If Only We

by

Jessica Sankiewicz

To everyone who needs a second chance.

Chapter One

Saturday afternoon, August 22nd

I never imagined a day when I wouldn’t want the sun to shine. One of the best things about summer is the sunshine; its warmth and the light it casts late into the evenings. It beats the chill and shorter days of the winter. Today is different. Today isn’t just another summer day.

Today I am heading to the cemetery.

I flip the dial on my car radio to find something to listen to on the way. I hate driving without something playing. Nothing comes on that is appropriate. No music sounds good right now, so I just turn it off. I wish something would feel good and distract me from the already awful day I’m having.

Since I got in late last night, I didn't speak to my mom until this morning. I should have just skipped breakfast and avoided the kitchen entirely.

When I sat down, she said, “Based on what Lyndsay has told me, River's Bend would be a great place to work.”

I tried to not openly flinch but it was impossible. Not only impossible to not do, but also impossible for my mom to not notice.

“What was that for? It's not my fault you missed out on that opportunity because you ran off to your father's.”

“I'll be going to school on Monday. I'm still going to be a nurse. You should be happy.”

“I am happy that you will be a nurse.”

I sighed. “Then why is it such a big deal that I didn't volunteer this summer? It's not like that one thing makes a difference in the long run.”

“It shows how dedicated you are in carrying out family tradition.”

Instead of rehashing the same conversations I had with her all summer, I stood up and left the house without another word.

I pull into the drive for the cemetery and park under the shade of a maple tree. I sit there with one hand on the wheel and the other on the key in the ignition. It’s time. Time to get out of the car.

It's time for me to face him.

Why am I hesitating? I knew this day was coming. I knew I would see Chevy again. It’s not just seeing him, it’s the circumstances. I haven’t had anyone remotely close to me die before now. Though I didn’t know his father, I know Chevy, and Chevy needs me.

After a deep breath, I get out of the car. The heat beats down on me twice as much in my black dress. The sleeves are longer, going down to my elbows. It seemed more appropriate than the sleeveless one. I stand there a moment to figure out which direction to go and finally settle on the center path.

I would have been here for the funeral yesterday if I hadn’t taken my car in to get the air-conditioning fixed. My dad is on call a lot, since he’s a surgeon at a prestigious Cincinnati hospital. He can’t leave town at the drop of a hat, even if it is to take his daughter to a funeral. I wasn't able to find anyone else to drive down to pick me up, not even my mom.

I should have called Chevy. Why didn’t I call him? Not only did I not call him when I heard about his father, I didn’t call him once the whole time I was away. I kept thinking about the reason I left to begin with. I couldn’t pick up the phone because I couldn’t tell him the reason.

Because the reason was him.

Right when the pangs of guilt spin through me, I spot him in the distance. I stop dead in my tracks and my heart races at the sight of him. I want to turn around but I can’t. I've come this far; he needs to know I’m here.

Stepping warily in his direction, the suspense builds inside of me. Will he appreciate that I’m here? As much as I want to know, I'm more worried about his reaction. He's wearing a black blazer over a white button-down and black slacks. Judging by the wrinkles, I would be willing to bet he slept in the clothes he wore yesterday.

Before I can get a read on his face, he notices me. The instant our eyes connect, I am immobilized. I didn't prepare myself for how I would react to seeing him again. He stares blankly at me, as if to figure out what is going on. Then his expression changes.

“What are you doing here?” he asks indifferently, turning his attention back to the grave. The sound of his voice sends a shiver through my whole body. It's the first time I've heard it since that day.

I say softly, “I came here for you.” I stay silent awaiting his response, but there is none, not even a flinch. Taking a deep breath, I continue. “I'm so sorry about your father, Chevy.”

He stands there for a moment. In the same tone as before he says, “Yeah, everyone is sorry. I’ve heard that all week.”

He’s right. When a person loses their father, especially so suddenly, the pity is endless. He's probably been hearing a mixture of the same words repeatedly. My words were unoriginal. It's the customary response given by the general population in these circumstances. However, it doesn’t change the fact that it was a true statement. “I know you have, but it doesn’t mean that I’m not sorry. I am.”

“Well, I’m not,” he says, turning his head sharply in my direction. I recoil at the sudden change in his demeanor. “He did this to himself.” He pauses as he looks off in the distance. A soft breeze ruffles his light brown hair. He adds quietly, “He left me all alone.”

“You're not alone.”

“Yes, I am.”

“No, you're not.” I step forward. “I’m here for you.”

“No, you’re not!” He looks at me with wounded eyes. “Where have you been all summer? Not ‘here for me.’”

Cringing at the disdain in his voice, my eyes start to water. “I’m sorry I wasn't here this summer but I’m here now.”

“Why did you leave anyway?” His blue eyes stare intently into mine, attempting to ascertain the answer in them. “What made you leave without saying goodbye? Huh, Adrienne?”

The way he says my name is cutting. As if it's a bad taste in his mouth. I press my lips together to fight away the tears. “I just needed to go. I needed to-to be somewhere else for a while. To have a change of-of scenery.” The way I stumble over my words makes it clear I have no idea what I'm doing, either now or then.

“Change of scenery?” he scoffs. “I tried to call you. I tried to text you. I tried to email you. You didn’t respond. Why? Why did you avoid me?” He comes closer with each word, stopping within arm's length of me.

I swallow the lump forming in my throat, knowing I can’t keep the truth from him any longer. It's time to come clean. “I was angry.”

This isn't what he was expecting. “Angry? What made you angry?”

Looking down, I whisper, “I was mad at you.”

“Why would you be mad at me?”

His confusion is apparent, as I expected it would be. I wish I hadn’t brought it up. I shake my head. “It isn’t important anymore.”

“Of course it’s important!” he snaps. “I want to know. No, I need to know. Tell me.”

“I can’t. It doesn’t matter anymore. None of it matters anymore.”

“Yes it does.”

In his eyes, there is a genuine interest in the reason. As much as I want to keep it from him, I am afraid there's no turning back now. “Because,” I start, struggling with how to tell him. “Because of what you said to me at graduation.”

The hope of him understanding with no further explanation vanishes when he asks, “What did I say to you at graduation?”

“You rejected me.”

He thinks for a moment. Then sudden realization of what he said makes him wide-eyed. “I didn't reject you. I just said I wanted to be friends.” Upon hearing that word again, I cringe. He notices my reaction. “Is that why you left?” I bite my lip and look away. “That's ridiculous. There's no way that can be true.”

His refusal not only to believe it but also to acknowledge my feelings infuriates me. “It is true!” I cry, causing him to jump back. “I was pissed off at you for doing that to me. After all we have been through, you tell me no. And why? I have no idea why you wouldn’t be interested in me.”

He is looking at me incredulously, as if seeing me for the first time. He says, “Did I say I wasn’t interested in you?”

“No.”

“Then why did you jump to that conclusion?” Unable to come up with an answer to his question, I stand there staring. He sighs and says, “That’s a line, Adrienne, and you know it. I never said I wasn’t interested. You meant a lot to me. Taking that step with a good friend could compromise the relationship we already had. I didn’t want to damage what we had. You know, ruin the friendship.”

It's all I can do to keep my mouth from dropping. “'Ruin the friendship?'” I repeat slowly. “That's bull. Completely and utterly bull.”

“What do you mean it’s bull?”

“That’s the line! Not the ‘let’s be friends’ thing. When someone says they’re worried a romantic relationship will ruin a friendship, it is one of two things. Either he’s lying to protect the girl’s feelings, or he’s lying to himself. It doesn’t matter which because when those three words come out, the friendship is never the same. It inevitably ruins the friendship.” My hand closes over my mouth but I have already said too much. It’s not like me to blurt out things of that nature. He gapes at me. Some part of what I said struck a chord in him. My heart flutters in anticipation as to which part it was. Somehow, I know that no matter what the answer is, the reality is truly far different.

His face becomes indifferent again. “You’re right.” He glances over at the grave. “Sometimes you can never go back.”

“What are you saying?”

“Maybe we can’t have what we used to have anymore. Some people can move past those moments in time and continue as if nothing ever happened. We didn’t. So,” he says with a shrug, “maybe we weren’t really friends to begin with.”

My heart breaks with how easily he speaks those words. I try to keep my composure as I struggle with what to say. “What? No. That’s simply not true. How can you say we weren’t friends?”

“Because friends talk to each other. Friends stay in touch. Friends don’t run away without a goodbye.” He counts each down on his fingers like a list. “Friends are there for each other.”

“Sometimes even good friends lose touch with each other.” Out of nowhere, I recall something important that might change his mind. “Remember what I talked about at graduation?”

He nods, looking down at his shoes. “Yes, I remember. You said you didn’t want to lose touch with me.”

“I didn’t. And I still don’t.” I want to touch my hand to his arm, reach out to him and draw him back to me.

“Well, you did.” He sighs, shaking his head. His eyes meet mine. “You can’t just erase and rewrite what happened. What’s done is done.”

I blink and swallow. The hand that wanted to touch his arm closes into a fist. “I know, but what about forgiveness?”

He looks over at the line of trees, thinking over what I said. Then he turns to me, and says, “Why should I when you couldn’t forgive me?” The look on his face says it all. Standing before me is a person I care for deeply. I would do anything for him. I would risk everything for him. It doesn’t make a difference. He turns away from me. “Just go.”

My hand absently clutches my heart. My legs can’t move. My tears are near the threshold. I say, “Chevy, please.”

“Just leave, Adrienne. We’re done here.”

Taking a small step back, I take one last look at him. Forlorn. Broken. Hopeless. It takes everything in me to turn and walk away. I don't look back. I can’t look back. This can’t be it; I shouldn’t be walking away from him. He needs me as much as I need him. My mind tosses me a glimpse of what we could have if we were together. Still, I can’t will myself to turn around. Deep down I want to, but I can’t look at him again.

Once I am over the hill and out of his sight, I break into a run and keep running until I reach my car. I get in and drive. I keep driving until I reach the abandoned barn just outside of town. When I park in the overgrown driveway and turn the car off, it happens.

I break down.

The tears drown as the sobs choke. Everything I kept bottled inside comes out in them. Everything from that moment at graduation through the horrible summer up until this moment. Memories tumble over the mess created today. Words left unsaid on top of the words said. They push at me, rip me up, tear me apart. A sharp pain crashes into my heart. It is unbearable. The culmination of the last couple of months collides into my body, taking away my breath. Regaining control will likely continue to elude me until further notice.

Tightening my grip on the steering wheel, I can't believe what I've done. I allowed this to happen when I could have prevented it. Mistake after mistake added up to where I am in this moment. It doesn’t make a difference. That’s what I said to myself back there. It doesn’t make a difference what I did or didn’t do. Turning back the clock wouldn’t change a thing. Part of me doesn’t want to believe it would not make a difference. All it takes is one mistake. That one mistake was my mistake.

That one mistake cost me everything.

Chapter Two

Saturday evening, August 22nd

I remember the first time I saw Chevy.

It was the middle of sophomore year. His family had just moved to Hamilton. News through the grapevine was traveling fast about the new kid. It was hard to decipher with the different impressions everyone had in their encounters with him. Some claimed he was cool, others said he was weird. There was only one thing they all agreed on, and that was that he was gorgeous. The girls were swooning while the boys wanted to punch his lights out for causing the girls to react that way. I never put too much credence into what girls say about boys. Their definition of attractive usually wasn’t relevant since most of the good-looking boys were jerks. Due to this fact, I never wanted to date.

Everything changed the instant he entered my morning study hall. I glanced up from my notebook at the tardy person, irritated. That look was instantly wiped from my face. Standing in the doorway was Chevy Thompson, the new kid. He was gorgeous; I had to admit they got that part right. His hair was a sort of wave coupled with bed-head. He was more dressed up than most boys bother in an argyle dark blue vest over white shirt and khakis.

It was strange but I felt attracted to him. For the first time in my life, I was attracted to a boy and he was a complete stranger.

I learned something in that moment. When you fall in love, the rest of the goings on in the world appear in peripheral. Nothing shakes or disturbs the train of thought. Your smile isn’t thrown on to hide how you really feel. It is how you feel. Happy. Content. As if something has finally gone right in your life and all the suffering up until then had a reason. The reason was him. It was childish of me to fall for somebody when we were not even dating. Yet, who are we to choose the circumstances? Chevy was special. I knew it deep down then, even though I didn’t know all the hows or whys yet.

Mr. Shapiro told him to find an empty seat to study. In a classroom with thirty seats, four of them were empty, including the one next to me. I was still smiling when he made eye contact. He smiled back and sauntered over to that seat. He said, “Hi.” I said, “Hi.” From that day forward, we were friends.

I asked him later why he chose to hang out with me. He said, “You were the first friendly face I encountered.”

The beautiful weather from the afternoon turned into thunderstorms in the evening. Rain continues to pitter-patter on the roof as I lay awake in my bed. Squirming to get comfortable, I glance around my room. A strange feeling comes over me that something isn't right. I grew up in this house—everything in it is as familiar to me as the back of my hand. Somehow, it feels foreign, like I’m at a sleepover in a friend’s house I’ve never been to after dark.

Not that falling asleep was an option after what happened today. I continue replaying the events from earlier over in my mind. The words, his voice, my heart. The day comes together and falls apart in a whirling sequence. I can’t stop it. I can’t change it. It just is.

When did everything go wrong? Maybe if I trace back through my memories I can pinpoint the exact moment. I sift through the day one more time. It was clear from the start he did not intend to make peace with me. I doubt there was a chance to change his mind, no matter how I pleaded with him. Over the summer, I had no contact with him. He attempted to contact me though. Perhaps if I had picked up the phone or replied to an email he wouldn't have been so upset. We could have talked, but he probably would've asked me why I left. And I couldn’t tell him the reason why...

My throat tightens. The reason. That's when everything went wrong. I never would have been gone if not for my pride. That one moment, seemingly harmless in the pursuit of growing up, was the moment my world shifted.

It took me nearly two and a half years to get the courage to talk to him about my feelings for him. There was a possibility the day of graduation was my only chance. I would be seeing him over the summer, and even in the fall. We were both attending colleges nearby. Why did I believe it was my only chance? Earlier in the month, he broke up with his girlfriend, Heidi Kane. Usually after a breakup, it didn’t take him long to find someone else. This time, however, he remained girlfriendless. Not just girlfriendless though. There was a difference in the way he spoke to me. The way he was around me. He made a point to touch me more than normal. A light tap on the shoulder, a slight bump arm to arm walking down the hallway. I felt as though it was possible he was giving me a sign. I had to take the risk. I had to talk to him.

I remember every single excruciating word…

“There’s something I want to talk to you about,” I had said after the ceremony.

His casual demeanor proved he had no idea what was coming. “Sure, what is it?”

My heart was thumping wildly. Taking a deep breath, I recited the speech I'd memorized: “Graduating high school is the last big step before becoming an adult. It's easy to lose track of everyone when we all start to go our separate ways.”

“That's true.” He was nodding in agreement. He couldn’t see where I was going yet. I couldn’t continue with my full speech without wasting time.

Since I couldn’t afford that, I decided to cut ahead to the end. “I don’t want to lose touch with you.”

My heart sank when he replied, “Of course we can stay in touch! You have my number. We can hang out anytime.”

He still didn’t get it. I was nervous to say exactly what needed to be said. “I want to do more than just hang out.” Too ambiguous. He didn’t understand. I finally spelled it out. “I want to go out with you.”

He stared. I held my breath. My heart was anything but silent. It felt as though it was echoing through the room, bouncing off the walls and then fading into the air.

You know those statements, the ones where the person opens with a compliment then follows it up with a harsh truth? They are trying to soften the blow, like it is a kindness of them to do it that way. Say I’m going to trip and fall—while landing on the grass instead of a concrete sidewalk might feel better, the humiliation remains the same.

The moment dragged on for what felt like hours, finally ending with the words I never wanted to hear from him. “Adrienne, I like you, a lot. I really do. But I don’t think it would be a good idea for us to go out.”

Part of me knew. I flew on a high that caused me to forfeit the possibility of anything other than a happy ending. Impossible to imagine any other option except he and I being together. Instead, he crushed my soul with twenty-four words. My heart shattered in a thousand pieces.

A boom of thunder jolts me back to the present. I duck under the covers at the initial shock to my system. Then I reach down to my kitty plush, Coventry, lying on the floor next to my bed. My dad bought him for me when I was little. I spent years holding on to him to help me fall asleep. There was something about a stuffed animal that felt familiar. Knowing he was there was all the comfort a little girl needed to feel safe enough to fall asleep in a room without a night-light.

I need that comfort now.

Mom didn’t talk to me when I came home and I went straight to my room. Kaitlin, my stepsister, didn’t even say hello when she saw me this morning. Maurice, her father, courteously engaged in small talk with me. Yet that didn’t make the welcome back remotely warm. I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out.

But never coming out of a hole will be impossible. I have school—college, actually—on Monday. I remember those days when I looked forward to this day with a gleam in my eye. There is something about it I dread now, although I can’t quite put my finger on it. The only thing I look forward to about college is my best friend Lyndsay.

She is not only my best friend but also my cousin. Since her mom and my mom are sisters, the nurse factor played a role in her life as well. Aunt Faith may have become a nurse but it wasn’t immediate. She got pregnant with Lyndsay right after high school, which ended up putting college on the back burner. Once she was able to, she became a nurse’s aide. My mom thought she could have done better than that. Aunt Faith was fine where she was and didn’t care what my mom thought. This created a little bit of a rift between them, but they have learned to get along for our sake. Mom was slightly vexed at Faith not promoting nursing to Lyndsay, but considered it a victory when she chose to pursue that career after all.

Lyndsay was the only person to comprehend why I ran away. She knew very well how I felt about Chevy. There were some times when I didn’t think she understood, but then she could see my connection to him had significance. Nobody else could see it in him. To the world, he was nonchalant; to me, he was compassionate. To the world, he was the person who would never settle down; to me, he was the opposite when given the chance.

I took that chance.

I needed to throw everything out in the open and let the chips fall where they may. He needed to know how I felt about him. I was never willing to admit it, except to myself. Even Lyndsay didn’t realize the full scope. He was always the boy all the girls were after. The one they all wanted to date. I was optimistic. I thought I had nothing to lose. I thought I knew him. I thought love would conquer.

Those high hopes led to an epic fall.

It's like exposing film to the light. All of the pictures are ruined instantly. Drained of all color, just like my face in that moment. I had just given him my heart. Bared my heart open. Wide open. Let him in. Allowed him to stomp down, shatter, crush, and tear to pieces the last of the love I had to spare in me.

He probably thought he was letting me down easy, leaving me with my dignity. He had good intentions is what they would say. The senseless girl believes he really does want to preserve the friendship. It wasn’t good intentions, or letting me down easy. That is what I told myself.

I knew better.

At least I thought I did. I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe it's possible he wasn't trying to protect me. The hurt in his eyes from earlier flashes back into my mind. The vulnerability. The despair. He claimed we were never friends to begin with but he was lying. He felt something—exactly what it was, I don't know. It's more likely he was protecting himself.

Now I'll never know.

All summer I attempted to push our memories out of my mind and fill the void with anything else. As much as I tried to fight it, to forget him, it was to no avail. The feelings lingered; they were in my heart, just as they are still.

I close my eyes and allow the memories to flood in. The times he made me laugh when I was having a bad day. The time we were making fun of that one substitute teacher who never shaved her legs and wore pantyhose. And all the times we sat side by side passing a notebook discreetly to have a conversation without the librarian knowing. Did it all mean nothing? Was I kidding myself? Did he ever feel it too? Did I really love him or did I only think I loved him? I scan these memories searching for an answer.

What could I have done differently? How different would my life be if I chose another path? From where or which way would things come together? Could I make my family proud? Could I create a path that brings me joy? Could I find a way to make everything right again?

The same words roll over and around in my head, making me dizzy over their continual loop.

What if I…and if he…then we could have…but if only we…

Oh, if only.

I fall asleep that night with a trail of tears sliding down my cheeks.

Chapter Three

Saturday morning, June 2nd

Buzz…buzz… “…that’s what they said anyway. I thought it was a good…” Slam!

My alarm clock is set to a local all-talk-no-music radio station. The annoying sounds before and the talking always get me up in the morning. If there were music playing, I would keep sleeping. Groaning, I stretch out my legs, still aching from the tossing and turning last night. Remembering moment after moment with Chevy, replaying the conversation in the cemetery. My mind refused to let me relax.

A quick glance at the clock tells me it’s eight. Wait. Eight? I do a double take. Sure enough, it’s eight. I could have sworn I set it for nine thirty so I could sleep in a bit. I will myself to sleep in another hour and a half. After fifteen minutes of staring at the ceiling, I sit up and rub my eyes. As strange as it is to be in my room again, it looks almost like I never left.

I stretch and go over to my vanity to brush the tangles out of my auburn hair. When I look in the mirror, I notice something different about my clothes. Hadn't I worn the pink and blue striped tank to bed? Why am I wearing the yellow and gray polka dot one? Rolling my eyes, I have a feeling this summer has warped my thought processes.

I throw on a cardigan and head out my door to grab a bagel for breakfast. Kaitlin’s bedroom is across the hall from mine. Her door is open. What is she doing up so early? She is hardly ever up before I am. I peek in to find it empty. Maybe she is in the kitchen.

Before I walk away, I do a double take. Why is Kaitlin’s room pink? She and my mom painted it while I was gone. It was a pale shade of purple yesterday. That’s weird. I shake my head and go to the kitchen. My mom and Maurice are at the table drinking coffee. Maurice looks up from the paper and says, “Good morning.”

Although the tone in his voice seems more cheerful than it should be, given the circumstances, Maurice can sometimes rise above bad things. It’s probably the pale yellow walls. Yellow just seems to bring about a sunny attitude. My reply is automatic, “Morning.” I pull out a bagel and toss it in the toaster. Deciding to extend an olive branch while I wait, I say, “Morning, Mom.” I sneak a glance in her direction to find her smiling.

Smiling?

“Morning, sweetie,” she says.

Is she...happy?

I hide behind the refrigerator door to get the cream cheese before she can see the bewildered expression on my face. There is no rational explanation for her nice demeanor, but I'm not about to question it for fear of ruining the moment. Just spread the cream cheese on the bagel and eat it. Leaning against the counter, I turn to face her again.

She says, “So, are you ready for today?”

“What’s today?” I ask right before I take a big bite.

She gives me a look of impatience as she walks over, putting her dirty dishes in the sink. “Of course you will be a funny girl today.”

As I absently stare at the back of her head, I see something off. Is her hair shorter? It was closer to her shoulders yesterday...wasn’t it? “Did you get your hair cut?”

“Of course I got my hair cut, you were there, sweetie.”

I was? I shake my head again. “Where’s Kaitlin?”

“Taking a shower.”

Maurice says, “She told me she wanted to watch another episode of your show before we leave but there probably won’t be time.”

“Oh.” Earlier this year, Kaitlin was going through my DVDs and discovered The O.C. Once she started, she was hooked. We started to watch it together, her for the first time and me for probably the seventh time. The last one we watched was episode twelve. We were going to watch the rest of the series over the summer. It didn’t go as planned. She finished it by herself. Did she restart? I finish off breakfast. “Hey, wasn’t her room purple yesterday?” I can still picture the color in my head.

Mom gives me a blank look. “No. It wasn’t.” Shaking her head, she gets out a glass, pours some orange juice, and hands it to me. “Drink up. You don’t want to be low on potassium on your big day when you’re walking across the stage.”

“I could have sworn it was a light purple,” I mutter to myself, taking a sip. Then the rest of what she said hits me. “Big day?”

She sighs. “Stop being silly.” She doesn't like it when I play around. In fact, it irritates her to death since it reminds her too much of my dad. The problem is I’m not playing around. I have no idea what she's talking about. Like I said before, I’m not going to question it. Maybe she will just say it. “It’s your turn to shower so hop to it. I’ll go set your outfit on your bed now that you’re up.” She gives me a kiss on the cheek and smiles. “My little girl’s not so little anymore.” Then she leaves.

I find myself staring into the space she occupied a second ago. Something's not right. She isn’t angry with me for leaving anymore. It isn’t possible for her to have forgiven me overnight. Plus, Kaitlin’s room couldn’t have changed, or my mom’s hair. And since when did she become so sentimental? Big day? A stage? Little girl is not so little anymore? It almost sounds like I am getting married. My head is starting to hurt from all these things that are not right. It is kind of like when you were a kid and they said “one of these things is not like the other”—except everything is not like the one thing.

I put the empty glass into the sink, “hop to it,” and get into the shower. My questions will be answered when I see what outfit she puts on my bed. When I get to my room, I don’t find a wedding dress. Thank goodness. I do find, however, a dress—and a graduation cap and gown.

