Alexandra Guy

A Maiden's Diary

Part One

1

Naturally I cannot forget Victoria. Naturally-I am Victoria. Victoria Collins in full-or false full. Not my bosoms-they are quite, quite real; even today, practically in my dotage, they can and do swell (never mind medical opinion to the contrary-I have a first-hand knowledge of physicians; one of them diagnosed my fairly unique condition, to which one of my eminent contemporaries, lamentably a number of years my junior-Mr. George Bernard Shaw-could never have been susceptible; Mr. Shaw, vegetarian that he is, could not possibly entertain the intrusion of meat; but I am anticipating myself). I was saying that my bosoms can and do amplify at the very remotest thought of the male lancet-but more of that in due course, eh? My name, I tell you, I took out of the whole cloth. Nevertheless, that is actually the name I used -Victoria Collins-for a fair part of my life when I thought it necessary, as you will see. At no point was I ever more than a jock's throw from bliss (the kind reader must forgive a certain coarseness of expression he will find from time to time in my narrative, but it is only by such rough grain that the meat and drink of my life, Victorian though I am, can be conveyed). At the start of my life I was of the moneyed and aristocratic. Later, I was Victoria Collins. At the last, now, I am once again with my so-called peers. I am an old lady at this point, a dowager, if you wish, and a marchioness, but I warrant you that my ancient years will not stay the telling of a jot of that blood which had Victoria Collins a living part of that most Sodom of all countries-England. Not to mention Clarissa! Let me tell you how it was. To begin with I was born at a very considerable distance from London-some four hundred miles away, on the rugged, boulder-strewn coast of Cornwall, that bold promontory in southwest England that thrusts directly into the Atlantic. I cannot regard it as anything but symbolic that I first saw the curious light of this world on a peninsula whose shape, together with its great rocks whose position one can establish to one's anatomically pictorial satisfaction, captivates me with its resemblance to the male's generative equipment-his scepter and swinging spheres, so to speak, or, in the parlance of the gaming houses, his “pipe and balls.” And the fact that this peninsula “thrusts” into the ocean completes the symbolism. The setting was ideal for what was going to happen to me, a child born and raised in the latter half of Queen Victoria's reign. To protect the living descendants I will not precisely designate where on the Cornish coast my parents' country house was located-I will simply call it Quistern House. As for our town abode, which I will name Hagen House, that was in London, in Kensington. And, for the same reason, I have invented names for myself-prior to becoming Victoria Collins-and for all the other people in this account, both great and humble, except for public figures. My father and mother, then, will be referred to as Mathew and Louisa Quist-Hagen, who were the Marquis and Marchioness of a mythical Portferrans, myself as Clarissa, and my brother, older than I by about two years, as James. All other names of real people in this account will be altered similarly. At an early age both my brother and I showed those characteristics which were to endear us to our opposite sexes. In many ways James and I were remarkably alike. We both had straight, stygianly black hair, extraordinarily milky skin that suggested the translucence of the pearl, and piercingly green eyes. As it turned out, we were both also destined to be tall-James came to be easily six feet, and I reached the height of some five feet eight inches. This could have been anticipated-the Quist-Hagens and their many branches were a tall people. But what was not predicted was our precociousness, mental and physical. I can remember, long before I was ten and we played our slippery games with Angela Cleves, how I would wait with bated breath to see our governess, Berenice Fawnsworthy, help my brother undress.

It was not that James did not know how to undress himself, but that in the summertime he tended to become peculiarly lazy and helpless.

Nor did Miss Berenice discourage this attitude. On the contrary, she seemed to welcome it with her intense blue eyes. James himself wore the slightest suggestion of a smirk when the governess pulled off one of his riding boots and fell awkwardly back toward the oriel from whose convex windows one had a sweeping view of the tempestuous Atlantic. This development transfixed James-he stared at the woman who must have then been in her early forties and at the peak of her swarthy, blue-eyed, chestnut-haired handsomeness. Her many petticoats had heaped up high and her legs had flown into the widest possible splay, so that for long moments-which Miss Berenice may have been party to and may have extended-both my brother and I gazed with racing pulses on the female phenomenon thus revealed, a veritable lustrous tangle of chestnut-colored undergrowth. Aside from James, I know that I experienced something of a vertigo at the sight, and that suddenly I would have liked to lose myself in that forestry, wakening only to find myself kissing pink-brown lips… The fact is, however, that I did not, and that Miss Berenice, furiously flushing, heavily breathing, finally righted herself and continued to aid and abet my languid brother. The climax for me came-I cannot speak for Fawnsworthy, naturally-when our governess slipped off my brother's trousers. There it was, I shouted to myself-there it undoubtedly, wonderfully, magically was. Certainly modest in dimensions, it-the male's conquerable truncheon and yet, like the phoenix, capable of rebirth- throbbed directly at Miss Berenice in the arrogance of its pointedness. I paled. Miss Berenice's face grew lustrous, her blue eyes now sparkled with satanic fires. Nevertheless I doubt if anything would have occurred had my brother retained composure. As it was, James fell back on the bolster-we were in his bedroom- and, like a minuscule volcano, erupted. I cannot now properly describe the nature of the cry that the governess then gave vent to. It was a harsh and desiccate cry. It was the kind of cry that could only have originated in the depths of one's soul or psyche (whichever inexplicable function you are partial to). It was the sort of cry, too, that was both arid and bestial-a cry that, since the tenure of Fawnsworthy, I have heard many times, and often from my own lips in extremis of need. In any case it was at that point that Fawnsworthy burst into movement. She flew across the room to the bed and, with an unmistakably savage sound, fell upon my brother and-as I crumpled to the floor, my knees weak, my fingers searching my groin-milked my brother James until he was a twitching mass of protoplasm… When she wearily arose, bedraggled and with a stunned expression, she looked neither at my brother or myself. Miss Berenice Fawnsworthy, further, said not a word to either of us. She simply quit the room and, the next day, without explanation either to the Marquis or the Marchioness, quit Quistern House and vanished. We never heard a word from her thereafter. My parents were quite puzzled and asked James and me if we could vouchsafe an explanation. Neither of us would, of course. We were not about to divulge intimacies to a mother and father who had from the start stayed rather aloof and distant from us. However, there did occur an incident that served to bring Mathew and Louisa Quist-Hagen, the Marquis and Marchioness of Portferrans, respectively, rather more down to the level of my brother and myself.

2

The incident-or, more accurately, the experience-took place, I should say, in the midafternoon of a hot summer's day. James and I had been playing strenuously in the maze that had been built at some small remove from the east wing of Quistern House-itself a twenty-room structure and an exquisite example of Queen Anne style-when suddenly we became aware that we were both terribly fatigued. I think we became aware of that because of the quietude-except for the sound of the sea-that pervaded the grounds and which seemed to have its source in Quistern House itself. Even our two gardeners, who ordinarily would have been trimming our baroque hedgerows, were nowhere to be seen when James and I left the maze. Taken by misgivings, I turned to my brother. “You don't suppose there's anything wrong, do you?” He laughed merrily. I daresay whenever James laughed it was merry and carefree, without spite or mockery. I adored my brother and from time to time I still miss him terribly. Terribly. “No, Clarissa,” he said finally. “I really don't think there's a thing amiss.” It was then that we stepped inside Quistern House. James and I really did not wish to play any more on that day. We were surfeited-we had spent tie morning at the bottom of the slate cliff on the tiny beach collecting driftwood and occasionally splashing about in the shallows.

Inside Quistern House the quietude persisted. Our butler, Wittling, seemed to have vanished. Our housekeeper, Mrs. Many-john, gave no evidence of being on the premises. Nor was Mademoiselle Albertine Lassez, my mother's personal maid, to be seen on her usual schedule of bustling from pillar to post. Mrs. Lingelhoffe, the cook-we established by peering into the kitchen-had also gone. I frowned worriedly. James rescued me. First, he tickled my ear. I giggled. Then he whispered, “Have you no imagination, Clarissa?”

I was nettled. “I've an excellent sense of fancy, James.”

“Well, then,” he said patiently, “think of the whole staff given permission by My Lord Marquis to take forty winks in the mid-afternoon of an insufferably hot summer's day. Father's quite capable of unexpected behavior, you know.” “Is he, really?” I made no attempt to conceal my scorn. “You don't believe me, Clarissa?”

“Nay, sir.” “Then let's see what Mother and Father are up to at the moment.” “We daren't, James. What are you proposing?”

“I'm thinking of the upstairs library-it's next to their quarters. And two doors lead from their rooms to the library.”

“Oh,” I said-rather blankly, I fear. “Come along,” my brother said. We tiptoed by the upright empty suits of armor and then carefully made our way up the great marble stairway that never failed to impress me. We traveled to the second story by this route on the simple ground that the best concealment was to take refuge in the obvious. We reached the library safely. We encountered not a soul. My brother indicated that I challenge one door while he took another. The usual dumb sentinels of sartorial armor were arrayed in their stances to either side of the doors. James had instructed me that the entrance opened on short corridors that led to the bedrooms themselves. My pulse raced. I waved a trembling hand at James and he winked back. With the greatest circumspection I turned the knob to my adventure as I saw my brother essay his. There was indeed a corridor, somewhat dim, where I crept along-I assumed James was doing similarly. Then I heard curious noises. They sounded like snippets of song rendered by someone unduly intoxicated. There was also considerable groaning interspersed with arpeggios of giggle. The scene confronting me when I craned my neck around the corner of the corridor was absolutely first-rate. It was sheer theatre. There, in the vivid midafternoon light, the faint rumble of the surf rolling in through the open windows, stood my father, the Most Honorable Mathew Quist-Hagen, Marquis of Portferrans, attired in the finery to which such titles are heir. He was wearing-may the Deity pluck forth my tongue if I dissemble -he was wearing, aye, his coronet, a circlet of gold on which rested four leaves and as many large pearls-all enhancing his silver-blond hair. On his shoulders was a scarlet mantle with three-and-a-half doublings of ermine. My mother, the Most Honorable the Lady Louisa Quist-Hagen, Marchioness of Portferrans, was arrayed in wine-red velvet that curved generously over her deep bosom.

They were both sweating prodigiously. My father, the Marquis, sang drunkenly. My mother, the Marchioness, joined him with great fervor. Nor were they without further, supplementary action. Because the marvelous thing was that my father wore absolutely nothing below his waist. While my mother displayed a naked sweep below her hips, since she had contrived to hike her gown up beyond those harplike portions of her anatomy. Her ebon tresses hung practically to her buttocks. Good show? Oh, indeed. And there was more to come. For what I have neglected to mention was that my distinguished father had his hand in a small silver bucket containing butter, and that my incredibly handsome mother could be seen withdrawing her own hand from another small silver bucket laden with butter. And what, pray, were these principals engaged in committing?

I stood glassy-eyed, practically aroused to incandescence-no mean feat for one of my young years-as I observed my conceivers generously apply melting portions of butter to their respective pudenda and immediately surrounding areas. The more intoxicated they became-my father was pouring burgundy from an earthenware demijohn into crystal goblets from which he and my mother imbibed-the more liberally did they anoint each other with the butter, the Marquis shuddering and his muscles rippling as the Marchioness gently pulled at his lancet in order to extend the area of application. When it was the Marquis's turn again, he shaped the soft butter into a ball and then rolled it around the glossy black ringlets of my mother's Mount of Venus, pausing every now and again to impel his thumb into her swollen orifice. She would close her eyes, then, and her jaw would become slack, as she powerfully heaved her hips to the rhythm of her master's thumb. I drew long breaths. My head was pounding. I thought I might obtain surcease with my own digital crosier-but to no avail. No sooner than my watching passion would momentarily subside, than the scene observed would alter and the motions therein become more fervent-and once more my fever would rise and my hand address my moist circuits all this during an infernal summer heat, to which my parents seemed to be absolutely oblivious. They had yielded at last to the limitations of the butter and had betaken themselves to the monstrously capacious four-poster where they presently disported in utter abandon, my father's gold and empearled coronet long since having merrily bounded to a comer of the room against the wall, and his scarlet mantle carelessly dangling from one of the bedposts, the ermine in sad disarray. My mother's wine-red gown had been trampled to the floor, and her bounteous breasts, surmounted by blushing nipples, were to the summer air voluptuously unconfined. The lower territories of the Marquis and Marchioness were blissfully lubricious with butter and sweat, and at the moment my titled progenitors were lying on their sides, engaged in tantalizing each other. My father, smiling tipsily, tipped at the Marchioness with his pawky crevice reamer; his consort, not to be outdone, contrived to partially receive the reamer with a curious smacking sound made as though some repast were being relished. (My ears have never since encountered this phenomenon; unless my mother was a ventriloquist, which I must seriously doubt, the “smacking” sound could only have been fashioned by some muscular contortion at which she was adept.) In any case, this had my father chuckle and remark that he must bestow upon her a mark of his admiration, upon which my sire bent to the task, his silver-blond head bobbing, lingering there long after admiration had been expressed, so much so that my mother's fingers began snatching at the sheets, her jaw became idiotically slack, and the rest of her body began to twitch. I myself became wonderfully inflamed, not to mention the sense of triumph I entertained in seeing my mother's body so helplessly quivering. I should have admonished myself, then, to retire while I retained a modicum of control, but my tender years were greedy and I told myself I simply had to stay on to watch the master really saddle his mistress and spur her on. The words and action they exchanged prior to actual coupling were so vivid that I remember them to this day. “Mathew,” said my mother, her fingers still plucking at the sheets, “I pray you-” “Can't hear you, Louisa,” my father said, his whisk broom of a tongue continuing to ply her marshes.

“I said I pray you-” “Eh?” said my father, at last raising his head, his face flushed with his exertions and stained with those secretions which, while heavenly, are somewhat less than celestial.

“What is it, Louisa?” “I pray you that you desist,” she whispered, “in the extremities. I fear I will lose my pretty little mind.” “Never,” said he, gallantly. “Your pretty little mind is firmly fixed in all its crotchets and obsessions. It is weighted down.

It is, in short, anchored to whatever snags it has encountered,” he said in what I now look back upon as rhetoric in the Churchillian manner. “Nevertheless,” she said, “I am surfeited by your foraging in my tropics.” He smiled tenderly and pulled himself up to lie alongside her. He tweaked her nipples and ran his fingers through her sable hair. “My Lady Marchioness,” he said softly, “you remain unspeakably beautiful.” “My Lord Marquis, you remain unspeakably insatiable.” Here she reached down and lightly ran her fingers up and down the majestic column of his seed. My father at that point seemed taken by surprise-he had evidently been closer to his summit than he had realized. His jaw dropped and he paled and his whole body arched as if drawn by a master bowman, while his column catapulted forth his seed in thick spurts. My mother uttered an unearthly cry and fell upon him as if she had suddenly conceived a great thirst Nor was she content simply to quench her thirst-for, with thumb and index finger, she frantically proceeded to squeeze the base of the Marquis's column while the motions of her lips and throat indicated that she was siphoning him off to the last possible liquid ounce. My father made a feeble effort during her ministrations to caress her buttocks, but his arms soon fell back in exhaustion. Up to that point I had been reminded of Berenice Fawnsworthy and my brother, and I was dizzy with desire. But I became absolutely transfixed with throbbing concupiscence as I observed my mother sustaining her siphoning motions, but apparently there were limitations in that endeavor and she shortly altered her operations. My father lay flat on his back, his eyes shut as her haunches wove above his face. I rubbed myself gently, to sustain the tension of my own sensuality. My mother then applied the tip of her tongue to the Marquis's member, running her tongue from base to summit and back again. The Marquis of Portferrans opened his eyes. He observed her oscillating flanks and struck at their core with both hands. My mother, the Marchioness, made a sudden high-pitched sound, released my father's now mightily straining organ and twisted away from him, drawing up her legs simultaneously. He laughed as he then maneuvered himself to hover over her, his reannealed column quivering and rampant. The bedroom began to sway before my eyes. I ceased to crane my neck and I leaned back against the corridor wall. But I could still hear them quite clearly. One may well wonder as to what compelled me to withdraw my eyes from my conceivers. The answer is that I found quite intolerable the idea that, just as my mother and father were about to proceed as they were, I was thus begat. The idea was too monstrous for me to entertain with any equanimity. I wanted to run far away for my very life, to rebel against the picture of my life whose origin was that of lust acting mechanically. Perhaps all my subsequent bouts with men were mimicries I did of such mechanical origins to deny their very mimicry-as though I must discover elements in the act of begetting of a nonlustful nature. I do not know. I merely offer the idea-to the speculative reader. In any case, while I could not watch-the picture itself being overwhelming-I could nevertheless listen. True, I wished to quit the corridor entirely, but for the moment I seemed rooted, immobile, concupiscently fascinated by what my parents were saying… “Mathew-” “Yes, Louisa?” “Why do you hesitate?” “My Lady Marchioness-to tantalize you, of course.”

“My Lord Marquis, if you persist, I may snap at you with my strong white teeth.” He laughed richly. “You will have then incapacitated the major source of your ecstasies.” “I beseech you, then, do not torment me. There is a paradisiacal haven between my thighs, Mathew.” “Indeed? It seems somewhat prickly on the exterior, Louisa.” “Oh, sir, you dissemble. They are such soft spirals and so fine in texture that they could never deprive a victim of his sword. I may add to that, My Lord, that he who comes brandishing such an instrument as yours is never a victim. Well, perhaps half a victim, transitorily, for if you have transported me a dozen instances by interring your instrument in my substance, the likelihood is that you will finally be feeble, and your member hangdog-thus a victim. But let a number of hours pass, no later than the following day will you be in readiness to tap my sap once more-no longer a victim.” “Then you are ready with your own juices, madame.” “Quite. They bubble.” “Merrily?” “I think so.

But they also betray a kind of kitchen quality- they will make a solidly satisfying sauce for you. Come, sir, let me stand him at my table.” “Stand him?” “Well, My Lord, I will crook him if I sit him. And, though no bones be present, he'll be fractured.

Definitely, sir, we will not sit him. Besides, he is no animal on fours or twos-he is a sublimity. Lift me up with him, Mathew.”

“Petition me, Louisa.” “I beg you.” “Most inadequate.”

“How must I phrase it, sir-or what must I do to have you relent?”

“Ah…” “What does that signify, My Lord?” “You will shortly see, Louisa. You inquired as to what you must do to have me relent.” “Aye.” “Well, you will do this that has been described to me in London this past spring.” “Fie-are we to take London as our love standard?” “My Lady Marchioness, are we not in London eight months of the year?” “I must concede.” “Well, madame, what you must do at the start is to remember the creatures of the field-and emulate them in the manner of how they maintain their very balance in this world.” “Can I not emulate them as they have their balance in the next world?” “That would involve philosophical speculation and rigid religion, and I wish neither at this moment. Unless my libidinous-ness deceives me, I wish the balances of this world. Will you get upon your hands and knees, madame?” “Mathew-I will not.” “Are you adamant?” “Yes.”

“Do you not love me, Louisa?” “Where is love in this instance? It is all unbridled licentiousness.” “I cannot agree, Louisa. On your guard, then!” Here followed a grunt from the Marquis and a sigh from the Marchioness. There were further sounds of flesh slapping against flesh. My head was bowed as I leaned against the corridor wall. My breathing was shallow. I was manipulating my own tiny protuberance. I was shocked at what I thought my father was now doing to my mother. I daresay the reason for my shock may now presently be accounted for by the theories of a Dr. Sigmund Freud, that strange Viennese who has yet to be accorded his due.

Theoretically, I suppose I was shocked because I wanted to take my mother's place with my father-I couldn't stand the idea of my mother being the recipient from my father of what I was coming to think was a basic joy. The picture of my mother and father having intercourse was therefore overwhelmingly repellant. But now, the sound of flesh against flesh had stopped abruptly. My mother groaned. “Mathew,” she said. “Eh?” he grunted. “Why are you hovering again?

Please let me have him back.” “No, I will wave him before you.”

“You, sir, are a villain.” “A very model of villainy-see how I stroke my mustaches. At least I've not turned gray down there.

Come, Louisa, let me demonstrate how superior we are even in the beast's stance to the creatures of the field. Or shall I continue to wave him before you until he spits!” “That would be most wasteful, My Lord Marquis.” “Are you then game for all fours?”

“Gamey might be the better. Somehow, beneath my misgivings that the practice will be agony, there is a low, vulgar hissing of cilia, as if in anticipation of a cockfight of another order.” “Ha!” quoth my father. “I take that to mean, Mathew, you will not spare me this last indignity.” “I will spare your hams no quarter, and that will be no indignity. Come, madame, show me your fours.” “I fear I will blush to my roots.” “Blush where you like, Louisa, but do not stand in my way. You may kneel in my way, of course, providing that your haunches face me.” “In all the years of our marriage you have never asked this of me, Mathew.” “I have been naive, Louisa.” He laughed raucously. “We will now rectify the matter.

What a battle cry that would make. Let us now rectify those knaves who would disembowel all England. Let us rectify them in their very gut, at their very bottoms, aye -rectify!” “We are not at war, My Lord. Nor are you Prince Hal. But we are at the very slit of things.”

“Agreed, Louisa. Ah, what a curtsy of sumptuous lips you do. From black to pink and white. Rectify!” he shouted, and then it was that my mother let out a blood-curdling screech. “You need not move heaven and earth together,” she bawled. “As Archimedes might have said,” quoth my father, “give me a fulcrum and I'll screw the world.”

My mother sounded very hoarse. “I had never supposed that this stance could have made of the body one long quiver-” I fled down the corridor. I wanted to hear no more. My parents were indeed beasts of the field. I wanted no more of them. When I precipitately opened the corridor that debauched on the library, I turned and ran full tilt into one of the hollow armor men. It toppled over with a great crash and clatter. I stood there, transfixed. Why did not my brother James come and rescue me? I soon discovered why. In a matter of seconds my father, now draped in a handsome dressing gown, led James by the ear from the other door to the library. The Marquis of Portferrans was most distinguished in his silver-blond hair and high dudgeon. He betrayed no surprise whatever on catching sight of me. “Clarissa,” said he. “Yes, Father,” I said, and did a terribly brief curtsy. I would have galled it out with my sire on another occasion. I would have had a tome in my hand, my glasses perched on the tip of my nose, and muttering in Egyptian slant (we British have a panache for the exotic; one of our most well-known brigathers has confessed he goes into battle with a pocket Odyssey, in the original Greek, no less, which he sometimes relaxes with in the field during a lull). But the vision of my father and mother in copulo extremis and the debacle of the toppled suit of armor had been sufficient to demoralize me. All I could do now was to stand there guiltily and stupidly. James was in no less a pretty kettle, with the added disadvantage of having his earlobe, in the fingers of my irate father, twisted-any moment I expected it to become detached.

“Clarissa, I suspect you are a co-conspirator, although James has said nothing to incriminate you.” “That is very generous of my brother but I insist that his punishment will be mine as well. I will make a clean breast of it.” “I am not particularly interested in clean breasts, Clarissa,” said the Marquis a trifle dryly. “I find their owners more hygienic than humanistic. I think it my duty to speak freely when I say to you, Clarissa, young as you are, that a filthy little nipple never hurt a soul-with the exception, possibly, of the poor child suckling it; he, or she, in any case, if not shortly defunct, would become immune to many diseases.” The Marquis sighed and released James's ear. “The more I talk,” said my noble parent, “the less inclined I am to punishing you, but I must insist that the pair of you answer a direct question.” “Yes, My Lord,”

James said contritely. “At your pleasure, My Lord,” I said.

“Have either of you learned aught by watching your mother and myself?” “An essential,” said James promptly, “and that is that patience is the provocateur of passion at its most intense.”

“Well put, my son. I think I must pride myself on not having turned out to be the patriarchal stereotype so admired in this day and age.” My father turned to me. “And you, Clarissa?” “I think you tease too much, Father,” I blurted out. “And I promise myself I will gain revenge on every man I consort with.” “You will regret such a vow,” he admonished me softly, “each time you practice it. In time, however, you may forget it -I think your body, Clarissa, will be built for forgiveness, for it will have to bend toward most men. You will be a tall one, Clarissa.” “Yes, My Lord.” “Yes,” Quist-Hagen murmured the echo. He was, as was his fashion, already bored by the circumstance. “The staff ought to be up and about by now. Will you-” he addressed my brother -“be good enough to advise Wittling of the fallen armor up here and have him get someone to repair it?” “Of course, Father.” “In that case you are both dismissed. Be off with you. He smiled lovingly but distantly at both of us and returned to the bedroom-to Louisa. I suppose it was she, our mother, to whom the Marquis felt the closest. I cannot blame him-he loved her very much. But he need not have been so distant from James and myself.

This may have played a decisive role in our eventual preoccupation with sex-my obsession, if not James's. My mother, too, was as guilty as my father. She would graciously look in on us-as we had instructions with our tutors, before we went on excursions with our governesses, and she would read to us on occasion before we fell asleep. If either James or I fell ill of influenza, or the like, my mother deemed it wise to spend a little more time with us, varying her reading inclinations with games at cards… The general effect was that James and I grew closer and closer in our mutual regard. How close we were yet to see-we became aware of the closeness, really aware, early in the tenure of Angela, Angela Cleves, our last governess, when I was ten years of age and James, of course, was twelve. At the time we were at our London residence, Hagen House, in Kensington.

3

It was a cold, damp, foggy winter's night when I awoke from a bad dream a little after midnight in my bedroom. I had been out of sorts all day. I had shouted at our tutor, Mr. Oliver Harwell, for the simple reason that, as a prospective masculine predator, he seemed hopeless. I had snapped at Wittling, our aging butler, because he had not sent out one of our servants soon enough to catch the girl on the street calling for someone to buy her sweet lavender. I had been terribly out of sorts. There was an ancient sensuality foaming in my depths, something spiraling from the darks of my groin. I had attempted to masturbate before falling asleep, but it had been to no avail-it had not satisfied me… At any rate, waking, I flung aside the quilts and slipped into a bathrobe. As I look back on it now, how strange it is that someone so young should be pursued by a force so old. And at that point there was no adult I knew who would be willing to help me understand what was involved. Nobody at Hagen House comprehended the emotional and intellectual precocity either of my brother or myself, except Harwell, our tutor, who reported our mastery of the curriculum in the highest possible terms, but who lacked the judgment to convey the hothouse of our emotions to the Marquis or the Marchioness who were, after all, pretty much to the exclusion of all else, preoccupied by the London social whirl-the well-nigh endless series of balls, plays at the theatre, concerts at Covent Garden and, de rigueur, as I recall, attendance at Old Bailey, if possible, of the shocking trial of the dramatist, Oscar Wilde, whose alleged homosexuality was not considered a fit subject for converse in the presence of children. If Wilde and his putative peccadilloes had been mentioned in our presence, we would have been indifferent, for what we were fascinated by was our own libidinous explorations which required no wit, Irish or any other, to give them goad. Frankly, as I crossed to the window, I knew I was in the mood for the explorative.

The question was, who was to be its agent since the self-manipulative had at last turned out to be a crashing bore? Of course, my brother James came to mind, but at the moment, surely, he was rapt in slumber in his own bedroom at several removes from mine, and separated, further, by the room of our new-and last-governess, Miss Cleves.

Depressed, stirred by marvellously bestial longings implanted in the race coeval, doubtless, with the primeval slime, I scowled and furrowed my virginal brow. I scowled at the linnet hidden in the cage, songless and invisible because of the white cloth covering. I scowled at the faithful clock ticking on the mantel. I shrugged and turned my gaze to the scene outside beyond the garden and its rail. There was not much further that one could gaze-it was impossible to make out the other side of the street because of the fog. I could hardly make out the occasional hansom cab that clop-clopped by, the driver, perched on top to the rear, bundled practically to his mouth to protect himself from the bitterly chilling clime. I shivered in sympathy. Actually, I was warm enough-under my bathrobe I was attired in a thick woolen nightgown. The material scratched roughly against the pretences of my breasts, hardly more than slight rises on the topography of my chest. But the nipples… ah, the nipples apparently were ahead of their time-they were large and strongly denned and extraordinarily sensitive. As in a trance I lifted my hand and slipped it in to fondle the erectile tissues. The blood began to churn in my veins. I made some sounds deep in my throat and barely heard, then, a faint tapping at the door. When I became aware, I abruptly stood up, trembling. I crossed to the great oaken piece. “Yes?” I whispered. “James here,” a voice said. “Do hurry and open, Clarissa, or I shall catch my death.” I unbolted the door as rapidly as I could. It swung open easily and my brother slipped in, flailing his arms about his chest. “That damned draughty hallway,” he muttered, looking all the world-except for the lack of silver-blond hair-like a miniature edition of the Marquis, and I felt a heat spiraling from my groin. I shuddered. “Why are you shivering?” James said. “It was I who was out in the hallway.”

“Yes,” I said in low tones, “but mine is a different kind of shivering.” “Really, Clarissa?” He made as if to embrace me and I stepped aside, shaking my head. I reminded him of my sufferance of him here, and that there would not be anything drastically undertaken in my bedroom. “You are not supposed to be here, James,” I told him, “If it were found out, it would go hard on you. It would go hard on me as well…” I was fending off my brother not because I wished to or because I was fearful of discovery but because-while I wanted to explore the vibrant world of those energies seeming to have their core between my legs-I was somehow afraid that something monstrous might occur, that somehow I might be hurt.

“Nobody will find us out,” my green-eyed brother said petulantly.

Then he looked at me fondly and smiled, as if he quite understood my shyness. “Really, Clarissa, you need have no misgivings. I'm here only because something happened to me earlier today that interfered with my sleep, and I felt I simply had to tell it to the person closest me-my sister.” Here he smiled guilelessly and I was altogether taken in. At ten, sophisticated though I was, I was nevertheless ingenuous with respect to James, and my next words completely revealed my illusions.

“Well,” I said, “since we are brother and sister, there should be no harm in our snuggling under the covers. It's a terribly raw night and we would be very foolish to tempt fate by braving the draughts outside of bed.” Which was pure folderol, of course. I had already tempted fate. Actually, I had decided I wanted to be close to him, and that I would take the gamble of the possibility of being hurt. I need not have worried-at the last moment I disarmed him…

“That's very wise of you, Clarissa,” James said gravely. And, our mein terribly serious, we crept into bed, quite large enough for the two of us. After all, we were boy and girl! “What happened to you earlier today, James?” “What happened to me was Albertine,” he said after a pregnant pause, his voice weighty with significance. He put a light hand on my wrist. My pulse was a sheer runaway. “Oh?” I said. “In what way?” “Well, to begin with, Clarissa, I had to see Mother on some matter or another.” “Did you see her?” “No. Albertine was busy hanging some of Mother's things and told me Mother had gone to tea at the Duchess of Postings'. I told Albertine I was terribly disappointed-I didn't think the matter could wait.” “But it really wasn't that important, was it, James?” “No. I then simply wanted the opportunity of being with Albertine.” “Suddenly?”

“Yes. At twelve, Clarissa, one begins to see quite clearly how attractive some members of the opposite sex can be.” “But, James-” “Yes?” “Albertine's such a sweet little blonde.”

“Precisely. Very fitting, don't you think?” “Oh,” I said.

My brother's fingertips lightly played with my wrist. There was a wavering bubble in my throat, a certain sly tickle between my thighs.

I felt my nipples positively fluttering. “Well,” I finally added, “what did you tell her?” “I told her nothing, of course. I didn't have to. Albertine recognized that I was merely seizing on a pretext to be with her-” “And not with Mother.” “Exactly,” James said. I swallowed. There was something hard in my throat now.

Hard and tight. James brought my hand down to my thigh. “And then?” I asked. “Well, Albertine was at the closet, you know. I circled round to her until I could see the fine beads of moisture on her upper lip. You could tell she had begun to expect me.” “Oh, really, James-that sounds out of the whole cloth. Albertine must be all of thirty-five, and you're all of twelve. How could she have expected you?” He had drawn up my thick woolen nightgown. My own hand rested on my bare thigh, and his hand on mine. “I must explain, Clarissa.” “Do.” “There may be certain desperations the female experiences at thirty-five. Do you understand? Especially if the female has remained unmarried. She may feel driven. I'm not sure if you can follow this sort of thing at your tender age, Clarissa.”

