A Little Too Much

A Little Too Far - 2

by

Lisa Desrochers

To Amanda, editor extraordinaire, for making this into the book I thought I wrote.

Acknowledgments

AS ALWAYS, MY most heartfelt gratitude goes to you, my fabulous readers, for investing yourselves in my poor, tormented characters. I can truly say that I love my job, and it’s only because of you that I can do what I do. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I dedicated this book to my brilliant editor, Amanda Bergeron, who pulled the story out of the pit of darkness it started in and made it into something you might enjoy reading. I am so honored that she decided Hilary and I were worth the effort. The day my agent sent my manuscript to Amanda was the luckiest day of my life.

And speaking of my omnipotent uber-agent, Suzie Townsend, as always, I owe everything to her tireless efforts on my behalf. She’s blown away every hope and expectation I could have had for an agent, and has become someone I consider a friend. There aren’t words to thank her adequately for everything she’s done for me.

There’s also a village that needs thanking. Everyone behind the scenes at New Leaf Literary and HarperCollins—including, but not limited to, Jo Volpe, Kathleen Ortiz, Pouya Shahbazian, Jaida Temperly, Danielle Barthel, Abigail Tyson, and Dana Trombley—has put in countless hours to get Hilary’s story out into the world, and I owe them my deepest gratitude. And the William Morrow Art Department are some of my favorite people! Thanks for the awesome covers!

To my crit partner, Kody Keplinger, smooches! Love you, girl! Thanks also to Ingrid Paulson for steering me toward some amazing NA books, and for helping to smooth over some lumps in this one.

My family is my greatest source of inspiration. Without their support, I never would be able to do what I do. If I could have hand chosen who I’m related to, I would have picked each and every one of you. Love you. And a special thanks to my nephews for their Minecraft expertise.

And, as always, because my muse is a wannabe rock star, I need to send a shout-out to the musical inspiration for this book. Hilary and Alessandro are very complex characters, and there are several songs that shaped them, but the one that most embodies Hilary is Pink’s “Just Give Me a Reason.” Alessandro evolves over the course of the first two books in this series, but his song throughout is Creed’s “My Sacrifice,” which Hilary chooses as his ringtone.

Chapter One

THE FAKE BLONDE with the fake lips and the fake double Ds is glaring at me. Hell, I’d be glaring at me too if I could. I can’t believe I screwed that up.

But I did.

I always do.

The only auditions I can get without an agent are for off-off-Broadway musicals. That’s because the only thing on my resume is American Idol, where I made it all the way to Hollywood Week three years ago. Unfortunately for me, I can’t dance . . . which is a problem unless you’re playing a paraplegic or something, so I’m basically screwed.

But that was worse than usual. Christ, I actually knocked that girl over.

In my defense, she was screwing up almost as much as I was. If she were where she belonged, I wouldn’t have run her down. But . . . shit.

I pull my gaze away from the deathbeam of Blondie’s glare and glance at the casting director, flitting around up front like she’s all that. She’s never acted a single part on Broadway, and yet here she is, my judge and jury.

Brett’s worked with her before. Says she’s pretty cool. He told me he’d talk to her—put in a good word. But he came in halfway through the audition, plunked down in the back row, and hasn’t budged since. I really only noticed his arrival because of the burst of pheromones up front and the estrogen shuffle that followed. All of a sudden, all the girls onstage were adjusting their cleavages and fluffing their hair. But I never saw him even look our direction. And he never went up front.

I look up at him now and force myself to breathe. He’s texting, looks like, and clearly has no intention of saying anything to anybody.

A flicker of annoyance starts in my gut, but it’s snuffed out cold by nerves when Casting Director Chick approaches the stage. She looks up at us and claps her hands twice to get our attention.

“Okay . . .” she says loudly, then pulls her iPad out from under her arm and glances at it. “Numbers one, two . . . seven, ten, twelve . . . fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, twenty, and twenty-one: I need you to sit tight. We’ll do the number again in five. The rest of you, thank you for auditioning. You’re free to go.”

Damn.

Most Idol rejects record indies, or try for record contracts, but since I was six and my grandpa took me to see Annie on Broadway right before he died, my dream has always been to act onstage. But everything is so political, and the competition is tough, so this is pretty much how the last three years have gone. Thanks, but no thanks.

My muscles are bunched so tight that when I look down to double check the number pinned to my sleeve, I feel something in my neck pull.

Thirteen.

That should have been my first clue that things weren’t going to go well. Lucky number seven made it. Unlucky thirteen, not so much.

“That blows, Hilary.”

Jessica’s sympathetic voice snaps me out of my one person pity party and I try to smile at her. She’s miles of legs topped by big brown doe eyes, which are looking at me like my puppy just became roadkill. Her long honey-brown hair is pulled off her face in a high ponytail, and her fair skin is perfectly flushed without a stitch of makeup, making her look very I-have-no-clue-how-hot-I-am.

“It was just bad karma. Number thirteen,” she says with a poke to my shoulder. “I think everyone should take their cue from hotels and just skip it.”

“What?”

She plants one slender white hand on her hip and flips the other one palm up in a presenting-the-obvious gesture. “You know, how there’s never a thirteenth floor in hotels?”

“I never noticed.” Mostly because I’ve never stayed in one with more than two floors and a broken ice maker.

“So, we’re still going out for my birthday next week?”

This brightens my mood a little. As adorable as she is, Jess knows how to have a good time, and that is so what I need right now. “Definitely. A week from Thursday, right?”

She nods. “We should try that new place on the Lower East Side . . . Club Sixty-nine, I think?”

“Sounds good.”

She bounces on her toes a little and her ponytail swings behind her. “It’s going to be epic!”

“Break a leg, Jess,” I tell her with a punch to the shoulder—right at her lucky number seven. If I’d said this to anyone else, I’d have meant it literally. There’s nowhere on this planet more cutthroat than Broadway. But Jessica is a really sweet kid. At nineteen and pretty fresh off the bus from Biloxi, she hasn’t let this place ruin her yet. She’s a walking contradiction: an adorably gay Southern bell who believes in karma.

I try to remember what I was like three years ago, at that same age. I wasn’t as jaded as I am now, but I was never as innocent and naive as Jess is. This world doled me my first swift kick three days before my fourteenth birthday, when my dear mother got her drunken ass thrown in jail, leaving me to fend for myself.

And that was only the beginning.

“Thanks,” she says with an unsure smile, like she wants to jump up and down in her excitement, but she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings.

I give her a quick hug. “We’ll talk later, okay?”

She bobs a nod. “I’ll call you.”

As she makes her way to the callback group, I glance at Blondie—number three. Actual flames are shooting out of her eyeballs in my direction. I head for the stage stairs before she blowtorches me through sheer force of will.

Exit stage left: the story of my life.

I grab my backpack from the mound at the bottom of the stairs and hike it onto my shoulder, then head toward Brett, at the end of the back row of seats. He’s in black warm-up pants and an unzipped gray hoodie over a wifebeater, slouching down with his feet on the seatback in front of him. He’s still sweaty from rehearsal, which is his best look. When I reach him, he’s laughing a low chuckle at whatever’s on his iPhone screen. He grins, then his thumbs start moving furiously over the screen as he texts whoever back.

“Did you talk to her?”

My voice slices into his awareness and he looks up with those deep, ocean-blue eyes, surprised. He gives me a sympathetic squint. “Sorry, babe. But for what it’s worth, I don’t really think it would have made any difference.”

He did not seriously just say that.

“Fuck you very much, Brett.” But as I spin and start hoofing it toward the side door, I see some of the other girls eye me, then Brett, and feel the sudden urge to go back and lay claim to my property.

Yes, he’s gorgeous, and yes, everybody wants him. He’s basically six feet of blond beach god in the middle of Manhattan, complete with perfect teeth and dimples. Sex on a stick. I always joked that if they ever cast any of those animated Barbie movies on Broadway, Brett would get the Ken role every time.

But he got something better.

The name Brett Collins might not mean anything to you, but to aspiring Broadway actresses, it does. He scored a major support role in the new show Calculus, My Cock, and Other Hard Things, which opens at the Brooks Atkinson Theatre in two weeks, then goes on the road for a nationwide tour. It’s about five college guys and all that self-discovery crap. Brett has a killer bod, so his partial nude catches a lot of attention. Preview performances started this week and the reviews are unexpectedly good. And they all mention Brett specifically.

But even he admits he’s not nearly as good an actor as I am.

For about a year after American Idol, I had an agent. With my look, which is unique, I guess she thought my fifteen minutes of Idol fame would score me a big role in no time. When it didn’t happen, she stopped calling me for auditions, then dropped me. I’ve got a couple of leads for new agents, but until I get one, I need someone on the inside to get me auditions. Brett’s my ticket onto Broadway, and if any of those cutthroat bitches lays a hand on him, I swear to God, I’ll take it off at the wrist.

I spin and glare at him. As he hauls himself out of the seat, he gives me that goddamn sexy half-smile that he knows makes me want to jump his bones. That’s pretty much how we end all our fights—in a sweaty, grunting, tangled mass of arms and legs.

But not this time.

He promised he’d say something to Casting Chick.

But then he catches up to me and I feel a tingle zing up my spine when he lays a hand on my hip. “I really am sorry,” he says low in my ear in that voice—just a little rough around the edges—and the tingle in my spine turns into a throb in my groin.

Damn him.

I spin and glare at him, so wanting to be pissed, but he glides his fingertips along the curve of my breast and melts me from the inside out.

He leans closer and his lips brush my ear as he says, “You’ll get the next one.”

When his lips press into mine, I forget to breathe. That’s what he does to me. That’s what just looking at him does to most women. Since the first time he touched me at an off-Broadway audition a year ago, there’s been no denying the attraction.

But I have no illusion this is love. He doesn’t love me and I don’t love him. We never do anything together outside the bedroom, and we don’t really even have any friends in common. We’re all about the physical, which works for me. I don’t do love.

He finally lets me go, and when I look up, a group of my fellow rejectees, including Blondie, are standing near the door, staring at us with gaping jaws.

I tug my jacket on and smile sweetly at them while glaring daggers, but despite my “back off” vibe, Blondie takes a step closer.

“Hey, Brett,” she says, brushing her fingers over his arm and thrusting her silicone in his face. “Long time no see. Congrats on your part.”

He gives her that same sexy smile he just gave me. “Thanks. You looked great up there,” he adds with a nod at the stage.

I grab his hand, towing him toward the door.

“See ya around,” he calls back to her as we hit the sidewalk.

I pull my jacket tight around me. A cold October drizzle is falling, but at least it’s not snowing yet, so that’s something. “You know her?”

He shrugs. “We hooked up a few times.”

I glare at him.

He smiles and loops an elbow around my neck, pulling me closer. “Way before you, babe. Don’t worry,” he says into my hair as we weave our way through the pedestrian horde jockeying for sidewalk space.

“I’m not worried. I’m disgusted. She’s skanky.” Truth is, I’m used to girls falling all over Brett, but he’s been good in the year we’ve been together and kept his hands off, so I can’t really give him too much crap.

New Yorkers have seen it all, so not much warrants the turn of a native’s head, but Brett and I always get a few head turns, and the occasional tourist will openly gawk. Brett is gorgeous and I’m . . . interesting.

Where my sister Mallory got all Mom’s Irish—the wavy red hair, fair skin, and freckles, I’ve got funny hazelly-green eyes and a shoulder-length black lion’s mane in loose kinks, with red highlights that really come out in the summer. My skin is coffee-with-too-much-cream, and if I spend any time in the sun, it turns almost as black as my dad’s, totally obliterating the faint smattering of freckles across my nose and cheeks.

Mom was only ever married to Mallory’s dad, and I guess that only lasted a few years, until Mallory was, like, three. After that was just a string of live-in boyfriends, one of whom was my dad. He was out of the picture before I was old enough to remember him, though. When I was little and I asked Mom why Mallory’s dad came and took her places and mine didn’t, she said that my dad went back to Jamaica when I was a baby. I used to wonder if it was because of me, but I’ve figured out since that he wasn’t what you’d call an upstanding citizen. I think he got deported after he got arrested for dealing drugs. I’ve only seen photos of him—enough to know I’m a funny combination of him and Mom.

By the time we get off the subway and walk to our apartment, I’m late for Mallory’s. Our apartment is on the fourth floor in a decent Upper West Side neighborhood. It’s small, one bedroom, a bathroom, and a great room—just a white box, basically.

When I moved in here almost a year ago, it was a total bachelor pad. I’m no neatnik, so it’s only slightly less messy now than it was before, but unlike Brett, I have a breaking point. When I can’t stand it anymore I’ll do the dishes or scrub the bathroom. I’ve added a few touches of my own, too. I’m not into frilly knickknacks or anything, but I put up some prints and tossed some red throw pillows on Brett’s brown leather couch. And I bought some stuff for the kitchen even though I don’t get much of a chance to cook. It’s not much, but it anchors me to this place. I own something. I exist in this space. I belong here.

I head to the bathroom and crank on the shower. I strip off my yoga pants and thong and pull the clip out of my hair, running a hand through it so it falls around my shoulders.

My eyes trace over the first orange and black butterfly tattooed at the front of my right hip. I turn and follow in the mirror up the twisting, brightly-colored line of tiny fluttering wings that arches over my right butt cheek, across my low back, and underneath my left shoulder blade, then skims the back of my shoulder on its way to looping over the top and ending at my left collarbone. No single butterfly has a wingspan larger than half an inch, and most are smaller, but there are two hundred and nine of them, one for each day I spent in the group home. They took two years to finish, and the money I spent on them really should have gone to dance lessons, but they remind me of my freedom . . . and never to let myself get trapped again.

I step into the warm water, feeling its fingers tickling over my skin. I’m just rinsing my conditioner a few minutes later when the shower curtain slides open and Brett steps in. He cups my backside in his hands. “Hilary McIntyre, this is one fine ass.”

I turn and glance at his growing erection. “Sorry, baby, but I’m late for my sister’s.”

He lays a hand on himself and strokes, a wicked grin curving his mouth. “I’ve got a few ideas on how to make you even later.”

“I’ve gotta go. It’s Jeff’s birthday dinner.”

He shrugs and lets himself go, but that smile is still there. “Later then.”

I know better than to invite Brett to Mallory’s. He would probably go, but he wouldn’t want to be there. He hates kids. And the truth is, I don’t want him there anyway. I like to keep the three Fs compartmentalized. Family=Mallory, Friend=Jessica, Fuck=Brett. No cross-pollination. It’s just easier that way.

I finish up in the shower and abandon him to the cold water. Wrapping a towel around my hips without bothering to dry off, I pad up the hall to our room, where I pillage the closet and come out with a short, layered skirt and a snug black sweater. This outfit is kick-ass with my new boots. I drop my towel on the bed and go to the mirror over the dresser. I squirt some Frizz-Ease into my palm and tame my kinks into soft curls, then twist them around my fingers so they come out tight corkscrews. I’m leaning against the dresser brushing on my mascara a few minutes later when Brett comes in, a towel slung low on his hips.

His fingers trail up the inside of my thigh. “You sure you’re not up for a quickie?”

No, I’m not sure at all. But if I miss Jeff’s dinner, I’ll never hear the end of it. “I’m already late.” I reach for him and squeeze. “But hold that thought.”

Chapter Two

THERE IS NOTHING quite as effective at throwing all my inadequacies in my face as a trip to my sister’s. She’s the picture of middle-class America: a husband, two point four kids, a white picket fence, and a dog. (Okay, there’s no actual picket fence, or point four of a kid, but there may as well be.) She’s everything I’m not and never could be, even if I wanted to. Which I don’t.

Don’t get me wrong. I owe everything to Mallory and Jeff. They’re the only family I have. But it’s still hard to be around them sometimes, even though I really don’t want that life. I’m not cut out for marriage, or motherhood, or a mortgage, or any kind of commitment at all, for that matter.

And I’m not jealous.

I’m really not.

But, still . . .

I celebrated my fourteenth birthday by getting shipped off to a group home after our mother decided to pull her little stunt and got herself thrown in jail. The law doesn’t look kindly on driving with a 2.1 blood alcohol level and running down an innocent man in the process. But the truth is, everyone had already abandoned me years earlier. By the time Mallory left for college when I was ten, Mom was too wrapped up in the bottle and her boyfriends (even the ones that hit her) to give much of a shit about anything else, so I was just baggage. We never heard from Mallory. I was alone. I started doing things like ripping out hunks of hair or biting my nails until they bled, because physical pain was something I could grasp. It meant I existed. And it was easier to deal with than the loneliness.

After Mom went to jail, the court wouldn’t let Mallory have custody of me until she was twenty-one and employed, even though she wanted me, so I had seven months in the system. That was all I needed to see why kids who come out of foster care nearly always go bad. Mallory was finishing college in Florida, so she wasn’t around until I went to rehab, then she was trying to find a job so they’d let her have me. It was a long seven months.

When I finally came to live with her I was pretty messed up. It couldn’t have been easy to take me in. And on top of it, she and Jeff had only been dating, like, eight months. Me and all my baggage would have been enough to send most guys running for the hills, but Jeff treated me like a princess—like part of the family. Anything I wanted, he got it for me. He got me caught up so I could go back to school for my sophomore year. He’s always felt like the father I never had.

He and Mallory got married four months after I moved in, eighteen days before Henri was born. From there, it was all late-night feedings and burpings and the inevitable spit-up, doctor’s appointments, and poopy diapers. Tons of poopy diapers. But Jeff didn’t shy away from any of it. He was in poop and puke up to his elbows and never once complained.

And he and Mallory are still totally in love. Like I said: the picture of America.

I take the PATH to Jersey City, but my bus connection is delayed, so I’m even later than I’d thought. When I finally step up to their door and ring the bell, their big golden lab, Rufus, starts barking in the backyard. A second later, the door is flung open and I’m looking down at a four-and-a-half-foot person with a mop of sable hair and big gray eyes. Henri.

“Hey, buddy! How’s it going?” I say, ruffling his shaggy hair.

“Auntie! Come see what I made for Dad!” He takes my hand in his sweaty little one and tows me through the door, then waits while I kick off my shoes.

“Hey, Hil! I’m in the kitchen,” Mallory calls when we reach the family room.

“You need help?” I yell back as Henri drags me across the room toward his little brother, who is sprawled on the carpet, propped on his elbows, poking away at a laptop in front of him.

“See!” Henri exclaims, kneeling next to a Lego pirate ship on the coffee table in front of the worn green couch. There’s a big red bow attached to the mainmast.

“Wow, buddy. That’s really amazing. He’s going to love it.” And I’m not just saying that. Jeff and Henri are both Lego geeks. Before the night is through, they’ll have taken this apart and rebuilt it together. I ruffle his hair again and cross to his little brother. I fold my legs and drop onto the carpet next to him cross-legged. “Hey, Max. What ya doing?”

“Shhh!” Max hisses without looking away from the screen.

“Minecraft,” Henri says, coming up behind me and hugging my shoulders.

Max is madly poking at keys and staring at the screen as if we aren’t even here. He’s always been the serious kid. Though he looks like his dad, he’s just like his mom—totally focused and self-sufficient. Six going on sixty, Mallory likes to joke. That kid was dressing himself at eleven months and he potty trained himself by two. If you try to cuddle him, he’ll struggle out of your arms, and if you don’t let go, he’ll hit you. They say he’s high-spectrum autistic, but I don’t put much stock in labels.

God knows I’ve got a few that are bullshit.

Henri, on the other hand, has always been the cuddlebug. He’s just about the happiest kid I’ve ever seen, and even at seven, he loves to snuggle. Mallory calls him her “big ball of love.” When he was little and I still lived here, he used to crawl into my lap and cuddle against my shoulder, wrapping a strand of my kinky hair around his hand and sucking it with his thumb. The feeling of his little body burrowed into me tugged at my heart in a way nothing else ever could.

But I’m not cut out for kids. There are some people that were just never meant to be parents. The biggest favor they can do the world is to recognize it before it’s too late. So kudos for me.

Mallory comes to the door and props herself in the door frame between the family room and the kitchen. “I think I have things mostly under control, but if you and the boys could do the streamers in the dining room, that would really help. Jeff should be here in about fifteen, and I haven’t had a chance to do it yet.”

She doesn’t say, “You promised you’d help. Where were you?” but it’s in the twist to her mouth and the crinkled edges of her gaze.

“I got hung up at an audition and then the bus was running late,” I tell her, answering the question she didn’t really ask.

She spins back to the kitchen. “How did it go?”

“Shi—” I catch myself, but Henri giggles anyway. That kid doesn’t miss much. He’s always been one of the most observant people I know. I think he’s at the age where kids start thinking cussing is funny. I give him a look and press my finger to my lips to shush him before Mallory gives me shit. “Pretty bad.”

“Bummer,” she calls from deeper in the kitchen.

Tell me about it.

I stand and grab Henri’s hand, tugging him up. “Let’s go decorate for your dad.”

He grins at me and charges into the dining room.

Mallory is a neat freak and the place is always spotless, despite the havoc of two young boys. I liked living here. It was a good place to heal. But a year after graduating high school, I moved to the city. Mallory was pretty upset that I didn’t apply to college, but even that felt like too much of a commitment. And by that time I’d decided to chase my dream of stage acting for a living anyway. Idol auditions were coming up and I was sure I’d turn my success there into a Broadway career.

Three and a half years later, I’m still tending bar.

“Do you want to help, Max?” I ask, stooping next to him.

“In a minute.” He still doesn’t look up from his game.

He shakes my hand off when I ruffle his strawberry-blond waves, so I stand and follow Henri into the dining room. When I get there I find he already has the streamers open and has unwound most of the roll, which is lying in a mound at his feet. I look around the room at the antique dining-room set and chandelier. “So how do you want to do this?”

A grin lights up his whole little face. “I want to decorate Dad.”

I laugh. “That would be interesting.”

He picks up the pile of streamers. “I’m going to tie him to his chair with these.”

“Maybe you should ask your mom about that.” I think it sounds fun, but I’m pretty sure that’s not what Mallory had in mind.

“Mom!” Henri wails, running toward the kitchen just as Rufus starts barking again. A second later, the front door swings open and Jeff steps through. Henri abruptly changes course and launches into him. “Dad!”

Jeff slips off his shoes then stoops down to hug him. “Hey, champ. How’s tricks?”

Henri climbs on his dad’s back as Jeff stands. “I’m going to tie you to your chair!”

“Really . . . ?” Jeff says with a grin. He gives me a wave as he piggybacks his son past me into the kitchen. “Hey, Hilary.”

“Happy birthday,” I tell him.

There’s a tug on my jeans and when I look down, Max has finally pulled himself away from the computer. I take his hand and we follow Jeff and Henri.

“Happy birthday, Daddy,” Max says quietly as we catch up to them in the kitchen.

Jeff has set Henri on the counter, where he’s happily swinging his legs and banging his heels into the cabinet below. He stoops down and waits for his youngest son to come to him. Max slowly makes his way the few steps between him and his dad, and Jeff folds him into his arms, hugging him tightly. But a second later, Max is backing out of his grasp and Jeff lets him go. It’s like Jeff craves his son, but knows Max can only handle so much. He’s willing to play by Max’s rules, greedily taking whatever affection Max will offer, but never pushing for more.

I wish I had a dad like Jeff.

I look at them together. Jeff is on the short side with a stocky build. His eyes are dark brown and his face is strong. Max is his spitting image except for his strawberry-blond waves. Jeff’s hair is sandy brown and bone straight.

“Happy birthday, Mr. LaForte,” Mallory says, stirring something simmering in a cast-iron skillet and smiling down at them.

“Why, thank you, Mrs. LaForte,” Jeff says with a grin. He stands and moves to Mallory at the stove, planting a kiss on her lips so tenderly that I have to look away. It feels too personal. “So what’s this about tying me to my chair?” he asks her as their lips part.

Mallory shoots me a look.

“I’m going to tie Daddy up!” Henri announces, banging both heels hard into the cabinet to punctuate his point.

Jeff’s gaze shifts to him, then back to me.

“With the streamers,” I clarify. “He wants to decorate you.”

Mallory rolls her eyes and turns back to the stove, stirring the pot. “You’re early,” she tells Jeff. “Dinner won’t be ready for another fifteen minutes.”

Jeff tugs at the collar of his button-down shirt. “Good. Then I have time to change.” He swings Henri off the counter on his way past, and his oldest follows him to the bedroom as Max goes back to the computer.

I lean into the counter. “So if you’re okay with the whole bondage thing, I guess I don’t need to put up any streamers.”

Mallory shoots a look over her shoulder. “Then make yourself useful and fill that pot with water and put it on to boil,” she says, tipping her head at a pot on the back burner.

I take it to the sink and start the water.

“What’s Brett doing tonight? Thought we might see him.”

“Rehearsal,” I lie. I’ve explained our deal to her over and over, but she doesn’t like it. She keeps thinking we’re going to fall madly in love, move into a house in Jersey with a picket fence, and have two point four kids and a dog, just like she did.

It’s not gonna happen.

I put the pot on and crank the burner just as Jeff comes back in wearing a green Heineken T-shirt and baggy black sweats.

“Is that any way to dress for your birthday dinner?” Mallory asks, waving a hand at him, exasperated.

He steps up behind her and pulls her into the curve of his body. “Are you saying you’d prefer me in my birthday suit?” he mutters in her ear.

She blushes and glances at me as if I’m still fourteen. “Jeff,” she says, slapping his wandering hand off her ass.

But she’s smiling.

I have the definite feeling that Mallory and Jeff still have a lot of sex. I remember hearing them when I was a teenager—the creak of bedsprings and their muffled moans.

I’d had sex before and it sounded nothing like that. I’d never moaned anyone’s name or said, “oh, God,” and I’d never giggled. So one night when they were doing it, I snuck down the hall to their door and pushed it open a crack. Henri was a baby, probably three months old or so, and he was asleep in a basket at Mallory’s side of the bed. The sheets were pooled on the floor on Jeff’s side and he and Mallory were naked on the mattress. Jeff was moving so slowly between Mallory’s legs that it looked like a dance. She was making these soft moaning sounds deep in her chest, and one at a time, she wrapped her legs around him, crossing them at the ankles and pulling him closer.

Jeff moaned as he sank himself into her and whispered, “I love you so much, baby.”

And a minute later, when I heard Mallory sniffle and saw Jeff reach up and wipe her cheek with his fingertips, I realized she was crying. But Jeff couldn’t be hurting her. He was being so gentle.

I backed away from the door and went back to my room thinking there must be something wrong with me, because that’s not what sex looked like when I did it.

Now I know there is.

Jeff grins and lets Mallory go. “I’ll pour the wine. You want a Coke or something, Hilary?” he asks, turning to me, and suddenly I feel like I’ve been caught watching, the voyeur I was all those years ago.

“Um . . . sure. Coke.” I’m twenty-two, but they won’t offer me wine . . . which is sort of ridiculous considering I work at a bar. We’ve never talked about it, but I think it’s because of rehab. Mallory’s afraid I’ll “slip.” I don’t tell them I was never an addict . . . that it was all just a big screwup. Because then I’d have to tell them the truth, and that’s much worse.

I STAY TO help put Henri and Max to bed, then head back to the city. There’s a sad-looking guy with long, stringy, gray hair sitting cross-legged at the base of the stairs as I make my way out of the subway. He’s playing his sax—a sad, slow song that I don’t recognize.

It’s beautiful.

I just stand here listening for a really long time, the music wrapping around me like a warm blanket, sending shivers down my spine.

He’s so good it scares me a little. I mean, why are there some guys sitting in pits on Broadway, or onstage at Lincoln Center with the Philharmonic, and this guy, who’s so damn good that just listening to him makes me want to cry, is sitting here with a beat-up sax on the cold cement floor of the subway?

What if I’m not good enough? What if I’ll never be good enough?

I root through my bag for a five and toss it in the open case with the filthy, torn red velvet lining, then slide down the yellow tiled wall to sit next to him. He doesn’t look up. He just keeps playing. I wrap my jacket tightly around myself and close my eyes. Like my butterflies, the music is free. I picture all the notes fluttering in the air like wings, then floating away on the breeze.

But that only makes me sadder.

Finally, after five or six songs, I drag myself off the ground, sift through the bottom of my bag, and come out with my last three crumpled dollars. I toss them in the case, then head up the stairs into the cold drizzle.

I stop at the bar for my paycheck on the way home. When I open the door, a wave of warm, humid air, full of the smell of stale beer and moldy things, hits me in the face. I applied for this job two and a half years ago, while I was basking in my fifteen minutes of American Idol fame. That and my rockin’ bod are the only reasons I got the job. I’d never bartended in my life, but Jerry looked me over and decided I had “potential.” He handed me a fistful of tiny white T-shirts with the bar logo—a curly Filthy McDermott’s across the chest—and asked if I had any ass shorts. Said if he gives the guys something to look at they stay longer and drink more. He also told me not to wear a bra, at which point I told him to go fuck himself. As much grabbing as goes on in this place, you better believe I’m keeping the girls strapped in.

Jerry keeps the place dimly lit, just in case the occasional cockroach makes its appearance. Between that, the dark wood paneling, the mahogany behemoth of a bar in the back of the room, and the perpetual scent of sweat and rotting things, the place has a distinct caveman appeal.

There are a few regulars swaying on their barstools at the end of the bar, and a group of loud college kids playing quarters in a booth near the back. Not bad for a Thursday night. The stereo is on Jerry’s favorite eighties rock station, but the TV over the bar is also blaring some ESPN sports recap show, so between that and the yelling kids, it all just blends into a lot of white noise.

“Hilary! Baby!” Jerry bellows when the bells over the door jingle. It makes me feel like that Norm guy on that old Cheers show. “How’s it hanging?” Despite the fact that he clearly knows I’m a girl, he always asks that.

“Low, Jerry. It’s hanging really fucking low.” As I move deeper into the room I catch the distinct smell of burnt cheese and know Jerry must have forgotten a batch of nachos under the broiler again.

“Sorry to hear that, sweet pea. You here to drink your sorrows away?” He’s always trying to get me to put my paycheck back into the till.

I lean up against the bar. “Nah. It’s the fifteenth. Just stopped in for my check.”

Half his face pinches, like he’s only half sorry for what he’s about to say. “I ain’t quite got it ready for you. Hang around and have a drink and I’ll get it.”

“On the house?” I ask, already knowing the answer.

He blows a laugh out his mouth, spraying down the bar with enough spit that he has to wipe it with the dirty rag in his hand. And that’s all the answer I get.

Jerry has never touched me, but given the opportunity, I have no doubt he would. Overall, he’s a pretty decent guy, but I think he must be kind of fuzzy on sexual harassment law. Pretty much any night he’s here after shift, he throws out the loose suggestion that we could “catch a drink” or “try out some new rum recipes.” I think he’s still harboring the illusion that getting me drunk is the key to getting into my pants–a strategy that generally works fairly well for him when he’s not using it on me.

He’s got to be forty-something, but even so, he’s not hard on the eyes—a dark buzz cut, strong, square face, and incredible blue eyes. He’s ex-military and still takes decent care of himself. Despite the staggering volume of beer he consumes (all on the house, of course), he doesn’t have a beer gut yet. He catches his share of the clientele and he’s got a few regulars who come here to flirt with him. What he doesn’t seem to have figured out yet is, I’m not going to be one of them.

I walk around the bar and pour myself a glass of water, then plunk down on a bar stool. “I’ll wait.”

He gives me a cocky, sideways grin and disappears into the office in back. “Hold down the fort.”

“Hilary!” one of the guys down the bar shouts with a wide grin, like we’re old friends. He’s probably sixty, with graying hair and a bad comb-over. Every Tuesday and Friday night since I’ve worked here he’s come in—something about his wife having book club or Bunco or something on those nights—but I can never remember if his name is Bob or Bill. “Can I get another?” he asks, lifting his empty mug.

I’m off the clock, so I have no intention of holding down anything. I jerk my head at the tap. “Help yourself.”

He grins wider and slides his fat ass off the stool. “This going on my tab?” he mutters as he waddles past me.

“Not if you haul your sorry ass,” I say with a deliberate glance at the office door.

He hurries around the bar and pours his beer, then pats my butt and winks on the way back to his seat. “I knew I liked you.”

He grins at me again a few minutes later when Jerry comes back, waving a check in my face. “I counted your last shift as full even though you clocked out fifteen minutes early.”

I snag the check out of his hand and stuff it in my bag. “Thanks, Jerry. I owe you.”

He wiggles his eyebrows and grins. “And don’t forget it.”

I roll my eyes and slip off the bar stool. “See you tomorrow.”

“You’re closing, don’t forget.”

“I’m closing,” I reassure him. “See you at five.”

I stop at the ATM and deposit my check, then head home. The drizzle has picked up and by the time I get there, I’m pretty soaked, but I don’t really mind. I like walking in the rain. It’s one of the few things that I find really calming. Puddles are starting to form on the sidewalk and I walk right through them, splashing up as much water as I can without full-out stomping like a four-year-old. I’m actually smiling when I get to the door of our apartment and look up.

And then I’m not smiling anymore.

There’s a guy standing in my doorway. A tall guy in black cargo pants, army boots, and a dark blue hoodie. A gorgeous guy. And he’s staring at me with wide eyes.

“Hilary?” he asks, and he’s got a light accent that I can’t identify with just that one word. Something European, maybe?

“It depends,” I say backing off a step. He looks familiar, but he also looks a little dangerous. He’s tense, his hands twitching at his sides, and there’s something dark in his intense gaze.

I feel like I should know him, but I can’t place him. He’s got shortish wavy black hair that’s combed back from his forehead, and dark eyes set in one of the most beautiful man-faces I’ve ever seen. His skin is olive, no darker than mine, but a totally different shade. He’s got to be an actor or something. Maybe I know him from an audition? “Who’s asking?”

“It’s me, Hilary. Alessandro.”

His face blurs and the streetlights above my head spin. I feel myself wobble on my feet before I brace my hand on the building and get my bearings again. “Alessandro?” I’ve only known one person with that name.

His face scrunches a little. “Alessandro Moretti . . . from the group home?”

The next thing I know I’m on my ass in a puddle, my legs having turned to Jell-O, and Alessandro has my arm. It’s like the last eight years vanish. We’re in the rec room and an invisible fist is crushing my heart.

We’re leaving.

It takes me a second to find my breath and I look up at his pinched face. “What are you doing here?”

He helps me off the sidewalk but stops short of brushing off my ass. “I . . .” He shakes his head. “I just found your address. I only meant to see how you were.”

My stomach plummets to my toes and I think for a second that I should have stayed down. Does he know? How could he have found out?

I lean back against the wall for support. “Where’s Lorenzo?” All of a sudden I’m desperate to know if he’s coming for me too.

His lips press into a hard line and his charcoal eyes darken. He closes them and hauls a deep breath before opening them again. “Lorenzo has been dead for two years.”

Chapter Three

LORENZO IS DEAD. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

I’ve spent so long trying to forget the Moretti brothers ever existed. I never thought I’d see them again. But Alessandro is here. He steadies me with a hand on my arm and I’m not sure if I want him to be a figment of my imagination or not.

I was only fourteen the last time I saw Alessandro and his older brother. It was only three months that we were together at the group home, but those three months have haunted me ever since. There are things I don’t remember . . . things I’ve blocked out. But there are other things that are etched in my memory as if it were stone. Things that, no matter how hard I try, I’ll never forget.

Lorenzo was my first, and I’m pretty sure I was Alessandro’s. Now, looking back, I see it for what it was. Lorenzo was bored and I was something to do. But at the time, my life was an emotional void. Everyone who was supposed to love me had abandoned me. I’d stuffed the pain down where I couldn’t feel it, but without that pain, there was nothing. I was totally numb. I was so desperate to feel something . . . anything . . . that, without even realizing I was doing it, I offered myself up to him on a silver platter.

Lorenzo seemed so alive to me—so far from the numbness I felt. Watching him was like watching a comet streaking across the black emptiness of the night sky: so big and bright, but belonging to an entirely different universe. He was always in trouble with our counselor, but he wouldn’t back down. She’d yell and he’d get right in her face. Then one day he hit her. I saw it. I watched his fist swing out and connect with her jaw. I saw the blood and spit splatter from her mouth in an arc that left a stain on the carpet. I saw the look on her face . . . in her eyes. All of a sudden, she was totally alive.

I wanted to be alive too.

I would say things to piss him off, at first so he’d notice I existed, but then later to see if I could get a rise out of him. I think I wanted him to hit me too.

Instead, he did something else to me.

With Lorenzo, it wasn’t sweet or tender. There was no small talk. No foreplay. And when it was over, he was done with me.

I was alone again, so I went to Alessandro.

He was so different from his brother. He wanted to talk—about my parents and his family . . . the world and our place in it. But that’s not what I needed from him. I didn’t give a shit about the meaning of life; I just needed to feel alive. So I told him about Lorenzo—what we’d done—then I unzipped his jeans. He told me no at first, but I was persistent.

When he finally gave in, it wasn’t what I expected.

All I knew was Lorenzo. He was so sure of himself, taking what he needed and not really giving a shit about me or anyone else. He wasn’t gentle and it hurt, but physical pain was something I could grasp on to.

Alessandro, on the other hand, was scared and soft and fumbling. He was painfully gentle, and when it was over, he held me and asked if I was okay.

I didn’t understand the question.

It wasn’t until later, when he made me feel things I’d never felt before, that I realized sex to Alessandro was more than just physical. He opened me up and saw my black, broken soul, and it didn’t scare him away. He made me believe everything was going to be okay. He helped me understand love.

Then a month later, he left. Just like everyone else.

But now, here he is.

“It’s really late,” I say, trying to sort out what to do. There are things I need to know, but . . . I need to figure some things out first. I’m not ready to do this now. “Are you in the city for a while? Can we maybe meet tomorrow?”

He nods. “I’m sorry, Hilary. I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

Well, you do. “Argo Tea at Columbus Circle? Eleven? They’ve got coffee too, in case . . .”

“Argo Tea,” he says with a nod, saving me from myself.

I back a few steps toward my door. “Okay . . . so . . . I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He levels me in his dark gaze and backs off a step. Something in those probing eyes sends a shiver through me and I look away, afraid he’ll see too much. I twist my key and slip through the door without looking back, then pummel the elevator call button with the side of my fist, willing it to get here before my legs give out again. When it finally shows up, I step in and punch four, then lean against the wall in the back corner and slide down it to the floor. I hug my knees to my chest and rest my aching forehead on them. When the doors clank open on my floor, I don’t move. They glide shut again after a minute and I still don’t move.

Lorenzo is dead and Alessandro is here. So much has happened to me since those three months we were together at the group home. Once they were gone, all I had left was pain and anger. I survived by learning to be strong. I stuffed the pain down where no one could see it and pretended like nothing mattered. But seeing Alessandro again brings it all to surface again. It stirs the dark places in my mind where I’ve hidden it away. I’m not going to hurt like that ever again. The pain made me weak.

But my anger fuels me.

So I do it again. As the elevator starts to move, I pull myself off the floor, stuffing my pain away into those dark crevices of my mind. The door opens on one and a couple that I’ve seen around but don’t know gets on arm in arm, giggling over some inside joke. They eye me suspiciously and stop laughing.

When the elevator stops on four, I step out without looking at them and move across the hall to our door. The apartment is dark, but it’s only eleven, so I know Brett’s not in bed. I flip on the light and move to the kitchen, where I grab a mostly empty two-liter of Diet Coke out of the door of the fridge and chug the rest.

On the way to the bedroom, I stop in the bathroom to pee and brush my teeth. When I look in the mirror over the sink, peering back at me is that scared little girl from so long ago. I crank the hot water and splash my face, breathing in the steam and forcing the fear away, and when I look up again, that girl is gone. It’s just me. Hard, tough, indestructible me. I let the Moretti boys close enough to hurt me all those years ago and I learned my lesson. No one’s ever getting through my armor again.

The bed is empty, so Brett must be out. I strip and slide in under the sheets. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and go to sleep.

But I can’t sleep. My mind won’t turn off, wondering what Alessandro has to say. An hour later, when Brett comes home, drunk, I’m still wide awake. I sit up in bed when he staggers into the bedroom. He flips on the light and peels off his jacket. He’s soaked through from the rain, the shoulders and back of his T-shirt wet and clinging.

“Finally,” I say and his eyes flow down the lines of my body as I sweep the sheets aside. I roll onto my hands and knees and crawl to the edge of the bed. “Come here.”

He grins and stalks toward me, stopping in front of me at the edge of the bed. “Now what?”

I reach up and pop the button of his jeans, easing the zipper down. He’s commando, as usual, and his manhood is already half-mast. I lean forward and tease his growing hard-on with my tongue. A minute later, when he’s stiff, I take him into my mouth.

“Fuck,” he gasps when I suck him. He growls and drags me off the bed onto the floor, throwing me down and climbing on top of me. The next second, he stabs into me hard. He growls with every thrust as he pounds me into the hardwood floor, and it hurts so goddamn good.

It only lasts a few minutes. I don’t come, but I don’t need to. That’s not what this was about. I just needed to know I’m here, in this place. Right now. I needed to feel it.

Brett rolls off me and I ooze back up onto the bed, finally feeling sleepy. And when I close my eyes, there’s nothing. Just the way I want it.

WHEN I WAKE up in the morning, I realize Brett never made it into the bed. He’s sprawled in the dirty clothes on the floor, just where I left him, sound asleep and fully dressed, with his limp dick hanging out of his open fly. I pick my phone up off the nightstand and check the time.

Ten.

I step over Brett and hurry to the shower, racing through my routine, the whole time wondering if I’m actually going to go through with this. I still don’t know what I’m supposed to say to Alessandro. Why is he even here after all this time?

I don’t have time to de-frizz my hair, so it’s more afro-ish than normal when I race up to the Argo Tea at eleven fifteen. I’m not sure if I want him to be there or not.

But he is.

He’s sitting alone at a table in the back corner, a coffee cup cradled in both hands. I watch as he brings it to his mouth and sips. He’s changed, but not so much that I can’t see the sixteen-year-old boy I knew. He still has the same silky, black hair, the waves combed off his forehead now, instead of shaggy in his face. He has the same smoky charcoal eyes, dark with black rings around the irises. But, where his features were more delicate then, they’ve turned stronger and more masculine. His sleek jawline is shaded with dark stubble and there’s a shallow dimple at the tip of his chin. He’s tall, probably six-three, but he was lanky before. He’s filled out. He’s in a sapphire-blue button-down with the tails loose over black jeans, and there’s no question there’s a pretty serious body under the thin cotton.

He’s still beautiful. That’s the only word that does him justice. But there’s an edge to him now that reminds me of Lorenzo.

Even though Lorenzo’s face was more boyish in some ways—rounder with a little baby fat in his cheeks—he was tougher and more rugged-looking than Alessandro. His hair was sort of mud brown, and his eyes were totally black and totally unreadable. His skin wasn’t as dark as Alessandro’s either. He was seventeen and half and didn’t shave very often, so he had blondish scruff on his chin and upper lip that scratched my face when he was on top of me. He was shorter than Alessandro, even though he was a year and a half older, and, at the time, he was broader than Alessandro, though it’s clear Alessandro caught up in that department at some point. But he forever had that look in his eye that let you know he could snap at any second. Alessandro’s got that look now.

I stand in the door, staring at him for another minute, deciding once and for all if I’m really going through with this. I hate that I’m this scared. I don’t do scared anymore. Pissed? Yes. A little nervous? Sometimes. But never scared. But I have to do this. I have to know why he’s here—what he knows. I take a deep breath and square my shoulders, then stride over to where he sits.

He stiffens for just a second when he sees me, but he stands when I reach his table. “I wasn’t sure you’d actually come.”

“Yeah . . . whatever,” I say, dropping my eyes from his intense gaze.

“I would have ordered for you, but I didn’t know what you liked.” He pulls out the chair opposite his. “I’ll get something for you.”

I’m just staring at him. I can’t get over the change.

“I can get it.” I spin and hurry toward the counter, where, thankfully, there’s a line. I don’t look back as I wait. Instead, I work to pull my thoughts together. I don’t know if it’s closure I need or what, but there are things I need to know—questions I need answers to.

Now I just need to clear my head enough to remember what the hell they are.

Alessandro stands again as I walk back to the table several minutes later. He holds the back of my chair as I lower myself into it, then helps me slide it in. He sits again and looks at me for a long, awkward minute, swirling his coffee. “I’m sorry I was so awkward last night. You took me by surprise. I wasn’t planning to ring the buzzer, but I’d just found your address and I . . .” His eyes pinch a little and I realize it’s because I caught him there. He’s embarrassed.

“You were stalking me?”

His whole face pinches now. “I never meant to . . . I wasn’t going to contact you.”

“How did you find me?”

He presses back into his seat and hesitates before answering. “It took some ingenuity . . . and Google.”

I slam my teacup down on the table. “My address is not on Google!”

“It’s actually pretty shocking, the amount of personal information that can be found online.”

“So you were stalking me.”

“In a manner of speaking, I suppose I was, if there’s a non-creepy connotation to that term.”

“How is this non-creepy?” I say, waving a hand at him. “You show up in New York eight years after vanishing off the face of the planet, and I find you poking around my apartment building in the middle of the night, then you admit to cyberstalking me. Nope . . .” I say, folding my arms across my chest and scowling at him. “Nothing creepy there.”

He breathes deeply. “As I said, I didn’t plan on—”

“How long have you been back in New York, anyway?” I ask, cutting him off. I don’t want to hear any more of his lame explanations. I just want to know what the hell he’s doing here—why he found me. If he knows.

“About a month,” he answers, and my gaze is drawn back to his eyes.

“You’ve been here a month,” I say, trying to absorb that. “Doing what? Do you have a job?”

“Not at the moment. For now, I’m volunteering at the West Side YMCA.”

“Where were you? Before?”

He takes a long sip of his coffee, and below the rolled-up cuff of his sleeve, I watch muscles of his forearm ripple as he sets his cup down and swirls it. “A few places, but mostly Corsica and Rome.”

“Rome.” He was in Rome while my life fell apart. “So . . . why did you come back?”

“To put some old ghosts to rest.” As he says this, his gaze darkens . . . becomes more intense, seeming to bore through me.

But I won’t back down. I hold his gaze. “Am I a ghost?”

“You are.”

“And you’re going to put me to rest,” I say, unable to curb the cynical edge to my voice.

“I needed to find you,” he says, finally lowering his gaze. “The way things were left . . . I’ve never felt right about it.”

“The way things were left . . .” I repeat. The way things were left sucked. He has no idea how much.

He splays his long, slender hands on the table on either side of his cup as if to steady them and presses into the back of his seat. “I don’t even have words, Hilary. I don’t have words to adequately apologize for what Lorenzo and I did to you. You were so young . . .” He trails off with a shake of his head. “Too young,” he finally says, lower.

“So what is it you think you can do about it now?” I’m more bitter than I realized, and it bleeds through loud and clear into my words.

“Nothing,” he says, lowering his gaze and watching his fingertip trace the rim of his coffee cup. “There’s nothing I can say or do to make this right. All I can do is apologize. All I can do is tell you that I’ve prayed for you every day. I’ve—”

I bolt out of my chair, my palms slamming on the tabletop and splashing my tea. “You prayed for me? What the hell is that going to help? How the hell is praying for me going to make one fucking bit of difference?”

I’m only vaguely aware that the whole shop just went silent.

His face crumples as if I’d reached out and slapped him. Good. He deserves to hurt. “This was a mistake,” he finally says, standing. “It was wrong of me to open old wounds for the sake of easing my conscience. I’ll go.”

He turns and walks out of the shop, leaving me staring after him. Which makes me want to rip his head off. If anyone gets to walk out, it’s me. I storm after him and when I slam through the door onto the crowded sidewalk, he’s waiting at the crosswalk.

“There’s no fucking way you get to walk out on me!” I shout, charging after him. He turns and starts moving back toward me. “Do you hear me, Alessandro? You don’t get to walk away again!”

I stop in front of him. For several beats of my racing heart, we just stand here staring at each other. Then I reach up, not sure what I mean to do.

What I do is slap him. Hard. And it feels really good.

So I do it again.

He just stands there, taking it. He doesn’t flinch, or reach up to rub his face. He doesn’t step back, or grimace, or raise his hand to defend himself, or hit me back. He doesn’t tell me to stop.

So I slap him again.

His jaw tightens and he closes his eyes for just a second, like he’s relieved. But then I’m pinned in that charcoal gaze again. “Do whatever you need to do, Hilary.”

It’s like he’s asking for more . . . like he thinks he deserves it. But he doesn’t get to call the shots. This is my show, and I’m done.

I spin and stride to the Argo Tea without looking back. Our cups are still on the table, and when I drop into my seat and pick mine up, I realize my nerves are rock solid. No shake. Other than a faint sting in my palm, I’m fine. I’m suddenly proud of myself. If you don’t show weakness, then you’re not weak. First rule of survival.

That makes me the strongest sister around.

I LEFT ALESSANDRO standing on the sidewalk outside Argo Tea five days ago, but I can’t stop looking over my shoulder everywhere I go, thinking I see him lurking around corners or in doorways. I’ve never been this paranoid in my life.

Filthy’s is closed Mondays, so I usually spend my Monday nights at the 115th-Street library with my acting group. I can get lost here; become someone else. And if there was ever a time I needed to be someone else, it’s now.

Everyone in my group is black except for a few guys that come over from Columbia. The group facilitator, Quinn, is a retired professor from the theater department at City College. I’m pretty sure he’s always stoned, but he’s pretty cool, and he keeps the group fresh.

“Irish!” he calls as I step into the room. He thinks a mixed kid with reddish-black hair and freckles is hilarious. “You gonna rock our world with Rosalind tonight? Or is it going to be Katherine?”

It’s Shakespeare night, so we each have to do a dramatic reading of a Shakespearian monologue.

“You know me too well, Quinn,” I tell him, sliding into a seat in the circle. The community room is always freezing in the winter, so I keep my jacket on. There are usually about fifteen of us, and about half the group is already here, chattering in their seats. The Columbia guys, Nathan and Mike, are talking and laughing about Mike’s weekend hookup. Across the circle are two sisters from Harlem, Kamara and Vee, who always come together. They play off each other really well, and always leave me laughing.

I’ve been coming here pretty regularly for the last two years, since I lost my agent. At first, I was hoping for connections, but it didn’t take long to figure out that wasn’t going to happen. I’m probably the most experienced person here, other than Quinn. But I kept coming back for the people. And the escape. I get to come here and be someone else, even if it’s just for a little while. I can put on my character and just forget myself.

“So what you got for us tonight?” Quinn asks, nudging me with his bony elbow as he lowers his scrawny old frame into the seat next to me.

I give him a sly smile. “You’re just going to have to wait and see.”

He reminds me of my grandpa, always joking with me, except he looks nothing like Grandpa did. Grandpa was a fair-skinned redhead. Quinn is black as night, with gray fuzz and a voice like James Earl Jones.

He laughs and pokes my shoulder as a few more of our group trickle through the door. “Someday I’m gonna be able to say, ‘I knew her when . . .’ ”

“ . . . she got blacklisted from Broadway for running down a director during a dance routine,” I finish for him.

“I know you can sing, Irish, but I’m not sure why you think you have to do musicals.”

“You know why. The Idol thing is my only in. If it’s not a singing part, I can’t even get the audition.”

“Dumbass business we’re in,” he grumbles.

When the group is assembled, Quinn stands and gets us started with Theseus’s famous “More Strange Than True” monologue from Act Five of A Midsummer’s Night’s Dream. Everyone in turn stands in the center of the circle and acts out their monologue. When we get to the Harlem girls, they stand together.

“Monologues are boring . . .” the heavier one, Kamara, says.

“So we’re doing the scene from Act Two of The Taming of the Shrew, where Petruchio is trying to get into Katherine’s pants,” the taller one, Vee, says.

Kamara steps in front of her. “I’m Petruchio.”

“And I’m Katherine,” Vee says.

Quinn rolls his hand in a circle. “Just get on with it.”

Kamara clears her throat and stands straight, holding out her hand to Vee. “Good morrow, Kate; for that’s your name, I hear.”

Vee makes a disgusted face. “Well have you heard, but something hard of hearing:

They call me Katherine that do talk of me.”

“You lie, in faith; for you are call’d plain Kate, and bonny Kate and sometimes Kate the curst.”

Kamara keeps rolling, pouring it on as she finishes the long list of all Kate’s virtues. As they banter back and forth, everyone around the circle is on the edge of laughing. When they finish, they sit with a bow and flourish, and everyone claps. But then the next three girls do utterly uninspired Juliet monologues and bring the whole room down. By the time we get all the way back around the circle to me, everyone is yawning.

“What you got, Irish?” Quinn says, elbowing me. “Time to lay it all on the table.”

“Keep your bony elbows to yourself, old man.” I stand and move to the center of the circle. “So, this is Rosalind . . . or her male alter ego, Ganymede, really, trying to convince Phoebe to love Silvius instead of him . . . or her . . . or whatever. It’s from Act Three, scene five of As You Like it.”

I close my eyes, feeling Rosalind seep into my bloodstream.

“And why, I pray you? Who might be your mother, that you insult, exult, and all at once,

Over the wretched?” A tingly rush prickles my skin as I open myself up to her, letting her have me.

“What though you have no beauty as by my faith, I see no more in you than without candle may go dark to bed, must you be therefore proud and pitiless? Why, what means this? Why do you look on me?” I ask, raising my voice and lifting my hand, pressing it into my chest as Rosalind starts to use my body as hers.

“I see no more in you than in the ordinary of nature’s sale-work. Od’s my little life!”

I open my eyes and move around the circle. Quinn smiles and shakes his head as I glide past.

“I think she means to tangle my eyes too. No, faith, proud mistress, hope not after it: ’Tis not your inky brows,” I say, running a fingertip over Nathan’s, “your black silk hair,” I add, my hand raking through his waves. Mike elbows him and I see him blush. “Your bugle eyeballs, nor your cheek of cream, that can entame my spirits to your worship.”

This is the part I love about acting—when I totally escape into the character—someone who’s not me. I let Rosalind have me, body and soul, as she tells us about how foolish men are. But as she finishes by telling Pheobe to stop pining over her male alter ego and take what she’s got right in front of her, my real life creeps back into my thoughts.

Just like in Shakespeare, when you fall head over heals in love with someone you don’t even know, it’s never going to end well. Love killed Juliet when she was thirteen. I made it all the way to fourteen before it nearly killed me.

Chapter Four

JESS IS GOING to get this one. I can feel it. Chalk it up to karma or whatever you want. It’s just for a tiny, short-run off-off Broadway show, but if it does well, there’s the possibility of going on the road. LA and maybe Vegas. Vegas could be kind of fun. They’re taking three for the chorus and she was by far the best. Me, not so much, but I’m not surprised. It’s the read where I usually shine, and there’s no read for this part. At least this time, I’m spared the humiliation of getting rejected right in front of everyone. They’re not posting callbacks until tomorrow. It’s not until I grab my bag that I notice Brett in the back. He’s talking to the director.

“We’re still on for tonight?” Jess asks me, pulling my attention away from trying desperately to read the director’s lips.

“Yeah. Club Sixty-nine, right? On Ludlow? Ten?”

“Perfect. Mind if I invite some other friends too?”

I give her a quick, sweaty hug, so I can watch over her shoulder without being rude, as Brett knuckle bumps the director. “It’s your party. Invite whoever you want.” I pull back as Brett makes his way to the stage. “Gotta go, but see you tonight.”

I turn and Brett is waiting at the bottom of the stairs. “What did he say?” I mutter as I make my way down.

He shrugs. “He might be able to find something for you.”

I can’t help myself. I leap off the last stair onto him and wrap my legs around his waist, grinning like a moron. “Thank you!”

He grins back. “Don’t thank me yet, babe. But I like the enthusiasm.”

