Crashing Back Down

Crashing - 1

by

Kristen Hope Mazzola

Prologue

Excitement started to form butterflies in my stomach while Cali and I giggled in her bathroom, getting our makeup just right for our first adventure into the new world of college Greek life. We had met only a few weeks back during sorority rush, and became instant friends. We could not have asked for more; being pledges for the same sorority and starting to dive right into a ‘real’ college experience. It was the first night of fraternity rush and some of our older sisters invited us to join in the festivities at one of the fraternity houses on campus. It was a really big deal, and we were bubbling over with giddiness.

When we were finally walking up the dampened front lawn of the frat house, I grabbed Cali’s arm, completely in awe of the sea of ravishing men we were wading through. She pointed out an especially good-looking guy wearing his letters across his noticeably chiseled chest. He was tan, tall, and had tattoos poking out from under his sleeves. I bit my bottom lip and salivated with Cali as we followed the hottie into the foyer.

There were tons of guys and girls, all grouped off, trying to convince potential new members that being Greek was amazing and that this was the fraternity for them. It did not take too long for a handsome brother to stride up to us, and to our surprise, the guy I was mentally undressing before stood next to him. I found out that the hottie’s name was Walker, but my attention was quickly diverted to his friend, Randy. There was just something about him that stunned me.

We chatted and flirted with them throughout the night, while meeting other potentials who were not so favorable. Apparently, during fraternity rush, they had a few guys doing "trash duty,” meaning any guy who over stayed his welcome was kindly escorted out by the trash handlers. It was a pretty fun role that Randy and Walker let us participate in. We drank, chuckled, and toyed. Cali and I played with our hair, laughed at every joke and batted our eyelashes perfectly.

A pimply-faced freshman puffed on his inhaler while talking to Randy, and Cali grabbed my arm. “Come with me to the bathroom.” I nodded and asked Walker where it was.

His lips curled seductively as he put his hand on the small of my back, pointing in the direction of the girls' room. “Don’t worry, we cleaned it this morning.” His southern drawl curled around the words, making him that much more attractive as he winked and gave another sexy smile. We both fawned over his seductive tone as we weaved through the crowd to the bathroom.

Luckily, the oversized bathroom that smelled like piss and Lemon Pledge was empty. Cali undid her shorts and plopped on the toilet while I checked my mascara in the mirror.

“Those two are freaking hot as hell, Mags!” Cali’s voice was full of excitement mixed with lust.

I touched up my makeup, trying to talk without messing up the liquid eyeliner. “The girls were right. There are men for the picking.” I finished, and turned to Cali, who was zipping up her tight black shorts. “Which one do you want?”

Her eyes went wide at my words, “Randy is all over you; obviously he’s yours! Besides, Walker has a bad boy southern edge I’d love to jump on!”

I nodded, feeling my cheeks blush with anticipation and lust as I grabbed Cali’s hand again to lead her back to find our evening’s prospects.

I was thankful the pimply-faced guy had already been booted by the time we returned.

Randy’s eyes lit up a little when he noticed us walking toward him. He slid his arm around my waist and hugged me close to him as he handed me a fresh beer. “Having fun?” His silky, deep voice tingled in my ear while he whispered, sending goosebumps down my neck and arms.

Trying to be as sexy as I could, not really being the best flirt and so nervous to come off as an awkward freshman, I licked the top of the bottle a little, before taking a long swig, and then nodded. “Yeah, tonight’s been great!”

Randy hugged me close again, a smile dangling on the corners of his mouth. Faintly a hint of red dusted over the back of his neck.  Seeing the slight red creep over Randy’s skin made longing surge through my body. Right then I knew I was in deep water already.

Toward the end of the night, another one of the brothers came over to introduce a brand new pledge to Walker, claiming that he was his perfect match for a little brother. The five of us all got along like we had known each other for years. The conversation flowed easily between all of us, and we stayed together, laughing and joking for the rest of the evening. Mitch Katz was a freshman, just like Cali and me, and pretty outgoing. When he went to shake Randy’s hand, I noticed a sleeve inked into Mitch’s arm. Could these guys get any hotter?

Starting to slur his words making his southern accent that much thicker, Walker leaned over to put his arm around Randy’s shoulder. “What do you say we all get the heck outta here?” He had a devilish grin on his face as he winked at Cali, making both of us blush.

The rest of us agreed and made our way to the parking lot. Randy grabbed my hand once we made it out the door, leading me to his truck. “Race ya home, Walker!”

1

My college years were a blur of studying and partying. The only thing I can say held any significance was meeting Randy, the fraternity guy with the great smile. Meeting him lifted me off the ground in an instant. And just as quickly, I crashed back down to earth the day I found out he hadn't held up his end of the bargain. I never realized “until death” would come before kids and old age for us.

I always knew his choice to join the military would be difficult for me. When his unit was called, Randall McManus was whisked away from me only two short months after our vows were said. He took so much pride in his status as a paratrooper that I knew he was meant for greatness. His head was held a little higher after he enlisted two days after he graduated from college.

For what felt like forever after Randy died, I was not awake. I simply went through the bare, basic motions of life. Friends and family would stop by to make sure I was taking care of myself from time to time. My mom did most of my grocery shopping, and even got so fed up with my lack of cleanliness that she broke down and hired a maid. Work continued to be the only venture into normalcy I could stomach. Most people stopped calling, texting or stopping by. It’s sad to say, but I was happier being left alone. I couldn’t handle being bothered, constantly reminded of my ‘sad situation’ and a continuing source of pity.

Walker was my most frequent visitor, pretty much like clockwork. Every Sunday at noon, I expected to see his bright green eyes light up when I opened my door. He was going through his own process of grief and loss. I think he needed the company as much as I did.

Walker Eastman was Randy's right hand man ever since they pledged their fraternity. He was even overseas with Randy when the military-deemed-accident had happened.  There were some faulty cables that snapped when the parachute tried to open. Needless to say, there was no condolence letter good enough from the military to cool my anger and sorrow. All of us came hurtling down to earth that day. Walker was the only one who never said the wrong thing, or pressured me into talking. I welcomed his company warmly, to my surprise. Mostly we just sat, drank coffee and watched TV; simple yet perfect.

When I finally coaxed my eyes to open, I read eleven-thirty on my alarm clock and sighed, looking at all of the pamphlets from all of the different organizations supposed to help me with my grief.  I rolled my eyes and shoved them out of my mind, allowing myself to ignore them for a little bit longer. Knowing Walker would be showing up sooner than I wanted, I fought through my down comforter to find my phone. Maybe he won't mind missing one visit. I really was not in the mood for cheering up that morning.

Once my phone was finally in my hand, I fumbled through my contacts, clicking on his name. Before I could even rethink the call, Walker was on the other end declining my suggestion for a rain check. Right as I started to protest, I heard my front door slam shut. He hung up as he entered my room, his brawny arms carrying a box of donuts and coffee. I couldn't help but smile, a little relieved Walker was just as stubborn as I was.

I felt like it was the first time I’d truly opened my eyes in weeks and to my horror, I realized how disheveled I looked, and how messy my room was. My baby blue carpet was almost entirely hidden under dirty clothes. My makeup lined up on top of the dresser was a huge mess and I hadn’t even made it out of my bed yet. I was wrapped up in the covers with all the pillows thrown on the floor. Randy always made fun of me for being a ‘pillow tosser’ in my sleep. I wasn’t even allowed to have beverages on my nightstand for fear of knocking them off in the middle of the night.

I cringed with shame from the mess and my wretched appearance, "Walker, I'm not even dressed. I'm sure I look like hell!” I shrieked, diving back under my blanket. I was in one of Randy’s old Army shirts, and basketball shorts, makeup still on from the night before and smudged all over my eyes. My dark-brown hair must have looked like a lion’s mane, a tangled mess. I felt it, half-matted to the side of my face.

I could hear Walker’s deep southern drawl through the comforter, "Come on Mags, I've seen you at your worst. Trust me, you look like an angel compared to a few months ago."

The time Walker referred to were our darkest hours that we were just starting to break away from. The few months prior were riddled with sleepless nights and bedridden days; we were both walking dead. During that terrible stint, we spent a lot of time holding onto each other for dear life, like it was the only thing keeping our world from shattering around us.

He climbed onto the foot of my king-sized bed, handed me my black coffee and set out the food carefully. "How about breakfast in bed and a movie?" He pulled Almost Famous out of his jacket pocket and tossed me a smirk. The smell of the bitter coffee made my mood lift a little, and I peeked out from under my blankets. There is no way I can turn down that smile, my favorite movie, and breakfast bribery.

"How could I say no to an offer like that?" I jumped out of my bed, tousled my hair a little, attempting to tame it slightly, and put all of the pillows back onto the bed while Walker started the movie and threw his black leather jacket onto the floor.

We climbed under the covers, cuddling down to have an awesome breakfast with good company. Walker’s shoulder cradled my head as I slurped coffee from the plastic lid, and let my eyes wander over his muscular, tattooed arms. I had been with him and Randy for almost every one of their ink sessions. I could only imagine the swallows on Walker’s chiseled chest that he gotten about a month after we met. He was handsome, tall and had an erotic stare that could make any girl wet within seconds. I never knew why he just jumped around from girl to girl, not even able to define monogamy. Randy always said being promiscuous was just in Walker’s nature, and I never questioned it further.

It was comforting to have someone fill the other side of the bed. We watched the movie, reciting every line, and munched away on the glazed treats. When the credits started to roll, Walker pulled me to him tighter; he could always tell when the tears were about to start. I breathed in his mix of salty tears and men's cologne, a smell that had become a little too comforting to me recently. We lay silently while the credits played out, the movie soundtrack hushed in the background of our embrace.

When the room went silent, I buried my face into Walker’s chest a little harder, "You'll never know how much it means to me that you come here every week," I choked, unable to contain my emotions any longer. His thumb battled the tears cascading down my exposed cheek.

Walker’s big green eyes were soft, a look rarely seen from the hard-ass-country-boy. Knowing that made his kind face and words mean so much more to me. "I'll never miss our Sunday tradition. It's the best part of my week. You still don't know how much it helps me too."

The sincerity of his words spread over Walker’s face, and again, he stunned me. His chiseled jaw line, jet black hair, and olive skin made his light eyes stand out, and when he was vulnerable to emotion, it made everything that much more handsome.

I knew our time was going to get cut short because of my Father-in-law, Jim’s, birthday party that evening.  Walker had promised Liz, my mother-in-law, that he would help her with the planning and getting everything prepared, but I was not ready for Walker to pull away as quickly as he did. Breaking our lingering stare, Walker looked over to my clock on my nightstand. "Mags, I got to head out. Liz needs me to pick the cake up for Jim's party tonight …”

Trailing off, I watched his eyes scan over the pamphlets scattered next to my clock.  Picking a few up, he turned to me with concern and frustration spreading like wild fire across his face, his green eyes darkening and his jaw flexing, burning away the loving glare I was enjoying so much. “Mags.” He sighed and shook his head for a moment. “You promised.”

I gaped at him, taking the pamphlets out of his hand.  I looked down at a few terrible titles like, ‘How to Cope with the Loss of a Spouse’ and ‘It’s Okay to Grieve,’ suddenly feeling like I was going to lose my breakfast. I took the lot of them and shoved them away in the drawer of my nightstand. “Yeah, I know … but I just want to do this on my own. Don’t worry, I set up an appointment with someone.” I faked a smile, and it seemed like enough of an answer for Walker.

He stood up and stretched. “Alright, as long as you’re taking care of yourself, I’m happy. See you tonight?”

Trying to push away my frustration, I let my mind wander back to our relaxing morning. "Tell Liz I'll be there at eight, unless she needs help with anything."

"Okay, I'll let her know." And with a quick kiss to my forehead, he was out the door. I hated watching anyone walk away from me. Being alive was hard enough, but alone, it was almost unbearable. As Walker shut my front door, I curled up in a ball on my bed and let hot tears pour again from my aching eyes. The thought of having to spend time with a large group of people that night was almost too overwhelming. I longed to run away and hide from life for the rest of the day. It was a terrible coping mechanism I had developed, but it was effective. I cried harder when I figured there was no escape from our plans, and buried my face deep into my pillow.

Randy grew up down the street from where we ended up purchasing our home. He always said family needed to be close for when our kids were growing up. Now, silently I thanked him for forcing me into this house five minutes from the in-laws, because I needed them as a different type of support system than expected. The City of Orlando had really turned into home for me. My heart died there, and I was determined to revive it there eventually. It was what Randy would have wanted. He would have been so happy to know my mom moved here to help take care of me, and that Walker had stayed, too. "A support system is important, Mags. It doesn’t always have to be you against the world, ya know."

My phone buzzed in my hand, bringing me back from my pity party and daydreams of my husband. I looked down to find a message from my mother-in-law, Liz:

Don't worry; Walker and I are taking care of everything. See you at eight.

I sighed, rubbed my eyes and dragged myself out of bed. The clock said six, and even though I could walk to their house, I figured I need the extra time to start putting effort in my appearance since it had been so long since I cared what I looked like. I made my way into the bathroom and let the water start to get boiling hot while I sat on the toilet, waiting.

My mind tripped back to my amazing in-laws, and how important they had become to me, especially with the terrible situation we found ourselves in. Liz and Jim McManus had been more than just in-laws to me ever since Randy and I first started dating, and I owed it to them to put on a brave face. Even though they lost their son, they had been instrumental in bringing me through my grief that I worried they didn’t get the chance they deserved to grieve themselves. The shame made it difficult to even look into their eyes most of the time. It was unbearable to walk around with all the different forms of guilt inside me. I knew I had to get better for everyone’s sake. Today can be the beginning of a brand new start.

As I got into the shower I could hear Randy's voice. "I married one hell of a woman, you know that, baby?" I smirked as I massaged shampoo into my scalp. Those are the memories I never got used to being reminded of. All of the little things he would to do to make sure I knew he loved me, that he belonged to me. I wished I had told him more how much they meant, how much he meant to me. I miss you so much it hurts. The hot water rushed over my pink skin, while steam floated out over the curtain. I stood, holding myself, letting the water run over my body for a few moments, before mustering up the courage to step onto the cold tile floor.

Without even drying myself, I tossed my hair up in one towel and then wrapped another around my dripping body. Looking in the mirror over my sink, I was disgusted at the black, puffy circles around my eyes, and how hollow my cheek bones were.

Skulking back into my room, shuffling my feet along my fluffy carpet, I grabbed my makeup and turned on my flat iron. I sat cross-legged on the floor in front of the closet door mirror and began to apply eyeliner. This had become a habit from the first time I slept over at Randy's room in the fraternity house. I would always take my shower first, and while I got ready, Randy would wash up. The only place for me to be able to do my primping was on his floor, sitting Indian-style in front of a full-length mirror propped up against the wall Randy bought for me after I complained about not being able to do makeup in a fogged-up mirror.

Once my eyes were just the perfect blend of smoky gray and black, my natural curls burned into submission, I took one last look at myself in the mirror, again disgusted with my appearance. I still felt like an empty shell. It was terrible to see on my face. The lack of sleep, improper nutrition and guilt had started to take a noticeable toll. I grabbed my blush and bronzer, blending my cheeks more to hide my uncharacteristically pale skin. One last look in the mirror, I closed my makeup kit. This is going to have to do; makeup can only hide so much.

I rummaged through my closet, trying to find something to wear. All the way in the back, I found a dress that still had the tags on it from right after Randy got deployed. I had a lot of free time back then, and usually filled the void with shopping with Cali, mostly for things I had yet to wear. I yanked the dress off the hanger, slipped it over my head and pulled on a pair of wedges. Good enough.

I sighed and trudged down the stairs to the freezer, taking my black-labeled savior out of his icy home. I was going to need all the help possible to put on a brave, put-together face, and whiskey was my known choice for liquid courage. Here goes nothing. I took one big, deep breath and headed out my front door.

2

When my feet planted on the McManus’ front porch, a rush of warmth folded over me, almost like putting on a comfortable sweater. I always loved my in-laws, and I was truly happy I made the effort to come. Jim was hitting the big six-zero. The number had never fazed him; as he would put it, “you’re only as old as you feel.” His optimism was something I always admired, but his best feature was his laugh. He was always cracking jokes, even making himself roll on the floor from time to time. Jim had one of the best booming, barreling hoots I ever heard. He was known to cry, kick his feet up and cry hysterically during some of his fits. He was a big, burly man with a laugh that matched him pound for pound, bellowing through the huge smile he always wore.

I couldn’t even see Jim for a while, not after everything that happened. Looking into those deep brown eyes, seeing that big grin; even through all of it, the suffering, the grieving, Jim still smiled. I figured that was his way of holding onto the last few precious memories he had with his son. They were best friends, and had identical laughs, eye, and mouth.

As Liz opened the front door, I became wrapped into the warm embrace of lilac melted in orange cleaner. I hugged her soft body to me, telling her how beautifully her new bouncy bob hair cut complimented her face. Holding her was like taking in a breath of fresh air, her loving arms washed away my nerves for a moment. Her round eyes and pink cheeks perked up as she pulled away just enough to look into my face. “Margret, you look stunning!” She beamed, making me twirl around once for her. “It’s so nice to see you out of sweats.”

I smiled at the accolade, looking down at my sea-foam sundress and cork wedges, “I needed to start acting and dressing the way Randy would have wanted. He was always so happy. We should be celebrating the fact that we were lucky enough to have him.” The foreign words choked out from the back of my throat. Luckily, Liz didn’t seem to notice how forced they were. I didn’t like talking that way, it wasn’t in my nature, but Liz ate shit like that up, and it was amazing to see her this happy because of my words.

Before she formed a response, another pair of warm, familiar arms curled around my shoulders from behind, making my face light up like a little kid seeing Santa at the mall. I spun around and for a split second, I felt like I was looking into Randy’s eyes again. “Hi Papa Bear!” I threw my arms around his wide neck to whisper, “Happy birthday you old fart!” right in Jim’s ear. I couldn’t help but giggle as Jim beamed down at me, chuckling, his cheeks already turning rosy from the whiskey lingering on his breath.

“Mags, I am so glad you came,” his voice was joyous, and his arm was still round my waist. “Look at you! This is the Mags I know and love! Happiness looks great on you.” He released me, only to fill my hand with a beer, which had been waiting on the side table. I let the amber liquid flow down my throat, praying for a little liquid courage to keep my spirits up. I loved being with my in-laws, but the way that they acted so well-adjusted freaked me out. A lot. Hopefully, the beer will start to kick in soon.

I looked around the room at all of the familiar faces, most of which I hadn’t seen since the funeral, and before that, our wedding. The whole McManus clan was here, mingling with Jim’s work friends and some of Randy’s fraternity buddies. Since Randy lived so close to where we went to school, Liz and Jim became the second parents to any college kid looking for a hot meal, especially Walker. Even after so many years, they all knew where to come for good food, drinks and company.

The chatter from the living room was almost deafening. Randy and I were married right in the backyard, under an awning that Jim, Walker and Randy built together. Their backyard was tight, but it felt so cozy with all of our loved ones around. I could not have imagined a more perfect day.

I couldn’t believe it had only been a little over a year since I held so much happiness. Now I was an empty shell, and seeing everyone washed all the bittersweet memories over me again. The feelings warmed my heart and burnt my eyes all at the same time, as the memory of Randy’s funeral hit me like a ton of bricks smacking me in the face. Grieving, screaming, laughing, and crying; it was shocking how flashbacks would take over like that, throwing me for a loop. One moment remembering moments of pure bliss and the next getting run over by a dump truck filled with misery. I had to grab onto the back of the couch for balance until the terrible image finally left my mind.

Thankfully, my attention was pulled away from the back window as Walker’s eyes met mine from across the room. He was chatting with Mitch, who looked over at me with a wave. Mitch was a sight for sore eyes. All of us had been inseparable for years, since our first meeting during fraternity rush. I held up the bottle of whiskey from my freezer, and Walker nodded with a huge grin. He headed toward the kitchen, leaving Mitch to talk to one of Randy’s aunts, since he was too nice to excuse himself and risk someone thinking he was rude.

As I walked past the living room, following Walker’s lead, I heard Mitch telling her a story about his sheer heroism. A few months before Mitch had saved a family of four from their home engulfed in flames after the mother had fallen asleep with a lit cigarette in her mouth.  Mitch was not one to boast too much but, Irena was eating it up, gasping and touching his lean arm muscles.  For a lady well into her golden years, she sure could flirt and she was eating up her fire fighter man candy.

I set the bottle on the granite and grabbed shot glasses out of the cupboard. “You look good tonight, Mags. I’m glad you came.” Walker’s deep, sultry voice wrapped around his words seductively, as he leaned back against the entrance way, smiling at me. His tight white button down and low-cut jeans were hugging his muscles in all the right places and I stopped for a moment, mid-reach, to take in the amorous sight.

Trying to play off the chills that coursed through my entire body, I nudged him gently with my elbow. “Why does it seem like everyone is surprised I showed? I wouldn’t miss Jim’s birthday for the freaking world!”

I looked at Walker for an answer, but he just brushed it off. “It’s great to always have a drinking buddy at these things.” He walked the few steps over to me, wrapped me up in his strong arms and kissed my forehead lovingly, breathing in deeply as he did it.

I left the issue alone and poured both of us shots, shoving out of Walker’s embrace reluctantly with a playful grin and crimson spreading rapidly across my face. The way my body was reacting to him being that close, in that way, scared the shit out of me.  My heart hadn’t raced and my breath hadn’t caught like that in as long as I could remember, I wanted to jump in his arms and run for the hills in fear all at once. So, I did the only thing I could think to do, start to drown those feelings and emotions with alcohol.

Our glasses met high in the air, as Walker leaned in close to whisper one of our usual cheers. “To a night that we’ll hopefully forget and to, hopefully, no brown bottle flu!” The liquor slid down my throat, burning too pleasantly. Some of the liquid spilled onto my chin, making me giggle as I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. “We have to do one for Jim. Get the guys!”

Walker nodded in agreement and put one finger up, signaling me to wait for him while he covered his mouth with the other hand, still swallowing. “You pour and I will round everyone up.”

With that, I was alone again and memories threatened to assault my whiskey drenched good mood. I heard Randy’s voice start to creep in again. “Baby, make sure you take it easy.” I shook him out of my head. Tonight was not the night to take it easy or let a ghost control my life. I needed to let loose and have a little bit of fun. I grabbed the rest of the shot glasses and poured everyone a shot full to the rim. Walker came back in with Mitch, five of their fraternity brothers, and Jim in tow.

I lined up the shots. “Come get ‘em, guys!” I raised my glass high in the air and waited for the rest to meet mine before continuing, “To Jim, the birthday boy! May your sixties be your best decade yet.”

Walker put his hand on mine to stop me from throwing my shot into the back of my throat just yet. My eyes widened with curiosity and he just shook his head. He filled one more shot glass and set it on the counter. “And to Randy, ‘cause he could never turn down his girl and whiskey!” My eyes locked onto Walker’s, but he just winked at me and said, “Cheers everyone!”

We slammed our shots, chills running down our backs from the warm amber burning all the way down. All the guys laughed, then, one by one, they hugged me hello. It was wonderful to see all of them again. It had been too long.

We continued to do more rounds of shots, draining the bottle of whiskey, and finishing the evening off with beer. The night turned into a haze of laughing, dancing, and storytelling about our drunken debauchery. By the time we got around to singing “Happy Birthday” to Jim, our song was a jumbled mess of slurred words and terrible timing. Jim didn’t seem to notice or care. He just took Liz into his arms, planting a big, wet kiss on her mouth as we finished our song with “And many more!”

Jim and Liz might have appeared to be past their prime, but they sure knew how to party. It always surprised me how little they acted like parents, and how much they still seemed like college kids. Randy always said having cool parents was both a blessing and a curse. Their lack of discipline during Randy’s formative years was one of the contributing factors in him joining the army. He craved the structure his parents neglected to provide.

After saying goodnight to the last of our friends, and walking them out to their cars, Walker, Mitch and I plopped on the couch, still chuckling, with whiskey and beer soaking our blood. Resting my head onto Walker’s shoulder, I exhaled in the relief of a successful party.

“Why don’t we do this more often?” Liz was still dancing, sitting on the loveseat with one hand on Jim’s leg and the other waving in the air, her head bobbing along to the music playing in the background. “I just love to dance so much!” She hiccupped her last words, making all of us erupt into a rolling laugh. It felt so great to be free again, but a twinge of guilt hit my heart because Randy wasn’t there to share in it.

My mind fell back to the first time I met Jim and Liz. It was a hot day, a few weeks after Randy and I had met. He told me he couldn’t think of dating someone his mother hadn’t approved of, and invited me over to dinner. The entire drive to their house, I was so nervous to meet them. With sweaty palms and shaky knees, I sat in their living room and realized I had come home. Thinking back on it, I couldn’t help but laugh at myself for ever being nervous while they were so laid back. I was pretty sure they would have loved anyone Randy brought home; I was just the lucky one it happened to be.

Jim took his half-empty beer bottle, raising it in the air. “Son, I can only imagine you had a hand in all this. Thanks for a great birthday, man!”

Walker looked at me, and I was sure he could see the pain building in my face. “Well, it’s getting late. Want me to walk you home, Mags?” His accent was thick with his drunkenness that I could see in his half open eyes and glossed over expression look.

I nodded, holding in the flood of tears begging to escape from my drunken eyes.

“I’ll be right back Mitch.” Making stern eye contact with him, Walker nudged Mitch on the shoulder. “You’re crashing here, by the way.”

Mitch agreed easily, mumbling he knew he was too intoxicated to drive and would make the McManus' couch his bed for the night.

Mitch had learned long ago, when Walker was assigned as his “big brother”, not to test him. It was always better to obey than try to fight him. One night, their two stubborn heads clashed over drinking and driving. It was after a long night of boozing at the fraternity house. Walker refused to give Mitch his own keys back. Mitch was so drunk, he took a swing at his big brother. The fight ended with Walker’s right hand broken with a boxer’s fracture and Mitch getting ten stitches over his right eye. Needless to say, Mitch has never second guessed Walker’s opinion on the subject again, or how strongly he was willing to defend that opinion.

Walker extended his hand to me, helping me off the couch. I hugged both Liz and Jim, thanking them for a great night, breathing in their comforting love one last time.

Once the goodbyes were said, Walker hooked my arm around his elbow to stabilize me for the short trek. I could feel the booze sloshing around in my stomach as we half stumbled down the front steps. Having a strong and sturdy escort was a smart move; I was clumsily unstable in my heels. I staggered a few times, making Walker’s arm flex to stop me from face-planting onto the pavement. We giggled at my drunken, ridiculous state. In a half yawn I could barely understand, Walker stated it had been a great party.

“Yeah, it really was. It’s great to be out of my mopey darkness for a while and to have our drinking crew back together. It feels like college was a million years ago!”

“It was for me.” Walker chuckled, making me feel like a baby even though he was barely two years my senior.

“Oh right, I forgot you and Jim graduated together.” I jolted him with my elbow at my joke and playfully scowled at my remark. I rested my head on Walker’s arm for the next couple of steps, comforted by his presence.

We got to my door, and hugged good night. My head fit perfectly on his chest as he bent down a bit to rest his forehead on the top of my head. “I never realized how much shorter you are than me.”

I let out a sharp huff, “Yeah, I’m fun-sized.” As soon as the words slurred off my tongue, my entire body burned with embarrassment.

Walker’s just laughed at my remark. “Do you want me to help you inside, Tiny?” Walker’s arm was still wrapped around my waist, stabilizing me as I fumbled with the key in the door.

“No, I think I got it from here. Thank you, Mr. Jolly Green Giant.” I finally felt the lock pop open and smiled as the cool air-conditioning rushed out the door onto my hot cheeks. “I know I’ve had plenty to drink, but I’ll make it up the stairs just fine.” I stared into Walker’s beautiful eyes and took a moment to relish how warm and inviting they were. A shiver rushed up my spine, but I ignored it, chalking it up to the Jack Daniels.

Walker gave me a peck on the cheek, letting it linger longer than usual, “Sleep well, Half Pint.” He slurred, “Tonight was fun. I missed seeing you like that.” His voice turned huskier as the words trailed, letting a glint of lust flicker between us.

Breathlessly, I watched his lips and eyes for a moment, shaking off the desire to fill the void of loneliness only when Walker turned to head back down the block. I stayed on my front porch for a few seconds, watching him walk down the dew-dampened street, wishing he would turn back around and hold me all night. He did the right thing and kept walking.

When Walker came home from his deployment, soon after Randy’s death, the McManus’ took him in. Liz always said it was for Walker’s own good to get back on his feet there, but I always thought she did it more for selfish reasons. Walker was so much like Randy that Jim and Liz seemed to feel like it was the closest thing they could get to have their son home. Whatever the reason, I was thankful to have all three of them were so close. I knew sometimes my friendship with Walker crossed some sort of line, and Walker tried his best to balance our friendship while respecting the parents of my dead husband.

Turning the lock to my oak front door, loneliness settled in, cuddling up with the whiskey coursing through my brain, and they were not mixing well. I barely made it to my bathroom before my entire stomach emptied. For an hour, I dry-heaved on my bathroom floor, wishing I could have had one of my famous blackouts. Instead, I remembered every minute of the sickness and my terrible, lustful longings for a man I should never want.

3

Off in the distance of reality, I heard an awfully annoying buzzing noise, forcing me farther and farther from my dreamless sleep. The sound got louder in my ear until I registered that I was lying on the cold tile of my bathroom floor with my phone vibrating at me to wake up. I groggily propped myself up on one elbow, pressing the answer button just in the nick of time. “Hey Walker, what’s going on?” My voice croaked from my whiskey burnt throat, making me cough a little. My cottonmouth was unbearable and I had to force my tongue free from the roof of my mouth.

“I just wanted to make sure you’re up for work since it’s eight and the truck is still in the driveway.” It took a moment for the words to float from his deep, velvety voice into my brain and when they sank in, I gasped.

Hastily, I jumped to my feet, my head angry with my exertion, “Oh no! Thank you! I overslept! Man, I owe you one.”

Before I could hear his reply, I hung up the phone and flew up the stairs, racing to get to work on time. I worked an hour away at Florida Hospital South, in the human resources department, and had to be there by nine. Usually, I left by seven-thirty just in case there was traffic. Tardiness was not in my vocabulary, and the sheer thought of it sent me into a near panic attack.

My job, for the most part, was decent. I considered myself to be a paper pusher. Originally, I thought human resources would be an interesting job where I would get to help people. Now, I just considered it an easy way to pass time and pay the bills. I was bored throughout most of my day, doing tedious tasks, but everyone was cordial and mostly left me alone, which was perfect.

To calm myself from the traffic that I was cursing out loud at, I dialed Cali. She and I commuted at the same time every morning, working pretty much down the street from each other, and we sometimes caught up on gossip for the hour’s drive. I just had to be hopeful she would be available. She had been on a business trip for the last two weeks. Thankfully, after one short ring, Cali’s sugary, spunky voice came over the line. “Hey, Mags. How’s traffic for you this morning?”

I sighed and told her about my late night, and how lucky I was Walker woke me up.

“Well, I’m glad you had a good time. I’m fixing to head to the airport in an hour or so. Kyle had a late night last night so he’ll be off tonight when I get in. You’re off the hook.” I was thankful Cali’s husband was going to pick her up from the airport because I’d practically forgotten offering to play chauffeur.

“That’s great, I’m glad you’re finally coming home. I’ve missed you, Cal!” It would bring a little bit of relief to have her back in town. “I’m jealous you don’t have to work today. I’m hung-over as all hell!”

Cali giggled at my discomfort and mocked me a little before we ended our chat, as I pulled into the parking lot at work.

Kyle, Cali’s husband, was an Orange County Sheriff's Deputy. I had never cared for his arrogance, his vulgar comments, how he always accused Cali of cheating on him, or how selfish he seemed to be with Cali’s time, but she was head over heels enamored by him. Mostly, I think her affection came from how attractive Kyle was; he was Herculean. Perfect ice blue eyes, sandy blonde hair, very tall, overly toned muscles; everything Cali wanted. She always said in college that she needed to find a blonde haired, blue-eyed guy so they would have blonde haired, blue-eyed babies. She had natural strawberry blonde hair, deep blue eyes, and the perfect hint of olive in her skin tone, so her wish was probably going to come true.

I flew through the automatic doors to the hospital fifteen minutes after nine with a sigh of relief, and no one seemed to notice my lateness. The workday droned on, and all I could think about was how great the night before had been. Hanging out with all the people who were closest to me brought back the old, happy-go-lucky me that I missed so much. The only two people who were missing last night were my mother, who was old-fashioned and would have turned up her nose at my wild behavior, and Cali.

Even with how boring my workday had been, I dreaded it being over. I had grudgingly made dinner plans for that evening with my mother, to try a sushi place that had just opened a few blocks away from my house. I loved her to death and really appreciated everything she had done to help me recently, but being alone with her for an extended amount of time was not the most conducive move for our relationship. She nagged me about not moving on, and I totally blocked her out. We got under one another’s skin, plain and simple.

When my mom rang the doorbell thirty minutes late, I was just pulling my heels on. My mom was the exact opposite of me when it came to punctuality, and I eventually came to expect it. I opened the door, taking her into my arms for a long hug. On my drive home, I’d made a promise to myself to start being kinder to her, even if she pushed my buttons. My mom was doing her best; I had to keep telling myself that over and over to convince myself to be on good behavior.

“My word, you’re in a good mood honey.” Her smile spread quickly from ear to ear and the sight of it warmed me a little. She and I looked exactly alike. Long almost black hair, naturally curly, although I straightened mine every day, and she let her curls run wild. She and I were the same short five foot nothing with the same light brown, oval eyes. Our mouths and teeth were the only things that stopped me from being her clone; luckily, those genes were the only ones I got from my ugly, dirt bag father.

“We had a good party for Jim last night. I’m starting to realize what it means to be the old me again.” I smiled, hoping that was a good enough answer for my cheeriness, and took her hand as we walked to Randy’s truck.

As she started to go to the passenger’s side, my mother jumped right into sighing and badgering, as she turned up her nose at my favorite vehicle in the entire world. “I will never understand why you insist on driving this huge thing around. You have a perfectly good Mercedes in the garage.” I just rolled my eyes and let the diesel engine rumble gruffly, after letting it prime. She was right. I did well for myself, and with only me to support, my income plus Randy’s pension made my life more than comfortable, financially speaking. On a whim, right after Randy’s funeral, I treated myself to my dream car, and then refused to drive it.

I bit my lip and scanned the faded dash and steering wheel, taking in the comforting musty smell of happy memories. “I feel safer in this. You want the car, Mom?” My voice was dry and annoyed as I fought to maintain a cheerful expression.

She continued her ignorance of how her words cut into me and sustained her gaze out the window as she laughed to herself. “No honey, that’s sweet of you. My Prius is just fine.”

I shook off the pissed feelings that were starting to creep up, and tried to make small talk on the way to the restaurant with a name that neither one of us could pronounce.

We were shown to our table by a short, skinny man dressed in all black clothing that was three sizes too big for his small frame.

Before the host had chance to walk away, I asked him for two sake bombs, my butt not even hitting the cushion yet. He bowed politely and hurried off to fill my request. The restaurant was virtually empty, so service was quick. Before my mom had too much time to complain, the cool sake accompanied by two half glasses of beer were set on our table. Turning her nose up as high in the air as possible, my mother protested, “Honey, I can’t drink that.” The disdain in her voice was palpable, but I didn’t care one bit.

As her face started to scream with disgust, I laughed. “Mom, you are drinking this tonight! We’re celebrating me coming back from my darkest hour! Welcome to the old me that you didn’t witness when I was living hours away in college.” I gave her a wry wink and slid her shot glass and beer closer to her.

My mom set up her chop sticks begrudgingly the way I showed her, and we slammed our fists on the table chanting, “Sake! Sake! Sake Bomb!” and chugged like champs. Seeing the horrible face my mom made as she wiped her beer soaked chin, I decided one was enough torture for the night.

I rolled my eyes as my mom’s expression changed and her shoulders sagged, “Don’t worry Mom, I’ll spare you the anguish of another.” I chuckled and started to glance over the menu, looking up briefly. “Thanks for champing through that one.” She forced a polite smile and looked down at her menu as well.

When our server trotted back over, I ordered myself a beer, and my mom a glass of plum wine, along with all different kinds of rolls. Luckily, my mom and I had pretty much the same taste when it came to food, so we always shared when we went out together. Once I was done ordering, the server bowed, and scurried off into the kitchen.

“So Margret, is there anything new in your life? I hear you’re spending a lot of time with Walker Eastman.”

Her curious eyebrow raise crawled under my skin but I made myself shake it off, replying dryly, “Nothing new, and, yeah, Walker keeps me company. He’s just as banged up as I am.” Almost on cue, the server returned, setting the beer next to my hand. Hastily I grabbed it and drank half the bottle’s contents before looking at my mother’s grimace.

My mom took my hand. “Honey, you know that it’s okay to have feelings for someone else. Even if it is Randy’s best friend. Randy would want you to move on. Please honey, I want grandkids someday.”

The server returned again with perfect timing, our first round of gorgeously wrapped fish flesh being the only savior from the anger I was about to unleash. She had cut too deep that time. “Mother,” my words were low, but scathing, “that is out of line. Just. Stop!” My eyes bore into my mom’s with fury, while she tried to avoid my death stare.

“I’m sorry, honey. I just hate to see you like this. I know I don’t say the right things. It’s just difficult. Ever since your father left, I regret never trying to find someone else. I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I did. That’s all.” Tears were starting to form in her eyes. She tried blinking them back, but a few escaped, rolling down her cheek. Her misguided tears only fueled my rage.

I gripped the edges of the table, trying to even my angry tone, my knuckles turning white while my pulse quickened. Slowly searching for words, my voice quivered and crackled, “This is different. Randy didn’t walk out on his family. He was fighting to get back here to start one.” I hunched in my seat, letting my body calm into my defeated state, letting my head fall in my hands. There was no way to fight the tears; they rushed like waterfalls down my cheeks and neck. Looking up again, slowly, I could see my words cut deep, but I could not stop there, I had to finally say my piece. “I know you were hurt when Dad left, but please, have some compassion for me.” My voice came out weak and pleading, completely crushed. My mother and I just don’t know how to get along.