Graduation.

The day everything changed. The day I ran away to my dad. The day my heart broke.

A wave of nausea crashes into me, almost causing my legs to give out beneath me. I grab hold of my doorway with both hands to keep myself standing. A few deep breaths later and my stomach calms down enough for me to close the door. I lean against it and stare at my bed.

How can I be graduating…again?

I rub my eyes and open them again, hoping it was all in my imagination. No such luck. It is still there. This doesn’t make any sense. Where is my suitcase? It’s not on top of my dresser anymore. I left it there when I got back since I didn’t have enough time to unpack. Where did it go?

Opening my closet door, I spot it on the top shelf. Did my mom unpack it for me? Where are the clothes? There is nothing in the hamper and a quick rummage through my dresser finds some of those shirts clean and folded where they belong. How could…? Mom was at work all day yesterday. Not only that, but I saw the suitcase right before I turned the lights out last night.

My head is starting to pound with all the conflicting information I'm taking in. Sitting down in my desk chair, I put my head in my hands and start to rub my temples. I need to find something that isn’t out of place. My desk appears to be the same as I left it. Pens and pencils neatly placed in holder, check. Pile of loose-leaf college-ruled paper on top of a pile of used notebooks, check. Word-of-the-Day calendar off to the side, check. Calendar set to the correct date…what…? I reach out and grab it. That can’t be right.

Saturday, June second.

It feels as though I can’t blink. I worry that if I do, the date on this page will disappear. I know for a fact that I peeled off every page I hadn’t removed all summer before I went to bed last night. Each one was crumpled into a small ball and thrown away. I set the calendar down and drop to the floor to look through my trash. However, I can’t look through it because it's empty.

Nothing is making any sense.

I graduated already. This has already happened. Or did it? I dismiss that thought with a laugh. The most logical reason for what is happening is that I’m dreaming. I’m reliving this day in my mind because I spent the time while I was falling asleep thinking about it. Maybe my mind is playing a psychological trick on itself to right the wrongs and help me cope. Maybe this is all in my head. Maybe I’m just imagining all of this.

On the other hand, maybe I am just losing it.

But what if…what if this is really happening? What if I am reliving my whole summer? The prospect causes goose bumps to spread over my skin.

Have I been given a second chance?

This can’t be true. Second chances aren't possible. Not second chances of this nature anyway. Maybe a second chance at an audition. Not a second chance to relive a day in your past. People don't relive things in their life. And if that were even possible, why would we be allowed to know it was happening? Shouldn’t it just happen without the person knowing they are reliving a moment in time that has already happened once? All that needs to be done is hit the redo button and everyone has to start over.

And why me? Why would it be me out of all the people in the world? What possible reason would there be for just me to go back? Maybe, because of the disaster I caused, the universe is making me start over. Is it because everything I did wasn’t what was supposed to happen? It's a fact that I did not handle myself the way a person of sound mind would. I hurt the most important people in my life. But me? What happened the first time that wasn’t meant to take place?

What do I know? My mom was upset with me because I moved away and didn’t volunteer. Kaitlin started ignoring me because I abandoned her and didn’t marathon The O.C. Chevy didn’t want to see me anymore because I left without saying goodbye and didn’t call him back. I don’t see how these things justify repeating history, but who am I to argue with the universe?

What can I do? Well, I would definitely not live with my dad this summer. That alone takes care of half the problem. Volunteer at River’s Bend. Watch the entire series with Kaitlin. Keep in touch with Chevy. Seems simple enough.

A glance at the alarm clock causes me to realize time is getting away from me. If this is really happening and I want to leave on time, I need to be ready in less than an hour. I jump to my feet and get dressed. Slipping into my mauve dress again causes an odd fluttering in my chest, like a mix between excitement and panic. Ignoring it does me no good; the feeling refuses to go away. I manage to make myself look pretty for the public, including a little bit of a wave to my stick-straight hair. I slip on my white ballet flats, sling my purse over my shoulder, and pick up the cap and gown.

Mom is in the kitchen carrying a bowl full of freshly tossed salad to the table. Seeing her wearing the shiny blue shirt and black dress slacks again slams back the memory. Her glamour overshadowed by her fury.

When she sees me, she stops and gets this teary-eyed smile on her face. “You are so beautiful, do you know that?” I feel myself blush. It’s times like these I don’t see much. Usually she talks about things that need to be done, her expectations, hardly ever anything emotional. It feels nice, so much so that I find myself growing calmer. “I can’t believe you’re graduating already.”

“Already? It’s been eighteen years. That’s a long time,” I joke.

“Not when you’re a parent. Someday you’ll understand.”

Kaitlin comes bounding down the stairs and into the kitchen. She is wearing a white peasant top and a pale blue crinkled skirt. Her wavy blonde hair features a couple of side braids pinned in back. Seeing the ensemble triggers something in my mind. It was inspired by a character on The O.C. Now that I think about it, she probably wanted me to notice. Only I didn’t before. I don’t just tell her she looks nice this time. “Hey! You look like Marissa, only it looks better on you.”

Her face lights up as she slowly grins. That’s something I haven't seen in a very long time. “Thanks, Adrienne,” she says shyly. It is hard to imagine her in a good mood considering how she was yesterday.

Mom goes over to her purse and pulls out her camera. “You guys look so beautiful today! I need to take some pictures.” My mom always takes pictures of important moments. As she poses us by the fireplace, it feels strange to have her taking these pictures again. I remember looking at this set just a few days ago. Mom finally got around to mailing them to my dad so he could have copies of my graduation ceremony.

Maurice comes in the room in his short-sleeve button-down and khakis. When mom sees him she says, “Good, you’re ready. Could you take a picture with me and the girls?” She hands him the camera and fluffs her hair. “How do I look?”

“You look fine,” I assure her. “There’s a nice little bounce to your hair.”

“Good. Whenever my hair loses its volume I look older.”

We all smile as Maurice takes the picture. “I like you no matter what your hair looks like, dear.”

“Thank you, hon.” She takes the camera from him. “Okay, let's eat so we can get going. I want to get there as early as possible.”

After a quick lunch, we head out to the car, my heart pumping double time. This car is taking me to my school, where I am going for my graduation ceremony, and at this function, I will be seeing all of my classmates. Including Chevy. The boy who didn’t want me around. The boy who was the love of my life. Scratch that—is the love of my life.

And I may be able to have him back in my life.

Chapter Four

Saturday afternoon, June 2nd

The car ride almost felt like I was in a movie I’ve seen before. I could almost quote what was going to happen next. It kept the reality of what was happening firmly fixed in my mind. The only thing different was my extremely heightened nerves. My mind began to wander over the possibilities to the point where I felt like I was having a panic attack. Since when do I have panic attacks? What are you supposed to do for those? Hold on, is somebody talking?

“Adrienne!”

The tone of my mother’s voice interrupts my trance, causing me to jump. “Hmm?” I ask as casually as possible.

Mom's not convinced. She turns around to face me, worry on the edges of her eyes. “Are you okay, Adrienne? You seem a bit distracted.”

I shake my head and put on a smile. “I’m fine.”

She tilts her head. “Are you sure? You’ve been confused all morning.”

Kaitlin scrunches her nose and asks, “Confused all morning?”

Mom says, “She told me she thought your room was purple yesterday.”

“Why would my room be purple?” Kaitlin asks me.

While I was gone, Kaitlin out of the blue decided her room needed a makeover. Apparently, the pink walls weren’t mature enough anymore. I can’t say this though. I shrug my shoulders. “I have no idea. I must have had a dream that you painted it. My mind is playing tricks on me.” I wonder how long I can play that card before they start to wonder about my sanity. I’m guessing not long considering how well I am doing so far.

Kaitlin taps a finger on her chin. “That’s actually not a bad idea.”

“It’s not?” asks Maurice as he peeks back at her through the rearview mirror.

“I’d like to paint my room a new color. I’ve been wanting to repaint my room! Could I, Dad? Please?” She bounces a little bit in her seat with her hands clasped together.

He smiles. “Sure, pumpkin. I don’t see why not.”

My mom seems reluctant. “I don’t have the time to help her paint with my work schedule.”

“I’m sure either Adrienne or I could help,” Maurice says, not realizing what my mom’s words meant.

Mom looks at us, unsure of what transpired. It's slightly amusing to see how the subject was changed so quickly. I don’t think she likes it. She faces forward as we pull into the school parking lot. “We can talk more about it later.” She forces a smile. That is her standard response when she doesn’t want to talk about something anymore. The discussion usually doesn’t come up again for another week or two. She hopes postponing it will give sufficient time for you to change your mind. I heard it last when I chose to live with Dad.

I'm barely out of the car when I spot Lyndsay. She is running to me in her gown, holding on to her cap to keep it from flying off. She tackles me in a hug. I start laughing when I realize I should have braced myself.

“O-M-G! Can you believe it’s here?” she says. When I squeeze her a little more than normal, she taps the back of my head and says, “Holy crap, girl! You're acting like you haven't seen me in a billion years.” It had been too long since I had seen her. When I moved, I didn't come back for any visits, and when I had come back the day after the funeral, the only people I saw were my family and Chevy.

“I missed your exaggerations,” is out of my mouth before I realize it. Oops.

“I was exaggerating up a storm yesterday. Were you not paying attention? Or were you too busy thinking about something else?” Then she whispers, “Or somebody else?” She sticks out her tongue. She didn't even bat an eyelash. Apparently, my words were chalked up to silliness due to unhealthy crushes.

“Ha ha,” I reply and stick my tongue out back at her.

“Adrienne, don’t stick your tongue out like that in public,” my mom whispers.

“She started it,” I tell her. Lyndsay just stands there grinning.

Mom ignores me and turns her attention to Lyndsay. “Congratulations, sweetie,” she says as she gives her a hug. “Where’s your mother?”

“Already inside saving seats for everyone. Where’s your dad?” she asks me.

I say, “He’s running late.”

Mom gives me a look. “How did you know that?” Oops again.

How did I know that? “Oh, I, uh, just guessed.” That sounded convincing. It's true that my dad can sometimes run late though. If I'm going to be reliving the past, I still need to remember that I don't know many of these things just yet. Jumping the gun on these things is going to get me branded as a psychic, or more likely a psychotic.

She shrugs her shoulders. “Good guess, then.” I release the breath I didn’t notice I was holding.

Lyndsay says, “I still can’t believe West Haven had to schedule their graduation ceremony at the same time as ours. I won’t be able to see Ben until tonight.” She pouts. She and Ben met at one of the fall football games. West Haven and Hamilton have been rivals ever since their founding. It wasn't the first time rivals started dating, but it was the first time that a couple stayed together this long. He's just the right kind of funny and treats her like a princess. In my books, that's all that matters.

I say, “You can always count on them to pull a stunt like this.”

“But the only people they’re punishing are us! The rest of our classmates couldn't care less.”

I put my arm around her shoulder. “At least you’ll have pictures.”

She smiles. “I guess so.”

My mom looks at her watch and sighs. “Your father will just have to see you afterward. You both need to be in your places soon. Put on your cap and gown. We should head inside.”

I pull the gown on over my head. She sets the cap on straight, making sure not to mess up my hair. There's no way she would let me be on display without being perfect. “Okay.” Then she holds up her finger. “Hold on, let me take a picture!” Lyndsay and I give each other a look.

As we walk into the auditorium, I spot all of my classmates with their families. I never thought I'd be seeing most of them again. Very few choose to stay in this small town; most move on to bigger things, or at least, anywhere but here. I see Chevy in the distance and my heart skips a beat. It’s strange how little control you have over your reactions when placed in certain situations. He looks so handsome in his dress shirt and tie. I had almost forgotten how much I…

My thought trails off when I see his family…including his father.

I have to look away. It's almost too much to handle at this point. Too surreal. He's still alive. Not just that, but I have realized that I overlooked something more important than making amends.

I can save a life.

Forget panic attacks, I am about to pass out in the middle of this auditorium.

Lyndsay notices the change and asks, “Hey, are you okay? You seem a little pale.”

I nod. “Yeah. Just need to get a little bit of water in me.” This is overwhelming. I doubt a little bit of water will help but I’ll try. “Mom, I’m going to get a drink of water and find my spot. I’ll see you after the ceremony.”

“Okay, dear.” She gives me a kiss on the forehead. “Don’t drink too much. You don’t need to be getting up in the middle of it. The ceremony lasts a long time.”

Yes, I remember. “Okay, Mom.” Lyndsay and I walk down the hall to the drinking fountain.

After I take a quick sip, she asks, “Are you nervous?”

“No. Why would I be?”

She shakes her head. “I don’t know. You almost seemed like you saw a ghost back there.”

My body involuntarily freezes at the accuracy of her statement. For a second, I almost believe that she knows. She does know me well. You don’t spend years with somebody without being able to tell when something is off.

“My mind is just playing tricks on me, that’s all,” I reply. I keep saying that. Part of me wishes my mind were just playing a trick on me. That this was all just a dream. That I don't have to relive that moment. The one moment. That moment that I made the choice to tell Chevy my feelings. The piece that started the domino effect.

I shake off my nerves and say, “Come on,” as I grab her by the arm and lead us back to the auditorium. There's no point in standing around thinking about the past. I have nothing but my future ahead of me. Even if it is possibly happening again. “Let’s graduate.”

Chapter Five

Saturday afternoon, June 2nd

It almost does seem like a dream when I'm getting my diploma and moving that tassel for the second time. A calm comes over me during the speech and while waiting in line to cross the stage. However, once the ceremony is over a wave of unease overcomes me. I know what is supposed to be next. I know who will be coming. I know what will happen. I don’t want to face that again.

Facing him then was hard enough. What came after was almost worse…

Him, saying something to the effect of “talk to you later.” Me, nodding, although I barely register his words. All I can see is him…walking away. All I can think is…he’s gone.

Back then, I couldn’t cry, but thinking about it now causes me to tear up. I will myself to hold them in. Sure, it’s graduation day and I should be crying tears of mixed emotions. I want to act as though everything is normal. Even though I want to escape.

Suddenly, he's approaching me.

An intensity of feelings mingles with my unease. All of the horrible things that happened yesterday start to unravel. They fall to the ground and people crush them beneath their feet. Yesterday becomes a dream. I can’t remember anything but his sweetness, I can’t hear anything but his charming words, and I can’t see anything but his handsome self. I begin to think that maybe, just maybe, anything is possible. I don’t feel the need to escape. I have control over what will happen next. I can right what went wrong. I can pick that domino up and move it somewhere else.

He finally reaches me, pulling me in for a tight hug, lifting me up. “Congratulations, Adrienne!” The uneasy feeling dissipates entirely as I let the warmth and strength of his arms wash over me. I hold on to him just as tightly, not wanting the moment to end.

“Congratulations to you too!” I manage to say. I breathe him in, remembering him as he was those few months ago all over again. It throws me off balance to think about how he is here; he is hugging me and he is not mad at me. I can talk to him. Be around him. It's almost too much to bear. I start to tear up at how happy I am.

So much for acting normal.

When we let go, he takes one look at me and says, “Wow, I’m not leaving, you don’t need to cry.” He carefully wipes the tear away. He has a serious look on his face but I can see the corners of his mouth twitching with the urge to grin.

His playfulness puts me more at ease. I lightly punch him on the arm. “I’m starting to understand the whole theory behind the word bittersweet right now.” At least it’s easy to fake a reason behind the tears.

My mind comes to a standstill as it tries to come up with the words I should say next. This is where I spoke up. What should I say? My brain can't put a coherent thought together. The words from before circle my head but I brush them aside. I won't let them return this time around.

Before I am forced into appearing like a complete fool, he speaks up. “You’ve got that nursing home gig coming up soon, right?”

I nod. “Yeah, I do. It starts Monday.”

“Really? That soon?”

“Yep, that soon. It lasts ten weeks…just in time for college…in the fall.” I heave a sigh. Yesterday, I was going to college on Monday. Today, I will be volunteering at a nursing home on Monday. I am going backwards. The dread from last night has returned to me. What does it mean? Am I uncertain about my future? Or is it the rip in the space-time continuum that is creating this doubt?

Chevy raises his eyebrows. “Whoa, don’t sound so excited.” He pauses to read my face. “You’re not anymore, are you?”

He can read me so well, always has been able to. It was a rare moment when I could hide how I really feel. Right now, I can’t hide it. I bite my lip. “Don’t tell anyone, okay? I think…I think I haven’t been able to catch up with myself.” I haven't been able to wrap my head around what could be happening, much less understand why my enthusiasm for my career has come to a screeching halt.

He nods. “Sure, I understand.” He puts a hand on my shoulder. “We can talk about it later.”

Later—that sounds so nice to hear.

I give him an appreciative smile. “Was your dad able to get you into the shop?” I ask. His dad works at The Auto Stop, our neighborhood car repair shop.

“Yep! They were only able to give me two days a week but it’s a good start.” He shrugs. “It’s not like I’m planning on leaving home anytime soon.”

“That’s true.”

Out of nowhere, Lyndsay bumps into me from behind. “Hey!” she shouts, giving me another huge hug. “I am so proud of us I could shout it from the rooftops.” She turns to Chevy and hugs him too. Then she grabs my hand and says, “Come on! We’ve got to say goodbye to everyone.”

I laugh as she pulls me away. “I guess I’ll talk to you later?” I say to Chevy.

He chuckles and waves. “Definitely.” He disappears into the crowd.

Lyndsay and I spend the next fifteen minutes running around and tackling every classmate we see in hugs and saying “Have a great summer!” to each and every one of them. It’s so strange to see what I missed.

My dad catches sight of me, runs over, and pulls me into a big bear hug. “Hey squirt!” It's strange how I had just seen him two days ago, but at this point, it had been six months. Of course he misses me, and I should miss him.

I laugh. “Hey, Dad.”

“I’m so proud of you,” he says, still hugging me. “I can’t believe how grown up you are. It makes me feel old.” He gives me a kiss on the cheek before he lets me go.

“You’re not old!”

“Someday you’ll understand.”

When the rest of the family walks over to us, I say to him, “That’s funny. Mom said that to me earlier.” I turn to Mom. Some days I wonder why they ever divorced.

“I said what?” she asks.

“That I’ll understand someday.”

She nods knowingly with a smile. “You will.” She pulls me in for a long hug. “I still can’t believe it.”

“Believe it.” I squeeze her back.

Maurice speaks up, “I think it’s time to celebrate, don’t you?”

* * *

At the restaurant while we wait for our table, Lyndsay pulls me aside to ask how things went with Chevy. She knew I was planning to talk to him after the ceremony. Or I was, last she heard. “You aren’t acting like he wanted to go out with you, and you aren’t acting like he didn’t want to go out with you. What gives?”

“I didn’t ask him,” I say, twisting my hair between my fingers.

Her jaw drops. “You what? You’ve been talking about this for weeks and psyching yourself up for it and you don’t even ask him. Why?”

I shrug. “I didn’t think it was the right place.” More like, it was a bad idea to begin with.

“But you told me…”

“I’ve had a lot of time to think about it—”

“Twelve hours?” She seems disbelieving.

Ignoring my faux pas, I continue, “—and I think it would be more…appropriate in a different setting.” That sounds like me. Always postponing something out of fear of what could happen. Talking to him was supposed to break me out of my pattern. I have learned my lesson there.

“Appropriate…in a different setting?” She appears confused by my words. And rightly so.

“Yeah.”

She shrugs, not wanting to argue or push the issue, even though I know she believes I should get it over with. The glory of the summer after graduation only lasts so long and things can change quickly. “Whatever floats your boat.” She has always been supportive of my crushes, even if she doesn't fully understand the appeal.

No matter what, she has always been there for me, just like she was after I was rejected. That day, I slinked off down the hallway leading out of the auditorium. When she found me and I told her, I could sense her heart crushing alongside mine. She was so mad. I kept telling her I was fine but I know she didn’t believe me.

Dinner this time is more pleasant. Mom and I discuss the nursing home volunteer work for Monday. I muster as much excitement as I can, telling her I can’t wait to get started. No talk of skipping out on my mom’s plan for my future. No talk of running off to my dad’s to escape. No yelling, arguing, screaming, or crying. It's nice.

It's not until I'm about to say goodbye to my dad that I notice something. There is sadness in his eyes that I never saw any other time we said goodbye. Now that I'm keeping my promise to Mom, it means I won’t see him all summer. Then once summer is over, I will be in college and won’t be able to see him until winter break. As I am hugging him, I whisper, “I’ll find a way to come see you before I start school in the fall.”

I can feel him smile. He whispers back, “I’d like that.” I have no idea how but I know I need to. In any case, my dad’s feelings are equally as important as my mom’s.

When I'm finally in bed, I think about the day and how much I have already managed to improve. And with these thoughts of changing the past circling in my mind, I drift off into the most satisfying sleep I have had in months.

Chapter Six

Sunday, June 3rd

Sunlight pours through my curtains and into my eyes. Why did my mom insist on the white satin ones? I squeeze my eyelids shut tighter and yank the covers over my head. Then I have a realization and sit up with a start.

What is today?

I grab my calendar. June third. I'm not reliving graduation day again. Thank goodness. Letting out a huge sigh of relief, I flop back down on my pillow.

But wait. June third.

This means I really am reliving the whole summer and it wasn't my imagination. It also means I must have done something right. If that's the case, I need to make it through the rest of the summer without screwing anything up. This means it is imperative to take into account all the possibilities, what needs to be done, and what needs to be avoided.

My head starts to pound again. This is almost too intense. How am I going to do this?

I sit back up and mutter to myself, “Paper, paper, I need paper,” as I grab a handful of sheets and a pen from my desk. I begin to write.

How Not to Ruin This Summer

1. Volunteer at the nursing home for Mom

2. Watch The O.C. with Kaitlin

3. Spend more time with Chevy

4. Make sure that John doesn’t drive that night.

Those are the most important things, especially the last one. Am I missing anything? I close my eyes and go over everything I remember. From the very brief conversations I had with my mom to the emails Lyndsay sent, there isn’t much to go by. Perhaps it's good I'm mostly going into this blind. It saves me from constantly stating facts before they happen.

I’m so focused that I jump when my phone buzzes. It’s a text message from Lyndsay: “Grad party at Roger’s tonight. You in?”

Oh my goodness. How could I have forgotten about this? Lyndsay told me all about it. There were at least a hundred people there, mostly members of our graduating class but some outsiders and underclassmen. And as Roger’s best friend, Chevy was there…but, then again, so was Heidi.

My stomach sinks. It took all summer for me to forget about this. Lyndsay, and half the party guests, saw them kissing. Of course, the kiss was a one-time thing and they didn't date again. Yet, it still happened. I don’t need to see that.

Wait. Why should I care about that? Just because it happened once doesn’t mean it has to happen again. I could change it. I am trying not to ruin this summer. How can I do that if I let everything go on as if I was not there when I am here now? I have already paved the way to a new destination by staying here instead of leaving. Who’s to say I can’t do the same tonight?

I send back: “I’m in.”

* * *

Ben and Lyndsay arrive around six thirty to pick me up. Under normal circumstances, I would have been ready at the door had I not started to over-think what to wear. What do you wear at a party? Would jeans and a T-shirt be too casual? Would a sundress be too formal?

Lyndsay takes one look at the small pile of clothes on my bed and says, “Are you coming down with something?”

“What? No. Why?”

“You never fuss this much over clothes.”

I pause in the middle of my closet-digging. She’s right, I don’t. Why should today be any different from any other day? I attribute it to my wanting to be noticed. All Lyndsay is wearing is a lacy-edged brown tank top with tan capris. I decide to leave it up to her. Lifting up two possibilities, I ask, “Which one?”

“Kelly green tee with denim shorts.”

“Great.” I change into them.

She sits down on my bed and sifts through the clothes. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. I just couldn’t make up my mind.” I throw on my high-top green sneakers. “Okay, I’m ready.”

“Here.” She reaches over to my vanity and pulls out a white bead necklace. “This will complete the outfit.”

I slip the necklace over my head and look at my reflection. Simple and perfect. I give her a nod of approval. “Thanks.”

I leave a note for my mom telling her where I'm going. She left a couple hours ago to take Kaitlin to her friend Paige’s house for a sleepover, then run errands. I make sure to note that I'll be home by ten, since tomorrow is important. That ought to put her mind at ease.

When we get in the car, Ben asks, “What took so long?”

“Fashion crisis,” Lyndsay says, winking at me.

Ben notices. “Ah, I see… Where is this party?”

Lyndsay puts on her seatbelt. “It's at Roger’s house, which is on Woodlawn off Main.”

“Okay.” He pulls out of the driveway. “Is it a left or a right off Main?”

She turns to him. “You know, I’m not sure.”

