Beautifully Awake

by

Riley Mackenzie

To our two husbands and five children. Thank you for giving us our “HEA!”

Prologue

It was eerily quiet in the room. Only the rhythmic sound of the heart monitor interrupted the silence. This was how it was supposed to be. Not like the last time. The sounds from last time haunted me every day and night. A wave of nausea rolled through me. I gripped my stomach. I was going to be sick.

How did I let this happen?

I stood and stared motionlessly at the already lifeless body in the bed. Time stood still. It could have been minutes or hours, I had no clue. No one came in. I wanted to yell and scream. I wanted to break down and sob. I wanted to talk and explain. But it was too late. All of it.

Instead I hummed our favorite song. Music was our happy place.

Finally I reached out and brushed the hair from those familiar eyes, the mirror reflection of my own. You were awake. Your eyes were open. But the light was gone. There was nothing but darkness. Three years of complete emptiness.

It was time to close your eyes.

1

July first

The sound of Katy Perry coming from the bedside table started getting louder and louder. Okay, I’m wide awake. 5:30 AM. Shit.

I slapped the oversized snooze button for the second time and kicked the light cream-colored sheet off my bare legs. The back of my sleeveless tank was damp with sweat. July was ridiculously hot.

Rubbing the sleep from my burning eyes, I blindly reached for my glasses on the nightstand. I needed to stop being a wimp and get the damn Lasik already.

Small clips from last night’s dream teased their way into my mind while I stretched my limbs. Tall grass-covered dunes, sea glass. It was a beach dream. Those were never bad. Why was it I never remembered the good dreams, and if I did, the details were etched in pencil. Easy to fade, easy to erase, while those other dreams were engraved in permanent black Sharpie.

The beach sounded like a fan-freakin-tastic idea. Anything was better than work today. Neurosurgery. Were we really talking brain surgery, why not just send my ass to NASA for the next month?

“Just get your butt out of bed and get it over with already.” I sighed my monthly mantra. So now I talked out loud to myself. Charming. I hated pretending I had the first clue what the surgery “team” was talking about on rounds. Being out of my element sucked. I scrunched my nose and mashed the pillow down over my face. The sun was barely up, and I already wanted the day to be over.

New service, new residents, new intern and a brand new attending. Still, nothing could be worse than the month I spent on the cardiac service. That attending was awful. Sounded harsh, but it was true. He was rude and inconsiderate, not to mention lacking any social graces whatsoever. And if I had to bear witness to pompous adults throwing temper tantrums, I could have done without a southern twang. It was kind of ironic if you thought about it, a heart surgeon without a heart. This one had to be a little better; rumor had it he was from NYC. That was already an improvement.

Philadelphia Hospital had more than its fair share of arrogant surgeons to go around and did not need another. I had the pleasure of being tortured on most of their services for the past two years, somehow escaping neuro until now.

Pediatrics was the exception, of course. My exception. It’s why I moved here and took this job. At least that was my story, even if it was a lie. I was hired to be case manager for the pediatric surgery service, and I dedicated every free second to the position when I first moved here. Case manager was a far cry from social worker, but I still got to work with needy kids. And because of that, my first year was fine. Not stellar, not dream job status, but doable.

All I ever wanted to do was work with the kids and their families. People who gravitated toward peds were pretty even-tempered, even the surgeons. Everyone’s focus was the kid’s well being. All the other bull was moot. And although I didn’t make as much of a difference as I would have liked, it was a safe place to channel my energy.

Then the hospital fell off some fiscal cliff and all the case managers needed to take turns rotating on the different surgery services. Two years later, the so-called reallocation of resources had zero effect on the hospital deficit, but had a seriously detrimental effect on my irritable bowel.

“Okay, okay. I’m going,” I huffed at myself. Good thing I lived alone.

Ten minutes later, showered, with contacts in, I stood in front of my bedroom closet. Correction. My bedroom/living room/dining room closet. My studio was on the smaller side, all five hundred square feet, but it was all mine.

The daily routine of picking out work clothes bored the heck out of me, so a light blue fitted blouse with my staple above the knee black pencil skirt was easy. I wore it entirely too often, but hopefully no one noticed. The rest of the team couldn’t care less, rolled out of bed, skipped the shower, and showed up in glorified pajamas. So why did I care? It’s not like I wanted to impress anyone.

My reflection bounced off the full-length mirror. The changes were subtle, but they were there. Still five-six, but three years of building a new life recharged my confidence. I stood a little taller. My size four frame looked less skinny and a little more toned, thanks to my new therapist—running.

It didn’t really matter because it was all about the shoes. A strange guilty pleasure for a girl from bumble fuck where UGGS and flip-flops defined footwear. I slipped on my favorite black patent leather peep toe pumps and cracked a half smile. They might not be designer shoes, but they looked good to me. It was my only real vice.

I ran a quick brush through my hair, not that it mattered much, since my loose dark brown curls would be up in a messy ponytail by lunch. I was predictable.

Mascara and chapstick. Good enough. I repeated my mantra: just get it over with.

“Mornin’, Miss Lili. Happy New Year, sunshine!”

“Good morning, Jorge. Aren’t you a comedian! How’s your family?” I asked, returning my friend’s infectious smile.

Anyone who had any connection, even remote, to medicine knew the significance of July first. Philly had a hospital every few hundred feet, so even my trusted elderly barista who owned the most delicious coffee cart in all of Center City was astutely aware.

He was right for all intents and purposes; it was a new year. Residents all moved up a year in training, but unfortunately their egos increased exponentially overnight. July also welcomed brand new interns to the floors. Medical student one day, doctor the next. Frightening. NEVER get sick in July.

“What can I getcha, sunshine? Usual?”

“I think I’ll pass on the latte, but it’s Wednesday, so I’ll take two of those delicious apple scones if you have them.”

Caffeine and nervous stomach was an ugly mix. I didn’t need anything fueling the rumble down below. Some people manifested stress with a simple pimple. Not me.

On the bright side, I saved three bucks. Cha-ching. If I had a sexy shoe jar, I only needed two hundred more days like today and I might have gotten the nerve to actually try on a pair. How was that for glass half full…

“Anything for Miss Lili. You tell me if those kidza misbehave. I fix ‘em good!”

I’m not sure what I loved more, Jorge’s Spanglish or that he blew me a kiss every day.

Coffee-less, I crossed the street, zig-zagging between the half dozen cars lined up in front of the hospital parking garage. You could set your watch by hospital shift changes. From outside, it looked like a hockey line switch. Fast and precise, without game interruption. It was just missing sex on skates.

If I weren’t OCD about being on time, I would have dilly-dallied a little longer. It was seriously gorgeous out—one of those days when the sky was so crystal clear it looked fake, and the air was so crisp you wished you could bottle it. I couldn’t fill my lungs enough. It was a perfect beach day. But not today. Today duty called. I headbanded my hair with my wide framed sunglasses and pushed through the revolving doors. The hospital was already buzzing, and it was obscenely early.

My vibrating side interrupted my autopilot trek toward the elevators. I reached into the depths of a seriously oversized bag to find the damn thing.

“Hey, everything okay?” I finally answered.

“Hey, Asspuck. How’s it going so far? Did you meet him yet?”

“Sierra, are you for real? Why are you awake and what possessed you to call me so early?” My best friend didn’t do early—EVER. Uneasiness settled in the pit of my stomach. “Everything okay with the baby?”

“Don’t worry, the baby’s totally fine, kicking the crap out of me and wreaking havoc on my body, but great. Lil, you need to see my boobs, they’re like a road map with green lines everywhere ... and you’re gonna love this-”

“Um, Sier? I’m at work, can this wait?” I tried to whisper since there was a cluster of people waiting with me at the elevator.

“A hemorrhoid. A. Fucking. Hemorrhoid.” She had no shame. “It’s so disgusting. Don’t get me wrong, I love being pregnant, and I knew my body would take a serious hit, but I never expected a baboon ass.”

I sucked back the snort that threatened to escape from my nose while I pushed the button for my floor.

“You’re a freak!” That was an understatement. And why I loved her. All five feet of her. Sierra had more personality in her left calf than anyone I’d ever met and was not afraid to show it. If she were any taller, it wouldn’t be fair to the female race. Slim but blessed with top curves and Neutrogena fair skin.

“Are you really calling me at the crack of dawn to tell me about this little discovery? Where’s Dodd? Shouldn’t you be sharing your woes of pregnancy with that hunky husband of-”

“Umm, who do you think found it? I sure as fuck wasn’t the one down there investigating.”

Too much information.

“Gross. My eyes hurt. I could’ve done without that visual.” I chuckled so hard I didn’t have a prayer of holding back a snort this time. So much for being discreet on a crowded elevator.

Sierra was beyond comfortable talking about all things sex, and if there was a gene responsible for embarrassment, she was congenitally deficient. No detail was too personal. For as cosmopolitan as she played it, Sierra was blessed with diarrhea of the mouth within her intimate circle. A circle that started and ended with me since we were seven years old.

“Honestly, you need more than a visual, you need a freakin’ tutorial. Just saying. Maybe it’s time to mount the horse again-”

“You need serious help,” I quipped while shaking my head.

Time to change the topic. That didn’t mean she was wrong. She was more right than I would admit. Sierra knew enough about my past not to push the issue, but I appreciated her brutal honesty. It came from a good place.

“Anyway, I really called to remind you ‘bout tonight and make sure you don’t let the new guy get your panties in a bunch. He’s supposedly a real ball of sunshine. So since your day’s basically gonna suck, just look forward to happy hour instead.”

“And this is making me feel better how? Wait. How do you know about him?” I balanced my cell in the crook of my neck and pushed my office door open. I lucked out; I didn’t have to share my office like the six other case managers did. In reality, it was a converted storage closet attached to the security office, but it served its purpose.

“Dodd was at the hospital yesterday working on an endowment contract, and he said all the nurses couldn’t shut up about the new guy. I meant to call you last night, but placenta brain took over.”

Basically, a brain surgeon and a dick was what she was saying.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Who are you kidding? It wouldn’t matter if he was Mr. Rogers, you’d still be running to the bathroom all morning. Is it sick and twisted that I’m jealous? Bet you’re feeling skinny.”

“Sierra. Do me a favor and just stop talking.” She knew me too well.

“You know I’m right. You’re awesome at your job, and sure, it sucks you have to start from scratch every month with all new people, but whatever. You’ll have your shit figured out by noon and then you’ll be back to saving the world. It probably works in your favor. You totally thrive under pressure. And tonight you get to pig out on Rosa’s guacamole and not worry about gaining a pound ‘cause you made plenty of room. Bitch! I’m jealous!”

“Just. Stop. Talking.”

“Fine. I’ll see your skinny ass at six-thirty. Wa-hoo, favorite night of the month!” She sounded entirely too bubbly for this hour.

“Of course I’ll be there. Now can I go to work?” My huff was half-hearted at best.

“Fine, you’re no fun, but if there are any hotties on your team this month, I’m gonna want details. Your eyes still work, right? Even if your vagina’s sealed shut by now.”

“I’m hanging up now. Go gestate or something, see ya tonight.”

I ended the call and dropped my stuff in a desk drawer. The clock read 6:20. Sierra was right. I was all twisted for no reason. Much like the night before the first day of school, anticipation was the killer. Once you got there, you realized it was pretty much the same story, different day.

My actual job stayed the same every month, just the characters changed. I was good at it too, despite the fact it had little to do with social work. And technically, I didn’t need to play into the hierarchical ass-kissing that the residents did, but the whole vibe still affected me. Everything depended on the team. Basically a mishmosh of ambitious personalities dictated the tone of the month. Some months it worked, some months it sucked. Either way, a margarita and killer tacos waited for me on the flip side of the day.

The nurses’ station was quiet when I got there. Rounds didn’t start for another five minutes, so I booted up my tablet and checked email. Suddenly a strong nudge to my hip sent me flying. My left foot jetted out to stop myself from face planting. I blushed from the near miss and glanced up to a familiar cocky smile and a pair of dimples to die for.

“Two rotations in a row, how’d I get so lucky?” Dr. Guy Hunter said in his raspy voice and tilted his head to the side.

“Hey you! I thought you were going to plastics this month.” My voice jumped two octaves, and my grin reached halfway up to my eyes.

“Sorry, doll. You’re stuck with me again!”

As if. Stuck was not the word I would use.

My feet wanted to break into a happy dance. Guy was a kickass third year surgery resident who I was lucky enough to work with a few times—last month on pediatrics being the most recent. He was one part arrogant, two parts awesome and looked like he stepped out of a California surf magazine. His disheveled blonde hair was a little on the long side, with slightly darker roots screaming for a little sunshine. He had to be a solid six feet and he fell in the lean and toned category. His face and arms were lightly tanned. I only imagined what he would look like if he didn’t work eighty-five hours a week and actually had the chance to see the light of day. His pale blue scrubs fell loose and low on his hips and he wore burnt orange crocs. He epitomized laidback and even slipped in a “dude” from time to time. No question, he was good looking. Add in the ocean blue eyes and the dimples, and he was more like hurt-your-eyes good looking. But what made him awesome was that he was one of the smartest residents in the surgery program with a great bedside manner. By third year most of the residents had adopted cocky and started trying out different styles of arrogant. Not Guy, he was grounded and his patients adored him, especially the women whose panties seemed to melt when he flashed his dimple.

Let’s not forget charming. And although I wasn’t into him like that, or anyone for that matter, I wasn’t immune. He spoke fluent flirt, but his dialect was never offensive or distasteful. The way all the nurses looked at him, I’d bet money he was the lead in more than a few NC-17 daydreams. Oscar-worthy, no less.

Don’t get me wrong, if I were to consider abandoning my no-dating-at-work policy, hell, my no-dating-in-general policy, Dr. Hunter probably would have made the shortlist. But we were just friends. I was in no way ready to open myself up to anyone again, so I could just enjoy all things Guy. And there was a lot to enjoy.

“Switched with Martin. He loves that plastics shit, and I’d rather not waste a month doing facelifts and fucking boob jobs. Why? You sick of me yet?”

My grin felt permanently stitched on my face. “You kidding? That’s awesome, I’m psyched.” This news made my morning take a serious turn for the better.

“So you want me to run the list with you?” He reached for my tablet and accidentally grazed my side. Knowing Guy, it was probably not an accident.

He tapped the screen and the list of patients on the neuro service opened. The bottom right side of the screen glowed 6:38. The nurses’ station was still empty. The whole floor was empty.

“Where is everyone, what about rounds? When did it become okay to not be on time? Did I miss the memo somewhere?” My brain-to-mouth filter temporarily malfunctioned. “That’s really kind of ballsy for an intern, on the first day, no less. And he might be the attending, but it’s his first day too. What happened to professionalism? Hell, I’m only the case manager and I’m here on time. Forget that, I was early and latte-less.”

Guy struggled to contain his smirk. My uncharacteristic little tirade must have seriously amused him. Damn nervous energy, it needed a release and I chose now for some god-forsaken reason.

“Umm, we rounded about forty minutes ago.” The words had no sooner left his mouth when the rumble below fired and my blouse suctioned to my armpits. Time for new deodorant.

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t worry, doll. I covered for ya.” Guy palmed my shoulder, which had zero effect in the calming department.

“Why didn’t anyone page me?” This made no sense.

“The new guy Colton wanted to be a dick and show off his first day as chief. He paged at five to get us all in early. I remembered you said you needed your alarm on some crazy max volume, so I figured you didn’t hear it. It was a bullshit move on his part anyway.”

He was right about the pager, it could have been a cricket in New Jersey. It had no chance of waking me up. He remembers that?

“I can’t believe you remembered that, but you should have called me!” That was dumb, Guy didn’t have my number. I didn’t have his either. We weren’t at that level yet. Shit. “Did anyone notice I wasn’t at rounds?” I rubbed my forehead and pinched my eyebrow. What did he say his name was, Colton? The last thing I needed was an arrogant brain surgeon thinking I was lazy on day one.

“Really, don’t sweat it. I told him one of the kids on peds broke your pager yesterday.” He flashed his dimples, and I suddenly felt a pang of guilt for being bitchy. It wasn’t Guy’s fault I needed a weapon of mass destruction to wake me and I slept through the page. “And be happy you got a few extra minutes of sleep and got to miss the lion pissing-on-his-territory display this morning.” He let out a deep chuckle. “I’m not a hundred percent, but I’m pretty sure the new intern, Petit, shit his pants. It was fucking ugly.”

His full out belly laugh sliced right through my mood and I couldn’t help but join him. His laugh was infectious, even ... sexy.

“That bad, huh?”

“Don’t be surprised if Sam Petit’s scrubs don’t match when you see him.”

Guy was handsome and funny.

“Poor kid, that really stinks. I hope he’s not in my office crying all day like that intern last year. The one that wound up quitting month two—remember him?”

“Don’t feel bad for him.” The dimples disappeared and one-part arrogant took over. “Fuck that, I don’t feel bad for any of them. We all did it. Hell-” Guy looked me straight in the face as his other two-thirds finished, “and I definitely didn’t have a beautiful shoulder like yours to cry on. As I recall, peds wasn’t sharing you back then.”

Did he really just say that?

“Be careful what you say, you wouldn’t want anyone to hear that tough Guy Hunter cried like a baby as an intern.” I stepped back, breaking eye contact and letting some air back into the suddenly tight atmosphere. He flirted with all things female; it meant nothing. It was time for a change in subject. “So the new guy’s an ass. That’s what you’re saying, huh?”

“Pretty much, but that’s his issue. I couldn’t give two shits if he wants to be a dick. As long as he’s as good in the OR as they say he is, and he teaches me what I need to know to get a fellowship, I’ll play the stupid game and kiss ass. I don’t care.”

Residency could have been the topic of a bad Lifetime movie about hazing, minus the drinking and branding. It started at the top and trickled down to interns, who took the brunt. Always. It was a vicious cycle of humiliation all in the name of “medical” training. It wasn’t right.

“It’s still not right, attending or not. No one’s that freaking special. He needs to get over himself. Remember that in a few years when you’re done with all your training and an attending,” I said, not believing for one second that Guy would turn into a stereotypical surgeon. He was better than that.

“Well, he must be doing something right. He’s what, like thirty-six and already fuckin’ Chief of Neuro. He’s published a shit load, and I think he’s even a spokesman for some of that new equipment they’re training us on.” Guy finished tinkering with my tablet and handed it back to me. Envy and determination were in his eyes.

Our moment was abruptly interrupted. “You can make that man spokesperson or spokesmodel for just about anything, and I’d buy it.” A sassy voice came out of nowhere. We both looked up at Leanne Crowley, a fifth floor nurse and frequenter of girl’s happy hour. She came out of nowhere.

“Really, Lee?” Guy’s voice deepened to a semi-growl and his expression resembled that of a jealous middle schooler.

“Yes, Dr. Hunter. Really. I’d even volunteer to be his test subject.” Leanne flashed her pearly whites and shrugged her shoulders. She knew just how to push Guy’s buttons.

Turning as quickly as she appeared, she walked away with an exaggerated shake of her hips. Guy’s eyes were crazy glued to her assets until she disappeared back into a patient’s room.

Not staring at Leanne was difficult. She wasn’t just girl next door pretty, she was full on stunning. Her legs started at her chin and she worked that classic Barbie doll figure, big boobs with non-existent hips. Her blonde hair bordered on platinum, a shade that didn’t exist in a box.

When Guy’s eyes finally rebounded back and realized I caught him checking her out, he raised his brow, screaming, can you blame me? Nope.

Before he drooled on himself or before my sudden onset of completely unfounded, unjustifiable, unexplainable jealousy clawed its way to the surface, I spoke. “Hey. Let’s run the list so I can go do what I do and not give Dr. Pompous another reason to piss all over the intern again. I hear there’s a limit on how many times you can change your scrubs.”

“When did you get so funny, doll?” Those dimples killed me.

Joking aside, Guy diligently walked me through the list of patients. Who was going home soon, who needed rehab, who was scheduled for the OR, and most importantly, an abbreviated Sanskrit-to-English translation of all the neuro terms that were completely foreign.

Just as we finished with business, something dawned on me. Thanks to Guy, my morning was not total shit. He completely changed the vibe; he fixed it and made it ... enjoyable, even. He let me sleep in, if you called five thirty sleeping in. He covered for me with the new chief and even waited around after rounds to help me out. My insides warmed a degree, nowhere near thawing, but I almost imagined what it would feel like to be with someone again. To trust someone again. To share that part of myself with someone again. Almost.

I needed out of my own head, and I didn’t want my inner debate sending Guy any wrong signals. “Hey, thanks a lot. I really appreciate your help. You rock.” I genuinely meant it.

“Anytime. Gotta run, supposedly Super-Chief doesn’t need sleep and changed the damn OR schedule to start even earlier. I’ve got a laminectomy in five.” He radiated annoyance. “So as much as I enjoy your awesome company, I’d rather skip the Chief’s how-long’s-my-dick show if I can. I’ll see ya later, but make sure you page me if you need help changing Petit’s diaper. Show him who’s boss.”

He squeezed my arm again and sauntered toward the stairs. Surgeons and stairs. I didn’t get it.

“Go, run, don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll dazzle him with your lami-whatever skills, and hopefully there will be no need for any showing of man parts.” I winked and smiled. “And thanks again for covering for me this morning. I’m just glad he didn’t notice.”

With one hand opening the steel door, he glanced back looking incredibly handsome and dead serious.

“I never said that, doll. He totally noticed.”

2

Chiseled

After Guy left to lami-something someone, I tracked down Sam Petit. I was pleasantly surprised there were no signs of an impending meltdown. He appeared to have his shit together in matching scrubs. Not bad for a first day intern. It also psyched me out to learn we were getting a physician assistant on our service. Supposedly Colton was a control freak in the operating room and insisted on having his own PA to scrub with. I guessed residents didn’t cut it. He must have had some clout, because the surgery department assigned Jackson, who aside from being a great guy, was one of the more senior PAs and known to be kickass in the operating room. So far the team looked promising. Three down, one to go.

The morning was so busy, I barely had time to stress about missing rounds. Even the rumble subsided. And since Colton’s OR schedule was jam packed with the most treacherous sounding procedures, he wasn’t going to care that his case manager slept through a page. Craniotomies, ventriculostomies, transsphenoidal resections, chiari decompressions—total effing Sanskrit. NASA sounded remedial in comparison.

The hospital grapevine, aka Leanne, buzzed that Dr. Colton was one of the go-to-guys in his field. Patients were already scheduled months in advance for consults. And not just local patients, people were flying in from all over. The hospital powers-that-be must have been thrilled; after all, it was always about the bottom line for them. There was a good chance I wouldn’t deal with Dr. Pompous at all this rotation.

And just as Sierra predicted, I quickly fell right into my routine. I met with all my patients trying to tease out any social issues, because old habits died hard, and then spent hours on the phone arguing with soul-sucking insurance companies. This part of the job completely and utterly sucked, but someone needed to fight for these people, even if it was always a losing battle. It always boiled down to the same thing. Money. Saving the hospital money. Saving the insurance company money. Who cared if these patients were sick and vulnerable? Figure it out, that was my job and it was mind-blowingly frustrating most days. But I had enough experience with “the system” to realize getting all bent out of shape wasn’t the answer. One battle at a time. Take a small victory when you can.

Chime. Sierra texted all day, every day without fail. About everything and nothing.

Babe’s hungry today

Might gross myself out and

order the enchilada XL!

She was text obsessed even before she quit her high-powered job as an ad exec last spring to live the life of a main-line brat. Funny that she called herself that because, for one, she lived in the heart of Center City, not the main line, and two, she clocked close to forty-five hours a week fundraising for various children’s charities. Sierra was no stranger to working hard, she just failed to understand that not everyone could pause what they were doing to text streams of consciousness. She had to wait.

I ignored my non-stop chiming cell and finished my torturous phone calls before grabbing a quick lunch with my friend Kate from the recovery room. I even squeezed in an afternoon pit stop to drop off the scones with my security buddies, a weekly tradition we shared. It was five o’clock before I knew it, and I was back at the fifth floor nurses’ station—this time waiting for evening rounds. It was a little like Groundhog’s Day.

Whatever, in less than an hour there’d be a well-deserved kickass margarita in my hand. Mmm. First day down, and the rumble was quiescent. Until next month at least.

So far, only the new intern Sam waited, and Leanne mercilessly teased the poor guy. Jackson already left for the day, because PAs rarely stayed to round. Not sure why that was kosher, but it was pretty well established and no one questioned it.

I had a minute, so I finally took out my phone and texted Sierra back.

About to round. Should be there by 6.

Kate coming 2-boyfriend being sketchy asshat.

Needs a pick me up. C U soon.

The phone chimed back instantaneously. The girl had a problem.

Cool :)

How did it go today?

Busy, but fine.

Freak- u gave yourself the shits for nothing. LOL

Hate u!! C u soon

I shook my head and dropped the phone down. Leanne was still on a roll. Poor Sam. She was ruthless.

“Lili, did you hear Dr. Petit made his grand OR entrance today? He was lucky enough to get called down to be an errand boy for Colton, and he full on knocked over the tray of sterile instruments. Classic! What I would have given to be a fly on that wall. I heard Colton was so pissed he couldn’t even speak.” She barely contained her laughter.

Leanne definitely knew how to twist the knife. She argued she did the interns a favor. Toughened them up. Not sure anyone else saw it that way.

Sam crossed his arms across his chest and shifted his weight side to side in defeat. Through his retro thick-rimmed glasses, he looked over at me. “Yeah, It was pretty fucking bad. Not one of my finer moments. Colton thinks I’m a total dipshit. But hey—at least I gave Leanne something to laugh about ... all fucking day.” He shot Leanne a playful I-hate-you look and quietly chuckled at himself. He took it well. Really well.

I liked him. Sam Petit was going to do just fine. I caught him unconsciously twirling his shiny gold wedding band with his thumb all day and it made me like him even more. He reminded me of that super smart, slightly overweight guy in high school that everyone loved but wondered how he landed the gorgeous girl who always had the lead in the play. But once you really got to know him, you realized she was the lucky one. He was loyal and trusting to a fault. A good egg, as my dad said. At least that was my gut impression, and I was starting to trust in that again.

Leanne stopped laughing and motioned her head toward the hall behind me at the same time I heard Guy’s voice. I wanted rounds over so I could be done with this day. I was exhausted, and more importantly, there was a cocktail waiting with my name on it.

I grabbed my tablet and pivoted on my heel to come face to face with a presence that sent a sudden shiver down my spine. Storm cloud grey eyes locked with mine and cut me like glass. It was hard to tell if it was deliberation or anger, but his intensity startled me. My breath hitched and I took a step back. The small amount of extra space allowed the face possessing those eyes to come into focus. Strong jaw. Sharp nose. Razored cheekbones. Chiseled. Every defined line brought focus right back to those eyes. His bronze skin looked a shade darker than his five o’clock shadow, while dark chocolate hair hung unruly over a faint linear indentation across his forehead. Evidence of the surgical cap he wore all day. This man was intimidating beyond belief. Everything about him screamed hard. And his eyes had not wavered from mine.

A flush warmed my face. The pulses in my neck and wrists bounded. Were you supposed to feel your pulses? I was never so physically affected by the sight of someone, and not from fear. I needed a pause to break his gaze before everyone around me realized how completely overwhelmed I was. But I was paralyzed. Please god, somebody needed to say something. The nape of my neck dampened with sweat. His eyes were still locked with mine. Guy’s voice answered my prayer and my temporary paralysis ended.

“Hey doll.”

My head snapped toward Guy, who was standing close to him? Who ... oh please ... you had to be fucking kidding me. This … this was my luck?

“Nice of you to grace us with your presence, Ms. Porter.” His voice was gravelly and stern. I turned back to address him and his eyes captured mine. Again.

“Um ... you must be Dr. Colton. It’s, um, nice to meet you.”

The team was dead silent and the tension was palpable. This man commanded respect.

“First, it’s Chase. Second. I take it you got your pager fixed.”

Zero humor. Point made. This was humiliating.

“Um. Yes, it’s all good now.” Shoot me.

“Perfect.” He finally severed our stare to focus on Sam and Guy, the rest of his team. “From now on we all round at six and six. Got it?” It wasn’t a question.

Guy and Sam silently nodded like obedient soldiers, while I involuntarily studied the rest of this captivating man. Chase hovered a good three inches over Guy, who was pretty tall. Making him really tall, and even more intimidating. Already changed out of scrubs, he was dressed in dark charcoal slacks that hung low from his hips. Topped with a crisp white and grey pinstripe dress shirt that gently hugged his broad chest and gloved his taut arms perfectly. No tie. His top two buttons were undone, leaving a window to a ridiculously chiseled collarbone and a smooth sun-kissed chest. There was no hiding his muscular physique, even fully clothed. If I encountered him alone in a dark alley, there was no doubt panic would set in. But here, in this setting, he was ... hot.

“Good. Let’s move,” Chase barked.

He removed his right hand from his pocket and gestured the team to move forward. The entire time, his eyes never wavered at all, like he owned my exclusive viewing rights. Then without hesitation his other hand found the small of my back, raising my core temperature by ten degrees on contact. It was going to take an early June ocean wave to cool me down. The action was completely unexpected and too intimate for my malfunctioning self-control. And Sierra was worried about my libido ... hell, I was worried about my libido.

This bordered on humiliation. Sam and Guy were already halfway down the hall when my legs remembered how to move. The heat from Chase’s hand lingered on my lower back as we caught up to them. I was completely disarmed by my reaction to this man. My body totally betrayed me, like a star-struck moron who couldn’t remove her eyes from her idol.

This was the part of the movie where you pushed stop or fast-forward, because it was just that embarrassing it made your stomach hurt. Pull. It. Together. There was only one possible explanation: I was having a full-out stroke. What was that term? Cerebral vascular accident. Yep, that had to be it. Either a huge blood clot or a popped vessel spewing blood in my brain caused this sudden hormonal explosion. Good thing my new hot boss was a brain surgeon. Crap. This man was my boss! At least for the next four weeks.

I finally snapped out of my stroke-like state when we stopped in front of the first patient’s room. Guy and Sam both looked tired but focused, all business. Chase nodded, giving the green light to go in.

We semi-circled Kelly Peterson’s hospital bed, Guy on my right and Chase on my left. My libido, which was extinguished three years ago, was just doused with high-octane gasoline without a fire extinguisher in sight.

Suddenly, I was all too aware of my clothes sticking to my body. This was a sick joke. Shouldn’t my early morning irritable bowel have caused dehydration? No such luck. There was even a sheen of sweat in my cleavage. The hospital thermostat never wavered past sixty-eight degrees, but I felt like I was stuck at the beach, mid-August, wearing black ski thermals. I was a hot mess. This man, who I had never laid eyes on until ten minutes ago, and who spoke a total of maybe twenty words to me, completely rattled my core and managed to awaken every hormone in my body with one look.

Kelly struggled to lift her frail body up in the bed to greet us. She softly smiled, recognizing me from my earlier visit. Thankfully, her brave facade pulled me from my internal inferno and reminded me why I was here. This was the only real social-work-like part of my job, and she needed my support. My issue needed to wait.

It was not my place to speak first, so I returned her smile and gave her a ‘hey-you, you-can-do this’ little wave. Being in and out of the hospital enough times in the past few months, she knew the drill. Evening rounds were the attendings’ show, intended for teaching, but it usually turned out to be an ego-stroking session. Where morning rounds were typically the senior resident’s understudy performance of the evening before. Bottom line: it was two hours I wouldn’t mind skipping on a Monday to Friday basis.

Suddenly, Chase’s “six and six” comment rang back in my ears. Fan-freakin-tastic. He obviously wasn’t feeling the once a day rounding idea. This hormonal mutiny needed some control if I was going to see this man twice a day.

Chase stepped up to Kelly’s sterile white bed with his strong right hand outstretched. “Mrs. Peterson. I’m Dr. Chase Colton. I apologize for not getting down here sooner to introduce myself. I was in the operating room all day, not that it’s an excuse.”

Chase shook her hand then enveloped their joined hands. His intensity slowly started to soften, replaced by pliability, or a softness. If I didn’t know any better, I would believe it was true compassion.

“Thank you. I do appreciate that. So … are ... are you as brilliant as they say, or should I be wor-worried?” she said quietly, trying to hide the quiver in her voice.

A knot tightened in my throat. I couldn’t imagine how terrified she must be. I knew how scared I was when I had surgery, and it paled in comparison to brain surgery.

Surgeons were usually very casual when they spoke of procedures; after all, it was old hat to them. I was surprised when Chase steadied their joined hands and squatted, knees resting on his thighs, to be eye level with his patient. I couldn’t recall seeing any of the other doctors do that before or anything so ... personal. All of a sudden he was a little less intimidating, a touch softer, more human. The sharpness faded even more when he parted his lips. His smile was breathtaking, not to mention sincere.

“We’ve got this. You need to trust my team. I’ll let you know if we get to the point of being worried. As of right now, I’m not worried. Okay?” His face and body language spoke novels. He wasn’t just telling her what she wanted to hear or singing his own praises. There was no arrogance, just an unmistakable confidence in his voice. A sincere resolve.

Calm washed over Kelly while she listened to Chase. How was this the same man who intimidated the shit out of me five minutes ago with his intensity? But now I was awestruck. Poor Kelly was getting her skull cracked open tomorrow, a concept I couldn’t even begin to fathom, but suddenly my fear for her lessened.

Chase dropped her hand, stood back up and spent the next five minutes or so answering Kelly’s questions and reviewing details of tomorrow’s procedure. Slowly and clearly, in English. Even I got the gist of what she was up against. It sounded horrible and unfair. No one should have to face this. Words like tumor, margins and consciousness permeated through the internal static playing in my ears, trying to drown out the harsh reality of this woman’s condition. My heart broke a little more for Kelly.

“Try and get some rest. We have a five-hour date tomorrow afternoon,” Chase said before walking out the door.

Kelly smiled, a real smile for the first time in probably a long time.

Like obedient soldiers we followed Chase out of the room. In a familiar team play, the four of us huddled close to review her case before moving on to the next patient. His scent permeated my senses, and I was entirely too aware of his close proximity. After a twelve-hour day operating under layers of sterile gowns and masks, he still smelled good. Not like cologne, but a mix of clean sweat and whatever body wash he used that morning. It should be bottled; it was intoxicating. All man. All this man.

“Ahem.” Chase forced his throat clear, demanding attention.

It broke my trance and pulled Sam and Guy’s focus from their e-tablets. His hands were snaked back into his trousers, displaying the broadness of his shoulders. He was glaring right at me. Intense eyes were back. If I didn’t know any better, his eyes told a story as screwed up as my own. Was this the same man from two seconds ago? If so, I liked Dr. Compassionate a little more.

Another hot flash detonated. If it wasn’t a stroke it was early menopause. Maybe three years of self-induced hormonal shut down backfired and left me even more screwed up.

“I want repeat labs in the morning and all her scans uploaded in the OR before I get there. This goes off without a hitch. Got me?” he barked.

Guy took the hit for the team. “No problem.”

Silence. More silence. I didn’t have to look up to know I was in his crosshairs. Welcome back, nervous stomach. I needed a margarita, like right freaking now.

“Ms. Porter. Do you want to add anything?” His storm greys traveled down the entire length of my body, only to slowly rebound back up to my own eyes. Our close huddle was getting too claustrophobic.

“Umm. No, she’s all good from my end. Her insurance coverage gives her five days in-patient and she should be eligible for rehab too.” I pulled that answer out of my ass.

“Good to know.” More silence. Was he checking me out? Because his eyes nailed me to the wall. No, that’s crazy talk. “Who’s next?” he asked.

Guy answered while pressing his hand to the small of my back. “We’re done on five. Rest of the patients are up on the sixth floor. Let’s go.” Without delay, we joined Sam at the stairwell.

“Fine. Let’s move.” Chase snapped, sounding pissed for some reason. He snaked his hand from his pocket and raked it through his already disheveled hair while gazing down at my legs. His expression was one of annoyance. Was he pissed at me? What the hell did I do?

“And Ms. Porter ... you might want to rethink your shoes, I don’t want to be here all night.” He pushed through the steel door and took two steps at a time.

Mortifying. What was wrong with the freaking elevator?

3

Rosa's

“Hey, what took you so long?” Sierra stood with her adorably popped belly to wave me over to where she and Kate were sitting. After the most humiliating forty-five minutes of my life, I was beyond ready for a margarita. Make that a pitcher of margaritas. Intravenous tequila infusion sounded even better.

“Hey girls. Sorry I’m late. Rounds were-” No appropriate description came to mind, so I abandoned the thought mid-sentence. I gave them each a quick peck on the cheek, while simultaneously lifting Kate’s half empty margarita glass off the table. The waiter in the distance waved. He got the point. That’s right, I needed a glass. STAT.

“No problem, we just got here. Sit. So dish. How’d it go?” Sierra had zero patience. Straight to the point. Always.

Luckily Miracle Waiter appeared with a clean glass in record time. I poured myself a generous sized glass of golden yummy from the pitcher sitting on our table.

“Cheers.” I clanged Kate’s glass and Sierra’s seltzer-filled wine glass. The glass made her feel like she wasn’t missing out or so she said. Then I downed my liquid gold. I definitely needed that.

“So, Kate was just catching me up on CJ,” Sierra said, while opening the menu.

I was so engrossed in my own hormonal drama I almost forgot everything Kate had shared about her relationship earlier that day at lunch. Wasn’t I friend of the year?

Kate worked in the recovery room, and we quickly became friends after I was reassigned to all the surgery services. Sierra took an instant liking to her as well. It was impossible not to, Kate was a doll.

Sufficiently numb with two doses of my good friend liquid courage, I was able to block my day and focus on Kate and her on-again-off-again loser boyfriend. I tried not to be judgmental when it came to other people’s relationships and their choices, since I made more than my share of monumentally poor choices. But CJ and the way he treated Kate tested my resolve.

“I know what you both think, you don’t have to say it ... I deserve better. In my head I get it. But the rest of me doesn’t. Some days he is beyond amazing and sweet and totally present in the moment. Like I’m his everything. But then, out of nowhere, he flips and becomes a complete stranger who couldn’t care less if I jumped off a bridge. We go months with things being dreamy. Then out of nowhere, he’s picking a fight over the stupidest crap. Excuse my language. But it’s as if he wakes up and decides he hates my guts that day. I’m so confused. I really thought he was the one. I want him to be the one.” Kate rubbed her temples like she was fighting off a migraine while her real struggle was fighting back tears.

Sierra and I exchanged a quiet glance and knew it was time to change the subject. Nothing we might say was going to change her mind. Not tonight. She wasn’t there yet. All my social work training taught me that she had to come to certain realizations on her own. On her own time. I couldn’t press fast-forward on her life story any more than I could press rewind on my own.

Kate had been complaining about her mysterious boyfriend CJ’s bipolar antics since we became friends. Saying she could do better was an understatement.

Kate was a real life Joey Potter who deserved her Dawson. She used the word dreamy, for god’s sake. Instead she wound up with a certifiable douchebag. A complete letdown in every sense, he couldn’t even find the time to meet her friends. Not that we minded.

He was always too busy or too tired. They supposedly met in the hospital, and she hinted that it was a source of embarrassment for him. Grow up. Get over it—everyone gets sick. Sierra and I had our own theory. This CJ guy was either truly bipolar or cheating on her. My money was on the latter.

“Fuck him. That’s what I say. Fuck him! Now let’s drink!” Sierra excelled at changing the subject.

Kate’s lips parted into a small grin and let out a quiet chuckle. She managed to blink away the tears. Then Kate and I did as we were told. We drank.

Two pitchers of margaritas later and entirely too much information about vaginal discharge in pregnancy, a very sober Sierra was a good distraction. Kate forgot she was settling for an asshole, and I only thought about Dr. Intensity a dozen or so times over the two hours. I couldn’t wrap my head around why I allowed this man to have such an effect on me.

In between Sierra’s rendition of Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy, my mind kept skipping back to everything Chase Colton. That voice. That face. That body. That freaking body. That was not the body of a surgeon. You didn’t get to look like a Greek god from hours of holding a scalpel. I couldn’t picture him spending all his free time at the gym. He seemed a lot of things, but vain was not one of them.

After a total of one hour in his company, I knew nothing more than he was an early riser and could be seriously intimidating. But there was no denying I saw a glimpse of a soft side when he spoke to Kelly.

And then there were those eyes. Those damn eyes. Two flecks of muted silver crystal that leveled me to the ground. But they were clouded by something—a heaviness, a darkness. I was drawn to the story behind those eyes. His stare was mesmerizing. I envisioned that body on top of me, gazing down at me with that intensity, touching me. Could those hands heal me?

My stomach was on fire and it was not the nachos. It was as if my extinguished pilot was just re-lit, and there was no thermostat to control my furnace. I shifted in my chair and drained the water glass in front of me. It drowned nothing. This man was under my skin.

I was a million miles away when Sierra dropped her fork in victory, rubbing her even more popped belly. Impressive. Polishing off a Rosa’s enchilada was no small feat.

“Yum-my. Oh gosh. Lil—I can’t believe we forgot to ask. How was your day?” Sierra turned and looked at me sheepishly.

Hmm … what was there to say? Oh just fabulous. They spoke Sanskrit and it was depressing as all hell. Everyone had brain tumors. Not to mention my new attending was hot as balls and I hadn’t stopped thinking about him touching me in unspeakable ways the entire time we’d been here. And let’s not forget, I made a complete ass out of myself in front of the team and was in dire need of a CVS pit stop. If my libido’s reaction to this man today was any indication, I needed to stock up on pantiliners. A month’s supply.

Without giving me a second to answer, Sierra finished. “So was I right about the new guy—big dick?”

Lord help me. This was going to be a very long month.

4

Blue scrubs

Latte questionably in hand, I stepped off the elevator on the fifth floor. Silently praying the rumble would stay quiescent, I took a sip and admired my cute fuchsia ballet flats, a welcoming back-of-the-closet surprise. I’m sure something my personal shopper insisted I buy. Luckily Sierra had a knack for the designer goods at pauper prices. There was no way in hell I could spend another day running up and down the stairs in heels.

Ten minutes early, I decided to visit my new favorite patient in room 508.

“Hi, all.”

The girls at the nurses’ station returned my wave as I headed for Kelly Peterson’s room.

“Good Morning, Mrs. Peterson, hope I’m not waking you.” I gave the slightly ajar door a little push as I stepped inside. She looked up from her iPad and smiled. “How you feeling today?”

“Hi Lili, happy you stopped by. A bit of a rough night though.” She repositioned herself in the bed and closed her iPad. “After Dr. Colton explained the surgery to me last night I’ve literally been a wreck. Two in the morning rolled around and I totally freaked. Everything is so much worse at night, right?” She reached up and ran her hand through her blonde curls.

“Really, Mrs. Peterson … you should’ve called me, the nurses know how to reach me. Please don’t hesitate, that’s why I’m here.” I approached her bed.

“No more Mrs. Peterson crap, please call me Kelly.” She half smiled. “And you don’t need to be ruining a perfectly good evening with my drama. You’re way too young, super sweet and adorable to be hanging out with me.”

I frowned and shook my head while she found herself funny. “Thank you, but so not true. Now, seriously I’m a phone call away.” If she only knew what a non-life I really had.

She tipped her head back and rested against the pillow.

“You okay?” I asked.

She curled her knees up to her chest. “I’m so scared. All I want to do is screw the surgery and go home to my babies.” I sat on the edge of her bed and squeezed her hand. “Can you believe he’s gonna drill my head open? That’s insane, right? Then he’s gonna wake me up in the middle of the whole thing to check my speech. What ... what if I don’t wake up?” Her voice cracked, but that’s not what got to me. The strength she used to hold back her pool of tears killed me. I squeezed her hand a little tighter, blinking back my own tears.

“Oh sweetie, you can’t think like that. You’re going to do so well, I know it. You’re freaked and that’s totally understandable. I’d be too, hell, who wouldn’t be? But Dr. Colton is the best of the best. I’m not just saying that. He was recruited to be Chief of the department. That doesn’t just happen. Do you know what I mean? You have to be special, really special—you have to be amazing.” Her lips curled slightly and she dragged a finger under her eyes. I handed her a tissue from her night table. “You know people fly in from all over the country, actually all over the world to have him operate on them? You’re in good hands.” She dabbed the last of her tears with the tissue. “And besides, you have to be strong for not only yourself but your hunky husband and two gorgeous children. They need you.”

Her family photo sat on her side table, so I grabbed it and smiled. Must be so nice to be loved, something I was not that familiar with. Of course my father loved me and my friends loved me, but I was missing my family photo.

She removed her legs from her chest and propped herself up on the pillows. “You’re right, I have to be strong. Tim’s at home juggling two jobs and two nutty twin three-year-olds.”

I took a closer look at her photo. “Oh my goodness, they’re twins. I can’t believe it. One’s so blonde and one’s so dark … hmmm, just like Mommy and Daddy. They’re precious, Kelly. You must really have your hands full, huh?” She perked up a bit and sighed. “I know you must miss them so much. Don’t worry … we’re going to do everything in our power to get you recovered and home quickly.” I glanced up, making eye contact with two very mesmerizing grey ones. Chase was just outside the door, hidden from Kelly’s view, eavesdropping. My nervous stomach was back.

“Am I interrupting?” His eyes bounced back and forth from mine to Kelly.

Shit. Starting morning number two off on the wrong foot, too.

“How are you feeling this morning, Mrs. Peterson?” Chase strolled into the room with Guy and Sam on his heels.

“Headache’s still there and didn’t sleep much. My nerves in the middle of the night were relentless. But,” Kelly motioned to me and smiled softly, “Lili knows exactly what to say to make you feel better. I’d keep her around if I were you.”

“Oh, I definitely plan on it, thank you. I appreciate hearing kind words about my team.”

What the hell did that mean?

“Now let’s get you better, you have a family to get home to. We discussed the logistics last night. Do you have any more questions?” He sat at the edge of her bed.

“How long will the surgery be? I want to give my husband a call so he knows when to expect me to be finished. Unfortunately, he can’t be here when I go in. He has to pick the twins up from nursery school.”

“You have twins?” He bowed his head and kicked at something on the floor.

“Oh, she certainly does and they’re absolutely adorable.” I handed Chase the photo that was still in my hand.

He stared at the children, and after several long seconds he finally commented. “They’re gorgeous. You’re lucky to have them, Kelly.”

“Thank you.”

Chase handed back her picture and turned his attention to the residents lingering at the end of the bed. “Dr. Hunter, take Mrs. Peterson through the logistics of what to expect again.” Then he abruptly rose from the bed.

The whole time, his eyes remained glazed and distant and aimed directly for the door. I hadn’t known the man long, but his expression was one I’d never seen.

“Dr. Colton, before you leave?” Kelly snapped him out of his hollow stare. She seemed to notice his change in demeanor as well.

“Yes?”

“I need to wake up for my babies.” One of her pooled tears strayed and her voice wavered.

“You’re at an amazing hospital, Kelly. I have a stellar team. You’re in the best hands possible. I’ll find your husband when I’m through. See you in there.” He gave her a small smile, turned and walked out the door. The mood in the room definitely shifted.

“So, let’s see…” Guy quickly averted the attention off Dr. Colton’s odd behavior and began to finish Kelly’s questions. “It usually takes about five-six hours and you should be resting comfortably in the recovery room right around seven.”

I waited for Guy to finish rambling then retreated to the hallway. Dr. Colton’s eyes immediately found mine as he stood, back against the wall, and his hands snaked in his pockets, waiting.

I shifted my gaze to my tablet and started screwing around. Anything to avoid the awkward tension mounting.

“I want you there,” he snapped.

“What, where?” I glanced up from my tablet, hoping he wasn’t really talking to me. I was never around someone who fluctuated moods as fast as a puck traveled across the ice.

“In the OR.” His eyes reconnected with mine, leaving me to question what he was asking.

“The OR?”

“Yes, Ms. Porter, the OR.” His tone was short. I was silent. His request completely baffled me. Why would he want me in the OR? “You with me?” He pulled his hands from his pockets and crossed them over his chest.

Did I have a choice? “Um … um ... do I have a choice?” Yep, I said it out loud. Shit.

“You don’t,” he growled. “Kelly needs you there, I need you, so I want you in the OR, period. You with me?” He never blinked, not once. His intensity was insane.

He needed me? “Um ... um ... okay.” I muttered before I heard Guy at my back whispering, “What’s going on?”

“Good.” Chase turned to Sam who was tapping away on his tablet, completely oblivious to our conversation. “Dr. Petit, get her scrubs, show her where she needs to go, don’t leave her alone anywhere until I get there. You hear me?”

“Yeah ... sure...” Sam looked totally caught off guard.

“Colton, you think this is a good idea?” Guy came to my rescue. “I mean—I don’t think case managers are allowed in the operating room. I’ve been here three years and I’ve never seen one in there before. What if she touches something or-”

Chase’s bark cut him off mid-sentence. “Hunter, I don’t care whether she’s allowed to be in there or not. I want her in there. Make it happen.”

Damn. Bad call on the latte this morning. The rumble below was back.

“Why would he do this to me?” I sighed and swiveled my chair around to face Leanne typing at the nurses’ station.

“Listen, have you seen that man? He can notch my bedpost.” Her hand twirled a strand of her long blonde hair.

“Shhh. What’s wrong with you? Can we have one conversation that doesn’t involve men and sex?”

She shimmied her shoulders. “Why? That’s no fun.”

“Really.” I grimaced. “Why am I wasting my time talking to you right now?”

“Come on, Lil, listen, you need to look on the bright side. You have a smokin’ hot brain surgeon to stare at for seven hours, that opportunity doesn’t shine its pretty head very often, no pun intended.” She giggled. “Take advantage, and have a sense of humor.”

I looked away annoyed. “I do have a sense of humor, when it’s funny! Whatever…”

“Whatever, what?” Jackson appeared out of nowhere.

“Hey Jack.” Leanne grinned and I might have been mistaken, but she looked like she batted her eyelashes. “Haven’t seen you around lately, you should visit more often.” Leanne was the female version of Guy; she had no problem flirting with all things male.

“What’s up, Lee? Yeah, sorry I really do need to make it up here more often.” He winked. Pretty sure Jack notched her bedpost. His gorgeous mulatto skin, built body and glistening smile were a sight most females couldn’t ignore.

“So, heard you’re in the OR with me today, Lil.” Making himself comfortable, he rested his forearms on the counter in front of me.

“Didn’t you just get here, Jack? How on earth do you know that already?” I pouted and sat back in my chair, crossing my arms against my chest.

He snickered. Somehow PAs didn’t have to round at the butt crack like the rest of us. Like ever. I definitely picked the wrong profession.

“Porter, that’s good gossip. Colton wants you in the OR ... it’s probably on Facebook by now.” He laughed.

“You think that’s funny ... what the hell am I gonna do in the OR?”

“Don’t touch shit for one. Wouldn’t want ya infecting the sterile field.” He chuckled again.

“Glad you find this funny. Is this some kind of sick joke? I can just picture myself throwing up, or better yet passing out,” I moaned, shaking my head in defeat. “Anyway, why are you scrubbing? Thought the case was Guy’s.”

“Yeah, well it’s mine, and Guy is pissed. You think I’d miss my favorite case? Colton rocks a left frontal lobectomy. We’ll wake her up mid-surgery and get her to talk to us ... it’s awesome.”

“Awesome? Do you hear yourself, her brain’s gonna be wide open while she’s talking … that’s insane!”

“Kiddo, you just wait, it’s going to blow your mind.”

“Yeah, literally—my head might just explode.”

Jackson laughed out loud. “Dramatic much? You’ll be fine.” He looked at his watch. “I gotta run. See ya in there.” He opened the steel door to the stairs and was gone.

I cinched my eyes shut and rested my head in my hands. “Lee, save me!” I whined.

“I’ll save you, babe. I’d gladly switch places with you in a heartbeat.” She stopped typing and leaned in a little closer. “I wish he made all those googly eyes at me. I’m even wearing a smaller scrub top so the girls look perkier.” She grabbed her boobs and gave them a lift, squeezing her cleavage through the small V-neck hole.

“You’re a nut, I just met the man last night. What the hell does that even mean?”

“You’re kidding me, please tell me you’re not that naive.”

“Lee, quit the BS!”

“Oh really, that hot scorching surgeon can’t take his smokin’ eyes off you. Hunter better keep his paws to himself or it’s gonna get ugly.”

“Huh? What are you even talking about? Do you ever listen to yourself?” She was crazy. “That’s it, you’re officially crazy. Is this what you do—sit behind the nurses’ station and analyze our every move?” I pushed up from my chair and rounded the counter. “You’ve got some imagination ... and Guy, really, he flirts with everyone. He watches you wiggle your ass every time you walk away, for god’s sake.”

“You’re missing the point.” She got right in my face, her voice sassy as all hell. “This isn’t about Guy. It doesn’t take a freakin’ brain surgeon to figure out what a certain neurosurgeon is thinking. He wants you!” She pointed her finger right at my chest.

I covered my face with my hands, speechless, as the blush crept up my cheeks. He doesn’t even know me, why on earth would he want me?

“Lili,” Sam snapped.

I jerked out of my daze.

“What?” I clipped, completely flustered.

“Did you just hear what I said?” He leaned on the counter right next to me.

“Sorry, Sam, what?”

“I said, I found you some blue scrubs. Here, take the damn things. It’s not my fault you have to go to the OR. I’ve got work to do. No time for this.”

I grabbed the scrubs and shoved them under my arm. Sam was definitely annoyed and probably overwhelmed with the demands of being a new intern.

“Thanks. I’m going to change. I need to get off this floor.”

“She’s flipping out about a bunch of things today,” Leanne chimed in.

I looked over my shoulder and gave her a dirty look before storming toward the elevator.

“Page me when you’re done and I’ll meet you by the OR,” Sam yelled as the elevator doors closed.

Sam stood with me in the long sun-filled hallway outside the operating room suites. It had the most beautiful view of the Schuylkill River. If you had to go under the knife, at least your last sight was serene. God, that was morbid.

“He told us to meet him here. You stay put, I don’t want him pissed because I lost you. I’m gonna run inside and grab you a hat, mask and some shoe booties.”

“Thanks. Hey listen, I’m sorry I snapped earlier. This OR nonsense is definitely not by choice.”

Sam shook his head and pushed through the swinging door toward the scrub sink. I was actually going into an OR. It was insane. I never wanted to be a doctor, nurse, PA ... nothing involving blood and guts. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my cell.

U r never gonna believe this…

About to go into new chief’s OR

Gotta sit w a patient during surgery

I’m freakin out

“Oh good, I caught you.”

I popped my cell back in my pocket and turned to see Guy heading down the hall. He slapped me on the back and gave me a wink.

“Blue looks great on you, doll.”

I blushed. “Thanks.”

He sort of always knew how to make me feel better.

“So here’s the deal if you don’t throw up or pass out ... we’re gonna celebrate tonight, my treat.” He smiled and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me in for a hug.

“You two look cozy.” Sam chuckled, pushing through the swinging door with my crap.

“Whatever, Petit, give me that shit.” Guy grabbed the hat, mask and booties from Sam’s hand. Really, shoe booties?

“Am I interrupting something?” Chase growled.

No joke, he growled. My heart leaped into my throat. The sound of his voice did something crazy to my insides.

“Just getting her ready,” Sam interjected.

My pocket vibrated with a new text. I spun around to face Chase standing directly behind me, totally invading my personal space. I inhaled a sharp breath and my heart rate doubled again. I resisted taking a step back. The distraction of his faded blue scrubs hugging so many of the right places glued me to the floor. With his white lab coat missing, this man standing in front of me was truly a sexy chiseled masterpiece. My nipples peaked and everything lower clenched. This reaction was foreign to me. Nothing in my lower regions ever clenched. Period.

His piercing gaze scanned my body and oozed intensity. “Blue scrubs, really, Sam?” He was angry. “Get her another fucking color now, any color but blue.”

Sam and Guy stood motionless with puzzled faces. I was just as confused as they were. No, actually more.

“I said another color now, Hunter, make this happen.”

Looking startled, both residents turned and quickly walked away with not a word.

Embarrassed and aroused was not a good combo. The heat between my legs was slowly rising to my cheeks. I started to ramble, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I should have known—blue is totally a doctor color. I should have never put these on, I’ll go change...”

He put his pointer finger to his lips then motioned me to follow him through the first set of swinging doors. “Come.”

I followed, unable to resist his magnetic pull. He grabbed a blue cap from the shelf on top of the scrub sink and tied it around the back of his head. The veins in his forearms sliced through his defined muscles. It was sexy as hell. Then he grabbed his mask and pinched it at the bridge of his nose. He proceeded to reach up and tie one set of strings at the top of his head and the other set at the base of his neck. My eyes fixated on the tiny strip of skin peeking out from under the bottom edge of his scrub top. The tease of rock hard abs and bits of dark brown hair trickling below his waistband was enough to almost put me over the edge.

“Did you eat?” He washed his hands and arms with a scrub brush. I didn’t reply. He turned to face me, his dripping wet arms held high in the air. Only his damn eyes exposed. How was it possible to be that hot in a pair of scrubs? “Lili, did you eat anything today?”

“Yeah.” Did coffee count? “I’m good, thanks,” I lied. Like hell I ate.

“I’ll feed you later.” He shook his head, turned and bumped the swinging door with his ass disappearing into the operating room.

“Huh?” I looked down at my blue scrubs as Sam barreled into the tiny scrub sink room with another pair of scrubs in hand.

“There you are, here, go change before he goes postal on my ass.”

“Thanks.” I needed a pause. A big one. In record time I made it to the locker room, changed into the new pair of scrubs and splashed cold water on my face, hoping to refocus. Did he say he was going to feed me? I pulled out my phone. Sierra was good at distraction, and I knew there would be a text waiting.

So rumors were right huh?

He’s a dick.

A dick, yes. A jumpstart to my libido, yes. Together not a good combination. I silenced my ringer, dropped my cell back in my pocket and headed toward the OR. Staring down the empty long hallway I wondered what the hell I was doing on about a million different levels.

Guy rounded the corner and jogged toward me, interrupting the tailspin going on in my head. “I needed to see it for myself. Sam wasn’t lying when he said they were shit brown.” He laughed. “I would have paid to see you in there. I’m jealous of Jackson.” He bumped my hip, but this time I was ready for him. Also helped that I was in flats. Holy hell. Fuchsia ballet flats with shit brown scrubs ... just lovely. It just kept getting better.

“Oh shut it, Guy, not helping!”

He chuckled. “You always look great, show them who’s boss, remember our deal ... just no puking or passing out.” He placed the bouffant blue hat on my head, securing my hair inside. He really was so sweet.

“Thanks, Guy.”

“Now go before he gives you shit for being late, seems something crawled up his ass and died today.” He pushed me toward the door. “Wait, Lil, your mask.”

I so didn’t belong here.

“Don’t give me that look. Turn around.” He tied my mask at the top of my head and at the base of my neck.

“I can’t breathe.”

“Yes you can, pinch the mask at your nose, go get ‘em, doll!” He slapped my ass and pushed me through the swinging doors. It was too late to protest. I was staring at a sea of blue, and I was the only one looking like shit.

After the case, Chase followed me into the little scrub sink room, tore his mask from his face and ripped his cap from his head. “Lili, go change and meet me in the lobby. And don’t get lost in the recovery room.”

Really. After seven hours of pure adrenaline, I was exhausted and just wanted to go home. “Um, okay.”

“And don’t worry about Mrs. Peterson. I have her heavily sedated for tonight, you can see her in the morning.”

How did he know that’s where I was headed?

Jackson popped his head into the tiny room. “Kiddo, you rocked it! You were a pro, you totally kept her calm.” He squeezed my arm.

“Thanks, Jack, appreciate it. The talking definitely lowered both our anxiety levels.” I smiled, remembering our conversation. Kelly relived their last beach vacation and gushed about how adorable her toddler twins were splashing in the water and playing in the sand. A memory I could only wish for.

“Totally.” Jack smiled and looked over at Chase. “Brilliant, man, sick job in there, great call having Lili sit for the case.”

Chase half smiled. At least he took a compliment gracefully.

“Lil, I’ll catch you later, I’m gonna take her to the recovery room and write her orders.”

“Jack, I’ll take her down to recovery, you just write her orders. Don’t be cheap with the pain meds either, I want her comfortable.”

Jackson looked confused; maybe attendings didn’t usually roll the patient to recovery. What did I know?

“Lili, I’m going to get her situated and find her husband. Meet me in the lobby.” His gaze locked with mine as he waited. “Yes?”

I just wanted to change and go home, but “yeah, fine” came out of my mouth.

He kept staring until I couldn’t take the awkwardness any more and looked down. Crap, these tan scrubs were freaking hideous.

5

Sake

“Found Mr. Peterson,” Chase said as he strolled through the very posh lobby of Philadelphia Hospital. Could have saved hospital money, leather wasn’t really necessary.

“Oh good. I know he was really worried.” I knew I was.

“Yeah, he was relieved the whole thing’s over.”

“They’re nice people. Kelly’s so sweet. She’s looking forward to getting home to her twins. They must miss her like crazy. She really seems like such a wonderful mama.”

“Mama?”

“Yeah, that’s what her twins call her. It’s cute, right?”

He looked at me so strange, I guessed he didn’t find it cute. Okay...

“By the way, the OR was awesome and such a rush. I can’t believe you get to do that every day. I was in awe when anesthesia woke her up, and you operated while I was talking to her…”

“I know, I know-” He interrupted my rant. “You ready? I’m starving.” His gaze was unnerving. He motioned for the exit with one hand, while his fingertips from the other brushed my lower back. My temperature spiked. Fresh air was going to be good.

“Hey doll, wait up.” Guy jetted toward us. Thank god for the pause. “Heard you rocked the OR ... bummed Jackson scrubbed, would’ve loved to have seen you in there. Anyway, just saw Kate, said Mrs. Peterson’s awake now and was so happy you were there with her.” He gave me a huge smile, flashing his adorable dimple. “I’m so proud of you.”

“Thanks. I can see you had a lot of confidence in me,” I said, oozing sarcasm.

He grinned and held up his hand to give me a high five. “Come on, let’s go celebrate.”

“You’re so silly sometimes, really a high five—what are we ten?” I slapped his hand and he pulled me in for a quick kiss on the cheek.

“Oh you love it!” he teased.

“Hunter, you’re not done here.” Seems our sweet exchange was interrupted by a glaring Chase. One arm remained firmly crossed against his chest, while the other raked through his hair. He blew a sharp breath through his nose. “Sam needs help with the new admission. And are all my cases ready for tomorrow? I don’t want any hold ups ... at all.”

Guy retracted and nodded his head submissively. I understood you never talked back to your attending or you could kiss your career goodbye, but what the hell was that?

“Ms. Porter, you’re with me. Let’s go.”

I acknowledged him with a shake of my head and turned to say goodbye to Guy.

“See you in the morning, Dr. Hunter, have a good night.”

“Bye, Lil, you owe me ... a rain check?”

“Sounds good.” And it did.

I followed Chase across the street, not sure where the hell we were going or why. The first five floors of Franklin Towers were the surgery clinic floors; the neurosurgery clinic was on the second. The remaining fifteen floors were hospital housing. I was jealous of the doctors who got to roll out of bed and literally cross the street. At that ungodly hour nothing was more convenient.

“Are we headed to your office to look at tomorrow’s schedule? Wanna go over new admissions and discharges?” I rambled.

“Yeah, yeah, we can do that later, but I said I was starving. Get on the elevator.”

His face was expressionless, yet he stared right at me. Do that later? My mind spun with a thousand questions but couldn’t formulate a damn thought. I opened my dry mouth to speak, but I was floundering for a reason to not get on the damn elevator. His fingertips traced my lower back again, and I practically fell in. He put in his elevator key and pressed floor sixteen. Sixteen? His apartment? Confusion pummeled through my body, making my stomach flip-flop at the quick rise in the elevator.

“Make yourself comfortable, I’ll be back in a minute.”

Getting comfortable in my hot boss’s apartment—the boss I barely knew—there was nothing comfortable about this.

“If the doorbell rings, have them set the food on the dining room table.”

He turned and strolled down the hall and out of sight. The silence was interrupted with running water. A lot of running water. Was he taking a freaking shower?

I hadn’t budged past his apartment door mat. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping for a pause, a skip, hell, maybe a rewind, but instead my vision was clouded with images of his entire body, dripping wet.

I slowly peeled my eyes open, hoping for a distraction. The grey and black hues, the large inviting sectional, huge flat screen TV, and gorgeous mahogany dining set screamed bachelor pad, but so tastefully done. It was obviously nice to be a recruited attending invited to live in hospital housing. I placed my bag at the edge of the sofa and took a deep breath. Why was I here?

The harsh sound of the doorbell startled me. I peeked through the keyhole. Takeout and I didn’t have a dollar to my name. Crap. I meant to hit the ATM tonight, but I was in a state of distraction to say the least.

“Good evening, Miss, where would you like your dinner?”

“Um … oh … on the table, please,” I mumbled. “Do you take credit card?”

“Oh, Miss, no worries. Dr. Colton took care of it.” He arranged the dinner on the dining room table. “Have a pleasant evening, enjoy your dinner.” He turned and made a beeline for the door, quietly shutting it behind him.

I cringed at my lack of city manners. Sierra NEVER went without tipping, she would have killed me. I let out a giant sigh and headed toward the table. Sushi.

Wrangel didn’t do sushi. And I managed in the last three years to avoid it like the plague.

“Dinner.” His voice was sexy as hell. “Sit. You must be starving.” He barked instructions like he was still in the OR.

He made his way over to the table, while my eyes fixed on his unruly wet locks hanging down his forehead. I should have been formulating a coherent way of articulating how odd and borderline inappropriate it was for me to even be here, but instead I focused on how everything below tingled with the thought of running my fingers through that hair.

“You know, I really should be getting home, I don’t want to impose. I agreed to come because I thought we’d go over patients for tomorrow. It has been a long day and I’m exhausted.” I reached for my bag.

“Stay.” He didn’t even attempt to make it sound like a question. He pulled out a dining room chair and sat.

“Excuse me?” My anxiety peaked. It was really time to politely excuse myself.

“Stay, have dinner, I invited you.”

“You did?”

“I said I was starving and I know you must be and-” he paused, thinking. He bit his lower lip and ran his hands through his yummy dark chocolate brown hair.

I inhaled deeply then bit my lower lip so hard I thought I tasted blood.

“I thought you would join me. I told you I would feed you later. Sit?”

This time, it sounded more like a question. Not that it mattered, my body was not going to let me leave, even though my mind was screaming to get the hell out of there.

“Um, well okay, but I really can’t stay long.” I pulled out the chair across from him and sat, fidgeting with my nails. Why was I so nervous? I was acting totally ridiculous, but this felt oddly similar to a first date, even though I haven’t had one of those in, well ... years.

“Fine. Beer or sake?” he asked.

I looked at the table and inwardly cringed. The piece of art in front of me was unfortunately a table full of colorful sushi. Too bad we couldn’t sit and just admire it all night. My stomach did another flip-flop. A slow wave of nausea rolled through me. I should have bolted when I had the chance.

“Sake?”

“Yes, sake—Japanese rice wine, goes with sushi—you want some?”

Couldn’t pass up wine, I needed something to diffuse this anxiety.

“Um ... sure.”

“I’m gonna grab a beer from the fridge and a shot glass.” He stood up and headed for the kitchen.

I reached for a large wine glass from his mahogany credenza and proceeded to pour myself a very large glass of sake—I thought that’s what he called it. I lifted my glass to take my first sip when he returned with a beer in one hand, shot glass in the other.

“Thirsty, huh ... guess you don’t need the shot glass.” A small chuckle left those sexy lips.

Shot glass? Why the hell did I need a shot glass? “Ahh ... no ... ahhh, sorry I helped myself. Just a very long day ... um, figured you didn’t need to wait on me.”

“Relax, Blue.”

I must have sounded like a bumbling idiot. I needed to get a freaking grip. I stared down at my cloudy wine. Why’s it cloudy? I had not a minute longer to analyze. I took a huge swig. The burn was exactly what I needed.

“Blue.”

I looked up. And squinted with I’m sure a very confused look on my face. Is he calling me blue?

“Help yourself.”

There was no way in hell that raw fish was coming anywhere near my mouth.

“I’m really not that hungry ... I had a big lunch with Kate. I’ll just have some of that aa-aa-” The very green looking salad type dish caught my eye. “Some of that ... salad.” I pointed to the fluorescent lime green heap.

He laughed. “You’re joking, you’re not just eating seaweed salad. For one, I’m not convinced you even had lunch, and two, if you did, that was like eight hours ago. Seven of those were in an OR with me.” He shook his head and frowned.

I didn’t hear anything past seaweed. I was silently trying to control my gag reflex. I picked up my glass and took a giant swig, trying to tame the lump in my throat. What the hell have I gotten myself into? On so many levels…

“You’ve never had sushi, have you?” He cockily turned up his lips.

“Well, I … um, grew up in a really small town up north—when I say small I mean small, like population six hundred and fifty-two small—sushi was not an option.”

He grinned, clearing enjoying the fact that I had never had sushi. “Well, you have to give it a chance ... here.” His chopsticks expertly picked up a beautifully wrapped little parcel and placed it on my plate.

Was it possible to be turned on by watching someone flex their forearm? Those tingles continued.

“This one isn’t raw, it’s a California roll. Try it.”

I pulled my eyes from his chiseled arms to admire the pink and green hues. “It’s just too pretty to eat.” I giggled. Shit. I giggled. I was buzzed already, enough to giggle. Crap. Mental note. Baby nursery in pink and green. Damn, I needed to stop procrastinating. There was no damn way he was letting me leave without trying a piece. I took another rather large swig of sake; it was now or never. Only thing to lose was my stomach contents.

I liked Chinese food, so I was pretty savvy with chopsticks. I picked up the roll and popped it in my mouth, chewed twice and swallowed. Chase sat, arms crossed, critiquing my every move. My eyes bounced back to his perfectly tanned arms and sculpted biceps tugging on his dark charcoal t-shirt. The distraction helped me get through the chewing and swallowing part.

He smiled. “What’d ya think? Did you even taste it? I’m not sure you even chewed.”

I chugged my remaining sake, washing it down. “It wasn’t so bad.” I smiled back. I managed to eat three more pieces while I watched Chase consume at least three or four entire rolls. He had some appetite. I wondered where he stored it; the man didn’t have an ounce of body fat anywhere.

“You finished? Come.” He motioned for me to follow him over to the couch. I stood up and attempted to clean up our dinner dishes. I was tipsy. Seven hours in the OR must have dehydrated the hell out of me.

“Leave it, I’ll deal with it later.” He grabbed another beer from the fridge and headed toward the couch.

“You sure?”

“Lili, come.” He walked from the kitchen to his large sectional in the living room. My eyes roamed from his fitted dark jeans hanging so delectably from his hips back to the dark charcoal t-shirt spreading across his muscular back. Flashbacks from the scrub sink saturated my brain. My attraction to this man boggled my mind.

I was relieved he instructed to leave everything on the table. I needed a seat, definitely feeling light headed. My mind raced with some seriously dirty thoughts. Giving my glass a little refill, I headed toward the couch. The wine seemed to be working, even though it reminded me more of rubbing alcohol than wine. He obviously had a more refined palate than mine.

I kicked off my shoes and curled my legs up under my bottom. He stared at me and smirked.

“Comfortable?” He chose the cushion right next to mine and angled his body to face me, resting his arm along the back of the couch. My body tightened at his close proximity. I lifted my glass to my lips and sipped. A drunken hot mess was closely approaching.

After reviewing a couple of our patients and discussing Kelly’s case, he dove directly into my personal life. A place I didn’t like to frequent.

“So Blue, how’d you end up in Philly?”

I sighed and took another sip. Was it too late to turn back?

“To be honest, if it wasn’t for my best friend I wouldn’t be here. I grew up in one of those towns where everyone knew everyone’s business. My dad couldn’t afford to send me away for college, so in a way I was stuck. Born in Wrangel. Die in Wrangel. Crazy town motto.” I shrugged. “Unfortunately my father didn’t know any other way to raise me. I ended up putting myself through community college.”

“Wow, that’s some feat,” he said, nodding in approval. “What’s your degree in?”

“I got a certificate degree as a social worker-slash-case manager, an extra year tuition for a master’s degree just wasn’t in the budget. As it was, I worked two jobs through high school and continued with one through college. I struggled a bit, but I was pretty motivated.” I placed my glass on the coffee table and ran my hands through my hair. I decided on a quick ponytail. It was warm.

“So what’d you do after college? You said you’ve only been in Philly for three years, right?”

“That’s right.” I picked my glass back up and emptied it. Diarrhea of the mouth ... shit. “I actually loved my job. I worked with underprivileged and abused children at a crisis center. It was extremely heartening to see how simple it was to make a difference in someone else’s life. I know that might sound cliché, but seriously, these kids had nothing, no one to care for them, no food, barely a roof over their heads, and yet it was effortless to make them smile. I really miss them sometimes.” My voice cracked.

Get. A. Grip.

Chase’s gaze never faltered and completely hypnotized me. There was something different about his eyes. Something I couldn’t explain. It was like looking into a stormy rain cloud waiting for the sun to come out. They told his story. A story I may never know, but a story that had me completely intrigued. This guy had yet to touch me in a real way and yet his eyes alone had me coming apart at the seams.

“So I heard you loved Pediatrics-” He interrupted my inner dialogue.

“Mm-hmm.” I smiled and slowly nodded.

“Dr. Hunter was mumbling something about why we couldn’t get ahold of you that first morning on rounds, your pager was broken by a kid...”

Still bringing up the morning I missed rounds ... ugh! I scrunched my nose and gave a nervous giggle. This evening was so not going to end well. I never giggled.

“So if you loved the kids so much … why’d you leave? Sounds like you loved it in Wrangel and had a great job doing something you really loved.” He reached up and ran his hands through his hair. His shirt lifted up and I snuck a peek of those abs and that happy trail that disappeared into darkness.

I sighed and sank back into the couch. My nights spent tossing and turning were finally starting to come less frequently, and this man I barely knew had me completely undone.

“Hey, seems I’ve put you in a trance, I’m boring you.” He lifted his beer and took a swig. His lips and a lot of other things were very distracting.

“Oh no, no … just thinking, sorry, what were you saying?”

“I was saying you never did answer my original question. How’d you pick Philly?”

“Oh that’s right.” I smiled sheepishly. “Sierra basically begged me to come, she was established here. She told me I didn’t have to end up like everyone else in our town. Sierra can be a bit dramatic at times— she said and I quote, ‘You were drowning in our town misery.’ Well seems she was right, I desperately needed a change of scenery. And she had a knack for being very convincing. I couldn’t argue. So, Sierra’s boyfriend, now husband, Dodd Baldwin—you may know him, a Philadelphia attorney with plenty of hospital connections—set me up with an interview for a case manager position.”

