Shadow

Paper Gods 0.5

by

Amanda Sun

Prologue

Tomohiro

Taira stumbled in the sand, only for a moment, but it was long enough for the shadow to reach him. It uncurled a smoky finger that scraped along the side of his ankle. He yelled out and pushed himself off the sand with his hands, the sharp grains sticking to his palms as he staggered along the shore. The wooden geta sandal fell from his foot and the shadows swirled around it, parting on either side in ashen waves before they engulfed it with the dull glimmer of oil.

His body wasn’t so young anymore—he struggled with each step, heaving breath into his burning lungs. The whispers of the shadows moaned in his ears, sweeping across his thoughts like they were coming from inside his own head.

How do you run from yourself?

But he kept running, imprints of a single footprint lapped by the tide, the raised geta on his other foot carving deep lines into the sand. Half nobleman, half monster, scrambling to the only place he might be safe. And even then, there was no guarantee.

He couldn’t give up.

The arch rose in front of him as he neared, the bright orange of it dulled by the oncoming twilight. Two large urns placed on either side of the Torii smoked with sour incense and thin, waxy candles. They seemed so far away. Too far.

The voices rose in awkward discord. “Taira no Kiyomori,” they breathed, each syllable a separate voice.

He didn’t dare look back. The shadow’s breath was on him; he could feel it searing the nape of his neck.

He stumbled toward the Torii. The tide lapped in to shore, washing only knee-deep against the base of the orange gateway. It towered above him, the huge Shinto entrance to Itsukushima Shrine. He’d gone through this doorway before, but not on foot. How beautiful the imperial ships had looked as they sailed through the Torii at full tide, how colorful as they approached the shrine flooding with the sounds of kagura dancing. But not now. Now it was stark, the white salt spray of the ocean peeling away the pale orange paint on the shrine’s walkways. Taira splashed through the surf alone, forgotten, toward the barnacle-encrusted legs of the gate.

If this didn’t work, he was dead.

He might be dead anyway. The ink had soaked too deep beneath the surface of his life. He was drowning—what’s a last gasp of air to one already lost to the angry waves?

Everything, he thought. It’s everything.

A shadow ensnared his lone sandal and he fell forward to a mouthful of sand. Another inky swirl tugged on his ankle. He kicked them back as he dragged himself through the gate. The shadows smashed against the Torii like a dark tide, all of them trying to enter at once, jamming the space between the legs of the gate like storm clouds, the darkness stretching to the huge orange beam laid across the top.

Taira coughed and sputtered as he kicked the shadows off his feet, watching as they struggled to enter the shrine. But they couldn’t. It was forbidden, just as he’d hoped. Golden light flashed like lightning across the shadows’ surface as they tried to break through the sacred barrier. They moaned and shrieked, denied their victim.

Taira breathed heavily, watching, the sand sharp against his palms.

“So,” said a woman’s gentle voice, and Taira leapt upright. “You have run from yourself.”

She wore a beautiful kimono of pure gold, embroidered with threads of silver. A red obi was tightly wound around her waist, and her slender hands rested upon the back of a heavy brass mirror as big as a shield.

“You know you cannot fight,” she said.

“I know.”

“It is what it means to be one of us,” she said. “You must bear the marks.”

“Help me,” he said, falling to his knees before her. The returning tide soaked into his hakama skirt, logging the fabric with heavy salt water.

“There is no help for you,” she said. “There is no escape. There is only death.”

And she turned the mirror in her hands, the bottom of it grinding in the sand as she twisted it to reveal the reflective glass.

Taira looked into it, but he didn’t see his reflection.

He saw me.

Chapter One

Katie

It rained all of August, but the day of the funeral was so bright and sunny that my family struggled to mourn. They waved their programs back and forth, pulling at the necks of their tight dresses and their choking black neckties as the sweat poured down. Black was the worst possible choice on a record-breaking day like this. Mom had always hated black, and I felt like the heat was her way of having the last word.

At least I knew what she’d want. I wore red.

It was strange watching our living room fill up with mourners—strange and horrifying. It didn’t feel like our space anymore, Mom and me, but like a moving picture of a place I’d once known. I hadn’t been back in the house until two days ago, and then only to pluck the red dress from my closet. I’d been staying with Mom’s friend Linda, not because I couldn’t fend for myself at sixteen, but because she worried the silence of the empty house would be too much to bear.

She wasn’t wrong. The only way I’d found to survive was to numb myself to the loss, the icy cold sting of it freezing my heart until the reality of her death was merely something disorienting, something I couldn’t really fathom.

Mom couldn’t be gone. That wasn’t something that could even happen to me. She had been totally fine before I’d found her that morning. I’d even poured myself a bowl of cereal, thinking she was just sleeping in late.

I knew that wasn’t like her, but it’s not like you expect people to die. You somehow think they won’t, that life will just carry on the way it is now. You get too comfortable.

And then life shatters, and you pull the shards around yourself so you can pretend it’s all fine.

As much as the quiet of the house had creeped me out, seeing the living room full of people was somehow worse. Watching half strangers grind their sweaty bodies into the fabric of our cushions, sipping punch on the good couch where Mom never allowed food—it was like I was a ghost, like the house had somehow shifted into a new future where I didn’t belong.

If I couldn’t stay here, then thank god I was going back to Canada with Nan. My own space wasn’t comfortable anymore. I was a stranger to myself.

“Cocktail weenie?” came a loud voice and I looked up. I’d been huddled in the corner by the stairs, but I guess with my red dress I still stuck out.

“Aunt Diane,” I said. She was the only other burst of color in the room, wearing a black dress covered in purple flowers and a too-dark purple lipstick to match.

“Have one,” Diane said, wiggling the silver tray at me. She had a forced smile on her face, but even then she looked way too cheerful. “You look like you could use a bit of a pick-me-up.” I didn’t think we’d even owned a tray like that. Mom would have thought it tacky and cliché.

“A pick-me-up?” I said, staring at her. “My mom is dead, and you think a cocktail weenie is going to help?” It was snarky, and I knew better, but the room full of strangers was stifling. I was starting to feel claustrophobic, when there’d always been enough room in the house for Mom and me. It was like all my relatives had brought little pickaxes to chisel away at the barrier I’d built around myself so I didn’t have to face the truth. Couldn’t they just leave already?

“Trust me,” Diane said, thrusting the tray closer. “I’ve lost my sister, and the last way I want to remember her is cramped in a room with sweat and bad breath and a bunch of people she wouldn’t have wanted here anyway. You and I need some calories to get through this.” I looked into the sea of black as the mourners trampled around our living room and spilled into the kitchen. There was no space for memories; there was no space to breathe.

I reached a shaky hand toward the tray and loaded a couple different snacks onto a napkin. “Thanks.”

“Okay,” she said, and then she was gone, shoving the tray into the face of one of Mom’s coworkers.

I didn’t know Aunt Diane very well. She’d moved to Japan to teach English when I was eight, and before that, she’d moved around the States teaching in a bunch of small schools. She had a nomadic streak, restless the way Mom was, but unlike her, Diane longed to see other countries. Mom liked to stay where things were predictable and safe. I wondered now if she would have regretted that choice. If she’d known she’d die so young, would she have lived differently?

The anxiety trickled through me. When would death come for me? Would I suddenly stop existing in the night, leaving a trail of restless mourners to share memories over puff pastries and room-temperature punch? The minister had talked about Mom’s legacy to us, her compassion and giving—she was always volunteering for things, helping people out in the community, although she often turned around and made human interest stories out of the experiences for her newspaper gigs. What was my legacy? Would my life matter?

Did I matter anymore, now that Mom was gone?

Deep thoughts for a sweaty living room but the panic rose in me anyway.

Oh god. Mom is gone. She’s gone. I felt like I would break into a million shards, all pinpricks and a blood-red dress and pain, clouds looming over me, raining only on me in the whole room.

“There’s my Katie.” Suddenly Nan was towering over me, which she could only do if I was curled in the corner the way I was. It felt as if reality swirled on either side of her, the cracks holding together like fragmented glass as I stared at her hopefully, like she could fix it somehow.

“Nan,” I said, getting to my feet and then towering over her.

“You’re like a bright red rose in a garden of wilting flowers,” she said, rubbing the fabric of my dress between her fingers as I hugged her. “Don’t you look pretty in that dress?”

“Mom never liked black,” I said, and Nan grinned.

“I know,” she whispered, and pulled back the neck of her dress to show the bright magenta camisole underneath. I smiled, though I felt like crying. “You and me, we’re a couple of troublemakers.” She gave me a sly grin.

“Yeah,” I said. “We’re rebels.” I relaxed a bit as Nan held my hands in hers. She understood. She knew what I was feeling. And I was so glad to have her here, because I knew enough to know I was breaking.

Leaving Albany would suck. I’d managed to get into the Advanced English class I’d wanted at school, and there’d been a waitlist a mile long for that time slot. And leaving my friends and my home—leaving my life with Mom...

But at least I had a few friends I knew from summer vacations in Canada. And being with Nan and Gramps was familiar and comfortable. Their house was small, an old converted log cabin that they’d built on to, but I was sure they’d find room for me somehow. Maybe the attic that Nan always talked about fixing up when Gramps was better.

“I better go say hello to Linda,” she said. “Thank her for pulling things together, you know.” Linda had done most of the organizing for the funeral because Nan had her hands full with Gramps’ health.

“Okay,” I said. “Where’s Gramps? I want to say hi.” I hadn’t noticed him at the funeral, but then again, I’d spent most of the service staring at my lap, pretending it wasn’t happening.

Nan didn’t let go of my hands. Then she squeezed them, her mouth a thin line.

“He couldn’t come, Katie.”

“But” I scanned the room for his smile, the curve of his back as he stumbled along with effort, but of course Nan wouldn’t lie about it. “How are we going to drive to Deep River?”

“Let’s talk after, okay? It’s been a long day for you.”

I wanted to ask how they were planning on getting all my stuff back to their house if Gramps wasn’t here. Had someone else driven Nan to pick me up? Were we going to fly? I opened my mouth to ask, but the serious look in her eyes silenced me.

“Okay,” I said. “After.” Nan squeezed my hands one more time before she dropped them. She walked into the kitchen calling Linda’s name, and I was left to wonder just how sick Gramps was. I thought the last round of chemo had finished a while ago, but if he didn’t come with Nan, it couldn’t be good news. At least I’d be able to help Nan take care of him when I moved up. How much time did he have? I thought he’d be in remission by now.

The thought was too much to handle in the middle of Mom’s funeral. Death surrounding me, pressing in from every angle. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes as I rubbed the rough fabric of my dress between my fingers. I was drowning, the room starting to spin. I leaned against the banister for support.

“Katie,” called someone, and I looked up. My mom’s coworker from the newspaper, with a wine glass in her hand and a deeply concerned look on her face.

“Hi,” I managed, but my heart was pounding in my ears.

“You poor sweetie,” she whined, and suddenly the spindles of the staircase felt too solid against my back, like the bars of a cage. “How are you doing?”

My mom is gone, Nan’s acting weird, my house is full of people who suddenly care about us and my whole life is destroyed. How do you think I’m doing?

“Um, I’m okay.”

“It will take time,” she said, swirling the punch around the wine glass. “But time heals all wounds, you know. She’s in a better place now, your mom. I know she’s looking down on you and smiling.”

I wanted her to butt out. How did she know what I was feeling? It’s not like I didn’t hope it was all true, that Mom was in heaven and happy and all that. But I didn’t need this clueless woman reassuring me. She didn’t know anything. She barely even knew me.

I had to get out of there before I lost it. I didn’t want to cry in front of all these people. I didn’t want them to swarm me with their empty consolations.

“Thanks for coming,” I said quietly and squeezed myself past her outstretched arm as it swirled the punch round and round. I walked along the wall to the foot of the stairs and bolted up them.

I shut my door behind me, sliding down to the floor. The air was familiar here, cooler than the living room. My eyes glazed over as I stared at my bookshelf, running my eyes over the colored spines and letting my mind go blank.

I was nothing now. I didn’t have to be angry, or sad, or confused. I could fade away, barely here at all.

It lasted about five minutes before I burst into tears.

I forced them back, unwilling to accept the truth. When my heart had calmed down and I could hear the birds chirping outside instead of the pulse in my ears, I mulled over why Gramps hadn’t come. He loved Mom, his eyes always shining when we visited. There’s no way he would’ve missed the funeral unless he was really sick.

One of the books on the bookshelf stuck out farther than the others, and my eyes kept drifting back to its odd shape. I rocked forward onto my knees and reached for it. The novels on either side of it toppled over with a thud as I pulled it out. No wonder it stood out beside them—it was the thick travel guide Diane had sent from Japan for my twelfth birthday, hoping she could convince me to visit. She’d just about given up on Mom, but at twelve I could fly without an adult.

“No way, José,” Mom had said when I’d asked.

“Why?” I’d whined.

“Send my baby girl to the other side of the world? You’re dreaming.”