After a few moments of silently crying and staring at one another, it was evident this evening was too broken to repair. I waved the server over. His once cheery face had faded into concern when he realized we were both crying.

Trying to glower at him, my words came babbling out before I had time to realize how hurtful they were, “Will you please wrap up all of our food? My mother has spoiled my appetite, and my evening.” He nodded quickly, taking our plates with him into the kitchen.

My mom was like a statue the entire time we waited for the server to return with our boxes of freshly prepared food that was probably going to spoil before we even got it home. With his head down, looking at the floor, the server set our wrapped up dinner onto the table and placed our bill next to it, then almost ran back into the safety of the kitchen. I laughed a little when my mom put her hand on the bill, snatching it out of her hand harshly. There was no way she was going to try to make this night better by treating me, and the fact that she was an awful tipper made me never want to let her pay at restaurants. I put an overly generous amount of cash into the black book, stood up and was out the door before my mother even had her purse in hand.

Once outside, my mom hurriedly trotted after me, trying to thank me for dinner, or the lack thereof, in one of her condescending tones. Stopping dead in my tracks, I spun on my heels, my lips primed and I seethed, “Don’t worry about it. It is gladly on me, Mother.”

My mom started to riddle an apology in a shaky voice, and I just held my hand up, shaking my head. There was no saving this moment and I really didn’t want to deal with her trying. I reached the driver’s side of the truck, climbed in and let the sound of the engine lull me into a calmer state. I left the doors locked for a few seconds, while I breathed in the musty carpeting, faded leather, and slight hint of air freshener. Once I had my moment, I unlocked the passenger’s side door, and gave a swift hand wave to coax my mother into the vehicle.

On the ride home, my mom attempted to talk to me, but I simply ignored her. Yes, it was childish, but better that than start in on her again, or worse, break down again. We pulled into the driveway and before I even turned the engine off, I snarled, “I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but for now we are not on good terms, and you need to give me space. I love you but I need you to learn how to respect me and my grieving.”

Her eyes slowly met mine, tears still streaming down her rosy, plump cheeks, “Honey, just remember, I didn’t have the luxury to grieve when your dad left. I had a daughter to be strong for.” That was a low blow, and my temper flared. I gripped the steering wheel and started to hyperventilate, fighting for words that were not too harsh.

Before I could start screaming about how I had to take care of her for months while she skipped work and didn’t even feed her six-year-old, she was out of the truck, slamming the door. I cooked, cleaned, and got myself ready for school every day after my dad walked out. Every fiber of my body screamed and shuddered with pain, heartbreak and rage. I wished I was able to express all of my hurt from the terrible memories I had buried deep down, but I knew it would just hurt her more, and there was no point after all these years.

I slammed my open palms into the steering wheel, screaming a few more times, and then whipped out my cell. With trembling hands, I dialed Cali’s number. Her soft, sweet voice cooed into the phone, “Mags? You okay?”

Through sobs, I tried to explain, but all I could get out was, “I had a fucking awful night trying to play nice with my mom. Want to slam back some wine and toast to shitty mothers?” Cali’s mom was worse than mine, if that was even possible, and I was so glad she didn’t ask me to explain. Thankfully, she had gotten home from her trip already. I could hear her douche bag of a husband complaining that she was choosing me over him for the night, but she agreed to head over right away, yelling at him for being an insensitive jackass before hanging up the phone.

4

When Cali pulled into the driveway, I hadn’t moved from the driver’s seat, still buckled in, my head resting on the steering wheel. Cali opened up the passenger’s side door, smiled sympathetically at my melancholy state and climbed in. Her long blonde hair was pulled up into a messy bun, and she had already washed all her makeup off. Judging by her sweatpants and glasses, I had pulled her away right as she was getting ready for bed; Cali was not the type to leave the house with her glasses on, or with makeup-less eyes and cheeks.

Shaking a bottle of pink, fruity wine at me, she giggled thoughtfully. “Are we drinking in this smelly old truck or what?”

Her amusement with her half-assed attempt to make me feel better calmed me down enough to look at her and attempt a smirk. “I guess we should go inside. We are going to need more wine than that nasty, sugary shit you drink.” I nudged her playfully and opened up the driver’s side door. With one big sigh, I jumped out of my seat and waited for Cali to join me. She wrapped me up in a huge hug, and then walked me into my house while a few frustrated tears ran down my cheeks.

Once inside, we made a beeline for the kitchen, where Cali jumped on the counter to sit while I opened her bottle of blush wine and my Malbec. As I started to pour our glasses too full to be classy, my best friend cocked her head to the side with a sly grin as she saw our oversized portions close to spilling over the edge. I rolled my eyes playfully, “What? It’s not the night for damn formalities, Cal! Trust me.”

She grasped her glass in both hands, slurped her first sip and giggled, slowly smiling from ear to ear. “Elena must have done a number on you tonight.” She jumped off the counter and hugged me again, while I let myself cry for a moment.

I grimaced, stepped back from Cali, took a huge gulp, and started ranting, pacing back and forth through the kitchen. I was screaming at the top of my lungs, forcing all of the anger out of my body. It was just too much weight to bear. “She just thinks I need to be over Randy already. I don’t get it. She’s my mom. She should be making me comfort food and stroking my hair while I cry for years to come if that’s what it takes. Not criticizing me for missing the love of my life. You know, she even tried to convince me Walker is cute! Can you freaking believe her?” I took another colossal swig of wine and choked a little from trying to swallow it too fast. I cannot wait to numb this whole fucking night away.

“Yuck! Walker is a womanizing dick that probably has ten STDs by now.” Her nose crinkled and I could almost see her cheeks turning green while she thought about how many women Walker had actually hooked up with over the years we had known him. She was right about him sleeping around. Walker had Southern charm about him that could make anyone swoon, and no standards to speak of. Together, it was the perfect combination for a successful man whore.

I chuckled at Cali’s look of disgust and motioned for the living room, making sure to grab both bottles of wine and set them onto the coffee table. I got a couple of blankets out of the linen closet and curled up on the couch with Cali. It was fantastic that she was home, and I was so thankful she was here with me now. For every break up, every horrible fight, even bad test scores, we were always there for each other, no matter what. It was so comforting to know she was in my corner, not judging me in any way at all.

Topping off our glasses quickly, I decided changing the subject was in my best interest. The thought of Walker in that way made me a little uncomfortable, but not in the normal sense of, ‘Gross, Walker’s like a brother and a disgusting man whore’, but more like, ‘I shouldn’t have so many moments with Walker that give me butterflies,’ and I was definitely not ready to admit that to Cali. “So tell me about this business trip? Finally find a replacement for Kyle?”

Cali shoved me playfully, while flipping through the channels to find us a girly movie to watch, a look of playful shock spread across her lips. “You know I love him! He’s better than you think!” She turned to me, her smile fading into frustration. “And work is shitty like always. Just full of boring meetings about new lines we want to sell next year and lonely nights in the hotel.”

Cali was the chief sales agent for an importer that could never make enough money. Needless to say, her boss worked her to the bone. I had always told her she could make more money with fewer headaches at another firm, but Cali was loyal, sometimes too loyal. It was one of her best qualities.

She sighed at the TV; still channel surfing. “My shit is boring. What happened while I was away? Anything exciting?” Cali’s cheeks were already starting to turn a cute pink from her wine that probably tasted like Skittles; she had always been a lightweight.

I smiled, pinching her cheek, teasing her a little. “Nothing really exciting to report on my end. Work and moping, my usual routine, you know how I’ve been lately. Walker kept me company for the most part in your absence.”

Cali snapped her head around to look me dead in the eyes. “No wonder your mom said something, if Walker’s been around a lot lately! She does your freaking grocery shopping for crying out loud. She doesn’t do that for her health you know, she does it to stalk you!”

The thought of my mom stalking me had crossed my mind from time to time, but I hadn’t considered that she was paying too much attention, and the thought of it freaked me out. “Oh, I know, but I didn’t think she was watching closely enough to make assumptions about my love life, or lack thereof, for that matter. I mean she told me to move on because she wants grandkids eventually! It’s all just so fucked up! I told her to leave me alone for a while.” The anger from earlier settled back down in the pit of my stomach. I felt more blood boil up to make my skin flush from head to toe. I really cannot believe the audacity of that woman!

For a few seconds, Cali just stared at me, her mouth open. “That’s a low blow. I would have socked her one if I had been there.” She meant it too. Her voice was low and vindictive. Every once in a while, Cali’s pink-girly exterior turned into a hot-headed bad-ass, a side of her I wished she used more often on her husband.

Finally, we found Pretty Woman to watch and left it on in the background of our conversation as white noise.

Once we were finished with our little episode of complaining and ranting just a little bit more, I cuddled under my blanket, resting my head on Cali’s shoulder, staring at our arms side by side. “Cali, we’re both too pale. I think it’s a boat, drinks, and sun rays loving kind of Saturday coming up.” I smiled as she turned to look down on me with the biggest blue eyes filled with excitement. We used to go to the beach almost every weekend if weather would allow. It was our girl-time that we had both missed since Randy passed away.

Enthusiastically, Cali grabbed her cell off the coffee table and looked up our ten-day forecast. “Saturday is going to be perfect for tanning and fruity cocktails!” We settled back into our spots on the couch, letting ourselves get wrapped into the romance playing on the screen. Simple nights like this were what I really enjoyed, and I was lucky both of my best friends enjoyed those types of moments too.

We must have dozed off for an hour or so, judging by the fact that when I woke up, Julia Roberts was on the piano, refusing to kiss Richard Gere on the lips. I shook Cali awake gently; she rubbed her eyes, smiling, and stretching all at once. “I missed nights like this. I’m glad you are starting to come back to me!” Her sleepy voice was soft and slow as she wrapped me in a hug, making me feel all the loving warmth in her embrace. I truly am so lucky that I have such amazing people in my life.

“You know what we need? Ice cream!” Cali jumped off the couch, excited by her epiphany. She trotted into the kitchen, her blonde bun bouncing with every step, and came back with a tub of mint chocolate chip that had been in my freezer for way too long. I couldn’t help but smile, pouring the remainder of our bottles of wine into the glasses. She grinned, taking her seat next to me. “Now we’re doing this right.”

We giggled, stuffed ice cream into our mouths and finished our wine. Scooping the last bit of green deliciousness from the bottom of the carton, the clock on the end table caught my eye. “Wow, it’s almost three in the morning, Cal. I think it’s time to call it a night. We both have to work in the morning, and I have my first therapy appointment in the afternoon. I don’t want to fall asleep on my shrink’s couch the first session. That might not make the best of impressions. You want to crash here?”

Cali leaned over, seeing the ten missed calls from her husband and sighed. “Yeah, I shouldn’t drive right now. Damn, he’s going to be pissed.”

Cali got up, going into the kitchen to call Kyle back. I could hear her yelling at him to grow up and remember her best friend was going through a rough time and, if she didn’t answer the first time to just leave it alone. She hung up in a huff of anger and climbed back onto the couch, snuggling up in her blanket. I grabbed a pillow for her from the hall closet. By the time I got back into the living room, Cali was already snoring. Even her snoring was adorable. I climbed the stairs to my room, smiling, silently thanking Cali for never giving up on me and making me feel almost normal for a change.

I crawled into bed, turned out my light, and checked my phone. I had three missed calls, one voice mail and five text messages. The voicemail I was determined to not listen to because it was from my mom and the sound of her voice may ruin my better mood. I scrolled over my mother’s three “I’m sorry” texts to get to the ones from Walker:

Hey Mags, I saw your mom leave in kind of a huff. Hope everything’s OK.

Just wanted to tell you I had a great time last night, Mags. Let’s make it a point to have more fun from now on. We both deserve it. Good night, darling.

I smiled, sighed and wiggled into a comfortable position on my side of the bed, rattling off a quick text back before falling into a dreamless sleep for the night:

Everything is fine, Cali came over and we had one of our famous wine-night-bitchfests … and yeah, last night was great, you have yourself a deal. Let’s have more fun. Good night, love.

5

Around six in the morning, my eyes groggily opened to the heinous screeching of my alarm clock. Great. Another hangover. I yawned, stretched, and splatted back on my pillow, unable to move from the piercing pain in my head. The sound of Cali thudding up the stairs a few seconds later helped me wake up a little bit more.

Without knocking, she came into my room and climbed into bed with me, snuggling up close to share my pillow. “Man, your bed is fantastic! Why the fuck did you make me sleep on the couch? This thing is meant to be shared!” She grabbed the other pillow off the bed and smacked my blushing face with it, too quickly for my aching eyes to register.

I sat up, giggling at her half-assed pouting expression. “You could have. Now you know for next time.” I grinned again and blushed deeper, thinking about all the times Walker had commented on how comfortable my bed was. Suddenly, a huge pain of guilt rushed into my lunges and heart, making me choke a little as tears started to form. Cali’s playful expression turned concerned quickly as she questioned my sudden, odd reaction, “Everything okay, Mags?”

I tried to pull on the bravest, half-grin I could muster, “Yeah, Cal. I’m good. Just miss Randy from time to time. Mornings are not that great for me.” I grimaced and rested my head back down next to my best friend as she stroked my hair, trying to console me. The fact that I just lied to her, or at least told a half-truth, made me feel even worse; I hated lying to her.

She shot me a sympathetic smile and wrapped her arms around me, pulling my whole body tightly to her., “I can’t even imagine what you’re going through,” she whispered softly, and then kissed the top of my head.

We cuddled for a few minutes and Cali insisted on borrowing clothes of mine, getting ready with me and driving the both of us to work. I figured she was worried about me, so I didn’t protest her offer. Luckily, we worked close enough to each other downtown, and dropping me off would only be five minutes out of her way.

I hopped off my bed and slowly made my way into the bathroom. Sitting on the toilet, waiting for my shower to get hot, I let myself cry. I wasn’t sure why I was crying this time. Was it that I missed Randy, felt guilty for having random, borderline romantic feelings for Walker, or was it just loneliness? The whole grieving process I had been going through was odd, onerous to deal with, and, frankly, freaking me out. I guess there isn’t a guidebook on being a widow in your twenties, other than stupid pamphlets that make my stomach tangle into knots, so I just have to wing it.

Cali and I got ready for work together, just like in the old days when we would get ready for class. We rocked out to ‘Summer Hits of the 90s’, danced around, joked and acted like total fools. It was great to be so light-hearted for a little while with my best friend, and, again, I silently thanked her for being simply amazing.

Once I got to work, I remembered I had my first therapy session that afternoon, and wished I had driven myself. I was pretty fortunate Walker was still on leave, and virtually had nothing to do with himself all day until the Army called him again. He agreed to drive me to and from my doctor’s office, claiming to have some reading to catch up on anyway.

My workday rushed by while I dreaded my first session with Dr. Candice Davenport. I found myself restless in the waiting room, wishing I was there alone. Walker smiled at me, assuring me this was for the best, and that he should do the same thing. Realizing I really didn’t feel like talking, he dove back into some zombie book with a big “Z” on the cover, shoving me with his elbow and muttering softly, “Like I said before, as long as you’re taking care of yourself, I’m happy.  I’m here to support you, Mags.”

I bit my lip and glanced away. “Thanks, Walker.  It means a lot to me that you’re here.”  He looked up, smiled and patted my shoulder, without another word.

Trying to read the random editions of US Weekly and People were futile, and I just stared at the ocean scene paintings lining the walls. I could not understand why I was so nervous. She’s just a therapist, someone who solely wants to help me cope. In every sense, this was the best decision I had made for myself since Randy’s death, I just had trouble convincing myself wholeheartedly of that fact.

After waiting for about fifteen minutes, a hunched over, middle-aged man with sunken, black eyes opened the door, followed by a very petite woman in a navy business suit. Her smile seemed a little eerie after the depressing sight of her last patient. Dr. Davenport quickly made eye contact with me, never breaking her cheery grin and walked across the room, hand fully extended. “Margret McManus?”

I took her hand, meeting her beaming eyes with a sheepish smirk and a quick nod. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Doctor.”

Walker looked up from his book, gave me a quick, supportive wink and then went back to reading; a sly, sexy, half-grin lingering on his lips just long enough to make my cheeks turn an obnoxious shade of red.

Dr. Davenport ushered me into her office and closed the door quietly. The room had a massive mahogany desk, overly tidy, and polished so much so that there was a glare coming off the top of it. The walls were painted a light, depressing gray, complimenting the dark blue couch and recliner. The only piece of artwork was a nice beach sunset, which reminded me of my honeymoon in Bimini.

A flashback to Randy sitting in the captain’s chair with a tumbler full of rum, laughing about how terrible I was at baiting hooks with live shrimp, brought me back to one of my happiest memories of us. That was how we spent our honeymoon; fishing and basking in our love, and the sun. I always loved how many things we had in common, and I loved the simplicity of fishing. Suddenly, a fake cough from the doctor made me remember where I was, and I forced myself to come back down to reality.

Candice Davenport was not what I was expecting at all. By the look of her, she couldn’t have been much older than me, with mousey blonde hair, kind, rounded blue eyes, and the biggest smile I’d even seen. I couldn’t help but question her qualifications for helping me. How could someone my age or younger know how to fix someone with a broken heart like mine; someone this damaged? I figured I had to remember that you never knew someone’s past, and she could be forty, for all I knew, with fantastic skin; she was a doctor for crying out loud.

Taking a seat in the recliner, after grabbing her writing pad and pen off her desk, Doctor Davenport extended an open hand, gesturing me to sit on the couch. I fought the urge to roll my eyes at how cliché this was, but I just nodded, trying to hide my nerves with a smile as I sat.

“So, Margret, I have a few quick get-to-know-you type questions to ask, and then we’ll get into the meat and potatoes of why we’re here. If, for any reason, you want to stop the conversation or move on to another topic, just say the word. Please, I want you to be comfortable.” She paused waiting to make sure I was okay with all of this, and when I nodded, she settled into her chair to get ready to write. We went over the basics; my name, where I lived, how old I was, where I worked, if I enjoyed my job or not. I gave her quiet and short answers as she frowned at me. I could tell I was not giving her much information to work with.

The doctor’s eyes brightened a little once the red tape was over. “I think that does it for the formalities. Now, why don’t we start off with why you’re here?”

I knew, at that moment, I must have looked like a deer in the headlights. How could I start off by saying my husband was ripped away from me? The fraternity guy with the amazing smile had stolen my heart and then left it alone to break over and over. My whole life stopped when he was taken from me and I had not been able to make it start again. How could you begin a story with a broken heart? Panic, followed by fear, then finally calm settled in me after I took a few deep breaths. For some reason, I became almost grateful to be preparing to start this story, to finally, really, get better.

I closed my tear-filled eyes, took one last deep breath and kicked off with the only words that would form in my choking throat. “My husband died in an accident.” Keeping eye contact with her was impossible, she looked instantly pained for me. That probably was not what she was expecting. I could feel hot tears falling from my eyes. I promised myself I would not cry, but I’d gotten really good at letting myself down over the last few months.

A tiny voice crackled in the uncomfortable silence that had taken over the office. “How did he die?” The words were distant from my thoughts and it took a few moments for them to register.

“He was in a parachuting accident. He was a soldier. His chute never opened. He crashed into the ground and died, there was no saving him.” My throat was dry, my voice quiet and shaky, I couldn’t believe those words came out of my mouth, it didn’t even sound like my voice.

She wrinkled her nose a little, as if she was fighting off a sneeze. Dr. Davenport reached over, handed me a tissue box and offered me some water. When I accepted the offer, she left the room for a moment and I finally relaxed my shoulders when the door closed behind her. I was determined to answer her questions, break down or not, I knew I had to do this to get better. When she returned, she handed me a cold water bottle, settling back down in her seat. “How did you two meet?”

I looked up into her mousey face, her wrinkled nose, her blue eyes fixated on me, while I fumbled for words. I was completely taken aback. Since Randy had died, no one had asked me about the happy times, they just kept asking how I had been holding up. The muscles in my face relaxed into a softer expression finally, letting me start at the beginning with that fateful night we all met during fraternity rush.

I told her everything, all the way down to checking out Walker first and then being captivated with Randy from that day forward. I was brought back to reality by Dr. Davenport sneezing. “Oh, excuse me. I’m sorry.” She dabbed her button nose with her hankie and looked me right in the eyes. “What was your husband’s name?”

“Randall McManus.” The full name sounded odd to my ears.

She smiled warmly, unaware of my discomfort, “He sounds like a really fun guy. I see you’re still wearing your ring. Tell me about that a little, why are you still wearing it?”

I looked down at my hand, narrowed my brow, frowning, “I guess I had never thought about it before,” I lied, “Is it a bad thing?”

She grimaced at my expression, “No, not at all. It’s your comfort zone; I’m just trying to learn about you. What do you do for fun, Margret?”

I sighed with a little bit of relief for the change of conversation, I was in no way ready to take my wedding band off. “I guess I don’t really do anything except for work. I have three really close friends who try to distract me, a mother that tries but fails, and my in-laws live down the street.”

She furiously wrote on her jotter, barely looking up from her notes in her lap. “That must be nice to be so close to loved ones. That can really help in the grieving process. What did you and Randall do for fun?”

I smile and cooed. “Anything was fun with Randy by my side. We could laugh and carry on no matter what. Life was never boring, and we just clicked. He was my one, my sunshine, and now I’m in the dark, all alone.”

“What about that young gentleman with whom you were sitting in the lobby? He must be a good friend to be accompanying you here.”

I prayed she would not notice the fiery red color that scorched my cheeks, “That’s Walker, Randy’s best friend.” I paused, choosing my words carefully. I really did not want my therapist to get the wrong impression of me during our first session. “He’s made it kind of a mission since we lost Randy to take care of me. He’s a good friend.” The last words came out rigid and absolute.

Dr. Davenport’s eyebrow rose at my explanation but did not push the subject further. A kind smile spread across her lips, allowing me to relax a little again. “We’re just about out of time for today. Why don’t we see each other once a week. Tuesdays at six?”

I nodded, thanking her for her time and for listening to me. Before I could stand, she made stern eye contact with me, taking my shaking hands in hers. “Margret, I don’t want you to start to think you have to forget about your loved ones who are gone and get over them. Life is about remembering the good times and reminding yourself there is always still good in the world. Can you try to do that?”

I assured her I would do my best, and her eyes lit up as she patted me on the shoulder.  I couldn’t help but think about how many of her patients might ignore her tips.

She held the door for me, and I shook her hand, saying goodbye one more time. Walker stood once he saw me emerge from the office, a grin from ear to ear plastered on his face, probably happy to see I wasn’t in a complete mess.

I hooked my arm around his, and beamed up into his wonderfully happy face. “Thanks for being so great to me all the time. It means a lot.”

Walker led me out of the double doors, and stopped a few steps away from his truck. “Mags, I don’t know how many more times I will have to say this, but here it goes. You’re amazing, you deserve the best, and I want nothing more than to be whatever you need me to be.”

I stared blankly at him for a second, a little confused with his choice of words, but ignoring their possible underlying meaning, I pulled him into a much-needed hug. We stood there for a few seconds, Walker pulling away first. “Come on, I need to get you home. You’ve had a long day.”

With that, he opened up the passenger’s side door for me, helping me inside his truck. We rode in silence back to my house. Once we were in the driveway, I pecked Walker on the cheek, thanked him again for the ride, and made my way inside, trying to sort through all of the craziness from my day.

6

The rest of my workweek crawled by at a snail’s pace, boring and mundane like usual. My anticipation for the beach outing with Cali continued to grow as the days passed. It had been so long since I acted like I used to, and I had completely neglected Cali for the most part. I knew she understood, but her friendship was an important part of my life and it was high time we started getting back into our goofy-girl-time routines again. I was so glad we made these plans, the thought of it all put me in a better mood all week. I guess I really am starting to get better.

Saturday morning, I was woken up by Cali jumping into my bed and giggling. “Wake up sleepy head; it is going to be a hot one!”

“Ugh, I should never have given you and Walker keys. You two always just barge in!” I groaned, pulling my pillow over my face, not wanting to be brought out of my peaceful dream of sunbathing with Randy.

Finally, after about a minute of Cali restlessly jumping up and down on my bed, I pried my eyes open, removed the pillow and couldn’t help but laugh at her goofiness. Stretching into a yawn, I grumbled, “Give me five minutes and I’ll be ready. Good thing I shaved my legs last night. What time is it?”

Cali hopped off my bed and started rummaging through the bathing suits in my drawer. “Seven-thirty. I figured we could grab some breakfast over in Cocoa, tan for a little while and then head over to a bar to do a little day drinking.” She spun around holding a swimsuit in her hands, smiling at it. “Here, this one is sexy!”

She threw the bathing suit at me while I was still cocooned in blankets; I smiled when I held it up and thought about how perfect a day she had planned. “Did I ever tell you how much I love you, and how great a best friend you are?” I warmly smiled at Cali as she checked her eyeliner in my mirror. In the reflection, she smiled back as I climbed out of my comfy, warm bed.

“I love that entire plan.” I giggled, slipping into my bathroom to put on the hot-pink, Brazilian-style bikini that probably had the least amount of fabric possible, and brush my teeth. Cali, like always, looked stunning in her little hot-pink shorts, white tank top and purple strapless bikini that was visible under the sheer fabric.  She and I were just about the same height and size, but she always looked better than I did.  I knew mostly it was from effort, so I didn’t mind when she dictated my clothing choices; usually she was right.

I came out modeling the suit for Cali, and she smiled, clapping. “Man, I have good taste,” she said, giving herself a little pat on the back. She grabbed her beach bag and started for the door. “Let’s go, I’m starving.”

I dove under my bed to find my blue beach bag, and then put my wallet and other essentials into it. I slipped on my white shorts and a cute flowing, almost see-through black top in a hurry. Before I could walk out of my room, Cali met me in the doorway, holding my big towels and full-sized white sheet out. “Your bag is bigger, you get the towels.” She grinned, grabbed my wrist, and led me down the stairs.

Riding in her little white Chevrolet Cobalt that smelled like a combination of island breeze and cupcakes brought me back to her driving me around freshman year. I had totaled my car driving home to see my mom on winter break. I beamed at how great a friend she had always been to me over the years. It seemed like my life was always in the gutter, and Cali was the one always helping me out.

Cali scrolled through the radio stations until she found the perfect one; hits from the eighties and nineties. We bobbed to old pop songs from back in our high school days. We talked about how "Oops, I Did it Again” reminded me of the summer I had my first kiss with Dominic Preston, and how every time Cali heard "Bye, Bye, Bye” she remembered playing it on a loop, crying in her mother’s room after her first really bad break up. I leaned back in my seat, staring out the window, remembering how just a few years ago my life was so simple. My heart ached to be back in those times, before my life’s cards had been dealt.

We pulled into a little diner on our way out to Highway A1A to grab some scrambled eggs and coffee. We gawked over our terrible service from our grumpy middle-aged waitress. During college, Cali and I were both bartenders and the experience had made us overly critical of service and exceptional tippers despite quality. Randy would always get mad at us for wanting to leave thirty or forty percent for service that was sub-par at best, but we felt like it was karma.

Right when I felt the sand between my toes and smelled the salt air, I relaxed. There was something about being close to the ocean that brought me peace. It almost was as if I felt so small, and all of my problems felt so small, next to something so magnificently huge.

Cali and I found the perfect tanning spot and laid out our sheet and towels.

Pulling two water bottles from her bag, Cali breathed in deeply. “It has been too long, for sure! We used to come here every other week.”

We both settled down on our stomachs and I made my phone sing out a playlist of Jimmy Buffett, Bob Marley, and other beach tunes. The sun was hot and made my skin burn a little, but it felt fantastic. It was before Randy left for basic training since I had worked on my tan. I could feel my skin drinking in the missing vitamin D gratefully. “Man, I missed this, Cal!”

The sound of the waves crashing and children playing lulled us both into a slight, sun-kissed sleep.

Promptly at eleven o’clock, my phone reminded us our favorite little beach bar was open for business. I got up and stretched, looking down at my tanned skin gleaming in the sunlight. Luckily, both Cali and I barely got sunburns and always turned to a dazzling olive-bronzed color. Cali’s natural blonde curls waved in the wind, wrapping around her face as she started to pack up her things. I did the same, bobbing to “No Woman, No Cry” and basking in the beautiful day.

We strolled arm in arm for about two blocks down the beach along the shoreline, letting the waves roll back and forth over our feet. “Cali, thanks for this!” I wrapped my arm around her waist in a half hug, “I’m glad to finally feel normal more and more these days!”

Curling her arms around my shoulders, Cali giggled. “What made you think you have ever been normal, Mags?”

I shoved her playfully, giving her an exaggerated gaping jaw and raised eyebrows. We laughed until we reached the steps of the boardwalk to the bar where we both froze, startled by the sight of Mitch and Walker standing at the bar. They were surrounded by oiled-up, giggling Barbie dolls playing with their hair flirtatiously. Even though this was nothing new, a bite of jealousy nipped at my stomach. Confusion washed over me, I usually didn’t care who or what Walker was doing. But at that moment, I cared a little too much.

I suppressed the urge to strut over to his side and shove my tongue down his throat in front of the model-look-alikes just to make them go away. Brushing the covetous feelings off, I grabbed Cali’s hand and continued into the outside bar area filled with packed high-top tables. Walker and Mitch were both smooth talkers with ripped tattooed bodies, and they knew how to flaunt it. Girls fawned over them everywhere they went. Cali and I used to always give them a hard time about having no standards, but not too many good-looking college guys did, in my experience.

“Goodness, look at those two! Isn’t it crazy that we hang out with them?” Cali’s eyes narrowed to crinkled slits as we made our way towards the only empty table which was, unfortunately, directly in the guys’ view.

I set my bag on top of the table and waved over to Walker who had already spotted us. “What did you do that for?” Cali whispered sharply, as if to make sure they wouldn’t hear her. Walker shot me a half grin and nudged Mitch to rip his attention away from staring at the tits threatening to explode out of the blonde’s top who was practically sitting in his lap.

“Because it’s the right thing to do, Cal,” I snapped at her through gritting teeth. I just couldn’t believe how rude she could be sometimes.

Walker and Mitch both shot us cocky winks and grins, turned to each other, then to the bartender. A haggard looking brunette barkeep lazily gawked at them and nodded, turning to shake clear liquid and pour it into shot glasses.

The next thing I knew, Walker and Mitch were at our table, without their tramps, handing us tequila shots, salt and lime. “Well, look what the cat dragged out to play!” Mitch teased, handing Cali and I our shots. “To this gorgeous day and gorgeous women.” His smile dangled on the corner of his lips, moistened by the liquor that almost did not make it into his mouth.  Apparently, the guys had been drinking for quite a bit by the time we showed up. A smile escaped from my pursed lips as I leaned back on one hip, for some reason I had a soft spot for Mitch, almost like he was my annoying little brother. Mitch and Cali both loved patron,  Walker and I on the other hand were more whiskey drinkers, but we all raised our glasses without complaint and threw the shots back. Wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, I cringed and made a disgusted face, which made everyone erupt into a booming laugh at as I bit down on my lime.

“Fancy seeing the two of you here.” Walker was glaring hungrily at me and leaned in for a hug hello that I warmly accepted. I met his gaze with a shy but subtle wink.

I quickly diverted from Walker’s stare and started small talk with Mitch about how small a world it was. But, honestly it wasn’t. During college, on beautiful days like this, Cali and I would not have been anywhere else. For a split second, I questioned if Walker knew that and dragged Mitch there on purpose. The group of girls Walker and Mitch had been flirting with came over to talk to them again, reminding me why the guys would have probably decided to come here, and it was definitely not because of old friends.

To my surprise, Walker and Mitch shooed them away, turning their focus right onto Cali and me. “What was that about?” Cali’s eyebrow raised and she pointed in the direction of the flock of bleached and tanned vultures circling their next victims. Mitch and Walker both shrugged it off, telling us they wanted to hang out with us, not fake gold diggers.

I called them on their bullshit, but Walker rubbed a hand over his dark stubble nonchalantly, “It’s true, Mags. It ain’t no thing to just want to be around friends and not get pawed at.”

I figured the best bet was to not question their good behavior any further, even if it was out of character.

“I guess everyone has to grow up eventually.” Cali giggled.

After about ten minutes of waiting on service, Walker was able to flag down a very tall, overly tanned server for us. She ran over, apologizing for the wait with a perfectly whitened smile. Against her dark skin, her teeth were almost painful to look at. We ordered a bucket of Coronas, and pulled chicken nachos with extra jalapeños. As the server started to walk away, Walker flagged her down really quick, asking for extra limes with our beers. I bounced a little in my seat, delighted with his thoughtfulness and the fact he remembered that my Corona needed to be drowned in lime juice on beach days. It was those small gestures that reminded me how sweet Walker could be, and how good a friend he was.

Even though Cali had been a bitch about wanting to talk to the guys, she seemed to be enjoying their company. Walker and Mitch told story after story about drunken nights Cali and I couldn’t remember due to black outs. Mitch started in on one evening that was especially excruciatingly embarrassing for me, and I almost died from blushing and laughing at myself so hard.

Randy was out of town at some Army training session with Walker. Since I would most likely be bored in their absence, Mitch took Cali and I out with some of their other fraternity brothers. We took shot after shot, alternating with beers and mixed drinks while we line danced the night away. I barely remembered even getting to the bar, let alone boot stomping around the joint, but apparently Cali and I were the talk of The Saloon.

By the end of the night, I needed Mitch’s arms around me to stand up straight. Luckily, this was while Cali and I were roommates, and Mitch drove us home. Having to carry me into the house, Mitch tried to help me into bed. Before he could lay me down, I puked all over the both of us. Trying to be respectful, he carried me to the bathroom, turned the shower on and giving me five minutes, if I wasn’t out, he was going to have to come to my rescue.

Mitch changed into some of Randy’s clothes from my room and waited ten minutes. When I didn’t respond to his knocking, he opened the door, finding me passed out naked in the bottom of the shower with scolding water turning my skin pink. Apparently, Mitch stripped down to his boxers, showered the puke off of me and put me into bed.

The next morning I woke up not remembering a thing. Needless to say, it was one of those drunken college nights that mortified me, and my friends loved to tell the story over and over. Even years later, my cheeks flushed bright red. Luckily, the sun had already started turning me a little pink, so no one seemed to notice my embarrassment.

We sat, talking and drinking for a few more hours. It was like old times again. For a short time, the emptiness seemed to subside. By late afternoon, our skin had become angry at our drunken, sun baked Saturday. Our server trotted over to us with our seventh bucket of Coronas, informing us that it was shift change and she was about to be sent home. Taking it as a sign, we asked her for our check so she could close out her report, not wanting her to have to stick around just for us.

Ripping the check out of her hand before anyone else could grab it, I passed my card to our pleased server without even opening the book. Everyone sighed and started badgering me for always doing that. It was true, I hated other people paying for me and I loved being generous, especially with some drinks in me. I snickered at their frustration, wondering what we were going to do next; I was not ready to crash back into my melancholy reality just yet.

“Well, Mitch and I were thinking about going to get another tattoo. Want to tag along?” Walker fiddled with his keys, avoiding Mitch’s narrowed eyes, knowing he hated having an audience when he was getting inked. Walker on the other hand, loved company no matter what he was doing, and it was kind of tradition that I was with him every time he got a new tat since we had become friends.

I beamed at him in my drunkenness; I was elated to go on any type of adventure. “Yeah, for sure,” my emotion oozed through my words. “Want to go Cali?”

She stretched extravagantly and yawned. “It’s Kyle’s only night off this week. I think I better head home.” I could see all of the missed calls and texts that she had been ignoring from her husband, and couldn’t believe he put up with her ignoring him like that all day.

I frowned at her, not wanting our amazing day to end, and then wrapped her into a hug whispering, “Thanks for today. I really needed it.”

Cali squeezed back, telling me that it’s what best friends are for, and then said goodbye to the guys, too. We had parked a few blocks south of the bar and Cali decided to walk along the beach alone, refusing Walker’s offer to drive her. She claimed she needed the exercise, laughing a little. I didn’t question her further; Cali liked to do things for herself and when her mind was set on something there was no changing it. I wrapped my arms around her neck one more time and she set off for the beach.

7

Walker, Mitch and I finished the rest of the beers, then gathered our things and started to head out on our escapade. Walking to the parking lot, Walker put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his side.

He bent down, walking awkwardly as he rested his chin on my head. His voice was low and husky, making sure Mitch couldn’t hear from his three pace lead, the southern drawl more apparent in his beer drenched slurs. “Thanks for coming. I’m going to need your opinion on what to get. It’s always better when you’re there.”

He lightly pecked the top of my head and I playfully shoved my shoulder into him. His grip tightened, making sure to not let me get too far from his side. “I love going with you guys. It’s always entertaining watching grown men cry like little girls from the slightest hint of pain.” I was teasing him. Never having gotten a tattoo myself, I imagined they were extremely painful. “Maybe I’ll get one too.” The words escaped my mouth before I could stop them. I had always wanted one, but was very apprehensive about it. Not to mention, my pain tolerance was next to nothing.

Mitch stopped dead in his tracks. He turned around with a sly, mischievous expression spreading wildly on his face, ducking down to look me dead in the eye, his words came out as almost a challenge. “There is no way in hell I will believe that until I see it!” Mitch had not shaved for a few days and his prickly jaw line made him look rugged, almost sexy.

A playful smirk danced across my lips as I crossed my arms very matter-of-factly in response to his tone. Before even realizing what was exiting my lips, I was placing a bet with Mitch that if I went through with it, he’d pay for my first tattoo. Not wanting to be left out, and probably not wanting Mitch to have to pay for the whole thing either, Walker agreed to split the cost of it. And now, the pressure was on, and I realized quickly there was no turning back.

Luckily, I had a little bit of beer induced courage pulsing through me, so my instinct to run faded fast. I shrugged off the guys’ relentless teasing. “How bad could it really be? Both you two wimps are covered!”

Once we reached the tattoo shop, nerves were swimming around with the alcohol, causing my stomach to do backflips. I clung to Walker’s arm with both hands in a death grip as he led us into the shop. Every inch of the walls were covered with some type of artwork or tattoo example. The artists’ portfolios sat on a coffee table in the sitting area to the left of the entryway, along with a cracking black leather couch and a few gray folding chairs.