“It’s a right, remember?” I interject.

She glances back at me, raising one eyebrow. “How can I remember if I’ve never been there?”

Uh-oh. She wouldn’t remember. She told me about getting lost going to this party. I play dumb. “Oh. I thought you had.” She just rolls her eyes at me.

The party is in full swing when we arrive. There are a few people out front but inside it's wall to wall. I get that uneasy feeling again. Less than three months ago, I missed this party. Today, I am here. Today shouldn’t be happening. I wish I knew how it was.

Roger isn't far from the front door. When he spots us, he shouts, “Hey! Welcome!” He gives us all high fives and moves on to the people coming in behind us.

“Let’s find the kitchen and get some drinks,” Lyndsay says. We weave through the crowd until we find it. My eyes search for Chevy. I’m so distracted I don’t hear Lyndsay talking to me. “Hello! Earth to Adrienne!”

I shake my head out of my trance and ask, “What?”

She raises her eyebrows. “You’re acting strange tonight.” She hands me a cup of pop.

“Whatever do you mean, dear Lynds?” I say before I take a sip.

Ben speaks up. “What she means to say is you’re a strange cookie.” He grins as Lyndsay jabs him with her elbow. “Ow! I take it back. You’re very normal, Adrienne.”

With everything I have faced in the last forty-eight hours, I highly doubt that. Still, I laugh and reply, “That might be pushing it a little, but I hope so.”

“He’s probably out back,” Lyndsay says. “Go ahead. Ben and I can mingle with the masses.”

“I don’t want to just leave you.”

Ben waves me off. “You didn’t dress to impress me,” he says pointedly. “Go. Scoot.”

I heave a sigh and scoot to the back, as he suggested. A few of my former classmates stop me to say hello and hug. I'm almost there when Chevy bursts in through the back doorway, frowning, his eyes darting around the room. When they rest on me, his shoulders relax and he smiles. He walks over quickly. “Come with me,” he says, taking my elbow in his as he turns me around.

“Everything okay?” I ask as my heart skips a beat at his sudden closeness.

“It will be in a minute.” We walk downstairs into the basement, which looks more like a gaming room. There's a group of boys playing a football video game in front of a big-screen television. A couple of girls sit on the floor watching their boyfriends play. On the other side is a serious game of table tennis and an even more serious poker game. “Here we are,” he says, looking at a couch. He lets go of my elbow and we sit down. He glances back at the stairs. “Yes, this is much better.”

“What happened?”

He shakes his head. “I’m trying to avoid Heidi.”

Did he say what I think he said? Wait, if he's avoiding Heidi, why would he have been kissing her last time? There is only one thing different: me.

My skin tingles in delight.

“Why do you want to avoid her?” I ask.

He covers his face for a second with his hand. “She's been relentless in attempting to win me back. She told one of her friends she was going to corner me tonight. I saw her coming around the side of the house. I'll be hiding for the rest of the night.”

I frown. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I brought this on myself for even dating her to begin with.” He sighs and shakes his head. “Moving on. So, tell me…what's up with the nursing?”

How do I explain this without sounding crazy? “I've spent all my life working toward that goal. It's like a trophy my mom placed on a pedestal. It has been sitting there all these years, waiting for me to pick it up. Now that I'm standing right in front of it I feel...overwhelmed. I don't know if it's the obligation or if it's me.”

“And that scares you, doesn’t it?”

“Definitely.”

He stares at the wall for a second, thoughtful, then brings his attention back to me. “Let me ask you this: If nursing wasn’t on the table, what else do you think you would want to do?”

I blink a couple times. I have never been asked what I want, nor have I thought about it. “Um...well…” I look down at my hands. “I’m not sure. I never imagined doing anything else. I was never allowed to imagine doing anything else. I just did what was expected and left it at that.”

“I see. How does your dad feel?”

“He never objected to it. Then again, he never promoted it either.” The whole time I stayed with him, he didn’t mention nursing. “Maybe he wanted me to think about what else was out there. If that were the case, it would've been nice if he would have just said so. Maybe he was afraid of upsetting my mom.” That would make two of us then.

Chevy leans forward. “Here’s what I think. You need to determine what it is you want out of life. I got lucky that the career my dad has is something I enjoy doing too. You need to figure out what you enjoy and find a career to suit who you are, whether it is what your mom wants or not.”

I sigh. “I know you’re right, but I don’t want to disappoint my mom.”

“I don’t think it’s possible for you to disappoint her.”

I smile and chuckle. “Easy for you to say.” Looking him in the eye, I say, “Thanks. I appreciate the advice.”

“Anytime.” He points a finger at me. “Just remember what this means.”

“And what’s that?” I ask, tilting my head with a smile.

“Next time it will be my turn.” He takes a swig from his drink. In the middle of his sip, his eye catches something that makes him stop. “Uh-oh.”

I turn my head to find Heidi standing at the bottom of the stairs. Her bleach-blonde hair matches the hot pink bikini top over her white short shorts. I remember the nice sandy blonde color she used to have at the beginning of high school. She was actually a very sweet girl growing up. Then she started to hang with the cheerleading girls and everything changed.

I frown. Why did she have to come down here? Before either of us can hide, she spots Chevy and begins to saunter over with a sway in her hips.

Chevy is obviously very bothered with her presence. He pleads in a whisper, “Please, help me get away from her.”

My heart swells with hope. “No problem.” I bite my lip. How can we get away from her? “I have an idea. Finish your drink.” I drink the rest of mine and he does likewise.

Heidi sits right next to Chevy as if she belongs there. “Hey you,” she says sweetly. “I’ve been looking all over for you.”

Chevy forces a smile. “Hey.”

She looks suspiciously at me. “What are you guys talking about?”

“Just stuff,” I say. “We were just about to go refill our drinks.”

She frowns dramatically. “But Chevy, I was hoping that we could, you know, talk.” She slings her arm around his shoulder.

When she uses the word “talk” it doesn't sound like she wants to just talk. She's only been here for less than a minute and this has already gone too far. Chevy wants me to save him. Time to go to Plan B.

With a deep breath, I take his hand in mine. His eyes widen. I give Heidi a sweet smile. “Actually, we were planning on heading upstairs to find a more private place to, you know, talk.” I raise my eyebrows at Chevy.

He nods with a smirk, now on the same page as me. “That’s right. Come on, Adrienne.” We stand up and walk away, still holding hands. I glance back at her just in time to catch the dirtiest look I have ever been given. I hold in a laugh.

He keeps holding my hand until we reach the kitchen. When he lets go, he wraps his arms around me and spins me around. I can’t help but giggle. “Thank you!” he says with a laugh. He places me back on my feet. “You’re a genius. Although, she may spread rumors about the two of us.”

I don’t mind. I wonder if he does. “She probably would have anyway, just seeing us talking.”

“That’s true. In any case, I owe you one big time.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. You can start with freshening my drink.” I hand over my cup.

He says, “For you, anything.” My heart flutters.

And doesn’t stop.

Chapter Seven

Monday, June 4th

River’s Bend Nursing Home sits slightly off a country road just outside of town. Ornamental pear trees line the drive until you reach the parking lot. The building itself has the appearance of a house, only much larger. The evergreen bushes that surround the perimeter are trimmed weekly. Each window has a flower box filled with different types—marigolds, pansies, geraniums, or whatever is available. The place has a quaint appeal to it, making it feel more like a home than a nursing home. It is a beacon of hope for those who stay and a comfort to those who visit.

So, why am I hesitating to go inside?

My mom left a note for me on the counter by the toaster this morning. It said, “I cannot express how proud I am of you, Adrienne. Have a wonderful first day! I love you, Mom.”

I close my eyes and sigh. I want to believe what Chevy said last night, about me not being able to disappoint my mom. Considering her dramatic reaction to my choice to not do this the first time, I can’t help but doubt it. I get out of my car and walk in through the double doors.

The receptionist, who is all smiles, sees me. “You must be Adrienne.” I nod. “I’m Denise. Just keep walking down this hall, and take a left. There’s a sign in front of the room you need to go in.”

I nod again and say, “Thank you,” as I head down the hall. This isn’t the first time I’ve been here. There were a couple family members who lived here years ago. The appearance on the inside hasn’t changed—the pale orange walls and wooden-framed artwork remains as I remember it.

So, could somebody please tell me why my stomach is starting to do flip-flops?

I pass an older woman in a wheelchair. She is sitting in front of her room staring into space. A nurse comes out of the room and pushes her back in. I keep walking. The sterile smell hits me suddenly, despite being inside for at least a minute. It starts to consume every breath I take in. I hear the sound of monitors and machines beep and pulse, drifting in and out of some rooms. With every step I take, my stomach continues to flip.

By the time I reach the end of the hall, I begin to feel dizzy. I stop and put a clammy hand on the wall to steady myself. A wave of nausea comes over me. I've been here before—it's unmistakable.

I'm going to faint.

My heart is racing. I need to calm down but I don’t know how.

I hear footsteps come closer, followed by a concerned voice. “Adrienne? Are you okay?” I glance up and see Aunt Faith. She has her brown hair pulled back in a high ponytail. Her brows furrow as she comes closer. “Oh sweetie,” she says, touching my forehead. “You look like you’re about to pass out.” I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. “Here,” she says, taking my arm and slinging it over her shoulder. “Let’s get you somewhere you can sit down.”

“Okay,” I squeak out.

She leads me off to what appears to be a break room. She sits me down at the table, pours a glass of water, and sits down next to me. “Drink some. It will make you feel better.”

I reluctantly drink a little. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” She pauses, pressing her lips together. “What happened? Did you skip breakfast?” I shake my head. “Are you nervous?”

“I don’t know. I was fine until I got here. Then I started to feel dizzy and my heart was racing as I came down the hall.”

“I see.” She leans back in her chair. “Adrienne, can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Do you really want to be a nurse?”

I stiffen. “Why do you ask?”

“I’m asking because I believe you just had a panic attack.”

My eyes widen. I've been panicking off and on since I started to relive the summer. I chalked it up to just that. What if it’s not? “But I have to be a nurse.”

She shakes her head. “No, you don’t. Not if you don’t want to be.”

“You of all people should understand why I have to be a nurse.”

She sighs and leans back in her chair. “You’re right. I do understand. But I didn’t ask your mom if you should be a nurse. I asked you. Do you want to be a nurse?”

I think about it for a moment. Do I want to be a nurse? I envision myself as a nurse, like the one I saw pushing the woman in the wheelchair. Try as I might, I can’t see it. How is this possible? “I don’t know if I do anymore, and if I don’t know it probably means deep down that I don’t.” I groan. “Why is this happening now? After all these years of working toward this goal, how could I not want it anymore?” I put my head in my hands. “This is just awful. Especially after all the strings you pulled for me to be able to do this.”

I feel her hand on my shoulder. “Look. Don’t worry about that. Everyone goes through this. I didn’t become a nurse’s aide until I wanted to be one. Maybe it will be the same for you. Maybe two years from now you'll want it. Or maybe you'll never want it. This job isn’t for just anyone, you know. It’s the kind of dirty, hands-on job a lot of people shy away from.”

I think about the smells encasing me only a moment ago. I consider the things I would have to clean up. It causes me to shudder and the nausea flickers again. “What should I do? My mom is expecting me to do this. I told her I wanted this. I’m supposed to be going to college in the fall.” What will happen when she finds out?

She tilts my chin up, looking me in the eye. “The way I see it, you have two choices: stay or go. Either stay and carry on like this never happened, or you go and figure out a new plan.”

That simple, huh? Stay or go. I would hate to give it up after all this time. As much as I want to make my mom happy, I don’t want this. The thought of leaving it all behind both thrills and frightens me. The possibilities are endless, but what will I tell my mom? I already know how she will react. Unless…

Unless restarting had nothing to do with pleasing my mom—maybe it wasn’t my destiny to do this. And if it wasn’t my destiny, then there's something else out there. Something else that I need to search out. I can’t search it out if I stay here.

“What are you going to do?” Faith asks me.

There is only one answer. “Go.”

* * *

I drive to Lyndsay’s house. I figure it will be the safest place to hide out until I need to tell my mom. If I go home now, what if Maurice comes home early? The chance of this is slim, but still. He would tell my mom and she'll know something is up. That wouldn't be a good start to the conversation I need to have. As far as that conversation goes, what do I say? I can’t be straightforward and say straight out of the gate that I'm not going to be a nurse. Perhaps if I start with the panic attack, she'll go easy on me.

I spend the rest of the day browsing through Lyndsay’s college catalogs, something I have never done before. Although I’ve heard of most of these careers, it feels different looking at them now. I could do one of them, any of them. The possibilities are endlesstoo endless. Paralegal. Medical transcription. Social work. Teacher. Journalism. My head starts to spin. Can I see myself doing any of these?

When Lyndsay walks in, she finds me facedown on her bed. She throws her purse on my legs and I jump. I throw her a scowl and shove my face back down. She says, “You do realize how bizarre this is, don’t you?”

Bizarre? You have no idea, Lyndsay. No idea. I am eighteen years old and not only career-less but also struggling to pick out an alternative. I ask, “What is bizarre?” only it sounds like, “Wuhf ith bishare?” through the covers.

Her bed squeaks as she sits at the end by my feet. “Between the two of us, I never imagined that I'd be the one who went into nursing while you didn’t.”

I turn my face to the side and smile. “Life is funny that way.”

“How are you going to tell your mom?”

“I’m going to play the sympathy card and mention almost fainting.”

“That may work.”

“It probably won’t but I need to stay positive.”

She scoffs. “You’re doing a great job there.” I smack her thigh with my hand. “Ow! I was only teasing.” She rubs the spot where I hit her. “You didn’t miss much though. It was mostly a bunch of formalities, a tour of the place and where everything is... There isn’t too much I can do until I take the nurse’s aide course.”

“Well, at least you’ve got your foot in the door.”

“True. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. Guess what?”

“What?”

“I got an interview tomorrow at The Community Market.”

The Community Market is the small grocery store Ben works at. Ever since he started working there, Lyndsay has been hoping for the opportunity to apply. I almost forgot about her working there. “Really? That’s great, but won’t they be worried you two will be making out in the frozen-food section when you’re supposed to be at the register?”

“More likely the produce department,” she replies, not missing a beat. “It’s good the nursing-home work is only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, that way I have more availability. My mom told me the more flexibility I have, the better.” She picks at her finger. “I hope I get in. I could use the extra money for school this fall.”

“You do. I mean, you will. There’s no reason they won’t.”

“Thanks. Hey! Maybe you could work there too.”

I’m not sure my mom would be excited to hear that idea, but it's an option. “Maybe. I’ll ask.”

I stay there until I know my mom will be done with work. On the drive home I work on the speech I’ll give. With every stop sign and every turn, my nerves kick in more. The anxiety is keeping my mind from putting the right words in the right order. Mom, I know how much you want, I mean… Mom, on my walk down the hall I got dizzy and, wait… Mom, I don’t want to…

This isn’t coming out the way I want it to at all.

My mom is making dinner when I walk into the kitchen. I watch her stir sauce for a moment. It reminds me of the days before the divorce. Mom cooking dinner, dad kissing her cheek before he set the table. Simpler times when their daughter was too young to be concerned with college and only needed dolls to survive. Why can’t it just stay like that? Simple, with no complications. When she sees me, her whole face brightens, causing my stomach to sink. “Hi sweetie! I have been so anxious to see you.”

Funny, I’ve been anxious to see you too, just not for the same reason. I feign a smile, which fades when I smell what she’s making. “Is that…stuffing?”

“Yep! I decided to make you your favorite tonight in honor of your first day. Stuffing and ravioli with red sauce. What do you think?”

I look at the stove in an attempt to avoid her eyes. Out of all the nights she could do this, she had to pick this one. My stomach turns despite the delicious aroma. How can I tell her now? I turn back to her. “Mom, I need to tell you something,” I finally say.

“What is it, hon?” Her face holds a glow I have never seen. I can almost see the rays of light illuminate the room. What I am about to say will burn those lights out forever. She is looking at me expectantly. “Adrienne?”

Whatever the circumstances, it needs to be said. So I open my mouth and say it:

“Thank you, Mom. You’re the best.”

* * *

I can’t wait to go to my room. After chickening out at the last minute, I need some time alone to wrap my head around what I just did. I didn’t get the chance until after we all sat down to eat. My mom asked me how everything went. All I could mention were the little tidbits Lyndsay said in passing earlier. Thankfully, she didn’t probe much further. I had to pretend to be exhausted to get away.

Safely in my room with the door shut, I fall facedown into my pillow. “What have you done?” I grumble to myself. Seriously, what have I done? For starters, I lied. Not just a little lie either. Then I perpetuated it by telling more lies about what happened. What I need to do is come clean. Go downstairs and tell her the truth.

However, if I do that she will be more upset with me for faking. On top of that, she won’t trust me.

Why did I lie to her? I know why I lied. I couldn’t stand to see her hurt at the moment she seemed happiest. The crash from being that high up would have been devastating. Waiting certainly won’t change the devastation. Lying is a worse offense than quitting.

What am I going to do? I can’t tell her.

A light bulb comes on in my mind. What if… what if I don’t tell her? What if I pretend I'm still going while I set out to find myself? This way, she can stay happy and I can discover what I'm looking for without having her being upset weighing me down. Once I know what I want to do and begin to work toward that goal, then I can tell her. She may be upset at first but she is bound to come around when she sees my dedication.

It's not a flawless plan by any means. But somehow, it feels like the best option I have in front of me.

The first step in this plan is to get Lyndsay on board with the ruse. I'll say I’m meeting up with her in the morning so the two of us can “carpool.” Instead, I will be inside her house all day. What will I be doing while I'm there? I’m supposed to be searching out my career path. I haven’t quite figured the details of how yet. Something will come to me.

The harder part, aside from keeping it secret, will be getting Faith to go along with it. Due to their animosity, I wouldn’t want to add on the aiding and abetting of my lie to the things my mom dislikes about Faith. I'd have to convince her that I would take full responsibility. Faith may know what I'm doing, but since I am an adult, my mom should not hold it against her.

The hardest part? Not screwing it up this time around.

Chapter Eight

Tuesday, June 5th

I send Lyndsay a text message when I wake up the next day for her to come over later on so I can talk to her about something. She asks what it's about but I don’t tell her any details. It’s better not to have any written proof floating around in the digital world.

After I take care of some chores around the house, I ask Kaitlin if she wants to watch some more episodes. I cross my fingers that she will because I cannot stand being in my head any longer. It has become a whirlwind that keeps trying to suck me down into a pit without a way to climb up. I need a distraction, even if for a few hours.

She says, “Just a couple. I have a book I want to finish.”

I always saw her reading but never bothered to see what it was. “What book?” I ask.

“It’s called What My Mother Doesn’t Know.”

I brighten up. “I read that.”

Her eyes widen. “Really?”

I can’t blame her for the surprise. Reading for pleasure is something I haven’t done much of in the last year. I nod. “I picked it up at the school library a couple years ago. It was different than what I’m used to but I really liked it.”

A smile slowly appears on Kaitlin's face. “Yeah, I wasn’t sure if I would like a story written in poems. I almost didn’t get it but I’m glad I did.”

It may seem like such an ordinary thing, having a book in common, but it feels like more. This is something she and I didn’t share before. When my mom and her dad started seeing each other, it was new for both of us. For me, it was the first time I saw my mom with somebody other than my dad. For Kaitlin, it had been just her and her dad for years. Her mom left when she was six and she has never tried to communicate with Kaitlin since. I was never told much else. It broke my heart to think about somebody doing that to their own child. I got the impression that Kaitlin was okay with the way things were so I didn’t worry much.

Mom and Maurice got married last summer. Although we all moved into the same house, Kaitlin and I haven’t had much time to talk. I was busy with senior year—homework and studying and preparing for college. Until the TV show, we were lucky to talk at all. It never really felt like I had a sister. It felt more like a roommate, only she lived in the room across the hall.

Just before dinner, Lyndsay knocks on the front door. The second I open it, she bursts in. She is wearing her professional outfit: gray slacks along with a white button down. She says, “Guess what?”

“What?”

“I got the job!” she squeals with a big smile.

“Of course you did.”

She frowns. “Where’s the enthusiasm?”

“I’m sorry. I’ve got a lot on my mind.” I give her a squeeze. “I really am very happy for you.”

“Thanks. I would have been here earlier but I had some forms to fill out. Then I had to talk with the manager about my schedule. I start next Tuesday.”

“That’s cool.”

“So, what did you want to talk about?” She pauses and whispers, “Did last night not go over well?”

I glance over at the kitchen where my mom is. “It…everything went fine.”

She wipes the back of her hand across her forehead. “Oh, good. I was worried something wouldn’t go according to plan.”

“Actually…” I start to say when my mom walks into the room.

She stops mid-walk. “Oh, hello sweetie.”

“Hi, Aunt Joy! Guess what? I got a job at The Community Market.”

My mom’s eyebrows rise. “A job?”

“Yup. It sounds like they might need someone else too, since I can only take on a couple days. So that’s good news.”

I freeze. Oh no. I open my mouth to change the subject but my mom beats me. “Good news?” she asks with a wary glance in my direction.

“For Adrienne.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, we were talking last night,” Lyndsay begins.

“About the job opening,” I interrupt. “You see, Lynds thought it would be a good idea for me to apply too. That way I could pay for more things on my own. I considered it for a minute but decided that it would be too much for me to do along with the volunteer work.”

Lyndsay stares at me dumbfounded. “Wha-huh?”

My mom nods. “That’s a wise decision, Adrienne. Maybe once you see how you handle your classes in the fall you can look into a part-time job in the spring.” She turns to Lyndsay. “You’re welcome to stay for dinner, dear. It’s all set, so come on in.” She walks back to the kitchen.

I heave a sigh of relief. “That was close.”

Lyndsay grabs at my arm. “I thought you talked to her.”

I put my hands over my face. “I was going to but I just couldn’t.”

“But you’re going to tell her?”

“Eventually…”

“What do you mean eventually?”

I touch her arm. “I can explain more after we eat. Just…pretend I’m still going for now. Please?”

“Okay, but only because you asked so politely.”

Later on in my room, I tell her all about my idea. She sits there silently as I talk. Then her forehead wrinkles and she finally says, “You know I’m willing to support you in your crazy endeavors. Even though I don’t think it is a good idea, I can’t tell you what to do. The problem is going to be getting my mom on board.”

“That’s the part I was most concerned with. The last thing I want is any more trouble between her and my mom. The bottom line is that this is my decision. If my mom wants to blame someone, it will have to be me, whether she likes it or not.”

Lyndsay puts her arm around my shoulder. “I’ll find a way to convince her.” She stands up, reaches into her pants pocket, and makes a face. “Drat. There’s a hole in this pocket.”

“Did you lose something?”

“No, I was reaching for my phone, but I realized I put it in my purse. Good thing I did apparently.” She feels it again. “Ugh. I don’t want to fix it but I will need these for work.”

I go to my dresser. “I can do it. Just leave them.” I hold out a pair of jeans. “Here. Change into these. I’ll have that pocket fixed by tomorrow.”

She hesitates. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, it’s no problem.” The more projects I have to do, the better. Plus, I can brush up on my sewing skills. It has been at least a year since I've had to mend anything.

After she leaves, I pull out the sewing kit from my closet and get to work. It doesn’t take me long to fix it. I wish it took longer because I need something to distract me. I keep thinking about tomorrow and everything surrounding my decision. There is so much that is wrong with what I am doing. Yet the idea of being honest brings back memories I'd sooner forget than relive. What am I going to do?

Chapter Nine

Wednesday, June 6th

Sleep eludes me most of the night. When I get to Lyndsay’s, I'm thankful I have nowhere to be so I can take a quick nap. Faith, as I expected, wasn’t too keen about me not telling my mom the truth. She did agree that I should take some time to find out what I want from life.

“In fact,” she says. “It might not be a bad idea to take a semester off.”

I straighten up. “I couldn’t do that.” Taking a semester off would be worse than taking the summer off.

“Why not?”

“I need to at least be going to college, even if it’s not the career my mom wants.”

“Do you know what you want to do?” she asks.

I slump down in my chair. “No,” I say, dragging out the word.

“Just think about it. You don’t want to rush into something else and regret it.”

What she says resonates with me. I spent my high school years preparing for a career I didn’t want in the first place. It would be less than useless for me to jump into something else just to go to college. I need to know what I want before I proceed. Right now, I have no idea what I want. It's all for the best since I would have to sign up for classes in the next couple of weeks to get in.

I spend the morning browsing the internet for career suggestions to no avail. Instead of spending the afternoon getting the same results, I organize their books by author and movies by title. When I finish, the living room feels cleaner, but I am still at a loss as far as what to do with myself. I keep on organizing until Lyndsay comes back.

