Nothing Sirius

by Fredric Brown

Happily, I was taking the last coins out of our machines and counting them while Ma entered the figures in the little red book as I called them out. Nice figures they were.

Yes, we’d had a good play on both of the Sirian planets, Thor and Freda. Especially on Freda. Those little Earth colonies out there are starved to death for entertainment of any kind, and money doesn’ t mean a thing to them. They’d stood in line to get into our tent and push their coins into our machines—so even with the plenty high expenses of the trip we’d done all right by ourselves.

Yes, they were right comforting, those figures Ma was entering. Of course she’d add them up wrong, but then Ellen would straighten it out when Ma finally gave up. Ellen’s good at figures. And got a good one herself, even if I do say it of my only daughter. Credit for that goes to Ma anyway, not to me. I’m built on the general lines of a space tug.

I put back the coin box of the Rocket-Race and looked up. “Ma—” I started to say. Then the door of the pilot’s compartment opened and John Lane stood there. Ellen, across the table from Ma, put down her book and looked up too. She was all eyes and they were shining.

Johnny saluted smartly, the regulation salute which a private ship pilot is supposed to give the owner and captain of the ship. It always got under my skin, that salute, but I couldn’t talk him out of it because the rules said he should do it.

He said, “Object ahead, Captain Wherry.”

“Object?” I queried. “What kind of object?”

You see, from Johnny’s voice and Johnny’s face you couldn’t guess whether it meant anything or not. Mars City Polytech trains ’em to be strictly deadpan and Johnny had graduated magna cum laude. He’s a nice kid but he’d announce the end of the world in the same tone of voice he’d use to announce dinner, if it was a pilot’s job to announce dinner.

“It seems to be a planet, sir,” was all he said.

It took quite awhile for his words to sink in.

“A planet?” I asked, not particularly brilliantly. I stared at him, hoping that he’d been drinking or something. Not because I had any objections to his seeing a planet sober but because if Johnny ever unbent to the stage of taking a few drinks, the alky would probably dissolve some of the starch out of his backbone. Then I’d have someone to swap stories with. It gets lonesome traveling through space with only two women and a Polytech grad who follows all the rules.

“A planet, sir. An object of planetary dimensions, I should say. Diameter about three thousand miles, distance two million, course apparently an orbit about the star Sirius A.”

“Johnny,” I said, “we’re inside the orbit of Thor, which is Sirius I, which means it’s the first planet of Sirius, and how can there be a planet inside of that? You wouldn’t be kidding me, Johnny?”

“You may inspect the viewplate, sir, and check my calculations,” he replied stiffly.

I got up and went into the pilot’s compartment. There was a disk in the center of the forward viewplate, all right. Checking his calculations was something else again. My mathematics end at checking coins out of coin machines. But I was willing to take his word for the calculations. “Johnny,” I almost shouted, “we’ve discovered a new planet! Ain’t that something?”

“Yes, sir,” he commented, in his usual matter-of-fact voice.

It was something, but not too much. I mean, the Sirius system hasn’t been colonized long and it wasn’t too surprising that a little three-thousand-mile planet hadn’t been noticed yet. Especially as (although this wasn’t known then) its orbit is very eccentric.

There hadn’t been room for Ma and Ellen to follow us into the pilot’s compartment, but they stood looking in, and I moved to one side so they could see the disk in the viewplate.

“How soon do we get there, Johnny?” Ma wanted to know.

“Our point of nearest approach on this course will be within two hours, Mrs. Wherry,” he replied. ” We come within half a million miles of it.”

“Oh, do we?” I wanted to know.

“Unless, sir, you think it advisable to change course and give it more clearance.”

I gave clearance to my throat instead and looked at Ma and Ellen and saw that it would be okay by them. “Johnny,” I said, “we’re going to give it less clearance. I’ve always hankered to see a new planet untouched by human hands. We’re going to land there, even if we can’t leave the ship without oxygen masks.”

He said, “Yes, sir,” and saluted, but I thought there was a bit of disapproval in his eyes. Oh, if there had been, there was cause for it. You never know what you’ll run into busting into virgin territory out here. A cargo of canvas and slot machines isn’t the proper equipment for exploring, is it?