Two large overly pierced and tattooed women, who looked to be in their forties, wearing black leather from head to toe, were sipping out of beer bottles. They didn’t even seem to notice our entrance, never looking up from flipping through the binders. From a distance I heard the smaller of the two, in a deep, hormone induced tone say, “Nah, Kitten, get the skull on fire on your back, and I’ll get something that matches.” My attention was quickly diverted from my eavesdropping by Walker’s arm flexing in my grip to shake someone’s hand. Ugh, his muscles are amazing.

We were greeted at the front counter by an inordinately large older biker with a long white beard, bald head and tattoos covering every inch of his visible skin other than his face and parts of his neck. I could hear the buzz of guns jamming ink into skin in the back room; the sound sent shivers down my spine. Walker and Mitch greeted the guy who introduced himself as Calvin. Not too long before, Calvin had bought the shop and luckily kept most of the artists that worked there. Walker and Mitch both breathed out a sigh of relief when they were told that Jeff and Pete were still employed and not too busy to do some work on our little group. Walker had declared from the time of his first tattoo, that Jeff would be the only person to ink him and Mitch felt the same way about Pete.

Calvin checked all of our IDs and called into the back for Pete and Jeff. I had known what my first tattoo would be ever since I first went to the beach with Randy. We both loved the ocean and would enjoy it in any way possible. Randy’s favorite birds were sooty terns, always claiming he was jealous that they lived practically their whole lives out at sea. So, when the scary, biker jacket wearing shop owner turned to ask what I was getting, that is what I told him I wanted flying on my hip.

Walker chose to get a nautical compass to accompany the underwater scene on his lower leg. He had been working on that collage for a few years, and it was by far the best work he had on his body. Mitch planned to start a new sleeve on his left arm since all of the space on his other was full of dead gypsies, skulls and morbid looking flowers. The sleeve that he already had was breathtaking and the new one sounded like it was going to be just as beautiful but with a completely different theme. Mitch planned to get a pin-up style girl, posing seductively around an anchor on his forearm. I felt like it was a little cliché, but who was I to judge? Pete was a master at American traditional tattoos and Mitch’s idea was going to be spectacular.

I was practically shaking with anticipation as the guys chatted, and my mind started to grasp reality. Seeing the scared look on my face, Walker turned into me, pulling me tight to his warm body. It felt so inviting to be close to him, not to mention how fantastic he smelled, even after being in the hot sun all day. I took in a deep breath of cologne, beach and beer, relaxing into him. From behind me I heard two voices say hello to us. I knew the two artists well. When Jeff asked how I was doing, I realized he must have been told by Walker about Randy. I put on my most convincing smile and joked, “Well, I’m still breathing.” Walker jumped to my rescue and started to talk to Jeff about the piece he was thinking of and they turned to the counter where Jeff started to draw up a sketch on to tracing paper.

I was standing in the middle of the entryway watching Mitch and Pete talk about the pinup girl. They were pointing at Mitch’s arm where the girl would be and measuring out how much space she would take up. Suddenly, Calvin’s voice came booming from behind me, “Well, Little Lady, I think we need to find you a tattooer.” I turned around, trying to look calm and brave, but failing miserably while my knees and hands trembled. Out of the corner of my eye, Jeff popped up from his drawing.

“Mags, can I do it?” The shock mixing with excitement in Jeff’s face was contagious to me. I anxiously locked eyes with Jeff, not knowing if I was about to cry or laugh. Every type of emotion was running through my body. “That would be amazing, as long as Walker’s okay with it, of course!”

Walker smiled at me, walking over to wrap his arms around my waist. “I wouldn’t want anyone else to touch you.” His eyes had a lustful undertone that was all too intriguing, but I chose to ignore it and let my mind wander to my thrilled, scared heart, thumping with anticipation. He pulled me in a little tighter and breathed. “I’ll get mine done next time.” Turning to look at Jeff from over his shoulder, Walker’s voice got playfully stern. “I’m trusting you, man! Don’t fuck up!”

It was a little odd how touchy Walker had been these past few hours with me, but I couldn’t deny how comforting it was. I missed the companionship of my husband so much it physically hurt. Right now, that pain was subsiding, just enough to almost bring warmth back into my body. I gave Walker’s middle a quick squeeze then trotted over to the drawing table to tell Jeff the idea for my tattoo. Jeff scrolled through a few pictures of the seabird with me until I found one I loved, and he went to work drawing it onto transfer paper.

Before I could realize what was going on, I was lying on my side, my shorts undone, with Jeff putting the stencil on my hip. I got up gingerly, making sure my shorts didn’t fall off or mess up the outline, to go make sure I liked the almost-tattoo in the mirror. The bird looked like it was flying right off my hip bone. It was a little bigger than I was expecting, but stunning. I could not have imagined it any more perfect. Tears welled up in my eyes, full of all kinds of emotions, some I couldn’t even identify at the moment.

Walker and Mitch both gave Jeff a pat on the back and expressed their approval of the image. Mitch wrapped me up in one of his amazing bear hugs. “Mags, I’m shocked and proud. Sit like a champ. It’s going to be beautiful.” With that, Mitch sat on Pete’s chair to get his work done, and Walker pulled a chair up next to the cushioned table I’d be lying on, to offer a hand to squeeze for moral support. I got back down onto my side, bracing for the pain, and Walker settled into a comfortable position, taking both my hands into his. Mitch was in the seat behind me chatting away with Pete about life since their last session.  This reminded me of my therapy sessions with Dr. Davenport while listening to Mitch talk. It was so clear to me that coming to the shop was where the guys came for their type of therapy. I go to a shrink; they get ink jammed into their skin.

Jeff asked me if I was ready, handing me a lollipop to suck on so I didn’t bite my tongue. I nodded once, closed my eyes, and took in a deep breath. Without warning, the stinging sensation of the needle driving into my skin was intense. Chills and adrenaline started to cover my body as I squeezed Walker’s hands. Walker and Jeff talked, trying to include me into their conversation. My voice was trembling, and concentrating on anything other than keeping my body from shaking uncontrollably was out of the question. I couldn’t talk to them, I just had to let my mind go blank, blocking out everything, including the pain. I had gotten so good at blocking out my emotions that it was pretty easy for me. I just shut my eyes and concentrated on Walker’s hands grasped around mine, with his thumb slowly drawing circles on my overly sensitive skin. I stayed in that almost trance for the rest of my session, allowing myself to just be at peace and in the moment for the first time in ages.

Suddenly, the pain stopped and I realized the buzzing noise from the gun had ceased. I looked over to see Pete and Mitch hovering over me, and Jeff getting up to stretch his back out. Walker’s face turned quickly into excitement as his eyes flicked from mine to my hip. “Wow, Jeff, sick work! Mags, you’ve got a masterpiece on your side.” Walker helped me off the table and guided me to the full-length mirror to see my sooty tern in flight. I gasped and thanked Jeff profusely as a wave of emotion flooded my eyes, hot tears streaming down my face. I couldn’t help but feel like Randy was here and his grip on my sorrow was starting to release. I felt like this was a little piece of him that was never going to go away and that was all he needed to be at peace.

After going over the aftercare instructions with Jeff, and watching Mitch’s pin-up girl gain color, we headed back to my house. Mitch declined my offer for beer and food, claiming he had too much fun for one day. Walker, of course, could never turn down grub and booze, happily following me up the front steps after hugging his little brother goodbye. I always thought it was so wonderful how much they cared about each other, and were never shy about expressing it, especially after Randy’s death. When I asked Walker about it a while back, he just explained that he never wanted to miss another opportunity for his friends to know how much he truly loved and cared about them.

“Want me to order the food?” Walker’s sly grin crept up as he saw my hand rubbing my hip, not realizing he even asked me a question. “Mags? You okay?”

I slammed my eyes shut, quickly taking in a sharp breath, the burning wave of angry skin screaming to be rid of its permanent paint was incredibly discomforting, but tried to smile. “Yeah, why?”

He started to make his way to the kitchen. “Give me a second. I’ll make you feel better.” He came back into the living room, sitting on the couch with a cup of ice, hand soap, and paper towels. “Mags, come lie down,” He patted the cushion next to him as his gaze dipped to my tender hip bone, “I’m going to help that stinging stop.”

I did as instructed, unzipping my shorts and pulling up my shirt to expose the black bandage covering my raw inked skin. Walker was an absolute gentleman, to my surprise. It was not in Walker’s normal character to be good when a girl was half naked lying down in front of him. He removed the bandage and rubbed the cold ice on my angry skin to help the stinging cease, and the swelling to go down, then washed it and patted my tattooed side dry. I moaned with relief and I could see the lustful desire in his eyes while he listened to my groans of pleasure, but he never made an advance.

“There.” He looked down at me, thirst consuming in his eyes as his tongue traveled slowly over his lower lip. “Is that better?” I sat up and nodded, thankfully. “That is so much better.”

I fixed my clothes and ordered a large pie, well done pie with pepperonis and black olives from my favorite Italian place just up the street. Walker grabbed both of us beers from the fridge and pulled me into his side to cuddle on the couch. I relaxed into his warm, strong body, wondering what would have happened just then if I hadn’t been his late best friend’s widow. My mind played out the seductive scene the ice would have brought on, and I felt my entire body shiver with desire. Just when my imagination started to run with the ideas, and my body acted to betray the platonic-only line Walker and I had, the doorbell was rung by the pizza delivery guy. Damn, right when everything was about to get interesting.

8

The darkness of night still blanketed the room when I was slowly awoken by the shallow breaths of someone lying next to me. My eyes shot open like a puppet as my mind raced to understand what was happening. I felt feverishly over my body, realizing I was completely naked. Jumping out of bed, I turned the light on my nightstand on as fast as I could. Huffing in my exertion, terror coursed through my body as Walker groggily pulled his head off the pillow groaning, “Babe, come back to bed and turn that damn light off.” I stood, paralyzed, holding my naked body in the middle of my floor, shivering. It took a few seconds, but I finally was able to form words for my anger and confusion. “Walker? What the fuck…”

The faint sound of buzzing started to bring me into the reality of the morning, waking up alone in my bed to daylight. The annoying buzzing continued while I looked around my empty bed, making sure I had just been having a terrible dream before. My cell flopped off my comforter in my fit of craziness, right into my lap. I sighed when I saw through slotted eyes the title of 'mother' glaring at me. Unwillingly, I answered the call.

“Yeah.” That was all I could muster. I hadn’t spoken to my mother since our fight and was still really pissed at her. Childish in its own way, but I felt like I deserved to hold onto this one.

“Honey?” My mom’s voice was sharp; a hint of worry laced the tone.

“Yeah, Mom?” I was not in the mood to chat, especially not with her, and I hoped my voice did a good job of expressing my aggravation.

“It’s just you’ve not been responding and I wanted to make sure you had enough groceries and that I didn’t need to send the maid again.”

“Mom, I told you I need my space. I’m a big girl. I can feed myself and clean my home. Please leave me alone.”

“Okay, sorry for loving you.” Her martyr attitude irked me and I hung up without dignifying it with a response.

I nestled back down into my pillow-topped mattress, getting my covers just right and let myself fall back into a light sleep for a while. My peacefulness was broken when the sound of my door shutting softly freaked me out, making me shoot up into a sitting position, staring right into Walker’s deer-in-the-headlights expression.

“Sorry, Mags. Didn’t mean to startle you.” His hand rubbed the back of his neck in nervousness. “I was just going to come up and make sure your tattoo was okay and that you were feeling alright...” His voice trailed off timidly, pausing for a moment before continuing. “We had a lot to drink yesterday…”

I yawned and stretched before responding, “I’ll jump in the shower soon and take care of my tat, it's not too bad.” I smiled warmly, and patted the bed next to me. “Did you sleep on the couch?”

Climbing under the covers next to me, he nodded. “Yeah, we got pretty lit last night.”

I curled up into his arms, nuzzling into his bare chest, breathing in his warm, sweet skin. We shifted until we were in the perfect, comfortable position. “Yeah, I don’t remember much after the pizza got here and we had a couple of beers.”

Walker chuckled a little in my ear. “You didn’t miss much. You passed out, pizza in hand, after you made us take a few shots of Jack. So I brought you up here, held you for a little while you cried in your sleep. Once you stopped, I went back downstairs and slept there, not wanting to be too far if you needed me again.”

I let my head fall into the crook of his shoulder and neck, breathing in his amazing scent of cologne, beer, and sun baked skin again; it was still fantastically intoxicating. “You’re amazing,” I whispered right next to his cheek, letting my lips graze the light stubble of his jaw line. I closed my eyes and then kissed him quickly, before cuddling back down in his arms. I was so comfortable while he held me, the anger of my conversation with my mother, and the terrible heartache faded.

We dozed off for about an hour before a phone’s vibrations woke me up again. This time it was Walker’s. I looked at the phone on my nightstand and saw it was Mitch, so without thinking about the time or how it might seem, I answered the phone, trying to not wake Walker.

“Hey Mitch, its Mags. What’s up?” I gently slid out of Walker’s embrace to finish the call from my bathroom, trying to be polite.

“Mags? Is Walker at your place this early? I thought he got there later on Sundays.” His voice was sterner than I was expecting but I brushed it off. Walker and I were platonic, innocent friends; Mitch was the last person I thought would ever suspect otherwise.

“We drank some more after you dropped us off. Walker slept on the couch and is still sleeping.” I figured I shouldn’t volunteer where, that might look bad. “I can tell him you called if you want, or is there something you need?”

“Um, can I come over? I don’t want to be alone. Y’all are my best friends. I kind of need you.” His voice broke off, becoming more and more desperate with every word. I figured it was not the time to start asking questions, Mitch would explain everything when he got over. “Yeah of course, you don’t even have to ask. See you soon. I’ll make us breakfast or something.”

“Okay, uh, thanks Mags. See you soon.”

“Of course. Drive safe.”

I hung up the phone, creeping into my room again, hoping to be quiet enough not to wake Walker. I was startled when his voice broke the silence from behind me while I was attempting to sneak out the door.

“Sneaking off on me? I see how it is.” His sexy half grin complimented his accusing raised eyebrow perfectly. “I knew holding you would be too good to last.” His face was hellishly playful as his nostrils flared and his eyes darkened fixating on my entire body.

Slowing rolling my hips, locking my eyes with his, I stroke back over to him curled up in my sheets, I almost forgot about Mitch, our unspoken rule to be platonic, and everything else in the world. In that moment I was so attracted to him, my body ached, a feeling I hadn’t had in what seemed like forever. Then, in a split second, his face turned questioning, as he pointed to his phone in my hand.

Sheepishly, I looked down at it, letting my smoldering desire cool and told him about my conversation with Mitch, explaining my reason for trying to sneak out without disturbing his peaceful sleep. “I know how much you enjoy my bed.” I felt my cheeks flare red, remembering my almost sex dream I had just hours before. “I didn’t want to deprive you of comfortable sleep.”

He stretched his arms out to hold me again, but I declined. “Mitch will be here any moment. He thinks you’re on the couch. Get your ass downstairs.” His shoulders sank as he tried to pout, but he couldn’t argue. The line had to be drawn by one of us all of time; it just usually was not me who needed to do it.

He got up and stretched quickly, his bare torso flexed beautifully in the sun rays beaming in from my extra-large window. My mind started flipping through all of the things I wanted to do to his body and everything mine longed to feel him do and I decided to take a shower, a cold one, for that matter.

When I got downstairs after my cool down session, I walked into a very solemn scene of Walker sitting next to Mitch on the couch with his hand on Mitch’s shoulder. Mitch’s head was cradled in his hands. Two shot glasses were empty next to the open bottle of the amber liquid that saves all of us when we need it. I fluttered down on the other side of Mitch, resting my head on his back, breathing slowly. “Little brother? What’s wrong?”

I could feel Mitch’s shallow sobs echoing through his body. Walker spoke for him. “He caught Eva cheating this morning.” Walker’s voice was stern and cold; a serpent’s hiss from a forked tongue dripping with poison could not have been more evil nor angry.

I sat holding Mitch’s trembling body. Eva was Mitch’s stepmother, who had raised him from the time he was an infant. Mitch’s mother died during childbirth from hemorrhaging. Eva was her nurse, and helped put Buck, Mitch’s father, back together after the death. Buck and Mitch really cared about Eva; she was kind of the glue that kept their little family together.

“Last night after I dropped you guys off I decided to head over to Dad’s instead of driving the extra twenty minutes to my place…” His voice trailed off, getting more cold and shallow when he finally continued. “Apparently Dad had to work the third shift at the yard last night and Eva had…company.” That last word was soaked in disdain as it fell hard into the room.

Even though it was ten in the morning, Walker filled up the two shot glasses again and handed one to Mitch and the other to me, coolly frowning and pursing his lips. “I think y’all could use these.” After I took the glass, Walker leaned behind Mitch’s back and brushed my cheeks off. I jumped at his touch; I hadn’t even realized I had been crying right along with Mitch.

We raised our glasses together, letting them clank, and the liquid washed away a twinge of the edge of the sorrow engulfing us. Goose bumps spread over my body while I cringed. I guess my body wasn’t expecting that one this early.

Standing, worried the whiskey was going to come right back up from my empty stomach, I realized we all needed some breakfast. It had been a crazy twenty-four hours and none of us had eaten or slept properly, for various reasons.

“I’m going to make us some breakfast. Want to come into the kitchen, guys?” They both got up and joined me, bringing the bottle along, sitting at the table, fury screaming from their tone and Mitch’s fits occasionally slamming down on the oak table. I started off by brewing some dark roast, making all of us Irish coffees to continue with the theme of the morning. A sense of relief came over me to be taking care of someone else for a change, not that I was happy about the reason for the guys to be at my house in their pissed and saddened state. It was almost a relief to not be the center of the pity but the giver of advice and warm words.

I put out a colossal platter of French toast, bacon, and a whole pitcher full of Irish brew onto the table and we all dug in, even though it took a little bit of coaxing to get Mitch to eat. The smell of cinnamon, maple and bacon grease was the perfect combination to make anyone’s stomach grumble.

We sat in silence, eating, not making eye contact, until Mitch finally broke the silence. “How the fuck am I going to tell my dad?” Walker and I froze, slack-mouthed, not sure what to say. There was no good way to go about telling someone that their angel had burnt wings. I reached across the light wood table, grabbing both his hands in mine. “Mitch, you know you have to tell him. Why don’t you ask him to come over here? Or we can go with you?”

Walker and Mitch both shook their heads in unison. Mitch’s words were quick to shoot down my ideas. “Dad has pride, Mags. It’d hurt more if he knew he wasn’t the first to know.”

Walker looked at Mitch, seeming to ponder if he should ask the next question, but it came out anyway. “So what actually happened last night? The whole story; maybe we can come up with the best way to break it to him instead of: ‘Hey Buck, Eva’s a whore and you need to leave her ass.’”

Mitch nodded. He started in telling us about him pulling up to his parents' home and there being a dark blue Cadillac that Mitch recognized in the driveway, belonging to Buck's business partner. Assuming that his folks were entertaining their friends, Mitch didn’t think anything of it and snuck in through the side door to not disturb the party. It wasn’t unusual for Mitch to drop by and crash in his old room from time to time, so this was nothing new for him. When Mitch got to the top of the stairs he heard his stepmother giggling and the low tone of a lustful man’s voice coming from the guest room.

“At least they had the fucking decency to use a different room than Dad’s. When I walked up to the door, in a rage I kicked it open, breaking it in half to find Eva butt ass naked on her damn knees like a ten-cent hooker.” At that point of the story Mitch was pacing from the kitchen to the living room, shouting at the top of his lungs.

We determined that, even though the story was going to hurt, it needed to be told fully and truthfully. Buck was being lied to by his wife, it wasn’t fair for his son to lie too. Walker felt it was for the best if they got him while Buck was still at work. So they left, Walker driving Mitch to give his father some of the worst news a son had to reveal. They both said their goodbyes and thanked me for the breakfast. I sent them on their way with travel cups full of plain black coffee, hoping it would help mask the smell of yesterday’s and the morning’s beverage consumption.

Once the guys were gone I figured since I had refused the maid and my mother’s help, I should clean and do some grocery shopping. I made my list and then got to scrubbing my bathroom until it was sparkling. I worked my way through the entire house, dusting, vacuuming, mopping. I even did all of my mounds of laundry. Once all of my clothes were hung and shoved in drawers, I poured myself a glass of wine and relaxed in my lemony-fresh kitchen. The table was even polished enough that I could see my reflection in it. A wonderful sigh of relief came over me when the brick-red beverage hit the back of my throat. I hadn’t done anything that productive for just myself in as long as I could remember. It was amazing to be able to relish in a job well done.

I finished my victory wine and headed for the grocery story. On my way there, I got a phone call from Walker, letting me know that he had Buck and Mitch in the truck and they were heading for the Katz' home to ‘kick the bitch out’. I told him that I was proud of all three of them and that they needed to keep me posted on how it all went.

By the time I had half of my list crossed off, Mitch had texted me with relief. Apparently, he had scared Eva so bad by catching her, that all of her stuff was gone and a note was left for Buck on the counter. The note went into a long bullshit story about how their marriage had been crumbling for years, and that she didn’t love the business partner, and was leaving him too. Eva took a train for Las Vegas where her brother was a dancer in some drag show, to start over and follow her dreams. I wasn’t sure what dreams she had, but the slutty reputation of Vegas seemed to be perfectly fitting for the whore she had become.

9

Sitting in my therapist’s waiting room for my second session was just as nerve-racking as the first. Waiting was one of the most uncomfortable and annoying things possible, making my nerves build with every ticking minute. Being punctual by nature, I felt as if the rest of the world should follow suit.

Trying to pass the time, I flipped through the various magazines from the table in front of me and slurped coffee I bought from the coffee shop right next door. The aroma of caramel hazelnut dark-roast filled the small, boring waiting room, and brought me into a happy relaxed state. I read through a lengthy article of a scandalous love triangle one young starlet had found herself in with two men old enough to be her father. Reading through it, I could understand why housewives across the country enjoyed these juicy gossip articles, it was quite intriguing.

The door to Candice Davenport’s office swung open. The sound of shuffling feet broke my concentration, right as the story was getting good. I watched the same melancholy fellow exit her office, with the same awful look plastered on his face, his expression shallow, almost evil. Nevertheless, Candice was smiling when our eyes met.

I took my position opposite my therapist’s light leather chair, realizing how adorable her outfit was as she rummaged on her desk for a pen. Dr. Davenport was adorned in cute teal kitten heels, a dark blue blazer with a canary yellow camisole, and an off white pencil skirt. Tying it all together was her clunky necklace and bracelet that were the same teal and yellow from her ensemble. I was glad she dressed in such cheery clothes, and wondered if she did it on purpose to try to bring bright, happy colors in to the dreary minds of the depressed that flooded in every day.

Dr. Davenport finally settled down into her enormous chair, pen and paper at the ready. “So how was your week, Margret?”

I let out a little sigh, not really knowing where to start. “You can call me Mags. Everyone does.”

Through her thick framed glasses, I could see her gaze soften. “Mags, it is then. And call me Candice. Dr. Davenport is very stuffy.” She snubbed her nose at her own name, making both of us giggle.

Finding myself lost for words, I looked around the room, a little uneasy, trying to rack my brain on what to say, where to start, what to bring up. “I’m really new to all this, what are we supposed to talk about?” I felt like I needed a little bit of handholding.

Warmly, Candice told me we could talk about anything I’d like. “Anywhere from what is angering you, making you happy. Love, hate, the weather. Use me as your outlet, if you will. I am an unbiased audience at your disposal.”

Mitch’s situation was really weighing on me, and that was something I needed to get off my chest. I told her the entire adulterous tale, realizing how horrible Mitch must have felt. This led right into why it hit so close to home for me, and into my mother and how our relationship was. I happily divulged the fact that my mom and I were not speaking and how that came about. I told her how it was really all my father’s fault for breaking her down into such a weak woman, and I resented the fact that she was never strong for me.

I paused at my own realization. I had never let myself talk like that about my parents’ divorce before. For that matter, I had never realized I felt abandoned by not just my father, but my mother as well, for all those years she was “emotionally unavailable,” as Candice had put it.

Candice paused from her furious writing for a moment. Her words came out almost hushed. “Do you think this might be why it’s been so difficult for you to let go of Randy? Maybe it’s too distressing to think that the abandoning is a vicious cycle?”

My back grew rigid and I broke eye contact with her, almost shocked by my therapist’s idea. I had always thought I was well-adjusted, stronger than my mother, able to cope with life. It was uncomfortable to think I might not be; that I might just be too scared to be hurt again. I stared at my feet, nervously thumbing the seam of my maroon button down. “I’d never thought about it like that, I guess. It might be that way. I don’t really know.”

Looking up at me with a sympathetic gaze, Candice shifted a little in her chair. “Are you lonely at home?”

Her words sounded foreign to me. Am I lonely? I have no idea. I don’t think so, but who can tell? My house is empty now, but that is to be expected when the other occupant dies suddenly. I had been prepared for it to be empty for a while, during Randy’s deployment, but I always assumed the void would be filled again. It wasn’t that I was lonely, I was just wading in the realization of him never filling our home with love again.

For the most part, I had been numb, just fumbling through the motions, not letting myself be anything other than sad or mad for months. But lonely was not something I had considered. “No, I guess not. I miss having Randy around all the time, but Cali, Mitch, and Walker do a good job at distracting me.” I shrugged a little and tried to calm my rigid body. I hadn’t noticed how uncomfortably I had been sitting; but then I could feel my ass was falling asleep.

Thinking back on the last couple of days, and how brilliant it had been to have Walker so close, maybe it was loneliness or emptiness bringing me closer to him. The notion settled me down a little, making me feel less guilty for the misguided feelings of longing I had in those stolen moments with Walker on the couch and in my bed.

Candice leaned over, putting her elbows on her knees, clasping her hands together. She looked deeply into my eyes. “Mags, I do not feel that living alone is in your best interest right now. Would you consider moving in with someone or having someone live with you?”

“I’d never thought about something like that before. I don’t have to worry about paying my bills. I make plenty of money, so I never needed a roommate. Do you really think it would help?” My face twisted with confusion, making my brow crease. I didn’t like the idea of having to share my space with someone else.

I finally agreed that I should, at least, consider having someone move in with me. I had made it quite clear there was no way I was going to move out of my home. I had become too attached, and there was frankly no way I could stomach selling my home now.

We shifted gears one more time before the end of the session, talking about a happy memory that shot through my mind, begging to spill out.  It was one night that always warmed my heart, and I loved telling the story to anyone who would listen. After Randy’s death, it barely crossed my mind, but right when the words dripped from my tongue, warmth and love spread over my body, relaxing me as I melted into the memories.

Being in a sorority during college, Cali and I attended what was called chapter. Every Sunday evening, we had a meeting to discuss different things going on at school, with our philanthropy, and within our chapter. This particular night was pretty boring, all the way up until the end. Cali and I kept nodding off through droning minutes and various motions about how our grades needed to start improving, and how nationals was closing down a chapter at some college in the Midwest none of us had ever heard of.

At the end of the meeting, our president, a skinny, tall redhead named Mackie Gerhardt, announced there was going to be a circle that evening. Instantly the buzz of whispers bounced off the walls in the chapter room. Everyone was wondering who it could be for. Cali and I looked at each other with puzzled grins, trying to figure it out ourselves.

A circle was held at the end of the chapter to honor a sister that had just been given a promise ring, gotten engaged, or was given her fraternity boyfriend’s letters on a necklace called a lavaliere. There was a candle lit and we would pass it around the circle of sisters, singing. When the song was over, the girl who it was for would blow out the candle. The best part about all of it was the president and the woman of honor were the only ones who knew, so it was always a big surprise. After the sister revealed herself, she would get into the middle of the circle and tell us how her beau gave the new shiny piece of jewelry to her. It was always heart warming and a great chance for girls to try to one-up each other.

We all gathered around, started to sing, and passed the candle around the room. The song kept going and everyone was anxiously anticipating who it was going to be for. We knew from the song that one of our sisters had gotten a lavaliere, but we kept singing away and no one was claiming their candle.

Suddenly, the doors to our chapter room swung open, and Randy was standing in the doorway smiling. My heart jumped. He coolly walked over to Michelle, my sister about ten girls down from me who was still holding the candle. Taking it from her, Randy winked at her quickly, and brought the candle to me. He held it up and whispered, “Blow it out, baby!” I did, and he kissed me softly on the forehead as tears started to pool in my eyes. Randy then reached into his pocket, pulled out a thin silver necklace with his fraternity letters glistening in the light. Tears of surprise and excitement streamed down my cheeks as he put the necklace around my neck, and my entire body shook. Smiling down at me, Randy wiped the tears from my cheeks and told me he would love me forever. All of the girls were giggling and excitedly whispering about how sweet Randy was.

When my story was finished, I felt Candice shove a tissue into my hand, then I heard her blow her nose. “That really is a beautiful memory.” Her eyes were wet, but she had a soft grin on her lips.

“Yeah, he really was something else.” I tried to turn the corners of my lips up, but failed miserably, wiping the tears from my cheeks, chin and chest.

“Well, Mags, I will see you next week. I think we can call this session a success.”

I waved at her as I made my way to Randy’s old truck. I sat in the parking lot for a few minutes, decompressing from my emotional roller coaster ride. My mind went over all of the points from our session, and I thought maybe I should start taking notes too. Smiling widely, seeing Randy’s kind eyes with that stupid candle in his hands, gave me a wonderful warm feeling that lasted all the way to my front door. Turning the key to my house, I paused. Who the hell am I going to be able to talk into moving in with a complete fucking basket case like me?

10

I climbed onto my couch, glass of Pinot Noir in hand, replaying my conversation with Candice again. How could she think she knows how I am at home? How could she tell me I shouldn’t be alone? Maybe she's right. The house was intolerable to be in; it almost felt hollow, just like the pit of my stomach. The feeling of helplessness washed over me, settling in, becoming overwhelmed by my own thoughts.  I melted into a puddle of tears and wine, throwing yet another pity party for myself. There wasn’t a handbook given to me at Randy’s funeral. Being the widow of a soldier was something I was not prepared to be, especially so young.

Flicking on the TV for some white noise, I forced myself not to think about what my plan was going to be. There’s always tomorrow. I sighed, and curled up in the fluffy comfort of my peach-colored throw. I rounded off my forced relaxation by topping off my wine glass, a TV dinner of lasagna, and an overly girlie romantic comedy.

Throughout the next day at work, I was thankful for the craziness of my workload. My desk was piled high with unemployment documents I had to sort through. I gladly dove into the sea of papers, getting as much done as possible. The distraction from my life outside the hospital was a welcome vacation for my mind every day. But, sadly, all good things come to an end and five o’clock came before I knew it.

Sitting in the parking lot, not really ready to start driving, I was too lost in thought about the solution to my predicament. I knew it was in my best interest to at least try to find a roommate, but wasn’t sure who could put up with me, or I them, day in and day out. Then, a light bulb went off as I started the old ford engine, Walker! I grinned a little. It’s perfect! He was just as lonely as I was, and one of my best friends. I would have asked Cali, but she was married and we tried to live together during college. It didn’t go very well. I was actually shocked Cali and I were still close after our roommate-hood crumbled into a pit of drama.

Without thinking through my little epiphany, my phone was dialing Walker, and I heard his deep southern voice on the other end. For some reason a smile burst across my face as I heard his drawl. "Hey Mags, how's it going?"

I could hear he was smiling too. I wondered if it was me who made that happen, and the thought flushed my cheeks.

"Walker, I have a question." My heart started pounding, but I made myself shake off the nerves fluttering through me. Feeling this way while talking to Walker recently was still confusing and I paused, second guessing if this was a good idea or not. Not letting myself change the subject, I continued the conversation as planned. I dove right into how my therapist‘s suggestion and how I couldn’t think of anyone who would ever want to live with a basket case like me.

Not even letting me get to asking, in a warm tone, Walker answered, "Of course I'll move in and help your crackpot-self get back on track. Honestly, I could probably use the company myself. As long as you treat me better than you did Cal, I don’t know if my skin is as tough as y’all’s.”

I was practically giddy with relief. "Wow, that’s a load off. Want to come over later and hammer out the details?" We made plans for eight, and with that, I felt like a little bit of a weight had been lifted.

As I put the Ford in drive, I stopped myself from doubting the hasty decision I’d just made. How bad could it really be? It really was going to be nice to have a guy around the house again. I needed to figure something out, anyway. The limbo that had been consuming my life lately needed to be shaken up. Pulling into my driveway, I resolved to making the best of this, and that my therapist had to know best. In the back of my mind, I couldn’t help but be apprehensive about sharing my personal space, but it wasn’t like Walker would be sharing my room.

My house was way too big for just me. Randy and I had purchased it right after our wedding, with the idea of filling it with the four or five children we wanted to have. It had five bedrooms, four and half bathrooms, living room, dining room, family room, a detached garage I used as storage and parking for my unused Mercedes, and a converted garage Randy was planning on making into his office slash man cave when he got back from deployment. Needless to say, all of the rooms, other than my bedroom and the common spaces where left untouched.

Opening the front door, I threw my briefcase and purse on top of the side table and kicked my heels off, shoving them underneath it. I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a needed glass of wine. It was the end of my bottle, and frowning, I grabbed my phone to text Walker to see if he could bring some from Liz. She and I always traded back and forth when one of our stashes ran low.

I glanced at the time on my phone when Walker texted back saying he was able to scrounge up a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and would bring it over with him. A twinge of nerves ran down my spine as I anticipated his arrival in ten minutes. My mind raced and I tried to calm myself, remembering how great a friend he had always been to Randy and me. How I couldn’t have lived without him recently. How, sadly enough, he was the only one I trusted in Randy’s home.

The doorbell rang; I took a deep breath, and answered it.

"Mags, how are ya, roomie?" Walker was smiling, leaning on the doorjamb, holding the bottle of wine, Chinese takeout and a Redbox rental. He was wearing a tight-fitting green V-neck, the sleeves clinging to his biceps perfectly, just barely showing his upper right arm tattoo of a black tip shark swimming through a reef. The rest of his artwork was covered by his clothes and I bit my lip, thinking of them all. I knew his sinewy body well from accompanying him and Randy for their ink sessions, and all of our time spent fishing or at the beach together. I couldn’t help but notice how handsome he looked in green, bringing out his breathtaking eyes.

I invited him in, giggling to myself with the realization of being a widow and now having a roommate; it was utterly ass-backwards to me. He walked in and set everything in the living room while I went to grab plates from the kitchen. Before I could even get the dishes out of the cabinet, Walker was standing right behind me. "This is going to be interesting. I can hear Randy cursing at me with a closed fist from heaven.

I smiled and gestured towards the living room, "Come on, roomie, it's not like we're sleeping together," I looked up to the ceiling. "Don’t worry, babe, this is chiefly because of doctor's orders."

Walker stared at the floor, with a wilted look I'd never seen before.

"What's up, Walker? Why the long face?"

He dug his hands further into his pockets, shrugging his shoulders. "Just miss him, that’s all," He smiled, shaking off his foul expression, and plopped onto the couch.

We gobbled down our dinners and laughed at the top of our lunges at the stupid comedy he picked out. The evening flew by effortlessly. It was times like that where my guilt of being alive settled in. I felt bad for trying to live a happy, full life, while my heart was buried in a dead man’s chest.

"That movie was awful! You're picking out the next one, Mags." Walker stood up to stretch, scratching his full belly.

I nodded with agreement. "So, when are you going to move in?"

Walker's light green eyes seemed to be reading my expression while he paused, finally answering with a tooth-filled smile, "Whenever you want. This is all up to you. I’ll be glad to be out of that musty converted den, finally." Walker had originally planned on moving back to Nowhere, Georgia when he came home, but never went through with it. I always silently felt guilty, almost responsible for his decision to stick around. Walker always said he couldn’t make anywhere else home anymore. He never really talked about his family much, so I just left it alone, figuring they were a sore subject.

I met his gaze with a warm grin. "How about tomorrow? I already cleaned out the guest room."

He agreed and said he'd get a few buddies to help him while I was at work the next day. We said our goodnights and he kissed me on the forehead while we hugged goodbye. "By this time tomorrow you'll be regretting your decision, watch!"

He and I both laughed. "Want to bet?" I grinned, waved goodbye as he trotted down the steps and then locked the door.

I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something felt different, in me, in the house, in Walker. I wasn’t sure which it was, or if it was a combination of it all, but I was finding a new appreciation for the intuition of Candice and her little button nose.

The next day was a blur of paper pushing and phones ringing off the hook. A combination of nerves and excitement kept me preoccupied all day. The clock ticked by at a snail's pace, and finally five o'clock came. I slid into the driver’s seat of my Mercedes, uncomfortable to be driving it, but I left Randy’s truck, just in case Walker needed it. I knew he wasn’t going to, since he was not moving furniture and the houses were within walking distance, but I felt like I needed to help, try to at least, in some way. When I pulled into my driveway, Walker was sitting on my front porch, smoking a cigarette. "Hey Mags, how was work?"

"Ugh, long, boring. How did it go? All settled in?" I waltzed towards him, relishing in how good it was to have a warm greeting upon my arrival again.

"Yeah, pretty much. Want to go grab a drink later at The Saloon to celebrate like we would have in college?" He looked down at me with a slight, stood up straight, smoothing out his cotton shirt.  Damn, he could be so attractive. Flicking the butt of his Newport into the ashtray, he let his eyebrow rise to question my delayed response.

"Oh, what the hell!” I matched Walker’s smothering glare, licking my lips slightly, and wrapping my arms around his neck. "I'll go get changed and we can grab some food first.” Chills passed over me when his hand glided into mine, our eyes meeting, and for a split second I was reminded of how attracted I actually was to him. “Come on, soldier. Let's go into our house."

Once we were inside, we stood and stared at each other for a moment. Seeing that I was smoldering under his gaze, Walker released my hand and sat on the couch. "I'll watch TV while you get ready."

I pulled on my favorite boot-cut dark blue jeans, and a white tank top, checking myself out in the mirror. I lost a lot of weight from my lack of healthy nutrition. I almost looked sick. I had always been athletic, very strong, but skinny. Most of my muscle definition had disappeared, and my collarbone stuck out a little too far.

