Alan Goodwin

GRAVITY’S CHAIN

Gravity—A force of attraction between bodies that have mass. The greater the mass, the greater the attraction and the greater the force needed to break away.

For Peta, Carys and Toby—with love

ONE

I woke at four in the morning, stumbled through the debris of last night’s fight and poured my first Dos Gusanos of the day. The tequila stung my tongue. I paused to catch a breath before emptying the glass with one gulp and wiped away a dribble on my chin with the back of my hand. Carrying glass and bottle I returned to the living room with its dismembered furniture and poured my second. There were no curtains in the room. Dad said they ruined the view, ‘compromised’ I think was the word he used. When I was young we’d stand together and gaze at the sea, he in his maroon flannel shorts, me in black togs. He would lightly brush the top of my hair with the fingers of one hand while holding a pink plastic cup of lemonade with the other. Can you see all there is to see? he’d ask. All I could see was the sea, but I never knew if that was enough for him.

Sipping the tequila now, I sat with my feet perched on the cracked glass of the coffee table, watching the rays of a three-quarter moon ripple on the sea. The light was sufficient to reveal our violence in the night. Three chairs lay tipped over, their cane legs, turned dull chrome in the moonlight, strutted at every angle. Cushions, magazines and books, several with broken spines, were flung to all corners of the room and the glass of two bottles and three tumblers lined the floor at the back wall where they had been fired one after the other by Caroline as I dodged her missiles. Closing my eyes to this scene I listened to the waves gently breaking on the beach just thirty metres away.

I bear a grudge against this time of the morning, with the night’s heart gone and the day still to arrive. This is a void I regularly inhabit. Tequila helps pass the time before dawn when at last I no longer feel as though I’m the only man alive. But I have a taste for the booze then and it’s hopeless trying to stop. In recent weeks, as Caroline and I have widened the sudden fissure in our marriage with constant arguments, there’s been the added hope that drink may eradicate bad memories. Unfortunately, it seldom does that job. Caroline sobbing, her face distorted by anger, was as fresh as if she’d run from the room just moments before.

Our fight had been an ugly end to an otherwise good day—no, a better than good day. Although yesterday had begun at my witching hour, it had avoided the pitfalls of drink, because I found something other than tequila to fill the empty time. In contrast to today’s calm, the wind was strong, hurling surf at the beach. When I was a young boy, bad weather fascinated me. Storms that forced children my age to the safety of a parent’s bed drew me to a window or, on several occasions, outside. I remember Mother pulling me from the rain and pushing me inside where she would dry me off with an unnecessarily harsh rub of the towel. There was even a time in my early teens when I thought I might study storms seriously, using my prodigious mathematical skills to develop formulas to describe their structure. However, that was all before I discovered physics, before physics became my obsession. Like so much else, storms were then relegated to the realm of mere interest, but they could still grab my attention.

Yesterday morning rain had streaked the windows, forming patterns on the glass that consumed me. I sat cross-legged on the floor tracing the rivulets with my fingers: the greasy marks are still visible. How long I was there I’m not sure, but when I next glanced at the sea, the first shades of grey tinged the sky. Dawn had come to draw my attention. I had clawed my way to morning without drink and felt as relieved as a shipwrecked sailor washed ashore. This was a precious moment to seize, so the electronic whiteboard hummed into life and the chemical whiff of the marker pen irritated my nose as I uncapped red and black pens. I was working. And in my head were all those rain patterns on the window weaving together as they ran, changing shape in the altering light of the dawn. The memory of the weaving pattern was beautiful. These days work is too great a task if I think about it: it has to sneak up unannounced in a sober moment so I never have to consciously begin. The most successful days are those when I’ve written and printed a whiteboard page before acknowledging I’ve started. Yesterday I worked seven hours without food or drink. Without once stopping I stood at the board writing, then printing, then cleaning, page after page. The equations intensified through the day, my speed dropping as the difficulty of the maths increased. On each fresh page I wrote the word ‘weaving’ at the centre and arranged the equations around it like petals on a flower. In this way I pulled apart the maths of the strong nuclear force and reconstructed it in a new way. Like the rain patterns on the window, the maths appeared to weave.

Once finished I collapsed on the nearest chair, all my confidence instantly gone, shivering at the sudden break in my concentration. For all those hours I’ve gripped the maths so forcefully in my mind that I imagine it locked in my arms. When gone I empathise with the mother who has had her baby ripped from her grasp. This is the time for the dark bite of whisky. Tequila is my sunshine drink when I’m waiting for the light; it’s not enough to fill the emptiness after work. Whisky is the only one for that task. I always hope it will fend off the ugly thoughts that want to fill my suddenly unoccupied mind.

Minutes after I finished working, Caroline silently appeared in the room with a Glenfiddich in her hand. It was the first time I’d seen her all day. Whenever she wakes and finds me working she now leaves the house to avoid the risk of disturbing me. Just after we arrived at the bach a month ago she broke my concentration by making breakfast, the scrape of a plate on the bench and cutlery on china interrupting a crucial calculation. I ended up drinking furiously and the arguments raged. Finally she left and drove for several hours before returning once sure I’d passed out for the night. When working I’m oblivious of her whereabouts: only when I’ve finished do I wonder whether she has gone horse riding on the forest trails, or maybe painted now she has mastered landscapes and produced some of her most sumptuous work for years. I gulped the whisky, reached for the bottle Caroline had put on the table and poured again, almost to the rim. I needed distraction; otherwise there was danger of my falling into a very deep pit.

Caroline had been swimming now the storm was gone and the summer sun had returned. Her shoulder-length blonde hair was combed back wet, leaving her square face heavy but still beautiful. A black swimsuit revealed the total grace of her body. Think of her painting, I implored myself. Where might she have gone to paint today, the hills behind the bay, or maybe further inland to the bush, or even the estuary in the next bay with its solitary dilapidated house where Mrs Hunt has lived alone for thirty years? How hot she would have been—no wonder she took to the sea to cool her body. I faltered in my mental game. To avoid her I took my drink to the balcony, drained my glass, then dropped it to the grass below and gripped the wooden handrail so tight my knuckles turned white. A light wind brushed my face. The beach was deserted. The sea gently brushed the sand.

‘Have you been swimming, or just washing off the smell of a good shag?’ I said as I re-entered the room.

‘Swimming, but thanks for asking.’

I snatched the whisky from the coffee table and drank from the bottle. ‘Look at you. Been trawling the beach, have you? Anybody would think you’re in St Tropez looking for a rich Frenchman, or maybe an artist.’

‘I prefer American. The French do so smell of garlic.’

‘Oh but I do hope you found someone out there, some poor unsuspecting victim for your…charms.’

‘Nice of you to have such faith in me, Jack.’

‘Faith, that’s a lot like faithful, an interesting turn of phrase.’ Drink and fatigue were beginning to compromise my speech.

‘Jack, please, have a rest. You’ve worked hard today.’

‘Whore.’

She half turned and composed herself. ‘This does no good, Jack. What’s done is done, it meant nothing—it was nothing, so why go on torturing yourself this way? It’s so needless.’

‘Good old Greg. I bet he was gagging for you after all this time. I bet he could hardly believe his luck.’

‘I’m going for a swim.’

‘You’ve just been for one. Don’t tell me—someone down there to impress is there?’

‘Jack, I’m just going for a swim. Leave it now, please.’

‘Whore,’ I hissed at her shadow.

I had lived with Caroline for seven years and been married for five of them. All of that time we’d spent in England, but just two months ago we’d returned to New Zealand. The purpose of our return was to heal the rift between Caroline and her parents, and her sister Mary. However, on the night of the reunion Caroline lost her nerve and instead of meeting the family sought the company of Greg, an old artist boyfriend. The betrayal was deeper than a mere liaison, because it denied me the chance of seeing Mary again. However, that was something I could never share with Caroline—how could I? Now Caroline bore the brunt of my ruined plans and our ruined marriage. We retreated to Dad’s bach to repair the wreckage of our life together.

I slept on the sofa until evening. When I woke the light and warmth had gone from the day. Caroline was in the kitchen washing lettuce in the sink. Holding her from behind I kissed the tender spot on her neck exposed by her ponytail and smiled with the quiver of her body. The smell of the sea was on her skin. She wriggled free from my hold, turned and held my head in her hands, her thumbs massaging the temples. Her eyes were puffy, the rims red from crying. ‘So many marvellous things happen in here, Jack.’ She rubbed my head, her fingers like feathers. ‘Amazing things that only happen in your head, things that nobody else believes a person can think. But it’s so hard, Jack, so bloody hard.’ Her eyes welled with tears and she looked away. ‘The cost to you is so great.’

‘How do you know?’

A tear broke away and ran down her cheek. ‘Because I’m here with you all the time, Jack. I see you when you win,’ she dropped her head and stared at the floor, ‘and I see you when you lose, when you just rip yourself apart and all the ugly shit pours out. And I’m here when you abuse me as though that alone anchors you, stops you from floating away to some unimaginable part of yourself.’ She looked at me again and saw me crying with her. She held my head again and kissed my cheek.

We ate a supper of cold chicken and salad with which I drank two bottles of pinot noir. When Caroline cleared up I took a walk on the beach in the dark. Ohawini Bay has no more than fifty homes and only a handful of permanent residents. Mid-week, even in summer, the place is all but deserted and I could see only four house lights. A breeze blew from the hills, bringing with it the scent of freshly cut grass from one of the rear paddocks. A horse brayed and a dog barked in reply: apart from the constant roll of the surf, these were the only noises in the night. The thick belt of the Milky Way was easily visible. I looked long enough to catch the speck of a satellite speed across the sky like a star racing to a new and better position in the night. The breeze dropped for a moment and all was still.

Caroline sat on the sofa, flicking the pages of a fifteen-year-old National Geographic taken from a pile of similarly ancient reads stacked on the bottom shelf of the coffee table. ‘Good walk?’

‘Just tell me once more, what was it about Greg that made you want to see him again after all these years?’

‘Not now, Jack, I don’t have the energy.’ She looked suddenly tired and I felt a flutter of pleasure at having caught her with her defences so unusually low.

‘What, no smart answers, Caroline?’

‘Why do you do this? We’ve had a good evening and you’ve worked today. There’s just no need for this.’

‘I just want to know. I need to know.’

Ever so precisely she placed the magazine on her lap. ‘Jack, it was your idea to come back here to New Zealand. It was your idea to put the past to rest, to, as you said, mend the bridges. I didn’t want to, you knew that, but I agreed because it seemed important to you that I make peace with Mary and the rest of the family.’

‘That’s right, your family, that was the past I was talking about, not some old has-been artist you screwed when you were young.’

‘I just wanted to see a friend.’

‘You went to see Greg, but not your parents, not Mary.’

‘I wasn’t ready to see them, Jack, I told you that. I’ve been through this a hundred times.’

‘It was all agreed, Caroline. It was all set up, the time and place to begin the healing. Instead you go and shag Picasso.’

‘Like I said, I just wasn’t ready. Now please, Jack, I’ve told you I’m sorry a hundred times, I’ve told you it meant nothing a hundred times. I’m so tired of this, please let’s finish now.’

‘Not so tired when you visited Greg though, were you? Lucky fellow, what is he now, fifty—fifty-five? He must have thought it was his bloody birthday when you rolled up on his doorstep in all your glory.’

‘Jack, please, keep this inside yourself. For once lock it up somewhere, anywhere, because, quite honestly, I can’t cope with all this again. I’m so tired.’

‘Angry, my love?’

She stood and flung her magazine at the front window, which it hit with a heady whack. She was crying again, her cheeks flushed red. ‘Yes, I’m angry. Happy now?’

‘Not really, it doesn’t give me any answers.’

Caroline raised her arms and snorted a half manic laugh. ‘Answers? Answers? It’s always answers with you, Jack, but you know, sometimes, sometimes there are…just…no answers.’ She walked to the whiteboard and slapped it with an open hand. ‘You might find answers here, Jack, but in the real world, you can’t always find them. I don’t have any for you, Jack. We go through this night after night and I’m exhausted by it, exhausted by you. I don’t have anything more to offer you, nothing more to give. Nothing. I’m all answered out.’

‘I’ve tried, Caroline, believe me, I’ve tried…but I just can’t drive the image of him on you out of my mind…’

She started crying again.

‘…and I feel so wretched, so disgusted and I plead with myself to let go, but I can’t. I can’t let go. I feel betrayed, Caroline, betrayed that you saw him instead of your family, you chose him over your mum, your dad, Mary and I think it must have been so important for you to see him instead. You just left them waiting at the restaurant, feeling like useless shits. There must be a reason why you did that, you must have an answer.’

‘I wasn’t ready to meet them.’

‘We came back here to meet them, gave up our life in England to meet them.’

‘I just wasn’t ready. That’s all, there’s no other reason.’

‘There must be.’

‘Oh please, Jack, please, I can’t stand this shit any more.’

‘Leave me then.’

‘You know I can’t do that to you.’

‘So what do I do?’

‘Stop drinking, it’s destroying you. It stirs up every ugly thought you could have. Perhaps without drink you mightn’t want to find answers all the time.’

‘Oh, I knew we’d get to the drink soon enough. You really think all this is that simple? Turn off the tap and all our problems disappear? It’s easy to blame the drink, but it’s not the booze—it’s you. If you want to blame, blame yourself.’

‘Fuck you, Jack.’

‘Is that the best you can do?’

Caroline pulled a dictionary from the middle of a line of books and hurled it at me, missing by a metre. ‘Get out.’

‘Ding, ding, round one, it’s Caroline Mitchell in the blue corner. She’s coming out fighting, ladies and gentlemen—first the dictionary, now Michener and Mailer, all the heavy volumes. Shit, Caroline.’ A book landed on my leg, the hard corner stabbing my thigh. I stood up, but before I could get my balance she charged, knocking me into and over a chair. I got up, but was knocked down again. In our grapple two more chairs went over. Once on my feet I gathered some strength. She held a footstool which I battled from her grip, smashing the glass top of the coffee table. Then she was at me again, clawing at my face as I swung a fist, hitting her so hard on the back it sounded like a sandbag dropped on a wooden floor. She groaned and withdrew, but only as far as the bottles and glasses left on the table. One at a time she threw them at me, each missed as I dodged, smashing against the wall. I reached the stairs, crouched almost to the floor and took the steps two at a time before running into the night. I waited an hour. By the time I returned Caroline was in the spare room at the bottom of the stairs. I crept past and went up to the now empty bedroom beside the ghoulish scene of our fight and slept until four o’clock this morning.

There will be no work today. The tequila tastes too good, its bite too satisfying, and so I pour my third; and I sit, waiting for the dawn, for the disconnection from the world to end and for Caroline to wake up. I know I’m a vandal, gratuitously smashing our marriage. Now for the day of reconstruction, the long slow job of finding all the pieces and fathoming how to put them back together. It takes longer every time. One day the pieces will be scattered so wide that some will be lost and we’ll never be able to fit them all together. The thought of a solitary life made me shiver: all the empty time, all the drink to fill it with and all those ugly thoughts to keep at bay. So why hasten what I fear most? If I knew that perhaps we might avoid nights like last night. I long to hold her, to nuzzle in her hair and feel the balm of an embrace. It is an ache not even drink can soothe.

The arm of land on the opposite side of the bay was just visible; the first sign that the long slog of night was ending. In half an hour it would be light enough to launch the boat. If I prepared slowly I could fill the time. I set about this task with evangelical enthusiasm.

The Winston is stored in a shed that always smells of diesel and rubber. A single naked electric bulb hanging from the central beam lit the top cabin of the motorboat while leaving its hull and the shed deep in shadow. When I pulled back the tarpaulin, dust flickered in the bright light. Fuel, electrics and engine checked out. Two wetsuits and a wooden box full of pots, with a red nylon rope on top, had been dumped on one of the rear seats. I hung up the wetsuits and took the box into the house, leaving it next to the door of the spare room where Caroline slept. She had been up after I’d come back to the house last night because the downstairs phone had been taken from the bottom step into the room; the lead snaked across the tiles and under the closed door.

Contact now could be fatal; I’ve made this error countless times. But I opened the door slowly and whispered, ‘Are you awake, Caroline?’

She had left the blinds up and the room was lighter than I’d expected. She turned in bed, her back a solid wall to me. ‘Not much chance of that with you banging around out there.’ She was hoarse from last night’s shouting.

‘Sorry.’

‘I doubt it.’

Turn away, I implored myself. Turn away now and leave the questions till later. ‘Who did you ring?’

‘Mary.’

This was a finger in the electric socket moment. ‘Mary?’

‘Precious sister Mary, that’s right.’

‘Why?’

‘That’s what you want, isn’t it? As you keep saying, that’s why we came back so we can kiss and make up.’

‘What did she say?’

She half turned, but not far enough to see me. ‘What are you so nervous about?’

‘Nothing. What did she say?’

‘My, oh my, you’re a curious rabbit this morning.’

‘Caroline.’

‘She didn’t say anything. She wasn’t there. Perhaps I should just drive over and see her.’ She pulled the covers high up to her chin. ‘Now you run along and take the boat out.’

‘You won’t go anywhere until I come back, will you?’

‘Don’t worry, I’ll be a good girl. I won’t do anything without you.’

I withdrew and stood outside the door for a moment. I had to go. If I stayed her curiosity would be aroused, turning the mocking to the seriously suspicious. I searched the house for the car keys and put them safely in my pocket. With no car there could be no escape. Taxi, what about a taxi? Her wallet was on the table. I took and hid it in the bathroom. There was no one she knew well enough to rescue her. Mary was too far away, and the chances of her dropping everything on a work day and coming to the bach were very remote. I took a bottle of whisky and left the house.

My parents bought the bach in Ohawini Bay in 1976 when I was six with money left to them by Dad’s mother when she died that year. I only ever saw her at Christmas when Dad drove her up from Cambridge where she lived on my uncle’s farm. I have no memory of her except for a picture Dad kept in his bedroom. She was a stern woman, her hair pulled into a bun and large brooch at her throat. The picture always reminded me of the suffragettes. The bach was a simple two-level structure. On the ground floor there were two bedrooms on either side of the stairs and a storage shed that could be reached only from the outside. Upstairs there was the main living room and kitchen with another bedroom off the side. The bach had been well looked after by the previous owners and although the decor was twenty years old it needed no repair.

When Mum and Dad bought it, there were just a handful of older basic wooden baches in the bay. The place swelled with tents and caravans in the summer holidays. A large pack of children played all day on the beach and on the grass paddock behind the beachfront homes. However, gradually most of the old baches disappeared, replaced by bigger, improved baches, or in some cases whole new homes.

Despite development the bay remains isolated in modern terms, any property growth prevented by the natural constraint of rock spits at either end of the beach and the hills behind. The only access is by road from Oakura Bay and then across the beach to the ramp leading up to the baches. Dad bought a little metal boat with an ancient outboard motor from Mr Cummings when he upgraded to a larger motorboat. I can’t remember what Dad enjoyed before the boat, but afterwards his life contracted to a solitary love of taking it fishing. Every holiday, and almost every weekend, was spent at the bach. We would drive up on the Friday night, a pillow and blanket for me on the back seat. We’d arrive at midnight and I’d get a soft shake to wake me. By the time I was ten it was just Dad and I who drove up. Mum stayed in Auckland.

We’d been to the bach in 1984 when we returned on the Sunday evening to find Mum gone. There was no note, nothing; I’ve never seen her since. Dad stopped going to the bach regularly after that. Even after he bought the Winston with his redundancy money to replace the old metal boat, he rarely came. All his passions died that day and he stayed at home as if that act alone might ease the guilt of not being there when she left. Perhaps he hoped to be there when she returned.

Launching a boat in Ohawini Bay follows a time-honoured tradition. Parked next to the Winston was a tractor. All residents with a boat have a tractor; some customise and paint them. One has flames painted from the engine and is named Hot Betty. Our tractor lacked such trimmings: it was old and grey. A blue belch of smoke coughed from the rusted stack on the third turn of the key. The smell of oil now mingled with the rubber and diesel of the shed. I reversed out, the engine chugging with a husky rev where the ride became bumpy. My bottom slammed into the metal seat when I rode a sunken trough in the grass between the shed and the bach. Once I’d turned, I reversed back and hitched the boat, then headed for the only access to the beach, a concrete ramp to the sand. I drove in a half circle through the gently lapping sea and reversed the trailer and boat back into the water. Unhitching the Winston was an effort and I quickly lost my breath, forcing me to rest several times before I was finished. After floating the boat I pulled it out to a safe distance, boarded and dropped anchor before wading back to shore. The exertion brought a taste of tequila riding a wave of bile and I spat half a cup of sick on the sand. I parked the tractor and trailer on the soft sand at the back of the beach, away from the greedy grasp of the morning tide. Three gulls squabbled over the meagre pickings of my vomit and grudgingly retreated when I disturbed them to return to the boat. The clear night had given way to a grey day, but as the cloud thickened, the wind remained calm. The waves were gentle and just kissed the boat’s hull.

There was no planning to the journey: I just went east for several hours, idled and drifted before going about for the return. As I plotted how to placate Caroline I drained the bottle, but I had no answers. The drink just made me drowsy and more nauseous. When I entered the bay I throttled back, the Winston instantly responding and settling in the still calm sea. Rain had come to the bay and my sweatshirt was heavy and wet by the time I reached shore. So much drink before lunch had left its mark and my movements were unsteady. I slipped when I jumped off the boat and sat back in the water up to my waist. The cold snap of the sea made me scramble to my feet and I ran out of the water. I was too cold to winch the boat on to the trailer before changing, so I headed for the house. Sand crunched under my wet boots as I walked.

The house was empty. I called for Caroline in every room without answer. I calmed myself by checking what appeared to be a full complement of her clothes in the bedroom drawers. To be sure I searched the bathroom, knowing Caroline would never leave behind her potions. Sure enough, in descending size on the shelf, the way she always arranged them, were her cleanser, moisturiser, perfume and eye drops. I convinced myself she must have gone for a walk. I changed out of my wet clothes and jogged down the stairs to go and retrieve the boat. The door of the downstairs bedroom was open and I stepped inside cautiously. The room was empty but for the old box of pans I’d previously left in the hallway, which for some reason had been dragged into the bedroom. The telephone receiver was smashed and plastic pieces lay scattered across the wooden floor. Something was wrong.

I returned to the boat and nervously fumbled with the rope and winching gear. Every few minutes I looked along the beach, straining against the ever-strengthening rain, willing a sight of Caroline in the distance. Each time the beach was stubbornly deserted. The rocks at the far end, where the road from Oakura Bay connects the two beaches, had all but disappeared in the misty rain. The tractor jerked forward in the wet sand as I pulled the trailer and boat clear of the sea before returning to the shed.

The first thing I saw was Caroline’s naked feet, the toes pointed down like a ballerina’s. Her red painted nails looked garish against the dirty concrete floor and the faded wooden legs of the chair that lay on its side just under her feet. The rope that I’d last seen on the top of the box of pans when I’d left it in the hallway was tied around the central beam just to the left of the single bulb, and around her neck. Her head was tilted forward and to the right; strands of blonde hair hung across her pallid cheeks. The gentle wind at my back blew into the shed, making her body sway slightly. I turned and walked into the wind and rain, toward the desolate and deserted beach.

THE NEW ZEALAND HERALD

Scientific Holy Grail solved

A New Zealand physicist claims to have discovered the Theory of Everything—the so-called Holy Grail of modern science.

Jack Mitchell, who has worked on the problem for four years, has just published a revolutionary science paper in which he claims his new Superforce Theory (ST) is the ultimate theory of physics, which unites all the known forces.

Since the beginning of the twentieth century, when modern physics was born, physicists have been stumped by the seemingly incompatible theories of relativity and quantum. Many scientists, Albert Einstein included, have wrestled with the task of uniting them.

‘The problem in finding a solution has been like mixing water and sand because relativity is smooth in the way it works, while quantum is grainy—hence the analogy of water and sand,’ says Mitchell.

Mitchell was raised in Auckland’s Mount Eden, leaving New Zealand when aged 18 to study at Cambridge University. He graduated with a double first in maths and physics. After several years in London he returned to New Zealand with his wife Caroline, who tragically took her own life two years ago. Mitchell again returned to England after her death and completed his Superforce Theory.

At the heart of Superforce is a new maths called spiral field maths, which allows Mitchell to describe the intricate and subtle weaving effect of the force. ‘The nature of Superforce is that it is deceptive. Look at it in one light and it’s silver, or relativity. In another light it’s gold, or quantum. It’s this characteristic that gives the illusion of incompatibility between relativity and quantum,’ says Mitchell. ‘The trick is holding the force long enough to recognise what you are seeing. The spiral maths allows us to do that. It helps unravel the deception.

‘There’s great beauty in how the force weaves and twists—it’s like watching rain running down a window. A change in the pattern and we recognise one of the forces, just as quickly it’s gone and has taken the form of another. Catching the pattern gives us a final understanding of nature and it’s wonderful.’

His theory has catapulted this New Zealander from the scientific shadows. We are sure to hear much more of Jack Mitchell.

TIME Extract from ‘Person of the Year’ edition

The Magician

Jack Mitchell’s image is instantly recognisable. Already since February, when the Superforce Theory was published, it has assumed great significance for both the scientific community and society in general. As a result, Mitchell has become a star. Fellow physicists have raced to prove him right and have been quick to point out the practical consequences of the theory. The multitude of uses range from the bizarre to the profound. Our leading scientists may disagree about the detail, but all agree that our futures will be revolutionised by this discovery.

What excites many scientists is the originality of Mitchell’s ideas. Until a year ago there were a number of competing ideas and theories that it was thought might lead to the Theory of Everything. String theory was the leading idea. No one was thinking along the lines of spiral field maths and the fundamental importance of deception. Now all the old ideas, including string, have been swept away. Francis Mink, MIT professor of theoretical physics, who contributes an article in this edition on how Superforce works, was one of the leading proponents of string theory. He says of Mitchell’s work, ‘It comes from nowhere, it’s completely left field. In ten years this theory may allow us to alter matter itself; the very building blocks of our world will be open to manipulation.’

For creating such possibilities, for changing our world and conjuring a map for the next, Time has chosen ‘The Magician’, Jack Mitchell, as the Person of the Year. Next year may be his again. The Nobel Prize seems a certainty and greater fame inevitable.

RADIO NEW ZEALAND

Report by science correspondent

We have been waiting for the return home of Jack Mitchell ever since he first published the Superforce Theory. There have been many promises of visits, but there have always been reasons given for cancellation. Now, however, he is bringing his world tour to Auckland and Wellington. The show, a multimedia explanation of his theory, has been well reviewed throughout the world, turning Mitchell from scientist to entertainer.

He will, of course, be welcomed with open arms. There are few more famous people on the planet. He is bound to receive a hero’s welcome, especially in his home town of Auckland.

However, the return may be a time of mixed emotions for Mitchell. This will be his first return to New Zealand since the tragic suicide of his wife, Caroline, four years ago. The well-oiled publicity machine around Mitchell, which toils endlessly to maintain a wholesome image, is unlikely to expose their man to any difficult and compromising public appearances.

The visit also comes at an uncomfortable time professionally. Until last week, Mitchell’s Superforce Theory had been universally accepted and lauded by the world’s scientific community. Now, for the first time there is a voice of opposition: someone is saying that Mitchell is wrong.

Frank Driesler is a scientific maverick. The son of a Californian minister, he was the youngest physics professor in Caltech history, a position he left to set up a successful computer games company called Efde. He has neither talked nor published any physics for seven years, but suddenly he has broken his silence to condemn spiral field maths and Superforce Theory in an article published last week in Scientific American.

There are more than reputations at stake. The technology giant Taikon, which stands to benefit hugely from its association with Mitchell’s winning formula, bankrolls his tour and publicity. Then there is the Nobel Prize, which Mitchell has publicly stated is so important to him. Both Taikon and the Nobel Prize committee are controversy shy but a controversy is exactly what Mitchell appears to be heading into.

TWO

The fame thing has been very, very weird. One minute I’m a Kiwi bloke by the beach and the next I’ve landed on planet fame. How could it leave anyone unaffected, untouched? What a blast, though. Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered but there’s something surreal about it. All those people who wear the T-shirt or buy the magazines have absolutely no idea what I’ve done. Everyone’s told how important I am and I become important. The really weird part is that as science gets more fundamental, the average person understands it less, but the scientist becomes a greater object of admiration and all the more famous. No one except a handful of physicists understands Superforce, but everyone thinks I’m great. The real people who do real things that make a difference to lives, no one wants to know them. Image is all that’s important. But then, who am I to argue?

Bebe and I had argued after the show. This was usual: we argued four or five times a day. It was unusual, though, for him to sulk. He sat in the car, his back half turned and his fingers lightly drumming his leg. Bebe was like a Gandhi in Armani. He was Indian, early fifties, and bald apart from small patches of cropped grey hair above and behind each ear. And he was delicate. I often thought a good breeze might knock him over and a slap with a wet towel could snap him in two. His expensive black suit hardly appeared to touch his limbs. At times when walking he looked like a billowing sail. Bebe’s father, a successful shipping manager, moved his family from Madras to England in the late sixties and so Bebe was raised and educated as a middle-class Englishman. With a first class degree in electronic engineering he’d been employed by the fledgling Taikon Corporation of the seventies and had grown with the firm as it powered through its subsequent boom years. As with many of the whiz kids of the early years he’d been retained but moved into areas away from its current cutting edge technology. He never voiced any resentment against this move, but then Taikon wasn’t known for allowing published criticism of its products or management style.

Our chauffeur-driven Mercedes pulled away from the Albert Hall. Finally Bebe broke his pose of indifference and fiddled with an electronic organiser, its beep the only noise in the car’s lush interior as we queued in traffic.

‘That was a good show,’ I offered.

He hummed a minimal response and raised an eyebrow, but kept his attention on the organiser, prodding its padded black buttons with a spindly finger.

The just completed show was the last of four at the Albert Hall and the last of twenty in England. I stretched my legs, flexing tired and stressed muscles. There might still be another ten countries to go, but as each segment of the tour finished I was closer to an end. I call my appearances shows because they’re so much more than a mere talk or lecture. Bebe had helped to develop the multimedia presentation of Superforce once Taikon had secured my signature on their considerably detailed and restrictive contract. ‘More rock than science’, ‘Physics explained in a new and stunning way’—that was how Taikon’s relentless and consummate publicity promoted the show. I lived the project in the beginning; I had to, the contract demanded that of me. (That bloody contract: that all-encompassing and imprisoning source of more money than I’d ever dreamed of.)

Now Bebe and I were sidestepped as the tech boys and spin-doctors set about their own meticulously choreographed responsibilities, leaving the two of us unconnected from our creation. What had once been fun was now a job like any other: I turned up when and where I was told, performed the show and then did my own thing. Bebe was there to clean up the shit that threatened to seep out, because my own thing had become wild and very unscientific. In that sense he was no more than a glorified minder. There was still the money, though. Endorsements and commitments might have me caught in an ever-tightening web, but they were producing more money than several thousand careers in science. According to Bebe, resentment in the scientific community was rising and those who had once fawned over my achievements were now slow to say such nice things. It didn’t bother me. There was a time when criticism would have driven me to a darkened room with enough booze for a month. I guess success and money has vanquished those insecurities. And now I’ve defeated fears of my peers, I don’t give a shit about them or their views any more. Bebe warns against such feelings of infallibility, but I tell him that the sad bastards are just jealous.

I stared out of the car window as we inched our way through crowded London streets back to the Dorchester Hotel in Park Lane. It had rained all day, turning the streets and pavements to black glass. Pedestrians, hunched against the rain and wielding umbrellas like shields, jostled each other in an endless search for space. Some bravely competed on the roads; others stayed in the relative sanctuary of the footpaths.

‘My God, this place is crazy,’ I said to Bebe, but still with no response. With an exaggerated movement I pulled a hip flask from my pocket and took a swig. Bebe disliked my drinking even though he participated in its cover-up, yet even this provocation brought no reaction. ‘Oh, come on, Bebe, I said I was sorry. Come on, snap out of it.’ I had resorted to whining.

Finally he turned. ‘I may be many things, Jack, and my God you rarely let me forget them, but I’m not some sort of cheap gossip.’

‘I know, Bebe. I know.’ I sighed and thrust my hands deep into my trouser pockets.

‘Boring you, am I?’

‘You know you’re not, Bebe. It’s just that I’ve explained myself so many times, and said sorry so many times I don’t know what else to say. Nothing makes a fucking difference.’ Bebe winced at my swearing. I always enjoyed his offended response. ‘Anyone would think we’re an old married couple.’

‘No wife would put up with your…nonsense.’ His voice trailed off into silence.

‘Right.’

We both watched the traffic for a while, neither speaking.

‘I’m sorry, Jack, that was thoughtless of me. Sometimes I just forget what happened to Caroline. I didn’t know you back then and I just don’t realise what I’m saying. Still, it was very thoughtless and I’m sorry.’

‘It’s all right, Bebe. You shouldn’t have said that and I shouldn’t have asked you to do that thing with Driesler.’

‘No, you shouldn’t.’ Peace was declared.

As usual Bebe changed the subject. ‘You know, Jack, you have an unhealthy obsession with Driesler.’

‘Perhaps.’

‘There’s no perhaps about it. Look, forget him—don’t let him get to you this way. The man is a lone voice and his attacks won’t hurt you if you just ignore the fellow. He’ll be forgotten within a week. You see if he isn’t.’

I laughed at Bebe, something he rarely appreciated except at the most opportune moment. ‘Come on, Bebe, you don’t really believe that, do you? I certainly don’t and I’m bloody sure good old Frank Driesler doesn’t either.’

‘Try and forget him, Jack. You’re right, he’s wrong. Simple.’

‘Such faith, my friend, such faith.’

‘Deserved.’

‘And how do you suggest I take my mind off him?’

‘I don’t know, take up fishing or origami, or…go shopping and spend some money, but just stop beating yourself up about him.’

‘What about drink, girls and drugs? That might help me forget him.’

‘I was thinking about something that might not mess your life up and give you some hope.’

Our car pulled up to the Dorchester. There were a good hundred people around the hotel entrance. Most were just ordinary folk, there for a glimpse of me or maybe an autograph, but there were some photographers and reporters who stepped forward and raised their cameras and tape recorders, ready for instant action.

I turned to Bebe. ‘You’re right—I’ll cast Frank Driesler from my thoughts. I’m right and he’s wrong and I apologise again for suggesting that you…’

‘I’d rather forget about it now, apology accepted, let’s say no more. Now, let’s go forth, and remember, no comment on this. We’re not at an approved question session, so nothing has been through the boys.’ He winked at me, leant over and held the door shut until the driver rounded my side of the car and opened it.

‘My lips are sealed,’ I smiled, ‘no need to worry. I know the drill.’ As I uncoiled from the back seat of the Mercedes, camera flashes lit the darkness, catching me for a split second, painting my face white and hair grey. These would be good pictures for the morning papers—good pictures of my new grunge image. The last company polling had revealed a dip in the past six months in the youth groups. My jeans and baggy sweater, and the new messed hair that cost a fortune to perfect, would be across the inside pages of all the tabloids in the morning, helping improve my ratings with the young.

The rain was a mere drizzle now, just enough to dampen but not flatten my hair. I paused to sign four or five autographs and turned to a new battery of photographers.

‘Jack, Jack.’ Two reporters broke from behind the photographers, both flashing hand-held recorders in my direction as though offering prizes. ‘Jack, just a couple of questions, please.’

‘Come on, chaps, you know the rules,’ said Bebe from his customary position just behind my left shoulder.

‘Sure,’ I said to the reporters. Bebe closed in on me, grabbed my elbow and attempted to guide me toward the open hotel door. He knew Taikon strictly prohibited any comments by me unless made at a press conference where my appearance was the product of hours of preparation. Much like a presidential TV debate, questions were anticipated and answers formulated by a select group of advisers. All I did was remember the script. Saying anything impromptu in a situation like this would be taken badly by the company executives, and Bebe would be held to account. I know he apologised, but he really shouldn’t have made that comment about Caroline.

