(Never) Again

by

Theresa Paolo

To my parents, John and Carol, for always having faith in me even when I didn’t.

Chapter 1

I’ve never been bitch slapped. Technically. But after the last few months I can imagine how it feels. If life had hands, its fingers would have imprinted on my cheek.

Two weeks into my first semester at Farmingdale State, I walked into the English building like I always did with my best friend, Sadie, on my right and my boyfriend, Joe, on my left.

Joe’s fingers interlocked with mine, and I leaned my head against his narrow shoulder. When he told me he’d be attending the same college as me I nearly tackled him. It made up for the disappointment of not making it into my dream school.

Sadie strutted beside us, black hair accented by a braided headband, falling in waves on her shoulders. Emerald chandelier earrings that her parents bought her on their last trip to India swayed with each step.

Joe released my hand as we got closer to our group of new and old friends. He needed it free for high fiving and back patting.

Nothing seemed off. The halls were filled with people, their voices no louder than usual, but as we closed in on my Principles of Writing class, I realized there was someone who didn’t belong.

At least not anymore.

He was taller, his arms bigger, his hair not as messy as I remembered, but those dark brown eyes were exactly the same. He was standing against the wall, his t-shirt hugging biceps that were nonexistent last time I saw him, and he was talking to my friends. Some of the same friends we’d shared before he left.

My stomach twisted in knots when over the din of the hallway chaos, I heard his voice. I kept my head up and tried to ignore the fact he was back, but when his head turned towards me, I panicked. Without a single word to either Sadie or Joe, I dove into the girls’ bathroom.

I stared at my reflection in the mirror, shocked to see the tears building. It had been over a year, yet as soon as my eyes settled on him, every emotion I felt a year ago flooded back into me.

“Liz?” Sadie’s voice drifted into the bathroom. Her heels clicked on the tile until she came to a stop beside me. “Oh my God! Did you know Zach was here? Of all places? When did that happen? I mean, I never thought we’d see him again.” She paused and then rested her hand on my shoulder. Her other hand brushed the blond highlights out of my face. “Liz? Are you okay?”

My grip tightened on the sink, my hazel eyes unfocused. It had taken me a long time—too long—to get over Zach, and when I’d finally moved on, he showed up at my college, instantly transporting me back to our junior year of high school. I tried to fight the memories from flooding my mind, but it was no use. I was already back to that day on the football field.

I had wondered why I couldn’t be like every other girl drooling over the quarterback. No, my eyes drifted to the boy at his side, the one who handed him the microphone. There was something about him. His curly mess of brown hair, his lanky frame and his size-too-big clothes made quarterback Smith Johnson completely invisible to me.

“Hello?” Sadie snapped her fingers in front of my face, bringing me back to the English building’s girls’ bathroom. “Welcome back. You had me nervous for a second there. I was about to throw water in your face, but I didn’t know if you had on waterproof mascara.”

Prime example of why this girl was my best friend.

“Do you think he saw me?”

“I don’t know. You dove in here so fast, I’d be surprised if he did.”

I nodded, unable to do anything else. The last thing I expected was to see Zach again. For months I had waited to hear his voice or see his face, but I’d finally accepted the fact that he’d probably met someone else and moved on. It had been over a year since he’d left. The summer before senior year of high school was the last time I’d seen Zach in person.

“So, are you going to ask him?”

“Ask him what?” I had nothing to say to him and I sure as hell did not want to see his stupid face.

“Why he stopped calling?”

I flashed my death stare.

“What? You have the right to know why he didn’t have the decency to break up with you.”

I flashed the same look but with a little more intensity. She raised her hands in front of me in surrender, bangles sliding down her wrists. “I’m just saying. It wouldn’t have killed him to pick up the damn phone.”

“Can we just not talk about this?” I turned back to the mirror and massaged my temples, hoping to rid my mind of all things Zach.

Sadie planted her hands firmly on her hips. “Fine, but if you don’t ask him, I will.”

“No!” My hands fell from my head, and I met her gray eyes in the mirror. “Sadie, no, please.”

The gray of her eyes disappeared as they rolled behind her eyelids. She crossed her arms and shook her head. “I watched you cry over him for an entire summer.”

It had been the longest summer of my life, and she’d never left my side. She had even convinced her parents to let her stay with me while they went to India for their yearly visit. She gave up time with her Dida and Dadu for me.

“I know.”

Her head started to do that bobble thing it did. “You can’t mess with my best friend and expect me to let it go.”

“Please, Sadie? I’m over it. I’m with Joe now. Zach means nothing to me.”

Sadie’s eyes settled on mine. “Are you sure? You can finally get the closure you always wanted.”

She was right. I had never gotten closure. Zach and I never officially broke up. I hated life. I was so mad about everything. His dad’s job for taking him away back when we didn’t have a say in where we lived. Him for not calling. My brother who I found out still emailed him about video games.

Everything.

A hard lump formed in my throat, but I pushed the words around it. “I don’t need it anymore.”

She gave me the look, the one that said I don’t believe you, but I’ll pretend until I can corner you at our apartment. “You good then?”

I nodded. “I’m good.”

At least I thought I was. It had taken a long time to forget about Zach, but the day had eventually come. Now, just as I thought my life was on a one-way track to happiness, a fork formed in the road, and I found myself hiding in the bathroom like a coward.

Chapter 2

At some point between hyperventilating and doing my shake-off dance, I got myself together. But I still needed a pep talk with my reflection and Sadie to drag me out of the bathroom.

When I took my seat in class I checked my cell phone.

Joe: Babe where’d you go?

Me: Sorry. Saw Prof Mulligan, had to ask a question. Committee stuff. Thought I said bye.

So I lied. Big deal. It’s not like Joe really needed to know the truth. He was my boyfriend and I wasn’t hiding anything from him. I wouldn’t.

I tucked my phone back into my bag and focused on the words of my latest assignment. I took a deep breath and assured myself everything was going to be okay. So what if Zach wasn’t halfway across the freaking country anymore? But why was Zach back? You know what, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was I was happy and I was with Joe.

Joe made me happy. The way he always held my hand so everyone would know we were together, and how loved and wanted it made me feel. How he knew when I was having a bad day and would find ways to make me laugh. I loved how super excited he got over the simplest things like rolling a strike when we went bowling, or getting to watch his friends’ band play. His excitement was contagious, infecting me and everyone around us. But what I loved most about him,was that he had been there to help pick up the pieces as I clawed my way out of my lowest point.

Zach was my past, and there was no reason to talk to him anyway. I could go on with my life as if he had never come back. Nothing had to change. It was a big campus. And I didn’t live in the dorms.

My plan would have worked. It was a good plan.

Life had a different plan.

* * *

As soon as I looked back to Professor Schneider, there was Zach, tight t-shirt and all, standing at the front of the classroom and scanning the room.

Zach talked with the professor for a moment and then pointed to me and the empty seat beside me. He might as well have pointed a gun. My hands clammed up, my heart raced—I was as good as dead.

The way he strutted over annoyed me most. This new confidence made him seem arrogant, as if I’d been waiting for this moment from the minute he left. Yeah right.

Zach slid into the desk and leaned towards me, but unfortunately, I had nowhere to go. I raised my hand to block my view of him and turned my body away. If I turned any more, I would have looked like I was sent to sit in time-out. I felt like a vise was gripping my heart.

“Hey, Lizzie,” he said. Just like that. Like we were old-time buds, and he’d never broken my heart. And he called me Lizzie! No one called me that. He was the only person who ever called me Lizzie and just hearing it again caused the vise to tighten.

“That’s not my name!” I snapped.

Zach shot his hand up in defense. “Whoa. Down, girl.”

Professor Schneider began class, but Zach didn’t move away. His attention stayed focused on me.

He tilted his head, a dark eyebrow arched. “I’m sorry. Liz?”

After all that time I was still a sucker when it came to him. I gave in and turned to see what else he had to say.

“I just . . . I just don’t want things to be weird between us.”

“They aren’t!” I didn’t think I could sound so nasty whispering, but mission accomplished.

The guy in front of us turned, a finger over his lips, and shushed us. Zach raised an apologetic hand and the guy turned back in his chair. You’d think that would be enough to shut Zach up, but it only made him move closer. I hated the fact I liked his cologne. And as much as I didn’t want it to, my body betrayed me, responding to his scent, his closeness, but I’d be damned if I gave in to the desire to be closer to him. I hated him. He hurt me. And even if my hormones were willing to forget, my mind wasn’t.

“Oh, come on. I saw you dive into the bathroom earlier.” His voice softened.

He saw me. Shit!

“No, I didn’t.” I folded my arms, trying not to notice him. It was impossible. I could sense him staring at me, waiting for me to turn so he could tell if I was lying or not.

So many things were different. So much time was between us. I wasn’t the same girl as I was a year ago. I was in college now, living on my own. But my lip still twitched when I lied. I had attempted to control it to no avail. It was as if my mouth tried to stop me from letting the lie out.

If I looked at Zach now, he would make me repeat myself and my lip would betray me. I didn’t want him to know he had any effect on me. I didn’t want him back in my life.

“Fine. I guess I was mistaken,” he said as he moved his desk away.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

Zach didn’t talk to me for the rest of the class. Which I was fine with, though, I still felt as if he was looking at me, and it made me uncomfortable. Of course he came back into my life the day my outfit sucked and I just threw my hair into a messy ponytail. Damn Sadie for making me go to that frat party last night. Though the blond highlights I’d recently gotten made it look a little more stylish.

I had overslept too. I never overslept. Even after a night of partying. I should have known then that today was going to royally suck.

The professor couldn’t end class fast enough.

After Zach’s comment about my bathroom dash, I didn’t want to prove him right. So instead of high-tailing it out of class as I so desperately wanted to, I took my time getting ready to leave.

My entire body, mind and soul were trying to race me out the door, but I slowly put my books in my bag and when at least four people had left, I began my exit. I didn’t realize that he had started walking simultaneously until we both tried to walk through the doorway at the same time. With his much bigger build, it wasn’t happening.

“Excuse me,” I said and pushed by. In the hallway the air was lighter. I breathed again.

“Liz, wait up,” he called.

Zach didn’t get it. I wanted nothing to do with him. We were over and I had no intention of becoming friends. He had hurt me and just looking at him was a painful reminder of that.

I speed-walked towards Joe’s and my meeting spot because we always walked to my second class together before he headed home, and there was no way I was walking with my current boyfriend on one side and my ex on the other.

“Liz, come on.” Zach grabbed my arm. Warmth rushed over my skin as he pulled me into a doorway. I hated that his hand on my arm made me feel anything at all. “Can’t we just talk?”

For a second I stared into his familiar eyes, a moment from the past frozen in time. Then my glance fell, moving over the skin that was no longer baby soft, but now showed signs of dark stubble.

“What is there to talk about, Zach?” I asked, taking my eyes from the strong lines of his jaw.

He dipped his hands into his pockets and leaned against the wall. It was his signature pose. At least not everything about him changed.

“I don’t know like, how are you? How’s your family? How’s life in general?” He moved closer. My heartbeat pounded out of control and the vise grip on it tightened again. I stepped back, breathing erratically, trying to suck air into my lungs, but it only gave me a better view of his lips. I remembered those lips and how they felt pressed against mine. And even though I resisted the memory, my mind drifted back to our first kiss.

* * *

It was late afternoon, junior year of high school. The sun had already begun its descent into the horizon and we were hanging on the monkey bars. Zach had come up with the great idea to race. On the count of three we were off, laughing as we collided in the middle. We were hanging close enough to one another that our legs kept touching.

Zach let go first and I followed him. His hands grabbed my sides to steady me as I dropped, and I glanced up to say thanks when he kissed me.

His lips brushed against mine, soft and sweet. I relaxed into his body, wanting to be as close to him as possible. Warmth spread through my cheeks as his hands cupped my face. I had been kissed before, but it was nothing compared to this.

My body had never reacted to any other kiss the way it had to Zach’s. Pulse racing out of control, blood rushing out of my head, shooting through the rest of my body, leaving me light-headed, tingly, completely exhilarated. No. Nothing compared to it.

Not even close.

* * *

Tears pricked at my eyes as I thought of how much of a fool I had been to think Zach and I would be forever. I shook my head and swallowed down the pain.

“I’m good. Life’s great. I have a boyfriend and I couldn’t be happier. You might remember him, Joe Resnick? My family is great. That about covers it. Are we through here?”

“Lizzie,” he said, and I shot daggers at him with my eyes. “I mean Liz. Sorry. Don’t you even want to know why I’m here?” My gaze went swiftly to his. I ignored the deep, dark intensity that used to make me weak at the knees and gave him a simple answer.

“No.”

The way his body flinched away from me, you would have thought I’d spit in his face. “You’re not the same person anymore, are you?” A sadness crept into his eyes. He ran his fingers through his hair, revealing the scar above his left eyebrow. The scar he told me he’d gotten chasing his cousin around a bench at the mall. He’d tripped and smacked his head on the corner of the seat on the way down.

He might have had the same scar, but he was right, I wasn’t the same person anymore and neither was he. I needed to get out of there. I needed to just get away from him.

“No, I’m not. Now if you’ll excuse me, my boyfriend is waiting.”

I walked away, feeling his eyes on me. In a way, this was finally the closure I’d always wanted. Not that we’d talked about us and why he stopped calling, but we’d talked and that was something. More than I’d had a year ago.

Chapter 3

Back at my apartment Joe was waiting for me as always, propped against the doorway, one foot on the floor, the other resting on the building behind him. His dark hair hung in his eyes and while most girls found a guy with long hair sexy, I honestly just wished he’d get a haircut.

“I didn’t think you were coming.” His arm hooked around my waist and pulled me into him. I nuzzled my head against his cedar-and-mint-smelling chest.

“I wouldn’t miss this,” I said, then leaned up to kiss him. His grip loosened and I pulled away to get my key. Before I could slide the key into the lock he grabbed my hand and spun me towards him. I waited for his lips to assault mine, but instead he ran his fingers through his hair.

“I was just talking to Scott and his band’s playing at Trax tonight.” A sparkle flashed in his eye, the one he got every time he was excited about something.

“And you want to go.” He nodded his head up and down with the boyish charm that always won me over. “Sure. Let me just put my bag down and run a brush through my hair.”

“Really? Because I know we had plans and all.” He linked his hands around my side and pulled me to him. He held my waist, bending his knees slightly so he could look at me eye to eye. His dark bushy eyebrows turned towards the straight bridge of his nose.

“No, really, it’s okay.” As much as I loved our Monday nights at the pizza place, I was sick of coming home smelling like garlic. Sadie always made me strip at the door and go straight down the hall to the laundry room. At least she let me grab my robe first. I couldn’t argue. If it wasn’t for her parents paying most of the rent I’d be in the dorms sharing a room with some stranger.

Then again, watching Scott’s band play was the equivalent of a slow, torturous death. If there was a plaque for girlfriend of the year, it’d be hanging over my bed.

I offered a smile with my words even though I wasn’t in a smiling type of mood.

“Awesome. Love you, babe.” He kissed my cheek and opened the door for me. He walked straight in and went right for the couch. Sadie had picked out the bright pink pillows with orange detail, a chic nod to her culture. They were perfectly placed on our brown couch until Joe pushed them aside, one falling to the floor, and flopped on the sofa.

If Sadie was home, she’d kill him. We’ve been best friends since high school and there were two things I learned about her when we started living together. First, don’t mess with her closet. To say she was anal would be putting it mildly. Secondly, decorative pillows were as important as her shoes.

I picked the pillow off the floor and placed it in its designated spot. “I’ll be right out,” I said and headed to my room, deciding to change my shirt too. I shut the door behind me. Why, I didn’t know. It’s not like Joe hadn’t seen me in my bra. We spent a lot of time on second base. Even though he kept trying to slide into third, I hadn’t waved him on yet. I didn’t even know why. I just froze every time we got there. At this rate I’d be a virgin for life.

My room was much smaller than Sadie’s, but it was big enough for my full-size bed and a desk, and I had a decent closet. Luckily my parents had let me keep most of the stuff I couldn’t throw out, but didn’t need, at home with them.

I slid out of my gray hoodie and into a low-cut green shirt. Zach had always loved me in green. He told me it brought out the color of my eyes.

Where the hell had that come from? I’d stopped thinking about all things Zach the minute I picked myself up out of my depression and realized that his leaving caused me to lose focus and cost me a ticket to my dream school.

Though I suppose it worked out for the best. I did get to spend more time with Joe and Sadie. Poor Sadie was bribed into staying close to home by her parents, though if you ask me, an hour there and an hour back is a quarter tank of gas I wouldn’t want to waste. But with our sweet-ass apartment and a brand new car, she wasn’t complaining. Besides, she didn’t mind the hike. She really loved babysitting her little bro while her parents worked crazy hours.

I picked up my makeup bag, and my black eyeliner slipped out and fell to the floor. I bent down to pick it up, my eye catching the corner of a box under my bed.

I don’t know why I didn’t leave the stupid thing at my parents’ house. For whatever reason, it had made the move with me. I’d hidden the box under my bed and forgotten about it. Of course I would notice it now. I couldn’t resist the urge to torture myself with the past.

Call it pathetic, but I still had a box full of a million different Zach memories. I hadn’t looked at it since last summer when I finally accepted he’d never come back. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to throw it out.

It amazed me how all our memories fit in an Uggs boot box. Granted it was for the tall Uggs, but still. After everything we shared, everything we went through, it seemed insufficient.

I ran my hand over the pictures taped to the top, surrounded with glitter glue. One of me and Zach at the beach. I was on his back and both our mouths were open wide from laughing. The dog I drew on his hand earlier that day still visible, even after hours in the ocean.

In the left corner, there was a picture of us watching the sunset on the docks in our hometown. And then in the middle, out of the hundreds of pictures we ever took together, was my absolute favorite.

It was a close-up of our faces, because I insisted on taking the picture even though his arms were much longer than mine. I had cake batter smeared across my cheek, and he was completely covered in flour. His eyes were crossed and my tongue was sticking out. It was the most ridiculous thing. But it captured the true essence of us.

Natural and real and never once embarrassed, we embraced our fun and quirky sides and loved each other deeper than any romance novel could portray. It was foolish. But we didn’t think. We only felt. Once we were together, I never imagined a life without him. Which was why when it ended, my world cookie crumbled around me.

With a calming breath I took the top off the box, but it didn’t help. As soon as the lid sat beside me, I was faced with every memory I’d forced into the back of my mind. Every detail about our time together. Every smile we shared. And then the reason I spent a summer crying over him smacked into my chest with enough gusto to knock the wind out of me.

I willed the tears away, but it was too late. My head fell forward, and I bawled like a baby, muffling the noise in my hands. Grateful that Joe had the volume blaring on the television, I let the sobs overtake me for a moment, before gathering the strength I had built up when Zach left and shut the waterworks off.

I reached into the box and pushed aside the tons of movie tickets, layer by layer. Beneath them lay the stuffed bear he’d won me at the carnival. He’d wanted to win me the biggest prize they had, but after thirty bucks I walked away with a bear the size of an éclair. And not a normal éclair either—one of those mini ones that wouldn’t satisfy the smallest of sweets cravings. It slept next to me on my pillow every night till I stuffed it away in the box.

A bobber from the day we went fishing and didn’t catch a single one, even though the guy next to us caught fifteen. Zach insisted the man had superpowers. I told him he played too many video games.

Notes we passed back and forth between classes. I unfolded one. An entire piece of paper. And all it said:

I love you.

I used to write page-long notes, going on about class and whatever else I could think of. Sometimes he would write back in response, but other times he just wrote those three words. I’m sure there were twenty other folded pieces of paper in the box with the exact same three words scribbled in the middle.

And there at the bottom, the thing I knew I subconsciously looked for. I took the plastic bubble in my hand and popped off the top. Inside, it held what to anyone else would be a cheap keychain. To me, it was a declaration of love and promises.I rolled it between my fingers, the bright green gem of the frog’s eye shining up at me. It was like a mirror to our past, reflecting back the memories.

I’d spent the previous day baking. Zach sat with me. He didn’t utter a single word, just let me bake. He sampled every cookie I made. Even when he looked like he’d puke, he kept eating. He’d offer a nod of approval after each new batch, and every now and then squeeze my hand or kiss my head. But he never once said anything.

Words couldn’t bring my grandfather back, and he knew I didn’t want reassuring statements. Because they were meaningless.

My grandfather was my favorite person in the world. Happy and loving. Sweeter than the cannoli cream-filled cakes he loved so much. And one day he was there, laughing and alive, and then the next day he was gone.

Hours later, I finally dropped the measuring spoons. I heard the water turn on as soon as my foot hit the stairs on my way up to my room. I crawled into bed exhausted from crying, and as the tears started again, I fell into a deep sleep.

The way the sun shone through my window when I woke up, I could tell it was midday. I pressed my eyes closed and more tears slid down my cheeks.

I lied in my bed curled up in a ball. The tears soaked my pillow, and my nose was so clogged I could barely breathe. I didn’t care. My grandfather was dead. The man who would sit me on his lap and tell me stories, would never speak again. I’d never again feel his stubble on my cheek when I hugged him.

The tears filled my eyes, the pain consumed me. My parents tried to get me to leave my room, but there was no point. The only place I wanted to be was in bed.

Suddenly, my bed dipped down and warm arms wrapped around me, pulling me close. I turned, burying my head into Zach’s spice-cookie-scented chest. He kissed my forehead then brushed the damp hair off my face, making the pain a little more bearable.

“Why don’t you get dressed and come out with me?”

I shook my head and drew myself closer to him. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I didn’t want to see anyone. Except him. He was the only person I could face. The only person who wouldn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to.

His hand rested under my chin and gently raised it until my eyes met his. “Please?” he asked, pouting his lip in that puppy-dog way.

I didn’t need a mirror to know I had mascara streaked down my cheeks and red puffy eyes. “I look awful.”

He tucked my hair behind my ear and smiled. “We could put a bag over your head.”

And for the first time since the news shattered me into peanut brittle, a laugh slipped out.

His finger rested at the corner of my lip. “I missed your laugh.” His thumbs wiped the tears from my cheeks and he kissed my forehead. “Your grandfather wouldn’t want this.”

He was right. He always was.

“Come on. It’ll be good to get out.”

I nodded and he kissed my nose before I dragged myself from the comfort of his arms and to the bathroom to make myself look somewhat acceptable for public viewing.

“Babe, you almost ready?” Joe’s voice pulled me back to the present.

“In a minute,” I yelled through the door.

I put the key chain back in its bubble and dropped it in the box, trapping it and all the memories with it. I slid it under my bed and walked over to my dresser. Just like that day after my grandfather’s death, mascara was smeared across my cheeks. I rubbed my hands across, wiping it away.

I swiped some blush across my cheeks and smeared on my candy-apple lip gloss. The television echoed on the other side of the door and I could bet money Joe had fallen asleep.

Zach never fell asleep when waiting for me. And even though I was desperate to keep the memories locked away in my box, I couldn’t keep my mind from wandering back.

I emerged from the bathroom fresh-faced. Zach leaned against my headboard, legs crossed, hands behind his head. His eyes shot up, and he smiled.

“Much better. Though you always look beautiful.”

Only he could make me actually believe that line of bullshit.

“Where are we going?”

He stood and engulfed me in a classic Zach hug. “It’s a surprise.” He kissed my nose and took my hand, leading me back to civilization.

Two weeks earlier he had gotten his license, and he had his mom’s car waiting for us. He ran in front of me and opened the passenger door. I laughed at his chivalry, and he tickled my sides.

After two days of being lost in the dark, it was nice to find the light again. My grandfather was gone and it sucked. And in the beginning I didn’t want to laugh. I didn’t want to smile. But just as Zach reminded me, my grandfather wouldn’t want that.

In the car Zach linked his fingers with mine and pulled the back of my hand to his lips.

I pointed to the steering wheel with my other hand. “Ten and two. Did you not learn anything in Driver’s Ed?” I said with a smile.

Amusement flashed in his dark eyes. “I thought it was eleven and one.”

“Did you charm the driving instructor to get your license?”

“Jealous?”

“Never.” I smiled and for a brief second he took his eyes off the road to connect with mine. He kissed my hand again and pulled into the parking lot of the local supermarket.

“This is your idea of getting out of the house?” I asked.

“We’re just stopping for the necessities. Chocolate, soda and chips. And when I cleaned up last night I noticed you were out of brown sugar, so we should add that to the list.”

He got out of the car and I met him at the front and threw my arms around him. “What’s this for?” he asked, breath warm against my cheek.

“For remembering the brown sugar.” I’d be a crazed lunatic if I couldn’t sleep and had no brown sugar to make cookies. And he knew that. He knew I threw myself into baking until I was able to deal with how I felt. “But mainly for just being you.”

He took my hand and spun me, pulling me back into his chest. He kissed my nose and then bent. “Hop on.”

I jumped up on his back, pressed his face against my lips and kissed his cheek. He ran, spinning in circles and jumping up and down. I laughed so loud people stared. But I didn’t care. I never did when I was with Zach.

Inside there was a line of quarter machines. Zach liked to guess what he would get, but he was always wrong. One time he wound up with a princess sticker instead of a bouncy ball.

He smirked up at me. “An elephant charm.”

“A frog keychain,” I said.

“Do you want to do the honors?” I took the quarter he held up to me. He leaned forward and I slipped up his back, but he held on tightly.

I placed the quarter in the machine and turned. He knelt down, me still hanging to him, and opened the metal door, revealing a clear bubble with a red plastic top. He popped the top off and I threw my hands up in victory, sliding off his back.

Still on his knees he turned to me, taking my hand in his. “Lucky guess.” He winked at me, but then he turned serious. He slid the round silver key chain on my finger, the frog dangling to the side. “Lizzie, I promise to always love you. Always be there for you. And always find a way to make you laugh.”

Just words. That’s all they were.

I fluffed my hair and walked back into the living room. Joe’s eyes were closed, legs up on the coffee table, arms crossed over his chest. His defined biceps pushed against his sleeves.

He looked so peaceful, and I hated to wake him, but I needed to get out. Needed fresh air. “Ready,” I said, picking up the remote and turning off the television.

Joe startled awake, then jumped up, giving me a once-over and smiling his approval. I grabbed my purse and slung it over my shoulder. Warm arms wrapped around my waist, and I settled against Joe’s chest.

“We could stay here, and you know . . .” Joe whispered, raining a trail of sensuous kisses down my neck.

“We could.” I turned, catching his bottom lip with my teeth. His mouth parted and just as I was about to deepen the kiss, Zach’s face popped into my head. You had got to be kidding me. Without thinking, I pushed my hands into Joe’s chest and shoved him away.

“Whoa!” he called out, eyes narrowing in on me. “What was that?”

Crap. I needed to think up something. Anything. I couldn’t tell him my ex popped into my mind the very minute I went to stick my tongue down his throat.

“We shouldn’t start something we can’t finish.” It sounded good in my head, but as soon as the words came out, I knew what was running through Joe’s mind. We never finished.

Ever.

So I was eighteen and hanging on to my v-card. Big deal. Some people held on to it well into their twenties. I had time.

Luckily, he didn’t bring it up. Instead he nodded and tossed me a smile. “You’re right. I told Scott I’d get there early to help the band set up.”

Oh, great. He forgot to tell me that little tidbit of information. That was just how I wanted to spend my night, sitting on the sidelines while Joe pretended to be part of the band. But maybe Sadie would show up after her babysitting duties to see if Matt was hanging out. Poor girl was crushing hard.

I made a mental note to text her in the car. Joe took my hand, kissed the side of my head, and I followed him out the door, leaving all thoughts of Zach behind me.

Chapter 4

Trax was a dive bar close to campus where they didn’t ID and beers were sold by the bucketful. Permanent markers were placed in cups on the tables for your writing/drawing pleasure. The walls and tables were covered with song lyrics, love notes and some pretty impressive artwork.

It still reeked of cigarettes from the days when it was legal to smoke inside and choke your nonsmoking friends into an unhealthy cough-fest.

We didn’t even get two feet in before Joe ditched me for the band. Scott, the lead singer (who really screamed more than he sang), was setting up the microphone. Evan “E-Rock” Rochler, a somewhat dorky kid with glasses, thought jumping around the stage made up for his lack of talent. Then there was their bassist Charlie, who had more talent in her little finger than the boys combined, plugging into her amp.

I found an open booth in the corner and slid in. Thank heavens. The last thing I wanted was to stand all night getting bumped by some jackasses who thought they were moshing.

My phone buzzed and I looked down to see a text from my brother Josh.

We still on this weekend?

Josh was two hours away studying at his dream school, but we took turns visiting each other. Really, he visited me more since I was only an hour from home and he could see our parents in the same weekend.

Yup. Can’t wait J

I picked up a red Sharpie and started drawing. I drew a circle then looped another half circle on top.

“Don’t tell me you still draw that silly dog?” My head shot up at the voice. Blood rushed to my cheeks, but I couldn’t tell if it was from embarrassment or anger. I looked down at the half-finished drawing then back up at Zach. His hand rested on the table and my brain betrayed me by taking a minute to remind me of how I used to draw it on his hand. And then the picture on my Zach box flashed in my head. I had to take the damn box out, didn’t I?

“My dog is not silly,” I spat and continued drawing the eyes and nose, too aware of the boy I once loved sitting across from me, and how those hands used to feel on me. “What are you doing here anyway?”

“Matt invited me.” He tossed his thumb over his shoulder in Matt’s direction just as Sadie walked in. “I didn’t expect to see you here,” he said, leaning closer to the table. To me.

I didn’t look up. I didn’t want to look into those damn eyes of his. They were capable of turning stone to lava and should seriously have been registered as lethal weapons.

I focused on the whiskers of my awesome dog drawing. “I support my friends. I don’t ditch them.” I couldn’t help glancing up and taking pleasure in the wince my words caused.

“That’s not what I meant. I was surprised to see you at school today. I just always thought you’d go to a big, fancy, out-of-state school.”

I was supposed to. It was the plan. But life screwed me again. Those rejection letters had turned my already scorched heart to ash. I pushed the painful memories away and made the mistake of looking up. “I could say the same thing about you,” I said, my voice no more than a whisper.

Just looking into his familiar eyes caused a rush of feelings I didn’t want to revisit.

I needed to get away. I needed my best friend—the one who didn’t leave me behind. Before Zach could say another word I jumped up. I didn’t care that Sadie was strutting towards Matt; I needed her. But I didn’t want to lose my sweet-ass table.

So as much as it killed me to ask him, I sucked it up and did. “I have to go to the bathroom. Can you just stay here till I get back?” Sadness washed over me as soon as the words were out.

His final words the last time we were face-to-face haunted my thoughts. I promise you we’ll be together again. Less than two years till I get back.

He might be back now, but he was the one who stopped calling. I was trying to deal with Zach attending the same college as me—even accepting him sitting next to me in class—but hanging out with my friends was a whole other story. Especially when he was acting like nothing had changed. Didn’t he get it?

Everything had changed.

Before I could let him see the emotion play out on my face, I ran to Sadie who threw her head back and laughed at whatever Matt had just said.

I could see why Sadie liked him. While he was shorter than most guys, he still towered over her five-foot-three frame. His trademark Red Sox baseball cap, a homage to where he was born, and polo shirts combined the two types of guys she always leaned towards: jocks and preps.

Sadie had carried a torch for Matt for as long as I could remember. One day in the seventh grade Sadie had missed her bus, and Matt walked her home even though his bus was still in the parking lot, and he lived on the opposite end of town. Ever since that day Sadie laughed at whatever Matt said, even if it wasn’t funny, and would always find subtle ways to touch him.

She’d kill me later for pulling her away, but I grabbed her arm and tugged anyway. Poor Matt was left alone in midsentence.

Sadie narrowed her smoky eyes. “Liz, what the hell?”

“Did you see who’s here?” Her black hair was sleeked into a sexy ponytail that swayed when she went to look over her shoulder. I swatted at her arm.

“Don’t look!” Sheesh. Did I really have to explain that?

In the most pathetic attempt not to look obvious, she stretched her arms over her head and glanced behind her. She turned back, smoky gray eyes boring in on me. “Come on, what’s the big deal?” Sadie asked. I was happy she didn’t notice my eye roll. “It’s not like we’re going to hang out with him. He’s just here. You have to remember he had the same friends as us, and he stayed in contact with them.”

That’s what hurt the most. The fact he was able to keep a relationship with the majority of our friends but didn’t have the decency to end things properly with the girl he supposedly loved.

It was ridiculous to be holding on, but it didn’t stop me from doing so. Why should I let him off the hook just because he apologized?

“Fine, I guess, but I’m not talking to him.”

“No one is asking you to. Besides, Joe is here, so you two can find a corner and make out the whole time. But just for the record, if that’s what you plan on doing, you’re not sitting with me.”

“Duly noted.”

“Anyways, you look hot. So if you ask me, you won,” Sadie said, tossing her ponytail over her shoulder. She always looked like she had just walked off the red carpet of a Bollywood premiere, especially when she had to dress up in her sari. I don’t think she’d had a zit in her entire life either, unlike me, who constantly battled those irritating red spots.

“Won what?” I asked, unaware I was taking part in a game.

“The breakup.”

“I didn’t know it was a competition.”

“Of course it is. And just FYI, if you want Zach to keep away from you, you might want to stop looking so good.” She reached over and flipped my hair with the back of her hand.

“I’m not trying to look good for Zach.”

“If you say so,” she said with a roll of her perfectly outlined eyes. As if I knew Zach was going to be here. Trust me, if I knew, I never would’ve showed in the first place.

“I’m going to get a bucket. Do you want anything?” I might have been the one who’d started the conversation, but I needed to get away from it. And even though beer was not my drink of choice, it was cheap and did the trick.

“No, I’m good. I have to drive. Are you?”

“Joe can drive my car home.”

“When have you ever known Joe to stay sober?” she asked, arching a perfectly shaped eyebrow.

“He drinks all the time. It’s my turn.”

“If you say so.” She waved to Ruthie, who was making her way towards us.

I walked up to the bar and squeezed between the crowds of people. Why were there so many people here anyway? Didn’t they realize who was playing tonight? Purge wasn’t exactly . . . good.

The bartender leaned in, but I still had to shout my order. After some back and forth he figured out what I wanted and handed over a bucket filled with ice and six bottles of beer. I paid and just as I was about to push through the crowd, Zach stood in front of me with that stupid grin of his. When his hand reached out, I couldn’t stop from sucking in a nervous breath. His fingers skimmed the skin of my hand and reached in for a bottle. “Since when did you start drinking beer?” he asked as he twisted the cap off and took a swig.

Did I offer him one? I don’t think so! And like I was going to stand there and fill him in on everything since he left.

“Maybe if you called, you’d know.” I stared him down with an intensity I’d never felt before. I remembered the endless nights of staying home with my phone, waiting for it to ring. Waiting to hear his voice. Scared to accept the fact it was over. A year of buildup rose inside of me. But just as the anger was about to boil over and turn to pathetic tears I pushed past him.

His hand gripped my wrist and pulled me back, the bucket the only thing keeping me from being pushed against his chest. A chest I spent so many nights snuggled up to. I hated how I still knew exactly what it felt like to be there. How happy it once made me.

“Don’t touch me,” I yelled and his hand dropped my wrist like it scorched his skin. Shock swept across his features and for a single second I felt guilty for being so harsh. But then guilt was lost to the hole that still pierced my heart.

He rubbed the back of his neck, and his dark eyes softened. Warm breath shot chills up my spine as he leaned in close to my ear. “I told you I was sorry.”

I stepped back, knocking into a guy behind me. My balance wavered, but before I could fall, Zach’s hand reached out and caught me. I glanced down at his hand, and just as I felt the heat radiating from his touch, he let go.

“Sorry won’t give me back the time I wasted crying over you. It won’t take back the fact my crying overtook my schoolwork. And it definitely won’t change the fact that it cost me the only thing I ever really wanted. My ticket out of here.”

Shock-widened eyes stared back at me. For once, Zach was speechless. Good. I didn’t care what he had to say. I pulled out a bottle, popped the top and walked away, guzzling until nothing was left.

And crap! He totally abandoned my sweet-ass table. Figures. I couldn’t count on him. I leaned against a graffitied wall, the bucket hanging like a wristlet as I popped open another beer.

An hour later, Scott and the band were finally ready to start and I’d had enough. I’d drunk all the beer, minus the bottle Zach stole.

Joe was helping with the last-minute setup and I stumbled over to him. “I’m ready.”

“What? Babe, the guys are just getting ready to go on.” He stuck his lip out in his sad puppy-dog way.

“I’m tired.” I pouted my lip back and waited for him to give in to my cuteness.

“Go back to the booth and take a nap. We’ll leave as soon as they’re done. Promise.”

I rolled my eyes and staggered away, reached into my bag and pulled out my keys. I was usually the DD, but tonight . . . oops.

“I don’t think so.” My keys vanished, and I jumped to grab the hand that took them.

Zach! Ugh! I should’ve known. “Give me my keys!” He was always taller, and while I used to love how he towered over me, at times like these it was seriously inconvenient.

“No way in hell I’m letting you drive.”

I planted my hands on my hips and did my best not to sway. “Why not?”

“Because you’re drunk.”

“You’re not my keeper.”

“No, I’m not. But since your boyfriend doesn’t seem to care, someone has to. And besides, your brother would kick my ass if he knew I’d let you drive like this.”