He turns for the side door with me still clinging to him like a monkey, but then I see the director giving us a look. I slide off Brett and try to appear . . . something other than crazy.

“See ya, Tim,” Brett calls with a wave as we head for the door.

The director lifts a hand. “I’ll text you about the audition.”

“What audition?” I ask once we’re on the sidewalk.

“Something he thought you might be better suited for.”

Great. “Which means he’s not giving me a part.”

We weave through the crowded sidewalk toward the subway and he loops his arm around my waist. “You don’t know that.”

“So what’s this other thing?”

“It’s a recast for someone who got knocked up in When You Least Expect It. Says he’ll get you on the audition list.”

I feel my eyes go wide. “At the Elektra? Are you shitting me?”

He grins as he wends us through a swarm of high-school kids in matching orange T-shirts who are clogging the sidewalk. “As far as I know, no, I am not shitting you.”

“But that’s off-Broadway. Open run!”

“Last I looked.” He’s all smug now, trying to hide his self-satisfied smirk.

But then reality comes crashing down on me. “I’m not going to get it.”

He tugs me to his side. “Tim says the dancing is less choreographed for that one so they’re basically looking for someone with a hot body, because there’s a partial nude . . . which you have covered,” he adds, squeezing my ass, “and a voice, which you also got.”

“When is the audition?”

“He just heard about it so he’s not sure. After Thanksgiving, maybe. Said he’d talk to the director and get you on the list, then let me know.”

I’m not even going to let myself believe I might get this. But . . . holy shit!

We jump on the subway, but when we get to Columbus Circle, I stand. “I’m gonna get some tea and run an errand. I’ll be home in a while.”

“I’ve got rehearsal in a few hours. Don’t keep me waiting too long,” he says with that sexy smile and raised eyebrows.

I climb the stairs and head up Central Park West to Sixty-second Street, where my feet slow. I stand on the corner and stare at the building. The West Side YMCA is in a really old brick building just up from Central Park. I’ve walked past this intersection a thousand times, but I’ve never had a reason to turn up Sixty-second. I don’t have a reason now either . . . at least not one that makes sense, but I do it anyway.

“What am I even doing here?” I ask out loud, but that doesn’t stop my feet from carrying me over the threshold. Through a second set of wooden doors is a reception area. I almost turn around, but instead, I head to the desk.

A young Asian man is behind the counter, laughing into a cell phone. I wait a few minutes until he hangs up. “Can I help you?” he asks.

“Um . . . maybe. There’s a guy who I think volunteers here . . . Alessandro Moretti?”

He just looks at me a second like he’s expecting more. When I just stare back, he says, “ ‘Here’ is a big place. You’ll have to be more specific.”

I shrug. “I don’t have anything more specific.”

“You can try the gym,” he finally says, looking at the screen of his cell phone. “Take the elevator to the third floor.” He waves his hand at the corridor as he sticks the phone to his ear.

I turn and head in the direction he indicated and find the elevator. When the door opens on three, there is a desk with another Asian guy who could be the last guy’s brother. “Hi,” I say as I step up to the desk. He lifts his face out of the book he’s reading and stares at me blankly. “Do you know if there’s a guy named Alessandro Moretti that volunteers here?”

Finally, something registers on his face. It might be curiosity. “Yeah.”

When he doesn’t elaborate, I ask, “Do you know if he’s maybe here? Now?”

He sets his book facedown on the desk. “He’s here.”

After another awkward beat, I lean on the counter. “Do you think maybe I could see him?”

He points to a staircase. “Up one flight. He’s in the basketball gym.”

I find out that’s not as easy as it sounded when I get up one flight and find a weight room first, and then a pool. I look around both places for someone who looks like they might belong here. I finally see an older Hispanic man who is probably a custodian coming out of a locker room.

“Um . . . hi.”

The man looks up at me and smiles. “Hello.”

Why am I nervous? I force myself to stop fidgeting. “Where is the basketball gym?”

“If you go straight through the women’s locker room,” he says, indicating the door just down from where we are, “you’ll find it on the other side.”

I catch myself worrying my lower lip and make myself stop. “Thanks.”

He smiles again and turns for the stairs.

I weave through the women’s locker room and push through the door at the other end into a gym with a running track on a mezzanine above it. There’s a group of four black kids shooting hoops at one end, and in the corner under the mezzanine is a guy in a wifebeater, loose black athletic shorts, and boxing gloves, punching a hanging bag. His skin shimmers under a sheen of sweat, and I catch my gaze wandering over the ripple of muscles in his arms as he lashes out at the bag, a blistering rhythm of hard lefts and rights. I’m not sure what that bag ever did to him, but he’s clearly intent upon killing it.

As my eyes trace the lines of the veins of his forearm, I realize I’m not breathing. Nothing is as hot as a great pair of man-arms, and these are some of the sexiest arms I’ve ever seen.

The problem is, they’re attached to Alessandro.

The whistle from the group of boys on the court breaks my daze, and I realize I’m on the edge of drooling. It also catches Alessandro’s attention. He turns, and when he sees me standing near the doors, his whole body tenses. After a long beat, he tugs off his boxing gloves, tossing them to the floor near the bag, and walks over. By the time he reaches me, I’m just about ready to bolt . . . or trace my finger down one of those arm veins, pulsing under perfect, sweaty skin.

What was I thinking, coming here?

He stops in front of me—out of my reach, I can’t help but notice—and his lips press into a line.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to slap you . . .” I tell him. “Unless you deserve it.”

“I think we both know I deserve it.” He looks at me a long time and I have to pull my eyes away from his. I’m just now remembering a person could get lost in his deep gaze. “Is there something you wanted?”

I shrug and run my fingers over the dark wooden door frame next to me. “I was in the neighborhood.”

That gets a flicker of a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “Then I’m glad you stopped by.”

“Sorry I slapped you,” I blurt, not even sure where it came from, but as I say it, I know it’s true.

“I’m sorry I gave you reason to.” The skin around his eyes crinkles as he looks at me, as if he’s trying to see into my head. “Would you like to get something to drink?”

“Yeah. Sure.”

He gestures with a nod of his head back toward the locker rooms. “I’ll meet you at the central staircase.”

I nod and move back through the locker room in the direction I came. A minute later, Alessandro emerges through the door of the men’s locker room, a gray hoodie covering those amazing arms.

He motions with a sweep of his arm toward the stairs, and when we get to the first floor, he directs me into a small café there.

“Help yourself to whatever you’d like,” he says with a nod at the drink case.

I slide open the door and pluck a bottle of Diet Coke off the shelf. He chooses a container of Muscle Milk and we settle in at a table near the window.

He crosses one ankle over the other knee, then just looks at me for a long, uncomfortable minute. “When I left, you were waiting for the courts to award your sister custody,” he finally says.

“Yeah.” I’m not going to tell him that, for half of the time in between, I was in rehab. I don’t really remember much about it anyway, and even if I did, it’s none of his business. “I moved in with her about five months after you left.”

He nods. “You were happy there?”

“She and Jeff have always been great to me.” And that’s all he’s getting. His turn to answer some questions. “How did Lorenzo die?” And that’s it, I realize. That’s why I’m here. That’s what I need to know.

His eyes flash to me, dark and guarded, as he stiffens. It takes him a minute to unclamp his jaw, and when he does, his voice is low. “How much do you remember about Lorenzo?”

I remember he hurt me. I remember he dealt drugs. I remember he didn’t give a shit about anyone but himself. “He was tough. I remember he hit Ms. Jenkins.”

Alessandro nods slowly. “He was thirteen when our father was killed in the 9/11 attacks, and he’d already been in trouble. Our father was able to rein him in, but after he was gone, and our mother became . . . ill, there was no one he felt accountable to. We ended up in juvenile detention because Lorenzo decided to rob a street vendor. It was a habit he never broke. He was shot and killed in Toulon, France, two years ago during a store robbery.”

“Were you with him?”

His face pulls tight as he shakes his head. “No. He left my grandparents’ shortly after turning eighteen . . . just a few months after we’d arrived in Corsica. We never heard from him again until we were notified he’d been killed.”

“Why didn’t you just move back with your mother when you got out of juvie? Why go to Corsica with your grandparents?”

He spins his drink absently with his fingers and I can’t help notice his hands. They’re strong and sure, and his fingers are long. “Our mother attempted suicide while Lorenzo and I were in juvenile detention,” he answers. “She had never been well after our father was killed. Her parents brought her home to Corsica to care for her.”

“Suicide?” That snaps me out of my sexy-hand daze. Did he tell me that? Back then? There’s so much I really don’t remember. I feel suddenly cold and wrap my arms around myself, shuddering at the memory that surfaces. “But she’s okay?”

He lifts one shoulder in a shrug. “She survived, but she’s never been the same.”

My guts are in a hard knot and I’m having trouble taking a full breath. This is all hitting a little too close to home. I shift in my chair and veer the conversation away from his mother and her botched suicide. “Corsica . . . Rome. That sounds pretty amazing. Why would you want to come back here?”

He hesitates a long second, and when I look up at him, his expression is guarded. “My life took an unexpected turn this spring. When I left training for the priesthood my—”

“Whoa! Back up a sec. The priesthood?”

He rubs his forehead and nods. “I graduated seminary last year. I was days away from my ordination this April when I changed my mind.”

“You wanted to become a priest?” It comes out sharp and cynical. I can’t even begin to get my head around the kid I knew becoming a man of the cloth.

His gaze goes all intense and I swear to God it’s like he’s trying to see into my skull. “I’ve changed since you knew me, Hilary.”

“When I knew you, you were dealing drugs and ruining my life!” It slices out of my mouth like a blade before I even think it, but there’s some satisfaction when I see it hit the mark. His piercing gaze clouds and he won’t meet my eyes.

He picks up his drink and takes a sip. “As I’ve already said, I’m sorry for my part in what happened to you. I’ve always regretted it.”

He’s regretted it. He’s regretted me. Fine. It’s not like that’s news.

“So, why did you change your mind? Why aren’t you a priest?”

“I fell in love.”

Somewhere deep inside me, a knife twists. “So . . . you’re with someone?”

He shakes his head slowly as something like chagrin flashes over his face, but it’s gone as fast. “No. We’re not together.”

“Why? I mean, if you gave up the priesthood . . .”

“She was in love with someone else,” he says, watching his finger trace circles on the tabletop. “But she was the pebble in my shoe that made me see what I’d dogmatically pursued for my entire adult life wasn’t my path. She made me question myself and realize I don’t have the discipline it takes for that life. I’ve never had that kind of control,” he adds, his dark gaze locking on mine.

“You love her.” He loves her. I can’t explain the sudden burst of bitterness I feel at the thought, except that it explodes out of the deepest layers of my being.

“I did,” he says. “She’s an extraordinary person.”

Suddenly, I want to make him suffer the way I did when he left me, and I know just the thing. I turn back and smile at him. “It’s my friend Jess’s birthday. I’m taking her to Club Sixty-nine on the Lower East Side tonight. You should come.”

I’m sure he’ll beg off. I can’t see Mr. I-almost-became-a-priest enjoying himself at a dance club. But that’s exactly why I invited him—to get him on my playing field and throw him off his game. I want to see him as uncomfortable as he makes me. I want to see him squirm. And I definitely know how to make men squirm.

“What time?” he asks.

“Ten.”

He gives me a slow nod. “And what is the dress?”

“You don’t get out much do you?” I smirk. “Dress hot. It’s a dance club.”

He huffs a laugh out his nose. “No, I don’t ‘get out much,’ but I’m sure I can find something that works.”

A little zing of electricity shoots up my spine. This is going to be so satisfying. He falls in love with someone else, but he regrets me? Fine. He’s going to see what he had and gave up. He’s going to squirm with his hard-on, knowing he can never have me again.

My turn to hurt him for a change.

Chapter Five

WHEN I GET home, Brett has already left for rehearsal. Since my normal outlet is gone, I decide to work up a sweat by cleaning. I need something mindless to keep me occupied until show time. I scrub three months’ worth of soap scum off the shower, give the kitchen floor its annual mopping, wash the overflowing mound of dishes in the kitchen sink, and wipe down every surface in the place.

Brett comes in just as I’m finishing the kitchen. “What’s for dinner?”

I duck into the fridge, which I probably should have cleaned in my frenzy. “There’s leftover Chinese takeout and . . . whatever this is,” I say pulling a styrofoam take-out box off the shelf and opening it. My face pinches against the rancid smell. “Ugh! No . . . you definitely don’t want that.” I say, pitching the moldy Mexican leftovers in the trash. “We have eggs. I could do a cheese omelet.”

I love to cook, but our refrigerator is pretty sparse because I’m at the bar most nights and Brett’s happy with takeout. Plus, the cooking is great, and the eating is great, but the cleaning up afterward blows.

Brett comes up behind me and cups my ass in his palms. “You keep pointing this thing in my face you’ll be eating me for dinner.”

“As appealing at that sounds, I’m drinking tonight, so I’ll need a little more than that to keep me vertical.”

He glides a hand between my legs. “Who you going out with?”

I brush his hand away and reach for the Chinese containers. “Jess. It’s her birthday.” I spin, kicking the fridge door closed. “You want to come?”

I only ask ’cause I know he’ll say no.

“Not really, babe. I’ve got poker at Rob’s tonight. Probably won’t be home till late.”

Which really means he won’t be home at all tonight. He usually stumbles in from his poker nights around sunrise, stinking of cigars and whisky.

I just shrug. That’s the great thing about our relationship. I don’t have to pretend I’m upset. No fake, “Jeez, hon, that’s too bad. We’ll miss you.” He knows I don’t really give a shit.

I take the Chinese containers to the microwave and heat up the contents, then dump the mu shu and chow mein onto plates.

“I heard about another audition you should go to,” he says as I bring the plates to the couch. “It’s not a musical, but it’s got a pretty big cast, so it’s worth a shot.”

I hand him his plate and drop onto the couch next to him. “If it’s not a musical, they probably won’t even want to see me.”

“If you want it, I’ll get you the audition,” he says through a mouthful of noodles. “There’s no dancing, so all you have to do is look hot and deliver your lines.”

I just look at him. Why is he helping me so much all of a sudden? After a second, he looks up and sees me staring.

“I’ll get you the audition,” he says, a little irritated, like I’m a bitch for questioning him.

I twirl my fork in my noodles and a few spill off the edge of the plate onto my lap. “Damn.” I look for somewhere to set my plate and end up putting it on the seat next to me. “Why don’t we have a coffee table?”

He shrugs and picks noodles off my lap. “Just never got one, I guess. Plus they take up space.”

“I want one.”

He quirks a half smile. “Go for it.”

When we’re done eating, I head to the shower and I’m a little relieved when Brett doesn’t follow me. I’m feeling uncharacteristically unhorny. Too busy plotting, I guess.

I’m going to be the hottest thing Alessandro’s ever laid eyes on. He regrets me? I’m going to make him regret the day he gave me up.

I slip on a sheer black thong then rifle through my closet, knowing exactly the outfit: a tight-fitting silver halter that is nearly transparent, and a tiny ruffled black skirt that barely covers my ass. I’ve got the perfect shoes too. Five-inch platforms that make my legs look totally lickable.

I want Alessandro to want to lick me.

Once I’m dressed, I smudge on some blush, draw on eyeliner, and brush on mascara. There’s no freaking way Alessandro’s going to be able to resist.

WHEN JESS AND I get to the club, we skip the line and the bouncer lets us in without a cover. I tug off my jacket, leaving it on the back of a chair near the door, and look for Alessandro. Jess and I are half an hour late, and there’s no way Mr. Uptight would be anything but punctual. I finally see him leaning against the bar talking to a pair of brunettes, one of whom is bursting out of her low-cut tank.

And, damn, he’s hot.

His hair is combed back and he’s got the sexiest case of five-o’clock shadow I’ve ever seen. He’s in a black button-down with the sleeves rolled up and one tail loose over faded jeans that fit him in a way that makes me want to rip them off.

I pull Jess onto the dance floor and bounce to the pulsing dance beat. We writhe around each other and by the end of the song, I’m slick with sweat. When I look over at Alessandro, I see the brunettes are gone and he’s watching me from the bar with rapt interest.

Bait taken. Time to lure him in.

The song changes over to one of my favorites. I close my eyes and let my body pulse with the rhythm as Dev sings about wandering hands and a sex drive that’s push to start. All the muscles in my belly contract when I feel long, strong hands on my shoulders. Showtime.

I’m going to make him want me so hard, he won’t know what hit him when I shut him down.

I open my eyes and there Alessandro is, his smoldering gaze raking over my body. I raise my arms slowly overhead as I move to the music, giving him an up-close-and-personal look at the girls, daring him to touch me. With this top and no bra, they’re a pretty spectacular sight, if I do say so myself.

Jess grins and shimmies off to dance with a mixed group near us—probably the people she invited. I recognize a few of them from auditions.

Alessandro leans in and I catch his scent—some tangy, spicy cologne that seems to hardwire my nose to my groin. “That was quite the show,” he says, his voice thick and rough.

You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

I put on my fuck-me smile and swing my hips to the music. He shocks the hell out of me when he lays his hands on my waist and starts to move with me. I spin in his arms so he’s behind me and grasp his wrists, feeling the strength in his forearms. God, he’s got great arms. I glide his hands over my ass, down the backs of my thighs, to the bottom edge of my tiny skirt. His hands are sure and firm against my skin and he doesn’t resist me.

Heat pulses through me as I close my eyes and roll my hips in a circle. I glide his hands slowly up my backside, bringing my short skirt with them and leaving his fingers on bare skin, then press myself into him. He doesn’t miss a beat, moving his hips with mine to the rhythm. I grind a circle against him and damn if he doesn’t play along. For a guy who was inches from becoming a priest, he’s pretty damn bold. I loop my arms behind me, around his neck, and press my whole back into his whole front, and I swear I feel a low groan in his chest as his head tips back. His hands slide up my sides and stop on my rib cage below my breasts.

And damn if I don’t want them to keep going. I think my plan might be backfiring, because everywhere he touches me, I’m on fire.

I turn to face him and the look in his eye, hungry and raw, makes my heart beat faster. I run my hands over his strong forearms as his hands glide around me, pulling me tight to his body, one knee sliding between mine. His face is in my hair, his hot breath sending goose bumps skittering over my skin despite the fact that that I feel like we’re standing five inches from the sun. We dance just like that, plastered against each other, his hand on my back, his fingers brushing the bare skin at the waist of my skirt, and I lose track of everything except the pounding of the music and the heat of his body.

This was a very bad plan.

I wanted him to want me. I wanted to hurt him.

But just as I feel myself starting to question whether I might actually follow through, I feel a rumble in his chest and a low growl escapes his throat. I barely hear it over the deafening music, but the next second, he’s pushing me away like I’ve burned him. His eyes are closed and his jaw is ground tight and he just stands there, still as stone for a few long heartbeats. He doesn’t even breathe.

“I have to go,” he finally grinds out.

“What?” I say, incredulous. “Why?”

He opens his eyes and takes another deep breath before answering. “Because coming here was a mistake.”

I’m so stunned that I can’t even move for a second as he turns and stalks off the dance floor. I was supposed to make him want me. I was supposed to shut him down. How did my plan get so totally turned on its head? How is it I’m the one standing here aching where I shouldn’t? How is it him shutting me down?

Jess is a few feet away, dancing slow with a cute redhead with pouty lips. I tap her shoulder. “Sorry, Jess, but I’ve got to go.”

The redhead runs her fingers down the open back of Jess’s dress and clings a little more tightly, and I get the distinct feeling Jess wasn’t leaving here with me tonight anyway. “Will you be okay getting home?” she asks.

“I’m good. Call me tomorrow?”

“Okay,” she says as the redhead nuzzles her neck.

I storm off the dance floor and grab my jacket, following Alessandro out the door. He’s already almost half a block up.

“Just keep walking, asshole!” I yell at his back.

He doesn’t turn around. The only indication he heard me is the way his purposeful stride stalls for a beat before he does exactly what I told him to do.

I lean back against the building and tip my head up, staring at the overcast sky, waiting for my heart rate to slow to the noncoronary inducing range. But when I push off the building, I see Alessandro striding back toward me, looking like he’s on a mission. He’s almost on top of me before I know it.

“What do you want from me, Hilary?”

There’s an angry edge to his words that makes me furious. He has no right to be pissed at me. “I want you to go back to Rome or Corsica or wherever the hell you came from and leave me alone.”

His jaw tightens and something passes over his face as he works to contain whatever it is that he wants to say.

“Why the hell did you come back here anyway?” I spit.

He throws his hands in the air and spins, pacing away from me in the direction he came. But then he turns back and looks at me with hard charcoal eyes. “I don’t know! I don’t know why I do anything anymore! I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to make this right,” he says, flinging his arm between us. “I don’t know how to fix any of it.”

He finishes his rant by dropping his chin to his chest and rubbing his forehead, and that’s when I realize it’s not me he’s pissed at. He’s angry with himself. Very angry, based on the way his face twisted in disgust as he said that.

I catch myself feeling sorry that I yelled at him, but then I stop. I’m not going to feel sorry for him. After everything, he’s got no right to my sympathy. “Just go home, Alessandro,” I say, turning for the subway.

I hoof it up Ludlow Street as fast as I can in my killer heels . . . which isn’t all that fast. I hate that I’m wearing them. I hate that I’m wearing this whole outfit. What was I even thinking? This was such a stupid plan.

Despite my vow not to look back, I do as I round the corner onto Broome, toward the Grand Street station, and see Alessandro following behind, half a block back. I start walking faster, but I’ve only gotten to the end of the first building when someone says, “Hey!” from very close by.

I turn and see a pair of white kids, maybe eighteen or nineteen, hanging in a dark doorway. One of them has his hoodie up, shadowing his face, a lit cigarette pinched between his thumb and finger, all dark and brooding. The other one is a tall, blond, grinning fool.

The blond kid steps out of the doorway. His eyes rake over me and I pull my jacket closed. “You looking for a good time?”

I am so not in the mood for this. “I am so far out of your league, honey, that you wouldn’t have the first clue what to do with me.”

The one with the cigarette glares at me, but the blond laughs. “I’m sure we could think of a thing or two.”

“Not in this lifetime.” I start moving again, but the kid with the cigarette springs like a snake and grabs me. I start to scream, but I fall off my heels as he spins me against the door in the alcove and pins me with his body. He slaps a hand over my mouth and holds his cigarette ash up to my face, just an inch from my cheek. “You scream again, you fucking whore, and I’ll take your fucking eye,” he hisses.

“Dude!” the blond kid says. “Chill. She’ll do it.” He looks at me, his eyes wide and pleading. “We’ve got money. How much do you charge?”

They think I’m a hooker. Perfect.

With the other kid’s hand over my mouth, it’s not like I’m going to answer. I just glare at him.

“You’re going to want to let the girl go.”

I can’t see Alessandro, but there’s no mistaking the voice. The attention of the kid holding me snaps to his friend, who’s staring, wide-eyed, at where I’m sure Alessandro is standing, just around the corner of the alcove, out of my line of sight.

“Dude,” the blond kid says again to his friend without taking his eyes off Alessandro. “Let her go.”

He doesn’t. He presses the cigarette closer to my eye. “You’re going to want to mind your own fucking business, man.”

Alessandro steps into view, just a few feet from the blond kid, and, if looks could kill, the kid holding me would be vaporized. His face is dark and tight, his laser gaze trained on the kid with the cigarette. His hands twitch at his sides and he’s got that half-crazy look Lorenzo always had, like he’s coiled tight, ready to snap.

The blond splits a glance between Alessandro and his buddy, then takes off at a sprint. The dark-haired kid’s grip on me loosens as he watches his friend bolt. The momentary distraction is all I need. I bring my knee up hard into his crotch and he cries out and falls to his hands and knees, holding his junk. It only takes him a second to find his feet and he staggers off.

Alessandro steps into the alcove, the rage in his dark gaze giving way to panic. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine,” I spit. “I had things under control, you know? I didn’t need you to save me. I’ve never needed you to save me.”

He winces and I close my eyes against the unwelcome memory.

Alessandro holding me. Wiping my tears.

“I’ve never needed you,” I repeat, disgusted by the tears I feel pricking the backs of my eyes. I am not going to cry in front of him—or anyone—ever again.

He picks up my shoes and lays them on the sidewalk at my feet. “Let me take you home.”

I step into them and start walking, ignoring him as best I can. But I don’t stop him when he keeps stride with me.

I know I told Alessandro I didn’t need him, but I’m not sure it’s true. That whole thing shook me up—though I’ll never admit it to him. My heart is racing, and adrenaline is still pouring into my bloodstream. I force myself not to shake, or blow out a nervous breath, or show any signs of weakness as we walk the three blocks to the subway. We wait in silence for the D train, then climb on. It’s not until I stand to make the transfer at Columbus Circle twenty minutes later that I think to ask. “Where do you live?”

He follows me off the train onto the platform. “West Village.”

“You’re going the wrong way.”

The hint of a smile flits over lips that I’m just now realizing are full and red and perfect. “I know.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to know you’re safely home.”

I just stand here on the platform, staring at him, as the train whooshes past and disappears into the tunnel.

“Why?”

His eyes narrow with his confusion. “I just—”

“No. I mean . . . why all of it?” I say, flicking my wrist at him. “Why did you find me? Why did you agree to come out tonight? Why are you even bothering with me?”

He catches his lips between his teeth, thinking. Finally, he blows out a breath and scratches the back of his head. “You meant something to me, Hilary. You were important to me once. I just needed to know you were okay. I needed to see for myself.” He shakes his head. “You were never supposed to know I was here.”

God, I wish I didn’t know he was here. I narrow my eyes at him and spin for the stairs, feeling all my anger bubbling up and spilling over. How could he possibly think he could know how broken I am just by looking? I’ve spent eight years learning to hide it. “And am I? Do I have your stamp of approval?”

He stops me with a hand on my arm. “That’s not what I meant.” His voice is soft, and when I spin to face him, the look in his eye tugs at my heart—sends me eight years into my past. Tears press at the backs of my eyes again, and damn him.

“I’m going to catch the one,” I say, waving an arm up the concourse toward my train. “You should head back.”

His eyes scan me again, lingering over my legs. He bites the corner of his lower lip and looks up at my face. “I’d like to see you again sometime when we can talk.”

“You always wanted to talk,” I grumble opening my bag and rooting through it for a piece of gum. When I find one and look up at him, his expression is tight. Guarded.

He reaches up to scratch the back of his head . . . again. One of his childhood tells. So they’re not all gone. “There are a lot of things that need to be said.”

“When?”

His eyes flick over me again. “Let me buy you lunch. What’s your favorite restaurant?”

He wants to take me out? No one’s taken me out for a really long time. “Luigi’s.”

He nods. “I’ll meet you there at one.”

He keeps stride with me as we walk to my platform and my anger starts to ebb a little. When we get there, I look at him. “Thanks.”

His eyes widen a little, surprised, I guess, after my snippiness. “For what?”

I gesture vaguely at the platform. “This.”

His face darkens as his lips press into a line. “Don’t thank me, Hilary.”

The train comes and I climb on. The doors close and I watch Alessandro disappear as the train whisks me away. I settle into a seat near the door and lean my head back into the wall panel, closing my eyes.

I remember how everything changed for me with Alessandro. He was the first person in years who seemed to really care about me. He never hurt me. He kissed me on the mouth and he touched me so gently. He was sweet and tender . . . and I started to trust him. Then I started to need him.

And then he left.

I feel the sucking wound in my chest open up again as if it was just yesterday. As if I haven’t spent the last eight years forcing myself to forget it and move on.

But I have moved on. And I can never go back.

Chapter Six

LUIGI’S IS ALWAYS packed and there’s only, like, eight tables, but we luck into a party that had two of them stuck together just leaving, so we and the couple waiting ahead of us score seats near the window.

“So what are we talking about today?” I ask once we’re settled and the waiter has taken our drink order.

“You.”

I huff out a laugh. “Then it’s going to be a short conversation.”

He rubs his forehead, then leans on his elbows and looks at me with weary eyes. “I have been haunted for eight years, Hilary. There’s not a day that’s passed that I haven’t wondered about you.”

I feel my armor going back up and the claws coming out as I glare across the table at him. He has no idea what it means to be haunted. “I told you. I’m fine.”

“I have to know . . .” The skin around his eyes tightens but he doesn’t break my gaze. “Did Lorenzo rape you?”

I actually laugh out loud. “That’s what this is about? You think you owe me something to make up for your brother?”

He just looks at me, because I didn’t answer the question.

“No, Alessandro. He didn’t rape me.”

Over Alessandro’s shoulder, I see the woman sitting behind him turn and look at me.

“I know I can’t fix it if he did, but there are resources—”

“He didn’t rape me,” I say again, lower but more slowly so he’ll hear it. Lorenzo was never the problem. I didn’t care about him enough for him to have the power to really hurt me. I pick up the menu and flip it open, refusing to look the person who did in the eye. “Are we getting pizza or what?”

Alessandro blows out a sigh and the storm on his face subsides slowly. “What do you like?” he asks, and it feels ten degrees cooler when his laser-beam gaze lowers from me to his menu.

“Veggies, mostly. And pepperoni.”

The waiter comes back with our iced teas and sets them in front of us, and my eyes are drawn to Alessandro’s arms as he reaches across and takes my menu. As I follow the veins in his forearm, coursing over long, lean muscles to the rolled-up sleeve of his button-down, I catch myself envisioning that perfection all the way up, covered in a thin sheen of sweat as he punched the bag at the gym.

“Are you ready to order?” the waiter asks, snapping me from my fantasy.

Alessandro hands him our menus. “We’ll have a large veggie combo with pepperoni.”

The waiter scribbles on his pad, then takes the menus. “Salads?”

“Antipasto for two, I think,” he says with a questioning glance at me.

“Fine,” I say, squeezing lemon into my tea.

As I watch the waiter take our order to the computer and key it in, I feel Alessandro’s eyes on me again, but I’m not ready to look at him yet.

“I need to know what happened to you after we left,” he says, suddenly intense.

No you don’t. I narrow my eyes at him. “Why?”

There’s a long minute where he doesn’t answer.

“Listen, Alessandro, I know you have this whole major guilt thing happening,” I say, waving a hand in a circle at him, “but that’s not really my problem, you know? I’m seriously okay. Everybody has shit they need to deal with. I’ve dealt with mine. My life is really good. As a matter of fact, it’s great. So at this point, the only thing you could do to make my life better would be to score me a part on Broadway.”

His eyebrows go up. “Broadway . . . ?”

I twirl my straw in my tea. “I’m hoping to score a part in a musical. I have an amazing voice.”

A smile twitches his lips and a little of the tension that’s always there runs out of his shoulders. “I remember.”

I just stare at him as it all comes flooding back.

It was only a week after Lorenzo and Alessandro had shown up at the group home. We were all in the basement “rec room” where there was a radio and a TV with a broken Xbox. I was curled up on a sticky overstuffed chair and Lorenzo and Eric were sprawled on the sagging couch getting stoned. Two girls, Hannah and Trish, who were like sixteen I think, had smeared on heavy makeup with tons of eye shadow and liner and were doing a fashion show. They’d cranked the radio and were shimmying around to Beyonce’s “Naughty Girl,” stripping off clothes they’d bought at the Salvation Army store until they were all the way down to tiny bikinis. Lorenzo and Eric were watching and catcalling. I remember Alessandro sitting on the floor in the corner. He was doodling something on a pad of paper, but he was also watching.

The black one . . . Trish, I think . . . or maybe it was Hannah, told me to go put on my bikini, but I didn’t have one so I just shook my head.

“Dumb bitch,” she said, turning to the boys and grinding her hips in a circle.

“No guts no glory,” the other one said as she slid onto Eric’s lap.

I had guts, I just didn’t have a bikini, so I stood up and started belting out “Naughty Girl” with Beyonce like my life depended on it.

Looking back, it was pretty bad, but later that day, when were eating dinner, Alessandro slipped into the seat next to me, which he’d never done before. “You have a good voice,” he’d murmured, without looking at me.

They were the first words he ever said to me.

I look down at the table, pulling a napkin from the dispenser for something to do, pissed that he can make me feel this stupid with just two words. “Yeah, well . . . I’m better now.”

“You were exceptional then, so I can only imagine.”

I don’t know if he’s messing with me or not, but all of a sudden, I wish I hadn’t come here. I’ve spent the last week and a half pretending like his showing up out of nowhere didn’t shake me to my core—like it didn’t mater. I wish I could just forget that he ever came back. But I can’t.

Our waiter is back with the antipasto and two plates, which he puts at the edge of our table. “Your pie will be up in a few.” He tips his head at my glass. “More tea?”

“Yeah, sure,” I tell him, then watch as he goes to the counter for a pitcher. He’s back a moment later with a smile, filling my glass.

“I’m glad you know what you want and that you’re chasing your dream,” Alessandro says as the waiter retreats again, pulling my attention back to him.

I run a finger down a rivulet of sweat on my glass. “Problem is, it’s running way the hell faster than I am at the moment.”

The waiter scoots up to our table a few minutes later with a wire rack and a pizza tin, which he sets in the middle of the table. “Anything else I can get you?”

Alessandro lifts a questioning brow at me.

“No, thanks,” I answer, and the waiter shuffles off to clear the next table.

“But you’re getting auditions,” Alessandro says, spinning the tin so the spatula handle is facing me. “With all the aspiring actresses in the city, I’d think that wouldn’t be an easy feat.”

I shrug. “Only because of American Idol. I made it to Hollywood Week.”

He lifts an eyebrow at me. “I know.”

I squint at him. “You didn’t . . . ?”

He shrugs. “I didn’t see it real time, but I told you, I Googled you. The first search results for you are YouTube clips from American Idol.”

Why does it embarrass me that he’s seen that? I scoop a slice of pizza onto my plate. “So . . . how long are you staying in New York?” I ask, to steer the conversation away from me.

He helps himself to a slice. “I don’t intend to stay long.”

I take a bite of pizza and try to ignore the cold rush through my gut. I don’t want him to stay. When he leaves New York again, it will be a good thing. “So you just spend all your time stalking me?”

His eyes flash to mine. “No. I stalk other people too.”

“More ghosts?”

He flinches and lowers his gaze to his plate. “I spend as much time as I can at the Y with the kids.”

“You’re helping inner-city kids?”

He nods.

“Like you and Lorenzo.”

His intense gaze locks on mine. “I hope that I can help keep them from becoming like me and Lorenzo, yes.”

We eat in silence, but I can’t stop flashing him glances. There are things about him that haven’t changed at all, and there are other things that are so different. There are so many things I want to ask: Did he miss me after he left? Did he want to come back? He says he’s been haunted, but are the memories all bad?

Please don’t leave me.

I squeeze my eyes shut against the unbidden image.

“Are you okay, Hilary?”

Alessandro’s voice saying those words taps into that well of despair I’ve hidden away for so long. His just being here after all this time brings it closer to the surface.

“I’m fine,” I snip.

He tilts his head and looks at me for a long, uncomfortable second. “Of course.” It’s clear from his tone that he knows I’m lying, but he doesn’t press me on it. He pushes his plate away and nods at the last three slices of pizza. “Have you had enough?”

“I’m stuffed.”

He waves down he waiter for the check. Once he’s paid, he stands and slides my coat off the back of my chair, holding it open for me.

I grab it out of his hands. “I’m not three. I can put on my own jacket,” I say, shoving my arms through the sleeves.

He tips his head at me and shrugs on his black wool jacket, then escorts me out of the restaurant with a hand on the small of my back. I hate that the feel of his hand there makes me ache inside.

It’s a crisp, clear late October day, right on the edge of winter but not cold enough for snow yet. Dry leaves cling to the trees in the park across the street and the light breeze prods them loose a few at a time. I bundle my jacket around me and watch them flutter to the ground as we walk in silence toward the subway. Alessandro doesn’t break stride when I don’t turn for the stairs, and he never asks what we’re doing as we walk home slowly past the park. It’s a fifteen-minute subway ride . . . or a half hour walk back to my apartment. Picking my way through the street artists, hot-dog vendors, and tourists clogging the sidewalks keeps me from having to look at Alessandro, but for some reason, I’m not quite ready to be rid of him yet.

“I’ve been wanting to go to the Met again,” he finally says as we pass the Museum of Natural History. There’s scaffolding over the massive stone front of the building, but the ugliness of it doesn’t stop the tourists from snapping shots like paparazzi gone rabid.

“The museum?” I glance up and see him looking toward the park. The Metropolitan Museum of Art is a straight shot across the park from here—a twenty-minute walk from my apartment—and I’ve never been there.

He nods, turning his gaze back to the sidewalk unfolding in front of us. “Have you been?”

“No.” I’ve lived in the city all my life and I’ve never been most places.

His gaze flicks to me. “Are you free later this week? Or maybe next?”

“Um . . . maybe. I’m usually off Thursdays.”

“Would you be interested in going?”

“To the Met?”

He nods and a smile twitches his lips. “To the Met.”

“Is it expensive?”

He looks up from the sidewalk again. “My treat. And lunch too, if you can handle my company for that long.”

I scrunch my face at him. “How long will it take?”

“The museums are vast. We could spend as much or as little time there as you like.”

My face scrunches more. “Vast . . . I’m not sure I like the sound of that.”

He laughs and the sound takes me off guard as the memory of the last time I heard him laugh slams into me. We weren’t too far from here, in the middle of Central Park, near Bethesda Fountain, surrounded by butterflies.

“I promise not to bore you. We’ll hit the highlights,” he says, pulling me back to the here and now.

“How long will the highlights take?” I ask warily.

He looks at me and I’d swear he’s smirking a little. “Leave your afternoon open.”

We turn away from the park up Eighty-second Street toward my apartment.

“This is a nice neighborhood,” Alessandro says. Considering he’s hardly once looked up from the sidewalk, I’m not sure how he’d know.

I shrug even though he’s not looking. “My boyfriend can afford it. His family has money. It’s really his place.”

His pace stalls for a beat. “Boyfriend. You’re with someone.” It’s not a question, and there’s something in his tone that I can’t read.

“Brett. He’s an actor.”

He looks at me, his gaze suddenly intense, as if he’s about to recite the cure for cancer or something. “Does he make you happy?”

Again, he takes me off guard. Am I happy? I’m not unhappy. I kick a pebble in my path and it skitters onto the road, scaring a well-fed pigeon that’s pecking at something in the gutter. “Happy is all relative.”

“You deserve to be happy.” His voice is lower now, as if he said it more to himself than me. He looks up at Trinity Church, across the street, and something mournful passes over his face. He was going to be a priest and he gave it up for the love of a girl who doesn’t love him back. I wonder if that look is for her, or for what he gave up because of her.

We reach my door and I turn to him. “So, did we decide about the Met?”

He nods. “Thursday. Meet me there, at the main entrance? Noon?”

I should say no.

I should.

“Okay.” I unlock the door and slip through to find the elevator waiting. I push four and wave through the glass as the doors close.

And wonder what the hell I’m doing.

Chapter Seven

“SO, WHAT KIND of art do you like the best?” Alessandro asks over our salads.

Instead of going to the museum cafeteria, he insisted on this swanky café, complete with a smug maître d’ and hoity-toity waiters. I feel like I’m being judged.

“Is that a trick question?” I ask, stabbing a cherry tomato, which burps a slimy pile of tiny seeds onto the white tablecloth.

His fork stops halfway to his mouth. “You don’t like art at all, do you?”

I shrug. “Not really.”

“I shouldn’t have twisted your arm into coming here.” He keeps his voice neutral, but he can’t hide the disappointment in his eyes, and it makes me wonder about the other girl. The one he loved. Was she into art? Did they curl up in bed on rainy afternoons and have long conversations about things that I don’t even have names for? All I know about art is what I learned watching The Da Vinci Code.

The truth is, if anyone else had asked me to come here, I would have said no. But something deep inside me wanted a reason to see Alessandro again. Curiosity maybe? Part of me wants to hate him, but the truth is, even after everything, I’ve never been able to find hate anywhere in me for either Alessandro or his brother. Anger? Yes. I’ve been seriously pissed off for eight years and my anger has fueled me, made me stronger. But I never hated them. “What kind of art do you like?”

“Impressionism has never been my favorite, but I can appreciate almost anything.” His sharp edges have softened a little since we walked through the doors of the museum, like being here has somehow lifted the weight of the world off his shoulders.

“I remember you always doodling,” I say, tossing my salad with my fork to mix in the ranch dressing. I hate it when it’s all in a glob. “Do you still draw?” I glance up at him when he doesn’t answer right away.

“No. Not for a long time.” His gaze locks with mine and it’s like he’s trying to see into my thoughts. He never missed much, even as a kid, but I didn’t have nearly as much to hide then. I lower my eyes, afraid he’ll see too much.

I have a flash of an image . . . Alessandro in his usual corner of the rec room with his sketch pad, so quiet, watching as Lorenzo and Eric wrestled on the floor. His eyes kept flicking to me, where I sat on the saggy couch, painting my toenails.

That was the day after Lorenzo and I slept together. I didn’t want anyone looking at me, especially Alessandro, who always seemed to see everything, so I turned sideways on the couch with my back to him.

Lorenzo usually ignored me, but Alessandro always sat next to me at dinner. After the first time, when he told me I had a good voice, he never said anything and neither did I, but it wasn’t weird. He put the sketch pad on the table between us that night and I looked at it. The sketch was of a girl in a baggy T-shirt and rolled up jeans, with her frizzy black hair falling in her face. She was perched on the edge of a sagging couch painting her toenails. You could just make out the lines of her face in the shadows of her hair, and there was a tear coursing a crooked path down her cheek.

I hated that he paid enough attention to see that.

The waiter shows up with our food and clears our salads. When Alessandro assures him we don’t need anything else, he leaves.

“There are some things I missed last time I was here,” he says, lowering his eyes to his plate and cutting a wedge off his quiche with the side of his fork. “We could start in the nineteenth-century European section?”

“Yeah, sure,” I say as he chews, ’cause it’s all Greek to me. “You’re going to tell me what’s what, right? Because I’m pretty clueless about this stuff.”

He holds up a finger, and after he swallows, he says, “I’ll tell you as much as I know, but everything’s pretty well labeled.”

“If you say so.” I’m nervous. I’m not sure why, but I don’t want to seem like a total idiot in front of him.

“So, tell me about your sister,” he says and my stomach lurches.

“What about her?”

There’s an edge to my voice, and hearing it, his gaze lifts from his plate and questions me.

“She’s great,” I say, preempting his next question, which would be some version of “What’s wrong?” “She’s married to a great guy and they have two great kids and they’re great.”

“Boys or girls?”

“Boys.”

“And you’re their favorite aunt, I’m sure,” he says with half an amused smile.

Despite the knot in my stomach, I can’t help smiling back. “Something like that.”

“Do you enjoy children?”

“What do you mean?”

He lowers his fork to his plate. “I mean, are you a kid person? Do you want children of your own?”

“Hell, no!” I say, but then amend, “I mean, Henri and Max are fun, and I like hanging out with them, but I don’t want any of my own.”

He tips his head at me. “Why not?”

I shrug. “Some people just aren’t cut out to be parents, you know?”

He nods. “I struggle with that. I’m not convinced I’d make a good father, but I can’t deny the part of me that desperately wants a family—children of my own. Lots of them.”

I look down at my plate and twirl my pasta. “You need to find someone who feels the same way for that.”

“This is true.” He picks up his fork and his eyes study my face as he takes another bite. “Were you were happy living with your sister and her family?”

I relax a little. “Yeah. I was really happy there.”

“How long did you live with them?”

“I moved out about three years ago, when I was nineteen.”

“Did you go to college?”

What is this, twenty questions? “No,” I say a little defensively.

His gaze finds mine again. “Why not?”

“Because . . . I don’t know. I didn’t want to go right out of high school. I took a couple of community-college classes to keep Mallory off my back, but I really just wanted to act. And then American Idol happened and I started getting auditions and moved into the city and . . . I just never wanted to go.”

He holds my gaze. “No judgment, Hilary. I’m just curious.”

I look down as I twirl my pasta on my fork.

When we’re done and Alessandro pays, he leads me up to the second floor. There’s a long gallery with paintings on the walls and statues on pedestals. At each one, we stop and read the plaque that tells us what it is. Occasionally, he tells me things that aren’t on the plaque—like how the artist died, or who he trained with. He seems even more relaxed here than he did over lunch, and I realize, what walking in the rain does for me, art does for him.

About halfway down, we come to a painting that looks different from the others. It’s of a woman in a gold-yellow dress with black curly hair, sitting there staring off the canvas at us. She’s pretty in a sort of unique way and she looks like she wouldn’t take crap from anyone.

“Henri Regnault’s Salomé,” Alessandro says. “It’s one of the signature pieces of the Romantic movement.”

“I like it. She looks like she has her shit together.” My eyes flick to the plaque next to the painting and I run a finger under the artist’s name. “Henri . . . It’s spelled the same as my nephew. They named him after Jeff’s dad.”

“It’s the traditional French spelling, pronounced ehn-reh.”

“That sounded very French.”

“Oui, mademoiselle,” he says with a smile.

“That sounded very French too.”

“I lived in France after I left here,” he says, and that’s when I realize I don’t even know where Corsica is.

“So you speak French?”

“I do.”

“But I remember you had an accent before.” And, wow. I only just remembered that as I said it. But he did, just a little. It was the way certain words rolled off his tongue.

“I may have,” he says with a little bit of a cringe, like it embarrasses him. “Italian was my first language. My father was in the military and we lived in Italy until I was six. He spoke Italian to us in the home even after we came back to New York.”

“So you speak French and Italian. What else?”

He smiles. “English.”

I roll my eyes at him. “I mean what else?”

His smile turns to more of a smirk and he lifts his eyebrows at me. “That’s not enough?”

I shrug. “I guess. Say something in Italian.”

“Come sei bella,” he says, his smile softening.

“What did you say?”

“You are beautiful.”

I just stare at him for way too long before turning back to Salomé. “Why did you stop drawing?”

I hear him blow out a sigh, but I don’t turn away from the painting. “Things changed. I just didn’t feel . . . inspired. I lost my love of it, I suppose.”

“That’s too bad. You were good.” He saw things that others missed. He saw everything. And then he managed to put it on paper in a way that made it more real than it had been in the moment. Or, at least it felt that way.

The memory that flashes in my head makes me smile.

“What?” Alessandro asks, giving me a curious look.

“Do you remember that day in the park? It was right before you . . .” left, but I can’t make myself say it. “You were drawing me and I grabbed your sketch pad and ran away, and I ran into that totally lame mime guy near the fountain, who kept doing—”

“—trapped in a box,” he finishes for me with a smile and a small shake of his head.

“Yeah. And he got pissed and started cussing me out and then all those little orange-and-black butterflies came, and like, swarmed us.”

“We never did figure out what kind of butterflies those were,” he muses with distant eyes, still smiling.

“It was pretty cool, though. I’d never seen more than one or two butterflies in the park before that.” I remember Alessandro pulling me against him and laughing as they fluttered all around us. And I remember feeling free in a way I never had before, like I was one of them, fluttering above the ground, light as air. I could go anywhere. Be anything. The feeling made me dizzy. Alessandro made me dizzy. I think that’s the second I knew I loved him, because in anybody else’s arms, I felt trapped, but in his, I felt free.

We spend the next two hours in the European painting galleries, looking at super old paintings that seem to be mostly Italian and French, and Alessandro answers all my questions. He gets pretty excited when I ask something, his hands working as he answers, so without even meaning to, I find myself asking a lot. I love watching those hands. But it’s more than that. It’s like his enthusiasm is contagious, because I’m surprisingly non-bored.

We find ourselves in the main stairwell at the end of the rambling galleries and he looks at me a long moment. “You’ve had enough, haven’t you?”

I glance back over my shoulder. “That was actually pretty cool.”

He smiles softly and guides me to the staircase with a hand on my back. “I can see this really isn’t your thing. What do you like to do?”

I shrug as we start slowly down the stairs. “I don’t know. Nothing, really.”

He flashes me a glance. “You must have a favorite place in the city . . . somewhere that’s special to you.”

I shrug again. “I kind of like Central Park . . . and I went to Coney Island once when I was a kid.” Mallory’s dad took pity on me once and brought me with them.

“Coney Island,” he repeats. “What about the Statue of Liberty, or the Empire State Building?”

“Never been,” I answer.

“The Museum of Natural History?” he says with a wave toward the park as we reach the ground floor.

“Nope?”

He stops walking and just stares at me. “We need to fix this.”

“I’m not broken.”

His mouth presses into a line. “I didn’t say you, I said this. You’re off on Thursdays?”

“Usually.”

“So, Thursday will be our day to discover the city.”

“I’m pretty sure the city’s already been discovered by the, you know, eight million people who live here.”

“So, here’s the challenge. Every Thursday we’ll find someplace that most of them don’t know about.”

I lift my eyebrows at him. “The undiscovered New York City?”

He nods. “The gems that no one else sees.” He turns and starts walking toward the main doors. “And it’s your turn.”

“I don’t think this counts as undiscovered,” I say, gesturing at the hundreds of people milling around the exhibits.

We shrug on our jackets and I pull my gloves from my pocket as he holds open the door for me. Cold air slaps me in the face as I brush past him on my way out. And mmm . . . he smells like that tangy, spicy cologne that I remember from Club 69.

“Maybe not, but it’s still your turn,” he says in my ear as I pass. His accent is so faint, but it’s there, making his voice purr.

He catches up and we start across the park.

I watch my breath billow in white clouds that break up when I walk through them, and think about where I want to go. “So, I can choose anything?”

He nods. “Anything you haven’t seen already.”

“Well, that doesn’t rule much out . . . unless you had your heart set on the Theater District or Coney Island.”

He smiles. “I’ve already been.”

“Anything,” I say again. I look up as we weave through a group of kids in costumes, moving toward Fifth Avenue. And that’s when I remember it’s Halloween. “Shit!” I yank my phone out of my pocket and check the time. Five.

“What is it?” Alessandro asks, alarmed.

“It’s Halloween. I promised to take Henri and Max trick-or-treating. I’ve got to go!” I bolt across the park for the nearest subway stop, leaving him standing there, staring after me.

I’D PROMISED TO be here by six, but it’s after seven when I sprint up Mallory’s front steps. I ring and Mallory comes to the door with a big smile and a bowl of candy. Her red mane is pulled back in a sloppy ponytail and she’s got a headband on with black cat’s ears. There are messy whiskers drawn on her face with eyeliner. Henri’s handiwork, no doubt.

“Are they ready?” I pant.

Mallory’s smile vanishes the second she sees me. “They’ve been ready for over an hour, Hilary. They’ve been waiting. Jeff just got home from work and took them.”

“Damn!” I’ve been looking forward to this for a month and I blew it.

Mallory moves out of the way and I step through the door. “Don’t worry. They’re used to it,” she says, setting the candy bowl on the hall table and moving into the family room. She drops onto the couch and clicks the TiVo button.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” It pisses me off when she says stuff like that.

Her eyes flick to me. “You’re not the most reliable person, Hilary.”

“I was at the Met and I forgot it was Halloween.”

Her eyebrows shoot into her hairline. “You? At the Met? Who were you with?”

I shrug. “Just a guy.”

A slow smile curves her lips. “A guy got you to go to the Met? I want to meet this guy.”

No, she doesn’t. I move to the kitchen and pull a Diet Coke out of the fridge. “You want anything?” I ask from the door.

“Yeah,” she says as the doorbell rings. “Grab me one of those.”

She pushes the TiVo button again, pausing the TV, then goes to the door while I bring her Coke to the family room and sit. I hear talking and giggling at the door as she hands the candy out. A minute later, she’s back, flopping onto the other side of the couch. “So, is this guy . . . I mean, what’s going on with you and Brett?”

Damn. I was hoping we’d changed the subject. “Brett and I are the same. He’s just a guy I know.”

“Who is he?” she presses.

I blow out a sigh. “No one, Mallory.”

Her face changes in a split second from suggestively amused to wary.

“What?”

“Who is he?” She’s not joking around anymore. She’s always been overprotective, and that hasn’t changed just because I moved out.

“Someone from before.”

“Before?” she says slowly.

I take a sip of Diet Coke and reach for the remote, unpausing the TV. “He’s from the group home.”

For a long time, Mallory says nothing. I don’t look at her. Finally, she clears her throat and says. “I don’t think you should spend time with him. I don’t think it’s good for you.”

I still don’t look at her as all my insides pull into a tight knot. “I’m fine, Mallory. It’s really not a big deal.”

She tugs my arm, forcing me to look at her. She just stares into my eyes for a really long time before saying, “Is he the one?”

“It doesn’t matter. He’s dif—”

“Of course it matters!” she erupts. “You can’t be around those people. I forbid you to see him anymore.”

I bark out a bitter laugh and spring out of the couch, spilling my Diet Coke. “Are you serious? I’m twenty-two years old. You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore.”

I go to the kitchen for a paper towel, leaving her stewing on the couch. When I come back and start soaking the few drops of Coke out of the carpet, she says, “I’m sorry, Hilary. I just . . . you don’t think he wants back into your life?”

“He has some major guilt issues. He wanted to apologize.”

She blows out a laugh. “Like he could ever apologize.”

I sit back down. “I think he means it. He’s changed. A lot.”

Her lips purse. “I still don’t like it.”

The door bursts open and Henri comes charging through in a Transformers costume with a weighted-down pillowcase in his hand. Max trails behind with his dad, wearing some green costume that doesn’t look even remotely familiar to me.

“Hey, guys!”

“Auntie!” Henri squeals and launches himself at me. “I’m Maximus Prime!”

“Are there any Decepticons out there?” I ask, tickling his side.

“Don’t worry, Auntie! I’ll protect you,” he giggles, pulling away and puffing out his chest.

“I’m counting on it, buddy,” I tell him. “Hi, Jeff,” I say as he gives Henri’s black mop a ruffle on his way past.

“Sorry we left without you,” he says, and unlike Mallory, there’s no accusation in his tone. “The boys were chomping at the bit.”

Henri drops to the floor and dumps the contents of his pillowcase onto the carpet while Max climbs onto the couch between his parents and opens his.

“Anything good in there?” I ask, coming over and peeking in.

“You want a Charleston Chew?” he asks, pulling one out.

“Sure,” I say, taking it from his hand. “What’s your costume?”

“A Creeper,” he answers, digging in his bag again.

The doorbell rings and Mallory goes to get it. I look the question at Jeff.

“From Minecraft,” he clarifies. “Creepers are one of the monsters in the game.”

“They’re made out of TNT! They hiss and explode!” Henri volunteers through a mouthful of something blue.

Max hands Jeff a fun-sized Snickers, which he tears open as Mallory comes back into the family room. “Hilary was late because she was out with someone,” she tells Jeff, “from before.” The way she says the word leaves no doubt what “before” she’s referring to. Her lips purse and her eyes tighten a little when Jeff doesn’t respond by dragging me off to the bedroom and lecturing me. “I told her I didn’t think it was a good idea,” she presses.

Jeff splits a glance between us. “She’s all grown up, Mallory. I don’t think we have any say in who she sees.”

I totally love Jeff. If he wasn’t already married to my sister, I might actually consider marrying him.

Henri hops up and climbs into Mallory’s lap with a candy necklace in his hand. He loops it over her head and I can tell he’s already been sucking on it by the way it sticks to her hair. “You look pretty, Mommy,” he tells her, admiring the necklace.

She pulls him close and kisses his forehead. “Thank you, baby.” He squirms, trying to get back to his stash on the carpet, but she doesn’t let him go right away. “I don’t like it,” she says, her eyes locked on me. And I know this isn’t the end of the discussion.

Chapter Eight

IT’S THE FIRST of the month. I go on the first of every month like clockwork so she knows what to expect. Mom doesn’t do great with surprises.