But the Perfect Pilot never questions an owner’s orders, dog-gone him! Johnny sat down and started punching keys on the calculator and we eased out to let him do it.

“Ma,” I said, “I’m a blamed fool.”

“You would be if you weren’t,” she came back. I grinned when I got that sorted out, and looked at Ellen.

But she wasn’t looking at me. She had that dreamy look in her eyes again. It made me want to go into the pilot’s compartment and take a poke at Johnny to see if it would wake him up. “Listen, honey,” I said, “that Johnny—”

But something burned the side of my face and I knew it was Ma looking at me, so I shut up. I got out a deck of cards and played solitaire until we landed.

Johnny popped out of the pilot s compartment and saluted. “Landed, sir,” he said. “Atmosphere one-oh-sixteen on the gauge.”

“And what,” Ellen asked, “does that mean in English?”

“It’s breathable, Miss Wherry. A bit high in nitrogen and low in oxygen compared to Earth air, but nevertheless definitely breathable.”

He was a caution, that young man was, when it came to being precise.

“Then what are we waiting for?” I wanted to know. “Your orders, sir.”

“Shucks with my orders, Johnny. Let’s get the door open and get going.”

We got the door open. Johnny stepped outside first, strapping on a pair of heatojectors as he went. The rest of us were right behind him.

It was cool outside, but not cold. The landscape looked just like Thor, with bare rolling hills of hard-baked greenish clay. There was plant life, a brownish bushy stuff that looked a little like tumbleweed.

I took a look up to gauge the time and Sirius was almost at zenith, which meant Johnny had landed us smack in the middle of the day side. “Got any idea, Johnny,” I asked, “what the period of rotation is?”

“I had time only for a rough check, sir. It came out twenty-one hours and seventeen minutes.”

Rough check, he had said.

Ma said, “That’s rough enough for us. Gives us a full afternoon for a walk, and what are we waiting for?”

“For the ceremony, Ma,” I told her. “We got to name the place don’t we? And where did you put that bottle of champagne we were saving for my birthday? I reckon this is a more important occasion than that is.”

She told me where, and I went and got it and some glasses. “Got any suggestions for a name, Johnny? You saw it first.”

“No, sir.”

I said, “Trouble is that Thor and Freda are named wrong now. I mean, Thor is Sirius I and Freda is Sirius II, and since this orbit is inside theirs, they ought to be II and III respectively. Or else this ought to be Sirius O. Which means it’s Nothing Sirius.”

Ellen smiled and I think Johnny would have except that it would have been undignified.

But Ma frowned. “William—” she said, and would have gone on in that vein if something hadn’t happened.

Something looked over the top of the nearest hill. Ma was the only one facing that way and she let out a whoop and grabbed me. Then we all turned and looked.

It was the head of something that looked like an ostrich, only it must have been bigger than an elephant. Also there was a collar and a blue polka-dot bow tie around the thin neck of the critter, and it wore a hat. The hat was bright yellow and had a long purple feather. The thing looked at us a minute, winked quizzically, and then pulled its head back.

None of us said anything for a minute and then I took a deep breath. “That,” I said, “tears it, right down the middle. Planet, I dub thee Nothing Sirius.”

I bent down and hit the neck of the champagne bottle against the clay and it just dented the clay and wouldn’t break. I looked around for a rock to hit it on. There wasn’t any rock.

I took out a corkscrew from my pocket and opened the bottle instead. We all had a drink except Johnny, who took only a token sip because he doesn’t drink or smoke. Me, I had a good long one. Then I poured a brief libation on the ground and recorked the bottle; I had a hunch that I might need it more than the planet did. There was lots of whiskey in the ship and some Martian green-brew but no more champagne. I said, “Well, here we go.”

I caught Johnny’s eye and he said, “Do you think it wise, in view of the fact that there are—uh—inhabitants?”

“Inhabitants? ”

I said. “Johnny, whatever that thing that stuck its head over the hill was, it wasn’t an inhabitant. And if it pops up again, I’ll conk it over the head with this bottle.”

But just the same, before we started out, I went inside the Chitterling and got a couple more heatojectors. I stuck one in my belt and gave Ellen the other; she’s a better shot than I am. Ma couldn’t hit the side of an administration building with a spraygun, so I didn’t give her one.