“Just for a week, Mom!”

“And then? What if you want to live there forever? What if you never come back?”

“Like that would happen.”

“Diane never came back, honey. Why do you think you would?”

It was such a strange thing to say, I remembered thinking. Who wouldn’t come home from a vacation? But Mom’s eyes had filled with tears.

“We need to stick together, Katie. You’re everything to me.”

She was afraid. Dad had left her, and she was terrified I’d leave her, too.

“Okay, Mom. I’ll stay with you. Promise.”

I flipped the pages mindlessly, past glossy photos of cherry blossoms, Buddhist temples, markets filled with rows of gleaming fish.

When my tears fell, they wrinkled the pages until I couldn’t even read the words.

I’d kept my promise. I’d stayed.

And after all her worrying, it was Mom who’d left me.

Chapter Two

Tomohiro

The nightmares were getting worse.

I sat up with a shout, my fingers clawing into my comforter. The darkness in my room was disorienting. Where was I? Who was I?

The shadows. The beach. The Torii.

My chance to escape.

All gone.

But the worst was the simple truth—the woman in the kimono was right.

There is no escape, she’d said. There is only death.

It’s not like I wanted to be all dark and hopeless about it, but night after night of monsters whispering in your ear will do that to you. I used to think there was something wrong with me, that I needed medication or serious therapy. Like my mom—Kaasan always took a bunch of different pills for her nightmares, though she tried to hide them until she thought I was upstairs.

Now I know. There’s definitely something wrong. And it’s not something I can fix with any drugs.

I pushed my bangs out of my eyes and reached for my keitai phone on the table. I flipped it open, squinting as the bright LCD screen flashed into my eyes.

A couple texts from Myu, both from last night, wondering why I hadn’t called. I was a shitty boyfriend, I’ll admit it. I wasn’t really sure why she put up with me. She was tall, leggy, determined to have her way. Sometimes I wondered if Myu just saw me as a challenge, a puzzle to untangle like the Debate Club she belonged to. When Myu confessed her feelings for me, I was a little embarrassed she hadn’t seen through me. A lot of girls confessed because they thought I was some kind of mystery. I came late to class a lot, and sometimes I needed to skip, because of my...condition. But I worked late nights and pulled the grades I needed to keep my dad off my back. Tousan’s the last one I wanted involved in what was really going on with me. And somehow the girls thought this made me a disappearing badass who was boyfriend material. I’d thought Myu was smarter than that.

Why the hell would I want to be some mysterious badass? All I wanted was for the shadow to leave me alone, the nightmares to stop.

But they won’t. Not until I’m dead. I know that, because of what I am. Marked, chosen. Hunted, like Taira.

I scanned through Myu’s text messages and clapped the phone shut, tossing it on my pillow. Half a second later my alarm went off and I slammed a hand on it in the darkness.

Normally I would stumble downstairs to start on my school bentou, but lately Myu had insisted on bringing me a homemade lunch, the box wrapped in bright furoshiki cloths and filled with cream-and-strawberry sandwiches, cherry tomatoes and onigiri rice balls. Her cooking wasn’t too bad, but she always had trouble rolling the sweet egg right. It came out lumpy and crooked, which she tried to hide with strategic flower-shaped picks.

I guess I shouldn’t complain. I couldn’t get it right either.

In the kitchen, I wolfed down a bowl of miso soup and slathered a piece of thick toast in honey and butter. I grabbed my blazer from the hook by the door just as Tousan stumbled down the stairs.

“Ittekuru,” I mumbled at him, letting him know I was heading for school. He nodded, sleepy, rubbing his head with his hand. He’s not lazy, my dad. He likes to see how far he can push the notion of overtime, which means getting home at 4:00 a.m. and waking up late. Sometimes he ends up sleeping at the company because it’s just easier. We didn’t really get along anymore, not since I’d had to transfer schools. So it’s easier for both of us if he’s at work. He thinks I’m following his rules, and I don’t have to disappoint him with the truth.

He didn’t even say the expected farewell “Itterasshai” when I closed the front door. He just grunted, like that alone was too much effort.

I grabbed my bike and cycled as fast as could toward Suntaba Senior High School. One more year and I could vanish from Shizuoka City into whatever life I wanted. Everyone wanted to move to Tokyo but I wanted somewhere quiet—Kyushu, maybe, something really remote. There were a few attractive schools in Osaka, but I wasn’t sure if they were far enough away, and they were definitely too crowded. And I wasn’t sure what Tousan would say when I brought up schools that weren’t for banking or medicine. He’d probably hit me so hard that I’d land in Osaka anyway.

The minute I slammed my bike into the rack at school, I heard Myu from across the courtyard.

“Yuu-chan!”

I wouldn’t let her use my first name. It was too close, too personal, and I wasn’t used to letting someone see that deeply into me. I had to keep Myu at a distance, to keep her safe. I couldn’t let her get hurt by the monster in me. I wasn’t that shitty of a boyfriend.

She walked toward me, waving goodbye to her friends with perfectly manicured fingernails. I rolled my eyes. She should’ve been wearing gloves—it was winter, and even though there was no snow on the ground, the wind still held a sharp bite.

It’s not like I didn’t like Myu. For one thing, she was totally hot. I was pretty sure Sato was jealous she’d confessed to me because he’d acted all pissed. And sometimes Myu whispered kind things to me that caught me off guard, and then I wanted to wrap her up in my arms and never let her go.

I liked having someone who cared about me, how being with Myu let me pretend I was normal. I liked that I was starting to really fall for her. Loud and demanding as she sometimes was, she had this other side to her that was thoughtful and soft. I wanted to let her see the real me, call me by my first name, to let her into my world. To draw for her.

Then I would remember what I was capable of, and why I could never do that. The shadows that tried to claim Taira in the nightmare—they were coming for me, too. The ink drowning my life—I could barely control it. I couldn’t afford to drop my guard, not even with Myu.

She wrapped both arms tightly around my arm, pressing her cheek against my shoulder.

“Yuu-chan,” she whined, her fingernails glittering in the sunlight. “You didn’t answer my texts last night.”

I wanted to say sorry, but that’s what nice guys said, and I couldn’t be one, not with the crowd we were drawing. Nice guys attract friends, but I needed everyone to leave me alone. I stepped back and shrugged.

“I was busy.”

“With what? Practice?” I didn’t answer. It was a good enough excuse. I couldn’t tell any of them the truth, not really. “Yuu-chan, the tournament’s not for weeks. How long does it take to write your girlfriend a text?”

“I barely made it home before I collapsed, Myu,” I lied. To make up for it, I cupped her chin in my hand and kissed her forehead gently. It’s not like I wanted to be a jerk, but I couldn’t afford the attention. To protect Myu and my classmates—to protect myself—I had to keep everyone at a distance. That way I could stay in control. I couldn’t let it fall apart the way it had before.

Being a loner had worked for a while, but that’s when the balance tipped. Because when one of the kendo champs of the school turns down every cute girl’s confession, shuns almost every guy who wants to hang out, forgets his wristband and shows off the trail of scars on his arm—that’s when he becomes mysterious, a puzzle to be solved. That’s when people talk, when the rumors swirl and the truth hovers just below the surface, ready to destroy everything.

That’s when Myu had confessed, and I’d known what I had to do. Now we’d been together for three months, and they’d stopped digging into my past, into my present. They’d forgotten to ask where I disappeared to or where the scars came from. We’d become mini-celebrities, as much as an American quarterback dating a cheerleader, shallow crowd-pleasers who weren’t asked any tough questions. We were normal, and on top of that, I blended in. And as I’d come to know Myu better, I’d found maybe I didn’t have to be alone anymore.

Maybe. And then the voice from my dreams, the woman holding the mirror.

There is only death.

“Oi, Yuuto!” came a sharp voice, and I snapped my head up. Damn it. Nothing like spacing out to get the rumors going.

“Yo, Sato,” I said, waving my free arm at him. Satoshi grinned back as he walked toward us. His hair was bleached as white as a rice ball, and he’d hoisted his shinai, the wooden sword we used for kendo, across the back of his shoulders, both wrists wrapped around it like he was carrying a yoke. The white tie wrapped along the handle was unraveling, meaning he wasn’t taking care of his equipment. Coach Watanabe would be pissed if he noticed during practice.

Myu’s lips turned in a frown. She and Satoshi didn’t get along. Myu didn’t think much of the circles he associated with, but Sato and I went too far back for me to turn on him for any girl. We were kendo teammates and best friends since elementary school—since the transfer, when the world had gone dark around me. He had his own share of secrets, but it didn’t stop him from trying to drag mine out from time to time.

“Ne, Ishikawa,” Myu said, calling him by his last name to stress the distance between them. I stumbled as she tugged me toward her and pointed a finger at Satoshi. “You had all last night’s kendo practice with him. It’s my turn now, so get lost.”

Ishikawa’s face crumpled in confusion. “Kendo practice?”

Shit. The ice below me was cracking. I headed toward the school door. I had to lose the crowd before I plunged down and drowned in the truth. Myu was dragged along with me, her arms slowly unlinking from around my arm. Satoshi followed, despite the glare of death I was giving him.

“Wait,” Myu said as I pulled open the genkan door. Walls of stacked boxes formed aisles of shoes and school slippers around us. “There was no practice last night?” The door swung shut behind the three of us. I said nothing, slipping out of my shoes and striding toward my box.

“The week before school ends?” Sato smirked. “Not likely.”

“Yuu-chan, were you...lying?”

“I didn’t lie, exactly,” I said, my eyes downcast to the floor. I had to fix this, but instead I’d gone into panic mode, alarms blaring in my head. My heart felt like it would give out. So much for being suave and in control. Dumbass.

“Where were you then?” Myu said.

“With some other girl.” Sato grinned.

I gave him a look of imminent murder. “Urusai,” I spat. “You’re a dick, Sato.” I pressed my fingers into Myu’s shoulders, looking into her wide eyes. “He’s lying.”

She didn’t look like she believed me.

“I’m totally lying, Myu,” Ishikawa laughed, and then she let out a shaky breath. What the hell? She believes him, but not me?

“So?” she said, waiting for the truth.

“So he was probably sketching,” Satoshi said, ramming his toes against the wooden floor to push the slippers onto his feet. “Loverboy wants to be a freaking Picasso.”

“Shut up, Sato,” I said. I hoped he wouldn’t hear the waver in my voice.

“Wait, what? You never told me that,” Myu said.

“Just some dumb art class,” I said. “It’s for my cram school. It’s nothing.”

“Don’t go cutting off your ears,” Sato added helpfully.

“That was van Gogh, moron.”

“It’s nothing, huh? Why are you flustered then?” Myu smiled. “Come on, let me see your sketches.”

“I don’t really have any,” I said. “I leave them at cram school.” Every part of my skin felt itchy, and I wanted to get out of there.

“Ne, will you draw me sometime?”

“Maybe naked,” Sato quipped.

I whirled around. “What part of shut up didn’t you understand?”

“Yuu-chan, please?”

“I’m no good,” I snapped at her. “And I don’t draw people, ever.”

“Why not?”

“I just don’t, okay? God, you guys. Leave it alone.”

I slid open the door to the hallway and slammed it closed behind me. Calm down, I told myself, but I couldn’t. I was sinking in the sand, the gateway to escape out of reach. Everything was unraveling in front of me, the shadows closing in. Swirling around me like I was some demon at the end of a dark alley. Which I guess I was.

There is only death.

No. I’ll fight it. I’ll fight it until the end.

Chapter Three

Katie

Nan was flying back to Canada without me. Gramps was too sick, and despite my protests that I would help them, there was still a mess of paperwork hanging over us.

A few years ago, before Gramps’ brief remission, he’d been so far gone that we were waiting for the call any day. At that time, when all our waking thoughts were of death, Mom made an appointment and changed her will. Legal custody of me would go to her sister, Diane, and not Nan and Gramps. Even without the legal issues, it was Mom’s last wish, and Nan was holding to it religiously.

“But Aunt Diane lives in Japan,” I said.

“I know, sweetie.”

“Japan.”

“I know. And it’s a nice country. I visited her there and the people were just lovely.”

“Nan, I don’t even speak Japanese!”

She’d squeezed my hands in hers again, but this time her grasp was weak. “We’ll get it sorted out,” she said.

Like I was just some sort of tangled knitting project of hers, like she could just unravel me and start over. Twisting my life into new shapes, something that everyone would nod and agree suited me better. But the stitches from my old life would show, the snarls and bends of the old pattern wrecking the new.

Mom was gone. Could we just stop trying to fix it for a minute? It couldn’t be fixed. Shipping me overseas wouldn’t make my life better. It would just make me vanish, tucked away where no one could look at me and feel awkward. Was Nan even on my side? Her eyes were tired and sad. I knew she loved me, but I also knew she wasn’t really seeing me. She was seeing Mom, and having her close but out of reach was hurting her.

God, I felt so alone. I was alone. This sore, horrible aching in my chest like I would just fall into pieces. All I wanted was to disappear.