As I climb onto the 9:48 train at Grand Central for the long trek to Bedford Hills, I’m still thinking about what there is in New York City that’s worth seeing. When the train surfaces at Ninety-seventh, I lean my forehead into the window and watch as the city rolls by, hoping that something will catch my eye . . . maybe there’ll be a big flashing sign that says, “You’ve got to see this thing right here that no one else knows about because it’s really cool.”

I don’t see any signs like that, and then we’re in the country: rolling hills and leafless brown trees for as far as the eye can see. I sink deeper into my seat and close my eyes. I have to get up early for these trips. It takes forever to get there and back, and if I’m going to bother at all, it feels like I need to spend at least an hour there, so it’s an all-day thing, for the most part. And I need to be back for work at five.

An hour later I stumble off the train in Bedford Hills. It’s about a mile from the station to the correctional facility and I could catch a cab if I could find one, but, unless the weather’s totally nasty, I usually walk. It takes about a half hour and helps me clear my head before Mom clogs it up again.

When I get to the visitor entrance I tell them, “Hilary McIntyre, here to see Roseanne McIntyre.”

I jump through all the hoops: store my bag in the lockers, walk through the metal detector, sign in, show my ID, sign the paper that says I don’t have any contraband on me and I agree to be searched, then wait.

Mom has to agree to see me.

Ten minutes later they tell me I’m good to go and let me into the visitor room. I take one of the dollars I kept in my pocket to the vending machine and buy an Oh Henry! then find a spot at an empty table near the back of the room.

When she comes through the door, she shuffles over to my table in an orange jumpsuit that hangs off her. She literally drops into the chair across from me, like the act of sitting down takes too much effort. Her cheeks are hollow caves, her skin is patchy and dry, and her long red hair is in a messy, low ponytail with stringy strands hanging loose into her sunken, dull green eyes. I swear every time I see her, she looks five years older. She’s not even fifty yet, but she could pass for one hundred.

Or maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s because, in my head, I always see her how she was before she killed that guy and got sent here.

She reaches for the Oh Henry! and peels back the wrapper, biting off a hunk and glancing deliberately at the caged clock on the wall. “You made it,” she rasps in her smoker’s voice.

It’s always the first thing she says, like I’ve kept her waiting.

“Yep.”

She swallows and bites another hunk off the candy bar. A little piece of chocolate sticks to the corner of her mouth and starts to melt. “So how’s McDermott’s?”

Always the second thing she asks. I think maybe she used to go there.

“Good. Jerry is behaving himself for now.”

She crams the last bite in her mouth. “Tips good?”

Always the third thing.

I shrug. “Up and down. Seems like people are getting cheaper. Weekends are usually decent.”

“How is that sister of yours?”

And, always number four.

“She’s good.”

“Still married?”

I slouch deeper into my chair. “She hasn’t gotten divorced in the month since I saw you, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“And Harry and Max?”

Every.

Freaking.

Time.

Considering her favorite candy bar is Oh Henry! you’d think she’d be able to remember her grandson’s name. “Henri, not Harry, and they’re good too. Getting big. Halloween was last night. They were adorable.”

She frowns, which really isn’t all that different from her usual expression. “I’d know that if I ever saw them.”

“Yeah, well . . .” It’s the same guilt trip I get every time I come, like it’s somehow my fault Mallory’s never comes to see Mom. I don’t tell Mallory when I’m coming because she forbade me to see Mom when I was living with her. I doubt she’d feel different now. She told me a long time ago to forget about Mom. Mallory blames Mom for everything that happened to me at the group home and after. So do I, I guess, but there’s no changing it, so I don’t see the point in holding a grudge.

The truth is, I know it’s probably a waste of time coming here. I know I shouldn’t bother. I mean, it’s not like Mom ever really bothered with me. I was just an inconvenience most of the time. I don’t know if she wanted me or not, but once she got me, she didn’t really seem to care one way or the other. Indifference smarts, coming from the one person who’s supposed to love you unconditionally.

But for better or for worse, she’s my mom—the only parent I’ve ever had. So even though a big part of me is screaming that I should forget about her, there’s a smaller voice that comes from somewhere in my DNA compelling me to keep digging for something deeper—like if I try hard enough, maybe she’ll love me despite herself.

Mom leans forward, resting her elbows on the table, and splays both hands across her face to hold her head up, like it suddenly weighs a thousand pounds. “You should make like your sister and steer clear of me. I was never any good for you girls.”

I squirm a little in my seat, uncomfortable with Mom’s rare moment of honesty. I’m so used to her shifting blame that I don’t know what to say when she finally accepts some. “You did the best you could, Mom.”

She lifts her eyes but not her head and looks at me from under her stringy hair. “Wasn’t good enough.”

I shrug. “We turned out okay.” For the most part.

She pulls her head out of her hands and looks at me for a long second, as if finally realizing maybe it’s true. Her face looks younger all of a sudden, less haggard, as she straightens her arm and brushes her bony fingers across the back of my hand. “I guess so. You’re a pretty good kid, aren’t you? Maybe I didn’t screw up too bad after all.”

I don’t even know what to say. For some unexplained reason, a wet lump forms in the back of my throat. It’s not like she said she loved me, so why does it feel that way?

A tired smile pulls at her mouth as she draws her hand back. “So, if that’s true, when are you gonna find a man?”

And just like that, the moment is gone and we’re back on track.

I take a deep breath and swallow. “I’m still living with Brett. It’s been almost a year.”

“The model?” she says, her eyebrows rising.

“He’s an actor, Mom. On Broadway. Not a model.”

“But you don’t got no picture,” she says with a skeptical squint. I’m pretty sure she thinks Brett is a figment of my imagination. Somehow it’s not real if she can’t see proof.

“You know they take my phone. I can’t bring it in here.”

She crumples the Oh Henry! wrapper and shoots it basketball style at the trash can in the corner. It misses by a mile and uncrumples itself on the cement floor. “What about cigarettes? Did you bring me any?”

This is the part of the program where she gets in all her jabs to remind me what a shitty kid I am.

“You know we’re not allowed to bring those in either.”

She frowns deeper. “You’d have snuck some in if you loved me.”

Who said I loved you?

The thought springs out of my mind like some demented jack-in-the-box. The scary-clown kind that gives little kids nightmares.

In Mom’s defense, I’ve never told her about anything that happened to me after she got her sorry ass thrown in jail. Maybe that’s why, despite everything, I don’t mind coming here. She never gives me that look I get from Mallory—the one that reminds me she knows all my shit and she feels sorry for me.

“Are they keeping you busy?” I ask, just for something to say.

“Oh, yeah.” She makes a big production of rolling her eyes. “Big trip planned for tomorrow. I’m walking the runway in Paris, then shopping in Monte Carlo.”

I slouch in my chair and fold my arms across my chest. “Sorry.”

We sit in silence for the next fifteen minutes, and the visitor room starts to fill up. The chatter gets louder by the second, which only punctuates our silence.

“You want another candy bar?” I finally ask.

She shrugs.

I get up and buy her two. I come back and drop them on the table, then we sit in silence for another fifteen minutes while she eats them.

“So, I gotta go, but I’ll see you next month,” I tell her when she’s done.

She stands and turns for the door, and I pull myself out of my seat as the guard opens it for her. But just before she disappears through it, she glances at me over her shoulder. “Bye, Hilary.”

The lump is my throat is back. I can’t remember the last time she called me by my name. And the look in her eyes when she said it . . . like it was the saddest word known to man . . .

I head back through security and collect my bag, looking forward to the walk back to the train station.

“WHERE YOU BEEN?” Brett asks when I come through the door. He’s on the couch slipping on his shoes.

I peel off my jacket. “The same place I always am on the first of the month.”

He just looks at me for a minute, then understanding dawns. “Your mom.”

I nod.

“Crazy as ever?” he asks with a smirk.

“She’s not crazy,” I say. Ever since I told Brett about Mom, he keeps thinking she’s in some mental institution or something. “She’s incarcerated.”

He shrugs, then scoops up his gym bag and stands, hiking it onto his shoulder. “So, I heard from Tim about that audition.”

I look up from where I was hanging my jacket on the peg near the door. “And?”

“They’re replacing the pregnant chick after the first of the year, so they’re auditioning the first week in December.”

My heart sinks as I step deeper into the room. “That’s over a month away.”

“Chill, Hilary. I’ve got a good feeling about this one.” He squeezes my ass on his way to the door. “Wish I had time for a quickie.”

Something in my gut squirms in a not-so-good way and I slap his hand away.

He grins and pulls the door open. “See you after the show. Your ticket’s on the counter.”

Shit! I totally forgot it’s opening night. Guess my mind has been elsewhere for the last few weeks. “Great. I’ll see you down there. Break a leg.”

He grins over his shoulder and swings the door shut.

I move to the kitchen and pull my phone out of my pocket, dialing the bar.

“Yo!” Jerry yells into the receiver.

“Hey, Jerry. It’s Hilary.”

“Don’t you dare bag out on me,” he warns.

“I’m hacking up a lung here, Jerry,” I lie, barking out a cough. “You seriously don’t want me there.” I need the money, so it’s almost never that I do this. I can’t believe I forgot to ask for the night off.

“You better get your ass better before tomorrow. I need you this weekend.”

“I’ll find some drugs. I’ll be fine.”

He hangs up without another word.

I shower and pull Brett’s favorite dress out of the closet. It’s a black backless number with an asymmetrical hem. The last time I wore it, we had sex in the back of the cab on the ride uptown from closing night of Brett’s last show. I think about wearing no underwear in case he’s planning a repeat performance, but that uncomfortable tightening in my stomach is there again at the thought.

I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with me.

I pull on a black lace thong and slip the dress over my head, then turn and look in the mirror. This dress is perfect with my butterflies. They’re a slash of color that sweeps up from the waist at the lower right and disappears behind the strap at the top left. I don’t even need any jewelry. “Yep, baby,” I tell the mirror as I adjust the neckline. “You still got it.”

I smooth my kinks back into a loose bun and twist a few corkscrews down the side of my face, blend on some blush, and brush on some mascara, but just as I’m slipping on my shoes, the buzzer sounds for the door downstairs. I go to the intercom. “Yeah?”

“It’s Alessandro.” Mmm . . . that accent. But what the hell’s he doing here?

I press the button for the door latch. “Wait there. I’m coming down.” I grab my bag and my coat, and head for the elevator.

When the door opens on one, I find Alessandro standing just inside the front door. “I thought you might be missing these,” he says, holding up my gloves. “You dropped them when you ran screaming from my company yesterday.”

I take them from his hand. “You did not come all the way uptown to give these to me.”

He shrugs with half a smile. “I was in the neighborhood.” I smile at his repeating my words from the Y back to me, but then his eyes scan down the front of me and there’s something burning in them when they find my face again. “I shouldn’t have bothered you. You’re obviously on your way somewhere.”

“My boyfriend’s show opens tonight.”

His jaw tightens and something flashes in his eyes, but then he holds out his hand. “Let me help with your coat.”

I hesitate, but then hand it to him and turn. There’s a pause before he slides it on and I can almost feel his eyes sweep over my bare back. Something tingles in the same spot that was squirming a little while ago when Brett touched me.

He clears his throat as I turn to face him and pull on my gloves. “Thanks.”

“Let me walk you to the subway.” He places one of those sexy hands on my low back and that tingle is there in my belly again as he guides me to the door.

I shut it down. I can’t want him like that.

I bundle my jacket around me and we walk the three blocks to the subway.

“Have you thought about Thursday?” he asks.

“I’ve thought about it.”

There’s a pause as he waits for me to elaborate. “Any decisions?” he finally asks.

“No,” I say without looking at him.

“You’re not very talkative tonight.”

I keep my eyes on the sidewalk. “Am I ever?”

He doesn’t respond.

We funnel down the stairs into the subway and just make it onto the train before the doors close. I grab the pole near the door and Alessandro steps up behind me, reaching for the bar over my head. “If I make you uncomfortable, Hilary, I’ll go away,” he says low in my ear.

I turn and look at him then, because that spot in my gut tingles again. “Honestly, I don’t know what you make me. But, no. I don’t want you to go away.”

He catches the corner of his bottom lip between his teeth and his eyes cloud. “I really should leave you alone.”

I don’t know what he wants me to say. He’s right, of course. He makes me feel like that girl again—weak and vulnerable. I can’t be her anymore. I should have told him to go away when he first showed up. I turn and grasp the pole with my back to him. “Probably.”

As we sway with the movement of the train, Alessandro’s body brushes against mine, and by the time we stop at Fiftieth, he’s pressed tight against me. I don’t know whether it’s that I’ve shifted back into him, or he’s leaning forward into me, but whatever it is, what I do know is neither of us is breathing. There’s a palpable charge, like static electricity, with every subtle shift of his body against mine, and when the doors slide open, neither of us moves for a several beats of my pounding heart.

Finally, I have no choice.

“Hilary,” he says as I step away from him onto the platform, and that one word sounds like a prayer. I turn and his expression is guarded. He looks at me with pleading eyes, like there’s something more than my name he wanted me to hear. Like he just poured his heart out and he’s waiting for some response. But before I can figure out what those deep eyes are asking, the doors close, and a second later, he’s whisked off through the tunnel.

Something deep inside me aches as I stand here watching after him, but I can’t ache for Alessandro. Not like this.

THE THEATER IS packed and the air is electric with opening-night anticipation. I feel myself getting jazzed just being here, and I’m not even in the show. I envy Brett so much right now.

I find my seat just as the house lights flicker their warning, and a few minutes later, the first chords of the opening number erupt out of the orchestra pit. When Brett hits the stage a few minutes later, every female eye is trained on him.

Damn, he’s good.

I laugh along with everyone else at the funny parts, and dab at my eyes along with everyone else when that one kid dies. And the older woman on my right actually gasps near the end when Brett strips.

I don’t blame her. He’s spectacular.

And he’s mine.

I smile as the familiar ache settles in my groin at the thought, and I’m relieved that, this time, I’m aching for the right guy. I can’t wait to get him home so I can give him his own private ovation. I don’t know what the hell that was, earlier with Alessandro, but I am so back.

Chapter Nine

“JUST REMEMBER, YOU’RE the one who said anywhere,” I tell Alessandro as we slide into seats at Argo Tea in Columbus Circle.

He gazes at me with cautious eyes from his seat across the table. “I’m intrigued to see what you’ve chosen.”

“I heard it was reopening and I haven’t been there and I’ve been wanting to go, so . . .” I shrug.

He nods. “Then it’s the perfect place.”

“How long are you staying?” The question comes to me totally out of the blue and I have to take a second to figure out exactly what I mean by it.

Alessandro’s eyes scrunch in confusion. “In New York?” he asks after a second.

Yep, I realize when he asks. That’s what I meant. “Yeah.”

“As long as it takes to sort things out.”

“Your ghosts,” I say.

He lowers his gaze to his coffee cup. “I shouldn’t have called you a ghost, but you have to understand, I’ve been haunted by my past for so long . . . by what I’ve done to innocent people . . .” His eyes lift to me again. “ . . . including you.”

“So why would you want to come back here, then? Wouldn’t it be easier to just stay away?”

He breathes deeply and swirls his coffee. “I came to New York for a lot of reasons. I’ve spent some time at the World Trade Center memorial, finally grieving my father. His name is on the north-tower pool.” His distant gaze drifts back to mine. “But I also needed to sort fact from fiction in my head. I’ve walked this city—from our house, to the lot where Lorenzo’s gang squatted, to my old school, where I dealt to kids—hoping if I saw it through the eyes of an adult, it would put things in better perspective and I could lay some demons to rest.”

“And have you?”

His eyes find mine and there’s despair in their depths. “Some of them didn’t turn out to be as easy to put to rest as I’d hoped.”

Is that me? Or his family?

“You never really told me about your father. Just that he worked at the World Trade Center.”

He nods. “He was assistant chef at Windows on the World, at the top of the north tower.”

“So he was at work that morning?” I was only nine, but I remember. We lived in Alphabet City, so not super close to the World Trade Center, but close enough. I remember how everything shut down, like a ghost town, except for the military. There were some people in the streets during the day, but at night, it was quiet. Too quiet. It felt like a war zone, and in some ways it was, I guess. Mallory was sixteen then—a junior in high school. She wouldn’t let me leave the house for the first week. The truth is, I didn’t want to. I’d never been so scared. I spent the week sleeping in her double bed with her. Mom spent that week drunk on the couch, watching the news and mumbling that we should bomb the fuckers. Little by little, stores and schools started reopening and we ventured out again. And little by little, everyone got back to their lives. But I’ve never gone to the WTC site. Even still.

Alessandro takes a deep breath and blows it out. I can tell it’s still hard for him to talk about. “He always went in early to oversee the prep work. He walked with Lorenzo and me to the subway when we left for school that morning, and that was the last we ever saw of him.”

“Wow . . . I don’t even know what to say.”

“There’s really nothing to say.” He gives his head a small shake. “He was just gone. They never recovered his body.”

“That must have been pretty rough.”

He swirls his coffee again and I’m deciding that’s his new tell. “My father was the cement that held our family together. When he died, it devastated our mother. She spent weeks posting signs and scouring the city, thinking maybe he was injured or unconscious—that he had been taken to a hospital or . . .” He trails off, his jaw tight. “It took a long time for her to accept he was gone, and then she just curled up in bed and stopped living.”

So it was both of our mothers vanishing that landed us in the group home together, mine to jail and his into her own mind. “I’m really sorry, Alessandro.”

He looks up at me. “You know the rest. Lorenzo and I started getting into trouble and ended up in juvie, then in the group home.”

“Where you found more ghosts.”

He winces a little. “Please, Hilary, forget I said that. You were the only ray of sunshine in that whole nightmare.”

My stomach kicks. I’ve been called a lot of things, but I’m pretty sure a ray of sunshine isn’t one of them. I down the last of my tea in one shot. This is getting way too uncomfortable. “You ready?”

He finishes his coffee and stands, pulling out my chair.

We hop on the F train and transfer at Fourteenth Street to the L, and the whole time Alessandro keeps cutting me glances, like he thinks I might give something away. But he doesn’t ask where we’re going. I stand at the first Williamsburg stop and he follows me off the train. We come up out of the subway into bright winter sun and I spin a circle to get my bearings, then head down North Seventh. Alessandro keeps stride. His eyes flick around as if he’s trying to spot where we’re going, but he still doesn’t ask. It’s like he wants to be surprised.

I’m pretty sure he’ll be surprised.

We turn right and finally come to Metropolitan Avenue, and on the side of a yellow awning on a storefront half a block up on the right, I see it. Museum.

It’s a red brick building with glass display windows on either side of a white door. City Reliquary is in white script across the front of the awning. I stop in front of the building and Alessandro looks at me curiously, like he’s still waiting to see where we’re going.

But we’re here.

I tip my head at the storefront window next to us and he follows my gaze. He turns and looks over the vintage lunch-box display there.

A smile breaks across his face—the first one I’ve seen actually reach his eyes—as he realizes what this is. “This is brilliant.”

He reaches for the door handle and opens it, giving me an “after you” wave of his hand. I’ll never admit it out loud, but I kind of like all this chivalry. No one else has ever helped me on with my coat, or held doors, or pulled out chairs for me before.

We step under a two-foot-long model of the Staten Island Ferry over the door into a gift shop at the front of the museum. I smile as I walk past a shelf of whoopee cushions, marbles, and jacks. I love this vintage stuff.

Alessandro stops me at a mound of rubber cockroaches, picking one up and wiggling it in my face, and it’s as though eight years have slipped away. He’s grinning ear to ear, and in that boyish gesture, I see the boy I knew so long ago.

“Get that thing out of my face,” I say, swatting it away.

He laughs and drops it back in the mound, moving to the rack of old-fashioned hard candy. “This place is a gold mine.”

I step up to the counter. “Two for the museum,” I tell the older woman standing there.

“You can just place your donation here,” she says, laying a hand on a wooden box with a sign that says, “suggested donation $5.” I slip a ten into the box and she hands me a folded brochure. “It’s all pretty self explanatory, but this will tell you all you need to know,” she says.

I take it from her and spread it open. “Thanks.”

I grab Alessandro by the arm on the way to the turnstile that leads to the museum, and he bends his elbow to keep me from letting go. I don’t try. Something’s shifted between us. It’s like him telling me everything over coffee has freed something inside him. The dark curtain isn’t gone, but it’s thinner. I can almost start to see through it.

We step into the museum and to the left is an entire newsstand, just like it would look on the street.

“This is so cool,” I say swinging us that direction to get a closer look. I peek at the brochure. “This stand was in Chinatown for thirty years. Those are hand-drawn advertisements on the wooden walls,” I tell Alessandro, pointing at them. “And the guy who owned this stand called that the ‘guest of honor chair,’ ” I say, indicating the chair in the middle, “because that’s where people would sit while he sketched them.”

Alessandro leans in to get a closer look at the drawings, and I wonder if he misses drawing himself.

After a few minutes of gawking, we move up the wall to the World’s Fair exhibit. There are knickknacks from both the 1939 and the 1964 World’s Fairs. I pull out a drawer in the display under a Jim Beam bottle from the 1964 fair and find a few tickets under glass. “This is so cool,” I say, and realized I said that at the last booth. I look up to find an amused glint in Alessandro’s eyes. “Well, it is!”

“That it is,” he agrees, pulling open the next drawer and revealing an old license plate.

I glance at my brochure. “That’s off an old World’s Fair fire truck.”

We move slowly past a wall of Brooklyn Dodgers paraphernalia to a vintage barbershop.

“This is so cool,” Alessandro says, only barely containing the chuckle in his voice.

I rip my hand off his arm and smack him with it. “Shut up.”

We continue to move around the room, examining every exhibit, finally spilling back into the gift shop.

“This is a mandatory purchase,” he says, plucking up a cockroach from the stack.

I pick one up and look at it. “This could be useful if I want to close the bar down early.”

We move to the woman at the counter, and Alessandro reaches for my cockroach as he steps up to the register.

I yank it back. “You are not buying this bug for me. This is my day. My turn to pay.” I shove him aside. “Two cockroaches,” I say to the woman.

She smiles as she keys them into the old-fashioned register. “They’re actually Croton bugs.”

“What’s a Croton bug?” I ask, handing her a crumpled bill from the bottom of my bag.

She looks up at me and grins. “A cockroach.”

She makes my change, and as she’s handing it back, I feel something tickle my neck. I lift my hand, then scream and slap at it when I feel a giant bug.

Alessandro laughs out loud as his cockroach flies off me onto the floor.

“You bastard,” I growl, shoving him.

He picks his cockroach up and grins at me. “If I knew that’s all it took to get a rise out of you, I’d have stuck one in your tea a long time ago.”

“If I find that fucking thing in my tea,” I grumble, pushing him toward the door, “I swear to God, I will cram it up your nose.”

He smiles and drops his bug in my hair.

I claw it out as we stumble through the door onto the sidewalk. “You’re worse than my nephews. You’re not getting it back if all you’re going to do is torment me with it.”

He shrugs a shoulder. “You paid for it. It’s yours anyway.”

I spin on him, pocketing his cockroach. “So I’m never allowed to buy you anything? Isn’t that sort of sexist?”

“Au contraire. I let you buy my ticket to this fine establishment,” he says with a semi-smirk, waving his hand at the museum.

“It wasn’t a ticket. I made a donation in your name. And you’re going to let me buy you dinner too,” I say, turning my back on him and starting toward the pizza place in the next storefront over.

“Let me cook for you,” he says from behind me.

I turn and find him right where I left him, near the door of the museum.

“You cook?”

“I do. Let me show you.”

This, I’ve got to see. I catch myself wondering if his cooking is like Brett’s: mac and cheese out of a box, or spaghetti with sauce from a jar. He said his dad was a chef, but he was young then. I doubt that’s where he learned.

“Fine,” I say, marching back past him and the museum, toward the subway.

I DROP HIS cockroach down the front of his button-down as we’re sitting on the train back to Manhattan, and catch a glimpse of his abs when he opens his jacket and shakes his shirt to let it drop out.

And . . . wow.

Brett has a great body, which he works at constantly. When he’s not at rehearsal or a performance, he’s at the gym. I wonder if Alessandro is a gym rat too.

We ride the L to Eighth Avenue and climb the stairs to the street. But we’re not halfway up the stairs when I feel something fall into my cleavage from my shoulder. I press my hand between my boobs to keep it from falling farther down my shirt and fish his cockroach out of my bra.

He stops and watches with a grin plastered to his face. “Well, that worked out better than I could have hoped.”

“Very mature.” I pinch the bug between my thumb and finger and shake it in his face. “When you least expect it . . .” I shove it in my pocket and run up the last few stairs. But then I don’t know where I’m going, so I have to wait.

Alessandro knows this, of course, and emerges from the pit a few seconds later with a smirk. “By all means, after you,” he says, sweeping his hand toward Eighth.

I glare and turn back for the subway. “You know what? I changed my mind.”

He has a handful of my jacket sleeve before I reach the stairs and spins me to face him, grasping both my upper arms.

My heart thumps hard as he catches me in his smoldering gaze. I can feel the heat of his body, even through all our layers of winter wear, and I shudder with the sudden mind-flash of how it would feel to be this close without all those layers. His lips part, as if he’s feeling the same rush I am, and I decide right in this heartbeat that if he kisses me, I’m going to kiss him back. I picture our lips meeting—imagine how his would feel as they moved on mine, how they would taste. His eyes flare as he dips his head, his lips pausing just inches from mine. I stop breathing again, caught between wanting to close those last few inches, and wanting to bolt.

But I can’t bolt.

Chapter Ten

I TIP MY face up and gaze into his eyes, bright in the dark night. But just as a tiny moan escapes my throat, he steps back, breaking the spell.

“Tell me about your boyfriend,” he says. “How long have you been together?”

It takes me longer than it should to get my head together. “Boyfriend,” I say a little breathlessly. “Um . . . a year.”

Alessandro’s expression clears and he lets go of my arms. “Do you love him?”

A laugh explodes out of my chest.

His eyebrows arch. “I didn’t know I was making a joke.”

I shake my head. “I don’t do love.”

He tips his head in a way I’m starting to recognize as him questioning me.

“You think I’m lying?”

He stares down at me for a long moment, his eyes storming as he wages some internal war. “I didn’t say that,” he finally says.

“Then what are you saying?”

He stuffs his hands in his pockets and starts up the sidewalk. “Nothing.”

We walk along Eighth until it ends on Hudson, then make the turn onto Perry, the whole time never coming within three feet of each other. Alessandro fishes in his pocket as we take the corner and comes out with a key, which he sticks in the first door past the restaurant on the corner. “Home sweet home,” he says, moving aside for me to pass.

I slide by him, careful not to brush against him, and move to the elevator. He presses the call button and just as the door opens, an old woman with curly white hair steps through the front door.

We load in and Alessandro holds the elevator for her. “Mrs. Burke. How are you this evening?”

She punches three. “Wonderful, Alessandro. And who is this lovely young lady?” she asks turning to me.

Alessandro smiles at her as he hits five. “This is Hilary McIntyre. Hilary, Mrs. Burke.”

Mrs. Burke leans toward me and whispers, “He’s a good boy.” The door opens on three and she winks at me and steps out.

I stare at her with wide eyes as the elevator door closes. There’s no way Alessandro didn’t hear that. Does she think we’re on a date? Does he? Do I?

A minute later, the door opens on five. We spill out into a four-by-four landing with three doors. I’m too mortified to look at Alessandro as he sticks his key into the door toward the front of the building, marked 51, but the second I walk in, I’m totally coveting his apartment.

It’s small, but they didn’t wreck its character with a big remodel like so many other old apartments. It’s still got old-school radiators and the pipes are exposed in places. There are gouges in the hardwood floor and nicks in the white wooden door and window frames. There are even a few places where the crown moldings on the high ceilings are missing.

I love it.

In the middle of the room, next to a big blue chair, is a black leather sofa, and off to the right is the kitchen, with a black granite countertop separating it from the living room. On the left is the only door in the place, probably to the bathroom, since his double bed and a clunky antique dresser are in an alcove just past it, next to the window.

“This place is—”

“—so cool,” he finishes for me with a smile. “I do rather like it.”

“Just for that, I take it back.” But really I don’t. I start around the room, inspecting his prints. Most of them look an awful lot like some of the stuff we saw at the Met last week, so I guess he really likes that stuff.

“Can I offer you something to drink? Water? Wine?”

“What are you opening?” I turn back and look at him, where he’s moved behind the kitchen counter. He presses his iPhone into a small round speaker, and the music that starts isn’t what I expected. I was thinking some classical piano piece, or maybe something operatic, but it’s rock: Creed’s “With Arms Wide Open.”

There’s a flash of a memory—Alessandro tuning the radio in the rec room from the hip-hop station Trish left it on to something rockish.

“I was thinking about a chardonnay because I need something white to cook with,” he answers, lifting a bottle off the counter, “but I’m open to suggestions.”

I stroll toward the kitchen. “That sounds good.”

He uncorks the bottle, then waves the neck under his nose and sniffs at the end, nodding appreciatively.

“I forgot you like Creed,” I say with a nod at the speakers.

He glances that way as he pulls down two glasses. “Always have.”

“Thought you might have outgrown grunge,” I say with a smirk.

“Post-grunge,” he corrects, arching an eyebrow at me as he pours the wine. “My tastes are eclectic.”

I laugh. I can’t help it.

“I’m glad I amuse you,” he says with a secret smile, and something kicks in my chest.

“You do.” I move to the window because I suddenly feel in need of more distance between us. On the street below, I spy Mrs. Burke, picking up her pug’s poop with a baggy over her hand. A young couple with a baby in a stroller stops to talk to her. They all seem so friendly.

I haven’t known my neighbors since I was thirteen.

I feel something touch the back of my arm and I jump, swatting at the rubber bug I imagine there.

But it’s just Alessandro’s fingers. “Sorry. Your wine,” he says holding the glass out to me.

I sip it and it’s really good. “This is a great spot. Do you like it here?”

“I do,” he says, stepping up next to me in the window. “My family lived near here. I was hoping to find something in the neighborhood.”

I turn back to the apartment. “Studios are hard to find.”

His elbow brushes mine as he turns. I try to ignore the tightening in my belly at even that touch. “I was fortunate. Someone’s application had just fallen through when I was looking.”

I sip my wine and look out the window.

He steps back and looks at me. “Would you let me teach you how to throw a proper punch?”

The question surprises me. “Is that a skill I’m going to need in the next few minutes?”

An amused smile flashes over his face, but then his expression turns more serious. “I worry about you out there by yourself,” he says with a wave of his hand toward the window.

I shrug. “I’ve got the knee-to-the-balls and the finger-to-the-eye maneuvers down, so I think I’m probably okay.”

“And God forbid you should ever need to defend yourself against an attacker again, those will probably be more useful to you, but it can’t hurt to know how to deliver a solid blow.”

I nod. “All right.”

We step into a small open area between his couch and the kitchen counter and he takes my glass and sets it down. “Boxing is all about balance and leverage. You need to feel your base of support and stay on top of it. That gives you mobility and strength.” He lays his strong hands on my hips. “Don’t let me move you.”

I spread my legs slightly, and when he presses on one hip, pushing me to the side, I resist.

“Good,” he says.

He presses harder on my other hip and barely moves me, then raises his hands to my shoulders, and I hold my ground as pushes me in several directions in quick succession.

“Once you have your base of support,” he tells me, pressing his rolled-up sleeves higher on his forearms and drawing my attention to the lines of his muscles there, “you can either move or attack.” I lift my gaze to his face and know I’ve been caught looking when he raises an eyebrow. “Moving is definitely the better option. If you can run, always do. But if you’re cornered and you need to throw a punch, leverage your upper body off your solid base of support.”

“Meaning?”

He steps around behind me and gently grasps my forearms just below the elbow. “Meaning,” he says, lifting my arms, so my fisted hands are just under my chin and my bent elbows are against my ribs, “you need to keep everything close to the core until you’re ready to strike. They call it ‘throwing’ a punch for a reason. Stay balanced, then leverage off your base and throw your fist forward.”

I shoot my right fist out as fast as I can, jerking my arm out of his hand.

“Good,” he says. He draws my arm back to my side and I realize he’s pressed up against me, his whole front in contact with my whole back. I loose focus for a second when he lowers his hands to my hips. “Same thing, but snap your arm faster, then bring it right back to your core.”

I do as I’m told.

“Did you feel that?” he asks, laying his other hand flat and firm on my stomach. “If you’re strong here, in your core, that gives you a solid base to leverage off of.”

What I feel is his toned arms around me. What I feel is the irresistible urge to run my fingers over them and memorize the contours of the veins and muscles. What I feel is a tingle that zings out from my groin to his hand, low on my belly. But I’m pretty sure that’s not what he’s talking about. “Yeah.”

A shudder ripples over my skin at the feel of his breath in my hair, as if he’s lowered his face. His hands shift to my hips and his grip on me tightens. In that second, the urge to turn in his arms and stare into those dark, tortured eyes is almost unbearable. I hold my breath and wait for him to let me go. Finally, he takes a shuddering breath and steps back, clearing his throat. I watch as he reaches over the back of the couch and comes out with a throw pillow. He stands in front of me with it bunched in his hands. “Again.”

I get myself balanced and snap a punch into the center of the pillow.

“Now with the left. Same thing.”

I try with my left and it feels slower and clumsier. “Guess I’ll have to hope he doesn’t grab me by the right arm, huh?”

“You’re right-handed, so using the left will take some practice, but it’s the same thing. Solid base, tight core, and snap.”

I try again with my left and it feels a little less awkward.

“Now stagger your stance,” he says, stepping closer and drawing my left foot forward with a scorching hand on my thigh, just below the hip. I fight to keep my breathing even. “As you snap, stay over your base of support, but step quickly from your back foot to your front foot.” His fingertips stroke up my leg as he releases me, causing my breath to catch. He holds the pillow again. “That will put some momentum behind the punch.”

I snap my right arm out, shifting onto my left leg as I do it, and my fist makes a solid-sounding thud into the pillow and pushes Alessandro back a half step.

He tips his head at me and his eyes flare. “You’re a natural. I want you in my ring.”

At the image of Alessandro, sweaty in a boxing ring, my heart skips. “Better be careful what you wish for.”

There’s something sexily cynical in his smile as he holds the pillow up. “Again.”

After half an hour, I finally feel like I have it to where I might actually do some damage to something other than my fist if it was to connect with someone.

“You’re a quick learner,” he tells me, handing me the throw pillow. He gestures to the couch. “Relax. I’ll start dinner.”

I toss the pillow on the couch and follow him to the kitchen, where he ducks into the fridge and comes out with two boneless chicken breasts. He pulls down a cutting board from where two are stacked on end against the fridge and proceeds to pound the crap out of the chicken with a mallet.

“There has to be something I can do to help.”

He opens the fridge again and comes out with a bundle of asparagus, which he sets on the counter. “If you insist, you can wash and trim these.”

I wash the asparagus and snap off the ends, then stack it and the two cockroaches on a plate next to the stove as Alessandro drops a cube of butter in a cast-iron skillet, where it sizzles. He rubs salt and pepper into the chicken, then flours it.

“Anything else I can do?” I ask as he drops the chicken breasts into the skillet and browns them.

“Sit and drink your wine,” he says with a wave of his arm at the couch.

I go into the main room, taking my wine with me, and sink into the sofa. I take a long sip. “Are you trying to get me drunk?”

He turns and flashes me that smile again. “Are you questioning my motives?”

“Maybe.” My heart is pounding. Why am I flirting?

I’m sipping my wine a few minutes later when he picks up the plate of asparagus and starts dumping the spears into the skillet. He stops and smiles over his shoulder at me as he picks out the cockroaches. “Touché.”

I smile sweetly back at him.

He turns to the stove and I sip my wine again, but whatever he just poured in the pot smells good, drawing me off the couch and back into the kitchen. “What are you making? I ask, looking into the skillet.

“It’s a traditional Italian chicken dish.”

“What’s in there?”

“So far, just chicken, artichoke hearts, asparagus, cream, chicken broth, and wine.” He picks a jar off the rack over the stove and when he shakes it into the pot, I smell oregano.

He moves around the kitchen like a pro as he prepares the pasta and spoons the sauce over it.

“Is wine okay for dinner, or would you like something else?” he asks as he takes our plates to the small table near the window on the kitchen side of the room.

“Wine is good, but I need a refill,” I say, holding up my empty glass.

He grabs my glass as he sweeps past on his way back to the kitchen. “Have a seat. I’ll be right there.”

I slide into one of the chairs at the table and pick up my fork. I know enough about manners not to start before Alessandro’s back, but that doesn’t keep me from dipping the tines of my fork in the sauce and tasting it.

“Holy Christ, that’s good.”

Alessandro picks up our glasses and moves back to the table. “I’m glad you approve.” He lowers himself into the seat across from me and nods at my plate, indicating I should go ahead. He doesn’t have to tell me twice.

I cut off a hunk of chicken and cram it in my mouth. “Oh, God,” I moan. “Who taught you to do this?”

“My grandmother.”

“Well, the woman deserves a medal.”

I dig back into my food, but just as I cut through a stalk of asparagus, an antenna flips out of my sauce. “Shit!” I scream, dropping my fork with a clank.

But then I hear Alessandro chuckling. He’s staring at me out from under his long, dark lashes, and in that look, I see the boy he was so long ago.

“You son of a bitch!” I say, but I’m laughing. How did I not see this coming? “I warned you.”

I grab the bug out of my sauce and charge at him, but he leaps out of his chair, laughing. “You warned me about cockroaches in your tea. I didn’t put the cockroach in your tea.”

“Close enough.”

He moves around to the front of the couch, but what he doesn’t expect is the direct, take-no-prisoners attack. I leap over the back of the couch and take him down, tackling him onto the throw pillows at the end and cramming the bug in his face.

And then I realize where I am: lying on top of Alessandro on a couch.

We’re leaving, Hilary.

Everything stops. Me. Him. Time.

I’m plunged backward in time to the rec room. Creed sang “My Sacrifice” from the radio and it was just us, which meant I could do this. I could touch him. He was on the couch in his T-shirt and jeans, and I was on top of him. He was kissing me, but he stopped.

“We’re leaving, Hilary.”

I shake the memory away, my heart beating in my throat.

Please. Don’t.

I climb off him and just stand here for a second, not sure if I should go.

Alessandro pulls himself up and looks at me a moment with wide eyes. His whole body is tense, his shoulders stiff and his hands bunched into fists at his sides.

I smooth my hair back. “I—sorry. I should go.”

He rubs his forehead, then looks at me. “You haven’t eaten yet. Come back to the table.”

We stand here staring at each other for another tense minute, then settle back into our seats.

“I’m sorry,” he says as he fishes the other cockroach out of his food. “It was stupid of me.”

But seeing him sitting there, sucking sauce off a rubber cockroach, is more than I can take. I crack up.

He smiles, unsure, but so soft and so beautiful. “We’re okay?”

“We’re okay.” As I say it, I realize I want it to be true. I want to spend time with him—get to know him again. I want to know what happened to him after he left New York. I need to know how he felt back then—and even now.

I need these things for my sanity. It’s just closure.

I’m not totally playing with fire.

Chapter Eleven

WHEN BRETT CLIMBED on top of me this morning before he left for the airport, I felt like I was going to throw up. It’s guilt. I know it. Because I can’t stop thinking about Alessandro, even when I’m having sex with Brett. Especially when I’m having sex with Brett. It’s a sick fantasy, but I can’t shut it down, no matter how hard I try.

Brett’s on the road for six crazy weeks of touring. I’m so jealous. But I’m also scared. Because without him here, fighting the urge to spend all my time with Alessandro is even harder.

When I walk into Argo Tea, he’s at a table near the window, and there’s already a cup at my place. I peel off my winter wear and lower myself into my seat, wrapping my frozen fingers around the steaming cup. I hope he thinks the shake in my hand is from the cold.

“It feels like snow today,” he says by way of a greeting, swirling his coffee in his cup.

That’s his tell. I look at him more closely. Is he nervous too? About what? I didn’t tell him Brett was gone.

“Colder than a witch’s tit,” I say, bringing my cup to my mouth with both hands and sipping. The warmth of the tea sends a shiver through me.

“I took the liberty,” he says with a nod at my cup. “Hope you don’t mind.”

“Thanks. So, where are we going?”

Some of the caution melts off his face and his mouth pulls into a smug half smile. “That’s how you want to play this? No surprise?”

I shrug. “I’m going to find out when we get there, right?”

He lifts his cup and looks at me over the top of it, taking a slow sip. “No,” he finally says, lowering it back to the table. “I’m not going to tell you.”

I roll my eyes and sip my tea. “Fine. If you won’t tell me, then I’m not telling you what we’re doing next week.”

His smile is back. “Good. I like surprises.”

“But I will tell you that we have to do it on Saturday instead of Thursday.”

He lifts an eyebrow at me.

I lift my eyebrows back. “If I say more, you’ll probably be able to figure it out,” I warn.

He raises his hand. “Enough said. I’m assuming this is happening in the morning, since you work Saturday nights?”

“Yes.”

He nods. “I’ll make it work.”

I shrug, trying to come off as indifferent, but I’m really starting to get into this. I went online to research what quirky things New York has to offer and I have a few stops lined up that I’m pretty stoked about. “If you say so.”

He watches me sip the last of my tea, then stands. “Ready?”

I wrap my scarf around my neck and scrape my chair back. “Let’s go.”

We step outside and the cold bites after the warm tea. I slip on my gloves and pull my jacket tight around me. We come to the subway, and I grab the rail and swing around for the stairs, but Alessandro keeps going.

“We’re walking.”

“How far?” I ask, feeling the warm air bellowing up from down there.

He stops walking and turns. “You’ll warm up. And, in any event, it’s not too far.”

I stand at the mouth of the subway and stare at him, exaggerating my shiver.

He smiles and walks back to collect me, looping an arm around my shoulders.

And, damn if I don’t feel warm all of a sudden.

He turns us and starts up Fifty-eighth, and I keep stride at his side. “I should have asked. Are you afraid of heights?” he asks as we walk.

I cut him a look. “We are not going to the Empire State Building! You said no lame-o tourist attractions.”

“I’m quite certain I never used the word ‘lame-o,’ and we’re not going to the Empire State Building.”

“So where then?”

He just smirks at me.

Twenty minutes later, when we’re still walking on Fifty-eighth, I’m starting to think he’s going to walk us straight into the East River, but then he takes a left on Second Avenue. “Almost there,” he tells me with a squeeze of my shoulders.

I’m warm now from the walk, but I like that his arm’s still around me, so don’t tell him that.

We walk two more blocks and stop at a funny-looking cement building. I look up at it. “This is that cable-y thing that goes over to that island, isn’t it? I’ve seen it from the Queensboro.”

His smile is amused. “The ‘cable-y thing’ is an aerial tram, and it goes to Roosevelt Island, yes.”

He unloops his arm from my shoulders and takes my gloved hand, towing me toward the stairs at the front of the building. We swipe our MetroCards, wait behind the gates, and then cram into the big red tramcar with at least a dozen other people.

“I don’t think this is undiscovered,” I mutter to Alessandro as we move to the back.

He smiles and his smoky eyes turn a shade darker. “It is to us. That’s all that matters.”

We find seats and I jump a little when we swing away from the station a few minutes later. I stand and turn for the window as our big red box rises out over the city. Second Avenue falls away below us as we lift into the sky, and behind us, Manhattan is laid out on display.

“Wow. This is so—”

“—cool,” Alessandro says with an amused smile, standing and turning toward the window.

“Stop it,” I pout.

“Never let me curb your enthusiasm,” he says, softer.

When I glance at him, he’s not looking out the window. He’s looking at me. I wipe my jacket sleeve under my nose, sure there must be something dangling there. Finally, his eyes shift toward the view out the window behind us, scanning the New York landscape and locking on the top of the Empire State Building, just visible over the other buildings in midtown. “You do know, at some point we really are going to have to visit the Empire State Building.”

I shrug. “I guess. When we run out of everything else.” A little shudder ripples my skin into goose bumps. How long will that take? How many more Thursdays do I have with Alessandro before the city dries up and leaves me with no excuse to see him again?

He nods slowly as his gaze shifts to me. “That could take years.”

Years. The combination of his words, the intensity of his gaze, and the fact that he just answered my unasked question, gives me more goose bumps. Is he staying for years? Or will he go back to Corsica and leave me here again?

I shake the despair that settles in my bones with the thought away. It doesn’t matter if he stays or goes. He doesn’t matter to me.

But it’s hard to convince myself of that as I stand here, locked in his gaze.

“Roosevelt Island was occupied by the British throughout the Revolutionary War, until 1782. American prisoners of war were quartered there until peace negotiations were under way,” he says, releasing me from his gaze and turning toward the island we’re approaching.

I start breathing again. “You’re into art and history? What kind of a geek are you?”

His gaze flashes to me and there’s an amused spark in his eyes. “A geek of epic proportions.”

We glide alongside the Queensboro Bridge, out over the East River, and our tramcar starts descending as we approach Roosevelt Island. The whole thing only lasts about four minutes, but it’s four seriously incredible minutes.

“There is a bus,” Alessandro says as we unload from the tram, “but I’d prefer to explore on foot, if you’re up for a little more walking.”

I shrug to hide my shudder, wondering if he’ll put his arm around me again. “Sure.”

He ushers me out of the station and across the street toward the Manhattan side of the island, where we walk along the road near the river, past what Alessandro says is the only subway stop on the island, until we come to a brick path on the left. We head down the path toward the water to a large observation platform that looks back over East River toward the city.

I lean my elbows on the rail and watch a tugboat chug up the river. “It’s nice here. Quiet.”

“It is. There’s only one bridge onto the island from the Queens side, so traffic is limited.”

I turn and look at the road behind us, between the apartment buildings and the water. There are a few parked cars, but no traffic jam. No taxi drivers honking their horns. “They should do that for all of Manhattan,” I say, turning back to the city. “You know . . . like when people make you take your shoes off at their front door,” I say, thinking of Mallory. “Welcome to Manhattan. Leave your car at the door.”

I glance at Alessandro and his eyes scan the city. “That’s an intriguing thought.” After a minute, he looks at me and waves an arm to the right. “There’s an old asylum and a lighthouse to the north, if you’re interested.”

I crack a smile. “An asylum, huh? Is that why you brought me here? To be with all the other crazy people?”

He smiles back. “It closed decades ago. Only a small part of it is left. They’ve built an apartment building around it. I’m actually more interested in the lighthouse at the northern tip of the island. It was built from stone quarried off the island. And at the southern tip are the ruins of an old smallpox hospital that I’d like to see.”

“How do you know all this?”

He smiles and tips his head at me. “The internet is an amazing thing.”

He grasps my elbow gently and guides me off the to the right, and I think again of the night he found me. The internet really is an amazing thing.

We follow the walking path along the water, taking in the peaceful quiet and the view of the city. Even the cold November air feels crisper here. Apartment buildings and condos are spread behind us, but there’s an expanse of grassy space all around them. Space. It’s like city living in the country.

We don’t talk, but it’s comfortable silence, and I feel myself unwinding a little as we walk. After about fifteen minutes, Alessandro breaks the silence. “This way,” he says, directing me off the path and back across the road. We loop around the front of a gray cement apartment building with lots of windows until we come to the front entrance. It’s octagonal, built from stacked blocks of rough gray granite, and topped with a blue roof.

“The Octagon,” Alessandro says. “This was the entrance to the asylum. The rest of it was demolished decades ago.”

“So,” I say, looking over the building, “there was an asylum and a smallpox hospital. Was this like Quarantine Island or something?”

“Not exactly,” he answers, still examining the building. “There were, and still are, hospitals on the island. It’s one of the few places in Manhattan where there was still open land to build them.”

He takes my elbow again and we start back toward the path along the river. In another ten minutes we’re at the obvious tip of the island, and perched there is a tall, gray gothic-looking lighthouse, built out of the same rough granite blocks as the Octagon. There are two other people milling around it, snapping shots—the only two people we’ve seen on the path. So maybe this place really is undiscovered.

Alessandro’s hand slips into mine and he holds it as we take a circle around the lighthouse. “The lighthouse was active from 1872 through the mid 1900s, when most commerce was still seafaring,” he tells me, and for some reason I find it interesting. But not as interesting as his face as he examines it from all sides. From his strong cheekbones to the dimple on his chin, those lines beg for me to trace them with my finger.

His eyes gravitate to mine, and the air is suddenly charged. His grip on my hand becomes tighter, and I don’t even realize I’ve leaned into him until he clears his throat and steps back, letting go of my hand. He rubs the back of his neck. “We should loop down the Queens side of the island.”

I nod and he lays a hand on my back, ushering me that direction. Where I was cold before, now I’m beyond hot, and his hand on my back is the source of the burn that works slowly through me. Whatever’s hanging in the air between us is palpable, like a gravitational pull that won’t be denied. We walk without talking, but there’s so much I want to say—things I feel the desperate need to tell him.

But I can’t.

He veers off the path once to walk me past a white clapboard house. “This is one of the oldest surviving buildings in Manhattan, the Blackwell House,” he says. “The Blackwells owned the entire island until 1828, when they sold it to New York.”

Finally, he drapes his arm over my shoulder as we walk back to the path, and something deep inside me aches at the feel of him there. There’s some part of me that still remembers how safe I felt with Alessandro way back when—and how scared I was after.

Please, don’t leave me.

The tears that streamed down my face as I said those words threaten again at the memory. I push them away and look out over the water toward Queens.

“This is it,” Alessandro says, “the old smallpox hospital.”

I look at him, then past him at the remains of a crumbling three-story stone building sprawling across the southern tip of the island. It’s all gothic, with intricate stonework over the entrances and peaked windows, built from the same gray stone as everything else, with a roof that caved in decades ago and climbing vines all up the walls. It looks totally creepy, like it’s got to be haunted. I half expect gargoyles or whatever.

“It’s eerie,” I tell Alessandro. “But really cool.”

“That it is.”

I shudder when he smiles down at me.

We loop around the large building and over to the path on the Manhattan side of the island, where we lean against the rail, him gazing back at the ruins of the hospital, and me looking toward the city. As we stand here, I realize everything in me feels calmer just being out of it. Everything is slower here. It’s quiet, and even though it’s technically still part of Manhattan, it feels like a whole different planet. I can stand here and watch the city race by and for the first time I can remember, I don’t have to worry if I’m keeping up.

“What are you thinking?” Alessandro asks.

When I look up at him, I realize he’s staring at me. “When does it stop being hard?”

I’m not really sure what I mean, but Alessandro looks back over the city with a pensive expression and shakes his head, as if he understood me perfectly. “Damned if I know.”

WE’RE DOING SCENES from fairy tales tonight and I’m Sleeping Beauty. From the Disney version, no less. I tried to tell Quinn I’m totally not the girl for this part. I don’t do airhead. But he said the true test of an actor’s grit is when they have to do something out of their comfort zone.

So here I am, way the hell out of my comfort zone.

Nathan is Prince Phillip. Better him than Mike. Mike’s kind of a douche.

We’ve got the scene when Princess Aurora (me) meets Prince Phillip (Nathan) in the woods. Of course, I’m clueless and don’t know I’m a kick-ass princess, so I swoon all over Prince Phillip and he falls in love with me at first sight because I’m so ditzy, and I need a big, strong man to protect me.

By the time Nathan and I are done, I feel like I need a shower.

“Pick something better next week, Quinn,” I grumble when I take my seat next to him.

“That was horrible, Irish,” he says, shaking his head. “Worst I’ve ever seen from you. Utterly uninspired.”

“It’s hard to be inspired when the role sucks. The least you could have done was given me the evil fairy. I could have gotten into that.”

“But any great actress figures it out. You needed a challenge, and I handed you one. Instead of rising to it and showing us something softer, you bashed it over the head. Sometime you’ve got to let your softer side show, Irish.” His lips press into a line. “And I’m not just talking about the play.”

I fidget with a hole in my jeans as the next group, Kamara, Vee, and Mike start on their scene from Hansel and Gretel.

When everyone is done, Quinn stands. “Next week, Greek tragedies. Pick up your roles on the table.”

I move to the table and see my name on a script for Antigone. Mike and I are doing the scene together.

As I’m scanning through my part, Nathan comes up behind me. “Sorry that was so lame.”

I look up and shrug. “We didn’t have much to work with.” I lift my script for next week. “This looks a little more promising.”

“Good.” He scratches the top of his head. “So . . . there’s this—”

“Dude! Tell me I’ve got something better than Hansel,” Mike says, clapping Nathan on the back and cutting him off. He scoops his script up and flashes me a grin full of perfect white teeth. “Looks like we’re together, Irish.”

“Looks that way,” I say, folding my script into my back pocket. “See you guys later.”

But as I walk home through the park, I can’t stop thinking about what Quinn said, because as he said it, I realized something. I walk around every day wearing a face that’s not mine. I’ve hidden my softer, weaker parts behind a character who’s tough and doesn’t need anyone—my comfort zone. But Alessandro brings those parts out in me. Something about being with him pries those softer parts out from under my armor. He brings out that little girl that I was when we met. But I can’t go back to that. Not when I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am.

Sometimes Quinn is wrong.

Chapter Twelve

I’VE LEFT THREE voice mails for Brett in the ten days he’s been gone, and he finally called me back at two this morning. He was in a crowd somewhere, but between the loud music, the fact that he was drunk enough that he was seriously slurring, and the woman whining that he should hang up and dance with her, I couldn’t catch where. I’m not even sure what city he’s in.

The thing is, what bothers me about that whole scene isn’t the fact some chick (and probably more than one) is obviously making moves on Brett. What bothers me is that I really don’t care. I wanted to feel angry or upset when I hung up. I even went out to the living room and kicked his couch, but the only thing I felt was a sharp pain in my foot—which still sort of hurts as I walk into the Argo Tea.

I know I really need to stop whatever I’m doing with Alessandro before it turns into something I can’t stop. But every time I open my mouth to say something like, “I can’t hang out with you anymore,” something else comes out, like, “Tell me about Rome.” So, as we hop on the A train, which is standing room only at lunchtime on a Saturday, I still haven’t said anything. I justify it by telling myself I’m not taking an insane risk. My secret’s safe and we’re just exploring the city. I’m having fun . . . more than I have in a long time.

It’s amazing how a person can convince themselves of almost anything. Even when that anything could cost them everything.

When we get off one stop later, at Forty-second, I take the long way past the bus station, leaving Alessandro wondering if we’re bussing it for a minute, before heading down Eighth Avenue toward Thirty-ninth. When we take the right on Thirty-ninth, he looks at me and smiles. “The flea market.”

I shoot him a glance. “I’ve heard Hell’s Kitchen is the best. Cool vintage stuff.”

His smile pulls wider. “Good choice. I’ve never been.”

It’s warm for late November—almost seventy. After the cold snap we’ve had for the last few weeks, the streets are crowded with people basking in the sun, soaking up the last bits of warmth before winter hits for real. Many are in sweaters or sweatshirts, but there’s the occasional T-shirt or tank top. I picked my favorite light sweater—white with silver threads through it. It’s got an open neck and is snug without being tight. Alessandro is wearing khaki cargo pants, black army boots, and a snug black T-shirt. And those arms are truly spectacular—lean and long and muscular and totally hot. Watching his biceps strain the fabric at the hem of the short sleeve, I can’t deny the little part of me that’s dying to run my fingers over those muscles to see if they feel as solid as they look. I want to trace the veins to where they disappear behind brushed cotton.

We cross Ninth Avenue and the market is laid out in front of us. There’s an old metal Coke sign hanging from the canopy over a booth just ahead with a wooden rocking horse below it, and in the booth across the row, I see vintage clothes hanging on racks. Suddenly I feel like a kid in a candy shop. I’m not much of a shopper, but for some reason, vintage stuff gets me all giddy.

We walk all the way to the end to get a feel for the place, and it’s packed full of people wending between the booths, same as we are.

“So I guess this isn’t exactly undiscovered either,” I say, lifting a vintage black fedora off a hat rack and trying it on.