We started off, and sort of by mutual consent, we went the other direction from where we’d seen the whatever-it-was. The hills all looked alike for a while and as soon as we were over the first one, we were out of sight of the Chitterling. But I noticed Johnny studying a wrist-compass every couple of minutes, and I knew he’d know the way home.

Nothing happened for three hills and then Ma said, “Look,” and we looked.

About twenty yards to our left there was a purple bush. There was a buzzing sound coming from it. We went a little closer and saw that the buzzing came from a lot of things that were flying around the bush. They looked like birds until you looked a second time and then you saw that their wings weren’t moving. But they zoomed up and down and around just the same. I tried to look at their heads, but where the heads ought to be there was only a blur. A circular blur.

“They got propellers,” Ma said. “Like old-fashioned airplanes used to have.”

It did look that way.

I looked at Johnny and he looked at me and we started over toward the bush. But the birds, or whatever, flew away quick, the minute we started toward them. They skimmed off low to the ground and were out of sight in a minute.

We started off again, none of us saying anything, and Ellen came up and walked alongside me. We were just far enough ahead to be out of earshot, and she said, “Pop—”

And didn’t go on with it, so I answered, “What, kid?”

“Nothing,” she replied sorrowful-like. “Skip it.”

So of course I knew what she wanted to talk about, but I couldn’t think of anything to say except to cuss out Mars Polytech and that wouldn’t have done any good. Mars Polytech is just too good for its own good and so are its ramrods or graduates. After a dozen years or so outside, though, some of them manage to unbend and limber up.

But Johnny hadn’t been out that long, by ten years or so. The chance to pilot the Chitterling had been a break for him, of course, as his first job. A few years with us and he’d be qualified to skipper something bigger. He’d qualify a lot faster than if he’d had to start in as a minor officer on a bigger ship.

The only trouble was that he was too good-looking, and didn’t know it. He didn’t know anything they hadn’t taught him at Polytech and all they’d taught him was math and astrogation and how to salute, and they hadn’t taught him how not to.

“Ellen,” I started to say, “don’t—”

“Yes, Pop?”

“Uh—nothing. Skip it.” I hadn’t started to say that at all, but suddenly she grinned at me and I grinned back and it was just like we’d talked the whole thing over. True, we hadn’t got anywhere, but then we wouldn’t have got anywhere if we had, if you know what I mean.

So just then we came to the top of a small rise, and we stopped because just ahead of us was the blank end of a paved street.

An ordinary everyday plastipaved street just like you’d see in any city on Earth, with curb and sidewalks and gutters and the painted traffic line down the middle. Only it ran out to nowhere, where we stood, and from there at least until it went over the top of the next rise, and there wasn’t a house or a vehicle or a creature in sight.

I looked at Ellen and she looked at me and then we both looked at Ma and Johnny Lane, who had just caught up with us. I said, “What is it, Johnny?”

“It seems to be a street, sir.”

He caught the look I was giving him and flushed a little. He bent over and examined the paving closely and when he straightened up his eyes were even more surprised.

I queried, “Well, what is it? Caramel icing?”

“It’s Permaplast, sir. We aren’t the discoverers of this planet because that stuff’s a trademarked Earth product.”

“Urn,” I mumbled. “Couldn’t the natives here have discovered the same process? The same ingredients might be available.”

“Yes, sir. But the blocks are trademarked, if you’ll look closely.”

“Couldn’t the natives have—” Then I shut up because I saw how silly that was. But it’s tough to think your party has discovered a new planet and then have Earth-trademarked bricks on the first street you come to. “But what’s a street doing here at all?” I wanted to know.

“There’s only one way to find out,” said Ma sensibly. “And that’s to follow it. So what are we standing here for?”

So we pushed on, with much better footing now, and on the next rise we saw a building. A two-story red brick with a sign that read “Bon-Ton Restaurant” in Old English script lettering.

I said, “I’ll be a—” But Ma clapped her hand over my mouth before I could finish, which was maybe just as well, for what I’d been going to say had been quite inadequate. There was the building only a hundred yards ahead, facing us at a sharp turn in the street.

I started walking faster and I got there first by a few paces. I opened the door and started to walk in. Then I stopped cold on the doorstep, because there wasn’t any “in” to that building. It was a false front, like a cinema set, and all you could see through the door was more of those rolling greenish hills.