I frowned while pulling my dark brown cowboy boots on. I left my hair down and straight, it was so long, the ends were almost touching my belt. I did my makeup into a dark smoky eye and dabbed a light layer of blush over my cheeks. Finally happy with what I saw in the mirror, I had to admit, I looked half way alive now, more in my element at the very least.

"Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?" I jumped at Walker's murmur behind me in the doorway.

"Walker! Don’t do that! You scared the shit out of me." I had been alone in my house for so long that it was going to take some adjusting to get used to having a roommate.

He scowled, crossing his arms. "I didn’t mean to. I thought you could hear me pounding up those hollow ass stairs."

I took a few steps closer to him, did a twirl and kissed him on the cheek. "You're sweet. Sorry for yelling. Let's go, I'm starving!"

Walker dug his keys out of his pocket and we were out the door for our first "roomie adventure”, as Walker named it.

At dinner, we drank over a bottle of cheap Italian wine, and gnashed on steaks and mashed potatoes. By the time we got to The Saloon, it was packed with people line dancing up a storm. I smiled and pointed over to the back bar where we spent most of our college years. Walker nodded, grabbing my hand to lead me through the crowd.

A little blonde bartender came scooting over to us as we took the only two empty seats. "Why, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes, Walker!" She batted her eyelashes at him, and then smiled at me with a twinge of disgust, asking through gritted teeth what I’d be drinking.

I smiled, not caring for her distasteful look or tone. “I’ll have whatever he’s having, darling.”

She glared at me through menacing slits before turning to reach into the cooler. She spun around and slammed two Budweiser bottles onto the bar, winked at Walker with a playful grin, and then retreated to the other end of the bar.

“What was that about? Is she another notch in the old belt?" I giggled; the wine already starting to loosen me up.

Walker started to peel the label off his bottle, biting his lip. "Not all of us find true love freshman year, darling. I know I've been around a little too much in this town to take you anywhere. Sorry," He sighed, glanced over at the blonde hothead, and then slammed his beer back, drinking it all.

The little blonde popped over and opened another beer, angrily snarling, "Should I just keep them coming for you and your girl?"

"Yeah, it's for the best. Start a tab, will ya, Cindy?"

She nodded, going over to her computer to type in our order. I felt bad for the computer screen; she was jabbing at it, probably pretending it was Walker’s, or my, eyeballs.

"Why didn’t you tell her we aren’t together?" Walker had never turned down a repeat customer, even if they were a bad lay. If I’d learned anything about Walker while he was Randy's roommate it was that he was a complete horn-dog, and I was lucky to be taken by his best friend.

"Maybe I don’t want her to think we're not. She was a terrible fuck and started asking to go out on dates. I don’t date. I sleep with ’em, but I don’t care about ’em." He grabbed my hand. "Want to play with her a little?"

Looking down at our entwined fingers, I looked up into Walker’s gorgeously playful eyes. “I don’t know Walker. She’s harmless, isn’t she?”

A devilish grin spread across his drunken face, “Awe, come on, it ain’t gonna hurt anyone.  It’s all in good fun.”

With a deep breath, I figured it might be fun to play along and get a little closer to Walker, even if it was make believe. "Yeah, for sure, why the hell not? She was a bitch in the first place." I shrugged, teasingly giggling and smiling at Walker, starting our little game off. He leaned over and kissed my cheek for a little longer than usual. My face flushed against his warmth, and I took his hand.

My eyes bore into Cindy’s as I curled my fingers through Walker’s a little more tightly. She stormed off into the bathroom and Walker chuckled. “That’ll teach her. She’s only mad because she knows you’re prettier than she is.”

I smirked, slightly shaking my head. “Walker, you’re just saying that. You don’t have to flatter me just because we’re roommates now.” My bottle was empty, so I diverted from the strange look on Walker’s face to try and find another bartender. It was almost lustful, with a hint of shame and sadness as he glanced down at the bar, rubbing his stumbled jaw with his free hand. It pained me how sad his eyes were all the time. I gestured to the other bartender for two more beers, and they arrived quickly. “Apparently, you come here a lot,” I joked, but Walker just kept his blank stare.

It wasn’t until I went to reach for my beer that I realized we were still holding hands. “Sorry.” I bit my lip, slowly taking my hand away. “I wouldn’t want to cock block you for too long.” I let out a forced sigh when I saw the frustration in Walker’s face.

“I have to stop thinking every once in a while,” he snapped, coldly. “All sex is for me is a distraction. Besides, you do enough thinking for the both of us.”

It was clear that, somehow, I hit a nerve, but I couldn’t figure out how. Walker and I always joked and carried on. He gestured to Cindy to come back over. “Two shots of Jack straight up for me and this fine piece, please dear.” He threw her an evil smirk and a wink, and the shots were slammed in front of us.

Without hesitation, we did five rounds of Jack and drank four more beers each, letting it wash away Walker’s early frustration and my shyness, holding hands almost the entire time. I enjoyed playfully flirting with Walker, the light caresses, the lingering kisses on the cheek, the way his lips felt brushing softly over my ear, and how velvety his southern accent sounded as he told me how beautiful I looked. I tried to push those thoughts to the back of my mind, but it was too wonderful to not enjoy.

Finally, the numbness started to take over, and when my favorite song to line dance to came blaring through the noise of the packed bar, I was ecstatic. I yanked Walker from his stool and made him run to the dance floor with me. We laughed and danced like old times. I danced so hard I was sweating when the song was over, and it bled into a slow song that started to play.

Walker bowed and held out his hand. “May I have this dance?” I grinned and pulled him into me. I could feel his perfect physique through his shirt as I rested my head on his chest. His cologne and the smell of the bar mixed well together, and I let myself fall into the happiness of the movement, reclining into him.

Right before the song was over, with a slurred tongue, I leaned into Walker’s face, almost touching his nose with my own. A wave of emotion came over me as I saw the darkening lust steaming in Walker’s eyes.

I blurted out without a second thought. “How long have you had feelings for me? Or am I just being drunk and over analyzing?”

I don’t remember his answer or the look on his face when I said it. At that moment, I fell into a black out. Good thing too, because I didn’t think I was ready to hear if my assumption was true or not.

11

The next morning, waking up face down on my pillow with a blinding headache was not too pleasant. Even my boots were still on from the night before, tangled in my sheets. I slowly lifted myself into a seated position, to see Walker sleeping in the recliner across my room, almost upright in what looked like a back-breaking position. I threw my pillow right at his face, nailing him harder than intended.

“What the hell?” Walker jumped up from the chair into a fighting stance in a split second.

“What happened last night?” I couldn’t even keep my eyes open; my brain felt like it was drilling into the back of them and I was still fighting with my sheets to release my boots, thrashing, flailing, and kicking. I must look ridiculous.

I heard a low chuckle coming from Walker before he answered. The pause and mocking infuriated me.

“Classic College Margret! Blacking out right when things get interesting!”

He sat and pulled his black shirt from the night before back over his chiseled abs and awesome tattoos, which I had never taken full notice of until right then. Through barely opened eyes, they were still spectacular. I flushed from the tops of my shoulders all the way to my forehead. All of a sudden, it was boiling hot in my room.

“Seriously, Walker! I’m not fucking around! Did I try to make out with you last night?” The night was foggy, but I faintly remembered asking him about his feelings. I could only imagine my next, horrible move. The thought of my possible actions sent pains shooting through my stomach and chest. Finally getting my feet free, I shot up, digging in my dresser for different clothes that didn’t smell like the terrible concoction of bar, booze and shame.

Walker’s voice turned almost stern, too cold for what I was used to from him. “Yeah, you did. I let you kiss me. I even kissed back. We were shit faced. Right after, you ran to the bathroom and puked. I guessed I repulsed you or Jack in some way. Needless to say, that’s where the adventure stopped. We took a cab home and I fell asleep here to make sure you were okay.”

Pointing at Walker to turn around and face the wall half way through his account of the moments my mind had erased, I changed into my comfortable clothes, while the situation sunk in. I fell to the floor, sitting Indian style in the middle of my room, squeezing my eyes shut.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered with my head in my hands, making my words muffled. “I didn’t mean to …” I let the sentence trail off, not too sure how to finish it.

Thankfully, Walker came to my rescue while I fought for words. “Don’t sweat it. No harm done. Besides if we were to ever hook up, I ain’t gonna let it be in a shit hole like that.”

I couldn’t believe what just came out of his mouth. How could he say if we ever hooked up to me like that? How could I let our harmless flirting get to this point? I would never be one of his notches. Even with the slight lustful slips my mind had, I never thought our relationship would ever move from this point, and Walker saying it like the thought was entertained by both of us made me feel sicker than the remnants of alcohol still soaking my blood.

“Don’t say things you don’t mean.” My words oozed with anger, while my whole body shook. “You’re my best friend and roommate. Nothing more, right?”

He buried his head in the pillow at my words, staying silent.

“Oh my God! I was right. I need to take a shower and you need to get the fuck out of here for a while.” I pointed to the door and Walker silently obeyed, leaving me to my terrible thoughts, slamming my door as loudly as he could behind him.

A rush of confusion hit me, knocking the wind out of me. I knew my emotions started to become displaced as anger at Walker built up while I lashed out. There was no one I was mad at or disappointed with other than myself.

My mind started racing, as my thoughts screamed through my head, making me feel weak and dizzy. What would Randy think of all of this? He’s fucking dead anyway. He left me here alone! Does he want me to be alone forever? Would I want him to move on? And with our best friend? Fuck this shit!

Fury at myself and the situation burnt my eyes, making tears stream down my face uncontrollably. I didn’t know what to think, how to feel. I had been void of deep emotions for so long. The terrible notion that all of this was my fault hit me the hardest. All of those moments where I let myself slip and felt things I shouldn’t. Maybe Walker sensed the tension too, and maybe he did have actual feelings for me.

I took a quick shower, trying to scrub the last twenty-four hours off my skin. By the time I turned off the boiling water, my entire body was pink and rubbed raw. Climbing out of the shower, wishing I had brought clothes to change into, I wrapped my towel around myself tightly. Even with the warm steam making the air thick in my bathroom, I shivered as everything started to sink in farther. My head was pounding from crying and thinking too much. All I wanted to do was curl up into my comforter and ignore the world for a while.

When I opened my bathroom door, I found Walker leaning against the doorjamb. Before I could even process the situation, Walker pressed his entire body firmly against mine and kissed me, hard and desperate.

I pushed him away. “Wait!” I shook my head and screamed at him, breathless and confused. He let go, staring at me with the most guilt I’d ever seen in someone’s eyes. The usual bright green had faded, his cheeks pale.

“What are we doing?” I breathed softly, innocently disordered and broken. “What about my husband?” The words lingered in the air, feeling like a distant whisper. Their presence was fleeting and wrong sounding from my voice as I glanced down at the tiny gold band that almost felt stifling on my ring finger.

Walker bent down a little so he could look me directly in the eye, putting both his hands on my shoulders. “Mags, he’s dead. Say the word and I will walk out that door and never talk to you again. I’ve loved you for a while. And I want to be with you. If it has to be only as friends, I’ll handle it, but that’s not what I want.” Walker sighed, light tears starting to roll down his cheeks as he slid onto the recliner with his head in his hands, his voice shaky and pleading. “What do you think? How do you feel?”

I gawked at him for a moment, trying to understand what I was hearing. I said the only thing I could, the truth. “I feel crazy. I feel like I don’t know what to think anymore.” I sat down on the floor in front of him, pulling his hands away from his face. “Give me some time to think about what is going on with me, and in the meantime, don’t leave.”

Walker nodded, his arms curling around my middle, tugging me onto his lap. “I didn’t mean to dump all that on you all at once. I never wanted you to know how I felt. Whatever your decision is, I’ll always be here for you, Mags.” He picked me up and laid me down in bed. “How about I go make us some food and we’ll have breakfast in bed a day early?”

I let the calmness of his voice wash away the frantic feelings in my chest, and the discomfort of his well kept secret of loving me. I was so glad to not have to make decisions right away, or even know completely what was going on, that I just let myself go void again, pushing everything away from my mind. “Sounds wonderful.”

My head started throbbing with all of this new information that I couldn’t bring myself to process. I hoped this was all a horrible dream and that when I woke up, everything would be back to normal, an ignorant bliss saving me once again.

I curled up in my sheets, my hangover getting the best of me, and I slept for what felt like seconds. When I opened my eyes again, the clock on the nightstand said two thirty in the afternoon. I rolled over to see Walker curled up in a little ball on the other side of the bed, a tray of eggs and bacon on the floor next to him. I must have been sleeping for at least four hours. I yawned and stretched, still forcing the inevitable reality from my mind as much as possible.

I shook Walker awake. When his eyes opened, he jumped a little. “I’m sorry Mags, I didn’t mean to.” He looked around for a second with a confused stare on his face, and then it melted into panic as words started to babble from his lips. “Can I just take it all back? Be friends, just friends again. I can’t lose you, Mags! I don’t care if I am in the friend zone forever.”

I put my hand on his cheek and stared into his handsome face, chills of longing running through my body. It had been so long since I had felt that way, longing for a man’s touch. All I wanted was to be wrapped up in his arms, but the words that came out of my mouth were mature and foreign to me. I couldn’t believe what I was saying. I hadn’t made a decision yet, I was so calm, my voice even. “Walker, I’m just not ready for a relationship … for any of this, to be honest. And you were Randy’s best friend. This isn’t right. There can never be anything between us. I’m sorry.” My head fell and I stared at the white comforter bound up in my grasp.

Walker’s head fell and his shoulders slumped, his voice weak and defeated. “I will go pack my things then. I really am sorry.”

I sat up quickly, terrified he might leave. My heart pounded and my palms started to sweat. “You’re not moving out are you? Please don’t leave. I need someone in this house with me. I can’t handle another person leaving!”

His face changed slowly from solemn to elation. “I’d never want to leave you. I just didn’t want to overstep my bounds.” He leaned up to get out of bed, grabbing my hand to kiss it. “I’m going to clean this mess up and wash the smell of the bar off of me. I have plans tonight, but let’s have breakfast in the morning as a fresh start. Wipe this nasty old slate clean.”

I looked up into his wide, bloodshot green eyes. It was clear he had been crying while I slept. I couldn’t help but wonder the true reason behind the tears. Did he really want to be with me? All I knew was that I could not stand the thought of losing someone else right now. “A fresh start sounds wonderful, Walker. I think we need one.”

Walker’s pained expression transformed into a loving gleam as he trotted out of my room, carrying our uneaten breakfast. At the thought of food, my stomach started to grumble, having not eaten anything all day and puking last night. I grabbed my phone, knowing that some girl time was definitely needed at that point.

I dialed Cali, and, luckily, she was free. We made plans to have a late lunch and then spend the rest of the early evening pampering ourselves. It was going to be a perfect little escape that I desperately needed. Definitely better than my original thought of falling into a bottle of wine and chick flicks, locked up alone in my room, hiding from my almost mistake hook-up with a roommate.

I climbed out of bed and started fumbling through my drawers to find something to wear. Cali always made it a point to dress beautifully and I was not in the mood to hear her complain about my “boy” clothes. I finally settled for nice white linen shorts and a dark teal tank top. While I was brushing my teeth, my bedroom door opened.

“Mags?”

With toothpaste still swimming around in my mouth, I called back to Cali, “In here!”

She bounced into the bathroom with a giant lit up eyes. “I’m glad you called, Kyle is being a douche. Ever since he started working nights again, he has just been a grouch. I think we should get him a trashcan to sleep in while we’re out.”

I giggled at her frustration while gargling mouthwash. Cali crossed her arms around herself and popped her hip out, sizing up my ensemble. “You look very nice, Mags. I’m proud of you.” Her lips curled into an approving smile with her words.

“Thanks,” I perked up from spitting out my mouthwash, smoothing out my clothes dramatically, taking her hand. “Come on, I’m starving.”

Hand in hand, Cali and I made our way down the stairs, passing Walker in the kitchen. He was still cleaning pans in the sink, wearing my neon pink rubber gloves. Looking up from the soapy water, he whistled at us. Cali tugged at my hand, disgustedly barking, “God, Walker! You’re such a freaking pig.” Then, turning her enraged eyes right to mine, said, “How the hell do you stand him!”

I looked at her innocently and shrugged. “I think he’s funny.”

Walker, holding himself up with the counter, was uncontrollably laughing. “Come on Cali, you know it’s just because you’ve always had a thing for me. Admit it! You’re just pissed that you’re married and can’t do anything about your desires.” He winked at her and headed upstairs to his room.

Cali gritted her teeth, sneering and pointing at Walker as she made her way to the front door. “Don’t even flatter yourself!”  With that, we were out the door and I could still hear Walker carrying on with his amusement.

I attempted to laugh off the awkward situation, but Cali was too pissed to let it go. We climbed into her car and she slammed her door shut, taking a deep breath in through her nose and then letting out an exasperated grunt. “He just gets under my skin sometimes. Sorry, Mags.”

I put my hand on her shoulder in an attempt to calm her down, “It’s all good Cali. I know how you two are. We have all been best friends for years. Time flies, doesn’t it?”

She started the engine and pulled out of my driveway. A slight relief fell over me to be away from the awful situation I had found myself in that morning. But, in the back of my head, I couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t shoved Walker away in the doorway of my bathroom. Uh, his lips felt better than I had imagined, God damn it! Why the fuck did I have to enjoy it?

12

Cali and I made our way to our favorite burger joint in town.  After long nights of drinking, we always nursed our hangovers with a little hair of the dog and a heart attack on a plate. There was no better cure for the brown bottle flu than beer and grease, in my opinion.

We pulled into Charlie’s after the short ride, singing at the top of our lungs to everything on the radio. Our favorite seats, right in the middle of the bar, were free and we happily filled the creaking bar stools. Without even having to ask, Todd, our regular bartender, walked over with two drafts and set them down right in front of us, after wrapping napkins around the glasses just the way we liked them. “Well, aren’t you two just an amazing sight for sore eyes. Haven’t seen your gorgeous faces in God knows how long!”

Todd was wearing a tight-fitting pink and white striped button down like usual, always willing to wear anything that screamed, “I’m gay, get the fuck over it!” His jet-black hair was a little longer than I remembered, but uniformly messy like always. Todd had been too skinny, shaped just like a stick figure.

The first time the five of us all met Todd felt like yesterday to me. It was the afternoon after a bonfire party that the boys’ fraternity had thrown. It was Cali’s and my first time ever experiencing hunch punch and it was not a good morning for either of us. We both had a great time at the party, from what we were told, and slept in Randy’s bed that night. We apparently kicked him out of it, making him sleep on the floor.

Cali and I woke up the next morning with the worst hangovers we had ever experienced.

Walker and Randy had been going to Charlie’s since their freshman year, and knew it would be the perfect cure. The guys had to practically drag us out of bed; Randy actually had to carry me to Walker’s truck. My memory of that morning was a little fogged by the booze that had still been floating through my system, but the feeling of being wrapped up in Randy’s arms was so comforting and addicting to me from that moment on. Making our way out of the fraternity house, we saw Mitch curled up on the couch in the giant foyer. Walker talked him into joining us and from there the tradition of Charlie’s was born.

Cali grabbed her beer, holding it up waiting for me to 'cheers' her. “It’s been too long, Todd. How the heck are ya?” Cali’s bubbly voice had finally returned from her frustration with Walker, and I was glad her mood shifted back to the normal perky best friend I desperately needed.

Todd leaned over, putting both elbows on the bar. “Oh you know, same shit, different day.”

Cali’s and my glasses clanked together and I took a satisfying sip of the sweet Orange Blossom Pilsner. “Oh Todd, you always remember!” The wonderfully soothing orange honey bubbles tickled my taste buds, softening my jumbled mind and voice.

“How could I not?” He gawked, using dramatic hand and arm movements as he lisped perfectly, it was so cliché and one of the best things about him. Todd was proud of who he was and never hid it from anyone. “You two used to be here every other day back in college!” A few more bar patrons took seats a few down from us, and Todd excused himself silently to tend to them, rolling his eyes as one of the men snapped his fingers to get Todd’s attention. I gaped at the obnoxious gesture until I saw Todd kiss the guy right on the lips. Cali and I both giggled at the sight, and turned away to give them a little privacy.

“We haven’t been here since before I got the news about Randy.” The realization hit a little softer than usual. Maybe I was starting to heal, or maybe I was just numb from emotion, I couldn’t really tell. Surprised, and thankful the wind hadn’t been taken out of me, I took a deep breath and continued my thought. “Cali, I never believed I would be a widow at twenty-four. When Randy shipped off even, it never dawned on me that this could have been in the cards for me.”

She sighed and put her hand on mine. “Yeah, I know. But it’s life, love. Randy knew how dangerous it was going to be. He’s right here helping you through it, you know that.” Her soft smile was so comforting, I simply couldn’t stand it. I knew she was right. Randy always tried to prepare me for the worst when it came to his decision to join the Army. I just never let it sink it.

“I can hear him now: ‘Hey kid, smile! Like it or not, you’re gonna be stuck with me, even if I’m a ghost.’ Man, he was so morbid sometimes.” I grabbed my beer and chugged the entire thing. Todd popped back over with a new OBP for me, asking if we were having our usual burgers to eat, and we both nodded. After putting our orders into his computer, Todd engulfed himself in a deep conversation with his new flavor of the week, always glancing over at our glasses to make sure they weren’t getting anywhere near low.

Desperate to change the subject, Cali leaned over and sighed. “How’s the new roommate?”

I shrugged, staring at the painted bar, not knowing how to answer that question which Cali getting furious at me. I felt color burning my cheeks as the words started to form slowly. “Walker is great. It’s awesome to not have to be alone.” I sipped my thick beer, hoping the cool liquid would lessen the crimson flaring on my face and neck. “It’s only been a day. So, I guess we’ll have to wait and see.” My lips betrayed me and turned up into a toothy smile. I failed horribly at forcing it to go away.

With a questioning eyebrow raise, Cali’s voice got rigid, like she could see right through me. “Why do you look like you’re hiding something, Mags?”

Cali knew me better than anyone, and I was not going to be able to keep my actions from the night before or this morning secret for long. So, with a little bit of reluctance, I told Cali about the cause of my hangover and what happened that morning.

Cali’s face went from calm to startled, her jaw hanging wide open as she blinked a few times.  But to my surprise, Cali sat, listening to my story silently until it was over. “So do you like Walker?” Her words were dripping with disapproval and disappointment. She sat up straight in her chair, gripping the backrest and bar top with all her might, restraining herself. She looked like she was about to try to smack sense into me, thankfully, she didn’t.

“I really don’t know. I didn’t think so.” Nervously, I started to fumble with the soggy coaster my beer had been sitting on. Right in the nick of time, Todd came over with our two monstrous, jalapeno cheddar bacon burgers. I was so thankful for food and the distraction from my story. I had no clue how I wanted to feel about Walker, and was not ready to figure it out. I was scared to have feelings for him and scared not to. I was completely torn.

Every instinct I had was telling me there was no way I could, with good conscience, have feelings for Randy’s best friend. But there were little butterflies in the pit of my stomach while talking about him to Cali. Confusion was becoming all too familiar to me, and I hated my feelings and confessions more and more as the words dripped out.

We both put smoky barbecue sauce on our burgers, and Cali picked off her pickles, putting them on my plate. Tossing the pickle chips into my mouth, relief to be eating and not talking swam into my grumbling belly. Facing reality was pushed off for a little while longer about my house guest, and if he would become more.

But Cali had other plans for our conversation about my situation. She was going to make me figure everything out right then and there by the look in her eyes.

“Well.” She was looking up at me still holding her burger with both hands, barbecue sauce on her chin. “You are going to need to figure this one out soon. How was it, kissing him?”

I frowned, not wanting to discuss it further. “I don’t remember it, Cali. I blacked out.”

Cali put her burger down and turned her barstool so she could look right at me, frustration building with every word that came out of her mouth. “Margret, you kissed him today. How did it make you feel?”

Her eyes were boring into me, and I blushed again. “It was amazing while it lasted. His lips are the perfect combination of soft and rugged.” I clasped my hand over my mouth, shocked at my own words.

Cali turned back to the bar, grabbing her beer again. “Then you have your answer. Go for it. He obviously won’t say no.” The tone in Cali’s voice was dramatic and annoyed, but I knew she meant what she was saying, just reluctantly. She finished her entire beer and signaled to Todd for a refill. Knowing us too well, Todd brought us both beers and left us to continue our conversation.

With pleading eyes, I looked at her, feeling as if I was about to start falling apart right there onto my plate. “Can’t we just shoot the shit and forget about everything this afternoon? Please?” There was no reason to continue talking about my Walker situation; I told him we were just going to be friends, nothing more or less. Why was Cali swooping in now when it was too late, complicating everything?

Cali grimaced at me. “Mags, I don’t think we can ignore this one. You’ve been hiding from your feelings for too long.  Even though I would rather you be with anyone else, at least it’s a start to you moving on. Besides, you don’t like Kyle, and I’m married to the bastard!” Cali paused for a second, her lips softening and with love rushing into her eyes, she put her hand on my shoulder.  “I’ll always be in your corner even if you dive my bat shit crazy!” We both giggled and, begrudgingly, I agreed that if we didn’t have to talk about the subject anymore, I would think about my feelings, or lack thereof, for my roommate.

After finishing our deliciously messy monster burgers, we gave Todd hugs over the bar and promised him we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.

Cali and I got back into her car in an awkward silence. I felt a little embarrassed about our conversation, so the pause in discussion was warmly welcomed after a few uneasy moments. Luckily, Cali had no intention of pressing me anymore on the issue of our girls’ day. We went and got manicured, pedicured and plucked for the remainder of the late afternoon. We talked about frivolous things with our technicians and mostly giggled during our appointments. It felt fantastic to relax with my best friend.

Cali dropped me off, rolling down her window as she pulled out of my driveway, calling out after me. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

I waved her goodbye with a forced “Ha! I’m an angel compared to you!”

I sighed as I turned to go into my dark, empty house. I flicked on the front room lights, remembering Walker had plans for the evening. Light feelings of jealousy hit the back of my brain, thinking he might be out on a date. I had to remind myself I told him hastily that I just wanted to be friends, so whatever he was doing was none of my business. I did find a little comfort in his comment the night before about not dating, then remembering the beginning of that conversation sent me into a momentary fit of jealous rage. What if he’s out screwing that blonde bitch of a bartender from the night before? Yuck!

I collapsed on the couch and tried to figure out what to say to Walker when he finally got home. Do I really have feelings for him? Or is it that I just miss Randy so much? My brain started to hurt with all of my indecisiveness, and I flipped on the TV to try to snuff out the noise in my head. After about a half hour of Laverne and Shirley, my stomach started to growl.

Opening up my fridge, I stared at the random items, none of them perking my interest in the slightest. . Without a second thought, I crabbed a Chinese food takeout menu out of the drawer, my old standby. I placed an order for delivery, trudging back over to the couch after pouring myself a too-large-to-be-classy glass of Pinot Noir.

The doorbell rang not too long after, announcing the arrival of my scrumptious junk food. I grabbed my wallet out from inside my purse on the table next to the door and pulled out a twenty-dollar bill. The familiar smile of my delivery driver beamed at me as he handed me the brown paper bag of more greasy food, and took my money. He wished me a pleasant evening and left in a rush, practically running to his car. I had almost entirely stopped cooking for myself over the last few months, so the pizza and Chinese food delivery guys in the area all knew me pretty well as a good tipper. I smiled down at my bag of General Tso chicken and returned to my comfy seat on the couch.

I started flipping through the channels, trying to find something to distract me as I took out my chopsticks and white to-go boxes. Finally, I settled for some mushy old movie and brought my legs up to sit more comfortably. I could barely watch the movie as I ate, thinking way too much about Walker. It surprised me how much I thought about him, how many things seemed to remind me of him, and how badly I wanted him to be there with me. It almost felt like I was divided right down the middle. Half of me wanted something more with Walker, and the other thought the notion was utterly ludicrous.

Forcing myself to shut off my brain, I watched the end of the movie, envious of the couple living happily ever after at the end of their drama-filled love affair. I glanced down at my phone, realized it was only eleven thirty, and couldn’t help but wonder when Walker was going to be home. I tried not to think about that, and where he was. I dragged myself upstairs to shower off my crazy day, and climbed into bed with another glass of wine and a good book to, hopefully, lull me into a peaceful sleep for a change.

Before long, my eyelids started to get heavy. I set the book and wine glass down on my nightstand, glancing at the clock one more time. It was almost two in the morning and there was not one sign of Walker at all. A little bit of worry danced into my mind, hoping that, wherever he was, he was safe. Pushing the bad thoughts of Walker’s terrible drinking and driving habits into the back of my mind, I willed myself to fall into a deep, wine-endorsed slumber.

13

I woke up the next morning realizing that I hadn’t heard Walker come in the night before.

Remembering that we had plans for breakfast, I jumped out of bed, truly excited to see him. Even though Walker had seen me at my worst, I felt the need to make myself a little bit more presentable than usual.

I lifted my shirt to take a look at my freshly peeled tattoo. The skin was still tender and itchy, but it was healing fast. I loved my bird, and the memories it provoked were all warm and happy, helping relax my crazy mind. I stroked the tender skin, applying a fresh coat of ointment, hearing Randy tell me about these birds, as I curled up into his arms on his boat one sunny afternoon. The thought of Randy made me feel a little guilty for a moment. I had to make it a point to remind myself all my thoughts were innocent and justified, at least for the most part.

I pushed the memory of Randy out of my mind in a hurry, and got back on task. I got changed out of normal pajamas of an old Army shirt and sweats, and into short jean shorts and a black scoop neck; simple with just a hint of sexy.

Figuring I had the time, since it was eight in the morning and Walker would probably still be sleeping, I turned on my flat-iron and sat cross-legged in front of my mirror to do my makeup and hair. It only took me about ten minutes to tame my sleep-tousled hair and apply a quick layer of eye makeup.

Without hearing any movement in the house still, I made my way down to the kitchen to start brewing a much-needed pot of extra strong coffee. Even though I slept straight through the night, I felt like I hadn’t slept well in the slightest, figuring my brain hadn’t turned off entirely. Everything was still overwhelming to me, but I tried my best to keep the confusion, worry, and guilt at bay. So much had changed over the last few days and my thoughts were a jumbled mess that I didn’t want to deal with anymore on my own. I longed to go wake Walker up to start to work through the tangled mess in my brain, but I forced myself to stay put.

Leaning up against the counter next to the humming coffee pot, my eyes caught onto a strange purse sitting right next to mine on the table by the front door. I froze, my mind racing around and around, my stomach lurching. I felt like something had stabbed my heart.

Before I could make a move toward the foreign bag or to run back into the safety of my room, I heard Walker’s voice from his bedroom upstairs. “Hush, my roommate is sleeping. I don’t want to wake her.”

A familiar giggle emanated from the girl coming out of his room, making my heart sink more. I knew I’d heard that laugh before, but I just couldn’t seem to place it.

Still clinging to the counter for dear life, I could hear two sets of feet tiptoeing down the stairs, coming close to the kitchen. Walker was leading someone by the hand, but stopped dead in his tracks when he realized the kitchen light was on. I could only see him as he quickly turned to face me from the entrance of the kitchen.

A panicky frown filled his face. “Morning, Mags. I was trying not to wake you.” His eyes darted to his hand as he pulled the twittering girl into my view. My jaw dropped in disbelief as the blonde bartender from The Saloon came scooting into the entryway. “Mags, you remember Cindy, don’t you?” He wasn’t making eye contact with me.

I shook off my shock and moved toward Cindy, rage bubbling up in my stomach. I wanted to punch her in her giggling face; she was intruding on my home and my man, but I surprisingly kept my composure. With the images of tackling the whore to the ground in my thoughts, I forced a smile, my anger and calmness colliding making my brain thump angrily against my narrowing eyes.

“Hi, Cindy.” I waved. “Coffee? It just finished.”

I could not believe what was coming out of my mouth; my normal course of action would have been screaming for this bimbo to get the fuck out of my house, slapping Walker for the last forty-eight hours of torment he had put me through, and now this. He had just told me he wanted to be with me a day ago, and bringing this girl to my home was how he showed it? I did my best to mask the disdain in my voice, and to my surprise, Cindy didn’t seem to notice how upset I was.

A wave of relief came over me when Cindy declined my offer for coffee, claiming she needed to get home to walk her dog. My stomach churned when Cindy kissed Walker deeply goodbye, and headed out my front door. By the time she was gone, tears were forming pink streaks down my pale cheeks.

Walker turned to me, in shock. His desperate green eyes tried to search mine for any answers. His face was twisted into painful distress and seeing it made me want to hold him. I got angrier with those emotions and screamed out loud in frustration. When he tried to choke out an apology, I just held up my hand and told him, in the most even tone I could manage, “I frankly don’t give a shit what you have to say while that bitch’s scent is still on you. Go take a shower, give me a minute, and maybe I will be able to look at you.”

Sullenly, he let his gaze drop to his feet. “Yeah, okay.”

He walked up the stairs and turned on the shower right away. I heard his sighing and frustrated rants at how stupid he was as I made my way back into the kitchen.

At least we’re agreeing on one thing at the moment, you are an ass!

I sulked over to the kitchen table, collapsing into a hardwood chair. Seeing Walker with Cindy made me see I actually wanted to be with him. My stomach was killing me, and tears were surging down my hot cheeks as sobs choked out of my burning throat.

I detested the way I was feeling. It was an utterly different type of broken heart than what I had grown accustomed to. A wave of rejection and shame crashed hard as I replayed the morning’s events in my head. The worst part of it all was how stupid I felt for being like this. The last time Walker and I spoke, I told him we were friends and roommates, and that was that. I had no claims over him whatsoever. It was not my place to say he couldn’t sleep with whomever he wanted.

With a shudder, I thought about what Walker had done the night before. Maybe he took Cindy out on a date, or just went to The Saloon and got sloshed. For some strange reason I wanted to know. I felt like if it had been the latter, I wouldn’t be as mad. Or should I be madder? I was tormented and defeated, crying into my folded arms on top of my kitchen table, an utter blubbering fool.

I jumped up when I felt a warm hand touch the small of my back. I looked up into Walker’s surly face and stared, unable to find any words to say to him. He knelt down beside me, resting his head on my thigh. With a big sigh, he breathed, “I am so sorry. I got drunk and she was there. I didn’t sleep with her.” I still couldn’t find words for him; I just sat still and silent, hoping he would elaborate.

After a few minutes of silence, Walker finally got up the nerve to continue. “Mitch and I went to have a few beers. One thing led to another, and shots got involved. Once I was good and plastered, she pounced, but when she got back here, I couldn’t go through with it. But I was too lit to kick her out and she was way too drunk to drive home, so I let her crash here.”

I sat up straight quick and jerky like rusty cogs on a wheel, breaking our eye contact, feeling braver that way. “Walker, we’re friends. I have no say in what or who you do, but don’t lie to me about it. I’m sorry I overreacted.”

I got up from the table, shuffling my feet over to finally pour myself coffee; hopefully the caffeine would take care of my throbbing head. I was hurt he would make up a story. I knew Walker better than he thought, and he never turned a girl down. I was relieved he hadn’t taken her out on a date, though; she was just a fuck buddy. For some reason, I felt like I would be more upset if he had had an emotional connection with the tramp.

I grabbed two mugs out of the cupboard, turned to Walker questioningly, and he nodded. I poured our cups full and turned to him. He walked over to the fridge and bent down to get the creamer. From the glow of the fridge lighting up his face, I could see tears streaks glistening down his cheek. His face was full of sorrow and anger, his jaw flexing and grinding aggressively. I couldn’t help but feel bad. I desperately wanted to know what his thoughts were and if they were as tangled and twisted as mine. He walked back over to the table and took a seat, trying to give me a failed half-smile. Seeing him this way forced longing to take over all of my emotions and rational thought.

He put his head in his hands and started to cry a little softer. “Mags, why the fuck would I lie to you?” The desperation in his voice made the words sink in, and I knew right then he hadn’t slept with her. I couldn’t help but be relieved.

Without thinking it through, I set our mugs down on the table, grabbed Walker’s shirt and pulled him up, I said softly, “I believe you,” and pulled him into as passionate of a kiss I could muster, grabbing both side of his face hard with my shaking hands.

It only took a second for Walker to register what was going on and pull me forcefully to him, one hand pressed up against my lower back, the other on the back of my neck. Walker effortlessly picked me up and brought me over to the couch. He lay down on top of me as I moaned into his mouth. My hands clutching onto his back and his hands tangled in my hair roughly; I could feel my heart rate rising, my skin hot with passion. I had turned off my brain, just allowing myself to savor the closeness of Walker and how fantastic a kisser he was.

When his tongue penetrated, barely a whisper against my own, I tasted the mixture of coffee and cream still lingering on his tongue. It was somehow erotic; a secret shared between us, only revealed when we made love with our mouths. I moaned against him and felt the vibrations of it run through his mouth and reverberate back to me in some sort of passionate sound wave.

Kissing and nibbling my bottom lip, his right hand travelled down my cheek, to my neck and then all the way to my hip bone. Grabbing onto me, firmly pressing his fingertips into the sensitive skin over my tattoo. I gasped and groaned into his mouth, arching my back and thrusting gently into him. Quickly, Walker flipped me on top of him and pushed me away, looking directly into my eyes. “Mags?” His breath caught as he stared panting, his bedroom eyes confused and lustfully longing.

I leaned down, kissing his neck and cheek softly. “Let’s just not think about it right now, okay?”

He grabbed my face with both hands, kissed me back, thrusting his hips up into mine, sent chills throughout my entire body. I let out a soft moan and let my hands travel up his white shirt, feeling his wonderfully defined stomach and chest. His body flexed and trembled at my touch as he pulled my shirt off over my head.

His own moan mixed with mine as I placed my hands on his hips and hoisted myself up his body, before finally wrapping my legs around his middle and rubbing my core against his growing erection.