She stares at the room. “What are you doing to my house?”

“Organizing,” I say as I transfer magazines from the coffee table to the magazine rack.

“You are officially crazy.”

“What makes you the judge of that?”

“Uh, the fact that I’m not crazy, that’s what.”

I stand up with my hands on my hips. “The fact that you think you can say that while being part of this family makes you the crazy one.”

“Let's call it a tie.” She sits down on the couch, putting her feet up on the coffee table.

I sit next to her. “I say rematch.”

She sticks her tongue out at me. “I'd ask you how the career search went today but I have a feeling I already know the answer.”

“Yeah. I'm still completely lost there.” And probably will be for a while.

“I forgot to ask you this morning: did you take care of my pants?”

I jump up off the couch. “Oh! I left them in my car.” I run out and come back in with them. “Here you go.”

She reaches in the pocket. “Wow. I can’t even tell the difference from when I bought these.”

I make a face. “You exaggerate.”

She shakes her head. “Really, I can’t.” Her face lights up. “That’s it!”

“What’s it?”

“You can do this,” she says, holding up her pants to me.

“Sewing? I can’t make a career out of sewing.”

She rolls her eyes. “Not just sewing. Mending, hemming, quilting… Ooh! You could design clothes!”

“That's a bit unrealistic.”

“So? Maybe it's so unrealistic that it's possible.”

“I think I just won the rematch.”

“I'm being serious! Where do all the great ones start? They start with something small, something simple, then they keep going until they reach the top. You could make it into a business.”

I have spent so many years dwelling on one career. Then I spent these last couple of days coming up with others. Never once did I think about starting a business. Me? Running a business of my own? Could I do it? My first thoughts are along the lines of “not going to happen” but I have to keep options open.

She can see me considering the possibility. “Just tell me you'll think about it.”

I smile and say, “I’ll think about it.”

Chapter Ten

Friday, June 8th

Two days later, I'm still thinking about it. I can’t stop thinking about it. There's just something about it that appeals to me. Although I have no clue why it would. I have barely done any bigger sewing projects aside from mending since I was ten.

Lyndsay reiterates it Friday. “My mom still has the sewing machine in the attic somewhere. Remember when we played with it to make quilts for our dolls?”

“Yeah,” I say with a nostalgic smile. “That was fun.”

“See! The look on your face says it all. It’s settled. We’re going to dig it out.” We go upstairs to the attic and find it covered with a film of dust. “There’s step one. Step two is finding some fabric.” She moves the sewing machine out of the way and we open up the boxes nearby.

Dust particles puff up into the air, causing me to cough. “Why are none of these boxes marked?” I ask, setting aside another box to rub my nose.

“They were going in the attic, it didn’t matter. Plus, my mom has a photographic memory of everything up here.” She drops a box down in a huff. “You would think they would be right here.” She walks to the doorway and yells, “Mom! Where’s all that fabric we used to have?”

“It should be up there!” Faith yells back.

“Where?”

“Under the old black and white television set!” Sure enough, there it was.

We take the sewing machine and box of fabric downstairs and set it down on the living-room floor. After moving the coffee table off to the side, I open up the box. I chuckle as I pull out some flowered fabric. “Hey, I used this one to make a scrunchie.”

She laughs. “I think I still have that scrunchie.” She reaches in and then freezes. “Oh my goodness.”

“What?” She holds up one of our quilts. The bright colors clash like an outfit from the eighties. “Oh my goodness is right,” I say as I touch it. “Boy, does that bring back the memories.” Our poor dolls. All they ever wanted was a nice duvet. What did we make them? A crazy quilt.

Faith comes into the room. “When are we leaving for Ben’s house?”

Lyndsay looks at the clock on the VCR. “Crap. In about ten minutes.”

While she gets ready, I move everything out of the way. I almost forgot about their families going to dinner tonight. Aside from the brief moments Lyndsay and I had, most of the week was spent with my family. After the whirlwind of a week I just had, I really need to get out of the house and talk to someone.

And I know exactly who that someone should be.

* * *

Chevy and I meet up after dinner at the Sweet Treat, the local outdoor ice cream eatery twenty yards from the high school. It was a smart move on their part because when kids are walking home from school, all they want is to go there every day. Of course, when you’re young you don’t have enough money to.

We place our order—he chooses a strawberry shake and I choose marshmallow—then we take a seat on the furthest picnic table along the side of the building. After he fills me in on his week, I tell him about mine. I try to make it as brief as possible, since I've already talked excessively about it in the last five days.

When I reach the end, he waits a moment before speaking. Then he says, “First of all, I fully agree with your decision to stop doing something you don’t love. I’m not too keen on withholding that from your mom though.”

I sigh. “I know, neither am I.” I twist my straw between my thumb and index finger. “I want to tell her. I almost did, and then I chickened out. I could just see it all crumble and topple over. My mom wants nothing more than to see me succeed. I just want a little bit of time to figure those details out, and then I’ll come clean.”

He nods. “It’s a tough place to be in, trying to balance out pleasing your parents and following your dreams.”

“It is.”

“Do you know what you want to do?”

I chuckle, shaking my head. “Not really. Lyndsay is working on convincing me to be a seamstress.”

“Why? Is it something you're good at?”

“Um, sort of?”

He laughs. “That’s a good start, you know. Here’s the difficult question: do you enjoy it?”

I ponder this for a moment. Looking through the box of fabric earlier sent me to a land of reminiscing. All those rainy summer days Lyndsay and I would be sewing until the rain stopped. At the time, it was to stave off boredom. Thinking about the joy I got from creating something made me realize how I really felt. “Yes,” I respond with resolve. “I enjoy it.”

“Then that,” he says, “is your answer.” And it is.

I change the subject. “So, what else have you been up to?”

He shrugs. “Nothing really. Just hanging with Roger and Nathan. Speaking of which, how do you feel about karaoke?”

“Karaoke?” I look into his eyes to see if he is being serious.

He is. “Yes, karaoke.”

The last time I sang was for a spring recital in fifth grade, but I don’t like to think about that night. “I don’t know. I don’t really sing in front of people.”

“You can’t sing?”

“I can, I just…don’t.” I shake my head. “Why? Do you like to?”

“I can take it or leave it. I only ask because Nathan is leaving early for New York and he wants to go to the coffee shop next week for karaoke night.” He puts his hand to his face and sighs. “Of all the things he wants to do before leaving, karaoke and coffee on a Saturday night?”

I stifle a laugh. “Well, at least he didn’t want to go out clubbing or drinking.”

He straightens up a little. For a second he looks unsettled, but then it vanishes. “So, yeah, karaoke next Saturday. You, Lyndsay, and Ben can come.”

“Do I have to sing?”

“No,” he says, shaking his head. Then he smirks. “But since it is Nathan’s night, I expect him to drag every last one of us up there at least once.”

I groan. “I guess that would be tolerable. It’s better than having to sing alone.”

He gestures to my cup with his. “Are you finished?” I nod yes. He takes it from me and throws them both away. “I’m going to walk you home.”

“My place is out of your way.”

“So?” He looks at me with raised eyebrows.

I narrow my eyes, and then nod. “Okay, if you insist.”

Chapter Eleven

Saturday, June 9th

“He walked you home?” Lyndsay asked in disbelief.

We are walking down the sidewalk at the Hamilton Outdoor Shopping Mall. The weather is cooler today than it usually is at this point in June. I convinced Lyndsay that it was going to be too hot the rest of the summer. She asked me how I knew that. I just rolled my eyes and told her that’s how it always goes. She humored me.

“Yes, he walked me home. What’s so unbelievable about it?”

“It’s not that it’s unbelievable. It just seems…never mind.”

I tap her arm. “Oh no, don’t you never mind me.”

She taps me back. “It’s nothing. I just think it seems interesting.”

“Interesting…that’s not vague at all.”

“Oh, come on, Adrienne!” she says, stopping to face me. “Can’t you see? There’s something more going on here. You should have asked him at graduation.”

“Why? Because he walked me home? He was just being a gentleman.”

“What about at the party last week?” she asks, staring me down.

I press my lips together, unable to come up with a reason. I still haven’t figured that out yet and I somehow doubt I will anytime soon.

She points her finger at me. “See, you know I’m right.”

“Maybe you are. Maybe there is something. But I’m not going to press the issue. Summer is only beginning. I have more important things to worry about.” I was implying my mom and my career but really meant Chevy’s dad. On the way back to my house, I asked him how it felt working with his dad and he didn’t have much to say about it. I got the feeling they weren't close anymore, which broke my heart more, knowing what was to come.

She rolls her eyes as we walk into a clothing store. “I still think you should do something about it.”

“I know you do.” I want to do something too. There's a special bond between us, and I feel like it could grow into something more someday. I just can’t risk it, not yet anyway. I need a little more time. “Besides, how can I focus on becoming a seamstress if I’m dating?” I say to her as a distraction.

Her eyes brighten. “You’re really going to do it?” I beam in response. “Oh, I am so excited now.” She bounces a little bit and claps her hands together. “You know what else? You wouldn’t even have to stop there. You could make your own line of clothes.”

I hold up my hand. “Whoa,” I say, feeling a little overwhelmed. “One thing at a time, Lynds. One thing at a time.”

“Okay, okay.” She puts her fingers to her lips. “There’s so much to be done. Where do you want to start?”

“I haven’t quite figured that part out yet. I need to go to the library next week and get some books on sewing. Spark some ideas better than scrunchies.”

“Yeah, I don’t think there’s a market for those anymore.” She strolls over to some hair accessories. “Looks like all we’ve got here are jewel-encrusted hair clips, fancy flower barrettes…” She gasps, picking up a jeweled headband. “Look at this.”

“Uh-huh…” It’s a headband. “And?”

She gives me a look. “Check it out, look at this design. You could make this.”

I take it from her and touch the beading on the fabric, lightly following the pattern with my finger. “This, no. Something like this, that is a possibility.”

She takes it and hangs it back on the hook. “No, my dear,” she says with conviction, “for you, the possibilities are endless.”

Chapter Twelve

Monday, June 11th

On Monday morning, I browse through books online to narrow down the ones I want to get from the library. I wanted to do this over the weekend, but I was afraid of my mom catching me. Instead, Kaitlin and I blitzed through seven more episodes Sunday night. She had finished her book and moved on to a new one about a girl who saves the president. I told her it sounded ridiculous but she informed me it was hilarious.

When Lyndsay gets back, I race out the door to stop by the library on my way home. I only check out a couple of books with the purpose of being able to tuck them into my purse. I also grab a fiction book for good measure. All of Kaitlin’s talk of books has me wanting to read for fun again.

My mom has me toss a salad when I get home. I combine the lettuce, spinach leaves, carrot shavings, and diced tomato into a bowl. As I toss, my mom talks.

“Paige started taking horseback riding lessons on Wednesdays, so now Kaitlin wants to take them. Maurice can drop her off after he gets home from work but it would be great if you could pick her up on your way home.”

“Oh, right,” I say quietly to myself. I say to Mom, “Yeah, sure. I can do it.”

“Great. I would do it, but she would have to wait awhile. I don’t like the idea of leaving her standing around by herself, or having Paige’s mom go out of her way to drop her off.”

I wonder if that is how they had to do it while I was gone. It makes me feel guilty. There were so many little things that happened because of me that I didn’t even realize until now.

She continues, “Kaitlin and I picked out a new color for her room. I’ll need you to stop by the hardware store to get the paint mixed. Maurice left the money for it next to the sample over there by the phone.”

I finish the salad and walk over to pick up the sample. There are two paint samples circled. The lighter shade at the bottom of the card, called Lovely Lilac, is the one I remember vividly. The other is a darker purple named Royalty. I rub my chin. “Um, which one? The top one or the bottom one?” I hold the card up for her.

She glances over. “The bottom one, hon.”

“Okay.” I pick up the twenty and say, “I’m going to go put this in my purse so I don’t forget it,” as I leave the room. I thought it was Kaitlin’s idea to make her room light purple. It never occurred to me that my mom would insist on a color different than the one Kaitlin wanted.

Kaitlin is sitting on her bed as I walk into my room. She is tightly curled up with her book. Her face appears gloomy. I go to her doorway and say, “Dinner’s almost ready.” She nods but doesn’t look up. “I heard about the riding lessons. That should be a lot of fun.”

She mutters what sounds like an “Uh-huh” to me.

I press my lips together. She should be excited. I would be. I have only ridden a horse once while out visiting my dad’s mom in Kentucky when I was eight. However, I know that’s not what is upsetting her. “Do you want to watch another episode tonight? I know we did a lot yesterday, but—”

“Yeah, sure,” she says quickly. “That sounds good.” She gives me a smile but I can tell she is forcing it.

Dinner conversation is mostly between my mom and Maurice. I interject a few things here and there but Kaitlin only says things like, “Pass the potatoes, please.” It doesn’t change much when we sit in front of the television later. She barely reacts to the jokes or the latest scandal going on in Orange County. I just want to chalk it up to her overreacting but I remember how I felt when mom insisted my room be a pale blue instead of forest green. I don’t mind the color so much now, but it wasn’t what I wanted.

Just like nursing wasn’t what I wanted, yet I was going to do it anyway.

That’s when I come up with a plan.

I go back downstairs after Kaitlin goes back to her reading. Mom is on the computer sending an email. “Hey, Mom. I’m trying to figure out what day would work best for painting. I was thinking either a Saturday or a Tuesday.”

“I don’t work this Saturday, so that might work.”

Drat. That won’t help. Time to move to Plan B. “I can’t this Saturday, I’m going out with Lyndsay and Ben and some friends from school.”

“I work the next Saturday, so how about…” she trails off to look at the calendar on the wall, “the thirtieth?”

“Um…” I have no excuses for that day yet.

Before I can move on to Plan C, my mom exclaims, “Oh, shoot! I almost forgot. Grandma’s coming into town on the twentieth.”

“She is?” Then a light bulb comes on in my mind. “I’m sure she would love to see it when she comes.”

“Yes, she would.” She taps her chin. “Well, I don’t see why you two couldn’t manage by yourselves. I think you’re mature enough to handle painting a room without making a mess.”

“Are you sure?” I ask, feigning disappointment. “I know how much you love to paint.”

“Yes, I’ll live.” She glances at the grandfather clock in the corner of the room. “I need to go remind Maurice about the visit.” She stands up and kisses me on the cheek before she leaves the room.

Step one? Check.

Chapter Thirteen

Wednesday, June 13th

As soon as I get to Lyndsay’s on Wednesday, I dig through the box of fabric. Trails of swatches cover a quarter of the living-room floor.

“Whoa! I didn’t hear a siren,” Lyndsay says.

“Siren?”

“For Hurricane Adrienne! What in the world is going on in here? Are you going to make some headbands?” She sits on the chair next to me.

“No, throw pillows,” I answer. “For Kaitlin.”

“Really? Oh, because you guys are repainting her room.”

“Yep.”

“What color?”

I smile. “Dark purple.” Then I find what I was looking for. “Aha! Got it!” I pull out the paint card to compare. The shade is a little bit lighter but it still matches. I show it to Lyndsay.

“Nice. I thought your mom doesn’t like dark colors.”

“She doesn’t but this is what Kaitlin picked out.” That's the color her room should be.

Her forehead wrinkles. “Huh.” Then she shrugs. “Never thought I’d see the day where your mom would be okay with something like that.”

“She’ll get used to it. Eventually.” It’s about time she does. The more comfortable she gets with the little things, the better she will be when she finds out about my career change. Not to mention making this pillow will be proof of my ability.

When they leave, I pull out the library book and open it up to the page I bookmarked. Perfect Frilly Pillow. Hmm…I need some fiberfill to fill the pillow and a lace trim for the edges. I set the book down and search through the box for both. I come up with only enough fiberfill for one pillow and zero trim that matches.

I lean back and sigh. I can’t drive to the store; I can’t be seen in the store. Maybe I could go later tonight. Wait, I have to pick Kaitlin up from her riding lesson. If I go tomorrow, I would need an excuse and nothing is coming to mind. It’s also not easy to sneak a bag of fiberfill in without being noticed. I don’t want to ruin the surprise for Kaitlin or raise questions from my mom.

My phone starts to ring. Who would be calling me while I’m supposed to be working? It’s Chevy. “Could you by any chance do me a favor tonight?” he asks me. There’s a hint of desperation in his voice.

Hearing it makes me want to ask him what’s wrong, but I opt for a more normal approach. “Sure, what’s up?”

“Nathan wants to go see a movie tonight. He invited Brian, and Brian asked if he could bring his girlfriend along.”

“Okay.”

“His girlfriend is Heidi.”

“Uh-oh.”

“I have no desire to be anywhere near her by choice, but I can’t not go. Nathan doesn’t want to be a jerk and un-invite him, so I told him I’d find a way to make the best of it. My solution? Invite a couple friends. That way I’m not forced into talking to either of them.”

“Where do I come in?” I tease.

“Funny…but seriously, would you be able to?”

Do you really have to ask? I think. Of course he has to ask. He doesn’t know how I feel. “What time? I have to pick Kaitlin up after quote-unquote work.”

“There are a couple showings starting around eight. I can stop by to pick you up around seven thirty.”

“Perfect.”

I can hear him breathe a sigh of relief on the other end. “Thank you.”

Suddenly, an idea hits me. “Don’t thank me just yet. I have a favor to ask of you.”

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, Chevy is pulling into the driveway. I let him in quickly and say, “Just let me grab my purse real quick.”

He just stares at me, his head tilted. Then he grins. “You may want to do more than just grab your purse, unless you want to stand out and be spotted.”

I frown and ask, “What?” Then I look down and realize I’m still in scrubs. I have gotten so used to coming over here wearing them to appear like I'm still going to work. It never crossed my mind while I waited for him to arrive. My face flushes. “Stand out could be an understatement. I forgot I was wearing this.” I bite my lip. “Give me a minute to find something to change into.”

“No problem.”

I run upstairs to Lyndsay’s room and search for something quick and easy to throw on. It's moments like these I am more than thankful we are about the same size. I put on a pair of jeans and a gray and white baseball tee. I pull my hair back into a ponytail and put on one of the baseball caps Ben gave Lyndsay. A quick glance in the mirror later and I’m running back down the stairs. “Okay, now I’m ready.”

He does a double take. “You look…sporty.”

I shrug. “All I could find. Plus, there’s a lower chance I’ll be recognized.”

“I was going to take you to the one in West Haven anyway.”

“Smart.”

He takes me to the fabric and craft store so I can get the necessary supplies I'm missing. Looking at all these supplies is sparking new ideas. It’s also reminding me of all the projects I could have been doing all these years. I brush the thought aside and focus on the present, and getting out of here quickly, for Chevy’s sake and my own. No need to bore him or waste time I need to make this.

As we walk out of the store, I thank him. He says, “You don’t have to. I'm more than happy to help.”

“Still, I wouldn’t want you to think I only want to hang out when I need something.”

He raises a hand. “I don’t. Besides, I asked you for something first.”

“That's true,” I say, smiling.

“That’s what friends are for,” he says, returning my smile.

On the drive back, I can’t help but think about those words, but specifically the one. Friends. Are we just friends? If we are, what we’re doing now seems strange. During the school year, we didn’t see much of each other outside of the classroom. Sure, we had our moments—groups at the pizza place, hanging out in the park or the mall—but it feels like there’s something more. Only he’s not coming out and saying it, and as much as I want to know, I don’t have the courage to speak up. Not after the first rejection. It’s not time.

Not yet.

I ask something else. “So, Heidi’s dating Brian, huh?”

Chevy sighs. “Yeah. She doesn’t know how to be alone.”

“How to be alone?”

“You know, always jumping from one guy to another.” He takes in a deep breath and slowly lets it out, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. “I used to feel like I constantly needed to be in a relationship. Looking back, it’s the only reason why she and I dated to begin with. And the reason why I stopped the cycle. I don’t want to waste my time dating just to date.”

What he says makes me wonder about his rejection. Was it a rejection or was he just being careful about relationships? Why couldn’t he have been up front about it instead? Then I would have known it wasn’t me. Wait. What am I saying? I still don’t even know if there is or could be anything between us. Nevertheless, I have to say that there is wisdom to his logic. “That makes sense,” I reply. “Why should you waste your time in a worthless relationship just to have somebody?”

“Exactly.” He gives me a smile. “Sometimes you need to be alone for a while, learn more about yourself. Then you’re ready again when an opportunity presents itself. Besides, I’d rather have a string of close friends than a string of ex-girlfriends. It might be nice to have somebody, but it’s better to be alone than be with the wrong person.”

I have spent plenty of time in between relationships to understand the feeling of not wanting to be alone. One thing I haven’t done? Learn anything about myself during those times. At least I'm starting to now. Better late than never. If Chevy is being alone on purpose, perhaps it is equally as important for me to be too, for the time being.

“Adrienne?” I turn to find him staring at me. The car is parked in Lyndsay’s driveway. When did we get back? “You drifted off there for a minute.”

I didn’t even realize how wrapped up in my thoughts I was. “Sorry. I was just thinking about what you said…I agree. Sometimes you need to be alone. Kind of like this summer is becoming for me, a learning experience. Discovering who I really am.”

He nods and looks down at the steering wheel. I lean in and ask, “Everything okay?”

He looks back, giving me a partial smile. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

He’s not telling me the whole truth, but I’m not about to get into another serious discussion. “Okay, good.” I look down at my shopping bag. “Well, I’d better get to work.”

“And I’d better let you get to work. I will see you later though.”

He may be masking something from me, but he’s not masking his eager anticipation for tonight. He’s not alone there. “Looking forward to it.”

* * *

Kaitlin comes bounding down the dirt pathway from the barn in her riding outfit. She hops into my car, beaming with enthusiasm. “Adrienne! Guess what?”

“What?”

“I love horseback riding!” She claps her hands together and squeals.

I let out a light laugh. “Really? I never would have guessed.”

She rolls her eyes but keeps a smile on her face. “The horses are so sweet. I could pet them for hours.”

“Who else is in the class?”

“Paige, of course, and also Mindy and Jaclyn.”

“Mindy and Jaclyn? Have I met them?”

She fiddles with the window until she gets it to the right spot. “No. Paige just started hanging out with them.”

Her voice becomes less animated upon saying that. Instead of continuing along that line of questioning, I decide to go back to the part she was happy about. “Tell me about the lesson. What did they show you?”

She proceeds to recount everything they went over during the lesson on the ride home and the walk into the house. I’m glad to see her excited for something. I didn’t know whether she enjoyed the lessons or not the first time around. I knew she quit in the middle of August right before I came back, but I never found out why. Considering what I’m hearing, I can’t see her wanting to stop. There must have been a reason. Could it have been Paige’s new friends? I wonder what it was.

* * *

“That movie was epic!” Nathan says, holding out his hand for a high five. When I oblige, he moves on to Roger and Chevy.

This is the first time I’ve been around Nathan outside of school. On the rare occasion I met up with a group of people from school, it would usually be just Chevy and sometimes Roger. Nathan seemed to be consistently involved in some extracurricular activity. Being around him for just these short few hours, I’ve come to learn that he is quite a character. It’s too bad he has to move away soon.

“What did you think, Sheffield?” Nathan asks, turning to him.

“It was good,” Brian replies, sliding his arm around Heidi to hold her closer. She appears to be enamored with her new boyfriend, although I’m sure she would have been all over Chevy if she didn’t have Brian. Chevy seemed slightly less concerned with the situation knowing he didn’t need to make small talk. It may have been a combination of that and having both Roger and me with him.

“So, who’s up for some grub?” Nathan rubs his hands together, raising his eyebrows.

I check the time on my phone, then press my lips together. “I would love to, but it is getting late.”

“Oh man, come on, Adrienne,” he pleads. “You know you want to.” He winks. I have to hand it to him, he has a gift of persuasion, along with a fun-loving attitude that causes you to want to have fun too. Unfortunately, I can’t be bought tonight.

“I’m sorry, Nathan, I promised I’d be home by eleven.”

Chevy speaks up, “As much as I love a good midnight run for waffles, I am her ride.”

Nathan throws up his hands in defeat. “Okay, fine.” He points at us. “But you two are missing out.”

We all say goodbye and Chevy drives me home. It’s quiet for a couple minutes until I break the silence with, “Sorry you had to leave early for me.” I run my fingers through my hair. I left it down for the first time since graduation. For some reason I wanted to look nice, even though I knew nothing was going to happen.

“Oh, that was fine. I wanted to go home anyway.”

“Did it bother you to be around her?”

He is silent for a moment. “Yes and no. Yes, because she is an ex, and being around an ex is always frustrating. No, because she doesn’t mean anything. I never should have dated her to begin with.”