I stepped back and looked up at the “Bon-Ton Restaurant” sign, and the others walked up and looked through the doorway, which I’d left open. We just stood there until Ma got impatient and said, “Well, what are you going to do?”

“What do you want me to do?” I wanted to know. “Go in and order a lobster dinner? With champagne?—Hey, I forgot.”

The champagne bottle was still in my jacket pocket and I took it out and passed it first to Ma and then to Ellen, and then I finished most of what was left; I must have drunk it too fast because the bubbles tickled my nose and made me sneeze.

I felt ready for anything, though, and I took another walk through the doorway of the building that wasn’t there. Maybe, I figured, I could see some indication of how recently it had been put up, or something. There wasn’t any indication that I could see. The inside, or rather the back of the front, was smooth and plain like a sheet of glass. It looked like a synthetic of some sort.

I took a look at the ground back of it, but all I could see was a few holes that looked like insect holes. And that’s what they must have been, because there was a big black cockroach sitting (or maybe standing; how can you tell whether a cockroach is sitting or standing?) by one of them. I took a step closer and he popped down the hole.

I felt a little better as I went back through the front doorway. I said, “Ma, I saw a cockroach. And do you know what was peculiar about it?”

“What?” she asked.

“Nothing,” I told her. “That’s the peculiar thing, there was nothing peculiar. Here the ostriches wear hats and the birds have propellers and the streets go nowhere and the houses haven’t any backs to them, but that cockroach didn’t even have feathers.”

“Are you sure?” Ellen wanted to know.

“Sure I’m sure. Let’s take the next rise and see what’s over it.”

We went, and we saw. Down in between that hill and the next, the road took another sharp turn and facing us was the front view of a tent with a big banner that said, “Penny Arcade.”

This time I didn’t even break stride. I said, “They copied that banner from the show Sam Heideman used to have. Remember Sam, and the good old days, Ma?”

“That drunken no-good,” Ma said.

“Why, Ma, you liked him too.”

“Yes, and I liked you too, but that doesn’t mean that you aren’t or he isn’t—”

“Why, Ma,” I interrupted. But by that time we were right in front of the tent. Looked like real canvas because it billowed gently. I said, “I haven’t got the heart. Who wants to look through this time?”

But Ma already had her head through the flap of the tent. I heard her say, “Why, hello Sam, you old soak.”

I said, “Ma, quit kidding or I’ll—”

But by that time I was past her and inside the tent, and it was a tent, all four sides of one, and a good big one at that. And it was lined with the old familiar coin machines. There, counting coins in the change booth, was Sam Heideman, looking up with almost as much surprise on his face as there must have been on mine.

He said, “Pop Wherry! I’ll be a dirty name.” Only he didn’t say “dirty name”—but he didn’t get around to apologizing to Ma and Ellen for that until he and I had pounded each other’s backs and he had shaken hands around and been introduced to Johnny Lane.

It was just like old times on the carny lots of Mars and Venus. He was telling Ellen how she’d been ” so high” when he’d seen her last and did she really remember him?

And then Ma sniffed.

When Ma sniffs like that, there’s something to look at, and I got my eyes off dear old Sam and looked at Ma and then at where Ma was looking. I didn’t sniff, but I gasped.

A woman was coming forward from the back of the tent, and when I call her a woman it’s because I can’t think of the right word if there is one. She was St. Cecilia and Guinevere and a Petty girl all ironed into one. She was like a sunset in New Mexico and the cold silver moons of Mars seen from the Equatorial Gardens. She was like a Venusian valley in the spring and like Dorzalski playing the violin. She was really something.

I heard another gasp from alongside me, and it was unfamiliar. Took me a second to realize why it was unfamiliar; I’d never heard Johnny Lane gasp before. It was an effort, but I shifted my eyes for a look at his face. And I thought, “Oh—oh. Poor Ellen.” For the poor boy was gone, no question about it.