“But you are discovering new things,” Alessandro says, gesturing to the hat.

“Old things,” I counter, looking at myself in the mirror on a table next to the rack.

He moves behind me and smiles into the mirror from over my shoulder. “Old things that are new to you.” He gives the back rim a flick and it drops over my eyes.

And I realize that’s him—something old, from before, that I’m discovering all over again. I lift the hat off my head and drop it on his, taking the opportunity to really look at him. My eyes devour his face; from the dimple at the tip of his chin, over his full red lips and his straight nose, up the curve of his cheekbones to those amazing gray eyes, where my gaze stalls. He’s so similar to the boy I knew, but so different.

When I realize we’re just standing here staring at each other, I clear my throat. “The gangster look works for you.”

I lower my eyes away from his to the table and they fall on a pair of white silk gloves—the kind they used to wear that go up past your elbows. “Oh my God. These are so cool.”

Alessandro pulls the hat off and puts it back on the rack. “Try them on.”

I slip one glove on and turn my arm side to side, admiring how the white silk pops against my mocha skin. “I have to have these.”

“Then you should buy them,” he says with a smile.

I bring them over to the vendor, a woman with tattoo sleeves. “Nice ink,” I tell her when I notice the pattern is mostly vines and butterflies.

“Thanks,” she says. “Back at ya. Does that go all the way around?” she asks, looking at the butterflies at my left collarbone.

I lift the hem of my sweater, exposing the trail of butterflies over my right hip. “To here,” I say, pointing lower, at the front of my hip under my jeans. I flick a glance at Alessandro and see him looking at my ink. There’s something in his gaze, like he wants to reach out and touch the butterflies on my hip, that sends a pulsing ache through my belly. Will I ever tell him what they mean? That he was the inspiration? Probably not. I force myself to breathe. “So, how much for these?” I ask, holding up the gloves.

“Twenty,” she says.

Stick my hand in my bag and fish for money. I come out with a fistful of bills and count them. “I’ll give you thirteen.”

She looks like she wants to counter, but after a beat she smiles. “I like you, so okay.”

I hand her money and slip the gloves into my bag. “Thanks.”

“You come on back. We’re here every week,” she says, pocketing the cash.

I can’t stop the smile. “I will.”

Alessandro grasps my elbow and veers us toward a hot-dog cart. “Do you still eat hot dogs?”

“Sure,” I say a little warily. Did I eat hot dogs before? There’s the tickle of a memory, but I can’t get a grasp on it.

He buys two hot dogs and two Diet Cokes and we go to the condiment counter, where he loads one with mustard and relish, then hands it to me. As I watch him squirt catsup on his, the tickle is there again, and then it all comes back in a rush. It was a few weeks after Alessandro and I’d started sleeping together.

“That is just wrong in so many ways,” I said as he sat next to me at the dinner table, the catsup bottle making farting sounds as he squeezed the last of it onto his hot dog.

He looked up at me and a smile curved half his mouth. “Don’t knock it till you try it.”

I scrunched my face at him. “I am never trying that. Catsup on hot dogs is gross.”

“You’re gross,” a whiny female voice said from across the table.

I looked up, and the white girl, Trisha or Hannah, was glaring at me. She was pressed into Lorenzo’s side, and I couldn’t see what her hand was doing, but it was moving in his lap. Lorenzo smirked and tore a hunk off his hot dog with his teeth, then chucked the rest at Alessandro. “You want my leftovers, bro, take them.”

Shame nearly choked me.

But then, so subtly that no one else noticed, Alessandro wove his fingers into mine under the table and made everything okay.

“Hilary?” he says, pulling me back to the present. He’s moved away from the counter toward a bench. “Would you like to sit?”

I nod and move with him, sinking into the seat before my knees give out. “Thanks . . . for the hot dog.”

He nods slowly. “Are you okay?”

I shake off the memory and try to pretend I haven’t lost my appetite. “Yeah. This is fun.”

His eyes scan the market. “It is. We’ll have to put this on our list for re-dos.”

“Re-dos?”

His gaze finds mine and he smiles. “For when we’ve seen everything else.”

“Re-dos,” I say with a nod. “Sounds like a plan.”

His eyes slip to the open collar of my sweater. “Tell me about your tattoos.”

I take a bite of my hot dog. “What about them?”

“I couldn’t help noticing the other night that there are a lot of them. Do they have some significance?”

At the memory of him slipping on my jacket on opening night, I shudder. “They just remind me to stay free . . . to follow my own path.”

He fixes me in his intense gaze. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my path over the last year. It’s not always as clear as you hope it’s going to be. I feel like I’ve spent my whole life adrift.”

I nod, ’cause not too many people know that better than me.

He stares at his hot dog for a minute. “When our grandparents brought us to Corsica, Lorenzo was all I had left. We were supposed to look out for each other . . . have each other’s backs.” He rakes a hand through his hair and his gaze drifts out over the vendors. “I let him down. When he needed me, I wasn’t there for him.”

“You can’t blame yourself that he got himself killed, Alessandro.”

His tormented eyes find mine. “I can. I do. I could have stopped him. If I’d stuck by his side . . . if I’d had his back . . .”

“You’d be dead too,” I finish for him. “You weren’t going to change him. Lorenzo did what he wanted to whoever he wanted and didn’t give two shits about anyone else.”

His hard expression cracks and he drops his forehead into his hand. “But I’m just like him. I thought the Church could save me. Surrendering my life to the priesthood . . . it was my sacrifice . . . my way of atoning for past sins. But then I met Lexie, and she turned everything on its head. She brought out all my impulsiveness—my lack of self-control. No matter how hard I tried to pretend that everything was fine and I belonged in the priesthood, when I saw how easily I was drawn off course, I couldn’t deny the truth. I was there for the wrong reasons. I thought if I wrapped the beast in God’s clothing, maybe that would tame it. I was wrong. It’s still here, deep inside me. Nothing has changed.”

“You’re not a beast, Alessandro.” I know this for a fact. He might not have always lived on the straight and narrow, but he was kind and tender, and he cared about other people. He cared about me in a way no one ever had before. “Have you at least forgiven yourself for me?”

His gaze burns through me. “No.”

I lower my lashes. “Why not?”

I hear him take a deep breath. “No matter what I convinced myself I felt, there is no excuse for what my brother and I did to you. You were a child.”

I lift my eyes back to him and see him supporting his head in one hand, elbow on his knee. “So were you, Alessandro. And are you hearing yourself? What Lorenzo did or didn’t do is not yours to feel responsible for. You can’t carry his guilt on your shoulders too. That’s too much for one person.”

His head snaps out of his hand. “But it is my guilt. All of it. I never once stood up to him, or told him what he was doing was wrong. I never once tried to stop him from doing any of it.”

“Because he would have beaten the shit out of you if you tried. Lorenzo wasn’t a good person. You are. I get that he’s dead, and I’m sorry, but just because he isn’t here to make amends, don’t put it all on yourself. Don’t make his burden yours. Because, unless he changed way more than you did, I can tell you, if he was still here, he wouldn’t be losing sleep over any of it.”

His face crumples and he lowers it into his hand again. “I’m not a good person, Hilary. I’m not who you thought I was. I knew what he did to you. He bragged about it to Eric and me. I saw you cry. And instead of helping you, I . . .” He lifts his tortured face and looks at me. “I’m no better than he was.”

I stand and throw my trash in the can next to the bench, then look down at him with my hands balled on my hips. “If you want to sit there feeling sorry for yourself, there’s nothing I can do about it, but I suggest you get over yourself and see things how they really were. You want perspective? I’ll give you mine. You did help me. You helped me finally feel something after years of being numb. You helped me find happiness in the middle of my own personal hell. You helped me understand what lo—” I cut off mid-rant when I realize what I was about to say. “I think if you really look back on all the wrong you believe you did, you’re going to realize it was Lorenzo who did it. And until you can let go of his, you’re never going to be able to forgive yourself for yours.”

I turn and march back toward the flea market, but Alessandro has my arm before I get five feet. “Hilary, wait.”

I spin. “For what? For you to finally decide you’re not the devil incarnate? That could take a while.”

He breathes a sigh. “I know some of what you’re saying is true. I just need to sort through some things. But thank you.”

“For what?”

“For everything you just said. Knowing how you feel helps.”

I feel all my frustration and anger run off me like melting ice. “The only thing I couldn’t forgive you for was leaving me, Alessandro. As far as I’m concerned, nothing you did while you were here needs forgiving.”

He closes his eyes and when he opens them, they’re moist. “Thank you.”

We just stand here staring at each other for a few long heartbeats, then I loop my arm through his elbow and start toward the booths. “Come on. Treasures await.”

We wind back through the market toward the subway, but just as we get toward the end, a coffee table in a booth with beat-up furniture catches my eye. It’s huge and clunky, all thick legs and a solid top, and totally ugly, with nicks in the wood and cigarette burns in the dark, chipped finish. But maybe because of all that, it has so much character that it almost seems alive, like it will just start talking any minute and tell us its life story. And just looking at it, I know there is one and it’s super interesting.

“How much for the table?” I ask the long-haired guy at the booth.

He eyes Alessandro and then me, sizing us up, no doubt. “Sixty,” he finally says.

I scrunch my face at him. “You’re joking, right? ’Cause it’s worth, like, five.”

He barks out a laugh. “This is antique. It’s worth hundreds.”

“I don’t think circa 1964 qualifies as antique,” Alessandro says from over my shoulder.

I shove him. “Butt out. I’ve got this.” I turn back to the vendor. “Ten.”

“Thirty,” he counters.

“Fifteen.”

He looks at the table and then at me. “Twenty-five, and that’s a low as I can go.”

I stick my hand in my bag and dig past my new gloves for everything I can find. I come out with a ten, eight crumpled ones, and a handful of change. “I’ve got”—I count out the change—“twenty-one sixty-three. Take it or leave it.”

He holds out his hand. “I hope you enjoy your new coffee table.”

I grin and hand him the wad of money . . . and then realize I have no way to get this sucker home. I look at Alessandro with wide, what-have-I-done eyes.

“Am I allowed to butt back in now?” he asks with an amused smile.

“What was I thinking?”

“That you needed a coffee table, obviously.”

“Yeah . . .” I say, looking back down at it. “But now I’ve got to get the freaking thing home.”

“We’ll manage it.” He casts a glance over the flea market. “Have you seen enough?”

“Considering I just spent my last twenty-one dollars, yeah.”

He spins and grabs the front end of the coffee table so it’s behind him. “You get the back.”

I loop my bag over my neck so it doesn’t slide off my shoulder and scurry around to grab the other end. I stagger like a drunken sailor as we start up the street. “Shit. This thing weighs a fucking ton.”

Alessandro glances over his shoulder at me. “It’s a quality piece of furniture. You have a good eye.”

I don’t know if he’s messing with me or what, but I’m too busy trying not to drop my end to give him a hard time. People don’t start to look at us funny until we’re half a block from the flea market, where walking down the street carrying a clunky wooden coffee table isn’t an everyday occurrence. He starts to steer us around the corner onto Eighth.

“Go straight,” I say. “If we go another block to the Times Square station, that will get us closer to the apartment without having to transfer.

We jostle our way through the thickening crowds and when we get to the subway, Alessandro stops at the top of the stairs and sets his end down. I look into the pit, sure we’re screwed. “Will they even let us do this?”

“We’ll find out, won’t we?” he answers. “I’m going to tip it on its side,” he says, lifting his end again. “You ready?” I nod and we turn it so the legs are sticking out the side. “Can you hold it like this while I get myself situated?” he asks.

I don’t have a clue what “situated” means, but I say, “Got it,” anyway.

He shifts to the underside behind the front legs and turns his back to me, hooking one hand under the bottom edge. He raises his other arm over his head, grabbing the top edge as I hold the table steady. “You okay back there?” he asks, craning his neck to look at me over his shoulder.

“Did you used to be a furniture mover or something?”

He starts slowly down the stairs and I keep his pace. “European apartments tend to be tight, and there are generally no elevators, so you learn to be creative.”

And now people are looking at us like we’re crazy. Everyone coming up from the subway has to squish to the side of the stairs so we don’t take them out with a table leg, and there’s a flood of people behind us that pushes hurriedly past once we get to the bottom.

We put the table down and I look at the gates. “Now what?”

“You’ve got your MetroCard handy?” he asks, flicking his out of his back pocket.

I dig mine out of my bag and hold it up.

“If we flip it legs up, you won’t have to hold it so high to get through the turnstile.”

He looks so serious, as if we’re doing brain surgery or something, and it suddenly strikes me as funny. I crack up.

“You have a lovely laugh.”

Something in his voice makes me stop. When I look at him again, his face has gone from dead serious to soft and slightly amused.

There’s a rush in my stomach, a sudden whirring of butterflies, but I shut it down. “Let’s go,” I say lifting my end of the table.

No one tries to stop us as we wrestle it through the gates and onto the subway platform, then set the table on its legs next to the wall.

I sit on it and lean against the tile wall as we wait, rubbing my sore palm on my jeans. “Thanks for doing this,” I tell him.

He sits next to me. “My pleasure.”

I think about what I told him that night after Club 69—that I’d never needed him—and wonder if he knows it’s a lie.

When we hear the train in the tunnel, we slide off the table and pick it up. But when the train gets to the platform, I see it’s packed.

“We should wait for the next one,” Alessandro says, starting to lower his end.

“Uh-uh,” I say and push him backward toward the door.

At first, most of the people standing in the door don’t move, like if they ignore us, we’ll go away.

But I’m not going away.

I shove the table and Alessandro staggers back into the crowd, bumping hard into a skinny guy with his nose in his iPad. Eyes widen behind him as the people there realize we’re coming whether they like it or not, and they press deeper into the car.

“I’m going to turn it on end,” Alessandro says, lifting his end higher. “When you’re in, set your end on the floor.”

The doors start to close on the table, but I don’t back off. Alessandro angles the table up so it doesn’t take so much room, and when I’m in, I set my end down. He tips it the rest of the way up so it’s standing on end and I’m trapped in the cage of its legs. It’s only now, when I’m smashed into the bottom of my new old table that I realize there’s a lot of gum stuck here.

At the next stop, we’re able to slide the table away from the door as people get out and make room. As we wrestle it out through the crowd at the Seventy-ninth Street stop, a middle-aged woman with a Macy’s shopping bag gets caught in the legs and we bring her with us onto the platform. She glares as she steps back onto the train just as the doors swish closed.

We haul the table up the stairs the same way we brought it down at Times Square, but when we reach my building we find out that it barely fits through the door. We have to do some fancy dancing, twisting and turning it around the corner of the door frame.

It’s only when we wrestle the table out of the elevator, wrangle it into my apartment, and set it down in front of the couch that I realize how huge it actually is. It takes up almost the entire space between the couch and the wall where the TV is mounted with just enough room to walk between them.

“It fits,” Alessandro says, and I can see him biting back the laugh.

“It does. It’s perfect,” I say a little defensively, sweeping some dirty dishes off the couch and dropping them in the sink on top of other dirty dishes. I come back and sit, kicking my feet up onto my table.

Alessandro slides in next to me on the couch. “Well, then, it was a productive day. I’ll have to think of something equally as productive for Thursday.”

“Next Thursday is Thanksgiving.” I don’t mention that Brett’s coming home. I don’t even want to think about it. “Can we do Friday? Or maybe Saturday? I just have to be home by fourish to get ready for work.”

He nods. “Friday then. Argo Tea? Eleven?”

“Done,” I say, standing and moving to the kitchen. I scrape some more dishes from the counter into the sink. “I feel like I owe you dinner.” I went shopping Tuesday, so I can probably pull something together.

“Thank you for the offer, but I already have dinner plans.”

“Oh.” I can’t explain the sudden wash of cold I feel. He said he wasn’t with that girl he fell in love with, but it never occurred to me until this second he could be seeing someone else. I start to ask who, but realize that’s none of my business. “So . . . something to drink?” I pull open the fridge door and peek inside. “I’ve got Diet Coke and . . .” Nothing. All I drink is Diet Coke. “Um . . . water, I guess.”

“Coke is fine,” he says, settling into the couch.

I pour two glasses and bring them to the couch, handing one to Alessandro.

He takes a sip then leans forward to put the glass on the coffee table. “This table looks a little like the one in my grandparents’ living room.”

“In Corsica?”

He nods. “It’s been there since I can remember. I think Pépé might have made it. I never asked.”

“Made it? Really?”

He nods. “That’s what he did for a living.”

“Do you miss them? Your family?”

He sips his drink and settles deeper into the couch, looking at me. “I do.”

I take a long sip so I don’t have to look at him. “How long do you think you’ll stay here before you go back?”

“I don’t have any definite plans, but I don’t anticipate leaving in the near future.”

Something in my gut loosens a little. “I think I might paint it,” I say, setting my glass on the table.

He leans forward and brushes his fingers over the surface. “Or you could refinish it. This is a nice piece of wood with a bold grain. It would look great if you stripped it and put on a fresh coat of varnish.”

“I don’t know how to do that. Painting is easier.”

“It’s up to you, of course, but if you wanted to try stripping it first to see what’s under all these layers, I could help you.”

He’s way too good at stripping away layers and seeing the stuff underneath. He does it with me every time we’re together. “Maybe I’ll just leave it be.”

“As you wish.” He finishes his Coke and sets the glass down. “So, Friday, then.” He stands. “I really need to go, but I’ll call you with details.”

“Sounds good. And it better not be the Empire State Building.”

He smiles and moves to the door. “I promise to choose something less ‘lame-o,’ ” he says, making air quotes. But then he hesitates with his hand on the doorknob. “I had a really nice time today.”

“Me too.”

He nods and pulls the door open, heading to the elevator. I stand here for a minute, watching him, but then decide that’s awkward, so I close the door and pretend I’m not listening for the elevator door.

After he’s gone, I sit on my table and think about all its layers. My fingers trace gouges and scratches and I just know it’s been through a lot. What if all those layers on the outside are the glue that’s keeping it together?

I decide not to let Alessandro strip off any more layers. But maybe I can help him strip a few of his own.

Chapter Thirteen

IT’S MONDAY MORNING when I call Alessandro. Brett is coming home tomorrow for a few days, and now that I’ve got my nerve up to do this, I don’t want to leave it until after he’s gone.

“Hilary,” he says when he connects.

“Are you free for an hour this afternoon?”

“I’ve got lessons at the Y starting at two. Was there something you needed?”

No, but there’s something you need. “I had somewhere I wanted to take you.”

“I thought we were on for Friday. My turn.”

“We are. This is something else.”

“Something else . . .” he repeats, his voice wary. “Could we possibly do this ‘something else’ tomorrow?”

Damn. “No. My boyfriend’s flying in tomorrow, so . . .”

“Oh. I didn’t know he was gone,” he says, his voice tight. “Will Friday be okay, though . . . for our Thursday outing?”

“He’s flying to Chicago Friday morning for an evening performance.”

I wait through a long pause, not sure what else to say. “How soon can you be ready?” he finally asks.

I look at my clock. Ten thirty. “In an hour, maybe.”

“Tell me where to meet you. I’ll be there at noon.”

“Argo Tea,” I say, pulling myself out of bed. “See you in a few.”

I TAKE HIS hand and tow him from Argo Tea to the subway, but I don’t tell him where we’re going. As we jump on the D train, he’s got that playful look that he always has when he’s waiting to see where I’m taking him. He’s still into it when we change over at Broadway to the F train, but when I stand at the Second Avenue station and pull him up, his expression turns instantly wary.

“Where are we going?” he asks with a tinge of panic in his eyes. It’s the first time on all our trips that’s he’s wanted to know.

And I know why.

“I think you need to see it again, Alessandro.”

He stiffens, but I pull him forward before the doors close. I don’t let go of his hand as we climb the stairs to the street. I don’t let go as we move slowly along Houston Street and turn up First Avenue. Through the thin leather of my glove, I feel the heat of his palm, and I know he’s scared.

So am I.

We turn onto Second Street and his feet slow and stop as we pass a sign on the side of a building across the street for the Catholic Big Sisters and Big Brothers Center. As we stand here, two black kids push through the doors onto the sidewalk, talking trash.

“You should check it out,” I say, nudging Alessandro forward.

He’s watching after the boys with a distant look in his eye. I wish I could jump into his brain and know what he’s thinking. Finally, he drops his gaze. “I left the Church.”

“Just because you’re not a priest doesn’t mean they wouldn’t want your help,” I say with a wave of my hand at the door.

His expression darkens as his whole body tenses. “No. I left the Church.”

And now I understand. “You’ve . . . you haven’t gone back? At all?”

His face pinches as he lowers his gaze. “I can’t. I don’t belong there.”

“Alessandro,” I say, squeezing his hand.

He pulls it away, refusing to be comforted. Instead, he spins on his heel and stalks up the sidewalk in the direction we were going. I’m a little surprised he doesn’t head back toward the subway. I catch up as he moves purposefully toward the destination neither of us really wants to see, but both of us need to. I don’t try to hold his hand again, and he keeps a safe space between us.

We weave up Avenue A and turn the corner onto East Fourth without speaking, and Alessandro’s hurried pace finally slows as we reach the building.

Someone’s given it a face-lift, adding white stucco and blue trim to the first story of a building that was always just grungy brick. It still looks sad.

I’m staring at it, my guts in a knot, when I feel Alessandro’s fingers thread into mine. When I glance his direction, he’s staring at it too, the skin around his eyes pulled tight. His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows the emotion I feel forming as a lump in my own throat.

There’s no markings on the building to indicate it’s a group home, but there weren’t then either. I start across the street and Alessandro moves with me. It takes me a long time to lift my finger to the buzzer.

It’s a full minute later when a Latina girl, maybe fifteen or sixteen, opens the door. “What?” she says, chomping on gum and planting one hand on her jutted hip.

“Um . . .” I swallow. “Is this still a group home?”

She spits out a bitter laugh. “You our new counselors?”

“No.” I glance back at Alessandro, whose expression is stone. “We used to live here . . . a long time ago.”

A cynical smile curves her lips. “Back to relive the best years of your life?”

My stomach clamps. “Is there a chance we could come in?”

Alessandro’s grip on my hand tightens to the point I’m afraid he’s going to break something, but I don’t shake him off.

She swings the door wide. “Knock yourselves out,” she says over her shoulder, already disappearing down the hall to the kitchen.

I breathe deeply to settle my nerves and notice the sickeningly familiar stench that hangs in the air—the unmistakable scent of hopelessness. “It hasn’t changed much.”

We step through the door into the hallway, and when my eyes focus in the dim light, and I see the hole in the wall near the door, I flash to Lorenzo putting his foot through the wall in nearly the same place one day when he was fighting with Ms. Jenkins.

“It hasn’t changed at all,” I amend, closing the door behind us.

Halfway up on the right, I see the door to the basement. Alessandro follows me as I pull it open and start down the stairs. The deeper we descend, the more it smells like mildew, dirty laundry, and stale cigarette smoke. When we get to the bottom and flick on the rec-room light, I swear it’s the same furniture—the saggy brown couch and sticky blue chair.

Alessandro is frozen next to me, his eyes locked on a brown stain on the filthy carpet next to the couch. His olive completion has gone gray, and he looks like he’s going to be sick.

“Breathe, Alessandro,” I say softly.

His eyes flick to me, as if I’ve broken whatever spell had him locked there. He hauls a deep breath, holding it for a second, before exhaling slowly through pursed lips.

I squeeze his hand. “Are you okay?”

He nods, but his expression says otherwise. “A lot happened in this room.”

My eyes slide to the couch and I see the clear image of a scrawny girl with reddish black kinks draped over a long, lean boy in dirty jeans, with messy black hair. I shake the image away as tears pool in my eyes. “Yeah.”

He lets go of my hand and moves slowly around the room, stopping once near the corner where he always sat with his sketch pad, noticing too much. He moves to the couch and looks down at it a long moment with moist eyes. “I really believed I loved you.” His eyes lift to mine. “I never would have done . . .” His face pinches as he trails off. He turns and drops onto the couch with his forehead in his hand.

I move to sit next to him, my insides clamped tight. “What happened was as much my fault as yours. I was scared, and alone, and I just needed to feel something.”

He hauls a deep breath and lifts his head, gazing at me with pleading eyes. “I’m so sorry, Hilary. For Lorenzo. For me. For everything.”

“I know. Me too.”

He loops his arm around me, and I rest my head on his shoulder. And I hope this time, he doesn’t see my tears.

ON THE WAY back to the subway, I steer him down Second Street, past the Catholic youth center. I walk him right up to the door and open it, then nudge him through. “Talk to them.”

He catches a corner of his lower lip between his teeth and fixes me in his anguished gaze. But then he turns and moves deeper into the room, to a nun who’s tacking a paper to a corkboard near the door. “Hello,” he says in a slightly unsteady voice. “I was wondering if you were in need of volunteers.”

I step back onto the sidewalk and wait. Fifteen minutes later, he comes out. He presses his lips into a line and nods, like some really difficult task is done. When he slips his arm around my shoulder and guides me up the sidewalk, I lean into him.

He squeezes my shoulder, and kisses the top of my head, and that, more than anything else today, is enough to bring tears to my eyes.

“DO YOU NEED anything, Brett? More turkey? Or stuffing?” Mallory is all over him like white on rice. He almost never comes here, but when he does, she waits on him like he’s the freaking maharaja or something. I think she thinks she’s making up for me. Like, if she’s uber-nice it will make up for my bitchiness and he’ll see that he really wants to sweep me off my feet and into a three-bedroom, two-bath Cape with a picket fence in a random New Jersey suburb, where we can have a life like hers and Jeff’s.

The thought makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

I mean, I get it. I do. She wants to be everything our mother wasn’t and she’s terrified I’m treading Mom’s path. But her lifestyle isn’t for everyone, and it’s definitely not for me.

“So tell us about your show, Brett,” she says.

His eyes shoot to me before he looks at Mallory and shrugs. “It’s just about five college guys trying to figure shit out.”

Her eyes widen for an instant and flick to Henri and Max. Max is intensely focused on making his mound of mashed potatoes into an igloo around the puddle of gravy in the middle, but Henri is looking at Brett and grinning widely.

“Oh,” Mallory says, gaining back her composure. “How is it being received?”

Brett’s mouth tightens as he lifts his eyes from his plate again, annoyed at the string of questions. “So far we’re selling out and the reviews are good.”

“There’s a scene where Brett strips,” I say through a mouthful of green-bean casserole. “The reviewers love it. It’s totally hot.”

Mallory asks about the tour, and conversation for the rest of dinner is just as awkward. When we’re done, Mallory brings out the apple pie and vanilla ice cream. She serves it up and we eat in front of the football game in the family room.

“So, what do you think of the Jets’ big trade?” Jeff asks Brett.

Brett scratches his chin and looks at Jeff for a second before saying, “Um . . . I don’t really follow the Jets.”

Jeff cracks a smile. “You’re a Giants guy, huh?”

“Not really,” Brett answers with a shrug.

“So . . . basketball?” Jeff tries.

Brett gives another shrug, and this time he almost pulls off apologetic.

Finally Jeff goes back to watching the game. We eat our pie and the only sound other than the game on the TV is the clink of forks on plates.

It’s painful.

And the whole time I’m thinking about Alessandro and resenting Brett. It’s Thursday. This is our day. We should be out somewhere, exploring undiscovered corners of the city. Alessandro and I have a past that should make being together hard. So, how is it that being with Brett seems like so much more work?

I wonder what Alessandro’s doing today. Does he have anywhere to go?

“Auntie! Come help me,” Henri says, shaking me out of my thoughts. He grabs my hand and pulls me off the couch. I set my plate on the coffee table and let him tow me to his and Max’s room. He hands me a Lord of the Rings Lego box. “Carry that,” he says as he grabs a big tub of loose Legos. We bring them back to the family room and within minutes the awkwardness is gone and every adult in the room except Mallory, who’s gone to clean up the kitchen, is on the floor building Helms Deep.

Henri to the rescue.

It takes us almost two hours to finish it, and by that time Mallory already has Max in bed and Henri is yawning.

“C’mon, buddy,” I say, standing from the floor and pulling him up by the hand. He holds my hand tight in his sweaty little one as we walk together to the bathroom. At seven, modesty obviously hasn’t kicked in yet, because he drops his pants and pees with me standing right here. I turn my back while he finishes up, even though he doesn’t seem to care.

“Wash your hands and brush your teeth,” I tell him when he flushes. He does, then he takes my hand and tows me to his and Max’s room and pushes the door open.

The room is small, with just enough room for twin beds and a dresser between. There are Transformer prints on the dark blue walls and pencil marks on the white door frame where Mallory has ticked off their height over the years, Henri on the right and Max on the left.

“Shh,” I say as he steps into the room. “Max is asleep.”

He tiptoes all exaggerated into the room and grins at me. I stifle a giggle and follow him in. He finds his pj’s in his dresser, changes, then clamors into bed.

“ ’Night, buddy,” I say, sitting on the edge of the bed and kissing his forehead. “Sleep tight.”

His eyebrows press together. “What does that mean, Auntie?”

“Sleep tight?” I think about that for a second and realize it’s what Mom always used to say when I was little. No, “I love you.” No, “pleasant dreams.” Just, “sleep tight.” “I have no idea,” I tell him with a shrug.

He grins like he always does when he realizes he’s pretty damn smart.

I kiss his forehead again. “Love you.”

He rolls over and curls up on his side, facing the wall. I watch him for a minute, then stand and give Max a kiss on his sweaty little forehead before heading back to the family room.

When I walk into the room, Mallory is sitting next to Brett on the couch scanning through pictures on her iPhone, probably of the boys. He looks up at me with pleading eyes.

“So, I guess we should probably head back,” I say to Mallory, and Brett is off the couch like a shot.

“It’s been great, guys,” he says, lifting a hand, clearly relieved now that the torture is over.

We shrug on our jackets and spill out the door. It’s cold, but not cold, so the walk to the bus isn’t bad.

“You really shouldn’t come to these family things, you know,” I tell Brett as we walk.

“Cut me a little slack here, Hilary. I came all the way back to spend Thanksgiving with you.”

My feet slow and I turn to him. “Sorry.” The truth is, things have been a little strained since he got back on Tuesday. He’s been out partying with his friends, and last night he came home drunk enough that he passed out before he could get his pants off. I sat and stared at him for a long time, trying to convince myself that what we have is still working. But it’s not. Something’s changed.

He blows a long white jet stream behind him and looks at me. “Listen, let’s just go home and get naked and forget the whole thing.”

My stomach twists at the thought.

I only realize I’ve stopped walking when Brett says, “What’s going on with you? You’ve been weird ever since I got home.”

I start walking again. “I’m not being weird. I just have a lot on my mind.”

“That guy?” His tone is measured, and when I look at him, his mouth is pulled into a line.

I never should have told Brett about Alessandro, but everything that happened Monday was still so fresh when he got home on Tuesday that I needed to talk about it, so I told him about our trip to the group home. It was the first Brett even knew about me being in a home. I’ve never really shared much of my past with him . . . or anyone else, for that matter. “He’s just someone I knew a long time ago.”

“Someone who’s back,” he says in that same tone.

“He’s leaving as soon as he sorts his shit out.”

“And you don’t want to screw around with him?” he asks, a cynical edge to his voice. “For old times’ sake.”

“No!” I stop and glare at him, wrapping my arms around my middle. “Christ, Brett.”

He glares back at me a second before pulling his phone from his pocket and answering it. “Yeah.”

I start walking again, but not before I hear a woman’s voice shrieking out of the phone.

“Yeah, sounds good. See you in a few.” He jogs to catch up with me. “So, that was Rob. He’s getting some guys together for poker tonight.”

Unless he’s started some serious hormone therapy, there’s no way that was Rob. “Fine.”

“So, I’ll probably just head straight over there.”

“ ’Kay.” I have no clue why I don’t call him on his lie, except that something about the direction we seem to be going scares me, and it’s more than just losing my Broadway in. Maybe if I ignore it, we can just be how we’ve always been.

Because Brett’s safe. And the alternative isn’t.

Chapter Fourteen

I WOKE UP for a sec when Brett rolled out of bed and left for the airport at ass o’clock this morning. The next thing I know, it’s three hours later and Creed’s “My Sacrifice” is blasting out of my phone. I reach for it on the nightstand without opening my eyes—which is stupid, ’cause all I manage to do is knock it onto the pile of dirty laundry on the floor. The clothes muffle Alessandro’s ringtone and I think about letting it go to voice mail, but then he’d probably just call again. Why is he calling at nine freaking o’clock in the morning, when any normal person should still be sleeping? Is he canceling on me? I roll onto my stomach and drag myself to the edge of the bed, scooping it off the mound. I hit connect and lift the phone to my ear. “What?”

“I obviously woke you,” he says. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I croak. “Are we still on for today, or what?”

“We are,” he says. “But I’m going to need you until four. Is that going to be a problem?”

“Where are we going?”

“You know I’m not going to tell you that, but I will tell you it’s on the Lower East Side, not too far from Club 69.”

“I’ll just bring my work stuff. Eleven, still? At Argo?”

“Yes. I’ll see you in a few hours.”

WHEN I WALK into the Argo Tea with my tiny white Filthy McDermott’s T-shirt and ass shorts in my bag, Alessandro is waiting at a table near the window.

He pushes my cup toward me. “We need to leave in a few minutes.”

“Aye, Aye, Captain,” I say, throwing up a salute.

That gets a smile. “Sorry if I sound like a drill sergeant.”

“Well, you do. You’ve been barking orders at me all morning.” For some reason that comes out sharp, even though I thought I meant it as a joke.

His brows press together. “Are you okay?”

Am I? I feel this antsy, frustrated feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I don’t really know why. “I don’t know.”

“Anything I can help with?”

I haul a deep breath. “I don’t know.”

He bites a corner of his bottom lip. “If it’s about me, Hilary, you know all you have to do is ask and I’ll leave you alone.”

Is it him? Or is it everything else? Honestly, when I’m with him is the only time this feeling seems to go away. “I’ll let you know.”

His eyes narrow almost imperceptibly. “Your boyfriend was home this week?”

I nod and sip my tea so I don’t have to look at him, because, at his words, the frustrated knot in my stomach contracts painfully.

“How was your visit?”

My eyes slip to him and his gaze is intense, like he’s trying to read my thoughts. “Fine. It was fine.”

He nods slowly and I’m not sure whether the expression that slips over his face in that second is relief or chagrin.

I finish my tea and stand, needing to move. “Lead the way, Captain.”

FORTY MINUTES LATER, we climb out of the subway onto Grand Street, and I can’t help but flash back to the last time we were here, after Club 69. I remember how mad I was at him then . . . at everything really, and I realize how much that anger has melted away in the month since then. Is that my problem? My anger fueled me, kept me strong. Am I losing my edge?

Or was my anger just a crutch—a way of keeping people at arm’s length so no one would ever know how broken I am?

He guides me down Grand Street with a hand on my back. “I never told you how impressed I was with your composure that night,” he says as if he was hanging out in my head, a casual observer of my thoughts.

I bark out a laugh. “Because a couple of kids thought I was a hooker? I looked like a whore.”

“You looked stunning.” His voice is low and thick, tightening all the muscles below my waist.

I remember wanting him to want me that night. It was a totally ridiculous plan, but I wanted to punish him and I didn’t know how else to do it. Now I’m not sure what I want to do with him. Because I also remember feeling that same tightening in my groin then and thinking I might actually follow through.

Would I? If Alessandro made a move, showed interest, would I sleep with him again? I know I told myself I wouldn’t, but . . . I really don’t know. My heart simultaneously pounds and aches with the thought.

All that tingling . . . that’s just sex. That’s me getting hot for a really hot guy. That doesn’t mean anything. But this . . . this feels like it’s turning into something else. Something that I promised myself I wouldn’t feel ever again—especially for him.

Because last time it nearly killed me.

“Almost there,” he says, his fingers gliding up from my low back, following the trail of butterflies that he can’t possibly see under my clothes, as if he’s memorized it. As we cross Ludlow, just a block from where those kids jumped me, he wraps his arm over my shoulders.

“I’m really fine, Alessandro.”

“I know,” he says, tightening his arm on me.

He slows near the bus stop just across Essex, and I think maybe this has all been some big diversion and we’re getting on a bus to go somewhere totally different, but then he turns and opens the door next to us and the appetizing scents of yeast and oregano waft out.

“What is this?”

He gestures up at the red awning over the door with a secret smile.

I look up. Pizza for the Masses, it says. Divulging family secrets since 1999.

“Pizza for the masses?” I squint a question at Alessandro.

“They will teach us to make the perfect pizza from the ground up.” He sweeps a hand toward the door, which he’s still holding open.

I step through . . . and God it smells good.

He comes up behind me and slips off my jacket, hanging it on a coat tree there, then lays his hands on my hips, his breath in my hair as he says, “You said you like to cook, and I know you like pizza, so I thought . . .” His lips just brush my ear as he trails off. I rub my arms to disguise my shudder.

A pretty woman with dark hair, wearing a black T-shirt and black apron, comes out of the back. “Are you here for the class?”

“Yes,” Alessandro says, stepping away from me and pulling a folded paper from his back pocket, handing it to her. “We’re on your list. Alessandro Moretti.”

She unfolds the paper and looks it over. “There are two of you?”

Alessandro nods. “Yes.”

She smiles up at us. “The class will be starting soon. Follow me.”

We follow her back to a large, cheery pizza kitchen. In the middle of the room is a long wooden table with a wide metal shelf smack in the middle that runs down the entire length. On the shelf are squeeze bottles with what looks like olive oil, rolls of paper towels, shaker jars with Parmesan cheese and crushed red peppers, wooden spoons, spatulas, and other various utensils. Six grinning people in red aprons are already gathered on either side of the table, talking among themselves. On the back wall are ovens and a large stainless-steel refrigerator, and the walls are cluttered with pizza paddles, spice racks, and shelves of pizza boxes.

The woman hands Alessandro two red aprons. “We’re expecting two more, so go ahead and put these on, then find a spot at the pizza counter. We’ll get started as soon as everyone’s here.”

“Thank you,” Alessandro says with a warm smile.

I expect him to hand me an apron, but instead, he pulls me closer and loops it over my neck, then spins me gently by the shoulders, his fingertips tracing the line of butterflies down my back again as he lowers them to tie my apron at the waist.

Damn, it’s hot in here. And I don’t think the pizza ovens are even on yet.

“You’re ready to cook,” he says, low in my ear. But I’m already cooking. Scorching, more like.

I step away from him before I spontaneously combust and press my cool palms to my flaming face. On the wooden counter are ten marble slabs, five on each side. We take the last two places on the right side of the counter and the woman next to me smiles and says, “You ever done anything like this before?” in a Southern twang that reminds me of Jess.

“No,” I answer.

She leans a little closer and giggles. “Personally, I think the best part’s gonna be eating the results.”

My stomach growls loudly. Other than the tea Alessandro bought me, I haven’t eaten today, and suddenly, between the delectable smell and the thought of a piping-hot pizza, I’m starving.

The last couple shows and settles into the spots across from Alessandro and me, and we spend the next four hours learning how to create a culinary masterpiece. We start by measuring everything we need for the dough into stainless-steel bowls. When Alessandro leans in as I’m kneading it together and peeks in my bowl, I flick flour in his face.

“Mind your own business. I’m not screwing it up yet,” I say, turning to face my Southern tablemate and shielding my bowl from Alessandro’s view. But when I look down at my ball of dough, there’s a cockroach on it. “Shit!” I scream and everyone looks up.

“Sorry,” Alessandro says, lifting a hand at the instructor, a good-looking guy with dark hair in his thirties, who started out by telling us to call him Vic. He’s up front, at the end of the table, in the same black T-shirt and apron as the woman, sending us an unsure smile. Alessandro reaches into my bowl and plucks the cockroach out. He holds up the rubber bug for everyone to see. “Just a little prank.”

I spin on him and glare a dagger. “Jerk.”

He pockets the roach and goes back to kneading his dough, but he’s fighting to keep a straight face. Seeing him struggle to keep it together, I feel laughter forcing its way up my throat. The next second it sputters out through lips that I’m biting together to contain it, and when the damn breaks and it bursts out, everyone looks at me again.

“You two are having way too much fun back there,” Vic says with a grin and a wink.

We go back to work, and when we’ve all kneaded our dough into submission, we leave it to rise while we learn about what goes into authentic pizza sauce. Vic lays out all the ingredients and we slice and dice and throw it all into pots, then season to perfection. As the sauce simmers, we learn to stretch our dough onto pizza paddles and Vic talks us through toppings.

“Almost anything goes,” he says, then his eyes flash to me and he grins. “Except cockroaches. We frown on that.”

I roll my eyes, but crack up again.

Soon after, our first pies are in the oven. Alessandro has topped his with basil and tomato. “A classic Margherita,” he says.

I’ve gone with bell peppers, red onions, olives, and pepperoni. My favorite.

They come out of the oven and Alessandro slices his and pulls up the first wedge, turning it for me to take a bite. “Try it.”

I bite off the tip, and between the dough and the sauce and the blend of cheeses, it’s really amazing. “Wow.”

“Sometimes less is more,” he says.

I raise my eyebrows at him and glower. “Are you dissing my pizza?”

“Certainly not,” he says with feigned indignation.

I pull up a wedge and turn it for him to take a bite. He does and as he chews, his eyebrows arch and he smiles. “And sometimes more is more,” he says after he swallows.

We each take the rest of our dough and make another pizza, and this time I go for the anchovies. I actually like them, but I don’t usually order them because, if I’m sharing with Brett or Jess, no one else is going to touch them. But when I look at what Alessandro is doing, he’s got anchovies on his too.

“No way,” I say.

He looks up at me, then down at my pizza and smiles. “Great minds . . .”

By the time the class is over, I’m stuffed and have two pizza boxes full of pizza to take home with me. “God, I don’t want to go to work,” I lament as Alessandro holds the door and I step through onto the sidewalk. I’d seriously consider calling in sick, because I can’t think of anything more depressing than going to the bar after this, but I can’t afford to skip.

“Can I come with you?”

When I look up at Alessandro, there’s something in his eyes that I can’t quite read. “Why?”

He takes my pizza boxes and stacks them on top of his then tucks them all under his arm. “I had a nice time today, and I have nowhere else I need to be at the moment. I guess I’m not ready for the day to end just yet.”

My stomach kicks, because what I realize just this second is that frustrated, wrong feeling I had waking up next to Brett is gone. As a matter of fact, everything feels right for a change. “Only if you promise to check your cockroaches at the door.”

He smiles. “Done.”

We walk into the bar and Alessandro finds a stool as I head to the bathroom to change. I’m a little embarrassed for him to see me in my Filthy’s getup, but there’s not much I can do about it. When I come out five minutes later, he’s deep in conversation with Jerry, who’s scarfed slice of pizza from Alessandro’s box. There are two other groups in the bar, clustered into booths, and Bill-Bob and a buddy at the end of the bar. As usual, Jerry’s got the stereo blaring over the TV, which has a NASCAR race on at the moment.

“There’s not a welterweight that’s gonna touch Velasquez,” Jerry is saying as I head behind the bar.

Alessandro’s eyes catch on me as I pass, and I see them widen before he answers Jerry. “I think Jackson can give him a run for his money. And possibly Brady.”

“A friendly wager?” Jerry prompts, dollar signs dancing in his eyes.

“I’m not much of a gambling man,” Alessandro tells him with a smile.

“Stop trying to swindle the customers, Jerry,” I say, brushing him aside. I set a bar napkin down in front of Alessandro. “What do you want?”

I see him trying and failing to keep his eyes on mine instead of letting them slip down the front of my skintight T-shirt to the Filthy’s logo over my chest. Seeing his struggle sends a shiver through me. I feel my nipples harden with the rush, and I know he notices when his face flushes through his olive skin. “What’s on tap?”

“Jerry only carries the good stuff,” I say with as much sarcasm as I can muster, looking right at him. “So your choices are, Bud, Bud Light, Miller Lite, Coors, or Samuel Adams, which is the only thing we have on tap worth drinking, in my humble opinion.”

Alessandro leans into the bar and smiles, and in the dim lighting I see a spark in his eye. “I trust your humble opinion. Sam Adams, please.”

Jerry smirks and heads into the office while I grab a mug and pour Alessandro’s beer.

“I’m considering interviewing for the director of Teen Services position at the Catholic youth center.”

I set his beer on the bar in front of him as my heart skips. Does this mean he’s staying? “That would be amazing.”

He pulls the mug closer and my eyes are glued to his hand as he traces the handle with the tip of his index finger. I catch myself wishing that finger were tracing something else. Something attached to me. “The nun mentioned it when I was in there Monday and I dismissed it, but I’m having second thoughts. Throughout my seminary training, children have always been my passion. I’ve established youth centers in Corsica and at my parish in Rome. This just feels right—like a way I could make a difference for other kids like Lorenzo and me.”

My heart feels like it might explode. I think this could really help him. “Alessandro, I think you would be perfect for that. You should definitely interview.”

He lifts his mug, drawing a long sip, then sets it down, locking me in his gaze. “Thank you for making me walk through those doors. I never would have found it in myself to go back to the Church on my own. Being unable to follow through on my vow is one of my great failures. But, now . . . maybe I have another chance.”

“Can I get another one down here?” Bill-Bob calls from the end of the bar, jiggling his empty mug in the air and reminding me why I’m here.

But, even still, it takes me a second to free myself from Alessandro’s gaze. “Got it,” I yell back, flipping a fresh mug off the rack.

I feel Alessandro’s eyes on me as I fill it and I’m suddenly embarrassed. He spends his days at the Y helping inner-city kids try to make something of themselves, and I spend mine strutting around in ass shorts and getting old guys drunk.

I pour the foam off the top of Bill-Bob’s mug. “Welcome to my glamorous life. Just so you know, this isn’t my real job.” I say it, but then laugh at myself, realizing that’s kind of like those stupid bumper stickers on the backs of twenty-year-old Ford Fiestas that say My other car is a Porsche. “I mean . . . it’s not what I want to do.”

“Broadway,” he says.

I nod. “There’s a part I have a real shot at. The audition is Tuesday.”

When I glance up at him, he’s tapping his index finger on the side of his mug as if thinking, but his gaze is locked on me. “There is nothing wrong with your job, Hilary,” he finally says, like I just need to accept that this is the best I’m ever going to do.

I walk the length of the bar and slam Bill-Bob’s beer down in front of him, sloshing some over the rim, then storm back down the bar to Alessandro. “I will get a part.”

“I’m quite sure,” he says, tracing the rim of his mug with his index finger, and I realize my anger is misdirected. I’m really just frustrated with myself. And scared.

I blow out a sigh. “Sorry.”

He shakes his head. “No need.”

I pick up the bar rag to go clean up the mess I made in front of Bill-Bob, and scream when a giant cockroach flies out of it. It lands on the counter below the bar and I start beating on it with the bottom of a beer mug.

But it just bounces around. No guts.

And then I realize.

“You bastard,” I mutter, picking up the rubber bug and slipping it into my pocket before anyone else sees it and thinks it’s real. When I look up, Bill-Bob and his buddy are staring at me. “False alarm,” I say with a wave of my hand. And when I turn to look at Alessandro, he’s got a smug smile plastered to his face.

I glare and spin to wipe up Bill-Bob’s mess, and when I come back, Alessandro is gone, his half-full beer still on the bar.

I’m pissed, but I didn’t really want him to leave.

I pick his mug up off the bar, but just before I dump it I notice his jacket still draped over the barstool. I set the mug back down as he comes out from the hall to the restrooms.

“I thought you left,” I say.

He tips his head at me as he slides back onto his stool. “I thought you’d want me to.”

“I do. Sort of.”

“Hmm . . . sort of,” he purrs through his accent, his eyes gliding over me again. “That’s tricky. Because the thing here is, if I stay, you’ll wish I’d left, but if I leave . . .” He trails off, leaving the thought dangling.

When I finish the sentence in my head, it comes out something like: I’d be really bummed. “You can stay, but I’m confiscating all your cockroaches,” I say, holding out my hand.

He slips his hand into the front pocket of his jeans and comes out with the other one. I take it and tuck it into my pocket.

He sips his beer. “Tell me about your audition.”

I spend the next hour, when I’m not pestered by customers, telling Alessandro about the part. And then I can’t stop talking. I catch myself telling him things I’ve never told anyone, dreams I’ve barely dared to think, let alone say out loud. “I’m good, you know? I know I can prove that if I can just get my foot in the door. I know someone will see me and I’ll get my break,” I say, wiping down the bar between Alessandro and me for the twentieth time.

As I say it, the last of that frustrated tension slips out of my shoulders. I look up at him and his gaze is deep and steady, as if he’s looking into my soul, and nothing he sees there surprises him. I’m suddenly transported back to the group home. He’s on top of me in my bed, his sixteen-year-old eyes looking down at me just like that.

I shake the memory out of my head. That was a lifetime ago. This is now.

“It’s just hard waiting,” I say, tearing my eyes away from his.

“Keep the faith, Hilary.” His voice is low and sure and somehow he makes me believe it will happen—like maybe because he was almost a priest, he has more pull upstairs.

Because, let’s face it, I need all the help I can get.

Chapter Fifteen

“HILARY MCINTYRE HERE to see Roseanne McIntyre,” I tell the guard at the counter, a long slender woman with a horse’s face who has her dark hair all tucked up under her guard’s cap.

“Sign in.”

I do.

“ID,” she says, holding out her hand.

I jump through all the usual hoops and sit in a chair while I wait for them to “announce” me. It’s ten minutes later that the guard calls over the desk, “The doctor says she’s not well enough for visitors.”

I push out of my seat and stare at her. “What?”

“He says she’s weak from the chemo and you should come back later in the week.”

“Chemo . . . ?”

She squints at me. “You knew, right? That your mom has cancer?”

I shake my head.

“Oh . . . sorry.”

“Is she . . . ?” My dry throat clicks as I swallow. “Is she dying?”

“She’s receiving the best care there is, courtesy of the State of New York. That’s all I can tell you. You’ll have to talk to your mother if you want any more information.”

“What kind of cancer?” I ask, slowly getting my mind around what she’s saying.

She shakes her head once. “I’m sorry. I can’t share any information without your mother’s consent.”

I just stand here a minute longer, trying to think. “If I leave a message, could she call me back?”

“Yes. She’s allowed phone calls.”

I step up to the desk. “Do you have something I can write on?”

She pulls a scrap of paper and a pen from the drawer and slides them over the counter.

“Thanks.” I pull them toward me and just stare at the paper for a long time. What am I supposed to say?

Mom,

Why didn’t you tell me you were sick? I came for our visit today, but they said you’re weak from the chemo. Please call me as soon as you can.

Hilary

I slide it back to the guard. “Can I get into the visitors’ room? I just need something from the vending machine.”

She holds out her hand. “What do you need?”

I fish in my pocket and hand her a dollar. “An Oh Henry!”

She nods and brings the bill to the door, where she hands it through to the guard inside and mutters something that I can’t hear. A minute later, the guard is back with an Oh Henry!, passing it through the door. The guard at the desk hands it to me and I wrap my note around it.

“Can you make sure she gets this?” I ask.

She nods. “I’ll have someone bring it right in for her.”

“Thanks,” I say, turning for the lockers.

“She’s really proud of you, you know.”

I look back at her. “What?”

“She talks about you all the time . . . says you’re going to be a big Broadway actress. She’s even petitioned for a furlough for your opening night.”

I just stare at her. She’s got to have Mom confused with some other inmate. “My mom is Roseanne McIntyre.”

She squint-smiles, like she thinks she’s said too much. “I know.” She holds up the Oh Henry! wrapped in my note. “I’ll make sure she gets this.”

I collect all my stuff and turn for the door in a daze. Mom has cancer. I knew she looked bad over the last few months, older every time I saw her, but cancer? My insides pull into a hard knot.

Mom has cancer . . . and she’s proud of me.

I walk back to the train station thinking about my audition on Tuesday. If I get this part . . . if they give Mom the furlough, will she be around to come to my opening night?

I have to get this part.

“You want me. I know you do,” I say, deciding to rehearse my lines again.

I pause where my male counterpart will respond that, yes, he wants me, and mime unbuttoning the top button of my blouse.

“Then take me,” I say with an air of desperation.

Mime unbuttoning another button as he responds that it’s not right for us to give in to our desire. There are other people we need to consider.

A tear in my eye. “Who cares what’s right. We need each other like oxygen. I can’t live another day without you.”

Unbutton. We must exercise restraint, he responds.

“No! I can’t! I can’t wait for you another day. Tomorrow will swallow us whole if we let it.”

Unbutton.

“We can either live life scared,”

unbutton,

“or live life.”

Unbutton.

“There are no other choices.”

Slide shirt off shoulders.

Mom has cancer.

I hang my head and blow out a long white breath that trails behind me in the cold December air. Last time I was here she said something about if I loved her I’d have brought her cigarettes. I remember thinking that I didn’t. I was wrong. Pretending I didn’t really care—that I was just visiting out of some family obligation—felt safer, I guess. But the truth is, regardless of everything, she’s my mother and I love her. I feel the threat of tears and swallow them.

When I make the train station, I have a half hour till the next train back to the city. I go over my lines again, but I can’t focus.

Dev blasts out of my bag and I grab my phone, thinking it must be Mom, but when I look at the screen, it’s Jess. I press the call button, and even before I say anything Jess is already screeching in my ear, “Igotthepart Igotthepart Igotthepart!”

“Wow, Jess! That’s fabulous.” And I really am happy for her. Really. “Tell me the whole deal.”

“Well, you know how we auditioned for those chorus spots, right?”

“Yeah.”

“One of the secondaries bagged out . . . got offered something else off-Broadway, so they offered me her part!” She squeals the last word.

My heart leaps out of my chest. It’s what every one of us hopes for, some fluky thing that will be our lucky break. “Holy shit, Jess! That’s amazing.”

“I know! I have lines and everything!”

“Solos?”

“Only one small one as part of a bigger piece, but it’s something.”

I breathe out a breath and sink deeper into my seat. “That’s a hella lot more than something, Jess. That’s huge. Holy shit.”

“I know!” she shrieks, and I can almost see her jumping up and down, her ponytail swinging behind her.

If I were there, I’d be jumping with her. “So what’s the deal? When do rehearsals start?”

“After Christmas, and we open in February.”

“We’re going out this week to celebrate.”

“Definitely! I’ve got to go call my mom, but we’ll talk later, okay?”

Something in me warms at the realization she called me first, even before her mom. “Yeah, sweetie. Talk later. Congrats.”

“Bye, Hil!”

I take a breath as I lower the phone and hang up. “Break a leg.”

My mom has cancer.

Damn.

IT’S OVER TWO hours later, and I’ve made all the transfers and am standing at Mallory’s door, but now I find myself hesitating.

She doesn’t even know I’ve been going to see Mom. How am I going to do this?

But she needs to know. If Mom’s dying, Mallory needs to get over herself and go see her before it’s too late. I’ve been stalking my phone, hoping to hear from Mom, but so far, nothing. I don’t even know what the deal is. Maybe she’s fine. Maybe it’s, like, a mole or something that they hacked off.

. . . too weak from the chemo. . .

That sounds like more than a mole.

I press the bell. When no one answers, I pull out my key and let myself in. I’ve no sooner settled into the couch and turned on the TV than I hear the garage door. A minute later, Henri and Max come tumbling through the door into the kitchen, fighting over some Happy Meal toy, with Mallory just behind them.

“Auntie!” Henri squeals, running across the family room and tackling me.

“Hey, buddy. How was school?” I ask, ruffling his sable mop.

“Jeremy Timmons brought his tarantula and we watched it eat a cricket!” he says as Max disappears up the hall.

My stomach squirms a little and I lower myself back onto the couch. “Cool. Was it gross?”

“It ate the whole thing! No guts left over or anything!” he says, clamoring onto the couch next to me.