“I may be tender but intellectually I am very advanced.”

“Enough to understand a thirty-five-year-old female?”

“James. At twelve, do you understand?” He tilted his black-haired elegant head and regarded me with the utmost seriousness.

“I think so,” he said. I burst into laughter. “Sssh!”

He frowned and put a finger to my lips. Impulsively, I kissed it.

In the dim light I saw my brother grin and then gaze at me with such a communication of oneness of spirit that I was warmed beyond measure. This was my brother, I thought with immense pride. He could do no ill. And with an impossibly diabolic innocence he shifted both our hands to his thigh. Which turned out to be his error. I made no demur. I merely gazed at him with an expression of pure surrender.

If impure, the surrender remained. “What did Albertine do, James?” “You mustn't think me vulgar, Clarissa.” Think him vulgar? I asked myself. On what account? The idea of vulgarity simply wasn't in my mind. On the contrary, I felt surpassingly comfortable.

It was with a sense of supreme security that I heard once again the clop-clop of a hansom-cab horse outside my window and gazed at the fog swirling against the panes of glass. Indeed, in no way did I think James vulgar even when, in the next instant, he guided my hand to grasp his quivering reed of generation. So overcome he apparently was, both with respect to my attitude of nonresistance and the sensation of my fingers fluting along his velvety potency, that he sighed gustily and lay his head back on the bolster. “Don't you think,” I said, “that I deserve to hear by now of your little blond Albertine?”

“Eh?” he said with an air of distraction. He was very gently squirming about beneath the covers as I kept a firm grip on the badge and brag of his masculinity. “Albertine.” “Ah, yes,” James said, nodding. “Albertine. You recall I observed I circled round to her.” “Yes.” I squeezed him encouragingly. His jaw dropped but he managed to continue. “Then she asked me what I wanted in a strange, choked sort of voice. Her blue eyes were like skylights. You do agree that Albertine's a lovely creature.” “Oh, quite. Did you tell her what you wanted?” “I wasn't sure myself, Clarissa-not there at the closet full of Mother's things, full of frills and flounces, furbelows and silken giddinesses-” I trailed a fingernail around the base of my brother's pulsing machine, and his whole body stiffened. “Clarissa,” he said. “Yes?” “I-” and he broke off. He tried to twist his body and slip his hand back to my thigh but somehow he couldn't manage it-the strength seemed to have left him, or it had become concentrated in one area alone. My own head was pounding but I remained in control. At the head of my brother's stiff shaft I discovered a slight moistness and thought I would devil him a bit further. I applied the oiliness to the length of his cock.

James's fingers clutched at the bedsheets. He breathed shallowly and I watched him like a bird of prey. I leaned over him as I bent his prick back against his groin and jiggled the spheres beneath. His eyes all but started from their sockets. I relented, then. I did want to hear the rest about Albertine. I let his purveyor of seed rest lightly in the palm of my hand and told him to go on with his tale of Mother's personal maid. He swallowed and composed himself as best he could. “You're quite certain you want me to continue?” he said.

“Yes,” I said firmly. “Well, Clarissa, how could I possibly tell Albertine what I wanted-there at Mother's closet? It seemed a sacrilege, somehow, there with Mother's things. Anyhow, I did mumble something, but it was unintelligible, and I stood there, shaking, really out of control-a most distressing sensation for a boy of twelve! Albertine came very close to me, she said she couldn't make a word out of what I had said. The scent she was using made me dizzy-I swear it, Clarissa!” “I don't doubt you, James.” “Thank you.

In any case, there I was, in a vertigo. The closet began to spin about me. I threw out my hands and found them at once entangled with Albertine. She made a soft cry and together we tumbled to the floor of Mother's closet. I think I went mad, then, to find myself so close to her blondness. I felt compelled-nay, obligated-to reach the heart of her and, after several ineffectual forays during which Albertine tossed and threshed, I managed it. It was a fantastic discovery, Clarissa!” “How do you mean?” “She's positively matted-the curls grow practically to her navel-she's marvellously wooly. Terribly dense, the whole locus, but even so it could not conceal her swollen outcroppings, so to speak. She cursed me in French as I learnt very quickly how to handle them. Then she tried to push me away, alarmed that we might be found in so compromising a position in an unlocked room. I refused to be pushed away. Albertine struck at me and with one hand I fended her off while with the other I kept my purchase to become the recipient of the increasing distillations produced by the powers of her sweetest orifices. We continued to wrestle although I was at a distinct disadvantage, and rapidly becoming more and more frustrated. “Not so Mademoiselle Lassez, no, not our Albertine Lassez…” My own head was awhirl when James paused. I gazed down at him. Even in the dimness, his was the most handsome countenance I had ever laid eyes on. There was something silkily sensual to his face, even as there is to mine-or was, I should say. And, curiously, gazing at him was something like gazing into a mirror, so much did we resemble one another. At any rate, I continued to curve my fingers around the sinew of his virility. Occasionally I tightened my grasp, occasionally I lightened it-all in a rhythm. I sensed that if I continued to apply myself in this manner, James could do me little harm, even if I wanted him to, which would always be a danger. My brother sighed gustily at my ministrations but, at my insistence, resumed his account. “As I said, I was becoming rapidly more frustrated. Albertine, on the other hand-as Harwell puts it to us about satellites in our physics lessons-was approaching her apogee while ostensibly she continued wrestling with me. Her breathing was labored and her skin was highly flushed. Even as she was contending with me, she gave me the sickliest kind of grin. I think I could cheerfully have put her out of this life had I not been so intent on gaining my own satisfactions. These, however, Albertine continued to deny me. Furious, I was about to withdraw my hand from the palpitations of her quintessential velvet and give her a rousing mauling with both my hands, slap her about, if necessary, to prepare her for a skewering-when, suddenly, she suspended combat, thrust at my dabbling digits with her hips, shivered convulsively, arched, twitched and fell away from me. Trembling, I vowed to myself I would take her then and there. I hoisted all her layers of petticoat, exposed her to the belly- thick blond mat and all-and was about, I swear, to lose my virginity and violate Albertine, when the voice of our housekeeper was then heard, and not from afar. Mrs. Manyjohn was calling for Mademoiselle Lassez and was obviously nearing my mother's room. It was then that I cursed in fluent English and rapidly disengaged. I told Albertine I would hide in the closet whilst she disposed of Mrs.

Manyjohn, which would then give me the opportunity of slipping out of Mother's quarters unobserved. I then exacted a promise from Albertine to rendezvous in the south wing, but she never appeared there. I therefore found it impossible to sleep, Clarissa-and I believe you understand why…” My brother's voice trailed off. His eyes closed. I kept fondling his still flexible instrument and then I whispered, “I should like to, James, but we really mustn't.” “I know,” he said. “I really couldn't, anyway, not so long as you continue to have him in your grasp-that quite disarms me.” “Only that?” “Well, I suppose one really shouldn't do it to one's sister, although, as our histories show us, the royal lines did do incest in various parts of the world. One thinks of the Egyptians, for example,” he finished sadly. “The Egyptians did various things,”

I said. I drew back the foreskin from the glans of James's pre-doughty reamer. My nipples felt as though they were sparkling. “Did they, Clarissa?” James's voice held a note of irony as he lay stretched out quite passively. “Such as what you're doing?” “Such as.” “I guess they showed it in their bas-reliefs-half an arse at a time.”

“Oh, James. Really.”

“Clarissa-” “Yes, James?” “You've learnt a great deal from those Egyptians. The head on your shoulders knows exactly what to do with the head on my prick.” I giggled. “Two heads are better than one,” I said. Then I pulled at one of them. The owner groaned. I ran a finger from head to root at first slowly, then swiftly, then slowly again. It became as hard and as elevated as a catapult. “You are going to launch something, Clarissa,” James said in a very low tone. “But this projectile will explode on the moment of launching.” “Mmm,” I said. “You are a mad Egyptian,” my brother said. Egyptian-Cornish-English-it did not matter. I was now beside myself. I flung back the bedcovers, chill or no chill. As far as I was concerned, my bedroom had become as torrid as the tropics. If there were certain consummations I could not accomplish with my brother, there were certainly alternatives. To that end I divested myself of my nightgown, and once again took hold of James's spice-shaker. James looked up at me and said with something like awe, “You will have an extraordinary body, Clarissa. It is already fantastically lissome and sweet, all milk-and-ivory. You are indeed beautiful, my sister.” It was then that I flung all caution to the winds, wherever they were. Well, perhaps not all caution. What I did do was to rub my feverish nipples-first one, then the other-along the base of James's vaulting pole. Said pole was throbbing. I saw it mark off time by the battering it took from its blood supply. So for the first of many times in my life I went berserk. It would happen again and again at the sight and feel of the male phallus, whatever its dimensions. My brother's at twelve was certainly no massive engine. It was no colossus commanding the female harbor. On the other hand, for the lad's age, it was a most respectable size. Now I took it in both of my hands. I squeezed it gently. James smiled. I squeezed it roughly.

James winced but smiled again. I slid the skin of the pulsant thing back and forth, back and forth as I groveled to my belly and rested my chin on my brother's thigh so I could watch the cock's responses close at hand as I manipulated it. I wanted very badly to take it into my mouth and lightly chew on it, so to speak, without any further processes of digestion taking place, but I thought I would lose my sanity if I did so. I therefore contented myself with the use of my hands. At which James seemed quite satisfied. He drew long shuddering breaths. I thought I would enhance the proceedings by bringing up the subject of our new governess-the last we were to have-Miss Cleves. “What do you think of her?” I asked as I pulled rhythmically at his shaft. “Angela Cleves who sleeps blissfully, we trust, in the adjacent room?” “Yes,” I said, pushing the flesh away from the tiny aperture at the tip of the creature's pointed head and noting that some white ooze had anointed it. Once again I utilized the lubricant but this time I much more vigorously massaged James's organ. His hips bucked. “It's impossible,” he said, “to give you an opinion about anything so long as you're intent on bringing me to the point of no return.” I murmured my apologies and diminished the frequency, whereupon James turned and said, “All Rome will fall before its due if you go too slow. Moderation, my dear Clarissa, moderation… All I so far appreciate about the Cleves woman is her flaming red hair.” He seemed to be disgusted and I asked him why.

“Well, the Cleves woman promises some interest-I like her emaciated type. Emaciated in the waist and belly and arms, but pouting up those prominent breasts. I suspect very full thighs from the amount of voluptuously curved leg she's shown. But, Clarissa, we don't really need another governess, we're a bit too old for it, I think. It's simply that the Marquis and Marchioness want to keep us children for the longest while possible-almost as if that will ensure them from getting any older. The subject's terribly depressing. But not Angela Cleves, I think. She seems all salt and pepper and I look forward to drinking from her well-she can take care of my thirst at any time!”

“How terribly generous of you, James,” I said dryly. “I do think I'll finish you off-now.” “Clarissa, please-let's prolong it a bit more.” “I'm too excited,” I said. “Really. Touch my nipples, James, and see.” He reached to them and took them between his fingers, one at a time. The nipples were hot and febrile. He clamped his mouth about one and sucked. I went mad. I pushed and pulled at his little cannon. He writhed, my nipple still in his mouth.

I dug a fingertip into the base of his organ on the underside. He let go my nipple. His head thrashed back and forth on the bolster. His eyes were shut. Then, as I stroked his apparatus wildly, teased it beyond endurance, rolled it, slapped it against his groin, wrenched at it, wiggled it, glided it along my belly, slid it along the as yet shallow cleavage of my immature teats, twisted it, nestled it under my armpits, flopped and fluttered it-his whole body tensed and made something of an arc. “Clarissa-” “Yes?” “I'm going to-ah, ah, ah…” And, all at once, my cupped hands were flooded with my brother's thick white stock. So inflamed I became by the sight of it that, believe me, I needed no further stimulus. I became a strung bow myself and quivered to an unbearable degree-or, better still, a brilliant bell struck to make the highest possible chimes that did more than ripple through me. I felt as if I were wrenched, torn, ripped and stormed. I gritted my teeth to keep myself from screaming, and the wild thought careened through me that, if I could react like this to something seen, what might I not do when experiencing the actual coupling in the flesh? So caught up both James and I were in our respective ecstasies, that we did not detect the opening and the closing of my bedroom door to which I had neglected to rethrow the bolt. We were not aware that a third party was present just inside the door until we heard that husky vibrato with which we were to become so familiar. “Good evening, children,” she began. It was Miss Angela Cleves, our new governess, in a quilted robe that effectively concealed her high breasts and scimitar hips. Her flaming red hair, of course, was quite lost in the gloom. “Or, should I say good morning?” James and I at this point were sitting bolt upright in the bed and realizing we had made complete asses of ourselves. I tried, nonetheless, to save the day-or, what was left of the night. With as haughty a mien as I could muster, I said, “Miss Cleves.” “Yes, Clarissa?” “I'm not in the habit, Miss Cleves, of having my privacy so grossly maligned as you have just done. I am afraid I shall have to ask you to go. You were assigned quarters, were you not?” Miss Cleves admired my gall and told me so. And she added, “Your precociousness is beyond question. We shall have to do something about that, Clarissa. But is there trouble with your brother? He seems inarticulate.” “I beg your pardon?”

James said stonily, looking straight ahead of him. “I said,” Miss Cleves repeated, “you seem inarticulate.” “I am not in the habit,” James said, falling in with my supposed stratagem, “of discussing my aptitudes with governesses, thank you. And I most definitely join my sister in asking you to go.” “Do you?” Miss Cleves inquired, and she burst into a merry laugh. “I do indeed, in my capacity as heir-apparent of this house.” He continued to gaze stonily ahead of him. “Then I'm sure,” Miss Cleves said, “the heir-apparent will not in the least mind if the Marquis is advised that the heir-apparent was entertained by his sister in her bedroom.”

James was silent. I was silent. Miss Cleves had just bound us hand and foot to the Quist-Hagen traditions of honor. You see, if in an interview with the Marquis the allegations of Angela Cleves were in opposition to the testimony of my brother and myself, Miss Cleves would be the loser-even though we would have lied. Because our word would be taken rather than Miss Cleves'. But, by our standards of honor, we were enjoined from fabrication and were under the obligation of telling only the truth. At last James spoke.

“The heir-apparent would mind if Miss Cleves so advised the Marquis.” In all justice to her, Angela Cleves gave not the slightest hint of triumph. “Thank you, James,” she said gravely.

“And I believe that none of us will regret this nocturnal chat, now that I am assured of your complete cooperation. James-” she turned to him-“if you are ready, I will be most happy to accompany you to your bedroom. It is quite late-I suggest that all of us could use some sleep.” His eyes downcast, grumbling under his breath, James slipped out of my bed and into his slippers. He preceded Miss Cleves to the door and opened it for her. Smiling, she glanced up and down the corridor and then beckoned to James to follow her. He did so and I shut the door. It goes without saying that, in a fury, I slammed the bolt home, admitting to myself at the same time that it was far too late for bolts to be of any value unless they came from the blue.

Miss Cleves, I thought, had the upper hand. The question was, how would she use it?

4

I had not long to wait before finding out. Angela Cleves made her intentions known in no uncertain way the moment she had the opportunity. The prolonged incident occurred after my mother and father had left for the evening to attend a ball given by the Queen for her consort, Albert of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha. The Marquis had been in a generous mood that entire day and, at noon, he had informed the staff at Hagen House that they could have the night for themselves.

The only individual who had not joined in the exodus had been Angela Cleves. I should have been suspicious that she had not taken advantage of the opportunity for an evening's personal pleasure, but the thought simply never crossed my mind. I was in the library working on an assignment given me by Harwell, James's tutor and mine, when the ornately carved door opened and-there was Angela, her red curls piled pyramidally atop her head, her breasts pronounced against her shirtwaist, her faintly slanted gray eyes alive with mocking merriment. “Yes, Miss Cleves?” I was most distinctly annoyed at having been interrupted. “My dear Lady Clarissa-” she began formally. “I'm still a child,” I said tartly. “There's no need for formal address. I find you in poor taste.” “I'm terribly sorry, Clarissa. I do apologize.” The scorn in the voice of her apology put me fairly into a fury. “What is it that you wish, Miss Cleves?” In my tension I stood up at the library table and slammed shut the books I had before me. “I took the liberty of having the maids bring water for our baths tonight before they left. I suggest you take advantage of it before it cools-in my quarters. I will assist you, of course.” “I need no assistance,” I said levelly. “As your governess, Clarissa, permit me to be the judge of that.” “Suppose I do not permit you, Miss Cleves,” I said coldly. “Then,” she said bluntly, “I will have to advise the Marquis of your behavior with your brother in your bedroom on that famous evening.” “Your stratagems are rather crude.” “But workable,” she said lightly. “Shall I expect you in my rooms shortly?”

“Yes, Miss Cleves.” “By the by,” the redhead said over her shoulder as she quit the library, “your brother James is waiting there too.” I must give a full, clinical report. This Era, this Victorian Era, is full of dissembling and hypocrisy. I pride myself so far on my candor… What I did not care for in the situation with Angela was the plain and simple truth that she was blackmailing a ten-year-old girl-no matter how precocious and sophisticated I was-and a twelve-year-old boy-and there was no male more advanced than he was for his age. Somehow, therefore, Angela Cleves had to be brought to book. For the moment I did not know how, but I promised myself that this would be a major undertaking, and that my co-conspirator would be, of course, my brother James. In the meantime, however, I had no recourse but to do Angela Cleves' bidding. For me to say that in doing so was unremitting misery, I should have to lie. No, much of my association with our governess was pure bliss, unmitigated pleasure, a fantastic trip to the sublime-especially so during an Era when the Establishment officially looked upon sex with loathing and disgust, aside from such figures as Sir Richard Burton who, during the intervals between his explorations translated the whole of the Arabian Nights, but which I was only able to read in expurgated version at that time. Now, when I must buy my lovers, I can read the unbowdlerized edition, but the erotic impact, I fear, is minimal.

Then, the impact of the Arabian Nights, even in its scissored version, was maximal, and I fantasied opening my legs and permitting an army of men to book passage-whom I would then transport… But I am anticipating my story. Let me return to Angela. Unlike many another English family of the blood, my mother and father never for a moment believed in stinting on attire and ambience either with their children or those most directly concerned with them, such as the tutor or governess. Accordingly, Oliver Harwell and his like during his tenure had a most comfortable small suite, and Angela Cleves, and others of her tribe, were similarly ensconced. When I entered Miss Cleves' well-appointed precincts, I was struck by the fact that the gaslights were low in the bedroom while, beyond, in the bathroom, they burned with a feverish brilliance. Almost as if to say, what was to be done in burning clarity might even be better done in the shadows. I can't say that Cleves was champing at the bit while waiting for me, nor did it seem to me that my brother was unduly aroused. On the contrary, they seemed to be having a perfectly composed exchange. It appeared that Cleves was an amateur naturalist much taken by the observation of birds. “Did you know that?”

James asked of me. “I had no idea.” My reply had been reserved.

How Angela Cleves could be brought to book and got rid of, would be the riddle of the century if it turned out James would not join forces with me. But he shall-he must! We could not tolerate a blackmailer in our bosom-she must be rooted out. But the rooting out of Angela would have to be put off at least for this evening, and probably for some time to come. There was nothing either James or I could do for the moment except to comply as graciously as possible with Cleves' wishes. Of course, the nature of her wishes were such, too, that we could hardly turn away from the pleasures of the sensual. “I would suggest,” Miss Cleves said, her faintly slanted gray eyes betraying a kind of curling amusement, “that since we are presently not involved in observing the winged creatures of our land, and that because hot water does tend to cool, we presently undress for the bath. As you know, since I'm rather forward-looking, I do not allow false modesty, especially under these circumstances when discretion is the better part of valor, to stand in our way.” Ah, indeed. Who could forget Miss Cleves? And, without further ado, the redheaded voluptuary began to divest herself. James and I had no recourse but to follow suit. James was shortly bare of all but his skin. I had to smile, and Angela Cleves' lips trembled in repressed humor, as for the moment we regarded my estimable brother standing there in the integument with which he had originally been brought into this curious world. His face was a very model of serenity and composure, but-alas-the youth was elsewhere betrayed. For, in its tremor dancing a little jig, between his thighs there shook his as yet unmonstrous catapulter. In the parlance of my imagination, my brother's member was at half mast and at the mercy, one might have said, of a mild seismographic effect. It was a sweet member, I thought, and one which I would have liked, tenderly, to kiss-in a most sisterly fashion! But I was never to experience that with James, and to this day it distresses me to think of the taboo that had me desist from kissing my brother's phallus and bringing it within my pulsant harbor, while I nevertheless permitted my fingers to have my way with him-in what way may the hand be less guilty than the vaginal and oral orifices?

In any case, it was obvious that James was already responding to the spirit of the occasion. The many highlights on the lustrous, curling black hair of his groin seemed to indicate, too, that there already might have been something of a discharge that had burnished the hair. The heavy throbbing that had commenced in the region of my own genitalia led me to believe there might shortly be a similar effect on my black curls which, for my age, were a profusion. It took Angela Cleves and myself considerably longer to denude ourselves because of the multiple nature of our undergarments. I do know that, finally, I made quite a picture-Miss Cleves had had the foresight of having had a full-length dress mirror installed in her bedroom, and I found myself staring at the raven-tressed lass who had developed rather in advance of the full decade she had been on the earth. All the concavities and convexities were present save for the abundant teats-they were not yet so except for the marvelous gifts of my nipples, whose sharpness and protrusion I could match with almost anyone's… “The bath,” I heard myself murmuring. “Oh, the bath,” I muttered, knowing that James was staring at me as I felt myself, felt the sticky wetness even as I watched myself do it in the mirror, felt an even heavier throbbing as I saw Angela Cleves, petticoat after petticoat, ruffle after ruffle, laciness after laciness, at last reveal herself and shake loose the red hair piled atop her head, shaking it loose so that it fell to her waist, her incredibly slim waist that flared into the harp of luxuriant womanhood. She lifted both her arms and took our hands, James's and mine, and led us, as if we were sacrifices-and by that point we were willing enough!-into the bathroom where the gaslight was high, was a feverish brilliance, where the sheer milkiness of my skin and that of my brother's could be clearly seen, contrasting with the ebon of our hair, and where, too, the beauty that was Angela's could be gazed at to the heart's content.

There was the wave upon wave of titian hair, there was the faintly slanted gray of her eyes in the piquant face in its slightly off-center pixie triangle, and there were her breasts-high, long, pointed, swollen, their nipples protruding further than mine. I started to sweat. James could not contain himself. With a hoarse cry he advanced upon Angela and with both hands seized one of her breasts and took long, slow sucks upon it. Angela threw back her head and laughed. James did not for a moment pause. I stood there transfixed. As James continued to have at her teat, Angela seized his now rigid cock and gently brushed it against the dense reddish fleece adorning her Mount of Venus-brushed it against and then jabbed it at herself almost as if she were triumphally planting a standard on the mountaintop. James groaned. My knees trembled. And thus Angela brought us to the bath whose steep sides we proceeded to climb over-there was a picture: three bobbing posteriors mounting the ornate tub which, large though it was, nevertheless forced us into rather close quarters. But by that point none of us minded in the least. Laughing immoderately, shrieking, squealing, a-chatter with chuckle and gasp, we took turns soaping each other and ourselves, James by that stage so hypersensitive that, as Angela ran the soap along his male regalia, the breath caught in his throat, his face suddenly paled, he leaned back against the side of the tub, his prick high and quaking and catapulting forth great gushes of thick white juice. An expression of savagery overtook Angela's face and she engorged all of James's organ in her mouth, her throat working convulsively as she pulled and swallowed… pulled and swallowed.

Seeing she was thus engaged, I took courage in hand and thrust one, two and then three fingers into her turgid vulva obscured by the soapy waters. Her gray eyes bulged. As far as she possibly could within the confines of the bathtub-and she was on her knees in the soap-bubbled water as she laved at and sucked my brother's reamer-she spread her freckled thighs for me. I knelt before this redheaded beauty and dug. Dug viciously. With all the suppressed cruelty of a ten-year-old who had been surrounded with convention and taboo. With the cant and the sham of the times that permitted the adult male of the species to enjoy bloodletting by watching bare-knuckled prizefighters maul themselves half to death… I was a child of the times. The times that had other children work in factories fourteen hours a day. I was incomparably more fortunate. And what, pray, what was I doing now? I shall tell you, in all candor. I was the Lady Clarissa, punishing my inferior, Miss Angela Cleves. Therefore, dear reader, I dug at Angela's vulva. At her vagina. Now she was thrashing in the bathwater. She had released my brother, who now watched us incredulously. She looked at me with terror and hatred, but was powerless. The bliss had her helpless. Spittle formed at the corners of her mouth-I had found that special, ultrasensitive protuberance of the female, the clitoris, and I was stroking it, jerking at it, pushing it, squeezing it with all the cunning at my command.

Angela's breathing was stertorous. James continued to watch us, his own machine a-dangle and hopping from time to time like a little bird on the end of a leash. Our governess gazed at me with venomous rage, which her ecstasies kept at bay. It was not that she was not being erotically satisfied, but that she felt her ignominious secondary position-and to a ten-year-old girl at that! Admittedly, a ten-year-old far in advance of her chronological age, but vastly the junior of Cleves. But Cleves was a female of extraordinary spirit. She had no intention of remaining in a secondary position. Her breasts jiggling from the effort, she took a purchase on the rim of the bathtub and by main force pulled herself upright-even as I never missed a stroke. I grinned wickedly at her discomfiture-I was relishing every second. But Angela Cleves shook her head and, with a steely grip, seized my hand-although, like some mechanical thing, her hips, that had been thrusting at my fingers before, continued to thrust. She took a deep breath. “Children,” she said. “Yes, dear governess,” James and I mockingly chanted in unison. “We will dry ourselves and proceed to the bedroom.”

“Yes, dear governess.” Once we were back in the bedroom I did a superb piece of acting. If I may say so, this was probably the first instance of the showing of my histrionic abilities. The motivation? Very simple. Although I was a child, I was nevertheless a Lady, the daughter of a Marquis, and I wished to prove to Cleves that I was quite capable of maintaining my superior position. What I did was the following-nothing complicated but, as it turned out, highly effective. James, alert to every shading of my moods, waited, intuiting that I had the situation well in hand and that we would take the play away from the redhead on the ground that the pleasures of the aristocratic blood took precedence over those of the working class.

I sat on the bed, daintily picked up a stocking, raised one leg high into the air and fell back, as though I were about to roll on my stocking from that stance, thus taking the first step toward absenting myself from Miss Cleves' quarters. With a strangled whimper of lust, the voluptuous redheaded woman advanced upon me in all her seductive nudity-she had stared for a moment at my position on the bed, with one leg altitudinously elevated, and what that had revealed of my outer and inner ramparts pinkly pouting among the black foliage.

“You little beast,” she hurled at me. “I will teach you to mock me-even in my presence!” She had no idea of what was to transpire. She did not notice, for instance, that the fine club of my brother had once again become poised. Simulating alarm, I raised the other leg, crooking it at the knee, and dropped the stocking.

“Oh, la,” said I, “whatever have I done?” Cleves' words were quite lost and unintelligible as she dropped to her knees-I had made certain to comport myself at the edge of the bed-and buried herself headfirst in my ebon coppice, her tongue darting furiously. I felt a huge victory-Cleves had genuflected. She was practically prostrate before me. I raised myself to my elbows and then sat up, a liquid fire engulfing my vitals because of the knowing lavings of my governess. I caressed the back of her neck and several times rudely pushed at her head so that she might search me out more thoroughly.

Then I nodded at James and he winked. I dropped once again to my elbows and, very slowly, began pushing myself away from the edge of the four-poster-pushing myself toward the center of the fresh sheets.

As I did so, Cleves never for a moment relinquished either her labializing of my rima pudendi or her rapid tongue inserts between the labia majora pudendi and the labia minora pudendi, laving the clitoris and foraging into the vagina (my dear reader, please to keep in mind that, while at the time of the instance described above I had no idea whatever of the proper names for the anatomy in question, I did learn them later in my frigid period to understand myself better, an account of which you will find later in my narrative). I tell you quite frankly, I would have surrendered then and there to the Clevesian ministrations and forgotten my noble blood entirely had it not been for my loyalty to my brother who had contrived to whisper to me, while the busy redhead was nibbling at my clitoris-which almost drove me mad-that if I got Cleves onto the bed, he, James would be in a position once and for all to have done with his virginity. So be it, I told myself. Now the redhead and I were roughly in the center of the four-poster. As she had at me with her little pointed tongue, her rump was high in the air. Her hands tortured my nipples.

My own breathing was shallow. I shut my eyes. I began to buck.

Then, suddenly, my genital system felt as if it had been stove in-Angela's teeth had cut into the tissues because the woman had been lunged at from the rear. I whined. Actually, the pain was short-lived because of the overriding zest that soon claimed me. It had been James, of course, who had come upon Angela from behind. As the head of his penis established contact with the tip of her womb, Miss Angela Cleves uttered an unearthly cry. Momentarily she raised her secretion-smeared face and twisted her head to cry to James, “You dirty little monster!” I supposed she was paying some sort of lip service to whatever remained of her conscience, because once again she applied her physiognomic lips to my vaginal ones, and once again I was flying a sortie of rapture while my brother plumbed Cleves from the rear-then I heard her groaning at my slit. He was being quite cruel to her but she deserved every shred for blackmailing us. He hung on to her breasts-literally hung on them-while he glided in and out of her, plunged in and out of her. She made pitiful nasal sounds which I intercepted and broke by shoving her face into my luxuriance and wrapping my thighs around her neck. I came. James came.

But Angela had not conquered. On the contrary-she had not reached her climax. Her sweaty and lubricated face pleaded with us to finish her off. James was adamant. I was adamant. We grinned, my brother and I. “Masturbate,” we said in unison. “We will do you the pleasure of observing.” The redhead had no other recourse. She asked us to leave. We shook our heads. “Blackmail invites blackmail,” James said. Shivering-the fire had gone down in the grate-the girl parted her cleft and, her jaw gone slack, manipulated herself. James and I then were newly excited. “You take one,” I said, “and I'll take the other.” “Agreed,” James said. And we chewed at Angela's nipples as she fingered the node in the female that so resembles the male's prick. Finally she gave a great humping. Stupor was on her face. She uttered high piercing cries, and a series of tremors giddied and eddied all over her body. Unwilling, now, to let her go, I continued to savage her nipples while James mouthed her pubic region. Again Angela convulsed, flopping about like a fish on a hot plate. “Let me alone now,” she said in a low voice when her flop-about had subsided.

“I beg you, let me-” James slapped her face. She shut up.

Yes, I thought. This was our revenge for Angela having threatened to inform on us to our parents. This was bringing her to book. She would become our sexual slavey. So the revenge turned out to be very simple. And when she was satiated, she would leave and we would never see her again. But now we had her where we wanted her… James held his shriveled instrument out to her. “Harden it,” he said.

“We don't have very much time now,” Angela said. “The Marquis and Marchioness will be-” “Harden it,” James said pitilessly.

“Quickly, Angela.” Her head hanging, abased, our governess knelt before my brother and flicked her fingers across his rod and redeemer.

She grazed her fingertips along the base of his still modest column- still modest when erect-until it essayed little pumping motions. Then she brushed her nipples across it and then it positively gave a heave, its rocketlike shape quite startling but capable, of course, of fireworks. “James,” she said. “Yes?” “James,” she said again, piteously. “What is it, Miss Cleves?” “I quite realize I'm your senior by a number of years, but would you consider staying with me a few more hours-because on second thought I don't believe your mother and father will look in on us.” “Holy faggots of Christ,” James cursed, “I should hope not. Nevertheless, Cleves, there will be other occasions so that I think it best to break off for the moment.” Angela's face burned. “Just another hour,” she pleaded. “I am terribly tense and overactivated and need thoroughgoing satisfactions.” “I am not your man,” James said decisively. “I am grateful that, because of you, I am no longer a virgin. But I am not your paramour. I'm a very gifted and avant-garde boy, and therefore I will inform you as to our next rendezvous, my sister Clarissa to be included as well.” “Children are terribly cruel,” she said.