“Of course, because you two still talk. Well la-de-freakin-da. Give me my damn keys.” I jumped again and tried to grab them, but regardless of my drunken coordination, Zach was quick. In one swift motion, he shoved the keys in his pocket and tossed me over his shoulder.

Face-to-face with his butt, I couldn’t help remembering the time we went skinny-dipping at Front Beach. Even swimming naked side by side, he never pressured me to do anything I didn’t want to. As always, he was the perfect gentleman. Never letting his hands wander too far south.

Stupid memories.

“Put me down,” I demanded, but he didn’t listen.

“Say goodbye to Sadie and our friends,” Zach said, turning me to where she stood in the corner with Matt and Ruthie.

“They are not our friends. They are my friends,” I said, but the band started and I didn’t think my words were heard over Scott’s screeching.

Sadie exchanged a few words with Zach and then waved goodbye. Traitor. I’d remember that when she wanted to get out of one of her parents’ many attempts at finding her a husband.

Outside I gave up the fight and welcomed the cool air. At my car, Zach opened the passenger door and gently placed me in the seat. He reached across, warm chest pressed against mine, and buckled my seat belt.

I tried to hold my head up and give him a dirty look, but it felt like it weighed nine hundred pounds and I wasn’t strong enough.

Zach’s hand cupped my face, holding it up so I looked into those dark, beautiful eyes of his. Warmth spread across my cheeks, seeping into the rest of my body. He pushed my hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ears. I wanted to be mad, but I didn’t have the energy to care.

“You’re a mess.” His lips turned into the smirk I dreamed about for months after he stopped calling. “What happened to my Lizzie?”

“You left her,” I managed to get out before my eyelids became too heavy and I drifted off to sleep.

Chapter 5

The next morning I woke to what felt like an elephant on my head, my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth, and no recollection of how I got in bed. I opened my eyes and instantly regretted it. The morning sunshine streamed through my window like a curtain of bright torture.

A low growl rose in my throat and I threw my blanket back over my head. I didn’t have class till late and my committee meeting wasn’t for another few hours.

“Rise and shine!” Sadie yelled, flinging my curtains open, turning the stream of light into an all-consuming inferno.

“I hate you.”

“I’m not the one who told you to drink an entire bucket of beer.”

Did I? If my memory served me correctly, and granted it was a little foggy, Zach took one. Zach. A rush of moments from the previous night flooded my mind.

My head nuzzling against Zach’s chest as he carried me into my apartment. The smell of spice cookies and how I grabbed his neck and pulled him closer to get a better whiff. Oh God. If only there was mouthwash for the brain. Brain wash. They could make a fortune on that stuff.

“There’s Advil, water and a bottle of Gatorade on your nightstand. I suggest you get chugging.” Sadie sat on the edge of my bed, looking like a freaking model.

“I hate you, but love you too.”

“I didn’t do it. Honestly I’d almost prefer to let you suffer. Did you really think you were going to get behind the wheel? Seriously! You know better than that.”

“I know.” It was just seeing Zach after all that time, and having him act like seeing me didn’t bother him, made something inside of me snap.

I rubbed at the headache that was growing by the minute. It was like one of those dinosaurs you dropped in water and it expanded to quadruple its size. I reached for the Advil and downed the bottle of water.

“And you can thank Zach later tonight when we go bowling with everyone.”

“No! I am not going bowling with him. He can’t just come back to town and act like nothing changed.” He couldn’t just carry me to bed, leave me with the ultimate hangover kit and call it even.

Not even close.

“If I remember correctly, you’ve moved on. At least that’s what you said. I was ready for a battle, but you told me you didn’t need closure. You were good.”

“I did. And I am.”

“Then what’s the big deal?” Sadie said, tossing her black hair over her shoulders before walking out.

I dragged myself out of bed and showered the night off of me. If only I could shower the thoughts of snuggling Zach’s neck away. What the hell was I thinking? I wasn’t. So much time had passed, yet I still fell under his spell.

Besides, it wasn’t my fault he smelled so damn good. I swore the boy bathed in a pool of spice cookie batter.

I slipped into my skinny jeans, a black sweater and my riding boots then headed back to campus. It was going to be a long day.

* * *

Professor Mulligan and I came up with the idea for the beach clean-up committee when she helped me with a paper outlining the effects of plastic pollution on our local beaches. In a few short months we had removed 2,136 cigarette butts, 86 plastic bags, a tire, 3 flip-flops, 52 plastic bottles, 11 latex balloons and what felt like several tons of fishing wire, from the local beaches.

You’d think the shock factor would wear off. It hadn’t. How hard was it to pick up your trash? I for one wasn’t going to be responsible for killing an innocent sea turtle.

The annoying thing was that if it wasn’t for Zach, I never would’ve cared so much about our beaches and how we could ruin an entire ecosystem simply by not using a trash can. Every time we went to the beach he packed an extra bag for garbage and made sure not to leave a single piece behind.

For six months I hadn’t thought about him and now I couldn’t get him out of my head. As if he were a disease and I a hypochondriac—he was constantly on my mind.

Maybe it was because I’d just seen him for the first time in over a year and it was still fresh. But it was more than that. As much as Zach was the same, he was different. He wasn’t a boy anymore. The baby face was gone, replaced with a more chiseled one. His strong jaw was sprinkled with dark stubble. I’d always thought he was hot. But now. Damn.

Hot or not , he was the asshole who broke my heart. And I’d moved on. What I was feeling was a completely normal reaction to an old love. All I had to do was avoid him as much as possible. I couldn’t in my Monday-Wednesday writing class, but the rest of the time I was Zach-free.

When I got to the classroom I sat next to Professor Mulligan’s desk. Vicky and Tanya strolled in and took their usual seats in the corner.

Professor Mulligan’s laugh flowed into the classroom. I looked up, ready to greet her, when every ounce of patience I had left shattered.

Walking in with her, as if they were old friends, was Zach. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I wanted to scream and throw the eraser that sat on the desk beside me at his head.

“Liz, you’re here. Good. This is Zach. He’s in my Marine Science class. He’s very passionate about the ocean and our beaches.” She patted Zach on the shoulder, a little too excited, even for her.

I hoped she was kidding. Didn’t she know me well enough to notice the disapproval shining in my eyes? By the way Zach flinched away, it was obvious he could.

Unfortunately, she wasn’t kidding.

“With his passion and knowledge I think he’ll be a wonderful asset to our group. I talked him into joining. Isn’t that great?” You would think she’d just talked the president into speaking to us with the way she kept rising up and down on her toes.

“We have enough people. We don’t need any more,” I said as I shuffled through some papers, refusing to look up. One glance at him and the ache in my heart that took so long to go away came back. I didn’t want it back. I wanted him to disappear, return to where he came from and just leave me alone.

“Liz, we can always use an extra set of hands,” she said. I wanted to scream.

Instead I rolled my eyes and flipped open my notebook acting as if whatever was on the blank pages was more important than the conversation we were having. Professor Mulligan was my mentor at Farmingdale State, and we had a standing coffee date every other Thursday—she clearly knew me well enough to know something was up.

“Zach, take a seat while Liz and I go over today’s agenda? Then we’ll get started.”

“Sure.” He walked away and I couldn’t help watching. A year ago I’d been able to pick him out of a crowd from behind. Not anymore. He was taller. All broad shoulders and big biceps. A narrow waist gave way to a great butt. Not like I noticed or anything.

“Liz, a moment,” Professor Mulligan said as she walked out the door.

I followed her into the empty hallway and leaned my body against the cool tiled wall.

“Do you know him?” she asked, hitching her thumb over her shoulder towards the classroom.

“He’s my ex from high school. Bad breakup.”

“I’m sorry.” She rested her hand on my shoulder. “I had no idea.”

How was she supposed to know? It’s not like I walked around with an “I dated Zach Roberts” name tag.

“It’s okay. Our personal relationship should have nothing to do with it. Besides. He’s really good at this stuff. Can even credit him for my own interest in it.”

She gave me a hopeful look. “Do you think you two will ever work out your differences?”

“No!” I caught myself yelling and lowered my voice. “You know I’m with Joe, and I’m happy. He makes me happy.” She was more than aware of my relationship with Joe. He even joined us for coffee on a couple of occasions.

“I didn’t necessarily mean boyfriend and girlfriend. I was talking friendship,” she said, arms crossed, eyes focused on mine.

“That’s not going to happen.”

“We’ll see.” Then she walked away.

What was that about? What was she trying to prove? I wanted to run after her and argue. We wouldn’t see because it wouldn’t happen. But there was no use arguing. People were going to think what they wanted and because of our history, I’m sure they were thinking a lot. Too much. And because most of these people didn’t know details it was all speculation.

There was nothing I could do about that though. So I did the only thing I could do. I walked back into that classroom with my head held high as if Zach’s presence wasn’t weighing heavy on my heart.

Chapter 6

The bowling alley wasn’t far from our apartment, and it was the perfect place to hang out with our friends without spending our entire month’s grocery funds. By the time we got there, the parking lot was already packed. Sadie looped around the lot a couple times before finally spotting a car pulling out.

She put her blinker on but as she drove to the spot, a copper orange Jeep Wrangler stole it.

“You had your blinker on. What the hell?” I threw my hands up in hopes the inconsiderate moron in the Jeep would see.

Sadie shrugged. “Whatever, we’ll keep looking.”

“No! We won’t. That was your spot.” I rolled my window down and waited.

“Seriously, Liz, we can get another spot. What if they’re crazy and they have a gun in their truck and they kill us and then toss our bodies into the river.”

“You watch too much TV.”

Sadie let off the brake just as Zach stepped out from the Jeep. Of course. I should have guessed. It was like he came here to make my life a living hell. Why wouldn’t he steal the parking spot Sadie was clearly pulling into?

“I’m waiting,” Sadie said.

“For what?” I asked as I rolled up the window.

“Now that I know it’s just Zach and not some psycho killer I want to see you battle.”

“Forget it. Just loop around again. I’m sure another space opened up.” I wasn’t in the mood to deal with Zach. If I started with him, he’d be guaranteed to find pleasure in my discontent, and I refused to let that happen.

The three more laps around the parking lot it took to finally find a spot gave me time to calm my nerves. This night was about hanging out with my friends and my boyfriend, and I wasn’t going to let Zach’s presence ruin it.

The bowling alley was just as crowded as the parking lot. Tuesday night was disco bowling from eight to ten. The white pins glowed beneath the black lights and a rainbow of colors showered down in streams from the overhead strobe lights. Techno music pumped out of the speakers and most people danced in their lanes.

Scott, Ruthie, Matt and Joe were in our usual two lanes towards the back. Zach was there too and as soon as Sadie and I headed in their direction his eyes snapped to mine. It was like he had a built-in radar and it was seriously getting on my nerves.

“Babe, you’re here,” Joe said, as he took me into his arms. I relished the fact that Zach shifted uncomfortably in his chair to talk to Matt. Joe kissed my forehead, his nose resting on top of my head, and then pulled me towards our friends. “I was just telling Zach about how you bowled a turkey last week.”

Joe and Zach bonding was the absolute last thing I wanted.

“That’s pretty impressive Lizzi . . . Liz. I remember when you couldn’t even get the ball to stay in the lane.” I ignored his attempt to bring up the past and sat down to put on the shoes Joe had already got for me. “We used to call her the Gutter Queen.”

“No you used to call me that. No one else did.” I tugged my laces tight, stood and grabbed Sadie’s arm. “Do you need to get a ball? I need to get a ball,” I said and pulled her off the chair. Her black hair whipped around as she spun towards me.

“I was . . . Okay, I guess I need a ball.”

I didn’t let go of Sadie’s arm until we were halfway across the alley.

“Okay, are you going to explain that to me now?” she asked, tucking her hair behind her ear.

“I don’t believe him!” I blurted out.

“I’m gonna need more than that, Liz.”

“He just comes back into my life like it’s no big deal. He starts popping up everywhere. My college, my committee, and now he’s bonding with Joe. Why is he talking to Joe? I don’t want him talking to Joe.”

“Okay, sit down.” Sadie relaxed onto a stool by the snack bar.

“I don’t want to sit.” I paced back and forth. I had so much pent up energy I couldn’t sit even if I wanted to.

“I’m going to ask you something and I want you to promise me you’re not going to rip my head off,” she said and held her hands up as if reasoning with me.

I stopped pacing, arms crossed, eyes narrowed. “What?”

“Promise,” she repeated.

“Fine, I promise,” I said, pacing again.

“Are you not over him?”

My teeth clenched and my feet came to an abrupt stop. “That’s ridiculous. It was what? Over a year ago? We’re not even the same people anymore. I grew up. Moved on. Of course I’m over him.”

“I’m saying this because you are my best friend and I love you.” She grabbed my hand and stared me down with those gray eyes of hers. “I don’t think you are.”

“No. I . . .”

“Look. I’ve known you since the third grade, which pretty much makes me an expert on all things Liz. And I can tell there is still something there, and it might be miniscule, and it might be pushed way in the back of your mind, but it’s there whether you want to admit to it or not.”

I fell into the chair next to her. “I don’t want it to be.”

Sadie was right. I just didn’t want to admit to it. Zach hurt me. He moved away and stopped calling and that should’ve been enough to resolve any feelings I had towards him, but it didn’t. A piece of me still loved the boy who baked cookies with me on Wednesdays and kissed me underneath the monkey bars.

It was just a little piece of me though. The rest of me loved Joe. Joe, who had never hurt me and never would. Besides, Zach was my first love, so of course a part of me would always love him.

“I know,” Sadie said and put her arm around my shoulder. “I just wanted you to admit it. The first step is admitting and once you get by that you can move on. So let’s go bowl with our friends and your boyfriend and help you get on with your life. What do you say?”

“Let’s do this.”

I walked back to the group and right into Joe’s arms. Zach bowled a strike and Joe jumped up to give him a high five. As their hands hit midair, Zach looked over Joe’s shoulder and winked at me in all his cocky glory.

Some things changed and some things stayed exactly the same. Zach had always been a good bowler. While I was the Gutter Queen, he was King of the Strikes. He tried so many times to teach me, but I was hopeless.

“Liz, you’re up.” Joe gave me a tap on my butt and sent me off like I was in the NFL. I took my eight-pound hot-pink ball and got into place. God, I wanted to get a strike so bad. I wanted Zach to see I wasn’t that incapable sixteen-year-old girl anymore.

When the moment felt right, I went for it, swinging my arm back and sliding my right leg behind me as I let the ball go. I thought about walking away before seeing the ball make contact with the pins, but decided that might make me look too cocky. So I did as I always did and waited at the line as the ball made its way down the lane.

It hit the center pin at the perfect angle, and all the pins fell down. I jumped up and down in victory and turned around with a huge smile on my face. Joe swept me up off my feet, twirling me around.

When he put me down everybody clapped and I curtseyed for them before walking back to my seat. I sat and felt someone behind me.

“Nice form,” Zach said into my ear. I raised my eyes to his and then offered him a grin. After all, it was the form he taught me. “I guess you’re feeling better?”

“I guess so.” And as much as it pained me to say it, I forced the words out. “And thanks. For last night.” Even though he was the reason I was in that situation in the first place, Sadie made me feel like I had no choice but to say it.

“Like I said, Josh would’ve killed me.”

“I’m trying to be nice here. Can you just give it to me?”

He smirked, his lip curling up at the corner. “And I know it’s killing you, so I’m trying to make like it wasn’t a big deal.”

I glanced up, catching his eyes. With the heat that radiated off of them, I’m surprised they didn’t melt, but neither of us looked away. We were locked in a moment no one else would understand.

“Hey Zach! It’s your turn,” Scott called out.

Zach snapped his eyes away from me, bringing us back to reality. He grabbed his ball and took on the same form as I used. I could tell it would be a strike before the ball even hit the lane.

I sat back down next to Joe. His hand grabbed mine and brought it to his lips.

We were in our seventh frame when Joe jumped up. “I’m going to hit the bathroom. I’ll be right back,” Joe said just as Zach made his way back from bowling another strike.

I crossed my legs and turned my body towards Sadie, but she was talking to Scott and Ruthie. It was Matt’s turn to bowl, so I was on my own with Zach. Again.

“Having a good time?” Zach asked as he sat in Joe’s seat.

“I was until you came over here.”

“God, how I missed your loving personality.”

“What do you want, Zach?” I asked, my tone a little harsher than I intended.

“To be friends,” he said, an obvious plea in his tone, and for a second I felt a lump form in my throat.

“Why?” I asked. It was a simple question. A question from the past that I never got an answer to. I knew that answer wouldn’t tell me what I wanted to know, but it didn’t stop me from thinking about all those times I waited by the phone for a call that never came.

“Because,” he said and as soon as I heard his voice my eyes snapped to his. “I hate that every time we’re in the same room you look like you’re enduring Chinese water torture.”

“I do not.”

He tilted his head and looked at me with a furrowed brow. “Do too.” A year ago my insides would have liquefied right there, but his childish charm lost its power over me the day he stopped calling.

“I’m not arguing with you.” We were freshman in college, not five-year-olds on the playground.

“I’m not asking you too.”

I didn’t remember him being so annoying. I just wanted to enjoy a nice night out with my friends, and he was making it impossible. So what if I looked like I was being tortured every time we were in a room together. What was it to him?

“Look. If I say I’ll think about it can you leave me alone?” I figured it was my best bet. My one and only way out of the conversation.

“As long as you’re not saying that just to get rid of me.”

Did he become a mind reader in the past year? Sheesh.

“I’m not. I’ll think about it and let you know.” I bit the inside of my lip to keep it from twitching. Either it worked or the flashing disco lights made it hard to catch.

“I guess that’s better than nothing.”

Joe returned and slumped into the seat next to Zach. Zach shifted away as if Joe had the Ebola virus. “You guys bowl like exactly the same,” Joe said and my stomach twisted.

I was pretty sure Joe knew Zach and I used to date. Granted he started hanging out with our group right after Zach left, but he had to know.

My body was tense as Zach explained. “I taught her my skills when we were dating.” Zach locked eyes with me before finishing. “Never thought she actually listened to what I was saying.” The disco lights were only adding to my nausea.

Then Joe said, “Oh, that makes sense. Forgot about that, but it was like a gazillion years ago. So do you get a strike like every time?”

“Pretty much,” Zach said.

I couldn’t help but laugh. I might not have seen Zach bowl in over a year but I knew damn well he wasn’t getting a strike every time he went up there.

“Yeah right,” I said.

“Excuse me?” Zach said, a grin tugging at the left corner of his mouth.

“You heard me. You’re full of it.” I raised my eyebrows, challenging him to continue the lie.

His eyes fixated on me. “Maybe. Maybe not. I guess we’ll find out.”

“Why don’t we make it interesting?” Joe asked. “Twenty bucks says you don’t.” He took out his wallet and slapped a twenty on his leg.

“You’re going against me?” Zach asked.

“I have to stick with my girl,” Joe winked at me. “I’m sure you understand.”

“Absolutely,” Zach glanced over at me flashing an unreserved grin. “You’re on.” Zach turned and shook Joe’s hand before he got up and bowled another strike.

Ruthie jumped up and down, applauding, Sadie yelled out her approval, and Scott walked over to get in on the bet. Joe slid over and placed a hand on my knee. Zach came back to sit beside us, and I thought, just maybe, this friend thing could eventually work.

Chapter 7

It was Columbus Day weekend, and Josh was taking a break from his second year at Springfield University to come visit me. Though I knew he was really coming for the parties and the girls.

I couldn’t wait to see him. Josh and I always had a good relationship, even after I found out he still emailed Zach. I couldn’t hold it against him forever. I questioned him about it, hoping to get some information as to why Zach stopped calling.

It was useless. Guys weren’t like girls. They didn’t dig for the dirt. I figured that out quickly when Josh said unless Zach’s and my relationship had to do with the new “Grand Theft Auto,” then he had no idea.

I took another pair of jeans out of my laundry bag and stuffed them in my dresser while Joe rested comfortably on my bed.

“So when’s your brother getting in?” Joe asked.

“He should be here around nine. It’s a two-and-a-half-hour drive without traffic. So he wants to wait for rush hour to die down before he hits the road. I can’t wait for you to meet him.”

“About that—” My eyebrow arched at the words. “Scott and the guys have a gig this weekend upstate and they asked me to come. You know, to help set up. I was hoping you wouldn’t mind.” His desperation made it seem like cancelling, again, wasn’t that big of a deal. He could meet him next time. Though this would be the hundredth time he got out of meeting my brother. For an entire summer he managed to never be available when my brother was. Whatever, it’s not like I needed my brother’s approval anyway.

“Yeah, you should go,” I said, tossing socks into my top drawer.

“See, I knew you would understand.” He pulled my hand and I landed on top of him. His mouth brushed mine. “You’re awesome. You know that?” he said against my lips.

“So I’ve been told. Go ahead, call Scott and let him know.” I motioned to the cell phone sitting on my nightstand and got back to my laundry bag.

He crossed his hands behind his head. “I already told him I’m going.”

Wait a minute. A rush of fury surged through me.

“You already told Scott you’d go?” I gripped the handle on my dresser to keep myself from lashing out. “Then why did you even bother asking me? What if I threw a fit and insisted you stay home to meet Josh?”

“Because you’re not like that, babe. I knew you’d say yes. You always do.”

Okay. I didn’t realize I was a doormat.

“Besides, I can meet your brother next time. It’s not like he’s going anywhere.”

“Yeah, sure,” I said with a sigh, not exactly thrilled but aware there were no other options.

He sat up on his knees and moved towards me, taking my hand in his. “You’re not mad, are you?”

“No, I’m not mad. It’s just been a long week.” No reason to start a fight over petty BS.

“Tell me about it. I thought this weekend was never going to get here. Ever since Scott told me about the show I’ve been anxious to get on the road.”

Wait another minute!

I ripped my hand out of his. “When did Scott tell you?”

He scratched his head. “Uh, Monday.”

I pushed aside the anger building within me. He was going. It was already settled. Why drag it out any more? We weren’t going to see each other all weekend, so we might as well enjoy our time together. It was the only thought that kept me from asking him to leave.

Joe pulled me towards the bed. “I love ya, babe.” He dropped his hand to my cheek. The feel of his fingers on my skin eased my frustrations. I pressed my palm to his chest and kissed him. His lips instantly synced with mine. I licked his lower lip until his mouth parted, his tongue meeting mine.

In that moment I didn’t care if he didn’t meet my brother or if he ditched me for his friends as long as he kept kissing me like that. When he backed away I desperately wanted to pull him back.

“I kinda have to pack. We’re leaving in two hours.” Then he had the nerve to check his cell phone.

“Oh.” There went my plans for the evening. Josh wasn’t expected for a few hours. “Yeah. Sure. So I’ll see you when you get back then.”

“Yeah. I gotta go now though.”

It’s better to be left wanting than not, so I allowed myself to step away. “I know. Have fun. Be careful.” I forced a smile and waved as he walked out of my bedroom.

Sadie was taking her brother to get a new achkan for their cousin’s wedding, so I called home to check in with my parents and let them know I’d survived another week on my own.

Mom answered on the second ring. “Can’t talk long, sweetie,” she said. “Your father and I are planning our cruise.”

My parents had been planning this trip to celebrate their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary since before I moved out.

“So when do you leave?”

“That’s what we’re trying to figure out.”

“Don’t go during hurricane season,” I volunteered.

“Why? That sounds like the perfect time for a cruise,” Mom joked. “Josh should be there in a couple hours. He called, said he’d come home tomorrow with some laundry.”

Of course, the minute she knew my brother was coming home, she had fabric softener on the brain. I tried bringing my laundry home once, and she told me I knew where the machines were. Total mama’s boy. I swear, he could murder someone and she’d help him hide the body.

“Not soon enough. I’m bored.”

“Why don’t you bake something? You haven’t baked in so long. Josh always loved your cookies.”

I’d managed a whole afternoon without thinking about Zach, and then Mom dropped the baking bomb on me. His face popped into my head as if it was in the back of my mind, just waiting for the perfect opportunity. “I actually have homework to do.”

“It’s the weekend,” she replied.

It was, but baking was out of the question. “I’d rather get it out of the way. Maybe another time.”

“Are your grades okay?”

The concern in her tone wasn’t lost on me. Ever since I let my grades slip senior year of high school after Zach left, she constantly worried about me and school.

“Couldn’t be better,” I said. And before she could bring up the cookies again, I told her I had to go and hung up.

For a while baking was a huge part of my life. I baked when I was happy, and I baked in excess when I was upset. Maybe that had to do with my current lack of passion for the one thing I used to love.

When my grandfather passed away I baked for twelve hours straight. Zach sat with me for nine of those hours.

When Zach moved away I baked every day. I baked cookies and cakes and brownies and whatever else I could whip up and stick in the oven. Josh blamed me for gaining five pounds, but I kept going. It was the only thing that kept my mind off Zach.

Maybe I was relating baking to bad memories, or maybe I just grew out of it. Either way my desire and my passion were gone. And I didn’t think they would ever come back.

I walked around the counter into our galley kitchen and stared at the stove. Nothing. The excitement that used to flow through me whenever I tried a new recipe was no longer there and there was no point in baking without it.

I popped in a movie and settled on the couch. I remembered when I couldn’t wait to have my own place, to have my own privacy. I never realized how lonely it could be.

Josh arrived an hour later than I expected. He burst through the door, a hat adorned with his school’s mascot covering his dirty blond hair and his duffel bag hanging from his shoulder.

“Hey, lil sis.” He scooped me up in his arms, my feet dangling above the floor. I don’t know why he was gifted with all the height. He put me back down and stepped back. “So what’s the plan tonight? Any good parties going on?”

There probably were, but I didn’t seek them out. Josh was the partier, not me. I usually waited till he got in then let him figure it out. He had party radar and could find the most random of locations with kegs and tons of people.

I did fantasize about throwing my own party, it being the talk of campus and declared the best party of the year. It was on my bucket list.

“Let me run a brush through my hair and we can head out.”

“Awesome. Where’s Sades?” He reached down and picked up one of her pillows, placing it to the side before flopping onto the cushions.

“Babysitting,” I called out over my shoulder as I headed to the bathroom. I grabbed my brush and walked back into the living room. “So did you want to go pick pumpkins tomorrow?”

Josh gave a quick glance in my direction. “Aren’t you too old for that?”

“You’re never too old to pick pumpkins. And besides, we always carve them together. It’s tradition.”

He took his hat off and tossed it on the back of the sofa. “You’re in college now. And traditions are meant to be broken.”

“No they’re not. Come on Josh. It’ll be fun. I’ll even buy you a caramel apple.” I ran the brush over my highlighted strands, pouting my bottom lip.

“With nuts?” he asked.

“Yes, with nuts.”

“Is Joe coming?”

He was supposed to until he made plans without me for the weekend and then didn’t think it was necessary to tell me until the very last minute. I didn’t say that though. I told Josh a lot of things, but I didn’t want him to think poorly of Joe before he got the chance to meet him.

“No, something came up. Family stuff. He’ll be gone for the weekend,” I said instead.

“Too bad, I was looking forward to threatening him.”

I glared at him then waited for him to pity me and give in.

“Okay, fine. You driving?” he asked.

“I guess. I don’t really want to put dirty pumpkins in my car, but why not.” I shrugged.

“So it’s okay to get my truck dirty.”

“Like it’s clean anyway.” I threw one of the decorative pillows at his head, but being an ex-state champion baseball player he caught it before it hit him.

“Good point.” He set the pillow on the couch. “You almost ready? Let’s go before the girls get too drunk to talk to.”

I rolled my eyes and followed him out the door.

* * *

You’d think I’d have learned that going out with my brother required a full day of recovery. My bed was so comfortable I wanted to stay beneath my covers as long as I could. But I’d talked Josh into going pumpkin picking, and there was no way I was missing out. Assuming he was functioning after last night’s festivities.

Grudgingly, I dragged myself out of bed and went to the kitchen. I needed caffeine ASAP.

I stepped out of my bedroom expecting to find Josh in a coma. The last thing I expected to see at the crack of dawn was Zach sitting on my couch playing video games with my brother.

Josh leaned back into the beige sofa. “Oh, hey, sis. Look who I bumped into at 7-Eleven this morning.”

This morning. As if it was the middle of the afternoon. I thought for sure after the fifth body shot he did off the bartender, he’d be hurting when he woke up. But there he was, smiling as if he hadn’t played three rounds of beer pong too. And Zach. Ugh!

I glanced at the green numbers on the cable box and was surprised to see it wasn’t actually the ass crack of dawn, but 11:22 a.m.

“’Morning, sunshine,” Zach said, a stupid grin settling on his face, which made me want to smack it off.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, flipping my hair out of my face with my hand.

“Like Josh said, we bumped into each other. He invited me to go pumpkin picking with you guys. I can’t believe you still do that.”

My nails dug into my palms and I could feel the anger widening my eyes. I didn’t know who I wanted to kill more, my stupid brother or Zach.

“Excuse me?” was all I was able to get out.

“I thought it’d get boring just the two of us. Besides, I can’t believe you didn’t tell me Zach was here,” Josh said, effectively passing Zach on my “who I want to kill more” list.

“This is a joke. Right?”

A sick, twisted joke.

“Lizzie, you know I don’t joke.” That damn grin returned. “Now go get ready.” I glared at Zach with every ounce of disgust I could muster. “Oh, and you might want to do something with your hair.”

“Ugh!” I turned so fast I could have given myself whiplash. I stormed out of the living room and straight to the bathroom mirror.

If it was possible to die from embarrassment, I would have dropped right then and there. My hair stood up in all directions like something I’d imagine Medusa sported on a really bad day. I’d forgotten to wash my face before bed and had black mascara smeared under my lids. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I had dried drool on the corner of my lip.

I wasn’t even wearing my cute pajamas. I was too tired to care, so I had just grabbed something out of my dresser. Which just happened to be a crappy pair of sweatpants with paint stains and an oversized t-shirt Josh brought back his first visit from school when I still lived at home.

Wait a minute. Who cared if Zach saw me looking bad? Okay, horrible. But seriously, why did I even care? The only person I needed to look good for was Joe. And he was on the road with the band.

I didn’t get my coffee, but I wasn’t going back out there. I turned the shower on, rid myself of my craptastic pajamas and stepped in. I didn’t need to look good for Zach, but that didn’t mean I wanted him to see me looking horrendous again.

An hour later I evaluated myself in the mirror. Hair straight, but with volume I have no idea how I managed to pull off. A pair of dark-wash denim skinny jeans with a white shirt, a gray three-quarter sleeve grandfather cardigan and a lightweight gray and white scarf. And since the weather was finally cooling down, I was able to wear my gray crocheted slouch boots.

“Much better,” Zach said when I walked into the living room, making me want to dive across the couch and smack him upside his head.

“I’m so happy to have your approval.” I rolled my eyes. “Are we ready or what?” I turned my attention to Josh, who was still playing video games.

“Oh, yeah. I just have to use the bathroom. I’ll be right back.” Josh released the controller from his grasp and left the living room. Since Josh never did anything quickly, I flopped down on the couch in the farthest spot possible from Zach.

I rested my ankle on my knee and leaned back, letting the overstuffed pillows swallow me.

“What the hell are those?” Zach pushed at my foot with his finger.

“My boots.”

“It looks like your foot’s being attacked by a Muppet.” I looked at him and then down at the material wrapped around my leg and laughed. It really did.

“Did I just get a laugh out of Liz Wagner?” His dark eyebrows rose in fake shock.

“It was funny, I’ll give you that, but don’t worry, it won’t happen again.”

With a narcissistic confidence shining in his eyes he flashed a half grin and said, “We’ll see.”

* * *

“Get in,” I said to Zach and Josh as I hit the unlock on my keypad ten minutes later.

Zach looked through the passenger side window. “No, I’ll drive. Don’t want the pumpkins to dirty your car and cause you to get your panties in a bunch.”

I rolled my eyes and purposely walked past Zach’s open door and around to Josh’s. I climbed into the Jeep and flopped into the backseat.

Little did Zach know it was hard for a thong to actually bunch. Not that I told him that. As far as I was concerned the less Zach knew about my undergarments the better.

There was a time when I was excited to tell him about my adventures in lingerie shopping. I was young and had a boyfriend I was crazy about and loved nothing more than watching the desire to see said lingerie burn in his eyes.

Some may say I was a tease, but I never thought so. It wasn’t that I excited him with no intention of actually following through. It’s just every time we inched past second base I’d panicked.

I wanted to. There was no denying how much I wanted to. I just couldn’t. I was so young, and I was afraid it wouldn’t be everything I imagined, or worse, everything he had imagined. Everything at that time was perfect, so why would I risk it?

Anyways, it wasn’t like I could change the past, or even like I wanted to. I had already decided I would lose my virginity to Joe. I was just waiting for the perfect time. Joe and I had gotten close so many times, but again, something in the back of my mind stopped me from following through.

I wasn’t scared of losing the perfection Joe and I had because let’s face it, perfection didn’t exist. The naïve little girl I’d once been was gone. I could see the flaws in Joe as well as in our relationship, but for me that’s what made it real. I wasn’t living in the fairy tale. Which is why I couldn’t figure out what it was that kept stopping me from taking the final step.

Out of all my friends I was the only virgin, even though, other than Sadie, they’d all assumed I lost it with Zach, until one drunken night I confessed. Zach and I never actually did it. Now I’m the DV: designated virgin.

My eyes glanced over at the boy I’d once loved. The baby soft skin of his face was no longer: dark stubble had taken over. A year ago he didn’t even need to shave. The breakouts he was so prone to getting on his forehead were a thing of the past. Maybe it had something do with his hair not resting along his forehead anymore.

Either way I couldn’t deny the past year had been good for him. Who would have thought the lanky boy who was basically the football team’s water boy would turn out to look more like its captain?

Zach turned onto a patch of grass where other cars were parking. I wanted to get out on Josh’s side, but my brother being my brother, shut the door on me as I moved towards it. Before I could knock on the window, Zach had his seat up and his hand out to me.

Not that I took it. I was perfectly capable of getting out of his Jeep by myself. I swatted his hand away and moved towards the door at a ninety-degree angle to avoid hitting my head.

My foot hooked the belt, sending me, arms flailing, out the door. I fell into Zach’s waiting arms. As if he somehow knew I would need him to catch me. I didn’t have to look up to know a giant smirk was spread across his face.

Not only did his arms look different, but they felt different too. Bigger, stronger, but just as warm as they always had been. The spicy scent of him entered my senses and memories of the night he’d carried me to bed started to come back.

“I’ll never let go.” His breath shot chills up my spine as the words echoed in my mind.

I pushed my hands against his chest, trying to get as much distance from him as I could. “Now we both know that’s a lie.” With my eyes glued on him and an intensity inside of me I didn’t know I possessed, I shoved past him.

* * *

I hated Zach’s ability to not let things bother him. While I eye-rolled and clenched my fists, he goofed off with my brother. Seriously, how could two relatively grown boys find pleasure in racing wheelbarrows?

So what if I was being antisocial? I was pissed. I just didn’t exactly know why. I tried to convince myself it was because Zach had thwarted my plans, but it was more than that. The fact that he whispered those stupid words so carelessly in my ear sparked a fire deep within me. What gave him the right to bring up something from our past like that? Something that had meaning once upon a time?

“Liz, jump in!” Zach yelled as he ran towards me with the wheelbarrow. Was he crazy? There was no way I was getting in that thing. Besides, couldn’t he tell I was pissed at him? He’d just uttered words into my ears that were strictly off-limits. They belonged in the past. And he blurted them out like it was yesterday when we were cuddled up on my bed watching Titanic.

He didn’t just let go either. Oh no. He tossed me into the sea to be eaten by sharks. At least in the movie Jack had the decency to die. That’s an excuse I could understand. What was Zach’s? Who the heck knew?

“Come on, get in.”

I kept walking, hoping he’d get the hint and disappear.

Where was Josh when I needed him? Too busy flirting with the girl at the weigh-in station. Of course.

“What happened to the fun girl I used to know?”

You left her behind. You broke her heart and turned her from fun and spontaneous to practical and structured. I couldn’t be taken by surprise when my life was on a one-way track.

“She disappeared, but you know all about that, so maybe you can go find her. Tell you what. You go ahead and let me know how it goes.” I went to turn away, but stopped. “Better yet, I don’t need to know. Just go.”

“Lizzi . . . Liz, come on. Is this how it’s going to be?” His hand rested on my elbow and it took every ounce of my being to ignore the heat that shot through my arm directly to my heart. “You can’t hate me forever,” he said, breath hot against my ear, his cologne invading my senses.

I turned around, ready to tear into him. Tell him I could hate him forever and would because he abandoned me. But my eyes settled on his, and I melted. All anger was lost in the cool autumn breeze as I looked into the eyes of the only boy who I ever truly loved.

It was all Sadie’s fault. It might have been obvious, but I was doing a darn good job of hiding from the truth until she gave me no choice but to face it. Damn her for being too perceptive a friend.

A chunk of hair blew into my face, momentarily obstructing my view of Zach and those magnetic eyes. It was my cue to pull away. The connection was severed and I had my chance to dive into the pumpkin field and hide amongst the families. But he reached his hand out and moved the hair from my face, tucking it behind my ear.

A warm, familiar tingle spread up my neck and into my cheeks. After all this time my body still reacted to his touch in the exact same way it always had. My pulse quickened and my breathing became shallow.

His lips were dangerously close and I wanted to feel them more than my next breath. He ran his hand to the end of my strand taking it in between his fingers and I thought I would combust. “I like the blond streaks. They look good on you.”