“I don’t know whether eating the whole thing, or left-over guts is grosser,” I tell him.

Max appears a minute later with a laptop and settles onto the floor on his stomach.

“To what do we owe the honor?” Mallory says, coming out of the kitchen with a sliced apple and peanut butter for the boys.

“We need to talk.”

She looks up at me as she set the plate on the coffee table, and concern flits over her face. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s Mom, Mal—”

But that’s as far as I get before her hand goes up and her face turns to stone. Her whole posture changes at the mention of Mom, stiffening into something hard and unforgiving. “Henri,” she says, “take your snack and you and Max find something to play with in your room, okay?”

“Are you okay, Mom?” Henri asks.

She nods and tries to smile, but it’s pinched. “I just need to talk to your auntie for a minute, ’kay baby?”

“ ’Kay,” he says. He picks up the plate of apples and tugs at Max’s shoulder.

Max grabs his laptop and Henri gives me a concerned glance over his shoulder as they make their way down the hall.

“Is she trying to get ahold of you?” Mallory hisses the second their door closes. “Because if she is, don’t fall for it. Don’t call her back. She’ll tell you some fancy story to suck you in, but she’s a liar, Hilary. You can’t believe anything she says.”

“She’s sick. I think she may be dying.”

She barks out a bitter laugh and rolls her eyes. “Is that what she said? She so full of bullshit.”

“No, Mallory. She didn’t say it. I just came from Bedford Hills and they wouldn’t let me see her because she was too weak from the chemo.”

Her jaw tightens and I swear she stops breathing. I wait until she says something to know whether it’s me going there that she’s stuck on, or whether it’s that Mom really is sick.

“What were you doing in Bedford Hills?”

“Visiting Mom.”

“Why?”

I slouch back into the couch. “Because I just was, okay? I’ve gone on the first of every month for years—ever since I moved out of here.”

Mallory’s face blanches. “She’s poison, Hillary.”

“She’s sick, Mallory! She’s looked really bad over the last six or seven months, but I just thought . . . I don’t know,” I say with a shrug. “I guess I just thought she was getting old and all the drinking and smoking was catching up with her.”

“I don’t want you going back there.”

I shove out of the couch. “Tough shit.”

For a full minute she doesn’t say anything, then, “You really think she’s dying?”

“Yes, Mallory. I’m pretty sure she’s dying.”

She sags into the door frame but hate still runs through her voice as she says, “So, what are we supposed to do, just pretend she didn’t abandon you to the system? Just pretend that everything that happened to you there wasn’t on her?”

“She’s dying,” I say, slumping back into the couch. “I think maybe it’s time to forgive and forget.”

“I will never forget,” she says low through gritted teeth, and that’s when I realize this isn’t about me.

I straighten up. “What did she do to you?”

She looks at me a long minute, then spins for the kitchen. “Don’t go back there.”

I pull myself up and follow her. She’s at the sink, peeling a potato when I walk in. “So we’re just going to let her die all alone.”

She keeps peeling.

I move to the counter and pick up a potato. “You have another peeler?” I ask, pulling open the utensil drawer, but when I look up at her expectantly, I see the tears tracking down her face and dripping onto the counter.

“Mal?”

She swallows hard and sniffles, but doesn’t look up from her potato.

“What’s going on?”

Her whole face pulls tight and she drops both the potato and the peeler into the sink. “Do you remember the day I left?”

I mostly remember the yelling. “Sort of.”

She looks up at me with sad eyes. “You were only ten.”

Mom and Mallory were always fighting about something. I don’t think they knew how to communicate at anything less than a yell, and it usually ended with Mom hitting Mallory. But I remember, at the end of that fight, Mallory was gone and never came back. When I asked Mom, she said Mallory had gone to college. End of story.

“You went to college.”

She shakes her head. “Is that what she told you?”

“Yeah . . . didn’t you?”

She scoops the potato out of the sink and puts it on the counter. “Eventually. But that was just after graduation, Hilary. I was in the city until August.”

“Why did you leave, then?”

She hauls a deep breath, then looks at me. “Do you remember Doug?”

My mind does a quick inventory of the string of Mom’s live-in men. “The big blond one with the gold tooth?”

She nods. “It was graduation night. I was drunk and Carrie and her boyfriend gave me a ride home. Doug was on the couch, watching some old horror flick when I came in. I guess Mom was already passed out in bed.” She lowers herself into a chair, resting her elbows on her knees and holding her face in her hands. “I don’t really remember much . . . just that I stumbled into that little table behind the couch in the family room and knocked some things off it. Doug helped me up and sort of carried me to our room.” She looks up at me. “I don’t remember why you weren’t there . . . probably sleeping over at McKenzie’s or something.”

McKenzie. My friend from “before.” I’d forgotten about her.

“I remember he left and I started tugging off my clothes, but then I looked up and he was in my door, watching me . . .” A tear leaks over her lashes and she wipes her face with her palm. “I screamed, and Doug took off, but when Mom staggered in a minute later, and I told her what happened, she blamed me. Called me a tramp.” She looks up at me with the most tortured eyes I’ve ever seen. “I wanted to take you and go. I wanted to get us both out of there.”

It feels like I’ve been kicked in the gut. “But you left me.”

“I was only seventeen. When she threw me out a few weeks later because Doug whistled at me, I didn’t even have time to grab my stuff. She was crazy, waving a kitchen knife around in the air and threatening to kill me. I kept thinking I’d come back for you . . . that I’d bring you to Dad’s with me. I even went to the house one day to grab you. But you were with McKenzie, and you seemed so . . . normal. I knew I was leaving for college in a few months, so I . . .” She drops her face into her hands. “I just left you there.”

“If you’d taken me, I’d just have ended up in the system sooner, Mallory. There’s nothing you could have done to change that. I couldn’t have gone to Florida with you.”

She lifts her head and looks at me. “Don’t go back there.”

What do I say? “I don’t think . . .” I breathe deeply and lift my eyes to hers. “I don’t think you should leave it like this, Mallory. I think you need to . . . I don’t know . . . maybe if you saw her, if you talked about it—”

“No!” She springs from her chair. “I’m not going to talk to her! I’m never going to forgive her. I’m happy she’s dying, Hilary. I want her to!”

“Mommy?” We both spin on Henri’s voice. He’s standing just inside the kitchen with the empty apple plate. Max is behind him in the doorway. “What’s wrong?”

She wipes her eyes and drags a forearm under her nose, sniffling as she moves quickly toward him. “Nothing, baby. Everything is good.” She smiles and takes the plate from his hand. “You want more apples?”

“Yes, please,” he says.

He comes to me, where I haven’t moved from the table. “Will you build Legos with me, Auntie?”

I stand and ruffle his hair, then pull him into a hug. “Sure, buddy.”

When I glance up at Mallory, she’s pushing an apple slicer down a Granny Smith like nothing ever happened, and I know as far as she’s concerned, the discussion is over. But I’m not going to let it drop. I can’t.

Chapter Sixteen

WHEN I GET to the audition a few minutes early, there’s already one girl in the small break room that I’m lead to. She’s taller than me, and brunette, with a long, thin neck and pretty face. She looks like a dancer, which makes me a little nervous. But I’m not sure she has the body to pull off the partial nude. She’s a little scrawny, to be honest.

“I’m Hailey,” the petite woman who greeted me says. “If you’d like coffee or tea, help yourself.” She waves an arm at the counter where there are pots of both coffee and hot water and a tray of muffins and croissants.

“Thanks,” I say as she turns to leave.

I grab a teabag from the basket, but as I’m pouring hot water over it into the styrofoam cup, I hear someone else come in.

“Help yourself to coffee or tea,” Hailey says again, and when I turn to size up the competition, I almost choke on my own spit.

Blondie.

How the hell did she get the audition?

“Anna?” Hailey says and the pretty brunette stands. “We’ll start with you.” She leads the brunette out of the room.

Blondie pours herself a cup of coffee as I slide into the chair the brunette was just in.

We sit in silence, ignoring each other’s existence, and I go through my lines in my head as I mindlessly flip magazine pages. I spent some time online last week checking out pictures and video of Jared Meeks, the actor we’re reading opposite. He’s hot—longish dark hair and sexy stubble, a great smile, shockingly blue eyes, and muscles on his muscles. I’ve lived my moment onstage with him over and over—the house lights down, stage lights up, the delicious sheen of sweat on his body. I’ve practiced my lines a hundred times with that image in my head. I am so ready for this.

It’s a half hour later when Hailey is back. “Bambi?” she asks into the room from the door. I think it must be a joke until Blond Bitch stands and smirks down at me on her way to the door.

“Freakshow,” I mutter with a scowl at the closed door once they’re gone.

I get up and refill my tea. “You want me. I know you do,” I say into the empty room on my way back to the table. I lower myself into my seat and close my eyes, visualizing how I want this to go. I picture myself, smooth and composed, walking onto the stage. Jared holds his hand out and I take it. “It’s my pleasure to meet you,” he says, squeezing my hand gently, and I say, “I’m a huge fan of your work,” and smile. His eyes scan my body and come back to meet my gaze, and I can tell by the appreciative glimmer in them that he likes what he sees. “Shall we take it from the top?” he asks, and I say, “Perfect.” He lets go of my hand, which he’s still holding because, let’s face it, he wants me, and I say, “You want me. I know you do,” like it wasn’t already obvious to everyone in the room.

“Hilary?”

Hailey’s voice cuts through my imagery and I blink my eyes open. She stands aside in the door. “We’re ready for you.”

Was that fast? Or was I just lost in my fantasy for longer than I thought?

I stand and she leads me up a short hall to an entrance marked stage door.

Deep breath.

I step through the door onto the stage and we pass through the curtain. In the row of seats up front is a curly-haired blond guy who reminds me of a mosquito, with bugging eyes behind thick glasses. And next to him is my leading man, Jared Meeks. I smile down at them and fist my hands into my skirt when I feel them start to shake.

No way.

No way I’m going to lose my composure now. I’ve got this. It’s mine if I just hold my shit together.

“So,” Hailey says from behind me, “Are we ready?”

I glance at her, then back down at Jared. “Yeah! I’m ready whenever you are.”

But Jared doesn’t move. He settles back in his seat and leans toward the curly-haired Mosquito Man, whispering something in his ear. They both laugh and I feel all the blood drain from my face. Are they laughing at me? Already?

My eyes flutter up from them, and halfway back, on the right side of the seats, I see Jess. She’s giving me an encouraging “go on” look. I turn and find Hailey looking at me expectantly.

“What?”

She squints at me. “Do you need a prompt?”

“What?” I ask again. What the hell is going on?

“For your first line? Do you need a prompt?”

“No! I know the line. I’m just . . .” I flick a glance to Jared, who’s stretching like I just woke him up . . . or maybe I’m putting him to sleep. I look back at Hailey, totally confused. “I thought I’d be reading opposite Jared.”

“Not today. When we have our girl, she’ll go opposite Jared, just to make sure the chemistry’s right.” She grins. “It’s your lucky day. You get to go opposite me.”

This is so not how I imagined this. But this part is still mine. I’m going to blow their socks off.

I square my shoulders and put on the confidence of a woman who’s about to proposition a man who’s totally off limits (because he’s married to her dying sister), but who she knows can’t resist her. “You want me. I know you do.”

“I do. You’re sexy and strong, and I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything.”

I unbutton the top button of my blouse while Hailey’s delivering her line. “Then take me,” I implore, unbuttoning the second and revealing my red lace bra.

“It’s not right for us to give in to our desire, Tara. There are other people we need to consider. I have to think of Breanna. I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt her now, when she’s already so fragile.”

I unbutton the third. “Who cares what’s right. We need each other like oxygen. We belong together.”

Hailey steps closer and trails a finger along the butterflies on my collarbone. “Don’t make this harder than it has to be. The doctors say Breanna only has a few more weeks. Days, maybe. When she’s gone, wild horses won’t be able to keep me away from you. But for now . . .” She trails off, lifting her hand to my cheek.

I grab her hand in both of mine and hold it to my face as a tear leaks over my lashes. “No! I can’t! I can’t wait for you another day. Tomorrow will swallow us whole if we let it.” I lower her hand and slide it under my shirt onto my boob (which would be so much more effective, not to mention enjoyable, if it were Jared’s hand) as I unbutton the next button. “We can either live life scared,” unbutton, “or live life.” I unbutton the last button and my shirt slides off my shoulders to the floor. “There are no other choices.”

Hailey pulls her hand off my boob and scratches her nose. “That was great, Hilary.” She turns to Jared and Mosquito Man. “Is that good, or do we need to do it again?”

Mosquito Man raises a hand. “We’re good with the read. What you singing, honey?”

I slide my shirt back on and spend the next five minutes belting out my most heartfelt rendition of “I Had a Dream” from Les Mis. When I’m done, Hailey tells me it was great and they’ll be in touch.

I scoop up my bag and strut as sexily as I can off the stage. Jess launches herself at me when I get to the bottom of the stairs. “You were so awesome!”

“I don’t know why they didn’t have me go opposite Jared,” I lament.

She shrugs. “It’s the director’s call.”

“Well, his call sucked.” I lean my forehead into hers. “Were you here for the other two auditions? How did they look?”

“The first one was pretty nervous. It took her three tries to get through the read without forgetting something. And she didn’t really act it, if you know what I mean.”

“She kept her shirt on,” I say, knowing without having to ask. Amateur mistake. They want someone with a hot body, you need to show them that’s what you got.

“Yeah. And Bambi—”

“Bambi,” I interrupt, rolling my eyes. “That’s got to be a stage name, right? I mean, any mother who would actually name her kid that should be shot.”

Jess shrugs. “That’s all I’ve ever heard anyone call her.”

I shake my head. “So how did she look?”

“She was way over the top.”

I lift my eyebrows at her. “Meaning . . . ?”

“No bra.”

Shit! That bitch.

I glance back at Mosquito Man, who’s still talking to Jared. He shoves Jared’s shoulder and they both crack up over something, then shoot a glance my way.

“Don’t worry, Hilary. You totally nailed it,” Jess says, and I force my eyes back to her. “I could almost feel the shift in your karma up there. The universe is smiling on you.”

“So when are we going out to celebrate your soon-to-be celebrity?” I ask to distract myself.

“We’ll find a free night after we both have our rehearsal schedules,” she says, nudging my shoulder with the word “both.”

I can’t help smiling. “From your mouth to God’s ears.”

“Karma, Hil. The universe owes you.”

“Tell me about it,” I say, looping my arm over her shoulder and heading for the door.

IT’S WEDNESDAY, NOT Thursday, but I’m sitting at Argo Tea anyway. There’s just something about being here that makes me feel calmer, and I need to feel calm right now. I’ve been on pins and needles since the audition yesterday.

I’m holding my cup to my face, breathing in the steam and staring out the window into the gray of an overcast winter New York day when my phone rings. I jump, thinking it might be Hailey about the part, but then I realize it’s Creed.

Alessandro.

I have the fleeting notion that he knows I’m here, but then I realize that’s stupid. He might know me better than I want him to, but he’s not psychic. I connect and lift the phone. “Hey.”

“Hello, Hilary. I’m just confirming we’re still on for tomorrow?”

“Yeah. It’s your turn, right?” It’s actually mine, but I was so stressed about the audition that he said he’d take this week.

“It is, and I think I might have something that will lift your spirits . . . literally.”

“Oh?” I ask, swirling my cup on the table.

“Wear something loose and comfortable.”

I sip my tea. “That’s all I’m going to get, isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“What’s your definition of ‘loose and comfortable’?”

“Something you’d work out in.”

I stop cold, remembering what he does to stay in shape. “Please tell me we’re not boxing.”

He blows a laugh through the phone. “No. I’m afraid of you.”

The twinge of disappointment surprises me. Now that I really think about it, there’s something appealing about the thought of boxing Alessandro . . . maybe it’s that I really want to punch him . . . or see him half naked. “Yeah, well . . . someone I know taught me to throw a pretty mean punch.”

“I’m not foolish enough to get in front of it,” he says in a measured tone. “Besides, what I have planned is far more interesting.”

I take another slow sip of tea. “I’m not sure I like the sound of that.”

“You will.” I hear the smile in his voice and smile back, but then the phone beeps in my ear. I peek at the screen, but don’t recognize the number. “I’ve got another call,” I tell Alessandro, my stomach tightening. “Talk later, okay?”

“Tomorrow. Meet me at my apartment at eleven.”

I don’t have time to voice the “Whoa!” as my stomach loops at the thought of being in his apartment again. I hit connect. “Hello?”

“Hilary McIntyre?” a woman’s voice asks.

My looping stomach stalls midair. “Yes?”

“Hey. It’s Hailey Dunning . . . from the When You Least Expect It audition?”

Everything freezes. Even my blood stops cold in my veins. “Oh. Hi.”

shitshitshit

I realize my free hand is twisted so tightly into my kinks that I’m about to rip a chunk out, scalp and all, but I can’t make myself let go.

“Hey . . . sorry this took so long, but I just wanted to let you know that the director has decided to go another direction.”

My face crumples as a stone drops in my stomach. I untwist my hand from my hair and hold it over my mouth as I swallow back the tea rising in my throat. “Oh . . . okay . . . thanks.”

She blows a sigh into the phone. “Listen. For what it’s worth, I think he’s making a huge mistake. You were perfect for this part. I’m not sure he’s thinking with the right head.”

I sink deeper into my chair, working to choke back the tears I feel threaten. “So . . . it’s Bambi?”

“Yeah. Sorry. But I’ll totally let you know if I hear of anything else.”

The roller coaster ride my stomach’s on continues as it does another loop. “Seriously? You’d do that?”

“I think you’ve got real talent. Just ’cause John can’t see past his hard-on, doesn’t mean you didn’t deserve this part. I’m also going to pass your name along to an agent I know pretty well.”

“Wow. Thanks. That would be totally amazing.” That would be more than amazing. If I had an agent to set me up with more auditions, I know I’d score a part. I’ve learned a lot in the last two years.

“No problem . . . and . . .” I wait through a pause. “There’s one more thing I was wanting to ask.”

“Sure. Anything.”

“That girl you were with at the audition . . .” she says tentatively. “I think her name’s Jess or Jessica?”

“Yeah . . . ?” If she wants Jess for a part, as much as I love Jess, I swear to God I’ll slit her throat.

“Do you have her number?”

Damn. “She’s already got a really awesome secondary part in a—”

“It’s not about a part,” Hailey interrupts. When I don’t say anything, she continues. “I’ve seen her around and . . . do you know if she’s single?”

No way!

“Um, yeah. I think so.”

“I’d like to call her, so . . .”

“Oh.” So, wow. “I feel a little weird about giving her number out. Can I pass yours along and have her call you?” Normally I wouldn’t be nearly this nice, but if she’s going to be my new in, I want to keep her happy.

“Yeah, thanks,” she says, and I think she sounds a little relieved. “That would be great. This is my private cell number.”

“Okay. I’ll let her know.” Could this get any weirder?

“And sorry about the part.”

I start to say, “I’m used to it,” but decide that it would be kind of stupid to admit how many times I’ve been rejected to the one person who might be able to help me. “Thanks.”

I lower the phone and hang my head. I was so sure. I felt like my whole life was starting to fall in place. But this is like a cold splash of reality, right to the face. A hole opens up in my chest as I start to see that it was all just wishful thinking. Everything I thought was going so well is an illusion.

My heart’s still pounding as I bundle myself up and push out into the cold. Instead of the subway, to burn off some steam, I opt to walk home through the park. It’s just starting to snow—tiny flakes that stick on my jacket and in my eyelashes, but melt on the sidewalk. I’m not a big fan of winter, but it’s quiet and cold and, as the lights flicker to life along the footpaths, my heart rate starts to slow.

I take the right when the left would get me home faster and keep walking as the snowflakes get fatter and start to stick to the path. I take the next left onto the Mall without even thinking, and before I realize it, I’m at Bethesda Fountain, the tiled terrace stretching past the fountain toward the lake.

In my minds eye, it’s spring. Paddleboats drift lazily on the water, the thick drone of dragonflies and bees hangs in the humid air, and in the middle of the lower terrace, just in front of the fountain, there’s a mime doing a hideous “trapped in a box.”

A sixteen-year-old Alessandro is sitting on the cement bench to the left of the fountain with his sketch pad.

“Whatcha drawing?” I ask him, nudging my shoulder into his, thinking it’s going to be the mime.

He turns the pad, and I see the sketch is me. My head is resting on the back of the bench and my eyes are closed. I’m tipping my face up to the sun. And I’m smiling.

“Stop it!” I laugh, grabbing his sketch pad and bolting off the bench. Alessandro grins and chases me. I dart around the fountain, and when I glance over my shoulder, I realize Alessandro went around the other way. I cut back the way I came, looking over my shoulder for him, and see him coming fast. But, just as Alessandro catches up to me, I slam into the mime.

Alessandro catches me in his arms as the mime drops a string of every curse word he can think of on me. But the next second, we’re surrounded by butterflies.

I reach up to catch one and a fat, wet snowflake splats on my forehead, wrenching me out of the memory.

And the next second I’m sobbing.

I stand here in the middle of the lower terrace with my face in my hands as tears heave out of my soul in a stream that I can’t stop. I’ve been grieving the girl I was with Alessandro for eight years. It’s the only time in my life I was ever truly happy. I know, even if Alessandro had stayed, things would have changed. But as I look at what I’ve become, I realize every bit of hope, and trust, and love I felt that day died a long time ago, leaving only the tough, gritty bits behind.

But now Alessandro’s here, and I feel the dead parts of me coming back to life. Being with him again might gain me back my soul, but at what cost?

Too much has happened. There are too many secrets. I have so much to gain, but more to lose.

I have everything to lose.

Chapter Seventeen

I CALL JESS on the way to Alessandro’s the next morning. “Hey, sweetie,” I say when she picks up. “You’ve got an admirer.”

“If it’s that guy you were dancing with at Sixty-nine, I might be interested,” she sings.

“You’re gay, Jess.”

“Yeah, well . . . so who?”

“Remember Hailey, from my audition?”

“Oh, my God! Did you get the part?”

“Um . . . no.”

There’s a long silence. “You’re joking, right?”

“Tragically, no. Bambi got it.”

“Bambi!”

I have to pull the phone away from my ear at her screech. “That’s what Hailey said . . . which is really why I called.”

There’s a pause, then a confused, “What?”

“You know the girl I read with at that audition?”

“Oh, yeah. The cute blonde. What about her?”

“I think she’s crushing on you, Jess. She wanted your number.”

“Seriously?” The curious lilt to her voice tells me she’s not disgusted by the idea, which is good.

“Yeah. So if you’re okay with calling her, I’ll text you her number.”

“Yeah. Sure. Why not?”

“And she’s setting me up with an agent, Jess, so try not to break her heart right away, ’kay?” She laughs and I can’t help but smile. “Texting you now. Tell me how it goes.”

“Great. Oh! If you hear of anyone who needs a roommate, mine’s moving out on the first.”

“I’ll keep my ears open, sweetie,” I tell her. “Talk soon.”

When I get to Alessandro’s apartment at 11:15, I ring the bell, and when he buzzes the door to let me in, I tell him to meet me downstairs.

I’m in warm-ups and a T-shirt under my jacket, and when the elevator door opens, and Alessandro steps out, I see he’s in the same.

“You didn’t want to come up for tea first?” he asks.

“No. Thanks.” I know I should just tell him now, but he’s planned something and I know how excited he gets about it. I’d feel worse than I already do if I ruined it for him.

He nods. “We only have a few minutes before we should go anyway. Can’t hurt to be a little early.”

I keep my distance as we walk to the subway, staying far enough away that he doesn’t try to put his arm around me.

“How has your week been?” he asks, and I can tell by the caution in his voice that he knows something’s up.

“Fine.”

I feel the weight of his gaze grow heavier. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. Everything’s fine.”

“Fine,” he repeats slowly, as if turning the word over in his mind and examining it from all angles.

“Fine,” I say, and try to sound light.

We turn the corner and start down the subway stairs.

“Is it something I’ve done?”

I shoot him an annoyed glance. “No, Alessandro. It’s nothing you’ve done.”

“Then it is something.” It’s not a question.

I spin on him where we stand at the bottom of the stairs. “Why do you want to do this now?”

He gazes into my eyes for a long heartbeat before answering. “Because the fact there’s something to ‘do’ means you’re upset. If you’re upset, I want to know why. Especially if it’s me who’s upset you.”

I take a deep breath and try to remember that I’m the problem here, not Alessandro. “I can’t do this.”

“Do what?”

I wave a hand in a circle between us. “Whatever we’re doing. I can’t spend time with you anymore.”

His lips press into a line and he nods. “I know.”

That is so not the answer I was expecting. “What do you mean, you know?”

He stuffs his hands in his pockets and twitches a grimace. “I’ve always known you and I spending time together was a bad idea. I just . . .” The misery in those amazing charcoal eyes as he trails off is almost enough to make me change my mind. “I’m so glad you’ve let me know you for these past few months. It’s helped me more than you can ever know to see how well you’re doing. You’re an incredibly strong woman—beautiful and intelligent . . . you’re everything I hoped I’d find when I came looking for you.” He lowers his gaze. “But you’re right. You shouldn’t . . .” He shakes his head. “You’re right.”

“Good . . . so, yeah.” It was just guilt. That’s all this was to him—just a big pity parade. I was stupid to think he might be feeling any of the things I was feeling—that he’d be upset when I told him we can’t spend time together. He came, he saw, and I’m sure he’s been ready to bail for a while. He’s probably relieved.

“Come on,” he says, taking my elbow and guiding me toward the northbound platform. “I’ll see you to your train.”

We get to the platform just as a train is pulling in. The doors open and I step through. When I turn, Alessandro is still on the platform. “Where were we going, anyway?”

But the doors whoosh shut before he can answer.

We stare at each other through the glass for another beat of my dying heart, then the train glides out of the station. As soon as it hits the tunnel, tears are tracking down my face, but I choke them back. This is how it has to happen. It’s the only way to keep my secrets safe.

WHEN I FINALLY pull myself out of bed at noon, I realize it’s Thursday. I’ve survived a week without Alessandro, but today is our day. I drag myself through the shower and get dressed. Then, to stop myself from missing him, I call Jess.

“Hey!” she says when she picks up.

“Hey. I was thinking of doing a little Christmas shopping. You in?”

“Def! When?”

“Now, if you’re ready.”

“Where do you want to meet?”

I think about who I have to buy for. “I don’t know. Macy’s maybe?”

“We’ll get better deals at Century Twenty-one. Meet me there in an hour?”

Century 21 is just a few blocks from the World Trade Center memorial. I’ve avoided it for no reason in particular, but suddenly, I feel the overwhelming urge to see it. “Have you ever been to the WTC memorial?”

“Sure. A couple of times.”

“Do you mind going back? I’d like to see it.”

“You’ve never been?” she says, surprised.

“No, but I’m feeling like I should go, you know?” I haven’t seen Alessandro since I left him standing on the subway platform a week ago. I can’t see him again. I don’t know if that’s what’s behind the sudden compulsion—that it’s a way to feel connected to him without actually being with him—but I feel drawn to see it.

“Yeah, sure. We can do that first, if you want. I’ll meet you at the corner of Church and Vesey? We can walk over.”

“Thanks, Jess. See you in an hour.”

JESS IS ALREADY there, leaning on the wall near the post-office entrance of the Federal Building, when I walk up to the corner. She takes one look at me and the smile falls off her face. “What happened?” she asks, pulling me into a hug.

I hug her back, way longer than I normally would. “What didn’t happen would be easier to answer.”

“Is it the part? It sucks, Hil, but you’ll get the next one. I just know it.”

I let her go and start toward where the throngs of people are disappearing around the corner toward the site of the old World Trade Center buildings. The sidewalk is lined on the left with chain-link fencing hung with blue tarps, and behind it, the endless construction continues. “It’s the part, but other stuff too.”

“So start with the big stuff and we’ll work our way down,” she says, looping her arm through mine.

“My mom has cancer.”

“Holy shit, Hilary. You weren’t kidding.”

“No, I wasn’t.”

“How is she?”

“I have no clue because she won’t talk to me. I’ve called every day since I found out three weeks ago and she won’t take my calls. They tell me not to bother making the trip again because she’s refusing to see me.” I shake my head. “I don’t know what I did to piss her off.”

“Jesus,” she says, hanging her head. “That’s rough.”

Some asshole walking backward with a camera slams into me, nearly knocking me over. When I get my balance, I shove him back. “Watch it.”

He glares over his shoulder at me. “Screw you.”

“Back at ya, asshole.”

Jess tugs me away before I take a swing at the guy. “Karma will take care of people like that,” she tells me.

And then I look up and see where we are.

In front of me is the block where the World Trade Center buildings stood before the attack. It’s now a cobbled park with two giant reflecting pools where the bases of the buildings use to be. We move closer and it becomes noticeably more hushed, the cacophony of chattering tourists dropping to a rustling of whispers. The reverence is clear in the face of everyone around us. Inside me, everything shifts, and I feel the sudden urge to go back and apologize to the guy with the camera.

“Can you feel the energy here?” Jess whispers. “It’s different than anywhere else in the city.”

And for once, I think I kind of get her, because it does feel different.

Out of the total blue, a huge knot of grief forms in my chest and tears spring up behind my eyes. And the image that accompanies those feelings is a beautiful sixteen-year-old boy without a father.

I heard the sirens. I felt the city scream. What happened that day changed everyone. But Alessandro’s father died here, and his life changed in ways I can’t even imagine.

I move to the edge of the enormous pool where the north tower used to be and walk around the edge, scanning each name engraved into the side and looking for one with the last name Moretti. I find it halfway around the second side. Lorenzo Moretti. So, Lorenzo was a junior. I lean into the edge and trace my fingers over his engraved name, sniffling into the sleeve of my jacket.

He was assistant chef at Windows on the World, at the top of the north tower. He walked with Lorenzo and me to the subway when we left for school that morning, and that was the last we ever saw of him.

Tears come harder at the memory of Alessandro’s words—at the memory of the haunted look in his eyes as he said them. I imagine him here, standing just where I am as an adult, finally grieving his dead father.

Ghosts.

Jess steps up next to me and lays a hand on my back. We just stand here for what feels like a really long time as I imagine Alessandro’s family before. Two parents. Lorenzo, the troublemaker. And Alessandro, the adoring little brother.

I remember how he was when I knew him . . . always trying to sort through his feelings. Trying to make sense of the world and all the shitty things that happen in it—trying to make sense of why his father died, and why his mother left him.

That was his way of trying to stay sane in an insane world.

Finally, when I feel the knot in my chest start to ease, I scrub my sleeve across my face and back away from the pool.

“You okay?” Jess asks.

I nod and we head back the way we came.

I come away from the Century 21 two hours later with a bottle of Brett’s aftershave, a scarf and some gloves for Mallory, a graphic T-shirt for Jeff, a new Lego set for Henri, and finger paints for Max, because Mallory mentioned his physical therapist said tactile things would help his sensory integration, what ever that means. I couldn’t find anything that I thought they’d let Mom have in prison.

“So, we only got to number one on your list earlier,” Jess says as we trudge back to the subway. “What else?”

We start down the stairs into the subway. “There’s a guy.”

She glances at me as we reach the bottom. “Other than Brett?”

I nod.

“The one you were dancing with at Club Sixty-nine? Because I’ve gotta tell you, that guy made me question my sexual preference.”

“I don’t really know what’s going on with us. I mean, I’m with Brett, and I’m not looking for anyone else, but . . .” I hang my head.

“You just met him, right? He’s got that dark, mysterious thing happening. It’s hotter than hell, but as soon as you get to know him, you’ll find out he wets the bed and still lives with his mommy or something. Not that I’m a big fan of Brett’s, but the grass is always greener, Hil.”

We slide our MetroCards and walk through the gates.

“I didn’t just meet him. I’ve known him forever.”

She shoots me a glance as we weave through the crowd to the platform. “How long is forever?”

“We were in a group home together when I was fourteen.”

We find a spot on the platform and I can feel her eyes boring into me. “There’s more to that story.”

I hang my head and grab a handful of my kinks. “I was in love with him back then.” And maybe still am. “We kind of had a thing.”

“A thing?” She leans closer and asks, “Did you hand him your V card?”

“No. I handed it to his brother.”

She doesn’t say anything, and when I look up at her, she’s just staring at me. “Please tell me you didn’t sleep with both of them.”

“I slept with both of them.”

She breathes deep. “And now?”

“We do things together, and . . .” I shake my head. “I just like spending time with him, you know? He’s interesting and different and . . .” I shake my head again. “I don’t know.”

She tucks her bags behind her legs and leans back into the wall. “So this guy just showed back up out of nowhere.”

I nod. “But I told him I can’t see him anymore.”

“Because of Brett?”

My stomach knots. I really want to tell her everything—the real reason I can’t be with Alessandro, but I made a promise. “Because of a lot of things.”

She looks at me for a few seconds, like she’s going to push for details, but then she shakes her head. “When it rains, it pours.”

“Tell me about it.”

When I get back to the apartment, I go to the bedroom and wrap all my Christmas gifts. Then, since we have no tree to put them under, I stuff everything back in the bag and stick it in the closet. The gift I already bought for Alessandro is there, in the corner. I pull it out and turn it in my hand. The tube is wrapped in green paper and has a red bow tied around it. And in the middle of the bow is my cockroach.

I put it back and close the door. Brett will be home in a few days. Things will be easier then. Maybe I haven’t given him enough credit—taken our relationship seriously enough. Maybe we can be more than just roommates with benefits.

He’s uncomplicated. He’s predictable. He’s easy. And he’s not Alessandro.

He’s everything I need.

He’s all I need.

Chapter Eighteen

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE and I’m working. So ho, ho, fucking ho. And the cherry on top is that the only person in the bar is Bill-Bob, so I’m probably looking at five bucks in tips.

Brett will be there when I get home from the bar tonight. His flight got into Newark at six. He texted me from the airport to ask if I wanted to come to the cast party. I lied and told him I wanted to, but I was working. The working part wasn’t the lie.

It’s been six weeks, and I know I should be dying to see him. I’m not. But the thing is, I have to stop thinking about Alessandro, and the quickest way I can think to do that is to drown myself in Brett.

I’ve spent the two and a half weeks since I last saw Alessandro working and walking. I’ve got a five-mile loop I do around Central Park every morning now—avoiding Bethesda Fountain. I don’t know if it’s the exercise, or the fresh air, but it’s the only time my mind clears enough that I can think straight. When I’m walking, I know what’s what. I know who’s who. The rest of the time, I find myself pining over things I can’t change. Things I can’t have.

Bill-Bob staggers off his stool and leaves a little before eleven, and when I clear his spot, I see I’m indeed clairvoyant. A wrinkled five is tucked under his empty mug, like he thought it might blow away or someone might steal it.

When the phone rings ten minutes later, I’m leaning on the bar, half asleep. I flip the phone—one of those old jobs stuck to the wall with an actual cord—to my ear.

“Hey, Hilary! How’s it hanging?” Jerry says.

“Low as your Christmas balls, Jerry. And fuck you very much for making me work tonight.” I was so pissed I had to work that I’m actually out of uniform. I’m in my most comfortable jeans instead of my ass shorts.

“Slow?” he asks.

I point the receiver into the empty room. “I can’t hear you over the roar of the crowd, Jerry, what did you say?”

“If it’s slow,” he’s saying when I stick the phone back to my ear, “you can lock up and go home.”

“Do I still get paid for the last three hours of my shift? Because I’m bringing home a whole five bucks in tips.”

He blows a laugh into the phone. “Call it your Christmas bonus.”

That’s all I have to hear. “ ’Night, Jerry.”

“Merry Christmas,” he’s saying, but I don’t wait for him to finish before I slam the phone back into the cradle.

By the time I get home, I’m tired and cranky and I just want to forget the whole freaking day. I twist my key and push open our apartment door, and when it opens, Brett is there on the couch, buck naked and totally ready, waiting for me. When I hear a long moan and a series of grunts from the TV, I know why. He’s got the porn channel on.

He stands and has me pinned against the back of the door in a heartbeat, tugging my coat off. “Miss me?” he asks, a wicked smile on his face and a bleary look in his eyes. That, coupled with the whisky on his breath, tells me he’s totally drunk.

“Yeah. How was the party?”

“You should have been there, babe,” he slurs, tugging at the zipper of my jeans.

He yanks them down, and I keep telling myself I should want this. It’s been a month since we’ve been together.

I want this.

But instead, as he gets my jeans somewhere around my knees, I shove him away and pull them up. “Stop, Brett. I had a shitty night at work and I’m way too tired for this.”

A drunken smile tugs at his lips. “Excellent. We haven’t played this one in a while.” He pins me against the door again and kisses me hard.

I cringe thinking of all our sex games when we first got together . . . his favorite of which was the “reluctant virgin.” I hate myself for ever thinking that was fun.

His hand massages my breast as he nips at my ear. “You’re so fresh, baby. So young. You feel so fucking amazing,” he slurs, starting his role-play.

“Stop, Brett,” I say, shoving him away again. “It’s not a game. I’m just not into it tonight.”

He pulls away and scans me with hooded eyes. “You’re serious.” He grabs himself as his eyes narrow into a glare. “After a month, you’re going to leave me standing here like this.”

A stone sinks in my stomach. But I can’t do it. The thought of sex with Brett makes me physically ill. “I don’t think this is working anymore, Brett.”

He pushes back from the door, his glare sharpening at my words. “What the fuck are you saying?”

“I . . . I’m moving out. As soon as I find a place.”

His face twists. “Fuck that! If you’re moving out, you’re doing it now. You can take your sorry ass and sleep on the street for all I care.” He spins a circle and throws his arms up when he swings around to face me again. “Do you have any clue how many girls I could have fucked on tour, Hilary? Do you? It was a lot. Every night. But you know what? I didn’t do it.” He turns and drops onto the couch. “This is just fucking unbelievable. You breaking up with me,” he adds with a bitter laugh. “Un-fucking-believable.”

“I’m sorry, Brett. I just—”

“Get the fuck out!”

I start to move toward the bedroom for my clothes, but he whips out of the couch and charges me, pushing me hard into the door.

“I said, get the fuck out! Now!”

I scoop my jacket off the floor and pull the door open. When I turn back from the hall, it slams in my face.

“Shit,” I say to the peephole. I turn for the elevator and stumble onto the sidewalk without a clue where I’m going. When I somehow end up on Broadway, I dig for my MetroCard and jump on at Seventy-ninth. I just need to be somewhere else. Jupiter sounds good. I drop into an open seat and fold myself in half, so my forehead is on my knees, lacing my fingers behind my head.

Breathe.

Slowly, my heart rate drops into the non-coronary-inducing range and my head clears a little. When I can finally think, I sit up and look around. Prettily dressed couples are getting on at Lincoln Center. Not every show is dark on Christmas Eve. The ones that are running tonight are just getting out.

Shit.

There goes Broadway.

What the hell am I supposed to do now? All my stuff is at Brett’s apartment, so I’ll have to go back to get it, but then what? I can’t afford a place of my own. Maybe I could bunk with Mallory for a week or two, until I figure out what I’m going to do.

I drop my head into my hands again and try to shut off my mind.

When the whirring stops and I look up, we’re just pulling into Sheridan Square, and all of a sudden, I know where I’m going. I know why I got on this train. I collect my bag and climb the stairs out of the subway onto the street before I lose my nerve. I bump into at least five people as I weave my way quickly up Bleecker Street toward Perry. When I get where I’m going, I punch the button on the intercom at the door and wait. All my nerves feel short-circuited, making me twitchy. After a minute, I hit the button again, holding it an extra few seconds.

No answer.

Story of my freaking life.

I turn and sink onto the stoop, resting my aching head in my hands, trying to pull my shit together and figure out what to do.

“Hilary?”

I look up and find myself staring into Alessandro’s charcoal eyes. All I can do is sit here staring. But the next second, he’s pulled me up by the hand and I’m pressed against his black wool jacket.

“What happened?” he asks low in my ear. “Did someone hurt you?” His accent is soft and soothing, like silk, but there’s an edge of panic to his voice that’s barely concealed.

I shake my head as I try to think. “It’s just . . . nothing.” I push away from him, feeling suddenly self-conscious. “I don’t know why I came here. It was stupid.” I step off the stoop, but he grasps my arm gently before I can get away.

“Come. I’ll find us something warm to drink.” He unlocks the door and ushers me through, then tows me into the elevator and up to his apartment.

His apartment. I’m at Alessandro’s apartment. With Alessandro.

We step into the hallway and my stomach tightens. I told him I couldn’t see him anymore for a reason. I can’t be here. I spin back toward the elevator. “I really should—”

“Hilary,” he warns, and I turn and look at him. “You are obviously upset. Please. Come into my apartment where we can talk.”

His locks me in his sure gaze as he takes my still gloved hand, and I find my feet moving up the hall without my permission. He slides his key in the lock and draws me through the door, closing it behind us. He turns back to face me . . . and I have no freaking clue what to say. What the hell was I thinking, coming here?

We stand here, like, three feet apart, staring at each other for what feels like the rest of my life.

“Can I take your coat?” he finally asks, shrugging out of his.

“Yeah . . . sure.” I peel off my gloves and shove them in my jacket pocket, then slip off my jacket and untwist my scarf from my neck. “Where were you so late?” I ask, handing everything to him.

“I got the director of Teen Services job at the youth center. We worked serving Christmas dinner at the local shelter. Cleanup took a while,” he answers, hanging both our coats on the hall tree just inside the door. He starts toward the kitchen. “I’ve got Coke or—”

“Any rum to go with it?” I ask, following him toward the kitchen.

“Sorry, no.” He opens the fridge and pulls out a half empty bottle of white wine, cocking an eyebrow at me. “This is the best I can do in that department.”

“Sold,” I say, leaning against the counter on the other side of the fridge. I watch as he pulls two glasses down and drains what’s left of the bottle into them. He scoops them off the counter and hands one to me on his way to the couch, where he turns and waits for me.

I follow and lower myself onto the cushions. Alessandro sits at the other end, setting his glass on his coffee table . . . which, I now notice, is modern: glass in a heavy metal frame.

“That’s great about your job,” I say. “Congratulations.”

“Thank you,” he says, swirling his wine. His eyes drop away from mine. “It gives me an outlet.”

“What are you doing there?”

“I coordinate programs to keep kids off the street.”

“What sort of programs?”

He settles deeper into the cushions. “Anything I can think of that a kid would need or want, from tutoring to boxing to computer programming. We have dozens of people from the community who volunteer their time to help the kids.”

My heart pounds as I open my mouth to ask, “So, does this mean you’re staying for a while?”

His holds me in his dark gaze. “That all depends.”

I swallow hard and force air into my lungs. “On what?”

Finally, he lowers his intense charcoal eyes, releasing me. “What happened tonight? Why are you here?”

“Nothing. I’m fine. It’s just . . .” I feel unexpected tears spring up. I shake my head at the words I feel forming in my throat, but I can’t stop them. “All my life, all I’ve ever wanted was to act, you know? Ever since my grandpa took me to see Annie before he died, that’s all I’ve wanted . . . to stand up on the stage where I had everyone’s attention and just belt something out.”

The depth of the blade slicing through my insides as I say this surprises me and I suddenly realize that, even after everything, I really thought I could make it happen. I really thought I could have this. The death of my dream kills my soul a little too.

Alessandro leans in and wipes the tears off my face with his fingertips. “Then you should.”

With his touch, a sizzling electric current sweeps over me, raising goose bumps everywhere, and I realize that, other than slapping him outside Argo Tea, and dirty dancing at Club 69, which hardly count, this is the first time in eight years he’s touched me, skin on skin, no clothes or gloves between us. The feeling scares me. Without Brett as an obstacle, it’s dangerous for me to be here. I brush his hand away more brusquely than I mean to. I take a long swallow of wine, feeling the coolness and tartness of it roll over my tongue and slip down my throat, grounding me.

“When every third person in Manhattan is auditioning for the same three spots, it’s not that easy. You gotta know someone . . . have an in.” I feel my insides collapse at the knowledge that I just left my “in” standing naked in my apartment.

He tips his head toward me. “Surely it can’t be that simple. Talent has to count for something.”

I shrug. “Maybe I’m not as talented as I thought I was.”

I feel that zing again as he picks my hand up off my knee and holds it in both of his. “But you are.”

My reflex is to pull my hand away, but I don’t. “How would you know?”

“Google and YouTube are all kinds of useful,” he says with an impish little smile that stirs something deep inside my belly.

Shit. He’s been cyberstalking me again. “You did not  . . .”

He nods and the smile spreads. “I did. Some of your American Idol clips are really quite impressive.”

I shake my head. “Not impressive enough. I didn’t make it far enough to matter.”

He lifts his eyebrows. “Did it matter to you?”

“Well . . .” I shrug. “Yeah, I guess. I mean, it’s gotten me into auditions I wouldn’t have gotten otherwise.”

“So, use it to its fullest advantage,” he says, his thumb tracing circles over the back of my hand. “Will it continue to get you auditions?”

“I guess . . . for a while. But it doesn’t matter. I never get the callback.”

“So, what needs to happen for you to get the callback?”

“A lot of things, but mostly, I need to learn to dance.”

His thumb stops, mid-stroke. “What kind of dance?”

I breathe deeply. “It doesn’t matter. I can’t afford lessons.”

“What kind of dance?” he repeats with all the patience of a saint.

“Classical . . . modern . . . anything really. I just need to learn to move my body in a way that’s not totally spastic.”

“Are you free Thursday?” he asks, and there’s something in the way he says it that makes me squint a question at him.

“Why?”

He smirks a little, and it’s a totally hot look on that perfect face. “You are bound and determined to make me ask everything twice, aren’t you?”

I roll my eyes. “Yes, I’m free.”

“Can you be at the youth center by ten?”

“In the morning?” I ask, hoping I’ve misunderstood.

His smirk is back. “In the morning.”

“Yeah . . . sure, I guess.” I’m not even sure where I’m sleeping tonight. It sure as hell isn’t going to be at home. Who knows where I’ll be in two days.

He settles deeper into the cushions. “So, what happened tonight?”

It’s like he read my mind. I take a breath, setting my resolve. I can’t tell him. As long as he thinks Brett is still an obstacle between us, I’m safe.

He leans closer. “Talk to me, Hilary.”

“I broke up with my boyfriend.” Damn. Why can’t I keep my mouth shut around him?

He stiffens and something in his gaze shifts . . . becomes more hooded. He lowers my hand and reaches for his glass, taking a sip of wine.

I stand and move to the window, looking out over Perry Street. It’s got to be almost one, but there are still people milling about. A group of guys passes two girls on the sidewalk across the street and both groups slow down and check each other out—the traditional NYC mating dance. Alessandro comes up behind me. I can feel the heat of his body, but he’s not touching me. I turn to face him, and he’s so close.

I feel tears rise and pinch my face against them. “It’s just so stupid. I mean, it’s not like I loved him or anything. I didn’t really even like him most of the time. But it was comfortable . . . easy.”

He hesitates before reaching for me and pulling me to his shoulder. I try to find the strength to push him away. But I can’t. I’ve wanted to be right here, in Alessandro’s arms, for so long. I dreamed of these arms after he left. I dreamed he’d come back and hold me and everything would be okay.

And now he’s here.

As the tears start, I suddenly know this is about more than just Brett. It’s about everything. It’s about Mom and Mallory. It’s about butterflies in the park. And it’s about Lorenzo and Alessandro and everything that came after. It’s about all the pain and loneliness that I’ve stuffed down and denied all my life because it made me weak.

Alessandro’s breath in my hair is warm and soothing. He doesn’t say a word, but he hugs me close and kisses the top of my head, stroking my hair and rocking me gently. When I’ve cried myself out, I peel myself off his chest and look up at him.

“Better?” he asks, brushing the tears off my cheek with the pad of his thumb.

I nod, not trusting my voice.

His thumb slows in its movement across my cheek, then traces my lips as his warm gaze locks on mine. He’s so close. My heart pounds at the image of closing the short distance between us and pressing my lips against his. There’s a long second where neither of us moves, and I’m sure I see the same thought flare in his eyes.

“You should stay here tonight,” he finally says, releasing me from both his grasp and his gaze. “It’s too late for you to be wandering around the city, and I doubt you’re planning on returning to your apartment tonight?”

I blow out the breath I was holding. “Try never again.”

“I can sleep here,” he says, motioning to the couch. “You can have the bed.”

“What a gentleman,” I say with a sniffle and a smirk.

He smiles. “Anything for a damsel in distress.”

I follow him to the bathroom. He pulls a spare toothbrush, still in its package, out of his drawer and lays it on the counter. “If you want to shower, be my guest. There are fresh towels here,” he says, opening the cabinet. He leads me to the alcove where his double bed is and I feel an ache in my belly thinking about sleeping in it, surrounded by his spicy scent. He opens the top drawer of his dresser. “Would you like a fresh T-shirt to sleep in?”

And that’s when I realize I’m still in my smelly Filthy’s T-shirt. “Yeah, thanks. That would be great.”

He pulls out a black T-shirt and lays it on the corner of the bed.

“I think I will shower,” I say, because I feel disgusting in more ways than one.

He nods. “If I can steal a minute in the bathroom first . . . ?”

“Yeah, sure. Go ahead.”

He hesitates for a second, then grasps my elbow and presses a kiss to the corner of my mouth. “I’ll be right out.”

Butterflies erupt in my stomach, but then he’s gone behind the bathroom door.

A few minutes later, he’s back. “All yours,” he says with a wave of his hand.

“Thanks.” I take the T-shirt and close the door behind me.

His tub is an old claw-foot with a showerhead mounted on the wall and a curtain all the way around. I pull the curtain closed and turn on the water. While it warms, I quickly peel off my Filthy’s T-shirt and jeans, then climb in. The water feels so good, tiny fingers washing all the shit away. I stand in it for a long time, then reach for Alessandro’s soap and hold it to my nose. It smells tangy—tangerine, maybe—and I recognize it as the scent under his spicy cologne. I lather up and shampoo, then rinse and turn off the water. As I stand in the tub and drip, I listen for Alessandro, but the apartment is quiet. Maybe he’s asleep.

I step out and dry off, then tug Alessandro’s T-shirt over my head. It’s soft and comfortable and smells like fresh laundry, and somehow just that makes me feel calmer. I turn out the light and slip out the door, and find the apartment dark except for the sidelight on the nightstand next to the bed. Alessandro is lying on the couch in a slant of moonlight, bare-chested with a sheet over his lower half, where I see a Calvin Klein waistband poking out. The sight stalls my feet . . . and my heart.

I wasn’t imagining the body. He’s lean and sculpted, but not bulky. Those pecs are truly spectacular . . . and the cut abs. But it’s the arm tucked behind his head that draws my attention and makes my heart thump back into rhythm: the thick vein snaking along his forearm and up his bulging biceps, the lean triceps, the long fingers curled into wavy black hair that’s a little mussed. My groin tightens and, damn if I don’t want to crawl onto that couch with him.

But I can’t want him like that. This can’t happen.

I shouldn’t have come here.

He presses those lean arms into the cushions and pulls himself to a sitting position, and, in the dim light, I can see the fire in his eyes. He doesn’t say a word, but I know from that look that he wouldn’t turn me away if I went to him.

I stand here for a few more beats of my racing heart, torn between what I know is right and the pull of that gaze. Finally, I give in to the pull. Despite the hot shower, I’m a little numb as I move toward him. He slides over and makes room for me and I lie next to him. He folds me into those arms, and at the feel of them around me my breath catches on a sigh. I burrow into his side and lay my head on his arm. His lips are soft against my forehead, and I feel his hot breath, a little ragged, as he strokes my hair. But his hands don’t touch any other part of me.

I lay my palm lightly on his chest, and my heart constricts as I feel him tense, his breathing stopping for a beat. But when I don’t move it lower, he relaxes a little. We lie here for a long time, his breath on my face and the feel of his hard body against mine doing things to the deepest parts of me.

“Good night, Hilary,” he finally whispers.

“ ’Night,” I whisper back. I work to keep my breathing even as I lie here in Alessandro’s arms, pressed against his perfect, half-naked body, wanting more of him, but knowing I can never have it.

And it’s a really long time before I can sleep.

Chapter Nineteen

“STOP!”

Alessandro’s shout, and the feeling of his body jerking under mine, wakes me from a sound sleep and catapults my heart into my throat.

It’s light outside, soft morning rays painting the walls of Alessandro’s studio with pale pink and gold streaks.

I try to move and feel my limbs twisted into Alessandro’s. He’s hot and I see the sheen of sweat on his forehead as he looks down at me with tortured eyes.

“Did I . . . ?” He rakes a hand through his hair and pulls himself up to sit on the couch. “I’m sorry if I woke you.”

I sit next to him, catching my breath. “What happened?”

“Nothing. I’m sorry.”

“Was it a dream?” Does he have nightmares?

“I’m sorry,” he says again, diverting his gaze, as if he’s embarrassed. He pulls himself to his feet and I see he’s in nothing but a snug pair of white Calvin Klein boxer briefs. For a second I can’t breathe. “I’m going to shower,” he says, reaching up to grasp the hair on the back of his head and flexing that perfect bicep. “Go back to sleep.”

He steps into the bathroom, and a second later the water starts.

I stand and his T-shirt falls around me, and that’s when I realize I just slept all night on a couch with the hottest man I know, in a T-shirt and no underwear. And nothing happened. I’m still standing here trying to figure out how this is going to go when the water turns off. Alessandro step out of the bathroom a moment later with a towel tucked low on his hips. Just the sight of those long, lean arms, the flat, ripped abs, the dark happy trail disappearing under white cotton, knocks the air out of my lungs.

“I neglected to wish you a Merry Christmas in my hurry a moment ago,” he says.

“Christmas?” Lost in my fantasy, I’d forgotten. The reality check shocks me out of my daze.

“All day.” He opens the middle drawer of his dresser and pulls out what looks like a pair of black boxer briefs, then moves to his closet and slips them on under his towel.

“I’m supposed to go to Mallory’s this morning,” I say as I get my bearings.

“I can walk you to the subway as soon as we’re dressed.” He drops the towel and slips on a pair of jeans.

Damn, he’s perfect.

“Yeah . . . okay.” I grab my jeans, bra, and underwear and move past him into the bathroom. “Just give me a sec.”

I close the door and pull my phone out of my pocket. Eight thirty. Christ, it’s early. I see the missed call and my stomach knots. Brett, from just after I walked out. But there’s no voice mail. I don’t return it.

I tug my clothes on, then wet my fingers and run them through my kinks, taking a second to twist a few into ringlets. Once I’ve splash some water on my face and brushed my teeth, I look in the mirror. That’s as good as it’s going to get.

Alessandro has my jacket on the arm of the couch when I come out, and on top of it is a small box wrapped in green paper. “What’s this?” I say, picking it up.

“Your Christmas gift.”

“I have one for you too. It’s back at . . .” Damn. Brett’s. I cringe. “Sorry. It’s at the apartment.”

His lips press into a line. “I’d rather you didn’t go back there.”

“All my stuff is there,” I say, looking down at Alessandro’s T-shirt. “I have to go back.”

“Then I’m coming with you.”

“Why?”

He looks at me for several seconds. “Because I would just feel better if you let me come. Besides, I might be useful.”

I think about my coffee table. There’s no way I’m leaving it behind for that asshole. “Yeah . . . okay.”

I slip the bow off his gift slowly and peel the paper back, revealing a white box. I pull it open, and inside is a delicate silver chain with a tiny orange-and-black butterfly pendant. “It’s one of our butterflies . . . from the park.”

“They’re painted ladies. I looked it up. They sometimes migrate through New York in May, but not always through the city. We were just lucky I guess. I found this at the Natural History Museum gift shop,” he says, fingering the pendant.

I’m going to cry. I’ve done more of that in the last few weeks than I’ve done in the last eight years. I dig my nails into my palm to make myself stop. “It’s beautiful. Thank you.”