There was a knock on my bedroom door. Almost all the guests had left from the memorial, ready to get back to their real lives.

This was the only life I had left. And it was falling apart.

A second, louder knock came, and before I could answer it, my door swung open to Aunt Diane, standing there with a worried look on her face.

“Hey,” she said.

I slumped down onto my bed, the energy knocked out of me. What kind of guardian would Aunt Diane be anyway? I knew so little about her.

Nan sat down beside me, patting my leg as I stared at the ceiling.

“So...you know, huh?” Diane said.

“I don’t get it,” I said. “Mom never wanted to go to Japan. Why would she send me?”

“I think she was more concerned that you be with someone who loves you and can take care of you,” Nan said. “Diane will look after you, Katie.”

Can’t you do that? I thought. Don’t you love me? You wouldn’t do this to me if you did.

I figure you’re allowed to be childish when you’ve lost everything.

“I know it’s been hard to spend time together, Katie,” Diane added. “But we’re family, and I want to do what I can to help you.”

“Then let me live with Nan,” I snapped.

Nan moved her reassuring hand from my leg. “Katie.”

“It’s okay, Mom,” Diane said. “She has a right to be upset. Katie, you know Nan and Gramps really can’t handle any big changes right now. Let’s just work it out for a bit until Gramps is better, okay?”

“I don’t want to,” I said, and Diane’s face fell. Okay, so I felt a little guilty about acting five, but my life was crumbling before my eyes. It was my only way to fight back. “Look, Aunt Diane, it’s nothing personal, but I don’t even know Japanese. I mean, past Hello Kitty and sushi, I really have no clue.”

“Just Diane,” she said with a nervous laugh. “I never got the hang of that aunt thing. And it’s okay. I know you’ll pick it up quickly. I’ll help you, and you can enroll in cram school, too.”

“I can’t,” I snapped, but what I meant was, I’m afraid. Too much change, all at once. Sure, going to Japan was exciting, but not if you’re going because your mom is dead and nobody wants you. I just wanted Mom. That’s all. Not exile to the other side of the world.

And the conversation I’d had with Mom hung over me like a dark cloud. It was the living-there-forever part of the talk swirling in my thoughts, Mom’s face when I’d wanted to take that vacation to Japan. What if you never come back? And now, to be told I was moving there—it was like some eerie prophecy of hers coming true, like something terrible was waiting for me there.

That was crazy, right? Because there was nothing more terrible than what had already happened to me. But why did I feel that way?

Nan and Diane looked at each other for a minute.

“Well,” Diane said cautiously. “What if you stay here?”

“Alone?” Nan and I said together.

“No, I mean with Linda. Just for a bit. The school year in Japan doesn’t start until the end of March, and I wouldn’t want to throw you in halfway through the year. Maybe we can wait to see if Gramps gets better? You’ll at least have a bit of time to figure out what you want to do.”

It was true Linda had offered to let me stay as long as I wanted, but I doubted she was thinking of adopting me for the rest of the year. It was one of those empty promises people make to you, like “let me know if you need anything” and “I know your mom’s in a better place.”

“What’s putting off the inevitable going to do?” I said.

“More time to decide,” Diane said. “It’s too sudden right now.”

“Yeah, but decide what? I don’t have any options.”

“I know,” Diane said, “but not having options doesn’t mean you don’t have choices.”

“Um...I don’t get it.”

Diane crouched in front of me, smelling of sweat and punch and appetizers from downstairs. “You can come to Japan filled with hope and confidence that you’ll make it work. Or you can be dragged because your life’s in tatters and none of us can fix it the way you want. And who knows, maybe this will all sort itself out and you’ll have choices you didn’t even realize you had. You still have choices, because you can decide how you face this. You can choose your next move, Katie. What do you think?”

I let Diane’s words soak into my thoughts. Stay here with Linda, living my life alone, in a way. The thought scared me as much as moving to Japan, but I wanted to hug her for suggesting it. At least she was treating me like an adult, like my life wasn’t being decided by some piece of paper. Like it actually belonged to me.

“Okay,” I said. “I want to stay with Linda for a while before I figure it out.” At least that way, my home would be across town. At least then I wouldn’t have to face the fact that Mom was gone for good.

Would everything hurt like this from now on? It was like I was caught in a storm, the rain so thick I couldn’t see anything around me. How was I supposed to make life decisions while drenched and disoriented?

“I’ll talk to Linda,” Nan said. “Katie, you know Gramps and I will do everything we can to get the custody papers in order as soon as he’s well, right? Japan is just temporary.”

Yeah, I thought. But how long is temporary? What if Gramps doesn’t get better?

I smiled feebly and Nan squeezed my hand, lifting herself slowly off the bed and stumbling down the hallway. She wasn’t well either—Diane and I could both see it.

“Thanks,” I said.

“You got it,” Diane answered. “And if and when you’re ready to come to Japan, I have a spare room that needs some decorating.”

I tried to smile. It came out hollow and fake. “Okay.”

“Listen,” she said, reaching for my hand. At the last minute, she pressed her fingers into the comforter instead. Maybe this whole thing was scary for her, too. “Let’s find a good Japanese class so you can start learning. Just in case. I mean, it’s something to take your mind off everything anyway, right?”

My room felt as stuffy as the living room had. I needed fresh air, or the walls would start rippling.

“Okay.” Anything. Just leave me alone. I need to be alone.

You are alone, Katie. You’ll be alone forever now.

“Katie.” Diane’s voice was steady. “Don’t try to do everything.”

“What do you mean?”

She stood up, ran a stiff hand through her tangled hair.

“I mean it’s okay to need help,” she said. “Let’s start small. I’m going to order some dinner. Chinese okay?”

I nodded, then fell back on my pillow. Diane backed out of the room and clicked the door closed behind her, the smell of cocktail weenies and rancid punch lingering in my room.

At least I could escape to my dreams, where Mom was still alive. Where I could choose what happened next.

It’s called running away, I told myself. Some choice.

Japan?

What if you never come back, Katie?

“You’re never coming back either, Mom,” I whispered, closing my eyes.

The world around me swirled to blackness.

Chapter Four

Tomohiro

Even with the cold and biting wind, I found Myu on the school roof where we often shared lunch on warmer days. Usually there’d be a few students up here, but the cold weather had forced them into hidden corners of the school to eat their lunches—the home ec tables, the far shelf in the library, the row of harps in the music room that formed a wall of strings. Myu was alone up here, and it was too quiet, eerie.

She stood with her back to me, her fingers threaded through the links in the chain fence around the edge of the roof. The wind tangled and untangled her hair as I stepped closer, watching it dance and whirl around her. She gazed out over the courtyard, almost deserted in the cold.

She was crazy to be out in this freezing wind, even if the sun was so bright I had to shield my eyes. But I liked that about her, when she did unexpected things. Her glittering nails and dangling earrings made her seem fragile sometimes, like something delicate, but then I’d find her standing alone on the roof in a storm, and I’d see the strength in her.

I smirked, just a little. Things were never what they appeared to be, not in my world.

I took another step toward her, my movement hidden by the sound of the wind encircling us.

She’d confessed to me up here that day. Sato and I had come up to the roof to drink our cold milk teas after kendo practice. I remembered throwing the can at him hard that day because I was pissed. He’d brought down a tsuki hit that I’d barely dodged, and I hadn’t even anticipated it. It used to be so easy to take him down, but he’d been getting tougher, and somehow while I was busy drowning in the nightmares that haunted me, he’d left me behind and surpassed me.

I’d looked at him, scrolling through his phone for any texts from them, any threats they wanted him to make today, any runs or jobs they wanted to send him on. It had started the spring we’d entered Suntaba, and it was getting worse. He was spiraling into his own darkness, and the thing was, he’d chosen it. It wasn’t like me. I didn’t have a choice. Why would you take a normal life and throw it away?

The bitterness had spilled over inside of me as it joined with my frustration from kendo practice.

I hate you, I’d thought as I ran my thumb down the cold tea can. Your life was normal. You don’t have the nightmares. You could even be the better kendouka if you focused.

I didn’t hate him, not really, but the jealousy was white hot as I pulled back the can, the weight of it sloshing in my hand as I hurled it toward him.

Your life was normal, and you fucked it up.

The can smacked into Satoshi’s chest and he curled his fingers around it before it could drop. “Oi, what the hell, man?” he said, his deep eyes searching mine. “Save it for when you beat the crap out of Katakou School’s team.” He grinned then, pressing a gentle fist into my shoulder before cracking the pop tab backward.

I remembered the shame that followed.

I hate you, I’d thought again, but this time it was myself I hated.

And then Myu had appeared at the top of the stairs, her skirt hiked up short and her nails painted with blue bows or stars or something that sparkled in the sunlight.

She’d stood there for a moment, her hair catching on the wind the way it was now, her eyes locked with mine and a letter in her hands. She’d looked determined, like I was just an argument she had to win.

Another rejection I’d have to make. Another person I’d have to push away.

And something in me had snapped. I wanted to be normal, like Satoshi. I wanted it more than anything.

So I’d said yes when she confessed—yes, let’s go out. And I don’t know which of us had been more surprised.

So much had changed in three months. The nightmares still haunted me, but I didn’t feel as alone. In the daylight, standing here with Myu, I could almost imagine that being normal was possible.

A gust of wind twisted her hair around her bright red-and-cream muffler, and I reached out my hand for her.

Alone on the rooftop together. Romantic or something, right?

But alone on a rooftop with me could be deadly. That’s what happens when you’re marked. I was drowning slowly, drop by drop.

I didn’t want to live in shadow anymore. I didn’t want to push her away.

I rested my hand on her muffler, her tangled hair soft against my fingers.

She whirled around. “Yuu-chan.”

“Myu,” I said. “What are you doing out here? Sa-me zo.” I tucked the knit muffler tighter around her neck.

“It’s cold,” she agreed. “I was just thinking. About us.”

Oh, great.

“What about us?” I said, wrapping my arms around her. She didn’t move away, so I figured it was a good sign.

“Are you...is everything okay with us?”

How could it be fine when I was less than human?

But I wanted it to be fine. God, how I wanted it to be fine. Myu put up with my crap—wasn’t that all I could ask for?

“Everything’s fine,” I said. “It’s great.”

She could destroy me now. She could ask if what Sato had said was true. Was I with another girl instead of her? Could I tell her where I disappeared to all those times, or why I didn’t answer my phone?

No. I couldn’t tell her anything.

If she asked, I would be silent, and she would leave. And I would be alone on the rooftop, looming over the world that could never really be mine.

Myu smiled and leaned into me. “Suki,” she said. I love you.

I held on to her, looking out at the emptiness of the courtyard.

Is this what love is? Because if she lets go of me, I will gasp and sputter and drown.

There will be nothing left of me but emptiness.

Chapter Five

Katie

So this was what my life had become.

I sat on the bed, not even bothering to raise the blinds. The light from outside only emphasized the features that reminded me this room wasn’t mine. Bright red walls, posters of bands I didn’t listen to, a black dresser with a graveyard of torn stickers littering the top. Linda’s daughter Jess had started university in September—Linda had barely made the drive back across the country in time to help plan Mom’s funeral. And now I haunted Jess’s room like some kind of ghost, pale and lurking in dark corners.

I remembered the day in July when Linda and Mom were having coffee in our kitchen, Linda laughing nervously about empty-nest syndrome. “What am I going to do with all my free time?” She was giggling. Mom had patted her arm quietly as Linda babbled on.

Mom could always see through people to the real story, see what was really in someone’s heart, even if they didn’t know it themselves. It made her a great journalist but a tough mother. She always knew when I was lying, so there was no point in telling her anything but the truth. We talked over everything instead, every dilemma that weighed on me, every drama that seemed huge and crushing and mountainous.

It was funny, looking back on it. Those troubles were feather-light compared to losing Mom. This was the real mountain looming over me, and now Mom wasn’t here to help me navigate it.

But I would make it through, right? I was already better, a few weeks dulling the sting of losing her.

Lying to myself, of course. I was in pieces. What would Mom say if she were here? Pat me on the arm, pour me another cup of tea. Talk to me, Katie. You can’t climb a mountain if you don’t look where you’re going.

Living with Linda was all right for a while. School started, and everything was back to normal. At first my friends walked on eggshells around the subject of Mom’s death, a few timid sorrys muttered nervously, like they were somehow killing her just by saying it. But after a few weeks they moved on to the usual high school news, who was dating whom, the chem teacher’s breakdown in class, the mystery graffiti in the lunchroom. Only I was trapped in the past, some sort of time-warped version of myself that couldn’t break free from the grief. Some days I took off at lunch, tears rolling down my face all the way back to Linda’s. Friends stopped calling to see if I wanted to do things. They knew I’d end up blubbering, which is no fun, fair enough, but I couldn’t help myself. I felt caged in, like I couldn’t grieve. How could I? My life was still in limbo, stuck at a weird crossroads where the only way to go forward was to rip everything to shreds again.