If he believes that, then why did he? I know what he said earlier, about feeling the need to be in a relationship. Why her? Why not someone else? Why not me? I say, “Oh,” before realizing it was coming out. I lift my hand to my mouth, but it’s too late.

“Oh, what?”

“Nothing,” I say quickly, turning my head to the window.

“Oh, no you don’t. I know it was something.”

I peek back at him and find him staring at me. I look away again and sigh. “I just…I guess I can’t see dating someone when they don’t mean anything to you.” When I look now, he’s staring forward at the road. “I know what you said earlier but…I mean, it just feels so…pointless?” His expression remains unchanged. I press my face into my hands. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No, I was the one who asked,” he says quietly.

“But now you’re mad.”

He lets out a short chuckle. “I’m not mad. Just surprised by your straightforwardness.”

“It wasn’t my place to—”

“Adrienne,” he says, cutting me off. “You’re absolutely right.”

Huh? My head jerks up to look at him. “What?”

“You’re right,” he says, glancing over at me with a sad smile. “I was stupid, I admit it. I never dated a girl who meant something, because it was safer. Easier. It wouldn’t hurt if I lost her. No heartbreak.” He stops there as he pulls into a parking spot on the road in front of my house.

I look down at my hands. “I understand.”

“You do?”

I'm not sure what possesses me to, but I say to him, “I’m terrified of the same thing. It happened to me once and it hurt…a lot. I’m making sure it never happens again. But…I can’t always protect myself from getting hurt. Neither can you. One day you have to make a choice.”

“What would that be?”

“Either you don’t say anything, let them go on with their lives, or you speak up, risking it all regardless of the outcome.” I'm choosing the coward's way out, just like he was, hoping he would learn to take a risk someday. When our eyes meet, I want to say something now but he seems deep in thought. Something holds me back.

“You know what?” he says finally.

“What?” I ask.

“You’re so wise.”

I shrug. “I think I heard it on a TV show once,” I joke to lighten the mood.

He laughs aloud and I join in with him. His laughter trails off. “Thanks for coming.” He hesitates a second before reaching over to pull me into a hug.

“No problem.” I wrap my arms around him and hold on for as long as he lets me.

Chapter Fourteen

Saturday, June 16th

On Saturday, I am at Lyndsay’s lying face-up on her bed while she searches through CDs. It’s the first time we’ve been able to hang out since she started the job on Tuesday. She is enjoying it, but between that and the volunteer work, she is exhausted. I can’t help but wish I could work with her at the store. If only I wasn’t faking the other job, then maybe I could.

“How about this one?” Lyndsay asks, pushing play on her stereo.

“Cyndi Lauper? Pass.”

“It’s the perfect girl duo song! Come on!”

“Sorry, I’m not feeling it.”

“Spoilsport!” she yells, throwing a pillow at me.

“Ow!” I throw it back at her. “What can I say? It’s what I do.”

“You know, it’s been a long time since you sang by yourself. Nobody remembers it.”

I bite my lip. I don’t want to think about it. “I know.”

I can hear her let out a sigh. She knows not to push it. “Maybe I should just do a duet with Ben instead.”

“Like what?”

“We could always go with the classic Grease song.”

I groan. “Stop picking such typical songs.”

She throws her hands up in the air. “It’s karaoke! You’re supposed to pick typical songs. It’s an unspoken rule.” She skims through another pile of CDs and pulls one out.

I close my eyes. “I know, I know. I'd rather do something unexpected rather than the usual.”

She puts in a new CD. “Like what?”

“I don’t know. Something like Toto or Steely Dan.”

“Then you should do one of those. As for me, I’m going cliché all the way.” She pushes play and a Madonna song comes on.

I sigh deeply. “What time is it?” I ask.

“Quarter after eight.”

“Okay, good.”

“What’s so good about it? We’re late.”

“I know. I’m just nervous about singing.”

“I don’t think you have to be nervous. Chevy likes you just fine.”

I prop myself up on my elbows. “Where’s that pillow I threw at you a minute ago?”

She holds it up with a grin. “You need to stop fretting over it and consider it as a possibility. You know I’m right.”

“Why? He didn’t want to admit anything.”

“Neither have you!”

I scrunch up my nose and turn away to face a movie poster for The Lion King on her wall. That poster has been on her wall ever since she was a baby. The movie came out around the time we were born. It was the first movie her mom bought her and she wore that videocassette out until the VCR ate it a few months back. The next day, Ben bought her the DVD. “Maybe you could sing ‘Can You Feel the Love Tonight?’ with Ben.”

She brightens up for a second, and then narrows her eyes, tossing the pillow at my face. “Don’t change the subject.”

“You know I’m right,” I imitate, holding tightly to the pillow.

“You are right about the song, but I am so right about Chevy. He’s going to ask you out, and soon. I’d bet my life on it.”

“Don’t you dare bet your life on that,” Ben says from the doorway.

I stand up. “Watch it or she’ll make you sing ‘Can You Feel the Love Tonight?’ with her.” When his eyes bug out, both Lyndsay and I crack up.

He just shakes his head and says, “Come on, let’s go.”

We get to the coffee shop, The Caffeine Café, ten minutes later. It is more packed than I anticipated for a karaoke night. With nearly every beige chair taken, it is standing room only. There are clusters of people everywhere it seems. Perhaps more people like singing than I thought.

One of the baristas stands on the stage and says, “Next up, Nathan Wakefield with ‘Jailhouse Rock’ by Elvis Presley!” I clap along with everyone else. Nathan bounds up the steps to the microphone and starts to sing. His voice is amazing. He manages to sound like the original but with a personal edge to it.

We squeeze around the edge of the room to where Roger and Chevy are sitting. Chevy waves, scooting over on the couch for me to sit next to him. Since the couch is full, our legs are touching, causing butterflies to fill my stomach. Lyndsay and Ben sit down in the chair next to me. I lean over to Chevy and say, “He is beyond great at this,” nodding in Nathan’s direction.

Chevy nods in agreement. “I don’t know how he does it.” When the song is over, we all yell out some cheers as we clap. Nathan bows and doles out high fives on his way back to the couch.

He sits down on Chevy’s lap and says to me, “Which song will you be singing with me?”

Chevy shoves at Nathan. “Get off me, dude.” His words are a mix of anger and amusement.

“I will, as soon as she tells me which song.”

Chevy pleads, “Tell him. He’s crushing me.”

I laugh. “Um…” I close my eyes and tap my chin. “How about ‘It’s Still Rock And Roll to Me’ by Billy Joel?”

“Done!” He gets up and walks over to the sign-up sheet.

“Nice choice,” Chevy says, rubbing his hands up his legs to smooth out his pants. “Thanks for the quick response. I wish he wouldn’t do that.”

I grin. “You’ll miss him when he’s gone.”

“I will,” he says with a sigh.

Lyndsay taps my leg. “We’re going to sign up for one. Are you going to do any more than the one?”

I shake my head. “Doubt it.”

After they leave, Chevy turns to me. “You’re not going to sing more than once?”

“I told you, I don’t sing.”

He frowns. “Not even for me?”

“Maybe next time,” I say with a charming smile. It would take a lot to get me to sing a solo again, but he doesn’t know that.

He smiles back at that and lets it go. For the next hour, our group, along with the rest of the crowd, takes turns singing. I manage to keep myself together while on the stage with Nathan. Chevy tells me after that I did well, but I don’t believe he could hear me over Nathan’s voice.

A couple classmates stop in to say a quick goodbye to Nathan and wish him luck through the course of the night. Then a few minutes into the last half hour before closing time, Brian and Heidi come in. They stroll over and Nathan starts to talk to them. I tune them out to focus on the trio of next year’s seniors onstage singing to a Lady Gaga song. It isn’t until Nathan brings up a road trip with Chevy that I turn to them and ask, “Road trip?”

“Yeah,” he replies. “I have an internship to do in July at my uncle’s firm. Chevy offered to drive me to New York since I have no reason to take my car there. I’ll need it here when I’m home during winter and summer breaks anyway.”

“Oh,” I say softly as I nod. I shouldn’t be so concerned. It’s not as if I expect to spend every waking second with Chevy.

Chevy chimes in, “It’s only for a few days. It takes a day to get there, another couple to unload and sightsee, then another to get home.”

I mentally cross my fingers that he didn’t say that because he noticed worry on my face. “When are you leaving?” I ask.

“Monday morning, bright and early.”

I will be too busy making the final touches on the throw pillows and painting Kaitlin’s room to hang out with Chevy anyway. This should console me, but I still find myself a little anxious. I shake it off and say to Chevy, “I’m going to get something to take home. Did you want anything else?”

“No, I think I’m good,” he says as he lifts up his cup.

I head over to the counter and order a decaf coffee. I take the cup in my hands and walk over to the side table with creamers, sugars, and utensils. As I'm stirring the sugar in my drink, Heidi shows up beside me. “Hi,” I say to her.

“Are you and Chevy going out?” she asks bluntly.

I blink a couple times in surprise. She can’t even say “hi” back first before jumping straight to the point of her talking to me. “Not really,” I reply, tapping the spoon at the side of the cup. It’s not an outright lie and, at the very least, it saves Chevy from dealing with another possible pursuit. When she narrows her eyes, I continue, “Besides, what does it matter? You’ve got Brian now, right?”

“Yes, I do,” she says, lifting her chin in the air.

I smile and nod. “Okay then,” I say as I walk away. I can hear her huff behind me. Stifling a laugh, I'm still smiling when I get back to the couch. Chevy and Roger are off to the side talking intently about something. I look to Lyndsay and Ben. “Time to go?” They nod. Nathan begs us to stay longer. “Ben has a long drive home from here,” I explain.

“That’s right, you do, don’t you?” He shakes Ben’s hand. “Take care of your girl.”

“Will do,” Ben says. “Good luck at Columbia.”

Nathan hugs both Lyndsay and me, telling us he'll see us again over Thanksgiving break.

Chevy notices us getting ready to go and steps over. “You’re leaving?”

“Yeah, it’s getting late.”

He nods. Then he leans in, all serious, and whispers to me, “Everything okay? I saw Heidi corner you.”

His concern is touching. I whisper back, “Nothing I can’t handle.”

“All right.” He seems relieved. Then he hugs me, and whispers in my ear, “I’ll give you a call when I get back to make plans for the song you promised to sing to me.” He's grinning when he pulls away.

“I said maybe.”

“I’ll get a yes out of you one day.”

I should feel nervous at the idea, but I just chuckle. “Okay, I look forward to it.”

Chapter Fifteen

Tuesday, June 19th

Tuesday morning arrives quickly despite my nerves. What possessed me to defy my mom by painting Kaitlin’s room the wrong color? I shouldn’t be nervous, but I can’t back out of the plan now. I have come too far to turn around. My mom will get over me painting Kaitlin’s room the color she didn’t want.

Won’t she?

I shake my head as a sudden wicked chill causes me to shiver. I get back to finishing taping the edges with painter’s tape. I just had a close call when my mom wanted to see the paint cans to make sure the color was mixed properly. I assured her they were, and when she insisted, I mentioned that she would be late for work if I pulled them out for her to see. She didn’t persist in it after that and headed out the door. I breathed a sigh of relief then, but the nerves remained the same.

As soon as I see Mom’s car leave the driveway and head up the road, I sneak into the garage and pull the paint cans out of my trunk. When I set them down in the middle of the floor on the plastic next to the rollers and trays, Kaitlin walks in. She is wearing my old overalls over a white T-shirt. I crack open the lid and she gasps. “What’s wrong?” I ask her.

Her eyes are wide. She clutches the buckles on the overalls tightly. “This isn’t the right color,” she says with a shake of her head.

I make a point to look at them closely, pretending to deliberate over what she said. “No, it’s right,” I say finally.

She shakes her head firmly. “No. It’s supposed to be lilac.”

“But, this is the color you picked,” I state matter-of-factly. “Right?”

She blinks a few times. “But your mom picked the lilac one.”

“But you picked this,” I repeat, pointing.

She swallows audibly. “But…this is the wrong color,” she insists.

She is obviously afraid of upsetting my mom. Who could blame her? This house has always been a representation of great interior decorating, all of my mom’s creation. She takes pride in her home. Nothing out of place, nothing out of order, everything flowing throughout. This color undoes years of matching each room. No more will all of the walls in this house be some shade of pastel. This could very well create a disturbance in the household.

I finally tell her, “No, Kaitlin, it’s not the wrong color. You wanted dark purple, and that is what you’re getting.”

She still doesn’t seem convinced. “But…but your mom will freak out.”

“So? You let me worry about that. For now, we’re making this the room of your dreams.” She starts to open her mouth to protest some more, but I hold up my hand to stop her, and smile. “Come on,” I say, pouring the first can into each tray. “I’ll take the edges on the wall with the windows and door, you take the other two.” I hold out the tray to her. “What do you say?”

She hesitates a second, then picks up a brush. She smiles. “Let’s do it.”

* * *

A few hours later, we're finished and subsequently famished. Changing out of our paint-splattered clothes into something clean, we make a late lunch. I take the dirty clothes and toss them into the laundry while Kaitlin stirs the tomato soup. After we eat, we start the second season of The O.C. We're so caught up that when my mom and her dad come home from work a little early, it catches us by surprise. I shoot up in my seat when my mom says hello.

“Hi, Mom,” I say as calmly as I can.

“You seem shocked to see me.” She sets down her purse on the end table and gives me a kiss on the forehead.

“Not really, just a little too into the show to realize it wasn’t real.” I try to laugh, but it trails off into silence.

Maurice sits down next to Kaitlin and puts his arm around her. “I gather today went well.” Kaitlin nods enthusiastically in response.

“Well, then,” my mom says, pleased. “Let’s all go upstairs to take a look, shall we?”

“No!” I say jumping up.

“Why not?” my mom asks, baffled. Her eyes narrow slightly, as if she is expecting something went terribly wrong.

“It’s just…Kaitlin and I were talking earlier and thought it would be fun to do a dramatic reveal when Grandma comes tomorrow night. You know, the whole closing your eyes and opening them when we turn on the light thing.”

Her shoulders slump in disappointment. “I suppose I can wait one more day. It’s not like I don’t already know pretty much how it’s going to look.” I cringe internally and manage an appreciative smile. So far, so good.

Chapter Sixteen

Wednesday, June 20th

The next day, I'm on pins and needles waiting for it to end. I want to get home and get everything set up, including the throw pillows. I had put the finishing touches on them earlier today, and now I can’t wait to give them to Kaitlin. The big reveal is going to be just as much of a surprise for her as for the rest of them. I have hidden them in a large shopping bag in my trunk so that Kaitlin won’t see them when I picked her up.

Since there is strength in numbers, I even convince Mom to invite Faith and Lyndsay as well. It's their mom and grandma, too, after all. It puts the nerves slightly at ease, but only slightly.

Once we get back home, Kaitlin and I move the furniture back where it belongs. When she goes to the kitchen to help her dad start dinner, I sneak out the back door and around the house to my car to get the pillows. I manage to set them up on her bed without her coming upstairs.

I go back down and help them make dinner, since my mom is picking up Grandma at the airport. Faith and Lyndsay show up around the same time as they arrive, so we all are able sit to down for our meal together. It has been a year since we have all sat down to a meal together. It's difficult juggling our different schedules between work, school, and discount airplane tickets.

Grandma wants to hear all about the job at River’s Bend, so Lyndsay and I take turns talking about it, her a little more than me. Grandma doesn’t notice my lack of stories. After I help put dishes into the dishwasher, she says, “So I hear we’ve got a new room to view.”

Kaitlin and I exchange a glance. She has a little bit of worry in her eyes, but I flash her a smile to put her at ease. “There is,” I say slowly.

“Well, come on, let’s have a look-see.” We all make our way up the stairs. My heart is beating rapidly, and I want to cross my fingers but can’t. As if it would make a difference.

I push Kaitlin to the front and tell her to do the honors. It is her room after all. She smiles shyly and puts her hand on the knob but hesitates. She is still worried about the reaction. When I nod to her, she opens the door and clicks on the light.

Her room has been transformed into a palace.

The dark purple encases the room in a royal glory. It bypasses the lilac by miles with its deep hue. The throw pillows match the walls, and the gold edging just adds to the regal effect. Overall, it turned out greater than I imagined.

I'm not the only one who thinks so. As everyone peers into the room with wide eyes and an open mouth, smiles start to emerge. Grandma is the first to speak. “Land sakes, my dear, this is elegant.”

“This is such a beautiful color, Kait,” Maurice says.

Lyndsay gives me a thumbs-up.

“You have impeccable taste,” Faith says as she gives Kaitlin a side hug.

I don’t make eye contact with my mom. I am still terrified of the reaction myself. Knowing she won’t make a scene with company doesn’t stop the possibility of a death stare. Her silence is making me wary.

Kaitlin is speechless. She stares into her room at her bed and the two pillows. She looks at me. “Where did you get the pillows?” she asks with bright eyes.

“Oh,” I say nonchalantly, “I found them at a boutique. One, well, actually, two of a kind. There weren’t any others left.” I didn’t want to lie again but I know if I say I made them, they will want to know when. We don’t have a sewing machine here, and the times I'm at Lyndsay’s are the times I'm supposed to be elsewhere.

“You two sure know how to decorate a room,” Grandma says with a smile. She turns to my mom. “I can see you’re rubbing off on these two, Joy.”

I cringe, expecting the worst.

“You’re absolutely right, Mother. I taught them well.”

My eyes widen as I finally look to my mom. She has a kind smile on her face.

Maurice declares, “Looks like the next step is to pick out new bed-sheets to match the wall and new pillows.”

“Really?” Kaitlin asks with a bounce. Maurice nods. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” she says as she hugs him tightly. Then she turns and bolts over to me. Her arms wrap around me just as tight, and she says, “Thank you so much for the pillows. I love them.”

I melt at her words. Who knew how much an insignificant thing such as paint color would affect this? I had imagined her being happy. I had imagined her being grateful. I didn’t imagine this. It's all I can do to hold back the tears.

I squeeze her back and say, “You’re welcome.”

Chapter Seventeen

Wednesday, June 27th

My mom hasn't said a word about the color switch since the room reveal. In fact, I even overheard Grandma tell my mom later that night that she was proud of her for allowing her stepdaughter to choose her own color. I think Grandma's words may have struck a nerve, in a good way, letting my mom know how important it is to let the little things go. As obsessive as my mom is about her house, I like to believe she has come to terms with it better than I thought possible. Talk about a sigh of relief.

I also haven't heard from Chevy yet. He promised he would call when he got back. He should have been back Thursday night, or Friday if he got a late start. Maybe I shouldn’t be too concerned. He could just be busy with work, or his phone died, or…I don’t know what else. I tried calling him Tuesday but it went straight to voicemail without ringing. I shrugged it off, thinking that maybe he turned it off while working. The same thing happened later when I tried again. I asked Lyndsay what I should do. She told me not to worry and that he'll call me back when he can.

Easier said than done.

As I walk up to Lyndsay’s house Wednesday morning, Faith is standing in the doorway to greet me. “Guess what?”

I look at her apprehensively as I step inside. “What?” I ask slowly.

“A coworker of mine saw your pillows and now she wants some of her own.”

What is she talking about? “Wait, what? How did she see them?”

She deviously smiles. “I snapped a few photos of those pillows before we left last week and shared them with the girls at work. They all thought they were adorable. When I told them my niece made them, they were floored. They kept saying how you are so talented.” She smiles proudly. “One of them is in the process of redecorating her master bedroom. She said a couple of your pillows would be a perfect accent.”

I wave my hands in front of her to stop her. “Hold on, let me see if I’m understanding this correctly. Somebody wants me to make something for them?”

She nods.

A sewing project I will be paid for? When I started this endeavor, I imagined it taking a little bit of time before it goes anywhere.

I beam. “This is great! What kind of pillows does she want?”

“She said she liked the style of the ones you made, only her colors would be deep red with black trim. She’s going to email me some pictures of the room as a reference.”

“How much is she going to pay?”

When she tells me, my jaw drops.

Faith laughs at my reaction. “Don’t be so surprised! We need to go to a craft show sometime. That is pretty much the average.”

Shows how much I know about these things. I was expecting maybe half that. “Thank you, Aunt Faith. This is just great.”

The rest of the day is spent in planning the pillows. In the excitement of my first sale, I start to plot out more ideas. They begin to flow out, a new wave of creativity at my fingertips. I had no idea how much I would love designing and sewing things myself. The stuff I made when I was little was fun but it's different now. Different maybe because I’m older and have a better sense of color and design.

When it becomes time to go home, I take the long route so I can drive by Chevy’s house. Upon seeing his car in the driveway, I am relieved he's home safe. Part of me is a little hurt that I haven't heard from him since he's obviously home. I'd like to stop in but I don’t want to come across as needy. I've already left him a couple voicemails and one text message, and even that many feels like too many.

Chapter Eighteen

Saturday, June 30th

I'm about to give up hope.

Upon opening my eyes Saturday, I have zero motivation to do anything. I can’t work on my project. I can’t go to the store for material until tomorrow. I lay on my bed browsing through fashion magazines. At least I can work on ideas.

It’s mid afternoon when the doorbell rings. Since no one else is home, I have to get up to answer it. Why does this have to happen when I’m comfortable? I trudge down the stairs to the door.

I'm not prepared to find Chevy standing on the other side.

After a week of wondering where he was, here he stands in front of me.

I must have been staring for a while because he raises his eyebrows and says, “Adrienne, are you going to let me in?”

I blink a few times, shaking myself out of the shock. “Of course,” I say, holding the door open so he can step in. “I’m just surprised to see you here.”

“I could imagine,” he says. “Could we go somewhere and talk?”

This takes me aback, but I nod. “Sure,” I say as I lead him upstairs to my room. On the way up, I wonder what it is that he wants to say. His presence after being away is creating a new kind of nervousness inside of me. I pick up the mess of magazines strewn out to make room for us to sit on my bed.

Once he sits, I ask, “What is it that you want to talk about?”

He is quiet for a moment. “I guess, first of all, I’m sorry I didn’t call you back. If I could have called, I would have. I’ve been grounded.”

“Grounded? What happened?”

He lets out a sigh. “To put it plainly, I was irresponsible. I spent an extra day in New York and, instead of calling my parents to let them know, I just showed up a day later. I didn’t think anything of it. I mean, it was only one day, right? When I got home, I was reamed out. My mom was worried and my dad was pissed because he needed me to work. ” He holds out his hand and touches his index finger. “They took away my phone.” Then he touches his middle finger. “They took away my car.” Then he touches his ring finger. “And I wasn’t allowed to leave the house unless it was for work.”

“That’s no good.”

“I know. They lifted the grounding this morning. I have my phone back, and obviously, I can go places again. But I don’t have my car since my dad has the keys and he’s not home.”

Doesn’t have his car? Then that means... “Wait…did you walk here?”

“Yeah.”

He could have just called. He could have even sent a text. “You didn’t have to come all the way over here to tell me this.”

He squirms a bit. “Maybe for that. I have something else to tell you. Or ask you.” He shakes his head. “I guess I just need advice.”

Something isn’t right, and while I am concerned, part of me is touched that he wants my advice. “I’m listening,” I tell him.

He carefully weaves his fingers together in front of him and leans forward. “That night I came home, my dad left the house after yelling at me.” He presses his lips together. “He came home drunk. It wasn’t the first time he has done that—getting mad and drinking—but it has become more frequent. That time was the first time he went somewhere to drink and drove while drunk, though.”

At hearing his words, it suddenly feels as though something has struck me in the chest. Nothing could have prepared me for this. I look away from Chevy at the wall in shock at this revelation.

Drinking. Drunk driving. Car accident. Death.

All this time I was imagining a car accident that was just that—a car accident. All this time I was thinking I just needed to make sure he didn’t drive that night. Never did I stop to think there could have been a reason, that something else could be the cause of it. That must be it. This has to be it. It’s the only thing that makes sense. Nobody told me any other details. Maybe nobody wanted to disclose that information. It all makes sense now.

“He’s been out almost every night since,” he continues, leaning back. “Two days ago, he knocked a couple things over on his way into the kitchen. He was in a rage over something, we never found out what. He just walked out of the room and crashed on the living-room couch. My mom is concerned but afraid to say anything. I want to say something but I have no idea what, or if it will make a difference. I’m afraid it's just going to get worse. I don’t want it to escalate any further. He’s my father, and I love him.” On impulse, I reach out and cover his hand with mine. He looks down at it, then up at me. He says, “I wish there was something I could do. Something I could do to change all of this around.”

There is something I can do to change this around. I have been given the chance to make a difference. Of all the things I am changing, this one is by far the most important. I know what I need to do. “Have you ever thought about an intervention?” I ask.

“An intervention?”