He loops a finger under the chain. “May I?”

“Yeah. Sure.”

He plucks the necklace from the box and I spin, lifting my hair so he can fasten it around my neck.

“Got it,” he says after a minute. His fingers brush over the nape of my neck as he lowers his hand and I shudder.

I lower my hair and touch it, where it sits just below the notch of my throat. “How does it look?”

“Beautiful,” he says, smiling down at me. His eyes lift slightly, to my lips, and I can’t help biting the lower one now that he’s looking at them. His eyes seem to lose focus for a minute, but then he clears his throat. “Are you ready?”

“As ready as I’m going to be.”

He picks up my coat and holds it open for me. I let him slip it on and wrap my scarf around my neck as he shrugs into his.

We head toward the subway, and when we turn onto Christopher Street, people are streaming into the red brick church there. Alessandro’s feet slow and I reach for his hand.

“Have you gone back?”

He shakes his head without taking his eyes off the front doors.

“Do you want to?”

He takes a breath and lets it out slowly. “I think maybe it’s time.”

When we walk inside, the place is standing room only. Alessandro hesitates before dipping his fingers in the holy water at the door and crossing himself. I think about skipping it, but instead, copy what he did. We move along the back of the church and tuck into a spot along the wall, between a woman with a squirming kid about Henri’s age and an old man in a wheelchair. Mass is just starting and I watch all the pomp and circumstance on the altar and try to decipher what it all means. About a half hour in, after a few hymns, people start lining up in the aisle for something.

“What are they doing?” I whisper to Alessandro.

“Holy Communion,” he whispers back.

“Are you going?”

His jaw tightens. “I’m deciding.”

“You should go,” I whisper, squeezing his hand.

He glances down at me, with a hint of panic in his eyes. He still doesn’t think he belongs here.

As people start filing back up the side aisle to their pews, I catch a glimpse of Jess, walking with her hands clasped and her head bowed. Just as she reaches her pew, she looks up and sees me. Her eyes widen and she smiles as they flick to Alessandro. She sends me a secret smile and an eyebrow wiggle before sliding into her pew and kneeling with her hands folded on the pew back in front of her.

The longer it goes, the more tension I feel radiate off Alessandro. Finally, just as the line is at its end, I give him a gentle shove and he strides up the aisle to the front. He takes the communion and is back at my side in a minute. He bows his head and looks like he’s praying, and maybe trying not to cry, so I leave him alone.

When it’s all over and people start filing out, Jess fights her way up the side aisle to where we are.

“Hilary!” she says, throwing a hug around me. “What are you doing here?”

“It’s a long, sad story, but the short version is, I came with Alessandro,” I say, waving a hand at him. “Alessandro, this is my friend Jessica.”

He holds out his hand. “It’s my pleasure, Jessica.”

“Call me Jess,” she says, shaking his hand.

“Alessandro! How nice to see you here!” a woman says from behind him, and when he steps aside, I see it’s Mrs. Burke, from his apartment building.

“Will you be okay for a minute?” Alessandro asks, squeezing my arm.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Stop worrying.”

His fingers sweep over my hand and I shiver as he turns to face her.

Jess pulls me back a little from where they’re talking. “Why is he worrying?” she asks low in my ear.

I rip my eyes away from Alessandro. “Because my life just went to shit.”

“Brett? Or your mom?”

“I broke up with Brett last night. No surprise, he threw me out.”

“About time.”

When I look at her, she’s raising her eyebrows at me. “That he threw me out?”

“You weren’t happy, Hilary. Anyone could see that. You should have ended it a long time ago.”

She’s right, so I don’t argue. “Well, now I’m homeless.”

“Hilary?” she says, exasperated, her eyes wide in a what-kind-of-idiot-are-you way.

“What?”

“I told you, I need a roommate. Mine’s moving out on the first.”

I’d totally forgot. After the month I’ve had, this feels like hitting the lottery. “You haven’t found anyone?”

She shakes her head. “I thought I had someone, but it fell through a few days ago. I was starting to panic.” She throws her arms around me again. “It’s karma, Hilary! It was meant to be! This is the universe telling us we’re supposed to be roomies!” But then she pulls away and her eyes flick to where Alessandro is trying to gracefully untangle himself from Mrs. Burke and three other ladies who are sort of swarming him. “So what’s the deal with you and the hottie with the hot accent? I thought you decided not to see him anymore.”

I shrug. “I just sort of ended up there last night.”

She looks at me with an expression that says, “And?”

I finger the butterfly pendant at my neck. “Nothing happened, Jess.”

Her mouth slants in a disappointed half frown as her eyes flick to Alessandro again. “You should come back to my place . . . unless you two have plans.”

“I have to get some of my stuff from Brett’s, and I promised Mallory I’d be there for Christmas.” I look at her. “Where are you going for Christmas?”

“Nowhere. Even if I could have gotten the time off, I couldn’t afford to go back to Biloxi.”

“You’re coming to Mallory’s with me,” I say as Alessandro steps up behind me and lays a hand on the small of my back.

“Are you ready?”

I turn to him, and for a second think about inviting him to Mallory’s too, but then realize that would be a very bad idea. “Yeah.”

We leave the church, and Jess and Alessandro walk ahead, chatting, as I dial Mallory. It’s early, but I know the boys are up. Henri was probably bouncing on Mallory and Jeff’s bed at five A.M.

I press call and wait two rings before Mallory answers. “Hilary. You’re up before noon!”

“Yeah, but I can’t make it this morning. I’ll try to come later.”

“Great,” she says, that familiar disappointment in her voice, and I can almost hear her eye roll. “Henri’s been waiting for you to open anything.”

“I’m sorry. I just . . .” I swallow and my dry throat clicks. “I left Brett last night.”

“Oh, no,” she gasps. “What happened?”

I squeeze my eyes shut. “I was just done, I guess.”

“Are you okay?” she asks warily.

“Yeah . . . I just need to get some things straightened out here. Will you wait dinner for me? I want to give the boys their presents. I have to go back to Brett’s to get them, but I’ll come for dinner, okay?”

“Will you be okay going back there? Don’t do it for the boys’ presents. They’ll get over it.”

“All my stuff’s there. I’ll be fine, though.”

Her breath blusters over the phone line as she breathes out a sigh. “Just be careful and we’ll see you later.”

Chapter Twenty

I RANG THE buzzer from downstairs, but Brett didn’t answer. He probably went to his parents’ in Connecticut for Christmas. I turn the key in the apartment door and push it open slowly, just to be sure he’s not still naked and passed out on the couch or something. When I find the living room is empty, I push the door wider and step through, Jess and Alessandro behind me.

“We’re gonna have to move that thing again,” I say with a gesture at the coffee table, looking back at Alessandro.

He smiles as if that’s in some way amusing.

“Let’s just get your stuff and get out of here,” Jess says, crossing toward the bedroom. “The energy in here sucks.”

But as she disappears through the door, I hear her, “Shit!” then the rustling of sheets and a “Get out!” that’s definitely not Jess’s.

Jess comes back out and looks at me. “Do you have a suitcase or something? I’ll get your clothes.”

Damn. “Brett’s in there?”

“Um . . . yeah,” she says with a glance back at the door. “You really don’t want to go in there.”

“Did that nimrod puke on himself again?” I say moving past her into the bedroom . . . and find Brett and Bambi twisted into the sheets.

Bambi? Seriously?

There’s a split second where I want to be mad, but out of nowhere, a giggle bursts up my throat. The next second, I’m bent at the waist cackling like a lunatic. Alessandro steps into the room, probably to see what’s so funny, and steps out again when he sees a buck-naked Bambi, sitting up in bed.

We’ve got priests and prostitutes and a gay girl from Biloxi. Yep, just your average Christmas morning.

Brett sits up and gives her a gentle shove, his blurry, bloodshot eyes never leaving me. He looks like something the cat threw up. He must have been all kinds of drunk last night to look this bad in the morning. “Go get cleaned up or something,” he tells her.

Bambi looks over her shoulder at him, then glares a dagger at me before standing and disappearing up the hall to the bathroom.

Brett stands, grabbing his warm-up pants from the floor and swaying dangerously as he tugs them on. “What are you doing here?”

I fight for control, cutting off the last of the giggles. “My Christmas gifts are here. If you’d have let me get my stuff last night, I wouldn’t have interrupted your orgy.”

He shoots me a bloodshot glare. “You left me blue. What did you expect me to do?”

“That.” I say, with a wave at the bed. “Exactly that.”

I step into the closet and grab my suitcase, tossing my clothes in. When I come out with my suitcase and bag of Christmas gifts, Brett is sitting on the bed with his head in his hand. I nudge his shoulder with the cologne box, and when he lifts his head, I hand it to him. “Merry Christmas.”

He stares up at me with bleary eyes. “You’re really doing this? Leaving?”

I look at him for a second and wonder why I ever thought what we had was working. “Yep. I’m really doing this.”

He lowers his head back into his hand as I tow my suitcase to the dresser and unload my drawers into it. I go to the bathroom, where Bambi’s still in the shower, and walk in without knocking. There’s a plastic Macy’s bag under the counter that I load all my bathroom stuff into. I sweep my makeup and hair products into the bag, but decide to leave my shampoo and conditioner, because there’s no way I’m going in the shower right now to get them. I snag my bathrobe off the hook next to Brett’s and grab every last towel, because they’re all mine. The shower turns off just as I click the door closed and head back to the bedroom.

I hand Jess the Macy’s bag and cram the towels and robe into my suitcase, then tip it up onto its wheels. “Can you handle this and that?” I ask her, motioning to the bag of gifts.

She reaches for the handle and sets the Macy’s bag on top of the suitcase, then grabs my gifts in her free hand. “Got it.”

We step into the hall, Alessandro following behind, and find Bambi standing there dripping, wrapped in Brett’s bathrobe and glaring a dagger at me. She scurries into the bedroom after we pass.

“You ready, mister furniture-moving expert?” I ask Alessandro when we hit the living room.

“I’m yours to command,” he says with a smile and a small bow.

“Come on.” I turn to Jess. “Can you go ahead of us and hold the door?”

She moves quickly toward the door, towing my suitcase behind her, and puts my stuff in the hall, then holds the door and stands back.

Alessandro and I each grab an end of the table. “On its side,” he says, and we tip it sideways. He starts backing toward the door. “I’ll go first.”

We manage to wrangle the table into the elevator, and when we get to the bottom, Jess holds the door open while Alessandro and I wrestle the table out.

“Watch the top end of the table,” Alessandro says as I move backward out the door.

“I’ve got—” But that’s as far as I get before a corner of the table catches on the top of the elevator door, causing me to lose my balance and my grip. I hear Jess gasp as I drop my end and I topple over backward onto my butt, which brings the top edge low enough to clear the door. The jerk of the table yanks it out of Alessandro’s grip and it starts to fall toward me where I sit on my ass, stunned. But then, with reflexes like a cat, he grabs for the table leg and stops it, mid-timber.

I look up at it, dangling over my head, and back at Alessandro as he strains to bring it back upright, and what I know for sure at that second is that Brett would have let that table flatten me if it were him in that elevator.

Jess grabs the other side of the table and helps Alessandro right it as I scramble to my feet.

“Thanks guys,” I tell them as we slide it the rest of the way out of the elevator. “This thing is so freaking heavy I’d have been roadkill.”

“Damn!” Jess says as the elevator doors close, and I realize all my stuff is still in there.

Alessandro’s hand darts out for the call button but it’s too late. The car is rising. It stops on the fourth floor and we wait for it to come back. And when the door opens, Bambi has my suitcase open and my clothes are strewn all over the elevator. She has my red lace thong looped over her index finger. “By the time I’m done with him, he’ll forget you ever existed,” she says, curling her lip in disgust as she flicks it at me. She struts past us toward the door.

“Good,” I say as she slips through.

Jess steps up next to me and grasps my hand as Bambi vanishes through the door. “Karma, Hilary. The universe is going to come back and bite that bitch in the butt.”

“I think maybe it already did.” I turn back to find the coffee table leaning against the wall and Alessandro inside the elevator, collecting my things and packing them carefully back into my suitcase. He picks up a black lace bra and hesitates for a second before tucking it in under a sweater and I feel myself blush, of all things. I don’t blush. Ever.

“I’ve got it,” I say, kneeling next to him and grabbing for the last few pairs of underwear I see, cramming them into the corner of the suitcase.

I toss a sweater on top as he scoops up the last towel and folds it in, then helps me zip it up.

“Thanks,” I tell him as I grab the handle and tow it out of the elevator.

“My pleasure.” He purrs the last word, and when I look at him, there’s an amused spark in his eye.

Jess grabs my bags of stuff and takes the suitcase handle from me. “Let’s get out of here. There’s a bad vibe in this building. It’s giving me the creeps.”

The subway scene is basically a repeat performance of the one that got the table to my apartment in the first place, except this time we have Jess to run interference. She shoves the crowd back from the door, making room for Alessandro and me to load the coffee table into the subway car. We finally make her apartment and wrestle the coffee table in, and my heart sinks when I see there’s already a glass coffee table in a delicate white frame.

Jess sees my frown and says, “Oh, no! It’s not what you think,” like she got caught cheating on me with another coffee table. “This is Lucinda’s. She’s taking it when she moves.”

My spirits lift a little. “So, you’re okay with my coffee table?”

“Definitely. I hate that thing,” she says with a scowl at the pretty glass table. “Where I grew up, a coffee table was where you put your feet, but Lucinda flips out when she catches me with my feet on hers.”

And that makes me think about furniture in general. I’m going to need at least a bed.

“Where would you like this in the meantime?” Alessandro says, and I realize I’ve left him standing there holding my coffee table.

Jess looks around. “Maybe we can lean it on that wall?” she says, pointing to the wall next to the couch.

Alessandro slides it across the floor to the corner and leans it, legs out, against the wall behind an armchair. “Are you going to be okay from here?”

That’s a really good question, but as I look around at the apartment, I realize the answer is yes. Maybe Jess is right. Maybe this was meant to be, because I feel a sudden wave of relief. I didn’t realize how tense living with Brett had become until now, when I don’t have to do it anymore. That frustrated, wrong feeling is totally gone. “Yeah. I’m good.”

“The children are doing a Christmas show at the youth center tonight. It’s open to the public if you ladies would like to come.”

Funnily, I sort of want to say yes, but . . . “I promised my sister we’d be there for dinner.” He nods and turns for the door, but then I remember I have his gift. “Wait!” I go to the bag and pull it out. It’s a little bit smashed and I almost change my mind. “Here,” I finally say, thrusting it at him. “Merry Christmas.”

He takes the wrapped tube from my hand and laughs at the cockroach bow, then squints a question at me.

“Just open it.”

He pulls off the cockroach and slides it in his pocket, then slowly slips off the wrapping paper . . . and smiles. “Salomé.”

I shrug. “I hope you like it.”

His smile widens and his eyes spark. “There’s something about a woman who has her shit together.”

I cringe a little, remembering that’s what I said about her at the museum.

His eyes lift from the rolled print to me. “She reminds me of you.”

I cringe deeper.

He backs toward the door. “Don’t forget. We have a date at the youth center tomorrow morning.”

I roll my eyes. “Ten. I’ll be there.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Thanks for the help.”

“My pleasure,” he says with a smile that makes my cheeks warm again, then he disappears through the door.

“You’ve got it bad,” Jess says, and I realize I’m just standing here staring after him.

“What are you talking about?”

“You want him, Hilary. You’re blushing. I’ve never seen you blush before.”

I hate what I’m feeling is so obvious on my face. I’ve spent my entire life learning to hide my emotions. How does being around Alessandro turn me back to that girl so easily? Just one more reason I shouldn’t be around him. “I just hauled a five-thousand-pound table halfway across Manhattan, Jess.”

She shrugs and gives me a knowing smile.

“Which means I could use a shower before we go. Can I use yours?”

“It’s yours now,” she says with a goofy smile. Then she goes all Mississippi and jumps up and down, making me laugh. “This is going to be so awesome!”

JESS IS ON the floor with Henri, building one of his four new Lego sets, Jeff is bundled up with Max on the back deck looking through the telescope Mallory and he bought the boys, and Mallory and I are on the couch. I’ve filled her in on Brett’s and my breakup, and when she heard how Jess took me in off the street, she offered her leftovers to take home—Mallory’s seal of approval.

“So this guy . . . the one who helped you move . . . ?”

“What about him?” I ask, but I know where she’s going. Ever since I mentioned he was back and saw her reaction, I’ve avoided talking about him with her.

“Alessandro,” Jess says from the floor. “I think your sister’s crushing on him.”

Mallory’s eyes narrow as they find mine again, then she stands abruptly, grabbing my hand and pulling me up. “Excuse us for a minute, Jessica.”

She drags me up the hall to her bedroom and closes the door. “Please, Hilary, tell me this isn’t him,” she says under her breath.

“It’s him.”

“What the hell are you doing?” she asks through a tight jaw.

“He’s helping me, Mallory. He’s a friend. That’s all.” I feel myself cringe as I try to justify the unjustifiable. I know Mallory’s right. I’ve known from the beginning. It’s the reason I told him we can’t hang out. It’s too dangerous.

But I can’t stay away from him.

“Why is he back?” She drops onto the edge of her bed, wringing her hands. “Why did he come back after all this time?”

“His father died in the 9/11 attacks. I guess he just needed some closure.”

“That’s all he wants? Closure?”

“Nothing’s going to change, Mallory. I promise.”

She hangs her head. “I’ve worried about this for so long . . . what would happen if . . .” She trails off and blows out a breath, then looks back up at me. “You’re okay, though? He’s not—”

I shake my head. “His brother was the problem, and he’s gone . . . dead.”

“Oh.” She stands and straightens her skirt. “I still don’t like it, Hilary. I wish you wouldn’t see him.”

“It will be fine. I swear.” God, I hope I’m not lying. “He doesn’t know anything that happened after he left.”

She looks relieved. “Just be careful. Promise.”

“I promise.”

Chapter Twenty-One

I WAKE UP in the morning on Jess’s couch, and despite the lumps, I feel more rested than I have in a long time. But I’ve barely opened my eyes when Dev is blasting out of my phone. My alarm.

I pick it up and look at it. Eight thirty. Ugh. I should have told Alessandro that ten o’clock wasn’t going to happen. I turn off the alarm and close my eyes, but before I can fall back asleep, Creed is blasting out of my phone.

“Shut up!” I tell them as I reach for it, clicking off the ringer. “What?” I croak when I connect.

“You’ve turned off your alarm, haven’t you?” There’s a teasing lilt to his silk accent, and I want to choke him.

“Why would you think that?”

“Because I know you.”

When I realize the truth in his words, it scares me. I’ve hidden who I am for so long, afraid of the questions from Mallory and Jeff, afraid of the feeding frenzy if anyone else saw the fear and insecurity. But Alessandro knew me before, when I was just me. He knew me before everything happened and I put up the walls.

He’s beautiful. Still. There’s no denying I’m attracted to him, but I can’t let him close again. I should never have gone to his place on Christmas Eve.

“You have to tell me what’s worth getting out of . . . couch so early for, or I’m not coming.”

“I’d think you’d know by now that I’m not going to divulge that information. It’s Thursday, it’s my turn, and you have to uphold our pact.”

“Our pact?”

“Unless you want to be done with our Thursday excursions.”

I rub my eyes and grimace, furious with myself that I can’t say no. “I’ll be there,” I say, sweeping the blanket off and sitting on the couch.

“Excellent. Wear something comfortable.”

I open my mouth to ask why, but I know he’s not going to tell me. “Fine.”

AT TEN SHARP I’m standing in the doorway of the Catholic youth center. It’s basically a gym. There’s a half court just inside the door, complete with a parquet wooden floor and a regulation backboard and hoop. But right now, in the middle of it are seven six-year-old girls in black leotards and pink tights standing at a portable dance bar. On the other side of the half court is a row of free weight benches where a group of teenage boys are working out, and beyond that is a small boxing ring.

Standing between the weights and the boxing ring, Alessandro is talking to a pretty blond woman who’s probably a hair older than him. He’s in a snug black tank and loose athletic shorts and for a second I can’t take my eyes off the contours of his biceps and the vein running down his forearm. God, he’s got sexy arms. But then the blonde reaches out and brushes her fingers down one of those biceps, yanking me out of my daze.

She’s in black yoga pants, which happens to be what I’m wearing. But where, under my jacket, I’m in a frumpish tank top, she’s in a sports bra. Her ass is round, her stomach is flat, her boobs are perky, and she’s pretty.

Really pretty.

Something in my gut twists as I step through the door and start moving toward them. I skirt around the half court and one of the boys at the weight benches whistles through his teeth as I pass. That catches Alessandro’s attention and he looks away from Ms. Perky Boobs.

“Ah, and here she is,” he says as I approach. He grasps my elbow and pulls me closer. “Marie, this is my friend Hilary.” He tips his head and smiles at me, but there’s something mischievous in it. “Hilary, this is your new dance instructor, Marie.”

My eyes shoot to her and back. “What?”

“You said you needed dance lessons. Marie is an accomplished dancer. She trained with the Joffrey Ballet School.”

“It’s nice to meet you Hilary,” she says, holding out her hand.

I shake it because anything else would be rude, even for me, then glance at the girls at the half court. “That’s your class?”

“Yep. We’re just about to start,” she answers, then turns to Alessandro and smiles. “I’ll see you tonight for dinner?” She sweeps her fingers down the vein in his arm as she asks and the stab of jealousy I feel as he smiles back surprises me.

“I’m looking forward to it.”

They’re dating. I knew it. There’s no mistaking the body language. Alessandro is beautiful. There’s no way I’m the only person who’s noticed this. Of course women are going to flock to him. Of course they’re going to want him. But what I feel at the realization is a literal stab. It feels like someone took something sharp to my stomach. It’s totally different than what I felt with Brett. With Brett, it was more like I just didn’t want anyone touching my stuff. This is more visceral. The thought of Alessandro with someone else is painful.

She presses up onto her toes and gives him a peck on the cheek. “See you at eight.” Then she turns to me. “Come on, Hilary.” She spins and twitches toward the dance girls.

“Go,” Alessandro says with a brush of his hand toward the court. “But I’ll see you in an hour,” he adds as I trudge toward Snow Bitch and her seven dwarves, shrugging off my jacket on the way. I hang it on a hook on the wall next to a Hello Kitty jacket that must belong to one of my fellow students, and make my way to the group. As much as I feel like a freaking moron, and I pretty much want to kill Alessandro, which it sounds like I might get a chance to do in an hour, I really need dance lessons. So I line up on the right side of the bar at the end, behind all the dwarves.

Snow Bitch queues up the music on her iPod and the speakers spit out a tinkling piano piece. “All right, girls. First position,” she says standing in front of the group with her heels tight together and her legs turned out at the hip so her toes are spread apart.

All the little dwarves snap to attention, grasping the bar with one hand and rounding the other in front of them, mimicking her leg position.

I copy their position as best I can.

“And plié, two, three, four,” she says, bending her knees so they follow the direction her toes are pointing. All the little dwarves bend their knees, then straighten them. “Plié, two, three, four,” she says again and they all repeat the knee bend. I follow along. After a few more reps, just when I’m catching on, she says, “And relevé . . .” The dwarves press up onto their toes. “And second position.”

She moves toward the bar as the dwarves spread their legs so they’re in the same position, but with some space between their heels. “And plié, two, three, four,” she starts again as they all bend their knees in this position.

I’m still working on getting my feet right when she comes to me at the bar. She lays a hand on my stomach and the other on my back. “Tight abs,” she says pressing her hand gently into my stomach. “Straight back.”

The dwarves are going through the same knee bend routine as we did in the first position, so I follow along to the music.

“Good,” she says. “Now arms softer.”

I shake the tension out of my shoulders and soften my arms. She grasps one gently and curves my elbow and wrist a little more. “There. Like that.”

Then she smiles as she moves around the bar to correct the dwarf on the other side.

So maybe she’s not that bad after all.

“And relevé . . . and third,” she says after a few more knee bends, and all the dwarves shift their feet again, placing the heel of one near the toe of the other, legs still turned out. Again, I try to copy them as they go through their knee bends but this one is harder. I feel off balance.

Marie is back, a hand on my butt and the other on my stomach again. “Turn your legs out and as you plié, keep your knees over your toes,” she says. “Your center of gravity needs to be over your base of support.”

“What?”

“Keep your butt over your heels,” she says with a smile.

I do and it’s easier.

As we move, as stupid as I feel, a troll among pixies, I start to become aware of my body in a way I’ve never been before. And as everything clicks back together, I realize that at some point—maybe as far back as Lorenzo—I intentionally disconnected from my body. For years, it’s been easier to pretend like what happens to it doesn’t matter. It’s nothing more than a vehicle. If it gets dented, so what? Just slap a fresh coat of paint on and keep going. But now, as I feel myself fully in my body for the first time in years, the sensations are almost overwhelming. My skin prickles, the nerve endings uber-sensitized by just the movement of the air around me. I glance over at Alessandro, in the boxing ring with a buff black kid, and I can hear and see things I shouldn’t be able to from here.

“Move your feet, Alex,” Alessandro says. And even from thirty feet away, I see the sweat trickling down his neck, the vein pulsing in his temple, the ripple of his biceps under a glossy sheen of sweat. I can almost taste his breath. I hear the grunt as the boy swings and I see the muscles shift under Alessandro’s skin as he moves to block the punch. His hand comes up like lightning and the boy stumbles back as Alessandro’s glove connects with the underside of his chin.

I gasp and grab for the dance bar as the memory flash knocks me off balance. Alessandro’s fist connecting with a boy’s face. Blood. The black boy morphs into Eric, his shocked face bloody as Alessandro’s fist slams into it over and over.

I was fluttering somewhere above my body, way up near the ceiling of the rec room, watching it all happen. I saw my body, sprawled on the couch, my T-shirt pushed up over my bra. I saw Alessandro beating Eric bloody on the floor next to me. And then I heard the laugh. Lorenzo.

He pushed off the door frame, where he’d been watching the fight. “Oh, little bro,” he taunted, moving toward my body like a prowling tiger. “You gotta learn to share, like I did.” He brushed his fingers down my face, my neck, my chest. I saw it from where I was floating, but I didn’t feel it.

Alessandro leapt off Eric and was next to my body in a heartbeat, shoving Lorenzo. “Don’t touch her!” he spit, then sat on the edge of the couch, straightening my shirt and sitting me up. My body was Jell-O and the rest of me was still fluttering near the ceiling like a butterfly. He scooped me off the couch and stepped over Eric on his way up the stairs.

“I think she gave me the clap, bro, so watch yourself,” Lorenzo yelled after us.

Alessandro laid me in my bed and everything spun. “Did he hurt you? Are you okay?” he asked, looking me over.

I shoved him away and muttered something that wasn’t even words.

He pulled the sheets up around me and the world went fuzzy, then faded out.

But Eric never touched me after that. At least . . . not until I let him.

Suddenly, I can’t breathe. The half court spins and I need out. I need to find air. I stagger to the door I entered through and hear Marie call my name. I don’t stop until I’m out on the sidewalk. As I stagger back toward the subway, my head spins just like it did then, with whatever Eric gave me. I can’t shake the image . . . the feeling.

“Hilary!” Alessandro’s voice calls behind me, but I don’t stop moving. I can’t. I need to outrun whatever this is. A minute later, there’s a hand on my arm and a second after that, my jacket is draped over my shoulders.

“Hilary,” Alessandro says, but I don’t turn to look at him. He guides me to a bus stop bench and sits me on it. “Are you all right? What happened?”

For a long time, I can’t answer. He sits with me, catching his breath, and I stare into space, trying to push the image of Eric’s bloody face out of my head. Finally, I sag into his shoulder.

“Talk to me, Hilary.”

My chest expands as I finally find some oxygen. “There are things I don’t remember from before, but some of them are coming back.” I glance up at him. “Like the time you beat the shit out of Eric.”

He cringes a little. “Just one more thing I’ve had to pray forgiveness for.”

“What happened? I don’t remember everything.”

He rolls his eyes up and breathes deep. “How much to you remember?”

“Just that I think he must have given me something, because I couldn’t really move.”

He nods slowly. “He roofied you.”

“Did he . . .” I trail off and pinch my face against tears. I’m not going to cry. Not again.

“He didn’t rape you,” he answers, reading my mind, “but only because Lorenzo and I came back from the courthouse before he could take it that far.”

“So you hit him.”

“I came in and found him on top of you on the couch. You were staring at the ceiling and singing in this voice that wasn’t right, like your tongue was too thick for your mouth. I knew what he must have done, so I . . .” He trails off, shaking his head. “I should have stopped. I pulled him off of you and I should have left it at that, but I was . . . I was so angry.” He hangs his head. “I lost control.”

I lower my head into my hands. “Thank you.”

“I couldn’t let him hurt you the way Lorenzo had.”

I look up at him. “You were the only person who gave a shit about me through any of that. If it weren’t for you, God knows where I would have ended up.” I lean into his shoulder and he holds me tighter. The delicious scent of warm musk and sweat wraps around me and that’s when I realize he’s still in his tank and gym shorts. “You must be freezing,” I say, reaching for his arm and finally doing what I’ve been dying to. I trail a fingertip over his flawless olive skin, along the vein from bicep to forearm.

“Don’t worry about me. I have a high metabolism.”

I wrap my hand around his lean forearm and smile at him. “You’re a terrible liar and I know this because you’re shivering.”

He looks down into my eyes for a long minute, the smile fading from his lips. “I have no right to want to touch you, and yet I want that more than anything—to convince all of my senses you’re really here after all this time.”

I reach up and stroke my finger along the strong line of his jaw. “I’m here.”

He cups my cheek and thumbs my chin, and I can’t take my eyes off his, suddenly so deep that I could fall right into them. His hand glides around the nape of my neck, threading into my kinks, and I let him pull me closer. His lips pause an inch from mine, and he gazes into my eyes with a question in his. The air between us crackles and I fight the draw, shuddering at his closeness—at the starved expression on his face. And, staring into those eyes, I lose the battle. I lean forward and brush my lips across his.

The white bellow of his breath pauses as he pulls me closer and presses his lips tighter to mine. When he finally backs away, he strokes his fingers down my cheek. “You’re as soft as I remember.”

In the pocket of my jacket, Dev starts singing about her sex drive. I ignore her and kiss Alessandro again, but a sudden knot in my chest makes me stop.

I shouldn’t want this. I’m totally playing with fire.

I can’t do this.

He blows out a breath and stands, holding out his hand, as if he heard my thoughts and agrees. “We should go back.”

I push off the bench without taking his hand and start back toward the youth center, trying to reconcile the desire I can’t deny anymore with my reality. I can’t want him.

Once we get there, Alessandro ducks into the locker room to change, and that’s when I remember my phone. I check it and find a missed call and two texts from Mallory. The first is from fifteen minutes ago.

Max is sick. Jeff went in the ambulance with him to the hospital. Call me!

And then three minutes later:

Wendy and Mike are away for X-mas. I need you to come stay the night with Henri.

“Oh, no!” I gasp, staring at her messages.

“What is it?”

I look up to see Alessandro stepping out of the locker room in jeans and a black button-down.

“I have to go to my sister’s. There’s an emergency.”

He shrugs his jacket on and loops his duffel bag over his shoulder. “Things here are under control. I’ll come with you.”

I don’t argue. I spin and head for the door and Alessandro follows.

ALESSANDRO EXCUSES HIMSELF and moves up the train car to make a call. It’s not until he’s gone from my side that it occurs to me bringing him was a really bad idea. Hopefully Mallory will be too wrapped up in worrying about Max to realize who he is. I call her while he’s gone. Her voice is thick when she answers and I can tell she’s been crying.

“What happened? Is Max okay?” I hear the panic in my voice and try to rein it in. Mallory’s already scared enough.

“Jeff just called from the hospital. It’s appendicitis. They’re taking him to surgery.”

“Oh God,” I murmur.

Alessandro slides into the seat next to me and reaches for my hand, and when I look up at him, his expression is all concern.

“Thanks for coming, Hilary. I can’t take Henri to the hospital, and Wendy and Mike are at Jeff’s parents’ in Kansas for Christmas.” Wendy is Jeff’s sister and Mallory’s regular fallback. They live closer than me and they have a son and a daughter just about the boys’ ages.

“We’re on the PATH. We’ll be there as soon as we can,” I say.

“Hurry.” She sniffles and disconnects.

The buses cooperate and we’re at her door forty-five minutes later. I haven’t even rung the bell when she rips the door open, already in her jacket. Her eyes are red and swollen, but she’s not crying at the moment.

I wrap her in a hug. “We’re here. Go.”

I pull back and see her eyes locked over my shoulder, on Alessandro.

He steps up next to me and holds out his hand. “I’m Alessandro.”

“Mallory,” she answers flatly without taking it.

The combination of panic and betrayal is clear in her eyes as they shift to me and narrow. I step through the door and concentrate on peeling off my jacket and hanging it on the coat tree so I don’t have to look at her and see it there.

Alessandro hesitates in the door as if deciding if he’s welcome here. He’s not, but I can’t really tell him that without saying why. Instead, I take his hand and pull him through, closing the door behind him.

“Auntie!” Henri croons as he appears from the hall to his room and runs up to hug my waist.

I ruffle his black hair. “Hey, buddy. How you holding out?”

He looks up at me with wide, scared eyes. “Max was screaming.”

I crouch next to him. “It’s going to be okay. He’s with the doctors and they’re going to fix him all up. Don’t worry, okay?”

He presses himself against me and I hug him tight. When he lets me go, I kiss his forehead and stand. “It will be fine,” I tell Mallory prodding her toward the garage door. “Everything will be fine. Call us when Max is out of surgery.”

Her eyes shift between me, Henri, and Alessandro, like she’s still not sure about leaving us.

I take her elbow and guide her to the garage door. “We’ll keep Henri busy. Don’t worry about us.”

With a last concerned glance at Henri, she disappears through the door.

I turn back to the boys and force myself to stop shaking. “Too bad no one around here has any Legos.”

The fear melts off Henri’s face and he grins and bolts for his room.

“Are you okay?” Alessandro says as I stand frozen.

I force myself to breathe. “Just worried.”

He comes to me and folds me into his arms. “He’s getting medical attention. He’ll be fine,” he says low in my ear. His warm breath in my hair makes me shudder and he holds me tighter.

At his touch, the tension runs out of my body and I sag into him. He holds me close and goose bumps prickle my scalp as he strokes my hair. But then I hear the rattling of Legos against a cardboard box. Alessandro releases me and I turn.

“Oh, dude!” I say as Henri hauls the box with his biggest, baddest Lord of the Rings Lego set into the family room.

“Legos,” Alessandro says with a smile at Henri. “I loved these as a kid.” He moves to where Henri is dumping the contents of the box into the middle of the floor and lowers himself onto the carpet. “I used to sit and build Legos for hours.”

“Who are you?” Henri asks, without looking up, as he sorts his Legos into color-coded stacks, and I feel a sharp twist in my stomach.

Alessandro reaches in and helps sort. “My name is Alessandro. I’m a friend of your aunt’s.”

Henri grins up at Alessandro, already comfortable with him, and I force myself to start breathing again. But as I walk over and lower myself onto the carpet next to them, I feel a wet lump form in my throat and tears press at the backs of my eyes.

Because Henri looks just like his father.

Chapter Twenty-Two

MALLORY CALLS FROM the hospital as Alessandro is making macaroni and cheese (Henri’s vote) from scratch for dinner. “Max is out of surgery,” she says. “They say everything went fine and we can go up to recovery with him in a few minutes.”

“Thank God,” I breathe.

“How’s Henri?”

I hear the real question in her voice, but choose to ignore it. “Fine. We’ve built Middle Earth in your family room,” I say as Henri snaps together the last few pieces of his Lego Rivendell. “Do you want to talk to him?”

“Put him on.”

I hand the phone off and move to the kitchen. “Max is out of surgery. They say everything’s good,” I tell Alessandro.

He turns from the stove and looks at me. “I’m glad.”

“Auntie!” Henri shouts, crashing into me from behind. “Mom wants you.”

I take the phone. “Hey.”

“So Jeff and I are going to stay here tonight.”

I know what she’s waiting for me to say. “No problem. I can stay with Henri as long as you need me to.”

“You? Or both of you?”

“I don’t know, Mallory.” I try to hide my irritation. I know why she’s worried, but he doesn’t know and I’m not going to tell him.

“I would prefer it was just you.” Her voice is tight.

“I know.”

“As long as we’re clear.”

“Just take care of Max and don’t worry about Henri, okay?”

There’s a pause. “Okay,” she finally says.

I disconnect as Alessandro drains the macaroni. “Do you need help?”

He hands me the colander. “Shake this out and dump it into the pot,” he says, gesturing at the stove.

I do as I’m told and stir the macaroni into the cheese sauce as he moves to the fridge and pulls out some salad stuff. A few minutes later, dinner is on the table.

Henri excitedly tells Alessandro about all of his favorite Lego sets and what happened when he built the front of his pirate ship out of the middle of the Star Wars Death Star.

“I had the Death Star set,” Alessandro says, smiling at Henri.

“Geek,” I mutter, and Alessandro raises an eyebrow at me, but then out of nowhere, a piece of breadstick ricochets off his cheek. We both look at Henri, who giggles and flicks another hunk of bread at Alessandro.

Alessandro tips his head at Henri and holds up his fingers as goalposts. “How accurate are you with that finger?” he challenges.

Henri grins and tears off another bit of breadstick, taking aim at Alessandro’s goalposts. He only scores on one of his five shots, but the others don’t miss by much.

“My turn,” Alessandro says, pinching off a hunk of his breadstick.

Henri makes goalposts and Alessandro’s shot misses Henri’s goal wildly.

Henri rolls his eyes. “Nobody’s that bad. Show me what you got. I’m not a sore loser, you know.”

Alessandro grins at him. “Remember you said that, little man.” He scores on three of his next four shots, then makes a roar-of-the-crowd sound, raising his arms.

I crack up. This is a side of Alessandro I’m not sure I’ve ever seen. “Competitive much?” I mutter, and Henri giggles.

“It’s a guy thing,” Alessandro says with a wink at Henri.

“Are you going to marry Auntie Hilary?” Henri asks out of nowhere, and I freeze.

Alessandro’s gaze flicks to me before he answers. “No, Henri. Your aunt and I are just old friends.”

Henri slides out of his seat and jumps into my lap. “When school starts, we’re going on a science field trip where there’s a bird-eating tarantula!”

“Wow!” I say, pulling him closer, thankful that he’s on to another train of thought so fast. “What is it with you guys and tarantulas?”

He hops out of my lap and leans both hands on Alessandro’s knees, proceeding to tell him all about Jeremy Timmons’ tarantula, and how it ate a whole cricket, guts and all. A wet, pulsing lump forms in my throat and I can’t watch them together. I stand and scoop dishes up, carrying them to the counter. When I turn back from the sink, Henri is perched on Alessandro’s knee, telling him how Rufus once killed a squirrel in the backyard.

I ruffle his hair. “Time for your bath, buddy.”

He clambers off Alessandro, and Alessandro cleans up while I stick Henri in the tub and shuttle him off to bed.

“What are you going to read me tonight?” I ask, climbing into bed next to him.

He holds up a thin hardcover book. “Loki’s Revenge.”

“Excellent,” I say. “Loki’s my favorite.”

He settles in and opens his book just as Alessandro appears at the door, his sleeves rolled up, leaning a shoulder into the door frame. As Henri reads, I have to keep swallowing the lump in my throat. Alessandro and Henri connected tonight. They know each other. I never thought that would happen. And Henri really likes him. When he looks up and sees Alessandro in the doorway, he grins and pulls on my arm. “Make room for Alessandro, Auntie.”

I slide up and curl around Henri, and Alessandro comes in and sits at the foot of the bed, leaning sideways on one elbow. He grabs Henri’s toes through the blanket and jiggles them, and Henri kicks and squeals.

I nudge Alessandro’s shoulder with my foot and give him a look. “Bedtime. We’re supposed to be winding down here.”

“Sorry,” he says to me, but then gives Henri a conspiratorial wink and Henri giggles again.

“Read, buddy,” I tell Henri, and he picks his book up from where he dropped it in the sheets.

“When Thor de . . . f . . .”

“Remember that the A makes the E say its name,” I prompt as I point to the word he’s stuck on.

“When Thor defeated Loki, Loki swore he would make Thor pay.” Henri looks up at me and grins, then looks back at the page and reads to us all about how Loki gets back at Thor. When he’s done, I give him a big hug and kiss, then haul myself off his bed. Alessandro stands and ruffles Henri’s hair and I turn out the light. “ ’Night buddy,” I say from the door.

“Good night, Auntie. Good night, Alessandro.” He snuggles down into his pillow and closes his eyes. I watch him for a minute, feeling the heat of Alessandro’s body just behind me, then pull his door closed.

“He’s a great kid,” Alessandro says as we move back to the family room. He picks up a picture of Mallory’s family from the end table. “This is his father?” he asks, tapping Jeff’s face.

That sharp something twists in my gut again. “Jeff.”

He inspects the photograph for a minute longer, a V forming in the creases between his eyebrows, then sets it down without another word. I click on the TV, and settle into the couch, hoping the subject of Henri’s parentage is closed.

Alessandro settles in next to me and loops an arm over my shoulders. “Are you doing okay?”

“Yeah. Just worried about Max.” It isn’t a lie. It’s just not the whole truth either.

“It’s been a difficult day,” he says, and I know he’s not just referring to Max.

Through all of this, the image of him beating the shit out of Eric has still surfaced in my mind repeatedly. The details of that day are still fuzzy, but I remember Eric handing me a Coke as we sat in the rec room watching TV. I remember the TV blurring and the room starting to spin. The next thing I remember is Alessandro’s bloody fist.

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry, Hilary,” he breathes into my hair.

I don’t know if he’s apologizing for what happened with Eric, or for leaving me, or what, but whatever it is, I can tell by the aching sadness in his voice and in his eyes as I lift mine to look at him, that he means it. “Me too.”

The electricity that’s always in his touch causes me to shudder. He leans in, very slowly, watching me the whole way. I close the last inch and press my lips to his. His kiss is tentative at first, but the longer it goes, the more insistent it becomes, until his tongue slashes through my lips and takes possession of me.

I press him back into the cushions and straddle him, then start on the buttons of his shirt, suddenly needing to see him—to feel his skin on mine. I kiss him hard and deep as I peel back his shirt.

“Hilary,” he breathes when we take a second for air, and I hear the tortured longing in that one word. It sends desire pulsing with my blood, and I smother anything else he wanted to say with another kiss.

In a back corner of my mind, there’s a voice that’s telling me to stop, but it’s drowned out by the rush of blood in my ears. My senses spin as I’m thrown between worlds. I feel everything that’s happening now, the desperation of Alessandro’s kiss; his persistent hands, no longer tentative, but sure and firm on my body; the taste of his mouth and his spicy scent enveloping me; the taut cut of his abs as I glide my fingers over his perfection. But I also feel what I was feeling then: that certainty my heart was going to explode at his gentle touch; the way he kissed me so tenderly on the lips, his tongue caressing mine, exploring, like he wanted to know every inch of me; the way he made me feel things that no one else ever had.

I pull away and slip his shirt off his shoulders, then look down at him, and can’t help staring. There’s no ostentatious bulk, just perfect lines in classically beautiful proportion. I sweep my fingertips over the smooth olive skin along the curve of his biceps, needing to touch him to be sure he’s real. But as my eyes eat him alive, I see the thin, white scar that extends from his side, just below the ribs, toward his hip, disappearing under the waistband of his jeans. I remember it was purple and raised when we were younger. Newer. I glide a fingertip over it and he finches. “What happened?”

I never asked before. When we were kids, I had my ghosts and he had his. We let them lie back then. But now I want to know.

His expression hardens. “I was in a gang. I hurt a lot of people. Some of them hurt me back.”

I reach for him, but he draws away, and there’s so much pain in his expression, right there, so close to the surface. I want to take it from him so he doesn’t have to bear it by himself, but I know he won’t give it to me.

I lift his face and smooth my palm over his stubble. “You are so beautiful, Alessandro. Every inch of you.”

He stiffens as he fights with his desires, but his desires win. His mouth crashes into mine, his kiss deep and urgent. His tongue twists through my mouth, tasting all of mine. My hands smooth over flawless muscles under flawless skin as I glide my fingertips up the sides of his rib cage and massage his nipples with my thumbs. He closes his eyes and moans as they harden.

That moan undoes me. “I want you,” I tell him, my voice course and thick with sex.

He opens his eyes and looks at me, his expression full of anguish. “I want you too, Hilary. God,” he says, screwing his eyes shut and turning his face away from mine. “I want you so much. But this is wrong.”

“Why?”

He opens his eyes and they find mine again, haunted and unbearably sad. “Because I didn’t come back to take advantage of you again. I came back to apologize . . . to help if I could.”

I press against him so he can feel the need pulsing through my veins. “You’re not taking advantage of me.”

His eyes flutter closed and he tips his head back into the couch and shudders as I lick from the base of his neck to the corner of his jaw. I pull back and lift my shirt over my head. He watches as I unhook my white lace bra, letting it slide off my shoulders.

His hands are fisted into the fabric of the couch cushions next to my legs. He’s fighting so hard with himself not to touch me.

But I want him to touch me.

I slide my hand down his abs to the bulge in his jeans and lean forward, my chest against his, skin on skin, and my lips on his neck just below his ear. “I want to feel you inside me again,” I whisper.

He growls, grabbing me and spinning me onto my back on the couch. He’s propped over me on one knee, the other foot on the floor, and he’s got my yoga pants and thong off before I even realize what’s happening.

The pure animal need on his face sends a shudder through me. And the next second, when he spreads my legs, and his mouth finds the sensitive point there, the sex rush is so intense that everything south of my belt convulses. I turn my face into the cushions as I arch up and cry out.

His tongue moves over me, flicking and teasing, tasting and owning. As he devours me, I gasp at the unexpected jolts of electricity that skitter under my uber-sensitive skin. And just like that, he has me right on the edge of coming. I’m panting out short breaths, my fingers fisted into his hair as he slips his fingers inside me and sucks. And a second later, when he sends me over the edge, I do everything I can to stifle my cry as I fall apart.

The flood of sensations is overwhelming. Whatever just happened has never happened to me before. I don’t know what this was, but it was more than just sex. It was bigger. Louder. Higher. I’ve never felt like I couldn’t get close enough . . . like I wanted to climb right under the guy’s skin. But that’s how Alessandro makes me feel.

As I spin with my orgasm, the flash of insight nearly blinds me. Alessandro makes me feel. Not just physically, but in every sense of the word.

And it scares me.

Because with Brett and everyone before him, sex was mechanical. Predictable. I was in control and it felt good, physically, but that’s all it felt. The purpose was to ground me and remind me I existed. Sex with Brett didn’t reach into my soul and tug at my heart. It didn’t move me to tears. But Alessandro took me there with no pain. No props. I’ve never been able to come like that for anyone else.

But as Alessandro crawls up the couch, and I feel his knees press into the cushions between my legs, I realize this is different. I open my eyes, and see him working the button of his jeans. I reach up to help him and he looks down at me with a question burning in his raw, animal gaze. The same question that was there eight years ago, the first time we did this. In response, I drag his zipper down.

He reaches into his back pocket for his wallet and rips the condom out of it, chucking the wallet on the floor. I slip it out of his hand, and he sucks in a sharp breath as I roll it over his length. I lay back and open myself up to him, guiding him to me with my hands on his hips.

He hesitates and lets out an agonized groan, but I don’t want him to think. I just want him inside me. I roll my hips and take him deep.

He moans my name as he sinks into me, and a seriously intense sex rush seizes my body. All the muscles in my belly, my groin, down my legs contract hard around him and my breath catches in my throat.

“Am I hurting you?” he breathes into my hair, concern edging the roughness of his need.

For a second I can’t speak. “God, no,” I finally manage. Nothing has ever felt this good.

He begins to rock, and the feel of him moving inside me, filling me, sets my blood on fire. His pace is slower than I’m used to, so it takes me a minute to catch his rhythm, but when I do, and we move together, hot, aching pressure starts to build in my belly again, like lava roiling under the volcano, preparing to erupt.

He drops kisses over my shoulders and neck as he moves on top of me, picking up his pace as our breathing does the same. With every thrust, I give a little moan, unable to stop myself. I catch his earlobe in my teeth and tug gently and am rewarded with an animal growl from Alessandro’s core.

Something changes with that growl, like he was holding back but now he’s set the beast free. He trails a hand from my left hip down to my knee and lifts it higher, spreading me wide, then groans deep in his chest and plunges deeper, burying himself to the root.

I spin with the sensation of him moving inside me, doing everything I need him to do—bringing me just where I need to go. And the only pain is the ache in my heart for not being able to get close enough.

As he pumps faster and deeper, I feel myself start to spin out of control. I gasp for air as he brings me right to edge of the cliff again, and arch into his body with his last thrust. As I come hard for the second time in ten minutes, I cry out, “Alessandro!”

And his name falling from my lips sounds like a prayer.

I’m ready, I realize just in that second. I’m ready to open up and tell him everything. I want him, and more than that, I need him. I think I always have, on some level, even when I thought I’d never see him again.

“Hilary?” Alessandro pants, “Are you all right?”

“Yeah,” I breathe, my eyes screwed shut and my insides in knots. I open my mouth to say it . . . to tell him Henri is his. But then I close it again. Now isn’t the time. It’s too much too soon.

When we’ve caught our breath, he kisses my lips then rolls off me.

I pull myself to my feet and hold out my hand. “Come on.” I tow him up the hall on shaky legs, past Henri’s room, to my old bedroom. We slip under the sheets and I curl into his side, and this time, when he loves me, it’s slow and easy and so tender that it hurts.

And I know without a doubt, this is where I’ve always belonged.

Chapter Twenty-Three

IT’S THURSDAY AND it’s my turn.

And I’m petrified.

Last Thursday, I slept with Alessandro. This Thursday, I’m going to tell him he has a son. We’ve been together every night for the last week, and so many times I’ve opened my mouth to tell him, but I can’t decide how.

What if everything Mallory is afraid of comes true?

She’s been the only constant in my life. Everyone has left me. Mallory is the only person who’s ever come back. I know we fight, and I know I disappoint her, but I can’t risk losing her. If Alessandro finds out about Henri . . . if he wants to tell him—or worse, tries for custody—not only will I lose Mallory, but maybe Henri as well.

But when I search deep inside, I realize I’m much more afraid of Alessandro turning his back on me. Somehow, he’s torn down my walls, and the feeling of being totally vulnerable and exposed to him both terrifies and thrills me. It’s like the rush of free-falling, and knowing I can take the risk because Alessandro will catch me.

Except, what if he doesn’t? What if I tell him this and he lets me fall on my face?

I’m wound so tight trying to sort through this that, when my phone rings, I jump a mile, sure it’s him. But then I realize the ringtone isn’t Creed. I pick my phone up off the nightstand and look at the screen.

Bedford Hills Correctional.

My heart leaps. I went yesterday, on New Year’s, and Mom refused my visit again. Maybe she’s changed her mind. I stab the connect button and lift the phone to my ear. “Hello?”

“Ms. McIntyre? Hilary McIntyre?” a woman’s voice that’s not Mom’s asks.

“Yes.”

“Ms. McIntyre, this is Sylvia Reingold at Bedford Hills Correctional Facility. Your mother is asking for you.”

For a full minute, I can’t speak. I can’t even breathe. “Is she okay?” I finally ask.

“She’s being transported to Northern Westchester Hospital as we speak. The doctor says it’s close. You might want to hurry.”

“I will,” I say, numb.

“And she’s also asked for your sister, if you can reach her. We don’t have her number on file.”

My pounding heart flips in my chest. “Okay.”

I disconnect and dial Mallory.

“Hey,” she says, and through the blood pounding in my ears, I hear the boys yelling in the background. It sounds like Max is getting back to himself.

“Mal, we have to go to see Mom. She’s—”

“Stop, Hilary,” she interrupts, her voice a blade. “I told you why I can’t go. Please respect that.”

“They’re taking her to the hospital. They said she’s asking for us and that we should hurry. This is it, Mallory. She’s really dying.”

“Good,” she spits, but then there’s a long pause where all I hear is the TV blaring and the boys fighting. “You’re going, aren’t you?”

“Yes, and I want you to come.”

“Which hospital?” she asks after a beat.

“Northern Westchester.”

She blows out a breath. “I’ll be there in an hour to pick you up.”

I’M ON THE curb when Mallory’s silver Volvo SUV rolls to a stop next to the parked cars in front of my building. The car behind her honks as I race over and hop in. And when I look at her as she pulls away, I’m surprised to see she’s been crying.

She glances over and sees the surprise on my face. “Don’t even say it,” she warns, holding up a hand.

I sink into the seat and neither of us says anything as she navigates us through the city to the West Side Highway.

“What else did they say?” she finally asks just as we’re crossing the bridge into the Bronx.

“Nothing really.” I look at her. “But she asked for both of us.”

Her jaw grinds tight and she keeps her gaze fixed on the road ahead. “I’ll never forgive her. I don’t care if she’s dying or not.”

“I don’t blame you.”

When she doesn’t say anything else, I lean my forehead into the window and close my eyes.

It’s an hour and a half later that Mallory’s GPS informs us we’re “arriving at destination.” She pulls into the parking lot and we go to the information desk.

“Where is Roseanne McIntyre’s room?” I ask the old woman at the computer.

She pecks at the keys for a minute and I want to scream at her to move her ancient bones faster, but I bite my tongue.

“I don’t see any MacEntire,” she finally says.

“No. McIntyre. M, C, I. She was probably just brought in from Bedford Correctional.”

She types some more and smiles as she hits pay dirt. “Oh! Here she is. She’s in a secured room on the third floor.” She looks up at us. “Are you family?”

But I’m already sprinting toward the elevator. Mallory steps up behind me as the doors open. I wait for everyone coming out to get the hell out of our way, then step in and push three. When the doors open again, it’s into a long corridor. Just down from us is the nurses’ station, and across the hall, sitting in a molded plastic chair, is a corrections guard. I hurry toward him, Mallory lagging behind.

“We’re Roseanne McIntyre’s daughters. She was asking for us,” I pant.

“ID,” he says, standing from his chair and towering over us. He’s huge, like they think Mom’s a flight risk and they might need a mountain of a guard to wrestle her into submission when we try to break her out.

I hand him my ID, and I see Mallory’s hand shake when she holds hers out to him.

“You can see her one at a time. Fifteen minutes each.” He pushes the door open. “Who’s first?”

“Her,” Mallory shoots before I have a chance to respond.

I look at her hard. “Don’t you disappear.”

Her terrified eyes flick toward the door then back to me. “I can’t do this, Hilary.”

“She’s dying, Mal. You have to.” I step up and hug her. “Go. I’ll wait here.”

I feel her shake as she lets a sob loose into my shoulder. I hold her for a few minutes, until she gets her shit together.

“Okay,” she finally says, peeling herself away and wiping her eyes with the heel of her hand.

I back off and she steps up to the door, hauling a deep breath before walking through.

The guard leaves the door open and stands watch outside. I so want to eavesdrop, but instead, I wander over to the nurses’ desk. “Excuse me,” I say to a middle-aged woman sitting there typing into a computer.

She holds a finger up at me, then types something else before looking up. “Can I help you?”

“My mom, Roseanne McIntyre?” I say with a wave of my hand at her door. “I was wondering . . . are they saying how long she has?”

Her expression goes all sympathetic as she stands. “Not long. Hours, most likely.”

“What . . .” I swallow the pulsing lump in my throat. “What kind of cancer does she have?” I don’t know why it matters, but I want to know.

Her lips press into a grim line before she answers. “Lung cancer, but it’s metastasized everywhere now.”