I decided at that moment I was officially drunk. “So here I am.” A glass and a half of wine? Something wasn’t right. Time to change the subject.

“So enough about me, Dr. Colton...” I shifted on the couch and ran a hand down my ponytail.

“It’s Chase.”

“Um. Okay, Chase.” I was feeling very uninhibited and chatty. Not a good combination. So I continued with what was really on my mind. “Can I ask why you called me Blue before?”

He chuckled and took a long pull on his beer this time.

“You know, Ms. Porter, been a long day … you look tired and we have a long day ahead of us. Time to get you home.”

Well, so much for our chat; he knew I was freaking drunk.

“Hmm, okay, good idea. I’ll call a cab.” I reached for my bag at the side of the couch and dug inside looking for my cell. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

“Hello, Pete, Chase here. Sorry for the short notice but I need the car ... great ... see you in ten.” He clicked his cell off. “Ready, Blue? I’ll get you home. I’d drive you myself, but I’ve had a couple of beers.”

Pete, who? Blue, AGAIN? Focus.

I needed to stand up, walk, and get into a car without making a total ass of myself. “I’m fine, really. I can take a cab. I’ll just see you in the morning,” I muttered, not making eye contact. I slipped my shoes on—thank god for ballet flats—and stood up from the couch. I took a few steps and lost my footing, transitioning from the carpet to the hardwood floor. Yep, definitely drunk. My oversized bag slipped from my shoulder and crashed down, spilling its entire contents. Damn bridesmaid gift. Did I really need the extra large Tory Burch shoulder bag that Sierra insisted on?

I crouched down and frantically started gathering my crap. I stumbled upon … really, a loose tampon and thong pad. OMG, KILL ME NOW. It was too late. He walked up behind me. I grabbed the feminine products and stuffed them in my bag. His sexy laugh was, of course, very distracting. But what topped my list of distractions was his arm wrapped around my waist, gently lifting me up, which squeezed his rock hard abs—the ones I’d fantasized about all night—into my side.

“I’ve got you,” he whispered into my ear. He was so warm and so alluring. I couldn’t think. I needed to think. He reached for a piece of hair that had fallen from my ponytail and brushed it out of my face. The heat from his fingertips lingered on my skin. His action was so insanely intimate. This wasn’t about lust anymore, my heart clenched.

I propped my head up and peered over the side of my bed. My clothes were in a crumpled mess on my bedroom floor. I glanced at the clock. 4:33 AM. Crap, it was early.

Wait. Not blurry? Shit.

My contacts were glued to my eyeballs. My head was pounding. I reached into my night table drawer and grabbed a bottle of Advil. Popped three in my mouth and took a giant swig of the stagnant water sitting on my nightstand.

I vowed to NEVER EVER drink sake, or whatever the hell that was, AGAIN!

Rice wine, my ass.

I needed to Google sake, something wasn’t right. Better yet, my sophisticated city girl needed to enlighten me. Fifty-seven minutes until I had to be up. I was a sweaty mess and naked. I had a bad habit of unconsciously stripping in the night. It was like ninety effing degrees in my apartment again. I guess I had an excuse. No way in hell I was falling back to sleep with the night’s events on replay.

Those mesmerizing grey eyes, that sexy chiseled body, sake, sushi, my emotional drunken rehashing of my life in Wrangel (thank god, skipping the nightmare parts), the freaking tampon and thong pad debacle, those abs, the intimate hair moment, the elevator ride then car ride, inside my apartment, tucking me into bed, kissing my nose and whispering...

HOLY SHIT ... what did he whisper? The heat from his lips still lingered on my nose …

I grabbed my phone.

Sierra wake up, I don’t care that you’re gestating,

I need you!

“Doll, you look like hell, you all right?” Guy’s voice pierced my eardrums as I came off the elevator squinting, blinded by the fluorescent overhead lights.

“Shhh, Guy, my head is pounding. I think I have a migraine.”

“Let me get you something. I’ll find Leanne, she can bring you some Ibuprofen.”

“Guy, no, I’m fine. I took something already. It’s too soon for another dose. I think I just need to eat something. I was running late and didn’t have a chance to stop at the cart guy.”

“I got you covered, Dickhead isn’t even here yet. Come, sit down.” He grabbed my hand and led me to a chair behind the nurses’ station. “You sure you aren’t getting sick?” If he only knew how hung over I was … he was being so nice to me.

“No, I think it’s just a headache.”

“I’ll be back in a minute. Bagel with butter and a tea sound good?”

“Thanks, I owe you.”

He gave me a smug look. “Don’t worry, I’ll think of a way you can make it up to me.”

Is he really flirting with me at this ungodly hour?

“Petit, you got this. Cover for me, I’ll be back in a minute. Tell him not to get his panties in a bunch, I’ll join you on rounds.”

“Yeah, yeah sure. Just hurry. It’s Friday—I don’t want him pissed all day. I have plans tonight.”

“Oooo Sammy’s gettin’ some with the wifey,” Guy chuckled.

“Fuck off, Guy, just hurry up.”

Guy laughed his way into the stairwell and was gone. He loved teasing Sam.

Chime.

U better b dead or I’m gonna kill u myself

What the hell kind of text was that

This better b good

I guessed my text was a bit aggressive.

Lunch-noon-salad place

B on time

I hv an awake case at 1pm

I put my head in my hands and closed my eyes. I wished I wasn’t awake. The damn thing chimed again.

This better b huge

Rescheduling my dr appt for u

C u at noon

I prayed the mortification from last night would disappear. Maybe I dreamt it. If I squeezed my eyes tight enough maybe I would never lay eyes on him again.

“Good morning.” I heard the humor in his voice from behind me. God, I had no luck. He leaned down to hover over my ear. “How you feeling? That sake is some strong stuff, huh, Blue?” The heat from his breath on the back of my neck sent a shiver up my spine. So this was his way of telling me he enjoyed me making a total ass out of myself.

The floor was swarming with people. I wasn’t about to talk about last night. He moved to stand in front of the nurses’ station. His arms rested comfortably against the counter while he studied his tablet. Long chocolate brown eyelashes covered his eyes and his slightly dampened hair hung loosely across his forehead. A crisp white lab coat covered his faded light blue scrubs. This man was going to be the death of me.

“Petit, where’s Hunter? I have cases all day.” He glanced up, catching my eye, before I averted my gaze.

I totally got caught checking him out.

“It’s Friday. I wanna get going,” he barked.

“Oh ... um ... he had to run get something,” Sam stuttered.

“Guy ran to get me some breakfast. I have a little headache and thought food might help. He should be right back,” I interrupted.

“If he wants to operate with me all day he better get his ass back here. Sam, let’s get started, I’m not waiting.” Chase looked pissed.

I cringed and stood from my chair, following them to the first patient’s room. Now it was my fault for Guy’s impending shitty day.

We had already visited two patients when Guy returned. He handed me my tea and a small brown bag and draped an arm around my shoulder.

“How ya feeling? Any better, doll? Do you think you have a fever?” He lightly brushed his lips against my forehead.

“I’m okay. Thanks. I don’t think I’m feverish. He’s pissed though, your day’s gonna suck,” I whispered.

“Whatever. You felt crappy, it’s the least I could do.”

“Dr. Hunter, so nice of you to grace us with your presence. Why don’t you remove your lips from Ms. Porter’s face and present the next patient?”

Holy crap, was he jealous? Maybe Leanne wasn’t wrong. Guy was a touchy feely kind of guy and I had a feeling Dr. Colton just wasn’t feeling it.

“I want details, as well as the proposed surgery.” His eye daggers bounced from Guy to me and back. “I’m waiting.”

Guy rambled on and on about the patient and the surgery. Dr. Colton nodded and agreed. I hoped Guy dug himself out of the hole I created. Or maybe the one he created. All I knew was I needed a reprieve from the intense pounding in my head and constant Sanskrit. I sipped my tea and stood silently, pretending to listen.

Noon came and the headache finally subsided. I met Sierra at our favorite salad place for lunch.

“Look at you, preggers, can you get any cuter?” Sierra always dressed to the nines.

“Look who’s talking, hottie, those are flats I might actually be caught dead in.”

I rolled my eyes.

The restaurant was packed, full of hospital employees. Last thing I needed was someone overhearing our conversation, so we picked a secluded booth in the back. I rehashed every detail of my evening with Chase. Her face morphed into something I rarely saw.

“Lil, I’m being serious right now.” Sierra NEVER did serious. “You deserve something good. You’ve had a whole lot of shitty the last twenty-seven years, maybe this is your something good.”

“Am I just torturing myself? Why should I think this could mean anything? I’m not even sure I want it to mean anything.”

“I’m just happy you actually felt something. I wondered if hormone injections were in your future. This, Lili ... is what it feels like when you like someone and they completely turn you on.” Sierra was blunt. Period, end of story.

“At the end of the night he carried my sleepy ass to the door and eventually tucked me into bed. He totally used my extra set of keys to lock up on his way out. My last memory though is a kiss on my nose and a whispered ‘let’s do this again sometime.’”

Sierra was quiet. Sierra NEVER did quiet. I waited.

“Asspuck, say something.”

“You’re gorgeous, he’s into you, why wouldn’t he be? Let’s ignore the kickass figure and amazing boobs. You’re the perfect package—kind, loving, gentle, smart, sassy, sexy ... I could go on and on, but I don’t need to because it looks like hottie patottie brain surgeon guy figured it out.”

I shrugged. “But it’s just not normal to embarrass the shit out of yourself five times in two days. He must think I’m such an idiot. I need to run. Literally run. Really fast.”

“Go run, hot stuff, clear your head. Maybe you’ll have room for some sexy thoughts.” She giggled.

The awake case at one went off without a hitch. I was in my shit brown scrubs, of course, but luckily my headache was gone. Chase was extremely quiet. Guy, on the other hand, was bitching about the music choice. I happened to love all things acoustic. My Pandora station seemed to be approved by all yesterday. Chase hadn’t balked.

“Leave it, Guy! I like this song.”

If he played Red Hot Chili Peppers one more time, my head was going to explode.

“Leave it, Hunter, or just fucking turn it off!” The tension in Chase’s voice exceeded the level of regular annoyance.

You could have heard a pin drop in the operating room. I held my breath. The agitation and turmoil spinning around in his eyes was disheartening. What the hell was his problem? The circulating nurse made the executive decision to turn the music off. I agreed that was probably the best decision, but that meant we stood in complete silence. For six hours.

Luckily the case ended without complication, I hightailed it out of there and made it to my apartment in record time. A good long run proved to be my go-to stress reliever. I quickly changed into running clothes, grabbed my iPod and headed toward the river. The four-mile loop was beautiful, peaceful, and more importantly, flat. Two miles in, I made a pit stop to tighten my loose lace.

“You’re pretty fast. What do you run, a six minute mile?”

It was a voice I could not ignore and had a tone a lot less harsh than what I heard in the OR. This man seriously bounced from emotion to emotion, it was hard to keep up. I popped the earplug from my ear while balancing my foot on the split rail fence and peeked over my shoulder at him.

I inwardly smiled for a couple of reasons, though. Number one, I was a pretty fast runner, and the thought that he couldn’t catch up to me was pretty funny, even if he was lying. Number two, he looked amazing.

A black dri-fit short sleeve shirt clung to his sweat-drenched body. Was it really possible to see each ab through a shirt? I swear to god I saw all six of them. The black running shorts exposed his sickly defined legs, and the trickle of sweat that beaded up across his forehead made his hair have just the right amount of curl. He ran his hand through his hair at that exact moment. I might have stopped breathing.

“So you’re following me?” I was sarcastic—at least I hoped I sounded that way.

He grinned. The tension from the OR had definitely seemed to vanish. “Why not? The view is something else.” He glanced beyond the fence toward the river. Was this his way of flirting? So much for running to clear my head. “I didn’t know you liked to run; you come out here often?”

“Guess I didn’t spill my entire guts last night; something you don’t know, huh. And yes, I love it out here ... it’s typically very relaxing.” I used the tone that Sierra would refer to as snotty.

“Hmmm, good to know. It’s never been my first choice of a workout, but maybe now it will be.” He wiped his brow with the edge of his shirt and took off without a glance back. Oh my god, he was trying to kill me with the tease of his washboard abs. Damn, he so did that on purpose. I sighed, realizing I was holding my breath. He was a mystery I had every intention of solving. I stood motionless with, I’m sure, my mouth hanging open. What a sight. The man was gorgeous.

I obviously wasn’t alone in my thoughts. My gawking was interrupted by a girl who attempted to turn around mid-stride to check out the back of him. She nearly broke an ankle. I couldn’t help but laugh. Unfortunately, the rest of my run was very uneventful.

6

Blood bath

My week seemed to go by in a blur. Work was work. No more drama when your day was limited to rounding, visiting patients and hibernating in an office under a shitload of paperwork. The OR nonsense had seemed to die down. Unfortunately though, this morning Chase decided he wanted me in the afternoon case. Not exactly how I wanted to end my week.

“Where’s Jack?” I asked Sam as we headed down the hall to the OR suite. “I can’t believe he’s missing his favorite surgery.”

“My lucky day—Jack’s at a conference and Guy was being a douche, so Colton said I could scrub.”

“Good for you, Sammy, ’bout time.” I smiled.

“Two weeks and I’m finally seeing the inside of an OR for real, hope I don’t fuck it up.”

“Don’t jinx yourself.”

“Let’s go. It’s Friday and I wanna get out of here before midnight.” We both turned around to Chase’s fast approach. No lab coat. Hair slightly disheveled. So this was what I was missing all week. So freaking hot. I caught myself running my tongue over my dry lips. He was totally staring at my mouth.

“On our way, thanks again for letting me scrub.” Chase nodded and Sam disappeared into the scrub sink area.

“Glad you could come this afternoon, been hiding out all week?” His gaze made it difficult to formulate a thought.

“Lots of paperwork. Lots of patients to tend to this week. I thought having me in the OR was wearing off.”

He squinted just a little. “Never, Blue.”

With that he disappeared into the OR. I hesitated, my composure disintegrating. I’ve never experienced communication through only the eyes and it was unnerving.

With hat and mask on I approached my patient, who appeared only mildly sedated. I took his hand and whispered words of reassurance.

“Ask Lili.” I overheard one of the scrub nurses say.

“What?”

Sam whispered, “They want to know which music station to turn on, seems Colton is only okay with what you pick.”

I raised my eyebrows, guessing the drama from the other day had circled. I turned toward the charge nurse. “It’s the Jason Mraz acoustic Pandora station or the coffee house on Sirius XM, either one.”

“Thanks, he’s finally letting us listen to some music,” the nurse whispered. “It’s been silent until you came.”

All this whispering was awkward—he was just on the other side of the table. I was sure he heard the whole stupid conversation.

“Petit, are we starting anytime today? Let’s go.”

Obviously I was right. Chase was annoyed we were talking about music. What was it with him and music? When I ran into him by the river he wasn’t listening to anything either.

Sam turned to look at the anesthesiologist. “Um, Dr. Jennings, is the patient ready?”

I had been in enough surgeries to know at this point the anesthesiologist needed to deepen the patient’s sedation before they could start.

Sam gave me a small shrug and repeated an octave louder. “We’re ready to start. Is the patient ready?”

Dr. Jennings jumped from his chair. “Oh, um sure, wait, give me a minute.”

“What the hell, Carl?” Chase hissed. “You paying attention? I’m about to make the first incision and he’s not even asleep yet.”

I shifted uncomfortably in my chair. Thankfully the patient was not awake enough to hear.

“Yeah, Chase, go ahead, he’s out.”

“Give the blade to Dr. Petit, please, Carol.”

Carol was a scrub tech who worked exclusively with Dr. Colton. From what I could tell she was really good. She seemed to know which instrument to hand Chase before the words left his lips.

“Dr. Petit, here’s your blade,” Carol stated.

Sam’s hand trembled.

“Petit, make the incision,” Chase impatiently snapped.

Finally Sam steadied his hand and made the cut. His mask moved in such a way I could tell he was grinning. Chase took over instructing Sam here and there, asking him questions from time to time. This neurosurgery stuff was something my brain could not comprehend.

“Sam, fuck, what’d you hit?”

I sat up in my chair and my heart leaped into my throat. Chase’s tone was ... frightening.

“I need suction, fuck, Sam, give me the goddamn suction now.”

Sam fumbled as he tried to pass the suction to Chase. The tubing disconnected.

“Fuckin’ A, you’ve gotta be kidding me.” Blood sprayed everywhere. Chase was covered; Sam was soaked. The patient’s heart monitor beeped frantically with sounds that I knew I never wanted to hear. I was sick.

“Shit, Carl!” Nothing. “Carl! What the fuck! You over there, what the hell are you doing? You obviously aren’t fucking monitoring the patient. You better snap out of whatever the hell you’re doing ... hang some fucking blood, goddammit. Sam, step away from the table now—run, I mean run and get more blood.”

Sam stepped back and tore his bloody gown from his body and ran.

“Dr. Colton, here, here, I got the suction back up and running.” Carol calmly handed him the working suction.

“Blood’s being hung.” Dr. Jennings seemed back in the game.

“Lili, I want you out of here now!”

My legs were shaky. I paused to get my bearings.

“Fuck, Lili, I said now.”

I made a beeline for the swinging door. I ripped off my mask, gasping for air. I had never been in a situation so intense. Uncontrolled tears streamed down my face. I was glued to the window, watching the blood bath in front of me unfold. Chase barked orders as the nurses moved frantically around the room opening new supplies, making phone calls, all the while staring at the heart monitor watching the life in front of them slowly slip away. My heart was breaking. Time stopped. My eyes bounced from the meaningless numbers on the monitor to Chase and back. Carol examined the blood collecting in the suction container, and from what I could tell it seemed to be tapering off.

But Chase’s eyes told the true story. The fear and pure panic in his eyes moments ago now seemed to regress. I unfortunately knew that feeling all too well.

I remained frozen, unable to move if I wanted to. The breath I held finally released. I was emotionally and physically attached to this moment. I wanted to hold him. I needed to tell him that he singlehandedly saved his patient’s life.

Hours later, Chase finally stepped away from the table and ripped his bloody gown and mask from his body. Blood was splattered across his neck. He tipped his chin down to examine his chest. In one fluid motion his scrub top came to stop at his feet. Holy Crap.

Our eyes locked through the window, and within a moment, he was through the swinging door, slowly devouring me with his extremely emotional gaze. He paused a moment to wash the splattered blood from his face and neck before reaching for me. His gentle touch was surprising as our fingers entwined, edging me forward. I followed his pull, causing my mind and heart to equally race. We exited the scrub sink room with some urgency and made our way down the hall.

“Where are we going?” I was breathless.

He was silent, stopping at the first on-call room. Releasing my hand, he opened the door and flipped on the light. Why were we in this room?

He turned around to face me. The teasing tiny peeks of sun kissed chiseled chest and abs were now completely exposed and burned into my brain. Unintentionally or not, my eyes continued their downward track. His scrub pants sat low on his hips, revealing the most erotic V-cut I had ever laid eyes on. My breath caught.

He reached to a high shelf to grab a towel. A beautiful tattoo ran along the edge of his ribs. It seemed to be some sort of Chinese characters. My eyes slowly rebounded. He wiped the sheen of perspiration off his face, neck and chest, dropping the towel to the floor. Then, in one fluid, perfectly timed motion, he stepped toward me. Our faces were only inches apart, allowing his soft breath to mix with mine. He cupped my cheeks, pushed me against the wall, and claimed my mouth. I stiffened in response, even though I had dreamt of this moment. I guess I was a little shocked that I’d read his very subtle signs. He wanted me. My heart pounded against my chest, and I let myself relax against his warmth. I parted my lips letting him in, urging him on. My mind spun with a desire I never knew I had. His tongue tangled with mine, delicately exploring my mouth. I matched him movement for movement, drinking in an intoxicating mixture of sweat, mint and clean crisp aftershave. He clutched the nape of my neck and brought me closer, deepening the kiss into a hungry need. I moaned quietly in spite of myself. He groaned in response and pressed harder against me. Never in my life had I ever been kissed like this. Kissed with this much passion. It was amazing. My hands entwined in his hair, coaxing him on. My legs weakened as he ran his strong hands along the curves of my body. My skin was more sensitive than I ever remembered. The thick protective shell I’d built over so many years to protect myself from a moment like this started to crumble into a million pieces.

“Fuck.” He pulled away.

Oh god, please don’t stop. I gripped my stomach and squeezed, hoping to relieve the deep ache in my core.

He yanked his cell from his back pocket. “Shit, I have to take this.” He stepped back further. He was as breathless as I was.

I stood in silence and listened to the one-sided conversation unfold. My lips trembled.

“What ... of course I know ... I would never fucking forget. I can’t come today ... I don’t give a shit if she needs me...” He pressed end on the call and looked at me. The tension in his eyes alone was palpable. “I have to go.” He turned and left the room.

Tears pricked the back of my eye.

7

Pause

“This green and yellow bullshit sucks,” Sierra snapped.

“I told you that three months ago. It’s your own fault. You’re the one who didn’t want to find out the sex at your ultrasound. Remember, all that meaning of life nonsense, and there-are-no-true-surprises ridiculousness?”

“Fine, you’re right! I’m calling my OB for another ultrasound stat. What a waste of time!”

We just spent two hours trying to register her. I should have been annoyed, but I couldn’t care less. My head wasn’t in it. I was hungry, and my legs ached from my fourteen-mile run this morning.

“Whatever you want,” was all I could muster. My head was so not into this.

“What’s wrong? You’ve been quiet all morning. Spill it.”

“Nothing, I’m starving and it’s insanely hot.” She wasn’t buying it. “Don’t look at me like that, you’re annoying. Let’s just go.”

“Fine, my place. Dodd’s out pretending to be domesticated. You can help me decide which wall the crib should go on in the nursery.” She hailed a cab. “Then you can start talking.”

We both slid across the seat. I rolled down my window. “Walnut and Rittenhouse Square, please.”

The five-minute drive was quiet as I tried to tease apart what was going on in my head. How could I explain the shit-show of emotions wreaking havoc on my life to Sierra if I couldn’t get a handle on it myself? A sleepless night and a two-hour run made it worse.

“You’re acting weird.”

“Am not.”

“Oh, okay. When’s the last time you sat in a cab with me and stared out the window? You’re usually talking my ear off about some sort of nonsense.”

“I told you. I’m just hungry. And could it be any freaking hotter out?” I leaned my head against the back of the seat and closed my eyes.

“Right. So your freakish behavior has nothing to do with Dr. Sushi Seduction?” She was so not letting it go.

“You’re approaching really annoying.”

The cab slowed in front of Sierra’s brownstone, and she paid the driver. I didn’t even attempt to open my purse. I was not in the mood to watch her throw a hissy fit about money. I slid across the seat and hopped out behind her.

A blast of welcomed air conditioning hit me in the face when we walked through the door.

“I’ll get us some snacks. Go sit before you pass out on the floor. My annoying self might leave you there.”

I kicked off my shoes and plopped down on the cozy oversized couch, curling up into a ball. Sierra’s heels on the hardwood floor got closer. My eyes were closed, but she was definitely hovering.

“He kissed me,” I blurted.

“What! When! Lil, open your eyes.” She handed me a glass of lemon water and jumped up on the couch, heels and all.

“There’s nothing else to say, it happened and now it’s over.”

“Bullshit.”

“He walked away. Acted like it was all some misunderstanding, like he didn’t mean it.”

“What do you mean, he walked away?”

“Exactly that,” I clipped. “He had this really tough surgery yesterday. The patient almost died. It was a total mess. He was a mess. He was angry and yelling, covered in blood. The next thing I know, he’s half naked, and he’s kissing me like I’ve never been kissed before. It was intense. And amazing. Our connection, our chemistry, it was insane. He must have felt it, I know he felt it.” Tears threatened to fall. I kept my emotions trapped in a bottle and wasn’t sure why this man was having this effect on me. “And then his phone rang and something changed. He went right back to being a total ass. Then he left. He just left.”

“That’s it? He hasn’t tried to call you or text you?”

“Nope. Nothing. I told you, didn’t mean anything.”

Silence. I mentioned Sierra NEVER did silent. At least she knew why I hadn’t slept and clocked a crazy number of hours. Maybe she would stop being so annoying.

“I don’t do this. I don’t get all bent out of shape over someone I met three days ago. It’s insane. It’s taken three effing years to feel something, and I pick this man. His intensity is no joke. He’s Dr. Compassionate one minute and psycho surgeon the next. This is who turns me on. Really? I’m screwed up. Can I push pause?”

It was the first time I’d spoken those words out loud, but I sure as hell thought them way too many times to count. I sat up and wiped my burning eyes. I refused to shed another tear.

“Push pause?” Sierra questioned.

“Exactly, I need to check out for a few days or maybe a year.”

“Lil, you’ve been checked out for the past three years, you need to freaking check in. You’re not gonna remember the pauses, and you’re definitely not going to remember a good night’s sleep. But at least there’s a reason you feel like you need a pause and a reason you were awake. Bad or good, who gives a shit? That’s the stuff you don’t forget. I have no idea what’s up with Dr. Bloodbath. He might be a total dick and not worth another second of your time, but I’m just glad you’re feeling something again.” Sierra took a sip of her water and gave me a small smile. “You’ll figure it out, Asspuck, just like you do everything else. You’re the strongest person I know. I love ya.” She hugged me. “Goddamn, it must be this baby, I’m a hormonal fucking sap, huh?” At least she said it, not me. Sierra rarely did mushy. “Let’s go out this Friday. Drinking and stupid talk always makes us feel better. And since I’m living life dry at the moment, you drink and I’ll be stupid. Sound good?”

Sounded perfect. And she had a point, I had literally walked around for three years blocking out any and all penetrable emotions. Maybe I was feeling something, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to acknowledge it.

“Can I call in sick all week?” I scrunched my nose up and squinted.

“Yeah, right. Like you would ever. It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours. I don’t think you should give up on him yet. He kissed you, didn’t he? You felt something, right? I’d bet my ass he felt something too, so give it some time. Worst case scenario, he’s a big dick and you suffer through three more weeks on his service.” She shrugged. “Best case scenario, he has a big dick and you spend the next three weeks letting it pry your vagina back open.” She grinned.

That sounded more like my Sierra.

“Sounds worth the risk to me” she finished with.

Chase and I exchanged very few words over the course of the next week. None, to be exact. There were two awake cases, and he didn’t request me to sit in for either. In fact, I overheard him tell Guy, “Keep her away from my OR, I don’t need a repeat of last Friday,” implying the bloodbath debacle was somehow my fault. Only I knew what he was really referring to, and I got the message loud and clear. On rounds he was short and curt and avoided eye contact with me. There wasn’t even a glimmer of the man I had dinner with or the man who sweetly tucked my drunken ass to bed. Just Dr. Intensity. I was angry. So pissed with myself that I let my guard down so easily after so many years of building my ironclad barrier. Screw him for disarming me too damn easily.

“Are you going out tonight, doll?” Guy put his hand in the elevator door to keep it from closing. I got it. When they weren’t living up to their stigma, surgeons and stairs, they hopped on the elevator. I tried to stifle my laugh.

“Yeah, girls’ night at Rosa’s, what about you? You should meet up with us. You didn’t forget about your promise, did you?” I bumped his shoulder. He owed me a drink.

“Of course I didn’t forget. Colton and I have a drug rep dinner tonight about some new instruments he wants to try out in the OR, or some shit like that. But I’ll totally try to get out and catch up with you ladies.”

“Sounds like a fun boys’ night out,” I said, my voice laced with obvious sarcasm.

The elevator slowed and opened on the second floor. Chase stepped in. Shit. So much for the stigma. His eyes locked on mine for the first time since we kissed last Friday. He looked pissed. My stomach did a flip and I broke first, redirecting my focus to the cracked floor tile.

Guy nodded and acknowledged him. “Hey Chase.”

Chase did not turn and face forward, following proper elevator etiquette. No, he backed himself into the side wall, arms folded across his taut chest. The sleeves of his crisp blue dress shirt were rolled high enough to show the coursing veins bulging under his tan forearms. I didn’t look up because I knew his eyes were still on me. The tension was thick and palpable, yet Guy was oblivious. I wished I had taken the stairs.

“So I’ll definitely try and crash your girls’ night. How late do you think you’ll be there?”

“There’s a bunch of us going, so probably pretty late, especially once the margaritas start flowing.” I peeled my gaze off the floor and up to Guy and those damn dimples.

“Not missing this. I’ll be there, wait for me.” Guy patted Chase’s arm to get his attention, “How long’s this dinner tonight?”

“Obviously not long enough.”

Silence. It was the world’s longest elevator ride, EVER. Who knew going one floor could be your worst nightmare?

As much as I tried to forget all things Chase, I couldn’t help but wonder what had him so angry. The few times I’d seen him this week, his demeanor was the same—detached and cold. Angry. The only thing familiar about him was his intensity. I hadn’t seen a flicker of Dr. Compassionate either, and I began to question if I had imagined it. Was I so distracted by my attraction for him that I saw what I wanted to see?

I walked into Rosa’s and headed straight for our usual table. I didn’t even stop at home to change. No time after that elevator ride. I said hello to a couple of the girls and poured myself a giant margarita. I slipped comfortably into the high back stool and pulled out my cell phone to text Sierra. One missed text. She was probably running late.

We need to talk. -CC

My stomach churned and I cursed myself for adding my number to the call schedule after the whole pager debacle. Was he really texting me right now?

I’m back at work Monday.

If u need something-call the on-call case mngr.

Now he wanted to talk? What was wrong with the fifty plus hours we just spent in the same building? Not convenient enough? Bullshit.

Know u felt it. -CC

Seriously? Of course I felt it. Was this his way of saying he didn’t? I also felt the sting of his cold shoulder all week. Irritation, compounded with arousal from thinking about our kiss, accelerated my heart rate. My eyes scanned over the last text like a scene stuck on repeat. Know u felt it. Five simple words and I was completely undone. The last thing I needed was an awkward “sorry if my steamy-as-fuck kiss gave you the wrong impression” conversation. Thanks, but no thanks. Why did he have to be so damn intense and hot as hell?

Nothing to talk about.

Have you been drinking? -CC

Obviously. Must be drunk. Why else would any sane female deny a request from this man? Looks like I also underestimated his arrogance.

Last time I checked

I met the legal age.

Pete will take you home.

Go with him. - CC

Thanks but no thanks.

He thought I needed a car service to get home. He thought I was pining over him, getting drunk. I’d had enough. I might not be able to turn off my body’s magnetic attraction for this man, but there was no way I was entertaining one more second of his pompous presumption. I powered off my phone and slammed it into my bag, just as Sierra walked up with a huge grin on her face.

“What’s wrong with you? You look like a cat just pissed on your Manolo Blahniks.” More like a lion…

“Hi to you too, Asspuck. What’s with the Kool-Aid smile?” In fact, her smile was over the top infectious, and I couldn’t help but smile right back.

“It’s a girl!”

“Oh Sierra, congratulations! I’m so happy for you.” I sprang from my chair and threw my arms around my best friend’s neck. “Yeah pink, Sier, this is soooo exciting!” Happy news put my stupid Chase bullshit on the back burner.

“Dodd was a little pissed I wanted to find out, but hell, now that I know I’m not regretting my decision for one second.” She gave her little bump a rub.

“Oh, good! Because this aunt is going to spoil her princess to pieces.” I raised my margarita in the air. Sierra followed suit and picked up the seltzer-filled wine glass I had waiting for her.

“To girls!” With matching perma-grins, we both took a sip.

“So it’s pretty obvious I interrupted pissed-off Lili. What’s going on? Insurance company deny your request for one of your gorked patients to get therapeutic mani-pedis at rehab?”

“There’s something seriously wrong with you.”

“I’m just kidding, you know I think it’s awesome what you do and how you fight for your patients.”

“Let’s not talk about me. I want to talk about your shower. My baby girl Pinterest page is overflowing ... I’ve been pinning since the day you peed on the stick.”

“Pinterest-freak, what if it was a boy?”

“It’s not my fault you’re Internet-challenged. Don’t worry. I have a boy one too ... we’ll save it for next time. Here, let me show you the app on my phone.” I grinned and reached for my phone. My irritation resurfaced when I remembered why I buried it at the bottom of my bag.

“What, where’s your phone?” She reacted to my not-so-subtle eye roll.

“Rotting in the bottom of my bag.” I fumbled around, eventually locating it and hoping not to find any more texts when I powered it up.

“What’s going on?”

“He texted me.” I shook my head and hesitated, uncrossing then crossing my legs. Just talking about him had me squirming in my seat. Damn my body.

“And ... what did he say?”

“Oh, he thinks we need to talk. Make sure I didn’t get the wrong idea, even though he had all week, but avoided me like the plague instead.” Sierra’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh, and let’s not forget the best part. He was worried I might be getting plastered and offered to make sure I got home safely.”

“He wanted to come get you?”

“No. Send a car.”

“So I guess we’re going with he’s a big dick, huh?”

“Yeah … guess so,” I mumbled, taking a large sip of my margarita.

“Well, that was definitely not convincing ... you want to see him, don’t you!”

“Give me a good reason I should want to see him. He kisses me and then pretends it didn’t happen. No, I’m pissed. Pissed at him for being such a jackass, but even more pissed at myself for letting it get to this point. What was I thinking?” Saying the words out loud just refueled my anger. I sipped from my glass, but instead of being soothing, it constricted my chest and added to the burn.

An hour later, Rosa’s filled up with its usual Friday night crowd. The rest of our girls crew filed in and helped polish off a table full of delicious Mexican appetizers. I lost count somewhere after the sixth pitcher of margaritas. Not that I participated in drinking any of them. It seemed Dr. Jack Ass not only set my thong on fire but also gave me raging reflux to boot. So, I joined Sierra with a matching wine glass instead.

Most of the girls from work were single and mingling at the bar when Guy strolled in.

“Hey doll. What are we drinking?” He grinned and bent down to plant a friendly kiss on the top of my head.

“Margaritas seem to be the crowd favorite. Guy, you remember my friend, Sierra?”

“Of course, great seeing you again. I must say, pregnancy agrees with you, you look awesome.”

A subtle blush crossed Sierra’s cheeks at his suave words. Sierra didn’t blush. Ever. The power of Guy’s charm was endless.

“How was your work dinner?” Relief rushed over me that he showed up alone.

“Boring as shit. Weird too. Usually it’s just a pharmaceutical rep or two giving their spiel trying to sell their product, but the damn CEO of the company was there, totally kissing Colton’s ass. It’s a fucking clamp. Looks just like one of the fifty we already use, but I thought the guy was going to suck Colton off when he said he would give it a try ... crazy ... but who am I to pass up a free steak at Capitol Grill?” Residents lived for free meals.

Sierra watched me. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat again at Guy’s mention of Chase. It didn’t help he used the words suck off and Colton in the same sentence. Then Sierra did what she does.

“So Guy, Lil tells me you’re from California. Miss it?” Sierra poured a margarita into a clean glass and handed it to Guy.

“Only in the winter. Philly is a fun town, but dude, I don’t know how you people get used to the cold.” He shook his head and drained his glass

“Oh. That’s easy. Not all of us are blessed with a body like that.” She waved her hand up and down the length of Guy. “God’s doing the rest of us a favor by limiting bathing suit season.”

Guy coughed on his margarita and the three of us laughed.

“Touché ... and thanks for the compliment—I think.” He looked right at me. “But from where I’m looking, I think he’s doing a serious disservice to the male population keeping the two of you lovely ladies covered up five months of the year.” He flashed those adorable dimples.

“You’re a keeper! I like you. You’re welcome at ladies’ night any time, dude,” Sierra added.

I was glad she was getting a taste of the fun, flirty banter I had told her about. Suddenly, Sierra’s eyes shifted above my head. Her mouth dropped open like she was going to catch a fly at any moment.

“Lili, can I have a word with you?” The deep gravelly voice was unmistakable. Goosebumps rose over the flesh of my arms, and a shiver ran down my spine. His voice alone had my body completely under command. A command that was not familiar. I slowly turned my head to look over my shoulder.

“So you must be Dr. Colton?” Sierra wasted no time.

“Yes. And you must be the best friend I’ve heard so much about.” He answered Sierra, but his stormy gaze never wavered from his target. Me.

My stomach fell into my lap and heat began to pool from my core. Suddenly, the two emotions that had been completely consuming me since I met this man were waiting for a puck to drop to face off, anger vs. desire. Emotions I steered clear of for the past three years.

My mind silently supported the well-deserved anger, while my traitorous body succumbed to desire. What did this man want from me? And why the hell was he standing in this bar?

Maybe his medical groupies fell over themselves to kiss his brilliant ass, but that was not me. Would never be me. It did not matter how riddled with unfulfilled desire I was, I would never willingly hand anyone that power.

Unlike our previous interactions, the tension was glaringly obvious; a dense fog smothered our table. It was choking. Guy’s eyes pinballed between his boss and me, while Sierra sat cross armed, studying Chase. This was the moment that life decided to push pause.

I had no control of my physical reaction to this man, but I had the power to push play.

“Um. Chase. This is Sierra Baldwin. Sierra, meet Dr. Chase Colton.”

Chase barely broke his gaze. He silently shook Sierra’s outstretched hand. Sierra played it well. Her body language read calm and cool, but my best friend’s eyes screamed what-the-fuck. I explained the “intensity” factor to her pretty well, but I had a gut feeling we would revisit that topic again in the very near future.

“Lili. A moment.” He motioned with one hand toward the door, his unapologetic eyes bolted on me.

“Ohhkaay.”

“Excuse us.” Chase pulled my chair out, making room for my exit. Presumptuous much?

“Hey Chase. The lady is off the clock. Can’t whatever it is wait until Monday? Why don’t you pull up a chair and have a drink?” Guy leaned back and waited for Chase’s response. He didn’t respond, at all.

“Um … it’s okay, Guy. It’s fine. I’m sure he just needs to go over a few things. Um, we’ll be right back.”

Guy and Sierra exchanged inquisitive glances.

“Why are you here, Chase?” I pushed through the front door into the humid night air, looking up at the cloudless midnight blue sky. Lord help me.

“We need to talk.”

I spun on the heel of my ballet flats and tightened my arms around my waist trying to tame the butterflies. I was tempted to ask what the hell was wrong with the past seven days.

“We do?” I sarcastically questioned.

“You know we do, but I would rather not have this conversation here. Let me take you home. My car is right around the corner.”

My eyes narrowed and I frowned.

“Why would I leave with you, Chase?”

“You don’t have to, but I want you to. I owe you an explanation.”

Damn straight he did.

“Damn straight you do.”

He reached for my hand, but I backed away slightly, breaking the connection. The heat from his fingertips sent shivers up my arm. He sensed my trepidation, because his eyes morphed from intense to something softer, something genuine. My stomach lurched and I knew I was screwed. But it didn’t stop me from remaining pissed.

“This is crazy!” I snapped. “You had all week to say something. You’re the one who walked away. You’re my freaking boss, for god’s sake. I don’t do this ...we can’t do this.”

Sierra interrupted by walking out the door, providing a much-appreciated pause. I needed to regroup, unsure if I believed a word coming out of my mouth.

Sierra’s eyes cautiously tried reading the situation. “Hey, Lil. You okay?”

“I’m fine. Are you leaving?”

Chase stood ruminating with his hands snaked in his pockets, eyes locked on me the entire time.

“Dodd just called and surprised me. He got an earlier flight back from his meeting. I’m gonna shoot over to the airport and pick him up. You mind?” Her expression screamed “you sure you want me to leave you here with this dick?”

“No, I’m fine. Go pick up your husband. He’ll be psyched to see you. I’ll call you tomorrow.” She gave me a peck on the cheek and uttered a curt “good night” in Chase’s direction. She walked across the street and hopped in her SUV. If I weren’t so distracted by this man in front of me, I would have sworn she waddled.

“Now there’s no reason to stay. Can we go?” Chase shifted his weight between his long legs as if he were losing patience. His chiseled face was focused and determined. He was seriously off the charts breathtaking; however, I was no lovesick nursing student ready to bow at his command.

“No, Chase,” I clipped. “This, whatever this is, can’t happen!” I pointed back and forth between us, silently regretting every word that escaped from my lips. My inner turmoil was causing a relentless havoc. My attraction for this man was overwhelming.

“Calm down. Just let me take you home. Your ride just left and you’re not cabbing it home alone.” I might not live in his upscale part of town, but it was a far cry from the hood. He was unreal.

My irritation bubbled to a head, and I snapped, “It’s fine. Guy can drive me home. I’m sure he won’t mind. He lives in my part of town.”

“Like fuck he will.” Chase clenched his jaw so tight I thought he was going to pop a vessel in his neck. “He’s been drinking, and there is no fucking way you are getting in a car with him.” He was dead serious.

“He had a margarita. I’m pretty sure he’s fine.” I defended Guy, even though there was nothing to defend. Guy was a giant by normal people standards. It would probably take a pitcher of Rosa’s house margaritas to impair Guy’s big toe. Besides the fact, Guy wasn’t stupid.

“That’s one drink too many.”

Oh-kay.

“Chase, what do you want from me? Why are we even talking about any of this? As far as I’m concerned, we have a professional relationship. End of story. No more sushi dinners, no more call room ... anythings.” My face flushed.

He took a step toward me and gently lifted my chin. “Blue, look at me. You know you don’t believe that. Let me take you home. Let’s talk. If after, you really don’t want this, I promise I’ll back off.” His eyes turned molten, causing an explosion of tingles between my legs. My body cross checked my brain and prevailed in the battle. I would deal with the penalty later.

“Fine, Chase. I don’t owe you a damn thing after the way you treated me, but I’ll let you plead your case.”

His lips curled up into a devilish smile and the tingles turned into full-blown spasms. Fuck my body.

We spent the nine-minute drive in complete silence, my mind reeling with a million questions. Time was up. His black M6 stopped in front of my building. Part of me was tempted to bolt up the stairs, hop into bed and erase the evening. Tomorrow I needed to rethink the whole therapy thing, running just wasn’t cutting it.

This man was infuriating; giving new meaning to hot and cold. Obviously something was royally screwed up with my twenty-seven-year-old brain. I abandoned all sense of logic after three years spent erecting an emotional wall of China. The disconnect between my body and brain was bewildering.

“Come on, Blue.” He grabbed my hand and helped me from his car. I moved willingly. Obviously, my body just told my brain to fuck off, again.

“What was the point of the scene at the bar?” I asked.

Chase raked his hair with his hands and let out a sigh, but gave no explanation.

“Are you for real?” The words spit out of my mouth, but still nothing.

Did he want me or did he just not want anyone else to have me? I realized the only time he acknowledged my existence this week was when I was with Guy. First in the elevator, then the bar. Was this just another alpha pissing-on-his-territory display?

Screw this, I’d had enough and briskly walked to the door of my first floor row home apartment. Angling my body toward the streetlight, I searched in my bottomless bag for the keys. My goal was to get away from this man as fast as possible. How had I not told him to fuck off already?

“Don’t worry about it. I got it, Blue.” Blue? His hand rested on my lower back. The heat scorched through my clothes.

“Don’t worry about what?” I spat.

Chase effortlessly opened my door with my extra key. The one he still had since sushi night.

“After you.” Chase gently pressed at the small of my back, urging me inside. His mouth hovered at my ear, bathing the nape of my neck with his warm minty breath. He whispered, “Remember? I told you we would do it again sometime. Sometime is now.”

I immediately tensed. It was as if every nerve ending in my body awakened and fired all at once. Sweet Jesus. Heat ignited my core and desire pooled from my sex. The only thing I knew for sure at that moment was I wanted this.

He shut my apartment door, leaving us in the small alcove entrance flanked with floor to ceiling windows that let in an aura of intimacy. The charm of the space I loved, I cursed. The soft illumination did little to hide my jumble of excited nerves. Without hesitation, Chase pulled me around until I was facing him. He tipped my chin up for the second time tonight, demanding our eyes meet. One lock with his silver crystal gaze, I was gone. Totally freaking gone.

He leaned his strong back against the door and snaked both hands into his pockets. His signature stance was my undoing. He ... was ... stunning. His intensity dissipated before my eyes, replaced by something else, something primal. He bit his lower lip and roamed hungrily, landing below the hem of my short summer skirt. My bare legs felt weak. I backed up against the window, accepting its support, while my monstrosity of a bag slipped off my shoulder with a thud. Neither one of us blinked.

“Lil. You are so fucking beautiful.” Each word was punctuated, his gaze plagued with desire. My mind was fuzzy, but my body was frenzied. His sentiment completely melted my hesitation. I couldn’t explain it, but I wasn’t afraid. I was greedy for his touch.

He closed the gap between us. His strong arms enveloped my body, pinning me against the window. His lips lowered to mine, devouring me like a predator claiming his prey. His tongue took ownership of my mouth ... sucking, licking and exploring every inch.

Palming my ass, he pulled me against his rigid cock that strained against his zipper. It was huge.

“Wrap me up,” he whispered.

I moaned at the loss of his mouth. He lifted me with ease, as if I was a feather, and I wrapped my legs around his tight waist. Suspended, his strong hands mercilessly stroked the back of my sensitive thighs. He ran his tongue up my jawline to my ear. Every part of my being quivered and I was lost in him.

“Chase, please.” I wasn’t sure what I was asking for, but I didn’t want him to stop. I wanted more. My comfort with his dominance surprised me. My arms draped across his chiseled shoulders, and I buried my hands in his unruly hair, pulling and coaxing him on.

He lunged one thigh forward rubbing perfectly against the spot I needed him most. My loose skirt was nonexistent, wrinkled at my waist and exposing my thin black thong. Drenched. I had never been so sexually achy and needy in my whole life. My ravenous lips smashed back into his. My tongue reveled in his warmth. I never wanted this feeling to end. The heat of his fingertips trailed the skin of my lower back, jolting me forward. He lifted the edge of my tank, sending the silk fabric floating to the floor.

“Fuck, Lili.” His hungry eyes focused on my black lace bra. “So sweet and perfect.”

He traced the lines of my swollen breasts before gripping and squeezing one into his mouth. My nipple instantly tightened into a hard bud as he swirled his tongue over the thin fabric.

My back arched in response. “Mmmm.”

“You like that?” He turned to worship the other breast.

“Mm-hmm.”

I ran my hands down the front of his hard chest, longing to feel closer. His dark blue dress shirt separated us. It had to go. Now. I needed skin on skin contact more than I needed air.

My fingers couldn’t coordinate fast enough. I made it two buttons down, when his mouth released my aching breast. With one hand, he tugged his shirt open and the buttons ricocheted against the windows. I pushed the ruined cloth over his muscular shoulders, unveiling all things chiseled. This man had the body of a god.

I’d dreamt of his bronzed, built chest since he ripped his blood-soaked scrub top off, the day we first kissed. I had imagined running my hands over his tight abs and caressing his tight pecs. I waited no longer.

Selfishly, my palms ran over every defined muscle, spending extra time tracing his mysterious tattoo along the edge of his ribs. Better than I imagined. This man is sexy.

I abandoned my assault of his carved torso and gently palmed his face, running the pads of my thumbs across his cheekbones. Lust-filled, his eyes secured mine.

This was dangerous; I didn’t even know this man. Yet in such a short time, I craved him like a drug. I couldn’t get enough. I desperately descended on his mouth, drinking in every air molecule that separated us.

His hand dipped down to the edge of my thong. In one swift motion, he pushed the drenched lace aside and plunged two fingers inside. I broke our kiss, unable to stop my cry. My head fell back with the sudden intrusion, and I was rocked deep to my core. This felt so good.

“Blue, you’re so wet for me. So tight. I want to be inside you so bad.” His fingers swirled inside my tight passage; his palm added the perfect pressure against my aching sex. He pushed and pulled. The rhythm drove me insane.

“Look at me. I want to see you.” He slowly withdrew his fingers, leaving me empty and wanting. Speech was impossible. I whimpered at the loss. I never wanted anything so bad. “I need to see you.” I willed my head forward, completely drunk with desire. I struggled to peel my heavy lids open.

“Chase. Please.” My desperate eyes implored him.

“I know.” He unfastened my bra, and my heavy breasts fell into his needy hands. He rolled my hard buds between his fingers, sending a shocking current to my core, squeezing my womb. A delicious torture.

“Tell me what you want, baby.” Baby. No one had ever called me anything so endearing before. My head spun with emotion. “I need to see you come first, then when I’m buried deep inside you, we’ll come together.”

The magnitude of those words clogged my throat. How could I ever admit that no man had ever brought me to that place, let alone twice?

“Answer me, Blue.” His guttural growl was impatient; his eyes commanded an answer.

“I never...” My voice was barely audible. I was at a total loss for words. “Please, just touch me.”

A flicker of something crossed his eyes, and I hoped he wasn’t going to press me further. I was already in a delirious state, beyond aroused and needy.

He brought his wet fingers to his lips and sucked. “Baby, you taste so delicious. I can’t wait to feast on your sweetness ... you want these back?” He wiggled his fingers in front of my eyes.

“Mm-hmm.” I nodded, and my eyes fell shut, waiting for his touch. I was going to lose my mind in endless anticipation. He pushed a tendril of hair from my face and tucked it behind my ear. The motion brought back highlights from sushi dinner. My sex clenched impatiently again.

“Baby, open your eyes, I want to see you. I need to see your face when you come for me the first time.” His words were too erotic; they almost pushed me over the edge. Is this really happening to me?

He reached down and stroked me while he found and sucked my breast. I couldn’t focus on anything but every stroke and every touch. Eagerly waiting for the moment he sunk back inside. I whimpered and pleaded with my eyes, gripping and pulling the shit out of his hair. His rhythm never wavered.

“I know this is what you want.” And in one smooth motion, he thrust two fingers deep inside, stretching my sensitive walls. The pressure was so intense that I came instantly. Shattered. My hips thrust uncontrollably against his delicious fingers. I shuddered a moan as the wave of ecstasy pulsed through me.

“Let me hear you, baby. I want to hear what I do to you.”

“Oh yes.” My body convulsed around his fingers, and he continued at a feverish pace. My eyes never fluctuated from his passionate stare.

No one had ever made me come before. Ever. I had no choice but to hang on and ride it out. Chase let me ride my wave until my body calmed, and my labored breathing slowed. He removed his miracle fingers, caressed my thighs and passionately claimed my mouth.

“Blue, that was the sexiest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. Your eyes, baby, they went from crystal clear blue to midnight. I almost came just watching you. Fuck, I need to be inside you. I can’t wait a second longer.”

Still coming down from my wave, I watched him frantically rip the fly of his tailored black suit pants open, tugging them down enough to release his straining erection. It was immense. Intimidatingly long, hard and ridged. He was stunningly beautiful. I wanted to fall to my knees and worship his taste. Did I just think that? Not in a million years had I imagined hearing those words in my head. The meaning was overwhelming.

I tentatively ran my fingers down his length and he groaned in response. I was in awe. Did he want me just as much as I wanted him? He reached around and pulled a foil packet from his back pocket. It was ripped open and sheathed him in record time.

“Ready, baby?” He was making sure I was ready. He cared. With that one gesture, he took the time to appreciate and respect my body like no one else ever had. I exploded with want. The emptiness he created was eager to be filled.

“Blue. You’re so tight. I don’t want to hurt you. I need to know you’re ready.”

The whisper barely escaped my throat, “Yes,” and I felt him at my entrance. In one continuous motion he buried himself, painfully stretching me to the point of pure pleasure. I cried out and he instantly swallowed my groans. He deserved to hear what he was doing to me. “Oh god, Chase, you feel so good.”

“You have no idea what you’re doing to me ... fuck, baby.”

My hips drove forward, meeting his thrust. Perfect synchrony. He pulled almost completely out before slamming back into me with increasing force. Over and over, his pace was punishing. The fire in my core built again, and I matched him thrust for thrust. I am going to come again.

“Let it go, baby, come. Now.”

On command, I arched back, and this time I screamed his name. It violently ripped through me; this orgasm more intense that the first. With two more thrusts, Chase’s body shuddered against mine, and he groaned what sounded like my name. Deep inside I felt his final jerks. He stilled and tucked me tightly against his sweat-beaded chest. The intimacy of his embrace matched the entire experience. Perfect.

“You think you can stand?”

My legs were a wobbly mess, but I nodded confidently anyway. He had been holding me with such ease since we walked through the door.

He gently lowered me down, never letting go of my waist, and quickly dealt with the condom.

“Let’s get you to bed.” He pulled his pants up with one hand and then swooped me into his arms effortlessly, like I belonged there.

“Down the hall on the right.” I snuggled into the crook of his arm.

“I know, baby. This will be my second time putting you to bed.” He grinned cockily.

“Chase, we still need to talk.” The week-long silent treatment still loomed.

“We will.” He kissed the tip of my nose. I couldn’t help but smile. I had never seen Chase like this. Relaxed. Content. Sated. His gorgeous eyes still held heaviness but Dr. Intensity was gone, at least for now. And I liked it. I liked Dr. Sexy. Holy shit, did I.

8

First do not harm

My small apartment was all of two and a half rooms. It took Chase’s long legs seconds to reach my bedroom, or should I say, nook. Like the entrance hallway, the same long windows flanked the ten-foot walls. Flowing silk pewter draperies secured my privacy but left the top perimeter of glass bare, allowing natural light to filter in.

I fell in love with the space the day I moved in, but never appreciated it more than I did watching Chase lower me onto my bed. His bare chest and face was illuminated by the soft glow of the night sky. He was dangerously breathtaking.

“Baby, I need to move the car. I’ll be right back. Don’t move.” He gently lifted the sheet over my naked, sated body and palmed my cheek. He ran the pad of his thumb softly across my bottom lip. Mmm. Definitely not moving. Ever.

“Okay.”

Chase turned and quickly disappeared into the darkness beyond my nook. I heard him grab what I could only assume was the remnants of his shirt off the floor, followed by the click of the door. He was gone less than a minute before reality dawned on me. The only reason to re-park the car was if he was planning on staying ... the night ... with me. A pang pinched my side and my stomach flipped.

I just got mind-blowingly fucked against a wall and the thought of Dr. Orgasm spending the night with me made me suddenly nervous. Really, Lil? Thinking to yourself in third person was never a good sign, so I abruptly ended my lunacy and raced to the bathroom, hoping to get cleaned up before Chase got back. Time was tight.

As dreamy as the “don’t move” plan sounded, my post-sex reality was a far cry from all my romance novels. It had been a really long time, not that I could ever compare tonight to any experience I had in the past, but I vaguely remembered the “freshly-fucked” look not being my best. My mascara-smudged face screamed anything but sexy. Not to mention my thighs felt like they were stuck together with Elmer’s glue. Thank god for Sierra, her pre-wedding laser hair removal obsession totally worked out in my favor.

I washed up and had just enough time to tug on a clean tank and thong and then climbed back into bed. I heard his footsteps. Excitement and relief washed through me. A small part of me feared he might have changed his mind, but my insecurity vanished the second his chiseled face appeared from the darkness.

His shirt hung open. He folded his arms across his chest and casually leaned against the wall, studying me like the MRI images he methodically memorized before each surgery.

“You moved?” His lips parted into a half grin, and he shook his head disapprovingly.

“You took too long.”

“You put clothes on.”

“You might need some new clothes.” I smiled.

“You’re fucking beautiful.”

Speechless.

Chase dropped his arms, pushing the world’s now-sexiest shirt back to the floor. Before I formed a coherent thought after his last statement paralyzed me, he stripped. Naked. Effortlessly comfortable in his own skin. He stood there torturing me with his burning gaze. This man deserved his limitless confidence. His body was a work of erotic art. If there was a museum of hot bodies, he’d be the featured exhibit. I would have bought a lifetime membership.

Two strides later, the mattress dipped beside me to accommodate all of him. I felt so small in my own bed, so fragile. Strangely enough, I’d also never felt so safe.

Lying on his side he propped his head with his elbow, our faces inches apart. His hooded gaze was piercing. He began to stroke my arm, shoulder to elbow. His seductive tickle was blissful torture. Pure intimacy.

His rhythmic movement exposed the inked art that cascaded down the side of his ribs.

I’d never had an opinion either way when it came to tattoos. Plenty of the guys back home had them. Some were more appealing than others. It was almost a high school right of passage in my town. But what always fascinated me was not why people got them, but what they chose. The motivation behind the actual mark. Finding an image significant enough to warrant a permanent brand.

Chase’s tattoo was striking and beyond hot. Masculine, yet sensual. The sharp symbols were the color of midnight, a hard contrast to his bronzed skin. Each fine line sliced the contour of his chiseled physique. I longed to run my mouth down each character.

Without thought, I traced his etching. “What does it say?”

He didn’t respond. Instead he lifted my fitted tank over my head and returned to his tender ministrations. His focus adjusted to the edge of my sensitive breast.

“I thought we were going to talk.” My voice was breathless.

“We are talking. But don’t ask me not to touch you.” No objection there. His thumb brushed my taut nipple.

“Mmm.” My back arched, and my pulse raced in response. Every nerve in my body was ready to abandon the talking plan in favor of the fondling plan when Chase read my mind.

“Talk, baby. I can do both.”

“What happened last week? After we, um, kissed. You were ... different?”

“I fucked up. Period. I have no intention of letting it happen again.” He stroked my cheek and brushed his soft lips over mine. Intensity plagued his eyes again. “Do you trust me, Blue?”

Trust me. It was impossible he knew the enormity of what he asked. I spent years struggling to trust myself again. Suddenly I was torn. As much as I wanted an answer for his Jekyll and Hyde behavior, I’d rather not taint this tantalizing moment with my issues.

“Sorry handsome, I don’t trust that easily. You’ve got to work for it.” I flashed a cheeky smile hoping to lighten the mood and shut down Dr. Intensity for now.

“What did you have in mind?”

Ahh. Hello, Dr. Playful.

“Um. You didn’t answer my question, your tattoo. What does it mean?”

His answer was matter of fact. “First do no harm.”

“Are these Chinese or Japanese characters?” My fingertip memorized his ink.

“I do believe it’s my turn, but if you must know it’s neither. They are Romaji characters.

“Huh?” Oops. It slipped out.

He chuckled. “It’s Latin script applied to the Japanese language. There is no literal translation for first do no harm in Japanese.”

“Well hello, Dr. Know-it-All.” I giggled.

“Baby I’m gonna know a lot more before the night is over, including every inch of your body. Truth for truth.” He leaned down and sucked my hard nipple, reigniting my core. My thong dampened. God help me. I wondered how long I could last at this little game. I was so turned on. “What did you mean before when you said I never?”

Crap. Obviously not a beat-around-the-bush kind of guy. He turned his attention to my other breast. Not waiting for my response, he drew that nipple into his hot mouth, flicking the bud with his tongue.

“I’m waiting, Blue, tell me.” We weren’t having this conversation. He sucked harder and bit down. I moaned in ecstasy. “Truth. Tell me.”

“I couldn’t answer your question because, um, no one’s ever made me ... you know,” I panted.

“Never made you what? Say it, baby.”

“Come.” Holy shit. I said that out loud. Heat hit my cheeks. “I was only ever with my ex, and um, it never quite happened for me. I just thought I was one of those women who couldn’t get off from sex. Thankfully, you shot that theory to shit ... twice.” It was like he shot me with truth serum.

“What a selfish, fucking idiot.” His voice got angry. Oh, you have no idea. “Watching you come was the sexiest thing I have ever seen. His loss was my honor. I can’t wait to put that look back on your beautiful face and hear you scream my name again. I’m giving you advanced warning—you can retire your vibrator, baby, because I don’t share.”

Oh. My. God.

“I don’t ... actually ... have one.”

“Bullshit, baby. I just acquainted myself with your greedy pussy, there’s no way she’s been satisfied with your little fingers ... truth.”

Shoot me now.

“Okay. Fine. The shower head, okay?” The flame in my cheeks burned. “Can we stop talking about this?”

His lips turned up slightly.

“A shower head, huh? Don’t be embarrassed ... that’s fucking hot, baby. I’m hard just picturing it.” He rolled on top of me, supporting most of his weight on his arms and pushed his hard length into my stomach. It felt even bigger than before. Not possible. My fingertips explored every muscle of his rippled back as if it was Braille and held a secret message.

“Um, thanks, but it’s your turn ... embarrassing story.” I kissed his chin.

“First, that was selfish fuck-face’s embarrassing story, not yours. Understand?” he clipped, as if he was defending my honor.

What could I say to that? “Um. Thanks ... but it’s still your turn.”

“Okay. Is falling off stage embarrassing enough?” A small laugh escaped his lips. “When we were in high school, we were in a band. Mostly to piss the parents off. One weekend we did a gig in the village, a real dive of a club. The stage was a total piece of shit. Mid-riff, I tripped over a guitar pedal and fell flat on my face, right off the stage.”

The visual flashed in my mind and I chuckled. “Aw. Did you get hurt?”

He growled and sucked my ear. “Yeah, totally busted my ego.”

“Poor baby. Glad to see you made a full recovery with no long lasting effects.”

“Took a shit load of Band-Aids.”

I liked Dr. Playful.

“So what happened to the band? Is that how it all ended?”

“Yeah ... a real tragedy.”

I sensed the nostalgia come over him. Anyone else I would let savor the moment, but for some reason, I was slowly learning that even the most random moments of silence seemed to summon Dr. Intensity. And music definitely seemed to be a sore subject. I was enjoying Dr. Playful too much to risk the moment souring.

“So you couldn’t make it as a rock star in the big city, so you totally sold out and became a brain surgeon ... psst ... underachiever.” As if. I couldn’t keep a straight face if I tried.

“Glad I entertained you. But can we end this enlightening game now? I have other plans for entertaining you. How’s your math?”

Just like that, Chase’s playful eyes glazed over with unmistakable hunger that was mesmerizing. He uttered a low growl. Mmm. Dr. Sexy. Dropping more of his body weight on me, his hands reached into my hair, massaging my scalp. It was maddening. I had never felt anything even close to this. His strong thighs nudged my legs apart to accommodate his large body, his erection brushed against my flat stomach. Years of reluctance were replaced with thoughts of him filling me again. My hips instinctively pushed up greedily, wanting all of this man.

His lips covered mine while his tongue explored and claimed every inch of my mouth, completely devastating my senses. My hands mimicked his tongue, mapping his back and his god-like ass. If this was all a sick dream, I never wanted to wake up.

He broke our kiss and pushed up until he was sitting on his knees. His hands reached under me, cupping my bottom to roll my thong down as far as my spread legs would allow. He lifted my legs and jerked the drenched fabric over my feet and sent it sailing across the room.

“Better,” he growled.

Instead of dropping my legs back down, Chase opened my thighs wide, and pressed my knees against my breasts. My sex was completely open and exposed. Lord help me.

“Damn, you’re beautiful, I can’t wait to taste you.” His expression was that of a man starved. “Already so wet for me.” He spread me with his fingers, staring intently. He licked his lower lip and my walls clenched with anticipation. My hips automatically rose. If I wasn’t so drugged with lust I would have been mortified, we just had sex. Shouldn’t this be gross? This was all new to me.

Selfish fuck-face (I liked Chase’s name for him better) made it clear on more than one occasion that “going down” was a waste of his time since I couldn’t get off anyway. Like I suffered from a sexual disability, and all attempts at therapy were futile.

His look alone as he examined for the perfect spot to launch his assault could have set off my detonation. My thighs shook with a fine tremor of excitement, while my tension within built at a furious pace. Chase’s stormy eyes glued to my sex as he lowered his face to just above my opening and inhaled my scent.

“Mmm, so sweet.”

My head fell back, my fingers tangled his hair, and my bottom shot up all in unison, begging for release.

“Eyes on me, Blue.” His command might as well have fallen on deaf ears. There was no way I could move.

“Blue. Eyes.”

I tried to scream I can’t, but I lost all ability to speak. For some reason I trusted this man, knew he would put an end to this exquisite torture for me. I mustered every ounce of control and met his gaze.

My eyes were all he needed to launch his attack. His warm mouth was on me. His pace was excruciating. This was better than any fantasy. The intense pressure built deep in my core, mirroring the crescendo of my throaty cries. He lapped at me as if I was his personal oasis, while his talented tongue found my opening, seeking entrance. A throbbing pleasure shot to my sex. I was so close. Orgasm inevitable. He locked his lips around my bundle of nerves until I shattered, screaming the only syllable I could find. “Chase.” My hips bucked in wild abandon. He tightened his hold and his mouth swallowed every pulse of pleasure.

I saw heaven.

Concentrating on catching my breath, Chase kissed my thighs. I found my voice. “That was incredible.”

“No, that was three.”

Oh. He was keeping count. Holy shit. One night with this man and I could safely say he just completed my hat trick. He crawled back up my body leaving trails of kisses along his way. He smiled and pressed his lips to mine. A deep possessive kiss. As if he knew exactly what I needed and exactly what he had just done. Completely rocked my world. I tasted myself on his tongue and it only added to this amazingly raw and erotic moment.

My hand snaked between our bodies in pursuit of my craving. Chase stopped me. I was confused and suddenly self-conscious.

“One more truth.”

“What?”

“How long has it been? And please don’t lie to me.”

My cheeks flamed.

“Um, about thirty minutes, give or take a minute,” I retorted with my feeble attempt at dodging the question.

“You know that’s not what I mean.”

Yeah, I knew. But why did it matter now?

“Why does it matter now? I think we’ve established I’m a sure thing at this point.” Please don’t push this.

“Because I don’t want to hurt you. Baby, you are so incredibly tight and you’re already swollen. Tell me.” His concern rocked me.

“Um. Three years.”

“Fuck, Blue, you should have said something. I could have hurt you.” He oozed sincerity.

“You didn’t hurt me. I’m fine.” Better than fine. My groin throbbed for more than one reason. A dose of Motrin would deal with that later. I tensed my thighs around his hard length, hoping to urge him on and end this conversation.

“Baby, I want nothing more than to drive into you again, but I don’t trust myself ... you have no idea what you just did to me, watching you come in my mouth, screaming my name. I’d tear you in half. Not an option.” Damn. “Besides, I need this,” he cupped between my legs, “in good health to reach my goal.” This man was going to be the death of me.

“Goal … care to share?”

“How high can you count?”

My eyes widened. “So tell me, in your professional opinion, what’s my, um, projected recovery time?”

“Hard to tell. Don’t worry. I’ll be keeping a very, very close personal eye on the situation.” He flashed a mischievous grin and gave me a quick, gentle kiss. I could definitely get used to this.

He rolled on his back and pulled me tight against his chest, planting the sweetest kiss on my head. “Time to sleep, Blue. Speeds the healing process. Doctor’s orders.”

Mmm. Sleep. Physically spent and beyond sated, sleep sounded blissful. Especially wrapped in the warmth of this man’s strong arms. Two weeks of five AM wake ups, extra long runs and sleepless nights—I was exhausted. Tonight I did something I’d never done, I lived in the moment, succumbing to desire and giving in to my anger. I was still not okay with the cold shoulder he gave me all week with no explanation, but I realized I hoped in time he would trust me enough to explain why he walked away. I felt something tonight and realized I missed feeling. I greedily wanted more. I suddenly wanted to take a chance on anything and everything this man had to offer. Yes, he was confusing as all hell, but now I’d seen a side of him that I never expected. He was intense and dominant, but he was also playful and gentle. He physically took me to places I had begun to doubt existed outside a hot romance novel. More than anything, he made me feel sexy and desired. Part of me wanted to fight to stay awake and never let this night end. What if I woke up tomorrow and this was just a dream? What if either one of us woke up second guessing what we had done, tainting the memory?

As if he read my mind and wanted to put my doubts to sleep as well, he said in a low whisper, “I hope you didn’t have any plans this weekend. After tonight, I have no intention on sharing you. If ever.”

“Mmm. Sounds good and you’re in luck. It just so happens, I’m free until Sunday night.”

“Really. And what’s Sunday?”

If I wasn’t mistaken, I thought I heard a hint of jealousy.

“Oh, I go to bed early. My boss can be a bit of a hard ass. I have to be at work at an ungodly hour.” I chuckled, snuggling in tighter, taking in all of his scent. Crisp soap mixed with musk, mixed with sex. Delicious.

“Sounds like a real prick. Should I have a word with him?” He smiled against my temple.

“Nah ... turns out he’s not that bad ... just doesn’t enjoy sleeping in like the rest of the world.”

“Maybe his bed has been too empty.”

Yeah. He definitely knew the right things to say.

He held me closer. “Sleep, beautiful.”

I closed my eyes and contentment washed over me. A quick vision popped in my head. Tired and now a little giddy, I couldn’t resist. “You really fell off the stage?”

“Flat on my ass.”

“You have to tell me what song you were doing, so I don’t accidentally play it in the OR. I wouldn’t want you to have an embarrassing flashback while operating,” I teased.

“Baby, you can play any music you want. I usually like it silent, but I let you pick because I love the way you look when you’re singing along in your head, nodding along, thinking no one’s looking.” He lifted my chin and kissed my lips one last time. “Now sleep, gorgeous. Sleep.”

I took a deep breath and followed doctor’s orders. Good night, Dr. Sweet.

The aroma of freshly brewed coffee permeated through my apartment. I opened my eyes. It was early. I slipped my tiny tortoise-shelled glasses on and jostled the edge of my sheer pewter drape to see a perfectly clear blue sky. The sunlight filtered through my room, creating tiny prism rainbows on my ceiling. Discovering the source, my heart skipped, a beautiful stainless steel watch sat so casually on my night table. A perfectly indented pillow nestled close to mine. Both subtle reminders that I wasn’t dreaming. The perma-grin etched across my cheeks and my sated, sore body was more evidence of my reality. Like a child on Christmas morning, I was giddy with excitement. I quietly slipped out of bed to look for my present, naked. Mmm. I put on the first thing I saw and peeked my head out of my tiny bedroom alcove. Thank goodness last night was definitely not a dream. Chase leaned against the tiny kitchen island, coffee in hand, thumbing through the morning paper. Shirtless and barefoot with last night’s slacks loosely hanging right below his hips, accentuating those insanely sexy V-cuts and his tattoo. His hard chest and biceps flexed each time he brought the mug to his lips. This was a sight I would never tire of.

His eyes lifted. “Did I wake you?” he asked in a deep and velvety morning voice.

I shook my head no. “Do you ever sleep in?” The clock on the wall read ten to seven.

“This is sleeping in.” He shrugged and opened his arms like an invitation. “Come here. I have an idea I think you’re going to love.”

I walked toward him in my tiny white tank and loose cotton shorts. Typical early morning weekend attire. He pulled me against his hard chest and buried his head in my neck, breathing me in.

“Baby, you smell so good, I just can’t get enough of you.”

“You got in my pants, Chase, you can stop with the flattery.” I grinned wryly and looked in his eyes. I just can’t get enough of you.

“Never, you’re stuck with it ... in and out of your pants.”

I smacked his arm and he playfully tickled me, throwing me over his shoulder.

“Put me down,” I squealed, looking at a perfectly defined ass.

“I’ll put you down right where I want you.” He placed me on the cold bathroom tile and stripped me bare. Dazed by clothes being tossed about and still giggling from his tickling escapade, I was surprised at how quickly his jovial eyes turned purposeful. “Spread your legs a little, let me see.”

Oh no, he isn’t. “See what?”

“I need to check on my piece.” He dropped to a crouch and lifted my leg over his shoulder. “Oh baby, you’re still a little red.” He gently opened me, peeking inside.

Good lord, is he freaking kidding me? “All I need is for you to shine your pen light.” He arched his brow and grinned, like he was considering it. “Don’t you dare.” His grin got bigger, but his eyes softened.

“I know you’re sore, let me take care of you.” He placed a wet kiss on each of my inner thighs and stood, dropping his pants. Holy Commando. He turned on the shower, adjusted the water temperature and pulled me in. My back softened into his warm wet chest. His arms banded around my middle, snaking up to knead my breasts. My head fell back to rest on his shoulder. I moaned into the steamy stream of water. His hardening erection pushed into my butt, increasing my already heightened arousal. He licked drops of water from my neck, spending extra time to suck and nip his way up to my ear. Mmm, Dr. Affectionate.

“Do you know how sexy you are, Blue?”

“Um. Do you know how sexy you are?”

His growl sent a shiver up my spine. He slid a slippery hand down my stomach and ended between my legs, circling the rim of my opening with exquisite gentleness.

“I want this so bad, but easy first, baby ... no way I’ll ever tire of hearing you moan my name.” He created a rhythm of constant pleasure. My hips pulsed to the beat until I arched my back into his miracle fingers.

I checked all my inhibitions at the door last night, breathlessly moaning, “Yes, oh Chase, don’t stop.” Then without warning, I exploded repeatedly, pivoting my hips. Panting, I pressed my palm against the shower wall for support while I returned from pure bliss again. He languidly dragged his hands up along my sides, stopping to push my damp hair over my shoulder. His soft wet lips kissed along the top of my collarbone before nuzzling into my neck.

“That’s four. I’ll surprise you for five, but number six, I’m back inside.” He groaned, spinning me around to devour my mouth. I leaned into his chest and hung on. I could spend my life kissing this man and never be satisfied. He swatted my ass and broke our kiss.

“Chase.” I bit my lower lip and ran my hands over his slippery chest. Hmm … sexy and wet and the promise of later ... mmm.

“You’re addicting, baby. If I don’t stop kissing you we’ll never get anywhere. Come on, turn around and let me wash you.” He grabbed my poof and soaped my body. Touching, caressing, massaging every inch.

“Mmm, I’ve never been so clean.” I seductively batted my eyelashes and licked my lips.

“You’re teasing me and my self control is running out,” he joked.

Feeling possessed and more wanton, I whispered, “Um. Last time I checked, only my vagina was on the injured reserved list. My mouth-” He cut me off before I could finish what would have been the boldest sentence of my life. He tangled his hands in my wet hair, and his lust-filled eyes locked only inches from mine.

“Don’t even, that pretty little mouth is going to be my reward.”

“Reward?” I blushed.

“Double digits, baby.” He mischievously raised his brow and kissed the tip of my nose. “Damn. The thought of those lips around my cock. I was determined before ... now I’m a man on a mission.”

OMG.

“Are you really not going to let me, you know, until-” My flush deepened.

“Double digits. Then you get whatever you want. Trust me. Pretty sure this is a win-win.” His devilish grin was sexier than sin. How could I argue with a man on a mission?

“Now, I have a surprise and I really want to get us there ... so stop eying my junk, sweetness. Not gonna happen.”

It was hard to explain exactly what I felt when he looked at me like that. The only thing that came to mind was lucky. Like drawing the last get out of jail free card after passing go and collecting two hundred, only to find out I inherited boardwalk and park place with hotels. Insanely over-the-top lucky. I hoped to enjoy whatever this was between us, at least as long as one of those damn games lasted.