Within moments, we were both completely exposed, panting and kissing. His warm lips travelled from my mouth to my jaw line, then to my neck and along my collarbone. I sighed with satisfaction at how wonderful it felt as he started to gently suck on my nipple, cupping my breath gently at the base with his warm hand. Walker looked up at me and smiled seductively as he pushed me off him, onto the other side of the couch and climbed back on top of me. He lightly ran his tongue over both of my breasts, sending goose bumps all over my skin.

Quickly he jumped to his feet, grabbing his pants. He whisked out a condom, unwrapped it and slid it over himself. He clambered back on top of me and whispered into my ear, “I have never wanted someone as badly as I want you, right now, Mags.” At his words, my body ached for more of his and I groaned into his mouth as I kissed him as deeply as my shaking lips would allow.

He started to grind himself into me, making me surge with pleasure. Right when he heard my response, he slipped his hand down onto my wetness, gently rubbing, making me arch my back into him more. I softly bit down onto his bare shoulder as he went faster and rougher with me, suddenly shoving his entire length inside me. I gasped at how tight I felt and how rough he was. I let out a faint squeak and he retracted, pulling up from me, making concerned eye contact his chest heaving with deep breaths. I quickly grabbed his body and pulled it back down, thrusting him back into me.

Even though it was a little painful, I found myself unable to let him stop. I forced him out for just a moment, to let myself calm down from his thrusting. Electricity ran through my body as I couldn’t help but desire more of him. My fingers slowly started to tease him as I felt his length throb in my hand. Realizing it was my body that did that to him sent even more excitement through me. At that moment all I wanted was this, and Walker inside me, again.

I grabbed him with one hand and pulled my hips to meet his. He moaned into me as I forced his length into my wetness. He gently started to get into a rhythm, knotting his fingers into my hair again, pulling my head back roughly. I grabbed his hips, digging my nails gently into his strong muscular physique and begged for him to get rougher with me. His eyes shot open, full of lust and desire as he obliged my very whim. Our bodies were completely in sync as we rode out our climaxes together, heavily gasping and groaning lustfully into each other.

Walker’s gloriously glistening body, covered in a thin layer of sweat, rolled over on the couch, pulling my head onto his shoulder to hold me close to him. As he looked at me to speak, I just held my finger over his mouth. “I don’t want to start over-analyzing this yet. Let’s just lay here for a few minutes, please?”

He nodded and turned his head away from me, closing his eyes. I nestled my head down onto his shoulder. His embrace was so inviting, I never wanted this moment to end. Within seconds, sleep washed over us both as we stayed cuddled on the couch.

14

I was jostled awake by Walker’s body moving out from under mine. The feeling of his bare skin shoved my senses awake and I shot up, reaching for my shorts and pulling them back on, hastily. I jumped off the couch to find only Walker’s shirt in sight; quickly, I hauled it over my bare torso. Collapsing on the other end of the couch, holding myself tightly, feeling nauseated, I started to tremble. My mind raced as I fought to make sense of all the flooding emotions coursing through my body. Suddenly, my attention snapped over to Walker as he sat paralyzed, staring at me, his jaw flexing while he pulled his jeans up his thighs.

Replaying our passionate moments sent guilt stabbing into my heart. I felt like a cheater, a whore, and dirty.  Anger at my lustful actions and thoughts sugared up into my chest as I heaved and fumed.

“What?” I barked. He just shrugged, his wide eyes fixated on mine. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I stood, trying to blink back the tears, screaming started to escape from my shredding throat. “Oh my God, I am so fucking sorry, Walker!”

I bolted for the stairs, but Walker’s arms wrapped around me, tightly and gently all at the same time. He forcefully pulled my entire body into him as he kissed the top of my hair. His voice was husky, still full of lustful passion. “Please stay. Talk to me.” I spun around to see his green eyes filled with tears, his expression crushed. His shoulders sagged while losing the grip on my torso; his eye contact broke to look out the window.

Anger rushed through my body. I didn’t know if I was madder for what I just instigated, or with Walker for allowing it to happen. “I don’t know what the fuck you want with me, Walker! I am so freaking messed up right now.”

Tears were flowing down my cheeks as he held me in a tight embrace, his eyes deep with sadness, grinding his teeth with frustration. I could see he was just as torn and tormented as I was. I longed to know what he was thinking, feeling, wanting, but he just stood motionless and silent.

“I don’t know what the right thing to do is anymore.” I barely could get the words out through the sobbing and shaking.

Walker’s strong arms picked me up and brought me back over to the couch where he sat me down on his lap. I was just thankful he had fastened his pants back on and I tried to let my body relax. All different emotions were assaulting me; lust, passion, hate, loneliness, disappointment, satisfaction. I didn’t know which one to start dealing with first. I couldn’t help but feel almost dirty, like I was cheating on Randy. Of course, that feeling was ridiculous because you can’t cheat on a dead person, but I just could not shake the feeling of it, or the shame of being another one of Walker’s sluts. At that thought, I felt my stomach churn into knots.

I forcefully shoved myself from Walker’s arms, retreating to the opposite side of the couch. Trembling, holding my knees tightly to my chest, I uncontrollably sobbed, keeping my eyes clenched shut so I would not have to see Walker’s crushed expression. The pain in his face sent daggers into me, further tangling into my thoughts. I wanted to run away and hold him all at the same time.

I tried to start stumbling through all of the different situations that were bothering me. The whore who had just left, missing Randy, being mad at Randy for leaving me, the feeling of being unfaithful, longing for Walker, hating how much I wanted him; all of it was attacking me, I couldn’t sort it out. Everything started to build, boiling up into physical exertion.

The next thing I knew, I was flying across the couch and slapping Walker across the face.  The loud smack crackled into the silent room as Walker rubbed his pink, stubble ridden jaw.  He narrowed his tear-filled eyes and raised his eyebrow at me. “Okay, you get just one of those, but what the hell, Mags? One minute you’re ripping off my clothes and the next you’re acting like you just shot the pope or something!”

I shot up off the couch, pulling at my hair while pacing around the living room.  “This is all just too goddamn much! First of all, you fucking hurt me by even bringing that skank here in the first place! If you want to be with me, you have a pretty messed up way of showing it! Do you even think or care about anyone other than yourself?”  I let of a growling scream, collapsing onto the floor, defiantly.

When I finally gained control over myself again, I retreated back to the other side of the couch, staring at Walker’s cold and shallow expression. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he turned to me, his voice full of pain, “I didn’t mean to hurt you. If I ever thought …” He let the rest of the sentence linger in the air, making the tension that much thicker.

I turned to him, and found myself wrapping my hands over his. “I don’t know what the right thing to do is, Walker.” I let my head fall onto our entwined hands. Taking a deep breath, I made myself say the next words, fighting with my heart as they choked out. “Maybe you should stay at the McManus’ for the next few nights.” I stopped, looking into his eyes, which was a mistake. All of the sorrow and longing in them made me want desperately to take back what I just said, but my better judgment had to win this time and I forced myself to continue. “I’m not saying I don’t want you to live here or that I know how I feel about you. I just need some time to sort through all of this.”

To my surprise, Walker did not protest my request. He promised he would leave me alone, and when I wanted to talk about it, to call him. It didn’t take long for him to pack a few of his things and call Jim to ask if it was alright. That was something that didn’t cross my mind, what my in-laws would think about their house guest returning. I pushed them out of my mind, trying to convince myself my hasty decision of asking Walker for some space was the right move.

Walker sulked over to me when he was about to leave. His muscular arms wrapped around me and I breathed in his musk deeply. Once I was in his arms, I wanted to beg him to stay. Our eyes met, and he lunged for the door quickly, probably knowing what my next words were going to be. With a swift goodbye, he left.

When the door shut, remorse washed over my entire body. Shame had so many more faces than usual; betraying Randy, feeling smutty, kicking Walker out, and longing for his lips again. It was all too much for me to process.

I walked into the kitchen and pulled a bottle of Jack out of my freezer. Opening it, I figured drinking out of the bottle was in order for this situation; a glass would just make me get numb slower.

I went through the motions of the next few days, just self-medicating with alcohol, stupid TV reruns, a book I had read a thousand times, and work. I ignored the calls from Cali, my mother and everyone else who felt the need to check up on me. The only call I answered was from Mitch. I knew he needed me, and we talked for a while about how his shattered family was handling everything.

He and his father had not heard from Eva since she ran away. We both figured it was all for the best. Mitch had been pretty worried about Buck, and decided that it was in both of their best interests if Mitch moved back home for a while. The conversation started to lean in a direction I was not comfortable with, and when Mitch asked how living with Walker was going, I ended the call lying that work was on the other line. I felt like a complete batty loon, coward, idiot, harlot, and many other things all rolled into one.

For the first time, I was excited to be sitting in my therapist’s lobby. I desperately needed advice, or really, someone to make decisions for me. Dr. Davenport was sickeningly cheerful, ushering me in from the waiting room. Her hair was done in bouncy curls and she had a hint of red lipstick on, which made her skin look almost pasty white. She smiled wide at me, taking her regular seat across from me on the couch, daintily crossing her ankles as she opened her note pad to write. She looked up at my blood-shot eyes, forcing her cheery smile to twist into a frown. “Have you been getting enough sleep, Mags?”

The amount of concern that filled her voice made me feel sick. “Yeah, I guess so.” I slouched down onto the back of the couch. I didn’t know why I was lying to my therapist, but it seemed like the correct answer.

Candice stared at me for a minute, analyzing my gaze. “So, have you considered having someone move in or not?”

I couldn’t believe how much had changed since the last time I had seen her. Has it really only been a week since my last session? Anger at her stupid suggestion of having a roommate in the first place, forced me to lash out. “Terrible! Why couldn’t you have just told me to get a freaking dog or something?” Tears already were starting to pour from my burning eyes and my face and neck were hot with anger at myself and at the terrible situation I had dug myself into.

Shocked at my response, she shifted in her chair. “What happened? Did someone move in already?”

I tried to calm my temper and being as polite as possible, forcing a softer expression as I took the tissue from Candice’s dainty hand. I explained to her about Walker moving in and how I was conflicted. I told her everything up to Sunday’s events. I was still ashamed of my feelings and actions from that day. I did not feel right letting those words escape me. Mostly, it was from fear that if I said it out loud, it must have really happened.

My therapist calmly sat, letting me finish my whole story, well, everything up to my evening ending with Cali. I didn’t know how to put the rest into words, so I didn’t. I just waited, hoping Candice would take over the conversation. Her hand stopped writing, as she gazed up into my eyes, her voice low. “So, have you made up your mind about your roommate? Do you think you have feelings for him?”

YES! I silently screamed, but my body just shrugged shyly, fading more into the couch.

“This is something we need to explore. Please, Mags, I am here for you to tell me anything. Don’t hold back on yourself, it will only delay progress.”

Not wanting to fight my feelings anymore, I finally let myself open up to my therapist. I relaxed my body, forced in a deep breath and began to finish my story. Once I got to the point of asking Walker to leave for a little while, a little bit of sadness settled in. I realized then that I truly missed him.

I had not seen or heard from Walker since he left my house. It was odd for us, usually talking every day, especially since we were supposed to be roommates. I sighed, wondering what he had told Jim and Liz about why he had returned. It was strange for Liz not to call me if she thought something was wrong. I planned hat after my session was over, I was going to call her to “check in” but really it was to get information about Walker.

I realized my body had stiffened again as Candice began, looking up from her notepad. “Let me just see if I have the time line of events correct.” She paused and waited for my nod of approval before continuing. “You asked Walker to move in Wednesday on your way to work. By the end of the day on Thursday, he was all settled in. Friday you and he went out, leading into your fight, ending this past Sunday with finding out Walker didn’t sleep with the girl and then sleeping with him yourself.” I stared at her, my lips parted, letting the reality of how fast everything had happened. In my shock, I could only nod yes to confirm her chronicle.

Candice shifted in her seat, leaning over and reaching for my hands, I hadn’t realized how badly they were shaking. With warm, thoughtful eyes, her voice softened. “Mags, let’s talk about what is really bothering you.”

I nodded, but didn’t know what I was supposed to say. There was misunderstanding and pain settling in. I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown. When I felt Candice’s warm hand on my forearm, our eyes met. She had a look of concern as she continued. “Are you worried someone might replace Randy?

Tears started to well up in my eyes, realizing her words were true. I nodded again and she continued, never moving her hand or changing her expression, “I would like you to try to forgive yourself for wanting to be happy. I would like for you to try to understand that your vows were fulfilled and he would want you to move on. I want you to know that you deserve happiness and to be loved again.”

She handed me the box of tissues, pausing for a minute for my sobs to calm a little. Her words were piercing into me causing me to gasp for air. Candice grabbed my hand again, regaining her thoughtful eye contact, “I want you to let yourself fall in love again. If it happens to be with Walker, or with someone else, it does not matter. But,” She paused for a brief second, choosing her words carefully, “You need to free your heart to make room for someone new. I am not asking you to stop loving Randy. What you shared was magical and no one will ever be able to replace him to you.”

I was shuddering, crying, sobbing; acting like a blubbering fool. I could not compose myself. Everything that was just said I knew but never let myself think about or feel. Every suppressed emotion was smoldering, blistering my entire body. I went through the motions instead of allowing myself to grieve appropriately or let go; now it was being forced upon me. I involuntary took a few deep breaths as Candice instructed and they surprisingly helped. I was able to stop the almost hyperventilation, leaning back to try to calm my rigid muscles.

For a few minutes, we sat in silence; while Candice kept a soft, compassionate hand on mine. All I could do was stare at the floor, still shaking a little. She settled back down into a seemingly more comfortable position and asked me again in a whisper, “Mags, do you think you have feelings for Walker?”

This time I nodded yes as I let my head collapse into my open hands, tears falling more furiously down my cheeks, my nose even starting to run. Guilt washed over my body like icy water. I looked up and grabbed a few more tissues, waiting for more questions to be fired away, but they never came. Candice looked down at her watch, smiled sheepishly at me and told me she thought that our session had been very successful. She looked satisfied when I agreed, starting to leave her office, turning back quickly when one final question came to me, “What do you think I should do about Walker?” My voice was pleading and trembling, my eyes matching my tone.

She grinned at me again, put a loving hand on my shoulder and pulled me into a much-needed hug.

“I think I am going to call Walker, we have a lot to figure out and talk about. Thank you.” I pulled away from my therapist.

She nodded at me with a reassuring smirk and wished me luck as I opened the door to leave the building.

15

I took a deep breath as I turned onto my street. On my way home, I would pass the McManus’ house and I had planned that, if Walker’s truck was in the driveway, I was going to stop and talk to him. Right after I told Candice I was going to call him, I knew I would chicken out. Face-to-face was the only way I wouldn’t be able to back out of this one. In person, I was a terrible liar, and I was counting on that to make myself grow the balls to tell Walker how I felt. My heart started racing as I pulled past the red brick pavers to find that Walker’s truck was nowhere in sight. I was surprised at my lack of relief and how disappointed I felt. I had really psyched myself up for that one.

I parked Randy’s truck in its spot in my driveway and without climbing out, I dialed Liz’s number. It had been far too long since we has caught up, and a little bit of guilt waded into my mind. I figured she would be able to give me some idea on how Walker was feeling without making me seem like a spy, which kind of made me feel bad, but I really needed to figure all this out and fast. I didn’t know how much longer I was going to be able to live like this and frankly, I was sick of it.

I smiled when I heard a warm voice greet me from the other end of the line. “Oh, Margret! How wonderful to hear from you,” she sighed a little with relief. “You know we’ve missed you? How is it that we’re neighbors and still we barely get the pleasure of your company?”

I forced a giggle. “You know how busy work can get for me and all.” I trailed off for a second before continuing. “I miss you guys, too.”

“Will you please come visit soon? How about dinner sometime in the near future?”

“Of course Liz, we’ll plan for dinner soon!”

I loved that she was making plans without forcing me into a committed time. Liz was great about trying to make as little pressure for me as possible. I knew I had an open invitation to their home anytime I wanted, but knowing they wanted to see me helped relax me and put my mind at ease. Maybe Walker didn’t cause too much alarm and red flags by returning to their home after all.

We continued to small talk about the new sweater she found on sale for seventy percent off, and how Jim was still fighting off retirement, saying that he’d go crazy cooped up in the house.

Finally, I was able to butt into the conversation. Gaining enough confidence I choked out, “How’s Walker been doing, Liz?”

Her voice turned almost sad. “He’s moping around again, scared that you’re mad at him and all. I won’t pry though. Your relationship is something I never wanted to get into the middle of. You know though, Mags, he’s a good one.”

Her choice in words was strange to me. I couldn’t help but wonder what Walker had told her. I tussled my hair angrily at the thought of what Walker might have actually divulged. Liz was Randy’s mother. He had no business bringing her into this. But, maybe he hadn’t. He could have just told her that we didn’t work out as roommates. Ugh, I was so confused.

I ended the call telling her I loved her, and that Walker and I would be fine, just needed to get into the groove of our new arrangement. At that clarification, a sigh of relief came from my mother-in-law that made me wonder again what she might have known, or assumed.

I turned off the truck and hopped out with a swift glance back at the McManus house. I sulked inside, and my house felt bigger and lonelier than normal. I knew why and shivers ran down my shin and goose bumps erupting from head to toe. It wasn’t that I was missing Randy; it was that I wanted Walker’s company. This new type of guilt was starting to become all too familiar, and my stomach knotted into a painful mess. I walked into the kitchen and poured myself yet another glass of my coping mechanism. Taking one sip, I stared at my reflection in the crystal that was given to us as a wedding present and without really thinking, I launched the glass across my kitchen, making it crash against the wall. Purple streaks started to run down the off-white paint Randy had applied the first night we moved in. I slid to the floor and cried for what felt like hours.

I knew I was going to have to learn to live with all of these horrible thoughts and emotions. I knew it was not going to be easy, but I really needed to let go. Moving out of my home was never an option because that was the one thing I truly knew would tie me to Randy forever. I felt like, as long as I had the memories we had built together there, he would never be gone. With the shattering of the glass, I felt a pint-sized bit of his hold on my heart lighten a little. Just another small break through that I have to be proud of…

I felt my stomach rumble but keeping down food didn’t seem like an option. I was hurt Walker still hadn’t called, but I had to keep reminding myself that he promised to leave me alone until I contacted him. Walker had always kept his promises to me, so I guessed I shouldn’t have been too surprised.

I wondered if Liz had told him about our conversation, and wished I knew how much they talked. Liz always was good about respecting my privacy, so I figured she hadn’t told him I called.

Forcing myself to clean up the mess I had made, not wanting to let a stain settle into the wall, I cried for so many reasons. Even though it was only nine-thirty, I had had enough excitement for one day and made my way up the stairs. Going into my bathroom, I rummaged through my prescriptions in the medicine cabinet for my sleeping pills my doctor had given me right after Randy died, and popped two, washing them down with ice-cold water. I undressed and climbed into bed not bothering to turn out the lights down stairs or in the hall. I turned the TV onto an I Love Lucy rerun and slid under my covers. Before the first commercial came on, I was fast asleep.

The blaring of my phone’s ring tone woke me up thirty minutes before my alarm was supposed to. It was my boss calling to tell me that there was a small electrical fire in one of the labs at the hospital right next to my office, and to not come in until further notice. They didn’t think the damage would take too long to clean and fix up, but the fire department would have to do a bunch of testing, which could take a long time. I thanked her for letting me know, and before we hung up, she assured me that my pay would not be affected. I was truly grateful, silently, for the forced break from work, and turned off my alarm, allowing myself to be washed over by a wave of sleep.

My dream state was shaken by the other side of my bed caving in not too long after I had fallen back to sleep, shocking me awake. Startled, I turned to find Walker’s stunning green eyes filled with tears staring into mine. Without thinking or words we hugged right away, my entire body engulfed by his warm embrace. I could feel our tears mixing softly as our cheeks pressed together. The bristles on Walker’s face from not shaving for a few days were uncomfortable but I couldn’t bring myself to pull away. I never wanted to let go and in that moment it was clear what I wanted, or maybe needed, and I finally was holding it.

Softly, Walker sighed that he was so sorry and whispered that he needed to learn how to deal with his hasty temper. His words were comforting and soft, but made me cry harder. I pulled away from him so our eyes could meet again, his hands cupping my cheeks gently as I whispered, “This is not your fault. I was the ass.” He pulled me in again and we agreed to disagree for now. Whoever’s fault it was not the point. All that mattered was having Walker beside me.

I breathed in the mixture of his cologne and tears, pulling in as close as physically possible. Walker shifted our bodies until we were lying down in a more comfortable position and cuddled me from behind. For what had to have been at least an hour, we just lay there, silently embracing each other. Finally, Walker bent over and kissed me passionately on the lips, almost forcefully, but it was gentle at the same time. Propping myself up a little on my elbow, I kissed him back, softer though, trying to let him know I still needed a tender moment. Walker’s body relaxed into mine and held me close for a while longer.

Walker leaned in again, but just for a quick peck on my cheek, and to whisper, “I have some awesome news, Mags.” I looked up into his beautiful face, trying to think of how much more excitement I could handle at the moment. With a flirtatiously cocky grin on his face, he continued, “I got the old gang together and we’re planning on tailgating this weekend for the game. It wouldn’t be the same without you.”

I bolted up to my knees practically bouncing up and down on the bed. “That is awesome! I miss those days so much! This is going to be amazing.”

With a cute little chuckle, Walker grabbed me again. “That was a better reaction than I could have even hoped for.”

And with that, everything felt fine again between us. I didn’t know exactly how that worked, feeling like my world was crashing down all over again, and then within seconds, feeling on top of the world. Life really had a way of throwing me for some weird loops.

Walker and I stayed in bed for most of the early afternoon, finally deciding that food was necessary.

I climbed out of bed, stretching and pulling my slippers on. Walking to the bathroom, I could hear Walker getting out of bed and putting his shoes on. I spun around, fear of him leaving again stabbed at my heart. “You’re not leaving are you?” I was gasping, about to start crying and breaking all over again, which was utterly ridiculous and a silently cursed myself for it.

He smiled warmly at me, with a slight hint of panic in his face, noticing my awful reaction to the simple action of putting shoes onto his feet. “Just really quick …” He stepped over to me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, resting his chin on top of my head. “I have to run back and change out of my pajamas if we’re going to go grab some grub.” I looked down at his lounge pants and ratty T-shirt; I hadn’t even noticed them before.

“Oh, okay.” I relaxed my shoulders and leaned into him, squeezing his overly toned middle tightly to me, being able to feel each ripple through his think shirt. Looking up at him, I asked, “When do I get my roommate back?”

He kissed my forehead. “I’ll move back in tonight if you want.”

I nodded yes into his chest; feeling like a gigantic weight had been lifted.

After Walker had changed, packed up most of his stuff and got back to the house, my stomach was practically eating itself. I hadn’t eaten for almost twenty-four hours, and the pains were starting to get unbearable. Walker laced our fingers together and led me to his truck that he’d left running in the driveway. I let him walk a little in front of me, so I could take in an amazing sight of him in my favorite of his jeans, a loose-fitting dark gray cotton shirt, and snake-skin cowboy boots.

He opened the door for me, but stopped me right before I got into the seat, pulling me in and lifting my chin with his hand to make our eyes meet. His cheeks flushed with a hint of crimson as he bent down to kiss me softly. Right before our lips met, he drawled, “You’re amazing.”

I wrapped my arms around his neck without allowing our lips to part. He hugged me into him and lifted me into the passenger’s seat. Shifting the truck into gear, we started driving in the direction of Charlie’s. A sly grin spread on Walker’s sexy lips and he held one hand on the wheel and the other in mine, rubbing his thumb on my palm.

I looked over, taking in the amazing sight of Walker’s happiness. “So, Charlie’s, huh?”

He nodded very matter-of-factly. “Yup, thought it’d be the perfect place. It’s kinda like a cure-all for hunger, hangovers, reunions, fights, what have you.”

Pulling into the familiar parking lot lifted my spirits even more, especially seeing Todd’s rusty old Cadillac in its usual spot. We climbed up into our usual seats, smiling and greeting our long time bartender warmly. Orange-honey drafts were resting on coasters, burgers were ordered and everything felt right with the world again.

Walker and I chatted with Todd, keeping a respectful distance from one other. Even though we had found a good place balance in our relationship, we had not defined boundaries and both of us were scared to send the other one run again.

It wasn’t until Walker excused himself to use the restroom that Todd laid into me. With a questioning smirk coupled with a suggestive eyebrow raise, Todd blurted out what had been on his mind since we sat down together. “So? How was it?”

Innocently, I shrugged. “How was what?” Taking a swig of my beer at that moment was a bad idea, because I nearly choked when I heard Todd sassily say in a hushed voice, “How was doing Mr. Hunky-Pants-Country-Boy-Roommate?” He gaped at me, placing his hand dramatically on his popped out hip. “Come on, it’s all over your faces! You did the dirty, now I want the dirt, Missy!”

Beat red, I opened my mouth and stared at him. “How’d you know?”

“Honey, I know you and him, and the ‘I did something dirty’ looks both of you have had over the years. Roll them all up and you get this moment right here, which I figured was going to happen sooner or later.”

Walker’s return saved me from the mortifying conversation. I hadn’t even told Cali the story yet, I wasn’t ready to volunteer it to one of the largest town gossips. We finished our meal and had a few more beers, Todd suggestively smirking at me every chance he got until we left the bar.

Walker held my hand from the time we got into the truck, all the way into the house and cuddled with me on the couch. We nestled down tight under my blanket just enjoying one another’s company, silently embracing our comfort and friendship again. Even though our lives were slowly spiraling out of control all around us, right there, in Walker’s arms everything finally made sense.

16

I was so thrilled that we were finally going to be tailgating again, as I pulled myself out of bed excitedly to my school’s fight song blaring at me instead of my normal beeping alarm tone. The group Walker was able to round up was almost our entire old gang. The plan was for all of us to meet up at the fraternity house, and then walk over to the usual tailgating spot.

I woke up at the crack of dawn to get everything ready. For a one o’clock game, we could start our extravaganza at 9:00 a.m. on campus. So, the plan was to make sure everyone was beer-in-hand at the fraternity house before the clock struck eight. The anticipation coursed through my veins as I pulled my chest cooler out of the garage and into the kitchen. The night before I had stocked up on tons of beer, limes, burger meat, and all the rest of the fixings, and started to load all of it into the cooler. I was an old pro at tailgating, being from a student body that partied harder than our team played, and I was ready to let loose again with all of my old friends.

I could hear Walker’s feet shuffling across my bedroom floor, then him starting the shower. I was shocked he was up this early, feeling bad for probably waking him. I poured a few bags of ice over the cooler’s contents and slammed the lid shut.

Still in my pajamas, I made my way up the stairs as the pipes stopped whining, indicating the end of Walker’s shower. I was humming our fight song, happily looking for my favorite college shirt that had never missed a game day yet, when damp arms wrapped around my shoulders. Grinning, I turned around to face Walker, who was only wearing a towel. Looking up into his beautiful eyes only made my excitement even more evident, but with a twinge of nerves surging up. “How do you think everyone will react to us?”

He looked down at me with a frown. “Do you want to keep it a secret?”

I could see this was something that had not even occurred to Walker, and I didn’t want to be selfish, but all of these people were Randy’s friends, too. “Walker, I don’t know. I don’t want to be the next Frat scandal.” I let my head fall into his chest, kissing his tattooed pecs softly. Man, his skin smells so good.

“Look,” Walker’s hand under my chin gave me no option but to look at him. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. You’re so excited. We’re friends, let’s just be that for the day. No kissing, no hand holding, just Walker and Mags as usual.”

I sighed with relief and snuggled up to him. “Thanks Walker.” I kissed him deeply and then got dressed in my game day best: boat shoes, white jean shorts, and my lucky shirt. I sat on the floor and applied a simple layer of makeup while my flat iron heated up.

I turned around when I heard my door squeal a little, to see Walker with a shit-eating grin on his face, standing with his arms crossed in my doorway. “Why don’t you do that in the bathroom like normal people, Mags?”

I sighed and then smirked “You know it’s been a habit since you guys lived in the frat house. Besides, this is more comfortable.”

Walker strode over to the bed in his khaki cargo shorts and black cut off that said ‘Bust the U’ in gold letters, and took a seat. I tamed my frizzy mess while Walker strolled me down memory lane of hilarious drunken game days past. I was snapped back to reality when five text messages came to my phone all at once, all along the lines of it being beer-thirty.

Standing in front of the fraternity house, digging for a beer in my cooler, made my entire body shake with anticipation of a wonderful day with old friends. Once I started getting messages while pampering myself, Walker hopped into action and got us straight to our fun-filled day of boozing as fast as possible. We kept a casual distance in the crowd of our former classmates. Everything seemed to be back to normal in my old world, and the comfort of friends and smiling faces warmed up my icy guilt. I was surprised about how casually people would talk about Randy, or throw out funny stories about him. I was so used to people treating me with kid-gloves that the calmness and normalcy almost felt thick in the hot fall Florida heat.

The house had not changed since the first time I stepped foot in it my first week on campus. The walls were beer stained white, with years and years of fraternity member portrait collages hanging, dating back to when their fraternity first debuted on campus. The smell of locker room, cologne and booze wafted into my memory bank and brought a smile to my face. This was the first place I met the greatest guy friends I ever had. All of those years ago, I never pictured my life to be the way it was, knee-deep in confusion and depression. Luckily, that heavy sadness was starting to release me.

Warm arms glided around my shoulders, sending me crashing back into real time. A deep, raspy voice curled in my ear. “Mags, let’s keep this day just about remembering the good times.”

I spun around slowly in Mitch’s arms and gazed up into his ice blue eyes as he wiped a tear from my cheek. I nodded and pulled him into me. I hadn’t realized I had wandered into Randy and Walker’s old room they used to share, and had been crying. Luckily, Mitch was the only one in our group to notice my suddenly melancholy state.

In our large assembly, we gathered our coolers, tents, chairs, grill and long table and began our short trek to our usual tailgating spot. I chatted with a junior Mitch had just introduced me to about Professor Ridgeway, who I loved in school. Apparently, over the years, she had stopped being the cool psychology professor who let you get extra credit by juggling in the front of the class. Now she was the one who, on a rating professor website, had all sad faces and warnings from former students that her tests were nightmares, and she loved to strike red all over final papers.

Setting down my chair in the shadiest spot I could find, I sighed. “I guess everything over time really does change.” The junior cracked another beer and said he didn’t mind the difficult work as long as he learned something. I was shocked, that was the first time I could remember someone saying those words and actually meaning them.

From a few steps away, Walker motioned to me that we were up in beer pong and I reluctantly obliged. I was absolutely terrible at drinking games, and enjoyed spectating with a casual beer much more.

To my surprise, I made the first two cups of the game and started to enjoy a little friendly competition. Walker was the perfect mix of calm and excitement I needed. Even with every sip of beer, he kept his promise of friends only for the day, and acted like our passionate fighting, loving making, and almost relationship were nonexistent.

After playing a few rounds and beating the pants off Mitch and the junior, whose name I couldn’t remember, Walker and I went to try our luck at corn hole. That was where my luck ran dry. I couldn’t even get the beanbag onto the board, even though I was trying. Luckily, by that point, most people were too drunk to care, or to even continue, the game.

The sun started to beat down on the backs of our necks as the wind died down to nothing. It was just about eleven in the morning and I was feeling no pain. Stumbling over to where Walker was chatting with some girl I didn’t know, I slid my arm around his waist, asking him to escort me to the bathroom. Smiling at the temptress with his flirty grin, he excused himself. He threw his arm around my shoulders and started to guide me along, keeping my steps as straight as possible.

Once we were safely out of sight of anyone my drunken eyes could recognize, I gripped Walker’s shoulder and pushed him up against the wall of a building. With my face inches away from his, I slurred, “If you’re trying to make me jealous, it’s working.” Without another word, our lips collided and Walker’s hands were gripping my hips.

After a few whistles and hoots from co-eds walking by, Walker broke from my grasp, panting. “I wasn’t trying to make you jealous. But if jealousy does this to you, I might need to consider it.” He gripped my sides firmly, letting his lips gently dance over mine, “Mags, I’m yours.  You have nothing to worry about.” Walker kissed the nape of my neck, letting his tongue taste my tingling skin that was yearning to feel more of him as he lifted me off the ground, holding me firmly enough so I could feel the magnificent ripples of his sinewy physique.

I wrapped my legs around him and I breathed out, relieved from his words as they soaked into my beer soused, jealous brain, “OK, good, because I’m yours. Can you forgive me?”

Walker set me down, leaning my swaying body against the wall, his southern accent thicker than normal, “Mags, I know ya better than you think. It’s flattering when you’re protective.” His mouth tasted mine more intensely, letting his tongue graze my own and his teeth softly nibble my lower lip, sending chills of passion through every nerve in my body before walking me the rest of the way to the bathrooms.

By the time we made our way back to the tailgate area, it was time to start loading up.

Shoveling a few bits of a charred hotdog into my mouth, I folded a bunch of chairs and helped load up the few truck beds pledges had driven over. It was so convenient having them around, I realized how much I enjoyed their devoted help for years. Always being the significant other of an older brother really had its perks. While I was in school, Randy made sure I was driven to and from the classes he couldn’t take me to, and we always had a sober driver no matter where we were going.

Looking back on all of the people who I’d grown up with during my college years, I saw how much I really had gained, not just from Randy, but from all of the guys I’d the privilege of getting to know. A wave of sentimental emotions rolled over me and I walked over and hugged Mitch tightly. He looked down at my drunken face and smiled. I was known to be an affectionate drunk.

We all made our way back to the fraternity house to watch the game out of the sun and the heat. Being in the stands was always exciting, but being on a comfy couch in the air conditioning was not easy to beat in the hotter-than-hell Florida weather. I was sandwiched in between Mitch and the junior that hated his psychology teacher, on a couch that was probably older than any of us judging by the holes and faded gray spots all over.

We all started booing when our school’s wide receiver fumbled the ball. Walker was sitting on the floor right in front of me. He reached down into his pocket to hand me my phone, placing it in my lap. Letting his fingers glide slowly across my thigh, he asked if I needed another beer. I nodded and creased my brow, wondering why he even had my cell in the first place. I shrugged, remembering my pockets were shallow and I was not the most put-together drunk.

I scrolled through my missed texts, responding to one from Cali, telling her not to worry, that everything was fine and I was not a blubbering idiot like she had assumed. Continuing to check, I found one from Walker:

That kiss was amazing; I can’t wait to get you home tonight …this sneaking around thing is kinda hot…

I was startled by Mitch leaning into my ear. “Sorry Mags, I didn’t mean to see that, but what the fuck are you thinking?”

My heart sank, thankfully Mitch had the wherewithal to whisper, but I was mortified nonetheless. I was frozen, staring into his furious face.

In a huff, Mitch jumped to his feet and started for the kitchen where Walker was. I was panicked by the time I heard Mitch yell, “It hasn’t even been a fucking year yet man! What the hell?”

“Mitch, what business is it of yours? He’s not coming back. Do you want her to be alone forever?”

Everyone shot their eyes back and forth from the kitchen to me, as I sat, paralyzed on the couch. I leapt to my feet when I heard a loud crash and started to run for the guys. Walker was breathing heavily and holding himself up on the counter with blood trickling from his bottom lip; it was already started to swell. Mitch’s nostrils flared and his chest heaved his face a mangled mess of shock, pissed off with a little twinge of regret floating around. Tears were streaming down my face and I hugged onto Walker’s middle as tightly as I could. He bent down, kissing my cheek softly.

I turned and looked at Mitch with rage filled darkened eyes, I couldn’t help but lash out. “I love you Mitch, but this is your big!” I gestured to Walker and his eyes fell to the floor, defeated. “You know what he and I have been going through, can’t you just be fucking happy for us?” My face was within an inch of Mitch’s and Walker had to pull me a little to make me come back into his arms. I lost it, blubbering into Walker’s shirt.

Walker snarled at Mitch, trembling in my arms.  “Look, man, this ain’t your business and making her upset sure pissed me the fuck off, so fucking apologize!”

When Mitch stood silent, Walker flew from my arms, his fist colliding with Mitch’s stomach.  I started to scream at them as they grappled to the floor, rolling around and grunting at each other.

Through muffled and panting breaths, I heard Walker’s southern accent demand Mitch apologize to me, and I could hear Mitch’s husky tone grunting about being pissed off at Eva and taking it out on us.

A few of their brothers came rushing into the kitchen and pulled the flailing, drunken fighters to opposite sides of the room.  I stood in the middle frantically looking from one to the other, not knowing what to do or say.

Mitch’s voice huffed into a defeated sigh, breaking the uncomfortable silence. “Mags, I’m sorry, I was just shocked. That’s all, and with everything ...”  He locked his wide eyes on the floor and rubbed the back of his neck angrily a few time.

I looked around to all of the bystanders as Walker came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, kissing the back of my head. No one looked mad; just sadness blanketed their faces. Everyone started to murmur amongst themselves, shrugging.  One of the guys broke from the group and clapped Walker on the shoulder, smiling down at me, “We all miss Randy, but ... if you two are really together, who are we to judge?”

Mitch handed Walker a towel to sop up the blood from his busted lip. “If you hurt her, man, a fat lip won’t be your only punishment.” They both chuckled and Walker agreed he would treat me as well as I deserved, and I nodded that I would do the same for Walker.

Unknowingly, Walker and I had just solidified ourselves as a couple without even thinking it through. A slight panic came to my chest, not knowing if I was really ready for this kind of commitment. I waved away my insecurities and stress to enjoy the moment.

We all gathered back into the living room to watch the end of the game. Like we had predicted, our team fell short, never able to recover from that fumble in the first quarter. We were used to the disappointment by now, so no one seemed too upset at the loss. Walker and I said our goodbyes to everyone and made our way to his truck hand-in-hand. I was so relieved that everything went well.

Opening the door for me, Walker grinned. “Do you want to go home, take a shower, and then go out tonight?”

I smiled back at him and nodded. I was finally ready to act like a couple, why not go and celebrate my newfound happiness? This was just one more step out of the darkness of my depression that I was so glad to be taking.

17

After getting home, taking a shower and nap, the long day tailgating still weighed heavy on my mind. Even though it was a great day, the regret of how Mitch found out about Walker and I was a little rough for me to deal with. I pushed the guilt and stress from my mind once Walker’s truck turned off in the parking lot of The Saloon. I was determined to not let anything ruin this night with Walker.