I turn and take a step to the side so I can see her bed through the door. I can’t see Mom at all, just a mound of blankets, but Mallory’s standing about five feet away, at the bottom of the bed. My heart contracts into a hard knot when I see her shoulders shaking as she cries.

“What are you doing for her? Is she in pain?” I ask, swallowing back my own tears.

“We’re doing everything we can to make her last few hours comfortable,” the nurse says as I turn back to her.

“Good. Is there a vending machine on this floor?”

She points up the hall. “In the lounge at the end of the corridor.”

“Thanks.” I head in the direction she pointed and locate the door marked “patient lounge.” Inside, I find the machine. I dig through my bag for a dollar and feed it into the slot, then push D6 and the Oh Henry! is pushed of the rack and thunks into the tray at the bottom. I grab it and head back to Mom’s room.

I peek through the door again and see Mallory is closer now, at the side of the bed. An arm reaches out of the mound of blankets. It’s bony and it shakes as it extends toward her. Mallory tentatively takes the knobby hand. I watch as she leans closer, as if trying to hear something Mom said. She shakes her head and fresh tears spill over her lashes, but then she sinks into the chair at the side of the bed and holds Mom’s hand in both of hers, pressing the backs of Mom’s fingers against her forehead as she cries.

And that’s it. I can’t stop the tears leaking from my eyes, first a trickle and then a flood. I lean my back against the wall and cover my face as sobs hitch out of my core.

But a second later, Mallory’s at the door. “Someone help!”

The nurse from the station and the guard both rush into the room, and I follow.

Mallory is back at the side of the bed. “She’s not breathing,” she sobs. “Do something!”

The nurse takes Mom’s wrist and checks her pulse. “I’m sorry, honey. She’s gone.”

“No.” I step up to the side of the bed as the nurse brushes her fingers over Mom’s dead eyes. She’s so much thinner than she was even last time I saw her, two months ago. Nothing but skin and bone.

I can’t reconcile the anger I feel that she didn’t wait for me with the grief that wraps around my heart and squeezes, threatening to choke out its rhythm. I convulse with sobs that I can’t control as everything I feel for and about her erupts out of me.

She drank. She let a parade of strange men into our lives. She threw Mallory out. She abandoned me and pretended like none of what happened to me afterward was her fault. She was a horrible mother. But she was mine—the only parent I’ve ever had. I wanted her to be so much more. I wanted her to love me.

The least she could have done was wait to die until I had a chance to say good-bye.

I drop the crushed Oh Henry! in my hand and spin for the door. Mallory calls after me as I bolt into the hall. When I get to the stairwell, I slide down the wall to a sitting position and pull my phone from my pocket.

“Il mio amore,” Alessandro purrs in greeting.

“I need you,” I sob into the phone. I think it’s the first time I’ve ever uttered those words out loud to anyone, but right now, it’s true.

MOM DIDN’T HAVE any friends. She had one brother, but all I know about him is that he lives somewhere else and didn’t want me after Mom went to jail. I didn’t try to find him to tell him Mom’s gone.

We don’t do a service, because there’s no point, but I stayed last night at Mallory and Jeff’s, and we go to the cemetery together when they put her in the ground.

After almost two weeks in Alessandro’s bed, being alone last night was cold and lonely. But Jeff asked me to come for Mallory. She’s still dealing with the emotional fallout of seeing Mom again for the first time in years, just in time to watch her die.

Despite his insistence, I asked Alessandro not to come to the cemetery for that reason. Mallory’s already a wreck, and seeing Alessandro and me together isn’t going to help. I’m finally ready to open up to Alessandro, as soon as I figure out how, but I’m not quite ready to tell Mallory about it. But it’s harder than I thought it would be to do this without him.

The cemetery is a few train stops south of Mallory’s house in New Jersey. I guess it was the cheapest place Jeff could find. It seems a little run down, with patches of weeds between the patches of snow, but overall, not too bad. It suits Mom. It’s quiet right now: only the three of us and the guy with the backhoe.

I shiver under the gray January sky as Backhoe Guy very unceremoniously cranks Mom’s coffin into the hole. No one brought flowers or anything, so when he asks us if we’re ready, we nod.

As he climbs onto the backhoe, I feel Mallory’s hand tighten, where she’s holding my elbow. I look at her and her pale face is pulled tight as she stares through the stumpy, bare trees toward the parking lot.

I follow her gaze and, walking across the grass toward us, is Alessandro. His back wool jacket is closed over black slacks and a blue button-down. I’d been containing my emotions pretty well, but when I see him, I feel the dam start to break.

He stops across Mom’s hole from where Mallory, Jeff and I are standing, and there’s a question on his face.

Do I want him to stay?

Mallory splits an anxious glance between us, then drops my arm and grasps Jeff’s hand tightly. Jeff looks from her to Alessandro and his eyes widen in understanding. There’s no way anyone close to Henri is going to miss the resemblance.

I walk slowly around Mom’s hole and stop in front of him. He reaches for my gloved hand and squeezes. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t stay away.” He bites the corner of his lower lip. “I can’t stand the thought of you in pain.”

I sink into his arms. “It’s okay.”

Alessandro glances at Mallory as Backhoe Guy cranks the engine loudly to life, then says into my hair, “Would you like me to say a word?”

I look at Mallory and her face is paler than it was a minute ago, her mouth fixed in a tight line. “That would be great. Thanks,” I tell Alessandro.

He lets go of me and crosses himself then bows his head, suddenly looking very priestly. I bow mine too. “Oh God, you do not willingly grieve or afflict your children. Look with pity on the suffering of this family in their loss. Sustain them in their anguish, and into the darkness of their grief bring the light of your love. Through Jesus we pray, Amen.”

When I lift my head, Mallory is curled into Jeff’s arms, sniffling into his shoulder. We all step back as Backhoe Guy starts plowing dirt on top of Mom, and I feel my throat thicken with tears. I swallow them.

“You need to let yourself grieve,” Alessandro says, softly into my ear.

I bite my lips between my teeth and I continue to fight the tears.

He smooths a hand over the back of my hair. “She was your mother, Hilary. No matter what happened between you, you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t hurt.”

A single hot tear trickles over my lashes and courses down my frozen cheek, and he pulls me to his shoulder. And that’s all it takes for me to totally lose it. He holds me close and hands me a tissue when I start to snot all over his jacket.

When I get my shit mostly together and peel myself off Alessandro, Mallory and Jeff are already walking back to their car.

“Are you going back to your sister’s?” Alessandro asks.

I shake my head and look at him with pleading eyes. “Take me home?”

He takes my hand and we start toward the road. “I expect the taxi I took from the train station is long gone.”

I lean into him and he wraps an arm around my waist, pulling me close, knowing I need his support without my having to ask. “There’s a bus stop just up the road,” I tell him. I look toward the parking lot and see Mallory and Jeff waiting at their car. Mallory is glaring so hard, I’m surprised it doesn’t cut Alessandro down on the spot.

Alessandro must see it too, because he squeezes my waist. “I hope didn’t create a problem by being here.”

“I’m glad you came.” And it’s true. But it’s also hard, because it means I have to come clean with Mallory. I was hoping to put that off as long as possible.

Alessandro lets go of me before we reach Mallory. “I’m very sorry for your loss,” he tells her.

She huffs out a derisive laugh. “You can’t lose something you never had.”

Jeff’s grimaces and he grasps her elbow. “Mallory.” His tone is low and soft, the voice he uses when he’s trying to talk her off the ledge.

“What are you even doing here?” she spits at Alessandro, ignoring Jeff. “Haven’t you done enough damage to this family?”

“Let’s go,” Jeff coaxes, tugging gently on her elbow.

Alessandro stiffens next to me. “I’m sor—”

But that’s as far as he gets before Mallory rips her elbow out of Jeff’s grasp and launches into him, shoving him back. “I want you to stay away from Hilary, and I want you to stay away from Henri. I don’t want you anywhere near my family. Do you hear me?”

Alessandro splits a confused look between me and Mallory, trying to decipher where the venom is coming from.

Jeff grabs Mallory by the shoulders and physically puts her in the passenger seat of the Volvo as she thrashes against him, dissolving into tears as he closes the door. “I’m sorry,” he says, scratching the top of his head. “She’ll never admit to how hard this is hitting her, but she’s barely holding it together.”

“It’s understandable,” Alessandro answers, but his tone is pensive, and when I look at his face, his look tells me he’s still trying to puzzle out Mallory’s overreaction.

I’m wondering about it too. I know she’s on edge, but she just came closer that I ever have at giving away our secret.

“You’re okay to get home, Hilary?” Jeff asks.

I nod. “We passed a bus stop just up the road.”

“Thanks,” he says with a little bit of a grimace. “I think Mallory just needs some time to sort everything out.”

We turn and head for the bus as Jeff slides into the driver’s seat and pulls away.

The trip back to the city seems endless. I sink into Alessandro’s side and think about how I want to do this. I’m so wrapped up in my thoughts that it’s not until we’re through the front door of my apartment, and I finally have the right words, that I turn to Alessandro and I notice how drawn his face is.

My heart skips, and instead of saying the, “There’s something I need to tell you,” I’d been planning, I ask, “What’s wrong?”

He levels me in his sharp gaze. “How old is Henri?”

Chapter Twenty-Four

AT HIS QUESTION, and the intensity of his expression as he asks it, my stomach drops to my shoes. “What?”

“When was he born?”

“Um . . . why?”

“He’s adopted.” It’s not a question.

I start to ask how he knows, but then I remember him scrutinizing the photo of Mallory’s family when he was at their house. Henri looks nothing like either of his parents. My insides pull into a knot and the totally irrational urge to deny it flashes through my mind. But I can’t. “I wanted to tell you.”

His jaw tightens and he leans heavily against the inside of the door, his eyes closing. He rubs a hand down his face, and when he opens his eyes again he’s got that rabbit-in-the-headlights look, like he wants to bolt, but he’s frozen in place against his will. “Lorenzo’s . . . or mine?”

My racing heart feels like it screeches to a stop as a cold sweat breaks over my skin. I can’t believe we’re actually having this conversation. I focus on breathing. In. Out. “I don’t know for sure, but . . .” I feel my face scrunch, because I know what I’ve always believed. “I think I had a period after Lorenzo and . . . he looks just like you, Alessandro. The hair. The eyes. Everything.”

“But you don’t know for sure.” It’s slow and measured—a statement, not a question—as if he’s feeling around a dark room for his way out.

I shake my head. “No.”

He blows out a breath and I swear he blinks away tears. “Does he know?”

“No. Mallory doesn’t want him to.”

“So . . . when you went to Mallory’s . . . she knew you were pregnant.”

I nod. “I was way too screwed up to take care of a kid, so she and Jeff decided to get married and adopt him. They’ve been really great parents to him, Alessandro. He belongs with them.”

“But he’s ours.” Again, it’s not a question.

My thoughts are a chaos of hope and fear, colliding in my head and obliterating my ability to sort through any of it. I want him to get why I did what I did without having to explain it. I want him to fold me into his arms and tell me it’s okay. But from the look on his face, I don’t think that’s going to happen.

Tears sting the backs of my eyes, but I swallow them. “Yes.”

He drops his head and weaves his finger through his sable locks, gripping tight to the hair on the top of his head. “This is why you’ve avoided answering me when I’ve asked you repeatedly to tell me what happened after I left.” His voice is low and ominous and my heart collapses at the betrayal in it. He lifts his head and his eyes stab through me. “How could you keep this from me? You took me to meet him,” he says, pounding a fist into the door in frustration, “and you never thought to mention that he was mine?”

Suddenly, it’s too much. First Mom, and now this; everything happening all at once is more than I’m equipped to handle. His anger pushes me over the edge, and all the fear and pain I’ve stuffed down for years floods my sensibilities. The old defenses rise, the walls snapping back into place around my heart as if the last few weeks never happened.

“You’re the one who left!” It lashes out of my mouth like a whip before I even think it. “If you’d stayed like you promised, none of it would have happened!”

His eyes narrow and his gaze slices through me. “None of what, Hilary? What else happened after I left?”

I sink onto the couch, my legs too weak to hold me anymore. In my anger, I’ve said too much. He needed to know the truth about Henri, but it was never in my plan to tell him the rest.

Alessandro stays where he is, braced against the door, waiting for me to answer. I know from the look on his face that the only chance I have to make this right is to tell him everything. He’s always seen too much, and he’ll know if I’m holding back.

I lower my face into my hands, bracing my elbows on my knees, and draw a deep breath for courage as I remember everything.

We’re leaving.

His body was under mine on the couch in the rec room. I could touch him like this because no one else was around. He was kissing me, but then he stopped and looked up at me, his beautiful gray eyes clouding. “We’re leaving.”

At first I couldn’t speak. His hands ran over my back and I just stared at him. “What do you mean?” I finally asked. But I already knew.

“Our visas came. They’re making us move to my grandparents’.”

“Please, don’t.” The words choked out past my heart, beating in my throat.

He was the only thing that kept me grounded when everything in my life was spinning out of control. How could I stay here if he was gone?

“I don’t want to go.” He kissed me again, so soft, as a tear leaked over my lashes and fell on his cheek. He held me, and he kissed me, and he whispered, “I love you.”

“Please don’t leave me,” I whispered back.

I won’t.

After keeping everyone and everything out for so long, he made me trust him. I’d let him in. God, I loved him so much. I remember how desperate I was after he left . . . how I wasn’t sure I could live without him.

It was three months later, after Eric, that I decided not to.

Lorenzo was a tweaker. Before he stole my virtue, he’d put a pill on my tongue. I didn’t know what it was, only that I floated away to a happier place for a little while.

Eric had roofied me. I knew he had a stash and I needed a pill. By that time I knew I was pregnant but hadn’t told anyone. I was scared and alone and I just wanted to forget, at least for a little while. I was willing to do anything to have that floaty, out-of-body feeling again, where nothing in the real world mattered.

So I went to Eric.

Like Lorenzo, he was willing to dole his stash out . . . for a price. He gave me a pill and I took it, then I closed my eyes and pretended he was Alessandro when he climbed on top of me. And somewhere in the middle of it, in the empty fuzz of my mind, I had an epiphany. If I just fluttered away like a butterfly and never came back, nothing could hurt me anymore.

After, I waited until Eric fell asleep, then grabbed the vial from where I’d seen him put it. There were seven pills. I didn’t know what they were or how many it would take to kill me, but I hoped seven was enough.

It wasn’t.

I rub my eyes and look up at Alessandro, still pressed against my apartment door, poised to leave in the blink of an eye. “I let everyone believe that the overdose was an accident.”

“Overdose?” I watch him understand, his eyes widening. “On purpose.”

I sit up straight and just look at him.

His olive skin goes pale and he stares at me for a long heartbeat. “You meant to kill yourself? Why?”

“Because I was alone,” I say, hating that just saying it dredges up all the old pain I’ve worked my whole life to hide. “I loved you and you left and I was alone.”

His face screws into a mask of guilt. “But . . . your sister. You had Mallory. You were going to live with her.”

“But it wasn’t happening. I was in that home for seven months. Seven months. That’s forever when you’re fourteen.” My insides twist into a painful knot. “I was pregnant, Alessandro. I didn’t want anyone to know. I was ashamed. I was scared. You were gone and Mallory was taking so long . . . I just gave up.”

He isn’t breathing. He’s just staring at me with wide eyes. “Who gave you the drugs?”

I lower my gaze, feeling too filthy to look at Alessandro as I say it. “Eric.”

For a long minute, the only sound is the rush of traffic pulsing up from the street below, and the pounding of blood in my ears. Then finally, Alessandro’s voice: “Eric.”

It’s barely a word, more air than sound coming from his mouth, but from the despair in it, I know he’s guessed at the truth of what I had to do to earn those pills.

Dread slithers through my insides and wraps around my sinking heart like a python, threatening to squeeze the life out of it. “I didn’t know what else to do. I was so ashamed. When I didn’t die, it was easier to let everyone think the overdose was accidental. By that time they’d figured out I was pregnant.” I blow out a bitter laugh. “Hell, I was already starting to show, so there was no hiding it. At first, Mallory wanted me to get an abortion, but then . . . I don’t know . . . I guess I was already, like, four months or something, so . . .” I shrug, still hiding my face, feeling more vulnerable than I ever have in my life. I wait for the better part of the rest of my life for him to say something. When he doesn’t, I lift my face and look at him. “I’m sorry, Alessandro.”

Rage flickers in those charcoal eyes that have always been so soft and patient, and stiffens his body to stone, his fists clenched at his sides. “You didn’t trust me enough to tell me this?”

“No, that’s not it!” Panic chokes the words in my throat. “I swear, Alessandro, I was going to tell you, but then Mom died . . . and . . . I was trying to work out what to say.” I swallow the lump in my throat, my face scrunching with doubt. What if he doesn’t believe me? “I was going to tell you tonight.”

His expression softens, and I’m so relieved he believes me that warmth floods my frozen heart . . . until I realize what I see in his eyes isn’t understanding. It’s his endless guilt resurfacing.

For the last two weeks, when I’ve looked into those beautiful gray eyes, they’ve be clear; all the anguish over the wrongs he’s believed he did me, finally gone. But I threw it back in his face just now, blaming him for leaving me when he promised he’d stay, and he’s all too willing to shoulder all that guilt again. Only, now it’s compounded by the knowledge of what he left me to. “Tell me what happened . . . with Eric.”

My lungs stall for a breath, and my head’s shaking an adamant no before I realize I’m doing it. I swallow the acid rising in my throat. “I can’t.”

As I watch, his expression makes the subtle shift from guilt to pity, and it pushes me over the edge. I’m not going to be anyone’s pity project.

I stand from the couch. “Don’t look at me like that.”

Despite my warning, his expression doesn’t change as he steps away from the door and folds me into his arms. I wanted this. Just a minute ago, I was wishing for him to hold me and tell me everything was okay. But his embrace feels different. Careful. “Let’s finish this conversation tomorrow,” he says, kissing my forehead.

And that’s when I know my nightmares of him running weren’t the worst thing that could happen.

If he stays out of pity, that would be much, much worse.

My head spins as he tows me down the hall to my room, and my heart pounds hard into my ribs. He closes the door, and the second he turns, I plaster him to the back of it and crush my mouth to his. I put everything I have into the kiss, because I need him to feel it in his bones. I need him remember us. I need him to stop looking at me like I’m some broken, pathetic thing that needs to be fixed.

I peel his clothes off as we kiss, and when he doesn’t do the same to me, I start on my own.

A minute later, we’re on the bed, doing what we’ve done dozens of times over the last few weeks. But it’s not the same. His hands aren’t sure and his kiss isn’t hungry. The whole thing feels cold and detached; more like what sex with anyone other than him has always been.

I move underneath him, willing him to feel me in his soul. Praying to see the fire ignite inside him again.

But it’s not there. Instead of the passion I want to see in those deep gray eyes, all I see is pity. He’ll never be able to get past it. Whatever trust we’ve built is gone.

I push him off and stare at the cracks in the ceiling, fighting the tears that are threatening to break through the dam. The bedsprings whine, and I turn my head to find him sitting on the edge, dressing.

“You’re leaving?”

He spares me a quick glance over his shoulder. “I’ve got an early morning at the youth center.”

I prop myself on an elbow and hold the sheets against my chest, my heart slamming into my hand. “You’re never going to forgive me, are you?”

He scoops his shirt off the floor, shrugging it on and starting on the buttons. “There’s nothing to forgive.”

I drop back into the pillows. “If you say so.”

“Do you have everything you need?” he asks without turning around.

“What do you mean?”

He glances at me as he stands and steps into his boots near the door, kneeling to tie them. “I could help with the rent, or . . . anything you need for Henri.”

My heart scrunches into a hard knot as I slide up and lean against the headboard. “Alessandro, stop,” I say, unable to contain the panic swirling into a hurricane inside me. “Nothing has changed. Don’t make me sorry I told you.”

Betrayal and anger flare in his eyes, and it’s suddenly clear the cool façade is his wall. “You didn’t tell me. I had to sort it on my own.”

I throw my hands in the air. “It’s not like you’ve been an open book either! You go all broody and cryptic anytime I ask you about what you did that was so terrible you have to beat yourself up over it for the rest of your life. You won’t open up and let me help you. You’d rather just shut me out and hate yourself.”

The storm of emotions he’s been working so hard to hide passes over his features in the next heartbeat: anger, fear, frustration, finally settling on anguish. He rubs a hand down his face, his deep charcoal eyes more tortured than I’ve ever seen them. “Damn it! Don’t you see, Hilary! You nearly took your own life, and Henri’s too, because of what Lorenzo and I did to you, and you’re not the only one. We ruined countless lives. But this . . .” He waves an arm between us. “You and Henri are my chance to finally do something right, if you’ll let me help you.”

It’s like someone just threw my heart into a meat grinder. I can’t breathe.

He thinks he loves me, and maybe he does, but I don’t think love can survive if it’s born of guilt. If we’re always questioning it, it will die a slow, ugly death.

And I’m not sure I’ll survive it this time.

The mortar sets on the walls I’ve raised around my heart, with Alessandro firmly on the outside. I’m not going to be anyone’s pity project. I’m not going to be weak. “Henri and I are fine,” I say, feeling my heart shrivel a little inside its fortress. “We don’t need any help.”

He closes his eyes and rubs his forehead as if it hurts. When he opens them again, his façade is back in place; everything he doesn’t want me to see hidden behind it. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lost my temper.”

“Why not?”

The pity in his eyes as they lift to mine kills me inside. “Because I don’t want to upset you.”

“Why not?” I repeat, my voice harder. “Do you think I’m weak? That I can’t handle whatever you’re feeling?”

He blows out a weary sigh as he crosses the room and sits on the edge of the bed. “There’s a psychologist that volunteers at the youth center. I think you should talk to her.”

I lower my head into my hands and grab fistfuls of my hair, fighting to keep from screaming at him. “So now I’m crazy?”

“I didn’t say that.”

I lift my head and glare at him. “Then what are you saying?”

The edges of his wall are staring to crumble, and his eyes betray his fear. “I don’t know. I’m guess I’m saying, maybe you need help.”

“I need help? Me?”

He throws his hands in the air. “I don’t know what you want from me, Hilary!”

“I want you to look at me the way you did before you knew. I want us to be how we were! I want you to tell me what you’re feeling so we can deal with it!”

He’s working so hard to keep the wall in place, but his breathing is erratic, and his eyes are wild. “This is how I deal with it.”

“By keeping everything inside. I know! Why won’t you talk to me?”

“This isn’t about me!” I see the panic hiding just beneath the surface, and that’s when I know. It is about him. As long as he thinks I’m broken, he’s going to keep trying to “fix” me. And he’ll never trust me to help him.

My heart contracts into a hard ball as everything I thought we had crashes and burns all around me. I fist my hands in my hair, trying to hold myself together. I wanted this too much. I let myself believe I could have it. My chest is so tight I can hardly get enough air to say, “Get out.”

He goes pale and his hand shakes as he lays it on my thigh. “Don’t push me away, Hilary. Let me help you.”

I slap his hand away. “You are such a hypocrite! I’m not the one who needs help!”

“It’s okay to drop your defenses and be vulnerable.” He rakes the hand I slapped through his hair. “I know how hard you try to be strong, but inside, you’re still that scared girl. It’s okay to ask for help. You don’t have to keep up this act.”

Oh, God. I can’t stop the frustrated tear that courses down my cheek, and I don’t move to wipe it away. “So, you do think I’m weak. Huh. That’s funny, because all along I’ve been thinking that you were the pathetic one . . . worshiping Lorenzo, wishing you could be half the man he was. I really hope Lorenzo is Henri’s father. At least that way, he’ll grow up to have a backbone.”

In this instant, all I care about is hurting him, and I know I have when I watch my words hit the mark. His shoulders sag, his face crumples, and a rush of air leaves his lungs, as if he’s been sucker punched. The determined set to his jaw dissolves into a pained grimace as he stands and backs toward the door. “I’ll go.”

“Good,” I say, setting my resolve and closing off my heart. “And take your stuff. I don’t want to see you again.”

He fists a hand into his hair and hangs his head, and a low groan works its way up from his core. When he lifts his head and looks at me, there’s still part of me that hopes he’ll have figured it out and I’ll see the Alessandro I was falling in love with. But mingling with the anguish in his eyes is pity, and that’s all I need to see to know I made the right decision. This never could have worked. He’s got too many demons, and I’m one of them.

He reaches for the doorknob. “I’m truly sorry, Hilary. For everything. The last thing I ever intended to do was to hurt you again.”

And then he’s gone.

The snap of the door latch, echoing through the silent room as he closes it behind him, sounds so final. The fleeting urge to run after him is washed away by the tidal wave of relief. Because the truth is, I always knew he’d leave me again.

Everyone does.

IT’S AN HOUR later that I lift my swollen face out of my pillow and notice I have a voice mail. The totally irrational hope that it’s Alessandro flits through my mind as I wipe my eyes and look at the screen, but I don’t recognize the number.

I hit the button and listen to the message. “Hi, Hilary. This is Terry Vern. I’m an agent at Pinnacle Creative Management. Hailey Dunning passed your information along to me and said I should give you a call. If you could e-mail your headshot, resume, and links to any audition tape you have, that would be enough to get us started. And if you have any questions, feel free to call me back.”

As she reels off her e-mail address, I can’t move. I can’t breathe. I just sit here with my phone glued to my ear as my voice mail menu repeats over and over.

Alessandro is gone. The hole in my heart hurts as much now as it did eight years ago. But maybe this is a sign. Henri will be safe. Mallory won’t look at me like I’m her worst enemy. And, with any luck, this agent thing will work out and I’ll be on my way. It’s like the powers that be just hit the reboot button and my life is a blank slate. From here, I can make it anything I want it to be. If there was ever a new leaf, this is it.

Life is going to be good.

I didn’t just make a huge mistake by letting Alessandro walk away.

Chapter Twenty-Five

I WALK OUT of the Pinnacle Creative Management office the next Wednesday evening with two things: 1) an agent, and 2) the certainty that the person I most want to share that news with walked out of my life last week.

I call Jess from the subway. “Hey, guess what!”

She squeals into the phone. “Oh my God, Hilary! Congrats! Pinnacle is huge. You’ve hit the big time!”

I can’t stop the grin. “It does feel a little like hitting the lottery.”

“We’re celebrating tonight. Where do you want to go?”

“Wherever you want, Jess. I have something I need to do, but I’ll be home later.”

“Okay. I’ll have something fabulous planned when you get here.”

I smile again at her enthusiasm. “Thanks, sweetie.”

Ten minutes later, I’m climbing the stairs to Christopher Street. The whole walk from the subway to his apartment, I’m trying to sort out what I’m going to say, but as I step up to his door, I still have nothing. I hesitate with my shaking finger poised at the buzzer.

I haven’t heard a word from him since I let him walk out of my apartment. What I said was cruel . . . and a lie. I don’t blame him for not wanting anything to do with me. Which means I shouldn’t be here.

I press the buzzer.

A minute later, when no one’s answered, I breathe again. Maybe he’s at the youth center. I should go there.

Just to be sure, I press the buzzer one more time.

“It’s Hilary, isn’t it?”

The voice from behind me makes me jump. I spin and find Mrs. Burke and her pug.

“Yeah. Hi.”

Her face goes all sympathetic. “If you’re here for Alessandro, sweetheart, I’m sorry to tell you he’s already gone.”

“Gone,” I repeat as all the blood drains out of my head and stars flash in my eyes.

She nods. “He had a red-eye out of JFK last night. I’m surprised he didn’t tell you.”

I lift my hand and rub my face. “Um . . . you know, I think he did. I just forgot.” I don’t know why I lie.

“I hoped he might stay for you. St. Veronica’s is going to miss him.”

My erratic heart stalls in my chest. “Why would he stay for me?”

She tilts her head and a knowing little smile curves her lips. “People do things they’d never expect for love, my dear.”

Oh, God. “Um . . . did he happen to mention when he was coming back?”

She tips her head and raises her eyebrows sympathetically. “He’s not, as far as I know. He said his family needed him.”

My heart slams to the ground. “In Corsica?”

She nods.

Just at that moment, everything I wanted to say comes clear in my head. But now it doesn’t matter. I’m too late. He’s gone.

JESS PICKS A dance club we’ve never been to. It’s full of Columbia kids, mostly, shouting over music so loud it’s vibrating into my bones. I’m sweaty from dancing, so I stick to the vinyl as I lean back into the booth and take the last, long swallow of my drink—the second of many, if my plan holds.

I glance at Jess, still on the dance floor. I didn’t tell her that I went to Alessandro’s today because I don’t want her feeling all sorry for me. And pretty soon, it won’t matter. Because my plan is to get totally shit-faced. My plan is to revel in the parts of my life that are really good right now and forget the parts that aren’t.

My plan is to do whatever it takes to forget Alessandro.

“I haven’t seen you here before.”

I look in the direction of the voice and see Mike from my acting group grinning at me from the end of the booth.

“Hi.” I yell over the music.

“Can I?” he asks, gesturing to the empty seat across from me.

“Yeah, sure.”

But instead of sitting on the seat across from me, he slides into the booth next to me.

A second later, Nathan is at the end of the table with a pitcher and a stack of cups. He sets them down, looking a little out of his element, unlike Mike.

“Hey. We missed you last Monday.”

“Yeah. I was busy. Family stuff.” I did go to Mallory’s for dinner, but it was because I was looking for a reason to be out of the city, not because I had to.

“What are you drinking?” he asks, gesturing at my empty glass. “I’ll get you another.”

“Rum and Diet Coke. Thanks.”

He smiles and turns for the bar.

Mike leans in. “You look amazing.”

Jess picked my outfit, a snug black cotton tank, a short green skirt, and, of course, my killer boots. “Thanks.”

“You want to dance?” he asks with a tip of his head toward the dance floor.

“Sure.”

He stands and holds out his hand. I take it and we move through the crowd to a spot at the edge of the dance floor, not too far from Jess. She sees me and grins.

Mike was actually pretty good in our Antigone bit for acting group last month, and I find out he’s not a bad dancer either. The alcohol has definitely hit my bloodstream, because I feel all my wariness drop as I shimmy around him. When he puts his hands on my hips and starts to grind his in rhythm with mine, I don’t push him away. When the song’s over, we head back to the table and Nathan is there with my drink.

“Looks like you worked up a thirst,” he says as I slam it.

I smile at him. “I did. Your turn.” I grab his hand and tow him to the dance floor. He’s not as bold as his friend, and keeps his distance. But I decide he’s cute.

We dance off and on, and Jess floats in and out of our group. The boys keep buying me drinks, and by my fifth rum and Coke, I’ve decided I’m definitely going to sleep with one of them tonight. The question is who. Mike, who is one-night-stand material, or Nathan, who has relationship potential?

Hell. Maybe I’ll sleep with both of them. I’ve never done a ménage à trois before. And as the alcohol flows thicker through my bloodstream by the second, what I’m rapidly deciding is that, more than anything, mindless sex is what I need right now.

I knock back my drink and the three of us head out to the dance floor. Mike dances up behind me, snaking an arm around my waist and pulling me against him. Of course he’d be first to make a move. So, it’s going to be Mike, then. I give Nathan a sympathetic little pout as I lift my arms and weave my fingers behind Mike’s neck.

He lowers his face and skims the tip of his nose along the side of my neck. “You smell so good,” he says, low in my ear.

I spin in his arms, pressing every inch of me against every inch of him, and run my hands over his chest. “I taste better.”

The next second, his lips are crushed against mine, and his tongue is darting through my mouth.

I grind into him as we move to the music, forgetting everything but the feel of his hands and his mouth and his body. I come up for air a few minutes later, gasping for breath. “Come on.” He grins as I grab his hand, towing him past the bathrooms to the back exit. We push through the door into the alley, and I barely notice the cold. Mike spins me and slams my back against the building, kissing me hard. I’m getting the feeling he likes it rough—which means I’ve made the right choice.

His hands are on me—all over me—and when one reaches under my skirt and starts to tug down my thong, a sick feeling rolls up from my gut. I tell myself it’s just the booze, but suddenly, I don’t want to see Mike. I don’t want to know who I’m doing this with.

Mindless sex. Mindless.

I close my eyes as his hand slips between my legs and try to lose myself in the moment . . . and Alessandro’s there, behind my eyelids. At the image, a sucking wound in my chest opens up and I can’t breathe.

Damn him for showing up here. He’s gone, and he’s still ruining my life. But now that he’s here, I can’t make him go away.

And I can’t do this.

I open my eyes and push Mike back. “Listen, Mike . . . I just . . .” I start to tug my underwear up, but Mike grabs my wrist.

“What are you doing?”

“I shouldn’t have come out here.”

He guides my hand to his crotch. “Come on, Irish. You’re not gonna leave me like this, are you?”

I wrench my arm out of his grasp. “Sorry. I’m drunk. This was a mistake.”

He angles himself between me and the door. “Just give me a chance. I promise you won’t think it was a mistake by the time we’re done.” He moves closer, so his body is against mine, and starts on my underwear again.

I push away, feeling panic twist through my gut. “Mike, I’m serious. Stop.”

He grabs me and yanks me to him, kissing me hard.

I try to knee him, but he’s at the wrong angle, so I connect with his thigh. I push against him and his grip on me breaks as I twist.

And the next second, Mike is on the pavement.

I don’t even realize my fist has swung out and connected with his jaw until sharp pain shoots up my arm. But Mike’s split lower lip tells me I definitely did it.

“You bitch,” he whines. “You broke my tooth.”

I hear this last just before the slam of the door, because I’m already gone.

I’VE TEXTED ALESSANDRO at least a hundred times in the last four days, with no response. After the first few, when he didn’t answer my texts, I started calling. It always goes right to voice mail. I try again as I sit on the stoop of Alessandro’s apartment building. When it goes to voice mail, my heart squeezes just a little tighter in my chest.

I know it’s not fair of me to do this. I know after what I said, I should just let him go. But every waking minute, I remember how it felt to let him in, the freedom that came with finally opening myself up to someone and letting myself be me. And every minute I’m asleep, I dream of him in my arms, the weight of his body pressing into me, the things no one else has ever been able to make me feel. I pushed him away when I realize how close he’d gotten—how much of me he saw. I pushed him away because, in that instant, I knew how thoroughly he could destroy me, and I didn’t have enough faith in him to trust he wouldn’t. But every time I look at Henri and see the goodness in him, I know it came from Alessandro. What I’ve started to realize is, some things are worth the risk.

“Alessandro, I know you’re angry, and I know it’s totally unfair of me to expect you to speak to me after what I did and the things I said, but I need to talk to you. Please, if you get this message, call me.”

I disconnect and sit here, staring at the phone, just like I’ve done for countless hours before, as if, through sheer force of will, I can make it ring.

It doesn’t, and finally, I give up waiting. I stand and look over the intercom. There are four apartments on the third floor, where Mrs. Burke got off the elevator that day. I press the button for the first one. After a minute, when no one answers, I push the second.

“Hello?” comes a sharp gravelly voice.

“I’m looking for Mrs. Burke. Is this her apartment?”

“No.”

“I’m really looking for Alessandro Moretti,” I say. “He lived on the fifth floor.”

He hesitates, like he’s thinking about cutting me off. “So why’re you calling Mrs. Burke?”

“I was hoping she might know an address where I could reach him.”

“Why do you want it?”

I breathe out a breath, getting seriously sick of this guy’s questions. “I just do. I’m a friend and I need to get ahold of him.”

“He’s gone,” he growls.

“I know. He’s in Corsica. I just need his address.”

“If you’re a friend, why don’t you have his phone number?”

It’s taking all my restraint not to punch the intercom. “I’ve tried calling and he doesn’t answer.”

“I’d take that as I sign,” he grumbles.

“Forget it,” I say, lifting my hand to the next button.

“I’ve got his address.”

My heart lurches. “You have it?”

“Stay there,” he barks, then the intercom goes dead.

I’m just about to give up and punch the next button when the door opens and a scrawny old guy with a cane comes hobbling out. He waves a piece of paper in my face. “Why should I give this to you?”

I snatch the paper out of his hand without answering. On is it Alessandro’s messy scrawl with an address in Corsica. I spin and start up the sidewalk.

“You can’t take that, honey,” he says to my back.

I turn around.

“I’m the super. He gave me his address to send anything that shows up for him here.” He raises his bushy gray eyebrows at me. “Which I’m thinking might be you. You’re the one, aren’t you?”

I’m just pulling out my phone to type in the info, and I look up at him. “The one?”

“The one who broke the poor guy’s heart.”

That nearly stops my heart. I type in Alessandro’s information and send up a little prayer that it’s not too late to fix this. “Thank you,” I tell him, handing him the paper.

“You’re welcome.” He spins for the door and disappears through it.

When I get home to my apartment, Jess is at rehearsal. I snatch a sheet of paper from the printer tray and a pen from the kitchen junk drawer, and stand at the counter for a long time, just staring at it.

It’s not enough to tell him I need to talk to him. I need to actually say something. And not just anything, but something that matters. Something that might begin to make up for the horrible things I said to him that made him leave.

I close my eyes and try to think of words to describe the feeling of him running through my veins; how much a part of me he is and always has been; how he makes me something more than I ever could be without him. And then I write it all down.

TERRY IS AMAZING. She seems to know everyone on Broadway. She’s booked me for three auditions in the next two weeks. They’re all for secondary parts, and not a single one is in a musical. But, of all of them, this is the one I really want: Don’t Look Back. Off-Broadway, open run.

I’ve submerged myself in preparing for this role. I’ve been over my lines with Jess a bazillion times, and I spent an hour in Terry’s office yesterday while she coached me for this part. And now, I stand on the stage and look out over the theater, feeling calmer than I have any right to feel. I think Jess is rubbing off on me, because I’m trusting the universe. I’ve let go of everything that stood in my way and held me back. I’m dropping my armor and letting myself show.

Quinn would be so proud.

“Whenever you’re ready, Hilary,” the casting director calls to me from the seats below.

I take a deep breath, sink into my character, and give the performance of my life.

WHEN I GET home, Jess and Hailey are curled into the corner of the sofa, watching Safe Haven. Tears are tracking down Jess’s face and Hailey is stroking her hair. But the second Jess sees me, she pops off the couch.

“What’s the story, morning glory?” When she’s nervous, she regresses back to all her quirky Southernness, but this is worse than usual. Even her accent is stronger. Opening night for her show is tomorrow, so she’s been a big ball of nerves this week.

“It went really well. I think I’ve got a shot.”

She squeals and throws her arms around me, nearly knocking me over. “You’ll come out with us after the show tomorrow? Please?”

It’s been three weeks since our last night out and my disaster with Mike. After I told Jess what happened, she was so mad she wanted to knock out more of his teeth, but I talked her down. The worst part? I miss acting group, but there’s no way I’m going back if he’s there.

“You know I’m super excited for you, and I’ll definitely be front and center at opening night, but I don’t think I’m up for a night out just yet, ’kay?”

Her face pulls into a sympathetic squint. “Yeah, okay. We’ll celebrate, just the two of us, when you get that part.”

“Definitely.” I turn to Hailey, who’s standing near the couch. “Thank you so much for hooking me up with Terry. She’s amazing.” I’ve already told her this a thousand times, but I can’t help saying it again.

She smiles. “My pleasure. I’m sure she’ll come through for you.”

“You ready?” Jess asks her, shrugging into her coat.

Hailey grabs her coat and tugs it on.

“Last rehearsal,” Jess says, pretending to both shake in her boots and bite her nails.

“Break a leg.”

She pecks me on the cheek and pulls the door open. “Love ya!”

“Bye,” I say as she closes it behind them.

I settle onto the couch, picking up the remote to start the movie over again. I’m thumbing through the mail during the previews when someone knocks on the door. Jess probably forgot her keys again.

“Coming!” I call, dropping the mail on my coffee table. But when I haul myself up and pull it open, it’s not Jess.

“Alessandro,” I breathe, unable to find air.

Chapter Twenty-Six

“HILARY.”

As my heart shatters into a million pieces, it’s everything I can do to not break down into a weepy mess right on the spot.

“May I come in?” he asks when all I can manage to do is stand here, gaping.

“Yeah . . . sorry.” I back away from the opening and let him pass. I close the door and stand facing it for several beats of my racing heart, struggling to collect my thoughts. “You got my messages?”

“I did. And your letter. You’re a hard person to ignore.”

Finally, I find the strength to turn to face him. “So, you’re back?”

“All I can offer you are painful memories and my broken soul, but I love you, and if you’ll allow it, I promise to always love you. If that’s enough for you, then, yes, I’m back.”

Oh, God.

I work to keep my breathing even. “You know what I said about Lorenzo being Henri’s father . . . that was just because you were scaring me and I—”

He steps forward and stops me with a finger on my lips. “I don’t blame you. I was scaring myself.” His face pinches a little as he lowers his hand, but he holds my gaze. “I feel like half a man when you deserve someone whole. Letting you see what I really am scares me, but I will, if that’s what you want. And after you know the real me, I won’t hold you to any promises if you want to leave.”

“I want to earn your trust back, Alessandro. I want you to feel like you can open up to me and know you could never scare me away.”

His eyes are on fireas he cups my chin in his palm and runs a thumb along my bottom lip, liquefying my insides with his touch. I launch myself into his arms, and he holds me tight and kisses me hard. He finally breaks the kiss, his lips skimming across my cheek, his soft breath raising goose bumps all over my body as he whispers, “I trust you with my life.”

I kiss him again and put every ounce of myself into it, peeling off his jacket and letting it drop to the floor. His fingers twist into my hair as I slide my hands under the tails of his button-down onto warm skin at the waist of his jeans. “Make love to me,” I whisper against his lips.

His gaze burns into mine as he takes my hand and tows me to my bedroom at the end of the hall. The early evening sun is just breaking through the gray sky, casting a golden glow over my white walls. My bed is unmade, the sheets in a pool at the bottom.

I close the door and we just stare at each other for a long minute, but all it takes is for him to reach for the hem of my sweater before we’re both tearing at each other’s clothes. Once we’re both undressed, I pull him onto the bed with me. We touch and caress, and he takes his time getting familiar with my body again, finding all of my most sensitive places with his hands and his mouth. But the physical sensations can’t compare with what’s happening inside me as the walls come crashing down.

My heart opens and lets him in, and suddenly, I need him inside me in every way.

I find a condom in the egg crate that passes for my nightstand, and he shudders as I roll it on. He lies back and I lift my hips and sigh as I sink onto him, taking him inside me to the root. He’s everything I need—the only one who’s ever been able to make me feel. And I want to feel this forever.

My heart swells to absorb the converging flood of physical and emotional sensations, and it’s almost too much. It trickles out of me in tears that course over my cheeks and drop onto his chest.

He flips us so I’m under him and kisses them off my face. “I love you,” he whispers.

I pull him tighter to me, needing to find a way to become part of the same being.

His movements become long, slow strokes as he kisses me, his tongue mingling with mine and bringing us that much closer.

“Don’t stop,” I whimper when his lips move to my jawline.

He props himself on his elbows above me. “I have no intention of stopping,” he says, his voice rough and thick with emotion. “If this lasts forever, it will still be over too soon.”

He kneels between my legs and lifts me off the mattress, lowering me slowly onto his length, until he’s so deep inside me I can feel him in my soul. He guides my hips up and down to his agonizing rhythm, and I feel myself spiraling out of control again. His thickness filling me is the center of my universe, and my whole body pulses with the throbbing ache in my heart and between my legs.

A low groan rolls up from his chest and becomes a growl with his last few thrusts. I gasp for breath and his name escapes on a sob as the most intense climax I’ve ever experiences shakes me from the inside out.

He lays us back on the mattress and holds me until my tears slow. Goose bumps skate over me as he traces the lines of my face with the tip of his index finger.

“You are amazing,” I say when I can breathe.

He kisses me. “It’s all in who your teacher is.”

I smile as another shuddering aftershock pulses through me. “Then you must have had some incredible teachers.”

His fingertips moves down the hollow of my throat and trace the lines of my ribs, finding my nipple and teasing it to a hard nub. “Only you.”

I freeze. I can’t have heard him right. “What do you mean, only me?”

“I’ve never been with anyone else.”

He’s lying. He has to be. He’s twenty-five years old. How can there only have been me? “I don’t believe you.”

He shifts off my body and lies on the bed next to me, propping himself over me on an elbow. “Hilary, I almost became a priest.”

“But after that?” When I think of the girl he loved—the one he left the priesthood for—I see someone smart and confident and strong and funny. All the things I’ve been pretending to be, but am not.

“You loved her.” The thought sits like a stone in my gut.

His expression grows wary. “Who are we talking about?”

“The girl . . . the woman you gave the priesthood up for.”

“I did,” he says, pensively, catching the corner of his lower lip between his teeth. “She made me feel things I hadn’t felt in a very long time . . . things I never thought I’d feel again.”

“But you never slept with her,” I say, still trying to absorb what he said.

He shakes his head slowly, keeping his gaze locked with mine. “No.”

“Do you still love her?”

“She holds a special place in my heart.” When I lower my gaze, he trails his fingers, which had been playing with my nipple, up my throat to my chin, lifting it so I’m looking at him. “As a friend, Hilary. She’ll always be a friend.”

“A friend?”

“A friend,” he confirms, his fingertips trailing down my body. A smile tugs at his lips and there’s a wicked glimmer in his eyes that sends electricity crackling under my skin. “You’d tell me if there was something else I could to do please you?”

I glide a hand down his pecs and abs. “Being with you is . . . it’s never been like this for me.”

His eyes tighten a little. “Been like what?”

I nip his upper lip, then kiss the corner of his mouth. “I mean, it’s never been this easy for me to come. I’ve needed . . . more.”

He lifts his eyebrows. “More?”

“Pain. I’ve always needed it rough.” There’s a tortured look in his eyes as he gazes at me and I realize how that sounded. “I’m not a masochist. I don’t mean it like that, it’s just . . . I thought the pain grounded me—made me exist—but maybe it just connected me with my body so I could feel.” I run a hand over his strong shoulder. “It’s always been different with us. With you, everything is so much more intense, I don’t need the . . . extra stimulation. I mean, hell, just thinking about sex with you takes me halfway there.” My fingers trace over his happy trail to his tuft of hair. I slip off his condom and drop it over the edge of the bed behind me, then grasp him. “As a matter of fact, whenever you’re ready . . .”

His eyes flash and one corner of his mouth pulls into a sexy smile as I feel him stir in my hand. “I am your enthusiastic pupil. Putty in your capable hands.”

“Is it weird?” I ask, squeezing him.

He tips his head at me in a question.

“You were almost a priest and now . . .” I trail off, stroking his growing erection. “Though you make sex a religious experience for me, what we’re doing is very unpriestly.”

He rolls on top of me and reaches across for a condom in my egg crate. “Which is why I didn’t become a priest.”

I push him back a little. “But still, to go from nothing to all this . . .” I say, flipping my hand at the bed.

“Being with you makes me very happy. Obviously,” he adds, glancing down at his erection. “If you’re asking me if what we’re doing is against the teachings of the Church, the answer is yes. If you’re asking me if I regret it, the answer is no.”

I slip the condom from his fingers and tear it open. “Are you going to hell?” I ask as I roll it over him.

His smile is a little wicked and it makes the sensitive point between my legs pulse. “Probably.”

I spread wide and roll my hips under him, taking him deep inside. “Good. Take me with you.”

WHEN I WAKE up, it’s dark, and the other side of the bed is empty. The cool night air prickles my skin into goose bumps as I sit up and scan the room, my heart skipping at the thought that Alessandro in my bed was just another of my fantasies. But then I see the moonlight reflecting off the long, lean curves of his naked body as he stands at the window, looking out into the New York night.

“Alessandro?” I croak.

He doesn’t turn, but I see him stiffen.

I slip out of bed and move slowly toward him, and when I reach him, I skim my fingertips down his back. He shudders under me.

“I don’t deserve to be this happy. Not when I’ve hurt so many people. I don’t even have names or faces for most of them. There’s nothing I can do to atone for my sins. So they sit right here,” he says, lifting a fist to his chest over his heart, “and they feed on my soul.”

I slip my arms around his chest and press myself against his back. This is it. He’s giving me what I asked for, a look into his soul. The honest truth is, I’m a little scared of what I’m going to see there, but I have to step up to the plate and be strong for him. I told him nothing I saw would scare me away, and I’m not going to let him down. “Who are these people, Alessandro? And if you say me, I’m throwing you out this window.”

He turns in my arms and rests his forehead on the crown of my head. “Then, I won’t say it. But it’s not just you. Every kid in school who I dealt drugs to, every person I let Lorenzo beat and rob, every kid I let him force into the gang, every rival gang member I let him stab.” He lifts his head and looks into my eyes. “And, even if he didn’t rape you, there were others.”

“Did you rape anyone?” I ask, confident I already know the answer.

“No.”

“Who gave you the drugs to deal?”

He blows out a breath and shivers. “Lorenzo.”

“Who beat and robbed those people?”

The moonlight glimmers in the sheen of tears pooling in his eyes. “I helped, Hilary. I didn’t try to stop him. I helped him. I was just as angry as Lorenzo was. He was just better at acting on that anger, so I took my lead from him.” He rakes both hands through his hair and tips his head back, his Adam’s apple bobbing as fights for control. “And I shot a man. It was only by the grace of God that he didn’t die. I don’t even know what became of him or his family. I looked for them when I came back, but . . .”

“Whose gun was it?” I try not to let the shock show in my voice. I can’t believe Alessandro, the boy I knew, the man I know, would have shot anyone. But if he did, I know at whose urging it was.

He lowers his gaze. “It doesn’t matter whose gun it was. I’m the one who pulled the trigger. That man’s blood will forever be on my hands. My hands, Hilary. Not Lorenzo’s.”

I step back into his arms and lay my head on his chest. “Tell me what happened.”

He draws a shaky breath and blows it into my hair. “It’s what finally got us arrested. There was an old man who set up his hot-dog stand at the corner of the park near our house on weekends. It was dusk and just starting to rain . . .” His voice hitches. “Lorenzo didn’t usually carry, but he was short cash for his supplier and he knew they’d be coming after him, so he walked up to the old man while he was packing up his stand and pointed the gun in his face. When the old man opened his cashbox, Lorenzo pistol-whipped him and dropped him to the ground.” He shakes his head. “He couldn’t just take the money, he had to beat that poor man too. He gave him a few kicks to the ribs to be sure he was down, then handed me the gun so he could grab the money. The last thing either one of us expected is the man to take that kind of beating and get up, but he did. Before I could react, he was off the ground and on Lorenzo.”

My face is pinched in a grimace of dread. I force it to relax and push back to look at Alessandro. “So you shot him.”

He lets go of me and rubs a hand down his face, and that’s when I realize it’s tears he’s wiping away. “I didn’t even hesitate. I shot a defenseless old man in the back.” He leans his hands on the windowsill, hanging his head.

For a long time I can’t speak. “You were there . . . in that position, because of Lorenzo, Alessandro. If he hadn’t robbed that vendor, you never would have had that gun in your hand.”

“But I did,” he says as another tear rolls over his lashes. I want so badly to wipe it away for him, but I don’t. “I had a choice. I didn’t have to shoot him. He ended up in a wheelchair.”

“I won’t believe you wanted to hurt that man. You were scared.”

“It’s irrelevant whether I wanted to hurt him. He ended up paralyzed.” He pushes away from the window and turns, reaching up to tug his hair. “When I went to the police and told them what happened, Lorenzo was furious.”

“Wait! What?”

He breathes deep. “He couldn’t understand why I would—”

“No. I mean . . . you turned yourself in?”

He nods.

And still, he insists on beating himself up over this. I take a deep breath. “So there are some things you did wrong, Alessandro. You made some bad choices. You’re human. But you have to separate those things from the things Lorenzo did. You have to let his shit go so you can focus on what to do about your own. I want to help you.” I lift my hand and trace a finger along the scar on his side. He flinches away from me, but I don’t stop. “I want that more than anything . . . for you to let me in so I can make you see what an amazing person you really are. But I can’t do that unless you want me to. You have to invite me in.”

He tips his forehead into mine. “You are so far inside me, sometimes I’m not sure where I stop and you start.”

“Then let me help you. You can show me your pain. I promise it won’t break me.”

His gaze burns into mine. “I’ve always seen your strength, even when we were young. But I can’t burden you with mine on top of what you’re already dealing with. It wouldn’t be right.”

I pull away from him. “If you can’t trust me to help you through this, I don’t think we’re going to make it.” I tip his face up and kiss him gently on the lips. “And I want to make it, Alessandro. I want that more than anything.”

A tear spills over his long lashes, and then another. I wipe them away with my thumb and watch as what’s left of his composure crumbles. I manage to coax him back to my bed, where he wraps himself around me. I hold him as he falls apart, and hope it’s enough.

After the longest hour of my life, he finally lifts his head out of my chest and looks at me. “You’ll help me sort mine from his?”

“I will do anything for you that you’ll let me.” As I say it, a knot forms in my chest at the truth in those words. I’d do anything for him. “Is it too hard for you—being here in New York? I mean . . . if you were back in Corsica, would you be able to get past this?”

His eyes flare in the dark. “I thought I was clear. I’m not leaving you again.”

I swallow. “What if I came with you?” I want him to heal . . . to feel whole again . . . and if leaving New York will help him get his soul back, the way he helped me get mine, I’d do it for him in a heartbeat. I don’t want to give up the theater—especially now—but I realize just at this second that Alessandro means more to me than Broadway. He means more to me than anything, except maybe Henri. If he needs to go, I’ll go with him.

He shakes his head slowly. “And just when I thought I couldn’t possibly love you any more . . .”

“I’m serious. I want you to be free of this burden. It will crush you otherwise. If we have to leave for that to happen, I’ll go.”

“No, Hilary. We’re going to do this right here. You’re right that I need to sort Lorenzo’s from mine, and I trust you to help me.”

“I’m so sorry what I said about Lorenzo before you left. I hope you know I didn’t mean any of it.”

His eyes glimmer in the moonlight through the window as his finger traces the lines of my face. “There was some truth in it. I did worship Lorenzo. But you have to understand, he wasn’t always the person you knew. When we were little, Lorenzo was my hero.”

I listen intently as he tells me everything. It turns out Lorenzo wasn’t always hard. He was softer when they were young kids. But he changed after he got beat up one day on his way home from school.

“I could see him slipping away,” Alessandro says. “He started hanging out with older kids, who I guess he thought would protect him. They thought it was funny to use Lorenzo as their gofer. They’d send him into stores to shoplift cigarettes or candy, and he’d do it. They’d send him to buy their drugs, and he’d do it. I threatened to tell our father what he was doing, but he said his ‘gang’ would beat the crap out of me if I told. And then Dad died and Lorenzo just went off the deep end. He started using . . . skipping school . . . and our mom was too distraught to see what was happening.”

We talk for hours about Lorenzo as Alessandro tries to sort it all out in his head. There are more tears—both his and mine—as he recounts everything leading up to the group home.

“And then . . . what he did to you. I couldn’t bear it when he started bragging. I wanted to help you, but I didn’t know how. When you came to me . . . when you told me what you wanted, I felt sick. But you didn’t give up, and I’d always . . . I really liked you and I . . .” He swallows as more tears threaten. “God help me, I wanted you for myself, and I rationalized what I did by convincing myself I could help you if you let me close enough.”

“You did help me, Alessandro. You helped me more that I can even say.”

His lips purse. “Not in the way I’d meant to.”

“Please, Alessandro. I don’t know how to make you understand. You were what I needed, and if what we did was wrong, it was my fault. I can’t live with your guilt. If you can’t forgive yourself for you, do it for me. Please.”

He brushes his fingertips over my jawline. “There’s very little I wouldn’t do for you.”

I kiss him, then sink deeper into his body, resting my head on his chest. I remember how safe I felt in his sixteen-year-old arms. Some things never change.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

BRIGHT MORNING SUN is streaming in my window when I finally wake in Alessandro’s arms and find him gazing down at me. His lips brush mine. “Good morning.”