‘What’s your response to Frank Driesler’s recent comments, Jack?’

‘Much the same as I felt about his old ones.’ I saw the look of surprise on the journalists’ faces. They knew how choreographed I was; suddenly they sensed a story and moved closer. Bebe’s grip tightened and I felt his spindly fingers dig into the flesh of my arm. He was pushing toward the door with his body now, but I resisted and held firm. ‘In fact he doesn’t seem to have anything new to say, but I guess that’s what you get when you only have one idea.’ I sensed the crowd around heave closer as other journalists closed in on this unexpected bonus.

One reporter took a more decisive step and blocked my route to the hotel door. ‘How do you feel about these attacks, Mr Mitchell? Driesler seems to be getting personal.’ Even before I answered I saw a disturbance in the crowd closest to the hotel door as minders from inside, now aware of what was happening, came forward to pull me away from the reporters. My actions had taken them by surprise. They should have been outside waiting for me, but because I never stopped they had become lazy. Great security. Imagine if the man in front of me was a madman with a gun. Bebe was pushing again and so I was jammed up tight to the reporter. I leaned toward his tape recorder.

‘I’ll tell you how I feel.’ Suddenly Bebe was using all his strength and for a moment I thought he might move me. ‘I want Driesler to put up or shut up. It’s easy for him to sit there and crap on about how he’s got this marvellously different way of doing science and it shows I’m wrong, but where’s the proof of what he’s saying? Well, I’m sick of waiting, sick of his stalling and promises to reveal all when the time is right. Come on, Frank, put whatever it is on the table and open it to peer review. Let’s see what you’re talking about. Until then I suggest you shut up.’

Hands on my shoulder from the rescue party pulled me roughly toward the door. A cacophony of questions followed me. The reporters, their appetites whetted, wanted more. I knew they would. Once in Chicago eight months ago I’d made a comment on my way into the theatre for a show. Like piranhas sensing meat, the rest were around instantly, hoping to feed on the comment and wanting more. I didn’t give them any more, just like this time; I enjoyed the tease, the moment of chaos when the controls around me slipped for an instant. Taikon’s response after Chicago was to tighten security around my public movements and then leak to the press that there had been threats to my life. Recently, though, as I’d been a good boy and there were no actual threats to my life, the added protection had started to relax. Now I’d taken my chance and Bebe would pay. He really didn’t deserve the shit coming his way, considering all he did for me in clearing up what went on behind closed doors. And there was no doubt he would shoulder the responsibility if something went wrong. Taikon might know about the parties and the drink and the drugs and the girls; they might accept it as the cost to keep me happy. However, Bebe was their insurance and we all knew if anything went public then the blame would go his way, leaving the company squeaky clean and us down the proverbial river without anything remotely resembling a paddle. Oh, what the fuck. There has to be some risk: where’s the fun without risk?

‘Well done, Jack.’

I easily succumbed to his pushing now, like a suitably chastised child. ‘Well?’

‘Well what? If that’s casting Driesler from your mind I’d hate to be around when you actually think about him. What the hell were you thinking of?’

‘The man’s a fuckwit. You know that and I know that and it’s time someone said so instead of all this pussy-footing around.’

‘Driesler is many things, but he’s not a…what you say. The company will take care of him, but when the time’s right. Jack, you shouldn’t underestimate him. He can damage you, and all you do with these kinds of comments is draw attention to him and show that you’re worried about his claims. Think about the Nobel, Jack. Comments like you’ve just made won’t win you any friends with the committee—you know how they hate disputes.’

Typical Bebe: he was so good at playing the guilt card and he was even better at knowing my appetites. He knew that, despite my indifference to the world, there was still the burning desire to win the Nobel. I might not care for my colleagues but I did care about the one accolade that meant real and not false recognition. Bebe was right, what I’d said was not good news for the committee. Now I regretted my childish outburst. ‘And I don’t suppose the company guys will be too pleased either.’

Bebe smiled that smile of his. He had no children: if he did, this smile would have been for them, but he saved this gift for me. ‘I’ll handle them. I’ll tell them you’re tired after the UK shows, you know, stressed. You’ll get a telling off, they’ll increase the security, then it will be forgotten.’ He saw the continued worry. ‘It’s all right, they won’t stop the parties.’

‘Is there anything I should do?’

‘No, leave it to me. I’ll write an apology and talk to some of the committee. You still have a lot of friends there, a lot of friends.’

There were a hundred and fifty guests already gathered in the Orchid Room, which pulsed with music and talk. Before the inevitable crush engulfed me, Bebe placed a full glass of tequila and ice into my hand. ‘Here’s your lemonade, Jack,’ he shouted in a more exaggerated manner than was necessary, but it gained the ear of the nearest five people. Instantly those standing close were sucked closer by my mere presence and those on the outer stepped forward to fill the void. I was a social magnet. Many of the people I recognised: they were always at these parties. They represented either Taikon or the myriad of other smaller companies who are allowed a piece of my pie in return for some corporate favours to Taikon. I’m continuously told how I rely on these people, but I know and they know that they actually rely on me.

I have learnt the art of navigating these parties. It is a kind of charisma autopilot. Push the button and I’m set on a weaving course through the throng, spinning the same old lines, placing the same old pat on the back; an ear to a conversation, a smile and a laugh at the appropriate moment. One eye, though, is on the women. It appraises arses, thighs and the delicious curve of a stocking-covered calf. I know so many of these women are available to me. The mere sight of my entrance places them on heightened alert, ready to meet me. Well, meet may be a distortion of the truth. I never just meet women at parties any more. Any flirtatious movement of an eye or brush of the shoulder is intended to gain an introduction or a favour. Some are here simply to sample sex with the famous, some to advance themselves, some to surreptitiously gain advantage for another—and then there are the girls Bebe has paid to be here, to broaden horizons and ensure choice. Whatever the motive, nothing is left to chance; there’s nothing involuntary or spontaneous at these parties. I miss the innocent times, the genuine and uncertain meetings, the anxiety of wondering if this might be the lucky night. I’ve given up on women with consequences. More often than not I gravitate to Bebe’s dubious girls—definitely no consequences there.

I saw two women who went straight on the A-list. Both were dark-haired, early thirties, wearing dresses that hugged slender hips and revealed silky black calves—shining paths to hidden treasure. One was a genuine guest, accompanying George Mason, but she has caught my eye twice; the other had been invited by Bebe.

‘George, how are you?’ We shook hands vigorously, but I ensured that my attention was saved for his companion. She was quite gorgeous up close. No heavy make-up needed to cover facial blemishes. Her skin was perfect.

‘Good, Jack, good. Great show tonight, fucking dynamic.’

‘Thank you, George.’ George Mason was one of the important men at the party. Vice-president of Taikon’s European division, he’s the man who signs the cheques and, more importantly, signs my cheques. Shagging his woman would be an insane decision. ‘It means so much to me to hear you say you enjoyed the show, George. You know how much I value your comments.’ I moved closer to his companion until my thigh touched hers.

‘Likewise, Jack, likewise. We value you very, very highly and you’re doing a wonderful job.’ I wondered what he might think of me when he heard about the impromptu press conference just half an hour before. Or just what was in my mind for his woman. George’s temper was legendary. Bebe said he was a thrower and that whenever George was angry anything on his desk was at risk. ‘Let’s hope this little spat with Driesler can be sorted out before things get into a slanging match. We don’t want him fucking up everything we’ve worked so hard for.’

Whoops. I smiled bravely—poor George was behind the news. ‘No, we don’t. He’s just a little prick anyway.’

‘Quite. Still, he needs to be put to rest.’ He smiled at me. ‘We wouldn’t want to diminish our investment, would we?’

‘No, George.’

‘Too much money spent on you to find out you might be wrong.’ Despite his nervous laugh the seriousness of the comment wasn’t lost. Clearly there had been discussion on the subject at the highest levels in Taikon. I could just imagine the frenzied email and memorandum traffic between Taikon’s various global offices as every scenario was considered and played out to possible end games. Nothing would be left to chance. It occurred to me that George already knew my fate if my theory was proved wrong. In fact he was probably responsible for implementing any plans.

‘I’m right, George, Superforce is the real deal, you can trust me.’

‘Oh I do, Jack.’ He spoke with some menace to remind me of his authority.

‘Now, George, enough of work. Are you going to introduce me to your friend?’

Obviously, from the degree of his wince, he could think of nothing worse. He hopped from one foot to the other. After all, George knew better than anyone what went on backstage. ‘Of course, how rude of me.’ His voice was edged with fear. ‘Jack, let me introduce Lucy.’

‘Lucy, delighted.’ I kissed her hand, an old-fashioned gesture I know, but one I felt she might appreciate. Poor George positively bristled. The perfume on her wrist was fresh and expensive. Her fingers lingered on mine as she slowly withdrew them. ‘Tell me, Lucy, who’s your favourite, John Lennon or Paul McCartney?’

‘Sorry?’

‘If you had the choice of either Lennon or McCartney, which one would you like to spend the evening with?’

She giggled. ‘Oh, I see. I think it would be McCartney.’

Pretending to catch the nod of someone across the room, I made my excuses, to the amazement of an open-mouthed Lucy and the relief of a sweating George, and left. Bebe replaced my empty glass with another filled with tequila and ice before I approached the second woman on my list. I swallowed half the drink in one long gulp. My head was entering a familiar grey zone and I was feeling mellow. She was standing alone. ‘Hi, my name is Jack Mitchell.’

‘Angel.’ She dragged on a cigarette and blew smoke to the side as she discarded her name like a piece of rubbish. In contrast to Lucy, Angel’s make-up was heavy, hiding a row of spots on her chin.

‘Pleased to meet you, Angel.’ Her face was pleasant enough with its frame of black hair, whereas her body positively simpered in her dress. ‘Tell me, who would you rather spend the night with, Lennon or McCartney?’

‘Lennon,’ she said without hesitation.

‘I thought so.’ I leant forward and whispered in her ear, to which she nodded and walked to Bebe, who stood at the side of the party watching. Together they left. I’d marked her with the smallest nod at Bebe, like a cat marking a favourite garden post.

The party died an hour later. Near the end, Lucy left with George, glancing at me over her shoulder, pleading for an understanding. She knew Paul McCartney was the wrong answer and wanted—no, needed—to know why. Unfortunately I was in no mood to ease her despair. Once they left, only two groups of guests seated on opposite sides of the room remained, slouched in chairs, drinking wine straight from the bottle as they laughed at their silly slurred jokes. Bebe was in the doorway, hovering. He sought me out and casually told me he’d spoken to some people about Driesler and it was still looking good for me with the Nobel committee. I never asked Bebe how he knew these mysterious people: I just accepted that after all his years at Taikon it was natural. I thanked him with a stroke on the shoulder, which was warmly accepted with a grateful smile, and downed another tequila.

Angel was waiting in my hotel room. She sat in the middle of a huge burgundy sofa, holding a cigarette aloft in one hand, a drink in the other and her legs crossed, jigging her airborne foot to a secret tune. The sofa cushions were soft and she’d sunk deep, pulling her already short skirt higher to reveal a stocking top. She acknowledged me with a professionally indifferent nod and took a long pull on her cigarette. Without speaking I pulled a small bag of coke from a case in the wardrobe. We did two lines each off the glass-topped coffee table. I didn’t need to ask her agreement; Bebe would have ensured her willingness before issuing an invitation to the party. After so much drink, the coke was a bomb.

We had sex three times. I don’t make love now; I have sex. I do it because it’s there, just something else to fill the emptiness. I once saw a nature programme about some monkeys that engaged in constant and meaningless shagging. The males were at it constantly, copulating with total indifference that verged on boredom. And the males groomed their mates at the same time. Hips pumping, they would remove a flea and munch away. That’s how I am now: I just go through the motions. There was no excitement with Angel; in fact there never seems to be excitement with any woman these days. The joy is in the anticipation, the knowledge that I can have sex with no consequences and no effort.

I’d forgotten Angel’s name by the following morning. Such a situation should call for some cunning and guile, but I was past such a pantomime. ‘What’s your name?’ I asked, without opening an eye to protect me from the pain nesting in my head after the drink and drugs.

She moved a bony knee into my back. ‘Angel.’ Her voice cracked from thousands of cigarettes and a dry mouth.

‘Real or professional?’

‘Didn’t worry you last night.’ She shifted sharply to find some yearned for comfort and grunted when it eluded her. ‘Shit, my head is thumping, that coke was some shit.’ The bed wobbled as she levered herself to her feet. It took several attempts to find her balance and she groaned when she took her first steps. ‘God, I need a piss.’

‘Classy.’

‘That didn’t worry you last night either.’

‘You got your rewards.’

‘Sure,’ she said with heavy sarcasm.

She walked around the corner of the bed and into view as I finally prised open my eyes. ‘Smart prick,’ she muttered in my general direction. I watched her pad her way to the bathroom, her feet lazily scuffing the thick pile of the carpet. She was slim and tall, but with enough flesh on her thighs and hips to nicely round her body. The skin of her buttocks was translucent, as though the tougher brown skin of her back was rubbed away by the demands of her job. Briefly she half turned as she struggled to find a light switch on the inside bathroom wall. I closed my eyes; not wanting to see what I suspected would be a face considerably less attractive than it had been in the soft lying light of the evening.

Several minutes later, accompanied by a toilet flush, she returned. Her breasts were heavy and swung in time to her walk. She slipped into bed and put her hands between my legs. I’m not much of a morning man, but I answered her invitation and entered a well-known and well-worn place.

Afterwards Angel propped herself up with a pillow, pulled the sheet up to her chin, which was a strange shyness given all we’d done, and lit her first cigarette of the day. What dedication to her profession: a fuck before a fag. Impressive. She took an enormous drag and blew out smoke like a geyser. Inevitably she coughed and then sighed with the relief of the nicotine. ‘So how come you haven’t married again?’ She spoke as she exhaled her second drag. This time smoke chugged out in little puffs on her words.

This was a conversation I wanted to avoid. ‘Just haven’t.’

‘Afraid of the commitment? Is that why you spend your time with girls like me?’

‘Something like that.’

‘Why did your wife kill herself?’

‘Sorry?’

‘I read about her in a Times article.’ She saw my look and rolled her eyes. ‘What’s with the surprise, the fact I read the Times or that I can read at all?’

‘Point taken.’

‘It said she hung herself. Why did she do that?’

‘I don’t know. Let’s forget this now, shall we?’

‘People don’t just hang themselves. There had to be a reason for her to do such an extreme thing.’

‘I don’t want to talk about this, Angel.’

‘Did she leave a note?’

‘Life isn’t like the movies. No, she didn’t leave a note.’

‘And there wasn’t a hint of what had gone wrong in her life?’

‘Look, she left no note, she said nothing, she had no fucking reason to kill herself, but she did—she hung herself and she left me alone. Satisfied? Now let’s move on.’

Angel took one long last drag of her cigarette and stubbed it meticulously in the glass ashtray, making sure nothing was left burning, and then she lay back and stared at the ceiling. ‘You blame her, don’t you?’

‘What? What the fuck are you talking about?’

‘You’ve no idea what went wrong for her, you don’t understand, so instead of facing up to the hard questions, you just blame her for leaving you alone. How self-centred is that?’

‘You know nothing about my wife, or about me. Don’t presume to understand.’

She got out of bed and gathered her scattered clothes, remaining silent until she reached the bathroom door. ‘I understand all right, Jack. I understand completely. And, what’s worse, I’m right but you can’t even admit it.’

‘That’s enough.’

‘Did you ever stop to think that perhaps, just perhaps, her death did have something to do with you? Stop blaming her, look in the mirror.’ She shut the bathroom door.

‘Too bloody right I blame her,’ I shouted at the closed door. ‘It’s her bloody fault for leaving me alone.’

What a relief once she’d gone. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciated her time, but I could have done without the free self-help session. And worse, she had forced the impending return to New Zealand to the front of my mind. So many demons awaited me at home, I’d need feet as well as hands to count them. Perhaps there was a way out. I’d avoided going back twice before, so maybe there was a chance again.

Bebe was with me just a minute after Angel left. I’m sure he waited just down the corridor so he could get to me immediately. He always had a key for my room, but had yet to enter when I still had a girl with me. Perhaps he bugged the room: I’d put nothing past Taikon. He was clutching newspapers, laptop and a notebook. We discussed the day’s schedule as I washed and dressed and read the papers together as we always did. The tabloids had had some fun with my comments of the night before. Bebe muttered as he read, making the occasional note, but when finished he told me he was still sure the committee was on side. He had also spoken to those who mattered at Taikon, including George, who I hoped enjoyed his night with Amanda. The message was that they were far from pleased and as expected there would be tightened security, but that was the likely extent of the repercussions.

I tentatively suggested to Bebe that I postpone the trip to New Zealand and concentrate on a more measured response to Driesler, but the company had already discussed and discounted such an idea. It was agreed that a return to my home country with all the positive press it would attract far outweighed any other consideration.

‘I know it’s going to be hard for you going back, Jack, but it’s time you faced up to what happened.’

‘I suppose so.’

There was no stopping it now. I was going home. Shit.

THE TIMES

Editorial

This newspaper has always supported and admired Jack Mitchell. At a time when science and what we might term normal society are growing further apart, Mitchell has succeeded better than anyone in bridging the gap. The scientific enterprise at times appears incomprehensible to the average person, a dangerous divide as we engage in debates about GE, stem cell research and cloning. Mitchell’s own Superforce theory is built on maths that no one with anything less than a university degree can hope to understand. This carries many dangers, given the importance of the theory and the new technologies it may produce. How important, then, that, with his current show, Mitchell should try to explain not only his theory, but also science generally, in a way we can understand. As science continues to shape our world it is essential we grasp its fundamental concepts. What a shame that Mitchell has let himself and his great enterprise of popularising science down. The kind of gutter-sniping he has engaged in with Frank Driesler is really beneath him. We hope that this is an isolated incident and that as he returns to New Zealand with his tour he concentrates on what he does best.

THREE

From the moment the automatic doors of the airport open to suck me inside, I’m directed by computer chips. They ensure I sit in the correct seat on the correct plane, send my bags to the correct baggage train and guide me to the correct gate. Throughout my stay in the airport, machines and electronics control my every move. The airport is technology in critical mass. And wherever there’s technology there’s rampant consumerism.

Once upon a time you could only buy a paperback and a bottle of whisky, but now airports mimic malls with their dominating brand names and Hollywood faces selling beauty to the ugly by image and sex appeal alone. When baggage allowances restrict my luggage space, I’m presented with an unlimited choice of items for which I have no room.

I also dislike airport architecture. Actually, I loathe airport architecture. It’s just plastic and steel merged into award-winning designs, temples to modern technologies the way railway stations were to a bygone age. Give me the solid protection of those bricks any day; there’s something about modern buildings that give the impression of imminent collapse.

You’d think I’d be happy to leave the airport, but it only means entering an even worse place, the plane. Flying freaks me out. I often ask myself why I’m afraid of something so wondrous. Often I’ve watched birds and imagined the exhilaration of swooping and banking, of the wind against my face and my stomach in my throat with the bare-arsed excitement of it all. But we aren’t designed to fly. My only thrill in a plane is relief at avoiding a seat next to the fat sod I’ve suspiciously eyed in the lounge or the screaming kid who’s wheeled a toy between my feet.

And it amazes me how much a plane can shake on take-off without actually falling apart. Far from feeling as though I’m sitting in a state-of-the-art machine, I might as well be on the number 58 bus on its way to town. Perhaps this is why I really hate flying: it’s the overwhelming fear of, well, of dying. When I’m about to spend the next twenty-four hours in a machine half the size of a rugby field, suspended ten thousand metres above the ground, I don’t want to feel the thing creaking and groaning before it’s gone anywhere. And then when the shaking gives way to something approaching smooth flight, there’s that moment when the plane feels as though it’s about to drop out of the sky. I spend the entire flight thinking I’m never more than two seconds from extinction.

I made the mistake of sharing these thoughts with Bebe. He was unsympathetic, probably because he’d heard it all before. All he could offer me was the suggestion that I do some work. Now that was a novel thought, an original concept. What work is there left for me to do? I mean, come on, what do I do as an encore to the Theory of Everything? Really, I’ve done myself out of a job, done away with any further interest in physics. All that’s left is bits and pieces, some mopping up here and there. When you’ve eaten the most succulent of meats, who eats the scrag-end? I haven’t done a thing for six months and can see no point in starting now. So what else is there to do on a plane to distract from the slightest change in engine tone that signals decompression and an imminent fatal dive? Drink. It amazes me how much I can drink in twenty-four hours when there’s nothing else to interrupt the rhythm. By the time we crossed the blue waters of the Manukau Harbour and dropped out of an Auckland dawn, I was fucked. Customs and passport control came and went without registering. During the drive from the airport to the city Hilton, I slept.

It was mid-afternoon when I woke with a category one hangover that burnt every contour of my head and hurt most parts of my body simultaneously. Category ones were rare, but like migraines they were at times irresistible, and fighting them was useless. Total surrender was the only option. To be honest, that suited me. As soon as I woke I felt an uncomfortable feeling of doom, that as soon as I stepped from the hotel I’d be mugged by the unpleasant ghosts of my past. In the room, protected by my mega headache, I felt the demons excluded. Only Bebe could gain access, which he did, politely, in the late afternoon.

‘Will you look at this?’ He waved an email in the air as though swatting flies. He was obnoxiously happy, and my grunt of half acknowledgment was not enough. ‘It’s really rather wonderful for you.’

‘Really?’

‘Quite amazing.’

I rolled over to face him. For a moment I felt as though I’d left my head in its old position and it took several seconds for it to catch up with the rest of my body. ‘All right, Bebe, I give in. What is it you’ve got there?’ I tried lifting my head, but failed and let it settle again on the soft pillow.

‘You have an invitation, Jack.’ He danced a little jig. ‘You shall go to the ball, Cinders.’

‘Bebe, please, I know you love the pantomime, but just tell me and then let me go back to sleep.’

‘Your old school is having a class reunion tonight and you’ve been invited. They arranged it for tonight especially so you could go. They’ve been in liaison with Taikon’s New Zealand office. Isn’t that wonderful?’

‘It would be if I was going. And by the way, Bebe, great security from the office here—these people could be anyone, and they get hold of my itinerary.’

Bebe pulled out a chair from under the desk and sat down next to my bed. He lowered his head and rubbed its bald top. I recognised this type of silence. Again I attempted to rise from the cushioned safety of my pillow, succeeding this time in propping up my throbbing head with a hand. I didn’t need to ask the question, I knew the answer from the silence and rub of the head, but confirmation is always better than ignorance. ‘You’ve already accepted, haven’t you?’

‘Yes,’ he said without raising his head.

‘Bebe, I don’t want to go. In fact it’s the last thing I want to do.’

‘Why?’

‘Because there will be people, well a person, there I don’t want to meet. Actually if I waited a hundred years it would still be too soon for us to see each other again.’

‘Who?’

‘Mary—Caroline’s sister.’

‘You went to school with Caroline’s sister?’

‘Yes.’

‘Does she feel the same about you?’

‘Most definitely.’

‘Then maybe she’ll stay away if she knows you are going to be there.’

‘No, she’ll be there. She won’t talk to me, but she’ll be there, like a one-woman vigil of dislike. The urge to see me suffer that embarrassment will be far too strong. And I don’t want that so wave your wand, Bebe, and undo what you’ve done. I can sleep, I can eat, I can drink and I can sleep some more. Tomorrow I do the show, then I go to Wellington, then I leave New Zealand in one piece.’ My head thumped and for the first time I felt sick. ‘Is there something else, Bebe?’

‘Not that easy to get out of tonight.’

‘Why?’

‘It’s been run past the top brass. The office here wouldn’t have released the information without orders from above. London thinks it is a good idea for you to attend, a chance for some positive publicity after the debacle at the Dorchester. You know, the chance to show you at your best, remembering good times, being among friends.’

Again I knew the answer, but again I asked anyway. ‘And how will anyone know I’m at my best?’

‘Some local press will be there to cover the event. It’s a feel-good story, Jack. A couple of questions, bland answers, you know, the sort of thing you were supposed to have done at the Dorchester.’

‘So this is payback time, is it?’

‘That’s pretty much how it goes, Jack. You might not like it, but George wants this to happen and you can’t afford any more mess-ups with the company. There are enough nervous people around, what with the Driesler affair and then the Dorchester fiasco, without you causing another stir here.’

Driesler had reacted to my outburst, describing me as arrogant and prone to irrational statements. He’d accused me of being more worried about the Nobel Prize than about the truth.

‘Yeah, yeah.’ I knew defeat when I saw it; I just wish I’d done the business with Lucy. That would really have given George something to chew on.

Now Bebe was reminding me he had power in our relationship and I accepted the lesson. Silently he took the evening’s itinerary from his pocket and laid it on the end of the bed before leaving.

I needed more sleep, but that was impossible now. Perhaps Bebe was right: Mary might not go and without her the evening could just be bearable. Shit, who was I kidding? Of course Mary would be there. Mary, my dead wife’s sister: the sharer of secrets. I hadn’t seen her since Caroline’s funeral, when she had just stared and stared: every time I looked up, there she was, meeting my eyes. When I had arrived she was standing with her parents and two sisters, as though joined by the hip rather than by genes and grief. Caroline’s father, frail from arthritis, studied the ground, her mother the sky. It was a fitting symbol of the years of fractures in their marriage. Like many of their generation, they had stayed married long after the love died. Caroline had despised them for their weakness. Mary thought them noble for protecting the children from divorce. The three sisters stood like Kennedy wives, all dressed in stylish black, all with smooth black nylon calves that brought an unwelcome surge of desire. Mary was the only one to acknowledge me, even if it was with hostile eyes. Other family members had offered some welcome, though it wasn’t much more than a whispered hello. The day was bright and sunny and everyone wore sunglasses, to hide wet and red eyes. My dark lenses hid the absence of tears.

I was deep in fatigue at the funeral. After Caroline’s death and the initial burst of police and medical activity I’d worked continuously for three days. Ideas came in a flood during that strange period and I struggled to keep pace with them. Through each day and night, standing at the whiteboard overlooking the sea, I furiously scribbled, printed and erased. This was the final frontier of Superforce; this was when I stormed the city walls of the theory. The details still took a year and refining the paper nearly as long again, but this was when the pieces of spiral field maths and deception were forged. In those three days it was as though I was listening to the most beautifully harmonious music as each note slipped into its rightful place. I knew where every equation belonged and how they all worked together. The feeling brought unbelievable happiness, but it was also the saddest of times—not because Caroline was dead, but because I knew I’d never encounter such heights again.

To be honest the funeral came as an interruption and it showed. Appearances were too mundane for me to consider and I wore old trousers, a blue shirt and faded tie. It was bound to pull some looks, but that wasn’t the reason for Mary’s ferocious stare. She had more to hold against me than bad taste in the clothing department. Guilt and grief are an awful mix, a high-octane emotional fuel. No wonder she behaved that way, no wonder she didn’t speak to me. What could she say? It was all or nothing and she chose nothing. I kind of understood—kind of.

FOUR

Even with an early evening drizzle the bars and cafes of the Viaduct were full. This was Auckland’s smart set at play, attempting to impress, talking loudly as though what they had to say was important enough to be heard by everyone. The men were hard at work with the women, cajoling and pushing as far as they would go without a call to the police. Even at a glance it was easy to see those who would succeed and those who would fail. It was all in the eyes. Either they welcomed or they glazed over in the way only the truly bored can achieve. What hard work. I might fleetingly miss the chase, but when I saw it in action I thanked my lucky stars I no longer engaged in the ritual. It was straight to the kill for me.

The drizzle vanished quickly as the lower clouds cleared and a weak sun filtered through. This instant weather change occurred in the space of my walk from one end of the Viaduct to the other. I was back in Auckland all right. I even started sweating as I returned to the Hilton with its sharp white lines designed to conjure up the luxury of a cruise ship. Bebe was anxious to brief me on the press questions for the evening and I have to admit I kept him waiting longer than necessary while I changed. Petty, I know, but sometimes he’s such an easy target.

A small gathering of press and news crew cameramen greeted us at the entrance to the Turkish restaurant in Mission Bay. I was on my best behaviour, politely answering with a smile all the banal questions. Yes, I was happy to be home, yes, I had missed Auckland and yes, I was looking forward to the shows. The inevitable question about Driesler I ignored with an even sweeter smile.

Bebe beamed as we climbed the steps to the upstairs restaurant. ‘Lovely,’ he whispered, ‘that was a lovely job. Now you have a good time.’ He winked mischievously.

‘Sorry?’

‘I’m going now. You have a great time.’

‘But I like you with me, Bebe. I want you here, you’re always…here.’

‘Come on, Jack, you’re a grown man. Relax, enjoy yourself, you need a good time. I’ll be close by.’

This was an unusual occurrence, one that only added to my fears for the evening. Surely his getting me here was punishment enough for what I’d done in London. How far was he going to go before we were even? I was even sorry I’d kept him waiting earlier. However, there was no time for further argument as he was down the stairs before I could reply, leaving me stranded like a first-time actor blinking at the stage lights.

‘Jack, Jack.’ I had no idea who was shouting, or where the voice came from, but instantly sixty heads turned his way. ‘Over here, mate.’ Now in the dim light of the restaurant I could see a long table in the distance. Two Taikon security men who waited by the entrance guided me in that direction, having already determined its safety for the evening. As the guards moved me forward I felt someone move close behind me. I turned, expecting to see Bebe, but there was no one there. It left me with the strangest feeling, as though someone wanted to talk to me, but had retreated unseen having lost his or her nerve.

‘My God, Jack,’ the original caller of my name was now visible, ‘I can’t believe you’re actually here.’

‘Hello, Mike.’ I shook his outstretched hand and clumsily accepted his half-hug the way men do when unsure of the other’s reaction. ‘Long time no see.’

‘I just can’t believe you’re here. How long is it since we last saw each other—ten, eleven years?’

‘Twelve.’

‘Twelve fucking years? My God. All those good times that long ago?’

I nodded.

‘I’ve missed you.’ He paused and I thought he might shed a tear, but he shook himself free of the moment as though reminding himself of an earlier promise not to cry. ‘Come and meet the crew, everyone’s here—Helen, Duncan, Claire, Jo, Graham…’

‘Mary?’

Mike flashed an embarrassed smile. I think he would have named the entire restaurant before her. ‘Mary? Yes, Mary’s here.’

‘Did she know I was coming?’

‘She knew you’d been invited.’

‘Not quite the same, is it?’

‘She’s cool, Jack, there’s no problem. Come on, let’s go.’ We squeezed through the last row of tables and chairs. Diners moved in an exaggerated way to allow the two guards and me through. Recognition rushed through the place like a bush fire, and people turned to gaze at me, their faces shocked, as though royalty had lowered themselves to dine with the masses this one night of the year. I always feel horribly exposed at these times. It’s like being caught in the toilet with my trousers down when a tourist bus stops outside the window.

At the table I instantly saw Mary, sitting at the far end.

She looked beautiful.

Her hair was pinned on top of her head, strands tumbling down her neck and cheeks. She turned to talk to the man next to her, ignoring my arrival. Her profile was a replica of Caroline’s, the straight nose and dominant top lip, but when she turned and saw me, the moment of ghostly similarity was lost. Front on there was still no mistaking she was Caroline’s sister, but all four of the Roberts girls, despite similarities, had an individual look. Mary’s face was fuller than Caroline’s and her eyes rounder; she was more Irish to Caroline’s French. I caught her look and we both instantly dropped our eyes, neither wanting to engage the other. My heart thumped at the sight of her. I wondered how I was going to survive this evening because seeing her made me dizzy, being near her again made me feel sick and enchanted all at once. Mike’s hand gently held my elbow and guided me to my seat, as far from Mary as possible. Good old Mike, as usual he’d thought of everything. There were shrieks the length of the table when they realised I’d arrived. I sat between Jo and Duncan, who greeted me enthusiastically as others crowded around for their turn. Through the bodies I saw Mary alone, still seated, her head firmly turned away from the throng around my chair.

I recognised all thirty of the men and women at the table, although some were hard to pick because they’d changed so much and a number of names escaped me. Twelve years ago, when I left school, these people, apart from Dad and the odd family relic, were my world. They were the sum of my experience. Now look at them, a lawyer, a social worker, a teacher, some middle management, mothers, fathers and me. I listened to their talk, as they shared their stories of work and children and instantly recognised each other’s happiness or troubles. They ignored mine, though. No one asked about my life—why should they? They knew every detail of it through the newspapers and magazines. They might be excited to see me, but they looked forward to meeting the others so they could learn more about them. There was nothing to learn about me. And since I cared little about their lives since school, I found myself with nothing to ask them either. It’s funny how we think loneliness comes from being alone, cut off from home, or sitting in some shit hole of a room. For me it came surrounded by people I’d once known intimately. Only when the evening turned nostalgic did I reconnect with them. Only when we revisited our common past were we reunited.

Inevitably the old stories flowed, the ones that meant something only to us. Mike was the catalyst. He rolled down the table like a social tidal wave, initiating tales here and finishing others with the punch line. I watched, I listened and I drank. My God, did I drink.

‘Hey Jack, remember Pendleton’s car?’ I smiled and nodded. The table was beaming at the memory. ‘Remember Fred Pendleton the French teacher?’ Mike’s introduction was unnecessary, everyone knew the story, but he would not be denied his tried and tested beginning. ‘Duncan, Jack and me propped up his old green Mini on bricks and took off the wheels. Do you remember?’ Everyone remembered. ‘Anyway, we stood there admiring our work and when we turned to go, Pendleton was standing there. He didn’t say a word. We just went back to the car, put the wheels on and took the car off the bricks. The thing is, when he came back he’d bought us all a doughnut. No detention, just doughnuts—all he said was that he was so impressed we went and put the wheels on without being asked, he didn’t have the heart to punish us. Imagine that? Pendleton was the grumpiest old sod in the school.’ Everyone laughed. Even I laughed. ‘Remember, Jack? I thought we’d get expelled. Jesus, we were lucky.’

‘I remember.’ I smiled again at the memory.

‘What about the review show in seventh form?’ It was Duncan this time. Everyone was laughing: no doubt this was the centrepiece of any of these gatherings. Jo, who still sat next to me, slapped the table with a flat hand, making the cutlery jump. On the drinks front she had impressively kept pace with me.

‘Oh shit,’ she screamed at the tabletop.

‘Those bloody trousers. Do you remember the trousers, Jack?’ Mike took control of the story.

‘Do I remember them? How could I bloody well forget them?’ How could I forget those nylon red flares that had no fly but two zippers either side of the crotch so that when they were undone a flap fell down. I’d found them at a charity shop. The show was the end of year review and our little group produced a spoof game show where I played a gay quiz master, my costume completed with curly wig and Village People moustache. Jo, Mary, Duncan and Mike played the contestants. I can’t remember the questions now, but I recall how funny we were and how the audience roared at the jokes. The winner, Duncan I think, won a motorbike that in real life belonged to Mike’s older brother. Duncan stripped off to reveal a Freddie Mercury costume and mimed to some Queen song as he bestrode the bike.

Everyone at the table laughed. Jo was out of control, her head wobbling like a nodding dog until it came to rest on my shoulder. Mike wiped away a tear from his cheek. ‘Shit, Jack,’ he shouted above the noise, ‘you were brilliant that night. Remember when you unzipped your trousers at the end, pulled out a fresh wig and changed wigs? I thought I’d piss myself. You were one funny bastard.’

All those at the table murmured their agreement at the comment and I could see in their eyes they remembered me as a funny bastard. So what happened? What produced this cynical sod?

The furore at the table died. Duncan left to talk elsewhere and Mike sat next to me; Jo’s leg first brushed and then settled next to mine. Mike idly chatted to me, which was light conversation after the heady heights of the stories, but he was obviously circling a difficult subject. I poured yet another wine. Mike said nothing, but I could see him disapproving of the speed with which I drank. Finally he spoke of the subject that sat between us like a pork sausage at a Jewish wedding. ‘Will you talk to Mary tonight?’ I sensed he’d already spoken to her. This was Mike the ambassador at his best.