Walker’s hand rested on the small of my back as we made our way to our usual spot at the back bar top of The Saloon. Even with all of the line dancing, boots stomping and music blaring, I could still hear my breathing and heartbeat quicken at the slightest touch from him. Through the dim lighting, I turned and beamed up into his light green eyes, happy we weren’t fighting anymore. Right then, I promised myself Randy would not assault my thoughts and ruin the evening again, but it was getting more painful as the smell of the bar brought back so many memories.

The dirty carpet reminded me of the first time Walker and Randy took Cali and me to The Saloon during freshman year. She and I were appalled the guys brought us to such a dump. After a few shots, Cali and I were tearing up the dance floor, making Randy and Walker teach us every line dance possible. The smile on the bartenders’ faces brought back how Randy knew every one of the veteran barkeeps. Hot red filled my cheeks at that thought; most of the people here knew Randy before he died and here I was making goo-goo eyes at his best friend. Suddenly, I felt sick.

Climbing onto the bar stool, I gestured a polite nod at a not-so-pleasant grin lurking at the other end of the bar. Cindy’s long blonde hair whipped around as she made her way, huffing to the back room. After the events of the last time we saw each other, I would have done the same thing. I smiled to myself knowing t tramp had tried to sink her claws into Walker’s flesh for the last time. The little moment of victory was incredibly sweet. I heard him chuckle next to me, obviously seeing my triumphant grin. He ordered us two Bud bottles and shots of whiskey, calling it our usual to our bartender. His hand slid into mine as I turned to face him. The dark haired bartender smiled warmly and winked at me as she placed our order in front of us; apparently she enjoyed my effect on her co-worker just as much as I did.

“To roommates.” Walker grinned at me, holding his beer up for mine to clank against.

I replied with a giggle, “To us,” and took a long swig of my beer.

Next, we quickly threw back our shots. I thought Walker was going to spit his out from laughing at the awful face I made while letting the amber liquid burn my throat.

“Come on Mags, don’t turn into a lightweight on me.” Walker knew exactly how to get my attention, and I gestured to have two more shots slammed onto the bar. We smiled at each other, saluted to a good night out, and fired the second round down. Chasing my whiskey with some beer, I popped off the stool and held my hand out for Walker. My favorite dance was starting and I was ready to do some boot scooting. Smiling, Walker grabbed my hand and led me onto the dance floor.

We jumped in line and started to dance away, laughing and letting our drinks soak into our blood. Slowly I started to care less about who was watching, and more about the times Walker’s hand brushed my shoulder or hip. It was amazing to me how nice the shivers traveling down my spine felt. Huffing and puffing as the song ended, I threw my arms around Walker’s neck and kissed him hard on the mouth. He responded quickly and passionately but pulled away just as fast. I leaned back on my heels to frown at him, but his smile was too adorable to even fake a mad face at.

A two-step started and Walker began to lead me around the dance floor in unison with the other couples. He pulled me in close and kissed my hair before really getting into rhythm with the rest going around the wood floor. As we made our way around the circle, our eyes met with tons of people we knew and to my surprise, they all waved and smiled warmly. Maybe no one saw me as the harlot I felt I was, and that notion was comforting.

Once the song came to an end, I felt Walker’s soft lips barely brush my ear asking me if I was ready for another drink. My entire body buzzed with excitement as I agreed and let him lead me through the crowd by our intertwined fingers. I was practically giddy with attraction and lust by the time the beer brushed my lips. I turned my back to the bar, leaning against it to relax and people watch for a moment. Walker turned to me, resting his hand on my knee and leaned in to give me a quick kiss on the cheek. “I’m having a great evening, for the first time, in too long …” His husky, southern voice trailed off in my ear as a goofy grin spread across my face.

I nodded and mouthed the words “me too” in his direction.

A familiar pair of eyes caught my attention from across the bar and my blood went cold. Kris Brennan was a fling that had entertained me during one wild spring break cruise Cali and I took together during college. Kris and his fraternity brother, Braden, were a secret buried down deep in our girl’s week we swore to never tell our guys about. Randy and I were in the middle of an epic battle of stubbornness during that time and were on a “break”. That week had forever been referred to as our spring fling but only in the confidence of Cali’s and my friendship.

I had barely seen Kris since, even though we went to the same college and were both actively part of Greek life. I think it was because I avoided him, and his entire fraternity for that matter, at all costs. The handful of times I had seen him, he always referred to my love for key lime pie or some other snide reference to our sex-capade of an encounter. I gulped as he held his beer up to gesture 'hi' to me with a wide devilish grin on his charming face as his eyes darted to my ring-less finger. To my horror, he started to make his way around the bar to us. He was just about a few inches shorter than Walker, built kind of like a soccer player, which, standing next to Walker’s line-baker form, made Kris look puny. If Kris wasn’t such a sleaze ball, I would have still considered him attractive with his sandy blonde hair and big, round, chestnut eyes.

My entire body tensed as his velvety voice, as sexy as he could make it, breathed a hello in my direction. I did the polite half hug, kiss on the cheek gesture of, “Hey Kris,” that he went in for as Walker’s grip on my knee tightened to an almost painful level.

Pulling away as quickly as I could from Kris’s awkward embrace, I put my hand on top of Walker’s and introduced the guys. Walker’s eyes were sending laser beams into Kris’ as they greeted each other with only head nods; not even shaking hands or words were attempted.

“How do y’all know each other?” Walker had been protective of me the whole time I’d known him, so this was not a new response, and I was a little uneasy to answer the question.

While I fumbled for words, Kris answered for me, “We met on a cruise a few years back during spring break.”He paused, winked at me and then unfortunately added, “We had the pleasure of getting to know each other really well.”

That was it; the deal breaker. I saw the statement register in Walker’s brain, settle in, and then fester. His face was boiling red within seconds. I was paralyzed. I knew I was about to watch a train wreck in slow motion and there was nothing I could do about it. When I saw Walker’s fist connect with Kris’ cheekbone, I knew this could escalate into an awful situation quickly.

I jumped off my bar stool and stood in between Walker and Kris, while Kris stumbled back a few steps, holding his cheek.

Behind me, Walker huffed and grunted. “Got something else to say, Slick?”

To my surprise, even with the gentle stream of blood staining his white cotton shirt, Kris shook his head, wiped the blood off with the back of his hand and chuckled. “Nah, man. I didn’t realize you two were together. Sorry Mags. See ya.”

I leaned back on my hip, arms crossed, looking at Kris with complete bewilderment. “Yeah, see ya around, Kris.”

Without another word, he left us alone.

Walker wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his broad, protective body, kissing my shoulder gently. “No one will ever imply something like that scumbag just did and get away with it. What a douche, trying to make it sound like he hooked up with you.” He laughed a little and then stopped, realizing I wasn’t denying it. Quickly, he spun me around in his arms and looked dead into my eyes. “Mags, he was lying, right?”

I broke my gaze from his, ashamed of the week I was locked in a cruise ship cabin with that jerk. “Actually, Walker, he wasn’t lying. It was the spring break where Randy and I were fighting and he dumped me. You guys went to Panama City without Cali and I. We got mad, went on a cruise and had our own fun.” I looked back up at him quickly, seeing the rage and confusion mixing in his eyes. “Come on, Walker, I’m sure Randy did shit too.”

Walker shook his head. “No, Mags, he was miserable that entire trip. I think he cried himself to sleep every night. I had to leave him in the hotel room to be able to have any fun. He basically drank by himself in the room. It was a waste.”

My heart sank and my eyes got watery, trying to push out the guilt that was bubbling up, yet again.

Walker’s arms wrapped tightly around me, shielding me from the terrible thoughts scolding me, in a gentle acceptance of the woman I was to him right then and there.  Brushing my neck softly with his cheek then lips, he whispered, “Hey, it’s okay. I defended you, we’re together and that was a lifetime ago. Why let it ruin our night?”

I relaxed into Walker’s chest, breathing in his delicious smell of cologne and whiskey. “Let’s do another shot and get back on that dance floor.” Walker agreed and turned to our bartender who apparently had read our minds even before we were thinking it. She raised her brow, arms crossed across her almost exposed chest. “Nice punch, Walker.” A sly grin spread across her face and she whipped her black curls around to talk to another customer.

We offered cheers with our whiskey to putting the past right where it belonged, into the past, and finished our last beers sitting at the bar. We’d had a pretty eventful day and I didn’t protest when Walker suggested we grab some beer and hang out for the rest of the evening on the couch. The thought of comfy pajamas, curled up in Walker’s arms was inviting, and I jumped at the opportunity.

As we made our way past the front bar, trying to exit, a snide comment pierced into my ear. “I guess the widow enjoys sloppy seconds, huh? Nice one slut, going for your dead husband’s best friend.”

I whipped around to see the cocky stance of a glowering, Cindy, behind her side of the bar. My blood boiled, it took everything I had to not jump over the bar and punch her for her hard-hitting words.  “What the fuck did you say to me? As I recall, you were the one doing the walk of shame out of my front door after getting rejected, not too long ago. Don’t flatter yourself thinking you’re better than me, or that I give a flying fuck what you think you know about my situation.”

I shoved open the front door, pushing passed the crowd of college kids getting their IDs checked by the bouncer. I forced a few calming breaths while huffing towards the truck. Walker had to jog a little to catch up to me.

“Mags, that was amazing!” His hand rested on my shoulder to stop me. I turned to look at him with tears streaming down my face.

“Fuck that damn bitch, and fuck you for bringing her to my home. What the hell were you fucking thinking, Walker?”

His head fell, staring at the floor, unable to make eye contact with my death stare. He muttered in a broken tone, “I thought we were over this shit. I am so sorry. Everyone else is in my past. My heart beats for you. I will do anything; just name it, to make you see that.”

I wanted to yell, kick, and scream. I hated what he had done, but I was not innocent in the situation. With a few deep breaths and some escaped tears, I forced my rigid body to relax. There was no use in fighting with Walker. He was right, we needed to move passed all of this and just allow ourselves to be happy, and it needed to start right then and there.

I cupped both of my hands onto his cheeks. “I’m sorry, it’s her I’m mad at. I won’t bring it up again.”

He took my hand in his and led me to the truck saying he was sorry about five more times before slamming my door shut for me. “Well, I’ll say we had a crazy day, let’s get you home to some wine, a chick flick and that couch.”

I sighed and scooted across the bench seat to climb into Walker’s arms. “Thanks, Walker, you’re amazing. But I just acted like a child.  Don’t let me act like that again, promise?”

He nodded and playfully pinched my ass, “Alright, I think of a few ways to punish you.” His eyes narrowed as his southern accent seductively twisted into his words making breath catch.

“You’re truly the perfect girl.” He sighed, breathed in deeply and started the truck. It grumbled and groaned while it carried us home to finish out our night of passionate roughness and pleasure.

18

The next morning I woke up dressed in my favorite pajamas, alone in my bed. Stretching into a yawn, I wondered where Walker was. I slipped out from under my covers, shuffled my feet into my slippers and then into the bathroom. Looking into the mirror, I could see how rough a day my Saturday really had been. My makeup was smeared and my skin looked pale and pasty. I scrubbed my face clean and brushed away the taste of stale liquor from my mouth.

Suddenly, to my delight, the wonderful smell of bacon on the stove wafted up into my room. I was thankful Walker was still with me, and that I didn’t do anything stupid in my drunken sleepiness to piss him off. Especially after my episode with Cindy at The Saloon. I knew I needed to drop the situation, not allow myself to get into a drunken bitch fest with Walker, and just relax for the night. I had a terrible habit of not being the most pleasant person when I was drunk, and I was always concerned I would lash out at the wrong time, at the wrong person. I really was proud of myself for not diving head first over the bar to rip Cindy’s face off and for not freaking out on Walker.  But pride turned to shame quickly, there was no excuse for my actions.  It was high time I started to grow up and move on.

Striding into the kitchen, I found Walker at the stove, shirtless, cooking up a storm. There was bacon on the griddle, with pancakes being made next to them, and a bunch of eggs whisked in a bowl, waiting to be scrambled up. My ears perked up with the sound of the coffee maker groan and bubble into life as it started to brew much-needed headache medicine.

Quietly, I slid behind Walker and wrapped my arms around his lusty torso, kissing his shoulder blade softly. “This is a pleasant surprise.” I breathed into his back, kissing him one more time.

I could feel all of Walker’s muscles relax as I kissed his ripped back. He turned around to me after flipping a few pancakes onto a plate, smiling so sweetly. “Good morning, sleepyhead!” His hand ran across my freshly healed tattoo, raising up my shirt a little to look at the little bird flying across my hip bone. “I still need to get my tattoo since you stole my appointment.” A sly smile spread on his virile, stubble-ridden face.

I shot him a playful jab to the ribs. “You offered!” He raised his eyebrows at me and winked, turning to continue cooking. Walker refused any help, saying he had everything under control. I poured both of us coffee, putting sugar and a splash of cream in Walker’s just the way he liked it, and leaving mine black. I leaned up against the fridge and watched with a slight smirk on my face as Walker scrambled cheese into our eggs and plated our feast. With a quick kiss to my forehead, Walker carried both of our plates to the table and pulled out my chair. I smiled at his wonderful gesture and thanked him again for how unexpectedly nice this all was.

Taking his seat across from me, Walker rested his hand gently on mine, a soft expression spread quickly starting at the corner of his eyes and dancing all the way down and across his plump lips. “I’m just treating you the way you deserve, Mags. I promised Mitch, after all.”

A playful smile settled in and I laughed a little. “Well, thank you very much.”

Halfway through our meal, I felt my cell vibrate in my pocket. I looked down to find a text from my boss saying that most of the offices would be ready for work on Wednesday and mine was one of them. I was a little relieved that I was going back to work. Even though the few extra days off gave Walker and me a lot of time to spend together and figure things out, work was my escape from reality, and I was really looking forward to getting back into my routine.

“Looks like I get to go back to work on Wednesday.” I tried to sound a little sad about it, giving a frown and an eyebrow crease for good measure.

“At least you like your job, though. I’m sure you’re ready to go back.” Walker took another sip of his coffee to wash down his last bite of pancakes. “Besides, I’m going to have to report to base soon and now you won’t be too bored without me.” He smiled and winked, getting up to put his plate in the sink.

Before he could start washing the griddle and plates, I shot up and shooed him out of the kitchen. It was simple in my head; he cooked, and I cleaned. He creased his brow while he protested, then plopped on the couch to watch sports highlights in a daze, clinging to his mug filled with coffee for, what looked like, dear life.

“Don’t forget I made plans for us to have dinner with Liz and Jim tonight,” I yelled to him, while elbow deep in hot soapy water. Walker agreed to call and confirm the plans while I finished up. He walked into the kitchen before dialing Jim’s number on his cell.

“Hey Jim, how’s it going?” Walker’s voice was different when he talked to Jim, a little bit rougher than I was used to. “Yeah, Mags and I will be heading over around seven if that works for y’all.” He paused before asking if there was anything we needed to bring, and asking how Liz was doing. Their conversations were always short and to the point. “Alright, Jim, we’ll see you tonight, and we’ll bring something for dessert.”

Walker came over to the counter, crossing his arms over his chest before leaning right next to me. “Is seven good for you, babe?” A sly smile spread on his lips while saying the last word, and it sent flutters through my body.

“Yeah, that’s good.” I was hiding the giddy tizzy in my response to the best of my ability. It was wonderful to be happy again and every time I thought something along those lines, guilt always settled right in. I made a mental note to talk to Candice about that during our next session.

A small frown had formed, along with a crease in Walker’s brow as he looked at me. Shaken by his expression, I threw some suds at him. “What’s wrong, sourpuss?”

Walker shook his head and then smiled amiably. “It just makes me sad that every time I make you smile, it’s followed by a look of pain, sadness or disgust.”

I was taken aback; I hadn’t realized that my face gave me away so easily. I tried to smile, taking Walker's hand in mine. “I’m just still learning how to be happy without guilt. I’m sure you, of all people, understand.”

Walker’s eyes went cold and shallow as his face went pale. “More than you know…” His head fell as his words trailed off. He bent down, gave me a quick peck on the cheek and then started to walk out of the kitchen. “I’m gonna hop in the shower. Be out soon.”

I leaned against the sink and stared after Walker. I was shocked by his reaction; most of the time he seemed so well-adjusted. I felt bad, not knowing if I should have gone after him to make sure he was okay. Right when I was about to take my first steps, the pipes above my head started to whine as the water was turned on in my guest bath.

I went back to the dishes and finished cleaning the entire kitchen and table before Walker came back downstairs. Before his musky shampoo finally filled the living room, where I had found myself curled up on the couch, I’d started to get worried.

From a low, almost growl, Walker strode into the room with pre-made questions that quickly caught me off guard. “Why didn’t you pitch a fit last night? What that bitch did and my half-assed comeback deserved a lashing and you fucking pussied out and I just don’t get it, Mags.” Walker was pacing between the kitchen and the living room, his hand resting on his crew-cut scalp.

I sat, paralyzed for a minute, not sure what to say. “Walker, I am over being pissed for no reason, letting things build. I’m a free spirit and have not been living lately. I died that day with Randy in that fucking hellhole and I am ready to reclaim my life.”

Walker and I had never really talked about our feelings until that moment. We had always been shallow with each other and that was selfish. Finally, in the heat of this moment, ready to let it explode, we were honest for the first time. We saw each other completely and it was beautiful.

In mid-stride, Walker halted, dropped to his knees and held his head in his hands. “He was never supposed to get hurt, but I made him a promise, and I am here living with it every day. I will protect you, Liz and Jim …” His voice cracked, broke, froze and then regained its strength. “And you will never have to live with that bull, like last night, ever again.”

I stood, looking down on Walker’s tensed and shaking body.  There was something so strange about the way he was acting.  Usually, he was tough, seemingly happy, not broken and never one to harbor anything like this. “Walker?” My voice was weak, I was scared to continue. I sat down in front of him on the floor, picking up his solemn face with my hand, “What’s really bothering you? You don’t care about last night, so what is it? What do you mean ‘promise’? What are you really hiding from? Why didn’t you go back home, why’d you stay here?”

It was almost like something in that moment snapped in Walker, his muscles puffed and his veins bulged, the hair on the back of his neck and arms stood on end, his light green eyes smoldered to an almost black, he seemed to turn almost feral.

He shot up from the floor, breathing heavily through gritted teeth, “Randy made me swear.”  He stomped over to the fridge, punching it so violently, the sound sent shivers through me.  I had never seen him snap like this.  For the first time, I was actually scared of him.  I must have let out a cry from fright, because Walker face switched back instantly.  His jaw line softened, his eye rounded and lightened into their pale green.

“Mags.” He whispered, kneeling down next to me as tears rolled silently down my cheeks.  I was cringing, holding my knees to my chest, staring in the dent Walker had just put in my stainless steel fridge.  “Look, my home sucks, Randy knew that.  So when our numbers got called he asked me to stick around here with the only real family ever had.  That’s all.”

Walker’s arms were wrapped around my body and I let myself melt into him, nodding into his chest, “You just scared me that’s all.  I’ve never seen that side of you before.”

He pecked my forehead, leaving his lips lingering on my skin. “I promise to never let that happen again.”

I pressed myself into him harder, still a little shaken. I knew every word he uttered was true. Walker was always too loyal, and I knew he felt it was his duty to take care of Randy’s family, and that included me. It broke my heart to think that what the two of us had was just based on a soldier’s survivor’s guilt, but I was too chicken shit to bring it up. Walker made me feel safe, complete and halfway sane, and I was not willing to lose all of that due to my big mouth. So, instead of opening it to talk, I leaned up and kissed Walker firmly on the cheek.

From his knees, Walker’s strong body lifted mine effortlessly onto the counter, kissing my lips and jaw line as he set me on the chilly granite. Just being in his button-down and my panties made it easy access for his hand to wander over my thighs and stomach, and his lips searched over my neck and collarbone.

Breathing deeply, he pleaded, “Mags, just please be open and honest with me.” In between kisses of lustful passion, he continued, “I want you, I’ve wanted you, just please don’t let me screw this up.”

Kissing him back, loving every flutter that was erupting in my stomach, I said, “Walker, I want this, too. We are just going to have to work on it ...” I pushed him away a little so I could look into his eyes, making sure he heard every word. “I don’t care if it’s rough, you’re worth it and I am thankful to have you.”

His kisses softened as they lined my jaw once again and made their way back up to my lips. His muscular chest flexed against me, causing my entire body to tingle with covetous lust, as he lifted me again He started to make his way to the couch. I shook my head firmly once and he halted, stopping to look me dead in the eyes, questioning my response.

“No, not on the couch this time. Take me to my bed.” My voice came out strong and very matter-of-factly. Without another word, Walker obeyed.

We embraced our newfound comfort with each other, and with the only words that escaped Walker’s lips, I knew I was done for. “Just be honest with me, Mags, from here on out. Feel free to scream, whisper, and everything in between. I want to hear it all.”

With that, we made love to the rhythm of perfection and devotion for what felt like at least an hour, and cuddled for about that amount of time after. We lay wrapped up and intertwined in bliss and understanding, knowing it was us against the world.

I was so thankful to not be alone in my fight any longer.

19

Walker sat up and stretched next to me after we realized that we were cutting it close to getting ready for dinner with Liz and Jim. In agreeing for us to bring the dessert, he unknowingly promised I would bake one of my famous German chocolate cakes. It was Liz’s favorite, and usually my bartering chip for her amazing four-course dinners.

“Well, we better get to the store so we can start baking.” I stretched too, and then got up to tie my bed hair into a messy bun and throw on some eyeliner so I looked a little more presentable.

Wrapping me up into an inviting embrace from behind, Walker lips caressed my ear, teasing me a little. “Why can’t you just be a normal dinner guest and bring a store-bought cookie cake or something?”

I smiled, turning to look at the smoldering lust still flickering in Walker’s green eyes, trying to resist how sexy he looked without a shirt on, looking at me like that. “Because this is what I do and its Liz’s favorite. Come on! It’ll be fun! You can help me.”

With an innocent, mockingly cute face, Walker shook his head. “Mags, I can’t bake, I’ll burn the house down.”

“Well, frankly, you don’t have a choice. I need a sous chef and you’re it, so go get dressed and I’ll make us a list.”

Protesting a little bit more, Walker sulked on his way out of the room and I scribbled all of the ingredients onto a loose piece of paper. I was pretty excited to have dinner with Liz and Jim. I really had missed them, and with them only living a few doors down, that notion was almost silly to me. I knew I was avoiding them because of my newfound feelings for Walker, but I also knew they would support me in finding happiness, whichever road I had to take to get there.

I started to rummage through my cabinets and pantry, checking ingredients off my list left and right, realizing I had everything except for the German baker’s chocolate and shaved coconut in my kitchen. I began to line up all the needed items, when a low groan came from behind me. “Mags, is it bad I’m nervous to see the McManus’?”

Walker was standing in the doorway, head down, hands in his pockets, with a solemn look on his face. It was an uncomfortable contrast to my excitement, which confused and pained me. I made my way over to him, cupping both his cheeks in my hands, bringing his gaze up to meet mine. “You have the right to feel any way you do, Walker.” I paused, let my words sink in and then continued. “If you’re not feeling up to going or are going to be uncomfortable being there, then don’t go. I can make up an excuse about you eating undercooked chicken for lunch and they’ll be fine. I’ll have a quick dinner and then come home to you.”

Walker pressed his cheek against mine, took a deep breath, kissed me quickly then shook his head, all in rapid fire. “No, love. Look at you! You’re beaming. How could I miss that, or be scared of it?” He smiled down at me and kissed my cheek again. “Liz and Jim are family. They’ll be supportive over anyone else.”

I hugged tightly around Walker’s waist. “Exactly!”

I started to go over the list of things we needed to do for our baking afternoon. “First, I'll get the last two ingredients, and then teach you how to froth egg whites, and you’ll make the frosting while I do the other stuff.” I was going a mile a minute, bouncing up and down in the kitchen.

Walker grabbed my shoulders to stabilize me, and his face lit up with joy, “Mags, I haven’t seen you like this in, I really don’t know how long. How about this; I’ll run to the store, you preheat the oven and get started, and I’ll be back soon.”

I nodded yes, “That’s perfect. Thanks, love!”

He dug his keys out of his pocket, took the list of two things out of my hand and wrapped me. “Please stay this happy, you’re my joy. When you’re happy, it’s contagious to me.”

I looked up at Walker, smiling with tears forming, but they felt different. They were happy, I was happy. It was such a foreign feeling I was almost unnerved. “I’ll be happier once you’re back and we can get this ball rolling.” Of course, I was joking, and Walker shot me a playful grin before heading out the door.

Walker only took long enough at the store for me to straighten my hair and have a few sips of a jack and ginger to keep up with my effervescent mood. Once he came in, I made him a drink and we put on aprons. With much protesting on Walker’s part, but I finally got him to wear a ‘kiss the cook’ pink apron with bright red lips on it; the sight was just adorable and I obeyed the writing’s command more than once.

Surprisingly, Walker was a big help and knew his way around the kitchen more than he let on. Within no time, the icing was in the fridge chilling, and the smell of baking chocolaty goodness was engulfing my entire home. I breathed in the delectable smell with every chance I got; it reminded me of a time when I was free of heartache, guilt, and emotion.

While waiting for the cake to finish baking, Walker and I, each with a batter-covered beater in hand, made our way to the couch to relax. Walker’s mood had noticeably lightened, the looks of worry and shame vanished. I was so relieved. It was going to be hard enough with Jim and Liz finding out that I was shacking up with Walker.

I snuggled down into the crook of Walker’s arm and licked the uncooked cake off the cool metal, enjoying every minute of this bliss. “Walker, thanks for this. I know you’re not too excited about dinner. It means a lot to me.”

He shuffled next to me so our eyes could meet, a soft expression lay on his lips along with some left over chocolate from his beater. “Mags, I was just being dumb. Tonight means a lot to me, too. I love Jim and Liz like they were my own parents.” He looked away for a second, his voice growing a little more distant. “Maybe, I just don’t want to upset them.”

I rested my head gently on his shoulder as the buzzer sounded for me to take the cake out of the oven. Talk about being saved by the bell. The truth was, I felt the same way Walker did. There was no way I would ever be ready to tell my dead husband’s parents that I was in a relationship, let alone with their son’s best friend. But, they would find out eventually, and I wanted to be the one they heard it from, not the grapevine.

Calling out from the kitchen, into the living room where Walker still lazily lay on the couch, I said, “Want to come see our masterpiece?” I smiled as he walked into the kitchen while I spread the cool frosting over the steaming cake layers, letting it melt and drip over the sides perfectly.

“Where’d you learn how to make this?” Walker smiled and took some of the coconut frosting onto his finger to taste it.

“Actually, I taught myself. I had to do a lot of cooking for myself and my mom when I was a kid, so I had to learn.” I bit my lip, scraping the last of the coconut frosting from the bowl. “Besides, when your mom doesn’t give two shits, and you're ten, cake for dinner is pretty awesome.” I smiled, remembering back to those terrible days of loneliness, and having to learn to grow up too fast. It was a strange reaction, but there was nothing else I could do about it, other than smile, no use in sulking in the past was my new motto.

Walker’s hands grabbed my hips firmly, pulling me into his strong body. “I’m sorry you had to go through something like that, but damn you’re a good cook for it.”

He kissed me, breathing in deeply, as if to try to take some of my pain away, and it worked. There was passion in his kiss, even though our tongues did not meet. He buried his fingers in my locks and pulled me against him; barely a breath between us. Urgency was in his every move and my knees quivered from the intensity. If it was possible for two people to make sparks, simply by connecting at their lips, I would think we would have been a firework display in the dark. All of the frustration of my past melted away into the loving devotion I had holding onto me.

I closed my eyes and pulled away, just slightly. “Thanks Walker. I need to get dressed, be down in a second.” Walker’s round, loving eyes smiled along with the rest of his face when he saw the sadness had vanished from my expression and nodded, releasing me from his grip.

I dressed quickly in a pink, flowing top, tight skinny jeans, and my favorite cork wedges. I dabbed on a little bit of makeup and threw my hair into a ponytail. Somewhere along the way of cooking, the flatiron job I had done earlier was non-existent, and my hair resembled a tangled lion’s mane. There definitely was not enough time to tame my crazy mess, so I had to contain it somehow.

Walker and I got to the front step of my in-laws, and before we could get close to the threshold, Liz’s beaming face was staring at us from the doorway, arms outstretched wide. The three of us hugged as Liz said, “You two live so close and never come over. This is such an amazing treat.”

As I walked into the house, the smell of smoked brisket filled my nostrils, and my mouth started to water. Jim’s smoker was one of my favorite things in the world because of how well he used it. I turned to Liz, her face still plastered with a Cheshire Cat effervescence.

“I have a surprise for you!” I started to raise the cake out from the bag I was carrying and Liz’s face lit up more.

Taking the cake from my hands, excitement oozed from her words. “Oh Margret, this is wonderful! You didn’t have to go to all this trouble.”

I took both her shoulders into my hands. “Just to see that look on your face makes it no trouble at all!”

Walker and Jim strode into the foyer with beers for both of us. Jim lifted me off the ground and cracking my back from how tightly he held me. I wrapped my arms around his neck tight, whispering in his ear as he put me down. “I missed you too.”

We all made our way to the dining table where I helped Liz bring out all the delicious looking food; mashed sweet potatoes, corn on the cob, the sliced brisket, green beans, and stewed apples. Walker leaned back in his chair, eyes wide at the spread. “Wow, guys! Y’all cooked for an army!”

Right then, the doorbell rang and Liz jumped up to answer the door. “Oh good, Mitch and Buck are here.”

I heard her say her greetings to the guys at the door, and Walker and I shrugged at each other. It wasn’t weird for Liz and Jim to extend the invitation for dinner to Mitch and his dad, especially if they had heard about the recent separation. We all got up from the table to greet the rest of our dinner party. I walked into the kitchen behind Mitch, where he was putting the case of beer he had brought into the fridge. “Hey Mitch, how’re the two of you holding up?”

He put his hand gently on my arm, his bloodshot eyes glassy as he tried to smile. “I’m not going to lie to you, Mags. It’s been rough with Dad. He’s been really depressed. I think tonight is going to be good for him.”

I nodded in agreement and through my arms around Mitch’s neck. I knew how tough it was to have a pained parent, and having to be the one to hold them together.

We all gathered at the table again and Jim raised his glass for a toast. “To family, no matter how we all became it, that’s what we are.” We offered cheers to one another and started to pass all of the amazing dishes around the table. Silence fell over us as we munched and noshed away. The only sounds that emanated for the majority of the meal were the occasional moans of delicious pleasure or, “This is amazing,” “Liz and Jim you’ve outdone yourselves,” and, “We need to do this more often.”

Once dinner was rounding an end, I got up and sliced the cake for everyone, and served it while Mitch and Walker cleared the dinner plates. Buck and Jim started small-talking about planning a fishing trip soon, with Mitch and Walker agreeing they should all go camping and fishing that following weekend along the Saint Johns River. I helped rinse some of the dishes and loaded the dishwasher to come back into the dining room to find all eyes on me.

“So, Margret, Walker just spilled the beans I guess.” Jim’s stern frown was painful to look at, and Liz’s eyes were wide with concern, darting back and forth from Walker’s ashamed face to my shock.

I took my seat next to Liz again, trying to keep my voice from shaking. “What do you mean, spilled the beans?”

My eyes locked onto Walker’s, begging for him to explain, but Jim spoke first. “Roommates is what they’re all calling it these days, real classy.” He shoved away from the table and stormed out of the room. Panic flickered into my heart as I scrambled and ran after him, slamming the sliding glass door to the patio behind me. If I was going to get scolded for shacking up with Walker, I did not want the whole room to hear it.

“Jim, I wanted to tell you myself, just the four of us. I am so sorry if you don’t approve. He’s the only thing keeping me sane right now.” I was pacing back and forth in front of Jim who was sitting on an old recliner, rocking slowly. I ran my fingers through my hair, begging myself to not completely breakdown.

“Margret, Walker is a great guy. It’s just odd, you know?” He stared at his feet for a second and  I blankly stared, hoping he would continue. Thankfully, he did. “Randy and Walker were best friends, I know that. But the way Walker always looked at you, even before the wedding, it never sat right with me, that’s all.”

“There had never been anything between us until now. Walker has always been there for me as a friend. That’s it, nothing more or less.” I sat in front of his chair and stared up into the same eyes my husband had, and they killed me. It almost felt like Randy was the one saying these words, having this conflict, admitting this to me instead of Jim.

We stayed silent and motionless for a few painstaking minutes.  Jim coughed, finally looking up from his worn out work boots, “As long as you’re happy and taken care of. I don’t really see how I could disapprove.  I was just shocked, that’s all.”

Jim gave me a warm smile, nodded his head and stood, helping me up. “Yeah, I’m probably being protective. You are my only daughter for crying out loud. Walker’s a good one.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulder to give me a quick squeeze. “I’m sure if anyone was going to be looking after you, Randy would have wanted it this way.”

We walked into a frozen scene of awkward staring. Jim nodded and smiled at Liz and she melted. “Oh, good. I have to say I’m thrilled.” She got up and hugged Walker, then me, and we were all able to enjoy our mouth-watering, delicious cake.

Buck had frosting all in his grizzly beard as he went into the kitchen to grab seconds. “Mags, this is amazing. You’re going to have to make me one of these soon.”

I beamed up at Buck’s glowing face. “I’ll make one for when you boys get back from your fishing trip. How about we do this again next Sunday? Other families have Sunday dinners, why no tours?”

Everyone agreed that it was a plan. Mitch and Buck said their goodbyes first; Buck happily left with a quarter of the cake in a doggie bag, a goofy grin plastered on this tired face. It made me remember that it truly is the little things in life that matter. I needed to start letting go and just enjoying the ride. I figured dinner was a breakthrough of some kind, and I was ready to get the progress ball rolling.

Walker and I sat on the couch with Liz and Jim for a glass of rosé wine and chatted. Jim told us he finally planned on retiring at the end of the month, Liz raved about her new book club, and Walker and I soaked in their happiness. Even though it was odd how we were all glued together by a ghost, we had become family through it all, maybe dysfunctional and broken, but what family isn’t?

20

Sipping on our wine and laughing along with story after story, and joke after joke felt amazing. Being able to not feel confined or restricted in my newfound happiness of my relationship with Walker was one of the most amazing feelings I could have ever hoped for. Jim leaned over, topping off Liz’s and my wine glasses with the end of the bottle of rosé, winking at me. Our little scuffle fell into the past and our wonderful pseudo father-daughter relationship went on as normal. Jim had always known about my father walking out on my family when I was just a kid, and from day one he made it his mission to treat me like a daughter. Even though, with the loving fatherly advice, comes some hard pills of honesty to swallow, I would not have traded him for the world.

“How has work been treating you, Margret?” Jim relaxed back into the couch, pulling his hiccupping, giggling, wife into his arms.

Sighing, I rolled my eyes. “There was an electrical fire.” Liz gasped and threw her hand over her mouth, and I continued, “Oh, don’t worry, no one was hurt. It was my wing of the hospital, so where the offices are, not where the patients' rooms are.” Once Liz looked relieved I added, “So, I haven’t been to work for a bit, but they are still paying me. It’s been an awesome deal. I have to go back soon, though.”

“I bet.” Jim laughed to himself, shaking his head and smiling as he took another sip from his glass.

Walker’s phone vibrated in his pocket and he got up to answer it. I continued to small talk with my in-laws about what Jim was going to do in retirement. Even though he deserved to have some time for himself to relax after working as a mechanic for over forty years, I could tell that he was not thrilled about the situation.

“Yup, I’m going to have loads of time on my hands. If you ever need something fixed around the house or on that old truck of yours, you’ll definitely know where to find me.” He huffed and grumbled a little and Liz shook her head.

“I told him if he didn’t want to retire he could just cut back a little on his hours. But you know Jim; he’s an all or nothing type of guy.”

Walker strode back into the room, yawning and then beamed down at me. “That was, uh, Jeff.” He rubbed the back of his neck again, trying to find the appropriate words for where this conversation was going. Even though the McManus’s knew Walker and Randy were inked, it was not something they enjoyed hearing about. In this case, ignorance was bliss, and I could see Walker’s face twisting a little to find the words.

I got up from the couch and looked at him with a playful smirk. “Do you want to go hang out with him for a bit?”

Walker’s grin grew and he nodded. “Yeah, that would be great, he seems a little lonely right now. That’s usually the only time he ever calls.”

We hugged Liz and Jim goodbye, and confirmed our new plans of Sunday family dinners. Once the door was safely shut behind us, Walker threw his arm around me and started to walk us back to my house.

“Jeff has enough time tonight to do the tattoo I wanted.” His eyes lit up, shining from the streetlights lining our short distance home.

I could feel the excitement oozing from Walker’s pores. “You’re going to finish your leg tonight?” I looked up at him and couldn’t help but smile at his goofy, grinning expression.

“Yes. But I have kind of a new idea. It’s going to be perfect.” He tugged me until I crashed into his side for him to hold me and opened up the passenger’s door of his truck for me.

I stopped short of getting in, and he looked down at me with a questioning eyebrow raised. I looked up at him, put my hand on his cheek and smiled. “Let’s take the Mercedes! She needs to get out of the garage, and that way you don’t have to drive after your tattoo.”

Walker leaned down and kissed me softly on my forehead, breathing gently. “You’re the best. That would be amazing.”

I ran inside and grabbed my car’s keys off the holder next to the door. I drove it so little that I did not feel the need to have the keys bulking up my key chain. My bag already felt like it weighed a thousand pounds most days, I needed all the help I could get to lighten it up.

I opened the detached garage door and slid into my comfortable tan leather seats. Walker climbed in after me and took an obnoxious breath in. “She smells new!” He shot me a quick smirk and rested his hand on my knee. “Thanks again for driving and coming with me. I feel better about getting work done when you’re there.”

Before starting the engine, I looked up into Walker’s warm stare and melted. “Walker, I’d do anything for you. Just like you would for me. Now let’s go get a needle driven into that leg of yours.”