“Get us there? Ooo, tell me?”

“Nope, a surprise is a surprise.” He grabbed the shampoo and lathered my hair. All business. My scalp got the same heavenly pampering as my body. I wasn’t complaining, more like melting.

“Rinse, Lil.” He cupped my cheeks and kissed me affectionately.

“I want to wash you.”

“Next time, baby, time to pack.” He pushed me out of the door.

“Pack?” I questioned, while stepping out of the shower to grab a towel. Where was he taking me?

9

Surgeon and details

Packed for something, I plopped down in the front seat of his sleek convertible. I sunk back and ogled his car. It was immaculate and almost as beautiful as him. Clean crisp lines, bronze infused leather, hard wood and stainless steel accents screamed all things Chase. I had a gut feeling this car was expensive. Like, really expensive. Maybe the change in medical reimbursement didn’t hit neurosurgeons yet. A hard-working man like Chase deserved his toy.

Smiling, I removed my sunglasses from my hair and covered my eyes. I admired the exquisite man next to me in his captivating car. This beautiful, cloudless summer day lent perfectly to a road trip with the top down. I must have been dreaming. I pinched my arm. Thank god it hurt.

“Ready?” He smiled.

“Ready, what about you? Don’t we need to go to your place and pack?” He had a clean shirt in his car, since last night’s found its way into my trash, but he was still wearing his dress pants. Commando, yet again.

“I’m good. I plan on being naked as much as possible.” He cockily grinned and rubbed his hand up my bare thigh, sending a jolt directly to my sex. He had a one-track mind. One that I was easily getting used to. “If we have to, we’ll shop a little.”

“Oh shit, I knew I forgot something. I’m supposed to meet Sierra later to go over baby shower stuff. It’s okay, I’m sure we can do it one night this week.” I fished through my bag looking for my phone.

“You sure, Blue? As much as I’m not in the mood to share, I’d rather your best friend not hate me. We didn’t exactly start out on the right foot last night.” He started the engine and hit the button for the top to come down. I silently jumped up and down in my seat.

“That’s sweet, Chase, but she’ll be fine.” After a play by play. I shot Sierra a quick text and folded my leg under my bottom. Chase rested his hand back on my bare thigh. “So I really have to wait, huh? Not even a little hint?”

“Sorry, baby.”

I slumped back into the leather and fake pouted. I had nothing to pout about. I gazed out the window thinking how quickly twelve hours could alter your life. My emotions were on a rollercoaster now, cruising somewhere along could-my-life get-any-freaking-better track. A course I was never privy to. I mentally beamed. Heck, it was my time to enjoy the ride. I weaved my fingers through his. He glanced in my direction and gave me a soft smile.

I playfully tickled his arm. “What do you want to listen to, Dr. Rock-n-Roll?”

“I’m good with whatever,” he deadpanned. Why’d he do that?

“You sure?” I flipped through the channels and landed on the Swedish House Mafia hit, “Don’t You Worry, Child.” I hummed for a moment. I loved that song. His hand abruptly left my thigh and gripped the steering wheel. His jaw tightened and his knuckles whitened as the volume of the lead singer’s voice escalated. The lump in my throat kept me from swallowing, and a swarm of bees took over my stomach. Dr. Intensity was back. “I liked the peaceful silence.” I turned it off. The trigger of his tension was obvious. I attempted to diffuse the looming intensity by lightly massaging his neck. Chase and music just didn’t mix. It didn’t make sense; he was in a band growing up. “You okay?”

He slightly relaxed with my touch as I watched the pulse in his neck bound continuously.

“You want to talk about it?” I headbanded my glasses and studied him closer. His eyes never wavered from the road. “Was it the music?” I continued to stroke down his rigid arms.

“I’m fine, Lil, I’m fine.”

“Truth, Chase.”

“Not now.” He released his grip on the wheel, making himself comfortable between my legs. Losing focus almost immediately to his miracle fingers, my body fell to command. His rhythmic touch had my mind spinning and my body ablaze. This man was going to kill me.

Two windblown hours later, the city skyline stole my breath.

“Oh Chase, I’m so excited! I’ve always wanted to come to New York.”

He leaned over the center console and ran his fingers through my hair.

“Come here, Blue.” He coaxed me closer, awarding my lips with a sweet, soft kiss. I smiled under his touch as the butterflies quietly fluttered. That kiss made something deep within me warm all over.

“Mmm.” I brushed my fingertips along his stubble. His morning shadow covered his cheeks and chin. His hair was windblown and he wore dark rimmed aviator glasses, making him look sexily disheveled. My sex tightened and my heart quickened. Two responses I was beginning to crave.

“Sooo, what’s on the agenda in the city that never sleeps?”

“Definitely not sleep.” He winked at me under his shades and restarted his assault on my inner thigh. After losing my thong an hour and thirty minutes back and increasing my tally by one (my surprise number five), it seemed as rapidly as Dr. Intensity flashed his ugly head Dr. Sexy reawakened. Our playful banter and lots of touching was distraction enough for now.

I sat up in my seat and enjoyed the hustle and bustle of New York City. I was like a kid in a candy store on senses overload. My head bounced from one window to the next, trying to capture every moment.

“Good Afternoon, Dr. Colton. How was your ride?” Distracted by the stop and go of the city traffic, I hadn’t realized we reached our destination. An older white-gloved man, dressed in dark grey and a matching hat opened his car door.

“I’m good, Charles, how’ve you been?”

“Well. Thank you.”

Chase’s large frame smoothly exited his low riding car to tower over the older gentleman. I unclicked my seatbelt and began to stir, taming my wild hair and righting my pale yellow sundress. Shit. My torn thong was in his pocket. Even I knew pale yellow and bright summer sun was not a combination that worked with no underwear.

“How long are you staying, Sir?”

“Just until tomorrow, Charles, probably late afternoon. Can you have the car waiting?”

“Of course, Sir, and I’ll have your bags brought right up.”

Chase handed him the car keys.

“Oh Miss, let me.” Charles flew around the hood to open my door.

I was not all that anxious to get out. My eyes widened as they locked on Chase’s hungry stare. He smirked and slightly shook his head, making his way around the car.

“I got her, Charles, thank you though.” Several neatly folded bills exchanged hands and he proceeded to open my door.

“Have a good evening, Sir, Miss.” Charles nodded in our direction and slipped away.

“Chase, I can’t get out,” I hissed.

“Come here, baby, no one will notice.” He smirked again and pulled me from the car.

“Where are we, anyway?” I swung my bag over my shoulder, bouncing it from front to back trying to decide which area was less offensive. Even more desperately trying not to wonder why this Charles character knew Chase so well. How many other pantiless women had he brought here before? Ugh.

“My apartment building.” The enormous square structure looked like something out of the Victorian Renaissance era. The brick and sandstone walls decorated with ornate steel balconies and elaborate moldings were stunning. It was a little on the darker side. But the sight of its classic tall beauty took my breath away. Much like the man beside me. “Let’s go inside.” He pinned me close to his side, wrapping his arm low on my waist.

“You covering me up?” I looked up into his eyes peering down at me from under his shades.

“I told you. I don’t share.”

My smile widened and the flush hit my cheeks.

“Good Afternoon, Dr. Colton, Miss.” We were greeted by a second white-gloved gentleman. First a doorman, second a concierge. A couple episodes of the Housewives were worth keeping in the loop to be refreshed on these unfamiliar high society ways. I put my giant bag in front of me and silently prayed my ass was covered enough by Chase’s arm. I cursed the designer who thought pale yellow, short dress and sun should ever be in the same sentence.

The elevator ride to the tenth floor was quiet. We nodded politely as other tenants entered and exited, Chase’s eyes only leaving mine for brief cordial sentiments. His stare was heated. The elevator opened to a wide gothic passage leading directly to a massive arched mahogany door. He gently led me forward. My jaw, not so subtly, dropped. Not even two steps through the door and the expansive view of Central Park was spectacular. The unobstructed light shining through the eight enormous windows lining the living room was awe-inspiring.

“Oh Chase, your view, your apartment, it’s ... beautiful.” I smiled coyly.

“Glad you like it.” He draped his arm over my shoulders and kissed my cheek. “Go take a look around, gotta make a quick call to check in at the hospital.”

The towering ceilings and intricate dark wood moldings carried through every room. One as beautiful as the next. The dining room and kitchen looked out on the gabled roofs of the interior courtyard. A gorgeous fountain was surrounded by symmetric circular gardens spanning across intricately placed stone walkways. The detail was fascinating.

I wandered into his bedroom. The steel grey walls framed a massive antiqued black four-poster bed, blanketed with stark white linens. Overall the room was dark and simply decorated. No personal effects, no frames or photos or family mementos. Nothing revealed the mystery behind the man. But his appreciation for light and color was conspicuous, bringing warmth and coziness. The floor-to-ceiling French doors, defined by deep turquoise silk draperies, led to a terrace full of clean-edged planters overflowing with unique tropical flowers. Aired on two sides, almost every room brought in the outdoor landscape.

“I promise you we will spend quality time in here.” His voice startled me. “I wanna see how you look on my bed.” He sat on the edge of the massive bed and pulled me between his legs. “Did I mention I really like you pantiless?” He gripped my ass and brought me closer, burying his head between my breasts. “And braless,” he mumbled into my cleavage.

“Mmm.” My head tilted back, as the first of my thin spaghetti straps fell from my shoulder. The ridge of his erection pushed into my thigh, I swallowed. My nipples tightened as he drew my breast up into his very experienced mouth.

“Oh, oh,” I gasped. I squeezed my legs together to help relieve the deep ache already forming, or that never really left.

“You love that, huh, baby? I love to make you squirm.”

My dress slid to the floor to pool around my heels as he sat back to feast on my body. The heated stare from the elevator returned and his eyes darkened to match his walls. I was hyper aware of my body and the broad daylight should have made me self-conscious. But it didn’t. Every part of me was taut with excitement and anticipation. I was in his room, his space, completely under his control. A control so different from what I remembered.

“Keep your shoes on,” he commanded. I felt sexy as hell.

Flashing back to the night we met, I teased, “Thought you hated these shoes.”

“Unless I can do this.” His hand slid up my thigh and brushed my sex. “Pure torture, baby.” He stopped and pressed a wet kiss below my navel. “You.” Kiss. “These shoes.” Kiss. “Longest. Fucking. Rounds. Ever.”

I bit my lip as my flesh trembled. He remembered.

Suddenly I was flushed, and the heat radiated from my sex through my body. I panted, “Mmm. Good, no more ballet flats.”

“You wear heels like this, just know ... I’m going to fuck you. Wherever, whenever,” he growled.

I whimpered under a stare so intense I wanted to wiggle. “Touch me, Chase, please.”

“Ride me, baby ... I want to watch you, watch your body on top of mine.”

Those words gave me control. I hesitated. I was nervous. I wanted him so bad, but this entered uncharted territory. Selfish fuck-face never let me take control—why bother you don’t get off anyway. Always under him, I stared into empty eyes as he greedily sucked pleasure from me. Shit. I didn’t want Chase to relinquish his power; it was all I knew. I wasn’t ready. Years of someone controlling every sexual encounter haunted me. I stood frozen, caught in a familiar place of torment.

“Blue?” His tone was concerned. “Look at me, Lili.” Raw and exposed, I looked back into his eyes. “I want you, baby, only you. Give me you.”

I wanted to do this. I needed to give him me. When he controlled I enjoyed the ride, aroused and wanton, but me controlling was foreign. A place I had never been willingly. My hands trembled. I undid his belt buckle and drew his zipper down, palming his thick length. He was so hard. He shimmied his pants down and flashed a devilish grin, a reminder. Obviously, he was intent on following through with his double-digit nonsense. My boldness from the night before cowered in the corner. I hesitantly rubbed his length and thickness.

“Chase...” I saw the need in his eyes, but the uncertainty of my actions was paralyzing.

“Baby, that feels so good.” He read the thoughts stewing in my mind. He wanted me to touch him. “Come up here, I need your mouth on mine.” He sensed my apprehension. At his request, I dragged my hands under his shirt along his rigid chest, relishing in the feel of his pebbled nipples to connect our mouths. My touch was his arousal. Wow.

In one swift motion, his shirt broke our kiss and floated to the floor. I leaned down to press a kiss to his bare stomach. He moaned, deep and throaty. My trepidation slowly diminished. He grabbed a handful of my hair and slid me back up his body. I rubbed my wet and quivery sex along his smooth shaft.

“Oh baby, you’re soaked.” His lids lowered halfway down with erotic need. My sex throbbed unbearably. It was hard to fathom I did this to him.

He circled and rolled my nipples in a slow, sensual rhythm until the tiny pearls tightened to an almost painful level.

“I need you inside me,” I moaned.

“Top drawer, baby, a condom.” I grabbed the packet and went to hand it to him. “You do it, touch me.” My tremor returned. I ripped the foil and stroked his shaft, rolling it in place. “Sink into me.” We groaned in unison when I plunged down on top of him. His warm mouth wrapped around my breast and tugged my nipple. I clenched around his cock and sunk deeper until I felt it. The tip of his erection stroked my perfect spot. I rubbed him over and over that spot, slowly at first. My breath turned erratic, and I increased the pace. The overwhelmingly delicious sensation started in my toes, my thighs, my breasts, my pulsing sex, until it completely overtook my body.

“Give it to me, baby.” He tightened his hold on my hips and forcefully bucked, sending me into complete ecstasy. “That’s it. Ride me,” he growled louder.

“Oh god.” I came with a wild cry. My hips frantically pulsed and bucked. Before I came down from my high, he rolled on top of me. Goosebumps rose across my skin when his warm breath bathed my neck.

“Hands above your head.” His tone was dominant. It fed my arousal; I freaking loved it. He kneeled between my quivering legs and spread my thighs, wide. He slid back deep inside my sex, easing in and out. “Reach up, grab the bedpost.”

White knuckled, I braced with needy anticipation. Wanting more. Needing more.

“Feels ... too ... good.”

He leaned down and kissed the spot between my breasts. I arched high, urging him on. He dug his strong fingers into my flesh and thrust harder and faster. I couldn’t think. All I felt was the heat between us. Half mad with insatiable lust, my body matched his every thrust.

“So fucking tight, Blue.” His thick erection swelled even more, but he was holding back, trying not to hurt me. His desire to protect me jolted me to the core. My sex ached. My heart ached. I wanted all of him. Everything.

“Please, Chase. Don’t hold back, I need you, harder!” I pleaded, hoping he abandoned his self-control. As if my words were a shot of adrenaline to his chest, he powered inside with brutal force. My climax built with his deliciously punishing rhythm. He reached down and rubbed and squeezed me. The pressure, the insanely intense pressure, took me over the brink. “Chase, Chase!”

He pumped twice more, powerful and punishing pumps, and buried his face against my shoulder, biting down hard. His pelvis glued to my sex and he released fast and hard. I loved every second of it. He rolled us onto our side and discarded the condom.

“That was amazing,” I panted. Amazing didn’t even begin to cut it. Was there a word for mind-blowingly hot? For perfect?

He tucked me into his side. He was drenched with sweat; we were drenched with sweat. “This is only the beginning, Blue.” He kissed my temple. “Now, let’s get cleaned up, beautiful, before I actually tie that hot body to this bed and my small town girl misses a day in the city.”

I wasn’t sure what sounded better—being tied to this man’s bed or being called his girl. Damn, I liked the sound of both.

“You were hungry, huh?” He laughed.

“Um. I worked up an appetite, and besides, I’m pretty sure it aids in the healing process,” I quipped, popping the last bit of my insanely delicious crab cake sandwich into my mouth.

“Baby, I think we can both agree. You’re all healed.” He mischievously raised his brows. This man was sexy.

“So where to next, Dr. NYC?”

Not that I was in a rush. Ocean Grill was situated right across from the Museum of Natural History and Central Park. Our quaint sidewalk table provided the perfect view to people watch. It screamed NY, but not in an obnoxious touristy way. I loved it and Chase knew it.

“How’s a little shopping sound? I know a boutique on Fifth Avenue…”

In general, anything with the word boutique was totally out of my price range. And I knew enough about Manhattan to know anything Fifth Avenue was definitely out of my league. Crap.

“How about Bloomingdale’s?” Still a little above, but I felt like splurging.

His phone vibrated, luckily distracting him enough to agree with me. “Sure. Sounds good.” He held his phone up. “I’m gonna grab this.” I nodded. “Hey Ash, long time no talk.” His silver eyes brightened as his mouth curved slightly. “Yeah, I’m in town for the weekend, came in this morning.” He leaned on his elbow and grabbed his forehead. “That’s tomorrow ... no fucking chance ... yeah, yeah, I know. You’re going?” He leaned back in the chair and gazed toward the park. “Hey listen, let’s not talk about this right now ... you have plans tonight? Great ... there’s someone I want you to meet. Why don’t you swing by and meet us for a drink. How’s eight ... Asiate ... yeah, yeah you’ll meet her tonight. Later, Ash.” He ended his call and met my curious stare.

“That was a good friend, Asher. Don’t get to see him much. He’s in town too, do you mind if we grab a drink with him before dinner?” He continued without waiting for my response. “I can cancel. I should’ve asked you first, but I really want him to meet you.” His nervous banter was adorable. This was a totally new side of him. My heart fluttered, he genuinely cared for my opinion. And he wanted to introduce me to an old friend? The flutter got faster.

“Chase, I would love to meet him. Really. It sounds like fun and maybe I can learn a bit more about Dr. Mystery.” I winked. “Why doesn’t he join us for dinner too?”

“Baby, if he wasn’t my best friend, we wouldn’t even be having a drink. Not sharing.” He chuckled. “Let’s get out of here.” He brushed his lips against mine. “Come.”

The rest of the afternoon, Chase dazzled me with all things New York. He redefined shopping. It was alarmingly clear that money was not an issue to Chase. At all. I grew up poor, but spent enough time around Sierra to recognize serious wealth and not be intimidated by it. Money was just that. Money. It bought things, not people. And definitely not happiness.

I was, however, a little surprised at the level of Chase’s wealth. We weren’t talking successful neurosurgeon wealth, but more like mega-millions winner wealth. And he was beyond generous. By the second store I gave up attempting to pay. There was zero chance I was winning that argument.

I’d be totally lying if I said I didn’t enjoy his over-the-top shopping spree. But Dr. Rich didn’t hold a candle to Dr. Sexy, Playful or Affectionate.

Four very large and very heavy shopping bags later, I was one very spoiled girl. Too spoiled. I told him half a dozen times that his generosity made me uncomfortable. The first time his response was a little odd. “I can’t spend it or give it away fast enough, baby.” As if “it” was a dirty word. The other five times he ignored me and grinned. Dr. Rich liked what he liked and didn’t take no for an answer. To hell with price tags. And it just so happened, Chase definitely liked heels. Oh-my-god killer heels, to be exact. Despite my best protest against the holy shit, this could be a down payment price tag, I was the proud owner of my first pair of slingback camel peep toe Louboutins. And because I was spoiled, a pair of classic black patent Jimmy Choo pumps.

The kid inside me couldn’t wait to call or text Sierra, but Chase rubbed off on me. This was our time. No interruptions. I wasn’t in the mood to share either.

“So which pair are you wearing tonight?” Hmm. I loved his voice.

We strolled through Central Park with our hands entwined, sipping iced coffee. Somehow not carrying any bags. Dr. Colton, would you like your purchases delivered to the Dakota? What did that even mean? They’ll be waiting for you when you get home, Miss.

“Why do you care?” I retorted.

“I don’t. But I might need to reserve the table by the bathroom in case we need to excuse ourselves.”

“You’re such a tease.” I batted my eyelashes and definitely blushed.

“I’m not teasing. If you don’t stop doing that, I’ll take you on that park bench.”

My breath caught and I giggled. I clasped my arms around his waist and kissed his chin. He matched my embrace.

He glanced at his watch.

“Am I boring you?” I loved how lighthearted our banter had become.

“Never, Blue, but we should head back if we’re going to be on time.” Add Dr. Punctual to the list. He tugged my earlobe into his mouth and sucked. “And I want to make sure I have enough time to up your tally before drinks.”

While biting my tongue and gripping my thighs together, Chase easily added one to my tally on the cab ride back. My thong count, on the other hand, decreased by another.

“Hmm, this is starting to become a habit.” He stuffed my ripped thong into his jeans pocket. I slunk from the cab, careful not to spread my legs too far apart, silently thanking Sierra again. She’d insisted I borrow her adorable cocoa halter dress for the summer season. At least I changed my dress from earlier and avoided replaying the light colored fiasco.

“Chase, I realize you like me pantiless,” I whispered, getting onto the elevator. “But I think you’ve ruined at least five pairs and it hasn’t even been twenty-four hours yet.” He laughed out loud and the tenant in the front of the car peeked over her shoulder. “Shhh. You’re disturbing the tenants and I would really like to be invited back.”

“Oh really, and who’s inviting you back?” He quietly taunted. “The wrinkly guy on the fifth floor might need some company, I can press five. What floor did you need, ma’am?” he said, raising his voice. I grabbed his hand and grinned. I was definitely falling hard for Dr. Playful.

“Chase, can I tell you something?”

“Sure, baby, anything.” He tucked me into the crook of his body, a place I was growing very fond of and kissed my temple.

“I haven’t been this happy in a long time, thanks.”

“Me either.”

His eyes softened as he led me into his bedroom. “I want to show you something.”

Hanging in his closet was my new wardrobe. My splash of color infiltrated his dark palate. “I thought maybe you could leave some of your new clothes here.” My butterflies awoke and fluttered. “I mean, if you want.” He was nervously rambling again. I smiled wide and nodded as tears pricked the back of my eyes. Speech was impossible. I turned in an attempt to compose myself, but he snaked his arms around my waist and kissed my neck. “It means a lot to me, baby.” I melted more. “I have another surprise for you in the top drawer over there.”

I looked toward his built-in, eleven-drawer dresser and pushed my emotion aside. “Sierra would go ape shit for this closet.” It was the size of my studio. Literally.

“And just when I thought you were going to say something sentimental.” He sighed. I shrugged. If he only knew what his statement had done to me. “You seem to always keep me guessing.” He directed me toward the dresser. “I had the top two cleaned out and filled just for you.”

Wait, when did he do that and who was cleaning out his drawers? “Filled?”

“I figured since I was playing a large role in ruining your panties, the least I could do was replace them.”

“You didn’t have to do that, I was just teasing you before. Wait, when did you-?”

“Blue, I could have finished two craniotomies in the time you spent fooling around in the dressing room this afternoon. And as far as saying I didn’t have to do it, you’ll learn soon enough that I only do things I want to do ... and spoiling you just became my new favorite pastime. Go look, see how I did.”

I opened the first drawer to gorgeously arranged color-coordinated silk thongs. Whoever folded these must have had a part time job at Victoria’s Secret.

“Chase, you’re crazy. What’d you buy, every color?”

“I didn’t know, baby, it’s the first time I’ve bought women’s underwear.” I liked the sound of that. “Hold one up, make sure it’s what you like.” He cocked his head and raised his eyebrows.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” I grabbed a tiny white lace thong and held it up. I gasped. “Chase. Oh. My. God. Are these ... oh my god.” The heat hit my cheeks then quickly found its home between my legs. “Crotchless?”

“What, you sound surprised. I need access. Figured instead of ripping pair after pair, these would be perfect.” OMG.

“Um...” I giggled, feeling like a naughty schoolgirl.

“What, beautiful, cat got your tongue?” He rubbed his thumb across my cheek. “I fucking love when you blush.” He pulled me closer, dipping down to suck on my bottom lip. His erection strained against my stomach.

“Um, I could help you out with something,” I teased.

“This is what you do to me. You’re always so fucking sexy, and you don’t even know it.” My legs weakened and my sex flamed. “Now go, get your pretty little ass in the shower before I take you right here on the closet floor.”

“Hmm, I could be persuaded.” I pressed my hips forward and ran my tongue up his neck sucking his bottom lip into my mouth. That was such a freaking sexy gesture.

“Go, and if you’re lucky, I’ll join you.” He peeled my arms from his neck and swatted my ass. “You’ll find everything you need in the bathroom, drawers on the right are for you.”

I knew exactly what he meant. I guess it’s true what they say about surgeons, no detail goes left unturned.

10

Beneath your beautiful

I smiled in the bathroom mirror and put the finishing touches on my lip gloss. I almost didn’t recognize the woman staring back at me. And not because I was up to nine orgasms—well, that might be part of it. And not because of the new Roberto Cavalli dress Chase snuck in when I wasn’t looking. The dress was stunning, bold and vibrant and screamed alive. It fit perfectly and depicted exactly how I felt. Alive. The one shoulder silk chiffon loosely hugged my body, accentuating my subtle curves, while the blue and green exotic feather print made my fair skin glow bronze. Its loose skirt fell high on my thighs, and although it was much shorter than what I normally wore, it magically lengthened and toned my legs. It was beautiful and sexy. I felt beautiful and sexy. He made me feel beautiful and sexy.

Everything was happening so fast. Two weeks ago this man was nothing but a stranger. An intimidating, intense stranger. Now he was someone I couldn’t imagine my life without. The old me would have run out the door, scared shitless. Actually, the old me wouldn’t have even made it this far. Yet here I was, decked out in couture, compliments of an insanely hot rich mystery man that melted my panties off with one look. A man that in less than twenty-four hours redefined intimate. A man who happened to be my boss. Monday morning was going to be awkward. I refused to let those thoughts invade my brain. The new me was living in the moment.

I stepped out and met silence. I plucked up my shiny new Louboutins and went to find him.

“Hey you. Ready?”

He leaned against the tall kitchen window, lost in thought, twilight reflected off the sleek cherry wood and islands of white marble, making it feel hours earlier. My heart skipped a beat. He was beautiful. He made jeans and an un-tucked white button down look heavenly.

He didn’t stifle his intense stare as he eyed me up and down. “You’re beautiful, Blue. You take my breath away.”

I closed our distance.

“Thank you for the dress, for everything, for all of this. You really didn’t have to...”

He cupped my cheeks. “I’d spend every penny I have to see your eyes look that blue.”

“Wait—that’s why?” It hit me. Blue.

“Blue, when you walked in my OR in those scrubs, baby, I swear I almost lost my fucking mind.”

So that was why he freaked.

“But you made me change them.” I scrunched my nose and pretended to pout.

He responded by kissing it. “Baby. Think about what I do for a living. That’s a seriously dangerous distraction.”

“Well, if I’m such a distraction, Doctor, why have me in the room at all?” I bit my bottom lip.

“Because wondering where you are, what you’re doing, imagining these soft lips sipping one of your girly coffee drinks, or picturing you twisting your hair up in that messy ponytail thing you do. Fuck, Blue. That distraction could be deadly.”

The knot burned the back of my throat. I fought to swallow. “Are you real? If this is all a dream, god, I hope I stay asleep.” I covered his hand and pressed my cheek against his warm palm.

“Sleep’s overrated, baby.” His smile melted my heart. He kissed me. A slow, tender kiss. He lifted me up and rested my very exposed bottom on the cold marble. Some areas colder than others. Chase grabbed the shoes from my hand, knelt down and slipped each shoe over my arch. Desire filled his eyes.

“Probably not a work shoe then, huh?”

“Ya think?” He growled and kissed my exposed thighs before standing up. “Let’s go. I promised my gorgeous distraction a night out.”

I scooted off the counter.

“Thought you didn’t like to share.”

“Oh baby, trust me. Other than a quick drink with Asher, I have no intention of it.”

“Good.” Really freaking good, actually.

After the day Chase planned, I should not have been surprised to find a Lincoln town car waiting downstairs. Or when the driver pulled up in front of the coolest pair of towering skyscrapers I assumed was the Time Warner Center. Why wouldn’t we meet for drinks on the thirty-fifth floor of the Mandarin Oriental Hotel at some sick restaurant I couldn’t pronounce, a sophisticated glassed-in perch that overlooked Central park, Columbus Circle and the mesmerizing skyline? Princess-for-a day was an absolute understatement.

“This place is nice. Couldn’t find somewhere a little fancier, maybe a better view?” I couldn’t resist.

“Keep it up, baby. This seems to be becoming a habit. I’m gonna have to find something to do with that sassy mouth of yours.” He smirked.

“Promise?”

Chase shook his head and smiled as the waiter interrupted. “Good evening, Dr. Colton. Can I get you something to drink while you look over the menu?”

“Thank you, but we’re not dining this evening. Just drinks. We’re also expecting one more.” His casual confidence was a serious turn on.

“Of course, sir. Would you like to see the wine list?”

“Actually, would you happen to have any vintage Sake? My lovely girl has a craving.” Chase winked at me. Very funny.

“It’s not on the wine list, sir, but I’m sure we can have a bottle brought in immediately.”

“No, no, thank you. That’s fine. I’m sure I can find a way to satisfy her craving later.” He turned and looked straight at me. “If that sounds pleasing to you, baby?”

“Um, please don’t go to any trouble on my account. Actually I think my thoughtful date misunderstood my craving. I can wait until dinner.”

“Very well then, can I interest you in a cocktail, bottle of wine or champagne?”

“Champagne. We’ll take a bottle of the ‘89 Krug Collection.”

“Excellent choice, sir, anything else?”

“Maybe a cheese plate with an aged balsamic, please.” His eyes were adorably playful. “I wouldn’t want you to drink on an empty stomach, baby, I know how sensitive you can be.”

“Of course, sir. I’ll bring it right out.” The waiter practically ran from our quaint table, leaving us alone with our sexual tension.

“I think you made our waiter blush.” Me too, for that matter.

“Baby, he turned that color as soon as I caught him watching you cross those very exposed, sexy legs. I’m sure he was hoping to sneak a peek of what’s mine. And for the record, that dress is probably not going to see the outside of our bedroom ever again.” He lifted his sparkling water and took a sip.

The whole mine and our comment never had a chance to sink in because I was mortified, remembering the panties I wore. Reading the expression on my face, Chase added, “Unlucky for him, but very lucky for me, the tablecloth here had my back. Otherwise we wouldn’t still be sitting here.” Damn, that wink disarmed me. Luckily the sommelier returned quickly with our champagne while another server delivered our cheese plate.

“Hmm. Champagne. Are we celebrating?” I held my glass of bubbly up. Chase nodded, as he smelled his glass.

“In that case, to cravings!”

“To double digits!”

We clinked and took a sip. I clenched my legs tightly together, aware that my new panties left my gorgeous designer dress vulnerable to a wet spot. I blushed again.

We were having so much fun talking and flirting, I almost forgot we were meeting Chase’s friend. His eyes lifted and brightened, making contact with a suited gentleman rounding the corner. His tawny short hair framed a very handsome face. His lips turned up slightly, seemingly to acknowledge my presence. Chase stood watching his brisk approach.

“Ash, buddy, I’m so glad you could make it.” The two men shook hands and embraced in a man-hug, slapping each other’s backs. I smiled watching Chase’s affectionate sentiment.

“C, it’s been too long, we’ve got to get back here more often.”

Chase glanced over his shoulder. I placed my napkin on the table and stood.

“I might have another reason to come more often, this one seems to like New York.” Chase nodded in my direction. “Ash, this is my girlfriend, Lili Porter. Lili, this is Asher Craig.”

Girlfriend. Holy shit, he said girlfriend. We hadn’t talked about our relationship. My breath caught instantly.

“It’s a true pleasure.” Asher gracefully kissed my cheek, and we sat. Chase scooted his chair next to mine so he could relax his arm around me, a total possessive-man gesture. And I loved it.

“So bro, looks like I don’t have to ask. Philly seems to be treating you very well.” Asher smiled and nodded in my direction. “Guess I should stop trying to get you to reconsider Beantown, ha?”

A server appeared to fill a flute for Asher.

“Boston?” I questioned.

“Technically, but work has me split, and I spend a good amount of time here. Now thanks to this clown, I have to add Philly to the mix.” Asher smiled.

“Oh, what do you do?”

Chase cut in and answered for him, “Ash is a finance lawyer, he also looks after some of my interests.”

“Ha. I guess you could say that. More like, I make it possible for pretty boy here to spend his day playing doctor.” That was a strange thing to say. “Lili, you should have bossman bring you up, give you a tour of the facility. It’s pretty impressive. Ever been to Boston?” Now I was confused.

Chase noticed, because he jokingly dismissed Asher. “Why? So we can sound as ridiculous as you? Doct-AH. BAW-ston.” His imitation was cute.

“You’re an ass,” Asher said and we all chuckled.

“Nice.” Asher recognized the champagne label. “You shouldn’t have on my account,” he said, teasing Chase.

Chase reached down and squeezed my thigh. “Lili’s about to reach a benchmark. A little anticipatory celebration never hurt.” Oh no he didn’t.

“Oh. Good stuff. Congrats. In that case, let’s get another bottle.” Asher turned to signal the sommelier for a second bottle of the champagne he seemed impressed by. I got the pause I needed to change the subject. Fast. My face was on fire.

“Um, I’ve been to Boston, a few times. It’s great. My best friend’s family has a house in Cape Cod, and I spent many summers with them when I was younger. I actually almost moved there to finish my master’s.”

“You did? I didn’t know that. Why didn’t you go?” Chase asked, looking sincerely interested and disappointed at the same time.

“Oh, a funding issue. My grant fell through.” Sort of. It wasn’t really a lie. I fought the bile rising in my throat from the memories flooding my brain. Hell, I wasn’t going to let the past ruin this night, or any other night for that matter. “Wound up in Philly instead, but I do love Boston. How could ya not? After all, it’s home to the Baw-ston Bruins.” I smiled and Asher laughed.

“Gorgeous and a hockey fan. How did this loser get so lucky?”

“Jealous much? I’ve got to tell you, man, it’s not your best look.” It was great to see Chase in this atmosphere, relaxed and joking with his good friend.

“Speaking of jealous—fuck, man. I can’t believe I got roped into going to this fucking birthday party tomorrow. My parents pulled the damn guilt card. We know how busy you are, son, but since you’re in town and if it’s not too much, cause you know our health hasn’t been what it was … how the hell do you say no to that? It’s gonna be fucking torture,” Asher said, rolling his eyes in disgust. Then he chuckled and smacked Chase in the chest. “Sure you don’t want to make an appearance and save my ass?”

“No chance,” Chase deadpanned. Whoever’s party they were referring to sounded less than charming with no takers.

Asher shot back the last of his flute. “No offense, C, but I have no clue how my parents are even friends with those people.”

“None taken.” Chase followed suit and drained his glass.

I missed something. “Whose birthday party is it?” I asked.

Asher pointed his finger at Chase and raised his brow. “His mother’s.”

“Your mother?” No time to filter, I blurted out.

Chase went cold and expressionless. His eyes lost their beautiful playful shine, glazed over with intensity. “Drop it,” he hissed at Asher.

“Wait, your mother’s birthday party is tomorrow and you’re not going?” And you just let your best friend berate her at the table. Luckily, my filter kicked back on and I let that last part bounce around my head instead of off my tongue. Chase hadn’t mentioned his family at all.

“Lili, I don’t know what your relationship with your mother’s like, but guessing not as dysfunctional as the Colton clan. Be glad you’re not going tomorrow.” He shifted focus back to Chase. “I’m just fucking around, man. I wouldn’t show up either if I were you.”

I didn’t know why, but Asher’s words struck a tender chord. Chase never mentioned his family. I knew absolutely nothing about their dynamic, but I didn’t love how nonchalant Asher sounded when he referred to Chase’s obviously strained relationship. The man I’d just spent the past twenty-four hours with was not cold or callous, so far from it. He must have had his reasons, and I could only imagined how heavily they weighed on him.

“Um, you’re right. I’m really not the best person to ask. My mother died when I was two. Ten minutes with her sounds heavenly, but every family is different. I’m sure Chase has his reasons.”

I squeezed Chase’s thigh just like he had done to me, hoping he felt my support, letting him know the tablecloth wasn’t the only thing that had his back. I did. Even if I didn’t agree and couldn’t imagine not wanting to be around your mother.

Asher’s face fell. “Ah Lil, I’m so sorry to hear that. I didn’t mean to sound like an insensitive ass.”

“You never mentioned it, baby.” Chase pulled me closer and kissed my temple, proving me right. So far from cold and callous.

I didn’t want this to be about me. “I was little when she died, I really don’t remember her at all. But my dad has been amazing. He remarried just a couple of years back. I don’t know anything different.” I smiled thinking about how I really needed to check in on my dad. “He constantly reminds me how much I look just like her,” I paused. “It’s good and bad.” I swallowed hard, three glasses of champagne caught up to me. Damn. I busied myself with cutting a small piece of cheese.

“What time’s the party tomorrow, Ash?”

“Brunch, at eleven.”

“We’ll make an appearance,” Chase said. Asher looked puzzled, as was I. I hoped he wasn’t doing this on my account.

“Ha, who knew, hell froze over?”

Chase grinned. “You’re such a dick.” And then changed the subject. “Are we really stuck sharing another bottle of champagne with you? You’re picking up the tab.”

“Whatever, C, can’t help bustin’ your balls. Hey, speaking of balls, when do I get to crush yours in the ring?” My head snapped up, eying both of them with eyebrows raised. “Oh, what, hobbies haven’t come up yet either, C?”

“What hobby?” I asked, rubbing my hand across his back.

“It’s nothing, Blue, this asshole likes to talk a good game.”

“Bullshit, C. You’re awesome, fucking stupid, but awesome. Lil, you should come watch us sometime.” My curiosity piqued, I shifted my body toward Chase with wide eyes.

“I’m waiting.” I squeezed his hand. “Asher, you tell me, Chase obviously isn’t interested.”

“We box.” Dr. Jealous caved. “It started when we were kids. We used to fight a lot, good-natured fun. We got older and now it’s just a sport and a good workout. If we’re not fighting each other, we usually just hit the bags.”

Something told me this wasn’t just a workout. “Then why are you fucking stupid?” I repeated Asher’s choice of words, well, just that part because the awesome part went without saying. Was there anything this man didn’t excel at?

“How many surgeons do you know that fight for a workout?” Asher had a point, it sounded a little strange.

“You’re such a fucking pussy, just pissed I kicked your ass last time.” Chase sneered.

“Whatever, I don’t give a shit if you break a hand, then you could run your own goddamn company.”

What company? I was missing the whole conversation.

“Um. I really don’t know much about fighting, are we talking something really aggressive?”

Chase and Asher answered at the same time. Chase: “No.” Asher: “Yes.”

I took a deep breath and tried not to think about all the reasons boxing was a really bad idea. “Hmm.” I raised my eyebrows at their contradicting answers. “Just tell me you don’t really hurt each other.”

“Well, I wouldn’t really say that.” Asher shrugged and took a sip of his champagne.

“That’s enough, Ash,” Chase sputtered, glaring in his direction.

“Where do you guys do all this fighting?” I questioned.

“A place down on West Fourteenth.” So much for Asher keeping quiet.

“I want to check it out, maybe I can hit a bag for a bit.”

Chase puffed his chest and grounded his teeth together in fury.

“First of all, baby, there is no way in hell I would let you prance around in that gym wearing those tiny ass workout clothes. You nearly gave me a heart attack when I saw you running that day. Every asshole in the place would drool all over himself, wanting what’s mine. Shit.” He banged his hand on the table. “I would definitely have a fucking broken hand.”

I tilted my head and smiled, cringing at his sudden outburst.

“Don’t you smile at me, baby, I’m dead serious. You want to try boxing? You get a private lesson from me.” Oh boy, Dr. Possessive.

“Damn, Chase, settle down. You’re getting all possessive and shit,” Asher chimed in.

Chase sighed. “You find something you want, Ash, you come talk to me.”

My heart skipped another beat, too many more and an arrhythmia was in my future.

“Fine. I get it, C. You’re head over heels.”

Chase pushed his chair out and stood, completely dismissing Asher’s comments. “Be back in a minute.” And he walked away.

“Wow, Lili, I’ve never seen him like this.”

This was the only Chase I knew. “Like what?” I anticipated Asher’s response.

He leaned back in his chair and wrapped his arms across his chest. “He’s determined.”

“Determined to what?” I questioned, shifting uncomfortably in my chair.

“Win you over.”

“Listen, Asher, this is new to us, it hasn’t been that long and we’re just starting to figure stuff out.”

“Well, want some inside scoop? Chase is anything but an open book. If you think he shares easily, you’re sadly mistaken. You wanna know something, you’re gonna have to pry it out.”

I tried to shake the feeling of discomfort constricting my temples.

“He had a pretty shitty life after…” Asher’s eyes snapped up and he stopped mid-thought. “Anyway, he’s a great guy and he’ll treat you like gold.”

I shoved a loose strand of hair behind my ear, feeling oddly anxious at Asher’s unfinished thought.

“Hope you’re talking nice, prick.” Chase slapped Asher on the back and reclaimed his position next to me.

“Just telling her what a great catch you are.” Asher shot me a sly smile, his green eyes brightened.

“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” Chase interjected. “I’m done sharing and we have a dinner reservation.”

“Okay, ass, I’ll take that as my not-so-subtle cue to get the hell out of here.” Asher laughed. “Let’s split the tab.” He tossed his credit card across the table.

“It’s paid.”

“Damn moneybags, let’s meet for drinks more often.” Asher smiled and stood up.

I glanced at the champagne label, making a mental note to check it out online. I smoothed my dress and joined Chase, standing to say our goodbyes.

“Lili, you’re gorgeous.” I blushed. “Such a pleasure to meet you, hope to see you tomorrow.” He winked and looked toward Chase. “Buddy, as always.” They shook hands. Asher gripped his shoulder.

“See you tomorrow ... now go, asshole, before I change my mind. Oh, and set up a time I can kick your ass. I’ll send you my call schedule next week.”

“Bye, Lili.”

“Bye, Asher.”

He left our table grinning from ear to ear. Chase’s hand found its home on my inner thigh.

“Well, that was fun,” I said.

“Oh, was it? Glad you enjoyed yourself,” he sarcastically clipped.

“What, you didn’t have fun? You and Asher seem to have such a great relationship. It’s really nice to see you interact with a buddy, Chase, or should I say, C.” My lips turned up slightly, only to be rewarded with a soft wet kiss.

Our Lincoln town car whisked us the rest of the short uptown ride, stopping directly in front the Museum of Natural History.

“You still hungry?”

“Starved. Is this the museum?”

He nodded and tucked me into his side, rubbing his hand down my arm. “You chilly? You have goosebumps.”

“Not cold, more like this is what you do to me.” That got me a very public, very passionate kiss on the museum steps. I smiled into his mouth, swirling my tongue to meet his. A deep throaty groan was my reward. I dove deeper, leaving me breathless.

“I’m gonna eat you if we don’t get inside.”

“Hmmm.”

“Don’t hmmm me, let’s go.” Chase dragged me the rest of the way up the steps.

“Are we eating in the museum?”

“You’ll see.”

We pushed through a revolving door to stare up at a giant fossilized dinosaur. My mouth dropped open. I must have looked like the biggest child.

“Dr. Colton, Ms. Porter, would you mind following me through to the Hayden Planetarium?” A gentleman dressed like a waiter ushered us through another set of double doors.

It took me a minute to realize the museum was totally closed. “Oh my god, Chase, you rented the whole museum?”

He snickered.

“Anything for you, let’s eat.” We entered the planetarium to find a small table set for two under a sky full of stars. Tears filled my eyes as my arrhythmia kicked in. Not in my wildest dreams. Ever.

“Chase, oh my, it’s so romantic.”

He pulled my chair out, inviting me to sit down.

“Was going to have sushi sent in, but I saw you eying Asiate’s menu, so I asked your waiter friend to set us up with the tasting menu. We get to sample everything with a wine pairing.”

“That sounds wonderful, everything on the menu looked so yummy.” I giggled. “You trying to get me drunk, mister, and take advantage of me?”

“A man can only try.”

Oh god, please try.

Our server brought us our first course. Six courses later, we stared at the most decadent looking chocolate crémeux with lemon gelato.

“Yum. I’m stuffed. Everything was delicious.”

“Let’s dance.” The soft background music rose several decibels. I was shocked. Music was such a cause of tension for him. He drew me close and buried his face in my neck. Our bodies clung together, swayed and rocked to the sensual beat. He tangled his hands in my hair and feasted on my mouth. He rotated his strong hips to the music creating an inferno that had me lightheaded and breathing hard.

“This dress, Blue.” He ran his hands down the entire length of my body, palming my ass. He snuggled closer, bending his knees to grind his hips into me a little harder. I moaned. And I thought sucking on my lip was sexy. Absolutely no comparison to his rhythmic grinding. “You look so fucking sexy. Your eyes, baby, like the color of the sky.” At that moment, the tiny white twinkling stars above our heads changed to a field of color. “It’s starting, let’s find a seat.”

“What’s starting?”

“The laser light show, special just for us.”

“With music?” I questioned, still surprised.

“I know how much you love it, baby.”

I smiled softly and rested my head against the back of the seat. The narrow beams of colorful light drawing intricate patterns and images across the sky mesmerized me. The light seemed to dance with the music. Its iridescence was choreographed to melodies ranging from rock to classical, but the final song in all its beauty caught my attention. The words were emotionally poignant. They described my life ... my wall ... Chase.

He repeated a line of Labrinth’s “Beneath Your Beautiful” in my ear.

Take what off? See inside where? My panties were crotchless for a reason or they would have melted off. Crazy hot. I wanted him. I wanted this. He proved to me today that he wanted me. But there was so much left unsaid; this man was a walking mystery. I questioned whether I could ever give my whole self over to someone ever again, physically, emotionally, sexually.

“Where are we going?”

He cradled me in his arms, leaving my unanswered questions shoved to the side.

“Somewhere private.” He ducked down a dark hallway, stopping in a tiny alcove. “Out of the view from the surveillance cameras.” A shiver of excitement slid down my back. “I feel those goosebumps baby.” A small red exit sign hanging above illuminated his smile.

“This evening, Chase—it’s been a dream. How’d you plan all this?”

“We’re not in this corner for talking, Blue, we have some unfinished business, and I’m determined to keep up my end of the deal.” His sparkling gaze and heated words furthered the thrill and anticipation of what we were about to do. I tried to calm my heart and slow my breathing, both of which had kicked into overdrive. He placed me down, only to cup my cheeks and dive for my lips. My mouth parted to worship his tongue, drinking his flavors of wine mixed with chocolate. His taste was so scrumptious I couldn’t help but suck and lick, deepening the kiss. His hand reached the hem of my dress and dipped underneath, quickly finding the edge of my thong.

“Hmm, perfect access.”

I giggled at the thought of me standing in such a public place in nothing but my crotchless panties. I gasped at the reality of the situation, reaching fruition, knowing my boyfriend and his unrelenting ways. He dragged his fingers through my wetness. I moaned and rolled my hips spontaneously. After nine life-altering orgasms, my body was just as needy and achy as the first time. Holy shit was I addicted.

“Hold this up, baby.” I took the edge of my dress and held it up around my waist. “Damn did I invest well.” He planted a wet kiss right below my navel and languidly trailed wet kisses directly to my sex. He placed my leg over his shoulder and I flashbacked to this morning. The morning felt like ages ago. Time blurred. My mind trailed behind my very responsive body. His tongue brought me to the edge repeatedly, only to ease off. I begged and whimpered for more. I grabbed his hair and attempted to hold him right where I needed him.

“I know, baby ... I know what you want.” He clamped down over the spot I needed him most and pulse after pulse of pure heaven rolled through me. He held tight to my hips, lapping every last drop of my pleasure.

“Chase, oh god, I saw stars.” My legs trembled from the pure force of my orgasm. I clenched his shoulders for support.

“Fitting for the evening.” He chuckled as he found my mouth, giving me a taste of my pleasure. I moaned in spite of myself. “You taste so good.”

“Please, Chase, I need you.” I stroked him through his jeans, egging him on. He urgently undid his pants and pushed them down. I latched onto his hardening erection as he slowly pumped his hips against my hand. The burning need to have him deep inside was excruciating, and I couldn’t wait any longer. I positioned him at my entrance, begging him to fill me. Then I shocked myself: “I’m on the pill.”

“I know, that massive bag of yours couldn’t keep your pill case from rolling around my hardwood floor, but please tell me you are saying this now for a reason.”

“You knew, oh crap ... that was mortifying.”

I rolled my eyes and hung my head, meeting his forehead.

“Can we talk about how fucking adorable you were and how much I wanted you that night later? Truth, Blue, tell me if you’re sure, otherwise, I’ll stop.”

I believed him. I trusted him.

“I’m sure.”

He hoisted me up a little higher on the wall and sank himself into my slick hilt. My tight sensitive sheath clamped down around his warmth. Skin against skin, nothing between us.

“Fuck, you feel amazing, baby. Shit.” He slowly lifted my hips off his length only to thrust back in deeper. My head bumped the concrete wall. I struggled to control my frenzied breath. His mouth found that sensitive spot between my neck and shoulder. His teeth grazed my skin and an erotic growl released from his throat. I lifted my head up and stared into his eyes. They were carnal and wanton, displaying a need so raw. Our chemistry was electric. The sex was on fire.

It was difficult to describe our connection. He continued to pound into me at an accelerated pace. In a matter of seconds, I screamed his name, feeling his warm release deep inside me. It should have caused anxiety, but it actually gave me a crazy sense of security. Chase’s eyes looked calm, peaceful and sated. I collapsed into his chest, wishing he was naked. He wrapped me in a tight hug, caressing my head and kissing my hair. I listened to his rapid heartbeat.

After breaking our connection, he asked, “Did you like the show?”

“Which one?” I teased. I smoothed my dress and dragged a finger under each eye to clear my smudged mascara.

“Always something sassy, baby. Come.” He entwined our fingers and pulled me out of the alcove. “The freshly fucked face is one I’m growing to love.” He lightly brushed his lips across mine.

Love. Luckily, I was drifting in a haze of bliss and exhaustion and not in the mood to over analyze anything.

“Let me take you home.” I should have freaked about home too, but Chase’s giant bed was a great distraction.

11

Benchmarks

Chase was sound asleep when the morning sun streamed through the windows. He looked so peaceful lying on his side, his chin covered with morning stubble. Stunning. It took everything in me to not reach out and caress his face. I peeked at the clock. 8:15. This was probably the latest he’d slept in who knows how long. He deserved a few extra minutes after the night he gave me. And so much more.

I slipped out of bed and went to the kitchen. Leaning against the windows, waiting for the coffee to brew, I checked my phone for messages. Four voicemails and nine missed texts. All from Sierra, minus one from my dad. I didn’t bother listening. My dad checked in every Saturday afternoon, like clockwork. I’d call him back tonight when I had time to shoot the shit. And Sierra, well her last text said it all.

Asspuck. U better be in a sex induced coma

Call me so I know ur ok!

Loved her, but wouldn’t put sending out the National Guard past her. In her defense, the last time she saw me I was in the middle of a heated exchange with a very intense looking Chase. Probably not the best first impression. Good god, if she only knew.

Sorry. Better than ok :)

Call u when I get home. xo

Better-than-ok was the understatement of the century. More like off the freaking charts, too good to be true. Pinch me. I replayed the past thirty-six hours in high definition. Hands down, favorite movie of all time. Cross between romantic comedy and erotica. Lord, help me.

Reaching up for two mugs, new muscles ached. I remembered every maneuver and who to thank for the delicious burn. My Dr. Sexy. I liked the sound of that. Who knew? Possessiveness was contagious.

Fine- but u owe me details.

What was dr douche’s excuse for last wk?

I had no idea. Did it even matter?

Real nice.

Gonna talk to ur baby w that mouth?

Nice job avoiding the question.

At least say he made it up to u in a BIG way?

Definitely BIG. Huge:)

Goddamn it...ur making me contract

Better not be lying.

Don’t get ur womb in a tizzy.

Call u 2morrow…lunch?

Obviously!

All joking aside- sure ur ok ?

U know I’ll kick his ass if he hurts u-

Doesn’t matter how BIG he is.

No doubt. I knew what she was asking.

I know.

Thx :)

Xo

Sierra’s heart was in the right place and I hated to worry her. Her misguided guilt sliced me. My past was just that. Mine. Some things were beyond our control, beyond my control.

The Cuisinart chimed and the aroma of joe infiltrated my senses. I loved coffee, and my gut told me the same might be true of that man in the bedroom. I poured two mugs and decided Chase was right. Sleep was overrated.

I dropped our coffees on the dresser and climbed under the softest white cotton in existence. The smell of Chase and sex permeated the sheets; it was intoxicating.

I lay staring at every inch of him, completely overwhelmed, my body tingling. Even asleep, he was beautiful. Tall and muscular, but not bulky. Every muscle was sharply defined. His body took up half of the king-size bed, but his presence filled the entire room. I was thankful. This man gave me back a part of myself I had shut down. Screw that, he activated hardware I never knew existed. I never planned on Chase. Most of all, I was thankful that I felt all of it. He needed to know it.

My fingers tenderly traced his Romaji characters. First do no harm. Like he needed the reminder. I kissed his rock hard belly on my way down to claim my prize. Chase groaned, low and gravelly, and his hard cock swelled even more.

“What do you think you’re doing?” His voice alone made my nipples tight.

“Saying thank you.” I circled my tongue over his smooth tip. “Maybe you lost count.” I licked the length of his underside. “But I do believe you said double digits.” I licked down the length of his topside. “I believe we’re well into the teens.” I licked around the base of his head. “And I get anything, anything I want.” I ran my tongue up his rigid hard length once more and took him deep in my mouth.

He tightly tangled his hands in my long hair. “Ah fuck, Blue.” He guided me with hard tugs. My head rose and fell, alternating between sucking and licking. I took him even deeper, swallowing as much as I could. “Yes, baby, suck me.” The dominant strain of his voice was insanely arousing. His body’s response had my sex dripping. He tasted like heaven.

I never imagined getting so much from giving. Going down was usually my go-to plan when I wasn’t in the mood to have sex. Selfish fuck-face was easy enough to get off. I never let him finish in my mouth, so I never cared one way or the other. This was different. Everything with Chase was different. I fantasized about giving Chase this since the first night he refused me. Every lick. Every taste of him turned me on more. I increased my pace and he fought for control. His guttural groans got more intense. Suddenly he released the tight grip on my hair and bent over, forcefully grabbing my hips. He turned my body until I was positioned on top of him. Belly to belly, but head to toe. Sixty-freaking-nine. He spread my thighs wide, positioning me over his mouth like a surgical mask. Oh shit.

“You come first, or we come together ... understand?” It wasn’t a question. It was an order. And probably the sexiest thing I ever heard. “Answer me, Blue.” The heat from his breath against my sex almost sent me over the edge.

My lips released him just long enough to pant, “Understand.”

His mouth assaulted my sex, lapping me, teasing me.

My mouth went on autopilot, sucking like my life depended on it. I moaned each time his warm tongue circled my tight bud. Then he thrust his hard tongue in and out. I exploded. He gently kissed my trembling sex and held me tight while the wave crested.

He rocked my world for the umpteenth time, and I wanted more than anything to do the same for him. “Your turn, baby,” I whispered in the sexiest voice I could muster. Then I made a conscious effort to relax the back of my throat and take him as deep as possible.

“So fucking deep, you’re going to kill me. Next one’s together. Hear me?”

Next one. There was no way. I couldn’t handle any more. I just wanted to focus on him.

His lips sealed over me again and he started to suck with the most exquisite amount of pressure. Then his finger slid through my wetness reaching further back. I tightly clenched as much as my position would allow. Nervous and embarrassed. This was definitely entering unchartered territory.

“Relax, baby. I would never hurt you. Trust me.” There were those words again. Trust me. I didn’t know how or why, but I did. I trusted him completely with my body and knew he would only ever bring me pleasure. Part of me wanted to believe I trusted him with my heart too. I was tired of over thinking, doubting. I just wanted to feel.

I whimpered loudly, unable to make any other sound, and tried to relax. His gentle seeking gave way to a push and a harsh, burning stretch. A painful sensation replaced by unadulterated pleasure. I was in ecstasy, throbbing for release, sucking furiously and writhing, until we both crashed over. Coming hard. Together. Un-fucking real.

“Oh Chase. I never...” My throat knotted as unexplained emotions pummeled me. Vulnerable and exposed, I held tight against his thigh.

“Baby, come here.” He pulled me tight to his chest, gently caressing my shoulders and back. “That was amazing.” I felt his smile under his lips as he kissed my forehead. My eyes fluttered shut to hide my emotions. “Look at me. I didn’t hurt you, did I?” I opened my eyes to see his distress.

This man brought me to a place I never even thought possible. “Oh Chase. Oh god, no, please don’t think that,” I whispered in a soft, strangled voice. The tension in his shoulders visibly relaxed, relief evident in his eyes. “It’s just...” I paused to collect my thoughts. His thumb softly caressed my cheek as he quietly waited for me to continue. “It’s just, I mean I never ... um ... felt like this before.” My words were so simple, almost cheesy, but the magnitude of my emotions was palpable.

My body trembled as I clung to his chest. I wanted to be closer. I would have climbed into his body if I could. His hold never loosened. He stroked my back as the peaceful tranquility filled in around us. There was nothing but the sound of our breathing and synced pulse of our heartbeats. I crossed over the line; I took a small step over the heap of crumbled wall. This wasn’t just about passion and lust and desire, this was something more. This was a benchmark that I didn’t think possible and somehow I thought I passed it.

Chase was quiet and tense most of the car ride across town, other than a few quick calls checking in at the hospital. His mood definitely took a change and not for the better.

“All of your patients okay?” I almost forgot that Chase was never really off. He wasn’t technically on-call, but his patients were still ultimately his responsibility.

“Yeah, just some post-op pain management issues. That jackass Carl is covering for anesthesia this weekend. He fucking sucks. His head is always up his ass. I had him banned from all of my cases, but they’re telling me there is nothing I can do when he’s on weekend call.” He looked disgusted. “So my patients have to suffer. It’s ridiculous. You’d think he was paying for the Fentanyl, he’s so fucking cheap with drips. I drill fucking holes in their skulls. Does he think they’re making it up? Two of my post-ops were in so much pain their blood pressure skyrocketed. When they fucking stroke out, he’s not the one who has to explain to their kids why their dads are gorked.” He scowled. “Now my third year has to sit and babysit blood pressures all day instead of prepping my cases for tomorrow. Bullshit.”

I laced my fingers in his. I definitely felt my share of responsibility toward the foster kids I worked with back in Wrangel, but I couldn’t begin to fathom the weight surgeons like Chase carried on their shoulders.

“Hey, at least you know Guy’s there. He’ll be on top of it. You couldn’t ask for a better resident,” I said reassuringly as our town car came to a stop.

“Hmm. That remains to be seen. I’m far from convinced.” His voice was harsh, his eyes cold. Okay?

Our car door opened to yet another white-gloved gentleman. “Dr. Colton, Sir, nice to see you again. I assume you’re in town for your mother’s birthday.”

His body tensed and he tightened the death grip on my hand at the mention of his mother.

“Not exactly, but yes, we will be attending brunch this morning.” Chase glanced my direction, motioning with his eyes for me to exit the car. I slid toward the exit, grasping the extended white glove. I was thankful for the support since I was still a bit wobbly on my new shoes. Chase smoothly exited right behind me.

“Your package, Sir.” Our driver approached Chase and handed him a small gift bag.

“I appreciate you taking care of this for me, although not necessary.” Chase turned toward me and grabbed my hand. “Let’s get this over with,” he hissed in my ear. “I can think of far better ways to spend our time.”

I had absolutely no idea what I was about to encounter, but for some reason I didn’t think it was going to be pleasant.

Just steps from the other side of Central Park, on the corner of Park Avenue, was a prominent nineteen-story building. Bright green trees, creating a stark contrast to the art deco limestone exterior, lined it. The conservative edifice almost hid its luxury. Columns and a gated doorway that not so subtly hinted at the promise of silk sheets, and Picassos flanked the polished marble entry. Of course, his parents lived here.

The penthouse apartment door swung open as we made our approach. I had the feeling someone was looking through the peephole. The woman at the door held a startled expression. I assumed it was his mother. I definitely caught her off guard. It was obvious Chase had failed to mention he was bringing a guest. Her initial reaction of annoyance mirrored mine. I wished he had told them I was attending the party. But seconds later, her face softened as she joined her husband, who stood only inches behind her with a welcoming smile.

“Chase darling, you came.” She embraced him in a tight squeeze, kissing his cheek. Her soft blonde hair cut to a perfect bob encased perfectly shaped caramel-colored eyes. Her complexion sparkled and her skin was pulled tight. I’m sure living on Park Avenue definitely had its perks. Her team of plastic surgeons and dermatologists were conveniently situated just outside her door.

“Mother,” was all he said while handing her the small gift bag. “Dad.” Chase gripped the distinguished white haired man’s hand. Chase was the spitting image of his father. His stormy grey gaze was uncanny.

“Oh, darling, you shouldn’t have, you know I don’t need a thing.” She smiled wide, glancing in my direction.

Chase placed a reassuring hand on my lower back, coaxing me forward.

“Mom, Dad. This is Lili Porter. Lili, these are my parents, Constance and Gregory Colton.”

I smiled timidly, waiting for one of them to extend a hand in my direction.

“Oh, Chase. I didn’t know you had ... I mean you never mentioned anyone in your life.”

“What, Mother? You mean a girlfriend? Well, I do. And let’s not pretend that when we talk you ever ask me anything about my life.”

The encounter was definitely becoming awkward.

“Lili, please call me Greg.” Chase’s father pushed around his mother, extending a hand in my direction. Our clasp lingered a beat too long, giving me the creeps.

“Very nice to meet you, you have a very lovely home.”

Constance’s eyes penetrated me while bouncing from my shoes, to my dress, to my hair. Was I good enough for her son?

“Lili, dear. The pleasure is mine, any friend of my son’s is welcome in our home.” She hooked her arm through my elbow and directed me into the gallery. “Now Lili, what do you do for a living? I presume a single woman your age works and has not made a career out of seeking out rich, eligible bachelors.”

My eyes widened and I tasted the bitter bile at the back of my throat. The reason for Chase’s dislike was becoming evident.

“I am a case manager at the hospital Chase works at, actually.” I stressed the actually part. Was she for real?

She placed her index finger under her chin as if she was pondering what I said. “A case manager?” Her condescending tone was beyond irritating.

“Yes, Mother. A case manager, also known as a social worker. I’m sure that profession rings a bell, or do you need a reminder?” Chase sounded pissed, but Constance dismissively rolled her eyes, ignoring her son’s obvious warning.

The last thing I wanted was to be the source of more drama between Chase and his parents. “Chase, it’s fine. I’m sure your mother was just curious,” I lied.

Constance looked me up and down once more before she turned back to Chase. “Yes, darling, curious. How could I not be curious about the woman vying for my son’s attention? And from the looks of it, vying for your extended line of credit. To my knowledge, albeit limited in the area, social workers can’t usually afford ... couture.”

I was stunned, floored actually. Totally freaking flabbergasted. What a bi-atch. Shit. This was his mother.

“E-nough, Mother.” Chase articulated the words so slowly. It looked like fire should have been simultaneously spraying out of his mouth.

If her son’s blatant contempt affected her in any way, she definitely didn’t show it. She curled her Juvederm enhanced lips into a fake smile. “Greg darling, let’s give Lili the tour. Chase go say hello to our guests, they’re in the formal living room.”

“You go be with your guests, and I’ll show Lili around. We’ll come and say hello in a couple of minutes.” Chase possessively pulled me from his mother’s grasp.

Her eyes pinballed from her husband back to Chase.

“Constance, come, let’s mingle with our guests, give the kids a chance to settle in.” Chase’s father gripped her hand.

“Lili, I look forward to spending time with you,” she said on her exit.

“You as well,” I managed to squeak out before she disappeared down a long hall. I let the breath out that I hadn’t even realized I was holding.

“I’m so sorry, baby. I knew I should have never brought you here. She’s wicked. Please don’t let her scare you off.” His eyes were sad and pleading.

“She’s um … okay.” What could I say? She was his mother. “Don’t worry, she won’t scare me off. I promise.”

He laughed out loud and squeezed me tight.

“What’s so funny, lovebirds?” Asher strode up to us. “Glad you’re here. Between my parents and yours, I might put a bullet in my head.”

“Wow, that bad, huh?” I grinned.

“She just got a taste of my mother.”

Asher cringed and patted my back. “I’m sure Chase apologized. That’s all you can do with that woman, pick up after the tornado that swirls behind her ... anyway, I want to hear about the rest of your evening.”

“What are you, a fucking girl pining for gossip?”

“No, asshole, I just want to hear how your dinner was.”

“It was great, Asher, everything was delicious.” I got the feeling Chase had no intention of detailing our night’s highlights. “Chase was just about to show me around.”

Asher directed his attention back on Chase. “I can show her around. You better get your ass in there to say hello to everyone before your parents stroke out.”

“Fine. Lil, I’ll be right back and then we’ll get something to eat.” He placed a chaste kiss on my lips before stalking down the hall.

“Come, Lili, this way. I’ve got to show you the library, it really is impressive.”

I followed Asher through an arched doorway at the end of the gallery into a stunning dark wood paneled room with gorgeous inlaid hardwood floors. There were floor-to-ceiling books lining two of the walls and an outside wall of windows that overlooked Central Park. The view was amazing. But what caught my attention was a fourth wall that showcased a stunning brick wood burning fireplace and a beautiful deep stone mantel that housed a collection of what appeared to be family portraits. My eyes were drawn to a photo of a young teenage Chase with his arm casually draped around a stunning girl about the same age. Long blonde hair cascaded over her shoulders. Her head was tipped up, slightly peering directly into Chase’s bright eyes as she laughed. My heart raced at how alive he looked, how innocent and carefree. Their feet were buried in the sand, the ocean at their backs, as their sun kissed glow radiated happiness. The surrounding photos gave me a similar warmth. Some with his parents, but most were gorgeous beach action shots of the two as toddlers and young children; one unmistakably Chase and the other the unidentified blonde.

“They used to love it there.” Asher startled me as he spoke to my back. I wasn’t sure how to respond. I sensed I was supposed to know more than I did. “See that smile, Lili? He was happy then, and in a blink of an eye, it was gone.” I felt the heat from his body as he took a small step closer to me. “You brought it back. I saw it the other night when he smiled at you.” He turned me to face him. “I never thought I could see Chase happy again.”

His emotional words were penetrating. My mind spun with a million questions. Chase was hiding something. Was it the heaviness that occasionally filled his eyes?

My voice barely above a whisper, I asked, “Is that his sister?”

Asher’s shoulders visibly tightened. “Yes. He never mentioned her to you?” I subtly shook my head no. He abruptly turned on his heel, cursing under his breath. I shifted on my instantly wobbly legs. My stomach sunk. Asher paced back and forth in front of the glass-lined wall before finally stopping to stare out the window. “Damn him.” He ran a hand through his tawny hair before giving me the words I dreaded. “She’s dead.” I audibly gasped, wrapping my arms tightly around my waist. “He never told you he had a sister?” My eyes filled. “They were twins, inseparable.”

At those words I inhaled a sharp, painful breath. Flashing in front of my eyes were our conversations and the tension surrounding music. Small pieces of the puzzle were fitting together, but the photo of our patient Kelly’s twins was at the forefront. He shut down that day.

“When?” I needed to know. How long had he suffered?

“She was ... um ... twenty-one.” Asher turned around and met my gaze. His eyes softened at my obvious sorrow. I was saddened to learn that Chase had a twin sister who died, but what distressed me more was the fact he hadn’t trusted me enough to tell me. Shit. Fifteen years.

“What happened?” I asked.

“There was a car accident.” A tear rolled down my cheek. Asher gripped my elbow and led me to the high wingback chair that faced the fireplace. “Sit.” I followed his command and eased myself down into the chair.

“Why didn’t he tell me?”

Asher shrugged and looked away.

“Why didn’t I tell you what?” A deep intense voice came from the doorway. “What’s going on?” His face was obscured from my view, but I heard the flaming intensity in his breath. Asher directed his eyes toward the mantel not speaking a word. Chase let out a small ragged sigh. His footsteps stopped directly behind my chair. “I’ve had enough. I’m done here. This was a mistake. We should have never come here.” He crouched in front of my chair and looked at me. “You’re crying, baby?” He swiped at the moisture that collected under my eye. “Damn it, Asher, what the fuck?” The glimpse of sadness in his eyes was replaced by anger. He looked up at Asher. “She’s crying. Fuck ... I’m getting you out of here.” He pulled me from the chair and led us directly through the front door. He slammed it closed before drawing me into a tight embrace.

12

New reality

By the time we approached the Ben Franklin Bridge it was ten thirty. Home. Up until today, the four-mile round trip trek across the majestic suspension bridge was my favorite run. However, it paled in comparison to the high I had from running in Central Park. After our brief appearance at the birthday brunch from hell, blowing off steam was imperative. Six miles of unexpected green mixed with concrete jewels encased by towering skyscrapers was a runner’s dream. With my sneakers and Pandora alone I could have been a pig in shit replaying the weekend’s highlights. Hell, other than the meeting the family fiasco, the whole weekend was a highlight. Quite possibly of my life.

I put music on the backburner though and resorted to running and talking. The loss of Chase’s twin sister was understandably heartbreaking. I hoped one day he would open up to me, but after witnessing his eyes when he walked in on Asher’s and my conversation, I steered clear of any topic family-related. I would have strapped an oxygen tank to my back to keep him from retreating into his head. So by mile two, with some mild coaxing, he finally engaged again. Dr. Playful was back. And in an attempt to keep the conversation light, I rehashed funny Sierra stories and told him all about my Cape Cod beach obsession. He talked about Asher and some of their crazy antics, pre-professional life.

It was a good eighty degrees out, despite being early evening, and Chase hadn’t even broken a sweat. Museum Mile marked the halfway point, and all but a thin sheen covered his arms and legs. I, on the other hand, was a puddle and needed to wring out my panties. He teased me mercilessly when I begged for a break. If he hadn’t been sex in sneakers I probably would have quit. Instead I pushed up the West Side and back down the East, before passing the beautiful Carousel and looping back west to finish at Tavern on the Green. Awesome.

Even in my short visit, it was obvious the two sides of the park seemed to have their own distinct personalities. Chase explained it like different specialties in medicine; city neighborhoods had their stereotypes as well. Terms like rich, old money, sophisticated, and class obsessed referred to his parents’ neighborhood—more like his God-awful mother who made Main Line brat sound like a compliment. Versus liberal, artsy, eccentric and wealthy, when he referenced his side of the park. I sensed that Chase’s address was nothing more than polar opposite from his parents. It was crystal clear he hated the idea of stereotypes. Period. It seemed as well as he fit his born and bred Upper East Side neurosurgeon stereotype, he defied it. After all, most surgeons wouldn’t even risk waving their hands between sensored elevator doors, never mind box. Dr. Contradiction.

It was getting dark as we crossed over the bridge into Center City; the Philly skyline was in view. We were almost home and still hadn’t spoken about tomorrow. Reality was setting in. I shifted in my seat to shake off my nervous energy.

“What’s the matter, baby? Why so quiet?” Chase thumbed my cheek, stopping in front of my house. “Talk to me, Blue.” His brow furrowed with concern. He was incredibly sweet.

“Just thinking about this weekend, how amazing it was, how amazing you are. Just a little sad it has to end. And then there’s tomorrow-”

“Let’s get one thing straight. Nothing is ending, so get that thought out of your head. Now. This weekend was just the beginning. And as for tomorrow, my only concern is which bed we’ll be waking up in. Understand?” Feminists around the world would cringe at his tone, but damn, I found it sexy as hell. “I figured you would run in and grab a change of clothes, because we’ve already established,” he pointed to the backseat lined with shopping bags from our little city escapade, “none of that is work appropriate; that is, if you care about the wellbeing of my patients. Then we’ll head back and stay at my place. It’s closer to the hospital and since one of us needs to be up before sunrise, it seems like the best choice for tonight. We can figure out the rest later.”

Wait, one of us? The rest? Not sure which to address first, my filter-less mouth took care of that.

“What do you mean, one of us?”

“Blue, who are you kidding? Not only did you almost kill yourself trying to keep up with me in the park, which by the way was pretty fucking hot if I forgot to tell you, but you’re not getting to sleep anytime soon, follow me? Baby, the way you sleep, you’ll be lucky if you make it in by nine tomorrow.”

Anger rose from my gut.

“Let me see if I get this ... so now that I’m fucking the boss, I’m suddenly eliminated from morning rounds. Oh that’s professional, not to mention insulting. Maybe in your world, the rules don’t apply, but the rest of us-”

Chase’s mouth covered mine before I got a chance to finish my tirade. The kiss was excruciating. Pulling away only inches his eyes nailed mine.

“First. The only thing insulting is you calling what we share fucking. Got it? Second, just so you know, I have never made a case manager round in the morning after the first day. Ever. Until you. I laid eyes on you—damn, I contemplated adding fucking midnight rounds just to spend more time with you. If you’re going to be pissed, be pissed about that. And while I’m at it, I personally don’t give a shit who knows about us. Understand? We’re both adults. And there’s not a person at that hospital who would question your professionalism. They all love you, and they should. You’re awesome at your job. But it’s your call. I’ll give you that. I’ll go along with whatever you want, for now ... but I can’t promise people won’t figure it out. Blue, I’m a lot of things, but actor is not one of them.”

Speechless. There were no words. None. Zero. Damn this man leveled me. My heart almost pounded out of my chest. I grabbed his face between my palms and kissed him like my life depended on it. His lips were my new heaven. Soft, possessive, safe. Hoping my tongue’s assault spoke the words that I knew I couldn’t. I’m sorry.

“Beautiful, you ... fucking ... kill ... me,” he breathed, forehead to forehead. “Can you please go pack a fucking bag? I really need to get home and make love to my girl ... in our bed.”

Make love...

My girl...

Our bed…

Done. I was done. This beautiful man owned my broken heart.

I packed a bag—several days’ worth—and we went back to Chase’s apartment where he did as he promised.

He made love to me.

Soft and sweet.

Hands entwined above our heads, stomach to stomach, tongue cherishing tongue.

Every delicious push ... every kiss, spoke silent novels.

As broken as I was ... as tormented as his intense eyes said he was…

We were perfect. We fit.

No apologies. No explanations.

Just us. Perfection.

My head rose and fell with each of his breaths as I rested on his very naked chest. “Chase?” He softly kissed the tip of my nose. His room was dark and warm and smelled of us.

“Yeah, baby,” he whispered.

There was no fighting my tears. “I’m broken. I’m not what you think.”

“Baby, we’re all broken. You ... you are everything. And so much more.”

“Chase ... why?”

