A Desire So Deadly

A Need So Beautiful - 2.5

by

Suzanne Young

After

I’m standing at the edge of the world, staring out at the ocean. The beach is rocky beneath my bare feet, grit between my toes with broken seashells, sharp and jagged. I take in a deep breath, filling my lungs with salty air. It feels so good to be alive. To be back.

“I thought you left me again,” he says from behind me. “Was sure of it, actually.” His voice is on the wind, blowing over me and breaking my heart. “But we’re together now. We’ll restart. We’ll—” He pauses as I turn to him slowly, my long red braid slipping over my shoulder. Harlin’s eyes weaken, unable to disguise his pain. He reaches to run his finger over the ribbon tied to the end of my hair. “You’re different,” he whispers. “How will I find you?”

My eyes well up, and I step forward into his arms, hugging myself close to him. “I don’t know,” I say. “Guess you’ll just have to look harder.”

Harlin’s breath is warm against my skin, even as the air surrounding us quickly chills. I don’t want to let him go—because the minute I do, he’ll be gone forever. But the cold is starting to burn the bare skin of my forearms, the backs of my legs; the icy breeze burrows into my clothing, searching out my soul.

I close my eyes, holding tighter to Harlin. The edges of the scene begin to fray, and I pull back to take a final look at Harlin. His hazel eyes search my face—trying to memorize me before we both evaporate. “I love you,” he says miserably. “No matter who you are, I’ll always love you.”

I lean forward to kiss him one last time, but it’s too late—I’m falling. Ocean waves climb to catch me and pull me under, burying me before dragging me out, away from Harlin. I try to scream to him, but the salty water fills my mouth and chokes me.

And then I’m gone, alone again in a vast nothing.

Chapter 1

The waves chase me as I crawl away on the hardened sand of the beach. When I pause to choke up a little more of the Pacific Ocean, my red surfboard floats beside me, knocking hard into my knee. I was so close. I drag the back of my hand across my mouth and then fall on my side, heart pounding beneath my gray wet suit. I unzip it at the neck and try to catch my breath.

“Claire?” Ezra yells, dropping to his knees and sending a spray of sand over my cheek. The morning sun is blinding, and I blink against it until my boyfriend comes into focus. When I smile, he exhales loudly and then collapses into the sand next to me.

“I’ve gotta tell you, Becks,” he says after a second, “that was a pretty major wipeout. I thought you were a goner.”

The sun is radiating heat strong enough to evaporate the water off my skin. The sound of the waves laps in the distance. “Almost got on the board this time,” I murmur, running my fingers up Ezra’s arm and over his chest as I hug myself closer to him. “Did you see?”

“Sure did. But I also saw you face-plant. You’re completely fearless, you know that, right?” When I smile against his shirt, he chuckles. “No, Claire. Not in a good way.”

I start laughing, and Ezra leans in to kiss my forehead. He’s right. Surfing is not getting easier, and I really bit it hard this time. My neck is killing me.

“Give up the bet,” he says. “At least for my sake. You belong on land, where you can’t get washed away with the current.”

“You and Soleil already know how to surf, so maybe I feel left out,” I tease. “You like being able to do something I can’t.”

“Not even close to true.”

“You like it a little.”

He watches me for a moment, squinting from the brightness surrounding us. “I like you a little.”

“A lot.”

“Yeah. A whole hell of a lot.” He lifts his head to kiss me. I can still taste the saltiness of the water, and the mix of beach and Ezra is enough to make me forget all about where I’m supposed to be right now. At least until I feel the buzz of Ezra’s cell phone in the pocket of his khaki shorts.

Ezra fishes out his phone, still kissing me, and holds it up to glance at the screen. He tries to slide the phone back into his pocket, but I quickly grab it away. Before nine a.m., chances are the call is for me. None of Ezra’s friends would be up this early, and my cell phone took a bath in the ocean last week.

My best friend’s name shows up on the caller ID, and I give Ezra a little shove before pressing the receiver to my ear. “Hey, Soleil,” I tell her, climbing to my knees and brushing the sand from my suit.

“Just checking on your progress,” she says, and I can hear the smile in her voice. In the background there’s the murmur of conversation.

“It’s going great,” I lie. “Are you in class already?”

“Yeah, I had to finish up the study guide, so I’m here early. Are you on your way?”

“Uh-huh,” I say, even though I’m still on the sand. “But you’re not copying my homework.”

Soleil laughs like she wouldn’t dream of asking. “I’m almost done anyway, so hurry up. There’s something here you have to see. Talk soon,” she sings, and hangs up.

Although it’s almost September, it feels like my class at Deseo Community College has cut my summer short. My boyfriend and his friends still have another week to sleep in and stay up late before the start of their senior year of high school. Wish I was still a senior.

“Time to go,” I tell Ezra, grabbing his hand as I get to my feet.

“Or . . .” he says, stepping in to wrap his arms around my waist, “you could ditch, and we’ll lie around on the beach all day.”

I brush his blond hair to the side, gazing into his eyes as I consider his offer. A splash of cold water covers my bare feet, snapping me out of my trance. I look down and see the surfboard hovering in the water a moment, half-covered in sand. “I can’t stomach any more failure,” I say, glancing back at Ezra. “I’m leaving this on the beach.”

Ezra bends to grab the surfboard anyway, ignoring the same empty threat I’ve been making for weeks. He tucks the board under his arm. It looks short next to his tall frame, even though I nearly killed myself dragging it down here from the car.

Ezra’s sandals scrape along the concrete as we start toward my mom’s Jeep. The parking lot is still deserted, which was why I chose this beach in the first place. The real waves (and the real surfers) are on the other side of town.

Ezra tosses the board through the open back window and slaps his hands together to shake off the sand. Although I need to get going, I’m not quite ready to tear myself away from him, so I rest against the car, and he makes his way over. He grins, effortlessly handsome in that sun-kissed California way. When he stops in front of me, I lean into him.

He smells like soap and ocean, and I kiss him slowly, drawing out the moment as long as I can. But eventually I feel the buzz of his phone once again and pull back. I have to go.

“I’ll see you tonight?” Ezra asks, kissing me quickly before backing away. I hear a bus pull up behind us, a loud whoosh of air breaking through the otherwise quiet morning. Ezra holds up his hand, and I watch as he turns to head in the direction of his house a few blocks away.

“Excuse me.”

Startled, I turn to find a girl standing next to me. She’s model tall (at least compared to me), with porcelain skin and black hair in a sideswept pixie cut. Her long black dress and eyebrow ring make her look completely out of place in our laid-back beach town.

“Sorry if I scared you,” she says, looking around helplessly. “I’m pretty lost.”

“Are you sure you’re in the right town?” I ask with a smile. A stranger in Deseo is pretty rare; this isn’t Southern California—or even northern. The last person to move here was Francesca Roberts in the third grade, and we still call her the new girl.

The stranger looks me over, chewing on her bottom lip. “Yep,” she says, returning my smile. “Middle of nowhere, California, right?”

“Officially. It’s on our welcome sign. So where are you headed?”

The girl glances down at a crumpled piece of paper in her hand. “The Cordova Apartments? I don’t think I got off at the right stop.”

“It’s across town but too far to walk. Do you want a ride? I’m headed in that direction anyway.”

“Seriously? That would be awesome. I didn’t think it would be so hot near the ocean. I’m Lucy, by the way.” I notice her glance at my wet suit.

“I’m Claire,” I say, starting around the Jeep. “And in case you’re wondering, I’m not actually a surfer.”

She laughs. “Interesting choice in apparel, then.”

I like Lucy already. To be honest, I’m surprised by our instant rapport, but then again, it’s not like I’ve had a lot of experience meeting new people. I’ve had the same best friend since kindergarten.

“I’m trying to win a bet,” I explain to Lucy as we climb into the car. “Last year my friend and I wagered a latte on whether I could get up on the board for one full ride. Haven’t gotten there yet, but I will. The fact that we’ve bought each other coffee a . . . a million times since the bet was made isn’t the point. I hate to lose.”

“That reminds me of something my little sister would do”—she smiles to herself—“although most of her bets are wagered on pizza.” Lucy turns to me. “Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

“I do,” I say, starting the car and then crossing the parking lot to the street. “Three brothers—although two of them are away at college. Now it’s just me and River.”

Lucy’s eyes are a cloudy shade of midnight blue, but as the corner of her mouth lifts in a grin, the color seems to deepen. “There’s nothing like family,” she says softly. “Blood’s thicker than water and all that.”

“My mom likes to say that blood is thicker than cream cheese because, although inaccurate, that expression fits in better with our lifestyle. My parents own a bakery.”

She laughs. “Nice. Free pastries for life, right?”

“Almost. We earn the free food. All the Becks kids have to work at the Costas Bakery for a while. My dad says it builds character.” I look over at Lucy. “You should come by one morning. I’ll hook you up with a latte. No bet required.”

Lucy smiles broadly. “That sounds great.”

I hit the blinker with my thumb, turning into the roundabout of the apartment complex. When I stop in front of the adobe-style office, I glance at the time, and my leg begins to bob with impatience. I hate being late for class.

“Thanks so much for this, Claire,” Lucy says, unbuckling her seat belt. Her voice is velvety and deep, endearing. I feel a sudden burst of nostalgia, although I can’t quite place why. Either way, I’m honest when I tell Lucy it was my pleasure and that I hope to see her later.

She climbs out of the Jeep, pausing to look around at the buildings. The Cordova Apartments are a bit run-down, and Lucy hesitates a moment before pulling open the office door and walking inside.

When she’s gone, I drive through the roundabout, struck again by a sense of familiarity—and maybe a bit of loss. It’s so odd. I check my rearview mirror, watching the yellow building get smaller, and it isn’t until it’s out of my view altogether that the feelings fade.

“Ah, Miss Becks,” Professor Roth says when I walk into the small lecture hall. “I’m sorry if my class interrupted your . . . surfing?”

The room erupts in giggles, and I hold up my hand in acknowledgment before slipping into my seat in the back of the room next to Soleil. I’m still in my wet suit, and it squeaks against the hard plastic of my chair. Although there’s a duffel bag of clothes in the Jeep, I didn’t want to change and risk being even later for class. In hindsight, I’m not sure five more minutes would have made a difference.

My professor is barely out of college himself, and his suit and tie make him look like he’s playing dress-up. He’s easily my and Soleil’s favorite teacher. “We’re on page ninety-four,” he calls, pointing to the text on his podium. I nod, pulling the philosophy book from my backpack, and glance sideways at Soleil.

Her brown hair is braided and woven into a bun, her dark skin slightly pink on her cheekbones and nose. Soleil spends half her life surfing, and even now her red bathing suit strings are tied behind her neck, hidden beneath an oversize T-shirt. She bites on the end of her pen, hiding her smile, and Professor Roth continues his discussion on metaphysics—a subject I normally find riveting—but my attention falters when I notice a new student sitting across the room. The second stranger I’ve seen today.

There’s a small spike in my heart rate, and I have to admit, I’m a fan of the disheveled look he’s got going on. His brown hair is too long, tucked behind his ears; his chin scruffy and unshaven; his jaw sharp and strong. His Nirvana T-shirt looks worn and soft, stretched over his impressive biceps. I could probably stare at him all morning, but I’m interrupted by Soleil bumping her shoulder into mine.

“Told you there was something you had to see,” she whispered. “He’s just my type, isn’t he? Looks like a real troublemaker. I talked to him earlier.” She shoots a cautious glance at our teacher before going on. “I’ll tell you the rest after class.”

“You better,” I murmur, continuing to watch the guy, my curiosity piqued in a way I’m sure my boyfriend wouldn’t appreciate. Still . . . I can’t look away. I’m fascinated by him.

As if sensing me, the guy casually glances in my direction. But when he pauses to look at me, I hold my breath. His eyes, almond-shaped and green hazel, are beautiful. The corners of his mouth pull up slightly, and I think that if he smiles at me I’ll be lost completely.

My teacher clears his throat, and I force myself to give him my attention—even if I feel slightly dazed. Roth is explaining natural theology, and I’m fighting hard to keep from looking at the stranger again. When class is dismissed forty minutes later, I finally give in and turn.

The guy’s already up and grabbing his backpack from the floor, a black leather jacket gripped in his hand. He casts one more curious look in my direction and then heads out the door.

Chapter 2

“Harlin?” I repeat, looking at Soleil. “What kind of stupid-hot name is that?”

Soleil laughs, clicking the remote to unlock her car as we cross the school parking lot. “I know, right? I nearly died when he told me. He was pretty quiet, though. Doesn’t strike me as a big talker.” She pauses next to her driver’s door. “Still, I got his name and a basic rundown: originally from Oceanside, lived in Portland and Arizona. I was about to ask if he had a girlfriend, but then Roth came in and wanted to teach.”

“So inconvenient.”

“Totally. Okay, sunshine, are you off to work?” she asks. When I nod, she opens her door. “Cool. Then I’ll see you at the bonfire tonight. I have a date with the ocean in about ten minutes.”

I hold up my hand in a wave as Soleil gets in her car and leaves for the beach. Although I know it’s kind of wrong, I think about Harlin. And then I wonder what he would have said if Soleil asked him if he had a girlfriend.

There are several customers sitting at the outdoor tables of the Costas Bakery when I show up for my shift. I don’t normally work during the week, but after my phone took a dip, I asked my parents for a new one. My request was met with laughter, and then extra shifts so I could afford to buy one myself. Which will hopefully be by next paycheck.

I park the Jeep on the side of the building and then take a minute to look in the rearview mirror and tie up my long red hair, which is stringy and salty-dry. I brush sand from my temples and then close my eyes for a second, still feeling the sway of the waves. When the sensation threatens to rock me to sleep, I blow out an exhausted breath and then smile as hard as I can for ten seconds.

“Six, seven . . .”

By the time I get to eight the smile turns real, and I’m ready to serve up some cinnamon lattes. My parents have owned this bakery since I was a toddler, naming it after my mother’s family in Mexico. Our place is a hit; then again, we’re the only bakery in Deseo other than the donut case in Safeway. I don’t mind working here; it’s not like the job doesn’t have its perks. I get free coffee.