I was stuck in this weird room of harsh red and black, the ceiling sloping in like a tomb and shelves of books that weren’t mine.

A room missing its girl. And a different girl in its place. Like some kind of changeling.

There was a polite knock on my door, followed by the handle turning and creaking as Linda tiptoed in.

“Hey, Katie,” she said with a forced smile. “Doing okay today?”

“Yeah,” I said. We were strangers, really, linked only because of Mom. And yet she kept the smile on, even with me sitting on the bedspread Jess had picked out, the room that was supposed to be empty for her visit back from college this week.

“You’re making yourself at home in Jess’s room, right?” she said, her eyes falling on my suitcase still in the corner. “You might feel better if you unpack, you know? Her dresser’s empty. And you know you can read any of her books if you want, okay?”

“Thanks,” I said. I’d peeked at her books my first week, feeling like a bit of a snoop. All epic space adventures and murder mysteries. Reading about space only made me feel confined; murder mysteries only filled my thoughts with death. The redness of blood and the blackness of space, echoed by the paint colors in her bedroom, stifling as they tried to absorb me and make me fit.

They couldn’t. I was just too different.

“If you want me to move my stuff for Jess’s visit—” I started, leaping to my feet like I was going to start clearing out right away. But all I had was a small pile of books beside the bookshelf and my bulging suitcase in the corner. It was kind of pathetic, really.

“That’s okay.” Linda smiled. “You barely have anything to move. And anyway, Jess will take the couch for now.”

“But it’s her room,” I said. The wider Linda’s smile, the more intrusive I felt. We both knew I was in the way.

“No worries,” she said. “She’s a big girl, and she’s only here for a few days. She’s lucky I haven’t turned her room into some kind of yoga studio or something. Maybe I’ll talk to her about letting you paint it something else. That red really makes the room look so much smaller.” Like changing the color would make me fit, but it was sweet of her to try. “Um, have you changed your mind about the Japanese class starting tonight?”

The mention of it sent my heart pounding. I couldn’t face it. Starting a new life meant admitting Mom was gone.

“Maybe,” I said. “But I-I’m not sure if I can.”

“Okay,” Linda said gently. “But I just think...” She looked at my face, and I must’ve looked like a wreck because her eyes softened and she backed out of the room. “I’ll check with you later, okay? Think about it.”

“Sure,” I said, and the hallway swallowed her up. Just me again.

I collapsed back onto the bed, staring at the sloping ceiling above me.

“I can’t,” I said to the stucco. “I can’t stay here.”

The house was too small for a charity project like me, and I wasn’t helping with the skipped classes and creepy emo lurking I did in Jess’s room. Some days it was all I could do to get up and brush my teeth. I was skipping more and more classes, falling further behind. I could see it looming in Linda’s eyes—the talk, when she’d have to politely remind me that dropping out of school was only hurting myself. I could see it in her face, that she felt like she was letting Mom down every time I cut class.

I was struggling, but she didn’t know how to help me. I was some foreign thing dropped in her lap, and she was as lost as I was.

Tell yourself the truth, Katie. Look at that mountain. Size it up, or you’ll never climb it.

It was time to face the truth. Staying with Linda wasn’t a choice. I was a puzzle piece crammed in the wrong box.

Japan couldn’t be any worse than this, right? I reached for the travel guide at the bottom of the stack of books I kept beside Jess’s cluttered shelf. The pages were worn with all the tearful nights I’d spent flipping through. Diane lived in Shizuoka, which wasn’t featured at all on the glossy photo pages. About an hour outside Tokyo, its claim to fame was the fields of tea surrounding the city for harvest. That and a great view of Mt. Fuji, although the book featured a view from Kamakura so I couldn’t be sure.

I didn’t know if I had it in me to go to the Japanese class. I’d set the bar pretty low the past few weeks—I bet Linda wasn’t even expecting me to make it to the front door. I reached for the required textbook and cracked open the spine.

“Holy crap,” I said, staring at the foreign squiggles and lines. Three writing systems—two phonetic and one made up of ancient Chinese symbols called kanji. It said I needed to know thousands of the symbols to read a newspaper. I tossed the book on Jess’s bed, crammed between the bookshelf and her black desk. The shelf was old and rickety, and some nights I swore it would come crashing down on my head. Death by book avalanche. Not the worst way to go, I guess.

A minute later, I picked up the book again.

A-i-u-e-o.

Maybe I could do this. Maybe I could pick up the shards of my life and make something with them.

Maybe this was a choice I could make.

I stared at the symbols for hours, sketching them out on my notebook five at a time, starting with the hiragana. I wrote them over and over, until my page was a sea of vowels, shaky-handed letters that could spell anything I wanted them to. A page full of potential, a page full of choice.

The door opened again, this time Linda dangling her keys from her hand, her pale face worried and hesitant to ask. But she did, after a moment.

“You ready to go, sport?” she said, jingling the keys.

My fingers curved along the loops of the hiragana I’d drawn.

“Yeah,” I said. “I’m ready.”

Chapter Six

Tomohiro

For a while I thought I was in control. There hadn’t been any more incidents, at least not ones that caught anyone’s attention. What was another scrape or gash on my arm? If it was contained to only me, then I considered it under control.

Not anymore. My hand shook as Nakamura-sensei wrote the kanji on the board.

“I know it’s the last day of class,” he chuckled, his fingers dusted white with chalk as he sketched each stroke, “but I don’t want any slackers, got it? One more lesson so you’re prepared for Year 3 History, ne?”

“Haiiiii,” droned the students, but I couldn’t speak. I stared at the name on the board.

Taira no Kiyomori. The one from the dream.

“So, who knows about Taira no Kiyomori?” Nakamura said. “Anyone?” A few tentative hands shot up. Definitely not mine.

“A samurai, right?” said Tanaka Keiko. I knew her vaguely, because a long time ago I’d been in Calligraphy Club with her brother, Ichirou. I couldn’t announce the connection to her, of course. That had been when it all started.

“More than a samurai,” Nakamura said. “He established the samurai-run government in the 12th century. He put his own son on the throne as emperor and staged a coup that changed everything for the samurai families. He also contributed heavily to the rebuilding of Itsukushima Shrine. But...” He paused dramatically, like my heart wasn’t already in my throat, like I wasn’t going to be sick. “There are rumors he wasn’t even from the Heike family, that his father wasn’t actually Taira no Tadamori.”

Nakamura leaned against his desk, looking at us with gleaming eyes.

“They called him the Monster,” he said. “The Demon Son.”

A monster. The shadows chasing him to the Torii outside Itsukushima Shrine—was it all real, then? Some sort of vision of the past? I’d thought it was just a nightmare.

“We don’t know much about his parentage, but he might have been an illegitimate heir to the throne. Or, if the rumors were true, his father was something far more sinister.”

“A demon?” Keiko laughed. “That’s just a story though.”

“Deshou,” said Nakamura, smiling. “I guess it couldn’t be true, could it?”

It could. It was. They had no idea what they were saying, but I did.

The Demon Son. Close enough to the truth about me. But I couldn’t accept it. I would run from myself, just like Taira had.

“Yuuto,” came a harsh whisper, and I looked over. Satoshi was nodding his head at my paper. I looked down, startled by the sprawling mess of ink. The letters on my page were so badly blotted that they curled out in strange shapes, completely illegible.

“Too much caffeine,” I whispered back. I lifted my hand to show him how it was shaking. And I exaggerated, because Satoshi was the only one who suspected anything about me. I had to overdo it so he wouldn’t think anything was actually wrong.

“Right,” Sato said, rolling his eyes. “Lay off the good stuff for a bit, yeah? Nakamura will kick you off the kendo team if he sees you like that.”

I gave him the finger and he grinned while I turned the page in my notebook. But inside, my heart was pounding.

The letters weren’t blotted from a shaky hand. I was losing control.

When the bell rang, we stood and bowed to Nakamura before he left the classroom. I stretched as everyone started on today’s cleaning duty. Satoshi lifted his chair and threw it at me. I barely caught it in time.

“Jeez, Yuuto,” he said. “Still out of it?”

“Just aspiring to be like you,” I said, flipping the chair over and slamming it onto his desk. Tanaka Keiko pushed between the two of us, pressing a mop against Sato’s chest.

Sato sighed. “Again?”

Tanaka smirked. “What, you’d rather have bathroom duty?”

“On second thought...” he said, grabbing the mop from her.

My keitai buzzed and I reached into my book bag for it. The kendo warrior charm swung back and forth on the strap as I flipped the phone open.

“Myu?” Sato guessed, rolling his eyes. He leaned the mop against the wall while he lifted two more chairs onto desks.

I stared at the text.

“Shiori,” I said.

Sato’s voice went quiet, full of concern. “She okay?”

Shiori and I had become closer since Kaasan’s accident, when I’d promised to look out for her. She used to hang out with Sato and me all the time in junior high. Not so much lately, since I wanted to keep her safe from him. I smirked at that—the Demon Son, keeping Shiori safe from a harmless thug like Sato. But the real problem for her wasn’t Sato or even me. It was the morons tormenting her every chance they got.

I shook my head. “I gotta go.”

“Damn. Why can’t they leave her alone?” Sato and I were used to the texts from Shiori now, pleading for help from the latest confrontation. We didn’t know who they were—students at her school, most likely—but whoever they were, when I found out, they’d see just what kind of monster I could be.

No. I couldn’t give in to the darkness, not even when I wanted to. Not even when it called my name.

“Cover for me?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know the drill,” Sato said. “But then you’ve got to come with me Friday night.”

“Why?”

“Backup. In Ikeda. There’s this guy I gotta meet up with, and—”

“Damn it, Sato!”

He leaned back, crossing his arms over his chest with a shrug. “Those are my terms, man.”

I glared for a minute. “Sometimes I really hate you.”

“Same here,” he smiled, and smacked my arm. I waited until Tanaka’s back was turned and then slipped out the door of the classroom, hurrying to the genkan to put on my shoes.

“Yuu-chan!” I heard as I pulled on the second shoe.

Not now. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to see her, but I had to help Shiori and I couldn’t exactly tell Myu that. She stood in the doorway, her foot dangling just above the top stair. As usual, she’d pulled the waist of her skirt too high to show off her legs. A thought buzzed in the back of my head that I should be upset about the rest of the guys at school seeing her like that, but I was more worried about Shiori right now. They were making her life a living hell again, and I had to get there to stop it.

“Myu,” I said. She smiled and descended the three stairs, walking toward me until she was so close the hem of her skirt pressed against me. So did the rest of her bare thigh.

“I thought you had to clean today,” she said. God, she smelled good. I had to stop myself from pulling her closer.

“Sato’s covering for me.”

“I have Debate Club, but I saw you in the hallway and thought I should say hi.” She pressed herself against me as her lips found mine, and then my thoughts went all hazy.

I pulled away for a minute. “Hi,” I managed, then pulled her back for more. Yeah, shallow, okay? But I wasn’t made of stone. The tips of her glittery fingernails ran through my hair as I tried to control the part of me that wanted to shove her against the wall and do things to her. She knew it, and her hands started to roam, making it even more difficult to fight.

A muffled giggle behind us broke me out of it. We both looked over at the first years, standing on the steps with their hands over their mouths. Normally I wouldn’t care—gossip about Myu and I sucking face kept away the darker rumors—but one of the girls reminded me of Shiori. Damn it. I stroked Myu’s face with my fingers.

“I’ll see you later, okay?” I said, and started to walk away.

She grabbed my arm and the jolt of it shocked me back. She pulled me behind the wall of cubbies and kissed me harder. Shit. She was not making this easy for me.

“Myu,” I warned.

“Come on,” she whispered, her fingers trailing down my arm. “Let’s go to a love hotel.”

“We can’t,” I said, struggling for reasons why. “You have Debate.”

“So I’ll skip,” she giggled.

“I’m broke,” I tried, looking at the clock that hung over the door.

“So your house, then. Come on, Yuu-chan.” She leaned closer, her breath hot in my ear.

It was enough to jolt me out of it. What the hell was I doing? Without even trying, I was destroying everyone around me. Shiori couldn’t rely on me, and Myu would get dragged into whatever nightmare this was that I was living. The ink was a danger to both of them just by being around me. The Demon Son. That was me, and I’d rather arrive at the gates of Hell alone than bring down someone like them.

I hated this. I hated myself. What the hell was wrong with me that I couldn’t live a normal life?

“Muriko,” I snapped. “I can’t, okay? I have to go!”

She looked like I’d slapped her when I used her full name. It was a harder rejection than I’d meant it to be. She stepped back, her eyes cold.

“Go where?”

“Cram school,” I lied, but my hands were shaking again. I was a mess. I couldn’t deal with this right now.

“Fine,” she said.

“Myu,” I said softly, touching her chin. “I’ll call you later.”

“No you won’t,” she sighed, pushing my hand away. And then she jumped back, slamming her back against the wall as she cried out.

“What happened?” I panicked. “Are you okay?”