‘Will she talk to me?’

He went to reply, I even saw his lips move and by the smile I think he thought I heard him, but his answer was swept away by the maelstrom of music that suddenly assaulted the restaurant. I shouted at Mike to repeat his answer, but he stood and walked away, not even hearing my second plea for him to stay and say it again. The music cut across all conversation like a cosmic mute button as the Turkish dance sounds penetrated every corner. Whirling bazookas assaulted the senses and, judging by the expressions on the other diners’ faces, offended almost everyone. Their grimaces said it all. No one was happy. Then from the furthest and darkest part of the restaurant burst the belly dancer from hell. She gyrated her way around the room, the slaps of her bare feet with tiny bells at the ankle clearly audible above the treble-laced music because of the different texture of flesh on wood. I’d never seen a belly dancer before, but I have an image culled from old Hollywood films where such a dance was portrayed as mildly erotic. The women were slim and busty with wild hair swinging in time with pounding hips and wide eyes, the whites exaggerated by thick black eyeliner. They enthralled sweaty cigarette-smoking men as they approached a frenzied climax. Such an image did not square with the dancer I watched. She was more an embarrassment than sexual lure. Red blotches of angry acne marked her face, which was visible even in the darkened room, and more movement came from the rolls of fat on her stomach than from her hips. When she stretched she revealed a jewelled belly button. The occasional glimpse of the fake ruby reminded me of a boat in rough seas at the tip of a wave before dipping out of sight again. Finally, like a spinning top, the intensity of her dance waned. By the time she had circulated the room and returned to the corner from which she’d burst she was breathless and sweating profusely. As suddenly as the music started, so it ended, mid-beat, without so much as a hint of fade. For a moment there was silence in the room, everyone waiting to see whether there was an encore. When they were satisfied the silence was permanent, the chatter returned.

Mike was gone and he’d taken his answer. He was still at the table, but now he sat next to Mary.

Her stare was frightening. I felt as though she’d watched me the entire dance, boring through my outer skin to reach my core. Where had the power come from since the first tepid look at the beginning of the evening? Maybe she’d finally summoned up all the bad thoughts of the past years. Maybe Mike had said something to ignite a sudden passion. Had he misheard me when that burst of music shattered our conversation and passed it on? But then what could he possibly say to make it worse between us? I looked away and found Jo’s far more welcoming eyes.

Jo was drunk. She might have kept pace with me, but at a hell of a cost. Her eyes shone like moist beads as she struggled to focus and she leant her head on a hand that hardly seemed able to balance the weight. Her knee was rammed against mine now as it had been throughout the dance. She talked about herself once she had my attention but I listened to nothing. She had grown more attractive with age and her short bobbed hair suited her better than the big perm of her youth. I hadn’t thought of her once since we’d left school, but I knew by the way she gazed into my eyes that she had thought of me. We’d groped once, when we were sixteen at a party in Sandringham in an old shed at the rear of the garden. It was the only haven from the frenzied drinking and dancing of teenage excess in the house. With parents away and a first true party for our peers it reached critical mass and threatened a meltdown. The shed smelt of potting mix and rotting daffodil bulbs. We shared her last joint, kissed and went a little further: a hand on her breast (my first) and her hand on my erection through tight jeans. Sex was close, but neither of us knew how to tell the other what we wanted and the moment passed as lust slipped away. What regrets lurked for her all these years later?

‘Tell me, Jo, who do you like better, John Lennon or Paul McCartney?’

She smiled and her head slipped from the palm of her hand. ‘No comparison, it’s John Lennon every time. I mean, could you see John Lennon writing the frog song or whatever it was called?’

‘What were you saying about your husband?’

‘I knew you weren’t listening to a word I was saying.’ She elbowed me in the ribs, probably harder than she wanted but she had little control now over her movements. ‘I’m not married, you silly sod.’

‘Have you ever been to the Hilton?’

‘No, but I very much hope I’m about to.’

‘You are.’

She paused before speaking. I wondered if she might now change her mind. ‘I thought I might lose out to her ladyship.’ She nodded toward Mary who was still talking to Mike.

‘Well, nothing to fear, it’s all in the past. It’s all history.’

Mission Bay was bustling with people when we left the restaurant. We said no goodbyes and acknowledged no one as we left in a fluid movement, the security guards closing in like a phalanx on the stairs. Fierce comments would be exchanged the length of the table, but the only one I cared about was Mary. Had I done this to stir a reaction in her? Oh well, another story to add to the pantheon. ‘Do you remember the anniversary dinner when Jack left with Jo without so much as a goodbye?’

Trees lining the beach shimmered in a soft breeze. The tender green underbellies of the leaves looked silver in the moonlight. Cars thundered along the waterfront, squatting low to the road, their drivers barely able to see over the steering wheel. They bobbed to music that thumped through open windows. The street was busy with the young, their droopy trousers revealing underpants and bare stomachs (better than the dancer, I have to admit).

‘Makes you feel old, doesn’t it?’ Jo linked arms and I stiffened. I only wanted sex, not a bloody relationship.

‘Yeah, but we can feel young again. I’ve got some good stuff.’

Bebe had the car waiting when we were ready to go. He sat in the front seat and greeted us both from the open window. Jo got in and as I waited I felt that eerie sense of someone near me again, someone stalking my movements. I turned, but there was no one there I knew. Jo grabbed my arm and pulled me into the car where she pushed her tongue deep into my mouth. That was more like it.

The diary of Mary Roberts

Aged 18

December 9th

It looks like Jack’s dad has said yes for the crew to go up to his bach for the week before Xmas. This will be a fantastic way to celebrate the end of exams and leaving school, at long bloody last (free, free, free). REALLY looking forward to this. So far it’s Jack (swoon, swoon), Mike—oh no, hope he hasn’t remembered the school dance and THAT snog—Helen, Duncan and moi. Jo has been sniffing around. Hope Jack tells her to FO. She is definitely not welcome. Well not by me anyway.

December 12th

Shit! Jack is such a soft touch (or do I mean sweetie), it looks as though Jo has wormed her way in and has got an invite to the holiday. Bad news!!! Helen says Jo keeps talking about Jack and how they groped at some party and that they have unfinished business that will be finished that week. Yeah? Well have I got news for her!

December 13th

Caroline is being a bitch again—some things never change. I really don’t know what’s up with her, but she’s got all high and mighty at Dad. Don’t even know what it was about, but they were going at it tonight. Dad got really mad. Mum just sat and tried to ignore it all and that got Caroline even madder. Anyway, when it was over I tried to talk to Caroline, she just told me to FO and mind my business. Then she said that I wouldn’t understand because all I wanted was everyone to be happy and play happy families and that our family was just full of shit and Mum and Dad were just hypocrites. Christ, I only went to see if she was OK. Polly came in and said to ignore her. Caroline was really getting on her nerves as well. I don’t know what I’ve done to make Caroline dislike me so much. She doesn’t feel like a sister any more.

December 14th

OH NOOOO. Jack says his dad isn’t sure about the week any more and thinks he should be there. Helen says that the trip will be off if he goes. I mean, he’s OK, but he’s such a miserable old bugger. There’s no point in going if he’s there. Oh well, I suppose it might keep Jo away from Jack. Still, it’s really disappointing.—Caroline ignored me today. No apology, just a sour look whenever she saw me. Thanks for nothing.

December 16th

It’s all ON!!!!!! Fantastic. Daddy Mitchell (God bless him, always said he was wonderful—he, he, he) says he’s sure everything will be fine and he doesn’t want to go up there anyway. We leave in two days, and then back on Xmas eve. It has come around so quick—I don’t feel ready at all. There is so much to do. Mum got a bit funny about it all today, now she knows it’s all definite, then she started asking questions about Jack and Mike, even though she knows them (left out Duncan though—does she know something I don’t??). Polly was totally cool. She reminded Mum that she’d gone to Rotorua with her mates. Mum tried to say that was different because Polly was older. Poll put her right and said she was the same age. A bit of a lie I think. Polly just gave me that smile. Caroline grunted. She’s still not talking to me. One of the many good things about this trip will be getting away from her. SO—here we come Ohawini Bay.

December 17th

Off tomorrow. No time to chat—too busy. Went shopping for supplies and some Xmas pressies. Jack is in good form, Jo is a bitch. I’ve decided to sign off whilst away. So goodbye for a week, I’ll tell you all the goss when I get back. And boy—do I hope to have some goss!!!

FIVE

There’s something almost magical about the first taste of adult freedom. It’s an experience we wait years to enjoy and edge toward bit by painful bit. How we yearn for the moment we break free, when the world is suddenly there for the taking because we enter as a fully paid up member. Whatever our upbringing, we’re rarely prepared for this sudden jolt and often spend years coming to terms with what happened. I wasn’t ready for this onslaught and, boy, have I paid the price, but I do know when I entered the grown-ups’ club. It was during the four-hour drive from Auckland to the bach, twelve years ago with my friends Mike, Helen, Duncan, Mary and Jo.

Duncan’s father lent us his old blue Falcon. It was a tight squeeze for the six of us together with our gear and food for a week, but we rotated the passenger seat to bring some relief to the four in the back. The sky was clear when we left Auckland early in the morning and by the time we approached the sea, the sun was ferocious. At midday, I got the passenger seat so that I could direct Duncan to the bach. Finally I had the cold air blower.

We drove through Oakura Bay, the glistening sea to our right, and then along the single-file track through the rocks that divided the two bays. Across the beach was the tiny encampment of baches. Jo and Helen sat at the rear windows, let their hair blow in the wind and squealed with delight. Duncan, who until then had shown admirable restraint in his driving, slammed the accelerator and executed some well-timed handbrake turns, spewing plumes of sand off the rear wheels. He was much more careful in negotiating the concrete ramp from the beach to the houses. Once at the bach we all escaped the car as though it was a burning wagon and sprawled across the grass. Mike cracked some jokes and everyone laughed.

Mike was the closest thing I had to a best friend. I say closest because he was a friend to everyone, but seldom gave himself exclusively to one person. There were always different facets of his personality he tailored for the person and their circumstances. I suspect there were many people throughout his life who thought Mike might be their best friend but were unsure. We had become closer only in the last couple of years and we were too old to stand in the playground and announce ourselves as best friends as children do.

However, for me the uncertainty of our status was more about me than him. I never felt able to give myself to someone, never felt able to surrender. I always thought I should hold something back and keep some of myself in reserve. After all, look at what happened to Dad: he gave himself completely and then Mum left without ever contacting him again. Her betrayal left him defiled and spent. Why should I let that happen to me? So there was always this reticence with my classmates. They saw my behaviour as aloofness, even arrogance born of my gifts. A small group rejected that easy conclusion. Those at the bach at least accepted me, but the price was all of us being treated as a clique by the others in our school. I bore considerable guilt for this, but it wasn’t enough to break my fear of getting too close to them. There was just this fucking wall and I thought it would always stand. But walls have weaknesses and forces were gathering.

Duncan was more Mike’s friend than mine, but I liked him and we always got on well. Helen was destined to be Mike’s girl, we all knew that; Mary had been Helen’s best friend since primary school. As for Jo, I don’t really know how she ended up with us, although I had some history with her. So we were all friends in varying degrees and I enjoyed being with them as we laughed about the oven that had brought us to the bach.

The car took just five minutes to unpack. Once finished we headed, not for the sensible reassembly of our belongings in the house, but to the sea. This was a holiday after all. There’s nothing quite like the first sting of the sea: all those echoes of holidays past fill the ears along with the water, along with screaming children, cries of parents, salt on the lips and eyes blinking against the sharp reflection of sun from the water. We splashed and played like kids, throwing each other in the water, spraying water and running to the beach for brief rests before returning with a run and a dive. There were only a handful of people spread out on the kilometre-long strip of sand. They watched us suspiciously as we finally dawdled back to the task of setting up home for the week.

I felt strange entering the bach, even uncomfortable. Apart from Dad, and in the early days, Mum, I’d never stayed there with anyone else. Seeing all the new faces of my friends made the place different, made me feel that outsiders were in the sanctuary. Familiar routines and age-old arrangements had to be explained rather than performed by instinct. I felt out of the group: they all shared a common bond of newness. So as we set about the day I felt unattached to both the bach and my friends. This wasn’t the first time I’d experienced such discomfort and it wasn’t the last. Over the years it became a common occurrence as my science and then fame took me further from reality and the people who inhabit it. Although I reconciled myself to the bach arrangements in the days that followed, I carried a ghost of the weirdness all week.

The girls settled down for some serious tanning and the boys for some casual appraising. Jo knew she looked good. There was something in the way she tensed her legs and lay with one angled up, the knee jutting toward the sky. She was the only one of the three without sunglasses and whenever I walked past she’d look at me, one eye closed against the glare of the sun. Did she still like me? I was afraid to find out for fear of rejection. Helen was squatter and chunkier and already her thighs were heavy, like those of a middle-aged woman with dimples of cellulite. Then there was Mary. I’d never noticed her grace before, never seen the length of her limbs and her subtle movements. There on the beach, Mary Roberts strolled out of the shadows like a panther emerging from a dark forest.

We had talked about the first evening for weeks and in the days before we had all endlessly run through in our minds just what it would be like. We ate fish and chips, we drank beer and then wine, and we smoked dope. Once the sunset came, Mary lit candles that she’d brought with her in an old cardboard box and placed all around the front room. She had saved them for years. The evening settled down after the initial burst of excitement. The jokes faded and the drink and drugs bit.

‘How do you feel about Cambridge, Jack?’ Helen sat on the floor, like a sleeping cat at my feet. She sipped from a beer can without looking up.

‘Fine.’

‘Oh come on,’ Mike snorted as he came from the downstairs bedroom where he and I were sleeping carrying his guitar, ‘you’re going to one of the greatest universities in the world where they think you’re a bloody paid-up member of the genius club and all you can say is fine?’

‘What do you want me to say?’

‘Do you think you’ll miss home?’ Mary sat furthest from me, her face hidden in shadows, her voice soft and comforting.

‘I guess so, yes.’

Mike plucked a spliff from Jo’s hand, took a deep puff and passed it to me before picking up his guitar and sliding it on his lap. ‘Two weeks there and you won’t even remember New Zealand, and you won’t fucking remember us either. You’ll have a bloody amazing time.’

‘Maybe, but I’ll miss you lot.’

There was a moment’s silence before a chorus of catcalls and raspberries filled the room. Mike strummed the first four chords of ‘A Hard Day’s Night’ and then suddenly stopped as a wide grin crossed his face. ‘Tell me, Jack,’ he said as he twanged three notes, one for every word, ‘what is 321,640 divided by 618?’ He barked the numbers like a sergeant major on the training ground. Everyone turned to me. This was a favourite party piece.

‘Easy, 520.453.’

‘My God, how do you do that,’ squealed Jo, who hadn’t seen this before. ‘Can you do it again?’

There was silence. ‘You have to give me some numbers,’ I said to her, half laughing.

‘Oh yeah, right…62,220 times 115.’

‘7,155,300.’ Mike strummed his guitar in time with my rhythmic answer.

‘Square root of 426,000?’

‘652.687.’

They all cheered and laughed. Mike broke the silence with ‘She Loves You’, which we all sang at the top of our voices, shaking our heads wildly at the ‘ooohhh’.

We sang for an hour. At the end Mary gave me the sunniest smile of the evening: her face opened up and the joy poured out like a torrent and I knew it was just for me. It churned my guts, that bloody smile, like the sweetest dose of food poisoning any man could have. When she turned away, the smile vanished and her face closed down, but I’d glimpsed her inner happiness for one brief searing moment and it was beautiful. She was beautiful. I’d never seen that in a human before, so I knew I was privileged, and I yearned for it again the moment it was gone.

The evening grew colder and we dispersed for jumpers and sweatshirts. On the way past Jo’s room, she called me in. ‘Hi Jack, how’s it going?’

‘Getting pretty hammered actually.’

‘I never realised just how fucking brilliant you were. I mean you hear about it and everyone says it, but to see that, wow.’

‘It’s no more than a trick really.’

‘No it’s not—you wouldn’t be going to Cambridge if it was just a trick. Is it right you were chosen from hundreds around the world for this scholarship?’

‘Yes.’

‘Never seen anything like it. Physics at Cambridge, that’s something else.’ She was sitting on the end of her bed and she bent down to tie a shoelace that looked tied. The loose shirt she was wearing fell open. She wore no bra and I could see her breasts: how funny, I thought, that I’d felt but never seen them. When she stood up she smiled, though it was a poor imitation of Mary’s earlier brilliance; however, there were those breasts.

‘Come on, guys,’ Duncan came to the doorway, ‘it’s drinking game time.’

‘Be there in a sec,’ Jo replied and bent again, this time to collect her jumper from the floor. With Duncan at the door she was careful to hold her top tight to her body, thus preventing any sight of her breasts and to make clear the earlier view was for my benefit only.

I don’t know who invented the form of alcoholic torture known as drinking games, but Mike must have read the book because he seemed to know them all and he unleashed a whole assortment of them. He won every game. He was a master and when finished he surveyed the drunken human wreckage with a quiet satisfaction. In the early morning I found myself sprawled on the grass bank that led to the beach, completely ignorant of how I got there. I lay back and let the wind cool my face. The sound of the surf in the distance was a welcome reminder that somewhere beyond my assaulted senses was the real world and that if I hung on long enough I might just make it back there. Stars spun in and out of sight like a kaleidoscope and the earth rotated ten times faster than I remembered. I gripped tufts of grass so I wouldn’t whirl off into space. I have no idea how long this state lasted—it could have been five minutes, or maybe two hours—but the next time my senses reconnected with my surroundings there was some improvement in that the world had slowed down and I no longer felt in danger of falling off. My stomach and head ached, but I was confident of seeing another morning.

My new reality was filled with the unmistakable sound of puking—and it was bad. This was no delicate vomit but a huge, gut-wrenching evacuation. It just went on and on, seemingly with no end, and so guttural were the noises there was no way of telling the gender of the victim. With some effort I hauled myself to unsteady feet and eventually found Mary on the other side of the house, leaning against a wall with one arm at an extraordinary angle. She retched as I approached, but clearly her stomach was empty and nothing came up except the smallest dribble. I went inside. Jo and Duncan had passed out on the floor, Helen was half on the sofa and Mike was presumably safely tucked up in bed. With a glass of water that I managed to half empty on the steps I returned to the hapless Mary who stood in the exact same pose except her body had slumped further, forcing her arm out at an even more acute angle.

‘Here, have some of this.’ I held the glass in front of her, but she ignored the invitation and just swayed. ‘Drink,’ I commanded as I put the glass to her lips and tipped it back. Automatically she drank, although most of the water dribbled down her front. Gently I pulled her arm from the wall. She stumbled as the weight balance changed and I held on to her as she shuffled her feet to avoid the inevitable fall. Again I held the glass to her lips and this time she drained what remained as though she’d been stranded in the desert for days. ‘Let’s go for a walk,’ I urged and, holding her hand, guided Mary down the bank and onto the beach.

‘I’ll get sand in my shoes,’ she barked, her words slurring.

‘It’s all right, Mary.’ I bent down to remove her shoes. In the dark I didn’t realise she wore none until I was on my knees and had one foot in my hands. There was something about the touch of her skin that electrified me and I stroked the soft warm bridge of her foot. Mary took no notice of this small devotion; she just swayed while holding my head with both hands for safety. Once I realised she wore no shoes there was really no need to take the other foot, but I did. It was all I could do to stop myself from bending over that little bit further to kiss her toes. Somehow I resisted. I took her hand and we walked toward the softly splashing water and then along the beach, paddling in the gentle surf.

We walked for an hour, along to the rocks at one end of the bay and then back to the rocks at the other end before returning to the bach. By the time we stepped back up the grass bank, Mary was nearing normality and was beginning to make sense. At the door of her bedroom there was an awkward pause before she kissed my cheek and thanked me for all I’d done. She said she’d never forget my kindness.

Before that walk I’d hardly thought of Mary except for the brief surges of interest from the first sight of her body and the lingering smile she gave earlier in the evening. After the walk I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Suddenly, like some romantic breakdown, feelings for her flooded my senses and threatened to overwhelm me. This was a massive surprise and quite inexplicable: I couldn’t even point to exactly what it was about her that so attracted me. The obvious next step was to pursue her in the days that followed, but I couldn’t cross the barrier of inexperience that separated us, so we merely exchanged pleasantries before nervously shuffling away from each other and what we both wanted. In this way we remained a rock in the maelstrom of passion unleashed around us on the holiday. Duncan shagged Jo, or perhaps it was better described as Jo shagged Duncan, but we men do have our pride. Mike and Helen fulfilled their destiny. The days were filled with swimming and sunning, drink and drugs, shagging and singing. What was it that held me back from Mary in this the most appropriate time of our lives to get together? First there was Jo at the party and now Mary at the holiday. Was I that afraid of rejection? I guess so.

We agreed to make a fire on the beach to celebrate our last evening. Mike and I built it close to the lee of the bank behind the bach. We combed for wood all afternoon and by early evening we had collected enough for a massive blaze. At dusk, with just a hint of light still in the day, Mike and I lit the fire and waited for the others to join us on the beach. We had become more sophisticated in our week together: now we drank more like adults, pacing ourselves and savouring the drink instead of using it merely as the means to an end. The night was balmy and together with the intense heat of the fire it was hot sitting on the sand. Mike had his guitar and he started gently strumming to no particular tune.

‘Do you know “Bluebird”? Fleetwood Mac?’

Mike fingerpicked the first notes and then, as unexpectedly as a newsflash that Martians had landed in Wellington, the sweetest voice sang the words. Everyone turned to Mary who sat cross-legged, eyes closed. Until now she’d kept her gift hidden by always singing with the group. What a delight: she had a marvellous voice, so fragile, but never with a hint of failing. When she finished we all applauded and yelped with joy. We sang more songs together, relishing our last night.

‘Wasn’t she amazing?’ I said to Jo after we’d broken away from the singing.

She was eating half a roll. ‘I guess so,’ she muttered through a full mouth.

‘You don’t like Mary that much, do you?’

‘She’s okay, I suppose. I just think she’s a bit of a goody-goody and looks down on others, that’s all.’

‘Does that make you a baddie?’ I surprised myself with such a bold question.

‘You could find out just how bad if you really wanted to.’

I didn’t have the guts to give what was the obvious response. She filled the silence by standing up, removing her bikini top and dropping her shorts and bikini bottoms in one movement. The glow from the subsiding fire was enough to show her dark nipples and pubic hair. ‘Skinny dip,’ she shouted and ran for the sea. No further invitation was needed and I pulled off my T-shirt, yanked down my shorts and ran after her. The sea was tepid and I waded up to my knees before diving in and resurfacing just a metre from her. She stood with the water to her navel, stroking back her wet hair and raising her breasts at me.

‘That was a nice sight,’ she said, moving next to me and placing her hand on my thigh just inches from my balls.

‘Hey guys, here we come.’ Helen and Mike jumped in behind us and I pulled away from Jo, embarrassed I might be caught so close to her. Mike splashed and shouted from the water, ‘Come on, you two, don’t be shy.’ Duncan came running; Mary followed reluctantly, one arm covering her breasts, the other her crotch until she reached the water. How often had I imagined her naked in the last few days? Just about every hour, that’s how often. Now she was in front of me, even if briefly, lithe and brown, shaded by the dark, yet softly lit by the moon.

We all crouched in a circle for a few minutes, just our heads out of the water, giggling, not sure what to do next. Helen wrapped her arms around Mike and pulled him from the water. Mary and I chatted and when we turned to talk with Duncan and Jo they were gone too, running up the beach, past the fire and straight to the house.

‘I guess we’d better get out,’ I said to no one in particular even though Mary was the only one left in the water with me.

‘Will you be embarrassed?’ We looked at each other and then kissed as though it was the most natural thing. Her skin was cold, her nipples hard against my chest. I held her so tight I never wanted to let go. After our kiss we went to the dying fire and there in the orange glow, under the moon and with the sound of the sea as our music, we made love. It was the first time for both of us and when I came I felt as though the brightest and purest light imaginable had pierced my soul. I thought sex would always be that way.

The diary of Mary Roberts

June 21st

SIX months today!!! Jack sent me a sixmonth anniversary card—how sweet. It arrived today, on the actual anniversary day. What great timing. He bought a Happy 60th birthday card, crossed out the nought and wrote ‘months’—totally romantic. On the inside he wrote that he still thinks of the night on the beach. I bet he does!! Mind you, so do I, it is something special for us both to treasure. Stop. I’m rambling and I’ll only start crying AND I promised no more smudges. But shit, I really miss him. I miss him so much and he’s such a long way away. He says Cambridge is cold and wet. I wish I were there to warm him up. We seem to have spent so little time together, just a few weeks and he was gone. I’d hoped he would be back before the end of the year, but it seems unlikely now. I hope he really feels the same way about us as when he went and he isn’t just saying these things to keep me happy. I know I’ll always feel the same about him. I’ll never stop loving him. There, now I’ve done it, crying again. Bye for now.

July 9th

The date is set for Polly’s wedding—Jan 2nd next year. She wants all three of us to be her bridesmaids. Caroline said no way and walked out in that foot scuffling, shoulder drooped way of hers when she wants to draw particular attention to the fact that she’s leaving. Mum was pleased though. She said she couldn’t wait to see all four of her little girls dressed up. It will be wonderful for her. The first daughter to marry!! Just hope Caroline doesn’t spoil it for Mum or Polly. I expect she will come around when everyone has made a big enough fuss and made her feel really important. Polly will talk her round, she always does. It’s me she never listens to.

August 1st

Got drunk with Caroline and Polly last night. It was real fun. We all let go and got on! (Wonders will never cease.) Caroline has agreed to the bridesmaid thing—I knew she would, although she is prone to changing her mind so we’re bound to have a few tantrums before Polly gets down the aisle with us all behind in our finery. We talked about Jack, which was a first, it’s certainly the first time Caroline has been interested in him, mind you, when was the last time she was interested in me full stop? Anyway, it’s nice to see her thinking about someone other than herself for a change. She was really intrigued to know what it was like to go out with a genius. It was funny to hear someone talk about Jack like that. None of his friends think of him that way, I mean, sure he’s a freak, but he never wants to be treated differently. I love him for that, even with all those gifts he just wants to be a normal guy, just one of the gang. Caroline said it wouldn’t always be that way. She reckons that one day he will claim what’s his, he’ll realise he’s special and will want everyone to acknowledge that. She kept saying how I should never, ever forget just how gifted he must be. She said although I wasn’t stupid, he was on another planet. I know what she’s thinking—I’m not smart enough for him. I know she didn’t say it, but she didn’t have to…‘You’re not stupid Mary, but…’ It’s crap I know, but it did make me think. But Jack just isn’t like that. I mean, it’s not as though he asks me questions and makes a note if I get the answer wrong. He just wants a good time like the rest of us. He likes a drink, some dak, blobbing out and the movies. When I told Caroline that she just looked at me with that way of hers and said it sounded as though I was trying to convince myself rather than her. I kept my calm and changed the subject, but she kept coming back to him. It was strange. She seemed a bit obsessed. She definitely doesn’t think I’m good enough for him and that he’ll get bored with me. Little does she know! We’ll show her.

August 29th

Love the colour Polly has chosen for the bridesmaid dresses, it’s dull chartreuse green. The dress design is very simple—it will look great I think. Jack rang today. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share this with you. He sounded tired. Said he had been grappling with some of the stranger consequences of the field equations in general relativity. He kept laughing when he was telling me and seemed surprised when I didn’t share the joke. Then he apologised and said it was silly of him to think I’d understand what he was talking about and why it was funny. Before I could say anything else he was on about some strange guy in his class. I thought he might have taken some drugs but he said he’d just had a few drinks. I couldn’t help but think about Caroline and what she said a couple of weeks ago. Was she onto something? Was she trying to warn me—in her own way—not very subtle I admit. Perhaps she was just trying to let me down gently and prepare for the inevitable. Surely not. I love him too much for that to happen. He loves me too much. Doesn’t he? God I hate him being away. Why can’t he be here so I can just talk to him and hold him? Everything would be fine then.

September 10th

Caroline and Greg are ‘on’ again—according to Caroline. Not sure about Greg, but then who is sure about Greg? Is Greg sure about Greg? He probably has no idea of what’s going on. I still don’t like him. I mean what DOES Caroline see in him? He’s ancient (well at least in his forties anyway), bald and he’s not exactly God’s gift on the looks front. Caroline says he is wise and he has got experience and she finds his emotional commitment to his art a wonder. Actually I think his art is crap. Caroline says he might not be good technically but he is raw and exciting and cuts to the nervous pulse of our times. Really? It’s still crap if you ask me. I think Caroline has got her people radar seriously askew with Greg. But—she’s happy. Well as happy as Caroline can get. She’s talking of moving again, by the end of the year she says. I think she will. It is time. Oh YES it’s time for her to go.

September 19th

NEWSFLASH—BREAKING NEWS—HOLD THE FRONT PAGE. Jack is home on the 14th December. Yes, he’s booked and it’s official—he’s coming home and we’ll have at least a month together. It sounds like he is doing some amazing things at Cambridge—of course I’m not sure what, after all I’m too stupid to understand (ha ha). Oh God, it’s great to think that he is coming home and it’s so soon, less than three months. I feel as though we’ve come through the test. All these months apart and still committed to each other and THAT’S THE BLOODY TRUTH. Yes, I still love him and he loves me—hallelujah, clap your hands and praise the Lord. We’ve spent so little time together, but here we are. There are times when I’ve felt a bit wobbly about things, but we made it through. Saw Helen yesterday, her and Mike are still OK. It’s great to think that from our holiday at the bach two relationships are still going strong. Duncan is still in Oz, as for Jo, well, who cares—I don’t! Never did like her, so there’s a fat chance of me starting to think about her now.

October 14th

Caroline moves out tomorrow. She’s got this place in Titirangi. Mum and Dad thought she might be moving in with Greg, but she isn’t. She wants her space, which is why she is on the move from here.

P.S Two months, 7 hours, 40 minutes—wait…39 minutes before Jack comes home. Not that I’m counting. Who me? Love him.

November 18th

Had a fitting today for the bridesmaid dress. Looks good, but I think I need to lose a few kilos, my arse looked huge, and I mean HUGE. Don’t want Jack seeing that, he’ll think I’ve gone to seed. I saw Caroline for the first time since she moved out. My God, she looked stunning in the dress. Her art is going really well, but it seems as though things are dodgy again with Greg Van Gogh. Seems he’s been a naughty boy with some old tart. (How does he do it? I mean he really is bloody ugly, but he sure gets the girls.) Caroline said she doesn’t care about the sex, she just thinks it questions his commitment. I think it just proves he’s an arsehole. If it was me I’d have had his dick off and buried in the back garden. God help Jack if he starts any of that nonsense. I did suggest to Caroline that perhaps she should dump him, but she just rolled her eyes in that superior way of hers and told me I didn’t understand the artistic temperament. Do you know what she said then? I might not understand, but Jack would. Bloody cheek!! The artistic impulse—oh pleeease. What rubbish. This seems to be my year of not understanding. Perhaps I should give up uni, give up wanting to be a teacher and go off and have five kids.

December 12th

Jack has left England. He’s on his way back home. There’s nothing else to say…oh go on then, I’ll force myself. I’ve never felt so excited. When I see him I’m going to hug him for so long I might never let go. What a Christmas it is going to be. Jack home, Polly’s wedding, that should be wonderful, what with the reception on the beach—how romantic. Hey, what is it with beaches and me? You know, I feel really happy. Life just couldn’t be better. I feel like I have everything.

I can’t help but wonder how my life might have unfolded if I’d taken Jo instead of Mary all those summers ago. Choosing her at the bach would have extinguished any opportunity of being with Mary. Perhaps I might have enjoyed a simpler, less demanding life. Who knows? When I awoke with Jo in the Hilton there was a moment when I felt as though the alternative path had been followed. There was just this second of peace as I watched the gentle rise of her sleeping shoulder. But as quickly as it came, it was gone. My room was not a place of happiness and order; it was disorganised and dirty, full of insatiable desires. Hastily yanked clothing, the remnants of drugs and half-full glasses were everywhere. This was my life.

To be honest, Jo enjoyed the greater satisfaction: for her a great wrong was righted and years of longing gratified. For me it was a routine evening of sex and fairly average, given some of the delights I’d experienced this last year. But knowing how important this was for her, I should have stayed away. I should have ignored her and waited to see what Bebe had rustled up from Auckland’s underbelly. But I know I’m a sucker—‘no’ and me just don’t seem to go together. At least, I hope that’s the reason. Please don’t let there be something deeply Freudian going on.

The one night should have been the end of the Jo thing, the Jo fling. The situation demanded a fond farewell, promises of future contact with absolutely no likelihood of compliance and a firm shut of the door. Why, then, did I not follow such simple rules? Before I could stop myself, before I seemed to have a proper grip on the day, I invited her to the party after that evening’s show. She was delighted. She positively glowed and sank into my arms like the woman in the films who has finally welcomed the return of her long-lost lover. And, of course, she had.

SIX

Some say that first love is the finest love. Casting a weary, nostalgic eye and forgetting that great corrupter of memory, hindsight, there are times I might agree with that sentiment. There is no doubt that first love is always the purest. It alone has that moment of total intoxication when you first grasp the spirit of love and sense its permanence. First love feels as though it will last for ever, it feels invincible and incorruptible. Nothing and no one will ever prise it away. However, when first love is lost and you love again there’s always a part of you that won’t surrender. There’s always a voice to remind you how your love was stolen and how it hurt.

When I returned to New Zealand from Cambridge I was warm with the glow of a man immersed in first love. I’d been faithful to Mary and I knew she’d been faithful to me. I was loyal to our love and I ached with anticipation at seeing and holding her again. Thinking of Mary and replaying over and over in my mind the moment of our reunion sustained me through the hard and lonely times of our separation.

It was deep winter when I left Cambridge. The temperature had remained below zero for a week, and the coat-piercing wind off the Fens made it considerably colder. Even without snow the city resembled an idyllic Christmas Day picture, with frost so thick and heavy it rimmed windows and transformed tree branches into silver limbs. I owned an old purple Mark I Escort and when the cold weather came I played roulette with the starter motor. One day it started first time, the next not at all, the third a start and a stop with no chance of further resuscitation. There was no pattern; it was chaos theory exemplified. Ali Naidu and I lived in Great Chesterford, a small village just south of Cambridge in a house owned by Mrs Grey.

Never was a woman more aptly named. She’d housed university students for twenty years and the house, and its contents, were unchanged since the first lodger took up residence. Every scrap of colour and every vestige of fun were long drained from the place, just like her pale, tasteless vegetables, which had been boiled to buggery. Mrs Grey, everyone called her Mrs Grey, not only had an aversion to vegetables that might offer the merest resistance to a strong set of teeth, she also had something against heat. The front room, small and overpopulated with heavy threadbare chairs, had a wonderful fireplace, but fire never adorned its splendour. Occasionally when it was a ‘bit chilly’, which for Mrs Grey meant either snow or frost so thick it had to be chipped from the front path with a shovel, she put an electric bar heater on for half an hour. The heater had two bars, but one was broken and the one that worked only got an orange glow along three-quarters of its length. Ali and I learnt to live in four layers of clothing. We became well practised in the art of manoeuvring and eating with arms hardly able to bend. Some nights the sound of Ali’s teeth chattering kept me awake. Poor Ali, how must he have felt coming from Cairo to Great Chesterford? I had enough trouble even if she was slightly more recognisable to me from my visits to Grandmother’s farm.

Ali was on the same physics course as I was, though we hadn’t spoken in the two weeks before we moved in with Mrs Grey. We became friends quickly. This was the first time I’d met anyone of equal intellect. I know that sounds elitist, but that’s how it was for me and how I found Cambridge. I met people every day who understood relativity and quantum theory the way others might understand multiplication or division. I was no longer a freak, always fighting to be accepted as normal; suddenly I was among equals and I could begin exploring the boundaries of my intellect. It was a wonderfully liberating experience and I grew like a limp lilo with a new foot pump: fast and in every direction. Cambridge may have been frosty and cold but already it was my intellectual home. The only thing the place lacked was Mary.