“Only as a result of their governesses,” I said. She shook her head. “I cannot stay here. I shall have to ask my contract to be nullified.” She spoke in very low tones, as if the words were simply for her ears alone. James and I had dressed and we were standing by the door. “Good night, Miss Cleves,” James said. She did not reply. Nor did she say a word when I wished her the same. We left her squatting naked in the middle of the four-poster bed, for all the world in the dim gaslight some burnished, holy statuette from some lost land, her red hair tumbling disheveled about her face and shoulders… I tarried a few minutes in James's suite. “Do you think we did right, James, in using her?” He leaned back in a leather armchair in his elegant way. “Of course we did. She had no right threatening to tell tales to Mother and Dad.” “Perhaps,” I said, “she did evil because she's our last governess. She's our introduction into the world.” “Yes,” he said, “what fragments we see of it.” I sighed. “What is it, Clarissa?” “It's hard to say, James. After sex, even though, technically, I'm still a virgin-I feel sad. As if I've given everything away. Don't you feel that way at all, James? After all, you're no longer a virgin.”

“Well, I rather feel as if we're going through the last of our childhood, Clarissa-and that we should make the most of Angela Cleves.” “You don't believe she'll try to break her contract?”

“I doubt if she'll make any such effort. I think she feels she's got the perfect picture here, you know-lewd lad and lass join their governess in secret sex rites.” “Well, she is a beauty. Those teats… ah… I can't wait till I get my hands on them again.”

“Her love amphora is marvellous too,” James said. “It's snug and slippery and steamy…” “Did you notice her armpits, James? Her red hair grows thick as furze there-she's terribly exciting. I shall dare to nestle my nose under her arms the next time…” He looked at me fondly. “You are a funny lass, Clarissa-I'd rather have you than any other sister in the world.” “Done!” I cried joyously, and I kissed him on the nose. “Don't you wish summer were here and we'd be in Cornwall again?” “If Cleves comes along, I daresay we'll have a good time of it. I'd like to frighten her with our maze and then take her then and there in the center of it, just while she's terror-stricken… I demurred. “We needn't be cruel, James.”

“Children are defined by cruelty, Clarissa. It is the only way we can get along with adults.” “Naughty, naughty, James-you're guilty of generalizing!” “Well, dammit, I feel as if I ought to be guilty of something.” I laughed thrillingly. James put on a quirky smile. “Well,” I said, “don't do any damage to yourself out of guilt -I'd be rather proud of that magic cone you have hanging there between your legs!”

5

The winter left, and there was spring. Spring left, and there was summer. Then the whole household began packing for its annual trek to Cornwall by numerous coaches-and-four. Even my father, the Marquis, would inevitably become involved, as he had been through the years, in the preparations for the move, for London was infamous during the summer. Later, toward the end of my adolescence, I would come to find London fabulous at any season-but I once more violate chronology, dear reader, so that I ask that you accept my apologies.

Suffice it to remark that, when the packing was finished, all of us clambered, sweating, into the coaches. Angela Cleves, James, Oliver Harwell and myself occupied one coach-and-four. The weather outside the coach was oppressive, what with lowering clouds and the noxious greasy smoke coiling upward from the increasing number of London factories. The atmosphere inside the coach, however, had its compensations. James and I had decided beforehand that, to eliminate the boredom inevitably attendant on such a trip, we should mildly bedevil both our tutor and governess, or that at least we should try to. We had no doubt that we should be able to torment Angela, but Harwell was another question. In the time that we had known Harwell-a big but gracefully moving man with chestnut-colored hair and beard and infinitely gentle brown eyes in an open, squarish face-he had been imperturbable. Of course, neither James nor I presented any disciplinary problems. We were exemplary students and far ahead of the curriculum for our age. So, in terms of bedevilment, we really had no idea if Oliver Harwell would respond. I do know that my own interest in Harwell had taken a sharp turn for the erotic, and for the first time I noticed that, like the other men of the day, he wore tight-fitting trousers. The rest of his attire was equally conventional-the shirt collar turned upwards, and the points showing above his cravat; the whole dress, except for the shirt, a sober black. But what interested me far more than those articles were his trousers and the “basket”-to use the vernacular-they contained. The basket seemed always to stay the same -it altered neither in favor of shrinkage nor in favor of expansion. Which observation contented me not-as I say, my interest in Harwell had taken a sharp turn for the erotic. Why this was so, is hard to explain. He certainly bore no resemblance either to my father or brother or, indeed, to any of my cousins or uncles. A reasonable explanation might simply be that my awareness of forms was amplifying. Harwell was a fresh male form-and I simply had not seen him until I was ready to do so. In any case, I was undoubtedly ready to bedevil him during our trip to Quistern House on the Cornwall coast. Harwell, ordinarily voluble while tutoring James and me, was today as stony as the Sphinx, He kept staring expressionlessly out the coach window as we jogged along the London cobblestones. I was speculating on what precisely to do to engage his attention. James had already begun to torment the voluptuous Angela. He made it seem as if it were accidental that from time to time he brushed his lingam and that in response, bulging down one side of his tight pants, was a slim but unmistakable form resembling the sheath for a miniature knife. The voluptuous redhead-at James's last encounter with his prize pet-had drawn a sharp breath and was presently focusing, as if with morbid fascination, on James's elongating badge of manhood, immature as it was. Harwell continued to stare out the window. Some time had passed and we were presently trotting through the countryside where at least the air was somewhat less foul than in the city. I lifted my skirts, with a show of being oppressed by the heat. The powerful but shapely curves of my legs were revealed. “Miss Clarissa,” Angela said sharply.

I turned to her. “Yes, Miss Cleves?” I said indolently, arrogantly. Was she going to presume, I thought, to give me a lecture on the morality of a female showing her calves. Was she going to inform me that Englishwomen throughout the glory of the British Empire under the reign of Queen Victoria regarded it as unthinkable to display anything more than a well-turned ankle? Well, since Cleves was already shocked by my bestockinged calves, I might just as well risk a shriek from her by my next action. I bared part of my thighs.

Angela's jaw dropped. Indeed, if it had been attached to loose hinges, it might very well have separated from the rest of her skull.

But I wished her no ill any more-she was our sexual plaything, available whenever James and I wished her to be. As for tormenting her in the coach, it was simply a pastime to mark the highway to Cornwall.

What I actually wanted was to stir up some interest from our tutor. I stirred up interest, yes, but not the kind I wanted. He turned from the coach window and said, his full lips barely hinting at a smile, “Miss Clarissa-” “Yes, Mr. Harwell?” “Are you terribly warm?” James chuckled. Harwell ignored him. “Yes,”

I said, “I am.” “I judged so,” Mr. Harwell said. “What I suggest, then-and you can certainly do this without trepidation, since we have all been socially intimate here with one another for some time- what I suggest, Miss Clarissa, while your brother and I turn away our faces, of course, is that-if you will forgive the possible indelicacy and, indeed, the possible outrageousness of the suggestion, which I trust everyone here will keep in confidence -what I suggest for your relief from the heat is that you remove some of your undergarments-please forgive the vulgarity of the expression-and loosen your bodice.”

He nodded amiably, stroked his beard a few times and turned away again to contemplate nature through the coach window. The consequence, of course, was that I didn't take his suggestion at all-James was snickering and Angela was white with shock-I let down my skirts, sat bolt upright, adopted a stern eye looking at nothing, and endured the rest of the journey without comment, which took quite a while since the Cornwall coast, at the point we were situated, is some four hundred miles from London, necessitating stopovers at inns along the way, not only to rest the horses but to provide a good night's sleep for the weary traveler. At any rate, I shall note here that I had no further personal interchange with Oliver Harwell until I was fifteen, which shall be described in due course. Some readers may well wonder what a tutor was doing with his charges during the summer months, ordinarily a vacation period. The explanation is quite simple: the Marquis did not believe in educational hiatuses. He believed that some mode of instruction of a token nature be sustained during the halcyon days, so that the discipline under study might not entirely go into limbo. Libidinously, then, I was forced to be content with practices involving my brother and Angela Cleves. One night stands vividly in mind even now, the curious telling of which by Cleves herself will most properly, although strangely, close this account of my prepubertal years, after which we can proceed directly to one of the high points of my adolescence. The night I propose to regale you with, dear reader, was an inordinately hot and humid one. It was amazing that anyone managed to sleep, but I was so overcome with discomfort that I cared not a whit as to who was slumbering or no. For a while I stood by the window, thinking that the humid westerly wind might be of some mysterious benefit. I could not have been more mistaken, and I shut the window. I tarried a few moments longer there, entranced by the play of heat lightning across the ocean sky and the revealed sight of thousands upon thousands of whitecaps bobbing on the stormy waters-and then I turned away. Oliver Harwell was on my mind.

His size was on my mind. I had not appreciated his size before. I had not given his size much thought. Now his size filled my brain. I did not realize that night that before anything would occur with Harwell I would be fifteen years of age. In any case I wished that I could seduce him. But to all of my exhibitionism Oliver Harwell remained impervious… I paced my bedroom.

There was only one person who understood me. My brother. I had to talk to him, I had to pour out my psyche to him… His bedroom door was unlocked, and I let myself in. He was asleep, but lightly.

James was never heavy about anything. He awoke instantly the moment I began to whisper to him. “You're consumed with Harwell,” he said. “Yes.” “I think I know how to relieve you, Clarissa.” “Oh?” “Suppose I demonstrate with Angela.”

“If you wish, James.” We found Angela Cleves quite solidly asleep, her thin cotton nightgown bunched up over her belly… Both James and I clambered into her bed and began to play with her…

If the reader will indulge me, I should like with his permission to insert at this point-before I go on to my adolescence -a most astonishing account of the episode above by Ange Cleves herself from her otherwise rather tedious journal, which I have in my possession to this day. James and I found the journal before the Cornwall constabulary ransacked her quarters at Quistern House, and secreted it in her own rooms. What had transpired was that, several days after the episode she recounts -which, as she writes it, has so poignant and pathetic a beginning-Angela Cleves vanished from Quistern House. To this day, too, her disappearance has never been satisfactorily explained. Cleves, wherever she had gone, had taken nothing with her. Her modest suite had been in perfect order. Her valises had been untouched. No valuables had been missing from Quistern House, and the precious gems in my father's collection had been undisturbed. It is possible, of course, that in her distracted state -a state none of us had been in the slightest aware of-she might have ended her life by her own hand. But no evidence was turned up to form the basis for such conjecture-unless this excerpt from her journal could be construed to indicate that Cleves had had suicide on her mind. A pall settled over Quistern House for the remainder of the summer, and for the first and only time the staff of Quistern House, the Marquis and Marchioness, and James and myself-were distinctly relieved when we made our summer-end move back to London. In any case, here follows the relevant excerpt from the journal of Angela Cleves. I'm helpless! helpless! helpless! I can't go on like this. I would never have dreamed it possible… really… that I should be the captive of my exquisite charges, my exquisite Clarissa and my elegant James. And I am their willing captive.

I cannot go on in this fashion. I am obsessed with them- with Clarissa and James. Is it possible for one of my years-I am twenty-seven-to be so enraptured with a mere boy and girl? Is it all bestial of me? I wonder… I wonder… I have been reading of late of a man named Charles Darwin, and about his book called Origin of Species. I haven't read the book, it is terribly difficult to obtain. Perhaps when we return to London-if ever I do return-I shall make it my business to purchase a copy. But the point is, the book has occasioned a deal of controversy, much of it distorted, I'm sure. What seems to have alarmed our curates and bishops is Mr. Darwin's theory that man descends from the apes. I talked with Oliver Harwell about this and he was most amused. He told me many of the newspaper and magazine accounts have got it all wrong.

It is not, he said, that Darwin contends we have descended from the apes but that the apes and man are collateral descendants from some common but as yet missing link. I write the above in this journal because it seems relevant to a dream I had and what I awakened to-I awakened again to my helplessness: I awakened to be entwined in the arms of James and Clarissa Quist-Hagen, who were having their will of me, and I was most sensually cooperative-but it is shameful, it is horrible-I cannot go on like this. The boy and the girl are so young-I must be a beast, some monstrous and corrupting influence-but I have never been so obscenely disturbed… This was the dream… I am wandering through a boulder-strewn forest, much like the Cornwall coast, except that the network of trees is so thick that the sunlight is obscured… There is a sort of twilight… My brow is furrowed. I look along the ground and occasionally pick up furze and heather, again typical of the Cornish countryside… Strangely, I feel very powerful and very sensual. I feel myself. I am horrified. I rush through the boulder-strewn forest to a pool of water where I bend and stare at myself. I am hideous. The reflection that stares back at me is that of a giantess of a gorilla with matted red hair and dugs the size of small boulders. A strange female gorilla with red hair all over her except for the small smooth part of the face… I am miserable. I weep. But as I weep a terrible longing overcomes me.

There is a fire under the matted red hair in the groin… I tumble over backwards-away from the pool of water. I rub my hair-matted fist into my hair-matted groin. I make all kinds of grunts and animal cries. I jump up and down in my burning arousal…

Then, at the foot of a tree, I see something very striking- very young-phenomenal. It is a kind of boy-girl, with skin the color of a muted moon-with the barely formed breasts of a girl and the nipples of a mature female human being. And this creature is holding something between its thighs. I growl. The creature looks up at me. It seems human but what sort of human has the breasts of a girl and-and? Yes, between its thighs is the human male organ, but it is not very large-it seems immature. I jump up and down in impatience-is it possible, I ask myself, to make any kind of conjoining with this creature at the foot of the tree? Is it possible to satisfy this red-hairy itch between my own lower limbs? Because this itch in my “fucking-hole,” as I call it, is driving me out of my sanity. The boy-girl does not seem to be afraid of me… On the contrary, it beckons to me… Wagging my head, I go toward the creature.

Suddenly, the boy-girl produces a silver chain and collar and, still lying there at the foot of the tree, casts the collar over my head and about my neck and loosely holds on to the chain. I shake my head. I growl. I try to remove the chain, but the collar, or noose, has tightened, and it will not come off over my head…

I ask myself, what shall I do? I could easily wrest away the chain from the boy-girl creature, but the silver of the chain delights me. It glitters in the twilight. It is steel, of course, but it feels infinitely soft, and the collar about my neck feels like velvet, but infinitely powerful-I am a captive forever, but an unprotesting one…

I play with the chain now. The boy-girl smiles softly.

I cannot smile. Gorillas cannot smile. God will not let them, and God made certain creatures as gorillas so they could neither smile nor weep… The burning itch between my thighs is still there. In my own strange gorilla way, I look askance at the boy-girl and I put four fingers into my fucking-hole. The boy-girl nods and starts to pull me by the silver chain to it at the foot of the tree. Oh, I pray to God, do not let the boy-girl torment me. That creature is such a slip of a thing, I could molest it so easily… hurt it so easily… kill it so easily… I am there, then, at the foot of the tree.

With the boy-girl of the childlike teats and the big nipples- and that recumbent slim cylinder between its thighs, like a small snake… to pet… to fondle… to kiss… And I feel as if all my flesh under its red matted hair is alive with fireflies, darting here and there… The boy-girl lets go the leash. But I do not run away. I stay… I stare down at the quivering, twitching slim thing between the boy-girl's thighs… Ah, I tell myself, there is the fountain of youth-if I put it in me, or drink it, or bathe in it, I will live forever-and, perhaps, I shall turn beautiful-I will no longer be a gorilla with matted red hair all over me… monstrous…

I will be beautiful, forever… And I fall in love with the boy-girl creature, because it will give me eternal beauty and youth…

Smiling, the boy-girl slides down into a completely supine position… I crouch. I reach down. The backs of my hands are matted with red hair. But not my palms. My palms are smooth, and now they have something between them, a small cylinder, the live flesh shaped like a cylinder between the boy-girl's thighs…

The fireflies are darting in and around and through my matted flesh. My head is burning… The boy-girl's eyes close, an expression of bliss on its face. I fondle this packet of warmth between its thighs. It humps a little. It grows. Longer. But not too long. It is a young thing. Will I kill it if I engulf it with my enormous yoni? I don't know. Instead of crouching now, I squat. Directly over the boy-girl's-dare I say it?-over the boy-girl's cock. Ah. Ah. Cock. That's good for a gorilla, for a beast, for a dirty animal. I am a dirty animal. Always. And now crackling and booming with a fucking-hole lust. I take the boy-girl's cock in one of my palm-smooth hands and guide it into my yoni… I cry from the bliss of it. But there are no tears on my face. I can Only cry in my gorilla-soul because God made our faces so that we could neither cry nor laugh… And the cock is not killed. On the contrary, it is harder than before. And the muscles of my yoni can toss the cock about like something with feathers on it-ah, my fucking-hole has a shuttlecock in it-and the muscles of the yoni strike it first this way, then that-the feathers tickling the walls of my yoni-and it was then that I awoke- I was entwined in my bed with James and Clarissa-and James had four fingers of his hand contracting and expanding within me-and Clarissa's mouth was fastened to one of the nipples of my succulent breasts and sucking… sucking… sucking… I writhed in their arms. I was their plaything… James rolled me over in the bed and, as he glided his fingers into me once again he bent down and nibbled at my buttocks… while Clarissa positioned herself so that my head rested between her thighs and she opened herself up to me… and my tongue slid out to flicker at the folds behind her aperture which she widened for me…

I went mad. I bucked and thrashed. I was all cream and lava and ready once again to erupt… I begged James to he on his back. He consented. Then I squatted above him and introduced his slim prick into me. Clarissa looked glazed and then reached out to revolve my teats, round and round, round and round, so that my torso was dizzy and my hips were in a vertigo… James suddenly arched, and the liquids of his prick spurted within me… I quickly disengaged and took his lingam into my mouth for the rest of his hot steaming flow while Clarissa lapped at me from behind… In a few minutes I was exhausted and once again lying on my back. I wanted to sleep, but neither James nor Clarissa was willing. They were not finished with sex, and I was their instrument. They knelt over me, kissed me all over my body, lapped at me, sucked at me, palpitated their fingers within me so that it wasn't long before I was ready for them again, all three of us sweating, stinking by now from the body secretions, but not caring about the stink, no, wanting it, burying our noses in it, wallowing-these two children have me wallowing in beastliness- God, look at that girl Clarissa, two years younger than her brother, but the hair on her, the black hair between her thighs drives me mad, I curl my fingers in it, I lave it with my mouth, my spittle, her cunt swollen, as big as mine… and there's a moment when the two of them, James and Clarissa, are between my legs, James with his cock in me and Clarissa with her fingers beside her brother's prick… That was the climax. It was not long after that they slipped out of my chambers… I cannot go on in this fashion. My inherent lust now has me a sexual slavey to two children. I have gone through this so many times with my contemporaries, with men and women older than I; with men and women of my years. But now, to have descended to the ultimate depravity of carnal knowledge with children-I've gone too far. I must be punished. If James and Clarissa were not corrupted before I came on the scene, I certainly must have provided the completing strokes. There is no other conclusion to be drawn: I am an animal, I am a beast of the field-and I do not belong with the human species. It is possible I do not belong with any species… The above was the last entry in Angela Cleves' journal. I trust her soul, or whatever substance it is in us that may make us unique, is somewhere at rest, and that it is convinced it once belonged to the “human species.” As for the validity of Cleves' other conclusions, in all fairness I believe that should be left to the reader.

6

Season followed upon season in the normal course of things after the strange disappearance of Angela Cleves, and then there was that first summer upon us when James and I found ourselves suddenly apart. My brother was seventeen-he had matriculated at Oxford and had elected to stay the summer in London, with occasional brief excursions to the Continent. He had rooms near Clement's Inn, from which one could glimpse St. Paul's-I had been up to his rooms just before the annual summer return to Quistern House, and I had thought it all terribly exciting. My elegant brother, the Honorable James Quist-Hagen, quite fitted his rooms, and James had seen to it that they lacked nothing. Of course, in this he had had the assistance of our father, who had settled a handsome yearly stipend on him. I was, naturally enough,, somewhat hurt that James preferred the fleshpots of London and the exotic attractions of the Continent to his sister and Cornwall for the summer, but I quite understood-he was getting on to be rather a man, and the prospect of spending a comparatively sober season with his sister and parents in Quistern House surely went against his developing grain. Had I been a man, I would undoubtedly have behaved precisely like James. Besides-and this surely must have been crucial-since the shocking disappearance of Angela Cleves, James and I had eschewed all manifestations of sex between us. I had no doubt that my brother had been satisfying himself in London, hut I had been forced to be comparatively celibate. At fifteen this celibacy had become most oppressive to a young lady who technically had remained a virgin, and for whom masturbation had become increasingly unattractive. I was, in short, the rumbling volcano ready to explode. But explode with whom? The answer was directly before me, of course-practically under my very nose.

The answer was-Oliver Harwell. This would be Harwell's last year of tutoring me-the following spring he would be finished. And now-now was his last summer with the Quist-Hagens. And he had never looked more attractive. His curly, lustrous grayish-brown hair was echoed in a most virile manner in his short but dense chestnut-colored beard that framed an open, rather squarish face. His gentle eyes were never of a more melting brown. And as for his size-that had always been impressive. Harwell was burly without being gross, barrel-chested without being bearish, big without being gauche-he had always moved with the most masculine grace. He had, of course, as I believe I have implied elsewhere, at all times comported himself with unassailable propriety and had seemed to me, as I think I have remarked, hopeless as a prospective male predator. That one time I had bared my lower limbs to him in the coach-and-four-the reader may recall I had been erotically drawn to him-had turned out to be quite unsatisfactory. So that it might well be asked why I thought there was any possibility that my libidinous needs-and, indeed, the termination of my virginity-might be taken on by Oliver Harwell? Why did I think that the imminent eruption of my sexual volcano could be served by such as Harwell? Why did I believe that that phenomenal bulge of his “basket” at his groin could either be inflated or deflated by Clarissa Quist-Hagen? that the answer to my erotic tension was under my very nose-in Oliver Harwell? What, in short, was I counting on?

Two things. The first was that I had turned heads sharply when I had visited my brother in his flat near Clement's Inn- but I had already established in my mirror that I had reached the first showing of my beauty. Aside from my mother, my milky skin had no equal. No emeralds could compare with the depth of green my eyes had. No stygian night could offer the purest, glossiest black with which my ebon tresses glowed. As for my breasts, they were large, saucy and with dark areolae; their exceptionally protrusive nipples, because the shape of the breasts tended toward the oblique, were pointed on the bias. My waist was easily spannable by a modest male hand, and my hips were a sudden bloom that tapered off into succulent thigh, muscular but shapely calf, the slimmest ankles and the most delicate feet. I was never at a loss for virile attention from the eligible males at the several balls my mother and father had now taken me to, but none of the raffish young blades I met on these occasions struck my fancy-but they did, by their foci, corroborate the manifestations of my beauty, and my beauty, therefore, must be bound to have an effect on Oliver Harwell. The second thing I counted on that would move Harwell to provide the ultimate embrace was my propinquity to my tutor without the intrusion of James. (I must at this point explain to the reader that my brother had never constituted an “intrusion” as far as I was concerned, but that he might well have been for Harwell; we would, in any case, soon see. The reader must also understand that I much rather would have had my brother James present in Cornwall than anyone else, Harwell not excepted. James and I had gone through our childhood together, and for this there was no substitute. I both loved and respected James, and envied him his total abandonment to living with such flair that still my heart, so many years later, now, aches for him as it never ached for my mother and father or, indeed, anyone else, with the possible exception of Hugh Kinsteares, a kind of shy counterpart of my handsome brother; but more of Kinsteares at a later date…eh?) Yes, I believed my nearness to Harwell, without anyone else in the conservatory where he instructed me, would in not too long a time precipitate him toward me. I would be able to do things to Harwell I had never conceived of doing when James was there-mainly out of deference to my oldest brother who was my docent everywhere…

So I thought. But time passed, and Harwell made not the slightest overture. I was becoming quite disgusted. Quistern House had a score of summer guests, with and without titles. Some of the men seemed quite prepossessing, and my mother, sweet lady, would bid me be forward. “It's very curious,” she said, “I've never known you to be shy.” I shrugged and held my tongue. My mother went on. “Several of the men have made quite proper inquiries about you, Clarissa. The Earl of Merlin-Chase, for example. And he has wondered why you have broken off conversations with him quite abruptly. Is there some pressing reason for your forwardness, Clarissa?” Yes, Harwell, Oliver Harwell, I said silently. “I can't imagine what it might be,” I told my mother earnestly.

“Really?” she said. She regarded me momentarily with a frigid eye. “I shall have to speak to your father about your social backwardness, Clarissa. After all, you are fifteen, and it's time we seriously contemplated your marital prospects.” “Yes, Mother.”

At which she regally swept from the room. But, unwittingly, she had given me an idea. Is there some pressing reason… The less-than-casual observer by this stage must of course have the question on his mind as to the true nature of my desire for Oliver Harwell. What made my need so sharp for him? I had become obsessed with him. More properly-as he examined me at length on the “dark” side of Shakespeare-I had become aware of my obsession with Oliver Harwell's size. He was, surely, the largest and most massive man I had ever encountered-but he was both majestic and gentle. His enormous hands could have choked the life out of me in a matter of moments. And when I pictured the dimensions of his genital equipment, I very nearly swooned… The probable size of them… Their filling power… They would-or, rather, a single element of them would-penetrate my velvety fossa beyond my wildest imaginings.

And I could play with them, depending of course on Harwell's sustaining power… I envisaged what must be, I thought, this Brobdingnagian center piece; and beneath it the great spheres of the spermatic function-they should be able to spurt practically endlessly… My face blushed furiously. I flung back the light bedcovers and explored myself-I was sleeping au naturel. I pincered one of my nipples and then descended directly to the pit that had an oily moistness. I parted the cleft and resolutely seized the minuscule phallus of the female-it was congested with the intensest of pleasure in a matter of moments; but I wasn't going to keep this up for hours-both Harwell and his pupil were due in the conservatory early the following morning. We were about to analyze the nature of the Revolutionary War the United States had initiated, with special reference to our-Britain's-bungling the matter. So, recognizing that I would need rest in view of the forthcoming sociological dissection, and in view, too, of a simple plan I had propounded to hook the so-far unassailable Oliver Harwell, I whipped up the cream at a furious pace between my thighs and crested in a warm viscid orgasm that I proceeded to smear on the inner surface of my thighs and on my black crotch hair. Part of the plan was not to take a bath until the following night, and to wear as little clothing as possible. I was ready…

The following morning was a glorious one in Cornwall.

There was a bracing sea breeze. I opened the mullioned windows of the conservatory and cooled, I hoped, my burning brow-I wanted to take Oliver Harwell completely by surprise. The sky was the serenest blue except, far out on the horizon at sea, for a hint of black cloud.

It was, possibly, a thundercloud, but I amateurly predicted that a storm would not ensue until well along in the evening. And I made a wager with myself that Mr. Harwell would be building a fire by that time. “Good morning, My Lady,” Oliver Harwell said, closing the conservatory door behind him. “Miss Quist-Hagen will do,” I said tartly. “I trust,” he said, “I am not overly tardy, Miss Quist-Hagen?” I glanced at the massive clock affixed to the wall.

“Not by a jot,” I said. He rubbed his massive hands together-I could imagine their chafing my breasts-and I nearly fainted there and then. “Excellent, excellent,” Harwell said jovially. “I think we ought to begin-” he was avoiding my eye and the fact that I had dressed as scantily as possible-“with a discussion of the economic aspects of the Revolutionary War. Have you read Malcolm Coyle on the matter?” “Yes, Mr. Harwell. There is little else to do in Cornwall in the summer. How does a virile fellow like you tolerate summers in Cornwall without a mistress or the like?” “I believe somewhere along the course of the years I've been teaching your brother and yourself I've mentioned I've been working on a tome of a book. It is an esthetic which I hope will be able to account, not only for our literature but for the world at large, for the Tolstoy and Dostoyevsky translations presently appearing.” “So your manuscript,” I said, “is the substitute for venery.” For the first time that morning, Harwell met my eye squarely. “If I may say so, Miss Quist-Hagen, I rather think you're being unnecessarily harsh…” I noticed my tutor beginning to sweat, if only because patches of sweat began to appear on my light costume. He was clenching and unclenching his great hands-I'd never seen Harwell do that at all.

Nor had I ever seen the man sweat before. And he rather nervously, I thought, kept running his fingers through his beard. I wondered what the beard would feel like next to my skin, and how I would direct Oliver Harwell once I had him at my mercy. Not in the least curiously, he was now sniffing the air like a bird dog. “It does seem a bit stuffy in here, doesn't it?” he said. “Extremely. That's why I opened the window. But the breeze doesn't seem to dispel certain strange odors. Tell me, Mr. Harwell, how frequently do you bathe?”

“I consider, Miss Quist-Hagen, that that question ventures on matters of privacy I refuse to discuss.” “Ah, what a shame that my morality differs from yours. I haven't taken a bath for some three days.” I crossed to where he was standing, my black hair falling over one eye and my hips outthrust. I grinned broadly and, in the most vulgar manner possible, I raised one of my arms. Harwell managed a sickly grin. “Smell,” I said. “My Lady, I wouldn't dream of-”

“Rubbish,” I said. “If nothing else, you might dream of my armpit's output.” “I assure you,” he said, his face now pale, “that my conscious mind would reject such an odious consequence.”

“You don't care for my armpit, Mr. Harwell?” The big man squirmed. Big men usually don't, but I did have Harwell at a disadvantage and, furthermore, I did stink. However it was a stink that should have been sexually provocative and, evidently, it had had no impact of that kind at all upon the tutor. There was an acute strain in his voice when he answered. “Miss Quist-Hagen, I was hired by your father, the Marquis, to instruct you in certain disciplines, and that is all I can manage, for various reasons you need not be privy to. And, if you persist in this kind of behavior, it would be folly of me not to advise your father.” “Oh, la!” said I.

“There's a Revolutionary War going on.” “Miss Quist-Hagen, restrain yourself, please. That war was fought in the eighteenth century. We are now, at this instant, dealing with the Americans, the economic motivations behind the Constitution and-” “Mr. Harwell,”

I said in suddenly hollow tones. “What is it, Miss Quist-Hagen?”

He was suddenly at my side. I was swaying. I knew what was the matter. I'd been hoist by my own petard-my own body odors had proved to be too much for me to take without accompanying sexual play. I fainted. When I awoke, there was brandy at my lips. “Please swallow some,” my tutor said firmly. I swallowed some. The flames in my vitals rose higher. I lifted my head-I saw I was at one end of the long sofa. Mr. Harwell had suddenly moved to its middle. Good, I thought. Very good. “I hope,” I said, “you haven't called a physician.” “There was nothing,” he said, “that I couldn't handle. I went all through medical school, you know, and then gave it all up at the last moment for teaching and writing.” He sat on the sofa with one leg crossed over the other at the ankle. His basket, insofar as a target locus was concerned, had not discernibly faded or amplified. I was within touching distance, if I used my foot. As it was, both my feet were upon the sofa. His open squarish face with its utterly gentle brown eyes, now full of compassion, stimulated me as few others have. I would soon be nestling, I thought, against a vast, hairy torso. So, little by little, I extended one of my shoeless feet as if my idea were leisurely to rest that foot on Harwell's thigh.