Her hands were shaking. She turned them slowly.

Her nails, once bright and glittery, were coated with dripping black ink. It trickled down her fingertips, pooling in the creases of her hand.

Shit.

“What the hell, Yuu?” she shrieked. “Where did this ink come from?”

“I don’t know,” I said, but she stared at me like it was my fault. I couldn’t pretend to be baffled. It would become another rumor with the first-years nearby. “Must—must have leaked from my bag,” I stammered. “I have a bottle of ink for cram school.” I grabbed for my handkerchief and wiped the black ink off. It was no use. The silver glitter on her nails was tainted a dark gray.

“I’m sorry,” I said after a minute, “but I really have to go.”

I’d only walked a few steps when she spoke behind me.

“Yuu, why are you drawing at cram school?”

I stopped. “What?”

“Because I told Keiko, and she said you used to be in calligraphy with her brother, but that you quit because something happened. Something weird. And that you don’t draw now.”

Oh god. It was starting. So Tanaka Keiko knew who I was after all.

“Nothing weird,” I said. “I just left school because of Kaasan’s accident.”

She took a step forward. “But Keiko said—”

“I don’t care what she said!” I put my shaking hands on her shoulders. “Who are you going to believe, Myu? Tanaka or me?” She looked at my fingers as they trembled on her skin.

“I don’t know anymore,” she said quietly.

“Look, I’m sorry. It’s nothing, okay? It’s nothing.”

“But—”

I left without another word, the door closing behind me with a soft snick.

Running from myself, like Taira in the dream. But I didn’t have a choice.

Shiori needed me.

Chapter Seven

Katie

We were crammed into the plane like sardines. I could barely cross my legs without bumping the seat in front of me. It didn’t seem like a very glamorous way to start a new life, but then again, I didn’t really want to be starting over anyway.

I’d been at the gate half an hour early because Linda had worried I’d miss my flight. Maybe she’d really just been afraid that I’d never leave.

I stared out the plane window as New York drifted away. Had it really been five months already? I couldn’t believe I’d made it so long without Mom, like some kind of twisted new record. But there was no going back at the end, no way to stop counting the days.

This was my new life, whether I was ready or not. I just had to wait quietly for time to heal the wounds. So far, time just pressed on them until I felt like I was suffocating.

Half an hour into the air and already my world was foreign. Almost everyone on the plane was Japanese. That or expat English teachers returning from brief visits on American soil. Across from me a pair of senior citizens took off their shoes and pulled comfy slippers from their carry-ons.

“Tea, miss?”

I looked up. The stewardesses stood over me, a pitcher of cold green tea poised in one hand, a stack of plastic cups in the other.

“Um, no thanks,” I said. She nodded and then the brief moment was over, and Japanese flowed off her tongue as she asked the next row and the next. A blond man two rows in front of me answered her in Japanese, and it dawned on me that she’d spoken English to me as a courtesy. I was supposed to be speaking Japanese now. It wasn’t like I hadn’t studied my brains out since October—what little brain that could focus—but I felt small, suddenly, small and lost in the Japanese around me. So much for lists of fruits and vegetables and animals. I hadn’t really learned anything after all.

“I’m doomed,” I said to myself, slipping my head into my hands.

For a while I flipped through the movies, then the TV stations. There was a Japanese variety show where a jumble of guests discussed times they’d tried to blurt out two words at once, creating new combo words. Apparently it was hilarious, because they all giggled and the audience applauded. I stared at the bright kanji scrolling across the bottom of the screen. I could read a lot of them individually, but I couldn’t put them together. It was like trying to put together some awful puzzle when I only had a few of the pieces in my hand.

I shut the TV off and looked out the window. My breath caught in my throat—the land had already disappeared, and sunlight gleamed off the ocean below us. Just like that, my life had slipped away.

I’m sorry, Mom. I’m leaving you after all.

It was stupid, maybe, but I couldn’t help it. I closed my eyes to keep in the tears.

There wasn’t much to do on a fourteen-hour flight. For a few hours I dozed, bumping my head against the window every time I started to get comfortable. Mostly I stared at my hands, trying to figure out who I was, who I would become. What sort of life was waiting for me?

Only a couple hours left to go, and suddenly the plane lurched forward. I grabbed the armrests and stared out the window. No one looked too alarmed. Another bump, and I felt this one deep in my heart. I was never one for roller coasters.

The stewardess who’d offered me tea noticed my expression and scurried down the aisle toward me.

“Just a bit of turbulence, Miss,” she smiled. “Nothing to worry about.”

I nodded, but my knuckles were white as I grabbed at my seat. Something was off.

Wouldn’t the captain usually warn us if this kind of turbulence was approaching? Put on the seat belt sign or something? But the flight attendants only mumbled to each other, their faces concerned. The plane dipped once more. This time the seat belt sign lit up.

Something in my heart buzzed, like an electric eel slithering through, and then a warmth spread through me like my blood had caught fire. At first it was just uncomfortable, like heartburn throbbing in every vein, but it surged until I felt like I was burning, like I would turn to ashes right there.

I unbuckled the seat belt and lunged for the bathroom.

“Miss, you can’t get up right now!”

I ignored her and locked myself in, gasping for breath.

What was happening? I stared at my hands. My skin looked pinker than usual, and my face was flushed. Some kind of fever? But I didn’t feel sick.

Great. Two hours from landing and I was having some sort of heart attack.

I turned on the tap and splashed cold water on my face.

Maybe it’s better if you’re sick. You don’t belong anymore.

No, that was stupid. Mom wouldn’t want that. I didn’t want that, not really. I was just scared, that’s all. Some sort of panic attack.

I pressed my fingers against my wrist, trying to find my pulse. And then I realized something horrible, something terrifying.

The plane dipped in perfect time with my heartbeat.

I gasped. And then suddenly the heat fizzled away, my cheeks paled and my pulse slowed. All that was left was the buzzing feeling, like I’d had a good jolt of electricity through me.

What the hell?

The stewardess knocked on the door. “Miss?”

I yanked a paper towel from the wall and patted my face dry. I opened the door and mumbled an apology.

“You’re all right?”

“I’m fine,” I said, slumping back into my seat.

“Let me get you some tea,” she said, and she hurried away.

The pocket of turbulence slowed with my heartbeat, and then everything was as still as before.

Had I imagined it? Maybe it felt like my pulse had matched it because every bump had thrown my stomach for a loop. It was strange, though. I knew I should’ve asked for help instead of locking myself in, and yet something in me felt the incident had been something to hide. Maybe I was just afraid to face whatever it was, that there might be some real problem with me.

Everything on the plane seemed so vivid, the lights too bright, the fabric of the seat too rough. Everything came into focus, like I’d been sleeping all this time and had just woken up. I guessed it was just the aftermath of a panic attack.

“Here you go,” the stewardess said, handing me a plastic cup of cold tea.

“Thanks,” I said, and I took a sip. It tasted like mulled green beans, bitter and strange but not completely awful.

I looked out the window as Japan unfurled below us. It was a different world, the colors somehow more saturated and the air denser than home. The cars looked different, even if they were ant-sized from this height. Streets had white kanji scrawled on them in paint; stop signs were triangular, and everyone drove on the left. It was like life filtered through a warped mirror.

This was my life now, and I could barely recognize it.

Chapter Eight

Tomohiro

“Shiori!” I shouted as I neared the courtyard of her school. It was a private girls’ academy, but I didn’t hesitate, just plowed straight through groups of girls in their crimson blazers and tartan skirts, past the open iron gates and toward the door of the main building.

I flung the door open. Their genkan wasn’t as old-fashioned as ours. Instead of shoe cubbies, rows of beige half lockers filled the room.

A few of the girls looked up at me with wide eyes, but I ignored them, weaving between them like they weren’t even there. On the other side of a row of lockers I heard the muffled sobs.

“Shiori?”

The sobbing stopped.

“Tomo-kun?”

Shiori was the one person I had let get close to me, because despite everything that had happened—the accidents, the accusations—she had never doubted me. If I could just protect her, maybe I wouldn’t have to accept what the nightmares repeated, that I was destined for nothing but destruction and death. If I protected her, my life could have meaning. I could fight what I knew I was.

I looked down the next row of lockers and found her sitting on the floor in a slump, surrounded by crumpled white papers. Her locker door hung open, the corner of it warped in a new and ugly dent.

“Are you okay?” I said. I crouched down beside her, and my movement sent several more of the white papers tumbling from her locker. She shook her head, the tears streaking down her face as she wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand.

I picked up one of the crumpled papers and unfolded it. Giant kanji scrawled across it, childish names like dirty slut with Shiori’s phone number scrawled at the bottom. You don’t need a kotatsu table to keep warm. Call Shiori! She’ll sleep with anyone! It was the filth of washroom graffiti, juvenile really, but Shiori’s petite frame shook with sobs.

I scrunched the paper into a ball. “Assholes,” I said. “You know who it was?”

She shook her head again, her voice almost a whisper. She looked as pale as the lockers, like if I touched her shoulder she might just vanish completely.

One of the girls leaned over, her hands clasped in front of her. “Um...are you her boyfriend? I don’t think you’re supposed to be here—”

“Shut it,” I snapped, and she held her hands up.

“Mou! Just trying to warn you. You want to get her in more trouble?”

I stood up, my bangs falling into my eyes as I stared at her. “If you girls looked out for each other I wouldn’t have to be here,” I growled. “What, are you going to just let her sit there in a pile of hate mail? What if it was you, huh? What if you had the whole school breathing down your neck because they weren’t getting any?”

“Tomo-kun, stop.” Shiori’s voice trembled and the rage in me melted away. What the hell was with me today?

The other girl looked at me like I was crazy, but I didn’t care. “Sorry,” I mumbled to Shiori, and started scooping up armfuls of the paper. The girl stood watching for a minute, then turned and left silently. Like she wasn’t just ignoring the bullying. I cursed under my breath.

“It’s okay,” Shiori said. “It’s nice that you’re mad.”

“Mad? I’m furious. Fuming, you might say.” She fought a smile, so I kept pushing. “I’m enraged. Incensed!” A small smile broke through, and I grinned. Back in control, finally. “Let’s get a bag to put these in, and then I’m taking you to get shabu shabu for dinner.”

“Be serious,” Shiori said. “Like you have the money for that.”

“Okay, maybe not,” I grinned. “But udon I could handle.”

“Um, Yamada-san?” came the nervous voice, calling Shiori formally by her last name. I looked up. The girl had returned, a white plastic bag held open in her outstretched hands.

Shiori just stared. Finally, she breathed, “Thank you.”

I lifted the pile of papers in my arms and shoved them into the bag, nodding at the girl. She nodded back.

Just a little kindness. That’s all anyone needed. Not to be alone. Why was it so hard for any of us to give?

Deep thoughts for a Demon Son. The thought sent me whirling back to the history lesson. Taira no Kiyomori was real. The nightmares were real. What did it mean?

I wanted to be alone all of a sudden, to figure it out. But Shiori was already at my side, a new smile on her lips, her eyes puffy from dried tears. I’d worry about it later.

“Let’s go,” I said, and she nodded.

We wove through the pathways of Sunpu Park in the crisp February sunlight.

“Don’t let me eat too much this time,” Shiori laughed. “I’m getting fat.” She patted her stomach.

I grinned, but inside I felt drained, frozen. I couldn’t keep this up anymore. One wrong move and everything would shatter.

“Shiori,” I said, stopping on the path.

“You okay?” she said, but I didn’t answer. I stared down the grassy hill to the moat around the park. The murky water rippled under the cold breeze. Not quite spring, but not quite winter. Caught in between, like me. How had I lost control of my own life?

I slumped down on the bench, running a hand through my hair. She sat down delicately beside me.

“Shiori, you can’t—you can’t let them keep bullying you like this. I’m not always going to be around to help you.”

She smiled, hooking her elbows over the back of the bench as she crossed her legs. “You always say that,” she said. “And yet you always come.”

“But what if I couldn’t?” I said. “What if something happened to me?”

She frowned. “What’s wrong, Tomo-kun?”

“Nothing,” I lied. It scared me to know the nightmares might be real, visions of the past or something. It scared me because it meant maybe they were true.

How much time did I have before it consumed me? Is that what had happened to Taira?

Shiori’s small hand curled into mine, and I looked up, surprised. Her skin felt cold and soft, fragile. Something precious. “Tomo-kun,” she said. “I’ll try to be tougher, okay? I won’t let them get to me. I don’t want to be a trouble to you anymore.”

“You’re not,” I said. “You could never be. I just hate to see them hurt you, Shiori. I don’t want that for you.”

She smiled and nodded, her hand pulling away from me. Emptiness where her fingers once were. I was alone again, somehow.

She looked out over the moat, strands of her hair pulled loose from her ponytail and clinging to her neck.

As a rule, I never sketched people. It was too dangerous, the ink taking off in ways I couldn’t control. But looking at her sitting there, with her sad eyes and her slender fingers curled around the nape of her neck, I couldn’t fight the urge to capture it. I wanted to hold on to this moment like nothing else. It was quiet, peaceful. Normal. Everything I wanted.