I flew into a New Zealand summer. Even early in the morning, heat was beginning to subdue Auckland. I saw Mary first, not surprising since I was looking out for her the moment I rounded customs control. We gripped each other, Mary shaking with a sob. Dad shuffled on the periphery, embarrassed at our affection. Finally, after Mary released me, I went to him and we shook hands. He stared over my shoulder at some distant point on the back wall, unable or unwilling to look me in the eye. We walked to his car, loaded up and I said goodbye to Mary, just minutes after greeting her, though we would meet later that day.

‘Good flight?’ They were the first words spoken by Dad, who still had that faraway gaze.

‘Yeah,’ I lied. I’d worried the entire journey and was sure the arm rests had the indentation of my fingertips on their underside.

I waited for further comment, but our conversation was done. Even though I hadn’t seen Dad for almost a year, I might as well have just stepped off the bus after being away for the afternoon. Poor Dad, I don’t think he got the Cambridge thing or, to be more precise, I think he chose not to understand. It was easier that way. This was how he dealt with life now. There was a time when he understood, but all that went when Mum left him. Life was much simpler and less worrisome if looked at in monochrome. There was no need for detail any more.

‘I expect you’ll go up to the bach sometime, will you?’ he added some hours later as though the intervening time between our first words and these were forgotten.

‘Thought I’d go up with Mary, Helen and Mike. Is that OK with you?’

‘Should be.’

‘Thanks.’

That was that. Holiday fixed. Well nearly: just before we left, Helen and Mike decided they wanted time by themselves, so they packed a tent and headed south. Mary and I travelled north for a week together before the Christmas and wedding onslaught. It was our first time back since the fateful holiday the year before and our golden moment on the beach. The bach was a mythical place for us now, our private Shangrila where dreams came true. The moment we arrived everything in our lives was how it should be. This was a perfect moment of first love. We sat and watched the sun set, casting an orange glow across the bay and sea. All was gentle, even the smallest flick of surf on the beach. It would be hard to think of a more sublime moment.

‘This is amazing.’ Mary propped her legs on the glass coffee table in the middle of the room and sipped a glass of wine. Her body nuzzled into my side and she felt as soft as the picture before us, just as I had dreamt of her as I sat in the cold of Mrs Grey’s front room.

I merely nodded. Even speaking might doom the moment and break my happiness.

‘Can I ask you something, Jack?’

I managed a grunt, but already I was aware of perfection slipping.

‘Don’t be angry.’

‘I promise.’ I was immediately on my guard. What dangers lurked in this simple request? I felt her body tense.

‘Do you find me…boring?’

I almost laughed with relief. ‘Of course I don’t. What on earth makes you think like that?’

‘I mean intellectually boring.’ She moved away so she could turn to look at me. ‘It’s just that you are so, well, bloody clever and I’m so average. Do you find it difficult, I mean a strain, to be with me? Do you feel like you have to lower yourself to my standards, to my level?’ She paused and noticed my smile. ‘Jack, I’m serious. Caroline said something to me and it’s kind of freaked me out.’

‘What did she say?’

‘Basically that you’d tire of me and when you did, you’d leave.’

‘Mary, I promise, I don’t find you the least bit boring.’

‘How can I be sure of that, Jack?’

‘I don’t sit here thinking about questions I’d like to ask you or subjects to discuss and then say, “Shit, this is Mary, so there’s no point in asking.” Come on, Mary, it doesn’t work that way. I’m with you because I love you. I’m not looking for an intellectual equal, I’m looking for someone to love.’

‘There, you said it, I’m not your equal—that’s what you think.’ She stood up and walked from the room. Moments later I watched her stride along the beach with the comical waddle of someone trying to walk through sand quickly. She looked like a cartoon character: all movement but no gain.

She returned an hour later and sat in the chair opposite, one leg lazily dropped across the arm. ‘I think that was our first argument.’

‘I think so.’ I went to her. ‘You know I don’t think like that about you, Mary. Come on, would I be here if that was how I felt about you?’ I smiled thinly at the top of her head as I kissed it. My words sounded cheap and hollow—and they were.

The holiday passed without further comment on Mary’s intelligence. That night we kissed and made love to heal the wound of our argument and the subject was closed. However, a shadow was cast and although we ignored the darkening when we were together I had no doubt Mary was as aware of it as I was. The near perfection of the return to the bach was broken and could never be mended.

Mary returned to the maelstrom of wedding arrangements and the plethora of small arguments turned large by stress. In contrast to the chaos of the Roberts’ house, I returned to the maudlin silence of my home. I had lived in the red brick bungalow all my life. It was square and functional with a back lawn that sloped down to thick hedges. The garden was useless for playing with balls, which always rolled down and lodged in the sharp lower branches of the bushes, but it was ideal for the re-enactment of siege warfare. As a child, under a fierce summer sun I would play the crusader knight attacking a desert fortress. With plastic sword I would slay Ottomans on the deck battlements and gain possession of the flowerpots by slicing off the head of the last defender.

I was standing on that slope the day Dad came to tell me Mum had left. He stood there, suddenly brittle in my memory, beckoning me to his side. Awkwardly he put a hand on my shoulder and patted me as though that act alone might soften the impact of what he had to say. I cried until he told me he thought she would be home by the weekend and she was just tired and needed time to rest. I still don’t know if he believed that to be true, or whether he just wanted to protect me. Maybe he just wanted me to stop crying. I can understand that: seeing me so distraught couldn’t have helped him to cope with his own grief. Whatever he thought, though, I’m sure he never contemplated the possibility that neither of us would ever see her again. If he’d known that, I think he would simply have given up then rather than slowly sliding down the following years as it dawned on us both that she was never coming home and we would never know what had driven her away.

At first I assumed it was my fault. Who else made her tired? What mother could leave her child unless the child deserved to be left? Perhaps she couldn’t cope with my precocious talents. Dad ignored them, but did Mum just up and leave? However, as I grew older and became aware of what adults are capable of inflicting on one another I started to blame Dad as well. For exactly what I was unsure, but I imagined awful scenes of abuse behind closed doors. But I never blamed Mum for going.

Christmas dinner passed with little celebration. Dad and I shared a simple meal, a bottle of wine and long periods of silence broken by brief conversations like sporadic gunfire on a sleepy night at the Western Front. After the meal he poured himself a whisky, which he drank in two gulps, then poured another, which he drank nearly as quickly again. I’d rarely seen him have more than a glass of wine at a time before. By evening he’d drunk half a bottle of whisky and his cheeks were flushed red. I shared a couple of drinks with him and smiled the inept smile of the half drunk.

‘Your mum never liked me drinking.’

‘Right,’ I replied, my usual response to one of his brief remarks. Inside, though, I felt as though a bomb detonated. This was information on an unprecedented scale, even if it had been delivered as though reporting the weather.

‘It seemed wrong to change the habit once she’d gone. You had enough on your plate, what with her going like that.’ He spoke with precision, as though he’d brooded on this conversation for years and now that he had finally spoken wanted to be sure what he said was correct.

‘I never remember you drinking more than a glass.’

‘I used to keep the whisky in the shed.’

‘What about at the bach?’

‘In the boat shed.’

‘And Mum never knew?’

He just shrugged his shoulders at the question. ‘I don’t know for sure. She never said anything, but that’s not the same thing, is it?’

‘No, it’s not.’

He caught the hard edge to my reply. ‘It’s not why she left, if that’s what you’re thinking.’

His offhand remark angered me. How dare he make such presumptions? ‘How do you know?’ I asked with some trepidation despite my anger.

‘I think your mum just wanted more, more than you and me. I never got drunk, Jack. I just shot a few drinks in the evening, it wasn’t enough for her to leave us like that.’ There was a sudden bitterness in his voice that I could hardly begrudge.

‘She had to leave for a reason, it had to be someone’s fault.’

‘I don’t know, Jack, I just don’t know.’

‘I wonder if she found what she was looking for?’

‘I doubt it, people rarely do, but most acknowledge the failure.’

We sat in silence for a moment before he poured us each another drink. ‘There’s nothing wrong with liquor, Jack, as long as you master it, never let the stuff control you. Once that happens, you’re finished. Then you’ll lose everything, and I mean everything. It never happens immediately and that’s the danger, Jack. You think you can keep what you have got, but eventually you lose everything. It will just slip through your hands like sand and before you know it, you open your hand and the sand has all gone.’

It was the longest thing he’d said to me in years, but I didn’t listen to him. I didn’t think there was anything he could teach me. Next day I forced down an early morning drink as a dare to him and me. I could be different, as I was in so many other ways. I could prove my old man wrong and tame the drink. I could keep the sand in my hands—what a victory that would be. The whisky tasted awful but I would not be defeated.

SEVEN

Polly’s wedding was from start to finish an epic—a Ben Hur of the marriage world, an expensive style setter for the three girls who would follow and no detail left to chance. I couldn’t help but feel that furtive glances were cast at Mary and me as though sizing us up for the next instalment, much like an undertaker measuring potential clients at a cocktail party. Polly and David married in St Patrick’s, a beautiful and calm oasis amid the glass horrors of the city. The guests were well groomed and dressed for the occasion, everyone resplendent in the sun reflecting off the white walls of the church. It was a meeting of the beautiful people. They sauntered inside as if they owned the place. Lilies decorated the end of every pew, blooms of white against the wood. The ceremony was crisp and culminated in ‘Ave Maria’ sung by a ten-year-old cousin. Half an hour later, after a car procession that reminded me of a royal tour, we were drinking our first champagne of the reception. The sun was still fierce and I sweated in my suit.

‘So you must be Jack.’ I shook the outstretched hand. ‘I’m Caroline, Mary’s sister. We haven’t met before.’

‘Yes, I recognise you. Nice to meet you.’

‘I’ve heard a lot about you.’

‘All good, I hope.’ She held on to my fingers, only reluctantly letting go when I tugged them free. She was stunning in her bridesmaid dress, slim but with shape, her blonde hair curled and held by a braid embroidered with small blue flowers.

‘All good, Jack—there’s no need to worry.’

‘That’s great.’ I was embarrassed at her focused attention.

‘God, every time I see Mary she’s on about you and Cambridge—“Jack this, Jack that”, it’s hard to get away from you at times. Still, it sounds like you’re having an amazing time there. Are you? I mean I’d love to hear all about it.’

‘I’ll look forward to that.’

‘I shall seek you out for a dance after dinner, Jack Mitchell, so you watch out. I’ve never danced with a genius before and when I woke this morning I said to myself, this is the day. Now you wouldn’t disappoint a poor girl, would you?’ She smiled, revealing a perfect row of straight, bright white teeth.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats for the wedding supper.’

Caroline tugged my elbow and pulled me toward a table near the dance floor. ‘This is you, Jack—I checked where you were sitting earlier. I’m afraid you get relegated to the minor family table. A few more years and you may make it to the top table. See you later.’

‘Look forward to that.’

Caroline was certainly on the mark about the other guests at my table. They were minor nobility all right—cousins and friends only wheeled out on such occasions and a strange man called Jonathan Martin whom everyone knew but no one seemed to like. Despite several attempts to understand where he fitted in, the explanation eluded me. Cousin Keith rolled his eyes every time Jonathan spoke, revealing his dislike of the man. Later I learnt Jonathan had served in Vietnam with Mary’s father, an experience both men never discussed but which forged a friendship neither wished to relinquish. Others might dislike Jonathan, but for as long as old man Roberts was picking up the bill his old mate was always welcome. The story left me with a pang of jealousy that people could experience such closeness.

When the golden summer evening light finally faded, gaudy flashing lights took its place and the soft chatter and rolling waves succumbed to the bass line of a Donna Summer song. I could almost hear the sigh of disdain from the older guests and whoop of delight from the younger ones. Like me, they had gritted their teeth and endured the small table talk of dinner and sat through the speeches, ignoring numb bottoms and sweaty discomfort in unfamiliar clothes, waiting for this moment of release. Mary grimaced as she walked to me in tight shoes and after her first steps kicked them off and danced in bare feet.

They played all the old favourites—classic Beatles, some Bee Gees, Abba greats and some rock’n’roll for the faithful oldies who ventured to mix it with the younger brigade. I could cope with most of these, but not with ‘Mull of Kintyre’.

‘Come on, Jack.’

‘No Mary, not this, please, I draw the line at this one.’

But she was pulling me away from the window and onto the insanely overpopulated dance floor. Her feet were black at the sides from dirt.

‘Don’t you like this?’ she quizzed as she pulled me to her and nuzzled my neck.

‘In one word—no.’

She pulled away and looked at me with genuine amazement. ‘Really? I love this song. You know I think Paul McCartney is great. He’s my favourite Beatle.’

‘That may well be right, but “Mull of bloody Kintyre”, please.’

‘Oh, come on, grumpy, give me a cuddle.’ She pulled me closer and kissed my cheek.

The pace picked up after the grisly song. We danced wildly and gyrated to ‘Dancing Queen’, which brought the sweat from me in great rivers. I relinquished my place on the cramped floor and elbowed my way outside for some fresh air and the chance to cool down. The breeze was refreshing on my face and wet shirt. There was a terrace at the side, one end lit, but the other half was deep in shadow. Caroline sat there smoking a cigarette.

‘So here you are, Einstein.’

‘Here I am.’ Given my new status as a drinker I’d drunk a fair number of beers as well as wine. Of course, it was more than I was used to and my head was spinning as I stood looking at her. She had changed and now wore a simple blue summer dress with a subtle white pattern. The soft material caught in the breeze and billowed around her legs. Her hair was down now and looked lighter. This was the first time I’d really looked at her rather than merely acknowledging her presence. She was prettier than Mary (a wickedly guilty thought), her features softer, her eyes clearer and wider. There was no mistaking she was Mary’s sister, but she was like an improved version—a coupe to Mary’s four-door saloon.

‘Where’s my dance?’

‘Any time, I’m all yours.’

‘I hope so.’ She raised an eyebrow and smiled.

I was entering dangerous shark-infested waters. This was the time to turn back, the time to hang on to the last outcrop of land before I was swept away.

Caroline cocked her head, like a dog listening for a master’s whistle. ‘This should do.’ Frankie Goes to Hollywood, ‘The Power of Love’, filtered from the dance room, which was only half full now. The lights were low and I tried to hold her at a respectable distance, but she moved closer, placing her hands on my shoulder. ‘So tell me, Einstein, what’s it actually like to be a genius?’

‘Oh, you know.’

‘No I don’t actually, that’s why I asked and yes, before you say it, I’m interested, really interested. I mean it must be weird talking to people all the time who are just, well, you know, a whole lot more stupid than you.’

‘It doesn’t really work like that.’

‘Oh come on, it must do. Don’t be shy, I can take the truth. I mean we all have different gifts, we can’t all be brilliant at everything.’

‘What are you good at?’

‘Painting, actually. I paint and I think I’m pretty good. Do you paint?’

‘No.’

‘Any good at drawing?’

‘No.’

‘Well, there you go then. You’re crap at art and I’m good. I’m crap at maths and you’re good. Doesn’t really matter though, does it? So go on, be honest.’

‘I’m not sure I really follow.’

‘Shit, nor do I. I’m just trying to get you to talk to me about life as a fucking genius.’

‘Most of the time it’s fine, really.’

‘But?’

‘But there are times when it’s frustrating, times when I yearn for someone to share thoughts with, to talk to about the sheer creative joy of physics.’

‘Joy?’

‘Yes, joy, the excitement of thinking at the edge, you know, of stepping right up to the boundary of human knowledge and then going beyond it. There can be nothing as exhilarating, as passionate, as creative as that moment. Who understands that, though, without knowing quantum physics or relativity or event horizons?’

‘Hey, I can’t pretend to know what those things are like, but I know about the joy of creation. When I’m painting and I catch the essence of what I’m searching for, there are no words that can explain that feeling and, like you say, all I want is to share the moment, to be with someone who understands that feeling without having to put it into words.’

‘My God, you understand what I mean. Essence, I like that, it’s a wonderful word.’

‘I may not be as smart as you, Jack, but I fucking know how you feel.’

We danced for a moment without further words. ‘What sort of painting do you do?’

‘Slightly abstract, but ideas rooted in the everyday that transcend what you’d normally expect. Not unlike what you do in a way—trying to look at well-known things in a new way, trying to push the boundaries of the usual understating of an object. Why don’t you come round and have a look sometime.’

‘I’d love to.’

Two days later I visited Caroline in her Titirangi home. It was set back from other houses with bush surrounding it on all sides. Once off the road it felt as though I was swallowed by greenery. The paving stones of the driveway were cracked and uneven, the encroaching trees of the bush out of control. A wooden deck encircled the house. It started on the driveway side of the building, but the land fell away so steeply at the rear that when I stood at the back rail the grass was more than four metres below. Now I was above the bush that only seconds before had engulfed me. There was a clear view of the city some fifteen kilometres away. Cicadas sang below and the smell of the trees was fresh. The back of the house had sliding doors, which were open, and I could see Caroline kneeling on the floor, hunched over paper on which she was drawing with a charcoal stick, her arms rotating in sweeps. She moved with urgency, but she was graceful, as though her drawing was in itself an artistic performance. Her hair, once tied up, had started to slip and strands of gold fell to her cheeks. As she worked, a spare hand pushed the strands behind her ears, but they soon came loose again. Suddenly she stopped working and stepped back to appraise the drawing. Her head was cocked to one side in the same way as when she stood on the terrace at the wedding just a couple of days before. Reluctantly I let the moment go and knocked on the window. Without hesitation, as though expecting my visit, she waved me inside. It was hot and there was a strong smell of smoke and dope in the room.

‘Jack, how wonderful to see you.’ She half ran to me and planted a wet lingering kiss on my cheek, just millimetres from the corner of my mouth. Beautiful and erotic, she smelt of perfume and sweat, drink and smoke. Smudges of charcoal marked her face and a loose shirt revealed most of her braless breasts. When she walked they moved playfully, excited to be free, delighted to be so gorgeous. ‘Come and see.’ She took my hand and led me to the picture on the floor. It was large, a metre and a half square. In one corner she had drawn a dish with fruit, in another a fish and in the middle a goblet. They all rested on an abstract table. ‘It’s a Last Supper representation. What do you think?’

‘Great.’ I wasn’t sure. I mean, the drawing was good, but it was just a bowl of fruit, a fish and a cup. It seemed a long way from the Last Supper, or any supper for that matter.

‘It represents the simplicity of the early church in contrast to the great edifice built by the early church fathers—as represented by the Da Vinci Last Supper, which I’ll incorporate in miniature somewhere, just not sure where yet.’

‘Yes, I see.’

‘You don’t like it, do you?’

‘I do like it. Yes I like it very much. I think once you get the miniature on it will clarify its meaning better.’

‘Fancy a drink?’

‘Love one, thank you.’

‘What’s your tipple then, Jack? What do geniuses drink?’

‘You choose.’

‘Now you might regret that.’ She scurried off to the kitchen where I heard her opening and shutting cupboards with some gusto. I looked again at the picture, conjuring again the sight of her working. Scattered all over the floor, on chairs and beside the drawing, were open art books. I squatted to look, but Caroline was back from the kitchen before I turned any pages.

‘Here.’

I took the glass and drank. ‘Wow, what the hell is that?’ I coughed with the bite of the liquor on the back of my throat. I looked at the clear liquid as ice broke in the glass.

‘Tequila.’

‘I like it.’

‘Good, it’s the drink of the artist.’ She nodded to the books on the floor, her head to one side in her now familiar pose. ‘I like working with great pictures around me—Raphael, Da Vinci, Van Gogh.’ She paused and moaned as she looked at a picture of a Van Gogh wheat field, ‘Man, I love him. I know you may find this hard to understand, but sometimes I feel this kind of…wind blowing off them and it engulfs me in this creative storm. There are times I don’t even draw, I just sit and surrender myself. I close my eyes and I’m in Florence, or Paris, or Rome, walking the streets, modelling naked for the masters, painting, laughing with the artists, fucking them and sharing all their joys and sadness, success and failure.’ She closed her eyes as though she was half there already.

Her words touched my core. I thought such feelings were mine alone, but now I’d learnt she shared them. ‘I know just what you mean. Christ, it’s just like at the wedding—you seem to really know some truths. Where does it come from, Caroline?’

She touched her heart. ‘Do you ever feel like that?’

‘When I went to Cambridge and started walking through the old colleges I just felt this amazing resonance from the walls, as though the intelligence of everyone who had been there before me had soaked into them. And when I saw Newton’s old rooms at Trinity, it was as though a shadow of the man was burnt onto the walls. I cried, you know, to be there, where he worked and lived. I felt the same as you described, as if there was this…not so much wind, more a force entering my head, and I glimpsed something indefinable, some basic creative essence. Your word again.’

‘It’s weird to hear you talking about creativity. I never think of scientists as being creative—it runs against the grain of the image of the scientist poring over his experiment.’

‘Great science is at heart truly creative. All the great scientific masterworks: gravity, relativity, quantum theory—they’re all works of beauty, beautiful in their basic simplicity, in their power to affect our lives, to change us all. If only I could do the same. In my quiet moments I dream of touching that greatness.’

‘Does Mary understand what you yearn for?’

‘To be honest, no.’

‘Let’s drink some more tequila. Let’s seal our new-found understanding.’

‘You pour, I’ll drink.’

We drank for an hour. Caroline brought the tequila bottle and a plate of ice from the kitchen and we poured and dipped our hands in the plate like children fishing for sweets at a birthday party. Soon I was drunk, my head spun and I started floating whenever I closed my eyes. Caroline giggled when she stood, half fell and steadied herself by clutching my knee. ‘Let’s have some music, shall we?’ With a little effort she stood in front of a small tapedeck on some shelves opposite the couch where I sat. ‘Ah yes,’ she muttered to herself as she found a tape, dropped the plastic cover on the floor and noisily inserted the tape into the machine. John Lennon’s ‘Woman’ blasted the room.

‘Good choice.’

‘You like Lennon?’ She turned, her breasts swaying against the flimsy material of her shirt as they pushed to be free. ‘You know, Jack, I don’t think you can like both Lennon and McCartney. I mean, you can like their songs, but not them as people. For me it’s one or the other. Lennon is dangerous and sexy. McCartney is safe, more like a husband asleep on a Saturday afternoon. I’ll take Lennon every time. How about you?’

‘When you put it like that I’d have to say Lennon.’

‘Do you smoke?’

‘Sometimes.’

She pulled a small packet from under the sofa cushion, rolled a joint with great precision and lit it. We relaxed and smoked, neither talking for several minutes.

‘Jack?’

‘Yes.’

‘Do you want to try something different?’

‘Yes.’

Caroline placed an old wooden chair with paint smudges all over it in front of the open sliding doors. ‘Sit here,’ she commanded. ‘What do you see?’

‘Nothing much.’

‘What do you mean “nothing”?’

‘There isn’t much there.’

‘Come on, Jack, you need to look properly and tell me what you see.’

‘Trees. I see trees and bush. I see the sky.’

‘What colour is it, Jack?’

‘Blue, mostly. There are some clouds, light in front but heavier to the side and their colour deepens to a dirty grey.’ I felt a silk scarf pulled over my eyes.

‘What do you see now?’

‘Orange.’

‘Good. Can you feel the wind on your face?’

There was a soft breeze on my cheeks and I nodded.

‘I want you to imagine you’re somewhere else, another place in some other time. Can you do that, Jack? Can you let yourself go and transport your mind?’

‘Will you help me?’

‘I’ll help you. I’m always here to help you. Are you willing to try?’

‘Ready and willing.’ With sight gone, my senses were already sharpening. I was aware of Caroline now kneeling in front of me and I could feel her breath hot on my thigh.

‘I want you to imagine you’re in Florence. It’s the sixteenth century and the Renaissance is blooming all around you. Your friends are thinking differently and releasing themselves from centuries of sterility. You’re a young nobleman, close to the artists of the city for whom you’re a benefactor. Today has been hot, but an afternoon breeze has brought some relief and helped lift the stench of the city. Your home is in the centre of Florence and your rooms on the second floor overlook the old home of Dante. You sit there now, on a chair with the doors of your balcony open, gazing across the red ochre rooftops of the city houses. The heat of the day has abated, bringing out the people who walk and talk in the narrow street below. You can feel the breeze on your face.

‘It’s been a wonderful day. You’ve commissioned a picture from Raphael and today you visited him to see its progress. While there you browsed the sketches, canvases and half-completed works in his studio. You felt as though a light stronger than a hundred candles sought out the dark corners of your soul. How you crave to be like him and release passions and forces in others with the mere stroke of a brush. His talent is close enough to breathe.

‘One of his favourite models, Francesca, is with you now. She’s been his model for several months and you’ve often admired her body in his paintings or on visits to the studio when she has posed. She was there today. The studio was hot and smelt of paint. Her pose stirred you and you watched the sweat run down her stomach in a little stream.’

Caroline paused. I could feel her breath on my thigh shorten, then disappear. For a moment there was nothing, no sound, no sensation, and then I felt the lightest brush of warm flesh on my thigh. I knew this was her breast. How I wanted to rip off the blindfold, but she anticipated my impulse. ‘Steady,’ she implored and I relaxed. ‘Francesca lay on cushions arranged on the floor, her long golden hair splayed over her shoulders and breasts.’

I felt Caroline’s hair on my legs.

‘Her nipples were dark and hard.’

Caroline touched my knee with her own erect nipple.

‘One arm lay along the curve of her waist and hip. She met your gaze when you entered and you know she has no shame for her appearance. At first you tried to avoid her searching eyes, but soon you were strong enough to meet her look.

‘When the sitting finished she draped a gown over her shoulders but when the master left the room she allowed it to slip to reveal her breasts again. This was for you. It’s rumoured she is Raphael’s lover. She has been touched by genius and you yearn to touch her as well, to go where he’s gone, to have what he’s had.

‘Now she’s in your rooms. You’ve drunk wine and shared fruit. She’s asked you to sit on a seat in front of the open doors and she’s tied a scarf around your eyes. Is this a game the master has played with her?’

A hand touched my thigh—Caroline or Francesca? I wasn’t sure any more. Both breasts touched my legs as my shorts and underpants were pulled down to my ankles. Fingertips traced the outline of pubic hair without touching me. I thought I might just rip apart. ‘Francesca has you erect before her and you strain, yearn, strain and strain to be touched. “Have you ever come like a God?” she asks you.’

‘No,’ I croaked.

‘“Raphael taught me this”, and then…and then as though your penis is dipped in honey, Francesca takes you in her mouth.’

Just a split second before my orgasm Caroline released me. ‘And you come into a void, your seed falling on the streets below. “To come like a God”, Francesca whispers, “is to lay your seed on the people as though you can do what you please and in that moment there are no limits to what you can achieve. To come in the void is to know that anything is possible, that you are, if you want, unstoppable.”’

Caroline let the blindfold loose and I looked in her eyes. ‘I love you.’

‘I know. We were meant to be, Jack. We are one. We can be one. Will you let us be one?’

‘I already have.’

‘An incredible journey awaits us. Let it begin.’

‘It already has.’

EIGHT

After Jo left, I tried to work. It was pure diversion, an attempt to keep at bay the memories of Mary and Caroline. It failed, but even after I’d faced the full fury of my deceit, I hoped to find some solace, some salvation in work.

When Einstein formulated his General Theory of Relativity he correctly foresaw that a consequence of the equations was an ever-increasing universe. He reasoned this an impossibility and his nerve failed him. To correct the finding he included in the theory a cosmological constant, a force that kept the universe from expanding. When Edwin Hubble confirmed that the universe was indeed growing, Einstein called the constant his biggest mistake and abandoned it. However, the damn thing never completely disappeared and even in the afterglow of Superforce the constant was still a loose thread. I had for some months thought that securely knitting the constant into Superforce would be a good return to work, but all my efforts had failed. And by the end of the morning the pristine paper on my desk was still blank. Nothing—not a word, not a number, not even a letter. As usual, in the end, I simply gave up.

Fortunately it was then time to leave for the afternoon’s engagements. There was a press conference, a television interview and then the drive to the Aotea Centre and sound checks for the evening show. I chose not to return to the hotel and waited backstage instead. When entering the theatre I’d again sensed someone watching me. I wasn’t going back out there.

There was quite a spread in the dressing room. From the assortment of cold meats, sandwiches, prawns, dips, spring rolls and breads I chose a miserly mandarin and slowly sucked on the segments one by one. The selection of drinks was even more impressive: soft, hard, medium and indifferent (in other words sherry). There was tequila, of course, but then there’s always tequila wherever I travel. Usually it’s buried in the middle of the inventory sent by the company so as never to raise suspicion of its importance. I drank and sat in an easy chair, but I was far from relaxed and I balanced my glass unsteadily on the arm. There was less than half an hour until the show. Bebe sat opposite, sipping his water bottle like a suckling calf.

‘Have you ever drunk alcohol, Bebe?’

‘I tried it once when I was younger, but I never took to it. After that, I just stuck to water.’

There was a return to our slow silence of the last hour as we sipped our respective drinks. I rubbed a frayed thread on my shirt cuff. ‘Any news from our friends at the Nobel committee?’ I tried sounding nonchalant, but Bebe knew this particular anxiety and smiled at my attempts at lack of interest.

‘Actually it’s gone quiet on that front, but then you’re rather out of the way down here.’

‘Out of sight and out of bloody mind.’

‘I wouldn’t put it quite that way, Jack, but a quiet week from you doesn’t do any harm.’

We ambled our way through a stilted conversation about the company and how it was disposed to me after my little wayward press conference in London. Evidently all was forgiven. I tugged at the thread again. ‘And Driesler, what of our friend Frank Driesler?’

Bebe checked his watch. ‘Nearly time to go. I hope this is going to be a cracker.’

‘What’s happened, Bebe? What has Driesler said?’

‘Nothing, Jack, Driesler hasn’t said anything.’

‘Shit, you’re such a natural politician, Bebe, really. Tell me what’s happened. Just tell me everything you’ve heard about Driesler since we left the UK.’

‘He’s about to publish.’

‘His book?’

Bebe nodded.

‘At last, the long-awaited book that’s going to change the way we all do science, show how we have been wrong these last four hundred years and prove Superforce incorrect. When do we get a copy?’

‘Not sure.’

‘Keep on top of it, Bebe, I want that fucker just as soon as I can get my little hands on it. Shit, I wish I wasn’t stuck down here out of the eye of the storm, I need to be at the centre. I’ll have a lot to say to that bastard. I can’t wait, I can’t bloody wait.’

Finally the thread broke so I rolled it into a tiny ball and flicked it onto the food table before finishing my drink with a single gulp. Bebe’s face relaxed when he sensed the Driesler conversation was going no further.

‘Are you all right, Jack? You seem unusually distracted this evening. Are you nervous?’

‘How do you think the security is down here?’ At last I’d got to the source of angst after my long vulture-like circling over a dying animal.

‘The security?’

‘Yes Bebe, the security. What’s wrong with you today? Have you stopped understanding basic English or have I started speaking in some alien tongue? I’m talking about the big bastards with number one haircuts and bits of plastic in their ears that make them look like outcasts from a deaf association Christmas gathering. Perhaps you could ask one for his earpiece—it might help you hear better. Now do you know whom I’m talking about? Good, now tell me if you think they’re up to their job. Am I safe, Bebe? I want to know if I’m safe.’

‘Of course you’re safe.’

‘Well Bebe, my fine English-educated Indian friend, I don’t feel fucking safe.’ I stood up and poured a drink, which I drained immediately. ‘In fact I feel decidedly unsafe. Take today as an example. When I entered the theatre, someone was watching me. I’m sure someone was watching me.’ I shivered at the memory. I hadn’t actually seen anyone, but I just knew. And there was a reason why they were there.

‘I’m sure there were a lot of people there, waiting for you. You’re very popular, Jack. My God, this happens everywhere we go.’

‘Someone is stalking me, Bebe. Last night when I went out for dinner with my schoolmates there was someone just on my shoulder, watching. They were there when Jo and I got in the car last night and here tonight. All it takes is for him or her to have a gun and I’m history. They get their Oswald moment, take me out and get famous. You know, I don’t begrudge them the fame—I mean fame is good, fame is cool, I like the fame—but what I don’t like, what I struggle with, is dying. Can you understand that? I’m just not sold on the idea of having my brains plastered over a brick wall. So, I’d like you to talk to the security guys. I want you to make sure they’re on top of their job. Make sure they know what protection is, because Bebe, I’m being stalked and I don’t like it. In fact, it’s freaking me out and I’m sure the company doesn’t want me freaking out, does it?’

‘Keep calm, Jack. I’ll talk to the security. Everything’s fine, everything’s cool…’

A knock interrupted his answer, but he still kept nodding his agreement to my request as he opened the door. I think I’d convinced him of my concern. Well, I like to think of it as concern, though perhaps it was closer to panic. I’d always been comfortable on planet fame. Suddenly, for the first time, I wanted to pull down the shutters and say the shop was closed. I was wary of everyone and even sitting in the dressing room I felt like shrinking when the door opened.

A young man with a shaved head and thick-rimmed black glasses poked his head in. He wore headphones, one cup on one ear, the other on a cheek. This was my call so I drained my glass and followed. Bebe patted my back as though his comfort was enough to protect me from whatever hostile acts awaited. The corridor was dark for a short distance, then lit. This heightened my sense of vulnerability and I walked close to the wall hoping it might offer some protection. A strong smell of cleaner from the floor stung my nose and turned my stomach. I thought of cancelling, I even ran through the various illnesses I might fake to convince Bebe of the sincerity of my complaint. But I knew there was no turning back so continued through to the other side of a door where all was dark and a pencil torch from the young man lit the way to my mark. We were backstage, just metres from exposure on stage. A single shot was all it would take. Just a single shot and I’d be gone.

Two taps on my shoulder told me my face microphone was now connected. The first chords of Pink Floyd’s ‘In the Flesh?’ crashed out, the floor trembled and a green haze from the stage lights filtered to where I stood, casting me in a ghoulish glow. When the guitar changed pace and moved from chords to a melody line I felt a tap on the top of my head and followed my cue to walk on stage. Applause greeted my appearance and as I reached centre-stage the green lights turned white and swung onto me in perfect synchronisation. The music died, the applause died and I was alone.

‘Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Jack Mitchell. Welcome to my world.’ As I walked across the stage a huge three-piece screen at the rear slowly lit to show Michelangelo’s ‘God drinking the waters of the earth’ from the Sistine Chapel ceiling. ‘I’d like to take you on a journey this evening, a journey through time and space, through history, through art and literature, a journey through the present and the future. This is a journey through our science and our culture. It will explain where we’ve come from and where we’re going. It will explain who we are and who we are to become. It will explain how we do science and what science does for us. Our world is a scientific world and our future is a scientific one.’ The screen dissolved into a million dots and reformed into the Hubble telescope picture of interstellar hydrogen clouds, looking like brown muddy streaks in a green pool of water. That picture dissolved and reformed into a picture of a bearded face. ‘Galileo, the father of science, let us begin with him,’ I announced.

The show moved seamlessly through Galileo, Newton, Faraday and Clerk-Maxwell with music, readings, a laser show and graphics to help explain the development of physics through their works and lives. The climax began in a sea of blue lights.

‘By the end of the nineteenth century it was assumed we had discovered all there was to discover about the natural world.’ Slowly the stage lights and screen dimmed. ‘Many scientists spoke of the end of physics.’ The last light went out and the theatre was in darkness. ‘However, such a prediction could not have been more wrong.’ On screen the familiar face of Albert Einstein appeared.