I approach the back door and see Tanner—our busboy—sitting on a milk crate, smoking a cigarette. Tanner’s in his early twenties, with long black hair he wears in a ponytail. He used to be a riot, but lately he’s been calling in sick. Distracted. Cranky. Today, he’s staring off across the parking lot, pulling a long drag from his smoke.

“Hey,” I say as I pass him. He turns slowly, his dark eyes rimmed in red. I’m about to ask if he’s okay, but then I feel a wind blow through me, although it doesn’t brush against my skin or move my hair. A tingling inches up my veins until my entire body tingles. I take in a sharp breath, and suddenly knowledge floods me—knowledge I could never have had on my own.

Panic starts to bubble up, but then a vision materializes and I’m immersed in it, as if I am there. It’s months ago, and I see Tanner sitting at a bar, talking to a woman who’s not his girlfriend. I know everything then—what he’s thinking, feeling. Tanner thinks this woman is everything his girlfriend is not. The scene fast-forwards and I watch their affair, watch how Tanner becomes obsessed. His mind twists around the thought of being with her, only her. And he doesn’t want her with anyone else.

I try to pull myself from the vision, terrified of what’s happening to me. How can I see this? How can I know? But it’s like I’ve lost control of my body, and I’m submerged once again.

Tanner watches as the woman, Kira, flirts with other men at the bar. He begs her to stop, tells her he’ll leave his girlfriend. But Kira says it’s too late—she’s moved on. Tanner won’t accept it. His passion brightens into anger—murderous anger that turns my stomach and makes my body shake.

I stagger back a step, cutting off the vision. “What’s happening?” I ask as Tanner stares at me, wide-eyed. I realize then that he saw it too—we shared the memories.

“How are you doing that?” he demands, jumping up from the crate. He drops his cigarette on the ground and stomps on it. Tears begin to sting my eyes. I’m scared, but I don’t answer Tanner because I can still see his plan; the gun in the glove compartment of his car. He’s going to use it to kill Kira and then himself. He’s going to ruin everything.

How do I know all of this? How can I possibly have this much information? I press my hands to my temples, afraid I’m having a nervous breakdown. But then . . . comfort rushes over me. Peace. Words form in my head, as if whispered in my ear from beyond me, beyond here. They are compassionate, but firm.

“You won’t be able to take it back,” I say, lifting my eyes to Tanner’s. My bones ache, but with each word I speak, I find a little relief. “You’ll never find peace. You need to let this go. You need help.”

“Go to hell!” Tanner snaps, and kicks over the crate he was sitting on. His cheeks have grown red with anger—he doesn’t want me to know; he doesn’t want me to stop him. His desire has made him desperate.

Tanner’s posture grows impatient, and he moves quickly to push past me. But the minute he touches me, his body convulses, stopping him. I moan, a sudden rush of light pouring from me, draining me. Tanner sways on his feet.

My arm heats up, my hand, my fingers. I can feel my skin burning Tanner. He gasps but doesn’t pull away; instead tears race down his cheeks. In my mind, in our shared vision, we watch Tanner commit the crime—murder Kira and himself. But then the scene is overwritten. A new future is offered, one in which Tanner leaves town without hurting anybody. He heads back to his home in Texas, with his mom and dad. The medication that will even him out—control the rage that has built up. The therapy and eventual calm.

The rush stops, but Tanner stands rooted in place. His mouth opens, but no words come out. His eyes glaze over, and I know then that he’s listening. He’s going to take the other path. He plans to leave town, head back to Texas. He won’t hurt anybody—but even so . . . I’ll know how close he came. I’ll know what he’s capable of.

“I have to go,” Tanner says as he looks around, broken from the spell. I expect to see more of the anger, but he’s distracted. “Claire, will you tell your mother I quit?”

“What?” I can’t even process his words as I try to figure out what happened. I think I am having a breakdown. Tanner shakes his head and then starts for his truck, half-dazed. I’m about to call out to him, demand that he explain to me what just happened, when I’m struck with a sense of euphoria—an airy sense of completion, comfort, love. I sway, falling back into the cement wall. I’ve never felt so peaceful. I still, closing my eyes, and let the fear evaporate.

When I open my eyes again, Tanner’s truck is gone. For a moment, I wonder if I imagined the entire exchange, but I see the crushed cigarette still on the ground. My stomach is twisted in knots, my body trembling. I rush inside to the bathroom, afraid I might throw up. Bursting through the door, I slam it shut behind me before locking it. At the white pedestal sink, I rest my hands on either side, my head hanging as I try to gather myself.

Tanner almost killed somebody. Should I call the police? I should. But say what? I saw inside his head, knew his intentions? I helped him; I saved someone’s life today.

Holy hell. I turn the cold water on high and splash a handful over my face. As it runs over my lips, I taste the salt water wash off my skin. I do this over and over until I start to feel more like myself. I look at my reflection, trying to discern if I’ve changed, if anything is different. But I’m exactly the same.

“Keep it together, Claire,” I murmur, and grab a handful of paper towels from the dispenser. I pat my face dry, studying it one more time. There is a murmur of voices outside the bathroom door, and I know I have to go to work.

Tanner quit. All the rest could have been some weird hallucination—could be from my colossal wipeout this morning while surfing. After my shift, I’ll talk to my mom, maybe stop by the urgent care. But my head doesn’t hurt now. I don’t feel sleepy.

I’m fine. I have to be fine. I scrape back the stray hairs into my ponytail. I repeat my mantra until I’m calmed, until I’m together. I change into my Costas T-shirt, and swipe on lip gloss and wash my hands. I’ll just work and see how I feel in a couple of hours. If things get weird again, I’ll leave. Ready. Go.

I walk out into the packed store. The tables are littered with leftover plates and cups; there’s the hum of conversation, and the smell of coffee beans and confectioners’ sugar hanging in the air.

My brother River glances up from where he’s stacking coffee cups at a table, teetering ceramics in his hand. He lifts his arm in acknowledgment, and the movement causes the stack of cups to waver. He quickly steadies them before smiling at me. The moment is so filled with normal, I return his smile and then cross the room to where my mother is making a latte.

“Um . . . so Tanner just quit,” I say to her back, dreading the follow-up questions. I can tell her about everything that happened, but I’m not sure she’ll believe that Tanner planned to kill someone. And she probably won’t believe how I found that out either.

My mother turns, setting down the metal container. “Are you kidding?” she asks. “When did Tanner quit?”

I lower my eyes, taking the end of my ponytail to twist the bright red strands. “Just now. He told me when I was walking in. I don’t think he’s coming back.” I know he’s not coming back.

My mother shakes her head and wipes down the machine with her rag. “I should have figured. He’s been unreliable lately.” She shrugs. “Well, looks like you and River will have to stay late to cover Tanner’s shift.” She flashes me a smile, but pauses. “Hey, you all right?”

“Yeah,” I say. “Just hasn’t been a great morning.”

The customer waiting at the counter is watching us, but the crease of concern between my mother’s eyebrows doesn’t fade. Now isn’t the time for me to worry her like this.

“I’m okay, Mom,” I tell her, and force a smile.

She runs her gaze over me, taking motherly inventory to make sure I’m really fine, and then nods. “Take it easy today, then,” she says. “I’ll have River pick up the later shift.”

“Lucky guy,” I say, and reach behind the register to grab an apron. My mother smiles at my sarcasm, a sure sign that I’m stable, and then she goes back to her customer.

I meet my brother at a corner table near the front, opting to help him bus so that I have something to do. I start to stack plates, but then feel tiny pinpricks spread over the back of my neck, sort of like I’m being watched. I roll a careful gaze across the room but don’t notice anything strange. Well, besides me, I guess.

River sets the gray tub on the chair, and then reaches to grab my pile of plates and puts them inside it. With one more uncomfortable check around, I turn to him.

“Today’s weird,” I tell him. He lifts one eyebrow. “Okay, yes, most days are weird. But this is weirder than usual.”

“I’m sorry doing nothing all morning was so strange for you,” River says, brushing his dark hair behind his ears. “I, on the other hand, was busting my ass here. I assume you were out with your life-sized Ken doll?”

I smile and toss a rogue chocolate chip from the table in his direction. My brother doesn’t dislike Ezra, but he seems to feel it’s his personal mission to trivialize our relationship at every turn. He says it’s an older-brother thing.

“I had class, dipshit,” I say. “And yes, Ezra’s fine. I’ll let him know you asked about him.”

“Oh, please do. Tell him he’ll have to show me around Barbie’s Dreamhouse sometime.”

“You suck.”

“And you’re dating a dude. I win.”

I move past River to the next table, but I’ve barely started before he takes the plates from my hand to restack them. “If you’re always going to be late for your shift,” he says, “you can at least learn how to bus properly.”

“Good thing I work with the bussing master. By the way, Mom said you have to pick up the later shift too. Tanner quit.”

“Damn, Tanner quit? I’ll be bussing all week.” He tosses a look at our mother. “Mom won’t make me stay,” he says when he thinks it over. “Listen, I need a break from the monotony of cleaning coffee cups. Are you going to the bonfire tonight? Because I could be persuaded to join you.”

Although I’m not in the mood to socialize, I know I should keep doing normal things. And nothing is more normal than a bonfire on a Friday night. “Yeah,” I tell him. “Soleil mentioned it in class.”

“I’ll bring chips.”

I laugh. River’s made no secret of his crush on my best friend, and they hang out all the time. But Soleil’s not into him that way. She likes her guys a little higher on the delinquent scale.

We finish cleaning the room just as the rush starts to die down. My mother sends me behind the register to work. My neck is sore from today’s wipeout, and I’m reminded of my exchange with Tanner. I could really be hurt. I could really be crazy.

I shake my head to try to clear it, and in the quiet that follows I let myself dwell on other things—like Harlin. His haunting hazel eyes, the grin that teased at his lips. What I’d give to see him smile. It strikes me then that I don’t think I’ve ever felt so attracted to someone. It’s a scary thought because I’m not sure what it means. What it means for me and Ezra.

The sun has turned the sky a fading gold as I take the right up the long gravel hill of my driveway. My muscles ache, and I predict a nap and hot shower are in my immediate future. My conversation with Tanner feels more like an out-of-body experience, and I’m starting to believe it was more hallucination than reality.

I park behind my brother’s car—and he was right: Our mother didn’t make him stay late. The blinds are drawn as I approach our white ranch-style home, palm trees swaying on the side of the house. They’re in desperate need of a trim, and the black paint on our window shutters is peeling off in big chunks. My mom calls it shabby chic, but really that’s code for home improvements my dad hasn’t gotten around to yet.

My father is the typical California surfer, and I’ve often wondered how he got paired up with my mother in the first place. He’s rarely out of beachwear, and his skin is deeply tanned from years on the ocean. He’s easygoing, slightly distracted—basically the opposite of my mother, who is high-strung and fully capable of running the world. They’re happy, truly happy, so I guess sometimes opposites really do attract.

The screen door slams shut behind me when I walk inside. I slip off my sandals and drop my bag near the front door. The house is a mess—as usual—but it’s a comfortable kind of mess that makes it feel like home. I collapse onto one of the rattan sofas and let my head fall back against the cushion.

“There you are.” My brother’s voice carries through the room. “Ezra called my phone. Said he’d be here at nine to pick you up. Please let him know I’m not your personal assistant.”

I slowly lift my head, finding River in the entryway, leaning against the doorframe. He’s wearing a different Costas Bakery T-shirt, this one faded with old splatters of paint on the sleeve.

“You could have told him yourself.”

River shrugs. “Naw. I like to keep up the pleasantries. Soleil asked for a ride, so we’ll catch you guys there. We might grab some tacos first.” My brother notices my goofy grin and shakes his head. “Shut up.”

“Didn’t say a word.”

River picks at his fingernails like he’s bored, and I feel the weight of the day crashing down on me. “I’m going to shower and nap,” I say, and stand up. “Let me know before you leave to get Soleil.” I grab a towel from the linen closet and head off for a shower.

Chapter 3

The water is cold and dark and suffocating. I lift my face to the surface, watching the light disappear as I sink. I’m holding my breath, my arms flailing out as I try to swim, but it’s like I’m weighed down with stones. Fear crawls up my throat, and I have my first convulsion as I try not to breathe in water. I’m going to die here. I’m going to die.

In the distance, I see a small glowing light. It’s so far—but I stretch my hand in that direction and instinctively call for help. Water slips inside my mouth. I try to cough but end up breathing in icy ocean water. It burns my nose, squeezes my throat. I claw at my skin, feeling like there’s an invisible rope strangling me. I try to get the water out, but with each try, I only bring more in.

The light is glowing brighter, but black dots of suffocation crowd my vision as I move toward unconsciousness. My eyes slip closed, and I force them open, wishing for someone to save me. Wishing to save myself.

“That’s it?” a voice whispers near my ear. Even though I know it’s not possible for her to talk underwater, I can feel her icy breath drift across my shoulder. “You’ll give up that easily? I must say, what a disappointment.”

“Claire?”

I convulse weakly, and turn to find the source of the voice. But it’s too late—I’ve drowned. All at once a shadow drapes over me like a dark blanket, blotting out all light, all hope.

And I die.

I jolt awake in my bed. I cough, frantically trying to choke up the water. It takes a minute for me to realize where I am. I’m home. My skin is damp with sweat, not ocean water, and I’m shaking.

“Claire,” River says. I look around my room and find him in the doorway. Night has fallen outside of my window, and I’m overwhelmed with relief to see my brother. It was just a dream. I’m not dead. Holy shit, that was intense.

“Sorry to wake you up,” River says, flipping on my light. “You said to let you know when I was leaving. I’ll see you there?”

I glance sideways at the alarm clock on my side table. Ezra will be here soon to take me to the bonfire, so I should get up. Get ready. Even though River’s here and my parents are probably just outside in the living room, I’m too frightened to set my feet on the floor, afraid of being swept away by an unseen apparition under my bed. I wait, up to my neck in blankets, until River leaves. And it isn’t until the nightmare has faded completely that I peel back my sheets and get ready for the bonfire.

Ezra and I pull up to our spot at the beach. The fire isn’t visible from the road, hidden behind a series of boulders jutting out of the sand. It isn’t illegal to be here at night, but we don’t want it advertised either.