“I don’t give a shit why, Blue. The past twelve days have been the best damn days of my life. I keep asking myself, why me? I don’t deserve you ... not even close, period. None of you. Not your smile, not your laugh ... not that look in your eyes when you come and scream my name. None of it. You are pure sweet. I’m anything but. I tried to stay away. Damn, I tried.”

There was something familiar about those beautiful grey eyes that mirrored my own. He wasn’t just tormented; he was broken too.

“When you said the rules didn’t apply in my world—baby, you weren’t wrong. Fuck, you were more right than you’ll ever know. It’s fucking toxic. I’m toxic. You-”

I interrupted him because it wasn’t so long ago that his words could have been my own. “Chase, don’t-”

“Blue, baby. I couldn’t walk away now if I tried. You’re mine. Hear me? Mine ... say it.” Even in the darkness of the bedroom his eyes were as passionate as his words.

“Yours.”

“Look at me.” I was, but I knew what he meant. Look past the outside; dive deeper. “I know I don’t deserve you. But I won’t share. I can’t. I’m not built that way. Not any of you. You’re mine, baby.” He needed reassurance as much as I did that this was real.

“Yours, baby ... yours.” Because as much as I was his, he was mine.

Then Dr. Possessive did what he does and made love to me again. And suddenly sleeping in seemed like the best idea. Ever.

13

Girl coffee

Iglanced at my phone trying to focus, still half asleep. I had to change that damn text alert chime. And I really needed to stop sleeping in contacts.

I’m in labor

Oh my god. Pick up. Why wasn’t she picking up the damn phone?

“Hey, Asspuck. What happened to calling when you got home?”

“Sier, where are you? It’s too early ... you okay, the baby?”

“Oh. I’m not in labor,” she said wryly.

“Sierra! What the hell is wrong with you? I almost had a freaking heart attack.”

“Good, that’s what you get. Now you know how I felt. Maybe you’ll think twice before disappearing for a weekend without calling to let me know you’re okay. For all I knew, Dr. Hot-as-Balls kidnapped and killed you.”

“Dramatic much? I texted you.”

“Oh, you mean your sorry I have to cancel, explain later text an hour before we were supposed to meet. That text?”

“K, Mom, point made. Are you done being annoying?”

“Hell no. Now I want details. And don’t leave out the good parts. Damn, you weren’t kidding. Holy shit, he’s hot. But please say he’s not always that intense. He looked like a man possessed. I couldn’t tell if he wanted to rip your clothes off or Guy’s eyes out more. I can’t believe I left you. Shit. I totally wasn’t thinking. My damn placenta brain. With Dodd away all week I was horny, and then when you didn’t answer your phone, I felt like total shit that I encouraged you. I just, I don’t know, I didn’t expect him to be so...” Sierra was rambling. Sierra never rambled. And that made me feel guilty.

“Stop. I get it. You’re so right. I’m sorry. I should have called, but really ... you don’t have to worry. He’s definitely intense, but that’s only one part of him. He’s the real deal, Sier,” I paused. It was difficult to describe it or define it. “I can’t explain it, but it’s good. He’s good. I think I trust him ... am I crazy?”

“Fine, you’re forgiven, but the jury is still out on Dr. Fucknuts. Speaking of—still waiting. How was it? Should I call him Dr. Crowbar? When they are that insanely hot, it’s a flip of the coin whether they actually know how to use the damn thing, so which is it? Please say you scored heads?”

I chuckled. “You have serious issues, you know that, right?”

“Absolutely, but that’s why you love me! Don’t leave me hanging.”

“Fine. Yes. Definitely heads ... umm ... all around.” If Sierra only saw my smile.

“That’s freaking fantastic.” Her belly laugh was contagious even over the phone.

“Okay. Are we done now? I have to get ready for work, and I’m seeing you for lunch in only a few hours.”

“Wait. You’re not at work? It’s almost eight. Where the hell are you?”

Oh, lying sprawled out in Dr. Sex’s massive bed, naked.

“Oh. We stayed at Chase’s last night. We got back from New York a little late, and his apartment is closer to the hospital.” Not to mention Dr. Sexy is also Dr. Possessive and not really big into sharing, not even with my apartment.

“You were in the city? What? But why aren’t you at work? Did your vagina need a sick day?”

“Ha-ha. NO! Just going in a little late.” I wasn’t even sure where to begin with that one. I gave in on the whole morning rounding thing last night, but I had a feeling we needed to re-address that issue. I did not need to bring up Dr. Dominant just yet.

“Hmm. Sounds a little suspect to me.”

“Sier, can we finish this at lunch? I really have to get ready.”

“Oh shit. I almost forgot. I saw Kate at Whole Foods yesterday and she seemed a little down in the dumps over shithead, so I invited her to lunch. That’s the other reason I called early. I knew you probably wouldn’t want to announce you were screwing your boss at lunch.”

Obviously.

“Thanks for the heads up. See you later then.”

“K. Oh, and Lil … for what it’s worth, I hope he’s the real deal. You really do deserve it.”

“Thanks, Sierra. Honestly, I don’t know what to hope for. But I’ll admit, for the first time in a long time, I feel pretty lucky.”

“You should, after all, you got heads.”

Freak!

I lay in Chase’s massive king-size bed covered in stark white linens. It reminded me of his Manhattan mausoleum bedroom, but not as cozy. It was simple and bare and lacked color, a clean slate. I wondered if he just moved in or simply liked it that way. According to his best friend, he picked Philly over two other cities he had strong ties to. Granted, if Constance was my mother, I probably would have picked California. A six-hour plane ride seemed like a sane distance from his bat shit crazy mother. And I was in her company for less than an hour. Boston, though, was still a bit of a mystery. Chase mentioned during dinner that he attended BU’s six-year combined undergraduate MD program, and Asher mentioned something about a business there. Boston could have been a solid choice if he wanted a break from his toxic world. Not that I was complaining about his ultimate choice. Definitely not complaining. The past few days gave me small glimpses and snapshots—enough to know I desired more. Everything. I needed him to trust me enough to share. Pot meet kettle.

Suddenly the room’s silence was drowned out by a loud monotone voice with a familiar message. 95 is backed up, Academy to Cottman. No shit. I chuckled to myself. Three years and always the same exact traffic report. After a second, I got out of my own head and realized the news was coming from the alarm clock that was now across the room. Last night, I had smiled seeing the fluorescent hue bedside, illuminating the obscene hour Chase finally tucked my very sated body tight against his for the night.

Dr. Bossy must have set it for me before he left, strategically moving it so I couldn’t snooze. Totally has my number.

But the news, really? It seemed like a stupid thing to notice. But I finally made the connection. His anxiety around music had to stem from the death of his sister. I remembered how melancholy he got when I asked him what happened to his high school band, the band he shared with his sister. A real tragedy. Music must have become too much of a reminder after she died, but for some reason I seemed to be the exception. He allowed me to choose music for his OR cases, and he chose music for our night at the planetarium, knowing how much I loved it.

I slapped the alarm clock hard and headed for the bathroom. The sleek earth tone marble sanctuary was filling with steam when the apartment door buzzed.

Despite my slight embarrassment opening Chase’s door as the obvious overnight guest, questionably dressed no less, I was more than pleasantly surprised.

“Good morning, Ms. Porter, sorry to bother you. Dr. Colton wanted me to deliver this.” The quirky doorman I recognized from my first visit handed me a steaming Starbucks cup. Mmm. Definitely has my number.

Thanks for the latte.

Very sweet :)

I knew he was probably getting ready to start a case, but I sent him the text anyway. His quick reply made me smile.

No. Sweet is the way you taste.

But I’m glad you enjoyed your girl coffee.

Hope you had enough time to put some clothes on.

Dr. Sweet, meet Dr. Possessive...

And here I thought you set the alarm

so I wouldn’t be even LATER for work??

Did he really time the alarm for the doorman’s coffee delivery? No. Crazy talk.

Your boss says you’re not late.

But your boyfriend is waiting for an answer.

If you must know-your case manager is naked,

getting in the shower because she is LATE for work.

But your girlfriend answered the door in your robe.

Reminder for my case manager girlfriend

I don’t like to share.

Not even with the shower.

See YOUR beautiful soon. Xo.

Mouth open, heart pounding, sex twinging ... speechless.

How did he do that again?

“Where were you this morning?” I jumped at the sound of Guy’s voice at my back. Damn it, I totally lacked a plan. “Why weren’t you at rounds? You sick?” I closed my tablet and swiveled on my chair. “Chase said he heard from you this morning, said you were going to be late. Is everything okay, doll? It might be none of my business, but I just know how you are, you never like to be late.” He was sincere.

“I’m okay, Guy. I just, um ... had to take care of something this morning. How are our patients?” I took a play from Sierra’s book and tried to change the subject.

“They’re fine.” He deadpanned, cocking his head to the side to stare directly in my eyes.

“What happened to you Friday night?”

“Hey, Lil, there you are, 508 needs rehab.” Saved by Sam’s voice. He slapped my back “So nice of you to grace us with your presence.” He laughed.

“Whatever, Sam, quit it,” I sneered.

“What? Just because you’ve gotten dismissed from morning rounds and Jackson walks on water, whatever, I’m stuck doing all the shit work. Damn, I totally picked the wrong profession.”

“Dismissed from morning rounds?” A ping of irritation resurfaced. I thought it was my decision when and if anyone found out about our relationship.

“Yeah. Colton made it pretty clear that you weren’t going to be rounding with us anymore in the morning.”

Guy’s eyes bored into me. He hadn’t missed that conversation, yet he was totally prying me for information.

“Um, well, yeah this morning I had to take care of something, and then he said going forward I could come in later, like nine.” I hated lying; it wasn’t me. I sucked at it. I reopened my tablet and loaded my discharges, hoping everyone would stop drilling me.

“Shit.” Sam’s phone chimed with a new text. “Um, guys, since you’re all here, I’ve been meaning to tell you something.” Sam was my saving distraction again.

“Sammy, whatcha hiding?” Leanne silently emerged from the supply closet. She never missed a trick.

“Not hiding anything, just some news.” Sam grinned. “I’m gonna be a father.”

“What! Sam that’s so exciting, congratulations.” I jumped up and pulled him in for a bear hug.

“Dude, that’s so cool.” The boys shook hands and slapped each other’s backs.

Leanne joined me with a big kiss on his cheek. “Sammy’s gonna be a daddy! Good for you, buddy.”

“Thanks, guys, we’re psyched, but I really need a favor. Becky has her first big appointment today, and I promised her I would try my hardest to go. Can you guys cover for me? I think I should only be gone an hour or so.”

“Of course, dude. That’s an important visit. Chase only has one case slated today and so far there aren’t any new admissions. We’ll be fine.” Guy mimicked me. “Besides, Chief seems to be in a surprisingly good mood today.”

Oh, I wonder why.

“Thanks, I really appreciate it.” Sam’s excited energy was contagious.

My phone vibrated.

Beautiful, you in yet?

Yes I’m working.

Just spoke to your boss,

I think you’re in trouble.

He wants to meet with you immediately

In private.

Oh, does he now?

“Whatcha smiling at, girl?” Leanne did that weird thing where you half talk and half sing.

I was so absorbed in texting I totally forgot where I was for a minute. I looked up and saw that Guy and Sam were gone. For now. No way in hell Guy was going to let this go.

“Oh nothing.” I stood ready to retreat to my office. “I gotta run. I have a shitload of paperwork to get done.”

“I call bullshit. Be that way, you’ll spill the beans eventually.”

I must have had “giddy” stamped across my forehead. I was definitely not getting off this floor without giving Leanne something. That girl smelled freaking sex.

15 minutes-

Your office.

The smile spread across my face.

“Lee, Lili.” Kate was hysterically crying, looking completely disheveled when she flew into the nurses’ station.

“Hey, hey. What’s going on?” I tried to calm her.

“Shit, Kate, what did he do now?” Leanne didn’t waste a minute. “Let’s go somewhere more private.” Leanne coaxed her down the hall to an on-call room.

Kate paced back and forth. “I’m such an idiot. I knew I should’ve stayed away from him this morning. I knew something wasn’t right.” She grabbed her forehead and squeezed, slumping into one of the desk chairs. I hated seeing her like this … or any woman like this.

“What the fuck, you’re a mess!” Leanne was definitely losing patience. I crouched down in front of her.

“Kate, sweetie, talk to us,” I whispered. My experience with abused children and women told me the last thing Kate needed was another person badgering her.

“He looked at my phone this morning, and I had one missed text, from Sierra. She’s not programmed in my phone yet, so it came up as an unknown number. I ran into her yesterday and I quickly gave her mine. He … he lost it. He was screaming like a lunatic, calling me a whore and asking how could I cheat on him like this, how could I let him find out this way, that we were done, over.”

“Was the text about meeting for lunch?” I questioned.

“Yeah, all it said was don’t forget-lunch at noon, love. You know how Sierra is, she always uses endearing sentiments, that’s just her.”

“You’re kidding me, right? He saw a fucking text, and that’s it? Goes ape shit on you. Didn’t ask for an explanation,” Leanne hissed. “This is crazy. He’s a loser, you need to dump his sorry ass.”

“You guys don’t understand, he was never like this. I’ve never, ever seen him lose his temper like this before. I don’t understand. How could he ever think I would cheat on him? I love him.” Her tears reignited, while Leanne and I exchanged what-the-hell-are we-going-to-do looks. “I know what you’re both thinking.” She choked on a sob. “How could I love him? And he’s nothing but a stranger to you.”

“Um Kate, sweetie, look at me.” She uncovered her face. “Maybe you need a little break; he obviously has some anger issues. He needs to sort himself out. Let him figure out how totally irrational he’s being. Let him cool off and come find you. He needs to apologize without you running back to him.” She silently looked me in the eyes. “Promise me you’ll wait until he finds you, please don’t go running back, you need to be strong here. I know you love him and you may not want to hear this, but you need to worry about you.” I sat back on my heels waiting for her to agree.

“Lili.” A loud knock and a steel voice that made my heart flutter interrupted our conversation. Leanne spoke up. “Yeah, she’s in here. Give us a minute.” I knew a minute was going to be way too long for Dr. Impatient.

The door flew open. “Blue, I’ve been looking all over for you, I thought something hap-” He stopped mid-sentence and took in the entire scene. “Shit, what happened? Kate, are you all right?”

Kate quickly wiped away her smeared mascara before glancing up. I hoped she and Leanne were consumed with the drama of the situation to miss the whole Blue part.

“Lee, hun, you got this. I’ll be right back.” I stood and gave Chase a get-the-hell-out-of-the-room look. He retreated out the door and I followed.

“Baby, you freaked me out, I thought something happened to you. You didn’t return my text, so I thought we were meeting in fifteen minutes. When you weren’t there in twenty, I texted again and still nothing. You can’t do this to me.” Hmm, Dr. Possessive and Dr. Ramble. One cute; one not so much.

“Um, Chase, if you didn’t notice, something urgent came up that I needed to deal with.” I rolled my eyes. I was annoyed and he needed to know it.

“I can see that now, but I didn’t know that fucking five minutes ago when I thought something happened to you.”

“I’m sorry I scared you, Dr. Handsome, but I’m a grown woman at work. What was going to happen? Besides, I’ve been doing a pretty damn good job taking care of myself the past twenty-seven years.” That got me a very public, very aggressive kiss in the middle of the fifth floor hallway. I melted into his chest for a second. “Chase, what are you doing?”

“I told you I’m not a very good actor.” He smirked. “And you call me Dr. Handsome like that again, fuck, baby, everyone will see what a bad actor I am.”

I blushed, big time.

“Come to lunch with me, I’m starving. Had to skip breakfast. I had a very hard time getting out of bed this morning.” He wryly raised his brow and a current shot straight to my sex. “Also, I have a long case this afternoon, so I’m not gonna see you for hours. Unless you’re interested in sitting in on a spine case?”

No chance. That wouldn’t be obvious or anything. Not that a case manager sitting in during brain cases was routine or anything, but no one seemed to flinch at the idea. Since patients were woken up mid-case, I at least served a purpose, keeping them calm and focused.

“Fine, lunch, but I need to check on Kate, then I’ll meet you.” I should have said no, said that I already had plans, but damn he was irresistible.

“Let’s do 11:30 so we can eat and then I can take care of some business.” He grinned.

“You’re insatiable, Chase.” Super fast food sounds perfect. His light blue scrubs and what was hiding underneath were reason enough to eat fast.

“You love it, Blue.”

Love it, or you? That thought had to go, stat.

He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and kissed my temple. “What’s going on with Kate, she okay?”

“We’ll talk at lunch, and no, she’s not okay. Now, please leave so I can tend to my friend.”

“I’m going. I’ll have Pete meet us out front; we aren’t eating around here. I’m not sharing you.”

“Shocker.”

“Always something sassy, baby, I think I know exactly what that mouth needs.”

And just like that I was soaked.

Don’t be mad-hv to bail on lunch.

Kate’s a hot mess.

Already a long morning.

Promise to call as soon as I’m done tonight.

You’ve gotta be kidding me asshat.

You’re ditching me again.

Dr. best friend stealer better not hv anything to do w this!

Guilt shot through my stomach. Damn, she knew exactly what to say to push my buttons.

“Why are you flirting with the security guards, baby?” Chase jeered on our walk back to my office after a spectacular fast lunch on the other side of town. He said the sushi was better there. But I had his number, Dr. Jealous. And I hated admitting it, but the whole sushi thing was growing on me. I saw another addiction in the making.

“What, you can’t be serious. We’re scone buddies. Especially on Wednesdays.”

“You’re what and when?”

“We’ve been doing it for years, every week I grab a couple extra scones and bring them to the guys. Wednesdays are always the best. Jorge, my cart guy friend, gets them fresh from some South Jersey bakery. Anyway, it’s the least I can do. They’re always looking out for me.”

“Really,” he whispered in my ear. “You’re pure sweet.” We pushed through the door of my office. “So this is where you hide out?”

“I don’t hide out, I work.”

“Mm-hmm, well the only thing you’re going to be working right now is your next orgasm.”

I gasped and he slammed his lips to mine, pushing me on my desk.

“Chase,” I moaned. “We can’t—it’s my office. What if someone comes in?”

“Then quit talking, baby, and concentrate.” My skirt was around my waist and my thong was pushed to the side within moments. His fingers plummeted deep inside me. “Fuck baby, you’re soaked already?”

My sex dripped. I was always so ready for him. I couldn’t help it. He swirled and teased me. His tongue matched his fingers perfectly, driving me to the edge within seconds. He broke our kiss and pushed down his scrubs to free his straining cock. While stroking himself with one hand, he licked his fingers from the other. I swear to god I almost came just watching him. In one smooth forceful motion, he drove himself deep into my hilt, lifting my ass right off my desk. My legs immediately wrapped around his waist, and my hands found their way to his silky hair. He snaked his hand between our bodies and began to give me the perfect amount of pressure.

“Oh yes, Chase, faster.”

“You gonna come for me, Lili?” he asked, his voice hoarse and strained.

“Yes, Chase. I’m gonna come.” Nothing was going to stop me from splintering into a thousand pieces on my own goddamn desk. Chase thrust one last time, sending me into oblivion as he shoved hard against me, rocking with his own climax.

“Damn, baby, that was hot.”

I beamed at his candor and kissed him lightly on his lips.

“Don’t move, let me grab something to clean us up.”

I just got screwed on my desk. Oh my god. “Bathroom through that door, should be paper towels,” I squeaked, still coming out of my haze. Moments later he returned with a warm paper towel, and he patted my sex and washed my legs. “You’re gonna make me keep extra underwear in my bag, huh?”

“If you would wear the damn crotchless all the time, we wouldn’t have to worry about it.”

I slapped his arm and teased, “Go. Don’t you have a brain to save?”

“I’ll text you when I’m done, I’ll probably miss rounds tonight. This is going to be a long case. Where are we sleeping?”

My heart that was just returning to normal picked back up. I loved how that was always on the forefront of his brain.

“I don’t know. I have to see Sierra. She’s pissed at me right now, so I’m gonna head to her place right after work. I’ve bailed on her twice, and she’s not your biggest fan right now.”

“What’d I do?”

“Stole me.”

“Well, I’m not going anywhere, so why don’t you set a night we can all get together and she can really meet me. See you later, Blue.” He kissed my nose and strolled from my office, leaving my very naked ass sitting on my desk.

I sat at Sierra’s computer scrolling through pages and pages of beach-inspired invitations. I stumbled across the cutest beach baby shower theme. It screamed Sierra, full of preppy greens, pinks, polka dots and stripes. There were all sorts of beachy decor and nautical goodies.

“Sierra, I think you’re right, Cape Cod is a must.”

“You think?” She yelled from the depths of her closet.

“And what about a Jack and Jill? We’ll have so much fun.”

“Oh, I see what you’re trying to pull—beach getaway with your new Dr. Boyfriend.” She peeked around the corner of her closet door to gauge my reaction, as if I couldn’t see her.

“I see you, Asspuck.” I laughed. “This is all about you, Mama. Since there’s no way I can surprise your nosey ass, you might as well have it the way you want it.”

“You make a good point, so fine, let’s do it at the Wychmere.”

“Isn’t that the beach club down the street from your parents’ house?” I asked.

“Yep. Hey, do you remember that night we snuck out and went skinny dipping in that pool with the guys from next door?”

“How could I forget? That’s the night you, um, you know.”

“Yeah, I remember, Asshat. My point is that was the pool at the Wychmere. They renovated a couple years back and it is absolutely gorgeous now. We can block rooms for the guests and make a weekend of it. We better shoot for soon. I’ll be a beached whale if we wait much longer.”

“Ha-ha, seems fitting, doesn’t it?” She didn’t find me all that funny. She rolled her eyes and retreated back to her wardrobe. “Let’s do mid-August, the weather will be amazing and you’ll be thirty-four, thirty-five weeks, that’s perfect. Etsy has adorable invitations, come look. You good with pink and green?” I logged into my Pinterest page to pull up the invite.

“On what? Is this another one of those dumbass sites you’re obsessed with?”

“Whatever. Get your ass over here and look at it. If you like it, I’ll order them. You have your list, right?”

“Yeah, my freaking mother keeps adding people, we’re up to like 100. I really would prefer it to be a bit more intimate; you think people won’t make the drive?”

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes. Sierra’s mother liked everything to be over the top. Sierra would never admit it, but the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree.

“Don’t roll your eyes, you just wait until you’re pregnant...”

I felt the color drain from my face. The punch was a direct blow.

“Lili, shit, you know I didn’t mean it like that.” She rushed to my side and gripped my cheeks. “Look at me, please Lil, I’m such an insensitive bitch, please, please forgive me. You know you’re my best friend, I would never intentionally hurt you.”

“I know, Sier.” I stood and walked to her bedroom window. “I just haven’t, I don’t know, thought about it in awhile. You just caught me off guard.” I played with my ponytail and sighed. “You know I haven’t been back to Cape Cod since...”

She darted to my side and flung her arms around my neck, squeezing me tight. She gripped my shoulders and examined my eyes.

“I know, Lil, we don’t have to do the shower there ... we can do it anywhere.”

“No, Sier, we aren’t changing it. The Cape also has so many wonderful memories, and this will just help erase the other ones.” My throat clogged with emotion just as my phone chimed, giving me a much appreciated pause.

Just got out, beautiful.

Still have some work to do-

Finishing up a presentation.

Where are you?

I held my phone toward Sierra and she pierced her lips together and squinted her eyes. Even though my BFF seemed to be happy for me, she wasn’t big on sharing either.

At Sierra’s.

Good. Stay.

Won’t steal you yet.

But you’re mine in an hour.

I’ll pick you up.

Funny how twenty minutes ago I would have loved this text. Now I was a little sad and needed some alone time.

“He wants to pick me up. I can’t go, not tonight.”

“It’s totally my fault, I’m sorry. I should have never brought it up.”

Think I’m gonna just go home.

The phone rang. Shocker. I tapped accept and didn’t even have a chance to utter hello.

“What’s wrong?” he clipped, loud and angry.

“Um, nothing, I’m just tired.” I looked away from Sierra hoping she hadn’t heard. Who was I kidding? Her neighbor probably heard; he was so loud.

“Bullshit. Truth.”

There was no way in hell I was having this conservation now, or ever, for that matter. “Not now, Chase.” He pulled this card on me, now it was my turn. “Really, I’m fine. I just need to go home. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Baby, just so you know, I’m so not okay with this. I don’t know what happened over the last four hours. If you’re not gonna talk about it, fine, but I’ll be at your place in an hour. Pete will pick you up from Sierra’s. Give me the address.”

“Chase-”

“Don’t.” He cut me off mid-sentence. “You don’t give me the address I’ll fucking Google it.”

“Fine. I’ll text it to you.”

“Baby, I want to sleep with you.” His voice softened. “This isn’t about sex. This is about sleeping ... with you ... in our bed, just sleeping, no talking. Just silence, me listening to your soft breaths. That’s truth.” And once again this man had completely disarmed me with words alone. “See you soon, baby.”

Silence filled my ear. I turned and dropped my phone on the bed.

“You’re not going to tell him, huh?” Sierra raised her eyebrows and frowned.

“I don’t know, but I’m definitely not ready tonight.”

“This thing with Dr. Hot-as-Balls is serious, isn’t it?”

I couldn’t help but nod. My gut told me she wasn’t wrong.

14

Clear skin

“Wow, it’s jammin’ in here.” Jackson entered the OR with his dripping wet arms held high. “Colton, you good with this?”

Chase’s discomfort with music was not lost on many. He was already scrubbed, gowned and gloved and fiddling with his instrument table. His back faced us so I couldn’t read his eyes. His eyes were always the words not spoken.

“Blame Lili.” Sam was prepping the sedated patient’s head. “She’s into rock now.”

“What—I can’t do something nice for my three favorite guys?” I defended my song choice.

“Three favorite guys?” Guy sauntered in, casually holding the mask over his mouth and nose, strings hanging loose at the side. He wasn’t scheduled for this case. “What, doll, I don’t count?”

“Guy, aren’t you one of the girls?” The room chuckled at Jackson.

“Whatever, Jack, that’s not what she said last night.” Guy was totally joking, but my breath caught watching Chase’s back tense in response. Chase definitely wasn’t laughing.

“Oh ha-ha, Guy, aren’t you funny?” Not sure why, but I wanted to quickly diffuse for Chase’s sake.

“Come on. You love me, doll. Admit it.”

“Why. Are. You. Here. Dr. Hunter?” Chase turned around to face the room. With just his eyes visible above the brim of his facemask, I saw he was burning.

“To see you.” Guy’s eyes widened, taking in Chase’s irritation. “A major head trauma is heading in on copter. ER chief needs your help with inducing hypothermia. Said something about using the new equipment.”

“Fuck. Are you kidding? He’s the one who postponed my damn inservice. Guess he’s getting a crash course today. What’s the ETA, Hunter? I need to get this surgery going, the patient’s already asleep.”

“Twenty minutes.”

“Carl,” Chase barked at his not-so-favorite anesthesiologist. “Dr. Jennings, we ready to start?”

“Yeah, yeah. Go ahead.” Dr. Jennings stared up at some green numbers on the little screen on his cart like he was watching the series finale of Lost, never looking at Chase.

“Go scrub, Hunter.” Chase wasn’t asking. “Not happy about this, but get your ass in here.” He turned to look at Jackson who was scrubbed and ready, standing at the unconscious patient’s head. “Jack, you waiting for a fucking red carpet? Make the incision.”

Jackson was totally grinning beneath his mask when he made the incision. Before Chase stole him to be his personal PA, Jackson was used to doing most of the lazier surgeon’s cases. But Chase was more territorial over his patients. One night while we were lying in bed talking about the demands of being a surgeon, he told me he preferred to stay in the operating room from the first incision to the last bandage being taped. “My patient, my responsibility.”

I loved that about him. From that first day with Kelly, I saw how committed he was. Not to the job, but to the patient. If Chase was stepping out of the room, whatever was going on in the ER must be really important. He was not thrilled.

“Jack, you and Hunter dissect down. That’s all I want you to do. Understand?”

“Yeah, yeah. Colton, I’m good. Done this procedure hundreds of times.”

“I know, Jack. But I don’t want anything done while I’m gone. Got me? No fucking heroics.”

I was no expert, but dissecting down sounded pretty heroic on its own. Jackson didn’t flinch and I considered giving him a heads up once Chase left. By the way, dude, avoid doing “anything” above and beyond whatever he just said or didn’t say, because my Dr. Sexy can turn into a psycho instrument tray-throwing lunatic. I glanced over at a nervous looking Sam standing next to Jackson, and he gave me an eye raise. Clearly, he hadn’t forgotten the tray-throwing episode either. Yeah, I definitely liked my spot on the other side of the short curtain.

“Yeah, I got ya,” Jackson replied, steady and focused while Guy backed through the door with dripping wet hands.

“So, Colton, what’s this hypothermia catheter unit everyone keeps talking about ... cute sales rep talk you into being spokesperson or something?” Guy wasted no time asking questions, oblivious to the tension in the room.

My nervous stomach awakened. Not that similar questions weren’t ruminating in my head. Minus the cute sales rep crap.

“I developed it a few years ago.” His grey gaze captured my attention, searching for my reaction.

As in, invented? So this was the company Asher mentioned in Boston, maybe. I must have had disappointment written all over my face. Seemed like an interesting tidbit of information one would tell someone they worked with and spent several hours a day naked with.

How much longer could I sit around and wait for him to open up? About anything. About everything. I knew so little about this man.

The man who a week ago held me tighter than I have ever been held, kissed my hair all night long, and never uttered a word because he knew that’s what I needed.

The man who didn’t push or ask what happened at Sierra’s that same night to turn me into a bitchy texter.

The man who arranged romantic lunches at different quaint restaurants all over Center City because he knew I wanted to be discreet until this rotation was over, while he made it perfectly clear he couldn’t care less who knew about us.

The man who added an evening run to his workout routine so I wouldn’t be alone—even though he woke up at four to hit the gym, leaving me to sleep in until my personal Starbucks delivery arrived.

The man who scheduled a full spa day for Sierra and me this past Saturday while he was on call, as long as I promised to spend the entire next day with him, naked. Hard bargain.

Not to mention he was the man who made me lose count somewhere after forty-something. Were my expectations really that high?

Maybe I needed to give the man a break. Not everyone held a dark secret. Not everyone was me.

He suffered a devastating loss that he wasn’t ready to talk about, or at least not with me. And he invented some crazy piece of medical equipment. No surprise there. He was exceptionally brilliant and insanely wealthy.

“Colton, that’s sweet.” Jackson’s enthusiasm drew me out of my head. “Had a patient hooked up last month, worked like a charm. Bitch of a machine to work though.”

“How’s it work? You really invented it?” Guy followed, looking genuinely interested.

Chase, on the other hand, not so much. His eyes darkened while his chest rose and fell at a slightly faster rate. Long moments of silence filled the room before his authoritative teaching tone deteriorated to condescension. “It’s not a new fucking science, Hunter, just better equipment. This shouldn’t be news to you as a third year. It’s a metal-lined catheter and a control unit used to induce therapeutic hypothermia. Helps minimize brain damage after traumatic head injuries. You can also use it for cardiac arrest, strokes and newborns. Lowers body temperature, less chance of longterm injury. You obviously need a brush up.” I tensed and looked away cringing. He really was being mean to Guy. “I expect you at surgical grand rounds tomorrow morning for my inservice.”

The circulating nurse cut in, “Dr. Colton, sorry to interrupt, but the call just came in—the helicopter will be here in three minutes.”

“I’ll be back as soon as I can. Then we’ll finish the awake part of the case.” They both nodded in agreement. “Carl, do me a favor, if it’s not too much to ask, try and do your fucking job and make sure my patient stays asleep.”

I hated to say it, but Carl really was such a wet noodle. He kind of disappeared into the background. No wonder Chase was on edge. He made it perfectly clear he didn’t trust Carl’s judgment or like working with him. Chase basically banned him from all his cases. Obviously vacation schedules trumped surgeon’s requests.

Chase ripped his gown and gloves off and stormed out of the room without a glance back.

The last awake OR case I sat in on was the god-awful bloodbath almost two weeks ago. Who would have thought something so terrible that ended with the kiss of all kisses would lead to whatever the hell you would say we were doing. Secretly dating, fucking, semi-cohabitating. Keep telling yourself that’s all it is, Lil. Believe it or not, I looked forward to today after I saw an awake case on the schedule. Chase, in his element, was awesome. Intense, focused, and dominant. It reminded me of him in bed. I hoped the heat in my cheeks was hidden under the mask. Not the time or place for those thoughts.

Thankfully Guy snapped me out of my mental movie before it passed PG-13. “What the hell crawled up Colton’s ass? Dude, he’s like a chick with the mood swings. No offense, doll.”

It was crazy how surgeons had whole conversations without ever looking up. Eyes always on the field, hands moving meticulously while discussing pure nonsense.

“Hey!” I couldn’t think of anything else to say, but I wasn’t letting that little comment go.

“What? I didn’t mean you, Lili. Maybe Colton should take whatever pill you do, because he’s a fucking bear when he’s ragging it.” The men erupted with laughter. More like the boys. Minus the wet noodle, of course.

“Guy, you fucking kill me!” Jackson said. “I can’t believe you just said ragging it. I’ll take Colton’s PMS any day over what’s probably going on in Sam’s house. Pregnancy, man. Heard it’s like ragging it twenty-four, seven.”

“Really, man? Why’d you have to bring me into this? Remember—intern here. I’m having a hard enough time just standing here right now?” Sam was awesome. First intern in three years I adored from day one.

“Boys. In case you forgot, three women are in the room. And no—I’m not ragging it.” I glared at Jackson and Guy. “And Sam, ignore these Neanderthals. They have no clue about anything. My best friend is pregnant, too. Hormones can seriously suck.” I had to defend my half of the human race. Not to mention, my secret boyfriend who was no longer in the room. Wow, I liked the sound of that.

“Sorry, doll. Told you that you don’t count. You’re always awesome. Don’t ever change your pill. It works for you.”

What the hell?

“How do you even know I’m on the pill?” This conversation was getting seriously awkward.

“We’ve had like four rotations together, all day, every day. You haven’t had a bitchy day yet; you’re definitely on the pill.”

Well, that was sweet. Totally inappropriate, but sweet. That’s what I got for hanging with the boys.

“Well, my wife’s going back on whatever you’re on as soon as this baby is born.” Sam rejoined the conversation, but he was so full of it. He adored his wife, and I was sure he was just trying to hang with the boys.

“Sam, shut it. I also heard pregnancy sex is fucking hot. Suck it up. I’d take hormonal and bitchy if it came with hormonal and horny any day.”

Leave it to Jackson to take it to yet another level. I shook my head and looked over at the other women, figuring we would share in a how stupid are these boys eye roll, but nope. They perfected the art of blending in and tuning out.

“Maybe that’s what the Chief needs?” Guy just couldn’t let it go.

“What’s that?” Jackson asked.

“Laid. Colton could probably use a good lay, lighten him up a bit.”

OMG. I wanted to crawl under the table.

Jackson chuckled. “Dude. Hate to break it to you. It’s you. Colton’s actually been in a pretty good mood lately. My guess, he’s not having any problem getting laid.”

Shoot me. I blushed fuchsia.

“You walk in, man, you push his buttons.” Jackson finished shaking his head.

“What the fuck did I do?” Guy was so oblivious.

The OR door swung open. Chase backed in swiftly, his muscular biceps flexed, arms dripping wet. “Do tell, Dr. Hunter. What the fuck did you do?” Chase’s tone was more relaxed from when he stormed out. Three and a half weeks since we met, the sight of him still took my breath away.

“Um, nothing. We’re good. Just about done with the dissection.”

Hearing Guy stutter, I was embarrassed for him. Shit. I was embarrassed for me. After all, they were commenting on our sex life without even knowing it. If Sierra were here, she would have been rolling on the floor by now. Awkward.

Chase re-gowned, gloved, and then took position at the head of the table. His quiet confidence commanded the room. “Good. Glad to see you can follow directions.” Maybe that was a compliment, but it oozed sarcasm.

“Piece of cake, Chief.” Jackson knew he just earned a little more of Chase’s trust in the operating department. “How’d it go down in the ER?”

“Fine. Should have been a non-issue if the ER had done a damn inservice on the equipment weeks ago like they were supposed to. Like I told them to. Doesn’t matter now. Can’t change anything. Patient will hopefully be fine, only time will tell, we’ll have to wait and see.” His voice drifted ever so slightly, but something small changed. Chase closed his eyes tightly for several seconds like someone did when they were stressed or praying or remembering.

I wondered what it was like to depend on your skill day in and day out to save a life … and to accept that some things were out of your control despite your talent and hard work. How many times had Chase had to wait and see? How many patients died despite his best effort? I doubted the boys realized the enormity of the responsibility they were training for.

Chase opened his eyes and the switch flipped back on. “So tell me. What did I miss? Suction.” Like anyone in the room was stupid enough to answer that one.

“Just Guy teasing Lili,” Sam chimed in out of nowhere. I raised my brow and gave Chase an I have no idea look. “You know the double standard, a man has a condom in his wallet for only one reason, right? We have to own it, but girls ... ever notice they’re all on the pill for bad cramps or irregular periods these days?”

What the hell, Sam. This was the save he came up with? Guy better have appreciated his intern stepping up, but I was going to kill him. Usually I handled hanging with the boys, but this needed a fast-forward.

“And this has to do with Ms. Porter, how?” Dr. Possessive was not a fan of the conversation. Neither was I.

“Not our Lili. All about the clear skin, right, girl?” Jackson rescued me. Kind of.

Clear skin. Right. I wished that was my impetus for starting birth control.

Chase glared over the short curtain. Those sexy stormy eyes yelled, Blue, I’m about to lose my fucking mind.

Crap, what if he had walked in on the real conversation.

The crazy talk came to an abrupt halt when an obnoxious beep echoed through the room, and seven sets of eyes turned toward the anesthesia cart.

“Carl. What the fuck’s your problem?” Chase growled as if he knew why the machines were beeping. He wasn’t alarmed this time, just angry. The blaring ominous tune brought back awful memories of the blood bath. “Silence the fucking alarm.”

Carl stared at the screen. Didn’t flinch. If looks killed, Wet Noodle needed CPR. Chase bordered on homicidal. In slow motion, Dr. Jennings finally reached up and hit a button, silencing the beep. “Just kinked IV tubing. Not a big deal.”

“Last time I checked, all the meds keeping my patient stable while I slice a huge tumor out of his brain are dripping through that tubing. It’s a huge fucking deal,” Chase roared then snapped over to my direction. “Blue, you ready?”

Shit, he just called me Blue. On a scale of one to ten, the tensity of the room was teetering on a twelve point five, so I doubted anyone noticed. Chase was so angry, his heavy breathing suctioned his mask to his face with each inhale. I kept his gaze, hoping to calm him. Wet Noodle was about five seconds from being tossed against a wall.

“I’m going to wake him up now. If Dr. Jennings thinks he can handle doing his fucking job.” Chase’s eyes bored into Wet Noodle before looking back at me. “Just keep him calm, Lili, but keep him talking. Just like you did in the other cases. You with me, Blue?” He softened, I loved that I did that for him.

“With you, Chase.” With you. For the first time I didn’t think twice about who was listening. I had no idea what we had or where it was going, but I needed him as much as he needed me right then.

The rest of the case went off without a hitch. The whole time the boys remained quiet and focused. I was thankful for small favors, no more talk of birth control or sexual frustrations.

Chase dismissed Jackson and Guy, while he took his time teaching Sam how to close. Or staple, or sew the patient’s head. Something crazy like that. Methodical and patient, he was an amazing teacher.

“Nice work, Dr. Petit,” Chase said sincerely. “Why don’t you go help Guy and Jackson with post-op checks. I’ve got this.”

“You’re sure?” Sam sounded shocked that his attending wanted to stay behind and transport the patient to recovery.

“Yes. Go,” Chase instructed. “Ms. Porter. Walk with me.”

My stare wandered down his sick body, imagining every hard curve. Flashes of our first night together in my hallway against the glass ran through my head.

Catching me in my seductive act, his devilishly sexy smirk appeared. “Um ... Ms. Porter, would you like to ... come?”

“Um ... of course,” I muttered, not even sure if it was comprehensible. Please, please don’t let there be a wet spot on these damn paper-thin scrubs. I needed more than a pantiliner around this man. The two older nurses in the room shot each other a knowing look, before blushing themselves. Sure—they completely ignored the boys’ shenanigans, but now they were completely tuned in. My luck.

“Shall we?” Extending his hand toward the door, Dr. Playful made his first public appearance at work. The nurses looked like they might have wet their pants too, he was just that damn sexy.

After arriving at recovery and before I embarrassed myself further, I left him with his cockiness to finish some paperwork. I chatted with Kate, who seemed in a much better mood today. Things must have improved with CJ for now. It was hard to keep up with their saga.

Suddenly, a strong presence slipped in right behind me. Incredibly close behind me. So close no one saw the firm hand that slid its way down to rub my ass. I held my breath. One wrong move and there was no more hiding anything from anyone. Definitely not Kate.

“Hi, Dr. Colton,” Kate said meekly. She didn’t know Chase all that well. No one at the hospital did. Hell, I barely knew him and I was sharing his bed. Aside from being new, he gave off a very intimidating, distant vibe. Add that to being hurt-your-eyes gorgeous, most of the female staff were easily flustered by him. Present company included.

“Nice to see you’re back, Kate.” After the last CJ fiasco she took a couple of much needed “mental health” days. “Now that you’re feeling better, tell me who I need to speak to—I’ll make sure you’re assigned to all my cases from now on.”

She looked a little green with Chase’s acknowledgement of her impromptu hiatus after seeing her hot mess display. “Umm, why? Did anything go wrong this week?”

“No. Just not a fan of people rotating. That’s when mistakes happen. I need to know who I’m leaving my patients with … that they’re on my page, doing things my way. I understand residents need to rotate as part of their training, but otherwise, I want my own team. Jackson’s got it covered in the OR and I want you in recovery. So again, who do I need to speak with to make that happen?”

Kate looked like she just won the Golden Globe for Best Nurse, if such existed. Meanwhile Chase’s assault on my ass continued, as if I needed reassurance. There was nothing suggestive in his tone, only professionalism. Dr. Sexy was all mine. I had no doubt.

“Probably the recovery room coordinator. But I’m not sure how that would work. It’s always been the nurse who is free takes the next patient. I don’t think you can choose.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. Yes, I can.” Dr. Bossy was very matter of fact. “Just do me a favor. In the future, give me some notice before you take time off so I don’t schedule any of my high risk cases then.” Coming from a world-renowned neurosurgeon, the compliment was huge. Her personal life was circling the toilet, so a professional boost couldn’t have come at a better time. And it was well deserved; she was a kickass nurse. Clearly Chase was stacking his team with the best.

“Sure. You got it.” Kate looked adorable, smiling ear to ear.

“I’ll make it happen.” Of course he would. Who was going to say no to this man? Brain surgeon, inventor, sex god. “But if you don’t mind, Ms. Porter and I have some details to bang out.” He grabbed my ass harder, pressing his fingers low between my cheeks. Kate was too distracted by the new company standing next to Chase to notice my gasp.

“Your patient’s stable, told you there was nothing to worry about.” The awful expression on Dr. Jenning’s face mimicked the strained sound of his voice.

Kate, visibly uncomfortable by the hostility between Chase and Carl, retreated to the supply closet. If Chase’s hand weren’t now snaked down the back pocket of my shit brown scrubs, I would have done the same.

Chase shook his head in disgust. He had zero tolerance for incompetence and clearly thought the dry anesthesiologist sucked at his job. I half expected him to berate Carl Jennings right there for existing, but Chase was too professional for that. Without another word, Carl strolled away, leaving Chase and I standing uncomfortably close in a room full of people.

“Um ... that was awkward.” I widened the space between us. Chase’s hand slipped from my pocket.

“No. He’s a fucking moron. Awkward…” he said, parting his lips into a one-sided half smile that stirred my butterflies. “Awkward was hearing my team talk about my girl’s clear skin.” His accentuation of “clear skin” made me bite my bottom lip. No argument there. That was definitely awkward.

“Um, trust me. Just be glad you walked in then and not before. That would have redefined awkward.” The heat hit my cheeks a-freaking-gain.

Chase tipped his head back and snickered. “I don’t think I want to know. I’m sure you realize, baby, I won’t be leaving you alone in my OR with the boys again.” Welcome back, Dr. Possessive. The humor behind his eyes turned sultry. “Now I’m pretty sure, you agreed to ... come with me. Or do you need our OR nurses to remind you?”

Mortified, I chewed my lip harder. “You, Dr. Colton, are an Asspuck.”

“Well you, Ms. Porter, are beautiful. And if you keep biting that lip, our little secret is not going to be a secret anymore when I kiss that sassy mouth right here.” His volume was two decibels higher than I would have liked, but the sexy sweetness in his eyes melted me. I almost wanted him to kiss me. Almost. “Let’s go back to my office. We’ll pound out those details and I’ll order us some food. Sushi?” He was so just one of the boys.

Luckily, we left the recovery room without any PDA and pressed for the elevator. Remembering the new piece of Chase’s puzzle I discovered today, I hoped his playful mood might open him up to me a little, so I went for it. “Hey, when did you have the time to invent that equipment you were talking about? You were one of those child prodigy kids, weren’t you? I should call you Doogie Howser, hmm.”

“You can call me anything you want, as long as it’s my name you’re moaning when I’m between your legs.”

“Chase!” I squealed and scanned the hallway to make sure no one heard him.

“That’s more like it, baby.”

His amusement was infectious, and damn, those bedroom eyes killed me. It was a welcomed change to see him this relaxed and playful at work.

“No, really. Why didn’t you ever mention inventing equipment before—was that the Boston company Asher was talking about that night at dinner?”

His demeanor shifted ever so slightly, but it shifted. “Never came up. Let’s get back to what you want to order. I already know what I’m going to eat.”

As much as Chase’s flirting turned me on, he was avoiding the topic. I understood not wanting to talk about his dead sister, but why dodge a career question? Chase was passionate discussing all things medicine. It made no sense. Before I could press the issue, the steel stair door swung open and Guy walked out looking content with himself.

“Hey, case all done? I’m looking for Petit, got some scut for him to finish.” Thankfully, he wasn’t interested in asking where we were headed.

“No you don’t, I want you both rounding on the kid hooked up to the KimCore. He should be in the ICU by now.” Chase easily snapped back into business mode.

“Why? He’s not our problem. He’s on the trauma service. You just showed them how to put the catheter in, right? That doesn’t make him a neuro case.”

“First of all, if I tell you to round on someone, you do it. No questions asked. Second of all, if we lay so much as a finger on a patient, they become our fucking problem. Understand? I don’t care whose service they technically fall under—you’ll make sure you put a goddamn note in the chart every day. That’s how I run my service.” Dr. Intensity resurfaced. I lingered back, speechless, while Guy’s face had what the fuck crawled up your ass written all over it.

Guy’s common sense kicked in and told him not to debate hospital policy technicalities with Chase. He was never going to win. “Whatever you want, Chief.” He held both hands up in surrender. “I’ll add the kid to the list, make sure we round on him.”

“Actually, any patient on the KimCore gets added to the list. Starting now,” he barked.

Guy had to be mentally counting down the days left on this rotation. Him and me both. But for polar opposite reasons. Jackson was spot on when he said Guy rubbed Chase the wrong way, so I couldn’t blame Guy for wanting off this service. I, on the other hand, had enough sneaking around pretending to only have a professional relationship with my boss.

“Sure.” Guy didn’t bother to hide his eye roll when he answered Chase’s last demand. I wondered if Chase was punishing Guy or if he really believed the KimCore patients needed neuro’s attention. Chase’s attention. God, I hoped it was the latter; otherwise my sweet, sexy boyfriend was just being a dick. What the hell was KimCore anyway?

When the elevator opened, I gave Guy a sympathetic wave before stepping inside. Chase wasn’t done.

“And while you’re at it, Dr. Hunter, remember your job is to actually teach the intern something, not just scut him out. Why don’t you give it a fucking try? You have time for sex tales in my OR; you have time to teach. Understand?” Point made. Loud and clear. Dr. Possessive was totally not over it.

Guy, being Guy, ignored Chase’s spanking and got the last word in. “Enjoy the elevator ride, Chief.”

Luckily, we didn’t speak about Guy or anything else from the morning during lunch. In fact, we skipped speaking in general. Instead, Chase did as he promised if I came with him, and fed me some delicious sushi.

15

Papers

“So, Lee, you need to keep the weekend of August twenty-first open for Sierra’s baby shower.”

It was a little before nine and the rest of the team was at surgical grand rounds.

“Weekend?” Leanne questioned.

“The shower is going to be in Cape Cod.”

“As in, Massachusetts? What, Arizona was too far?”

I ignored her sarcasm. “It’s gonna be Jack and Jill, so you can bring your flavor of the month.”

“You mean Jack and whore.”

Oops, she wasn’t feeling my humor.

“You know I’m teasing. What? You can dish it out but can’t take it, huh?”

Leanne continued to pout despite my joke. Okay, it probably wasn’t all that funny.

“Whatever,” she caved and sighed.

I laughed. “Anyway, it’s going to be at the Wychmere Beach Club in Harwich Port.”

“So you’re basically telling me I need to sit in the car for six hours or probably more because we’re gonna hit a shitload of traffic to prance around at a fancy beach club.” This time she feigned annoyance.

Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if Sierra’s parents bought plane tickets for all of Sierra’s friends, but I didn’t say that. “Oh come on, it will be a blast. We’ll head up Friday after work, go out, have some drinks … and after the shower, we can hang on the beach, and work on our tans. It’ll be fun.”

“Okay, okay. You had me at sun and tans. I’m in, now I just have to find a date.”

“What about Jack? You guys have been eying each other up and down for weeks.” I swore Leanne’s cheeks turned magenta; I didn’t think she had it in her. “Leanne Crowley, are you blushing?”

“Don’t you have something better to do? Discharge someone, call an insurance company, whatever the hell you do.” She waved me off as she stood and circled the counter, attempting to busy herself.

“I hit a nerve,” I said, chuckling. “He’s hot, Lee, and genuinely awesome, you should totally work that.”

Leanne immediately twirled her long blonde hair. She was definitely considering, or reconsidering, Jack.

“Excuse me, sorry to interrupt.” A tall, thin suited gentleman approached us at the nurses’ station. “I’m looking for Ms. Lili Porter. The security office sent me to this floor.”

I shifted uncomfortably. He looked very official carrying a large sealed envelope.

“Can I help you? I’m Lili Porter.”

“Yes. I’m a process server, and I’m here to deliver you official court documents.” A small, familiar lump formed in my throat. He handed me the envelope. “I need your signature here, please, just verifying you received the documents.” I took his pen and scribbled my name on the line. “I recommend you review them as soon as possible. They are usually very time sensitive. Any questions you might have, I would encourage you to contact your attorney.”

“Thank you,” I said.

“Have a pleasant day.” He strode directly away without a backward glance.

“What the hell was that about?” Leanne looked shocked. “You’re being subpoenaed? For what?”

I tore the large familiar envelope open and removed the single sheet of paper.

You are commanded to appear before Judge Wilson of the Superior Court of the State of Pennsylvania for Wrangel County at the County Courthouse, 15 Main St. Wrangel, PA, on Friday, July 28 at 9 AM to testify on behalf of the plaintiff and to remain in attendance until you have given your testimony or have been dismissed or excused by the court.

“I was a social worker at a children’s crisis center back in my hometown. Unfortunately I have had to testify my fair share. Mostly family court stuff, but also a few child abuse cases. They can take forever to go to trial, guess this is one finally coming to fruition.” I sighed. “Can you tell the team I had to take care of something? Gonna run and make a few calls.”

“You okay?” Leanne looked concerned.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. It’s more annoying than anything.” The thought of another innocent child being abused made me sick to my stomach.

“Okay. I’ll let them know.”

“Thanks.” I grabbed my bag from my office and headed for the river’s edge. Call me naive, but I planned to never set foot back in Wrangel. Now I had no choice.

“Hey Asspuck,” Sierra answered on the first ring. “Aren’t you working or did Dr. Hot-as- Balls give you the day off?”

“I have to go home.” The words singed my tongue.

“Explain home?” Sierra demanded.

“I have to be in Wrangel by nine AM Friday morning,” I paused. Shit, saying it out loud made it real.

“Wrangel. You’re not going back there. What are you talking about?”

“I have no choice. I was just served papers to testify in a child abuse case from years ago.”

“You’re kidding. What the hell? You’ve been gone more than three years.”

“Yeah, but you of all people know how long it takes for some of these cases to come to trial.”

“This is ridiculous.”

“Ya think?” Stealing Chase’s favorite line almost comforted me. Almost. “Shit, Sier, what if I see him … I can’t see him, but you know how freaking small our town is. If word gets out I’m coming home ... he’ll totally track me down. You know he will.” My phone chimed. Perfect timing for a pause.

Where are you?

What papers were you served?

Call me. Xo.

Grand rounds must have ended and I guessed that Leanne didn’t waste a second opening her mouth.

“Lili, talk to me,” Sierra pleaded.

“What? Sorry. I’m here, just reading a text from Chase. He’s looking for me.”

“Can’t you get out of this? I’m gonna call Dodd to see what he can do.”

“No, you’re not. I’m probably just overreacting. I just needed to vent. It’ll be quick. I’ll fly out tomorrow night and fly back late Friday night. Really, I’ll be fine.”

A familiar hand squeezed my shoulder before I felt his breath bathe the back of my neck. “Beautiful?”

“Um, Sier, I have to call you back. Chase just got here ... yeah, call you later, bye.”

“Why have you been ignoring your texts? I’ve been looking all over for you.”

I removed my sunglasses from my face “Well, I’m right here.”

“Okay, fill me in then. Want to tell me why someone served you legal papers?” He looked tense.

“Chase, it’s no big deal. I told you what I used to do back home and unfortunately, testifying was a part of my old job.” My throat burned when I uttered the word “home” out loud a second time. There was nothing homey about it anymore. “Just haven’t had to do it in a few years, so it sort of caught me by surprise.”

Revisiting all my suppressed memories was the real issue, but that I kept quiet. He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned his hip against the back of a bench.

“When do you have to go?”

“I have to be there Friday morning, so I’ll probably head out tomorrow.”

“We’ll head out.” He didn’t hesitate.

“Chase, that’s crazy, you’re not going to just up and leave, you have cases.” And there is no way in hell you’re coming with me. He dropped his arms and walked toward the water, pacing back and forth a couple of times before his eyes commanded my attention. “That’s sweet, but it’s no big deal. It’s less than twenty-four hours I’ll be gone, you can’t just leave.” I repeated, trying to get Chase to see how crazy he was being.

“Yes, I can. I can do what I want, Lil, that’s one of the perks of being Chief of the department.” Well hello, Dr. Cocky.

The corners of my mouth lifted slightly and I hesitantly questioned, “What about your cases on Friday?”

“What about them? I will reschedule them. Fuck, I’ll do them on Sunday if I have to.” Okay. Looks like traveling to Wrangel alone was out of the question. “I’m coming with you, end of discussion. You’re not going to a courthouse full of fucked up people by yourself, for any reason.” Dr. Possessive was adamant.

Shockingly, my shoulders and stomach relaxed slightly. I wasn’t doing this alone. Maybe having Chase with me would make it easier. Or was I just trying to convince myself? It didn’t matter, because right at this moment, I no longer felt alone.

“Thank you.”

He pulled me into a tight embrace and kissed my forehead. “Anything for you, baby. Anything.”

I let my body melt into his chest, breathing in his scent that I was beginning to crave more than air itself.

We boarded the plane late Thursday evening after a non-stop day of calling and rescheduling Chase’s Friday cases. The fact that his last minute “conference” randomly coincided with my last minute trip home may have been lost on the boys, but definitely not on Leanne. The girl had a sex sixth sense. She even felt the need to point out that our not-so-silent kiss outside the on call room was a great distraction during Kate’s breakdown. Oh, and she definitely didn’t miss the Blue slip up. Fortunately, there was no time for her to share her revelations with the rest of the team since Chase occupied them with operating all day.

After our short (probably a good thing) hour and a half flight (five more minutes and we would have joined the mile high club) into Erie International Airport, we rented a car for the second leg of the trip. To say the least, Chase entertained me the entire flight, keeping a close personal eye to never let my champagne glass waver from three quarters full. So when a first class passenger asked if we were on our honeymoon and Chase casually responded with “nothing more romantic than northern Pennsylvania,” I choked on my bubbly and burst into laughter. I definitely made up for Chase’s lack of drinking, no surprise he chose seltzer. He was a stickler for no drinking and driving.

He must have sensed I needed the stress outlet, assuming I was anxious about testifying in court, which of course was a little nerve-racking. But the true reason was staying deep beneath my beautiful. Fortunately for me, he was really good at keeping my mind from traveling down that inevitable road.

“Is this where we’re staying?” Chase pulled into the quaint, two-story motel just on the outskirts of town. When I booked the room, the thought of actually sleeping in the center of town accentuated my nausea. And since my dad knew I wouldn’t be staying at his house, he insisted we stay here. Thankfully, I had reached a level of alcohol intoxication where everything was blissfully fuzzy. I didn’t really care where I slept, as long as it was with Chase.

“What, not fancy enough for you?” I teased. “Scared of the bedbugs?”

“No, just making sure this was the right place, and until you brought it up, bedbugs hadn’t crossed my mind. Thanks for that.” He raised his chiseled brow and cocked his head to the side. Damn, he was cute.

“Don’t worry, my dad’s wife’s family owns the place, it’s super clean. Plus, Dad made sure to reserve us a non-bedbug room. It doesn’t get much fancier in Wrangel. We max out at three stars.” I smiled. “You okay with an early breakfast with him before I have to meet the attorney at 8:30?”

“Baby, I’m fine. I’m up at four every morning. It’s you I’m worried about.” Chase missing his beauty rest was not the issue; my very overprotective father was my concern. “I have some serious pipe to lay and I’m not promising you’re going to bed anytime soon.” He leaned over the console and kissed my cheek.

I glanced at the dashboard clock—11:02 PM—and giggled again. Five minutes from the center of Wrangel and I was giggling. Crazy how my life had changed in this last month!

Chase hopped out of the car, circling to my side to help me out. Always the gentleman. “Let’s get checked in. Leave the bags, I’ll run back and get them.”

We headed through the deserted parking lot toward the only light that illuminated the whole motel. I forgot how dark it was in the middle of nowhere.

“Is that you, darling?” Not even two steps through the door, my dad’s sister-in-law stepped around the counter and crushed me with a giant hug. Sharon’s family had adopted me as their own immediately after they were married.

“Sure is. So great to see you, Dana. Feels like forever since I’ve been here.”

She pushed me back at arms’ length to give me a good once over.

“It has been, sugar. You thinner? Your dad is always telling us what a runner you’ve become.” I glanced at Chase who was quietly leering, no doubt reminiscing about our NYC run where I practically keeled over from exhaustion. “He’s been missin’ your smiling face, Lili. All he talks about is how proud he is of you. What a life you have made for yourself in Philly.”

“I miss him too, can’t wait to see him. I wish it was under better circumstances.” Chase’s hand curled around mine, sending a familiar shiver down my spine; I loved how responsive he was to me. “We’re having an early breakfast at the diner tomorrow.” I snuggled him into my side. “Dana, this is my boyfriend, Chase Colton. Chase, this is my stepmom’s sister, Dana.”

“Well well well, what do we have here?”

Chase extended his hand.

“Oh no, sugar, I need a hug.” She tried to wrap her arms around his broad shoulders and I swear he blushed. Dana was petite, very pretty and a blonde who curved in all the right places. I grinned as he stiffened under her charm. “Lili, he’s a gem, you found yourself a good egg.”

Her kind sentiment reminded me of something my dad would say.

Dana handed me a key. “So we set you up in the suite at the end. More windows, better light, has a small couch and dining set. I know it’s not Philly quality, but I hope it will do.”

“Oh Dana, that sounds perfect.”

Chase stepped forward to place his Amex on the counter.

“Absolutely not, you are family. Put that card away.” She shooed the card back toward Chase. “Now you two must be exhausted, go. Besides I’m wiped and off to bed too, not expectin’ anyone else. Make sure to stop and say bye in the morning.”

“Thank you very much, Dana, pleasure meeting you.” He put the credit card back in his wallet. Dr. Money-Bags was uncomfortable about not paying.

Welcome to my world.

I gave Dana another quick hug. “We’ll see you in the morning. Thanks again, goodnight.”

She smiled and walked through a closed door that I only assumed was a bedroom. Chase and I headed toward the stairs leading to our room on the second and top floor.

“Baby, I’ll grab the bags and meet you up there.” He gave me a quick peck and jogged back toward the car.

“Careful with my new clothes.”

He shook his head mid-stride and I laughed, loving that he got my humor. I climbed the outdoor stairs, admiring the hundreds and hundreds of twinkling stars. I filled my lungs with the fresh country air while our planetarium evening flashed through my mind. And at the forefront were the unforgettably beautiful lyrics that I had been reciting ever since. Would I let Chase see beneath my beautiful?

“You’re not in the room yet?” Chase dropped the bags and snaked his arms around my waist, pulling my back against his chest. He made smelling my hair a seductive act. “Mmm. Whatcha looking at?”

“Just the stars.” I snuggled in closer and pushed that looming question aside. “Come, let’s go. I want you naked.”

“Now that’s the “c” word I like to hear.”

Chase cuddled into my sated body, kissing and sucking my neck right below my ear.

“Mmm, what a way to wake up. No traffic report today, huh?” I chuckled.

“Not my fault. I’m more than available to satisfy your needs anytime prior to four AM.” His tongue continued to explore my highly erogenous earlobe and neck. I wiggled my ass against his arousal.

“See what you’re missing? Let’s compromise,” I proposed. “Stay in bed a little bit longer.”

He flipped me around, pulling me tightly against his hard chest. His cock now found a very comfortable home between my legs.

“How about you get up a little bit earlier and I won’t be missing anything.” Meet Dr. Stubborn.

He knew he was so going to get his way, but right now I was getting mine. I inched my fingers between our bodies and slid my hand down his sexy chest and abs, finding my prize. I stroked him from base to tip and Chase groaned into my neck. He cradled my breast and his warm mouth bathed my nipple. My back arched instantaneously, giving him better access.

“Mmm.” I sat up a little and licked and nipped my way down to his unbelievably arousing V-cuts. I worshipped his nipples and chiseled abs, tracing the symbols of his tattoo with my tongue. I had dreamt of doing that. I pondered its true meaning and relished in the moment that he was allowing me to pleasure him. He relaxed and conceded to me ravishing his body with my mouth. I arranged my body between his thighs and continued to gently stroke him. My mouth savored his taste. He entwined his fingers through my hair and released deep sounds of pleasure.

“Oh Lili, baby, that feels so good.”

I smiled with my mouth wrapped around his thick erection and sucked a little harder. When he talked to me like that I felt sexy and in control. I dragged my teeth slowly up his length.

“Fuck,” he groaned.

I gripped him at the base and rubbed my thumb up and down the underside, pumping him faster and faster. He gripped my hair tighter and I sensed he was close. I sucked his smooth head, taking him deep to the back of my throat. His breathing accelerated and became shallow and ragged.

“Oh baby, I’m gonna come.”

I pumped my hand and mouth along his rock hard length several more times and he released and shuddered against my mouth. I swallowed and swallowed, savoring every last drop.

“Holy shit, baby, that felt so fucking good.” His head fell back and he released my hair, resting his forearm against his forehead.

I was more than satisfied that he finally let me get him off alone.

“Come up here, let me taste you.”

I looked at him with confusion. Then I realized where he wanted me. Holy crap, this man never ceased to amaze me.

He grabbed my hips, helping me up. I climbed from the covers and straddled his face. I was insanely turned on and the ache inside me was so deep I would have done anything to relieve it. I followed his command.

“Hold on to the bed frame.” He put a second pillow behind his head and secured his arms around my thighs. His tongue found me immediately.

“Oh my god,” I gasped instantly, wiggling my hips over his face. He slowly sucked and licked every bit of my sensitive flesh before plunging his tongue deep inside. My body convulsed in response. “Chase!” The sensations of his slick wet tongue sliding up and down my folds mixed with the coarseness of his bearded stubble was almost too much to take. I pulled back slightly in response, but he held me in place. He clamped down with the perfect amount of pressure. I came hard, circling my hips over and over against his face as he relentlessly sucked until every last wave rolled through. He smiled against my inner thigh.

“Baby, that was so hot.”

I slid my body down his chest, collapsing on top of his body.

“Chase, that was amazing.”

“I know.” Now he grinned against my forehead. I was way too tired to call him a cocky bastard. I giggled instead, cherishing my complete state of euphoria. He leaned down and kissed the tip of my nose.

“Hate to interrupt, but it’s 6:30, baby.”

“Ugh, we’re meeting my dad in an hour, crap.” Reveling in the moment, I clung to his chest. His power to abolish every ounce of my anxiety was unfathomable. This man’s arms were my peace.

“My girl really hates the mornings, huh? Go put your eyes in, shower, I’ll find us some coffee.” He swatted my ass.

I slid my naked body off his chest, moaning my displeasure the entire way. I ran a hand through my freshly fucked hair and briskly walked to the bathroom.

“Now that’s one sight I will never tire of.”

I stared at my reflection in the mirror for several moments; I looked happy. More importantly I felt happy. This man was here with me. In Wrangel. He wanted to be. He cared for me, worried about me. I was happier than I had been in my whole life, and ironically, I was in the place I dreaded the most.

We walked into the tiny diner in the center of town that was situated directly across the street from the courthouse. Nothing had changed. It was like time had stood still. Besides a bit more chipped paint and a couple more crooked shutters, the short drive from the motel to the center of town was exactly the same. No one had the time or money to take care of their overgrown, slightly dilapidated properties. A far cry from the perfectly manicured lawns and gardens filling the city parks I was accustomed to. People in Wrangel worked to provide the daily essentials. Eating and spreading town gossip happened to be two pastimes they did not skimp on. That meant the majority of them frequented the diner before heading to their respectable jobs.

Chase opened the dirty glass door and the familiar waft of insanely strong coffee mixed with greasy eggs and bacon reminded me why I avoided diners in Philly. I associated the combined odor with my miserable life in Wrangel.

Toward the back of the restaurant, hidden between the tattered white booth walls, was my father. Tears pricked the back of my eyes as I watched the all too familiar scene play before me. Legs crossed at the ankles and shoulders slightly slumped, he casually flipped through the morning paper and sipped his coffee. Years of hard outdoor work were etched into every deep line and wrinkle on his face. His ruddy cheeks and dark weathered skin were evidence of the long hours he spent in the sun. His short, light brown hair now sprinkled with grey hung loosely across his forehead. Stubble crossed his chin and lip as if he hadn’t shaved for lack of time or care, yet there was always a lightness about him. I stood for several moments before his cloudy blue grey eyes found mine. The corners of his mouth lifted into a small smile as his right eye gave me my quintessential wink. A wink he had been giving me since I was a tiny girl. My smile was instantaneous. Chase’s hand on my lower back nudged me forward. Seconds later I was wrapped in the arms of my dad.

“Babydoll, you’re stunning.” Oddly enough my dad called me a combination of two sentiments I heard on a daily basis. “Let me see you.” I stepped back so he could take me in. My dad rarely saw me dressed up, with designer clothes, no less. I decided on a navy linen sheath dress and matching suit jacket paired with my sling back camel Louboutins. My long dark hair was blown straight, hanging to the middle of my back. “Oh Lil, your hair looks gorgeous, I don’t think I’ve ever seen it this long.” My dad was never shy about giving compliments.

“Thanks, Dad. I’ve missed you so much.” I squeezed him tighter and glanced back at Chase. His soft smile warmed my heart. The two most important men in my life were meeting. “Dad, I have someone important to introduce you to.” My giddiness must have been infectious, because both men looked genuinely happy. “This is my boyfriend, Chase Colton. Chase, this is my dad, James Porter.” Boyfriend. I really liked the sound of that.

“Chase.” My father’s rough, oil-stained hand made contact with Chase’s clean, surgeon-quality hand. The affectionate embrace was my two different worlds colliding.

“My pleasure, Mr. Porter, very nice to finally meet you.”

My dad slid back into the booth, and Chase and I filed in across from him.

“Please call me Jim, we’re not that formal up here. So Chase, my daughter tells me you’re a well-respected doc.” My overprotective father wasn’t wasting any time feeling Chase out. Trusting another man with his daughter was not something my father took lightly. Trust, period, was a rare commodity for us Porters over recent years.

“Dad, I told you Chase is a neurosurgeon at the hospital.”

“That’s right. You good at what you do, son?”

I don’t think I ever heard my dad use that term, even casually, when speaking to fuck-face.

“I’d like to think I provide the best care possible for my patients.” Chase squeezed my hand under the table.

“That’s a good answer, son. So how long have you known my Lili?”

I held my breath, unsure how my dad would accept our relationship if he knew we’d only been dating three and half weeks.

“Coffee? Miss, Sir.” We nodded at our waitress, who handed us menus then slopped coffee into our mugs. A perfectly timed pause. “Cream, milk?”

“Black is fine, thanks. So Dad, what have you been up to?” Luckily he was easily distracted.

“Just working, babydoll, and lots of it. It’s been nuts down at the garage this week. Street car race up at the speedway this weekend. All the boys left this morning. Hopefully gone the whole weekend, but damn, was my garage packed this week. Of course everyone wanted their car in top shape.” His accentuation of boys lifted a three-year weight from my shoulders. I knew exactly who he was referring to. He was assuring me there wouldn’t be an accidental run in with fuck-face; he never missed one of those stupid races. The yacht-sized knots in my shoulders and neck released.

“Oh yeah, I remember those stupid races. Good for business, though.”

He nodded and took a sip of his coffee.

“When you gonna retire, Dad, have you thought about it?”

“I don’t know. Sharon really wants to travel a bit. I’ve been trying to save a little money.”

“Dad, you should do it while you’re healthy. You deserve some time to yourself, not working. Why don’t you start with a visit to us?”

“It’s been years since I was down in Philly, last time had to be when your mother was still alive.” Dad still couldn’t mention my mother without an aura of longing. She was his world. His everything. I always felt cheated that I never got to see their story play out firsthand. “You look just like her, babydoll. You’re turning into a beautiful woman.”

“Thanks, Dad. But don’t get all mushy, Chase doesn’t want to witness that.”

Chase ran a soothing hand up and down my thigh several times.

“So Jim, know anything about this trial Lili has to testify for today?” Chase tactfully changed the subject this time.

“It’s been in the paper on and off for weeks. A sad one. Kid got burned, luckily he recovered, though.”

Chase’s hand froze on my thigh. He was so not okay with this whole situation.

“I only spoke on the phone with the attorney briefly the other day and they emailed me all my old documentation to review. Poor kid was only seven when I saw the red flags, mostly verbal abuse then. I suspected physical abuse and reported it. But there was no evidence. The system makes it so impossibly difficult sometimes. One look at the poor kid and you could tell something was wrong. I recommended foster placement pending a more thorough investigation, but his mother denied everything and the case was closed. Unfortunately, she was the picture of abuse as well, but wouldn’t admit it. Still turns my stomach.” Nothing was going to change the outcome, but I couldn’t help but feel partially responsible. The bastard burned his own son. “Look, I can’t say I like testifying, and it definitely makes me nervous.” I needed to rethink the full-caff coffee. Ugh. “Okay, really nervous, but it’s part of the job. Someone has to be a voice for these kids. If I had screamed louder for this poor kid when I had the chance maybe it would have never gotten this far.”

“You’re not to blame.” My father barely let me finish my sentence. “You did everything you could to help that kid, you always do. He was lucky he had you on his side, especially back then when everything ... was going on. No one else could have done more.” Dad caught himself. “You didn’t fail that kid, the system did, just like it fails everyone. It’s not right you got dragged back here, Lili, it’s not right.”

“Dad.” I covered his worn hands with my own. “It’s fine. Really, Dad. I’m fine. And I’m glad I’m here with you.” I gave him one of his own comforting winks, hoping my overprotective father read between the lines. I was fine. And the gorgeous man secretly caressing my thigh had almost everything to do with it.

“Still, babydoll. It has to be hard to sit up there. I give you a lot credit.” Dad looked at Chase, who gently kissed my temple.

“What do you say, let’s order. I’m starved.” Dad waved our waitress over.

“I think that’s a fine idea.” Chase agreed and steered the conversation toward idle chitchat while we ate.

I stayed quiet, listening to the two men of my life get to know each other. Chase seemed genuinely interested in Dad’s shop talk and asked my father lots of questions about some classic cars he was interested in. Boys and their cars. And of course, my dad rambled on about how Claude Julien needed to make serious changes next season if the Bruins had a chance. Chase was smart enough to agree. Emphatically. Even though, I swore there were a few moments Chase looked a little lost. Basically testosterone drove the breakfast conversation. I didn’t mind in the least. Who was I kidding? I loved it.

Before it was time to go, Chase excused himself to the restroom and quietly handled the bill, insisting to my dad that it was the least he could do to thank my father for arranging our hotel stay.

“It was great meeting you, Jim. Would love to have you down to Philly or even Manhattan. Your daughter took a real liking to the Big Apple, especially the planetarium.” Heat flushed my cheeks instantly. Oh no he didn’t. “She’d probably be a better tour guide than me. Maybe we can plan something for the fall.”

“Sounds good, I’ll check with the boss lady.” Dad smiled and pulled me in for a tight embrace. “Take care of my babydoll, Chase. I don’t trust easily, but you seem like a good man.”

“Thanks, Jim. She’s definitely precious cargo.” Chase and Dad shared one last handshake. Damn, my heart near melted.

“Bye, Dad. Please send Sharon my love and tell her sorry we missed her. I’ll call you later, let you know how it went.”

“Bye, babydoll. Good luck.” After one more precious wink, my dad headed back to work, and Chase and I crossed the street toward the courthouse.

“First, thanks for breakfast.” I kissed his perfectly chiseled cheek. “I know it’s no big deal to you, but my dad is kind of a proud man. Thanks for how you handled the check.”

“He should be proud. He works hard and raised an amazing daughter as a single parent. I couldn’t have more respect for the man. And I told you, baby, you never have to thank me. I would feed your entire family every meal for the next twenty years to see that smile on your face.” This time Chase leaned down and kissed my nose. “So if that was first, is there a second?”

I loved that devilish grin, but even more, I loved that I was the only one who got to see it.

“And second, the planetarium? Really! I could have killed you.” I playfully pushed him away from me.

Laughing, he embraced me tighter. “Hey. Did I lie? I distinctly remember you chanting how amazing it was, like it was your mantra. Or were you referring to something other than ... the exhibit?” His eyes sparkled, making him look impossibly adorable.