It was so surprising how quiet and smooth my car was compared to Randy’s old truck. I knew the main reason I drove it was for comfort and memories, but driving the Mercedes again reminded me why I had fallen in love with it during my test drive. It took turns perfectly, had an upgraded sound system with satellite radio, turn by turn navigation, seat cooling and heating, all leather, power and wood grain; she was completely decked out.

Once the chime over the door dinged making our entrance known to the empty tattoo shop, my heart started to race. Even though I was not the one about to get a new piece of work, I still felt anxious. Memories of my recent endeavor sent chills down my spine while I rubbed my hipbone. My tattoo had healed wonderfully and it just felt like skin again, but I didn’t think I would ever be able to forget just how it felt to get my bird inked into my skin.

With a big, beaming grin, Jeff came out to greet Walker and me in the lobby. “Hey guys, come on back. I just finished drawing out the new stencil of your compass. It’s going to be fucking sick, man.”

Walker walked over and half-hugged Jeff. “Yeah, for sure! I’m stoked. Let’s go check it out.” Walker’s arm wrapped around my shoulders and he brushed his lips against my forehead before starting to head back into the tattooing section of the shop.

Jeff’s station was all prepped and ready to go for Walker. I chuckled a little when Jeff pulled out the razor and started to shave Walker’s lower leg.

Walker shot me a playful smirk. “What’s so funny, punk?”

I crossed my arms over my chest, taking my seat a few feet away from the table Walker was lounging on like he was at a spa instead of a tattoo shop. “Oh, nothing. I just think it’s funny to see my boyfriend’s leg getting shaved by another dude, that’s all.” I smiled back at him with a cocky grin until I looked at Jeff’s awed expression as he stared at me then Walker.

I threw my hand over my gaping mouth at my casual title drop. I had never used that term to refer to Walker before, and the realization of how comfortably it rolled off my tongue took me aback.

Quickly, Jeff’s expression turned excited and beamed up at Walker. “This tattoo makes more sense now. Congrats guys, I’m happy for you!”

His words were sincere, but I didn’t understand what he meant by the tattoo making more sense. I hadn’t seen the sketch yet, and assumed Walker was still getting the compass as he had planned months back.

I jumped up once the stencil was in place to see what was going on for myself. Already on Walker’s leg was a tattoo of a red fish on a line, and a boat with a fisherman who had caught it. Just like planned, there was a compass ready to join in the collage and I couldn’t understand what Walker’s new idea was, or what Jeff meant by his comment. But, instead of getting to the bottom of it, I decided to approve of it and see for myself when it was finished.

Walker clapped Jeff on the shoulder, excitedly checking out the outline of the image that would soon be on his body forever. “Jeff, that’s perfect! Let’s do this!”

Walker’s body relaxed back onto the table and found a comfortable position. When he gave Jeff a swift head nod, the buzzing sounded and the gun went to work. The entire time, Walker stared at me with loving eyes, talking to Jeff and me about nothing too important. Soft jazz music played in the background, and I clung to Walker’s hand. It flexed every time Jeff passed over his bone or got close to the tender sections of his ankle.

Stopping to wipe the sweat from his brow and stretch out his back, Jeff looked down at us. “Walker, you wanna get this color in here, or call it a night?”

Walker’s eyes shot me a questioning look and I shrugged. “If you want to finish it tonight, I don’t mind.” I didn’t have anywhere to be and it was only eleven.

Walker nodded at me. “Yeah, let’s get this sucker finished.”

Taking his seat, Jeff smiled and got back to work without another word, concentrating on color combinations and making sure the water and compass blended in seamlessly to the boat and fish. I glanced over a few times to see the masterpiece, starting to become amazing. “Babe, it’s awesome!” I squealed.

Curiosity took over and I had to ask Jeff. “Where is everyone? I’ve never seen the shop empty before.” It was odd to me that we were the only ones in the shop that night; every station empty, not even the burly owner was there.

“Well, I actually bought the shop last week and am going to keep the shop closed on Sundays.” Jeff seemed so stoked about his newfound status as owner-artist-operator, and I could not have been more thrilled for him.

“That's wonderful! You’ve wanted to open your own shop since I can remember.

Congratulations!” Walker smiled at my enthusiasm, flinching a little when the white started to go in for the finishing touches.

Jeff stopped for a second to shake out his hand. “Yeah, I’m going to use Sundays to tattoo my friends and shit, and give the guys a night off. They bust their balls all week, and if they’re not careful they’re gonna get fucking arthritis and ruin their careers. No amount of money is worth me losing one of my best guys from overworking them.”

I nodded my head in approval of Jeff’s decision. The notion of him truly caring for his staff was comforting, and I was glad someone that kind-hearted had finally caught a break and started to follow his dream.

Next thing we knew, Walker’s ink session was finished and he was checking out his new piece in the mirror. “Jeff, it’s perfect! Mags, come take a look.”

I bent down to get a good look at his freshly tattooed shin. The water was deep blue and rolling under the boat, splashing up over the fish breaching, and then crashing into rocks where a compass lay on its side.

Then, I saw it, a mistake and I gasped. “Wait, Jeff!” He looked down where I was pointing, obviously not seeing what I was. “Jeff! That’s an M! Not an N for north!”

He looked down at me like I was a crazy person, and then shot a swift look over to

Walker before speaking. “Yeah, that’s what he wanted, and now that you guys are together, it makes sense why he changed the design of it.”

I gaped at Walker, hoping he would say something, but he just stood there, staring at the floor, digging his hands in his packets. “Well, Walker, explain this right fucking now or I am leaving your ass here and you can Goddamn walk home!”

I was furious and confused and panicking. Walker jumped up off the table, and wrapped his arms around me, drawling charmingly in my ear, “Please, don’t be mad babe. But, Mags …” his eyes were pleading as he pulled away just enough so I could look at him, still scathing mad. “You’re my true north. No compass would point me in any other direction but to you.”

My mouth fell open and my throat went dry as tears started to well up in my eyes. I did not know how I felt about the tattoo, but I knew Walker’s words dripped with sincerity and that they were some of the most beautiful words I had ever heard. I pulled his shirt, making him get as close to me as possible and then hugged him tightly.

Walker kissed my hair, breathing softly. “I’m sorry, Mags. I should have told you.”

I nodded into his chest. “Yeah, you should have told me. That was shocking. But you’re cute. You know that?”

From the background, I heard Jeff’s nervous chuckle. “Uh, should I leave you two alone or something?”

I broke from Walker’s arms and wiped my face off with both hands. “No, Jeff, it’s all good. I’m going to get this big oaf home.”

I winked at Jeff and his nerves melted into a warm smile. “Alright, catch you guys later. Mags, when you’re ready for the next tat, remember Sundays are always open for ya.”

I hugged Jeff goodbye. “Thank you, but I think it is going to be a while before I gather up enough courage to endure that again.”

“Oh come on, you sat like a pro! You’ll want another, sooner than you want to admit.”

All I could do was smile shyly and give him a quick wave before I was out the door. Damp, sticky warm engulfed my body as I stepped out into a light rainstorm. I hated the smell of hot, wet asphalt, and it made me scrunch my nose while I unlocked the car and slid into the driver’s seat. Walker got in right after me and nervously stared at his feet, rubbing his palms together, “So are you really not mad, or were you just putting on a show in front of Jeff?”

I could hear the distress in Walker’s voice and I sat and thought about his question for a moment. I wanted to be furious that he did something like that and didn’t even warn me  first, but the meaning behind it touched me so deeply, there was no way I could ever be mad at him for it. Finally, I broke the awkward silence, shifting to look directly into Walker’s hopeful eyes. “No, I’m not mad. Next time you are going to mark your body with something that involves me, let’s at least talk about it first so I don’t get blindsided.”

Walker took my hand in his and promised, and that was all I needed to hear. I melted into the thought of how much Walker really cared about me, and my heart felt lighter than it had in months, and heavier all at the same time.

Once we were home, Walker and I drank a beer, and cuddled up together in bed after I rubbed his new tattoo with ice and washed it for him just like he had done for me not too long before. I fell asleep cradled in his arms, content and happy with our situation and how well everything was finally starting to fall together.

21

The next few days droned on. Since my office was not going to be ready before Wednesday, I decided to start working Monday morning, bright and early, from home. I could have waited, but I was already going to be behind enough as it was, and I knew I needed to step up. My boss and co-workers had been so understanding with me in the wake of Randy’s death and never pushed me to go the extra mile, or even show up some days, always picking up my slack. I felt like they deserved for me to be a team player again.

I think some of it came from needing to get back into the groove of normalcy in some way. Walker’s new tattoo really started to drive the point home that my life was changing, mostly in wonderful ways, but I was never good with change and work was always my constant. I forced myself to get out of bed and dressed for a normal workday, leaving Walker fast asleep as I went to take a shower.

I made a pot of coffee, grabbed my work laptop and started to sift through all of my emails. And that was where I pretty much stayed for the better part of two days. There was a mountain of messages to sift through, tons of calls to make, and too many asses to kiss for me not to feel sick by the end of the day on Tuesday. I had started to look forward to my sessions with Dr. Davenport more and more as they went on.

I was proud of the progress I had been making. Even though I gave most of the credit to myself, I knew the jolt to kick-start all of my newfound confidence, happiness, and ability to cope with my loss, was all in the hands of my pint-sized shrink.

I sat in the freezing waiting room, damning myself for not bringing a jacket with me; finally entertained by a light-hearted romance novel I had shoved in my bag right before I left Liz and Jim’s. It was one that Liz had just finished reading with her new book club and I figured I would give it a try. I was taken off guard that a group of retired women were reading a smutty, new adult novel about a girl who moved half way across the country to run away from her past that ended up following her anyway, but I guess you could never get too old for a great read.

I was enthralled by the main character’s description of her new love interest’s handsome build when an obnoxiously loud bang came from within Candice’s office. I shrilled and bolted for the door while the girl in the reception window cried out to me to not go in. I heard her talking to a dispatch operator, saying there was a gunshot in their office and to send police right away.

Once those words registered, I flung the door open without giving it a second thought. To my horror I had just opened the door onto one of the most gruesome sights I had ever had the misfortune of witnessing. Everything started to get foggy as a panic attack came on.

The next thing I knew, I was sitting on the back of an ambulance with a paramedic telling me I was safe now, wrapping a blanket around my shivering, wet, sticky body. I looked down at my hands to find a horrific sight of dried blood and the scene all rushed back into my mind. The sight of Candice’s lifeless body slumped over in her chair right across from the spot where I always sat on the couch flooded my mind, and made my eyes sting and water. In the spot that I usually took, was the man with the sunken, sad eyes. He stood with a look of fear, hate and pain plastered on his pale face. All of the times I had seen him shuffle out of Candice’s office, I never thought of him as dangerous or deranged, just a sad-looking man with lifeless eyes.

I was ripped away from my thoughts, by the repeated question, “Miss? May we ask you a few questions? I’m Officer Rogers.”

I finally willed my eyes to focus and made eye contact with a short, plump officer gripping a pad and pen in his hands. He looked at me with sympathetic eyes that I knew all too well from the looks people gave to me once they found out I was a widow. I swallowed while my voice shook. “Y-yes, of c-course. I-I’m Margret McManus. I-I am … uh … was Dr. Davenport’s patient.”

He put a comforting hand on my shoulder and continued, “I need to know everything you saw, Ms. McManus. Whatever you can remember will be helpful.”

I nodded, tears streaming from my eyes. “There was a terribly loud sound that burst through the entire office, and the receptionist said it was a gunshot, so I reacted. Right after I opened the door and the evil, hollow man saw me in the doorway, he briefly aimed his pistol at me, then shot himself in the head and fell onto the couch. I ran to my doctor’s body and wrapped her up in my arms, rocking her until the police arrived, and they pulled me out of the office while I tried to hang onto her, begging them to help her.”

All of the words spilled from my lips without me realizing it. Until that moment, I didn’t even know what had happened. I ended my story with choking sobs and I apologized to Officer Rogers for my hysterics.

Grabbing a hankie out of his pocket, handing it to me. “Thank you, Ms. McManus. Your account is going to be very helpful. Please don’t apologize. What you saw was very traumatic. Is there someone I can call to come and get you?”

I nodded and without realizing it, my mother’s number rattled off my tongue. I was in shock, she was the last person I would have consciously considered as my emergency contact, but there was a little part of me that just wanted the comfort of my mother.

It didn’t take more than ten minutes for my mom’s little silver Prius to come zooming into the crime scene like a bat out of hell. She flew out of the driver’s seat and rushed to my side where one of the paramedics was helping me wash some of the blood off my arms and hands. My mother shrieked when she saw me. “Oh my baby! Are you hurt?!” She shrieked again and the paramedic explained that it wasn’t my blood while my tongue was tied into a million knots.

I couldn’t make eye contact with her still, but I mustered up a fake smile. “Thanks for coming so quickly Mom, I really want to get home and take a shower. I need to wash this appalling sight off of me and out of my mind.”

Surprisingly, my mom did not play twenty questions with me, or even protest in leaving the paramedic’s care without making them do a strip search on me for a just-in-case exam for something they might have missed. All she did was wrap her arm around my waist, hold me, whispering under her breath, “Thank God you’re alright, sweetheart.”

We drove to my house in silence, while I stared blankly out the window. A sigh of relief came over me when I saw Walker’s truck was not in the driveway. I had not gotten around to telling my mom about how my relationship with him had evolved, and I was not prepared to hear the “I knew it. I told you that you two were meant to be together” speech.

We walked into the house, and my mom made a beeline for the kitchen, while I made my way to the stairs to escape into my shower for as long as possible. Once I was halfway up the stairs, my mom called up to me, “Do you want me to stay honey? I could make you and Walker something for dinner.”

It took a second, but it clicked. I turned quickly to face my mom, arms crossed, glaring at her, half-mad, half confused. “What do you mean, me and Walker?”

She looked a little nervous for a second, then fessed up. “I know you two are living together.” Rage started to boil, threatening to spill over.

I fought it back and calmly let only one word escape, knowing if I attempted more, I would lash out hastily and never get the answer. “How?”

“Umm …” I glared at her ready to start screaming when she paused, but I think she saw it first and make the right move to not piss me off at the moment.“I am in the book club with Liz. She assumed I knew about the arrangement, and I never corrected her.”

Before I could freak out completely, the front door crashed open with a panicked Walker standing in the doorway. “Oh Mags, I was so fucking worried, I saw there was a shooting on the news at your doctor’s office, when I got there they didn’t know who you were.” His chest heaved from his deep breaths as he tried to calm himself down. “I was so fucking scared you were hurt.” And with that he was on the stairs next me, hugging my body so tightly into his, making it difficult for me to breathe. My world stopped and my heart started to calm down for the first time since the gunshot pierced my ears.

He looked down at me, pressing his cheek against mine. I smiled pushing him away gently. “I’m alright, just a little shaken up.”

My mom gave a fake cough to remind us that she was there, still standing at the bottom of the stairs, staring at us. Walker quickly whipped around. “Thanks for bringing Mags home, Elena.”

My mom smiled warmly, with an eyebrow raise that tempted my temper to flare again. “Not a problem, Walker. Well, my work here is done. Margret, I will call you in the morning to check on you.”

Thankful she was leaving so easily, I agreed and thanked her for being there for me. Once the door was shut behind my mom, Walker picked me up and carried me right into the shower. “I figured you would want to clean up a little bit, babe. I’ll just be right outside if you need me.” Walker reached in and turned the water on to warm up, kissed me on the cheek and went into my room. I could hear the TV drone from behind the closed door. A sense of relief came over me knowing Walker was so close, ready to jump into action at any moment to protect me.

I made the mistake of looking into the mirror before getting ready to hop in the shower. My hair was matted with blood from the tips up about five inches. My right cheek had a few blood streaks running across it, and both of my arms and hands had a faint residue of crimson, as did my shirt and the top of my jeans. I was a ghastly sight, and the horrors started to replay in my head. Over and over I was rocking my therapist’s motionless body in my arms; hot, sticky blood pouring out of her chest and all over me.

Making my way under the hot water, I sat on the floor and held myself for as long as the water stayed scalding. Every now and then, I scrubbed my entire body as hard as I could with my loofah. I cried out loud, screamed, thrashed, and trembled.

I remained motionless, dipping wet, even after I turned off the water, until a gentle tapping came from the door. Without waiting for my response, Walker came into the bathroom with a big fluffy towel and a glass of red wine, setting the wine on the counter and wrapping the towel around my body as he helped me out of the shower. The warmth from the fluffy fabric sent goose bumps all over my chilled body. “Walker this is so sweet of you!”

He rubbed his hands over my body to help the towel dry me off. “It’s always comforting to have a right-out-of-the-dryer towel.”

The Walker I always had seen was a jerk most of the time, with gentleman-like undertones. I had no idea how amazingly romantic, thoughtful and caring he truly was. It almost made me feel bad for never peeling back the layers of his personality until now, but I just chalked it up to it being better late than never.

I took the wine from the counter and got dressed in the comfiest pair of pajamas I could find. Ever since Walker moved in, I stopped wearing Randy’s old clothes and started wearing my lounge pants and tank tops to sleep. I didn’t think it was respectful to either of the men for me to don Randy’s clothes in bed with Walker. It became another small victory for me though. Sleeping in Randy’s clothes always helped me feel like he was still curled up close to me at night. It was one less thing I relied on him for.

We crawled into bed, sipping on wine with the TV on for background noise. He did not pressure me to talk about what had happened. We sat for the most part in silence, me in his arms, while he stroked my side gently with his fingertips until I was lulled into a peaceful sleep.

22

For a little over a week, I was in zombie mode again. I had repeated nightmares of the horrific murder of my therapist. Even though she had only been in my life for a short period of time, Candice Davenport had become very influential, instrumental, and important to my healing process and my newfound happiness. It was just one more setback my mind could not seem to deal with.

Even though I begged them not to, the guys postponed their fishing trip so

Walker and Jim could stay and help take care of me. I took the rest of the week off work, using the time to lock myself in my house, eat junk food, and hang out with Walker.

Luckily, he was good at being silent, caring and doting. I was so thankful he was there. Every night he held me while my nightmares took over, waking me up in panics and sobs. He would rock me to sleep in his strong, protective arms, stroking my hair, kissing my cheeks and whispering that everything was going to be alright. He always made it a point to remind me that he would never let anything hurt me,

A little too fast, Monday morning rolled around again, signaling the first day back to work. I rolled over to crack my eyes just enough to see that my clock on the nightstand said I had two more hours to sleep, but my body was saying otherwise. The stab of longing for my late husband hit my heart when I remembered the dream I had about him. Between the two of us, Randy was the more romantic one, and loved to surprise me as often as he could. I had dreamt about one morning when he woke up me up with a bouquet of long stem red roses and instructed me to get dressed.

Randy had called me out of work sick before I had even woken up so I wouldn’t feel guilty about playing hooky, saying, “Well, what’s done is done. It would be a waste to not take advantage of it.” We ended up driving to the historic district of St. Augustine, and ran around the old city exploring. He had made reservations at an upscale restaurant on the water and a beautiful suite at a historical hotel. For no particular reason, he showed me time and time again how much he cared about me.

Memories and dreams like those made it impossible to push my pain away and I felt like the wind had been knocked from my chest. Burning tears formed in my eyes as I pulled my pillow on top of my face, trying to fight back the flood of emotions. The only relief this dream gave, was that the grotesque scene of Candice’s bloody body, wrapped in my arms while I knelt on the floor screaming and crying had left me alone for one evening.

All of a sudden, my senses were awakened when the other side of my bed moved a little. Shit! Walker! My best friend, turned new roommate slash lover had not crossed my mind until that point. Realizing I had completely forgotten about him for a moment sent guilt flying through my body; I took a deep breath as his arms grabbed for me, pulling my back into his exposed burly, upper body. Feeling his warmness made me relax slightly, finally remembering he was amazingly comforting at times like this.

For the next few minutes, I let myself push Randy, my adulterous feelings, and my horrible memories out of my mind, trying to enjoy Walker’s smooth, bare ruggedness pressing against me. He gently stroked my arm, lulling me back into light sleep until my alarm clock rudely interrupted our cuddling. I could feel Walker sigh against my neck, leaning over me to hit the snooze button.

My eyes shot open and reluctantly, I pulled away from his slightly aroused body, climbing out of bed. As I scampered off to the bathroom for a steaming hot shower, he grumbled about only needing five minutes in a husky drawl.

As the water cascaded down my back, my stiffness finally started to unwind. Missing my husband was never going to go away; I just wished that the guilt of still living would. And now with Candice on my conscience too, the pain was amplified.

I willed myself to push the aching thoughts out of my head, trying to replay Candice’s great advice over and over in my mind.

“Margret, I don’t want you to start to think you have to forget about your loved ones who are gone and get over them. Life is about remembering the good times and reminding yourself that there is always still good in the world. Can you try to do that?”

I could hear her voice and I promised again, to her and myself, that I was going to embrace life and honor my loved ones’ lives that way. Both Randy and Candice would not want me to be sad that they were no longer with me, but to be glad I had them in my life.

I felt a new sense of strength, a small ember starting to glow in the pit of my stomach. It was a wonderful little spark of courage and I was planning on running with it. With a swift kiss to Walker’s cheek while he still slept curled up in my blankets, I was off to work.

The day passed by slowly. Finally, I looked at my phone, seeing I only had five more minutes of boredom and a missed text message from Walker. A smile formed on my lips as I read:

I have a surprise for you. See you soon :)

Butterflies flitted in my stomach, excited that Walker was being romantic. He was caring, but there was always something holding him back. In the last week, it seemed like he was coming out of his shell a little bit, and it was time for it to break wide open.

I flew out of my office and rushed home. I was so thankful the traffic on my hour drive home was lighter than usual. When I opened the front door, I was saddened to find the house was empty. Sullenly, I went into the kitchen to open up my wine fridge. I grabbed a bottle of pinot and went to the cupboard for a wine glass. In front of my stemware was a card with my name scrawled across the front in Walker’s impressively neat handwriting. I smiled and opened up the card to read:

Thought I would stand you up? I think you know me a little better than that, Mags! Surprised at how well I know you? Be ready by 7:30. Wear something comfortable. Jeans and boots are preferred ;) Pour yourself that glass of wine and get ready!

-Walker

I grinned and giggled to myself like a school girl. Glancing down at my phone, I realized I had just about an hour to get ready. I did as Walker instructed, pouring a glass full of my nectar, and headed up the stairs to get ready. I pulled my hair out of the low pony tail and turned my flat iron on. Redoing my eye makeup into a smoky eye and straightening my hair made me feel a little bit sexier than usual I grabbed my favorite pair of boot-cut, low-rise, dark wash jeans and a light pink tank top, and checked out myself in the mirror. I smiled at myself, satisfied with my efforts. As I was pulling on my boots, my phone vibrated on the bed next to me with a text message from Walker:

You have five minutes, come downstairs when you’re ready.

The butterflies returned as I headed down the stairs to find Walker standing in the front room waiting for me. He looked incredibly handsome. His military style haircut had just been trimmed up, but his slightly scruffy, three day old beard left a sexy shadow on his strong jaw line that drove me crazy. He was wearing a tight fitting black button down that clung to his large arms. His loose fitting jeans were pulled over his snakeskin boots. I couldn’t help but melt a little when I realized he was holding one single long stem red rose.

Walker’s warm green eyes met mine as we both smiled at each other. He reached out his freehand to take mine, his voice was soft and inviting. “You look perfect. I hope you’re ready.”

I walked to him, wrapping my arms around his waist, giving him a tight squeeze. “Thank you for this,” I whispered into his ear, and kissed his cheek, taking the rose and setting it on the front room table. He opened the door for me and we were off on our adventure.

The entire time we were driving Walker held my hand, running his thumb in circles in my palm. Riding with him, just talking about our days was incredible. His warm smile spread across his face every time I started to tell him even the simplest of stories. Walker really was a fantastic listener, always waiting for me to finish and chiming in with input at all the correct times.

I was happily surprised when we pulled into the parking lot of Charlie’s. I guess Walker really does know me well. He squeezed my hand and looked over at me with his sexy half smile. “I thought this was more our speed. Todd is working, don’t worry I checked.” I smiled back at him and started to get out of the truck, so excited to see my favorite bartender, even though the last time we talked he caught me off guard. Now that Walker and I were no longer hiding our relationship, I was kind of excited to show Todd he was right all along.

When we walked into Charlie’s, I could see that on the backs of our regular bar stools there was paper taped on, saying they were reserved. I smiled and squeezed Walker’s hand/“This is perfect,” I cooed kissing his soft lips. He grinned and led me over to the bar, pulling out my seat while I waved at a familiar, flamboyant smile at the other end of the bar.

Todd greeted us with our usual beers and didn’t even have to ask what we wanted to eat, making sure to shoot me a knowing glance and a quick wink right when we sat down. We sat, talking and laughing with Todd, who after all of these years, was more of a friend than a bartender. He kept the beer flowing and after about twenty minutes of chatting, our burgers came out just the way we liked them. Mine was smothered with extra sharp cheddar melted over crispy bacon, covered with jalapenos, lettuce, tomato, and red onion. Walker’s was dripping with barbecue sauce, sautéed onions, lettuce, tomato, raw onions, and pickle chips. My mouth watered through every delectable bite. I giggled as barbecue sauce slid down Walker’s chin and I wiped it away for him.

He grinned at my gesture and leaned into me, pecking my cheek quickly; “Thank you, beautiful.” My cheek was warm where his lips had landed, sending the warmth all the way down to my toes.

Once our meals were done, we set off again. I sat up a little straighter in my seat of his black Ford when I noticed that Walker was pulling his truck onto our college campus. It had been a long time since I’d been in this section of the school, and I had no idea why he would want to take me there so late at night. I was a little numb from all of the beer sloshing in my stomach, so I went with the flow and did not ask the questions that were buzzing around my head. Walker pulled into a guest spot next to the Communications Building.

As the truck pulling into its parking spot, he turned to me. “This is where some of my favorite memories from college were made.” He paused to make sure we had eye contact before finishing, “and it’s thanks to you. So, you remember this place?”

I giggled a little at how strange of a question that was. “Of course, I went to school here too, silly.”

He smiled and lightly laughed at me. “No, my dear, I meant this specific spot; it’s the first tree you ever climbed.” Walker pointed and then grabbed my hand as I smiled, remembering how, at first, Walker didn’t believe I had never climbed a tree before in my life, insisting on teaching me. While I was stumbling through my memories, Walker got out of the truck and started to head for the tree with a cooler and blanket in hand. I climbed out of the truck and went to meet Walker where he was sitting on the blanket, pulling out two pilsner beers, then opening them for us.

We toasted to our evening together, and to friends, both of us taking long draws from the bottles. I leaned into him as he pulled me close. Sitting in that spot brought back so many wonderful memories of happy times for the both of us. Reminiscing on some of them brought the memory of Randy and, to my surprise, I smiled when I realized that since I had read Walker’s text, I hadn’t thought about missing him or the terror of the bloody scene. The notion was a little freeing and we continued to laugh, carrying on about how just a few short years ago we were carefree. It was nice to feel that way again.

For hours, we sat in the cool night air reveling in this moment. I kissed Walker’s warm lips, igniting a spark of passion. Deeply kissing, Walker laid me down on my back, lightly brushing his tongue against mine. The passion started to grow between us, when Walker pulled away from me. His deep green eyes smoldered with longing. “Let’s go home. It’s getting a little late.” Walker opened the truck door for me and helped me inside.

Before closing my door, Walker leaned in and kissed the nape of my neck and then breathed, “Don’t ever forget, you’re my true north, Mags.”

I smiled and leaned into a wonderfully passionate kiss that sent chills all over my body. “Don’t worry; I don’t think I’ll even be able to with that tattoo on your leg.”

I winked at his cocky smile and he closed the door on my side. Once he was in the driver’s seat, I leaned my head against the window, happily staring out into the night’s sky.

I smiled as I looked over at Walker’s face as the street lights danced across it. The night had been perfect. Walker was perfect. I smiled to myself realizing, for the first time in so long, I was finally content and happy. I slid over into the middle of the bench seat, cuddled down into Walker’s shoulder and sighed with satisfaction. In that moment I knew all I wanted was to be in his arms. Right or wrong, that was all that mattered. Walker’s hand grabbed for mine and we headed home to ride out our passions in the privacy of my bed.

23

The next few days rolled by effortlessly. The pain and longing for Randy had started to transform into different duller pains. It started to get less often that the stabbing of longing hit my heart. The shame was still assaulting my thoughts but I needed to learn to live with “survivor’s guilt” as my doctor had titled it, and being reminded that she was no longer there to confide in was getting easier, but not by much. Cuddling up into Walker every night was helping more and more as our trust and relationship blossomed. His strong body held me until I fell asleep all through the night.

The sunlight streaming through my window felt warm on my face as I started to slowly come out of a dreamless sleep. I rolled over, snuggling up into the warm muscles to my left. His scent was intoxicating as I was lulled back into a peaceful shallow slumber. A few minutes later, I could feel rustling from under me. Groggily I attempted to move away to give a little bit more space to my bed mate. Before I could realize what words were forming on my lips, they had already escaped. “Randy, I’m sorry.” I was shocked awake, clasping both of my hands around my mouth, looking into Walker’s pained eyes. He bolted up out of my bed, still naked from our passionate night together.

His fist crashed into the headboard as a deep growl emanated from his throat. “Am I just a freaking replacement for him?”

All I could do is shake my head, too scared that my words might betray me again. Forcefully he grabbed my shoulders and shook me vigorously, his eyes almost black with his rage. “Then what the fuck, Mags? What the hell am I to you?”

Tears started to sting at my eyes. I tried unsuccessfully to bat them away; they started to surge down my cheeks and I could see the wrath boiling throughout Walker’s body. He was standing next to my bed, fists clenched to the point of his knuckles becoming white, just glaring at me. I swallowed the lump of guilt for my words down slowly as I said the only thing I could. “You’re my best friend, Walker.” I broke my eye contact with him; the pain in his eyes was too much for me to bear. “I was half asleep. Please, I didn’t know what I was saying.”

Walker grabbed his boxers from where I had thrown them the night before, hurriedly put them on and started pacing angrily next to my bed. His fists still clenched and every inch of his skin that tattoos did not cover was beet red.

The only times I had ever witnessed Walker this angry was when he was about to get in a fight, and there was no way I was going to win that battle. His pacing started to slow and he muttered to himself to calm down and remember it was an accident. Finally, he calmed down enough to unclench his fists, stop mid-step and look at me, tears running down his face.

Still shaking and crying softly, I tried to sit up a little straighter. Walker slowly took a seat close to me and wrapped his hands around mine. His voice was low and stern, not matching his words. “Mags, I’m sorry. That was an overreaction. I know you care about me.”

I wiped his tears away, smiling as much as I could force my lips to. “Walker, you mean so much to me. I don’t know what I would do without you. You’re right. That was a mistake and I will try to never let something like that happen again.”

His back stiffened and he nodded quickly, choking back some tears. “I’m gonna hop in the shower real quick and then I have to run to the store with the guys to get the last of the bait and tackle for the weekend. Do you need anything while I’m out?”

For a few seconds I stared at him. I would never be able to understand how he just snapped from one emotion to the next like that. One minute his world could be ending and the next it was all sunshine and unicorns.

“No.” I shook my head, wiping my face clean of the damp, saltiness with my sheet. “I’m good.”

I stood and kissed Walker, letting the passion flow between us. With the kiss still tingling on my lips, Walker whispered, “You mean so much to me too, Mags. Don’t ever forget that.” The warmth and sincerity of his words flowed deep down into my stomach, filling me with love and gratitude for this amazing man who put up with my loony-toon self day in and day out.

Walker left me to do my makeup, throw my messy bed hair into a bun, and slip on my heels. I still had a little bit of time to kill before I had to rush off to work, so I decided to head down to make some coffee instead of torturing myself with the awful brew that was left for hours, burning in the employee break room at the hospital.

When I passed by the hall bathroom next to Walker’s room, I was surprised to not hear the water running in the shower. I didn’t think too much of it until I heard Walker muttering quite loudly to himself, huffing in his room. The door was cracked just enough that I could see him rocking on his bed, hands clenched over his eyes while he muttered, “What the fuck man! Keep it together!” He paused, let a low growl radiate from deep in his throat and then continued. “Why the fuck did he die? It should have been me. I should be fucking dead.”

With that, his hands were removed from his blood-shot eyes and I froze as they locked on mine. I was a deer caught in the headlights and there was a car barreling right at me. Before I could take in a breath, Walker’s body slammed into mine, his hands on my shoulders, gripping tightly as we crashed into the wall behind me.

I let out a loud, painful shriek as terror consumed me. All of the rage I had seen just moments before in my room and just now in Walker’s eyes was fixated on me. I stuttered, begging for words to come out, anything to try to soothe the anger away. He was a switched that I never wanted to set off again.

Through clenched teeth, his raspy voice crackled, “What the fuck are ya doin’? Spyin’ on me?” His eyes searched mine for answers when my throat refused to let out even a peep. I just stood pressed against the wall, feeling bruises forming from under his fingers.

Finally, my voice broke out. “Walker, you’re hurting me.”

With that, instantly the kind and caring face I had grown so accustomed to recently came flooding back. His grasp turned into a loving, soothing embrace in a blink of an eye and he was apologizing. “Oh my God, I don’t know what just got into me.” He started to tremble and he rocked our bodies slowly together. “I get really angry sometimes from the war, and Randy, and wishing I could take your pain away. I guess it all just came bubbling up this morning.”

Tears started to run down my face again, messing up all my makeup. I could feel the black smearing under my eyes as Walker’s thumbs battled the droplets. His shoulders hunched as he crouched to get a better look at my eyes. “Mags, I will never let that happen again. I never want to hurt or scare you.”

I nodded and hugged him, breathing in his wonderful scent and gripping his soft shirt as tightly as I could. “We both made mistakes today, Walker, let’s just chalk it up to getting used to living together.” I looked up into his loving eyes and hoped that I would never have to see the Mr. Hyde side of him ever again. “Okay?” The words shook out of the back of my throat as a single tear rolled down Walker’s cheek.

He smiled, clinging onto me tightly and whispered, “I promise. Now get your cute little butt to work, you’re going to be late again.”

In a panic, I remembered it was Friday and that I had to make it into the office. My day was jam-packed with meetings and paperwork, and I had already been late enough. Even though my boss was tolerant and I always made sure to get my work done, I never wanted to take advantage.

I jumped into the driver’s seat of the old truck and let her engine hum as I sped out of the driveway. The morning’s events played in my mind the entire way to work. Even though I was about thirty minutes late, no one seemed to notice. I slid into my office and started to gather the paperwork and notes for my first disciplinary meeting with one of the nurses when my phone buzzed loudly on my desk. A text message from Cali shined brightly on the screen:

Hey Chica, so are the boys still going out of town this weekend? Kyle’s going to be at some cop training course until Tuesday.

I smiled, thankful I was going to have a weekend alone with Cali for a change. She had been so busy with work ever since her last business trip that we barely had spoken. She, of course, checked in on me all the time to make sure I hadn’t gone completely bat-shit crazy after the incident in my doctor’s office, but that was pretty much it. We were used to having tons of girls' outings full of shopping, primping, tanning, that I’d really started to miss my best friend.

I typed a quick message back:

They’re gone through Sunday! Yay! Girl’s weekend!

All I got back was a smiley face and I figured she and I would hammer out some solid plans after the boys packed up for their fishing adventure. With the morning that Walker and I had, this trip was coming at a perfect time. Until then, I hadn’t realized how much pressure Walker was under, and how much guilt he, too, had buried deep down in the darkest parts of his soul.

I was thankful for my meetings and heavy workload throughout the day. It helped me stay focused on other things rather than my problems at home and made the day zoom by. Right before I left the office I sent Walker a message, letting him know I was on my way home. This was not my common practice, but the last thing I wanted to do was startle him again. He let me know that he was packing up for the trip and by the time I got home all the guys would be at my house loading up the truck.

On the drive home I called Cali to see what her evening plans were. “Hey, Cal. How was work?”

She sighed into the phone. “It was slow and hot! Can you freaking believe that the A/C went out this morning and it took all day for the stupid tech to even show up. So fucking ridiculous!”

I chuckled a little at her discomfort. “At least you’re in the comfort of your car’s air now.”

“Oh you have no idea!” I could hear the relief in her voice as she continued, “So, as for this weekend, Kyle is leaving tomorrow morning. We’re having dinner tonight at his folks’ house. Let’s shoot for hanging out tomorrow starting early! So be ready.”

I was thrilled to be able to spend the whole day with Cali, but I was a little sad that she was unavailable for the evening. The thought of being alone terrified me. But I swallowed my pity party before Cali could hear it in my voice. “Perfect. Call me in the morning.”

“Alright sounds great, gotta run and get ready for this boring ass dinner! Love you!”

“Love you, too!”

Walker was right; when I pulled into the driveway, I was greeted by huge, excited grins and elated faces. Jim picked me up in one of his awesome bear hugs and spun me around. I laughed until he finally set me back down on the ground. “Well, you all look excited!”

Buck wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “This is going to be a much-needed great time. Some male bonding with friends and family is definitely what the doctor ordered.”

Mitch kissed me on the cheek and whispered in my ear to behave this weekend without them. I playfully shoved him away, smiling widely as Walker came over with a playful look on his face.

Taking me into his arms, he looked over my head at Mitch. In the sternest voice he could muster while laughing, he accused, “Are you hittin’ on my woman, man? Not fucking cool.”

Mitch jokingly pointed his finger at himself and shook his head. “Hell no,” He then threw his hands in the air innocently. “It was all her, man.” He walked away laughing, grabbing the tackle boxes and loading them in the bed of Walker’s truck.

Walker spun me around so I was facing him, looking down at me with a soft apologetic look on his face. His kissed my forehead gently. “I missed you today and I’m so sorry.” He breathed in deeply as he tightened his grasp around my waist.

I buried my face into his chest and sighed. “Oh Walker, I forgave you at seven-thirty this morning. Stop dragging out old news.” I was smiling warmly up at him, and his face finally formed into a matching expression.

The guys all said their goodbyes and Walker kissed me deeply while the gang yelled from the truck about needing to get on the road already and not wanting to see our “PDA”. I giggled and waved as they pulled away.