I sucked in a calming breath. “Thanks. I just wanted a change,” I said, hoping the words wouldn’t show how he was affecting me.

“Change can be good.” My hair fell through his fingers and he pulled his hand back to his side. Part of me was relieved, but the other part was disappointed. “So Joe Resnick, huh?”

Huh? “Yes! Joe.” My boyfriend, the man I loved in a mature type of way.

“He doesn’t deserve you, you know.”

My eyes shot up, ears burning in frustration. He was unfreakinbelievable!

“No, I don’t know, Zach. But what I do know is he would never leave me. He’d be man enough to come to me and end things instead of just vanishing from my life.” I allowed him one last look at my face so he could read the emotion running through my mind and then I stomped away.

I wouldn’t take any more of Zach’s crap. And the fact that I’d actually thought about kissing him . . . what was I thinking? Apparently I wasn’t.

All I wanted was to spend some time with my brother before he left to go back to his dream school. And I wanted to go pumpkin picking, damn it! Instead I was trying to blend in with the vegetables in the farmers’ market.

Being five foot five, it was kind of hard to blend in with the cucumbers and tomatoes, so I took my pissy self to the corn maze, paid the three-dollar entrance fee and disappeared into the long green stalks.

Zach didn’t even know Joe. What, he’d had a class with him back in the seventh grade? Not exactly grounds for such a bold statement.

Besides, what did he know about what was and wasn’t good for me? He’d been MIA, a complete void in my life for a long time. The cashier at the bagel store had a better idea about what was good for me than he did.

Just because you loved someone once doesn’t mean you know everything about them forever. And to top it off he had the nerve to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. He lost that right when he stopped calling. But instead of telling him that, I’d fallen under his stupid spell.

I came to a fork in the maze, but before I could choose which path would bring me farther into the stalks I was hit by a corn missile. I bent low and took cover behind a scarecrow. The ground beneath me was littered with discarded corn, perfect to return fire.

An ear of corn struck the scarecrow in front of me. Whoever these kids were, they meant business. With determination running through my veins, I picked up the piece that landed on the ground and chucked it back in the direction it came from.

As it flew through the air, I ran. I found a fork in the maze and hung right.

Loud thunks followed me as I maneuvered through the thick stalks. Every now and again when I was brave enough I stopped, turned and launched one back.

Somewhere between the corn missiles and the running for cover, I forgot to be pissed. Everything that happened earlier faded farther away with each twist in the maze.

My mouth twitched, and I started laughing so hard it became difficult to run. Gasping for breath, I stopped, bent over, and let the laughter take over.

“Truce. Truce!” I waved my scarf in the air to signify the end of our game. I wanted to meet the kids that gave me the day I had hoped for. The day Zach had single-handedly ruined.

I’d buy them a caramel apple. They deserved it more than my door-closing, ex-boyfriend-inviting brother anyway.

I saw the shadow first, then the dark brown eyes.

All I could do was smile. Because Zach did exactly what I told him he wouldn’t be able to do again.

He made me laugh.

Chapter 8

I watched as my peers turned their heads, putting hands to their mouths as each image of my plastic pollution presentation appeared on the screen. Zach didn’t react. He just sat back, shaking his head with anger in his eyes.

In high school he’d wanted to be a marine biologist. Had that changed?

So much had happened in our time apart, I felt like I didn’t know Zach anymore. But for the first time since he came back, I wanted to.

After the slide show, we headed out to West Shore Beach armed with garbage bags. I led the way with Tanya and Vicky, while Zach walked behind us with Chris D’Angelo.

We started along the dunes, spreading out to cover more area in a shorter amount of time. Tanya and Vicky detached from me and went off into their own world, like they always did.

“Hey.”

I was sick of keeping up the I-hate-you façade so I turned when Zach’s voice reached my ears.

“Hey back.” A cluster of cigarette butts were inches from where we stood. I bent down and placed them in the garbage bag with my gloved hand. “What’s new?”

“Do you really want to know, or are you just trying to be polite?”

“You know I wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t want to know.”

“True. You’ve never been overly polite before. I don’t know what would make me think that changed,” he said, helping me pick up the remainder of the cigarettes.

“I’d have you know I can be very polite and charming.” His eyes narrowed in on me until we both laughed.

“Okay, we know I’m neither polite nor charming,” I said, standing up.

He rose until his eyes were fixed on mine. “I never said you weren’t charming.”

Warmth seeped into my cheeks. “Can we get back to the original question?”

“‘What’s new’ is kind of a broad topic. I don’t know where to start.”

“I’ll make it easy for you. Why are you here? You could’ve gone to school anywhere. Why here?” He should’ve been in Hawaii spending his days studying ocean life and his nights watching the sun set over the Pacific. He had the grades. The determination. It was always the plan.

His eyes grew dull with sadness. He was obviously bothered by the content of the answer to that question.

“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” I said. I didn’t want to make him discuss something that was clearly upsetting him. And after the way I’d been treating him, I was probably the last person he’d want to confide in.

“No, I do. You’d understand better than anyone else.”

I stopped, frozen in place. Would I? It wasn’t just yesterday when he moved away. I really didn’t know him better than anyone else anymore.

“It’s Mimi.”

My head snapped up.

He took a deep breath before continuing. “She’s sick,” he said, rubbing the spot between his eyebrows.

“No, not Mimi.” Instinctively I reached out, grabbing his wrist. Mimi, Zach’s grandma, was as kind as the sun was bright. She was always one of my favorite people. So full of life. She couldn’t be sick.

“She couldn’t live on her own anymore. We sold the house. Moved her into assisted living. There were no places available close to my parents, and they didn’t want her to be alone. Dad was going to quit his job, but I couldn’t let him do that. So I changed my college plans. I go and see her as often as I can. Take her shopping. Bring her to bingo.” I let go of his wrist as he continued. “It’s been rough, but it’s Mimi. I’d do anything for her. Besides, after being away, it’s nice to be close to home again.”

Except his home, Mimi’s home, was no longer his. They’d sold it. But I assumed it wasn’t about the house.

“Why? Didn’t you like it there?” I asked.

“Not really. It never felt like home. Still doesn’t. My studio apartment here feels more like home. Not to mention I missed my friends. Mimi. You.”

I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that him missing me made every part of me well up with pure ecstasy. For over a year I’d thought the missing was one-sided. It was nice to know it wasn’t.

“Well, you’re here now,” I said in hopes I could cover my smile with words. “Granted things are a little different, and it’s not really home. But it’s close enough.”

“I guess.”

“So how sick is she?” On one hand, I wanted to know. On the other, I was scared of the truth. But it was Mimi. I needed to know.

“She has the beginning stages of dementia. Some days she’s fine, and other days she forgets to turn the iron off. And on really bad days, she doesn’t know who I am or she thinks I’m my dad.”

“Oh, Zach, that’s terrible. I’m so sorry.”

He shrugged, then bent down and picked up a bottle cap. It was obvious he was trying to cover the pain tugging at the corners of his eyes.

His grandmother was a big part of his life. He’d lived up the road from her from the day he was born. He spent more time at her house as a kid than he did at his own.

That house was a part of Zach, and I’d never stopped to think how he felt to leave it behind. During the short time we’d managed to stay together after he left, he never mentioned it. He’d rarely talked about what he left behind though. All he’d wanted was to hear what I had to say.

Was that why he stopped calling? Was I that selfish to not think about how hard leaving must’ve been for him? Did I even ask?

“I wish I’d known. I would’ve gone to see her,” I said, and for a split second his eyes lit up.

“Really?”

“Of course! I love Mimi. You know that.”

“She still asks about you. On her good days, you know. She’d love to see you.”

She still asked about me? My heart swelled like a marshmallow in a microwave. “I’d love to see her.”

He didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to. I could see the contentment in the slight smile that tugged at his lips.

“Now, what about you? What’s new?” he finally asked after we’d walked another twenty feet down the beach.

“Not much to tell.” The words brought me back to our first meeting in high school, when he gave me the same bullshit answer during our get-to-know-your-classmate activity.

“If I know anything, I know Liz Wagner leads anything but a normal, boring life.”

“Then I guess you don’t know anything.” And we laughed just like we used to. Nothing existed except us. We were in our own world.

“How long have you and Joe been together?”

And just like that he ripped our world from its orbit and threw it back into reality.

* * *

When I told Zach I’d go see Mimi, I didn’t expect to go directly from the beach. But after seeing the excitement in his eyes, I couldn’t say no.

Since I’d carpooled with Professor Mulligan, Zach offered to take me to Mimi’s then drop me off at my place. The orange color of his Jeep was usually hard to miss, but the truck was currently caked in mud.

“Ever hear of a car wash?” I asked, eyeing the mess.

“A car wash? What’s that?”

I gave a good shove to his shoulder. “Very funny, smartass.”

“I went off-roading yesterday afternoon. The inside is clean. Here, I’ll even open the door for you, so you don’t have to touch the handle.”

“How kind.” He reached around me and my breath hitched at his proximity.

“What can I say? I’m a gentleman.” His breath, warm and minty, lingered on my skin.

“That’s debatable.”

“You really know how to get to a guy’s heart.” He opened the door and waited until I climbed in.

I took my step up then turned back to him. “I try.”

He was right. The inside wasn’t a disaster. Even the back seat, which had been covered in dirt from when we went pumpkin picking, was spotless.

I was impressed.

I thought the ride to Mimi’s would be awkward, but I should have known Zach didn’t do awkward.

“Mom’s doing good, still tutoring,” he said, his eyes focused on the road in front of him. “What about you?” I asked, wanting to know what I’d missed while we’d been apart.

He stopped at a red light and glanced over at me. “What about me?”

Everything and anything. I wanted to know what became of my Zach. How similar or how different the new Zach was.

“Do you still want to be a marine biologist?”

His dark eyes twinkled. “Absolutely. The love I have for the ocean will never go away.”

The words punched me in the gut. Hard. The ocean was able to keep his love, but I wasn’t.

“By the way, your presentation was amazing.”

I took a calming breath to ease the pain. “Thanks.”

A few seconds of silence passed, but Zach could never stay quiet for long. “So have you seen Purge play?”

“More times than I’d like to admit.”

“Between me and you . . .” He waved his finger like a metronome. “They suck.”

A giggle escaped my lips and I threw my hand over my mouth.

“What? They do! Joe’s not here. It’s just me and you. You can laugh about it.”

So I did. As I was laughing a Nickelback song came on the radio and he turned it up and started belting it out.

“Come on, Liz. Don’t you remember Zach and Liz Karaoke Time?” he asked, bobbing his head to the music and tapping the steering wheel with his hands.

How could I forget Zach and Liz Karaoke Time? It was never planned. It was always a random outburst, usually on Zach’s part. We would be doing homework or just hanging out with the radio on for background noise, when Zach would hear a song and crank it up. He’d then proceed to sing as if he was trying to win the finale of American Idol. I always grabbed a brush or whatever I could turn into a microphone and joined him.

I answered him with the chorus of the song and we sang for the rest of the drive. By the time we got there I was laughing so hard my ribs hurt. Out of everything, I missed this the most. Just letting loose, being myself, and not worrying what Zach thought about me, because no matter what I did, he’d never think of me any differently.

With Zach it was easy to be me. I never had to tiptoe around his feelings or feel embarrassed for any reason. And he never tread lightly with me either. Everything was out there, front and center.

And even though I blamed Zach for the breakup because he stopped calling, I secretly blamed myself too. Because I said too much the last time we talked. I must have scared him off or something. It was the only thing that made sense. My big mouth ruined everything.

The fantasies that played out in my head about us going to school together, graduating, getting our own place, getting married, should have stayed in my head. It was too much too soon.

* * *

The assisted living community was nicer than I expected. Lush gardens surrounded the property and a gazebo complete with benches sat in the middle of the lawn. I imagined Mimi sitting there with her canvas, painting and enjoying a nice day.

Zach came around to help me down, but I was already safely to the ground, so he settled for shutting the door.

“She was good this morning,” he said over his shoulder as he walked towards the entrance. “I probably should’ve called ahead to see if that changed, but you said yes so easily I didn’t want to give you a chance to run for the hills.”

“When have you ever known me to run?” As soon as the words left my mouth, something I couldn’t decipher flashed in his eyes. I shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other when I realized my statement implied more than I intended.

Of course I wasn’t known to run. I was the idiot who sat by the phone day after day waiting for his call. Maybe I should take up running. It was probably easier to run from your problems than allow them to consume you.

“Come on.” Zach placed his hand on my lower back, then just as quickly pulled it away. But I felt the sparks right down to my toes. And from the look on his face, he felt them too.

We walked in and the woman at the desk waved. “Hi Zach,” she said with a smile, tucking her dark hair behind her ear and giving me a once-over.

He flashed his most charming smile. “Hi Cheryl. This is . . .” He glanced at me then back to her. “My friend. Liz.”

Cheryl reached her hand over the desk and I returned the gesture.

“How was the concert?” he asked.

“Fantastic. My Becky knocked them dead.”

“Sounds like she takes after her mom.” Zach winked, and Cheryl grinned. “How was she today?”

“After you left this morning she went out and got a haircut. I’m sure she talked Lucille’s ear off about you.”

“That’s good to hear. I’ll catch you later.”

“You know where to find me.”

Zach led me down a corridor and around the corner, stopping in front of a door with a seashell wreath. He knocked gently and then eased the door open. Mimi’s artistic touches were spread around her room. Hand-painted ivy wrapped around the door frame, the mirror was lined in shells, picture frames hung on the walls, and a colored glass mosaic table sat just beneath them.

Zach walked in and knelt in front of Mimi on the couch as I stared at her masterpieces, wondering if her illness would steal that talent away.

“Mimi, you have a visitor. Do you remember . . .”

“Oh my goodness, if it isn’t Lizzie Wagner!” Mimi exclaimed. “Look at you. Prettier than ever. Come here and give me a hug.”

She remembered me. I felt honored, and quickly took her up on her request.

I bent down to embrace her delicate frame and her arms wrapped around me with surprising strength. By the upturn of Zach’s lips it was obvious I had made the right choice by going with him.

“So why is it okay for her to call you Lizzie?” Zach asked as Mimi released her grip.

“Simple. Because I like her.” I flashed my best smile.

“Of course,” he said.

“Why don’t we go to the dining room? We’ll have some brownies and catch up.” Mimi clapped her hands together. “Or wait. If I remember correctly, you were more of a cookie girl.”

“You’re right, Mimi,” Zach said. “Do you remember how Liz used to make cookies for you?”

She tilted her head, eyes focused as if in deep concentration, trying to access that memory in her brain.

“Wait. Yes, I do. Those island cookies you made were delicious.” She clapped her hands together again.

“Oh, I forgot about those,” Zach said. “They were good. Really good. Maybe Liz will make them again for you.”

“I don’t bake anymore.” The words came rushing out.

Zach’s head snapped around to me, his brows drew together, and I braced for his remark.

Mimi beat him to it. “That’s quite all right. I don’t need the extra sugar anyway.”

Thank God. I’d blurted it out before I thought about it. If Mimi wasn’t there, Zach would want an explanation, and I simply didn’t have one. Or at least one I was willing to let him in on.

We spent a few hours with Mimi talking about the past year and about her crafts. She was delighted to find out I still had the jewelry box she’d made me and even more so when I told her it stayed out on my dresser for everyone to see. Not that many people went into my room, but either way it put a sparkle in her eyes.

By seven p.m., Mimi said she was tired and called it a night.

“Today was a good day.” Zach said as he opened the door to the Jeep so I could get in.

“I’m happy I came,” I said when he got in the driver seat.

“You made Mimi’s day. Maybe even her week.”

“I doubt that, but still, it was really good to see her.”

“She’s always loved you,” he said. I smiled at the sentiment. “So why don’t you bake anymore?” My smile faded.

“I, uh . . .” Okay, so stuttering wasn’t exactly helping the situation, but I didn’t know what to say. If I told the truth, he would know how much of an effect he’d had on me. I needed to lie, but my mind had turned to Jell-O. Every thought bounced and jiggled out of reach and I couldn’t wrap my brain around a single word, let alone an entire lie.

To make matters worse we pulled up to a red light. Zach shifted his focus from the road in front of him and turned his head so his eyes were fixed on me.

“So?”

I was about to give up when my brain finally started working again. To cover the lie I leaned my chin onto my hand and let my fingers cover the spot of my lip that twitched.

“I got bored with it. It was fun for a while, but everything is fun when it’s new. Besides, after Josh left I had no one to try my new recipes. Plus after gaining five pounds, I realized I didn’t want to look at another cookie again.”

I was too scared to look at him. Great, now he was going to think I fell into a deep depression because of him. Bet he had already painted a lovely picture of me, tears streaming down my face while I buried my sorrows in a bowl of cookie dough.

Not that the idea was far-fetched.

“Never thought you’d think baking was anything but fun, but I get it,” he said. “People change. They find new hobbies. Life goes on.” I was grateful he didn’t question me further.

“Yeah, something like that,” I said.

I really didn’t think it would be that easy. The old Zach wouldn’t have believed that half-assed answer. He would have seen right through the lie. But like he said, people change.

Chapter 9

Another Saturday night, another night Joe blew me off for the band. I thought girls were usually the groupies, but Joe was definitely the official Purge groupie. I can’t say he completely blew me off since he did invite me to their show. But Zach was right, they sucked. If Charlie was the only one playing I might have considered. But I had better things to do on a Saturday night than dodge a crowd that thought it needed to break into a mosh pit during every single song.

I’d have to get used to it though, since the band had decided that Joe was going to be their new drummer. Curtis, the old drummer, had come to his senses and realized band life wasn’t going to pay the bills. He’d had to get a real job and couldn’t keep up with their practice schedule.

The only problem? Joe wasn’t a drummer.

In fact, he’d never played a musical instrument in his life. In fourth grade when we had to decide if we wanted to be in the band or the orchestra, he chose chorus. Probably because he could stand in the back, move his lips and just get by.

But he was determined, so when he blew me off for the band, I couldn’t get too mad. He was trying to become a part of something and even if he wasn’t quite there, he was on his way.

Besides, it was also a good excuse for girls’ night. Sadie and I put our pajamas on and stretched out on the couch to watch a chick flick. She grabbed the remote and hit play, the henna from her cousin’s wedding still visible on her hand.

The best thing about living together was that we got to have a sleepover every night. I placed Sadie’s beloved pillows in their designated spot on the floor and kicked my feet up.

By the end of the movie I was surprised I hadn’t dozed off. Sadie’s phone buzzed and with the way she bit her lip, I knew it was Matt.

“What’s up with lover boy?”

She picked up one of her pillows and tossed it at my head. My hand swatted it to the floor before it hit me in the face.

I pointed to her phone. “So what’s he got to say?”

“Everyone’s convening at the Roadside. You hungry?”

“I could eat something,” I said, always up for a meal.

We changed into jeans and headed out. The Roadside was a diner on the outskirts of town that still had grease on the floor from the day the doors opened fifty years ago. But they had the best milk shakes and burgers.

I pulled my seatbelt on. “Maybe I can actually see my boyfriend this weekend.”

“Yeah, and Matt will be there too.”

“I figured that when you said everyone,” I said, unable to resist pointing it out.

Five years and countless relationships later and she still had yet to actually make a move, in spite of my constant encouragement. Seriously, what did she have to lose? Matt would either go with it or not. At least then she could stop obsessing over everything he said and did.

By the time we got to the diner, all the usual suspects were there. Joe, Scott, Ruthie, and Matt all huddled at one booth, Ruthie sitting on Scott’s lap. I didn’t even do a double take. We were all used to the Ruthie and Scott show.

One person was missing though.

Zach.

He and Matt were always close, and it was only natural that they’d started hanging out again. Where was he? If I asked, would it look like I cared about him? Because I didn’t. I was just curious.

“Babe, you’re here!” Joe yelled out when Sadie and I approached the booth. He climbed around the table, gathered me in his arms, spun me around once then kissed me as he put my feet back on the ground. Little things like that made my day.

“How was the show?” I asked.

Joe’s eyes lit up. “Awesome!” he exclaimed and squeezed me closer to him. I nuzzled into his chest and he leaned down to my ear. “But it would’ve been better if you were there.” He pulled away and a smile spread across my face at his words.

Matt jumped up from his spot, retrieved a chair and made room for me and Sadie. Interesting how he made sure Sadie sat next to him. I gave her the look, the one that said are-you-seeing-what-I’m-seeing, then gave her a nod of acknowledgement.

A piece of paper with scribbles all over sat in the middle of the table. “So we were just going over a new song we’re working on,” Joe said.

“What’s it about?” I asked.

The band looked at each other and then at the paper as if the paper would talk. I stared at the group with a lifted eyebrow and waited for them to gather their thoughts into a comprehensible response.

“It’s about, like . . . the past,” Joe said. I nodded as if his answer made me understand completely.

Charlie put her pen down. “It’s about how things change and how at one point in time you think this is it, this is my life, but what you don’t realize is that it’s just one moment and while you’re thinking that, your life is already changing. If that even makes sense. Once you hear the lyrics it’ll make more sense.” Thank God for Charlie. Even if it wasn’t completely understandable, it was better than what Joe gave me.

“Awesome,” Sadie said, in between glances at Matt.

“With Zach here, and how you guys all knew him in high school,” Scott said, “it had us all reminiscing about old times, and it kind of just hit us.”

“Where is he anyway?” The question came out involuntarily, so I ran my fingers through my hair and played it off like it was just a passing thought.

“He said something about his grandma. She was having a bad day or something like that, so he had to stay with her,” Matt said as he rested his arm across the back of Sadie’s chair.

What was a bad day for Mimi like? Even though Zach had kind of filled me in, I didn’t know anybody else with dementia. All I had to go on was what I’d seen on TV and in the movies.

The conversation drifted back to the song in progress, but my thoughts stayed on Zach. Was he okay? Was Mimi okay? Should I call him and see if he needed anything? Then again, I didn’t have his number, though I still had Mimi’s old one permanently engraved in my memory. Josh would have Zach’s cell number.

Not that I would call him. First off, it was well after ten p.m. and secondly, Zach’s life wasn’t my concern anymore.

When Tessa the big-haired waitress appeared, I pushed away the thoughts of Mimi and I ordered a plate of curly fries.

* * *

An hour later Sadie and Matt were talking in the parking lot, and I took Joe up on his offer to drive me home. I was pretty much jumping at any chance we could get alone. These days, it was all about the band.

“I missed you,” I said when he put the car in drive.

“I saw you yesterday, and we just spent like two hours together.” He looked at me like I had two heads.

I trailed my finger along his jaw line. “I don’t mean like that.” A knowing look flashed in his eyes.

“Your place or mine?” he asked, giving me a devious look.

“I was thinking somewhere with a view.” I didn’t have to say anything else. Joe took the first right turn and headed down to the ocean.

Before he got so caught up in the band, we used to spend a lot of time down at the shoreline, intertwined with each other. I missed those days.

As soon as he put the car in park, I pulled my seat belt off and kicked my leg over the console so that I was straddling him. The seat tilted back as our lips touched.

It felt like an eternity since Joe and I had been alone, and I was ready to take full advantage of the situation. But when his hand slid to the button of my jeans and his fingers worked to release it, I panicked.

“I have my period!” I blurted out and flung my body back with such force the steering wheel jammed into my back.

“Huh?” Joe looked up at me with make out-hazy eyes.

“I, uh, have my period.” Which wasn’t true.

“That’s okay. We could do other stuff.” He shifted beneath me, and I heard the sound of his zipper.

“That’s not what I had in mind either,” I said, trying to rub away the throbbing pain in my back.

“Then why’d you want to come here?” he asked, as if he was annoyed our night would only consist of kissing.

“Because we’ve barely spent any time together and I just wanted to be with you. God, it’s as if kissing me isn’t good enough.” I flung myself back into the passenger seat and turned my focus to the darkness outside my window.

“Liz, I never said that.” His voice, tight with frustration, made the air thick with tension.

“You didn’t have to. I know that’s what you’re thinking,” I snapped.

“So you’re a mind reader now?”

I looked at him with my don’t-start-with-me-look, but he instantly shot back his you’re-being-ridiculous look.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I just got the impression you wanted to do a little more. I didn’t mean anything by it. Hey.” He reached out and ran his finger down the outline of my jaw. “You know I love you, right?”

I let the corner of my mouth begin to lift, and as my eyes met his, the other side lifted as well. He did love me, and I was being ridiculous. I had only myself to blame.

“Come here,” he said as he lifted his arm up for me. I fell right into the curve of his body. He pressed a kiss to my head, and we spent the rest of the time in each other’s arms. We talked about the band, his drum lessons, school and whatever else came to mind.

It was perfect.

Exactly what I needed.

Joe dropped me off shortly after midnight. I could’ve invited him up to stay the night, but I didn’t want to give him false hope after the earlier incident.

I had just gotten inside when my phone beeped. I reached into my bag and checked the text.

Liz, it’s Zach. Call me. It’s important.

I stared at it for five minutes, then another five. I stared at it until the letters bled together.

I was over-thinking it. All I had to do was hit “Call.” He said it was important.

“Hello”

The words froze in my throat.

“Lizzi . . . Liz, is that you?”

“Yeah it’s me. What’s up? Everything okay? Is it Mimi?”

“Can I come by?” My stomach clenched at his tone. “Please?”

Normally I would have said no, but the desperation in his voice made me say yes. It was a tone I rarely heard. The last time I heard it, he was telling me his dad took the transfer and he was leaving. Whatever it was, it couldn’t have been good.

“Sadie’s sleeping. I’ll meet you in the parking lot.”

I waited ten minutes, and then I snuck out of the apartment, not wanting to wake Sadie and have her interrogate me.

On the far end of the parking lot by the streetlight, Zach sat hunched over on the hood of his Jeep. His head rested in his hands, his hair was messy like the old Zach, and even though his muscles were visible beneath his thermal shirt he looked small. Smaller than I ever remembered.

He wasn’t looking at me, but I slowed my pace. How was I supposed to approach him? Announce myself, place my hand on his knee or just jump up on the hood of the Jeep?

The sound of my feet hitting the pavement disrupted the quiet night and Zach lifted his eyes to me.

“Hey,” he said and by the way his lips only curved slightly it was obvious he was trying to put on a happy face.

“Hey,” I said back.

I didn’t intend for it to be awkward, but it was. Really awkward. There was something wrong. He was hurting. But what was I supposed to do? In the past I would’ve wrapped my arms around him and comforted him until he was ready to speak. But that was something I could no longer do. I pulled myself up onto the Jeep and sat beside him.

“I didn’t know who else to call. I just feel comfortable talking to you and you’re a good listener. You always knew the right things to say.”

As his words tumbled out, I decided to stop thinking and just go with it. Friends didn’t need to overanalyze everything. They didn’t need to think about what they’re going to say. They just let it happen.

“Hit me with it,” I said as his big brown eyes looked up at me. His mouth parted and I braced for the words. But he didn’t say anything. He fumbled with his hands instead. “Come on. You just told me how I’m a good listener, so give me something to work with. Is it Mimi?”

He nodded, sadness pooling in his eyes. “It’s pretty bad. She’s healthy, you know. Her blood pressure is perfect. She could probably outrun me and our entire writing class, but that doesn’t mean anything because her mind is going. What is any of that stuff without her mind?

“Anyway, it started this morning. She kept telling me to get ready because my father was coming home, and if I wasn’t ready by the time he got home we weren’t going out to dinner.”

“That doesn’t seem so bad,” I said.

“True, except she thought I was my Dad and she was referring to my dead grandfather.”

“Jesus.”

“Tell me about it.” Zach closed his eyes and rubbed at the center of his forehead.

“But you said she has her good and bad days,” I said, trying to find the light in the tunnel, “and today was just one of her bad days.”

“But her bad days used to be fewer and farther between. It was glimpses of the disease, not an all-day battle with it. It’s just tearing me apart because there’s nothing I can do. I’m helpless.”

“That’s where you’re wrong.” I inched closer. “You spent the entire day with her. You could have gone out with us tonight, but you didn’t. You stayed with Mimi. That’s not helpless. That’s selfless.”

“Still,” he said, “I can’t stop the spells, can’t stop the disease from progressing and pretty soon she won’t even know who I am.” He moved his hand from his forehead to run his fingers through his hair.

Zach was always good at holding himself together, letting things roll off, but this was different.

I felt like him. Helpless.

There was nothing I could say. Nothing I could do. So I did the only thing I could do.

I held him.

Chapter 10

I didn’t bring up the night Zach and I spent on the hood of his Jeep and neither did he. It was as if it never happened. I preferred it that way. It just made things easier for me. For both of us.

I avoided going out with the group mainly because if I had to hear Joe go on and on with everybody about how well his drum lessons were going, I was going to take his drum stick and shove it up his . . . Whoa. Deep breath.

However, Joe had learned quickly and he was now officially a part of the band. His first gig was later that night, and he wanted me at the front of the crowd, cheering him on. I never saw myself as a groupie, but it was what Joe wanted so I would oblige. Plus, it gave me an excuse to buy a new outfit.

I headed to the mall a few towns over, glancing at the storefronts on Main Street. The windows were adorned with both fall and Christmas décor, as if the proprietors didn’t know what holiday to push.

At the crosswalk I stopped to let a family pass and glanced to my left while I waited. My eyes settled on the Santa Claus cutout in a window, then quickly focused on the commotion taking place behind it.

A man behind the counter waved his hands in the air as if he was out of patience for the customer in front of him. I inched up a little as the father took a last step out from in front of my car, and despite the honking horns behind me, I stopped dead.

With Santa no longer blocking my view, I could see into the store. Mimi was standing there in her housecoat, arguing with the man.

I could have easily driven off, gone on my way to get ready for the show, but it was Mimi and I couldn’t. I needed to make sure she was okay.

Fate was on my side, and a car pulled away from the curb a few feet in front of me. I put my blinker on and maneuvered into the space. Who said girls are bad drivers? I could parallel park anywhere.

Once my car was in the spot, I jumped out and ran across the street, halting cars in my path.

If that guy was giving Mimi a hard time I would rip him apart. Didn’t he know the customer was always right? And regardless of that, hadn’t he ever heard of respecting your elders?

From the doorway I could see the frustration in Mimi’s eyes. Their usual tranquil blue was a furious icy gray. I threw open the door and marched into the store. I was about to open my mouth and give this guy a piece of my mind when I heard Mimi.

“I don’t understand why you are making this such an issue. I just want four chicken breasts cleaned and sliced thick. If Don was here he would do it for me. He must be off today. Are you new? I’d hate to have to tell Don about your poor customer service.” I looked to the man behind the counter. He was a younger guy with dark, slicked-back hair and a five o’clock shadow.

“Ma’am, like I said, this is no longer a butcher shop. Hasn’t been in twenty years. I wish I could help you.” He wasn’t yelling at Mimi. He was trying to make her understand.

My eyes burned with held-back tears as I tried to push aside the fact that Mimi had clearly slipped back in time. In order to communicate with her, I needed to go back to the past.

“Mrs. Roberts, is that you?” I said it louder than necessary, but it worked. At the mention of her name, Mimi quickly turned and settled her eyes on me.

“I’m sorry, do I know you, dear?” She squinted in my direction.

“Probably not, but I know your son Zachary. We went to school together and I remember seeing you in the stands.” I remembered Zach’s dad was a football player back in high school. “You always had your Raider’s flag waving in the air.”

“I never missed a game. My boy was something, wasn’t he?” The tension in her face eased.

“Yes, he was.” I looked up for a second and caught the eye of the guy behind the counter. I silently pleaded with him to play along. “He brought us to State,” I said.

“He did. Oh, and what a game that was. He got two touchdowns in the first quarter.” Mimi’s eyes lit up as they always did when she talked about her family.

“He was a hometown legend,” I said, not sure how to continue the conversation.

“It was lovely talking to you dear,” Mimi said, “but if you don’t mind I am trying to order meat for my dinner. It’s our anniversary. I want to make my husband his favorite.” She turned back to the man behind the counter. If I could just find a way to get her out of the store.

“Chicken parmesan,” I blurted out, thankful for all those family dinners I had shared with them. Mimi had once boasted about how Zach was so much like his grandfather that they even had the same favorite dish.

“Why yes. How did you know?” she asked, turning back to me.

“Lucky guess.” I had to think fast. I needed to get Mimi in my car and back to the assisted living facility before she caused any more of a scene. The guy behind the counter had been kind enough not to call the cops, and I didn’t want to give him more time to think about it.

Where the hell was Zach? Of course the one time I actually needed him to pop up, he was MIA. Then again, if he knew Mimi was gone and in this state, he would be in full-on panic mode.

I needed to call him, but it would have to wait until I got Mimi in the car. I racked my brain trying to figure a way to get her there. Then it hit me.

Mimi didn’t just make chicken parmesan. Oh no. It was a production. An all-day production. Her sauce alone took six hours to cook. “Made with love and a lot of patience,” she used to say with a wooden spoon in one hand and the lid to the pot in the other. The mouthwatering scent would hit you before you even got to the porch steps.

“I bet you make your own sauce from scratch,” I said, in a last ditch effort.

“Of course I do. There is no other way to make sauce.” She took the bait and I just had to build on what I started.

“Then I bet you need to get that going so dinner will be ready in time. Did you know they now have a delivery service?” I flashed my eyes to the guy behind the counter giving him his cue to jump in.

“Oh yes, yes we do,” he responded. I looked to the ceiling, feeling as if I had to thank someone up there.

“So why don’t I take you on home.” I squinted to see the man’s name tag. “And Marcus here can deliver it when it’s ready.”

She adjusted her bag on her forearm. “Oh, well, okay. If you don’t mind,”

“No,” Marcus and I both blurted out. “Not at all,” I added.

“That would be wonderful, thank you. I don’t know what I was thinking walking into town this late.”

I held the door open for Mimi and when she was out I glanced behind me and gave a smile to Marcus for being a good sport, mouthing “thank you” before placing my hand on Mimi’s back to guide her towards my car.

“Right over here,” I said.

During the car ride I tried to keep conversation going, but talking about a past I wasn’t a part of was difficult. So I kept it basic and let Mimi do most of the talking while I pushed on with questions. It was enough to get us through the ride.

It wasn’t until I pulled up to the assisted living facility that I realized I had forgotten to text Zach.

“I’ll help you inside,” I said to Mimi as I took her hand.

“Aren’t you just the sweetest thing,” she said, her blue eyes back to their usual tranquil state.

I guided her into the facility, hoping she didn’t realize it wasn’t her house. Inside I heard the voice I associated with so many different things as of late. Except instead of his usual calm, casual tone, he was yelling.

“What do you mean you can’t find her?” He ran both hands through his hair, interlocking his fingers behind his head.

I wanted to yell out to him, but I was scared of startling Mimi. She was in a fragile state and I didn’t know what to do other than stay calm.

I let go of Mimi’s hand and walked towards him.

“Zach?” I said, tapping his shoulder. He turned, his hair sticking up in all directions.

“What are you doing here?” he asked. But when he spotted Mimi it was as if I didn’t exist. The tension that pulled tight across his face loosened as he turned. “Mimi! What happened?” He raced to Mimi’s side. “Are you okay?”

“She’s fine. I, um, found her in town.”

Zach’s eyes widened. I let my eyes speak for me. I didn’t want Mimi to overhear us. I didn’t want to confuse her any more than she already was.

“Mimi, it’s me Zach. You know, your grandson.” He bent down to eye level and took her small hand in his large one.

“Do I look old enough to have a grandson?” The wrinkles in her forehead deepened as her eyes narrowed.

Zach pinched the skin on the bridge of his nose. God only knew what was going through his mind. When he told me her spells were happening more often, was it possible he meant every day?

Emotions flickered through his eyes, and he rubbed his face as if he could wipe them away. But it would take more than that. I wanted to hold him again, if just to let him know it would get better. It had to. Didn’t it?

“Of course not,” I chimed in. “You’re a timeless beauty.”

“As are you, dear.”

Zach shot me a sideways glance. I was already in deep. Why not submerge myself completely?

“She is. Isn’t she?” Zach placed his hand on Mimi’s shoulder. “Why don’t we get you to your room?”

“Okay, it’s dinnertime anyway. Liz, do you want to stay for dinner? It’s meatloaf tonight.” Just like that she was back, completely unaware of what had transpired. I didn’t want to be rude and not answer but I couldn’t seem to form words. My mind went blank from shock.

“She has to get going,” Zach answered for me. “Big show tonight. Her boyfriend’s making his debut.” His steady gaze made me shift from one foot to the other. It was as if he had more to say. Lips parted and an unsteady feeling passed through me.

“Oh, that’s right. Your friend’s band is playing tonight. Well, have fun. I’ll see you soon, I hope,” Mimi said and walked away from us and towards her room.

The tension around Zach’s eyes eased, his posture no longer stiff as he gave my shoulder a tender squeeze. “I was losing my mind. Thanks for bringing her back.”

“Is she going to be okay?” I asked, knowing he didn’t know any more than I did, but needing to have some hope to hold on to.

“I think so. At least today she will be.”

It was enough. The future didn’t matter yet. What mattered was what was happening right then and there. Mimi was safe and as far as I could tell she was back in the present.

“You going tonight?” I asked.

“Not now. It would feel wrong to leave her.”

I nodded in understanding. While I was disappointed, I got it. I didn’t like what was happening to Mimi and I knew how Zach felt.