Well, I did rest it there, momentarily. “Are you feeling better, My Lady?” “I will, Oliver, if you call me Clarissa.” And it was at that instant that I lightly jabbed with my foot to touch that mass of ruddy anatomy between Harwell's thighs -and at that moment upthrust against his tight pants was the clear outline of what appeared to be indeed a mighty cylinder. Harwell flung himself against the sofa's back, and a wide stain appeared on his trousers. He gasped, shook his head, arose and then knelt on the floor before me in an attitude of pure supplication. I was intensely excited-I kept gazing at Harwell's monumental column beating against the man's tight trousers, throbbing, the stain became wider and wider as Harwell had no choice but to ejaculate, if only because I myself had swung down my feet and continued to jab at his cannon, prodding it to more extensive liquid diffusions. All during this time Harwell was asking my forgiveness, fervently, on his knees, averring that he had entertained a passion for me for many years and had not sullied himself with other women at all-indeed, had not even indulged in self-pollution as he called it, to the extent that he had suffered a long time from nocturnal emissions. What had held him back from expressing this immortal love had been my brother James, of course. But even if James had not been present, Harwell went on, he would have been deterred by the Victorian attitude toward sex, fraught with prohibition and quite capable of criminal proceedings against a man avowing his love to a girl of ten. Even to a girl of fifteen it was- “Oh, shut up, Oliver!” I interrupted sharply. “And for God's sake I've had enough of your kneeling posture-please get up.” Bewilderedly, Oliver Harwell arose. I felt far from calm, but I was Clarissa Quist-Hagen, the daughter of a Marquis, who has all things under control-even men! “We will take a turn,” I said to the man whose height and girth was at least two-and-a-half times mine, “in the maze, and from there we can slip away unobserved. Besides, hardly anybody is about at this time of the morning. The guests are all asleep. Only our cook, Mrs. Lingelhoffe, must be awake, and a grumbling Wittling. The rest of the staff is just rising. We shan't encounter a soul if we go down the front stairs. In any case, we go to the maze and, when we leave there, we shall be in the clear. Do you make me out, Oliver?”

He had not a moment's hesitation. “All the way and let the odds be damned,” he said. Smiling now, he put a hand on my arm. “Clarissa, does our difference in station-in social status- affect you at all?”

“Absolutely not,” I said. I had lied, of course. Oliver Harwell's social station was far inferior to mine, and I was under no illusions that I should be happy to exchange mine for his, either in marriage or by virtue of an affair. One does not lightly give up one's genealogy. He kissed me. He took me in his arms and kissed me.

It was magnificent, but I had to tear it in half. It was not enough for me to experience Harwell's body, clothed, next to mine, clothed. And it was far less than enough to feel through the material of his trousers a lingam-oh, those Hindus had words for it!-whose phenomenal measurements were at their zenith. “To the maze, my dear Harwell-to the maze!” We tarried in the maze long enough to exchange another kiss and for me to feel against my belly his monumental cannon. I put my hand down and I could feel the extensiveness and breadth of his artillery through the wet cloth of his trousers. My knees buckled momentarily and Harwell braced me up, taking the opportunity to tuck his hand under my skirt and to acquaint himself with the oily wetness there. Savage bolts of desire shook me from head to toe. “We don't have far to go, my sweet Oliver,” I whispered. “Give me up for the moment and let me guide you…”

“Of course, Clarissa,” he murmured. It was perhaps ten minutes' walking time by the path which led along the slate cliffs that bent their dark hoods over the Atlantic-and then we had reached Gunnels Cove. Another path, this one overgrown with underbrush, led down to the abandoned fisherman's hut which James and I had refurbished. To the south, beyond the cove, the combers of the Atlantic crashed against the cruel, boulder-strewn coast of Cornwall.

From the hut we could hear the sounds of the boiling surf, but the waters beyond the hut in the cove were calm and clear… Once inside the seclusion of the hut, I turned ferociously to Harwell. My eyes were glazed, I knew, my mouth loose, with spittle forming at its corners. Harwell's usually gentle face was itself stiff with lust.

“Just let me get my mouth around it for a few moments, Oliver, and then I'll undress for you.” He nodded and fumbled with his trousers and then at last let them slip down about his ankles. I was so shattered with passion that I was unable to wait until he had stepped out of his trousers. I had dropped to my knees. I was trembling violently. I remember how the sun was pouring in through the window to one side, illumining the colossus now on a level with my mouth, and the two mighty spheres beneath-the factory capable of producing geyser after geyser. With a tortured cry-I had been imagining Harwell's cock for a long, long time-I slid my lips over the head of his cannon as far up as they would go and sucked. The cock throbbed with tremendous pulsations and my mouth was filled with sperm. I closed my eyes and swallowed. In a few moments Harwell lifted me up, stepped out of his trousers and started to undress me. I stopped him-I could do the deed much more quickly, and Harwell could be divested of his clothes at about the same time that I was…

“Do you like him, Clarissa?” Harwell asked gently. The “him” was at half-mast at the moment, with a few viscid beads at its tip.

“It would break down the walls of any resistant female,” I said respectfully. “But please remember, Oliver, that I'm still a virgin.”

“I will take the utmost caution.” “No, Oliver, not that.

Virginity has to be taken on a kind of threshold of brutality-you understand?” “I believe so, Clarissa…” I stood before him, then, naked to the pelt. I knew I was magnificent. I smiled slowly at him. He gazed at me for what seemed like endless moments, his eyes traveling in a leisurely fashion from the weightiness and fruitfulness of my biased breasts to the faint creamy bulge of my belly, and thence to the tight curls of my black Mount-of-Venus hair where his eyes lingered… I contemplated Oliver Harwell no less intently and, as I did so, his lingam, which had become relaxedly limp, began its flutterings of elevation. I sighed and asked Harwell to lie down on the rude bed in a corner of the room-to lie down and, for a few moments, make no attempt to touch me-I would do all the touching for a little while. “Of course, Clarissa,” he said, and did as I had bid him. He was indeed a big man, even lying down! He took up most of the space of the bed-we should have to disport in tiers. But what I wanted to do now was to caress his fantastic musculature, his sinews, his flesh-and to that end I sat on the edge of the bed. Nor would I omit Harwell's lingam. In fact, I decided, I would play upon his whole body, neglecting naught. I had no idea of how long I should devote to the caresses-certainly not too much beyond my yoni becoming a grease cup. The first thing I did was to blow a gentle air stream into Oliver's ears. My tutor grunted and gritted his teeth and, lo!- his lingam underwent a further erecting. But I would not depend upon his ears-they were mainly listening devices, touched up at various times to receive gentle air streams, the pleasure at once transmitted in two opposite directions simultaneously-to his brain and to his lingam. My tongue supplemented the air stream and, lo!-another height was gained by Harwell's rod and redeemer. I chuckled.

Harwell chuckled. I heard the roar of the boiling surf south of Gunnels Cove, but in the troughs I could make out the calm, gently lapping water of the cove. The boiling… And the lapping…

I fluttered my fingers over Harwell's bull neck, surprising for a man as tall as he. His throat worked. “Clarissa,” he said.

“Yes?” “You're worth all the long years' wait.” “Of course, Oliver. I'm a beauty.” Harwell was taking the whole circumstance with much too much seriousness, I thought. But what was I doing? Actually, under the guise of my being fond of him, I was presently conducting a kind of clinical testing and observation. If Harwell realized that, then he wasn't demurring. It was possible he felt he must defer to the daughter of a Marquis. Well, if he did, I did not give a good goddamn. All I wanted was to disport with Harwell's flesh and muscle and sinew, quite impersonally-it was there, wasn't it? And that was all that mattered. Harwell's there-ness was quite sufficient to destroy my virginity whether he loved me or hated me or was indifferent to my soul. The next thing I took care of were Harwell's hirsute armpits. They had the same chestnut-colored hair as his head. I tangled my fingers in their tendrils. His cock elevated a little more. I glanced at it.

“Splendid,” I said. “I wish I could take it home with me.”

“I don't believe,” Harwell said softly, breathing shallowly under my ministrations, “that the phallus in our society is accredited as a household deity, whether minor or major. But perhaps among the peasants, among the poor-” “Snob,” I said, interrupting him. I hoisted myself onto the bed and squatted over Harwell. His jaw became very slack. His face screwed up in what seemed like agony. “What's your trouble, Oliver?” I asked as I dangled my teats over his barrel chest. Then I took one of my nipples and rubbed it lightly over one of his. Harwell moaned. “The trouble,” he said, “is that your squinting eye piece down there is winking at me.” “It's my virginity trying to make light out of the whole matter. Bear with it, Oliver-be compassionate; it is the last fold of a girl's flesh that belongs to childhood…” I felt his barrow-like biceps and nodded approvingly-they would squeeze out a good deal of my adolescence. I savored his tough belly, purposely skipped my fingers over his now fully extended and rigid pier, and felt the thews of his thighs…

“Well, My Lady, what is it worth in precious metals?” I toyed with his chest hair and stared at the hoary hangings of fishnet from the ceiling. Curiously, I was getting hungry. The question in my mind, would I first want to satisfy my sexual needs, or would my food hunger establish primacy? And I thought I might as well be candid about that to Harwell. The reaction might be very interesting…

I told Oliver I had no idea of what I might be worth in precious metals, and then I added, “I'm hungry, Oliver.” I said it rather petulantly, realizing under the circumstances I might infuriate poor Harwell. I very rapidly discovered that one did not experiment with Harwell, at least not under these conditions. He reared on one elbow and with one hand seized a teat- belonging to me-and squeezed. I heard a ringing in my ears. Then he twisted the same teat. I screamed and heard a whole variety of musical instruments: cymbals, clashing; piccolos, shrieking; bassoons, piteously bleating; trumpets, sobbing. And they were all Clarissa Quist- Hagen's… I hunched up against the wall. Harwell merely sat up in the bed and towered over me. His expression was one of sardonic concern. “How are your hunger pangs?” “I was jesting, Oliver. And even if I hadn't been-” “Yes?” “A fifteen-year-old girl has appetites.” “Has she?” “Very strong ones,” I said. “Insatiable, possibly?” Harwell said.

“Perhaps.” “Let us see. Lie down, My Lady.” “So?” “Yes.

Now draw up your legs.” I did so. I had a frisson-the man had gotten to be completely in command. He was touching me now. Tenderly.

But I was going mad. I knew there was a white gummy secretion and that Harwell was spreading it evenly. His machine was monstrous once again-like an enormous ruddy log. Suddenly I wanted the whole thing buried in me, like treasure. Where I could lock it up. And constrict it. And loosen it. There was no hunger in my belly now. The hunger had sunk to the juncture of my thighs. The juncture ached. I had to be stuffed full. There was only one man in all of Cornwall who could do that in this instant. Oliver Harwell. I guided him. He would make a permanent passage. Through this concourse would follow all subsequent men. But first he had to tear my hymen asunder. I gritted my teeth. I gritted my thighs. I gritted my heart. I practically gritted my whole body, and then I shouted at Harwell, “Strike while the cunt is hot!” He permitted himself one great bellow of laughter-and then struck. I thought I saw all the nocturnal constellations become inhabitants of the day. I thought I had been lanced all the way up to my heart.

Curiously, even my arse felt sore. Well, I suppose there was a lot of regional sympathy. In any case, I was no longer a virgin.

“All right,” I said grimly, “we wrenched the gate open. Now, Oliver, let's see what you can do with the pump.” All this, mind you, in my impeccable theatrical English which Harwell had patiently instilled in me. “To the hilt!” I cried. “Full tilt ahead!”

Oliver Harwell obeyed. He sank his shaft in me to the roots.

Its roots. To his roots. To mine. I groaned with surprising satisfaction, the groan, I thought, of an archangel. I doubt if any subsequent male ever occupied my space so thoroughly. I believe I was stretched to the limit of my sheath. I told him to hurry.

Otherwise I'd be coming all by myself. I didn't want to be lonesome up on the sublimities, you know. Lonesome. It was becoming lonesome, after all, I realized as Harwell sweatingly pumped away. James was gone. The summer guests were crashing bores. I wanted to get back to London, even during the thoroughly repellant summer season. I was too dependent out here in Cornwall. I had no idea what Harwell would do next-in the long run. In the short run I quite knew what Harwell was about to do. There was frenzy on his face. He wanted to get rid of that. And the only way to do it now-get rid of the frenzy now-was to increase the pace of his pumping. What he would do a few days hence, I had no idea, and thus I was dependent on him to that extent. Such thoughts be damned-I owed my tutor my closest attention… Really. Because Harwell was astonishing. I had hoped for that-from the man who eliminated my virginity. Harwell had not only eliminated it; he had uprooted it and was presently replanting it with his own stake. The pleasure therefrom was like a series of interlocking rings -and I could have sworn they were making a kind of silver music. I suddenly arched against Harwell. My entire genitourinary complex felt as though it must disattach itself and go flying off somewhere. It did disattach itself at last, I was convinced. And now it was flying. The rest of my body followed the genitourinary system-the whole of me was flying. Harwell's lingam and my yoni-clasped and sailing through the heavens on the peaks of endless fountains… Had I known that fucking would be of such a sublime order, I would have permitted my brother entry long long ago.

In the early years. Not now. It was too late, now. If James and I had a sexual relationship now, it would be too terribly serious. I felt a passing sadness about my brother-even as Harwell was ploughing me stem to stern. Females are like that, you know. In moments of the most intense rapture the female can quite clearly think of the lamb en brochette she will prepare for the evening meal. I was at one with Oliver Harwell, and thrust my swollen teats and nipples up at him so that he might feast and I enjoy his feasting-the while I entertained my passing sadness for James. Elegant, green-eyed James, a wizard at finding the honey of life even at its most commonplace. Now: requiescat in pace -I shall miss him to the day I die… But there was Harwell's mighty prong. He was gliding in and out of me with such rapidity that I thought this is what it might be like to have a dog mount one. I thought of a dog mounting me and I went absolutely berserk. I whipped my hips around like a dervish. How much more of a dervish I might have been had I been able to foresee the future and Sir Lawrence Terstyke and the matter of his hounds… No matter.

At the moment I was with Harwell. Then, somehow, reaching once again the peak of Mount Ovary, so to speak, where Harwell had plunged his sword, I was alone and yet not alone. I heard the furious surf of the Atlantic, and the gentle lappings of the waters in Gunnels Cove.

How absolutely magical it was, I thought, to be fifteen, and beautiful, and consentingly ravished of one's virginity… As my passions for the time being receded, I received from Harwell the cup that runneth over-as if from some fantastically turgid hose that, posted in periods, lashed my bottomless organs with the vibrations of a creamy fury… He breathed stertorously and lay heavily upon me between my legs. Constricting my vaginal walls, I made the last of his life stuff ooze forth. Harwell sighed. Then he was noble, positively noble. “My Lady,” he said, propping himself up on an elbow, his gentle brown eyes twinkling in that marvellously open, squarish face. “Yes, Oliver?” “The truth, Clarissa.”

“Ever,” said I. “Are your appetites assuagable?” “Not one by the other, Oliver. Just as one appetite is not famished by another, so one may not be appeased by another. Each of my appetites is free and clear.” My green eyes played over him roguishly. “What did you really want to know?” “Are you still hungry, Clarissa?”

I gazed at the huge, hulking mass of the man. “Keenly,” I said. “If I may be so indelicate, Mr. Harwell, the dismissal of my virginity has created a bottomless hole.” He blushed. I laughed. It amused me to see him ruddy all over. “I meant another sort of hunger, Clarissa. Such as the one for meat.” “Precisely.

For meat. Would you like to see me bare the teeth of my vagina?

Because that, my dear man, is the way the female castrates the male.”

“Oh,” he said. “I'd no idea.” “I didn't think you had,” I said. “I think a woman trying to castrate you might well choke herself to death. I don't think I'll try-I'm far too young to die.” “I'm pleased.” “Will you be displeased if I return to Quistern House to consume some eggs and beef? You may accompany me if you wish.”

“Thank you, My Lady, but I think I'll muse the time away by waiting for you here. You will return?” “Oh, you may depend upon it, Oliver. You have shot me down. Consider me a trophy…”

Fortunately, I encountered neither my father nor my mother. They were being terribly civil to their guests by insisting upon showing them the countryside-the bleak bare valleys, the small rivers, the moorland, the furze and the heather. So, condescending bitch that I am, I played American by dropping into the kitchen and lunching with Mrs. Manyjohn, our housekeeper, and Wittling, our butler. After making them both quite uncomfortable-while I gluttonously devoured the provender-I had Mrs. Lingelhoffe, our cook, prepare an extra repast to put in a basket. I told her I was going for a considerable stroll along the shoreline, and that undoubtedly I would become ravenous.

I thought, of course, that Harwell would be terribly grateful.

He wasn't-he was rather human! “Is this how you intend to keep me in good working condition?” he inquired. I closed the door of the hut and faced him. “You had better eat what I brought, Mr.

Harwell, or I may very well throw it at you.” The massive man took me by the shoulders and kissed me. Christ, I thought, even this man's tongue trembles like a cock. I took his hand and laid it on my crotch. “It exudes both heat and moisture,” I murmured. “You had better eat quickly, Harwell.” The arrogant bastard ate slowly.

I tried to hurry him up by masturbating in front of him, even as he chewed upon a leg of chicken. He was relatively unmoved.

“Good show,” he said. I slapped his face. He put down the chicken, flung me over his knee and slapped my bare buttocks. I cursed him and farted in his eyes and he dumped me on the earthen floor of the hut. “Faugh,” said he. But he nevertheless finished the meal I had brought. And I had thought no man would ever recover from the ignominy of one of my farts. Harwell certainly was the exception. I became quite annoyed with him. I felt, due to our intimacy, that I had the right. I acted quite the bitch-I kept farting. He made no comment until he had done with eating. Then he again put me on his knee and rapped my arse. “Do you imagine,” he said, “that because you're of nobility you've the right to make a stench wherever and whenever you please?” He let me up and I flung off all my clothes and I stood there before him, my arms akimbo, my teats swinging, my nipples hardening. “I don't believe, Harwell, that I have to justify my actions to a mere teacher. You're damned fortunate we don't live in Tudor times or I think I'd have your head.” I grinned. “Instead, Harwell, I'll have your prick.” Before he could stop me-if, indeed, he really wanted to-I got my hand inside his trousers and around his bassoon and I jerked at it fiercely as I smiled crookedly, wantonly, shamelessly. His arms fell to his sides. I kept jerking. He started to say something but no words would come. His jaw worked and there was utter silence.

Then I laughed at him and kept jerking. He tried to pull away. I tightened my grasp and I pulled at his bullness with even greater vigor. Harwell paled. He shook his head. He staggered backwards. I kept with him. He crumpled onto the bed. I sat beside him and worked that thing of his. My tutor breathed shallowly. I took it in both hands. He groaned. He shook his head. I suddenly stopped jerking and his jaw went slack and I ran a finger lightly from the tip of his cock to the base and Harwell whimpered and the cream in his massive balls spurted forth through his tremendous nozzle and then I seized it again and oscillated its skin back and forth, back and forth as the cream shot at my teats and ran down my belly till I was all slippery with it and then I gently, very gently, lapped at his shrinking nozzle till it once again regained rigidity and, grinning blissfully, I hovered over it with my cunt and, moaning sweetly in my best coloratura, I engorged Harwell's frigger by sitting down upon it. My sensations traveled up my spine to my brain where they exploded. I half-closed my eyes. I was all vertical.

Harwell's fairly vertical frigger pointed everything up and down in me. It was a unique experience-vertical passion, and one accompanied by a feeling of intense superiority. I smiled condescendingly as I used Harwell. I was the queen and he the subject- and I rode him up and down. Rather like a steeplechase, I thought. His head moved from side to side-ah, I muttered to myself, he is completely will-less now, the colossus has awarded his plumbing piece all of his power, and it is all concentrated there now-and I have that power in my vaginal grip. I will put him through the paces, I told myself. To that end, I temporarily called a halt to my vertical admonitions-Harwell's shaft remained entirely enclosed. “Why do you stop?” my tutor asked. He raised a hand and pulled at one of my nipples. I slapped his hand away-and he was too much at the mercy of passion to make a contest of it. “You have enough of me without my teats,” I said.

“As for stopping, I want to prolong my sense of power-” “Bitch,” he said, swinging his body from side to side, attempting to uncouple.

But I was having none. I seized his shoulders and hung on. It turned out that he had overestimated his own powers of control. As he struggled and as I continued to enclose him, the friction on his pier proved to be too much to tolerate-because, suddenly, he breathed very noisily and arched his body. I was flooded. I felt his nozzle recede. I said nothing-I was frustrated and depressed and I made no attempt to conceal my feelings. Harwell embraced me tenderly-he knew what the trouble was and he hastened to rectify matters. He turned and, on his knees, showed me his arse. I was puzzled-surely he did not intend to lave my detritus. But my impression was radically altered in the moments that followed. His head and tongue sank between my legs and he went beyond that step to nibble at my yoni's buried treasure, so to speak, that small mass of tissue that responds wildly to the touch. After Harwell nibbled, he sucked. And, since I'd already been on the high plateau, it took me a very short while to attain the mountaintop. I did attain it, shoving my yoni at Harwell and sinking my own fingernails into my nipples. I screamed from ecstasy and locked my legs around Harwell's neck. He continued to suck and I kept on having climaxes. I counted five and then my thighs fell away from Harwell's neck -I was exhausted… He rose from my depths and, wordlessly, I wiped his face with a towel. He smiled, but there was something strange to it, something terribly sad. I asked him what the matter was.

He denied anything was the matter. On the contrary, he added, never had he known such physical bliss as he had had with Clarissa. We would have another go at it, he said, as soon as he could get his animal working again. His animal, I noted, was fairly shriveled.

But that was not what was concerning me. It was the sad look he had given me as he had surveyed my body from head to toe-as though he had wanted to engrave one final image of my body on his consciousness.

But I stopped thinking of that as a validity when-it was mid-afternoon by then-Harwell began squeezing his “pipe and balls” again. I loved to watch the male of the species playing with itself, handling its organ. And I loved to watch dogs in heat, the way their scarlet cocks slid in and out of that hairy protective piece of theirs-slid in and out, scarlet and glistening. Often enough in fantasy, I would take a dog prick in my mouth and make it come, whining and whimpering. And what would it be like, I would think, to be screwed by a dog with its lightning-like thrusts? But Harwell, at the moment, was far more persuasive than fantasy-his organ was fully erect. I've forgotten, now, how many times Harwell and I had sex that day, but that time was filled with it as we intermittently heard the lapping of the cove's waters and, more distantly, the smashing of the Atlantic at Cornwall's boulders. Finally-it was getting toward dusk-we mutually agreed that we had had our fill and that we'd best be getting back to Quistern House, or we would be missed. Harwell held me in his arms. “A few more minutes,” he whispered.

“All right,” I said. In the dimming light there was something quite romantic to the fisherman's hut-the nets, the hurricane lamps, and even the porthole windows the builder, once a seaman himself, probably, had affected. “You like the place, Oliver?” “Very much,” he said. Impulsively I said, “It's yours if you want it. Take it.” “Thank you, Clarissa. You're much too generous-” “I'm rarely generous. You know that. But I'd like you to have this hut-to work in, live in, as long as you like. Nobody will disturb you.” But Harwell very graciously declined, pleading that it was too far from London. I agreed with him about that. Still, even so, I had misgivings at that point I had the feeling that something dreadful was about to happen. “Please hold me tight, Oliver.” “Of course.” “There's something awful that's going to happen to me,” I said. “Nonsense,” Harwell said. “Anyway, both good and bad things happen to everybody in their measure. And the happening is unpredictable.” I rubbed my cheek against Harwell's.

“If,” I said, “Darwin can sort of predict backward, and account for all species, even insects, why can't he predict frontward and describe what species will be, or won't be?” “Why can't he, indeed?”

Harwell said. “A perfectly sensible question, Clarissa.” He regarded me glowingly, possessively. I liked the look of possessiveness, which made me feel infinitely better. He added, “Why don't you do a paper on it, Clarissa? You're quite capable, you know. It's too bad you can't go on to Oxford or Cambridge.” “Father wouldn't hear of it, even if it were possible.” “He believes in the superiority of the male, I suppose,” Harwell said. “Not so much the superiority,” I said, “as the gulf between the sexes, bridged only by coition and that only transitorily. What do you believe, Oliver?” He took his arms away from me to light his pipe. He smoked for a moment or so and then said, frowning, “I will tell this to you, Clarissa, that I've told to no other living soul. Please keep it entrenous.” “You have my word, Oliver.” “You asked me what I believe in, Clarissa. I'm afraid the answer is-in nothing.” I looked at him in astonishment. “Nothing?” I echoed. “Nothing,” he said dourly, puffing slowly at his pipe, his brown eyes hooded. Again I felt an awful dread. I asked myself what, indeed, I was to believe in if this quite superior man-who was a master of the English tongue, of the Greek, Latin, German and French tongues, who was equally at home with the Principia of Newton as he was with the religious sonnets of Donne-believed in nothing? Although the air was warm, I felt chilled and depressed. “We ought to be getting back,” I said.

“Have I offended you in some way?” “No, no, Oliver. It's just that I'm fifteen-very advanced, I know, beyond my years-and yet shaky.” “All of adolescence is shaky,” he said. “I remember my own.” “Yes,” I said abstractedly as we dressed. I looked around the little hut as if for the last time. I even glanced out of one of the porthole windows at the cove. In a sense I contented myself with the thought that the waters of Gunnels Cove would remain calm long after Oliver Harwell, long after my mother and father, and long after my brother and myself. It would take me, now, at least half an hour to traverse the path to the cove from Quistern House to see if the waters were indeed still calm. Well, that is too much of a journey for an old lady who is temporarily out of lovers. I'll defer the trip until I have myself a man. Which shan't be too much of a wait for the Marchioness of Portferrans… eh? Incidentally, no storm had broken, either above Quistern House or Gunnels Cove.

Part Two

7

The following morning when I was due in the conservatory, my father intercepted me at the door to his booklined study. “But I'll be late for my lesson, Father, and Mr. Harwell will not approve.”

I was absolutely amazed that the Marquis was up at this hour. But he blinked not an eye. “I daresay, Clarissa, that he will neither approve nor disapprove. Now do you come into my study, daughter-your mother awaits you there as well.” Oh my God, I thought, a council of war. And what of Oliver Harwell? Why hadn't he been included? “Good morning, Mother,” I said dutifully. I felt somewhat faint, especially with respect to Harwell. I told my noble parents that I felt faint, but not on account of Harwell. At any rate, my father gave me brandy and I swallowed enough of it to cause my mother to raise both eyebrows. “Do you have a morning sickness?” she asked as I wove an unsteady course to one of the leather armchairs. “Are you suggesting that I'm pregnant, Mother?” “Clarissa!” my father said, “must you be so blunt?” “In some of our father-to-daughter conversations,” I said, “you have stressed the idea of candor.”

“Really, Mathew,” my mother said. “You know how children take things literally. How could you in this vale of tears stress the practice of candor?” “This is very much apart from the issue, Louisa,” my father said. “Oblige me by treating first things first.”

“Yes, Mathew,” she said meekly. Meekly for the moment-I knew my mother. The Marquis of Portferrans turned directly to me. “I'm afraid I'll have to be brutally candid about Oliver Harwell.” I walked over to the small table where the brandy and other alcoholic beverages were, and I poured myself another brandy. At which my mother's jaw seemed positively to loosen and become unhinged from the rest of her face. The Marquis, on the other hand, retained his aplomb as I drank a half tumbler of brandy. “Are you ready, Clarissa?” he asked kindly. “Oh, quite.” “Mr. Harwell has precipitately left.” “Precipitately, eh?” I said. “Oh.” “He had a major reason for doing so,” Mathew Quist-Hagen said, Louisa Quist-Hagen gazing narrowly at me. She had a marvelous penchant for gazing narrowly. She should have been trained to ride racing horses.

“Did he?” I said casually, my pulse sprinting like a favored filly. “He said, Mr. Harwell did, that he could not go on to tutor so beautiful a girl without becoming personally involved.”

“Oh, la,” said I. “Is that how he put it?” “Yes,” my father said. “I should think that quite flattering. But it does raise certain problems, Clarissa-such as marriage.” “Mathew,” Louisa said.

“Yes, beloved?” “Marriage is not a problem,” Louisa said.

“Quite so,” Mathew said. “The motion is tabled.” “You are not,” my mother said, “in the House of Lords.” “I am in the house,” my father said, “of women.” He said that sotto voce. It sounded as if my father were slipping a little in his regard for the female. It was obvious, too, that he had got a little weary of the games nature has us play. The odd thing about nature, my dear reader, is that if you don't play her obvious game-that of the male running about and dropping his seed indiscriminately-you play her subtle game, the male dropping his seed indiscriminately, the latter one of the most illusory of games because you drop your seed not so much selectively as habitually, in accordance with your status backdrop.

In any case, my mother said, “What did you say?” “I said, Karl Marx be damned.” “Oh,” my mother said. “I am always very suspicious of men afflicted by carbuncles-such men regard whirlwinds with great respect, since God is purported to speak from them. In any case, I detest stories in which the divinity breaks wind with a mortal-God comes off smelling like a rose while the mortal stinks to high heaven.” “Louisa,” my father said, “you are most eloquent this morning, but we seem to be straying from the major issue. We have a beautiful daughter-” “Cheers,” I said. “… who must be made more accessible than she is at present. She must have, too, a larger selection of men to choose from.” “Cheers,” I said.

“When we return to London,” my father said, “we shall have to start bringing her out and readying her for the jaws of marriage.”

I chortled. “Joys of marriage,” I said. “Damme,” said my father, snapping his fingers. “If there's anything I abhor making it's a pre-Freudian slip. I do hope that chap stays in Vienna. It's all a bit much, what with Darwin shaking us to our roots, and now this Austrian Jew has us all shaking our heads. Well, no matter.” He scratched himself under his armpits. He turned to me. “Clarissa, I'm not in the least interested in forcing you into the matrimonial state, but I do think the connubial couch would be a stabilizing factor.”

“I take that to mean,” I said, “that you think me unstable.”

“No, no,” the Marquis said. “Only that beauty can be quite unsettling. For instance, I stabilized your mother. Isn't that so, Louisa?” My mother stretched lazily, catlike, and smiled sensually. I was astonished. I had never seen her so mentally uncorseted, except for that time when, as a child, I had seen her in active coition. “I have never wanted or needed any other man,” said the Marchioness of Portferrans, “since I married your father, Clarissa.” “You gave up your manliness,” I said strangely.

“What does that mean, Clarissa?” she asked. “Well, I'm not sure myself. But I think it has to do with a female falling in love.

If she does fall in love, the rest of the world means absolutely nothing. The acropolis is in her living-room, and the primitive ceremonies of the savage natives take place in her bedroom. If the female doesn't fall in love, she can go out and explore the rest of the world without prejudice. A woman in love has reduced or completely eliminated any male elements within herself.” My mother smiled and turned to the Marquis. “We do have a most knowing daughter, do we not?” she said fondly. “Yes,” my father said. “I wish James were so deep.” “He is, Father,” I said. “But he never lets on. He thinks that depth is threatening to most people, and he has no wish to frighten anyone.” “All of which,” my father said, “deviates from the subject at hand-Clarissa. On our return to London, daughter, will you object to our bringing you out?” “I think not, Father. I'm not averse to falling in love…” Nor did I prove averse to the possibility. For the next two years my mother and father arranged entertainments for me at Hagen House in London, and I attended every ball to which I was invited. I danced all the dances-from the lancers and the polka to the Washington Post and the Sir Roger de Coverley. But though I met young men by the score, I was not smitten. None of them seemed to have the power, on the one hand, of an Oliver Harwell, or, on the other hand, the grace of my brother James, whom I saw now only at long intervals. As far as my simple lusts were concerned, they were assuaged on the most animal level by my mother's personal maid, Albertine Lassez. Albertine's hair was turning gray but she had lost none of her ferretlike vigor-and she was as blond as ever on that plump little deltoid mound formed by the juncture of the thighs. The sexual discharges Albertine afforded might never have occurred had I not been weeping copiously one winter mid-afternoon in my bedroom. The mood had been brought on by sexual frustration and by a vexatiousness of spirit from having found no young man in all of London's aristocracy to suit me. I had forgotten to shut the door completely and my sobs must have carried out to the hallway. In any event, the next thing I knew was that a warm, lightly perfumed body was lying next to mine, and that it was Albertine Lassez's vibrant contralto breathing into my ear, telling me it was pointless at my age-I was now seventeen and at the absolute youthful peak of my beauty-to be so distraught when, at the least, I should have some primitive satisfactions of a lonely winter midafternoon, that I deserved such satisfactions even if they were an homage to my loveliness from a member of the same sex. As she kept whispering these sweetnesses into my ear, she kneaded with the utmost delicacy the succulent hemispheres of my arse. My buttocks heated up and their glow descended to encompass the entire genitourinary complex… So that after a while, when Albertine petitioned me to turn over on my back and helped me do so, I was only too delighted to acquiesce even though all I could see now was the bunching-up of my many petticoats.