“I hate that you don’t have a phone,” Ezra says, looking over as he yanks up the emergency brake. “Your brother doesn’t sound quite as sexy.”

“I’m sure your bromance will work itself out eventually.”

Ezra laughs, reaching over to take my hand, tugging me closer. “I missed you today,” he says. “We can always skip the party and hang out at my house.”

“Oh?” I raise an eyebrow. “Will we watch Lifetime movies with your mom?”

Ezra leans forward to kiss me, his arm wrapping around my waist to pull me tighter against him. “We can stay here,” he whispers against my mouth, his touch beginning to blot out any other plans I had tonight. We’re thoroughly exploring our options when the lights of another car flood the front seat, and I pull back. The car parks, but the moment has passed.

“You’re such a tease,” I say, and then check my reflection, swiping away any smeared lip gloss before turning back to smile at him. Normally I would find this car make-out kind of hot, but the day is still off. Besides my morning meltdown, I might be feeling a little guilty for my straying thoughts of Harlin.

“We should go,” I say, nodding toward the beach. “I’m sure your fans would like to see you.” My boyfriend is the reigning king of all things handsome at Deseo High School. Homecoming king, prom king, and he’ll probably win them both this year too.

Ezra blows out a frustrated breath and then watches the couple climb out of the car that just parked in front of us. “You know you’re the only one I’m here to impress, Claire.”

“I am impressed,” I say, giving him a long stare-down. Ezra laughs loudly, leaning in to give me one more quick kiss before opening the driver’s door. Everything seems to have snapped back to normal, and I smile as I grab my beach bag from the floor and get out.

Ezra locks the car and then appears next to me, taking my hand as we head across the sand. Every other Friday is like this—a bonfire on the beach, all our friends with the occasional new face of someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend.

As we round the rocks, Ezra lifts his hand in a wave when his friends call out to him. I wasn’t joking about fans; they really do idolize him. They’re all a year younger than me, but luckily my brother has moved on from the cradle-robber jokes to the Ken-and-Barbie ones. I’m glad—they’re less embarrassing.

Ezra gives me a squeeze before going to join his friends on the other side of the fire, and I maneuver through the people to where Soleil has taken up residence on a sun-bleached log. She hands me a red plastic cup when I sit down next to her.

“Your brother’s playing glow-in-the-dark Frisbee with the girls’ soccer team,” she says, sipping from her drink. “Why is he such a social butterfly today?”

I glance sideways, noting that her usual playful expression has slipped. She may have had too many drinks. Although Soleil may not like River, she definitely likes when he likes her. Clearly they have issues.

“Maybe he’s looking for attention,” I offer. The last thing I want to do is talk about my brother’s love life, and I start to scan the faces by the fire, hoping to find a new topic. I take a drink from my plastic cup and wince at its sugary sweetness. I set it aside.

“Where’s your boyfriend?” Soleil asks. “This party’s a bust. I need something pretty to stare at.”

I laugh. “You know Ezra. He’s probably making plans for an after-party already.”

“Always liked that guy.”

Across the sand, I notice a darkened figure coming toward the fire. I lean forward to see who it is. The silhouette is long and tall, and I don’t recognize her at first. When the amber light hits her face, I’m surprised to see the girl I gave a ride to this morning. But I’m even more surprised when Ezra walks up to her and starts talking like they’ve known each other forever.

“Who’s she?” Soleil asks, tipping her cup toward Lucy.

“A new girl in town. I gave her a lift to the Cordova Apartments today. I’ll be right back.” I start toward Ezra and Lucy, the cold sand sifting through my sandals. The air is crisper the farther from the fire I get. Neither seems to notice me, but then Lucy turns suddenly like she expected me to be there. I stop. A chill runs over my skin.

“Hey, Claire,” she says. At the sound of my name, Ezra looks over, all smiles. “This is a really cool spot,” Lucy continues. “Hope you don’t mind if I crash.”

“Of course not,” I say. “I’m sorry I didn’t mention it earlier. Surfing concussion.” I look between her and Ezra. “Do you guys know each other already?”

Ezra grins. “Nope. I like meeting new people, though.” Ezra has always been kind of flirtatious, but not in a way that makes me jealous. He really is just friendly.

“Lucy, this is my boyfriend, Ezra. Ezra, this is Lucy—she moved here from . . .” I pause, forgetting what we’d talked about earlier.

“Thistle, Arizona,” she says. “Shitty little town. But it’s full of some great people. Anyway”—she shoves her hands in her pockets—“mind if I grab a drink?”

“I’ll walk you over,” I reply. Ezra says he’ll catch up with us later and returns to his buddies, who immediately eye and whisper about Lucy. I can tell Ezra’s proud to return with information. He and Soleil are similar in that way.

“Your boyfriend seems nice,” Lucy says as we head to the Gatorade cooler filled with juice and vodka. “Been together long?”

“About eight months.” I pull a plastic cup from the sleeve and hand it to her. I don’t feel like drinking tonight. “My friend Soleil and I were at the beach one day, and Ezra hit me with a Frisbee.” I smile, watching as Lucy fills her cup. “He came over to get it, and once we started talking . . . I don’t know; we clicked. Became inseparable.”

“You’re lucky,” she says, taking a sip and wincing at the taste. “I haven’t met a decent guy in ages. Just think, if that Frisbee had been a little off course, he might have ended up with your friend.”

I furrow my brow, never having thought of it that way. I glance back at Soleil, who’s staring at the ocean, looking bored to tears. “Hey, want to meet her?” I ask Lucy.

“Maybe in a few? I think I’m going to have Ezra introduce me to a couple of his guys.” She pauses. “If you don’t mind.”

I laugh. “I’ve never been the possessive type,” I tell her. “I’ll catch up with you later.”

Lucy bites on her lip like she’s nervous and then turns to walk over to where Ezra is standing. It’s only a minute before Luke and Kevin are laughing at something she said, clearly impressed with Lucy. I’ll admit I am too. I expect Ezra to look over at me, but he doesn’t. He seems content in playing matchmaker.

“Friend of yours?” a soft voice asks. I spin, startled, and see the new guy from my philosophy class standing a few feet away. He nods in Lucy’s direction.

“Uh.” I glance at Lucy but then shake my head. “Not really. Just met her today, actually. You?” It hadn’t occurred to me that they may know each other, but now I have a sudden dread that she’s his girlfriend (or ex-girlfriend). Two strangers in one day is pretty odd.

Harlin brushes a strand of hair behind his ear, studying my reaction. “Nope,” he replies.

His voice is tender, like a song whispered in my ear. His black leather jacket is worn, a bright white T-shirt underneath. When he runs his hazel stare over me, I think he might be the hottest guy I’ve ever seen. I dare to take a step closer. “How—” I clear my throat, anxious in a way I didn’t expect. “How did you know about the bonfire?”

“Your friend Sarah told me.”

“Who?”

Harlin pauses, then chuckles quietly to himself. “Sorry. I meant Soleil. She invited me before class.”

I can’t believe Soleil asked him and didn’t tell me. She obviously left out some important details from our chat. I wonder what else they talked about. Lucy’s laugh echoes, and I turn to watch her. Harlin comes to stand next to me, his shoulder nearly against mine. I have a sudden and irrational wish to touch him, and my stomach flutters at the thought. He smells like leather, like comfort, and I can barely catch my breath as I look at him.

“I’m Claire,” I say. Harlin offers his hand, polite and genuine. I slide my palm into his, and when we touch, a shock of electricity shoots up my arm, making me jerk back.

Harlin freezes, staring down at his still-outstretched hand, his lips slightly parted. Even in the firelight, I can see the blush rising on his cheeks. He doesn’t say anything at first, but then he lifts his gaze. He smiles, slow and sexy, and in that instant, I come to life. My entire body warms.

“Hi, Claire,” he says softly. “I’m Harlin.” I can still feel the tingling in my fingers, and I have to wonder if anyone has ever felt this way after first meeting someone. It’s like I’ve just dropped from the top of a roller coaster. Harlin motions to my hair. “That shade of red is really pretty on you.”

I inspect the ends of my hair, mostly to fidget. After thinking about him all day, it’s surreal that the new guy is hitting on me. I should tell him I have a boyfriend, should go back to Soleil. Instead I thank him, opting to stay a little longer.

Near the fire, Kyle Rampert takes out his guitar and starts strumming, and I know that it’s only a matter of minutes before Ebony Campolla will join him, singing in her raspy voice. When she does, the entire night takes on a romantic quality. I’ve lost track of Ezra, who’s walking around the party with Lucy like he’s her tour guide. But in this moment, I don’t feel like I’m here with Ezra. Not anymore.

“Why did you really come here?” I ask Harlin, braver with each passing moment. “This doesn’t seem like your scene.”

“It’s not,” he replies. “Will it embarrass you if I’m honest?”

I laugh. “Probably.”

“I hoped you’d be here.” A shiver races down my back. “I wanted to meet you.”

“Oh.” I look down, putting my fingers on my lips to disguise the smile I can’t hold back. “Well . . . that is embarrassing.” We both laugh, awkward even though the flirting is exhilarating at the same time.

I’m about to ask him if he wants a drink when I hear a splash from the water. At first I think it’s a fish, but there’s a nagging in the back of my mind. Ebony is still singing, but underneath that is a hum I can’t seem to make out. I turn, facing the dark water and studying it, waiting for something to surface. Anxiety begins to twist around my gut. It’s not right—the feeling in the air is not right.

“Someone’s in the water,” I say to myself at first. And then louder: “Someone’s in the water!” I can’t see anything, but I know. I know that someone’s drowning right now.

I rush past Harlin toward the water, my sandals flipping off as I dig my toes in the sand to get traction. I hear the pounding of footsteps behind me and then Ezra is crashing into the waves with River right behind him. They’ve both been lifeguards, and I clasp my hands in front of me as they bob in and out of the water, calling to each other.

The party has stopped, everyone looking on in confused curiosity. But I feel dread winding through me, much like earlier with Tanner. Oh no. Is it happening again? A splash of cold water runs between my toes and startles me. Suddenly my anxiety is replaced with a steady calm.

“What’s going on?” Lucy appears next to me and loops her arm through mine like we’ve been friends forever. “Is someone in the water?”

“I think so,” I murmur, and lean into Lucy as we watch River and Ezra search the ocean.

“It’s dark out there,” Lucy says. “We should grab flashlights for them.”

I turn to her, waking slightly as I think that she’s right. “That’s a really good idea,” I say, and we dash back toward the coolers. There’s always a pile of flashlights for the walks back to the cars. I grab one and then toss another to Lucy. A small crowd has started to gather at the water, a frenzy running through the party as everyone tries to determine who exactly is missing.

Ezra emerges from the water with a loud splash, and I steady the light on him. “I’ve got her,” he coughs out, his arm wrapped around the neck of a girl as he begins to wade toward shore. River goes over to meet him, and then together they drag the girl to land, her black hair hanging over her face, her toes dragging in the sand. They set her down, and Ezra listens for her breath before starting chest compressions. My brother gives me a dire look, like he’s afraid she’s already dead.

It’s Francesca Roberts, the new girl—the old new girl. Soleil comes over, and we’re both terrified. Next to me, Lucy shakes her head in disbelief. Just then Francesca sputters up some of the ocean and convulses before turning on her side to gag.

“Jesus,” Ezra says, running his fingers roughly through his hair. River covers his face, relieved, before getting to his knees to help Francesca sit up. I’m so glad he was here to help.

The crackling of the bonfire is the only sound besides Francesca, who continues to struggle to get a clear breath. When she finally does, my brother can barely contain his anger.

“What were you thinking?” he asks, shivering in his wet clothes. “Why would you go out in the water?”

Francesca glances around at us, her eyes black orbs of smeared mascara. “I don’t know. I just . . . walked out there.” She shudders in a breath and starts to cry. “I don’t know why I did it. I almost drowned.”

River puts his arms around her and then helps her to her feet. Soleil grabs a blanket from the sand, shaking it out before wrapping it over Francesca’s shoulders.

I turn to Lucy, ready to say that nothing like this has ever happened before around here, but I see she’s not looking at Francesca at all. She’s staring across the sand to where Harlin is standing, glaring at her. I look between them, confused, but then Ezra takes my arm, startling me. His fingers are like ice, and his teeth chatter. My worry spikes, and I hug myself to him.

“You’re freezing,” I say. I rub my hands over his arms to warm him, but his clothes are dripping with seawater, his entire body shivering. “Let’s go,” I tell him, taking his elbow to pull him toward the cars. He’s not talking, his blue eyes wide and slightly dazed.

“See you around,” Lucy says as we pass her. Ezra stammers out a good-bye. “I’ll stop by the bakery sometime,” she adds when I look at her. I feel bad just leaving her behind, but it’s obvious that Ezra needs to get home. I tell my brother I’ll catch up with him later.

On the way out, I shoot a glance at Harlin. He watches me lead Ezra toward the car, and I’m not imagining the hurt in his expression. I think he just realized I have a boyfriend.

At the car, I hug Ezra once again, thinking that he’s not just cold—he’s in shock. I help him into the passenger side and then take his keys to drive. I get a little perspective on things again. I’ll forget about Harlin, who I hardly know anyway. I’ll ignore what happened at the bakery with Tanner, what happened just now at the beach. I don’t want to know things I shouldn’t. I just want to be Claire.

I’ve almost convinced myself that everything is back to the way it should be when I hear Ezra murmuring absently, like he’s repeating a song stuck in his head. It’s when I catch what he’s saying that the dread returns. “Go for a swim in the ocean.”

Chapter 4

It’s Saturday afternoon, and I’m stuck at work, sitting behind the counter at the bakery. It’s completely deserted, but I’m keeping myself busy checking Facebook and other updates on Francesca. There’ve been a few stories circulating about her near-drowning, ranging from a drunken party foul to a suicide attempt. But my friends and I have known Francesca for a long time, and I just don’t believe she would walk out into the ocean at night and let herself get swept away.

The bell on the door jingles. “Welcome to—” My heart jumps, and I have to bite back my smile. Harlin looks genuinely surprised to see me and quickly combs his fingers through his hair. The small gesture is adorable, and I twist the end of my ponytail as he approaches.