And as dangerous as the ink was, if there was anything in me at all that wasn’t monstrous, it would protect Shiori. Maybe I could trust myself to protect her—I always had.

“Shiori,” I said.

“Nani?” she smiled. “What is it?”

“I want to sketch you.”

She tilted her head. “What? But you never draw people.”

“Just this once.”

“Why?”

I looked at her, wanting to tell her but not sure how to express it. Her eyes fell away from me and back to the moat. “Ii yo,” she relented. “Sure.” She knew when to stop asking questions. She protected me too. And I wanted to remember this moment, before everything fell apart again. This one, normal moment, when we were just a boy and a girl in Sunpu Park.

I opened my sketchbook and clicked the end of my pen. I sketched the lines furiously, reaching with a gentle hand to tilt her chin for the portrait, to smooth the hair beside her ear.

I watched for inkblots, for the lines to drip the way they had in class. I watched for the warning signs that I should stop, but they didn’t come. Even the shadows were frightened to break the fragile moment.

It was nice, pretending to be normal. Later, when I’d tucked the sketch away, we walked to the department store on Miyuki Road and ate udon together, seeing who could shove the most noodles in their mouth without laughing. I choked on the spicy broth and gulped down my water as the waiters eyed me with suspicion.

But the darkness always waited, always lurked in the corners. It couldn’t stay like this forever. And when the time came, the claws would reach for me again, and I would be engulfed in darkness.

Chapter Nine

Katie

“Katie!” Diane shrieked, waving wildly at me. She was easy to spot on the other side of the crowds. It’s not that she was really overweight or anything, but she had, as Mom put it, a “healthy appetite.” With her build, height and pale skin among the bustling Japanese crowd, she was like a sad version of Where’s Waldo?

But once we’d hugged and I trailed her to the lower level of Narita airport, everything changed. She wasn’t awkward. She wasn’t the piece that didn’t fit, the difference that needed circling. She spoke fluently to everyone, placing a ticket in my hand for the Narita Express train—the NEX—and standing with the crowd, watching the kanji fly by on the digital board to tell us which platform and which car to line up for.

I was the one who didn’t fit, not her. I stared at her, awed.

She smiled. “You’ll pick it up quickly, too,” she said as we took our seats on the train.

I tilted my head back against the fuzzy headrest.

“Are you kidding?” I said. “I studied for four months and I could barely nod my way through customs.”

“Just give it four or five months here, and you’ll speak like a pro,” Diane said. “It’s completely different when you’re immersed in the language.”

“Okay,” I said, halfway between not believing and not caring. I was too exhausted from the jet lag to worry about it much. The train tunneled out of the darkness and to the outside, the February trees bare and the grass brown as mud.

“Just forget English,” Diane said, folding her hands in front of her. “Don’t even think of it as an option. Don’t translate things in your head—just go with what sounds right. If you translate, you’re not really thinking in Japanese, right?”

“I guess.”

Diane smiled. “Never mind. Rest a bit. We still have to take the bullet train after this.”

I peered out the window at the tracks, nestled between two steep hillsides so that I could see nothing of Japan but the slopes of winter forest. The train swayed from side to side gently, and a stream of steady Japanese echoed in the train car, announcements telling us something or other about the train and the destinations. The tracks clacked underneath us in a steady rhythm—click-clack, click-clack. Then another tunnel and out again, and the hills pulled away briefly.

I stared at the low buildings. They looked strange, somehow, deep reds and browns, with black-tiled roofs and gray brick walls.

“This isn’t exactly how I pictured Tokyo,” I said.

“Oh? What did you expect?” Diane peered out the window to look with me.

The hills blotted out the buildings again.

“I guess—skyscrapers? Pagodas? Millions of people?” But the glimpses of road that sped past were empty.

“Well, we’re not really in Tokyo for one thing. It’ll be an hour before we get there.”

“Oh,” I said, feeling ridiculous. Wasn’t Narita Airport in Tokyo? Just how big was a sprawling city of 13 million people? I couldn’t picture it.

I closed my eyes, the jet lag hitting me as the train rocked me from side to side. When I opened them again, Diane was gently prodding my arm as she grabbed the handle of my suitcase.

“We need to transfer to the Shinkansen,” she said. “We’re in Tokyo Station now.”

“Wow,” I said. “I slept that long?”

“You’re like a pro already,” she said. “Lots of people sleep on the trains here.”

We left the doors of the NEX and stepped onto the platform. The air smelled musty like train stations do, and I followed Diane quickly through the thick crowds. A tune chimed from the speakers followed by a steady stream of polite Japanese—some sort of train announcement, I guessed.

Everywhere there were men in business suits and teens in school uniforms. All the boys in blazers and dress pants, the girls in pleated skirts.

That’s going to be me, I thought. I’m going to wear one of those.

One student passed me, a white mask over her mouth and hooked over her ears like she was a hospital patient. Weird. We kept walking, and then a businessman passed by with one on.

“What’s up with the masks?” I said.

“Huh?” Diane said. It wasn’t even foreign to her anymore. “Oh, those? It’s a courtesy because they have a cold. They don’t want to spread the germs, you know?”

“Seriously?” I guess it was a nice gesture, but it was strange to see them walking around like they were fresh from an operating room or something.

Another happy tune chimed as I tripped over a thick strip of yellow plastic bumps.

“So what about all the songs?” I said. “And the bumps?”

Diane smiled. “The chimes make the announcements more pleasant, right?” she said. “And the bumps are to help the blind get around. You’ll get the hang of it, Katie. It’s a lot all at once. Are you hungry?” She stopped at a kiosk, breaking into rapid Japanese that I couldn’t follow. If I couldn’t even understand Diane, I was definitely doomed.

I tried to listen to the announcements as I waited for her, concentrating to hear any words I knew. Okay, got a particle. Got a past tense marker. But nothing concrete. I couldn’t grasp a single full sentence. They could be announcing Godzilla was about to smash the station into pieces and I’d be the only one who hung around and got crushed.

I was completely helpless, like some kind of little kid. I hated the feeling.

Diane came over a minute later and pressed a green triangular thing wrapped in plastic into my palm.

I turned it over, staring at the kanji on the label. “Um,” I said. “Thanks?”

“Onigiri,” she said patiently. “Rice ball wrapped in seaweed. Well, rice triangle I guess. It’s got salmon inside.”

I clung to Diane’s side as she led us through the noisy station. I felt like the stupidest person in the world. Who was I kidding to think I could live in Japan? It felt like I’d dropped off the face of the earth. Was this even the same planet?

I unwrapped the onigiri, taking a cautious bite. The seaweed crinkled like paper and the cold rice stuck to my teeth. Not awful, but strange. Everything was strange.

The Shinkansen was way worse than the NEX. The train sped along at something like a million miles per hour, which is the speed that makes your ears pop and sting like they’re going to fall off.

“Thank god we’re only going an hour out of Tokyo,” I said, and Diane frowned a little.

“Do you want me to get you a drink from the trolley when it comes past? It might help.”

I shook my head, remembering the bitter taste of the green bean tea on the plane. “I’m okay.”

She shrugged and reached into her purse, unwrapping a candy for me.

“Strawberry milk,” she said, pressing it into my hand.

“Strawberry milk? What kind of flavor name is that?” I looked at it suspiciously, but popped it into my mouth anyway. The world turned pink and sweet.

“Good, right?” Diane laughed. “Wait till you try the yuzu ones. You’ll forget lemons ever existed.”

I stared out the window until we pulled into Shizuoka Station.

“Why are the buildings all so short?” I said.

“Earthquakes,” Diane said. “You know, for safety.”

“Oh.”

I followed her, groggy from all the travelling.

“We could walk from here, but with the suitcase we’ll want to catch the bus,” she said.

I gazed at the ground while we waited, pulling my peacoat tighter around me to keep out the chill. We hopped on the yellow-and-green bus from the back door, Diane carrying my bag through the crowd. I could barely look around or even make small talk. I’d seen enough—my tired brain was saturated. After a few stops, Diane shoved some yen in my hand and nudged me forward. The five yen coins had little holes drilled through the middles of them. I tipped the coins into the slot by the driver and stepped out the front door.

Starting at the back of the bus, ending at the front. Life in reverse. Why not? Everything had turned on its head anyway.

Shizuoka had these elaborately painted manhole covers and I stared at them as we walked from the bus to Diane’s apartment.

“Mansion,” she corrected, but I was too tired to ask, just gazed at the chalklike drawings on the sewer covers as my suitcase bumped over them. Mt. Fuji in whites and blues, cherry blossoms in pinks and greens. Some weird temple with a samurai and a yellow sunset behind him.

“Here we are. Welcome home,” Diane smiled.

I looked up. It was a modern-looking building with tiny concrete balconies centered like giant steps up the five floors. The glass doors slid open as we approached the lobby, a giant chandelier hanging from the ceiling and rows of steel boxes stretching the length of the room.

“Mailboxes,” Diane said, walking across the marble floor and toward the elevators.

I’m clueless, I thought. So much for language. I don’t even know the context.

We rode the elevator up to the fourth floor, where a pale green door led into whatever home awaited me. Diane smiled nervously, like even she didn’t know what was in store.

As she opened the door, the burst of cold whisked past me.

“Jeez,” I said, wrapping my arms around myself.

“Sorry,” Diane said, flipping the light switch on as she stepped into the foyer.

“Why’s it so cold in here anyway?” I said, closing the door behind me and clicking it shut.

“No central heating in most of Japan.”

My jaw dropped. “Are you serious?”

“It’s not so bad,” she said. “At least you’re here in February. It’ll get warmer by the day. And you’ll be happy to know the previous owners left their kotatsu table.” She motioned toward the small living room. Beside a tiny crime-against-fashion-purple couch stood the table, encircled by a thick gray blanket. “The table has an electric heater in it,” she said. “So you sit under the futon and get snug. The futon comes off for the summer, of course. Then it’s just a glorified coffee table.”

“Wow,” I said. “All the same, I think I’ll keep my coat on for a bit.”

“Sure,” Diane chuckled. “Want to see your room?”

Yes.

No.

Sleep. I needed sleep. It was all too much. The dull buzzing came back, my blood pulsing, the taste in my mouth sour.

“I’m so tired,” I said.

Diane nodded. “It’s the middle of the night for you,” she said, and she pushed open my door.

Unlike the rest of the house, the room was traditional, the floor woven with tatami mats and an alcove set in the wall displaying some kind of wall scroll and the scrawniest of fake bonsai trees. A Western-style bed had been placed on some special mat and pressed along the side of the alcove, taking up half the space in the tiny room. A cheery pink comforter lay over the bed, with a tiny glass coffee table beside it, low to the ground and covered with the inventory of my new life—an electronic Japanese dictionary, a vase of purple flowers, an intro package from the cram school I’d start attending on Friday and a pair of red-and-white Hello Kitty slippers. A desk had been shoved in the other corner by the window, beside a tiny dresser and bookshelf.

It was small and crowded, but the effort was obvious. And on top of it all, Diane’s only electric heater rested beside the head of the bed.

Diane shifted from foot to foot, looking at the floor.

“Let me get you some towels,” she said, rubbing the back of her head as she went, shy about the effort she’d made with my new room. It was a sweet gesture. It was.

I stared at my new room, but exhaustion was taking over.

This was my new life, no matter what happened.

Face that mountain, Katie. Size it up.

But I wasn’t sure if I could.

Chapter Ten

Tomohiro

The dream started in darkness, like so many of them did. There was no beach, no cloud of shadows chasing. For once I’d wanted to relive that nightmare, to ask my questions about Taira the Demon Son. Not that I would’ve been able to change anything for sure. I usually realized it was a dream too late to do anything useful but wake up.

A faint sense came over me that something wasn’t quite right. It was the fleeting thought that I was dreaming, but I couldn’t be sure. My mind felt sluggish, like it was too much effort to put together the pieces.

At first there was nothing but darkness, an isolation so intense that claustrophobia soon followed. A flicker of blue light lit the crumbling brick walls around me.

Then the whispers started.

God, the whispers. Like a whole bucket of ice cubes tossed down the back of my shirt. Sometimes they swelled into moans, deep and horrible cries of pain, always talking over each other in swells like waves. And the footsteps that clicked like wolf claws on cement. Only they weren’t wolves, I knew. The beasts circled closer and closer, ready to gnaw my flesh off the bone. I shuddered. It was a labyrinth of brick, and I had no way to tell if the demons were really close or not. The fear was sharp, an intense pain I couldn’t ignore.

“You are marked,” said a woman’s voice, and I jumped back against the jagged mortar crumbling on the wall. “You are chosen.”

“Stay away from me,” I said to the darkness as I backed into the corner. But suddenly the hot breath of the woman was in my ear.

“There is only death,” she said, and I stumbled forward. Her plain white kimono was pale in the blue light. She fused into the shadows and vanished.