‘Far from nearing the end, physics was about to embark on its most revolutionary period. Physics would overthrow our accepted concepts of the world and change us in a myriad of ways. The new or modern physics, as it was called, to distinguish it from the classical science of Newton, had at its heart two theories: relativity and the quantum. They both owe their origins to Einstein. He was the mother of relativity in that he gave birth to it, having borrowed some concepts from elsewhere to help him conceive the theory. And he was the father of the quantum in that, although others formulated the theory, he provided essential material for its development. His idea of the photon, or light quanta, was the sperm, if you like, of the quantum theory and his later statistical work the sperm of the later quantum mechanics. And it is with quantum theory and quantum mechanics that we see most clearly how dependent our society is on the practical consequences of modern physics. They’ve directly led to specific new industries, which rely on the science of the theory and on scientists to develop them. The microchip, transistors, lasers—all rely on quantum theory to make them work and they’ve given birth to computers, telecommunications, the global economy and genetics.’ Images of the technology I named flashed on screen at ever-increasing speeds.

‘Let me illustrate my point with one example.’ The stage lights went out and purple laser rays from either side of the stage pierced the sudden dark, hitting angled mirrors. Jean Michel Jarre’s techno music filled the hall as an intricate purple pattern instantly formed across the stage. ‘In 1916 Einstein theorised about the process where excited atoms are triggered into releasing extra energy. What possible use could this have? Well, in the 1960s the laser was invented directly from his work. Today its uses are endless: lasers scan our groceries in the supermarket, run our CDs, create holograms, are used in laser surgery and, most importantly, lie at the heart of fibre optics and hence all modern communications. There would be no Internet without fibre optics, without the laser. So you can see that from a seemingly insignificant idea of Einstein’s, an important part of the framework of modern life is constructed.’ On screen a woman swung on her office chair, then dispersed into a thousand pieces before being sucked into a computer screen down a fibre optic cable and reappearing on a hundred screens in a hundred places.

‘Before Superforce there were four known forces: electromagnetism, the nuclear strong force, the nuclear weak force and gravity. This is where relativity and quantum enter the story again. All these forces except for gravity are explained by quantum theory, but gravity is explained by relativity. Now quantum is lumpy, it’s about energy coming in lumps, but relativity is smooth, continuous. Here is the problem of uniting the four forces, it means uniting quantum and relativity, or in other words the lumpy and the smooth. It’s like mixing sand and water.’

A computer-animated picture of a twisting, changing, and weaving pattern appeared on the screens. ‘We’ve now moulded these ideas. Superforce is what explains everything.’ The pattern formed into the formula of Superforce. As always I turned to admire my masterpiece. Even now, after two years, this assortment of numbers, letters and symbols took my breath away, the formula that had its genesis the day before Caroline killed herself. On cue I turned back to the audience, but suddenly my mind was a blank. There were no words in my memory, just the image of Caroline’s feet, the toes pointed to the ground, the red nail polish the only colour in view, and as I struggled to banish the thought all I could do was follow the slow swing of her jeans-covered legs. How strange that at this moment, on stage, in front of all these people, I should ask myself for the first time why she had done such a thing.

‘This is the heart of spiral field maths and of the deceptive beauty at the heart of Superforce. Look one way and you see quantum theory, look the other and you see relativity—two sides of the same coin, held just long enough by the maths to allow us to see which one we’re looking at. But what does this mean for us?’ I walked across stage, unsteady from my memory of Caroline. ‘Well, ladies and gentlemen, I don’t know. We just can’t tell what may come. So, when you’re asked, “Does this stuff really matter?” you shout, “Of course.” This formula, this force, explains the universe and the world around us. It’s the force that binds our materials together, and if we understand that, imagine what might be possible. Maybe we can manipulate matter itself and change a table into a cow, or dirt into gold. Perhaps we could make new energy and create our own tame black hole. Who knows? What I do know though is that the future is ours. Remember that one message when you leave. Science has made the future ours to mould. We just have to be brave enough to lay our hands on the clay. Thank you and goodnight.’

Applause thundered through the auditorium. I took my bows and left, waving to all parts of the audience. Bebe waited for me with a towel and water and I took the congratulations of those around me as I gulped down the liquid. The happy tempo of ELO blasted from the stage. As ‘Mr Blue Sky’ played, I knew the magical animated tour around a black hole and through the other side where everyday images changed shape, was showing on the stage screen.

Bebe and I relaxed in the changing room after I’d changed from my sweat-soaked clothes and sunk my first post-show drink. That one always tasted good, almost on a par with the first of the day. The adrenalin of the show had shrugged off my earlier gloom. All the lights were on now and I was ready for the party, though there was still some lingering uneasiness at the thought of Caroline’s hanging feet.

‘The world should see you, Jack. You were marvellous out there. I’d like to see Driesler try and do something like that. He’s just a bag of gas.’

‘You know, Bebe, I’ve been pondering our earlier conversation about Mr Driesler. I can’t help but think what a grand coincidence it is that when he publishes his book, I’m stuck down here at the other end of the world, away from all the action.’

‘Conspiracy theorist.’

‘Maybe, but how convenient it is for the company to have me here.’

‘This trip has been planned for months.’

‘And Driesler’s book?’

‘We don’t have any control over that.’

‘Don’t you?’

‘Of course we don’t. Christ, Jack, the company supports you fully, we’ve spent millions…’

‘Bebe, spare me the company bullshit, I know how it works: the king is dead, long live the king. If Taikon think he’s a better bet in the future then I’d be put out to pasture, contract tied and silenced while Frank steps into my fame-sodden shoes. And think how much easier he’d be to manage. Shit, he’d be low maintenance compared to me. I bet he doesn’t have any vices, I bet he’s squeaky clean. The company would love that, wouldn’t they, Bebe? No risk of scandal to dirty the image. What a partnership, and how easy it would be to get me off the scene. I mean, a few kiss-and-tell stories and I’d be in disgrace, I’d be blasted off planet fame with a one-way ticket.’

‘You’re talking rubbish, Jack.’

‘Am I?’

‘Yes you are, rubbish.’ He checked his watch. ‘Let’s go to the party.’

‘Why won’t you let me comment on his book?’

‘The company wants a planned response. The boys in Europe are anxious to go through everything with you first. In fact that shows how committed they are to you, how much they respect you.’

‘You’re so well practised in the art of spin, Bebe.’

‘Let’s go.’

‘You had better be straight with me, Bebe. If I find you lot are in bed with Driesler I would be one very sad and unhappy boy.’

The Hilton party was in full swing when we arrived. The guests babbled their excitement at being seen at one of the parties of the year. Bebe had performed his usual impeccable job in preparing the guests and the working girls mixed with the wannabes. In fact, he had excelled and the party was well stocked like a fine wine cellar. Protocol demanded I first meet the head of Taikon in Australasia. He was a short man with a wispy moustache that hinted at weak stubble on a Sunday morning and he spoke with an unusually staccato voice. I played the game, graciously accepting congratulations, talking up the company and talking down the competitors. Nodding in agreement and laughing at poor jokes, I shook outstretched hands with a firm, warm greeting. Bebe hovered at my shoulder, ensuring my drink was full and my comments bland. He had every reason to be pleased with my performance and told me so at every opportunity as we moved from one group to another. Finally after an hour Bebe relaxed his grip and let me go play.

The toilets at the Hilton are an interesting mix of Raffles and the space station: all the trappings of colonial class in a sanitised environment. I lingered in them for a while, taking care over a wash and dry of hands, combing my hair and adjusting my clothes. It was nice to be away from the sweaty mass, my work for the evening done and the fun about to begin. I toyed with the idea of taking a pew and contemplating my worries, but I really couldn’t be fucked to get morose again so I just winked at myself and left the toilet to its orbit.

Once back in the party the calves of a particularly fine pair of legs caught my attention. Thankfully the face and figure matched.

Her voice was husky, heavily accented, reminiscent of a Berlin jazz club. She wore a red velvet dress, a little cheap, with some frayed edges, but not so cheap as to immediately give away her status. This was a working dress, not a night-time special to get on the pages of Woman’s Day. Her name was Claudia and she had come from Russia to New Zealand two years ago, but her English was almost perfect. Her black hair, shiny and soft as an advertisement, formed a waterfall on her shoulders. It reminded me of a thoroughbred’s tail. She wore heavy black shoes that tightened those black-clad calves and her body swayed to an imaginary tune.

Looking into my eyes without quite focusing she answered my question: ‘Paul for my wedding ballad, John to run away with.’ It was good enough for me. I touched her arm and guided her toward Bebe. As I moved I shook more hands, took more congratulations and flashed a smile or two. Already my mind was imagining hands running the smooth path of those legs.

It was just before I reached Bebe that Jo appeared at his side. He acknowledged her hesitantly, quickly assessed the dangers and tried to distract her with an overelaborate welcome. To the outsider it must have seemed as though Bebe was greeting a long-lost lover. The diversion almost succeeded and I had just about escaped the throng when her interest in Bebe suddenly waned and she turned straight into my path. She greeted me with a sloppy kiss; her breath smelt of drink and her eyes were dazed.

‘Jo?’

‘You said to come along to the party, Jack, so here I am.’ She held out her arms as though offering me her body in sacrifice. Her eyes failed to focus on anything and slowly her gaze fell to the floor. ‘Can we go to your room? I just want last night to come again.’

‘Who’s the friend?’ Claudia sniffed the air as though Jo was a foreign body and there was a risk of contamination.

I introduced them and there was an uneasy silence as Bebe hovered on the outside of the group, ready to bring the meeting to an end. Claudia touched my arm. ‘I’m sure there’s enough of everything to go around.’ Jo was too drunk to care, Claudia looked more than comfortable with her idea and I was almost halfway up the stairs with my trousers down.

Even before I’d fumbled the cork free of the first champagne bottle, Claudia was into the coke. She divided three lines on the glass coffee tabletop and we took one each in turn. Between us, Claudia and I had enough to keep the hotel going for the night, but it was Jo who greedily consumed the most. As for the rest of the evening, though, the memory is hazy, or perhaps better to say corrupted. I know the broad brushstrokes of drink, drugs and sex, but the more precise details are lost. Everything just kind of rolled into one experience of head spinning, saliva spreading, grunting, sweating, and sniffing as though it was all one. Finally the cocaine-induced energy waned and we slept.

Never before had Bebe entered my bedroom when I still had a woman with me, but we had slept through his various attempts to rouse us—the phone had been knocked to the floor by some contorted limb. He pulled the curtains and shook my shoulder to wake me.

‘Come on, Jack, we have to do the Holmes show,’ he whined. He was dressed in an immaculate blue suit and I could smell his expensive aftershave as he leant over the bed. I opened an aching eye and saw the look of disgust on his face. ‘My God, Jack, what has been going on in here? It’s like a scene from Caligula. Come on, get up—we have to go. I never thought it would come to this.’ He shook his head.

I half sat up, trying to ignore the heavy hangover, which I had already assessed as a grade one with bells on—loud bells that echoed throughout my head the way a house alarm does when you’re inside. Claudia appeared from under a tangle of bedclothes, looked around, yawned and got out of bed. She still wore her stockings, one of which had slipped to below the knee. Bebe held up a towel, which she ignored as she collected her clothes and took them to the bathroom. Determined to use his scorned towel he held it to me, shaking it like a matador in the hope it would entice me from the bed. I obliged and wrapped the towel around my waist. Jo remained asleep, her back to us. Bebe circled the bed to her side. ‘Come on, young lady,’ he called but she refused to respond.

‘Jo,’ I croaked, my voice rebounding in my head like a bullet in a lead room, ‘her name is Jo.’

‘Come on, Jo, time to get going.’ She remained silent. Bebe touched her arm. ‘Jo. Jo? Jack, I think there’s something wrong here.’

Hearing the panic in his voice, I scrambled around the bed. My poorly secured towel fell from my body at the sudden movement. I rolled Jo onto her back. Her arm swung and fell lifelessly. She was pale but warm and although her body was limp, I could see the shallow rise of her chest as she breathed what must have been no more than an eggcup full of air. I closed my eyes and there was Caroline again and not just her feet this time, but her entire body, her head to one side, mocking that once vital, questioning pose of hers.

‘Oh fuck, Jack.’ Bebe was leaning over Jo, peering into her eyes, his finger delicately holding up an eyelid smeared with old shadow. It was the first time I’d heard him swear. ‘I think she’s in a coma.’

‘What are we going to do, Bebe?’

Claudia slid silently from the bathroom. She moved like a stalking cat, but when she saw the panic in our eyes and Jo’s apparently lifeless body, she stopped her slow walk.

‘Shit,’ continued Bebe as he experimented with his new vocabulary. ‘You two need to go to my room.’

‘I’m not going anywhere.’ Claudia was already near the door.

Bebe composed himself, dropped his hands to the side of his body and in a low whisper that carried a menace I’d never heard before said, ‘You two go to my room, wait there for me and do not leave until I say you can leave.’ I took his key and like two chastised schoolchildren we went to Bebe’s room. Claudia’s defiance was clearly all show and Bebe’s resoluteness had for the moment silenced her objections. Bebe’s room, as always, was in the same corridor, but not next to mine as might be expected—perhaps he thought I might keep him awake at night. The room was fastidiously tidy and even though no maid had yet visited, the bed was made. I sat down and watched Claudia continue her stalking cat routine. She lit a cigarette and flicked ash into a glass.

‘Do you always do what he tells you?’

‘Pretty much,’ I replied.

‘I’m not staying here.’

‘I think you should, we need to sort some things out.’

‘That’s why I’m not staying here.’

I clenched my teeth. This was my first moment of reflection on what had happened and the reflection was shit ugly. I felt sick. ‘You have to stay, Claudia.’ Fighting the nausea was going to be pointless. Deprivations of the body from the night before, mixed with the shock of Jo’s condition, were irresistible forces. I ran to the bathroom to vomit. There were no warm-up coughs to acclimatise the body to what was to come. Oh no, I sprayed the sink immediately with a high-octane mixture of old alcohol, remnants of food, bile and the not so humble smell of fear. At the end there were also some tears, but I could not be sure if they came from the experience of vomiting or from the shit piling up around me. After the last shocks finally abated I washed away the remnants of my stomach before splashing water on my face. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Was this really me?

Claudia was gone. It was no surprise, and who could blame her. Christ, given half the chance I’d join her. There was something undeniably attractive about just walking from this room and leaving everything behind. Bebe would do all he could, but I knew the company would lose their collective minds over this escapade. If any of this reached the papers I’d be sunk and my drowning would leave a very dirty mark on my very clean masters. Oh yes, this was bad; this was fucking bad.

‘Just one thing, Jack, just one thing, that’s all I asked of you.’ Bebe had returned. ‘And you couldn’t even do that. Why did you let her go?’ He strode around the room flapping the air with a towel to clear the smoke. He’d yet to find the glass full of ash. He was sweating and his shirt had dark marks under the arms and down the back.

‘How is Jo?’ I was almost too afraid to ask.

‘In a coma, Jack, she’s in a bloody coma.’

‘Where is she now?’

‘Hospital.’

‘Will she live?’

‘That’s in God’s hands now.’

He noticed the glass and picked it up with the tip of his finger and thumb as though it contained a dog turd. ‘What an earth were you doing last night?’

‘Just having some fun.’

‘Going fishing with a friend is having fun, going to a sports game with your son is having fun, listening to music and having a dance is having fun, but an orgy with a Russian hooker and an old school friend while taking enough cocaine to keep Napoleon’s army going isn’t having fun. It’s called destroying your life, and it’s bloody senseless. You’ve gone too far this time, Jack. She might die.’

‘I know and I feel awful.’

‘Awful? Awful? Is that all you can say? I’ll tell you something, Jack—you’re coming apart at the seams. Paranoid stories about being followed, sex, drugs and drink out of control…’ He was crying as he spoke. ‘You have so many gifts. I’d cut off my left leg for a fraction of your talent, but what do you do with it all? You give up work and slowly destroy yourself and everything you’ve worked for.’

‘I can’t work, Bebe, there’s nothing left for me. I’ve achieved my peak and I know I’ll never come close again. Even if I work for a hundred years I can’t touch what I’ve done. Everything seems so bloody mundane in comparison. There’s nothing left for me, Bebe, nothing.’

‘The company has to know about this. You have no idea what I’ve had to do to sort this out.’ He pulled a tissue from the box beside his bed and dabbed his eyes. ‘I don’t know what’s going to happen, Jack.’

‘Thank you, Bebe. Thank you for helping.’

‘I did it for the girl, I did it for myself,’ he lied.

‘I know—thank you for helping her. I’m sure she’ll pull through and she’ll owe her life to you. That is something to really be proud of, Bebe, a real achievement that matters, not some fantasy like mine.’

He stopped crying. ‘I’ve cancelled today’s press meetings—I said you were unwell. Jack, will you promise me something? Will you promise to get some help when we get back to England? Will you see someone about what troubles you so much?’

I dropped my head and sat silently.

‘You can’t even do that, can you? At such a desperate moment as this you can’t seek help.’

‘There’s something that just drives me to it, Bebe, and I don’t know that I want it to stop.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because without it there would just be this fucking huge ugly void and I’m scared of it. At least I know about the drink and the sex.’

‘How ironic that you’re afraid of the unknown when your work takes everyone else there.’

‘Can I go back to my room now, please?’

No one would have imagined what had happened in the room just hours before. The bed was made, the room tidied and cleaned, and all previously scattered possessions in their rightful place. I avoided asking Bebe how he’d sorted this problem, how he’d turned the clock back and manufactured a different outcome to protect me. How much had Claudia’s disappearance upset his plans? It was best I didn’t know. It didn’t stop me speculating, though. I bet he engineered the finding of Jo’s body in another room. The hotel would have been compliant: after all, they wouldn’t want any bad publicity and there would have been the offer of some future Taikon conference to smooth the changed records required to cover up the story and sever any connection with Jo. Everything would be taken care of, everything except Claudia, of course. Thanks to me, Claudia was still free.

Slowly late afternoon invaded the room, casting shadows on the furniture. I tried sleeping, but it was impossible. Jo’s lifeless face and fragments of the night before forced themselves on me. Somehow I had to get away. I dressed and walked the waterfront for an hour. The evening was cool and thick cloud pressed down on the horizon. A guard walked with me and I pulled my hat low to avoid recognition. I felt hunted, as though everyone on the street knew what I’d done. It might not be long before they actually did know. Could one of them be my stalker? The thought made me angry.

When I returned to the hotel, the manager passed me an envelope. In my room I sat on a chair I was sure Jo had never used and read the letter at least six or seven times. The night was almost on me and I let the room darken until I could no longer read.

THE NEW ZEALAND HERALD

A Star So Bright

So finally Jack Mitchell has returned home to New Zealand—and what a homecoming. His show at the Aotea Centre last night was a stunning experience. Part rock star, part bar lounge crooner, part sex symbol and total genius, Mitchell had it all. And he held the audience spellbound for nearly ninety minutes.

The show is all about unity. Unity lies at the heart of Mitchell’s work as a scientist. Superforce unites deep and disparate forces and provides a unifying theory to underpin our science. Clearly his need to bring things together is a much deeper craving than just in science and that is what the show is all about. Pink Floyd rubs shoulders with Eminem; there is even a dash of ELO (if anyone remembers them). There are lasers and lights, a speech from Martin Luther King and poetry from Auden and Owen. All of this and a history of science from Galileo to the present and connections made about how science affects our daily lives.

I learnt a great deal by going to this show. I learnt more about science than I ever did at school and I learnt about the connections between ideas and music and literature. Above all, though, I learnt that Mitchell is selling something a bit different to the world. He is not an ivory tower science nerd and he is more than a mere scientist. He is bringing science out of the cupboard and putting it front of mind and helping us to be less afraid of it on the way. Science is cool—that’s his message.

It is a shame that he only has two shows here, but schedules dictate Mitchell now. I hope he returns soon. I guess at least there will be the DVD in the meantime.

Dear Jack,

I saw your show last night. It certainly was dazzling; you were certainly dazzling. I look at you from the crowd, sometimes I get close and I know you know I’m there and I think how special you’ve become.

You love your science, I know that, but what’s with the show and all those connections? What are you searching for, Jack, because you’re searching for something, aren’t you? Is it to be more famous than Einstein, is that why you talk so much about him? Always straining to be compared with him.

If you really thought you had all the answers with that theory of yours you wouldn’t be out there still searching.

Science doesn’t explain why your wife killed herself, does it? Science doesn’t explain why you loved your lover’s sister. Science doesn’t explain why you gasp at the poetry of Owen, or cry at the art of Michelangelo.

Science doesn’t explain what looks back at you from the mirror in the morning.

The thing is, Jack, I have the answer. Are you willing to find out?

If you’re willing, I’ll be outside your hotel at 11 tomorrow morning.

I hope to see you, Jack.

NINE

Dad was in the back garden digging the border at the bottom of the slope. It was cold and I pulled my jacket tight around my body. He was more stooped than I remembered and he appeared to have shrunk. Finally he turned, saw me, drove his spade into the soft earth and waved. How our roles had reversed since he stood where I now was to tell me that Mum was gone. That day I was the one in the garden responding with an innocent wave.

I sat at the kitchen table and watched him potter from cupboard to drawer as he went about the rudiments of making a cup of tea. How many times had I sat at this table and watched his ritual? The teabags, spoon, cup and sugar were all in their unchanged places, but then everything about the kitchen, about the house, was unchanged. It was like a caricature of itself, a sitcom set. ‘My word, that kitchen was so well done, the eye for detail, the formica and browns—oh, and that table.’ At the centre of the table was the wooden fruit bowl I’d made in woodwork the year before Mum left. As usual it contained a couple of spotted bananas and two or three mandarins wrinkled with age. Perhaps the fruit had been there since the day he told me Mum was gone. How he fought himself, trying so hard to keep face, but inside he crumbled. It was like watching an inner-city building being demolished. There’s that moment when all its strength is suddenly gone and it starts its drop. For a fleeting moment it’s still a building, but that’s just an illusion and in seconds it’s nothing more than dust.

I knew every inch of this house. Blindfold me, give me a list of ten items and I’d find them within five minutes. There was a time when this ability confused me, but I’ve worked it all out now: this is the only real home I’ve ever known. There hasn’t been another to interfere with my memory of this one. Sure, I’ve lived in other places, but there’s never been another home. I have a flat in London, but it’s nothing more than a base: it doesn’t even have a television or a sofa. Instead I’ve lived in a steady stream of hotel rooms. I never make a cup of tea and know instinctively where to find the bloody spoon. Sitting at my old kitchen table, where I’d sat all my childhood and youth eating chops, mashed potato and peas, I suddenly realised just how much I’d missed having a home. This was strange because the thought had never crossed my mind before and now in a heartbeat I wanted to change this nomadic life. I wanted a home. I wanted a table with old meal stains and I wanted a drawer with teaspoons.

‘So when are you off?’

‘Tomorrow afternoon.’

‘Finally got round to your dad then?’

‘Come on, Dad, no need for that.’

‘I was beginning to wonder if you’d actually make a visit.’

Perhaps he was right. There was a chance I’d never have come here, but then the Jo debacle happened. All morning I’d battled myself about visiting her in hospital. I simply couldn’t drive poor Jo from my thoughts. I just wanted to know how she was, if she had survived the night. This could have been good old self-preservation. After all, if she died my mess got a whole lot messier, but I think there was some genuine compassion in there as well. But if I went there Bebe would have the right to cut off my balls, roast them and cast them into the sea. I owed Bebe too much to fuck him off again by going to visit Jo.

After Caroline’s death I’d returned home in just the same way as I’d done now. I remember sitting at this same table, unshaven, hungry and thirsty, my head spinning from the germ of spiral maths and the suicide. Dad’s concern extended to his making me a cup of tea with ‘two sugars to keep you going’. After a five-minute silence he pulled out the whisky and we shared two stiff drinks.

‘First Mum, now Caroline,’ I’d said.

‘Don’t blame yourself, son, your mum did what she did for a reason.’ I gave him credit for leaving out speculation about Caroline.

How nice of him to protect Mum, but he didn’t need to. I know I should have blamed her, just as I blamed Caroline for abandoning me. After all, Mum had robbed me of her mothering, and she had robbed me of Dad’s fathering. When she went, she took Dad from me as well. Before she’d left there had been all those shared trips together to the bach and fishing, but that all evaporated. We never landed a snapper together again, never sat in the bach and watched the evening die over the sea. I missed my old dad, the one I’d loved and admired, the man with the swimming togs and the wispy hair at the back of his neck that never seemed to get shaved properly at the barber’s. The one I had now was just a pretend dad. But I never did blame her: it was either my fault or his.

‘I didn’t get to your show, Jack, sorry.’

And so here we were again. Now it was Jo slipping away, but at least she was fighting to stay, unlike Caroline. I hadn’t seen much sign of a fight from her.

‘Probably too loud anyway.’

‘Probably.’

After tea I slipped away to my old room. In the twelve years since I’d left home for Cambridge I’d spent only a handful of nights back here. I sat on the bed. The sheets had probably been unchanged for a year and smelt vaguely damp and musty; I shivered at the thought of sleeping in their clammy hold.

In the wardrobe hung clothes left from my teenage years, a pair of cords and an old green shirt that I always ended up wearing when I went out. On the top shelf was a cardboard box. This was the reason for my return. I placed the box on the bed. It was full of letters, cards and various pieces of paper, all sent by Mary to me in my first year at Cambridge. I pulled the first one from the front, took the pages from the envelope and laid them flat on my knee. The paper was well creased and crinkled when I ironed it flat with the palm of my hand. On the other knee I laid the envelope of the letter sent to me in the hotel. There was no doubt the handwriting was different.

I should have finished there. I should have slipped the pages back and put the box in the wardrobe to wait for another God knows how many years before I returned to look at them again. It wouldn’t have been hard. Clumsily I withdrew one of the letters, all fingers and thumbs as though picking an index card from a filing drawer.

When I was away, Mary wrote frantically as though it was her job and failure to send a regular letter was a disciplinary offence leading to dismissal. How I treasured them, reading every line over and over as I sat in the freezing front room of Mrs Grey’s home. In the summer I’d read them as I sat in the evening sun listening to blackbirds singing in the garden. The future seemed so simple back then, mapped out and manageable, all boxed up and ready to go. An academic career, a settled, ordered life and my first girlfriend who I thought would be a wife. I was at ease with my talents. However, that was before Caroline. She saw what was inside me and picked it out like the most skilful oystercatcher prizing open a shell. Mary thought the shell beautiful and was happy to look at the outside; Caroline wanted the pearl.

I pulled the pages from the envelope. The paper, creamy and thick, was different from all the others. This letter was from a different era. I read the painfully familiar lines, not even realising I was crying until the first tear dropped from the end of my nose.

Jack,

So finally I’m able to write. The last time I wrote to you was a week before you were due to return from Cambridge at the end of last year. It was an exciting time; I don’t think I’d ever looked forward to something quite as much as the thought of you arriving at the airport. I went to sleep thinking of that moment and awoke with the very same thought. Whenever I look back at what has happened I find it so ironic that, having survived all those months apart, everything should go wrong within just two weeks of your return. Perhaps there’s something meaningful or symbolic about that, but I’ll leave that to you, because I’m probably too stupid to recognise whatever it is.

I have written this letter a hundred times in my head and started almost as many times on paper. Always I’ve tried to avoid clichés, but I’m sorry, I can’t so you’ll just have to put up with the obvious. I think you might owe me that at least. There’s no other way to say you’ve broken my heart, because that’s what you’ve done, Jack—you’ve broken my heart. It goes without saying that I’ll never forgive you or Caroline. I just wish I knew why you did this to me. Did you think we could still all be friends? Did she think sisterly love (yeah, some joke, I know) would see us all through these ‘difficult times’?

Well it won’t.

Nothing you say, or do, can ever heal my pain. Oh yes, I can just see the two of you, sitting in Cambridge (yes, I do know that much), in your sophisticated love nest, laughing at me as you read this. Mocking me as you have some high-level ‘intellectual’ discussion about silly old Mary. After all, the two of you are soooo mature and worldly. It must be lonely on that mountaintop. What was it Caroline said? ‘You must realise, Mary, Jack lives on another level, and he needs someone to nurture him.’ She didn’t say that I was unable to do that for you, but then she didn’t need to—did she? The two of you had made that bloody obvious.

The mature thing to do would be to wish you well, but I don’t wish you well—so I’m NOT going to say it. In fact, I’m not sure what it is I wish you. My thoughts swing from the evil to the weird, from some strange kindness because of what we once had, to hate, but in the end it will do me no good to wish you ill, so I leave it in some kind of neutral.

I wish so much that none of this had happened. It’s probably my fault for mapping out such a detailed future for us so early on. Perhaps our foundations weren’t strong enough. But all the time we were together it all felt so good and so right. Whatever else happens in life I do know that some-how this first love will have been the best.

This is the last letter I shall write to you. I’d like to think it would be the last time we’ll ever be in contact, but somehow I know that’s not going to be the case. Our paths will cross, Jack. Our paths will cross again.

The question is: who will be the sadder that day?

Mary

TEN

Caroline, you should have a look at this…oh God, she’s really hurting.’

‘Who?’

‘Mary, she’s written a letter.’ I held out the three pages like Neville Chamberlain with his Munich peace papers. ‘It’s her farewell statement to us.’ Caroline sat next to me, indifferent. ‘You should read this, it’s really awful.’

‘What did you expect?’ She sat with one foot curled under her bottom as though nurturing it for hatching.

‘Read it.’

‘I don’t want to.’ She uncurled her leg and stretched the stiffness from her knee and ankle. She fetched a cigarette packet and ashtray from the table then, hips swaying, returned to the old sofa. She had slimmed down since we’d first met: a student diet and English winter had taken their toll. Our sofa sank in the middle where its springs were broken and the brown velvet covering was worn bare. When Caroline sat next to me we rolled together. I enjoyed the sudden contact.

‘Aren’t you curious about what she says?’

‘No.’

‘Why not?’

‘I got my own letter.’

‘When?’

‘Today. I just didn’t want to share it with you.’ She registered my astonishment, took the letter, read it and replaced it in my unmoved hand. When she sat back, the movement released an old musty smell from deep within the bowels of the sofa and her nostrils flared. A look of momentary disgust darkened her face. This was a familiar look brought on by our bed-sit. But when she saw my frown, she smiled and touched my cheek with the palm of her hand. ‘Does it worry you what she says? Are you hurt?’

‘No, I’m not worried, not hurt.’

‘You shouldn’t be. She didn’t understand you and so the two of you were doomed. It was just a matter of time. Now she’s just being petty and pathetic. Worse than pathetic actually.’

‘Do you feel any guilt, Caroline?’

‘No. What happened was meant to be, Jack. There was no hope for the two of you. It was just a matter of time.’

‘But she’s your sister. Don’t you feel anything, don’t you feel any pain?’

‘She’s not my sister any more. I’ve disowned her and it’s mutual.’

‘How can you say that?’

‘It’s in my letter. Yours is mild in comparison to mine, she saved the best for me. Well, that’s fine, I want nothing more to do with her and she wants nothing more to do with me. It’s all right, Jack, there’s no need to look so worried. We’ve all made our choices and now we move on. What’s gone is gone—Mary’s gone. All that remains is for me to now tell her how I feel.’

I nuzzled into her shoulder. The sofa smell was replaced with the sweeter scent of her perfume. In the eight months since the afternoon in her Titirangi house I’d been with her almost every day, yet my feelings for Caroline were as fresh as if we’d just met.

That day in Titirangi. When I left, dazed and tired, my senses worn to bursting, I knew things were different. Something very large had shifted inside as though someone had entered my head and rearranged the furniture. The walls were the same, but everything else was different. I knew immediately what had to happen: I needed to go straight to Mary, confess, end it with her and accept the consequences. There was pain to experience, anger to negotiate and all the shit you get when you hurt someone as deeply as they can be hurt. I should have been exposed to all that. I should have witnessed all I was responsible for. But halfway there I lost my nerve and returned home instead. Through a torrid rainstorm, with the old wipers of my father’s car failing to clear the deluge, I convinced myself it was best that I went home and saw Mary another day. I ran away and no amount of tinsel could alter that fact.

Once home I took to my sick bed and feigned illness. I lay awake all night practising what I should say. And as always happens when things are put off, it became more and more difficult to see how I could broach the subject with her. The next day I avoided seeing her by saying I was unwell. Mary rang constantly to check on my progress and said she counted the hours before seeing me. Then suddenly the calls stopped.

I was sitting at the kitchen table, pondering whether to eat one of Dad’s shrivelled oranges, when Caroline appeared at the door. Dad was in the garden and I could hear his tuneless whistle through the open back door. Caroline could barely contain her excitement and neither could I: it was the first time we’d met since that afternoon. If there were any doubts about what I’d done, they dissipated in that electric moment when I saw her and remembered in one charged pulse all we had done. It was an overload to the emotion circuit and for a brief second I felt light-headed. Caroline had just come from Mary. She had told her what had happened, she had told her about the reconfigured future. I thought Caroline would be angry for having had to take matters in hand, but she wasn’t. Far from it, I think she saw the delivery of such news as her responsibility.

How did I feel? Relief. I should have felt guilty about what we’d done to Mary, but I actually experienced a more mundane guilt about not having been the one to tell her. My thoughts curled in a curious and unexpected way. Not telling her was a lesser crime than being unfaithful. I was left insulated from the effects of what had happened, insulated from the pain I had caused. If I avoided the effects of my actions I avoided unpleasant consequences. What a heady lesson.

In my remaining weeks in New Zealand I moved the meagre possessions I had with me to Caroline’s home and stayed with her. After just three days she told me she was coming to Cambridge with me and had spent her last thousand dollars on the ticket. There was no hope of us staying at Mrs Grey’s—she was fierce at keeping women from her bastion—so I packed my bags and we rented the cheapest bed-sit we could find in Trumpington, on the outskirts of the city. I had my old Escort and its temperamental starter motor as transport. Caroline found a part-time job as a waitress and I settled into my second year of university. I seldom thought of Mary in those first few months, seldom wondered what she thought of me or how she was. It wasn’t until summer that she wrote.

For the last two days a strong summer heat had blasted the city and a summer malaise settled over its inhabitants. The holidays had started and Cambridge entered its yearly metamorphosis from university town to tourist Mecca. Only a few of the international students like me remained. The shaggy, bearded, head-down and shoulder-hunched young had given way to tourists who shuffled their way round the sights, clicking their cameras for photographs that most would see only once, then consign to a bottom drawer. Little else moved in the heat. It was a typical English summer, I was told: weeks of threatening wind and clouds suddenly turned hot as if a switch had been thrown. The concrete and asphalt absorbed the heat and spat it out like a giant reflector.

Caroline and I retreated to our room. The bed-sit was hardly big enough for a pygmy, let alone two adults. The velvet sofa and the heavy wooden table under a bay window took most of the available space. A tiny kitchen alcove occupied one side of the room, complete with an old enamel sink and a gas water heater that burst to life when water was run with the ferocity of an Apollo rocket. I doubted it had passed any safety test and scorch marks around the hole where the flame could be spied spoke of years of neglect. On the other side of the room a Japanese painted screen hid the bed from view.

In New Zealand, heat like this felt clean and fierce. In Cambridge it felt dirty as though it carried the vestiges of muck and dirt collected on a journey through many cities. In New Zealand the sea purifies the heat but the North Sea is no match for the Pacific. We had talked about returning home in the two-month summer break but we didn’t have the money and, anyway, what was there to return to? We weren’t exactly going to be welcomed into the bosom of Caroline’s loving family. As for Dad, I’m not sure he even realised I’d returned to England. So we camped inside, stripped to our underwear, sweated and sat lifelessly. Occasionally we shared a cold bath in the communal bathroom. The bath had a tidemark so dark it looked as though a marker pen had been used. Hair of many heads and body parts were smeared on most surfaces.

It was during these days that we took serious drugs for the first time. We’d smoked dope every week, but on the first night of the heatwave Caroline brought home tablets, a lot of tablets. We broke into our supply of booze to help them on their way. With the hot weather forecast for the week we hunkered down and got serious. Just how many drugs would it take for us to depart the mother ship? Days and nights lost their division and became almost one, distinguishable only by the degree of heat. Boundaries melted and every time elements of normality returned we popped some tablets and drank more tequila.