“Besides,” he said, “you’ll be cheering on your boyfriend.”

Confusion looped through my mind. Of course I’d be cheering on my boyfriend. That was the sole reason I was going. It definitely wasn’t because the band was good.

“I’m sure you won’t miss much anyway.” I had yet to hear the band play as a whole, but I assumed it wouldn’t be anything to write home about.

“Thanks,” he said and with a last look of gratitude, he headed towards Mimi’s room.

And like Mimi’s memory, he was there one minute and gone the next.

Chapter 11

Josh was due for another visit in two weeks, and I decided to finally cross an item off my bucket list. It was time to throw a party.

And while I was checking things off my list, I decided it was time to finally turn in my v-card too. Joe and I had been together long enough. The Monday after the party, Sadie would be babysitting overnight and I’d have the place to myself. It was perfect.

A party and the demise of my virginity. It was going to be an amazing week. I just had to be patient.

Monday in class Joe wasn’t there. Ever since he became an official member of the band he’d been blowing off classes more and more. I texted him, but he never responded.

“Where’s Joe?” Zach’s voice was hot against my ear. I whipped around, our eyes instantly connecting as if they were magnets.

I snapped them away and pulled at the hair tie on my wrist. “Not here.”

“That’s the fourth time this month.”

What was he, a human attendance list?

“Probably band stuff,” I muttered, not sure what else to say since I really had no idea where he was.

At my words, something flashed through his eyes and I couldn’t tell if it was disapproval or disbelief. To acknowledge it would mean I cared what he thought and I didn’t.

At least in that moment I didn’t think I did. It wasn’t until the clean-up committee meeting when I glanced up from my notebook and saw Zach walking in, talking with Vicky and Tanya and laughing at what Tanya said that I realized. I definitely cared.

Tanya was talking about the environment and how amazing the committee was, touching Zach’s arm at every chance she got. It wasn’t until I saw the infatuated glance she gave him and saw his ears perk up like a dog having a shiny new toy that it clicked.

Tanya might have cared about the environment, but not as much as she craved Zach’s attention. Too bad for her she wasn’t his type.

First off she was a redhead—he preferred brunettes—and secondly, he liked girls who were laid-back and fun. Who could sit and play video games with him on a Saturday night. That was not Tanya.

I was tempted to blow her cover—it was only right for Zach to know the game she was playing. Instead, I bit my tongue. Hard.

Getting through my monthly progress report had never been so vomit-inducing. Seriously, the girl had no shame flaunting her interest. I couldn’t get out of the classroom fast enough.

* * *

Later on at the beach, I was eager to catch up with Zach, feel him out, and see what his reaction to Tanya earlier actually meant.

I spotted him, back bent as he picked up something from the sand. I muttered a lame excuse to get away from Professor Mulligan and headed down the beach to him.

“How’s Mimi?” I asked as I approached.

Zach straightened his back and turned to me. “She’s good today.” His dark eyes lightened, his lips curved up and he flashed me a smile.

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other. “That’s great.” I forced my eyes away from him and focused on the seagull flying above.

It was awkward. After treating him the way I did then finding out why he was here, I felt guilty. It was weighing heavy on my mind. I wanted to explain that I didn’t mean to be so awful, but how could I do that without bringing up the past?

The past was just that—the past. I was sick of living it. Zach went pumpkin picking because Josh invited him. Because despite everything that happened between Zach and I, he and Josh were still friends. And even when Zach uttered those stupid words in my ears, it wasn’t the first time he quoted a movie. He just happened to pick the one quote I never forgot.

All the time I thought Zach was trying to ruin my life, it was really just a figment of my imagination. He wasn’t trying to ruin anything. He was just trying to go on with his life. He’d moved on and it was time I did the same. There was no use dwelling on what had happened because no matter how much I dwelled and no matter how many times I analyzed every little detail the outcome would always be the same. Time changed us and we were different.

It was time for a clean slate. To fix the mistakes I made when he first showed up on campus and stepped back into my life.

“Za . . .”

“Li . . .”

“You go first,” I said and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. Warm tingles ran through me as I remembered Zach’s hand doing the same thing at the pumpkin field.

“No, you go. Ladies first.”

Always the gentleman. “I . . . uh . . .” I looked up only to be met by a raised eyebrow. “I’m glad you’re here.”

What! Where did that come from?

His eyes sparkled with pleasure as he gave me a cocky grin and said, “Me too.” Then his grin slowly faded, the playfulness no longer visible. My body froze under the intensity. I saw the passion I once knew creep into his expression, and I should have pulled away.

I didn’t.

The way he looked at me was like no one else ever had. His eyes zeroed in on mine, then made their way down my body. My face flushed, and when his eyes came back to mine I nearly melted into the sand. I should have walked away. But it wasn’t just any guy. It was Zach.

I leaned closer, wanting, needing to feel his touch, to have his fingers run along my jaw and pull me close so I could smell his scent. As if he could read my mind he moved towards me. His hand stroked my arm, leaving a trail of goose bumps. His fingers moved from my arm up to my neck, and when he rested his hand under my chin, my entire body was tingling.

Familiar warmth flowed through me as he gently tilted my head up. Words couldn’t save me. All of my emotions were on display, making me vulnerable in the worst way.

“Lizzie.”

I didn’t correct him. I wanted to know what he was going to say.

Needed to know.

His eyes darkened, making the conflict in his mind visible. He was thinking of holding back. I couldn’t let him. For over a year I’d hoped to get a peek into his thoughts, to know everything that was running through his head.

I turned my cheek into the hand holding my chin and rubbed against it. He let go and ran his hand up my jaw. Heat built inside of me and I felt like I was on the verge of disintegrating.

For a long time he studied me, his thumb stroking my cheek. “I—”

“Help!” The scream of distress knocked me out of my trance. Zach’s hand slid from my face, and panicked shouts echoed through my ears.

Zach bolted. He stripped his shirt off mid-stride and grabbed at his sneakers as he ran to where the waves met the shoreline.

A large wave swelled onto the sand and Zach dove in. Tanya was flailing in the distance, water flying, arms flopping. Her face was twisted in fear and desperation, strands of red curls covering it as each wave pulled her farther away.

“She can’t swim well!” Vicky screeched.

Professor Mulligan ran across the beach, hands frantically reaching into her pocket. She retrieved her cell phone and dialed.

We made it to Vicky at the same time. Tears were streaming down her face and her body was shaking. I should’ve comforted her in some way, but my eyes were too focused on Zach and the giant wave crashing down on his head.

I sucked in a gasp, but he quickly sprang back to the surface.

“Please help!” Professor Mulligan said into the phone. “There are two students caught in the surf. Yes. Harrison Beach. Thank you. Please hurry.” I gave her credit for keeping it calm. If the fear hadn’t paralyzed me, I would’ve been screaming.

The rest of the committee had joined us, eyes glued to Tanya and Zach.

“It’s going to be okay,” Professor Mulligan said to Vicky.

How did she know that? Zach was a good swimmer, I remembered that much. But the riptide was strong and every time he gained an inch he lost two.

Oh God! What if he didn’t come out? What if he was washed away? A shudder racked my body, but I closed my eyes, pushing away all thoughts of Zach dead on the beach out of my mind.

“She saw a plastic bag by the water and went to grab it,” Vicky choked out. “I told her not to. And then a wave crashed down and pulled her in.” Professor Mulligan rested her hands on Vicky’s shoulders, her gaze never once leaving the two bobbing bodies in the water.

Vicky squeezed Professor Mulligan’s hand and wiped away a tear.

My eyes went back to the water. Another wave crashed down on Tanya, the white wash throwing Zach another foot away. He reached out to her, and she dove towards him. I sucked in a breath as she pushed his head under. My heart raced in fear as another wave crashed down. Where the hell was he? I was ready to strip my clothes off and dive in to rescue him when his head resurfaced.

I couldn’t help clapping as he motioned to Tanya to jump on his back and began to swim towards the shore.

He reached the sand and with his arms wrapped around her waist he dragged her ashore. The group circled around them.

Vicky dropped to her knees and flung her arms around Tanya.

“Are you okay?” Professor Mulligan asked and Vicky pulled away.

“That was freaking awesome,” Chris said and patted Zach on the back.

He didn’t acknowledge anyone. His eyes focused on Tanya. He gripped her chin in his hand just like he’d gripped mine earlier. “Are you okay?” he asked.

She nodded, then burst into tears. Her scrawny arms wrapped around his neck and pulled him close. Too close.

Seeing Zach with Tanya’s head pressed into the crook of his neck pulled at the sixteen-year-old girl inside of me, the one who had never fully let go. The one who was still in love with him.

Chapter 12

After my moment of insanity thinking I was still in love with Zach, I made an effort to return to dreaming of Joe and how amazing our first time was going to be. How it was going to change our relationship, make us stronger than ever, and how my feelings for him would only deepen.

The weekend could not arrive soon enough.

Each time I kissed Joe, I thought about that night with frustrated anticipation. I hadn’t told him. I figured it would be that much better if he didn’t know until the minute it happened.

I had set the date. Josh would arrive Friday. The party would be Saturday night. Josh would be back on the road early Monday morning, and by Tuesday I would no longer be a virgin. It was about time. I was sick of being the only one left.

Just thinking about it gave me butterflies in my stomach combined with an awkward feeling of giddiness that made me want to randomly start clapping to myself. I refrained.

In all my planning and plotting, I only thought of the positives. A possible negative never crossed my mind. I should have known right then and there that nothing goes according to plan. But still, I never would have guessed the bitch slap that life had waiting for me.

On Friday, I called my parents to wish them a safe trip.

“Kiss Josh for me. I can’t believe I’m not going to be there for one of his visits. You’ll help him with his laundry, right?” Mom asked.

“I told him to do his laundry at his own place. And no I will not kiss him for you.” I scrunched my nose. “Have fun.”

With that, Mom told me she loved me and hung up.

Josh wasn’t arriving until later that night, so I grabbed my books and headed for the campus library. I had to write a critical essay on The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco for my history class. We had to cite five sources, two of which could not be internet-based. To the library it was.

I pulled into the parking lot and headed down the path towards the library. I texted Joe, but didn’t hear back from him. I assumed he wouldn’t make it to his one p.m. class.

A guy and girl I had never seen before walked by me and the guy called over his shoulder, “Can’t wait for the party tomorrow!”

This had been happening all week. People I’d never met, coming up to me and telling me they’d see me at my party. That was life on a college campus, but I was starting to worry my apartment wouldn’t be large enough to house all these people.

Luckily, Sadie had talked with the neighbors on either side of us and they were going to leave their doors open. The one good thing about living in an apartment building so close to campus was that most people in the building were college students.

I heard a giggle to my left, and I turned to see Zach leaning against a tree and Tanya resting her hand on his chest. I stopped walking, my eyes fixated on them.

Her attempts at flirting were a little too aggressive if you asked me, but Zach didn’t seem to mind. He looked content and made no effort to move her hand, laughing easily at something she said. The urge to stomp over there and pry her off him was strong, but I had no right. Despite my momentary lapse in sanity that day on the beach he didn’t belong to me anymore. He was single. Free. Able to do as he pleased. And Tanya had every right to pursue him.

Before they could see me stalking them, I continued back on the path, but it was too late. My name floated across the quad, and I was caught.

I glanced back at Zach. He waved at me, said something to Tanya and called out, “Wait up!” as he ran towards me.

If I was in the English building, I would’ve dived back into the girls’ bathroom and pretended I didn’t see him. But I was in the open with nowhere to hide. Not to mention it hadn’t really worked out for me the first time around. So I stood there and waited.

Zach’s long legs carried him across the lawn with ease. A smile was plastered across his face, which probably meant he’d stopped by to see Mimi this morning and she had been having a good day. The thought made me smile. God, I hoped he didn’t think I was smiling at him.

His lip quirked up at the side. “Happy to see me?”

Damn him! I went to toss out a comment that would spiral us into our usual sarcastic banter when he took my books out of my hand. “What are you doing?”

“Carrying your books for you. Where we headed? The library?”

I went to take my books back, but he pulled his arms away. Muscles tightened under his shirt as he hugged the books to his chest.

“We’re not going anywhere,” I said. “I’m going to the library.”

“I don’t have a class right now. I’ll walk you.”

It was like high school all over again. He would wait for me outside of my classroom and after we passed each other our notes, he’d take my books and walk me to my next class.

“It’s not necessary. I’m capable of walking and carrying my own books.”

“I never said you weren’t. So, what’s going on at the library?” He fell into step beside me, completely changing the subject.

“Nothing. I have a paper to write.”

He looked down at my book. “The Name of the Rose. Have you read it?”

“Half of it.”

“Pretty awful, isn’t it?”

“The worst. I fell asleep reading it the other night. I can’t go a page without my eyes glossing over.”

“I had to read it a few months ago,” he said. “I can fill you in on the rest. I have the movie, too. I bought it online thinking it’d be easier than reading. It wasn’t. But I’d be willing to lend it to you if you wanted.”

My ears perked up, and I stopped, grabbing his elbow. “There’s a movie?” He nodded, and I wanted to jump up and wrap my legs around his waist. “That is the best thing I’ve heard all week.”

“Tell you what. Go to the library, check out the books you need and meet me at my place in an hour. We can watch it and then if you want, I can help you with your paper.”

“Really? You said the movie was bad. You’d sit through it again?”

“For you? You know I would.”

I don’t know what came over me. The relief of knowing there was a movie, the excitement of not having to read the book, my anticipation for the upcoming weekend. Whatever it was, I can honestly say it took over my body. I jumped up and kissed Zach on the cheek, circling my arms around his neck.

As soon as my arms linked, I realized my mistake. His spicy scent filled my head, his warmth wrapped around me like a comforting blanket and I was lost in familiar memories.

Zach hovered over me, my back pressed into the softness of my mattress while Titanic played in the background. He always let me pick the movies, but that was because we barely ever watched them.

The ship hadn’t even set sail when Zach had crawled on top of me and started raining kisses down the side of my neck.

Popcorn sat uneaten on my nightstand—as far as my parents knew we were settled in watching a movie. If they opened the door, Zach would never be allowed in my bedroom again.

I had flipped the lock on my door even though I was told not to. Oops.

My hands travelled up Zach’s face, running through his hair. I pulled his head to mine and pressed my mouth to his, trailing my tongue along his mouth. His lips parted, allowing our tongues to meet.

I rose up, pressing my hips to his. He was hard against me and I wondered what it would be like to go all the way. I ran my hands under his shirt, warmth radiating off his skin and warming me all over.

I tugged at his shirt and pulled it over his head. He kissed my nose and drew back looking into my eyes. “We should slow down,” he said.

I knew he didn’t want to stop, but I also knew that he thought I wasn’t ready. Whenever we got too hot and heavy, he always showed unbelievable restraint and pulled away. But I wanted him. Needed him. I was so sure I was ready.

“Don’t stop,” I whispered. I leaned up and drew him back to me.

“Are you sure?” he asked, tucking my hair behind my ears.

I nodded, completely certain I was ready. His mouth crushed into mine and I lifted, allowing him to pull my shirt over my head. He kissed a path down my neck into the rise of my breasts.

Large hands splayed across my back and with one quick movement my bra fell forward. His hands moved from my back, replacing the cups of the bra. Goosebumps spread across my body as he ran a thumb across my nipple before dipping his head down and taking it into his mouth.

My head fell back in ecstasy, and I rocked against him. His tongue moved down to my stomach and stopped at the top of my jeans. He placed his hands over the button, my heart raced and just as he was about to slide it open, I pulled back.

“I’m sorry,” I blurted then covered my face with my hands. I bit back my embarrassment as a tear fell down my cheek.

I thought I was ready. I did. But as soon as his hands travelled south, fear overtook me. Embarrassment replaced all my other emotions, and I couldn’t look at him. I’d done it again.

The bed shifted with his weight and his hand rested on mine, pulling it away from my face. “Don’t cry. It’s okay.” He took my bra and slid it up my arms, pulling me onto his lap as he fastened it back into place. I nuzzled my head against his bare chest, allowing the spicy scent to calm me. He kissed my nose and reached for my shirt, before pulling it over my head and smoothing it into place.

“I’m sorry. I wanted to. I want to. I just—”

“Shh.” He rested his finger on my lips, dark eyes watching me intently. “You never have to apologize to me. And I never want to make you do anything you don’t want to. Just say no and I’ll stop. No questions asked.”

I looked up at the boy who managed to make me fall in love with him more every day and smiled. “Thank you.”

He bent down and kissed my nose, slid his shirt back on then positioned himself against my headboard. “Come here, and watch the movie with me.” He pulled me against him and I snuggled up into his warmth.

I didn’t realize how long we’d been making out until I glanced up at the TV just in time to see Rose on the floating door and Jack holding her hand, slowly freezing to death in the water.

Zach pressed his lips to my ear and whispered, “I’ll never let go.”

* * *

I dragged my thoughts back to the present, released my grip from Zach’s neck and jumped away from him. “I can’t. Watch a movie. You know, with the party tomorrow and everything. I have too much to do.”

I lied. I already had the fridge filled with beer, the keg ordered, and all my breakables put away. And per Sadie’s request, the pillows were locked in her closet. But I couldn’t go to Zach’s place and watch a movie with him. We’d never been able to watch a movie from start to finish.

And granted, a year was between us, and I had a boyfriend I loved, but still I didn’t trust myself around Zach. He awakened desires within me that I shouldn’t have. It was because of what we shared in the past, and even though it was over, even though it destroyed me, I couldn’t help remembering the good times. And deep down, I longed to go with him.

I glanced up, and the way he looked away from me, I knew my damn lip had betrayed me. It was official. I was the world’s worst liar.

“It’s okay. I really have to get going anyways. Have to head over to see Mimi before my next class.”

He lied too. He didn’t have enough time between classes to see Mimi. But he was giving me an easy out, and I was grateful. “Tell her I say hi,” I said and took my books from his arms, making sure to avoid skin-to-skin contact.

His lip quirked at the corner. “I will.” He ran his hand through his hair and stepped back. “See you at your party,” he said before turning away and disappearing onto the quad.

After finding my two non-internet-based sources to cite at the library, I stopped at the campus coffee shop, ordered my usual hazelnut macchiato, and headed back to my place.

I parked my car and headed into the building. As I approached my door, my attention was drawn to the small square object on the floor. I bent down to pick it up—staring back at me was the DVD for The Name of the Rose.

Even after I lied to Zach, he still came through for me. I tucked the DVD under my arm and opened my door, dropping my bag on the side of the couch. I opened the case and inside was a post-it note.

Hope this helps.

Zach

I popped the DVD into the player and sat on the couch. Twenty minutes into it, Sadie walked in.

“What ya watching?” she asked, plopping down on the couch, and pushing her hair out of her face.

“Something you’ll hate. A boring movie about the Middle Ages.”

She raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow at me. “And why are you watching this?”

“So I don’t have to read the book.”

She picked up the case and turned it over, gray eyes flicking back and forth over the words. “Yeah, I love you, but no way in hell am I watching this. Where’d you get it anyway? Don’t tell me you wasted money on it.”

“Zach dropped it off,” I said, refusing to look her in the eye. The way she repositioned herself, I knew the questions were coming. I hit pause on the remote and turned to her. Eye contact or not, she wasn’t going anywhere.

“Really? And how’d he know you needed this?”

“I bumped into him on the quad earlier.”

Both eyebrows rose this time, and I braced for her next question.

“Was it a planned bump?” She rested her chin on her hand.

“What do you think? Of course not. He just happened to be there with Tanya and he spotted me.”

“He was with Tanya?”

“Yup. He was. Are we done with the interrogation? Because I have a movie to finish before Josh gets here.”

“Nothing else happened?”

“What could possibly have happened? I’m with Joe.”

I could’ve sworn she rolled her eyes, but my eyes were so tired from trying to stay awake during the movie, it could’ve been a blink. “Okay. If there’s nothing else.” She stood, lingering for a moment. “Back to your movie then. I’m going to crash early. I’ll see Josh in the morning.”

The movie ended and Zach was right. It was horrible. But at least I had a better idea of what I was going to write my paper on.

I wanted to crash but instead I got the couch ready for Josh and waited up for him. When he arrived two hours later than expected, I couldn’t help greeting him with annoyance. How hard was it to pick up a phone?

“Good to see you too, sis,” he said when I asked him why he was so late. “Jeez, cut a guy some slack, will you? I basically sat in traffic for four hours just so I could spend the weekend with you.” He threw his hat onto the couch.

He let his duffel bag fall from his shoulder and caught the strap in his hand. “I’m sorry, but you had me worried. You should have called or at least answered your phone.”

“Battery’s dead.” He waved his phone at me.

“You could have used a pay phone.”

“If you can tell me where a pay phone still exists, I will give you a hundred dollars.”

He was right. I hadn’t seen a pay phone since I was in elementary school, but still, that wasn’t the point.

“I’m sorry. Next time I will find a way to call you even if it means risking my life and asking some shady character at a rest stop if I can use his phone.”

“That’s better,” I said. “Apology accepted.”

“Oh, good.” He rolled his eyes and dropped his duffel bag on the couch. “So what’s the plan for the weekend?”

“I actually need to talk to you about that.” I walked away and then called over my shoulder, “Are you hungry? I can make you something if you’d like. Turkey sandwich? French toast sticks?”

“Liz!”

I kept walking.

“Yeah.” I stuck my head in the fridge.

He jumped up on the counter. “Spill.”

“I . . . uh . . . kind of planned a party for tomorrow night, but it was supposed to be small just my friends you know and well . . .”

“Let me guess . . .” He drummed his fingers on his chin. “Somehow every frat house from here to Connecticut found out, and they’re going to show up expecting a rager.”

“Well . . . not from here to Connecticut.” I took my head out of the fridge and glanced towards him. “Just the entire campus.”

“Even better. Sounds like it’ll be a blast.”

I don’t know why I expected him to say it was a bad idea. He was always out looking for a party and now I was bringing one right to him.

“Good. I can’t wait. I never got to throw a party in high school. Now I have my chance.”

“It’s a shame. Our house was perfect for parties.”

My hands rested on my hips. “When did you ever have a party?”

“Remember your trips to Grandma’s my senior year?”

“Yeah, but you stayed home to study. You said it was the perfect opportunity to study for finals because there would be no distractions.” Josh shook his head, a sinister smile spreading across his face.

I smacked him on his shoulder. “You are such a liar.”

“Hey, it worked every time,” he said, raising his hands up in front of him.

“Unbelievable.”

“I know. So how about that turkey sandwich?”

“Sure, you can go ahead and make it yourself.” I said and shut the fridge.

“What? You’re mad at me?”

“Not at all. But now I have something to hold over your head.”

“We don’t live at home anymore. It doesn’t work like that.”

“True, but the disappointment on our parents’ faces when I tell them—man, I can imagine it now.”

“Touché. I’ll get my own sandwich.” He jumped off the counter.

“Good. Wanna make me one too?” I asked, sitting down on a stool.

“Now you’re pushing it.” He held the turkey out at me since his finger wasn’t free to point. I took it out of his hand, got up and grabbed two plates from the cabinet while he got the bread. Josh and I were a team. Always had been.

Always would be.

Chapter 13

Around eight p.m. the band showed up. They were there early to figure out the best place to set up. I was lucky to get a kiss from Joe before he got in on the discussion and I was on my own.

After arguing for what seemed like forever, they settled on the far corner of the living room so they were close enough to the keg. They obviously didn’t realize they were taking up most of the living room and making it difficult to access the beer. I rolled my eyes—it wasn’t worth fighting over.

Sadie walked out of her bedroom shortly after, decked out in her best party wear. I made her help me put away any valuables we forgot, which she wasn’t too thrilled about doing in heels.

“Go throw on my slippers.”

“God, Liz, what if people start showing up and I’m in slippers?” She had a point, but she couldn’t hide the wince that crossed her face when she walked away.

The night came too fast. By ten p.m.it was party time, and I had yet to even get dressed.

With the last of the valuables hidden, I headed to my room to get myself together. Why hadn’t I picked an outfit out ahead of time?

Sadie let herself into my room without knocking. Once we’d started living together, any and all boundaries had disappeared.

“Why don’t you wear that racer back top you got at the mall? The one with the silver sequins and embellished v-neck. It makes your boobs look huge. Not to mention purple looks good on you.” She walked over to my closet to retrieve it.

“I forgot about that top, I never had a reason to wear it,” I said, happy she was there to help.

“What better reason than a party—a party you are throwing. You need to be the belle of the ball. This shirt is perfect.” She reached into the back of my closet, found the shirt, and tossed it at me. She followed it with a pair of dark-wash skinny jeans and black leather round-toe pumps, which barely missed my head.

Unfortunately, my hair was still up in a ponytail from when I had showered earlier and I had no makeup on. Sadie came to my rescue again and took the black elastic ponytail holder from my hair, shooting it across my bedroom before grabbing the hairspray off of my dresser.

“Flip,” she said, motioning wildly with her hand.

“Excuse me?” I cocked my eyebrow at her.

“Flip your head so I can spray. You have that natural wave thing going on. It looks really good. I just want to make sure it stays.” I did as she said and she sprayed and fluffed. “Okay, flip back.” I threw my head back and shook it until my hair fell naturally into place.

“Wow,” I said to Sadie’s reflection. The style made the blond highlights more noticeable against my natural boring brown. I’d gone from plain Jane to shampoo commercial hair in seconds.

“Told you. Now get me your bag. A smoky eye would work perfect with this outfit.” She placed my desk chair directly in front of my bed.

“Sit.” She pointed her midnight blue nails at the chair.

Twenty minutes later we stepped out of my bedroom looking like we were walking the runway at Bryant Park.

Not like anyone was there to notice. The band was arguing about what song they would lead off with, but no one else had shown up other than Matt, who was trying to help them come to a compromise.

“I’m going to see if I can help out,” Sadie said.

“Help out, or flirt?” I asked, looking to Matt and then back to her.

She batted her eyelashes. “Maybe a little of both.”

“Maybe it’s time you told him how you feel,” I said, hoping she would listen to me for once.

“Maybe.” Sadie walked away with the fiercest strut imaginable. She was definitely feeling good.

I didn’t want to hear the band have the same argument for the hundredth time, so I scanned the area for Josh. I found him in the kitchen with Zach. When had he gotten here?

Zach wore a nice pair of black resin jeans with a light gray t-shirt beneath a dark gray leather jacket. He looked like he’d just walked off the pages of a men’s fashion magazine spread for casual chic. Especially next to Josh who wore basic jeans and a gray thermal.

“Hey,” I said, letting my presence be known.

“Hey, Liz.” Zach turned to reveal a freshly shaven face. His eyes caught mine and his mouth parted. For a second I could see the boy he used to be. But a glance down to his black leather sneakers and it was obvious he was no longer that boy anymore. The crisscross lacing was tied neatly at the top instead of untied, frayed and dangling from the sides like his laces always used to be.

“Where’s Tanya?” The words were out before I could stop them. I knew they weren’t dating, but the way she hung around him . . . well, she was acting like his girlfriend.

“She’s meeting me here. She and Vicky wanted to get ready together.”

The fact that he knew her plans cut into my heart. Stupid, considering my boyfriend was in the other room.

An awkward silence filled the air. I hated that I felt uncomfortable in my own apartment. A loud bang followed by a cymbal crash disrupted the silence.

“What the . . . ?” Josh pushed off the counter. “I swear, your friends are morons. No offense.”

“None taken,” I said, holding my hands up.

“I’m going to make sure Sades doesn’t have her claws out. I’ve caught her wrath over a pillow. Could you imagine if they did any real damage? I’ll be right back.” Before I could volunteer to go for him, he was in the living room shouting questions. And I was alone with Zach, in the only spot in the kitchen not visible from the living room.

I took Josh’s spot, leaning against the counter. Zach didn’t look nearly as uncomfortable as I felt. I couldn’t figure out why I felt so awkward in the first place. It’s not like this was the first time I was alone with him.

“You look good,” he said, studying me closely.

Three words. The same three words I’d wanted to hear from Joe, but he was too busy fussing with the band to even notice me.

“Thanks. You do too. Since when do you dress like you’re posing for a GQ cover?”

He scratched his chin and cocked the corner of his lip. “And she has jokes. Double threat.”

“Shut up.” He turned his chin up and tilted his head as if he was taking my words seriously. “Cut it out,” I said and reached out to push his shoulder.

“What is it? Shut up or cut it out?” he asked.

I rested my chin on my hand. “Seriously, where’d you get the clothes?”

“Seriously?” I nodded my head in response. “Mom. She stopped by to see Mimi last week and she shops a lot when she’s upset. Kind of like when you used to bake. It’s her escape.”

I knew exactly what he meant, but I wouldn’t let him know that since it would risk bringing up the baking topic again, and that was one thing I really did not want to discuss.

Instead I asked, “How is Mimi?”

“She’s still having her good days and bad days.” I could sense by the look in his eyes that there were more bad days than good.

“Has she asked about me?” I felt guilty for not going back to visit again when I had promised her I would.

“No, but even on her good days she’s not completely there. And you haven’t been around in a while so . . .” He didn’t have to finish—I knew the rest. I hadn’t been around and because of that I wasn’t worth remembering anyway.

“Does she remember Matt?” In high school Matt spent a lot of time at Zach’s. Mimi loved him. I looked up, catching Zach’s eyes.

He looked down at his hands. “I haven’t brought him by to see her.”

That was not the answer I expected. They were pretty much best friends. Why wouldn’t he bring Matt with him sometimes?

“Why not?” I didn’t want to pry but my curiosity was piqued.

“I don’t know. I just don’t want people to know, I guess.”

“But you told me.”

“You’re different,” he said his voice rising slightly.

“Why?”

He pinched the bridge of his nose before dropping his hand and looking directly at me. His lips parted and just as he was about to answer Josh came in like a wrecking ball, jumping between me and Zach and breaking our gaze.

“So what’d I miss?” he asked.

“Nothing,” Zach said almost defensively. “So everything okay out there?”

“Yeah. Liz’s dumbass boyfriend tripped on Evan’s guitar cable and fell into his drums. Then the cymbal toppled over.”

Zach laughed, but stopped when I gave him the evil eye.

“He’s not a dumbass,” I said in a sad attempt to defend Joe. Though, after hearing that story it was hard to justify, and when both Zach and Josh raised their eyebrows at me I knew it wasn’t even worth the effort. “Is he okay at least?”

“He’s fine. Charlie helped him up. I also helped them settle on a set list, so the commotion should be down to a minimum. Hopefully. I mean, if they plan on making it they really need to get their shit together.”

“Some of the most popular bands are or were completely dysfunctional,” I said, defending the band since they weren’t in the kitchen to do so themselves.

“She has a point,” Zach said. “Oasis, the Beatles, Guns N’ Roses. You want me to keep going?” I could not believe he was helping me out.

“Please don’t,” Josh said.

Zach and I started to laugh when Sadie barged in. “Liz, I need you for a minute.”

“Okay.” I held up my finger. “I’ll be there in a sec.”

“No. I need you now!” she said through gritted teeth.

“Okay. Okay.” I pushed off the counter and looked back at Josh and Zach. “I’m being summoned. Talk to you guys later.”

I followed Sadie past the living room and into the bathroom. It must’ve been serious. Bathroom meetings were in the red zone of our emergency alert system.

“What’s going on?” I asked as she shoved me in and shut the door behind us.

“Matt looks so good tonight,” she said, shoulders slumped as she leaned against the sink.

“Okay. Would you like to elaborate? Or did you shove me in here just to drool?” I put the toilet seat down and took a seat.

“I think he might have been flirting with me, like seriously flirting with me, but I’m not sure.” She bit her nail and I knew she was analyzing every gesture and every facial expression he’d made during their conversation.

“What did he do?” I asked, wanting her to get out of the dangers of her own mind.

“He rested his arm on my shoulder and told me I was the perfect height. So I laughed. Then he said my laugh is cute. I said thank you, because let’s face it, I didn’t know what else to say. What do you say to that? Anyway, then Scott asked him if he could go to his car and get him his lucky scarf, you know the one he uses to wrap around the mike as if he’s Steven Tyler or something. And then Matt asked me to go with him.”

“And?” I asked, moving to the edge of the toilet seat.

She tossed her hands up in the air. “And I ran in the kitchen and grabbed you.”

“Why would you do that?” I asked. Was she crazy? It’s not like they’d never been alone together. Hell, they texted on a daily basis and carpooled all the time.

“I panicked. I didn’t know what to do.” Her head dropped into her hands and bent forward, black hair falling over her knees.

She was beautiful and usually confident, strong, and smart, yet she was letting a longtime crush get the best of her. This girl with her head hanging in defeat was not the vibrant, flirtatious Sadie I knew.

I stood up and pointed to the door. “Go with him to his car.”

“But then we’ll be alone and . . .”

“Sadie, you guys have been alone before,” I said, hoping she would catch on to how ridiculous she was being.

“I know, but . . . I don’t know what I’m doing. It’s like I’ve never flirted with a guy before. I’ve had a bunch of boyfriends.”

“Yeah, you’re a whore,” I said with a smile.

“Shut up.” She shoved my shoulder.

“Sade, you like him. All those other guys you dated, you liked the way they looked and that was it. Probably why none of them stuck around long. Matt’s more than that to you and that’s why you’re so unsure of yourself. You’re scared of losing him. But don’t be. You are beautiful, intelligent, and just plain awesome. And besides, I know he likes you too.”

“Really?” Her gray eyes widened.

“For the gazillionth time, YES! Now go!”

“Okay, I’m going. Thanks, Liz.” She threw her arms around my neck, her bracelets jangling.

“You’re welcome. Now please just go.” I opened the door and pointed my finger outwards.

“Love you,” she said as she skipped by.

“I know. Hurry before you lose your nerve or your chance.” Before she disappeared behind the living room wall she rolled her eyes in my direction. I had to love her.

With Sadie on her mission, Joe still setting up with the band, and Josh talking video games with Zach, I really had no one to talk to. It was already ten p.m., and other than the band and my friends, not a single person had shown up. How pathetic do you have to be to have a party and not have anyone show up? I mulled the question over in my head while I sat on the couch across the room from the bickering band.

When at ten thirty hit, there was finally a knock at the door—I couldn’t jump off the couch fast enough. Maybe I wasn’t as pathetic as I thought. I opened the door to find Tanya and Vicky. Okay, maybe I was. I didn’t close the door when I saw our neighbors’ doors were already opened.

“Hey guys,” I said. “Party’s this way.” When they stepped in, I felt the need to say, “Still waiting for everyone to show up.”

“See! Even when we try to be fashionably late it backfires,” Vicky said, her newly manicured hand resting on the waist of her designer jeans.

“Well, we tried and besides, it’s not like we were the first ones here.” Tanya tossed her head in the direction of the band, then looked back to the far corner where Sadie and Matt were laughing. I gave an exaggerated smile when Sadie turned my way, which she acknowledged with an eyebrow-raise then quickly dismissed before Matt could notice the two of us communicating.

“Yeah, and you have first dibs on drinks,” I said, trying to be a good hostess.

“See, Vicks, she has a point,” Tanya said. “A good one. What do you have to drink?” She walked towards the kitchen as if she had been in my apartment before.

“Beer, beer and more beer, but I also have a few hidden bottles of wine that I’d be willing to share.” There was no reason for me to hold anything against her. Why wouldn’t she be crushing on Zach? He was a good catch. At least until he stopped calling.

“Oh, I would love some wine,” Vicky said, catching up with Tanya.

Tanya looped her arm through Vicky’s. “Me too.”

“Then follow me.” It was perfect timing. The band had just started tuning up, and I didn’t know how much of that my ears could take. I gave Sadie a wink as I walked by, but she was too engrossed in Matt to notice. “It’s right in here,” I said, stepping into the kitchen, where Zach and Josh were still discussing video games. Seriously, how long can two relatively grown boys talk video games?

Zach had sat on one of the stools and his hands were moving as he explained something to Josh.

“Oh, Zach, I didn’t know you were here already!” Tanya squeaked right before she jumped into Zach’s lap. Blech.

“Hey, when’d you get here?” he asked, looking a bit shocked to have her on top of him. His gaze drifted to me for a second before returning to Tanya.

“Like not even five minutes ago,” she responded. Her arms wrapped around his neck and then she kissed him. Okay, it was on the cheek, but still. I could feel Josh staring at me but I refused to glance back.

Vicky exhaled loudly. “God, can you guys get a room? Sheesh.”

I was starting to like Vicky even more.

“Where’s that wine, Liz?” she asked, drumming her fingers on the counter.

“Oh. Yeah. Right here.” I bent down to the cabinet beneath the sink, pulled out a bottle, and handed it over to Vicky.

“Do you have a corkscrew?” she asked.

“Um . . .” I opened the drawer with the plastic utensils. Nothing. I moved to the next. Nothing. The junk drawer was corkscrewless too. Shoot. What good was wine if you don’t have something to get the cork out?

“Do you have a phone book?” Zach asked, peering around Tanya’s curls.

“Why? Do you plan on calling a corkscrew delivery service?” I asked as I continued to search the drawers.

“Umm no. Do you have one or not?” he said, clearly annoyed.

“Yeah, under the coffee table in the—

“I know where it is,” he said, and the way he said it, like he knew my place better than I did, made me want to smack him.

I opened drawer after drawer and cabinet after cabinet to no avail. No corkscrew. No wine.

“Give me the bottle,” I heard Zach say. I turned to find him holding the yellow pages.

“Do you plan on beating the cork out?” I asked, crossing my arms across my chest.

“Actually that is exactly what I plan on doing,” he said.

“You’re kidding, right?”

“No. I saw it on YouTube. Trust me.” He passed me and stopped in front of the wall.

“He’s obsessed with ‘How-to’ videos on YouTube.” Tanya tossed her red curls over her shoulder and sat down on a stool. “He’s always showing them to me in class.”

Ugh. She thought she knew everything about him.

“Can’t be as bad as his video game obsession,” I said, trying to cover my discomfort with a laugh.

“Oh my God! I swear that controller’s attached to his hand. Every time I call he’s like, ‘Let me call you back, I’m on a mission in the Middle East and I need to drag my comrades to safety.’”

“And don’t walk in front of him if he’s playing Wii,” I added. “You’ll wind up with a black eye.”

“I’m standing right here, you know,” Zach said, holding his arms out with the yellow pages in one hand the wine bottle in the other.

I smiled at Tanya then turned to Zach. “We know. Go beat the bottle or whatever. We’re talking.” He shook his head and turned away.

I went to go back to our conversation, but I watched Zach out of the corner of my eye. He held the yellow pages on the wall next to the doorway then took the wine bottle in his hand, neck facing away from the book, and began hitting the bottle against the book.

He was kidding, right? There was no way in hell this was going to work. I’d be cleaning up shards of glass and wine off the floor before I knew it. Then, little by little, with each hit against the book, the cork slowly made its way out until I heard a pop.

I was impressed, but I wouldn’t show it. Josh threw his arms up in victory and patted Zach on the back for a job well done. Zach was proud and didn’t hide it. Neither did Tanya, who thanked Zach by planting another sloppy kiss on his cheek. He held the bottle out with the hand that wasn’t wrapped around her waist, and Vicky grabbed it.

“Glasses?” she asked.

“Right here.” I got three down and handed them to Vicky. She poured a little in the first, lifted it to her lips, and downed the liquid in one sip before continuing to pour.

“Bottoms up,” she said and handed me a glass before taking another huge sip out of her own. I sensed she wasn’t as thrilled about being at the party as Tanya.

“Cheers,” I said back.

By five after eleven, there were more people in my apartment than was fire safety-approved. I guess, like Tanya and Vicky, most people didn’t want to be the first ones to show up.

The band played and people nodded and danced along—I don’t know if they were too busy drinking to notice how much Purge sucked or if they had no concept of what good music was. Scott screamed. Joe beat the drums as if he was trying to keep them from walking away from him. E-Rock jumped up and down more than he hit the right chords, and Charlie looked as if she was in her own world, swaying to the rhythm in her mind. I watched as she looked back at Joe and he gave her a thumbs up, reassuring her that she was great. I didn’t think so, but then again it’s not like I was a music connoisseur or a writer for Billboard magazine.

Either way, the band did their thing, people danced, drinking games were played, and my party was a success. Come Monday, it would be all anybody talked about.

I was right. My party was the most talked about event on campus, but not for the reasons I’d hoped.

Chapter 14

By the time Purge finished their first set Joe was on his fifth keg stand. Not that I was counting or anything. Okay, maybe I was, but I had a good reason. Joe wasn’t exactly known for his self-control. When it came to drinking, he didn’t know when to stop.

While I kept an eye on Joe, I couldn’t help noticing Scott and Ruthie in the corner. Then again it was kind of hard to miss them, considering they were practically stripping each other’s clothes off in my living room. The saying “get a room” couldn’t possibly have been any more relevant. I didn’t want to look. I’m sure nobody wanted to look, but it was like when you’re watching the monkeys at the zoo picking bugs off each other. It’s disgusting and you don’t want to look, but you can’t seem to turn away.

“Do you think he’s trying to lick her insides dry?” Zach said, his breath hot against my ear. I couldn’t stop the giggle that slipped out.

“I was debating if he was trying to crawl inside her mouth, or if he’s getting sucked in against his will.” I raised my eyes to his and caught the amusement tugging at his lips. He still had his sense of humor. Thank God for that. It was one of his best qualities.

“I bet he’d go willingly if he could bring his microphone with him.”

We shared in a moment of laughter before I asked, “So where’s Tanya?”

“Oh. Uh, bathroom. What exactly do you girls do in there anyway?”

I folded my arms across my chest. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“Yes, I would, hence the question.”

“If I told you I would have to kill you.” I said, trying not to laugh.

His eyebrow arched up, his scar rising with it. “Really? You couldn’t come up with something better than that?”

“Too cliché?”

“You think? You’re going stale on me.” He nudged me with his elbow. I tried to come up with something witty and sarcastic in response, but I was out of practice. Sarcasm went over Joe’s head, so I pretty much stayed away from it. Zach was right. I was stale. I couldn’t let him know that though, so I searched my brain for something relatively clever.

“What’d I miss?” Tanya bounced in between me and Zach and wrapped her arm securely around his waist, as if to tell me he was taken for the night. I didn’t need her to remind me. A quick glance to my left helped remind her that I too was taken. Her head turned back to Zach as she swayed in his arms. Obviously she had been hitting the vino, my vino, a little too hard.

“Nothing. Lizzi . . . uh, Liz was just helping me pass the time until you got back,” he said, tucking her curls behind her ear.

My heart all out stopped. That was . . . he only . . . that was our thing.

“Well I’m back,” she said cheerily.

“Really? I didn’t notice,” I mumbled.

Tanya took her head off Zach’s chest. “Excuse me, Liz? Did you say something?”

“I was just saying that I didn’t notice Joe waving me over. Excuse me. My boyfriend is waiting.” Before the words finished leaving my mouth, Tanya already had her over-glossed lips pressed to Zach’s cheek.

“Hey, what are you guys talking about?” I asked as I approached Joe and Charlie.

“Nothing. I mean, not nothing. Band stuff, you know. Like we always talk about. Not like we talk a lot. Anyways, you know what I mean.” Joe took another swig of his beer, even though from his lack of sentence structure it was obvious he had had enough.

“We were talking about how it might be beneficial to the band if we added a tambourine,” Charlie said, the diamond stud in her nose reflecting in the light.

“Yeah, babe, a tambourine. That would be awesome wouldn’t it?” Joe gave a good attempt at trying not to slur his words but was not successful.

I had two options. Agree, or tell them the truth. A tambourine did not fit in with the music they played. I wasn’t up for sitting there and listening to them try to persuade me that yes, a tambourine was exactly what Purge needed to take it to the next level.

They could add as many tambourines as they wanted, but it still wouldn’t hide the fact that they royally sucked.

“A tambourine would be awesome,” I said instead. If there was anything I’d learned in my short college career, it was that there was no arguing with a drunk. Because regardless of what you said and how wrong they were, you would get nowhere.

As my mom said, choose your battles.

“See. Liz knows what she’s talking about,” Joe said, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and putting a little more of his weight on me than I cared for.

“I have to take this new evidence to Scott,” Charlie said. “I’m going in. Wish me luck.” She turned, her fire-engine-red highlights spinning, before she bravely went where no man had gone before: to interrupt Scott while he made out with Ruthie.

“Good luck,” I said. She was going to need it.

“So?” Joe said, and I knew he was waiting for me to praise his drumming skills.

“You were amazing?” I said, more like a question than a statement.

“Yes!” He punched his fist in the air as if he’d just won the biggest contest of his life. “I love you, babe.”

“I love you too.” I stood up on my tiptoes to kiss him and would have if the sound of shattering glass hadn’t ricocheted through my ears.

“What the . . .” I turned, pushing through the crowd of people towards the noise. I popped out in front of the kitchen just in time to see red wine dripping down the white wall onto the beige porcelain tile and white grout. Oh my God, our security deposit! I was never going to get those lines clean. My eyes burned with anger as they darted from the floor up the wall until they settled on the culprit.

Evan “E-Rock” Rochler held the jagged neck of the wine bottle. A small group circled around and he was left in the middle like a carnival act. One guy cheered him on, a beer held high in the air. “Do it again.”

Did this guy want to survive the night? Because seriously, if he didn’t shut up, I would kill him. To keep myself from screaming, I took a deep breath and marched over, my fists clenched so tightly my nails dug into my skin.

“I’m so sorry, Liz,” Evan said. “Vicky told me that Zach opened the other bottle by banging it against the wall.” His black thick-framed glasses hung low on his nose. Behind him, Vicky drained her glass.

“She must have failed to tell you that he didn’t bang it against the wall. He banged it against the yellow pages.”

He pushed his glasses back into place. “Oh. She didn’t say that.”

I glanced in Vicky’s direction, and she looked down into her glass. Staring at it wasn’t going to make more wine appear, but she was so focused on the bottom of the glass I honestly thought she believed it would. Either that or she wanted to crawl inside and pretend she didn’t just initiate the biggest possible mess ever in my kitchen. Even my flour fights with Zach back in the day didn’t create such a freaking disaster.

“Whatever. Can everyone please get out so I can clean this?” Vicky was the first out.

“Liz, let me help.” Evan bent down to pick up a piece of glass.

“Stop!” I yelled. “I don’t need you cutting yourself. I got it. Please just go enjoy the party and do me a favor—don’t break anything else.” The last thing I needed was blood winding through the apartment like a crime scene.

“I think I can do that.” He flashed a smile, as if that would help ease the tension that trailed up my neck to my head.

“Good,” I said, watching until he was lost in the crowd. He bumped into some girl and I cringed as liquid splashed over the top of her red Solo cup.

A group of guys in the far corner stacked beer cans and a group formed to hand them more empties. Architects in the making.

Where was Josh when I needed him? Probably hitting on some girl. Seriously, he flirted with anything that walked.

And where was Joe? Probably downing another beer and discussing the pros and cons of adding a tambourine to the band.

I dragged the garbage over to the mess and bent down to pick up the glass. I heard screaming, which only meant one thing—the band was starting round two. God help us all.

“Look at the bright side.” A shadow appeared over me.

“And what would that be?”

Zach bent down beside me. “He could have put a hole through the wall.”

“But then he would have hurt his hand and wouldn’t be able to play.” I turned my attention to the living room for emphasis. “So technically that would have been the bright side.”

He applauded slowly and flashed his big Zach smile. “Welcome back.”

“Happy to be here.” His eyes met mine and I laughed at the absurdity of the situation.

“Go get the bleach before the stains set. I got this.” He pulled the garbage pail closer and began picking up pieces of glass.

I stared at him for a moment and debated asking where Tanya was, but then decided against it. He was being nice. There was no reason to go there.

I got to my feet and said, “Thanks.” I meant it. Since Zach had come back, he always seemed to be around when I needed him, and although I pretended like he was the last person I wanted there, secretly I was happy.

The music grew louder. I hoped that one of them would pass out soon, so I wouldn’t have to be subjected to the screaming atrocity they called music for much longer.

After fifteen minutes on my hands and knees scrubbing the white grout lines, they were finally clean. Zach had finished cleaning up the pieces of glass and returned to Tanya, who was making an impressive attempt at a keg stand. Wine and beer, the perfect combination for a hangover.

This morning, I couldn’t wait to have the party. I’d felt like it was something I had to experience, but I was over it. So over it. Now I secretly wished everyone would go home, so I could sit on my couch with a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream and veg. As the band introduced their next song, I knew that wouldn’t happen anytime soon.

Maybe I could hide out in my room for a few minutes. Just until I got myself together. No, I couldn’t do that. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t.

“We are Purge! Thanks for coming out tonight!” Scott screamed as if every person was there to see them, and not for the free beer. Sometimes he was completely delusional. But red Solo cups flew up in the air and the crowd matched him scream for scream.

“Great party.” I turned to find Josh standing beside me for the first time since I left him in the kitchen.

“And where have we been?” I asked, eyeing the Mardi Gras beads around his neck. I had no desire to find out where or how he got them.

“Checking out the new produce,” he said and scanned the girls in the room.

“You did not just refer to girls as produce.” He flashed a big-toothed grin in response.

The music had stopped momentarily and I glanced up to spot Joe, legs kicked up in the air, one hand on the keg as he chugged away. Thank God he wasn’t driving. The last thing I wanted at the end of the night was to play a game of give-me-your-keys.

“Is that . . . ?” He narrowed his eyes. “Yeah, it is. Catch you later,” and just like that my brother ran after the next girl. Some things never changed.

The band started up again. With nothing to clean up and everyone else lip-locked, I sat on the couch and played the groupie girlfriend, cheering Joe on. I was blowing his ego up, but hey, if that’s what made him happy, I was glad to oblige.

Scott screamed. Evan jumped. Charlie swayed. And Joe banged. It was the same constant rotation for another excruciating twenty-three minutes and fifty-two seconds. I would never get that time back.

I just had to get through this party, then on Monday I would finally be able to turn in my v-card and take my relationship with Joe to the next level. What that level actually was I had no idea, but I felt like I was ready for it. I was ready for anything other than this.

Maybe if I had sex with Joe I’d become his first priority and I wouldn’t have to compete with the band anymore. Maybe he was frustrated. I would be. I’m sure blue balls weren’t exactly the most pleasant feeling. It was time I followed through and showed him I was all in.

Monday could not come fast enough.

When Joe brought his arms down one final time and Evan planted his feet on the ground, I jumped from my spot on the couch, my hands smacking together. And not because they were amazing. It was over. Finally! My ears welcomed the obnoxious sounds of drunks. Anything but the agonizing racket of Purge.

“We freaking rock!” Joe said as he walked over triumphantly. I nodded, afraid if I opened my mouth, I would let him know how I really felt. I pressed my lips to his in hopes that if we kept the talking to a minimum, he wouldn’t ask me what my favorite song was, because honestly, I’d zoned out three minutes into their first set.

“Joe, you killed it!” Joe removed his lips from mine and we turned to see Chris from the beach clean-up committee. He was either deaf or really drunk. By the way he swayed, I’d bet my favorite pair of skinny jeans on the latter.

Joe turned to me with puppy-dog eyes, and I could tell he was drunkenly pleading with me to let him go hang out with his newfound groupies.

“Go ahead,” I said, a fake smile setting on my face.

“Aw, you’re the best, babe.” I stood on my tiptoes to give him a peck, but was left kissing air. By the time I returned to flat feet he held another beer and was talking with his new groupies. So much for that.

I scanned the crowd for Sadie, who’d been MIA since she’d dragged me into the bathroom. Maybe she and Matt had finally hooked up. I could only hope. There was more sexual tension between them than two rabbits in heat.

I discovered Vicky with her tongue down Evan’s throat. Who knew she’d find his bottle-shattering trick appealing?

Across the room Josh was surrounded by several girls as he told one of his baseball stories. All their overly mascaraed eyes hung on his every gesture and expression. Gag me.

I walked past them to the kitchen only to find Tanya sitting on Zach’s lap. He glanced up at me, but Tanya grabbed his face and turned his attention back to her. She said something, but no matter how hard I tried to make it out, I couldn’t hear over the guys cheering Joe on to “Chug! Chug! Chug!”

Tanya’s eyes were narrowed and dark with intensity. Not the look of a girl who was at a party having a good time. Oh no, this was the look of a girl who was not happy. At all.

With a flick of her hand, she sent her red curls bouncing over her shoulder. A defiant move. The universal girl move that means “I’m annoyed.”

“You know you’re beautiful.” Zach’s words were loud and clear.

And she was beautiful. Porcelain skin with the right amount of freckles to keep her from just being cute, green eyes that I would kill for, and soft red hair that you would never be able to reproduce from a bottle.

So why did hearing him say it bother me so much?

Before they saw me lingering in the doorway, I pushed through the crowd to my bedroom. I had made sure to shut my door before the party started but now it was slightly ajar.

A low moan echoed into the hallway, and I prayed it was one of the floorboards beneath me creaking under my weight.

I pushed my door opened and flipped on the switch.

“Oh, come on guys! On my bed? Really?” Ruthie sat up, adjusting her bra beneath her shirt while Scott shifted ever so slightly, as if I didn’t know he was rearranging himself.

“Sorry, Liz,” Scott said as he passed me on his way out, as if it was just another day and I hadn’t just found him getting ready to do things on my bed that I hadn’t even done.

“Yeah, sorry, Liz,” Ruthie said, smiling too enthusiastically for the situation. Scott had a perfectly good vehicle outside. Why’d they have to wind up on my bed? I made a mental note to strip my sheets when the party was over.

Scratch that. I didn’t want to forget. I closed the door, locked myself in and crumpled my sheets into a ball. Thank God Mom gave me new ones for Christmas or I’d be spending my night in the laundry room.

Once I was a hundred percent positive my bed was body-fluid free, I tossed my other sheets in the hamper, squirted some anti-bacterial gel in my hand and went back to the party.

The scent of Sadie’s lavender air freshener was no longer present, replaced by the smell of pot. How the smoke detector wasn’t going off was beyond me. It went off when I boiled water.

A blonde in the corner was surrounded by a group of guys as she attempted to take a sip from the beer bottle resting between her boobs. Now that was a talent she could put on her resume.

The beer can tower in the corner had grown to a height even the tallest guys couldn’t reach. A guy with my dish towel hanging from the back of his shirt like a cape stood on a chair and added another can to the top.

“Babe,” Joe said as soon as I stepped around a couple grinding on the makeshift dance floor.

“Hey, you,” I said, taking in his bloodshot eyes.

He wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his head on my chest obviously mistaking me for a pillow. “I love you,” he said.

“Love you too.”

“No, I really love you.” His hand slid up my arm, grazed the outside of my boob and stopped on the back of my head.

“And I love you too.” Did he want me to grab the microphone and sing it for everyone to hear?

His breath reeked of cheap beer, so I tried to keep my nose pointed towards his neck where I could faintly smell his cologne.

“Why don’t we go to your room?” He slowly backed me against the wall.

“Not tonight.” There was no way I would cash in my v-card with a party raging outside my door. I wanted it to be just a little more romantic than that.

“Come on, babe.” He trailed sloppy, drunken kisses up my neck. But after the wine bottle fiasco, hearing Zach tell Tanya she was beautiful, and basically walking in on Scott and Ruthie getting it on in my bed, my patience was shot. A drunken boyfriend was the last thing I felt like dealing with.

“Joe, not tonight baby. Come on, get off me. Let’s play a round of beer pong.” It was time for me to rejoin the party and have a few drinks. I pushed his lips away from my neck.

“We can play after. Come on. We’ll be fast.” Sure, because I always imagined my first time as a wham bam thank you ma’am.

“Joe. No!” My resistance prompted him to wrap his arms around me tighter, as if he thought I was playing hard to get.

I took my arms out from under him and pressed my hands to his shoulders.

“Don’t you love me?” he asked, his bloodshot eyes trying to focus on mine.

“Yes! Now get off of me. Come on.” I put a little more pressure on his shoulders and when he tried to move closer I snapped. “Joe, I said NO!” As the words escaped my mouth, I shoved Joe and went to walk away but he grabbed my arm and spun me towards him. I smacked against his chest, momentarily knocking the wind out of myself. I hadn’t meant to yell or attract any attention to us, but I clearly had.

Heads rotated in our direction. I gave a simple smile to assure everyone we were fine and it was just a stupid lover’s quarrel. But there was one person I couldn’t fool with my fake smile.

Zach stepped through the crowd. “Joe, man, why don’t you leave her alone.”

“Zach, I got this,” I said, urging him away with my eyes. The last thing I needed was my ex defending me from my current boyfriend.

“Dude, she’s my fucking girlfriend.” Joe pushed off the wall and stared at Zach. He swayed to the left, then to the right before leaning his shoulder against the wall. I wanted to curl into a ball and hide.

“Yeah, and you should treat her with a little respect,” Zach said. “Give her the space she asked for.” The veins in his neck were becoming visible as he spoke.

Joe pushed himself off the wall, trying to stand tall. “Why? So you can get in her pants? We all know you didn’t succeed last time.”

Before Joe’s words could fully register, Zach’s fist flew past me and made contact with Joe’s face.

Joe stumbled backwards, smacked into the wall and slid down it into a crumpled ball on the floor. Blood spewed from his nose.

“Oh my God! Joe!” I screamed and dropped to my knees beside him before turning back to Zach. “Why would you do that?” My eyes burned with anger as he stared back at me.

He flung his hands out in front of him. “Did you not hear him?!”

“He’s drunk!” Joe would never intentionally hurt me or force me to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with. He wasn’t in his right frame of mind right now. Besides, I could handle myself. It wasn’t the first time that Joe’s drinking had caused him to come on to me strongly. And I was always able to get him under control without decking him.

“I don’t care if he’s drunk, stoned, or stupid, he had no right to—”

“Get out!” I pointed towards the door.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. Get out.” Before I could reiterate, Josh broke through the crowd. Thank God. He would get Zach out of here. There was one thing Josh did not tolerate, and that was violence.

He leaned over, said something in Zach’s ear and gave him a friendly pat on the back. What the hell? Zach nodded and as he walked through the crowd, it parted as if he were Moses at the Red Sea. Tanya followed him out.

Josh headed towards me. He stopped at Joe’s feet and gave him one furious look before saying, “Get him the fuck out! Right now!”

“No!” My hands flew to my hips indignantly. Was Josh kidding me? Why would he take Zach’s side? Besides, this was my place. He didn’t make the rules. I did. Or Sadie. Where the hell was she?

“Liz, if you don’t get him out of here I will pick him up and throw him the fuck out.” Josh and I stared at each other for a few long seconds. The intensity in his usually kind eyes told me he wasn’t budging.

He wasn’t on my team anymore. My brother had jumped ship and was siding with the enemy.

“I hate you,” I mumbled as I helped Joe to his feet.

“You’ll get over it,” he spat back.

“Where’s Scott?” I yelled out to no one in particular. “If he’s in my bedroom, I will castrate him!”

“He’s putting the rest of the band’s stuff away,” someone in the crowd called out.

“Could you get him for me please?” Joe slumped against the wall and slid back down.

Scott appeared moments later. He didn’t seem surprised to see his best friend bleeding on the floor. He knelt down, threw Joe’s arm around his shoulder and stood up.

“Come on, you lush,” Scott said, shaking his head.

I took my position on Joe’s other side and helped Scott get him outside.

“Oh my God! You’re bleeding!” Charlie screeched. She ran over and began dabbing at Joe’s nose with a tissue. You’d think he would wince at her touch, but he must have been too drunk to feel a thing. I could have dropped him face first on the asphalt in the parking lot, and he would’ve curled up and gone to sleep. There had been no reason for Zach to punch him. It was a cheap shot—Joe couldn’t have even fought back if he’d wanted to.

“Shoot, my car is blocked in,” I said, taking in the line of cars behind mine. “How the hell am I supposed to get him home?”

“I’ll take him,” Charlie volunteered.

“Are you sure? I don’t want him to bleed on your seats,” I said, taking in the droplets of blood on the ground.

“It’s okay, I have tissues. Besides I’m parked on the street. It’s your party, Liz, you should stay. I got it.” Charlie took my position under Joe’s arm.

“Really?” I asked, feeling guilty about staying while she had to deal with the mess that was my boyfriend.

“Can someone make a decision? He’s not exactly light.” Scott braced himself as Joe leaned into him.

“I’m sure. Come on Scott, help me get him in,” Charlie said. I followed them, feeling like I should be helping in some way.

When Joe was securely in the passenger seat, seatbelt secured and head resting against the headrest, I kissed him on his forehead, thanked Charlie, and shut the door. Scott disappeared back into the building, but I stood in the street watching the car vanish into the darkness.

Chapter 15

I turned, disgusted with my boyfriend. With my brother. With Zach. “What is your problem!” I yelled, storming towards Zach as he leaned against his Jeep.

“Your boyfriend’s a douchebag.”

I stepped closer. “What do you not understand about the fact that he was drunk?”

“And that makes it okay? He can just grab you like that? Hang on you like you’re some kind of—”

I wanted to slap him. Scream in his face. I clenched my fists and stepped even closer. “Some kind of what?”

He looked up, dark eyes even darker. “Like you’re a piece of meat.”

All restraint was lost. My hand pulled back, but before it connected with his cheek he grabbed my wrist. I tried to push it forward, wanting to make some sort of contact, cause him some sort of discomfort, just as he was me.

But his hand was a tight cuff on my wrist and made it impossible. I narrowed my eyes to the evilest glare possible and showed great self-restraint, I thought, by not growling at him. His eyes narrowed back, neither of us blinking. I refused to be the first to break our silent staring contest.

He stepped towards me, my wrist still in his hand, his eyes still intent and focused.

Another step. His spicy scent filled the gap between us. Another step and my breath hitched. He dropped my wrist, his hand sliding up the bare skin of my inner arm, shooting chills straight up my neck. I stood still, frozen by his nearness.

He leaned back, a battle playing out in his eyes as he ran his other hand through his hair. “Screw it,” he said, and before I could utter a single word, his hand wrapped around the back of my neck and drew me close as he crushed his lips to mine.

What the hell was he doing? I had a boyfriend! Yet I didn’t shove him away. Instead, I reached my arm around his neck, my other hand gripping his shirt and tugging him closer to me, my back smacking into his Jeep. Heat shot through me—I could feel it in my chest, my belly, seeping right down to between my thighs.

Every ounce of emotion I felt—anger, loss, fear, desire—released itself into the kiss. His hands roamed down my back, resting on my butt and pushing me hard against him. I felt his erection against my stomach, turning me into a ball of raging hormones.

I parted my lips to let him deepen the kiss. Our tongues danced together, tasting and exploring.

All the feelings I’d turned off when he walked out of my life slammed back into me. I missed this. It felt like home. I knew what I was doing was wrong. But I didn’t want to let go.

I didn’t have to.

Zach pushed away from me. “We shouldn’t do this,” he said breathlessly against my cheek. He rested his forehead against mine, his hand gripping the Jeep to my side.

“I know,” I whispered and when he blinked up, his familiar eyes looking past the surface, reflecting everything I felt, I was sucked in, and all common sense was gone. I mashed my lips to his, pressing my hips into him. Electricity sparked between us again as our tongues met and I moaned.

Needing to feel more of him I reached up, holding his face in my hands. At my touch he thrust his tongue into my mouth and tingles ran across my scalp, continuing down my spine. It was everything I remembered, but even more because of my desperation to make up for all the time lost between us.

Zach ripped away from me, running his hands through his hair. It was like a punch to the gut. I slumped against the Jeep, breathless and spent. The passion faded out of Zach’s gaze and was quickly replaced by anger, disappointment—and what else, I wasn’t really sure. But when his eyes met mine I could feel his discontent.

“I can’t. Not while you’re with him.”

I stood completely speechless, my mind running in a million different directions, my lips swollen from his kisses. It was a little late for that now, wasn’t it? My eyes burned with pain, and I turned away before he had a chance to see.

His large hand engulfed my much smaller one.

“I need you to know this—despite what you may think, I still care about you.”

I ran my fingers along my lips, already feeling the loss of him. An ache grew in my stomach and memories of that summer invaded my thoughts. Of all the tears I shed when he gave up on me. On us.

My desire was gone, replaced by the confusion that ran rampant in my head, but when I looked up at him, resentment was all I felt. I tore my hand from his and distanced myself.

“No,” I said. “You don’t get to do that. If you actually cared, truly cared about me, you would have called. I haven’t heard from you in over a year. You have no idea what is going on in my life. So you don’t get the option to care about me. You lost that right the minute you decided to forget me.”

He stepped closer, completely closing the gap between us. “I never forgot about you.” He tucked my hair behind my ear, sending a shiver down my spine. I hated that he could break through the anger coursing through me.

I looked out into the darkness, allowing the anger to consume me.

“Yeah? Well you have a really shitty way of showing it.”

And with that I walked away, not looking back.

* * *

Have you ever woken up and wondered, where did it all go wrong? That was my first thought on Sunday.

After Joe was carried away and I lost my freaking mind and basically threw myself at Zach, I went back to the party and drank until I could barely walk. Turning to alcohol instead of dealing with my emotions was not my style. But I wanted to forget. Forget how Zach’s lips felt on mine. How good it felt to be in his arms again. How my body betrayed my head and responded to his touch, his scent. No. I didn’t want to remember any of it. Because the only thing it would lead to was heartache.

That morning, drinking my problems away seemed like the biggest mistake of my life. Especially when I got a call from my parents at eight a.m. to tell me their ship was in port and they’d be emailing me pictures.

I felt like my head was in a vise grip. My mouth was so dry that my tongue stuck to the roof, and the sun shining through my window was quickly becoming my biggest nemesis. To say I felt awful would be putting it mildly. Very, very mildly.

I hurried them off the phone before my head exploded.

If having a killer hangover wasn’t bad enough, the apartment looked like a war zone. Beer cups littered every surface, the beer can tower was twice the size of me, and chairs were flipped on their sides. Worst of all, I was alone.

Josh had taken off after I told him I hated him. He’d met me in the parking lot right after I stormed away from Zach and told me that the party was my problem and I was on my own, in less kind words. I’ve never seen him so mad. Then again, I had never been so angry at him either.

I wish I knew where he’d gone, though. Was he okay? I didn’t see him with a beer, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t drinking.

I hoped he’d had sense enough not to drink and drive. That’s all I needed, a call from the local county jail, telling me my brother was sitting behind bars, a criminal charged with a DWI. Or worse. I didn’t even want to think about it. But there was no way—Josh was smarter than that.

And where the hell was Sadie?

I had a headache the size of Texas, a mouth drier than the Sahara, and a mess a pig would be proud of. It was a great morning.

After putting sunglasses on to shield my eyes from the endless rays of sunshine, I started cleaning in the kitchen. By the third garbage bag I came to the conclusion that my apartment had clearly been invaded by a bunch of Neanderthals.

I mean, how hard was it to throw a cup in the garbage? Apparently painstakingly difficult. As I picked up part of a broken bottle from the counter I glanced up, remembering the red liquid that had splashed across the kitchen the night before. The glass shattering on the floor. Zach coming to help me.

If it wasn’t for Zach helping me that wine could have stained, and I wouldn’t have been able to get rid of the stain no matter how much cleaning I did. Our deposit would have been in serious jeopardy.

Okay, so he had his moments, but that didn’t mean I was going to talk to him. He’d kissed me. Technically I’d kissed him back and then initiated it again after he pulled away, but nobody needed to know that. I had a boyfriend! What the hell was he thinking?

Besides, he had come to the party with Tanya. She would have been more than eager to wrap her body around him and tangle their tongues together, so why me?

And since when did he start throwing punches anyway? He was the type of guy who settled a fight with a game of Wii bowling or tennis. I guess he had changed. He was no longer my Zach. He still had that cool, unguarded charm, but throwing punches? My Zach would never have done that.

What was I thinking? He wasn’t my Zach anymore. Hadn’t been for a long time.

It took two long hours to get my place back to normal. It would have taken half that if I hadn’t been dragging so much. At two hours and five minutes, Sadie showed up. Figures.

I opened the door to find her in the same clothes from the night before. “Sade, where the hell have you been?”

By the huge smile she wore, I didn’t need to be concerned.

“I was with Matt,” she said, red spreading across her cheeks. “Forgot my keys.”

“Wait you were with Matt all night?! Did you guys—?”

“No!” She jumped in before I could finish my question. “We just talked.” I raised my eyebrows in disbelief. “He’s not like the other guys,” she protested.

“Really? You just talked?” I wasn’t buying it for a second.

“Okay, fine, we kissed.” Her lips pulled tight before she added, “A lot.”

“At least somebody had a good night.” I ran my fingers through my hair and held it up on top of my head.

“You look like crap.”

I looked at her, defeated, tired, and completely hungover. “Liz, what happened?” she asked, coming closer.

“Not sure how much you missed, but I’ll give you a quick overview.” We walked into the kitchen as I recounted the night’s events. “Evan tried to open a wine bottle against the wall,” her eyes widened and I responded with, “I know. Then I stumbled on him and Vicky with their tongues down each other’s throats.” Sadie’s eyes widened even more. “Yeah, and then I found Scott and Ruthie about to get it on in my bed.”

“No! They didn’t!” She smacked her hands on the counter.

“Don’t worry. I already threw my sheets in the wash. And of course Joe got drunk.”

“Oh God, not again.” Her gray eyes practically rolled into the back of her head.

“Yeah. He was getting all touchy-feely, and I wasn’t in the mood for it and I pushed him off me, and I kind of dragged some unwanted attention to us. So Zach interpreted it as my boyfriend was trying to take advantage of me, which he wasn’t, and Zach punched him in the face.”

“Wait a second!” She held her hand up to stop me. “Zach as in Zach-Zach?”

“We only know one Zach.”

“Are we sure we’re talking about the same Zach? The Zach that made me and you settle an argument by Wii bowling?” I was glad to know I wasn’t the only one whose thoughts went there.

“That’s the one,” I said.

“Get out of here. Why do I always miss the good stuff?”

“It wasn’t so good. Trust me. Afterwards I kicked him out and then Josh kicked Joe out.” I tentatively placed a grape in my mouth, hoping I’d be able to keep it down. And hoping Sadie wouldn’t ask any more details about Zach. Because frankly, I had no desire to tell her about our argument after I kicked him out. Especially not about the kiss. I just wanted to pretend it never happened.

“Typical Joe. Can’t really blame Josh.” She ignored my evil glare and continued. “So you left your own party to drive him home?”

“No, Charlie drove him home.”

“Oh,” she exclaimed, turning away from me.

“What?” I demanded.

“Nothing.”

“Sade, I don’t know if you realize this, but today is not a day for ambiguity. What is it?”

She tossed her hair over her shoulder and chewed on her fingernail. “Well, don’t you think it’s weird that Charlie drove him home?”

Why would I think that was weird? Sadie over thought everything. You would think with her mom being a psychiatrist she would have a better grasp on reality.

“No. I was blocked in. She was parked in the street.”

“Yeah but . . .”

“But what?” I asked.

“I don’t know. She’s always staring at him and following him around like a lost puppy.”

“They’re bandmates. Nothing more.”

“If you say so, but I’d keep my eye on her.” She tossed a grape in her mouth. “It’s always the quiet ones you have to watch out for.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Now enough of my drama. What happened with Matt?”

“It turns out,” she paused for effect. “He’s liked me for years.”

“Told you so.” I couldn’t help myself.

Sadie filled me in on her entire night with Matt, from the minute they left the party to the second she walked back in the door. I was happy they’d finally had the guts to admit what everyone else had known all along.

She stood up from the counter. “I’m going to shower then head out to pick up my brother.”

After last night and knowing my v-card-losing plans were no longer, since Joe and I clearly needed to work a few things out, I wished she was staying in tonight.

The water turned on in the bathroom, and at the same time the front door opened. Josh stepped in and as soon as he saw me he rolled his eyes and turned to walk out. Why the hell did he even bother coming back?

“Wait. Where were you?” I stood up, hands on my hips, as if I were our parents.

“Zach’s,” he mumbled.

“Sleeping with the enemy.” I shook my head in disbelief.

“First off, as good-looking as Zach is I wouldn’t sleep with him. He’s not my type. And secondly, he’s not the enemy. He was protecting you last night. You should be thanking him.”

“Protecting me from what? From Joe?” I didn’t mean to yell. I just hated that Josh kept taking Zach’s side. He was my brother, dammit. We were a team. You didn’t abandon your teammates, no matter how much trouble they got into.

“Liz, he’s an ass.”

“Whatever. Just because you and Zach are BFF’s doesn’t mean you have to take his side. I’m your sister, for chrissake.” My hands flailed with each word.

“Yes, you are, but that doesn’t change the fact that your boyfriend is an ass. Naturally I’d want to take your side, but this time you’re wrong. Dead wrong. Joe shouldn’t have said what he said, and he sure as hell should not have been trying to get you to do something you didn’t want to do. You’re lucky it was Zach that intervened, because if it was me, he would have had more than a bloody nose.”

I didn’t say anything. My brother was not the violent type, and I couldn’t believe what he was saying.

“You can do better than him, Liz.”

“Like who? Zach?” I yelled. “In case you forgot, he left and stopped calling me, not the other way around.” Tears stung my eyes, but I pushed them back. “I loved him and, he destroyed me. Some great guy he turned out to be.”

“People change. They grow up. Maybe it’s time you did the same.”

Before I could think of a comeback, he grabbed his duffel bag and stomped his way to the door, slamming it behind him.

I could have chased him. I could have continued the fight. I didn’t. There was nothing left to say.

* * *

Josh left without a goodbye. Not even a text, though I do remember some point during the weekend him saying something about having to study for a science test and that he’d be heading out early. Still, he could have said goodbye.

Whatever. He’d get over it. The next time he came to visit, this weekend would be a thing of the past. He probably wouldn’t even remember why he wasn’t talking to me. I didn’t worry about it. I had other things to worry about. Like getting to class.

Jeans and a hoodie were all I could manage as I stumbled around my room Monday morning, still partially hungover, if that was even possible. I must’ve said “I’ll never drink again,” three hundred times within the last 24 hours.

When I got to campus I didn’t wait for Joe. He’d stopped showing up for class a while ago anyway. Give the boy a pair of drumsticks and the delusion he’d be famous, and you might as well say goodbye to higher education. I hadn’t even called him Sunday to see how his nose was. It’s not that I wasn’t concerned—I just didn’t want to deal with it. Though, as I sat waiting for class to start and dwelling on the night’s events, I started to get angry with not only Josh and Zach, but Joe too.

He ruined my weekend. He ruined my party. He ruined any chance of Josh liking him. And I could guarantee he wouldn’t remember a single second of it.

He always drank too much. Granted it was a party, but there was no reason for him to get sloppy. He could never have just one drink. He wasn’t capable. One always turned into five and next thing you knew he’s passed out in the bushes.

Monday was supposed to be the day I finally handed my v-card to Joe, but as I walked into class I couldn’t think of enough ways to avoid him. It was like I was back at square one, but instead of just dodging Zach, I was avoiding Joe too.

Zach had already been at his desk when I walked into Principles of Writing. I would have sworn he was on a mission to slowly destroy me, but as soon as I walked in he’d moved his desk away from mine.

When class ended, I bolted. Call it childish or whatever you’d like—I don’t care. I’d gone from being somewhat unknown on campus to the most talked about freshman around. Everywhere I went, someone told me how crazy my party had been and asked if Joe was okay. Somehow word had gotten out that Joe and Zach had gotten in this massive fight, the cops had been called, and basically all hell had broken loose. It was like that game you play when you’re little: telephone. The message gets so warped by moving from one person to the next that by the time it reaches the end it’s completely fabricated.

I ditched my last class and headed home. I was tired. Tired of everything. I wanted my pj’s, a brownie, and Sadie’s collection of the ultimate rom coms. An afternoon of vegging out and turning my brain off was exactly what I needed. Plus, I had to finish that stupid paper.

I got home in record time and hopped out of my car.

“Babe!” Joe’s voice travelled through the parking lot, and I cringed in response. “Wait up!” I had two choices. Run or stop avoiding and deal with it. I decided to deal with it. Why prolong the inevitable?

I stopped at the door and waited for Joe to approach. If I went inside, he would charm me into making out on the couch. And that was so not happening. No! I was ready for a battle. I was ready to tell him how he ruined my night and destroyed his chances of my brother ever accepting him.

Joe’s usually clear complexion was marked with a swirl of black, blue and purple underneath his right eye. Suddenly my anger faded. I had never seen him look so . . . so . . . hurt.

“Oh jeez, are you okay?” I took his face in my hands and stared at his eye before giving him a kiss. How could I start a fight with him? He looked like hell.

He placed his hand on mine. “I’m fine.”

“Does it hurt?” Gently, I ran my finger along the contour of his cheekbone.

“A little, but I’ll be fine.” I turned away and unlocked the door. His hand wrapped around my waist and he turned me towards him. “Liz. I’m sorry.”

“For what?” I asked, knowing there were a multitude of things he could be apologizing for.

“Zach told me I was being a dick. So I just wanted . . .”

I held up my hand. “Wait, you talked to Zach?”

“I didn’t know how I got the black eye. Woke up, saw myself, called Scott. He filled me in. Later Zach showed up.” I must’ve looked surprised because Joe rested his hand on my shoulder. “I thought he was going to throw another punch, even though I’m not fully sure why he threw the first one. But he came to talk shit out. We agreed it was a misunderstanding and that was that.”

Only Zach would punch somebody and then show up the next day to work it out. Whatever. I still wasn’t talking to him. I didn’t care if Joe could forgive him. Joe couldn’t even remember the night in question.

“Do you want to come up?” I asked.

He rested his hand on my cheek. “Band practice. Just wanted to make sure we’re cool.”

Of course. It was just as well though. I had a spot on the couch with my name on it. “We’re cool.”

He kissed my forehead and took off. I thought everything was good. No more drama. But nothing would have prepared me for what came next.

Chapter 16

Once I got inside, I threw my books on the counter and headed straight to the fridge. I was craving a bowl of cereal. Luckily, the milk still had a couple days before it expired. I grabbed the biggest bowl we had. I deserved it.

Vegging out was the perfect remedy for my crappy weekend. I switched the TV on, but the news seemed to be on every channel. I wasn’t used to being home so early, so I assumed it was normal.

As I changed channels, I replayed the weekend in my head. I thought about calling Josh, but hesitated. He was the one who had left without a goodbye.

After flipping through channels I found a rerun of One Tree Hill. I leaned back into the couch and shoveled spoonfuls of cereal in my mouth. Halfway through my cereal, my show paused for a commercial break. The words “BREAKING NEWS” flashed across the screen.

Breaking news never piqued my interest, simply because breaking news didn’t occur in my life or my town. It was probably another horrible terrorist attack in another country far away from me.

The bowl was cradled in my lap. One hand held the spoon, the other the remote. My finger was on the button, ready to change the channel, when the words in the bright red box caught my attention.

Shooting at Springfield University. 6 people confirmed dead. 17 injured. Story developing.

Cereal and milk spilled from my spoon. I blinked. Once. Twice. Three times. I must not have been reading it right. Springfield University was one of the best in the country. It’s the reason Josh had chosen it.

Josh.

I dropped the spoon in the bowl and reached for my cell. Thank God for speed dial. My hand shook and with each ring my stomach twisted in sickening fear.

“You got Josh. Leave it for me at the tone.” The phone slipped from my hand and splashed down in a pool of milk. Everything around me became a blur of sound and color. I was lost in the sound of blaring sirens coming from my television.

I drifted in and out of focus, teetering somewhere along consciousness. I tried to watch the television, but I couldn’t see past the building wall of tears. I tried to listen to what the reporter said, but my thoughts were too loud.

I don’t know how much time passed, but eventually there was a knock at my door. It was all so surreal. At first I didn’t even hear it, but whoever was there was determined to get in. I placed the bowl on the coffee table and opened the door in a zombie-like state.

“I just heard the news. I came straight here. Have you heard from him?” Zach’s hands rested on my shoulders. My eyes burned. My heart raced. I couldn’t move.

“Lizzie?”

His voice traveled through me, getting lost in the numbness of my mind.

“Lizzie! Snap out of it.” My eyes widened. My vision cleared.

“He’s not answering his phone,” I said.

“Jeez,” Zach said. “Come on, get inside. Have you called your parents yet?”

“I don’t know what to do.” My head snapped up. “What if he was shot? What if he’s dead?” The numbness passed as panic set in. Hot, salty tears streamed down my face. I couldn’t hold myself up anymore. My back fell against the wall and my body slumped to the floor.

Dead.

I didn’t want to think the possibility. I didn’t want to face it. The thoughts weighed heavy on my head until it fell forward into my arms. My body rocked back and forth uncontrollably, tears burned, the room spun, and I felt like I was falling.

“Zach . . . I can’t do this. I can’t do it alone. Don’t leave me.”

Warm, strong arms wrapped around me. His hand ran soft strokes down the back of my hair as he whispered in my ear, “I’m not going anywhere.” With all the energy I could muster I looked up at him. I had only seen him like this once before: on the day he sat with me for hours in the kitchen after my grandfather passed away.

Through blurry eyes I could see concern had overtaken his face. He didn’t know what to do any more than I did.

Everything that happened next was a blur, the actions melting through my mind like Dali’s clocks. Zach walked me back to the couch. He assured me everything was going to be okay, but I knew they were just words.

He pulled me close again, tucking my hair behind my ear before grabbing the cordless phone and disappearing into the kitchen.

I didn’t want to look at the TV, but at the same time my eyes were drawn to the chaos on the screen. Replays of officers surrounding the building, bodies wrapped in black bags being carried out on stretchers, yellow police tape, and people crying.

Everyone was crying.

The video shrank to a small box at the bottom of the screen and a reporter began to speak. “The shootings took place in the Kramer Science Building on the west side of the campus. It is believed the first shot occurred around one fifteen.”

I went to breathe in, but my breath got stuck in my throat. My teeth chattered. My nose twitched. My body became stiff. And the tears spilled out.

The science building.

No!

Josh had told me he had a science test. That’s why he left so early. Not because he wanted to avoid seeing me. He left because he had a test in the afternoon. With the party, he hadn’t had time to study. He was going back to his dorm to study for a few hours before he had to be in class for . . .

His science test.

I knew something was wrong. I could feel it in my core. I knew without a doubt that Josh was in the building when the shooter fired. Whether he was hit or not I wasn’t sure. But I knew he had been there.

My heart pounded against my chest. The sounds from the television disappeared. All I could hear were my thoughts. Every worst-case scenario ran through my head, the images stamping themselves deep into my mind.

“No, you don’t understand—this is an emergency.” Zach’s voice was the only thing breaking through my thoughts. He shouldn’t have been the one trying to reach my parents. I should have been calling them. Tracking them down.

They trusted me. This was my responsibility. If something happened to Josh, my family would crumble. Mom would never be the same. Dad would never be the same. I would never be the same.

I was never a religious person. I wasn’t raised going to church, but in that moment I needed something to hold on to. I needed hope. I needed a reason to believe miracles happened. I needed to believe my brother was not one of the seventeen injured, or worse, one of the six dead. Even if my gut told me otherwise.

“Yes, sir. Absolutely.” Zach’s voice entered my thoughts again. He sounded relieved. I could have gotten up. I could have walked into my bedroom to listen more closely to his conversation. Found out whom he was talking to. But I couldn’t move. My body was still numb. My legs felt like cinder blocks, holding me in place.

“She’s here. We’re at her place. No, she’ll be okay. Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it.” He continued to talk. “Yes, sir, absolutely. You’re welcome.” His voice faltered and I was left with nothing to hold on to.

I closed my eyes and tried to pull myself together. I owed it to my brother to be strong. He was always the strong one. I had always relied on him, but I needed to be a team player.

Zach knelt in front of me. “Liz.”

I tried to break through the numbness that consumed me. Tried to be strong, but I couldn’t speak.

“Lizzie.”

Hearing him say my name as only he said it gave me the strength I needed to fight the fear consuming me. Zach wasn’t going anywhere. He would be there to catch me if I fell.

“Yeah?” The word came out much softer than I intended but it came out.

“Your parents weren’t answering their phone, so I called the cruise line, but they were no help. I tried your parents’ cell phones again, and I finally got your dad. He was on the phone with the police.” Reflexively I grabbed Zach’s arm and waited for the words that had potential to break me.

All the pent up anger and regret I had towards Zach did not exist in that moment. He was all I had. I wanted him to say it fast. Get it over with. Like ripping off a Band-aid.

“Josh is alive, but he did get hit.” My grip tightened around Zach’s arm. If I was hurting him he didn’t show it.

Josh wasn’t dead, but he was one of the seventeen injured. How bad were his injuries? He’s alive, but was he going to be okay?

“Liz, listen to me.” Zach placed his hand on my shoulder. “He was shot in the leg and the bullet hit an artery, so they have to do emergency surgery. That’s all your dad could find out. He’s at Springfield Memorial Hospital. Your parents are trying to get a flight out of the Caribbean—that’s why your mom wasn’t answering. She’s on the phone with the airport. Liz, your parents aren’t here. You need to go and be there for him.”

Immediately, I got up from the couch, grabbed my keys and headed to the door. But as quickly as my hand gripped the doorknob, it was pulled away.

“Where are you going?” Zach walked in front of me, blocking my exit.

“To the hospital,” I said with no emotion in my tone. I was like a robot going through the motions.

“Liz, you can’t drive.”

“I have to. I need to get there. Josh has always been there for me.” I tried to push past him, but he was much stronger than me. He didn’t budge.

“I’m not arguing that, but we want you to get there in one piece. We don’t need you lying in a bed next to him.” Zach took my chin in his hand. “I’m driving.”

“What about Mimi? I don’t know when we’ll be back. You can’t leave her alone.”

“I already called the facility and spoke with Cheryl,” he said, releasing my chin. “It’s taken care of.”

“Are you sure? What if—?”

“Lizzie, we’re not playing the ‘what if’ game right now. Grab what you need and let’s go.”

Any other day I would have fought him, but I was emotionally drained and too exhausted to argue. So I did as he said. There was nothing in the house that I needed, though. What I needed was two and a half hours away.

I needed to see my brother.

Chapter 17

Light turned to dark. My numbness was turning into panic. My brother had been shot. He could have been killed. The thought of Josh lying in a pool of his own blood sent my leg into spasms.

“Lizzie, he’s going to be okay.” Zach’s hand rested on my knee. The warmth from his skin and the tenderness in his touch brought the shaking to a halt.

“I know.” I didn’t, but I needed to believe it was the truth.

“Then relax. He’s in the best place he can be right now. They’ll take care of him.”

As true as it was, the people at that hospital were still total strangers. My brother was getting rushed into emergency surgery and there was not a familiar face with him.

“I could have lost him,” I said, struggling to get the words out.

“But you didn’t.”

“But what if I had? What if he was one of the six dead? What would I have done? He’s my brother, Zach. My only brother. It’s always been me and him.”

Streams of tears rushed down my cheeks. I thought I’d pulled myself together, I thought I was okay, but in the back of my mind the fear of losing him was still there. I didn’t know the extent of his injuries—for all I knew, he might not be alive by the time I got to the hospital.

The Jeep swerved. Up until that point I had been unaware of the passing cars, completely oblivious to the fact we were even in a vehicle, but the sound of horns sent my attention to Zach.

What the hell was he doing?

The left lane moved farther away as Zach maneuvered three lanes over, pulled onto the shoulder of the highway, and threw the Jeep in park.

I couldn’t form words. All I could do was stare. Had he completely lost his mind?

“Come here,” he said but I continued to stare. Tears spilled from my cheeks onto my jeans. His arm reached out to me and it was all the invitation I needed. I fell against him, needing to be comforted in a way only he could manage.

“He’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay. You didn’t lose him. Look at me.” He rested his hand under my chin, guiding me until my eyes focused on his. “And you are not going to. Okay?” There was something deep within his eyes that made me believe him.

“Okay,” I whispered, too exhausted from tears to speak louder.

“You good?” He raised his eyes to me as he bent his head. And when he smiled my answer came quickly.

“I’m good.”

He wiped a stray tear away from my cheek. “Good, because the one thing I hate most in this world is seeing you cry.”

Zach pulled back onto the highway, but he didn’t remove his hand from my knee. I could have removed it for him but it was the only comfort I had, and I wasn’t about to do away with it. It’s funny. I spent so much time hating him, convinced he was out to make my life a living hell. In reality, he was the only one other than Josh and Sadie who was there for me.

Even when I didn’t think I needed him.

The rest of the drive was quiet. Mostly. Zach tried to get a karaoke session going at one point, but neither of us could get into it. I had too much on my mind, and even though Zach acted as if everything was okay, I could still sense the fear that lay deep within him. I could see it in the way he held the steering wheel. His fingers were tightly secured around the wheel and the determination in his grip told me that there was no room for error. He needed to get to the hospital just as badly as I did. He needed to see Josh for himself. And until he did, that tension wouldn’t lessen.

While his left hand had a death hold on the steering wheel, his right hand rested on my knee, tension-free. In a way, it was sweet how he was trying to hide his fear. No matter what the scenario was, he would always do what he thought was right in order to protect me.

“We’re here,” Zach said.

I glanced out the window to see a large white building that looked more like a five-star hotel than a hospital. The hospital was surrounded by police cars and news trucks. Reporters leaned against them, drinking coffee and waiting for more details on the big story. When Zach pulled the Jeep into the parking lot my heart raced, my stomach knotted, and it was all I could do to keep from throwing up.

Zach got a ticket at the gate before pulling into a space. Could you believe you had to pay to park at a hospital? What the hell was up with that? Normally it would have sent me into a ten-minute speech naming the top ten reasons why it was utter BS, but today my mind didn’t have time to focus on something so pointless.

It took me a minute or two to get myself together before I could get out of the car. Despite my best attempt at keeping them at bay, the tears started again. I dabbed my eyes with my sleeve before Zach reached over me and retrieved a napkin from the glove box.

“Thanks,” I said and took it in my hand.

“You’re welcome. Now, what did I tell you about crying?” He closed the glove box then turned his attention to me.

“Sorry.” I swiped the tissue under my eyes to absorb the tears.

“Don’t be,” he said with a slight smile. “You can do this, Liz. You are one of the bravest people I know.”

“That’s a crock of shit,” I said with a weak laugh.

“No, it’s not. You’re a tough chick. Always have been. When life knocks you down, you wipe your butt off and get right back up. Nothing can keep you down.”

Except for you, I wanted to say. Except for you.

He was right. I hated when he was right. But I couldn’t deny the truth. I was a pretty tough chick. My only true weakness was him.

“Let’s do this,” he said as he got out of the car. He came over to my side, opened the door and stuck out his hand. I took a deep breath, slid my hand into his and walked with him towards the building. Zach might be my only weakness, but at the same time, he gave me strength.

Talk about an oxymoron.

“Miss! Miss! Do you know any of the victims?”

A wall of reporters rushed towards us. Zach’s hand tightened on mine. The only thing separating me from the vultures were two uniformed police officers and easily removable yellow caution tape.

“Did you lose someone?”

My feet stopped moving and my body stiffened as the words hit me like a brick. I wanted to scream, to tell them all to shut up, but my mouth and brain were on two different planes.

Instead I stared at them, looking into their eyes. I heard more screams, but the reporters’ words blended into static. Zach’s arm wrapped around me like a shield and guided me through the door. When we walked into the hospital, though, not even Zach was able to give me the strength I needed to ignore what I saw.

I heard her before I saw her—the blood-curdling screams of a mother who had just found out her child would never come home again. The pain was nearly unbearable as it exploded in my gut. I almost turned around. I almost ran away and never looked back.

Then Josh’s face passed through my mind. His cocky grin, his dirty blond hair falling just above his light eyes. The image of him got me to make the turn that brought me face-to-face with the grieving mother.

I didn’t expect to catch her gaze. I didn’t think she was capable of concentrating on anything else other than her inconsolable pain. But there we were, staring at each other. Tears streamed down her dark skin. A man helped her from the floor and for whatever reason she stayed focused on me.

Maybe she sensed I was about to go through something similar. I hoped I wasn’t, but my doubts started to overtake my rational thoughts.

It was the longest ten seconds of my life.

As I continued to look at her grief-stricken face, a tear slipped down my cheek. My nose scrunched in the way it does when I’m about to lose control of my emotions and I bit my lip as I gave a slight understanding nod of acknowledgement.

Her expression mimicked mine and even though no words passed between us, I knew we were in this together, and I understood some semblance of what she was going through.

She was the first to look away as she turned back into the arms of the man who was with her. I looked on for a second more before Zach pulled me towards the main desk.

A petite woman with short brown hair and big brown eyes greeted us. I could tell by the crease in her brow and the bags under her eyes that this was probably the worst day of her career.

“Hi,” she said, the word a bit too anxious. As if she knew she was about to shatter my world.

I went to speak, but no words came. My throat became hot and dry as a lump formed. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get words around it.

I looked to Zach, needing him in that moment more than I ever had before. I might be a tough chick, but I couldn’t do this alone. I needed him. I needed him to be my voice. To give the lady the information she needed in order to find my brother. To let me know if he was alive or dead. She wouldn’t give me the information directly, but I’d be able to tell by the look on her face.

I waited for Zach to speak as the woman waited for one of us to say something. Anything.

If it was the other way around and Josh was the one coming for me, he would have blurted out all of the information. Heck, he would have been searching rooms to find me. But that was Josh. And as tough as Zach insisted I was, I was not my brother. I would never be as tough as him.

I tried to speak again. Another failed attempt. I squeezed Zach’s hand, hoping it would show how much I needed him.

“We’re looking for Josh Wagner. He was one of the shooting victims.” Zach’s voice cracked, and my heart skipped a beat.

Chapter 18

I looked to the lady behind the desk, studying her features intently as she typed Josh’s name into the system so that I could recognize a bad reaction.

I didn’t realize I was squeezing Zach’s hand until he shook it to lessen my grip. I was surprised I even felt it. I was numb again. Nothing around me existed. Only the woman behind the desk.

Her eyes scanned the screen and I followed each motion of her head, desperately trying to acquire any sort of information. Anything to let me know that when she opened her mouth to speak, my world wouldn’t fall down around me.

“I just need to make a call,” she said and turned her face away.

Why would she turn away? Did she know I was looking for hints from her expression? Was the information on her screen something she wasn’t authorized to tell me?

My hand tightened around Zach’s again. This time he didn’t shake it away. He let me squeeze until I couldn’t squeeze anymore. I could tell he was as tense as I was. His eyes focused on the back of the woman’s head waiting for what she would say next.

“Yes, Josh Wagner,” she said into the phone. My heart pounded against my chest. I swear it felt as if it was about to jump out onto the counter.

That same vision of Josh lying in a pool of blood flashed back into my mind. I tried to push it away. I turned my attention to the television hanging above the waiting room only to see Springfield University’s campus covered in bright yellow police tape and tons of police walking in and out of the science building.

“I don’t like this,” I said to no one in particular. My teeth bit down on the inside of my cheek. I tasted blood but I didn’t care. Just like I didn’t care that I was cutting off the circulation to Zach’s hand. I needed something to hold on to. Something to keep me grounded. And those two things were all I had control over.

More cops walked past. More sounds of grief echoed through the stark waiting room. It took all I had not to cover my ears and run away.

“What is your relation to Mr. Wagner?” The lady turned and I was able to focus on her features again. She had a real poker face. Not a single emotion showed in the dark skin of her face.

“I-I’m his si-sister,” I forced the words out.

“He just got out of surgery. I was calling to see if he is allowed visitors yet.”

“Is he? Is he okay?” The surgery was over. Why did they need to operate? Did he still have a leg? Were they sure he wasn’t shot anywhere else? What if he was paralyzed?

“The doctors will know more, but he’s out of surgery and allowed visitors so that’s definitely a good thing,” she said.

I wanted to collapse. That was the most reassuring thing I had to go on. At least until I was able to see Josh myself.

“So can I see him?” I asked, anticipation and fear all rolling into one.

“You can. What is your relationship to Mr. Wagner?” The woman turned her attention to Zach.

“A friend,” he said, flashing her his most charming smile.

“I’m sorry but only family is allowed to see him at the moment.”

My eyes shot to Zach’s, my legs becoming weak beneath me. I shook my head back and forth as tears made their way back down my cheeks.

“He has to go with me,” I said, turning back to the woman.

“I’m sorry but it’s hospital policy. Family only.” She looked away from me and back to her computer screen.

“You don’t understand.” I put my hand down on the counter waiting for her to look back at me. “I have to see my brother. But I can’t do it alone. My parents are on vacation and I’m the only person here for him. I can’t not see him. But I can’t do it alone either. I can’t. I just can’t. I . . .” My head fell into my hands. Uncontrollable sobs sent my body into minor seizures.

Zach reached out to me, pulling me in to his chest. He pushed the hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear. His chest was warm and comforting and I wanted to curl up in a ball and hide there until my parents arrived.

“Okay,” I heard the lady say. “If anyone asks, you’re his cousin,” she said, handing over two passes. “Under normal circumstances you’d have to check in at the nurse’s station, but we’re shorthanded. Just head back.”

“Okay,” Zach said.

The lady kept talking, but I couldn’t hear her. I was too focused on her face, trying to pick up on something, anything to tell me she might be lying so she wouldn’t have to witness another person collapsing in grief.

Zach’s arms fell from my waist, one moving to his side, the other resting on my lower back as he guided me towards the entrance to the ICU.

I hated hospitals. My grandfather died in a hospital. I didn’t trust them. I didn’t like the look or the smell. The ICU was worse. So many people hooked up to tubes. If it wasn’t for Zach’s hand on my back I would have collapsed.

“He’s right this way.” Zach pointed around a corner and I came to a stop. “What’s the matter?” he asked.

I couldn’t talk. I froze. I shook my head as tears spilled out. “I don’t know what to expect. I don’t want to go in first.” How was I supposed to be there for Josh when I couldn’t even get myself to walk past the damn curtain?

“Okay.” Zach walked in front of me and I followed.

When we reached the curtain where Josh was, I stopped and watched as Zach disappeared. I listened, hoping to hear Josh’s voice.

Nothing.

I heard Zach’s voice though. “Hey, man. How you feeling?”

Silence.

“Yeah, getting shot must suck. Not so fun when you’re actually in the game, huh?” Zach said.

Zach kept talking, but why couldn’t I hear Josh? Was Zach holding a one-sided conversation or was Josh talking and I couldn’t hear him over the ventilators and heart monitors?

“She’s here,” I heard as I continued to listen. “I know, she’s such a girl, isn’t she? Being scared of her own brother. What’s that about?”

“I am not scared of my brother!” I declared as I stepped around the curtain.

Josh, my brother who was always bigger than life looked small. Feeble. Completely out of it. Connected to a hundred different wires and machines.

“I thought you . . . weren’t scared . . . of me.” Just talking seemed like a struggle for him. What horrors had he gone through? What had he seen? Who was I to be scared of anything when Josh had been stuck in a building with a gunman out for blood? Suddenly my fear seemed pointless.

“I’m not,” I said as I did everything in my power to keep the tears from flowing out again. “Oh my God, Josh. Are you okay? How are you? Does it hurt?” I ran from my spot in the doorway and threw myself across his chest, not even thinking that I could have hurt him or pulled one of the wiry things out. “I thought I lost you.”

“We both know . . . you . . . have never been . . . that lucky.” Even with tubes through his nose and attached to his arms he was still a smartass. Thank God.

“Good to see getting shot didn’t change you,” I said, a smile tugging at my lips for the first time in hours.

“Never,” he said, trying his hardest to smirk but falling short.

“Your parents are trying to get a flight out of the Caribbean right now,” Zach said. “Hopefully they’ll be here by tomorrow.”

Josh nodded as best he could. His eyes rolled back and just like that he was asleep. At first I didn’t realize he was sleeping. My eyes widened and I jumped from the bed looking around as if I could do something to help him. Didn’t these rooms have call buttons in case of emergency? Wasn’t this an emergency?

“He’s drugged up. It’s normal.” Zach placed his hand on my shoulder.

I took a deep breath, slowly realizing I didn’t have anything to worry about. Granted, I had yet to talk to a doctor or a nurse, but that didn’t matter as much anymore. I’d seen Josh with my own eyes. I’d talked to him. He was the same Josh, just drugged and hooked up to a million wires.

Josh’s eyes opened again. He looked excited to see us but it could have been the pain medication.

“Liz. Zach,” he said, as if he didn’t just have a conversation with either of us. “You didn’t . . . have . . . to come.” Just hearing the struggle in his voice was breaking my heart. I wanted to make it all go away. I wanted to take away his pain.

I took his hand in mine. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Psst.”

“What Josh? What is it?” Slowly he lifted his hand and waved his finger at me to come closer. I followed his instructions and leaned in. “What is it? Do you need something? Tell me.” I looked over his tubes to make sure nothing fell out, to make sure all monitors were reading properly.

“They stuck a tube in my dick,” he said, and if he had had the ability, he would have flashed his big-toothed grin. Instead it was a half-lip lift.

“Oh my God! Josh!” I screeched while Zach fell into a fit of hysterical laughter. “I’m glad you can still joke in a situation like this.” I stood up from his bedside and stormed away. I’d spent the last five hours wondering if my brother was dead. From finding out about the shooting to the waiting to finally seeing him, it was the worst five hours of my life, and when I finally get to see him, he turns it into a joke.

“Lizzie, come on,” Zach called after me. I was about to walk through the curtain and out into the main area when I felt Zach’s hand on my shoulder.

“Lizzie, be happy he’s still himself,” he said softly in my ear.

Zach was right. Again! Ugh, I hated that. I was over hating him but that didn’t mean I would stop hating the fact that he always proved me wrong.

I turned back around in time to see Josh’s head hang down as a loud snore escaped. That made me laugh. If I closed my eyes I could pretend I was in my room with the pillow over my head, trying to drown out his snoring.

But I knew when I opened them he would still be hooked up to wires and no matter how hard I tried, the cramped ICU room could never take on a resemblance to my bedroom.

Instead of trying to imagine a different scenario, I decided to accept the one I was facing. I sat down on Josh’s bed and took his hand in mine.

“Visiting hours are almost over. He needs his rest,” a nurse said as she came into the room. She walked over to Josh and checked his monitors. I didn’t want to get up but I quickly realized I was in the way.

“They can’t be,” I said. We had just gotten there.

“I’m sorry,” she said as she checked an IV bag. “I don’t make the rules.”

“I know. Is he okay? I mean, is he going to be okay?” I asked, grateful I finally was able to speak to someone who might be able to give me more information.

“He’s going to be just fine. The bullet hit his leg and he did lose a lot of blood, but he was one of the last people shot, which probably saved his life. He was lucky. Who knows if we’d be having this conversation if they didn’t get to him when they did.”

My heart stopped. I couldn’t imagine a world where Josh no longer existed. I felt Zach moving closer to me.

“They had to do a transfusion and the surgery was to remove the bullet and repair the artery. But with a little rehabilitation and determination, he’ll be back to himself in no time.”

“Hey, beautiful,” Josh said, coming to when the nurse moved a wire before changing an IV bag.

“Maybe even sooner than later,” she said with a laugh. “He’s a real charmer, your brother.”

He was. Even in a dowdy hospital gown, with disheveled hair and his eyes droopier than a bloodhound, he was. Even a bullet couldn’t change him.

“Yeah, but I’m immune to it. In time you will be too.” I sat in the chair next to the bed.

“Getting shot . . . doesn’t even . . . get me . . . sympathy.” Josh turned to look at the nurse then winced when he accidently moved his leg.

“You need to stop flirting and start focusing on getting better,” she said. “Now get some rest. I’ll come back later.”

“They . . . always do,” he said in true Josh fashion, right before falling back asleep.

The nurse left and I went to take my spot back on the bed when Zach grabbed my arm.

“We should go,” he said.

“I’m not going anywhere.” I yanked my arm out of his hold and sat beside Josh on the bed.

Zach walked over to me. “Liz, you heard the nurse. He needs his rest.”

“And he can get that with me here, so I don’t see a reason for leaving.”

“You need sleep,” he said.

“I can sleep here.” I was tempted to stand and stomp my foot but I refrained. I wasn’t going to resort to childish tactics. “I’m sure I can get a pillow and a blanket, and I’ll just put two chairs together in the waiting room. I’ll be fine.”

“Look, I saw a hotel around the corner,” Zach said. “We can give the nurse our cell numbers. If anything happens they can call us and we can be here immediately. You need to get some sleep. Don’t roll your eyes at me.”

I crossed my arms over my chest, determined to stand my ground. Then the damn nurse poked her head back in.

“I’m really sorry but visiting hours are over. He needs his rest. You can come back tomorrow. Visiting hours start at eight.”

“See?” Zach said. “Come on, let’s go. We can calm down and watch some TV—I’ll even let you have the remote.”

“No!” I yelled, immediately turning to Josh, worried I woke him. But he was snoring again.

“You can’t talk to him until tomorrow anyway. He can’t even tell if you’re here or not right now.” I could see the frustration burning in his eyes. For the most part Zach could keep his cool, but it had been a long day, and it was apparent his patience was waning.

“That’s not the point. Whether he knows or not, I will know. I will know if I was here. I need to be here. You can go if you want.” I waved my hand towards the curtain.

“I’m not leaving you here by yourself,” he said and moved closer.

“And I’m not leaving him here by himself. He already went through so much alone. I can’t leave him, Zach.”

“You’re not leaving him.” Zach came over to me, resting his hands on my shoulders.

“I—” I went to speak but the words wavered. Tears stung the corners of my eyes. All I wanted was to curl up next to my brother, just like I used to do when we were kids.

I had been scared of the dark, and he’d always let me come in his room whenever I heard a weird noise in the night. He’d even go as far as checking in his closet and under his bed for the monsters so I could rest easy.

“Look, this is one argument you are not going to win because if I have to, I will carry you out of here. You’re no use to your brother exhausted. Get a few hours of sleep and then we’ll be back first thing in the morning.”

I was sick of arguing.

“I guess a couple hours of sleep would be good.” I refused to look at him. I didn’t want to see the satisfaction on his face.

I looked back at Josh one last time. Mom’s words came to mind, “Kiss Josh for me.” At the time it seemed repulsive. Now it was the only thing I could think to do. I leaned over to my brother and kissed his cheek, just as Mom would have done.

Chapter 19

The hotel was more like a motel. It was dark, dingy and reeked of sleazy one-night stands. I would have been better off in the hospital waiting room. Granted the hotel room had a bed, but did I really want to sleep on those sheets? God only knew what illegal acts had taken place on them.

Zach came back with a key and pulled the Jeep up in front of our room. The red door made me think of the red light district in Amsterdam. I jumped out of the Jeep and ran into the room, hoping nobody would mistake me for a prostitute.

My eyes focused on the wood-paneled walls and the brown, flower-patterned carpet. It was something out of an episode of The Brady Bunch. And as if my life was a book or some crappy movie, there was only one bed. Not even a king. A queen.

The comforter was paper-thin and hunter green with pink flowers. This room was a tacky disaster. I was expecting the musty smell of water damage, but to my surprise it smelled of Pine Sol. It was the only plus in a sea of negatives.

Then again, who was I to be complaining about anything? My brother was alive. Six people were dead, and six families weren’t as lucky as me.

It made me want to pick something up and smash it against the wall so I could watch my anger shatter into a million pieces. And as my eyes scanned the room for the perfect object to take out my fury, I spotted the phone.

I dove at it, taking the receiver in my hand before realizing I didn’t have the number to the hospital. I looked to Zach and before I could ask he said, “I already called the hospital when I went to check in. Josh is doing fine. He’s sleeping. I gave them the number to the hotel and went over our cell numbers again. They said they would call us immediately if something happened. Then the nurse reassured me nothing is going to happen.”

But something already did happen.

“And I called your parents too. They’re at the airport right now on standby.”

My parents. What I would have given to have my Mommy in this moment.

“The lady at the front desk said we could rent movies on the TV. Movies still out in the theater. How awesome is that?” Zach said, an exaggerated smile forming on his face. He was trying to help, but come on. This was the 21st century—every hotel had in-room movies. Anyways, not even a marching band barging through our hotel room would have been able to divert my attention right now.

The sight of my brother with a million wires and tubes hooked up to him was permanently burned into my mind. And when I closed my eyes, the vision of him being shot played across my eyelids like a movie screen.

“Do you want to take a shower? I can get lost for a little while,” Zach said.

“No.”

“Do you want to watch a movie then? I think they have that one with Leonardo DiCaprio. I know how much you love him. Or at least used to.”

His feeble attempts to distract me were actually kind of sweet. From the minute Zach had arrived at my door that afternoon, through the whole day of ups and downs, he had been there. It was as if he was always there. As if he’d never left and the time he was gone didn’t exist. But it did.

“Still do,” I said and tried to smile, but my muscles were so weak it fell short.

“So what do you say? A little Leo to brighten your night?”

“I think I’m just going to lie down.” I didn’t wait for him to respond. I walked over to the bed, crawled to the pillows, wrapped my arms around them and closed my eyes, bracing for the images to return.

I felt the bed sink down as Zach sat on the edge. I should have said something. I could have thanked him for everything. But I just didn’t have it in me. I was exhausted, emotionally drained, and completely confused as to how one minute my life was pretty damn good and then the next a total disaster.

“I saw a Wal-Mart up the road. We need a few things. Do you want to come?” he asked.

Without opening my eyes I shook my head no, still clinging to the pillow.

“Okay, well, I’ll be back. Don’t open the door for anybody. Keep it locked. I have a key. And I have my cell if you need me.” The bed lifted as he rose. I waited to hear the sound of the door—instead I felt his hand on my head, smoothing my hair out of my face.

“Everything is going to be okay,” he said before kissing me on the forehead.

When I heard the sound of the door close I felt alone. Utterly and completely alone. I was scared. I needed my parents more than I ever had before and they weren’t there. I needed my brother, but he was the whole reason I was so anxious in the first place.

I realized Zach had been keeping me grounded through this whole tortuous day. He was the closest thing to family I had here with me, because regardless of the year of regret and anger, I once loved him.

When he walked out of that room, the wall in my heart that had taken forever to build up began to crack slightly.

Tears formed a film in front of my eyes until I finally succumbed to the overwhelming emotions I had been trying so hard to fight.

I cried.

I cried for my brother. For the lives lost. For the families who, unlike mine, would never see their loved ones again. For Mimi. For myself. For everything.

Tears poured out in streams of anger, fear and regret until there was nothing left. Until I was dry. Empty. With nothing left to cry over, I fell asleep.

I awoke to the sound of the door opening. A quick flutter of panic raced through me at the thought of an intruder. Then I saw Zach struggling with several bags and a large box. He made it to the dark oak dresser that held the TV and set everything down.

I sat up in the bed and pulled my knees into my chest. The salty tracks of the dried tears on my cheek reminded me of reality. Sleep had allowed me to forget about it momentarily.

“I got toothbrushes,” Zach said, holding up two toothbrushes and a tube of toothpaste. “I also got you deodorant because even if you look like hell, we don’t want you to smell.” A teasing smile settled on his face.

I picked up the pillow, the only thing for me to hold on to when he left, and tossed it at his head. I didn’t need the pillow anymore. He was back.

“Jerk,” I said and was surprised when it didn’t hurt to smile.

“Hey!” Zach yelled just before he caught the pillow inches from his face.

I shrugged then crawled to the edge of the bed. “What else did you get?”

“A couple slices of pizza. I know you’re probably not hungry, but you haven’t eaten all night.”

“Thanks. What’s in the box?” I asked, curious about its size.

Zach turned his back to me and I heard his hands smack on the side of the box as he took it into his grasp. When he turned back around I was able to see the picture on the side and I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time.

“An Easy Bake Oven,” I said. “You got me an Easy Bake Oven?”

“Yeah. I mean. You used to bake when you were upset. And I know you said you don’t bake anymore, but I saw it and figured why not. You don’t have . . .”

I didn’t let him finish. I threw my arms around his neck.

I pulled away, my eyes going swiftly to his. “You make it really hard to hate you,” I said.

“Now don’t go getting all sappy on me. I don’t need you crying and making the cookies soggy.”

“And then you say something like that and it’s not so hard.”

He gave me a little nudge to my shoulder with his elbow. I was happy to have the mood lighten. And I couldn’t wait to try out the Easy Bake Oven.

“So are we going to do this?” he asked.

“We? No. I’m going to do this.” I took the pack of mix from his hands.

“Wait a minute. I can’t help?”

“You can open the box. Other than that, no. I don’t want you messing it up.”

“Listen to you. Like you’re some sort of professional,” he said.

“Are you saying I’m not? After all, you’re the one who told me I should open a bakery.” I froze after the words left my mouth. Our past was something we couldn’t deny but that didn’t mean it wasn’t uncomfortable to bring it up.

“Touché. But you are out of practice.” He pointed at me, ignoring my sudden stiffness, and my fear of mentioning the past faded. I just wouldn’t do it again. This was not the time and definitely not the place.

“True, but it’s like riding a bike,” I said.

“Well I just so happen to have bought two packs of fudgy chocolate chip cookie mix.” He reached into the bag, pulled out the toothbrushes, and held up another pack. “I feel a bet coming on. You up for it?”

“What are the conditions?” I asked, knowing regardless of what they were, I was already in.

“We each make a batch and whoever’s is better gets the bed for the night,” he said, nodding towards it.

“Oh, you are on,” I said with a laugh.

“A year is a long time,” he said, and my heart skipped a beat.

What was that supposed to mean? Was he really going to bring up our relationship? Now?

“For all you know, I could have become a pro where Easy Bake Ovens are concerned,” he said, putting his game face on, the same one he got when he was in the middle of a video game with Josh.

“I’ll take my chances,” I said, and we both laughed.

When Zach pulled the oven out of the box I noticed it was a different, fancier version from the one I had when I was a kid. I took the box in my hand to read the directions and see if it worked the same.

“I’m sorry, Zach,” I said and he looked up, concern filling his dark eyes.

“For what?”

“This is for children eight and up. Looks like you’re disqualified.” I tried not to laugh. To keep my face as serious as possible.

“Cute. Very funny.”

“I thought so.” I smiled again. It felt good—a nice contrast to my earlier state.

Zach set everything up on the nightstand and placed it in front of the bed. We sat beside each other working on our creations. I couldn’t hold back a snort when I looked over and saw him placing rainbow sugar crystals in his cookie dough.

“What?” he asked, stopping what he was doing.

“Nothing.” I kept my attention on my mix and didn’t look up at him.

“You know what? You do what you do, and I’ll do what I do. Then when the taste test comes, we’ll see whose cookies are better.”

I nodded, perfectly aware they were not going to be his. Especially when he added the pink frosting mix after he put in the sugar crystals. You weren’t supposed to mix packages. The frosting and the cookie mix were two separate products. But I wasn’t about to tell him that. Besides, if he’d read the directions he would have picked up on that small but important piece of information. Then again, Zach was never one to follow the rules. He liked to think outside the box. Even if he did wind up with a poor excuse for a cookie, he wouldn’t care because his was creative. It was obvious he got his logic from Mimi.

I looked away when our eyes met. For whatever reason, the intensity in his gaze scared me. It was too familiar. Too reminiscent of times past. I couldn’t handle it. So before I could fall into his spell, I shifted my eyes away.

We finished making our cookies with little conversation. I pretended I was intent on making the best cookies an Easy Bake Oven could make.

Zach tried taking his cookie out after a few seconds, but I made Mr. Impatient wait the full eight to nine minutes as the directions stated. The alarm on his phone beeped and Zach took the spatula thing that came in the box and took his cookie out of the oven. We’d both decided to make one big cookie rather than the four the mix could supposedly make.

He placed it next to mine and I couldn’t help bursting out laughing. His cookie looked like it had been chewed up and spit back out.

“What?” he said. “It’s not that bad.”

I kept laughing. Big, loud, bellowing, laughs.

“Go ahead. Laugh it up. It’s not about the look, it’s about the taste,” Zach said, taking the cookie off the pan.

“I’m not tasting that,” I managed to say between laughs.

“Fine, be that way. I’ll taste it, then.” He broke off a piece and placed it in his mouth. I watched as his nose scrunched and his cheeks puffed. My laughter reached a new high.

“Don’t worry, I’ll give you a pillow from the bed,” I said, holding my side.

He walked over to the bathroom garbage and spit his cookie out.

“Wait a minute,” he said. “We still haven’t tasted yours.”

“Be my guest.” I waved to the pan that held my perfectly baked cookie.

“Just because it looks good doesn’t mean it tastes good,” he said, then placed a piece of the cookie in his mouth.

I stood back, waiting for his opinion.

“How is this possible?” he asked. I raised my eyebrows in question. “You even make Easy Bake Oven cookies amazing.”

“I’m a pro, remember?”

He didn’t respond. Instead he reached across the nightstand and wiped fudgy chocolate down my nose.

“Ugh! I can’t believe . . .” I jumped up, grabbed the leftover cookie mix, and started chasing him around the room. He was quick—it was something his dad was proud of. Unfortunately, being quick hadn’t been enough for him to make the football team in high school, which is why the first time I saw him he was handing the microphone to Smith Johnson.

Zach had wanted to be a part of the team because his dad was a local legend, and I knew he’d felt he had to walk in his footsteps. After a month of being the team’s gopher, though, he’d quit and started going after his own dreams, which I think is what his dad had wanted for him all along.

It’s funny how you remember things at the most unexpected moments.

I jumped on the bed, my legs ready to propel me in either direction. Zach was across from me on the floor, his eyes searching for a way to escape.

In one quick motion, I leaped from the bed, landed right in front of him, and smeared chocolate from his forehead, down his nose to his chin.

The laughing came again, but it quickly ended when the vision of the woman at the hospital collapsing to the floor flashed through my mind.

“This isn’t right,” I said, sitting down on the bed.

“No, it’s not,” Zach said, wiping the chocolate from his nose and licking his finger.

“That’s not what I meant. We’re here laughing and joking around as if nothing is wrong. But people lost their lives today. Families lost their kids. My brother is drugged up and lucky to be alive, but here we are having a grand old time.”

Zach sat down beside me and placed his hand on my knee. “Just because their lives stopped doesn’t mean yours has to.”

“How do you always know the right thing to say?” I looked into his eyes, not afraid of the intensity anymore.

“I don’t,” he said, and I rolled my eyes.

“No, you do,” I insisted.

“I’m going to let you in on a little secret.” He slid closer to me.

“And what’s that?”

“There is no secret. I don’t know the right thing to say any more than you do. For all I know, what I’m saying is utter bullshit. But sometimes bullshit is what you need. You know? And in all honesty, I just say what I’d want to hear given the situation.”

He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and I leaned my head against him. Whether he knew it or not, he had said the right thing yet again.

I was sitting in a hotel room with the boy I used to love. The only problem was, now I remembered why I loved him.

It was the little things. Like when he sat with me for nine hours while I baked, too upset to come to terms with the fact my grandfather was dead. And when we were watching Titanic and he turned to me and said, “You jump, I jump,” and as corny as it was, and even though I burst out laughing, it meant something to me.

Zach was always doing the little things. And now, with the Easy Bake Oven, it was obvious that much hadn’t changed.

People change. We had both changed. That much was true. But was it possible for two people to change, yet still be perfect for each other?

Chapter 20

Zach cleaned up our baking mess while I showered. He had even bought me a cute pajama set with pink flannel pants and a pink tank top. He got it all right. I still hadn’t even thanked him. But how was I supposed to? He went above and beyond with everything. A single word seemed pointless.

I pulled the pajama pants on and my mind drifted to that day when I woke to find Zach on the couch with Josh. It seemed like forever ago. I laughed at the thought of being mortified at my appearance. If I only knew then Zach would see me snot all over, I could have saved myself a lot of useless humiliation.

Zach was already set up on the floor when I emerged from the bathroom. Guilt poked at me like a nagging kid trying to get my attention. I ignored it. I couldn’t deny everything he had done but that didn’t mean I was going to let him in bed with me.

“Better?” he asked as I crossed the room and crawled into the bed.

“Better. You need another blanket or pillow?”

“No, I’m fine.”

“Okay, goodnight then.” I reached over and turned the light off.

“Goodnight.”

Sleep sounded good. It was exactly what I needed, but as soon as the light turned off in the room, the one in my head sparked on. A million thoughts ran in circles in my brain and no matter how many times I tossed and turned, I couldn’t turn them off.

The woman from the hospital popped back into my head, and I relived the whole heartbreaking moment over and over again. I wondered if there was something I could have done. If I should have reached out to her? Spoken to her? Hugged her? There had to have been something I could have done. Anything. I didn’t notice the tears that slipped down my cheek. And didn’t even know I was crying until I felt Zach’s weight on the bed.

“It’s going to be okay,” he said, moving closer to me.

“I know. I just can’t stop crying.” I swiped at the tears, willing them to disappear.

“Come here,” he said, holding out his arms.

I moved until my back was pressed against his bare chest. His arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me closely into him. His body was warm and his presence made me feel safe. I knew he would protect me from any nightmares.

I focused on the warmth of his skin. The feel of his hand on my stomach and the smell of his cologne. Anything to keep the visions away. To keep me safe in my own mind.

“Zach,” I said, so low I wasn’t sure if I said it aloud or in my head.

“Yeah?” His breath was hot against my ear. I could smell mint from the toothpaste.

“Thanks.” Even if it was a pointless, the simple word needed to be said.

“Don’t mention it. Now try to go to sleep. I’m not going anywhere. And if you still need to cry, that’s okay too.” His arm tightened around my waist.

But my tears had dried. The urge to cry hadn’t rushed over me since Zach pulled me close. As long as he was there, I didn’t need to anymore. I turned in his arms to face him.

“I’m done crying,” I said with defiance.

“Good. Because I meant it when I said I hate seeing you cry. Makes me feel helpless, and I don’t like to be helpless.”

“You’re not,” I said, wiping away the last remains of tears from my cheeks.

“I felt like I was all day,” he said. “I wanted to make the tears stop. I wanted to take your pain away. Seeing you upset made me sick. I’m sorry you had to go through that.” His fingers moved across my forehead, tucking away the hair covering my face.

“I had you to go through it with. You made it better in a way that only you could have.” He didn’t respond with words. He kissed the top of my head and held me.

He could have made a move on me, taken total advantage of the situation. I was vulnerable. I wouldn’t have pushed him away or tried to stop him.

But he didn’t. He wouldn’t, because he was Zach. And whether I wanted to admit it or not, he cared about me. Just as I cared about him.

I awoke to Zach’s phone playing a horrendous noise that could only be from one of his video games. His arm still draped over me. He hadn’t let me go once through the whole night and I didn’t have one nightmare.

“Zach,” I said turning to get his attention when suddenly I felt something poke me in the back. “Oh my God!” I jumped from the bed. “Zach! What the hell!”

“What?” he asked in a sleepy and, I’m ashamed to admit, very sexy state.

I directed my eyes down.

“What?” he looked down at his boxer shorts then back at me, a cocky smile settling on his face. “It’s morning wood. It happens.”

“Ugh!” I rolled my eyes and stomped over to his phone and threw it at his head. His reflexes were good for someone who had just woken up and he caught it before it hit. “Your phone was ringing.”

He took the phone in his hand and scrolled to the missed calls. It was probably Tanya. Where had that come from? It was probably his mom.

“It was your parents. They left a message.” He held the phone to his ear.

“Why do they keep calling you and not me?” I asked but he ignored me as he listened intently.

He continued to listen as I paced back and forth. I hated that I couldn’t hear my parents’ voices on the other end and I really hated that every time I asked him what they were saying he waved his hand at me to shut up. Mom used to do that to me when I was a kid, and it drove me crazy. But this time it was worse because I knew what they were saying was important, and I just wanted to know what it was. I tried to ask again but I got another wave of the hand.

Finally, he hung up and dropped the phone on the nightstand.

“So?” I threw my hands up, waiting for his response.

“They got a flight. They’re boarding in fifteen minutes. They’ll be landing here by noon.”

“Do we need to pick them up?” I asked, happy I would finally get to see them, but not thrilled it would take longer to get back to Josh.

“They’re renting a car when they land. And they have been calling you. They said it keeps going to voicemail.”

“What do you mean it keeps going to voicemail?” I reached into my purse and searched for my cell phone. It had a tendency to slip to the bottom. When I couldn’t find it there, I dumped the contents out on the floor.

“Where is it? It has to be here somewhere.” I could feel my patience waning. Zach must have heard it in my voice because he slid to the edge of the bed.

“When was the last time you had it?”

“Stay away from me with that thing,” I said, moving farther away from him.

“Really? Are you five? Like I said, it happens—get over it.”

“Whatever.” I didn’t mean to be such a bitch, but my cell phone was my link to the outside world. Who else had been trying to call me? Sadie? Prof. Mulligan? Joe? I didn’t call anybody when I found out. Zach was the only person other than my parents who knew where I was.

Sadie must have been freaking out. I didn’t even leave a note. And Joe must have been wondering where I was and if I was okay. I hadn’t even thought to call him. He had to be worried.

But even when I did find my phone, I was a bit nervous to talk to him. I’d just shared a bed with another guy. Not like anything happened, but still. I had looked for comfort from another guy—not him, my boyfriend.

I didn’t have time to think about it right now though. I would worry about it later. I had a bigger problem on hand—where the hell was my cell phone?

I picked up my planner and threw it behind me, followed by my makeup bag and sunglasses. I was about to toss my keys when Zach grabbed my hand.

“Calm down for two seconds and think. When was the last time you remember having it?”

“I don’t know.” I tried to pull my hand out of his grip, but I was no match for his strength.

“Think,” he said calmly. His tone helped me focus. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and searched my brain.

“I had it at school and when I got home,” I recalled.

“Okay, and after that?”

“I started watching TV and that’s when I saw the news. I panicked, grabbed my phone and dialed Josh’s number. When he didn’t answer I dropped the phone.”

“Did you pick it back up?” he asked.

“No.” I closed my eyes, remembering the moment my phone fell. “No, I didn’t. It’s in a bowl of milk on my coffee table.”

“Good place for it,” Zach said.

“Tell me about it.”

“Well, we can’t cry over spilt milk, now can we?” I shook my head at his poor attempt at humor.

“You’re an ass.” I pushed his shoulder, and our eyes caught. Suddenly it was as if the hotel room didn’t exist and we had been transported two years back in time to my bedroom.

His hair was different now and he was no longer that lanky, slightly awkward boy, but his eyes still held that same dark intensity. What I wouldn’t give for us to actually go back in time. Things were simpler then. Less complicated.

His eyes, filled with familiar desire, willed me towards him. His hand reached for my face, cupping my cheek as I moved closer. As my eyes began to close, I felt Zach’s hand holding me in place instead of guiding me to him.

“We should really get going,” he said, hanging his head down so when I opened my eyes I was looking at nothing but hair. It took a second for the words to sink in. To understand the ultimate burn he just bestowed upon me.

“Of course we should.” I jumped away, mortified, and not only because I obviously still wanted him, but because he obviously didn’t still want me.

He was the one that stopped calling. He was the one who hadn’t wanted to be with me. What made me think time would change anything? I was still the girl getting burned by the guy who never loved me as much I loved him.

“Lizzie,” Zach called out as I grabbed my clothes and walked away. “Where are you going?”

“Shower,” I said as I barreled into the bathroom and slammed the door.

I fought the tears. I hated that after everything that had happened, this guy still had the power to make me cry. You would think I would be able to accept it. Come to terms with it. But Zach had a direct connection to my heart and because of that, he was not only able to heal it, but destroy it. Time and time again.

The hot water steamed up the bathroom, coating the mirror. I shed my pajamas and stepped in, hoping to wash away the misery, the last twenty-four hours, and possibly even the year Zach and I had been together.

As the soap suds slid down my body to the drain, it was obvious that no matter how hard I scrubbed, I couldn’t wash away the memories. They were a part of me.

The porcelain was cold against my back as I leaned against the wall when my legs became too weak to hold me. And just when I thought I couldn’t possibly shed another tear, I started sobbing again.

I heard the knock on the door, but I was too consumed with the whirlwind of conflicting emotions.

“Lizzie, are you okay in there?” I ignored Zach’s words. I couldn’t face him. Not yet at least. I needed time to pull myself together—to show him that his rejection didn’t shatter me completely.

I couldn’t let him see how much his actions had affected me. How desperately I wanted to feel his lips on mine.

Thirty minutes later I finally emerged from the bathroom. My hair was up in a ponytail, I had on minimal makeup, and I was ready get out of that hotel room.

“It’s all yours,” I said, walking past Zach, ignoring the fact he was trying to stop me.

“Can we talk?” he called after me, but I was already out the door.

I didn’t know where I was going. It’s not like I knew the area. At night it had been sketchy-looking, but in the daylight it was just like any other hotel on a main strip of highway. I walked around to the main lobby and found a vending machine. The least I could do was bring back something to eat. If anything, it would show I wasn’t mad, and I was being mature about the whole thing.

I reached in my pocket and pulled out four singles as I scanned the contents behind the glass. After mulling over my options, I settled on two coffee cakes, a granola bar and a bottle of water we’d have to share.

Back in the room Zach was in the shower. I flipped on the TV and sat against the headboard. When he finally opened the door, I didn’t look at him, though from the corner of my eye I could see he wasn’t wearing a shirt. It made me think of the previous night, when I laid pressed against his chest.

“I got you a coffee cake and granola bar.” I threw the granola bar at him, still not letting my eyes settle on his.

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“Liz, I think we need—”

“Visiting hours are in a few minutes. We really should get going. I’ll go turn in the key and pay. I’ll meet you at the Jeep.” I walked out before he could say another word. The last thing I wanted to hear was a long explanation of why he didn’t want to be with me. I didn’t want his pity.

To my surprise, Zach had already paid for the room at check in. I turned in the key and stood against the Jeep, wondering if Josh would be drugged up again today, and if Mom would fall apart when she saw him.

At least my parents’ arrival would be a nice distraction. It would overshadow anything I felt for Zach, and maybe even help him forget about my momentary lapse in judgment. It was a mistake, and I just needed him to realize that.

So I avoided conversation. When he finally got in the Jeep I declared every song on the radio my favorite and continued to increase the volume with each one. When we got to the hospital, I walked ten steps ahead.

The elevator was the hardest. He kept trying to talk, and with no radio to turn up and no way of putting distance between us, I had to be creative. I started babbling.

“Did you know those mirrors are cameras?” I pointed to the mirror above us. “I wonder what they catch people doing in here. I can only imagine. I’m sure they pick their noses, their wedgies and God only knows what else.”

“People making out,” Zach said and I felt the conversation shifting back to the scene in the hotel.

I needed to think fast. Babbling was no longer cutting it. We still had two floors to go. A lot could happen in two floors.

I bent down to tie my shoe so he wouldn’t look me in the eye or move closer. When I stood up, I should have known he would be right there, invading my personal space. He rested his hand under my chin, but I refused to look him in the eye. The last time I did, it was a total disaster.

“Lizzie.”

The elevator stopped, the doors opened, and for once life wasn’t working against me. A group of people stood waiting to get on. I jumped away from Zach and basically ran out of the elevator.

The people created a barrier and gave me enough time to put a few feet of distance between us. Once we got to Josh’s room, Zach couldn’t talk to me. He wouldn’t dare say anything in front of Josh. I hoped.

Josh’s curtain came into view and I picked up the pace. Zach’s hand closed around mine, but before he could pull me towards him I stepped around the curtain.

“Josh,” I said loud enough so Zach would hear me and know it was too late. My hand dropped to my side as Zach let it go.

“Hey guys,” Josh said, and I was grateful he was coherent. “What are you still doing here?”

“What do you mean what are we still doing here?” I asked annoyed he would even ask such a stupid question.

“I thought you would have gone home by now,” Josh said.

“Like you would if the situation was reversed?” Zach said the same words I was thinking.

Josh nodded. “Good point.”

“So, how they treating you here? Still harassing the nurses?” Zach asked.

“You know it.”

“Mom and Dad will be here this afternoon. They got a flight out,” I said, bypassing the playful banter and getting right down to the important stuff.

“I know. They called me.”

“How’d they call you?” I asked.

“They called the hospital and asked to talk to me. I have a phone right there.” He pointed behind him to the phone sitting on a table. “Mom was crying, of course.”

“Of course,” I said with a smile. Mom had always been emotional. Maybe that’s where I got it from.

I sat on the edge of Josh’s bed, across the room from the chair Zach was sitting in. I avoided eye contact.

“I’m going to get a drink. You guys want anything?” Zach asked.

“Nope, I’m good,” I turned my head quickly away from him after I answered.

“They’ll be bringing me some shitty lunch soon,” Josh said. “Don’t want to ruin my appetite.”

“I’ll be right back then.” I watched Zach disappear behind the curtain, then turned back to Josh.

“So how are you feeling?”

“Why don’t you stop trying to hide behind inane conversation and tell me what the hell is going on between you two,” Josh said.

He’d taken me by surprise. How did he know there was anything going on between Zach and me? “I’m not,” I said.

“Bullshit. Number one, your lip just twitched.”

Stupid lip.

“And number two, the tension between you two right now is so freaking heavy, I feel like I’m suffocating. So out with it, or I’m going to ask Zach in front of you.” My brother drove a hard bargain, but he knew how to get me to talk.

“You want the truth?” I asked.

“That’s a good start.”

“I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. The past twenty-four hours have been hell, but he’s been there every second, and I want to hate him for the past, but he makes it so damn hard and . . .” My voice cracked and my words faltered as the pain of rejection settled back in.

“It’s okay,” Josh said.

“Is it? Because I’m not sure it is. And should I even be thinking about anything that has to do with me and him when you’re here in a hospital bed?” Tears leaked out and I let them. I wanted to stay brave for Josh but I realized I didn’t have to. Even if he was the one who had been shot, he was still my stronger, older brother and I was still his weaker, younger sister.

“It’s okay. You know, I believe that everything happens for a reason.”

“So you think there’s a reason for you getting shot?” I asked, thinking it was absurd.

“I do, and maybe it has to do with me or maybe it has to do with you and Zach. Who knows? Only time will tell,” he said, and if he didn’t have so many wires hooked to him and if he wasn’t still slightly drugged, I could tell he would have shrugged.

“I really hope you didn’t get shot for me and Zach.”

“That would kind of suck, but I’d be happy to take one for the team if it means you two working out whatever has been between you since he moved away.”

Zach returned just as Josh finished speaking, and I felt the tension between us lessening. I stopped trying to avoid eye contact and conversation—it was pointless.

“So Zach, you didn’t try to make a move on my sister in that hotel room did you? Because even with a bullet hole in me I could still kick your ass.” I almost smacked Josh upside the head but I resisted. Josh liked to push buttons, and after all he’d been through, I’d let him, at least for now.

“Nope. Couldn’t if I wanted to. She has a boyfriend after all.” Zach looked directly at me as he spoke. As if he was trying to communicate with me telepathically.

“Josh, sweetie! We’re here!” Mom’s voice was shrill as she rushed into the room, taking my brother into her arms as if he was still her baby boy. “I’m never going on vacation ever again. I will never leave you again. Or you Liz,” she said as she engulfed me in her embrace.

“How you feeling, son?” Dad asked after Mom had recovered herself slightly.

“Like I was shot,” Josh responded.

When Mom’s arms released me, I was taken back into an embrace by Dad.

There was a lot of hugging and a lot of crying.

I turned to find a calming face in the chaos, but I couldn’t find Zach.

He was gone.

“I’ll be right back,” I said, then bolted for the exit.

I searched the waiting room, the vending machine area, and the cafeteria.

As I pushed forward through the revolving door, I thought of what Zach had said in response to Josh’s question: “Couldn’t if I wanted to. She has a boyfriend after all.”

He didn’t not want to kiss me. He didn’t want to kiss another guy’s girlfriend. It had nothing to do with me. How stupid could I be?

I needed to find him. We needed to talk.

The parking lot came into view and I made myself move faster. I remembered Zach parking on the left side of the building in section G. So I moved quickly until the large white G on the pole was above me. But when I got there the Jeep was gone.

Zach was gone.

Chapter 21

Zach was gone. I thought about calling him, but I didn’t have my cell phone or his number. I could have asked Josh , but the truth was that as much as I wanted to talk to him, I had no idea what I would say.

He had been right again. I had a boyfriend. How could I forget? I wasn’t that type of girl. Okay, maybe I was a tiny bit, since I did kiss Zach in the parking lot the night of the party, but I was pretending that never happened.

Instead of calling Zach, I borrowed my dad’s cell and called Joe. I was sure he’d be worried about me. The shooting was all over the news. He had to have called me a million times to make sure Josh was okay.

But when I called him, it went straight to voicemail. I left a message and Dad’s cell number so he could call me back, and then I called Sadie.

“Oh my God, Liz! I’ve been trying to reach you! Why didn’t you answer your phone? You didn’t leave a note either. And there was a shooting at Josh’s school. Is that why you didn’t come home?” Sadie babbled on. I tried to stop her, but every time I went to say something she continued. “Is Josh okay? Did he get shot? Oh my God, he’s not dead right?”

“Sadie!” I finally yelled. “He’s fine. He got shot in the leg but he’s okay. He was lucky. Really lucky.”

“Holy shit, Liz. Where are you?” she asked.

“I’m at the hospital. I’ve been here since last night.”

“Why didn’t you call me? Wait for me to get home? I could have driven you. Are you crazy for driving by yourself?”

“I wasn’t by myself,” I said hesitantly.

“You weren’t? Did Professor Mulligan go with you?”

“No.”

“Then who?” she asked.

“Zach,” I said, taking my volume down several notches.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” I didn’t have to explain anything to Sadie. That’s why she was my best friend. She could read between the lines even if I didn’t give her lines to work with.

“Did anything happen?” she asked, and I went into the whole story, from the moment he showed up on my doorstep to the moment I discovered his missing Jeep.

“So what are you going to do?” she asked when I finished filling her in.

“What can I do? I’m with Joe now, and I’m happy. I can’t just let him go because my past came back.”

Sadie was silent, and I didn’t need to see her to know she had an opinion she was trying to keep to herself.

“What is it, Sades? And don’t tell me nothing, because I know you’ll be lying.”

“Look, Liz, I love you and I want to see you happy, but Joe’s not always as great as you think he is. I feel like you’re just scared to get your heart broken again, so you let him walk all over you.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“Is it? You know what—don’t answer that. Think about it. We’ll talk when you get home. Tell Josh I said hi and to feel better.”

“Okay, I will.”

We hung up and I stood in the waiting room, thinking about what she’d said, trying to find the truth in her words. Eventually I gave up and went back to Josh’s room.

“Great news, sweetie,” Mom said as I entered. “They’re moving Josh out of ICU and into a regular room within the hour.”

“That’s awesome,” I said.

“Josh wants Chinese, so I’m going to pick it up. You want to come?” Dad asked.

“Sure,” I would do anything to get away from the hospital for a little bit. “What’s wrong with the food they gave you?”

“They’re trying to kill me, that’s what,” Josh said, and I cringed at the word “kill.” “It’s disgusting.” He lifted his fork and let what I assumed was gravy drip down in globs to the plate below.

“On that note, let’s get going,” Dad said. I followed him out of the room.

He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close to him. “You did good.”

“What do you mean?”

“Handling everything. Your mother and I weren’t here, but you took care of things anyways. You’re all grown up. You had everything under control. We’re proud of you,” he said, and I felt guilty because it was a lie. I hadn’t really handled anything. I wasn’t grown up. I was still a little girl, who covered it up with college classes and an apartment.

“Thanks Dad, but honestly it was mainly Zach.” I couldn’t lie to Dad. I had to tell him—if not for the honesty, for the fatherly support I needed so badly in that moment. “If it wasn’t for him, I’d probably still be sitting on the couch at home staring at the TV with milk dripping down my face.” He laughed.

“I’m sure he got you off the couch, but after that it was all you. You didn’t have to come here and face reality, but you did. And you did that on your own. As for Zach . . . where did he go anyway? I wanted to thank him for everything.”

“It was just time for him to go home.”

I hadn’t realized how hungry I was until I smelled the aromas of chicken and broccoli and fried rice. As soon as we got to Josh’s new room and Dad opened the bag, my stomach growled in response.

He handed out containers to everyone, and we all gathered around Josh’s bed and listened to the story of what he went through that day in the hallway of the science building.

I had been avoiding the topic. I didn’t want to know what he went through or what he felt. The thought of it alone terrified me—I didn’t need the actual details. But with my parents on either side, I felt like I was finally ready to hear it, and Josh was ready to tell it.

The last time I saw Josh cry was when he was eight and he fell off his bike. That day in the hospital room I saw him cry again for the first time in over a decade.

He talked about the girl who died beside him as he tried to keep her conscious with words of hope. He cried when he spoke of her last breath, and how she would never see her mom again. I wondered if the lady who collapsed in the hospital was her mother. It made my tumultuous last twenty-four hours seem petty.

Tears stained his cheeks. Mom took his hand in hers as Dad and I listened to every word. I learned that day crying doesn’t show weakness. There is no weakness in emotion. There’s love and hurt and regret, but not weakness.

“Anyway.” Josh wiped at his eyes. “I’m ready to put this behind me and move forward. I think I might come home for a little bit. I don’t think I could go back to that campus.”

“And you don’t have to,” Mom said. “Your bedroom is always waiting for you.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“I think this calls for fortune cookies,” Dad said and tossed one to each of us.

I popped the plastic open and took out the yellow cookie and cracked it in two.

I listened as everyone read their fortune, but I couldn’t take my eyes off of mine.

“Liz, what does yours say?” my mom asked.

I looked up, meeting her eyes, then looked back down at the small strip of paper in my hand and read.

“May the dreams of your past be the reality of your future.”

Chapter 22

Josh was shot Monday afternoon. He went home Thursday night with an appointment for a follow-up and a scheduled time with a physical therapist. They pushed him out in a wheelchair and handed him crutches. And just like that, life started to go back to normal.

Mom fussed over Josh on every step from the hospital to the car and then from the car to the couch, which would be his bed for the next couple of weeks until he was capable of getting up the stairs.

I stayed at my parents’ the first night, not wanting to let Josh out of my sight just yet. Then it would be back to my life. I’d already missed so much school.

When I woke up tomorrow I would have to go to class and face Zach. I couldn’t sleep.

I wandered into the kitchen and looked into the cabinet farthest from the fridge. All of my baking supplies were still there. Mom never threw them out. Maybe she had hope that one day I would get over whatever held me back. Or maybe she just forgot they were there.

Not only did I bake when I was upset—I also baked when I was confused, when I was happy, when I just wanted a chocolate chip cookie. And as my hand ran across the packages of flour and brown sugar, I got the urge to bake again.

I reached for the mixing bowl Mom had gotten me for my fourteenth birthday and started adding the ingredients for chocolate chip cookies. A smile began to form as I cracked the first egg, and it only continued to grow with each ingredient I added to the mix.

By the time the second batch went in the oven, the kitchen was filled with my favorite scent and Josh appeared in the doorway.

“Do you know what time it is?” He rubbed his eyes while leaning on his crutches.

“Couldn’t sleep. What about you? Why are you up?” I asked as I scooped dough out of a bowl and placed it on a cookie sheet.

“It’s kind of hard to sleep through that smell,” he said, moving into the kitchen.

“Then grab a stool. I’ll get you a plate.” I put the last dough ball on the sheet and walked over to the cabinet.

“And some milk?” Josh said.

I looked over at him, eyebrow cocked. “Now you’re pushing it.”

“What? I was shot,” he said, pointing to his leg.

“How long are you going to use that?”

“As long as I can,” he said with a smile.

I was relieved to see him smile. After seeing him cry, I wasn’t sure if what happened to him would change him forever, especially since I heard stories on the news about soldiers who came home from war suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Josh might not have gone overseas, but it didn’t mean that day in the hallway wasn’t a war zone.

“So did you talk to Zach?” My brother was never one to beat around the bush.

“No,” I said and turned to get him a glass of milk.

“Why not?”

“Honestly.” I placed the glass on the counter. “I don’t know what to say. I’m so confused. And like Zach said, I have a boyfriend.”

“Who’s an ass,” Josh kindly pointed out.

“One person’s opinion,” I said, taking out the second batch of cookies and placing the third in the oven.

“The most important opinion,” he said.

“What am I supposed to do, Josh? Break up with Joe? Go back to Zach? I can’t do that.”

“Because you’re scared.”

“Yeah. I am.” I sat down on the stool across from Josh, a plate of cookies between us, just like old times.

Josh took a bite of a cookie, clearly thinking about what to say as he chewed.

“Remember when you found out Zach and I still talked?” he finally asked.

“Yeah,” I said eyes narrowing in on him.

“Remember when you asked if he asked about you?”

I had no idea what he was getting at but I sensed there was a point to the conversation. Josh didn’t talk to just talk.

“Yeah.” My eyebrow rose.

“I lied when I said he didn’t.”

I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. My brother had lied to me when I was at my lowest point.

“Why would you do that?” I asked, my voice rising.

“I didn’t want to get involved any more than I already was.” He took another cookie and instead of taking a bite, he shoved the whole thing in his mouth.

“Than you were? What does that mean Josh?” I felt the anger burning inside of me. For so long I had wanted answers, and Josh was hinting that he’d had them all along.

“Look, Liz, you’re my sister, and I love you.”

“And?”

“Zach used to email me and ask how you were holding up. He said you would tell him you were fine, but he didn’t think you were. So he’d ask me.”

“And what did you tell him, Josh?” I braced my hands on the counter to emphasize my anger, but to also keep from falling. All the blood drained from my head and I suddenly felt weak.

“I told him that you told me, Mom, and Dad the same thing, but regardless of what you said to us, it was obvious you were sad.”

My eyes twitched with frustration.

“You were. You can stare daggers at me all you want but it doesn’t change the truth. When Zach left you, you were miserable. You moped around. You spent your nights sitting by the phone waiting for him to call. You cancelled plans with Sadie, so you wouldn’t miss his call.”

“So?”

“Liz, come on. Let’s be real here. You were wasting your life. It’s not like I told Zach to break up with you. I just let him know what I noticed. He said he loved you and the last thing he wanted was to break up with you.”

“For months you watched me cry my eyes out, and you didn’t think it was important to share this information? You could have saved me from the torture I put myself through,” I said, tears stinging at my eyes again.

“I didn’t say anything because you needed to get over him on your own. If I had told you this back then, what would you have done?” He stared at me, waiting for an answer. I didn’t give him one. “You would have called Zach and told him I was lying and it wasn’t true, and you would have roped the both of you back into a relationship that at that point in time was pointless. You were kids. You had no way of seeing each other. It was the best thing.”

“I’m glad you thought so,” I snapped.

“Liz, if Zach had never moved back, would this even be an issue?”

Would it? It was a reasonable question. It was the answer I didn’t like. Because no, it wouldn’t have been an issue. I had been over Zach, and if I hadn’t seen him again those old feelings may never have surfaced. As much as I wanted to hate Josh for lying to me, I couldn’t. Whether I wanted to believe it or not, he had done the right thing. He’d been protecting me.

“It wouldn’t be,” Josh said. “But Liz, he is back. And it’s up to you if you want to give him a second chance.” Josh took another cookie from the plate. “I’m gonna go to bed. Thanks for the cookies. I’ve missed them.”

“And I’ve missed our talks,” I said with a smile, so he knew I wasn’t going to hold this new revelation against him. “’Night.”

Five batches later, I could barely keep my eyes open. I went to sleep thinking about everything Josh told me and everything that happened over the past year, especially the past two months. By the time I woke up, I still had no clue what I wanted.

I moved in slow motion as I got ready. I hadn’t talked to Joe since Monday at school and with everything I felt about Zach, I didn’t know how to proceed. Zach was another problem. What would I say to him? How would I act?

I had no idea.

I called Joe again but he was nowhere to be found. It was bad enough he never called me back, especially knowing my brother could have been in danger, but not making any attempt at all to find me? That was inexcusable.

I walked down the hallway of the English building to class, hoping Zach would be there, but not knowing what I would say if he was.

Too busy scanning the faces around me for Zach, I didn’t notice the one right in front of me until I almost took her down.

“Whoa.” Tanya said, holding her hands up.

“I’m sorry, Tanya. I wasn’t paying attention.” Seeing her was like a smack to the face. I was jealous of her. She was beautiful and confident. She wasn’t scared to hold back her feelings. She liked Zach and she let him know it.

I forced a smile and went to walk past her when she stopped me with a hand on my arm. “He loves you.”

I froze at her words. She must have noticed my confusion.

“Zach.”

My mouth opened, but no words came out. Where was this coming from?

“I always kind of knew it, but I really liked him, and I thought if I could just get his attention off of you for a second, he would notice me.”

I forced my wide eyes back to normal and took a calming breath. “Did he say something?”

“He didn’t have to. You didn’t see his face when he punched Joe. I did. And when you chose Joe over him you might as well have reached your hands into his chest and pulled out his heart.”

I didn’t choose Joe over him. He punched him in the face. It was irrational and totally uncalled for. I was taking care of the injured. I wasn’t aware there were lines drawn by my actions.

“It’s easy to lie and hide behind words, but you can’t hide a gut reaction, and right then I knew I couldn’t compete with you. And I didn’t want to. I want a guy who will look at me the way Zach looks at you. It can’t be something forced or learned. It has to be as natural as a heartbeat.”

“I’m sorry,” I said again, because I didn’t mean for Zach to be hung up on me. I didn’t want to admit the nagging feeling of happiness that he hadn’t noticed her lingering in the back of my mind.

“Don’t be. I know my Zach is out there. I just have to find him. Besides, I refuse to be sloppy seconds. I’m better than that. And so are you, Liz,” she said, looking up at me.

“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked, completely confused by her statement.

“Let’s just say, Joe isn’t who you think he is.”

“Excuse me?”

I knew he wasn’t perfect. But who was?

“Look. Liz, I like you. I always have, regardless of Zach, and I don’t want to see you get hurt, but if you stay with Joe . . . you will.”

I looked at her, unaware of what she was trying to tell me. It wasn’t making sense. There were gaps in all of her statements, and I didn’t have the pieces to put the puzzle together.

“If you want more answers, go to Charlie. I’m sure she can tell you what I can’t.”

Then she walked away. Just like that. Just walked away. How do you drop a bomb like that and walk away? And what could Charlie possibly tell me about my boyfriend that I didn’t already know?

Charlie was part of the band though. She was at all the gigs. She would be the one witnessing the girls throwing themselves at Joe. Maybe he had groupies. Oh God. Was he cheating on me with a groupie?

My stomach clenched as if the wind had been knocked out of me. Hadn’t I gone through enough already? Did I really need to have this thrown at me too?

I shook the thoughts from my mind and went to class. Zach never showed. The professor talked, but I didn’t hear a word he said.

The rest of the morning I went through the motions like a puppet in a show.

All my classes bled together. My mind kept drifting to the clusterfuck that was my life.

By the time classes were over for the day, I couldn’t go home. I needed to find Charlie and figure out what the hell Tanya was talking about.

I headed for the tattoo parlor where she worked.

“Hey Charlie,” I said as I approached the desk. The place was empty. Guess four p.m. on a Monday wasn’t prime time to get a tattoo. Though, as I got closer to the counter, I heard the buzz of a work in progress.

“Oh. Hi. Hey, Liz. What’s going on?” She tugged at her ear, then fidgeted with her hands before putting them in the pocket of her hoodie. Her eyes looked everywhere but at me.

“That’s what I wanted to ask you,” I said.

“Oh, really? Ha.”

Why was she laughing?

“Is there something you want to tell me about Joe?” I asked, and braced myself. But no matter how much I prepared, I never expected the confession that came next.

“I’m so sorry, Liz. I didn’t mean for it to happen.” Tears filled her eyes. She looked away.

“Excuse me?” I asked, trying to get her to focus.

“He kept telling me you guys were on the rocks, that he was going to break up with you.”

WHAT? She was still talking, but I was still trying to wrap my mind around her words. The ground spun and the lights were suddenly blinding. I leaned my body against a wall covered in tattoo art to prop myself up.

“So I thought it was okay, but then he never did. And I like him so much. I might even love him.” She pushed her bright red highlights off her face.

It took everything I had not to punch her. Though, could I really get that angry at her? Joe was charming, but for the first time I realized he was charming in a sleazy way. Not a Zach way.

Everything stopped spinning. The lights dimmed. And my mind suddenly became clear.

“You can have him,” I said and walked out the door.

I felt liberated. Exhilarated.

Josh was right. Joe was an ass. All this time I had been with him, and he had been messing around with Charlie’s mind. The poor girl thought she loved him.

I was done. If he thought it was okay to flirt with another girl to the point that he had her convinced that his girlfriend didn’t matter, he wasn’t worth my time.

And as much as I wanted to pull a Zach and disappear instead of dealing with the mess I was in. I had no choice. I needed to find Joe.

* * *

Trax was crowded. Purge was set to play, and for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why people purposely put themselves through the torture.

At the door I saw signs for five dollar beer buckets. That made more sense. People weren’t there to see Purge. They were there to get drunk, and cheaply.

I pushed through the crowd and spotted Sadie and Matt, arms wrapped around each other. About time. I didn’t want to interrupt them—they looked so happy, lost in their own world. I went to sneak around them, but Matt noticed me.

“Rough day, Liz?” Matt asked as I approached. He genuinely looked concerned. He was one of the good ones. Maybe that’s why he and Zach were friends.

“You could say that.” I ran my fingers through my hair and let out a puff of air, then filled them in on everything that transpired throughout the day.

“He’s a jerk, Liz. I’m just glad you’re finally realizing that,” Sadie said.

“I would never play mind games with a girl, especially if I was with another one. That’s just wrong,” Matt said, and I couldn’t help laughing. He had “innocent” written all over his face. If I looked hard enough I was sure I’d find the word in his freckles. Of course he would never do anything like that. He didn’t have it in him.

But it made me wonder. Was I just as bad?

“Um . . . Liz,” Sadie pointed behind me, but before I could turn around, Joe’s arm wrapped around my shoulders.

“I missed you, babe.” Joe kissed me on the cheek.

He’d never called me. Not even once to see how I was doing or how my brother was.

All he cared about was himself. And I was sick and tired of feeding his ever-growing ego. I was done and I wasn’t afraid for the whole bar to know.

Just as he was about to take me in his arms, I shoved at his chest.

“What the hell, babe?”

“First off—hi. How are you? My brother’s not dead. Thanks for asking. Oh, and by the way, I talked to Charlie.” Forget about the fact he didn’t call me. I didn’t need that explanation. I already knew it was because he was too self-absorbed to care about anybody other than himself.

He fumbled with his hands. “Oh. You did?”

“Yeah, I did.” I let my voice rise with each word.

“Look,” he said, almost in a whisper. “Maybe we should talk about this later.”

“No, I don’t think so. Now is fine for me.”

“It was just that one time. I was drunk. It didn’t even mean anything to me,” he said, sticking his hands in his pockets.

I gaped at him, too stunned to form words. He’d slept with her. He’d freakin’ slept with her! I was such a fool.

“Honest, it didn’t. I love you, babe. You know that.”

I held my hand up to stop the bullshit coming out of his mouth. He’d taken advantage of me. Used me as a doormat. And I had let him. But not anymore.

“No, Joe. You don’t love me. My brother could have died. And not only did you not call me once, but you fucked somebody else. I can’t believe I was almost dumb enough to lose my virginity to you.” I shook my head and bit my lip as the disbelief rushed through me. “You don’t do that to the person you love.”

“But—”

“No buts. We’re over.”

“But babe—”

“Don’t—” I held my finger inches from his nose, “call me ‘babe’!” I lowered my hand back to my side. “Goodbye, Joe,” I said and began to walk away. Then I stopped, turned around, noticed every pair of eyes in the crowded bar staring at me and said, “Oh, and another thing. Your band sucks!”

Applause erupted around me. Sadie jumped up and whistled. I flashed her a smile and a nod and made my exit.

I was through being a doormat. I was through being in a relationship where I kept a part of me closed off because I was too scared to be hurt again.

I thought about going straight to Zach’s, but I was still processing everything. I needed time to myself. Time to figure out what exactly it was I wanted. Did I really want to jump from one relationship to another?

Back at the apartment I eased the door open and tossed my bag on the couch. Since all my friends (and ex-friends) were at Trax, I had nowhere to go. It was another pajama night.

I walked into my bedroom and froze.

Bent over my desk, pen in hand, scribbling on a piece of paper was the one person I wasn’t ready to talk to.

Chapter 23

“What are you doing here?” I asked, and the muscles in his back tensed. His shoulders rose, and I could tell he was taking a deep breath. Slowly, he turned to me.

The Easy Bake Oven sat behind him on my desk, a white piece of paper dangling from his hand.

“Sadie gave me a spare key.” He shoved his hand into his pocket, trying to push the paper with it, but the edges stuck out.

I pointed to the paper. “What is that?”

“Uh. Nothing.” He attempted to push the paper down further, but for once in my life I was quicker than him. I grabbed the edge and pulled.

He didn’t try to stop me. Maybe he wanted me to see it.

I unfolded it and read the words.

Lizzie,

It’s been a long time since I last saw your smile. Not just any smile—the smile that lights up your entire face, the one that’s so contagious everyone around can’t help but smile with you. I got to see that smile again when we spent that night in a crappy hotel room baking cookies in an Easy Bake Oven. So it only seemed right for you to keep it. I hope it will keep you smiling because you not smiling is the second thing I hate most in this world.

-Zach

Tears filled my eyes, but I was sick of crying. I forced them back, but not before one slipped down my cheek.

We both moved at the same time. My arms circled around his neck, his spicy, warm scent surrounding me. His hands rested on my cheeks, his thumb wiping away the fallen tear. Goose bumps sprinkled my neck as his hand ran along my jaw line, before he pulled away. “What about Joe?”

“It’s over.” As the words rolled off my tongue, his arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me into him. In one quick motion, his lips captured mine.

It was everything I remembered and more. A year of loss and regret flowed through us. Desperation to make up for the time wasted surged through my fingers as I rediscovered the feel of his skin on mine.

We moved together until the back of my knees hit my bed, and with a yank I pulled him down beside me. I took his face in my hands and kissed him harder, trying to express all of my emotions at once.

My legs tangled with his, and then he rolled me under him. Dark eyes that I’d lost myself in so many times stared down at me. Passion burned hot and he brushed my hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear. I closed my eyes and reveled in the warmth that spread through me.

The warmth turned into a raging fire as he kissed a trail down my neck. His hand eased under my shirt and sprawled out on my stomach, rising over my ribs until it cupped my breast. I arched into him, a low moan escaping my lips when his mouth claimed them again.

Cupping my jaw in one hand, he ran the other down my side, resting on the hem of my shirt. I held my arms up and inch by torturous inch he pushed the material of my shirt up my stomach, leaving kisses in its place.

My hands plunged into his silky dark hair, squeezing tight, afraid if I didn’t hold on to something I would float away.

I finally understood what people meant when they said “heaven on earth.” I was there. Nothing could ruin this perfect moment. Nothing.

The shirt came off, landing in a pile of cotton on the floor. Familiar hands spread across my sides, and there were more kisses, until his eyes met mine, lips hovering centimeters away, his breath hot and minty against my skin.

But then the passion turned to something more. Something I knew too well. And I should have welcomed it with open arms, but the pain that came with it prevented me from doing so.

His lips parted and before he could utter the words that would throw my world off its axis, I slid out from under him.

“What’s the matter?” he asked, confusion tugging at his features.

It would be easy to stay. To let him love me as I knew he could. But then what? He broke my heart so badly once before—I didn’t think I could go through that again. Allowing this to continue would be putting me on the edge of the fire and the idea of being scorched again scared the shit out of me.

“I . . . uh . . . I forgot I have somewhere I have to be.” I grabbed my shirt, and when his hand reached for mine, I jumped back, knocking into my desk chair.

“Are you okay?” he asked, standing, and I could see the bulge in his pants. Oh God. It wasn’t morning wood either.

I held my shirt in front of me trying to wrap it around my 34B’s.

“I’m fine. I just have somewhere I have to be.”

“Where?”

I wasn’t prepared for him to question me. I didn’t have an answer. All I knew was if I didn’t get out of there I would make a huge mistake. Repeating history—especially a horrible, depressing history—was not on my agenda today.

His eyes narrowed in on me, pinning me with his gaze until I couldn’t take it anymore. Finally I caved, and gave him the truth.

Tears streamed down my cheeks. “I’m sorry. I just can’t do this again. I just can’t.” I ran out of my room.

“Lizzie, I love you.” The words followed me like a bullet. As soon as I let them hit me, I’d be done for.

I spent so many nights waiting to hear those exact words. But now? Now it was too late. There was too much time in between.

I rushed out of my apartment, one arm in my sleeve, pants unbuttoned, hair a rumpled mess, tears streaming down my face. A crackhead jonesing for her next fix looked better than me.

I didn’t care. All I cared about was putting as much distance as I could between me and those eyes.

Zach loved me. I knew it. But what would happen when his love faded, and he stopped calling? I couldn’t do it again. Wouldn’t.

Loving him was the best thing that ever happened to me. Losing him was the worst.

A year of my life spent crying, spent going over every single detail of our last conversation and trying to figure out where it all went wrong.

Where did it go wrong? I still didn’t completely know. And how could we move forward when the past was still very much a part of us? Standing in our path, reminding me of the misery I endured?

For months I’d denied it, but as I pulled my shirt over my head and wiped the tears from my cheeks, I no longer could.

I’d never stopped loving him.

Chapter 24

I didn’t know where to go or what to do. I couldn’t go back to my place. I was lucky enough Zach didn’t chase after me. Sadie was out with Matt, and the last place I wanted to go was Trax. So I went back to the only place where I never felt alone.

I went home.

Living on my own with my best friend was amazing, but it lacked the comfort of the familiar. I needed to be surrounded by the walls and the things that were always there for me—silent, inanimate objects, witnesses to my life.

When I arrived home that evening, I found Josh in the living room watching TV, his leg propped up on a pillow, a half-eaten bowl of cereal on the table.

“Hey,” I said.

He lowered the volume. “What are you doing here?” When he looked at my face, his expression dropped. I didn’t need a mirror to know I looked like hell.

“Let’s just say you were right. Joe’s an ass, and you will never see him again.”

I didn’t want to go into detail. So I figured I would throw him a bone and when I was ready to talk, we could do it over a batch of cookies.

“Hate to say I told you so.”

“No you don’t. You’re loving every second of it.”

He shook his head. “No. I’m not. I don’t like to see you hurting.”

“I’ll get over it.”

“And what about Zach?”

Just hearing his name sent me into a rush of unexpected tears.

“Liz, come on. Don’t cry. Talk to me. What’s wrong?”

“I love him.”

“Then be with him.”

“It’s not that simple.”

Josh looked up at me, eyebrow cocked. “Why can’t it be?”

“What if . . .” A burn rose in my throat, and my words faltered.

Josh spoke for me. “What if he disappears again? Disappoints you?”

I couldn’t talk, so I nodded.

“I don’t know. I don’t have that answer. But what I do know is that it sucks to lose someone you love. But you’ve got a second chance. Not many people get that.”

Good advice. But coming from Josh, it wasn’t as impactful. He was with a different girl every time I went to see him. And every time he came to see me, he lip-locked with total strangers. His intentions were good, but he didn’t really get it and because he’d never had his heart broken, I didn’t expect him to.

“You’d be crazy not to jump on that,” he said, and if I was not mistaken there was something more than sympathy in his gaze. Regret, maybe.

“And what do you know about love?”

“There are some things you don’t know about me, little sis.”

I turned a curious eye on Josh.

“Who is it?” By the sadness that crept into his eyes, I knew the question should’ve been, who was it? “Kim from high school?”

“No, definitely not Kim.”

“Then who?” I was confused—Josh was the ultimate player. Even back in high school he never had a steady girlfriend, unless he wanted to call the craziness with Kim a relationship. He changed girls more than Sadie rearranged her closet.

He pushed his thumb into the spot between his eyes, as if rubbing would get rid of whatever was going on in his head. “I’m not going to tell you.”

“Fine, then you’re not allowed to have any of my cookies ever again.”

“You’re back to baking?”

I smiled at the thought of cracking eggs and turning a bunch of ingredients into something delicious. “Yeah, I think I am.”

He didn’t even hesitate. “Fine.”

“Wow, it must be pretty scandalous if you’re willing to give up my cookies.”

“Not scandalous. I just really don’t want to talk about it.”

“Maybe one day?” I asked, made even more curious about this undiscovered part of my brother.

“Maybe.”

All those times he’d tried to help me after Zach and I broke up and I told him he didn’t understand. But he did.

“So what are you going to do?”

I looked at my brother, his leg propped on a pillow. I could have lost him. If things were different, our conversation might never have happened. The thought had my already heightened emotions spinning out of control.

I was lucky. My brother was still with me. While so many people were burying their loved ones, I was getting advice from mine.

And while I had a lot to think about, a lot to deal with when I walked out that door, I wasn’t going anywhere.

I kicked my feet up onto the coffee table and smiled. “I’m going to watch TV with my brother.”

* * *

Whoever said you can’t go home again obviously had nothing to go home to. Going home filled me with strength and instilled serenity within me. It gave me what I needed to finally stop hiding.

I still had no idea what I was going to say to Zach, but it didn’t matter. I needed to see him. I needed to hear his voice and maybe then the words would come. Maybe then, everything I had felt for the past few months would turn into words and I would finally be able to stop hiding behind the past.

The past wasn’t what was preventing Zach and me from being together. I was the one preventing it. I was scared to see what had been between us from the minute I spotted him on the football field.

Zach and I always made sense. He knew it. Josh knew it. Sadie knew it. Everyone did. I was the only one trying to pretend we didn’t.

I feared him because he was capable of breaking my heart, but wasn’t that what love was? If a person can’t shatter your heart into a million pieces, then you don’t really love them. Do you?

I thought I loved Joe. I convinced myself I loved Joe, but if I had really loved him, finding out he slept with Charlie would have broken me. It didn’t. It angered me, but more for my own stupidity than anything else.

I never opened myself up to love Joe. He might have used me, but I used him too. I used him to get over Zach. And then when I thought I was over Zach, I still used him. I used him to hide from reality and to avoid facing my biggest fear.

Love. True, heartbreaking love.

I was done hiding. I was ready to take a risk again. I was ready to make the dreams of my past be the reality of my future.

Just not right that minute. After all my crying, I needed to go back to my apartment, shower, and start over with a fresh slate.

Sadie’s car wasn’t in her spot, which meant she was still out with Matt. I pulled into my space and headed inside.

I wondered where Zach was, if he would even talk to me after I had run out on him. If he’d understand. What if he was sick of the drama? I had my one chance and I might have totally blown it.

At the thought of never being with Zach again, my throat tightened and tears pricked my eyes. Again. But I was becoming a pro, and I pushed them back.

I would go to him and if it didn’t work out, it didn’t work out. There would be nothing I could do.

I pushed my key into the lock and stepped inside. My heart nearly leapt out of my chest.

“You’re still here?” I shut the door, let my bag fall to the floor and stepped closer to Zach. Tufts of his dark hair stuck up wildly, reminding me of our earlier encounter.

He shrugged and I hated the defeat in his eyes. “I figured you’d have to come back eventually.”

“I’m sorry,” I blurted out.

“About what?”

“Everything.” I wrapped my arms around myself and started walking away. I got to the middle of the room when I felt his hand rest on my shoulder. For so long I had made myself believe that I hated how my body reacted to him, when in reality, I absolutely loved it.

“No. I’m sorry.” He stepped closer, his chest pressing against my back.

I turned around until I looked into his eyes. “Why you?”

Hurt filled his eyes. “I was the one who stopped calling.”

“It’s in the past,” I said.

“Maybe for you, but not for me. It keeps me up at night. Makes me question my life and how different it would be if I had handled things better.”

He shrugged, and as stupid as it may be, I was happy to know I wasn’t the only one still dwelling on the past. But at the same time I wanted to erase the pain, find a way to make the last year disappear.

“I loved you so much, and I was scared.” He ran his hands through his hair took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, as if he was giving himself time to choose the right words. “We were on different sides of the country. And Josh told me you weren’t handling it well. Our phone calls were great and I looked forward to them. You know I did. But let’s face it—it wasn’t enough.

“I wanted to hold you, touch you, see you, and I know you wanted the same. It broke my heart to know you were hurting. I’ve never felt so helpless. And even though you tried to hide the sadness in your voice, you couldn’t. Not from me. As the weeks went on it only seemed to get worse. I pretended everything was okay because the thought of losing you . . .”

He shook his head and when his eyes met mine again, I felt it. All the pain I endured. The ache that ripped me apart. The longing to go back in time. I thought I was alone, that nobody could understand what I was going through. But even when he wasn’t there, he was, because he felt it too.

“Josh told me you were spending less and less time with your friends, that you’d stopped enjoying the things you loved. That’s what hurt the most. Knowing you were miserable and missing out on your life because you were waiting by the phone. I just wanted you to be happy again. To be the Lizzie I loved. I didn’t want to be responsible for taking that away from you. For changing you.

“It wasn’t fair. For you. For me. For the both of us. But especially you. You deserved the world and I couldn’t give it to you anymore. So I stopped calling. I knew it would hurt you, but in time you would move on. I never expected it to do the one thing I was trying to save you from.”

I looked at him, waiting.

“It changed you.

“That first day I saw you in the hallway—I don’t know what I expected, but I didn’t expect what I got. You were cold and bitter. It was like I never knew you at all.

“My heart always knew, but until that moment I could never convince myself—letting you go was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.” He moved closer, but he’d had his chance to make peace and it was my turn.

“I loved you too. You know? And when you stopped calling you broke my heart. I thought it was me. I thought I wasn’t good enough for you. I thought you had found someone else.”

“Never. No one could ever compare to you. Not even now,” he said.

“Do you mean that?”

He went to say something, then stopped. He ran his hand through his hair as if he was debating to jump all in or play it safe. If he did, I wouldn’t blame him. I hid from us for so long because I knew the pain our relationship could cause. As mind-blowing as it was, it was just as terrifying.

Dark brown eyes looked back down at me. “With all my heart. I never stopped loving you, Lizzie.”

A smile tugged at the corner of my lips and my body moved towards him, but he stepped away.

Concern filled his dark gaze. “What if I hurt you again?”

“You won’t,” I said.

“How do you know for sure? I hurt you once.”

I dropped my eyes to the ground, his words slicing into my gut. “You did.” I fought the urge to succumb to the bitter truth and walk away with my heart intact. But I glanced up and when his eyes met mine, it was clear. “But you’ll hurt me more by staying away.”

For months I thought I couldn’t stand Zach, but the truth was, I couldn’t stand not being with him. Seeing him every day only reminded me of how happy I was when we were together and how miserable I became when we weren’t.

He was the only one who could hurt me, but he was also the only one who could make me happy.

It was a risk, and my heart was on the line. But since the day I spotted the lanky, curly-haired boy on the football field, my heart didn’t only belong to me anymore.

I stepped closer, needing to feel the warmth that spread through my body whenever he touched me. Needing to make up for all the time we lost.

I looked directly into his dark, familiar eyes and said, “Will you kiss me already?”

He moved closer, reaching his hand out to my cheek. His thumb brushed across my skin, shooting chills down my spine. I glided my hands across his strong, broad shoulders, memorizing the familiar yet different feel.

His mouth came down on mine, our connection evident when I parted my lips and our tongues tangled.

I knew Zach and I would have good days and bad days, but right then . . . we were having a good day.

A really, really good day.

And I wanted to remember it forever. I had waited eighteen and a half years for this very moment. So many times it could have happened with Joe, but something had held me back. I knew now that it was because Joe wasn’t the one. He never was. He was a bookmark, holding a place until I was ready to pick up where I left off.

Zach was the one. The only one for me.

I ran my fingers through the silky softness of his hair, pulling him with me as I stepped towards my bedroom. Needing to be as close to him as possible.

My feet swept out from under me, and I was in his arms, pressed against his warm, hard chest, his lips never leaving mine.

He kicked the bedroom door shut behind him. The cool softness of my sheets replaced his arms as he laid me on the bed. Hands travelled down my sides, pulling my shirt up until it was back on the floor.

My hands gripped the bottom of his shirt, and I pulled it up over his head then dropped it to join mine. I ran my hands from his abs to his pecs, taking in how much larger, stronger, harder they were than in the days when we had locked ourselves in my bedroom in high school.

His lips kissed a familiar line down my neck, chest and stomach, then moved back up to kiss in between my breasts. Strong hands lifted me and I snuggled into the crook of his neck as he unfastened my bra. He slid it off one lacy strap at a time, raining kisses along the material.

The first cup fell down and he dipped his head taking my nipple in his mouth. It was something he had done before but everything about it was different now. More intimate.

A moan slipped from my mouth and I arched, pressing against him, needing our bodies to mold together even more closely.

His tongue circled, making a slow dance across my chest and down my stomach. Heat radiated from where his hands rested on my sides, lifting me into him. I plunged my fingers into his hair, tugging him back to me.

Long fingers traced the contour of my face before dragging a slow, mind-numbing line down my neck, the effects streaming all the way down to my toes.

But it wasn’t enough. I thrust my hips forward, running my fingers along the muscled ridges of his back, exploring the new Zach and rediscovering the old.

He kissed my nose, moving his lips down the length of my neck.

My body throbbed and he continued the slow journey down my stomach, stopping just above the button of my jeans. For a moment he stayed there, as if he was afraid I would bolt if he tried to go any further.

“Zach, please,” I whimpered, desperate for his touch. I was finally ready to hand over my v-card to the one person who truly deserved it.

A sense of calm washed over me—I wasn’t running this time. I was staying exactly where I was. I wanted him. Needed him. Needed all of him. For so long I had waited for the perfect moment. But now I realized, it wasn’t about the moment. It was about the person.

I reached down, placing my hand under his chin and urging him to look at me.

“Are you sure?” he asked, his voice gruff with desire.

“I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life.”

He dropped another kiss to my stomach and then unfastened the button.

I waited for the fear to consume me. But as he slid off my jeans, there was no trepidation. I wanted this. Wanted him.

I helped him with his pants then pointed to the drawer of my nightstand. Zach leaned over and opened it, then looked at me curiously.

I couldn’t help laughing. God only knew what was going through his mind at the sight of a rather large collection of condoms. “Sadie always tells me it’s best to be prepared. She gets them for free at school.”

“They must hand them out like lollipops,” he said with a sexy smirk as he positioned himself over me.

He kissed my forehead and then looked deep into my eyes. “Liz, I love you—so much.”

My heart constricted at his words. I hadn’t realized how much I missed hearing them. I skimmed my fingers down the side of his face, following the contour of his jaw. “I love you. Even when I hated you, I loved you.”

“I’m so sorry I put you through what I did. I want to make it up to you. Tell me how I can make it up to you.”

“You already have.” From the minute he popped back into my life, he had been making it up to me. Especially by being there for me through the roughest time of my life. All those nights of crying over him meant nothing when I thought about how he held me in the hospital and made me feel everything would be okay, when everything was so uncertain.

Happy tears slipped out, and Zach wiped them away with his thumb, pulling my face to his. “God, I love you,” he said just as he captured my lips.

He drew his mouth away, resting his forehead against mine and I nodded, assuring him I was ready. I barely heard the sound of the wrapper over my beating heart.

He kissed my forehead again, then my nose, as he moved his hips forward slowly. I didn’t focus on the burn and stretch. I focused on Zach’s eyes, the way they widened when he slid into me. I squeezed his shoulders tight even though his entrance was slow and gentle.

He ran a hand over my cheek, then tucked my hair behind my ear. I had loved him for so long, but in that moment I had never felt a love so consuming of my mind, body and soul.

Everything about it was perfect.

His breath tickled my ear as he leaned in close and whispered, “This time I promise. I will never let go.”

Absolute perfection.

* * *

Zach’s chest rose and fell with each sleeping breath. I stretched out beside him, taking my head from his chest and resting it on my hand.

It had taken us so long to get to this spot, and I wanted to savor it, remember every single moment leading into it, during and after. I didn’t want to sleep because I didn’t want the night to end.

He stirred beside me and squinted one eye open. “Hey,” he said, lip quirking up in that sexy way.

“Hey.”

“Why are you all the way over there?”

“Just thinking about stuff.”

He rolled on his side, mirroring me. “What kind of stuff?”

“Just stuff.”

“Is that so?” he said, reaching out and flipping me underneath him. His fingers worked at my side, tickling until I was squirming under him, laughing.

“You. I was thinking about you!” I yelled out.

“All good stuff I hope.”

I nodded, his hands stopped, and because I no longer had to resist the urge, I lifted up and kissed him.

“Mmm,” he said. “Confirmation.”

I laughed against his lips and then bit my own. I let out a deep breath. “Do you think if you hadn’t stopped calling, we’d still be together?”

Zach sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’d like to think we would’ve been, but at the same time, I wouldn’t change anything. I think it all happened the way it was supposed to.”

“You do?”

“I do. So no regrets. The past is just that. The past. You and me—we’re the future. Let’s not look back.”

He was right, to an extent. For so long I had dreamed of being in his arms like things never changed. Now I knew how silly that was. Things changed. And no matter what we did, we couldn’t go back. But why would I want to? Everything that happened had brought me to this moment, and like Zach said, I wouldn’t change a single thing.

“Nope,” I said, sitting up and crossing my legs underneath me.

“Are you going to hold it over me for the rest of our lives?”

“Of course not. It’s just that, some things in our past are worth remembering.” I stood, my eyes roaming over his chest, following his Ken doll lines right to the blanket that barely covered him. I slipped his shirt over my head, and knelt beside the bed, pulling out my Zach box.

He eyed it curiously and then a surprised smile stretched across his face as he saw the pictures.

I took the top off and placed it in front of Zach. “These memories, I’ve held on to them because I never want to forget them.”

He took the tiny bear in his hands and shook his head. “For the amount of money I spent to win you this thing, I could’ve bought you twenty of them.”

“But then it wouldn’t have been as special.” I grabbed it out of his hand and hugged it to my chest.

He reached in the box and held up the bobber. “I can’t believe you saved this.”

“It was a good day.”

“The best.”

“And that’s why I don’t want to forget the past.”

He kissed my nose and pulled back. “Okay. No forgetting.” His hand went in the box and when he pulled it out he revealed the plastic bubble. He popped the top off and took out the frog key chain, taking my hand in his. The frog swayed as he took my hand and slid it on my finger. “Lizzie, I promise to always love you. Always be there for you. And always find a way to make you laugh.”

A tear fell down my cheek and happiness overtook my face. “You remembered.”

“When it comes to you, I can’t forget anything.” His finger swiped away my tear and he leaned forward, my breath hitching at his proximity. Would I ever get used to that? “But something’s missing.”

“What do you mean?”

He reached towards my nightstand and held the note he’d written me only hours earlier. “This.” The folded piece of paper fell into the box and dark eyes looked up at me. “Now we can start working on our future.”

I jumped up, tackling him to the bed, more than ready to start today, tomorrow and the rest of time making memories together.

Chapter 25

Mimi sat in the gazebo, a canvas in front of her and a paintbrush in her hand. The sight sent me back to high school, when Zach and I used to sit and watch as she turned a blank canvas into a beautiful landscape.

I didn’t know she still painted. It made me smile.

I got out of the car and walked up the gazebo steps. I had dropped Zach off earlier on my way to my parents’ house to see Josh.

Mimi put her paintbrush down and turned to me. If she was having a bad day, she wouldn’t know who I was. I didn’t want to confuse her any further.

“Hi. I’m Liz, Zach’s friend,” I said with a wave.

She cocked an eyebrow in my direction. “I know who you are. What, do you think I’m senile or something?”

“Not at all, Mimi. It’s good to see you again.” And it was. Though I didn’t know if she understood the magnitude of my words.

“Come sit down. I was just finishing up.”

I sat in the white wicker rocking chair beside her easel. The canvas was still white. I wondered how long she had been sitting out there. She said she was finishing up, but she hadn’t even started. I wanted to cry for all she’d lost, but I pushed it aside.

“It’s a beautiful day. A little chilly though. Zach just went in to grab my sweater,” she said and walked past me, grabbing the blank canvas. I waited for her to turn and walk out of the gazebo, but she went to the other side of her chair and picked up another canvas.

This canvas was a gorgeous landscape. It was as if she took a picture of the scene in front of her and placed it there. I was wrong. She hadn’t lost herself at all. Somewhere deep inside, she still existed.

“It is an amazing day,” I said, as she moved towards the stairs. I walked behind her, ready to help if she needed, and looked out across the lawn. My face lit up the minute I spotted him.

“Zach! Lizzie is here,” she called as she made her way towards him.

I didn’t correct her, not because I felt guilty correcting a woman who suffered from dementia, but because being called Lizzie didn’t bother me anymore.

Zach smiled as he approached and draped Mimi’s sweater over her shoulders. “Heading in?” he asked.

“It’s almost dinnertime. If I don’t get there early enough, Bertha steals all the rolls. Puts them right in her pocketbook like no one knows it’s her.”

Zach and I laughed and he slid his hand into mine. “How’s Josh?” he whispered into my ear.

“He’s doing good,” I said, and he kissed my nose.

We made sure Mimi was settled before saying our goodbyes.

Zach took my keys. “Ready to go?”

“Yup. I told Sadie and Matt we’d meet them at five.”

I leaned against the car waiting for him to unlock my door, but instead he tucked my hair behind my ear and kissed my forehead. “Hey you,” he said, wrapping his hands around my waist and pulling me close.

“Hey yourself.”

Warm, soft lips pressed against my own and his fingers interlocked with mine.

He took out his phone, checked the time and slid it back into his pocket. “We have some time to kill.” His lips worked their way down my neck.

“No, we don’t.”

I bit down, but it was too late.

His finger brushed across my mouth. “Liar—your lip just twitched.”

“I love that you know that about me. Joe never did.”

“That’s because he was a moron. If he had opened his eyes to you for a single second—” I placed my finger on his lips.

“We might not be standing here.”

“Well then, thank God for morons,” Zach said. He scooped me up, threw me over his shoulder and spun.

An old man sitting outside on one of the benches shook his head at us and I swear I heard him mumble, “Crazy kids,” which only made me laugh harder.

“Put me down,” I said around my laughter.

My surroundings stopped spinning and Zach slowly lowered me back to the ground until I was eye to eye with him. “I’ll put you down, but—”

I kissed the words away and then when he gave me that sexy smirk of his, I finished his sentence. “But you’ll never let me go.”

“No. Never again.”

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Mom and Dad, there aren’t enough words in the world to convey my gratitude. You have given me the world even when you had nothing to give. Mom, you are my best friend and your input has helped transform this book. I couldn’t have done this without you. Dad, thank you for promoting my book to anyone who will listen, and for putting my book up on every e-reader display you come across. And thank you for coming up with the original title for this book. It will always be Displaced Hearts to me.

Eric, you have been my constant for twelve years. Thank you for letting me read you page after page of many drafts and even though your feedback of “If I was a girl, I’m sure I would love it”, wasn’t always what I was hoping for, I still appreciated it. Thank you for being such an awesome cook and for the times you cleaned up because I was so lost in my edits. I’m sorry for ignoring you and holding my finger up while I typed a final thought. There is no one else I would want by my side.

To my agent, Brittany Booker, I always tell people you picked me up out of the slush pile reject bin because that’s exactly what you did. You were my one yes out of hundreds of no’s and I will be forever grateful. Thanks for taking a chance on me.

To Julie, my editor, thank you for loving my characters and story as much as I do, and for always being right even if I didn’t think so at first. You turned my book into something I only dreamed of.

Kelley Lynn, you were my first critique partner, and I have no idea what I did before you. You have read every single draft of this book and your insight has been invaluable. Thank you for always finding the time, for rooting for me, and for truly being a great friend.

Cassie Mae, we got on this roller coaster at about the same time. You’ve been there through all the ups and downs, and provided me with advice and constant support. You are my bestie and I love you. I can’t wait to see where this roller coaster takes us next.

Suzi Retzlaff, I have learned so much from you. You put an end to my run on sentences and prepared me for copy edits. You have offered me so much more than your awesome knowledge and I can’t thank you enough for all your support. I treasure your friendship and am looking forward to what you will teach me next.

Jenny Morris, Rachel Schieffelbein, Jessica Salyer, Leigh Covington, Jennie Bennett, Hope Roberson, Jade Hart and Lizzy Charles: you are more than CP’s and betas. You are my cheerleaders, psychiatrists, and venting board. I couldn’t have asked for a better support system. Thank you for all the laughs and the encouraging words. I love you all.

The Booker Albert team, thanks for all the retweets and Facebook shares. When I got an agent, I didn’t expect an entire agency family and am so grateful to each and every one of you.

Valerie O’Kane for reading my books before anyone else did and loving them even though they were awful.

Aunt Heather, for reading (Never) Again before it was (Never) Again and for all the kind words you had.

My Grandma, just because you’re awesome and I need everyone to know that. I love you so much.

To my family and friends, I love you all. Thanks for always being there for me.

To Sarah Dessen, Hailey Abbott, and R.L. Stine for showing me there is more to books than the ones they make you read in school.

And lastly, to the readers: thank you for giving Lizzie and Zach a chance. I hope you love them as much as I do, even if you wanted to strangle Liz at times. I know I did

Theresa Paolo

Theresa Paolo lives in the same town she grew up in on Long Island, NY with her boyfriend and Milton, their big eyed goldfish. She has a hard time accepting the fact she’s nearing thirty which is why she writes new adult and young adult books, reliving the best and worst years of her life through her characters. She put her love of writing on hold while she received her bachelor’s degree in marketing from Dowling College. On November 11th 2011 at 11:11 she made a wish. Two hours later she was laid off. Jobless for the first time since she was sixteen she was determined to make her wish come true. Writing became her life again and after many nights of ignoring her boyfriend to spend time with her characters, she finally received the call that all her hard work, finger-crossing and eye-crossing paid off. When she’s not writing, she’s behind a camera or can be found in the blogosphere or on Twitter, Pinterest and Facebook.

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Content

(Never) Again
by
Theresa Paolo

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Theresa Paolo