“You’re impossible!” I nestled my flushed face into his side, tempted to laugh myself.

“And you’re pure sweet.” His voice was serious before his lips touched mine. “Now let’s go, so you can get this over with. Maybe if there is time after, you can show me the rest of your hometown?”

“Sounds great.” And it did. I marveled at his ability to ease my nerves and turn my emotions around. “Not that the grand tour of Wrangel takes that long. You’re looking at most of it.” I gave my best Vanna White impression and waved my hand toward the few blocks that made up the town. “Or maybe we can just go back to the hotel instead, and you can remind me of everything amazing about the planetarium.”

Chase lifted my chin, holding my gaze. “Nothing sounds better ... but first tell me one thing, do the boys being away at a race have something to do with your sudden change in attitude? Truth.”

“Um. Dad’s not so subtle. Hmm?”

“Subtle? Not a fucking bit.”

Dad needed serious work on his poker face. Chase’s jaw tightened and the amusement in his eyes was gone. “Look. Not that I’m complaining. You’ve been on eggshells since you got served those fucking papers, and I don’t care what you say, I know it wasn’t all about this trial. You could handle this in your sleep.” He nodded toward the courthouse doors. “You said it yourself, it’s part of the job you’ve done plenty of times before. Fuck, you watched a patient almost bleed out on my table and you held your shit together like a pro. Then your dad lets the cat out of the bag that your ex is out of town, and all of a sudden, it’s like he took a ten-ton brick off your back.” Chase’s voice deepened. “Something I need to worry about, Blue?”

The color drained from my face. How was I supposed to answer that? I pursed my lips, but no words came out. It was like someone sucked away the air I needed to make sound.

“Are you still in love with him?” His words sounded worse than nails on a chalkboard and I found my stolen air.

“Oh hell no. Absolutely not. Love him?” I spat, literally spat. “Chase, I’m so sorry if I gave you that impression. God no. I ... I don’t think I ever loved him. I don’t know what I felt, but it wasn’t love.” I smoothed my hair, trying to find the right words. “I’m embarrassed that I even stayed with him as long as I did. I was young and didn’t really know ... I didn’t have anything to compare it to ... in love with him? He was the biggest mistake of my life. So to answer your question ... no. You have absolutely nothing to worry about. That’s truth.”

I was still in a state of shock that the possibility even crossed his mind. He grabbed my hands, demanding my attention.

“Look at me, baby.” The tension released from his grip once my eyes lifted, connecting with his. My eyes were his peaceful place. His worry vanished on contact.

“Chase, I...”

“Shh. Say no more.” He cut me off. “As far as I’m concerned, you don’t have to say another word about him. He was a fucking moron to never take care of someone as special as you. And if just knowing you’re not going to run into him makes it easier for you to be here, then I’m happy for you. Shit. I’m fucking thrilled he’s not here. The thought of coming face to face with someone who has seen you naked pisses me off anyway. I don’t care how long ago it was. Call me selfish.” He lifted my hand and brushed kisses along my knuckles.

“Bossy ... possessive ... insanely sexy, maybe, but I would never say selfish. You’re the furthest thing from it, Chase Colton.” I swallowed past a small lump of emotion. “Thank you for everything, for coming with me and making this trip bearable, hell, even enjoyable. This place holds a lot of painful memories for me, but you need to know that seeing my dad today didn’t lift that brick off my back. You did that for me. A part of me has been asleep since I left here, and you’re the one who woke me up that first night we spent together ... so bossy and possessive, yes ... but selfish, definitely not.” My mind swirled with every fear and emotion I had suppressed the past few years. I wanted to say more, say everything, but I couldn’t figure out where to begin.

Chase’s smile reached his eyes when he cupped my cheeks between his hands. “What happened to insanely sexy?” he whispered before he crushed his soft lips to mine.

We kissed for what felt like forever outside the courthouse. I started to get dizzy then I remembered we were in public and separated us by an inch or two and smiled. My heart pounded against my chest, my breath labored.

“Yes, and insanely sexy.” I beamed and looked deep into his eyes, realizing this was real. He was real. And I trusted him with my heart.

16

Taking a STAND

Chase was comfortably seated in the visitor section when I followed closely behind the prosecutor to my seat near the front of the courtroom. The stuffy room was filled with nosey spectators all waiting to spread the latest gossip. It made me sick. My eyes drifted toward the defense table, wanting to place the defendant’s name with a face. The Wayne family name held a prominent place in our small town. They owned plenty of real estate, including the TJ Maxx strip mall in the center of town. Wealthy for northern Pennsylvania, the Wayne family was large and had no problem breeding their fair share of black sheep. The defendant was one of them.

I sucked in a sharp breath; it burned like swallowing acid. It wasn’t Roy Wayne that I recognized. Instead, the tightly cut dark hair and trim goatee was unmistakable. I sat across the table from the defense attorney at one too many family barbeques. My stomach churned and a rush of queasiness filled my gut. Derek Reed, selfish fuck-face’s cousin, was a dirty cutthroat lawyer who constantly plotted his next victory, regardless of who he took down on his way. I wasn’t sure if that made him really good at his job or just a ruthless ass. My head snapped forward as I tried to control my frenzied breath. Squeezing my eyes closed in disbelief, I cursed the coffee I drank this morning. Yet again. But what stung the most was that the pompous ass knew me. The old me. I wanted to search out Chase, but I knew he would read my panic. Instead, I kept my head low, fidgeted with my un-manicured nails and reminded myself why I was here. To confirm and validate my recommendations from a few years ago. That was it. It was all about Tommy Wayne, a defenseless little boy, who needed me to be his voice. No more.

After two other crisis center employees gave brief testimonies, the prosecutor mouthed that I was next. The judge swore me in, and I finally let my eyes wander in Chase’s direction. He parted his lips into the half smile he reserved for me. Arms folded across his chest, he was so beautiful as he sat there to support me.

I bowed my head ever so slightly and focused my attention back to the prosecutor, who diligently and efficiently went through her list of questions. I provided the appropriate yes or no responses and when we found our rhythm, I started to relax. I worked with her in the past and appreciated her seamless professionalism. No surprises, no trip ups, just the facts stated clearly and concisely with no room for interpretation. The cross examination, on the other hand, I dreaded.

Attorney Reed stood, his chair screeching against the hardwood floor, and abruptly walked toward the stand. He stopped at what felt like inches from my face. My body flinched back slightly, trying to escape his confrontation.

“Ms. Porter, good morning.” His snide expression irritated the hell out of me. He even angled his face enough to be hidden from the judge’s view. The only comparison to the uneasiness festering deep in my gut was to drinking spoiled milk. “Please state your full name and job title when employed by the crisis center.”

“Lili Marie Porter. Associate Director of Social Work at the Wrangel Children’s Crisis Center.”

“Are you still currently employed as a social worker?” Derek paced back and forth in front of the judge’s podium.

Yes or no answers, I silently chanted. “No.”

“Why’s that? No, let me rephrase. What is the title and location of your current employment?”

“I am a case manager at Philadelphia Hospital.”

“Did you end your job at the Crisis Center and immediately begin your job at the hospital?”

“No.”

“Was your leave of absence from the workforce to pursue higher education?”

“Yes ... um, no.” What the hell was he trying to prove? My pulse accelerated as sweat beaded beneath the long hair at the nape of my neck.

“Objection, badgering the witness. What is the relevance of this line of questioning?”

I used the prosecution’s interruption to shift in my seat and re-crossed my legs that were now stuck to the uncomfortable leather.

“Credibility of the witness, Your Honor.”

Shit. Un-fucking-believable. No pun intended.

“Proceed carefully, Attorney Reed.”

I peeked up at the judge who just gave this jackass the right-of-way to travel down this road.

“Care to clarify your last response, Ms. Porter?”

“Can you repeat the question?” My last line of defense was just relinquished, and I was staring at my empty net. This bastard was about to score.

“Again, was your leave of absence from the workforce to pursue higher education?” He stopped directly in front of me.

“No.” But you already know that.

“How long were you unemployed?”

“Four months.”

“Very well. We’ll get back to that. So, Ms. Porter, I would like to clarify a timeline. You filed your official report with Child Services, accusing my client Mr. Wayne on May 8th, three and a half years ago, and human resources at Wrangel Children’s Crisis Center has your last day as May 15th. Is it fair to say the Wayne’s family case was one of the last you worked on before your abrupt leave of absence?”

Gritting my teeth, I responded, “Yes.”

“Ms. Porter, have you ever falsely accused anyone of a crime before?”

No. This was not happening. Acid burned the back of my throat. Not caring if it was the last answered request of my life, I prayed for a fast-forward. A skip. Anything.

The walls started closing in, and the argument bouncing back and forth sounded more like a noisy snow of television static than “Objection” and “Withdrawn.”

I finally snapped out of my haze, unsure how many times Derek Reed had repeated my name in an attempt to regain my attention. The slimy piece of shit snaked his hands into his way too fitted pants pockets and focused at the jury when he asked, “Ms. Porter, who is Dan Reed?”

“Objection? Relevance?” This time, the prosecutor stood, slamming her hands on the top of the desk.

“Requesting some leeway, Your Honor, goes to credibility of the witness.” Derek shrugged and raised his hands to his sides in a what-did-I-do stance. Bastard.

“Overruled. Answer the question, Ms. Porter.”

Every fiber of my being wanted to scream selfish fuck-face, but I needed this to be over. Now. Answering his questions was my only ticket off this stand. “He is my ex-boyfriend.” I refused to utter his name.

“Is it or is it not true that Dan Reed very publicly announced the end of your relationship in a bar in town, approximately one month prior to your aforementioned abrupt leave of absence?”

“Yes.”

“Ms. Porter, did you ever accuse ... excuse me, my error. Did you ever file criminal charges against said ex-boyfriend?”

There was no error; he knew exactly what he was doing.

“Yes.” The hair on my arms and legs prickled, while my blood boiled. Swallowing was no longer a possibility; the golf ball size lump in my throat was responsible. And if I clenched my fists any tighter, I was going to draw blood.

“And what were those charges?”

I saw nothing but red, but my voice was steady. “Rape.”

The silence in the courtroom was deafening. I sensed the anger radiating from Chase. I didn’t look at him though. I couldn’t. I held my head high and my gaze straight ahead.

“Ms. Porter, am I correct that there was approximately a two-week lag between the alleged event and when you filed charges?”

“Yes.”

“And did you have a doctor’s appointment the day you brought the charges of this alleged rape?”

This fucker was going to make me say it. My eyes pleaded with the prosecutor to make him stop.

“Objection, this line of questioning is completely irrelevant.”

“I’m almost done, Your Honor. It helps establish a timeline, and Ms. Porter’s frame of mind at the time she filed a formal complaint accusing my client of child abuse. Being that she was the only person to ever question my client’s character, I believe it is completely relevant.”

“Overruled. Make your point quickly, Attorney Reed.” They both looked at me, waiting for a response.

Afraid of passing out, I concentrated on slowing my shallow pants before I answered. Over my dead body would he get the satisfaction of seeing me weak. “Yes.”

“What was your reason for that doctor’s visit, Ms. Porter?” Derek faced the jury, going in for the kill, officially becoming selfish fuck-face the second.

“Isn’t that personal?” I wanted to smack him across the face. My nails dug harder into my white-knuckled fists.

“Not if it’s relevant to your credibility, Ms. Porter, I’m sorry. Please answer the question.” The judge looked almost apologetic when he addressed me.

“I … I was pregnant.” You could have heard a pin drop. I took a punch to the gut. Direct hit. Any control I had on breathing was deserted. Ragged and labored, my mouth was as dry as cotton. I had no choice. I turned to where Chase was sitting. I needed to see him.

Bent over with his elbows on his knees and his fists clenched over his mouth, all I saw were his eyes. The fury was frightening. Intensity on fire. His eyes rhythmically jerked between selfish fuck-face number two and me. His arms and legs looked so tight, like he might explode out of the small chair at any moment. How had I let this happen? I could usually read his crystal gaze like a novel, but in that moment, I was left searching. Was he angry with me, livid that I never told him? His earlier question haunted me. Something I need to worry about, Blue? Shit, I should have just told him, why, why didn’t I?

“So let me get this right, the day you discovered you were pregnant, you decided to bring forth charges and accuse your ex of rape. Did you make any other monumental decisions that day?”

I was not going to be his victim. Derek knew everything. The truth. And his intentions were crystal clear. These questions were far from over. I inhaled deeply and directly faced his cold stare, but the coward’s eyes quickly darted away. “Yes. I called Boston University and deferred my acceptance to the master’s program.”

“Deferred? But you never did actually attend the program. Is that correct?”

“Yes. You’re correct. I was able to defer, but I wound up losing my scholarship. So no, I never attended.”

“Fine. Let’s continue.” Blood started to drip from my right palm, so I wiped the evidence of my fury on my new designer dark linen dress. A freeze-frame of our perfect NYC weekend flashed in my mind, adding fuel to my fire. The ugliness of my past still had the power to stain. “Ms. Porter, did you drop said rape charges two weeks later?”

“Yes.”

“Ms. Porter, I hate to ask a personal question again, but were you treated at Wrangel Community Medical center the day prior to dropping all charges?” His smugness was infuriating.

Please, Please. This needed to end. From across the room, I felt Chase’s heat, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him again. What was he thinking? Why hadn’t I just told him everything? I physically felt the rage that clouded his beautiful eyes moments ago running through my body. My knees shook involuntarily. It took every ounce of strength to keep the tears pooling beneath my contacts from falling. I would not give that son of a bitch lawyer the satisfaction.

“Yes.” The dam broke. Years of denial were over. “And I’m sure you want to know why. So let me save us all some time.” Screw hiding my anger.

The judge turned back to me. “Ms. Porter, please keep your answers to yes or no responses.”

“Objection, Judge, this line of questioning has gone on long enough. I do believe Attorney Reed has established a sufficient timeline.”

The drumming pulse in my ears grew louder. I ignored her objection. “No, it’s fine.” Screw yes and no responses. This was not ending on his terms. “I went to the hospital that morning because I was hemorrhaging. I had a miscarriage, to be exact. I lost so much blood I needed emergency surgery and two blood transfusions. I was discharged later that night. And yes, I did call the district attorney’s office the next morning and drop the charges. Is that a detailed enough timeline for you?” You self-righteous son of a bitch.

My body trembled head to toe, but I tightened muscles I never knew I had to hide it. The sounds coming from the audience were pure shock. I couldn’t look up; I couldn’t look at him, not yet. I was afraid to see disappointment. That was worse than anger, fury and rage, combined. Disappointment meant you failed someone. My chest pounded, creating an ache so deep and raw. It wasn’t fair how easily pieces of your private life were stolen, used against you and left to be scrutinized. The heat from my boiling blood settled in my cheeks, maybe from embarrassment, but mostly from pure exasperation.

“So to summarize our timeline, Ms. Porter, your boyfriend publicly broke up with you, two weeks later you found out you were pregnant, filed charges of alleged rape and deferred your plans of higher education, losing the scholarship you obviously needed.” His lips hardened while he watched and waited for the jury’s reaction. “Two weeks later you suffered a traumatic miscarriage, then proceeded to drop all charges the very next day.” That spineless fucker looked at everyone in the courtroom but me. “And during all this personal drama, you were able to remain diligently focused at work. So much so, you filed formal grievances against my client as an unfit father.” The asshole actually smiled, he fucking smiled. “No further questions, Your Honor. The witness is excused.”

The witness is excused. Just like that. It was over. Derek Reed may as well have said the defendant is excused. And not Roy Wayne, either. So this was a taste of why I turned my life upside down three years ago. Then, at least, I would have been prepared. But today, I was defenseless. Selfish fuck-face was not even in a sixty-mile radius, and he managed to bitch slap me one last time.

Taking a deep breath I composed myself as best I could, straightened my now blood stained dress and walked straight out. Eyes forward and chin up. All my resolve crumbled the second the warm August air hit my face. Tears just flowed. I tried wiping them away, but it was useless. I cried until the well ran dry.

I couldn’t tell you how long I sat on the bench across from the courthouse. Could have been five minutes, could have been an hour. The entire sick replay looped in my mind, always freezing on the same frame. The unreadable look on Chase’s face. I pressed my forehead against my palm and tried to massage the dull throb beneath my temples. With my eyes closed I sensed the tall shadow, then felt his presence sit down beside me. His arm brushed my side. The tension and anger radiating from his body was tangible. He removed my hand from my forehead and laced his fingers with mine. His strong bounding pulse clearly indicated the level of his agitation. I attempted swallowing, knowing I had to say something. To explain. But all I wanted was to feel his arms around me and for him to tell me everything was going to be okay. I didn’t move a muscle. I sat so still just waiting.

“What just happened in there, Blue?”

I twisted my head and opened my bloodshot eyes. Chase was staring forward in almost the same position as in the courtroom, forearms resting on his knees, fists clenched against his mouth, but this time my hand was sandwiched between his palms. In a death grip. He was mad.

“I can explain,” I pleaded, hoping he would turn and allow his eyes to connect. I needed to see them desperately. I needed to erase the last image burned in my brain of his eyes.

“What the fuck just happened in there?” His voice rattled with anger. It was obvious he was fighting for any shred of control. “You can explain? How about you start with, who the fuck is that guy? And don’t tell me you don’t know him because he sure as shit knows you.”

“We grew up together ... he’s ... Dan’s cousin.”

“Well, that’s fucking fantastic. He had no problem throwing you under the fucking bus in there!”

No shit. Seemed to be a Reed family trait. I focused on Chase’s sharp profile, while he continued looking straight ahead.

“This trial’s about a scumbag child abuser who deserves to be put behind bars for life. How the fuck did it become about you?” He released my hand and shot off the bench.

At the loss of contact, I pinched beneath my running nose and palmed away the tear tracks staining my cheeks. “They always try to discredit the witness. It’s part of the whole stupid process.”

“What?” Chase growled and finally turned to look at me. His crystal greys were dark. A darkness I had never seen. Like a black cloud on an otherwise clear day when you wondered what it would bring. “You want to question someone’s professional credibility, you show they suck at their job or, fuck ... show they’re an alcoholic or a fucking crackhead, for that matter. But what he just did to you in there ... fuck, Blue. He just went for your jugular in front of half your fucking hometown. And no one did a goddamn thing to stop it.” Chase clawed at his hair with such force, I was surprised he didn’t leave a bald spot. “You came all the way here to help her case, and that fucking prosecutor stood there and did absolutely nothing.” His breathing was hard and his neck was so taut, I thought he might pop a vessel.

“There was nothing she could do,” I said, willing to calm him with my eyes. “It wasn’t going to stop him.”

Chase stared at me like I’d lost my freaking mind. I assumed he had a different experience with the system … not a system that failed innocent victims time and time again. Being blindsided by Derek today knocked me off kilter, but the law giving him carte blanche to do it, that didn’t surprise me at all.

“That makes it okay?” His expression oozed disgust. “When my lawyers are done with that sick bastard, I’m going to have his head on a fucking platter.” Chase was losing it, his fists were tightly clenched and drawn slightly forward. His face was hard-lined. I imagined this was how he looked at his boxing opponent. All of a sudden, throwing instrument trays seemed like a toddler’s temper tantrum.

I stood up and reached for the arm that was raking the shit out of his messy brown locks. “Chase, please listen to me.” My voice cracked when I intended to sound steady and strong. “It’s not going to change anything. Trust me. He didn’t break any laws. Going after him ... is pointless, it can’t erase what’s done.”

My words cut deep, reopening old wounds, wounds that Chase had unknowingly begun to heal. I watched him continue to pace the concrete sidewalk, stewing over what I just said. I sensed that I just delivered the final blow.

He backhanded the air and I rushed forward, trying to soothe, resting my palms against his back. “I don’t give a shit what laws he did or didn’t break. Jesus. Fucking. Christ, Blue.” His muscles vibrated beneath my fingers. “He attempted to humiliate you in front of half the goddamn town.” He slowly turned around and my breath seized at the intensity of his gaze. I stepped in closer and grabbed his face between my hands. His voice dropped to a strained growl, “There is no way in hell that piece of shit is getting away with this.”

I swallowed the pride I spent three years rebuilding and whispered, “It doesn’t matter. They ... they ... all already knew.” I lowered my swollen lids and let my tears fall. The well was far from dry.

Chase’s pointer finger elevated my wet chin, until our eyes linked. Finally, I saw something familiar, the darkness faded. I saw realization wash through him. “That’s why you were so uneasy about this trip ... why you’ve been walking on eggshells?” His tone was softer. Less angry. He sounded hurt.

I had paused long enough. He needed to hear the truth from me. “Chase. I’m so sorry. I should have told you ... I wanted to. You didn’t deserve to hear it like this. You came all this way to support me ... you went out of your way to distract me and make coming home easier when you could tell something was off. I should have told you. I knew I could trust you. I foolishly tried to convince myself I could forget everything; that it didn’t have to affect my future. I want to tell you everything. Now. Why...”

“Shh. Shh. Blue.” Chase’s index finger covered my lips. “I told you before, you don’t have to say another word about him ... ever, and I meant it.” He gently wiped away a few lingering tears.

“Wait. Chase. Please hear me out.”

“Stop, not another word. It’s in the past. Let’s leave it there, you said it yourself, we can’t change anything.” He pulled me into a tight embrace and kissed the top of my head. His cocoon felt like cold gel on a sunburn. As soothed as I was by his touch, something was off. “Come on, I’m taking you home.”

I wiped my face for the bazillionth time. “But our flight’s not until later, and I don’t think we can change it.”

“Yes, I can. Watch me.”

Three hours later we were on a plane heading home. I was physically and emotionally exhausted, yet sleep was impossible. A tornado of emotions swirled through my brain, as I relived every moment, over and over again. My head found a resting spot against Chase’s shoulder, while his fingertips ran up and down my arm, my cheek, and my hair. His touch was consoling but not enough to erase the day’s events. Not enough to erase my frustrations. We barely spoke. Chase seemed comfortable in our silence, but it killed me. All he heard in court was the twisted, fucked version. Nothing that bastard said in court was a lie, and yet it was so far from the truth. Maybe that was enough for him. Maybe he believed that was my fucked up story and why he wouldn’t let me explain.

“You need to eat something. It’s been hours since breakfast, let me flag down the flight attendant.”

I said nothing. My stomach was in such a tight knot there was no way in hell any food would fit. I shook my head no and surprisingly he let it go.

The rest of the flight and car ride home remained quiet. There was an uneasy feeling between us, a sullenness. Pete slowed the town car to a stop in front of my apartment building.

“I figured you would want to be home.” He shrugged and glanced in my direction. “I promised Asher I’d meet him early tomorrow morning, so I’m gonna head back to my place.”

Confusion wrinkled my face, and tears immediately pricked the back of my eyes. Something really was off. Why hadn’t he mentioned meeting his best friend once over the past two days? I looked away, hoping to hide my impending breakdown. We hadn’t spent a night apart since our first night together, and he picked tonight to leave me. Alone. My emotional wall of iron instinctively started to re-erect. My heart literally ached. I was dirty and deceitful to him. I was no longer his pure sweet.

I faced the window, waiting for Pete to open the door. The sound of the trunk opening and closing interrupted the chilly silence. I crossed my arms tightly across my chest and stroked my upper arms. My chill had nothing to do with the August night air. I needed out of the car. Now.

Chase leaned across the seat and kissed my cheek. His warm breath tickled the nape of my neck, adding to my quivering. “Take a hot shower, crawl into bed and get some sleep.” His voice was flat, devoid of all emotion. Damn him for retreating into his head.

I did my best to lift my lips into a semblance of a smile. Then Pete opened my door and I stepped out. Maybe Chase just needed some space. Some time to process everything. Maybe I did too.

“Goodnight, Lil.”

Lil. Not Blue, not baby. Pete shut the car door and carried my bag up the walkway. I was crumbling and fast. My hands shook so hard, I barely fit the key in the lock.

“Everything okay, Ms. Porter?” Hell no.

“I’m fine, Pete, just a long day. Thanks for your help. I appreciate it,” I whispered, grabbing my luggage before finally closing the door on the third worst day of my life. My trembling body crashed against the hardwood, searching for support. Boneless, I slid into the fetal position and sobbed. And sobbed. I let every emotion I held in all day wrack through me. Anger, humiliation, frustration, heartache, and disappointment—I was ... devastated. Just when I let my guard down and trusted again. I trusted him.

“You idiot!” I screamed, smacking my tight fists against the hardwood floor. I was crying too hard to finish my own sentence, I should have just told him. Not that screaming at myself changed a damn thing. There were no do-overs.

I was schooled on that life lesson one rainy night in my childhood bedroom three years ago. If life handed out do-overs, I would have sucked it up and gone out to celebrate my stepmother’s birthday. Instead, I bailed to sulk at home all alone, too embarrassed over the scene fuck-face made the night before. That fucker had tried to save face by publicly dumping me, despite the fact that I had already ended things. I also would have answered his fifteenth call in a row that stormy night, instead of hitting ignore. Then I would have realized how plastered he was and called one of his loser friends or his scumbag cousin to track him down and get him home. And I definitely would have remembered to lock the front door instead of reaching the end of the Internet researching all things Boston. I was moving that fall, thanks to the scholarship I’d just earned. But life didn’t hand out do-overs. I couldn’t go back and change those small decisions preventing the wicked nightmare that followed. Just like I couldn’t go back in time and trust in myself enough to tell Chase everything that happened. Knowing all of this didn’t make it hurt any less. This hurt.

I opened my bloodshot eyes and remembered the last time I was in this entryway, pressed against the window and suspended in Chase’s strong arms for the first time. The same dim light was shining through the walls of glass, but that was all that was the same. Tonight the scene was completely different.

A dull chime extracted me from my memories. I unwrapped my arms from around my knees and reached for my bag. I knew several texts waited for me. Sierra, my dad—typical. But the one I wanted was missing.

Asspuck, holy shit!

My parents called in a fuckin panic,

I could kill that fucker.

Please call me asap!!

Whatever the time.

The people sitting in that courtroom couldn’t wait to spread the latest town gossip. I clutched my stomach and silently screamed in frustration.

Are you okay?

Call me and let me know you made it home ok.

Remember, head up and chin high, babydoll.

Love you, Dad.

New tears pooled because I hated what this was going to do to him, left behind to listen to all the same gossip. Again. The gossip that sent me running in the first place.

I’m okay Dad.

Long day, just really tired.

Call u tomorrow.

Love u too.

I picked myself up and headed straight for the bathroom. Maybe a long hot shower was exactly what I needed. But what I wanted was Chase. His arms securely around me. His intoxicating smell filling my senses. His crystal grey gaze locking with mine.

Still damp, I tugged my robe around my body and crawled into bed without dinner. Confused and sad, I stretched for my cell. Sierra wasn’t going to swallow a text. She picked up on the first ring.

“Lili, you home? You okay?” She sounded startled.

“Yeah, I’m home, got home, um ... I don’t know, half hour ago, what time is it?” I asked because I had absolutely no idea how long I’d been home. Again it was like time stood still. Minutes blended into hours.

“Sweetie, you okay? It’s like one in the morning.”

“Shit! Sierra, I’m so sorry I woke you. Did I wake Dodd too?”

“Who cares about that, I’m glad you called. I would’ve freaked if I didn’t hear from you. I’m in the guestroom anyway. Dodd was snoring so loud and hogging the bed. My big ass body kept tossing and turning…” She was stalling. Sierra never stalled. “Umm … do you want to talk about it, hun?” Her voice cracked, the way it does when you are on the verge of losing it and are struggling to keep it together.

“Not really,” I croaked out.

“Oh Lil, you’re crying. Oh god. Sweetie, I’m so sorry, I can’t believe what happened. Don’t cry. I haven’t heard you cry in so long. Where is Chase, is he with you?” Sierra was crying now too.

I had to wait for the knot in my throat to relax before I could answer her. “No, he … he went home. I’m alone.” Alone.

“He did what? What did Dr. Dickhead say to you? Forget it. I’m getting dressed, I’m on my way.” Sierra stopped crying. But I couldn’t.

“No, Sier ... don’t be ... ridiculous.” Sob. “It’s the middle of the night.” I had zero control, I cried harder.

“Yeah, and ... I will see you in a few minutes, unlock the door for me.” End of discussion.

Sierra thundered through my unlocked apartment door and crashed straight onto my bed. “What did that Dr. Fucker do to you?” Sierra was pissed.

“He didn’t do anything, it’s what he didn’t do, Sier.” I finger combed my damp hair and squeezed my forehead, rehashing our conversation for the umpteenth time. “He wouldn’t let me explain, he didn’t even want to hear my story, my truth.” My face was going to be raw if I wiped my tear soaked cheeks one more time. “He just sat in that courtroom and listened while Derek Reed made me look like I cried fucking wolf.” Fury resurfaced and sizzled. “Chase was so angry, Sier, he told me he wanted the bastard’s head on a platter for humiliating me in front of the whole town.”

Sierra sighed so deep, her belly looked like a basketball. “Um Lil … then where is he, why isn’t he here?”

“He dropped me off and ... just left. Said he had an early meeting with his best friend. I don’t know if that means he’s leaving for New York or Boston, or if Asher’s coming here.” I picked at what was left of my nails. “Something just wasn’t right. He was ... distant.”

“That doesn’t sound right. Look, I might not be his biggest fan, but that’s just because he’s freaking selfish about sharing your time. The guy’s been up your ass for weeks. I can’t believe he would leave you like this, in this state...” Sierra paused to really look at me. “…this completely fucked-up state of mind you’re in.”

“Thanks, Asspuck.” My lips curled up slightly. “You here to make me feel better or worse?”

“Oh thank fuck, was that almost a smile? Because seriously, Lil, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with you when I first walked in. You looked like you needed some sort of IV. Xanax, or vodka, something.”

“Nice, real nice. And you call yourself a best friend. You think I’m screwed up ... well, just so you know, you’re not that far behind.” We both truly half smiled. Then we proceeded to rehash every word of my conversation with Chase until exhaustion lulled us under.

When the sun beamed through my very open drapes, I reached for my glasses and peeked at my clock. 8:46 AM. I smelled the coffee. Thank god for Sierra.

“That decaf?”

“Good morning to you, too. And ... hell no! I wouldn’t do that to you.” She handed me a piping hot cup.

“Mmmm.” The piping liquid burned going down, reminding me I wasn’t dreaming. Yesterday wasn’t just a really long, really bad dream.

“What’s on today’s agenda? We have a shower to plan, you know.” Distraction was Sierra’s go-to plan. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn’t.

Her plan had merit, so I decided to suck it up and rally. It was the least I could do for the world’s best BFF, who dragged her very pregnant butt out of bed to comfort me. “We do, don’t we?” I grabbed my laptop and sat on the couch. “Let’s work on the menu, figure out what you want to serve.”

“Yay, sounds good to me.” She found her iPad deep in her purse and sat next to me. Sierra’s bag made my monstrosity look like a change purse. “But you pick the food. The thought of anything food related this early in the day makes me want to hurl.”

Her grossed out expression cracked me up. “I thought your morning sickness was over.”

“It is … as long as I don’t think about food.” Okay. “Besides, drinks are more fun. The shower’s early enough for mimosas, right?” She didn’t appreciate my eye roll. “What? I’ll be eight months by then. I can totally have a sip. A little champagne’s not going to hurt. It’s probably healthy. Just ask your doctor-” She stopped herself midsentence and scrunched her face, looking like a deer in headlights.

“It’s fine. You don’t have to tiptoe around me. I’m not going to lose it at the mention of his name.” I hope. “Anyway, today’s about you, not me. Okay? And to answer your question, I think mimosas sound perfect … for everyone but you.” She pouted and I laughed. “Come to think of it, see if they have a Krug Ambonnay or something that sounds like that. It’s really yummy.” I was surprised I remembered the champagne label from Asiate.

“Fine, but I’m totally having a sip. Hmm, I can’t wait.” Sierra rubbed her round stomach.

“Fine, one sip,” I deadpanned.

“Hear that, sweet girl? Aunt Lili said we get to have a glass of champagne at your party.”

What happened to a sip? She was too damn much, but watching her talk to her unborn daughter was too freaking adorable. I wanted that one day.

We got to work diligently researching our menus.

“Holy shit! Lili, do you have any idea how expensive that champagne is? When the hell did you drink that?”

“Um ... when Chase took me to New York, he ordered two bottles for us.” You know, the most amazing night of my life.

“Two bottles! Holy shit, you said he had some money, but come on, who spends fifteen thousand dollars on champagne? I’m all for a little splurge, but that’s insanity!”

Holy shit, she was right. Fifteen thousand dollars on a drink. And for no real reason. That was insane.

“Let’s be honest, Lil, doctors don’t make that kind of money anymore. Brain surgeon or not. Think about it ... freaking personal driver, two sick apartments, a bazillion dollar shopping spree that you said yourself he treated like a stroll through Target. What did he do, win the lotto or something?”

I never really thought about it.

“I ... I don’t know. His family has money, I think. Or maybe it’s from whatever device he invented or his company in Boston.”

“He owns a company? He invented shit? Why is this the first time I’m hearing about any of this?”

“Because I’m not really sure.” Suddenly I was … embarrassed. And not over yesterday’s courtroom debacle, or how the secret of my rural disaster betrayed Chase’s trust. I was ashamed that I couldn’t answer a simple question about this man, a man I’d grown to trust. I was an open book now, yet he was still a mystery.

“Not really sure?” she rightfully questioned. “I get he’s ridiculously hot and all, and I can only imagine how sick the sex is, but you can’t screw twenty-four, seven. So what the hell do you two talk about? Owning a company and being stupidly rich seems relatively major to me.”

Good question.

“You’re right. I know. But he doesn’t talk about himself that much. He hasn’t really told me anything.” God, I sounded pathetic. Now I was the one who was nauseous.

“And there lies the problem, girlfriend. No communication.” Sierra wasn’t a lot of things, but blunt was not one of them.

17

Bruised

Sierra left sometime in the late afternoon after we finalized the menu, spoke with the florist and picked out the favors. Her power of distraction worked to my advantage. I wasn’t wallowing. Completely. But, it didn’t stop me from checking my phone every five minutes. I was crawling into bed when the damn thing finally chimed.

Busy w Ash in NY.

Take Monday off. -CC

I stared at the mobile device in my hand, rereading his message. What happened to Xo? I was tempted to throw the damn thing across the room. All day I contemplated how I was going to react when he finally contacted me, but I wasn’t expecting blood-boiling rage. Beside myself. The tone of his text implied he wasn’t expecting a response back, as if he said everything he had to say. For real? Damn him. No, fuck him.

Yet all I wanted was him. I wanted us back. I wanted to feel the warmth of his arms around me. I wanted our intimacy.

I tugged the sheet up to my chin and shut my eyes. Too mad to cry. I cried enough. I cried a lifetime of tears. Control was stolen from me once before, there was no way I was allowing it again. Our relationship was not ending like this. He deserved my truth and I deserved his.

So I did take Monday off, but not because he told me to. I needed the pause. Technically it was the start of my new rotation and I called in sick. Instead of work, I ran until my legs felt like jelly and spent the rest of the day shopping, even though I didn’t need a thing. Chase had filled my wardrobe with enough new clothes to last several seasons. Instead I shopped for Sierra’s baby. And did I ever, enough to last her several seasons.

A text came in as I was paying for my coffee.

Gone for the week on business

Leaving after work. -CC

Where r u?

CC is obviously doing just fine without me.

I plopped down at a table outside of Starbucks and fiddled with my packages, pretending I wasn’t obsessively waiting or willing my phone to chime back. But there was no response. Nothing, that was it. Bullshit. He never mentioned a business trip, probably because it was never planned. Was he kidding me? He was treating me like a stranger. Maybe that’s exactly what we were. Strangers. Conveniently fucking.

Tuesday morning came way too early. Back in heels and trying to pull myself together, I stopped by Jorge’s cart and picked up a latte. Along with Chase, I hadn’t seen my personal Starbucks delivery since we got back from Wrangel. Not that I cared about losing the little luxury, I didn’t. It was a bit over the top to begin with, but I had to admit that his small gesture put a smile on my face every day. It showed he was thinking about me. It was stupid, but it made me feel ... special.

I went directly to my office to let the morning rush die down. Pediatrics was more laid back and I wasn’t responsible for rounding in the morning. I planned to hide out for a little bit before I met up with the new team.

“Hey! There you are. How’re you feeling?” Kate knocked and walked in, all smiles. “Where were you guys yesterday? Everything okay?”

“I called out sick, needed a mental health day.” It was the truth.

“What about Chase?”

I was confused. “What about Chase?”

“Well, just that it was weird that the on-call neurosurgeon covered his cases yesterday. Supposedly Chase, um … called in sick.” Kate needed to work on being subtle. “I assumed you two were together...” Her voice got quieter, until I almost couldn’t hear her.

I was totally unprepared for any “us” questions, so I attempted playing it off. “Why would you think that?” Then it hit me, hard. “Wait ... Chase wasn’t here yesterday?”

My mind reeled with questions, one in particular. I had read those damn texts a thousand times. There was no confusion. Gone for the week, leaving after work. He lied to me. Damn, he freaking ... lied. But why? I felt a sharp ache beneath my breastbone. An actual ache.

“Don’t be mad, but you know how Leanne has a huge mouth, right?”

I scrunched my eyes and grimaced.

“She kind of told all of us how you had to go home to testify at some trial and that ... Chase might have gone with you.” It sounded more like a question than a statement.

“What do you mean by all of us?” I was fully aware of Leanne’s big mouth, but she wouldn’t broadcast her suspicions about us to the entire hospital. Would she? Shit.

Kate’s creased brow said it all. “Saturday night when we were all at Rosa’s for the end of rotation happy hour … Leanne might have, kind of, mentioned that you and Chase might be-”

I knew she was trying to be tactful, but her pause was really irritating.

“Anyway, it was ... sort of the whole team. Jackson, Guy, Sam and his wife, and a couple of other fifth floor nurses ... are you mad?”

“No. I’m not mad, Kate.” I sighed and leaned back in my chair. “It’s fine. Look, I’m happy you told me but I wish Leanne never said anything.” I really, really wished. “But just so you know, the situation between Chase and me ... um, it’s ... nothing.” My chest heaved with a piercing pain. I actually said it was nothing … we were nothing. It was everything, at least to me. I tuned out everything around me, allowing all our playful moments to briefly flash like a slide show. He really just walked away like it never happened. Fuck!

“Hey, are you okay? Where’d you go? You totally spaced on me. Want to talk about it?”

“Yeah, sorry, I’m fine,” I whispered. Now who was the liar? “I just have to go, I have a lot to do before I meet the peds team up on seven.”

Kate’s round eyes widened, and she pursed her lips together as if to say bullshit. I just didn’t have it in me to explain. Not yet. “I’ll see ya later.”

August was here and I was finally off Chase’s service. Ironically, I pushed for discretion and put a date on going “public” with our relationship when he wanted to tell the world about us and claim me as his own from the beginning. And now I was left solo, fielding questions about us with no answers. Chase was gone, who knew where. This sucked. All of it.

The elevator felt like the local train on the way up to seven, stopping on every floor. I sipped my coffee, adding to the inferno already burning my insides. He lied. But why? It wasn’t an insignificant detail he forgot to mention. He blatantly lied. My finger hovered over Chase’s name on my contact list, under ‘favorites’ no less, while I debated calling him out, wanting him to eat his own phrase, truth.

The elevator opened on five. Guy stepped on. “Doll.” He seemed surprised to see me.

“Hi, you.” I smiled.

“Missed you on Saturday night.” His sentiment was so genuine it almost annoyed me. Of course, I had to fall for Dr. Freaking Mystery. “Hey, is everything okay ... with all that legal stuff you had to deal with ... and with Chase?” He stuttered as if he was nervous to ask.

However, the topic was not up for discussion. Not now. Not ever. My chest tightened, as the elevator walls seemed to be closing in. With nowhere to go I shifted my weight and pressed my back into the corner. Damn, it was awkward.

“Um, Guy, why are you even in here?” I waved at the elevator control panel while Guy looked confused. “You’re a surgeon, right? Shouldn’t you be taking the damn stairs?”

Recognition coated his eyes and he laughed out loud, flashing his adorable dimple. “I gotcha, doll. Glad you’re back, though. Resident schedules got all screwed up. Sam and I are with Colton another month, so I’m sure we’ll see you around.” Guy believed I was with Chase. Well, I was, or maybe I wasn’t. “Hey Lil, it’s your floor.”

I didn’t realize the elevator stopped and the doors opened. I stepped off and turned back, hoping he could read between my lines. “Thanks, Guy.” For not drilling me. For being a friend. For always being so sweet.

“Anytime, doll.” Yeah, he read me.

By Friday morning, I was as physically run down as I was emotionally. Literally. I was so dehydrated that I even gave myself a UTI. Between dozens of trips to the bathroom to pee razor blades and the hours I logged in my sneakers ruminating over the days of radio silence, the Central Park loop would have been a freaking cake-walk. All communication with Chase had gone dead. I last texted him Wednesday night, but I still hadn’t gotten a response to we need to talk?

I kept envisioning how angry he was right after court. And how he morphed into a stranger by the time I stepped out of his car Saturday night. He was ... vacant. His eyes were empty. They were devoid of emotion, no feeling. I had suffered through this week without him long enough. I needed to see him whether he wanted to see me or not. It wasn’t a choice.

I stepped outside for the first time all week and let the warm sun bathe my face. I had spent every other lunch break this week choking down crackers and hiding in my office. The unwavering, tight knot in my stomach wreaked havoc on my GI tract.

“Lili?” The voice was vaguely familiar so I turned around and saw bright green eyes shining in my direction. “On lunch?” Dressed in a tailored light suit and carrying a black leather briefcase, I recognized him immediately.

“Um ... hi. What are you doing here?”

Asher leaned down and kissed my cheek. He was the last person I expected to see outside the hospital.

“Nice to see you too, Lili.” He sarcastically chuckled.

“Oh, sorry.” I blushed at my rudeness. “I didn’t know you were in town, you surprised me. I assumed you were still away with Chase on your business trip ... wherever that is.” My voice trailed off.

“Business trip?” Now Asher looked surprised. He studied the sidewalk, avoiding eye contact. “Not sure what you mean. I just drove down to get a few signatures off him. I spoke to him earlier and he told me he had a few cases today. You didn’t see him this morning?”

My nervous stomach took a backseat to my new friend, nausea. Seriously. He confirmed it. Chase lied. But something about the way Asher asked if I’d seen him made it clear that he was completely unaware of any problem between Chase and me.

“Um, I haven’t really talked to him since last Friday. We ... texted a couple of times. I sent him a message Wednesday night, but I never heard back.” I caught myself fidgeting with my nails. “I assumed he was with you.”

“He was ... last Saturday when he showed up in New York.”

“So wait, he wasn’t away with you all week?” I clipped.

Asher ran a hand through his tawny brown hair. “Shit,” he muttered.

“What, Asher? What aren’t you telling me?”

He stood, pensive. Enough was enough with the boys covering for each other. It was obvious Asher had put his foot in his mouth, but I wasn’t waiting around for him to come up with a plausible lie.

“Well, I need to go. I don’t really have time for this, and I need to be back soon.” I paused, hoping he would slip and say something. Anything. “Good to see you again.”

I made it two steps before Asher gently tugged me back. “Lili, please wait. Chase ... he’s a fucking mess. Saturday was ... intense. I’ve never seen him like this, not even when Kimi died.” A sadness filled his eyes. My jaw dropped open and my throat clogged. That was the last thing I expected Asher to say.

Stuck on he’s a fucking mess, my emotions pinballed so quickly between sadness and anger I could barely keep up. Something snapped and my brain-to-mouth-filter turned off. “So I guess when you find out your girlfriend isn’t as pure and sweet as you thought, tarnished with a sad pregnancy story, you become a fucking mess.” The anger in my voice was raw as I repeated Asher’s words.

He looked at me with disbelief. “He told you?”

Told me? “Told me what? I have no idea what you’re talking about. Remember, he doesn’t tell me a freaking thing.” I crossed my arms against my chest trying to ease the burning pain. “I don’t get it, why won’t he talk to me?” Hot tears filled my eyes.

“Lili, you should talk to him. I’m not comfortable saying any more. I really should stay out of your relationship.”

“Relationship? He left me, Asher, when I needed him the most. He dropped me off and left.” A tear slid down my cheek.

He placed a hand on top of mine and squeezed.

“Lil, you’re upset, and I’m not sure what went down between the two of you, but he’s in a fucked up place right now. Just talk to him,” he pleaded.

I wiped my wet cheek, smoothed my skirt and politely said goodbye. Asher had a bleak look in his eyes, but he was right. I needed to find him.

The empty void deep within filled with a swarm of bees. And within minutes I was on the fifth floor staring at the posted operating room schedule. Chase had cases all day. Back to back. I found Kate in the recovery room right away.

“Lil, you look ... I mean, is everything okay?”

I wasn’t exactly sure what I looked like, but I was guessing it wasn’t good. Kate sympathetically ran a hand down the side of my hair.

“Have you seen Chase today?” My voice was melancholic. I should have been angry. He blatantly lied. But I just needed to see him, make sure he was okay.

“He’s been operating all day, trying to make up for the week off, I guess. I haven’t seen him.”

He always accompanied his patients to the recovery room. My patients, my responsibility.

“Oh.” My eyes quickly scanned the room searching for him, even though I knew he wasn’t there.

“He hasn’t been wheeling any of his patients in today, only Guy or Jack, but he still has one case left. I don’t think it started yet. Do you want me to tell him anything if I see him?”

“No, don’t say anything. Actually, can you do me a favor?”

“Sure, anything. You know that.”

“Can you text me when the last case is over?”

“Okay, no problem.”

“Thanks, Kate.” I turned to leave, but she grabbed my arm.

“Lil, I saw him with you. I mean when you guys were in here last week. I saw how he looked at you ... how he touched you.” She smiled softly. Heat hit my cheeks with visions of him claiming my ass. “It was really sweet ... I hope everything works out.” She wrinkled her brow and shrugged.

“Thanks,” I whispered, almost choking on my words.

At the far end of the room, the OR suite doors pushed open and Chase looked anything but a fucking mess. My gut wrenched at the sight of his new case manager flanked at his side. She was a new hire I had only met once or twice in passing, but she was staring up into his eyes, my eyes, giggling and hanging on every word he spoke. She had probably just sat in on an awake case. The amount of jealousy I never knew I possessed came to a brimming head. It took everything in my power to not run over there and rip that giggling, flirty mouth right off her face. But what killed me even more was the smile he had for her.

The next thing I knew Kate was dragging me into the supply closet.

“What in the world are you doing? Kate, stop,” I hissed.

“No, you stop, You practically had fumes coming from your ears. I thought you were gonna try to rip her hair out.”

That obvious, huh?

“I was close. What the hell is that all about?”

“Lili, she’s on his team now. Stop jumping to conclusions. He was probably telling her about the next case. You need to take your own advice and go home and cool off. Stick to your original plan. I’ll text you when he’s done, promise.”

Crap. I took a deep breath. She was right. Who was I kidding? I wasn’t going to make a scene in the middle of the recovery room like an unstable jealous girlfriend without any facts, but damn I was so tempted.

“Lili, just go.” Kate pushed me toward the exit.

Walking away I repeated, “Sweet.” We were sweet. I was his sweet.

I paced back and forth, back and forth. My nervous energy was wearing away the sheen on my hardwood floor. Kate’s text couldn’t come soon enough. A little bit before eight o’clock my phone chimed.

He’s done.

GL :)

Hmmm. Kate wished me good luck. Is that what I needed, luck? No, what I needed was for him to listen, to hear me out. He needed my truth. And I needed the same in return. His flirty new case manager was the least of my worries. My irrational reaction to her today, on the other hand … that was an issue. It just confirmed how attached I was to him. He was mine.

In the rain, I hailed a cab and headed directly for the Franklin Towers. The swish of the windshield wipers put me in a trance, only to replay our future conversation. After a silent elevator ride to the sixteenth floor and several knocks at his door, it was apparent I had beaten him there. I leaned against the wall just outside his door, closed my eyes and waited. The elevator ding snapped me from my haze and renewed the butterflies in my stomach. I rubbed my sweaty palms along my grey yoga pants.

“Blue?”

My breath quickened at the sound of his deep voice. I hadn’t realized how much I loved his nickname for me. I kept my eyes closed.

“What are you doing here? I didn’t expect to see you, I mean you just surprised me.” His nervous ramble almost made me smirk. Almost.

“We need to talk, Chase.” I peeled my eyes open to find him only inches from my face. His stormy grey eyes tangled with mine. There was no doubt our connection was still alive. The fire between us still burned and in that moment I missed him. I missed everything. All of it. Every one of my Dr.’s. All I wanted to do was leap into his arms and tell him so. Instead I held myself and waited. Fear of rejection paralyzed me.

“Come in.”

My legs trembled while I went directly to the couch and sat. Behind me, I heard him drop his keys on the table. “Want a drink?”

I shook my head no, sensing his eyes boring into the back of my head. He needed to sit. Please just sit already. The awkwardness in the air was suffocating.

“Please just sit, Chase.” I glanced over at him, hoping he saw it on my face, how much I needed this. He had changed out of his scrubs and was wearing a charcoal grey dress shirt that matched his eyes with the sleeves haphazardly rolled up. Like he always did. He slowly walked toward the couch. He looked tired, but beautiful. “You need to hear the truth, Chase. I need to tell you what happened and-”

“You don’t need to tell me anything.”

My heart rate skyrocketed. Nerves were replaced with fury and frustration.

“Why won’t you fucking let me tell you my side?” I snapped and threw my arms in the air. “Everything that asshole said in that courthouse might have been true, but he made me look like I cried fucking wolf. I didn’t ... that’s not what happened.”

“Blue, stop. Just fucking stop.” He secured me in a tight embrace. “Stop.”

“No.” I wiggled, trying to free myself. “You’re going to hear me out, damn it. You need to hear the truth. You owe me that!”

“I don’t need to hear a fucking thing.” His words stung like rock salt in a gaping wound. He pushed me at arms’ length, lifting my chin to meet his icy stare. “Look at me, Lili.”

Hot, angry tears betrayed me. Damn him for making me cry.

“I know the truth. That motherfucker raped you!”

Time froze.

Chase’s raw growl continued to echo through my bones. I fucking hated that word. Rape. I hated that it happened to me. I hated being a victim.

We silently stared at each other. Chase looked feral, the vessels in his neck pulsated while he struggled to regain some control. Damn, the pain in his eyes rivaled my own. The rape I suffered through was ripping Chase apart, and I hated that it had that power. Fuck you, selfish fuck-face. I stopped fighting the tears; I wasn’t going to win.

Chase’s thumbs swiped my face. Oh god, I missed his touch. “That selfish fucker destroyed your spirit, your confidence and even though you never told me, I knew ... I knew something had happened to you. The second I figured out where that asshole was going with those fucking questions, and I saw the pain in your eyes, baby, I knew. It took every ounce of restraint for me to sit in that courtroom and not tear that piece of shit apart. But you need to hear me right now. Never, not for one single goddamn second, did I ever think you cried wolf. Don’t ever say that again. Don’t you ever think you need to explain yourself to anyone after what you went through. Understand?” He shut his eyes for a moment before continuing. “Baby, just when I thought I was breaking through your wall ... that fucker made it go right back up.” His voice was strained.

He let go of my face and ran his hand through his messy hair. I choked on air as my eyes followed his hands. They were covered in green and yellow bruises. His knuckles were raw and swollen.

I released my breath and spoke. “What? If you knew, then why did you pull away? You left me. You ... lied to me?” His confession confused me. He never doubted me, but he left me anyway. Nothing made sense. None of it.

Chase dropped onto the couch with his arms resting on his knees, an all too familiar position, and he raked his hair. Something deep in my gut sank. What the hell? It wasn’t just his hands that were bruised. Deep purple marks tracked up his forearms. I knelt between his legs, bracing myself on his thighs, and looked up into his beautiful face. The marks were less noticeable, but the faint yellow streaks marring his cheekbone and chin were my undoing.

“Chase, what happened to you?” I traced over his bruised arms with trembling fingertips. He looked as battered as I felt. “Please, talk to me ... say something,” I pleaded.

He inhaled. “It’s nothing. I went a few rounds with Asher on Saturday.”

A few rounds? What the hell was he talking about? Asher said he saw him Saturday. I’ve never seen him like that. Then I remembered Chase and Asher’s conversation at Asiate. “Wait. You started fighting again? Why would you do that?” I didn’t want to hear his answer. He was a freaking surgeon, for god’s sake. His hands were his livelihood.

“I needed to blow off some steam. It’s not a big deal.” His tone was curt and dismissive.

“If it wasn’t a big deal, then why did you lie about it? Is that why you took the week off ... to hide your bruises? There was no business trip, was there?”

He didn’t have to answer, the guilt was written all over his face.

“But I don’t understand. I saw Asher today, he looked fine!” I stood right next to him, he gripped my hand, and there were no marks or bruises.

Chase half smirked. “Pansy started wearing gear.”

I saw through his attempt at humor. He wasn’t going to distract me.

“Wait, and you don’t wear gear? What if you broke your hand?”

“I didn’t.” Ouch. He must have seen me wince. “Look, Blue, I’m sorry. The last thing I wanted was for you to worry about me. You went through enough last week.”

“You didn’t want me to worry about you?” I rose from between his legs and walked to the window. The rain seemed a little heavier than before. I watched the raindrops splashing in the sidewalk puddles. I hated how unpredictable summer rainstorms were. Sometimes just a light drizzle or a sun shower, sometimes raging thunder and lightning. Since the rain was inevitable, I wished for a light rain with the promise of sunshine, but my gut felt a scary storm building. I hated night rainstorms. “Instead you let me think you wanted nothing to do with me. That you believed everything said in court.” I continued to stare outside, keeping my voice level. “I thought you were disgusted with me, that I was a liar.” I turned and challenged his stormy gaze. “Do you have any idea what this week was like for me?” Running my clenched fist along my sternum, I tried to ease the pain of my pounding heart.

He walked to the window, the rain capturing his attention as well. “Blue, baby. I’m so sorry if I hurt you. That was the last thing I wanted to do.” He turned me to look at him. His eyes softened. “Disgusted? Impossible. A liar? Never. Do you hear me? Fucking impossible. The exact opposite. I’m in awe of you, you fucking level me. I wish you could see yourself the way the rest of the world does. You have no idea how beautiful you are. Your smile is over the top. It doesn’t just light up a room—it sets the tone. You’re infectious, baby. Everyone you meet considers you a friend and turns to you in a second with their problems. You don’t have a judgmental bone in that sick little body. Disgusted? Holy fuck, Blue, you’re as close to perfect as they come. I am…”

Chase looked at me with a raw passion—vulnerability—like he could almost love me.

I stepped closer, begging to touch him. My hands found their way down his chest. His shirt separated our skin on skin, but even through the thin fabric, it was easy to feel every chiseled muscle. When I reached the area over his tattoo, he flinched and squeezed his eyes closed. He dropped his hands from my arms and snaked them into his pockets.

“You lived through the unthinkable and you’re nothing but pure sweet. You’re everything I’m not. I had to leave you, Lili.”

He reopened his eyes and the compassion and almost love I thought I saw vanished. Blank. What the fuck did I miss? His demeanor changed in a blink.

“I don’t know what you mean, Chase,” I snapped with confusion, wrinkling my brow.

“I’m not good enough for you, baby.” His voice was lamenting. My breath seized and tears welled in my eyes. “I’m just going to disappoint you over and over again. Just like this past week. I can’t make you happy forever. Trust me, if I thought for just a fucking millisecond that I could, I would die trying.” A single silent tear wet his face.

A chill passed through me. The trembling was involuntary.

“Chase, what are you doing? What are you saying?” I cried. “You aren’t making any sense.” I ran my hands along his cheeks, searching for the Chase from two minutes ago. Please. Where was he? “I ... I trust you, I trust you with everything. Every part of my being.” I wanted so much to say I love you that it hurt. But I didn’t. “You make me so happy.”

The moisture built in his eyes while mine poured. Silence. His strong hands palmed my cheeks and he brushed his lips against mine, soft and gentle, soothing and comforting. A goodbye kiss.

He stepped back, slowly capturing my watering eyes. “I can’t, Lili. I can’t be with you. I need you to leave.”

His words ripped my heart out of my chest. I was speechless. A rewind. I needed a rewind. No way he meant what he was saying. I knew he felt it. There was something else, something he wasn’t telling me. My gut was screaming it.

“I’ll call Pete, he will take you home.”

Desperate for him to hear me, really hear me, I lashed out. “No. No. Why are you doing this? We fit together and you know it. If you would just trust me, tell me your secrets. Truth, Chase. Please. Truth.”

But he said nothing. He didn’t think we were worth it. The storm inside me kept brewing.

“Why won’t you talk to me?” I screamed.

“I’m sorry, Lili. You should go.” Monotone and devoid of emotion, he repeated himself. Nothing more.

I wanted to slap some sense into him. I was back to swapping between anguish and fury. My tears abruptly stopped. I was pissed. “I’m not your sweet anymore, not as pure as you thought. Maybe you can find solace in your new case manager, the two of you looked awfully cozy this afternoon,” I hissed. “You know what, Chase? Fuck you!” I grabbed my bag and fled his apartment.

I stood in the pouring rain outside the Franklin Towers. The cool water dripping down my face and body did little to tame the flames radiating from my body. I hated the rain.

His black town car pulled to the curb. I hadn’t intended on getting in. Pete jumped out to open the back car door. “Ms. Porter, Dr. Colton insisted I find you and take you home.”

“I’m sure he did,” I hissed under my breath. I slid inside and slunk back into the seat.

“I assume you want to go home?”

“Can you take me to Walnut and Rittenhouse Square, please?” The clock on the dashboard read a little before ten.

“Sure thing.”

I needed Sierra. I had no one else. I sent her a quick text saying I was on my way over. Her response was instantaneous, of course.

That’s why you have a key, asspuck :)

I quietly snuck inside as she rounded the corner.

“Holy shit, Lil. You look like a drowned rat ... what the hell happened to you?”

I shook my head, unable to speak. My lips quivered.

“What the hell? You’re shaking, let me get you a towel and some new clothes.” She disappeared into the laundry room, returning with several towels, a t-shirt and pair of sweats. I was chilled to the bone, trembling uncontrollably. “What the fuck is going on, why are you drenched?” I draped the towel around my shoulders, rubbing my arms to warm my flesh. “Lili, go change ... when you’re done you better start talking, otherwise I’m about a minute away from calling that Dr. Fucker myself.”

I padded down the hall and slipped into Sierra’s dry clothes and returned to curl into a ball on her cozy couch. Sierra had tea waiting for me.

“He broke up with me tonight, told me he wasn’t good enough for me. He said he couldn’t make me happy.” I was oddly calm when I spoke.

“You’re fucking kidding me.” Sierra, not as calm, plopped down next to me. “He broke up with you because of your past? You’re shitting me. He’s right, he isn’t fucking good enough for you.”

“No, Sier. He’s hiding something, he’s not telling me something—I saw it in his eyes tonight. Something I’ve never seen before. He’s scared.” But of what?

“I don’t get it. Why won’t he talk to you?”

“I don’t know! I’m so fucking furious with him. I’m seriously tittering on the edge of insanity. I love that fucked up man so much it hurts.” There it was. I said it. I loved him.

“Oh, sweetie.” Sierra hugged me. “I still want to mutilate that fucker for hurting you.” She sat back. “What are you gonna do?”

“Give him some time, give me some time. Our relationship is NOT ending like this. The last month has literally been the best of my life. Ever. He went from a stranger to someone I can’t stop thinking about overnight. I’m not going to throw that away without some type of explanation.” Somehow I would get him to open up to me. I got up from the couch and started to pace. “It’s bull, Sier. I finally trusted someone again, opened up to someone. I thought I would never ever do that again. I’ll be damned if what we shared was for nothing. We’re amazing together and it’s not just the sex.” Sierra smirked. “Okay. Yes, of course the sex is amazing, but it’s more, way more. We just work together. We fit. It’s like nothing I have ever known.”

“Lil, he’s got to come around ... he’s not gonna give up that easily. That man is head over heels for you.”

“But what if he doesn’t? What if he doesn’t come find me? What if that was it? What if it’s over for real and his new case manager can keep him company?”

“What?”

“Oh yeah, he has a new me this month, and they looked pretty comfortable with each other this afternoon.”

“You can’t believe that shit, Lil. If your connection is as fucking nuclear as you say it is, there is no way in hell he’s going to give that up and cheat on you. Listen to me, if he does he’s a fucking fool and you don’t want him anyway. You will be fine. You hear me? You will be fine. You are strong—the strongest person I know—and we’ll get through it together.”

“I don’t want it to be over,” I choked. Sierra grabbed my hand.

“Let’s not jump to any insane conclusions yet.” Sierra raised her eyebrows a little. “I’m gonna rally the troops for a night out, you need a distraction. Take your mind off of it for a couple of hours. When is this watermelon coming out?”

“Don’t talk about your daughter like that.”

“Whatever, you would think I was a raging alcoholic, but damn … a night out drinking and dancing sounds great.”

I chuckled. “Typical, Asspuck. Always something sassy to make me smile.” I sounded like Chase commenting on my mouth. God, I missed him.

18

Rain

The following days and weeks, I avoided every social situation like the plague. No lingering in the hallways, and I definitely stayed off the elevator. Too many awkward and important conversations seemed to go down in that freaking box. Besides, I learned that stairs in heels when you weren’t in a rush had some perks—your butt and calves being two of them.

Everyone avoided me as well. In fact, if avoidance was an art form, Chase freaking perfected it. Not that I was surprised, he told me to leave after all. It hurt like a bitch.

The not-so-hush-hush gossip around the hospital was that Chase and I broke up, with everyone honing in on the timing. Instead of looking like two professionals waiting to be off the same service before exposing a relationship, I looked like a convenient rotational fling. Lovely. My dad would be so proud.

I tried to ignore the chatter, but it was futile. By the second week, even sweet Kate felt compelled to give me a daily report. I’m not sure if it made me feel better or worse. It seemed Chase volleyed between Dr. Intensity and Dr. Asshole these days.

Kate sat down next to me while I worked on some discharge paperwork. “Lili, seriously, what’s his problem?”

“Who?” I knew full well who she was talking about.

“Chase, that’s who. He can be a moody turd, hmm?”

Did she just say turd? The girl seriously needed to learn to curse.

“Turd, Kate? Do me a favor, don’t ever use that word again.”

“What’s wrong with turd?”

Seriously?

“Forget it. So what happened?”

“For the past two weeks, Guy, Jackson and I have been working like slaves. I get Chase wanting his own personal team, I do. Actually that’s part of what makes him a better surgeon than the rest. But you think he would give us a little break. Not for nothing, but we’re still making up for the cases he missed the week he was away, on top of being overbooked.” I felt guilty. Kate looked exhausted and I was the reason Chase missed that week. Now my friends were paying for it. “Today he made an appearance in recovery and freaked over the way Guy put the dressing on. Lil, I mean freaked. Then he yelled at me because I didn’t fix it.”

“You should have told him to fix it himself if he had a problem.” Maybe turd was appropriate. “Anyway, when did he start letting anyone else put the dressing on? He’s anal about that stuff.”

“Oh, since he busted his hand this week. He’s only been scrubbing for the crazy difficult parts of his cases. Otherwise, Guy and Jackson have been doing everything.”

All I heard was busted his hand. My stomach plummeted.

“What happened to his hand?” I tried sounding nonchalant. What the hell is he doing?

“I think he said he tripped running or something. His left hand is still really swollen, and he got a nasty gash by his ear.”

Running my ass.

He was fighting, fighting without any gear. Hurting himself and risking his career. I was sick. It was so much more than blowing off steam. Something was eating at him. Why wouldn’t he just tell me?

I made up some stupid excuse why I had to run, again. I was getting good at that. I didn’t want to hurt Kate’s feelings, but I was crawling out of my skin thinking about Chase’s self-destructive behavior. I couldn’t sit still a second longer. And it wasn’t really a lie; I had full intentions of going home to get my sneakers. I needed a few miles to clear my head.

But before I left, Kate said, “Just so you know, Lil, the new case manager—he kicked her out of his OR. Guy made it sound like she isn’t allowed in a mile radius.”

Shit. Now his patients are suffering because of me, too.

Seven miles later, my shins felt like rubber and my ears throbbed from blasting my iPod. Nothing like my favorite Pandora station to make you want to slit your wrists when your heart was already in the process of shattering. Thanks, Jason Mraz.

I felt sick. Sick over ditching work early, sick over finding out Chase’s awake cases were going uncovered now. Sick over missing Chase, sick over how fucked up he was, sick over the fact I was completely in love with him and had no idea if we could ever be together again.

I was almost home when my phone rang.

“Hi Dad! Everything okay?”

“Does something have to be wrong to call my babydoll?”

“No, but you always call on Saturdays.”

“That’s because you usually check in a few times during the week. Don’t want you to think the old man is being a nag.”

Not possible.

“You’re never a nag, Dad. I’m sorry I haven’t called all week, it’s been a little crazy.”

That was a lie. Truth was I knew my dad would ask about Chase and I didn’t know what to say. Dad was still so upset and worrying over everything that went down with the trial. He hated that he couldn’t protect me, then or now. One of the worst nights of my life after the rape was overhearing my dad in his room crying, telling Sharon that he was a failure. That a father’s one job in this world was to protect his child, and he couldn’t do that for me. He couldn’t erase the rape or the trauma of losing a baby conceived in brutality. That was the night I called Sierra and asked if I could spend a little time at her parents’ place in the Cape. That was the night I told her I’d move to Philly. My dad and I both needed a fresh start.

Unfortunately, I knew he felt like a traitor for not leaving Wrangel, even though he couldn’t afford to. He might have been relieved that I was able to get away, but he needed his pension and only had a few years left before he could collect.

That’s probably why he liked Chase so much, or at least the idea of a strong alpha male taking care of his little girl. So it was easier to let him think we were still together.

“It’s okay, I know how busy you are with your job. I just thought you might like to know ... um...”

“Dad, what is it?” I sensed my dad’s hesitation.

“Well, it’s two things. Really good news, I guess. Someone finally got Roy Wayne’s wife to speak up. Heard she testified yesterday and confirmed everything you had said happened all those years ago. About friggin’ time, if you ask me. Anyway, that prosecutor lady stopped by the shop today ... said they were just waiting on the jury to come back, but looks like that sick bastard is going away for a long time.”

Wow. So justice was going to be served after all. I didn’t know how to feel. I probably should have been relieved or vindicated, but I wasn’t. I was definitely happy for the little boy. No more life full of fear. But as far as I was concerned, I was ... numb.

“That’s good news, Dad.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t make up for how that damn Reed kid treated you in court.” Dad sounded like was getting himself all worked up. That was the last thing I wanted.

“Dad, really I’m fine. Please, calm down. What’s the other news?”

“How’s Chase doing? Better be treating you well. I like that man. Well, aside from not knowing his ass from his elbow when it comes to hockey, that is.”

“Um, Dad. He’s fine. Why are you changing the subject, though?” Ugh. I chanted little white lies don’t count to myself.

“Yeah, well the other news has to do with-” He didn’t need to finish. I knew exactly who he was talking about. My dad and I had similar coping mechanisms. We both adopted the I’ll be damned if I utter his name again in this lifetime approach.

“What about selfish fuck-face?”

There was a small pause. I guess I forgot to let Dad in on Chase’s replacement name, selfish fuck-face. My dad never heard me curse.

“Looks like the whole fuck-face family is heading to Texas or some shit like that.” My lips turned up slightly at how quickly my dad adopted his new name. “Not that we care. Good riddance. As far as I’m concerned, China’s too close.”

“What? Why would they move?” The Reed family was as Wrangel as they come. Owners of a family restaurant, passed down from generation to generation. They were the epitome of the town motto. Born in Wrangel. Die in Wrangel. And Selfish was the poster boy for ambitionless. Why try if Mommy and Daddy paid your way?

“Seems they can’t afford to renew their lease on the pub. Gonna try their luck down south. Because Texas doesn’t have enough BBQ joints?”

“Dad, that’s crazy. Not that I’m complaining. Good riddance is right. But Reed’s pub has been there forever.”

“Yeah, I know. But heard they’re planning on re-doing that whole shopping center, breaking the pub into a few smaller shops ... one of those cell phone stores and a fancy Chinese joint with the half dead fish.”

I smirked at my dad’s rendition of Japanese food.

“Japanese, Dad. And it’s called sushi.” Even the mention of freaking food made me think about Chase.

“Whatever the hell you call it, I’m sure as hell not eating it.”

“Dad, you’re too much. It’s not bad. Trust me ... you should take Sharon. I bet she’d love it.”

“That rich doctor of yours feeding you that crap?”

I wished he was still mine.

“Dad, I’m just walking in the door. I was out for a run. Mind if I call you later?” I wasn’t in the mood to lie to him a second time tonight, and I couldn’t foresee a way out of a Chase conversation.

“Of course, babydoll, but you better not be running yourself into the ground. You get any thinner and you’ll be skin and bones.”

“I’m not, Dad, promise.”

“All right. I love ya, babydoll. You be safe.”

“Always, Dad. I love you too. Tell Sharon I said hi.”

“Will do.”

“And Dad ... thanks for letting me know ... it helps.”

There was that same pause. I hated the silence, picturing my dad on the other end trying to not crack and be my rock.

“Just make sure you explain the difference between the NHL and minor leagues to that boyfriend of yours before I see you guys next.”

“You got it, Dad.”

What else was I going to say…

With the shower quickly approaching and Dodd away on business, Sierra and I bonded over take-out and shower plans most nights. After the upcoming baby shower weekend I decided I was going to call Chase. Sierra was not on board and made it clear, and I quote, “That fucker should be banging down your door, no way he’ll go that long without your...” I definitely cringed and turned beet red. That girl literally killed me sometimes.

U better be in something cute!

It was a couple minutes before five on Thursday night. We were starting off the shower weekend with a bang at girls’ night out.

If not u better get ur ass home and change

C u at 6!

Sierra tried all week to pull me from my slump. Only one person had that power. I admired my designer black and white Chevron print three quarter sleeved shift dress. He picked this one out for me. Told me it made my legs go on forever, especially when I wore my heels. Once again I was brought back to a happy memory with Chase. But as hard as Sierra worked at monopolizing my time, she couldn’t stop my internal battle. I skirted the edge of either sinking into a deep dark depression or screaming and yelling and throwing things. For my immediate sanity, I hovered right in the middle, asking myself the same question every day. Why the hell was he doing this to us?

I parked myself at the bar and ordered a margarita while I waited for the rest of the girls to join me. They started trickling in at a couple minutes after six. Kate and Leanne, some of the other girls from the recovery room and fifth floor. Kate was all smiles.

“What’s up with you?” I asked Kate. This was the happiest I had seen her in a while.

“Oh nothing.” She batted her eyelashes and looked away.

“Oh please,” I said, holding my hand up to wave the bartender over.

“Just tell her,” Leanne chimed in. “Lili isn’t that fragile.”

“CJ told me he loved me today,” she divulged. Her smile reached her ears. I couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy. CJ sounded like a nightmare most of the time. I’d never wish for a relationship like theirs, but I wanted to smile that big again. I wanted my happiness back.

“That’s great, Kate.” I totally fake smiled. “So when are we ever going to meet the mystery man?”

“I know. I’m so embarrassed he doesn’t want our relationship exposed because we met at the hospital. Doesn’t make sense. Anyway, I told him my friends keep asking.” She shrugged and sipped her margarita. I didn’t know what to say. My BFF had impeccable timing.

“What’s going on, chicas?” Sierra strolled up to the bar in her three-inch platforms and an adorable tight black tube dress.

“Damn girl, you rock that bump,” Leanne exclaimed.

“Sierra, you look amazing.” Kate reached out to rub her belly.

“Figured since my fat ass can’t drink or dance for fear of peeing myself, might as well look cute. Nobody told me you needed Depends when laughing, coughing or bouncing of any kind, for that matter. Damn, this girl is cramping my style.”

We all chuckled. Sierra was seriously a piece of work sometimes; well, most of the time.

“Well, mission accomplished, Asspuck, you look awesome. Here.” I handed Sierra her wine glass filled with seltzer.

“So you guys drink up. I need to watch someone have fun. I’ll bring everyone home later.” We clinked our glasses and sipped.

“Well, well. What do we have here?”

“Jack, what are you doing here?” Leanne’s voice raised two octaves as Jack sauntered up to the bar all Rico Suave. He snaked his arms around her waist and ground his hips into her backside. “Jack,” Leanne teased. She definitely wasn’t complaining. Damn, I could tell this was going to be a long night of constant envy.

“Aren’t you two smoking hot.” Sierra didn’t waste a minute.

Leanne blushed and snuggled into Jack’s neck.

“Grab a margarita, Jack.” I motioned to the pitcher.

“Thanks, Lili. Guy and Sam should be right behind me. We weren’t missin’ girls’ night out.” He released Leanne and filled his glass. He motioned for another pitcher. I hadn’t seen Guy since our elevator exchange. I had sudden nervous stomach. He thought I was with Chase then, he obviously knew I wasn’t now.

“Dude, Jack, how’d you get so lucky to surround yourself with the hottest girls in Philly?” It wasn’t surprising how quickly Guy weaseled his way into the middle of our circle. He was such a flirt; he turned every female head in the general vicinity. “Hey doll, where’ve you been all week?”

“Oh just working, keeping busy.” I still sipped from my first margarita. Just wasn’t going down as quickly as I hoped. The familiar tight knot and constant burn in my chest wasn’t mixing well with alcohol. Shocker. Guy grabbed a glass, filled it to the brim and went bottoms up within minutes.

“Man, I needed that. Long fucking week.” He leaned against the bar crossing his legs at his ankles. “Shit, and it’s only Thursday. One more day dealing with Colton and his fucking running battle wounds.”

I nearly spit out my drink as my lungs ceased. I slid my hand between my crossed legs and squeezed my thigh so hard I definitely left a mark. I felt Sierra’s eyeballs boring a hole into the side of my face. There was no way I could make eye contact.

“I guess I really shouldn’t complain. He’s been a total dickhead, but I’ve gotten to do a shitload of operating.”

I was waiting for my lungs to start working while Guy pounded a second margarita.

“Hey, excuse us, Guy.” Sierra stepped right in, not letting that conversation go on for a second longer. “I need to steal the girls for a little pregnancy girl talk, we’ll catch up with you in a bit.” Sierra gave him her sweetest smile.

My eyes spoke novels—thank you.

“Jack just went to the end of the bar, some type of sporting event is on.” She motioned to the very large flat screen hanging at the other end of the bar.