I felt something else, however. It was the gentlest kind of roughness at the cleft to the pass that led to the subterranean cave of caves. I muttered something unintelligible and unbuttoned my shirtwaist so that my breasts reared free. They were tumid, and my nipples turgid. I wanted to tell Albertine to wait, that we could both undress and that our respective sensations would be thereby greatly intensified. I wanted to tell her that, but the power of words seemed to have been taken away from me, that all my energy had flowed down into my yoni where it was concentrated to give the most appropriate response. I did find that I was able to move my legs-and Albertine gave a cry when I scissored them. But it was a cry of passion. Her tongue, darting ever more frantically, alternated between clitoris and vagina, and I felt their responses coalesce into a single sensation. It was all quite mechanical but nonetheless satisfying. I knew that all was expected of me was to do similarly to Albertine after she had rocketed me to the acme of the pleasure dome… My mechanical affair with Albertine might have lasted longer than it did had it not been for a ball given by the Duke and Duchess of Postings, my parents' great good friends. I recall dressing for the ball with the utmost indifference. One more wasted evening, I thought, and dutifully complied with protocol. After assisting my mother to step down from the carriage, my father handed me down and in a few moments we were being announced from the brilliantly candlelit foyer.

“The Marquis and Marchioness of Portferrans, and the Lady Clarissa Quist-Hagen.” The Duke and Duchess of Postings, both stout and jovial, greeted us warmly. Finally we proceeded through the press of the guests, many of whom familiarly addressed my mother and father and proved themselves fatuous by being taken aback by my green-eyed, black-haired beauty. But all was not lost, I thought, as long as my father with surpassing dexterity floated champagne-filled glasses from passing trays to our nimble hands and even nimbler throats-and thus we survived the time until the dancing began. I had dispensed with my dancing card, of course. I was being terribly difficult-impossible, really. I declined the prospect of dancing with this titled fop or that one, but I also denied perfectly personable young men-whose tilt of eyebrows I did not approve, whose curl of lip was too pronounced, whose face was altogether too ingenuous, or whose speech was affected far beyond necessity. My father was highly amused by my high-handedness. My mother was outraged-I had expressed this role of mine once too often. She was about to let fly when I waved my hand airily at her-my eye suddenly had become riveted-and excused myself. Standing at one of those floor-to-ceiling windows that led to a balcony overlooking the Postings' garden was a tall blond youth whose merry eye had caught mine. I resolved to reconnoitre him.

But I soon dispensed with reconnaissance. It seemed, suddenly, such a waste of time. If necessary, I would ask my brother about this lad's background, whose contemporary he was. In the meantime it was imperative that I at least learn his name. But he anticipated me.

He moved from the balcony window and intercepted me. Never have I enjoyed interception so much. I could swear it was the youth's merry eye-I had not seen such except for the last time I was with James.

James had always had a merry eye. This youth, this blond, had as much a light-struck elegance as my brother had a dark one. I had the odd sensation that I was being attracted by the light. “Hugh Kinsteares,” he murmured offhandedly, drawing abreast of me. His eyes were the color of the blue sky at twilight. “I suppose you've been told you're ravishing,” he said. I shrugged. I was abruptly bored. I was about to wander off to log another glass of champagne when he added, “But you're not ravishing at all. One profile, at any rate, is a perfect model for a hag, Lady Clarissa-has nobody given you intelligence to that effect?” I stared at Hugh Kinsteares. “Nobody,” I said. “I am the first?” I nodded gloomily. I had known my profiles the first day I could observe myself in a full-length three-panel mirror. I knew one profile was, to put it mildly, mouldy. “Beauty,” my father had said, “will always have one element or phase that is positively repellant.” Yes, I said to myself, and this Kinsteares had observed it. The bastard had already earned my respect. “Does the fact that I'm the first to observe this frighten you?” he asked. “On the contrary,” I said, “it gives me faith.” “Good,” he said. “I myself can't afford to be frightened.” That puzzled me. I was to learn, later, the ghastly significance of his sentence. “I think you also ought to know,” he said, “that I'm the san of the Earl of Lamensfirth.” “So that if we were attracted to each other,” I said, “we would require no sanctions.” Hugh Kinsteares chuckled. I liked his chuckle, I liked his blondness, I liked his slimness and I gave not a whit that he might have a bat that was too short or too long, too thick or too thin, too pustuled or too clear. He was a man, however one judged the matter, with the merriest of blue eyes and, surely, the hardest of fists. I had the distinct impression that I was falling in love. Why, I don't know. Does anyone, really? There was, simply, or complexly, a heart-catching quality to the lad, something poignant, something wonderfully free that I wanted to keep free, never to imprison it. I knew then and there that Hugh Kinsteares could do anything he liked to me-I would accept anything at all. It would be a wondrous thing, I thought, if he should wish to marry me, but just as wondrous if he simply saw me and made love to me and never said a word about engagements or marriage. I would not have cared if he had got me with child-I would have borne his bastards willingly. Yes, there seemed no doubt that I was in love. It was a fantastic sensation-I had no thought of myself-I thought only of the beloved, how blond he was, how blue-eyed as inland waters, how cynically and yet sadly poised he was, how irreverent and how much wanting to believe, how the hairs on his wrist were a silver-blond, and thus, too, the hairs on his eyebrows.

Aye, I was in love-I had begun to make inventories! We danced, of course. A hundred dances-or was it only one? You know, I don't really remember. We seemed to flow into each other, Hugh Kinsteares and I.

Simply being with each other was a dance. Stepping out on the Postings' balcony was a dance-of lad and lass. Surely, I thought, no lad and lass had been as smitten as we were. I was absolutely certain that Hugh was as smitten as I, although he never said a word about that on the night of our encounter. It didn't at all matter to me that on that first night he did not say that he loved me, or was fond of me, or even attracted to me. But he apparently had eyes for nobody else, and there were many fetching women there. In any case, my dear reader, there we were, Hugh and I, on the balcony in mid-winter, rime on the ornate ironwork of the railing. “We're absolutely mad, you know,” he said, “to leave that womblike interior, infested as it is with people one meets only in one's dreams.” “Yes, Hugh.”

“Did I tell you I know your brother, Clarissa? We take some of the same lectures together. Witty and personable man, James is-the sort that makes Oxford tolerable.” “Yes, Hugh.” His lean hands gestured in the brilliantly moonlit night. Our frosty breaths commingled. I peered helplessly up at his poignant triangular face.

Helplessly, yes. Exactly that. Because Hugh Kinsteares could have done anything he wanted to at that and any succeeding moments, and I would not have demurred. He could have said the moon was an old child's answer to a balloon, and I would have concurred. He could have said love was a physic and wasted our bowels, and I would have assented. He could have said time was a bisexual seducer, and I would have believed him. He could have said Disraeli was an imposter and Gladstone a fool, and I would eagerly have nodded my numbskull, hypnotized by the play of moonlight on his quizzical face. I could have gazed at Hugh forever, I could have gone on memorizing him without end…

Indeed, it would not even have mattered to me if he had never made love to me. It would have been sufficient for me simply to be in Hugh's presence… ah, my dear reader, this is so very painful to recount… it would have been better, as you will see, if Hugh Kinsteares had never made love to me… But let me go back to counting the ways I loved him, let me go back to the Postings' ball, and Hugh and I on the balcony in the dead of winter… “You're beginning to shiver,” he said. “Yes,” I said. He put his arm about me and drew me close. “Clarissa,” he murmured, “Yes, Hugh?” “You do impossible things to me-and at very short notice.

I hereby protest. Really, Clarissa, I don't even know if you enjoy great music. I mean, do you enjoy Bach, for example?” “I'll attend Bach on any occasion you like.” He frowned. He was nettled. I smiled to myself. “That's not what I asked you,” he said. I smiled out loud. “I like Mozart,” I said. “Not Bach?” “Mozart, Purcell, Scarlatti, Schumann.” “Not Bach.”

“No,” I said. “Well,” he said, “the others you mention are considerable.” “Are they?” I looked at him ingenuously. “You know,” he said, grinning wryly, “you're making fun of me and I don't mind at all…” “I? Making fun of you, Hugh? Oh no, no really, not even in the most distant sense.” “Nevertheless,” he said, holding me more tightly as I shivered again, “I'd better take you inside-or we'll both be dead of winter…” Once again in the Postings' drawing room, the dazzling guests surrounding us, I turned to him and said, “You know, Hugh, if you like I can introduce you to my mother and father-they're with me here tonight. The point is, I've never once introduced my parents to any of the men I've been with…”

“Isn't that curious,” he said. “My own mother and father are here tonight, and I've a similar impulse to take you to them. But let's resist, Clarissa. I don't think it will matter, one way or another…”

A shadow flitted across his face. Strange thing, that shadow, in conjunction with something else. His skin, you see, was quite bronzed-he evidently spent a good deal of time in the outdoors-but he suddenly seemed to pale beneath the bronze, which I either saw with my own eyes or somehow otherwise discerned it. In any case, the shadow and the paling gave me pause. Something was amiss, and I'd no idea what it was. I was frightened. “Hugh,” I said. “Yes?” He gazed down at me with that special fondness that alone is love, and I knew I wanted to erect a barrier between us and the rest of the world-I wanted to protect him from any threat, and I felt his feeling toward me was exactly that, as well. “What is it, Hugh?” I asked.

He looked at me quizzically. “What is what?” “Hugh, I want you to know there's nothing-nothing in the world-that you need conceal from me.” He grinned lightly, as if there were a little sailboat on his lips. “What about all those things we conceal from ourselves, Clarissa? What are we to do with them?” I gazed at him anxiously. “I don't know,” I said. “Well,” he said, “no matter.” “No, it is a matter.” Hugh bade a passing footman pause and, from the tray he bore, Hugh took two shallow glasses of champagne and directed me to a small alcove where for the time being we could be out of the restless ebb and flow of the guests.

His own restless eyes challenged mine. “Clarissa, I know it's been said countless times before, and felt innumerable times before that, but it does seem strange to me that I seem to have known you for a terribly long time and that I can say anything at all to you or do anything at all with you…” “Anything, My Lord,” I said quietly. “Anything.” We gazed at each other for what seemed like split infinities, the brilliance of the gaslight dimmed in the alcove so that I really could not discern the feverishness that had overtaken his features, but the heat of it was somehow transmitted to me.

So-I touched his hand. It seemed terribly dry, terribly cool-and listless. Again I was frightened. We finished the champagne at hand and Hugh brought us two more glasses. We were beginning to chuckle immoderately, even though I felt that fright in the background.

“If there's enough of this,” Hugh said, gesturing at the champagne, “then even those things we conceal from ourselves become of small consequence.” “Is that altogether true?” I asked quietly.

He smiled wryly then. “No, not really. And, you know, I don't mind in the least your taking issue, Clarissa…” For the moment, no one was passing the alcove. Hugh drew me to him, held me close, laid his cheek next to mine and then kissed me-kissed me briefly, almost flutteringly, almost-the analogy actually occurred to me then-almost like a moth attracted to bright flame, the moth destined to die… “Oh, Hugh,” I said. “Darling Hugh.”

“Sweet Clarissa,” he said. I hesitated, but then I felt it terribly urgent that I know, even though I knew it awkward to ask.

“Hugh…” “Yes?” “What are you concealing from yourself?” “Clarissa, how could I possibly know?” “I've a sense that you do.” He laughed. “We're quarreling.” I blushed.

“Hugh, really. There's something you're hiding, and I must know what it is.” “Given your presumption,” he said, “why must you know?”

“I might be able to do something about it.” “If there is anything one can do about it,” he said lightly. “Don't you think I ought to be the judge of that?” “Not exclusively,” I said. “Not any more.” He gazed at me a long time quite impassively. There was no clue on his features as to what he might be thinking or feeling. I felt baffled, frustrated, choked off. Finally Hugh said, “There's nothing particularly that you ought to know.” “All right!” I said testily. I turned away from him. Daringly he placed his hands on my breasts and brought me around again and kissed me squarely, heavily, sensually. There was no mothlike fluttering, no brevity. It was a long kiss, done regardless of who might be walking by the alcove, and in doing so he brought my body hard against his.

Despite the intervening textures, the thicknesses of my silks and satins, and those of Hugh's tight trousers, I registered the ridge of the man's generative organ- and a vertigo momentarily afflicted me. I recognized that the organ was puny in diameter but that the extent of it was spectacular-suitable, I told myself in a conceit, to coil as a hempen rope, except that its rigidity would disarm such an arrangement. Again I thought of the equipment of certain dogs… My eyes widened, I held my lips away from Hugh and put him at arm's length. I peered down at his thighs. “Really?” I said. “I can't quite believe it.” “Skeptical creatures, virgins,” he said, grinning. “You might just as damned well know,” I said, “that I don't subscribe to that malaise.” He became mock-serious.

“Then you've exercised with a long series of men,” he said, resting his chin on the knuckles of his hand. I shook my head violently. I had to take him seriously-my wit failed me where my own body, and his, was concerned. “No,” I said miserably. “No. There was only one, really, and he was a long time ago…” I gazed down at my folded hands. “And I didn't love him,” I added, relying on a whisper. “You needn't feel guilty,” Hugh said. “I shan't tell a soul.” I stamped my foot. “I don't feel at all guilty,” I said, “and you can tell anybody you please-” “I've made you angry, Clarissa. I am sorry.” “I wish you wouldn't be, Hugh. I can express any feelings I like to you, but that won't affect my love.

I could hate you but never stop loving you. I might wish you dead but that would never affect my actions in seeing to it that you stayed alive forever…” “Eyes the color of emeralds,” he mused. “Hair the color of Charon's calling. The mantle of the skeleton pure milk…” He rested a hand on my arse, and my knees began to shake. His voice sank to just above a hush. “May I milk you, sweet Clarissa?

Clarissa of the black and green and white-” “Yes,” I said raspingly, “you may milk me. You may pull at me, knead me, roll me on the floor-you may hang me, if you-if that gives you pleasure…” I went on in that idiotic fashion until I ran out of all the violent verbs I could think of. Then, anticlimactically, I appended in something close to a whimper, “Please take me to your rooms tonight, Hugh… I will make excuses to my mother and father.” He trembled visibly. “No,” he said, paling. “As beautiful as you are, Clarissa-no. I can't-don't you understand?” “What's there to understand?” I said dully, wearily, hopelessly. “When you say that, Hugh, it's obvious you don't want me-not really. There's something repelling you-” “That's not true,” he said. The other guests, in their rounds, were smiling at us now as they passed, as if to say, “What a handsome couple-that enchanting black-haired beauty with that slim blond young man who might have just come out of Gainsborough.” Or Beardsley, possibly, I thought, except that the latter might imply decay, rot, putrescence-and I was appalled that I was thinking in such a fashion. Was there something I was sensing and could not give consciousness to? I didn't know, not at that point.

“I want you,” he said, adding, “more than anything I've ever wanted. I am not repelled an iota, Clarissa.” “Then why won't you take me to your quarters? Is there another woman there? Or another man?” I put in anxiously. Viscount Kinsteares was suddenly moved to raucous laughter. “I do have a man there,” he said finally. “My valet, Heeg- Aaron Heeg. You could not want a more puritanical creature…” “He would not approve of me, Hugh. I think I understand, but I must point out that there must be moral agreement between master and man before third parties, such as women, can appear comfortably on the scene.” His features clouded. “I'm afraid, Clarissa, you understand very little, but I assure you that's not your doing. It's mine.” As it turned out, I let Hugh Kinsteares put me off. After all, I did not want to take the chance of his not seeing me at all, which he implied might be the alternative to my insistence that he take me to his flat. I should not have let him put me off-his roots would not have grown so deep within me, nor would the final agony have been so catastrophic. We went everywhere together-everywhere, that is, where we were not likely to be noticed, and we met at rendezvous: which our respective parents would not be likely to have much knowledge of. They had no idea Hugh and I were seeing each other regularly or irregularly, and would never suspect, for example, that we would spend long hours at the British Museum with the Elgin Marbles-the fabulous statuary Lord Elgin had brought back with him from Greece. Or that, when spring came, we enjoyed-mainly because we were together-the fireworks at the Vauxhall Pleasure Gardens; and, when the summer was almost upon us, punting on the Thames. The summer precipitated matters. I was scheduled, of course, to accompany my mother and father to our retreat in Cornwall.

Hugh and I were punting far upstream on the Thames when we talked the Cornwall matter over, and we let our boat drift idly to the shade of the riverbank. Hugh was very tense and somber. I tried to lighten his mood although I myself felt beclouded on what was otherwise an enchanting, sunny afternoon filled to the brim now with the caroling of birds and the ceaseless chatter of the insects. I took off my flowing hat, let my black hair cascade over my shoulders and unbuttoned the first few buttons of my shirtwaist, affording Hugh a fine view of the swell of my breasts. I knew he was affected because I saw his response-it was quicker and more thoroughgoing than ever before. I wanted to touch it through the fabric of his trousers, but I dared not do so. I could not restrain myself, however, from staring at it, nor could I check the sigh that escaped my lips. “Clarissa-”

“Yes, Hugh?” “Must you go about unfastened?” “It's terribly warm.” “By this point, Clarissa, I could have an orgasm simply by looking at you.” I felt a terrible oiliness churning within me and I knew that my pubes were slick with secretion. “I don't want you to have it that way, Hugh.” It occurred to me I wasn't doing a very good job of lightening his mood. “Oh, hell,” I added, smiling one-sidedly, “have it any damned way you like-it's not the end-all and the be-all. Just take the damned thing out of your trousers and play with it and then squirt it into the Thames-there isn't another punt on the horizon, so nobody could possibly notice.”

His somberness broke and gave way to laughter. “There's not another female,” he said, “in all of England who would speak to me the way you just have.” “And so you love me.” His laughter subsided. He looked at me gravely and said what he had never admitted before. “Yes,” he said. “I love you, Clarissa.” My eyes must have been shining from the hint of my tears. Nevertheless, I spoke prosaically enough. “Then there's nothing hideous to a summer separation-we can be married in the fall,” I said. “I realize that, Clarissa, but I don't want you going through an entire summer feeling sexually suppressed and therefore very possibly resentful-you might end the summer by hating me.” “I don't think that likely, Hugh, but we needn't take chances…” “What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean.” He gazed at me speculatively.

“Yes, Clarissa, I guess I do. A vivid memory can be of great help in retrospect.” He took a long breath. He gazed at me with the most beautiful yearning I have ever seen on a man's face- as if he must without a single error commit me to memory. But there was a strange element in his eye, a kind of abstractedness that made me feel misgivings. But I was at sea with respect to those misgivings-I had no reference point. What could my anxiety be about? I had absolutely no idea. But what I did feel was that I could wait for a summer to pass before occupying the same bed with Hugh, and I said so. He shook his head, demurring. “No,” he said, “it's too much to ask. I've delayed this long enough, Clarissa. I will take you home now and tonight you will come round to my rooms. Doubtless you can satisfy your parents about your prospective absence by a pretext-say, the London Symphony will be playing for the first time a composition by Elgar, which in fact it is, and that you absolutely must hear the performance.” “All right, Hugh.” “The real performance will take place at Number Sixteen Gimquarles Street-it is just off St Paul's.” “Yes, Hugh, I know.” “I will expect you at eight.”

“Yes.” Quite suddenly, then, Viscount Kinsteares was very jaunty. His merry air had something of the impishly bawdy to it. It was as if-in the light of what eventually occurred-he had cast all caution to the winds, that he had decided to yield to the Devil, after all. His jaunty air struck terror to my soul-and I had absolutely no inkling why.

8

“My man, Heeg,” said Hugh Kinsteares, “is gone for the evening-we shan't be interrupted, not at least until eleven of the clock, when Heeg returns… Is that satisfactory, Clarissa?” I was standing by the window, peering out at the mutedly gaslit city and at the bulk, not far off, of St. Paul's. “Indeed,” I said, curtsying. “We shall couple under the beneficent shadow of St.

Paul's.” He smiled, but not at all jauntily-that mood had vanished. Despite the smile, the man's face was melancholy. His concentration searched every part of the room, as if to anchor each attribute-even a grisly Hogarth engraving that Hugh had framed just above the fireplace. “My Lord,” I said, “you seem faintly dispirited.” “Do you think so, Clarissa? Then I must seek your apologies -we have here no occasion for dispiritedness. On the contrary, we celebrate our prenuptials. Is that not so?” “Aye, My Lord.” I crossed over to the man, my hips swaying, and put my arms about his neck as I leaned backward, my belly, however, continuing to be in contact with his, and our loins, roughly, on the same level. I was a tall girl, as I think I've remarked on before, and lacked only a few inches to equal Hugh's. “Oh, my God,” Hugh said, “you are incomparably seductive.” He roughly plucked at my decolletage and brought forth my teats whose nipples he then addressed himself to.

With one hand I stroked the curly blond hair at the back of his neck, and with the other the quite elongated staff through the material of his trousers. I was for several moments in a state of bliss, and I realized that in a little while, if I persisted, I would be in a state of ecstasy because, while the viscount sucked at my nipples, he had lifted my dress and skirts and was tantalizingly playing with the short curly hairs of my mount without venturing further. His breath was labored but he managed to convey how much he adored me, worshipped me, loved me. “Incomparably seductive,” he said, raising his head, “and fantastically beautiful…” It was at that moment that he touched what I am pleased to call the most excitable semiburied tissue in the whole of the human anatomy, excepting the prick, of course. My knees threatened to give way. I was alarmingly liquescent-and I did not wish to achieve the heights without my mover-and-shaker paralleling me. “Hugh,” I said. “Yes?” “I want to undress and lie down with you.” “Of course, Clarissa.” He still breathed stertorously when I went-to the bathroom, which only led me to think that the viscount rarely, if ever, must have exercised in the sweep of his twenty-one years. The supposition did not trouble me and I therefore took it no further while I rapidly moved to the state of nudity. When I reappeared before him, I must have seemed magnificent. He sharply sucked in his breath several times as his eye traveled the length of me-from my face helmeted by jet-black tresses to the largesse of my high-nippled breasts, and then to the region of the essential female where the hair curled as if ebon foam. There was the bloom of my hips and the fruit of my arse. I rippled, I was sleek, I was all velvet as he showed me his own broad-shouldered elegance after he had led me into his austere, practically ascetic bedroom that had nothing more in it than the simplest of beds, an unprepossessing highboy and a small face mirror resting on its top. I sucked in my own breath sharply when he revealed the reach of his apparatus. It was snakelike, but with no touch of the venomous as I was to learn of another later in the evening. Crooning, cooing, I took the hooded, warm-skinned creature into my mouth, playing with it, teasing it, drawing upon it as though through a straw until Hugh, paling, fell back upon the bed. Had I attended his pallor, I would have quit the game instantly, but I was too caught up in the overwhelming reverberations of my own senses-I had my beloved, I had my beloved, I kept repeating to myself. I shook my breasts as if they were barbaric bracelets, and Hugh leaped upon them with feverish hands, twirling them as if he would strike a primitive fire from them, and my little moans in a little while were tributaries to a scream as Hugh mounted me, a curious foam at the comers of his mouth. Shrieking triumphantly, I guided him in and he proceeded to dart at my roots-as if to cut them off, or scalp me, or punch a hundred holes in me. I screamed again and again. There was a wild, crazed expression on Hugh's face-not unusual in the circumstances, I thought; but what I did not notice was the slackness of his jaw and an increasing stupor to his eye, as if he were about to go blind. And, just before I was about to have an orgasm, Hugh Kinsteares suddenly became rigid and abruptly ceased all motion and lay heavily atop me. There was a good deal of white foam about his lips. “Hugh,” I whispered. There was no response.

It was a nightmare. I slid out from under him and shook him by the shoulders. He moved not a fraction. I was wild with unconsummated passion and terror. I shook Hugh violently. He said nothing. He did not stir. I screamed in a transport of fear-screamed his name, but he was inured to the sound with the deafness of death. I knew, then, that he was dead and that somehow I must have brought on the attack that killed him. I went mad with guilt and kept screaming, clawing at Hugh, taking his face in my hands and mewing to it that he must hear me, hear me-and then I felt a series of slaps to my own face and I looked up in horror at the lantern-jawed Aaron Heeg-Hugh's valet, as it turned out, when he later identified himself, the “puritanical” Heeg. I told Heeg he must find a doctor right away. He laughed at me. I was trembling with grief and unrequited lust-I ordered Heeg to find me a robe.

Instead he draped a counterpane over Hugh's body and pulled me into his own bedroom where he flung me on the bed. “You must bring a doctor,” I said pleadingly. The lantern-jawed Heeg shrugged as he stripped himself of his clothes. “All in due course, milady,” he said. “I will bring a legion of doctors, and they will all celebrate you as a breeder of cause. I myself celebrate you, milady-have you ever witnessed a more rapid engorgement?” His rod, too, was snakelike, but with the stance of the venomous, the cobra about to strike, the rattler about to lunge. The rest of Aaron Heeg was skin and bones, but the truth was and is that I wanted badly to be fucked by that point, terrified as I was, repelled as I was by the leanness of Heeg's body and the stench of his breath. So, while I realized that my true lover was dead, I drew up my knees and parted my thighs so that the surrogate sensualist, the “puritanical” Aaron Heeg of the stinking mouth, might make his way. And make his way he did. The impact was brutal-and overwhelmed me. Heeg's venomous machine tipped at my cervix, and I very nearly lost consciousness from the transport this put me in. If I could have held him there, tipping at my cervix, I would have, so disloyal had I become to my beloved Hugh. But Hugh would have understood, I told myself. He would have comprehended the siren call of mortal flesh-he would have comprehended my weakness, the female flaw involved in the woman concupiscently aroused-any animal, had it been so directed, could have taken me at that point, so swooning with secretions I was, so swollen and soft, so gapingly open. And it was like a creature, a lower animal, that Aaron Heeg took me. The analogy, I assure you, dear reader, is valid, because in a comparatively short time I was to become the mistress of Sir Lawrence Terstyke, and have to experience the nightmare with Sir Lawrence's dog. But I am anticipating myself. It was Aaron Heeg, now, who was lunging in and out of me with fantastic rapidity while I boiled over-once, twice, three times-unafraid of Heeg's sperm whenever they would make the fountain of their appearance, as had Oliver Harwell's. No pregnancy had resulted because of the Harwell affair and I had come to the conclusion-after a surreptitious visit to a Harley Street doctor-that I was sterile, to which, to this day, there has been no exception… As he whipped in and out of me, Heeg bit me without mercy. He bit me on the neck, and then sucked up the blood. He bit me on my nipples, and sucked up the blood there. He bit me on my arms and my rib cage, and sucked up the blood in each place-and giggled as he did so. I do not exaggerate. The “puritanical” Aaron Heeg giggled as he sucked up my blood and thrust in and out of my loins-and I continued, in an equally insane fashion, to climax.

Heeg was laughing now. He was skin and bones but for all his nakedness he seemed attired in black. Attired in clothes for the grave. And I thought of the corpse in the next room, my erstwhile early lover who had become impassioned with me too late, too late, too late-I had killed him. That was what it amounted to, my guilt informed me. If he hadn't met me, if he hadn't had to take me, he might still be alive. How would I face his progenitors? How would I face my own mother and father? They would all come to know, for I would have to wait till the doctor came round to examine the dead Hugh Kinsteares-I could not eave him alone. Oh my God, I must be mad, thinking on such while the stink-mouthed Heeg rode me and spattered my pubes with his sperm as I whinnied in bliss and dug my fingers into his bobbing rump.

Once again he emptied his gonads into my penis-thresher, laughing intemperately. But on this occasion he abruptly withdrew and, with an expression of distaste and contempt, told me he had had enough because I was beginning to stink. To my utter horror I heard myself asking him to stay, that I wanted him utterly to exhaust me-and I found myself pulling at his cock, milking it of its last drops and then with my mouth lapping at it as a cat might at a saucer of cream. I confess that at that point I was absolutely without shame-Heeg's cock had maddened me, had set me off like a series of Chinese rockets. But the man was adamant. Heeg roughly shoved me away and dressed rapidly and then with some faint hint at compassion promised me that he would fetch a physician for that poor bastard of a cadaver a few rooms away from us in the flat, the once elegant and tender Viscount Kinsteares.

The rest of that night, and the days and nights of the succeeding weeks, were sheer nightmare. I suppose I could have run from Hugh's rooms then and there and let the doctor find poor Hugh's corpse unattended, but I was insufficiently callous for such a course of conduct and-I loved him. Had loved him, I suppose; what was dead was no longer lovable. Still, I loved Hugh in memory-it took me a terribly long time to stop loving the memory and to stop feeling guilty for his death, that I had brought on the coronary thrombosis that had killed him. The Earl and Countess of Lamensfirth, his father and mother, spoke not a word to me when they came to claim their son's body. They glanced at me once, icily-and from that point on I ceased to exist for the nobility of Lamensfirth. As a matter fact, I practically ceased to exist for the nobility of Portferrans once word had seeped out that I had been the woman with Viscount Kinsteares on the night of his demise-the Quist-Hagens felt quite shamed in the eyes of the London aristocracy, and were not in the least subtle in hinting that perhaps I ought to find other more suitable quarters in which to live, of which my mother seemed more the instigator than my father, but the two nevertheless presented a glacial front. “We would, of course,” the master of Hagen House said, “remit you a handsome stipend and a sufficiency whereby you would have the necessary number of servants-naturally we would expect you to change your name… I burst out into hysterical tears and retreated to my rooms, sobbing my beloved's name-Hugh, Hugh Kinsteares, Hugh… I told myself I wanted to join him in death if, indeed, he would greet me in that bourne and forgive me. He must forgive me, I cried. I had not meant, with my little scissoring cunt, to cut him down, to cut his heart to the quick, the youth with the twilight-blue eyes… I heard loud voices suddenly and threw open my bedroom door-I knew I had recognized my brother's voice in what seemed to be a verbal melee downstairs. I peered over the stairway bannister and there were my mother and father, their backs toward me, marching haughtily to the downstairs library as my brother continued to excoriate them on my account. His words were abusive but not quite billingsgate. It was only after the Marquis shut the library door that James called a halt to his own tongue and leaped up the stairs two at a time to fold me in his arms and to tell me in no uncertain terms that I absolutely was not responsible for Hugh's death, that the coronary he suffered would have slain him in due course, and that I need not atone for having loved Hugh because that had probably given the viscount a happiness he had rarely enjoyed. Then James bade me dress warmly. “What you need to do is walk and talk with me, Clarissa-I daresay you've scarcely ventured forth since the ghastly Lamensfirth contretemps. Come, the night air will brace you…” He took me to London Bridge, that five-arched granite span we proceeded to cross and recross, the traditional fog swirling about us and the clop-clop of the hansom cabs in our ears. “I wanted to come here to begin with,” I told James, “the night Hugh died. I wanted to come here and deliver myself to the Thames.” “It would have cast you back up, as the whale did to Jonah. I doubt your palatability to the fishes, too. In any case, Clarissa,” he said, nodding amiably to a passing bobby, “the British constabulary would have pulled you back before you gained the nerve to jump. The London bobby is famous for his suicide-prevention on this bridge.” “James…” “Yes?” “James, what am I to do? In all seriousness?” “Forget him-forget Hugh Kinsteares. In all seriousness.” “I can't,” I said. “I loved him. I love him even now-oh, not the dead shell, but the spirit of him hovering within me.”