I heard snarling, scraping. One of the beasts, trying to dig under the wall. He slammed his body against the other side and bits of brick crumbled to the ground. I could see clouds of dust rising where his claws could almost reach under—sharp claws that would rip me to shreds.

“Help me,” I said, terror taking hold. “I don’t want to die.”

“You won’t die,” her voice laughed. “You will kill.”

I opened my mouth, but said nothing.

“Are you afraid of the inugami? You misunderstand. He’s gone mad with fear. He’s trying to get away from you.”

He was scrambling under the wall because he feared me. He didn’t realize I was waiting on the other side to—to what? Kill him?

“No. I’m just—I wouldn’t...” But suddenly I could remember something horrible. The taste of matted fur and bone, the stench of blood.

It’s not real. It can’t be real. I wouldn’t do that, not even to a demon like the inugami. It had to be a lie, a fake memory. I wasn’t a monster. This wasn’t me.

“You don’t know who you are, Tomohiro. We know.”

I shook my head, but the sound of my name chilled me to the core. I didn’t want her to know anything about me.

“You’re lost. You’ve forgotten.”

My hands squeezed into fists as beads of sweat broke out all over my skin. The sweat trickled down my forehead like blood.

“You’re wrong,” I said.

“We are never wrong.”

And then a second voice echoed in the labyrinth. “Yuu-chan?”

My body went cold. Oh god. Myu. She couldn’t be here. She couldn’t.

“Please,” I begged. “Leave her alone.”

“Yuu-chan? I’m scared!”

The scatter of wolf-beasts, footsteps everywhere.

And then another faint voice.

“Tomo-kun!”

“Shiori!” I cried. I raced into the labyrinth, twisting and turning in the dark paths, until suddenly I slammed into a wall in the dim blue light. My body pulsed with sharp pain as I stepped aside, squinting in the darkness. I staggered forward, my hands in front of me. Walls rose up in the shadows, and I crashed again and again as I raced blindly through the maze, my palms scraped raw and stinging.

“Myu!” I shrieked. “Shiori!” The sound of footsteps and claws echoed from everywhere, meaningless without reference. I didn’t know if I’d find the girls or the inugami around the next corner. My body shuddered with fear, with the anticipation of sharp teeth taking hold.

“You are not like those girls,” the woman’s voice said, and suddenly she was in front of me in her pale kimono.

A scream in the distance, muffled by snarls. Oh god.

“Myu!” I shrieked. I ran forward and grabbed the woman’s shoulders, shaking her violently, desperately. “Leave her alone!” I cried. “Please!”

The woman tilted her head, looking at me curiously.

“It is you who is the threat,” she said, and suddenly it wasn’t the woman I was holding at all but Myu, drenched in ink as thick as blood.

“Myu!” I cried, clutching her desperately to myself. Only she pushed away, flailing against my grip, splattering me with ink.

And then the worst sight in her eyes. The worst thing imaginable.

The truth.

Because there was nothing but fear in her eyes when she looked at me. Fear and disgust. To her, I was the same as the monsters. One of them.

“This is what you truly are,” said the woman’s voice, now behind me, and then there was nothing but darkness and the sound of rushing like a black waterfall, engulfing me, flooding my lungs with ink.

I wanted to drown. Let me drown.

And then I gasped for breath, and the ticking of the clock beside me filled the silence.

I waited for a moment, letting myself come back to what was real. My heart thumped against my ribs, my blood coursing in a panic through my limbs.

I couldn’t let it drown me, I knew. But sometimes it was easy to forget.

I knew I would never hurt Myu or Shiori willingly. But I knew the accidents that had come before. The warped, twisted talent I had in me. And I didn’t know what it was capable of.

I swallowed, the bitter taste of sleep lodged in my dry throat.

I knew what I had to do, to protect that horrible truth.

There was no place in my life for Myu. I had tricked myself into thinking it was love when deep down she feared me, maybe even despised me. If she didn’t yet, she would soon. Not answering her texts, spending time with another girl. Yeah, I was leading a second life—one she’d hate me for.

I felt the shame, the anger, the uselessness of it all.

I folded a corner of myself and tucked it neatly away.

The price of being marked.

Chapter Eleven

Katie

Diane practiced the walk through Sunpu Park with me for an entire week before school started and I still managed to get lost on the first morning of classes.

“I decided not to send you to an International school,” she’d told me. “You’ll learn faster if you go to a regular Japanese high school.”

“You’re joking,” I’d said, my mouth agape.

She’d shaken her head. “You have it in you. I know it.”

But apparently I couldn’t even make it to school without help. The paths through Shizuoka Station wound underground and split off into unmarked pathways. I’d been seconds away from asking a frightening Buddhist monk for directions, his face hidden under his giant pointy woven hat, a bell in one hand and a bowl for alms in the other. But then I’d seen a pack of students in the same navy-and-white uniform as mine and followed them sheepishly out of the labyrinth, all the way to the Suntaba School gate.

I searched the numbers in the genkan for the cubby that was supposed to be mine. I pulled on the white school slippers and whirled through the maze of corridors.

Great. Lost again. But at least so were all the other freshmen.

“Can I help you?” a girl said in Japanese. She held a clipboard list, and had a little badge pinned to her chest. But—surprise, surprise—I didn’t know the kanji on the clasp. I’d improved a lot with cram school, both in New York and the one I’d started since I arrived in February, but fluency still lay just beyond my reach.

“Um,” I answered in Japanese. “I’m Katie Greene?”

The girl stared at her list as my cheeks blazed red. It was like some sort of test, except we both knew I was a fraud. My Japanese embarrassed both of us.

“Here we are,” she said. “1-D. Follow me.” I followed.

We passed room after room with narrow windows along the side, until I saw the little white sign that marked the classroom as mine.

“Thanks,” I said and the girl nodded, eager to get away. Funny. I’d thought making friends would be easier than that.

The rows of desks were nearly empty, students gathered in groups discussing the winter break. The homeroom fell silent as I entered.

“Um,” I said. “Hi.” I bobbed my head in a tiny bow. No one said anything. My legs felt like they’d give out, so I sat down at a desk near the back. Still nothing. I could almost hear the crickets.

O-kay. Not the reception I’d expected. It was hard to breathe then, like my chest had constricted. What was I doing here anyway? I’d been wrong—there was no life for me here. This was all a mistake. God, I hoped Nan and Gramps could pull things together quickly so this could be done with.

“Ohayo!” yelled out a girl as she entered the classroom, and the students buzzed with activity again.

“Morning!” they shouted back as she joined the group, and the chatter enveloped the silence.

I unpacked my book bag slowly, trying to look busier than I was. I dropped my pen with a clatter, and a few of the students looked over and giggled, then lowered their voices. Great. Now I was the topic of conversation. I reached down and wrapped my fingers around the pen as it rolled away.

“They’re shy because they think you’re an exchange student,” said a voice, and I looked up from the floor. A girl sat backward on the chair in front of me, her shoulder-length hair pulled up in a messy bun. “And they don’t want to get attached in case we all cry when you leave.”

“Oh,” I said.

“But I heard you’re permanent. Is that true?”

Maybe? No—I couldn’t think like that. I just had to survive until I could go home. This world was too foreign for me. Mom was right to stick to home soil.

“For now,” I said.

The girl raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything. She smiled. “I’m Watabe Yuki,” she said, using her last name first.

“Katie Greene,” I said. “Wait, I mean, Greene Katie? From Albany. Well, New York.”

“You can call me Yuki.” She smiled. “That’s more what you’re used to anyway, right? And I’ll call you Katie. You don’t have to reverse your name. We don’t expect you to.”

“Okay,” I said. She spoke slowly, making sure I understood her.

“Suzuki-sensei asked me to help you get settled into class,” she said, and my heart fell. So she was only being nice because she had to be. But then she waved a hand back and forth.

“Chigau yo,” she backtracked. “I didn’t mean it like that.” She switched to English. “Someday I want to be a famous designer and live in New York. So let’s be good friends, okay? Then I can speak English better and we can help each other.”

She spoke well already, but I nodded as she grinned.

“Ohayo!” yelled a boy as he entered the room. Yuki turned her head and then pushed herself upright, the chair legs squeaking against the floor.

“Tan-kun!”

“Ohhhh, Yuki-chan!” Tan-kun shouted, striding toward her. He pushed his black-rimmed glasses up with the back of his hand as he approached. His hair stuck up in short, spiky angles, and he was tall and skinny, his smile broad and confident. “So you’re in this homeroom, too? Yokatta ne! Thank god. I feel so shy on my first day!”

Somehow I doubted that was true. It was hard to follow all the slang they used, but I was pleased to understand fragments at least. They chatted and laughed for a minute before Yuki remembered my existence.

“This is Tanaka Ichirou,” she said, waving her hand up and down like he was a prize on a daytime TV show.

“Hi Tan-kun,” I said, and they exchanged a worried glance.

“Um,” Yuki said quietly, leaning toward my ear. “You don’t really know each other yet. Maybe ‘Tanaka’ for now, okay? It’s more polite.”

My face blazed red and the humiliation stung. “Oh god. I’m so sorry.”

“Heiki, heiki,” Tanaka smiled. “No problem.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll help you.” Yuki grinned. “And Tan-kun, this is Katie Greene from New York.”

“Oh!” he said, waving a hand in the air. “New York? Like with the Statue of Liberty and Central Park and everything?”

“Uh, not exactly. I’m just from the state—from Albany.”

“Ah.” His face fell.

Wow. Ten minutes in and I’m a disappointment already.

“Tanaka and I went to the same junior high,” Yuki said. “We took the entrance exam for this senior high school together.”

“And of course I scored higher.” He grinned.

Yuki smacked his arm. “You did not!”

“Jealous!”

They flailed at each other as I sat awkwardly watching them. Yuki was sweet, but Tanaka was so loud. He spoke rapidly with a lot of slang, and I found him harder to understand than Yuki. I hoped Diane was right about the learning curve, because I needed fluency to kick in right...now.

Damn. Nothing.

A chime trilled in the speaker above us, and a moment later Suzuki-sensei walked in. Everyone scurried to their desks, the room falling silent.

“Good morning,” he barked. “Welcome to Suntaba. I’m your homeroom teacher, Suzuki Kentaro.” He turned his back to us and scrawled the kanji for his name on the board. I grabbed my pen and scribbled the name in the corner of my notebook so I wouldn’t forget the kanji. “I also teach math, so we’ll be together for that class. Let’s do our best this year, and I hope that you will all work your hardest to get the most out of your time here.” He bowed stiffly, and the students rose to follow suit. I rushed to finish copying the last kanji of his name and stood just in time for the last half of the bow, so I bobbed down as they stood up. “Time for the welcome ceremony,” he added, “so if you want to just leave your bags here, we’ll get going.”

Yuki nodded at me and I tried to smile, but every cell in my body ached with nervousness.

This was it. My new life was beginning.

Chapter Twelve

Tomohiro

The winter break faded quietly away as part of me died. The nightmares ebbed, like the tide of fear had gone out. I didn’t want to be alone again, but it was stupid of me to let things with Myu go on as long as they had.

I breathed in the fresh spring air. The pink blooms of sakura were late this year and Sunpu Park stood bare, not even any buds on the cherry trees. Everything was dead, as if I’d killed it.

I coasted my bike through the courtyard and leaped off just before the tire crashed into the racks. In the genkan, I kicked off my shoes and reached for my slippers. My last year at Suntaba, the last year before I could vanish.

I reached into my bag and placed my black notebook on top of my shoes. I wouldn’t need it until later anyway, when I left for cram school.

Right. I don’t know why I lied to myself, but it was better than facing the truth of what I was doing.

“Be good,” I said quietly, rubbing the corner of the book with two fingers.

I walked to homeroom squeezing between students greeting each other. I couldn’t shake the anxiety inside me. Myu had texted almost every day during break. I’d never written back.

It had been a nice dream, but it was time to move on. There was nothing for me, only death.

Except protecting Shiori. That was something I still clung to. I couldn’t cut her off as easily. She needed me, and I needed her.

When I reached my new homeroom, 3-C, I sighed with relief that Myu wasn’t in it. Seemed like Tanaka Keiko had been moved as well.

“Oi, Yuuto!” called Sato from his desk. A ring of students clustered around him. Weird, because he was usually alone like me.

“Why the board meeting?” I asked as Sato smirked.

“New girl in school,” said one of the guys.

“News flash,” I said, collapsing into the desk behind Sato’s. “There’s a whole freshman year of new girls.”

Sato grinned. “Not like that. It’s a foreigner. An American.”

I looked up, tucking my bangs behind my ears. “American? Like an exchange student?”

One of the guys shook his head. “I hear she’s permanent.”

“At Suntaba?” We had the occasional exchange student but never anyone long-term.

“Now you’ve got him riled up,” Sato laughed. “I bet you have a thing for foreign girls, Yuuto. Poor Myu will have to share.” I smirked. He had no idea how far apart Myu and I had drifted. She didn’t belong in my world anymore. She never had.