And just in time—maybe seeing Johnny helped me—I managed to remember that I’m pushing fifty and happily married. I took hold of Ma’s arm and hung on. “Sam,” I said, “what on Earth—I mean on whatever planet this is—”

Sam turned around and looked behind him. He said, “Miss Ambers, I’d like you to meet some old friends of mine who just dropped in. Mrs. Wherry, this is Miss Ambers, the movie star.” Then he finished the introductions, first Ellen, then me, and then Johnny. Ma and Ellen were much too polite. Me, I maybe went the other way by pretending not to notice the hand Miss Ambers held out. Old as I am, I had a hunch I might forget to let go if I took it. That’s the kind of girl she was.

Johnny did forget to let go.

Sam was saying to me, “Pop, you old pirate, what are you doing here? I thought you stuck to the colonies, and I sure didn’t look for you to drop in on a movie set.”

“A movie set?” Things were beginning to make sense, almost.

“Sure. Planetary Cinema, Inc. With me as the technical advisor on carny scenes. They wanted inside shots of a coin arcade, so I just brought my old stuff out of storage and set it up here. All the boys are over at the base camp now.”

Light was just beginning to dawn on me. “And that restaurant front up the street? That’s a set?” I queried.

“Sure, and the street itself. They didn’t need it, but they had to film the making of it for one sequence.”

“Oh.” I went on, “But how about the ostrich with the bow tie and the birds with the propellers? They couldn’t have been movie props. Or could they?” I’d heard that Planetary Cinema did some pretty impossible things.

Sam shook his head a bit blankly. “Nope. You must have come across some of the local fauna. There are a few but not many, and they don’t get in the way.”

Ma said, “Look here, Sam Heideman, how come if this planet has been discovered we hadn’t heard about it? How long has it been known, and what’s it all about?”

Sam chuckled. “A man named Wilkins discovered this planet ten years ago. Reported it to the Council, but before it got publicized Planetary Cinema got wind of it and offered the Council a whopping rental for the place on the condition that it be kept secret. As there aren’t any minerals or anything of value here and the soil ain’t worth a nickel, the Council rented it to them on those terms.”

“But why secret?”

“No visitors, no distractions, not to mention a big jump on their competitors. All the big movie companies spy on one another and swipe one another’s ideas. Here they got all the space they want and can work in peace and privacy.”

“What’ll they do about our finding the place?” I asked. Sam chuckled again. “Guess they’ll entertain you royally now that you’re here and try to persuade you to keep it under your hat. You’ll probably get a free pass for life to all Planetary Cinema theaters too.”

He went over to a cabinet and came back with a tray of bottles and glasses. Ma and Ellen declined, but Sam and I had a couple apiece and it was good stuff. Johnny and Miss Ambers were over in a corner of the tent whispering together earnestly, so we didn’t bother them, especially after I told Sam that Johnny didn’t drink.

Johnny still had hold of her hand and was gazing into her eyes like a sick pup. I noticed that Ellen moved around so she was facing the other way and didn’t have to watch. I was sorry for her, but there wasn’t anything I could do. Something like that happens if it happens. And if it hadn’t been for Ma—

But I saw that Ma was getting edgy and I said we’d better get back to the ship and get dressed up if we were due to be entertained royally. Then we could move the ship in closer. I reckoned we could spare a few days on Nothing Sirius. I left Sam in stitches by telling him how we’d named the planet after a look at the local fauna.

Then I gently pried Johnny loose from the movie star and led him outside. It wasn’t easy. There was a blank, blissful expression on his face, and he’d even forgotten to salute me when I’d spoken to him.

Hadn’t called me “sir” either. In fact, he didn’t say anything at all.

Neither did any of the rest of us, walking up the street.

There was something knocking at my mind and I couldn’t quite figure out what it was. There was something wrong, something that didn’t make sense.

Ma was worried too. Finally I heard her say, “Pop, if they really want to keep this place a secret, wouldn’t they maybe—uh—”

“No, they wouldn’t,” I answered, maybe a bit snappishly. That wasn’t what I was worried about, though.

I looked down at that new and perfect road, and there was something about it I didn’t like. I diagonaled over to the curb and walked along that, looked down at the greenish clay beyond, but there wasn’t anything to see except more holes and more bugs like I’d seen back at the Bon-Ton Restaurant.

Maybe they weren’t cockroaches, though, unless the movie company had brought them. But they were near enough like cockroaches for all practical purposes—if a cockroach has a practical purpose, that is. And they still didn’t have bow ties or propellers or feathers. They were just plain cockroaches.