“Well, hello,” I say with a little laugh. “How did you know where I work?”

Harlin lifts his eyebrows. “Would you believe this is a coincidence?” I shrug, hoping it’s not. Hoping he’s here for me. “Honestly”—he flashes that knockout smile—“I’m just here for a coffee. But seeing you—that’s definitely a plus.”

“Charmer,” I tease, even though I am, in fact, completely charmed. For a moment, the rest of the world is just a blur around us. There’s only me and Harlin. But then the phone rings, snapping me back to reality. “Hold on,” I say, and cross to the end of the counter.

“Costas Bakery,” I say into the phone, glancing over my shoulder at Harlin. He’s staring up at the menu like he’s contemplating his order, but I’m still not totally sure this is a coincidence. Then again, I could be reading too much into it.

“Hey, Claire,” Ezra says on the line. I turn quickly around, guilt crawling over me. “How’s work?”

“Good,” I say, lowering my voice. “How’s home?”

“Boring. Are you almost done?”

“Uh . . . yeah. My mom’s at the store, but I can leave when she gets back. I’ll come see you after my shift?” Harlin’s presence on the other side of the counter is a magnetic pull, something I can’t seem to ignore. I pivot slightly and see him scrolling through his phone. As if sensing me, he lifts his eyes to mine. We both smile.

“Sounds good. I’ll see you then,” Ezra says, drawing me back. I murmur a good-bye and hang up, but for an instant I stand there, wondering what’s wrong with me. I haven’t actually done anything wrong . . . but it sure feels like I’m about to.

“I’ll just have a black coffee,” Harlin says to my back. Does he know I was talking to my boyfriend? Is he jealous? Does he have a right to be?

“Sure.” I pour Harlin’s drink in a to-go cup even though he didn’t ask for one. The longer I’m around him, the more comfortable I feel. The more I like him. I should probably squash this flirtation right now.

“I really didn’t know you worked here,” Harlin says, taking the cup from my hand. “I wanted a coffee, and when I rode by . . . I had to stop.” He takes a tentative sip.

I wait to hear if the coffee’s okay and use the moment to look Harlin over. He should probably shave. I bet he’d be stunning all cleaned up, although this rough-around-the-edges thing works too.

“Do you want a cupcake?” I ask, my urge to rush him out fading.

“You wouldn’t happen to have a bacon maple bar, would you?”

I scrunch my nose. “What? No. That sounds disgusting.”

“It’s good. I’ll have to take you for one sometime.”

Butterflies. “Where?”

Harlin grins. “Portland.”

“Pretty long day trip.”

“We could stay the night.”

I laugh, taking a step back because it feels like my face is about to catch fire. I quickly tap the keys of the cash register as Harlin relaxes against the counter, studying my reaction. I didn’t say no.

“Dollar fifty,” I say, trying to steer us to polite-strangers conversation. It doesn’t work, though, not when he’s watching me like that. And since we’re both back to grinning like idiots, I decide I have to be clearer. “I can’t run away with you.”

Harlin pauses to pull out his wallet, handing me a few bills. When he looks at me again, he seems amused by my directness. “Sure you can.”

The bakery door flies open as my brother strolls in for his shift, Soleil talking animatedly beside him. I’m suddenly nervous they’ll be able to see the attraction between me and Harlin, which in itself isn’t a huge deal. But it will mean torture later when my brother has a new way to embarrass me. Harlin glances over his shoulder, and River stops short, quickly looking between us.

“Where’s Mom?”

“Store.”

“Interesting. And who’s this?”

“That’s Harlin,” Soleil answers for me. She takes a seat at the nearest table and makes a kissy face to Harlin’s back. I laugh and shake my head for her to stop.

“Right,” River says. “I saw you at the bonfire last night.” He looks at me. “And I believe the two of you were together then, too. Hm . . .” He presses his lips in mock suspicion. Kill me now, please.

I turn to Harlin, nonchalant as possible. “I’ll see you at school on Monday,” I say, swiping a white rag over the counter even though it’s not dirty. I try not to stare, I honestly do, but when Harlin’s eyes meet mine, I’m once again swept up in the feeling I have when I’m around him.

“I can’t wait,” he murmurs, and lifts his coffee in thanks before turning and heading toward the door. My heart sinks. I really don’t want him to leave. Which is exactly why he has to.

River tsks, shaking his head slowly. “What would Ken think about you flirting with one of the Outsiders?”

“I wasn’t flirting,” I say. “But even if I was, Ezra would understand that talking with an attractive guy isn’t the same as running away with him on his motorcycle.”

“He has a motorcycle?” Soleil asks.

I pause, furrowing my brow. Does he? “I don’t know,” I murmur. “I’m not sure why I said that.”

“Uh, maybe you’re fantasizing a little much here, Claire,” River responds. He exchanges a playful look with Soleil.

“I’ll say.” Soleil laughs, crossing her arms over her chest. “I’m surprised the windows weren’t steamed up when we walked in.”

“Stop,” I warn. Oh, fun. It’s gang-up-on-Claire time. “I hate both of you.”

“Dang, girl,” Soleil responds, slowly shaking her head. “Did you get a sunburn today? You sure are red.”

“Like a tomato,” River adds.

“Okay, great,” I say, untying my apron and ready to die of embarrassment. “I’m going in the back while you two comedians finish your routine.”

“Don’t be a baby,” River says, taking the apron from my hands. “We’re just messing with you.”

“Besides”—Soleil leans against the table—“it’s not like you like him like him. You have Ezra.”

I’m reminded of Lucy’s comment at the bonfire. That if the Frisbee had missed me, had hit Soleil instead, maybe she and Ezra would be the couple. It hadn’t occurred to me before. But now I suddenly wonder.

“Yep,” I say.

Soleil smiles slightly, her brow furrowed. She tosses another glance at River just as the bell over the door jingles. We all turn, and I’m pleasantly surprised when I see Lucy. She’s wearing a short pink halter dress and has sunglasses on her head. She looks like she belongs at the beach—like maybe she’s trying to blend in.

“Hey!” I call. I hadn’t really gotten a chance to talk to her at the bonfire, and to be honest, I’m kind of curious about the deal between her and Harlin. The way they were glaring at each other, there has to be a story here.

“I’m taking you up on that latte offer.” She smiles broadly. “Oh.” She pauses, looking at the apron in River’s hand and then back at me. “Are you done for the day?”

“Yeah,” I respond. “I can still get you a drink, though.”

She shakes her head. “No worries. I was just trying to get out of my apartment. Actually, do you want to grab some lunch? I heard there’s a great Mexican restaurant on the beach.”

Soleil turns to me, waiting for my reply. “Yeah,” I tell Lucy. “I’m starving, and El Fuego has the best guacamole. Let me just clock out.”

Lucy nods, and I ignore the curious stares of River and Soleil. I’m supposed to go over to Ezra’s, but I’m sure he won’t mind if I stop for lunch first. It’s not like I’m going with another guy. With Harlin.

I punch my time card, and River appears next to me. “Stranger danger, Claire. First the motorcycle guy and now the new girl in town. You’re like some kind of rebel. It was rude not to invite Soleil at least.”

“I . . .” I’m about to argue, but then I see that River is right. It was rude not to ask Soleil to come along. She is my best friend. “I’ve been off lately,” I tell River. “I’ll invite her now.”

My brother continues to eye me like he’s trying to discern what’s wrong with me, and I go back to the front. But it’s just Lucy standing near the glass door.

“Where’s Soleil?” I ask, glancing around the room.

“She left,” Lucy says. “Said she had to go check on someone.” Lucy shrugs, and I grab my purse from behind the counter. Guess I did piss her off. I’ll call her when I get back, make sure she knows I wasn’t trying to be rude. “You ready?” Lucy asks.

El Fuego is a small restaurant just off the sand, with loud wallpaper, a half dozen tables, and killer guacamole. Most people sit at the outside bar to enjoy the ocean view, but Lucy and I opt for indoor seating because it’s air-conditioned. The temperature is really climbing.

“Have you always lived in Deseo?” Lucy asks after the server sets down a basket of chips. She dips one in guacamole and takes a bite. “This is good.”

“Told you.” I get a chip of my own. “Yep, I’m Californian, born and raised. My dad grew up here too. My mother’s family is from Mexico, but she and my dad met in culinary school twenty years ago. I’m the baby of the family.”

“The bakery was really cute,” Lucy says. “Do you enjoy it there?”

“Uh . . . sure. I mean, it could be worse. I could be working in some sketchy restaurant or out in the sun.”

“Well, then, you would have hated where I grew up. Dusty and hot and the only kinds of restaurants they have are sketchy. But I guess it had some charm. At least that’s what my dad says. He’s a pastor.”

“Are the two of you close?” I ask.

“Yeah.” Lucy smiles. “Yeah, we are.”

A sudden sadness crosses my heart. “I’m close to River. My parents are usually busy, and my other brothers are always gone. Sometimes it’s like River and I are on our own. I don’t know what I’d do without him.”

Lucy lowers her eyes, stirring her soda with a straw. “Ever feel like you don’t belong here?”

I don’t answer right away, as I consider that until yesterday I’d never felt out of place. Now I’m not so sure.

“I feel like that sometimes,” Lucy says quietly. “It was why I left Thistle. I didn’t belong anymore. Not without my sister.”

A knot forms in my stomach. “What do you mean? Did something happen to her?”

Lucy doesn’t look up. “She ran away.” I gasp, but she’s quick to explain. “Elise is all right. Just moved on, I guess. But I plan to bring her back. Dad and I . . . we aren’t a family without her.”

“I’m so sorry. Do you know where she is?”

Lucy glances up. “Not yet. She’s laying low. But I’m confident I’ll get her to come home. I’m just going to hang out in Deseo until she comes around.”

“I’m sure she will.” I smile, trying to be encouraging. In truth, I can’t imagine what it’d be like if one of my brothers just decided to run off—not to college, but to start over without us. It must hurt. What if River did that? What would I do?

The server delivers our food, and Lucy and I are quiet as we dig into our enchiladas. Now that I know about her sister, I feel like there’s a bond between us. I feel like I could tell her anything.

“Do . . .” I pause, my cheeks reddening. “Do you know a guy named Harlin?”

Lucy’s fork slips from her fingers and clatters on her plate. She apologizes quickly and picks it up, but from that reaction, I guess she does know him. Now I’m not sure I want to know the answer. If he has a girlfriend—

I stop the thought. Who cares if he has a girlfriend? I do, in fact, have a boyfriend. I need to remember that.

“Yeah, I know Harlin,” she says calmly. “He used to date my sister.”

My stomach sinks. At the bonfire, Harlin told me he wasn’t friends with Lucy. Why did he lie to me? “Is that why your sister left? Did she leave with him?”

Lucy wipes her hands on her napkin and tosses it on top of her plate. “No. She broke his heart. I don’t think he expected her to go away.” She sighs. “Harlin and I aren’t on the best of terms right now.”

“I noticed.”

Lucy laughs and glances around the quiet restaurant. “I should probably let you go,” Lucy says. “I got a job at the movie theater. Don’t want to be late for my first day.”

I take out cash and hold it up for the server. “I got this,” I tell Lucy.

“That’s sweet,” she says, looking touched. “Thank you.”

Once the bill is paid, Lucy and I walk toward my car. As we cross the parking lot, Lucy points toward the bus stop. “You go on ahead,” she says. “I’ll take the bus so I can time out the route. If I like this job, maybe we can barter lattes for movies.”

“I approve of this plan. Good luck.” We say good-bye, and when I get into the sunbaked air of the Jeep, I smile. It’s nice to hang out with someone new once in a while. And the fact that she knows Harlin—it’s weird. And sure, they’re not friends, but she knows about him. I can’t deny that I’m curious to hear what else she has to say when it comes to Harlin.

When I pull up to Ezra’s, I’m surprised to see Soleil’s car parked out front. She was annoyed with me earlier, but it’s not usual for her and Ezra to hang out. At least, not without me. God, not having a phone sucks. I feel completely out of the loop.

I climb the front porch steps, pulling out a stick of gum and popping it into my mouth before knocking. When the door opens, Ezra is in midlaugh.

“Hey, Becks,” he says, leaning against the doorframe. “I thought you forgot about me.”

I look behind him into the house but don’t see Soleil. Ezra is wearing swim trunks, his shoulders red because he never wears sunscreen. He must have been hanging by the pool. “I ended up having lunch with the new girl, Lucy,” I tell him. “Sorry—I should have called before I left the bakery.” I glance back at the car. “Is Soleil here?”

“Yeah,” Ezra says, coming out onto the porch to wrap his arms around my waist. His skin is hot as I run my hands down his back. “She stopped by to see how I was doing after last night.” Ezra kisses my cheek and hugs me close. “After that we decided to swim until you got here.”

Again, I’m struck by how strange that is. Then again, maybe I’m being paranoid. I pull back and kiss Ezra quickly. “I didn’t bring my suit,” I say. “Should I run home and get it?”

Ezra laughs into my hair. “Absolutely not.”

“Not skinny-dipping.”

“Okay, sure.” Ezra grins, and points toward the house. “Soleil’s here anyway. Did you want to say hi?”

“Uh . . .” I look down the hallway to where I know the pool is located. “I’ll see her when I get back.”

Ezra shrugs and gives me a kiss good-bye.

I walk off the porch, sort of dreading coming back. I’m not exactly sure why—but it’s weird. I feel so distant from my life. From Soleil. And from Ezra.

Chapter 5

The light turns red, and I ease on the brake until I stop. The streets are summertime quiet, a lazy pace the farther I get from the beach. A tingling starts in my toes. A warmth that climbs up my legs, over my arms. The heat brightens into pain, and I wince. I glance in my rearview mirror, and then roll through the light to turn on to a side street and park at the curb.

“Ow,” I murmur, resting my head against the steering wheel while I hold my gut. It’s like a cramp, but stronger. I don’t have a phone, so I can’t call my mom. I measure my breaths, hoping it will pass, but the pain only seems to get stronger.

I have to get out of the car. Somehow I know I have to escape. I straighten up and unclick my seat belt. With the movement, my pain seems to ease. I climb out of the car and walk to the sidewalk—drawn forward. I look around the street, searching for an explanation even though I know there isn’t one. What’s happening to me?