“Yeah, an intervention,” I repeat. “Where you gather up all of his loved ones and together you convince him to get help. Sometimes it has more of an impact on a person when they see the effects of what they’re doing to the people that mean the most to them.”

“I don’t know,” he says, letting out a long breath. “It sounds like a great idea, but I don’t even know how to do one.”

“It shouldn’t be too hard. I mean, on TV they usually just gather friends and family together along with a mediator who’s there to keep everything together.”

He holds his free hand out. “I’m not sure if he’ll even listen.”

I can hardly blame him for being skeptical. Day in and day out seeing his father like this. It’s hard to believe you can tackle something as big as alcoholism without a negative outcome. “That’s possible, they don’t always produce results. But that doesn’t mean that it won’t. You can express how much he is hurting you and your mom. In turn, when he hurts his family, he is ultimately hurting himself. If he feels any sort of remorse, he might be willing to make changes… At the very least, it wouldn’t hurt to try.” I don’t want to see Chevy go through it again if I can help prevent it. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make sure he does not have to face the pain of losing his father to something he hated.

He stares off again, taking in my words. “I think…I think you’re right.”

“You do?”

“Yeah.” He turns to me. “We have to at least try. If he doesn’t listen, we'll know we have put forth the effort to make things better. Maybe he doesn’t realize what he’s doing to us.”

I lightly squeeze his hand. “Finding out you have inflicted pain on somebody you love causes a person to rethink everything they have said and done.” The memory of the hurt in Chevy’s eyes at the cemetery that day flashes in my head. He appeared to be too mad at me to care at that point. Part of me wonders if that were true. “I’ve been there.”

“Yeah, me too.” He puts his arm around my shoulder, pulling me close. “Thank you,” he whispers. Then he gets up and stands in front of me. “I’m going to go home and talk to my mom about it.”

“Sounds like a good idea.” Rain begins to spatter on my window. “Uh-oh. I can’t let you walk home in this. You’ll catch a cold. Let me drive you.”

He waves me off. “I’ll be fine. I made it over here in one piece, didn’t I?”

“Yes, but it wasn’t raining then.”

“You’re not going to stop until I give in, are you?” I shake my head no. He throws his hands up and smiles. “I guess you win.”

On the way to his house, I suddenly remember my car's air-conditioning. It has started to become less and less cool over the last week, just like it did before. By August, it had stopped working entirely and I couldn’t handle driving in the heat anymore. No reason to let it happen again. “I don’t know if you noticed or not, but my air conditioner isn’t as cold as it could be.”

“Oh yeah, I can tell.”

“How easy is that to fix?”

“Not too difficult. Probably just needs to get recharged.”

“Could you help me with that? I would pay—”

He holds up a hand. “You don’t need to pay me anything to do that.” He smiles at me. “Were you coming up with ideas?”

Ideas? Does he think I’m making up an excuse to drop my car off like Heidi? “What?”

“Before I came over.”

Oh. I let out a sigh of relief on the inside. “Yeah, I was browsing through some magazines. Getting a feel for the latest colors and trends.”

“Are you going to start making clothes too?”

“No. At least not yet. I actually had somebody request a pillow order yesterday.”

“Really? That’s great!”

“Yeah, it is.” I pull into his driveway. I reach over and squeeze his hand again. “Let me know how things go with your mom…or if you need any help with anything.”

“I will,” he says, still holding my hand. “Thank you again.”

“You're welcome. You know I'm always here.”

He smiles. “I'm glad you are.”

Chapter Nineteen

Friday, July 6th

I go about the rest of my week systematically. Sunday, I get material, lace, and trim at the fabric store and drop it off at Lyndsay’s. Monday, I work on the first half of the project and help with dinner. Tuesday, I do all of my chores and watch three more episodes with Kaitlin. Wednesday, I finish the pillows and pick Kaitlin up from her lessons.

Chevy sent me a handful of messages to let me know how things were going. His mom was reluctant about the intervention but when he convinced her how important it was, she gave in. They got in touch with a mediator and member of Alcoholics Anonymous. The two of them started to get in touch with people they want to come—his older brother, Seymour; his father’s brother and sister and their families; a couple of his father’s college friends.

He sent me a message Thursday afternoon that said, “Everyone will be here soon. Wish us luck.”

So I do, and ask him to let me know what happens. I remain nervous for the rest of the night awaiting the response. Did they convince John to get help? Or did he refuse? I do everything I can do to distract myself. Dusting all the shelves in my room, cleaning my windows, organizing my desk and folders.

Chevy never sends a message.

I’m surprised I managed to get to Lyndsay’s this morning remotely functioning, especially with the high state of worry I am currently in.

“Adrienne, you need to calm down,” Lyndsay tells me. “He will let you know as soon as he can. If he trusted you enough to tell you this to begin with, there’s no way he would keep you out of the loop entirely.”

“You’re right,” I reply, giving in. “I know he will. I barely got any sleep last night because of it.”

“You’re losing sleep?”

I handed out too much information. She doesn’t realize how serious getting John to quit drinking is. I shrug it off and say, “I guess I’ve been more anxious than usual lately with the whole career change thing. Adding on one extra stress makes me think too much and worry about the future.”

“You know what you need?” she says as she jumps up off the couch.

“What’s that?”

“A weekend away. You said you wanted to spend time with your dad, right?”

I have been so caught up in everything else that I completely forgot about my promise to him. I did send him a short email a couple weeks ago with a small update. Maybe I should drive down to visit him. “Yeah, that would be a good idea. Probably not until next week though, since I’m taking my car in.”

She holds her hands in front of her face, tapping her index fingers together in contemplation. “I have to work early shift tomorrow while Ben has the late shift. Maybe we could have a girls’ night. You know, like old times. We can paint our fingernails and toenails, have a movie marathon, and stay up until four in the morning.”

“I could go for a throwback to the good old days.”

* * *

I pull into the parking lot for The Auto Stop near closing. I go to the lobby and ask for Chevy. The receptionist tells me to wait a minute and she will get him for me. I sit down in one of the old chairs. The television is playing a black and white show. I see Chevy come in out of the corner of my eye and say, “Is this standard for every car repair shop?” as I point to the TV.

“Yeah, we have a VHS tape in the other room playing the same two episodes in a continuous loop.”

His voice sounds hoarse, almost as if he swallowed sandpaper. When I turn to him, his bloodshot eyes and posture show he had little or no sleep. “Chevy, are you okay?” I ask as I run over to him and touch his arm.

He faintly smiles. “I’m…hanging in there. I didn’t sleep.”

My heart sinks. “He’s not getting help, is he?”

He shakes his head no. I close my eyes to hold back the tears. When I open them again, I know he can see them watering. “Hey,” he says with concern, reaching out to lift my chin. “It will be okay, Adrienne. He’ll come around. We’re not giving up yet.”

I nod, swallowing back the tears. “Okay. I just hate to see you like this.”

“Don’t worry about me.” He touches my arm with a smile. “Now, where’s your car?”

“I parked it off to the side. Here’s the key.” I hand it over.

He closes it in his hand. “It won’t take me long. I should be back in here in fifteen or twenty.”

A few minutes after he leaves the room, John walks in. I freeze in place, not sure what to say or do. He takes one look at me and stops. “You waiting for someone to help you?”

“No, I’ve already been taken care of.”

He furrows his brow. “You look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?”

“I’m a friend of Chevy’s.” He grunts and turns to walk away. Before he turns the corner, and before I can even think, I blurt out, “I want to know why.”

He stops in the middle of his step. “Why what?”

Why did I speak up? What am I thinking? I ball my hands into fists. “Why you won’t get help.”

He slowly turns to face me. “Help?” he asks brusquely.

“Yes, help. Chevy was trying to help you.”

He flares his nostrils. “Young lady, I don’t see how it concerns you. Now if you’ll excuse me—”

“No! Don’t you dare walk away from me!” I shout. His eyes widen in surprise at someone daring to talk back to him. Before he can regain his composure, I continue. “It does concern me because Chevy is my friend. You should care what he says. You want to know why? Because he is your son,” I point to him, “and he loves you. He's asking this of you because he doesn't want to lose you. He cares too much about you. He's giving you a second chance at life. And trust me, a second chance is something you don't want to throw away.” I take in a deep breath. “If you cared at all about your family, you wouldn’t be doing this to them. Stop being a selfish coward and take advantage of this second chance, because if you don’t…you may not get another one.”

His jaw drops as he stares at me. I'm afraid of what he might say now that I have run out of words. I run past him and out the entrance. Safely away from him around the corner, I lean against the side of the building and breathe slowly to calm down my racing heart. The adrenaline took over when I yelled at him. What came over me? I have never yelled at somebody like that before. Then again, I’ve never had a good reason until that moment.

Heart now at a steady pace, I look for Chevy. He is standing by the entrance, looking for me. When he spots me, he asks, “Are you all right?”

I'm not about to explain to him what happened inside. So I just tell him, “Yeah, I'm fine. I just saw your dad and had to get out of there.”

Based on the look on his face, he knows I’m lying. He just nods and doesn’t press the issue, probably because of how exhausted he is. “Well, you’re all set. Let me know if it becomes less cool over the next month. I can always recharge it again if needed.”

“Thanks,” I say as he hands me the keys. “Are you sure I can’t do anything to repay you for this?”

“Actually, there might be something. They don’t need me for anything else today, so I’m going to skip out early. I could use a ride home.”

I nod. “Sure.”

We drive to his house mostly in silence. Before he gets out of the car, I hug him tightly. He holds on for a very long time. If he didn’t have to leave, part of me believes he wasn’t planning to let me go. The other part of me disregards that thought, and I head home to spend the rest of the evening in my room crying it all away.

Chapter Twenty

Saturday, July 7th

The next day, I decide to walk to Lyndsay’s instead of drive because I need the exercise. I have been spending most of the summer driving places. When I walk up the driveway, I can see her peek out the window blowing on her fingernails. Her hair is slicked back into a high ponytail. Dropping my bag, I stand with my hands on my hips and yell up, “Hey! I thought we were going to paint our nails together.”

“Chill your britches, dear! We are! This is just a base coat, not color.” She waves her hands up and down. “Come on up. I have everything set up. You won’t believe how many hundreds of shades of pink I have.”

“Do I have to use pink?”

“The sooner I get rid of the pink, the better.”

“Why do I have to suffer with it?”

“Just pick up your stuff and get up here!”

She wasn’t kidding about having everything set up. She has a bunch of pillows and blankets all over her bed. There's also her old mini plastic picnic table set up in the middle of the room with all the nail polishes. Fifty percent of them are pink, from hot pink to light pink; the remaining half consist of a wide variety of purple, red, and glitters. She also has a stack of movies sitting next to the table.

She sees me eyeing the pile. “I wasn’t sure what kind of mood you would be in, so I picked out several childhood movies, some comedies, and some chick flicks. We could marathon a genre, or mix and match.” She sits down at the table.

Setting down my bag and sitting down across from her, I realize how lucky I am to have her in my life. There was so much wasted time before, and now I have these moments to experience. The simple pleasures. I smile at her, saying, “You’re the bestest friend in the whole wide world, you know that?”

“Yes, I do.” She picks up one of the medium pinks, then hands over the clear to me. “Now, bestest friend in the whole wide world, it’s time to paint some nails.”

Our marathon of movies consists of childhood classics: My Girl, Now and Then, and, yes, The Lion King. During “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?” she suddenly begins to belt out the lyrics in a high-pitched voice and we both end up on the floor rolling around in laughter.

It takes my mind off yesterday, but only momentarily. What I said to John plays like a bad song over and over again.

Unfortunately, my mind cannot be stopped like a song can.

Chapter Twenty-one

Sunday, July 8th

As I walk down the road to go home in the afternoon, I start to wish I had driven, with the heaviness of my bag weighing me down. I try to convince myself that walking was a good idea but I can’t find a solid argument for it. The sound of a car slowing down next to me catches my attention. I don’t think much of it, imagining it might be someone wanting to ask for directions. When I look, I am met with a surprise.

It’s Chevy.

“Hey,” he says. “Need a lift?”

I tap a finger to my mouth and say, “Sure, why not?”

He stops and opens the door across the console for me. “Let me get that,” he says, taking my bag from me and putting it in the backseat. After I buckle up, he starts to drive again.

“So what are you doing out driving today?”

“I was on my way over to your house.”

“You were?”

He nods. “I have something to tell you.”

“You do?”

He chuckles. “Are you going to question everything I say?”

“I don’t know, am I?” I say with a grin.

“Apparently.” He pulls into my driveway and puts the car into park. He clears his throat and turns to me. “My dad is getting help.”

My jaw drops and I stare at him in disbelief. That was the last thing I was expecting to hear him say. “He is? Wait, how…when…what happened?”

“He came home late Friday night. We thought he had gone out to drink again. Turns out, he got in touch with an old acquaintance of his who went to Alcoholics Anonymous. This guy convinced him to come along to the meeting with him that night. So he did. He has been sober since Friday night. And he wants to stay sober.” Chevy’s eyes begin to water.

It takes a lot of willpower to keep from bursting into tears myself. I can’t believe it. I take his hand in mine and squeeze it. “Oh Chevy, this is wonderful news. Just wonderful.” More wonderful than he can even imagine.

“I know. I still can’t believe it.”

“What changed his mind?”

He shakes his head. “He didn’t say.”

Part of me wonders if he didn’t want to admit he got a verbal lashing from an eighteen-year-old girl. If John won’t tell Chevy, I am going to respect those wishes. I turn to the house, and then back to him. “Want to come in? I can get you something to drink.”

He reaches back for my bag. “Actually, I am kind of thirsty.”

We walk into the house and I take my bag from Chevy and place it on the stairs. My mom walks down the hallway. “Did you have fun, sweetie?” She sees Chevy next to me. “Oh, hi,” she says, half surprised.

“You remember Chevy, right, Mom?” I ask.

“Of course, you’re Noreen’s son.”

“I am,” he says.

“Chevy was driving by when I was walking home and offered me a lift,” I explain.

She warmly smiles at him. “Well, that was very nice of you to do that.”

Chevy smiles. “My pleasure.”

My mom stares at me with raised eyebrows, hoping for an explanation. I don’t have boys over at the house, unless it is along with other friends. I only dated a couple of boys briefly in my freshman and sophomore years, and dating consisted of hand-holding, note passing, eating lunch together, and sneaking a few kisses. My mom knew about these boys but she never formally met them. I have a feeling she can sense something. Better change the subject before it's brought up.

“So, I was just going to get him something to drink before he leaves,” I say as I tug at his arm, leading him to the kitchen and away from my mom. I manage to stifle a laugh as I pour him a glass of water. I can feel her eyes through the walls. I lean back against the counter and ask, “What’s next for your dad then?”

“We’re working on getting all the alcohol out of the house for starters. He'll be going to the meetings every week and will get a sponsor. Other than that, we’ll just have to make sure he is staying on track. He wants us to keep him in line anyway.”

“You think you and your mom can handle it?”

He shrugs. “I hope so. Seymour's going to stay here for the rest of the summer before going back to college.”

“Oh, he is?”

He nods. “He was able to get the time off from his summer job for it.”

“That’s good then. Your father has a lot of support.”

“Yeah, he does,” he says, looking me in the eye.

I blink a couple times but shrug it off. “What are you doing for the rest of the day?”

“Go back home, help Mom and Seymour out with the things we need to do.” He looks at the clock on the wall. “I should probably go back soon.”

“Let me walk you out.” I take the glass from him and place it in the sink. As we walk through the living room, my mom is nowhere in sight. I wonder where she snuck off to since she isn’t nearby to eavesdrop. When we get to his car, I say, “Thanks for letting me know. And if there’s anything I can do—”

“Adrienne,” he says, cutting me off, “you have already done so much.”

“Not really.”

He gives me a look. “You’re the one who convinced me we needed to talk to him. When you’re in the middle of it all, sometimes you lose sight of what you need to do. I’m grateful I had a friend on the outside that could help us get to this place.” He taps on top of his car with his knuckle. “I think at this point, I still owe you.”

“I doubt that, but we can argue about this another time.”

“Deal.” He reaches out and pulls me in for a hug. “Thank you, again.”

He is holding me so tight and close, that I can hardly find the words to say. I barely utter, “You’re welcome,” before letting him go.

Upon reentering the house, I find my mom sitting on the living-room couch going through some papers. Drat. I completely forgot about the look she gave me. She looks up and says, “You never told me if you had fun.”

“Of course. We watched movies and did our nails like we used to. It was nice.”

“I’m glad you had a good time.” She goes back to the papers. I stand in place for a couple seconds then decide to grab my bag and go upstairs to my room. Just as I'm about to reach the stairs, she stops me with, “Is there something going on between you and Chevy?”

I slowly turn around. She is looking me right in the eye, as if she could probe me for information that way. “No, we’re just friends.”

She nods, and then looks back down at her papers. “I was just wondering because it seemed like something. Maybe my eyes are playing tricks on me.”

They aren’t, I think. “I’ve just been helping him with a family thing.” I waver a second on whether to say anything but decide to just tell her the truth. “Chevy asked me for some advice last week. His dad is…well, he’s an alcoholic. I suggested they hold an intervention, and they did, and his dad just decided to get some help. That’s why he came over. He wanted to tell me the good news.”

My mom looks back up at me with wide eyes. “Oh sweetie. I had no idea his family was dealing with that.”

“I didn’t either until he told me.” I bite my lip. “I don’t think too many people know about it though,” I add.

She half smiles. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.” She sets her stuff down and comes over to give me a hug. “I’m glad to see Chevy has a good friend like you to help him through this. Alcoholism can tear families apart. I’ve seen it happen to a few people over the years and it’s not pretty.” She pulls away. “Anyway, it's great he’s willing to do something. That’s the hardest part.”

Yeah. It is.

Chapter Twenty-two

Friday, July 13th

At the end of the week, I have reached a breaking point in monotony.

Monday, Faith asks if I want to come with her and Lyndsay to the nursing home to hand deliver the pillows I made. “Karen is excited to see them, and to meet you.”

I internally cringe at the idea of setting foot in there again. I don’t want to sound like a baby. It almost seems childish, to be afraid of going into a nursing home because the smell makes me nauseated, but it is the truth. I can’t deny that it terrifies me. I take in a deep breath to regain my composure. “Could you give them to her for me? I can probably meet her another time. I just…I don’t know if I can go.”

Faith understands. “Of course.”

She comes home that day with a check from Karen. “She absolutely loves them. She sent this with me, along with her thanks.”

I knew it was coming. I knew how much I was getting. Yet, it still did not feel real until I saw it with my own eyes.

My first sale.

It's exciting to reach that goal, even though it's still just the beginning. I know what I want to do next. I found a pattern for making cute purses. Back when I first saw it, I couldn’t do it because I didn’t have enough cash from my chores to buy the supplies to get started. The fabric from the box in the attic can only go so far, especially with some of the colors being slightly too bizarre in pattern. Although, it may not be a bad idea to incorporate vintage-like items into the mix.

I manage to sneak in a trip to the store for my supplies on Tuesday, and get straight to work on the project Wednesday. Once I build up a decent amount of finished products, I can start putting forth the effort into sharing them with stores. There's an antique and craft commission place a couple towns over I can start with. I have only been inside there a couple times but I know if I bring some of these things in, they're bound to give me a small section to display and sell my items.

Chevy sends a couple messages to let me know how things are going. They took away all the alcohol that was in the liquor cabinet and kitchen. John seems to be handling it okay, although it has been rough these few days not drinking. Apparently, he has been a bit more irritable than usual, but that is to be expected when you take a vice away. They can’t be with John at all times, but he doesn’t seem to be falling off the wagon when they see him.

It fills me with hope. It also fills me with anxiety, knowing we haven’t gotten to the moment of truth yet. It's easy to stay away from alcohol for a few days or even a week. From what I've read, the real test of willpower is when you go beyond that. Until he does, I won’t be able to rest easy.

Thank goodness for all of the distractions I have. Kaitlin and I keep plugging away on finishing The O.C. by the end of summer. She and I have been getting along great, although I still feel those moments where we are still worlds apart. I’m not sure what she is holding back, what is going on in that head of hers. Her horseback riding lessons haven’t stopped yet. She still loves it. If only I could figure out what keeps her at a distance.

* * *

Later that evening it hits me: I am halfway through the summer. I should be feeling good at this point. I have made it through half of this rerun. For some reason, I am feeling uneasy and I can’t figure out why. Am I not succeeding in what I set about to do? Some things are heading in the right direction but most of them are undetermined. Am I doing what I need to do? Am I missing something? Am I forgetting something? I close my eyes for a minute to think things over. Nothing new comes to mind, and everything that has already been done appears to be the best I can do. I still feel like something more is needed.

It is times like these when I wish I had someone to talk to.

I need to get my mind off this, stop dwelling on these details. Lyndsay is out to dinner with Ben for their nine-month anniversary. One thing you never do is encroach on a couple’s anniversary date, not that I would want to, no matter how much I want to get out of the house.

Kaitlin is having a sleepover at our house. I could stay in with them, but I don’t want to be the older stepsister getting in the way and end up stuck in my room all night. Besides, I need some air. I spend too much time indoors when it's summer. I should be outside, breathing in fresh air, smelling flowers, lying in the grass. I suppose that last bit sounds a little boring. It’s not. Spend five days mostly indoors and tell me lying in the grass doesn't sound good.

I would get in touch with Chevy but I don’t want him to feel like I'm smothering him. Right now, his family needs him and I respect their need for some space. There are many things to sort out.

After eating dinner with the family and Kaitlin’s friends, I excuse myself to take a walk. I put headphones on and set the player to a playlist of music from the eighties. I head up the street toward the park and stroll around the paths for half an hour until I settle on a bench overlooking the pond. I sit there with my arms around my knees, taking in the sights. There are some ducks walking around at the edge, some actually on the pond. A few people walk by, some with their dogs. I barely register anything other than the music tiptoeing through my mind.

I close my eyes, trying my best not to think about anything. It's hard not to when all of your problems and mistakes are what encompass your whole existence in this point and time. I may be making progress but I'm still walking a fine line. I could slip at any moment. I could fall. I could lose everything I have worked for up until now. It terrifies me to think like that, but it is the reality. I have spent weeks focused on doing the right things in the right ways because all I want is to be optimistic. Life was so pessimistic the first time around, I wanted this time to be different. Is it going to be different?

Before I can think more about it, I open my eyes and become aware of somebody sitting on the bench next to me. I nearly jump up until I realize who it is. Chevy. He is staring intently at the pond. I pull the headphones off and ask, “How long have you been sitting there?”

“Not long,” he says. Something about his voice is removed.

“What are you doing here?”

“I needed to get some air.”

“Same here.” When he doesn’t say anything else, I say, “Are you okay?” He shakes his head. “Do you want to talk about it?”

He shrugs. “Have you ever had one of those moments where your life felt like it was falling apart?”

My mind flinches at the reality of his words. “Yeah, I have.”

“What did you do?”

“I cried my eyes out and wished for a second chance.”

“Did you get one?”

I hesitate but decide to answer him honestly. “Yes, but I don’t know what I did to deserve it.”

He gets quiet again, but I give him a moment to speak. “My dad had a relapse,” he finally says.

My heart stops. “When?”

“Yesterday.” He scratches the back of his neck. “Apparently, he used to hide alcohol in his office and not just get it from the cabinet or refrigerator. We found a bottle of vodka buried in his desk drawer.”

I have been so worried something like this would happen. The last thing I need right now is for him to go back to the alcohol and then into that car again. “Oh no.”

“Yeah. He says he’s committed to this, and then he lies about this.” Chevy balls his hand into a fist and taps his leg. “What if he’s still lying and there are more bottles hidden around the house? Or at work? Or he sneaks over to a friend’s house?”

If I thought I was worried, knowing what I know, it is probably much worse for Chevy not knowing what could possibly happen. “Hey,” I say as I scoot closer to him. “You can’t do this to yourself.”

“Do what to myself?” he asks, turning to face me.

“Go over all the what ifs and torture yourself.” Like I keep doing. “He knows how important this is, but you have to realize that addiction is hard to break. Old habits are easy to fall back into at times. It’s like when people quit smoking and to ease themselves out of it, they keep lollipops around to keep their hands and mouth occupied. Unfortunately, lying is a side effect of alcoholism.”

“I know that, but why couldn’t he just have been honest up front?”

I sigh. “I wish I knew the answer to that.”

“Me too.”

“Look,” I say, looking him right in the eye. “Your family will get through this. It’s going to take some time. These things don’t just happen overnight. You can’t follow him everywhere to make sure he's not drinking. You have to trust him. Be there for him. I’m sure he’s upset with himself over the relapse.”

“Yeah, he was.” He sighs. Then he puts his arm around me. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Adrienne.”