“She’s probably Japanese-American,” I said. “Parents moving back or something.”

But Sato shook his head. “We saw her in the hallway this morning,” he said, running a hand through his bright white hair. He must have re-bleached it over the holidays; I didn’t remember it being so blinding. “She’s blonder than me.”

“Well you better give her your keitai number before someone else does,” I said.

“Please. Some of us have lives that don’t involve turning down half the school’s population, Yuuto.”

“Shut up, Sato.” I didn’t want reminders of that now. Once Myu and I broke up, the confessions might start coming again, and the attention that I didn’t want...

But what could I do? I couldn’t go back.

“So give up on the ladies for a while and focus on kendo, yeah? You know Takahashi’s going to be in the ward tournament and he’ll be tough.”

“Yeah, ’cause you’re a model kendouka,” I grinned. “Your shinai binding still unraveling?”

“Screw you,” Sato laughed.

When the bell chimed, we filed into the auditorium for the annual welcome ceremony. After three years it was getting old, so I spent most of it trying not to nod off—I’d been up early putting together my own bentou lunch. No way was Myu going to cook for me now, but I didn’t care. My own imperfect sweet egg was good enough, a splash of cold water in the face that I sorely needed.

The headmaster went on and on—welcoming the new students, greeting the old. The introduction of a new math teacher, the induction of the freshman class.

And then I saw her when we stood to sing the school anthem, a bob of blond hair tied back in a ponytail amidst a sea of black and brown dye jobs. The American girl. Sato noticed too when my singing died in my throat. He jabbed an elbow in my side as I stared.

I couldn’t help it. It wasn’t that she was pretty, although she was that too, all curves and uncertainty as she tucked her hair behind her ears with delicate fingers. And it wasn’t even the stupid pull I felt toward her, like a spark buzzing through me and pissing me off. I didn’t want to be that stupid beast falling for a beauty, especially while I was still dating someone else. Especially when I had just resolved to stay the hell away from relationships.

I couldn’t stop staring because it was her, the girl from my nightmares. The one holding the mirror on the shores of Itsukushima, the one in the pale kimono.

Her hair wasn’t black, and her features were different. She was American, blond, but there was an unmistakable feeling that I’d seen her before. Sometimes faces aren’t quite right in dreams, but this time it wasn’t quite right while awake. There was a connection, but I didn’t understand.

What the hell was going on?

“I knew it,” Sato mumbled. “God, you are so screwed.”

I dropped my eyes as the last verse of the school anthem sounded around us.

“Whatever,” I said, joining back in with the song. He thought it was a stupid crush. If only it was that trivial.

And then the floor trembled, the notes of the song pulled from my lungs as I lurched forward. It was just a tremor, but it had caught me off guard. Sato stared at me, his head tilted to one side.

“Aren’t you overreacting?” he said as the ground shuddered beneath us. “It’s just a tiny earthquake.”

But I felt off balance as the world shook. I had that same sense of dread that always hit just before the nightmares materialized. The shadows clawed at the seams of me, ready to rip right through. I clenched my fists, willed myself to calm down. The tremor stopped.

The headmaster sighed with relief. “I think we shook the very earth with our singing,” he chuckled before introducing the next teacher.

Just a tremor. But why did it feel so personal?

I stared at the blond girl in the row below our balcony.

Why did it feel like my world had shifted?

Chapter Thirteen

Katie

The classes poured into the auditorium from all sides, new students and senior classes. High school in Japan was split into junior and senior schools, so our school had students for the three highest levels—grade ten, eleven, and twelve. We all wore the same uniforms, row after row of matching outfits. For the girls, navy skirts and white blouses with red handkerchiefs tied around our necks, the boys in navy pants and dress shirts with ties. The ceiling lights glared off the gold buttons on our matching navy blazers adorned with the school crest. Like some sort of march of the penguins, I smirked. All the same—except me, of course. I was the only blond American girl. The only one whose name was on the list spelled with katakana, the alphabet used for foreign words, instead of kanji.

The headmaster of the school started a welcome speech, but I tuned out, fiddling with the long ends of my necktie and tucking the loose strands from my ponytail behind my ears.

Like Diane when I’d first seen her at the airport, I was the piece cut from the wrong puzzle. I felt stupid standing here. Sure, Diane had shown the school my marks pre-Mom-crisis and gone through interviews to get me into the school, but I wasn’t like Yuki and Tanaka. I hadn’t done an entrance exam to get in.

I didn’t belong here.

We stood to sing the school anthem, the words on an overhead for the freshmen’s benefit. The students around me sounded like some sort of heavenly choir—was singing a requirement for entry, too? I faltered as I sang, feeling the eyes of the auditorium on me. I knew I was being watched, like the attention had lit me on fire.

My blood pulsed, and I snapped my head forward. It did feel like I was on fire. The turbulence and the heat from the plane had returned, the ground dipping below me.

No, I was imagining things. That was impossible—I must have drifted off, dreaming. No one else seemed to notice the ground shifting.

But then it shook again in time with my heartbeat.

The headmaster stopped singing. Others started looking around.

And then everything was still, and he let out a sigh. With a smile, he waved away what had happened and invited the new math teacher to speak while everyone applauded.

“What was that?” I whispered into Yuki’s ear. She leaned toward me.

“Just a tiny earthquake,” she said. “What’s it called in English—a tremor? Nothing to worry about.”

But it had shaken in rhythm with my pulse. That was definitely something to worry about.

I looked around the room, staring at the sea of uniforms and black hair—mostly. The auditorium was peppered with students who’d dyed their hair blond or brown. One girl had pink highlights that had nearly grown out. I even saw a shock of white hair in the balcony, and beside it copper. But none of them looked concerned about the earthquake, so maybe I was overreacting.

The speeches finished and the balcony of third-years filed out first, followed by the second-year students. When it was finally our turn, we strode up the aisle to the exit doors. The line slowed to almost a stop.

“What’s the hold-up?” I wondered aloud.

Yuki smiled. “Look!” she said. On either side of the door, students stood with armfuls of white flowers. Volunteers beside them plucked the blooms one at a time from the bunch and handed them to the freshmen as they passed. “Carnations. They’re so pretty!”

“Yeah,” I said. It was definitely something that wouldn’t happen at my school in Albany.

I stepped forward, my turn to receive a bloom. A third-year senior reached for the bouquet her classmate held and slid out a long stalk. Her glittery pink and silver fingernails wrapped around the stem as she passed it to me.

“Welcome to Suntaba,” she said. Her eyes looked puffy, like she hadn’t slept in a week.

“Thanks,” I said. I took the flower from her hands as she sighed, turning to take another bloom for Yuki.

“What’s her problem?” Yuki whispered as we headed down the hallway. “Like she was at a funeral or something.”

Tanaka grinned. “Yeah, yours if she hears you! Don’t you know who she is? Good thing my sister taught me the social ladder at this school because for once, Yuki-chan, you’re clueless!” He grabbed her flower and took off running.

“Hey!” she shouted, racing after him.

“No running in the halls!” snapped Suzuki-sensei, stopping them both in their tracks. I couldn’t help it—a giggle escaped my lips as Yuki and Tanaka made their way back, sticking their tongues out at each other.

Some things so very different, and others so much the same.

Maybe I’d be all right after all. Maybe there was a life for me here.

Mom, I know you’re here with me. And I’m going to take this mountain one step at a time.

My heart pulsed like the earthquake, like the turbulence on the plane. I looked at the bloom in my hand, brushed my fingers over the soft petals. I lifted the flower to my nose and breathed in the sweetness, feeling like I’d been dreaming all this time.

Feeling like I was about to wake up.

Epilogue

One Last Dream

The shadows chased me as I raced along the shore, my sandals sinking into the sand. I stumbled out of one, then the other, the curl of a smoky claw scraping against the backs of my legs. The tide lapped against the bare soles of my feet, the spray of salt water burning like a demon’s tongue.

In the distance, the Torii rose like a great yawning mouth to swallow me whole.

I burst through, the shadows slamming against the gateway with flashes of golden lightning. Dust glittered downward and peppered the beach with volcanic ash.

“Why do you run from yourself?” said a familiar voice, and I twisted toward her in the sand. The girl, standing in her golden kimono, held a mirror the size of a shield.

Blond hair spilled over her shoulders and splayed over the silver-embroidered phoenixes on her sleeves.

“Who are you?” I said.

“You must bear the marks, Taira no Kiyomori,” she said.

“I’m not Taira. And I saw you. In my school.”

“It is what it means to be one of us.”

“Answer me,” I said. “Why were you at my school?”

She paused a moment, as she decided whether she’d tell me. “We are not the same.”

“But she looks like you somehow. Why?”

“Because the time is at hand,” she said. “Because she has a part to play. But there is only death ahead.”

“You’re wrong,” I said. “You’re wrong about me. And I think you’re wrong about her.”

She pressed her lips together in a thin, grim line. And then she turned her shield with both hands, the sound of it grinding into the sand filling my ears.

It was me in the reflection, but different somehow. A darkness in the eyes, hollow and sleep deprived. Monstrous, alien pupils, scars bleeding ink down my wrists. I looked cold, uninterested. Somehow less than human.

This was the part where I would wake up, where Taira would see me and panic. But this time I was me, not Taira. I saw myself, and I was frightened.

I reached for the sword at my side, shouting and leaping forward as I swung.

I watched myself splinter into a thousand pieces as shards of glass sprayed across the sand. They cut into my bare feet as I dropped the broken sword with a thud.

The base of the mirror stood empty in her hands. No reflection, nothing but a frame of tarnished brass.

“I will fight until the end,” I said, heaving breath into my burning lungs.

She pulled her lips into a tight smile.

“And you will fail,” she said.

I woke to the sound of my clock ticking in the darkness. I woke to shadow, and silence, and the uncertainty of what was to come.

* * * * *

Glossary of Japanese Words and Phrases

Chan: Suffix used for female friends or those younger than the speaker

Chigau yo: “It’s not like that” or “No.” Literally, “It’s different”

Deshou: “Right?” Used to look for agreement when the speaker isn’t sure what’s being said is accurate

Furoshiki: A cloth traditionally used to wrap lunch boxes or other goods

Genkan: The foyer or entrance of a Japanese building. Usually the floor of the genkan is lower than the rest of the building to keep shoes and outside things separate from the clean raised floor inside.

Hai: “Yes.” Also used as a filler word to show that one is listening to the speaker

Heiki: “It’s fine” or “I’m not concerned”

Ii yo: “Sure”

Inugami: A dog demon from Shinto tradition. Known for their uncontrollable wrath and murderous instincts

Ittekuru: Tough guy slang for Ittekimasu, “I’m leaving (and coming back).” Said when leaving the home

Itterasshai: “Go (and come back safely).” Said when someone is leaving the home

Kaasan: Tough guy slang for Okaasan, “Mom”

Kagura: An ancient style of theatrical dance

Keitai: Cell phone

Kendouka: A kendo participant

Kotatsu: A heated table used in Japanese homes in the winter.

Mou: As used in SHADOW, depicts annoyance at the situation. “Jeez!”

Nani: “What?”

Ne: “Isnt it?” It can also be used as “Hey!” to get someone’s attention (like “Ne, Tanaka”)

Ohayo: “Good morning”

Oi: “Hey”

Onigiri: Rice balls

Sakura: The cherry blossoms

Sa-me zo: Tough guy slang for Samui yo, “It’s cold”

Shabu shabu: Japanese hot pot, a popular meal. Raw vegetables, meat and fish are cooked in a shared pot of boiling broth on the table and then dipped in various sauces before eating

Shinai: A sword made of bamboo slats tied together, used for kendo

Shinkansen: The bullet train

Suki: “I like you” or “I love you,” often used when confessing feelings for the first time

Tatami: Traditional mat flooring made of woven straw

Torii: Shinto entrance monument to a shrine. The O-Torii is the famous orange gate in front of Itsukushima Shrine

Tousan: Tough guy slang for Otousan, “Dad”

Tsuki: A kendo hit to the throat

Urusai: “Shut up!” Literally, “it’s noisy”

Yokatta: “Thank god”

Yuzu: A citrus fruit popular in Japanese sauces, drinks and dishes

About the Author

Amanda Sun was born in Deep River, Ontario, a small town where she could escape into the surrounding forest to read. She is an archaeologist by training, but her intense fear of spiders keeps her indoors, where she writes novels instead. She will write your name in Egyptian hieroglyphic if you ask, though. The Paper Gods is inspired by her time living in Osaka and traveling throughout Japan. She currently lives in Toronto, where she keeps busy knitting companion cubes, gaming and sewing costumes for anime conventions. Ink is her first novel. Visit her on the web at www.AmandaSunBooks.com and on Twitter at @Amanda_Sun.

Content

Shadow
Paper Gods 0.5
by
Amanda Sun

Prologue

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Epilogue

Glossary of Japanese Words and Phrases

About the Author