“Dear Clarissa, you sound like a Christian tract.” “My memory of him, then, James. It is the memory I love beyond all bounds…” We tarried at one of the gas lamps on the bridge. We craned our necks to look at the swirling waters beneath but the fog effectively obscured the sight. James shrugged. I removed my coif and shook out my long black hair. James sighed. “One cannot love beyond all bounds,” he said. “One must find the limit and then work backward to expunge it. Because if you keep loving Hugh Kinsteares, the obsession will have your mind.” “I'm afraid it already has my mind.” James gazed at me a very long time. “Do you really think that, Clarissa?” he asked. “Yes.” “Pity. What will you do, indeed?” “I haven't gone beyond thinking of changing my name.

Apparently the Quist-Hagens, with you as the exception, do not want me-at least, not during their lifetimes. It was they who originally suggested I change my name, and I've begun to think it a capital idea-I don't want to commit suicide under an assumed name!” I smiled broadly. “It's good to see you emerging from your despond,” James said. “But you've got to have a program of action, you know. Have you picked out a name?” “Yes-Victoria Collins. Do you like it?”

James mused for several minutes. “Yes,” he said finally, '“and it's given me an idea. One of my drinking cronies at Oxford-chap by the name of George Maytemper, a bit daft but none the worse for it, really-has got together a group of players for a summer tour.

Maytemper's Mummers he calls them, I believe. Now look here, Clarissa, you've never been on stage but you do have a presence and I wager you'd be something of success once you had the acting essentials at your command. In any event, what I can do is get you to talk with Maytemper, and he will decide if you're acceptable or no-he might have you do a reading to that end. Are you game, Clarissa?”

“Clarissa?” “Victoria, then.” “Victoria Collins is quite game,” I said.

9

Mr. George Maytemper was a fat man. It was impossible for me to forget Hugh Kinsteares and the nagging sense that I had misled him-for which I deserved, now, damned little from life -but I liked Maytemper. I liked his corpulence-his Falstaffian abdominiousness-and I wondered if the hump of fuck between his thighs was a member as stout as the rest of Maytemper. But this speculation on my part was not the reason we met at Holishank's Bitters and Sprint, a tavern near Oxford at Thudder's Crossing where ladies accompanied by gentlemen were quite welcome without chaperones.

The barmaid, a shrewish, sharp-chinned biddy who answered to the name of Vivian, at last reached our table. Evidently she was on familiar terms with the university man. She ignored me absolutely.

“What will you have, Master Maytemper?” she asked, barely moving her lips. “My usual, Lady Vivian,” he said sardonically.

“Faugh,” she said, half snarl and half grin on her face as she acknowledged the order and exposed her yellow teeth in their last resting place, gums of an unhealthy whitish pink. “And an ale for my companion,” he said. Arms akimbo, she called over her shoulder to the bartender. “Harry,” she said, “a whisky and soda, and an ale.”

She turned back to the Oxford man. “Will that be all, Master Maytemper?” “I daresay, Mistress Vivian,” he said resignedly, the mass of fat about his eyes making gimlets of them. “It's my business to recommend the kidney on the bill of fare,” she said.

“You've done your business, then, Viv.” “No kidney?”

“None.” She stuck out a hip. “As you wish, Master Maytemper.

I'll be along with the chinks by and by.” “I'll be obliged,” he said flatly. After the barmaid had flounced off, he once again turned to me. “You are James's sister, are you not? There's too much resemblance to put me off.” I admitted to the relationship but begged him to keep it a confidence. “Of course, Victoria.

Certainly you're aware that I've already observed a good deal about you. Your voice is a fetching contralto and your carriage is beyond cavil, but I shall have to teach you a good deal in a very short time-even the rudiments of acting are quite complex. Maytemper's Mummers open in As You Like It in Brighton, in precisely four weeks.

I've a frightful impatience, Victoria, and will no doubt on occasion flay you from head to toe-and we shall still be taking a gamble.

Nevertheless, in deference to your bonny brother, I'm game to make the attempt to put you on the boards.” He smiled, and his eyes very nearly vanished amid the fat. “And you?” “I'm game, Maytemper,” I said.

He winced. “George, please.” I shan't bore you, gentle reader, with the details of my theatrical baptism, but there did, at last, arrive the evening when George Maytemper exacted his due-nor was I averse to Maytemper's piping. As a matter of fact, I had been more than sexually abstemious since Hugh's death-I had even actually denied myself the contrition of masturbation. It was as if May-temper were practically to take a virgin… I had maintained my abstemiousness easily enough-I still considered myself figuratively responsible for Hugh's death. At the same time I thought myself fair game for George Maytemper at any time he might decide to make the attempt. I realize that sounds paradoxical, but in the light of what occurred there was no paradox at all… We had just finished going over-for the fifth time-a scene between Macbeth and Lady Macbeth, and I was exhausted. I was more than ready to return to Hagen House for the night- we had been working, as usual, in Maytemper's rooms, and the early spring humidity had been stifling. I found myself staring in utter fatigue, and yet with some morbid fascination, at some rather peculiar posters Maytemper had brought back with him from his last trip to Paris-the draughtmanship was acidulous, as if the artist had been determined to eat away at his subjects, mainly currently popular cabaret performers. The artist's name was Toulouse-Lautrec, and he seemed to me an extraordinarily sharp, if obscure, observer of the demimondaine. I remarked on it to Maytemper.

“Yes,” Maytemper said, his belly a billow of fat as he sat back in one of his leather armchairs. “The French painters are altogether incomparable these years-there's quite a host of them…” His voice trailed off. “Do you really care, Victoria, at this moment?” “Not really.” 'Then we really ought to get to bed, don't you think?”

“Does that suit you, George?” He spread his hands as if he were opening a fan. “I think so, Victoria. You're terribly attractive, you know. Rather beautiful, come to think of it. I think you'll grace the stage.” “It's good to hear that from you.”

“Not at all. It really has been a pleasure working with you. I don't think you'll ever be a star, really, but your intelligence assures you of featured roles, at the least.” “Very decent of you, George.” He looked down at his fingernails. “I think so,” he said. He raised his eyebrows. “Shall we get on to bed?” “Of course,” I said. It was a night I shall long remember-for a few choice reasons. One of them was Maytemper himself-he proved to have reserves of a practically interminable nature. I never did learn whether they were interminable or no, for it was I, on each occasion I spent with him, who would throw in the breech. George Maytemper was always willing to go on. Of course, that may have had to do with the fact that, as a sexual partner, he was essentially passive-but, then, I am not completely certain of that. “Aggressive” and “passive” are, really, peculiarly slippery terms, for in a universe where there is, actually, no up or down, where there is never an absence of motion-how can one blithely believe that one individual is at a standstill while another is moving? Seemingly still-that was George Maytemper. Was he? Surely the cauldron of cream that seemed with frequent periodicity to geyser out of his spherical pits-surely they were not immobile… “Victoria,” he said-the first time. “Yes?” “You will have to be patient with me.”

“How so?” I asked. “Isn't it obvious?” “Oh,” I said. “The rolls of suet. Obviously the usual posture is ruled out.” I had supposed, of course, that the strictly conventional might prove difficult but, now that I saw George Maytemper in the pure fat of his naked flesh, it became clear to me that only one method was possible-Maytemper was obliged to lie on his back. “What a pretty picture,” I said, gazing down at him. “What you have there, sprouting from a hollow, so to speak, is quite a lightning rod.” I put a finger to pursed lips. “Do you suppose,” I continued, “that the sensualist Ben Franklin got the idea for his lightning rod from his own genital situation? The female, naturally, being the lightning that strikes from above.” So saying, I straddled my brother's friend.

“Are you about to strike?” he asked. He pouted. I had never seen Maytemper pout before-I supposed that in this sort of situation he pouted aside all inhibitions. “No,” I said. “The lightning is first going to play for a little while about one of your structures.

And it seems a very stout structure indeed, standing as it does without any visible means of support.” I grinned at my wit-I would refine it. “An erection may be defined as any member standing without visible means of support,” I said. Maytemper laughed grudgingly.

“A woman of beauty with humor,” he said. “A most extraordinary combination. Not to mention the saucy manner in which your black hairsprings contribute a small creek to your navel.” “That stirs you, does it?” “Aye, Victoria.” He was being quite candid. A series of throbs, like a powerful pillar being shaken, overtook Maytemper's battering-ram and produced a liquid pearl at the aperture.

“Such effusions can be quite useful,” I said. “How so?”

Maytemper asked as he pawed my swaying breasts, depressing the nipples. This was the first inkling that something had gone wrong-ordinarily, if anyone makes free with my nipples, a dizzying lubrication takes place at my abdomen's black delta and I am straightway an idiot ready to be mauled, pinched, masticated and penetrated by any instrument at hand, be it a male's natural virility or a dildo. On this occasion, however, I felt not in any scintilla erotic, nor did I in any way feel sensations of pain. On the contrary, I felt dry and numb. I frowned. “I can use your perfect pearl,” I said, “to make the tributary to my navel glisten as it never has before.” “Please do,” George Maytemper said. “I am at your service, Victoria.” I did more than make that tributary glisten-I applied May-temper's glutinous substance to my undistended pudenda, another sign that all was not well. My sangfroid was undisturbed.

I took the necessary further steps to prove or disprove the state of my sexual being. But I was in no great haste. George Maytemper was. “Victoria-” “Yes?” “I shall have to urge you to keep pace.” I had been consciously giving the impression to George that I was relishing each individual step. After all, Victoria Collins is, whatever she's not, very much of a human person, and my thespian mentor had been thoroughly persuaded that I was slowly savoring every aspect of our conjunction. Now, of course, I could easily promote the impression that I could ecstatically race down to the finish line. “I will keep pace, George.” “Ah,” said he.

Twice more he said “ah", each time as if he had received a jolt. I wasn't sure. The fabled Shakespeare himself in his plays has used three accented monosyllables in sequence to gain intensely dramatic effects. I myself, in order to convince George, had thrown back my head-I looked all the world like some figure of a female on the prow of a New England clipper ship-and was making some imbecilic sounds in my nose-throat system. Curious, I had never known how imbecilic I must have sounded on prior occasions until this experience with George Maytemper in which I was creating a role of feeling everything while I felt nothing. After his third “ah,” he said, “Victoria-” He sounded as if he were choking, and I did not know what to do about that. I did say, “Yes?” even as I had before, but I did not believe the interchange would be as before. I continued to rise and fall on his elephantine tusk as if I were a special emissary alternating between the down-draughts to Hell and the up-draughts to Heaven, but there was no pounding in my ears. I was as ice.

“Victoria…” He sounded now as if he were gargling.

“What is it, George?” “What is it?” he echoed laboriously, his lips writhing. For the purposes of verisimilitude I thought I had better anticipate him. “Are you there?” I asked.

“Quite,” he said in something of a strangled fashion. “Like Mt.

Vesuvius or some fireplug sprinkler.” “Vesuvius, for God's sake-Victoria-Victoria-Victoria-” His mouth was open and his eyes were shut. He was as if in a convulsion. And, at the proper moment, when I felt his tidal wave break over my apparatus, I screamed.

George Maytemper smiled… I smiled back. I even lingered over his lingam. I made sure-to be vulgar but precise over the matter-that he was cleaned out. He quivered, not once-but many times, then and later. I gave him the extremely clear impression that I coincided with him all the way and that we stopped only when dawn broke not because his testicular production had gone bankrupt but because I was all fucked out-I thought I should have the grace to tell George that, and I did. He beamed-higher praise he had never received.

The strange thing was that I had authentically striven to gain the same pleasure that he was experiencing-and that I had signally failed. That night I was not fucked out. I was never fucked in. As the night had worn on, my numbness had persisted in the face of George Maytemper's shish-kebab, a near-Eastern dish of considerable pungency whose shape and form, en brochette, most nearly approximated his cock. It mattered not in the least how often I skewered myself with Maytemper's brochette-I was as if frozen. And the more I worried over this sexual state of nonbeing, the colder my responses became-if that were possible. It took no profound glimpse into my psyche for me to understand that I must be punishing myself by feeling guilty for having caused my only love's death-Hugh Kinsteare's. Although I had quite sensibly realized that I was not to be held culpable, there was something within me that singled me out for blame- almost as if I had to suffer for having dared fall in love.

What was really transpiring within my depths was quite simple-I was being frigid because I was in mourning and, when my grief would cease, then and only then would my sexual excitement revive. But I understood that only years later. Who could have foretold that a great Dane would end my grief? In the meantime I was frightened by my lack of sexual response and I took every opportunity to attempt to dissipate it. I not only went periodically to bed with the producer of Maytemper's Mummers-George Maytemper himself-but also with the leading man, Henry Quibbling, and the leading lady, Sylvia Knox-Drendendorff.

As a matter of fact, while we were touring Sussex-and I was acquitting myself admirably on the boards, receiving excellent notices in the local sheets-the juvenile lead, Stanley Widdemer, fell head-over-cock in love with me. It was in Brighton-I shall never forget, for reasons which shall shortly become clear-where Stanley, taking advantage of our surprisingly long run there, declared his undying passion for me.

We were both in our bathing clothes and strolling hand-in-hand along the shallows late that hot July morning, desultorily collecting seashells and within moments contemptuously tossing them back to whatever denizens of the deeps were there to catch them. I managed to blush prettily at Stanley's declaration and, observing the massive crowding in the crotch of his bathing clothes, I bethought myself that perhaps Stanley Widdemer might be in possession of the magic wand or, better, that Excalibur which, plunged into the core of my femaleness, might unseat the icy demon there. Accordingly I made the appropriately senseless sounds and led Stanley to an equally appropriate locus in the hollow of a dune, out of sight of the sea and of the stately, white-faced Georgian residences looking out upon the eternal waters, their windows winking in the midday sun. Stanley Widdemer was a tall lad, thin to the point of emaciation, who had that kind of open-faced, naive countenance that the many middle-aged ladies in our Maytemper's Mummers afternoon audience fell cooingly in love with. I rather felt, myself, that I was about to corrupt a minor, even though the lad was some half-dozen years older than I. Corrupt if you can, I told myself-this may be the key, literally, to unlock Victoria Collins's box. The hell with Pandora's. My own was much more apropos-where one might encounter the shrunken heads of phalli suitably mounted, a much more fascinating exhibit than any big-game hunter's trophy room, on the backgrounds of the natives' brush. Let us hope, thought I, that Stanley Widdemer's phallus will be worth the capture. As the saying goes, I minced no actions. As soon as we had embraced and kissed, Stanley having no trouble in persuading me to endure the sand, I felt for what might be called-if mild exaggeration may be permitted-the cloverleaf creature of Stanley's manhood. I swiftly unbuttoned the fly of Stanley's bathing shorts and inserted a cool hand that instantly came in contact with some highly heated ragout-I do not minimize the amount of thick sauce that Stanley in his fervent eagerness had already spilled. But he quickly reconstituted himself and in a moment he had me on my back on the sand under the mercilessly bright sun. During the whole process I cannot remember anything more vivid than my desire that a bumbershoot spread its benevolent and cooling shadow over the proceedings. An umbrella would at least have kept the sun out of my eyes. Of course, I did try to align myself with the shadow Stanley made, but that was essentially futile since I had obviously no maneuverability beyond the pit of my own making in the sand-a pit which, under the stress of Stanley, I was making deeper and not wider. Oh, for a bumbershoot, I cried within my concupiscent self-if I must counterfeit passion, let it be in a shadier world. And I was, believe me, patient reader, counterfeiting passion. I snorted, I purred. I made choking sounds, whistling sounds, nasal sounds. I screeched, I gargled, I hummed. I yipped, I ya-hooed, I yammered-forgive me my use of the occasional Americanism, but our ex-subjects across the sea do have a decided bent on occasion for the vivid verb and, altogether, for the mot juste. As I was saying, as far as sound was concerned, I gave my sexual all. I was a double concerto, for God's sake. I was seventy-seven horses' arses, simultaneously farting a broadside. I was a gymnast of unparalleled parallel bars-and, mind you, all the time enduring the grinding, knife-gnashing particles of sand penetrating my navel, my yoni and my anus, not to mention the sweaty grains of sand that Stanley brought to my mouth with his, and not to mention the dune streaking my black tresses. Yes-the juvenile lead pounded at me mercilessly. His phallus, in more responsive instances, would have been well worth the capture. As it was… As it was. Yes. Well, here it is. In one of the lulls Stanley Widdemer said, “Victoria?”

“That's my name,” I said brightly. “Victoria,” he said again, as if to roll the syllables around in his spit.

“Precisely,” I said. “Victoria-” I thought for a moment I was taking leave of my senses, but it was Stanley Widdemer in the flesh and leaning on mine. It was terribly hot there behind the sand ridge and in the pit of the dune. Even salt water splashed on my loony brow would have been a boon. Anyhow, what I said was, “Yes, Stanley?” “I love you, Victoria.” He was being candid, I knew, but candor does not necessarily go jerk-in-hand with truth.

Besides, the juvenile lead might be giving me a problem-I wanted no second affair. One was sufficient, George Maytemper was quite enough on that score. But I saw no out other-than to be brutal, and I decided to try that. “Yes,” I said. “Didn't you convey that to me before we dwelt in the sand?” “Yes,” he said mutedly. I wasn't finished. Love, I thought, love. Love was what I needed-to inspire a coronary thrombosis and a dead prick in a live cunt. Exactly what I needed. “About love,” I said, taking up needle and thread.

“Yes, my darling?” Oh Christ in a hammock, I thought. Oh desperate Ben Jon-son displaying the spoils of his vocabulary. Did you hear that jockless “my darling”? “Stanley,” said I, “about love-do you love your mother?” He paled beneath his freckles. “I don't quite make you out, Victoria. Naturally, I love my mother, but what has that to do with-” “Oh,” I interrupted, “I'm sorry, Stanley-I didn't know your mother had died.” He paled a second time, and hardly anything but freckles could be seen. We were obviously down to bone. His adam's apple jiggled a few times before he could attach sound to words. “She's alive,” he said, horrified.

And he really was. He collapsed in my yoni faster than bubbles from goldfish ghosts in a metaphysical pond. He slipped out and, with his back against the rise in the dune, said-gaining strength by the moment- “Is there any bar to my loving her living rather than dead?”

He peered down at me quizzically. “I must say, Victoria, you are rather a strange one, but in spite of that I do love you, you know.”

He stared at my brilliant, nacreous nakedness in the sun and, as his eye tarried at the dense black curls of my delta, the cylindrical lizzard between his thighs-cowed only a little while before-began now to twitch. It was always to me a fascinating progression.

Twitch. Little brief leaps into the air, the penis like a terribly young ballet boy. Then the cock, rearing-crowing at full blush. Rampant. Tyrannical. The master baton.

Heavily throbbing, its jowls the testicles. The prince cock.

The monarch of all the ova he surveys- King Cock! Bow down, he cries, bow down. And I thought I might indeed be ready to bow down. Watching King Cock swelling and showing me its underbelly, as of a leviathan, methought I detected an answering ache in my gut. Actually, that was simply hunger for a good meal, but so intent was I on fracturing my frigidity that I did not want to recognize another elemental force at work. Thus-I bowed down.

In Brighton, Sussex, I took his Cornish promontory into my mouth.

It was good to chew on but gently, gently, dear reader. One must not promote panic in the sensitive male. One does not imply, no matter how sharply one at times feels it, that the male is about to be castrated. On the contrary, one implies, if one can, that it is a supreme privilege to be worthy of the male genitals. I thus implied with Stanley Widdemer. I swabbed my mouth with his uncircumcised plume and from moment to moment, as I salivated copiously, I gazed up adoringly with my green eyes at the groaning juvenile lead. He was convulsively clutching at the sand, his head arched back, his shoulders hunched. The feeling I had was that the juvenile lead was at my mercy. Thereupon I disgorged Stanley's naming blubber and took it into my hands, toying with it.

Stanley then looked like a fish out of water as I rolled his blubber between the palms of my hands under the metallic blue sky. I could hear the distant thunder of the surf. He made several attempts to disengage himself from my hands by seizing one of my breasts, but all I had to do to loosen his hold was to run my thumbnail several times from the base of his promontory to the crown. Then, making interesting infantile gurglings, some of which sounded distinctly like “mama, mama, mama,” he released my teat and sank back on the sand.

As if in slight but unmistakable punishment, I gave his distended music roll a light slap. Stanley Widdemer mooed. It was not the expansive moo of a cow. It was the somewhat curtailed moo the human male makes when he is figuratively, as the American would have it, hogtied. In ordinary circumstances I would at such a point have exploded. I would have thrown myself on Stanley Widdemer and bellowed for him to plunge in his lightning rod and shock the living piss out of me. But these were not ordinary circumstances. In the heat of the Brighton sun I was refrigerated. I was glacial.

And, I guess, I was being masochistic-I kept seeing Hugh Kinsteare's face, the blondness of his hair, the sweetness of his features, the ripple of his musculature. I wanted to weep, I wanted to sob unrelievedly. Instead, I grimaced. Instead, I made a small gouge into Widdemer's prick-and he writhed there on the sand in the noonday sun as though he were a snake gone utterly berserk. But no drums beat in me. No bagpipes skirled.

And I was only casually interested in the creature there on the sand making a bloody spectacle of himself. The sand was sweat-smeared all over him. He resembled, somehow, a praying mantis but he was not half so fierce. And he was disproportionately bloated between his legs-I was having rather morbid ideas, I must confess. The distended corpse of the prick, I thought. The two-by-four with delusions of grandeur. The sperm-logged belaying pin. A graduated inflation of a thermometer, marked off with empurpled degrees of passion… Then I heard Stanley whisper. “Finish me off, Victoria.” I sniggered. I felt as if I were the coldest bitch in the world. I felt as if I had Jesus Christ Himself disheveled there in the pit of the dune. “The truth, Stanley, the truth-” “Anything. But hurry.” His breathing was a rasp. His buttocks squirmed. “Do you really love me, Stanley? The truth, please. I'll know if you're lying.” “You will finish me off, then, will you not?” “Yes.”

“It is a he that I love you, Victoria.” “A large lie, Stanley?” “Yes.” “A fat, maggoty lie?” “Yes, Victoria.”

“And what was the he, Stanley?” “A ploy.” “An age-old stratagem to lure both male and female into the zodiac of fuck, so to speak, Stanley?” “So to speak.” “Do you love your mother, Stanley?” Silence. I flicked a forefinger at his balls. He winced, but his erection remained undismayed. “Yes,” he said. “I love my mother.” Then he wrapped a fist about his charger and began to thrust with his loins. I waited, amused. What I expected, occurred. He groaned, stopped. “Victoria,” he said.

“Yes?” “If I think about my mother, I'll never come,” he said. His voice held a note of hysteria. Ah, those juvenile leads.

“I'll simply have a permanent erection. I can't stand that.” “All right, Stanley. You have been truthful, and you may possibly present an impressive and stimulating picture.” I had bethought to myself, gentle reader, that the sight of sperm pumping out of the male generative organ might conceivably stimulate me. It was easily done-the pumping, I mean. I coolly took Stanley's redoubtable ark in hand, bent it back so that its dorsal side was flush with his belly, and I exerted simple pressure against his apparatus with the heel of my hand. Stanley's mouth gaped. His eyeballs rolled upward. He bleated. And I applied a little more pressure. He bleated a second time. I increased the pressure. He bleated a third time-and then he shipped a flood. It was as if a tidal wave had accumulated within his testicles and were now smashing through Stanley Widdemer's grand canal. I directed the flood toward the parched sand, but I felt nothing more than a mild disdain. My groin-to stretch a figure- continued to yawn at sex. The juvenile lead smiled at me-gratefully. I lifted an eyebrow and reconstituted myself in my bathing clothes. I might just as well, I thought, go back to the hotel and rejoin the rest of Maytemper's Mummers. There certainly was no point in collecting empty shells any more. The ghost of Kinsteares continued to rule my sexual roost.

10

I venture upon this chapter, my dear reader, with considerable trepidation. It is not matter suitable to delicate digestions, and may well horrify the overrefined, but it was part of the life I lived, and justifiably may be set down to insure the reader's all-inclusive grasp of reality-otherwise my story would be grievously incomplete. My life situation was, if I may faintly belabor the point, inadequate after the death of Hugh Kinsteares. Whoever the man or woman, whatever the place, I could generate no erotic response-I remained in mourning for the demise of the one man I have loved in this life aside from my brother James. How that mourning was terminated is the gist of this chapter -and I shall make no apologies for it, the method, that is. I do most certainly apologize for any stomach I may turn, and to any sensibility I may offend. While it is not my purpose to put down matter that may shock the ingenuous ear, I have no recourse other than to inscribe the truth as it occurred-we must at least be faithful to the proper recording of an event lest the event itself deceive us. I insist I shall not be deceived and, if I may identify with the reader momentarily, I feel that the reader, too, is opposed to deception. Nevertheless, as I say, I proceed with trepidation. While truth may be experienced precisely, and undoubtedly is, the accurate rendering of it is another story-so frequently will that be at variance with the morals of the day and will be characterized as either overly puritanical or overly bestial. In any case, I will take my chances with the devoted reader and get on with the story… Maytemper's Mummers were still in Brighton, having gained a large measure of success. After one of the afternoon performances of As You Like It, I sat down to the dressing-room table -a dressing room, of course, I shared with the other females of the cast-and went about the process of removing my makeup in the gaslight. I was feeling unusually taciturn, practically sullen-when the doorman from the stage door came in and put an engraved card on the vanity before me. The leading lady, Sylvia Knox-Drendendorff-who owned execrably bad teeth whose stench preceded her-leaned her nose over my shoulder and read the card aloud: “Sir Lawrence Terstyke, Bart., Merlin House, Sussex.” On the obverse side in rather a childlike scrawl it was evidently Sir Lawrence who had inscribed-to Knox-Drendendorff's post-adolescent glee-that my acting had made a very considerable impression upon him, and that he begged to make my acquaintance-he would be waiting with his coach-and-four just outside the stage door. “Ah,” said Sylvia Knox-Drendendorff in her rather shrill voice, but one could not fault her on her thespian ability. She tapped me lightly on the shoulder with her fan.

“And will you take the gamble, my lass?” Her smirk extended to both ears which I immediately wanted to take and give a sound boxing to, but she did need her ears for cues, didn't she? I therefore checked my felonious intent, put on a mask of extravagant indifference and shrugged the shoulder Sylvia had dubbed. She pinched up her skirts, seeing I wasn't going to make any comment whatsoever, and flounced off angrily. The girls who played minor roles and who doubled in the crowd scenes, regarded me with fresh admiration and chorused me with naive glosses. “Suppose he's fake, Victoria-what would you do?”

“How wonderful to be loved by the nobility!” “I dreamed of my white knight in a coach-and-four…” “He could be an old man, Victoria.” “I wouldn't accept him on his first advances, but on his second he could advance all over me! Oh, la!” By that point I was sans makeup and ready to go. I had not decided whether I ought to go out with the Baronet or no. I should have to see him first and observe what I could in the twilight before making up my mind.

And there he was as I stepped out of the stage door-lounging gracefully, for all his heft, against the door of his coach-and-four.

Seeing me, he slouched to my side. “Miss Collins,” he said. He had one of those rich bassos that banished all care in the listener.

And his basso, of course, was suitable to his physique, which was extraordinarily broad-shouldered and slim-hipped. He stood some six feet seven inches. But what was so immediately strange was not that Sir Lawrence had iron-gray hair and amber eyes, nor even the impression that his eyes might glow in the twilight-but that his eyes were feral… As for his skin, it had that leathery aspect difficult to ascribe years to. His cheekbones were high and prominent, and his chin had a hard thrust. The whole picture of the man was that of boniness, boyishness, power and enormous tensions held in reserve. And he had those long sinewy hands equally facile with a skillet or gun or the nipples of a woman's breasts. His age, I judged, was somewhere between forty-five and fifty, with a tip toward fifty. “Yes,” I said inanely, “I am Victoria Collins. You, I take it, are Sir Lawrence Terstyke.” “Quite, Now then, Miss Collins, are you hungry after your performances?” He said this with an air of the most tender concern, as if his waiting upon me would be enough to give him the most exquisite delight. I looked at him a long time. Not for a moment did his solicitous ambiance change. But what could one really tell?

There were the feral amber eyes, the broad shoulders, the slim hips, the long legs tightly tailored. Doubtless he would be more than competent in bed, but that was not the question. The question was, would he have the unique competence requisite toward ending my mourning over Hugh Kinsteares, so that my membranes could once again react ardently to caresses, to strokings, to gentle or savage penetrations, and that my glaciality be altogether dissipated? I decided to take the gamble of finding out. What, really, could be dangerous about that? Sir Lawrence's manners were impeccable-there was no doubt he was a gentleman born. I smiled wickedly. “I am terribly hungry after performances, Sir Lawrence.” “Ah,” he said.

He gave me a small smile, not as if he were restraining himself or that he had no more to give, but that the small smile was proper in the circumstances. “In that case,” he continued, “would you prefer the Boar and Bramble, most suitable in these parts for dining and modest drinking, or would you rather incline toward the less public virtues of my own manse, Merlin House? I must point out that the Boar and Bramble has a most unparalleled view of the sea, while all Merlin House can offer you is the pleasance of looking out over one of the serenest valleys in Sussex. My coach-and-four are at your service, Miss Collins.” “Merlin House, Sir Lawrence.” “I am indeed honored, Miss Collins.” As he handed me into the coach-and-four, I said, “I should be much more at my ease if you simply called me Victoria.” “Thank you, Victoria. And I should be happier-and more honored-by the use of my Christian name alone.” The baronet picked up the reins and we were off in his coach-and-four. It was perhaps a twenty-minute ride at a vigorous pace to Merlin House, but the baronet did not neglect me for his horses. Quite the contrary.

Since one could still see how nature preened itself even during the hour of dusk, Sir Lawrence pointed out to me some of the more vivid historical aspects of this part of Sussex. There, for example, was Marcy's Oak, a vastness of a tree, from one of whose sturdy limbs Raymond Marcy had been hanged in 1723 when the outraged citizenry of the district whom Marcy represented in Parliament discovered he was additionally lining his pockets with a moonlit and nonmoonlit career as a highwayman in Essex. The brief bridge they were crossing over at the moment, Sir Lawrence commented, was tarried at by no less a personage than Chaucer, on his journey from Brighton to London, who had written immortal couplets about it-rendered somewhat more mortal by the fact that the manuscript, titled Henry-the-Ghost's Navigaunt Crossing, had been irretrievably lost because one of his mistresses, a Lady Surcom, leaving London for a visit to Edinburgh, had been incensed that Chaucer refused to accompany her, and she had thereupon torn to unidentifiable pieces the very manuscript Chaucer had presented her with after returning from Brighton. “I suppose that taught Chaucer a lesson,” I said. “Well,” Sir Lawrence said, “we have no record of the poet thereafter giving any of his manuscripts to his succeeding mistresses.” “I suggest that the good Lady Surcom was not incensed because Chaucer refused to go with her so much as she might have been angered over the years that other mistresses had preceded her and that she would be superseded herself.” “I would venture to say,” the baronet told me, “that you, Victoria, would not be such a stickler for what, by a euphemism, might be called the pseudovirtuous.” One of Sir Lawrence's gray locks fell over his forehead and thereby enchanted me-the presumably open-faced boyishness of the baronet's countenance mingling with the subtlety and power showing there as well, would have, before the advent of Hugh Kinsteares, shaken me to my figurative balls-which I had released to Hugh. Now I was not shaken in the slightest, but there was, encouragingly, the faintest tingle at my fingertips which was, discouragingly, something of a distance from my heart. “I am not a stickler for virtue, Lawrence, pseudo or otherwise. On the other hand, if I am enticed to a scene of passion and happen to change my mind, I do not expect my escort to restrain me if I choose noninvolvement.” “Indeed,” the baronet said flatly.