I touch my hand to his hand on my shoulder. “Likewise.” It's strange. I used to get a fluttery feeling inside whenever he touched me. Sitting here with his arm around me doesn’t feel like that anymore. It feels like the most natural thing in the world. “You want to go home?”

“No,” he says as he shakes his head. “I would like to just stay here for a little bit, if that’s okay with you.”

“Of course it is.” I relax beside him and we sit there for a moment in the stillness of the park. When a light breeze passes by, a memory from the end of junior year comes to me.

My mom was getting married in a month and I was going crazy dealing with the last-minute wedding preparations, not to mention the fact that Maurice and Kaitlin would be moving in very soon. Headaches were standard for me by the time I got to school. By the time last period arrived, I was dreading going home. I had my head in my hands when Chevy sat in his seat next to mine.

I hadn’t even realized he was there until he said, “You know, if you don’t cheer up, you’ll cause a tornado in Kansas.”

I peeked over at him through my hand. “Isn’t that supposed to be a butterfly flapping its wings?”

“No, it’s when pretty girls are sad,” he stated matter-of-factly. “It also makes me sad too. That’s why they call it the chaos theory.”

“You’re lying,” I said, fighting the smile that wanted to appear over him calling me pretty.

“It’s true.” He had the straightest face on. “You can look it up in any encyclopedia and it will say, ‘When a pretty girl is sad, the possibility of a phenomenon like a tornado will occur.’”

I finally broke down and laughed.

“See. That’s better. Now the wind will blow peacefully through the trees,” he said with a smile.

His ability to cheer me up with something so improbable was the sweetest thing. That sweetness about him made me even more smitten, but now that I think back on it, it was the beginning of something more. Before, I was just infatuated. After, it was blossoming into more. Now? It's no longer a feeling with no basis.

It's something much deeper.

Chapter Twenty-three

Saturday July 21st

Instead of worrying about smothering him, I check in with Chevy every day from that moment on. He wants me to be there, as a friend at the very least, and I'm determined to be such. John is getting a better grip on sobriety since the relapse. It causes a slow sense of relief to come over me, not to mention thankfulness. Of course, he’s only been sober one week again, but I'm trying hard to be optimistic. I was given a second chance and I will not let the same thing happen all over again. The more positive I am about it, the more likely things will turn out the way they should be.

Right?

I call my dad up to see if I can come for the weekend soon but only hear his voice on the answering machine. I leave a quick message just telling him that I miss him and hope to see him soon. He's probably working overtime; that's what he did most of the time I was there. Considering it's Saturday afternoon, I may not hear back from him until Sunday evening at the earliest.

I'll be meeting up with Lyndsay, Ben, and Chevy for pizza later tonight. I wish I could spend the time finishing my latest project, a matching wallet and billfold set, but that has to wait until Monday morning. Instead, I pull Kaitlin from her latest book and we watch a few more episodes together.

Ever since the sleepover, she has become distant again. When I asked her how it went, she was very brief in her response. She said that it was a lot of fun but her tone indicated otherwise. All I can think of is that maybe she and Paige had a little fight and then made up later on. If it was anything serious, I doubt she would even be in the mood for a TV marathon.

* * *

“Have you got any stories from work to tell?” I ask Lyndsay and Ben. I take a sip out of my glass of pop. The pizza place is busy tonight, which is not surprising since it's a Saturday night. Luckily, we got there early enough to get a booth before they were all taken.

They share a knowing glance. Ben says, “Oh yeah.”

“Do tell.” I gesture and take the last bite of my third slice of pizza.

“A five-year-old kid ran through the whole store up and down the aisles. Then he proceeded to grab a candy bar and run out the door.”

“Oh man,” Chevy says. “Did he get away?”

“No, one of the gals saw him bolt and chased him down. Apparently, he was with his mom at the Laundromat next door. She gave him a dollar to get a candy bar from the machine but when she turned her back, he left and came to our store. She apologized profusely and gave us the dollar.” He chuckles. “I think the kid was just bored out of his mind having to sit around for a long time. I always hated those times when the washer broke and we had to go there.”

Chevy says, “I doubt you’d have run through a grocery store to take care of the boredom.”

“I might have.” When we all laugh, he adds, “Come on, I had a short attention span back then.”

“So did I,” Chevy says. Ben gives him a high five.

Lyndsay and I give each other a look. “I think it’s a boy thing,” I whisper.

She nods. “Yeah, I think you’re right.”

Ben shakes his head. “No, it’s…” Then he shrugs. “Maybe it is sort of a boy thing. It’s kind of hard for me to know if it’s a girl thing.” He points to the last piece of pizza. “Anyone want this or is it mine?”

“You can have it,” I say with a sigh. “I’m full.”

Chevy waves it off too. “All yours, buddy.” He didn't eat much tonight. He has been thinking about his dad a lot lately and I know he is worried. I am a little more worried about Chevy at the moment. There has to be something I can do to cheer him up. Wait a minute. It’s Saturday night. At the coffee-house, it's karaoke night.

I'm going to sing for him.

As Ben finishes the last slice, I speak up, “So, where are we going next?”

“I haven’t a clue, darling,” Lyndsay says as she shuffles through her purse. “You have something in mind?”

“Maybe,” I say with a sly grin.

Chevy looks at me curiously. “What is it?”

“I'm thinking…it’s time for me to make good on a certain karaoke promise I made awhile back.”

When I wink at Chevy, he gets a big grin on his face. “Really?”

“Would I joke around about something so important to you?” I ask, tilting my head.

He smirks. “Okay then. Let’s go.”

* * *

As we walk up to The Caffeine Café, there is a flutter in my stomach that reminds me of the last time I sang alone. I shiver. Chevy notices and asks, “Are you cold?”

I shake my head. “No, I’m fine.”

He looks at me in a way that feels like he wants to ask something else, but he doesn’t.

Once we get inside, it becomes apparent that tonight is not karaoke night. A band is up on the stage playing a bluesy song. A wave of relief washes over me, along with a twinge of guilt. I did make a promise, after all. I turn to Chevy. “I don’t think you’ll be getting your song tonight.”

“Yeah, I don’t think so either,” he says with a frown.

“Do you want to go or should we stay?”

“We can stay for a little bit. I like jazz and these guys sound pretty good.”

Lyndsay says, “Well, I’m going to get myself an iced coffee. Anyone else want something?” We both shake our heads. “Okay, come on Ben.”

While they go to the counter, Chevy and I walk over to an empty table and sit down. The song ends and everyone claps. When the next one starts, it's a slow song. A couple stands up and goes to the open area in front of the stage to dance. Chevy leans over to me with a hand out. “Want to dance?”

I smile. “I suppose it is the next best thing to singing.”

“Agreed.” He takes my hand and leads me to the dance floor. With his arms around me as we sway to the mellow jazz, I can’t help but wish this moment would never end. Somehow, it does seem to go on for a long time. Maybe it's because I am trying so hard to imprint it on my memory so that it never fades away. Maybe it's because it does go on for a while.

Maybe it's because I'm falling hard for this boy.

Chapter Twenty-four

Saturday, July 28th

Mom calls me downstairs sometime in the middle of the afternoon the next day. Her voice carries a cheery tone that makes me think it has something to do with nursing.

I am partially right.

She left to get some groceries a few hours ago. I noticed it took her a little bit longer than usual but I figured she got to talking with someone she knew. That happens a lot when we go places. What she actually was doing with the extra time was unexpected.

She got me school supplies.

By school supplies, I mean everything I could possibly need for college. Notebooks of all sizes, every possible writing and highlighting utensil, binders and folders…the list could go on forever. I stand there agape and racked with guilt. Here my mom is putting forth all this effort to send her only daughter off to nursing school, the one thing she has been looking forward to even before I existed. And here I am completely going against her wishes by pursuing something that may not get me anywhere in life. I'm not worthy of this kind of treatment.

She says, “I needed to pick up a few things for Kaitlin, so I thought I should kill two birds with one stone. I wasn’t sure what you needed, so I figured I would just get you a little bit of everything. If you don’t need it, we can return it, or I could use it. Or you can even save it for next semester.”

I almost cringe at the word semester. I never signed up for any classes this fall. Whenever Mom would ask about it, I would just tell her I've got it all taken care of. Since my dad had set up a checking account for college, it wasn’t that hard to convince her. She must have come up with the supplies as an afterthought and decided not to ask me since I wasn’t giving her any details anyway.

What was I thinking when I started lying? I can’t let this go on much longer. The first semester starts in one month. I don’t deserve these supplies. I’m not going to use these supplies. I don’t know what my life is going to be after my semester off. I don’t know what is going on with my sewing projects yet. I don’t even know what I want to go to college for when I do start going. And didn’t I say something about working for a few months?

I don’t know what is happening to me, but it's entirely my fault.

My mom is now staring at me. “Adrienne, honey…is everything all right? You haven’t said a word.”

I blink a few times. “Sorry, I'm just in shock. I can’t believe you did all this.”

“I just want to make sure that you were prepared for everything. What do you think? Did I overdo it?” The expression on her face is akin to the pride a parent would have if their child were accepted into Harvard.

Despite the remorse running through my veins, I don’t break down and tell her the truth. I keep seeing her face from the day I first disappointed her. It still haunts me. I don’t know how I am going to tell her. I'm beginning to think I made a mistake by quitting. It is probably just the guilt talking, since the idea of nursing still makes me feel a bit nauseated.

I push a smile through. “No. You didn’t overdo it. Thank you, Mom.”

Kaitlin walks into the kitchen and sees all the supplies all over the counter. Her eyes widen. “Did you buy the whole store?”

Mom chuckles. “No, sweetie. I got some stuff for you and Adrienne for school. Oh!” She holds up a finger and reaches over to pull a book out of one pile. She hands it over to Kaitlin. “I found this as I was browsing through the books today and thought of you.” It's one of those cutesy animal photo books featuring horses.

The way Kaitlin looks at it seems like disbelief. “Oh, thanks,” she says unenthusiastically. She gives my mom a smile and leaves the room.

My mom stands there unsure of how to take Kaitlin’s words. She sighs. “I thought she would like it.”

“She did.”

She shakes her head. “I don’t know how to relate to her sometimes.”

“I bet it’s just the fact that it is school supply shopping time again already. It happens earlier and earlier every year.”

“You’re probably right.” I know she is trying to hide it, but I can see the hurt in her eyes. It's hard for me to witness the struggle she faces trying to be the mom figure in Kaitlin’s life, especially since Kaitlin has never really had a mom figure.

I help her put all the supplies out of the way to free up counter space for making dinner and then go upstairs.

I peek into Kaitlin’s room to find her looking at the horse book and I smile. “Hey,” I say. “Is everything okay?”

She jumps at the sound of my voice, and then quickly sets the book aside. “Yeah, everything is fine.”

“Doesn’t sound like everything is fine to me.”

She presses her lips together. “I don’t want to take lessons anymore,” she says quietly.

There it is, the answer to her reaction to the book and one of the moments I have been expecting and wanting to get to the bottom of. Finally. “Oh,” I say, pretending to be surprised. “Why not?”

“I just don’t want to.”

“Huh.”

“What?”

“Well, it just seemed like you were really into it the first few weeks. I’m surprised to see you not want to go.” I shrug. “I mean, you love horses, don’t you?”

She absentmindedly touches her fingers to the cover of the book. “Yeah, I do love horses.”

“It just doesn’t make any sense why you would quit doing something when you love it.”

She purses her lips and leans her head back against the headboard. “I guess that wouldn’t make any sense.” She sighs. “Fine, I’ll think about it more before I quit.”

I give her a half smile. “That’s good.” I am glad I was able to convince her to keep going, since I know it does make her happy. I know something is wrong though. Something is going on there that is making her unhappy, although I have no idea what it could be. I wish she would just tell me what it is. Maybe I could help her.

If only she would let me.

Chapter Twenty-five

Wednesday, August 1st

John has been sober for twenty days, which is a record I hope he will be continuing. Chevy has been spending more time with him after work. Whenever he talks about his father now, I can hear the smile in his voice. Things are improving. They are not perfect by any means, he is still struggling with his addiction, but they are improving. It’s day by day.

As of the end of today’s efforts, I have now stockpiled several items that I have created. I have six purses, six wallets, and six billfolds. Three sets are made with a pink and purple swirling pattern, and the rest are with a blue and brown polka dot pattern. I'm very proud of them and can’t wait to get them in that store.

When I pick Kaitlin up, she is definitely not herself. She doesn’t say much of anything to me. Later on, she tells her dad that Paige isn’t taking riding lessons anymore, so she doesn’t want to. Maurice tells her that it's fine. She's not telling the truth, I can tell. Even though she and I have been getting along so well, I still have some lingering doubts that she will open up if I ask what is going on. Not only that, but who am I to question what the truth is when I can’t own up to it myself?

While I gaze at the ceiling, the ringing of my phone breaks through the reverie. “How am I going to balance everything?” Lyndsay says frantically.

“Huh?”

“How am I going to balance everything?” she repeats. “Sure, I’m going to get a reprieve for the two weeks before school starts. But how about when school starts? How am I going to fit everything in?”

“What’s everything? Don’t you just have school?”

“No. I’m still going to be working at the store.”

“Oh,” I say in surprise. “I thought it was just a summer thing.” I have gotten better at pretending as if I don’t know what is going to happen. Although it sometimes sounds a little fake when I think about it later on in my head.

“That was the original plan but not anymore. I can’t afford to pay for school without some sort of income, Adrienne. Especially after I went to the bookstore and found out I’ll be plunking down three hundred dollars on textbooks.”

Crap. I forgot about textbooks. Mom is going to be asking me about that at some point. She'll probably want to see them too. I could just say I haven’t gotten them yet, but she would freak out since it's so close to school starting. Or maybe…I could just tell her the truth? I rest my free hand on my face in frustration. “I’m sorry, Lynds.”

She sighs and mutters, “Sometimes I wish I could just skip it all and become a nurse’s aide instead.”

Faith wouldn’t care if she did that, but I know Lyndsay would regret it in the long run. “You could do that, but that's taking the easy way out. You and I both know that you aren't one to back down from a challenge.”

“That might be true but between classes, studying, and working, I'm not going to have any free time. When am I going to see you or Ben or my mom?” she whines.

“You’ll see us.”

“No, I won’t!” Her sudden anger causes me to jolt. “I’m going to be too tired to go anywhere because I will be up all night reading and studying and if I would be able to spare a moment you guys will think I’m a party pooper because I’m exhausted and don’t feel like doing anything fun and you won’t want to be around me anyway!”

Whoa. I don't remember her being this upset. “Lyndsay,” I interject before she can continue. “You need to calm down.”

“Calm down? I can’t calm down!” she snaps.

I need to diffuse the bomb. “Yes, you can,” I say in a steady voice. “Just for a second. Take in a few deep breaths. And listen to me.”

She takes in a deep breath, as I asked. “Okay, I’m listening,” she says, clearly aggravated at my request.

“I understand where you’re coming from. I'm not in the same predicament as you but I'm still undecided about my future. That is never a good thing in this career-driven world. We all need to work to pay the bills. For most of us, it requires some sort of education. For some of us, it requires some sort of job to pay for school. But it doesn't mean that we'll have no life outside of it.”

“Why does it feel like it?”

“Because this is all brand new to us. It's overwhelming to think about the future when we don't know what will happen. We imagine the worst things and assume that's how it's going to be.”

“So I'm overreacting?”

“Maybe. Look, this is just the first semester. You've always been smart and capable of handling yourself in stressful situations.”

“I guess so. But what about hanging out with everyone?”

“We'll find a way. We’ve been able to this summer, haven’t we?”

“Yeah, we have,” she concedes with a sigh. “You’re right, Adrienne. I’m just thinking too much.”

“And I thought I was the only one who did that.”

“Yeah, right.” She lets out a nervous chuckle. “Speaking of your future, when are you going to tell her?”

“Soon.”

“Not soon enough.”

“I know. It’s even worse since the supplies.”

“This is why you need to tell her.”

“I will as soon as I establish something. I am going on Saturday to Hidden Treasures. Once I do that, then I can tell her and explain what I’ve been doing in the meantime.” Maybe it will soften the blow. Maybe. It's hard to tell. “Let’s just hope she’ll let me have a spot.”

“I don’t see why she wouldn’t. Especially once she sees your work.”

“I’m glad you believe in me, Lynds.”

“I have no reason why I shouldn’t. I may not think this whole charade is the greatest of ideas given the way your mom feels, but I do believe that you can achieve anything you set your mind to.”

“Same goes for you with classes and work this fall. If you can handle the volunteer job and the store work now, you can handle anything else life throws at you.”

“I hope so.”

Chapter Twenty-six

Friday, August 3rd

On the drive home from Lyndsay’s, I am giddy with excitement for two reasons. I have only one more week of driving over there and tomorrow I'll be pitching my creations to a commission store. The excitement is coupled with a little bit of nerves. This next step means I'm finally heading down the road of something more than just a hobby. It also means I'll have to tell my mom all about it.

Those nerves make me still want to wait.

What if I tell her and my purses don’t sell? What is my next step? I have no backup plan. I have only a little bit more money to spare to create something new. After that, I am up a creek without a paddle.

I push those negative thoughts as far away as I can. No need to worry about it tonight.

When I get home, my mom is in the kitchen preparing dinner. She must have gotten off work early today. “Hi, Mom,” I say as I walk in.

“Hi.” Her reply is short, without a trace of cheerfulness. She is not looking at me, or smiling.

Something is wrong.

I have a bad feeling about this.

I take a deep breath and ask, “How was your day?” Maybe if I pretend everything is all right, it will be.

She lets out a breath. “You know, it was going very well. Then a friend of mine came by around noon to take me out to lunch. Her name is Denise.”

Denise. Where do I know that name? Oh no. The receptionist at the nursing home. I grab hold of the counter to brace myself.

“She and I used to work together,” Mom continues. “It was about ten years ago when I was still working at Sunnyvale. Now she works at River’s Bend. But you already know that, don’t you?” She looks at me for a response.

I press my lips together and nod slowly.

“We got to talking about the good old days and what has been going on in our lives. I started to talk about River’s Bend. I told her I thought it was great that they allowed you and Lyndsay to volunteer over the summer. I mentioned how much you have been enjoying your time there. She asked me what your name was. When I told her, she said you haven't been there. I told her that she had to be mistaken since you haven’t missed a single day.” She taps the spoon on the edge of the pan and I jump. “I decided to call over there because there was no way you haven’t been there all summer. Turns out, I was wrong.”

My whole body stiffens. My throat starts to tighten. My pulse speeds to a dangerously high level.

The secret is out.

It’s over.

“So,” she says curtly as she looks me in the eye, “could you please explain to me why you haven’t been there?”

I swallow the lump in my throat before I speak. “When I went there the first day, I started to panic.”

“Panic? About what?”

“I was…I was having a panic attack. I almost passed out in the hallway. Faith found me before I did and took me to another room. When I thought about what happened, I began to wonder whether maybe it was a sign.”

She narrows her eyes. “What kind of sign?”

I let out a sigh. “A sign that nursing was not the career for me.”

She closes her eyes. A slight flaring of her nostrils sends a chill up my spine. “Adrienne,” she says slowly, “why did you lie to me?”

“I was afraid of how you would react…”

“And you thought lying to me for two months would be a better idea?”

“No…”

“What have you been doing all summer?”

“Trying to figure out what I want to do…”

“Wait a minute,” she says, holding up her hand. “What about college? What did you sign up for?”

I bite my lip. “Nothing.”

“Nothing?” Her eyes bulge out. “You’re not going to college?” Her voice is nearly reaching the yelling stage.

“No, I’m taking a semester off.”

She sets the spoon on the counter and throws up her arms. “This is just unbelievable. How could you do this to me?”

Upon hearing those words, something snaps in me. Something very unlike me but before I can stop, it comes out. “To you? What about me?” I yell. “I have spent years having nursing shoved down my throat. I never had a single second to think for myself, much less think of anything else. If I had told you I didn’t want to be a nurse, you would have had this same exact reaction back then. I didn’t want to hear it. I have the right to make my own decisions now. I am an adult.”

She stands there with a hand on her hip. She presses her lips into a firm line. “You certainly aren’t acting like one. Deceiving me and not going to college? What about that is adult?”

“Aunt Faith didn’t go to college and she seems to be doing just fine.” As soon as the words come out, I know they're a mistake. It’s too late anyway. It doesn’t matter what I say or do now, my mom won’t care.

The anger flashes over her face. “I should have known. Where else would you learn to do something so irresponsible? I ought to give her a call and tell her I don’t want her bad influence near you.” She walks over to the phone.

“She didn’t cause any of this. I made the choice myself. And you know what? I'd do it again. Why? Because this is what I want. And you can’t change my mind. That’s what bothers you the most, isn’t it?”

“Young lady, I have had enough of this. I can’t even look at you anymore.” She turns away and points toward the stairs. “Go to your room until dinner is ready.”

“I’m not hungry,” I say, even though my stomach is grumbling. I grab my purse and pull out my keys.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“Doesn’t matter where. I just can’t be here right now.” I spin around and rush out of the house. I whip out my phone and quickly text Lyndsay to warn her that the cat is out of the bag in case my mom’s next move is to call her or Faith. I start my car and speed down the road. I drive toward her house but realize when I am almost there that she is working. I head over to Chevy’s instead.

As I walk up the sidewalk, I realize the parallel of this moment to when Chevy showed up on my doorstep. It's weird when things work out like this.

He answers the door with a surprised look on his face. “Hey, what's up?”

“My mom found out and it got ugly.”

His eyes widen. “Uh-oh.”

“Yeah.” I bite my lower lip and look down. “I just needed to get away from there. Can I stay here for a bit?”

“Absolutely,” he says, holding the door open for me. “Have you eaten yet?” I shake my head. “Then you're just in time for dinner.”

He leads me through the living room to the kitchen. His mom is pulling a casserole dish out of the oven. When she sets it down on a placemat, she notices me. “Oh, hi.”

“You remember Adrienne, right, Mom?”

Noreen smiles. “Of course I do. It is nice to see you, dear. Are you staying for dinner? I made chicken noodle casserole and green beans.”

Chevy leans over, whispering, “The green beans are excellent, she puts cheese on top.”

I grin. “That sounds delicious,” I tell her.

She smiles again. “Chevy, set a place for Adrienne, would you? And go tell your brother it’s time to eat.”

As Chevy pulls out the dishes, John comes into the room. When he sees me, he freezes, and so do I. Then he smiles. “I see we have a dinner guest.” I smile back.

A few minutes later we are all gathered in the dining room and eating dinner. John’s demeanor is far different from that day at the car shop. He isn't confrontational or gruff. Although his voice has a slight rough manner about it, he is calmer when he speaks. Noreen seems different too. I look back at how she held herself on graduation day and can tell she is more relaxed. Also, it has been awhile since I have seen Chevy so animated. So…happy.

To think that one hour ago I wanted to cry over messing everything up. Now I want to cry because I put something else back together.

Everybody talks about their day, and Seymour asks me what my plans are for the future. I explain my idea of taking a semester off to work in the real world. I am surprised to see none of them flinch in response. I suppose it's due to my upbringing, but now that I think about it, Chevy’s family isn’t necessarily well-to-do. Who is to say I can’t live off a simple job?

Before I leave, I tell Noreen, “Thank you so much for letting me stay for dinner. It was delicious.”

“I’m just glad you were able to come. I don’t get to see too much of Chevy’s friends. It’s nice to have one of them over here for once instead of him off wandering with them.”

Chevy rolls his eyes. “Roger was just over here yesterday.”

“Yeah, for five minutes.” She looks at me and shakes her head. “Kids.” I chuckle at her motherly humor.

“Okay, time to go,” Chevy says as he gently pulls me toward the door. Just as we are about to reach it, I look back and make eye contact with John. I can sense he wants to tell me something but he can’t with Noreen standing next to him. It would give it all away. It takes everything I have inside not to break down. I give him a smile and nod once to let him know that I know what he wanted to say. What did he want to tell me?

Thank you.

Chapter Twenty-seven

Saturday morning, August 4th

“You know you can’t hide from your mom forever.”

Leave it to Lyndsay to jump to the point. I have managed to avoid speaking to my mom since the blow-up. Once dinner at Chevy’s was over, I went to the coffee shop and stayed there for the rest of the night until close. Instead of going over the argument in my head again and again, I got out my sketchpad and started coming up with new ideas. When I finally got home, it was eleven and I went straight to my room and closed the door. Then this morning, I went straight from my room and out the door to come here.

I make a face at her. “You do realize this happened less than twenty-four hours ago, right?”