“Gotta hang with my dudes … check out the game. See ya in awhile.”

I slumped in my chair and picked up my margarita.

“What’s wrong with you, Asspuck, still nursing your first margarita?”

“Shut it, Sier—I’m fine.” Now my eyes turned devilish, screaming leave-me-alone.

“Anyway, chicas, I had an emergency visit with the OB today.”

I perked up. “And why is this the first time I am hearing of this? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, we’re good, nothing serious.” She waved me off. “I didn’t want to interrupt you at work with my woes of pregnancy—I believe those were your exact words.”

I glared at her. Bitch.

“Because the last time you called me it was the ass crack of dawn, and you were complaining about a freaking hemorrhoid that Dodd found,” I responded defensively even though I knew she was teasing me. The girls erupted into laughter. Sierra was the loudest.

“That was fucking hilarious. Come on, Lil, you know it was.”

Leanne was laughing so hard a tear trickled down her cheek. Kate was clutching her sides. “Just wait, you bitches. You’ll have a baboon ass too.”

“Stop, Sierra, you’re killing us.” Kate giggled.

“If it wasn’t serious, what the hell had you in a panic?” I asked.

“I woke up out of a dead sleep last night with this crazy itchy skin. I seriously thought I was going to scratch a fucking hole in my stomach. My belly was covered in these red bumps. I freaked out and woke Dodd up. I made him Google it at three in the morning. I was clawing the shit out of my skin. I must have looked like a fucking cat rubbing my body against anything firm enough to hold my weight.”

I couldn’t help snickering. “So what the hell was it?”

“Something called PUPPS. I guess a puppy analogy would have been more appropriate.” We all shook our heads in sync and laughed. Sierra knew how to make even the worst situations funny. “Anyway, it’s some crazy ass skin condition in pregnancy that only 1% of the pregnant population gets. Of course I have to be the fucking 1%. Just my damn luck. I’ve been slathering this damn cream on it all day, and thank god it’s helping. Shit, just thinking about it makes me squirm. I’ll be right back I gotta re-lather.”

“She’s hilarious, Lil,” Kate said.

I nodded in agreement but was distracted by Guy’s fast approach.

“Doll,” he slurred. Oh shit, he was drunk. “Come on, let’s dance. You owe me.” He grabbed my hand, tugging me from my chair.

“Guy, you’re drunk.”

“What? So. I just wanna dance.”

We weaved our way through sticky bodies to the center of the dance floor. Guy wrapped his arms around my waist and held me close. My heart rate shot up in the oh crap sort of way. Damn, I should have made an excuse. The way his warm breath bathed my neck sent a shiver down my spine. This was dangerously close to going over the friendship line. And his dancing ability was not lost on me. He was good. Too good. His body rhythmically swayed and moved with the beat perfectly, coaxing me with him.

“You smell so good, Lil.” He nuzzled his face in my neck.

“Guy,” I warned, tightening my body and backing away slightly.

“Oh doll, just dance with me.” He languidly dragged his hands up my body, caught up in the moment. Or that was what I hoped. Catching me off guard, his lips brushed against mine. I blinked frantically and moved my face. Guy ignored my flinch, possessively sliding his hand around the base of my neck. His lips attacked mine in a deep, hungry kiss. I softened for just a moment enjoying his warmth, only to jerk back with my head spinning. Deprived of some much-needed air, I pushed against his chest trying to gain my space. What the hell?

“Shit, Lil, I’m sorry. I just thought ... fuck.” He bowed his head and looked away.

A pang of guilt washed through me. If I had opened my damn eyes I would have seen this coming from a mile away. His flirting, our banter, his need to somehow touch me in any situation. Damn.

“Guy, no, I’m sorry if I was leading you on ... it’s just ... I thought we were just friends.” I turned away. “I’m just gonna head back to the bar.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay,” he stuttered. Obviously embarrassed, he shook his head, muttering several more expletives under his breath. I decided long ago that I would never settle for anything less than butterflies, and I learned tonight they were only reserved for Chase.

Completely flustered, I weaved my way through the mass of people bumping and grinding and grabbed my bag. I mumbled to the girls that I left my phone in my car and I would be back. Pushing through the front door of the bar, I stopped and let out a long breath.

“What the hell,” I sneered. A drunk couple stumbled out the door and slammed into my side. Unsteady on my heels, my ankle buckled. “Shit!” I tried to catch myself. Two strides later I was on my knees in the middle of the freaking parking lot.

“Lili, what the fuck, are you okay?” The voice behind me sounded labored and panicked. His voice. A voice I craved more than anything, now made me fiery mad. What was he doing here? “Why are you on the ground? Are you drunk? Are you hurt?” Apparently missing the collision, he lifted me off the ground.

Chase’s face was chiseled ice; his stare so cold. Goose bumps prickled my freshly shaven legs despite the August heat.

“I’m fine.” I was so not fine. I turned on my heel and spotted my car. The burn in my knees and the warm trickle of blood sliding down my shin reminded me how not drunk I was.

“Where the hell are you going?”

“Home.”

“Like fuck you are. You’re drunk!”

“Chase, I am not having this conversation in the middle of a bar parking lot,” I hissed, waving an aggressive finger between us.

As much as I wanted him, wanted to jump in those ripped arms and rewind to the morning before I walked into that courtroom when Chase still saw only his pure sweet, I couldn’t. There was no erasing the past few weeks. No erasing the pain. My eyes darted to his hands, clutched in tight fists by his sides. Even white-knuckled, I saw the deep bruises on his left hand. My gaze shifted back to his face. The line was faint, but the gash Kate described was still there, marring his gorgeous face. My head spun. Why? Damn it, he was the one who left me, told me to leave. He was torturing us both. Everything was so fucked up. I yanked my car keys out.

“I saw him kiss you, Lili.” I stopped dead in my tracks. “Do you have any idea what that just fucking did to me? I wanted to plow through that crowd, rip him off you and beat him to a pulp. I can’t...” I turned around. The rage in his eyes was tangible. Dr. Intensity met Dr. Jealousy. “Why was he kissing you?”

I blinked several times, unsure of how to respond.

“Why are you here?” I punctuated, but Chase just stared in my eyes. “You know what, Chase, I don’t want to know.” I continued walking to my car, yelling over my shoulder. “I’m going home now. When you’re ready to talk, fine. You know where to find me, but I’m not doing this in the middle of the fucking night.” I opened my car door, slid inside and slammed the door shut. He snapped from his trance and banged on the window, desperation in his eyes.

“No, baby, no. Get out of the car. Don’t you dare drive! Fuck!”

I realized at that moment he actually thought I was drunk. My blood boiled. Screw that. I started my car.

Chase wildly banged his hands on the back of my car. “Blue, get out of the fucking car!” But I pulled away.

On the drive home, tears pooled behind my contacts. Angry tears, confused tears, heartbreaking tears. How the hell did we get here? My pride took a backseat to blurry vision, and I finally blinked hard, allowing the salty streams mixed with mascara to stain my face. So much for holding it together. I stopped at a red light and glanced in the rearview mirror. Chase was following me. His headlights reflected in my rearview mirror, but I saw the fire in his eyes.

“Calm down, Lil.” Now he had me talking to myself.

Luckily there was a parking spot right in front of my apartment. I parallel parked while Chase swerved two cars ahead in front of the fire hydrant.

“Have you lost your fucking mind?” He sprung from his car, slamming his car door so hard I thought the glass was going to shatter into a million pieces. Holy shit.

He aggressively flung my door open to help me out. My insides were on fire. His trembling hands gently caressed my face, wiping my stained cheeks. The look in his grey eyes seared my soul. It was a look I never wanted to see again. Ever. It was ... fear.

He clenched his eyelids closed and pressed his damp forehead against mine. His breathing was labored and I felt his heart beating out of his chest. He chanted to himself, just above a whisper, “Fuck ... fuck ... fuck.”

I stood there. Still. My pulse beating in time with his, giving him the pause he needed. The night air was heavy and humid; it was going to rain at any second.

Rain again. I hated the rain. Especially night storms. The sounds, the smell, the crackling in the air—it all reminded me of that night in my bedroom. The rain pelted so hard against the windows it drowned out the sound of fuck-face’s boots coming up the squeaky stairs. Unfortunately, it wasn’t loud enough to drown out the satisfied noises he made when he pinned my face against my desk and forced himself on me from behind. The rain pouring down in sheets had curtained the windows. All I saw when I had no more fight and my body went limp was a blurry prism of color from an outside light. I hated night storms.

A cold raindrop hit my shoulder. One must have hit Chase too, or he felt me shiver, because he suddenly stopped chanting and removed his head from mine.

“Why would you do that?” His voice was low and gravelly, the anger clearly audible.

I stepped back, needing to put some space between us. It was impossible to think clearly when consumed by his intoxicating smell. I was still mad. Did he really think I would drink and drive?

“I’m not drunk, Chase.” I crossed my arms over my chest.

“Don’t lie to me, Blue. I saw you fucking fall in the parking lot!” He raked his hands through his hair like a crazy man and let out a growl. A fucking growl. Then he squatted down, taking in deep breaths. I suddenly felt awful for whoever had been in the ring with Chase the past few weeks. But he didn’t scare me. I knew he would never hurt me like that. Instead I was scared for him.

“I’m not lying!” I screamed. “That’s your MO, remember? I had two sips of a margarita.” I was still angry as all hell, but seeing him like this killed me more. He lifted his head and we connected. I knew he believed me, but his confusion still resonated. “You try walking in these freaking things!” In my fury, I kicked my foot out to gesture my ridiculously expensive heel. The sexy Jimmy Choo went flying and missed Chase’s face by a millimeter. Shit. My mouth dropped open. Flying shoes didn’t really help my I swear I’m really sober argument.

Chase grabbed my shoe and stood straight up. He closed the short distance between us and handed me my shoe. “Why would you let me believe you were drunk? Why didn’t you just say so in the parking lot? Do you have any idea?”

I was getting really tired of him saying that. “NO! I have no fucking idea about anything. Because you don’t tell me anything!” I pushed hard against his chest. He didn’t budge. I felt like my neck veins were going to explode. I guess I could rest assured that I didn’t have a brain aneurysm because I was pretty sure my blood pressure at that moment would have ruptured it. Rain started to fall. Hard, big drops.

“I lost my twin sister because of a drunk driver.”

I held my breath.

“She was pissed off at me. She made the stupidest decision of her life and got in the car with a drunk eighteen-year-old who thought he was invincible.” His body went rigid as the rain fell harder. I didn’t move. I couldn’t. “Blue, I swear, when you got in that car. All I could think about was losing the most important person in my life again.”

He swiped at the rain falling against his face. I hated the pain I saw in his eyes. Memories came flooding—all the times Chase commented about drinking and driving, Pete always driving us home after every outing with alcohol (no matter how little), Chase’s overreaction the night at Rosa’s when I said Guy would drive me home. Asher never told me what happened to his sister, but how did I not put two and two together?

Letting out my breath, I cupped his wet face this time. “Hey, I’m right here, I’m fine. Oh Chase, I had no idea about your sister. I’m so sorry. I should have never let you think I was drunk. I was ... just mad and hurt and confused.”

He was distant; his eyes were empty. He broke our connection and paced back and forth. The rain was pouring down his face.

“Aaaahhh!” he shouted up toward the sky. “That night...” He dropped down to a squat and raked his hands through his wet hair again. His elbows rested on his knees as he gripped his forehead. “It was just so fucking stupid. I was so selfish. All I was thinking about was my goddamn self. I should have been watching out for my sister. FUUUCK!”

I dropped down in front of him on my already scraped knees. “Chase, look at me.” I removed his clenched fists from his forehead and made him look at me. Again I saw nothing.

“Goddammit, Chase, fucking look at me.” I needed him to return to this moment.

He blinked several times, and then I saw guilt, regret, and sadness roll through him. As mad as I was, he needed my comfort.

“You were young, Chase. She was young, and people make decisions that can change lives forever. It wasn’t your fault your sister got into that car.” I went into social worker mode. “You can blame yourself all you want, but it was never your fault. You said you should’ve been there for her, but you know what? She might have gotten into that car anyway. It wasn’t your decision to make … it was hers. You lost your sister, your twin. To lose someone you love—that deeply alters your life forever. I realize the pain never stops. Not ever. And the gap in your heart never closes, but it’s okay. That hole in your heart is a shape that no one else will ever fit. You don’t want them to. It’s the place where you can reminiscence and cherish your happy memories.”

The tears began somewhere in the middle of me talking. Chase sat on the ground and pulled me onto his lap. He gripped me so tight and buried his head in my chest so deep, while a sob tore through his body. His warm tears soaked my already wet body. I stroked his hair and clung to his back as I tried to calm him with my gentle words. We sat like that, holding each other for a long time. Nothing but the rain filled the air.

Finally he broke the silence and simply said, “I need you, baby.”

And all I wanted was to give him what he needed. I knew we had a lot more to talk about, but in that moment I needed him just as much. Our mouths collided with such a hungry desperation. Groaning in unison. Like this was the last kiss we might ever share. I stroked and sucked on his tongue, straddling my legs around his waist. My hands tugged on his drenched silky strands, drawing him closer. I couldn’t get him close enough. His hands greedily roamed my slick wet body, running up my legs and thighs, gripping my butt and drawing me into his straining erection. With too much fabric separating us, I released his hair and clawed at his soaked shirt.

“Oh Chase, please, I need you too, so bad.”

In one swoop he lifted me from the ground, and I instinctively encircled my legs around his waist. He strode directly for the small alleyway separating my building from the next. I moaned as my back slammed against the cold wet brick. In moments my lace thong was in shreds, and I felt his warm tip at my entrance. This man had the power to consume me, complete me and melt away everything surrounding us. He thrust inside me, fulfilling my weeks’ long emptiness.

“Chase, you feel so good.” I arched and cried out in pure and utter ecstasy as he settled into a deliciously wicked pace. He was lost inside me. He abandoned his control and gave himself over to me. To us. And I loved that I did this to him. I loved every second of it.

“Oh shit, baby...” He hesitated and slowed his pace, with a look of concern in his eyes. “Am I hurting you? Shit.”

“No, please don’t stop, I need this,” I pleaded. “I need you to take me hard, please, fuck me.”

That was all the reassurance he needed. He growled, running his tongue along my lips as he nipped and sucked my bottom lip into his mouth.

I moaned, “Yes, Chase, yes.”

He returned to his punishing pace while the rain pelted off my sensitive skin, only heightening my arousal. I was so close. God, I had missed our connection. He tightened his hands around my hips and ground into my sex. I flew over the edge. I clung to his chest as wave after wave of my climax pulsed through me.

“I’ve missed you so much. Fuck.” He shuddered against me from the sheer force of his climax. “Baby, you have no idea what you do to me.” With sexy heavy lids he looked deep into my eyes. “If just for a second you could see yourself from my eyes, maybe then you would realize just how pure sweet you are to me.”

I didn’t know what to say.

Instead, I snuggled close and decided in that moment I loved the rain.

19

Weight

He was so beautiful. Tonight was mind-blowing. Amazing. I could have watched him sleep all night. He looked so ... peaceful. The harsh rain was no longer lashing against my bedroom alcove windows and now sounded more like a child’s soothing soundscape. It lulled Chase to sleep about an hour ago. That along with his third crushing orgasm of the night. Not surprising, he added double that number to my running tally. Oh, how I missed this man. I longed to relive those hours over and over again. Our connection seared my soul. If there was a doubt about how I felt about this man, it was erased. I love him. Madly and deeply. All of him, even the fucked up parts.

Every muscle in my body burned from complete and utter exhaustion, but I refused to close my eyes and let this night end. Tomorrow was the unknown. Was he going to slip away? The lyrics to one of my favorite running songs, Daylight, looped on repeat in my head. I was staring at his perfection in my arms and hoping to hell this was not our last night together. I was terrified that when the sun came up we would be on our own. I knew there was still so much uncertainty. He might have finally opened up and told me about losing his sister, but it didn’t explain why he walked away from us.

After our explosive reunion in the alley, Chase carried me straight into a hot shower, stripped us out of our sopping wet clothes and gently washed every inch of my body, tending to my scraped knees as if they were gaping wounds. I knew through his soothing words and compassionate gaze he would wash away every bad thing that ever happened to me if he could.

We didn’t really speak again. Not until after he made sweet love to me and we were quietly entangled and caressing each other under the sheets. As much as I loved the comfortable silence, Chase retreating to his head was worse. I wanted him to know he could trust me, that I was his safe place.

Lying side by side, our noses only an inch apart, I whispered, “She was beautiful.” I hoped my attempt to re-engage our conversation didn’t backfire. He must have known I saw the photographs that lined his parents’ library. We never spoke of his sister after he walked in on Asher telling me about the accident.

He exhaled softly and parted his lips ever so slightly, as if the memory just dawned on him. “Yes. She was.” But that was all he said. No more. Instead his fingertips continued their gentle assault over the sensitive skin of my side.

When I got up the nerve to try again, I stopped myself. Chase’s eyes possessed a frailty, imploring me no more, not tonight. The rawness clawed at my heart and I decided to leave it alone. Instead I crawled on top of my damaged man. We made love to the beat of the rain until he surrendered to sleep.

Now with his eyes closed and breath so soft, I wondered what he was dreaming of. What happened that night of his sister’s accident? Did it haunt his dreams? My gut told me there was more weighing on his soul. I brushed his overgrown hair from his forehead, tracing the healing cut on his temple. Why, baby? I was losing the battle to stay awake. I snuggled in closer and whispered a prayer. “Please trust me enough to show me beneath your beautiful.”

I struggled against my heavy lids, finally succumbing. Daylight was inevitable.

Falling asleep naked in the arms of my amazingly hot lover while listening to Maroon Five play in my head probably explained the incredible dream I was having. When the bed dipped the first time, I was too tired to move. But Chase’s warm lips touched the tip of my nose and I heard him say, “I’ll be back, Blue.” God I hoped so. I tried to open my eyes, but it was useless. I drifted back off.

The second time the bed dipped—I was able to lift my eyelids. Chase was showered and in clean clothes, sitting on the edge of the bed. He went home already. What time was it?

I groggily sat up against my headboard, raising the light sheet over my naked breasts. It was insanely hot again. “What time is it?” My voice sounded raspy even to me.

Chase leaned over, grabbed my glasses off my nightstand and sweetly placed them on my face. He gently stroked my cheek and lightly brushed his lips across mine. His intoxicating smell overwhelmed me.

“You’re teasing me,” I whispered.

He looked amused, tenderly tucking my morning bed hair behind my ears. “It’s early, baby. I’m sorry I woke you. I have a case this morning that I already had to reschedule from last week, or else I would have stayed in bed.” His face turned serious, like he was memorizing my features; like I was the most beautiful thing he ever laid eyes on; like it might be the last time he had the chance.

“I understand. I’d never be upset about you having to go to work.” He knew that, so why did he look ... nervous.

He handed me a hot Starbucks cup. “Girl coffee. I think I owe you a few weeks’ worth.” His voice was low, and he looked down at the floor, avoiding eye contact. I didn’t like where this was going.

“Chase? What’s wrong?”

He rubbed his palms back and forth over his knees.

“Chase, look at me.” Nothing. The already sweltering room suddenly got ten degrees warmer. “Chase?” This was not happening, again. Was it? Uncertainty overwhelmed me. I witnessed the same frailty from last night plaguing those beautiful eyes. He was retreating to his head. “Truth, Chase ... truth. You can trust me—I’m here for you. Please.” Something had to give.

He kicked his shoes off and rested his back against the headboard. I laid my head against his chest. An eerie silence pulsed through me; the only sound was his heartbeat beneath my ear. I waited.

“The summer after graduation, a bunch of us were hanging at the beach. Typical Hamptons Saturday. Our parents couldn’t give a shit what we were doing, as long as we were out of their hair. Playing music, had our guitars, plenty of food and too much beer. We all had money. So it wasn’t a surprise to end our night at a beach house party because the kid’s parents were away touring Europe.” Disgust was in his voice. I peeked up as he shook his head. “Kimi, Talia, Asher and I were pretty much inseparable. It’s just how it was. Talia and Kim were best friends for as long as I can remember. Everyone thought they looked alike, I never really saw it. Maybe because they were both thin with long blonde hair. They were both gorgeous, but my sister’s eyes were the color of the ocean. The four of us had a pretty good band for high school, spent a ton of time hanging out, practicing. Kimi and I played guitar, Talia had a pretty good voice and Asher loved to channel his built up energy on the drums. We’d truck our shit to any dive in the city who would listen to us. We ended up playing at a couple bigger places too, nothing too crazy but we had a lot of fun.” The tension in his face softened slightly, obviously remembering a happy time. “Anyway, I remember the sun was scorching on the beach that afternoon and the cold beer was flowing. We didn’t stop there. Back at the house, the liquor came out. We were all wasted. Eighteen and not a care in the world. So fucking stupid. Kimi had a thing for this guy. Total dick. She was so fucking book smart, it was insane. But my sister had a thing for the bad boy. Being the over-protective hypocritical twin brother, I didn’t approve and made it known. She was pissed at me for butting in and we drunkenly had it out, shouting and cursing on the deck, but I let her walk away. She stormed down the beach to find him anyway.” His heart slammed against his chest wall as his arms tightened their grip around me. I was silent; barely breathing for fear he would stop talking. “I went back to partying after that. The music was good and I was throwing shots back left and right. I found myself in Talia’s arms.” He tipped my chin and pulled my face up to meet his gaze. “I need you to hear this.” The sadness in his eyes broke my heart.

“Okay.” I was trying so hard to be strong. I knew reliving this was agonizing and he was worried about my feelings. “Keep going.” My voice wobbled as the moisture behind my eyes filled.

“We were dancing and flirting, nothing too unusual for the two of us. I always knew she had a crush on me, but I never went there, out of respect for my sister. Kimi made me promise. But after our fight, and a few shots, that promise went out the fucking window ... I kissed her.” Chase looked disgusted with himself, shaking his head, like he committed a heinous crime. “And being a fucking horny stupid jackass, I brought her upstairs.” He sat straight up; the rage in his eyes was indescribable. “At the same time, my sister was getting in a car with that wasted asshole ... fuck, Lili, I let that happen. If I wasn’t so fucking selfish I could have stopped her. I would have fucking stopped her even if I had to pull her away kicking and screaming. Instead I was upstairs fucking her best friend.” He dropped his head in his hands as his whole body trembled. I had no words.

“A few hours later, my father was screaming my name like a lunatic through the house. I must have passed out with Talia, because I woke up fumbling, searching for my clothes. I took one look at my dad’s face and I was instantly sick. Lil, he was a fucking mess. I barely got out the front door and I started vomiting. It was the longest fucking car ride of my life. He wouldn’t look at me, didn’t say anything until we pulled up to the hospital. All he said was ‘your sister was in an accident.’ Part of me died when he spoke those words. I knew, I knew by his face she was dead or dying. Cracking my chest open without anesthesia would have hurt less. The pain was, fuck, I can’t even describe it. That motherfucker wrapped his car around a fucking tree not even a mile from the house, leaving my sister half brain dead.”

His jaw was so tight. I could tell he was still just so angry. I was beyond heartbroken for the man I loved.

I clung to his neck, hoping my death grip could soothe a fraction of the pain he carried. “Oh baby, I’m so sorry.” I had never felt so devoid of words.

His arms tightened around my waist, matching my grip. “She didn’t die, Blue. That would have been a blessing ... instead my parents sent her to fucking hell for three years, a fucking long-term facility in Boston. If you could even call it that.” He released me, abruptly stood and slammed his clenched fists against my mattress, punching with such force that my headboard crushed against the wall. “My parents basically wrote her off. They didn’t even fucking visit her, said it was better that way,” he hissed. “I transferred to BU second semester so I could at least be closer, could visit ... not as often as I should have. Fuck, if I just would have visited sooner, then maybe...” His voice trailed off.

He clenched his eyelids so tight even his brow wrinkled, as if he was trying to stop memories from flooding. As if the memories alone were causing him physical pain. My heart ached for him. I couldn’t even begin to imagine that kind of loss, that kind of sorrow. I was so young when I lost my mother, I wasn’t even sure if the few memories I had were real or created from old pictures that went along with stories I had been told. I missed having a mother, but that wasn’t the same as missing my mother. Chase missed his sister. His twin and best friend. For half of a fraction of a millisecond I felt lucky. Then six plus feet of taut muscle dropped to his knees against my bed. His shoulders were shaking. He was shaking. I didn’t know what to do.

Chase’s voice was barely audible. “Every time I went to see her, I walked down the long corridor to her depressing room. Hell, it was more of a prison than a hospital, and I would pray I’d walk in and see her moving, any movement. I knew it wasn’t possible, but I’d be damned if it didn’t stop me from hoping. That’s why I think I froze that day. I literally fucking stood still for at least ten seconds. Or maybe that’s how long it took my brain to process ... ten fucking seconds too many.” The anticipation of his next words created a dreadful feeling in my chest; my heart hurt. “Her head was turned toward the door and her eyes were open. It almost looked like she was nodding at me, trying to tell me something. Then I realized it was just the movement of the bed being propelled forward by the sick fuck that was on top of her, fucking her like an animal ... raping her.” I slapped my hand over my mouth, my gut clenched so tight the bile slid up and stung the back of my throat. I wanted to be strong for him, but I had zero control of the tremble shaking my body. “It took another five seconds before my legs could actually move. The worthless staff member must have heard the one scream that fucker let out before my fist cracked his jaw, and pulled me off him before I killed the son of a bitch. She was trapped in that bed. Fuck, she was trapped in her own brain ... left alone with those deranged motherfuckers.” Tears streaked down my cheeks as Chase kept his head against my bed. My brain would not wrap around the fact that he witnessed his sister being dehumanized. She was completely defenseless, lying in a hospital bed unable to fight, unable to scream. The memories of my own rape poured into my brain. I looked down at my hands, watching the tears soak into my skin. I realized I couldn’t even feel them. My blood was ice; my body was completely numb. I knew I needed to comfort Chase. I needed to bend down and hold him, but I was frozen.

He swallowed hard, lifting his watery eyes. “Baby, when I found out you were raped I felt like I was reliving my nightmare all over again. I saw nothing but red. How could it be possible that something so disgusting happened to the only two women I have ever cared about? I was so angry I was going out of my mind. I had to leave. I had to fight. I knew you needed me, but I left anyway. I am so sorry, baby, so sorry.”

My mind was racing. My body was still in shock, but I knew I had to say something. “Chase, no. Stop. I can’t believe ... oh god, I’m so sorry.” I sunk into the bed, my words felt so meaningless. Because they were meaningless. Every time someone said, “I can’t believe that happened to you” and “I’m so sorry” I had felt nothing. There was no amount of comfort or sympathy to rid the feeling of emptiness. The reason I built my wall.

My cold limp hand reached for him anyway. I needed his warmth more than air. We both needed reassurance the other wasn’t going anywhere. He was my safe place, or I hoped so, and I wanted him to know I was his safe place too.

“I know why you left.” Because I did. After I was raped I left too. I left physically, but I left emotionally, too. I chose to walk around with an ironclad barrier devoid of all emotion to survive. “This nightmare ... oh my god.” I gripped his cheeks begging for our eyes to meet. As much as I knew it calmed him, it calmed me too. “It has haunted you for decades and then you had to sit there and listen to what happened to me. Shit. I should have told you. I should have warned you. I was just so-” I choked on my words. I was the cause of so much more pain for him. My heart literally ached.

“Lili, no, baby.” He stroked a finger down my cheek, searching, looking. I wasn’t sure what he was looking for but I was pretty sure he didn’t find it. My eyes must have been too full of sadness and pain. “Don’t you fucking dare think this is your fault, please, baby, no. I told you before I’m toxic. I’m the fucked up one who has never dealt with her death. Shit, I’ve never been able to forgive myself.” He raked his hands through his hair, the telltale sign he was beside himself. “She’s the reason I became a doctor, the reason why I’m a fucking neurosurgeon, the whole sorry-there’s-nothing-we-can-do prognosis wasn’t good enough. It will never be good enough. Shit. I didn’t even know what a neurosurgeon was until my sister’s fucking brain died. I watched her lifeless body lay in that bed for three years straight.” He reached for me, and unconsciously my body responded. I crawled to the end of the bed and knelt in front of him. “I made a promise to her that I would do everything in my power to never let anyone else suffer like she did.”

Something inside me snapped. He was the one suffering. His sister was at peace. Chase was the one suffering with the agonizing guilt for so many years with no one to turn to. He had never trusted anyone ever, yet in this moment he had picked me. I was overwhelmed with emotion. The pain, the devastation, the turmoil I felt inside was somehow overpowered by an unbelievable sense of relief. He had finally opened up to me, shared his darkest secrets. And I didn’t think it was possible, but I loved him more. My achy heart swelled in my chest. I clutched his wet cheeks. He looked so fragile, so tired of being angry. He finally looked defeated. “Look at yourself, you’re doing just that and so much more. My god, Chase, you’re a brilliant surgeon. People fly in from all over the world, because you give them a chance, a real chance. She would have been so proud of you.” I lightly kissed his lips. “She is so proud of you. She’s your angel. She’s your strength to make all those crazy decisions. She’s the reason you developed that equipment?” The puzzle pieces were falling together.

“Yeah, not that it did her any good. When I was transferring colleges, I already decided on medicine, so I applied to the combined undergrad/med program, and wrote about Kimi’s accident in my essay. How medicine wrote off certain traumatic brain injuries as hopeless, and how there had to be a better way. Luckily the doctor I interviewed was an old school neurologist, and he offered to mentor my research on the spot. So I was able to get started right away. But my parents didn’t want me to waste my trust fund money financing research, so I had to wait until I turned twenty-one to really get it rolling.” He looked down and shook his head. I knew exactly what he was thinking. He couldn’t save the one person that mattered most to him in the world.

“Look at me, Chase.” His eyes were so heavy and sad it crushed me. It was hard to breathe. “You’re doing everything you can, everything but forgiving yourself for something that was never your fault. You think your sister would want you to feel like this, live like this? You can’t heal until you forgive yourself. Let me help you.”

His eyes welled. My damaged, heartbroken man was really finally letting me in. He was trusting me. He pulled me tight to his chest. Our hearts and breathing synced, I waited.

“Will you come somewhere with me? I need to go to Boston. Soon.”

“I have Sierra’s baby shower in Cape Cod this weekend, come with me. Then we can stop in Boston on the way back.” I ran my hands up and down his chiseled arms.

“Baby, you have no idea how much that would mean to me. Thank you.” He kissed me so tenderly I moaned at the loss of his lips. He glanced down at his watch. “Fuck, I have a case in thirty minutes, I need to go.” Both of us still such an emotional mess I didn’t want him to go.

“I know I fucked up, Blue, but I’m gonna try. I’m gonna try not to hurt you again.” I watched his shoulders slightly relax, like part of the heavy weight had been lifted. Something shuddered inside me. I repeated his words, I’m gonna try not to hurt you again. The relief from moments ago was gone. Somehow during my last breath I was more agitated. I stared at him, and like always, his eyes were his story. There was something else. My gut told me there was another part to that weight.

20

Color

“You’re here.” Sierra threw her arms around my neck. “See, baby girl? Aunt Lili wouldn’t miss your party.” Sierra rubbed her belly.

I rolled my eyes. “Like I would ever, drama.”

“Well, I didn’t know if Chase was going to steal you and fly you into the sunset.” She was actually dead serious.

I had not expected her to be over our conversation this morning. At an ungodly hour, I pounded my semi-cold latte for any type of liquid courage. I knew she was going to freaking kill me. I knew she was only protecting me. She had watched me suffer; she saw when I was empty. She was the only reason I kept going. So I knew she wasn’t going to be happy when I didn’t leave with her and Dodd on the Acela train at nine in the morning. The train she insisted on. Sierra, being Sierra, had crazy visions of delivering mid-air and some nonsense about her daughter and statelessness. She was way too nervous to fly. And the rest of the crew was flying to Providence around noon, renting a car and driving the last hour or so to beat the Friday night traffic. I wasn’t going to do either. I couldn’t leave Chase after our emotional morning. I didn’t want to. So he picked me up at one with sushi take-out. Pete whisked us to the airport for our very quiet one hour and eight minute flight into Providence. Both of us too drained for much talking, it gave me a lot of time to think. The lyrics to Daylight flashed back to mind. What if this was my last glance and soon it would all be a memory? I wanted to slow it down. I needed to pause. I needed some time to process my feelings, his feelings and how our screwed up lives could mesh. Once we landed at four I knew the Route 6 Cape Cod traffic was inevitable. Chase continued to insist we would arrive by dinner. Well, after our forty-minute helicopter ride, he was right. His exact words had been: “Baby, I can’t change the traffic pattern, but we can fly over it.” Now, why didn’t I think of that?

“You, stop it.” I pulled her aside. “Are you mad at me? I hope not because I love you and I love him and I really, really want you to love each other. Please give him another chance,” I whispered, wondering to myself if my heart could give him another chance. I hadn’t told her much from the morning, just that Chase was working through something from years ago. Shockingly, she hadn’t pushed me on it and I was appreciative.

“Holy shit! How’d you not tell me you told him you loved him?” she hissed.

“Shhh. I haven’t. I’ve only told myself ... and you. I don’t know if we’re ready for that yet.” I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.

“Fine. I’ll try.” Moisture glistened behind her lids. Sierra NEVER cried. “You look so beautiful, Lil, I’m so happy for you.” After the day I had, hell, after the week I had, I was exhausted. Beautiful was a definite stretch, but I smiled at her anyway.

“Damn this baby and my damn hormones.” I smirked. How could I not? Sierra was a hormonal hot mess. “Get the fuck away from me, please, before I lose it. Go get you and Dr. Personality some bubbly.” She pushed me toward the bar. “I ordered the yummy one you suggested,” she said blinking away her unshed tears to give me a sly smile.

“You’re bat-shit crazy, you know that, right?” I walked back, kissed her cheek and rubbed my niece. “But I love you.”

“Get your Asspuck ass away from me now.”

I laughed for the first time all day.

Chase stood at the bar alone. The hospital gang was stunned, to say the least, when we walked through the door together. You could have heard a pin drop. After a few awkward hellos and a “hey boss,” Leanne broke the tense silence and suggested a stroll down to the water. Jackson seemed the least fazed by Chase’s surprise arrival and probably would have stayed behind to talk shop and grab a drink, but it was obvious wherever Leanne was going, Jackson was going. They were turning out to be a cute couple. I totally called that one. Kate and the other two nurses Sierra had grown fond of during ladies’ nights at Rosa’s, conveniently decided they wanted a better look at the beach as well. I couldn’t blame them. Not for nothing, they were on a mini-vacation. Who wanted to hang out with the boss? A boss who had a tendency to run hot and cold. And, as of late, all hot. Kate had given me her feeble attempt at eye daggers before walking off, quietly whispering in my ear, “You go, girl!”

Standing there drawing on his beer, he was breathtaking. I wanted him to be all mine, but I was hesitating. He was right. He worked at crumbling my wall, but that protective barrier was back, surrounding me. I leaned against the bar.

“Hi, baby.” He kissed my temple and handed me a glass of champagne “You tired?”

“Mm-hmm,” I moaned. “Think I’m going to finish my champagne and then head up, I’m really tired.” I was circling, spinning, twirling around that empty dark hole I knew so well. My brain and my heart were once again facing off. I wasn’t sure what I felt. But I knew I wanted him to stay and give me something to hold on to. I never wanted to see the bottom of that hole again.

“Okay, baby, whatever you want to do.” He looked down at me with a soft melancholic smile. “Sierra has good taste in champagne.”

I smiled at him. “I’m gonna head over there and say hi to some of the girls, if you want to go to the room now I don’t mind.”

“I’m okay, baby, I’ll wait for you.”

The Wychmere Beach Club was gorgeous. And our suite had a breathtaking view of the Nantucket Sound. The resort was situated just so, allowing the ocean to lap up on two sides. I stopped at the open French doors and stared out into the blackness. The repetitive crash of the gentle waves hitting the shore was the most peaceful sound in the world. It had more soothing power than Xanax and Zoloft combined. I should know. After my miscarriage, when it was clear that staying in Wrangel was not an option and before I had a chance to work out the logistics of moving to Philly, I retreated to this very beach. Sierra’s family owned a house a mile down the road. Their place, and more importantly, this beach was my safe haven. Just like I did now, I would clench my eyes shut and pace my breathing to the beat of the soft whoosh of the waves. I thought of nothing. Felt nothing. I barely recognized that debased heartbroken girl anymore. But what had I replaced her with? An unsettling pit formed in my stomach.

Chase was on the balcony with a bottled beer, waiting for me. He looked relaxed sitting in a wooden Adirondack chair, with his feet crossed against the balcony railing. His white shirt that fit across his muscular chest perfectly was now unbuttoned and hanging wide open, exposing his perfectly sculpted abdomen. He was still wearing his grey slacks that hung low on his hips, but he was barefoot. I’d been in awe of his body since the day he unknowingly ripped his bloody scrub shirt off in front of me. I would have been blind to not be enamored by his physique; it was the perfect blend of a jacked NHL forward and a Calvin Klein underwear model. Staring out at him now, after he bared his soul to me earlier today, I was sad to think of the steep price Chase paid for that chiseled perfection—years of intense physical training, trying to literally fight the demons that haunted him. All of a sudden his need to step into a ring and fight made sense. How else could you exorcise the vision of your defenseless twin sister getting brutally defiled from your memory? It was his escape. Was it all that different from my need to run?

A soft breeze bathed my face, bringing me back to the moment. I knew I should step out onto the balcony … that Chase was waiting. But I had no energy left. I wanted to sit on his lap and let myself mold into his warm embrace. I wanted to let him know how much his being here with me meant. How much his trusting me with his demons meant. How much he meant. But I just ... didn’t. Instead I showered and curled up in the massive king size bed and concentrated on the waves. Chase never came. I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or hurt. Eventually I was lulled to sleep.

“No. No. Fuck, stop!” The shrill shouting in the background of my dream scared the crap out of me. My heart hit my throat. I jumped straight up. I was wide awake. It was Chase; he was thrashing around the bed. Sweat was dripping from his brow. His t-shirt was soaked.

“Chase!” He was still asleep. Dreaming. His lids were closed, but I could see his eyes pinballing back and forth. “Chase!” I shook his shoulder a little harder. He was ice cold and clammy. “You’re dreaming, baby, please wake up, please wake up. Chase, you’re dreaming.” I couldn’t wake him up.

He continued to shout, “No, no … stop.”

I ran to the bathroom and soaked a washcloth with cold water. I wiped his forehead and shook him hard. “Chase, please, you’re scaring me, please wake up.” His eyes flipped open, and I watched his body continue to tremble from head to toe.

“Fuck.” He looked terrified. His eyes were so wide I thought they might pop out. “Blue.”

“I’m right here, Chase,” my voice cracked.

“Fuck, I scared you.”

He had. I was trembling. He reached for me and I instinctively backed away slightly. I needed a minute, or maybe an hour, or a day, or a year, or maybe a lifetime. Confusion pummeled through me like a two-ton truck. Was I the cause of all of his demons resurfacing? We had slept together so many times and never had he had a dream like this. Maybe the combination of everything we both suffered through was not going to work.

“Um ... I’m ... um ... I’m just gonna go for a run,” I stuttered, climbing off the bed. I fumbled in the dim light for my sports bra and shorts, slipped on my sneakers and left.

“Lili, please, baby, come back.” I heard his voice from the other side of the door. It was tense, he was pleading.

I hit the beach and started running. I wasn’t even sure what time it was, but it had to be very early. The sun was just coming up over the horizon. The pink and yellow hues should have been beautiful, but all I saw was grey. Every shade of grey flashed before my eyes. The looming black hole in sight. I couldn’t go back there. I couldn’t go back to a world of no color. Chase gave me color and I wanted to keep it that way. What was I running from?

Sweat beaded at the nape of my neck and dripped down my back. I ran harder and faster. The spray from the crashing ocean waves was not cooling my inferno. My calves were beginning to cramp from gripping the uneven sand, and my lungs were burning. I didn’t care. I pushed through the pain. If pain was what I needed to feel, so be it. I never wanted numb and empty again.

Those weeks after I was raped, hell, the years after I was raped … hell, up until a mere six weeks ago, I felt nothing. And I hated it. And now after finding someone worth loving and knowing what it felt like to be loved, or so I hoped, I was questioning it. I thought back to a book my dad read to me as a kid ... sometimes when you love something so much you have to let it free. Was that what I needed to do? Maybe I couldn’t handle Chase and the nightmare that had him thrashing around in a cold sweat? Or was it that I couldn’t handle that I just might be the reason for his nightmare? I feared our combined heartaches were just too much. I clutched my sides as a sharp stabbing pain shook me. Was love supposed to have this much turmoil?

The resort was a mere speck in the far distance when I finally stopped running and laid my back in the sand. My calf felt like a pit bull had gnawed through my muscle. I attempted to massage the tightening knot, while gasping to expand my burning lungs. What the fuck was I doing? I finally loved someone for the first time in my life and I was running away like I had for the past three years. What was I so afraid of?

A muffled voice came from the distance. I would know that voice anywhere. “Fuck, Blue. Are you training for a marathon?”

He came for me.

How long was I gone? No doubt my body was going to be pissed tomorrow after the damage I just inflicted upon myself. The sun was up now, and at the sound of his voice, the reds and yellows bounced around under my lids. I took a deep soothing breath. He really was my color. How could I not fight for us? Yes, I was scared. But scared was something, a feeling. Scared was better than feeling nothing.

“Baby, you ran for-fucking-ever.” He was getting closer. “You scared the hell out of me, I could barely see you. Those damn rock jettings were in the way.” He collapsed next to me, immediately pulling me against his chest. His heart was pounding as fast as mine. “You’re crying?”

I forgot I was crying. But it was okay, because my mind was a tornado swirling with emotions. Emotions he was responsible for bringing back to me.

His breath was forced and ragged from running. “Fuck. Don’t do this, baby, please. I need you. Don’t shut down, not now. Talk to me. Fuck, Lili, look at me.” His heart slammed against his drenched chest. “Tell me what I need to do.”

I sat up and opened my eyes, squinting against the sun, wishing it were that simple. His disheveled wet hair looked almost black against his perfectly tanned skin. His bare rippled chest reflected the sun, accentuating the dark ink down his taut ribcage. His eyes were wide open. The intense softness behind them told me without a doubt, this man would never intentionally harm me. Guilt rippled through me when I remembered how I withdrew when he asked if he scared me. I wished I could take that back, erase that part of the scene.

Chase ran his warm fingers under my puffy lids, wiping away the last of my tears. His touch calmed me from the inside out. Our eyes locked, and suddenly, the last thing I ever wanted to do again was run. I had been running away for three years. Shit, I’d been sleep running if such a thing existed. After that bastard violated me, I tucked my heart and soul to bed and ran away from any place or anyone that threatened to wake that part of me up. Until this beautiful man panting in front of me charged into my life.

“I don’t want to run anymore, I’m just so tired of sleep running.” It was all I could say. It was true. I was tired of running. Tired. I wanted to stop. I wanted to stay awake. I didn’t want to run away from any more of my life. I just wanted to feel. If that meant not always feeling happy, not always feeling comfortable, if it meant suffering through times of worry, times that made me scared, times of sadness and heartache, then I was in. I wanted all in. If love was my only constant, then nothing else mattered.

“I want you to be my constant. When I open my eyes in the morning I never ever want to wonder where you are, if you ran away from us. The thought that I was the reason for your nightmare this morning scared the shit out of me. You’ve been through so much, and I’m so scared that our combined heartaches are just going to be too much.”

“Baby…”

I hushed him because he needed to hear me out.

“Until I met you, Chase, I was drifting in a sea of nothing. I walked around in a world of grey. I literally built a shield, blocking out every penetrable emotion. I didn’t let anything through. And then you came along and crumbled my wall.”

“Baby, first of all, you did not cause my nightmare. I’ve had them for years, but less frequently lately. They’re the reason I never slept with a woman ... before you.” My eyes widened. Confused. “Not that you want to hear this and not that I’m proud of it, but I’ve never been one to share my bed, uh-um, after ... until I met you. Now I can’t imagine sleeping without you tucked by my side. But maybe you’re right, maybe me telling you about Kimi brought shit back to the surface. I’m so sorry I scared you, but what scared me more was you running out the door. So sitting here listening to you tell me you don’t want to run anymore, you don’t want to sleep run, fuck, Blue, you just made me the happiest man alive.” He tenderly ran his hand down my cheeks and tucked the loose strands that fell from my ponytail behind my ears.

“Just promise me you won’t walk away again. I’m tired of living my life like a bad movie. I don’t want anymore pauses ... no more rewinds. I want our life to play out live. You woke me up, Chase. You brought color back to my life. The only time I ever want to see grey again is when I’m looking in your eyes.”

His tender lips claimed mine as he leaned me back onto the sand. “I’m not going anywhere, baby. I want you awake and I definitely want our life playing out live because I don’t want to miss a fucking second of it.”

The last layer of my barrier evaporated into thin air. I closed my eyes and saw nothing but bright vibrant colors. I gripped him tighter. If I could have climbed inside him I would have. I wanted this, I wanted all in, even the fucked up parts.

I winced when Chase finally let go of me, wanting the moment to never end. “Come on we have a baby shower to get ready for. I don’t think getting you there late will score me any points with your best friend.”

“You’re probably right, but you could score some serious points with me,” I said suggestively.

Chase responded with a smile that reached his eyes. “Mmm. I missed that sassy little mouth.” His lips brushed the tip of my nose. “Hop on, sweetness.” He motioned for me to jump on his back.

“You can’t be serious? You can’t carry me all the way back.”

“First of all, you just sprinted a half marathon. I found you rubbing your calf like a banshee. You’re not walking back. Second. Yes, I can.”

You’d think I would have learned by now.

21

Pure steel

The baby shower was ... a baby shower. No matter how you dressed it up, changed the location or added testosterone to the guest list, showers were showers. But Sierra looked radiantly happy rocking her mini black and pink paisley halter sundress that boasted a neckline that plunged to meet the empire waist, accentuating her girls, as she liked to call them these days. She even insisted on keeping with the theme and highlighted her short pixie haircut with chunky pink streaks. But my personal favorite was her skinny little feet in my four-inch camel colored Louboutins. Probably the first time in our friendship, Sierra asked to borrow something out of my closet. She made eight months of pregnancy look glamorous, and Dodd, her husband of two years couldn’t keep his eyes off her. Adoration consumed his gaze, like she was the most beautiful woman in the world, and he was proud that she was going to be the mother of his children. No one deserved it more.

She opened gift, after gift, after gift—all varying shades of pink everything. I wondered what my life would have been like if I hadn’t miscarried. He or she would have been almost three. The image of a little one tearing the tantalizing Dylan’s candy centerpieces off the tables and trying to bury his or her wet body in the sand clouded my mind. I made a point over the years, to not let those thoughts linger. What-ifs were pointless.

The Jack in Jack & Jill added a welcomed shower dynamic. The women were complacent to the same old shower traditions of oohing and aahing. But let’s be honest, a onesie was a onesie. And the guys called it like they saw it with plenty of alcohol to back their comments. At one point, Jackson had the room in tears when he heckled Dodd to try on one of those ruffled baby bloomers bedazzled in pink sequin letters, that read ‘spoil me.’ Dodd, who was pretty reserved and usually let Sierra steal the limelight, had his fair share of yummy champagne because he had no problem playing along. Of course Sierra, being Sierra, couldn’t let the opportunity pass. So while Dodd strutted his stuff, wearing a bedazzled baby bloomer over his shorts (how the hell it stretched, I’m still not sure), Sierra playfully got on her knees and lasciviously waved her finger and suggestively winked at her husband. Yes, her mother and grandmother were in the room, their faces blending into the crimson tablecloths. I almost peed my pants. Literally. Good thing I had Kegel power. Otherwise I would have looked like I broke my water. My crotchless panties would have held in nothing.

There were also a few touching moments as well. Jackson and the boys over-exaggerated their “ahhhs” just in time to keep the mood from getting too serious. Sierra teared up reading my card to my unborn honorary niece that accompanied a wardrobe of purple and red. I was over the pink the day after Sierra found out she was having a girl.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the room when Sierra’s mom toasted to her daughter in a beautifully written letter emphasizing that having a child defined her happiness and wished that for Sierra. Along with a trust covering college and grad school—just in case.

But my eyes were probably the only ones that welled when Chase pulled a gift out of thin air. I should have been surprised, since he only found out about the shower the prior morning. But then again—Chase was Chase. It wasn’t the gift that touched me, not that a year of unlimited spa services for a new mom was anything to poopoo. But it was the why. Chase made light of his generosity, toasting, “A happy mama makes a happy wife ... makes a happy husband.” Then he whispered in my ear, “A happy Sierra makes for a happy Blue. Things are probably going to change once the baby comes. Sierra’s probably not going to have as much time. I got you a matching package, so at least you can count on some quality girl time. A happy Blue makes a happy Chase.” His thoughtfulness leveled me.

After the baby shower, everyone disbanded to do their own thing for a few hours. Sierra needed a nap. Jackson and Leanne decided to squeeze in a seal watching tour. And Kate and the girls opted for shopping in Chatham, only after a twenty-minute heated phone conversation with CJ, who, from what I gathered, accused her of wanting to “play for the other team” since she was sharing a room with one of the other nurses from the hospital. Yeah ... he was a loose cannon looking for any reason to start drama. How she was so blind, was beyond me. I left it alone. It wasn’t the time or the place.

“Walk with me.” My fingers interlaced perfectly into Chase’s outstretched hand.

I’ll go anywhere with you. My words were silent, but my eyes screamed it.

“Where to, Dr. Generous?” I hoped he knew how moved I was by his olive branch to my best friend.

He lifted our joined hands to his mouth and brushed a soft kiss on the inside of my wrist. “I meant it. I want you and Sierra to have that time together. You need it. But right now, the last thing I’m feeling is generous. If you don’t mind, I’m done sharing you for now.”

“Then I’m all yours,” I whispered.

We took our time strolling down the beach, with our shoes in hand. Even though it was midday and the sun was strong, you could always count on the crisp breeze coming off the Sound. With our fingers entwined, we walked to the water’s edge and sat in the sand, a few feet from where the powdery beige sand turned soggy. Chase was made for the beach, especially dressed in khaki linen pants and a white linen button down. The entire female race would have appreciated if he replaced every article of clothing in his closet to sport his beach attire.

I chuckled, thinking of how every woman at the baby shower took turns ogling the man standing next to me. Hell, even Sierra’s grandma pulled me aside to tell me she finally figured out the expression: “He hurts my eyes, he’s so attractive.”

We squished our bare feet deep in the dark wet sand while we silently watched the paddle boarders in the distance. The beach was otherwise empty in the late afternoon. As happy as I was for Sierra and for Chase being with me, there was still a looming melancholy in the air.

“Tell me about the baby?” Chase asked. Before I concocted a bullshit response, Chase landed a blow on my heart. “Your baby.”

No one had ever really asked about my miscarriage. Ever. When I said no one, I meant my Dad or Sierra. They steered clear of any and all topics baby related, until Sierra’s pregnancy, of course.

“I wanted him or her,” I spoke the truth.

It felt good to finally say it out loud, to finally admit it. I stared at the rolling waves, my safe haven, and kept talking. “I know it sounds crazy, but I never lumped the rape and getting pregnant together. I never even struggled with the decision. I was keeping the pregnancy. It was my baby—conceived from a nightmare, but still my baby. I wasn’t going to hold the sins of a worthless man against an innocent child. That’s why I pressed charges, even though I knew I couldn’t win. But I needed to try. To do anything to make sure that bastard could never come near us, never have any claim to my baby.” I angled myself closer to him and watched the questions scroll across his eyes.

“I’m not judging. Fuck knows I’m in no place to judge anyone. But why did you wait to press charges? Why’d you think you would lose?”

“I’m a social worker, for god’s sake. I know how the system works. There was no physical evidence. I screwed up. I was in shock and humiliated. All I wanted to do was forget, block out the world. I showered for so long that night, the water was colder than this ocean.” I kicked at the wave rolling over my toes. “I knew better, but I did it anyway. I literally scrubbed the evidence away. On top of that, I stupidly forgot to lock the front door that night. No forced entry. It was my word against his. No witnesses. Everyone knew he was my ex, who I had willingly been intimate with for years. And after the little scene he made the night before in the bar, making it look like he broke up with me ... it would have taken a defense attorney all of two seconds to establish reasonable doubt. Hell, you were there. You saw the faces of those jurors in court that day. They all believed I cried rape.”

“I didn’t.” The words rolled off his tongue without hesitation, while his eyes told me he meant it. He believed me.

“When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I had to do the right thing. Not for me, but for my child. Even if the charges got dismissed, even if it made me look like the bitter knocked-up ex-girlfriend lashing out at the guy who dumped me. Even if he followed through with his threat to sue me for defamation of character. I needed the truth on record. My baby needed the truth on record. But when I miscarried ... everything changed. Everyone’s body language screamed you lucked out; you dodged a bullet. But it didn’t feel that way, not to me. When I got back from the hospital that night, fuck-face’s cousin showed up at my house and rudely reminded me how weak my case was, especially since fuck-face had a credible alibi—him. He promised to not sue for defamation if I dropped the charges. As much as I hated him, deep down I didn’t believe he would ever be a risk to another woman, and my own desire for justice was not worth bankrupting my father. My dad would have spent every last dime defending my honor if they wound up suing me. I would never do that to him. I dropped the charges the next day.”

“Fuck, Blue. It kills me to think of what you had to go through.” Chase softly held my cheek. I pressed my face harder against his palm in response.

“Thanks.” Thank you for looking at me like you are, right this second.

“I’ve always known you were strong. You’re pure steel, baby. I’m in awe of you.”

“I think ... I kind of like pure sweet better.” I quietly chuckled. Because this man did that for me.

We stared into each other’s eyes for at least a minute. A minute was amazingly long. Our connection had the fine hair on my arms standing. I knew he would gladly take on the burden of my memories if he could, adding to what he already carried on his broad shoulders. To give me peace. Because that’s what you did when you cared for someone. When you loved someone.

But those were not the words Chase spoke when his lips parted. Instead he said what I never had the courage to admit to anyone. Not even myself. “You loved your baby. Don’t be ashamed to admit it. You put your unborn child’s needs ahead of your own grief. That’s what a real mother does. You’re going to be a wonderful mama, Blue. You ... are amazing. You’re everything I’m-” Chase looked back down at the at the sand. He never finished that sentence, but my gut told me it was more about him than me.

His words repeatedly crashed over me, much like the waves now crashed closer to our bare feet. I’m gonna be a mama one day, I can only hope. The tide began to change.

I lifted Chase’s chin to look at me, like he had done to me a million times before.

“Thank you for saying that. Do you have any idea what your understanding means to me?” I used his words. “But there’s something you’re not telling me.” I paused. “Truth?”

Chase deserved to feel a little lighter. To drop some more of the weight. He’d just allowed me this; I wanted to do the same for him.

“Trust me, Chase. Please ... truth.”

“I don’t deserve your trust, Blue. I don’t deserve you.” His vulnerable words stunned me, but I was not letting him run away again ... not from this conversation ... not from me … not from us.

“Don’t you dare.” I used more of his words. They were my weapon until he saw the man I saw. “Stop putting me on a damn pedestal. I do trust you. I need you. Why can’t you see that?” I kicked the sand. I needed him to realize how much I trusted him. Why couldn’t he see it?

“Because I’m a selfish fuck-face, too.”

What? That was so far from the truth. I didn’t believe it for one second.

I grabbed his shoulder and turned him to face me. “No. You. Are. Not.” There wasn’t a question in my mind. Not possible.

“Stop, baby. Listen to me. No. I’d never rape a woman. Not like that sick fuck, but I’m far from a fucking saint. The night of the accident, when I was too busy getting laid, I was also too goddamn selfish to stop when I didn’t have a condom.” My stomach sank. “I convinced Talia it’d be okay, I’d take care of it, I’d pull out. Because a fucking horny drunk eighteen-year-old, who happened to get lucky a handful of times, had any control over shooting his load. I was such a selfish fuck.” Now he kicked the sand, disgust in his eyes. “Fuck. She was Kimi’s best friend—hell, she was one of my best friends. And you want to know how I took care of it? The man you trust? When she came bawling her eyes out to me a month later, scared shitless because she was pregnant ... how I took care of her? I tossed her a few hundred bucks and told her to get rid of it.”

My eyes widened and the sick feeling in my stomach began to rise. All I pictured was a scared shitless kid who just lost his sister and now had to deal with another sad mistake.

A mistake. Why couldn’t he see that?

“Hell, I even had the balls to be pissed at her. Told her I couldn’t believe she didn’t just handle it herself, that she had the fucking nerve to put this on my plate after everything my family was going through with Kimi. The girl was fucking terrified ... terrified, Blue. Damn, she lost her best friend too, and worse, fuck—she told me she was in love with me. Instead of stepping up and supporting her to make her own decision, I used her feelings for me. Told her if she really loved me, she would get an abortion and never bring it up again. Fuck.” He forcefully raked his hands through his unruly hair. “I didn’t even go with her. I never even saw her again after that conversation.” He pulled his knees up and tucked his head between his legs. I saw the weight on his shoulders. “I took her choice away. That makes me no better than selfish fuck-face.”

His guilt on so many levels all made sense. Even Asher’s response, after I went all filter-less and spewed about my unplanned pregnancy, made sense now. He told you? Our fucked up pasts shared so many commonalities, no wonder Chase feared our relationship. That we were unhealthy. I was the reminder of everyone he felt he failed all those years ago. Hell, he went as far as to parallel himself to a rapist. But he was the furthest thing from a selfish fuck-face. He was just a kid who had to live through some really shitty, sad and unfortunate events. And spent a lifetime beating himself up, literally, trying to make up for what was out of his control.

I straddled over Chase’s legs to face him. My hands rested on the sides of his abdomen. Over the characters that sent a chill down my spine. First do no harm. His reasoning replayed in my head—it’s a reminder.

“You are nothing like that bastard. Do you hear me? You are a lot of things ... generous and sweet, sexy and playful. You are intense and bossy, possessive and jealous, but you are not selfish. And you are not dangerous. You were a kid and really shitty things happened. None of which were your fault. And I’m sure, without a doubt, that Talia eventually realized how much pain you were in when you acted out. You were just as scared and lost as she was. And no matter how bad you feel about your behavior, it was still her choice. You didn’t take that away. You need to forgive yourself. Trust me ... if she loved you like she said she did—she forgave you years ago.” I should know, because I love you.

“It doesn’t matter if I spend the rest of my life making up for all of it, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m the reason my own sister and child are dead. I killed them.”

Chase opened his mouth to keep talking, but I’d heard enough. So I responded the only way I knew Chase would hear me. Even if I jumped up and down screaming it’s not your fault, words were futile. I leaned forward and showed him he was worthy of forgiveness and love. My love. My kiss was tender and long.

When I pulled away breathless, I still saw a hint of doubt behind those grey eyes.

“How can you look at me with those beautiful eyes, Blue, knowing what I’ve done? How can you block all of it and not see him when you look at me?”

“Because, I can.”

Something shifted in his eyes; I got through that tough exterior of muscle. He believed me. He trusted me. Since I had his words to thank for penetrating, I inched forward to seal the deal and kissed the tip of his nose.

I couldn’t deflate my swollen heart if I tried. Everything finally felt right. Felt peaceful. No more secrets, no more doubts. The cold saltwater lapped against our legs. Our bottoms were wet. The tide changed and it was perfect.

Chase’s smile reached his crystal greys. “Do you have any idea what you do to me?”

Oh here we go again.

I giggled. It felt good to giggle. My Dr. Playful was back. Hopefully for good. “No, why don’t you tell me? I thought I made it clear that I’m over the guessing game. It didn’t work so well for us, remember? I’m a much bigger fan of truth.” I playfully brushed my fingers through his hair.

Chase looked more serious, still relaxed, but intent. “I love you, Lili. That’s truth.”

Oh my god.

Was I really hearing the words I had hoped to hear for weeks now? Deep down I knew he loved me, his actions showed me, but I convinced myself the words wouldn’t make a difference.

They made a difference.

They made a huge freaking difference.

They made it real.

“Truth ... I love you too, Chase. I love all of you, even the parts you can’t seem to love about yourself.”

For once, if life threw in a pause during our moment I would have freaked. The man I loved was sitting on my favorite beach telling me he loved me. There was no way in hell this wasn’t playing out live.

22

Voice

“Sit down, baby.” I perched myself on the shower bench and leaned against the slick cold tile, closing my eyes. The warm spray pounded against my sore limbs. Between my insanely early morning run and standing on spike heels for four hours straight, I wanted to collapse. I took a large cleansing breath as the steam from the shower billowed between us. My eyes fluttered open to find Chase’s heavy-lidded gaze devouring my body. He languidly dragged his tongue along the seam of his lips before clamping down on his bottom lip. My nipples immediately tightened in response, shooting a deep ache straight between my legs. I, too, leisurely lowered my gaze to take in all of him. And there was a lot of it. It was evident exactly what I was doing to him and the lust in his eyes told me he knew exactly what he was doing to me.

“You are so freaking sexy,” I gasped.

“You ... you’re beautiful inside and out.” He knelt down in front of me and picked up one of my feet. The pad of his thumb circled over each of my toes before he made his way to the arch of my foot. I moaned in spite of myself. “You fucking kill me when you look at me with those sweet eyes.”

“Mmmm.” I floated in bliss as he treated the other foot with the same tenderness. All those years after the rape I drifted emotionless and colorless, accepting that as my new reality. Somehow this man crushed my wall, made me feel safe again, introduced me to honest intimacy ... and loved me. He loved me.

His gentle assault continued to my calves and then my thighs. It was heavenly.

“God Chase, that feels so good.”

“I going to make you feel even better … turn and kneel on the bench, baby.”

My body tightened for a split second, a split second too long for Chase not to notice.

“Blue, what is it? Talk to me.”

Shit, my insecurities were ruining the moment. Images of my face planted against my hard desk as fuck-face raped me from behind twisted my gut. I quickly stood and turned to face the tile wall, hoping a coy smile could mask my reaction. I refused to let that fucker invade our intimate moment.

“Talk to me, baby,” Chase whispered again, his warm chest now against my back.

“It’s him.”

Chase’s body tightened. “It’s him, what?” he growled, knowing as much as I did our moment was crashing. “That motherfucker took you from behind. Didn’t he? Son of a bitch.”

I jumped when he slammed his fist against the shower wall then buried his face in my neck.

“Chase, please. Don’t let him ruin this, please, this is ours. I want you ... I need this, please.” I couldn’t let that bastard win. He had no power over me. Not anymore.

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so fucking livid about what he did to you, but you’re right. No more, Blue.” His voice instantly softened. He slid his hands up across my stomach to cup my breasts, gently tugging on my hard buds. “I want to erase those memories. I want to be your only memory.” His mouth kissed and sucked at that spot between my neck and collarbone. My head fell to the side giving him better access. My temple rested against the cold tile, sending a shiver up my spine. He wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tightly. His wet tongue swept up my neck until it hovered over my ear. Then he began to hum. My breath caught. I was stunned into silence, listening and savoring every sweet note. I’d never heard him sing. The tension surrounding music in his life was because of his sister. A place he never visited. The part of his life he kept trapped deep beneath his beautiful, yet he was bringing me there. To that hole in his heart. I could tell he sensed my body relaxing again. “Get on your knees for me, only me. I would never ever hurt you, baby, you have to know that. I promise to take it slow, but we are going to do this. We’re going to wash it all away forever.”

I did as I was told without a bit of hesitation. I trusted him. I loved him.

“I love you so much,” he whispered, smiling against my cheek before he peppered me with sweet soft kisses. And then I heard his voice. Low, deep, and masculine.

My eyes welled. He was singing my favorite song. All those times he let me choose the music in the operating room, when he said he couldn’t care less, he listened. Took note.

I reached behind and touched what I wanted. What I needed. I brought him to my entrance, urging him on. I was so wet, so ready. He gently slid inside me, and I gasped at the pure tenderness. His soft breath continued to bathe the nape of my neck. He was intoxicating. Tears of pure joy poured down my cheeks as he pushed deep into me from behind, erasing every sour memory, making sweet love to me.

“I won’t give up on us.” His arrangement was the sweetest I’d ever heard.

His embrace tightened around my chest while he continued to sing. I couldn’t tell where my body ended and his began. The promise in his message was crystal clear. He was done running and willing to fight for me, for us.

“Lili, truth. We are worth it.”

He owned my heart and my soul. My climax built within minutes. His length grew harder as he rocked against me, filling me. I knew he was getting close and I wanted our release to be together. His voice was raspy and sexy as hell as he sung through his roaring orgasm. He shuddered once against me, causing me to join in our earth shattering union.

He slowly pulled out and nestled us onto the bench. “Look at me, Lili.”

My blissfully sated lids opened to his tender gaze.

“I love you so fucking much, you are my world.” He buried his face into my neck and clung to me. I was his lifeline as much as he was mine.

“About time you lovebirds left the room,” Sierra shouted from Dodd’s lap.

Chase laughed and I totally blushed, but was hopefully hidden by the night sky. We had spent most of the early evening reacquainting each other with every square inch of our bodies. We finally joined the rest of the gang on the beach for a late night bonfire. The only illumination coming off the dark ocean backdrop was the swirls of reds and oranges escaping from the crackling wood. The scene around me was pure contentment. My friends were laying on cozy blankets enjoying late night cocktails. Their soft voices, laced with laughter, were drowned out by the ocean waves crashing on the shore. This was peace. I was finally at peace. My body trembled slightly; maybe the breeze off the water gave me a chill.

“You chilly, baby? I’ll run to the room and grab another sweater,” Chase whispered as he pulled me tight to his side, running a hand up and down my arm.

“I’m fine.” Better than fine. More fine than I’ve been in three years. “Just really happy,” I whispered back.

“Me too, Blue. Me too.” His grin killed me.

“So he’s finally sharing you?” Sierra rolled her eyes in Chase’s direction. Her sarcasm was lost on no one.

“And so it starts,” I mumbled with apologetic eyes.

Sierra walked over and tugged on my hand, leading me back toward her spot in front of the fire. Chase didn’t let go of my other hand.

“Look at you two, it’s like you’re glued together.” She pouted her lips in the most unattractive way. I had to remember to tell her, she needed to rethink her grossed out face. For sure.

Dr. Possessive might have agreed to share for a few hours, but that didn’t stop him from staking his claim. He picked me up and tossed me over his shoulder.

“Chase,” I whined, giggling like crazy. If it were anyone else, I probably would have been seriously turned off by such caveman antics. But I wasn’t. It was Chase. My Chase. And I loved how much he needed to feel close to me.

“Oh fine, you can come too,” Sierra’s eye roll was a little warmer this time. Dr. Charming was working his magic.

“Thanks, but I’d like that invitation to extend to your spa day when you’re soaking in seaweed and wearing those fluffy robes.” Chase flashed that killer smile. Sierra didn’t have a chance.

It was Sierra’s turn to laugh. She turned to look at me as Chase was putting me down. “That’s it! I’m calling him Dr. P ... possessive and pushy.” Everyone including Chase erupted into laughter. My BFF was caving. I knew she would see past intense Chase and see the man I loved.

“Sorry, Chase, you’ll get used to her soon enough. Blunt and bossy are her middle names.”

“Whatever, Dodd,” Sierra huffed, waddling toward her seated husband. Yep, she was officially a waddler.

“What, hun? I love that about you, you’re always so matter of fact.” Dodd seductively ran his hands up Sierra’s side, pulling her down onto his lap and kissing her deeply. PDA was not lost on those two. “Lord help me, though, if our baby girl has half your sauce. I’m in trouble.”

“Get a room! Make a baby ... oh wait, you already did that,” Jack yelled from the other side of the bonfire as the catcalls filled the air. We all laughed again.

“See, Sier, you can dish it, but you can’t take it. Dodd’s gotta suck your face to keep you from pouting.”

Even though Sierra was funny, super sarcastic and hard as a rock on the outside, her heart was warm and fuzzy. And she was my rock through thick and thin. Always there to pick up my pieces, no matter day or night. I thought back to how many times over this month alone she saved my ass from falling over the edge into that deep dark hole.

“No, I just like when he sucks my face.” Typical Sierra.

I grinned. “You’re too much, Asspuck.”

Chase had joined Dodd on the blanket, falling back onto his elbows. His linen button down pulled across his chest just enough to see that tanned skin I craved. He was so sexy and all mine. I couldn’t help but smile. He totally caught me checking him out, then cradled me onto his lap and whispered in a low gravelly voice, “Dr. P can think of a couple other areas I would love to suck right now.”

Oh no he didn’t. God, I hoped it was just a whisper. I blushed bigtime.

23

Brushed nickel

Chase fished through his wallet before yanking out a white card. He swiped it over the keypad just outside the car window, allowing the gate to open and for us to pass. The large white sign read KimCore. So this was his company.

Our ride from Cape Cod was relatively quiet. For the most part we made idle chitchat while I focused on how Chase brought me to a place I never thought possible. A place of love and happiness. But I also knew Chase was seeking closure, and returning to Boston, where his sister died and was laid to rest, was weighing heavily on his shoulders. This visit was crucial to his healing process. And important for the health and progression of our relationship.

My phone chirped inside my bag, pulling me out of my head. From its muffled sound I assumed it was somewhere in the bottom of the endless pit. Chase smirked as I dug deeper.

“Blue, truth. That’s the worst fucking bag I’ve ever seen,” he teased while slowly driving through the parking lot.

“Hey. It was a gift and it’s designer.”

“It’s luggage. It’s got to go.”

I scrunched my nose in protest, which lasted all of two seconds. He shrugged his broad shoulders, looking adorable, as if to say—what, am I wrong? We both laughed, relieving the tension we refused to admit was building in the car once we hit Boston.

Chase parked the car. “Tell you what, after lunch, we’ll go shopping and replace your designer luggage with something that doesn’t weigh as much as you. Sound good?” His knuckles softly brushed across my cheek, reaching my lips, where I gladly returned the sentiment with a kiss.

“Sounds good,” I said, because it did.

It had nothing to do with a bag or shopping, it was the promise of later. Of us being an us. No more second-guessing. Chase expected me to object like I always did when he talked about buying me things, but his expression changed when he realized I wasn’t going to protest, at least not this time.

“So?” Chase nodded toward the phone I’d finally found. I had to admit he was right—the damn bag was annoying.

“Oh, it’s the buyer of the luggage. She just wanted to say thank you again. They’re on the train.”

“Do you think Sierra’s pissed you didn’t go home with her?” His tone implied the answer didn’t really matter. Dr. Possessive was back in full effect.

“No, she was fine with it. I think she’s warming up to you.” That was the truth. Sierra wasn’t surprised in the least when I told her this morning at breakfast that I wouldn’t be traveling back with her and Dodd.

“Warming. Really? That’s what you call it. Let’s make sure you pick her out a bag this afternoon too. That way we can try and expedite the thaw.” Chase winked, and I chuckled. He was freaking adorable when he wanted to be. “Come on, let’s go.”

I glanced around. The parking lot was dead. It was Sunday; I probably shouldn’t have been surprised. “Not a slave driver, huh?”

He smirked at my joke and made his way around the front of the car. “I wanted to give you the private tour.” Grabbing my ass, he dipped his head down and sucked on my bottom lip. “Hmm. So much for private,” he mumbled against my lips. Chase must have heard the car, because I sure as hell didn’t. The only thing I heard was my pulse jack-hammering in my throat like it was our first kiss. Please God, in the name of all things holy, don’t let that ever change.

Chase kissed my nose, and then we watched the black Porsche Cayenne pulling up alongside us. I really do love the kissing the tip of my nose thing too.

The dark tinted window slid down, revealing a snickering Asher. “Waiting for me, or was I interrupting?”

“Nice to see you too, asshole,” Chase huffed, removing his hand from my ass to give Ash one of those guy fist bumps through the window.

Asher hopped out of the car and kissed me on the check. “Gorgeous as always, Lili, great to see you smiling.”

I had to admit—Asher’s wink was sexy, but paled in comparison to Chase’s.

“C, always a dick, but I expect nothing less. Let’s get you two inside before you put on a show for our parking lot cameras. I’m sure the security guards wouldn’t mind though.” He laughed and shook his head. “Boss and his girl going at it.”

“Watch it, Ash, my knuckles are healed, but your cheek is looking pretty tempting.”

I knew Chase was teasing, but I winced, now knowing the reason for his battered hands.

“Enough, tough guys. Think I might get to see the inside of this place anytime soon? I’m expecting the deluxe tour.”

Chase possessively tucked me into his side. It was my turn to laugh. Like he had anything to worry about.

“So you two are staying with me tonight, right?”

“Yeah, if you don’t mind. Got a few things to take care of this afternoon, but thought we could all grab some dinner, hang out tonight.”

My heart sped up a little thinking about the heavy day in front of us.

“Of course I don’t mind. Sounds great. Must be nice, huh, being able to take off whenever you fucking feel like it? Slacker, I’ve got to try that.” He oozed sarcasm, jabbing Chase with his elbow.

“Yeah, I can see how rough you’ve got it, jackass.”

I failed to share in their humor; instead, I rolled my eyes remembering that I hadn’t actually taken tomorrow off. I wasn’t even part of that decision. Unbeknownst to me, Chase had called my supervisor and told her I wouldn’t be in. Although nothing—I mean absolutely nothing—would have stopped me from being here with Chase, I needed to make that call. Needless to say, explaining the concept of boundaries to Dr. P filled in the areas when we weren’t making idle chitchat on our ride from the Cape to Boston. As I should have predicted, Chase had zero patience for such a discussion and opted for distraction. Damn him. This topic would be revisited, whether Dr. Bossy liked it or not … and when his miracle fingers were out of reach and unable to dissolve my irritation in seconds flat.

“Cool. We should hang low and get some take-out.”

“Ash, that sounds great,” I said.

Hang low sounded perfect. I was totally exhausted. But all the reasons why I was so wiped trumped my fatigue. At three in the morning Chase had snuggled into my side, long after I lost count, and breathlessly whispered that I was his favorite reason to lose sleep. I had no argument. None. Zero. Who needed sleep? So totally overrated. I smiled to myself.

However, my smile faded when we walked through the sleek marble lobby—a modern masterpiece—and past a life-sized black and white portrait of Chase’s sister. No name on a sad brass plaque underneath, just a massive oak framed picture; an exquisite piece of art. It was Kimi. KimCore. Her long hair cascaded down her petite frame, and her eyes shined bright, even in the absence of color. I knew they were a beautiful shade of blue, from the photos I saw and from how Chase described her. But in this portrait, towering larger than life, her eyes sparkled a magnificent crystal grey. The color of rare sea glass. I was staring at Chase’s eyes. She looked like exactly what she was, a seventeen-year-old ready to take on the world. The scripted quote that trailed along the bottom read: A selfless life was dedicated toward creating a better life for others. The meaning of those simple words confirmed that Kimi’s life was not wasted. Because of Chase. His strength, his determination, his undying love for his sister saved and created better lives for an infinite number of people after her. Chase gave her a beautiful life.