On the third day Caroline drew as though her very life depended on producing a great picture every hour. She scattered paper on the tiny floor space, across the bed and over the table and sweated so heavily with her effort her hair looked as though she’d just showered. In the middle of her frenzy she pushed everything she’d accumulated on the table to the floor and insisted I sit and work, but before I could start she gave me tablets and challenged me to abandon all assumptions. For hours I sat at the great wooden table and played with equations over and over until I felt a loss of control, until the maths seemed to take on a life of its own, spilling out of me and refusing to stop, even when it became so weird I got quite scared. Only the next day, during a period of near lucidity when I read what I’d done, did I realise just how far I’d pushed myself and how crazy some of the ideas were. But I saw something among the tangle of equations—words and sayings that immediately caught my breath. But almost as suddenly they were gone. My mind was so tired I just couldn’t hold the revelation. However, I knew the insight was unnervingly different and that something fundamentally new could be born. I had no idea it would take years of frustration to find it again.

The day after our creative burst was a day of rest, and that was when Mary’s letters arrived.

Caroline stirred on the sofa. ‘We have to write back.’

‘Why?’

‘Don’t you see? It’s just us now, Jack, us against the world. We don’t need anyone and they don’t need us, so let’s tell them.’

‘There’s no need. Mary knows what she thinks. Why bother to say any more?’

‘It’s not for her, Jack.’

‘So who is it for then?’

‘Us, of course, it’s for us. As long as we remain silent there’s always the base for a bridge to be built, but I don’t want there to be the chance of any bridges, so let’s destroy the base, let’s fucking rip it apart.’

‘Are you sure?’

She scrambled from the sofa and stood in front of me wearing just bra and pants. Her body was so taut it looked magnificent and her eyes bulged so wide I thought they might pop out of her head. A fresh sweat formed on her brow and nose, or was that a tear—yes, I think a tear. ‘It’s just us, Jack, and let me tell you, together we’re going to do great things.’ She held out her hands as if showing the length of a recently caught fish, then extended them as wide as they could go. ‘Great things, and we don’t need anyone to help us. So let’s cut ourselves free, let’s tell Mary what we think.’ She went to the table and started writing so fast and furiously that the felt-tip pen began squeaking.

I poured a tequila and reread Mary’s letter. The sour taste of the drink turned my stomach and sent a shiver through my body. I almost pined for the chance to vomit and rid my body of the accumulated poisons of the past days. Such vomit would carry an awful taste of old alcohol and maybe a taste never to be forgotten. For long seconds I teetered on the edge of a future abstinence. The room felt more oppressive than at any time during the heat wave and I felt sweat trickle down my trunk and between my thighs. I squirmed as the threadbare patch of the sofa chafed the undersides of my legs. What mischief had this sofa seen over the years of student tenants? The mere thought of what might have lived here before added to my discomfort, but I lacked the energy to move. I continued to sit and suffer. Caroline’s breathing sounded raucous in the quiet of the room, so raucous I almost begrudged her the air she breathed. It was too hot even for the birds to sing. My stomach continued to rebel at the thought of the drink I still held in my hand. I raised it to my lips. The smell was almost enough to make me retch, but I forced the glass up and drained the liquid. The revulsion in my stomach calmed and I poured another drink, swallowing it more greedily than the first.

‘There.’ Caroline’s voice contained a heady note of triumph. ‘You read this, Jack. I’m going to get dressed and then I’m going straight out to post it.’

After reading her letter I let out a long heavy sigh. I don’t think I could have written such words to my most hated enemy. Everything Caroline had said to me was there, plus much, much more. Sister told sister that she’d never loved her and that she’d vowed to take what was most precious to her. That, of course, had proved to be me. Was that all I was to Caroline—a prize with which to wound her sister, or were they just words to ensure there was no chance of reconciliation between them? I didn’t know how much of this was true. I imagined poor Mary reading the words. What had she ever done to deserve this?

I heard the closing of a drawer and swearing from the space behind the screen where Caroline had gone to get changed. Quickly I grabbed a pen from the table and wrote at the bottom of the page: I’m sorry, Mary. Keep strong. Before Caroline returned I put the pages in the envelope she’d already addressed and sealed the flap.

‘Thanks,’ she said without suspicion. She took the envelope and left the flat. I poured another drink and returned to the sofa. I’d committed my crime against Caroline—I’d broken ranks, I’d left a crack. I don’t think I could really have done anything worse. How strange, I’d never thought how Mary might have felt for what I’d done to her, but I felt the pain from what her sister was saying. Was I in some way immune to my own wrongs, but not others’?

Four years later

Dear Jack,

How are you? Well, I hope. Thank you for your last letter. I don’t suppose I’m surprised that you and Caroline are married. When I told Mum and Dad they rolled their eyes in mock wonder but it couldn’t hide their pain. They’re still so confused about the whole thing; they just don’t understand how it has happened. They see no reason for Caroline’s hostility and why she won’t speak to them. For Dad it’s become a principle and I think he would reject her if she ever tried to contact him. But Mum’s different; she thinks about it every day and now she’s missed her daughter’s wedding. I don’t think anything will make up for that loss. Mum deflects the whole thing by blaming you. There will never be much of a welcome for you in the Roberts family I’m afraid, but then I’m sure you wouldn’t ever expect one.

I have started my first teaching job. It is all a bit scary—28 seven-year-olds and me. Still, I think it’s going OK. The kids are great and there are no complaints so far. I think I made the right choice going into teaching. I feel I have something to offer.

I saw Mike last week; he avoided talking about you until I raised the subject. He’s still such a politician. Anyway, he said to say hello if I wrote. He is still with Helen and in fact they live together now. Jo is going to spend some time in Sydney on some exchange with her job. She came for a quick drink when I caught up with Mike (he is very good at keeping in contact with everyone). She seemed quite triumphant about hearing you’d married Caroline.

So you’re in London now. You never said why you left Cambridge. I thought you were on a good thing as a research fellow there—what happened?

Anyway, I must be off. Write soon. Love,

Mary

Dear Mary,

Thanks for your last letter. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to reply. Now I’ve left Cambridge, I’m working at home and it’s difficult to find the time to write to you undetected. In fact I had just started this letter to you the other day, thinking Caroline was going out, when she returned five minutes later because she’d left her diary in the flat. I must have looked as though I’d been caught having sex with the dog and she came over to see what I was doing. My God, imagine if she found out that we’d been writing to each other—it would be curtains for me. I dread to think how she would react. The other night I had a dream that she found out and opened a drawer where I kept your letters. I woke up just as she was about to pick the letters up. I think the consequences were too much, even for a dream.

Now for the big news. I’m not sure how you will feel about this, so brace yourself: we’ve decided to return to New Zealand…

Picked yourself off the floor yet? I know! How about that for a bloody shock. There I was saying that we would never go back to NZ and now…well, I suppose sometimes things never turn out the way we expect them. Christ, we should know that better than anyone. Why? I hear you ask. The truth is we’re finding it hard to make ends meet over here, especially in London. I mean, it’s great here, it’s such a wonderful city, but my God it’s so bloody expensive. I could try and get a job teaching at one of the universities, but Caroline thinks that to work properly I need to have the time by myself and be free of any distractions. I think she’s probably right. The work I’m doing is going so slowly. I feel close to a major breakthrough, but I just seem to spend my time circling without ever being able to nail it down. Once I thought I glimpsed it, but it just slipped away. However, I’m confident that with some really concentrated attention I might crack it, so I suggested we go back and go to the beach house for a while and then I might have the time to get to the heart of my search.

Enough of me. It was good to hear your news. I’m sure you’ll make a great teacher. It’s funny, you know, I’ve been around universities all my life, but I’ve never taught a class. Sometimes I think how good it would be to just drop all this theoretical nonsense and teach. It is a wonderful thing to be able to help others to learn. It’s really the most important thing a society can do: educate its young, to give them the tools to do whatever they want with their lives. So good on you, I admire you for taking on the responsibility.

There’s one more thing. I would like to try and broker a peace between Caroline and you and the family. I’m not sure how to go about it, but I’m hoping that the mere fact we’re returning to NZ may make it easier to see if that’s possible. What do you think?

Love,

Jack

Dear Jack,

Well, I have picked myself off the floor. It has taken me some time to digest this news and work out what it all means.

I have to admit, my first thoughts were entirely selfish. Did I want to see you? Would you want to see me? What would it be like to see each other again? I know it’s been so many years, but I can never quite forget that the last time we actually saw each other we were lovers and we had a future. Then it was all gone, but there was never any contact between us. I don’t want us to get together again—I know that’s impossible and that you love Caroline—but how do you feel about seeing me? Can we meet? Can we sit down over a coffee and be normal? I would really like that.

Now I have that off my chest, I guess you’d like to know about Caroline and the family. It’s going to be very difficult, but for their sake I’d like to give it a go, especially for Mum. Dad? I think deep down he’d love to reconcile with Caroline, but he has a real stubborn streak. However, I have one word of warning: Caroline has to be committed. There can’t be a situation where I start this process with them and then she pulls out. If they have their hopes raised and then dashed, I think it would completely devastate them. That would be far worse than what they have at the moment. So please, make sure you can pull this off before we open the can. The worms are wretched and will need such careful handling.

Let me know how it goes. Good luck.

Love,

Mary

Dear Mary,

I’ve spoken to Caroline. I got a surprisingly good response. In the past she’s talked about burning all her bridges with you and her parents and never speaking to anyone in the family again. I expected a really hostile argument, but she was calm and reasoned and said we would talk some more when she’d had some time to think about everything. I think it’s easy to be strong about not seeing everyone while she’s over here, but she recognises that it will be very different when we’re in NZ . We’ll talk again soon.

It was strange to read about us meeting. It’s funny, but with all my thoughts about work and Caroline, it never really struck me that there would be the opportunity for us to meet. Yes, in answer to your question I would like to meet. I’m not sure how, but I’d like to talk again.

I’ll contact you when I’ve spoken to Caroline again. So wait to hear from me.

Love,

Jack

Dear Mary,

I’ve spoken to Caroline many times. She has swung from one extreme to another, cried, got angry and thought as hard as I’ve ever seen her think about anything.

She’s agreed to meet you and your parents. I’m fairly sure she won’t change her mind. She’d never actually agreed to the meeting until she sat down yesterday and said yes. It’s her decision now. The only stipulation is that I make the arrangements when we arrive in NZ and that it’s in public, say in a restaurant. Don’t ask me why she wants it that way, but I’m not prepared to push it, quite frankly.

I can’t pretend that this is all going to be easy. I told her that I would make contact with your parents by letter. I don’t think it would be good for her to ever know about our correspondence. Send letters to Dad’s address. It’s only a week before we leave and I don’t want to risk not receiving any letters from you.

Believe me, Mary, I’m excited about seeing you. Very nervous about Caroline seeing you and the family, but very excited about seeing you again. I keep wondering just what it will be like, what you look like now, what we will say. Life is so full of surprises. Seeing you again will be a very big one.

See you soon now.

All my love,

Jack

Dearest Jack,

Welcome home. How strange does that sound? I have to pinch myself to feel that all this is really happening. I remember how I felt when you came home that first time from Cambridge. I don’t want to dwell on the past, but they were electric times for me. I’m not saying I feel the same now. I know it’s so very different, but I can’t help but remember how I felt.

The date is set for the meeting. The 15th (two weeks, Thursday) at a restaurant called Bowmans in Mt Eden Road. We will be there at 7.30.

See you in a few days.

Love,

Mary

Jack,

I knew this would happen, you fucking useless shit. I told you that if expectations were raised we had to go through with it. So what happens? You just don’t show up. As predicted, Mum is devastated, and won’t leave her bedroom. Her greatest hope has been torn from her. Dad just spends time in the garden talking to no one.

You know, there is this part of me that can’t help but think the two of you planned this. That you thought that there was still a bit more pain you could inflict and this was the way to it. I pray that I’m wrong, I pray that no one could sink that low or hurt anyone that much. But I just can’t rid the thought.

DO NOT contact me again.

Mary.

The grand deception of writing to Mary from London had required a Herculean effort. The letters might have seemed breezy and bright, but that wasn’t a reflection of my mood, which was mostly stormy and dark. I drank to try and remember the mathematical key I’d glimpsed that day in Cambridge and when I failed I drank to try and forget the failure. Large parts of the day resembled bottomless pits and darkness was entering my consciousness. Somehow it had to be avoided. Throw in recreational drugs and the almost totally claustrophobic relationship I lived with Caroline and light seldom seemed to shine in my life. To find time alone and calm myself sufficiently to write to Mary left me exhausted. Often I slept a day and night after a letter.

I simply didn’t have the energy to raise my pen one more time after the failure to meet. And besides, I had my own betrayal to deal with. Caroline hadn’t only stood up Mary and her family, she’d done it by sleeping with Greg. Bloody Greg, who was old even years before when she’d first knocked around with him. To try healing the wounds, Caroline and I retreated to the bach. Days later she killed herself.

ELEVEN

Inevitably I went to see Jo. When I left Dad’s with a brief farewell and the merest of waves, I knew I would give the order to turn the car at the last moment and head for the hospital. Jo lay in a coma, that strange place people occupy when their soul has switched out the light but the body lives on. The need to know if some deep and distant memory of the world had rebooted Jo’s brain was overwhelming. I had spared precious little thought for her over the years, but I knew her feelings for me, so I owed her a visit. I have to admit, this was unusual territory for me. When was the last time I thought of owing anyone anything? I glibly answered such difficult questions by confirming that there were selfish reasons for wanting her to recover. What the fuck would it do for my future if her death were laid at my feet?

My driver displayed his displeasure at my request to turn the car round just two hundred yards short of the hotel. No doubt he’d been expecting this to be the end of his day. Now he was on his way to Auckland Hospital. When I broke the news he planted his foot on the floor and braked late and hard at the first red light we encountered. He drummed the steering wheel to some imaginary tune as we waited for the lights to change. Another long wait and a drive in the rush-hour traffic was all he had to look forward to for the next few hours. I ignored the flash of rage he gave me in the rear-view mirror.

I fear hospitals. Whenever I have the misfortune to visit one I walk the corridors with head bowed to avoid all the medical descriptions displayed at every junction. I don’t know what half of the words mean, but I know they mean human misery and pain, despair and death. I feel a need for protection against the emotions haunting the corridors. I need a shield against the echoes of relations’ and friends’ cries and wash of their tears. Of course, I fear hospitals so much because I know one day I’ll be in one with my liver cooked, or because of an overdose, or maybe cancer—shuffling along in slippers and a gown, open at the back, my old arse falling out, but feeling too sick to care. I don’t want to die like that, which is why I think I will. In so many ways I’ve lived a blessed life; I don’t think I’ve enough luck to have a blessed death. One day it will go spectacularly wrong.

Finally I located the ward sign and found my uncertain way to Jo’s room. She lay perfectly still. The sight of her attached to flashing machines was no great surprise, but it was shocking to actually hear the sound of the ventilator with its slight mechanical pause at the beginning and end of each forced breath. Her eyes were closed, her skin pink and she looked far healthier than the last time I’d seen her. Far more dignified as well, with her body covered and neatly tucked into bed. There were two chairs in the room, one on either side of the bed. The place smelled of cleaner mixed with sterilised equipment. I sat in the low chair closest to the door. Straight in front of me was Jo’s hand, lying flat at her side, an intravenous drip in the wrist. The skin looked dry and old. Her nails were chewed and her forefinger was marked with an angry red hangnail. I reached out and touched her hand; it was warm, which surprised me, as though I’d expected stone instead of flesh. Lightly I held her fingers, my thumb stroking the hangnail, its rough edge rubbing the soft underskin of my thumb.

Before entering I’d sworn to myself that I wouldn’t try to recall the two nights we’d spent together, fearing that such thoughts when she was ill were a kind of sacrilege, as bad as spitting on the image of Christ in a church. But seeing Jo made me think, sifting through the fragments looking for a clue that would explain what had happened. I fast-forwarded the sex, the flesh (shit, there was so much flesh) passing without feeling, just as a second porn film in one evening loses any allure. It was the drug taking that I searched my memory for. Each time I glimpsed Jo taking a line of coke I tried to remember the minutes before. Was she taking the stuff because she wanted to, or had I forced her to take more as the three of us attempted walls better left unclimbed? I squeezed Jo’s hand as if that simple act alone might propel my own memory into action and all would suddenly become clear.

The door behind me opened and I ended my fruitless task. Perhaps given more time I might recall better. Although it made perfect sense, I hadn’t even considered the visitor might be a nurse. She was of medium height and slim, her face brown from what appeared to be a recent holiday and scarred with little white marks from teenage acne. Before replacing the clipboard at the end of the bed she looked first at Jo’s inanimate body and then at me. It took a moment for her to recognise me, but I knew when it came and she flashed a broad smile.

‘Family?’

I shook my head.

‘Friend then?’ She had a soft Scottish accent.

‘Yes.’ Was that such a lie?

The nurse started a routine check of the machines that pumped and pulsed to keep Jo alive. She looked at me a couple of times, wondering whether she should say something. This was a conscious moment of embarrassment for her, one I knew well and would usually break by talking. This time I just couldn’t be bothered, other than broaching the mundane.

‘How is she?’

‘The same.’

‘Same as what exactly?’ She looked puzzled. ‘This is my first visit. I’ve been busy with the show but I came as soon as I heard. We went to school together, you know, but I’ve lost touch with her family, so I have no one to ask. I’ve no idea how she is.’

‘Jo’s in a coma.’ There was a pause, but she was going to tell me, despite what the rules might say. ‘I’m afraid there’s been no improvement since she first came in.’ To keep busy, she smoothed out the already smooth sheet.

‘When will she come out of the coma?’

She stopped, straightened and looked at me. She was used to giving bad news, to seeing faces crumble as she gave it straight. ‘The doctors aren’t sure she ever will.’

‘Oh my God.’

‘Her parents have been here all day, in fact they left just before you came.’ She was about to gossip. This has happened to me many times before: it’s as though my life on planet fame makes me special enough to hear other people’s secrets. I’m like a cosmic agony aunt. Perhaps people think I have some redemptive quality and that telling me is like taking a cure. ‘The doctors have talked to them about her chances of improvement and they’ve gone to make their decision.’ She rolled her eyes in sympathy.

‘I see.’ Nothing more needed to be said. I’d met Jo’s parents once briefly at school after a play in which Jo had done an admirable job at playing an eighteenth-century wench complete with heaving bosom. Her father had lost a leg in a motorbike accident ten years before and walked with an awful exaggerated limp as though the artificial limb were too long. When he spoke, his voice was so loud I thought he was still competing to be heard above the throaty engine and coughing exhaust of a Triumph. Jo’s mother was tiny, with a badly bent back. I never felt any sympathy for Jo when we were young, but remembering her parents filled me with a sudden understanding of how embarrassed she must have been as a teenager and why her parents were so rarely seen. Now this poor couple had to make the decision that would kill their daughter.

The nurse came round to my side of the bed. She didn’t need to—the sheets were as smooth as on the other side—but she wanted to be seen, wanted to be noticed. It was the first time I’d seen her legs. Her calves, even in the thick tights, were well sculptured and quite alluring.

‘What’s your name?’

‘Evelyn.’

‘How long have you been in New Zealand?’

‘Eight years.’

‘The Scottish always seem to take the longest to lose their accents.’

She hummed her agreement.

‘Who do you prefer, John Lennon or Paul McCartney?’ Surely I couldn’t be thinking of this now.

She stopped her chores and turned back to look at me, ironing the front of her uniform flat with the palms of her hand. ‘I’m not sure I like either better. I like them both.’

‘Everyone likes one better than the other. Think about one of their songs you like the best and just say who you think wrote it, even if you have no idea.’

She thought for a while. ‘Paul McCartney, yes, McCartney.’

‘Thought so.’

Evelyn gave me a quizzical look, saw I didn’t want to engage in any more conversation and left the room. As the door clicked I saw something from the corner of my eye and turned back as quickly as possible to look at Jo. I was sure I’d seen the bedcover twitch. ‘Jo,’ I said, leaning over the bed to look at her face for added signs of life. Nothing. I willed some movement, a sign that there was some chance for Jo, some hope for her parents. Even though I didn’t know them, the thought of their sadness overwhelmed me. I wanted them saved from this terrible day. They’d coped with enough. They should be spared the awful finality of the thrown switch and inevitable flat line. It would only take a couple of words, just a whisper that I’d seen her move and it was done. It was that simple to raise their hopes and gain Jo a stay of execution, more time for a miracle to happen. For a few more days the curse of death would be lifted. It might seem false hope, but I could do with some false hope at the moment. I might have given her the shit that tipped her over the edge. Of course I wanted her to move a fucking leg. If her parents flicked that switch and turned out Jo’s lights, where did that leave me? With a fucking death on my hands, that’s where. Please dear God, please make her move her leg.

There was nothing more, if there had ever been anything in the first place. I sat back in the chair, realising how hot I was and how uncomfortable the seat had become. The door behind opened again.

‘Hello, Jack.’

‘Mary?’

‘How is she?’

The shock of seeing Mary sent me rocking out of the chair and I gulped for a breath of air to clear my head. ‘She’s as good as dead.’

‘Nice turn of phrase.’

‘Sorry.’

‘You don’t have to be sorry to me, Jack.’

‘There doesn’t seem much hope for her…I thought I saw her leg move before, but there’s been nothing since. Perhaps I just imagined it, just hoped to see it move.’

Mary walked into my silence and sat on the seat I’d recently vacated. She had her back to me and I could see the twirl of her crown. Her hair was thick and sleek, a much deeper colour than when we were together. I stood awkwardly, unsure if she expected me to leave or stay.

‘I hear the show went well.’

‘It was good.’ At last I felt confident enough to step into her view and went to the second chair.

‘Sorry I didn’t catch it, but then I doubt if I’d have understood it if I had gone.’

‘Please, Mary, there’s no need for that, not here, not at a time like this.’

‘You’re right.’

‘It’s a shame we didn’t get the chance to talk the other night. How are things for you?’

‘Fine.’

‘Still teaching?’

She nodded.

‘Boyfriend or partner?’

‘It’s funny, you know, I never really liked Jo. I mean I had no time for her at school and when she was after you back in the old days I resented her. Since then we’ve met at the occasional thing and we’ve talked and kept our silence about the past, but now I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt.’ For the first time she looked at me. ‘Not that I have anything to feel guilty about, not like some, but I find I have to be here. Perhaps it’s more for me than her, a guilt that I never made the effort with her and if she dies that chance will be lost for ever.’

‘What do you mean, not like some?’

‘Last time I saw Jo she was staggering off into the sunset, or should I say moonset…with you. Two days later she’s found in the Hilton in a coma.’ She turned back to Jo and straightened the sheet that had attracted so much attention over the past few minutes. ‘Aren’t you staying at the Hilton?’

‘Are you trying to say something?’

‘The facts speak for themselves. Have the police talked to you yet?’

There are times in life when words truly lose their meaning. You fail to hear them individually, but their total effect is so overwhelming that the body jolts in physical reaction. ‘What?’

‘The police, they’re investigating what happened. Jo’s in a coma from a drugs overdose and they’re ruling out any form of suicide attempt. They think someone gave her the drugs.’

‘I’m not sure I understand exactly what it is you’re trying to say. Are you accusing me of something? Is that why you’re here, to watch my downfall—all those years of waiting and now you have your chance? Are you trying to frighten me, Mary?’ I stood and paced the room, my shoes making a solid sound on the lino floor. At the end of the bed I crossed to Mary’s side; this was the closest I’d been to her since Caroline’s funeral. The lines around her eyes and from her nose to the corners of her mouth were deeper than I remembered but despite the years she still looked beautiful. In another time and place the moment would have taken my breath away.

‘Why should you be frightened of what I’m saying?’

‘It sounded more like a threat than the sharing of a casual conversation.’

‘There was no threat, Jack. I was stating the truth.’

‘I suppose you’ve already spoken to the police. I bet you enjoyed that opportunity to articulate all your juicy speculation.’ These words were mere bravado. Inside I felt the largest possible sense of fear. I might already be a hunted man. Inspector Plod might be sitting with Bebe in a long silence waiting for me to return. How good was Bebe’s cover-up? And Claudia, was she gone or was she primed for a flawless entry at the end of the scene? Newspaper headlines scurried through my thoughts as did the company meetings and memos in which everyone severed their connections. No one would want to be tainted with my name. ‘Jack Mitchell? No, never had anything to do with bringing him on board. In fact I told my manager I thought it was a bad idea…’ Oh yes, the rats would be running. Goodbye, planet fame, it’s been nice knowing you.

‘Did you see that?’ Mary was on her feet now, gazing first at the bed, then at me, all her hostility melted away. ‘I think you might have been right, I’m sure I saw something move.’

‘Good, good. That is good, isn’t it?’

‘I guess so, yes.’

We both waited a while, but nothing more happened. The room started to darken as the afternoon faded. I was due to leave Auckland later in the evening, but how could I just walk out? Any move and Mary might draw a conclusion I didn’t want her to draw. Fortunately my dilemma was solved by the appearance of Jo’s hapless parents. Mary introduced me, her voice the softest it had been all afternoon. They were impressed that I’d taken the time to visit their daughter. I felt a fraud, but I don’t think they noticed. They expressed their gratitude again and again. Their admiration left me in no doubt that they hoped I might lay hands on their daughter and make her well. They didn’t know I’d already laid hands on their daughter and made her sick.

After what felt an appropriate time I left. Mary followed.

‘By the way, I’ve spoken to the police, but I haven’t told them anything. They do know, though, that you left with Jo. When they asked if I saw you leave, I said I must have been in the loo. I don’t know who told them, but there were plenty of people who would have seen you leave together.’

‘I haven’t done anything wrong, Mary.’ I crossed my fingers.

‘I hope not.’

‘She’ll pull through.’

Mary leant against the corridor wall. ‘I know you want her to live, because I don’t think you want the death of two women on your conscience.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘First Caroline, now Jo—two deaths, Jack.’

‘I didn’t kill Caroline, you know that, Mary.’

‘I didn’t say you did. I just said you wouldn’t want a second death on your hands. Causing one is careless—two is irresponsible.’

‘Caroline killed herself and Jo took an overdose. I’m not responsible for either.’

‘I’m sure that’s how it is for you, Jack, but is that right? At some time you just have to stop the ride and ask whether it’s right.’

I watched her walk away and after a couple of minutes followed, head down as I negotiated the corridors. In the car I sat huddled against the door. I thought of nothing.

TWELVE

The simplest way of dealing with Bebe was to lie. I could have said I’d been to see Dad, or gone shopping, but it never entered my head to deceive him. I never lied to Bebe for two reasons. First, when someone knows everything about the worst of your nature, what’s left to hide? Second, I accept that he will always find out. I learnt at the very beginning of our relationship that he possessed an unsurpassed nose for detecting bullshit. In his present state of heightened anxiety there was no question he would debrief my driver, so, with a drop of the head, like a boy whose father has found condoms in his sock drawer, I confessed to Bebe that I had visited Jo in hospital.

Bebe passed quickly through the anger barrier and soared to rage. He lectured me on every conceivable reason why I should have stayed clear of the hospital but he saved the best for last. The police, in the shape of Detective Ryan, had already visited Bebe and wanted to interview me before I left Auckland for the Wellington show. The piece of news lanced Bebe’s rage boil and I watched him deflate in the same way an imperfectly tied balloon loses air on a party wall until he finally sank to the nearest chair. His chest heaved with the emotion of the moment. We sat in silence for ten minutes in almost total darkness. I wanted to draw Bebe out of his despair, but I knew deep down that if I sank he’d go down with me, so I let him be until he was ready to resurface. And ready he had to be, because like all the greatest conspiracies it wasn’t the crime that sent you down, it was the cover-up and that was where Bebe was in the shit up to his neck. Oh yes, it’s always the lie that gets you—that’s the lesson of Watergate, of Clinton. The moment they lied they were dead meat: the public can tolerate weakness; what they can’t stomach is lying. Bebe knew this simple rule, and that’s why he was so angry.

We spent thirty minutes going through the story. It was of vital importance, Bebe said, that I understood completely what needed to be said at the coming police interview. I learnt my script and then we left.

Detective Ryan met us at the front desk and we followed him down polished corridors to an interview room where I was asked to wait while he showed Bebe to another room. There had been a discussion about a lawyer, but Bebe and I had agreed to refuse one because nothing could be added to what needed to be said. This was confirmed to Ryan, who accepted the information politely and chatted to me as he set up for the interview. There was an odd institutional smell in the room, the smell of old plaster and damp metal. The only furniture was a table with two chairs on each side and a tape machine. A second officer entered and sat next to Ryan, who meticulously peeled cellophane from the tape case and precisely placed it in the second deck. I liked Ryan. He’d been polite, courteous and apologetic throughout the whole process. I felt he was on my side, that he was rooting for me and that he knew what an imposition this was. Normally they wouldn’t tape a conversation like this, he told me, but because I was leaving Auckland and then New Zealand they wanted to ensure they covered everything. He smiled as he spoke. The second detective, whose name was Orton, was less forthcoming, but I sensed no hostility from him either.

Once the system was set, Ryan opened a folder he’d brought with him. He was a big man in his mid-forties. Once his frame would have been impressive, definitely a rugby player, a flanker probably, given his height. The athleticism of his younger days had lost the battle with age, though, as muscle had turned to fat and he looked as if much of his body had slipped from its frame. His face was marked with a large birthmark on his left cheek. Red spider veins spread from either side of his nose like small river tributaries as seen from space.

‘This is Detective Ryan, with me is Detective Orton, we are interviewing Mr Jack Mitchell. He has declined a lawyer. Mr Mitchell, I would like to ask you some questions about an incident concerning Jo Thompson last night at the Hilton Hotel. Can you confirm whether you know Ms Thompson?’

‘Yes, I know her.’

‘How do you know her, Mr Mitchell?’

‘We went to school together.’

‘Did you see her the night before last?’

‘Yes, yes I did. After the show I was doing at the Aotea Centre I returned to the Hilton Hotel where I’m staying. There was an end of show party being held there and Jo came along.’

‘How did she know about the party?’

‘The night before I’d been to a school reunion dinner. I met Jo there and I invited her to come along to the Hilton party.’

‘This dinner would have been at a restaurant in Mission Bay, would it?’

‘That’s right, yes.’

‘Did you leave the dinner with Ms Thompson?’

‘We did leave together.’

‘And can you tell us what happened?’

‘My assistant, Bebe, and my driver collected us from outside the restaurant and we dropped her off in the middle of town, by Borders bookshop.’ Did Ryan detect the shake of my voice as I told the first lie? I couldn’t help but think of the driver as we talked. Bebe would be rock solid with this if asked, but the driver? ‘You can ask Bebe and the driver if you want to check.’

‘We’ve been told you two looked…close when you left the restaurant. Why did you drop her off? Why didn’t you go on somewhere?’

‘Go on somewhere? Look, it was never like that, Detective Ryan. Sure, we were having a laugh, but there was never any question of sex or anything like that if that’s what you’re suggesting. We were just old friends. She had something to go on to and so I dropped her off. Then I went back to the hotel.’

‘Where was she going?’

‘A club, she said, but I don’t think she said which one, she just asked to be dropped off.’

‘What time did you drop her off?’

‘Midnight.’ I felt a trickle of sweat on my back. Every question was deepening the lie and now I was lying to every question.

‘And the next night she came to the party?’

‘Yes.’ I felt the warm relief of being able to answer truthfully.

‘At what time?’

‘Look, I really don’t know. There were a hundred plus people there and I had to talk to all of them—that’s what I have to do at those bloody things.’ Ryan nodded as though he spent many of his free evenings at celebrity parties. ‘I’d been talking to this Russian woman and when I turned back to the party I saw Jo already there and that’s the first time I saw her, I mean noticed her.’

Ryan paused and flicked through some notes in the folder. He glanced at Orton. They didn’t speak, but there was a hidden conversation between them. ‘And this Russian, do you know her name?’

Until now the interview had gone as anticipated by Bebe and I’d run to script, but for the first time I sensed a loss of control. Keep to the story, I heard Bebe say, whatever they throw at you, just keep to the story, don’t deviate for any reason. ‘Sorry, I really don’t think I asked her name.’ I kicked myself—a simple no would have done. Keep to the script.

‘Really?’

‘I meet hundreds of people at these parties. I can’t remember their names so I make no attempt to know them.’

‘Could it have been Claudia?’

‘I really don’t know.’

‘That’s her professional name—her real name is Olga Petrova, though I doubt she introduced herself to you that way.’

The shift of control was becoming a slide. How did they know her name? My God, we’d never reckoned on this. ‘It may have been, but like I said I never asked and I don’t think she ever told me.’

‘Unusual to never introduce yourself at a party.’

‘It happens.’

‘Do you know her profession?’

‘We didn’t talk for long. She told me she’d come from Russia about three years ago and did marketing or something like that.’

‘Did you know she was a prostitute?’

I looked at the table for what felt the longest five seconds of my life. Perhaps they knew everything. Somehow, in just a day, the boys in blue had unravelled the whole damn sordid night. Was it worth keeping up the pretence? Was it really worth digging my pit deeper and adding shiny sides to make escape ever more impossible? Then I saw Bebe’s face, urging me on. ‘I suppose it’s possible, but I certainly didn’t talk about anything that indicated she was one. The only thing she offered me was…’

‘What?’

‘I don’t want to get her into any trouble.’

‘Truth is always the best option, Mr Mitchell.’

I felt the interview swing back on track. ‘Coke. She offered me some coke.’

‘Didn’t know her name but she offered you coke?’

‘I guess she was looking for a good time. I’m famous, it happens a lot, some girls want me as a kind of prize.’

‘Did you accept her offer?’

I laughed nervously. I could feel Bebe breathing down my neck. ‘No, no I didn’t take her up on the offer.’

‘So, Mr Mitchell, you were standing with this Russian lady, whose name you didn’t know, discussing the use of recreational drugs, when Jo Thompson arrived. Did you go straight to Ms Thompson, or did you wait while someone else spoke to her?’

‘As soon as I saw her I went over.’

‘Was the Russian woman still with you?’

It crossed my mind to drop the script. If they knew who she was perhaps they had already spoken to her and knew what I was about to say was crap.

‘Yes, she walked over to Jo with me.’ Neither policeman revealed a flicker of emotion. ‘I spoke to Jo first, then introduced them to each other.’

‘How did you manage that?’ asked Ryan, suddenly holding me with his most intense stare of the evening. ‘How did you introduce the Russian to Jo if you didn’t know her name?’

‘I didn’t, I just introduced Jo to her.’ Shit, Bebe was good, he’d thought of everything, except for them knowing who Claudia was, of course.

‘And then what happened?’

‘The three of us talked for a while. Bebe came over; I talked to him about some Taikon company people I needed to meet and when I rejoined the conversation, the two of them, Jo and the Russian, were talking about…talking about doing some drugs.’

‘Coke?’

‘Yes.’

‘Even though they’d just met?’

‘I know, but that’s what they discussed. They asked if I wanted to join them. I declined. They left. I went with them because I wanted to get something from my room.’ This was the part of the script I felt most uncomfortable with. I told Bebe I should stay away from saying we left, but he said anyone could have seen us leave together and that had to be covered. It had sounded weak in the bedroom. In the harsh surroundings of the interview room it sounded insipid.

‘What did you need from your room?’

‘Some notes I wanted to talk to a Taikon executive about.’

‘Go on.’

The bloody quicksand of lies: I was sinking faster and deeper and now I could almost feel it on my chin. ‘We got into the lift together. They were talking, pretty much ignoring me. They got out of the lift on the fifth floor, I think, yes, the fifth floor, and that was the last time I saw either of them.’

‘But you never returned to the party?’

‘No, I got to my room and looked at my notes, felt they weren’t ready to talk about, then just crashed out. I felt really tired. It’s not unusual for me to crash out after a show, especially if we’ve been travelling. I mean, I hadn’t shaken off the jet lag.’

‘And you never left your room?’

‘No.’

‘Never went to their room?’

‘No.’