I stepped off the paving and tried to step on one or two of them, but they got away and popped into holes. They were plenty fast and shifty on their feet.

I got back on the road and walked with Ma. When she asked, “What were you doing?” I answered, ” Nothing.”

Ellen was walking on the other side of Ma and keeping her face a studious blank. I could guess what she was thinking and I wished there was something could be done about it. The only thing I could think of was to decide to stay on Earth awhile at the end of this trip, and give her a chance to get over Johnny by meeting a lot of other young sprigs. Maybe even finding one she liked.

Johnny was walking along in a daze. He was gone all right, and he’d fallen with awful suddenness, like guys like that always do. Maybe it wasn’t love, just infatuation, but right now he didn’t know what planet he was on.

We were over the first rise now, out of sight of Sam’s tent. “Pop, did you see any movie cameras around?” Ma asked suddenly.

“Nope, but those things cost millions. They don’t leave them sitting around loose when they’re not being used.”

Ahead of us was the front of that restaurant. It looked funny as the devil from a side view, walking toward it from that direction. Nothing in sight but that, the road and green clay hills.

There weren’t any cockroaches on the street, and I realized that I’d never seen one there. It seemed as though they never got up on it or crossed it. Why would a cockroach cross the road? To get on the other side?

There was still something knocking at my mind, something that made less sense than anything else.

It got stronger and stronger and it was driving me as crazy as it was. I got to wishing I had another drink. The sun Sirius was getting down toward the horizon, but it was still plenty hot. I even began to wish I had a drink of water.

Ma looked tired too. “Let’s stop for a rest,” I said, “we’re about halfway back.”

We stopped. It was right in front of the Bon-Ton and I looked up at the sign and grinned. “Johnny, will you go in and order dinner for us?”

He saluted and replied, “Yes, sir,” and started for the door. He suddenly got red in the face and stopped. I chuckled but I didn’t rub it in by saying anything else.

Ma and Ellen sat down on the curb.

I walked through the restaurant door again and it hadn’t changed any. Smooth like glass on the other side. The same cockroach—I guess it was the same one—was still sitting or standing by the same hole.

I said, “Hello, there,” but it didn’t answer, so I tried to step on it but again it was too fast for me. I noticed something funny. It had started for the hole the second I decided to step on it, even before I had actually moved a muscle.

I went back through to the front again, and leaned against the wall. It was nice and solid to lean against. I took a cigar out of my pocket and started to light it, but I dropped the match. Almost, I knew what was wrong.

Something about Sam Heideman.

“Ma,” I said, “isn’t Sam Heideman—dead?”

And then, with appalling suddenness I wasn’t leaning against a wall anymore because the wall just wasn’t there and I was falling backward.

I heard Ma yell and Ellen squeal.

I picked myself up off the greenish clay. Ma and Ellen were getting up too, from sitting down hard on the ground because the curb they’d been sitting on wasn’t there any more either. Johnny was staggering a bit from having the road disappear under the soles of his feet, and dropping a few inches.

There wasn’t a sign anywhere of road or restaurant, just the rolling green hills. And—yes, the cockroaches were still there.

The fall had jolted me plenty, and I was mad. I wanted something to take out my mad on. There were only cockroaches. They hadn’t gone up into nothingness like the rest of it. I made another try at the nearest one, and missed again. This time I was positive that he’d moved before I did.

Ellen looked down at where the street ought to be, at where the restaurant front ought to be, and then back the way we’d come as though wondering if the Penny Arcade tent was still there.

“It isn’t,” I said.

Ma asked, “It isnt what?”

“Isn’t there,” I explained.

Ma glowered at me. “What isn’t where?”

“The tent,” I said, a bit peeved. “The movie company. The whole shebang. And especially Sam Heideman. It was when I remembered about Sam Heideman—five years ago in Luna City we heard he was dead—so he wasn’t there. None of it was there. And the minute I realized that, they pulled it all out from under us.”

“’They?’ What do you mean, ‘they,’ Pop Wherry? Who is ‘they’?”

“You mean who are ‘they’?” I said, but the look Ma gave me made me wince.

“Let’s not talk here,” I went on. “Let’s get back to the ship as quick as we can, first. You can lead us there, Johnny, without the street?”