My eyes sting with tears as fear begins to make me tremble. I stagger over to the bus stop and drop down on the bench. I put my elbows on my knees and put my head in my hands as my heart pounds. Just then, I feel someone sit down next to me.

A wind blows over me, and I turn sideways and see Miriam Kemper, clutching her purse in her lap. Her face is wrinkled with deep lines, her navy dress baggy on her thin frame. I’ve known Miriam most of my life—she was a volunteer at the library until her husband died six months ago. And then, just as she lifts her watery blue eyes, I’m struck with a vision.

No, not again. Before I can fight it, I’m submerged in Miriam’s life as if I’m there.

Miriam is lying in bed with her husband of forty years. It’s dark, the only light from the small TV on the dresser playing an infomercial. She hears the cough, the thickness—the choking. Samuel has been suffering from emphysema for close to a year, but now he’s bedridden and without a voice. Miriam’s taken on the role of nurse, and clicks the lamp on the side table before grabbing the inhaler.

In front of me now, Miriam closes her eyes, and tears spill onto her cheeks. She thinks back on that night, and I’m there with her.

Miriam turns to her husband, and his eyes lock on hers—pleading and desperate. His look begs her to let him go, to let him finally have peace.

“Don’t you leave me,” Miriam murmurs, her lips quivering with the start of a cry. Samuel, unable to talk, only reaches to take her hand—a hand that held his for forty years—his body shaking with the coughs he tries to hold in.

She has a choice then. Instead of putting the inhaler to his mouth, forcing medication into his lungs, Miriam Kemper curls up next to her husband and feels his arms around her one last time. She cries into the warmth of his nightshirt until his coughing finally subsides. Until all is quiet and his arm falls away.

“Oh, Miriam,” I whisper, feeling the guilt the way she does. The crushing sense of final loss, the shroud of doubt. But beyond that is a message, something I have to tell Miriam—even though it’s not really from me. “It’s what he wanted,” I say, trying to soothe her pain and alleviate her guilt. “He loved you very much.”

I move to put my hand on her shoulder, and she winces as if my touch hurts her.

“I’m all alone,” she weeps. “I can’t make it without my Samuel.”

“You will.” There’s so much energy racing through me, it’s making me dizzy. I want to pull away, but I can’t. Miriam has to listen. If she doesn’t, she’ll die. “Samuel would want you to move on,” I tell her. “To have a life. You have to love him enough to let him go now.”

She’s crying, but suddenly . . . I feel it. She’s listening, accepting what I’ve told her. Miriam knows she has to keep living her life, but her grief had overwhelmed her. This small respite has given her clarity.

Miriam sniffles hard, smoothing back her hair. I lower my arm, and the pain that had built up, the energy, dissolves. I expect Miriam to turn to me, ask what just happened. But before I try to explain, warmth and euphoria spread over me, making me sway on the bench. The hot, searing pain in the back of my neck has faded away. After a moment, I turn to Miriam again. She’s gathered herself, looking as if she’s ready to leave.

“I’m sorry,” I say, worried I’ve frightened her. Miriam casts a confused glance around the street and then seems just to notice me. “Oh, hi, honey,” she says, her voice still thick from crying. “Do you know what time it is?”

Is she not going to ask what’s going on? I’m freaking out, but Miriam doesn’t appear concerned. “Uh,” I fumble, taking a long moment to answer. “It’s about one thirty, I guess.”

Miriam smiles, and reaches to pat my arm. “Well, then I better get home. I think I’ll go see my son in Denver. Tell your mother and father I said hello.” She stands, pulling her purse strap over her shoulder. And then she leaves.

I stare after her, my heart racing. My fingers still tingling. This is the second time this has happened. First with Tanner, now with Miriam. Am I psychic? Am I crazy? Tears well up, and I’m scared. Am I scared enough to tell my parents? What if they don’t believe me? What if they think—

I get up from the bench and run for my car. I turn the ignition, wishing I had a phone. My parents are probably at the bakery with River. Ezra and Soleil are at his house. I don’t know where to go, so I drive back to my house. I’ll be alone, and I’m terrified to be alone.

But I’m not crazy.

The minute I get home, I turn on my laptop and begin researching. I type in every symptom, every sensation—but nothing fits exactly. Instead it seems like I could have a million different disorders, diseases. Rather than comfort me, the internet has made me more terrified. I click the laptop shut and start toward my room. My head is foggy, and I won’t let myself cry anymore.

I’m going to sleep this off. When I wake up, I’ll talk to my mom and dad. They’ll know what to do. But I can’t discuss it right now. My body is worn down, exhausted. I climb up on my bed and hug the pillow close to me. When I wake up, it’ll make sense. I know it’ll make sense.

I’m standing in front of the Costas Bakery, but I don’t go inside. I know the doors are locked, even though I can’t remember if I tried the handle. The weather is warm and breezy on my bare legs, and I look down, surprised to see myself wearing a plaid uniform skirt. I don’t own anything like this.

I notice then my reflection in the glass door. It takes me a minute to realize it’s me: the blond hair, the freckles. An entirely different face. I step toward the door, outstretch my hand until I touch the glass, surprised it’s cold despite the warm air. I trace her . . . my features. She’s so familiar, but her image fills me with despair. Loneliness. Behind my reflection I notice him, watching sadly as he waits.

“Harlin,” I call softly, my heart swelling at the sight of him. I love him. I feel it in my soul. I love Harlin more than anything in the world. But the reflection is beginning to fade, and I bang my hand on the glass, devastated at the thought of losing him again.

“Don’t wake up,” I tell myself. “Please don’t wake up.”

I gasp awake, the light outside the window set at dusk. For a moment, I can still see Harlin, still remember my face. But as I sit up, turn on my light—the dream slips away, leaving only a vague sense of loneliness. The house is still quiet when I walk out into the living room, and I’m perplexed as to where my family is. We don’t have a house phone, haven’t needed it since we all have cell phones. Or at least we did.

Ezra’s probably wondering where I am right now. Even though I doubt they’re still at the pool, I go back to my room to grab my swimsuit and then head out the door. The incident with Miriam seems far off now, like it happened to someone else. As the fear tries to creep back in, I decide not to let it. If I act normal, then I’ll be normal.

I’m going to find my boyfriend. I’m going to spend time with my best friend. I’m going to work my job at the Costas Bakery. That’s how I’ll make all this craziness go away.

I drive over to Ezra’s and immediately notice that Soleil’s car is gone. I park and knock on Ezra’s front door, the sky quickly darkening into night. No one answers, so I knock again, wondering if he and Soleil went for dinner.

Uneasy thoughts are itching at the back of my mind, wanting to call up the moments with Tanner and Miriam, so I move quickly and get back in the Jeep. I consider dropping by the bakery to see if my family is still there, prepping for tomorrow. It’s weird that they’d still be at the shop, but I can’t imagine where they’d go out and not tell me.

I start driving aimlessly, turning up the radio to distract myself. I take a right on Sycamore Road and realize that I’m near the movie theater. Maybe Lucy’s still there. Or if she’s done, maybe she’ll want to hang out for a while.

I park in the no-man’s-land section of the lot and start my trek toward the theater. When I push open the glass door, the smell of popcorn offers immediate comfort. I love the movies, especially this theater. It’s old and the seats are kind of uncomfortable, but there’s charm in the lack of updating. Vintage posters and old projectors are part of the decor.

The concession stand is in the front before the ticket office, and I notice Lucy right away. She’s wearing a red-and-white-striped shirt with a visor. It’s hysterical. I’m going to tease her about it when she looks up and sees me. I expect her to laugh, but instead she presses her lips together, looking concerned. She whispers to the boy next to her, and he leaves to go in the back.

“I’ve been trying to reach you,” Lucy says, sounding pained. “I called the bakery a few times. Your brother said he hadn’t seen you.”

“I fell asleep. Why? Are you okay?”

Lucy’s expression is so foreboding that my stomach starts to knot. She reaches across the glass to take my hand, startling me. An aching sort of sickness floods me.

“Ezra’s here,” she says in a low voice. “I’m not sure how to tell you this, Claire. But he’s here with that friend of yours. What’s her name?”

I swallow down the acidic taste that crawls up my throat, anger starting to rise inside of me. “Are you talking about Soleil?”

Lucy’s eyes narrow slightly. “Yes. He’s here with Soleil. I spoke to them when they came in.” She tilts her head, examining my eyes. “I’m not sure they remembered me from last night, because if they did—they sure didn’t try to hide it.”

My breath catches. “Hide what?”

Lucy shakes her head like she can’t go on and releases her grip on my hand. I step back, upset. “Lucy,” I say loudly, “hide what?”

She shrugs sadly. “They’re in theater four.”

I glance down the hallway, and then back at her. Is she . . . is Lucy saying that Ezra and Soleil are here together together? Is my boyfriend cheating on me with my best friend? My eyes begin to sting with tears, and I can barely hear Lucy call my name as I start toward the theater. It’s not true. I refuse to believe it’s true.

Yanking open the door, I’m momentarily blinded in the darkness. When my eyes adjust, I notice them halfway up the aisle on the right. They’re sitting next to each other. Are they too close?

Fury builds under my skin, and I think about yesterday when Soleil called. When she called Ezra’s phone. Was she even looking for me? How long has this been going on? I choke on an angry cry and head down the aisle. Lucy was right. They aren’t even trying to hide it.

When I stop at the end of their row, it takes a minute for Soleil to look over. Her eyes widen when she sees me, and she immediately passes the bucket of popcorn to Ezra, startling him from the movie.

“Where have you been?” she whispers to me, seeming shocked. As if she has the right to ask when she’s here with my boyfriend. Ezra looks over, but he doesn’t say anything right away. Instead he just seems to take in my appearance. A person in the row behind them tells me to sit down, and I shoot him a dirty look. I’m so . . . angry. I feel like I could tear this place apart.

“You’re cheating on me?” I ask Ezra. Soleil turns to him accusingly, but it takes a second for her to realize she’s included in the equation.

“Claire,” she starts. “What? No. We were waiting for you and—”

“Shut up,” I snap at her. “I can see what’s going on here.”

Ezra stands, and I feel the entire theater watching us. I just don’t care. “You’re freaking out,” he says, reaching to take my arms. But I won’t let him touch me.

“Go to hell,” I growl. “Both of you.”

Without waiting for another word, I storm up the aisle, tears racing down my cheeks. I can barely get my mind around what’s happening, and I break into a run, needing to escape. As I pass the concession stand, Lucy leans her elbows on the counter, her chin in her palms.

“Night, Claire,” she calls after me. I glance back, confused by her calm appearance when everything is falling apart. But I’m too upset to respond.

I burst out of the theater doors and run for the Jeep. The minute I lock myself inside, I sob and let the grief fill me. My life has just imploded.

Chapter 6

The anger fades slightly as I drive through the darkened streets. To be honest, I’ve never felt that sort of venom before. Right now all I want is to curl up and cry. I’m . . . heartbroken.

I don’t want to go home, not when my eyes are swollen and my cheeks stiff with dried tears. I’m suddenly so alone—so crushingly alone that it feels like my insides are being hollowed out. I stop at a red light, sniffling back the next round of tears, and look to the side to see the beach parking lot.

Francesca almost drowned here last night—now I’m the one who feels like she’s drowning. When the light turns green, I pull into the lot and park. I need time to clear my head. I’m too humiliated to face anyone. How blind I must have been not to see what was going on between Ezra and Soleil. How stupid.

I grab a flashlight and start toward the beach, where the bonfire had burned just the night before. It’s dark, and I click on my flashlight, cutting patterns into the sand. Fear creeps in, replacing my sadness. I don’t think I’ve ever come here by myself before. Does it always feel this eerie?

There’s the sound of a stick snapping, and I jump so high I nearly drop the flashlight. I swing around, shining the light in all directions until I hear the noise again on the other side of the boulder. There’s a faint glow, and I realize someone’s built a fire. I’m not sure if I should go any farther, but my curiosity wins out. I slowly step out into the amber glow.

“Harlin?” I say, surprised to see him sitting in the sand in front of a small fire, a sketch pad in his hands. His initial shock is quickly masked by that knockout smile.

He sets the pad aside on the blanket and crosses his arms over his chest. I can’t help but notice his bulging biceps again. “Hey, Claire,” he responds. “You following me?”

He’s trying to joke, but I can’t even return his smile. “Can I sit with you awhile?” I ask, feeling pathetic. “I’m having a shitty night.”

“Of course.” Harlin’s voice is twinged with concern, but he doesn’t press me for details. Instead he smooths out the edges of the blanket, swiping away sand before motioning for me to join him.

Although it’s dark here, in this little alcove next to the rocks it’s warm and inviting. I think more than a little of that comfort is radiating from Harlin. I sit, wrapping my arms around my knees, and he leans back on the blanket, resting on his elbows as he watches me. We’re silent for a while, my mood improving with each passing second. How does he do this to me? How does he make me forget about everything else?

“Who are you?” I ask, trying to figure out this effect he’s having on me. Harlin licks his bottom lip before answering, completely disrupting my train of thought.

“I think the real question is who you are. I’d like to find out.”

I turn away, shaking my head as I laugh softly. I can’t believe he’s feeding me lines and I’m not walking out of here. Ezra is downtown with Soleil, and here I am talking to another guy? “This is a bad idea,” I say, ready to get up.

Harlin straightens, his easy smile falling away. “No, please,” he says quickly. “Don’t go yet. I . . .” He glances around as if searching for an excuse for me to stay, and his gaze fixes on the sketch pad. “Can I show you something?”

I look at him doubtfully. “If it’s a drawing of me, I’m going to be freaked out.”

He chuckles, and then stretches over to grab the pad. “You have no idea how funny that statement is.” Harlin shifts his position until he’s next to me, our shoulders touching. He holds the sketch pad in front of us.

As he tries to find the page, I admire the lines of his face: the shape of his eyes, the curve of his lips. If I was to imagine the perfect guy—I might just conjure Harlin. Guilt hits me, reminding me that until twenty minutes ago, Ezra was my boyfriend. Technically, he still is. I shouldn’t be thinking about this guy at all. And then there’s what Lucy told me. She knows Harlin—and they’re not friends.