‘Ryan paused again, flicked his notes and glanced at Orton. ‘And that’s the truth, Mr Mitchell? You know that lying to the police is an offence?’

‘Yes, it’s the truth and yes, I know that lying to the police is an offence. I wish I could help more, Detective, and I know it seems strange, but that’s how it happened.’ There—sunk without trace, head covered and the last bubbles of breath on the quicksand’s surface.

‘Thank you, Mr Mitchell, that terminates the interview,’ Ryan checked his watch, ‘at 8.15 pm.’ He pushed the tape button. ‘You’re free to leave. Hope you have a good flight. Detective Orton will show you out.’ Without further comment Ryan picked up his file and left the room.

I didn’t like Ryan any more. He knew I was lying. He knew I knew he knew I was lying. The real question was how far he’d go to prove the point.

Orton reunited me with Bebe and we returned to the hotel in silence. In the lobby I collected a fat envelope from the desk, then went to the room where I collected my travel bag before driving to the airport. We were late, but made the gate just in time. I settled back to yet another plane trip, yet another ride on the knife-edge of extinction.

Dear Jack,

I suppose I always knew you wouldn’t meet me. Why should you? You know nothing of me. I feel that perhaps I should have told you more, then you would have come, but it’s too late now. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt in my life, if there’s one rule I live by, it’s never to regret what’s happened. Understand by all means, but never regret—it’s such a devouring pastime and one that leads nowhere.

Why did I want to meet you? That’s such a complicated question, yet at the same time so simple.

I think in the end it was more for you than me, although I admit there’s much about seeing you that will calm me. It’s for you, though, Jack, that I worry more. I know there’s pain, and all I want to do is ease that pain. Perhaps when you’ve read this you’ll still find the time to come, although I admit time, money and patience are wearing thin. At least with this letter I will have given you an answer, one that I hope will remove your worries.

I wanted to tell you a story. Here it is.

Have you ever been to Marrakech? It’s a wonderful place. I was once told that you don’t talk about Marrakech, you have to experience it. Never was a truer word spoken. But of course I must try to tell you of the golden stone walls at sunset, the ochre buildings profiled against a clear blue sky, the palm tree oasis leading the eye to the snow-capped Atlas Mountains in the distance. In the square I would watch snake charmers and jugglers perform for the tourists, while the storytellers attracted the true citizens.

In the Café de France I met Edward. He never really told me what he did in the city—‘something in carpets’ he’d say as if that explained everything. To escape a Europe on the verge of imploding, he had gone to Morocco in 1968 with two friends on a hippie excursion and when they grew bored he stayed on. Edward might have traded his mane of long hair for a neat short back and sides with a precise parting and replaced the kaftan with a white linen suit, but his business was only semi-legitimate, he’d explain with a twinkle in his eye. There was mystery aplenty to draw me to him and next day he helped me take my bags from the Hotel Ichbilia to his tiny one-room apartment on the Rue Souq al-Kebir. It was my first and last holiday romance. At least I have that experience, if precious few others.

He insisted on taking me to the desert. It would be his privilege, and besides, he told me, he’d spent years by himself and it was nice to have someone else around for a while. He left me in no doubt that ours was a temporary liaison. He was answerable to no one and could do whatever he wanted when he wanted; Edward’s life centred only on Edward.

Once we were back in Marrakech, Edward invited me to accompany him to one final destination, one he assured me I would enjoy, and we drove northeast to the Cascades d’Ouzard.

The falls were broken into ten or so streams of water that dropped nearly a hundred metres to pools below like so many sparkling ribbons. Above them a patch of rainbow formed in the spray and the sound of water thundered in the gorge. A dusty path led down to the river and I somewhat reluctantly left the cool sanctuary of an olive tree’s shade and descended in the fierce midday heat to the water below.

We rested a while before clambering across the rocks to a more secluded area. Edward took the lead. He skirted one pool, then started to climb a boulder as tall as himself, his feet slipping on the slimy sides. At the tip he surveyed the area as though he was a king and pointed to one side. ‘There’s a beautiful spot over there. Let’s take a look.’ I followed him up the boulder and when he offered his hand I accepted. There was a moment when I felt my feet give way and I thought I might fall. Instantly his grip tightened and he pulled me to safety. His strength was surprising.

We entered a little grove where we were completely hidden from the falls and any other tourists. There was a small pool, no more than two metres across, crystal clear and still. I leant over the rock edge. Perfectly reflected in the water I saw the rocky sides of the gorge with the bushes clinging to them, and the sky above. I even thought I saw the dunes of the desert and the crazy throngs of Marrakech, as though everything wonderful I’d experienced was entwined and visible in that pellucid water. Without moving, I called Edward over and asked him what he saw.

Do you know what he said, Jack? Do you know what he saw in that magical pool?

‘One handsome guy called Edward,’ he replied. ‘You need to look beyond yourself,’ I said, but he had already turned his back and begun to climb out of the grove.

You could be his son, Jack. Like Edward you see only yourself. Don’t turn your back. That’s what I wanted to say to you. I wanted to tell you to look beyond yourself.

If you change your mind I’m at 26 Whittly Place, Avondale. However, my time here is short.

If I could have turned the plane around I would have done so, taken a taxi and settled my disquiet by meeting this person. I was no longer afraid of her; it was my curiosity that needed calming. Now I wanted to keep my appointment, now I wanted to talk to her. But it was too late and there was nothing I could do. We landed in Wellington that night, took in some interviews the following morning, a sound check in the afternoon and my show in the evening. After a brief reception I was to leave that night for America.

I thought when I arrived in New Zealand that I would be anxious to leave and in some ways I was—sour thoughts of my past and the interview with Ryan had done little to make the stay enjoyable—but a part of me was now screaming to stay.

You’d think I had enough on my plate as I set out across the Pacific. However, life sometimes just keeps digging the shit. Bebe casually passed me the latest copy of New Scientist, picked up in Wellington Airport. Perhaps he hoped that the casualness of the moment might somehow take away the bite of the contents. It didn’t. The front cover boasted a multicoloured pattern revolving around a diagonal axis. Above the graphic was the headline, ‘The Patterns of Life’, and below it the promise of an article and interview with Frank Driesler. Oh, I could hardly wait.

The Patterns of Life

We live in fascinating times. First came Jack Mitchell and Superforce, now comes Frank Driesler and his Life Patterns. Science is on a rollercoaster and for most of us it’s becoming harder to predict where the ride will end. However, Driesler thinks he has all the answers and in his new self-published book sensation, The Patterns of Life, he sets out to answer them. He makes bold claims about changing the face not only of physics, but of biology, economics and even psychology. He doesn’t just want to change the way we do science; he wants to change its very nature. He tells Barbara Clay how he’s doing it and shares his thoughts about the future for the sometimes uneasy relationship between society and science.

What is so wrong with the old way of doing science?

I’m not saying everything that has been done should be thrown out. I just believe we have taken a wrong path and it’s time to put that right. The line from Galileo, through Newton to Einstein and now Mitchell is mathematical. However, although great technological advances have been built on this maths it doesn’t take us any closer to really understanding why things are the way they are. We have slaved for three centuries over equations that we hope will explain how everything works, but they don’t, not really. An equation might describe the orbit of the earth around the sun, but it can’t explain the simplest organism. It is time to find out what lies behind nature’s mask, to find out how things really work, not just an abstract mathematical description.

And you think you have the answer. Can you explain how it works?

The idea is rather simple. Instead of equations I use rules. For example, take spots on a cheetah. Our conventional teaching tells us that the array of patterns is the result of genetic mechanisms, but I really don’t think that’s right—nature is working to rules that create those patterns. On a computer I can generate a program that mimics the cheetah’s markings and the rules behind the program are really simple and quite basic. It’s the same with the solar system: if I draw the orbits of the planets I make a pattern, one that I can recreate on a computer with a program based on simple rules. Therefore one does not need a crafted mathematical formula to explain the orbits, all you need are the rules to make the pattern.

The beautiful thing is that you can reverse the process. I’ve written programs from which I find the resulting pattern mimics something found in the real world, for example a butterfly wing. From these simple rules grows complexity.

Who makes the rules?

I’m not sure anyone ‘makes’ them. The question is a philosophical or religious one and is no different from asking who or what made the equations that currently underpin physics. What I’m saying is that nature conforms to basic rules that are not mathematically based and to understand them we have to look beyond the maths because maths as a tool doesn’t help us here.

All those out there who struggle with maths should rejoice, because they will no longer be excluded from the scientific elite. Physics will no longer be a club where the price of admission is the cult of higher maths. It will also help people from all fields to contribute across the various disciplines.

This leads on to comments you’ve made about these rules crossing the boundaries of our science disciplines. Why is that important?

Specialisation is a curse on modern society. We cram ourselves into ever tighter compartments and we lose so much in the process. We fail to see the wider picture, fail to appreciate how everything is connected. This doesn’t just happen in science, it happens everywhere. We only have to look at law or medicine to see how specialisation forces people into increasingly small boxes. You can’t see the whole sky if you’re looking at a small patch out of the top of your box; just think about what you might be missing, what wonders might be out of sight. There might be this solitary grey cloud over your piece, but the rest is a beautiful blue.

What I like about the rule-based understanding of nature is that it breaks the walls down. If basic rules explain, for example, economics, which I think they do, then the physicist can do economics and vice versa. At the moment everything is disconnected and so people just don’t communicate with each other any more, they shout because there are all these box walls around. Who listens to the shouting man?

Do you think science and society communicate?

On the whole I don’t think they do communicate and that is a real loss. Part of the reason is that the deeper science becomes, the less the ordinary person understands.

Are we back to the maths thing?

That’s right. I mean, apart from a handful of physicists, who understands spiral field maths? Yet to truly understand Mitchell’s Superforce, one must know how the maths works. Those who don’t are excluded and rely on what others tell them. That robs almost everyone of true understanding. And if you don’t understand you can never truly appreciate.

It seems you’ve done a lot of talking about Mitchell over the past few months.

I think a lot of it has been exaggerated by the media, but there is a very basic difference between us. Don’t get me wrong: I think Mitchell has done some good things. Some of the work he has put into his show helps to explain the impact science has on our society and that’s a good thing. For example, helping people understand how Einstein has contributed to the laser and so to modern mass communications really does help to break open those boxes I’ve been talking about and it’s good for improving the communication between science and society. Yet, Mitchell himself is still in his own mathematical box, however smart and special that box might be. His theory doesn’t explain everything. I think it’s a really basic mistake to think that just because you can unite relativity and quantum you can explain the universe. In fact I think it’s arrogance beyond measure. In the past, physicists said that once we united these grand theories we would have an understanding of everything. Well, we have believed our own press, but, of course, it doesn’t explain very much of nature; it doesn’t explain why the butterfly has a patterned wing.

The other thing I’m unsure of about Mitchell is the way he goes about informing. He seems to live this lavish life of the rock star. Where is the humility? Where is the humanity for that matter? I think there’s a moral and ethical standard for a scientist and he’s eroding that standard by the way he conducts himself.

You seem to be questioning his ethics. Why?

In a way I am, yes. Let me explain. I think in many respects Francis Bacon has proved to be the greatest prophet in history. In 1627 he published The New Atlantis, which told the story of a traveller shipwrecked on the shores of a fabulous land where man has discovered that science can serve faith and restore him to the state of grace before the Fall. Man achieves this goal by controlling nature through the technologies that flow from science. This improves the people’s material lives and thus leads them to happiness. The land is ruled by Solomon’s House, a group of scientist priests who improve lives morally, not just materially.

In the hundreds of years following the book we took to heart the power of technology to control nature and improve our lives, but we left out the moral part. We’ve separated everything, so I come back to our boxes. But if we really want better lives we shouldn’t forget the moral aspect, in other words the moral effect of what scientists do.

I think that’s where Mitchell has gone wrong with what he does. It’s too loud, too brash; there’s no ethical substance to what he is saying. It’s just a kind of pop science and that isn’t enough.

How close do you think we are to the kind of scientific society Bacon wrote about?

Closer than people imagine. I look at the world today and I see a real turning point. For the past two hundred years the big debate has been about economics. A country has been defined by whether it’s capitalist or socialist; a person has been defined by whether they’re left or right. It really has been the age of economic man. However, I see that kind of argument ending now. Look at the political parties in most Western countries and you see so little dividing them. The economic argument between the Conservative and Labour parties in England is really minimal in comparison to what it was even twenty years ago and that’s the same in most countries between the old parties of the left and right. There seems to be broad agreement on the way an economy is now run.

I see the real debate in the future about how we use and control science. We’re already seeing argument about genetics and the environment, and the debate surrounding GE is a prototype of debate in the future about how far we’re prepared to proceed along the scientific route. I see a time in the not too distant future when a person will be defined by whether they’re for or against scientific advancement, whether they agree or disagree with the technology stemming from a scientific breakthrough. I see a time when politics will be about science and not economics. And, of course, for people to debate they have to understand.

Do you think your patterns and rules will help the debate?

I think they will actually, because as I tried to set out at the beginning of this interview, what I’m talking about is changing the way science is done so people can more readily understand it. I hope that in fewer than ten years the entire way in which science is taught in schools and universities will have been revolutionised by this kind of thinking. So yes, I think the future debate will be helped enormously by what I’m saying. In fact I think it will be at the heart of the coming argument because it will be the language by which people articulate what they say.

If there’s one thing you would like people to remember about your theory, what would that be?

Remember, rules not maths instead of maths rules.

I let the magazine drop to my lap. ‘What a crock of shit,’ I said to no one in particular.

THIRTEEN

Las Vegas has to be one of the strangest cities on the planet. It reminds me of a film set—all façade and no substance. Everything is artificial, even the grass. When driving to the city there are no suburbs to signal its approach: you simply round a hill in the desert and there it is, like a huge spaceship dumped from the sky. During the day the place lazes in the burning sun, subdued and half asleep. Come the night, though, and the place erupts in a symphony of light, water and sound. The people come alive as though injected with a serum to tickle their pleasure zones. At night Las Vegas is a modern Pompeii where the threat of being buried by burning decadent lava is very much alive.

Even I had balked at bringing the show to Las Vegas. I might have set out to blur the boundaries between serious science and the real world, but the home of Elvis Presley’s sequinned jumpsuits, chorus girls wearing barely enough to make dresses for dolls, and the legitimised front for mafia money hardly seemed the right place for relativity and quantum—even with a laser show. Perhaps Driesler was right: I was just an entertainer. However, the United States division of Taikon insisted on three Vegas dates where the returns were forecast to be the best throughout the American tour. So money spoke, as always, and here I was in Casino City. Two shows down, one to go and then on to the east coast for shows in New York and Philadelphia before a return to England. Already there were negotiations for more dates in the States and Europe, but nothing was decided. The company was now projecting that the tour might be extended by a further four months, but I was making plans of my own. After the States and during the interlude, I had no intention of returning to England; I was going back to New Zealand, alone. All I had to do was break the news to Bebe and convince him to help.

The executives were right about the money to be made in Vegas. The shows were grossing telephone numbers and those profit share clauses in my royal contract with the company were lighting up like the rows of pokie machines in the casinos. And then there were the women. In Las Vegas there are more women on the make per square metre than anywhere I’ve ever been. The female body adorns every nook and cranny of the city. Sex doesn’t just sell in Vegas, it drips from the walls. This should have been the ultimate for me, a place to rut until I could rut no more, a place to choose my mates as though concocting a pizza (‘I’ll have a blonde with a Hispanic topping, please’) and exhaust myself on their silicon bodies and moulded faces. So why wasn’t I happy? Why wasn’t I out there gambling, drinking, snorting and fucking like every other sad bastard in the city? Jo was dead, that’s why.

The news reached us on our arrival in Vegas. Detective Ryan, true to his word, had kept Bebe informed: the life support machine had been turned off that morning. I wonder in what tone he had passed on the information. I couldn’t help but feel that the man was out to get me and now he really had something to get me for.

In absence of sampling the women of Las Vegas I’d taken heavily to the booze, especially whisky—I nursed the bottle from before breakfast until bed. In my hotel room, fit for a Roman emperor, I sprawled on silk pillows drinking and talking to Bebe. The Driesler interview and subsequent articles were the main sources of our conversation. The man had become an irritant for which I could find no cure. Bebe had warmed to the Driesler sermon about morals with some zeal. I think he saw an opportunity to save me and took my temporary abstinence from the flesh as a sign that perhaps, at last, I wanted to change. However, he was careful enough to arrange the parties as of old in case I slipped from what he assumed was some new moral high ground. Stubbornly choosing to ignore my drastically increased alcohol intake, he lectured me about the historical fall of elites, first the priesthood and then the politicians—once admired, they were now lampooned and despised. He insisted Driesler was right to foresee the importance of the scientists and to warn about their downfall. Neither Bebe nor Driesler quite came out and said it, but the implication was that there was more to the warnings about my morals than my creation of a pop show for science. Bebe thought it time for the moral leadership to come from science. ‘Let the writers booze and copulate,’ he said at one point before falling silent. His message was loud and clear, but was the company listening? Surely their squeaky clean, Mr Nice Guy image would fit with this just swell.

On the afternoon before the last show a shrill blast interrupted us. Bebe nodded into his mobile phone without speaking, then replaced it on the table between us. ‘George is on his way up.’

I hadn’t spoken to George Mason since the Dorchester party when I’d thankfully spurned the young woman on his arm. Now, despite the fact I was due back in England in less than two weeks, he’d flown to me for a meeting. Since learning of the visit the day before, I had chosen to ignore its implications. I sat in my hotel room, whisky in hand, unusually calm and quite drunk.

Bebe checked himself in the mirror, quickly wiping the corner of his mouth with a wet finger to remove a fleck of toothpaste. Once the knock came he moved fluidly to open the door. Four men entered, led by George. He was in his mid-thirties with a pencil-thin face and high cheekbones. His hair was greased and swept back and he wore small frameless glasses. A strong smell of expensive aftershave liberally applied trailed him as he entered the room. Briefly he introduced me to the three men with him, whose names I instantly forgot. It didn’t matter, they were surplus to requirements, simply there to watch and learn.

Bebe fussed around Mason as though he was a royal. For the most part Mason ignored the attention, but he at least acknowledged the orange juice Bebe poured him with a slight incline of the head. ‘How are you, Jack?’

‘Fine.’

‘I hear the show is going well, very well indeed.’ He pulled a briefing paper from a case carried by one of his minions and laid it flat on his knees.

‘Yes it is, George,’ answered Bebe on my behalf before sitting on the sofa edge like a lady in an Austen novel being introduced to her future husband.

‘Good, as you know I saw it in London. It’s extremely impressive, Jack, everything the company hoped for when they invested so heavily in you. You’re aware, aren’t you, Jack, that the company has put a huge amount of time and money into you?’

‘Oh, I’m aware, George. Rarely does a day go by when I’m not reminded of the fact.’

‘Have you been drinking?’

‘But,’ I continued, ‘it’s all right, I say to myself, because just look at the money I’m making for you all and just look what I’m doing for the good name of Taikon.’

Bebe laughed nervously, but he was the only one to respond and the four Taikon boys sat in company-ordered silence.

‘Interesting to see what our friend Mr Driesler has been saying recently. You’ve been keeping up with that, Jack?’

‘Every word, George.’

‘This thing with the girl in New Zealand…’

‘Jo, she has a name and it’s Jo.’

‘…this is worrying us. What you got up to before was hardly acceptable, but we turned a blind eye, because we all have our weaknesses. I think we’ve been more than fair in letting you lead the kind of life you wanted, but you must accept there were risks for us. You know how much reputation is important for the company, you know how damaging it would be if too much of what you do got out into the media. We took the risk because you’re important and what you have to say is important and it was all part of a bargain. But this thing with the girl, this is a different league, Jack. I mean, for Christ’s sake, she’s dead, and she effectively died in your bloody hotel room. The hospital was just an unfortunate intermediary.’

‘Did you rehearse this speech, George, or are you ad-libbing? Because if you are, you’re doing really rather well.’

‘This isn’t funny, Jack. In fact it’s very serious and I think you’d better start treating it that way. Your little vices have killed a girl.’

‘Not looking very good for the company image, is it?’

‘No, and as I’m sure you know, if it’s looking bad for the company it’s looking bad for you. If we pull the plug on you, you’re finished. If we drop you, no one else will touch you because there’ll be a legal blanket round you so tight that not even the light of day will get through without our say-so. You’d be finished, Jack, finished, so shall we start to take this a bit more seriously?’

All three of the company gnomes nodded in agreement at George’s wise words. I even saw Bebe joining in.

‘What have you come to say, George?’

‘This Driesler article is getting a lot of press. For some strange puritan streak in society what he’s saying about morals is hitting a nerve. The great unwashed, it seems, want some morals. The papers are giving it coverage, as is TV. No one seems to give a stuff about the science, but they have picked up on the other. So we have a problem, Jack. Just at the time that the spotlight might fall on you as the world’s highest profile scientist you’re snorting enough cocaine in hotel rooms with Russian hookers to blow a young girl’s brain apart. Not to mention lying to the police. How’s that going to look?’

‘The lying wasn’t my idea, George. Bebe told me to do that.’

‘On my orders, but we’re left with some big problems to sort out.’

‘Ones I assume that, by your royal presence, you have answers for.’

‘A solution has been suggested and we’ve come to discuss it with you.’

‘George, cut the crap. There’s no discussion to be had—you’ve made a decision. I have no choice other than to accept it otherwise you’ll dump me. You’ve made it clear that I’ll be professionally decapitated if that happens. I’d rather you just told me so we can get on with the tour.’

Except for me, everyone in the room, including Bebe, shifted their bottoms. Oh yes, the mighty corporation arse cover was in full swing.

‘We think it would be good for you to get some help with the drink and drugs.’

‘Rehab?’

‘Very low-key stuff, Jack—a chance for you to take some time out, rest up and recharge the batteries. We simply can’t take the chance of something like this happening again. We have to protect you and the company when the scrutiny is going to be intense. I daresay the thing will pass and the pack will be onto something else. For the moment, though, they’re going to be after you, after a story that fits with what Driesler is preaching. And we know where that can lead, don’t we?’

‘When?’

‘We’re going to rearrange the rest of the American tour. We want you to return to England tomorrow.’

‘You’re cancelling the tour?’

‘Not cancelling, Jack, we’re altering the dates and that gives us the chance to add more dates. The tour is a huge success here and we want to make it bigger, so it gives us the chance to take stock.’

‘So tomorrow I go back to England and go into rehab?’

For the first time Bebe entered the debate. ‘It will be a chance for you to sort things out, Jack. Who knows, you might start working again. You need to take Driesler’s science on and you need to be rested and in shape.’

‘We can’t let Driesler take you down, Jack,’ said George with what nearly sounded like some earnest passion. ‘The company has too much at stake.’ Yes, of course, that was his passion. ‘So we need you to burst his bubble, but you can’t show any weakness. We think he may know about some of your…habits and that’s what he’s driving at with some of what he’s saying. It’s personal, Jack, whatever he claims. He doesn’t like you and he wants to bring you down. So the company needs to protect its investment—you—and the best way of doing that is to get you sorted and make you strong again.’

I’m not sure how the meeting ended. The rest of the afternoon retreated behind a haze as I sank into my own thoughts. Bebe poured a drink, fussed around me and, when he knew I’d disappeared to a place of my own, left me alone. Only when it was time for the show did he reappear and slowly coax me to return to the present. How lucky I was to have done the show over forty times: when I needed something deep inside to switch to automatic I was rewarded by a near-perfect performance.

As on the previous night, Bebe took the precaution of organising appropriate post-show entertainment. Given the Vegas location it was suitably lurid, complete with Egyptian theme. There were more available women in the room than most men get to meet in a lifetime. When I entered, Bebe bowed slightly and waved in the direction of the party as though I was an offering to the gods, as though he was inviting me to say farewell to a previous life.

‘You knew about what George was going to say, didn’t you?’

‘Yes.’

‘Had you discussed it with him?’

‘Yes.’

‘Was it your idea?’

‘No Jack, this is the company—it’s about them now, not you. If they can protect themselves as well as you then they’ll do that, but if they have to sacrifice you, they will. They won’t and can’t let Jo’s death touch them. You know that.’

‘Do you agree with what they’re asking me to do?’

‘Oh God yes, Jack. It’s a chance for you to give up all this shit.’ He waved at the crowded room.

Two women dressed as slave girls came to where we stood. In the distance there were women in full Cleopatra costume. In a room to one side I heard music and laughter, from a room on the other side, the splashing of guests already in a swimming pool. Several of the slave girls bared their breasts, their nipples covered with glitter. On their trays they had drinks and little gold caskets of coke as they slipped discreetly among the guests. George was absent, but two of his cohorts were there. One of them took coke from a black slave girl and retreated to a corner. What hypocrites they all were. Just hours before they sat blandly whilst their boss chastised me for the very excess in which they now indulged. But, of course, none of them inhabited planet fame, so they were all safe.

The pool room was humid and steamy. There were several naked people in the water already and others on the side were close to stripping and joining them. When I entered, at least five girls looked at me with a professional eye, willing and able to offer themselves completely and obey my every command, however outlandish. I could feel Bebe behind me, ready as always to ensure that my wishes were carried out. Usually I would lose myself in a situation like this by taking everything on offer. Not tonight, though. I turned, walked past Bebe, quickened my pace and, with head bowed, glided through the first room we had entered and left the hotel.

The night was warm and alive with the electric buzz of neon and the treats of the city. Everyone seemed to be smiling and laughing and I hated all of them. As I walked toward coloured fountains, the noise of the water drowning out the babble of the crowds, I felt people mass around me. I wished they would just dissolve into the pavement. I hated them all.

‘Are you all right, Jack?’

For the first time I noticed the two bodyguards who had left the party with me. They looked at Bebe for instruction; he inclined his head gently and they receded two steps.

‘There’s something I want you to do for me, Bebe. Think of it as a last favour.’

‘What, Jack?’

‘I need to go back to New Zealand, no I have to go back to New Zealand, and I want you to arrange it for me.’

‘Once you’ve gone back to England and sorted these things out, I’m sure you can make a trip.’

‘No Bebe, I think you’ve missed the point. I want to go back now. I want you to arrange for me to go to New Zealand instead of to England.’

‘I can’t do that, Jack. Please don’t ask me to do something that I just can’t do. The company have made it quite clear what has to happen. If you go off against their wishes you’ll be finished.’

‘Not if you can get them to agree. All I need is a week. Tell them you know me better than I do myself. If I have a week to sort out things there, I’ll return to the UK and do anything that’s required. I’ll go to any clinic and attend any course. Please Bebe, please try. I have to go back there. All the rehab in the world will be useless if I don’t go back and sort out what I’ve left.’

‘You’re asking so much, Jack.’

‘I know, Bebe, but once I’ve done this and been back home, things will change.’

‘Will they?’

‘Yes, I promise.’

‘I’ll try, Jack. I’ll try and get to see George now. The man likes you and he wants to do right by you. I know you think he only cares about the company, but that’s not true.’

‘I’ll be in your debt, Bebe.’

‘You already are.’

I touched his shoulder and he smiled thinly.

FOURTEEN

I was sure that the act of returning alone would convince Mary to talk to me. I was wrong. I should have realised this the first time I called, on the number kindly supplied by Mike, who’d the decency to refrain from asking why I needed it. Far from welcoming me, Mary grunted responses as though woken from the deepest sleep even though I rang mid-afternoon. She listened impatiently to my increasingly desperate pleas to meet me and left me staring at the receiver long after she’d hung up with the firmest of rejections. I tried again, a few times actually, but her response was the same and her voice harsher each time until by the end of the fourth call she screamed at me to leave her alone. Briefly I toyed with the idea of visiting her at school, that information also provided by Mike in the mistaken hope that he was helping to repair our damaged relationship. I even got as far as the car, key in ignition, before I realised just how pointless such an attempt was. Mary did not want to see me and did not want to speak to me. She thought Caroline’s death was my fault, but she refused to explain, so all I could do was try to strike the thought from my mind. I knew, though, that it was going to haunt me on lonely cold nights and ferociously empty mornings when only the bottle accompanied me.

As I sought Mary, Detective Sergeant Ryan sought me. Bebe could have withheld the information that I’d returned, but he owed me nothing more. Somehow he persuaded the powers that be, namely George Mason, that my request should be allowed. I asked him how he’d achieved the impossible, but he refused to say. It struck me then at what cost to him my fleeting freedom must have been purchased. Bebe simply placed a finger over his moist lips and promised that one day I’d know. I knew that to be true, although I suspected it might not come from those wet lips. However, we both knew I owed him everything and I would have to pay. I don’t think I realised the payback would start immediately, but it did: Bebe told Ryan where I was. Ryan wanted me back at the station. I said I’d call to arrange a time. He rang twice more. Once Mary made her position clear, I turned off the phone, sure in the knowledge I wouldn’t miss her call and would miss Ryan’s.

While there had been hope of meeting Mary, I hadn’t given England a second thought, but now there was only a paper-thin wall separating me from my fate there. I knew if I was to keep my rocket on planet fame I had to pass through the house of the head fuckers. When Mason first told me about the company’s requirement that I attend a clinic I wasn’t particularly shocked but now my pathological hate of going to such a place was in full flight. I would be a prized specimen for the men in the white coats, slicked-back hair and pebble glasses. They would rub their hands in glee. Think of the battery of questions, tests and psychobabble they could amuse themselves with. Think of the endless evenings of earnest discussion they could dine out on. It would all be very comfortable of course—first-class accommodation, expensive suits and spa pools to make the whole thing feel like a resort—yet behind the façade lurks a veritable host of syndromes and psychoses, people diagnosed with emotional fuck-ups that have names like Welsh villages. And they’d invent a whole lexicon of new descriptions to describe my phobias and needs.

My letter-writing stalker became the focus of my attention: I got into the car and headed for Avondale, where I sat for nearly twenty minutes, then took a stroll down the street, located number 26 and returned to the car to wait again. A light rain started and spattered the windscreen. There had been little rain over the past week and the shower brought the smell of the ground to my nose. I took this as a sign that the waiting was over. In the time it took to cross the road the rain grew harder. I glanced at the sky, which was surprisingly light, apart from a smudge of dark grey above me. As quickly as the rain came it vanished, as though God had turned off his hose. The steps to the front door were uneven and badly cracked with weeds growing to well above my ankles. The house, painted a pale salmon, was thankfully mostly hidden from view by an enormous banana tree, its huge leaves drooping under their weight and their ends brown and curled.

A young woman in her mid-thirties, holding a baby in her arms, answered the door. She was pretty, but sallow; her hair hung lankly to her shoulders and looked as though it needed a good wash. In fact, everything about her looked as though it could do with a good wash. Her shirt showed signs of more stains than just baby dribble. The child lolled on its mother’s shoulder, hardly able to keep its head up. ‘Can I help?’ Her voice was deep and husky. A smoker I surmised. She yawned inadvertently, the way new parents do, and the baby kicked as it pushed excitedly against her, driven by some buried instinct.

For a moment I had no idea what to say. In the hundred or so times I’d played this moment in my mind, I’d assumed the person answering would immediately recognise me and know the purpose of my visit. ‘Hello,’ I stammered, ‘my name’s Jack Mitchell.’ I hoped this simple introduction would clear the confusion but the name meant nothing and the woman stood with a blank stare that turned suspicious as she took two steps back into the house and looked around nervously. ‘I received a letter from someone at this address and I’d like to talk to them, please.’

The woman shouted for her mother. The edge of panic to her voice brought an instant response from somewhere deep in the house and the sudden sound of heavy footsteps. ‘Trudy, who is it?’

‘Some guy.’ The young woman spoke without taking her eyes from me and I dismissed her comment with what I hoped was an ironic smile, to prove I was no threat.

‘Can I help?’ Mother was almost twice the size of her daughter but with the same limp hair and once pretty face. She wore a pink tracksuit with similar stains to those on her daughter’s shirt. Obviously there was some genetic explanation for their inability to find their mouths when eating.

‘He says someone here has been writing to him.’ The baby wriggled and the daughter hitched her higher onto her shoulder.

I held out my hand. ‘Jack Mitchell, Mrs…?’

‘Ross, Heather Ross.’ She turned to her daughter. ‘You take Angus inside, love, he’ll catch a cold out here in this weather.’

Trudy walked off, her slippers slapping on the hallway tiles.

‘Did you write me those letters?’

Heather Ross shook her head. ‘Not me, Mr Mitchell. You’d better come through.’ I followed her through the hallway to a chaotic kitchen where the daughter and baby sat at a table. The back door stuck in the wet and Heather heaved her shoulder on the wooden frame to loosen it. ‘We could go around the side, but it’s overgrown and muddy. It’s better this way.’ There was a flight of wooden steps down to the jungle of a garden. Just visible through the trees at the very rear of the garden was a prefab building painted a dark brown. The steps were greasy from the rain and we tottered down them. ‘Sorry,’ she panted from the effort at keeping her balance, ‘we’ve not had the time to get around to tidying things up out here.’ Somehow I think twenty years wouldn’t be enough time for the three generations of the Ross family to tidy the place. We waded through knee-high grass and ducked down under the lowest branch of an apple tree to get to the front door of the sleepout. Heather smiled, opened the pale green door and waved me inside. Reluctantly I followed.

The room was empty apart from a faded beige carpet, a single mattress at the far end and a sheet over the only window. I went to the middle of the room, stood, stared and shrugged my shoulder. Clearly something obvious was escaping me, but I had no idea what it was. ‘I’m sorry, Heather, you’re going to have to explain this one to me.’

‘I’m afraid she left a week ago, your mother.’

As I stood, I still saw the room, but in the split second it took me to process Heather’s comment, it was suddenly transformed. A heavy rug excluded all natural light over the window. Lamps in the corners lit the place with a yellow glow. Along the wall opposite the window were books stacked in piles and a heap of papers and magazines. On the floor a beautiful Moroccan rug covered most of the tatty old carpet. A series of desert prints hung on the wall by the door, their colours ranging from the brightest yellow of midday to the sumptuous orange of sunset. A curtain divided the mattress from the remainder of the room. In my imagination I pulled back the curtain, revealing a space just big enough for the mattress and an upturned box for a bedside table.

An elderly woman lay on the bed. I recognised her from the distant past, from pictures and the ghost of a memory, but still I couldn’t quite make out her features: they appeared smudged, the lines ill defined. Although I could conjure an image of the room, I couldn’t make out the exact form of my mother’s face. I saw myself standing there; open-mouthed, flat-footed, feeling as though a stone the size of a football was lodged in my gut. A hundred questions bombarded my mind, knocking me one way, then the other. How do you cram nearly two decades of wondering and questions, twenty years of yearning, into a solitary moment? There were no words. At last we were united and as that thought dawned on me, my body sang. I thought my legs would give way, but I steadied myself. All through this encounter, Mum held me in her stare, watching my every reaction. And then she smiled. Her translucent lips curled at their edges and in that second I forgave her for everything.

That was how I wanted it to be. Perhaps in some parallel universe, from where I sensed the faintest of signals, I lived on to sit on Mum’s bed, hold her hand, stroke her hair and discover everything that had happened to her since she’d left. But in this universe, in this shitty, grey, fucked universe, where I’d missed the chance to meet her, her image and that of the room faded like powder dissolving in water. It could have happened—if I’d been brave enough to take the chance of going to her.

‘Mr Mitchell? Mr Mitchell?’

Finally I acknowledged the woman standing with me. Just one question demanded to be asked. ‘Do you know where she’s gone? Did she leave an address?’

‘Sorry, no.’

‘How long was she here for?’

Heather noticed my unsteady sway and guided me to the mattress where we sat next to each other.

‘She came about two months ago when she answered an advert in the newspaper. At first she kept to herself, but slowly we started to talk. You know, she’d pop in for a cup of tea, or I’d come down here in the afternoon for a chat. Quickly we found we had things in common. Lost husbands, for one—in her case by choice, for me enforced. It’s ten years since Eddie left. He went to Thailand, you know. Went on some…tour and never came back. To this day I don’t know what happened to him. I expect he shacked up with some nubile Thai girl and probably stayed there.’ She shrugged her shoulders. ‘We’d sit together for hours on end. She was a lovely woman. Lovely. I really miss her now she’s gone. I hoped she would leave some way of contacting her, she said she would, but it wasn’t her style. I think she hated ties, hated any roots. No, I don’t think there was a chance she’d leave behind a piece of her future like that.

