Law Angie

All About Her

All About Her

Angie Law

Copyright Angie Law 2011

Published at Smashwords

She was the one. I knew that since the first time we spoke. The gentle voice that came out of that demure girl struck me by surprise. It wasn’t that I didn’t expect it but it’s serene and pleasing tone hypnotized me into a trance. Each time she spoke, I had to tell myself to snap out of it without looking like an absolute idiot that wasn’t hearing anything other than her voice and none of the words it spoke of.

A week later, we had a group project. Everyone had grouped up and she was asked to joined a group. She insisted that I had to join if she did. It felt great to know that I was a part of her thinking process. One night while I was watching tv, my phone suddenly rang and I picked it up to check. It was a text from her. I never knew how she got my number but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was God bless the soul that gave her my number. We exchanged e-mails and that’s when we really hit it off.

What we spoke of, it didn’t really matter because we would talk about anything and everything. The clouds, tv shows and life. Really, just anything. Every time we spoke, I felt like a puppy with a ball. I’d get so excited and wish that morning would not dawn on us. She also managed to make me look stupid. I don’t really know if that was a good thing considering that nobody wants to look stupid in front of someone that special but it did make her laugh and I guess that’s all that mattered.

She was the reason why I looked forward to class. Even though she hated the classes we shared and I pretended I did too but I would always look forward to the next lesson we had together. It was the only time we could be that close and that quiet together despite the awkwardness. Gradually she encouraged me to study hard and do well. She was my motivation, my reason to hang on and more importantly she was my change. I wanted to study hard and support her in the future but what do I know, I’m just a kid after all.

The holidays came and we didn’t see each other for that while. Our only form of contact was through text messaging and e-mailing each other. I didn’t mind and neither did she. The both of us had enjoyed each other’s virtual company so much that we couldn’t bear to leave and I did everything I could just to get online. This carried on for a few months. We got so used to it that it became our primary form of contact until now.

New Year’s Eve came and we went out. We went to get materials for a present for another girl. The wrong girl. As we were about to go our separate ways, she received a text telling her to go to a New Year’s countdown with her friends. Not wanting to go alone, she invited me along. That was the day it all happened. The day I fought off evil monsters and had to sneak past most of them through a forest of trees. Okay fine, I’m exaggerating but if you were there, you’d understand that it was almost the same. That was the day I got attached too, not to her though.

Soon after, I found out that she was unhappy. I tried to do everything a silly teenager would do. I wished on eyelashes, stars and birthdays. All I wanted was for her to be happy. I still wish that for her but I’ll never know whether she has been happy because like the others, I’m locked out of her thoughts and feelings. One day while I was shopping for books, I saw this honey colored gemstone necklace. On the top of the packaging wrote Happiness in bold. The first thing that came to mind was ‘It wouldn’t hurt to try.’ and so without another thought, I bought it and passed it to her the next time we met.

Couple of days later, I received a text from her apologizing profusely. I asked her what’s happened and learned that she had dropped the stone due to a slip of hand when she attempted to change the material of the necklace. The stone broke on the spot. I guess this was the sign that I wouldn’t be the one giving her the happiness I wanted her to have. I never knew what happened to it after that. I didn’t ask because I was afraid to hear that she had tossed it in the trash if she wasn’t able to put it back together.

Sooner than later, her birthday came. Of course being tight on budget and living in a place where things are hard to find, I had to rely on the trusty internet. Well, it’s not really that trustworthy but it’s good enough when you’re desperate. Countless of sleepless nights on eBay and you feel like you’re about to tear someone’s head off. When everyone outbids you and you’re stuck with flawed goods. I decided to turn to Amazon for help. Bought the loveliest record players I could find, not to mention that they weren’t cheap, only to have them come and realize that they don’t work without a transformer. I had to return the fused record players twice and all I had left were old records without anything to play them on.

Her birthday was in two days and I was in a frantic mess. I didn’t want her to think of me as a bad friend. Hell, I didn’t want her to think anything bad of me. I wanted to be perfect for her but obviously, it wasn’t attainable and I was doing a bad job at it. So, the next thought was to try something sweet. I decided to buy everything she reminded me of. It might sound like a good idea but until you read what I have bought, you wouldn’t think so. The only things I could remember were the fact that she was constantly in pain so I went to the largest Watsons I could find and bought a bunch of plasters, ice pack and ear plugs. Which she doesn’t even use. Stupid I know. But hey, what was a desperate person to do?