Although he must feel me staring at him, Harlin doesn’t meet my eyes. He taps his finger on the sketch pad, drawing my attention there.

“This was my girlfriend,” he says quietly. My heart dips, and I search the image, a little jealous even though I have no right to be. I’m not sure why he’s showing me this, but I find myself leaning closer to get a better look in the low light of the fire.

“She’s pretty,” I say, noticing the waves of her hair, her delicate features. I wonder if this is Lucy’s sister, and try to see the similarity between them. Harlin stares at the picture with a sad smile.

“She was beautiful.”

I look at him again. The tone of his voice is so final, lost. So incredibly sad—I ache for him. “Do you still love her?” I ask.

“Yeah,” he says quietly, setting the pad aside like he can’t bear to see her face any longer. After a pause, he turns to me. “She always comes back, though.” His hazel eyes are sorrowful, but deep with a passion that reaches out, wrapping me up and pulling me in. This close together, I can barely catch my breath, drawn to him and his pain.

“And every time I find her,” he whispers, trailing his gaze over me, “we fall in love all over again. Helplessly.” He reaches to take my hand and presses it over his heart.

The heat of his skin burns through his shirt, the pulsing beneath fast and strong. He slides his fingers between mine, and the friction is so intimate, my eyelids flutter and I’m positively submerged in desire.

Without thinking, I lean forward and kiss him. The minute my mouth touches his, the world surrounding us disappears. He tastes lightly of cinnamon—his kiss soft and gentle, yet it consumes me. Harlin rests his hand on the back of my neck, and when his tongue grazes my lower lip, my entire body responds.

I’m lost in the passion of the moment, and I push him back on the blanket. “I’ve missed you,” I say, overwhelmed with the feeling. He’s devouring me, and I can’t get a clear thought—it’s all kisses and longing. Harlin’s touch is maddening as he teases with the hem of my tank top. In that moment, I’m willing to give him everything.

But then, in a crashing wave, my sanity returns from wherever it had retreated. I realize where I am and pull back, shocked—somewhat scandalized. I put my fingers on my still-tingling lips, mortified at my behavior. “Whoa,” I say, moving off him. “I’m sorry.”

Harlin, still breathing heavily, looks disoriented. “Believe me,” he says, sitting up, “you have nothing to apologize for. That was—” He stops when I climb to my feet, ready to run out of here.

My life has completely crashed and burned tonight, and this is another complication I’ve added to it. I have to get home. Harlin stands, his eyes wide as he follows me to where I’m bending to get the flashlight.

“You don’t have to go,” he says. “I won’t let you kiss me again.” He smiles, trying to lighten the moment, but it’s too late. My guilt has won out. Harlin reads the thought, and the sadness returns—a dark cloud over everything. “Don’t leave me,” he says in a low voice.

Pain hits my chest, his plea deeper than I can understand. But this is crazy, just like everything else in my life right now. “I have to,” I say regretfully. “This”—I motion around us—“isn’t me.”

Harlin watches me back away, and I’m suddenly so vulnerable—ready to be swept away with him if he’d only just ask. But he doesn’t; he stands there like I’ve broken his heart. “I know exactly who you are, Claire,” he calls from behind me. “I’m just not sure how to tell you yet.”

I pause, glancing back at him. Harlin lowers his head, seeming as devastated as I feel, but there’s something nagging at me. “Why don’t you and Lucy like each other?” I ask.

His head snaps up.

“You’ve talked to her?” he asks. “What did she tell you?”

His mood shifts, his shoulders tense. Lucy wasn’t kidding about their relationship. “She said you used to date her sister. But she broke your heart.”

“Stay away from Lucy,” he says, not disputing my words. “She’s not who she seems. She’s a bad influence, Claire.”

I’m kind of offended on Lucy’s behalf, and cross my arms over my chest. “She’s the one who let me know my boyfriend was cheating on me. And she told me about you, even though you pretended not to know her on the beach last night. Maybe you’re the bad influence.”

Harlin straightens, but I can’t handle the hurt look on his face. I turn and start back to the car, my chest feeling heavier the farther from him I get. By the time I’m at the Jeep, my anger at Ezra and Soleil has been diffused by my own guilt about kissing Harlin. How am I any better than my boyfriend?

And Harlin. What the hell was that about? I want to be ashamed, but instead I’m reveling in the smell of him left behind on my skin. His taste. His voice drifting into my ear. Clearly I’ve gone off the rails—but I’m not sorry. Why aren’t I sorry?

Every light in my house is ablaze when I pull into the driveway ten minutes later. I take a moment to gather myself, wiping my cheeks and smoothing back my hair. I touch my lips, flashing back to how it felt when Harlin kissed me. I close my eyes, missing him.

What is wrong with me? I quickly get out of the Jeep and head inside, embarrassed that I let a stranger interrupt what should be a normal grieving process. I just caught my boyfriend and my best friend together. I should be furious. I should be devastated. And I was. When I was at the movies, I’d never felt such hatred, like I was surrounded in a dark cloud of misery. Now . . . I’m just sad.

I walk in the front door, expecting to find my parents watching TV on the sofa, but the room is empty. I hear the water running in the kitchen. When I walk in, I see my mother at the sink, scrubbing forcefully at the bottom of a pan.

“Hey, Mom.”

My mother turns so quickly the pan drops from her hands and clatters in the sink. She stands for a minute, looking me over, and then turns off the faucet. “Thank God,” she says, and then crosses the room to hug me. My mother always smells like vanilla, the scent of comfort, and although I don’t know why she’s hugging me, in her arms the events of the day, of the weekend, come crashing down. I start to cry into my mother’s shoulder.

“Claire, where have you been?” she asks, pulling away to look at me. She brushes back my hair with her still-wet hands. “Your father and brother are out looking for you. I called Soleil, but she said the two of you are fighting. She said you had a breakdown in the movie theater. What’s going on?”

I sniffle back my tears, my fear and hurt bubbling up to the surface. “Ezra and Soleil,” I start, “they were together at the movies. I think they’re seeing each other.”

My mother’s eyes widen, and she pulls me against her once again. She says all the soothing things she should, trying her best to make it better, be understanding. But it’s not just my relationship drama weighing on me. I’m scared.

“Mom,” I say, and my voice cracks. “I think something’s wrong with me.”

She tilts her head sympathetically. “Oh, honey. There’s nothing wrong with you. If Ezra is cheating, that’s because he’s a jerk. Not because you did something wrong.”

“No. That’s not what I mean. I—”

The front door opens, and we turn to see my father and brother walk in. My dad drops the keys on the entry table and crosses the room to hug me. “I was so worried,” he murmurs. “Where’ve you been?”

“I went to the beach,” I reply, my cheek against the front of his shirt. It’s all too much—the worry, the fear. With my parents I feel safe, and I don’t want to dwell on the other stuff. I don’t know if they’d believe it anyway.

My father keeps his arm around me as my mother delicately tells him about Ezra and Soleil, shooting me sympathetic glances. I feel my father stiffen and actually look at the door like he might go out and confront my boyfriend. But by the end of the conversation, it is decided that we all need some rest. A new perspective in the morning to evaluate what to do.

“Next time you go to the beach at night,” my father tells me, “let one of us know. River and I were at the beach, and the only person we saw there was some guy on a Harley. Nearly gave me a heart attack to know there was a stranger riding around while my daughter was unaccounted for.”

River narrows his eyes, trying to gauge my reaction. He might have some suspicions that I was with Harlin after seeing him in the bakery today. I quickly look away. Admitting I was with another guy isn’t going to win me any sympathy points, and right now I need the comfort.

So I let my parents tell me it will be okay. I let myself believe them. And when I go to bed, I vow to fix things in the morning—figure out what exactly is going on. And how exactly I feel about it.

Chapter 7

The sound of rain patters on the windows of the diner. I look around, and the place is empty except for one table in the corner. A blond-headed guy sits with his back to me, and I’m drawn to him. Slowly, my legs heavy as if walking through water, I move toward him. But before I reach him, he pauses, a coffee cup in his hand.

“Hello, sweetheart,” he says in a British accent, and turns slightly. I can see his features, his hair graying at the temples, the scratchy beard growing on his jaw. I recognize him, although I can’t imagine from where. “You’re still so beautiful.” He turns his back to me once again and sips from his cup.

“Who are you?” I ask. My voice sounds low and muffled. It surprises me, but then I look around again. I know this place—it’s a diner in Thistle, Arizona—even though I’ve never been there. It hits me then that this is a dream.

And sitting in front of me is Monroe Swift.

When I look at him, he’s facing me full on. He smiles, warm, loving. But in my head, I know he’s not real. Monroe died. He was my Seer; he helped me through my compulsions to save people—the Need—and led me to the light.

“Why am I here?” I ask, lifting my hands helplessly. “Why am I back?” I know things, but in that dreamlike way. Time lines don’t connect; the way I look doesn’t always match up with who I am. But I do know one thing: I’m a Forgotten. The words, the messages that come from beyond me, change people’s lives. I spread hope, and ultimately, I’ll have to sacrifice myself for the greater good. Again.

“It’s your sister, sweetheart,” Monroe says. “She’s consumed by the Want. You’ll have to extinguish her.”

My sister, Lucy. She was like me, a Forgotten. But she couldn’t make the sacrifice, and instead she turned to the Shadows—binding herself to misery. Horror. She’s the bad impulses in the world. She’s death and destruction.

But she’s still my sister.

“What does she want with me?” I ask.

“She wants you to be a Shadow with her, stay with her forever. She wants to put out your light and keep you. She’s selfish and she’s dangerous.”

I shake my head, an ache spreading through my chest. “But it’s not her fault,” I say sadly. “She didn’t know what she was giving up.” The Shadows are often tricked, promised eternity with those they love but never told about the impulses they’ll have to indulge. Lucy just wanted to stay with me and our father. She wasn’t ready to cross over. “I won’t do it,” I say with a shrug. “I can’t.”

Monroe nods as if he understands, and I miss him so much. Monroe was my doctor, my confidant. He was like a father to me once. “Then she’ll kill you and everyone you love,” he says. “The choice has never been easy, Charlotte. Elise.” He smiles. “Claire.”

I open my eyes, and my bedroom is filled with sunlight. I’m shaking, unbearably sad. Grief-stricken, even. I remember my dream, but it doesn’t make sense. Monroe—I don’t know him. But in my dream I did. Oh God. I’m going completely crazy.

I run my palm over my face, trying to make sense of everything. Lucy’s my sister? No, no—what kind of whacked-out dreams am I having? What the hell is going on? I get out of my bed and grab my robe. It’s barely six a.m. and the house is quiet. I quickly shower and then go back to my room, trying not to think. I’m just movements, my eyes wide and scared in my reflection.

As I rub the towel over my hair, I imagine it blond again. I freeze, staring at my face. There’s a memory trying to break through. My bottom lip begins to quiver, and I squeeze my eyes shut, refusing to look at myself any longer.

I have to get out of here. I have to do something, anything. When I open my eyes, I catch sight of my wet suit lying on the floor in front of my closet. It seems so stupid now—a coffee bet to learn to surf. Were things that normal once? Was I ever that normal?

I know what I have to do, how to ground myself in this world before it slips away. I move quickly from my vanity and grab a bathing suit from my top drawer. I get dressed and then pull on my wet suit. I keep my mind blank, ignoring the knot in my stomach. After I’ve dressed, I try to sneak out without running into my parents. My dad’s keys are still on the table, and I pause at the door and look back at my house.

There’s a thought that I might never see it again, but I’m quick to push it away. I open the door and walk out, determined to fit back into my life.

I pass my usual surfing spot and head for the real beach, even though I know my chances of wiping out are tripled there. But I don’t care. If I can surf, really surf, I’ll win the bet. And if I can do that, maybe I can fix everything.

There are only a few lingering surfers when I pull up, and I drag my board across the sand. When I’m at the water, I zip up my wet suit and wait my turn. Ten minutes later, I’m paddling out, hoping I don’t drown.

The water splashes my face, cooling my skin. The harder I work my arms, the less I think. And soon I’m just lapping, muscles tense and chest tight from breathing hard. I make the turn and sit on the board, letting a few small waves pass me by. It’s quiet, so incredibly peaceful. I wish I could stay here forever. In that silence, my mind wanders to my dream, but I splash cold water on my face, trying to drive the images away.

The next wave is also small, but I have to move or my fear will come back to crush me. I glide for a bit before I take in a quick breath, and then I hop up. I get both feet on the board, but immediately I start to pitch forward. I hold out my arms for balance, and I do it. For about three seconds, I’m surfing.

I fall backward, but the minute I smack the water, it seems to envelop me, closing in around me. I struggle just as another wave comes crashing over my head, pushing me farther under. Without thinking, I open my mouth to scream for help. I choke.

I can’t even tell which direction is the surface; I’m flailing my arms, kicking my legs. The panic is overwhelming, and in this panic, I lose control of my thoughts. And the memories come rushing in.

My name is Charlotte, and I grew up in Portland, Oregon. I have the Need—a compulsion to help people. I have visions into their lives, see their problems. And I offer a way to fix them. I give hope. But every time I save someone, I lose a bit of myself. My skin, my body begins to wear away. Monroe Swift guides me, but slowly, everyone I’ve ever known, ever loved, forgets me. It’s a fate worse than death.

I’ve stopped thrashing in the water, my arms going limp as the memories suffocate me. In my mind, I see Harlin. He takes my hand and pulls me onto his Harley. I wrap my arms around him, rest my chin on his shoulder. We are going to get an apartment in the Pearl District, where he can paint and I could go to school. We are going to have a future.

And then that life is blotted out in a burst of golden light. I’m in a tunnel, and then I emerge and my name is Elise. My father is a pastor, and during his sermons Lucy and I sit in the front row. Our mother died, but our father went on. And he loved us so much.

There is an old psychic named Marceline. She told me about the Forgotten. They are meant to sacrifice their existence in exchange for spreading hope, but if they don’t—they will be trapped here for eternity. They become Shadows—the embodiments of evil who spread misery. Lucy became one so that she would be remembered. She didn’t want to give up her family. She didn’t want to give up me.