Asher shuffled us toward the elevator. It was no surprise that we didn’t linger in the lobby. Instead, I witnessed Chase’s conflicting emotions as we moved through a series of long hallways. Happy to show me around, yet somber, his shoulders appeared heavier. He explained how and where the actual equipment was constructed. It was truly amazing, all of it. But thick melancholy loomed in the air. Asher seemed oblivious or was used to ignoring it. Probably the latter. He covered by talking non-stop about all of Chase’s accomplishments and the company’s performance. Asher was clearly proud of their success. I realized Chase never allowed himself to feel accomplished; his guilt and grief were always in the way. This place—his company—was an epiphany of pure greatness stemming from his worst nightmare. How did you recover from something like that? I squeezed his hand and softly smiled up at him. I hoped one day he could enjoy his success without the extra weight. But deep inside I wasn’t sure that would ever happen. We walked most of the way in silence, listening to Asher chatter. I never let go of his hand. He never let go of mine. We weren’t running anymore. This was us for the long haul.

“C, since we’re here. You mind running into the office real quick and signing the final copies of the paperwork for the real estate transaction in Wrangel?”

“Wrangel?” I questioned. Chase shot Asher lethal eye daggers. “What’s in Wrangel?”

No sooner had the words left my mouth, it freaking hit me—my conversation with my dad. Fuck-face’s family restaurant closed because the strip mall was bought and being renovated. It was way too coincidental. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to jump into his arms and thank him or be pissed. I stewed on my emotions several seconds too long.

He hugged me tight to his chest. Intensity brewed. “You think I’m going to let you in a less than three hundred mile radius of that selfish fuck? Don’t think that I haven’t mapped out how many miles it is from Philly to Wrangel. And when you want to visit your dad and Sharon, when you want to go home, now you can ... anytime you want, and I can breathe easy.”

I almost smiled. Almost.

Something surged inside me, wanting to bubble over. An emotion, a calm. I couldn’t describe it. I just knew I needed to remember this feeling.

“Thank you,” I whispered against his lips. From the bottom of my heart that you pieced back together. “I love you.” I really, really did.

“Well, thank fuck. I was sure my ass was fucking toast.” Asher dramatically wiped his brow, and I laughed at his theatrics. Not that he was too far off.

I turned back to face Chase. “I wish you had told me though.”

He paused for a second, choosing his words carefully. “And if I told you, what would you have said? Baby, you gave me a hard time over a pair of fucking shoes. You’re telling me you would have been fine with me buying half of Main Street? Come on, Blue, truth.”

Okay. Definitely not. He unexpectedly looked away, breaking our eye contact. He looked ... embarrassed.

“Besides, we weren’t really speaking at the time.”

Ouch. Even though we were so far beyond it, I didn’t want to rehash my heartache the weeks Chase turned his back on me when I needed him the most. The weeks he physically tortured himself drowning in his own darkness. I had been so wrong, about a lot of things.

“You’re right.” Truth. “Just promise me next time you feel like doing something crazy you talk to me first.”

“Crazy? Baby, you should thank Ash here for talking me off the ledge of crazy. Buying a fucking strip mall sure as shit wasn’t my first choice and isn’t even close to crazy enough in my book, but it gets the job done.” He was dead serious.

Asher seconded the notion with a mix of relief and you-don’t-want-to-know written all over his face. Yeah, I didn’t want to know.

“Okay.” That’s all I said. I would walk through fire for this man. How could I fault him for wanting to do the same for me?

He drew me into a deep, lengthy kiss, only to release me to murmur against my lips, “Love you, Blue.”

I was anything but pissed. I was grateful he had eliminated the only reason I hated my hometown in a blink of an eye. He kept his promise, that bastard was never going to hurt me again.

“Shit, I need to find myself a woman” was all we heard before we watched Asher striding down the hall. “Later! Meet you at my apartment,” he shouted over his shoulder. “Try to keep the porn to a minimum. Last thing I need is to clean up that mess all fucking week.” We both laughed out loud. “And sign the damn paperwork so I can stop chasing your ass down.”

“Wine, beer ... what can I get you, Lil?” Asher asked.

Asher’s high-rise penthouse apartment was in the center of Boston, showcasing panoramic views from each room. The modern simplicity of the designer space flowed seamlessly. Perfect for entertaining, of which I was sure Asher did his fair share. The black hardwood floor and streamlined furniture was sleek, yet inviting. The masculinity of the sparse dark accents and the enormous billiard table sitting under a modern chandelier, which I only assumed was supposed to be the dining room, screamed bachelor pad.

“Wine. Thanks, Ash.”

Asher left for the kitchen and I strolled up to the window to enjoy the city lights.

Chase snaked his arms around my waist and kissed my neck. “Whatcha thinking ’bout, beautiful?”

“Just how lucky I am.” On so many different levels. The most superficial was standing in yet another living room, enjoying the million dollar views of yet another spectacular city. And on the deepest level, how this man loved me so unconditionally.

“You know I love you more than anything, Blue.”

“I know.” Because I did. We had spent the afternoon wandering through the cobblestone alleys of Boston. Girl coffee in one hand; Chase’s warm fingers entwined with mine in the other. Life was nearly perfect. And several designer shops later, my niece-to-be as inspiration, I decided on an amazing Gucci soft stirrup pink tan python shoulder bag to replace my oversized luggage. And Chase insisted on a bag for Sierra. So I chose the dark pink nylon Guccissima diaper bag. Sierra was going to flip. And I was pretty sure the deep freeze would officially be over.

Asher came back and handed me a glass of red wine.

“Thanks, Ash, your view is fantastic.”

Asher opened the terrace door. “Thanks, come see the best part. It’s a gorgeous night.”

“You guys go. I’m gonna hop in the shower before dinner.” Chase kissed my cheek and walked toward the bedrooms, while Asher and I walked outside. It was warm, a little muggy and not much of a breeze. Typical for August.

“You like Boston?” I asked.

“Yeah, came here after college for law school, and you know...” He didn’t need to finish his sentence; I got it. That was only a year after Kimi died. Chase was in Boston and had two years of med school to finish. Alone. “Anyway, kind of got sucked in ... being a finance lawyer in a city like Boston is the place to be. Besides, gotta keep an eye on Chase’s investments, while, you know, he plays doctor and all.” We laughed..

“Seems like the company does well.” I sipped my pinot noir. Not that I cared if it filed chapter eleven. If Chase were bankrupt, I’d probably love him even more. No question.

“Yeah, well, your guy worked his fucking ass off to be where he is today. On top of being a world-class neurosurgeon, he redefines entrepreneur and real estate mogul without jack shit from his parents. Did you know he went to college and med school on a full academic scholarship? Fucking sick.” Ash swigged his beer.

“What do you mean? I just assumed he had some kind of trust or something.”

Asher lounged back in his teak chaise. “He did. From his grandparents. But couldn’t touch it until he turned twenty-one. Inherited Kim’s too, all of it. Donated her entire trust, every fucking penny, and then he spent most of his taking care of her after he moved her from that shithole. Twenty-four hour, state of the art care. Flew in every fucking specialist and expert. Sadly, pretty much too late by then, not sure it made a difference. She died shortly after. His parents fucking suck, never paid one goddamn doctor bill.” He sat up and straddled the lounge chair. “Thought it was a waste. Said she was practically dead anyway, why waste good money. Sweet, right? That’s how she wound up in Boston in the first place. That shithole took any charity case to get a fucking tax break.”

A vice strangled my gut. Chase said his parents left her to rot, but I thought they just never visited her.

Asher must have seen the horror on my face. There was no hiding it. “Yeah.” He shook his head, obviously agreeing with my all-time low opinion of Chase’s parents.

I wasn’t the biggest fan when I met them, now I pretty much hated them.

He took another swig, probably to soothe the burn. “You should have seen how pissed his parents were when Chase used the money he had left to finance his research. We’re talking epic meltdown. They’re so fucking greedy—they went off the rails. That was pretty much the final straw. Chase was done. Been done ever since. A few years after Kimi died and his company started to take off, it all came out ... his parents went under.”

“Went under?” His parents gave off the vibe that they were rolling in money.

“First they lost the Hamptons house, almost lost the Park Avenue penthouse too, a fucking Ponzi scheme.” He stood up and started pacing.

I had seen that testosterone time bomb before. No wonder Chase and Ash were so close. Asher looked angry.

“Your guy bailed them out, paid off the penthouse mortgage, gave Pete a job. Then basically told them to go fuck themselves. Now they live fucking scot-free in that mausoleum.”

Of course he had. As much as my guy thought he was selfish, he was the one who was selfless. My stomach sank, my appetite gone. I sat down on the loveseat and rested my heavy head against the back.

“Pete?” I asked.

“Yeah. He was the family driver for years, hell, when we were kids. Man, he took Kimi’s death worse than her own parents. When everything went down, Chase made sure Pete was set financially, but the guy refused, wouldn’t accept a dime he didn’t work for. Needless to say, twenty-five years from now your man will probably be driving Pete’s ass around, soothing his pride with some other made up job.” That explained a lot.

“See why he can’t stand visiting his parents, even on their birthday? Dickhead really only shows up when he has to, mostly to appease me, and in return, my parents. To this day, can’t understand why they’re friends. Whatever.” Asher finished his beer.

The French door creaked open before I said anything, not that I had anything to say right at that moment. Chase sauntered outside, wearing low-slung sweats and a fitted white tee. His hair was wet from his shower. He looked relaxed and beautiful. I made a conscious effort to table whatever I felt about what Asher shared. Chase deserved a carefree night with the two people who cared the most about him. And I was going to give it to him.

“Dick, why does my girl look like her puppy died? What else did you lay on the table for her in the five minutes I was gone?”

Shit. My poker face sucked. Again. The last thing I wanted was Chase to be upset with Asher. I sat forward to explain, but Chase beat me to it.

“Ash man, you’re like a schoolgirl. You can’t help yourself. Fucking diarrhea of the mouth.” Chase grinned, and relief washed over me. He gave us an out. Chase wasn’t stupid. So far from it—it was scary. Just like the day in his parents’ apartment, he knew he walked in on a conversation he’d rather not be part of, a conversation he probably wished never happened. But unlike that day in their study, there were no more secrets between us. Last time he feigned ignorance, this time he chose to lighten the mood. And I was grateful.

“Whatever, asshole. What are ya drinking?” Asher was unfazed by Chase. The way old friends should be.

“I’ll take a beer. And while your lazy ass is up, Blue could use a refill.”

Asher didn’t blink at Chase’s nickname for me. Hell, I didn’t blink anymore. I freaking loved it.

Chase sat right next to me, angling my legs over his thighs, forcing my body to relax against the couch armrest. He smelled clean, a mix of soap and deodorant. A mix of ocean and citrus. Delicious. My senses were spoiled. Never would I tire of his smell. Ever.

Chase’s magic fingers went to town massaging my bare feet. His warm touch relieved my tension—from witnessing his mixed emotions about visiting Boston, finding out he had parents that sucked in every way that counted—to learning that the man I loved chased fuck-face out of Wrangel to give me back my home. None of it mattered. Not right now, at least. Right now, we both needed a little normalcy.

Asher tossed Chase a beer and topped off my glass, before collapsing back onto his lounger. “What do you guys feel like eating, what should we order?”

“Sushi?”

“You and the fucking sushi, C. You ever eat anything else, man?” Asher’s expression was priceless. Effing priceless.

Maybe it was the foot massage, or the alcohol, or maybe the weeks of pent-up anxiety, who knew? But there was no holding back. None. I spit my wine halfway across the terrace laughing. I belly laughed so hard my cheeks burned.

Chase and Asher ping-ponged a who-brought-the-cool-kid look, making me laugh even harder. My sides stabbed. I had no clue the last time I laughed this hard, really laughed. How sad was that? Good thing I went to the bathroom when we first got back to the apartment, or instead of the inevitable two-drop dribble that always snuck out before you remembered to clamp your thighs together in the mother of all Kegels, I might have pissed my pants. Sandwiched between two of the most handsome men I’d ever met, the thought of peeing my pants made me roar. Talk about a tension release ... weeks in the making.

“You’re a hoot, Lil,” Asher chirped out, in between dragging on his beer and shaking his head in amusement.

“A hoot? You fucking pansy. You’ve been living in Boston way too long. Who says that? You should meet Lil’s friend. Don’t know what’s worse, turd or hoot. What do you think, baby?” Chase rubbed my leg and let out a deep chuckle. Yeah, he needed the release too. Damn, it felt good to laugh.

“You two are fucking straaange. I’m getting another beer, then I’m ordering Chinese!”

Asher left the terrace and stalked toward the kitchen, making Chase laugh harder. I freaking loved his laugh. I loved him. I loved this. Period.

I fingered the tears from under my eyes. Happy tears. Fun tears.

“You good, Blue?” He might have stopped laughing, but his eyes remained relaxed. Hopeful.

“Yeah ... I’m good.” We’re good.

Chase was quiet for a second, but not in a brooding or mysterious way. His fiery gaze locked on mine. I wasn’t sure what to expect. Part of me wished he would lean over already and kiss me so I could show him just how good we were. Scratch that, all of me…

“Truth, baby ... I fucking hate Chinese food.”

Yep. Definitely pissed my pants this time.

Two six packs, half a bottle of pinot noir and a shitload of Moo Shu chicken later, we finally said goodnight to Ash. The three of us had a really great night.

“This was really fun. Asher’s awesome. I’m glad you have him.” I stared at his reflection in the mirror while he brushed his teeth. Shirtless. Mmm. My hands magnetically found their way around his waist, appreciating every hard ‘pack’ of his eight, not six- pack, until they settled on my favorite spot. Those damn V’s that dipped below the waistband of his sweatpants were my undoing. Every time. Note to self, sweats freaking rocked. Gave those low-rise linen pants a run for their money.

He rinsed and spit, then wiped his chiseled jaw with the hand towel. The entire time his hooded stare never wavered, cranking my internal furnace up ten degrees. A pool of heat flooded between my legs.

His voice was low. “First, you’re right, tonight was awesome. We definitely needed it. Second, though, doesn’t matter that he’s my best friend and I trust him with your life. You’ve got to know, the next time you’re looking at me like that, eye fucking me, baby, and you mention another man, be ready not to sleep. It will take at least a few days of hearing you scream my name while I’m making you come, for me to get over it.”

Ever heard of catching flies? My mouth fell open wide enough to catch a swarm. Feminists around the world would have been stroking out right now. Full-out brain bleeds. Until I met Chase, the thought of anyone talking to me like that repulsed me. He used “eye fucking” in a sentence, for god’s sake, and I liked it. Freaking loved it. The thought of anyone but Chase ever talking dirty, hell, ever touching me, repulsed me now.

Truth ... I loved how dominant Chase was in the bedroom. I never felt safer than I did in his strong arms. He was the most generous lover. Bossy as all hell, but he made me feel cherished and respected. Ironically, trusting him enough to take the lead gave me back my control. I felt sexy and alive when we were together ... less damaged.

Now was no exception. I tried to stay focused on those sexy greys melting a hole in my core, but my eyes darted to the growing erection stretching against his sweats instead.

Chase turned around and tucked my hair behind my ear. He leaned against the vanity. “See something you want?”

“Um?” I sucked at dirty talk. Those delicious butterflies that start in your stomach and work their way down, way down, were fluttering in circles. My insides were humming. Just the sound of his voice was like a triple shot of espresso to my sex. The rhythmic throbbing gave my heartbeat a run for its money.

“Touch me, Blue. Take what you want, baby. Take what’s yours.”

Mine. All mine.

All coherent thought went out the window. Thinking, period went out the window. Chase looked at me like a starved lion looking for his next meal. He covered my hands with his and dipped them below his waistband. The heat pulsing from his groin only enticed me to explore further.

“Mmm” escaped from my lips. I slid his sweats down his thighs, freeing his thick erection. I was salivating. Now who was the animal?

He wrapped his fingers around his hard shaft and squeezed. My mouth went dry; any and all moisture drenched my thong. “My girl likes to watch?” He stroked his cock, with more force than I ever imagined using. It was the hottest moment. Ever.

“Take off your clothes baby. Naked, now.” Chase fisted his hard length. The arousal in his eyes stole my breath; my sex throbbed. Throbbed. Holy freaking spasms. I could have come from just watching.

Chase growled, “Now. Clothes off, Blue.”

My frenzied state must have caused a motor delay from my brain, because I was still dressed. When my paralysis finally subsided, I stripped in record time. My clothes fell to a heap on the bathroom floor allowing Chase to roam my flushed body. My nipples peaked. They could have cut glass. Literally. They screamed for his warm tongue. I was completely bare and aroused in the middle of a well-lit bathroom, gawking at my hotter-than-hell boyfriend masturbating. I should have been embarrassed. But it was the furthest thing from my mind. Turned on was the understatement-of-the-year.

Sustaining his hungry stare, he inched over to the shower. His free hand opened the glass door and turned it on. It was a mini palace, the size of a walk-in closet with three marble walls and four deluxe brushed nickel showerheads that cascaded steaming water. It sounded like rain, real rain, reminding me of the night we fought outside my apartment. The night that changed everything.

His left hand tested the water temperature; his right continued pumping. The throbbing in my core matched his quickening strokes.

“Get in, Blue. Show me.”

I stepped in, and the warm water stung my overly sensitive skin. Chase’s sweats joined my pile of clothes before he stepped in behind me. His tan skin instantly glistened from the hot steam and spray coming from every direction. Instead of closing the distance between us, he leaned his bare back against the tile wall furthest from where I stood, and removed the only handheld showerhead. With a roll of his thumb, he switched the spray setting from a nebulizing rain mist to the massage setting.

“Show me.” He handed me the pulsating showerhead.

Oh.

No.

He didn’t expect...

He didn’t want me to...

Rewind. I took the I-wasn’t-embarrassed thought back. Holy mortified. Chase saw it. He had to. Hell, he wasn’t legally blind. And we were talking head to toe rosacea of mortification.

“Baby, look at me. Don’t you fucking dare be embarrassed. Not with me. Not ever. You are so sexy. It’s just us. It’s always gonna be just us. Now show me.” His voice was deep and demanding. And damn, he continued to stroke himself at a relentless pace.

I swallowed hard against the constricting lump in my throat. Who was I kidding? This man could get me to do anything. For him. For us. Every sexual encounter that Chase dominated was always about us. And about my pleasure, above all else.

My breath was so rapid from the combination of arousal and embarrassment. I bordered on hyperventilation. My shaky hand took the brushed nickel nozzle. I leaned back against the opposite cold tile wall, welcoming the support, and mirrored Chase’s stance. We had a perfect view of each other. The other showerheads poured down gentle rain, perfectly angled away from our faces. Our gazes were locked.

With one hand I reached down between my legs, baring everything to him. As if I hadn’t already. He released the sexiest sound from somewhere deep in his throat. “Fuck, baby.”

He tightened the grip around his shaft and fisted faster. He was close. The thick veins bulged through his taut skin. I’d never seen him this hard. I loved the effect I had on him. I was his undoing. The same effect he had on me.

With the most intense ache ever, my core begged for release. The second the pulsing stream touched my core I was undoubtedly going to explode. I was on the brink and hadn’t even been touched.

Rewind. Again. This, right now, is the hottest moment. Ever.

“Now.” Chase’s breathing was as erratic as my own. I lowered the nozzle and aimed at my sex. The first jet pulse sent my head flying back against the shower wall. The sensation almost too much. Too good. Almost. “Eyes, Blue. Look at me!” His voice was strong and commanding, yet I knew he needed my eyes as much as I needed his.

It took every ounce of strength to pull my head up and open my clenched lids. But I did. His gaze was my undoing, filled with lust. With love. The burning need was all consuming. I bucked against the pulsed water stream. Faster. Harder. The fire burned its way from my feet to my core, until I exploded. My entire body shook in wild abandon. I moaned in ecstasy.

I watched Chase pump one last time, his bicep flexed so hard from the sheer force of his grip, and then I heard that sexy growl again. He erupted. The moment was so unbelievably raw. I lost it, screaming his name, riding the most intense wave of beautiful pain as every primal muscle in my body contracted. I stood corrected for the last time. Hottest. Fucking. Moment. Ever.

Chase closed the space between us, dropped the shower handle from my hand, bathing our feet in a stream of hot massaging water. He pressed his forehead against mine.

“That was beyond fucking hot, baby.”

Ya think? I wanted to say, but I was still coming down, and speaking wasn’t yet an option. We stood there, like that, while I recovered. Chase brushed soft wet kisses on my nose and eyelids and cheeks. Mmm...

I finally got it together, smiled and said the first thing that came to mind. “Thought you didn’t share?”

“First and last time, baby.”

“Hmm, what happened to it being beyond hot?” I quietly teased.

“Too fucking hot. I almost ripped my dick off. So if you ever want to have sex again, or kids one day, I suggest you commit this experience to memory, because it’s sure as fuck burned into mine, and embrace the idea of baths. This, baby,” he gently cupped between my legs, “is mine and I’m definitely not sharing.” He kissed my lips; stealing whatever smartass response I might have come up with.

Kids one day ... mine. Was I dreaming?

His kiss was the exact opposite of what just transpired between us. Soft. Slow. Sweet. I loved how we went from raw and explosive one minute, to tender and loving the next. It was us. Our story. It was perfect.

With water still teeming down, Chase’s hand caressed its way back up my body and covered the top of my left breast. Barely breaking our kiss, he repeated himself. “Mine.” Although barely audible, I knew exactly what he meant. Because I felt the same way. My heart was his. Always. Forever.

“Yours,” I mumbled sleepily back. “All yours.”

24

Leveled

A smile stretched across my cheeks. The warmth of the August sun shone through the wall of windows, bathing my face. I kept my eyes closed for a couple minutes longer, savoring the moment. I was blissfully happy. Falling asleep tangled in the arms of the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with was nothing but pure sweet. I dragged my arms out from under my pillow and reached for Chase. Cold sheets. Why wasn’t I surprised? I wished he would keep his antsy ass in bed in the morning. I forced my naked body from the sheets and dressed in my standard morning attire, loose cotton shorts and a tank—and a bra. I was certain that me half naked in front of Asher classified as sharing. And sharing was over. No complaints here. I finished my business in the bathroom, popped in my contacts and went in search of my man. I rounded the corner to the smell of coffee and Asher at the breakfast island dressed for the day in his staple tailored grey suit and green tie, flipping through the morning paper.

“Morning. Sleep well, Ash?”

His eyes flipped up at the sound of my voice.

“Didn’t hear ya come in. Yeah, slept great, you?”

Umm. Coma, after the sexcapades Chase and I shared in your bathroom, then your guest room. Not exactly an appropriate answer, so I went with, “Yeah, great.” Looking around, I asked, “Where’s Chase?”

“He had an early morning meeting. Said he’d be back by ten or so to pick you up.”

“Oh, okay.” I was a little disappointed, knowing the trying day ahead of us. I wanted some early morning down time with him.

“Want some coffee?” Asher stood.

“Love some, but sit. I can help myself. I’m not much of a morning person, only thing that wakes me up.” I grabbed a mug off the counter and poured myself some piping hot brew. “Mmm.”

He chuckled.

“Lili?” Asher’s green eyes morphed into something more serious. Seemed like he wanted to talk about more than my caffeine addiction. “You know you’re good for him, right? I’ve never seen him so happy. He’s … well, he’s Chase again.” I was taken aback with Asher’s raw emotion. “Thanks, Lili. I thought my best friend was gone forever.”

“I don’t know what to say.” I paused and swallowed past my clogged throat. “Don’t thank me. He does the same for me—we’re good for each other. And I love him.” Like no one else in my life. Forever.

Asher graciously looked away to give me a moment to pull myself together.

“Good. Well, now I’ve got to get my lazy ass into the office. I probably won’t see you before you go. Have a safe trip back.” Asher dropped his coffee mug off in the sink, stuffed his paper into his briefcase and kissed me on the cheek. “I’ll catch up with you guys in a couple weeks.”

“Thanks, Ash. For everything, you know ... standing by him, through everything.”

“Wouldn’t have done it any other way.” He winked in my direction and shut the door behind him.

I plopped down on his oversized leather chair and took a deep, soothing breath. “We just need to get through this day,” I mumbled to myself. I finished my coffee and decided on a quick run. I scribbled a quick note to Chase in case he came back early and then headed for the streets of Boston. Alone with my thoughts and my iPod.

Forty minutes later and completely sweat-drenched, I stumbled back into Asher’s apartment. It was cool and quiet. I tossed my note in the garbage and grabbed water from the fridge. I stopped to admire some of Asher’s mementos in the family room. There were a few unique relics displayed. Random stuff, only a single guy would ever buy. Looked like he had the travel bug. How was it that Ash was still single? He was awesome. Any girl would be lucky to land his affection. Before my matchmaking mind got ahead of itself, a small cluster of personal photos caught my eye.

A simple dark wooden frame of a teenage Chase, Asher, Kim and a fourth stood out. Chase’s guitar was slung over one shoulder and his other arm draped around a mystery blonde. Yet it was no mystery, it was Talia. Had to be. Chase was right. She didn’t look anything like his sister but was stunning in her own way. They were all flushed and sweating, probably from just finishing a gig. They were laughing, not posing and not even looking at the camera. Asher twirled a drumstick and Kim looked down at her guitar. They looked carefree. They looked invincible.

This was a glimpse of their world. And in a blink of an eye it all changed. The only world they knew came crashing down. Never to be the same. I sunk into the sofa and sipped my water. God, why does that happen?

The annoying chime of my phone interrupted my thoughts. I sluggishly stood and walked back to the bedroom to grab it from the charger. I scrolled through my texts. Dad, Sierra, typical. And Kate.

Hey. Guessing ur with Chase :)

Does he hv his phone on?

Scheduling trying to get in touch with him-

Going straight to voicemail.

Weird?!

I’ll tell him to call when I see him.

Everything ok?

It was kind of weird, Chase always had his phone on twenty-four, seven, just in case the hospital needed to get in touch with him.

Not a big deal - think they need to confirm case times.

Having fun?

Jealous - wish CJ would steal me away for a day :(

CJ not planning a spontaneous getaway was the least of Kate’s relationship problems. He needed basic manners 101 before anything else. I adored Kate too much to point that out via text, but it was a conversation we needed to have.

His loss.

Thx :( Safe trip home.

Btw - Guy’s been looking for you all morning.

Shit. Not that I forgot or maybe I was subconsciously hoping it never happened, but we never really addressed the kiss. I pushed Guy away and left him with a thought we were just friends. Holy awkward. I dreaded that conversation tomorrow. Chase and I hadn’t even discussed it yet. Not that I was looking forward to that conversation either. Luckily, the packed dance floor and my oblivious co-workers missed it, or so I hoped. Except Chase, of course. Ugh. All of a sudden my morning coffee was burning my stomach.

Thx.

Did he say why?

No. Just kept asking why you were out today?

Seemed concerned.

Does he know about Chase?

Good question. I wasn’t sure. Although with Leanne back at work for at least two hours, I was confident the grapevine was flowing with details from the weekend. The girl couldn’t help herself. It was like she had a gossip disease. If Guy was still in the dark, he’d be informed by noon. Fabulous. The rumble below continued to fester.

Why would he care?

We’re friends.

Probably just needs help w paperwork.

Friends?

Right - u keep telling yourself that.

Better yet, maybe u should tell Guy that.

Ur crazy!

Sound like Leanne now-

Turd :)

Lol!

Safe trip home!

I really liked Guy. A lot. He was a great friend, who just so happened to be extraordinarily good-looking and a little flirtatious. Okay. Maybe a lot flirtatious. Somehow my gut told me Chase saw it differently, not that he had anything to worry about. Ever. I had to convince Dr. Jealous. Good luck with that one, Lil, never gonna happen. Yep, still talked to myself. Charming.

I peeled off my running clothes and stepped into Asher’s amazing four-spray shower, vividly remembering every detail of last night. Chase could rest assured; it was burned into my memory as well. And turned out, I didn’t want to share either.

I steamed and scrubbed and shaved my legs before getting out and dressing in a pale pink sundress. I blew out my hair and applied my staple mascara and lip gloss. Then I extracted the necessary items from my luggage and switched over to my new purse while I waited for Chase.

“I had the hellhole leveled,” Chase said out of nowhere, talking over the music playing in the car. Thankfully music no longer seemed to trigger Dr. Intensity. If anything, Chase had pretty strong opinions about the style of music we listened to. I put up a half-hearted fight before I always caved and agreed to his choice, selfishly hoping he might relax enough to sing along. His version of my now all time favorite song played on repeat in my head whenever I was alone. Sorry, Jason Mraz. He didn’t hold a candle to the love of my life’s tender shower serenade.

Chase’s voice was muffled by the wind blowing in my ear, so I turned down the volume and rolled up my window. “What did you say?”

“I had the hellhole that Kimi was in leveled. Completely destroyed, nothing but a pile of dust when the bulldozers were finished. After what she went through, how she suffered, I couldn’t physically, with any sense of conscience, let one more life come through those doors ... so I fucking leveled it.” Oh my god. Not what I expected him to say. We hadn’t talked about where in Boston Kim was laid to rest.

“As in renovated and rebuilt?” I was a tiny bit confused. Even though I heard him loud and clear.

“No, baby, as in now it’s nothing but green grass and park benches. My parents wanted to bury her in New York. They suddenly had an opinion, three goddamn years too late. Convenient, but I told them to go fuck themselves. They left her to rot in hell; they got no say. Especially since they were up shit’s creek without a paddle and I was sitting on two inheritances.”

My eyes instinctively widened and I pursed my lips tightly together. I didn’t blame him, his parents sucked. Even at her death, it was all about the money. My heart ached for him, what he endured when he was still just a kid, and alone.

“They just wanted the whole damn show. The funeral, the headstone, the grief stricken parents. No fucking chance, there was no way I was going to let Kimi’s death be about them and their drama. She would have hated that shit. I had her cremated, then Ash and I spread her ashes in the ocean ... Cape Cod.”

The significance of that last part of what he said was not lost on me. Not by a long shot. And the look on his face told me it was not lost on him either.

“I had a flower garden with a memorial fountain designed for the park. Two of the three things she loved. Flowers and the water. The other was her guitar. I was close to having music piped through the entire park as well.”

For the first time I pictured Chase and Kim strumming on their guitars, singing their hearts out, without a worry in the world. I couldn’t blame him for shutting music out of his life. It hurt too much.

“You know, if she wasn’t rocking out on her guitar with me, she was in the garden planting or pruning shit on a Saturday morning. If she wasn’t doing either one of those, she was on her way to the beach. And she wasn’t one to sit around sunbathing in her bikini all day. She loved the water. Body surf, paddleboard, water ski—she was a fish, even when we were really little. Just loved to be in the water.”

I leaned over the console and ran my hand along the nape of his neck. I could have bounced a penny off his rigid shoulders. Talking about Kimi was disquieting.

“I love hearing you talk about your sister. She was such an important part of your life. I want to hear these memories, all of them. She played a huge role in forming the man I love. I want to know everything. The good and the bad.” I squeezed his shoulders repeatedly, hoping for some release and steadied my voice. “You need to know I love you for who you are today. She made you this man.” I quickly swatted at a lone tear that snaked across my nose, hopefully hidden under my sunglasses. I needed to stay strong.

He released his hand from the steering wheel and caressed my inner thigh. The intimate gesture was his unspoken words. The emotion he kept pent up for so many years was finally surfacing. I knew he never thought about himself the way that I did. Selfless. Generous. Compassionate. Hell, the list could go on all day.

He spoke not another word while parking the car. He continued to use only his soft touch and gentle lips to speak to me. As much as I feared the retreat into his head, I left him alone to his thoughts. He was not retreating from me. I hoped I was his solace. We passed under an arched wrought iron pergola veiled in variegated ivies, climbing roses and wisteria. The floral combination was breathtaking. This led us to a maze of stone pathways flanked by a sea of perfectly manicured green grass, dark green hedges and pristine flower gardens. Stone park benches were interspersed across the landscape.

“Let’s sit,” I whispered. The natural beauty of the scene and its emotional meaning was completely overwhelming. This park was created in memory of Kimi.

“Not yet,” he mouthed, pulling me close. Chest to chest, I heard the erratic beat of his heart and his labored breath. He struggled for any ounce of control exposing his vulnerability. The heartache in his gaze was desperate; he was crumbling.

“You are strong enough, Chase.” I lifted my sunglasses, exposing my eyes. He needed our connection, our calm. “If I could give you just one thing in this moment it would be to see yourself through my eyes. To see just how strong you are. How special you are. How you’ve taken the most horrendous tragedy and created nothing but pure sweet.” The tears he tried so hard to control spilled over. I gently ran my finger along the edge of his jaw, wiping them away. “Oh Chase, she loves you, she’s not mad at you, she never was. She would have never wanted you to live your life with this bottled-up guilt. Let it go—for her, for you, for us.”

It was as if I told him it was okay. Okay to finally let it out. The tears that streamed from his eyes were not angry or guilty; they were tears of relief and forgiveness.

I enclosed my arms around his waist and hung on as his body trembled. I squeezed tighter. He rested his forehead against the top of my head. I listened to his heart hammer against his chest. His warm tears slid down my cheek, mixing with my own. We stood in silence for a long time, until our breathing regulated and our hearts slowed before he finally released me. He raised my chin so our lips could meet.

He choked on a whisper. “I love you is not enough, Blue. Thank you, baby.”

I ran my hand across his cheeks and he did the same for me. He tucked me into his side, where I fit perfectly. This space was made for me. This was my safe place.

“There’s something else I want you to see,” he uttered against my temple.

We continued down the stony path and the distant sound of running water became closer. The pathway bordered by green hedges opened into a serene sanctuary. I had an instantaneous calm overwhelm my mind. Chase clutched me closer and sucked in a single sharp breath. My eyes welled with tears, understanding how difficult it was for him to seek this closure. I dragged a finger under my wet eyes and absorbed the entire expanse. A tall, modern copper wall was flanked by stacked natural stone shorter walls. A single, smooth curtain waterfall plunged from a horizontal opening at the top of the wall. The waterfall cascaded into a shallow rectangular pool where three simple elevated square copper tiles acted as stepping stones. The water feature was peaceful and perfect.

Chase led me across the water to a single stone bench that was angled to capture the entire oasis. A simple In loving memory inscription was engraved into the stone seat. We stood in silence staring at the bench. Under her name was the proof of how truly short her life was cut. Her birthday was February 7th. And of course that meant Chase’s birthday was February 7th. I realized we had never talked about our birthdays. And the date of her death just in July. July 10th.

The memories of that day in July came flooding back to me. The bloodbath in the operating room, the kiss and the one-sided phone call I listened to. He was talking about his sister that day. The call was from his father. The she was his mother.

Chase released me and walked to the edge of the pool. “I’ve only come here once. I came when they finished construction, because I had to. The designer insisted I was present for the final walk through. I never came back. She would have liked it here. It’s peaceful.” His solemn voice was barely heard over the waterfall. His eyes were fixed on the crashing water. My heart was breaking all over again. Just another reason why he felt guilty. His shoulders slumped forward and he let go of the breath he was holding. He sighed. Was the remaining weight lifted?

“It’s perfect, Chase.” I placed my hand in his. He looked down at our connection and led us back to the bench. We both sat while life paused. Chase closed his eyes. I only imagined what was going on in his mind because he spoke not another word. Maybe he was saying goodbye or I loved having you as my sister or you were my best friend, or thank you for being you. I wished that someday he would share his unspoken words. But for now I took solace in the fact that he brought me to the place he had never been able to come.

I angled my body to face him on the small bench and gripped his hand tighter. “Chase, you never need to be okay with Kimi’s death. Her precious life was cut insanely short and that was not okay. But you need to accept her death without anger and guilt. It was not your fault she died. Ever. Tragedy happens every day and it’s no one’s fault. It’s just life. She would want you to be happy and to love yours. You have an amazing life. You aren’t betraying her. She will always have that place in your heart.” I ran my free hand along his cheek, wiping away several more tears. “I love you so much, Chase, so much.”

He focused on me. “Thank you, baby … for helping me find my way.” He found my lips and kissed me tenderly. I craved his touch. Selfishly craved my safe place. “Let’s go home.”

“Mmm.” I buried my head against his shoulder and hugged him tightly. That sounded amazing. Home with Chase could have been in outer space or behind a garbage can. It didn’t matter. He was my home.

25

We're good

“Oh god, I missed this.” I peeled my cheek from the super soft pillow and cracked my eyes open.

Chase slid glasses on my face and a steaming hot latte in my hand. “Girl coffee, beautiful.” Holy hell, his smile freaking killed me. Even at this ungodly hour.

“Mmm. You’re my lifesaver. Personal delivery, too, I’m a lucky girl.” Pretty sure I purred. I sat halfway up against the oversized leather headboard. It took all of three seconds for my body to remind me it was still pissed with me for last night. Deservingly so. What about two bottles of red and three rounds of begging for more and harder was a good idea on a work night? My head throbbed.

His smile turned wickedly sexy. “Damn straight, baby. Did someone have a rough night?”

“Ummm, ya think?” After the day we had yesterday, it was pretty easy to lose ourselves to each other into the wee hours of the morning, even though I knew the stiff price I was going to pay today. So totally worth it. If it kept his smile and those glistening eyes, I would have suffered through sleep deprivation and a killer hangover any day of the week. Hands down. No question.

“We’ll have a quiet night tonight, promise. Make up for lost sleep.”

Over my dead body. I half smiled and sipped my girl coffee. Oh yum. And not just the coffee. A quiet night together sounded ... perfect.

“I have a crazy day in the OR, but we can sleep at your apartment tonight. Sound good, baby?”

What part of that didn’t sound good? My smile got bigger.

“Fuck, Blue, whatcha smiling at?”

“You want to sleep with me again?”

“Ya think?” I loved that he repeated my words, but his eyes were the furthest thing from joking. “You are it for me. I want you in my bed. Tonight. Tomorrow … every night ... forever.” He brushed his lips against mine and my butterflies fluttered. Hell, my heart fluttered.

“Um wow. I like that truth.” There wasn’t a scene in any romantic movie or book that held a candle to this moment.

“Truth. You want the honest truth? I love you, Blue, more than anything.”

This man had the ability to stop my heart with just a look. I love you wasn’t even close to covering what I felt. Not by a long shot. Truth.

Chase ran a hand down my hair and stood from the edge of the bed. He was already dressed for the OR in his scrubs, looking ... amazing. The beat beneath my chest started again and my mouth watered, as I not so subtly roamed his body with my hungry eyes. All I wanted was to feel his body against mine, get lost in where I ended and he began. It was all I’d ever want. Forever. I finally got what he meant every time he said mine. He was mine.

“See something you like?” He smirked.

“Mm-hmm.”

“Baby, if you don’t stop looking at me like that I’m never gonna get out of here.”

“Truth. Sounds perfect to me.” Now I smirked.

“Ahh fuck, you’re killing me. You know scrubs don’t hide a hard-on very well.”

I laughed. He had a point there.

Leaning down, he kissed my nose. “Text you in a bit, see how your day is going…”

“K.”

So was this my life? I sunk back into the fluffy pillows and sighed. I wanted this to be my morning every morning.

With each click of my heels against the hospital floor I thought of all the work I had waiting for me after missing yesterday. Even a mound of insurance paperwork couldn’t dampen my good mood.

Rounding the corner to the pediatric nurses’ station, a familiar face made my smile grow.

“Hey, you!” Sam looked up from his tablet. “Whatcha doing up on peds? Hanging with the kiddos getting ready for your babe?” I smiled. Sam was gonna be a great dad.

“Hey Lil, yeah, I wish, but no. Unfortunately we have a kid with a head trauma.” My stomach plummeted. Kimi’s gorgeous face flashed before my eyes. “Twelve-year-old boy, bike accident, no helmet.” We both shook our heads. Really, no helmet. “Poor kid came in over the weekend. Luckily didn’t need surgery, but ER attending hooked him up to the KimCore unit. Not sure if Colton even knows yet.” Sam frowned. “He wants us rounding on everyone on the unit.”

“Oh, right.”

Two months into his internship Sam had already lost that nervous hesitance that new doctors had when talking about patients. He sounded like an old pro, casual and confident passing on routine information to a colleague. But it was anything but mundane to me. I immediately felt a personal connection to the little boy and completely understood why Chase was so adamant his team follow and take care of every patient on his unit. His medical device was what saved brains, and in return, kept Kimi’s memory alive.

Sam probably saw the melancholy squeezing me. “Don’t worry, Lil.” If only Sam knew what was actually squeezing me. My gut. My heart. From here on out every time I heard about a patient with a traumatic brain injury I was going to relive the nightmare all over again. I finally understood Chase’s daily struggle. “Looks like the kid’s gonna do fine. Was probably a soft call to hook him up to begin with. They’re way more aggressive with the kids, trying to prevent any long-term brain damage if they can. He’s already rewarming. Plan is to pull the tubing today.” Sam was rambling as my mind was wandering, but the word tubing caught me by surprise.

“Tubing?” He was getting a little too technical for me. I was lucky I got the concept of hypothermia at all. At least I thought I got it. Cool the body temperature down for a day or two, help reduce brain swelling and hopefully wind up with less damage in the end. Then slowly rewarm the patient for another day or so to avoid the bad stuff that could happen if you didn’t. That was the extent of my understanding, which was fine with me. But after my personal guided tour this weekend, I’m not sure Dr. Brillant would have been impressed with my layperson’s synopsis.

Already bitten by the teaching bug, Sam explained anyway. “It’s actually a catheter, like a huge IV, attached to tubing—that’s why we call it that. Goes in a large vein in the groin. When we pull it out it can bleed like a bitch, so we basically have to stand there and hold pressure for half an hour. They make a sandbag contraption that can hold pressure for you, some of the other attendings use it, but it’s not good enough for Colton.”

“Oh, okay.” That was a lot of information that I probably could have done without. Catheter in the groin, lots of bleeding. Yeah, probably didn’t need that visual so early in the morning. “Well I’m glad the kid is doing well, glad the tubing is coming out. I’ll have to stop in and visit him later.”

“I’m gonna head in now and see him, if you wanna come.” Sam started down the hall.

“Um no, I’m good, you go. I’m going to find the peds’ residents and run the list. I’ll check in on him later.” I was not ready to go into that room. I needed a minute, a pause to pull myself together.

“Okay, see ya later, Lil,” Sam responded, sensing my hesitation.

My great mood unfortunately dampened. I didn’t want it to, but I couldn’t help it. After meeting with my peds’ team—all of whom were pretty cool, thankfully—I retreated to my office for some quiet alone time with my heap of paperwork. But I got nothing done because I was too distracted. I couldn’t get the kid up on seven off my mind, wondering if Chase heard about him and if it was affecting him the way it affected me. Shit. And these weren’t even my demons to fear. How was it possible to deal with it daily? Choosing a career in a field of medicine that had the power to trigger his worst memories on a daily basis just proved how completely selfless he truly was. I loved him more for it, but it didn’t stop me from worrying about him. It had to be pure torture some days. Even though he had made such big strides this weekend, I feared he could fall back into his black hole of grief and guilt. It was so easy to slip, too easy.

By noon, I needed a little fresh air and made a pit stop at my favorite food cart. I opted for decaf tea over any more coffee and a scone from Jorge then picked a bench by the river. My phone chimed.

Hope you’re having a better day than me.

Xo

Not exactly what I wanted to hear. I hoped he was talking about being swamped.

Crazy busy too.

Miss you, xoxo

“Lili, you’re back?” My back stiffened at the sound of my name.

“Hey, Guy.” Time was up.

“Colton’s slammed, first minute I’ve had all day. Needed a little fresh air before I lost it up there.”

“Yeah, it’s beautiful out here, nice breeze coming off the water.” Oh crap, I resorted to talking about the weather. Shit. Shit. Shit. What was my alternative? That stinks how crazy busy you are, must be because your boss took yesterday off to pour his heart out and spend time with his girlfriend—did I mention that’s me?

“Yeah, end of August usually sucks. It’s like a wet towel slapping your face.”

Oh this was so not going well. He totally engaged in my weather bullshit. I glanced down at my chiming phone.

How about you show me how much.

Where r u?

Of course Chase had a minute now. It was obvious they were in between cases, hence Guy standing in front of me. But I owed Guy a little time without interruption. Hell, I owed him some sort of explanation. Not only had I left him on the dance floor and run off, I ignored half a dozen texts asking to talk all weekend. Our friendship was important to me. Chase needed to wait.

Can’t right now :(

Xo

There was a fifty-fifty chance Dr. P would accept that response kindly, even with the xo, but I pushed send anyway and shoved my phone in my bag. Guy focused on the river; the air between us more awkward than ever.

“Sit.” I patted the open seat on the bench next to me. We were both acting so weird. I hated every second of it. “Um,” I stuttered, not knowing how to even start or what to say. I just wanted to make it right again.

He rested his arm along the back of the bench and faced me. “I’m sorry, doll,” he blurted before I could formulate a thought. “You know about the other night, about kissing you. I just thought, um, well I guess I had the wrong idea. I just thought we were on the same page. I guess I misread you. We just have so much fun together...” His gaze drifted back out at the water, avoiding eye contact. I fiddled with my nails.

“We do, Guy. I’m the one who needs to apologize. I never meant for you to think of our relationship as anything more than friends...”

If I was being honest with myself, there were a dozen times over the past few years I contemplated a relationship with Guy, thought of us as more than friends. But none of that mattered now. Because as amazing as Guy was, the truth was I was lucky to maintain a friendship. I was preoccupied with sleep-running through life. But that had all changed. Chase changed that. I wished I could explain that to my friend sitting in front of me. He deserved that and so much more.

“I really love you as my friend. Does that sound stupid? I don’t want anything to change, but I understand if it has to...” I cringed at my last statement. I didn’t want anything to change.

“Where were you yesterday?” Was this his way of deflection, not wanting to address where our friendship was headed? Kate made it pretty obvious “everyone” knew where I was.

“Oh. I had Sierra’s baby shower in Cape Cod this weekend. We didn’t get back until yesterday. She needed help getting settled.” Why did I lie? I sucked at lying, but for some reason I wasn’t ready to tell him the truth. Was it lame I didn’t want to hurt his feelings?

“Trip from the Cape can be a bitch, especially with traffic, huh?”

My breath hitched and my stomach sunk at Chase’s sarcastic and irritated tone. Shit. Caught. Was he really standing behind me right now? Guy looked over his shoulder. If he didn’t know I was lying before, he definitely knew now.

“Hunter, glad I found you. I want you and Jackson to scrub on my two o’clock, big spine case.”

“Oh, okay. Thought you only needed one of us.”

“Changed my mind,” he deadpanned.

“All right, I’m gonna head in then. Thanks, Colton.” Guy did the classic man smile and nod toward Chase, visibly pleased with his extra operating time this afternoon. “See ya later, Lil. We good?”

I smiled. “Yeah Guy, we’re good. See you later.” Guy stood up and walked back toward the hospital. My nervous stomach gurgled. Chase leaned against the back of the bench and crossed his arms over his chest. His stance was unnerving. I waited to turn around. I had a feeling we weren’t good.

“You lied?”

Yup. Shit. We were not good. I had no explanation. I had no excuse, none, and worse, I wasn’t even sure why I lied.

“Is there a reason you didn’t just tell him you were with me?”

“I don’t know.” That is the truth. “But he knows we’re only friends, I made that perfectly clear, but I don’t know ... it was awkward and I felt ... bad.”

“Blue, listen to me. I know I have a tendency to be jealous, but I’m trying very hard here. I trust you ... completely. I know where we stand. And I also know how important your friends are to you. I fucking love that about you. But Hunter should know about us. You’re not doing him any favors tiptoeing around his feelings. It’s not a secret anymore. Not that it’s a concern to me, but I know you care about the guy. How do you think he’s going to feel when he’s the last to realize that you’re mine? Forever.”

Maybe my Dr. Jealous took a backseat, but my Dr. Possessive was still front and center.

I stood up to face him, fully expecting to lock eyes with a brooding Dr. Intensity. I was shocked to find something else there. A benevolence that screamed I’m trying, baby. I had to laugh.

“Listen to you. What have you done with my boyfriend? Um, but seriously, thank you Chase. I love you and I love how you trust me. Believe me when I say you will never have a reason not to. As much as I’m yours, you’re mine.” I clasped my arms around his neck and lightly kissed his lips. “One question though, why did you sneak up on us, if you trust me so completely?”

Now it was his turn to laugh. “I never said I fucking liked the fact that my girl was sitting so close to another man on a secluded bench by a river, especially a man with proven feelings for her. Don’t think for a second I forgot he kissed you, for Christ’s sake. All I’m saying is don’t be surprised if Dr. Hunter doesn’t have a whole lot of free time. He wants to operate, he’s in luck—he’s going to operate his fucking fingers off.”

I shook my head and smirked. My Dr. Jealous wasn’t that far back, but we were good. Mmm. Chase and I were better than good.

26

Long and firm

Wow. Friday snuck up on me. I loved the four-day work week, especially when you were lucky enough to go to sleep and wake up in the arms of your dream man. Was that corny? Yeah, it probably was, but I really didn’t care. It was the truth. My truth.

Our relationship was solidified by the hospital grapevine, and for the most part, everyone was finally sick of discussing us. Jack seemed to be keeping Leanne entertained with their own sexcapades. She finally let up on the daily sabotage where she drilled me for the play by play. I thought Sierra was bad, but Leanne blew her out of the water when it came to gossip and sex. Damn, that girl knew how to make me blush.

Even Guy and I had a run in, oddly enough in the stairwell this time, and he seemed to be okay. It was time to stop tiptoeing around his feelings as Chase so kindly suggested. So when Guy half sarcastically asked, “So you and Colton, huh?” I went the honest route. My friend deserved that. “Yeah. We’re good, really good.” He assured me our friendship was solid, with a doll, you’re stuck with me. And that’s why I loved Guy. So accepting. Just a genuinely nice guy with a killer dimple. So now that all was wonderful in Lili world, I was ready to start my last weekend of the summer.

My dad and Sharon were visiting us next weekend for Labor Day to celebrate my birthday. And even though I was thrilled they were coming, I selfishly loved that Chase and I had this weekend to ourselves. A quiet drama-free two days. A normal weekend. We had yet to do normal.

Tonight I planned to surprise Chase with a romantic dinner since he always beat me to it. Plus, I always wanted to try Ethiopian food. The vision of Chase’s big frame crouched on the floor, criss-cross-applesauce, eating with his hands made me smile. I grabbed my phone to call for the reservation and saw the missed calls and text.

Call me ASAP.

There’s a vice squeezing my belly!

Was I just dreaming about a quiet weekend? Shit.

“Lil, thank god, what took you so long?” Sierra picked up on the first ring. “I’m not in labor, right? I can’t be in labor, I’m only thirty-six weeks. I thought this little shit needed to cook for forty weeks.”

I chuckled because I just couldn’t help it. “Um, Sier, hi! And yes it’s possible you’re in labor—people have babies early all the time—but maybe you’re just having those Braxton Hicks contractions.”

“Shit, Dodd’s gonna kill me. He told me we shouldn’t have had sex this morning because I could go into labor. And now he’s on a goddamn plane for the next six hours. Fuck, I told him he didn’t know what the hell he was talking about—we had four more weeks. I practically shoved his dick inside me. I’m such a horny bitch.”

I laughed so freaking hard I couldn’t talk.

“Quit your freaking laughing … ah shit!”

“What! You’re contracting?”

“No. I’m looking at my sucky toes. I need a pedicure stat. This chick is screwing with my plans.”

“You’re worried about your freaking nails and you might be in labor. Do me a favor before you rush to the nail salon ... call the doctor and I’ll meet you there. If you’re in labor we need Dodd on the next flight home. I’m not dealing with your craziness by myself.”

“All right, ass, I’m calling. I’ll text you when I have my appointment time.”

“K, bye. Oh and Sier, you’re so not in labor because we’ve been chatting at least five minutes and you haven’t contracted once.”

“Hey, just ‘cuz you’re fucking a doctor, doesn’t make you a doctor. Hell ... who am I kidding? You’re probably right, this sucks.”

“You’re a nut. Just call the doctor.”

“Fine.”

“Good. Then text me ... and Sier, I’m so excited for you. It’s really close, you know. You’re almost at the finish line. Hang in there.”

“Me too. Thanks.”

She was so not in labor, but that didn’t stop my excitement from bubbling to the surface. I was borderline giddy when I hung up the phone. It was crazy how the past eight months flew by. For me, at least. Sierra was going to be a mom.

6:15 tonight OB appt.

C u there.

Call if anything changes.

K.

Thx aunt lili!

Well, no sticky finger dinner for two. At least not tonight. But I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Sierra had dropped so much of her life for me over the years it was my turn. My honor. Chase could handle a night solo.

“Closed, long and firm. What the fuck is that?” Sierra hissed, a little too loud.

I closed the exam room door behind us. “Shhhh ... at least wait until we are outside.”

Oh, she was pissed, and not because the office staff left us in the exam room for over an hour before her doctor came in to examine her.

“Lil, this sucks. Long and firm. What the hell? I’m never going into labor.”

Disappointment was written all over her face. I felt bad for her. Hell, I was even a little disappointed. “You’re only thirty-six weeks, you don’t want to go into labor yet. You even said she needed to cook for forty weeks. This is a good thing. And you heard your OB, her growth is good, her fluid is good. She’ll come when she’s ready. Besides, now you have a chance to get your pedicure, and if I remember correctly, you were pissed just a couple hours ago when you thought you couldn’t get it.”

Sierra rolled her eyes even though she knew I was right. Typical. She scheduled her appointment for next week at the front desk. Her manners were ... questionable, but she held it together, for the most part. The clock above the receptionist read eight fifteen. It was late. I was hungry; Sierra was cranky. Not my vision of how I wanted tonight to go down. We turned to leave the reception area, and sitting in the waiting room by the door was six feet plus of beautiful, head down, concentrating on his iPad.

I rubbed the nape of Chase’s neck to get his attention. “Hey, what are you doing here?” His hair was getting a little long. He needed a haircut. It looked amazing.

He wasn’t startled or surprised, like he’d been waiting a while. “How’d you do?” His voice was ... sincere. He didn’t answer my question but looked straight up to Sierra instead. I loved that.

Sierra shrugged. “False alarm. It’s a good thing, I guess.” She glanced back at me, then back at Chase. “Shit. I totally ruined your night, didn’t I? I’m sorry.”

Chase flipped the cover over his iPad to close it and stood up. “You didn’t ruin anything, just glad everything turned out okay.”

I smiled and squeezed Sierra’s hand. “We can eat on the floor with our hands anytime. Whatever.”

“Like now, hungry?”

Oh. Awkward. “It’s late, Chase. And I want to make sure Sierra gets home. Besides, I canceled our reservation.” I had called him earlier, spilled the beans about the night I planned and promised to make it up to him.

Chase didn’t bat an eye. “We have to eat. Let’s go, my car is outside. Of course I’m going to make sure Sierra gets home ... after I feed her.” He winked at both of us. “I changed the reservation. For three. But Blue, sorry to bust your bubble, Sierra and I are not sitting on the floor.” Sierra chuckled and smiled. She smiled so big my heart could have burst from my chest. Was this man for real? Screw a fancy diaper bag, this meant the world to me.

Ethiopian food was delicious. Not at all what I expected. Thankfully, Dr. Sophisticated ordered for the table because the menu was pure hieroglyphics to Sierra and me. We ate with our hands, made a huge mess, and talked about everything and nothing. Chase told us the little boy hooked up to the KimCore had done really well and was going home in a couple of days. Then he told us about a really tough case he had and even casually admitted Guy was a big help in the OR. Sierra and I recapped some of the latest CJ and Kate drama, wondering why we still hadn’t met him and when she was going to realize she deserved better. I hinted at a possible Asher, Kate introduction. Chase shot my idea down, “Forget it, Blue.” We talked about my dad and Sharon’s upcoming visit and somewhere I found the courage to mention Wrangel’s changing Main Street. Sierra knew fuck-face and family were relocating, but she had no idea Chase now owned the property and evicted them. I kept it quiet for now because even broaching this topic was huge for me. Sierra knew it and so did Chase. Surrounded by the two people who knew me better than anyone, I couldn’t have felt safer or more loved. They both supported me in their own way, the way I needed. Chase scooted his chair a hair closer, entwined our fingers and pressed our hands against his thigh under the table. His eyes never wavered from mine. And Sierra did what Sierra does and changed the subject at the first hint I was getting uncomfortable.

“So who would have guessed?” She slapped her sassy hands on the sides of her plate, drawing us back from the heaviness starting to surround our small table. Her grin was mischievous; her focus on Chase as she picked up her wine glass motioning a toast. It was seltzer all around tonight. Chase was driving, and even though I said I was too tired for wine, that was a lie. Knowing Chase’s demons with drinking and driving, I had no desire. If we were driving, we weren’t drinking. Period.

“Turns out you and my cervix have something in common, or so I’ve heard.”

Ummmm??

Sierra clinked our glasses. “To long and firm!”

Oh my god. Going to kill her.

I turned seventeen shades of red. Sierra twinkled, she was so proud of herself. This was how she aimed to change the subject. Total overshot.

Chase roared. He freaking laughed his ass off. I’d never heard a better sound in my life. Best sound ever. My perma-grin from seeing him so relaxed and carefree reached my eyes, but I was speechless, shaking my head in disbelief. Only Sierra.

Sierra ticked her head at me as if to say, come on, that’s funny. All right. It was. But there was no way in hell I was encouraging her. No telling where she’d go next. And I changed my mind, Leanne was a timid kitty compared to what Sierra just let loose.

Chase’s fit ended with a big exhale, but his smile didn’t budge. Fan-freakin-tastic. “On that note, ladies, let’s get you home.”

27

Awake

A word I would never tire of—home. A simple word that meant the world to me and rolled effortlessly off Chase’s sexy lips. I couldn’t wait. We tucked Sierra into her bed with plenty of magazines and several bottles of water and headed home.

“What do you want to do when your dad and Sharon come next weekend for your birthday?”

“I don’t know, show them around the city. Nothing crazy. I’m not much of a birthday girl.”

He stopped in front of my apartment. We got out and went inside.

“Who said anything about crazy?” Barely inside he made quick work of my clothes. My black shift dress was up and over my head in two seconds flat. He held me at arms’ length, clearly enjoying my black lace bra and matching thong.

“See something you like?” I batted my eyelashes, using his words like he had done to me so many times before.

“More than like, baby. I see my dessert, the only kind I crave.”

Goose bumps rose over my sensitive skin as he took his time running his greedy hands over all my curves. I loved when he talked to me like that, reminding me on a daily basis that I was it for him. I closed my eyes and tipped my head back slightly to relish his touch, as his warm fingertips memorized my body. His soft lips joined the fun his fingers were having in exploring my skin. He began right below my ear and licked and sucked and nibbled down my neck, across my shoulders and over the swell of my breasts. He unclasped my bra and it drifted to the floor. He caressed my breasts before taking one into his mouth. The feeling was exquisite, and my head fell back further. I sort of wished I was flat on my back and not still standing in my three-inch heels for this sexy seduction. I kept quiet though because the last thing I wanted was for him to stop. The ache deep in my core was deliciously intense. I throbbed from head to toe and every spot in between. His labored breath bathed my nipple, and I gasped when his teeth finally tugged the hard pearl into his mouth.

“Oh god, that feels so good.” Did I think that? Did I whisper it? Hell, I could have just wailed it; I was so lost in the feeling I had no idea. None. That’s what this man did to me. I savored every single second.

He continued his silent assault on my other breast before nibbling downward over my ribs and belly. My knees trembled when he dragged my thong down my thighs with his teeth. I steadied myself, gripping his shoulders, and he smiled against my inner thigh. He knew I wasn’t going to last much longer standing. I loved how he read me so well.

I blinked and I was lying on my bed. One swoop, two strides, and I was naked and being devoured by two insatiable grey eyes.

“You are so fucking beautiful. You’re my light, baby.”

He slowly unbuttoned his shirt. Every muscle below my navel spasmed at the sight of his chiseled, bare chest. I had no idea how many muscles there even were down there, but every last fiber was contracting, aching to be filled and stretched. I writhed against the soft sheets, searching for any friction to lessen the ache. I needed release.

Chase dropped his shirt and climbed up my body until we were chest to chest. He kissed my mouth so tenderly, passionately—desperately. I loved how freely he unleashed his emotions on me. We had come so far.

He spoke against my lips. “When all I saw was darkness, when I thought there was nothing left but pitch black, your shining blue eyes rescued me from that hell. I don’t deserve you, baby, not for one fucking second, but the fact that you want me for who I am, the fact that you love me, makes me actually believe that one day I might forgive myself.”

I inhaled a sharp breath as my eyes filled with tears. He ran his hand along my forehead, pushing any loose strands of hair from my face. The love that seeped from his eyes overwhelmed me. My heart heaved against my chest with the magnitude of his words. I never in a million years imagined loving someone this much.

“These tears, Chase, they’re good ones. I promise,” I croaked.

“I know I say it a lot. But you need to know I fucking love you more than life itself. I would return to that hell for you.” His breaths were loud and labored, matching mine.

I knew he would, god, I knew he would.

“Make love to me, Chase. I want you inside me. I want to get so lost in you, please.”

Before my next breath, his jeans vanished and he was pushing inside me, filling me with his limitless love … relieving the pulsing ache.

“Baby, I want you on top. I want to watch you breathe, watch your eyes change color. I want to see what I do to you.” In a single fluid motion I was on top. I straddled his hips and sat up. He immediately cradled my breasts as I continued pushing his length deeper and deeper. I slowed our pace and kept his hard length deep inside me. I felt him pushing up my womb. The intense pressure bordered on painful, but this was the pain I craved. We were one. I never wanted it to end.

“All I see when I look at you, Blue, is the future, our future. I can finally see past tomorrow. Fuck, you let me see past the next goddamn thirty seconds. You told me on the beach that day that I woke you up, but truth, baby—you woke me up. Fifteen fucking years I slept through life. Now I’m fucking living it, wide awake.”

“Oh god, Chase, I lo-love y-you so much,” I cried.

Then I bent over and pressed my lips to his. He gripped my hips, struggling for control and started to move us again, ever so slowly, in and out, deeper and harder. I was making him crazy. Hell, I was making myself crazy.

“Fuck. You feel so good. You close, baby?”

“Oh yes, so close.”

“Let it go, I want to come together.” He released my hips and gave me control. Every nerve tingled, every muscle contracted. Spasmed. Clenched. Pulsed.

“That’s it baby, give me everything.”

I buried him as deep as I could bear and his warm release filled me. He gave me everything.

I collapsed against his chest. The sound of our rapid heartbeats and breathing played like a song. Our song. When it finally quieted, I broke our connection and lifted up. My fingertips found the pale pink line still left on his forehead. It was the reminder that just a few weeks ago we were broken and struggling, but we didn’t give up.

I leaned over and kissed it. Kissed him. “Promise me something, no more...” I brought his hands to my lips and kissed each knuckle. “No more fists, Chase ... those demons don’t have to be fought anymore. Let’s keep them asleep ... we’ll stay awake ... together.”

He looked like he wanted to say something, but I wasn’t finished. I covered his lips with a finger. His eyes turned glassy. Slowly I worked my way down his body, my lips trailed along his tattoo. First do no harm. I finally understood its true significance. “This,” I traced each character, “is not your reminder ... this is truth. This is you.”

Chase needed to realize he never harmed anyone, not his sister, not his unborn child. He could never harm anyone. The emotion in the room was thick and in that moment there was nothing left to say. So I wrapped my body around him, and we held each other until the morning sun streamed through my windows.

Over the next week we didn’t really talk about that night again. We didn’t need to. We were both beautifully awake and blissfully living.

“I’ll send Pete to pick up your parents.”

“I’m gonna go with him. I want to be there when they get off the plane. I already took a half day. It’s Friday, and luckily, pretty slow on peds.” Their plane was arriving around four.

“You know I would come if I could, but I really need to finish up a couple things here first.” He seemed totally distracted and he had since last night.

“That’s fine. You sure everything is okay?” The only interruption we’d had to our bliss this week was a couple of cryptic phone calls Chase answered and physically left the room for, always business, and not just Asher. Lawyers, bankers, real estate brokers, financial advisors—Chase had a whole freaking team. The conversations I easily tuned out usually began with lots of numbers. I was probably in the loop a little more than I needed to be, but we had no secrets, and Chase was very comfortable talking about his financial security. He wanted me to be comfortable discussing it as well. I was still adjusting; it was going to take time. Being financially comfortable was not something I was used to and I wasn’t sure if I would ever be. Anyway, the last couple of days I felt like he was hiding something from me.

“Everything’s great. Excited for the weekend?” He kissed my lips. “Go, beautiful, you took a half day, go get your nails done or something. Where do you want Pete to pick you up?”

“Your apartment,” I said.

We decided my dad and Sharon would stay at my place for the weekend. Most of my stuff was in Chase’s anyway, because as he liked to remind me on a daily basis, “One of us has to be up before the sun while the other hits snooze a few dozen times. Gotta take advantage of proximity, baby.” Justifiable argument, but his sarcasm deserved the eye roll it got daily as well. Except when he added, “And I’m sure as fuck not going to sleep any earlier, not when your gorgeous body is lying next to me. No chance I’m wasting one precious second.” Yeah, that deserved way better than an eye roll. Mmm.

“Okay, baby, I’ll tell Pete. You gonna take them right to your apartment?”

“That’s what I was thinking, figured they might want to freshen up before dinner.”

“Perfect, see you then.” He kissed me one last time and disappeared down the hall. Obviously in a rush to do something.

28

HEA

Maybe he was trying to tell me my nails sucked. They did. My nervous habit wreaked havoc on my cuticles. I stood in the nail salon, staring at the rainbow of colors in front of me. If Sierra weren’t busy with her legs in the air I would have dragged her with me. But her OB insisted she take it easy for the next couple of weeks since her legs all of a sudden looked like they belonged to a baby elephant. One of the perks of being nine months pregnant at the end of August.

I flipped the nail bottles over one by one to read the name on the bottom. Such a girl habit. Even sillier was trying to guess the abbreviations the nail girls Sharpied on the top. Ha! This one was perfect. I pulled out my phone and typed Sierra a quick text she would appreciate.

Getting nails done.

HEA!

Confused???

Oh. I was disappointed with my BFF. Was she slacking on her romance novels?

Really?! Come on.

Know you have a book in ur hand!

What are we always waiting for??

Asspuck, look in the mirror-

Pretty sure we BOTH found it already :)

Her text hit me in the gut, in a good way. A really fan-freakin-tastic way.

True :)

No one deserves her Happily Ever After…

More than you!

Right back at ya.

Xoxo

I caught a couple of ladies staring in my direction. I’m sure they were wondering what the hell I was smiling at. My smile even felt huge to me. They’d be jealous.

Three hours sounded so much longer than it was in reality. Why was that? A manicure, a Whole Foods shop and a latte (decaf) drop off to the swollen BFF, and now I was running late. And I thought I’d have time to squeeze in a run. Yeah, not so much. I barely had time to shower and change. My hair still wet, I yawned and grabbed my fabulous smaller-than-luggage bag, eager to head for the airport. Eager to see my dad. Suddenly, a quiet night at home, just the four of us, sounded like a much better idea than whatever delicious restaurant Chase picked. No question, that was more my dad and Sharon’s speed anyway, especially after traveling all day. I was tempted to text Chase to see if he’d mind, but I didn’t. He was so thoughtful about this weekend, planning everything and arranging for my dad to celebrate my birthday with us. I would never disappoint him, didn’t matter how exhausted I was.

Luckily, we made it to the airport with time to spare. No traffic on a Friday afternoon was shocking. Sierra kept me company on the phone while I waited by the baggage carousels.

“Babydoll!”

I had missed that deep voice.

“Sier, they’re here. Got to go ... yes, I’ll tell them you say hi. Maybe we’ll try and pop by this weekend ... my dad would love to see you too. If you’re nice, we’ll bring you a cheesesteak. Yeah ... okay ... mm-hmm ... bye.” I shoved the phone in my bag and made my way toward the escalator.

“Hi Dad.” I flung my arms around his neck. It didn’t matter how old I was, I was always his little girl. “I missed you, I’m so glad you’re here.”

“You look amazing, babydoll!”

Sharon stood back a little bit and gave us our moment. She was thoughtful and sweet. Perfect for my dad and I was grateful he had her.

I kissed her on the cheek and gave her a real hug. “I’m so sorry I missed you when I was home.” I knew she would never hold it against me, knowing what went down the last time I was home, but I still needed to say it.

“Me too. I was jealous of Dana. She said you looked radiant and you absolutely do.”

“We’re just so happy to be here. My birthday girl looks beautiful. And so happy.”

“Thanks, guys. I am. I really am.”

My dad wrapped an arm around my waist and we made our way toward the exit, bypassing the baggage claim.

“Wait, do you have any other luggage?”

“Nope, this is it.” They rolled small matching suitcases behind them. They were too cute.

“Great, Chase’s car is right outside.”

“You left his car at the drop-off curb? Are you crazy, babydoll? It’s gonna get towed.” He gave me one of his famous did I teach you nothing looks. Did he really think I was that dumb?

“Noooo, Dad. Pete’s waiting with the car,” I said that like it was common hat to have a driver. This was going to be a little weird; I knew what was coming next.

“Who’s Pete?”

Chase’s financial comfort wasn’t a secret, but I never really made it a point to discuss exactly how comfortable he was with my dad.

“Um ... Pete’s his driver.”

“As in his personal chauffeur?” Obviously Dad had no patience for beating around the bush.

“Yeah, I guess you could call him that…” He was really so much more, but how did I even begin to explain Chase’s loyalty to Pete? It was Chase’s story to tell, not mine.

“Hmmm. Interesting.” Dad was being polite, or trying. His poker face needed as much work as mine. Totally genetic. He probably wanted to say something more along the lines of, Who the hell needs a driver, are his feet and hands broken?

“I know Dad, I agree.” I shrugged, hoping my dad read between the lines and saw I was still as Wrangel as he was. That Chase’s money was just that to me ... just money. The cars, the dinners, the clothes—that was all part of Chase’s world; a world I couldn’t give two shits about.

“Oh shut it, Jim.” Sharon smacked my dad’s chest jokingly before he said anything else. “If the man thinks he needs a driver, so be it. Just so happens we need a ride. Right? Anyway I can’t wait to meet your Chase, sweetie. He sounds lovely.”

Your Chase. That sounded even lovelier.

“Thanks, Shar.”

“And after I scold him a bit, remind me I really want to thank him. I’ve never flown first class before. Did you know they give you free drinks?”

I chuckled at how cute she was. “Well, I hope you took advantage.”

Dad smirked and shook his head. “Oh, she did.”

Pete jumped out of the town car as soon as he saw us. “Mr. Porter, Mrs. Porter ... lovely to meet you.”

“Thanks, you too.” My dad shook Pete’s hand. Sharon, on the other hand, blushed pink. Pete was charming—I gave her that. Dad teasingly shot her a look and she mouthed back, “What?” Too freaking cute.

Pete opened the back door for us and we all slid in. I could already tell this was going to be a great weekend. “So I thought we’d go back to my apartment, so you can get settled and relax before dinner. Chase will meet us there.”

“Sounds good to me, babydoll.” My dad kissed my temple and I snuggled into his side. Yep, great weekend.

My apartment was small, really small, but it felt anything but cramped. With my dad and Sharon there, it was cozy and warm. I couldn’t remember the last time we spent quality time like this together. Just relaxed and comfortable, without the oversized elephant of that night in the room. My dad and I were kicked back on the couch, while Sharon sat at the table next to us with my laptop open, Googling the location of the Rocky statue. The look of disbelief on her face when I told her it was at the bottom of the museum steps, not the top, was priceless. She looked like she just heard that Santa wasn’t real for the first time. No way Dad and I were letting her live it down. She was hysterical, or as Asher would say, a hoot. We were still busy teasing her when the doorbell rang.

He rang the doorbell? I pushed up off the couch smiling. Chase had his own key to my place, but out of respect for my dad he rang the doorbell. I loved that. This man earned some serious brownie points.

I started talking before I even got the door open. “Hey, we were wondering when you were going to get here-” My heart swelled when I saw him. This man never failed to shock me.

It took him a little longer to get here because he obviously stopped home to change. Instead of standard work attire, which was GQ worthy on a bad day, Chase wore faded jeans and a t-shirt. A simple, perfectly fit, white t-shirt. One arm cradled a few pizza boxes, while the other held a shopping bag with two six packs of beer and a CRUMBS bag. He was beautiful.

“Hi, gorgeous.” He walked in and pretended not to notice how moved I was and kissed the tip of my nose. “Thought you guys might be tired and want to hang low tonight and catch up. Hope you don’t mind pizza and salad? We can go out tomorrow…”

My dad clapped his hands together and stood up. “Now that’s what I’m talking about! Good to see ya, son. Let me give you a hand with that.”

Screw brownie points, Chase just earned a lifetime of free sex points.

Chase exchanged pleasantries with Sharon and Dad and set everyone up with a beer and some pizza. Then he came to find me in the kitchen. I was taking a pause.

“You okay, baby?” He looked at me suspiciously. A tight knot squeezed the back of my throat. I had to swallow it down before I could speak.

“Yeah, I’m fine, really.” I chalked my moment up to hormones. Poor Sierra, was this what she dealt with every day?

Chase cupped my cheeks. “Truth, baby. Talk to me.”

I lifted up onto my tippy toes and kissed his nose. “I just love this. All of it. The pizza, the beer, the cupcakes. I know it sounds stupid, but I even love that you thought to grab freaking paper plates. Just being here like this—you, me, my dad, Sharon. It’s exactly how I wanted tonight to go, and I didn’t even know that until we got back here. But you knew. You didn’t have to ask, you just knew what I needed. You knew. I love that. I love you. Thank you.” I meant every single word with every fiber of my being.

He squinted in disbelief then whispered, “Thank me for what?”

Oh god, I wanted to cry. It was paper plates. I needed to get a grip. Freaking paper plates. But it wasn’t, it was so much more. My tears wet his thumbs, but he didn’t wipe them away. He didn’t shift. He just stared into my eyes until I blinked the last tear away. Until I saw clearly again. And I saw it crystal clear. I knew exactly what I was thankful for, and it sure as hell wasn’t paper plates. I closed my eyes and mumbled against his soft lips, “Thank you for giving me my HEA.” It felt beautiful to say it out loud.