Her birthday came. Thank god that it was a Sunday and she had to spend her birthday with her parents or I don’t know what else I’d do. Who shows up with a box of plasters for a present? Wanting to be the last person to wish her happy birthday, I waited till it was 12. It was 11:59 and I was typing the best birthday greeting I could think of and then suddenly my phone died. I swear I went into a panic attack and snatched the nearest phone to me. But it was of no help, I had forgotten her number. By the time my phone was up and running it was already the 21st of February. And that was her new birth date just between us.

Luckily another thought popped into my head for her new birthday. We loved to make bets with each other. The one who loses has to do something for the other and the recent bet we made with each other had to with baked goods. Me being me, I didn’t lose. I’d never let myself lose the chance to taste something that she would make for me. I recalled her going on and on complaining about how I should have been the one baking her something. Her diabetes inducing Nutella Cheesecake. That was what I made for her birthday.

Sounds like a great plan yeah? As Murphy’s law states ‘What can go wrong will go wrong.’ Nobody eats a cheesecake hot. Yeah, that’s what went wrong. Second, the cake container was smaller than the cake and we had to pack it in there. The way it looked wasn’t pretty, can tell you that. Third, the container couldn’t even stay closed. It kept falling apart and we had to hold it together with our lives in fear that we’d drop it onto the floor. I bet some of you don’t know this but when you eat a cheesecake that hasn’t been put in the fridge long enough, it’s really a mess. She must’ve seen the disappointment in my eyes because she couldn’t stop telling me how good it was even though we knew it wasn’t that great.

However with all that done, the search for a record player didn’t cease. I spent weeks, even months looking for record players. Google had been my best friend the entire while. I wrote down all the shops that sold them in Singapore and searched high and low for them. I got lost on some days and even had to sit outside shops just to wait for them to open. You can imagine how ecstatic I was when I found one within my budget. I didn’t waste a minute to tell her my progress and in return, I had her tell me how she didn’t want it. How I was wasting my time and money. I felt tears well up in my eyes while I read what she had sent. It felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster. The drop was so steep, I couldn’t take the blow and almost started a hysterical fit in public.

Hurt, numb and mad. It happened in that order. Those were the feelings I felt for the next few months. I expressed my dissatisfaction and she avoided me to help make things better. However, I didn’t see it that way. I thought she didn’t care. It was as though nothing happened to her and I was the only one hurting. She didn’t even make a single effort in asking me back. After awhile I just gave in. I couldn’t take it anymore and I asked her back. I asked if she felt the way I did and she told me to give her time. I never knew what that meant. To give someone time.

I promised her I’d wait for 7 months and I’m on my 6th already. One more month and it’s over. She was the only one I waited for and the only one whom I fought to pull back instead of push away. Back to the story, I waited and waited. And she never spoke a word about it. The way she spoke to me however, it made me feel like something was happening but it was all my foolish thinkings. Whenever I thought something was happening, I would pressure her into answering me but to no avail. It only ended with either ‘Give me more time.’ or ‘I don’t know.’.

Until one day she told me she felt the same way. Well not the same because I loved her far more than she could ever imagine but she said she felt something. She felt something but she didn’t want anything out of it. I couldn’t decide to be overjoyed or devastated but you can be assured that I had a smile on my face every time I thought of what she said. She told me that she was scared. Scared of how others looked at her. Looking back now, I realize that she could never love me. She was a hypocrite. All those words about how it didn’t matter when you were in love and scolding all the girls who could not take it. She was one of them.

I was blinded. I couldn’t see what was in front of me and I thought I could change everything. Boy was I wrong. Did I actually think I had super powers or something? No way in the world could I ever change her mind. So what if I wanted her to accept me? What I want would never be what she’d do. Well, I continued to wait. Continued to beg, continued to act like a loser. All I got back was her toying with me. Time after time. Telling me she knew what she wanted and then going back on her word the next day.

Eventually I stopped. I didn’t stop telling her what I felt. I just stopped asking her to give me a chance. I gave up but at least I put up a fight. This is my motto in life ‘If you don’t fight for what you want, it will never be truly yours.’ Even though I didn’t get what I wanted in the end, I still feel proud of myself. You can’t have everything in life anyways.

Though I sound like I’m over it, it doesn’t mean that I don’t hurt. I still do. When I think back on how someone else has taken my place. How someone is more important than me. How she misses that person before that person has even left the country and how I got nagged at for even passing a comment about that person. I guess that’s how life works doesn’t it? The new replaces the old. I don’t mean that in a bad way but sometimes we just need to know when our time’s up.

Now it’s the end of our story. We’re graduating and maybe I won’t see you. Maybe after you read this, you wouldn’t want to either. But either way, I just want you to know that just because you forgot, it doesn’t mean that I did and my promises will stand until I die. I love you. As a friend, an alarm clock, as a person who’d be there for you always.

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Law Angie All About Her