I sighed to myself, not knowing what I was going to do with my evening. I shrugged my shoulders and made my way through my front door. Once I flicked on the light I saw one of the most beautiful sights ever. The entire living and dining room was covered in white and yellow daisies in tons of vases of all different sizes. I was stunned that Walker had gone to all of this trouble for me, or that he had remembered daisies were my favorite flower.

I made my way through the maze of huge bouquets into my kitchen to find Chinese takeout on the breakfast table with a bottle of wine that had a card taped to it that read:

Darling,

I am sorry for everything that happened this morning. I hope you let this small gesture make up for at least some of it. Enjoy your General Tso chicken, pinot, and 'Almost Famous' (it’s in the DVD player). Have a wonderful weekend, my dear. See you soon.

With all my heart, Walker

I held the card to my chest while dialing Walker’s cell. It went to voicemail like I knew it would. Walker hated being on the phone while others were with him in a vehicle; he considered it to be rude and disrespectful. So I left him a message: “This is not a small gesture, silly! And I love it! Thank you so much. Catch lots of fish. I’m expecting dinner on Sunday, Mister. Miss you already.”

I grabbed the bottle that he had even opened for me, a glass and my food, and practically skipped into the living room where I would spend the rest of my night watching my favorite movie, gorging myself on my favorite food, and getting a little too drunk on my favorite wine. All in all it had turned out to be a lot better a day than I could have imagined. I passed out on the couch while Penny Lane was talking to Russell on the phone in William’s kitchen, for my first dreamless sleep in what felt like an eternity.

24

I was woken up by a sharp knock on my front door. Wiping the drool from my cheek as I shoved myself off of the couch, I realized I had passed out halfway through my last glass of wine the night before. I guess my attempt to numb my loneliness away was successful. I hated how much Walker affected my mood at times and how much I missed him when he wasn’t around. The loud knock came again, triggering the hangover that was sneaking into my consciousness as an awful headache. I could hear Cali fumbling through her bag, muttering something about needing a leash for her cell phone and keys.

Rubbing my eyes, I sat up and smiled when I saw all of the gorgeous flowers all over. Walker was so sweet, and this gesture made flutters of butterflies crash around in my stomach. I yawned and stretched as Cali banged on the door again, even louder this time. Getting up and stumbling around the flowers, trying not to knock any of them over, I croaked out, “Hold on, Cal. Jeez, I’m coming.”

Opening the door, squinting from the daylight, I was able to mutter, “Hey Cal, do you know what freaking time it is?”

Cali shoved past me, striding into my living room. “Yeah and look what I got.” In her hand was a pair of tickets with blurry words on them.

“Apparently my eyes aren’t awake yet.” I rubbed my face and tried to register what was going on.

Before she could tell me what was written on the pieces of paper she was holding, her eyes widened. “What the hell happened in here?” Her smile turned devilish with her next thought. “Please tell me Walker didn’t propose!” She popped her hip out and gave me a stern look of ‘you better not be engaged already bitch!’

“Fuck no! Gosh Cali, really? That’s where your mind darts to?” I might have already been in a relationship with someone, but my heart was still not healed. How could I even think about getting married again, or ever?

I rubbed my eyes again, smiling wide as I thought about Walker’s romantic gesture. “Walker and I had a little fight yesterday, so this was his apology”.

Cali smiled and shrugged. “Guess you’ll have to fight with him more often. If you get flowers like this, the make-up sex must be freaking incredible!”

Grabbing my hand, Cali bound up the stairs, pulling me along faster than my body was willing to follow. “Oh and by the way, these are tickets to The Hysterics show playing tonight over in Tampa!”

My mind processed the awesome news that was floating around in my head and excitement started bubbling.

Finally, my eyes were able to open all the way, beaming. “How the hell did you get those?” I couldn’t believe it. The Hysterics were a band that had spread like wildfire a few years ago, but Cali and I heard of them during our summer trek through the mountains to The Bonnaroo Music Festival the summer after we met. They were a no-name band back then, and we had been trying to score tickets to see them again ever since, always coming up empty-handed.

Cali giggled. “I pulled some strings, think of it as a ‘because present’ and get dressed! We’re going to Tampa!”

I went into my bathroom to freshen up while Cali picked out clothes for me to wear. While scrubbing the tannin off my front teeth, my mind started racing back to our first road trip together. Sleeping in a tent for a weekend, hot and sticky, it was a small feat for Cali, but she seemed to handle it like a champ. The music festival had been thrilling all on its own, but the highlight was getting drunk with the guys from The Hysterics the night after they played. I blushed a little, recalling how good-looking all of the guys were, and being in sheer awe of their talent.

I strode back into my room to find Cali sitting on my bed with my entire outfit picked out next to her. She looked up from playing a game on her phone. “Do you think we’ll be able to get backstage again? I really hope they remember us!”

I thought about it for a second, leaning back on one hip, the excitement bubbling up even more. “Maybe they will recognize us. It’s hopeful at best, but it doesn’t hurt to dream.”

I started to get dressed in my white shorts, black and white striped tank and boat shoes, just like Cali wanted. I figured I wouldn’t give Cali a hard time about being controlling just this once; my silent thanks for her awesome surprise.

We packed my beach bag with two bathing suits, beach towels and sunscreen, deciding that we could head over to the other coast early, soak in some rays and have a few cocktails by the water to get jazzed up for the concert. We giggled like schoolgirls as the anticipation of the show built with every moment that passed.

The next thing I knew, I was flying down the highway behind the wheel of my Mercedes, which, ever since I drove Walker to get his tattoo, I felt like driving more. Before that night, I had forgotten how much I loved to drive her, and with Cali riding shotgun, singing along to The Hysterics CD we had purchased the summer we fell in love with them, I could not have asked for a more perfect start to an adventure. My favorite song of theirs came on and I belted it at the top of my lungs, letting the crisp sea air from Tampa billow in through the open windows.

Once we got to the beach only a few miles away from the small venue where the show was, we lay out for about an hour. The beach was not too packed and the sand was warm squishing in between my toes, one of my favorite feelings.

“Cali, this is going to be great. How’d you find out about this show?” I rolled over on my towel, squinting at my best friend’s pink cheeks and a sly smile started to form.

“I get emails from their fan club. Most of the time I just delete them, but when I saw Tampa in the subject I opened it and bought the tickets on the spot.” She rolled over onto her stomach to tan her back and opened one eye to look at me. “I’ve had them for a few weeks, but surprising you is so much better!”

I gasped at her. “You’re such a little shit! I can’t believe you could keep something so exciting from me!”

All Cali did was laugh at first, and then she saw my shocked face and continued, “Mags, you’ve been in and out of a rut for a while. I figured if you knew you’d find some excuse to cancel or something, so I ambushed you and now we’re here and that’s all that matters.”

I rolled over again onto my back, closing my eyes and listened to the waves crash onto the shoreline for a little while. Cali was right. It was crazy to me to think maybe Walker and Cali really did know me better than I knew myself for the most part and especially now. Sighing, I sat up. “Well, it’s just about one and the show isn’t until seven tonight, so I think we should grab lunch and some drinks to kill some time. What do you think?”

Cali sat up next to me and hugged me. “That sounds like a plan!”

We packed everything up and made our way to the closest bar we could find. It was only about a block away, and the smell of the restaurant made my stomach rumble. We took our seats at the virtually empty bar, and ordered two light beers from a kind looking bartender that appeared to be way too young to be working behind a bar. Once the pints were resting in front of us, we raised our glasses and I toasted, “To The Hysterics and Indie rock!”

Cali giggled to my goofy cheers and we both drank.

Wiping her mouth with a little napkin, Cali turned her chair to face mine. “So, Missy, where’d those bruises come from?”

My eyes shot to my shoulder and the terrible scene of Walker grabbing me flooded back into my memory. “Walker and I got into it.  He only grabbed me for a second, but you know how strong he is.”

Cali’s face turned from a light, fun expression to pissed within a second. “Mags! What the fuck? And you’re OK with that?”

I broke eye contact with her, not knowing what to say. “No, Cal, I’m not. In the situation, it was like Walker was a different person. He’s not normally angry or anything other than perfect. I just pissed him off.”

Her eyes narrowed even more. “This is not okay, Mags. If he just gets a little pissed and snaps, what happens if he ever gets really angry?”

I put my hand on her shoulder, sighing a little. “Cali, it’s over. Thank you for being concerned, but Walker will never hurt me. He’s one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and I think I am for him too.” I took another sip to help my throat from drying out as I spoke, really hoping Cali would let this be the end of this awful conversation. “He even got a tattoo for me!”

Her lips parted slightly as her eyebrow raised. “What the fuck? What did he get? That’s crazy!”

“He got the compass he wanted on his leg, but instead of an N for north, he got an M, saying I’m his true north. Isn’t that sweet?”

Cali rolled her eyes. “It’s something, alright. I’m still concerned, but I’ll drop it for now.”

I was so relieved, and settled back in my chair to take in the awesome Jimmy Buffett and Bob Marley quotes painted on the walls all around the bar. “Thanks for caring, Cal.”

She smiled and continued to drink her beer, looking over the lunch menu in front of us. From behind me I heard a gruff voice bellow, “Excuse me, but do I know you ladies from somewhere?” I turned and both Cali and I gasped at the same time at the sight of a perfectly tanned, tall, tattooed rock god standing in front of us. The lead singer from The Hysterics, Rodney, was leaning on the bar right next to me holding a dark draft in his hand.

I smiled, stunned for a second and then finally formed words after my star-struck reaction subsided. “Actually, yeah. We met you and your band mates a few years back at Bonnaroo.”

Rodney was tall, skinny, with sandy brown hair and the whitest teeth I had ever seen and his smile grew wider as his memory jogged back to that summer. “Oh yeah, I remember you two. You partied with us for the rest of the weekend. That show was amazing. Cheers ladies.” We all raised our glasses together and Cali giggled nervously again.

“So ladies, my memory has been fogged by lots of drugs and drinks, may I know your names again?” His smile was contagious and it oozed sex appeal. Rodney could probably make a nun feel sexy by the way he looked at women. It wasn’t even that he was flirting, that was just how he was.

Cali’s voice squeaked out, “This is Mags, and I’m Cali.” She reached out her hand and Rodney walked over and hugged us both.

“Mags.” He nodded at me. “And Cali,” He grabbed her hand and kissed it softly. “What brings you two to Tampa, all the way from the mountains?”

Cali’s giggles got louder and more nervous as her cheeks flared red, so I answered for her as she stared into Rodney’s deep dark brown eyes, probably forgetting for a few seconds she had a ring on her left hand.

“We live not too far from here, and when Cali heard about the show, she bought tickets and surprised me with them, so here we are.” I took a sip of beer to help stop my throat from going dry again. I couldn’t believe how nervous he was making both of us, but I had to figure, he was pretty much the most famous person I had ever met before.

“Well, ladies, if memory serves me correct, we all had a fun time partying together. So please, come to our hotel after the show tonight and say 'hi' to the rest of the band. I’m sure they’d all love to see you.”

Cali and I both agreed and he typed the information into my phone’s notes section, with the password to give to the front desk at their hotel, and even gave me his phone number, in case anyone gave us a hard time. With swift kisses on our cheeks, Rodney excused himself from the bar. “I’m playing hooky from the sound check, I needed to grab a pint, but they can’t start without me, though so I have to run. It was nice to run into you ladies again.” He winked at us with a sexy grin on his face and tipped the bartender, who was just as taken by the man-candy as we were.

Once Rodney was out of sight, Cali spun around and slapped my arm. “Can you fucking believe that? Fucking Rodney just ran into us and we’re going to their after-party! He gave you his number. Holy fucking shit!”

I couldn’t help but laugh at Cali’s reaction, even though I was mildly freaking out too. This was by far one of the best weekends of my life, and it had only just begun. My heart lifted a little when I realized that and I through my arms around Cali’s shoulders.

“What was that for, silly?” She grinned and gestured to the bartender for another round for us. I thanked the bartender for my beer and then turned to my best friend’s face, all lit up with anticipation.

“I just love that you’re my best friend. This is amazing!”

25

After our lunch was over and our skin had taken in as many vitamins from the sun as possible, it was time to head over to the venue and get ready for an awesome concert. We got to the club about an hour before the show was scheduled to start, but by the size of the crowd, we felt like we were late.

Cali and I shoved through the sea of excited fans to the back wall, thankfully finding a bar. The four bartenders were all wearing black tight V-neck shirts and where their shirts didn’t cover, tattoos did. I was surprised only one girl was back there slinging drinks, but didn’t mind since the other three were definitely easy on the eyes.

I yelled my order, over the loud rumbling crowd, of shots and beers. Cali and I took our shots of tequila quickly without limes or salt, just the way she liked it. We made our way over to the side stage to see the roadies setting up the guitars, speakers, microphones and drum kit. We sipped on our drinks for a while, people-watching.

A lot of the crowd looked like us: in their mid-twenties, dressed in casual clothes. But there were some odd members too; an older couple sat off to the side at the bar, holding hands decked out in biker gear. There were a few gothic-looking college kids mixing in too, with some middle-aged couples in Hawaiian shirts. It was pretty interesting to see how versatile this band’s following was. I was glad to see they were not typecast and their music had spread to a wide audience.

Cali and I both had finished our first beers, so I left her by the stage and headed back over to the bar. I yelled my order to the same bartender over the drunken girls’ shrieks as I heard Rodney, scream into the microphone, “Ladies, ladies, calm down. We’re the Hysterics, and we’re here for you. Please be so kind to welcome my awesome band mates! We have Dane on the drums.” The crowd erupted, and Rodney continued as Dane’s smile lit up. “Maverick on the bass.” He started to play a light thumping rhythm at the sound of his name. “Colt is over there, ladies, on lead guitar.” Colt’s face had a devilish grin on it as he started to play along with Maverick’s tempo. “And I am Rodney.” With that the crowd went wild, Dane and Rodney started in joining the melody of an upbeat number that seemed to be a crowd favorite.

After pushing a few drunken idiots out of my way, I made it back to Cali’s side. She and I sang along and swayed to the music, sipping on our beers for the next few songs. The fans went wild every time a new song started, jumping up and down, screaming, and singing. Cali and I went right along with everyone, laughing, screaming and just having a blast. The band sounded amazing, so much more mature and fine-tuned since the first time we had heard them play.

Halfway through the set, Rodney let the audience know that the guys were going to take a quick break to let his voice rest, calling it the “perfect time for everyone to get a swig of something”. By that time, Cali and I had forced our way right up next to the stage in front of where the charming front man had been for most of his performance. Right before he walked off the stage, Rodney pointed over in our direction and whispered to a bouncer who nodded and then started to make his way over to us.

With his arms crossed over his chest, he smiled from ear to ear at us. “You girls are invited backstage, come on.” He opened the gate that was right next to us and slammed it quickly once we were on the other side, pushing a few crazy fans out of the way in the process. “Follow me, ladies.

Cali and I, hand in hand, followed the giant bouncer through a maze of a hallway to the band’s dressing room. I was surprised how big it was and how few people were actually back there. There was a table with tons of appetizers and finger foods laid out, right next to a cooler full of beer and liquor bottles. All of the band members came over to greet us.

“Rodney told us about you girls. What a small freaking world it is that he would run into you today.” Dane’s eyes were glowing and he hugged me tightly. “Of course, I remember you two.”

From the cooler, Rodney grabbed two beers, opened them and handed them to us. “We don’t have much time left here for our intermission, but I figured backstage was a lot more comfortable to watch the show, than fighting the drunken hordes for a drink at the bar.” He winked at us and then turned to the band. “Hey, let’s take a picture with some of our oldest fans!”

They were probably the most down to earth humble group of guys I had ever come across. An alluringly tall, tattooed woman strode over to me. “Hi, I’m Fallon, Dane’s wife.” She greeted both Cali and I. “Give me your phone, I’ll take the picture.” She smiled at Rodney as he handed her his cell too and we all huddled together.

We took a few pictures, and then the guys made their way back over to the stage. Cali, Fallon, and I all stood in the curtained area off to stage left. Fallon was so nice and got just as excited as we did. She asked us about our lives and she told us all about how she was in an underground band and pretty famous herself until she gave it all up, including the cocaine, and found Dane, and was living happily ever after with him on tour with the band. It was not a lifestyle I could enjoy, but it seemed like their version of paradise.

The set ended with my favorite ballad, the three of us swaying to the slow rhythm, with our arms around each other. Rodney looked back at us and sang the bridge right to the side of the stage. The entire experience had been thrilling. The band ended their set and made their way back over to us. Cali and I gushed over how amazing they had become, complimenting them as much as possible.

Maverick leaned over into us and whispered, “Don’t worry, we’re all friends now, you can tell us how you really feel.” Cali and I just giggled and blushed at his sexy half smile, as he ran his fingers through his Mohawk, messing it up. Both sides of his head were buzzed just enough to show that he had stars, of all different colors, tattooed on his scalp.

Rodney made his way over to us, inviting us into their limo. I shook my head, “No, what about my car? I can just drive it over to the hotel.” Cali made a pouting face at me, and Rodney bent his knees to be the same height as her and mimicked her sullen expression.

“Come on, Mags, the car will be fine for a few hours. Besides, we’ve all been drinking!”

“Cal, how are we going to get back to our car later?” There was no way I wanted to be stuck at a hotel with people we really didn’t know. The Hysterics all seemed like nice and upstanding gentlemen, but I was sure the Unabomber did too at some point in his life.

I finally put my foot down and got my way, but with a twist. Rodney had the brilliant idea Cali and I ride in the limo with the guys and Fallon and my car be driven by their bodyguards over to the hotel. The only reason I handed over my keys was because Rodney promised that if he crashed it, I could get any car I wanted.

In the limo, we drank champagne and goofed off with all of the band members. They were just the way I remembered them, good-hearted, funny, and seductive. Cali was getting really comfortable next to Maverick, and my alarms started going off. This was not like her and I started to get really unsettled. I knew that we had been drinking for the better part of the day and I might have been overreacting, but when I saw Maverick put his hand on Cali’s knee and she just giggled into a long, make out session, my temper flared.

In the limo, packed like sardines, was not the place to rip Cali away from the sexual panther that was about to pounce on her, but I didn’t wait long after we climbed out of the limo to rip her to the side of the group.

Dane and Fallon spun around to look at us as we stopped right next to the limo, as Fallon’s soft voice called over. “You two coming?”

I smiled as nicely as I could while my nails dug into Cali’s wrist. “Yeah, be right in, I just have something to tell Cali really quickly.”

They both nodded and headed inside where we could see Dane letting the bellhop know we were with them. Cali tore her hand from my clenched grasp. “What the fuck, Mags! That hurts!”

I glared at her. “Well, Cal, I think you need to remember the ring on your finger doesn’t say ‘Fuck me Maverick’ on it.”

With a gapped mouth stare, tears came out of nowhere. Through sobs, Cali gasped, “My marriage is over.”

I did a double take at Cali while inhaling a sharp breath, immediately wrapped her up in a hug. “What happened? What do you mean, over?” I whispered softly into her ear, not letting her go as I clung to her shaking body.

She pushed me away a little bit and plopped right onto the sidewalk, patting it for me to take a seat next to her. “Kyle has been cheating on me for months. I found some of his emails and credit card receipts. These stupid trips he’s been taking haven’t been for work. Apparently her name is Chloe, and she lives in Miami. That bastard even flew her to our house when I was away on business the last time.”

“Does Kyle know you figured out his secret?” The words came out exuding hatred for the scumbag and a few visions of me punching him in the face crossed my mind.

She shook her head. “I am planning on kicking him out tomorrow night when he gets home from screwing his whore. I figured let him have one more hurrah and I can have mine before our world turns upside down.”

I raked my fingers through my hair, horrified by the pain that she was in. “Oh honey, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Come on Mags. You have so much going on, and I’m freaking embarrassed. You were always right about Kyle and I just never listened.”

“Oh sweetie, this isn’t about being right or wrong or who has what going on. You’re my best friend and if you need me, I’ll be there, no matter what.”

With that, I climbed to my feet and helped Cali up. I rubbed away the black streaks her eyeliner was making and we went into the party, promising to have fun for the rest of the night.

I let Cali do her thing. She danced and flirted with Maverick all night and had a ball. It was nice to see that she was having a great time in the midst of such a terrible circumstance. Fallon and I ended up hanging out and talking. I found out she was about three months pregnant and therefore the perfect person for me to be around while I was trying to sober up to drive.

Cali stumbled over to me and in her drunken slurred speech, she barely got out, “This is one of the best days of my life. I love you, Margret McManus!” With that, she slumped down on the couch next to me and that was my queue to drive her home. Maverick helped me carry her to the car.

Once Cali was bulked in, I started to make my way to the driver’s side as Maverick turned to head back to the party. He spun around quickly, “Hey, Mags?”

Halfway into the driver’s seat, I called back to him, “Yeah? What’s up?”

He shyly grinned and trotted over to my side, shoving a piece of paper in my hand.  “Make sure Cali calls me. OK?”

I gave him a quick nod. “Yeah, for sure. Thanks for everything Maverick!”

He gave me a quick wave and headed back into the hotel as I opened the crumbled loose leaf to read:

Cali, tonight was amazing.  Don’t let that annoying twat piss on you like that! You’re too beautiful and kind for that. Call me!

-Maverick

I smiled over at my best friend, her head leaning against my window, a little bit of drool escaping from the corner of her mouth. This was a crazy ass night. I slid the paper into her handbag and pulled out of the valet section of the hotel. The whole ride back home, Cali dozed and snored while I jammed out to the radio. Once we pulled into the driveway, I was able to shake her awake enough for me to help her into the house and up into my bed. I remembered the last time she slept over and did not want to suffer her wrath again for holding out on her.

I changed Cali into some of my pajamas and slid under the covers next to her, and in her half sleeping voice, she muttered, “Love youuuu,” and was out for the night. A huge smile spread over my face as I tucked her in a little bit tighter.

Before turning out the light, I rattled off a quick text to Walker, kind of surprised I hadn’t heard from him all day.

Just got back from an insane adventure with Cali. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow and have my fish dinner. Night.

There was no reply while I sat up and watched mindless infomercials until I finally fell asleep from the sheer exhaustion of our crazy day.

26

In the morning, Cali and I woke up at the same time. We lazily cuddled in bed for awhile, talking about her game plan for when Kyle came home later on that day.

“But, what if he refuses to leave?” I knew it was an odd question but it had been bugging me. I pictured myself having to go over to her house and beat up a freaking cop so he would leave my best friend alone.

“He’ll leave. Once he knows, I’m sure it will be a relief for him to be rid of me and the burden.” She punched her pillow a few times, exaggeratedly groaning. “I’m going to head home and get his shit packed up so I don’t have to deal with it anymore.”

I offered to go and help, but she declined, claiming that it was going to be her therapy session and needed to break things and cry alone. I understood, and knew that if it got rough or if she needed me, she would call this time; I made her promise.

After Cali left, I sulked around the house for a while until my boredom took total control in Walker’s absence. Waking up without him on a Sunday morning used to be my only option. But I had become accustomed to having company, and warmth was starting to fill the emptiness again. I got out of my pajamas and made a little breakfast, deciding to clean the house up a bit.

Since Walker really didn’t use his room anymore, I started in there and began to make it back into the guest room it used to be. I got the vacuum out of the hall closet and dragged it into the room. I collected all of Walker’s clothes out of the drawers and closet, and made room for them in mine, stripped the bed, put new sheets on and then began to vacuum. After passing the vacuum a few times under the bed, I felt it hit something light.

I got down onto the floor and found a journal with Walker’s name engraved in the leather on the front. I sat on the freshly made bed, trying to convince myself to be respectful of Walker’s privacy.

My concentration was broken when my cell vibrated in my pocket. There was a text from Walker shining on the screen:

Sorry I haven’t been in touch, no service. We’ll be home in about four hours, maybe a little more. Can’t wait to see you too!

I wrote a quick message back:

OK see you soon, drive safe

When my screen went black, I went against my better judgment and let curiosity get the better of me. I flipped the front cover open and read the date on the top of the first passage, realizing that Walker started it the day he and Randy got deployed. My heart started pounding and I skimmed through the pages until I found the day Randy died. Terror came over me as I read the passage of a story I was never supposed to read:

Today the biggest mistake happened and I don’t know how I am fucking going to live with it. The plan completely went to hell. I am the one that was supposed to fucking be dead, not him. Randy and Mags were supposed to live happily ever after with me out of the picture, not seeing it any more. But now I am here stuck in this torturous hell of guilt, longing and shame. How will I ever look into her eyes again? She loves him, not me and that’s how it was supposed to be. Fuck! Why did he have to grab my chute?

Once I finished reading the entry, I froze. And then puked right where I stood as what had just been revealed ripped through my heart. I fell onto all fours, sobbing and shaking. I grabbed my phone off the bed to see what time it was, realizing Walker would be home soon. I rallied all of my strength and forced myself to stand. Suddenly, adrenalin kicked me hard, forcing me into a fight or flight mode.

I flew down the stairs and started to rip the daisies apart, tearing through them, screaming and crying. I kicked the vases everywhere, letting the glass fly, crashing and shattering. Water and flower petals flowed around my tile floor in the kitchen and I fell to my knees feeling the sharp shards piercing my skin and watched as little wisps of crimson ran away from my body in the water.

I knelt there, sobbing onto the cover of the journal, still clenched in my fist when my phone vibrated again with another text:

Be home in five.

Panic started rising up through my whole body. What am I going to do? Who do I call?  I ran to my room and dialed Cali’s number. “Hi, Mags! How’re you?”

Her voice stung my ears, making me choke out the only words I can. “Walker killed Randy. It was an accident, but it’s his fucking fault. Walker will be home any minute.” Without another word I hung up on Cali, not knowing what else to tell her.

I tried to stay calm. I sat on my bed, the journal in one hand, trembling, still wet and bloody from the floor of my kitchen. I hid my cell under my mattress. I wanted to be able to get to it if I had to. My mind flashed to Randy’s sweet face and then to Walker’s. I could not even start to wrap my head around what I had just discovered. There is no way that Walker could have done that. He loved Randy just as much as I did. They were like brothers. How does this happen?

The pain was sharp in my stomach. The words of the passage ran through my mind over and over and it all clicked. Walker wanted to be with me, but knew I loved Randy, not him. Walker did it because he couldn’t be with me and couldn’t live without me. Walker tampered with his own parachute, but Randy got it by mistake. And it is my fault entirely.

With these thoughts washing over me, I had to run to the bathroom. Everything was far too overwhelming for my body, and my stomach emptied completely. Right after I flushed the toilet, I heard the front door slam and Walker bounding up the stairs, calling up to me, but I couldn’t answer. I could hear him asking if I was OK and wondering what happened downstairs. I was frozen in the middle of my room, rage boiling, with the journal still glued in my grasp.

I stood breathing shallowly; looking around at the space I used to share with Randy. It felt tainted now. I was shaking and could hear my heartbeat in my ears. My skin was burning. Walker got to my door and with a quick knock, opened it. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw my hand clutched around his memoirs.

Walker’s glare raked me with freezing contempt and I froze, gaping at the man I thought I was falling in love with, the reality barely grazing the surface of my skin. I couldn’t let myself believe Walker living was the reason for Randy’s death. That this man standing in front of me, who had been living with me, comforting me, loving me, had been the culprit all along. Blistering hot rage coursed up from my belly. The more my mind thought, the more I wanted to kill him.

He took a step towards me, eyes wide with terror, a kind of fear I had never seen on his face. “Mags, I can explain. It was all a mistake.” He took another step so I moved back, our eyes still fixed on each other. “Margret, when it happened I knew my new mission in life was to take care of you, Jim and Liz. It’s my fault he’s dead so I had to do what’s right.”

I heard the words that were coming out of his mouth, but they were not registering, they just nipped at my ears. How dare he even think that he was doing the right thing. He was sick and messed up and I hated him. I swallowed and glowered, “I fucking hate you, you damn murderer!”

And with my words Walker’s eyes became black and cold. His expression got shallow. His body grew rigid, every muscle flexed and hardened. I wanted to know what he was thinking. I wanted to know what he knew, what he did, what Randy’s last moments were like. I was standing toe to toe with the reason for all of my pain, the selfish choice that destroyed my entire world. The realization hit me, smacking me awake and I reacted.

I lunged forward and jumped on Walker, hitting, screaming, and scratching. He wouldn’t hit me back, even though I was screaming at him to; calling him a pussy, a coward, a filthy murderer. He just blocked my fists from his face, trying to grab me, trying to restrain me but I was too quick for his tired body. He started to beg me to stop, to let him explain; pleading, pathetic. We wrestled on the floor for what felt like hours. I could feel his strong arms wrapping around me as I continued to scratch and squirm. When any part of his body got close enough, I bit down as hard as I could, breaking open his skin. His hand came close to my face and I grabbed it in between my teeth; he smacked me so hard with his free hand that I became dizzy. I could feel the hot liquid flowing between my injuries and his.

I could feel my chest start heaving; it was hard so to breathe. My lungs were gasping for air. Walker scrambled off me and started to beg for me to takes lower breaths, to calm down. I became light-headed as he scooped me up into his arms from the floor, my eyes barely able to stay focused. My eyelids got heavier; I could feel my lungs aching for air even more and my throat started gasping. I could hear Walker’s voice trembling as he carried me through the house. “Mags, please stay with me, you’re having a panic attack. Please, Mags.” Tears rolled down his cheeks and landed on my face as he sobbed, rushing out the front door. “I’m so sorry, babe, I love you.  You’re my true north. Please …”

Dying was never a fear of mine, at least not after Randy did. If I died, then at least I would be with him again and I assumed that was my fate now. I could feel Walker picking up my body and carrying me, but I couldn’t fight, scream or resist.

Right as my body started to get completely limp and my mind started to go black, I heard Walker pleading and crying more. “Mags, please stay with me. I love you. I can’t lose you too. Mags. Please.”

I heard a loud bang and I assumed it was my neck breaking under Walker’s force, but there was no pain. In that instant, the pressure I had felt from Walker holding me vanished. My mind was slipping in and out. Finally, my nightmare was over and everything went black.

Epilogue

The sound of the ocean waves rushing to shore, and sea birds squawking sang me awake. I could feel hot rays of a glorious sun glistening down on my face. I slowly opened my eyes to see one of the most beautiful white sandy beaches. I was lying on a lounge chair in my favorite pink bikini with a cold bottle of beer in my hand. The salt air filled my lungs and I felt completely at peace. My golden, sun kissed kin was soaking in the warmth. It felt like I hadn’t had a good dose of vitamin-D in decades.

I closed my eyes again, taking in the moment. It seemed like I was alone in this paradise. The beach was just here for me, and I couldn’t help but be glad for the silence. I startled a little when I heard someone walking towards me. I rolled over onto my side to see Randy walking closer to me, shirtless.

He took a seat at the foot of my lounge, with one hand on my leg. Sitting up, I hugged him as tightly as I could. He looked down at me, smiling beautifully and pressing his soft, warm lips to mine. We stayed embraced for what felt like a lifetime, but even that was not long enough. Randy brought my head down to his shoulder, running his fingers through my sea dampened curls.

“There is nothing more perfect than this moment,” I whispered against his skin, as I kissed his chest. The smell of sweat and salt water was dulcet on his smooth tanned skin. A smell I would never be able to forget, it was so beautiful to me.

Randy’s fingers slowly traced the bird on my hip, sending chills down my spine. Staring, he leaned closer to my ear, breathing softly, “Sooty terns are my favorite. So brave, spending almost all their lives out to sea. I’m almost jealous of them.” He laughed a little, still staring at the flying seabird on my skin. Just to hear his laugh again was breathtaking.

“I’ll always love you. Promise, Promise.” His voice sounded so distant, even though he was sitting right next to me. As I looked up into the face of the man I promised to love until death do us part, I could see all the love in his heart pouring out through his eyes.

I wrapped my arms around his neck. “I love you too. Promise, promise,” I responded, pulling him in for one more kiss.

We lay back on the lounge chair and Randy pulled me close to him, his fingers curling in my damp hair. I traced my fingers over the muscles on his stomach and chest, staring out at the beautiful ocean. Slowly, sleep washed over me like a calm, warm wave.

I could hear a distant beeping sound, growing louder as I tried to stay in my perfect moment, fighting to stay asleep. My efforts were futile. I opened my eyes to the sting of a bright white light hovering overhead. I could hear Cali and my mother talking in hushed, nervous voices somewhere in the room. I tried to find them, but the light was blinding me. I choked out a cough. “Mom? Cal?”

I felt cold, damp hands rest on my arm as my mother called to Cali, “She’s awake!” Her voice grew softer, kind and reassuring. “Honey, you’re going to be just fine. You’re safe now.”

Rushed footsteps came crashing down the hall and into my hospital room. A man’s voice was over me, but the light made it impossible for me to make out his features. “Margret, I am Doctor Tuttle. You suffered a major panic attack and your body went into shock. You passed out from the stress, but you’re going to be just fine.  We’re going to monitor your heartbeat and make sure it stays at a safe level tonight.  You’ll be able to go home tomorrow.” The doctor’s voice was cheerful as he reassured me that I was never in danger of dying and that I would feel fine soon. He made a phone call to someone requesting my medication and dinner be brought to my room.

Hot tears started running down my cheeks as I started to remember what had brought me here. Cali came over to the side of my bed, grabbed my hand, squeezing tightly. “Walker brought you here, Mags. He called me and your mom to come be with you and then ran away. None of us have been able to get a hold of him. He’s gone.”

The Ens

Special Thanks

To my wonderful parents: Natalie Ann and Douglas Mazzola opened their home and hearts to a baby, unexpectedly and without thinking twice about it. I am so blessed and thankful to have them as my parents and to be brought such a loving extended family, it just is more proof that everything happens for a reason! I am continually reminded how many people truly love me unconditionally and unselfishly and I am so very thankful to know that kind of love in my life. I love you Mom and Dad for being the wonderful parents you didn't have to be!

To my awesome random roomie: You have always been right there in my corner and have loved me no matter how crazy I have gotten at times.  Thank you for going through this entire journey with me, the late night character development calls, the rewrite of the entire ending and helping me get Crashing Back Down to be the story it is today.

To my Twin: You are amazing! Thank you for being my real life Cali and helping that character really take shape! And yes, your car does smell like cupcakes!

To my heterosexual life partner: Most people will think that I am insane for putting that title in the back of my book, but who cares! You have always been my best friend, since our first sleep over as infants! I do not know what I would do without your unwavering support in my life.

To my Beta readers: Grace, Jessica, Alyssa, and Kim! Ladies, thank you so much for helping me build the confidence in this book that I really needed to see it through.  Your advice and encouragement was key in this process and I could not have done this without you!

To my own true north: Michael James Burke! You are my everything and I love you with all my heart.  Thank you for supporting my late night writing sessions, my constant ramblings about characters and plot problems, and for my lack of a social life for almost the last year.  Your support and dedication to this project has turned it into something so much more than I could have ever dreamed! Thank you, Baby, for helping me see my dreams come true!

And to my mentors in the Indie Author world, K. Pinson (Author of In Spades) and Brittainy C. Cherry (Author of The Space In Between): Ladies, Ladies, Ladies! You two have been instrumental in my confidence during this entire process. Without the two of you answering my stupid, newbie-author questions, I probably would have given up! Thank you for reading a rough, un-edited copy of Crashing Back Down and convincing me that it was worth putting out there! You two are amazing!

Note from the author

Thank you for buying my debut novel. In doing so you have helped fulfill a very important goal of mine.  From every purchase of Crashing Back Down, I donate to the Marcie Mazzola Foundation. The mission of the foundation is to "help better the lives of abused and at-risk children; and to build community awareness regarding the needs of children".

The Marcie Mazzola Foundation was established in 2003 by my family. On July 6, 2002 Marcie died tragically in an automobile accident. Although she was only 21 at the time of her death, Marcie had experienced many things and touched many lives. She was a beautiful young woman whose inner beauty surpassed even her physical beauty because of her compassionate nature and treatment of others.

At the time of her death Marcie was involved in a civil law suit against a school bus driver who sexually abused her when she was 11 years old. Prior to her death, it had been expected that the case would be won but since Marcie could no longer testify, it was going to be next to impossible to win. Marcie’s attorney met with her family to determine if the suit should be continued. He advised the family that Marcie had confided in him her intention to donate her entire award to help sexually and physically abused children if she won the case. Once this was known the family had no doubt that the suit had to continue.

The attorney’s strong commitment to Marcie prompted him to proceed with the case, and against all odds it was won. Marcie’s estate was awarded a monetary settlement. With her attorney’s guidance and continued support, the family established a foundation as a tribute to Marcie’s life, which would continue her legacy to help children.

To learn more about The Marcie Mazzola Foundation, please visit: http://www.marciemazzolafoundation.org

Marcie Mazzola Foundation

158 Burr Road, Commack, NY 11725

phone: 631-858-1855   •   fax: 631-462-8544

email: info@marciemazzolafoundation.org

About the author

Kristen Hope Mazzola is an up and coming independent author from sunny South Florida.  Crashing Back Down was her debut into the literary world. Kristen is currently working on the rest of her Crashing Series, which will include a sequel, Falling Back Together, and a prequel, Walking Away.  She even has a few more tricks up her sleeve, with more characters to introduce and more twists to unravel, so keep your eye on this talented young author!

When Kristen is not driving a pen into paper, she enjoys reading all different genres and fishing.  “There is just something so magical about water and the calm it brings to my life,” says Kristen.  Even though writing is not her only career she is pursuing, Kristen hopes to one day be a full time writer. Having a day job and a busy life, makes finding time for writing difficult, but anything worthwhile in life is difficult. Loving life, writing, and fishing basically make up her world.

Stalker Sites

https://www.facebook.com/AuthorKristenHope

http://khmazzola.wordpress.com

https://goodreads.com/author/show/7179522.Kristen_Hope_Mazzola

https://twitter.com/khmazz

Email: authorkristenmazzola@gmail.com

Content

Crashing Back Down
Crashing - 1
by
Kristen Hope Mazzola

Prologue

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3

4

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7

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9

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23

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26

Epilogue

Special Thanks

Note from the author

About the author