I roll so I’m facing him, his glorious naked body pressed against mine. “Morning.”

He kisses me deeply, liquefying my insides and making me hope he’s leading up to something more. So when he kisses the tip of my nose and says, “I want to know everything about Henri,” my heart skips.

I knew this was coming. We need to talk about it. But what if he wants to tell Henri?

The skin around Alessandro’s eyes tightens. “Hilary, you look like you’ve swallowed a porcupine. Say something.”

“It’s just . . .” There’s a tug at my heart that I can’t explain. I love Henri so much, and part of me has always wanted him to know the truth—to have him look at me the way he looks at Mallory. “I want him to know . . . but Mallory . . . she’d never . . .”

He threads his fingers into my hair and kisses my forehead. “Mallory has been an excellent mother to him. When and how Henri learns the truth has got to be her decision.”

My insides loosen. Everyone’s on the same page. This is good.

“Henri is amazing,” I start, and then I can’t stop, telling him everything about Henri, from how his first step turned into his first somersault, to how, instead of learning to speak one word at a time like most kids, he saved it all up and started spouting full sentences when he was fourteen months old. I tell him how Henri could do hundred-piece puzzles by the time he was a year and a half, and how he tested into the gifted program at school in the second grade. I tell him how, when Max was nine months old and Mallory still couldn’t get him to eat solid food, Henri was the one who finally got him to eat, even though he was little more than a baby himself, by finger painting scenes on Max’s plate in baby food that Max would slap his hand into, then lick off. I tell him how Henri held Max’s hand and walked him to class his first day of school, and how he’s always been fiercely protective of Mallory, and how he loves Jeff more than anything.

And then I realize what I’ve said and I cringe a little.

“He loves his father, Hilary, as he should. It means he’s had a happy upbringing. That’s all I could ever want for my son.”

At those words coming from Alessandro’s mouth, a shiver courses through me. Henri is his son, and now he knows. It’s surreal that we’re even having this conversation . . . forget the fact that we’re doing it naked in my bed.

His fingertips whisper over my neck, my shoulder and to the curve of my breast. “You are incredibly beautiful in the morning, Hilary McIntyre.” He drops kisses over my forehead and cheeks as his hands start their soft exploration of my body, and when he reaches into the box next to the bed and comes out with a condom, I know I’m going to get my wish.

JESS IS UP an hour later when Alessandro leaves, and her eyes flick between us as she grins from behind her coffee cup.

Alessandro kisses me at the door, his fingertips gliding along my rib cage over the thin silk of my bathrobe, tightening my nipples and making me want to drag him back into my bed. But Max’s birthday party is this afternoon, and I promised Mallory I’d be there to help herd seven-year-olds.

“Will you come to my hotel tonight?” he asks me, pulling me tight to his body.

My hands drift down his chest, over solid pecs, to the ridges of his abs. “You’re ready for more lessons?”

I feel his lips curve against my forehead. “Always your willing pupil.”

His hand slips behind the nape of my neck, and he pulls me into another kiss. “Text me when you’re on your way.”

When I close the door behind him, Jess squeals and jumps up and down, clapping her hands. “Oh my God! He came back for you! I swear to God, Hil, that is the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen.”

I roll my eyes, but I can’t stop the goofy smile that breaks across my face. “Speaking of, how’s Hailey?”

Her grin matches mine. “Good. Really good. We’re going to a party tonight with all her Broadway friends. She says she wants to show me off.”

“You’ve arrived, Jess. A Broadway secondary and a director girlfriend . . .”

“Casting director,” she corrects.

“Semantics.” I turn and pad up the hall toward the bathroom. “How’s our Advil supply? Max’s birthday party is this afternoon.”

BY THE TIME I get to Mallory’s, the place is full of fifteen of Max’s second-grade classmates.

Mallory puts me in charge of games while she handles food, and with Henri’s help, I get the kids organized for pin the tail on Scooby Doo and the piñata.

There’s cake and ice cream, and Max opens his presents. Little by little, moms come to collect their kids, and finally they’re all gone and I can hear myself think again.

Jeff, Henri, and Max are putting together a matchbox racetrack in the family room as Mallory and I clean up the mess in the kitchen. I’m washing and she’s drying when I get up the nerve to say it.

“I told Alessandro.”

Her head jerks up from the dish she was drying and her eyes widen. “I thought he was gone.”

“He came back.”

“And you told him! Why would you do that?”

“I just . . .” I shake my head, “He’s Henri’s father, Mallory. It’s not right to keep that from him.”

“Is he going to say anything?”

“To Henri?”

One of her eyelids starts to twitch as she stares me down. “To anybody.”

“No, Mallory. He won’t say anything, but . . .”

“But, what?” Her jaw is tight and I can feel fear and betrayal radiating off her in waves.

“Don’t you think maybe Henri should know the truth?”

She holds her breath for several long heartbeats, and I can’t read her expression, but then she breathes out and sags into the counter. “Does he want to be part of Henri’s life?”

“I think he wants to get to know him.”

“And that’s all? He’s not going to try for custody?”

I shake my head. “No, Mallory, We both know you are Henri’s parents in every way that matters. We would never try to take him from you. But . . .” I pause, putting down the bowl and sponge and setting my resolve. “I never knew my father and I don’t want to do that to Henri.”

Mallory flicks a glance toward the family room and lowers her voice. “But this is different, Hilary. Henri has a father. Jeff is his father.”

“I know. I do. Jeff is an amazing dad—”

“Please don’t mess with him,” she begs, tears glimmering in her eyes. “He’s too young. This would be too hard for him to understand. It would just confuse him.”

Is she right? Am I being selfish?

“When he’s ready, I promise we’ll tell him. You and me, we can tell him together. I just think it’s too soon.” Tears spill onto her cheeks and she wipes them away.

I bite my lips between my teeth. She really is trying to protect him. It’s me who’s out of line. “You’re a great mom, Mallory. I mean it.”

“I can’t imagine my life without him.”

“Me either.”

She pushes off the counter and hugs me. “I love you, Hilary. I really do.”

“I love you too,” I say thickly past the lump in my throat as tears leak over my lashes.

“You gave me the most amazing gift.” She sniffles. “Please don’t do anything to hurt him.”

I can’t remember ever letting Mallory see me cry, but I bury my face in her shoulder as the tears start for real.

ALESSANDRO AND I spend every day together, but Thursdays are still our day to explore, and today it’s my turn to choose. We have a command performance at Mallory’s for dinner because she says wants to talk to Alessandro about his family medical history, but I know it’s more. She wants to feel him out—to be sure he’s on board with keeping our secret.

But that’s tonight. We have all day.

I’m just drying off from the shower when my phone rings. It’s Terry’s ringtone.

My palms go instantly clammy as I lift my phone to my ear. “Hey.”

“Hilary? Good news, honey. Are you sitting down?”

I move to my bed on shaky legs and sit. “Yeah. Hit me.”

“So, you know how you auditioned for a secondary role in Don’t Look Back?”

“Yeah . . .”

“What would you think if they offered you a primary?”

There’s a zing through my chest, and for a second I’m sure I’m having a heart attack. “Don’t mess with me, Terry. I’m fragile.”

She barks out a laugh. “You’re about as tough as they come, honey, but I’m not messing with you.”

“Holy shit.”

“I know! This is so exciting!”

“Which role?” I ask as my head clears a little.

“Rene. The sister that goes away to college.”

“Holy shit!” I say again.

Terry laughs. “I know!”

“Holy shit,” I whisper as I feel tears press against the backs of my eyes.

My door flies open and Jess and is standing there with an expectant look on her face. I nod and she launches herself into me.

Terry’s voice comes faintly from where I dropped the phone on the floor. “Hilary?”

Jess backs off and I sniffle as I scoop it up. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. We’re still negotiating contract points, but the money’s good and I think you should take this. Are we in agreement?”

I sniffle again. “Yes! Totally yes.”

“Good. Congratulations, Hilary. I’ll call you later with all the details.”

“Thank you so much, Terry.”

“I just sent you in the right direction, honey. You did all the heavy lifting.”

When I lower the phone, Jess jumps me again. “Which one?”

“I got Rene in Don’t Look Back.” I flop back on the bed and plaster my hands over my face. “I’m Rene.”

I scream through my tears, and Jess screams along with me.

“Tell me everything!” she says.

But all I can do is cry for a really long time.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

WE MEET AT Argo Tea and Alessandro beams when I tell him my news.

“I never doubted your talent,” he says, reaching across the table and weaving his fingers into mine.

“I just can’t believe it’s finally happening.” It still doesn’t feel real.

He scrapes my chair closer and lifts me into his lap, and I ignore the stares from the table next to ours as he kisses me. “Congratulation,” he says when he finally lets me go.

“Thanks.” I nip his lip. “You ready?”

“I am.”

We stand and he helps me into my jacket. I lead him down the first set of subway stairs we come to. He doesn’t ask where we’re going, and it’s a good thing, because I don’t know.

A train is just whooshing up to the platform when we get there and Alessandro moves to get on, but I grab his arm.

“Not yet,” I tell him because, from somewhere deep in the echoey station, I hear the faint chords of a guitar. I take Alessandro’s hand and follow the sound to the stairs between platforms, where I find a young blond guy on a folding stool, strumming out “Stairway to Heaven.”

I glide my arm around Alessandro’s waist and lean into him. When he finally figures out that we’re not actually trying to catch a train, I feel him relax into me. He pulls me closer, looping both arms around my shoulders, and, as Guitar Man segues into an Evanescence song that I don’t remember the name of, he starts to sway us to the rhythm.

After two more songs, I throw a couple dollars in the open guitar case and we move to the train. We ride the subway, changing lines randomly, and as we roll into each stop, I scan the platform. When the doors slide open, I listen through the rustle of the crowd for music. And wherever I find it, we get off and listen.

Some of the musicians are really good, like Guitar Man, and others truly suck, but either way, I leave two dollars in their hats or cases or whatever. Three hours later, after ten stops, I’m down to my last two dollars.

We roll into Union Square Station and, as I listen, I finally hear what I didn’t even realize I’ve been listening for. I grab Alessandro’s hand and pull him off the train. After it whooshes away, I zero in on the rich notes of the sax and follow my ears.

He’s outside the turnstiles, just like he was the first night I ever saw him, four months ago . . . the night Alessandro found me. I tow Alessandro through without hesitating and find the guy with long, stringy, gray hair in his face sitting cross-legged on the cement floor, his grungy sax case open in front of him. He still seems just as sad as he did that night, or maybe even sadder. He doesn’t look up at us as he plays, but his song wraps itself around me and speaks to my soul.

Alessandro steps up behind me and slips his arms around my waist, and I close my eyes and listen. Just like that first night, I picture all the notes fluttering in the air like butterfly wings, and instead of making me feel sad . . . trapped, I finally feel free.

I’m shedding my secrets and coming clean. I’m letting go of my fear and anger. I’m starting out of the dark tunnel I’ve been living in for so long, and the tighter Alessandro holds me, the freer I am.

MALLORY TAKES OUR jackets when we get to her house. “Make yourselves comfortable,” she says with a wave of her hand at the family room. On the coffee table is a spread of munchies, and I hear Jeff crashing around in the kitchen.

“Where are the boys?” I ask when it stays quiet.

“We sent them over to Wendy’s for the night.” The way Mallory says it, I know tonight’s going to be all business.

Jeff comes in from the kitchen. “Hi, Hilary.” His eyes shift to Alessandro and give him the once over. “I’m Hilary’s brother-in-law, Jeff,” he says holding out his hand. “We didn’t really have a chance to meet at the cemetery.”

Alessandro takes his hand and gives it a firm shake. “Alessandro. It’s a pleasure.”

“Well . . . make yourselves at home,” he says with a tip of his head at the couch. “What can I get you to drink? Beer? Wine? Soda?”

Alessandro and I take seats on the couch, and Mallory sits beside me. “Wine,” she says, a little too fast. Her nerves are already shot, I can tell.

“Wine sounds lovely, thank you,” Alessandro says.

Jeff looks at me and for a second I think about saying wine too, but decide it’s too early to pick a fight. “Diet.”

I pluck a bruschetta off the tray in front of me as Jeff turns for the kitchen.

“Who is the cook?” Alessandro asks, helping himself to a stuffed mushroom.

“Jeff, mostly,” Mallory says, then she shifts beside me and levels Alessandro in her gaze. “First, I want to apologize for my behavior at the cemetery.”

“You were grieving,” Alessandro says. “It was understandable.”

She nods, and her eyes flick to me, then back to Alessandro. “Hilary’s never shared details with me about your relationship in the group home.”

And I guess we’re diving right in.

Alessandro glances at me as if asking for permission. I shrug and he looks past me at Mallory. “My brother and I were there for only a few months, but Hilary and I grew very close during that time.”

Her eyes simultaneously widen and narrow in her patented disapproving skeptic’s squint. “Very close, obviously.”

He nods slowly. “I cared for her a great deal.”

Jeff comes back into the room. He sets our glasses in front of us on the coffee table, hands Mallory her wine, and settles into the armchair next to her.

She takes a long sip, then looks hard at Alessandro. “Were you the one who got her involved with drugs?”

“My brother and I both dealt drugs then,” he answers. “I wasn’t a good influence on Hilary.”

“It wasn’t you, Alessandro,” I say, unable to let him take the blame for my choices. I’ve shed some pretty major secrets lately. May as well shed them all. I look at Mallory and breathe deeply. “I wasn’t ‘involved with drugs,’ ” I say, making air quotes. “I was never an addict.”

Alessandro’s fingers weave into mine and squeeze as Mallory narrows her eyes at me. “Hilary, rewriting history isn’t going to help you.”

“I took those pills because I was done. I was scared and alone and pregnant and . . . I couldn’t do it anymore.”

Jeff’s mouth falls open and Mallory turns ash white. “You . . .” She drops her head into her hand. “Oh, God. This is my fault.”

“It’s not anyone’s fault, Mallory,” I say. “I made the choice.”

Jeff squeezes her hand harder. “I think our primary concern, Alessandro,” he says, bringing the conversation back to the here and now, “is what is going to happen from here. Considering your history together, we don’t believe that it’s healthy for Hilary to spend time with you.”

One of my fists balls into the couch cushion and the other nearly snaps the bones in Alessandro’s hand. “You two don’t get to decide that,” I spit, feeling totally betrayed that Jeff let Mallory manipulate him.

Mallory lifts her head from her hand and glares at me, but Alessandro takes my hand into both of his and kisses my knuckles, giving me an “it’s okay” look.

“I don’t know how much Hilary has told you about me, but for a good portion of the time I was away from New York, I was training for the Catholic priesthood. I attended seminary in Rome and was within a few days of being ordained before I realized the priesthood wasn’t my path. I was very troubled when I left New York, and it was the faith that our family priest in Corsica showed in me that pulled me out of my self-destructive spiral. Because of this, working with children is my passion. I am the director of Teen Services at the Catholic Big Sisters and Big Brothers Center on the Lower East Side. My goal is to give those children a sense of self-worth and encourage them to be good Christians and good people, just as Father Costa did for me. I’ve made mistakes I can never undo,” he says with a sideways glance at me, “but I have, and will continue to spend my life atoning for them as the Lord shows me opportunity.”

Mallory shoots a wary glance at Jeff. “That’s commendable, but it doesn’t change our concern. That was a difficult time for Hilary, and I’m not convinced that having you here . . . reminding her of it, is in her best interest.”

“Mallory,” I warn through a tight jaw. You’d swear from the conversation that I must be five years old.

Her gaze becomes sharp as it cuts to me. “I worry about you, okay? It’s a habit that doesn’t die easy.”

“I understand your concern, Mallory,” Alessandro says, his eyes slipping to mine again, “and I shared it at first. I was worried about what I would find when I went looking for Hilary, and when I found a beautiful, capable woman, I worried what seeing me again might do to her. I even left, trying to protect her, but the truth is, I loved your sister then, when we were both so broken, and despite myself and my best intentions, I’ve fallen in love with her all over again. As long as she’s willing, I intend to be a part of her life. I’d also like to be a part of Henri’s, if you’ll allow it.”

“He’s not ready to know the truth,” Mallory says, her voice suddenly sharp.

“I respect your decision as a parent as to what’s best for your children. All I ask is that I’m allowed to know both Henri and Max. I would like to be a friend to them, and to you.”

Mallory’s face pinches. “I’m just . . . it’s too easy to slip, to say something without realizing it. And, no offense intended, but I don’t know you from Adam. How can we be sure you won’t change your mind and tell him, or petition for custody?”

Alessandro leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees. “You were there for Hilary when I abandoned her. You’ve been a constant positive in her life when she’s so desperately needed one. And your son is the amazing child he is because of his parenting. I would never dream of doing anything to hurt him, or you.”

She and Jeff exchange a look and Mallory produces three stapled pages of white paper from the side table. “Would you sign this petition to waive your parental rights?”

Alessandro reaches across me and takes it from her shaking hand. He reads over the first page, then looks at me with a question in his eyes.

“I had to sign one when I gave Henri up for adoption,” I tell him.

He nods slowly then shifts his gaze to Mallory. “Do you have a pen?”

The tension in the room seems to palpably bleed out as Mallory hands him a pen and he signs.

Jeff squeezes Mallory’s hand and pushes up from his chair. “Thank you, Alessandro,” he says, extending his arm.

Alessandro stands and shakes his hand. “Thank you for being there for Hilary when she needed you.”

Jeff gives him a nod. “Dinner is just about ready,” he says, turning for the kitchen, “ . . . if we haven’t killed your appetite,” he adds with a teasing smile over his shoulder at me.

Dinner conversation is lighter. We tell Mallory and Jeff about our Thursdays and Jeff asks Alessandro for information on Pizza for the Masses. Mallory suggests the High Line in the spring if we haven’t seen it and Alessandro adds it to his list.

When we’re through and Mallory packs up a bag of leftovers for Alessandro, I can’t help but smile. He has her stamp of approval. As much as she wants to, even she can’t resist him.

As we’re standing on the subway platform after making the transfer from the PATH, Alessandro scoops me into his arms and kisses me. “I’ve been dying to do that all night,” he says when he pulls away.

I raise my eyebrows at him. “What took you so long?”

“I was trying to appear the gentleman for your sister, and I knew if I started, I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off you.”

“You can’t keep your hands off me?” I say, running a hand seductively over my hip.

He smiles and leans in to kiss me again, his hands gliding over my curves, leaving me gasping for air.

He nips my bottom lip between his teeth and tugs gently. “Take me home with you,” he whispers against my lips.

I trace a finger down his abs to the button of his jeans. “You don’t think maybe we should slow down a little?”

His perfect mouth pulls into a sexy half smile and there’s a wicked spark in his eye. “Oh, I intend to go tortuously slow.”

The muscles in my belly contract as the tingle between my legs becomes a hot, pulsing ache. I grin with the rush and bump him with my hip. “Two can play at that game, mister.”

His hand slips to my ass as the train whooshes into the station, and if he’s not careful, everyone on the E train is going to get a show.

I WALK INTO the 115th-Street library determined not to be scared anymore. And when I look around, I see there’s no reason to be. The gang’s all here, except Mike.

Nathan smiles from across the circle and gives me a little wave.

“Irish! Long time no see!” Quinn shouts. “How’s our resident celebrity?”

“Way to steal her thunder, Quinn,” Nathan says.

I stop in my tracks. “How did you hear?”

He winks. “An old guy like me knows people.”

I step into the circle and Quinn wraps me in a bear hug. “I’m proud of you, Irish,” he says lower, just for me.

“Thanks, Quinn.”

“We’ve got a celebrity in the house!” he announces to the group, clapping me on the back. “Irish is getting ready to take Broadway by storm.”

“Off-Broadway,” I mutter, embarrassed.

“Tell everyone about your role.”

“The production is called Don’t Look Back, and it’s opening at Theatre Row in April. It’s a contemp about two sisters who have . . . issues. I’m Rene, the younger sister. Our mom is kind of psycho and I’m her favorite, which seriously screwed up my older sister. We basically hate each other at the beginning because we’re so different, but then our mom dies and we’re stuck together going through all her stuff, and we figure out that we’re really exactly the same.”

“And she’s comping us all tickets!” Kamara shouts.

“I will if I can,” I say, and it’s true. Being part of this group is what has kept me going for the last two years. They’ve kept me from giving up.

“Nah,” Vee says. “She’ll get all famous and won’t remember we exist.”

“I won’t. As long as you let me, I want to keep coming.”

Quinn smiles. “You’ll always be welcome here. And I think, in celebration, we need a reprisal of one of your most challenging roles.” He looks at Nathan. “You ready, Prince Phillip?”

Nathan smiles and stands as I grumble, “Oh, no.”

Quinn pulls me up by the arm. “Show us what you got, hot shot.”

I meet Nathan in the middle of the circle. “Where’s Mike?” I ask so only he hears.

He leans close to my ear. “I told the asshole to take a hike.”

“Thanks.” I take a breath. “So, you ready?”

He nods and flashes me a wily smile. “You own this prissy little bitch.”

I laugh and launch into Aurora. And I let all my soft spots show.

I always thought being strong meant pushing everyone else out and never showing weakness. What being with Alessandro has taught me is that strength is really putting yourself out there and not hiding who you are. We’ve talked a lot about our time together at the group home. He’s reminded me of the endless conversations we had. I’d forgotten how much I told him, but I’m glad I did. After everything that happened I wanted to forget myself. Talking to him has reminded me of who I really am.

I want to be that person again . . . the person who dares to believe that things might just work out. The person who dares to let people really see her, the good and the bad. The person who dares to live her life without being afraid. Without hiding that fear behind sharp edges that will cut anyone who gets too close.

I think Quinn knew that, when I filed down all the sharp edges and I let the real me show, I wouldn’t be scared anymore. He was right.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

IT’S THE END of April. The first really warm day of the year. I pull out a black-and-white halter dress that I love but haven’t seen since August. They say it’s only supposed to hit seventy today, so it might still be a little cool for it, but I don’t care. I feel like I’m coming out of a long, dark tunnel, and damn if I’m not going to bask in the sun.

I Frizz-Ease my hair and spiral it around my fingers, then brush on mascara and call it good. Alessandro called me at ugly o’clock this morning because he knew, rightfully, that’d I’d oversleep my alarm, so now I’m late.

He’s making breakfast before we go to the youth center, and I promised him I’d be at his apartment by eleven.

Tomorrow is his birthday and I want to think of something truly amazing to do for him, but so far I haven’t been able to come up with anything. On my birthday, last month, he took me on a posh dinner cruise around the harbor. It was beautiful and magical and we danced all night to the jazz band under the New York skyline. There’s nothing I could do for him that would compare.

I hurry to the subway and when I get to Alessandro’s new apartment, I’m only fifteen minutes late, which by my clock is on time. His studio in the West Village got snapped up right after he left for Corsica, but he found a sublet from someone at St. Veronica’s. It’s totally boring compared to his old place.

He buzzes me up and when he opens his apartment door, the breakfast smells wafting into the hall make my mouth water. But the look in his eyes makes me hungry in a whole different way. He pulls me through the door, and before it’s even closed, his mouth is attacking mine. I kiss him back and start on the buttons of his shirt, but he takes my hand and weaves his fingers into mine. “If you were here fifteen minutes ago . . .” he says with a teasing smile and a raised eyebrow.

I roll my eyes and blow out a frustrated breath.

He kisses me again, a soft brush of his lips across mine. “I missed you last night.”

“Me too.”

I’ve been spending a lot of time at Alessandro’s apartment over the last two months, but I also really like living with Jess, so I try to split my time. Last night we went out for girls’ night, which meant just the two of us. I took her to Filthy’s because, believe it or not, now that I’m not working there anymore, I kind of miss the place. We hung out and drank and just let loose. I almost fell off my stool laughing when Jerry hit on her.

Alessandro turns for the kitchen and I follow. As he starts scooping some egg dish from a pan onto a plate, I look down and see a wedding invitation on the counter. Next to it is a hand written note.

Dear Alessandro,

It was so good to hear from you, and thanks for sending your address. I can’t believe it’s been a whole year since I saw you last. I think about the time we spent together in Rome often. It seems like just yesterday.

I hope being back in New York is bringing you the peace you deserve. It’s amazing that you were able to find Hilary again after all these years. I’ve prayed everyday you would find contentment in this world and I can’t even tell you how it makes me feel to know how happy she makes you. She sounds amazing. I hope one day I can meet her.

Trent and I were planning to wait until next year to get married, but an amazing opportunity for a paid internship came up at a children’s museum in England. Since we’re not willing to live apart, and our parents don’t want us living in sin, we’ve moved the wedding up to this summer, after graduation. All the information is enclosed. I hope you and Hilary can make it.

I hope your family is well and your mother is continuing to improve. Say hello for me next time you talk to them. Please take care of yourself, and keep in touch. I miss you.

Love,

Lexie

“She misses you,” I say when I look up and find Alessandro watching me.

“And I miss her too.”

“But you don’t still love her.”

He moves the few feet to the table and sets our plates down. “She helped me at a time in my life when I didn’t know I was in need of help. She was the shot of reality that I needed to finally understand the priesthood wasn’t where I belonged.”

“If she had felt differently . . .” I flick the invitation. “If she wasn’t in love with this Trent guy—”

“Who happens to be her stepbrother, by the way,” Alessandro interrupts with half an ironic smile.

“Wow. Seriously?”

He nods.

“Okay . . . so if she hadn’t been in love with her stepbrother, would you still be with her, do you think?”

“Everything that’s happened to me has happened for a reason. It’s all brought me to right here, right now.” He pulls me into his arms and plants a kiss on me that curls my toes. “To you.”

I drape myself over him and kiss him hard. He kisses me back, but then peels me off and sits me at the table. “We’re late.”

We sit and I stare warily at my food. It looks amazing and it smells better, but I find myself dissecting it before I take a bite. When I don’t find any rubber cockroaches, I look up and see Alessandro smirking at me.

“You’re slacking,” I tell him.

He just shrugs and takes a bite.

“I don’t know how you managed to talk me into this,” I lament over my breakfast, which tastes as good as it smells, but it’s a lie. I do know how he talked me into this. He snuck it in while I was feeling all drowsy and sated, basking in post-coital bliss, when he knew I didn’t have the presence of mind to know what I was agreeing to.

The bastard.

“It’s for the kids, Hilary,” he says, catching my glower. “You’ll be amazed how good it feels to know you’re giving them the courage to dream.”

“They’re going to hate me,” I mutter as he reaches for my hand.

“They’re going to love you.” His lips brush my cheek. “Just like I do.”

We’ve both spent some time with the counselor who volunteers at the youth center, and I’ve made some pretty good progress at learning to trust, but I still can’t get used to hearing him tell me he loves me. And I haven’t been able to say it back yet. I’m still afraid of Alessandro leaving. I know there will come a time that he’ll have to go back to Corsica for his grandparents. But, as much as it scares me, I’m beginning to trust that, if he leaves, he’ll come back. It’s a pretty huge leap of faith for me, but he’s worth it.

We clean up after breakfast, then he tows me toward the door. I look for my jacket before remembering that I didn’t bring one. There’s a little pang of disappointment when I realize I’m going to miss having Alessandro help me on with it.

We step outside and I close my eyes and breathe in the fresh air. Only in spring does New York smell like this. It makes me feel hopeful, like everything’s starting over fresh, and we can make it whatever we want it to be.

When we emerge from the subway twenty minutes later, and start walking toward the youth center, I’ve decided that no one’s really going to want to sing. I mean, kids like video games where peoples’ heads blow up and spray the screen with blood and gray chunks. Compared to that, how boring is it to stand around a karaoke machine singing?

We walk into the youth center and there’s a group of teenagers shooting hoops on the half court. One of them, a Latino boy who’s probably around fifteen, looks up and whistles through his teeth.

“Padre! That’s a mighty prime piece on your arm,” he says, making an obscene gesture near his crotch with his hand.

“Watch yourself, Christian,” Alessandro warns, placing his hand on my back and guiding me past.

“I’m watching something else right now,” he says with a shit-eating grin, his eyes glued to my ass as we walk by.

The girl next to Christian steals the ball from his hands, shooting it at the hoop and catching nothing but net. She shoves him and says something in Spanish that sounds an awful lot like trash talk.

I like her.

“Why did he call you Padre?” I ask once we’re past them.

“It’s just a nickname I picked up.” He waves a hand at the group of boys at the free weights that we’re approaching. “Alex thought my accent sounded Spanish and started calling me that, and it stuck.”

“But you’re not a priest.”

“I work for the Church.” He shrugs. “To them it’s all the same.”

As we pass, one of the boys on the free weights, a buff black kid with ink up his right arm that I recognize as the kid Alessandro was boxing with last time I was here, knuckle bumps Alessandro and grins.

“Alex,” Alessandro says.

“Looking good, Padre,” he tells Alessandro, but his eyes are on me. Or more accurately, my chest.

“I’ll see you in the ring once I get Ms. McIntyre situated.”

“I’ll situate her,” Alex mutters with a grin.

Alessandro gives him the eye and ushers me past.

“I’m taking you down today, Padre!” he calls to Alessandro’s back.

“Not if you don’t keep your feet moving,” Alessandro jabs without turning around.

“Horny, aren’t they?” I mutter, turning back to see him following me with his eyes.

“Grown men lose their capacity for rational thought around you, Hilary,” he says low in my ear, gliding a finger down the inside of my upper arm and sending goose bumps skittering over my skin. “What else would you expect from hormone-driven teens?”

He guides me past the small boxing ring, with punching bags hanging from stands behind it, to a glass door in a wall of windows in the back of the gym. He pushes it open and we step through into a small room with a round table and several chairs. On the table is a karaoke machine.

“The rental place guaranteed me it’s loaded with a variety of music,” he tells me. “Everything from Rolling Stones to Beyonce to Broadway.” His eyes spark as he says Beyonce’s name. I wasn’t sure if he remembered, but it’s clear from that look that he does.

“I told you,” I say, looking around the empty room. “No one’s going to want to do this.”

He leans close and I think he’s going to kiss me, but instead he says, “There are still a few minutes, Hilary. I guarantee you there will be interest.”

A little part of me hopes he’s wrong. But a little part of me also hopes he’s right. I don’t really have anything to teach them, but if there are kids who want to sing, I think that would be totally cool.

He moves to the table. “I’m honestly not sure how this thing works,” he says, looking over the karaoke machine, “but one of the kids will be able to help you with it, I’m sure.”

I push the power button and the display screen lights up. “I’ve got it.”

He nods and just looks at me for a second before hiking his duffel higher on his shoulder and backing toward the door. “I’ll leave you to it, then.”

He turns and I watch him through the glass wall as he disappears into the boys’ locker room.

A wiry Latino boy comes in the side door of the gym with his head down and his hands dug deep in his pockets. He slouches toward me and I brace myself for the hormone fest, but he looks up a little shyly at me as approaches my glass room. Christian catcalls him from the half court and he hesitates at the door, looking like he’s thinking of turning back, but then he steps through. “Is this for the singing?” he asks without looking at me.

“Yeah,” I say. “I’m Hilary. What’s your name?”

“Tony.” He glances up from under long dark lashes, then his eyes flick to the machine. “What you got on that thing?”

I shrug. “Go check it out.”

He saunters past me and pulls up the menu on the machine as three younger girls make their way across the gym. “I remember you from American Idol,” the short, blond one tells me with wide, amazed eyes as they step into the room. A round, dark-haired girl next to her nods.

The taller Latina girl looks me over skeptically. “Padre says you’re in a Broadway show.”

“Off-Broadway,” I clarify.

“Which one?” she asks.

“It’s called Don’t Look Back and it opens in a few weeks.”

“What’s it about?”

It’s about two sisters who go through a bunch of sh—” Damn, I have to be careful. “ . . . who go through a really hard time with some things that happen to them.”

Her gaze grows more skeptical. “Are you one of the sisters?”

“I am,” I say as a shivery rush courses through me. I still have to pinch myself sometimes.

Working in the theater is different than I thought it would be—which really means it’s no different at all. It wasn’t some big transformation, like the caterpillar turning into the butterfly or anything. I guess when it happened to Brett, I was just so in awe that it looked that way to me. But I’m no different. I’m just me . . . except maybe stronger.

The girls file into the room and head for the karaoke machine as another boy and girl arrive. They join the others at the machine and, as I move to the door to close it so no one will feel embarrassed, I look out into the gym and see Alessandro just emerging from the locker room in a snug gray T-shirt and black athletic shorts, with a towel slung over his shoulder. He loops the towel over the ropes of the boxing ring and takes a jogging lap around the gym before stopping at the ring again and stretching.

“Are we gonna use the mic?” the blond girl asks from behind me, shaking me out of my I-can’t-believe-that-gorgeous-hunk-of-man-flesh-is-mine daze.

I suck the drool off my bottom lip and close the door, then turn back to find the group staring at me. “This is a small room, so you can use it if you want, but I don’t think we need it.”

The kids start choosing their songs and the three girls who came together decide to sing a Taylor Swift song I recognize but don’t really know. One of them, the Latina girl, has potential. The others are just sort of screeching.

Through the window beyond them, Alessandro has boxing gloves on and he’s working a punching bag. He’s pulled off his shirt, and the sight of his rippling muscles sends the muscles in my groin rippling. I force my eyes back to the girls as they finish and work really hard not to stare out the window as Alessandro climbs into the ring with Alex.

The girls each do something solo, then the other girl, who showed up with the boy who it turns out is her brother, takes her turn. They all pick the more current hop-hop stuff that’s on the machine. Her brother comes up next and raps something I’ve never heard before. Then Tony gets his turn. When the music he chose starts and the first piano chords of “Suddenly” from the Les Misérables movie flow from the karaoke machine, I’m sure he must have pushed the wrong button. But then he begins singing . . . and my jaw hits the table. His voice is rich and pure and nothing like I would have expected from a wiry, shy sixteen-year-old kid. Just listening to him sends goose bumps rippling over my skin.

The other kids are whispering to each other and snickering, and I so want to yell at them to shut up, but instead, I lift my palm in warning when the blond girl looks at me, and she shushes the others. Tony, thankfully, isn’t looking at them. His head is tipped down slightly and his eyes are closed. When he finishes, he opens them and goes back to his chair and sits as if he didn’t just rock my world.

“That was amazing, Tony,” I tell him and Rapper Boy snickers again. I look at the group. “How many of you are in junior high?”

The three Taylor Swift girls raise their hands.

“Excellent. And high school?”

The others either raise their hands or, in Tony’s case, I get a shrug and a glance.

“Are you guys involved in music programs at your schools?”

I get a few mumbled yeahs.

“Great. Most schools still have at least a choral program, and many have drama, so if you wanted to do musicals, that’s a good place to start,” I say, looking straight at Tony. “There are also community drama programs outside of school.”

That catches Tony’s interest and he glances up at me, but then drops his gaze again when he sees me looking.

“If you’re thinking you want a career in music, there are lots of options,” I continue. “You could always try to find a job teaching music, or if you wanted to sing in the theater, there’s Broadway here, but there are also theater communities all over the country if you wanted to live somewhere other than New York. There are a hundred ways to make music a part of your life. You can write music or perform it, you can sing in open mics, community groups, or churches,” I say, gesturing out the window at the gym . . . not that this is a church, really. “Or you can . . .” but I trail off as my eyes catch on Alessandro again, in the ring. He’s sparring with Alex and the sheen of sweat over his chest and abs, the ripple of his taut muscles, the way he moves . . . it’s just so . . . yummy. “ . . . you can sing in the subway,” I mutter mindlessly.

There’s a snicker. I pull my eyes away from Alessandro and find the group grinning at me. I clear my throat. “So . . . how many of you think you might want a career in music?”

All four girls raise their hands while Rapper Boy sneers and jabs his sister and Tony fidgets in his chair. He glances up at me and I give him a tiny nod.

“If you guys want to choose another song, go for it,” I tell them, and the three girls leap out of their seats and pounce on the machine. For the next hour, I listen and give whatever pointers I picked up while training for Idol. I can’t help my eyes flicking toward Alessandro, though, and something kicks in my gut when I see Marie standing at the side of the ring, watching. The dance girls in their tights and leotards are starting to set up the half court, carrying the dance bar onto the court from against the wall. Alessandro and Alex finish up in the ring and Alessandro pulls off his headgear and gloves, then towels off all that sweat that I really wanted to lick. Once his shirt is on, he combs a hand through his gorgeous hair and ducks between the ropes to where Marie is waiting. She presses up onto her tiptoes, and he smiles as he leans down and kisses her.

Chapter Thirty

IT’S ONLY A peck on the cheek, but it makes me want to do things to her, even though Alessandro insists they were never serious, and he broke it off with her the first night we were together. They talk for a few minutes, then Alessandro says something with a gesture at the window of my room. They both turn to look, and that’s when I realize I’m standing with my palms pressed against the glass, watching, as if I’m trapped in some giant terrarium or something.

I spin quickly away as Rapper Boy finishes whatever it was that he was doing and force myself to relax. Just because they dated doesn’t mean there’s anything between them still. And, as I think it, a wave of calm hits me and I realize I trust him. I trust Alessandro. I trusted him once before and he broke my heart. Even though I think I’ve always known it wasn’t his fault, I’ve still blamed him. But I don’t anymore. I’ve forgiven him.

“Great. That was great,” I tell Rapper Boy. I swallow and look at Tony. “Are you going to take another turn?”

He shakes his head without looking up.

“Okay.” My eyes scan the group. “Well, thanks for coming, I guess. I hope you guys had fun.”

“Are you going to do this again?” the blond girl asks.

I shrug. “If Alessandro sets it up.”

“Alessandro?” the Latina girl asks.

“Padre,” I say, glancing out to where he’s working with the boys at the free weights.

The three girls bolt out the door to where he is, while the brother-sister leave without a word.

“Tony. Hold up,” I say as he slouches past. “Have you seen Les Misérables?”

“My grandma has the DVD,” he says, looking at the floor between us and shoving his hands in his pockets.

“You like it?”

He just stares at the floor and nods.

“I wasn’t joking,” I tell him. “Your voice is amazing. Have you taken lessons?”

He shakes his head.

“Have you done any plays or acting? At school, maybe?”

He shakes his head again.

“You should. I could help you find a community theater group if that’s something you want to try.”

“How much does it cost?” he asks, finally opening his mouth.

“It depends. Most of them are free to participate in, but if there was a costume fee or something, maybe the church could help you. I’ll talk to Padre.”

“Okay,” he says and I feel suddenly hopeful. He’s so shy that the stage thing might be hard for him. But it might also really help him—draw him out of his shell and make him see how good he really is.

He hangs his head and shuffles out through the side door he came through as Christian catcalls him again from the free weighs.

I scowl at Christian and he smirks back as I make my way to Alessandro.

“You have a fan club,” he says with a glance at the three girls, who are skirting the half court past the dance class that’s just starting.

I feel my face scrunch. “Really? They didn’t seem to like me much.”

He smiles. “They’re demanding that you come back.”

“What do you know about Tony?” I ask.

“I’m glad he came. He’s a really good kid, but he lives with his grandparents. They do what they can for him but they don’t have a lot of money.”

“He’s got an amazing voice. He needs to do something with it. I want to help him find a community theater company.”

“I think that’s a wonderful idea.” For a second he looks like he wants to kiss me, and I lean in just a little, but then he loops his towel around his neck. “I just have some scheduling I need to work out for next week and then I’m finished here. Are you free this afternoon?”

“Yeah. We’re dark tonight.” It’s a little bit of a stretch. We haven’t officially opened yet, so “dark” just means we don’t have rehearsal, but a little rush zings through me at being able to say that. We’re dark tonight. We. As in: me and the rest of the cast. Our director is a hard-ass, but in a good way. She expects perfection. Preview performances start next week and she’s been riding us pretty hard, but tonight, we’re off.

I step closer to Alessandro and . . . mmm. The smell of his sweat is making things happen between my legs. I want to lick him in the worse possible way.

“Hilary,” he warns, his voice low.

I open my eyes—I didn’t realize I’d closed them—and I’m inches from the crook of his neck. I inhale his scent deeply, then back away. “So . . . were you wanting to do something?” Me, please. Say you want to do me. “This afternoon?”

He smiles, slow and easy. “There’s something I want to show you.”

“When?” Say now. Please say now.

“As soon as I get cleaned up,” he says, plucking at his T-shirt. And I totally want to suck the sweat off that shirt.

“I’ll be waiting . . . unless . . .” I flick a glance around at the kids, then lean closer. “Unless you need help in the shower,” I say low in his ear.

A smile twitches his lips. “As appealing as that sounds, there are likely children in the boys’ locker room.” His hand slides up from my waist and his finger traces the curve of my breast stealthily as he turns away. “But hold that thought.” He says it all cocky, without looking back, and the tingle between my legs spreads.

AN HOUR LATER, we’re waiting for the Roosevelt Island tram.

“Are we on repeats now?” I ask. “We can’t have run out of things to do yet.” Until my rehearsals cut into our Thursdays, we’d gone to watch the David Letterman Show at the Ed Sullivan Theater, walked the High Line, taken trapeze lessons on Pier 40 (which was where we were headed the day I, stupidly, told him I couldn’t see him anymore), and wandered parks we’d never been to before. And, yes, we also went to the Empire State Building.

Maybe the Statue of Liberty for his birthday tomorrow? It’s the only thing I can think of that we haven’t done. But that feels sort of lame.

He smiles. “There’s something we missed last time.”

We find seats at the back of the tramcar and I nuzzle his neck as we rise out of the city. “I was really hoping for some alone time,” I whisper. “You know you get me all hot when you box.”

A cocky smile pulls at his mouth and it makes me ache harder. But he doesn’t say anything.

He takes my hand and we flood out of the tram with the herd and walk up the main street.

“This is a nice place,” he says.

I look around at the condos and apartments with all the green around them. “Yeah. Quiet.”

He starts up the walk toward one of the condo buildings. “Peaceful,” he agrees, fishing something out of his pocket.

“Where are we going?” I ask, squinting at the building and then at him as he pulls out a key.

“In,” he says, shooting me a grin. He slides the key into the lock and holds the door for me.

I step through, feeling suddenly disoriented. “What’s going on?”

He presses the elevator button, then pulls me into his arms and kisses me. And that’s all the answer I get. The elevator comes and he escorts me inside, then presses 9. When the doors open again, he directs me to the end of the hallway and slips his key into the lock of a door there. Number 904.

The door opens into a big, bright, open room with plush white carpet, and a large kitchen off to the left. But what’s right in front of me is Manhattan. This is obviously a corner apartment, because two full walls of the main room are glass. One looks across the East River at the Upper East Side. The other wall of glass looks south, toward the tram and the Queensboro Bridge.

“Wow . . .” It’s the only coherent thought my mind can form. I pull my eyes away from the breathtaking view and squint at Alessandro. “Whose place is this?”

He looks at me for a heartbeat, as though he’s trying to gauge my reaction. “Mine.”

It takes me a second to absorb that. “Oh my God.”

He reaches for my hand and gives it a gentle tug, coaxing me through the door. I step deeper into the room and look around. “This is amazing. How can you afford this? Rents here have to be crazy.”

“I bought it. The victims of the 9/11 attacks were compensated well. I’m choosing to invest it in a little piece of New York.”

The bottom drops out of my stomach. “Holy shit. You’re rich?” I knew his studio in the West Village couldn’t be cheap, but . . . “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

He turns one arm out in an almost shrug. “There’s really nothing to say. The first I knew of the money was when my mother signed all of her accounts over to me just before I came back to New York. I tried to give it to my grandparents in Corsica, but they refused to take it. I’m investing it until my mother has need of it.”

I move to the sliding glass door to the balcony that looks across the river toward the Upper East Side. It’s sunset over the city, the sky streaked with crimson, gold, and gray. “This is incredible.”

He steps up behind me and slips his arms around my waist. “You are incredible.”

I turn in his arms and the smolder in his gaze goes right to my groin. He looks a little dangerous when he wants sex, like a starving wolf.

In one beat of my racing heart he has me pressed between his hard body and the window. And he is starving, because his kiss devours me. His mouth moves hungrily on mine, his teeth nipping my lips and his tongue tasting every part of my mouth.

An intense sex rush ripples through me. This is a different Alessandro. A bolder one. I like him. A lot.

His fingers slip behind my neck and find the tie of my dress. He pulls it loose and backs away just long enough to let it slide off my body into a puddle at my feet, leaving me standing here on display for all of Upper Manhattan in nothing but a white lace thong and heels.

But the thong doesn’t last long.

His touch sets every inch of me ablaze as his fingertips slowly trace the lines of my body, over my neck, my shoulders, my breasts, along the curve of my ass and under the elastic of my thong. He teases me, his fingers caressing lower, but not as low as I want them. Finally, I can’t stand it anymore. I grab his wrist and push his hand between my legs. He chuckles, but gives me what I want, stroking my sensitive spot on his way deeper. His fingers plunge inside of me and come out slick. He teases the bundle of nerves between my legs again, and I gasp as my whole body turns electric and convulses. His hand glides out from between my legs and he brings it to his mouth, slipping his long fingers between those irresistible lips.

“I’m going to eat you alive,” he growls.

And suddenly there’s no air.

He eases my thong over my hips and lowers me to the carpet, and the next second his mouth is on me, sucking, licking, his tongue plunging inside me. I fist my hands in his hair and pant with the rhythm of his tongue as he teases me into a total sexual frenzy.

“God!” I pant, right on the edge. But I fight it. I don’t want to come this fast. I want more of this. I never want him to stop.

But I can’t contain the beast. It claws its way out of me and I cry out with the body-wrenching ecstasy as I convulse with my release.

He slides up my body as I catch my breath, his lips and teeth nipping and grazing over every inch of me. His tongue darts into my belly button and he licks his way up to my breasts, where he gives suck, forcing a low moan up my throat. He wasn’t kidding when he said he was going to eat me alive. When he reaches my mouth he kisses me deeply, and the taste of my arousal on his lips and tongue starts a tingle in my groin again.

Sex with Alessandro has always been amazing, but since the day he came back, it’s been earth-shattering. Something beyond words happens when Alessandro and I are together. It’s like what we’re doing is too big to contain on Earth, so we have to take it to the stars. He takes me there and rocks my world as we’re soaring over it.

I think it’s because I love him. Now I just need to let go of that last shred of fear and tell him.

I’m a wet noodle of contentment, and yet, as his kiss deepens, I know I want more. My hand slips to the fly of his jeans and I drag it down as he pulls a condom from his pocket. He kneels beside me, fixing it in place, then pulls me astride his lap. I lift my hips, and lower myself slowly onto him, and moan as he starts to rock against me, feeling him so deep inside me as my weight settles onto him that it truly feels like we’re blending into one. I work the buttons of his shirt and let it fall open because I want to see that spectacular body. I want to watch his ripped pecs and abs ripple as he moves under me.

His lips and tongue graze the butterflies at my collarbone as one hand massages my breast and the other grips my hip, guiding me up and down his length. I run my fingers down the front of him, feeling taut muscles under my hands with each roll of his hips.

How can any one man be all this?

His mouth finds mine as he thrusts harder, and he teases my nipple between his finger and thumb, bringing me back up onto the cliff that I just plummeted off of not ten minutes ago.

It’s like lightning under my skin. Sensory overload. My mind short-circuits as I become pure sensation. I feel everything so intensely, as if I’m electrified—fully charged and ready to detonate.

I arch into his body and cry out, once, twice, three times with his thrusts as I explode all around him. He pulls me tight against him and holds me here as we both come.

This is heaven.

When I can move again, I literally pinch myself. I have to know this is real, because never, even in my fantasies, did I think it could be like this.

Chapter Thirty-One

I WAKE HOURS later, still on the floor, deliciously sore. But it takes me only a second to realize I’m alone. I pull myself up to a sitting position and look around for Alessandro. I find him on the balcony. He’s in only his jeans, leaning his elbows on the rail, the city lights laid out in front of him.

I slip my dress on, and when I slide the glass door open, the cool air sends a shiver over me. “Hey. What are you doing out here?”

He turns to face me. “Thinking.”

“About?”

He draws me into his arms and kisses me. “The past, the future, and everything in between.” He takes my hand, leading me through the living room to a bedroom . . . in which I find a queen-sized bed with four pillows under a white duvet—the only furniture in the place. Above it, framed on the wall, is his print of Salomé.

“There’s a bed?” I mutter.

“You distracted me before I could get you this far.” He nuzzles into my neck from behind, his fingers brushing up my back to the tie of my dress, which he undoes. It drops to the floor at my feet. He kisses the sensitive spot below my ear, then steps back and slides off his jeans. He flicks off the light, then guides me to the bed, where we climb between cool sheets that are so soft they must have some insane thread count. I curl into Alessandro and realize it’s been over a month since we’ve talked about Lorenzo, or the group home or anything else from back then. I can’t even remember the last time I saw that tortured look in his eye. The guilt is gone and he finally seems free.

I smile against his chest.

He must feel it, because he kisses the crown of my hair. “What has you so happy?”

“Would you ever have imagined back then that we’d end up like this?”

He cups my cheek and lifts my face so those beautiful eyes are gazing down into mine. “I imagined it every day.”

I kiss him with everything that I have, because I don’t know how else to show him how deep his words touch me, and when he rolls on top of me, I give him every part of me: my body, my heart, and my soul.

“I love you,” I whisper, low in his ear.

He buries his face into my neck, and I feel his shaky breath against my skin. He makes love to me so slowly and thoroughly that it breaks me open and I spill right into him.

I DON’T REMEMBER falling asleep, but I wake in Alessandro’s bed. When I open my eyes, the room is bright, and so are Alessandro’s eyes as he gazes down at me. He’s sitting up, leaning against the headboard in a pool of sheets. He’s got the real-estate magazine that I saw on the kitchen counter when we came in propped on one bent knee and he’s writing something in it.

“Hey,” I croak. “Happy birthday.”

“Good morning,” he says, gliding a fingertip down the length of my nose.

I shift up and kiss him. I mean for it to be a quick peck, seeing as I have morning breath and all, but he glides his hand around the nape of my neck and holds my lips to his, deepening our kiss.

Finally, he pulls away, his gaze locking with mine. “I want to wake up to this face every morning,” he purrs.

I brush my lips over his jawline and look down at the magazine on his knee. “Oh my God,” I say when I see that he’s not writing something. On the back of a real estate flyer, he’s sketching something.

Me.

I’m sleeping, an arm flung over my head, my fingers curled into my wild afro and the sheets tangled over my breasts, one dark nipple just peaking out. And I’m beautiful in a way I never could be in real life. I look almost angelic.

He turns the sketch for me to see. “I was inspired.”

“It’s beautiful,” I say gliding a finger over the lines of my naked shoulder and the tiny butterflies there.

“Not nearly as beautiful as the real thing.”

My eyes flick to him. “I don’t look like this.”

He shakes his head. “No, you don’t. I’m not nearly talented enough to capture your true beauty.”

I feel myself cringe. I have an unusual face, but I’ve never been beautiful.

His fingers caress my cheek and I lift my eyes to his. “You are beautiful, Hilary,” he says as if he read my mind. “One of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen a lot of beautiful things.” He leans in and kisses the cringe off my mouth. His mouth leaves mine and his lips brush over my cheek to my ear. “Live here with me.”

My brain short-circuits. I can’t have heard what I think I heard.

“Please,” he says when I don’t answer, pulling back and tracing my eyebrow with his fingertip. “I think about you all day and I dream about you all night. I want your days and I want your nights. I want all of you.”

“But this . . .” I wave a hand at the window. “I can’t afford this.”

He sets his sketch aside and slides lower in the bed, bringing me with him. He props himself on an elbow above me. “I can, and I want to live with you and love you right here. And when Henri is ready for the truth, I want to be able to tell him that we love him and each other. I want him to feel like we’re all part of the same big family, and that he never has to choose between us and Mallory . . . or between you and me. And when you’re ready, I want him to have more sisters and brothers.”

My heart pounds in my throat. He’s not just talking about moving in together. He’s talking about much, much more.

“You know I come with a butt-ugly coffee table, right?” It’s all I can think to say.

He laughs, then leans down and presses a kiss to the corner of my mouth. “I take your coffee table to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, until death do us part.”

Oh my God. I prop myself on an elbow and scowl down at him. “Did you just marry my coffee table?”

His eyes burn into mine as he bites a corner of his lower lip. “What would your coffee table say if I asked it?”

It takes me a second to catch what he’s saying, and my heart shoots into overdrive. “Asked it to marry you?”

He nods slowly, but now his expression is dead serious.

“It would have to think about it,” I answer warily.

He tucks an arm behind his head and leans back into the pillows. “It probably thinks it’s too soon.”

I roll onto my stomach and lay my head on his chest. His heartbeat is slow and sure and I feel mine begin to slow, synching with his. He’s always been able to do this for me. When we were kids. Now. It’s like he’s the key to my soul. “There are some things you need to understand about my coffee table if this is going to work.”

“Such as?” he asks, combing his fingers through my crazy kinks.

“My coffee table has been scared for a long time. It’s put up a lot of walls to protect itself from getting hurt.”

His hand continues through my hair at a slow, soothing rhythm. “I can understand why.”

“So, if you’re going to be with my coffee table, you’re going to have to understand that, even though its walls are coming down, there’s probably still some debris, and it might take a while to clean it all up.”

He slides down and rolls on his side, so we’re face to face. “I promise to be very patient with your coffee table.”

“And you have to always be up front with it, because my coffee table has a built-in bullshit detector.”

He kisses my cheek, soft like butterfly wings. “From here on out, I will endeavor to always be totally honest with your coffee table.”

“My coffee table isn’t great at being told what to do, so don’t think you get to be the boss of it or anything.”

He kisses my nose and my heart flutters out of rhythm. “I would never dream of trying to tell your coffee table what to do.”

I trail a finger from the dimple at the tip of his chin, over his Adam’s apple, down his chest, and hesitate at his belly button. I’ve always been comfortable physically with guys, but I’ve never been able to open up emotionally. I thought showing emotion made me weak. And as I think about it, I realize that’s my whole commitment issue. I was terrified to let anyone close enough to find out who I really was. I was sure once they knew how scared and insecure and broken I was deep inside, they’d think I was pathetic. But Alessandro knows me, maybe better than I know myself, and he doesn’t think I’m pathetic. He sees me as strong, which makes me feel strong. “So, my coffee table’s thought about it.”

He arches an eyebrow. “And?”

I glide my finger down his happy trail to the prize. “It thinks it might be able to be happy here.”

The slow smile that curves his perfect lips is so goddamn sexy as he lays me back and rolls on top of me. “I will do everything in my power to make your coffee table happy for the rest of its days.”

I wrap my legs around him and run my fingertips over his back, feeling goose bumps pebble his flawless skin. “I know how you can make it happy right now.”

His kiss is slow and sure—a true soul kiss—and in it, I know I’ve finally found home.

He moans low in his chest and I pull him closer. My body sings when he sinks himself deep inside me.

“So I guess you get me for your birthday,” I say as I start to move under him.

He smiles and kisses me again, and as we begin our climb toward the stars, I picture butterflies spiraling up, up, up the three tiers of a white wedding cake, to where a pair of cockroaches sits on top.

About the Author

LISA DESROCHERS is the author of A Little Too Far and the young adult Personal Demons trilogy. She lives in Northern California with her husband, two very busy daughters, and Shini the tarantula.

Find her online at www.lisadwrites.com, on Twitter at @LisaDez and on Facebook at www.facebook.com/lisadwrites.

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By Lisa Desrochers

A Little Too Much

A Little Too Far

Coming Soon

A Little Too Hot

Content

A Little Too Much
A Little Too Far - 2
by
Lisa Desrochers

Acknowledgments

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Five

Chapter Twenty-Six

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chapter Thirty

Chapter Thirty-One

About the Author

By Lisa Desrochers