“Indeed,” I said quite firmly. “One should not dream of behaving otherwise,” Sir Lawrence said. “It would be an insult redeemable only on the field of honor. Who-I speak entirely theoretically-would seek to create a duel to settle the matter?”

“My brother James,” I said dryly. “Oh,” he said. “I don't at all feel brotherly, Victoria. Well, then,” he continued, “perhaps I had best return you to Brighton. There's no telling how I would behave with so beautiful a woman as you after night fell-” “No,” I interrupted desperately, “I really don't want to go back, Lawrence.

You are a man of reason, I think, and of exquisite manners. Besides-”

I grinned impishly-“I'm terribly hungry.” The baronet nodded and increased the pace of his team. “That kind of hunger,” he said, “belongs to the belly and must be served if we are to be preserved.”

He smiled broadly. “You will forgive me, Victoria, if I anticipated your needs-I had my chef prepare you something of a feast. It is a kind of British smorgasbord.” I laughed merrily. I felt completely at my ease. With my gloved hand I touched the high cheekbones of the baronet. “Will you,” I said, “denude me of my gloves, Lawrence?” He glanced at me sharply. “Never,” he said, “of your gloves, Victoria.” In the sharpness of his glance I saw the end of man, but it was so sensitively portrayed that I refused to accept its import. But I was becoming restless again-we had been jouncing along for a very considerable time-I had got bored with comparing the Cornish countryside with that of Sussex. The topography of both were very similar. Sussex had more lush greenery, the hedges here were thicker and taller, the gardens were more luxuriant and the surrounding countryside more rolling than that of Cornwall's. Apropos, when Sir Lawrence glimpsed Merlin House in the distance and drew my attention to it, it resembled nothing so much as Quistern House-even to a background which included a maze. As we jogged closer it became clear that this was simply another Georgian structure. Still, these old houses often had stately galleries which frequently led to exhibition chambers where there might be highly costly paintings.

Again apropos, I remembered how my father tried, childishly, to oppress his son with the weightiness of the human condition. Mathew Quist-Hagen had said, “I had a gallery full of masterly canvasses that I and my agent ransacked Europe for, but they proved to be too much a drain on the exchequer. Consequently, I disposed of most of them for the Quist-Hagen estate. The proceeds from the sale of these paintings will be divided equally between you two, my daughter and my son. Now we will forget the entire matter.” My mother's face had screwed up to a point where she had had to erupt into tears, and the Marquis of Portferrans had crossed quickly to comfort her… The baronet's deep basso intruded on my memory. “I believe we're here, Victoria,” he said, and he handed me out of the carriage and up the steps of Merlin House where Lawrence's butler stood obsequiously, greeted his master and held open the white door. It was night, and the gaslights warmly beckoned us in. I had not been that long gone from Quistern or Hagen houses not to miss the luxurious interiors. However, I took breath in hand and moved past the butler, whose name was Scample. Then, appearing with a monstrous bark, a great Dane leaped upon Lawrence, lapping at his face with his massive tongue. The baronet laughed, “All right, Loki, I've come back and I've brought a lady with me.” “So we see,” another voice said. It belonged to Lawrence's valet, whose name was Tiddings. “But we do warmly welcome you back, don't we, Loki?” The dog paid Tiddings no heed, he was again on all fours and waiting massively and patiently for whatever his master wanted.

Something curious was happening to me now as Sir Lawrence informed the housekeeper, Mrs. Bailey, to ready a bedroom upstairs for me. Mrs. Bailey then expressionlessly informed me where the nearest bathroom was situated. I immediately occupied it and began my toilet.

The curious thing happening to me was that my scalp had begun itching as soon as I had become aware of Loki, the great Dane. The cause of the sensation was so obscurely curious, however, that I dismissed all possible motivations, at which point the itching of the scalp ceased.

I could then attend to my face… When I came downstairs, Sir Lawrence was energetically pacing the great dining room with Loki. All the dishes of that evening's dinner were on the round table.

“I've taken the liberty, Victoria, of dismissing the servants for the evening-there are certain times when one wishes to be untrammeled…” He ran his fingers through his gray hair, thereby further disheveling it but making it more appealing than ever, more boyish and yet more manly-a most peculiar combination. Nevertheless, my pulse remained steady. “You wish to compliment me, Lawrence,”

I said, “not only for my acting.” “Oh, but your acting is devilishly good, devilishly.” We had sat ourselves down and were making salients in our redolent steaks. Once Sir Lawrence had disposed of the bulk of his meat, he felt inclined to lean back in his seat and to address me with what might be called authoritative intimacy. I enjoyed the attitude but foresaw the ruinous flaw of despotism in it.

“Yes,” he said, eyeing me with avidity, “devilishly good acting, Victoria. But you know, of course, that you will never be a star…”

“How do you conclude that, Lawrence?” “There is a certain charismatic effect that the really great thespians own-” “That I don't have.” “You don't have it regardless of the sex of your focus. Your particular hypnotic has its effect on the male only.”

We argued that back and forth until we finished our repast and Lawrence turned to the whisky decanter. Loki was lying on his side at the fireplace. “With soda?” Sir Lawrence asked. “Please.” He poured the spirits and handed me my glass. Then he took one for himself and sat down at the fireless fireplace near Loki, his free hand stroking the dog's neck. “Why did you bring me here?” I asked. “Because, darling Victoria, I've developed quite a passion for you. I've seen you in the theatre half a dozen times in as many days, and I should like to rid myself of this obsession.” “If I am an obsession to be got rid of, I think you'd better return me to my hotel.” “Very well, Victoria.” But I did not move. I stood rooted to where I was standing. “What are you doing to Loki?” I whispered. “Nothing I haven't done many times, Victoria. Are you ready to leave?” “Many times?” I echoed. “Yes,” the baronet said.

“Loki likes it. But come, Victoria, we must go. I'll get Scample to bring round the coach-and-four-” “No,” I said. “No.” I hardly dared breathe. “You've changed your mind?” Lawrence asked. “Yes,” I said. What the baronet was doing was fingering the long massive member belonging to Loki, and I was fascinated. More than fascinated-my pulse, for the first time in a very long time, had begun to race. The dog whined as his penis slid out of its cylindrical enclosure-a shiny scarlet penis that Lawrence squeezed gently, after which the lubricant-gleaming piece glided back into its chamber. If my skin were like milk, then it was presently more skimmed than milk-I must have been ghastly. I could not tear my eyes away from the repeated process. Again the dog's crimson member appeared on stage and Lawrence once more squeezed it. Loki whined, and the piece was returned to its housing. The process continued faster and faster. Back and forth went Loki's hind quarters and saturated scarlet column at a dizzying pace, Lawrence's hand less and less gentle. The dog's whine rose to a pitch where it could not be heard by the human ear. I was drenched in sweat-and I tore my dress open to the bodice so that my breasts sprang out and I could offer their nipples, after I stooped down to all fours, to Loki's idling tongue which lapped at them, the roughness of the dog's tongue a savage pleasure even as Lawrence whipped up the bottom of my dress and skirts and poked a thumb into the chamber of chambers-I thought I should go mad. Gone-totally dissipated-were the faintest thoughts of Hugh Kinsteares. Loki's tongue and scarlet penis and Lawrence's thumb had completely buried the young blond lad-and I was experiencing a revival that no Baptist meeting had ever done for me. Staring at Loki's genitals, not daring to lift my head for fear I would miss the spurt of the sperm that I hoped Lawrence would direct at my face, I bespoke myself to the baronet in a hoarse rasping voice. “Lawrence-” “Eh?”

“Where's your own machinery? I want it.” “In due course, my dear. Your patience will be thoroughly rewarded. You are enjoying the present state of affairs, are you not?” I was inarticulate. I groaned. “Good,” the baronet said. I could hear Loki winning again, and then this giant of a gray-haired man chuckled, giving the scarlet column a final squeeze and pointing it at my face, upon which Loki's semen catapulted, the creamy glutinousness streaming down my features. I stood up and divested myself of the rest of my clothes, not giving a damn if Lawrence were naked or not. I secured one of the throw rugs and sat back on my haunches on the rug-I wanted no frozen arse. Then I proceeded to smear the dog's sperm on as many parts of my body I could reach while Sir Lawrence regarded me amusedly. “I'll need more,” I said. “Well, then, milady, go and get it.” Again I arose and crossed to the fireplace where Loki lay on his side, his own machinery temporarily quiescent. I put an end to that-I put an end to it because by now I was absolutely inflamed and I realized I could fuck till dawn and produce a baker's dozen, at least, of orgasms.

“The beauty of your face,” the baronet said, “is exceeded only by the ravishing loveliness of your body. We shall all here be your subjects,” he continued, “the subjects, at times designated by myself, making appropriate suggestions. Do you understand, Victoria?”

“Quite.” I bent down and fingered Loki's nonmystic maleness.

The dog whimpered a little. Lawrence chuckled. “Milady,” he said, “may I remind you that you are still wearing your summer gloves? I daresay you would have greater effect on Loki if you removed them. The bared hand and the naked mouth are sine non qua stimulants- unless you care to smoke the opium pipe. My apologies for not having mentioned that technique before.” “I know the technique-my brother had me look into a house in Soho, and I don't care to remember the pitiful people there. I don't want to remember anything now, Lawrence.” I knew my green eyes were blazing, my breasts were engorged, the nipples thereon stiff and feverish, and that my pudenda were crackling with heat. Blushing furiously at my stupidity with the gloves, I removed them hastily and tossed them aside. Then, my skull feeling like a drum beaten upon with a steadily remorseless rhythm, I sank to Loki's side, my high breasts quivering. “Loki,” I whispered, and I curved both my hands around his redoubtable prick. He gave a short light bark, lifted his head momentarily to regard me, and then subsided once again to his strange whining as I pulled at his shiny scarlet projectile, his haunches quivering and beginning to push. I brought him rapidly to an orgasm and played his hose over my whole body, with special reference to the little black curls at my groin. The next thing I knew was that Sir Lawrence was completely au naturel, and that his cock could win prizes at international exhibits, even though now only half erect, for length and thickness and sustension, although the latter, of course, had yet to be proven. But the baronet as yet made no direct move toward me. His cock's head drooped. I spread myself before him. My yoni was obviously swollen. “Your requirements are critical, I seem to see,” he said. “But I am not yet ready. I think the best thing you could do, Victoria, is to get on your hands and knees again, arse up.” A tremor shook me. “What are you going to do?” “Do stay calm,” Lawrence said. “I assure you there will be no pain.” My skull pounding, my eyes darkening, my loins painfully aching and throbbing, my breasts prickling, I once again assumed the stance of all fours-facing away from Lawrence and Loki. “That's precisely the way I want you,” the baronet said.

Then Loki began to whimper again, the sound steadily rising.

Inside and outside I was squirming with the tropics. I started to move my whole body backward and forward, backward and forward. “Yes, yes. That's very good,” Sir Lawrence said. Then, quite suddenly, something like a naming dart penetrated my vagina up to the hilt-and rough paws were sliding on my back. I screamed-horror and ecstasy in equal parts. The horror was that I understood the forepaws of the great Dane were on my back, and the ecstasy was that his cock was entering and leaving my vagina at a fantastically fast rate, rubbing constantly along the clitoris. I screamed again, but not from horror.

It was altogether from pleasure in the extreme-and I knew then and there that Victoria Collins, just as Clarissa Quist-Hagen before her, had been fashioned for sheer sexual enjoyment and that her life had been meant to be bounded by it-and spiced, from time to time, with suitable animal equipment. Sir Lawrence Terstyke went down on his own knees by our side to observe Beauty and the Beast in action. As Loki was thrusting-and he was doing so with remarkable rapidity-the baronet muttered, “Give it to her, by God-make mincemeat out of that cunt, doggie.” But while Loki was making mincemeat out of me, I had not yet taken full leave of my senses;' on the contrary, they were preternaturally keen and I saw that the baronet's lingam was in full bloom, and I could compare it only to the mightiest club I had ever encountered between a man's thighs. I waited until Loki erupted in me, like the boiling of the ocean's surf among jagged boulders, and his jism was running thickly down my rippling thighs, and then with an open hand I batted freely at the baronet's club. He roared with pain, backhanded Loki so that the great Dane slunk away, and then flung me on my back. With a cry of rage he plunged into me as if he were a butcher's cleaver determined to sever my crotch both from my torso and my lower limbs. I have never been, before or since, save by Terstyke, so thoroughly plumbed. His was the broom that exhaustively scoured my pantry, his the enormous bristle that on that night kept me in successive waves of shuddering orgasm. Again and yet again he brought me to shrieking climax, and chewed at my nipples as if he would mangle them beyond recognition. And if for a moment he happened to wane, he called for Loki and slammed the dog's cock between my bruised thighs, roaring with laughter as I convulsed and foamed at the mouth and beat at the floor in agonized bliss because the great Dane's prick was ramming me at such high speed. At times Lawrence Terstyke would pull Loki aside and himself receive the dog's hot semen in the mouth, which he would then transfer to my mouth by a kiss, or I would suck off the dog and bathe Sir Lawrence's member in it; and, if the gentleman were fading, my application would recrudesce him. I must confess that the psychic burial of Hugh Kinsteares took place on a most memorable night-my grieving frigidity was smashed to smithereens, never again to be repeated, and that the principal agency in this, at least at the start, was that powerful canine, the great Dane Loki, who had, by the way, amber eyes, like his master. Loki did turn out to be woman's best friend, and I shall be eternally and doggedly grateful. Curse a dog or make light of him in my presence, and you have earned yourself a lifelong enemy. Perhaps some women would similarly stand by a horse, but they must be more extraordinary females than I-I have many times witnessed the turgid prick of the stallion, I have been duly impressed but have never thought, except in my wildest dreams, that I could distend my scabbard sufficiently to accommodate it. Thus, while I believe there is nothing so pleasurable to the senses in this life as sexual congress, I should not want myself torn to pieces on its account.

11

So much for the better parts of Sir Lawrence Terstyke, Bart, Merlin House, Sussex. The morbid parts are swiftly if painfully summed up. While George Maytemper, flushed, as it is said, with success in the provinces, took his troup to London as Mr. George Maytemper and His Players, where they would be engaged in comedy repertory, I pleaded malaise and fatigue to Maytemper before he left for the metropolis, but hoped that he would be accessible to me there once the troup became established, which would surely come about, I told him.

Maytemper was amenable and trusted that I would recover my spirits in due course. I must say that he kept an adroitly straight face-it was common knowledge that I had consented to be Terstyke's mistress.

What nobody was privy to was that since Loki and Sir Lawrence had stoked my carnal fires, I was developing a libidinous-ness incapable of tenninal satisfaction. The onset was gradual, not sudden, and I first became aware of it when, late one evening, Sir Lawrence brought back to Merlin House an overgrown, lumbering youngster obviously addlepated and without average sense. The baronet explained that he had “borrowed” the hulking, smiling youth from one of his gambling friends, a farmer in the district. I was in our bedroom brushing my long black hair when Sir Lawrence appeared with the chap who was quite tall but misshapen, being small in the shoulder and wide in the hip.

“Borrowed you for some milking, eh?” Sir Lawrence said in an overly loud and drunken voice to the lad and proceeded to feel for the youth's phoenix through his strained trousers and then familiarly yanked at it, as though he were ringing for a servant. “Ay, that you done, m'lord,” the lad said, laughing oafishly and nodding his unkempt head, staring at me. I was in negligee and observing their actions in the mirror. I absolutely could not control myself. I turned on the vanity bench, not missing a stroke of the brushing, and slowly crossed my legs, squeezing my thighs together. Naturally the lad saw. I had put it in full view. His jaw lolled and he said to the baronet pitifully, “Pull me some more, m'lord.” I knew I had touched the primeval ooze and would be wallowing in it. It had taken nothing more than a vacant-skulled rustic to arouse me. And as I was aroused, I was descended-I could be as coarse as the most foul-mouthed slattern. “Come here,” I said to the boy. “I'll show you what pulling's like if you've got a cock bigger than a thimble.” Sir Lawrence laughed again, gently patting his own pipe and balls.

The boy approached me diffidently. His blue eyes were watery and there was a sort of whitish cottony fuzz growing on his head.

Altogether unprepossessing except for the doughy balls to be kneaded and the prick to be reamed. Indeed, a mere clod could set me afire. I licked my lips. He forgot to lick Ms-spittle was accumulating at his mouth comers. I grinned wryly- even that did not repel me-the spittle was an extension of semen. “I'll wager you an emerald to match your eyes, Victoria,” the baronet said hoarsely, “that the farmboy will outlast you.” “And if I lose?” I asked as the lumpish bumpkin gazed at us bewilderedly, one of my quivering breasts slipping outside the negligee. “I'll use you as equity at the gaming tables. If the cards come low, you will have a queue to service.”

“Done, m'lord,” I said mockingly. The amber eyes of the gray-haired man were feverish. “Get on with it, Victoria. I've never stood in the wings before. Most exhilarating, my dear, most exhilarating.” I calmly unbuttoned the boy's trousers-his knees were trembling, which only stoked me the more-and closed my sweaty fingers about his shillelagh, which my imagination labeled knobbed and doughy. But the piece wasn't that way at all-it was actually velvety to the touch, one of the smoothest and whitest pissers I've ever encountered, and I brought it out into the open to admire and hold on to as I asked him, “What do they call you, boy?” “It be Floyd Cunlippe, m'lady. I be a bastard,” he added with a sort of sad meditativeness, nodding his head gravely. I was touched, but not overly. I was far more touched in the groin where I felt a kind of mailed fist churning, grinding. I felt predatory, vicious. The clod called. Floyd must have sensed it because, suddenly, his watery eyes widened and he tried to pull away. “No,” I said. I shook my head and held on. The holding-on glazed the lad's expression because in a moment he had become very gross in my hand, like a fatted calf, and his big hips started to roll. Floyd Cunlippe had become a sacrifice, and he stood there on shaky legs. I swiftly kneeled and applied the nipple of one of my teats to Floyd's stiff white spar. “My darling,” the baronet said, teasing his own penis by pinching it gently, “you really are a prize cunt, you know? It wouldn't surprise me in the least to learn that that clitoris of yours has a little brain all by itself and has rather taken over your entire body-the slit revolution, so to speak-” “M'lady, m'lady,” Floyd cried out in an astonishingly high, womanish voice, “I be set to whitewash the barn!” And he fell back. Fortunately for him, the bed was directly behind and, as his body struck it, his priapus became a gusher and I, slamming down on him-to employ a vivid Americanism-capped him. While I did so, and he writhed beneath me, he kept yipping in that womanish register which he apparently had recourse to whenever overly excited that he was a foundling and undeserving. A foundling and undeserving, he kept repeating as I sucked greedily, greedily, as though I were an infant at my mother's breast, Louisa Quist-Hagen, the Marchioness of Portferrans herself, and simply couldn't get enough. You may think what you damned well please, dear reader, such as that I was too early weaned, and from thence stem all my difficulties-but I tell you there is nothing like the pump of the cock in the mouth, the warm semen washing away all mouth disorders, so to speak, and pouring calm, with its oiliness, on the troubled, turbid waters of the psyche. Lawrence Terstyke himself was moaning in bliss as he lay down beside Floyd and masturbated against him to a climax… As it turned out, the farmboy did not outlast me and neither did Sir Lawrence Terstyke because, on his subsequent trip to London to purchase me the emerald with which to pay off the bet, he became involved in a drunken brawl in Soho and was knifed to death. Mistresses, contrary to the sentimental bilge written about the matter, rarely mourn their lovers' demises, and I was not one of the rarities. Furthermore, I had mourned once and that, I vowed, was enough to last me a lifetime. True again, I do miss my brother and, occasionally, sharply so, but that's a special relationship and I confess I don't quite understand it. I had become Terstyke's mistress because he and the great Dane had rekindled my sexual fires, and had been one of the few men able to make a stab-if you'll forgive that play-at sexually satisfying me. The stab was now gone, quite permanently. There was no further reason for me to stay in Sussex and, as soon as I settled what I could of the baronet's affairs, I packed and was off by coach to London. I must add that Loki, the great Dane, was inconsolable, or I would have taken him with me. As it was, the beast would have wasted away-a most cruel fate-so I had him put to death. I had written George Maytemper, of course, and he had replied post-haste that I was welcome to rejoin his players at any time I chose, and that I had only to name the date and time of my arrival. He was about to cast Wilde's The Importance of Being Earnest, and he thought I might be a redoubtable addition to the players. The furor over Wilde had long since been dissipated; he had suffered his gaol term and was now a broken man -and surely we English in our insufferable hypocrisy over sex had crucified the Irishman. The least we could do, in some recompense, was to keep playing his quite immortal comedies. At any rate, as it turned out, Maytemper did cast me in the Wilde and we opened to a good house at the Tarton, the theatre he had rented for the repertory group. My beauty was such, of course, that I required no starring roles to have a legion of admirers-and I confess I was indiscriminate in my choice of sleeping mates, which means, naturally enough, I had little choice at all. I debarred no male on account of the tint of his epidermis, requiring only that it be reasonably clean-a snobbery I learnt to dispense with.

I avoided long- and short-term entanglements-I preferred the shallow unhappiness of day-to-day or, at most, of month-to-month relationships to the vicious, eviscerating unhappinesses of full-scale affairs. I had, of course, given up any idea of finding any particular man who might sexually satisfy me. I do not mean, sweet reader, that I had developed any difficulty toward reaching orgasm; on the contrary, orgasm came to me practically as first nature. What the trouble was, to put it cleanly, was that I could no longer reach satiety. No sooner quit of one climax, I was ready for a second, and so on in what amounted to an infinite series interrupted only by my vocation as an actress and my needs for food, sleep and the ineffable pleasure of evacuation. In consequence, as it is said, the men fell away from me, gracefully or painfully, like leaves of grass. Even Terstyke and his great Dane, who gave me some of the best fucks I've ever had, did not suspend my carnal itch. There were other diversions I indulged in, certainly. After all, London is London and, indeed, was. It is not widely admitted, but one does enjoy the sordid metropolitan backdrop.

One may even come to have the callous pleasure of watching homeless children-of which there were many in the great city-sharpening the edge of their already thin bodies in order to cut and consume, quickly enough, the crumb of survival. I could, too, and did, have the delight of watching the costermonger frequently pass off his inferior fruits and vegetables to the unwary-my pleasure was one of contempt both for the seller and the buyer. As a Cornishwoman I had quite a clear idea of what fresh provender looked like. Among the crowds on the London streets- both shruggingly indifferent and highly concerned subjects of Her Majesty's empire-were the Gypsies who hawked birds, snakes and hedgehogs, the last-named, amazingly, for the obliteration of the pestiferous beetle. And, if I may thoroughly confess, I took a child's delight in gawking at the fireworks at the Vauxhall Pleasure Gardens.

Apart from the infinite quaintness of the city, I was squired to innumerable parties where I danced half the night away in the lancers and the polka… It was during this time that my father and mother, the esteemed Marquis and Marchioness of Portferrans, made overtures to me to return to their fond embrace at Hagen and Quistern houses. The overtures were conveyed to me through my brother who, observing the faded elegance of my rooms at Quarkney's Course-the hotel I resided at because of its polyglot quality and its proximity to the theatre-said he now regretted having effected the confluence of his sister with George May-temper. “You know, Clarissa,” he said gesturing at the faintly run down condition of the interior, “this is simply not the sort of thing for you.” “James, what is the sort of thing for me?” He gazed at me for some time, his emerald eyes aglow, his milky skin as tempting to the female as mine was to the male -and I could have sworn his brain was rife with memory of the early days in Cornwall and Kensington. “Funny,” he said at last, “I don't think I'm sure of what is the sort of thing for you. I can't quite grasp whatever it is. I think, Clarissa, you've eluded me.

You've certainly eluded our progenitors.” “Have they sent out search parties for their daughter?” I gently asked. “Not quite.

But they're prepared to deal handsomely with you,” James said. “One develops quite a fondness for guilt- otherwise how could it be borne?”

“Point, James. Yes. But I am in no mood to be hawked to the scions of nobility. What I regret is that I've even showed them the courtesy of changing my name. What the hell, Quist-Hagen would look most inviting on the marquee.” My brother grinned slashingly and I loved him for it-indeed, for anything Jamesian, although even for him I could not return to the parental menage. “What will you do, Clarissa?” “Keep balancing on the boards-for a while.”

“Acting,” he said. “Yes,” I said. And I thought at that point I had better cut him to the living quick, as one might say, so as to avoid the possibility later on of the most horrible sort of shock, the sort of shock that could destroy, because of the love he bore me, his very foundations. If James no longer would seek to see me, potential ignominy on my account would not be Iris-or my parents', either; but I was thinking, really, exclusively of my brother. I wanted, on account of my insufferable carnal itch, to experiment on the most sordid level so that, conceivably, I might reach satiety, and I was simply waiting for the best time to dissociate myself from the theatre. As it happened, I had a visit in my dressing room from one of the most exquisitely coiffed and dressed women I have ever seen, an individual who helped me orient myself to the most radical step I had ever taken in my life-but I am getting ahead of my story. I had to hurt James now in order not to hurt him, later, irreparably.

“James,” I said. “Eh?” He was, in his elegant manner, gazing bemusedly out the window at the soot sifting through the London atmosphere. “I know,” I said softly, “what I'm going to tell you will hurt you terribly but I really do think it will be for the best.”

He swung round sharply, blanching. “What are you driving at, Clarissa?” “I don't want to see you again, James,” I said. I thought I was maintaining my control but my twisting fingers gave me away. I had no idea I was entwining and disentwining them. And their tension certainly was not lost on my brother. “That's palpably untrue,” he said in amazement. “Look at your hands.” My face flushing, I could not meet his gaze. “It has got to be true,” I whispered. “Which is something else again. What sort of melodrama are you involving yourself in, Clarissa? Are you going into hiding?

Are your creditors overwhelming you? You ought to see mine -poor tradesmen, they are so outclassed when they've neither the lower or the upper to go to, but have only the middle to mull in…” “Not hiding.” “What, then?” He was imperious, as only my brother could be. He was arrayed in authority but it was neither overbearing nor oppressive. “It's not an accomplished fact so there's no point in discussing it.” “We had better-discuss it, Clarissa, before it becomes an accomplished fact.” “I will not discuss it, James.” I stood up, my brow working frantically into lines. “Clarissa…” he said mollifyingly. “Don't you understand?” I cried out. “I've got to see how far I can go-and I can only do that alone, and certainly not with you looking over my shoulder and occasionally making intense attempts to drag me up from the gutter. Don't you understand that your loving me can stop me? and that if I see you from time to time I will feel the impact of your loving and I won't then be able to take an action?” “I don't know what gutter you're so intent on wafting away in, but there's no good reason for any of us to be in any gutter-” “Oh, my God, James.” He smiled tightly.

“I do sound like a curate, don't I? And the odd thing is, Clarissa, is that I have decided to go into the church…” I stared at him. My belly keeled over and for a moment I thought I was going to vomit. The church? My brother a divine? The irony, I thought, was too juvenile-I laughed immoderately. James, after a moment in which he looked at me with pure hatred, began to laugh too. “You will go to the guillotine-and to God,” I said, “with your face up because your collar will have been turned backward. But why the church, James? I thought you were so keen on medicine.” “I was, Clarissa. I remain so, but I think I'm a little keener on God-the care and maintenance of the soul is quite as important as that of the body, which both you and I-” he grinned-“took excellent care of, and it is through the sensual, after all, that one comes to the soul. But I don't want to sermonize at you, Clarissa-you may indeed have to see how far you can go. I should have told you that right off. I'm sorry. I'm terribly preoccupied with making the shift to divinity school-I'm leaving the technologic world to find out where God ends and man begins. I think we have to discover just where that point is so that we can take care of the gap between. If we don't take care of the gap, Mary Wollstonecroft's monster out of Frankenstein, suitably intellectualized, will say that's where he begins.” His face lightened momentarily. “We don't want that, do we?” “No,” I said in a low voice. “Nor are you taking the next coach to the gutter,” he said. “No. Seeing how far I can go may be confined to the theatre -which I've no intention of leaving for several years, in any case.”

“And you don't want to see me.” “Yes. I will have lost a brother,” I could not resist adding, “while you will have gained a sister-Jesus Christ.” He smiled wryly. “The homosexuality of the Son of God is open to some doubt,” James said, “but we are working to reduce the incest content, although the Holy Ghost is hardly fleshy enough to be included.” He shook his head. “What really concerns me now is the idea of not seeing you.” “At least till I find out what my limitations are.” “Which takes most people a lifetime,”

James said. “Yes,” I said. A shadow passed over his face. To this day I do not know if it had been caused by a cloud swifting across the sun, or by his spirit momentarily winking out. “It seems,” he said, “as if we must go our very separate ways.”

“Yes.” “Clarissa, I do love you, you know. I shall miss you bitterly. Bitterly.” Anguish crossed his face. For a moment I thought he might lose control. But he did not. An infinitely weary grace held him up, I'm quite sure. He kissed me then, full on the mouth. I clasped him in a terrible desperation and put my loins to his-I wanted to feel the lift and the heft of him. But I felt nothing, nothing. We disengaged. James had won through. I had lost.

“Please tell Mother and Father,” I said, “that it's quite too late. They may disinherit me, which is perfectly all right-I'm earning my own way and shall continue to do so.” “All right, Clarissa,” he said, his hand on the door. “Victoria,” I said. “Victoria Collins.” I smiled wanly. “Yes, of course. Victoria. Goodbye, sister.” James had won again.

12

“I preferred coming to see you, Miss Collins, here at your rooms in Quarkney's Course, rather than troubling you in your dressing room in the theatre.” She smiled vividly, the mass of her chestnut curls enhancing the serene loveliness of her gray eyes. She had introduced herself as Daphne Oblov, and seemed to be in her early thirties. “Your beauty, I must say,” she continued, “is even more fantastic at close range.” “Thank you, Miss Oblov. You said you wished to see me on a business matter.” “Quite. It's rather a delicate business matter, Miss Collins-I do so much not wish you to be encumbered with embarrassment.” “Would you like a drink?” I asked. “Yes, that would help, darling,” she said with a tiny sigh. “Scotch is what I have at the moment.” “That will go nicely,” Daphne Oblov said. I poured her a generous amount and, to my astonishment, she leaned back on the sofa and put it away, the whole damned glassful. I had no recourse but to offer her another; this one she sipped at, her tongue occasionally, with a very swift movement, circling the rim of the glass. Watching the woman doing this caused a bit of a flutter in my lower regions. I was altogether intrigued by the woman-she was a petite beauty with obviously very small breasts for which the nipples might have compensated-I didn't know. But her ankles were neatly turned and I suspected the rest of her was something of a delicacy. It made one want to nibble-but, she was here on business, or so she said. “You know,” Daphne said, “I so much enjoyed watching you onstage. You have a solid talent, darling, if not a flashy one. It makes one respect you more. Which is why it is so terribly difficult for me to talk about my business here.” “Oh?” I crossed the room to sit at her side on the sofa. I casually patted her thigh; the dimensions were modest but exceptionally springy-perhaps I exaggerated, but I hadn't had a woman in some time. “Perhaps,” I said, “this will put you at your ease.” I stroked the length of her thigh through her dress. Daphne Oblov had been keeping her legs primly together; now she relaxed somewhat, and her legs were no longer intent on being contiguous. “Yes,” Daphne said. “Yes.” She took a fair swallow of the scotch. Her gray eyes seemed to rest on the distance. “Yes, Miss Collins.”