I remember. I remember everything. Charlotte, Elise, Claire—they’re all me. Three lifetimes with one soul. But I’m so tired now. I stop fighting; I still and let the current drive me forward and then back. I’m going to die.

Suddenly there’s a flurry of motion around me, and a pressure around my neck pulls me. When I break the surface of the ocean, I choke up the water I swallowed. The air burns my throat, and I reach to hold on to the arm that’s dragging me back toward the beach. The sky is so bright, I’m blinded. But I still remember. I know who—what—I am.

I’m plopped onto the hardened sand, and when Harlin falls down next to me, I realize he’s the one who saved me. My eyes adjust to the light, and he comes into focus. His hair is plastered to his face, his lips slightly blue as he shivers.

“Claire, holy shit, are you okay?” he’s saying as he helps me to sit up. “Don’t freak out, but I followed you. You marched into the water like some warrior, and just when you got on the board, you—”

I reach to put my palm on Harlin’s cheek. At my touch, he takes in a jagged breath. Our eyes lock, and he puts his hand on his chest as if his heart hurts.

“It’s you,” he says softly. “Oh, baby. It’s you.”

Everything strips away, all the pain of separation, loss, and hurt. I lower my arm and smile, my body aching for him. Harlin’s lips start to pull into that slow, sexy smile, and he shakes his head like I’m something else. “I have so much to say,” he murmurs, “but goddamn, you’re distracting.”

“We found each other,” I whisper, getting up on my knees so I can move closer to him. Harlin raises his gaze as I drape my arms over his shoulders, his fingertips digging into my hips as he draws me tighter against him.

“That’s what we do,” he says, staring at my lips like he can’t wait to kiss me. “We find each other. I love you, Claire. I always love you. I don’t know any other way to feel.”

He leans in, brushing his lips over mine in a kiss too maddeningly light to feel. His hand slides up to rest on the back of my neck as he gets to his knees, pressing against me. His lips are soft, and when his tongue grazes my lower lip, I let out a soft moan. I knot my fingers in his hair and kiss him hard, pushing him back in the sand. Harlin feels like home. He is my one constant, my one true need. And when Harlin curses, saying we have to get somewhere private before he goes crazy, we leave my surfboard floating in the ocean and ride off on his Harley.

Harlin is renting an upstairs apartment not far from the beach. He holds my hand as he leads me inside the small studio. There are drawings taped to the walls. Pictures of me in each life. Pictures of others—I’m assuming Forgotten who crossed over. Harlin is cursed to remember them when no one else ever will. He is a Seer, leading them toward their destiny, never letting them give up. But when the Forgotten are gone, they are erased from all minds but his. He carries their grief alone.

Harlin strips off his wet T-shirt and grabs my arm to pull me over. He kisses me again, passionately, urgently. “This wet suit is infuriating,” he mumbles as he glides his hands over the smooth exterior, no contact with skin.

I laugh and take a step back. Harlin grins and goes to lie on the bed, watching as I unzip the gray wet suit. Soon I’m standing there in a bikini, and when I put my knee on the bed to climb up, Harlin nods his approval.

“You drive me mad,” he says. When I’m close enough, he takes my arm to pull me on top of him, immediately kissing my neck, his hands gliding over my skin. It consumes me—his touch, his warmth.

“I am so incredibly in love with you,” I breathe out. Harlin rolls on top of me, and I dig my nails into his back, urging him on. This is just like last time—the last time we saw each other before I extinguished Onika, the Shadow trying to kill me. I needed to cross over to bring on the light that would send Onika into oblivion. And if I hope to save my sister from the evil consuming her, I’ll have to do it again. I’ll have to sacrifice myself. Back in Arizona, my Seer Marceline told me I wouldn’t have to leave again, but it wasn’t true. The universe betrayed me last time. Maybe now I need to take control of my own destiny.

I close my eyes, listening as Harlin whispers in my ear about how much he’s missed me. How he’d die without me. No one but me knows how tender Harlin really is. No one knows him like I do. I look at him again, my eyes fluttering under his touch. Maybe it’s because we’re always saying good-bye—maybe that’s why we’re always burning up for each other. But it doesn’t really matter why we love each other. It just matters that we do.

Harlin is curled up behind me, his chin on my shoulder, in the quiet of his apartment. I’m not sure how much time has passed, but I hope it hasn’t been that long. Because there will never be enough time.

“Why can’t it always be like this?” I say. “Why can’t we just be together, kissing and growing old?”

“It can,” Harlin says in his low voice. “We’ll get on the bike and leave right now. We won’t tell a soul.” He’s willing to give up the entire world just to be with me, but it’s not that easy. He knows that. I turn to him and smile sadly. “Run away with me, Charlotte.”

There’s a tug at my heart—my name, my old name, like a secret between us. Charlotte is gone, and Harlin is the only person in the world who remembers her. My eyes begin to well up at the loss and the bond it’s created between us. “Will you just hold me for another minute?” I ask weakly, sniffling as I start to cry.

Harlin doesn’t hesitate. He wraps his strong arms around me, pulling me tight against him.

Because although Harlin and I have finally found each other again, we know how this will end, how it always ends. So we cling to our stolen moments, hoping this time will be different.

Chapter 8

“So what exactly is the plan here?” Harlin asks when he drops me off at my father’s car. The traffic on the beach has picked up, and I imagine my parents are worried about me. I’ll have to go home and face them, knowing I’m not who they think I am. Knowing I haven’t always been their only daughter. But like I learned last time, the memories feel real—so to me, they’re still Mom and Dad.

“You know I love her, right?” I say to Harlin, my heart aching. “I love Lucy. I don’t know if I can send her away.”

Harlin lowers his eyes and takes my fingers in his. “I know. And to be perfectly honest, if it means losing you, I don’t want you to extinguish her either. There has to be another way. The universe has always underestimated you.”

“Do you have any ideas?” He starts to answer, but I cut him off. “Other than running away together.”

“Then no.” He’s not apologetic. Harlin is never sorry for how much he loves me. “But if Monroe was here,” he says, “I’m sure he’d tell you to think of the greater good. He was an asshole that way.”

I smile. “I had a dream about him last night. He said something eerily similar to that. The way I see it, the advantage we have right now is that Lucy doesn’t know I remember yet. She still thinks I’m just Claire. So maybe I can talk to her. She’s my sister—”

“You know she’s not your sister anymore,” Harlin says gently, even though his words are awful. “And it’s my fault too; I failed as her Seer. But Claire, she’s no longer in control of her impulses. That night at the beach, she almost drowned that girl. Told her to go in the water. Why? Because that’s what Shadows do. They wreak havoc and cause misery and pain. And whatever went down with your high-school boyfriend, you can bet that was due to her too.” Harlin’s jaw hardens when he mentions Ezra. It hadn’t occurred to me until now how difficult it must have been for him to see me with someone else. Even though I love Harlin, my feelings for Ezra were—are—real. I can’t change that.

“I’m sorry,” I say quietly. He gives me a look like I’m being an idiot.

“It’s not your fault.” He shrugs. “I didn’t even punch him in the face, because it’s not his fault either.”

I smile. “Like you’d ever hit anyone.”

Harlin steps closer, wrapping his arms around my waist. “Enough about him. All I’m saying,” he goes on, “is that talking to Lucy isn’t going to be enough. She’s manipulative. She’s psychotic. Can we make her a deal? What does she want?”

“Me,” I say. “She wants me to be a Shadow—which means I’ll be around forever, Harlin. But I’ll be evil. Obviously that’s not going to happen, but I don’t think she’ll give up either. Bringing me into the Shadows will validate her choice. She’ll have her family—a dysfunctional one, but a family nonetheless.”

Harlin watches me for a long moment. “Can you do it?” he asks. “Can you really destroy your sister?”

“I don’t know. But I’m not sure I have another choice.”

Harlin hugs me, resting his cheek on the top of my head. We sway, standing together at my father’s car. “Have you been having Needs?” he asks quietly.

“Yeah. Two of them.”

He looks down. “Already? That’s quick.”

“I’m stronger,” I say. “How about you? Have you helped any Forgotten lately?”

He shakes his head. “Nope. After Arizona, I haven’t seen any Forgotten other than you. Maybe you’re the only one left.”

“Yeah, no pressure,” I say, taking a step back. I zip up the front of my wet suit all the way and reach for the car-door handle. “I need to go home and change. Then I’ll call Lucy, see if I can get her to meet me here tonight.”

Harlin nods, glancing around like he’s scoping the place out. He probably won’t leave. He’ll want to make sure Lucy doesn’t show up early to ambush me. I lean to give him one last kiss and then get in the car. I don’t know how I’m going to lure my sister out, how I’ll fake not knowing who she is. But despite Harlin’s warning, I am going to try to talk to her. It’s the only other way.

The house is empty when I get home, which is surprising. The bakery isn’t open on Sundays. I look for a note, but don’t find anything. Now that I know Lucy is a Shadow, my concern for my family spikes. Shadows can manipulate things or even influence thoughts. All it would take is a whisper in my mother’s ear, and my family could have left town. I know what Shadows are capable of.

I get to my room and change out of the wet suit and bathing suit, opting for shorts and a soft T-shirt. I tie up my hair in a ponytail and then go into River’s room to grab one of his hoodies. When I open his door, my heart stops.

His desk chair is toppled over, papers scattered on the floor. His sheets are a tangled mess, his window wide-open. My worst fears are slowly being realized. My eyes well up as I take in the room. She was here.

A phone vibrates. I look on the dresser and see River’s cell lit up, reverberating on the wood top. Harlin was right—my sister is a psychopath. I was stupid to believe she wouldn’t know, wouldn’t feel the instant I returned. She’s a Shadow. She can read minds.

I cross the room and answer the call. “Where are they?” I ask, my voice thick.

“Don’t worry,” Lucy says immediately. “Mommy and Daddy are at the bakery. They got a huge order. Probably be there until morning, I’m guessing.”

She doesn’t go on, and I sit on the edge of the bed. “And River?” I ask.

“Don’t be mad,” she starts like she’s about to tell me she borrowed one of my shirts. “But River’s with me. I know, he’s your brother—I promise I won’t kill him.”

“He has nothing to do with this.” I’m trying to sound calm, but inside my heart is racing, adrenaline spiking at the thought of Lucy hurting him. I wonder what he’s thinking. What she’s saying to him.

“It’s the only way to assure you’ll do what I want. I’m wicked that way. So now that we have a bargaining chip, what exactly did you have in mind at the beach? I assume Harlin is there waiting, drawing pictures or something equally moody.”

“Why not come here?” I ask, scared to bring her anywhere near Harlin now. She hates him. If she’s willing to kidnap my brother, what would she do to Harlin?

“And not let you say good-bye to your one truelove? I think not, Elise.” She stops. “Or do you prefer Claire now?”

“I am Claire,” I say. “And please don’t hurt my brother, Lucy. Please don’t do that to me.”

She’s quiet long enough for me to think she actually cares. “I’ll see you in twenty minutes,” she says quietly, like I’ve injured her. “Pack a bag—we’ll leave from the beach.” And then the line goes dead.

Outside there is a crackle of thunder, and I jump. Shadows can control a lot of things, and I’m not surprised when the sky darkens and it starts to rain. Even though I’m stronger now, the light pulsing inside me at a frantic pace, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to handle Lucy. I close my eyes and try to clear my mind. I don’t want her to read my thoughts, even if I don’t have an actual plan yet. My sister wants me to give up the light, join the Shadows, where we’ll live forever. Even if I didn’t have Harlin—I wouldn’t make that choice. She can’t trick me.

But she has my brother.

My hands are shaking as I speed through the dark streets. My windshield wipers squeak against the glass as the rain lets up into a drizzle. The image of my brother hurt and bleeding is blotting out my rational thoughts. She’ll kill him if I don’t go with her. Shadows have no guilt, no remorse. I’m sure Lucy has killed before. It’s part of who she is now. The choice between the light and the Shadows has never been this difficult. I was the one at risk before—only my life in the balance. Now Lucy wants me to choose eternal damnation on earth so that my brother can live. But what she’s really done is make it so that I have no choice at all. I have to destroy her.

A tear runs down my cheek, and I rub it away as I pull into the parking lot. I have to be tougher. I have to do the right thing. I choke out a laugh, slamming the car gear into park. The right thing. I’ve sacrificed myself every time. I’ve given up everything. How much more can the universe take from me? How much longer can I last?

I leave the keys in the ignition and race down the sand. Even though it’s still midday, the storm has driven away all the surfers. The sound of the waves echoes as taps of rain dot my skin. I hadn’t looked for Harlin’s bike in the parking lot, and now I’m wondering if he went home. Will I be gone before he gets back?

Maybe I won’t get to say good-bye. Maybe that’s better for him.

I hear the crackling of fire, and my heart sinks. Lucy would have no need for fire—she’s not even alive. Harlin must have stayed. I pause and press my fist to my mouth, covering up the scream that’s waiting to escape.

Claire Becks’s life will end tonight. Oh God. The thought is so painful, so devastating. I’ll lose my mom and dad and brothers. My friends. My future. I won’t see Harlin again, not unless the universe sends me back. But if I extinguish Lucy, there wouldn’t be a reason to send me back. This is the end. But it’s too soon. I squeeze my eyes shut, the tears rolling down. I’m not sure I’ve gathered enough courage to face my sister, when I notice the faint glow.

At first I think it’s the fire, but then I open my eyes, and I realize it’s me. My skin is glowing softly—the light underneath bright enough to show through. Warmth. Warmth like a hug from a grandmother. Love like only a parent can give.

The Need—the Need is comforting me. I wrap my arms around myself, letting the light fill me with its energy, its love and bravery. My purpose has never been a selfish one. I’m not here for me. It’s never been about me. As Monroe Swift would have said, Do the right thing, sweetheart. Do it for the greater good.

I wait a beat, and the glow fades. The light is inside me, ready to burst through and extinguish the Shadows. Now I just have to figure out how to save River before I do.

Chapter 9

I round the boulder and see Harlin sitting in the sand in front of a small fire. He’s staring into it, even though I’m sure he sensed me walk up. He doesn’t lift his head when he starts talking.