‘She told me about you. She had this big book of articles and magazine pieces. You see she kept an eye on you, like an angel. Always watching from a distance. She knew all about you, about Mary and Caroline.’ She talked as though the story was her own and even took the liberty of nudging me in the ribs.

‘How did she know?’

‘Didn’t say, but she had all these notes.’

‘Did she ever tell you…tell you why she left? Did she ever tell you which one of us forced her away?’

Heather tugged at the place where her bra cut her considerable girth. How strange that answers I’d sought for so long were held by this woman I’d met just minutes before. I hung on her every word as though she was a shaman, and, of course, in a way she was. She knew what I craved; she was privy to secrets I’d asked myself on endless sleepless nights and cold bitter mornings when only tequila kept me company. Her movements ceased with a final shake, much like a chicken finally settling on an uncomfortable egg. ‘It wasn’t you or your dad who forced her away, love—neither of you did anything wrong. Is that what you thought?’

‘It had to be one of us and I never forgave Dad because I thought it might be him and I never forgave myself because I thought it might have been me. What else were we supposed to think? Who else could we blame?’

‘She just wanted more, Jack, that’s all. I think you get that from her.’

‘Get what?’

‘That striving for something more, that need to push the boundaries. For your mum it meant a rejection of being a wife and a mother. She thought your father was much better cut out to bring you up.’ Heather shook her head. ‘What a shame you held him responsible.’

‘It was inevitable.’

‘With hindsight perhaps that’s right, but she meant it for the best, Jack. She said once that she didn’t feel she had room for you and her, and to let you grow she had to leave. I think she saw it as a kind of sacrifice, a kind of gift in a way. For you to bloom she had to give way.’

‘Whatever she meant, that wasn’t the outcome. We were left abandoned and what she said just sounds like self-justifying bullshit. She left us with nothing to fill the hole she left except unhappiness and shit. I tried to force it back, but it got to me in the end. Nothing she could have done as a mother could possibly have been as bad as what she left behind. And if she knew what was going on, if she was watching like an angel, she must have seen what was happening. Why didn’t she save us?’

‘I think that’s why she reached out to you in the past month. I think it was her way of trying to put things right. It was her chance to make amends.’

‘So she felt guilty?’

Heather merely nodded. ‘Terribly, but I think she thought returning would serve no purpose, that it could never put things together again.’

‘So why now?’

‘I’m not sure she really knew. I think she saw your life as being fragile, almost at breaking point, and felt she could have made a difference.’

‘Why didn’t she just say it was her? What was with all this cloak and dagger stuff? Why didn’t she just sign the fucking notes? I would have come, Heather, I would have come straight away.’ I felt the first tears come. They slipped down my cheek. ‘I would have come. I would have come.’ I wiped the wet away. ‘Why didn’t she just say it was her?’

‘Because she was afraid you wouldn’t come and see her. She couldn’t have lived with the rejection if you’d known it was her and hadn’t come. This way she knew there could have been other reasons for you to stay away.’

‘If I’d known I would have come, I would have come anyway, but it’s all too late now.’

‘Would you like some time by yourself, Jack?’ She noticed the slightest tip of my head and with considerable effort levered herself from the mattress and left the room.

All I could hear was the occasional hiss of tyres on a wet road. I tried to recapture what it might have been like with Mum and me in the room, but nothing came. There was just emptiness and now the additional sound of the baby crying as Heather opened the back door. Then that, too, was gone. The room was empty and I was empty. There was nothing in this place for me, but still I felt compelled to stay, as though some last trace of my mother was there that would disappear when I left. I needed to take in every last detail of the room, so I walked to every corner, along every wall. When I returned to the mattress and it sank under my weight I saw the smallest of white triangles against the wall. I reached over and pulled out a photograph. I thought it would be of me as a child, a treasured link with the past she had abandoned. To my surprise, no, to my disbelief, it was a picture of Dad. Taken recently, no doubt, on a prowl past our house. How old he looked, how bent and destroyed. I passed my hand over the glossy surface. Why had the photo been taken, and why had Mum held on to it? Did she pity Dad? Before this meeting I might have thought that she had kept the photo because she blamed him, but that was all wrong. I had conjured the darkest of thoughts about what he might have done behind closed doors to force her to leave, but now I knew it had been just my mother’s whim, just a fucking whim.

I thought of taking the picture with me, but it belonged in this empty space, in this vacuum where once there might have been the hope of atonement for past mistakes, so carefully I slipped it back from where it came. You never know, perhaps she might return for it. With a final look and a trickle of tears wiped away with the back of my hand, I turned and left.

Heather watched as I trudged back through the long grass and negotiated the slippery wooden steps. I was thankful that Trudy and the baby had left the kitchen. The old woman whom I’d met just an hour before held out her arms and I hugged as tightly as I’ve hugged anyone in my life. We didn’t speak; there were no appropriate words. Slowly we released our grip and parted.

The car was a place of comfort and I sat there for some time, trying to regain my composure smashed in the last hour. Finally I started to return to the barren, sterile house that Dad inhabited rather than lived in. There was no point in telling him. The information could never ease his pain and confusion. And so I entered his kitchen, its museum-like quality more poignant after I’d been so close to Mum, and pulled a bottle of whisky from the cupboard. There was a voice from the front room. Dad had a visitor.

This was as unexpected as finding life on the moon: Dad never had visitors. He had no friends and only modern neighbours who kept themselves to themselves and studied the pavement when walking past. During the days of my return he’d spoken to no one and received no phone calls.

Detectives Ryan and Orton sat next to each other on the old blue sofa at the far end of the front room, Dad facing them in the old armchair he’d sat in for as long as I could remember. He’d been there just days before when I’d returned unannounced, greeting me with a nod and a hello as though my appearance was the most natural of occurrences. He had the same look now, as though he regularly received visits from the police looking for his son who hadn’t lived with him for ten years. His face was passive, unresponsive to the strangeness around him.

‘Mr Mitchell, at last.’ Ryan replaced his cup on saucer with an unpleasant scrape of china. ‘I was just telling your father here that we’ve been trying to catch up with you for a couple of days now, but that you don’t seem too keen to talk to us. You should turn your phone on, Jack, you never know who might be trying to contact you.’ His voice was heavy with an irony that both he and Orton seemed to find amusing.

I made no move. Ryan and Orton remained seated and Dad continued to sip his tea with loud slurps.

‘Perhaps we could take a walk outside,’ Ryan invited me with a wave of his arm. For a moment I thought Dad was going to follow, but he turned to the kitchen instead as the three of us stepped outside. ‘There really was no need to avoid us like that, Jack.’

‘Sorry, I’ve had a few things to deal with.’

‘This is all a bit unexpected, isn’t it? This return to New Zealand, I mean. We called Bebe to contact you and got quite a surprise when he told us we could find you back here.’

‘That bad, is it, that you have to find me so urgently?’

‘Guilty conscience, Jack?’

‘I’m tired of games, Detective, so if you don’t mind, perhaps you could just tell me what it is you want.’

‘Is that what happened with Jo—a game gone too far? I went to the funeral, you know—a sad affair. When someone that young dies it really hammers home how fragile we all are. Her parents were distraught.’

‘I’m sorry I missed it.’ And I was.

‘I’ve come to tell you that we’ve completed our enquiries and we won’t be laying any charges.’ He searched my eyes for a reaction. ‘Are you surprised?’

‘Why should I be?’

‘We can find no corroborating evidence, Jack. I find this depressing and it angers me, because quite honestly, I’d have liked nothing better than to pin your sorry arse. You deserve prison for what you did to that woman and for the oh-so-smooth cover-up that you and your gofer Bebe executed. But I guess that’s what Taikon money buys: the best cover-up in town. The whole thing was too good for me to crack. I know you were there, but I can never prove it. So you’re a free man, Jack.’

‘Why don’t you like me?’

Ryan laughed at the question, shook his head and studied his shoes. I wasn’t used to being mocked: it was quite refreshing, almost enjoyable to be treated with contempt. And today was as good a day as any to be abused. ‘It’s not a case of liking or disliking you, Jack. I just think you’ve wasted your gifts. The rest of us have to slog away at everything, but you have the lot and somehow it’s not enough. You want more and in taking what you want you fuck it up for us normal people. Ordinary people like Jo.’

‘Thanks for coming round, Detective, I appreciate you letting me know.’

‘I’ve already told Bebe. I expect Taikon will be pleased.’

‘I expect they will.’

I watched them leave, pausing to talk to Dad, shaking his hand and disappearing. For the first time I realised how much the wind had picked up and I pulled my jacket tightly around my body. The relief I expected from Ryan’s news refused to materialise. I felt dirty. Perhaps Ryan was right to dislike me. As I stood under a thickening sky Dad joined me. ‘Everything all right?’

‘Fine.’

He tilted his head to the sky and almost seemed to sniff the air like a dog latching onto a familiar scent. ‘They say there’s a huge storm on the way. It’s going to hit Northland tomorrow.’

‘Do you think the bach will be okay?’

He shrugged his shoulders.

‘When was the last time anyone checked the place out?’

He didn’t even bother to answer this time, just walked away. That was that, the sudden appearance of the police dealt with in a simple question and answer. He didn’t need to know any more about me; perhaps he didn’t want to know any more about me.

Bebe was on the phone that evening, happier than he’d been for weeks and bubbling with enthusiasm. Everyone at Taikon was excited, it seemed; even George Mason felt the future was now secure. Details of my visit to the clinic were already confirmed and the future after that mapped out. The company had negotiated a much-expanded American tour followed by more dates across twelve European countries; then there was talk of a major documentary shot like a feature film and released as a Hollywood blockbuster. It would mean several months of filming in the States after the European tour ended. That was that then. All was rosy on planet fame. Bebe had already booked my return to England. I had just two days left in New Zealand. I wanted none of what was so meticulously mapped out for me. Is this how Mum felt? At least she manufactured an escape; there seemed no such relief for me.

Early next morning I put the meagre possessions I had with me into the hire car, bought several bottles of tequila and whisky and drove to the bach: it was the only place I wanted to be. The wind was stronger, as the storm relentlessly ground its way towards land. It was the first time I’d been to the bach since Caroline’s death, the first time anyone had visited in all that time. The place was dirty and dark with cobwebs hanging from the corners. Sand, driven through cracks by years of wind, covered the floors and crackled under foot. Despite the weather I opened the windows and set about cleaning the rooms. I was thankful for the work.

FIFTEEN

I rang Mary only to say goodbye, but my story about Mum melted her ice. I never meant it to happen, there was no searching for sympathy—I simply wanted to tell her I was leaving New Zealand. Mary knew all about loss, though, so my account of meeting Heather hit a sympathetic nerve. Suddenly she wanted to see me. I could hardly believe her change of mind, but I accepted the gift and thanked Mum under my breath. That same afternoon was the only time before my departure Mary could see me. I offered to return to Auckland, but she was keen to see the bach again, so, despite the storm warnings, she arranged to visit.

To fill in the time before her arrival I set about protecting the house from the imminent storm. Many years ago, Dad had made storm shutters to protect the sea-facing windows. Ours was the only bach to have them and I felt a sting of pride the first time we erected them in the face of the torrid remains of a tropical storm that had ravaged the coastline. None of the other beachfront baches actually suffered any damage, but whereas the other residents spent an anxious evening fretting about the strength of their buildings, Dad and I sat inside safe in the knowledge that we were protected. I remember we pretended to be in the Blitz, eating dry biscuits as though they were all that remained from our rations. We huddled close together when the thunderclaps came, protecting ourselves from bombs falling on the streets above our shelter. I loved him so much as we sat on the floor with blankets draped over our heads, making faces in the torchlight. That was before Mum left, before nights like that were stolen.

I found the shutters in the boat shed where Caroline hung herself. It was quite an effort entering that place again—I hadn’t set foot there since I’d found her. The first time I tried to enter I turned back, went to the house, had a couple of stiff whiskies and returned with the bottle in hand. At the far end, behind where the Winston was parked, were the shutters under a heavy blue tarpaulin. I’d never had to handle them alone before and they weighed a ton. How strong was Dad? I remember him swinging them around as though they were made of plywood. Unless I moved the boat I wouldn’t be able to manoeuvre the boards out of the shed, so what started as a whim became a full-scale task for which I was grateful. To remove the boat I needed the tractor, but it hadn’t been started for years. I had no hope of it firing, but in a defiant moment I tried and to my amazement, after some coaxing and priming, the damn thing started with a huge belch of smoke. I worked steadily, taking sips of whisky to keep me going. I removed the boat, pulled out the shutters, replaced the boat and then, one by one, manhandled the dead weight of the shutters to their windows. A final search of the shed produced the padlocks to secure them and after three hours I was able to rest. In the afternoon light the boards cast an eerie golden light into the front room. It was unnerving to sit there without a view of the sea, but still hear the waves as they steadily strengthened.

After an hour or so, and about the time Mary was due, the afternoon waned and the light suddenly dipped as though a sheet had been thrown over the house. The place creaked for the first time, a sure sign of the wind’s increasing strength. I went to the deck to survey the storm’s approach. The darkness on the horizon was clearly boiling storm clouds rather than approaching night. Waves thundered on the shore as the depression pushed billions of tons of water to the coast. The wind had a real bite now and a couple of stronger gusts knocked me off balance so I retreated inside and, glass in hand, continued the wait for Mary. The slow tick of time was almost unbearable.

Without further warning the storm hit. In the midst of a huge gust of wind, rain smashed against the wooden shutters as though someone outside had sprayed them with a fire hose. Immediately the rain increased in ferocity, beating against the wood, driving in harder and harder. I paced the room, the noise almost deafening in the dark confines of the coffin-like room. Ten minutes later my phone finally rang. In that short time the storm had strengthened and I could hardly hear Mary above the rain. She was still in the next bay, unable to drive the connecting road because the sea was washing over the road. She was afraid to try walking through. I shouted for her to wait and said I would come and collect her. I pulled on the thickest clothes I had, claimed the newest oilskin from the collection kept downstairs and pulled on the highest boots. I tried three torches from the collection in the cupboard and, having found one that worked, braved the elements.

Immediately the storm embraced me, clawing at every part of my body as I crossed the short stretch of grass leading to the beach. I half scrambled, half fell down the slope to the sand and, head bowed, battled my way into the battering wind. The rain drove into my face as I raised my head to navigate. It was a half kilometre walk to the rocks, which marked the beginning of the narrow road that linked the bays. The wind came from my left and it took almost all my strength just to hold a straight line. Halfway to the rocks I rested in the lee of an old pohutukawa tree: even its solid trunk, which would have seen worse storms than this, swayed.

By the time I reached the rocks, the wind seemed to have gained even more strength. Waves crashed and thudded against the ragged rock line. Water, tipped with foam, spilled over the road, but it was passable—a considerable relief given Mary’s desperate description. At worse the water was fifteen centimetres deep so I sloshed my way through. A larger wave sent spray across my path and filled my boots with cold water. I waited for the sea to wash back across the road before continuing. When I reached the end of the rock outcrop I saw for the first time the lights of Mary’s car parked about a hundred metres from the end of the road. She was so grateful to see me that she hugged me before planting a warm kiss on my wet cheek.

Mary was driving an old Honda. I didn’t fancy our chances of guiding it through the water—one decent wave, the electrics would blow and we’d be stranded—so I parked the car further back on the beach where I hoped the sea couldn’t reach it. Any attempt to talk was ripped away by the wind, so we mimed our intentions and found an easy understanding. The trees edging the beach buckled against the wind’s power and, in brief pauses in the gusts, whipped back to their old shape before a fresh onslaught bent them again. The afternoon light was all but gone now, so I pulled the torch from my pocket as we began the trip back to the bach.

At the rocks marking the beginning of the road, Mary stopped and looked at me. There was fear in her eyes and she was shaking, pleading to turn back. I held up a thumb and shouted that all was well, but my words were immediately stolen. Reassuringly I touched her shoulder. I knew the worsening storm had made the return far more difficult but I was not to be denied now. My mind was set on getting to the bach. The wind cranked up yet another notch, forcing waves to break over the rocks and wash across the road to where it cut through the headland, making a cliff on the left-hand side. The narrow stretch of tarmac was now a river with the waves surging along its length. We started along the road, walking close to the solid cliff. A huge wave crashed onto the rocks and across the road some thirty metres ahead. Spray, as heavy as the rain, washed over us, followed by a high surge of water that rolled down the road like a mini tidal wave. It hit us above the knee with considerable force. Mary reeled and flailed with her arms to regain balance. I managed to catch her elbow and we easily rode out the smaller afterwaves that followed like children chasing their father.

We reached the curve where the road was most open. The wind drove harder at this exposed point, forcing us to turn sideways. I turned in time to see a mountainous wave cover the rocks with the greatest of ease. Mary, still turned away, let go of my hand to adjust her jacket. Desperately I tried to regain it, but failed and shouted at her. As before, my words were greedily eaten by the wind. The wave marched toward us, seemingly oblivious to the land attempting to break its progress. It made the previous monster look like the weakest sibling of the family. Frantically I tried to grab Mary as the water hit. I managed to catch her sleeve, but my hand slipped on the greasy material of her coat.

The water smashed like a massive punch in the back, throwing me forward. I gripped the rock I was thrown against and felt my chin sting as it glanced the sharp shards of the rock face. Mary was swept away, her arms flapping like orange flags, carried back to the sea by the now receding water. As it retreated, the water lost its strength. I tried running after her, but the wind blew straight into me and with the water still above my knee I was unable to make any real progress. Helplessly I watched as the water gently plopped Mary on the last outcrop before the sea. Like a monkey she gripped the rocks with all four limbs. A secondary wave swept over her body, but it didn’t have the strength to loosen her grip. I battled on toward her, finally reaching the first rocks at the road edge and splashing through the pools left by the retreating water.

Mary was on her knees when I reached her and I crouched down over her body like a mother protecting its young. I gulped for air, my strength close to consumed. I gripped Mary’s wrist, pulled her arms free of the rocks and held her hands. Mary tried to respond, but her energy was gone, so I adjusted my stance, grasping more tightly. We wouldn’t have time to get back to the road before the next wave came upon us so we had no choice but to ride out the onslaught where we knelt. I could hear it breaking in the distance and I braced myself.

The wave thundered into the rocks. The angle of the wave’s impact and the rocks to our right protected us from the break; it was the water receding our way that threatened our safety. The now familiar wall of water rushed across the road and back to where we waited. I braced for the impact, crouching over Mary, holding her as tightly as possible without squeezing the air from her lungs and crushing ribs. We survived the initial hit, but the relentless weight of water forced me to take a step and my balance was gone. I knocked Mary and, like a parachute jumper, she instantly disappeared from sight as the water sucked her from the rock. I saw her bobbing in the water like a piece of driftwood, gulping for air just ten metres from the rocks.

I fell to my stomach and hugged the rocks, which tore the sleeves of my oilskin and jumper almost to the skin. The remnants of the wave washed over me and with nothing of similar size following I relaxed my grip. Up I crawled onto all fours, wiping salt water from stinging eyes. I’d lost sight of Mary and for what seemed like long panicky seconds I scoured the sea for the familiar orange of her coat. Gulping in great lungfuls of air, I bellowed her name at the grey water. It was useless but I kept shouting so loudly that I imagined my throat exploding. I couldn’t let her go, I couldn’t lose her.

Suddenly there she was, just metres away, her head popping out of the water like a cork, her mouth gulping air like a beached fish. When she saw me she thrashed her arms, but that only turned her in a fruitless circle. Her head slipped under the water and I watched helplessly until she reappeared, closer this time as a fortunate swell pushed her toward the rocks I grimly inhabited. The sea was building for another drive. I held out my hand and watched her close in on me so slowly it reminded me of one of those grainy old black and white films of an Apollo spaceship docking. Another swell lifted her toward me and I grabbed her hair, yanking her head so I could catch hold of her jacket collar. She was weak and lifeless with hardly the strength to move her arms. Hand over hand, centimetre by centimetre, I hauled her onto my rock. In the distance I heard the smack of a new wave and knew it would be just seconds before another wall of water was upon us. Mary was almost out of the water—just her legs dangled in the sea—but there was no more time, so I pushed her flat and lay across her body, holding the rocks on either side. Thankfully the wave lacked the ferocity of some of its predecessors and water washed over us with a power I was easily able to withstand.

Quickly I was on my feet and pulling Mary clear of the water. She stood, but there was no strength in her legs and she buckled under her own weight. Half carrying, half stumbling, I managed to get her across the rocks, over the road and to the shelter of the cliff where we leant against its solid face, panting for breath. The waves were calmer, but I knew it was just a matter of seconds before bigger ones would come again. I hauled Mary over my shoulder, dropped my head and ran as fast as I could. Another wave crashed over the rocks and swept down the road, but I kept my balance and pushed on regardless. Finally, with no further monster waves, I came to the end of the road and felt the welcome softness of sand. Clumsily I lowered Mary and sank to my knees, panting. Mary was awake but silent, her body convulsed with shivers. Her cheeks were white and her lips blue. The hollow look in her eyes frightened me and I knew there was a new threat now. Although far from rested I stood and hitched her back onto my shoulders.

Fatigue attacked as I was halfway back to the bach. Wind and rain still tore at me, but their discomforts were nothing compared with the screaming complaints of my body. Shoulders, legs, back and arms were all stretched to breaking point. I imagined muscle and tendons breaking strand by strand with almost audible pings.

I couldn’t climb the bank from the beach to the bach with Mary on my shoulders so I ended up dragging her. I’d crawl, then turn and start hauling her dead weight up the slope, the sand giving way and slipping us back, but never to the starting point: each time there was a gain. Several times Mary groaned and feebly pushed out a leg, but her efforts were hopeless. Once we were on the grass at the summit of the bank I could only pull her to the bach as though she were a dead body ready for burial. The last act was to drag her inside and slam the door shut on the storm.

I didn’t even contemplate the stairs but got Mary into the downstairs bedroom where I’d last seen Caroline alive. She lay on the floor, murmuring as her body shook with cold. Upstairs I found some old trackpants and a sweatshirt. Mary was now close to unconsciousness, her eyes rolling in their sockets. I fought with her sopping clothes, yanking at trousers, jumper and shirt. She wore no bra. The sudden revelation took my breath away. Her breasts were as I remembered, pale and strong, the dark nipples erect from the cold. Slow with guilt I bent and laid the lightest of kisses on each nipple.

Appalled, I quickly struggled with the sweatshirt, then lifted her into the bed and tucked the blankets under her chin. I made up two hot water bottles and put them on either side of her.

For once I deserved a drink. I drank tequila and listened to the wind and sea as they slowly calmed. Suddenly I felt colder than I could ever remember and I shivered uncontrollably. Finally I allowed myself the luxury of savouring my achievement. I had saved Mary. I had prevented her loss and I felt the joy of triumph. The drink washed over my tired and aching body and disturbed my stomach. I drank through the remnants of the storm and fell asleep on the sofa as the wind abated and the rain died to the occasional drizzle.

The sky was clear in the morning and the air electric clean as always after a storm. Gulls squawked with delight as they paraded on the beach, poking and prodding an array of gourmet treats washed up the night before. Waves gently rolled on shore without the power to trouble a toddler. There was a half glass of tequila left in the bottle, which I finished with one gulp. With some caution I went to Mary’s room. I’d never considered that she might die in the night, but now, in the cold light of day, it struck me as a distinct possibility. I opened the door and with great relief saw her move.

‘Is that you, Jack?’ Her voice was feeble and she coughed.

‘Yes.’

I hesitated at the door. ‘Come in,’ she urged.

‘I’ll make you some coffee.’

‘Thank you, Jack, thank you for saving my life.’

‘Christ, Mary, at one point I thought you’d gone. I thought I’d never see you again.’

Her voice cracked and she fought back a sob. ‘Me too.’

I sat on the side of her bed, both of us lost for words, as though what had happened was too much for us to contemplate and erased all our history. ‘I’ll make that coffee.’

She didn’t have the strength to answer and simply lay back in bed, her eyes slowly closing. She slept most of the day, waking only in the afternoon for a drink before sleeping again. By the following day she’d regained some strength and easily sat up in bed for coffee.

Satisfied that she was comfortable, I set about the task of removing the boards from the front windows. Within minutes, though, I felt exhausted again and for the first time realised how draining the rescue had been. Although I had regained some strength, I regretted having started, but was determined to keep going, so I took shutters back to the boat shed, storing them where they’d been kept before.

‘Is this where she died?’

Mary’s voice made me jump. Pale and shaky, she was standing in the door, just where I had been when I found Caroline.

‘Yes,’ I replied.

‘Where exactly?’

‘Sorry?’

‘Where did she…hang herself from?’

I pointed to the middle of the shed and the central beam where I’d found her hanging. For the briefest of moments I saw her again, saw those slowly swinging feet and their painted toenails. ‘There.’

Mary shuddered, stared at the spot for a minute and walked away. My instinct was to follow, but instead I finished the job of replacing the boards. It was an hour before I sought out Mary, who was sitting in the front room nibbling on some toast. Tired beyond belief, I lay on the sofa. ‘Mary, I need to know what you meant in the hospital.’

‘I know.’ She stared at the sea. ‘You broke my heart when you went with Caroline.’

‘I know.’

‘And do you know what hurt the most?’

‘No.’

‘You never saw me and told me to my face—you never took responsibility for what you did. You sent Caroline to do your dirty work and you just slid away.’

‘I turned my back, Mary, I know that—it was what my mother was trying to tell me.’ Mary looked quizzically at me, but there was no need to explain. Don’t turn your back, look beyond yourself, she had written: the message couldn’t have been clearer. ‘What did you mean in the hospital, about my being responsible for Caroline’s death?’

‘For so long it amazed me just how ignorant you were of the effect of what you did. You never used to be that way, but it was as though some cosmic switch was thrown in your head and you just forgot about other people. No one mattered but you and Caroline. You forgot that actions have consequences. You refused to take responsibility.’

‘But I didn’t kill Caroline.’ I sat with my head bowed, my chin almost on my chest. My words were barely audible.

She laughed and threw back her head. ‘You did, Jack. You mightn’t have dragged her out there and strung her up over that bloody beam, but you might just as well have. I have to take some blame—I accept that. That’s my penance.’ The first tears slid down her cheek. ‘Believe me, I still lie awake at night and want to scream at the dark.’

‘Why do you take any blame, Mary?’ For the first time I looked at her. I was shaking.

‘After you and Caroline came back from England and the arrangements were made for Caroline to meet Mum and Dad, they were so happy. I’d never seen them so happy. You have no idea just how much Caroline’s estrangement hurt them. It was bad enough for me, but they used to sit in silence night after night, unable to even broach the subject. They only talked about what she’d done as a child. That’s all they had, the past—the future was gone. And then suddenly, as though she’d risen from the dead, she was back. And then she failed to show up that night at the restaurant and all the shit started again. I hated her for that. It’s funny, but after all the stuff with you and going away and her letter, I never actually hated her, but I did that night because she’d given them hope and taken it away again. She had to be punished, Jack, she had to be punished for putting us through all that again.’ She was sobbing.

‘What did you do?’ Seeing her so distraught brought the first tears to my eyes.

‘The morning she died she’d rung me. She was so upset. You’d argued and she was so desperate she had to talk to someone, and there was no one but me.’

I remembered the broken phone from the morning of her death, the cord snaking across the floor.

‘There was my chance, so I told her about the letter, Jack. I told her about our letters. I told her how you’d apologised on the bottom of her vile letter from London and I told her how we carried on writing after that. It couldn’t have been worse. Shagging she could have understood—sex wasn’t that important—but she thought she had your entire mind, your wonderful bloody mind, but she didn’t. I had some of it still and she couldn’t bear that betrayal.’

‘You should have told me.’ I gripped my head in my hands.

‘I blamed you too much. If you hadn’t written those words at the end of her letter, none of this would have happened, but there was that little bit of kindness left in you—and it was enough to kill her.’

‘I’m sorry, Mary,’ I whispered in my grief.

‘You’ve repaid your debt now, Jack. There’s no need to be sorry.’

I shook my head. ‘No, there are much greater debts for me to pay, believe me.’

Detective Ryan,

I’m writing to tell you I wish to amend the statement I made about the unfortunate death of Jo Thompson. I lied. I know you never believed me, and you were right to be so suspicious. I’m available for re-interview at any time.

I was in the room with Jo and the Russian prostitute. Drugs were taken. Honestly, I can’t remember where they came from. I had enough in that room to knock out an elephant.

For too long I’ve avoided the truth of what I did. Well, no longer. I lied to you and to Jo’s family and you all deserve to know the truth.

Yours faithfully,

Jack Mitchell

THE NEW ZEALAND HERALD

Mitchell Sentenced

At the Auckland High Court yesterday world-renowned New Zealand scientist Jack Mitchell was sentenced to one year’s supervision.

The 30-year-old founder of the Superforce theory pleaded guilty to a charge of perverting the course of justice. The charges arose following the death of 31-year-old Joanne Thompson at Auckland Hospital in March of this year. Thompson died from a cocaine overdose, taken at a celebrity party at the Hilton Hotel held for Mitchell following his successful national speaking tour.

When interviewed by police, Mitchell denied any involvement but later admitted his role in the cover-up. In mitigation, Mitchell’s counsel confirmed that the charges and court appearance had ended his lucrative contract with the Taikon Corporation and that the cancellation of Mitchell’s shows across the United States, together with the loss of other commercial deals, had left him bankrupt and out of work.

In sentencing Mitchell, Justice Simon Paine told him that he was one of the world’s most gifted men and it personally saddened him to see him before the court. However he accepted that Mitchell’s belated actions in admitting his role and his plea of guilty saved him from a custodial sentence.

Outside court, Mitchell asked to be left alone to start work again.

Dear Jack,

I’m sorry I’ve left it so long to write. I know I should have said something before, but somehow it all seemed too hard. I read about your sentence. I’m glad you avoided prison—you certainly didn’t deserve that.

Things were pretty rough after your little confession. My God, meeting after meeting, more debriefs than if I was a spy coming in from the cold. Mason was as wild as any man could be without bursting blood vessels. He swore vengeance against you, and I think he got what he wanted. He could never understand how, having got away with it, you turned yourself in. I tried to persuade him just to release you, but that isn’t his way, and no one was listening to me any more. I warned you this would happen. Taikon will make sure you never get anything. You won’t be able to fart without having to pay for it.

As for me, well, I survived. You know me. In fact I’ve been assigned to look after your old sparring partner, Frank Driesler. Yes, I thought that might amuse you. Nothing has been announced, but he has been signed up as the next big thing. I’ve only met him twice and both times he could do little but talk about you. He really is quite obsessed. Only time will tell, but I’m sure it won’t be anywhere near as much fun as the time with you.

I miss you, Jack. You were a complete idiot at times, but there was never a dull moment with you. I admire you for that; in fact I admire you for what you did. Taikon can take all the material stuff away from you, but they can never take away your genius. Your achievement will be with all of us until the day the human race just gives up.

Finally, I’m sorry about the Nobel not going your way. It will be yours one day, once all the rage has died down and what you did in that hotel room is forgotten. If anyone deserves it, you do.

I hope one day we meet again.

Regards,

Bebe

SIXTEEN

I woke early as the first daylight spilt over the horizon. The sea was calm and the clouds high; it was a perfect day for fishing. There was a rhythm to my days now, so much slower, so much more purposeful than before. Lazily I set about making a pot of tea. ‘Tea’s on the bench, we’re leaving in twenty minutes,’ I called up to the bedroom.

There was an early morning chill and a gentle breeze rustled the treetops. In the boat shed fridge I found a trevally and cut it into strips for bait. I cranked the tractor and followed the time-honoured procedure. Ted from the bach at the far end of the bay had already parked his tractor and was waiting for me to pull up behind him.

‘Ready for some marlin, Jack?’

‘Hope so, Ted.’

He tipped his cap to the back of his head to check the sky and we walked along the beach together.

‘Will you two come along for a drink and a game this evening?’ he asked eagerly.

‘Maybe, Ted, I’ll let you know what we’re up to later.’

He nodded and returned to his boat, whistling tunelessly.

I glanced at the rock outcrop in the distance. The day after the storm was the last time I had seen Mary. Whatever hopes I may have harboured, there was no grand reunion.

In the six months since we had spoken on the phone and exchanged the odd message. A peace of sorts was declared, but it was never enough for her to forgive me the past. Or so she said. I wasn’t so sure. We had a history, a grand history, and that’s never easy to forget. Mike had told me that she was thinking of going to Australia to teach. He said it every time we spoke, but still she remained in New Zealand. I couldn’t help but think that one day, perhaps when I least expected it, I’d look up to see her driving along the beach and back to me.

Back at the bach I went to the kitchen.

‘You really do make the most awful tea, Jack.’

‘Sorry, Dad.’

He poured his drink down the sink. ‘You put too many bags in and it’s stewed to buggery.’ He poured hot water into the pot and added just one bag. ‘Looks like a beautiful day, we should catch something today.’

‘I reckon. Ted would like us to go for a game tonight—I said we might.’ I waited for Dad to finish his tea. ‘I forgot to tell you, the lawyer rang yesterday—settlement on the house has been brought forward a week.’

‘That’s great.’

‘Once we have the money we can really get this place into shape.’

We fished all day with limited success and returned home in the late afternoon. I towed the boat back to the shed and watered her down. After a shower I asked Dad about going out, but he felt too tired, so I strolled along the beach, my feet kicking the gentle surf, to tell Ted. When I returned Dad was asleep on the sofa. I checked my phone. There was a missed call from Mike and a message from Mary. It said nothing in particular—they never did—but it was contact and while it continued there was hope.

On one side of the front room was the small wooden desk I’d bought at a second-hand furniture shop in Whangarei. Spread across the top were pieces of paper covered with my reworked pencil equations of Einstein’s cosmological constant. This was a more modest endeavour than the spiral field maths I’d first glimpsed in the rain patterns on the window, and the chances of publication were nil—thanks to Taikon. But I didn’t care. I pondered sitting down to the last series of numbers, but it was too nice an evening, it could wait for another day. After covering Dad with a blanket I went and lay on the bank leading to the beach. Listening to the sea I lay back and watched the stars’ nightly rebirth as darkness came.

Excerpt

When Jack Mitchell watched streams of water pouring down a window pane after another fight with his wife, he glimpsed the infinite.

At last he grasps the elusive chain of thought which will ultimately lead to his solution of the scientific disparity between the theories of Relativity and Quantum. However, amidst the triumph of creating the radical new Superforce Theory, the young scientist’s wife has her own appointment with eternity.

Her suicide the day after Superforce’s birth begins a reckless journey for Jack. The technological implications of Superforce are immense and, as first his theory and then his life are taken over by a multinational corporation, Jack begins to unravel. With his life spinning dangerously out of control, his corporate minders, who are grooming him for a Nobel Prize and a return on their investment, send him home to New Zealand to cool off. But a rival theory emerges and in the tense months leading up to the Nobel announcement old demons re-emerge…and someone who knows him very well begins sending anonymous letters that stir painful memories…with disastrous consequences.

About the Author

Alan Goodwin is a first-time novelist. He lives and works in Auckland where he is the managing partner in West Auckland’s largest legal practice.

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HarperCollins Publishers

First published 2006

This edition published in 2010

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Copyright © Alan Goodwin 2006

Alan Goodwin asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publishers.

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Goodwin, Alan, 1963-

Gravity’s chain / Alan Goodwin.

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Content

Alan Goodwin
GRAVITY’S CHAIN

ONE

TWO

THREE

FOUR

FIVE

SIX

SEVEN

EIGHT

NINE

TEN

ELEVEN

TWELVE

THIRTEEN

FOURTEEN

FIFTEEN

SIXTEEN

Excerpt

About the Author

Copyrigh

About the Publisher