Chase took my lips against his as an invitation, as I hoped he would, and kissed me senseless. And all of his gentleman points would had been out the window if my dad walked in the kitchen, but I didn’t care. Not one bit.

“I might not have a clue what you’re talking about, Blue, but I promise you haven’t seen anything yet.” He kissed my lips, then my nose, then each eyelid. Mmm. “We better join your dad and Sharon before they wonder where we went. Fuck...” He stepped back an inch, smirking, before he finished that thought. “You can tell Sierra we have something else in common ... we’re both praying for short and soft right about now.” And then I laughed … really loud.

“Um, so that was a little awkward,” I said, toeing off my flats in Chase’s bedroom. Pete brought us home a little before midnight. Home, I liked the sound of that.

“Which part? Sharon asking you if reading Fifty Shades of Grey would make your dad happy? That was fucking classic. Thinking she probably should have stopped at the second beer.”

“Uhh, could have done without that reminder.” I had already forgotten that, more like blocked it from my short-term memory. “You’re right, that definitely was awkward, but I was referring to saying goodnight to my dad and leaving my apartment so I could sleep in your bed.” Didn’t matter how old I was, I was still his daughter.

Chase fisted the back collar of his t-shirt and pulled it off over his head. I loved when he did that. “No, Blue ... awkward would have been them staying in the spare room right across the hall, and your dad hearing us not sleep. Because let’s be honest, baby, no fucking way we’re going to sleep right now. And, baby ... you are definitely not quiet.” His grin was too sexy.

“Um, ya think?” I pursed my lips together and unzipped my jeans, way slower than necessary. He definitely deserved a little show. He earned it big time tonight.

“Fuck it, this needs to be fast,” he growled. Huh?

Minutes later, I was naked on my back with my HEA buried deep, and I was definitely not quiet. So far from it.

We both came down from, um—coming, when I said, “So not complaining, but I’m curious, why’d we have to be fast?” I accentuated the “so” because I was so not complaining, but Chase never did fast. Ever.

“Because I didn’t want to be a panting fucking mess ready to explode when I did this.” He rolled off of me to open his nightstand drawer. He pulled something out and quickly rolled back to face me, nodding over to the alarm clock that still topped the dresser across the room. Midnight.

“Happy birthday, Blue.” He kissed the tip of my nose.

He placed a small box in my hand. It wasn’t a velvet box or a Tiffany blue box. It wasn’t that kind of box at all. The small glass case was frosted blue and topped with a stunning abalone mother of pearl shell that was a mixture of amazing iridescent blues.

This man amazed me. I didn’t need anything material; he was my gift. Everything I’d ever want in this lifetime was lying beside me. Another eighty years together wouldn’t be enough. Nothing other than eternity would suffice.

“I love you. Chase, this is stunning and already the best birthday ever. And it’s only two minutes in, thank you.” My lips brushed his to send the message home.

“Baby, open the box.” I was a bit taken aback. I thought the gorgeous jewelry box was the gift, but I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. I lifted the glass lid. Sparkles danced like raindrops lighting up the room and my smile, which in turn, illuminated Chase’s smile. But it wasn’t the diamonds in the bracelet that stole my breath away; it was the ocean blue stones that separated the diamonds. They were all translucent shades that could not be replicated. Each as smooth as glass.

“Sea glass?” I whispered, enamored.

“Doesn’t even come close to the real thing, but I wanted you to see a glimmer of what I see when I look in your eyes, Blue. Color and sparkle, baby. You are beautiful...” His fingertips grazed my cheeks. “I want to spend forever awake, staring into your eyes.”

There were no words to describe the tidal wave of emotion crashing down upon me. None. Why even try? I felt so cherished and adored, truly and utterly loved. He loved me.

He secured the stunning bracelet on my wrist. A small silver charm dangled from the clasp. The inscription stole my heart: beautifully awake.

For the past three years, fear of waking back up to life terrified me. Sleep-running had been my safe haven. My time to heal. Now the thought of being anywhere else but living in the moment, feeling everything life had to throw at me was unimaginable. Different circumstances had put us to sleep, but together we fought that battle. Finding each other and winning the fight woke us both up.

“Forever,” I said. Forever was my answer. I didn’t cry. I smiled. No more tears. Not even happy tears. Not tonight. Tonight, I needed to share forever with the man I loved. My happily ever after, even if it took all night long.

I woke up to a gorgeous hydrangea flower arrangement from my dad and Sharon and several texts from the girls at the hospital wishing me a happy birthday. Guy even remembered, with a Happy birthday, doll. Let’s not forget the massive white box at the bottom of our bed. Of course Chase downplayed the seriously kickass designer dress and even more kickass shoes when I insisted my bracelet and jewelry box were already too much.

“Baby, this way we’re not rushed later; saves time, and you won’t have to go back to your apartment to change for dinner.” One day I’d throw his ludicrous argument back at him, but not today. Hell, no. Not today. He got away with whatever he wanted today. Today I said thank you and then showed him just how thankful I was. Happy freaking Birthday to me!

We spent the better part of the morning and most of the afternoon taking in the sights. Even though I’d lived here a while, I’d only done the touristy loop once with Sierra the week I moved here. Her attempt at distraction. Needless to say, my frame of mind at the time was questionable at best, so today it was all pretty new to me. Dad and Sharon had never been, and surprisingly Dr. Worldly said it had been years—whatever that meant, but I appreciated his enthusiasm. Yet another thank you I looked forward to showing, or should I have said, sharing.

The sports challenge at the Franklin Institute could have kept my dad entertained all day. I gave Chase some serious credit when he stood next to my dad, studying the physics of athletes via virtual reality versus heading downstairs to explore the science geek’s dream through the giant heart situation. It was obvious he had maxed out on brownie points last night alone, so the sex credits were exponentially increasing by the second. As long as I was spending the day with the three of them I had no opinion.

Sharon finally persuaded her husband to leave since she needed to hang out with Rocky, even if he was at the bottom of the steps. Several pictures with the bronze statue later, we eventually climbed the infamous steps and enjoyed the Philadelphia Museum of Art.

The ridiculous smirk on Chase’s face told me he was replaying our last museum experience just like I was. Talk about taboo with your dad by your side. I couldn’t even look in Chase’s direction without blushing ten shades of crimson. We had sex in a planetarium, for god’s sake. And hell if he didn’t love how embarrassed I was about it. His grin was priceless. I’d give him a repeat performance in a heartbeat, just not with my dad in the building, or the several hundred other people meandering about.

After the museum stop, we grabbed a late lunch at an outdoor cafe. Chase sensed I was dragging and suggested we head our separate ways to relax before dinner. Neither one of us had gotten a lot of sleep lately, and a nap was calling our names.

I laid down on the couch and my eyes involuntarily closed. Chase sat at the other end and pulled my feet onto his lap, gently massaging my arches. I sunk deeper into the couch.

“Having a nice birthday, baby?”

“Best ever. Thanks so much for today. You know, hanging with my dad, doing the sports thing.”

“First, stop thanking me. Your dad is a great guy and I enjoy his company. Even if I didn’t, know I’d do just about anything to put that shit-eating grin on your face. And for the record, I love sports. Been an athlete my whole life.”

No shit, Sherlock, seen you naked. I kept that quiet for obvious reasons.

“Mmm,” I mumbled, keeping my sassy comments to myself. My body was succumbing to sleep.

“Sleep, beautiful.”

I heard the television flip on. Sports Center. He was too much. I smirked and rolled my eyes under my lids before I drifted into a restful sleep.

Twenty minutes or two hours later, I had no idea…

“Blue, you want to take a shower before dinner?” Chase sat on the edge of the couch caressing my arm.

“Mmm. Was I asleep long?”

“Try a coma, baby ... a bomb could have gone off and I don’t think you would have woken up.”

“I was tired,” I stretched and sat up, “but I feel great now. Quick shower sounds good. Do I have time?” I still had no idea what our dinner plans entailed.

“Yes. Come, let’s shower.”

Mmm, even better.

I glanced at the TV getting up and saw Sports Center was still on. “How’s ESPN? Did I miss anything?” I smirked, feeling sassy again. I could have counted on one hand how many times he had watched Sports Center, or TV in general, actually.

Dressed in my new Nanette Lepore sundress and my new Jimmy Choo silver cork wedge slides, I walked from Chase’s bedroom. The dress was a lovely mint lace with a sweet perforated texture. Delicate pleats added a hint of volume to the bodice and skirt before falling to a perfect mid-thigh scalloped hem. My diamond and blue sea glass bracelet hung loosely around my wrist, complementing my dress. Chase had sick taste. Lucky me.

Chase turned his head from the window when I padded down the short hall. “Blue, you look gorgeous.” With his hands snaked in his pockets, Chase stood by the window in his signature stance. He was gorgeous in his low-slung grey pants and simple un-tucked white button down. With his sleeves rolled halfway, the contrast of the stark white against his bronzed skin was gloriously sexy.

“Chase, what are you trying to do to me?”

That wicked suggestive grin slowly crept up his cheeks.

“What? You’re the one who is killing me.” He closed our gap. “Baby, this dress is stunning, and your bracelet looks beautiful with it.”

“Someone I know has amazing taste.” I twirled around and smiled.

“If we don’t leave now the only thing I’m tasting is you,” he growled, causing everything in my lower region to tingle.

“Feed me first, then I’m yours to do whatever you like. Let’s go, I’m starving.”

“Anything for my birthday girl.”

Why was I not shocked when we pulled up in front of my favorite sushi restaurant? And why was I not surprised when I walked in and realized Chase had rented the entire restaurant just for me and my closest circle?

A loud Happy Birthday resonated through the tiny room, followed by a very quiet “Happy Birthday, Blue” whispered in my ear. I was all smiles.

I walked straight for my BFF who was supposed to be on bed rest. “What are you doing here, Asspuck? You’re supposed to be in bed!”

“You think I’d miss your birthday? Besides, I thought a little sake might shake some things up in here.” She rubbed her pop belly. We were practically eye level, and I realized she should be shorter than me.

“Sier, you’re in heels? Are you crazy?”

“Puck—you think I’d be out celebrating my best friend’s birthday in anything other than heels? You’re the one that’s crazy.” She hated my flats. “I stuffed my swollen ass feet into these Jimmy’s, but they’re in and they aren’t coming off.”

“She wouldn’t listen to me, never does.” Dodd chimed in, pretending to look defeated, but I knew better. He freaking loved Sierra’s flair. He shook Chase’s hand, and Chase kissed Sierra on the cheek. “By the way, I owe you guys. When my plane touched ground in London, I had about eighteen missed calls and twenty-five texts. I thought for sure I missed the birth of my first child.” He teasingly rolled his eyes at his still preggo wife. “I really appreciate you guys taking care of her the other night.”

“Dodd, please. After all the times she’s rescued me, we wouldn’t have it any other way.” I affectionately squeezed Sierra into my side. Chase, on the other hand, furrowed his brows just slightly, knowing that he caused a couple of those rescue sessions. He needed to let it go, I sure as hell had.

“Enough with the mush, it’s time to party! Dodd, can you get me some sake?” Sierra was a woman on a mission. I had to smirk. “What! I’m just gonna have a little. Stop giving me your disapproving Lili look, eye roll and all.”

I laughed. “Whatever, go drink your little glass of sake. Maybe I’ll be able to meet my niece sooner than later.”

She was all talk. Lucky if she had a glass and a half total of anything the past nine months.

“Uh, hate to break it you, but the whole have-a-glass-of-wine-to-bring-on-labor thing is a total farce. Alcohol’s actually a tocolytic,” Chase said, very matter of fact, like we understood what tocolytic meant. But I had to admit, he was sexy as all hell when he got all medical. Mmm. He saw Sierra’s confusion, and who knew what he saw on my face. My mind was way deep in the gutter. A three-year sexual hiatus hadn’t helped. So Chase clarified, “Alcohol relaxes the uterus, as in, prevents labor.”

Sierra’s mouth dropped wide open. Hello, flies. “The books never mentioned that!”

The three of us tried our best to stifle our laughs. Chase, always the professional, put it in perspective for her. “Sorry, Sierra, it’s an old wives’ tale. And pretty sure the reputable pregnancy books left that tidbit out just because they were more focused on driving home all the possible dangers of alcohol in pregnancy. No conspiracy from the medical community, promise.” He held his hand up in scout’s honor. I almost peed my pants.

“Well, if that’s an old wives’ tale, what about sex and nipple stim?” she asked with zero hesitation. The girl had no shame. Zero.

I blushed for her. Chase chuckled. “Those techniques actually have some merit.”

Dodd was definitely a shade pinker than his usual coloring. He shook his head and grabbed his wife’s hand. “Wife, enough. The baby will come when she’s ready. Now stop grilling Chase, because if I’m not mistaken, he’s a neurosurgeon … not your personal gynecologist. Now before you molest me in public in the name of inducing labor, I definitely need some sake.”

Chase and I smiled at each other. Too freaking funny.

“Did someone say sake? I’m in.” I turned around. Sharon stood next to my dad. “Lili, you look gorgeous. Happy Birthday, sweetie. Now show me the way to the sake.”

“Thanks, Shar. Now follow the pregnant one...” I giggled, pointing to Sierra and Dodd making their way to the tiny bar.

“This old man needs a kiss from the birthday girl, first.” I kissed my dad’s cheek and he pulled me in for a hug. “Happy Birthday, babydoll.”

I snuggled in closer, inhaling his familiar scent. A rush of old memories flooded my brain. Growing up, my dad was always very affectionate, constantly hugging me and saying I love you. I never felt like he was trying to make up for me not having a mother, but maybe he was. It didn’t matter though—my dad gave me enough love for a hundred people. I was his little girl, always would be.

“Thanks, Dad, I really am so happy you’re here.”

“Well hell, I want a kiss from the birthday girl too. I’m not gonna be the only one missin’ out.” Asher’s green eyes sparkled as he cut his way between my dad and me. He really was a good-looking man. I wished Kate was here. Maybe she could finally dump her loser boyfriend and pursue Asher. Chase shot my idea down once, but we were definitely going to revisit that topic.

“Hey, keep your filthy paws off my girl, asshole.” Chase smirked at Asher. I knew he was totally kidding, but also totally dead serious.

“Yeah, nice to see you too, C.” They bumped fists and Asher turned to give me his undivided attention. “Happy Birthday, Lil, what a beauty you are.” Asher kissed my cheek, and I’m sure I blushed.

“Thanks, Ash, always the charmer.” I reached for my dad’s hand so I could introduce them.

“Ash, think you can find your own girl so you can stop hitting on mine?”

“Ok, enough, you two,” I interrupted. My dad was grinning, getting a kick out the boys’ banter. “Dad, this is Chase’s best friend, Asher Craig. Asher, this is my dad, James Porter, and my stepmom, Sharon is over there drinking sake with Sierra.”

“Asher, nice to meet you. Please call me Jim.”

The men shook hands. “Jim, the pleasure is all mine. You have an amazing daughter to put up with this guy.” Asher slapped Chase’s back. I loved how they constantly teased each other. They had been through a lot together and their friendship was as strong as ever. He was Chase’s family by every definition that mattered, and I was so grateful Chase had someone to stand by him through those ugly years.

“So, Jim-” My stepmom sauntered toward us, swaying her petite hips. She encircled an arm around my dad’s waist and he kissed her temple. “You’ve been holding out on me. Please tell me the new Japanese restaurant in our strip mall at home is opening soon.”

I glanced at Chase who smirked and cocked his head. Who was he kidding? A new sushi joint in the center of Wrangel was not a coincidence. He totally planned that.

“This sake is delicious,” Sharon continued. She was drinking, not sipping, from her shot glass.

I looked over my shoulder at Sierra who was pointing at Sharon and mouthing three while holding up three fingers. Sharon was on her third glass already. Oh boy.

“Shar, sake is a bit stronger than normal wine. Trust me, I’m speaking from experience.” My lips curled remembering most of that completely mortifying night. Chase chuckled beside me.

“Is this an inside joke I don’t want to know about?”

“Yeah, Dad. Let’s just say when Chase and I first met, I made a bit of a scene.”

“Baby, it was the night I fell in love with you.” Chase tucked me into his side and kissed my temple.

That was the night I fell in love with him, I just didn’t know it yet. My feminine products rolling around the hardwood floor were quite the distraction, among other things. Lips, chest, abs, hair, eyes ... oh god, his eyes … always my distraction.

“Oh, Lil sweetie, you got yourself an old romantic. Dana totally called it the first night she met him,” Sharon said. Chase flashed me a beautiful smile. Damn, I loved him. “Jim used to-”

“Um, Shar,” my dad cut her off mid-sentence, “Chase and Lili do not need to hear whatever was about to come out of your mouth.” My dad knew his wife all too well.

“Oh Jim, you’re such a prude.” She swatted his shoulder.

Chase and I exchanged let’s-quietly-excuse-ourselves-from-this-conservation looks ... like right fucking now. We didn’t need a replay of the other night. Sharon knew how to take a conversation to a whole new awkward level.

I gave my dad a sheepish smile while Chase excused us and tugged me in the direction of our dinner. I flashed back again to our first night. The table in front of me was much the same, covered in a colorful display of sushi rolls, sashimi, seaweed salads and even some steak and chicken teriyaki skewers I’m sure he planned for my dad, just in case. No detail was left unturned when it came to Chase. Surgeons and their details.

“I figured if we had an assortment everyone could just dig in, family style.” It was perfect. He was perfect. It was exactly what I would have wished for. Simple, casual and family style. Because this was my family. Surrounded by everyone I loved. I was over the moon happy.

“Before everyone starts eating, I would like to make a toast.” Everyone quieted and looked toward Chase and me. He snaked his fingers between mine. “First, I would like to thank everyone for coming to celebrate Lili’s birthday with us. I know everyone in this room has a special place in her heart, and she loves you all to pieces.” Shit, he was totally going to make me cry. “And next, I want to thank Lili for finding me and waking me up in more ways than one. I love you, Blue, so much.” He ran his hand along my cheek.

My heart swelled at the double meaning of his words. This man held my fragile heart in his hands and he knew it. And I reveled in the idea that he would do everything in his power to keep it safe.

“And last, I would like to raise our glasses and toast to Lili’s birthday with years of health, happiness and triple digits...”

Oh my god!

My face turned seventeen shades of red again and no one had any idea what he was talking about except me. Damn him, making my swollen heart flip out with his double meanings. And damn my dad for my sucky poker face. Sierra’s eyebrows rose. Yeah, she would definitely be questioning my color change later. Damn, everyone around me knew exactly how to push my buttons. The eye daggers I shot at Chase got me a tight squeeze.

“Whaaat?” he whispered in my ear. “I want us to live to be one hundred.”

“Mm-hmm,” I sarcastically hissed. “I’m sure that’s exactly what you were thinking.” But hell, if I hadn’t wished for at least that many years with this man myself.

“Oh baby, you love me and you love when I do stuff like that.”

I couldn’t argue because he was damn right. He loved to tease me and I freaking loved every second of it, even if I got embarrassed every time.

“Happy Birthday, Blue.” He lightly kissed my lips before releasing me to sip my sake. “What? No wine glass tonight, baby?” Sexy bastard and his play on words.

“Cheers” and “Happy Birthday, Lili” rang throughout the restaurant as everyone clinked glasses and sipped their drinks. I smiled for my loved ones and then turned to look at Chase.

“You looked starved, Dr. Tease.” I could play too. The promise of triple digits radiated from his pores into mine. I raised my voice several octaves. “Let’s eat, everyone.”

Chase’s sexy grin told me he knew exactly what I meant.

At a little after eleven, the party began to wind down. We said goodbye to my guests and finished loading two of the three tiers of my birthday cake into the back of Chase’s car. I had giggled when the chef at the restaurant wheeled in front of me a completely over the top three layered, for all intents and purposes, wedding cake.

The first words out of Sierra’s mouth were, “Holy hell, Chase, that’s the size of a freaking wedding cake, um ... you’re a brain surgeon right? Think you miscalculated.”

Everyone laughed at my ridiculously enormous cake. I thought it was fabulous because he picked it out.

“Did you have a fun party, baby?”

“So much fun, thank you for everything. You’re always so generous.”

He leaned me against his car—Pete was driving, of course—and ran his soft lips over my mouth.

“Ready to go? We have one stop to make before your birthday is over, I want to take you somewhere.”

“Okay.” I was dead on my feet and ready to crawl into bed, but I would go anywhere with this man. We slid in the back, he buckled me and we took off to our unknown destination. I rested my head against his shoulder; I was exhausted. “Why did you and Asher leave the party after cake?”

“Oh, just some business.”

“Hmmm.” I didn’t push him further because I probably didn’t want to know. I closed my eyes and was easily lulled to sleep by the motion of the car.

“Baby, we’re here.”

I opened my eyes to pitch black.

“Where are we?”

“At the river. Come, we drove a little further because I wanted to bring you to the area where they hold many of the rowing regattas. More grass here than in City Center.”

I stretched a little and got out of the car. I wasn’t really sure what he was talking about, but whatever. When my eyes adjusted to the dark, I focused on an illumination coming from the bank far ahead.

“What’s going on?”

He smiled, saying nothing. He encircled my hand with his, coaxing me forward.

“Kick your shoes off, baby.”

I stepped on the grass and did as I was told.

“Mmm.” It felt great to get those shoes off. I wiggled my toes in the grass and continued to follow Chase’s lead. I had no idea what was going on, but I wasn’t surprised that Chase had planned something else.

“I want you to feel the sand between your toes.”

“Sand?” I questioned. It was dark, which made it difficult to see, but the coarse grass almost immediately turned into cool, silky sand. “Chase, why is there sand?” I was so confused.

At the river’s edge, a row of small lanterns encircled a small beach blanket in the middle of this giant patch of sand. The only light was from the lanterns and the crescent moon shining in the clear summer sky. The moon reflected off the water, creating streams of light that mixed with the flickering and twinkling of the candles.

“I wanted you to feel like you were at the beach.” I looked up into his eyes. Just the glow from the small lantern was illuminating his face. He was stunning. “Sit, baby, I have one more gift for you.”

“You made this beach. You’re crazy.” I looked around. It was like we were on our own tiny island. He kissed my lips and laid me back so we were facing each other propped up on our elbows. “Chase, you don’t need to give me anything else. You’ve already given me so much. This bracelet, my outfit, the party, and most importantly, you … you are everything I need. Ever. I love you so much.”

“Well, this is a present for us. I know I’ve been a little off this past week, and I could tell you noticed.”

“Does this have something to do with why you kept leaving the room on business phone calls and rushing around the hospital acting weird? Why you left the party tonight with Asher?” His small smile was smug. “It is, huh?”

There was a small basket at the edge of our blanket with a bottle of champagne and two flutes. The yummy champagne. He handed me a glass before he reached deeper into the basket. He placed an irregularly shaped stone into the palm of my hand. It was smooth and in the dim light it resembled a larger piece of blue sea glass from my bracelet. Attached was a small silver chain and ring that held a single vintage key.

I gave him a questioning look. “What’s this?”

“It’s ours,” he said quietly.

I sat up a little bit, trying to absorb what he was telling me. “You want to live together?”

Chase made a throaty noise, a seriously sexy noise, and lifted the corners of his mouth. “That goes without saying, that’s already a done deal. Wherever we’re waking up together is where we live, as far as I’m concerned. Yeah, it would definitely be more convenient if all of our shit was at one place, but that’s your call, baby. If you want to keep your apartment or get a new one altogether or sleep in a different place every night, it doesn’t matter to me. It’s just an address, a technicality. The spot where your head is laying against my chest is where we live. Got me, Blue?”

What was I to say to that? I said nothing. I just stared in amazement.

“So I guess the answer to your question is yes, we live together, but this is something else.” He rubbed the key in my hand. “This is our peaceful place.”

I was confused. “I don’t understand?”

“I know how much you love Cape Cod and how it holds so many special memories for you, special memories for us.”

I knew exactly what he meant. We both laid a piece of our heartache to rest at that beach and found peace. For me, I buried the heartache from the loss of an unborn child and the loss of control over my life after it was stolen from me during that one stormy night. For Chase, he scattered his sister’s ashes and buried the guilt of one night’s choices that led to tragic events beyond his control.

“It’s our peaceful place and the place where you told me you love me. I want us to keep creating memories there ... I saw it behind us that morning on the beach when you went running. It’s perfect ... it’s ours. And I think you’re gonna love it.”

“A house?” I barely squeaked out past my swelling emotion. This was all too much to take in.

“Yeah, baby, a beach house. For us to go anytime we want to get away. And whenever you’re ready, because that’s your call too, I want us to get married on that beach, our spot. Truth, baby ... I will love you. Forever. Not a fucking second less. You with me, Blue?” That wasn’t really a question.

“Oh my god, Chase, I really don’t know what to say. This is ... you are ... amazing,” I cried. Hard.

29

Stairs

“Morning, Dad, it’s me.”

“I know, babydoll.” He chuckled.

“Did I wake you? I know it’s early.”

“Nah, just having coffee.” Like father, like daughter. “Why are you up? Aren’t you off for Labor Day?”

“No, not anymore, the case manager on Chase’s team called in sick and my supervisor called to see if I could go in this morning for a little bit and help out.”

“Oh, okay, no big deal. Sharon and I can find our way to the airport later.”

“No chance, Dad, I’m still bringing you. There’s no way I’m letting you leave without one more big hug.”

“All right, babydoll. Sounds good.”

“I’ll call you when I’m leaving the hospital. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

I took my seat next to our mildly sedated patient and squeezed his hand. I smiled under my mask, remembering what a complete nightmare I was the first time I stepped foot in the operating room. I had been queasy and sweating, staring at the sexiest grey eyes I’d ever seen. And now that sexy neurosurgeon was mine and reminded me often. Just a mere two months ago I was fading and hiding underneath everything bad that ever happened to me. It was my existence. Then one man came along and crushed the only existence I had known for three years and dug deep to see beneath my beautiful.

“Lili ... Lili.”

I snapped my head up. “Oh, sorry ... I didn’t hear you.”

The circulating nurse was standing right over me. “I could tell. You looked a million miles away. Dr. Colton said you should pick out the music ... and just so ya know, happy to have you back. It’s been real quiet since you switched services.”

“Really?” I smiled and walked over to turn on the iPod.

“Doll!” Guy called out, sounding genuinely happy to see me. He finished donning his gloves and did that spinny thing with the scrub nurse. Somehow it tied the gown up, but it looked more like a cheesy dance move.

“Hey Guy,” I said, relieved there was nothing awkward lingering between us. It was starting to feel like old times. Jack backed through the door at the same time.

“No wonder Colton’s in a great mood.” Guy approached the head of the table and started prepping the patient’s freshly shaved head. “Missed you on our service this month, doll.”

Damn mask, it was a crime to hide those dimples.

“Ditto, Kiddo.”

“Hey, Jack.” I chuckled at his stupid humor. I missed the boys. Too bad Sam had the day off. Hopefully catering to his pregnant wife.

“What do you think the chances are I can talk her into permanently joining my team?” Chase’s voice was matter of fact, his usual professional self, but his eyes kissed mine from across the room. Talk about a one eighty from the last time I sat in his OR hoping no one caught on to what was between us. There was not a scrub mask big enough to hide what I felt for this man. Bring on the eye kisses.

Jackson pelted Chase with a dude-are-you-high look. “No offense, Colton, but fat chance.” Only he could get away with that.

Guy seconded the notion. “Yeah, Colton, good luck with that.”

“Hmmm, we’ll see.”

I loved Chase’s confident resolve, but I agreed with the boys. Fat chance. His seductive wink told me he knew it, too. Couldn’t blame the man for trying though. Then just like that Chase was all business, head down with those brilliant focused eyes. Dr. Intensity commanded the room.

“Okay, let’s get started.”

The case went smooth as butter. It was amazing to see how the three of them had morphed into a well-oiled machine over the past two months, reading each other’s moves and anticipating every step. Chase would never admit it, but he was seriously unhappy about losing Guy next rotation. On more than one occasion he slipped about what an asset Guy had been and how impressed he was with his surgical skill. Guy was definitely getting a kickass recommendation for his neurosurgery fellowship. I’d make sure of it.

I handled my part like a pro; I was proud of myself. Mid-case, anesthesia briefly woke the patient up so they could do their brain mapping/tumor removing business, while I kept him calm and talking. He was a forty-five year old father of two, ironically from Massachusetts and had the coolest job. Lobster fisherman. I quietly gushed that I’d probably be spending a good amount of time at the Cape next summer, and he promised to hook me up if he made it out of this surgery in one piece. Needless to say, lobsters were in my future. Even before anesthesia put him back to sleep, the surgical team agreed the procedure was a success. No surprise there, Chase had it covered.

Oddly enough, I liked the operating room. Not enough to commit to the neuro service and abandon pediatrics, but enough that I could skip the nervous stomach routine next time the rotation rolled back in my direction. Good thing too, since Chase wasn’t kidding about making up for lost girl coffees. And my delivery girl made sure to leave her cell number, on the off chance I ever wanted a little breakfast with my morning latte. There were worse ways to wake up; a monotone traffic report was one of them. Thankfully, we were past that. In any case, as much as I loved Chase and trusted him with my deepest and darkest secrets—hell, make that with my life—I’d rather skip the “Don’t waste your money on coffee delivery this week because I’m having a bout of irritable bowel” conversation. Yep, could definitely skip that conversation.

“We’re just about done here. Blue, why don’t you get going? Go get your dad and Sharon to the airport.”

“You sure?” Not like I was doing anything at this point other than listening to Guy and Jackson bullshit while they closed. Still not sure what “closing” entailed exactly, but it always seemed to take forever. Then again, a poor man’s skull was just sawed open. Taking time closing it back up sounded like a solid idea. But I still felt guilty cutting out early.

“Go, we got this.”

He didn’t need to tell me twice. If I hurried, I could spend an extra hour with my dad before he and Sharon took off. I was biting at the bit to share my crazy news from last night. Although I wasn’t quite sure how my dad would respond to that conversation. Um, Dad, Chase bought me a mini-beach mansion, and we’re probably going to get married there. Isn’t that amazing? Yeah, I needed to work on my delivery a little more before I picked them up for the airport. Good thing Chase dazzled them this weekend. And not with his money.

I said a quick goodbye to the room and made my way out to wash my hands at the tiny scrub sink area. This operating room had no windows, so I couldn’t see back in, but I heard Chase mumble something about being right back. I smirked. Ten seconds later, warm arms wrapped around my waist as Chase nuzzled deep into my neck.

Mmmm. He smelled crisp, all man. “H-e-y ... you just wasted a surgical gown. They cost a fortune you know.” I giggled. Like I cared about a wasted gown. All I cared about at this very moment were the warm lips brushing against my neck, igniting my fire. Pure heaven.

“Fuck it, I’ll buy the hospital a year’s worth of gowns.” Huh. He probably would. “One more kiss, baby.” Kiss. “Drive safe.” Kiss. “I’ll call when I’m done here.” Kiss. “I love you.”

My lips were suddenly jealous of my neck, so I turned and snaked my arms around him. He was so much bigger than me, but we fit perfectly. “Love you too.” Kiss. “See you later.” Kiss.

His hands automatically found a comfortable resting spot on my ass. I squealed. Not an attractive sound, but it slipped out. “I’m going to be late if I don’t leave soon. I have to stop back at my office first.”

“I just love this ass.”

“It’s all yours ... but later!” I gripped his chiseled cheeks and gave him one last hard kiss. And with that I turned and wiggled my ass all the way down the long corridor. Leanne would have been so proud. Chase chuckled. Best sound ever.

I pit stopped by the recovery room to say a quick hello to Kate. I felt bad she missed my birthday party. She never gave Chase a reason for bailing last minute, but it had to be CJ bullshit, I was sure. She looked awful, like she hadn’t slept all night. And if I had a minute to spare, I would have tried harder to get her to talk to me, but now I really, really had to go. Like now. I gave her a super tight hug and she finally cracked. “I’m sorry, Lil, it’s so screwed up. Can we talk later?”

Damn that sounded cryptic, but then again her whole relationship with the loser was cryptic. Kate needed a LiliSierra-vention stat. Maybe she finally had enough. Good for her, she was too amazing to waste another minute. She deserved her Chase.

I did a quick change out of my (yes, I was still wearing them) hideous brown scrubs and crocs (yes, I caved and got a pair) and back into my solid black pencil skirt (yep, still wearing that too) and heels (ok, those were new).

The elevator was up on eleven. Push. Push. Push. Evidently pushing the button repeatedly didn’t affect the speed of anything. My dad hadn’t called or texted yet. He obviously wasn’t as stressed about missing his flight as I was. Anyway, what was the worst that could happen? They’d miss their flight and have to take the next one, giving us a little extra time together. Time I could use to share my big news. The love of my life wants to marry me ... at our beach house. The more I said it, the less crazy it sounded. Dr. Crazy!

I took a step back from the elevator and smiled. Huge. What was I going to do with my crazy, sweet, possessive, jealous, bossy, sexy, intense, playful, brilliant doctor? No brainer. Marry him one day and live our HEA. My cheeks hurt I was smiling so big. I backed up a little further. Heels and stairs weren’t so bad. Who needed an elevator? And since I’d taken a running hiatus, my calves and ass could benefit from a little toning.

Were his ears burning? His ringtone echoed in the silent stairwell.

“Hi, Dr. Sexy.” Good choice, right?

“Hey, baby.”

“What, you missed me already? I just left you, what twenty minutes ago?” He laughed at me. “Guess where I am, you’ll be so proud.” Four flights to go, ouch. “I’m only doing it for my ass though.”

“You’re taking the stairs, in those fucking heels. Baby, you trying to kill me?”

“What, before you take me to see our new beach house this weekend? No chance.”

“You say the word, baby, I’ll fly us up there tonight, as long as you promise to keep those fucking shoes on when we christen every damn room. Don’t tempt me. I’m a man of my word.”

I loved how aroused he sounded and that I was the reason.

“Mmm. Sounds tempting. Too bad we have these pesky jobs and all.”

“Who said anything about taking off? I’ll have us back by sunrise tomorrow. That gives you enough time to test the acoustics of half the rooms, depending how loud you scream my name, that is.”

“You’re crazy! We can’t do that!”

“Which part? Getting us back in time tomorrow, or making you come ten times? Because, yes, I can.”

Now who was aroused? “Uhh…” For some reason I couldn’t find anything witty to say, my mind was a little preoccupied playing the NC-17 trailer of Chase’s fantasy. Freaking Oscar worthy if you asked me.

“Tell you what, Blue, since you can’t function without sleep the way I can—and don’t even try and deny it, baby—let’s stick with the original plan for this weekend. Better yet, I’ll get us out of here early on Friday, if you promise me one thing?”

“Name it?”

“When I get home tonight, I want you in nothing but those heels and a crotchless thong.”

“Dr. Crazy, that’s two things.” I felt sassy.

Chase made a throaty sound, that seriously sexy noise that shot that delicious ache straight between my legs. “I love that fucking sassy mouth of yours. I’m going to…”

“CJ ... CJ!” Kate’s shrill voice cut Chase off and echoed like nails on a chalkboard through the stairwell. My stomach plummeted. She kept screaming. “Please, please don’t do this ... you need help ... where the hell are you going? CJ ... no!” Her voice was laced with pure fear.

Chase’s voice deepened with the panic I felt. “Blue, what the fuck is going on? Who’s screaming?”

I paused as the sick feeling in my stomach rose.

“Answer me, Blue.”

“I ... I don’t know. I think it’s ... Oh FUCK...”

Kate’s screaming intensified. The heavy steel door crashed against the tile.

My cell slipped from my hand. “Blue!! What the fuck is going on!” Chase’s voice sounded so distant when the glass face shattered in a million pieces. I needed a pause, a fast-forward, a stop. An extra second to process.

What the hell?

His familiar eyes were bloodshot, completely glazed over and about to pop out of his head. They were colorless and frantic. He was so close, too close. His wretched trench mouth mixed with drenching sweat churned the bile rising in my chest. The smell, his stench, was vile. Vomit mixed with body odor. I gagged. Dry heaved. I was so confused. I involuntarily strained my ears, attempting to decipher the mumbling crazed gibberish coming from his mouth.

Oh my god!

Wet noodle. Useless.

Dr. Jennings ... Carl Jennings ... Fucking CJ. It all made sense. Horrible sense.

Pearl size sweat beaded across his forehead. His skin was pale, a putrid shade of green. He looked rabid, like a sick animal. Crazed and high.

As quickly as the door slammed shut, his body slammed into mine, but with a force ten-fold that of steel. It all happened in slow motion.

I closed my eyes. Tight. I imagined stepping onto one of those amusement park rides where I strapped myself to the wall. The lights would go out, the music would start blaring and I would spin. And spin and spin. Faster and faster. No time to feel nauseous. It was too fast. My head cracked against the cold tile. Then the music stopped. Everything stopped.

Epilogue

Only the rhythmic sound of the heart monitor interrupted my silence. A sound that I now thanked fucking god for. I would sit and listen to that beautiful sound until hell froze over if I had to. I brushed the gorgeous brown locks out of her face. Her eyes were closed. I told myself she was just sleeping and would wake up for me any minute. But minutes were hours were days. Time stood still. I knew better.

I was in my nightmare, living it, wide awake.

I wanted to yell and scream. I wanted to break down and sob. But I didn’t. Instead I sat motionless, staring at her with wide eyes, scared to fucking blink. Waiting. Just fucking waiting like a helpless useless fucker. Just praying that she would open her eyes one more time.

“Colton, you need to calm down.” Even his voice pissed me off. I raked my hands through my hair. I could have ripped every fucking strand out by the root; my insides were on fire.

“What the hell is going on, Adam? You’re the fucking head of the ER. Why the fuck is she not in the goddamn CT scanner yet? It’s been fifteen minutes since I found her lying at the bottom of a fucking flight of stairs. Time is fucking brain tissue, you know that!” He needed to start giving me answers. Right fucking now.

“Chase, you’re too close to the situation. You shouldn’t be making medical decisions. Her parents are on the way; they should be here any minute. They’re her next of kin.”

“Don’t give me that next of kin bullshit, Adam. I’ll make any decision I fucking choose. She’s mine. Do you hear that? She’s the only thing I have. I won’t fucking lose her, so do me a goddamn favor and put her in the scanner.” I paced the room like a fucking caged lion, my fist aching to make contact with flesh. And not Dr. Adam Gupta’s either. Although, if he kept talking and didn’t start wheeling her fucking stretcher down the hall himself, I was adding him to the fucking list. “This is a level one trauma center with a fucking dozen multimillion dollar high speed scanners, for Christ’s sake.” Now, sixteen minutes. Fuck.

“As soon as I have all her labs back, she’ll go. Chase, listen to me, she is stable right now.” Just because she had a fucking pulse and decent blood pressure didn’t make her stable.

“Stable? She has a fucking Glascow Coma Scale of four. That is not fucking stable!” It was a step above a fucking vegetable. “Do you need a fucking brush up on emergency medicine? Anything below an eight is fucking severe, so either move her toward CT or I will. I have an OR open and waiting. If she’s got a fucking bleed, I need to get her up there now. Understand?” It wasn’t a fucking question.

Adam looked over my shoulder. “Chase, her family is here. You go talk to them. I’ll take care of her. I’ve got this.”

I closed my eyes and exhaled fire from my nose. You fucking better have her. I turned around and my chest got even heavier if that was possible.

Jim nodded his head with the saddest, most terrified look in his eyes, a look only a parent could have when faced with losing a child. A look that should had been seared into my fucking soul eighteen years ago, but no, my self-absorbed excuse for parents never had that look. Not the night of the crash, not the night they said Kimi would never wake up, not even the night she died. You only get that look when you fucking love someone more than yourself or your fucking country club membership. I didn’t have time to waste thinking about them. Not one fucking millisecond more.

I updated Jim and explained that we needed a scan before we made any decisions about surgery. He stared at me with those fucking eyes. And if they didn’t look just like my girl’s … fuck me. I wished he would punch me square in the face or curse me out. He had to blame me, and so he should. I told this man point blank I fucking loved his daughter, and this was how I protected her.

My insides sizzled with so much built-up rage I was sure I was in hell. And all because I told her to leave my case early. Alone. It had nothing to do with making a flight. I was a jealous imbecile, pissing on my territory and making the point that she was mine. I hated that Guy had tasted her sweet lips, even if the jackass was too drunk to remember. A stupid dick move that left my girl vulnerable, like she hadn’t been through enough.

And how the fuck did I miss how unstable that douchebag was? I kicked his ass out of my OR on more than one occasion because he always seemed dazed and confused. In hindsight, he was fucking strung out.

Damn it. This was all fucking wrong. All of it. She was so excited to spend the morning with her parents, to tell them about last night, about us, about being mine. She beamed when I kissed her delicious lips goodbye this morning.

We quietly stood together and watched transport wheel her lifeless body from the trauma bay toward CT. It ripped the fucking heart from my chest, slicing it back into a million pieces. Pieces my girl just stitched back together after all these years.

Adam interrupted our eerie silence, introducing himself to Jim, Sharon, and Sierra. “I’m sure Dr. Colton has explained the serious nature of Lili’s injuries. Her vital signs are currently stable, but she’s still unconscious, which is worrisome. We won’t know more until we have imaging studies back. She’s on her way to MRI as we speak.”

CT scan took thirty seconds and was the test of choice for a head injury. “Why the fuck did you send her for a MRI? That takes twenty minutes!”

Gupta stared at me like I had two heads. His mouth needed to start moving with an explanation because if his fucking incompetence wasted one more precious second of my girl’s time he was going to need brain surgery himself. And I sure as fuck wasn’t the one doing it. “As I said, her vitals are stable, as well as her blood count, so I felt it was safer to send her to MRI.”

“What! That makes no fucking sense.”

“I don’t get it! Why is that test safer? What the hell is he talking about, Chase?” Sierra pushed past Sharon and got right in my face. “Would you two mind breaking it down for the rest of us without a medical degree!”

There was no time for medicine 101. My whole life, the reason I woke up in the morning, the reason I breathed easy again—fuck the reason I breathed at all—was lying in a fucking magnet, probably hemorrhaging into her fucking brain. All because of a strung-out junkie who called himself a doctor. That useless piece of shit got caught stealing drugs from his anesthesia cart by his own girlfriend. Behind bars for fucking life was the only safe place for Carl Jennings.

That shit needed to wait. I needed to get a grip and focus if I was going to operate on her. Gupta looked like he was choosing his words carefully. “A CT scan is usually the test of choice, but it would expose Lili to a large amount of radiation and-” he continued, but all I heard was silence. The loneliest, most heartbreaking fucking silence imaginable. The vice around my chest where my heart had been ripped out tightened like a vacuum sucking all the fucking air from the open hallway.

“Doc, are you telling me my babydoll’s pregnant? Chase? You knew this?”

I ignored Jim’s question.

No. He was wrong. This was a fucking cruel mistake. Adam was wasting time with a MRI over a fucking lab error. Blue was not pregnant. She was OCD with taking her birth control pills. Same time, every day without fail. The thought of getting pregnant again scared the living shit out of her. It was her way of taking back control. She cried in my arms that day on the beach and told me next time she got pregnant it needed to be on her terms. Prenatal vitamins, the whole nine.

“It’s a mistake, the lab screwed up. Run it again.” I was surprised at how even toned and rational I was.

“Chase, I’m sorry, there is no mistake. Lili is pregnant. I can’t be the first to tell you that no birth control is one hundred percent, and a lot of things can interfere with the pill. Has she been sick?”

No fucking way. Period. This asshole was not speaking to me like I just walked into day one of medical school.

“Don’t give me that shit. She weighs a buck ten soaking wet and she’s not even on a low dose pill. Run the fucking test again. That ninety-seven percent effective bullshit has more to do with people fucking it up or it being too low of a dose. You know that-”

Sierra stopped me dead in my tracks. “Chase, she was … she was sick.”

“What the hell are you talking about? When was she sick? I would have known if she was.”

“She had a really bad urinary tract infection ... um ... when, when you were away.”

Away? I fought the sensation to vomit in the closest garbage can. I turned and sat in a chair. Fuck no, this was not happening, not now.

She meant the week I walked away. The week I tried to convince myself she was better off without my fucking demons. The week after that piece of shit forced her to relive being violated in court. The week I fucking pounded my fists to shit when I should have been home holding her against my chest. The week I tracked down that son of a bitch responsible for the vulnerable look in Blue’s eyes and informed him that he was never to step foot near her again. The bastard didn’t even deny it, didn’t even pick his hands up to defend himself when I knocked that smug look off his face. The eviction notice was the least of his worries. That week. The week she fucking needed me most.

The deafening beat down taking place in my head was a sharp contrast to the dead silence surrounding me. Jim and Sharon refused to look in my direction. Fuck, I wouldn’t look at me either. Shit. My poor girl was sick, pissing razor blades and I never knew about it. Worse, there was no doubt my insatiable need to bury my mouth and cock deep inside her sweetness every single chance I got caused the fucking UTI. I couldn’t help myself. Her smell, her taste, her tightness, the way our bare skin fit together were two pieces of a jacked puzzle that only made sense intertwined. She was my heaven. And with my sins, she was the only heaven I’d ever know.

I choked on the burning realization.

Blue was pregnant.

Pregnant with my child.

Our child.

We weren’t near ready yet, not by a longshot, but there was no doubt in my fucking mind that Lili would want this baby. Her miscarriage three years ago almost wrecked her. That bastard violated her and she conceived in the worst way imaginable, but she was still ready to love that kid, ready to be a mama. That’s who she was. Pure Sweet.

Utter devastation rocked my soul. And the only person to fucking blame on every single level was me. She trusted me. She loved me. Damn. I needed her to wake up so I could tell her over and over again how much I loved her. She was my baby.

The pain was indescribable. Cracking my chest open without anesthesia would have hurt less than the pain I was in.

I dug the heel of my hands deeper against my eyelids and stared at black. “The images are up. Want to come and look for yourself?” Adam asked. Was he fucking kidding?

“Of course I want to look at them.” I stood and the sick, empty pit in my stomach churned. It didn’t stop me from storming down the hall to the small dark cave housing the radiologist.

“Chase, I’m so sorry to hear about what happened to Lili. She’s a great girl, sweet and friendly.” Did he think I wanted to bullshit about how fucking friendly he found my girl?

“Let me see the images,” I hissed.

He looked like he was twenty-two. No chance in hell he was deciding the fate of my Blue.

He clicked the mouse and the two huge computer monitors filled with dozens of black, white and grey images. At least the cocky ass was smart enough to step back. I sat in his chair and scrolled through, image after image. You had to be fucking blind to miss the fracture in her skull. A fucking basilar skull fracture and enough diffuse cerebral edema to make her a wait-and-fucking-see case.

“FUUCK. Not again.” A stream of hot bile slid up my esophagus and scorched the back of my throat. Kimi lay in that bed for three fucking years, waiting and seeing, until I finally inherited my trust and flew in every fucking specialist with a pulse. The final consensus was a basilar artery hemorrhage that left her in a total locked in state. People thought being a vegetable was the worst possible fate. They were wrong. Take that nightmare and multiply it by a thousand and that was what my sister suffered through. She was wide awake and aware of everything, yes, fucking everything. But every voluntary muscle in her body, including her goddamn eyes were paralyzed. And none of us had a damn clue, for three fucking years.

My eyes darted back and forth, permanently burning every detail on the two screens into my memory. No matter how many ways I flipped Lili’s images, the diagnosis was the same, the reality was the same. “Fuck.” There was nothing to operate on, no quick fix. “Cancel the OR.” I pushed away from the desk before I put my fist through the screen. Eighteen years later and I was still left waiting and seeing. I stormed out of the dark room squinting against the blinding hallway fluorescents. How the hell radiologists functioned in the dark was beyond me.

“Chase, I called Taylor Hines, head of neurology. She’s on her way in.”

“Well, fucking call her and send her back to her goddamn Labor Day picnic.”

“Chase, I hear you, man, but she’s not a surgical candidate. Take a step back and think like a doctor for a second. Let Taylor manage her. You are way too close.”

Again, with the too close? This woman was my everything. My lifeless heart beat again the first time she nailed me with those blue eyes. My boiling resentment toward the world melted the night she said she trusted me, and my suffocating guilt stopped strangling me the day she said she loved me. Fuck you, too close.

Gupta stared at me, unsure if I was gonna flip out and start throwing shit or slip into a deep dark depression. Honestly, either was a real possibility.

“Fine, I don’t care who you call. I’m not too arrogant to get another pair of experienced hands on deck. And while you’re at it, call the Chief of OB. Have her meet me-”

“CODE BLUE MRI”

“CODE BLUE MRI!” blared through the hospital’s overhead speaker system.

“CODE BLUE MRI”

“CODE BLUE MRI!”

My feet took off and I sprinted down the hall. I pushed past half the twenty person code team to get in the fucking room. My feet felt like fucking lead. Like I just got slathered in cement. Her naked breasts bounced with every forceful thrust; her ribs cracked with each chest compression. The air bag they used to pump oxygen into her lungs blocked my view of her face. It was a clip from a horror movie.

“Hold compression!” someone screamed over the commotion. Everyone froze and looked toward the monitor. I still couldn’t see my girl past the chaos. Voices started echoing from every direction.

“Asystole.”

“Resume CPR.”

“Another round of epi...”

The flat line on the screen arrested my heart. I was dying. I was dead.

“She’s not responding, it’s been twenty minutes.”

“We’ve done six rounds of epi.” The voices got more muffled, more hopeless.

She was lying there motionless and … alone. I broke through the cement. She needed me. She wasn’t going to be alone. I wasn’t leaving her alone. I rushed to the head of the bed. Finally seeing her eyes, I was consumed by an overwhelming sense of peace. Honest and pure peace, heaven.

“Stop compressions.”

“I’m calling it … time of death 2:57 PM.” The dominant voice stopped the chatter. He was calling it. It was over. I closed her lifeless eyes. I walked out of the room.

When I reached an empty hallway, I bent over and fought for more oxygen. Thank fucking god, I breathed.

“Chase, oh shit. Are you okay? I thought it was Lili too, man. I can’t imagine what was going through your mind … she already went to the ICU.” Adam kept talking. “You need anything?”

Inhale.

Exhale.

I breathed really fucking hard. “Yeah, my team and the KimCore.”

“But Chase, hypothermia induction is contraindicated. She’s pregnant.”

Like I needed a fucking reminder.

Inhale.

Exhale.

“No shit, but I need to do something to get the swelling down, and there aren’t many options. I’m not gonna just sit back and let THAT fucking happen to her, Adam. If I lose her, I lose the baby too. So just get my fucking team ready.” Fuck.

I left Adam for the stairwell. Taking two at a time, I cursed the entire way up to the tenth floor. But I needed the time to get my head back in the game, to process what the fuck just happened. I didn’t know who the girl was, but if she had a husband, I knew him. For two excruciating minutes, I was him. And he just died too.

Jim and Sharon were pacing outside the ICU entrance. When he saw me approach, Jim looked me square in the eyes. “It’s okay, son. What’s going on? We need to know. I want the truth.”

“It’s not good, Jim. You should sit.” I owed him the truth. He deserved it.

“I don’t want to sit, I want to know what’s going on with my daughter. Just tell us already.”

“She fractured her skull right here.” I touched right behind Jim’s ear. I wasn’t going to sugar coat it. “Most likely from the blunt force of hitting her head against the cement wall or from the accelerated speed of the downward fall on the stairs. But that’s not the most worrisome finding—it’s the widespread brain swelling that’s the issue right now. It’s why she’s not waking up, the reason she’s in the coma. We need to get the swelling down to minimize the risk of long-term damage. The swelling prevents oxygen from perfusing the brain, and without oxygen, the tissue is at risk of dying.”

“Oh no, not our Lili.” Sharon cried and slapped a hand over her mouth. They were finally grasping the magnitude of Lili’s injuries. “She’s gonna wake up, right? Say she’s gonna wake up.”

“We’re moving as fast as we can, and time is on our side since the accident happened in the hospital. We started some IV medications to reduce some of the swelling. But it might not be enough, we might have to make some tough decisions...”

We. Shit. What if Jim wasn’t on board with what needed to be done? Adam was right. Jim was technically her next of kin. His support was imperative when I made the most crucial decision of my life.

I’d given this exact speech to distraught families more times than I cared to remember. At least it wasn’t the speech going on downstairs. Fuck, that could have been Blue. My heart ached; it fucking ached.

“Do what you need to do, Chase, I trust you. Lili trusts you.” His words sucker punched my gut. Lili trusts you. “Just save my babydoll.” Jim pulled his wife tighter to his side as his own tears pooled. Jim Porter just left his daughter’s life completely in my hands. FUCK. That was his blessing. Do what you need to do.

I swiped my ID card and walked into the ICU. A nurse led me to Lili’s glass encased room. She looked so small and peaceful lying there, my girl. Just like she did every sunrise when I left her dreaming. But the scene was all fucking wrong. She wasn’t curled in a naked ball under our soft sheets. She was propped flat on her back in a sterile blue hospital gown. And I didn’t need to tuck her brown curls away to kiss the tip of her nose because the fucking white bandage around her head kept her blood-soaked hair tied back. And her face didn’t look like perfect porcelain, instead her raccoon eyes were ten times darker than when I found her at the bottom of the stairs. And she wasn’t in our warm bed that smelled like sex, she was in a cold intensive care unit that reeked of fucking Lysol. Worst of all, she wasn’t soundly sleeping. She was in a fucking coma.

I scooted a chair against her bed. I wanted to be closer. Hell, I wanted to climb in. I needed a minute alone with her, a minute to explain. She needed to hear this from me. I promised her truth. Always. A promise I broke once and wasn’t going to do again.

I held her small hand against my face, maneuvering her IV tubing out of the way. The rhythm of the monitors filled the silence. I closed my eyes and did something I hadn’t done in eighteen years. Prayed.

The last time I prayed, I was in a sterile room similar to this. But it was my sister lying in the bed. I remember lifting her paralyzed eyelids. She was awake. Pure anguish and nothing but an empty darkness haunted her lifeless eyes. After being abandoned by her family for three long years and trapped in her own fucking mind while schizophrenic maniacs raped her, with no hope of escape … I only had to ask once. She was my twin, my other half, and her tears were answer enough. If hell was my destiny, so be it. My selfishness put her there; I was willing to sacrifice eternity to set her free. It was like closing a curtain over a mirror when I shut her eyes. Her light was gone. There was nothing but darkness. It is time to close your eyes. My world went dark too.

Eyes clenched, head bowed, a serious fucking prayer. Not for Kimi, because she was pure, innocent and heaven called her by her first name. But selfishly, I prayed for myself, for my own salvation. Then I hummed. Our favorite song. A song that Kimi and I played a million times while we sat in the sand with the sun at our backs and the wind in our hair. The crash of the ocean waves created a constant rhythm as we strummed our guitars. Music was our happy place. One last time.

I never expected forgiveness, nor did I deserve it. The harsh truth was I made the decision and deserved to carry the burden of guilt. The harsher truth was I would do it again for my sister in a fucking heartbeat.

So after that day, I made a solemn vow and permanently marked myself as a reminder. First do no harm. That was going to be my truth.

A lifetime later, I was ready to pray again.

“I’m sorry, baby, but this is my truth.” I kissed her open palm. “Now I need a simple promise from you. I need you to wake up. Please, baby, I can’t breathe without you.”

“Ahem, Dr. Colton, I’m Dr. Quinn Finley from OB. I can come back…”

Shit, I thought I asked for no interruptions. I lifted my gaze from Lili’s face to see a slender woman with long blonde hair standing in the doorway, looking entirely too chipper for my liking.

“No, it’s fine, call me Chase.” Enough with fucking formalities.

“Dr. Gupta filled me in, I’d like to do an ultrasound as soon as possible. Is now a good time?”

I nodded.

A few short minutes later the tiny fluid-filled sac appeared on the screen. Our baby. The small white flicker contrasted against the black image. I brought Lili’s hand to my lips and held it there. She would have loved this. This was all fucking wrong. I should have been wiping away those sweet happy tears, not holding her comatose hand.

“By gestational sac and fetal pole, she’s about six weeks. But even this early, I usually like to see a faster heartbeat. It may have just started beating and that’s why it’s a bit slower. We will just have to wait and see.”

Wait and fucking see.

“We will scan her again in a day or so and reevaluate the strength.” She unplugged the portable ultrasound and neatly tucked Blue under the blanket. Her face was somber. “I wish I had more to tell you.”

Me too.

Now I was left with a decision. I walked out toward the ICU nurses’ station and saw my team waiting. They all looked distraught.

“Chase, man, I just heard, what the fuck?” Jack shook his head. “I can’t believe that asshole, fucking strung out on his own anesthesia meds.”

“How is she?” Guy asked.

“Same. She needs the KimCore. Got to get this swelling down if she has a fucking chance of waking up ... intact.” They knew exactly what I meant. Coming out of a coma after a traumatic brain injury was one thing, but waking up without residual damage to deal with for the rest of your life was another fucking matter completely. “Get the sterile tray set up, I’m doing it.” I waited for the whole conflict of interest bullshit to come up, but it didn’t. My team knew better.

“No problem. I’m on it.” Guy rolled in the cart holding the small pump that regulated temperature and the packaged cooling catheter and tubing. The unit I spent eighteen hours a day working on to develop. The unit that might have given my sister a fucking chance if it had existed the night of her accident. Kimi’s unit. I rubbed the burn behind my sternum. I wondered if this was what a heart attack felt like.

“Chase, you okay?”

“No.” I wasn’t. I wouldn’t be until my girl was awake and smiling again.

Her groin was prepped and draped and I placed my fingers over her pulse. Her pulse was my lifeline. It was our connection. We were perfectly synced. There was no way I was going to let this pulse stop beating.

The tiny catheter slid easily into position and the cool liquid infiltrated her system. I hated that only time would tell. I sunk into the chair that became my new home and did the only thing I could. I waited. And I prayed.

Hours turned into days. People came and went, but I never budged. Kate and Leanne, my driver Pete, even her security buddies and her fucking cart guy came to show their support. I wasn’t surprised. Blue was selfless. She accepted everyone, no questions asked. She listened and never judged. These people fucking loved her. She loved them just the same. She was pure sweet in every sense of the word. And she was mine.

I ate, slept and showered, never leaving the tenth floor. Asher showed up a day after the attack and parked his ass by my side. If it weren’t for him, I’d be in the same scrubs, eating fucking saltines. He was my only connection to the outside world.

Forty-eight hours passed in a fucking blur. “Chase, it’s time to pull the catheter. She’s completely rewarmed.” Guy pulled me from my groggy state. I lifted my heavy head from her bed; no more words were spoken.

Guy and Sam rounded to the other side of her bed and hesitated. My residents were waiting for the go-ahead. I nodded and rubbed Lili’s hand. It no longer felt like ice. Guy folded the blanket over, uncovering her bare groin. Fuck, I hated how exposed she was. I closed my eyes. I couldn’t watch.

It was an agonizingly slow five seconds.

Sam finally spoke. “You want us to sandbag the area?” I snapped my eyes open and nailed him with my answer. Was this kid fucking kidding me? “It’s okay ... um … we’ll hold pressure.” Sam sounded embarrassed.

Yes, you fucking will, do I ever fucking sandbag anyone?

Thirty-five minutes later, Sam hadn’t moved. The kid was a fucking statue holding pressure over the spot where the catheter was removed. His face was the color of a beet and his eyes never dared to stray from the ceiling tiles, avoiding her nakedness under his white knuckled grip. Good kid.

The sun set behind the glass window, only the night sky illuminated the small room. Time was irrelevant. I hummed her favorite song. Our song. I wouldn’t give up on her, on us. It didn’t matter how long; I would never give up on her coming back to me. God knows we’re worth it.

“Chase.” I heard that voice too many times in my dreams to count. I had to be fucking delirious. “Dr. Handsome.” The death grip I had around her fingers tightened, but it wasn’t my force squeezing. I was scared to lift my head and open my eyes. Too many times my dreams had vanished when I woke up to my nightmare. “Chase…” It was low and broken, but it was her voice. In this very moment my nightmare ended and my dream became a reality. I breathed for the first time in two fucking days, a deep fucking breath. The hot tears that I struggled to keep bottled up since I found her lifeless body poured like a faucet. Her trembling hand tried to ruffle my hair, and I buried my face deeper into her side. I couldn’t get close enough.

“Hey, you ... you’re scaring me. Chase, look at me.” Her voice was so fucking frail, just above a whisper. She sounded like an angel.

My girl was back. Her crystal glass blue eyes were open. Heavy and drug-laden, but open. She was wide awake and asking me to look at her. Her face was still swollen, her bruising now black. She was gorgeous.

I caressed her cheeks and showered her perfect face with gentle kisses. “You came back to me. Fuck baby, I love you so much, so much.” Never again would an hour pass without her hearing how much I loved her.

“Chase, what ... why are you-”

“I know you’re confused, baby, it’s normal. But you’re awake, you’re talking and you’re mine. Sweet fuck. Christ, I could have lost you.”

“Hey ... you didn’t lose me. I’m right here with you.” She couldn’t really lift her head from the pillow but weakly pulled my face to hers and kissed my nose. Fuck, if I hadn’t done that to her sweet face a million times. It was the softest, sweetest kiss. Her warm lips were my heaven.

Then a shadow crossed her face. “I remember … Chase, I remember everything. The stairwell, CJ ... he was … oh my god, it was Jennings ... and then I fell. My head … it hurts so bad.” She cringed and clenched her eyes while she attempted to grab the back of her head.

“Baby, don’t touch, you have a nice sized gash back there. We’ll get you some more pain meds. We didn’t want to give you too much that you couldn’t wake up.” Shit, I could only imagine how fucking bad her head hurt.

“What about poor Kate, is she okay? Oh god, did he do something to her?” My selfless girl had her head bashed in by a fucking lunatic, was in a coma for two days, had so much brain swelling she needed to have her body temperature dropped so low she almost shivered off the fucking bed, and she was worried about her girlfriend. I loved this woman.

“Kate’s fine. Don’t worry about her. And Jennings, he’s a fucking drug addict rotting in a jail cell. He won’t hurt you or anyone else again.”

“Sierra ... and the baby? Oh god, she’s gonna be worried about me. It can’t be good for the baby.”

“Shhh. Sierra’s fine too. She’s actually downstairs on labor and delivery. She broke her water this morning. Otherwise, she’d probably still be up here driving me fucking crazy. Looks like you woke up just in time. You’re gonna be an aunt sometime tonight.”

“This morning, what ... wait, what day is it?” Her brows shot up in confusion.

“Wednesday night, baby. You’ve been in a coma.” Damn. I hated the panic on her face.

“A coma? What? Did my dad know? Oh god.” She was still worried about everyone else. Pure fucking sweet.

“It’s okay, baby, look at me. Everyone knows. Everyone’s been here patiently waiting for you to wake up.” I smiled for the first time in days. Fuck, it felt so good. I pressed the call button and told the ICU nurse she was awake and to get her morphine drip ready.

“I sent your dad and Sharon back to my place a few hours ago. They needed some sleep—they haven’t left your side. They were exhausted, but they’ll want to hear your voice. Let me get them on the phone. You okay to talk?”

She nodded.

While she talked to her dad, I texted Dodd and Asher.

AWAKE!

My girl looked so weak, pale and battered talking on the phone, but she was talking. It was the best fucking sight in the world. She hung up and smiled at me, nothing but love in her eyes.

She wasn’t going to rest peacefully until everyone was accounted for, so before she asked, I gave her the rundown. “Dodd texted back. Sierra just got her epidural. He’ll keep us in the loop and have her call once she’s comfortable. Just so you know, she hasn’t stopped bawling since she found out you’re awake.”

“She’s never gonna let me live this one down. Poor Dodd.” She half smiled. “Was she that bad?”

“Put it this way, baby, I finally figured out the whole Asspuck name. She’s ... a lot ... and be glad you’re not down there. Dodd basically made it sound like he has been doing nothing but wiping fluids ... fluids dripping from too many orifices.”

“Ow, don’t make me laugh.” She winced in pain when she chuckled. But she laughed. She was awake and laughing.

“Do you have any idea how many times I’ve pictured your beautiful smile?”

She bit her bottom lip and did that thing where her smile goes a little crooked, driving me crazy. So fucking sweet. “Careful, baby, that’s the face that puts me over the edge. And I need you better. We have plans. Lots of plans, involving some quality healing time at the Cape ... naked.”

She groaned and coaxed me to come closer to her frail body. Her arms and legs freely moved. Thank fucking god.

I climbed into the way too small bed, and she curled against my chest. She was so thin, her ribs pressed against me and I felt her heartbeat. The best feeling. Then she wiggled her left hand in the air.

“I’ll make you a deal, me naked ... for a lifetime with you.”

Fuck, yes. Was she implying what I fucking hoped? If this was a dream, fucking leave me in it.

“Are you saying you’re ready, Blue? Because I’ll marry you tomorrow, baby, truth.” Truth. No sooner did the word come out of my mouth, I knew I had to tell her. If she was going to promise me forever, she deserved to know. She deserved truth. “There’s something else I need to tell you, baby. Something you need to know before you can promise me forever.”

“Let me guess.” She coughed and winced in pain, but she was still smiling. “You don’t know the first thing about hockey, do you, Dr. Know-it-all?” Her smile never wavered, but the look she gave me said something completely different. She was giving me an out. And her blue eyes were begging me to take it. Battered and weak, she was trying to protect my sorry ass. No more.

“Hate the fucking game, but you already knew that, baby ... but that’s not what I’m talking about. I need you to listen, Blue. I need you to know what I’ve done ... who I am.”

“Shh-shh.” Her finger covered my lips. “You listen. I know all I need to know. I know you love me. I know you’d do anything for me. I’m ready to spend the rest of my life as yours. Yours. Whatever you have to say, whatever you may have done, isn’t going to change that. Ever. I’m not blind, Chase, I see it. I still see the pain in your eyes. I see the weight you carry on your shoulders. And when you’re ready, you’ll tell me. When you’re ready. Not for me, but for you. You waited for me; I’ll wait for you. We have forever.”

The knock on the door interrupted the sweetest, gentlest kiss of my life.

“Hi Lili. I’m Dr. Finley. It’s awesome to see you awake.” She was still too fucking chipper, given the fact that forty-eight hours ago she was concerned about the viability of our baby. Fuck. The baby Lili had no clue about yet.

I sighed, slid off her bed and kissed the tip of her nose. Now or never. I would have done anything to shield her from more pain, but she needed to hear this from me. This was too fucking cruel. “Baby, there’s more, but I need you to be strong. Dr. Finley is an OBGYN, she’s here to check you out.”

Her smile fucking vanished..

“OB?” she whispered. “I’m pregnant? Or are you telling me I was pregnant?” Her voice was so small and broken. I fucking hated myself. I wished I had more time to explain. It didn’t help that Chipper was in the room ready to chime in.

“Lili, you’re very early on, about six weeks. The baby has been through a lot, so we need to do an ultrasound to see where things stand.”

Lili eyes welled. This sucked.

Salty tears spilled down her cheeks and wet my lips, as she mumbled, “I’m sorry, so sorry.”

I sat back to look her in the eyes. “Sorry? Why are you sorry? Baby, there is absolutely nothing for you to be sorry about. Nothing. Do you hear me? We made this baby together. I love you, more than anything.”

She thought I regretted that she was pregnant. Fuck no. She needed to know I was never upset about the baby. I wasn’t that same selfish scared kid. She wasn’t going to suffer this loss alone.

I leaned in close and whispered back, “Truth, baby. I want this as much as you. I’m the one who’s sorry.” I made the call that cost us our baby. I couldn’t speak past the burn in my throat, so I nodded in Quinn’s direction. Prolonging the inevitable was not going to help.

Quinn positioned the ultrasound probe low on her abdomen. I zeroed in to the same dark sac that was there two days ago, and waited ... and there it was ... the tiny white flicker. A heartbeat.

“Lili, there’s your baby,” Quinn said in the best chipper voice and pointed to the screen.

My Blue gasped before breaking out into a smile that passed her beautiful blue eyes and pierced my fucking heart. Then there they were, just like they were supposed to be—her tears of joy streamed down her face.

“The heartbeat looks much stronger today, I’m pleased. But as I explained to Chase the other day, it really is too soon to tell. First trimester exposures to any extremes, whether it be drugs, radiation or even temperature, they usually have an all or nothing effect. You and your body have been through a lot, Lili. We will just have to wait and see.”

Blue looked at me. She said it herself; she was so not blind. She got it. “Temperature? You used the KimCore on me, didn’t you?”

“I had to, baby. I couldn’t lose you. I couldn’t just sit around waiting and seeing.” Please understand. Please forgive me.

“You saved me, Chase. You’re the reason I woke up. Don’t you dare second-guess yourself. You made the right choice. You always do, you always have.” Her eyes locked on mine with an intensity I’d never seen before, like somehow she knew what I needed to hear, like somehow she knew what I’d done. Her eyes told me she knew. I didn’t know how or to what extent. But she knew. I wished she would repeat those words one day when I was brave enough to say it out loud. When I was ready to forgive myself for the only choice I had.

Fuck waiting and seeing.

We were getting married. We were having a baby. We were a family.

In the words I learned from my beautiful selfless girl—fuck guilt, fuck sleep-running. No more pauses, no more rewinds. This was playing out live. Forever started now. I tucked her into my side and kissed her sweet nose.

“My girl’s gonna be a mama. I love you, Blue.”

Acknowledgments

We fell in love with Chase and Lili over a two-week beach vacation and way more than two bottles of wine. But bringing their story to life took us a year, a seriously long year, of late night writing, editing, laughing, rewriting, and A LOT more editing to get it done. But we did it, we finally finished our first book! We would have never been able to do it without each other, nor would we have wanted to. When anyone asks who wrote “those” scenes, we have the perfect answer: “She did.” By the end, we were literally typing together—thanks to a shared Google document—and finishing each other sentences! Every minute was a blast (ok, not every minute, but most) and through it all we aren’t sick of each other yet. Our friendship has grown to unattainable heights! Love you, Asspuck. Right back at ya! Ready for round two?

But it was the unbelievable support of some amazing people along our way that made it possible to push the publish button … eek!

To our smokin’ hot, sexy, heart-stopping husbands and five perfect children who kept our secret, encouraged us to write outside the box and indulged us when we completely tuned out and grunted answers because we were half listening and half writing. Your two cents is most important and always will be. We love you ... you are our HEAs. That’s truth!

Lori Sabin, our talented editor: You took us on a whim, you endured our iPhone edits, and you undoubtedly, hands down, have the politest way of saying rewrite it again, still too long. You made us more concise, you made our surgeon a little more sanitary, you made our straight quotes (the ones that ruined your vacation) curly, and most importantly, you made us work insanely hard to see you write “love”... you don’t throw the L word around lightly. And when we were toning down you gave us the courage to bring back the “steam.” You are truly inspiring and unbelievably patient. Thank you just does not suffice … and to think all we had to offer you was CRUMBS.

All of our girls … you know who you are ... please don’t be mad. No more secrets, we promise! Hopefully you will recognize a taste of each of you and your humor. You were with us every step of the way, even if you didn’t know it. You gave us examples of true friendship to write about and endless supplies of laughs! You are all our Sierra. Thanks for making each day a little lighter, a little funnier and making us realize everyone is a teensy bit bat-shit crazy. Just sayin’!

To our parents: Surprise! We wrote a book—cue, mumble under breath—a contemporary romance with some, um … racy scenes. In true amazing parent fashion, as always, your pride and support outshined your shock. Sorry we disappeared for a year! But you taught us to finish what you start and never give up …Yes, I can. Thank you for that.

To our siblings: Thanks for NOT telling Mom and Dad right away and being sketchy beta readers for us … LOL!

To Jill & company: Even though you failed at beta reading, sista, you came through big time with our amazingly sleek and modern website … not to mention the tats (wink ;)). And who would answer all of our endless social media questions at any hour, day or night? You’re the best.

To our Betas: Tosha, Rebecca, Dawnita, Maria, Michelle, Sarah, and Robin … thank you for your brutal honesty and your thoughtful feedback. And you read the unabridged version! You can all take full credit for the disappearing honeys and handsomes, for hopefully succeeding in getting us out of our head (yes, we think we became Lili) and for encouraging a quick title change. Sorry—Asspuck was way too important to us, and believe it or not, we did change the epilogue (it’s a whole lot shorter). We had no idea what to expect when we hit send—we weren’t kidding about the nervous stomach—but you set the bar for generosity with your time and support. We can’t wait to pay it forward.

To our cover designer and formatter Emily Tippetts: Your step-by-step tutorial on just about anything and everything was invaluable. You rock. Our cover is beautiful—we love it! You captured our vision and tolerated our crazy tweaking to reach that perfect shade of blue. And ohhh, the bracelet … it was a must and a great lesson learned. Find the vision then write about it. Not vice versa. Thanks for not “killing us” for every mock up change. Who knew moving font up and down on the back cover was so important?

And last, to all of our readers and supporters: You make us want to do it all again in a heartbeat! Thanks for reading and spending your free time giving the new girls some love. We appreciate it beyond words!

To see our Chase and Lili inspirations visit our Pinterest page.

We would love to hear from you, find us at our website, like us on Facebook or follow us on twitter.

Please leave a review on Goodreads, Amazon or your place of sale … it will inspire us to keep going!

…...Stay tuned for Asher’s story---2014!!!

Riley Mackenzie is plural. As two East Coast girls separated by a tiny thirteen-mile strip of water, they have succeeded at keeping their five children busy and their husbands of eleven years entertained, all while maintaining careers as physician assistants. They both love to travel, but agree that curling up with an angsty romance (on a beach, in a rainforest, in a skyscraper, on top of a volcano) is just as good. The pair met in 1999 during PA school and waited to take on this writing endeavor until they were diagnosed with overflowing life responsibility, requiring self-prescribed outlets. Beautifully Awake is the result.

This ebook was designed and formatted by

www.emtippettsbookdesigns.blogspot.com

Artisan ebooks for discerning authors and publishers.

Content

Beautifully Awake
by
Riley Mackenzie

Prologue

1 July first

2 Chiseled

3 Rosa's

4 Blue scrubs

5 Sake

6 Blood bath

7 Pause

8 First do not harm

9 Surgeon and details

10 Beneath your beautiful

11 Benchmarks

12 New reality

13 Girl coffee

14 Clear skin

15 Papers

16 Taking a STAND

17 Bruised

18 Rain

19 Weight

20 Color

21 Pure steel

22 Voice

23 Brushed nickel

24 Leveled

25 We're good

26 Long and firm

27 Awake

28 HEA

29 Stairs

Epilogue

Acknowledgments