“After you left, I thought about what we’d do when this is over. Where we’d go.” He glances up, and the sadness in his eyes guts me. “I thought maybe Portland. My brothers are still there. But then . . . reality came crashing down.”

My heart breaks; the idea of running off to Portland with Harlin is all I could ever want—something so simple. And impossible.

“You’re good,” Harlin says with a shrug. “You’re the embodiment of good—you could never leave a Shadow here to hurt other people. You could never just walk away.”

“Harlin—”

“I can’t lose you again,” he says, his voice cracking. “I won’t survive it. I’m not as strong as you.”

“You are,” I say, walking over to kneel in the sand next to him. I grab his arms and wrap them around me. I kiss his cheeks, his mouth. I hold his face and force him to look at me. “And you’ll get through this.” I put my hand over his heart. “I live here, Harlin. I can never really leave you.”

Without responding, Harlin leans forward to press his lips against mine. It’s a good-bye kiss, one filled with loss and pain. In the distance, we hear the sound of car doors slamming shut. We both turn in that direction, and then Harlin helps me to my feet. He sniffs hard, wiping his cheeks with the back of his hand.

“I love you,” he says quietly. “You’ll come back. I choose to believe you’ll come back.”

I lower my head, wishing I believed it too. Every second that ticks by feels like eternity, and then finally River is the first to emerge from behind the rock. He’s dazed, like he can barely recognize me. He looks like he might fall, but he reaches to steady himself on the boulder.

“His brain might be a bit scrambled,” Lucy says, walking in behind him. She’s dressed in a tight black dress, her hair slicked back. She glances over to Harlin. “Hey, Seer.”

Harlin hardens his jaw, his anger plain on his face.

“Oh, don’t be like that,” Lucy says, waving her hand at him. “At least ask how I am.”

“That’s the thing,” he says. “I’m not really in the mood for your sadistic games. Just walk away, Lucy. Then everyone survives.”

“Sweetie,” she says with a fake pout, “I think we both know that’s impossible. But hey, maybe if you weren’t such a miserable failure, we wouldn’t have ended up this way.” She flashes a smile, knowing her comment has wounded him when he lowers his gaze.

Lucy grabs River by the elbow and takes him across the fire from us. The amber glow from the flames casts shadows on her face while she whispers terrible things in my brother’s ear. River’s eyes slide in my direction, his body sagging against Lucy. For as tall as my brother is, he’s weak next to her. She’s killing him.

“River has nothing to do with this,” I say, my heart pounding with anticipation of our impending fight. “You wanted me back; well, here I am. Send him home.”

“Claire, what is going on?” River asks. He groans as Lucy holds out her fist and clenches it. My brother coughs, blood spurting between his lips.

“Stop!” I scream, and shoot forward. But Lucy holds up her other hand and I’m struck down, my insides freezing up in hard knots.

“Stay where you are, Claire,” Lucy says. “I wouldn’t want you bursting into light or anything.”

Harlin quickly helps me up, glaring at my sister like he might murder her after all. Even someone as gentle as Harlin has a breaking point, and Lucy has driven him to it. My sister flicks her fingers, and River falls to the sand, released from her grip, and my pain subsides.

Lucy looks down to where River is lying. “I kind of want to keep him,” she says conversationally. “Always wanted a brother. What do you think? He can travel with us. We’ll head back to Arizona and see Dad. We can whisper to him that you’re his daughter, even though you don’t look like Elise anymore. We can make sure he’s okay. You want to know that he’s okay, right?”

Grief tugs at my heart, and I nod. “Of course I do. But then we’ll be Shadows, unable to control our impulses. Spreading pain and misery to everyone around us. You know it can’t work.”

“I’m an optimist,” Lucy says. She purses her lips and looks toward Harlin. “What will that make you, Harlin, other than a nuisance?”

“The voice of reason,” he offers. “Because I’m telling you right now, you’re not leaving this town with Claire or her brother.”

“And what will you do to stop me?” She laughs. “You don’t have the strength to stand against me. I can make you see all manner of things—like your dead father, perhaps.”

Harlin curses, glancing away. I hate what my sister did to him last time—confronted him with the image of his father, bleeding to death in front of him. It broke Harlin’s heart. She could have killed him, but she didn’t. Why didn’t she kill him then?

“For you, of course,” she answers, turning to me as she reads my thoughts. “I know you’d hate me if I killed him.” She looks at Harlin. “But even if I do spare you,” she says, “what’s the point? You can’t be with her—you know that. Either Claire evaporates”—she makes a flutter with her fingers—“or she turns to the Shadows. Either way, she’ll be beyond you, Seer.”

“I won’t become a Shadow, Lucy,” I say. “I’m sorry, but we can’t be together. Not ever.”

From her pocket, Lucy draws out a photo, and I gasp. I don’t have to see the picture to know what it is—the two of us, arms around each other. Laughing. Happy.

“You’re wrong,” she says, flipping the picture around to face me. The hurt is immediate when I realize the picture is just her, because Elise, like Charlotte, has been erased from existence. And for a fleeting moment, I reconsider her offer. “I’ve spared your brother,” Lucy says. “I’ve spared Harlin. The Shadows are not completely devoid of compassion. And here we are, in a showdown of sorts. I’m the last Shadow—you’re the last Forgotten. If you extinguish me, you have no purpose. The light won’t send you back. You’ll be gone for good.

“What will you do, Claire?” Lucy asks. “Do you send me into oblivion, the only family you have left, and end this all? Or will you join me and live forever? It’s the only choice you have.”

I’m suddenly struck with an idea, but I’m afraid Lucy will read my thoughts. I grab Harlin’s bicep, tearing his gaze away from Lucy. He’s about to ask what I’m doing when I kiss him full on the mouth. Lucy laughs from behind us, but I know it bothers her. My relationship with Harlin is part of the reason she’s a Shadow.

I pull back slightly, my lips still close to Harlin’s. He looks confused, but he draws me to him again anyway. Distract her, I mouth.

He stares at me, probably for the last time. And then he gives me a soft peck on the lips before turning away from me and facing my sister. “She’s better than you,” Harlin says coldly. “She was stronger, and that’s why you’re a monster now and she’s not.”

Lucy’s eyes widen at Harlin’s words, and cracks start to appear in her skin. Ripping through her flesh like a cracked porcelain plate. This is her real face. “Shut up,” she tells Harlin.

“It wasn’t my fault you turned to the Shadows. You belonged there.”

My natural reaction is to protect Lucy from Harlin’s comments, but I know he doesn’t mean them. Not really. He’s distracting her, and it’s the only way to finish this. And so I bring on the Need. I bring it on until I feel my entire body heat up, as if my skin has caught fire.

“I will devour you,” Lucy growls, stepping toward Harlin. Stepping away from River. “I will tear you apart, Harlin. I will fucking kill you!”

Harlin’s eyes weaken as he watches Lucy come undone. “The light doesn’t want you anymore, Lucy,” he says, his sadness coming through. “You’re rotten. You’re deadly.”

I watch as Harlin tries to protect me, giving me the opportunity to finish what the universe started, even if he’s the one who’ll lose. But he won’t have to wait for me anymore. He’ll be free. The idea of leaving Harlin is more painful than the thought of dying—for good.

“I’ve loved you for three lifetimes,” I whisper too low for him to hear. My Harlin—from the moment we met, he belonged to me completely, body and soul. We had dreams of living in the Pearl District, of growing old together, of being happy. And now he’ll have to live that dream with someone else. Giving Harlin his life back is the most painful responsibility I’ve ever had to accept.

My skin is hot, starting to burn off from the light. Claire is slowly peeling away. I study Harlin’s features, thinking that if there was one gift the universe did give me . . . it was him. My light illuminates the side of his face, and he turns, holding up his palm to shade his eyes from the brightness.

Then it’s time. I run across the sand, reaching for my sister just as she realizes what’s about to happen. Lucy screams my name, but it’s too late. I crash against her, the Need bursting through my skin in an explosion of bright, golden light.

I’m submerged underwater in a flurry of motion, the screaming of voices. And then the world goes dark.

After

Harlin sits in a red-and-yellow-striped beach chair. His mirrored sunglasses reflect the ocean, and he lifts a bottle of water to take a slow sip. It’s quiet here today—no wind. No clouds. On days like this, I can believe it’s all over, finally. Two weeks have passed since Lucy was extinguished, and the world has gone on without her. My sister is finally at peace.

Harlin clears his throat before taking another long drink, the guilt over losing Lucy to the Shadows still haunting him. He’s never liked talking about his feelings, but he’s trying to get better at it. For now, I’m just happy he’s dealing at all. We’ve been through so much.

I touch his arm, drawing his attention. “I’m going to try one more time,” I say, nodding toward the ocean. Harlin starts to smile, trying to cover it with his palm. “Don’t laugh,” I say. “One day I’m going to surf and then you’ll owe me.”

This seems to pique his interest. “And what exactly are we betting, Claire? You better not say a latte.”

I climb to my knees and lean forward to kiss him, soft and teasing. “No,” I murmur between his lips. “It will most certainly require physical contact.”

Harlin growls his approval and pulls me closer. His tongue slides against mine, the world around us fading into white noise. My sister may be gone, but I am still right here. Harlin made sure of that.

He didn’t let me leave him that night. Instead, when Harlin saw me glowing, charging toward Lucy, he sprang. He tackled me into the water just as the light exploded, sending Lucy into oblivion.

It was chaos at first, and River rushed into the water to help pull us out. It was then that I realized my brother didn’t know me, that River had forgotten me altogether. Forgotten everything that had just happened.

I didn’t wake up for three days, and Harlin waited. Hoping. I could feel him next to me, beckoning me back from the light. When I woke up, I smiled at him and asked if I was in heaven. He told me it was better.

Harlin gives me one last kiss and then stands up. He reaches to take my hands, pulling me to my feet. There haven’t been any more Needs, no more Forgotten. They can still happen, but I don’t think they will. I’m not sure why it was different this time, but I’m not going to question it. Right now, we’re free to live our lives. At least that’s what I hope.

I slip my feet into my sandals, and Harlin and I start toward the sidewalk. My white sundress blows in the breeze. We cross the lot to Harlin’s motorcycle, and the chrome of his Harley shines in the sunlight. Harlin puts his wallet and water bottle in the side pocket before swinging his leg over the seat. He waits as I climb onto the back, putting my arms around his waist and resting my chin on his shoulder.

Harlin kicks the engine to life, and we’re ready to leave Deseo forever. But first we’ll go to Costas Bakery, where he’ll buy me a latte. We’ve been there several times, but no one remembers me. Not my parents, not my brothers. To them, I never existed. I’m a walking ghost. Once, Ezra and Soleil walked in, offering little more than a glance at me.

I have to leave my home. It hurts too much to stay.

“I love you,” Harlin says over the roar of the engine, turning his head to glance back at me. I smile, feeling a little lost, a little heartbroken. But Harlin gives me the hope to go on, to move forward.

Harlin rides out of the parking lot, and I hold on tight. He turns down the road for the bakery so I can have one last look before we head out—maybe to Portland, maybe somewhere else. We’ll start a new life.

And grow old together.

Excerpt from A Need So Beautiful

As the bells of the cathedral start to chime, I lean down to grab my backpack off the stairs. Suddenly I’m hit with heavy, bone-shaking vibrations that seem to run through my veins. They fill me up, take me over. Oh God. Not now.

“You okay?” Sarah’s voice is far away, and when I turn to her, her eyes widen. “Again?”

Before I can answer, Harlin is next to me, pulling open my backpack. “Do you have your inhaler?”

I don’t have asthma. It’s just easier to pretend that I do. How else can I explain these episodes? No one would ever believe the truth.

Harlin shakes my inhaler and holds it to my lips. My eyes meet his, and he watches as I make a good show of taking the medicine even though the inhaler’s empty.

The bells stop ringing and the humming inside me eases up, giving me time to catch my breath. My body is pulling me toward the cathedral doors, every inch of my skin aching to be inside. I don’t know why. I never do. Not until I’m there. But right now I have to get inside that church.

Harlin puts the inhaler back into my bag, his jaw tight with concern.

“Thanks,” I tell him, trying to sound calm. There are prickles of heat searing my skin. The throbbing will build slowly until I do what I’m supposed to. Resisting isn’t an option.

“You scared me.” Harlin looks away like he’s over it, but I can tell he’s still anxious. We’ve been through this before, but we both know that I’m getting worse. It’s happening more often.

The Need.

Excerpt from A Want So Wicked

I don’t recognize the face staring back at me. The girl in the reflection has blond hair and wears a plaid schoolgirl outfit, nothing like the white tank top and cutoffs I have on now. I hold up a handful of my hair, studying the deep brown waves as the reflection mimics my movement with her blond hair. I meet her eyes once again, trying not to panic. But as I watch, the girl slowly changes—her skin beginning to glisten, shine. Brighten.

I take an unsteady step back.

And suddenly my reflection explodes in golden light. When she’s gone, there is only me—long dark hair with pale blue eyes and olive skin. Images fill my head and I can see my entire life being written. The universe creates me: my childhood in a sleepy Colorado town, my father teaching me how to ride a bike. I hear my sister’s whispers late at night after our mother died when I was eight.

My name is Elise Landon. And I’m about to wake up.

I notice something in the back pocket of my shorts and reach for it. When I take it out and open my palm, I nearly choke on the heavy feeling that weighs in my chest. It’s like a longing for another place. Another time.

In my hand I hold a small guardian angel figurine set in a smooth, clear stone. It’s beautiful, a promise of love. Of forever.

For a brief second I remember everything about who and what I used to be. But most of all, I remember Harlin. And I wonder how he’ll find me if I’m someone else.

About the Author

SUZANNE YOUNG currently lives in Tempe, Arizona, where she drafts novels on restaurant napkins while eating chimichangas. After earning her degree in creative writing, Suzanne spent several years teaching middle school language arts. She is also the author of A NEED SO BEAUTIFUL. You can visit her online at www.suzanne-young.blogspot.com.

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Content

A Desire So Deadly
A Need So Beautiful - 2.5
by
Suzanne Young

After

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

After

Excerpt from A Need So Beautiful

Excerpt from A Want So Wicked

About the Author