He nodded, forgetting to salute or ”

sir” me. We started off, none of us talking. I wasn’t worried about Johnny getting us back; he’d been all right until we’d hit the tent; he’d been following our course with his wrist-compass.

After we got to where the end of the street had been, it got easy because we could see our own footprints in the clay, and just had to follow them. We passed the rise where there had been the purple bush with the propeller birds, but the birds weren’t there now, nor was the purple bush.

But the Chitterling was still there, thank Heavens. We saw it from the last rise and it looked just as we had left it. It looked like home, and we started to walk faster.

I opened the door and stood aside for Ma and Ellen to go in first. Ma had just started in when we heard the voice. It said, “We bid you farewell.”

I said, “We bid you farewell, too. And the hell with you.”

I motioned Ma to go on into the ship. The sooner I was out of this place, the better I’d like it.

But the voice said, “Wait,” and there was something about it that made us wait. “We wish to explain to you so that you will not return.”

Nothing had been further from my mind, but I said, “Why not?”

“Your civilization is not compatible with ours. We have studied your minds to make sure. We projected images from the images we found in your minds, to study your reactions to them. Our first images, our first thought-projections, were confused.

But we understood your minds by the time you reached the far-thest point of your walk. We were able to project beings similar to yourselves.”

“Sam Heideman, yeah,” I said. “But how about the da—the woman? She couldn’t have been in the memory of any of us because none of us knew her.”

“She was a composite—what you would call an idealization. That, however, doesn’t matter. By studying you we learned that your civilization concerns itself with things, ours with thoughts. Neither of us has anything to offer the other. No good could come through interchange, whereas much harm might come. Our planet has no material resources that would interest your race.

I had to agree with that, looking out over that monotonous rolling clay that seemed to support only those few tumble-weedlike bushes, and not many of them. It didn’t look like it would support anything else. As for minerals, I hadn’t seen even a pebble.

“Right you are,” I called back. “Any planet that raises nothing but tumbleweeds and cockroaches can keep itself, as far as we’re concerned. So—” Then something dawned on me. “Hey, just a minute. There must be something else or who the devil am I talking to?”

“You are talking,” replied the voice, “to what you call cockroaches, which is another point of incompatibility between us. To be more precise, you are talking to a thought-projected voice, but we are projecting it. And let me assure you of one thing—that you are more repugnant physically to us than we are to you.”

I looked down then and saw them, three of them, ready to pop into holes if I made a move.

Back inside the ship, I said, “Johnny, blast off. Destination, Earth.”

He saluted and said, ”

Yes, sir,” and went into the pilot’s compartment and shut the door. He didn’t cone out until we were on an automatic course, with Sirius dwindling behind us.

Ellen had gone to her room. Ma and I were playing cribbage.

“May I go off duty, sir?” Johnny asked, and walked stiffly to his room when I answered, “Sure.”

After a while, Ma and I turned in. Awhile after that we heard noises. I got up to investigate, and investigated.

I came back grinning. “Everything’s okay, Ma,” I said. “It’s Johnny Lane and he’s as drunk as a hoot owl!” And I slapped Ma playfully on the fanny.

“Ouch, you old fool,” she sniffed. “I’m sore there from the curb disappearing from under me. And what’ s wonderful about Johnny getting drunk? You aren’t, are you?”

“No,” I admitted, regretfully perhaps. “But, Ma, he told me to go to blazes. And without saluting. Me, the owner of the ship.”

Ma just looked at me. Sometimes women are smart, but sometimes they’re pretty dumb.

“Listen, he isn’t going to keep on getting drunk,” I said. “This is an occasion. Can’t you see what happened to his pride and dignity?”

“You mean because he—”

“Because he fell in love with the thought-projection of a cockroach,” I pointed out. “Or anyway he thought he did. He has to get drunk once to forget that, and from now on, after he sobers up, he’s going to be human. I’ll bet on it, any odds. And I’ll bet too that once he’s human, he’s going to see Ellen and realize how pretty she is. I’ll bet he’s head-over-heels before we get back to Earth. I’ll get a bottle and we’ll drink a toast on it. To Nothing Sirius!”

And for once I was right. Johnny and Ellen were engaged before we got near enough to Earth to start decelerating.

Content

Nothing Sirius
by Fredric Brown