“Victoria…” “Ah, yes, Victoria, darling.” The mass of her chestnut curls was beginning to heat me up considerably-I pictured them elsewhere. And her tongue, circling the rim of the glass…

“Yes, Daphne?” “I will go brutally-brutally to the point.”

She had repeated the “brutally” and I knew instantly that that was how she wanted me to be with her after she finished talking about her business. “I am the independent madam and owner,” she said, “of a prosperous bordello here in London-we are located in St. John's Wood, perhaps ten minutes from the Tarton. The facilities at my pleasure-house are at once antiseptic and luxurious. Two physicians are yearly on retainer to inspect my girls frequently, and none of them have as yet caught any disease whatever, and I've been situated there some three years-I hope I haven't alarmed you, Victoria.”

My expression had become stony. For more than a moment, I thought, I could suspend interest in the Oblov woman's thighs and possible teats. It was obvious she was about to make a proposition, and our fates seemed to have crossed-I had been making contacts so that I myself could approach a house of prostitution. Daphne Oblov was, of course, far more convenient and in the position, I warranted, of being a petitioner. “Not in the least, Daphne. Please go on.”

She took another swallow, lit one of those long Russian cigarettes, and resumed. “To be candid, Victoria, after I saw you in the Wilde comedy, darling, I could not resist thinking of you as a star-if not in the theatre, then at my brothel, where, incidentally, your income would be three times that of what George Maytemper may give you… I do realize the idea you may have of numberless men-possible disease-loss of status in the so-called respectable community-giving up the theatre-all these, I realize, militate against-” “Please, Daphne-I am mulling the whole thing over. Of course, I can't give you my decision now…” “Suppose I come see you again in a fortnight-is that sufficient time?” “Quite, and you needn't leave for the moment-do have another scotch.” She had another scotch, which she sipped at very slowly indeed, as she watched me in my brown study. I was thinking about my brother, of course, and my becoming a whore in the hope that that might finally satisfy my carnal itch-that after I had enough men in sequence, say a dozen of them in one night, I might not want sex at all for another forty-eight hours, possibly not for a week, possibly longer. It was worth the try, I had come to the conclusion before, so that I should cease being tormented by my vaginal and clitoridal desires. But, as I've recorded, I talked with James in the meantime and heard his decision to become an instrument in the House of God. And here I was, considering entering a house of prostitution… Perhaps I could use Daphne as a sounding board… “Daphne…” “Yes, darling?” She flicked the long ash of her Russian cigarette into a receptacle. “Does the idea of God ever concern you?” “Since He stopped being one of our clients, I am terribly concerned-there isn't a bidet in all of Heaven, I'll warrant.” Her laughter trilled forth and she ran a beautifully shaped hand through her chestnut curls. She made a moue.

She was utterly charming. I could have gathered her up then and there.

“Darling,” she went on, “I'm sorry. It's very hard to be serious about God. The Origin of Species, no matter how often Darwin might dedicate that book to God, he knows damned well he's dedicating it to a corpse-” “You read Darwin?” I was lightly dumfounded. “Do you object to an educated whore, madam and procuress? I've also read the nonmathematical essays of Bertrand Russell. And when I'm in a blue funk, which is often enough, I pick up Garnett's translations from Dostoyevsky and laugh myself silly-” “All right, Daphne. Do be serious.” She opened her gray eyes wide. “If you wish me to, Victoria…” Gamin-smiling, she lifted one leg on to the sofa as she let the other dangle. Then she rested a hand in her lap. “Go on, darling.” I chuckled. “You're quite impossible but quite marvellous as well. You've been here only minutes, really, and I've the feeling I've known you for years…” She shrugged. “There's something in you, Victoria, that corresponds to me.” “Yes-and says to hell with my brother joining the church. I mean-” I was becoming tight myself from the scotch-“I mean, never to hell with my brother, whom I adore, but to hell with his decision to be a curate-yes?” “Yes, to hell with your brother entering a convent-I mean a monastery.” “Let's stay with your convent,” I said.

“If you like-and if you promise I'll meet someone there with emerald eyes, long black hair and milky skin. Oh, Victoria -you are a darling. It's a handy nook, isn't it?” “Mmm. With chestnut-colored curls, too.” “Play on, Victoria! I don't have much teat, but what I have is yours-” “Oh, but the nipples, Daphne, the nipples-yours are big and hard and maroon, they're thick and coarse and hot-I've got to suck them-” “Not before you're without a stitch.” I grumblingly complied. And when Daphne saw me in my naked sumptuousness, her knees trembled. She told me later that if she had been a boy, she would have come simply on sight of me nude.

As it was, she slapped at her groin and uttered staccato grunts and sank to the floor. Her twitching buttocks moved her in a little pattern to my feet where I pressed down on of her childlike teats with my bare foot as the nipple perked between my toes. She was moaning madly now. Suddenly she seized my foot, twisted it, and I lost my balance-falling flat on my back, the wind knocked out of me, helpless for the moment. Which is when Daphne swarmed all over me-she felt something like an ant stinging me first this place and then that, using her neat little white teeth. And I swatted her, just as I would an ant, but she kept coming back to my swollen rutting place, her mouth and tongue circularly busy as I buried my nose and lips in her little yoni and kept an iron grip on her flanks so that she wouldn't slip her redolent slickness away from me. Within seconds our hips were pushing crazily and we were rigidly trying to keep balance-we were trying to keep on top of the orgasm as it came in to crash on our bodies, much like a surfer rides the crest of the wave as it thunders toward shore… Suddenly,, all impetus spent, we crumpled in a tangle of limbs… In a little while Daphne arose wearily and lit a cigarette. The sight of those big nipples of hers on her little breasts was enough to fire me anew. I made overtures… “You do have quite a problem, darling, don't you?” she said dispassionately, indifferent to my erotic play. “You're ready for at least a half dozen more climaxes, aren't you?” Once again shamed, I turned away.

“Yes,” I said in a low tone. “I don't think we need wait a fortnight for my decision. I will talk to Maytemper tonight and secure a release. You may enlist me in your bagnio within the month.” I shook off my shame and stood up regally. “And, for my first night there, Daphne, this is what I shall expect…

13

I gave myself the widest possible latitude at Daphne Oblov's whorehouse-I took on fifteen men, circumcised and uncircumcised, and one woman, during the course of that memorable evening, the most memorable evening, I daresay, in the whole of my life, the consequences of which dictated the course of the rest of my days.

Before seeking sleep, I doggedly sat down at the mahogany writing table in the suite Daphne had allotted me -replete with potted palms, velvet drapes and a reproduction of Botticelli's Aphrodite-and, in a journal I had set aside for the purpose, I put down the impressions of my voluntary servitude. With your indulgence, dear reader, they here follow… They don't ask your last name. I told them my given name was Victoria. Sometimes I asked for their Christian names, sometimes I didn't. My first gig was a chap whose first name was Olden. Pillar-of-society type. Said he was a barrister. Some six feet six inches I gauged his height as. He had a whale of a walloper hanging from a ginger-colored forest. Strange-he had a thin-lipped face, nasty eyes growing close together, but he looked immediately naive when I closed a fist around his walloper and slowly worked it with palm and fingers. He spoke the King's English quite properly but with a strong Scottish bias. Had freckles on his face and walloper. Felt rather strongly about me-said he'd keep me if I'd a mind to. Declined, of course. Courteously. Thanked him. And then guided in his walloper. He said he felt as if he were parting the Black Sea. On the other hand, I felt as if it were a big fish taking a canal route-and I raised and lowered my locks. Olden liked that and got his teeth into one of my large teats and shook it as a dog might-that drove me wild. I whipped my hips around so rapidly that he creamed in a couple of seconds, expressing astonishment. He said he thought he could last longer than that. I took the sting off by remarking it was I who couldn't-as I wiped his spatter off my belly. He said he'd visit me regularly. Dressed. Left. My second was a first-year university lad who couldn't have been more than eighteen. Hardly had a beard. Short sort of lad -I was taller than him by a head. I didn't fault him for it, though. Access to my breasts quite convenient. I was in a whirl about him-he was a virgin, he said.

Believed him. His rod and redeemer was thick and short and very pink.

“History of masturbation?” I asked. Agape, he gazed at me.

I lessened the shock by saying, “Come, come, sir-I know a few terms.” “I suspect you know several more,” he said. “Anyhow,” he said, “do call me Arthur and would you take care of me right away?

I've been imagining it for years.” “My pleasure, Arthur.”

“Really? I thought your sort rather have a minimum of that.”

“Not in my case,” I said. I thought his physical build odd but took it as it came. He had a standing-out type of body. His ears stood out, his chin stood out, his shoulders and hips stood out. And he had long feet. I made matters last-this was his fledgling flight, so to speak. I had him probe me with his long toes until he was as wild as I was. Then, to really turn the screw, I squatted on his face for several minutes. I wanted him to appreciate what precious viands could be found in such matted vegetation. Arthur gasped. That was his last gasp. After that he learned very rapidly. He learned he could have dessert as the first item on the menu. He spooned me up with great enthusiasm. It was then time for the curtain thoroughly to rise. I introduced his lingam with great care. It slipped out. Arthur was chagrined. “Again,” I said.

He nodded. I introduced his barrow once more. It was a good barrow- stiff against my clitoris. But it slipped out again.

“Arthur,” I said, “you are too anxious. You must not yourself, at least not as yet, initiate the action. I will do so. Is that clear?”

He nodded. I put him in touch again and I said, “Don't move.” “All right,” he said, cowed. I got a finger down there to get the balls rolling. For so stubby a stem, he had very big balls. Be prepared for a volcanic eruption and a lava flow of mammoth proportions, I told myself. I had made a very accurate prediction-Arthur flooded my ark. And he kept coming. I said, “Arthur, we will never reach dry land.” “Shalom,” he said.

Some of my best friends were Jews so I knew the Hebrew word.

“Yes,” I said, “I am all peace.” His copious outpouring had inspired me afresh. I wanted to turn on his barrels again but Arthur said his duct was finished for the night. He put on his clothes and limped out of my suite without so much as a good night. The bastard. I needed a durable magnetic needle, now! A middle-aged man by the name, he said, of Martin Tripplette, who was just about my height, with lank blond hair and a wizened face-was next. He had a bad skin, splotched with boils-nothing contagious, Daphne Oblov had forewarned me.

Whatever, I was not repelled. It would take a bullet to repel me when I wanted cock to nestle within me, and Tripplette had the kind of long skinny one that gave any kind of woman who was a woman the sensation that she was coiling a length of rope about her windlass-clitoris. And it did turn out that Tripplette was a seafaring man, so we made a trim ship and he gave me a full-speed-ahead rudder. Three times the bells in the engine room jangled, and three times Tripplette had to bail himself out. I was more than game for a fourth and Tripplette looked at me queerly. “Try and give yourself a rest, lass,” he said tenderly, and shut the door behind him. The fourth prospect who opened my door was a lightsome lad in his mid-twenties-he seemed afloat. I myself wasn't in the least fatigued. There seemed to be no end to my pleasure. But it was slipping into phantasmagoria… and that's how I'm writing it down… Lightsome lad. Jeremy. “Hello, Victoria.”

“Good evening, Jeremy.” “I don't do this as a rule…

“Of course not, Jeremy.” He was fluffy. Fat, and a ton of featheriness. I felt him and yet felt only a whiff. It was like standing on a rim at the edge of the end of the world… Richard.

Lancelot. Henry. One of them-I've forgotten which-handed me a whip. I demurred. He insisted. He was paying Daphne double for the privilege, of which I would be given a percentage. All right, I said, yes, yes, yes. My vulva lips were bulging as I slashed him across the buttocks. Blood lust-I liked it, God help me. I wanted to blot up the blood and the semen at the same time. He lay on his back, indicated his upper thighs-and then his penis. I thought he was mad-but I was just as daft as he was. I brought the whip down where he wanted it. He screamed-and sperm gushed. It was impossible, then, to control myself. I bent down. To the blood. Then the sperm. Mingled them in my mouth. And then, as if in a dream, I watched my hips thrash about after I fell to the floor-as if they had a life of their own-until I reached my apogee and I felt rent in twain, as if my very womb had exploded in crimson-creamy streamers… Neville. Reyner. Astley.

Waves of orgasm by now. I was running a high tide of orgasm. A storm, a typhoon, a hurricane of orgasm-a veritable concerto of it, my hips a kettledrum on which I pounded and triphammered the mallet of sex. Bodies. Then the bodies no longer had bodies. Just pricks.

Just cocks-triumphant, stupendous, volcanic-and finally snails.

Then, toward the end, there was this Mongol. He grumbled his name. “Call me Khirkiz,” he said. “Khirkiz, you understand? You will have a long devotion to Khirkiz,” he rumbled. And then laughed, his great bony head lifted back, his teeth big and yellow, his seven-foot height awesome. But I wasn't awed. I would swallow the whole seven feet-I'd shrink the bastard. I will tell you-I sweated over Khirkiz. He had a horse's hang. I grant you, I wasn't the size of a horse's, no, but Khirkiz could have played cricket with that bat. And he took it and waved it at me, contemptuously. “No woman can make this go down,” he said scornfully, “until I, Khirkiz, will it so.” I wanted to say pigshit, Khirkiz. But I wanted no fight. I wanted to experience a limit to my wanting to fuck. So far, and it was nearing the end of the evening, there was no sign of such a limit. I wanted to fuck as intensely as I had at the start of the night. I did everything to Khirkiz-he was a fucking challenge. But his horn of plenty yielded not-though, yea, I did lave him and stir my yoni to a froth with his mighty mace. I was indeed a froth.

I had already climaxed twice with this Khirkiz. And no fountain had as yet issued from him. I had him glide it into me posteriorly.

Nothing. Except for Victoria-salvos and rockets. On the side, my thigh over his thickly corded thigh. A position always sufficiently snug to send me vibrating into the far spaces.

Nothing. Khirkiz was supremely in control. He laughed. He bellowed with laughter. I saw his horsey yellow gigantic teeth.

Teeth. That gave me the idea. You bastard, I said under my breath. Teeth. I bent down, crooning over the Mongol's cannon, tickling it with my tongue. Khirkiz laughed and pulled brutally at my teats. I began sucking it. Khirkiz stopped laughing.

His body stiffened. But his body stiffening had happened many times before. I kept sucking. The Mongol snarled at me, “It is a monotony. I do no pay you for the monotony-” It was precisely then that I sank my teeth into the Mongol's cannon. He reared up from the bed, an expression of utter astonishment on his bony features. He shrieked-exactly like a woman. Shrieked, and looked down at his cannon, a little bloody-but then at the cataract of sperm spouting as if from a whale… I grinned. Khirkiz was very gentle with me then-and I wanted and had that cannon of his again, and again, and again '… He finally quit the field of battle, thanking me rather tenderly. But I was beyond thanks. I was muttering to myself, staggering about the suite, that unassuageable cunt between my thighs. I rubbed it, I hair-brushed it; I unguented it, I masturbated it-simply waiting for the next man. It was the finish, then. It was about four o'clock in the morning. My face was ashen. I felt bruised, beaten-but still prickly in the saddle. As the summit of the occasion of my maiden voyage at Daphne Oblov's, I took on two men and a girl simultaneously. I had asked Daphne to arrange that. I would have requested a dog to be present as well, but I felt that would have been gilding the lily. I could always obtain a dog, if that were my whimsy. At this point, further, I wanted to issue no instructions…

And nobody did issue any instructions. I wanted to find out if there were anything that could be done of a sexual nature, or that involved a substitute for actual sexual intercourse, that would have the effect of lowering my desire. To that end, for example, the girl-whose name, I recall, was Anne-squatted over my face and urinated on it. Not only did the act not repel me-it was, rather, a goad. I bit savagely into Anne's sweet arse, stinking though it was from her discharge. I say sweet arse because it was small, like the rest of her-she resembled a sort of figurine-and of a delectable shape, although her face some how reminded me of a lizard's, horned and scaly, which is probably why she had to buy her sex. One of the men-Lionel-had me then sit astride his prong while the other-Max-stood with his bull piece akimbo and on a level with my mouth. Anne again had her arse up-she was a sucker, as the American might say, for that sort of position- but on this occasion I was undulating four fingers in her vagina. Tableau. Excepting for the fact that none of us was static. With Lionel, a hangdog man nevertheless built like an Atlas, with a hangdog prick when it wasn't in erection-with Lionel I was as on a carousel. With Max, a dapper sort of man with a finely etched mustache and with suddenly astonishing equipment something like a combination of a rearing crocodile and a rampaging bull-with Max I was all but masticating him as far down as my larynx.

I exaggerate, of course, but his dimensions were indeed impressive -and fulfilling. With Anne I had no fear whatsoever that my fingers would develop a cramp. She was lubricating like a dream. The air was rustling through her arched throat like a whistle, her lizardy face a study in tender reptilian lust. From that point on the experience was a farrago of images and dialog. I remember some of them in a kind of patchwork… “By God, that's a good go, Victoria-”

I laughed and laughed and laughed. The two men were holding my legs apart while Anne was smearing cream on my black forest…

“Go on, Victoria, let's watch you a sec masturbating with the dildo…” I sweated with it, and came. Lionel sweated with it-and I came. Max tackled it and used it with incredible speed-and I came.

Anne got harnessed with it and sank in me and sank and sank-and I came. “Fantastic, this Victoria, eh? Look at her. Touch her anywhere and she'll rut with one of the velvet draperies.” I remember rubbing the velvet between my legs… And Ann's lizardy nose oscillating my clitoris… “Give her one in the arse, Max…” I shrieked from the pain but it was sheer bliss. It was sort of icy fucking, and very tight. Icy and tight. I vomited first and then I loved it. Concentrating on my teats, my big, firm, elastic, hot-nippled teats. Throwing them into his teeth… Or hers… Whose? But what difference? I rubbed somebody's prick as if I were making fire with a stick and he erupted like Vesuvius.

Anne… figurine… slithering on the floor like a lizard- and then I pissed on her, by God-and she dried my cunt off with a parched rough tongue. “I love you all,” I remember shouting-“all of you good hot rum-toddy pricks and all of you slithering cunts…” Her vagina had the shape of a lizard, recumbent… The shape of my own vagina had yet to be determined. For all I know it could have been serrated-to accommodate the saw-toothed penis… Max left.

Lionel left. Neither of them said goodbye. They simply walked out, their gait somewhat peculiar, as though something hurt between their legs. I was very tired, really. But my lust was undimmed. Anne recognized that and kept running her knee back and forth across my clitoris. Scratching my long nails across Anne's breasts and nipples. She was whining like a dog and then she shook convulsively as she peaked… In a little while she started dressing. “No,” I said. “Yes,” Anne said. “Point is that somebody like you can go on indefinitely.” “Yes,” I said.

“Most of us can't,” she said. And then she left. I was alone. Unfulfilled, I drank half a tumbler of gin, asking the walls, “Will Victoria Collins discover limits to her need for sex?”

Afterward:

I never did, dear reader, discover the limits to my need for sex. I saw no particular reason for staying on at Daphne Oblov's to prove again and again that I was incapable of being satisfied for any reasonable length of time. The furnace at the apex of my black triangle wanted to be stoked without end-I had no control over it. George Maytemper showed himself the gallant he truly was by once again exercising forbearance and permitting me to rejoin his players, but he remarked that, regrettably, if ever I had to sever myself from his group once more in the future, there could be no return. He had to have both his leads and supporting players completely dependable-which was, after all, he said, within the tradition of the theatre. I promised Maytemper that I would abide by his stricture. I consulted several physicians, of course, with negative results. I visited, too, as a matter of fact, the doctor called on by Mother and Father whenever they stayed at their London residence in Hagen House. He was an old family friend, and his name was Noel Franniston and, with his snowy white hair, he looked to be the distinguished physician he actually was. My exchange with him, after he had thoroughly examined me at his rooms on Harley Street, might be illuminating for the discerning reader. After he had seated himself at his desk and I was ensconced in the Morris chair opposite him, Dr. Franniston said, “You are remarkably sound, Clarissa. Organically there's not a thing wrong with you. Apparently your condition came about at the outset of the Terstyke affair-commencing with the great Dane you told me of. Before then, for a period, you experienced sexual coldness following the unfortunate Kinsteares demise.” “Yes,” I said flatly, expressionlessly.

'I'm afraid, Clarissa, that what we call nymphomania-which is your present state-is attributable, I believe, to a pathologic mental condition and can be treated only by a physician qualified to handle the diseases of the psyche. I don't know of any such physician here in London who could remit your condition. If it were possible-but you will not accept any help from the Marquis-I'd like you to see a Sigmund Freud in Vienna. The treatment is expensive and you'd have to stay in Vienna for some time-and it is quite uncertain, even there, that therapy would be successful.” “Your opinion, then, Dr.

Franniston, is that this is a condition I will have to live with.”

Tamping the tobacco into his pipe, Dr. Franniston nodded and said, “I'm afraid so, Clarissa…” So, I have lived with it. Painfully, innumerable times, but I have managed. The rest of the tale can be quite briefly recounted. For many years, during my twenties and thirties, I had obviously no trouble at all in having lovers-from both sexes if I had a mind to. Nor was there any diminution during my forties. But when I turned fifty-and the newspapers had me down then as being the most brilliant of supporting actresses-male and female overtures to me began to thin out. A noticeable sag to my face and figure had come about-as come about it must-and my emerald eyes were not quite enough to compensate for the failure of other parts of my body. Curiously, just about at this time of my life, I noticed what must have been a running advertisement in the agony column of one of the London newspapers-to the effect that a Lady Quist-Hagen was being sought and that she should contact at once Grantsby and Zast, solicitors. Although caution is wiser than curiosity-though, as it turned out this was not the case-I visited Grantsby and Zast. Emory Zast, his hair thinning beyond his bulging forehead, his nose crowded by puffy pink cheeks, was the soul of courtesy. He had news that was at once both tragic and enheartening. It seemed that my mother and father-Louisa and Mathew Quist-Hagen, the Marquis and Marchioness of Portferrans-had taken mortally ill when they had learned of the death of their only son, James, from a lingering blood disease-a matter I had not known about, of course, since James and I had not been in touch with each other for many, many years-and had themselves expired within weeks of each other from what Dr. Franniston had described as “profound shock.” They wished, Mr. Zast said, to exercise no punitive action upon their daughter, Clarissa, and had therefore willed her the very considerable bulk of their estate together with Hagen and Quistern houses-in the hope, they wrote, that Clarissa would marry and bear a son to continue the Quist-Hagen line. But in no sense, they added, was this to be a proviso before she, Clarissa Quist-Hagen, was to be the inheritor.

“The will,” Emory Zast said, “is presently in probate and, since the major inheritor is now on hand-you, Lady Clarissa- there is no reason why the whole matter cannot be settled expeditiously…” I wept, of course, not over my parents-who had rarely touched me physically in all of my childhood and adolescence- but over my brother James, who had become an Anglican cleric. The soul of a kind of spiritual elegance, James had never hurt a living thing-and the love we had borne one another had never tarnished. And that, patient reader, is practically the end of the tale. Victoria Collins had no further need for existence. I told the whole story to George Maytemper-he understood perfectly and, more than incidentally, felt pain on the death of my brother with whom, in their Oxford days, George had spent many a pleasant hour. “I daresay, what with the acquisition of the Portferrans estate and its titles and property, you will wish no longer to tread the boards,” George said. “Your talent, after all, is no more than incidental to your noble blood. That may be harsh to recognize, Victoria-I prefer that to Clarissa!-but it is nonetheless socially accurate. Further, of course, you may indulge your eccentricities-of which none of us are free-to the hilt, if you will forgive my play on the word. I do respect you, Victoria, for your thespian art-and I do regret that the company will lose you. Without stardom you have seen to it that many of my productions had their audience; without you, much of that would have been impossible…”

“Thank you, George,” I said. “I owe you infinitely for having been so patient with me.” I was close to tears. “Please,”

Maytemper said, and helped me with his handkerchief. “Don't forget Victoria,” I whispered, and turned to go. “I cannot forget Victoria,” George Maytemper said. And I left the theatre forever…

The fortune my parents left me had overtaken me just as I was trying to adjust to the loss of lovers due to my failing physical charms, but the new Marchioness of Portferrans was now able to buy her men for the night, month or year and, as a diagnosed nymphomaniac, to endure and indulge the carnal itch from which at no time have I had release. Relief-I concede, but that my body gave me only for small periods, at the end of which I, Victoria-Clarissa Quist-Hagen-had to have a man- or woman-or, I do confess, a dog, who may very well be not only man's best friend, but woman's. My dismay on leaving the world of the theatre, I learned to shrug off, with the single exception of giving up the opportunity of playing in a Bernard Shaw vehicle. In my humble opinion he is the greatest comic playwright the world has ever seen, exceeding Aristophanes, Congreve and Wilde. But I have not written this account to acquaint you, dear reader, with my esthetic tastes, but rather with the inclinations of my flesh. I trust my story has not led you to feeling sorry for an amoral female-I have tried to tell it with as much of the gusto as I have enjoyed most of my years. It is true that now and for all those years since the death of my brother and parents I have had to buy my favors, but I have no regrets in having done so. And it is true that Victoria Collins is once again Lady Clarissa, the most Honorable, the Marchioness of Portferrans. However, and nonetheless, and in spite of- I cannot forget Victoria! Nor, for that matter-Clarissa… FOREWORD The ethical publisher is constantly aware of his indebtedness to his readers. One of the most perturbing facets of this awareness is the bitter knowledge that too many of the truly informative, enlightening books are couched in terms which are completely understood only by the professional. Even in the progressive publishing environment of the 1960's, it is not easy to find a work which comprehensively deals with a specific subject in a manner which can be readily assimilated by the vast majority of the reading public, providing them with the basic knowledge they cannot afford to seek in the expensive parlors of the psychiatrist. In its continuing search for this scarce material, Pompeii Press examines countless manuscripts to find the very few which meet these exacting requirements: (1) Knowledgeable handling of a very specialized subject; (2) Minimum use or esoteric terminology and maximum use of terms understandable to the average layman; (3) Presentation in a fictional form which explains the essentials of the subject by vivid personalization, using believable situations involving true-to-life people. Author Burton Dixon has delved into his subject in a manner which proves his dedication to research. The many psychopathiae sexualis which are hardly understandable to the average reader can be credited for the background theme of Dixon's work. But, unlike these classic references, Dixon's manuscript opens to the average layman the basic weaknesses of one side of man's sexuality, while pointing out the perils involved in the indulgence of these weaknesses. Not only the psychological data, but the geographical and social details of this terribly fascinating account, have a frighteningly plausible flavor. From the beginning, man has taken advantage of man's vulnerability, sometimes in the interests of Science, as with men like the fictional Dr. Frankenstein, and sometimes for self-gratification, as with men like the Marquis de Sade and the Due de Fronsac (son of the Due de Richelieu). The experimenter of Dixon's story, Carroll Ventner, overlaps the gap between these two categories. His earnest desire to add to man's knowledge is augmented by his own expanding sexuality, which draws on his powerful drives through the weakness of his ethical defenses. Only a capable writer who is also a dedicated researcher could provide this story. And only his determination to reach the reader who would otherwise remain uninformed on the subject could provide the incentive to word it in this most vivid style. To witness even a fictional account of this kind of behavior, is to be warned of the dangers which lurk around us, awaiting that most improbable coincidence of events to entrap us. For this, most of all, we are indebted to Burton Dixon.

The Publishers San Diego, Calif. July 1968 PROLOGUE The racket came from somewhere just ahead of him. Carroll Ventner eased down on the brakes, gently, ready to stop at a split-second's notice. It had been a sickening tortured-metal sound, and he visualized what a serious wreck could be like up here, miles from ambulance and towing services. As he rounded the curve, he saw it dead ahead. The cab of a semi, lying on its side up against the oversized guardrails that fenced off the mountain road from the sheer drop-off at the edge of the shoulder. He braked the rented Mustang on the gravel and got out, headed for the truck, hoping he wouldn't be sick at what he might see. As he loped toward it, he saw the trailer it had been towing. It was several hundred feet down the winding road, and as he watched, it came up broadside against the guardrail, then flipped over, showing its wheels in the air. He halted, frozen in a momentary trance, waiting for the gargantuan crash he knew would follow. It took a long time, and he began to realize how high those cliffs were. Then he heard a sort of faint double booming, and that was all. He moved quickly to the cab and chassis, and as he opened the door, straining upward to swing out the heavy obstacle, the driver clambered out and stood beside him, miraculously unhurt, excepting a scratched forehead. He helped the man dig out the flares and reflectors, and set them out to warn other traffic at both upper and lower curves of the winding road, then they went to the cliffside and peered down the deep vee-shaped cut in the rock. They could vaguely make out the shape of the metallic box down there in the shadows. “It's going to cost a fortune to get that out of there,” he remarked. The trucker laughed, shaking his head negatively.

“Hell, even if they had a winch with enough cable to reach that far down, it would cost more to have it hauled out and repaired than it will cost the factory to build another one.” “What were you hauling?” “Mobile home. Half of a double-wide,” replied the trucker. “Oh, you mean one of those house-trailer coaches that shoves together to make it narrower for hauling?” “No, those are called expandibles, or extendibles, the ones that have one side that fits into the other side. A double-wide is really two separate trailers, each with its own wheels. The two halves each have one sidewall open. When the two are installed, side-by-side, they are fastened together to form one home, and moldings are used-inside and out-to hide the seam.” “Oh, yeah,” said Ventner, as he recalled something that had intrigued him in the past. “That's those units I've seen on the road, where one side is covered with plastic.”

“Right,” said the trucker. “They're sealed with heavy-gauge vinyl sheeting to keep out road dust, and any rain or snow that might happen along.” “Well, it looks as though some coyote or skunk family is going to have a pretty fancy den, if the insurance company doesn't intend to salvage that thing,” Ventner said thoughtfully. “They couldn't.” The trucker's tone was emphatic. “That was the heaviest unit; it weighs tons. Can you imagine what it would cost to snake it up here? Even with the expensive equipment they might move up here to do the job, chances are that it would get torn all to hell on those rocks when they pulled it up. And I know this canyon. A buddy took me into that area down there once on a hunting trip. You can't get within a couple of miles of that thing excepting on foot. “No, that baby's there to stay until it falls apart from old age. You can bet your sweet ass on that!” The trucker turned from the mangled guardrail and started back toward his vehicle. Carroll followed him, and as they neared the closest flare, a cruiser from the county sheriff's department eased around the curve and stopped. In minutes, the radio call was out for the towing service, and the deputy had control of the traffic picture. Ventner took his leave of the trucker, acknowledging the profuse thanks given him for lending a hand. He drove on down the mountain road, turning over and over in his mind the intriguing thought which had come to him before he'd left the scene of the accident. All he had to do was make his decision. He had two days of his Easter vacation left. He'd cancel the two dates he had, and pack into that back-country for a good look. If it was as inaccessible as the trucker had indicated, that would be the ideal spot for his summer camp. Maybe, for the first time in four years, he'd be able to spend his summer in the outdoors he loved without being invaded by the over-friendly folks who usually disturbed his peaceful camps. If he could get back in there as far as the small clearing he'd spotted from the clifftop, he could erect a marker of some sort, then he'd contact his old friend, Roger Devlin, and make him a proposition. He grinned to himself as he gunned the rented car through the straight stretch of road down the valley, glad that his spring vacation scouting had paid off. The mountain campsites he'd seen before he discovered that deep canyon were bound to be infested by crowds of tourists that would destroy the silent peace which he went to the woods to seek.

This summer, he'd have a forest world all his own. He'd be the absolute monarch of the woods all around him, for almost three solid months!

He reached the crest of a ridge, and saw the gray ribbon of U.S. 395 winding below him. With a shout of joy, he tramped down on the accelerator, then began to sing lustily in a low tenor voice, slightly off key. The date was March 28th.

Content

Alexandra Guy
A Maiden's Diary

Part One 1

2

3

4

5

6

Part Two 7

8

9

10

11

12

13

Afterward: