Odzer Cleo

Goa Freaks: My Hippie Years in India

v 1.0 Converting pdf. Джим, 23.10.2013

Goa Freaks

My Hippie Years in India

Acknowledgement

With special thanks to Richard Franken for his continuing friendship since these old Goa days and for his help and support with this book and with Patpong Sisters. I'd also like to acknowledge his photographic talent. Many of the photos used here are his.

July 1979

"BAKSHEESH," MUTTERED the beggar, thrusting his palm at me as I walked through the Colaba section of Bombay. He should have recognized me by now. In that rainy monsoon, could there have been more than one young foreign woman with blue eyes, blonde hair, and a diamond in her nose? He had not gotten a rupee from me yet, and I'd been down that street every day the past week. Glaring at him, I swerved to avoid the palm of another barefoot beggar, a boy in tattered shorts. Something told me they'd had more to eat more than I had.

I waved my arm and yelled,  "CELLO," one of the few Hindi words I'd managed to pick up during my four years in India. "GO! GET AWAY!"

At the end of the block I turned left to head back to the hotel, which had rusty streaks and the ceiling and jumbo water bugs in its communal shower. The day hadn't seen rain yet, but dark clouds foretell that it soon would. Yesterday's deluge still flooded the streets, and the bottom of my ankle-length skirt had a muddy line that would probably never wash out. How would I survive the next two months of this? All my friends had left for the summer. Nobody would deliberately spend a monsoon season in India if they could help it. Only the losers got stuck in the rain.

"Cleo! Cleo!" I heard someone shout, and I turned to see Birmingham Bobby running toward me. I couldn't believe the scruffy sight of him. Gone was the thick gold jewellery of two years before and his cocky poise. Pimples now polka-dotted his once-smooth skin. "Hello, love," he said, kissing me with enthusiasm and no hint of the former bad feelings between us. "How're you doing? You look great. Got any smack?"

His hopeful grin shrunk as I shook my head and answered, "Only opium."

He grunted. "I'm sick of opium!" As his eyes searched the street for another potential source of free drugs, he related his latest failure in the export business. Then he sighed. "It's not easy here anymore, is it, love?"

"Nothing worked for me this year, either," I told him. "I came to Bombay to keep from starving in Goa. Bila from Dipti's allows me one mango ice cream a day on credit, and Yatin from Spaceways Travel lent me rupees for a few days at the Crown Hotel. I don't know what do when that money runs out."

"Bloody daft how I'm broke," said Bobby, turning around to scan behind him. "Stiffies Hotel threw me out for not paying the bill. I've been sleeping on the street ever since."

Holy cow. I'd heard of down-and-outers who slept on the street with the Indian beggars, but I'd never known one before. Though his was one of the only friendly faces I'd run into, I had an urge to escape him; but before I could utter an excuse, he spotted someone else he knew and dashed off without a goodbye.

To cross an avenue I stepped into a foot of black flood water. Not bothering to raise my stick, I let its already-stained hem float as I waded across. Sleeping on the street with the beggars! Could that happen to me? How far from that was I, anyway? Even with only one ice cream a day, my credit at Dipti's wouldn't last forever, and I'd run out of people who could lend me money. Had he still been a five and able to see me, my nice Jewish father, with his Ritz hotel in Miami Beach, would have med. My nice Jewish mother in New York still thought I was a successful model, though it had been years since I'd sent her a magazine clipping. No, I couldn't let myself fall to that beggar level. Even if it meant leaving India for good.

But I didn't want to leave India. This was my home. Goa was my dream, my fantasy paradise. I couldn't leave it. Everything would be better in the fall, when I could return there—to my house; to Bach, the dog I missed so much; to the nightly beach parties. It was deserted in Goa now—the houses boarded up, the restaurants closed—but as soon as the monsoon ended, my friends would return and it'd be jumping. Goa was my home. I just had to survive the next two months, then I could get back to it.

Having rejected the thought of Rachid for more than a week, I decided Ihad no choice but to involve myself with the slimy Indian. Rachid—yuk. The name "Rancid" would have suited him better.

I detoured to leave messages for Rachid at a juice stand and a shop selling yogurt-type drinks called lassies, and then continued to the hotel. In my room, I avoided brushing the walls and their layer of crud. I didn't sit on the chair, where leatherish filth speckled the upholstery. Touching anything in the room brought shivers to my skin. Before I lay down, I spread a kimono over the bed to hide the sheet's circles of yellow and grey. To endure that place, I'd had to shut a sensor in my brain, the sensor of aesthetics.

On the street the next day, Rachid pulled up beside me in a car crammed with Indian men. Like wolves and coyotes, Rachid and his men travelled in packs.

"Hello, darling," he said. "What can I do for you? Want cocaine?"

I told him I needed to make money. "Don't you have people cashing checks for you or something?" I asked. I'd heard rumours about his underworld businesses.

"For you, darling, I have something better. Something safer."

The job he had in mind did concern checks, traveller’s checks to be specific, and was part of an Operation he ran in several cities. Apparently Rachid had a network of Indians and foreigners working together. In Step One of the scam, his Indians hunted tourists. I would enter in Step Two, where the tourists were conned into parting with their traveller’s checks. Cashing them was the last and riskiest step, and Rachid had a separate group of foreigners for that.

My sensor for compassion must have been numbed also; didn't care what the job entailed.

"Darling, you go back to the hotel and wait," he told me. "We will call you when we're ready. Someone will go with you until you learn the routine. Here is a hundred rupees. Go eat. You need smack? You know you can always come to me, darling. Rachid will take care of you."

I wasn't at the hotel long before I received the phone call. I'd picked up a feast of food, and the call came after I'd wolfed down a pepper steak and was gobbling the third raspberry doughnut. I wasn't sure how the scam worked. I did know I was to play the role of a tourist, removed the diamond from my nose and put on my "government dress," the one I wore to renew my visa. Another crowded car pulled up to the hotel, this time without Rachid, and I squeezed in between an Indian and a seedy looking Frenchman who had dirty hair and dandruff.

"We have an American waiting in a cafe," one of the Indians told "This is your husband." He pointed to Dandruff, who managed a droopy-eyed greeting. Rachid probably employed every junky in Bombay. The Indian continued, "You are to pretend you made money with us yesterday and are back today to make more. Here, take these traveller’s checks. Do not worry. It is easy."

At that moment, my stomach was so nice and full I couldn't have felt other than blissfully content. And one more raspberry doughnut awaited my return.

The car left a block from the café as light rain began. When we walked in. Dandruff recognized another one of Rachid's men, who waved us to the table where he sat with a crew-cut American.

"Hello, hello," the Indian welcomed us warmly. Then, turning to the tourist, he said, "Here is the couple I told you about. Yesterday they earned, what was it, almost two hundred dollars, right?" He looked at us. We nodded. "You had no problems, did you?"

"No," replied Dandruff, my dirty, droopy husband. "Piece of cake."

We drank tea, and then Rachid's man purposely stepped away a minute so the tourist could confer with us and be reassured. "What does he want us to do exactly?" the American asked me. "Buy traveller’s checks for him? That's it?"

"That's all," Dandruff informed him. "He gives us American dollars and we buy him checks. There's a rule that Indian nationals aren't allowed to have foreign currency. But they need traveller’s checks in foreign currency to leave the country. Typical bureaucratic bullshit. We make a percentage of the amount we change."

When we left the restaurant, the four of us took a taxi to a less commercial part of town. The squat buildings looked like factories, and fewer people walked the streets. By this time it was pouring, and Dandruff, the tourist, and I huddled under the tourist's umbrella. Rachid's man, standing in the rain, explained we were to wait there while he went to get the money. Meanwhile, since he would be trusting us with his cash dollars, we were to let him hold our traveller’s checks. The amount of cash we'd be given would match the amount of our traveller’s checks he'd be holding.

"The money is in a safe around the corner," he said, hunching forward to keep the rain out of his eyes. "You give me your checks now and I will put them in the safe and come back with the money."

Following Dandruff's lead, I handed him the traveller’s checks I'd been given in the car. After watching us give the man our Checks, the tourist didn't hesitate more than a second before handing over his.

Uh-oh. I suddenly realized we'd be left waiting there with the neat American until he figured out he'd been ripped off.

"Are you sure this is okay?" he asked as we watched the (Irene had Indian walk away with his two thousand dollars worth of American Express. The rain formed a blur around us. Dandruff left the refuge of the umbrella to sit on a concrete wall. Oh, terrific—now I was alone with the guy. I tried concentrating on my furry Bach back in Goa. Had Bach run away from the Person I'd left him with? Was somebody feeding him? Did he miss me?

"Where are you from?" I asked our victim. Water cascaded off the umbrella, over my elbow, down my leg, and into my left shoe.

"Wisconsin. Ever been there?" Water poured down his back and ruined the crease in his trousers.

I shook my head. My shoe squished as I shifted my weight. I wondered how long this would take.

"We certainly picked the wrong time of year to vacation in India, didn't we?" he stated.

"Um . . . really! My travel agent didn't say anything about a rainy season. Did yours?"

"This isn't a considerate place to have us wait," he commented next. "Is this where you waited yesterday?"

I looked at Dandruff on the wall, eyes closed, letting the rain flow over him. I nodded and tried to recall the taste of the raspberry doughnut. "What do you do in Wisconsin?" I asked, wishing the guy wasn't so dose. I could feel the heat of his hand next to mine as we held the umbrella.

"I manufacture nuts and bolts in specialized sizes. What do you do?"

"Oh, um . . . uh . . . this and that. You know." I'd have to think up better answers.

Fifteen minutes later, our victim started to worry. "Where is that man? He's Tate. Did it take this long yesterday?"

Again I looked at Dandruff. His eyes were still closed. "No, yesterday he came right back. I hope nothing went wrong."

After another twenty minutes our victim groaned. "He's not coming back," he said. "I think we've been robbed."

At this point, Dandruff joined us and wrinkled his forehead in an effort to look concerned. "No! You think so?"

"What can he do with our traveller’s checks?" I asked. "You need identification to cash them."

"The bastard!" exclaimed Dandruff forcefully.

"What do we do now?"

"We must report to the police."

"But we can't tell the truth," Dandruff said with feigned dismay. "What we planned to do is illegal. It will be us who'll be in trouble. We'll have to say the Checks were lost."

"You're right. Or that they were stolen from the hotel room," I added.

Finally, when the tourist surrendered all hope, we agreed to leave separately to report the lost checks.

Later, Dandruff and I split three hundred dollars, our fifteen percent of the man's checks. If the foreigners who cashed them received the same percentage, that still left Rachid a juicy profit; and who knew how many others like us Rachid had working for him.

"Listen," I said to Dandruff, "do you think I can ask them not to leave me in the rain next time? There must be a place with a doorway or an awning or something."

"Don't do that. The more comfortable it is, the longer you'll have to wait. Believe me, it goes fastest when you're out and exposed in a torrential downpour."

After devouring the remaining doughnut, I moved to a room that had its own toilet. What a luxury. Though I wasn't thrilled with my new vocation, the compensations eased my conscience. I went to the Sheraton to buy French bread, Camembert cheese, and a bottle of American shampoo. Oh, boy—I'd be able to wash the sticky soap mess from my hair. I just might survive until September after all.

After four more days with Dandruff, I worked alone.

But I hated it. I hated standing there as the tourists realized their checks weren't coming back. The long wait while hope faded was torture. As they agonized over what the loss meant, I agonized over being the one who caused it.

"I've been saving for this trip for years," said a German woman during our second half-hour of waiting. "I always wanted to visit the Ganges River." She paused to look mournfully in the direction she'd let someone walk away with her traveller’s checks.

I felt awful for her, knowing myself the ordeal of reporting lost checks. If she came to India for only a two-week excursion, she'd probably never dipher toes in the Ganges now. I tried not to think of it. I resisted the image of me as a cretin. I thought of Goa instead. And Bach. And the food I could now afford.

Though I could tell that speculation about my role flickered through people's minds while we waited, nobody accused me outright. What worried me was the possibility of running into somebody at a later date. The tourist area of Bombay was small, and I knew our victims would learn the details of the scam as soon as they returned to their hotels. Undoubtedly their desk clerks had heard of it. It was notorious at American Express, which had even posted fliers with descriptions of Rachid's people. This was big business, and I, for one, received the call at least once a day.

After a few weeks, anxiety that I might be spotted grew to fear and then terror. Visions of being dragged through the street, kicked and cursed at, haunted me whenever I went out. So I bought a black wig and a pair of sunglasses. Now, on top of everything, I felt ridiculous as I slinked down alleys in disguise. If I glimpsed a Westerner on the street, I'd turn to a store window to see if I could recognize the person in the glass reflection before he or she recognized me.

When Rachid suggested I go to Delhi, I was enormous relieved. "Darling, you will like it better in Delhi," he said. "All my people stay in one hotel. It will be like a party. See how I try to make you happy, darling?"

Dandruff came, too. Apparently tourism was booming in Delhi. The three of us flew together, and Rachid took us personally to the hotel. As we entered, the Indian employees steeped their hands and lowered their heads respectfully to him. He must have owned the place. Upstairs, Dandruff and I were introduced to six Westerners, all male, all droop looking, and all sleazy.

A porter showed me to a room. I was impressed: it had its own bedroom.

"Here you are, darling. Is this not cosy?"

During the day, we sat around a central area waiting to be called. The hotel manager would summon us.

"Your turn." The Indian signalled Dandruff.

"What, again? I already went twice today."

"Cleo, you're next."

"But Tin in the middle of a Tandoori chicken," I moaned.

Sometimes we were all out at once. Rarely were more than three of us there at one time. In Delhi I relaxed. With the hotel outside the city centre, I no longer feared running into a victim after the feet I still hated the job, but I was surviving the monsoon. And there was a wonderful Bengali restaurant down the block Food! Soon soon I would be back in Goa.

One evening Dandruff didn't return. We notified Rachid. Late that night a knock woke me. Half asleep, I didn't think twice about opening the door until two police officers strode into the room.

Oh, shit.

"You are tourist?" asked a little inspector, looking into corners. "Uh . . . yes."

"Please, you show me your passport."

When I did, he sat on the bed to examine it. The other policeman searched the room at first poking into empty drawers and then rummaging through the suitcase where all my clothes tangled into one big knot. "But you are staying in India what eleven months?" the inspector said, trying to figure out my entry dates. "No, you are making one trip to Bangkok and return. What is your occupation?"

"Oh, um . . . uh . . ."

"Is this correct? It is saying that you are born in 1950. You are twenty-one?" He looked closer at me. "No, you are being no more than eighteen." People always mistook me for younger than my age. He compared me to the passport picture.

Just then the other officer came across a set of traveller’s checks hidden in a bikini bottom He brought them to the inspector, and the two of them smiled Humpty Dumpty-style.

"So! These are your checks? This is your name?"

They weren't and it wasn't.

The police took me away.

A canvas-covered jeep waited in front of the hotel, and in the back wrapped to his ears in a blanket sat Dandruff.

"What happened?" I asked, climbing in and sitting beside him.

He waited till the engine blocked his voice from the driver, then answered, "A tourist recognized me from last year. She called the cops. They beat me. Look, they pulled my earring out." He motioned to his bloody lobe. "The pigs ruined my ear."

Was that supposed to justify his informing on me? Obviously he'd led the police to my door. He must not have mentioned anyone else from the hotel just me.

Thank you very much. Dandruff. I'm going to get you for this, I thought, while I smiled at him. "Are you all right?" I asked. At that moment I needed a fellow sufferer more than I needed an enemy.

It was still the middle of the night when the jeep brought us to the police station, and our arrival woke the servants who'd been, sleeping on the concrete floor of the courtyard. After depositing Dandruff in an empty cell that said "Lathes," the police escorted me to a narrow room overwhelmed by yellow folders and smelling of an earlier curried meal. "We are having no facilities for you," the inspector told me. "You must be spending the night in this office." He spoke Hindi to a servant who'd scurried in behind us. After producing blankets of the same type I'd seen wrapped around Dandruff, the servant was dismissed for the night "Here, you sleep here," the inspector said as he spread blankets on the floor; one, half under the desk and another, a few feet away. Then came a clanging of chains. "Come, you are lying down now." I sat on the floor and tried to make a pillow of my handbag, bunching it into a ball. He approached me. "I am sorry, I must manacle you. Please, you are lying down." He kneeled near me with a gigantically thick chain that should not have been used for anything smaller than an elephant. "Here. You are putting your foot here." I moved as directed until the bottom half of me lay under the desk. He chained my ankle to its initial leg. Theo he went to the other blanket and turned out the light.

The ceiling fan revolved slowly. I could barely feel the stirred air passing through the top wisps of my hair. Outside in the station courtyard the sounds of activity grew quieter as the servants settled hack down for the night A door slammed at the end of the corridor, and I heard a foreign shout in the distance. An answering shout came in more words I couldn't understand. My shoulder blades dog into the floor, but I couldn't turn to the side with my foot chained to the desk.

I cried.

Chained under a desk, deep inside a police station somewhere in New Delhi, in India, in the middle of the night—I didn't want to think. I wanted desperately to sleep—sleep and let all this go away for a while.

I suspected, though, I wouldn't be able to do that just yet.

And there he was. As the last thump and shuffle moved off in the distance, there was the inspector at my side, right up against me. He stroked my hair and, with a sexual smirk in his voice, said, "You are not having to cry. I can make everything okay for you. I can take away this manacle even, if you are wishing."

The scratchy surface of the handbag itched my neck. How had I gotten myself into this mess? Somewhere along the way I'd lost control of my life. Something somewhere had escaped me. But it had all been so wonderful—hadn't it? I'd created the perfect home for myself in Goa. Goa was my dream community, my fantasy paradise. It represented everything I'd ever wanted.

But I wasn't in Goa at the moment. Goa seemed worlds away. What had gone wrong?

As the inspector fondled my hair, I remembered my mother's night time touch when I was a little girl. She'd sit on my bed and caress me until I fell asleep. Sometimes she'd sing a Song about dolls or a Swiss man who made cheese. This only happened on Thursdays, though, because that was the government's day off.

The only child of a wealthy family, I grew up in a large New York City apartment overlooking Central Park. We had a cook and a cleaning lady. I had a French nanny and went to a French school, driven there in a chauffeured limousine. Nobody in the family was French; but French was chic and the family was very chic. We spent the nasty months of the year in a Florida hotel, the Eden Roc, in which my father had a partnership. I was raised in the good life, destined for JAPHood—the coddled existence of a Jewish American Princess.

As I approached my teen years my father developed Parkinson's disease. Stories of his falling in the subway and being helped home by strangers made my heart ache. During New York's famous blackout, his blank gaze as he sat in his candlelit wheelchair made me realize he was no longer cognizant.

As I watched his mind and body deteriorate, I was unaware that our finances were doing the same. By the time I was old enough to appreciate grandeur, we no longer lived in it. It took my father years to the, years spend as a vegetable. In the meantime, my mother thought it better to let me run wild than to keep me home while he wasted away. And run wild I did.

"What's going on here?" she asked once, entering my room.

A group of us lay on the floor, speechless, enraptured by a swirly design that circled round and round. Marijuana smoke fogged the air, but my mother couldn't identify the smell. I was fifteen.

"Hey, Momsy. Look at this! Psychedelic!"

The guys had long, straggly hair. My mother stared at one wearing a toga and makeup. Over the sound of the Rolling Stones she yelled, "Cook said dinner will be ready at seven."

"We're going for pizza," I answered, my eyes pleading her not to object. She glanced again at the toga. "Momsy, I can't eat here. Please?" She hesitated but, as always, she let me go. She knew how it hurt me to watch my father's spastic body be fed by the nurse, food dribbling from his chin. "And, Momsy, would you dose the door, please?"

Out every night from the age of fifteen, I became a regular on the disco scene. No club charged me admission; everybody knew me by the age on my phoney I.D. At seventeen I wrote a column in Downtown, a Greenwich Village newspaper. "Pop Sounds by Cleo," it was called. I got free concert passes to interview musicians backstage.

Despite the nocturnal pursuits, I did not drop out of school. In fact, achieved my highest grades while at my wildest. I'd always hated being told what to do—when Momsy said be home by eleven, I sneaked out again at midnight—and until my junior year in high school I'd been a terrible student. Three schools had expelled me, the French one and two others. But then I transferred to Quintanos School for Young Professionals. For models, actors, and rock musicians, this school catered to the weirdo. At Quintanos, students weren't required to learn at all. In this atmosphere I flourished. Rarely would I be graded less than an A. With no one forcing me to study, I did it because I liked it.

By my nineteenth birthday, my father had died, the money was gone, and my mother had to move to a smaller apartment with no room for me. Though it had been my idea to five alone, I'd wanted privacy, not excommunication, which was what the Break in standard of living brought me. With the cessation of my weekly allowance, I felt immediately excluded from my previous life. Our old kitchen had been so big it needed a sink at both ends; now all I had was a toaster oven on the bed stand of my rented room.

When I visited Momsy, she took me on a sad tour of the apartment she'd crammed herself into—five huge rooms on the sixteenth Floor of an elegant building on lower Fifth Avenue.

She wailed forlornly, "I don't know how I'll avoid claustrophobia here. And I can only afford the cleaning lady three days a week." The second bedroom had been converted to a library, and she gestured defeatedly, telling of the books she'd thrown out to accommodate the smaller shelf space.

"Momsy, I have a cavity and need a dentist," I told her.

"Baby, I wish I could help, but I just sent the sable to the furrier to be shortened and I haven't a cent left. With short skirts in style, I look retarded in a long coat, and I can't afford a new one."

With my mother barely able to maintain herself. I'd have to make my own way. There wasn't sufficient insurance money to support us both. But what was I supposed to do? I'd been raised to be a rich man's daughter. No one had geared me for the proletariat.

Bootlessly adrift, I felt homeless and even stateless. New York wasn't hospitable. There was nothing for me there. I tried modelling, but my measly five feet three inches disqualified me from the profession. What to do?

Eventually I decided to go away. My bank account totalled twelve hundred dollars, a life's worth of birthday presents from relatives. And so, after closing the account, I left the United States, bought an old car in Paris, and became a free-spirited traveller.

"Where are you going?" the European border guards would ask as I drove up in my colourful car. I'd painted a smiling face on the hood; on the roof, a cracked raw egg ran yellow and white into the bright colours of the car doors. A purple ghost on the trunk snarled at riders behind me who objected to my novice driving skills.

"I'm just going," I would answer.

"What happened to your front license plate?" they'd ask next, noticing its absence.

"It fell off. But the numbers are there—see them?" I'd painted the license number in the smiling mouth. It looked like teeth.

During the two and a half years I travelled around Europe and the Middle East, I modelled. In countries without blue-eyed blondes, I did well. In Greece you couldn't turn on the TV without seeing me with a tube of toothpaste or a can of deodorant, and I even performed minor parts in movies. In other countries, though, such as Holland with its lofty blondes, I was again too short to model. When winter made it too cold to sleep in the car, I lived on people's floors or in hippie hideaways in abandoned buildings. Poverty was okay if you were a traveller; then it made it a statement: I'm a rebel in search of a better world. I'm a flower child protesting capitalist values. I'm not part of your system.

"Hi, there. Remember me? Can I sleep on your floor again tonight? I'll be leaving soon for the Sinai in Israel. Heard there's a scene happening there in the desert."

Being "on the road" was a great way to meet people and have adventures. After a while, though, I tired of leaving places. I wanted a home, but I needed a place with people who had my kind of visions, people free from societal mores and the restraints of tradition. So far I hadn't found anything like that.

"Go to India," someone told me. "That's where the Freaks five."

I'd met a few Freaks here and there in my travels. From a variety of nationalities, they were people who'd given up their motherlands and their former lifestyles. They had a creative outlook on life and a collection of utopian ideals—plus an urge to have fun and avoid work.

"Really?" I asked. "Where in India?"

"Goa."

September 1975

I BOUNCED INTO India on an overland bus I'd boarded in Athens. Specks of dirt and dost hovered in the air and covered everything by the time the other young passengers and I crossed from Pakistan via an unpaved road. The flies that’d joined us in Lahore were still with us, though their buzzing couldn't be heard over the blasting rock music. We'd been on the road six weeks, and as one of my feet scraped the floor, it gouged a path through a melange of dirt from Greece, Turkey, Iran, Afghanistan, and Pakistan. A sample of this international sniff could also be found in my ears, in my nasal passages, under my nails, and now a chunk of the Indian variety was crusting in the corners of my eves. But this was India—INDIA!—and I was ready and eager to experience the East. Something special awaited me here—I could feel it. Maybe this was where I'd find a home.

In New Delhi, our first stop, some passengers got off and we picked up new ones. The new people had an indescribable quality about them. You could tell they'd been in the East a while. Their clothes hung looser, their mannerisms seemed freer, and they had a certain inner tranquillity. One American couple, Paul and Pam, both with waist-length, wavy brown hair, told us they'd been living in Goa four years. Paul, in white, flowing pants and a white top, stood in the front of the bus and helped with directions. I watched Pam to discover what gave her that "devour."

Whatever it was, I wanted it.

In Bombay, we parked overnight to sleep in the bus near the marble columned Taj Mahal Hotel where two German women and I took a refreshing sponge bath in the lathes' room of the lobby. On the way back, with washed underwear in our hands, we noticed what seemed like oblong bundles of garbage against the hotel's wall. I froze as a bundle moved, half expecting a rat to run out.

"What's the matter?" one of the Germans whispered.

The three of us remained still as we realized the oblong shapes lined both sides of the street.

"Look!" A bit of hair protruded from the far end of one; from the other, bare feet. I pointed to a baby arm sticking out from a tiny one. "They're people!"

"Baksheesh," someone said, suddenly taking hold of my elbow. I turned to see a woman in a ripped sari holding a baby with an oily streak across its face.  "Paisa," she said holding her palm out and then gesturing toward her mouth.  "Paisa."

Another beggar appeared next to us, and two were detached from their rag bundles and headed in our direction. A child took hold of my ruffled dress and stuffed the edge of a ruffle in her mouth.

Was this where I wanted to five? "Let's get out of here," I said.

The next afternoon we were to leave for Goa. I spent the morning looking for a place to leave my enormous suitcase, so full of clothes they'd called me Hippie Deluxe in Europe. I wanted to bring only the minimum with me—a few outfits packed in a sleeping bag. I also needed a safe place to leave my portfolio of modelling pictures. If I lost that, I wouldn't be able to work.

By ten in the morning, Bombay's heat had baked my bones. Though it didn't take long to find a hotel storage facility for my luggage, I was at a loss over what to do with my pictures. After hours of unsuccessful inquiry. I parked myself in six square inches of shade under a traffic signal. Sweaty and exasperated, I was sure I'd scream if one more beggar touched me.

"You are lost?" an Indian man asked when I remained under the traffic signal after everyone else had crossed the street.

I moaned and stamped my foot. "UH! I don't know where to leave my portfolio; my feet are killing me; it's too hot here; it's too crowded; my bus is going to leave any minute; and these beggars are driving me CRAZY!"

The man smiled tolerantly and gave me his card. "I work for Indian Airlines. You see there—it is just down the roadway. Would you like for me to show you around the city?"

"I'm heading for Goa soon," I told him. "Do you know where I could leave my portfolio? It's my most valuable possession and I don't want to take it with me."

"Why, I will hold it for you if you wish. You can find me in the office every work day. Perhaps on your return to Bombay you will let inc escort you to dinner."

I looked him over—gray tie; pointy, polished shoes. Perfect! Where could I find a safer place than with this nice business man in his nice suit? "Great!"

I handed over the portfolio. He looked so reliable, I didn't bother to ask where he'd put it. Hidden behind a picture were two hundred dollars in traveller’s checks, half the money I had left in the world. I wanted to set that aside for an emergency.

That afternoon our bus began the final lap of the journey. It took fifteen hours from Bombay to the border of Goa and would take another ten to Calangute, our destination. A colony of Portugal until 1961, Goa revealed itself to be different from the India we'd seen so far. No desperate poverty, for one thing. And the countryside—wow! All we'd seen previously had been dry desert land; Goa was green and lush with vegetation. Giant leaves hung over the road, periodically skimming the roof of the bus.

"YEOW!" yelled a surprised passenger as a super-leaf slid in the window and poked her in the cheek. We drove through the oversized greenery in awed silence. Having travelled, cramped and hurled about, for six weeks, we'd finally arrived in Goa.

The road lay bare except for the occasional ox cart, a few bicycles, some cows, and chickens—lots of chickens. At a ferry crossing, we had to get off the bus. From a mound of dirt on the side, we watched the old-timers Paul and Pam direct the big vehicle onto the small boat.

Apparently the government was in the process of building a bridge across the river. Steel structures strode a hundred yards into  the water and ended abruptly, looking as if their construction workers head just then for lunch.

"It's been like that for years," said Pam, "and I've never seen anyone working on it." Nothing happened fast in India.

Half an hour after reaching the other side, we arrived at the ocean.

Tall palms leaned over the calm water, and pastel Portuguese-style houses could be seen through bushes. Occasionally, a dog would run out and bark at us for disturbing the quiet.

In late afternoon we pulled into Calangute. My fellow travellers collected their gear and dispersed in twos and threes. I'd never noticed before—was I the only one travelling alone?

"Bye," I said, waving to the German women as they dragged away a duffel bag. "Ciao," I said to an Italian couple after lifting a backpack onto a back.

Now what do I do?

The blue Mercedes bus seemed friendly and familiar. I hesitated to leave it. I looked around. It was parked in a paved square near the sea. The sun was almost down. Soon the drivers, Tom and Julian, with whom I'd barely spoken during the voyage, were the only ones left by the bus. Tom, an American, with red hair and pale skin, leaned against the rear of the vehicle. Julian, an Englishman with shoulder-length brown curls, stood next to him. I knew they'd been driving Freak buses back and forth from Athens to Amsterdam, but this was their first trip to India. Suddenly alone after weeks with fellow trail mates, I began to find Tom appealing. I looked once more around the empty square and back stepped to where he stooped over a rear wheel.

"Is it okay?" I asked.

He knocked the tire with his sandaled foot and looked up. "Sure. We're just, you know, checking that everything's tiptop for the trip to Delhi."

"When are you going?"

"Tomorrow."

"So soon?"

"We'll be back in ten days. We plan to, you know, return here for a vacation after making a bit more money driving."

I hung around until they locked the bus, and then the three of us went to an outdoor restaurant. We watched the sky darken pinkish over the beach. I leaned toward Tom and asked, "Where are you staying tonight?"

"I guess you know, find a room somewhere."

"Can I stay with you?"

The freckles on his cheeks shifted as his face crinkled in delight. "Sure."

After dinner the three of us took a walk to the beach and then back around the square. Palm leaf shacks, called chai shops, edged the asphalted area. Chai means "tea" in Hindi, and though they probably did have tea, from their many misspelled signs I gathered that they specialized in milkshakes flavoured with the fruit of the season, the current one being mango. The chai shops were full of travellers, barefoot, tanned, with hair that had that bristly, salt-water look. As we strolled, Julian kicked along a coconut shell. A curl fell in front of his eyes when he looked down. Cute. Meanwhile, Tom's arm leaned heavily across my shoulders. Annoyingly, he kept trapping my hair under his arm.

When Julian left us, Tom beamed at me. "I've been, you know, waiting to sleep in a real bed for six weeks now."

"Me too," I answered, as much aroused at the thought of stretching out as by Tom's body.

We found a guest house on the sand behind a chai shop. After weeks bent into a seat, I lolled luxuriously on the narrow bed. Red designs on the bedspread matched the red freckles on Tom. India—I'd made it to India, to Goa. Wow. Even the ocean air smelled of impending adventure. I couldn't wait to wake up in this new place. But, disturbingly, as I lay anticipating morning, I couldn't stop thinking of Julian.

The next day, after breakfast and a quick look at the wide, empty beach extending in both directions, Tom and Julian boarded their bus for the trip to Delhi. Time for me to find my own place to stay. Paul had told us a house in Goa could be rented for as little as seven dollars a month.

"Hey," I shouted to the bus window, "I'm going to find myself a house. You guys can stay with me when you get back." They smiled and waved and drove away, leaving a trail of red dost.

Now what?

I made a tour of the chai shops. Actually, the people there seemed touristy.  They reminded me of the backpackers in Europe, vacationers who'd soon return home with a couple of stories and crates of photographs. Tourists! Where were the Freaks I'd heard about? This was not what I'd expected. Was this it? Was this Goa? Where had Pam and Paul gone?

"Try Anjuna Beach," suggested a man with a camera around his neck and white cream on his nose. "That's where the parties are."

"It’s in Goa?"

"Of course. Goa's a whole state." He took out a guidebook and leafed through it. "See here, it says Goa has eighty-two miles of coast."

"How far is Anjuna Beach?"

"A few hours. You go down this beach to the end. That's Baga. You cross the Baga River, then go over the mountain, and on the other side is Anjuna. Can't miss it."

Mountain? River? Sounded like a real excursion. I made another tour of the chai shops. No, nothing happening there. I decided to check out Anjuna Beach. A Frenchman offered to let me stay overnight in his Baga house and I accepted, enjoying the company for half the journey. I unrolled my sleeping bag on his floor.

I declined his unwanted midnight passes. "Shh, no! I'm sleeping. Goodnight."

Early the next morning, I made my way to the Baga River. The tide was out. Following the Frenchman's instructions, I waded across through shallow water. On the other side was a hill (not a mountain), which I climbed by following a rocky, and in some places nonexistent, path. Halfway down the other side, I had my first view of Anjuna Beach, bordered by another hill about three miles away. I could see only the tops of palm trees and acres of paddy fields. It was getting hot, and the ocean to my left looked welcomingly cool.

The first house I encountered was a chai shop called Joe Banana's. Three steps led to an open porch bordered on either end by cement benches and wooden tables. Scantily clad Freaks sprawled there passing a chillum of hashish. Fat clouds of smoke drifted by. Aha! Now these were a different type of people from those in Calengute. No white-cream noses here. No cameras. No guidebooks. And they had that elusive quality I couldn't put into words. This was it. This was for me. Now I had to find a house.

I tapped the shoulder of a guy with a mass of long curls. "Excuse me," I said, "do you know where I could find a house to rent?"

He gave me a curious smile and stared a second before answering, "You asked me that question before. On Ios, in Greece, outside of town. Remember? You stopped me and asked for directions to a cave. You asked in the exact manner you did now."

Hey! An old friend, almost.

"You're still on the road?" he added, laughing. "I remember thinking you were just a vacationer."

A vacationer! He called me a vacationer. I was crushed. That was like calling me a nine-to-fiver, a worker, a peasant. "No!" I protested in a voice pitched higher than usual. "I've been on the road three and a half YEARS! Before Greece, I lived in a tree house in the SINAI! Before that I was on a KIBBUTZ! And before that I drove ALL OVER EUROPE living in a painted car! It had a big face on the front and an egg on the roof."

"Okay, okay." He laughed some more. "I'm sorry. That's what I thought at the time."

"I found that cave on Ios you directed me to," I continued, still affronted. "Lived there a MONTH. Up on a cliff, with nobody for miles—it wasn't TOURIST season."

"I believe you, I believe you."

"Well . . . so now I need a house. Know of anything?"

"Not right here," said Greek Robert, as he was called. "All the houses are occupied. Everyone wants to five on Anjuna Beach."

"Try in back of the rice paddy," someone suggested in a strained wheeze, holding in a lungful of hash smoke.

I asked Joe Banana, an old, wrinkled Indian wearing gray shorts, but he said the same thing. Beachfront houses were taken. He let me leave my bag in his back room, though, and I set out to explore.

A vacationer. Huh! I was NOT a vacationer. Never had a real job in my life. What kind of drudge did Greek Robert think I was?

Anjuna had no paved roads, only paths created by tramping feat. The thick cover of paling protected me from the sun as I walked. I passed Goan houses made of stones and topped with thatched roofs. Few Goans seemed to five there, though—only Freak foreigners. European women, naked above the waist, lounged in hammocks. They smiled at me as I went by. The men wore a rectangular piece of material called a lungi. It wrapped around the hips to form a skirt. They smiled too. I passed three people bathing at a well. One stood naked and soapy as the other two poured buckets of water over his head.

"Whoa, that's cold," he exclaimed. "Hi there."

"Hi," I answered.

Then reached the beach, I surveyed the scene. Over a hundred people, all naked, sat together soaking sun. A group of tan, naked guys played volleyball. A laugh and a yell reached me as someone crashed into the ocean after a Frisbee.

I felt flurries of excitement grow within me. This looked exactly like what I'd been dreaming of—a community, a Freak community—in par-advice. This was it. Here was a fellowship I could belong to. Here was something to be part of. This would be the place, I just knew it. This was where I'd make my home. I didn't want to five in Calangute or in back of the paddy field, though. I wasn't a worker on vacation. I wanted to five right there, near the sea.

I turned away and walked toward the hill at the other end of Anjuna Beach. A mother pig and a bunch of piglets screamed at my footfalls and scampered away. In a yard, some chickens pecked. A water buffalo lifted its head at me and shivered an ear. I wanted to find a house so badly. I wanted my own territory in that wonderful place. I passed people sitting under trees. Everyone smiled and said hello. I belonged there, I just knew it.

Crossing rocks, I stopped a blonde guy in a lungi coming the other way, carrying an instrument he plucked unmelodiously.

"Excuse me, do you know where I can find a house?"

His answer came in a German accent. "Good timing you have. My name is Ramdas, and I am leaving for Poona. You can have mine until I return."

"Oh, really? Where is it?"

"Right on the beach. I will show you. It is a marvelous house."

First Season in Goa

1975 — 1976

YES, IT WAS A MARVELOUS house, and only a ten-minute walk from the south end of Anjuna Beach, where the crowd gathered. Ramdas left the next afternoon, and by the day after that I was settled in. As I opened the shutters facing the sea on my third morning as an Anjuna resident, a crow whizzed by. Its "caw, caw" mixed with the squeaking sound of someone drawing water from a well. "Oh', I love this place already," I thought,' as I prepared to step out of my seaside abode.

I put the lock on the door, opened my purple parasol, lifted the hem of my ankle-length purple dress, and stepped over the boulders that separated the sand of my yard from the sand of the beach. Though starting daintily, I had to sprint the last few yards to the sea to cool the burning soles of my feet. The water barely pulsated against the shore. Not a wave in sight. I hitched my dress another inch and proceeded south through the water. Nobody swam in the middle or at the north end of the beach, partly because of the rocky bottom, but mostly because the south end was the place to be. As I approached the hill that marked the southern boundary of Anjuna, I could see tanned, naked bodies lying in the sun. Aside from a few isolated groups of twos and threes, everyone collected in one big troupe. Near where the shore met the palm trees, the volleyball net had been set up. I watched a naked guy serve the ball. His penis bobbed as he jumped back against the force of his fist. To my right, three people bounded into the ocean in a chorus of shrieks.

I slowed my steps and desperately scanned faces. Maybe I could find Greek Robert or one of the people Ramdas had introduced me to. I'd the if I reached the end of the beach without finding a place to sit. That would brand me a tourist, new to the scene. I was NOT a vacationer.

"Hi, Cleo!"

Saved! I looked toward the waving arm. It belonged to Saddhu George, an American I'd met the day before at Joe Banana's. I recognized the blonde, matted hair reaching to his naked waist. He wasn't really a saddhu, the Indian term for a holy man. Supposedly, at one time in the past he'd relinquished his possessions and stopped combing his hair to wander through the hills of India in search of inner knowledge. He had given up that holy life, though, his matted strands the only sign left of his spiritual foray. Much relieved, I veered around sunning bodies and laid a piece of cloth next to him.

"Hi, George. What's new?" As I folded the parasol and took off my dress, I noticed that the most popular Anjuna faces were nearby. Good. This was an excellent Spot. Saddhu George's quest and his long stay in India had bestowed upon him respect and notoriety. I longed to be an insider too.

"Are you going to the party tonight?" he asked.

"Where is it?"

"At Bombay Brian's. On Joe Banana's hill, third house from the sea." THUMP. A Frisbee slid by. George scooped it up and ran to the shoreline to throw it back.

"Want a drag?" asked a guy offering me a joint.

Though I'd smoked marijuana during my teens, lately both it and hash made me confused and paranoid. I accepted the offer but tried to inhale as little of the smoke as possible.

In the States one takes a drag of a joint and passes it on, but I'd noticed in India, with hash abundant and legal, one held onto it as long as possible, even if it meant finishing it off. I took another hit, this time trying to blow out instead of in. That made the end glow and look like I'd inhaled.

"Do you five around here?" I asked him, looking at the joint that, unfortunately, was only a third gone.

"At the other end. And you?"

"Just down from here," I answered. "You can see it. That white house over there. As I turned my face to point, I faked another drag. I could already feel the effect of the little I'd smoked. I didn't like it. "That's Ramdas's house. How did you get that? It's almost impossible to rent on the beach end of Anjuna."

"Ran into him on his way to Poona. Guess that means I was meant to live here."

I took another minipuff and figured I could appropriately hand the joint hack now. It seemed to take him forever to pry it from my fingers. Then he said something I couldn't understand. "What?" I asked. It made no more sense when he repeated it. "Water; swim," I said standing up besides confusing me, hash affected my ability to form grammatical sentences.

I headed down the—now enormous—distance to the sea. I swam out past the other swimmers, then turned and surveyed the beach. Not a leaf moved on the palm trees. Only three houses could be seen, one of them mine. I lay on the water, closed my eyes, and floated.

I must have stayed there quite a while. By the time I swam in, the ends of my fingers were pruny and I could think straight. When I returned to the beach, I found George lying on his  lungi. Adorable. A baby face topped his thin Body, tanned dark bronze. I sprinkled water on him.

"Oh, feels good," he said. He wet his hand on my leg and patted it over his chest.

"Like it? Here's more." I leaned over to throw drops on his back.

He watched me. "Want to go with me to Joe Banana's for a coconut milkshake?" he asked. "Then Show you my house. It's behind those trees."

"Sure."

He wrapped his  lungi around his hips to form a sexy wrapping that hung halfway to his knees. After putting on my dress, I opened the parasol, lifted my hem, and followed him toward the trees. Eeh, ah, oh—hot sand. I ran ahead and waited for him in the shade. In that form. I must have looked like the cartoon Road Runner charging forward, a tourist with virgin soles. How long would my feet take to adjust? We headed inland.

Joe Banana's, no more than a glorified shack, formed the center of  Anjuna Beach activity. The mail went there. Since there were no street names or house numbers, a mailman couldn't do anything more complicated. I joined Saddhu George in his letter-by-letter search through a cardboard box hanging from the roof, though there could be no mail for me yet. There was none for him either, and we sat at a rickety table on the porch.

As I sipped a milkshake and waved at the fly trying to Land on my glass, a continuous flow of people browsed through the letter box. Many stopped by our table to offer gossip and report the contents of their mail. News of the party passed from nationality to nationality.

"Who's that?" I asked George as a tall, beautiful blonde with a pink flower behind her ear mounted the steps for a postal search.

"That's Norwegian Monica. Hi, Monica!"

"Hi, George," she answered in a tuneful accent.

"You just get in from Ibiza?"

"Yup." The beauty found herself an aerogramme.

"There's a party tonight at Bombay Brian's."

"Hoo, boy! I can say hello to everybody I haven't seen since last season."

After a while we left for George's place. The soft earth coated my feet with red powder. The air was hot and dry, and I felt very comfortable as I swirled my parasol, its wooden handle rotating against my shoulder. I was ready for George.

He lived in a tiny house above the beach where we'd been sunbathing and shared it with someone named Amsterdam Dean. I asked for the toilet.

He turned and pointed inland. "Go straight and keep walking. You'll find it. Here, take the  loti."

He filled the brass container from a clay tub of water in front of the house. I took the  loti, though I had no intention of using it—I had a roll of toilet paper in my bag. The sewage system of Anjuna Beach consisted of raised platforms with holes over which one squatted. Disposal came in the shape of a pig that had its own passage to the underside of the hole. Whatever went through the hole was to be eaten by the pig. From the day I'd arrived in Goa, I'd been reminded PIGS DO NOT EAT PAPER. We were supposed to use water to clean ourselves, not toilet paper. I tried it once. Not for me. I didn't care if paper was bad for the environment: some vestiges of civilization I had no intention of giving up. In this regard, let them call me tourist, barbarian, or JAP. I preferred industrial society's way.

George's toilet was quite a trek away and had only three walls. This left the front open to every passing eye. I tried to string my piece of material across it. I looked around. All was empty and still. So I climbed in and lifted my skirt. Before heading back, I emptied the  loti and felt only slightly guilty about leaving the wad of toilet paper.

I found George sprawled on a bright, satin-covered mattress on the floor. The room was strictly Anjuna decor—walls cloaked in Afghani and Indian tapestries and Tibetan paintings; mattresses overflowing with satin pillows; and a floor of straw mats over dong.

"Hi."

"Hi."

I dropped my belongings in a corner and sank into his arms. His skin was sun-warm and soft. My leg fit perfectly around his. When he turned his head downward to meet mine in a kiss, a scratchy lock of his matted hair fell over my shoulder. My fingers felt the flaky residue of salt water as they traced the inside of his leg. Mmmm . . .

We separated so I could take off my dress, and he removed his  lungi with a twist and a fling. Before he leaned back over me, he took the front strands of his hair and tied them in a knot behind his head. Then he pressed himself against me again, and I heard the sound of his knee crunch on the straw mat.

We'd only been lying, locked and still, a few moments when Amsterdam Dean came through the open doorway.

"Pharaoh got in last night. You should see the speakers he brought.

Man! New tapes too. Hello."

"Hi," I answered, lifting a leg off George's back to wig my foot at him. George disentangled from me and went outside. I could hear him scoop water from the clay tub and wash.

"Want coffee?" Dean offered, kneeling in the corner over a kerosene burner.

"No, thanks." I dressed and told George I'd see him later at the party.

I returned to the beach to find that most of the group had left. I met an  American named Richard sitting cross-legged and nude, concentrating deeply on a Chinese game called Go,  and a slinky French-Vietnamese named Georgette.

I felt glorious as I ran into the sea to wash the sticky mess from between my legs. What an existence. This was the life I'd been bred for—relaxed and self-indulgent. I could do this forever. Back on the shore, my new friends tried to talk me out of going home to change.

"No, stay for the sunset," said Richard.

"Yes, you must stay for the sunset," added Georgette.

I stayed.

In groups and one by one, the beach refilled with Freaks. Their long hair flying loose, the men came in  lungis. The women wore long flowing skirts, and many were bare-chested. Both males and females were loaded with antique Indian silver jewellery on ankles, arms, necks, and waists. They lounged on the sand and focused on where the sun turned red as it touched the water. Pink snaked across the sky. Purple. Orange. People gossiped in lowered tones, almost whispers. A hint of reverence glinted in their eyes as they looked at the colours rather than at each other. From a variety of mostly Western countries, the Goa Freaks were young people who'd rejected their home fives and homelands and had come to India to create a new way of life. The communal sunset was a ritualistic part of it.

None of the Goa Freaks spoke about their families or countries of origin. As if their fives began the day they'd hit the road, reasons for their expatriotism remained private. The past belonged to the straight world they'd renounced. From their speech and mannerisms, though, you could tell they came from comfortable middle-class backgrounds, with well-balanced meals and well-rounded educations. They looked beautiful and healthy, and rich too, covered as they were in silver. They seemed to have it all.

I wanted it too.

I wanted desperately to be one of them. How could I support myself to five in Goa? Would I be able to model in Bombay? I didn't want to five in Bombay, though; I wanted to five on Anjuna Beach. How did the Goa Freaks make their money?

As the sun disappeared, people made plans for dinner. "Come with us to Gregory's restaurant," said Richard.

Great. Thrilled to be part of the gang, I put aside functional worries.

Waving to dark shapes, we left the beach to a litany of "See you at the party" and headed inland. I turned on the flashlight I'd learned to carry at all times. Richard waxed a candle to half a coconut shell. Surprisingly, his contraption produced more light than my modern one, and it didn't extinguish as we walked. To reach the restaurant, we had to cross a corner of the paddy field, jump a ravine, and pussyfoot through a ruin.

Gregory's restaurant attracted customers by having the only delicious food in Anjuna. Gregory, another wrinkly Indian, had been a cook at the French embassy in Delhi, which accounted for his gourmet fare. Set in a garden of tropical flowers, the outdoor restaurant consisted of four wobbly wooden tables with benches and one small, wobbly plastic one with plastic chairs. The miracle of electricity had not yet graced Anjuna Beach, so petrol—kerosene pump-lamps—hung strategically from trees. A lopsided blackboard leaned against a wall misspelling the day's specials: carrot soup, prawns in wine sauce, and apricots and cream.

We entered the kitchen to order and then joined a table. At the head sat Alehandro, big and bare-chested. According to rumour, Alehandro belonged to an aristocratic family in Spain but had been banished from the country. No one knew anything else of his past, and no one would ask.

"Oh," he exclaimed loudly to me before pounding Richard on the back. "Ola, hombre, you want smoke chillum? You have hash?" Richard offered him a dusky, halvah-textured rectangle, which he took and smelled. "What's this?" He sniffed again. "Afghani?" A deeper sniff. "Afghani, no?"

Alehandro moved aside an empty soup bowl and began the chillum making ritual, a ritual to be seen repeatedly throughout Anjuna. He emptied a cigarette's tobacco onto the table and, holding a match under the hash, broke the hash into bits that he sprinkled over the tobacco. Then he filled a six-inch chillum with the mixture. Next came a nicotine-stained rag that he wrapped around the clay pipe's base. Richard lit three long matches and held them to the top of the pipe.

"BOMBOLAI!" yelled Alehandro at the top of his voice before puffing out clouds of smoke. A loud and resounding  "BOMBOLAI!"— or  "BOM SHANKAR!"—was a blessing recited over hash whenever a chillum was lit. The louder it was said, the better.

Inevitably, the chillum was passed to me. I'd recently learned how to hold the awkward device and was eager to show off my style. I wrapped the rag, held the base just so, and cupped my other hand around it to block unwanted air holes. I took a little hit, again trying less to inhale and more to blow out so the top would light up. Luckily, this was a pass-it deal, and the business with the rag and the complex hand positions required such deft manoeuvres that, by the time the pipe came around again, the food had arrived. I declined. Uh! The tobacco had made me dizzy, and my fork now weighed a ton. I really had to stop smoking that stuff.

The tables filled up; greetings and news echoed back and forth. I heard again about Pharaoh's new speakers, which were compared exhaustively to the ones someone else had brought the year before. Everyone planned to go to the party.

After dinner I headed back to the beach with Richard. I dropped him off and walked alone by the sea. A piece of moon had appeared in the sky, so I shut off the flashlight. The sand shone bright and white against the pointy outline of palms. Occasionally a wave surrounded my feet with warm water. I raised my arms to embrace the night with the rapture I felt. Hello, stars. I stopped. I spun around. I sank to the sand, rolled in it, and tossed a handful in the air. I felt more satisfied than ever in my life. I'd found a home.

Nine days after I arrived in Anjuna, Tom and Julian were scheduled to return. I spent the morning on the beach with my growing assortment of friends and then, after a final dip in the ocean, prepared for the hike to Calangute. I wasn't sure I wanted to be with Tom again. Did I really want to share my wonderful house with those two guys? Would they hamper my efforts to assimilate as a Goa Freak? On the other hand, I sizzled with excitement to show them how I'd settled into the Anjuna Beach scene.

"Had enough sun?" asked Norwegian Monica as I tugged a white dress over my head. Her blue eyes squinted as she raised herself on an elbow. Perspiration speckled the tattoo of a butterfly on her naked left breast.

"I'm going to Calangute to meet some friends," I told her. "You should have left earlier. Hoo, boy—it's hot now."

"Oops, I hadn't thought of that. Oh, well." On my head, I draped the headdress given to me by a Bedouin in the Sinai. To hold it in place, I used a necklace with a metal teardrop I let hang over my forehead. "Maybe see you later at Gregory's."

"Okay.”

I stopped at Joe Banana's to check for mail. Nothing, of course. It was still too early. Old friends back home and the new ones I'd met on the road would only now be receiving postcards with the new address, but I enjoyed rummaging through the box anyway. It made me feel like an inhabitant. I nodded and said hello to familiar and unfamiliar faces hanging out on the porch. Joe Banana gave me a missing-tooth smile before I entered the bushes behind his chai shop and began the ascent.

As soon as I entered the Calangute square I saw the bus. I found Tom and Julian after a round of the chai shops.

"Well, hi," said Tom. "We were just wondering, you know, how to find you."

I told them about Anjuna Beach and the house.

"How many rooms?" Tom asked.

"Two little ones, a big one facing the sea, a big halt, a big kitchen." Tom was crinkling at me again. I noticed the exposed ears under his short hair. He looked so straight. "Calangute is boring, but wait till you see Anjuna Beach," I continued. "That's where the Freaks five. Hundreds and hundreds of them. Nobody wears clothes. We throw all the parties. Are you ready to go? It's a long walk."

"How long?"

"Oh, across the river and over a mountain."

"Mountain? Why don't we, you know, take the bus?"

"No, NO! Anjuna Beach doesn't have roads!" I said indignantly. "It's not for TOURISTS! You'll have to get used to a lot of walking. It's the only way to get around. Come on, come on. Let's go."

Shouldering canvas bags, they locked the bus, and we set out in the sun. Exhilarated, I marched ahead while Tom and Julian dragged their feet heavily through the sand. I could have zigzagged through the shade, but I didn't.

"I have a friend here in Baga," I announced an hour later, turning backwards to face them. Tom's nose and cheeks glistened red, and a glow of sweat hung from his chin. He wasn't enjoying the hike one little bit. "Hey, did you know Goa has eighty-two miles of coast?" I added. "There's the Baga River!"

Uh-oh. The tide was in. We couldn't wade across now.

"Do you expect us to, you know, swim?" Tom grumbled when he saw it.

Undaunted, I turned my crew inland and hoped I'd run into the ferry I'd heard was upriver somewhere. After a detour through what looked like a swamp, I did. A canoe. An old, shabby canoe on the other side of the river. We waved and shouted, but the ancient man in the stern didn't notice. Tom cursed and gave me a displeased look. Finally, the Goan saw us and pushed a pole to drift the canoe over to our side.

"Are you sure this is, you know, safe?" Tom asked, appraising the beat-up boat. "I still think we should have, you know, taken the bus."

"Of course it's safe," I answered, not totally convinced.

I sank my bare feet in mud to climb into the decrepit raft. ???oozed into Tom's sandals and stained the bottom of his jeans. As we took seats one in front of the other, we watched the bottom of the boat fill with water.

"If we tip over, my passport will get, you know, ruined. There must be a better way to get there," Tom said, still complaining. What a whiner.

The man poled us across. Barefoot, Julian sat in the front and trailed his arm over the side. At least HE wasn't objecting to this adventure. When we reached the other side, Tom looked relieved.

"Now we go up," I announced.

By the time we arrived at the top of the hill, Tom was bathed in sweat. He threw me more nasty looks.

"There it is!" I said, jumping excitedly. "That's Anjuna. Isn't it beautiful? I five halfway to the far hill. About there is Norwegian Monica's house. Oh, and see that roof sticking out of the trees? That's Bombay Brian's house. He had a great party the other night. Must have been two hundred people squeezed inside. Over there is Kurt's Tree. Kurt's been living under that tree for years, and over that way is Eight-Finger Eddy's Porch. It's actually a ruin, but a zillion people are always hanging out there, and sometimes Eddy hosts a flea market. Hey, where did Tom go?"

I found him in the shade sitting on a boulder. "Is there a place nearby where we can, you know, get a drink?" he asked.

"Sure. We'll stop at Joe's. Here, let me carry that."

I brought them to Joe Banana's, where we collapsed on a bench. As we drank our milkshakes, I couldn't help comparing him to the Anjuna people. Look at that watch! At least Julian had removed his.

"What's that?" Tom asked someone, nodding at a rolled, vegetable looking thing.

"It's a  beedie. Indian tobacco wrapped in a leaf. Want one?"

"No, I don't smoke. I was just, you know, curious."

"Can I try one?" asked Julian.

Oh, no! How embarrassing. Now everybody would think we were three tourists. "Come on," I said. "Let's go. We're almost there."

I led them along paths I now knew by heart. I stopped and pointed out houses, wells, bushes, rock, buffalo.  ". . .  And that's the Monkey chai shop, there's really a monkey there. . . . Oh, and beware of those thorny plants. One took a bite of my velvet dress the other night. Look, look! You can still see a piece of material on it! That's my dress!"

We were all half-dead by the time we reached the house, but I forced them on a tour. "This is the kitchen. Please notice the hanging basket. You must bang your food from the ceiling or within minutes an ant will zero in on it."

"Where's the bathroom?"

I slid open the wooden bolt and swung wide the kitchen door as if unveiling the Mona Lisa. "Ta-daaa," I chanted. "There it is. Down in the well."

"Where's the, you know, door?" asked Tom.

"No door. Many toilets are like that, only closed on three sides. You'll get used to it. Wait till you see the pig rooting around under you, waiting to be fed. That's the taxing part. The pig's so disappointed when you only pee."

Julian placed his bag in a small room, while Tom brought his to the big one. For a while the three of us chatted as the sun dipped and coloured the sky outside the window. Tom turned me off. I didn't want to be with him. I didn't like his voice. I didn't like his smile. I didn't like his shoulders. His every move grated on my nerves. But Julian, smaller and thinner, charmed me. Curls fell over his face as he lay sideways on his elbow and chased a dying bug around the candle. I liked his English accent.

We went to bed early. "No," I told Tom. "I'm not in the mood."

The next morning Tom took the bus to the town of Panjim for repairs. He'd be gone overnight. Glad to see him go, I brought Julian to the south end beach.

"Hi, Monica. This is Julian." I introduced him around and watched him undress. Mmmmmm. Very nice. How do I accomplish this? I smiled at him.

Around noon, the hot sun urged the sun bathers into the sea. I followed Julian in and threw seaweed at him. It clung to his neck, a slimy strand of it sticking on his cheek. Laughing, he threw it back.

That night Julian and I sat in my room and talked. He smoked a  beedie. I  watched his hand pick at lumps of wax around a candle. He stuck a finger in the melted liquid and let it harden on his nail. The curl hung over his eyes. He wants to go to Amsterdam in the spring, he was saying. I leaned into a cushion and stared at him. He was only inches away. "I don’t have an apartment in Amsterdam, since I spend most of the time on the motorway," he continued. "I stay with friends or sleep in the Sunshine Bus office."

I grinned at the cute way he said "office," the "o" like a balloon shaped object popping out his mouth. He looked at me.

"Why don't you sleep in here tonight?" I suggested.

He fetched his sleeping bag and zipped it to mine. We climbed in and faced each other. The oversized shadow of a moth bounced across the wall in the candlelight. Tom's presence grew in the space between us. I crossed the ghost and touched Julian. His arm was soft with light hairs. Our heads moved together, and our bodies met.

When Tom returned the next day, it didn't take him long to figure out what happened. He moved his bag into the other room. Julian stayed with me.

*

One day, news came of a party at Dayid and Ashley's house on the northern end of Anjuna. I'd seen Dayid and Ashley on the beach and at a flea market. They were Super Couple. Dayid, an Australian, sported a drooping moustache and very long hair in brown and silver streaks. He wore silver belts around his waist and turquoise jewellery on his wrists and neck. I especially remembered Ashley from the flea market. Canadian, blonde, and sleekly beautiful, she'd paraded topless in a wispy skirt and floppy hat. People raved about the interior decoration of Dayid and Ashley's house, and I'd heard stories about the party they'd had the year before. Everyone expected this year's bash to be no less spectacular. News of the gala event travelled the beaches of Goa.

That night, I took care dressing. With imported food colouring, I dyed the bottom half of my hair blue, something I hadn't done since Amsterdam. My eyes sparkled with red glitter. Tom, Julian, and I set out.

Unfamiliar with the northern end of the beach, we stumbled through the paddy fields. Mounds bordered each family's field and had to be clambered over. The moon hadn't come out yet, and our flashlights and coconut lamps lit only slivers of the dry, cracked earth. After climbing up and over a countless number of mounds, we were no longer sure in which direction we were headed. When we finally dragged ourselves out of the fields, we were lost.  Which way's north? Where had that path gone?

Who knows how long we'd have blundered through the underbrush if we hadn't run into other people headed for the party. More familiar with the terrain, they led us to a paved road. A road?

"I thought you said there were no, you know, roads in Anjuna," remarked Tom in a mocking tone.

I ignored him.

"That way goes to Vagator," explained one of our guides. "Over there's the bus stop. The bus will take you to Mapusa. Or you could hire a motorcycle and driver."

Without asking questions I found out Mapusa was the closest town. It had a Post office, marketplace, pharmacies . . .

Down the road, we heard music. We passed a wooden fence and saw lights flicker through the trees. We entered a gate and wended down a gravel path.  "BOMBOLAI!" came loudly from various directions as chillums flared. Clusters of people sat grouped around candles planted in the sand.  "BOMBOLAI!" Music blared. Soon we had to shift and sidestep through wildly moving dancers. Dressed in glitter, silks, and tassels, hundreds of Freaks swayed to the Beat.  "BOM SHANKAR!" A fieldstone house came into view. On its circular porch, a band played, wiggling, wagging, bobbing up and down.

"Let's find somewhere, you know, to sit," Tom yelled.

"Over here," shouted Julian. "Did we remember to bring a candle?"

I surveyed the colourful dancing figures, the band; the porch cluttered with amplifiers, the woman in the doorway tapping a tambourine on her hip, the guy leaning out the window. I didn't want to sit; I wanted to roam.

"I’ll be back," I said and headed toward the house.

Rhythmically I meandered through the dancers, recognizing no one. As I edged closer to the hand, I noticed again the people leaning, out the windows. Inside the house—that's where the Anjuna people would be; outside was for tourists and people from other beaches. I belonged with the Goa Freaks. But the band prevented access to the front door. How to enter?

Dancing round the side, I found the kitchen blocked by a feathered and bedecked crowd. I squeezed by a woman with purple paint on her face and purple sparkles in her hair and entered the kitchen. Through a hallway of gyrating forms, I inched to a front room and spotted Norwegian Monica. I joined her. What a room! Brightly coloured saris climbed the walls to the rafters. More saris were draped from the roof, giving a tent effect. Small, round mirrors sewn into an intricate Rajasthani artwork over the doorway reflected candlelight. The room was packed with people sitting and lying on satin cushions. Across from me sat Dayid and Ashley, holding court. Dayid wore burgundy velvet pants and a full-length burgundy velvet cape over his bare chest. Embroidered in gold on the back of the cape was a crab. Ashley—in a silk Jean Harlow dress—held a gilded mirror an her lap. She was chopping cocaine.

Though I'd gone through a speed-freak phase in my teen years, I'd never tried cocaine before coming to Goa Lately I'd been doing a lot of it, though since it was the centre of Anjuna parties and get-togethers. I loved the stuff.

"Shambo, man. Want a line?" Shambo was an Indian greeting, and I turned to find a dark guy next to Monica proffering a mirror with lines of coke. I took it and the rolled-up hundred-rupee note in his other hand. "My name is Kabir," he said. "Nice party, man, don't you think?"

I leaned over and snorted a line through the ML "Great" I snorted a second line. "This house is fantastic. Where are you from?"

"I'm from Algeria, man, and this is my house." He wiped the end of his nose, checking that no white powder dangled from it.

"I thought this was Dayid and Ashley's house."

"It is. Dayid and I are partners, man. This is their room, mine is on the other side. Want to see? Come."

I was dying to ask what kind of business he and Dayid were in. The Goa Freaks seemed so wealthy. Besides the oodles of jewelery they wore, they continually mentioned exotic places they'd just returned from. And the enormous amount of drugs they gave out! That alone must have cost a fortune. But I didn't ask I didn't want to seem a naive tourist.

Fewer people partied in the other room "Shampo, man," Kadir said to someone as they exchanged a slap-slap, over-and-under double handshake.

As we sat on a floor mattress, he took out a silver vial. With a silver spoon, he presented my nostril with more coke.

"Hi, Kadir," shouted someone excitedly, seeing what we were doing. "Cool party." He sat with us just in time for a snort.

"Kadir, mon cheri, let me have some of that," said Georgette, who had green stars glued to her cheeks. She and her friend also joined us. The room soon filled with eager noses. Now it was as crowded as the other had been.

After a while I wandered back to Dayid and Ashley's and squeezed into a spot in time to be passed the mirror again. After two more lines I handed it on. Nearby, a guy leaned over a folded piece of paper from which he scooped white powder into someone's nose with his long fingernail He scooped some into the next person's nose and then came to me.

"Want some MDA?" he asked, holding his powder-covered nail in front of my face.

"Sure." I inhaled. Although hash and marijuana male me paranoid and confused, I'd never had trouble with LSD or other hallucinogens like MDA. The next thing I knew, I floated out the' door and over the music. Sand swashed through my bare toes. The hair of a twirling dancer broke off and sailed past me like a rocket ship. Whoa! I met Tom and Julian. "Hi, where've you been?" one of them asked.

"Want some MDA?" asked a guy holding another packet of the powder.

"No, thanks," answered Tom.

"Just a tiny bit," said Julian.

"Sure," I said when the guy aimed the spoon at me. I inhaled and swirled away.

The candles in the sand rainbowed beams of colour. So did the stars. I didn't think. I just felt. I didn't have to think. There was nothing in the world I had to do. I could just be. Just feel. Feel the air brush my skin as I moved through it. Feel the thud of bass drums in my bones. Forms, colours, sound. I didn't know what anything was. Nothing had a name. But everything was safe, and I knew that if I really wanted to, I could identify that colour and texture as a "tree." But I didn't have to, so I didn't.

Suddenly, something horrible entered my consciousness. A noise. A horrible, loud noise. I focused. I had danced behind the house and up the hill to where the generator was. The big machine supplied power to the musical instruments. My nails vibrated from the excruciating sound of it. I danced away.

Over the next few hours I returned to Dayid and Ashley's room periodically to wait for the coke to come around. It was never long before it did.

Even with coke energy, it cost a supreme effort to move an arm, leg, or hand: My body felt as if it belonged to a gargantuan prehistoric animal. But I felt cosy and joyous and completely entranced by the friendly, shimmering sights. Sometimes I communicated with someone near me. With everyone equally stoned on MDA, mostly we only grunted at each other.

At one point I noticed my image in the coke mirror.

"Oh, shit, what's that?"

"Don't get hung up looking in the mirror," a voice from somewhere advised me. It seemed like good counsel. I passed the mirror on. For a while I watched the movements of skin cells in my finger tips. The sun came up.

Alas, things began to identify themselves. That was the sky out there. Those were palms trees. This was a day.

Around noon I decided to go home. The band still played for the colourful people dancing outside, now in sunlight. I navigated through the gate and onto the road. Not a thing on it. However, it was a road, and I assigned a piece of my mind the job of keeping alert for something on wheels. I let the rest of me trail behind. When I reached the house, I found the front door open and Tom and Julian sitting inside.

"Hi, there," one of them said.

"I'm-really-stoned-I'm-very-tired-I'm-going-to-sleep-good-night."

I dragged my sleeping bag to another room and melted on it. As I slipped into sleep I heard the chunking sound of someone chopping coconuts. The smell of roasting  chapatti blew over me on a sea breeze. Yes, this had to be the best place on the planet. A bird screeched, "Oook . Oook, Oook."

What a life in Anjuna Beach! Warm, salty, sandy, swimming, surfing, dancing, lazy, and stoned. Weeks went by like one long day. No one possessed a clock. The only schedule was that of the moon—sometimes there was no moon, and at night you needed something to light your way to the toilet; and sometimes the parties on the beach were specifically in celebration of the full moon. No day had a name, though once I accidentally discovered it was Sunday by going into Mapusa. With Goa predominantly Christian, the market was closed.

December was the most crowded time of the year, and as it approached, more and more parties took place, until there was one on the beach every night. Not far from my house, the music seeped through the walls.

Tom and Julian left periodically for trips to Delhi and back. In the meantime I fell into the Anjuna routine—days in the sun; the communal sunset; Gregory's restaurant for dinner; visiting; and parties. Endless parties. I became a regular at Dayid and Ashley's, where a crowd always gathered. I didn't know the people they told stories about, nor could I relate to their tales of riding camel caravans through the desert, joining  buskazi games in Afghanistan, or touring opal mines in central Australia. (But, hey. I'd lived in a cave in Greece, and I'd passed through Kabul on the bus!) For the most part I sat and listened, terribly impressed. And snorted the coke that came around. The coke at Dayid and Ashley's flowed freely and continually. Before leaving for a party, Dayid would till a silver vial to last him and Ashley and their entourage through the night. How did these people make their money?

The Anjuna Beach hierarchy sorted itself out to me—those with a lot of coke, those with some, and those with none. The people with quantity formed the focal points of social situations, and we others fluttered between them. As soon as someone pulled out a stash, five or six people materialized out of nowhere. "Ho, man. What's happening?"

The ritual was to coke out every night, for the whole night, and not to stay too long with any particular group. The coke made the parties wildly energetic. Two snorts and I'd dance ecstatically for twenty minutes or so, until the effects wore off, at which point it took only a quick gaze around to see who was digging into a stash. I'd pop over, extend my nostril, and be set for another round.

When Julian was in Goa, I'd drag him with me as I hunted the spoon. We'd be dancing in the sand and I'd get the urge: time for more coke. I'd pull him along as I searched the crowd. When I'd find a turn-on in progress, I'd yank him into the circle as I chose a good spot to be next in line for an offering.

One night, after accepting the usual free LSD that circulated the beach parties, I had a revelation. Julian and I were sitting atop a deal palm trunk that had fallen on its side. Though it was night, brightness reflected off the sand. Air molecules floated by.

"OH! What have I been doing?" I exclaimed all of a sudden.  "Hustling coke! I've been hustling coke and dragging you around with me. Oh, how ugly. Isn't that ugly?" Julian looked surprised. I continued, "How can you stand me? I run around sticking my nose in people's faces. Isn't that what I've been doing?"

He smiled. "That seems to be the way here."

"It's horrible. I'm sorry. Am I horrible?"

"Don't worry about it, everybody's doing the same thing."

"But I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be a grubber. A hustler. A parasite. I want to be the one giving out the drugs."

When we left the tree stump, we joined German Jerry and German Monica on the rocks overlooking the crowd. On top of another rock danced Norwegian Monica in a long white dress with sparkly gold cords streaming from her hair. There seemed to be a rule that when two people had the same name, a qualifying adjective was given to both. Hence there was German Monica and Norwegian Monica, German Jerry and Jerry Schultz, Greek Robert and Junky Robert, Eight-Finger Eddy and Big Eddy.

Soon, German Jerry offered me some of the coke that, of course. I'd known he had and that, of course, I accepted.

*

In January Tom and Julian were scheduled to journey overland back to Amsterdam. When Ramdas, the guy whose house I lived in, returned from Poona, I decided to go with Julian to Delhi to say goodbye to him there.

Arriving in Bombay, Tom again parked the bus by the Taj Mahal Hotel. We were to be in town a few days while they bought spare parts needed for the trip to Europe. As soon as they left to investigate garages, I went to the Taj's lathes' room to wash off the Goan red dirt. Then, after buying a paperback in the bookstore, I adjoined to the fancy coffee shop for a dreamed-of hamburger. Beneath the mirrored Rajasthani tapestry hanging from the walls, a turbaned waiter bowed me into a seat. The ends of the silverware were shaped like elephants.

"May I join you?" came a smooth, accented voice. I glanced above the tasselled menu to see a prim Indian in a business suit. He introduced himself and sat opposite me, pushing aside the starched napkin forming a tower before him.

"You are staying here at the Taj?" Prim Indian asked.

"Oh, no. I can't afford this place. I'm living in a bus."

"A bus! No. Not really?"

Beneath carved ivory elephants and tigers, we sat in the coffee shop all afternoon talking over the gin and tonics he bought me. "But you cannot sleep in a bus," he stated later. "You are a visitor to my country. I want that you have a good impression." Prim Indian insisted I let him get me a room in the hotel.

"Oh, no. I couldn't accept that," I said, probing to see if I could actually get away with it. A room at the Taj. Wow.

"You have nothing to worry. My friend is the manager here. I will not disturb you. I merely want that you have a pleasant memory of your holiday."

How could I refuse a room at the Taj Mahal Hotel? He did say "nothing to worry."

As the costumed bellboy took hold of the dusty sleeping bag packed full of my clothes, I said goodbye to Prim Indian and arranged to meet him for dinner. The elevator was as tasselled and tapestried as the coffee shop.

In the room the thick rug tickled the bottoms of my feet, calloused from barefoot Anjuna walking. An arched balcony overlooked the bay, but the three-foot tassel that hung between a curve in the curtain blocked the view. Wow. I couldn't wait to tell Julian.

Late that afternoon, I stood by the bus dodging the outstretched hands of beggars. I ran to meet Julian as he came down the street. "Guess what? We have a room at the Taj!"

"What? At the TAJ?"

I ignored the Look Tom gave the sky as if searching for my spaceship. "I met a nice Indian man. I'm going to dinner with him, but meet you afterward. About ten? How's that?"

"Who is this man?"

"Oh, a man. I've got to go get ready." I kissed his neck and bit his shoulder. "We have a room at the Taj!" I did a little dance, kissed him again, and hurried off.

At six o'clock I met Prim Indian in the hotel bar, where a sign declared, PERMIT HOLDERS ONLY. Indians needed a special license to drink in the state of Maharastra, a "dry" state. Goa, on the other hand, was a "wet" state—anyone could drink there. We had a few gin and tonics and then joined his friends in the dining room. After dinner and a tour of the lobby shops, I announced I was tired and going to bed.

"At so early an hour?" said Prim Indian.

"I've been on a bus two whole days. Thanks for dinner."

With the hotel key in hand, I headed for the elevator. Before it came, though, I made sure Prim Indian had returned to the bar; then I snuck out the back door of the lobby. Prim Indian will probably call the room soon with an urgent reason for me to let him in for a moment. Too bad. I wouldn't be there.

I met the boys by the bus.

"How was your, you know, dinner?" asked Tom sarcastically.

"Oh, yum. Steak with mushroom gravy. What are we doing?"

"We thought we'd go to Sukalatchi Street to see the girls in cages," Julian told me. "It was Tom's idea."

"What's cages'?"

"Sukalatchi Street is the red light district of Bombay. We heard the prostitutes are kept in cages. There's supposed to be an opium den there too. What do you think?"

"An Opium den! Sure. Let's go. But is opium anything like hash? I'm trying not to smoke that anymore. What's it like?"

"We've never tried it. This will be a new experience for us all."

We took a taxi to the tiny, crowded street. It was so filled with people, pushcarts, ox carts, cows, and bicycles that the taxi couldn't drive into it, and we had to get out and walk. Oh, horrors! Creepy people pressed against me. Beggars followed us, motioning to their mouths and clutching our sleeves. It was loud and noisy, and everyone seemed to be yelling something at me.

"I can't stand this," I complained. "Where are we going?"

While Julian stopped for directions, Tom pulled me along, grinning at my unease. A woman beggar grabbed the back of my skirt and walked with us. A filthy child massaged my wrist with a sticky hand and recited, "No mamma, no pappa, one rupee."

"This is horrible. How do we get out of here?" I said. Something had its fingers in my hair, and now a little girl wrapped herself around my thigh, making it difficult to walk.

"Over this way."

Finally—leaving four people on the doorstep calling us—we entered a dim hallway and mounted steps that slanted at a forty-five-degree angle. I could hardly see, but at least it was quiet. Too quiet, actually—bordering on spooky.

An awful stink greeted us on the second floor as we turned a corner onto a balcony. A door stood open, revealing an old Lady on a stool. "Opium? Smoke, you know, opium?" tried Tom.

"Eh? Chando?" She pointed us farther down the balcony.

We weren't sure we were in the right building. We kept going and came to another open door, this one covered by a dirty cloth. We looked in on old men lying on the floor. They waved at us and motioned we were to leave our shoes by the door.

"I think this is it."

We were ushered to a corner. A stained towel was laid for each of us with a wooden block positioned for our heads. Three brass cups brimming with brown liquid were placed nearby.

"I guess we're supposed to, you know, he down."

Tom smoked first. The opium baba (spiritual leader) stretched out next to him and fiddled with the wick of a kerosene lamp, after which followed a complicated procedure. The  baba dipped a rod into the opium and held the tip over the flame. It bubbled. He rolled it over the bowl of the pipe, dipped again, and cooked it some more.

I went after Tom. I was worrier opium would confuse me the way hash did. Putting the end of the two-foot-long pipe in my mouth, I inhaled as the baba held the bowl over the flame. My lungs filled to bursting with smoke. The second lungful made me cough. The baba laughed. I laughed. My body relaxed into the grimy floor. As I liquefied, the hard floor turned mushy and yielding. The wooden block beneath my head became a goose-down pillow. I'd never felt so comfortable. When I finished a cup it was Julian's turn. I couldn't wait to smoke another. We each had one more cup and then left.

It was hard to keep my eyes open. I leaned heavily against Julian as we exited onto the street. It didn't seem so bad out there anymore. Nobody reality bothered me. The beggars, hustlers, and shifty characters holding my sleeve didn't annoy me one bit. No problem. I smiled at a raggedy urchin under my feet. Forgetting about the girls in cages, we bungled into a taxi, and, after dropping Tom at the bus, Julian came to the hotel with me.

The doorman and the bell captain looked aghast as Julian, the dirty hippie, strode into the elevator. We giggled hysterically as we stumbled down the corridor to the room, brushing against someone's doorknob and knocking off the DO NOT DISTURB sign.

"Let's take a bath," Julian suggested when I showed him the marble bathroom.

The giant tub easily accommodated both of us, and we placed two monstrous pillows on opposite ends of the tub. In an instant, we fell asleep in the hot water. By the time we woke, the water was cold and the pillows soaked. We laughed ourselves out of the bathroom, one pulling up the other as we took turns falling on the floor, and barely making it to the bed. I started to feel sick.

"Uh-oh, I think I'm nauseous," I moaned.

"So am I."

Pretty soon I felt sicker than I had in all my life. The rest of the night consisted of our taking turns vomiting. The marble floor was no longer appreciated when, head in the toilet, we had to kneel on it. I wanted to the.

I felt the same the next day. Tom phoned. He was sick too, but because so much had to be done, he persuaded Julian to crawl out of bed and meet him. I stayed in bed. That night I was still sick. We ordered room service but couldn't look at the food when it came. When Prim Indian called, I told him, honestly, that I was deathly ill. We were to leave the next day. "I'll call you when I come back to Bombay," I promised with no intention of doing so.

The next morning, I felt no better and, in desperation, went to the hotel pharmacy. "Please," I begged the grey-haired pharmacist, "I visited one of your opium dens the other day, and I think I'm going to the."

His stern face almost smiled as he handed me a packet of pills. Within an hour, I felt fine.

Arriving in Delhi, we headed for the seedy section of Old Delhi, looking for a cheap hotel. None of us had much money left. Julian and I found a minuscule, windowless room on a balcony surrounding a courtyard. Beds lined the balcony itself, and a napping Indian raised the handkerchief covering his face to watch us pass. That night, when we returned from dinner, we had a crisis. Julian was missing a five-pound note.

"Did you take it?" he asked, looking at me suspiciously.

"No! I did not take it." How could he ask such a question? He thought I stole his money? I crossed my arms and moved to a corner of the room.

"Are you sure?"

"Search me." I tossed my purse on the bed.

"It's okay if you took it. Just tell me."

He poked through my things. How could he! I grabbed my bag and dumped it inside out. A hairbrush slid across the floor. I kicked away a chair to retrieve it.

"I did not take your money," I stated again and hurled the brush at him. It clanged against the metal bedpost.

"I know I had it yesterday, and it's gone. Where could it go?"

He finished looking through everything, but his face was not convinced.

"Well, do you believe me?" I asked.

"Then what happened to it?"

He didn't believe me! I slammed my possessions back in my purse and rolled up the sleeping bag.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

I didn't answer as I wrenched my belongings past him furiously. "What are they doing? Don't go."

The door crashed against the wall as I marched out. Julian followed me to the balcony and down the stair.

"Listen, it's okay," he said. "You can tell me if you took it. I won't be angry."

I kept walking. Through the lobby'. Past a fish tank. Out to the street.

"Look, forget it. Let's forget the whole thing. You don't have to go."

I threw myself into a three-wheeled rickshaw and sat in the middle of the seat so there'd be no room for Julian. "GO!" I yelled to the driver. He kick-started the motorcycle engine.

Julian leaned into the open side of the little vehicle. Hanging fringes draped over his forehead. "Don't go," he said. "Come back. Talk."

"CELLO! CELLO! JELDI!" (GO! GO! HURRY!) I screamed at the driver, gesturing wildly. We drove off, leaving Julian behind. The driver looked back expectantly for directions.

The passenger part of the rickshaw consisted of a narrow main seat. Every pothole heaved me inches into the air. I had to hold my arms over my chest since I didn't wear a bra. How could Julian accuse me of such a thing? Five pounds! What do I do now? "You know cheap hotel?" I asked the driver. "Cheap, cheap?"

"Hotel?"

"Cheap hotel. No money."

"Okay. I take."

A few minutes later we jolted into a flowered compound. At a desk on the porch sat a lady with a kind face. She smiled at me. "You alone, honey?"

That did it. Her friendly face unleashed my tears. "I had a . . . (sob) . . . fight with my boyfriend. Do you have a cheap room?"

"There, there. Don't cry. We'll take care of you." She stood and came around the desk. "Is that your rickshaw?" She ordered a young Indian sitting on the floor to collect my bag. "Hush, don't cry."

I paid the driver and followed the lady to a room with six beds. Young Western travellers jumped up at my entrance.

"What's the matter? Are you alright?" somebody asked.

"She’ll be fine," said the motherly proprietor, who then left us.

Two women sat on my bed; one put her arm around my shoulder. A guy came over, and everyone introduced themselves. People waved at me from across the room.

"My boyfriend accused me of stealing his money," I managed to tell them between crying, sobbing, gulping for air, and sniffling.

"The creep. Forget him. You don't need him."

"How could he . . . (sob). . . think I stole . . . (gulp). . . his money?"

"Forget him. You're with us now. We were just going out—want to come?"

I nodded.

"Hey, want some opium?"

"Oh, yes!"

One of the women went to a nearby bed and unearthed brown putty in crinkly paper. She broke off a greasy ball and handed it to me.

Someone else brought me water, and I swallowed it.

"I hope I don't . . . (sniff) . . . get nauseous." I started to hiccough.

"Last time I took opium . . . (hic) . . . I wanted to die." To be on the safe side, I took one of the pills I still had from the Taj pharmacist in Bombay.

I soon felt peachy. We left to explore Delhi, and by the time we returned I was giggling along with them.

In the morning, Julian appeared.

"How did you find me?" I asked.

"I've been to every guest house in Delhi."

"Go away."

"Listen, I'm sorry. Please come back. I found the money."

"You found it? Where?"

"In my wallet, behind a flap. I thought I'd looked there. Please forgive me. Please?"

I forgave him. I said goodbye to everybody, thanked the kind lady, paid the bill, and Julian and I went back to Old Delhi.

*

The morning of the day Tom and Julian were to begin their trip back to Europe, Julian accompanied me to the train station. Close to my last rupee, I bought the cheapest ticket, and we went in search of the Bombay train. The platform was jammed with people, suitcases, babies, coolies, and vendors selling vegetable patties and Coca-Cola.

"Well, I guess this is it," I said, docking a fast-moving coolie whose forehead veins bulged from the weight of a suitcase.

"Yeah, I guess so."

I stepped around a basket of bananas and closed the space between us. My hand grasped the front of Julian's T-shirt. "I'm going to miss you."

His eyes were round and sad and moist. "Will I ever see you again?"

Quickly he threw his arms around me and dog his chin into my neck. "You never know. Write me?"

"Oh, yes. Will you write me back?"

"Yes."

There was a shout, and we broke apart in time to avoid being run over by a speeding pushcart loaded with baggage. I tripped over a street dog and stepped on someone's mat. The woman sitting on it muttered at me and pressed her sleeping child closer to her breast.

"I'd better get on the train."

"I guess so."

"Have a nice trip back to Amsterdam."

"You be careful."

"Goodbye."

I took my sleeping bag from him and boarded the train. "Bye." He kissed into the air.

After one last look I entered the car. Oh, my god. A nightmare. The wooden benches were packed tight with bodies. More people squatted on the floor, with not a speck of space left anywhere.

"This is not possible. Where am I supposed to sit?" I grumbled aloud, trudging through the Indians on the floor. My bulky bag banged into shoulders, but I didn't care. "Oh, excuse me. Shit! EXCUSE me."

"I here. Missy. You can sit here." A fat man squeezed closer to his neighbor, making six inches of room for me. I eased backwards onto the hard wood. Squashed. This would never do. I would never survive the twenty-five hours to Bombay like this.

"This is unbearable," I complained. "This is for animals. I can't take this."

"You ask conductor. Maybe he find you room in the Lathes’ Compartment. You ask."

I tripped back over people, swatting them again with my sleeping bag, and found the conductor. For a little baksheesh (free money) and the extra fare, he ushered me to the ladies' compartment.

Consisting of two benches facing each other, it was chock-full of women and children. Two women and one toddler sat on the floor. A teenager moved her leg and offered me a triangle of space on the seat. Another one wiped snot from her baby's nose with the end of her sari and tittered at me. Well, it was better, but still not good. With hand gestures, they explained that the seats became beds and that two more beds-unfold-ed from the wall at night. Near the ceiling hung luggage racks. I had an idea.

Stepping on a seat, my other foot on the window ledge, I moved baggage from one rack to the other and then climbed into the empty one. It was suffocating hot up there, and I didn't have room to sit up; but I could he in peace without touching another human being, and after what I'd just experienced, it was heaven.

Through the open window, I bought a Fanta orange drink and swallowed a bit of the opium I'd bought when Tom, Julian, and I made a visit to a Delhi den. Still afraid of throwing up, I took another nausea pill. Stoned and sing in the luggage rack, eighteen inches from the ceiling, I slept most of the trip.

In Bombay I went to the Rex Hotel, a Freak place I'd heard about. I was shown to an airless back room after promising I'd pay the money in advance within a few hours. Then I checked the card of the man who had my portfolio. Indian Airlines, it said, near Churchgate Station. With my last five-rupee bill, I taxied to his office.

I'd completely forgotten what he looked like, but he remembered me. Dressed in suit and tie, sweating in the airless room, he beamed at me and shook my hand. "How was your holiday in Goa?" he asked.

"Great. I'm going right back, I just came to get money. Can I have my portfolio?"

When he fetched it from an inner office, I opened it and looked for my remaining two hundred dollars in traveller’s checks hidden behind a picture. I couldn't find them!

"I can't find my traveller’s checks!"

"Traveller’s checks? You did not tell me there were traveller’s checks inside." He frowned.

"Oh. No. They're gone! I have absolutely no money. What am I going to do?"

The corners of his mouth wrinkled downward. "I know nothing about traveller’s checks. You said only pictures. I would not have taken your case with money inside. Are you sure they were indeed there?"

I searched again from cover to cover, looking behind every photo. "Oh, no. I'm dead. I have only three rupees left. What am I going to do?"

"I am sorry. I know nothing of traveller’s checks. The briefcase has been in my locker all the time." He stood up, now looking as if he couldn't wait to get rid of me. There was no mention of the tour of Bombay he'd hoped to take me on. My money was gone. My life was ruined.

"Well . . . anyway thanks for keeping my pictures, I guess."

Slowly, I stood and walked out to the street. What to do now? I had no money. The hotel would evict me if I didn't pay in advance for the room. I knew nobody in Bombay. I couldn't go to American Express to report my loss because I didn't have the receipt numbers—I'd said them to Momsy for safekeeping. I'd been told to keep the receipt numbers separate from the traveller’s checks. So how was I to report lost checks? I'd never recorded the checks I'd cashed, so the receipts would probably be useless anyway.

I had no idea which way I was walking. I plodded through the streets, past thin women in saris with braids hanging down their backs, past men in light-coloured pyjamas, past beggars who followed me, calling,  "Paisa, paisa."  I  came to a waterfront. What to do? No brainstorm descended on me.

Eventually, I asked for directions to the hotel and plodded back.

"Cleo, man.  Shambo."

The voice startled me as I climbed, dejectedly, up the front steps of the Rex. And there he was, standing in the doorway—I couldn't believe it—a friend! It was Kadir, the Algerian I'd met at Dayid and Ashley's party.

"KADIR!" I yelled. He kissed my cheek. "Oh, Kadir. I've just lost my traveller’s checks. I have three rupees to my name. The hotel is going to throw me out. I don't know a soul in Bombay. I'm so glad to see a friendly face. I don't know what to do."

"Don't worry about it, man. Come to my room. Know who’s here? Ashley and Norwegian Monica."

I followed him to an elevator that clunked and clanked us upstairs.

"But, Kadir, I have no money. The hotel is not going to let me stay."

"I told you, man, don't worry. You're with friends now. I might even have a job for you. Tell you later."

His room was bigger and sunnier than mine. A lovely terrace overlooked the street. Outside, their blonde hair glimmering in the sunlight, sat Norwegian Monica and Ashley. Friends!

"Hey, man, look who I found."

"Hoo, boy! Cleo!"

They greeted me with big smiles. Maybe my life wasn't over after all.

As usual, Ashley wore a slinky silk gown, this one yellow and covered to its flouncy hem in pearls. Around one ankle hung a pearl-skidded gold chain. She rearranged her pearly fringe shawl and handed me a mirror covered with coke. Monica brought me a chair. I snorted a few lines and told them my sad tale.

"Have another line," said Ashley, her pearl bracelet tinkling as she offered the mirror again. "It'll make you feel better. Are you hungry? Kadir, let's order lunch. Where's the menu?"

We ordered strawberry juice and a tray of snacks. Coked-out as we were, nobody ate much, but we nibbled, and I felt safe, saved from catastrophe. Tinkling, Ashley handed me four hundred rupees.

"Are you sure?" I asked. "I don't know when I'll be able to pay you back."

She gave me another two hundred.

"She can work for me, man," said Kadir. "I can use another girl."

"Really? Doing what?" I asked, overwhelmed with gratitude and relief.

Kadir took me inside the room for privacy from the other terraces. We settled on the bed, and, chopping cocaine, he explained. "You will go to Canada. I have suitcases." He snorted the fly-away coke off his fingers. "Expertly made, man, wait till you see them. They're excellent, and this is a new scam, so nobody's used this type yet. Two matching cases that hold eight kilos of hash built into the leather."

Eight kilos of hash?

He wanted me to smuggle hash?

Aha! That's how the Goa Freaks made their money! So here was the chance to become a real Goa Freak. But—smuggling? Could I do that? Part of me was terribly excited, and part a little scared. I had to think about this.

"You think it over, man, there's time," he said. "I'm sending someone else first. She'll be here tonight, you can meet her."

I snorted another line. I hadn't been to America in three years. I'd be able to see my old friends. "How much would I make?" I asked.

"Eight thousand dollars. Canadian."

Eight thousand dollars! I'd existed on practically nothing since I'd left the States—sleeping in my car in Switzerland, panhandling on the Hedseplein in Amsterdam, living on people's floors in Denmark. Yes, I'd modelled in southern Europe, but the money I made went into the car or supported me to the next country or the next adventure. I couldn't remember the last time I'd bought a new dress. Wow—with eight thousand dollars I could have new clothes, find a house in Anjuna and fix it up, buy my own coke . . .

"You'll stay at the best hotel in Montreal, man, the Hilton," Kadir continued. "Dayid is there now. You know Dayid, my partner. He will take the suitcases and pay you."

Dayid! Magnificent Dayid. Yes, I remembered him. My thoughts went back to a beach party. I wasn't sure how it had come about—if he'd been there that night without Ashley or what—but somehow, Dayid and I strolled down the beach, and in the moonlight, with the sound of waves mingling with the distant rock beat, we fucked on the sand. Quick, sandy, and satisfying. Mmmmm, Dayid.

"I have to go now and do things," Kadir said, breaking my reverie. "You can stay here with Monica and Ashley. Or else come back tonight and meet the other girl. Alright, man?"

Later, alone in my tiny room, staring at the cracked plaster on the wall, I thought of what I could do with eight thousand Canadian dollars. My own permanent house in Anjuna Beach. Like Dayid and Ashley's. No more sleeping on people's floors, or eating the cheapest item on the menu, or scrounging drugs off friends. The scene in Goa differed from the hippie one in Europe. The Goa Freaks were money oriented. All that coke and jewellery and parties. I wanted to settle there, didn't I? Goa was to be my home, right? Well, this was the way to become a rich Goa Freak.

The gritty bedspread beneath me smelled old and cruddy. I'd he able to stay in a better hotel room, like Kadir's. Hallelujah!

*

That night I told Kadir I was eager for the trip. He introduced me to the other woman. Also a newcomer to India, this would be her first trip too. She'd leave at the end of the week, and I'd go two weeks later, as soon as a set of new cases were made. We sniffed coke and discussed details.

"Let me see your passport," said Kadir. He flipped through it briefly and shook his head. "This is no good, man. You'll have to get a new one."

"What do you mean no good?" I asked. "What's wrong with it?"

"Too many stamps. Look at this, it's filled up. Iran. Afghanistan. No, man, it won't do. They'll get suspicious. The Immigration people see you've been travelling to these countries, and they'll wonder what you do for money. They'll ask questions, man."

"So what do I do?"

"You must go to the consulate and apply for a fresh one."

"Won't immigration question me anyway?"

"No, man. Canada is easy," Kadir assured me. "I promise you'll have no problem. You won't even have to go through Customs. When you get to the Immigration desk, they'll give you a coloured card. There are two kinds. One says you pass through—just pick up your bags and walk out. If you get the other card, you must stop at the Customs counter."

"I thought everyone had to go through Customs."

"No, man, only Canadians. Since you're a U.S. citizen, you won't have to unless the immigration man gets suspicious, in which case he'll give you the Customs card. But you'll be spiffy. You must buy a classy dress, a handbag—I'll give you money—fix your hair. You'll look straight, so he'll let you pass. Anyway, man, even if they did check you, they'd find nothing. Tomorrow take you to see the cases. They are excellent. No one will suspect a thing."

"What about dogs? Don't they train dogs to smell hash and marijuana?"

He shook his arm dismissively. "That's nothing. They have one or two dogs that can only work two or three hours a week. The animals go back and forth from Montreal to the Toronto airport. Forget the dogs, man. They only use them for cargo, anyway, not luggage."

Next morning, I went to the Breach Candy section of Bombay, where the consulates were located. I'd been to so many countries my passport had been completely filled with visa stamps, and in Athens I'd had to get new pages glued to the back cover. They folded like an accordion. Before I left the hotel, I tore them. At the consulate, I asked for a new passport.

"We could just glue this back, doll," said the consulate women as she looked over her glasses at me.

"I'd rather have a new one, please."

"It'll cost you twenty bucks."

"Fine."

The passport would he ready at the end of the week, and I left the building charged with excitement. I felt daring and mysterious, like a spy on special assignment. As I passed people on the street, I had a secret sin inside me. I looked like your average blonde foreigner on vacation, one more holiday hippie, a vacationer, but I was really this bold, brazen adventurer embarking on a dangerous mission.

I stopped in a store to buy a Five Star candy bar and spotted astrology books in English. I bought the Aries volume for 1976 and looked the predictions for the end of February. Don't take chances, it said. Don't do anything out of the ordinary. Don't travel.

I shrugged my shoulders and threw the book in a garbage can. If it had said something positive, I would have believed it.

That afternoon, I went with Kadir to a shop near Crawford Market, a typical Indian store—minuscule, things piled to the ceiling, one on top of the other. An Indian greeted Kadir's "Shambo, man" with a sneaky grin and took us to the back room.

True to Kadir's description, the cases were excellent. A large one and a smaller one, both made of expensive, light-coloured leather.

"You see, man," said Kadir. "They are soft cases." He tapped the sides. "Nobody can get suspicious because there's no place to hide anything. The hash is in here." He pointed to the top, narrow sides, and bottom. "Now you know where the shop is, man. Maybe one day you'll do your own run."

Before returning to the hotel, we stopped at an opium den on a roof across the street from the store. Over a few pipes, Kadir handed me a wad of hundred rupee notes to buy clothes.

"You must have standard things to pack," he said. "In case they look inside, man, you can't have hippie stuff."

Feeling super gutsy, this time I smoked the Opium without taking a nausea pill. I get sick.

Three days later, Kadir gave me the news: "The other girl isn't going, man. There's a problem with her passport. You leave Sunday night."

"Yippy! So soon?"

He handed me the mirror of coke. "Are you ready? You have the passport?"

"Tomorrow I pick it up."

"Sharp clothes?"

"I'm having a dress made at the Mj. It's disgustingly conventional. Uhlili! With a knee-length skirt in the most boring shade of beige."

"What will you do with your hair?"

"I'll make an appointment at the Taj salon for Sunday. I'll get it teased into a chignon. I bought a pair of nylons. Nylons! I haven't worn nylons since junior high. I have dumb little shoes . . . I even bought a creepy pair of clip-on earrings. Red nail polish—can you imagine me without blue nails? A hideous leather handbag . . ."

"Good, man, good. Saturday you'll move to the Grand Hotel. No Freaks ever stay there."

Sunday night at eleven, I was ready when Kadir came to take me to the airport.

"All packed?"

"Yup."

"MAN! Look at you! What a hairdo!" he exclaimed. Wearing the dumb dress, the earrings, the nylons, the dumb shoes, I had hair piled four inches above my head and eyes lined with black in a style I remembered from an old Annette Funicello movie. "I can't believe it, man. You don't look like the same girl!"

"Look at this handbag, it's worn over the arm. Do people really dress like this?"

We snorted a humungous amount of cocaine and hurried out of the hotel. In the taxi Kadir gave me three hundred dollars cash. "They might ask to see money before letting you into Canada," he explained. He gave me three hundred rupees. "You might have to pay overweight." He dropped me at Bombay International and kissed me goodbye and good luck.

The coke had been a serious mistake. I would have been nervous enough without it, but with it I was a wreck. As an added precaution, Kadir had timed it so I'd arrive at the airport just in time to board the plane. This strategy, he figured, wouldn't give anyone a chance to search my luggage. Another mistake. Since the hash weighed eight kilos by itself, I was way, way over the baggage allowance of ten kilos. After weighing my luggage, the airline personnel presented me with an enormous bill in overweight charges. Not only did the bill have to be paid at another counter, it had to be paid in rupees, of which I did not have enough. To change dollars into rupees I had to wait in a line that snaked the length of four airline counters and threatened to last all night.

Close to take-off time, I was still in line at the bank. The woman in front of me had a daughter who had nothing better to do than play with the dumb bow on my dumb shoes. I would kill myself if the kid put a nun in the horrible nylons. The coke was wearing off, and I sweated with anxiety and post-cocaine depression. I grumbled and swore at the bank; ran to the line to pay the overweight charge and grumbled some more there; ran back to show the receipt and collect the boarding pass. By the time I reached Indian Immigration, I was a disaster. After Immigration, and a frisking for weapons, I still had to go to a baggage area to identify my luggage, answer questions ("Do you have any museum pieces?"), and watch as a man chalk-marked my bags. Finally, finally, I boarded the plane that had, by now, been waiting just for me.

In the seat at last, heart pounding away, I worried that the man had not put my bags on the plane after he'd marked them, and I swore quietly to myself, that I would never, NEVER do coke again in tense situations.

I only managed to sleep two hours during the flight. I arrived in Montreal exhausted and too excited about being in America to worry about anything. The nice Immigration officer gave me a smile, a wink, and a card in the colour that said "pass through." After watching, luggage circle the baggage wheel for ten minutes, I saw mine come down the chute. I collected my bags in a cart, walked smugly past the sign that said "Customs," handed over my card, and proceeded straight out the door.

I could not stop smiling in the taxi to downtown Montreal. I'd made it! I was a successful smuggler! Toying with the image of dollars and what they could buy, I checked into the Hilton.

The first thing I did on entering my luxurious room was turn on the TV. Oh, joy. Television! It had been years since I'd seen a program. To not miss a word, I turned the volume to maximum and swivelled the set until it reflected in the mirror on the bathroom door, so I could watch from the tub. I couldn't wait to wash the hair spray out of my hair.

After the bath, I waited for a commercial break and ran to the loch to buy twelve dollars' worth of candy. Five Star was the only brand in India, and I craved a Chunky, a Twizzler, some Red Hots. Back in the room, I sank into fluffy pillows in front of the Four-Thirty Movie and spread out the cache of sweets. This must be Wonderland.

Within an hour, the phone rang. A familiar Australian accent came through the line, "Hi, Cleo. It's Dayid. Everything go propitiously?"

Dayid had once spent time in jail, time he used for self-education. By the end of his incarceration, he'd acquired an impressive vocabulary that matched well the majestic way he carried himself.

"No problem," I answered.

"Beatific! Tonight we'll convene with Junky Robert and Tish for conviviality. Do you concur?"

"Yes!"

I dressed in my favorite outfit, a see-through crepe in different patterns. At eight, Dayid came.

"How winsome to see you!" he said, kissing both my cheeks. "You look resplendent!" He wore a purple velvet suit and had his silver streaked hair tied behind his head. I thought he looked delicious.

"How'd you like the trip?" he asked. "A chef d'oeuvre, hmm?"

"I loved it."

"Tomorrow you can bring these cases to my hotel and I'll defray you your money. Consider this the exordium of a new career." He opened a silver bottle in the shape of a swan. With a matching silver spoon he aimed coke at my nose. "We're to converge soon with Junky Robert and Tish. Let's egress."

Brrrr, still winter in Canada. I shivered in a flimsy cape. At a nightclub, we were shown to a table near the dance floor, where the other couple sat waiting for us. I'd never met Junky Robert and Tish, though I'd heard their names mentioned. They greeted me warmly, as if I were an old-time Goa Freak. Tish, a Canadian, had brown, curly hair and bright, lively eyes. Robert, from Queens, New York, was lively one moment and fast asleep the next. Twice during dinner, he nodded off, his forkful of Hungarian goulash landing on the carpet.

"Robert, my good fellow," Dayid commented once when, with eyes closed, Robert and his glass of champagne teetered dangerously to the left, "the people at the next table are speculating you have Trypanosoma gambiense. Which, by the way, is transmitted by the tsetse fly and is common in tropical Africa. It is a.k.a.—also known as—sleeping sickness."

Along with the vocabulary, Dayid had cultivated a brainful of trivia during his stay in jail.

"Oh, yeah?" commented Tish.

I liked Tish. She was smart, and with her stash of coke, we made numerous trips to the lathes' room to giggle for long periods of time. At the table, the four of us ordered everything expensive on the menu and laughed at the straight people who had to work in the morning. Now this was the life I was born for. When Dayid and I danced, he kissed my neck.

Next we went to a discotheque where we ran into Esther, one of three Canadian sisters whom everyone knew from Goa, though they hadn't been there that year. While we snorted coke in the ladies' room, Esther told me she could sell hash for me if I ever brought my own into the country.

"Really?" I said my coked-out neurotransmitter's making quick connections. "You could? How long would it take?"

"How much would you bring?"

"How about eight kilos?"

"A few days. At fifteen hundred dollars a pound."

"Wow. Maybe do that. I know where to get suitcases trade."

When the sun rose, I went with Dayid to his hotel room. This time it was slower than the night on the beach, and the mattress was more comfortable than the sand had been—though not as exotic.

"How would you like to peregrinate with me in the Caribbean for a week's vacation?" he asked. "My business here will be terminated soon."

I was terribly flattered. But I hesitated to answer. Did I want to involve myself romantically with Dayid? First of all, he was a bit too macho for me. Then there was Ashley. The two of them seemed the classic couple, she playing the ancient female role to his ancient one. In India she'd had servants and seamstresses, and so was not expected to cook and clean, but she nonetheless played the role of the little woman who took care of details while Dayid engaged in commerce or played poker. I didn't want to break them up, but even less did I want to her slot. I didn't want to be Dayid's shadow. I could go out with him as a colleague, but as a girlfriend . . . I didn't think so. And now, perhaps, I had an opportunity to do business for myself with Esther. Rushing back to India in pursuit of enterprise enticed me more than diving in the Caribbean with Dayid. I liked the idea of having money. Flying in planes suited me better than third-class lathes' compartment train riding. The Hilton beat the Rex.

"Well . . . planning to visit my mother in New York," I told Dayid. "Why don't you call me there before you go?"

"Do you know," he said, "there actually were people called the Caribs who inhabited the southwest Indies and the northern coast of South America?"

"Oh yeah?"

I left him in bed and went to the Hilton to change. In the Lobby I bought a new set of luggage and repacked my clothes. I took the hash filled cases to Dayid, collected my eight thousand dollars, and kissed him goodbye. Mission complete.

I called Momsy.

"Baby! Where are you?"

"In Canada. I'm coming to visit."

"I'm so glad to hear from you. You didn't answer my last two letters."

"I didn't get them. I left Goa a while ago. I tell you about it when I get there."

Of course I didn't tell her ALL about it—such as how I'd gotten the money to come back to America. But she didn't ask anyway. Momsy wasn't interested in my tales of the East, and whenever possible, she steered the conversation away from things Indian and into her closet.

"How do you like my new filch coat?" she asked, parading in her ankle-length fur. "Don't look at the collar; the furrier is fixing it this week."

"We have buffaloes in our paddy fields," I said, stroking her sleeve as she passed. "Really skinny. Bones poke through their hides."

"Tell me honestly. Do there pelts match?"

I shrugged. "As far as I can tell. Momsy, you should see the sunset on Anjuna Beach."

"But this collar isn't nice, is it?"

It was nice to spend a few days in Momsy's Fifth Avenue apartment—sleeping on the floor of the library—but by the weekend, I couldn't wait to return to Goa and my friends and to make more money. Dayid called.

No, I told him. I would not be meeting him in St. Thomas. I already had a ticket for the flight to Bombay. Knowing I'd made the right decision, I nevertheless hung up the phone with regret.

Landing in Bombay, I felt like a victor back from battle. I felt bigger and stronger and awfully courageous. I was also a lot richer. I went to meet Kadir at Dipti's, a fruit juice place across the street from the Rex Hotel. Dipti's offered ice cream and the luscious fruits of the season and was the nerve centre of the Bombay Freak world. Everyone reported there on arrival. If you wanted to know who was in town and what was going down, you could find out from Bila, the Indian manager.

"Hi, Bila," I said, climbing the step into the shop, feeling like an insider. I slid into a booth opposite Kadir and handed him the six bottles of vitamins he'd asked me to buy for him in Canada. India didn't sell them. Vitamin E was especially important for coke sniffers. The healing oil applied to the inner nostril assured a perpetually useful nose.

"How'd it go, man?" he asked.

"Great. Oh, Kadir, this is so much fun. I love this life. But, listen, I want to do my own trip. Will you help me?" I knew Kadir wouldn't mind losing me as an employee. I was now one of the Goa kindred, and India abounded in impoverished travellers awaiting financial inspiration.

"Of course, man. You already know where the shop is."

"I don't know where to get the hash, though. Or how much to pay . . . "

"Dayid and I are planning another trip soon. I can have extra cases made for you. How's that? I will sell you a full set."

"Wonderful. How much?"

"For you, man, because you're my special friend, you can have them for two thousand."

"Great. Great. Here, I can give you the money now."

"No, wait, man. Pay me when they're ready."

"Oh, Kadir. Everything's so wonderful. Do you think I should get a new passport?"

"If you want, man. But you have plenty of time to prepare. Why don't you go back to Goa? I'll be coming down myself as soon as Dayid returns."

Perfect! Now I was a real Goa Freak home-based in Anjuna Beach.

Several methods of transportation existed for travelling to Goa. It was rare to find a Freak bus like Tom and Julian's. The public buses, I'd heard, were torturous. I wasn't yet comfortable with having money to spend, so I decided against flying. Another way—the one I took—was by boat. A thirty-hour trip.

Standing in a crowded hall at the dock, I was approached by numerous barefoot coolies in rags. Before I could pick one, one picked me and shooed the others with gestures, growls, and a proprietary grasp on my bag. He pointed to a swatch of cloth pinned to his tattered jacket. Number II. He looked at my ticket and asked, "Blanket? Blanket?"

Was I supposed to give him a blanket? I shook my head and shrugged.

"Blanket," he repeated. "No blanket?"

"Sleeping bag?" I tried and pointed to the roll I'd collected from storage at the Rex.

He looked at it a moment, then nodded.

I had no idea what was going on. All of a sudden, the crowd moved. Number II vanished, and with him went my worldly belongings. Oh, no. I had a flash of panic, imagining everything I owned had just been stolen. I moved with the masses—I had no choice. Out a gate, I had my first glimpse of the boat over the turbaned head of a Sikh. The crowd herded me up a wooden plank. On deck, the fury grew as women in saris pushed past me, dragging two handfuls of children. A fat Indian in a white suit stepped on my foot, and I flattened against a rail as a pack of people rushed by. Why was everyone running? I looked around the deck. No chairs! Family groups sat together on the floor on pieces of cloth. Spread out here and there were cloths with nobody on them. Over one of the unoccupied cloths stood a coolie. Aha! That's why Number II had a blanket—to reserve me a spot. As I looked around, someone banged into me with an elbow. I must have looked confused, standing there in the rushing mob, because a man with a beard asked if I needed help. He looked at my ticket and pointed me toward B deck, one flight up. At the end of a slippery, metal stairway, I found Number II standing over my sleeping bag, which he'd unrolled, unzipped, and spread in a prime spot against a wall. My hero! I gave him a generous tip. He deserved it.

The voyage down was curious and boring. I should have brought a book. Lone travellers sprawled on the hard wood, covered their faces with handkerchiefs, and slept. I took a walk to the stern. The roofless rear of the boat contained benches fall of people, baggage, and chickens—lots of chickens roaming and pecking free. I spotted a familiar Goa face. "Richard!"

"Cleo, hi. Going to Anjuna?"

"Yeah, just came back from Canada. I can't wait to hit the beach."

"Canada, huh? I just returned from Thailand."

We exchanged knowing smiles. Now I knew how the Goa Freaks made the money to splurge on so much coke. Now I knew, because I'd been initiated. I was really one of them. More foreigners appeared, and we gathered in a group. Inevitably, the chillum came out.

"BOMBOLAI!" yelled Richard, applying flame to the pipe.  "BOM SHANKAR!" yelled someone else. I marvelled at their unconcerned attitude toward smoking hash in public. Anjuna was a Freak beach where the police never went, but this was a public place! Natives sat an arm's length away. I sneaked a look around and noticed no one seemed disturbed. Richard offered the pipe to two Indians across from us. With a nod and a smile, they accepted.

India!

When the chillum came to me, I declined and felt proud of myself for doing so.

The boat docked in Panjim, a major city of Goa, and a few of us shared a taxi to Anjuna Beach. After asking around for a place to stay, I found room in a house on the north end. Unlike the south end, which had relatively few houses, the north end crowded one house next to another. Each had a walled-in plot of overgrown land. A lumpy, rock', dirt road, walled on both sides, divided the area into rectangles.

A week later Michael, an American with dark hair and sparkling blue eyes, threw a party. Michael lived in a large room in the house of a Goan family. Having his own entrance, he'd built a fence of palm fronds around the area, creating a private compound.

"Fatima is something else, man," Kadir told me as we sat outside on the sand.

"Who?"

"Michael's girlfriend. Over there with the platinum hair. She was arrested in Germany, man. She played crazy and got herself transferred to the psycho ward. Then she escaped and hitchhiked all the way back to India. Without a passport, man!"

"I heard she once married a Kuchi chieftain in Afghanistan," Richard added. "James Michener based his novel Caravans on her."

Wow, I thought. I just loved the Goa Freaks. How exhilarating to be part of them.

And what a party! Dayid and Ashley turned up and secretly spiked the punch with LSD. I became suspicious when my limbs grew heavy and the reflections from candles spread out and touched. When coloured light hung from my eyelashes, I knew somebody had spiked something. I hadn't even known Dayid and Ashley were in Goa until they stopped by my spot near a wall of the compound, from which I hadn't been able to move since the acid hit. I barely managed to raise my head in salute.

"You look like you're enjoying yourself," said Ashley. The train of her slinky, black dress trailed three feet behind her. I could only answer with a pleasurable noise. My body wouldn't move and my words wouldn't connect.

"He'll leave you to your apparent jollification," said Dayid, and they moved on, grinning at the evidence of their good deed.

Not till midmorning did I manage to break loose from spacing out on sand specks. Light blazed off the palms in the yard. I zigzagged across the sand into the house. An Oriental carpet filled the room.

"Oh, boy," said a guy I recognized as the Neal who frequently dispensed liquid acid from a straw at parties. An American, he had shoulder length brown hair with long bangs that he shook continually out of his eyes. "You look like you could use some of this." His hand held a glass block with an engraved lion on the underside. CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK went the razor blade on the glass as he divided white powder into lines. He passed me the block and a gold straw. Sniff. The efficient gold instrument shot the powder up my nose like a vacuum cleaner.

"What was that?" I asked when the unfamiliar taste of it drained down my throat.

"You thought it was coke?" he said, shaking his bangs and giggling. "It's smack."

As the heroin seeped into, my bloodstream, my spaced-out body relaxed. Ooo, exactly what I needed. It eased the sharp edges of the acid aftermath. "That's wonderful," I said. I closed my eyes and sank deeper into a cushion. "Just right."

"I thought it would help," answered Neal with a grin. He passed a finger through his beard and stashed me through his bangs. "Who are you?"

"Cleo."

"I've seen you around, but we've never met."

"I had your acid one night."

He giggled and embarked on a discourse about the purity of his acid; how there was little of it left because the C.I.A. had destroyed the formula, thinking it subverted America's youth; how the C.I.A. initiated the "bad trip" propaganda; how it was all a he, etc., etc.

Neal loved to talk, and he babbled on into the afternoon. I listened, often with my head down and eyes closed. I felt so comfortable, and everything looked so acidy beautiful, I could have stayed like that for eternity.

As we eased into spring, people left Goa. The weather grew hot with the approach of the monsoon. Goa enjoyed clear, delightful warmth all year except for summer, when the temperature rose to unbearable heights, followed by incessant rain. That was when the Freak citizens of Goa left beach life to do business—drug business. The monsoon routine called for a quick scam to make a bundle of cash, then sojourning in another utopian spot, like Ibiza or Bali, until the next Goa season.

One day, Kadir informed me that he and Dayid were putting their scam in motion and we were to move to Bombay.

I flew up with Ashley, Dayid, Norwegian Monica, and other Goa Freaks we ran into at the airport. Though the flight itself took twenty minutes, the taxi ride to Diabolim Airport took three hours. The wait for the ferry I'd crossed with Tom and Julian's bus consumed most of the time. The steel structures extending into the water hadn't grown an inch since then.

In Bombay we checked into the Astoria Hotel, and I shared a room with Norwegian Monica. Monica planned to run for Kadir and Dayid, carrying cases into Canada like I'd done. Depending on the amount of capital left at the season's end, the Goa Freaks either created their own scams or ran in someone else's.

As Goa emptied, the Bombay Freak hotels filled, and we arrived in town to find a twenty-four-hour-a-day party scene. Friends occupied every room at the Astoria, and Neal checked in right across the hall.

"Hi there, neighbour," he said, leaning against his open doorway, chopping powder on his glass block. CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, AND SQUEAK. "Feel free to stop by for a toot whenever you want."

"Oh, Monica. This is so great," I said to my roommate. "I don't know whose room to visit first."

We stayed in Bombay a long time. Everyone, it seemed, got caught in Bombay Syndrome—scams and plans were delayed as parties carried on week after week. Dayid and Ashley had a suite where a horde of people always overran the bed, the chairs, and every inch of floor space. The coke flowed non-stop.

"Anybody want victuals? I have room service on the phone," Dayid would announce periodically. "Ashley desires a piece of pericarp. Pericarp, a.k.a.—also known as—fruit. Fruit is the mature ovary of a flowering plant, did you know?"

Monica and I made daily trips to smack up at Neal's. Heroin cures cocaine frazzle. After days of coke snorting, one's nerves tended to feel like yesterday's spaghetti stuck to the pot. A sniff of smack brought tranquillity to the fried brain. Often Neal provided us with a packet for morning too.

After three weeks, I began to wake up with diarrhoea and cramps in my stomach. Sometimes Neal came by with a restorative spoonful of smack that made the ills go away. I wondered what I had. Monica was also sick, and we couldn't figure it out.

"Hoo, boy! There goes my stomach again. What's wrong with me?"

We made frequent trips to the "0" den for pipes of opium. It eased the symptoms. We didn't worry much over what ailed us, tiny trouble being a frequent companion to the traveller.

After a six-week-long party. Kadir told me the cases were ready. "Did you get the new passport, man", he asked when he delivered them.

"No. I decided to stop in Europe and get it there so no one in Canada will know I've been to the East," I answered. "How does this sound—PII report it stolen and then use the new passport for travelling in the West, while keeping the old passport for the East. Think it'll work?"

"Yeah, man, sounds like a good idea."

"I have to figure out how to work the visa stamps, though. Some countries don't stamp you in, and when they do, the stamps are never in chronological order anyway."

I counted out two thousand Canadian dollars for Kadir. I was all set for my big number.

I chose Belgium as my destination; it seemed an innocent little place. The morning of departure day, I woke up feeling dreadful. I had no energy, and my stomach was killing me again. "Oh, Monica, I can't move," I said.

"Hoo, boy. I'm not hunky dory myself. Let's go to the "0" den."

After a few pipes, we felt rejuvenated. I bought a ball of eating opium to take with me. Feeling great, I had my hair done and took care of last minute details. Just before I left for the airport, Neal handed me a good luck packet of smack. "Have a nice trip, cutie," he said. CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, AND SQUEAK.

This time I was better prepared. I had enough rupees to pay the overweight charge, and I 'was early enough not to he tilled with anxiety during the inevitable complications of Indian bureaucracy. Am! No coke. Everything was OK as I boarded the flight to Brussels, a stash of dope and opium hidden in the hem of my dress.

I had no problem leaving Bombay nor entering Brussels. After checking into a fancy hotel, I went to the American embassy to report my stolen passport. They said they'd have a new one for me the next day. Peachy.

When the time came to leave for Canada, though, I was very nervous. I gobbled a pile of Neal's smack up my nose. This trip was the real thing, I thought, as I buckled into the Boeing 747. I wasn't going for someone else this time. This trip was mine. I would make twenty-five thousand dollars for myself. Could I pull it off? Was I really going to make that amount of money? Something had to  go wrong. Never went this smoothly.

I couldn't concentrate on the in-flight movie.

As the plane banked its final approach to Montreal, I went to the bathroom and snorted more smack. I looked in the mirror. Oh, shit! Look at my eyes! They were so pinned! You could hardly see black in the middle at all. The Customs man would look at my eyes and know right away I had smack in my blood. Usually, I loved the way smack made my pupils so small. They showed that much more blue. But as I looked at reflection, my eyes seemed to announce to the whole world that I was smacked out.

Well, too late to back out now.

Upon landing, I shuffled with the other passengers to the Immigration area. What if they searched me and found the passport reported stolen? Did my eyes look like those in Children of the Damned?

POOM! A man pounded an entry stamp in my passport and handed me the pass-through card.

I made it! My own trip!

I checked into the Sheraton to a green-and-white room that reminded me of spring. Full of glee, I called Esther. "I'm here!" I announced. I jabbed at the numbers on the push-button phone to create celebration music.

She came over immediately. She loved the cases. "No one would ever suspect them," she stated. Then she asked, "How do you get the hash out?"

I deflated. "Uh-oh. Good question. How do I get the hash out? Oh, shit." I'd forgotten to ask about that little detail. "Hmmm, I guess we need a scissor or something." We also needed a scale and Baggies. Esther left, to return shortly with supplies.

Clueless about correct procedure, we set to work cutting the leather as best we could. With knives and razors, we stabbed, tore, and clawed. Scraps of leather fell to the floor as the hash came out in blocks. We divided it into onepound piles, which we packaged in Baggies. Within an hour, we'd parcelled seventeen and a half pounds. Esther took three and said she'd be back. I went to the lobby, bought ten dollars worth of candy, and retired to the room and the colour TV.

A few hours later she returned with a friend.

"This is Toad," Esther said. "He's going to help sell." Toad was another Canadian Goa person. She counted out forty-five hundred dollars in small denominations and gave it to me.

I was ecstatic. "I'll have to hit every bank in Montreal to change these tens and twenties into large bills," I noted, amused at the problem. "Sorry. That's what they paid me."

Esther and Toad took three pounds each and left. It was working. I was really doing it. An entrepreneurial drug smuggler! I felt like Genghis Khan conquering land. I snorted the last of my powder and chomped a Mars bar.

When Esther returned, she cascaded Canadian dollars over the bed. We counted them giggling. She left again with more weighed-out Baggies, and then Toad appeared. I counted his money, and he too took more and left. I went to the lobby and crammed the cash into a safety deposit box, where it barely managed to squeeze in next to the money belt stuffed from the last trip.

By night time, all the hash had been sold, and I was $26,250 richer! I couldn't believe it.

"Wow. That went so fast!"

"I told you it would," said Esther, surveying the traces of our day's labour. "What are you going to do with the suitcases?"

I glanced at the slashed-up wrecks. They looked like they'd been attacked by Norman Bates from the movie Psycho. Oh, shit. What to do with the cases? Another little detail I hadn't asked about.

"Oh, god!" I wailed. "I never thought about that what do I do with them?"

She chuckled. "You could throw them out the window."

We went and looked out the window, which faced an inner courtyard, fourteen floors down. We laughed.

"Should I do it?" I asked, laughing at the thought. "Nobody would know where they came from."

"Can you imagine the people in their rooms seeing the cases fall by?"

We laughed louder and held the window sill to prevent ourselves from collapsing.

"How about the elevator?" I suggested. "I could wait till the middle of the night and put them in the elevator. Then send the elevator to the lobby."

We could no longer hold an and fell to the floor in a giggling heap. "I still think you should throw them out the window," Esther advised when she could get enough air to talk.

Amid the guffaws, though, I realized I had a problem. "I can't do that," I said. "These cases are a new scam. The narcs don't know about them yet. If I left them someplace, Narcotics would find out and know to look for that type of suitcase. The airports would be alerted. I'd ruin it for everybody; nobody could use them again." I groaned. "I MUST dispose of them where they won't be found."

"So what will you do?"

I hadn't the faintest idea. It seemed I wasn't yet the hot-shot professional. I said, "I'll ask Dayid. He should be arriving tomorrow. Oh, no! I can't let the maid in till I get rid of the cases. We really made a mess, didn't we?"

The next day, Dayid and Ashley called, and we arranged to, meet for dinner that night. I spotted Ashley as soon as she floated through the lobby's revolving door. She wore a floor-length red fox coat, with a red fox hood framing her blonde hair and a red fox muff encasing her hands. I was feeling sick again.

"I can't go to dinner with you," I told them. "I'm freezing and sweating. My legs hurt and I have no energy."

They looked at each other and smiled. "Don't you know Ni hat your malady is?" Dayid asked.

"No. Do you? What's wrong with me?"

"You're withdrawing," said Ashley. "You have a habit."

Addicted? Me? No. Not possible. "I can't be!" I said. "I haven't been doing that much smack."

But I knew immediately they were right. How come Monica and I had never figured that out? Especially since we knew enough to go to Neal's for a little taste whenever we felt too bad.

Dayid agreed to dispose of the cases for me, and I watched Ashley got out the door with him as I shambled back to the room. Goose pimples crawled over my body. I swallowed some over-the-counter Valiums I'd bought in India and took hot baths to ease the ache in my calves. After two days of that, I was fine.

Planes full of Goa Freaks arrived, and Montreal soon turned into a continuation of the party begun in Bombay. After Monica landed safely, Ashley told us about an apartment building that rented by the month. The next day Monica and I moved into an apartment, with Dayid and Ashley taking another one down the hall.

"Want a hit of smack?" Monica asked as we settled in. By this time, she too had figured out what had been making us sick. Sickness or not, though, the stuff was pure paradise, and I accepted. She winked as she handed me her stash. "Souvenir from Neal."

Every day brought another familiar face to Dayid and Ashley's apartment. The overflow filled our living room. Although no one mentioned the details of his or her business, I assumed we Goa Freaks were in Canada for the same purpose. I loved being part of these drug-smuggling outlaws, an underground community vibrant in the straight world of North America.

Though the Goa Freaks didn't discuss business specifics, they recounted dose calls with gusto.

Sitting cross-legged on the floor, Canadian Jacques told stories in his French accent. "This time, they detained me in London," he said. "There I was, peacefully waiting in the transit lounge for the connecting flight."

Goa Freaks crammed every corner of the room. Jacques scanned our attentive faces and tossed his waist-length hair over his shoulder. He fished a stash bottle from the sack hanging on his belt.

". . . and suddenly a man approached me," he continued as he snorted from an ivory spoon, "and asked me to follow him." Jacques scooped another spoonful and extended it to me. I leaned forward, and my nostril met it halfway.

"Hoo, boy—what happened?" prompted Monica.

Jacques went on with his story as he offered powder to the rest of his audience. "I knew they were going to search me," he said. "The man led me through a corridor and down a stairway." Despite the crowd, the room was quiet as the Goa Freaks listened. "The Customs official walked in front of me. I had a stash in this pouch tucked in my pants. I palmed the pouch, like this, and let him get ahead of me, then I threw it under the stairs where you couldn't see it. He took me to a room and had me undress." Jacques paused, and we waited expectantly. I was angry when he couldn't find anything."

The Goa Freaks cheered.

"My suitcases were there, and he searched everything. I was afraid he would give me a rectal exam or make me stay overnight. Sometimes they keep you to see if you shit anything out. But he didn't. He said I could go."

"Did you get your stash back?" someone asked.

"I bet he did."

"Of course he did."

Jacques smiled, raising and lowering his eyebrows.  "Bien sur! When we walked back, I waited till we passed the stairs then felt around in my pockets and said I'd forgotten my cigarettes. I ran back and picked up the punch."

The Goa Freaks clapped.

"The man gave me a funny look when I caught up with him but said nothing. Poor guy was so disappointed."

The Goa Freaks moaned and then laughed.

"To celebrate, I had champagne on the plane."

One close-call story brought another and another.

"That's like what happened to me."

"Once when I was leaving Orly."

"Germany's the worst. You know what they did to me?"

"No, Heathrow's the worst. Did I tell you about the time . . . ?" Weeks went by laced with coke, smack, and stories. At night, we'd go clubbing and spend time in the bathroom snorting and giggling. Everyone was free with their cash and stash. We felt rich, wild, and infinitely superior to everyone else. We were the Goa Freaks from India.

For my birthday, the gang threw me a party. The gifts were of gold and silver.

"Where are you going from here?" Monica asked one day.

"I'm not sure. The monsoon's starting in India, right? So I guess I can't go back there. What's the monsoon like?"

"Hoo, boy—it pours every day all day. It's impossible to stay in Goa in the summer. It's the time to do business and hang out somewhere hunky dory till the rains stop."

"How long does it last?"

"People start going back to India in September."

"I heard someone mention Bali. Ever been there?" I asked.

"No, but I've been thinking of going. Why don't we go together."

"Great! I want to visit Momsy in New York first. I'll meet you later."

"Okey dokey. Leave me your number and I'll call."

I prepared for New York. Airports had recently begun frisking people for weapons. Since I didn't want to be caught going into the States with a mass of cash, I decided to take the train. I phoned ahead, so Momsy would expect me, then enjoyed the relaxing train ride, feeling like a business traveller.

"Baby, is that you?" came her muffled voice as I entered the apartment.

"Momsy? Where are you?"

"Over here, in the closet. Do you think you could help me . . ." (She grunted.) "I'm trying to make room for . . . Oh, nuts!"

I entered her ballroom-sized walk-in and peered through a cluster of hanging clothes. Momsy." She looked so sad standing there with a finger in her mouth amid a pile of hat boxes. "What's the matter?"

"Fudge, I broke a nail," she answered.

When Momsy told me Aunt Sathe was in town from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, I hopped with excitement. Usually Aunt Sathe made only day trips to New York to see her migraine doctor, but this time she was staying overnight in a hotel in order to do some shopping. Though Momsy didn't get along with Aunt Sathe, I thought she was nifty. Tall and slim, she advertised electrical equipment on local Wilkes-Barre TV. She was also a bit wild. During my teen years. I'd turned on my cousin Matthew to marijuana, which I liked in those days. He, subsequently, had turned on his mother, and after that, whenever I'd visit, the three of us would retire to the basement for a puff. I could discuss things with Aunt Sathe I wouldn't dare with Momsy. Now, hearing she was in town, I couldn't wait to see her.

As soon as she opened her hotel room door I grabbed her in a hug. "AUNT SATHE!"

She responded with her usual heart-warming,  "TATALA!"—an old endearment. Aunt Sathe and the Wilkes-Barre branch of the family came from the Orthodox end of Judaism. She kept a kosher house and generously sprinkled her dialogue with Yiddish. Momsy, on the other hand, prided herself on her big-city worldliness and wouldn't be caught dead with a word of Yiddish in her mouth.

Aunt Sathe and I sat on the bed, and she held my hand as I told her about Goa and India. Then I dumped my cash on the coffee table. It formed a considerable mound.

Her mouth opened.  "Oy vey, tatala. What did you do, rob a bank?"

I had just completed, in my eyes, a remarkable feat and felt triumphant about my accomplishments. I'd travelled around the world for three years and returned with a load of money. I was a success.

I told Aunt Sathe the truth.

At first she was shocked and apprehensive. But the longer she sat before the cash, the more she mellowed. She picked up a rubber-banded packet of fifty hundred-dollar bills.

"What if you got caught, you shmeggeggy you?" she said.

"No chance. If you look good, you don't even have to go through Customs. Not in Canada."

"Oy, sounds like mishears to me."

By the end of the afternoon, she began to have visions herself. Though Aunt Sathe had not needed to work after her divorce from my uncle, I knew that grand vacations and thousand-dollar dresses were no longer a part of her everyday life.

"You know,  tatala," she said, "I've been thinking for a while now. There are no eligible men in Wilkes-Barre, and believe you me when I tell you I've looked. There's not one worth this much of my little finger. I have to get out, go somewhere. I wonder . . . Maybe . . . Do you think you could include your old aunt in one of those deals?"

I thought she was kidding.

"Now? What do you think?" she pressed. "Nothing dangerous, of course."

Aunt Sathe was serious.

"Didn't think I had the chutzpah, did you?" She crossed one long leg over the other and looked into another packet of hundreds. Aunt Sathe was really serious.

I didn't like the proposal at all. How could I involve my aunt in a scam? Could I send her through Customs with a set of cases? I looked closer at the elegant woman caressing her chin with hundred dollar bills. She was poised and chic and classy. No one would ever suspect her. Not in a million years. But she was my aunt!

At the end of the visit she reminded me, "You won't forget me now, will you, shana maidala?"

I shook my head but dismissed the idea from my mind.

Meanwhile, I ran out of dope again. I didn't want to find out how I'd feel without it. I searched the streets of Greenwich Village in the hope of finding something there. As I crossed Bleecker Street I heard someone call my name. It was an older version of someone I'd hung out with as a teenager. And it turned out that Older Version had been on the methadone program for years, though at present he was clean and working in a T-shirt store.

"Please, please," I begged him. "Score me some smack."

It took time to persuade him, but eventually he agreed. After I waited impatiently in his store for two hours, he finally brought me a packet, from which he'd taken some as commission.

Oh, a little snoot felt so good. I loved the feel of it seeping through my body.

But scoring the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that was an enormous hassle. It entailed begging Older Version to go and then waiting ages after he finally agreed.

"Baby?" Momsy said one day as I sat, miserable, by the phone in my third hour of waiting for Older Version to call me back.

"What?" I answered grumpily, not wanting to leave the instrument that was going to ring any second.

"I need your help."

I found Momsy in the dining room with her hands on her hips and a frown on her forehead. "I can't five with this upholstery another day," she said. "Look how the sun changed the colour over there. What do you think of a snazzy print to replace it? Creamish, maybe."

I shrugged. "I'm waiting for this guy to call."

"Or do you think a print would make the room too busy?"

I shrugged again. Two hours later. Older Version still hadn't phoned. New York was a real drag. I was ecstatic when Monica called and said she was ready.

*

Monica and I agreed to meet in Amsterdam and timed our flights to arrive within an hour of each other. I spotted her halfway across the international waiting room. Tall, blonde, and Nordic, with a guitar case on her hack, she was hard to miss.

We ran into each other's arms. After New York, it felt especially great to be back with my Goa friend.

"I have a hunky dory place for us to stay while we're here." she said. "You know Amsterdam Dean? I have the address of his houseboat."

I'd first met Amsterdam Dean when he'd been Saddhu George's roommate. We became better acquainted over the season. During the extended stay in Bombay, while Dayid, Ashley, and Kadir had succumbed to Bombay Syndrome—so engrossed in partying that business was delayed—Dean had a birthday party at the Horizon Hotel in Juhu Beach. The ballroom of the five-star hotel had been rented for the occasion and packed with Goa Freaks. Several rooms in the hotel had also been reserved and turned into opium dens, complete with opium baba and smoking paraphernalia. After hours coked-out at the party, the opium had been a delicious respite. I'd been impressed, and the idea of staying on his houseboat appealed to me.

We taxied to the designated canal and searched for the boat with the right name. Climbing aboard, we found Dean. He seemed thrilled to see us. "Welcome to my summer home," he said.

A pig stay. No maid service, obviously.

Monica and I moved aside enough of the clutter to make room for our luggage. "I don't have extra beds, but you're welcome to the Floor," said Dean, who had thinning, curly hair and glasses. The floor was fine. Dirty mess or no, I was with my Goa friends, and everything was dandy. I felt connected, a member of a secret society.

Sitting slanted on the broken arm of a couch, I browsed through the Amsterdam section of my address book. Perhaps I could find an old friend to look up. Bach! There was the phone number of his mother's house, where I'd spent one glorious week with him three years before. Did I dare call Bach? No, I didn't. But I couldn't help smiling as my mind filled with images of his blue eyes and the red and white striped shirt he'll worn the first time I'd seen him at a club called the Oxhooft.

His real name was Bart, but I'd called him Bach because he was so spectacular for an everyday name. His bulging blue eyes were as engaging as any concerto. Bach had been the first person I'd met who used smack. Being himself a masterpiece, anything associated with Bach was masterly too—including smack.

I looked again at the address book. No, I couldn't call him. But I let my finger ditch the spot where his name was written.

That night, I suggested we go to the Oxhooft, which was still a popular discotheque, according to Dean. Upon entering, I hunted every corner in search of Bach. No luck. I recognized the bartender, though, and let him slip me a free drink for old time's sake—a Genever, the Dutch gin.

Monica, Dean, and I danced and told Anjuna stories. What a difference between the drug scene in New York and the drug scene of the Goa Freaks. In New York it had been ugly. It entailed slinking down graffiti covered hallways and dealing with creepy, slimy people. With my Goa friends it was glamorous and gay and exciting. I felt part of an enchanted community as we huddled in the cloak room for a snort of coke, scooped in the silver Aries spoon Dayid had given me for my birthday. Before we left the club, I looked for Bach again. Still no luck.

The houseboat was fun, despite the stench of the toilet, which didn't flush and had to be dumped—where, I didn't ask. After another day there, Monica and I thanked Dean for his hospitality. "See you in Anjuna in September," we said and caught a plane to Singapore, where we checked into a Holiday Inn.

"Oh, poo!" I exclaimed, banging my fist on the bureau top.

"What's wrong?" asked Monica.

"I forgot to come in on my old passport. Now the new passport's ruined with this Singapore stamp. Shit!"

It took us an hour the next day to get a visa for Indonesia. Then, after buying a ton of electronics—Singapore having the best and cheapest in Asia—we hurried to catch a flight to Bali. Since we'd heard Singapore didn't allow longhaired guys into the country, we decided the place wasn't for us.

We arrived that night in Denpasar, the only city—more like a big village—in Bali. We slept in a hotel and had our first view of Indonesia in the morning. Breakfast awaited us on the patio, the teapot diapered in a strawberry-shaped piece of wool. As we sat outside and buttered our toast, we took in the leafy sights and chirping sounds and thick, flowery scents.

"Hoo, boy, look at that," said Monica, jabbing her marmalade toward a black-and-orange bird hopping along the railing.

"Oh, Monica, this is so great," I said. "I can't believe it. This is like a real vacation-type vacation that straight people go on. Only we don't have to go back to some job somewhere. I love being rich like this."

Later we took a walk through town, and Monica ran into a Goa Freak named Jimmy whom I'd never met. He had a puffy afro and wore a judo outfit pinned with a silver star that said "Sheriff."

"Yo! You chicks gotta come stay at our bungalow lodge in Legion. All the Goa Freaks are there," he told us.

"Hunky dory! I'm glad I ran into you. Who's here?"

"Trumpet Steve and Laura, Cindi, Michael, and Fatima. There's a bunch at the lodge, then Narayan and Richard have a house not far away . . . "He grinned and stuck out his chest. "I'm the sheriff."

Within an hour we were there. The lodge, right on the beach, comprised many bungalows, each split into two connecting rooms with their own bathrooms and patios. Monica and I took one next to Black Jimmy and his girlfriend, Elame from Vancouver. Across the way was an American couple, Trumpet Steve and Laura, and their baby, Anjuna. Anjuna had been born in a hut on Anjuna Beach during a full moon. Laura—and the twenty-two people who'd crowded in to watch—had been stoned on acid at the time. With her brown, shoulder-length hair and her large breasts, Laura was the epitome of "Earth Mother," and since her baby was named for the place we called home, she was a mother figure to us all. Though he didn't fit the part, Trumpet Steve tried to assume the role of papa.

"Like, hi. Welcome to our bungalow lodge," he said. "Let us know if you, like, need anything. We're, like, one happy family here."

Next to them, Sylvia, a dark-haired Italian, had half a bungalow, with Patrick, an English man, in the other half. Cindi, an American with short, blonde hair, had her own bungalow next door. All were Goa-people I'd never met. They welcomed us warmly, coming to say hello and to offer information and gossip. I felt very much at home. When I learned Jimmy was into smack, I felt even more at home. That evening, Monica and I dropped by his room.

"Yo, girls! Come smoke a few bhongs with the sheriff."

A bhong was a vertical bamboo pipe containing water. One's mouth fit into an opening at the top. The smack, sprinkled over tobacco, went in a bowl on the side.

"I didn't know you could smoke smack," I said.

"Hoo, boy—it's the best way. You use more dope, but it's more fun." Yes, I was going to like it there very much.

The beach wasn't much fun, though. Bali forbade nude bathing. Though we were miles from the touristy Kuta Beach, and though our beach was usually deserted, we still chanced a fine going naked. But constant horizon-scanning did not make for peaceful sunning.

*

One morning Monica came through the connecting door to my room.

"I'm not doing any smack today," she said. "I'm going to quit."

A controversy was growing over the smack. It was actually fairly new to the Goa Freak scene. Since the early sixties, when people started migrating to Goa, drugs had been a focal point of activities—but not heroin; mostly just hash and acid. The only people doing dope had been the "French Junkies," and they'd been scoped by all. The term  junky itself was used in a socio-economic sense to refer to a low-class drug user. It denoted a poor, sleazy person, someone likely to rip you off.

As the early residents of Goa involved themselves in the drug trade, the lucrative business transformed the sixties hippies into the rich Freaks of the seventies. Soon the loose cash led to the widespread use of cocaine, which led to cocaine nerves and then to the discovery of the soothing smack effect. It was Neal—who'd originally turned on the beach to acid—who'd also turned on the beach to smack. Neal had been an Original member of the scene. Everybody knew him or had heard of him, and everyone around him loved him. For as long as anyone could remember, Neal had given freely of his acid, his money, and his time. When he began to give out smack too, the smack rode an express pipeline into the soul of Anjuna Beach. When I'd arrived in Goa, it was just being introduced to the scene. Not everyone used it, and those who did didn't really see themselves as users. This was how it was with many of the Goa Freaks in Bali who, though they indulged in it now and then, also frowned on its use. On the days Steve and Laura didn't take a snoot, they disapproved of anyone who had.

"Like, you girls have to be careful with this powder," Steve said. "Like Laura and I, if we smoke one day, then we, likely won't do it for two or three days with that."

They and Sylvia and Patrick went through grumpy days now and then when they were "getting the powder out of their systems." None of us was sure where we stood in relation to it.

"I should stop too, sometime soon," I told Monica.

"Well, I'm stopping right now," she said. "I don't want to be too hooked. I haven't had any yet this morning."

"Good luck. How do you feel?"

"Fine. Come on, lazy bones, let's swim."

I snorted a hit of dope, packed a stash in my bag, and went to join Monica on her porch. Two guys sat there with her—Richard, my old friend from Goa, and someone sexy named Narayan. They were both American. Though Richard's hair wasn't very long, Narayan's was real short. On top of that he wore glasses. Not my type at all. But there was something in the way he moved . . . the way he leaned on his elbows with his legs stretched out and crossed.

I bent over to kiss Richard. "Where are you staying?"

"Down the beach. Why don't you two come by tonight for dinner?"

"Great!

How do we get there?"

"We'll pick you up. Listen, is it true you two are into smack now?"

I looked over at Monica tuning her guitar. "Yeah, well . . . now and then."

"You'd better stop that stuff, it's dangerous."

"I will," I said to dose the topic. "Hey, are we going to the beach?" Monica strained a chord. "Monnn—ica!"

"Okey dokey, let's go."

That night, Richard and Narayan came for us on their motorbikes. It seemed everyone had a motorbike, as it was one of the only ways to get around. The public himos (open vans) went by sporadically, bin if they had a fixed schedule, I didn't know it. I'd never been crazy about bikes. Though Richard didn't drive fast, I was still apprehensive.

"Please slow down," I told him more than once, imagining my knees colliding with asphalt.

A goose ran out to greet us as we pulled into the flowered courtyard of their house.

"Beware of the goose," said Narayan. "It bites."

As I climbed off the bike, the beastly thing followed me, honking and pointing its beak at the hem of my dress. I could hear Monica laugh behind me as I jumped backwards out of the goose's way, up the steps to the porch. From elevated safety I watched it turn around to snap at Monica's blue satin harem pants.

"Whoa  . . ."  she shrieked and quickly jumped up to the porch next to me.

The inside of the house had the old Goa look combined with Balinese batiks, a form of hand-printed fabric. We had several rounds of coke, and then a Balinese servant brought in the meal. Everyone ate with chopsticks—an "in" thing to do.

"Sorry," I complained, "I don't have patience for these things. May I have a fork?"

After a dinner swimming in soy sauce, Monica followed me to the outhouse in the yard. We had to run the last few feet to escape the goose.

"Let me have a hit of your smack," she said as we slammed the door just in time to evade the oncoming beak.

"I thought you quit."

She winked at me. "Maybe tomorrow."

Music blared when we returned to the house. I danced over by Narayan. During dinner I'd been impressed by his clever remarks. He wasn't just sexy, he was really smart. Though not my usual type, there was something awfully attractive about him—maybe it was his bright red Chinese pants that opened to reveal the sides of his legs. I smiled at him, and we danced toward one another.

"Want to see my batiks?" he asked.

"Sure."

We danced through the doorway and into his room, where, after a quick glimpse at the batiks, we sat on the bed. He opened a case of odds and ends and took me on a tour of his life.

"This is a picture of my ex-wife. You know Krishna? No? She fives in Anjuna. We both grew up in California, though I didn't know her then. Her name wasn't Krishna in those days, of course. Mine wasn't Narayan. Here, look at this shell. I found it on a beach in Australia."

We spent the evening browsing his memorabilia, until Monica sauntered in and said she was leaving. Richard leaned on the wall and rattled his keys.

"You're going? I'll go too then," I said.

"Stay a while," said Narayan. "I'll take you back later."

"No, I'm going." Part of me wanted to stay. I loved listening to his witty stories and had an urge to run a finger along his exposed leg. Another part of me, though, kept focusing on his measly two inches of hair.

"So," Monica asked later when we were alone. "You like him?"

I scrunched my face. "Not my type. That hair!" But I couldn't get him out of my mind.

The next morning, as I lounged on Monica's porch eating my usual fried chicken for breakfast, Narayan zoomed across the flagstone path that connected the bungalows. Patrick opened his door to investigate the racket and waved. Narayan waved back and shut off his noisy vehicle by our steps. Today he wore bright orange Chinese pants. To drive the bike he'd raised them around his waist, leaving his legs bare. He looked graceful as he swung himself off the bike.

"How come you're so graceful?" I asked him. "You move like poetry."

Monica rolled her eyes, groaned, and went inside her room.

"I used to be a dancer," he said, pirouetting over to me. "Do you always eat chicken for breakfast?" His red, flowery kimono opened, revealing a lovely chest, hairless and tan.

"No. Sometimes I eat steak, but they don't have it here."

"Meat! I've been a vegetarian for four years now."

"I hate vegetables. Never eat them. Ugh, they crunch." I pointed at the beautiful thigh Narayan held behind him in an arabesque. "I wish I could bend my leg like that." Monica slammed her window shut. Was she trying to tell me something? Did I sound retarded? "What kind of dancing did you do?" I asked.

"Ballet." He held out a book with Chinese lettering. "I came to your I Ching." After explaining the ancient form of fortune telling, he sat next to me and spread a piece of blue velvet material over the wooden boards of the porch. He handed me three coins with square holes in the middle. "Throw these," he said.

I tossed them on the velvet. He peered at them and drew lines on a piece of paper. I glanced at his short hair. It looked soft. Silky and soft. I resisted the urge to touch it. How could I be attracted to someone who looked so straight?

"Again," he said.

"Again?" I tossed, very aware of how dose he was. "Go on."

"More?" I noticed his pants had unwrapped from his legs again. "Keep throwing them."

I tossed. He scribbled. Somehow, the space between us grew smaller each time I leaned over to toss the coins and he leaned over to study them.

"Okay, that's enough."

"Aw, I was just getting into it."

He laughed. "Now let's see what your fortune is." He leafed through the book, matching lines. I leaned closer to watch. Our heads touched as we looked down at the Chinese characters and the English translation beneath. We maintained head contact, and I had trouble concentrating on what he said. To make sure he didn't move away I asked a few dumb questions. Yes, lust definitely made me sound retarded.

The warm days in Bali passed quickly. More and more Goa people arrived. As the summer progressed, the Freaks finished their business and looked for a nice spot to stay till the monsoon ended in India. Patrick and Sylvia got together for a few clays before deciding they weren't compatible. Steve and Laura continued their on-again-off-again dance with smack. And Narayan and I consummated our relationship.

We spent long afternoons in his bed. I was crazy about him. But he kept hassling me about the smack.

"Want saki?" he asked once.

"No, thanks."

"Oh, excuse me, I forgot you were a smack head. Who needs saki, right?"

Black Jimmy was my connection, and Monica and I never failed to spend a few hours a day smoking bhongs in his bungalow. Smack was great, but smoking smack was definitely the greatest pastime on the face of the earth. Ah, loved the feel of holding in a lungful of it.

One day, Jimmy appeared at my door. "Yo, it's the sheriff. Can I talk to you?"

"Come in. What's up?"

"The contact in Legion is drying out."

"Uh-oh. What are we going to do?"

"I'd like to score some weight and I need an investor. You interested?"

"Um . . . about it."

"I'd fly to Kuala Lumpur in Malaysia. I heard the smack's cheap there. Come back with a pound or so."

"How much money would you need?"

"I could do it with five thousand."

"Let me think about it. I'll let you know."

Secretly I was thrilled. Here was the chance to be an investor. Big profit. No risk. Of course I would accept.

I told Jimmy the deal was on and retrieved five thousand Canadian dollars in cash from the manager of the bungalow lodge, with whom I'd deposited my funds.

Jimmy seemed in no hurry to get going, though. Two weeks later, he still hadn't left. Our smack supply ran low, and it became a chore scoring enough of it.

"I'm quitting today," announced Monica one morning.

"What, again?"

"No, this time I'm really doing it. It's the perfect opportunity since there's so little available."

"Maybe stop too," I said. "This way, when Jimmy comes back front Malaysia—if he ever leaves—I can make money on the deal instead of consuming the entire smack myself. Okay, but take the Coke Cure. I don't want to suffer."

That afternoon I purchased enough coke to last a week. I finished my remaining dope stash and began the cure.

Large doses of coke made the first day merry. Of course at night I was too weird to sleep. That was okay too; I just deal more coke and went for a midnight dip in the ocean. By the third day, though, things became hairy. I was so wired. My nerves were a disaster from all the coke and no sleep. Every noise made me jump. Air molecules grew thick and moved around tauntingly. I hid in my room, being in no shape to socialize.

Monica gave in and indulged in a few bhongs with the sheriff.

I told myself: I'm going to get off this drug, even if Monica doesn't.

By the third night, I looked like a paranoid schizophrenic. When I'd first arrived in Bali, I'd bought a Balinese mask of the demon Rangda and had hung it from the ceiling fixture in my room. Its three-foot-long blonde hair hung halfway to the floor. The face of the mask had the most hideous features imaginable, and the Balinese waiters who brought room service would see it hanging there and marvel that I could five with it. It had never bothered me before. But now the damn thing swung around with every vagrant air current, and that horrible face turned to look at me no matter when: I went in the room. From Monica's bungalow came spooky Pink Floyd music.

It was more than I could stand.

Eeeek! I threw down the paperback behind which I'd been hiding, stood on a chair, and grabbed Rangda. I flung the homely thing face down in the closet. After securing the closet door, I went to Monica's room.

"Monica, please, please. I can't stand it. Please lower that music. I'm flipping out here. Please, please."

She winked. "Okey dokey."

Jimmy finally left for Malaysia. His girlfriend, Flame, remained behind, and she too decided to quit the dope. By the time she felt uncomfortable, I was on my fifth day (it was taking longer and longer to get the sniff out of my system). I'd discovered that, by drinking titanic volumes of alcohol, my nerves weren't in such a sorry state from the coke, and I could even sleep. Flame came to my room, and we ordered two bottles of gin. To call the waiters at the lodge, slit-shaped gongs hung on every porch and were to banged forcefully. Elame and I banged and banged on ours all night, sending the Balinese waiter for repeated orders of ice and orange juice.

"Hello again." Elame and I giggled at him hysterically. "You're so pretty. What's your name?" We nearly fell off the porch in drunken laughter.

When the sky over the sea glowed with morning, Elame and I tottered to the bed and barely managed to hoist up our legs and arms.

"I wish Jimmy were here. I'm so horny," she said.

"I have a vibrator."

"Goody, a vibrator. Maybe that will help."

I stumbled to the closet and fished under Rangda's hair before victoriously returning to the bed with the instrument.

"Ah," shrieked Elame when I poked her in the ribs with it. "That tickles."

After a final burst of laughter, we fell asleep, heedless of the humming from the vibrator. By morning the batteries had led.

On the seventh day, I felt fine. I'd had a good night's sleep, and the withdrawal symptoms had vanished. I joined Monica on the beach.

"How are you this morning?" she asked me.

"Great. It's over. I'm clean. Wow, I actually did it. That was some heavy week. But it's over." I lay down next to her and soaked up the splendid sunny morning.

By night time, I was stoned on smack again.

Oh, well. So maybe I didn't have to quit completely right now. I had set out to detox, and I'd accomplished that. I no longer needed dope—I just wanted it.

Whatever smack was available had become precious. One day Narayan stopped by to ask, "Come with me to Denpasar?"

"No, I'm waiting for someone."

"Who? Your new smack connection?"

"Did you see Monica on the beach when you drove in?" I said to change the subject.

"What's the matter—are you running low?" he asked sarcastically. "What will you do when you run out?"

"I have enough. Don't worry about it."

"I'm not the one who's worrying. What happens if Jimmy doesn't come back? What if he takes your money and goes somewhere for a vacation? Then what will you do?"

"Leave me alone. Go to Denpasar already."

"Maybe you're out of dope now? Is that why you're so snappy?"

"Will you leave me alone?"

"Why don't I check. Where do you keep your stash? In here?"

He started opening drawers. I ran after him. "Stop. Stop. Go away."

"What? You prefer your heroin to me? Silly question. Of course you do. No contest, right?"

"Are you crazy? Stop this."

"I'm not the one who's crazy."

He found my remaining stash and declared, "Look what I found!"

"Give me that." I lunged after the precious packet, but he held it out of reach. "Give that back." I jumped in the air after it, but he grasped it tight and prevented me from squeezing open his fingers. "NARAYAN! Give that back."

"Look how angry she's getting. Look at you, you're a mad woman."

"GIVE ME THAT!"

"What would you do if I flushed it down the toilet?" He went in the bathroom.

"DON’T YOU DARE."

"Look, she's starting to panic."

"NARAYAN! I SWEAR I’LL NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN. DON’T DO IT."

"Say please." He held my priceless treasure over the toilet.

That was it. The relationship was over. Nobody did that to me. Do anything, but don't take my stash. Finished. We were finished.

I walked away and sat on the bed.

I would not let him humiliate me over this. Did he want to prove that I had no control over using? I could stop if I wanted. I'd just done that. Did he want me to show I favoured him over heroin? No way!

I hated him for badgering me.

"What's the matter?" Narayan jeered. "You won't beg? Look at this—you've given up? You don't want it anymore?"

I threw him a murderous look but didn't budge.

He came in the room. "Here, take your poisonous powder."

I grabbed it from his hand and ran past him to lock myself in the bathroom. I stayed in there a long time, and eventually he left.

He wanted me to choose? Well, I'd chosen. Ha!

When he came back later that night, I refused to open the door. He pounded a while, then gave up and went away. Still I kept the door locked. An hour later, I went to investigate a sound coming from the bathroom and found him trying to climb in the high window near the ceiling. He didn't fit. With one arm and his head hanging in, he tried to talk me into forgiving him.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I won't touch your stash ever again. I promise. Let me in."

"GET OUT OF MY WINDOW!"

"Will you let me in?"

"Never. Go away." I closed the bathroom door and went back to the spy novel I'd been reading. I could hear his muffled shouting.

"CLEO. COME ON. I SAID I WAS SORRY. CLE-OOOO  . . ."

I ignored it but had trouble concentrating on the book. I was dying to throw my arms around him. I wanted to sit with him on his porch like the day before, laughing at his jokes and throwing liquorice drops at the goose. I wanted us to walk hand in hand through Denpasar.

But it was over now. He'd ruined it. I hated him for it. Monica came through our connecting door. "What's that noise?" she asked.

"Oh, it's only Narayan trying to worm through the bathroom window."

"Did you two have a fight?"

"It's over. It's just over."

Next afternoon, as I returned from a shopping spree, a Balinese porter rushed to carry the wooden statues I'd bought in Kuta Beach.

"Your friend is here," he said.

"Who? What friend?"

"Your friend—the black man." He smiled and added, "The sheriff."

"Jimmy! Jimmy's back?"

I left him struggling with the carvings and dashed down the flagstone path. Patrick was hurrying out his door. He beamed and announced, "Jimmy's back!"

I followed one rock behind him as we loped along the path. We entered Jimmy's bungalow to find everybody there from our lodge those pro-smack and those anti-smack, even baby Anjuna. Fat grins were on the faces of those waiting for the brimming bhong to come around.

"Cleo, like, Look who's here," said Trumpet Steve.

Jimmy sat at the centre of the group, reigning over his smoking paraphernalia, the silver star pinned to his chest.

"Welcome back," I said, giving him a kiss. "Good trip?"

"Right on." Jimmy held up a tin powdered-milk container. "Yo, dig this. One pound of pure Malaysian white dope."

I squeezed into a spot between Steve and Sylvia and accepted the bhong from Elame, who lit it for me. As I exhaled a cloud of smoke, Jimmy held a carved ivory spoon to my nose.

"Try some this way. Primo shit, man."

I took two snorts in each nostril and joined the others in their childish grins. Patrick lifted the milk container, peered at its soft white contents, expanded his smile, and passed it to me. I gazed at it a bit, then passed it to Sylvia. Everyone had a turn caressing it. We ordered wine and lounged the night away in Jimmy's room, smoking and sniffing his acquisition. It was a time for celebration.

The party atmosphere extended for days and then weeks as friends, and friends of friends, came by for the feast. It seemed we turned on everybody within five miles. Jimmy repeated his tale over and over.

"I heard Kuala Lumpur was the place to score," he retold us, "but I didn't know anyone there. So, know what the sheriff did? I hired a likely looking taxi driver to drive me from the airport, and I asked for his help. He drove me around a while, and I gotta tell you, I wasn't sure this Dode wasn't gonna rip me off or hand me over to the narcs. And then."

Narayan came to see me a few times, but either I was at Jimmy's whose room he wouldn't enter because of the smack—or I'd locked myself in my room and wouldn't answer his knock. Sometimes, I ran into Narayan at one of the outdoor discotheques Monica and I frequented. I'd ignore him.

But I missed him. I missed the way he put his head down and locked sideways after saying something cute and clever.

One afternoon, as Monica and I returned from the beach, we passed aslew of police going the opposite way. Policemen! At least a dozen of them. Holy shit! Hastily we entered our bungalow and locked the door.

"Hero, boy! What was that?"

Peeping out the curtained window, we saw the police enter Jimmy's room and heard Elame scream. She screamed and screamed. The rest of the lodge lay quiet and still. The screaming went on, accompanied by crashing noises. Then silence. After an hour of crouching by the window, Monica and I dared to venture across to Patrick's.

"They're waiting for Jimmy," he informed us. Patrick had heard from the room service waiter that the police had come for Jimmy, who'd left only moments before.

"We have to warn him," I said.

"I'm not driving out of here now."

"Maybe I could sneak away by the beach."

I returned to my room, changed back into a bikini, grabbed a towel, and strolled casually to the beach. No one followed. As soon as I reached the sand, I dropped the towel and ran. I ran the mile or so till I came to the path heading inland to Narayan and Richard's. I ran into their compound so fast the goose didn't bother coming after me. Puffing and sweaty, I ran into the house shouting, "THE POLICE ARE AFTER JIMMY! THEY HAVE ELAME! WE MUST WARN HIM!"

"Well, what did you expect?" said Narayan. "Half of Bali knows he's dealing smack."

"Come on," I urged. "We have to stop Jimmy before he drives into the trap."

"Isn't that fitting—there's a posse out for the sheriff."

"Narayan! Come on. Richard?"

They did organize themselves quickly and rush to their bikes. Richard said he'd check places Jimmy might be. Narayan would stay on the road to stop him if he returned.

As Narayan swung his leg over the bike, I noted again how graceful he was. It had been weeks since we'd been lovers—since he threatened to flush my precious stash down the toilet. I gave him a hesitant wave. Could I forgive him? Then maybe we could be together again. "Good luck," I called out to them.

When I ran back to the lodge I found everything still quiet. Monica wasn't in the Bungalow, and when I went to track her down. Trumpet Steve waved me to his place. They were all there. It looked like a town meeting.

"The police are, like, still here," said Steve. "They're, like, waiting to ambush Jimmy."

"It's okay. I have Narayan and Richard covering the roads. They'll stop him."

"We've, like, got a problem."

"Maybe the police will go away when they see Jimmy's not coming back," said Sylvia.

"Hoo, boy—they've got the smack."

"Wait a minute, we don't really know what they're after," said Laura.

"Maybe it has nothing to do with the smack. Maybe they just want Jimmy."

"If they want Jimmy, they want the smack," said Patrick. "And if they're in Jimmy's room, they have the smack."

"And they, like, know we're all one group."

"Do they?"

"We could be separate tourists. How would they know we knew each other before?"

The speculations continued. By evening, we were restless. After watching the room service boy go to Elame twice, I beckoned him to find out what was going on there.

"She orders dinner," he told me.

"But what about the police?"

"They order dinner too."

"I'm going over to see what's happening," I told the gang.

First I went to my room to change. Then, taking a deep breath, I knocked on Elame's door.

A policeman answered.

"Hi," I said stupidly.

"Come in," he motioned, smiling.

"Can I come in?"

"Come in."

"I want to visit my friend."

Elame greeted me with a strained frown. "Friend. Friend," she told them.

The police moved to the other side of the room to give us privacy.

"How are you?" I asked her.

"I haven't had dope since this morning. They're waiting for Jimmy."

"What happened? Did they find anything?"

"Only a little hash. I threw everything down the toilet and out the window. Did you hear me scream? When they walked in I screamed: I'm naked. GET OUT! GET OUT! So when they saw I was alone and undressed, they waited by the door. That's when I got rid of what I could."

"What about the smack?"

"They haven't found it yet."

"Did they look?"

"They looked through everything, but they didn't bother with the can of smack. They must have thought it was powdered milk."

"Where is it?"

"In the wooden cabinet, right in front. They searched there, I saw them."

"You need dope? I brought you a stash just in case."

Around midnight, I walked back to Narayan, and Richard's.

"We found him," said Narayan. "I found him. Stopped him on the road. He was about to drive into the lodge."

Jimmy was hiding behind an armour. He looked scared. "Yo, man, that was close. They almost got me."

"They haven't found the smack yet."

"I've gotta split this scene," Jimmy said. "The sheriffs having a bummer here."

"I'm taking him to the airport tonight," Narayan told me. "Richard lent him money for the airfare."

I followed Narayan as he went to his room, but I didn't enter. I stood in the doorway and watched him uncertainly. As usual he wore a bright flowery kimono. Red was a great colour for him. He turned to face me and sneered.

"See what happens with heroin?" he said mockingly. "Bad karma." I made an impatient noise and looked at the ceiling. Narayan came closer. "Bad karma!" he said again, loudly, with slitted eyes. I pushed him away. "I'm glad this happened," he continued. "Glad! Now you'll have to scrounge for your dope. Serves you right!"

"Fuck you," I said and spun away from him.

He took hold of my hand and said gently, "Don't go."

I pulled away forcefully and stormed out.

By the next morning, Jimmy was out of Indonesia. Meanwhile, the police were frustrated from waiting all night for nothing. When they finally left, they took Elame as consolation. They put her in a hotel and had her guarded so she couldn't leave. They stationed a sentry in Elame and Jimmy's bungalow.

Late in the afternoon I went to the hotel to bring Elame dope. When I arrived back at the lodge, Steve and Laura were holding another town meeting, this time over the tin of smack.

"We have to get it out of there," said Laura. "If they haven't found it yet, they still may at any moment."

"Like, what do we do?"

"Wait for an opportunity."

That night, at different intervals, we prowled outside Jimmy's bungalow and peered through the windows, seeking a chance to run in and grab the can. At one point, the policeman heard Monica and I giggling and came out to investigate. Leaving the door open, Monica squatted and pretended to pee. I then quickly closed the door and went back inside. I laughed out loud.

"But Monica, there's a perfectly good toilet only four Feet away. This isn't Goa, you know."

"It worked, didn't it?"

"They're going to think we're all a little strange."

The next day, Steve announced, "We've got to, like, move out of this lodge. It's too hot here with those cops and that tin of smack they might find, like, any second."

"Yeah, what if they need powered milk for their coffee?"

"I found us a place called Kaiya Waiya," Steve continued. "It's a gorgeous, like, resort further down the road. It was built two years ago, but after it was finished, it turned out the site was, like, haunted. Nobody wanted to go near it. It's been deserted ever since, so we can stay there for practically nothing. Wait till you see it, like, you won't believe it."

That afternoon I climbed behind Monica on her motorbike and we went to check it out.

Stupendous. An absolute dream. Kaiya Waiya consisted of castle-like houses with walls surrounding inner courtyards. We toured the place in awe. Wooden statues hid amid tropical greenery. Here a dragon, there a garuda, a bird from Hindo mythology. Carved, multicoloured snakes peeped from bushes. One house had its own swimming pool, and Steve thought Monica and I should take that one.

We were thunderstruck when we saw it. It had a moat. A moat! Obese goldfish swam in the moat, and a Balinese man fished there. We entered double wooden doors to find a six-foot stone Ganesh—the Indian half-man, half-elephant god—shooting a stream of water into the pool. Off the side, a fountain spouted from the mouth of a gargoyle. Chaise lounges surrounded the pool, and steps led to a patio overlooking acres of paths. Gigantic flowers climbed the inner walls. Behind sliding glass-doors was the bedroom. The other side of the room opened onto a patio facing the sea. We were speechless. The bathroom was down a few steps and half outdoors. Among plants and carved figures lay a sunken tub of mosaic tiles.

"We'll take it," I declared.

"Like, dynamite, huh?" said Steve. "I spoke to the caretakers and talked them into letting us stay here. We're the only ones who ever wanted to. I told them we'd take ten to fifteen houses, so they agreed. The thought of the money must have made them brave enough to, like, tackle the ghosts."

We moved.

The house I shared with Monica became the party place. Ours was the biggest and had the Pool. It became the hangout for all Goa, and friends of Goa, Freaks. No ghost ever made an appearance, though. We called to them, invited them for a swim, and offered them hits of dope. No ghost.

Meanwhile, Elame was still being "detained." I went twice to bring her dope, but it was difficult to find transportation back. No himos cruised so far from town, and hitchhiking was impossible—whenever a driver heard the name Kaiya Waiya, the car door would slam in my face.

I developed a phobia about motorbikes. They terrified me, and it seemed that, as soon as a guy realized that I was afraid, he'd drive faster and more recklessly. Only males did this, so I felt safer with female drivers. Monica had a bike, but I didn't want to abuse our friendship by asking her to chauffeur me around. There was only one solution—I had to learn to drive one of the damn things myself.

I'd gone with Narayan once to the motorcycle rental place outside Denpasar.

A Chinese woman ran the profitable business, which also invested in scams, money lending, and other illicit activities. A huge. Oriental-looking man was her second in command. When I accompanied Monica to the Shop to pay her monthly fee, I told Huge Oriental I too wanted to ride.

"I teach you," he assured me. "You five near beach, good place to practice."

The next day Huge Oriental turned up at Kaiya Waiya with a Yamaha, and I soon putt-putted on my own. A bike was less terrifying when I drove it myself. Slowly I crept along, very pleased with my valour, despite my senior-citizen speed.

Suddenly, the police turned their attention to me. They'd found out from the manager of our old bungalow lodge that I was the one who'd given Jimmy five thousand dollars before he'd left for Malaysia. The manager also told them the total amount I'd left in deposit with the lodge. The very large amount, all in cash.

Unlike my friends. I'd never been antipolice. I liked police officers. I found them reassuring to have around. I admired their work and had always been friendly with any I'd met. In the same way, I now became chummy with the inspector who came to see me. I invited him and his subordinates to make themselves comfortable by the pool.

This frazzled Monica, and she rushed away fast. As she exited, I asked her to send the waiter with drinks. The nice inspector was suitably pleased during the next hour of courtesy and propriety.

"You like Bali?" he asked me.

"Wonderful, wonderful."

We got along so well that he never even inquired about the money I'd given Jimmy. Though I felt reasonably safe after he left, I buried my stash and extra passport in the bathroom garden.

"Good morning, sleepyhead," said Monica one day, entering the bedroom from the Pool area. "You made the paper."

"You're kidding! Why? What does it say?"

"Patrick has it; he's outside. It's about Jimmy."

"Oh, shit."

Nude, I stepped out into the morning sun, where four people lay basking and another two swam. "Patrick—you have the newspaper?"

Without opening his eyes he handled it to me and said, "The headline's a dozy."

AMERICAN TOURIST SOUGHT BY POLICE. A real the story of how the police had been searching for Jimmy, and how they’d discovered he was out of the country by a telegram he'd sent. The telegram came from Thailand and was addressed to—ME! There was my name, reproduced along with the whole contents of the telegram. He was fine, the newspaper informed me, and he wanted me to forward his belongings.

"I made the papers. I'm famous!" I exclaimed.

"Do you think it'll give you trouble with the inspector?" asked Monica.

"No. We're good buddies now. And as long as I keep my stuff buried in the garden, they can't reach me. Do you believe the police stole my mail? Isn't that against the law?"

That afternoon Elame was officially arrested. The next day Steve brought news "The police released Jimmy's possessions and Patrick has the smack."

"YOU’RE KIDDING! The can of smack? My smack? Patrick has it? Yahoo! How did he get it?"

"As soon as they, like, stopped guarding the room, he just went in and took it. Just in time too, because right after that the manager, like, packed Jimmy's things and locked them away."

"That's so great! Yawee! A miracle!" I did a dance around the pool. "Patrick is not comfortable holding it, though, so, like, you better pick it up as soon as you can. He told me to tell you."

"I'll go first thing in the morning."

My smack! My whole pound of Malaysian smack—I was going to get it back! Hallelujah!

The next morning I was still in bed when Monica came in from the terrace.

"Guess who's here and wants to see you?"

"Who?"

"Narayan. He says he has something for you. He's outside."

"Hoo. I don't want to see him." I had a snort, put a tape in the stereo I'd bought in Singapore, and climbed back in bed.

"Cleo, Narayan's waiting for you. He says it's important."

"Tell him to come in."

"No, he wants you to go out."

"In a minute." I closed my eyes and enjoyed the smack coursing through my bloodstream.

"Hoo, boy—Cleo, you better come out here," said Monica a little while later in a strange tone.

"What does he want?"

"Narayan's gone, but he left something for you. I think you should see this." I climbed off the bed and went through the flimsy drapes waving in the sea breeze. "Look what that bastard did," she said.

On the floor of the porch, standing by itself, was the powdered milk tin that had once contained the smack. Water now filled it, and a pink flower floated on top.

"Where's the smack?" I asked.

"He said it was evil, so he threw it in the ocean."

"He dumped my smack in the ocean?"

Narayan threw my five thousand dollars worth of pure Malaysian heroin in the ocean?

NO!

Not my smack! And he left me the container filled with sea water and a flower!

I stormed back through the drapes.

"What should I do with this can?" shouted Monica after "I don't give a shit about the can!" I flung myself on the bed and bunched the pillow into a ball. BEAST! How could he do that to me? I hated him. HATED HIM. I wanted to tear his skin off bit by bit. I wanted to gouge my fingers into his eyes. I wanted to bury him to his neck in sand and watch the sea come in. HATEHATEHATE!

Monica entered shaking her head and said, "He has a lot of nerve."

"I could kill him. Kill him!"

She went out the other way to the Pool. I lay smothering my pillow and fuming. How could he? After all the time we spent together. How could Narayan take something so important to me and threw it in the ocean? Oh, did I hate him. I wanted to see him chopped into little pieces. He couldn't do this to me and get away with it. No way. I would KILL him.

No, I would have someone else kill him. That's what I'd (For sure I could find someone to do it. If you paid enough money, you could get the natives to do anything. I had the money. Yes, that's what I'd do. I'd have him killed. I'd ask Huge Oriental. He was the closest thing to a gangster I'd seen on the island. He would find someone to kill Narayan for me. Oh, I couldn't wait to see Narayan's dead Body. I would celebrate his funeral for a week. He couldn't do something so mean to me without reprisal. No way. I'd show him.

That afternoon I headed for the motorbike shop to speak with Huge Oriental. I still burned with fury, but as I rode the always-deserted road, skirting the chickens who ran in front of my wheel, I rethought the plan. Was I being too drastic having Narayan killed? Did I really want him dead? Were money and lawlessness making me cold-hearted? Would this be bad for my karma?

Maybe death was too extreme. Maybe I should just have him beaten up. Yeah, good enough. I'd order his arms and legs to be broken. That would satisfy me.

As I drove in the shop, huge Oriental glanced up from the broken headlight in his hand. "How is the driving?" he asked.

"Great. I love it. But I have another favour to ask you."

"Yes? What can I do?"

"You know Narayan?"

"Narayan. Yes, of course." He continued fixing the headlight.

"He's a bad man. Very bad. He stole my money. I want his arms and legs broken. You know someone who can do it?"

Huge Oriental looked at me. "You are angry with him, yes?"

"Very angry. He ripped me off. Will you help? Here is one hundred dollars." Huge Oriental put down the light when I handed him the hundred-dollar bill. "You get someone to break both his legs and both his arms, and for every tooth you bring me I will pay another twenty-five dollars. Okay?"

He smiled. "You are very angry."

"Yes. Will you do it?"

He folded the bill and nodded.

"Don't forget, for every tooth I will pay another twenty-five dollars." Driving back, I glowed with inner peace. I'd show that Narayan. He couldn't do something like that to me.

My visa was running out again. I was nearing the end of my third month in Bali, and, technically, three months was the limit for foreigners. Instead of returning to the Immigration office in Denpasar, I decided to fly to Java and try to scam a three-month extended visa. I'd tell them I was studying the Hora or something. It would be cooler to be out of Bali while Huge Oriental performed his dastardly deed.

Leaving Monica in charge of the house, I journeyed to Jogjakarta. My sojourn there included a tour of the Borobodour temple and a night with a beautiful Indonesian who had black skin and waist-length, Asian hair. I found him hanging out with Australians, cashing in his good looks with the foreign women. He wore expensive western clothes and drove me to his home on a motorbike. It was late at night when we arrived, and we tiptoed through a hall, passing a horde of people, old and young, sleeping everywhere. I stepped over three snoring, ancient women and squeezed past a table occupied by two toddlers.

In an inner room he woke his brother curled on a mattress and sent him to find another bed. In the morning, as we prepared to leave, the entire family came to meet me, touch my hair, and examine my clothes. One great-grandmother lifted my skirt to feel the satin with her calloused fingers. Kids with thumbs in their mouths stared.

I was anxious to return to Kaiya Waiya. I missed my friends and couldn't wait to visit Narayan in the hospital. I fantasized about him lying there helpless and bruised. I planned to sit by his bed, hold his hand, and gloat. I'd bring him the same kind of flower he'd left me in the powdered milk container, and I'd tape it to his cast. Oo, oo, this would be good!

Gleefully, I flew back to Bali.

"Cleo! Hunky dory!" greeted Monica. "Welcome back."

Laura waved from the pool, where she was giving baby Anjuna a donk.

I tore off my clothes and dove in the water. Coming to the surface, I leaned my arms on the edge of the pool and asked nonchalantly, "Anything happen while I was away?"

"No," answered a recently arrived Goa Freak. "A few good parties, that's all."

SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! That meant Narayan was not in the hospital. He hadn't had his legs and arms broken. The bastard was on the loose, as healthy as ever. SHIT!

"Oh, yes—Jimmy sent someone from Bangkok to help get Elame out of jail," added Monica.

That afternoon, I rode to the motorbike place to seek Huge Oriental. Not only was I furious that Narayan was still in one piece, I also felt Huge Oriental had cheated me out of my money. I didn't think it wise to confront him too harshly, though. One shouldn't yell at a gangster.

"No see, many days already," said Huge Oriental as I stepped around a pile of tires and entered the Shop. "You were away?"

"I went to Java for a visa."

"It is pleasant there?"

I nodded, then blurted, "You didn't get someone to take care of Narayan for me." Huge Oriental shook his head. Now what? I couldn't interrogate the bouncer-type on his non-compliance. "Well . . . then . . . just keep the money as rent for my bike. It'll cover the fee for a month, okay?"

"You want it that way? Okay."

I drove off miserable that Narayan was unharmed, but at least I no longer felt I'd blown the money. Some gangster!

On the way back, I stopped in Kuta Beach for a dorian milkshake and bought a Balinese oil painting, which the man packed in a bamboo holder. Then I went to the beach and sat on the sand amid Australian tourists. Look at that—they all wore bathing suits!

The longer I sat, the angrier I grew over Narayan. I needed revenge. Could NOT let him get away with throwing my dope in the ocean, but I couldn't think of anything. What to do? What? What?

Anger brewed and brewed. I had to do SOMETHING.

Idea! I'd go to Narayan and hash him on the head. If I killed him good. What could I use to hit him? I felt the bamboo package. It wasn't very hard, but I'd use it if I couldn't find anything better lying around Narayan's room. I jumped up, marched to the bike, and took off with determination.

As I neared Narayan's place, I talked myself into looking relaxed and cool. I had to visit him like a friend. If he suspected anything, he'd be on guard. I'd have to be nice to him until he turned his back. And then WHAM!

I turned off the road onto the sand path leading to his compound. It was difficult to drive on the soft ground, and the bike kept sliding and getting stuck. I parked it fifty yards from the house, giving up on driving closer. Walking from there, I tried to rid myself of burning anger. Calm. Calm. Be calm. I must be calm and cool. Win him over. He mustn't suspect.

There he was. I saw him sitting on the porch. Smile. I must smile. The smile wouldn't work. I felt it go crooked on my face.

"Well, well," Narayan said with boast in his voice. "Look who's here. To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"

I lost it. I couldn't smile. Couldn't do it. Couldn't. I wanted to strangle him. Something stung my foot, but the pain couldn't pierce the rage. I looked down. It was the goddamn goose. I ignored it.

"Well, it's always nice to see you," Narayan continued. "Can I offer you tea or are you here for some other purpose? I must say I'm surprised."

My brain clogged.

"Come inside," he said.

I followed him into the house.

He smirked at me. "Are you getting enough dope? Having a hard time scoring maybe?"

"FUCK YOU. THAT STUFF COST A LOT OF MONEY, YOU KNOW!"

"Gee. You annoyed I dumped your powder in the ocean? That's where it belongs."

No longer able to contain myself, I swung the bamboo above my head.

He easily warded off the blow and caught my wrists.

"Woo, Look at this—it's Wonder Woman!"

"LET ME GO!"

I kicked and bit and broke Loose. Close to tears, I ran out the door, down the steps, and into the trees. Narayan ran after me tauntingly. So did the goose.

"Is that why you came here? You wanted to fight me?" He laughed. "Isn't that mean. And I thought you wanted to hang out."

I almost reached the bike when he caught up. He tackled and we fell.

"STOP. LET ME GO." I screamed and fought. Soon he had me pinned on the ground. "GET OFF ME." I couldn't move. Helpless, I lay under him shrieking, "LET ME GO. LET ME GO."

A passing Balinese heard and came to investigate. As he neared, Narayan released me.

I scrambled up.

Shaking, I inserted the key in the bike. Narayan remained on the sand, watching. His laughter followed me as I sped away, tears of fury streaming down my face.

*

A week later, Monica gave me the news. "I'm leading on a trip," she said. "My money's running out and I have to do a run."

"Where are you going?"

"Australia."

"Hash?"

"Well, good luck. How long will you be gone?"

"Maybe a month. You'll still be here, won't you?"

"Yeah, think so. Is this your own trip?" I asked.

"No. I'm running for Narayan," she said.

NARAYAN?

Shocked, I could only watch as she opened her suitcase. Tom; could my best friend do business with my worst enemy? Where was her loyalty? Stabbed in the hack my best friend! My best friend! How could she do that to me?

I watched her fold a dress and pack it. Betrayed! She was going to Australia with Narayan! MY Narayan!

The next day she was gone.

I threw many parties over the following weeks, and at one I met Chic—a tall, thin Colorado boy with blonde hair reaching halfway down his back. He wasn't a Goa person, though; he was of the Kathmandu crowd—close cousins. He'd lived in Nepal for seven years and owned a club there, a popular Freak place. The world had few Freak communities—Goa was one, Kathmandu another. We felt related.

Chic and I spent sunny days filming movies with the eight-millimetre movie camera I'd bought in Singapore. I filmed the Goa Freaks at Kaiya Waiya. I filmed Chic's beautiful nakedness diving into the Pool. I had Chic film me on a motorbike, driving at the remarkable speed of ten miles an hour.

Chic turned me on to Balinese magic mushrooms that, unlike acid, only lasted an hour or two. You could munch a handful in the afternoon and the trip didn't kill the whole day. Sold legally in Bali, a hotel down the road listed mushroom meatballs on its menu. At one of my daytime parties, I catered from the hotel. They supplied me with turtle kebabs and a platter of meatballs. I posted a sign on the table:

MEATBALLS = I TRIP

For an hors d'oeuvre, I offered cheese spread on crackers. In the cheese I planted a pill, a combination speed and downer. In my mind I imagined my guests would pluck the pill, swallow it, and then eat the cracker. Unfortunately, people popped the whole thing in their mouths.

"BBBBLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!" they’d exclaim at the taste.

What a face they'd make. "No no," I'd hurry to say. "You're supposed to swallow the pill and THEN eat the cracker. Here, have some wine to wash it down."

One day, returning from Denpasar, I decided to stop at the police station to say hello to the inspector.

"Hi, remember me?" I said, sticking my head in his office doorway.

"Hello. Please have a seat. Will you take a glass of water?"

"No, thanks. I just came to say hello."

We chitchatted a while, and then he said, "You are leaving Bali soon."

"No," I answered, not understanding. "I wasn't planning to leave, no."

"We have a new Chief of Police. He is unhappy about the situation with your friend Jimmy. It is political."

When I drove away, I contemplated his words. Had he warned me of impending trouble? Was that his way of telling me things were getting hot? Should I leave Bali?

Before going home, I visited Max and Barbara—New Yorkers, both Goa Freaks. They also lived at Kaiya Waiya. I found them in the open inner area of their castle-like house playing with their baby under a frangipani tree.

The three of us had previously discussed a possible business arrangement. They had two sets of hash-filled cases stored in Bombay and were willing to split fifty-fifty with whomever carried them to Australia. Mulling over ways of transporting a double load, I'd remembered Aunt Sathe's desire to do a run. Well, why not use her? It no longer seemed an absurd idea. It no longer seemed improper to involve my aunt in a low risk, high-yield venture. Wealth was pleasurable, and I wanted to share the feeling.

So I wrote to Aunt Sathe, asking if she was still interested, and she wrote back, yes.

"Hi, Max. Hi, Barbara. I've just been advised to leave the island. What's happening with those cases?"

"If you want them, they're yours," said Barbara.

"I can do an aunt-and-me run. How does that sound? Great, huh? My aunt and I will take the cases together. Aunt Sathe's in her late forties and carries herself like the First Lady. What do you think?"

"Your aunt will run cases with you? Does she know what's inside?" asked Max.

"It was her idea! I arrange to meet her in Bombay. Where will we find you in Australia?"

"Our connection's in Melbourne. We'll meet you there. I sell the dope, and we'll split the profit."

"Terrific."

Three days later, I was back in Bombay, with Aunt Sathe scheduled to arrive a week later. In the meantime, I decided to find a house in Goa before they were all rented for the season. I wanted something permanent. I wanted a house of my own that I could fix up and have available at all times.  I wanted a permanent home. A permanent Goa Freak, that's what I wanted to be.

At Dipti's in Bombay  I  ran into Dayid and Ashley. When  I  told them  I was on the way to Goa, Ashley suggested I  stay in their house.

"By now it's a slovenly quagmire of dost and mildew," Dayid added, "but you're welcome to it."

I flew down to a very green Goa. The monsoon, now in its last throes, had caused vegetation to flourish like an alien Fungus. Grass hid the paths, and insects keek-keeked and eeped. Inside Dayid and Ashley's house, I found everything packed. Cobwebs stretched wall to wall. Still, it was Dayid and Ashley's fantastic house, and I felt honoured to be there. I dumped my bag in a dusty corner and set forth on my mission.

Up and down I searched the deserted beach, asking for a house. Aside from the occasional French Junky poking a tousled head from a hut, no foreigners could be seen. From Indian to Indian I went, but they shook their heads or pointed behind the paddy fields. I couldn't find what I was looking for.

No longer accustomed to walking, I was exhausted by sunset. That night, lying on a mouldy mattress, listening to the rain on the roof, I snorted smack, punctured a spider web with my foot, and indulged in the feeling of being in Goa. This was my home now. I loved this place. I WANT to find a house.

The next day I followed a lead and sought a local man named Lino, whom I finally found at Nelson's Bar off the Mapusa road. "Yes, I have a house for lease," he informed me. "I can fix for you. Shall we go see it?"

As we neared the beach, I grew excited. We headed right for the area I wanted—in the centre of Anjuna Beach by the sea. Encouragingly, Lino seemed interested in my desire to rent a house on a long-term basis. "Here," he said finally. "This is it."

"This?" I despaired at the sight of it. The building was enormous and, rare for Goa, two stories high. But it didn't have a second floor. It didn't have a roof! The ground floor was a mound of dirt and fallen bricks among which a tree had grown. Its branches hung over the crumbling walls. "This is a ruin!"

"Yes, but I will fix. This is the house from my childhood," said Lino.

"There's a tree in it."

"I will pull out."

"I don't know . . . "

"If you accept, it will be ready in two months only."

A few days and many miles of walking later, I took it. We agreed on a ten-year lease. The rent totalled a thousand dollars a year, exorbitant for Goa, where most people paid no more than twenty-five dollars a month. He said he needed two years paid in advance so he could afford the repairs.

*

I fell in love with the idea of building a home. Having grown up in an elevator apartment, I had a fascination for stairs, and this two-story house fulfilled one of my prima' fantasies. Since most of it was yet to be built, I could design it the way I wanted. I toll Lino to construct the second floor only in the back half of the house, leaving the front rooms with a high ceiling.

Feeling like I'd sprouted a root, I flew to Bombay to meet Aunt Sathe. I registered her at the Oberoi-Sheraton, the city's second best hotel (after the Taj Mahal).

"Oy,  tatala, why is that woman lying on the dirty sidewalk with her baby?" asked Aunt Sathe, looking out the window. "Haven't they heard of bacteria here? What kind of meshugge mother is that?"

"Aunt Sathe, those are beggars. They five on the sidewalk."

"Oyvey!"

"Sometimes they even mutilate their children so they come beg for more money. See the boy with the limp . . ."

"Enough already. Don't tell me anymore!"

That afternoon, I went to collect the suitcases where Max had toll me I'd find them—in storage at the Astoria Hotel. Soon, Aunt Sathe and I were in flight to Sydney, Australia.

"How do you feel?" I asked her on the plane. "Scared?"

She made a reassuring face, but I could tell she was nervous. "If only I could have a snooze, tatala, I'd be much better. I have a secret cigarette with me, but I don't think they'd let me smoke it here."

Oh, SHIT!

We were carrying eight kilos of hash each, and Aunt Sathe had a joint on her! Just what I needed—to get busted for my aunt's marijuana. "AUNT SATHE!" I wailed.

So, I'm sorry. I won't go anywhere without a supply. I need it for when I get a migraine. It relaxes me and Jets me sleep."

"But Aunt Sathe, we have SIXTEEN kilos of hash for you to smoke."

"Now don't be a nutpick I couldn't smoke hash. It's made by Arabs."

"What, so it's not kosher?"

"Well . . . I would feel better not smoking it."

"Aunt Sathe," I explained, "this hash comes from Afghanistan, and while the people who make it ARE Muslim, they're definitely NOT Arabs."

"Same thing."

I looked out of the window a second before asking, "Is your stash well hidden, at least?"

"Stop worrying already, you  nudnik you. It's in my makeup case under my eyelashes. They'll never find it."

Shit. It they were to search us, that's the first place they'd look.

When the flight attendant handed her the dinner menu, Aunt Sathe ordered the kosher plate.

Arriving in Sydney, everybody had to go through Customs. Aunt Sathe—as she always did when nervous—began to chatter. I thought I'd the as she proceeded to direct her verbal anxiety at our Customs inspector.

"So, tell me, boychik, are there nightclubs in town? How about a discotheque for my groovy mace? How's the weather? Oy, is that a paper cut you've got there? I have some antibiotic cream here."

He, apparently, was enchanted.

I wondered if the pounding in my chest was the beginning of a heart attack.

". . . and isn't that interesting," I heard Aunt Sathe say with a preposterous amount of excitement. "We speak the same language yet five an opposite sides of the globe. What a shame though."

Exiting Customs at last, it was me who was the wreck. My dumb beige dress stuck to me with sweat as I steered my aunt toward our connecting Melbourne flight.

"What's the matter,  tatala? Why the long puss? I thought that went well."

Barbara joined us a few hours after we checked into a hotel—the Hilton, of course. Aunt Sathe would have been depressed had we stayed anywhere else. Aunt Sathe adored Barbara—especially after she managed to pry her nice Jewish last name out of her. I was horrified. Last names were something Goa Freaks never discussed. They were too connected to the straight world we'd rejected.

"Where's Max?" I asked, desperate to steer the conversation away from Barbara's family tree.

"He stayed in Bali with the Baby. Because of his long hair we decided it would be best if I came alone."

That night a guy Barbara knew from a previous visit took Barbara and me to a local club. Like Melbourne in general, it was ultraconservative, but we had a Brand time scoffing at the natives.

"Look at those white socks over there. What IS that dance step the man is doing?" We laughed. "I think he's trying to imitate an ostrich." We stared openly at his feet. "A pregnant ostrich."

"I don't think ostriches get pregnant." We laughed louder and continued to stare.

"That's it exactly, then. A surprised, pregnant ostrich!" We pointed, laughed some more, and attempted to imitate the step. We were Goa Freaks, elite beings, and no one else mattered.

A bouncer approached, asking Barbara's friend to remove his hat. "Men don't wear hats indoors in Melbourne," the bouncer told him. When the friend refused to comply with the archaic request, the three of us were politely asked to leave.

The next day, white Aunt Sathe was at the beauty parlour, Barbara told me about the trouble she'd had later that night after they dropped me off. "I was followed by the police," she said. "I'm living in a quiet, residential neighbourhood. Maybe they didn't like my freaky clothes."

"Maybe they were just making sure you got home safely," I suggested. "When will you take the cases?"

"I was supposed to meet the connection tonight to weigh the dope, but now I don't know. What if the police are watching me?"

"Barbara, I can't wait here forever. This hotel and my aunt are costing me a fortune."

"But I'm scared."

"Okay, if you don't want to go, I will. Give me the name and address, and I'll do it myself." Feeling confident and fearless, I was sure I could handle it. "Of course expect more money," I added.

In the end, Barbara decided to go that night herself, and she had no problem. A few days later, she gave me forty thousand Australian dollars, and we kissed goodbye, planning to meet in Goa. I gave Aunt Sathe half, twenty thousand dollars.

It was still too early to go back to India. The house wouldn't be ready yet. Aunt Sathe and I decided to stay in Australia and have a vacation. We flew to Sydney and checked into another Hilton.

"So,  tatala, how do I  find my rich next husband. Nil? Any suggestions?"

"Find a man you like and stare at him. You'll see. It works."

"Oy! I couldn't!"

She could. And she was great at it. Elegant and beautiful, she didn't have to work hard to collect admirers. As we explored the city, we never went far before Aunt Sathe found us a personal guide. We'd visit the opera house, the koala bears at the zoo, and other assorted tourist sights, and, not long after we arrived back at the hotel, one of our guides would be calling her or sending flowers.

"Why don't you answer the phone, already?" shouted Aunt Sathe from the bathroom, removing rollers from her hair.

"I don't want to miss this TV program. It'll be for you, anyway. Who is it this time? The lawyer?"

"I hope it's the  mensch from the opera. Remember? With the moustache?"

We intended to stay in town a while, so we moved to an apartment, and I made plans to model—just for fun; I didn't need the money. One of Aunt Sathe's boyfriends sent her an opal necklace.

One night he heard a knock on the door. Aunt Sathe and I looked at each other.

"Who is it?" we asked.

"POLICE. OPEN THE DOOR."

"Oh, shit."

No choice but to open the door. Three of them entered, two men and one woman. "We have reason to believe there's heroin or methadone in this apartment," the woman said.

Aunt Sathe had no idea I'd been doing smack. The amount I'd brought to Australia with me had recently run out. For two days I'd been making desperate—and obviously not subtle—quests for more. I'd been able to find only methadone, and that was exactly what I had in the apartment—a full bottle of methadone. The police began to search.

Less than an hour before the police had come, I'd swallowed a speed pill that now took effect and caused me to buzz around joyously. While I was concerned they'd find the bottle of methadone—not to mention Aunt Sathe's kosher stash—it was nonetheless difficult for me to stop smiling. My mouth couldn't restrain its happy grin. Soon the policemen were charmed, and they joked with me as they peered into drawers and cupboards. They thought Aunt Sathe charming too as she chattered about the difficulties of the currency exchange system.

And all I had with me was some of your Australian dollars, and of course they wouldn't take my American dollars, and then,  oy, when I pulled out Indian rupees.

The policewoman, however, was not impressed. She threw me dirty looks. When she examined my passport and saw my birth date, she became ferocious. It turned out we were born the same day of the same month of the same year. We were both twenty-six, only she looked over thirty and I barely looked eighteen. She hated me.

"Where is it?" she asked me coldly. "We know it's here. Where is it?" She seized my handbag and hunted through it. She unfolded a letter I was in the middle of writing.

OH, NO!

THE LETTER! Memory of what I'd written shot through my brain. OH, SHIT! I'd recounted the details of the Melbourne scan, and how much money we'd made. If she read that, Aunt Sathe and I would be dead.

I lunged at the policewoman and grabbed the letter from her hand. I wanted to jam all four pages in my mouth and swallow them. She held on tight, though, and her eyes flashed poison as we struggled. Of course she pried it back.

Gratification spread over her face as she read it.

"Look at this," she said to her companions when she'd finished. She oozed with triumph and smiled menacingly in my direction.

Meanwhile, something had stunned me—the image of wrestling with a Inspector of the police. Only criminals fought with police, and I'd never pictured myself a criminal. I viewed my enterprises as capitalist, not felonious. Drugs were illegal in the western world, true, but they hadn't always been, and they weren't illegal everywhere in the world. I considered the prohibition against drugs a temporary situation and considered myself an innocent creature in a time trap. A criminal—no! Not me! I'd always been comrades with the police. Struggling with the woman placed me on the other side of the law for the first time, and I didn't like the way it felt. Her side was so much stronger.

They continued searching. My pensive state coursed away on the tide of the speed pill and I floated through the next hour, peppy and exuberant. A policeman took Aunt Sathe to the safe in the office and found our cash—the exact amount of Australian dollars I'd mentioned, braggingly, in the letter.

They left the money in the safe, though. And I kept smiling.

The police woman looked into everything, opened everything, and pulled everything inside out. She did the bedroom last. I held my breath when she took hold of my overnight bag—that was where I'd put the methadone. Still smiling, I watched her Lift everything out, piece by piece. Johnson's Baby Shampoo. Birth control pills. She laid them on the bedside table. Her hand closed on the unlabeled bottle of methadone. She placed it on the table next to the shampoo. It stared at me from across the room. But she didn't notice it.

Hadn't they come specifically for heroin or methadone? Didn't they know what methadone looked like? The yellow liquid seemed the brightest thing in the room. To me, it glowed like a slice of sun, and everything seemed to point in its direction. But she didn't see it.

They found nothing illegal.

Three hours after the police arrived, they left, taking my letter with them but leaving the money. Glaring at me murderously, the woman was the last one out the door.

Ecstatic from the Speed and heady with the satisfaction of eluding the police, I felt like Master of the Universe. I knew they'd be back as soon as they drew up the necessary papers to get at the Australian cash we had no way of legitimating. I immediately moved us to a different hotel, and by the next afternoon Aunt Sathe and I were out of Australia.

Successful in the face of adversity! I had no doubt foresight and good sense would protect me forever.

Ever since she'd seen The King and I, Aunt Sathe had dreamed of visiting Siam. I wanted to give her a treat she'd always remember, and since I'd heard that Siam (now called Thailand) was the heroin capital of the world, we flew to Bangkok.

The month long co-existence had strained our relationship. Aunt Sathe had been unnerved by the Sydney affair, and, though we looked forward to touring Bangkok together, we agreed it would be best to five separately. I had the secondary motive of needing to find a connection. I took Aunt Sathe to the Sheraton, then went to a place I'd heard about, the Malaysia Hotel.

The Freaks were international and mobile, so Freak enclaves existed around the world. These havens provided access to the local scene. Among fellow Freaks, friendship was instantaneous and resources were readily shared. The Malaysia Hotel was a major Freak place in Bangkok. It turned out to be everything I'd heard and more. The hotel overflowed with Freaks and hippie travellers. Entering the Lobby, I had the feeling everyone knew each other. In a corner hung a bulletin board with notices, messages (some obviously coded), and warnings to beware of particular undercover narcotics agents. The warnings described the agents, noted which countries they worked, and provided the names they were currently using. I felt connected to a brethren and part of something.

Two guys stepped in the elevator as I went up to my room. "Just arriving in Thailand?" asked one.

"Yeah, hey, this is a great hotel."

"Damn right. Find anything you want at the Malaysia."

"Know where I can get smack?" I asked.

"Drop your bags in your room and come to ours. Two-oh-two."

Within minutes, I had a bhong in my mouth, as I sat with them and three others. "Oh, boy. You've no idea how much I missed this sniff," I said, savouring a lungful of heroin. "I've been eating Opium and drinking methadone for weeks. Ahh. Now, this is the real thing."

Daytime was spent with Aunt Sathe. We visited the Reclining Buddha and the Emerald Buddha. We explored the floating market, the weekend market, and the snake garden.

"Aunt Sathe, a man's ogling you."

"Where?" she asked, speaking like a ventriloquist, with her lips hardly moving. "Not that shmuck with the Hawaiian shirt?"

"No. Over there by the Buddha bell."

"Oy vey, look at that pot belly. That fat  tush. You can find me better than that,  tatala."

Aunt Sathe loved Bangkok. I loved Bangkok. I adored the Malaysia Hotel.

At night my new friends and I would go to the movies. The Thai dope was potent, though, and I slept through most of them. We all did. When the movie ended we'd go back to the hotel, smoke more smack, and try to decipher the plot from the Bits we'd managed to catch.

"I remember him entering the factory, and then I nodded out," someone would say.

"I saw the factory scene," another would offer, "They started fighting, and a dude bashed Bruce Lee over the head with a barrel and then . . . I don't know. I guess I fell asleep again."

"That part I remember. I woke up as the barrel . . ."

One morning, my Malaysia Hotel friends and I took a boat ride down a canal. We slept through that too.

After three weeks Aunt Sathe returned to Wilkes-Barre. "Bye, Aunt Sathe," I said, hugging her tightly before she left. "I'm so glad you visited your Siam."

"It’s been heaven, tatala. I'll be waiting to hear about the next scheme."

"Scam."

"Scam. Oy, never get that right. Don't forget, if you see my doctor friend, tell him how much I liked the bracelet he sent."

*

Walking down the street a few days later, I heard a voice call my name—"Yo, Cleo, it's the sheriff. Wait up."

"Jimmy! You've been in Bangkok all this time? How's it going?"

"A real bummer, man. I'm broke."

Black Jimmy and I went to smoke bhongs, and he told me his woes. He was having a hard time maintaining his habit. I gave him some stash. He needed money. I gave him a few baht (the local currency). Goa Freaks were supposed to help each other.

"Bummer, man. The sheriff's on a bummer."

Over the next ten days I gave him more—both money and dope then I got fed up with supporting him. Fellow Goa Freak or no, his bummers ended up costing me money. Enough was enough.

I made a quick trip to Laos, partly to escape him. I returned with a Laotian marriage canopy to hang over my bed in Goa, a suitcase of Laotian wall hangings, and a toothpaste tube crammed with Laotian smack.

Then it was time for India. One last thing to do before leaving for Bombay—I wanted a porno movie. I'd bought a projector to show the movies I'd taken of the Goa Freaks in Bali. I thought a porno film would be an extra novelty to entertain the gang in Anjuna Beach.

A few hours before my flight, I went to Patpong Road and searched the streets of the red-light district for the right type of person. Finally I found someone in a bar who promised to deliver the film before I left.

"Soon, okay? My plane to Bombay leaves at 3:55."

When he didn't show at the hotel, I was disappointed.

I never expected him to deliver the film to the airport and was horrified when I was paged out of the departure lounge and confronted with the sleaze holding a brown paper bag.

"Oh, it's you. That greasy bag is for me? Uh, thanks, I guess." I looked around to see if anybody was watching. Everybody was watching. I didn't open the bag to check its contents in front of the dozen seated passengers, two security guards, three courtesy personnel, and a whole Cathay Pacific check-in counter. I paid him his twenty dollars in good faith.

Going back through Immigration and the weapons check carrying the bag, I felt conspicuous. I didn't peek inside until I reached the plane's toilet. Hey, it did contain a canister of film; and when I held it to the light I glimpsed tiny naked figures. In colour even.

Now I had the problem of sneaking it into Bombay, where such things were prohibited. The projector was another problem. India was strict about allowing certain products into the country. Cameras, tape players, and electrical equipment were heavily taxed, and the government tried to prevent their being sold on the black market. They had to be recorded on one's passport and taken out of India at the time of departure. Since I wanted to leave the projector in Goa and not take it with me whenever I left the country, it was important that it not be marked in my passport.

Arriving in Bombay, the Customs inspector asked his usual, "Camera? Radio?"

I sacrificed the camera. "Yes, a movie camera," I said, hoping he wouldn't look beneath it to find the projector, nor beneath the projector to find the film. He didn't.

I'd changed during the monsoon season. I'd become audacious—a slayer of police dragons; and I'd become powerful—a chieftain of destine. I'd even learned to drive a motorbike! I'd earned the title Goa Freak and loved everything about being one—the excitement, the outlandishness, the opulence, and the camaraderie. What a wonderful life! I couldn't resist staying at the Sheraton. One's hotel reflected the success of one's monsoon business. The Sheraton or the Taj Mahal meant extremely profitable business; the Nataraj and the Ambassador, very good; the Astoria and the Ritz, nice, steady work; Stiffles, struggling (except at the end of the season, at which time it was okay); Bentley's, scrounging and probably looking to borrow money. Those staying by Juhu Beach near the airport were probably still doing business. And those like Kadir—who'd just taken an apartment to which no one had yet been invited—were most likely involved in a large-scale, continuous operation centred in Bombay.

Bombay buzzed as the Freaks returned from the monsoon months of business. The Freak hotels were fully booked. The air hummed with gaiety and festivity. Old friends reunited. From the end of September, ml the Goa Freaks began returning to India, Bombay was packed with people on their way down to Goa or just up from Goa. Dipti's had a crowd outside on the street, waiting to see who dropped by for ice cream and gossip.

"Shambo, man, how was your monsoon? Did you hear I saw Alehandro on Chicken Street in Kabul. He's bringing down a truckload of . . . "

" . . . about the generator Pharaoh bought in Japan . . ."

". . . superb Bolivian blow. Brought it over myself . . . let you . . ."

". . . from Laos. And I scored a porno movie in Bangkok. Why don't you drop by my room at the Sheraton . . ."

The shops and stalls of the silver market, Chor Bazaar, Bindi Bazaar, and Crawford Market were deluged with newly earned money. Dollars, yen, francs, pesos—you had to wait in line at the black-market currency exchange. Drugs from around the world, gadgets, electrical equipment, jewellery, art, trophies from the monsoon, all exchanged hands. We sat in each other's rooms and vied over whose stash would be used.

Everyone wanted to pay the tab. For dinner, groups of us would go to the Ambassador and order four courses each. While waiting for the appetizer, personal stashes would come out.

"Have you tried my Colombian coke?"

"Hmmm. Not bad. Now do a whiff of mine."

". . . here, and pass this down . . ."

"Anybody ever taste blue coke? Try this, man . . ."

Powders would pass back and forth across the table until the food arrived. By then, of course, we were too coked-out to eat. With a concerned frown on his face, the maitre d' would ask what was wrong with the food.

"Nothing. It's great."

"Delicious."

"Wow, man."

"The best."

Nevertheless, our food wound up back in the kitchen, practically untouched.

Between parties, I tore through the markets buying things for my new house. I got carpets at the Handloom House; papier-mâché boxes, candlesticks, and six-inch-high Kashmiri tables from the Kashmir Emporium; tasselled, velvet pillow covers from Crawford Market; and yards of satin material to make sheets. I ran from my safety deposit box at the Mercantile Bank to the black-market exchange—where the money doubled—to the shops and marketplaces, and then back to the bank. I bought so much, I had to take the boat to Goa.

India was different now that I had money. This time I had a cabin on the front. First class occupied the top deck and consisted of one suite and six cabins, two of which held other Goa Freaks. A blonde Irish named Shawn had the suite. Junky Robert and Tish had a cabin across the halt from mine. We hung out in Shawn's suite, sniffing dope and coke, ordering room service, and telling our monsoon stories.

"Loathe me, it was something else, I tell you," said Shawn. "This was the first time I'd been to Ireland in six years. What a gas to go back with dough. Last time my father wouldn't talk to me because of my bong hair. Kept telling me to clean up and get a job. He talked to me this time, he did. The entire village came to see me. But, Lord, was I glad to leave. What sour fives they five—working every day."

"I don't know how they stand it," said Robert, nodding out, eyes closed and head leaning against a porthole.

"Can you imagine going to job every morning?"

"I'd puke!"

"Loathe me, nine to five. How do they do it?"

"Beats me. I'd rather be dead."

In deck class, the last time I took the boat, dinner had been banged down on a crowded, dirty counter; this time it was served on a white tablecloth. Before; it had been cold rice on a tin plate, this time I had crispy chicken on porcelain. Yes, India could be quite luxurious if one had money.

During dessert, Robert fell asleep with his spoonful of honey pastry midway to his mouth. It dropped from his hand and landed on his lap, waking him.

"Damn it," he said as syrup spread over his thigh.

As we laughed, a smile crept across his face. He inserted the spoon in his dessert cup and scooped out a load of syrup. Whop! He shot it at Shawn's chin.

Whop! Shawn fired back.

Whop! Whop! Tish and I joined in.

By the time we left the table, yellow streaks covered the tablecloth, and my hair was sticky. A glob of honey ran down the wall, and Tish had honey hanging from an ear. We left the room giggling uncontrollably. With his head held high and one eye closed, Robert slipped fifty rupees into the waiter's palm. The waiter bowed.

In poverty-stricken countries the rich could five like sovereigns.

MAP OF ANJUNA BEACH

Second Season In Goa

1976 - 1977

ARRIVING IN PANJIM, we split up because bags and packages filled every inch of my taxi, and I wasn't going directly to Anjuna Beach anyway. I first had to go to Mapusa, the village near Anjuna where Lino the Landlord lived. I'd sent him a telegram and found him waiting for me in his four-foot-square battery shop.

Anxiously I asked, "Is the house ready?" I couldn't wait to move in and become an official resident.

He shook his head side to side Indian fashion. It looked like no or indecision but meant, "Sure." Then he said, "One or two things remain needing to be done, but you can stay inside."

"Wonderful!"

"You go now? I will follow on my motorcycle."

I felt euphoric. As the taxi headed down the traffic less road to Anjuna Beach, tears filled my eyes. How beautiful it was there. My territory now, where my people lived. I knew there'd be a party that night.

I was surprised when we turned oh the paved road onto a dirt way that took us across the paddy fields. I hadn't known a car could go so close to the sea. The taxi left me thirty yards from the house, and I ran to see the new hone.

Yes, it had a roof. White and blue windows. It looked immense.

Wow. Mine. My home! Lino pulled up beside me. "You see, it is finished."

With a key, he opened the padlock connecting the brass rings of the front doors. I walked in with the reverence someone might show for a cathedral. Shiny red tiles felt cool beneath my feet—no dung floor here. I passed through the front room and up three steps to the main room—huge! The tree was gone, and the ceiling rose high above me. The staircase! It faced me from the far wall, turned, and went up to the square landing I'd designed. Upstairs, one enormous room led into another. The end room turned right to extend a further thirteen feet. Wow. I'd make this gigantic space the bedroom. I opened a window to a fishy-smelling breeze. The ocean lay fifty yards away, on the other side of the pig-as-waste-disposal toilets.

Toilets? "How could they build toilets in front of the view?" I asked Lino, who'd followed me upstairs.

"We are afraid to swim. Our houses face away from it, and we put the toilets behind the house."

"You never swim? Hey, is that a door?"

"Yes. You have five doors leading outside."

I opened it to find concrete steps descending to the back porch. A few feet away was the well. I stepped down and ran a hand lovingly over the seats of the porch.

"How do you like?" asked Lino.

"It's the most wonderful house in the world."

I re-entered through the kitchen door. As I moved from room to room, images, colours, and designs flew through my brain. "This will be the dining room. Is that a sink?" By the window was a concrete depression with a drain hole. Bending to peek through the hole, I caught the eye of a chicken pecking in the yard. "Oh! . . . How cute." Water would have to be carried in from the well.

"Are there furniture stores in Mapusa, or must I go to Panjim?" I asked.

"No stores. I know a carpenter. He made your stairs. You want I send him to you?"

"No ready-made furniture?" I gazed around the room. "Hmm. Actually, it might be fun that way. I can design what I want. I'd like to have a long table here. Enough to seat twenty people. Low, so we'll be sitting on the floor, get fluffy cushions. . . . Hey, this will be great!"

As soon as I unloaded the taxi, I unpacked the most important item—the bhong. I smoked a few bowls of tobacco and smack, put on a new Singapore dress, grabbed the silk parasol I'd bought at a Bangkok market, and headed for the south end beach.

"Hi, Laura!" I waved to familiar faces.

Zigzagging through bronze bodies, I helloed my way to Amsterdam Dean and laid out a lungi. "I got a house," I said, overflowing with the joy of a homeowner.

"Yeah, where?"

"Just down there, behind Apolon's  chai shop. It's two stories."

"Two stories near Apolon's? Isn't that a ruin?"

"It was. I had it fixed. Took a ten-year lease."

"A lease? How much are you paying?"

"Ten thousand rupees a year," I said proudly.

"TEN THOUSAND RUPEES! What? He’s ripping you off. You can’t let him get away with that!"

"It's a terrific house," I protested. "He made it the way I wanted."

"No place is worth ten thousand rupees. You'll give the Goans the idea they can change us anything they want. Watch, now everybody's rent will go up." Dean had been cleaning ashes from a chillum and, turning the chilum over, he pounded it forcefully. I felt misunderstood. "TEN THOUSAND RUPEES!" he exclaimed again, louder than before. "You'll ruin the beach."

"Wait till you see it," was all I could answer. Why didn't he applaud my building a mansion in a prime spot? Humph!! Did he expect me to settle for a shack behind the paddy field?

Then again, although the Goa Freaks were money-oriented, life in Goa was rather simple: no electricity, no running water. Would domestic extravagance change the ambiance? Well, so what? They'd called me Hippie Deluxe in Europe; now I'd be Freak Deluxe. A few comforts wouldn't destroy the pristineness. Besides, the Goa Freaks hired locals to fill their water vats, clean their houses, and do laundry. They'd already progressed beyond living like natives.

Ruin the beach; I'd show him ruin the beach. I would make: myself a castle. Let everybody's rent go up. The Goa Freaks could afford it.

Before returning home I ran an errand—scoring coke. This season I wouldn't wait to be offered some. I had plenty of money to buy my own. I could buy as much as I wanted, and I wanted a lot.

Junky Robert and Tish lived in a house up the rocks from the beach. I entered their door to find Tish on a mattress reading a book and Robertin the process of falling asleep. While the bottom half of Robert kneeled on the floor, the top half curled over, about to plunge head first into an open suitcase.

"Cosy little place you have here," I commented.

". . . to Bombay Brian's," said Junky Robert, waking suddenly and finishing the sentence he'd apparently started before he nodded off. "Oh, hi, Cleo."

"Did you find your letter?" asked Tish. "Joe has it for you in his back room."

Joe Banana now kept aside the mail of people he knew, putting the rest in the box on the porch. I felt honoured. An official Anjuna Beach resident. Tish supplied me with a gram of coke, and the three of us went to Gregory's restaurant for dinner.

Exhausted by the time I returned to the house, my vitality returned when I saw my roof peeping over the palms. My home! The coke perked me up more, and I spent the night pushing boxes and planning what would go where. My very own house, made to order. Oh, this was going to be great.

The next day, I crossed the paddy field to the road where motorbikes and their Goan drivers waited for passengers. Unlike my male friends, Goans would obey me when I told them to drive slower. In Mapusa, I hired a taxi and, making numerous trips to the marketplace, filled it to overflowing. I needed twenty kerosene lamps to light all the rooms. Pillows, mattresses, bags and bowls—I had trouble matching the drab coloured items sold in Mapusa to the bright colours I envisioned for my interior decor.

"No, not grey," I said to a merchant. "I need orange. You don't have orange? No, no. That's a boring brown. I need orange. ORANGE!"

When I could spare time from art work, I went to a beach party. With the noisy generator up the cliff out of sound range, the band's electric guitars blasted from a wooden stage. Beneath them, eighty dancers stomped the sand in bare feet.

Beyond the dancers, hundreds of Freaks stood and mingled. Further back, groups sat around candles planted in the sand. Furthest away were the worm-like shapes signifying sleeping people in bags. Goa's Freak beaches extended north and south on either side of Anjuna, and the people who lived there came to our parties and spent the night. While some hardcore Goa Freaks preferred to five off Anjuna—usually on an isolated beach far away—most of the people from other beaches were transients, new to the scene.

My crowd sat near the band. I found myself a choice spot next to Dayid, Ashley, Barbara, and Max and offered my stash of coke.

"Did you and your aunt have a nice time in Sydney?" asked Barbara.

"Eek, would you believe the police searched our apartment?" I said. And I recounted the events that took place after I left  Barbara  in Australia. I loved the admiration the Goa Freaks showed for my successful brush with the law. "Close call, huh?" I said at the end. "Who's that?" I asked, pointing to someone in black and silver dancing around a tree.

"That's Petra," answered Dayid. "Haven't you taken cognizance of her in Kathmandu? She's resided there for years. I think this is her first peregrination to Goa, though."

"You should see her house in Nepal," said Ashley, holding, aloft a foot-long cigarette holder. "It’s decorated in black and silver, and she has a pet owl."

Petra joined us. She wore layers of black skirts in different lengths. From her neck, ears, wrists, and waist hung jingling silver ordainments. She had a deep voice with a German accent and spoke with sharp, dramatic emphasis, a remnant of her days touring Europe with the Living Theatre.

"HelLO, CHILdren of the sun god HuitziloPOCHtli," she said, spreading her arms like a priestess addressing a temple of followers. "This beach is MARvelous. I've never been a BEACH person, though. I like the MOUNtains."

I offered her a snoot of coke and felt thrilled to be part of these spectacular people.

"NEAL!" I shouted, spotting my old friend distributing acid to the crowd. I ran to kiss his cheek. "Where've you been?"

He giggled and shook his bangs. "What a story. Open your mouth and have a drop of this first." He held an acid-packed straw over my tongue and tapped. A drop fell.

"Mm, thanks. So, what happened?"

"I went to California and found out I was a father! I met this woman the year before. We were only together one night. Shortly after, I left the country."

"Meanwhile she had a baby?"

"Can you believe it?"

"Were you writing each other?"

"No, nothing like that. I never thought I'd see her again in my life." I laughed. "So now you've brought her here? The baby too?"

"Both of them."

"Oh Neal! Has this woman been to India before?"

"She's never been anywhere before."

I clapped my hands, giggling.

Later I met Eve, the mother of Neal's baby. Wavy long hair covered most of her face, with her half-concealed eyes looking spaced-out. "Neal's told me about you," she said in a soft voice—sickly soft, almost a whisper. It sounded controlled, like she had a scream she was trying not to let out.

"What do you think of Anjuna Beach?" I asked. Her one visible eye focused on me again. "Two weeks ago, I never guessed I'd see Neal again. Now here I am." She arched her back peculiarly and seemed to shift inward, focusing on a private thought. "Well, good luck." I said, thinking Neal had snared himself a bizarre one. Actually, I was almost sad that Neal had a woman and baby with him. He'd been a great friend to hang out with. I wondered if it would be the same with than around.

Soon, daylight crawled over the hill. As the stars faded, dawn energy had everyone up and dancing. Through the eye of my movie camera I watched them face skyward to dance with the sunrise. Here and there, a sleepy head surfaced from a worm shape to behold black night turn whitish blue. I filmed Paul on the stage singing a song he'd written, inspired by such an occasion: "Welcome in, come on welcome in, come on welcome in the dawn, welcome in the dawn . . ."

This had to be the best place on the planet.

Later that morning, I took a walk with Paul to his house on Joe Banana's hill behind Tish and Junky Robert's. He and Pan had been having problems lately, mostly over his use of smack. Pam was now pregnant and living elsewhere on Anjuna Beach.

"You must come see what I'm doing to the house," I said as we climbed his front steps. "I bought fifteen mattresses in different sizes. A tailor in Mapusa is sewing covers for them Poor man had a hard time measuring them while they were stuffed in the back seat of a taxi."

Paul began to chop coke and I pounced on a pen and paper I spotted.

"Let me show you what I'm doing in the dining room," I said. Lying on my stomach, I drew. "See, this is the table having made. I bought nine orange and nine yellow rugs to go under every side cushion." Paul stretched out next to me and placed the mirror on my drawing. I snorted a line and moved the mirror aside. "For the two ends, I have bigger carpets in the same colours."

"Yeah?" Paul peered at my scribbles. His body aligned the length of mine, one hand resting on my back.

"Every cushion will be different." I resumed drawing. His hand moved across my back and down my legs. "See, some will be striped this way, and some striped that way." When his arm could reach no further, it backed up, burrowing under my skirt.

"Two walls will be orange, two yellow . . ."  He reached the top of my legs. I'd stopped wearing underwear months before. "Ummm . . . the shelves too, one yellow, next one, um, orange  . . ."  His fingers slid between my thighs and stroked the moist area there. He found my clitoris. ". . . napkins too, half orange half yellow . . ." He massaged in circles. ". . . Hmmm . . ."  I opened my legs wider. "Ummm . . . orange . . ." His circles continued, and my hips moved to their rhythm. ". . . lots of orange, mmm . . ." The tip of a finger slipped inside me. "Mmm. . . uh, want to hear about the ninety saris I bought?" I asked.

"Tell me."

"Umm. . ." I rolled on my back keeping my legs apart He placed one of his legs between mine. His finger re-entered me, this time plunging deep. "MMMmm" I took hold of his hair. "Um. . . well, ninety saris, five yards of material each for the living room and the bedroom. . ." His finger thrust in and out. "Umm. . . I had the carpenter drape them. . . from. . . the ceiling to . . . create a . . . tent effect mmmmm."

Weeks flew by, marked only by the colour of paint I was currently using. I snorted enormous amounts of coke and, in coke furore, worked day and night on my fantasy house. Everything I'd ever dreamed of, I created in my new home. I made trips to Bombay for special things. While there, I also stopped at the safety deposit box at the Mercantile Bank Coke consumption nibbled hungrily at my money.

Neal visited often, and we'd turn each other on to smack and coke. He was a welcome break from the non-stop work on the house. The super-excessive energy of the coke spurred me to greater and greater detail and fanciness. Not a piece of furniture was one colour only. The low cost of Goan labour allowed me to hire an army of painters for pennies an hour. I indulged my every coke-inspired whim.

Neal listened patiently as I described my latest flights of creativity. CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK went his razor blade on the glass block with the engraved lion. "This house is really coming along," he said during a visit, shaking his bangs and looking around.

"The upstairs is almost finished," I said. "I had linoleum laid on the floors. Red and white for the bedroom and blue and green for the boudoir."

"Boudoir? Uh-oh," he said, taking the glass block from my hand as I was about to snort a line. "Maybe you shouldn't do any more of this."

I laughed and grabbed it back. "Well, that's what I call it. Actually, I don't use the room for anything. It's just a place to walk through to get to the bedroom."

"And linoleum!" He smiled. "You're revolutionizing the beach. Where do you think you are? Beverly Hills?"

"But this is my home. I'm going to be here forever." I paused, gave him a pixie smile, and said, "Wait till you see my next project." Displaying papers covered with coked-out curlicued designs and intricate measurements, I explained, "I'm going to cut the kitchen in half and make a bathroom!" Neal slapped a hand to his forehead. "I've already designed it. See, look. Over here, I'm putting a flush toilet and a shower."

He shook his head. "A flush toilet? How can you do that?"

"They're building the septic tank now. And this little rectangle next to the toilet is a sink, a real enamel-type sink with faucets and a drain. I have it all figured out. . . Where's the other diagram? A tank on the roof will supply the water. It'll have to be lugged there from the well."

"You'll have the only flush toilet on the beach. Here." With a SQUEAK SQUEAK and a final CLICK, Neal passed me the block again. "Maybe this toot will inspire a sauna or a whirlpool bath. Who'll fill the tank?"

"The maid, though she doesn't know it yet, be glad to have a bathroom inside the house. You should've seen me the other night, coked-out and wired. I hadn't slept the night before—I'd been staining the wood of the staircase. Come to think of it, I don't think I slept the night before that either. Anyway, about 4 a.m. I took the pump-lamp outside to the toilet. Yippy, it was so bright in that tiny enclosure. Every bump on the wall formed shadows that swelled and contracted. Spooky! I couldn't wait to get out of there."

"Coke'll do that, especially if you don't get enough sleep," Neal said. "You know that much by Starko's? I'm positive it followed me home the other night."

I fell back in laughter and knocked the bhong over.

Neal's visits definitely brightened my day.

modelling composite from a talent agency

A soft  drink ad featuring Cleo

Cleo's Car

Cover

Taking sannyas with Bhagwan

Watching movies in the theatre

Cleo in Goa

Graham playing backgammon in the dining room

December consisted of constant partying. Music wailed nightly on the beach and continued till the next afternoon, when people went home to sleep. Since no one kept track of days, Christmas went by without felicitations, though Alehandro wished me "Happy New Year" at, or near, the correct date.

Petra lived in a house not far from mine, and she too dropped by every day to say hello. "Ou, it's so nice and COOL in here," she said, raising her arms as if standing under a waterfall. She leaned an elbow on the four-foot high platform the carpenter had made for me. "What IS this thing?" she asked.

"Do you like it? I designed it myself. Sometimes I like to be up high, so I sit up there. Other times I like to crawl into a little space, so I sit underneath."

Like Neal, Petra smiled tolerantly at my enthusiasm. She looked inside the satin surrounding the platform and commented, "Interesting."

Petra came often to keep me company while I worked.

One afternoon she and Neal visited at the same time. It was the day the Goans started the bathroom. We watched as three locals laid bricks across a doorway to convert it to a window (I didn't need a door going outside from the bathroom!). A few feet away, three others planned the wall that would divide the kitchen in two. While Neal told stories and made lines of coke, Petra flashed me disapproving looks. CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK.

When Neal left, she coaxed me away from the renovation site for a moment.

"My dEAr, what is GOing ON between you and NEAI?"

"We're friends."

She raised one eyebrow and lowered the other in the most disbelieving Look I'd ever seen. "Is thAt so?" She put one hand on her hip and tossed her head dismissively. "Neal is a suPERB man. I met him years ago in Kathmandu—beFORE he was into smack. BeFORE he got everybody ELSE into smack too." She lowered her eyebrow again. "And before he had EVE and the BAby. Just be CAREful, my dear. Are you getting enough SLEEP with all this COKE?"

No, I wasn't getting enough sleep. I'd be up for days, coked-out, spaced-out, designing weird things. I hadn't been eating much either. Who needed sleep and food? All I needed was coke and a pencil.

A few days later, as I tried to figure out what colour to paint the front room, a voice called through the open window. "Are you Miss Cleo?" I turned to see a pretty face surrounded by black curls. "I heard you might be interested in buying coke," he stated.

"Actually, I don't have money on me at the moment," I answered. "I'm going to Bombay tomorrow to pick some up. Maybe next time."

Again I'd run out of money. I'd bought a colossal amount of coke since I'd been in Goa. That, plus smack, plus the construction, had really swallowed my finances. Living in Goa could be stupendously inexpensive. Food and rent cost little and I paid the Goan maid twenty-two dollars a month for coming in seven days a week and doing everything.

Drugs were the main rupee eaters. I loved playing benefactor. It was exhilarating to slip a spoonful under everyone's nose. I loved having people flock around me, nostrils twitching, waiting expectantly.

Later that day Petra came by to ask, "Did you receive my PREsent?"

"Present? No. What was it?"

"Aw, I TOLD him to come here. This DARling boy knocked on my door selling coke. He was STUNning. I thought you'd LOVE him so I told him to come HERE, that you were SURE to want some."

"Oh, yes! He was here. But I didn't have money on me."

"He looked your TYPE, THAT'S why I sent him Over." Then she added. "To keep you out of TROUble."

Keep me out of trouble? To keep me away from Neal, she meant. Unfortunately, I had a feeling it was already too late for that.

Bombay was crowded with late-season arrivals. I stayed in town only long enough to stop at my safety deposit box, change money on the black-market, visit my favorite opium den in Chor Bazaar, leave a few rolls of movie film to be developed, buy a dozen fancy doorknobs at Crawford Market, and gorge on Dipti's jackfruit and ice cream.

When I returned to Anjuna Beach, I searched for the pretty boy who'd been sent as a present by Petra. He was easy to spot at parties. He always wore white on the bottom and red on top, and he cruised the crowd slowly, making himself visible to potential customers. His name was Serge, and he was French-Egyptian. He'd grown up in Egypt but went to college in England, which accounted for his impeccable British English. He and his English wife had been living for years on Colva Beach, two hours from Anjuna, with their son. During the last monsoon, his wife had made a scam, bringing three kilos of coke from Bolivia to India. It had been her trip—her money, her connections. Serge had had nothing to do with it. Now, in Goa, if he wanted to share the profits, it was his job to sell the powder while his wife stayed in their isolated Colva home.

I became a regular customer of Serge's at parties. Tish and I began each night by splitting a gram, and we'd buy second and third grams as the night progressed. Besides business transactions, though, and my filming his prowl through the crowd once, I never had much contact with him. Then one evening I saw him at Gregory's restaurant, stated at a nearby table.

"Hi, Serge," yelled Mental, an American with wavy, dark hair hanging to his waist. "Tee hee, how's it going?"

"He's gorgeous," I whispered to Mental. By then I was so enthralled with Serge I could barely aim the forkful of buffalo meat at my mouth. "I've been trying to get to know him for weeks now."

Thinking more of scamming free coke than of doing me a favour, Mental asked me, "Why don't we all go to your place after dinner, tee hee?" He addressed our table, "Wanna come to Cleo's? Hey," he shouted to the other tables, "Cleo's house, tonight." Then he went personally to invite Serge. Serge accepted.

We left Gregory's restaurant in a group.

"Thanks, Mental," I said to him as we crossed the paddy field.

It turned out to be a small party that went on most of the night. Serge supplied coke for everybody. I sat next to him and monopolized his attention. Just before dawn he went to the kitchen to make coffee. I never used the stove, especially with Goans around to do those stores. Serge was a gourmet cook, chummy with kitchens, and the Goans were asleep.

"This kitchen is amazing for Goa," he said. "I've never seen chimneys here before."

"I had them made. I designed everything. This whole back area was one room until I had the wall put in." Serge's eyes twinkled as he watched me skip excitedly, exhibiting my creations. I pointed out the snake-head doorknob on a closet, then said, "Come look at this," as I took him to the hallway between the kitchen and the bathroom. I stopped by a painting hanging there and explained, "This is my fantasy house. I'm fulfilling my childhood wishes. The canopy over my bed, the stairs, the hammock, and this." I lifted the painting off its hook to reveal what lay beneath. "I've always dreamed of having a safe behind a painting—like so. Just like in the movies, huh?"

Serge's smile widened as I demonstrated the excellence of my security system by yanking on the safe's metal handle. "How did you get the Goans to do that?" he asked.

"It wasn't easy—they'd never heard of such a thing. See how burglar proof it is?"

"Miss Cleo," he said, taking my arm and pulling me close. "Would you be still a moment." I stopped yanking and looked up at him. Black kohl, the Indian cosmetic, outlined his eyes, exaggerating their size. "At least slow down enough so I can kiss you," he added, laughing.

We swayed across the inch separating us. I loved the feel of his satin vest.

"Hmmm. Very nice, Miss Cleo," he said when we broke apart. "I think by now our coffee water must have boiled into evaporation."

By the time we returned to the living room, many people had left. Mental was still there. He was injecting powder into his arm. Though in the past the Goa Freaks had disparaged needle use, lately it was becoming more tolerated, especially for coke.

"Where'd you get the coke?" Serge asked Mental in an annoyed tone.

"I had some of my own, tee hee."

"And yet you let me be the one to turn everyone on?"

"You have so much," Mental answered, absorbed in watching blood flow into the syringe.

"Let's go up," I said, taking Serge's arm and leading him to the stairs. "That's typically Mental."

"I don't like when people take advantage of my generosity. It isn't my coke either."

We passed through the "boudoir" to the bedroom. In one motion I removed my dress and turned to watch Serge disrobe. He threw his pink scarf over a Balinese statue and smiled down at me lying on the bed.

"I bought this canopy in Laos," I said, painting to the fringed thing hanging overhead. "It's supposed to be for wedding ceremonies. What's that string?" I asked noticing one around his waist.

"This was given to me long ago. I never take it off."

"Never?"

He laughed. "Once in jail in Kabul they made me, but that doesn't count." He leaned over and we kissed.

"Ow. What's that?" I objected to something digging into my chest.

He lifted to reveal the silver phallus he wore around his neck. "A shiva Unigram."

"I suppose you never take that off either?"

"No, if it bothers you, remove it."

"Let's just slide it to the back."

I pulled the charm across its chain and held it behind his head as we kissed deeply. After a while, as things heated up, I forgot and let go. I wasn't concerned when the silver Unigram started banging against my forehead, matching Serge's sexual movements stroke for stroke. But later, postorgasm, with Serge collapsed on top of me, I noticed an ache not only on my forehead but again at my breast bone, against which the damn thing was now crushed.

Serge laughed when I complained, saying "Pardon me."

A few hours into daylight Serge had to leave. "Business. I have to make up for the coke we consumed last night."

So walked Petra's present to the door. A handful of people still lounged downstairs, one asleep on the top of the platform. "Well, ciao. Have a nice day."

"You too. Bye, Miss Cleo."

As I closed the door, Doctor Bo approached me. Doctor Bo, an American, was a real doctor—though a doctor of what, nobody knew. "I think I should tell you Mental's been freaking out and making a mess," he said.

"Oh, no! Where is he?"

"In the dining room."

I rushed to the back of the house. "Oh, god!"

I didn't find Mental, but I found his trail of destruction. The lid of a plastic water-tank had been removed, and water was everywhere.

"He freaked out with the water," said Doctor Bo.

Pieces of things lay strewn about. "My Kashmiri boxes! My cassette tapes! Look what he did to the broom! He shredded it!"

"This is his wallet," said Doctor Bo, holding up a soggy rag. "Here's his passport. Look at these pictures—they're tom to bits."

"Uh-oh, I better find him."

I followed the signs of Destructo and panicked as I saw them lead up the stairs. "My movies!" I dashed up, burst into the room, and found Mental with his hands closing on a canister of film. "MENTAL, NO!" Gently I pried his fingers from my treasure. "Come on, Mental, time to go home. I'm going to sleep now. Everyone's leaving."

"I'm okay," he said. "Don't worry. I do another hit of smack and then go. I'm okay, tee hee, I'm okay."

It took a few minutes to get him downstairs because he kept stopping to look around and pat his pockets. Then he crouched on the floor and played with a scab on his ankle.

"Come on, Mental."

"Where's my smack?"

"I don't know, where did you leave it?"

"Here's a package of something," said Doctor Bo. "But whatever it was is wet."

"Wet? Wait, tee hee, wait."

"Get out of the water, Mental. Mental, stop splashing."

"Tee hee, wait, I'm looking."

"What are you looking for? Put down the broom. Mental! What are you doing?"

"I'm okay. I'm okay. Tee hee, I'm leaving."

"Don't tear up your passport. Give me that. No, don't put it in the water!"

It took another half hour to get Mental out of the house. I kept his passport, holding it for when he was less destructive. Apparently, when Mental consumed large amounts of coke, he ran amuck like that—rushed about out of control—a Coke Amuck. Many hotels in Bombay no longer let him in because he'd destroyed their bathrooms. He frequently obsessed on water. He'd tear plumbing from the walls. Once, the manager of the Nataraj Hotel used a pass key to get into Mental's room after the people underneath complained of flooding. The manager entered to find the sink and toilet smashed and a cowering Mental slamming around the bathtub yelling, "Roaches! Roaches! They're everywhere!"

It was more funny, though, when Mental had his Coke in someone ELSE's house.

People realized that when Neal and Eve came to visit, something would be missing when they left. Eve was a kleptomaniac.

Late one morning at a beach party, after Neal had Bone home, a commotion erupted behind the stage. Investigating the ruckus, I saw someone drag Eve along the ground while a crowd cheered him on. Her skirt bunched around her waist, revealing a bare bottom scratching across the dirt.

"She deserves it," I overheard someone say.

Because of my closeness with Neal, I felt responsible for Eve. I picked up the bag she'd dropped and ran after her as she screamed. I reached her as she broke free and turned on her assailant with curses and sharp nails.

"Come on, Eve, let's go," I said, trying to lead her away, but she was freaked out and screaming. "Come on, Eve. Let's go do some smack." I thought the smack might calm her down.

I pulled her away backwards as she yelled, "Fucking bastards." She kicked at a spectator and shrieked, "AAAhh."

"Come to my house," I said.

"No," she whispered.

Though she wouldn't leave the party, she let me usher her through the dancers to sit at someone's candle and sniff some dope. I really needed a snoot. Both of us had swallowed a dose of acid, and everything was spacey. Apprehension and eagerness engulfed me. Eve was restless. She didn't want to come to my house. She didn't want to remain seated. She didn't want to stay with me, either. She stood up and moved off. She appeared headed for more trouble.

I decided I had to get Neal. Shit! He lived on the other side of the beach, across the paddy field, near the road. It wasn't impossibly far, but with me tripping-and spacey tripping at that—it was seriously far.

I ran all the way and thought I'd the of exertion in the paddy.

"NEAL! WE HAVE TO SAVE EVE. SHE’S GETTING INTO FIGHTS. WAKE UP."

He opened one eye as I came tearing into the house. "Shhh. You'll wake the baby." He didn't move.

I lowered my voice. "Neal, Eve's freaking out the beach."

Slowly, he raised his naked form and sat cross-legged on the mattress. He peered at the baby lying nearby. "Party still going?" He smiled at me and shook the bangs out of his eyes. "Sit down a minute?"

I sat. "Of dope, yes. I'm too wired for more coke."

"Well, I need a little to wake me up." He reached for his glass Hock, and I watched him chop and meticulously construct two perfect lines. CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK.

"What patience you have," I commented. "I don't make lines anymore. I snort lumps. I just pile it out and snort it up." He giggled. I changed my mind. "Yeah, okay, I will have that line after all," I said. "I can never resist." CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK. "Oh, but come on, hurry. We've got to save Eve."

We left the baby in the Charge of an Indian teenager from Bombay who'd hung around with the Freaks at Dipti's, and whom Neal had brought to Goa for no reason in particular.

It was late morning and the sun was high when we arrived at the party. We found Eve sitting by herself, Flashing hateful glances around her.

"The chick stole my lighter, man," said Olivier to Neal in a French accent. "Is not right. There is something wrong with that chick."

"Well straighten this out," Neal answered before kneeling beside Eve. "Are you okay? Had a bad night?" He moved a strand of hair off her face. "Let's get out of here." She rose and followed him easily. So did Olivier.

"What about my lighter, man? It is from Kenya. Has a gazelle on it."

"I want to get her off the beach," Neal told him. "We'll go to the Monkey chai shop."

The four of us climbed the rocks and gathered around the wooden tables of the  chai shop. Nobody sat. I was too wired; Eve was on planet Mars; Neal was refereeing; and the Frenchman was angry.

"Five him back the lighter, Eve."

"I don't have it."

"Eve, just give it to him and we can go home."

"He's lying. I didn't take it."

In the acid-party aftermath, everything looked weird. Textures went wrong. The wood of the table I leaned against felt like fabric. It folded over my fingers. Eve's face took on strange colours, her features blending together. I watched her nose squash under her cheekbones. Neal lifted Eve's purse off her shoulder and dumped the contents on the table.

"There it is! That is it. See the gazelle?"

Neal handed the lighter to Olivier and put everything else back in the bag. "Let's go now."

As we hurried out of the  chai shop, the Frenchman called after us, "Do something about that chick, man. She's not right."

We went to my house, which was closest. We had a few hits of smack, and then Neal washed Eve's face and positioned her under the platform, where she fell instantly asleep.

Neal and I sat side by side, and he talked away the sharp edges of my trip. CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK. "I grew up in Washington—the state," he told me. "Bet you never knew anyone from there, did you? Went to the University of Washington and received a Master's Degree in English Literature. Then I got married and moved to France. My wife and I taught at the American University in Paris."

"A professor!"

He giggled. "Yeah, a professor."

"Are you still married?"

He giggled some more. "I guess so. We never divorced." More giggles. "Then last year I married a Thai whore in Bangkok."

"Oh, no! Two wives!" I laughed.

"The Thai's tough. Boy, you wouldn't want to fight with her. Carries a long knife."

"Why'd you marry her?"

"I don't know. She wanted to. Why not?"

"Two wives and Eve."

We fell over laughing and had more lines of coke. CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK.

The rest of the afternoon we lay on our stomachs, side by side, shoulders touching, Neal's smiling face dose to mine. In the evening. Eve woke up and he took her home.

And so another two days passed without sleep or food. Near where Eve had been lying, I noticed a metal bird was missing. And yes, I had to admit, I was attracted to Neal. Very attracted. Uh-oh.

Petra's present, pretty Serge, rarely came to see me on his own. Sexy, coke-carrying Serge was very sought after. When we got together it was usually because I spent half a day tracking him down, searching for him on his dealing route by Joe Banana's. If I couldn't find him there, I'd try other places he frequented, all of them full of females awaiting his attention. One was a house behind the paddy where Serge went for a massage from a host of damsels eager to indulge him.

"Cleo's here," a bare-breasted woman in a sarong informed him. Serge lay naked on a satin covered mattress. From astride his back, a naked woman in a green turban rubbed coconut oil on his skin.

He raised his head from the cushion and, with an unlit beedie hanging from his mouth, said, "Be right with you. I'm almost done. I love a massage, don't you?"

When he was ready, he extended his hand. "Come for a ride, Miss Cleo?"

I climbed behind him on his bike, and we drove off over the sand, weaving through trees and sparsely scattered houses and onto the paved road. I still hated riding motorbikes, but in this case it meant putting my arms around this gorgeous guy. His velvet, Afghani vest was open, so my hands closed over naked midriff. Actually, I didn't mind riding behind him at all.

"Do you know Bernard and Sima?" he asked, turning his head so I could hear over the rushing air. His scarf flapped in my face. I pushed closer against him. No, I didn't mind this particular bike ride one bit.

He drove me to Bernard and Sima's house off the Mapusa road. A stone wall ornamented with ball shapes surrounded the property. As we drove in, Serge was waved at by a group of people sitting under a tree. He led me up the front steps, past a Goan lady washing the marble floor on her knees. A European woman in an outfit that covered only one breast swung in a hammock. Seeing Serge, she smiled and followed us into the house.

"Salut," said Bernard. Serge introduced me to the group, most of whom were French. Sima, Bernard's girlfriend, was Iranian—an Iranian princess, it was said, who scandalized her family's title with her lifestyle. I liked her immediately. She was friendly and warm and clever.

Since wanting to buy coke was the excuse I used in my search for Serge, he now borrowed Bernard's scale to weigh me a gram, and then, business over, we sat with his friends. It wasn't five minutes after we were sitting dose, leg to leg, that the woman with the bare breast wrapped her arms around Serge's neck and swooped him out of the room. Sima noticed my sad face as I watched the octopus drag, him away and smiled sympathetically. "Want to chase the dragon?" she asked.

"What’s that?"

"I'll show you." She picked up a sheet of aluminium foil. "This is how we do it in my country. This is Iranian smack."

Hearing the word  smack, my ears perked up. The powder she held was brown instead of the white I was used to. I kept watch on the doorway through which Serge had disappeared. I wondered if it led to the kitchen, or a bedroom. What was the nymph doing with my Serge? Sima placed a rock of smack on the aluminium foil and, while Bernard held a lighter underneath, she inhaled the smoke with a rolled up rupee note. As the rock melted, the liquid flowed and had to be "chased" with the bill. The burning-smack smell aroused my interest in this new method.

"Want to try?" Bernard asked me.

"Sure."

I kneeled by the foil. It took a moment to get the right-sized rock into the right spot, and I waited anxiously with the rolled bill poised in the air.

"No!" said Serge, suddenly behind me. "I didn't bring her here to get stoned on smack." At one time Serge had been into smack, but he'd quit years before and was now against it. "I'm trying to get her to stop using, and you teach her a new way to do it!" I noticed the nymph was no longer with him. Mmm, what a pretty face he had—even when it frowned.

Later, while driving me home, he asked, "Shall I come by tonight?"

"Yes!" Though I wasn't crazy about sharing him with the rest of the female population of Anjuna Beach (not to mention his wife in Colva), he was definitely worth it.

Meanwhile, I saw Neal every day. He needed companionship during his growing problems with Eve.

"She steals from everyone," he told me as we walked the path at the northern end of Anjuna Beach. "Remember the first time I brought her to your house? I found out she'd taken one of your skirts—had put it on under her dress—and a brass figure too. I made her bring them back, but when she returned those she took a Kashmiri box. I don't know what to do. People cringe when they see us at their door. Pretty soon no onewill talk to me. They'll be afraid I may visit." It was late afternoon, and the blazing sun had sunk behind the palms bordering the beach. "She's strange too," he continued, but I couldn't concentrate on Neal's words. I had something on my mind. "I want to thank you for your support in this," he said. "Sometimes I need someone to talk to. I love the baby, probably the only one ever have. I'll be forty soon."

"Forty! Yipes. I thought you were my age."

"See why I can't let the baby go? Even if it means staying with Eve."

"Neal?"

"Hm?"

"Neal, I have to tell you something." I looked away and watched a crow loop in the distance. "Neal, I think I've fallen in love with you." We stopped and stood by a wall; a pig could be heard grunting oft the other side. "I'm sorry, I don't want to make things harder for you."

He giggled and pulled at his beard. "Well you have."

We sat on a rock by the path, not saying anything. I felt like I'd ruined everything between us, but at the same time I was relieved to have told him. He couldn't have been more surprised by the situation than I was. I'd never told anyone I loved him like that, out of the blue. Actually. I hadn't fallen in love like that before. For me, love never developed over time. It was immediately there at the beginning, then usually wore away with time. Neal wasn't my usual type, either. Good grief, forty years old! I never went with older guys. Serge, I knew, was my same age. And Neal had a beard. I hated that scratchy stuff. Maybe this was a new kind of love. Maybe this was really love and not lust. Uh-oh, what had I gotten myself into?

"Well, I guess we'll just have to see what happens," he said.

When we entered his house we found Mushroom Jeffrey, an Englishman, sitting with Eve. "Here he is!" Mushroom Jeffrey exclaimed when he saw us. "Neal, I brought psychedelic mushrooms for you to try. They're supposed to be right-o super. Just received them in the mail." I unfolded a packet of foil to reveal a pile of brown flakes. We each inserted a Finger and scooped some out.

"Tastes terrible."

We then snorted coke and waited for the trip to come on. CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK. Nothing happened.

"I think those are supermarket mushrooms, Jeffrey'," Neal finally decided. "A & P brand."

The first time Neal and I made love was one morning after a party. It was hot upstairs in my bedroom, but with the bed in front of the window, we were cooled by the sea-smelling breeze blowing from the ocean. A ray of sunlight lit a corner of the red, satin sheet where we cuddled as Neal recounted the months he spent as a political prisoner in Greece.

"I was a heavy politico back then," he told me.

"Yeah?" I said, not really sure what that meant. "Are you still into politics?"

"Yes," he said with determination; then he added, "Well, no, not lately." He paused. "I'd like to be involved. I just don't get around to it."

I hugged him, and we set aside affairs of state.

What heaven to have his body in my arms. Oh, yes, I was definitely in love.

We were in love. We fell into a routine. We were together every day, dawdling the afternoon in my house, going to Gregory's restaurant for dinner, Joe Banana's for mail, maybe Norwegian Monica's for a visit. He'd spend the night at my place.

And once a day Neal and I would go check on Eve and the baby.

It was usually late at night when we'd begin the trek across the paddy fields. Over the sun-parched earth we'd go. Neal carried a flashlight and followed the foot-worn path. I climbed the mounds between the fields and tried to keep my balance as I walked in the dark. I'd grown to enjoy the dark and rarely carried a light anymore. Half-way across, we'd stop for a coke break and prepare for the visit. He'd sit on the ground and take out his glass block and razor blade and, with the flashlight between his knees, he'd begin the line-making process. CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK. I'd perch beside him on a mound, and we'd tell each other our secrets.

"I wanted to be a writer," he told me. "That's all I ever wanted to do. That's why I left Washington, to write."

"Did you?"

"Not really, except for political commentaries in my activist days. But I never started the novel."

"Couldn't get it together, huh?" I asked.

He gazed at the sky, shook the bangs off his forehead, and giggled. "I guess not. There was always something. Maybe one day I will stop taking smack. Soon, I'm stopping soon. I'm quitting for good. Maybe next week."

Neal always claimed to be on the verge of quitting. Nobody paid attention anymore to his declarations of impending abstinence.

"What would you write about?"

"I don’t know." CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK. "Maybe this."

"What?"

"Goa."

I laughed. "No one would believe it."

When he passed me the block, I knew we'd soon be moving on to Eve's. I wanted to stall. It was so nice there in the open field, just the two of us, so many stars in the sky, the sound of party music in the distance. I touched his thigh through purple satin pants and pulled his shaggy hair.

"Shall we go?" he asked.

"Ohhh, no." I laid my head on his shoulder.

I didn't want to leave our sacred spot in the paddy field. We always stopped at the same place, though it was hard to tell one dry, cracked field from another. Flat earth stretched to the swaying panes on the horizon. I descended the dark hump of the hill to Baga. I didn't want to leave our flashlight refuge to go to Neal's house. For me, Neal's house was hell.

Eve had found herself a friend, an American guy into needles. Neal never stuck a needle in his arm—that was for junkies. What differentiated a "junky" from a person who used junk was a question of money and sometimes style. Those with little money had to inject their drugs, since less was required that way. This wasn't true of coke, though, for fixing coke would soon lead to shooting great quantities compulsively, and therefore required either a lot of money or a talent for sophisticated hustling. Eve and her friend fixed smack and coke, both supplied by Neal. Often we'd arrive to find both of them nodded-out on the porch, one asleep on the concrete bench, the other on a mat on the floor, the baby playing by herself nearby.

Our visits to Neal's house quickly became a dilemma for me. They went on and on and on. Two hours, three hours, six hours, seven hours. On and on. Eve would stare strangely into corners and talk in that soft, quiet voice of hers.

"Hi, how are you?" she'd whisper as we arrived. Eve had a collection of objects—ceramic heads, blown-glass animals, jade Buddhas—that she paraded for us. She'd caress them and move them around. Everyone knew they were stolen, of course. Everyone could even identify who in each piece had been stolen from. One of my Kashmiri leopards, which had disappeared the month before, sat on display right there on a shelf.

The hours would drag by in the dirty room. No matter where I'd sit, I'd have to place my limbs around the ants that formed a perpetual trail on the centre table and across each mattress. I wouldn't mind the first hour, or even the second. Neal loved the baby, Mahara. He'd stare at her as if marvelling that he'd created such a thing. He'd play with her hands and feet and make noises against her head. It was cute to watch, even though, as Petra would say, I love children.

It wasn't so much the visits I loathed; but the way Neal handled them. I would tell me we'd leave as soon as the baby fell asleep, but hours after the baby had closed its eyes, we'd still be there. Despite klepto Eve, Neal was the most-loved character on the beach. He'd helped everybody at one time or another with drugs and money. People dropped in by the dozens. CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK. Neal was a great storyteller too. He'd been on the scene for so long, he knew old-time stories about all the major Anjuna figures.

"You should have seen Alehandro in Kandahar back then."

What drove me crazy was that Neal seemed to enjoy my growing anger as two or three hours passed after he told me we were leaving "right now."

"Neal, let's go."

"Okay, one minute. When Graham appeared in Kandahar . . ."

"Neal. . ."

"I'm ready, we're going."

Then Neal would take Eve somewhere for a talk—into the other room, to the porch, the garden, anywhere. It seemed he waited until I was fuming with impatience before he remembered some urgent thing he had totell Eve. Time would pass. I'd have to go find them.

"Neal!"

"I'm coming."

It would be another hour till he returned to the living room. CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK. More stories. Then another hour would pass before he was ready to go again. Then Neal would have a long discussion with Eve over how much dope and coke to leave her.

After a few weeks I was convinced he used Eve and his visitors as a tool to manipulate my feelings. I tried letting Neal go to the house by himself. But then, despite his promise to be back in an hour, end up trekking across the paddy fields half a day later to get him. The crowd would smile as I stormed in. CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK. I'd stand in the doorway with my arms crossed.

"Hi, cutie," Neal would say. "I'm just leaving. Sit down a minute."

So I'd sit, and more people would arrive, and the stories would go on, and I'd he trapped there for hours again.

When I did finally get him home, we'd fight—mostly with me shrieking and Neal serenely chopping coke. The madder I became, the calmer he grew. CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK. When I was absolutely furious with rage, he'd appear the epitome of peace and satisfaction. A well-fed cat dozing on a cashmere sweater could not have seemed more content.

"I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! YOU SAY YOU’LL BE BACK IN A FEW HOURS AND A DAY GOES BY. DON’T TELL ME YOU’LL BE RIGHT BACK IF YOU DON’T INTEND TO RETURN FOR A WEEK! THAT’S ALL I DO THESE DAYS IS WATT FOR YOU TO RETURN. I’M SICK OF IT. I WON’T DO IT ANYMORE." Too much coke. Not enough sleep. No food. "IT’S OVER. GET OUT. GO. GOODBYE."

"Come here and do this nice big line."

"I’M SERIOUS, I WANT YOU TO LEAVE. GO BACK. TO EVE AND THE BABY."

"Look at the line I made for you."

"WILL YOU LEAVE!"

He'd get up and bring me the glass block. "Here you go, special delivery."

I could never refuse a line of coke, and for a while I'd he placated but then my anger returned. "I’M NOT  GOING  TO SPEND ALL DAY WAITING  FOR  YOU AGAIN. I’M NOT GO. LEAVE. GOODBYE."

"Here, cutie, have another line."

At maximum anger, I would storm to the door and throw it open. "GET OUT!" He never budged. He enjoyed the Show.

Too much coke. Not enough sleep. No food.

We would make up eventually, perhaps after spending the night back to back in angry silence (I was the angry one). Or sometimes, when I did manage to lock him out, I'd decide not to see him again and wouldn't answer the door when he came back. Those times apart lasted days and even weeks.

During our off periods, I'd spend time with Serge. I liked Serge a lot too. Besides being so pretty, he was sweet and caring. He worried about my health.

"Look at you, you're so skinny!" Serge would say. "I'm taking you someplace special to eat. Let's go to the hotel in Baga. They have more variety than Gregory's restaurant."

"Oh, yum. Squid!"

"You want squid? Then that's what you'll have. Anything, Miss Cleo, as long as you eat."

He was right; I was skinny. Very skinny. Dinner often passed with me too coked-out to eat. Some days I forgot to eat at all. Not when I was with Serge, though. Despite all the coke we did, he always insisted on taking me somewhere for food, and he'd do his best to get me to swallow it.

"I can't eat anymore. I'm not hungry," I'd say.

"Just finish your pork chop."

"I CAN’T!"

"Sure you can, here, open your mouth."

"NO."

"Come on. For me. This one mouthful for me. Won't you do this one thing for me? Come on, open up. Good girl. I knew you could do it. Now one more."

"You said just one!"

"One more. This is the last one, come on."

"I don't like string beans."

"No string Deans? Okay, I got rid of the string beans. Now open your mouth."

He also tried at every opportunity to get me off dope. "You have to stop taking smack, Miss Cleo. It's not good for you. Look how skinny you are."

"That's because of the coke, not the smack."

"Then you must stop that too."

"What? Look how much you do."

"Yes, but I can handle it. I eat."

He never stopped lecturing me about smack, and periodically he wore me down and I'd half-heartedly agree to stop. Once, when I was trying to block the uncomfortable feelings of withdrawal, I took half a dozen Mandrax—the English equivalent of the sleeping pill Quaalude, sold over the counter in any Indian pharmacy—and a few packets of Valium. Serge left on his rounds and, stumbling along incoherently, I was found by the maid, who thought that something was terribly wrong with me. Afraid I was sick and dying, she and her father, Apolon, who owned the chai shop next door, loaded me into a taxi and sent me to the private Catholic hospital in Mapusa. The doctors didn't know what to do with me, so they put me in a bed and, because I was so thin, they gave me glucose intravenous drip.

Within a few hours worried Serge arrived. "What happened?"

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"From what Apolon told me, I thought you'd be dead."

"No, I'm just miserable without the dope."

"Now, now. You're doing great, Miss Cleo. You don't want any smack. You'll see, in a few clays you’ll be fine."

"I'm so blah. This is depressing."

"Actually, this hospital is a brilliant idea. You can stay here until you get straight. Three meals a day—fatten you up. Yes, this place is ideal for you. Keep you away from temptation."

"I want to go home. I don't like it here. A bunch of people prayed for me."

"No, really?" He laughed.

"Five of them stood around the bed with prayer books and chanted at me."

Serge tilted his head back as he laughed aloud. "Seriously," he said, "I think you should stay a few days."

"How long?"

"Until the smack leaves your system, maybe a week."

"A WEEK! I'll go crazy here a week."

"No, you won't. I be with you every day."

"You won't. You'll be with your business. Or your other women."

He smiled. "I promise to be here as much as I can. I'll go now and put things in order and then come back. The business can hold without me a day or two. And you know I don't think of other women when I'm with you, Miss Cleo. Will you stay?"

"Well. . .  I don't know. I'll try, but if I can't stand it, I'm going to leave."

"It won't be so bad, you'll see."

Shortly after he left, Neal came. "What are you doing in the hospital?"

"OOOOOh, I took a bunch of mandies and Apolon thought I was dying."

He lay next to me. "Move over a bit. So, why are you still here?"

"Serge thinks I should stay and get off the smack."

"Good old Serge. Then I guess you don't want this line I'm making you." CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK.

"No, no. I mustn't. Hey, you know what they gave me a while ago—a glucose drip. It was nifty, had stuff to make me healthy. You could use one; you're as skinny as I am."

"It does sound good. I always forget to cat. Do you think they'll give me one?"

"Sure, why not? I ring for the nurse."

"Wait a minute, how long will it take? I was planning to drop acid and he in the sun."

"Only an hour," I'll go get her."

I ran down the hall and brought back a sister-type nurse. She couldn't speak English, and we had to tell her what we wanted by pantomime. She shook her head as if she understood and then left the room. Neal and I lay side by side on the bed and waited.

And waited.

"I don't think she understood," said Neal after a while.

"Has she been gone that long?"

"Too long just to get a drip."

"Wait a little longer. She’ll come."

"It will be too late. I come back tomorrow and do it then."

"Just a few more minutes."

"I'm going to take the acid now so it'll come on by the time I get to the beach."

"Aw, don't go."

Not three minutes after he took the acid, the nurse arrived with the intravenous apparatus.

"Oh, no! I can't do that now. I don't want to be hooked up to that thing when the acid hits!"

I smothered my head in the pillow laughing. "I told you she'd be back. Go on, do it. It doesn't take much time."

"How long did you say? An hour?" The nurse motioned for him to he on the other bed. "Should I do it?"

"Now or never."

Amid my giggles, Neal climbed on the other bed and let her stick the needle, with its trailing tube, into his arm.

Of course it took longer than an hour. The yellow liquid in the container hanging above him was barely a third gone when the acid hit full force.

"Wow, look at those wavy lines in the ceiling. Hey, I can't stay like  this forever," Neal exclaimed, checking his vein, which was swollen with needle and glucose juice. "It's been longer than an hour. Hasn't it been longer than an hour? This is not the best place to spend a trip, you know?" He looked at me hiding my laughter with a starched-too-stiff sheet. "Where’s the nurse?" he asked. "I'm going to tell her to get me out of this contraption. How do I ring for her?"

"Your glucose isn't finished," I managed to say between guffaws. "You can't stop in the middle."

"Will you ring for her? Listen, I've got to get out of here. Ring for her, okay? Stop laughing. It's not funny. I want out of here."

Eventually I did ring for the nurse, but by the time she arrived she found the needle out of Neal's arm and swinging an inch above the floor.

"Thank you," he said to her. "That was delicious." He kissed me goodbye. "I'll see you later."

"Neal, wait. Give me some smack, I'm coming with you."

He giggled. "You want to leave? Serge will be angry with me."

*

And so I went back and forth between them. When I got fed up with chasing Neal across the paddy field, I'd look for Serge, who’d immediately feed me. He filled my stoves with kerosene and my shelves with spices, and he cooked me delicious dishes, including one called Beef with a cream sauce dyed blue. His cheese omelette was my favourite, it was his last resort when trying to seduce me into putting something in my stomach. The trouble with Serge was that he nagged me over the smack and, too frequently, convinced me to cut down.

Serge now stayed with me nearly all the time, though once a week he drove to Colva to see his wife and son. Since he'd told me about the arrangement at the beginning of our relationship, I accepted the situation. As time went by, though, it disturbed me that I wasn’t the only one in his life. And so, when I felt neglected by Serge or fed up with his doctoring, I'd go back to Neal.

My monetary situation looked bleak as February and then March came along. The money I spent fixing the house was nothing compared to what I spent on dope and coke. Every trip to Bombay drastically reduced my cash stash. I didn't want to use it all. I needed to save enough to fund a scam for the monsoon.

Finally, on yet another trip to Bombay, I decided I could NOT take any more money out of the bank. That was it. Somehow that last withdrawal had to last till the end of the season.

It didn't, of course.

"I can't take one more rupee out of my safety deposit box," I told Serge one night. "I have to think of a way to pay for another month or so down here."

"Like what?"

"I don't know, maybe I could sell something."

"I don't think you'd be good at dealing drugs; you'd consume more than you'd sell."

"Hah! Some faith. What can I do then?"

He shrugged. "You could design clothes like Gavroche does."

"I don't sew. And I don't want to learn, either."

"You can't cook and open a restaurant like Brigitte. Can you do anything?"

"Like cook and sew? No. Come on, there must be something else."

"How about selling hash at the flea market, since you don't like smoking it."

"No, what else?"

"Can you play poker? You could try to win money."

"Hmmm. Know what? Dayid once asked if they could have their poker games here. Said he'd give me a part of each pot."

"You want to host a poker game?"

I jumped up excited. "Not an ordinary game, how about a CASINO! I could have different things going on at the same time. This place is big enough." I paced the room as grand visions filled my brain. Cocaine was great for inspiration. "Poker games last for days, right? Well, I'll supply everything. Food. Cigarettes. Services. There's room if anybody wants to sleep. They can take showers. What else?"

"I'll be here to sell coke."

"Yes, yes, perfect! Our own resident coke dealer, I love it! It'll be the best poker game ever." I ran to find pen and paper to write a List of what I needed. "What else? I want the casino to be so spectacular they'll never have their games anywhere else. Opium! I can turn a room into an "0" den. They'll feel frazzled from playing for days in a row, and after they take your coke, they'll need a way to relax. I'll go to Bombay and bring down an opium baba and the smoking stuff. Maybe I can pick up a roulette wheel. Green felt for a crap table."

"I'll make the food."

"Ohh! This will be great. With your scrumptious meals, my casino will go down in the history of Anjuna Beach." I skipped around the room, tapping the pen against my hip.

"Hold your horses, Miss Cleo. I don't want to be in the kitchen all day."

"Well. . . okay, we'll have one far-out time the first night, before the playing starts. How's that? In the morning I can order eggs from Apolon."

I began preparations immediately. Putting aside for the moment the idea of a roulette wheel and a crap table, the biggest problem was getting the Opium from Bombay, plus the baba to make pipes. I decided to put the baba in the front room. I set up mattresses there, forming a square so several people could he around the "den." I'd have to lock the front door and use the side entrance; wouldn't want people walking back and forth, making the baba nervous. Hearing that Bernard and Sima were going to Bombay for a few days, I asked them to buy me a pipe and the smoking utensils. Later, I'd figure a way to bring the baba down.

With everything in motion, I paid a visit to Dayid and Ashley and told them the plan.

"Sounds quintessential!" said Dayid. "Do you know, there's a town in Southern Italy named Cassino. Spelled with two esses. It experienced heavy fighting during World War II."

We set a date for the game the following week.

Serge planned the menu. Anjuna would never see something like this again—three courses of the best cuisine France had to offer, limited only by the availability of fancier items.

"I can't cook on this puny kerosene burner," Serge said. "You call this an oven? How am I supposed to know how hot it is?" The oven was one I'd bought at Crawford Market in Bombay, the Goa kind being made of rocks and wood. Mine at least had four metal sides and a door. It didn't heat itself, though, but rested on top of a kerosene stove, which meant there was no way to control the temperature. "I'll have to borrow mine from the house in Colva," Serge continued. "I'll need more burners anyway for the different dishes and sauces."

Since the dining room table could seat only twenty comfortably, we restricted the dinner's guest list to the players and their mates. This itself was unusual—Anjuna events were open to everybody.

Serge and I spent hours checking details. They seemed endless, and my casino took an improbable proportions as I figured out more and more ways to create something special.

"How about a masseur?" I asked. "Sitting in a chair for hours, the players will develop cramps. I could have an Indian in the bedroom giving massages. What do you think?"

My most ambitious project, though, was turning the Goans into butlers. I wrote step-by-step instructions on how to serve the meal. Serve from the left; remove plates from the right; check for empty wine glasses, even planned finger bowls.

"Finger bowls!" laughed Serge. "You're not serious. Miss Cleo?"

I was no longer merely earning money to last the season—I was creating a gala event. Bernard and Sima brought me the opium equipment from Bombay, but I had no baba. I tried making pipes myself, but it was complicated and resulted in more opium on the floor than in the pipe. I gave up. I did find an Indian masseur, though. I fixed up the front room for him, instead.

For the opening of Cleo's Casino, the players and guests arrived in the early evening. Serge and a dozen Indians crowded into the kitchen. "Why are so many Goans here?" I whispered to Serge.

"I suspect they're plain curious. News of your dinner is all over the beach."

As I'd expected, too many people came, but it sorted itself out, with some uninvited leaving and others sitting at tables against the wall. I sat at one end of the main table, and Serge—who ran back and forth to the kitchen—sat at the other. After we consumed the appetizer, which had been waiting an the table, I grandly rang the brass bell I had bought for the occasion. Expecting one Goan to come through the swinging doors (made at my design by the carpenter), I was aghast when no fewer than eight, of all ages, dashed into the room, picking plates from whichever side was closest and plopping down the next course.

Oh, no! I wanted to the. Hadn't they read my instructions? Arid crushing chaos, I flew into the kitchen crying. "Serge! Did you see that? An army charged in with the next course!"

"Miss Cleo, everything's fine. This is Goa, not Las Vegas. Relax. Here, taste this."

And so passed the first formal dinner on Anjuna Beach. Though I couldn't eat more than a bite, Serge's Boeuf Bourguignon was supreme, and everyone agreed it was a Goa first. During dessert, I sensed the players were antsy to start the game. They retreated to the boudoir-turned game-room upstairs, where I had everything arranged on a green tablecloth to match the green walls. The others moved to the living room, where a party began. Frantically I ran around coddling guests.

"Will you calm down!" said Serge. "Relax and enjoy your party. It's sensational."

It really was sensational. People came and went all night. I limited the upstairs spectators so there wouldn't be too much noise. In the bedroom I laid out the opium, but the people who tried to smoke succeeded only in splattering brown goo on the linoleum floor. Egads, my linoleum! As prearranged, the masseur arrived in the morning. I had eggs and toast brought in for the interested people, while most of the players stayed upstairs with the game. For lunch I ordered a buffet placed within reach of the poker table, so nobody would be discouraged from nourishment by distance.

Late in the afternoon, Serge announced he was leaving for a while.

"Where are you going?"

"I have things to do. I be back."

"Ohhhhh, must you?"

As soon as he left I felt depressed. I was exhausted. My nerves were frayed from pre party anxiety plus a ton of coke. How could he leave me? Where was he going? To his wife? Another one of his girlfriends? I felt abandoned. SO tired.

After a last check for problems, I hung a blanket over the platform downstairs and crawled underneath to rest. Where was Serge? I hugged my knees and cried. Too much coke. Not enough sleep. No food.

Too wired to doze, I lay there miserable. Crowds no longer packed each room—almost everyone was upstairs, with one or two in the dining room and someone in the front room getting a massage. The house was quiet, with only an occasional curse from the game and murmurs filtering from the hack. I couldn't dose my eyes. They popped open and filled with tears. Giving up on sleep, I crawled out and wandered about feeling lost. I didn't offer dinner and stopped emptying ashtrays. Serge didn't return till morning.

Happy to see him, I couldn't be angry. As the game neared its final hours, I recorded the event with my movie camera. Doctor Bo, slightly Coke Amuck and paranoid, scowled at me through the viewfinder. I laughed. Another heap of coke and Serge's return had cheered me considerably. I didn't even mind trudging up and down the stairs to open the door, where my imported-from-Bombay doorbell now rang repeatedly.

"Shambo, Cleo, man," said Kadir, coming in. He had left the party a day and a half earlier. "So tell me, who lost money while I was away?"

Petra slunk in with one palm raised to her forehead like an Apache on the warpath. "WHAT'S going ON here. The WHOLE beach is Talking about it."

Serge went from nostril to nostril, dispensing snorts of coke. Ashley climbed on a table and fanned herself with an ostrich feather as she watched the end of the game. She placed herself in Dayid's line of vision to lend support during his bout of losing.

"ABOMINATION!" said Dayid forcefully, throwing down another hand of cards. "That onerous luck!"

That night, after everyone finally left. Serge and I lay downstairs under the platform, and I fell asleep in his arms.

Before he left, Dayid had handed me my share of the winnings—$ 465. That's all? It should have been more. Apparently, seeing how fast the money had been piling up, the players decided to stop putting aside a percentage for Inc. Not fair! With my habits, a few hundred dollars wouldn't last long at all.

"So when's the next game?" Serge asked when I woke up a day later.

I gave him a dirty look. "Please. I don't think I could five through another one of those." That was the last of Cleo's Casino.

*

As the end of the season came closer and closer, the weather grew hotter and hotter. Serge stopped visiting his wife every week. "Last time I went, I found her latest boyfriend using my toothbrush," he exclaimed. "My toothbrush! A dirty, creepy junky. She has no finesse!"

Then one day Serge left India to do business.

And once again I returned to Neal.

April brought my birthday. To celebrate, Neal and I taxied to the Fort Aguada Hotel, the fanciest in Goa, an hour's drive away. We ordered an exquisite dinner in the elegant dining room and snorted our lines of coke off the tablecloth. As usual we couldn't eat much, but we enjoyed the food tremendously by slinging it across the room from the ends of our forks. Afterward, we strolled through the Lobby and squeezed together on a chaise lounge by the pool, where we kissed and snuggled. For a birthday present Neal gave me a diamond nose pin. We joked over which side of my nose I should pierce. We didn't return to Anjuna till noon.

Too much coke. Not enough sleep. No food.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE GOING TO EVE’S? NOT NOW!"

"We've been gone all night."

"BUT IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!"

"I have to go."

"DON’T GO."

He left. I was crushed.

As each day became hotter than the one before, things also became crazier. Too much coke, not enough sleep, and no food induced a sharp edged insanity. Sometimes, alone in the house, I'd hear noises and imagine someone had broken in. Naked, I'd tear through the rooms shouting at the intruder. In one hand I held a kerosene lamp, in the other—raised above my head—a hammer.

"WHERE ARE YOU? I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE COME OUT!" An hour could go by and I'd still be opening closets, hunting the hiding person I knew was there. "HERE I COME. I’M GOING TO GET YOU!!"

Feeling like Roy Rogers, I chased shadows and battled the silent, coke-warped air.

Neal was no less Coke Amuck, and I feared he'd set the house on fire. I'd watch him stagger through the living room with a kerosene lamp, which he'd then balance on the edge of something; and I'd think—one of those lamps is going to fall and set the saris on fire, it's inevitable.

Fire had been a childhood fear of mine. The image of it torching my skin had terrified me. Now, the sight of Neal with a kerosene lamp in his band aroused the old nightmares.

So I went to Panjim to buy a fire extinguisher—heavy, bulky, industrial sized. And I slept with it. Neal and I no longer slept in the bedroom, partly because it was too hot up there, but mostly because we slept wherever we ended up nodding out. After days awake and spacey, one of us might say to the other: "Maybe we should sleep. Has it been a longtime?" It was this thing to do. When I felt ready. I'd take my standard sleeping potion—five mandies and twenty Valium (smack too, but that didn't count; that was "normal"). Then I'd do an immense line of coke to last me till the pills worked. Scientific. But what usually happened was that I'd be speeding like mad when the downs finally took effect. So I'd be falling over and stumbling around, yet wide awake. Hours would pass, and with them the effect of the pills. Which meant I'd have to start the process over—more pills to sleep, more coke to amuse me till I slept.

Neal and I didn't always manage to synchronize our sleep time, either. If by some miracle the pills caught me at a low in coke use. I'd he down, give a last peek to the reeling Neal, wrap my arms around the fire extinguisher, and sleep alone.

Our screaming fights continued periodically. Too muck coke. Not enough sleep. No food.

"YOU ARE TRYING TO DESTROY ME!"

"That's not true," Neal answered. CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK.

With psychoanalytic cocaine clarity, it became clear to me. "YES, YOU ARE. YOU DESTROY EVERYBODY YOU LOVE. LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO EVERYBODY ELSE WHO WAS UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO HAVE YOU LOVE THEM."

"Shh, come here and do this nice big line." CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK.

"YOU’RE CONSUMED WITH GUILT OVER THAT ROCK MUSICIAN YOU KILLED."

"I didn’t kill him." CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK.

"You think you did." A few years before, Neal had, as usual, dispensed his smack at a party in the States. One of the recipients, a famous musician, had overdosed and died. "You think it's your fault he died."

"Well . . . yeah." CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK.

"And you feel guilty about turning the Goa Freaks on to smack.

"AND YOU’RE TAKING IT OUT ON ME! WELL I WON’T LET YOU."

One day he told me, "I'm sending Eve back to the States."

"You are?"

"I think it's better if she goes back."

"Great. When?"

"Soon."

But Eve's imminent departure only worsened the situation, because Neal spent even more time at his place. It was too hot now to chase him across the paddy field, so I just stayed home. By this late in the season, the majority of Freaks had left Goa. The heat signalled it was time to leave India.

Sometimes Mushroom Jeffrey visited me. Mushroom Jeffrey had long, reddish-brown hair and a moustache and beard. He'd recently returned from the Rajneesh ashram in Poona, where he'd become a sannyasi—a swami. His new name was Anand Geet, and, like other sannyasis, he wore orange clothes and sported a mala, a necklace of wooden beads with a picture of the guru. I learned that the names Narayan and Ramdas were also Rajneesh-given names, acquired during initiation and signifying transition to the "spiritual" life.

No doubt about it, it was time to involve myself in a business venture. A few months earlier, Junky Robert and Tish had asked me to invest in their scam. They wanted to send two women to Canada. I gave them two thousand dollars before they left Goa but had heard nothing since. I couldn't count on that deal for immediate income. Now was definitely the time for me to leave India and do something. It would probably wise to get away from Neal too. Though I loved him to death, our relationship mostly gave me misery, frustration, and a sore throat from yelling.

"I need a scam," I told Anand Geet (Mushroom Jeffrey) one afternoon. "Everybody's gone or leaving."

"What will you do?"

"I know where to have cases made in Bombay, but I don't know where to buy the hash. Do you have a good connection for hash?"

"The Birmingham Boys have the best on the beach."

"Not them. They're scary. I've heard nothing but bad things about them."

The Birmingham Boys, thirty or so guys from Birmingham, England, operated an extensive export business. They'd known each other before coming to India, and the group's composition continually changed as people arrived from or returned to England. They'd never been hippies, never had long hair, never more than smirked at the sixties notion of "peace and love"; and, living outside Anjuna Beach, they frequented places that sold alcohol. Their business, which consisted of transporting hashish down from Nepal and Afghanistan into India and then to Europe, kept them in Goa—that and the fact that no police disturbed them there. They were more like a street gang than a group of Freaks.

"Not the Birmingham Boys," I said to Anand Geet. "Besides, I heard they're switching their trade from hash to smack. Anybody else?"

"Maybe Archimedes in Baga, but his stuff isn't that good. The Birminghams' is really the best. Who'll make the cases for you?"

"A shop near Crawford Market, but I have to provide the hash."

"I tell you what—give me the bread and I'll buy the hash and put it in the cases for you."

"Yeah? How much will you charge?"

"Let's say five hundred dollars? You must bring me the cases though."

"We'll have to go to Bombay."

"Tell me when and I will meet you there."

"Okay, but listen, do NOT tell anyone about this? Okay? Especially not Neal."

I planned my trip. I'd heard that Canada was no longer easy to enter. Customs inspectors were on the lookout for people coming from India. The new trick involved stopping somewhere en route and having someone waiting with a clean passport. Norwegian Monica had recently used that strategy through Bermuda.

I had someone perfectly suited for the journey's second half—Aunt Sathe.

I wrote her, outlining the scam. I'd take the cases to Bermuda, and Aunt Sathe would meet me there. We'd vacation like tourists, and then she'd carry the cases to Montreal, where I'd be waiting. She wrote back asking for the dates and saying she'd be ready.

Though being with Neal was at times pure joy, mostly I grew angrier and angrier at him. Spending final moments with his daughter or not, something didn't feel right. The way he kept me forever waiting for him drove me nuts. It appeared so deliberate. He didn't have to tell me he'd be right back if he wasn't going to be right back. It would have been fine for him to say he'd be back in two days. But to keep me waiting two days expecting him to arrive any second was inexcusable.

In any case, anger prevented my telling him about the scam. Then Neal announced, "I think it's time we leave here. The monsoon will start soon, and there's hardly anyone left on the beach. It's time to move to Bombay at least. What do you say?"

I threw my arms around him. "YahOOOOOO."

We flew together on the plane: Neal, Eve, the baby, and me. Neal paid for us all. We shared a taxi to the Sheraton, but once there, Neal, Eve, and the baby took a room on the ninth floor, and I had one on the eleventh.

Out of stubbornness I wouldn't go to Neal's room, hoping it would make him send them back to the States that much sooner. It didn't work, of course.

At first we met daily in the stairwell on the tenth floor.

"So how are you?" he asked.

"Miserable on eleven without you"—which was just what he wanted to hear. "When is Eve leaving?"

He giggled. "Well, I planned to buy the tickets today," he said giggling some more, "but I got hung up. Know who came by this afternoon? I haven't seen him in year . . ."

Neal's room on the ninth floor became the hangout of Bombay. There was always a crowd there. I still refused to go but heard about the gaiety from those who remembered to visit me too. They were having a ball down there.

After a week Neal and I met less frequently, and when we did, it was only to argue.

"Did you buy Eve's ticket home yet?" I'd ask.

"Tomorrow, I promise."

Anand Geet arrived one day and moved into my room. I took him to the bag place in Crawford Market, and he started work on the cases. I'd show that Neal! I wasn't sitting around waiting for him to grace me with his presence.

At night Anand Geet sometimes didn't show up till Tate. I'd be enraged—not because I wanted to be with him, but because I knew he was on nine, having a great time at the party chez Neal and Eve.

Two weeks passed, and Eve was still in India, and baby Mahara was still in India, and I was still on the eleventh floor while the parties continued on nine. I hated Neal.

"Meet me?" he asked over the phone one day.

Furious at myself for being excited at the thought of seeing him, I then became furious at him as I sat on the steps a long, long time waiting for his appearance.

"Sorry I'm late," he said, bursting through the stairwell door with a happy, bouncing face. I'd been waiting an hour and twenty minutes and could only growl in response. When he leaned over to kiss me, I didn't kiss back. "What's the matter?" he said, laughing. "Aren't you glad to see me?" I gave him a dirty look. "I have news for you," he continued. "Want to hear it? Don't be mad at me." He kneeled on the step below me. "Want to hear the news? Yoo hoo. Hello, hello. Well, I'll tell you anyway. Eve's leaving tomorrow."

And then, she was gone.

Neal and I moved in together.

But really, it was too late. I hated him too much by that time. Too much rage lurked beneath my moments of passion, and too much mistrust overlay whatever love was left. The morning after we moved, I noticed the chance during our room-service breakfast. As I waited for him to scoop mango jam from a plastic container, it hit me. I couldn't reach a positive feeling for him. I no longer smiled inside when I looked at him. I no longer wanted to touch his face or rub my toe across his foot. In fact, he turned me off.

I stared at him and concentrated on the feeling. What was it? Revulsion? No, not that strong. It was nothing. I felt nothing. Nothing, tinged with a bit of resentment. A bit of impatience. And yes, perhaps a dash of revulsion after all.

I loved it!

How absolutely wonderful! I felt so free. I revelled in no longer being in love with him. Great. Great.

"Don't touch me." "Leave me alone." "I don't love you anymore."

I had a terrific time rejecting him. Neal didn't seem to take me seriously, though.

I counted the days till my scam would be ready and I could leave. I kept in contact with Aunt Sathe, and she awaited the signal to depart for Bermuda.

Anand Geet had moved to another hotel with the suitcases, and little by little I transferred clothes to his room and packed them. Soon, I was sure. I'd have a new supply of finances.

The day was at hand. I sent the confirming telegram to Aunt Sathe, told Neal I was going shopping, and checked into the Horizon Hotel near the airport. That night, Anand Geet delivered the cases. Everything was set to go down the next afternoon. I had the ticket—British Airways to London, trans Heathrow, on to Bermuda. I was leaving India, the heat, the monsoon, and Neal. Hallelujah.

The next morning, I searched for a beauty parlour to coif my hair into the straight look.

I couldn't find one!

Oh, shit!

All those hotels by the airport and no hairdresser? Not possible! I phoned everywhere. Nothing open, or at least nobody answered. What to do? I couldn't go with my straight, stringy hair. No matter what I wore, I'd look like a hippie. I HAD to find a beauty parlour. Hours went by as I waited for the bell captain to call me back with information. Nothing.

By the time I resigned myself to the fact I'd have to trek back into town to the salon at the Taj Mahal Hotel, I was thoroughly discouraged. I probably could have made the flight, but it no longer felt right.

I didn't go.

It was wrong. All wrong. I called Anand Geet. "I didn't go."

"What happened?"

"I couldn't find a hairdresser. Nothing went right. It wouldn't have worked."

I thought I was deranged.

And so I returned to Neal.

After dropping the cases at Anand Geet's, I picked up the room key in the Lobby and entered our room.

"Well, hi cutie," said Neal. "Nice to see you again."

I told him about the scam.

"You're crazy for going yourself," he said. "You should have sent a runner." He didn't mention my walking out on him.

"But I trust myself better than anyone else," I told him. "Unless you act right and say the right thing to the Customs man, hell be suspicious. I know I can get through."

"It's still taking a chance. We'll find someone to go instead. Where are the cases now?"

"At Geet's. I planned to try again next week."

"No, you don't want to carry them yourself. There are plenty of people in need of money who can do that."

"It’s MY scam!"

It was no longer my scam. It became OUR scam. Within a week Neal found us a runner named Lila and bought her a ticket. She was all set to go to Bermuda with MY cases, to meet MY aunt. I cabled Aunt Sathe about the change.

Now we just had to wait for Aunt Sathe's telegram.

"NO telegram," I told Neal two days later, after returning from American Express.

"No? There should be something by now."

When a week went by with no news, we became anxious.

After two weeks, depressed.

"Something must have happened."

"Her telegram might be lost. You know how bad American Express mail."

"Did you send your Aunt those cables?"

"Either Lila arrived or she didn't. We should have heard something either way. There has to be a message for us someplace."

"There has to be, but there isn't. I hope nothing happened to Aunt Sathe."

"Well, we can't do anything till we get an answer. Meanwhile, if the didn't go down, we can't afford Bombay. I think we should go back to Goa till we hear something."

"We MUST receive some kind of news. They couldn't both have shed. And we know Aunt Sathe wouldn't run off with our cargo."

We waited another week and then, reluctantly boarded one of the Bombay-Goa flights. Air India discontinued the service during the monsoon, and the rains began as we landed.

Hardly a soul remained in Anjuna. Only the failures who couldn't get themselves together stayed in during the monsoon. Everything in the house had been packed by maid and her father after I'd left, as per my instructions. The weather destroyed anything not protected. I dragged a couple of mattresses down where they'd been stacked atop the platform and laid out carpets for da« living room.

That night, Apolon told me his daughter couldn't clean every day as she had during the, season. During, the monsoon, the paddy fields needed the Goans to plant rice.

"The chai shop is closed," he also told us. "Now and then, maybe my wife will roast you a chicken, but you must cook for yourself otherwise."

Cook? Us? We'd starve first. No, things wouldn't be easy. I hoped we'd hear from Aunt Sathe soon.

Neal and I climbed onto the pile of mattresses and snorted coke. CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK.

"Oh, no," I exclaimed. "I just thought of something."

"What?"

"The lamps. Without the maid, who'll fill the lamps? I don't even know where the kerosene is. And water. We'll need water."

"And Coca-Cola."

"I don't think I've ever drawn my own water from the well."

"It's not hard."

"You know how many trips up and down the ladder it takes to fill the tank for the toilet? Then there's the plastic buckets in the dining room and kitchen. It would take all day."

"We won't be here that long. The tanks are full now, aren't they?"

"Yeah. "We have everything now—water, kerosene, Coca-Cola. Apolon even brought a piece of ice for the ice box."

"There you are. We have everything."

We also had drugs. Neal had the smack. Neal always has smack. Both of us had a stash of coke. Since the air was humid I decided to put mine in the safe behind the painting. After dropping crystals into the powder to absorb moisture, I unlocked the safe. Stored in its cool depths were eleven tolas (one  tola = ten grams) of opium; six tabs of acid; a gram of morphine bought from Paradise Pharmacy in Mapusa sold legally over-the-counter), which I found unusable doe to its disgusting taste (besides, only junkies used morphine); and a kilo of bad border hash that, not knowing any better. I'd stupidly bought to offer guests. It was comforting to survey the cellophane mountain of my hoard. I placed the coke on its summit. Next, I checked the pill cabinet. I had thirty-four packets of Valium (ten to a packet), seven packets of Mandrax, three bottles of Dexedrine, and a year's worth of birth-control pills.

I had had my period in months. How many? Four, five? Could I be pregnant? Never. Me? I hated kids. I looked at my skinny reflection in the mirror. Impossible. I should probably stop taking the pill.

I went back to the living room to join Neal and the mirror piled with coke. CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK.

Our first week in the monsoon blended into one coked-out weird day. We hardly noticed the echo of the rain sealing us in. The dimness of the cloudy daylight blended with the dimness of the kerosene night light. The long day stretched itself into a week. Then the coke was nearly finished.

"I'm going to Bombay," said Neal. "We should find out if there's news from your aunt. I'll pick up coke from Sukalatchi Street while I’m there."

"Check Joe Banana's first. Maybe Aunt Sathe sent a telegram here."

No mail at Joe's. Neal left for Bombay. That night, there was a knock on the front door. I was surprised. I hadn't thought there was anyone left on the beach to come visiting. Apolon and his family used the kitchen door.

I couldn't believe the pretty face I found on the doorstep. "Hello, Miss Cleo."

"Serge!" I leaped on him, knocking him off the step. He wrapped his arms around me.

"It feels so good to hold you again," he said. "I missed you." We kissed on the damp sand under the dark sky.

"Where have you been? You just disappeared," I asked and kissed him again. "I'm so happy to see you!"

We went inside and sat under the platform holding each other.

"I had to do business. Make money."

"What are you doing back here in the monsoon?"

"Why, I came to see you, of course. Had to see Miss Cleo. But I was afraid you'd be gone and that I wouldn't find you till next season." We kissed some more. "Why are you still here?"

I sunk my forehead into my palm and groaned. "OOOOOhhhh. Nothing worked right. I invested money with Tish and Junky Robert but haven't heard from them. Then I sent a girl to Bermuda and she disappeared. I don't know what happened to that scam. Neal just left for Bombay to see if there's a telegram."

"Are you and Neal together, then?"

"NO! That's finished, really. I can't bear him anymore. I want to be with you. You're the one I love." I kissed his cheek, his neck, his ear.

"Does Neal know this? Or does he think you're still together?"

"Well, I don't know . . . Yeah, I guess he thinks we're together. I've told him it's over, but I don't think he believes me."

"You missed him again."

"When he returns. You'll stay, right? You're not going to leave, are you?"

"I've come thousands of miles to see you, Miss Cleo. I’m not leaving you now. You'll tell him, though? I love Neal. He's my friend. I don't want to create a problem."

"I'll tell him. He knows already. Besides, you'll be here with me."

"Look how skinny you are! Even skinnier than before. You must eat. When was the last time you had a meal?"

"I ate a candy bar yesterday."

"A candy bar! That's not food. I make you something. What do you want?"

"I'm not hungry."

"You must eat something. What will you have? A cheese omelette?"

"Ooo, yum! Cheese omelette!"

As usual, I couldn't eat more than a bite of the huge thing he cooked. "I can't eat another mouthful. I explode."

"You hardly touched it. Come on, I made it just for you."

"No, no. Stop. Take it away. Later. Maybe I finish it later. Let my stomach recover a while from the shook of nutrients."

The next morning, Neal returned.

NO.

Not yet!

Full of energy, he burst into the house like a tornado of good cheer. "Hi, cutie. I'm back!" He giggled, dumped his bag on a cushion, and shook his wet bangs. His clothes dripped water into a Pool at his feet. "Hi, Serge." He turned back to me. "It's really raining out there. You should see it."

"That was quick. I didn't think you'd be back so soon."

He giggled. "Well, you see, I never made it to Bombay. The airport's closed for the monsoon. I spent the night in Panjim thinking I could board a boat, but the boats aren't running either. We're marooned here. I had no idea it was like this during the monsoon. It's unearthly. Like being stranded on another planet."

"The buses are running," said Serge. "I got off one yesterday."

"You did?" Neal giggled again. "I can't imagine why anyone would WANT to be here at this time. I know why we're here. I thought you had more sense."

"I've spent many monsoons here—in Colva," said Serge. "Until year, I stayed in Goa three years without leaving. I like it in the rainy season. It's peaceful and quiet."

"Serge, old boy! Can you sell us coke? Or don't you have any left?"

"How much would you want?"

"Looks like we might be here a while. What do you think?" he asked me.

"Looks like we’ll be here forever. We need half a ton."

"Maybe a few ounces. Could you handle a few ounces?" Neal asked Serge.

"I don't know . . . I need to keep some for myself. One ounce for sure, maybe two. I see how much I have."

Why did Neal have to come back? Everything seemed to be moving too fast. In an instant, Neal stepped back into place and Serge assumed visitor status. Serge physically withdrew from me under the influence of Neal's presence. Wait a minute, wait a minute. This was not how I wanted it. I wanted to be with Serge, not Neal. What happened?

I became annoyed. Why had Serge retreated to the other side of the room like that? He was supposed to be over here with me. I felt isolated, left by myself to handle the situation.

Neal sped around the room as if nothing had changed. Frustrated and confused, I grasped the half-eaten cheese omelette that had been lying there since the day before and threw it in Serge's face.

Neal giggled. Serge's hurt look told me he didn't understand. Well, good. I didn't understand, either. I stormed out of the room, leaving him to pick up the pieces of dried egg that had flown all over.

I paced the carpet in the bathroom, opening cabinets and drawers, touching things, looking in the mirror. I changed my dress for one I picked up from the floor. Since the maid stopped coming in, things continued to he wherever they'd been discarded.

I still had coke stashed in the safe, so I didn't have to go back to the living room right away. Instead, I puttered around the bathroom.

Eventually Serge joined me. His brown eyes were wide and he wasn't smiling. Sadly and patiently, he told me he was going to the house in Colva to see about the coke.

"You'll be right back?"

"Do you want me to come back?"

"YES! Aren't you going to stay with me?"

"You know I want to be with you. I don't know what you want . . . You threw the cheese omelette in my face! I'd made that specially for you." I hugged him. "Come right back, okay? Please." I snared a clump of his hair in my mouth.

"I'll be here as soon as I can," he said, but I kept holding him. "I'll have to leave now to get back by tonight," he added, trying to pull away. I didn't relinquish my embrace. "The sooner I go, the sooner be back." I tightened my grip and wrapped a leg around him.

We laughed together.

When Serge returned that night, the relationships were set. I was with Serge. I knew it. Serge knew it. I guess Neal knew it.

It didn't matter anyway. As soon as Serge returned to sell us four ounces, the three of us divided the house into three separate realities. The otherworldliness of the extreme weather warped even further the eeriness of our already-strained perceptions. It was like being in another dimension—soft, cloudy, speedy, and of course wet. It was hard not to notice the wetness of the cushions, the soggy saris hanging from the ceiling, our clammy clothes. In that respect, our three universes shared a common element. Nothing stayed dry during the monsoon. Even the wood of the stairs and the tile of the floor felt damp. And shortly, everything assumed another monsoon characteristic—mouldiness. Everything, everything, everything was damp and mouldy.

Serge took over a window ledge under the stairs. He filled it with coke paraphernalia—his needle and syringe; my soup spoon, now best into a silver twirl; a champagne glass of water. Serge stayed at his window ledge fixing one shot after another after another after another. Sweat poured from his temples and blood ran down his arm. Obsessed with the surge of coke as he squeezed the liquid drug into a vein, he never noticed the Hood of water outside the window inches from his face. The tie wrapped around his arm was held down by his foot at one end and pulled out by his teeth at the other. Serge exclaimed "Oh, wow" regularly, like a stoned cuckoo clock marking time. There was a rhythm to them. As soon as he withdrew the emptied syringe from his arm, he'd draw water from the champagne glass to clean it out. This he'd squirt in an ashtray, and then he'd begin the process again—coke in the spoon, a dash of rain water, stir with the end of the needle, into his vein . . . "Oh, wow."

His preoccupation was okay, though. I hardly missed him. I'd be crouched in coke-fantasy delight on a four-foot-square world map. Foot on Bolivia, once over Antarctica, I would sail my finger on the Pacific as my eyes scanned for land. "Where's Tahiti? I can't find it! Where's Tahiti?"

For hours, days and weeks, with Serge riveted to his window ledge, I planned my next scams—the ones that would go down as soon as we heard from Aura Sathe and Lila.

"We need a midway stopover so Customs doesn't get suspicious," I said. "Where is Tahiti?"

Neal would be nearby chopping coke. CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, CLICK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK. His limp satin pants clung to his legs as he lay stretched out in his own coke rapture, leaning on an elbow. He'd use the rusty mirror to scratch his beard as he told stories nobody was listening to. ". . . remember Petra in Venice," he said. "I think that was here she met . . . or was he there writing poetry? . . . Well, one day . . ."

"Here it is!" I exclaimed. "I found Tahiti. Look, it's over here by the States.  This is perfect. I'll take the cases to Tahiti, coming from over this way. Then you rake those dumb cruises out of L.A. and meet . . ."

"Oh, wow."

" . . . Petra performing at that time . . . " CLICK, SCRAPE, CLICK, SQUEAK.

"Oh, wow."

SCRAPE, SCRAPE.

". . . nobody would suspect anyone coming from Tahiti . . ."

"Oh, wow."

SQUEAK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK.  ". . .  gondola capsized . . . "

". . . or let Aunt Sathe . . ."

"Oh, wow."

The air was hick with humidity and coke rainbows. Every day brought a new insect—one bigger, stronger, and moving in a different way than the old insect it had consumed. It marked the passing of time. "What kind of bit:; Co we have today? Does it crawl on my map? Hop on my lap? Slither under my knee?

". . . and then Blind George showed up . . ."

". . . and then we visit these Islands here . . ."

"Oh, wow."

CLICK, SQUEAK, SCRAPE. Something jumped on Neal's glass block and landed in the coke. "Hey! Look at this. Powered beetle! Whoa, little fellow, having fun in there?" It didn't hedge. "Look at him. It’s stoned! Immobilized." Neal pushed the insect with his finger.

". . . go through Alaska next? It's up here . . ."

A drop of sweat fell unnoticed from Serge's hair and landed on his nose, where it slid to join the previous drops in the wrinkles of his harem pants. He let the tie slip out of his mouth as another syringeful soused his brain. "Oh, wow."

"Look at this bug go. He's staggering!"

". . . Alaska is good because it's part of the U.S. Once you get in there, you're in. Who would search anyone going to Alaska? . . ."

"Oh, wow."

"Watch him waggle! Hey." Neal leaned over and put the glass block between me and the North Pole.

"Want to go to Alaska?" I asked as I took the line of coke. Our eyes met.

"How're you doing?" he asked. I smiled.

"Oh, wow," came Serge's muffled voice.

I jumped up. "I need a super line to get me to the bathroom and back." I scraped a pile of coke to the centre of the glass block and snorted.

I started to hand the block to Neal, but pulled it back. "Wait. One more. The bathroom's so far away."

After snorting the second mound, I strode unsteadily to the door. As I passed Serge, I caressed a handful of his hair. "Oh, wow," he said, staring his arm.

To reach the bathroom, I had to pass the dining room and the kitchen. Water had leaked in from the side door, and a stagnant Pool covered most of the dining-room floor. I walked a few feet through water my wet footprints followed me into the bathroom.

I really had to do something about the toilet. The tank on the roof was empty, so the toilet couldn't flush. At least two weeks' worth of business had accumulated in the bowl. Pew! Maybe I should remove the cover from the tank and let the rain fill it. I'd be taking a chance, though, because if a leaf blew in, it might wreck the delicate system. I had to think of something soon. The smell was inching its way to the rest of the house. Without the maid coming every day, entropy was setting in.

I looked at myself in the mirror. Mistake. Oh, look at me! I moved a hand to my tangled head. What a mess. I grabbed a brush and matte a half-hearted swipe at some hairs. Impossible. I'd never get those knots out. I threw the brush down and contemplated the pile of clothes that covered the table, the chair, and a corner of the floor. I took off the blue dress I'd been wearing for who-knows-how-many-days and put on a red velvet one. I dropped the blue dress on the floor.

I looked round the dim room. Smoke clouded the glass of the kerosene lamp. I opened a cabinet but could hardly see inside. I closed the cabinet and opened a drawer. Birth-control pills. Still hadn't gotten my period. I closed the drawer and slid open the sliding door of the closet. It was filled with the clothes I never wore. Or at least nothing I'd worn since the period stopped coming.

"Hi." It WAS Serge. He came in and dried his feet on the rug. The pupils of his eyes were enormous. I looked in the mirror. So were mine. He came next to me and, side by side, we gazed at our reflections.

"Cleeeeeeeeeeeo." It was Neal. "Where'd everybody go?" he said, coming in and drying his feet. "Want a toot?" He offered me the glass block. I took it, and he too turned to the mirror. He shook his bangs at his image, made a face, and said, "I need a bath. The ocean's too rough to go swimming. Why don't we go out in the rain?"

I handed him back the block and asked, "So, want to go to Alaska? It'll be easy. Look, Show you where it is." I left the room, followed by Serge and, a few seconds later, Neal. I waded through the water in the dining room. White casserole dish containing a whole cooked chicken sat on the table. It had been there untouched since Apolon brought it two days before.

"Hey," said Neal, "should we order another chicken?"

"Why?" I answered. "We never eat them."

"Maybe this one's still good," said Serge. He lifted the cover and peered at the food. He sniffed and took a bite. "It's good."

I returned to the living room and knelt on the map. "I'd also like to go to Africa."

Neal came in and said, "I wonder if there's mail at Joe Banana's."

"AUNT SATHE!" I exclaimed. My finger kept tabs on Africa while I looked up at Neal. "We have to see if there's news from Aunt Sathe!"

"Maybe go later and check," Neal answered before becoming distracted by the hallowing saris.

Serge continued chewing and sat at his window ledge. He picked up his syringe. "Do you think it's August vet?"

I looked at the map. "Oo, look! Casablanca!"

A week went by, then another two. We forgot all about Aunt Sathe in our psychotic cocaine ecstasy. Life grew wetter and then darker as one by one the lamps ran out of kerosene. At first Serge filled them from plastic bottles he found in the kitchen. When those ran out, he used the kerosene from the stoves. Then we made do with less and less light. On rare occasions, if someone remembered to ask, and if Apolon agreed to do it, the Goans filled the bottles. But as their field work became more time consuming, and as we grew crazier than ever, they stopped coming altogether.

For the most part, the house was now lit solely by three blackened lamps. Serge had one on his ledge. Neal and I had one on the other side of the living room, and the bathroom had the third.

Even though I was "with" Serge, it seemed I spent more time with Neal. Serge had rented a motorbike and would leave periodically to do I didn't-know-what I-didn't-know-where. I always forgot to ask. I knew he ate. In spite of everything, he seemed to be keeping himself in better condition than Neal and I were. When he was in the house, he spent the time at his window ledge with his syringe, fixing one shot of coke alter another. When he wasn't at the ledge, he soon fell asleep. So, although I more or less hated Neal (who could remember?), I usually awoke to find myself lying next to him. Well, Serge always fell asleep in the middle of the room! And at the wrong time!

One day I woke up on the floor with a hole in my chin. OW! Pain and my cry had woken me. Alerted by my yell, Neal peeped over the platform edge. (I guess I'd fallen asleep next to him again.)

"What happened?" he asked. "What are you doing down there?"

"OOOOOOOOw." I tried to hoist myself off the floor, but raising my head made me dizzy.

Neal giggled at me. "You fell off the platform in your sleep?"

"It hurts. OOOOW. I just woke up. I don't know what happened." He climbed down. "Here, let me look."

"I can't move my head. I'm dizzy."

"One second. Let me see!"

"OOOOWWWWW."

"You cut your chin. You must have hit a corner of the step on your way down."

"My head. It's killing me. Where's my smack?"

Neal brought my stash while I bled on the Rajasthani rug. "Maybe you should have stitches."

"NO. I don’t trust those Indian doctors. I'd be scarred for life."

"You might have a scar anyway."

"Oh, no. Get me a mirror."

Serge was out. By the time he returned, I lay propped on an elbow, unable to straighten my head. When he saw my bloody face, he rushed to my side.

"What happened?" he asked anxiously.

"I fell off."

"No." Almost laughed. "How did you do that?"

"I don't know. I woke up on the floor."

"Why are you tilting your head?"

"It hurts and makes me dizzy if I hold it straight."

His concern grew when he saw my chin. "You should go to the hospital and let a doctor look at you."

"I don't want to go to the hospital."

The pair increased as I tried to sit up. Serge's face filled with worry. "I think you should go."

"I’M NOT GOING."

"Yes, you are, Miss Cleo. I'm leaving right now to find a taxi."

"NO!"

But he rushed out and sped away on his motorbike.

"I'm not going anywhere," I told Neal.

Half an hour later Serge returned. "I brought you a taxi. The road's washed out, so it's on the other side of the paddy field. Let's go. I'll take you across on my bike."

"Absolutely not."

"You're going whether you like it or not."

"I'm not getting on that bike."

He kneeled in front of me. "Look at you with your cockeyed head. You may have really hurt yourself." He kissed my hair. "I'm worried about you. I'd never forgive myself if you were seriously hurt. Please."

"No."

He smiled at me. "Well, if you won't go on your own I'll have to carry you." Amid my screams, he picked me up.

"LET ME DOWN. I DON’T WANT STITCHES!"

He carried me out of the house yelling at the top of my voice. It was pouring outside. The Goans across the way came to their window to investigate. Nothing the crazy foreigners did surprised them anymore, but we were good entertainment. Hanging over Serge's back, I pounded him with my fists.

"LET ME GO. LET ME GO."

He carried me across the paddy field and dumped me in the back seat of the taxi. Neal climbed in too, and we were off to Mapusa and the Catholic hospital.

Barefoot, hair in a rat's nest, and wearing a sopping pink-and-bite checked skirt pulled over my chest, I was placed, still kicking, on the emergency table. I barely let the doctors touch my chin and told them I didn't want stitches. They didn't argue about that, but seeing my emaciated form, they suggested I be admitted. They weighed me.

I weighed seventy-eight pounds—thirty pounds less than when I modelled.

Neal wasn't much heavier, and he was given the bed next to mine in the double room. Nurses immediately hooked us up to a glucose I.V.

Serge slept in my bed. That first night we were visited by every nurse in the hospital. We were a great attraction.

"Welcome," Neal would declare in the tone of a gracious host as yet another nurse popped her head in the doorway. "Do come in and sit down."

None of them accepted his often [?]

Neal had his smack stash with him, but the coke remained at the house. Serge was to bring it the next day.

We waited impatiently for his return and pounced on him as he entered the room.

"It's about time!"

"Where've you been? It took you long enough. Did you bring the coke?"

"Of course. But I only brought one gram. I'm going to ration you."

"One gram! For both of us! What?"

"You can't do that! That's sick!"

"Look how skinny you both are. You have to eat to regain your strength." Neal and I protested vehemently. "It's only until you leave here," Serge insisted. "Then you can do as much as you want. You must eat."

One gram a day between the two of us didn't last long at all.

"Oo, oo!" I exclaimed, struck with an idea. "Do you think we could put coke in the I.V. bottle? Then it would go directly into my bloodstream." The notion intrigued them.

We waited until the bottle was almost empty. Then I stopped the flow in the tube while Serge turned the bottle upside down and Neal mixed some in with the glucose. When I started the flow again, there was an air bubble in the tube.

"Oh, no. A bubble! Will this kill me if it goes in my vein?"

"Don't worry. It's too small."

The coke affected me immediately. A golden rush.

"Feel anything?"

"Oh, wow!"

We had to call the nurse when the bottle was finished.

"How did these air bubbles get in here?" she asked as she changed bottles.

We shrugged our shoulders innocently.

They continued to give Neal and me glucose for three days and tried to persuade us to eat as much as possible. The doctors prescribed vitamin injections: one day calcium, one day vitamin B complex.

In the morning, Serge would drive away to fetch our daily gram. W'd be anxious to get him going so he could hurry back with the goodies. The hours circled on forever as we waited restless and grumpy for his return. We then sniffed up the one gram fast. By evening it would be gone.

But we did have great afternoons and even enjoyed the group of Goans who came to pray, standing at the foot of our beds and aiming their song in our direction. They ignored our laughter, our rolling eyes, our hand signals, and the way I buried my head in the covers when my giggles grew out of control.

After discharge from the hospital, we returned to the house in Anjuna Beach and resumed our old routine, with one difference—daily vitamin injection 3, one day calcium, one day vitamin B complex. Serge played doctor. We'd bought intramuscular needles in Mapusa, and he provided Neal and me with our cushy shots. If Serge was out when I remembered the injection, Neal gave me mine and I gave him his. It was fun.

Then Serge ran out of coke. He'd sold us most of what he had and was now left with none.

"Neal, could you sell me back half an ounce?" he asked.

"Remember my promise?" said Neal. "You told me not to let you do anymore coke once you ran out. You made me promise."

One time, months before, Serge had made me promise not to allow him do more than three fixes of coke. I'd agreed, and alter his third shot I took away his syringe and hid it. What a drama! For two hours he did not stop begging, whining, grovelling, and pleading for me to return his works so he could do another hit. He drove me out of my mind, following me around with clasped hands, "One more, please, one more." Good grief, what a nuisance! After that I refused to be responsible for his drug dosages. Now it was Neal's turn.

"Please. Sell me back a quarter ounce?" Serge said to Neal. "No."

"Okay, then one gram. One gram!"

"No."

"I'm out. You can't leave me like this."

"No."

"Pleeeeease. Then just let me have a few hits. I'll go out later and buy my own from somewhere."

"No."

It went on and on. Neal would say no and move away. Serge would follow begging, and whining.

"One hit, just one. You can let me do one hit. Please?"

He looked so sad. He seemed on the verge of tears.

"No."

I couldn't bear to see him suffer, so I made a secret sign for him to meet me in the bathroom. I went first, and he joined me a second later. He looked despondent.

"I have a bit left," I told him. "You can have some of my coke. Take your works upstairs. I meet you there in a few minutes."

Neal's calling broke up our meeting, and we returned to the living room.

"What were you two planning in there?" Neal asked.

Serge collected his gear and climbed the stairs. Neal would ask such a question. What was he—the Gestapo? As he was sprawled across cushions, looking up at me through sheep-dog bangs, I blatantly followed Serge.

"Hey, where's everyone going?" Neal asked. "Can I come?"

Furiously I dashed up the last step and tried to slam shut the double doors. The carpenter had done a miserable job on those doors, though, and they didn't fit together properly. They wouldn't close. I kicked at them. Twice they bounced back at me, but finally the edges connected and I quickly fastened the metal bolt.

I joined Serge in the bedroom. He'd brought up one of the lamps, and it caused grotesque shadows to wave across the saris hanging from the ceiling. The room was bare except for the mattress in the middle of the floor. I sat next to him and took out my stash.

He'd just found his vein with the needle when the explosion came. Terrified, we looked at one another.

"What was that?" he mumbled through the tie in his mouth.

I felt pricks on my body and looked down to see spots of blood on my arms and legs. Serge hurried to disgorge the contents of the syringe. Then I noticed the glass stream over the mattress. At the next explosion, we saw the rock. Serge saw it fly past my head.

"Neal's throwing rocks through the window!"

As I turned to see the broken holes, I shivered with fear. Serge and I scrambled against the wall, frozen in uncertainty.

"He's lost his mind!"

"My windows! Eve got to stop him."

"Should we go down?"

As another rock sailed in, Neal's voice shouted up to us, "Hey, what are you guys doing up there?"

That, at least, made him seem approachable, and I dared to yell down, "Are you insane? You're destroying my house. Stop."

"Then come down."

Concern for the house overcame my fear of the lunatic outside. I went downstairs and sat in the living room. Serge followed.

"You broke my windows!"

"Well, I felt lonely down here by myself."

"How will I fix them? What am I going to tell Lino?"

"What were you two doing up there?"

"Nothing."

"Why couldn't I come?"

Serge took no part in the discussion and shortly fell asleep. That's what always happened when he took a break from fixing coke—he fell right to sleep, anywhere, anytime.

"You should have let me come with you," Neal continued. I glanced over at Serge's sleeping form. How could he desert me at a time like this? "Or even if you locked the door, I wouldn't have come up if you didn't want me to."

"Oh, sure." I answered sarcastically. My heart still pounded from the sound of it and I didn't seem able to slow it down.

The argument went on and on. Apolon's roosters began their morning ka-rock-a-doo, and Neal carried on still, and I still hadn't been able to calm down. Neal sat too dose to me. He leaned even closer and questioned me. I was furious at Serge. Look at him sleeping so peacefully.

"Stop already. Enough," I said, moving to the other side of the room. Neal followed. "Leave me alone. I'm tired. I want to sleep." I lay down and closed my eyes. Neal sat beside me. "Shhhhh. I'm sleeping."

He giggled. "You're not asleep yet. I keep you company till you fall out. We didn't finish our talk."

"This talk is going nowhere." Again I moved, this time to a spot under the platform. In a minute Neal was at my side with the glass block. SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK.

"Want a toot?" SQUEAK, SCRAPE, SCRAPE.

"No. I want to sleep." But of course I took the line.

I lay back down. Neal's voice went on and on, and I gave up trying to sleep. "I CAN’T STAND THIS ANYMORE! I WANT TO BE ALONE!"

I grabbed my family-sized aspirin bottle, which had been full of coke but was now almost empty, and went flying up the stairs. As I turned to slam shut the doors, I saw that Neal wasn't following me, but my apprehension didn't lessen. Frantically, I tried to connect the mismatched doors. They slammed against each other and swung open to crash against the wall. Neal giggled hollow. I kicked again, and again they bounced back and slammed against the wall. The crashing sound increased my panic. I threw my whole body against the doors. Finally they connected. I shook so much it was difficult to slide the bolt over. I ran to the bedroom to check the outside door. Like the windows that faced the sea, it was boarded up against the monsoon. A quilt of palm fronds was wired against the outside frame. If I pushed the door real hard, I could see a silver of lightening morning sky. I sat on the glass-covered mattress and snorted some of my stash. Sleep—that's what I needed. If only I could sleep. I lay on the bare mattress and tried to ignore the glass fragments biting my skin. It was hot up there. I couldn't sleep. I snorted more coke and prowled around. There was nothing up there. Nothing. I was bored. I CAN'T STAND IT! My head raced uncontrollably. When would Serge waltz up and rescue me? Too much energy. There's too much energy in my hock. My body won't he still. Pin so bored. GET ME OUT OF HERE. I want to sleep. If only I could find a few Mandrax stashed under the mattress. The only thing under the mattress was an empty Valium pack and a piece of hash. I turned the mattress upside down to see if anything was hid me beneath the carpet. An old fetter. I'm going crazy up here. I can't stay Acre. And I can go down—he's there. I've got to get out. I looked again at the weather-sealed door. Impossible to get out that way. I lay down and closed my eyes. I paced. Frantic, I slammed at the boarded door. The bottom I couldn’t budge, but the top pushed out two meters. I had to get out. I had to. I pulled over the carved statue I'd brought from Bali. Balancing on two toes, I tried to squeeze my head through the opening at the top of the door. Panic gave me strength. I stepped on the brass Krishna door handle and wiggled my upper body through the palm-frond protection. My head was out! Clutching my precious coke bottle, I managed to squeeze the rest of my bones out and climb on the roof. Wow, daylight! I wasn't accustomed to such brightness. It had stopped raining for the moment, but the clouds seemed only inches above. No time. I had to get away. I had to flee. I crawled over the roof and vaulted across to Apolon's roof. I hoped his family wouldn't investigate the noise I made. I hoped Neal couldn't hear it. The tiles slipped beneath my knees. I jumped down and ran. The wet sand sprung from my fleeting steps. Unfamiliar morning flitted past me, thick and soggy. I ran. Past the field. Past the buffalo. Past deserted porches. No one was behind me, so I stopped! The dark-green plains waved against the dark-blue sky. How beautiful. I gripped my treasure bottle dose and noticed my arm grimy grey streaks against the dirty dress. Oh, my. So filthy! Look at the stains on this dress! I ran. Past the Monkey chai shop. Past Saddhu George's. Up the steps.

BAM, BAM. I pounded on the door. BAM, BAM, BAM. "Sasha! Sasha! Let me in!" BAM, BAM, BAM. "SASHA!" I hoped my friend was still there. Weeks before. Serge had mentioned that Sasha was still in Goa, trying to leave the monsoon. "SASHA!" BAM, BAM, BAM.

"Who is it?" a sleepy voice with an Austrian accent said at last.

"Sasha? Help, Let me in."

When he opened the door, I fell past him into the unilluminated room and groped to hide somewhere. My hand took hold of a piece of material, and I pulled whatever-it-was over my head. "Oh, thank you. Quick, lock the door! I'm flipping out here."

"I can see that."

He closet' the door and swung open the wooden shutters to let in the morning light. "What time is it?"

"Early. I'm sorry I woke you. It was an emergency."

The thing thrown over my head turned out to be a shirt, and I moved aside a hanging sleeve to peer out cautiously. Keeping one eye hidden, I held the sleeve under my chin. Sasha made no comment about my camouflage—he'd probably done the same thing in his own bouts of Coke at neck. He sat beside me on the mattress and turned to his smoking paraphernalia, which lay near the bed. I waited patiently until he had had a few bhongs. A person had to get his morning dope before he could think of anything else.

"Want a bhong?" he asked eventually, placing the bamboo pipe in front of me. As he held the match to the white powder, I closed my eyes and let the soothing drug fill my lungs.

Social amenities over, I explained, "You’re saving my life. I was flipping out."

"Feel better? Here, have another bhong."

"Thanks." I did feel a mite better—safe enough to remove the shirt from my head. "I need sleep. I’d be fine if I could just sleep a little. Do you have any mandies? I have coke. I trade you some of this bottle for a few mandies."

Sasha's eyes popped when he saw the bottle. Everybody had smack Coke was a luxury. Especially this time of the year, when most of last season's money had long since been spent. He jumped up.

"I should have a few somewhere." He tore through piles of junk Oil the window ledge. Papers flew to the floor. A basket of jewellery overturned. "Here's a couple of Valium and one manthe. Wait, I'll find more." He searched under the woven palm mat but found nothing. "Well, start with these at least," said Sasha "Maybe something else will turn up."

After he handed me the four pills and a glass of yesterday's coconut juice, he pounced on my bottle. He could barely restrain himself and toll me, "It's been weeks since I've had a decent hit of coke."

The few downs I swallowed were not going to do much, but at least it was a start I felt better just being away from the house. Then I remembered. "My shot! My shot! I must have my shot!" Sasha was absorbed in plunging coke through his syringe and barely heard me. "I must have my vitamins. Let me think What did I have yesterday? Was it the calcium? I can't remember. Sasha, I need my shot."

"What?"

"I have a calcium deficiency from the coke. I have to take calcium and vitamin B shots. What am I going to do? They're back at the house."

"Mmminmmmmm."

"Sasha, do you have calcium or vitamin B by any chance? I guess even calcium pills would be better than nothing. Sasha?"

"Uh, yeah. I have vitamin B3 ampoules somewhere. I'll have to look."

"Really? Great. Will you give me the shot? I must have one every day."

I waited for him to clean the syringe, and then he went searching once more through the clutter.

"Here it is," he declared, handing me an ampoule. "I don't have another needle, though. You’ll have to use this one."

"Oh, but that's an intravenous needle. That won't work in the ass, will it?"

"No. It's not long enough. I take it in the arm. It's not bad. Gives you a neat rush. Sometimes I use the vitamin B instead of water."

"Are you sure you can take it that way?"

"I do it all the time. It even says so on the label."

I checked. He was right. It said good for intravenous or intramuscular.

Still, I was uncertain. Though I'd watched people stick needles in their arms, I'd never had one in mine. But I needed the shot. Oh, well. I guess I didn't have a choice.

"Okay. Will you do it for me?"

"Sure."

He broke the neck of the ampoule with a can opener and drew the vitamin B3 into the syringe. I wrapped his tie around my arm and pumped my hand. Watching others, I knew the vein had to be fat and ready. It was actually exciting.

"Wow! I felt an incredible rush from that," I said. Heat zoomed all the way to my toes as he emptied the syringe.

"I told you."

"That's wild. The vitamin B does that?"

"Yeah."

"I felt that whoosh throughout my body. That was great."

Sasha returned his concentration to the coke. I leaned against the wall and urged my muscles to go limp. It felt strange to be away from the house.

BAM, BAM.

"Oh, no—he's found me," I whispered and jumped to cover Sasha's mouth with my hand. "Sasha, please don't let him in. Please. Please."

The pounding continued and made Sasha nervous. "I have to open it," he said. "There's no lock outside the door, so he knows I’m in."

"Please, no."

But the banging went on, and eventually Sasha rose to answer the door. I threw my body on the mattress. "Okay, but tell him I'm asleep and to go away." I closed my eyes and played dead. I heard the bolt slide across the door and then squeaky hinges.

"Sasha, have you seen . . ."  It was Serge's voice. "There she is. I've been looking everywhere for her."

GO AWAY, I thought to myself. I wanted to be alone. I didn't want to see either of them.

Serge's footsteps came in the room.

"She's sleeping," said Sasha.

"I've been worried. How long has she been here?"

"About an hour. She wanted downs so she could sleep."

"Well, let her be. As long as I know she's all right."

Serge tiptoed to my side. I felt the silky material of Chinese pants slide by my arm. Then his silver  lingam bumped my chin as he leaned over to kiss my forehead.

"I'll come by later," he whispered to Sasha on his way out. As soon as the door closed, I sprang to secure the bolt.

"Oh, thank you, thank you, Sasha. I can't deal with their movie. I just can't."

"Well, he's gone. Try to relax again."

It didn't seem more than a minute before the pounding came again. BAM, BAM, BAM.

"Sasha, don't open it. Please!"

"I have to."

Once more I lay down and played dead. This time it was Neal.

"She's here? There she is!" He giggled.

I didn't breathe as I heard him approach.

"She's asleep," said Sasha. "She was flipped out. I gave her downs to help her mellow."

Neal sat on me. "Hey, cuckoo."

"Maybe you should let her sleep. She was really out of it."

I tried to ignore the weight on my hip, but it was difficult when Neal planted his head, nose to nose, against mine. "Hey," he giggled.

I broke. "I'm sleeping. Leave me alone." I pushed him off me and rolled to my side.

"I know what you need to make you feel better," Neal said. I heard him rustle his bag and take out his glass block and razor blade . . . SQUEAK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK.

"I need to SLEEP. Go away."

"Here you go." SQUEAK. He placed the block in front of my face and inserted  the looter in my nose. I moved my head. "NEAL! I have to sleep." The looter followed my nostril as I shifted my head side to side to escape it. "NO!"

"You really don't want any? That is unusual."

He squeezed between me and the wall and stretched out beside me, lying half on top of me. "We were worried about you. Serge knocked down the door. I've thought you were still upstairs. How did you get out, anyway? The door is boarded up on the outside."

He wasn't going to leave me alone. I wanted to scream and scream and scream until I could rid myself of the energy that seemed about to explode from my skin. I rolled over, grabbed the aspirin bottle of coke, stood up, and dashed out the door. Neal followed.

It was drizzling. I ran but soon tired and could only walk. I could hear Neal a few Feet behind. "Where are you going now?" he asked.

Suddenly I noticed how green everything was and how much had grown. Leaves burst from bushes I'd never noticed in their naked state. I went deeper into the underbrush, hoping Neal wouldn't follow. The ends of branches scratched my arms. I looked down, amazed at my dirty, bloody, scratched-up skin.

"Hey, how are you going?" said the voice behind me. "Let's stop a moment for a toot."

"Leave me alone."

"Come on, a nice toot of coke will make you feel better."

"I'm too speedy as it is. I don't need more coke. I need to calm down."

"Okay, then stop a minute and I'll make you a nice big line of smack."

I didn't seem to have strength left to get away from him. And the smack sounded good.

Resigned, I sat beside him on a rock and let him talk me into smack, and then of course coke, and eventually we went home.

Not long after that, in one of my normal fits of fury at Neal, I banished him to the upstairs rooms. He was not to come down. I didn't want to see his face. He was either to leave my house completely and never come back or to remain hidden upstairs. He didn't want to leave me, so he moved into the empty rooms.

Now it was much better. Serge and I were finally alone. We played, and he made me laugh. We went to sleep in each other's arms. Occasionally I saw Neal approach the staircase and Look down on us. I'd make faces at him and gestures, and he'd go back to his room.

But Serge still left now and then for a few hours. And as soon as his motorbike could be heard pulling away, Neal came down the stairs.

"NO! GO BACK UP!" He'd be assailed by my screams as soon as he set foot on a step. "GO BACK UPSTAIRS! I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOU. I HATE YOU."

Of course he wouldn't go. He'd patiently wait out my tantrum, and after a half hour or so, I'd forget I hated him. Soon we'd be spacing around together in coke joy, planning the next scams we were going to pull off—to Tahiti, Alaska, New Guinea. Only when I'd hear Serge's returning motor would I remember my anger. Then I'd shriek again and push Neal to the steps, and finally Neal would collect his things and go back up. Sometimes, though, I didn't hear Serge's bike and would be surprised to see him come through the front door.

"Oh, hi," I'd say and run to throw my arms around him. I was always so glad to see him. And THEN I'd remember again that I hated Neal. Sometimes, though, Serge would be gone so long, he'd return to find Neal and I asleep next to each other. Well, I'd TOLD him Neal sneaked down as soon as he rode away!

One morning I woke up alone in the living room. I guessed Serge had woken early and left.

Then I stumbled on the note. It protruded from the mouth of the bhong.

I've left, it said. I've left because it's Neal you love, not me. I can't take it anymore. I love you too much. If I'm wrong, you know where to find me. I always love you. Serge.

Oh, no!

Frantically I looked around. Serge's window ledge still held the champagne glass, the ashtray, my bent spoon—yet it felt forsaken. I touched the pillow where he'd so recently laid his head. It was cold, damp but cold. He wasn't coming back. I lunged at a pack of his beedies lying on the carpet. One left. But he wasn't coming back for it. I knew he wasn't coming back.

How could he?

I was stunned. Was he crazy? Love me! How could he think that? I reread the note, but its words hadn't changed. He was gone.

I roamed the room. There were my red Chinese pants he used to wear, discarded on a cushion. I stabbed at them with my toe. How could he leave me?

If I'm wrong, you know where to find me, the note said. Where? I had no idea. Teheran? We'd discussed travelling there to visit Sima and Bernard. But he knew I considered Iran the toilet of the world. Passing through it on the overland bus to India, it had been the only country where I'd had trouble travelling as a lone female. Fuck him. I wouldn't even consider tracking him down. Iran might be great if you could rid it of Iranian men; until then, it wasn't the place to bunt for a runaway boyfriend. No. Fuck him. Love Neal?

When Neal came down a little later, I tore into him like a wild woman. It took him time to figure out what had happened. He found it quite funny.

"IT’S NOT FUNNY. IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT I HATE YOU. GET OUT OUT OUT." I pounded on him with my hands and feet and words. I couldn't bear to look at him. It was because of him that Serge had left, I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN."

Before he could think of a way to handle the situation, he was in the rain with his clothes and knickknacks scattered all over.

"Wait a min . . ."

I slammed the door with such force, the Goan across the way came to her window. What were the crazy foreigners up to now?

I could hear Neal's laughing voice. I moved back and covered my ears to make it go away. It still came through the door.

"What are you going to do alone here?" he asked.

"JUST GO AWAY."

"Will you come meet me in Bombay?"

"GO."

"Okay. I’m going. But I have to send for a taxi to take me to the bus station. Let leave my bags inside till I get a taxi."

"NO. I DON’T TRUST YOU. I’LL NEVER LET YOU BACK IN."

"It won't be fun here by yourself. I wait for you in Bombay. Do you have money?"

I ran to the back of the house to escape his voice. It was dark. I ran through the dining room and the kitchen and hid in the bathroom. I curled myself into a ball on the rug and pulled some of the clothes lying nearby over my hand.

I stayed like that a long time. When I grew bored, I sat up and listened. I couldn't hear anything that sounded like Neal slinking around the house. But there was a lot of noise. What was that tack? The surf. Waves slamming against the beach. Hey! I could feel the house shake from the force of them. I could hear the thwack of rain hitting the roof and outer Walls. Water streamed down the window. I could hear that too. It was the quiet of the house. . . The house was now silent—an empty, dead silence. The floor jolted from another Herculean wave. Now it was just me and the monsoon.

I rose and tiptoed to the living room. Nothing moved. I went to the front door and leaned my cheek against the wood. No sound of Neal. He was gone.

Good riddance. Who needed them? I was better off by myself. I was always better off by myself. Idiots. Fucking idiots. I climbed on the platform and made myself a fat line of coke. Fuck them both.

It was late afternoon when I heard Neal at the door.

"Go away,"

"I'm leaving," he shouted back. "I have a taxi waiting on the other side of the paddy. Want to come with me?"

"NO!"

"What will you do here alone without money?"

"Don't worry about me. Just go away."

"Well, I'm going to change money in Mapusa. I send some back to you with the Goan driver. He can take you to the bus station if you change your mind about staying here. I be at the Ritz Hotel in Bombay. Please come. I be waiting for you."

"I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN."

I moved farther into the house to get away from his words, but he said no more. Now he was really gone.

As the room darkened with the onset of night, I took stock of the situation. The loud monsoon noises made the house unbearably quiet. I was bored already. I checked the kerosene. Only one lamp had any left. Its weak slosh when I shook it told me it wouldn't last the night. I had dim flashlight tired batteries would also not survive till morning, was completely out of water, been no ice for weeks, but one Coca-Cola remained in the ice box. Not an encouraging picture. My drug situation looked beak too. I had two grams of smack, a few tolas of dope, and not an awful lot of coke. This would not do at all.

The longer I sat in the dim light from the one blackened lamp, the bleaker the future looked. Nope. This was not going to work. With my drugs on the verge of running out, as well as the light, I had no other conclusion to draw: I had to leave.

Slowly, the realization of my plight replaced my anger at the guys. I was alone in the house, with no one on the beach, no light, no water, no dope . . . Oh, shit! I had to go, and fast. No money!

Money! What was it Neal had said? He would send me money with a Goan. Would be?

I scurried off the platform and ran to look out the door. Nothing but wet darkness. Has he changed his mind about sending money? What had I answered when he'd said that? I couldn't remember. I hoped I hadn't talked him out of it. I had to go to Bombay, and I needed that money to get there. Oh, no. I really needed it.

I went back for more coke. A waspy insect flew around my head. Shit. This was a fine mess I'd gotten myself into. Fucking Serge. Did he really think I'd follow him to Iran? Was that where he meant when he said I knew where to find him? I had no idea. I missed him. How could he leave me? I loved him.

At the  brumm sound of a motorcycle, I overflowed with relief. Neal hadn't changed his mind!

I ran to the door. I recognized the Goan driver as one whom Neal always hired.

"Oh, hi. I was worried you wouldn't come."

"This is from Neal," he said, handing me a dripping envelope.

"I'm going to Bombay," I told him. "But I don't want to take that bus. Can you find a taxi to take me? How long would it take?"

"Taxi to Bombay? Twenty-six, twenty-seven hours with the rain."

"Okay. Tomorrow?"

He shook his head from side to side, the Indian sign for yes.

Much relieved, I went back inside. I'd have to economize with the kerosene. I didn’t want to be left without any light at all. I decided to go to sleep early. That would help conserve the coke too. I packed my bags and was ready for bed by the time the light went out. The flashlight would just about get me through the rest of the night if I was awakened by an unexplained noise and wanted to investigate.

Now what would I do in Bombay? I bad little money Left, I’d have to do a run for somebody, since I no longer had the capital to finance my own. There should be someone in Bombay who needed a runner. There always was. For sure I'd find something. I’d go West, make money, make myself healthy, maybe quit the dope. I'd show those guys. Who needed them any way? Jerks. I'd be better off alone. Didn't need anybody. Got myself around the world on my own. Didn't need anybody now either. The assholes!

By the time the taxi arrived in the early afternoon, I was more than ready to leave the house. Yes, the time had come to pull myself together. As I settled in for the ride, escaping the empty beach turned to hopeful anticipation of the future. I was heading West. I'd scrub the dirt off my skin, untangle the knots in my hair, and make money.

The long hours to the city brought another thought: I didn't have enough rupees to pay for the taxi all the way there! Damn! And I'd arrive too late for the bank. Shit! I'd have to see Neal after all. Just for one minute. I'd stop by his hotel, collect money for the cab, and leave. One minute, that was all. Where did he say he'd be? The Ritz? I hoped he'd found a room.

It wasn't raining nearly as hard in Bombay as it had been in Goa. Streets were flooded, but city life went on. I had the taxi stop in front of the Ritz and rushed in to see if Neal was registered. He was.

One minute. I'd only spend one minute with him.

He answered my knock with a grin. "Well, hi, cutie. I knew you'd show up soon. No fun in the monsoon by yourself, huh?"

"I need money to pay the taxi."

"You took a taxi from Goa?"

"Just give me the money and let me go."

"Don't go. Stay here. Where are you going, anyway?"

"To the Rex Hotel. I'm going to find a run and put my life in order."

"Yes? Well, that's nice. But don't go to the Rex. Stay here until you leave. It's cheaper than paying for your own room. Be good. I promise."

"I don't trust you. Come on. Give me two hundred rupees."

"I'll give you the money, but stay a while. Have a few lines before you go."

"No. I just want to go."

It took him so long to give me the rupees that my resolve broke. My coke had run out. I would have loved a snoot before setting off on my quest.

"Okay. I'll pay the driver and come up for a while. But only a little while."

I didn't bring my bags to his room but left them in the Lobby.

We sat around all day coking out and, as usual while in coke heaven, I eventually forgot I hated him. CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK.

"Oh, my shot!" I said suddenly. "And I didn't have one yesterday."

Since the time with Sasha, we'd been taking the vitamin B intravenously. It gave such a sweet rush, what a shame to waste it in a muscle. To spice it up even more, we'd been adding a pinch of coke. So, every other day we'd fixed one hit of coke mixed with vitamin B. Sometimes we did two days in a row of vitamin B.

Neal gave me the shot and then noted, "We should sterilize these needles. Why don't we ask room service for boiling water?"

Good idea, but the Indian waiter couldn't understand what we wanted. He came up with a cooking pot brimming with water.

"It's cold," I said, dipping in a finger. "I want the water hot. For cleaning."

When Neal showed him the works and the vitamin B ampoules, the Indian seemed to get the picture. He smiled and nodded and motioned for Neal to deposit the works in the pot.

"Acha. Boil," he said. "I boil."

He put the lid on the pot and left for the kitchen.

Did he really understand? we wondered.

A while later, the waiter returned with the pot and lifted the cover to reveal steam wafting from our floating works. Amazing! Bombay must he the only city in the world where one can send a syringe to be sterilized by room service.

We laughed heartily. Inevitably, Neal convinced me to stay in his room.

*

It turned out Bombay still had scores of Goa Freaks. The Italians were at the Nataraj Hotel, the Birmingham Boys at the Sea View, Mental at Bentley's, Kadir at the Rex; nobody had seen Serge. Though everyone had left Goa with the good intentions of a speedy departure from India, many had succumbed to Bombay Syndrome. The continuous party went from one hotel room to another, into the Opium dens, the Ambassador Hotel restaurant, the Colaba movie house.

One afternoon, something strange happened as Neal and I taxied to Bompti Road to score coke. I watched him lean over to speak to the driver, and a warm feeling washed over me.

Could it be?

I stretched out a hand to touch his back. He turned to me, surprised.

"You're not going to believe this," I said. "I don't believe this."

"What?"

I studied his face. "My goodness."

"What? What is it?" he asked.

"I can't understand."

"What?"

"I think I love you again."

He shook his bangs and smiled. "Oh."

I touched his hair. "Does this mean I always loved you?"

"I knew that." He giggled.

I wrapped an arm around his neck. "Was Serge right, then? I don't understand anything."

The rest of that day, plus the two following clays, were wonderful. Neel and I were together again. When he went out, I couldn't wait for him to return. I jumped on his skinny body every chance I had.

One day, walking hand in hand past a traffic circle called the Fountain, we suddenly remembered our old scam.

"AUNT SATHE!" I wailed. "We never found out what happened to Aunt Sathe!"

We rushed down the block to American Express to check for mail. We found a telegram from Aunt Sathe. A very distressed telegram. It had been lying there a long time. "Oh, shit."

"What does she say?"

"It's from Bermuda. She doesn't know what's going on. Lila didn't show up at the airport. She's going nuts thinking something happened to me. Oh, no. Didn't we send a telegram to Bermuda?"

"Didn't we? I don't remember. We should have."

"Oh, poor Aunt Sathe. I feel terrible."

"We sent one to Wilkes-Barre. I remember that."

"She wasn't sure who was coming, me or Lila. She must have thought I'd been arrested."

"I wonder what happened to Lila, then. Do you think she ran away with our suitcases?"

"What a mess. I have to write Aunt Sathe right away. What do I tell her?"

He put his arm around my shoulder to comfort me, and we kissed in the lobby of American Express. Then we returned to the hotel to kiss, snort, and shoot our vitamin B cocktail.

The next day we fought.

How had happened? We were finally alone together and in love—we shouldn't have been fighting. Why was he doing little things to make me angry? With no Eve, no baby, and no paddy field to trudge across, he now found other ways to provoke me. And when he'd have me furious, with a great gulf between us, he would, as usual, seem satisfied.

He giggled and pulled at his beard. CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK.

This time there was no making up. The passing hours only made things worse. Inevitably, when I'd soften, he'd manage to say something to renew my wrath.

It was not going to work. It was not possible.

By midnight I couldn't stand it anymore.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Away. I can't bear this another minute."

"Don't go. I'll be good. I promise. I won't say another word, okay?"

But I knew him better than that. I left.

I went to Bentley's Hotel.

"Tee hee, you're crying," commented Mental when he opened the door.

I told him my sad tale and slept a bit in his armchair. Staying at the scruffy Bentley signified hard times. Mental's finances had been dwindling in Bombay as he attempted to organize a trip to buy smack in Thailand and sell it in the West.

"Smack's safer to carry than hash, tee hee," he told me the next afternoon. "Powder is smaller in quantity and lighter. You make more money. If you're looking for a run, look for someone with powder. Try the Birmingham Boys."

"The Birmingham Boys! No, gross! They drink alcohol. About carrying heroin . . . I don't know. You think I could do that?"

"The Birminghams aren't into booze anymore. Now they're doing smack. They're nicer than before. Really, tee hee, the Birmingham Boys are mellowing."

The phone rang.

"Hi there cutie," said Neal when I answered it. "You weren't easy to track down." I didn't respond. "CleeeeeeeeOOOOO?"

"What do you want?" I asked coldly.

"Are you coming back?"

"Never."

"Don't be like that." He giggled. I didn't answer. "Then meet me somewhere. We can work this out."

"It’s over."

"No, it's not. Come meet me. We have to talk." But I knew that's not what would happen if we met. Knowing he couldn't see them, I let two tears run down my face. "I love you," he continued despite my silence. "I want to be with you. If I can't have you, though, I'll go back to Eve and the baby and devote myself to them."

My tears immediately dried up. I hung up on him.

Within moments the phone rang again. I answered it: "I don't want to speak to you."

He laughed over the phone. "You don't like my mentioning Eve. I don't love her. It's you I want to be with. But they need—a baby needs me. I love the baby. It's the only child I've ever had, probably will ever have. I'm her father, and maybe at least I can do that right. I'll Stop the dope and clean up. If I can't have you, go back to them. It's your choice."

I hung up.

I was miserable yet at the same time relieved. Fuck them both—Neal and Serge. I was better off without them. I'd have a great monsoon on my own. Maybe I would do a heroin trip. Make a packet of money. I'd show them all.

"Sure, love," said Birmingham Bobby when I bravely knocked on his door and asked for a job. "We can always use another runner." Gold jewellery circled his neck, wrists, and fingers. He wore a gold Rolex watch and lit my business-deal-sealing bhong with a gold Dupont lighter. Not a drop of liquor could he seen anywhere. While far from being a Freak, this Birmingham Boy did indeed seem to have mellowed.

Associating with the Birmingham was not my idea of success, but at least I was taking a positive step toward something and, most important, removing myself from Neal. The thought of transporting powder worried me less than the thought of returning to him.

Later, while Neal ate ice cream at Dipti's, I put my bags out of his room at the Ritz and into the Sea View Hotel with the Birmingham Boys—two Birmingham Boys, Birmingham Timmy and Birmingham Bobby and their two English girlfriends. I stayed in Bobby's room.

"Over there, love," said Bobby. "Park your body in the bed by the window. Me and my bird sleep in this one."

Being with the Boys, I shared their stash and joined in their visiting; and the dope and coke flowed nonstop from all directions. If the flow slowed, we visited someone else. Crowds came to our room, too.

"Here, mate," Timmy would say, opening his gold cigarette case and offering hash joints to his guests. "You won't get better shit than this from nobody."

But, of course, what had happened to everyone else had also happened to Timmy and Bobby—in the bustle of Bombay they had forgotten about business.

When two weeks went by, I started to have doubts about the scam. I heard no mention of plans. No business conferences. No tickets or reservations. The Boys played poker, socialized, and got high. Period. Yup, it was the old Bombay Syndrome. When another week went by, I doubted anything would ever go down.

Sometimes I met with Neal on neutral territory, such as the hotel rooms of Mental or Giuliano, one of the Italians at the Nataraj. I still loved Neal but refused to return to the torture of being with him.

"When are you sending for Eve and the baby?" I asked him once in Giuliano's room, where we were the only two speaking English.

"I'm waiting to hear from my connection in California," Neal answered. CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK. "I have to do business before I do anything else. And I'm quitting the dope. Maybe I'll stop next month."

Neal hated the idea of my running for someone, especially the Birmingham Boys. "I wish I could fund you in your own scam," he said, "but I have money troubles myself at the moment." He giggled and our eyes met. I wanted to touch his purple satin leg. I wanted to wrap my arms around his neck, but I didn't. "Are you sure those Birmingham characters are okay?" he asked.

I nodded yes, lying. I didn't tell Neal the truth because I was afraid he'd convince me to move back with him. No, I no longer felt the Birmingham Boys were okay. Along with their Bombay Syndrome, they were developing Coke Amuck.

Since the time I’d moved in with the Boys, I'd be taking my up-and-coming business venture seriously, but they hadn't. After the Taj salon had creme-rinsed the knots out of my hair and I'd washed off the Goan red dirt, I'd been sleeping every day and keeping reasonably sane. I realized that coke-bingeing for long periods without sleep caused hallucinations and paranoia. While I'd geared my brain for the scam at hand, though, the Birmingham Boys strove only for pleasure. They seemed to have erased the financial endeavour from their memories; but worse than that, as weeks went by, they seemed to have also forgotten my role in their fives. They looked at me as if wondering what I was doing in their rooms and why they were keeping me in food and drugs. A thorn in their side—not a rosy situation for me.

Then one day, Birmingham Bobby scored an ounce of smack and was so coked-out he had trouble weighing it. He and Birmingham Timmy must have weighed the bag six times, and they came up with a different measure all the time. They eventually decided that half of it was missing and that Bobby's girlfriend and I had stolen it.

Oh, dear. One should never be suspected of ripping off a Birmingham Boy. Especially not a Coke Amuck Birmingham Boy.

Finally, after weighing it a few more times, they decided they'd been mistaken—none had been stolen after all.

I was not reassured. By this time, my good sense told me that the scene with the Birmingham Boys had soured beyond hope. If I were to do a heroin run, I wanted to be certain there'd be no stupid problems somewhere. Heroin could land you in jail for a long time. The Boys seemed so wired that even if they put the scam in motion right away, I no longer had faith in them.

I made a decision. I had to escape the Birmingham Boys—but without going back to Neal. Where could I go? Giuliano had mentioned he needed a runner for his powder trip. Maybe I could work for him.

Coke Amuck had everyone watching everyone else suspiciously. Even the Boys side-stepped around each other.

I waited till everyone was away from the hotel, then dragged my suitcase across the corridor and plopped it down the stairs one step at a time. BUMP, BUMP, BUMP. What a racket. I didn't want to take the elevator for fear of running into a Boy. Meanwhile, heads popped out of doors at every launcher I clattered passed. In the lobby I concealed the suitcase behind a potted philodendron while I went to hail a cab. When I ran back to get the case, the doorman looked askance at me as I accidentally broke a leaf from a plant, maybe I had a touch of Coke Amuck myself? I leapt into the cab and hid on the floor.

"Nataraj Hotel," I told the driver, who twisted back to peer down at me. "Go. Go." I shook my hands feverishly at him. "Go!"

Fortunately, Giuliano still needed someone, and he welcomed me to the spare bed in his double room. Whew! Safe from the Birmingham Boys and from Neal.

Giuliano was in the process of reconstructing a suitcase. His plan entailed building the secret compartment to hold the smack, then going to Thailand together to buy dope. Hiding the dope in the suitcase would be a simple procedure, after which we'd fly to Europe. Meanwhile, the case sat on a chair in the centre of the bathroom, occupying the entire space. Giuliano kept it there so it wouldn't be spotted by the room-service waiters whom he called constantly to the room. Tubes of glue formed stacks of the toilet seat, lining material draped the bathtub, and tools lay scattered on the sink and floor. Using the toilet required acrobatic feats, and baths had to be taken in another room.

When friends came to the door in the continuous stream typical of Bombay, Giuliano gave them a tour of the bathroom so they could admire his craftsmanship.

"Shambo, man, how're you doing?" said Kadir when Giuliano opened to his knock.

"Ciao, Kadir. Have you seen my suitcase yet? Come this way, I will show you."

"Mm, very nice."

"Thank you."

When Kadir heard I was headed west, he suggested I take some of his silver jewellery to sell for him. I would receive a percentage of the profit. I agreed, and he returned later with five pounds of silver and ivory trinkets.

Giuliano worked on the suitcase every day. During periods of glue drying, we partied. Though I made an effort to sleep every now and then, this activity didn't interest Giuliano in the least. The flow of visitors continued nonstop, twenty-four hours a day. When I felt I should no longer stay awake, I'd swallow my magic dose of Valium and Mandrax and come into bed. Needless to say, the bright lights never ceased glaring down at him, and no fewer than two people sat on the edge of my bed at all times, In spite of everything, I somehow managed to snooze a few hours a day.

"Morning, cutie," said Neal one evening as I awake from ti Tour-hour nap. CLICK, CLICK, SCRAPE, SQUEAK, SQUEAK. I le headed me the glass block. "Here's breakfast. Are you taking your vitamins?"

"Yeah, but in tablets," I answered. "Can't go through airports with needles and a syringe. I'm gaining weight. Look at this arm. It doesn't look like it came from Biafra anymore. Must be the Peach Melba from room service. How are you?"

Neal shook his hangs in the manner I found adorable. "Dandy," he said, "but I'd be happier with you."

I knew I wouldn't be happier with him.

After another week in Bombay, Giuliano actually did buy tickets to Thailand. Hallelujah! I'd begun to doubt any of us would get out of India that year. Giuliano and I were more-or-less clean, and after I took the nose pin out of my nose, we left together and sat together on the plane. How exhilarating to land in Bangkok. I was actually doing something! And I'd broken away from Neal!

I missed him terribly.

Upon our arrival, Giuliano and I split and went to different hotels. It would be better if we weren't connected. The Malaysia Hotel was definitely out—too hot to do business from that place. Nevertheless, Bangkok was so full of Freaks that it soon became another party scene.

Thailand at that moment had political problems and was under martial law. Anyone found on the streets between midnight and 6 A.M. would be shot. At first I thought it would dampen the nightlife. But instead of everyone going home early, we stayed out all night. A Goa Freak rented an apartment, and it was packed with friends during curfew. Martial law's taboo time was electric. In the hour before midnight, we'd scramble to dress, leave, then dash back to the hotel room at the last second for a forgotten object. In the apartment we'd bump, shuffle, and bop while occasionally peering through the curtain at the deserted street and the patrolling soldiers. Hey, martial law was fun!

"Who has the mirror?" someone would ask.

"Over here. What's the soldier doing now?"

"Standing in the same spot. Picking his nose."

"Close the window! You're letting out the air conditioning."

In the afternoon, I'd visit Giuliano. Time was passing, and again I seemed to be stuck. No longer doing coke, Giuliano now spent his days smacked-out and nodding off. He worried me. One had to be careful in Thailand. This was not India. Thais were strict about drugs. Serious penalties existed. Thailand was one of those countries where, if they arrested you, you disappeared. They were especially concerned with smack trafficking. If you were caught with any quantity, you were executed within five days. No embassy could help. There was no time to write a Senator.

However, by following basic guidelines, it was relatively easy to avoid hassle. You had to act like a tourist. Simple. Carry a camera. Dive in the Pool once a day. No problem. Then there were situations to be staunchly avoided. Most important: DO NOT HANG OUT ALONE IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT. Only junkies did that. It was common knowledge that Thai hotel employees received bonuses for reporting drug suspects. Loose tobacco in an ashtray, a cigarette filter lying around, or, worst of all, a piece of cotton or a bent room-service spoon—forget it. Next thing, you knew, there'd be a knock on the door. These little things could be watched out for, though. All it took was a quick inspection of the room before leaving and the barest awareness of appearances.

But Giuliano was not concerned with precautions. He never left his room. Every time I went there it seemed I'd just woken him up. Often, he ordered room service and let the waiter into a room that was so dark, the waiter could hardly find a table on which to set the tray. In the middle of the afternoon! And Giuliano never went to the pool. With his skin so pale, he looked albino next to everybody's tans. He was skinny. He looked like a junky. No question. Someone seeing him for the first time would never mistake him for a tourist.

I, meanwhile, had gamed enough weight to look like a normal person. My period even returned. I must have been too debilitated in Goa to menstruate. I also had enough sense to realize that the arrangement with Giuliano was another bad one. Oh, no—would I have to make another getaway?

Yes. Heroin—I'd decided to carry heroin! I could not do that with a nut case. Better to be adrift penniless in Bangkok than in jail. To continue to associate with Giuliano was suicide. I had to disengage from him too.

I wondered how these nutty people succeeded in the Goa life when theyseemed disarrayed. Though periodically scatter beamed, they reunited from the monsoon to five like fat cats. How did they manage it? I didn't ponder the question too deeply. I accepted the paradox as validating the superiority of our chosen path. That's what I cherished most about the Goa Freaks—their abstract extremism. We were interesting, tolerant, exotic, and lucky. We were the Goa Freaks.

But I knew I had to be careful and not be too wacky. I'd allowed myself to go Coke Amuck in the monsoon with Neal and Serge. Now I had to consolidate my wits to protect my future. I had to take care of myself and watch my step.

I moved to another hotel, a cheap guest house, and sent Giuliano a message that I was out of his scam.

My third escape of the season: first from Neal, then the Birmingham Boys, and now Giuliano. Terrific—a free person, but bankrupt in Bangkok. What would I do for food?

Could I sell Kadir's silver?

I took to the streets with it. Alas, Thailand had its own hill-tribe handicrafts, and nobody cared much for my wares. One sidewalk vendor bought two rings. Another made a lengthy examination of every item before deciding he wasn't interested. When I returned to the guest house, I discovered three earrings and an ivory Ganesh had been stolen.

Free but hungry, I worried for another week.

Then I met Canadian Mitchell, a Goa Freak I hadn't known before. I had recently arrived in Thailand and shared a room with, surprise, Giuliano. He too was planning a smack run and said Giuliano was helping him build his suitcase.

"You're staying with Giuliano!" I exclaimed. "You'd better watch out. He's not sane these days."

"I know. As soon as he finishes the case, I'm out of there."

Mitchell needed a runner to take the case to Canada. He said he'd give me ten thousand dollars. Great—I had a job again!

Another surprise—Mitchell was ready to go within days. We met at the airport to exchange luggage and were soon airborne. Since the world recognized Thailand as a drug depot, we figured it would be safer not to fly west from there. We went to Sri Lanka.

Sri Lanka Immigration. Similar to India's but worse. Total chaos. The mass of arriving passengers bunched around two Immigration officers, with no organization whatsoever. I had to push through the heaving crowd to show the Immigration officer my luggage and then accompany him back to his desk so he could stamp my passport. Mitchell and I had flown together and sat side by side during the flight, but once we landed we pretended we'd never seen each other before. I almost had a problem when the Immigration officer wanted to see money. You had to declare a certain amount before being allowed to enter the country. I had zero rupees and zero dollars. Somehow, I managed to signal Mitchell as I pushed my way through sweaty bodies (no air conditioning, of course). He slipped me a wad of hundred-dollar bills, and the officer smiled through this gold teeth as he stamped me in.

We stayed at the Sheraton while we planned our next move—entering Canada.

"Out-of-the-way airlines have nifty flights," I said. "They stop over in tiny countries you've never heard of. They're also the cheapest."

"Well, let's look at this map and see where we're going," said Mitchell.

"I'd like to stop somewhere, anyway. It doesn't cost more, and the country's stamp will look good on my passport, make me seem like a tourist—especially some little country that's never heard of drugs."

"First we should find out which airlines go through Sri Lanka. There aren't many."

"Oops, I hadn't thought of that. Aw, probably only Air Ceylon, and that's it."

"I saw an Aeroflot office on our way in."

"AEROFLOT!" I shrieked. "The Russian airline. I want to go through Russia! That's it! That's it! That's the one! Perfect! I've been dying to see Moscow. I can't wait."

"Don't get exited yet. We have to see how the flights go."

"No, no, it's perfect. For sure flights leave Moscow for everywhere. And coming from Russia, the last thing the Canadians will look for is dope. A Communist maybe, but dope—never! Oh, how wonderful!" I jumped on the bed and started hopping up and down. I jumped to the next bed and then to a stuffed chair and back to the bed.

"Quit it, will you?" said Mitchell. "You're messing up my bed. Jump on your bed, why don't you."

I sang, "I'm going to Russia wu wu Russia . . . "

"Cool it. We have to check it out first."

It checked out fine. Not only was it the cheapest flight, smuggler wise it was the best strategy. Who would check me for drugs disembarking from Moscow? As I'd anticipated, the route to Canada called for a two-day stop over in Moscow. Yowee, I was going to Russia.

We didn't stay long in Sri Lanka. Mitchell still had most of his marbles, and he realized that every day on the road meant more of our import business was inhaled. Between me and Mitchell, we consumed over two grams of dope a day.

Soon, I was once again dressed in the boring-beige outfit, with my hair teased two Inches above my head, a dumb bag over my wrist, silk stockings, pearl earrings—yeck! Somehow, though, that look brought approving nods from ticket clerks, pilots, stewardesses. Those people had no taste. I had no problem anywhere. The nice Russian Customs man gave me no trouble. Oh, boy—Russia! Aeroflot lodged me at the Intourist Hotel in the centre of Moscow. I arrived late at night and couldn't wait for morning to go exploring. I had to keep my hair in the bird's nest, so I slept carefully. As soon as I awoke and had a snoot, I left the hotel.

But Moscow was no fun (was it because of my hair?). I found it tense and frustrating. Accustomed to being fawned over as a foreigner, I was unnerved that everybody was dose to rude. Gee, I only asked for help with minor things! Where can I buy postcards? How many stamps do I need? Which way to the Red Square? Everyone I beseeched for this secret information seemed harried, irritated, and impatient. They seemed to be hurrying with important things to do. I'd heard about a famous department store and headed for it with a pocketful of rubles. It was big and impressive, but what impressed me most about it were the lines. To buy anything, one faced a line of twenty or thirty people. Nobody spoke to me anywhere, and I didn't see anything vaguely resembling a Freak or a hippie. Russia was a bore. Not disappointed to leave for the airport, I disposed of my rubles in a tourist shop.

I had no problem entering Toronto. As usual I received a pass-through card and, POOM, I was stamped into Canada. A successful drug smuggler once again. Now a heroin smuggler—oh, how exciting!

I found Mitchell waiting outside the doors of the baggage area. I stayed overnight in his hotel room, and the next day we went to Iris connection, known in Toronto as the Jewish Connection. Jewish Connection was living in his parents' high-rise while they were away somewhere. He told me I'd receive my money in a few days, as soon as enough dope had been sold. Before Mitchell dropped me off at a hotel near Young Street, he presented me with a stash.

I had a colour TV and ten dollars worth of American candy, plus a soda machine and an ice machine down the corridor. What more could anyone want? I popped a peanut-butter cup in my mouth and turned on "The Addams Family."

When I didn't hear from anyone by the next night, I called Jewish Connection.

"Mitchell's out of the city," he said, "and I don't have money for you yet. I'll let you know when I do."

I didn't want to be a pest, so I decided to wait as long as I could before calling again. Two days later I ran out of dope. I had to call. The phone rang and rang. No answer! After a few hours of trying every fifteen minutes or so, I panicked. I was out of stash! Oh, no! Help! I drove the hotel operator bananas calling over and over. By the time Jewish Connection answered the phone, very late that night, I was sweating and freezing.

"I don't have your money yet," he said.

"That' what I'm calling about. I’m sick."

He sighed and there was a pause. "Okay. Come by in the morning."

"I can't wait that long!"

He grunted. "Okay. Come now."

The taxi took forty minutes to reach the out-of-the-way apartment—long enough for me to worry about the situation. Where had Mitchell gone? Was he going to disappear on me? What if no one answered the door when I got there?

Jewish Connection did answer the door. I almost fell into the room in relief. After a few snorts, I asked about Mitchell.

"He left the country."

"Oh . . . When can I get my money?"

Jewish Connection's voice dripped with impatience. "As soon as I get it. I told you I'd let you know."

"I can't wait here forever. I'm going to be sick again."

"Here, take this packet, but that's it," he said, herding me toward the door. "I can't support your habit. I call you, okay?"

I waited another few days, until the last speck of powder ran out, and then, an anxious wreck, I called again. Canada was no longer tutti-frutti.

"Tomorrow afternoon," Jewish Connection said, his words slow and precise and bursting with annoyance.

"I can't wait that long."

"Tomorrow afternoon, take it or leave it."

"Alright."

I considered calling Esther in Montreal but discovered I didn't have my address book. By the time I was en route to the apartment, my legs were killing me. I alternated between sweating to the point of dehydration and shivering with goose bumps. I didn't like it one bit. I worried again whether anyone would be there when I arrived. I wanted to shoot Mitchell.

Jewish Connection answered the door. "I have some money for you, but I'm not giving you any more dope."

"Please, I'm DYING! Look at there goose bumps."

He made a face but went into the other room. He came out with a little supply. "But this is IT." He gave me five thousand dollars. "You'll have to wait for the rest," he said. I was overjoyed to receive that much. I'd started to doubt I'd ever get anything. "I'll call YOU when I have more," he added.

My spirits soared. I was no longer sick. And I had money!

First, I wanted to tell my friends everything had worked out. Actually, I should now help those who'd not been so fortunate that monsoon—that was the Goa Freak way. As soon as I returned to the hotel, I sent two telegrams—one to Neal and one to Mental, both in care of Dipti's in Bombay. Both telegrams said the same thing, if they still needed money to put a trip together, I could send two thousand dollars. I included the phone number of the hotel.

Then I went shopping. I bought clothes and took a stroll down Young Street. Nightspots lined the sidewalk. Perhaps I'd go out later and mingle with the natives. I also needed a way to score dope. How ridiculous. I'd had a pound of it only clays before.

On a corner I found a headshop. Goa Freaks loved gadgets, and at the start of each season they fussed over the latest inventions brought from the West. Odd smoking hardware made great gifts. The colourful bhongs in the headshop window caught my eye. In India the Freaks used bamboo bhongs to smoke smack; here I beheld plastic ones in creative designs. Apparently bhongs were coming into style in the West for smoking marijuana.

I left the store loaded with packages. Wait till the Anjuna gang saw my red ceramic Buddha bhong! The bowl sprouted from the Buddha's fat belly.

Later that night I went to the Gaslight, one of the clubs I'd passed that afternoon. I recognized the regulars right away. Instead of sitting attables, they hang out in the hack. Those were the people I had to meet. Nobody would know where I could find a dealer.

Oh, look at that blonde. Exquisite! His face was perfect. What a nose.

I positioned myself among the regulars, leaning against the back benches the way they did. I spoke to a Person or two, not Perfect Blonde, though. He was so perfect I could only watch him from afar and let my eyes honour the form of his pale yellow No one picked up on my gentle questions about drugs. After a few hours I suspected I was in the wrong kind of club.

When I accidentally found myself next to Perfect Blonde, I felt so overwhelmed it took me ten minutes to smile at him. He barely acknowledged me. A while later I tried again. "Um. Excuse me," I said. He didn't turn around. I tugged at his suspenders. "Yoo hoo." Ugh, that wasn't what I'd wanted to say. He half turned in my direction. I stepped closer to him. "Um. Do you know where I can score, by any chance?" That wasn't what I'd wanted to say either.

He faced the dance floor. For a moment I thought he'd ignore me, but finally he said, "Maybe. I might know someone who could sell you a lid."

"Ah . . . no, not marijuana. I'd like to buy smack."

"That stuff? No." Still looking away from me, he shook his head. "Nothing like that."

Uh! I felt his disapproval. Anyone who looked as healthy as he did could only disapprove. Stupid me. Why had I mentioned it? He gazed at the dancing forms with a crinkled mouth. Now he hated me. We spoke no more during the next two minutes, and then he moved off without a farewell.

All was not lost, however; I did manage to find a dealer at the club. The dealer didn't hang out at the rear but sat at a table. He too was blonde and nice-looking, but we united on business terms only. He didn't have anything on him, and we made an appointment for the following afternoon in the same place. Terrific. Just terrific. I returned to the hotel satisfied with the night's accomplishments.

The next morning I received a collect call from Bombay.

"Hello? Tee hee."

"Mental? Mental! How's it going?"

"I just got your telegram. Tee hee, thanks."

"No problem. Everything line there?"

"Well, tee hee, you know there's trouble with Giuliano, don't you?"

"Giuliano! No. What kind of trouble?"

"You don't know? He's after you. He's angry."

"At me? I don't understand. What happened?"

"I can't explain now. I tell you when I see you. He hasn't caused you trouble there? That's good, tee hee."

"What? Mental, what's going on?"

"I'll tell you later. Just be careful. Tee hee, you gonna send me the money?"

We made arrangements for two thousand dollars to be sent to Thomas Cook's. When I hung up the phone I was uneasy. Why would Giuliano be after me? Why was he angry?

Caution got the better of me and, after I cabled the money, I checked out of the hotel and into another one using a different name. Since I was now in America, I didn't have to show my passport to register, and since I was paying cash in advance, I didn't need identification. What kind of trouble could Giuliano cause?

When I went to the Gaslight Club to meet Dealer, it was still daylight. My eyes had trouble adjusting to the dark interior of the club, and I banged my hip against the corner of an unplugged cigarette machine. When I finally got my night vision going, I saw chairs hanging upside down from tables. A vacuum cleaner sat in the centre of an aisle, and there was no one in sight. Oh, no. Was this how we were supposed to meet? It didn't seem a subtle way to make a drug transaction.

With no place to sit, I stood by the door. I half expected to be thrown out as soon as someone saw me. But there was no one. No Dealer, either.

Even after he was a half hour late, I hated to give up and leave. He'd been the only contact I'd made and I'd soon be out of dope again. I continued to wait. When Dealer came through the curtained opening from the street, he walked right into me, treading on my feet.

"Oo. Hey, is that you?" he asked. "I'm sorry. I couldn't see. Are you okay?" I was okay—and very relieved. "Here, let's sit," he said, pulling a chair off a table and setting it on the floor.

He didn't have anything on him, but we talked a bit, and I toll him who I was and what brought me to Canada. Then we walked to his nearby apartment, and he turned Inc on to his personal-use dope. He said he wouldn't have a gram to sell me until that night. Feeling expansive I also asked for a gram of coke. Why not? I was a successful drug smuggler, wasn't I? Might as well give it up. The prices were exorbitant. Well, just this one buy of coke. We arranged to meet later at the club.

Perfect Blonde didn't come near me that night—didn't even look my way. But I wasn't interested in the club people anyway. I spent the hours watching the door for Dealer. He hadn't given me a time. He'd just said "tonight." As it got later, the club filled, and I had to keep moving out of people's way. Where was Dealer?

When he finally arrived, again he had nothing on him, and I had to go with him to score the smack. This was getting to be a pain.

It cost five hundred dollars for one gram of smack; in Goa it cost fifty. Outrageous! By the time I had the powder in hand, I was exhausted from the effort of acquiring it. The coke wasn't available yet.

By the next afternoon I'd sniffed away the whole weak gram. This was a drag. I was also still concerned about what Mental had said. Just speaking to Mental on the phone wasn't cool either. Maybe someone had been listening at one end or the other. Had my cab from the other hotel been followed? Meanwhile, if Neal tried to call me, he'd be told checked out. Oh, well. Maybe not hearing from Neal right away meant he'd left Bombay. Anyway, with my costly expenses, it didn't look as if I'd have money left to send him.

Extra cautious, I checked out of that hotel too and into one a few blocks from the Gasfight Club. Yet again I invented a new name for myself. I called Jewish Connection to let him know the new phone number. He had no news for me. He would call me.

I went to Dealer's apartment early to score more dope. Eek, this was costing a fortune, and it took more hours of running around to finally get it.

"You're wasting so much by snorting it," Dealer advised me. "It would last you longer if you shot it."

The only times I'd fixed anything was the vitamin B shot with Sasha and the vitamin B and cocaine shots with Neal. I didn't like the idea of doing it here. Somehow, being in the East had made those occasions less junky-like. Everything there was exotic and special.

I made a face at Dealer's suggestion. "Yeah, well . . . In any case, I only have one vein." The more I considered it, though, the better it sounded, really lasts, longer? It would make it stronger? Well, okay. Why not. Canyou do it for me?" It WAS exciting. "Did you hit the vein?" I yipped nervously as the needle pricked my arm. "Are you in?"

But I didn't feel anything. What a disappointment.

"I guess I didn't give you enough," said Dealer. "Next time I'll use more dope."

The coke he wouldn't have till later that night.

Again, I spent the time at the club watching the door for Dealer's appearance. None of the people who spoke to me interested me in the least. I just wanted my drugs. God, did I hate waiting! When Dealer did arrive, it was only to tell me he hadn't gotten the coke yet.

"I can't stand waiting here any longer," I told him, frustrated. "I could bring it to your hotel," he proposed.

"Well . . . okay." Discouraged, I despaired he'd ever come through with the goodies.

Surprise! Not long after I arrived in the room, he delivered. He also brought a few friends. And had invited more. Pretty soon I had a party. I recognized people from the club.

Hey, this was great! Others also had stashes, and a cosy gay-together developed with dozens of people crowding in. Wow, I felt like part of the Toronto scene. Especially with the expensive hotel room—my guests treated me like a V.I.P.

And then, big surprise! Perfect Blonde turned up. I could tell he was impressed, too. He didn't do any smack, and I could sense he was against it, but he had a hit of coke and positioned himself next to me on the bed. I made sure he kept near me, and he didn't seem to mind. I inched closer to him. After a while our shoulders touched. His arm had such a nice slope. Those light blonde hairs! I smiled at him.

By morning, people started to leave. Perfect Blonde stayed. He was still there when everyone had left. Then, with sunlight streaming on the bedspread, we made love without taking off our shoes. OOOO, Perfect Blonde! After all that time he'd ignored me! Ooo, OOO, Perfect Blonde.

Over room-service scrambled eggs, we discussed the expense of hotel living. "I five outside Toronto on a farm," he told me. "A bunch of us share a house."

"I always wanted to five on a farm."

"You can come visit, if you want. Or you can stay there. That way you won't have to spend money for a hotel."

Stay there? Had Perfect Blonde invited me to five with him? I couldn't believe it. "I can stay with you? Really? That would be fantastic."

Perfect Blonde didn't work, and I wasn't sure what he did for money. When he asked to borrow fifty dollars, I thought he wouldn't have trouble living off women who'd be thrilled to support him. On our way out, I stopped! at the hotel's safety deposit box and gave him the fifty.

"I'll pay you back in a day or two," he said. "I hate to borrow."

I didn't mind. I doubted I'd get it back, but he was worth it. And I was going to five on his farm for free, wasn't I?

We arranged to meet that night at the club. Meanwhile I needed to purchase more dope. It was a good thing to be moving out of the hotel. Between that and the dope, I'd soon be broke.

I spent the afternoon on Dealer's doorstep, waiting for him. Ho hum, humdrum, growl, growl, growl. Using drugs in the West was definitely annoying. When Dealer finally showed up I asked him to fix me again.

"How soon should I feel something?" I inquired when it was over.

"You still didn't feel anything? I gave you a lot that time. You have a habit, lady."

I sighed. "Oh, well, I guess if it just prevents me from getting sick, it'll have to do till I return East."

I left to meet my new love, Perfect Blonde. Would he be there? Had he really meant I could stay on his farm?

Yes. Perfect Blonde entered the club after 1 a.m. He helloed his way through the crowd, found me, and asked, "All set?"

He had a beautiful red Sports car. What a match with his blonde pair. After collecting my luggage it took two hours to drive to the farm. Farm? It looked like a regular-sized house to me. No one was awake when we arrived. Perfect Blonde carried my suitcase and led me, whispering, through a hallway and up some stairs. The second-floor landing was small and narrow and confirmed my impression of "just a house." He opened a door and led me to a tiny room barely wide enough for the mattress on the Floor, which was all it had.

We slept most of the next day and awoke in time for dinner. In the living room, I met five others who lived there. More people came and went, and I was never certain who lived there, who was visiting, or who was with whom.

I didn't know how I was supposed to fit in. A few of them cooked the meals together. Was I supposed to help? Meals weren't my thing. I decided to act like a guest. They were polite and friendly.

Uh-oh. I spotted a round red thing being chopped. Egads—a tomato. Of course. I should have realized they'd eat vegetables on a farm. Oh, well—it might be better this way; if I couldn’t eat the food, no one would. I expect me to cook it or wash up after it.

We sat around a wooden fable in the kitchen, and everyone thought it an oddity that I didn't eat vegetables. I had a slice of pumpernickel bread, and someone found me salami. It was  trés countryish. At the end of the meal they took out a bhong—used exclusively for marijuana—and discussed, at length, the quality of Panama Red and Acapulco Gold. I groaned inwardly as they recounted a groovy high they'd experience once on grass brought from Tijuana. Oh, please!

Now I had a different problem. I had to return to the city to score dope. I hoped Perfect Blonde didn't plan on staying at the farm for days. It was an okay place to sleep, but I didn't want to spend all my time there.

"We can go into town if you want," he said. "Or we can hang out here."

"I'd like to go in. I have to see someone."

I told him about needing smack.

"Are you addicted?" he asked.

"In India it's practically legal. You should see—opium dens on every corner. Here there's only garbage dope."

I told him my vocation.

"PROFESSIONAL DRUG SMUGGLER?" he exclaimed. "Aren’t you afraid of being arrested? That's a serious crime."

"IT SHOULDN’T BE A CRIME!" I shouted emotionally. Perfect Blonde's remark unleashed a tirade, spurred by feelings I'd been holding in. I hated how it felt to be a smack user in the West, very different from in the East. "Drugs shouldn't be against the law! Look at this arm," I wailed, "it's full of holes! That's what happens when you make it illegal! It becomes impossibly expensive! That's why people rob and mug. Only the Mafia benefits from those stupid laws. Those laws make gangsters rich! And gangsters don't care what they cut their product with! The result is garbage dope that people commit burglaries to afford and gives their arms full of needle holes! Now, that's the crime!"

I believed drug laws were evil—evil structures that made evil people rich and condemned innocent users and independent entrepreneurs like myself to the status of law-breakers.

When we drove to town, I left Perfect Blonde at the club while I went to Dealer's. We returned to the farm at the completion of my errand.

It soon became apparent that farm life wasn't for me. Talking to the residents didn't please me in the least. Not my types. And what was there to (10 on a farm? It wasn't a real farm, anyway. No crops, no animals. What kind of farm was that? Ugh, and I didn't want to sit through more of these dinners, either.

No, not for me the country. Driving into town every day was a hassle. By the time we got going I would already feel sick. Since I'd be anxious about scoring, I couldn't be charming. Poor Perfect, he didn't deserve my irritability. I wouldn't feel like conversation—just GET ME TO THE CITY!

And the cash was almost gone. This couldn't go on. I called Jewish Connection.

"I still don't have your money," he said. "You have to wait."

"I can't."

"I'll tell you what. I can probably give you your five thousand at the end of the week, but if you want, I 'll give you four thousand today instead. But then that will be it. Five thousand next week or four thousand today."

What a choice! I would spend a thousand dollars for two days of dope. I accepted.

I bought a couple of grams from Dealer and met Perfect with the news that I was leaving Toronto. We spent one more night at the farm (ugh!), and the next morning Perfect drove me to the train. He even paid back the money he'd borrowed.

I couldn't wait to say goodbye to Canada. Even New York had to be heuer than that. Half a day later, I arrived at Grand Central Station and taxied to Momsy's. It was great to see her, and we chatted excitedly for a while.

"Oh, Momsy, I wish you could see my house in Goa. I have a safe behind a picture, a Laotian wedding canopy over my bed, and my toilet flushes. Stairs . . ."

"You didn't notice," she said, pouting and waving her arm in a peculiar fashion.

"What?"

"My new ring! How do you like it?" She see-sawed her hand. "Onyx and diamonds in gold."

That evening I pondered the problem of finding a dope connection in New York. I needed one fast. What if I couldn't contact the guy who'd helped me last time? Uh-oh!

"I forgot to tell you," came Momsy's voice through the door of the bathroom, where I sat rationing myself a sniff of dope. "You had a phone call last night. That's why I wasn't surprised to see you. I knew you couldn't be a liar."

"Who was it?"

"MENTAL!" I flew Out of the bathroom. "Oh, Momsy. This is important. Mental is here! Where? Oh, please say you know where."

"I have his phone number."

"Oh, Momsy. You saved my life! Where's the number? Where's the number?"

I called immediately. The number was of a hotel. I asked for the name Mental had given Momsy.

"Hello? Tee hee."

"Mental! I can't tell you how glad I am to hear your voice. I'm desperate here, you have no idea. I’m dying to see a fellow Goa face." I told him I'd be on the next flight to L.A. Saved!

I kissed Momsy and told her I was sorry I couldn't stay longer. I call Aunt Sathe. I'd already written her an apology for stranding her in Bermuda. I still had no clue about Lila's disappearance, and I didn't want to hear the details of Aunt Sathe's harrowing journey. Within hours I was airborne.

Mental had given me the name of a hotel near his. As I taxied from the airport, I dreamed of a snoot of real dope. I couldn't wait. I'd inhaled my last crumb on the plane and fervently hoped Mental would be in his room when I called.

He was. I leapt on him as soon as he entered my door. "MENTAL! I've never been so happy to see anyone in my life!" I kissed him hello. "Got any dope? I'm dying!"

"Tee hee, of course. You paid for it. Comes from Chiang Mai."

"You can't imagine the garbage I had in Canada," I told him, "and it was probably the dope I'd brought in myself—cut three times. I low discouraging. Oh, heaven! This tastes so good. Tell me about Giuliano."

"Giuliano's out to get you for ripping him of. He . . ."

"RIPPING HIM OFF? I did not!"

"That's what he says. Tee hee, said you took his suitcase."

"That's RIDICULOUS! I hadn't even SEEN Giuliano for weeks before I left Bangkok. How could I have taken his case? I had Mitchell's case."

"Tee hee, then maybe Mitchell took Giuliano's case. Somebody took it."

I gasped. "Mitchell and Giuliano shared a hotel room. Mitchell must have taken Giuliano’s case and told me it was his. But I had no idea."

"Tee hee. Whatever. Giuliano's upset. He's blaming you."

"I would never rip him off!"

"Don't worry about it. Tee hee, there's not much he can do."

Mental considered me a partner. I hadn't realized when I'd seen him the money that I was investing in a scam. To me, I was helping a friend. But I certainly needed help myself at that moment. If I'd had another few days of the way I'd been spending money, I couldn't have afforded the airfare hack to India. Here was a Goa friend treating me like a partner in his successful scam—neat-o.

He left me a generous stash, and we planned to meet the next day.

It wasn't long, however, before I realized things wouldn't be so easy. Mental wasn't called Mental for nothing.

The next day, the two of us set out to prepare our product. Since Mental had carried the dope into the country stuffed up his ass, it had compacted into cylinders as hard as rocks. Each one had been encased in several layers of condoms, and while he'd already disposed of the outer layer (thankfully), each cylinder was still sheathed in two rubbers. Mental spread newspaper on a table, and we began to unwrap our treasure.

"Don't you have something better than newspaper?" I suggested.

"Tee hee, it'll do."

"What if the powder absorbs ink? Nobody will want inky black smack."

"Don't worry about it. Man! This stuff is really hard."

I poked at the oblong roll of powder Mental had freed from its rubbers. It was impossibly hard. "This is like granite," I said. "I can't believe your body took our nice soft heroin and turned it into sleet balls. How long did it spend inside you anyway?"

"Tee hee, eons. I drank a bottle of diarrhoea medicine to make sure I wouldn't have to shit."

I laughed loud. "How much time was it that you didn't go to the bathroom?"

"A lOOOOOOOOng time. Maybe a week."

As each load came out of its rubber package, it maintained its shape exactly—we had eight white forms, each in the exact shape of a turd. I fell sideways on the carpet laughing. "Wasn't that uncomfortable?" I asked.

"You're telling me! I couldn't wait to crap. Tee hee, that's all I dreamed about on the flight in  . . ."  I bent double with laughter as Mental continued. "As soon as I got to the hotel I ate a box of Ex-Lax. Most have spent five hours on the toilet the next day. What a relief, tee hee. Aren't you going to help me with this?"

Barely able to sit up, I looked again at our concrete-like product. "I think it's petrified." My next guffaw New a dost cloud from the turd ball nearest me, and I fell to the carpet in hysterics again.

Now Mental laughed too. "It took a day to clear the stink from the bathroom," he said. "No wonder the maid forgot to clean the tub. Tee hee, I bet the people next door moved to another floor."

Mirth soon left me, though. "We have a real problem here," I said. "This stuff isn't crumbling like it ought to. It's remaining turd-shaped."

"People like rocks," said Mental. "That means it's pure. Maybe they'll like it better this way, tee hee."

"These aren't rocks, they're boulders. And they're shaped like shit."

"Yeah, and we have to make it powder to cut it." He retrieved a shoe from under the bed.

"Uh-oh. What are you going to do with that? No, no . . . Mental, wait." I jumped as Mental slammed the heel onto a turf-ball. "NO . . . " The ball shattered into pieces, spraying fragments in all directions. "No, Mental . . . The dope's flying away, and not with your dirty shoe . . ."

BAM. "It's working, tee hee, see?" BAM.

"You're losing too much . . ."

"It's okay." Mental folded the newspaper over the dope and whacked it again. The newspaper ripped, and our precious smack spewed off the table into the rug.

"Wait! At least let me find a plastic bag. Maybe there's a shower cap in the bathroom . . ."

Eventually I limited him to gentle taps, and an hour later we had the stash in more-or-less powder form. We spent the rest of the afternoon digging bits out of the carpet and snorting layers off the curtain and nearby furniture.

"Now we have to weigh it," said Mental.

"Do you have a scale?"

"No, I guess . . . buy one tomorrow. I'd like to know how muck is here, though . . . Maybe I can weigh it somewhere . . . Tee hee, maybe a store . . ."

"A store? What are you going to do, go in and ask to borrow their scale so you can weigh your heroin?"

"There's a health-food place around the corner. Let's go."

I wasn't sure what he had in mind as I followed him out of the hotel. "Mental, what exactly are you planning?"

"You’ll see."

At the health-food store. Mental strode briskly down the aisle. He circled a vitamin counter, peering this way and that, picking up packages of seeds, and scrutinizing the other entities.

"I don't see what you can possibly do here," I said as he peered over the top of a display. "Let's get out of here."

"Tee hee, there's a scale at the end there."

"That's for weighing produce, and it's in the middle of the store. You can't use that!"

"Why not, tee hee." He marched to the scale and plopped his see-through plastic bag of heroin right on it.

"MENTAL!!" I rushed to his side and tried to block the sight with my body, but there were people on all sides of him. "Are you insane?"

"Shhhh, just watch for shoppers. Tell me when someone comes."

"Comes? They're already here. There are people all around you."

"Seven ounces and a little more."

"Okay. Now put it away and let's go."

"Tee hee, one more minute . . ." He left the powder on the scale and went to tear a plastic bag from the vegetable display.

"Oh, no . . . Mental, no! Someone will see you!"

He came back and proceeded to measure an ounce into the vegetable bag. I thought I'd the. I looked frantically at the other shoppers, but no one seemed unduly concerned that we were weighing something. "Will you hurry up?!"

"I'm almost finished." He poured more in and used a nut scooper from the nut display to scoop some out. "Now I need something to cut it with. Tee hee, where's the sugar?"

I was relieved to see him leave the scale, but my alarm grew again as I spied him tearing into a box of confectioners' sugar. "What are you DOING? Don't open that here! Mental, we're carrying; we've got to be a little cool, you know. Stop! Buy it first, take it home, and then open it."

Flabbergasted, I watched him return to the scale and weigh out confectioners sugar from the ripped-open box. Still using the nut scooper, he scooped the sugar into another vegetable bag. This time I stayed a few feet from him so I could walk nonchalantly away when the guard came to arrest him. But no guard came. Eventually Mental strode off, leaving the torn box sitting an the counter. I followed.

"I'm finished. Tee hee, it worked didn't it?"

"Put it away, now. Put it away!" I said in a strained voice as I noticed the plastic bag of powder still in his hand.

Sweat coursed down my cheekbones as we finally walked toward the exit. Now Mental was headed for the door! I tried to stop him. "Mental! We've got to buy something. We've been in here half an hour. We can't just walk out with nothing."

But that's just what he had in mind. He was already past the wrong side of the checkout counter, and he kept going right out of the store. "Tee hee. See, you got all wrought up for nothing."

It soon became apparent that business with Mental would not be a simple undertaking. He was even having trouble with the great connection he allegedly had. Three days later he still hadn't made contact. The situation did not look promising. I certainly didn't trust Mental's ability to make a new connection. We needed someone who could handle quantity, and that was harder to find than your run-of-the-mill street dealer. Oh, dear—this was not going to work.

When another week went by without a sale, I decided to convince Mental to let me take the dope to Canada. I knew Jewish Connection was a good connection, however unpleasant our relationship had been, and felt confident I'd have no trouble disposing of the stash in Toronto. It would also be a relief to remove myself from Mental. I didn't wart to go to jail because of his dumb shenanigan.

Mental was not pleased with the idea, but it was obvious even to him that something had to go down soon or we wouldn't have a product left to sell. The only way this business worked—when you had your own habit—was to fly in, sell quickly, and return pronto to where the dope was cheap and plentiful.

Swearing I'd be back in four days, five at the most, I boarded a plane to Toronto. I, too, carried the cargo inside my body, but lucky for me, females have a neater, more-accessible pocket, so I didn't have to shove it up my ass like Mental. Because I'd left Canada only two weeks before, I worried that Immigration might find it suspicious. I fashioned a sad face and told the man at the counter I'd flown home for my mother's funeral. He smiled sympathetically and stamped me in.

As soon as I checked into a hotel, I called Jewish Connection. Sorry, he informed me, he couldn't handle more dope, because he still hadn't sold all of Mitchell's load. Uh-oh. Now what? I tried Dealer, but he was no help either. He dealt grams, and I was selling quantity—Mental had turned the original amount into a pound with the confectioners sugar. Dealer introduced me to someone who wanted to buy an ounce, though, and I agreed to deliver it that night.

The last thing I wanted was to parcel the stash into ounces, but it was the only start I had to begin a bigger connection. I delivered the ounce myself to the buyer and his girlfriend. There was another guy there, and they decided that, after trying the dope, they'd take me to the World's Fair, which was in Canada that year.

Buyer picked a rock and put it in his spoon. Though Mental and I had done a good job smashing it up, there was still a difference between the size of the dope and the size of the sugar—the rock was dope. Buyer did his shot, said it was fab, and we piled into a taxi to set out for the Fair.

We weren't more than a block away when he slumped over onto his girlfriend’s lap.

Oh, shit.

She called his name and slapped his face, but he didn't respond.

Oh shit shit shit! He was going to die of an overdose, and I had all that dope in my room! What should I do now?

The commotion in the back seat alerted the driver that something was amiss.

"Take us back," the girlfriend told him.

It took all of us plus the taxi driver to carry Buyer back into the apartment. I decided I couldn't leave in the middle of a crisis, though my instinct was to run to the hotel and move my cache. I'd wait and see what happened. If he then or was placed in an ambulance, then I'd go. For the moment, I tried to act like the helping friend, not the killer dope dealer.

We spent the next hour walking Buyer around the apartment, propping him under the shower, and keeping his eyes open. When he finally enabled and sat up by himself, I figured he would survive and that I could leave the apartment without seeming rude or uncaring. Boy, was I glad to go. By that time they no longer viewed me as Santa Claus.

I made another connection—Vinny and Vanessa, two city-style Junkies. They lived in a basement apartment on a quiet street. It was obvious when I arrived that I'd awoken them from a nod. Their works were spread out on the kitchen table, and they couldn't wait to shoot a sample of my product. Then, while we discussed business arrangements, quarter-gram customers came and went, most of them taking a shot at the kitchen table before leaving. To clean a syringe, water must be squirted through it. Vinny and Vanessa's sleazy customers cleaned their syringes at the table, squirting their bloody water in the air. Traces of the descending pink liquid could be seen in numerous trails covering the refrigerator door. Yeck!

I didn’t trust Vinny and Vanessa one bit. I decided to sell them a few ounces at a time, collecting the money first and leading them to believe I had more than I really did. I figured they wouldn't rob me as Long as I was an ongoing source. The dope was good-quality, and they were getting a good deal, so I felt reasonably sure that I could do business with these shady characters and not lose everything in the process. Vanessa took me to buy an expensive scale that I promised she could have when I left. I also gave them, for free, four grams I'd ruined. On the flight in, I'd hidden a travelling stash in a container of scented deodorant powder, and the smack had acquired a disgusting Arid Extra Dry flavour. When I snorted it (thankfully I didn't have to fix it anymore), the smelly stuff grossed me out. Since Vinny and Vanessa fixed it, the deodorant filtered out with cotton.

I did have the occasional doubt, though, that I could survive the machinations of those two street-smart, manipulative, always-plotting, sleazy junkies. I calculated every move, every weak spot, and kept promising that there was more, oodles more, available.

I felt incredibly happy when I completed the last transaction and held the money I was supposed to have—well, I had a decent amount of it, anyway. The trip had taken longer than expected, and I'd frittered away a sizeable quantity of dope on personal use and on bribes to instill good will in Vinny and Vanessa.

By the time I had changed the tens and twenties into hundred-dollar bills and arrived back in Los Angeles, Mental was disgruntled. When I divided the money, fifty-fifty, he became angry.

"Twenty-one thousand eight hundred and forty-three dollars!" he whined. "Is that all I get? Impossible! It's got to be more than that!"

Over and over, we calculated how much our daily habits had eaten out of the original stock (quite a bit). We figured out how much Mental had taken for himself when I'd left, how much I'd consumed or given away in Canada, and how much we had now. The price I'd received in Canada, five thousand an ounce, was standard, and the numbers matched. But Mental was dissatisfied.

"This is fucked up!" he said loudly. "I should be getting more than twenty-one thousand eight hundred and forty-three dollars!"

"That's it. That's how much it comes to."

"Can't be right. It's fucked up!"

A bit unfair, I thought, given that he could have starved in the monsoon in Bombay if I hadn't sent him the original two thousand dollars, not to mention the probability of his being arrested if I'd left him to his own devices in Los Angeles.

To me, the scam had been a terrific success. I'd started the summer with nothing and ended it with a fair amount. Surviving Vinny and Vanessa, I felt, was a tremendous feat in itself. But to Mental it was not enough.

I couldn't wart to escape his unappreciative ranting. As I started to leave. Mental decided that somewhere along the line I'd ripped him off. He shouted at me. I ignored him and left the room. He followed me to the hallway. When I entered the elevator, he shouted at me still.

"RIP OFF!" he yelled as the doors closed, leaving him, thankfully, on the other side. How embarrassing—the elevator was full of people! I was also hurt. Then I worried he'd run down the stairs and catch me in the lobby and make a scene. When the door opened, I dashed out. I moved to a different hotel and bought a ticket to India. What a monsoon!

This time I went back via the Pacific route. I chose a Korean Airlines flight and transited two days in Seoul. Wow, Korea! Hadn't there just been a war there?

A hotel employee told me how it felt to have his country divided in half. Apparently the border was not far from Seoul, and the people on either side were the same people.

"My cousins," he said, resting his foot on a laundry cart. "They live on other side."

Landing in Bombay, I felt like the Great Adventurer. I'd made it through another monsoon and arrived with escapades to recount. Rich once more, I took a room at the Sheraton-Oberoi and went to Dipti's.

Everyone turned in their seats to say hello, and Bila gave me a welcoming smile with my scoop of mango ice cream.

"How was your monsoon?" asked Shawn.

"Terrific! Just got in from Seoul. Did you know that Seoul is only twenty-five miles from the North Korean border?"

Amsterdam Dean slid into my booth with a greeting and said, "I heard you were in jail."

"Me? No! Where'd you hear that?"

"It's all over the beach. Some problem with you and Giuliano."

"Oh, no. Not Giuliano again. I don't know anything about this problem with Giuliano. I did rip him off!"

"That's the story. That you were arrested somewhere, and so the police went to your house in Goa and tore down a wall to get in . . . "

"My house! The police were in my house?"

"That's what I heard. They tore down a wall and searched the place and were asking questions about you. They picked up Alehandro and Bombay Brian for information . . ."

"What happened to my house? They tore down a wall? Which wall? It's open? My . . ."

"I don't know the details. Why don't you ask Brian. He should know."

I swallowed the last spoonful of ice cream in one gulp. My "See you later" sounded like "Zaiwuf urrfm" as I hurried out.

Bombay Brian worked in a carpet shop three doors down from Dipti's. I found him sitting cross-legged and drinking tea. "Hi, Cleo. How the hell was your monsoon?"

"What's this about the police at my house?"

"I heard they goddamn tore it down to get inside and that they found stacks of goddamn drugs and porno films. Hell, they've been looking everywhere for you."

"Drugs! There were no drugs there. Except for a few  tolas of opium. And a horrible gram of morphine . . . two tabs of acid at the most. Oh, and an old kilo of useless border hash. That's it! They're looking for me? Here? In Bombay?"

"All over," said Bombay Brian. "Shit, they came to ask ME."

"The police came HERE? What did they say?"

"They wanted to know where the hell you were. You better get yourself a goddamn lawyer."

I couldn't believe the normally unconcerned Goa police had actually come looking for me. They never bothered with Goa Freaks. Not unless they had a complaint. What did they do to my house? My beautiful house. I was frantic. It was my world, my palace, my fantasy. My home.

"Why me?" I asked Brian.

"Something to do with Giuliano. They busted the goddamn jackass, and he gave your name."

"Giuliano's been busted? Where?"

"Bombay International. He's still in goddamn jail as far as I know."

Well, that was good news of sorts. At least the creep was out of the way. I had not ripped him off. He had no reason to cause me trouble.

Brian convinced me to hire a lawyer to find out why the police wanted me. In the meantime I had to move out of the hotel, where they could easily find me. He said I could stay in his apartment on Marine Drive. I rushed to check out, peering around for lurking cops.

Bombay Brian was an American with blue eyes and greying hair and had been living in India for nobody-knew-exactly-how-long, but a long time. The story was that he'd been a member of Hell's Angels and that because of a nobody-knew-exactly-what problem he was afraid to return to America and was now a permanent resident of India. Aside from his house in Anjuna Beach, Brian had a Bombay penthouse with a round living room. He was savvy to the workings of Bombay and directed me to a law office.

The lawyer I commissioned was young, fat, obviously well-stationed in India society, and too complacent for my liking.

"My house! My home! It means everything to me. Please help me with my house."

The lawyer shook his head from side to side and said, "First you want to inquire as to what the charges against you are. Then you can worry about your house."

"How long will it take?"

"Weeks only."

"Weeks! But I must hurry home right away. If it's been smashed open, anyone can walk in and take everything. Oh, my wonderful house!"

"These things take time. This is India, not America. I will go to Goa."

"You have to go there?"

He leaned back in his chair, which made a loud squeak, and did that Indian shake with his head again. "How else can I find out what is going on?"

I didn't mention the telephone, realizing the man was seizing this opportunity to have a vacation at my expense. Another Indian lawyer would do no differently. I sighed. This was the Indian way.

"Perhaps I will be able to leave here at the end of the month," he said.

"End of the month!! No sooner?"

He raised a hand in the air where his gold rings glinted in the forty watt light. "I am a busy man."

Back at the apartment, Brian and I discussed how it wasn't terribly cool for me to stay in Bombay with the police perhaps waiting for my next visit to Dipti's. I couldn't go to Goa, either.

"Why the hell don't you go to Poona?" Brian suggested. "I've been thinking of visiting a friend there: We could go together."

"Poona! Isn't that where the ashram is—Rajneesh? ‘Where orange people come from?"

Apparently orange was a spiritual colour, and the Rajneesh zealots wore nothing but orange clothes and a picture of their guru, Bhagwan Rajneesh. I remembered how Mushroom Jeffrey had dyed his clothes when he became Swami Anand Geet. I'd seen orange people pass through Goa. Did I want to surround myself with them? Spirituality was the last thing I desired at that moment.

"Poona! Well, at least I’ll be safe there. No policeman would think of looking for me near an ashram. Oh," I groaned, covering my face. "AH that orange."

Since Brian could only be away from Bombay for a weekend, it wasn't until Friday afternoon that we climbed into a taxi at Churchgate Station. Three other passengers (all Indian) climbed in too, which meant four of us squeezed into the back seat of the small car. It was a seven-hour drive, and after we left the city, an endless stream of dirt blew at me through all four, wide-open windows.

By the time we arrived in Poona, it was night. The driver took everyone else to their homes before he dropped us at the address Brian had given him.

Hungry, dirty, dying for a toilet, and exhausted, I was not in the mood for the cheerful liveliness of Brian's friends.

"Brian!"

"Hi, Lydia. How the hell are you?"

"No, no," said the happy, frisky voice. "My name is Vanya now. Bhagwan named me Prem Vanya. It means love, sturdy as a forest."

I groaned inwardly as I slid my suitcase across the top step and faked a smile at my hostess.

"Come in, come in," she bubbled in her halo of orangeness. Three more orange shapes buzzed from behind her to whisk my suitcase from where I'd dumped it at my feet. I gave Brian a sidelong Look. I didn't think I was ready for this.

All topics of conversation that night centred on Bhagwan: this person's dilemma resolved by a "vision" from Bhagwan, that person's insight into his "past life" acquired during Bhagwan's lecture, and someone's else's "astral projection" through the ashram guided by Bhagwan. Brian and I periodically sought each other's eye for a comforting look of "How did we get ourselves into this?"

"My company in Vancouver exceeded my expectations last year," Prem Vanya told us, "but then Bhagwan called me to Poona—transcendentally, I mean, the way he brought you two here today."

"Uh . . . Oh . . ? Is that goddamn right?" Brian answered, refolding his arms around his knee and staring in seeming fascination at the orange rug on which he sat.

The long night ended only because everyone wanted to wake up early for "Dynamic," a meditation at sunrise.

"Why don't you two do Dynamic with us?" suggested Prem Vanya. "Then you'll be there for Bhagwan's lecture at eight."

I waited for Brian's (I hoped) negative reply. It came.

"Ah . . . well, actually I'm goddamn tired. I think I sleep late tomorrow, if you don't mind."

Saved!

"Fine. I'll pick you up at noon, and we'll lunch at the ashram cafeteria. How's that?"

Trapped.

Prem Vanya brought me a blanket (orange, of course) and ensured I was comfortably installed on the mattress that also acted as a couch. Brian slept on the floor at the far end of the room, and an orange person unrolled himself a sleeping bag in a spot near the window. As my eyes closed on the orange-painted walls, the orange-draped table, the orange flowers in a nearby bowl, I wondered if my fate at the hands of the Goa police would not have been better.

Fortunately the orange people were gone when I awoke. I found Brian in the kitchen, eating toast with orange marmalade (of course). "What have you gotten me into?" I asked.

Framed by an orange wall, he took a bite, and orange jelly caught in his moustache as he said, "It is too goddamn much, isn't it?"

"Must we really go to that ashram for lunch? I think I had enough of Bhagwan last night."

"What the hell, it might be a gas," Brian answered sarcastically, rolling his eyes to the orange ceiling.

I looked at the tattoos covering the arm that reposed on the orange table and thought: If an ex-Hell's Angel can stand it, I can stand it.

At noon, Prem Vanya bubbled into the apartment and bubbled us out the door into a waiting rickshaw. As we drove through town, I noticed that half the people on the street were foreigners dressed in orange. The boutiques that lined the sidewalks displayed wares in one colour only—orange.

"There it is, that's the ashram!" yipped Vanya ecstatically.

I could have guessed. The street had become impassable, clogged with knots of orange people. Numerous units of two and three pressed together in what looked like a hug. We climbed out of the rickshaw some distance from the ashram entrance and shouldered through the motionless bodies.

"Vanya!"

Prem Vanya encountered someone she knew and was engulfed in one of those lengthy embraces. Brian and I stood there until the hugging came to an end. We hadn't gotten much closer to the ashram when Vanya met another acquaintance and entangled herself in another Bhagwan hug. When this happened several times more, Brian exhibited impatience.

"C'mon, c'mon. Let's get the hell inside already."

With the next people Vanya met, she limited the hug to a few seconds only, and we eventually made our way into the ashram.

The inside revealed lush greenery polka-dotted with gigantic flowers. Orange people were everywhere, strolling down paths, sitting on the lawn, entering and exiting various buildings. I moaned when I saw the cafeteria. It looked like it belonged in a high school in Iowa somewhere, and of course it served only vegetarian food. I should have known.

The weekend passed quickly, and Brian and I actually had a good time laughing over the orange-flavoured exuberance. We engaged in an especially good giggle as I recounted my first experience with a Bhagwan hug. Apparently the appropriate response was to hang on tightly and squeeze back; the occasional murmured "Mmmmmm" was optional. The hug was to continue as long as possible—the longer held, the greater proof of possessing Bhagwan.

Sunday soon came to an end, and Brian was about to leave me alone with that bunch.

"Oh, Brian, I don't know how I'll bear it here by myself. Will you keep in touch with that lawyer and let me know when I can leave for Goa? I’ll go crazy if I'm stuck here too long."

He thought my predicament very funny. "Maybe you'll see the goddamn light and have a goddamn out-of-body experience," he chuckled. "Wouldn't you like to fly the hell around the ashram by astral projection? Let's hear you chant. HHHHHmmmmmmmm . . . C'mon! HHHHHmmmmmmm . . ."

I joined in, "HHHHHmmmmmmmmmm ," and we broke out in laughter.

But then he was gone, and it was just me and those people.

I moved out of the apartment. At a hotel near the ashram, I took a room in a row of shacks. The other guests all wore orange and kept their doors open while they socialized on the communal porch. Exhibiting that friendly Bhagwan glow, they were pleased to supply me with incense and candles. They wanted to know when I was going to take sannyas and become one of them.

Early Tuesday afternoon, the thought came to me—why not join? Who knew how long I'd be stuck in Poona? Since I had to be there anyway, why not involve myself in the utopia? It might be fun.

I rushed to the ashram office—stopping often for the inevitable hug—and informed them I wished to become a sannyasi. They made an appointment for my darshan (audience) with Bhagwan the next night.

My neighbours at the hotel were overjoyed at having fostered a new recruit and helped me prepare. Bhagwan couldn't tolerate scents, so special shampoos and soaps had to be used. Before I'd be allowed into the hall, I'd have to pass a smell test, and they decided I couldn't wear the one orange outfit I possessed. Someone lent me an orange robe.

At six I gathered with the selected others by Lao Tzu Gate, and we waited in silence to be let in. When the time came, we filed by two sniffers, who took deep whiffs of our hair and clothes before declaring each person scent-free and granting entrance to the inner sanctum. Sitting on a marble floor, we waited silently for a signal. When it came, everyone sat up straight and brought their hands together in prayer form, the Indian gesture of greeting.

The guru made his entrance.

Long grey beard, long white robe, he entered slowly, placed his palms together and pointed them toward us; then he sat in the only chair in the hall. He spoke for a while to those assembled, then dealt with individuals who'd written him a question. Finally, he addressed us newcomers.

We were called individually to sit at the Master's feet. I was nervous and excited as I pattered forward through the solemn atmosphere, When I sat before Bhagwan, he placed a mala (a beaded wooden necklace with his picture) around my neck and put his thumb over the "third eye" on my forehead. He stared in concentration and then scribbled on a piece of paper.

"Your name will be Ma Prem Madhumaya," he said. "It means 'love with the sweetness of honey'."

I was an orange person! Brian would die when he heard!

In no time, I looked like, sounded like, and acted like a sannyasi. I took a handful of clothes to be dyed orange (Brian was really going to die). Every day at Buddha Hall the non-stop activities began with Dynamic meditation at sunrise. Buddha Hall was an immense raised platform, roofed, but without walls, therefore open to the flowery richness of the tropics. I never made it to the ashram before 1 p.m.—after a meaty lunch outside and just in time for Bhagwan's taped discourse. I'd bring a pillow (orange, of course), sprawl on the cold marble of Buddha Hall, and listen to the soothing voice coming from the speakers. Alas, I often fell asleep midway through—but so did many others, I noticed.

"It doesn't matter," someone assured me. "Bhagwan's intensity will get through, whether you hear every word or sleep through the whole thing."

This was true. Bhagwan's presence filled every corner of the ashram. His picture hung everywhere, and his name found its way into every conversation.

At 3 p.m. Sufi Dance taught us words to songs and simple dance steps. We sang to Allah and Yahweh, to Hindu gods and Christian ones, stomping and clapping, whirling, jumping and running, holding hands and changing partners. Fifty or sixty of us bounded and pranced to Sufi Dance, covering the great distance of the hall. At the end of each frantically energetic segment, the Leader would shout "Stop!" and we'd stop where we were, dose our eyes, and feel joyous energy flood our bodies. In the Bhagwan vocabular, I was "blissed out."

At 4 p.m. was Kundalini, consisting of fifteen minutes of frenzied shaking, followed by fifteen minutes of dancing, then fifteen minutes sitting in quiet meditation with our eyes closed, and finally with 15 minutes lying flat out. Unfortunately, I never remembered the mosquito repellent until the meditation part. Every mosquito in the state of Maharashtra knew about Kundalini. They massed in a cloud for this banquet of motionless bodies just waiting to be bitten.

I took more clothes to be dyed orange.

I also discovered Laxmi Villa, an estate whose mansion had been divided into small rooms where housed sannyasi Freaks. While old-time sannyasis lived at the ashram, and recent arrivals from the West stayed in Poona's hotels and apartments, Laxmi Villa housed the hippies. Freaks, and travellers. There was always a party somewhere in the villa, and once a week it hosted an open-house affair in the garden. Laxmi Villa was the only place with a drug scene; Bhagwan advocated the natural high only, and many villa residents did aspire in that direction, in sharp contrast to Goa.

Although little smack could be found in Poona, an ex-Goa Freak guided me to its one opium den—a shack in a vacant lot. I waited an hour to taste a lungful of smoke. Though Bhagwan was against drugs, this was still India, and sannyasis packed the little den. Within days I knew the regulars, and we'd talk about Bhagwan while waiting for the baba to clean dross out of the pipe.

"Did you hear about the assignment Bhagwan gave Sambhava studying the tree behind the bookstore?"

"Sambhava sits in front of that tree all day."

"He has to do it for a week."

"Bhagwan said it will teach him humility."

"Hey, baba. Eck mas, please. One more pipe."

Meanwhile, what was happening with my wonderful house? What was the fat lawyer doing? I decided to sneak back to Bombay to find out.

I went by train, which turned out to be worse than the taxi and took four hours longer. I knocked on Brian's door with a grin on my face.

"Goddamn!" he said, seeing the  mala and the orange clothes. "What the hell? Cleo!"

"No, no," I giggled. "My name is Prem Madhumaya. It means 'love, sweet as honey.' "

I hurried to see Fat Lawyer, who did the Indian shake with his head and promised me, "Soon, soon."

"But my house!" I started, then I stopped and sighed. This was India. Things moved slowly. "At least tell me how soon. If I have time, I can take group sessions at the ashram."

He waved his ring fingers in the air. "Take them. You have time." That night I dared to dine at the Ambassador Hotel so I could say hello to friends. The crowd of Freaks made room for me at their table. "Hoo, boy—look at you!" exclaimed Norwegian Monica, spotting my orange.

I ordered a three-course meal and indulged in the cocaine that made its way around the table. By the time my crabmeat arrived, I couldn't eat a thing. Stories of how people spent the monsoon unfolded.

"We went back to Bali," said Max. "It's ruined. Tourists everywhere, and the police really hassle you for nude bathing. Would you believe Kaiya Waiya is now part of Club Med?"

"No! How disgusting!"

We also heard about those of us who'd run into trouble that monsoon.

"What a bastardly turn of events for Kadir!" said Dayid. "A contretemps!"

"Did something happen to Kadir?" I asked. "I have silver jewellery of his that I couldn't sell in the West."

"They busted him in Europe," explained Ashley. The tiara on her head reflected blue beams of light. "He was sentenced to two years."

"Two years!" I exclaimed. "Poor Kadir. He must be going crazy. Stuck in jail for two years—and so far from India. It's terrible in the West. I missed this place like mad when I was in Canada."

"I can empathize with that pathos. Midway through the monsoon, Ashley and I experienced a puissant fervour to return here."

"This monsoon I went to my country, Iran," said Sima. "It is a relief to be back in India."

"Oh, hey, did you see Serge there?" I asked.

"Yes," answered Bernard. "He was waiting for you."

"Oh. . ."

"He told us about your girl who went down. Sorry to hear about it."

"What girl? Lila? Did she go down?"

"You don't know about that? She went down in London. They busted her at Heathrow—pulled her out of transit. She's in Flolloway Prison."

"OH, NO!"

"They got everybody going that route," said Monica. "I was the last one to make it through. Everyone passing through London after me got caught. They know about Goa. Don't ever transit in England. Heathrow's hot."

"I can't believe it! Lila's been in jail all this time? I thought she stranded my Aunt Sathe in Bermuda and ran away with my money."

"Nope. They arrested her."

"That was my trip. I should have been the one in the transit lounge. Yippy! if I'd gone, they'd have ME! Oh!"

"They stopped everyone coming from the East."

The thought of Lila in jail stayed with me as my dinner companions exchanged tips regarding borders, airlines, and transit Lounges: "Switzerland has the best transit. You can rent rooms in the woman's nursing area and do your dope in private. They wake you up in time for your connecting flight . . ."

"Do you think I should get Lila a lawyer?" I asked Monica.

"Too late now. You should've done that when she was arrested. Once someone is sentenced, that's it."

"I feel so bad. I should have bailed her out so she could have left the country before the trial. I should have done something. If I'd only known!"

"You can write her and let her know how you feel. So she doesn't think she's been forgotten."

"Do you think they interrogated her?"

"Sure. They wanted to know who sent her."

"Do you think she told them?"

"No. Don't worry about that. Goa Freaks never inform on each other. She didn't tell."

"So what happens when she gets out?" I asked. "What are we supposed to do when this happens? I guess I should still pay her something."

"That's fair. Goa Freaks must take care of each other."

"I'll give her what she would have made on the trip—five thousand dollars." I liked the thought of paying Lila the money though the scam fell through. Goa Freaks belonged to a special community, and providing for each other was an important aspect of it.

After taking a snoot, Monica passed me the turquoise box of smack that was circulating the table. "I must kick this soon," she said. "They don't call me Norwegian Monica anymore. Now they call me Smack Monica."

"I'm never quitting," I told her. Over the summer in Canada, I'd come to a decision about smack. I loved it. I didn't want to stop using. This was my way of life now—I was a Goa Freak and I used smack. I would not torture myself again by trying to stop or letting myself run low. Why would I want to be straight, anyway? "I love this life," I said. "I never want to quit. I love being different from the boring nine-to-five robots. Did I tell you about Mental in the health-food store . . . ?"

I knew I had to beware of the coke, though. I could not let myself go Coke Amuck like I did in the house with Neal and Serge. I'd have to be careful. I'd eat. I'd sleep. No more coked-out sleepless weeks. I'd take vitamins and remember to brush my hair. Drugs and Goa generated a wonderful way of life as long as you took care of yourself and exerted control. I could do that.

For the trip back to Poona I hired a taxi for myself alone. Much better that way. This time I could stretch out, sleep, and dose the windows to sniff my dope without it blowing away.

Back at the ashram, I signed up for three groups Bhagwan suggested I take. The first one was called "Centering," which, in the evenings, involved chanting for hours, our voices blending together and echoing through the ashram. "HHHHHmmmmm . . ." Next came "Tantra"— three days of sex, from morning to night. The last group was "Kio," geared to learning shiatsu massage.

When Kio ended, I called Brian.

"Go the hell to Goa," he said.

"What about the police?"

"There are no charges against you. Go meet your goddamn lawyer in Calangute."

Ah, yes—Fat Lawyer, who was now vacationing in Goa at my expense. No charges? So what had it been? All rumour?

I piled my belongings into a taxi and, nine hours later, was searching Calangute for my lawyer. He was staying at the Tourist Hotel, where I was informed "they" were on the beach.

They? I wondered who "they" were that I was treating to this holiday.

I encountered him on the sand with a woman he didn't introduce as his wife. "It is over," he said. "You may go back to your house now."

"What about the police?"

"They only want to speak with you. You must pay a small fine. It is nothing."

"Did they break into my house? What's the fine for?"

"A pornographic movie. Pornography is not allowed in this country. You go. They will explain."

Third Season  In Goa

1977 – 1978

JOY WELLED UP IN ME at the thought of seeing my house. Not even the lawyer's preposterous bill could mar my happiness.

As usual, on the first trip of the year into Anjuna, I was overcome by the wonder of such a Freak haven, and I burst with emotion at my good fortune in being part of it. I whooped out the window, "HELLO, ANJUNA BEACH. I'M BACK!"

Then anxiety grew as I crossed the paddy fields. What would I find at the house? The walls torn down? Everything gone? I ran the last few yards to the front door and darted around the sides. No holes. Every wall stood as I'd left it! Not a scratch.

However, if the police had found the porno film, that meant they'd entered not only the house but also the safe. I rushed to unlock the door and dashed through the front room, the living room, the dining room. I stopped short in the kitchen. The picture was off the wall and lying on the floor, but the safe itself seemed otherwise intact—as securely closed as when I'd left. I explored the surrounding wall, turning the corner into the bathroom—everything looked normal—and then the kitchen. What's this? I peeped through the half-opened closet door. Argh! Oh, tortured metal! Unable to get in the safe from the front, the police had blowtorched their way through its corner, which protruded into the closet. Thick steel, bent grotesquely out of shape, curved in abstract directions, as if a bomb had exploded inside my precious strongbox.

MY MOVIES!!

The movies were gone! They hadn't just taken the old, dumb porno; they'd taken them all. Oh, no!

They'd left everything else, though. The Opium rested undisturbed next to expired passports and special letters. They even left the hash, the morphine, and the acid.

Lino came by for the rent and explained why he'd let the police in the house.

"I'm glad you did," I told him. "You've no idea how relieved I am you had a key."

The tiles of the floor were cool under my bare feet. I felt like kissing the sari-covered walls, the platform, the four-foot-high pile of mattresses. I climbed to the top and hugged a musty cushion to my breast. Home.

The maid and her family helped me unpack, and by the next day we had the house set up. Once again the bhong occupied a revered spot in the living room.

Sooner or later. I'd have to go to the police station, but for the moment I just wanted to bask in the feeling of being back on Anjuna Beach. I picked up four months of mail at Joe Banana's, ate a plate of Gregory's buffalo steak, and watched the sunset. Then I had to fly to Bombay for more money. I took three thousand dollars from my safety deposit box, doubled it by changing it on the black market, and flew back.

Determined to stay healthy that season, I went to Paradise Pharmacy in Mapusa and asked for suggestions. They told me about a substance called electrolytes used by pregnant women, anaemic, and people with dysentery. I bought a supply, along with calcium pills and one-a-day vitamin supplements.

Back on the beach, I bought dope and coke-for myself and to spare with others.

During the day, after hours in the sun or a tour of the flea market. I'd join the house-to-house visiting and communal turn ons. Goa life centred on visiting. Nobody (except me) kept their doors locked, and friends just walked in and sat down. Alehandro's house by Joe Banana's always had a crowd and was the standard place to stop on the way to check for mail  "BOMBOLAII" Eight to fifteen people would lounge on his thick Afghani rug, in the centre of which reigned Alehandro and the bhong.

"Ola, Cleo," would come his loud voice.  "Que pasa? Come have a bhong."

If you had a stash, it was customary to take it out—once the initial welcome bhong had been passed and smoked—and to make the next round of bhongs for everyone. On the carpet would be at least one mirror for making lines of coke. Big-shots made lines for everybody, but it was okay to offer a turn-on only to Alehandro and those close by. I made bhongs and lines for the whole company. I loved feeling like a successful Goa resident. With monsoon business over, party time awaited us.

Alehandro had an entourage of followers who lived with him and ran his errands. This group consisted of those who were interested in partaking of the free flow of drugs and frequent feasts. This season I noticed it was Hollywood Peter who sat at Alehandro's elbow and who scurried to Joe Banana's when Alehandro yelled, "Juice. What, we have no more juice?"

"Peter, wait," I called, holding up the mirror. "Here, have a line to get you there and back."

I resumed bhong-making. I loved watching the eyes of those sitting nearby as they anticipated who'd be passed the next one. I poured more coke on the mirror. "You should see the red Buddha bhong I bought in Canada," I announced. "Why don't you all come by later. . ."

"Did you hear the news?" asked Georgette, accepting the bhong I held out. "They're bringing electricity to the beach."

"Lino, my landlord, told me," I answered. "I'll believe it when I see it. It'll be like that bridge they're building—under construction for the next fifty years."

"No. They're already stringing wires," said Norwegian Monica. "I've seen them."

"Electricity! It'll ruin the beach," Paul stated forcefully.

When I left Alehandro's, I headed inland to Gregory's restaurant.  I ordered the day's misspelled speciality, Lobster Stew, and joined some friends at a wobbly table. At the end sat Ashley wearing a straw hat with a two-foot-long feather.

"Gregory would have served you a crustacean without the stew if you'd asked," said Dayid with a lobster in front of him. "Do you know, a sea anemone is not really a flower, but is composed of solitary polyps grouped together?"

I flicked a caterpillar off the table and settled down to eat. I almost choked on my mashed potatoes when I saw who sauntered in.

"Hey, hey! Narayan!" shouted someone at another table.

Ashley and I exchanged looks.

"Looks like your nemesis from Bali," said Dayid. They knew my story with Narayan. By this time Dayid who snorted smack heavily, and the thought of Narayan's tossing my pound of it into the ocean was enough to make him forget the lobster claw in his hand.

Narayan sat at a table opposite us. When he saw me, he offered a lopsided sank.

My fury at him returned full force. The wrath and frustration he'd caused had not subsided one Speck. I'd never gotten revenge.

We were seated facing one another, and our eyes kept meeting. I wanted to squish my potatoes up his nose with the pointy end of a fork. That wouldn't make for a tranquil season, though. How would I deal with Narayan?

I pushed my plate away. "Enough of this! Who's ready for a nice snoot of smack?"

I didn't wear the orange sannyas outfits long. I never wore much of anything in Goa, and what I did wear wasn't orange. Since the mala didn't feel right over blue or green, I stored it in the safe, using the blowtorched hole as a door.

Settled into Anjuna life, I went to meet Inspector Navelcar of the Panjim police.

The Panjiin police complex consisted of low buildings framing a courtyard of shrubs. I climbed creaky wooden stairs, as directed, and introduced myself to Inspector Navelcar. He didn't leave me standing in the hallway, as was typical of Indian bureaucrats. If the lawyer had accomplished nothing else, at least he'd paved my way to respect in India's system of caste and status.

While Inspector Navelcar and I chatted, half the police force found a reason to poke their heads in the doorway to peek at the "hippie." The inspector and I got along well, though he never believed a word I said. Apparently they'd read the letters in my safe, some of which had been revealing-of scams, drugs, and illegal money. Stupid me, I should have learned that lesson in Australia. What could I say to the Inspector? He'd learned my secrets. I could only be, and be obviously in order not to offend him.

"Oh, I made that up," I said to his query of a Canadian scam I'd written about. "It's a fantasy." I twinkled at the Inspector to let him know I knew that he knew the truth. I shrugged a shoulder to convey my apology for having no alternative but to be. I didn't want to appear to be conning him. He seemed a nice man. He was just doing his job. I didn't want to hurt his Feelings.

"Ah! A fantasy!" he twinkled back. "The part about making twenty-thousand dollars from selling hash in Australia, a fantasy?"

"Yes. I wanted to impress my friends back home."

He paused. I shrugged.

"You are telling me this is not true, then?"

"Right. I never did that. I made it up."

I smiled foolishly at Inspector Navelcar, and he smiled back.

"About Laos and a tube of toothpaste . . . ?"

"I invented everything," I answered, raising my eyebrows to beg forgiveness.

"So, you are saying you did none of the things written in the letters?"

"Right."

We smiled at each other.

There was no point in going further. He ordered tea for me, and that was the end of that.

"Can I have the movies back?"

"Yes, yes. A simple formality."

I'd already been exposed to what Indians called "simple formalities" and sighed as I realized the ordeal coming my way. Damn Giuliano.

Even simply paying the fine was not simple, since no one knew exactly where the form was or who had to write it up or what I was being fined for. I spent all day at the station. I spent quite a few days at the station. Mostly it was a question of finding the right room, or the right person, or the person with the right stamp, or the right day for that particular person, or the right day for a particular procedure. And then, when everything WAS right—hey, where did he go? He has left. Personal business. Come back tomorrow.

Somehow, miraculously, I eventually recovered the movies (except the porno), and Inspector Navelcar and I became friends in the process.

"Hi," I said, knocking courteously at his office door. "I want to let you know I have the films. Thank you for your help."

He smiled broadly and stood up. "So, it is finished now?"

"Yes, thanks again. You've been very nice. Bye."

After only three and a half weeks in Goa, I had to do another ride to Bombay for cash. This time I withdrew four thousand dollars from the safety deposit box. Uh-oh—at this rate my cache wouldn't last long. Mental had not been wrong thinking that twenty-odd thousand dollars wasn't enough. Our habits could gobble that up in a flash. Okay, Cleo, I told myself, maybe it's time to slow down on the coke.

My house became a major hangout. It had space and lots of satin covered mattresses, and I always had drugs. I felt super. Friends and strangers gathered around me. Even Dayid and Ashley joined my group. On the way to an indoor party or a beach party, Goa Freaks stopped at my house for preparty lines of coke and to add sparkle to their faces.

"Would you apportion some glitter over my eyes, please?" Dayid would ask. "And disseminate a bit in my hair too."

Rumours about me abounded that year. First there'd been the story that I'd ripped off Giuliano. Even those who heard my version seemed to remain unconvinced of my innocence. But then Mental arrived on the scene, and that really cinched it; the second person with a tale that I'd ripped him off. Try proclaiming guiltlessness now!

Indignantly disturbed, I tried to explain. It became evident, though, that I couldn't erase all doubts once such accusations began. Then I looked at it differently. Imagine—they believed that little me had ripped off two well-connected guys. And got away with it. Not an insignificant accomplishment. That would take shrewdness. Realizing I'd never be able to convince everyone otherwise, I decided to enjoy the reputation.

I flew to Bombay to pick up five thousand dollars. When I saw the diminished pile left in the box, I promised myself I wouldn't buy another gram of coke. At this rate. I'd be penniless before the end of the season.

Back in Goa, I scored a gram before returning to the house.

*

Neal and Eve and the baby returned after an uneventful and nonlucrative monsoon. Neal hadn't been able to send money to reserve his house, and his landlord had rented it to someone else. The only place they could find was a dark room at the north end of the beach on the other side of the road. Inconvenient and ugly, it became even uglier because of their continuing indigence.

"Wow, Mahara's grown so big!" I said, entering the hovel.

Eve stared into space and whispered, "She can't pronounce Mahara. She calls herself Ha."

"Hello, Ha," I said, stepping over a trail of ants that led to a discarded mango pit. Something floated legs-up in a glass of lemon water.

Neal looked at me. Magic sparked between us still. But—friends. We would be friends. I'd sworn to keep my hands off him, and he'd sworn himself to Eve and the baby. We would only be friends.

He seemed distressed. "I was so glad to get your telegram from Canada asking if I needed money," he said. "We were in a bad way. But when I called your hotel, they said you'd checked out."

"Oh, no! Pin sorry. Mental called first and said Giuliano was after me. So I moved." Oh shit! I'd let my friend down. "You didn't do any business during the monsoon?" I asked.

Neal shook his bangs. "Nothing. I'm still hoping to hear from the connection in California. As soon as I do, I start something."

"I'm sorry I switched hotels," I said, feeling like a traitor. "I waited to hear from you, then figured you'd left on a scam." Something was crawling up my leg, but Eve was watching me, so I ignored it. Bad form to get excited over a bug.

"I called as soon as I received the cable," Neal told me.

"Oh!" I stamped my foot, hoping the thing would be shaken off. "I'm so sorry!" The creepy-crawly held on. "What bad timing!"

A depressing visit. I hated to see Neal in such dreadful straits. I missed his happy laugh and jolly storytelling. And as I crossed the paddy field to return home, I realized that Neal hadn't offered me a line of anything. Not once had I heard the familiar CLICK, CLICK of the razor blade on his glass block.

After that, I went often to see Neal and turn him on with my drugs. On one visit, I heard Serge's voice on the porch. Serge! I'd been waiting half a year to see him. I couldn't have Neal, and I couldn't have Narayan, but Serge—my Serge was back!

"Hello, Miss Cleo."

He tossed his pink scarf over his shoulder. So cute. He sat next to me. Oh, those big, brown eyes! I wanted to pounce on.

"I just got in last night," he said.

"Did you have a nice monsoon?"

"Yes, and you?"

"Yes, I went to Moscow and Korea."

"That's nice."

We giggled.

"How's your house?"

"Fine."

"I'm glad."

We smiled at each other and giggled some more. "How are you?"

"Fine."

"That's good."

Then I asked where he was staying, and he told me about the Frenchie.

"I'm here with a French girl," he said. "She's never been to India before. I met her in France, and she helped me get over missing you. You know, I was very upset because of you. She helped me through it." My Serge had a girlfriend with him! I couldn't say anything, could only stare at him. "You made me so unhappy when you didn't show up," he continued. "I don't know what I'd have done without her." I wasn't going to get my Serge back. He would use the Frenchie as a shield against me. "I owe her a lot. Miss Cleo." Oh, my Serge had a girlfriend! "I really needed her to get over you."

Get over me! He got over me. Like last year's bout of flu.

A crow mode a noisy landing on the porch, looking for food to snatch. When Serge's eyes shifted focus, I released the lungful of air I didn't know I was holding in.

I picked up my silver stash box and asked, "Everybody want a line?"

I made another bank trip.

*

The event of the season was the wedding of Gigi and Marco. For years French Gigi and Italian Marco had been living in one of the grandest houses in Goa, situated on the road between Anjuna and Calangute. Gigi and Marco already had a five-year-old daughter, and no one understood why they wanted to marry. Freak weddings were rare. As a matter of fact, Gigi and Marco's was the only one, ever.

A government official performed the ceremony in Mapusa. I filmed it. I'd been filming all important Anjuna Beach affairs.

That night there was to be a feast. Sima and Bernard and Bernard's French friends slaughtered lambs one after the other, all afternoon, in the courtyard at the centre of the house. They skinned the animals by inserting a bicycle pump into slits in the bodies so the pumped-in air blew the hide off the flesh. The dead beasts inflated to grotesque size as the mosaic floor ran with their blood.

Serge, the presiding chef at barbecues, came early to start the fire. I hated to see him. I couldn't bear being in the same place and not being with him. He smiled at me with eyes outlined strikingly in kohl. Oh.

That night people flocked in from the other beaches. Dancers and people sitting on mats packed the are a in front of the house. "BOMBOLAI!" The Anjuna crowd hogged the inside.

The attention outdoors centred on Serge and the dozen lambs he was roasting over the fire. They seemed to take forever to cook. The later it got, the better they smelled, and the more everyone complained of hunger.

"Come on, Serge, old boy. We're ravenously awaiting the victuals," said Dayid.

"Hoo, boy—what a smell," said Norwegian Monica.

"Let's get the goddamn food on a plate, for christ sake," said Bombay Brian, who'd flown down for the occasion. "Hey, Cleo, what happened to your goddamn orange clothes?"

Finally the animals were removed from the flame and placed on banana leaves. We had to figure our own way to cut meat off the carcasses. I borrowed someone's pocket knife and squeezed into a circle where the people elbowed each other for a slice. One person had hold of a leg. Another, pulling in the opposite direction, struggled with the neck.

"Here, cut you a piece," said a voice.

Serge. His curls were smoky and covered in ash as he leaned in and grabbed the haunch. I wanted to touch him and couldn't steer my eyes from the flowing red silk on his back. He stood up and handed me a chunk of meat. Juice ran down my arm and dripped from my elbow as I took a bite. He was very dose to me.

"How is it, Miss Cleo?" he said softly.

"Mmmmmmm," I murmured, thinking more about him than about the food. Someone asked him for the knife, and he bent over to cut another piece. "I don't know about this lamb," I told him when he turned back. "Isn't it too raw?" His scarf brushed my arm.

"Well, everyone complained they couldn't wait to eat another minute."

Soon his presence was called for elsewhere. I knew his Frenchie lurked somewhere nearby. I didn't want to meet her. I went inside the house and piled a mirror high with coke; then I joined the bhong circle; then I returned home miserable, thinking of Serge.

*

I made my last bank trip to Bombay. All gone. I left the safety deposit box empty. There went the plan to run my own scam next monsoon. Worse than that, the little money I took back to Goa guaranteed I couldn't buy one more snoot of coke. I wouldn't be able to afford smack much longer, either.

One day, I heard that Junky Robert and Tish had returned. Hallelujah. They owed me money from my investment. Saved! I ran to their house. They were still unpacking—or rather Tish was unpacking. Robert was teetering with his eyes closed and his arm about to drop a pile of clothes.

"Hi. How was your monsoon?" I said, coming in.

???a new window," exclaimed Robert, suddenly waking up. "Who did?"

"Hi. Heard about the runner?" asked Tish.

"No, tell me."

"She was stupid," said Robert, awake now. "We shouldn't have hired someone who'd never carried before. What an idiot!"

"What happened?"

"She got scared. Decided she couldn't do it," explained Tish.

"AFTER she boarded the plane. When she landed, she rushed out of the airport, leaving the suitcases going around the baggage wheel."

"You're kidding!"

"Tish was there to meet her. I never made it out of Bombay." One of Robert's eyes started to dose again.

"I watched the cases go around," said Tish. "The other passengers collected theirs, and ours kept circling. What could I do? I was outside the Customs area, watching through the glass partition. I couldn't get them."

"That must have been frustrating."

"Failure. I would've claimed them myself if I could have."

"So what happened?"

"The police picked her up at the hotel the next day," said Robert, struggling to open his eye.

"Why?"

"The dumb twit. The cases had her name on them. Of course the authorities were suspicious when no one claimed the bags. They searched 'em."

"So she was arrested anyway?"

"She would have been fine if she'd just done what she was supposed to. They never would have opened the bags."

"Did you get her out of jail?" I asked Tish.

"I visited her. Brought her five hundred dollars and hired a lawyer. So, anyway, we don't have your money."

Oh no! I wasn't saved after all. "What about the second woman?"

"She went through no problem," said Tish. "Her run covered my expenses, but we didn't make a profit."

By this time Robert had both eyes closed. . .

"We'll give you back your original investment," Tish assured me. "But not now. We have just enough money to last the season. Maybe in a few months. Don't worry, Cleo. We won't forget you."

Robert's head fell forward, plunging him back into consciousness.

"Where is what?" he asked.

The Three Sisters' restaurant had the reputation of being the only place in Anjuna Beach with chocolate pudding. This tasty delight cost less than a meal at Gregory's restaurant, so I began trekking there for a pudding dinner. I entered the restaurant and sat opposite Canadian Jacques.

"How's the pudding today?" I asked.

"A little runny, I think."

Suddenly I was struck by the graceful image of Jacques's waist-length hair cascading over his shoulder as he leaned toward his bowl. He wore velvet clothes in deep green. Silver jewellery fell from his neck and wrists. For an after-dinner snort, he used a rhinoceros-shaped silver spoon to 4; into a matching rhinoceros-shaped box. Jacques had style.

We teamed up. I spent my days at his place. No longer indulging in coke, I focused solely on the bhong. So did Jacques. The two of us hardly budged from the glow of the petromax, which lit the bhong area and little else. On arising we'd rush to the well for a hurried bath so we could rush back to the bhong. We were perfectly suited for each other. Neither of us wanted to be more than two feet from the dope. Nourishment came from quick trips to the Three Sisters' restaurant, after which we'd rush back for a smoke. When one of my gold inlays fell out, Jacques mode the supreme effort of coming with me to the dentist in Panjim He refused to accompany me, though, to the Panjim police station when I went to say hello to Inspector Navelcar.

That year brought a death to the beach. Pharaoh's girlfriend, Shere, died while giving birth. The Indian government insisted that her body be shipped to her country of origin.

Burying a Goa Freak away from her Goa home dismayed the Freak world.

"Has anyone heard more about Shere?" Jacques asked me and the visiting others sitting around his bhong.

"They mustn't send her back!" I said, letting out a lungful of smack smoke. "I'd hate for that to happen to me. I can't think of a worse fate than a traditional funeral in New York. No, no, no. This was her home. She belongs him. With the Goa Freaks."

"To be buried in the West. What a horrible thought," added Jacques. "That's not when: I belong. I never belonged there. I want no part of it. Not even in death."

"Yeah, man."

"Me either."

"Right on."

Catholic Goa forbade cremation, but that seemed the only way to prevent Shere from being dispatched to the world she'd rejected.

The next afternoon, Shere's body was laid out and covered from neck to toe in yellow flowers. Incense and sitar music filled the room as Goa Freaks paraded past to say goodbye.

"Hoo, boy—this is so sad."

"Doesn't she Look beautiful?"

"Robert, wake up!"

Then we dispersed to comb the area for kindling.

Returning with armloads of driftwood and coconut husks, Jacques and I ran into others carrying similar burdens. "Tee hee, I found this on the beach, but it's wet," said Mental, smiling at me. I smiled back. Goa Freaks didn't hold grudges long. We belonged to a intimate community, and communal feelings overcame petty resentments.

"Then it's not going to burn, Mental," said Jacques, "but add it to the pile anyway. The important thing is that there's a piece from each of us.

Near sunset, Pharaoh placed Shere on a wooden platform. He applied light; the fire caught. Since his house was situated on Joe Banana's hill, the smoke and flames could be seen throughout Anjuna Beach.

The Goa Freaks were satisfied. We'd prevented the government from shipping her back. Later Pharaoh threw Shere's ashes in the air, letting them blow over the beach she had called home. He kept the baby and took responsibility for Shere's two sons.

A few days later, while shopping at Paradise Pharmacy, I noticed a stock of plastic glucose bags, used in hospitals for intravenous drips. A brilliant idea zapped me.

"Jacques, Jacques," I said, excitedly pulling on his velvet sleeve. "How about a glucose party?" He shot me a French (French-Canadian) frown. "No, really," I continued. "Everybody looks so skinny lately and so droopy. This is just what they need!" I paused and added, "I don't want to go to another cremation."

I bought fifteen bags of the stuff—as many as Jacques and I could carry. I also bought the long needles and other paraphernalia, such as the cotton and alcohol. This would be a grand event. Maybe I couldn't afford a cocaine party, but I could still do something spectacular. Though glucose wouldn't make us stoned, it might improve our health. I’d amuse friends with the novelty of growing healthy together.

Back at the house I planned the party for the bedroom because, though the roof slanted to a point high above, horizontal beams crossed only seven feet from the floor.

Jacques didn't share my enthusiasm for the project. "You're serious about this glucose party? I don't know. I don't think anybody will show up."

"Sure they will. You'll see; this will be fantabulous."

Despite his lack of faith, Jacques helped me hang the glucose bags from a beam, placing them between the Laotian mobiles and the Laotian wedding canopy. We arranged fifteen pillows beneath the bags. I invited my guests—only those with intravenous experience. Let's see, who used needles? Junky Robert, yes, but Tish, no, so I didn't invite them. Eve, yes, but Neal was against needles, so I didn't invite them either. Norwegian Monica, no. Sasha, yes. Mental, of course. Jacques never used them, but he'd help host; and as hostess, I wouldn't participate either.

Jacques shook his head. "A glucose party! Nobody will come," he repeated.

But they did. Not one Person turned me down. A glucose party—an Anjuna Bach first. The affair was to last the three hours it took to drip a bag of glucose into one's vein. I moved the stereo upstairs. I had snacks catered from the chai shop.

Small problem—unlike a syringe, the L.V. setup was not structured to register a vein was hit (or maybe we just didn't know how it worked). You couldn't pull back a plunger to see if the needle had reached blood; the liquid went in one direction only—OUT. To make matters worse, since the bags hung seven feet overhead, by the time the glucose reached the needle, it was travelling fast. Very fast.

"Hey, Pin getting a bump!" said a guest as liquid surged into his arm, missed the vein, and collected under his skin.

"Tee hee, me too."

"How can you tell when you're in the vein?"

"I don't know WHERE this glucose is going, but it's definitely NOT going in my vein."

"Hey, this bump is growing really big!"

"Shit, man!"

"How do you stop this thing?"

Only Alehandro bit his vein. The rest of my party went home.

Later that night Jacques asked me, "So what will you do with all this glucose hanging from your rafters?" He could barely restrain the smile on his face.

I fervently wished I could afford coke.

And then the miracle of electricity happened. Workers brought power lines across the paddy fields to my little village. Though they'd already installed lines on Joe Banana's hill and the inland area, I didn't think they'd reach my secluded patch of sand, which held only eight houses and two  chai shops. But they did. Lino, the landlord, supervised as a wire was attached directly to myhouse. Graham, my English neighbour, and the Goans across the way assembled to watch the event. Jacques and I held hands.

When the man climbed down the ladder, we clapped.

The next day, Lino sent an electrician to hook up the inside of the house. Since ours was the last area to receive power lines, the current came on shortly after. Graham came by to inform me.

"Have you tried it yet?" he asked.

"The electricity? It's on? Yippee!" I skipped to the switch in the two story-high living room and flicked it on, but nothing happened. Graham, Jacques, and I stared at the bulb, as if encouraging it. "It doesn't work," I said finally in disappointment.

"Mine does," said Graham, gazing up with his neck craned back. "Your lights are so far away."

"It's the ceiling that's far away."

"I think it IS on," argued Jacques, who'd climbed the stairs to check the bulb from a closer spot. Graham and I joined him on the second floor landing. "See?"

"See what? I don't see anything."

"Look closely. See the orange line? That's the filament glowing."

"Yay! It works. I have electricity!"

I whooped and danced down the stairs. Graham made us bhongs in celebration.

When my elation had subsided, I noted, "Not terribly useful, though, is it? It doesn't do what it's supposed to—provide light."

"Well, there's only a tiny power plant, and everyone on the beach probably has their lights on. It might be better at night."

I rushed to Mapusa for new bulbs. I replaced the thirty-watt bulbs they'd installed with two-hundred-watters. It didn't make a difference. From nightfall till midnight, the electricity was useless. Only the slight orange glow in the centre of the bulb verified the presence of current. It gave no light whatsoever. After midnight, though, it grew stronger and stronger, and in the wee hours of morning the house radiated. Before midnight I needed kerosene lamps, but after midnight I had electricity. Immediately I converted the boudoir to a theatre. I painted a white rectangle in the centre of a blue wall to act as a screen and added more blue and green jungle-print mattresses. I placed the projector on a blue table. So far I'd only shown the movies in Bombay.

Since I'd stopped distributing coke to every visitor, the multitude of eager noses had stopped visiting. I missed the attention. Why not have a Movie Night?

I invited everyone—even Narayan. With Narayan and I living on the same beat. It, I decided to treat him as a friend—or pseudofriend at least. Besides, this way I could show him the house.

"Hi, Narayan. Welcome to Movie Night," I said as I opened the door for him.

"Friend?" he asked hesitantly.

"Friend." I took his hand. "Come see my flush toilet." I pulled him through the crowd and took him on a tour. I showed him the toilet and the safe behind the painting. "This is where I keep my drugs. Protected and cool, out of harm's way." I didn't open the closet door that exposed the blowtorched hole in the safe; I whisked Narayan upstairs to point out the linoleum. I struck a Momsy pose. "Isn't it beautiful?" I asked. "What kind of floor do you have?"

"Old Fashion-style—dong."

"Aw." I made a pitying face.

The doorbell rang continually—the new doorbell; the old one had rusted in the monsoon.

"Yo, the sheriff is HERE!"

There was Black Jimmy, star still pinned to his best. "Jimmy!" I exclaimed. "Come in."

"Hello, Miss Cleo," said the next guest.

Serge!

"This is Miss Mireille."

And his Frenchie! Oh, shit!

Since I had no coke of my own, I positioned myself next to people who had some. I accepted Sima's offer, then sat by Alehandro for a snort of his; then I joined Amsterdam Dean. I indulged in everyone's stash while I savoured playing the Grande dame.

When the lights had grown bright announcing that there was sufficient electricity, I showed the movies. A mob crowded into the "theatre" to watch. I loved showing my films with Narayan present; in forty minutes of footage from Bali, be star in a single shot!

"Look, Anjuna was just a baby then," said Laura as we watched. "Those castles we had at Kaiya Waiya were, like, far out," said Trumpet Steve.

"Yo, dorn’t you have shots of the sheriff?"

"Not in Bali," I told Jimmy. "You left the country before I started filming. I have you in Bangkok."

"Do you have the movies of our wedding?" asked Gigi, who was sitting on Marco's lap with her arms around his neck.

"Not yet. They're sent out of the country for developing. Takes forever."

"Show the poker game again," someone requested.

"Look at that—Serge demonstrating how to use a pig toilet!"

Everyone cheered as they watched Serge lower his pants and squat. The roar woke up Junky Robert. ". . . DID NOT!" he exclaimed indignantly.

"There's the poker game. Hey, Dayid, looks like you were losing."

"Yes, I confess to impecuniousness at the game's termination," Dayid answered. Ashley perched near him on a window ledge, her jade cigarette holder slanting daintily in the air.

"Hoo, boy—look at Mental snort that line."

"Where is Mental, anyway?" I asked, noticing his absence for the first time.

"Last time I saw him he was hiding under the bed."

"Under the bed? Uh-oh." I remembered his tendency to create havoc. "I'd better go check on him."

I entered the bedroom to see a huge lump in the centre of the room. In Coke Amuck paranoia Mental had crawled under the bed—but not just under the mattress; he'd burrowed under the carpet too. What terror had made him slink underground, turning tables upside down? The mountain, trailing pink and purple satin sheets, trembled. On the summit, velvet cushions wavered.

"Mental? Mental, is that you? What are you doing?"

I could barely hear the muffled voice under sheets, pillows, mattress, and carpet. "I'm alright. Tee hee, don't worry about me. Tee hee, tee hee."

Remembering what happened the last time he freaked out at house, I didn't trust him. I petitioned Alehandro for help.

"Ola, Mental. Que pasa?"

We strained to interpret the answer: "mmfdm nmmd, tee hee . . . mmdt tee hee, tee hee . . . dmsmsm alright."

Alehandro planted himself in a rocking chair and told me not to worry, he'd watch Mental and make sure he didn't destroy anything. I shrugged my shoulders and returned to the party, leaving the rocking Spaniard with the lump.

When everyone left, I surveyed the mess the maid would have to face. The refreshments had come from her family's  chai shop and would be added to my bill. Would they let me wait till next season to pay it? I wouldn't ask, though, until alter she had cleaned up.

"Where is my brass tobacco holder?" I asked Jacques. "The one with the skulls. It was right here. Do you see it somewhere?"

"That's where Eve and Neal were sitting," answered Jacques. "SHIT! Eve stole my bowl. I loved that bowl. Petra gave it to me."

By February the last of my cash had dwindled to nothing. I bought dope only when absolutely necessary, usually managing to scrounge from friends. As I apportioned the scrounging, I spent less time with Jacques. I didn't want him thinking I liked him only for his drugs, and socializing for a tum-on elsewhere took time.

Neal, usually my best source, was in worse shape than I. Nothing had worked for him, and he survived on the return of favours. By now, though, most debts had been repaid, and some people were even dodging him. Having a keep to at his side did not help his waning popularity. Pretty soon his landlord wanted to get rid of them, saying he had relatives who needed the room.

"Keo! Keo!" Neal's baby shouted in delight as I entered their home. The baby loved me. I didn't know why—I certainly wasn't a baby person. My appearance brought shouts of glee and a chorus of Keo! Keo! When I left, the baby cried.

"Hello, Ha," I said, patting her on the head.

"Yes, Keo's here," whispered Eve, none too happily.

When Neal told me of his housing plight, I invited him to stay with me. "I'll sleep on the waterbed in the front room and let you have the upstairs," I offered.

"Are you sure?" he asked. "I know you don't like people around all the time."

What could I do? Neal was my closest friend. I also felt guilty about a package I'd sent for him. He'd asked me to mail an envelope with dope to the States. I took it to the Panjim post office (again stopping to say hello to Inspector Navelcar). Not till my taxi was halfway back to Mapusa did I realize I'd forgotten to ask for a receipt. When they didn't have to give a receipt, Indian postal workers pocketed postage and threw away packages. I remembered this fact of Indian life but felt too lazy to go back and hassle with them. Maybe they'd send it anyway.

They didn't. The package never reached its destination. I hadn't told Neal about forgetting the receipt. After the reports about my ripping off Mental and Giuliano, I feared Neal would think I had never sent the envelope and had kept the dope for myself. By inviting Neal and his crew to five in my home, I hoped to make up for ruining his scam. Besides, I couldn't leave a friend in distress to battle the elements on his own. I wasn't looking forward to having Eve underfoot, though. There went my belongings. Even less appealing was the thought of a baby in the house. Ugh! I hated kids.

I divided the house in two, giving Neal, Eve, and Ha the second floor, which could be entered from outside. Ideally, with the door shut at the top of the stairs, it would make two separate apartments.

Not to be. The connecting doors remained opened, and first thing every morning, the baby woke up and descended the stairs with the sole purpose of irritating me. The bracelet of bells Ha wore on one ankle aggravated the situation. In the midst of a peaceful sleep I'd hear TLING! step TLING! step TLING! step as the horrid creature came down the stairs. Half asleep and fuming, I'd think, "Don't come in here, you. Don't you dare bother me." But the little beast considered me her Aunt Keo and thought I was just wonderful.

TLING! step TLING! step. The sound would grow louder, and I could tell when Ha was in the living room. TLING! step. Oh, Fuck! Don't come near me. A pause. I'd hold myself still so she wouldn't hear a rustle and remember me. Maybe she'd go away. TLING! step. Oh, no. I'd hold my breath as she peeped in the doorway near where I had been sleeping. My eyes would he shut tight. A pause. And then, "KEO!" would be shouted deafeningly in my ear, followed by annoying, childish laughter.

I really hated kids.

Fortunately Neal had a jar of liquid Opium that almost made their presence worthwhile. The amount I consumed daily shocked him.

"What happened to this jar!" he said once. "It's half empty. You're not eating that much Opium by yourself, are you? It's not possible for one person to consume that much. You do more than both Eve and I together. I'm quitting soon. Maybe next month."

I was changing physically. I perceived a shift in my energy level. I wanted only to sit around. I didn't want to sunbathe on the beach. I didn't want to tour the flea market. I didn't want to chat with the crowd at Joe Banana's. I didn't want to answer the door and receive visitors. I didn't want to do much of anything. I wanted to stay in one place with a good book. True, I could no longer afford the stimulation of coke, but I didn't think that lack of coke was the only reason for my sluggishness. Maybe the smack caused it? My low energy level seemed characteristic of many Anjuna Beach residents.

Fewer and fewer Anjuna people made appearances at beach parties. Or they came and left fast, preferring the private parties where one's stash didn't have to be shared with so many others.

"Where is everybody?" I asked Sasha one night on the beach as I climbed on stage and found a bunch of strangers.

"Well, there's the usual crowd smoking bhongs at Alehandro's," he answered. "The Italians are smoking bhongs at Gigi and Marco's, and the French at Bernard and Sima's. Who are you looking for?"

"I don't know. Anybody. Familiar faces." I watched the gyrations of the unknown horde. "Who are these people, anyway?"

"Newcomers living on other beaches. I don't know them either," said Sasha. "I guess I haven't been out much lately."

I looked at the people clustered around candles and said, "I remember when I knew everyone here." A spinning stranger brushed my forehead with fringes. I could no longer dance for hours the way I used to. Neither could Norwegian Monica, I noticed. In the past Monica had been a conspicuous figure, dancing wildly till dawn at every party.

"Monica, you leaving?" I asked as I saw her heading for the rocks. "You used to dance all night."

She winked at me. "Now I smoke bhongs all night."

*

From then on I hardly ever left the house. As long as I had opium I preferred to stay home and read. Neal would leave in the afternoon and come back at night to find me in the same spot.

"Have you been here all day?" he asked once. "You haven't moved from that pillow for weeks. Are you okay?"

He was worried about me.

When I heard that someone taught Tai Chi every evening at sunset, I decided to join. The Tai Chi I'd seen at the Rajneesh ashram had awed me with its slow beauty. Now I left the house every day for an hour. At least Neal stopped looking at me as if I were a vegetable that had rooted in the living room.

Sometimes I relished having Neal in the house. Occasionally he joined me downstairs while Eve spaced out upstairs and Ha played by herself. We'd chat. I loved the way he shook his bangs and peered through them laughingly. He always seemed bursting with amusement. We had him even in the absence of the CLICK, CLICK chopping of the powder we could no longer afford.

"So, cutie, how's your momsy?" he'd ask as we looked deeply at each other and sat dose.

"Momsy's fine. I just got a letter from her—on ancient Tiffany’ stationery with our old address gouged into it."

Sometimes he'd brush my hair and I'd brush his.

Still, having Eve and the baby there irked me endlessly. Around the time I began to think I'd strangle Ha or throw her out the window at the very least, Neal decided to head for Bombay. He and I made a tour of Eve's belongings to retrieve the things she'd stolen, and then they left. What a relief—though I was sorry to lose the opium.

Meanwhile my last rupee had left too. Forget about putting a scam together—how would I eat? Or pay the maid? The situation was critical. I lived on credit. I had a bill at Gregory's restaurant. I had a bill at Joe Banana's. I had an enormous bill with the maid's family on top of what I owed her in wages. I had to do something—immediately.

I met John.

"Is it true you have a flush toilet in your house?" were the first words he said to me. We were at Dayid and Ashley's, where I sat waiting to be passed a bhong. John, a small and skinny American with two braids hanging to his waist, had an intensity in his eyes that blazed across the room. Smart. This was one intelligent guy. Adorable too. We became inseparable. The first time he came to my door, he had an apple in his mouth and a dumb crocodile on his shirt. So I named him Applecroc.

Applecroc shared a house on the other side of the paddy field with Little Lisa. Little Lisa had recently turned eighteen but had been living in Goa since she was eleven, after being abandoned by her mother in Kathmandu. She and John had turned up, and John had been taking care of her ever since. She certainly didn't seem to need someone taking care of her anymore. Dealing with Little Lisa required extreme caution; no one would describe her as mild mannered. Sometimes I slept at John's, which wasn't comfortable, because I'd have to face Lisa the next day.

"HEY, JOHN," came her grating voice first thing in the morning from two rooms away. "Where the fuck is the herbal shampoo?"

"I don't know. I didn't use it," he answered.

"Then who the fuck did?" Her head speared the strings of glass beads in the doorway, and she glared at me. "Did you take the fucking shampoo?"

"Hope, hasn't me."

"Then where the fuck did it go, man?"

I liked it never when John stayed at my place—but then, of course. Little Lisa would soon drop by.

"HEY, JOHN," would come the voice through the window, not waiting for me to open the door. "I thought you were coming right the fuck back. Where's my kerosene?"

"I forgot about it. Sorry," John said. Then he added, "Well, get it yourself."

"Fuck you, man. The fucking light ran the fuck out of kerosene in the middle of the night." She laughed. "Look at my foot, man." Her whole leg came through the window bars. "Covered in fucking wax from the goddamn fucking candle I had to use." Theirs was one of the houses that hadn't yet been electrified.

Despite Lime Lisa I found John terrific, and the fact that he needed a runner for a trip he planned sealed the relationship into a partnership. Since we were, romantically involved, the proceeds would be split fifty-fifty, and meanwhile I shared the dope he had with him.

Saved after all! Maybe I wouldn't be the last one off the beach this year.

In no time I packed up the house, and the three of us—yes. Little Lisa came too-moved to Bombay.

"HEY, JOHN, will you get the fuck over here and Lift this goddamn fucking bag off the goddamn fucking baggage rack."

Unlike others, John didn't get hung up in the Bombay scene—no Bombay Syndrome for this guy. And, unlike everybody else, he didn't tell his business to the whole world. John was smart. Within days we flew to Bangkok—without Lisa, thankfully—and John contacted his Thai connection. He bought a kilo of heroin, which came packed in a plastic bag with the logo of the heroin's brand name "Double-UO Globe": two lions on hind legs holding the world.

John had a clever method for carrying cargo—inside the plastic Frame of a paint kit. The kit's prize feature was that it was hollow and had an air hole.

Now the work began, shoving powder through the tiny opening. It took three days. One of us held a paper funnel to the hole while the other poured the dope and pushed it through. A long and tedious job. A perpetual cloud of while dost hung over the room.

During this time I polished my story for Customs in case they questioned me. It was wise to be prepared, especially when coming from the East. I invented a new angle—(hat I was returning to the States after travelling with my fiancé, an entomologist. I figured that since etiologists voyaged to strange places in search of strange insects, it would seem plausible that one's fiancé had visited the countries stamped on my Passport. I'd once hitchhiked with an entomologist in Israel, from Tel Aviv to Nueba. He had stopped every few miles to scamper through the bushes with a butterfly net. It took two days to make a journey that could have been done in hours. A memorable character.

Crossing borders in the past, I'd always carried my portfolio of modelling pictures to give myself legitimacy. Now I added the part about helping my fiancé by accompanying him in his work and drawing pictures of his insects. Every day I went to the library to look up bugs and copy them. By the time we were ready to leave Bangkok, I had a booklet of them, intricately drawn and coloured, neatly catalogued and described. There was Monochamus notatus, Phyllium scythe, Linognathus vituli . . . I was prepared for any Customs' question.

John and I did stay in Bangkok longer than absolutely necessary. But after Goa, one always desired to indulge in the luxuries of civilization: Peking dock, Toblerone, cheese fondue, air conditioning. Now THAT was living. John and I capered through the American-style supermarkets like tourists at the Louvre. We'd stop and poke—picking up an instant mix, a pretty jelly, a flashy box. Squeezing, smelling, shaking. Look at this! Wow! What a cute label. So many brands of cereal. Oo, oo ketchup!

Thailand also had American TV programs dubbed in Thai, with the English soundtrack on the radio. "M.A.S.H." on TV and ketchup on my hamburger—now that was civilized. John and I cackled over a new American sitcom called "Soap."

Finally it was time to leave the comforts of Bangkok. With the paint kit filled to capacity, John sealed the hole with glue and covered it with a circle of green felt designed to stick to the bottom of lamps to prevent them from scratching table tops. The kit looked good, really good. Still reasonably light, and if you knocked on it, it sounded hollow. Perfect.

But we had a large amount of dope left over. What to do with it?

"We can't take it with us, and we don't want to throw it away."

"Maybe we could leave it somewhere for next time. And the bhong. What do we do with the bhong?"

"Could we hide it?"

We looked around the room for inspiration. Hmm. Behind a curtain? Under the bed? The hotel maid was sure to stumble across it. John checked the bathroom "Hey, c'mere. Look at this," he said. He'd found a compartment in the wooden frame encasing the bathtub. A door in the wood opened to the space beneath the tub. "How about leaving the dope in there?" he asked.

"The inaA might find it."

"Why would anyone look inside this thing?"

"What if the tub clogs or something?"

"The pipes aren't under here. There's nothing but dirt. We could push it way in the back. It's so dark down there you'd only be able to reach it by feeling around. It's better than throwing the stuff away. Even the bhong will fit in there."

"We must remember what room this is."

So we left the bhong and a couple ounces of dope stashed beneath the tub of room 409 at the Royal Hotel. Instead of heading directly to it we thought it would be more cool to go via Nepal. I'd never been there and looked forward to seeing the place Petra and my old boyfriend Chic from Bali considered home. We'd fly separately to Kathmandu, with me leaving first and John arriving a day later. I booked a flight at a time of day deemed advantageous for passing through the airport without being hassled.

As usual I thrilled at visiting a new country. The mountains! They rose unbelievably high. As we neared Kathmandu, though the plane was above the clouds, one mountain in the distance rose higher than the plane. Hey, wow—I'm in the Himalayas!

I checked into the Woodlands Hotel and set out to find Freak Street, which I'd heard about. For transportation I took a bicycle-rickshaw, sitting on a tarn plastic seat as a Nepalese pedalled through town. We passed under an arch painted with one large eye, a religious symbol. A compound of stupas turned out to be my destination, and the driver showed me the way to Freak Street from there. Stores catering to foreigners lined the road. But the only place vaguely resembling a hangout was a café called Don't Pass Me By. Was this the fabulous Kathmandu? Freak Street disappointed me. I didn't run into anyone I knew. Nor did I find the flourishing Freak scene I'd expected.

I waited for John. A few days went by. Then a week. Where was he? Every day I checked Poste Restante. Nothing. Every day I checked Reception. No calls. No inquiries. No telegrams. My personal stash ran out, and I had to break into the paint kit for more. Then I ran out of cash. Shit, I'd have to sell some dope to pay for the hotel. Where was Applecroc?

I'd met few people. My best contact was an American woman, Nikki, who lived in a guest house with her sexy Nepalese boyfriend. I sold Nikki a couple of grams. Sometimes I hung out in her room. But actually, Kathmandu seemed dead to me. Where was that great Freak scene I'd heard about? Maybe this was the wrong season? What had happened to John? I was worried.

Another week went by, bringing with it a crazy holiday where people threw red paint and water out their windows. Two blocks from the hotel an entire bucket of water landed on my head. I didn't find it nearly as amusing as the people in the street, my rickshaw driver, and the desk clerk at the hotel. Applecroc, where are you?

Finally, after I'd begun to panic over John's disappearance, I spotted his familiar braids bobbing down the street. "APPLECROC!" I yelled, jumping on him and taking a bite of pigtail. Oh, my Applecroc. "Where've you BEEN?"

"I was delayed in Bangkok waiting to hear from Lisa," he told me, "but I've been in Kathmandu three days. The desk clerk at the Woodlands said you weren't registered there. I've been looking all over for you."

"The moron! How typical."

"Bastard!"

John had a room in another hotel, and I moved in with him.

"I brought you a surprise from Bangkok," he said, pulling his taps recorder out of a suitcase.

"What, what?"

"I taped the last episode of "Soap" for you. Wait till you hear. They arrested Jessica for murdering the tennis pro."

John had been in Nepal before, so he knew the scene better than I did. He took me to a suburb called Swayambuh, where the Freaks hang out. Now Kathmandu was much better.

For my birthday we went to the fancy Yak and Yedi Hotel. A fountain bubbled outside, and John handed me a Nepalese coin. "Here, make a birthday wish."

"Oo, okay." I hell the coin and considered what I wanted. What could I wish for? I had everything. Everything I'd ever wanted—a wonderful home in a fantasy paradise, a wonderful Freak community to belong to. My life was the best. To wish for more would have been greedy. I gave the coin back to John. "Applecroc, I already have it all."

Soon I was on the move again. While John flew directly to Bombay, I returned to India by way of Benares, the most sacred spot in the country and an inconspicuous point of entry. In my role as tourist I stayed a few days.

Interesting place. Benares was where, if possible, Indians went to die. No bigger than a large village, its streets were lined six deep with dying bodies. Some lay side by side on cots; some sat up, holding themselves as if in pain; others coughed thickly. Many of those prostrate in the sun looked as if they'd already made the transition to corpse. Matter of fact, they looked liked they'd been dead for days. I wondered if a government official periodically searched the prone masses to remove those who'd achieved their holy aim.

John and I timed it so we arrived in Bombay the same day.

"HEY JOHN, it took you goddamn long enough to get the fuck back!"

Back in Bombay with Little Lisa.

Since John didn't want every Goa Freak knowing the details of his business, we didn't go hotel hopping. We avoided the Bombay social scene. Instead our days were filled with food and comic books. And Lisa. Lots of Little Lisa. The only person who discovered our location was Gigi.

Gigi and her daughter were in town while her new husband, Marco, conducted business in Europe. Meanwhile Gigi had started fixing coke; in fact, she seemed to fix it compulsively. Whatever money she'd had on arriving in Bombay had been spent on coke, and she now rushed from hotel room to hotel room hustling turn-ons. She looked disarrayed. Gigi had gone Coke Amuck.

It was amazing how coke crazies discovered sources and acquired coke whether or not they could afford it. Gigi's finding us in Bombay proved her mystery.

"John, you can give me a stash for later?" she asked on a visit to our room.

John did, but he turned down her request for a hundred rupees. John, Lisa, and I were short of cash.

Since we needed a chunk of money to finance the trip West with our product, the inevitable long stay in Bombay did materialize. For weeks John and I loafed in the room, eating Danish pastries from the Taj Mahal Hotel and reading Asterix comics that we rented from a comic book store on Marine Drive. Alas, Lisa paid a daily visit. For dinner John and I went to a Chinese restaurant in Colaba, and, of course, Lisa came with us.

"Stupid goddamn buffs, man," Lisa would exclaim loudly—"buffs" being short for buffaloes, a derogatory term for Indians. "I told the goddamn fucking buff to bring me ONE GLASS OF ICE and ONE BOTTLE OF CAMPA COLA. SEPARATELY! And look at this—every fucking time, man. The stupid buff pours the goddamn soda IN to the goddamn fucking glass! Now I'll have a goddamn watery fucking cola by the time the fucking food arrives."

Once, while returning from the Chinese restaurant, we spotted Gigi through our taxi's window. We watched her run down the street with her little girl as if chased by demons. "That reminds me," I said. "I have to pick up the movie of her wedding."

Just as our taxi turn ed the corner out of view, we saw leap a curb, her legs opening like scissors. The little girl fell.

"Hey, John, she's probably on the fucking way to your room to hustle more coke," Lisa speculated.

"Again? She was just there this afternoon."

After a month of pastries, crispy wonton, Lisa, Gigi, and more comic books than I'd read in my life, money arrived from somewhere, and we were set to forge ahead.

I chose Portugal as my midway point, since I'd never been there and it seemed an innocuous country. I'd stop there for a new passport. We didn't have money for my entire trip, so the plan called for Lisa to arrive in the States first and cable me funds in Portugal. John would meet me in New York.

Arriving in Lisbon, excited over seeing a new country, I checked into a pension. Next I found a candy store. Then I went to the embassy. I presented them with my old passport covered in red nail polish.

"I'm sorry, look what happened in my bag," I said. "Nail polish leaked on my clothes too. Ruined everything."

While waiting for the money from Lisa, I explored the City. I joined a bullfight tour and buried my head in my bag to snort dope. The Japanese tourist next to me never noticed. Olé!

A week later, my travelling stash of dope ran out. I had to break into the paint kit again. Luckily I had a supply of the green things to cover the hole. I'd learned that in Kathmandu. After another week, the money ran out. Where was Little Lisa with the funds? Soon I could no longer afford the pension. Now what? I needed a free place to stay. How long would I be stranded in Portugal?

When I'd first gone to the embassy for the passport. I'd met two Marines stationed there. They'd invited me to visit the Marine House, an estate where they lived and threw parties. I accepted their invitation and heard about a bar frequented by American servicemen. Now I decided to visit the bar in search of someone to put me up. Maybe I could stay at the Marine House. Might be interesting.

Within an hour of entering the bar, I found myself an attractive Marine. For sure, he wasn't my usual type—hair only an inch long, jeepers—but something about him stimulated me anyway. Though his he-man attitude partly turned me off, I was also turned on. That night I went home with my Marine, and the next day I moved into his apartment.

Little by little I told him about of my life. India. The Freak scene. Drugs.

Soon, Marine realized he'd gotten more than he'd bargained for. "You have WHAT in that paint kit?" he asked, a look of shock on his face.

Poor Marine.

But not long after that, the money arrived. I'm sure he was relieved to see me go.

Hair fashioned ladylike on top of my head, paint kit sealed with a new green thing, I boarded the flight to New York. Once upon a time I'd cautioned myself never to fly directly into the States, since that was my home country and that's where Customs would be hardest on me Oh, well.

On reaching the New York Customs table, I knew I was in trouble. "Where are you coming from?" the Customs man asked.

"Portugal."

He glanced quickly, without really looking, at my passport. "You haven't been to India?" he asked next.

"No."

Shit! He knew! He wouldn't have asked about India if he hadn't known I'd been there. How had they found out? They knew . . . about India, yes, but what else? Maybe not everything.

Try not to be the enemy, I told myself. I changed my story. "Yes, I've been to India."

He still didn't open my bag. A bad sign, since they were opening everybody else's. "Why did you tell me you hadn't been there?" he asked.

"Well, uh, you see, I've been living in the East . . ." I scrambled to invent something plausible. "My fiancé works there. He's an entomologist. I draw his insects—want to see?" The inspector didn't look the least bit interested. "Uh . . . well, anyway, every time I've come back to the States I've had a hard time going through Customs. I'm always detained for HOURS. So, since I had to get a new passport, I thought I could just skip that part about travelling in the East, so I wouldn't have to spend the whole day here." I tried to look foolish instead of terrified. "I'm sorry. I guess it was an asinine idea."

I didn't notice him signal anybody, but guards suddenly flocked around me. He still hadn't touched my bag.

"You changed your passport in Lisbon?"

"No, no! My old one got destroyed. A nail polish bottle opened in my bag and ruined it. It ruined other things too. That's when I thought of the idea to say I came from Europe. Really, I know it was silly, but you've no idea how much trouble I have at airports when I say I'm coming from the East. Here, let me show you the insects."

I didn't get the chance to display my art work. The Customs official handed my passport to a man in uniform.

"Take her to the back room. You go with him."

Airport security officials surrounded me, and one picked up my suitcase. I followed them to an area most passengers never see, a room with a metal counter along one wall. My luggage was piled there and opened. One man and one woman remained with me.

Oh, shit—I was dead.

Be cool, I thought to myself. Don't admit anything until you absolutely have to. Maintain. Hold on to it. Don't lose it yet. See where it goes. Internally, everything trembled, but externally I managed to hold my pieces together. I had control over my body. It didn't shake. I didn't wring my hands. My face didn't look petrified. I looked apologetic, resigned and understandably concerned Sighing audibly, I made a wide gesture and placed one hand on my hip while leaning suavely against the metal counter. I shook my head, pursed my lips, and gazed at the floor, "I did a dumb thing, I know," I said.

"Where is he?" one uniformed person asked the other.

"He's coming."

"Uh-oh," I tried to say in a joking manner. "Who's coming?"

"The Carver."

They were joking back at me.

Half-heartedly the woman feigned a search through the luggage, but obviously the real deal would happen with The Carver, whoever that was. She ran her finger over some clothes and unzipped my make-up kit She moved aside a pair of shoes. She examined the outfit on my souvenir matador doll. Her hand encountered the paint kit. And then moved on. The kit hadn't caused her to register the slightest alert Her body hadn't stiffened in suspicion She'd come upon it and moved beyond.

"You wart to empty this suitcase now?" she said. She wasn't asking a question. "Put everything on the side there."

Panic was in me. I felt it But I didn't let it express itself. I remained poised and responsive. She hadn't flashed on the paint kit. Now if only I could continue to keep it firm their awareness. They mustn't notice it.

I removed items from the case, listening to their voices behind me. They were talking to each other and only half watching me. To stall, I folded articles as I took them out and stacked them neatly on the counter. I concentrated on the sound of their words and waited for them to be aimed in another direction. The moment came. If their eyes pointed where their voices projected, they weren't looking at me. Keeping the paint kit covered with a velvet dress, I lifted it out and placed it among my other belongings.

"Here he is! Here's the man himself."

Unmistakably The Carver, the man came in holding a knife. "Here I am," he said.

"A-ha," I said lightly. "Now you must be The Carver. I can tell." I smiled at him.

"The Carver? Is that what they called me?"

Though half joking with me, he was serious as he set to work on my poor suitcase. He demolished it. Cut it up. Ripped the lining out. Made sweeping stabs at its defenceless sides. The thing was in shreds, dappled with see-through holes and protruding slivers of wood.

But The Carver didn't find anything. They appeared disappointed "There’s nothing here. You can pack up."

"I can go?"

"You can go. I’m sorry about the suitcase. Only doing what I get paid to, you know."

"Oh, that's okay," I said, feeling Born Again. "Hey, listen, I deserved it Shouldn't have lied about being in India Stupid of me."

The Carver probably thought the other two had carefully searched my things, and they probably thought the man a the Customs desk had done the search. I couldn't pack fast enough. No neat folding now. I did use caution with the paint kit though It was not too late for someone to flash on it if it were seen. Again I listened for the direction of the voices behind me, but I could tell they weren't paying me any attention.

Somebody helped carry the mass of tom leather and wood that no longer functioned as a suitcase. In the taxi leaving the airport, I released the emotions I'd been holding in.

Oh my god—that was dose!

I was supposed to meet John at a nearby airport hotel I stayed there overnight but in the morning decided to wait for him a Momsy's. The room rates were high aid those timed encounters never seemed to work I bought a new suitcase but kept the slaughtered hulk so I could show John what the Carver had done.

In front of her frosted antique mirror, posing with a leg on a chair and an arm curled before her, Momsy asked me, "Well?"

"Well, what?"

"Can't you tell? Look a this muscle! I joined a health club. What do you think?"

In the four days I stayed with her, she never noticed the shipwrecked-looking suitcase.

Though I'd left a message for John at the hotel, I phoned every day to check if he'd arrived. From the Kathmandu experience I'd learned not to trust desk clerks. American desk clerks proved to be of a different character, though for John did get my message and phoned as soon as he had registered.

"Hi," came the warm voice from a face I could tell was smiling. "Applecroc! I missed you."

"How are you? I low was your trip?"

"Terrible! Wait till I tell you."

When John picked me up, I showed him the leftover shreds of the case. "They were waiting for me," I told him. He caught his lower lip with his teeth and raised his eyebrows. "They knew I was coming from India. How did they know that?"

Both of us lifted our shoulders and shook our heads.

"Computer?" suggested John. "They probably have us all in a computer."

"Did you have trouble getting in?"

"No."

"So! And I wasn't coming from the East. I came from Portugal. A harmless little country. I don't get it."

"Did anybody in Lisbon know what you were doing? Maybe somebody informed on you."

I thought of Marine, but he knew where the dope was hidden. If it had been him, they'd have gone straight for the paint kit. "No, I don't think so. Besides, they weren't looking for powder. They were looking for hash in the exact place I used to carry it—built into the sides of the case. Too bad for them; they were two years too Tate."

"That girl you sent who went down at Heathrow. You've been writing her in jail, haven't you? They might have your name from that."

"Lila! Her cases did have hash in the sides. Maybe. Anyway, I'm finished in the West. I can't run this route anymore. Not even to Europe. However it happened, they know me now. I only go East. Australia's probably okay. Anywhere but here . . . Unless I use another name. . ."

John's connection lived in Washington, D.C., and that's where we went. Or rather we went to a Sheraton outside of Washington. Way outside. In the sticks. I hated it right away.

"What a boring place," I complained. "How Long are we going to be here?"

"Until I sell the dope. A few weeks. Then we can go to San Francisco."

"San Francisco! Great! I’ve never been there. Can't wait."

The weeks in Washington dragged on and on. What a horrible, pokey place. I grew irritable. "I hate Washington," I said every day. "Why would anyone want to five here?"

"Actually we're in Maryland."

"Figures."

Another week. Then another week. I was sick of the hotel room. I was sick of John's doll friends. I was sick of the train ride into town.

"Listen," I said to him one day. "Why don't I meet you in San Francisco? I can't take this place anymore. Besides, I've had an idea. I want a passport in a different name. It might take time for me to get one, so I should start right away."

Much of the dope had been sold, so John gave me my share of the earnings. I spent two days turning tens and twenties into hundred-dollar bills.

John accompanied me to the airport. He laughed because I'd hidden my stash inside my Body.

"This is America," he said in a mocking voice. "They don't frisk you for weapons here. Especially not on domestic flights. They use metal detectors." He smirked. "Welcome to the developed world."

"Oh, right. I forgot about the metal detectors. Force of habit."

We kissed goodbye a thousand times. I would miss him. "You'll he coming soon?"

"Maybe the end of the week. Call me?"

"Every day."

In San Francisco I checked into a skyscraper in the centre of town. Now this was a place to five! Not like Maryland—ugh. This place had everything, and I wanted to  do everything. I found a frisky club to hang out in at night. I found a connection for cheap and excellent brown dope. I bought two films to show in Goa, The Blob and The Thing That Swallowed the Earth. I  planned to have the elephant tattoo on my foot coloured in.

John didn't arrive at the end of the week. Not the week after.

I started proceedings for acquiring a passport under a different name. I'd come across the way to do it in the novel The Day of the Jackal. First I had to find the name of someone who'd been born near my birth date and who died shortly after, before developing a history. Then I had to apply for a copy of the birth certificate. From there it was a matter of building identification.

I began at a cemetery. I perused tombstones, checking dates. When I passed a man walking the other way, we looked at each other sympathetically. I chose a girl who'd died at the age of four.

Next stop was the newspaper office. To find my "parents" name and maiden name, I examined old editions around the date of death. That done, I needed identification. I applied for a library card under the girl's name. A receipt for the cleaners . . .

When I'd collected a few such pieces, I went to the Records Office and asked for a copy of my birth certificate. "My mother can't find the original," I told the helpful clerk. "We've looked ALL over the house. Searched the entire attic twice!"

I was amazed when he actually handed me a new certificate. I couldn't believe how cosy it was. It had taken less than an hour.

But I needed more identification than that for a passport. A driver's license would be good. I didn't think I remembered how to drive, though, and anyway, that would take too long. Someone told me about a non driver's license, specifically for identification.

"But they take forever to get," the friend told me. "Five or six weeks. Unless you go outside the city. I knew someone in Oregon who got one the same day."

I called Oregon. Yes, the phone voice affirmed, I could acquire a nondriver's license the day I applied.

First thing one morning, I flew to Oregon. Cute little state. Very efficient. Wouldn't want to five there, though. When I boarded the evening flight back to San Francisco, I had a new piece of identification. It had my picture and everything. Neat.

Now, in possession of the proper materials, I went to apply for a passport. Unfortunately something blew into my left eye on the way to the government office. I stopped in a doorway to pluck it out but couldn't find it. The nasty thing pained me mercilessly, and when I turned in the application, I was holding a tissue to my red and runny eye.

"I need the passport as soon as possible," I told the official. "Must meet my fiancé, the entomologist, right away in Paris. It's at emergency."

The man accepted the documents and said he'd have it ready by the end of the week.

In the meantime I frequented the frisky club, spoke nightly to John, and contacted an old friend in Los Angeles.

"Why don't you come visit me," she said. "San Francisco isn't far from here."

Great. Who knew how long I'd have to wait for John? I told her I'd be there Friday, as soon as I picked up the new passport.

Thursday night I received a warning. I received a warning but didn't pay attention to it. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. And I'd always been so heedful of warnings!

It came from the hotel desk clerk. He called me. Said he thought I should know that two F.B.I. agents had been asking questions about me. A superb warning. I should have listened to it. I should have checked out immediately and into another hotel under a different name. I should have stopped everything and reassessed my every involvements. I should have. Two years earlier I would have. But I didn't.

On Friday morning I packed an overnight bag to take to Los Angeles. Out of habit I inserted my travel dope inside my body. I remembered the metal detectors. Oh, well.

I deposited the bag in the lobby to be picked up on the way to the airport, then went to the passport bureau and turned in my receipt. "Is the passport ready?" I asked.

The man looked at the slip of paper and told me to have a seat. I'd be called. Before sitting, I left the room for a kiosk I'd noticed down the hall to buy myself a Three Musketeers.

Candy in hand, I turned around with my change and saw three men in suits charging down the hallway. They stopped when they spotted me, looked relieved, and strode over waving badges.

Oh, shit.

"Is this your application?" One man had my passport application in his hand. He also held the nondriver's license with the phoney name and my real picture. No use denying anything, was there? My body tingled as fear coursed through it. The air became thick and difficult to breathe. "You have the right to remain silent."

Oh my god. Time turned weird, and in slow motion one of the men held my hands together and fastened them with handcuffs.

As the air and my body returned to normal, I found myself being led through the lobby of the government building. Handcuffed and surrounded by three men who looked like presidential bodyguards, I thought I'd the of embarrassment as people turned to watch us pass. I was wearing a blue knit top with two-foot-long fringes. With difficulty I manoeuvred the fringes until they fell over my arms and hid the handcuffs from view. By the time the four of us squeezed into an elevator, only a fringe-covered bulge could be seen in front of my body.

We alighted to an area I never imagined existed in that building. After passing several guards and metal doors, I was led to a section of barred cubicles and was locked in an empty cell. The place felt deserted. No sounds of shuffling or shifting came from the other cells. It would have been more comforting to have someone to talk to or an eye to catch through the bars. I tried to engage the guards in conversation when they came to look at me, but it seemed they wanted only a brief ogle and went eager to return to their own company to discuss me among themselves.

My brain now seemed to be working too fast, and I couldn't think or plan or form a strategy—maybe because there wasn't anything to plan? The future—next week, tomorrow, the next five minutes—was blank.

For lunch they brought me a delicious sandwich I couldn't eat. My stomach wasn't working either.

Eventually a man and a woman came and collected me like a piece of baggage. They signed for me, ushered me down corridors, and talked about me as if I were an inanimate object to be shipped. The elevator took us to a parking lot, but before placing me in the back seat of the car, they added a chain around my waist that fastened to the handcuffs. Though we were in an unmarked car, I felt that every person in the street noticed me, the chained thing in the back seat. Was I breathing?

They escorted me to a tall building and propelled me into a whirlwind—questions, fingerprints, an appearance before a judge that happened so fast I had no idea what was said. When they took my picture I tried to regain myself by striking a dramatic pose—head cocked, lips pursed like Marilyn Monroe. Someone giggled, but someone else said we had to do again, and this time without my theatrics. My belongings were searched, taken somewhere, and searched again; then I was placed in a tiny cubicle with another woman prisoner and toll to undress.

"Now what?" I asked my fellow captive, as she seemed experienced at this.

"Body search," she answered. "If you have anything inside you, you better get rid of it. It'll be worse for you if they find something."

Shit! As it was I couldn't believe the good fortune that my stash hadn't been in my handbag. And luckier still, I had a good-sized supply of dope with me. What great timing that they'd arrested me on the way to the airport, and that I had—unnecessarily and out of habit—stored a travelling cache of goodies inside me. I had no intention of flushing it down the toilet now. Drugs were not involved in the situation so far. For me to get dope sick would change the nature of the crime. I had to save the stash.

In a hurried frenzy I dog it out of my vagina and shoved it up my ass. If Mental could do that, so could I. OW! Hey, that hurt. How in the world had Mental stuffed half a pound up there?

When they body-searched me, they found nothing. They couldn't search that other compartment. Next I was given ugly, horrible clothes. Pants, of all things! I never wore pants—ugh! And underwear! They wanted me to wear underwear! They put a hospital-type bracelet on and deposit in the detention hall.

Barred cells with their doors open lined two sides of the long room. Some of the fifty or so women watched television; some played cards; some just sat around.

Within minutes mealtime came, and the women took seats around centre tables. The food was wheeled in. It hadn't been long since I'd left India, and so Western food still impressed me enormously. "WOW!" I exclaimed to those at my table. "This is dinner? Hey, this is fantastic. Oh, yum. Mmmm . . . delicious! Oh, boy!"

My enthusiasm for dinner stunned my fellow prisoners, to say the least. A few snickered. Friends looked at each other and rolled their eyes. "YUM! Oh, yowee."

Someone at the next table craned her head and stared. The woman across from me scooped her corn and dumped it on my plate.

"Oo," I chirped. "Are you sure you don't want this? I haven't had corn in years. Wow, thank you so much! Oh, YUM!"

An older woman let her fork clatter to her plate as she stopped eating to watch me. Smiling in wonder, she shook her head.

"And is that a Twinkie? Oh, wow, this is a banquet!"

They were greatly amused. I also noticed that a ferocious-looking Hack woman no longer had malice on her face as she looked at Inc. It had softened to pity for the nut case.

"What are you?" one woman asked. "Federal or state?"

I had no idea what she was talking about. It gave them final proof that I was a lost cause. "What's that?" I inquired.

"Are you a federal prisoner or a state prisoner?"

"I don't know. I'm here. What does that make me?"

Someone made an impatient noise.

"Your crime. Was it federal or state?"

My face went blank. Either they were from Mars, or I was. They decided it was me.

"Look at her bracelet," one said in exasperation.

They looked.

"She’s federal."

I could tell they were impressed.

"What are you?" I asked the least-intimidating one.

"I'm state."

"Oh."

I’d heard stories about women criminals, and I now wondered if me might have a rough time locked up with these serious convict-types.

But as I started to realize that they had decided I was loony-tunes, I felt safer. Somehow going spaced-out was a good defence. It inspired toleration.

Meal over, I explored the room, looking prepared to fight off an enemy attack. Now  they might give me trouble, I thought. As I walked by they whistled and made comments. One took hold of my arm.

"Hey, sugar. You gonna be my ole Lady or what?" she asked. The others laughed.

I remembered advice someone had given me about what to do when caught in an undertow—don't fight it; swim with it; let it carry you its short distance and then you will be free.

"Sure," I answered her, lifting my hand to my hair so she could read my bracelet and be impressed by my "federal" status, whatever that was. She was young, petite, and nice looking. Here was a new adventure—a prison story, this one. I also had the Feeling she didn't really view me as a sex object.

She and I did spend a lot of time together after that. If she didn't come to me, I sought her out. I figured it wasn't a bad idea to let myself be adopted by his woman and her tough-looking friends. We'd sit together in front of the TV. Sometimes she had her arm around me, but at due time did make sexual advances. She never tried to kiss me. It was more a game we played to entertain the others. I liked her, and her black friends turned out to be the most fun group in that place. One time I even turned her on to a little of my stash.

I'd been arrested on a Friday, and that same day I called a friend and told him to contact John. On Monday I was informed I had a visitor. They brought me to a linen closet.

Inside the tiny space, surrounded by folded towels and boxes of Mr. Clean, was a young guy who was apparently still trying to convince the guards that he was alright. "It's okay. I'm her lawyer," he said. "Just give us a few minutes. Really, it's okay." Unbelievably, they left me in the closet with this character, who sat perched on a stack of towels. "Hi, I'm Henry," he said when we were alone. "Actually, I'm not your lawyer. I'm a tax lawyer and friend of John's. We have many people in common. You know my wife from Goa—Madeline. Happy Madeline?"

"Yes! She gave out wonderful acid at a beach party. She's your wife?" I piled a handful of towels on the floor next to him. When I sat, they wobbled, and as I flung an arm out for balance, I knocked over a stack of slices. We laughed. "Where's John?"

"He's in town. He doesn't want to come to this place. You have a lawyer, He should he here soon. I just wanted to check if you needed anything."

"I have a stash, thanks. When can I get out?"

"As soon as they lower the bin it’s at fifty thousand now."

I moaned. "I don't understand how this happened. Do you? What went wrong?"

"I heard that an official became suspicious when you initially appeared for the passport, so he investigated the name. You were crying or something."

"My eye! I had a tissue over my eye. I wasn't crying. Shit!"

"Well, he thought you were crying, and it made him suspicious."

Henry didn't stay long, but it was long enough for us to turn the linen closet into a shambles. Every time we made a gesture, something fell off a shelf. By the time he left we were up to our ankles in towels and laughing aloud.

Later that day the real lawyer came, and we met in a more official looking, lawyer-client room. This guy was no fun at all.

"I don't think you realize how serious this is," he said, not smiling. "The amount of cash you had, in your possession . . . They're curious as to how you acquired it."

"How much do they have? They won't keep it, will they?"

"Over five thousand." He looked at a paper in his folder. "Five thousand, three hundred, and fifty-seven dollars. Isn't that how much you had on you?"

"Oh, good. I got worried for a moment."

"There's more?"

"Yeah, at the hotel. I left about fifteen thousand in a safety deposit box. I'm glad they didn't find that."

"IN CASH?" When I nodded he sighed. "Well, we'll see what we can do."

"Please, get me out of here soon."

Finally, not that week, but the week after, my boring lawyer succeeded in reducing the bail to ten thousand, of which I had to pay only ten percent.

The courtroom scene was a riot. I was my more-spacey self. I had to be. The judge asked questions I couldn't answer rationally if I didn't want to spend the next twenty years in jail. Why had I appealed for a passport under an assumed name? Oh, I just thought it'd be fun a while. Why had I registered at the hotel in yet another name? Same reason, just to be someone different. How many names did I use? Oh, oodles.

The courtroom was packed with people. They had a wonderful time. Their laughter grew louder at each question I answered. There I stood with straggly blond hair, one high-heeled shoe painted red and white, the other painted blue, two-foot-long fringes swinging to my movements, eyes wide and trying to look innocent.

"What were you doing with five thousand dollars in cash?" the judge asked.

I made a face and groaned. "Argh! American Express. Phooey! I lost my traveller’s checks once and never got the money back. What a hassle they put me through. I HATE American Express!"

I stamped my foot. The court guffawed.

"UGH!" I continued. "All those forms! How was I supposed to remember the numbers on the checks? I had the numbers! But I didn't know which checks I'd already spent! How was I supposed to know that? I'd sent the receipts to Momsy for safe keeping! They'd SAID to keep the receipts in a safe place! They'd SAID to keep them separate from the checks! How could I keep track of the numbers if they were on the other side of the planet? I'll NEVER use American Express again!"

I pounded my fist on the rail. The court roared.

"And American Express doesn't hold mail very long, either. They send it back. Or throw it out. Now Thomas Cook is good."

Time to pay the bail; Henry came forward with the money. Cash. All in tens and twenties. He started counting and then forgot how much he'd counted and had to start over. Though the attention of the court had by now turned elsewhere, it soon focused the commotion created by Henry's counting and recounting and the exasperated look of the court official. Eventually the official tried to help him court, but he too lost track amid the ruckus of the spectators and had to start again.

The bail paid, I had to return to the detention hall to be officially checked out. This meant another trip in the unmarked car, handcuffed and chained. Again I cloaked the metal with fringe. I don't know how I'd have coped without that fringe.

When I finally left I found John out front hiding behind a pillar. "APPLECROC!" We hugged—alter John inched me behind his pillar. The front stoop of detention hall was not the coolest place to conduct a romance.

"Oh, Applecroc, I missed you!"

I dug my face in his neck and thought, "Don't look at such a failure." John never got himself arrested. He was too smart.

I had no excuse for the dim-witted way I landed in jail, especially after the warning. Plain stupidity. And since I was convinced that my old self would never have missed such a warning, it meant only one thing-I was losing it. My alertness, caution, logical thinking—my faithful old brain was going. Maybe it was time I found a new occupation.

Meanwhile, my ordeal was far from over. I faced a hearing in six weeks' time. John and I found a studio at Trinity Apartments, a luxury complex that rented by the month. It had a pool, a gym, a sauna, plush red carpeting down its corridors—hey, this was great.

San Francisco abounded with Goa Freaks, most of them living outside the city in Marin County. The first time the phone rang in our new apartment—the day we moved in—I heard a familiar French accent. "Hello, Cleo? It's Cecile. Can we come over?"

Our apartment became  the hangout for friends in town and friends passing through. Cecile and Texas Jack came every day. Richard popped in. Trumpet Steve dropped by with his son, Anjuna, who'd grown into a little boy. And, of course, Little Lisa. Lisa was a permanent fixture in the apartment. She'd arrive early in the morning and left I-don't-know-when. Since I was usually asleep by then. And there was Henry the lawyer. Henry wasn't into smack, but he sure liked coke.

Unlike John and me, Lisa preferred to fix her drugs, coke and smack. She usually didn't do it around us, though, since John sneered when he saw needle marks on her arms.

As soon as we had established ourselves at Trinity Apartments, John found a coke connection and started free-basing—smoking a purified form of cocaine. He had a base pipe and specialized gadgets, including a lighter that spurted flames like a blowtorch. I tried basing a few times but thought it a waste. It used more coke and, in my uncertain legal position. I worried about expenditures. No, thank you, I'll smoke my dope and snort my coke, if you don't mind. As John became swept up in his toys, Lisa fixed more openly. In a half-hearted attempt to hide her activities from John, she did it in the bathroom. Then came Henry—every day after work, in his neat suit and tie. Henry also liked to fix coke, so he joined Lisa in the bathroom. For hours. Hit after hit—the two of them stayed in there hour upon hour.

Knock, knock. "Hey, you guys. I have to go to the bathroom. Do you mind?" I'd ask.

"One fucking minute," would be Lisa's reply.

I'd stand patiently by the door. From the other side would come the sound of conversation. Something would drop on the bathroom tarn. Knock, knock. "Are you coming out?" I would say, reminding them of my presence. "I've really got to go."

"Just one fucking more hit. We'll be right the fuck out after this one."

The conversation would continue in the same unhurried tone. Water would run in the sink. There was a rumbling sound as toilet paper unrolled. Knock, knock. "Liiiiiaaaaaa," I'd sing. No answer this time. Same conversation. Something else dropped on the floor. A match struck. KNOCK, KNOCK!! "LISA! Come on! only be a minute, then you can have the bathroom back. Henry?" I'd rattle the doorknob and kick the locked door until I had covered its bottom in footprints. BAM, BAM, BAM. "WILL YOU LET ME IN! I HAVE TO PEE!" BAM, BAM, BAM.

The tone of their conversation didn't change. Water running again. A shoe dragging across the tiles.

So I'd go back to the table, where John reigned over the base pipe, and console myself with a line of coke. When Lisa and Henry would finally come out, they'd stand outside the bathroom door impatiently, waiting to get back in. Tie and jacket removed, Henry's once-crisp shirt had lost its freshness after a few hours in there with Lisa. When I'd hurry out, they'd give me a dirty look and rush back inside before the water in the toilet had stopped flushing.

"Oh, come ON!" I said. "I was only in there thirty seconds!" SLAM! "Hey, is that guy really a lawyer?"

There was always a crowd in the apartment. I'd have to climb over someone and step around two others to move from one side of it to the other. With his business complete, John felt free to indulge himself in playing the boss. He and I sat on the convertible bed, the others sprawling on the floor within reach of the bhong and base pipe.

I was annoyed. We never had privacy. I wanted to be with John alone! When people were around I wasn't with John; I was at a party. But Lisa was the worst. Aside from the fact that I had to plead and bargain every time I wanted to go the bathroom, she was ALWAYS there. If I was sleeping, it would be her morning arrival that would wake me up. If I was about to go to sleep, her voice or the sound of her running water in the bathroom would be the last thing I heard.

"Hey, JOHN! Where're the fucking cigarettes?" she would demand.

"The biggest problem we have, as I can see it," he told me, "is the judge who's been assigned your case."

"Bad one?"

"Severe. Very severe. He has a reputation for giving maximum sentences. Especially in cases involving drug smuggling."

"Smuggling! What smuggling? They busted me for a passport!"

Unsmiley scowled.

I sighed and reclined on his crunchy leather armchair "Okay," I said. "So now what? Should I leave the country?"

That shook him up, and he jumped. "What? No! You don't want to do that. Then you'd be in real trouble. Have patience and I'll see if I can't reduce the charges and arrange for you to go before another judge."

"Please, please. I can't go to jail. I can't do probation, either. I don't five in San Francisco. My home is in Goa, so I can't stay here for a probation period. They wouldn't make me do that, would they?"

He closed his eyes and massaged the space between them. "I'll see what I can do. In any event we'll have to set your court date back."

"No! I must return to India. I can't stay here longer."

He continued rubbing. "I'm telling you, you want to avoid this judge."

John was no comfort either. "Oh, Applecroc . . ." I'd begin, kneeling on the bed and clasping a pigtail. John would smile and put an arm around me, moving the base pipe out of the way.

"How'd it go with the lawyer?" he'd ask.

"He said the judge . . ."

Then Lisa would stick her head out the bathroom. "HEY, JOHN! Throw me that goddamn bag over there, will you?"

"I've been assigned a really bad judge . . ."

"HEY, JOHN! ARE YOU FUCKING DEAF? Throw me that goddamn fucking bag."

John would ignore her. Texas Jack would ask John if he was finished with the pipe. John would begin to pass it, then decide to smoke one more bowl before relinquishing it to the crowd. His pigtail would slip from my grasp as he leaned over for the spoon.

". . . apparently he gives maximum sentences and . . ."

By now Lisa would have made her way out of the bathroom and would be standing over us. She'd nudge John with her foot, smile, and in a softer voice demand, "Hey, fuckface. Give me that."

"What?" he'd ask in an aggravated tone.

"That goddamn bag right next to you."

"The lawyer’s trying to reduce it to a lesser charge so I can get another judge, but . . ."

"What the fuck are you watching?" Lisa would ask, looking at the TV, which remained on twenty-four hours a day.

John would hand her the bag and answer excitedly, "Oh, man. This is a fab movie. It's about a train robbery . . ."

"You can't get away with those robberies anymore," Cecile chimed in.

Richard: "Back then you could stop a train in the middle of nowhere . . ."

John: "Rob a payroll . . ."

Texas Jack: "Cool out in a mountain hideout . . ."

Cecile: "The good old days . . ."

Lisa: "Now they have fucking computers . . ."

Trumpet Steve: "Who's got the bhong?"

A voice from behind the sofa: "It's over here. Just a minute."

A voice from the refrigerator: "Anybody mind if I drink this Dr. Pepper? It's the last one."

Finally, my court date arrived. Unsmiley had succeeded in placing me before another judge, this one known to be easy. The charge against me had been reduced to a misdemeanour—theft of government property under fifty dollars. Unsmiley was optimistic about the outcome.

He accompanied me to the courthouse, where we had to wait in the hall before entering. I wore my boring, beige airplane outfit, with shoes that matched. As I paced before the double doors of the courtroom, a posted piece of paper caught my attention.

Oh my goodness! Look at that! Wide letters proclaimed: The United States of America versus . . . ME? I chortled out loud then clapped a hand to my mouth. I ran to where Unsmiley gazed out a window. I grabbed the sleeve of his neat, navy sell hurried him back to the door. "Look at this. I can't believe it. Look, look. Here—me! Against the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! Isn’t that absurd?"

He frowned at the disbelieving grin on my face, shook his head, and ONE OF CLEO'S INSECTS said, "That's what happens when you commit a crime. What did you expect?"

"No . . . I mean . . . but . . . isn't that incredible?" He just didn't understand.

The spectators in this courtroom, too, enjoyed my appearance. I’d come fully armed to convince the judge how upright and reputable I was. Unsmiley presented him with my modelling portfolio and my packet of drawings.

"What is this?" asked the judge, holding sheets of paper.

"Um, I believe that's Euproctis sirnilis," I answered, motioning to a mothlike creature. "And that one there is Kosciuscola tristis. The male Kosciuscola tristis."

"No. I mean, what are these . . ."

"Insects."

"I can see that. I mean, why are you showing me these?"

"Well, you see, my fiancé is an entomologist, and he travels the world to investigate new species of insects. I go with him and help by drawing and cataloguing his discoveries. But see, he usually travels in the East, and lately I've been having trouble coming back to this country. You should have seen what they did to my suitcase at Kennedy Airport! I thought if I had a passport in another name it would make it easier. Sometimes I'm detained for hours . . ."

Unsmiley told the judge this was my first offence and pointed out that my attempt to acquire the passport was amateurish.

"On the contrary," the judge argued. "The way she went about it was very professional."

Unsmiley then explained how I'd come up with the idea from reading The Day of the Jackal. I'd followed exactly what the character in the story had done.

"The Day of the jackal? By Forsyth?"

Unsmiley laid before him a copy of the book he'd spent all weekend going through in order to find the right passage, but which, unfortunately he never did.

"Where in this book?"

"It's in there somewhere," I offered. "We just haven't found it yet. It's a big book."

The judge then delivered a tirade—against drugs, against drug running, against people who left their country. He ended by saying something to the effect that, if I didn't want to be in this country, then I wasn't wanted here. His words were so forceful that my body prickled, a prickle that crept to my brain and compressed everything I heard.

". . . thenwedontwantyouhere . . . "

Whatever his final decree was, I didn't grasp it. I didn't even know when it came, and Unsmiley had to steer me out of the courtroom.

"So what happened?" I asked in the corridor.

"What do you mean what happened? You were there; you heard what he said."

"No, I missed the last part. What'd he say?"

"You have to pay a fine."

"Probation?"

"Didn't you hear him? He practically told you to get out of the country because you weren't wanted here."

"RRRR‘WVRR!" I made an ecstasy noise and jumped on Unsmiley, swinging him until his heel collided with a metal ashtray. After he pried me loose I danced right there in the corridor of the Federal Building. I started with hops, a kick, and a pirouette; then I threw my bag on the floor and attempted a Mexican hat dance around its edges. "La cucaraCHA, la cucara—CHA . . ." I was beginning a cancan when Unsmiley pulled me toward the elevator and pushed me in.

"I can go back to Goa?"

"You can go anywhere you like."

I restrained the hug that was bursting inside me. "YahOOO!" I yelled quietly as we descended to the Lobby.

Now I just wanted to get out of there. Out of San Francisco. Out of the States. Away from Little Lisa. Away from the mob. As it was I'd spent way too much money in the West.

When I told John the judge's decision, he moved the base pipe aside to congratulate me with a kiss. Then he told me the news, "Gigi is dead."

"Gigi? We just saw her in Bombay."

"Marco's in jail in Europe."

"Oh, no! What about their daughter?"

"With Marco's sister."

"Poor Gigi. She never saw her wedding movie. I'm so sad. How'd it happen?"

"We don't know the details," said Richard, "but she'd been pretty out of it. All that smack you guys are doing." Though Richard Loved coke, he was as antismack as he and Narayan had been years before in Bali.

"It's NOT the smack," I said defensively. "It's the coke. You have to be careful with coke. You should've seen me last monsoon. Now I sleep every night and take calcium and vitamin B. That reminds me-I should go buy vitamins, since be heading East soon. I want to leave this week." I turned to John. "You coming to India with me?"

"I'll meet you in Bangkok. We can pick up that stash."

"Oh, right! At the Royal Hotel. I'll send them a telegram to reserve the room. What was it, 409? I hope nobody found the dope and called the police."

The rest of the night we smoked farewell bhongs to Gigi.

*

I bought a plane ticket and cabled Thailand to reserve room 409 for my "wedding anniversary." This time I flew China Airlines and had a two-day stopover in Taiwan.

When I arrived at the Bangkok hotel and requested the room, however, the desk clerk exhibited bewilderment. Ah, yes, Asian desk clerks. Remember them? I should have known.

"I made a reservation specifically for room 409," I wailed. "My husband and I spent our honeymoon in it last year. Now it's our anniversary and I want to surprise him. He'll be arriving tomorrow."

Oh yes, there it was—they had my reservation, but sorry, room 409 was occupied.

"When was it taken?" I asked.

"Yesterday, I am very sorry."

"But I sent the telegram last week!"

The desk clerk shrugged. "We can give you 407 next door, then you can have 409 as soon as it is vacated. Or maybe you can convince the occupants to switch with you."

"Who's staying there?"

"Two Canadian lathes," he told me after checking the register.

I grumbled and cursed and made faces at the bellboy on the way to the room I didn't want. I'd been worried that the police might be alerted, and meanwhile, no one had even paid attention to the reservation request. Or had they? Were the dope and bhong still under the bathtub? I had to be cautious in case they’d been discovered and the police lay in ambush for whomever tried to claim them.

As soon as my bags were in room 407, I fashioned my face into a sincere look and knocked at 409.

"Hi. I really hate to bother you, but. . . " The woman at the door was not pleased Apparently her friend was ill, and there lay the friend in bed under the covers, watching me with wilted eyes. ". . . I sent them a telegram reserving the room but someone made a mistake."

"My friend is sick," said the occupant of 409. "I don’t want her out of bed."

"It’s SO important to us. We came back to Thailand for our anniversary. Please, I know it’s inconvenient, but the other room is just next door, and III help you move, move everything myself. Oh, please, please."

She couldn't say no. The sick one dragged herself out of bed and collapsed into the bed next door. Her friend and I carried the luggage, the toothbrushes, the drying underwear, from one room to the other. It took less than five minutes.

"A zillion thanks. I can't tell you how much this means to us."

Alone in 409, I dashed to the bathroom removed the door under the tub, and plunged my arm into darkness.

I felt a plastic bag! It was still there!

I dog it out with such anticipation that even the mouse droppings were a welcome sight.

The powder had absorbed moisture and smelled slightly musty. Sniff. Mmmmm. But still good. Sniff, sniff. Mmmm.

After an hour of good pipefulls, the bhong lost its mouldy taste.

A thought bit me: I should have delayed claiming the treasure for at least a day.

That would have been wiser. I'd known I was at risk for a Narcotics raid but had disregarded it. I'd take It a dumb chance. "Two years before I'd have waited it out. Two years before I'd have been smarter.

Oh, dear. First I'd ignored the warning that the F.B.I. was looking for me; now I'd partaken of dope left in a hotel room when waiting a day would have been the safe thing to do. My caution and good sense had definitely left me. But my luck still held, and nobody came banging at the door. The next morning I checked out Fortunately I didn't recognize the deck clerk and didn't have to explain the change of plans. I checked into the hotel where I was to meet John.

Days passed with no John. The more days passed the more irritated I became, remembering Little Lisa and the twenty-four-hour mob scene John encouraged I waited two weeks past his doe date, then decided to move on. It had been so long since I'd been with John alone that I knew I wouldn't miss him I flew to India by myself.

Arriving in Bombay at the start of a season excited me as much as ever. It was still early in the year, and the monsoon was dribbling to its end. Again I felt like a successful warrior returning from battle as I entered Dipti's. Maybe I'd had rough times over the summer, but I'd survived and made it home with both money and dope. Now I really had stories to tell.

Dipti's booths were fully occupied. Everyone waved and welcomed me. Cleo. How was your monsoon?"

"Great! You should have seen what they did to my suitcase at Kennedy Airport!"

I only wanted to stay in Bombay long enough to buy things for the house. I needed new saris to hang finm the ceiling and new carpets. I also wanted a dog.

I knew Crawford Market had an animal section, so I taxied there, stopping at an Opium den on the way. At the market I was deluged by market men. I picked one so I wouldn't have to keep fighting them off.

After I told him what I wanted, the market man led me past women in saris who dangled things in my face. I followed him around baskets of jackfruits and custard apples and five snakes. I docked to avoid a water bucket suspended from a pole. He directed me through mountains of fish paste and beyond the black-market Coca-Cola stall—the Indian government had recently kicked Coca-Cola out of the country and now an eight-ounce bottle cost two dollars on the black market and was highly valued among the Freaks. We arrived at the animal section. The market man pointed.

Form a dilapidated cardboard box, buried in straw twice his height, tiny halt of fuzz yapped at me with such force that he somersaulted backwards. I loved him on sight.

A pedigree Pomeranian, three weeks old and five inches long, the little creature become a part of my life. He was beautiful, white and fluffy. He reminded me of smack. There was only one name for him—Bach, after the beautiful boy in Amsterdam who was the first person I met who did smack.

At the Ritz Hotel the desk clerk grimaced at Bach and made me promise to keep him in the bathroom and off the carpet. Oh, little Bach. I hated going out and leaving him. I cut short my visits to Dipti's. On one visit I ran into Neal.

"NEAL!" We kissed and hugged and held hands as we told our monsoon stories.

Neal was doing badly. He hadn't been able to do business during that monsoon, either—the second in a row. He had no money, no dope (one always managed to get habit-keeping dope; "no dope" meant not enough to enjoy), and no place to stay. He asked if I could shelter Eve, him, and Ha until they left for Goa.

Of course. Again I was happy to help him. I even told him I'd give him half the supply of dope I'd brought from Thailand, so he could make money selling it and we could put together a scam.

At the hotel I laid one of the mattresses from my twin beds on the floor, and the four of us slept wall to wall. I chose the floor mattress to be near Bach. Though I'd had him only two days, he laid his furry self by me. Ha, of course, went crazy for him.

"Bakt!" she giggled. "Keo's dog!"

Neal, Eve, and Ha eventually went not to Goa, but to Poona, where Bhagwan's ashram was. I left for Goa, taking a cabin on the boat. My load of purchases filled the entire space. The wonderful puppy slept by my face, despite the bugs I could see crawling on his skin. In the morning, as we docked in Panjim, I attempted to remove the shit he'd deposited on the pillow but gave up and hid the pillow under the sheets.

Fourth  Season in Goa

1978  —  1979

NORMALLY CRACKED, DRIED, and Med by the sun, the paddy field was sprouting four-foot-high rice plants. Green grew everywhere: on the paths, the space between my house and Graham's. Even the garbage dump bloomed with growing things.

Bach loved it. The first time we crossed the paddy field on the way to Gregory's restaurant, I lost him in the grass. He'd jumped off the road somewhere along the way.

"Bach?" I called when I turned and saw emptiness. "Bach! Where'd you go? Aloha, Bach. Where are you?"

The tiny thing had disappeared amid the stalks. It took me forever to track him and he left muddy footprints on my neck.

I took Bach with me everywhere, though not everyone liked having him as a visitor. Since the Goa Freaks socialized around mattresses on the floor, the floor also served as a table top, which gave Bach access to people’s sacred possessions. Open containers of coke and smack and silver trays of tobacco occupied a hallowed space in the centre of the floor. To Bach it was a space to sniff through and explore. His chin would be flecked with tobacco and his nose powdered with white before I'd have time to scoop him up.

I could always tell when Bach had sniffed coke. He'd be so cute. He'd become hyper and run from one end of the room to the next, picking up one thing, seeing another, dropping the first, and picking up something else. Since everything was bigger than him, he'd trip over whatever he attempted to carry.

He came with me to the beach too. When I'd go for a swim, he'd follow to the water's edge and bark when I left him on shore. Up and down the sand he'd run, crying and barking. I'd have to come out and carry him into the surf with Inc.

Now that I had my own dope, I could spend time with Canadian Jacques without feeling as if I were with him for drugs alone. My private stash was not going to last long, though, especially since I'd given half to Neal. I contemplated making a run to Bangkok to supply myself for the year, but I lacked a connection, a person in Thailand to sell me dope. Thai connections were cherished and guarded, probably the  only secret that Goa Freaks kept.

Goa Freaks favoured scam talk above other topics of conversation, and one day, while I was discussing runs with Jacques, he referred to his contact in Chiang Mai, an employee at a certain hotel. "You can go to him, if you he said. "Mention my name. He knows me well."

I couldn't believe what Jacques had so casually given me. Speechless, I felt as if he'd handed me a family heirloom. People paid money for that information or grovelled for it. "Oh . . . hey, thanks," I said, memorizing the name and place and making Jacques a bhong. Wow—I had a Thai connection.

I felt Big Time as I imagined flying to Thailand to buy my own load. If I bought a sizeable quantity, I could party for the whole season without scrounging from friends. I could sell a portion and keep myself solvent.

I decided to include Neal in the plan in order to ease his financial troubles. Though I hated leaving Bach, I made an overnight trip to Poona to see Neal.

What a shock! I'd known in Bombay that things had gone awry for Neal, but I hadn't realized the sorry state he'd sunk to. I found him in the pigpen he'd made of his hotel room.

"This place looks like a suitcase exploded," I said, gazing at the mess. "Don't you let the maid in?"

"Never let too much lying around," he explained. "I could never collect everything I'd need to hide from her."

No, he hadn't sold any of the dope I'd given him; in fact, what I'd given him was just about gone.

I sat on the messy bed and noticed I was the only one sitting . . . With the curtains shut, Neal and Eve shuffled through the dimness like characters from The Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Ha followed suit. The three of them reminded me of windup toys, moving awkwardly in separate orbits.

"What are you doing in Poona, anyway?" I asked Neal.

"Um know. Not much. The usual, whatever that is." He giggled. "Do you go to the ashram?" None of them were wearing  malas or orange clothes, I noticed.

"No. Not really."

"Then why did you come here?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. Seemed like a good idea at the time, and now we're just here." Another giggle and he circled the bed. He took hold of a piece of paisley material without seeming to notice it. He cleared a space on the cluttered bureau, looked around, paused, shoved a candle into the space, and strolled to the other side of the room. "It's not bad here," he said. "Kind of peaceful. We don't go out much." He picked up a yellow  lungi and dropped the paisley. He back stepped to the bed, wrapping the  lungi around his arm before letting that drop too. "Want a toot of coke?" he asked, after discovering his glass block beneath a pile of debris.

"Uh, sure," I said, wondering how he afforded coke.

He attempted to chop some. CLACK, CLATTER, CLINK. The razor blade slid from his grasp and fell among a hodgepodge collection of Eve's little objects. Rather than bunt for it, he continued chopping with the jagged end of a broken ball point pen. THUNK, THUNK, THUNK.

"Uh . . . Neal. Let's put a scam together. I want to go to Thailand and bring back enough dope to last me the year. I'm tired of buying it from other people."

"Okay," he said, stopping to look at me a moment. He put down the block, then shock his bangs and examined the ceiling fan. "Whatever you want to do." He scratched his head and sauntered off, bumping into Eve, who ambled similarly in the other direction. Now he was in the bathroom, using the piece of pen to rub at a streak in the sink.

"I think I have enough money for a pound of smack," I continued. "I'll split it with you when I get back."

I watched Neal grab a syringe and aim it at the ceiling fan like a machine gun. Aha! Syringe. They were fixing coke! No wonder they were so spacey. They had to be doing a lot of it to be that weirded-out.  How were they paying for it?

Neal turned to look at me for another half-second and said, "Thanks, cutie." Then he placed the syringe on a tilting stack of papers and came to sit beside me and resumed chopping. THUNK, THUNK.

Back in Goa, I prepared for the trip. I'd meet Neal in Bombay in two weeks. I had just enough time to take Bach to a veterinarian for shots and a check-up. In addition to fleas and ear mites, the poor thing had a stomach infestation.

"Where did you buy this animal?" asked the vet.

"Crawford Market in Bombay."

He wrinkled his nose.

I hated to leave Bach while I made the run. I asked Laura if she'd take care of him. She agreed. Laura and Trumpet Steve hadn't been together since Bali. They took turns with their son, Anjuna. After Steve had returned from San Francisco with the boy, Laura had taken charge of him. She and Anjuna lived in a house behind Joe Banana's. My heart was heavy as I dropped off Bach on the way to the airport.

I found Bombay crowded with people returning from the monsoon. Neal wasn't at the Ritz Hotel as he was supposed to be, and I had to call him twice in Poona before he showed up. He, Eve, and Ha took a room down the hall, and it soon resembled their room in Poona dark and overwhelmed by disorder. Room-service trays accumulated one on top of another by the door.

"Why don't you put the frays in the hall?" I asked. "A forest is growing on the roll at the bottom."

"I will." Neal giggled. "I always mean to."

One day I arrived at Neal's door at the same time as an Indian with a fat stomach and a sleazy air. We entered together, and the Indian moved the rubble from a chair and sat, one foot crossed over a knee.

Neal thanked him for coming and told him my name.

"Rachid Biryani," the Indian said, leaning forward to shake my hand.

"Nice to meet you, darling. Want a line of cocaine? I have quality pharmaceutical. The best."

"Um . . . sure."

Rachid handed Neal a packet before opening another to make me the line.

Neal told him, "Add this to my bill, okay?"

"It's getting quite big, my friend," Rachid answered, grinning with only half his face and then winking at me. "Pretty soon you will owe me a Mercedes." He chuckled aloud and slapped Neal on the thigh. Aha! So that's how Neal was getting coke. On credit from this cretin.

Rachid asked me, "How's the cocaine, darling? The best, didn't I tell you. Whenever you want cocaine or heroin, you come to me, Rachid Biryani, give you a good price."

I turned to avoid his leer and spotted a metal mound. "Oh, Neal!" I exclaimed. "You said you'd put those room-service trays in the hall. Instead, you have twice as many. The kitchen is going to run out soon."

By the end of the week, I concluded that Neal had lost his Barbies. He wasn't losing them; they were gone. One afternoon he stopped dead in the street and yelled at the top of his voice to whomever had the misfortune of being behind him at the time. He continued shouting as a crowd gathered.

"I pleaded with them to go away and leave us alone," he told me later that day, explaining the incident. CLATTER, SQUEAL, CLACK, CLATTER, SCREECH. "I held up my kid and begged them."

"Begged who?" I asked.

He paused before answering with a senile, "The C.I.A." Theo he added, "The D.E.A. The F.B.I. You know. All of those."

"The C.I.A.'s been following you around Bombay?" I asked in a mocking tone.

He became serious and told me, "For a long time now. Everywhere I go, they're there. Every time I walk down a street, they're behind me. Every time I sit in a restaurant, they're at the next table. I couldn't stand it anymore and decided to let them know how I felt. I wanted to tell them what they were doing to my kid. Want a toot?"

I did the line of coke, hoping to ease the bad feeling I had about our upcoming scam. But the bad feeling got worse anyway. The next day Neal caused a scene with the hotel management by complaining about people on his balcony.

"Neal," I reasoned with him later, "your room doesn't have a balcony."

"They were there. I saw them. I had the desk clerk come up and see for himself." SCREECH, SQUEAL, CLANK.

"Oh, no!" I shook my head and laughed. "Are the people gone now, or are they still clinging to your window?"

Neal laughed too and shook the bangs out of his eyes. "I don't know. Why don't you look."

As I opened the drapes, a piece of sunlight reflected on ice-cream-coated room-service spoons. His window faced the busy avenue in front of the hotel. "Neal, all you have out there is a window ledge." And then sometimes he'd stop in the middle of a sentence, bring a finger to his Tips, tiptoe to the door, and place his ear against it. "There's nobody out there, Neal. Come back here."

"Sssshhhh . . ." He'd kneel to peer through the eighth of an inch of space beneath the door.

"Oh, come ON."

After gesturing for me to be quiet, he'd turn into a statue, rump in the air as he squinted at dust balls and imagined the feet of the C.I.A.

Worst of all, though, was what he did to my scam. He took it over. First he insisted that I shouldn't carry the dope myself, and he found me a runner—Nikki, whom I'd met in Kathmandu.

"But Neal, I'd rather do it myself," I argued. "I know I can get through Customs easily. The Bangkok-Bombay run is nothing. They don't search you for drugs coming into Bombay. They search you for cassette players. The risk in Bangkok is BEING in Bangkok, and so the more people involved, the bigger the risk. And the expense. It's a waste of money, carry it."

"Absolutely I will carry it."

Then he insisted he was going to Bangkok with us.

"THAT'S RIDICULOUS," I protested. "There's no reason for you to go. It's increasing the risk and costs too much money. I can't pay for three of us!" Neal was adamant. I was enraged. "There's nothing for you to do in Bangkok," I said. "And look at you. You can't go to Thailand like this."

"I'm fine."

No matter what I said, he fought me.

I was furious. He'd taken charge of MY scam, which I'D organized with MY money and MY connection. His basket-case mind made mayhem of my plans, and he wouldn't listen to a word I said. I was enraged, not only at but also at my friends, some of whom took his side. Neal made no sense. He was a lunatic. But apparently I was the only one who thought so. Every person who heard us arguing took his side. I'd leave his room in tears every time.

Sometimes I continued the discussion later in my room with one of the bystanders who’d argued against me. "BUT NEAL'S OUT OF HIS MIND!" I yelled, my throat sore from hours of debate. "I CAN'T GO TO THAILAND WITH THAT MANIAC! WE WOULDN’T LAST A DAY THERE."

"He's alright, love," said Birmingham Phillip. "He’ll pull himself together, you'll see."

"HE IMAGINES GREMLINS ON THE WINDOW LEDGE!!"

"That’s just the coke. Be cool, love. Neal's okay—you're the one who's hysterical."

I'd storm out of the room, slam the door, airless stairwell fuming in frustration.

Neal and I fought for a whole week. He overruled every suggestion I made. Every one. About my wanting to go alone; about my not wanting to share a room with Nikki; about which hotel we'd stay in. He always thought he had a better way, and I couldn't win. Logic cannot defeat lunacy.

Whenever I'd rush out in tears of failure, Neal would follow. He'd bring me coke to cheer me up. He never yielded to my judgment on a single issue, though.

"How much money do you owe this Indian, Rachid, anyway?" I asked one day.

"No problem, our scam is going down soon, and then I'll be able to pay him."

Departure day arrived, and, having surrendered on every issue, I left Bombay with Nikki. I liked Nikki. She'd been living in Nepal for years, but she'd never done a run before, and I hated the thought of entrusting my money—and possibly my future—to her. She was also expensive. I had to pay for her round-trip ticket, plus food and half a hotel room—the expensive hotel room Neal insisted on.

In Bangkok Nikki and I checked in and waited for Neal to arrive. How had I enmeshed myself in this situation? Neal was such a fruitcake, how could he not get the three of us arrested? You couldn't get away with telling a Thai desk clerk there were C.I.A. agents on your window sill.

But then days passed without Neal showing up. Maybe he couldn't think clearly enough to come. That was what I hoped.

Since he wouldn't be involved in the purchase, I finally decided to leave for Chiang Mai in northern Thailand. I left Nikki in Bangkok. Having her stay behind to wait for Neal was a good excuse to go alone.

The morning I arrived in Chiang Mai, I took a rickshaw to the hotel Jacques had told me about. Actually, the driver said there was no hotel the exact name he'd given me, but there was one that was dose. Good enough. I let the rickshaw go when I went to speak to the receptionist.

Who? No, the desk clerk had never heard of Jacques's friend. No, Chiang Mai had no other hotel with that name.

No contact? No contact location?

I died. Right there in the suburbs of some little village in Thailand.

Now what? My plans lay in ruin. There I was in Chiang Mai with no connection. I had Nikki in Bangkok in an expensive hotel, waiting for me to pay the bill. I had a madman on my hands who was who-knew-where. I had no idea what to do next.

My brain went on strike. It became an empty, quiet space. No thoughts passed through. Nothingness. As my feet left the hotel, my eyes lingered on the pinkness of the flowers in the garden. My feet moved me forward, but I had nowhere to go—I was outside of town without a rickshaw. I left the hotel grounds and faced an empty, unpaved road. But I wasn't healed anywhere. My feet just went, and I followed. When they came to a neighbouring garden, they directed themselves inside. A man in a Chinese rice hat squatted by a bush. My feet stopped. I wasn't looking at the man. I was just aimed in his direction.

Eventually he said hello, and I made a weak gesture in response. "Are you ok?" he asked.

I shrugged.

"What is the matter? Are you alright?"

It spilled out. The whole story. I told him about my mission to the hotel next door, my search for the employee, my woes of not having a connection. "I don't know what to do now," I said.

"That is a dangerous business," the man told me, looking left and right. "You must be careful who you speak to."

I immediately suspected I'd found a saviour. "Do you know where I could buy heroin?" I asked him. "Oh, please. Please?"

"Perhaps, perhaps I can help you. But you must be careful." Saved!

He brought me to a guest house and left me with the owner. The new man agreed he might be able to get me what I wanted, but he was cautious. I stressed that I needed dope right away or I'd be sick. When he took me to a storage room and sold me a gram, I could tell he was impressed by the quantity I inhaled right there.

And then he told me, yes, he could supply me with half a kilo. I moved into his guest house and bought the kind of paint kit I'd used to smuggle dope to America with John. I decided not to funnel the powder through the kit's hole, though. After all, I was only going to Bombay. I worked till dawn packing dope into condoms. Then I opened the flat-bottom ends of the paint tubes, removed some paint, and implanted the cargo, closing the tubes without a crinkle.

Before returning to Bangkok, I called Nikki. No, Neal hadn't shown up. Hallelujah!

And so Nikki didn't carry the paint kit into Bombay. She'd had a vacation at my expense, but I wasn't about to pay her as a carrier if I didn't have to. Without Neal, I didn't have to.

As soon as we landed, I went to investigate what had happened to Neal.

He giggled at me. "I couldn't get it together," he said. "First I couldn't find my passport, then I didn't have the right clothes, then I misplaced the passport again, then it was too Tate. I knew you could do it on your own. You're a big girl."

I didn't answer. What could I say? I was still furious that he'd taken command of my scam and ignored my proposals. He'd burdened me with Nikki and cost me a fortune. Now he was calling me a big girl.

I gave him half the stash as promised and left. I deposited four ounces in my safety deposit box, bought a couple of grams of coke from the unctuous Indian, Rachid, and flew to Goa.

I couldn't wait to see Bach. Within minutes of arriving at the house, I heard him bark at the door.

"Bach!"

Apparently he'd run away from Laura at the first opportunity and had been waiting by the house for my return. The maid and her family had kept him fed, and for entertainment he'd joined a gang of strays on the beach. Bach—oh, Bach! I hugged him as he slurped my face.

By now the new season was well under way, the paddy field crispy brown once again. The beach parties stamped and stamped every night. Goa Freaks crowded Joe Banana's porch all day. They packed into Gregory's restaurant at mealtimes. I timed dinner so the sun would be setting as I crossed the paddy field on the way back.

"Look, Bach. Look at the sky! That orange. This is my home yours too now. Our home."

After a few weeks of visiting, I resumed the routine of sitting locked in the house. I had my stash and my Bach and didn't have the desire to party or meet people. I could hear music blasting from the beach, and if there was a tune I really loved. I'd dance by myself. And sing a bit, like to Steve Miller's "Time keeps on slippin, slippin, slippin, slippin, slippin in to the FUture . . . dit, dit, ditte . . ."

When I went out, it was to buy coke.

I snorted mountains of coke. All my cash went for coke. I didn't have money to pay Lino's rent for the year. On the rare occasion when I sold a gram of smack, I bought coke with the profit. In no time I ran out of dope and had to return to Bombay to the stash in the safety deposit box. This time I brought Bach with me so I could take him to the animal hospital there. He still had trouble with diarrhoea and vomiting. Poor little thing.

He barked at people at the airport and ran up and down the aisle of the plane. Fortunately Air India didn't insist that dogs ride in boxes though I'm sure my fellow passengers weren't enthralled with Bach's antics.

In Bombay I snuck him into the President Hotel, where he had his diarrhoea and puked all over their carpet. At first I covered his messes by moving the furniture around. Alas, though, Bach never liked having his diarrhoea in exactly the same spot twice. Eventually I kept the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door so the maid wouldn't go into coronary arrest when she came to tidy up.

At Dipti's I ran into Rachid, who seemed to be popping up everywhere lately. When I bought coke from him, he suggested I sell for him in Goa.

"Darling, since you're already selling your heroin, why don't you sell my cocaine at the same time? This way you won't have to buy it, and you can make a barrel of money."

Sounded like a good idea. I did have to start selling my dope. I needed rent money for Lino and cash to see me through the season. Maybe could make enough to finance a scam next monsoon. I'd do it! As soon as I returned to Goa, I'd turn my house into a dope den. Hey—might be fun.

I visited Neal. Though still angry at him, I loved him. He was my best friend in the world. I was horrified by what I found.

Eve and Ha had returned to Poona, and Neal was living alone in a slummy room at Bentley's Hotel on Marine Drive. Emaciated, he could hardly lift himself from the bed. Ribs poked through his shirt, and the skin on his neck was baggy.

"Got any coke?" were his first words.

"Yeah, sure, but what's the matter with you?"

"I've been sick. I have to stop taking these drugs. Maybe next week. I'll stop next week. Can you leave me a stash for tomorrow?"

"Sure. Have you been to a doctor?"

"I checked into the Breach Candy hospital but left to score coke and . . . you know how it is. I never went back." He stood unsteadily and snorted. He wavered and seemed about to fall over. "I better he down," he said, supporting himself against the wall as he returned to bed. "You can move those things and sit," he added, pointing to a chair.

"No, that's okay. I can't stay long. I'm taking the Goa boat in the morning."

In the taxi to my hotel, the thought hit Neal's going to the. He can't five long like that. He'd Bone way past a temporary bout of Coke Amuck. Why hadn't I recognized that before? This was a more serious Coke Amuck—like Gigi's, who'd died shortly after her marriage to Marco. A Coke Amuck that wouldn't wear off in a few hours. A Coke Amuck that went on and on, until the person burned out completely. Instead of resenting Neal for hampering my scam, I should have worried over my friend's deterioration.

I had to get Neal to a hospital. But how to keep him in a hospital long enough to get him well? As soon as the urge for coke hit him, he'd bolt like a mosquito in a typhoon. What could I do?

I formed a plan. I knew if you were in jail and sick, you were transferred to a hospital and kept under guard. It would be impossible to leave under the eye of a twenty-four-hour police watch. If I could have Neal arrested, I could see to it that he be put under a doctor's care.

In a flash of inspiration, I knew whom to ask for assistance — Inspector Navelcar! He would know police officers in Bombay and could have Neal both arrested and hospitalized. I'd go to Goa to arrange the plan with Inspector Navelcar and then return to Bombay to make sure Neal was being treated. A little baksheesh to the hospital and Neal would be pampered like a maharaja. India was convenient that way. This seemed the only way to save my friend's life.

Problem—the police needed a reason to arrest Neal. I should return to Neal's room and hide some dope—then I could tell Inspector Navelcar where to find it. Good idea. I should return right now. I should tell the driver to turn round and go back to Neal's hotel.

But I didn't do it then, either.

When I checked out of the President Hotel, the deck clerk was surprised to see Bach.

Back at Anjuna Beach, I opened my dope den. I called it Anjuna Drugoona Saloona and tacked handwritten advertisements throughout the beach.

ANJUNA DRUGOONA SALOONA: Two-Story House Near Apolon's  Chai Shop

It went well. Better than well. Within a week I was dealing four or five grams of smack every day, along with four or five grams of Rachid's I sold the coke in smaller and smaller quantities, until lines for ten rupees each. People sat around all day buying one line at a time. The profit grew as the quantities shrunk. I imagined myself a tycoon.

For publicity I held a raffle. With each packet I made I included a Raffle ticket said Anjuna Drugoona Saloona and had a number. The drawing take place at the end of December, with a Genuine. American Dildo Vibrator as first prize, a Champion Frisbee as second, and a brown stash bottle with attached spoon as third. It took me forever to write all slips of paper.

People came and went every hour of the day or night. Around 10 A.M., when the last person had left and I'd think I could finally sleep—BAM, BAM? somebody would be pounding on the door. Someone was always running out of something. Always. If I didn't answer one door, they'd hammer on another. I had four doors, and they'd pound on each one in turn, relentlessly, until I opened up.

I did go to inspector Navelcar.

"Please," told him, "my friend is sick. If he doesn't get medical care, and you have him arrested, and then have him locked in a hospital? He wouldn’t go otherwise, and he's dying, really. Please? You must know people in Bombay."

Inspector Navelcar shook his head Indian style. "Yes, I have associates there. What do we arrest him for? There must be a charge."

I should have gone hack to the hotel and planted something. I knew I should have gone back. "Drugs. There are always drugs in his room," I told him.

"It would be better if we knew for certain."

"There's always something, I promise. Please?"

I said he'd talk to his colleague and see what he could do.

I left the station thinking I'd have to come back in a week to check his progress and maybe beg him more.

But I never made it back. My dope den became a giant enterprise. It wasn't merely a place to buy drugs; it was a place to do drugs. I kept the upstairs as an apartment, while the downstairs served as my dope den, the Saloona. The largo living room held thirty people comfortably. More sat at the table in the dining room. Then there'd be some in the front room and some in the kitchen. There'd even be two or three people congregating in the bathroom. People were everywhere, always. In every room, on every mattress, everywhere I turned, there were people, blared from the stereo; it was a nonstop party.

Some people came just to hang out. Like Tish. She was pregnant. "You're not doing any drugs? At all?" I asked in astonishment. "Nope," Tish answered. "Well, almost never. I'm holding off till the birth."

The baby's father, Junky Robert, who was sitting next to her, didn't have to make this sacrifice; he careened sideways till his head rested on Georgette’s shoulder.

"Eh!" said Georgette, shrugging him off and awake.  "Ça ne va pas comme ça, dis donc. Robert, give him a break, man."

Old friends came to socialize. Graham dropped by with his son, who ran around the room with Bach.

Many customers were new faces to me. Since I'd stopped attending beach parties, I knew few of the recent additions to the Goa scene. Now I met them all.

KNOCK, KNOCK came the sound on my door (my latest Bindi Bazaar doorbell had rusted in the monsoon, like its predecessors), and there stood another new person. Are you Cleo? Yes, hello, c'mon in. KNOCK, KNOCK. Hi, a friend of Jerry Schmaltz . . . Come in. KNOCK, KNOCK. Is this the place? Welcome, make yourself at homo. KNOCK, KNOCK. Would somebody open the door, Please?

I wanted to make a dope den unlike any other. I wanted to create something to go down in history. I wanted a place people would remember in old age went to this den once, back in the 1970s, you wouldn't believe it . . . To this end I promised my customers exact weights. Each purchase came guaranteed that if a quantity was less than it should be. I'd give back twice what was missing. If a gram was tenth of a gram short, the buyer would get back a fifth. I also had stacks of games for people to play: Monopoly, backgammon, Parcheesi. . . The red Buddha bhong I'd bought in Toronto was a great attraction. My customers delighted in smoking dope from the Buddha's belly. Often I threw Movie Nights and showed my films. For these occasions I hung fliers at Joe Banana's and Gregory's restaurant.

MOVIE NIGHT THURSDAY

ANJUNA DRUGOONA SALOONA

But if anyone asked. I'd also show the movies on request.

The den became a hangout. Along with the nightly host of new faces, the Saloona had its regulars. People met there before going out for the night, or before a flea market or a beach party or breakfast. People came to meet other people. Plans were made there. Gossip heard. Romances begun. Once there was a theatre group from California that, coked-out during one night, decided to perform for the beach. For a month they came every night, holding creative conferences around my ten-rupee coke packages. I lent them wigs and props, and the final production was hell nearby.

I did HAVE to dose the place a few hours a day. I was exhausted. I ran all night bong, endlessly fetching ten-rupee packets of coke or half grams of smack or some tobacco. This one wanted an orange soda, and someone over there was hunting for the backgammon set. Will someone please get the door? You wanted the mirror, right? There should be one right around here. I have five of them. Do you have another bhong? No, sorry. But there are a few here. Why don't you use Sasha's over there? Can you play another tape? I'm sick of this one. Choose what you like from tapes on the shelf. Hey, Graham, would you mind getting the door again? we need another line of coke here. No, make that two. No, three. Me too. Two more over there. Hey, Cleo, over here. Cleo, where's the mirror? Cleo, we need more tobacco. Cleo, the door!

In the morning, after the asthmatic rooster next door had wheezed, and when only two or three people remained in the den, I'd announce it was closing time and scoot them out. Oh, and don't forget your friend in the corner. Who, him? He's not with us. He's been sleeping there for hours. Well, do you think you could take him with you anyway? What's that lump on the platform? Another sleeper? Would you give him a shake for me. And I think there's one more on the waterbed.

Finally, alone and in peace, I'd hang notes on the doors saying I HAVE TO SLEEP and DO NOT DISTURB!

But it never failed—a crisis always occurred. Someone was out of something. BAM, BAM, BAM. C'mon, Cleo! It's an emergency! Open up! I'm out of coke! Or there'd be a group that ran out of parties and wanted to start its own. Or there'd be someone who couldn't sleep and just wanted to talk. BAM, BAM, BAM. C'mon, Cleo, we know you're in there.

At first Rachid stationed a man in Mapusa, and I'd go every morning for a supply of coke. By this time I was selling a couple dozen grams a day. I told Rachid I couldn't keep making those trips into town, though, because I lost customers while I was away. There'd be a crowd waiting for me when I returned. So Rachid had a man deliver a daily supply to my door.

Then my dope ran out, and I had to sell Rachid's dope along with his coke. I didn't only deal in coke and dope, though. I sold whatever had a market. When someone needed kilos of hash, I arranged it with Rachid and earned three hundred dollars. One time, someone left me blotter acid to sell. I even had a stock of opium, though I kept the Opium pipe hidden in the blowtorched safe. I had yet to find someone who managed to smoke the Opium rather than spatter it on the carpet and the linoleum. I matched people for scams and deals and ideas. The running around—hustling, mediating, and fetching—seemed never to end.

December came and went. I had someone pick the winning raffle numbers, and since the winners weren't there, I hung signs at Joe Banana's, the Three Sisters' restaurant, Gregory's restaurant, and the Monkey chai Shop:

ANJUNA DRUGOONA SALOONA RAFFLE WINNERS

First Prize, the Genuine American Dildo Vibrator: #008961

Second Prize, the Champion Frisbee: #002187

Third Prize, stash bottle: #003658

I barely noticed the passing of Christmas or New Year's and never had the opportunity to visit anybody.

I did hear news, though. People told me what went on and asked me for gossip in return. Whatever happened to Serge? Don't know. He hasn't shown up this season. Neither have Dayid and Ashley. I heard they're in Australia. Ashley wants to keep Dayid away from the smack. I think he's driving a cab. NO! Really? Did you hear about Michael and Fatima and the motorcycle? In Bali, right? The roads there are atrocious. And where's Mental? Jail. Busted last monsoon in the States. Oh, yeah? Hey, Cleo, we need another quarter over here. And isn't that startling about Bombay Brian. Hey, Cleo, ten-rupees of coke.

On top of stories recounted directly, news inundated me as I moved through the crowd exchanging paper packets for money. . . . Petra in the hospital. What about Petra? She had a car accident. Her legs were crushed. Didn't she inherit a fortune? Where did that mirror go? Hey, Sasha! Where've you been? Bombay. Just got back this minute. Neal died last night. Who has the Buddha bhong? Do you have another razor blade? Here's the mirror—who wanted it? Did you hear Neal died in Bombay? I heard. Here, have a bhong. May I have another orange soda, please?

Tears flooded my eyes as I handed out drugs, found mirrors and bhongs, served sodas and fresh razor blades. No, I can't think about Neal. I might start screaming and run into the ocean. I can't think about Neal now.

The Anjuna Drugoona Saloona was a great success, continually packed with customers, friends with their own stashes, and people hoping for a free turn-on. Canadian Jacques came now and then, but I never sat long with him before being called on a powder errand. The whole beach popped in to visit, socialize, and check out the scene. Norwegian Monica male an appearance. Did I tell you Greek Robert hung himself in jail? No! 'Too bad, he was so cute. Blind George dropped by. Even Alehandro sallied in with his followers. John, my Applecroc, also stopped by occasionally to say hello. Did you hear about Neal? Yes, but I can't think about it, Applecroc. That bitch Eve, man. We collected money for the funeral, and she shot up every rupee! All the money went up her arm in coke and dope. Finally Bila from Dipti's had to pay for the funeral. And do you believe it, man. Eve never showed up! She borrowed money from Bombay Brian, saying she needed to feed the kid, and then went to Sukalatchi Street to score coke. Never even showed up for the funeral, do you believe that? I can't think about it, Applecroc. Oh, Cleo, can we have another ten-rupee packet here? And I think someone's at the door.

The running around exhausted me. There never seemed to be enough time for everything I had to do. Weighing out quantities and folding them in marked packages took at least three or four hours a day, depending on the number of interruptions. I did the packing first thing in the afternoon, when I woke up. It was rare indeed, however, that I'd be allowed to wake from natural causes. Inevitably I'd awaken to frantic poundings on the door, so I wouldn't be able to start the daily weighing chore until I had taken care of whoever-it-was—granting, of course, that no one else showed up in the meantime. Help! This is too much for one person to handle. On Rachid's next trip to Goa, I rushed to his room at the Fort Aguada Hotel to ask for an assistant.

"Rachid, help! I need an assistant. My Saloona is too much for one person to handle alone."

"Darling, what happened to your friend Neal?"

"I can't think about Neal. Will you send me an assistant?"

He sent me a tall, thin Indian man. At first I thought my problem was solved. Rachid's coke and smack came in grams, and it was Indian Man's primary job each morning to weigh ten half grams and twelve quarters of smack, plus twenty halves and twenty-four quarters and fifty lines of coke. It took him twice as bong as it used to take inc. Someone would come for a quarter and he'd still be weighing halves. Oh, dear this would never do.

Indian Man didn't work out at all. The biggest problem was his inability to measure exact weights.

"Please!" I said to him. "My customers trust me. If you can't make the packets exact, then make them overweight, okay? Underweight is unethical!"

Impossible. I guess in Rachid's employ, he was only capable of producing underweight quantities. For the first time people complained that their packets were short, and I reimbursed them with double the missing amount. Indian Man could not comprehend such scruples. I tried reasoning with Rachid.

"PLEASE tell him to weigh exact quantities. He's ruining my reputation. Pin having to pay back double what he leaves out."

"Double? You are not doing that, are you, darling? Sharp cookie like you?"

It was beyond Rachid's comprehension too.

On top of that, Indian Man made my customers paranoid. They cringed at the presence of the straight-looking Indian, so neatly dressed. He reminded them of the police.

"But he works for Rachid!" I tried to reassure everybody. "He's more gangster than policeman."

"I know. But he still makes me nervous," would be the response. And Bach hated him. So Indian Man had to go.

I'm so tired. Exhausted. Where's my coke? I need another line.

It's remarkable how much coke and dope one can consume when the supply is unlimited. I shrunk to skinniness again. How long had it been since my last period? Two years? I did manage alternate daily injections of vitamin B complex and calcium, though; and because it was so smooth, I drank glasses of the Electrolyte mixture. I did TRY to eat, but coke had so constricted my throat that solid food didn't want to go down. The only substance I could tolerate was Gregory's creamy mousse, with which he competed against The Three Sisters' chocolate pudding. Oo, the mousse felt wonderful as it slid coolly and soothingly down. Since I couldn't leave the Saloona, I sent a motorcycle driver to Gregory's restaurant every day. Unfortunately Gregory had instituted a policy of not serving his much-desired desserts without a main course. So, to acquire the two or three mousses, I had to order two or three main courses. That was okay—Bach loved Gregory's prawns in wine sauce.

Bach lived the good life in Anjuna Beach. The animal hospital in Bombay had cured him of his ills, and he thrived on the two or three servings a day of prawns in wine sauce or sirloin buffalo steak. The maid and her family called him Fatso. Bach had a routine. He'd wake up while it was still dark and nudge me until I let him out. Then he'd be gone for hours, running with his gang of strays. Around 11 A.M. he'd bark at the door. Since this was when I'd be desperately trying to sleep. I'd ignore him as long as I could, but eventually I'd drag myself to the door and let him in for his drink of water. After that he'd rest peacefully beside me until the first wake-me-up customer came pounding at the door, at which time he'd go out again. For the rest of the day he'd be within calling distance, and whenever he wanted to come in, he'd bark once and I'd obediently open the door.

During February my dope den changed—people switched from snorting lines and smoking bhongs to shooting up. Apparently many Goa Freaks were now into fixing. Some fixed only coke, but others, doe to a shortage of funds, fixed dope in order to do less and make it last longer.

The end of the season was the time when personal stashes and monetary funds ran low. The people fixing smack simply bought it and left. Those fixing coke bought it and stayed. They stayed for hours and hours and HOURS.

Moving with the trend, I added a new line of products to my inventory. I sold needles for five rupees and syringes for forty. I also rented syringes, carefully boiling them between rentals. An ampoule of distilled water cost five rupees. I stockpiled vitamin B ampoules, which I tried to push instead of the water.

"Why don't you dilute your drugs with this vitamin B complex instead of water?" I'd say. "It costs a few rupees more, but it's GOOD for you. Look how skinny you are. I bet your body is craving a little B. It'll give you a nice rush too."

"Won't it mess up the coke rush?"

"Not at all. It adds to it, I promise. You won't believe the head this gives you! And it'll make you healthy at the same time."

"Nah, just give me the water."

I was surprised by how many people turned down the vitamin B. When I promoted it seriously, some agreed to try it but acted as if they were doing me a big favour. They rarely asked for it again.

"Well, then, how about a nice shot of calcium?" I'd offer next. "This is intramuscular and doesn't give you a head, but it will restore the calcium that coke depletes from your body. I give you the shot myself. How 'bout it?"

Needless to say, the health supplies were not my most popular items.

One day I noticed that people who fixed their drugs created a different atmosphere than those who smoked or sniffed. While smokers and sniffers were more social and interactive, fixers were more introverted. They were preoccupied with their sets of paraphernalia, their arms, their rushes. If a smoker or sniffer was wandering about when one of the fixers peaked, it caused a startled jump. So—eager to please my clientele—I separated them and provided a special area for fixers. For this I had to use the second floor. I set up blue and green velvet mattresses around a blue and green rug to create a haven in the bedroom. The three windows encircling the northern extension of the room let in the breeze from the sea; that first rush of coke could sure bring on a heavy sweat.

I provided everything. I distributed cut-up strips of satin for tying arms. I bent every kitchen spoon I owned into the shape convenient for mixing coke with water, and I laid out metal bottle openers for breaking the glass tops of distilled-water ampoules. Scattered among the Kashmiri tables were champagne glasses filled with water for cleaning syringes. In the centre of the space I placed a pot with a sign saying SQUIRT HERE. This was to prevent people from squirting bloody water into ashtrays. There's nothing uglier than cigarette mucus swimming in ashes and blond.

Paradise Pharmacy in Mapusa became my best customer. The pharmacy was notorious for selling morphine, Mandrax, Valium, and whatever. When I went there soliciting cocaine, the owner jumped at the opportunity. Apparently he was deluged with requests for it. On my weekly trips to Mapusa to deliver him a dozen grams, I would stock up on distilled water and new needles.

As the season progressed and the Goa Freaks' cash dwindled, the smokers and sniffers trickled away, leaving me with two rooms of fixers upstairs. At Joe Banana's one day someone asked me, "What's this I hear—you have a shooting gallery in your house?"

"A shooting gallery!" I'd never heard the expression before and thought it wondrously clever. "Hey, that's cute."

Among the new fixing clientele was a gorgeous blonde German with a marvellous body. He would arrive early in the afternoon and, buying half grams at a time, would fix one shot after another until late at night. We liked each other. However, with all the drugs I ingested, sex was the last thing in the world I wanted. Sex ranked alongside jail and chewy foods—unthinkable! He, meanwhile, was totally preoccupied with his rushes. Our moments together consisted of snatches of my spare time intersecting with his calmer interludes—perhaps as he cleaned his syringe.

"No, no! Not in the ashtray!" I'd exclaim. "Here, see it says SQUIRT HERE." For a moment our eyes communicated feelings our bodies couldn't.

"Oops, I did that again? I'm sorry. So when am I going to teach you to windsurf?"

"Soon."

The gorgeous German had brought to Goa the first wind surfboard anyone had seen. I couldn't imagine when he had time to ride it, though, since he sat in the Saloona. Every day, all day.

Also among the new group of fixers was Marco. For years Gigi and Marco had lived in a yellow-tiled mansion on the road to Calangute. Their successful hash import-export business had made them the centre of the chic and popular Italian group. It ended, though, with Gigi's death. Now here was Marco— or rather the ghost of Marco.

When Gigi maxed-out on coke and dope in Bombay, Marco had been jailed in Europe; he had missed her death and funeral. Now he seemed to be following her footsteps to doom. As Marco fell apart, so did his business, his finances, his circle of friends. He'd lost the house, sold his possessions, and existed somehow, here and there, with his daughter. Formerly elegant and stylish, he now epitomized the slimy junky—dirty, lying, hustling, stealing whatever wasn't tied down, and fixing anything he could lay his hands on.

At first I felt terrible for him. Over and over we watched my movie of their wedding—ravishing Gigi, brown hair gliding over her laughing face as she climbed into Greek Robert's jeep for the ride to Hanuman ice cream shop in Mapusa. We watched as she and Marco listened to the ceremony in the government office. Marco stared at the movie in fascination. Over and over. The jeep ride, the ice cream, the government ceremony.

"Show it again," he'd say.

"Again?"

He'd give me an Italian-type lift of the chin.

Then Marco became a problem. Objects vanished as he passed them—a Balinese mask, an ampoule of distilled water, a used needle. He pestered my customers. He borrowed cigarettes and beedies, hustled hits of this and that, and asked people to buy him soda.

I tried talking to him. "Marco, did you take that syringe?"

"What syringe?"

"Come on, I know you have it." I hated to sound picky, but I was reaching the end of my charitableness. "It's forty rupees if you're going to keep it—and listen, I'd rather you didn't hustle everybody like that. A little hustle is okay, but you asked every single person here for some of their stash. They're getting annoyed. You’ll ruin my business if customers stop coining because of you."

He made apologetic promises, but his eyes still searched the room for objects to steal.

I decided I could no longer let him in the house. The next time he came to the door, I didn't open it. I made him go to a back window instead. "I'm sorry. I can't let you in anymore," I told him. "I don't trust you. If you want to buy something, it has to be through the window."

I thought I'd never see him again, but he still came every day. How horrible. The only window that was the right height and not fully exposed to passers-by was a back one in the kitchen. Beneath it lay the garbage lump where the maid deposited things that couldn't he burned. It faced the Goan toilets and rested over the septic tank. Marco stood there in the trash to buy his drugs from between metal window bars. I felt a brute. I had trouble meeting his eyes as I handed him packets through the bars. He had trouble meeting me.

And then came Maria. Maria turned out to be even worse than Marco. What was happening to the Goa Freaks?

The couple Maria and Stefano, both Italian, had a little girl, four years old. Stefano wasn't a customer of mine, only Maria. Maria had been to the Saloona a few times for smack and coke, but the first time I paid attention to her was when she arrived towing a semi straight backpacker. Here was a real hustler, I thought.

"Ciao, Cleo," she said, as if we were best buddies. "Meet my friend here. What is your name again? He wants to buy coke." When the guy wasn't looking, she made a face and winked at me as co conspirator. "How much money do you have?" she asked him, keeping a grip on his arm while he dog in his pockets.

"Uh, you said I could score a quarter . . ."

She took the money from his hand and helped him count. "You have plenty. You can buy me a gram. I need some for later."

Not long after he bought her the gram, Maria had him out the door with a wave, a tolerant smile, and a see-you-later. Smooth.

I'd seen my share of compulsive coke fixers, but nobody equalled Maria, despite her useless veins. Like many women, she had difficulty getting into one. Men's veins were more prominent and visible. Sometimes Maria tried unsuccessfully for twenty minutes, practically in tears and totally obsessed with plunging the now-disgusting liquid into her arm.

"Maria!" I'd say, spotting the glop in her syringe. "You can't fix that! Yuk! The blood in there coagulated fifteen minutes ago."

Her concentration wouldn't waver. With drops of sweat dangling from her bangs she'd continue prodding.

"It's STUCK!" she'd wail eventually in the most pitiful tone imaginable. "The needle's clogged!"

"Well, of course. Look at that stuff. It's turned to jello."

Not allowing it to go to waste, she'd remove the needle and squirt the disgusting goo into her mouth before starting over.

All of Goa knew about Maria. Having run out of money long ago, she hustled from everyone. She was very pretty, very cute, and very good at what she did. Since I made bhongs and lines for the people around me, she made herself my best friend. She was terrific—emptied ashtrays, fetched sodas, collected money, opened the door for Bach when he barked. Charming and funny, Maria told stories that made people laugh, enchanting the masses with her Italian accent and her big brown eyes. She brought me many customers, people I'd never seen before, picked up from who-knew-which beach. It was amazing the way she finagled strangers into buying her drugs.

As the season progressed, the hippies, backpackers, and tourists began to leave, and the Goa Freaks who still had money began to run low. Soon I noticed that the profits at day's end did not match the amount of packets supposedly sold. Maria was stealing my drugs!

One day I caught her—Maria with her grubby hand in my metal box. "Ah, Cleo, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. . . "

Furiously, I grabbed her by the hair, threw her out the door, and kicked her down the steps. She landed in a shrieking heap at the bottom. I slammed the door.

She stopped coming alter that, but I could tell when she sent someone to buy drugs for her. Whenever I found an unknown, straightish, backpacker-type on my doorstep, I knew Maria wasn't far away. Sometimes I'd see her hiding behind the well, waiting.

As the season progressed I had fewer and fewer customers, and the customers had less and less money. In April I learned the most important lesson of the drug retail business—NEVER GIVE CREDIT!!! Too bad it took me so long to figure that out.

Maria owed me money, but she was one of many. I had a discouraging list of people indebted to me. Since I never gave credit without holding something as collateral, I possessed a staggering amount of bric-a-brac. By the end of April, I had eight watches, five rings, four passports, three gold chains, two tape players, two silver bracelets, one silver belt, a silver candlestick holder, a radio, a pair of almost-new cowboy boots, a gold locket, an ivory elephant, a shapeless piece of jade, a piece of amber with a insect frozen within, a Swiss army knife, pictures of loved ones . . . None of this junk, though, served as currency when it came to resupplying my store.

Uh-oh—I was in trouble.

And I'd never paid Lino the rent money for the year. Though I'd earned a fortune that season in profits. I'd consumed a fortune in drugs and given away another fortune's worth. Now, as I lost customers to the approaching monsoon, I felt the weight of the credit I'd given. I tacked up notices saying NO CREDIT. Alas, too late. I could only afford smaller and smaller quantities. Soon Rachid stopped his man from delivering to my door. Because I could afford only a few grams at a time, I sometimes had to traipse to Mapusa twice a day. Soon the Saloona didn't work anymore.

Lack of capital caused the major problems. I needed more cash on hand to purchase stock from Rachid's man in Mapusa. How could I get it? I had to recall the money owed me. But how? Some people had already left for the monsoon. Those who still came could barely afford what they were buying, and if I pressed them too hard, I might lose the few customers I had left.

Maria. That traitor! She owed twenty-six hundred rupees. If I could recover that, I'd be in bester condition.

I went to Stefano, her boyfriend and father of her child, to demand payment of Maria's bill. Poor Stefano. I was hardly the only one with whom Maria had this conflict. Half the beach had approached him with the same complaint.

So, no help there. My cash problem worsened. Paradise Pharmacy, my most reliable buyer, also lost customers to the monsoon. They stopped their weekly order. What to do now? I had no choice-I had to sell some of the baubles I was holding as security on debts. What did those people think I was, anyway? Credit Lyonnais? I spread the word that the last opportunity for people to reclaim their property had arrived. Come now and get this junk of yours or you'll never see it again. Only one person took me up on it and reclaimed his passport. I waited one more week, then went to Mapusa in a taxi full of merchandise.

Oh, god—look at this. I must look like a burglar, standing in the market place clutching eight watches. Ridiculous. But there was nothing else to do. I chose a spot where I could partially hide behind stalks of sugarcane. On one side of me sat an Indian woman with a stack of papaya; on the other an Indian woman with bananas.

"BA-NA-NA," cried the one.

"PA-PA-YA," yelled the other.

Well, okay. Here goes. I closed my eyes and took a breath.

"WATCHES! EUROPEAN WATCHES! COME CHECK THEM OUT!" I felt like a Class A retard. Must have looked like one too, hiding there in the sugarcane.

"GENUINE MITSUHISHI CASSETTE PLAYER!" Yippee, was this really me?

"BA-NA-NA!"

"AUTHENTIC TEXAS COWBOY BOOTS!" Had I really said that? Now I knew I was an asshole.

"BA-NA-NA!"

"BOOTS!"

One or two people stopped, gave me knowing looks, and browsed through my wares.

"You have maybe a Panasonic record player?" one asked.

"Sorry, no."

"You can get?"

Did I look like an international electronics distributor, standing there in a fish market with eight watches on my arms? Or did he think I would steal one for him?

"Sorry."

After being bargained down to nothing, I sold one watch and then went to the woman from Paradise Pharmacy for help. "Try that store across the square," she whispered. "Ask for the manager."

Obviously a fence, the manager had no doubt about how I'd acquired the collection of jewellery and assorted plunder. I felt exactly like the breaking-and-entering lowlife he imagined me to be. Of course he paid only the minimum. He evaluated the gold chains according to the weight of the gold; the same for the beautiful locket. I could have gotten more if I'd continued hawking them in the market, but I lacked the patience and the confidence. How embarrassing! I wanted to bury my face in a cowboy boot.

I kept the passports as long as I could, but eventually those too were sold, this time to Rachid.

"I will take all the passports you can get, darling. Two hundred dollars for an American or a Swiss passport, one hundred for other nationalities." Apparently passports were more valuable than gold.

One day Marco came to my back window with news and a request. Maria lay in the hospital in a coma. Could I contribute to the find they were collecting to pay her hospital bill?

"Of course," I answered. For weeks Maria had been a best friend to me. It didn’t matter if the friendship was partly a hustle; the relationship had existed. She was a fellow Goa Freak. She belonged to my Goa community. We had to help each other. "What's wrong with her?" I asked.

"She collapsed unconscious last night."

"What about dope? She shouldn't withdraw on top of whatever else is wrong with her. Does the hospital know about her drug habits?" Marco shook his head. "Maybe we should put dope in her I.V. bottle. Just enough for her not to be sick. I tried it once; I think it'll work."

"I'm meeting Stefano this evening at the hospital. Want to come?" he asked.

"Okay.”

Stefan (Maria's boyfriend), Marco, and I met later in Mapusa and discussed how to get dope into Maria's unconscious body. I gave Stefano half a gram to hold her a few days. I only saw Maria as a faraway bundle in a bed.

The three of us set up a schedule of shifts to sit with her. I had the morning, since it was the only time I could get away without losing a lot of customers. It would mean sacrificing much of my sleep time, though.

I arranged for a motorcycle driver to pick me up every morning at nine-thirty. Eeek, now I was more tired than ever. I needed even more coke.

Within day Maria was alert and mobile but scared and totally miserable. I continued my shift to keep her company and prevent her from leaving before she recovered. I stayed at her side until Stefano or Marco replaced me as sentry. She cried.

"Ah, Cleo. Thank you for coming. You're still my friend, no? You don't hate me like the others, do you? You know, I'm so sorry. I never meant anything bad. Please be my friend again."

There seemed to be two Marias there. One warm, sensitive, and terrified, crying over not wanting her daughter to see her in the hospital. The other was crafty. Her eyes gleamed as she scanned me to determine where I'd hidden my coke. The transition as she changed from Maria to Coke Amuck Maria was dramatic and unmistakable. Her face underwent a metamorphosis—the tension of the muscles, the shape of the eyes, the curl of the lila. Her body would stiffen like a predatory animal. I never mistook which one I was dealing with. I couldn't communicate with Coke Amuck Maria. She didn't listen. Her answers came brief and vague as she concentrated on discovering the whereabouts of my stash. I kept the coke taped to my body, beneath my clothes. Coke Amuck Maria was so skilful at gaining access to it, though, that if I left the hospital with it intact, I felt a sense of accomplishment.

The way coke nuts got their paws on coke was almost magical.

But I also saw a real Maria there, a desperate and sad Maria who needed not to be hated. I brought her flasks of coconut milkshake and Five Star candy bars, and we played games. She was bored and miserable. One day I brought my projector and movies to cheer her up.

"Ah, Gigi," she exclaimed as we watched Gigi and Marco's wedding. "She was my good friend." The scared look came into her eyes again.

One morning I arrived to find Maria gone. She had signed herself out. No, she hadn't paid the hospital bill. And no, the hospital would not give me back my projector and films until the bill was paid. Sorry.

The end of the season came and passed. My business trickled to nothing as the last stragglers fashioned scams and left Goa. Every day another house was boarded up against the monsoon. I had to get out of there. Meanwhile, not only had I not paid Lino the year's rent, I'd once again accumulated a large bill with the maid, Apolon's  chai shop, Joe Banana, and Gregory's restaurant.

Then the business died completely. No more coke. No more smack. No money. Uh-oh.

I scrounged the beach begging bhongs from whom ever had something. Alehandro was still usable as a last resort, but' even that source dried up as Alehandro made plans to move to Bombay. Every week another credit-giving chai shop shut as its owner prepared for summer toil in the rice field. When Apolon's chai shop closed, my trouble deepened, for that had been my last source of food.

I had to do something, but what? Realistically I knew I was incapable of handling another run. Aware of the mistakes I'd made the previous monsoon, I knew I was even less shipshape than then. My brain was scrambled by coke and exhaustion. I couldn't trust myself to carry through another scam. Besides, no one was begging to hire me. Bony, and with the diamond back in my nose, I didn't look like the candidate most likely to cross an Immigration desk unmolested.

Poor Bach—I barely managed to keep him fed with peanut butter. Then, in desperation, I hooked up with Birmingham Phillip. He had dope, a bhong, and food for Bach. Egads, a Birmingham Boy! Had it really come to this? Fortunately he was too smacked-out to think about sex or romance. I packed my house and moved to his place by Nelson's Bar. Nelson Bar, the Birmingham Boy hangout. Bad scene here. Real bad. Horrible. Oh, help.

One day I spoke imploringly to a tree in front of Phillip's house. I caressed its hark. "Please," I beseeched it, "get me out of here. I can't feed Bach anymore." I looked for a spot that wasn't overrun by crawling things and laid my cheek against it. "Please help me, tree. Maybe Bombay would be better. At least there'd be people there. Help me get to Bombay. Or anywhere. Help me, tree. GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

The next day I went to my house to pick up clothes. While inside I heard a motorcycle roar to a stop. Strange. There hadn't been a motorcycling visitor in at least two months.

A knock.

I opened to see a customer of mine from the days of smokers and sniffers.

An orange person. A Rajneesh sannyasi. "HEY, HI! I can't believe it! What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I came to see how you were. Need anything?"

"Wow, do I ever! Could you take me to Bombay? Oh, PLEASE! Get me out of here! I'm trapped." He nodded.

But I would have to leave Bach. Aw, Bach. It was impossible to bring him with me. I wrapped my arms around my furry companion. He licked my ear. Don't, worry, Bach, I'll be back. Then be able to feed you the tasty treats you deserve—prawns in wine sauce every day.

I ran to Laura, who hadn't been off Anjuna Beach since the time we'd been in Bali. I knew she'd be there.

"Sure, I take care of Bach," she told me, "but he didn't stay with me last time, and I doubt he’ll stay now."

Oh, my little Bach. Forgive me. There's no way I can survive the monsoon down here.

After two days on the bike, we arrived in Bombay. My orange friend dropped me at the Crown Hotel—disgusting, loathsome, and cheap. Without cheer I waved goodbye as he headed back to Poona. Maybe I'd have been better off starving in Goa after all. Now what?

The rains came. Bombay was as deserted as Goa had been. By this time anybody with half a mind had found some way to leave the country. Only the last drugs of the down-and-outers remained.

Bila from Dipti's allowed me to eat on credit, but I knew that many failed Goa Freaks owed him money, and he couldn't afford to support us all. Because of us Bila was in debt himself. I hated to take advantage of his generosity. I limited myself to one dish of his ice cream a day. The man from the travel agency that arranged visa renewals lent me rupees for a few days at the hotel.

A week later I was still desperate and also hungry. Not eating because you didn't have money to buy food was different from not eating because you were too stoned to eat. I wasn't anywhere near stoned. I rationed myself tiny bits of the  tola of opium I'd acquired on credit from the Chor Bazaar opium den.

July 1979. Birmingham Bobby approached me on the street, hoping for a free hit of dope. After I disappointed him by not having any, he recounted the police trouble the Birmingham Boys had had in England: Birmingham Timmy was in jail there, Bobby himself couldn't return. Like me, Bobby was broke.

He slept on the streets with the beggars.

Holy cow! Living like an Indian beggar. Could that happen to me? It was not impossible, I concluded.

And so, in fear of a similar face, I contacted Rachid and became initiated into his traveller’s checks scam. Fleecing vacationers seemed the only means of survival. As I spent days in the rain with Dandruff and luckless tourists, I consoled my conscience by thinking they'd get their traveller’s checks refunded. The taste of raspberry doughnuts also helped soothe my mind. At least I no longer worried about food, drugs, or shelter.

Or rather, I didn't worry until I found myself in the New Delhi police station. With Dandruff in the cell that said "Ladies." And me in a police inspector's office. Under a desk. Chained to the desk. With the inspector stroking my hair and whispering how he would make everything okay.

"You are not having to cry," he said. "I can make everything okay for you. I can take away this manacle even, if you are wishing."

Arrested and chained to a desk—what to do now? I wanted to sleep. I wanted to forget everything for a while. How to handle the inspector? I didn't have many options. I could hassle with the guy, make a fuss, make an enemy of him, and probably not be able to sleep for hours. Or I could manipulate him with a clever story so he'd leave me alone. But that, too, would take hours, and my brain didn't have the energy to be that creative. Or I could give him what he wanted, which probably wouldn't take five minutes. After that I'd be able to sleep in peace. Maybe he'd even help me out of this mess. Of the choices, his way seemed the easiest and the most potentially rewarding.

"Okay," I told him.

"Okay?"

In the darkness I imagined a lecherous smile on his face. With a clanging, rattling, and jangling, he unchained my leg—and it didn't even take five minutes. After another two, I slept.

Morning filled the Office with activity—servants ferried glasses of water, police bandied papers, civilians shot in and out asking questions. The inspector couldn't have been sweeter to me. He plied me with tea and fried Indian food; jumped to find someone to accompany me to the bathroom every time I wanted to go; asked if I needed anything, anything at all. He treated Dandruff differently. He kept Dandruff handcuffed to a wooden chair, ignored everything he said, and spoke to him harshly. Dandruff hadn't had dope since the day before and felt sick. Good—the double-crossing creep. I had a ball of opium inside my dress.

In the afternoon Dandruff and I were driven to a courthouse. Rachid sent a lawyer for us, but I had barely spoken a word to him before being deposited in a lathes' bathroom, where two fat females in white saris guarded me. When they called me to the courtroom, Dandruff and I were pushed through a mob of turbaned Sikh lawyers and their clients. I didn't know when our turn had come. Our lawyer stood three feet, but several people, away, and I couldn't understand a word he said. Then I was led back to the bathroom. What had been decided? What would happen to me now? No one could understand my questions.

In the evening a guard ushered me to a truck. Scores of chained male prisoners were herded inside, and then, after a grilled door had been closed behind them, I was signalled to climb aboard. A long ride later we arrived at Tihar Jail. Machine guns protruded from corner towers. Machine guns! Yippee.

Once we were inside, a guard brought me to a side area. Another female prisoner waited there. She was being searched.

Oh, shit! My Opium. I couldn't lose the opium now. Oh, no!

I hurriedly dog it from my dress and held it in my palm. One of the guards ran her hands over my body. While she searched my feet I shoved the opium under my tongue. She moved up my torso and opened each palm in turn. Nothing there. With my head bent down so she could slide her hands through my hair, I snatched the opium from my mouth and pressed it into my hand again. Next she looked in my mouth—behind every tooth. She was satisfied.

Whew! How had I managed that?

The Indian prisoners went in one direction, and I was led in another through a garden, into a maze of walls.

"Here she is!" I heard suddenly, and I saw two Westerners run to me with big smiles. "Hello, there! Welcome to Tihar. I'm Frin. This is Marie-Andree."

Marie-Andree spoke Hindi to the guard, who then went away. What a relief to be among people I could communicate with—and they seemed thrilled by my arrival. They lavished good wishes on me as they took me to our quarters. Originally isolation cells, the compound now housed foreign nationals.

"We have this whole area for ourselves," I was told. "Tomorrow we'll show you around. Class A prisoners five in a mansion. That's where they kept Indira Gandhi."

"Indira Gandhi was here? Wow!"

"Tihar is a renowned prison," said Frin. "You know the entrance hall you just passed? That's where Sanjay Gandhi made his famous speech after his arrest."

Our compound had ten cells. The three of us occupied the front ones. At the other end lived an Indian prisoner who acted as Frin and Marie-Andree's servant. Her three children stayed with her. The other cells were empty. Each had two rooms: an outer one, with Bars on the front and roof, and an inner one with a toilet, and plastered ceiling and walls. A barred door connected the two rooms. Marie-Andree draped a blanket over mine for privacy. Frin filled my arms with necessary items, like mosquito repellent, toothpaste, and toilet paper.

Marie-Andree had decorated her rooms with pictures, electronics, and brought-in furniture. As the three of us lounged on her comfortable sofa and enjoyed the dinner cooked by the servant, we exchanged information about ourselves.

Marie-Andree, a French Canadian, had been arrested three years before when her boyfriend, Charles Sobraj, was picked up for mass murder. Apparently while the two of them had been travelling Asia, Charles had been leaving a trail of dead bodies. The authorities didn't believe Marie-Andree had been ignorant of Charles's escapades and arrested them together. With her case famous in Canada, Marie-Andree received stacks of letters from people wanting to help her. She even had one from Prime Minister Trudeau.

Frin, an American, had been caught at the airport smuggling hash. She'd been in Tihar eight months. She and Marie-Andree were pleased to have new company and sounded disappointed when I told them I was in for possessing stolen traveller’s checks.

"That's nothing," said Frin. "You won't be here long."

When I asked about buying opium, Marie-Andree said she'd speak to Charles. In the same way he'd enchanted his victims before killing them Charles bad charmed the director of Tihar. He had the run of the prison and met with Marie-Andree several times a day.

At ten o'clock a guard wearing a sari and jingling her keys came to lock the doors. In a last-minute scramble Frin and Marie-Andree checked that I had everything I'd need.

"Here's a candle in case you want to read after lights-out. You have matches? Mosquito repellent?"

Locked in for the night, I moved the mattress to the front cell to sleep under the stars. Tomorrow I wouldn't have to wangle traveller’s checks from tourists. I wouldn't have to stand with hapless vacationers as they realized their vacation funds had been stolen. Tomorrow I wouldn't have to worry about starving or sleeping on the streets. Maybe this wasn't a bad place to spend the monsoon, after all.

Rock and roll blared from Frin's radio next door. When Elvis came on singing "Jailhouse Rock," Marie-Andree asked her to make it louder, danced. I danced with a door knob like I did at the age of thirteen to the TV show "American Bandstand." The blanket-covered door swung open and closed to my steps.

"If you can't find a partner, use a wooden chair, let's rock, let's rock everybody in the old cellblock was dancing to the jailhouse rock."

The next day I joined Marie-Andree for visiting hours. Class A visiting hours. Visits for the lower classes involved crowded clumps of relatives shouting at crowded clumps of prisoners through three sets of bars. The Class A lounge comprised separate areas of tables and armchairs. I was dying to meet Charles. It's not often one is introduced to a mass murderer.

Shortish and handsome, he had a mesmerizing dazzle to him. His gaze projected genuine concern as he informed me that my opium would be delivered the next morning.

Life looked peachy. I hoped the lawyer wouldn't release me too quickly. I hated the thought of going back to hustling tourists. No, this wasn't a bad place at all. I loved jail.

The next morning I lay nude in the sun after a delicious breakfast made by the servant. A guard arrived and motioned for me to collect my things and follow her. When Marie-Andree ran over to investigate the unusual request, I realized something was wrong. Foreign words flew between them. Marie-Andree grew miffed.

"What's happening?" I asked her.

"It is so stupid. They want to move you to Nari Katin."

"What’s that?"

"It is for juveniles! I am telling her you are not a juvenile."

"I'm twenty-nine."

More exasperated words in Hindi.

"You have to go," Marie-Andree said to me. "They think are sixteen."

"That's ridiculous! They have my passport."

"The director does not believe it. He says you do not look more than sixteen."

People always mistook me for younger than my age, but this was crazy. The man had my passport.

My one dress hung where the servant had left it to dry after washing. Frin lent me one of hers. Marie-Andree packed me a basket of fruit and sundries, and I was whisked away. But my opium! I wouldn't survive long without it, and it would be delivered any second!

No way to stall. The guard led me through the compound where Sanjay Gandhi made his speech and out of Tihar by a side door. Along a dirt path parallel to the road, she escorted me to Nari Katin. I was directed through more gateways and finally to an end building.

Within half an hour of arriving at my new residence, I panicked. Nobody spoke English. Not a soul. Not one word. I was surrounded by young girls, some no more than nine or ten, most of them teenagers. At first a supervisor brought me to a dormitory where sixty beds crammed together. Then she took me to a side room with eight beds. She pointed to an empty bed and patted it. It was a bed in function only, bearing little resemblance to what I'd consider the definition of the term. It was wood. No mattress. No pillow. I was presented with a blanket and a folded rag that was supposed to act as a sheet but that did not come close to approaching the ends of the "bed."

My seven roommates stared at me. They giggled and whispered until they realized I couldn't understand what they were saying, then they snickered and talked louder. Little by little every girl in the complex came to stand in the doorway and look. The latecomers pressed the earlier ones further into the room until they had me surrounded. One touched my hair, and soon a dozen fingers were testing its texture. Growing braver, they explored all of me and all of my things, and by the time one of my roommates shooed them out, half my fruit was missing.

It took linguistic feats coupled with acrobatics to discover the whereabouts of the bathroom. Nothing in my previous travels had prepared me for what I eventually found.

A long building that was once a series of sleeping rooms, its corridor abounded in turds. More turds and running urine covered every room. A six-inch concrete platform in each room seemed to be the most popular place on which to squat and drop one's faeces, but by no means did the prisoners restrict themselves to these areas. They shat wherever there was room for another pile. No toilet paper; I bet none of the girls had ever heard of it. Each room had a spigot, but only one produced water. Apparently the working spigot was where dishes, clothes, and teeth were washed. Needless to say, that room was full of shit too.

Get me out of here.

Dinner consisted of a plate of cold rice and a cold  chapati, a round flat bread that was tasty when fresh and warm but miserable when old and cold. Ugh—I had a cup of tea.

I needed opium. That was my most pressing problem. I would run out the next day. But how could I acquire any when no one understood what I said? I tried the words "opium" and  "chando" with a few of the girls. The effort did little more than entertain them. They watched me mouth words and gesticulate as if I were a mime artist brought in for their amusement. They didn't seem to interpret it as an attempt to communicate.

A pack of nine-year-olds followed me and peered at me from behind pillars. My roommates were older than the other 'prisoners,' and sometimes they came to my rescue, but only after indulging in a long belly laugh at my predicament.

Help—get me out of here!

I slept the first night to the sound of seven people breathing and tossing about. At noon the next day I swallowed the last of my opium. Now what do I do?

My fruit disappeared, everything disappeared. They stole all Marie-Andree's provisions except for the mosquito repellent. I roamed the buildings around the courtyard searching for inspiration or for someone who spoke English. There was neither. Only the front door was locked, and through it came the occasional supervisor. As each new supervisor arrived I tested her as a potential ally, but always with negative results. Not one understood what I said or cared to. As the afternoon progressed I became frantic. The Opium was coursing itself out of my body. What do I do? I couldn't imagine being sick in a place like that. I scanned the rooftops. Could I escape over them?

GET ME OUT OF HERE.

More meals of cold rice. I drank the tea. By night time I was terrified. What would I be like in the morning?

When I awoke to the next day's bang and clatter, I was afraid to open my eyes and take stock of my body. It was, however, impossible to sleep with seven people moving around and dragging things noisily across the floor. The wood beneath me dug into my right shoulder, my hip bone, one knee, and an elbow. When someone burst into the room screeching, I surrendered hope of falling back to sleep. How did I feel? Scared. And weak. Uncomfortable. And hot. I threw off the blanket and sat up. Four little girls hung on the doorjamb and stared at me. Now I was freezing. Here it goes. It's starting. Now I'd just get sicker and sicker.

I wrapped the blanket around me like an Eskimo and rushed out of the room. I went to the locked front entrance. Nobody there. I prowled the courtyard. No one anywhere. Only children. Children who spoke English. Three paraded behind me, giggling. I returned to the front door and waited there a while, but nothing happened. Nobody came. I had to calm down, I told myself. I wasn't that sick. Maybe the opium had withdrawn me from the smack the way methadone did for heroin users. On the other hand, if the sickness was just starting, now was my chance for action, while I wasn't that bad. But there was nothing on which to act. CALM DOWN.

If only I had something to read. Or something to do. But there was nothing. What about a sunbath? Maybe I could enjoy the hot sun on my skin.

I went to the far corner of the courtyard, spread the blanket on the concrete, took off my clothes, and lay down. Every single one of the girls came out and stared at me. I closed my eyes.

Within a minute I heard a voice. "Please, you dress," it said. I looked up to see a woman in a green sari. "Have you no shame?" she continued. "We do not behave in that manner in this country."

As I shake my head I saw eighty girls laughing hysterically. Oh, yes, now I remembered. Indians never saw each other naked. They never even looked at their own bodies. When they washed themselves, they kept their clothes on and washed around this and around that. I'd forgotten.

I dressed and went searching for that woman. She'd spoken English. Where had she gone?

I found her in a room adjacent to the dormitory. I begged her. "I have to get out of this place! I don't belong here! I'm twenty-nine! I've been living in India four years! Get me back to Tihar! Please!"

"I am sorry," she said. "I am simply the music teacher. You must to speak with someone else."

"But nobody understands me!"

"I am sorry. I can do nothing." She held an odd-shaped stringed instrument that she offered to one of the girls sitting at her feet. The girl accepted it and plucked. A twang filled the air.

Get me out of here.

I paced the room while the teacher instructed the girls how to twang mercilessly on the instrument. They ignored me. I had to do something. Think! Think! Think! Suddenly pieces of glass from a nearby broken window sparked an idea. Could I fake a suicide attempt? I selected a triangle of glass, looked sharp. Filthy. I made a swipe with it along my wrist. Ugh—the glass was so dirty I'd probably get tetanus or something. I made another cut. It didn't bleed, but I couldn't bring myself to do more. I squeezed out a speck of blood. I looked around. Nobody cared what I was doing. Finally I heard someone walk nearby, and I turned to provide her with a better view. Footsteps. I heard an exclamation; I'd been spotted. An older girl removed the glass from my hand. She called the teacher. I gave another squeeze to produce blood.

"What are you doing? You must not do thusly," the teacher said as she led me to a glass of water She dunked a handkerchief and rubbed my wrist with it. The dirt smeared. "Sit," she told me. "You sit here." She continued her lesson, and a crescendo of horrible twangs surrounded me.

That was the end of that.

By late afternoon I thought I'd go off my rocker. I paced; tried in vain to sleep; paced some more. Then, surprise! A social worker came to see me. She spoke English!

"Please, please," I pleaded with her. "Get me back to Tihar. I'm twenty-nine. I don't belong here."

She looked at my wrist, where the results of my great effort had all but disappeared. "What have you done and why do you not eat?"

"Huh? Not eat? Oh, well  . . ."  She'd thrown me with that question. I hadn't eaten anything since I'd been brought to Nari Katin, but that hadn't fazed me. Food was the last thing on my mind. "Well, cold rice . . . I can't eat cold rice. But I don't care about food. I just want to go back to Tihar. Please, will you help me? Please, please, please?"

She shook her head yes, but I was not convinced. "If I see what I can do, will you eat?" She tapped my wrist. "And not do anything foolish?"

She left, and I was certain nothing would be done. That night two of my roommates had a fight. They punched and kicked and hurled everything that came to hand. A three-foot-tall clay jug shattered, sloshing water across the floor. Mirrors and a picture of Shiva and Parvati smashed against the wall. Handfuls of hair flew in the air.

Four supervisors plus a male sentry finally pulled them apart. Meanwhile they'd made a shambles of our room, and I had to sleep in the dormitory. Hard wooden bed beneath me; sixty breathing, snoring, coughing, crying-in-their-sleep Indian girls around me, the nearest one with her underpants around her knees, masturbating all night. And I'd wanted an adventure!

In the morning the social worker rescued me. She escorted me by jeep to the courthouse and arranged my return to Tihar. I gave her an enormous hug.

Ah, Tihar! You'd have thought I'd been granted entrance to the Garden of Eden.

"Frin! Marie-Andree!" I rushed into my friends' arms.

I had to be the happiest person on the planet. Marie-Andree gave me the opium that had arrived two minutes after I'd been taken away. The servant cooked a scrumptious dinner. I had my old room back.

I pulled the mattress to the front of my cell to sleep under the stars. As I lay watching their brightness through the striped outline of bars, I contemplated the state of affairs that had made returning to New Delhi's Tihar Jail such a blissful event. Somewhere along the line I'd lost control of my life. Not to mention my finances. How was I going to pay Lino the rent? I still owed him for last year. I seemed on the verge of losing everything, including control, caution, and good sense. Maybe it was time to leave India.

NO.

India was my home. Besides, with the monsoon nearing its end, a new Goa season awaited.

After another week Rachid bailed me out.

Since it was already September, Rachid agreed it was time for me to reopen my dope den in Goa. My court case wasn't finished yet, and the New Delhi police still had my passport, but legal things took time, and the lawyer could take care of details while I was away. I wasn't about to stay in Delhi while a new season began in Goa.

In Bombay I delighted in finding real people, my people—not the unsavoury types Rachid had working for him. In a suite at the Nataraj Hotel I found Junky Robert and Tish and their new baby. Finished with her motherly duty of giving birth, Tish was snorting dope again.

Rich once more, Robert and Tish had established a legitimate business, importing cane furniture into Florida. They passed me lines of coke while describing the condo they'd bought in Miami Beach. Robert lectured on the wonders of Singapore cane chairs, then segued into a harangue on the benefits of family life.

"I'm a father now. I have to think about her," he said, lifting a gold razor blade from the coke and aiming it at the baby.

Tish and Robert still owed me money from the scam I'd invested in two years before. I didn't have to remind them—they handed me a thousand dollars in cash, plus a generous stash of dope.

The next morning I changed dollars at a black-market exchange in Colaba, bought a flea collar for Bach from a black-market dealer in Crawford Market, and took the boat to Goa. Hallelujah, I was headed home!

Fifth Season in Goa

1979 — 1980

"BACH! BACH!" I WRAPPED my arms around the writhing bundle of fur that bounded into them "Oh, Bach. Look how big you've grown. Bach, I missed you so."

Since I'd cabled my arrival date to the maid, the house was fixed and waiting. I closed the front door and sat on the inside steps as furry animal jumped all over me. Oh, Bach, I don't ever want to leave you again. I don't ever want to leave this house again. I love this place. How am I going to pay the rent?

Lino arrived within an hour. Amazing how news can travel fast without a telephone.

"The money's on the way," I promised him. "It's been sent from New York. Should be here any day."

How could I possibly amass the two years rent I owed him? I wouldn't think about it now. As long as I had Bach and the house and the beach, everything was just wonderful. For the moment, at least.

I put on a slinky red and gold Chinese dress and dyed Bach's tail and one of his legs with red food colouring. I made his ears gold. Then, shouldering a red parasol, I headed for Joe Banana's. Cleo was back.

I stopped by Alehandro's, Sasha's, Kurt's tree, and Eight-Finger Eddy's porch. I joined the gang at the south end to watch the sunset, and then a group of us went to Gregory's restaurant for buffalo steak. Bach ate prawns in wine sauce. I was home. I loved Anjuna Beach—every grain of sand, each palm tree, and every water buffalo. It was impossible to love anything more than I loved Anjuna Beach.

The next day I visited Canadian Jacques, Norwegian Monica, and Pharaoh. Pans and Paul, together again, were renting their same house by Joe Banana's. Siena and Bernard lived in a new one behind the paddy fields. Graham had returned next door. The beach parties resumed at the south end.

Home.

But the dope den never regained its vigour. During the previous year's high season it had been a tremendous success. This year it never got off the ground. Oh, I sold a lot. But I also consumed a lot, and somehow the two couldn't keep nice. My enthusiasm for the enterprise evaporated. It required so much work. It was no longer a challenge—just a hassle. I couldn't even show the movies since they, along with the projector, were still being held hostage by the hospital, awaiting payment of Maria's bill.

I lacked stamina. I barely had the strength to go to the south end for a swim. For the first time I used the beach in back of the house. Previously I'd swam there only in a heat emergency. The south end was the place to hang out; the middle beach was for tourists who didn't know better.

Come to think of it, the south end had become less popular over the pass few years. When I'd first arrived Goa Freaks packed its shores every day. As of Tate, though, more and more people stayed away, preferring to remain indoors, around the bhong, smoking dope. There hadn't been a crowd at the south end in a long time. Whatever happened to the volleyball net, I wondered?

So now I swam at the middle beach, with its hidden jagged rocks waiting for a toe to scrape. I took Bach in the water with me. When the colour washed out of his fur, I coloured him again. I'd match him to whatever I wore that day. When I dressed in purple, Bach wagged a purple tail.

One day a catastrophe befell my area—they found a dead French Junky in the well. Nobody knew who he was. He must have stumbled into it during the night and drowned. The well was now polluted, ruined. The Goans living nearby depended entirely on that well. This was a major disaster.

It took the Goans three days to haul out the water and dredge up the bottom mud. Besides the inconvenience, to the superstitious Catholic natives a dead person in your drinking water was considered as bad an omen as you could get. They said it would be years before the well could be used again. In the meantime we'd have to use the one on the other side of Graham's house, by the paddy field—a arduous trek when carrying a bucket of water. Now it wasn't easy to find Goans willing to fill my water tank. One flush of the toilet cost two trips to the well. I'd have to ask my customers to use the outdoor pig-as-waste-disposal toilet.

Rachid's man wouldn't deliver to my door; I had to make the long journey into Mapusa for daily drug supplies. Hassle. I worried about the customers I was losing while I was away.

Then I realized my biggest problem: The Sikh chai shop.

During the monsoon a new chai shop had opened on the other side of Graham's house. I'd noticed their building of brick and palm fronds when I'd first returned. The Sikhs served Chicken Tikka and Chicken Masala, along with dope, coke, hash, and morphine. If customers came while I was out, they didn't wait; they bought from the Sikhs instead. The price was the same and the quality not much different.

By November I was once again suffering a scarcity of capital. I bought smaller quantities from Rachid's man in Mapusa, ran out faster, returned sooner to Mapusa, and lost more customers during my absence. I urgently needed a chunk of money to buy stock, plus a chunk to pay the maid, the electric bill, the gang of people now needed to fill the water tank . . . and the rent.

Uh-oh. What do I do?

I'd have to sell some things. How barbaric. To sell one's possessions—gross. But I could think of no other solution. I'd have to hawk my belongings at the flea market. Like a peasant. There went my reputation.

It had been years since I'd gone to a flea market. When I asked Norwegian Monica what day of the week they were held, I was shocked to hear that the flea markets were no longer on Anjuna Beach.

"What do you mean they're not here any more? The flea market used to be a major event."

"Not anymore," Monica answered. "Hoo, boy—the Anjuna people don't have the same energy."

What was happening to my beach? We used to be the centre of all goings-on.

The flea markets were now in Calangute every Friday afternoon and were mostly frequented by Goans, not Goa Freaks. Calangute! What a pain. That meant I'd have to hire a motorbike and schlepp my stuff. One of my customers—a straightish newcomer to Goa—said he was going to the next market: and suggested we make the trip together.

"Okay, I guess so," I answered dejectedly.

I hated the idea. Even in my poorest days of travelling in Europe, I'd never sold anything at a flea market. I hadn't even sold my car when I left Amsterdam for Israel. Instead, I gave the car away and arrived in Tel Aviv on a one-way ticket with twenty-five dollars to my name. To me, selling personal possessions was an admission of financial failure, a real down and-out statement. Was this what I'd come to?

How awful choosing what to part with. I decided I could live without the iron, a leather backgammon board, a few tapes I was sick of listening to . . . Depressing.

Early Friday morning a motorcycle driver came for me. Straightish Newcomer arrived too, the back of his bike piled with things to sell. A flat area in Calangute near a school served as the flea market. Whatever vegetation once grew there had been trampled into the red dirt. Straightish found us a spot by a tree, and we spread cloths to lay our wares on. I'd brought a hammer and nails so I could hang signs advertising my goods and their prices. The tree could serve as a backrest and ad board.

I never got the opportunity to write signs, though. Within minutes of arriving, I discovered what selling at a flea market entailed. As I took the backgammon board out of my bag, a middle-aged Goan grabbed it.

"Oh, wait—I'm not ready yet," I said. "Would you mind coming back in a few minutes?" Either she didn't understand or she pretended not to. She proceeded to open the board and raised her eyebrows in surprise as she saw the unfamiliar numbers on the betting cube, which she probably mistook for a the. Chips tumbled to the ground. "Oh, wait! You dropped my . . ."

Before I knew it, three more Indians flocked over. I snatched the chips from under their Feet and continued unpacking. I pulled out a Nepalese dancing mask; someone grappled it from my hand. The Indians watched hungrily as I reached in for more. An old man tugged at the bag's flap for a view inside.

"Uh, would you all mina coming back in five minutes, please?" I said. "Let me set up first." The man inserted his arm in the bag. "Wait a minute! Not ready vet. Five minutes. Wait five minutes."

Nobody listened. A woman bent to examine the iron. Three men rummaged through my tapes.

"How much this?" one of them asked.

"What this?" asked another.

"I give ten rupee for two?" said a third.

"Those are ten rupees each. But, please, if you give me a minute write the prices." They didn't give me a minute. I hadn't taken out half my stock before the Indians swamped me, wanting to know what everything was and how much it cost.

"WAIT A MINUTE! Will you wait a minute!" Indians had surrounded me, and when I managed to peer past two of them, couldn't see Straightish, for there was another mob around him. "WATT!" I yelled. "Stand back a bit. I'm suffocating here. Look, you're standing on my cloth! Back. Back. Move back." I waved my arms. They ignored me.

"What this?" three people asked at the same time, holding different objects under my nose.

"How much? Do rupea, okay?"

From beneath my skirt I retrieved the wallet tied around my waist. I opened a paper package of coke and snorted a couple of fingernails full.

"What this?" said a Goan woman, probing a Thai box in the shape of a turtle. The top fell off and someone stepped on it. I did three more nails-full.

"What this?" I did one more.

"ALRIGHT!" I shouted. "NOW WAIT! I'm going to write price tags, see, and they're going to say exactly what everything is and how much it costs."

"I give five rupee for this."

"No! No bargaining. Now everybody stand back and let me finish. And you, GET YOUR FOOT OFF MY CLOTH!  CELLO! CELLO!"

They allowed me a foot of space when I yelled, but within seconds they had closed in again. I snorted more coke and refused to answer anyone. I jotted prices. Tapes, ten rupees each. Blender, three hundred rupees. Iron—

"What this?"

"How much?"

I glared ferociously. "READ THE TAG!"

More coke.

As soon as I finished the price tags I realized they wouldn't work. I had no adhesive tape for affixing them. No one bothered to read them, and whatever the Goans picked up to examine they put down in another spot, far from its informative tag. Soon I had a collection of little tags that weren't near anything. Someone placed the four hundred rupee iron near a five rupee tag.

"Five rupee this?"

"NO," I shouted, my fists clenched and fury in my voice. "FIVE RUPEE THAT!" I plunked the rightful object near its price tag.

More coke.

Nobody bought anything. Apparently Indians enjoyed investigating foreign things. They hadn't the least desire for actual purchase. They crowded around, exploring, touching, opening, discarding, and asking questions.

The piecework pillow I'd brought from Laos appeared half an inch from my chin. "How much this?"

"READ THE TAG!"

Things worsened as the afternoon progressed, and in exasperation, aggravation, and Coke Amuck rage, I lost the ability to talk in a normal tone of voice.

TEN RUPEES, YOU MORON! What this? GET YOUR FOOT OFF MY CLOTH! I give you three rupees. NO BARGAINING! You from America? What this? GET BACK! What this? (more coke) GET OFF THE CLOTH! How much? STAND BACK! (more coke) What this? TEN RUPEES! TEN RUPEES! CAN’T YOU READ? How much? (more coke) WHERE’S THE PILLOW? What this? DID YOU PAY FOR THAT? (more coke) WI TO TOOK THAT PILLOW? (more coke) GIVE BACK THAT TAPE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BUY IT. (more coke) STAND BACK!!!

All of a sudden someone ran away with my iron. HEY, COME BACK WITH THAT . . . If I chased the thief, my unguarded things would be stolen, but if I remained seated. I'd lose the iron.

In need of immediate action, I seized the nearest thing—the hammer I had never had a chance to use. I jumped up, bounded into the air after the villain, and bashed him over the head.

Oh, my god. What have I done?

He fell, he seemed to take forever to crumple to the ground, and I had a long time to appraise the situation.

Holy shit.

Layers of Indians surrounded me. They were looking at me or were in the process of turning toward me. Sound blurred. Voices, bongo drums, and the crunch of feet blended into a noise that sounded like the rumble in a seashell. As I glanced around, expressions changed from curiosity to surprise, shock, anger, and then—as they all swiveled to face me—murderous.

I was a foreigner in an ocean of natives, one of whom I'd just knocked unconscious. Oh, shit. My life was over. I was sure of it.

In slow motion they came at me from every side. I clearly saw homicide in the eye of the woman who grabbed my left arm, and the man who grabbed my right one, and the person who grabbed my hair, and the two who took hold of my shoulder, and the one at my elbow. The seashell sound became a giant curse uttered by my captors. I was positive my life was over.

Then suddenly they were gone. Four policemen herded away the lynch mob.

I found out that the man I had hit was a policeman, an undercover Customs officer. Apparently a team of them patrolled flea markets to prevent Westerners from selling taxable items. The officer had taken my iron to investigate its status.

I was led through the mass of angry faces to the Calangute police station. As usual there were no facilities for women, and I was once again kept in a bathroom. An Indian woman sat with me. I went to the toilet to excavate the stash from beneath my dress and snorted a large amount of coke. Then, thinking I should probably calm myself down, I snorted a large hit of dope. On the other hand, I needed to cheer up from that harrowing experience, so I did more coke. Oh my god. Had I killed a policeman?

No, I found out he wasn't dead. He'd been taken to the hospital in Panjim. What would become of me? Would I be imprisoned forever for assaulting an officer of the law?

No. Someone saved me. It was my old friend, Inspector Navelcar. "I know her," he said as he came in and looked at the mob.

He spoke to the others in Konkani, the local language, then motioned that I could go.

"I can go?"

He shook his head Indian style, signalling yes.

Wow. I couldn't believe it. As I left the police station a free person, I felt reborn. The green of the palms looked greener as relief swept through me. I took a deep breath. Close one! I turned to Inspector Navelcar to thank him.

And I remembered Neal.

The last time I'd seen Inspector Navelcar was when I'd gone to Panjim to ask him to have Neal arrested.

"My friend died," I said to him. "It's your fault."

"Pardon?"

"Neal died and it's your fault."

"Who died? What is my fault? What are you talking about?"

"You killed my friend. Remember I asked you to have him arrested and put in a hospital? Well, you didn't and he died."

"I remember now. I thought you simply had an argument with some one. You never returned. I thought the matter was finished."

"You killed him."

"I did not know he was indeed sick, and we had nothing to arrest him for. I am very sorry your friend died."

"Murderer."

"Perhaps if you had returned and told me again about your friend?"

"MURDERER!!"

Now Inspector Navelcar just wanted to get away from me. He looked around as if searching for an escape and crossed the road. "I am very sorry about your friend, but there was nothing I could do."

"MURDERER," I shrieked at his back. "YOU KILLED MY FRIEND. It’s ALL YOUR Fault!"

He moved quickly in the direction of the flea market. I followed, my eyes filling with tears. Neal was gone! My Neal was gone! It was the policeman's fault. It was somebody's fault.

"YOU KILLED MY FRIEND!"

The tears fell and more surged from the edges of my eyes. Inspector Navelcar no longer answered me; he kept walking.

"YOU KILLED MY FRIEND!"

Parked outside the market were dozens of motorcycles. Their drivers clustered nearby smoking beedies, waiting for passengers. The inspector strode briskly among them. I followed a few feet behind.

"MURDERER! I BEGGED YOU TO HELP MY FRIEND, IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT HE DIED."

The roughneck bike drivers jumped out of my way. Leaving me space. After a decade of Freaks in Goa, the natives knew to flee the path of a crazed one. A man selling lemon soda peered at me through his tent vent.

"MURDERER!"

As we neared the market, more and more people knotted the way. Women carrying baskets of fruit turned to watch the man and the shrieking foreigner chasing him. A taxi stopped and a head popped out of the window.

"YOU KILLED MY FRIEND!"

Tears poured nonstop down my cheeks. The inspector half ran into the crowd, not daring to look behind. I followed.

"YOU KILLED HIM. YOU KILLED HIM."

As I entered the market, the sound of bongo drums and flutes wrapped around me. The inspector hid himself. I'd lost him. I stopped and cried and yelled in all directions.

"NEAL’S DEAD. MY FRIEND IS DEAD. YOU KILLED MY FRIEND."

I could hardly see through the wall of water between me and the world. Eventually I ran out of energy and returned to the road.

The motorcycle drivers saw me coming and hopped out of my way again. I found my driver sitting on his bike. He threw his half-smoked beedie to the ground at my approach.

"I go home now," I told him.

When I arrived at the house I instructed the driver to come back Monday morning. I had no idea why I needed a motorcycle Monday morning, but I had the weekend to figure it out. In the evening Straightish delivered the things I'd left at the flea market.

"Oh, thanks. I thought I'd lost everything," I said.

"I packed your stuff when I realized you'd disappeared. Where'd you go, anyway?"

As it turned out, nothing had been stolen after all.

I spent the next two days crying for my dead friend. Neal was gone. I'd no longer find him on my doorstep shaking his bangs, giggling, and saying "Hi, cutie." No more Neal to run to with a piece of gossip. Or a problem. Or a secret. No more clicking noises. No more stories. How could there be a Goa without Neal?

Late Sunday I realized what I'd done to Inspector Navelcar. Oh, shit—I'd gone Coke Amuck on the poor inspector. Poor guy. And after he saved me from who-knew-what kind of fate. What had I called him? A murderer? He wasn't to blame for Neal's death. It was me. It was my fault. Not Inspector Navel car's. He hadn't deserved such a scene.

The motorcycle was coming in a few hours! Good. I could go apologize.

The bike ride to Panjim took fifty minutes. When Inspector Navelcar saw me climbing the worn steps to his floor, he looked scared. I must have really shaken him.

"Sorry," I said to him. "Those words weren't for you. They were for me. I blame myself for Neal's death. Not you. Forgive me?"

He seemed relieved but not totally convinced I wouldn't go berserk there in his office. I thanked him for coming to my rescue.

"How's that man I hit on the head?" I asked.

"He is fine. Just a nasty bump."

Though I never went to another flea market, I managed to sell things. The oil painting from Bali went first—the one whose bamboo holder I'd planned to bash over Narayan's head. That painting had been hanging in my movie room. The empty space created by its absence stared at me forlornly every time I passed. I'd loved that painting. In my images of the Future it had always been with me. Its loss was significant.

One day I opened the door to find Kadir on the doorstep. "Shambo, Cleo, man."

"KADIR!" I jumped into his arms.

Kadir had been jailed in Germany for two years. "I just got out, man," he said.

We went inside and shared lines of coke, along with our feelings about Goa and Anjuna Beach. We both loved the place. Kadir had longed for it every hour of his incarceration. But he found it different from when he'd left.

"Where is everybody, man?" he asked. "Nobody's here anymore."

"Who do you mean?"

"Anybody, They're all gone, man. Dayid and Ashley. Giuliano . . ."

"Giuliano's in jail in Rome."

"Greek Robert . . ."

"He’s dead."

"Gigi and Marco . . ."

"She’s dead."

"Neal. . ."

"Him too."

"Mental . . ."

"In jail."

"Georgette . . ."

"She's here! I saw her the other day at Joe Banana's."

"And what happened to the beach parties, man?"

"There's a party tonight, I heard."

"Not on Anjuna Beach. It's at the music house on the Chapora road. The parties used to be HERE every night."

"I know. I guess people prefer staying homo with the bhong. I haven't been to a party in ages myself."

"Anjuna Beach is nothing like I remember. I hear people call it the Smack Beach. Man, nobody wants to come here."

Bach dragged his stuffed elephant to me, gripping its ear with his teeth. He wanted to play. I hugged him. I showered Bach with the leftover love from vacated parts of my heart. Little Bach, at least I have you.

"Anyway, so how are you doing?" I asked Kadir.

"Not good, man. I'm broke."

Kadir needed the money I owed him from the silver jewellery of his I'd taken to sell. Ooops. That had been so long ago. I hadn't been able to sell it, and meanwhile, over the years, boyfriends and friends had chipped away at the treasure trove of silver goodies.

"I still have the belt," I told him and ran to fetch it from a drawer.

The other things, though, the ivories and silver amulets, had long since disappeared. I apologized. I wished I could repay him. He was an old friend returning from an agonizing two years away from the home he loved. I wanted to welcome him back in a joyous, generous manner. Alas, in poor straits myself, I couldn't. I felt terrible.

Another day, who should appear on my doorstep but Lila, the runner Neal and I had sent on the doomed trip to Bermuda. During her eighteen months in jail, I'd written and promised to pay her for the scam anyway. Oh, shit, free she was, and I didn't have enough money to keep my toilet filled with water I had a hard time facing both Lila and Kadir when I ran into them.

Late one night a customer entered my upstairs rooms. He had no reason to be up there, since I now restricted the Saloona to the ground floor.

"You know, you almost set your house on fire," he said, descending the stairs a while later. "Look at this." He was holding an aerosol can whose half melted cap had curled into a twisted shape. "Good thing I went up there—the cap was on fire! These things are flammable, you know. You should be more careful."

Holy shit.

I was shocked. I'd left a burning candle glued to an aerosol can and had forgotten about it! Me, who was so afraid of fire I used to sleep with a fire extinguisher. How was it possible I had done a thing like that?

I handed someone the wrong change as my mind clung to the image of the fire I'd started. I didn't know for sure if the aerosol can would have exploded the way the label warned. Or if the saris hanging from the ceiling would have caught the fire and caused the house to burn down. It didn't matter. What mattered was that I'd left a candle burning unattended on the can in the first place. I'd never done that before. Something had to be wrong with me. I had to figure out what it was before I succeeded in another, equally destructive act.

When the customers left I locked the door and wouldn't open for anyone else. I needed to think. Was I suicidal? Was I punishing myself for Neal's death? Was I trying to send myself a message? I sat under the platform with Bach in my lap, and I thought.

By the next day I had arrived at a conclusion. I had to leave India. I knew it now. Oh, I hated the notion. This place was my dream. I would never find one I loved as much, or that I could belong to as wholeheartedly. Goa was home.

I squeezed Bach so tightly that he squirmed away and went to the other side of the room. How could I leave India?

But I couldn't stay either. Lino had stopped asking for the rent money. As a matter of fact, not only had he stopped asking for the rent, he'd had to pay my last month's electric bill himself. Next year I wouldn't have a house. No, I couldn't keep it up any longer. I was falling apart. Everything was falling apart—my house, my hopes, my mind. If I didn't leave soon, I might the like Neal. And Gigi. Or end up like Mental, in jail. Or Greek Robert—dead in jail. My brain wasn't working right anymore. Look what it did to poor Inspector Navelcar. I could no longer trust it with a scam. I couldn't trust it to pay bills. I couldn't trust it to enact plans for saving a friend's life. And now it was trying to burn down the house.

It wasn't just the coke, I had to admit. It was the smack too. While Coke Amuck took me to the stage of lunacy, smack eroded caution, good sense, control, and initiative. I could see that now. I had to change my life. If I continued living this way, I wouldn't last very long, and the end wouldn't be pleasant.

I had to leave.

The only person I told was Canadian Jacques.

"This is my last season in Goa," I said when we were alone. "What do you mean? What about your house?"

"I’m giving it up. Or it's giving me up. I can't pay the rent anymore."

"Surely something will come up this monsoon. Don't say that."

"No, I have to go. I'm falling apart here. Look at me. I've been in trouble with the police three times in the last year and a half. The next time will be the big one, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life in jail. I can't trust myself anymore. My brain isn't working right. I have to stop using drugs. Forever."

"I thought you said you'd never quit. Remember? You said never."

"I wouldn't, if I had a choice. I have no choice." I sighed. "No drugs, no India—my life is over."

I still had half a season left, though—my last season in Goa.

Each sunset was precious now. I watched them as if I were going to the soon, which was how I felt. I didn't know if I wanted to five without Anjuna beach. On my return from Gregory's restaurant I'd stop halfway across the paddy field. I'd sit on the dry red dirt and catch Bach as he came bounding over to see why I'd stopped walking.

"Oh, Bach. I have to leave. What will I do with you? I'll have to leave you too."

He wasn't sympathetic. He'd wiggle out of my arms and run a few steps before turning, surprised to see me still sitting on the road. Then he'd run back and stop short in front of me, sending up a dust cloud. After a few ticks at my face, he'd sneeze at the unwelcome, salty taste of tears. A few more runs down the road and a quick look around . . .

"Oh, okay! I'm coming, Bach. But how will I five without you? And how will I five without Goa?"

The Saloona was on its last legs, barely scraping by. I hardly did coke at all anymore. It was hard enough to afford smack. I had some pretty strange customers, though usually only one at a time. A German woman came every day and fixed a hit of coke before leaving with her packet. She was cute, with a turned-up nose and a turned-up top Tip. She also, typically, had a terrible time spearing a vein. To swell it with blood, she'd swing her arm round and round like the Ferris wheel at Coney Island. Then she'd stop and take a peek. No, not yet. Another few windmill swings. Nope, almost. More swinging. When she finally saw a vein popping out, I was as relieved as she. An adorable Italian also came every day, but he stayed for hours. Apparently somewhere on the beach he had a wife and child, though I never saw them. An ideal customer, he always treated me to half his stash. A benefit of dealing dope was the license to scrounge. Customers didn't mind providing a free taste to the provider.

Other Goa Freaks scrounged that year. No matter how little I had, when friends dropped by I'd courteously offer a bhong. Many hungry friends visited. Texas Jack came often, always making me promise I wouldn't tell he'd been there. On other days Cecile came, making me promise not to tell Jack. Norwegian Monica dropped in to sit around till I offered her a bhong. As did Cindi, Liverpool Sandy, Graham . . . Even Alehandro drove up now and then on his leopard-skin motorbike, waking me early in the morning and asking outright for a bhong.

Rumor had it that Trumpet Steve, father of Anjuna, scrounged not only the beach but the hotel rooms of Bombay for the next bhong, the next great scam, and that perfect deal that wasn't happening for us Goa Freaks anymore.

Ho, ho—and Narayan! Narayan—who'd been so against smack that he'd tossed my pound of it in to the ocean of Bali—Narayan now lived on the other side of the paddy fields, perpetually stoned on opium! What delicious news.

"Hoo, boy—have you seen Petra?" Monica asked one afternoon as she waited for my adorable Italian customer to pass her a bhong.

"No, not for years," I answered. "Why?"

"She's here."

Petra! I couldn't wait to see my friend. After making Bach's tail a bright shade of pink, I dressed in a pink elephant outfit and ran out the door. At Joe Banana's I began the process of tracking her down.

"She is staying in Junky Robert and Tish's old house," said Joe Banana.

"She's out," said someone sitting on Junky Robert and Tish's old porch. "Try Alehandro's."

"Left an hour ago," said Hollywood Peter as he held a lighter to Alehandro's bhong. "Went that way. Try Georgette's."

"Just left for the Monkey chai shop," said Georgette.

"Petra!" I exclaimed, finding her at last. One of her huge sleeves knocked a French fry off her plate as she spread her arms for an embrace.

She looked as flamboyant as ever, still in black, with silver jewellery, silver braids, silver bangles hanging everywhere. A silver headband dangled silver baubles around the back of her head and dropped a crystal teardrop between her eyes.

"Hebshen! I was HOPing you'd still BE here."

I learned the details of the gossip I'd heard about her over the years. Yes, she'd inherited a fortune, but no, she wouldn't collect it, for that would entail remaining in Germany, "That would RUin my life," Petra declared. "My free SPIRit would be BROken. I couldn't surVIVE. My happiness is more important than chandeliers and chauffeured LImousines. I had a DREADFUL time during the months I STAYED there taking care of the will."

Would that happen to me when I left India, I wondered? Would my life be ruined? Would my free spirit be broken by conformity and tradition?

Yes, Petra continued, she'd had a car accident and had been in the hospital. She could walk now, but the doctor had told her to stay off her feet. Rehabilitation required swimming, hours of swimming.

"I had a HUT built for me on the BEACH," she said. "I don't know HOW I will STAND it. I haven't had the COURage to move in yet." She made a dramatic shiver, hunching her shoulders and lifting a hand expressively to her forehead. "Can you Picture me. You KNOW I've never been a BEACH person. That SAND. I like the MOUNtains."

Her condition was serious, though, and if she didn't take care of her legs, she might be crippled for life. She shouldn't walk much. She had to swim to exercise the wounded joints. But Petra—a Kathmandu Freak, a mountain person—living in a hut on the beach? Definitely not her style. Had anyone ever seen Petra without her heavy boots? She was depressed over the prospect. I had an idea.

I'd decorate her hut as a surprise.

After Petra told me the hut's location, I excused myself on a pretext and sought out the miserable palm-frond affair to check its dimensions. It was the only hut by the water's edge. I knew Petra the Kathmandu mountaineer had to hate it. Twelve feet by eight, it leaned against the rock face.

I ran home to fill a gigantic suitcase and three bags. A Goan helped me carry the load.

In no time the pathetic hut looked like a sheik's tent. A Kashmiri carpet hid the bumpy sand. Against the rock I placed a satin-covered mattress piled high with velvet pillows. Carved wooden tables sat on either side of the bed, one holding a kerosene lamp, the other a dancing Nataraj. I set another lamp on a rock ledge and shrouded the palm-frond wall with Laotian embroidery. In the doorway I hung sari material, over which I added chimes to tinkle in the wind. As a finishing touch I left her my bottle of insecticide.

"What have you DONE," she exclaimed, entering as I finished. "You DEAR!"

I couldn't spend time with Petra the following months, though. I couldn't afford to miss the business I had left. She, in turn, couldn't visit me because she wasn't supposed to walk. As it was, she walked too much, and everyone worried about her. She suffered painfully.

Meanwhile the Saloona suffered also. The Sikh chai shop next door stole more of my customers. Their business thrived and mine was all but finished. Keeping myself in dope required sleight-of-hand manoeuvres. Other Freaks besides me sold dope or coke. If I didn't have the cash or the will to go to Rachid's man in Mapusa, I'd arrange to meet a customer near one of the alternate sources. To prevent the customer and the source from meeting each other. I'd have to exchange one's money for the other's dope without ei ther suspecting, a feat requiring deft chicanery.

I sold more of my belongings. Strangers now wandered through my hallowed rooms as if I were having a garage sale.

"How much do you want for this?" asked an unknown person pointing to my beloved Laotian marriage canopy.

"Four hundred rupees," I said.

"I’ll give you fifty."

Fifty! What did I Look like? A fishwife? Did they expect me to bargain over cherished possessions? At first I would walk away without answering. But as the weeks went by I hesitated more and acquiesced with greater frequency. Bit by bit I sold the things that defined my Goa Freak existence.

New Year's Eve 1980. In four months would be my thirtieth birthday. By then I’d have nothing left. The waterbed was gone. The downstairs stereo. The hanging chair. The rocking chair. The cuckoo clock. I rubbed a band over the empty spaces they'd left, massaging the ghosts of once-loved objects. Serge used to sit in that hanging chair, I thought as I looked at the hook from which it had hung. Alehandro had sat in the rocker the time he'd guarded Mental as he cowered beneath the mattress. Maybe soon I'd have to sell the mattress too.

"I'll give you one rupee for this Jefferson Airplane tape," said a browser.

That had been Neal's favourite tape. "Okay," I answered numbly.

To the fence in Mapusa I brought two rings from an old teenage romance and the silver Aries spoon that had been a birthday present from Dayid in Montreal.

Then I discovered a convenient method of business-I joined forces with the Sikhs. When a customer came I'd take his or her money, go upstairs, slip out the bedroom door, and dash to the Sikh place to buy from them. This strategy solved the Problem of insufficient funds to buy stock. In three minutes I could be descending the stairs without anyone suspecting I'd left the house. Though everybody knew the Sikhs sold drugs, "purists" refused to deal with them and preferred to buy from their own kind. They came to me.

Collaborating with the Sikhs offered another advantage—their willingness to exchange things for dope. They soon possessed my tape machine and a fan. They even accepted the old useless kilo of border hash I'd had for years.

One day I heard that Eve and Ha were in Goa. Rumor said they'd been having a hard time, struggling to live in different peoples huts. Searching for them, I followed a trail of horror stories and a variety of sleazy people, until finally someone directed me to a Jesus Freak community on the other side of the paddy fields.

Four white-robed devotees were sanding wood outside the house and blessed me as I approached.

"Peace," said a bearded man sitting on the front steps. "Have you heard the good news?"

"Uh . . . yes. Thank you. I'm looking for . . . "

"Jesus is back and he's calling for you."

"Well, that's very nice, but I'm looking . . ."

"He loves you, you know."

"Uh, I'm . . . happy to hear that . . . Do you know Eve?"

"He's watching you all the time. He's looking out for you."

"Eve has a little girl about four years old?"

"I LOVE JESUS!" he suddenly sang, and a voice somewhere nearby joined in with a "HAIL, MARY!" I stepped around his robed knee, which blocked the way, and proceeded up the stairs. "God bless you," he said to my departing form.

On the porch I found a Westerner sweeping the floor. A Westerner doing housework! What an unheard-of thing in that land of cheap labour. His "Welcome, sister," discouraged me from further inquiry. I entered the house and succeeded in searching three rooms before being confronted head-on by another person in white with a smooth senile.

"Welcome, sister," she said, clasping her hands together. "Can I help you?"

"I'm looking for someone named Eve. She has a daughter Mahara. About this high."

"Oh, yes. She came to us a week ago."

The woman led me out the back door, and I found Eve outside putting dishes on a table.

"Eve!" I kissed her and turned to Ha. Neal's little girl sat stiffly on the wooden table. She looked at me but didn't move or smile or change her serious expression. "Hi, Ha!" I said. She didn't answer.

"Look, Ha, It's Keo. Say hi to Keo," Eve whispered in that soft voice of hers. Ha stared. After her first glance at me. Eve didn't look my way again. When she finished laying plates, she began moving them around. Ha just stared.

"Um . . . I wanted to see how you were," I said to Eve. "Took forever to trace your path."

"You co me here for us? Nobody else even says hello."

I didn't know what to say. Eve didn't say anything more.

"Um . . . I met the guy from that big hut you lived in  . . ."

"He threw us out. Said we couldn't stay there anymore. Before that we slept in the hut next to it, but they threw us out too. We were in Baga a while, but that didn't last long. They've been nice to us here, so far."

"Isn't it hard living with these people, though? I've been blessed nine times, and I've only been here a few minutes."

She shrugged. "You should see mealtimes."

Silence.

"What about dope?" I asked.

"I have opium."

Eve still avoided looking up. So far she'd moved one plate to three different locations, and she seemed about to pick it up again. Ha sat there unmoving.

"Hey, Ha, how're you doing?" I said. "What's that in your hand? Can I see? Will you show it to me?" She moved away as I stepped closer to her. "Please?"

"NO!" she yelled angrily and swiveled to present me with her back. Silence.

Eve poked at another plate and said, "Thank you for coming."

I grasped at what seemed like a good moment to get away. "Well, stop by the house sometime and visit. Don't forget, okay?" Ha ignored my goodbye wave; Eve half-smiled at a spot midway between her and me. I backed out of the yard and took a side route so I wouldn't have to pass the well-wishers.

"GOD BLESS YOU," shouted the man on the front steps. "AND DON’T FORGET THE GOOD NEWS. TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT IT."

Now I had to prepare for Eve's visit. For sure she'd come; she knew I was still dealing drugs. I didn't have much left for her to steal since I'd peddled my jewellery and returned Kadir's. I made a quick run to collect stash bottles and emergency caches of opium. I hid them upstairs under a mattress. I'd have to remember to keep valuables on my body when she arrived and prevent her from going to the second floor. I'd also have to watch her behaviour toward the one or two customers I had left. I didn't want her driving them away.

Within hours of my finding her, Eve appeared at the door. "Hi. We're here," she whispered.

From that day on she came regularly and stayed for hours, sitting quietly and smoking bhongs. She never looked anyone in the face when she spoke. Instead she'd fidget with her belt, her hair, or whatever lay in front of her. She made people nervous. When she was out of earshot they'd take me aside.

"That's a strange one you've got there," they'd tell me.

"Oh, Eve's okay."

"Her kid's even worse," they'd comment next.

Ha had become a nasty beast. She'd yell and throw things and stamp her foot and do everything you told her not to. She never smiled, never laughed. She'd grow crankiest at night. Eve let Ha carry on by herself, no matter what she was doing—a fit of rage, even a destructive rampage. Not only did I have to watch Eve, I had to watch Ha too.

"No, Ha, please don't touch that," I would say, spying her molesting a souvenir I'd bought in Moscow. "It comes from Russia." Ha loved it when you told her not to do something; it gave her a sense of direction. "NO, Ha. I said do NOT touch that. You'll ruin the fur." Just what she wanted to hear. "STOP! Don't pull the fur OUT!"

Eve paid no heed. Only if it was late at night and Ha was particularly bratty would Eve finally call her over.

"Come here, Ha," she'd whisper. Then Eve would blow hash smoke in the face of Neal's daughter. "It helps put her to sleep," she explained. Yes, it was time for me to leave Goa.

Occasionally Eve managed to get her dexterous hands on something or other, but since I kept money and drugs tied around my waist, she only stole candles and rolls of toilet paper. The house was bereft of items worth stealing.

Empty spaces left by sold objects surrounded me. They matched the empty spaces inside me left by missing people. I sold the four-foot Kashmiri lamp that had hung over it. Now the dining room was a vast desert I hated to walk through. Gone from the bedroom were the Laotian mobiles that had hung between the bags of glucose at the glucose party. The fancy brass doorknobs and light switches in the shape of Hindu gods were gone too.

One day I found myself with no dope in the house. Not a granule. I'd already snorted off the carpet whatever vaguely resembled smack, along with a lot of dust and sand. I possessed only Opium and the package of morphine that had been sitting in my blowtorched safe for years. Yuck. Morphine was disgusting. You couldn't smoke it or snort it because of its horrible taste. Maybe I could fix it? I'd never tried fixing myself before.

Well, why not? I'd give it a try.

The only vein I could see was a tiny one in the middle of my right arm. I hit it first try. But I felt nothing. Maybe I hadn't used enough powder. I wanted to do it again, but now a bump covered the vein and I could no longer see it. Veins were visible on my hand, though. I decided to try one of those. Couldn't get it. I tried again. It moved. I tried a different vein. Damned thing wouldn't hold still! I tried over and over and over. No good. After a half hour holes speckled my hand, but not one of them had reached a vein. Hmmm. Interesting. Was this how Maria had felt when she couldn't get a hit? By the time I finally gave up, the back of my hand sported dozens of red dots.

"What happened to your hand?" Eve whispered later when she came by.

"Couldn't get a vein."

"Rands are impossible. The veins roll. You need someone to hold one in place."

Yes, it was past time for me to leave Goa.

I needed a departure date. Any date. It didn't matter. How about March sixth? Okay. March sixth it is. On March sixth I'd leave Goa forever.

"Come here. Bach," I called, having made the decision. His ears were my favourite place to wipe tears.

I owned one special item—a three-foot Balinese wooden sculpture I'd shipped from Denpasar. A myriad of carved figures peeped from its core. Painted in pinks, purples, and gold, its flat top made it usable as a table. I couldn't bear the thought of selling it. How could I condemn such a wondrous piece of art to the smoky back room of the Sikh chai shop?

I decided to give it to Canadian Jacques. A bulky chunk of heavy wood, it should probably not have been lugged across the shadeless sand in the hot mid afternoon.

"Bonjour," said Jacques as I came in. "What have you there?"

"It's for you. My last memory. I want to give it to you before I resort to selling it. I'm leaving soon."

"It's beautiful. If you return, you can have it back."

"I'm not coming back."

"You never know. You might luck into something this monsoon." I shook my head.

"When are you going?"

"March sixth. I'll go to the consulate in Bombay and ask them to send me to New York."

"They do that?"

I nodded. I had it planned. "They'll give me money to go to the embassy in Delhi, which is where I have to go anyway to finish my court case and pick up my passport. Then the embassy will provide the ticket to New York."

"You Americans have all the advantages. I don't think my embassy would pay for me to go home."

"No, I think they all do. They can't just leave you to starve in some foreign country. I'll have to reimburse them, of course. They're not going to hand me a free ticket. Even the American embassy won't do that."

"What about your dog?" he asked, giving a not-too-pleased look at Bach, who was sniffing a pile of his clothes.

"I'll have to leave him. He's an alien; the U.S. would never allow him into the country. He doesn't have papers. No chance." There was a huge lump in my throat. "I think land in New York dead of a broken heart."

Later that afternoon I presented Alehandro with the red Buddha bhong. Let the fat Buddha smile for the crowd at Alehandro's. The living room carpets had been sold, and the sacred pipe deserved better than to sit on a naked floor.

In February the Bugs took over the house. Couldn't they have waited another month? They invaded the bedroom first. I woke up one morning to find, not one, but two trails of ants marching on my body. Eeek. A troupe of large black ones had entered under the outside door. They strode across the red-and-white linoleum, mounted the carpet, hiked up the mattress via my pink satin sheet, proceeded over my naked back, came around my waist, hopped to the sheet from my stomach, then made their way over the carpet on the other side, across the linoleum, up the wall, and out the window. The smaller grey ants took approximately the same route but traversed my legs. Hey, come on, guys! There must be an easier road than this. Especially since the bedroom was on the second floor. I'd seen ants plenty of times before, but they'd usually had the courtesy to go around the bed. Many a time I'd amused myself by watching them scatter in confusion as I plopped something in their path. This new habit of theirs was a little much. I knew the root of the problem—I'd given my insecticide spray to Petra.

Downstairs I was faced with another predicament: Bach's flea collar had expired. My poor friend scratched continually. To make matters worse, the little buggers over bred themselves and had abandoned him in search of vaster horizons. Now the fleas were jumping all over the house. If I'd had the insecticide spray, I could have killed the fleas and obliged the ants to find an alternate roadway. Alas, the spray was gone, and I couldn't afford a new one.

I went to Petra's hut—only to discover she'd left Goa. There was nothing in the hut but a shred of sari hanging from the doorway and the broken top of a kerosene lamp.

To live in India, one had to dominate one's insect Population. I'd lost control. In no time the fleas propagated themselves into every corner of the ground floor. They hopped nonstop. I could not read a page of a book without a flea hopping on it. The damned things were everywhere. They didn't five on me the way they did Bach; but there were so many of them that, no matter where I went, I was in their line of hop. And they bit. Hop, hop, bite.

Only once-in-a-blue-moon customers weren't thrilled with them, either. "Hey! What was that?" a customer remarked.

"What?"

"Yo! There goes another one. What was it? Ow! Something bit me! Hey! Now it's jumped in the tobacco!"

I couldn't ignore the fleas, though they didn't really bite that often. It was the racket they made—the sound of tiny footfalls as they hopped on the pages of the book I was reading. Very annoying. Then they'd slide down the crease between the pages and get stuck there.

The ants were what really did me in. I hated waking up to two double lanes of parading feet criss-crossing my body. Eee! Get off me. SLAP. SLAP. SLAP. Actually, it was wiser not to get too excited. At the first hint of something amiss, the ants would panic and break their neat formation, each one running in a different direction. Which meant they'd be running in different directions over ME. The wisest way to handle the situation, when I awoke to it, was to calmly brush them off.

Though I couldn't afford a new spray can of insecticide, a packet of DDT powder cost only sixty paisa (sixty percent of one rupee). I tried it out. I sprinkled the white stuff across the ant trails. The ants didn't like it one bit. However, it didn't take them Long to find a way around it. They detoured up the wall. So I ended up with trails of white powder on the bedroom floor and trails of ants climbing the wall before descending to cross over me.

Eventually the ants won. I retreated. I moved the carpet, the mattress, the little Kashmiri tables, the bhong. I dragged the whole lot into the movie room, which was bare now anyway.

And then—more ants! Soon I was once again awakening to find ants strutting over me.

I finally beat them. To an ant, a wrinkle in a piece of cloth could be Mount Everest. I collected clothes, bunched them together, and created an impassable mountain range around me before I went to sleep. It didn't work all the time, though. Sometimes, during the night, Bach would climb into bed next to me, and his body would flatten the wall of clothes. If he did that on both sides of me, that was all the encouragement the ants needed.

Yes, it was way past time for me to leave Goa. Three days before my departure date, I found someone who wanted my projector and agreed to pay Maria's hospital bill. He kept the projector and I took back the movies. I let him have The Blob and The Thing That Swallowed the Earth.

Everything had been sold. My souvenirs from Russia, my Japanese kimono, the topaz from Taiwan.

On March fifth Sasha came by with some people I didn't know, including one beautiful guy in a silk  lungi. I  was immediately enamoured. He liked me too. When the others left, he stayed. He didn't even mind the fleas.

"You're leaving?" he asked, seeing suitcases.

"In the morning," I told him. "A taxi's coming to take me to the Panjim dock. I don't know how I'll fit in it with all this luggage."

"I'll drive you to the boat on my bike, if you want. Then you can use the whole taxi for luggage."

We stayed awake all night. I touched the long, brown hair curling around his shoulders—it took my mind off Bach, who was freaking out over the suitcases. Bach always freaked out when he saw a suitcase. By now he knew what a suitcase meant. I tried to ignore my furry blue-and white friend as he stuck his nose into open cases and shook his head furiously. Bach would look at a suitcase, look at me, and whine. He dragged his toy elephant to me by the ear that hadn't been chewed off yet. I pulled the ear off and packed it. Dawn came.

"You don't really have to go today, do you?" asked my beautiful new friend. "Why don't you stay?"

"I can’t."

When the taxi came, he helped carry my bags to the dirt road. Bach ran in circles around my feet, crying. I told the driver to go ahead and that we'd meet him at the paved road. I Look Bach in my arms as I climbed on the back of the motorbike. He licked my face nervously.

The family at the Three Sisters' restaurant was still asleep when we pulled up.

They were expecting me, though, and opened quickly to my knock.

"Here he is," I said to the sister at the door. I didn't say goodbye to Bach as I handed him to her. How would I live without him?

Epilogue

1995

HOW TO BRIEFLY DESCRIBE the past fifteen years of my life? I returned to New York and entered a drug program called Daytop and became totally drug-free from that day to this one. Daytop taught me how to five in the straight world, sleeping and eating at regular hours and doing the necessary chores of daily life, which I hated. But without some basic tools of self-discipline, I couldn't have existed in this rule-governed, legal-minded, work-ethic-based culture. With enormous difficulty, I accepted the teachings and adapted—I had no choice.

Six months after I left Goa, I started college and discovered that learning was as stimulating as any psychotropic chemical I'd taken, and with the will-power Daytop demanded of me, I was capable of postponing immediate gratification in order to aim for long-range goals. I got a Bachelor's Degree, a Master's Degree, a Ph.D., and would have kept studying except the student loans ran out. For the doctoral dissertation I returned to Thailand for three years to do research, which became the basis of my first book, Patpong Sisters, published in 1994.

Some of the people mentioned in this story have since died: Narayan in the early '80s in a mysterious way similar to Neal, Alehandro last year in a car accident, and Joe Banana.

Other Updates:

Norwegian Monica moved to Ibiza with only occasional visits to Goa. She had a daughter and gave up drugs. She is currently living in Norway. When Mental got out of jail he returned to Goa. He ended up back in jail for a while, then returned to Goa again.

Serge is the same, travelling the world and acquiring new adventures. He drops in on my life every now and then, once in Thailand where he ruined my relationship with a Thai boyfriend—but that's another story.

Barbara returned to New York and opened a boutique.

Junky Robert and Tish broke up soon after I left India, and Tish got together with John, Applecroc, for a while, during which time Robert took the Baby away from Tish. Robert later spent two years in jail in the United States but; then became a respectable drug-free citizen, working in the garment industry. He's held custody of his daughter and is now married with two more children.

No one has heard from Dayid or Ashley.

No one has heard anything about Eve and Ha.

Marco was seen in Goa a few years ago, desperately seeking a copy of my movie of his marriage to Gigi.

Trumpet Steve now owns a successful concert-promotion agency in Florida, booking live entertainment all over the world. His son Anjuna grew into a conservative young man with short hair who refuses to be called Anjuna, and who just enlisted in the United States police academy.

Richard is doing great, as always, and is a long-term resident of Bangkok and a dose friend.

Paul, Jerry Schultz, and Eight-Finger Eddy can still be found on Anjuna Beach during the popular winter seasons.

Bach—I don't know. Leaving him was too painful for me to ask anyone if they've seen him, but I still have the ear from his elephant.

I missed Goa terribly for years after I left. One night in a New York City parking lot, I Looked up and saw a full moon. I mourned the full moon parties of the home I'd lost and hated the asphalt and concrete beneath my feet. I hated it and hated New York and hated everything in my life that wasn't India.

Today I've settled into a new home, a cyber home on the internet. Though I've been known for a while on CompuServe's CB under the name "Goa," I just this year discovered the phenomenon of MOO. Since returning to America, I've been enraptured by computers; and as a graduate student I worked part-time teaching computer programming. What I've now found on the MOO is a place where I can program fantasy things and meet fellow internet junkies, each of us interacting with one another's creations. I log on to the MOO many times a day and join the hundreds of people worldwide who are also logged on and who make up my cyber community.

On Chiba MOO, I've created a space called Anjuna Beach. I describe its sea and palm trees and have programmed robots named Monica, Mental, Dayid, and Ashley, who, every sixty seconds utter sentences like "Please pass the mirror." I've also programmed an object called Neal that dispenses LSD if you give it the right command.

While the MOO dazzles me with its futuristic technology, it also provides me with an identity group and allows me to incorporate the past into this innovative MOO present.

When I log off, my cyber body remains in my cyber "home"—Anjuna Beach, Goa.

About the Author

CLEO ODZER grew up in New York and, after graduating from high school, travelled throughout Europe and the Middle East before settling in Goa, India, in 1975. She returned to the United Stales in 1980, where she earned a PhD in anthropology; her dissertation on prostitution in Thailand was the basis for her first book, Patpong Sisters An American Woman's View of the Bangkok Sex World (1994). Odzer lives in New York, where she works for Daytop, a drug rehabilitation organization. She is working on a new book about her adventures on the MOO, a programming society on the Internet.

Cover design by Monica Elias

Printed in USA

Content

Odzer Cleo Goa Freaks: My Hippie Years in India

Goa Freaks My Hippie Years in India

Acknowledgement

July 1979

September 1975

First Season in Goa 1975 — 1976

Second Season In Goa 1976 - 1977

Third Season  In Goa 1977 – 1978

Fourth  Season in Goa 1978  —  1979

Fifth Season in Goa 1979 — 1980

Epilogue 1995

About the Author