“True. I just wanted to make sure you don’t fall into some sort of crazy robot state where you just mindlessly go from place to place to accomplish your career goal.”

“I know. I'm going to need some time because she needs time to cool off. Not just for me, but also for your mom. It's only a matter of time before she gets on that phone and calls her up. If I have learned anything from this, it is that I have done very little this summer to prove I can have a career in something else. That’s why this,” I point to the purse pile, “is my current focus. I made the plan to go today; I am going to follow through no matter what has happened in the meantime. This fight is temporary.” I hope, I add to myself.

She nods. “Okay, I understand.” Picking up one of the purses, she asks, “You want me to tag along? I wouldn’t mind browsing around a cute little crafty gift shop. As long as I won’t be in the way.”

“Actually, I could use the moral support.” There is a slight tightening in my stomach from nerves, even more so than before, with how much is on the line. I don’t want anything to get in the way of fixing these mistakes. I only have a short amount of time to make things right with my mom. I know I shouldn't base my whole future on what happens today.

Somehow, it feels like it does.

* * *

Mary Ann of Hidden Treasures is a bubbly and sweet woman. Upon showing her my purses and wallets, her eyes light up. “These are just adorable! Let me get you a form.” She bolts into the room behind the front counter.

When I first walked in, I had a good feeling about this place. Mary Ann had this enthusiasm about her that you could see in the way she carried herself. She is most likely close to my grandma’s age but she sure is spunky.

Lyndsay gives me a thumbs-up from behind a clothes rack, then ducks away to keep perusing the handmade shirts.

Mary Ann comes back with a paper and pen. “Here you go, dear. Just fill this out and I’ll get the tags started for these.”

I fill out the form. Since it's a commission store, I'll only receive sixty percent of the sale. That is okay though because it's the stepping-stone to greater things. Dozens of people on a daily basis will see my creations. It's only a matter of time before word spreads. Part of me is overjoyed at this prospect. The other part of me believes I should have made more. That other part of me is forgetting that I am broke now. Never mind about that, Adrienne. It won’t be long until you have money again. I quickly cross my fingers under the counter.

Once we finalize all the pricing and other details, she places my work on a shelf of its own. It feels so good to see it on display. Like all of this was worth it.

“I pay my clients by the month,” she says before I walk out. “So give me a call or come by the beginning of September to get your August earnings.”

I smile. “Okay, that sounds great. Thank you!”

Chapter Twenty-eight

Saturday evening, August 4th

After spending the afternoon out with Lyndsay, I go home around six, hoping my mom has cooled off. At least enough to have a civilized conversation at dinner.

The family is in the dining room setting up. Kaitlin has the silverware, Maurice is placing the vegetables in the center next to the mashed potatoes and roast, and Mom is putting the serving spoons and forks in each. They look up at me at the same time. Kaitlin is surprised to see me, Maurice has a look of pity, and my mom? No expression. I blink a couple times and stammer, “Let me, um, let me get the glasses.” I rush off to the kitchen, get four glasses out of the cupboard, and bring them out.

We eat in silence for a minute. Then Maurice clears his throat and says, “How was everyone’s day today?”

Nobody speaks. I'm afraid to say anything. As much as I wanted to share my good news, I can’t. It's too soon and will only make my mom angrier.

“That good, huh?” he jokes. “Well, mine was fine. I had to go in to work for a couple hours to fix the computers but at least they are up and running for Monday. Otherwise it would have been a disaster.”

“I could imagine,” Mom says quietly, staring down at her food.

“How about you, Adrienne?” he says, turning to me.

I freeze in place with my fork halfway to my mouth. I steal a glance at my mom, who is still staring down at her food. I suppose I have no choice but to answer, regardless of the response. “Um, well, Lyndsay and I went out to Hidden Treasures and then did some shopping.”

“Hidden Treasures?”

“It’s an arts and crafts commission shop in Richmond.”

“Huh, haven’t heard of it. Did you buy anything nice?”

Here goes nothing. “I wasn’t there to buy.”

“Oh. What were you doing there then?”

“I was there to sell.” I carefully place my forkful of broccoli in my mouth.

This is when my mom chooses to speak. “Sell what?”

“Purses and wallets.”

She sets down her knife and fork, then carefully dabs her mouth with a napkin. “Are you telling me…that you spent the summer making purses…and wallets?” She nearly chokes out the last part.

I flinch, but calmly reply, “Yes…and pillows.”

Kaitlin turns to me with wide eyes. “You made my pillows?” she asks in awe. I nod. She looks like she wants to smile but she doesn’t.

“Well then,” Mom says, throwing her napkin down on her plate, “it’s nice to see you’re not wasting your life away.”

“Joy,” Maurice says gently, touching her hand.

She shakes her head and stands up, hands on either side of her plate. “No, Maurice, I can’t sit here and listen to this.” She looks at me. “Adrienne, I cannot express my outrage at your immaturity. Purses? Pillows? You can’t make a career out of that! You can’t live off the income from that! There is no way you can justify this choice.” She points a finger at me. “Let me tell you something: You're going to find out real fast what the real world is if you keep this up. You had the perfect career right in front of you that we have had planned out since you were little and you’re going to give it up to be some sort of ‘designer.’” She makes quotes with her fingers.

At this, I shove my chair back and stand up. “We planned out? No, you planned this out. You have spent my whole life molding me into a miniature you, and why? Because of tradition and the honor that goes with it. But you know what? You never once, for even a second, took the time to ask me what I wanted to do, or paid attention to the things I liked to do.” I think, Like when I used to sew, or when I fix the seams that come apart on your clothes. “You just kept shoving it down my throat and never allowed me to think for myself. I spent all my life thinking like you, believing that nursing was what I wanted. Now that I’m making my own choices, I can see what I want.”

“What?” she spits out. “Making minimum-wage sewing for a living?”

I shake my head and flare my nostrils. “No…to do what I want to do and not live in the shadow of a woman who cares more about tradition than her own daughter.” With that, I run upstairs to my room and close the door.

Half an hour later, there's a knock at my door. I sigh and say, “Who is it?”

“Kaitlin.”

Relieved, I sit up and tell her, “Come in.” She cautiously opens the door and closes it behind her. She stands there for a few seconds. I pat the bed and she sits down. “What’s up?”

She glances at the door, then back at me. “I wanted to thank you for making the pillows for me. Nobody has ever done anything like that for me before.”

I smile. “You’re welcome.”

“They’re so beautiful.” She looks down and touches her fingers together. “I think…I think if you can make something that cool, you can do anything.”

There I have it, a good thing that has come out of all this mess.

Kaitlin likes me.

I grin and say, “Thanks for the vote of confidence. I’m happy to have one person who believes in me.”

“I’m sorry you and your mom are fighting.”

I sigh. “Me too.” I hold up a hand and brush it off. “It will all blow over soon.” Fat chance, but I don’t tell her this. “We should just take our minds off of this and watch another episode. What do you say?”

She nods enthusiastically. “That sounds great.”

Maurice knocks on my door while Kaitlin and I are still watching our show. He asks me to step outside for a second, so I do. He says, “Your mom and I decided when we got married that we wouldn’t interfere when it came to parenting our stepdaughters. I wanted to let you know that I am still standing by that. However...” He pauses. “I know that this isn’t something that will just disappear tomorrow. In the meantime, I think it would be best if we don’t discuss upsetting things at the dinner table anymore.”

“I think you’re right.” My mom and I aren't going to find a middle ground overnight. It's going to take some time, if it even happens at all.

It's at that moment that it hits me.

I know of somebody who could offer insight into the mind of my mom. Someone who lived with her for years. Someone who argued with her. Not only that, but someone who can still manage to get along with her despite their differences.

My dad.

* * *

Half an hour later, I call him up. Just when I am expecting to leave a voicemail, he answers. “Adrienne! I'm so happy to hear from you.”

“Hey, Dad. How are you doing?”

“I'm doing all right. The hospital is keeping me busy. How about you? Getting excited to start classes in the fall?”

He makes the segue into the main reason why I was calling easier. “Well…” I start. “Actually, I’m taking a semester off.”

“You are?”

“Yeah. I decided I’m not going to be a nurse.”

There is a long pause on his end where I can only hear light breathing. “Does your mom know?”

I close my eyes. “Yes.”

“Ah…I can only begin to imagine how that went.”

“It hasn’t been good.” I tell him about everything that happened, from that first day of skipping the volunteer work up until now. “That’s why I called. I don’t know how to fix this and I want to understand how you guys have been able to get along, despite all the problems.”

“It didn’t happen overnight.” I can hear a hint of a reflective smile in his voice. “Your mother and I had our difficulties over the years, yes, but the thing that held us together was you. We both wanted what was best for you. When the divorce happened, we knew that although we had trouble getting along, we weren’t going to drag you into it. There was a truce set in place to be civil around you. I like to think that she and I get along partly because we still care about each other even though we aren’t in love anymore.” He lets out a breath. “She can be quite inflexible when it comes to certain things though.”

“That's the problem.”

“The way I see it, you only went along with it because you thought it would please her. She kept it going because she thought it was what you wanted too. At this point, you have both come to the opposite realization. Right now, her guard is up and precious little will get through to her until she softens. Talking to her will not do you any good until then. Once she does, then you need to talk to her seriously. Sit down with her and tell her you need to talk about something and you want her undivided attention.”

I'm not seeing a point when she will calm down. “You really think it will work?” I ask apprehensively.

“Yes. She'll listen. She always listened. Did I ever tell you about the time when I was working at St. Jude’s?”

“No.”

“Back then, you were a baby, barely a couple months old. I was working sixty hours a week. I was away from home far more than I liked. Your mom didn’t think it would be practical for me to quit that job. It paid well, and as a young family with a brand new house, we needed the money. Since I was working so much and she was raising you by herself, it ended up bringing about a compromise. If I would take on a different job, I could spend more time with both of you. It would also open up the opportunity for her to go back to work part-time.”

I couldn’t imagine how hard it was for him to convince her of this. “Did it work out?” I ask.

“It was rough working out the new routine at first, but it didn’t take long for us to get accustomed. The change of pace and lighter load made everything easier.” He is silent for a moment. “She may seem unyielding, but she is willing to meet you halfway if it makes sense.”

If she could find middle ground with my dad, I'm sure she and I can eventually. It feels nice to have an open dialogue going with somebody about this. “Thanks, Dad,” I say.

“You’re welcome, Adrienne.”

Chapter Twenty-nine

Monday, August 6th

I head out as usual to go to Lyndsay’s on Monday. Only this time instead of staying the day over there, I load up my car with all my supplies—the sewing machine, the books, the material, and the thread. Why waste fuel and time to travel over there now that there's no need to hide it?

Lyndsay squeezes me tight before I leave. “It’s going to be weird not seeing you this week.”

“You barely saw me during the week anyway.”

“You know what I mean, dork.”

“Yes, I do.” I rest the side of my head against the door. “Am I kidding myself?”

“About what?”

“About this,” I say, holding up a bag of remnants. “I have barely gotten anywhere with this. How am I going to meet my mom halfway?”

She taps my chin with her fingertips. “Give it a little more time.”

“How much more time? I mean, how long will it take me to exhaust all my resources? What if this doesn’t work out?”

“What if it does?”

“No, what if it doesn’t? Look, I want to be optimistic but I also need to be realistic.”

She thinks for a few seconds before saying, “If it doesn’t, who cares?”

My eyes open wider. “‘Who cares?’” I repeat slowly.

She shrugs. “Yeah, who cares? You just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and do something else. I still don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring for me. Sure, I want to be a nurse but maybe ten years from now I’ll prefer to be behind a desk. At the very least, this is going to teach me a lot about the medical field, and those skills can help launch me into a number of other careers.”

I stare at her in disbelief. “Wow.”

“I know, right?” she says with a grin. “Mom and I were talking about my future and she started talking about her work experience. I pretty much knew the whole story already but I looked at it with new eyes and realized that the same applies to me. I’m just like her in many ways, and despite my worries, I can be just as strong as her and handle whatever life decides to hand me.” She appears relaxed as she tells me this. Like the weight of the world was lifted off her from one simple epiphany. It doesn’t mean everything is going to be perfect, it just means that her view of it is balanced.

It is truly inspirational.

I breathe a sigh of relief. “That’s a great way to view it.”

And that is exactly what I needed to hear.

* * *

I spend the rest of the day reorganizing my room. I rearrange the books on my shelves to move all the papers from my desk over. I find Coventry hiding behind where the papers were. I smile as I pick him up, then place the little kitty plush on my shelf next to my DVDs. I set the sewing machine on my desk and hook it up. After moving a few more things around, I have a nice little craft nook going in one corner of my room. I stand back and take it in for a moment.

“Whoa,” says a voice behind me. I turn and find Kaitlin standing in my doorway.

“Hey,” I say cheerfully. “I thought I’d bring it all back home instead of hiding out at Lyndsay’s again.”

She bounds to my bed and jumps on it. “What’s your next project going to be?”

“I won’t have enough money for what I need until next week.” There is an exquisite fabric I would like but it's quite expensive. The money from last week’s chores won't be enough. “But, I do have some bits and pieces I can use for something smaller. Like maybe…headbands.”

Kaitlin claps her hands together. “Cool.”

I grin. Her enthusiasm is contagious. “My thoughts exactly.” Just then, my phone rings. I glance down and see that it is Chevy. I flip it open. “Hey!”

“Hey! I just wanted to see how things were going.”

“It’s…okay. Mom’s still not talking to me.” My mom actually left the chore money on the counter in an envelope instead of handing it to me. It's the first time she has done that.

“That’s too bad. It is fresh though.”

“That’s what I keep reminding myself. How is your family?”

“All right. My dad is doing better but I have a feeling he fell off the wagon again.”

“Oh no.”

“I could be wrong though. It just felt like he was acting strange last night. Maybe it’s just because he’s craving it and getting edgy.”

“That could be it. It is a disease after all, not just a habit.”

“That’s what I keep reminding myself.” He sighs. “I’m glad I’ve got someone who understands.”

“Likewise.”

When we hang up, Kaitlin looks over at me. “Who was that?”

“Chevy. He wanted to see how I was doing.”

She tilts her head. “Really?” She draws the vowels in the word out.

“Yes, really,” I say with a chuckle.

“You like him.”

I blink twice. Is it that obvious? Maybe Kaitlin is just that smart. I cover my face with one hand and peek out. “You’re very observant.”

“Does he like you?”

I am sure the answer to that question is yes, based on the way he acts with me, but I still have my doubts. “I hope so.”

“I bet he does.”

“What makes you say that?”

“How could he not like you?”

I reach over and pull her in for the biggest hug I have ever given her.

Chapter Thirty

Friday, August 10th

I have become weary from making headbands. My eyes are beginning to cross and my patience is dwindling like the light from the sun as it sets. I keep wishing for it to be September so that I can go back to Hidden Treasures and see what kind of commission I got. I'd go there now just to see how things are going but I don’t want to jinx anything.

I talk to Chevy on the phone for a few minutes about it but he has to get back to work. I put my projects away for the day and find something else to occupy my mind. I go to the kitchen and make cupcakes with Kaitlin. After they cool, I start to frost them and Kaitlin goes to the living room to set up our next disc. A minute later, Kaitlin yells, “Somebody just pulled into the driveway!”

“They’re probably just turning around.”

“Nope, they’re getting out of the car.”

I set down the last cupcake and join her at the window. Sure enough, somebody is here.

And it’s Chevy.

I run to the door and open it up before he gets to it. “I thought you had to get back to work.”

He grins. “Well, I did but there really aren’t many jobs pressing at the moment, so I asked if I could leave early.”

“Why would you do that?” I narrow my eyes at him.

“To cheer up a friend,” he says, gesturing to me.

“I don’t need cheering up.”

“Yes, you do,” Kaitlin says from behind me. I turn to her and make a face.

“See? She agrees with me,” Chevy says with a smirk. “I just want to take you somewhere for a little bit.”

“I don’t want to leave Kaitlin alone.”

“Why not?” she asks. “I was home alone when you were at Lyndsay’s all summer.”

I start to say, “But—”

“Go ahead. I have a book I want to finish anyway.” I know what she's doing. She's attempting to act all innocent, but I know.

“I’d listen to her if I were you. She’s wise beyond her years.” Chevy winks at Kaitlin and she smiles bashfully.

“She is.” I smile at her, and then turn to Chevy. “Okay. Let’s go.”

He takes me to The Caffeine Café and tells me, “Get whatever you want. My treat.”

I can’t decide. He may say it's his treat but I'm not greedy. “I’ll just get a toffee iced coffee,” I finally say.

“Just get a…” He sighs. “I’m serious, get anything you want. Like…” He reaches over and grabs one of the giant brownies from the basket. “Do you want one of these?”

I purse my lips. “Maybe.”

He places it on the counter. “And how about one of these?” He points to the cookies.

“Maybe.” I chuckle a little.

He says to the girl behind the counter, “She’ll have one of each kind.”

“What?” I exclaim as I grab his arm. “You don’t need to get me all of this.”

He laughs. “Don’t worry, we’ll be sharing.”

His kindness hits me in a way it never has before. There's something different about the way he is treating me. I begin to wonder if something more is happening between us. I have been standing by, waiting for him to get to the point that he needs to. Letting him deal with the issues at home. Allowing him to get to know himself. Patiently waiting for the day when he finally tells me how he feels.

Has he reached that point?

After we sit down, I need to find out. “Why are you doing this?”

He stirs his coffee slowly and then looks up at me. “Because you have a lot on your mind that has been getting you down. I want to make it better.”

“You do?”

“It’s the chaos theory all over again.” He smirks and takes a bite out of the peanut butter cookie.

“So taking me out for coffee-flavored drinks and baked goods is supposed to make it better?” I ask, raising my eyebrows.

“If I’ve been taught anything, it’s that cookies and chocolate make everything better.”

I smile coyly, then break off part of the peanut butter cookie while it is still in his hand. “Cookies and chocolate always make everything better.”

Chapter Thirty-one

Saturday, August 11th

My mom and I have been avoiding each other as much as possible. Neither one of us want to make things uncomfortable for Maurice or Kaitlin, especially after Maurice made it clear he wanted us to act like a family. So whenever we are all together, we talk; mostly she and I talk to either Maurice or Kaitlin, never directly. Any time we are alone in a room or pass by in the house, we barely utter a word.

It’s not right.

Yet I don’t know what to do to make things right. Even if I did become a nurse to please her, the damage is done. She can’t trust me, and I don’t blame her there. If I were her, I wouldn't want to trust my daughter after she lied to me all summer either. I wish there was a way we could compromise. I have a feeling that despite what my dad told me, it is going to be hard to find that middle ground. At least I can’t see it in the near future.

Maurice and Kaitlin go out for a daddy/daughter dinner Saturday night. It's the first time my mom and I have been in the house without one of them there with us. I almost want to lock myself in my room and not come out, but I do need to eat and I don’t want my mom to eat by herself.

I go down to the kitchen when I hear my mom making noise getting out pots and pans. I go to the refrigerator and get out lettuce, tomatoes, and olives. I start chopping and slicing, waiting for my mom to say something to me.

She doesn’t.

Before I realize it, I sigh. Of all the things I could do at this moment, it has to be something audible and obvious. This catches my mom’s attention. She turns her head to me and asks, “What?”

I shake my head. “Nothing. I just…I was hoping that maybe you would say something.”

She is silent for a moment. I'm regretting that sigh already. She finally says, “I don’t know what to say, Adrienne.” She starts boiling water in the pan. “I just wish you wouldn’t throw your life away.”

I cringe and bite my lip. “I’m not throwing my life away.”

“Then what are you doing?”

This is a trick question; no matter what I say I'm going to be reamed out. I give her the most honest answer I can think of. “Discovering the world of possibility. I need to find out who I am and go from there.”

“And you have to skip college to do this?”

“I wouldn’t be the first person to take a semester off. It’s actually a little more reasonable because some people take a year or two off and travel across Europe. I just need a small break to figure things out.”

“You still lied to me.”

I set the knife down on the counter next to the bowl and spin around. “I know. And I'm sorry that I lied. I really am. But we need to get past this. I have made my decision.”

She holds up her hands. “Without even discussing it with me.”

“Again, I’m sorry. I didn’t feel like I could before.”

“You can’t discuss important life decisions with your own mother?” she says harshly.

“Not when I know the conversation is going to be one-sided!” I yell. “I did try to talk to you the one time, years ago when I was a freshman. We had a career day where a bunch of people came in to talk about the jobs we could have when we grew up. You remember what you said to me?”

She purses her lips. “No.”

“You said, ‘It doesn’t matter, we’ve already got a plan.’” I blink the tears back. “So, no, Mom. I can’t discuss this with you. In fact, I’m done trying to reason with you.” I grab a towel and wipe my hands. “I’m going to Lyndsay’s. Don’t wait up, I may spend the night.”

* * *

“How did you deal with my mom so gracefully?” I ask Faith after dinner. I couldn't stop thinking about it all through the meal. With as much trouble as I have been having attempting to create a peaceful relationship with her again, I just don't understand how it's possible.

She lets out a long breath. “To be honest, it wasn’t always so graceful or easy. It probably seems that way to you because you weren’t old enough to remember the early years.”

“The early years?”

She leans back in her chair. “Back when I was pregnant with Lyndsay and your mom was pregnant with you. She graduated from college, had a job, and was married to your father. I was fresh out of high school, had no job, and wasn't married. How could I raise a child, go to college, and work all by myself? My parents were willing to help but I didn't want to rely on them. I was a different kind of girl, unwilling to accept their generosity.” She chuckles. “So I decided to skip college and go straight to work. My mom was not too pleased with my decision but she knew I was going to have a child of my own to care for. She just assumed I would go to college in a couple years. Your mom, however, was upset. ‘This is our family’s tradition.’” I could hear my mom’s voice in my head. “She kept saying that over and over again. She wouldn’t let it go. For a few years, anytime the family would get together she and I would argue. Everyone else could hardly stand being in the same room as us.”

“I didn’t know it got that bad.”

“It was because of you girls that we tried to get along, and for the sake of the family when we got together. It got better when I decided to become a nurse’s aide. Your mom started to be nicer once she heard, but things were still tense since I wasn’t planning on going to college to be an RN.”

I sigh. “So my mom will never be okay with me not being a nurse in some capacity?”

She frowns. “I wouldn’t say that. She and I have been able to get along regardless of my choices. The obstacle is the two of you being stubborn.”

I make a face. “I’m not stubborn. I just know that I don’t want what she wants.”

She shakes her head. “No, Adrienne. You are stubborn. You lived in your mother’s shadow for years, and then you decided to think for yourself. The day you did that was when you became stubborn. At least, in your mother’s eyes.”

I consider this a moment. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be a nurse; it was because she and I were too similar. That similarity put us at odds when we had opposite views. “So, since I’m no longer a passive child, she doesn’t know what to do?”

Faith nods. “She is in shock essentially, and her initial response to that shock is to fight. It’s a new side to you that she never expected to see. I don’t think she likes it much. However, once the shock wears off, she is going to remember that you are her daughter and she loves you no matter what.” She reaches over and gives my hand a squeeze. “She’ll get over it soon.”

Chapter Thirty-two

Wednesday, August 15th

“Just a little over one week and then my baby girl will be starting high school,” Maurice says after dinner. It was a pleasant meal, as it has been since the argument on Saturday. My mom and I seem to have some sort of unspoken truce in place. The fighting will only cause more tension and nobody wants that.

Kaitlin gives a hint of a smile as we gather up our plates and silverware. Maurice continues and asks, “You getting excited?”

Her partial smile fades into a frown. “Not really.”

Maurice chuckles. “You don’t have anything to worry about. High school is a lot like middle school, just in a bigger building.” He turns to me. “You just made it through, Adrienne. Tell her.”

I look over at her and say, “It’s not bad. There are times when it feels like too much to handle but you will survive. Trust me.” I smile. “Besides, you have friends like Paige, and you’re going to make plenty more as the years go by.”

She doesn’t respond immediately. “Yeah,” she says dejectedly.

I know that the way they portray high school in television and movies probably has her worried about friends and classes. It probably isn’t helping her watching The O.C. constantly. Despite that thought, I still suggest watching more of it with her. She replies, “Maybe tomorrow. I have a book I want to finish.”

Hiding my worry, I say, “Okay. Tomorrow sounds good to me.”

When she goes to her room and closes the door, all I want is to open it up and ask her what is bothering her, but I don’t. She will let me know when she is ready.

I sigh and go to my room. I don’t really feel like sitting around in here the rest of the night. I send Chevy a message to meet me at the coffee shop. Half an hour later, we're in line ordering iced coffees. I glance at the chalkboard sign on the counter and see that karaoke is this Saturday. It makes my stomach clench to think about it.

He notices me looking at it and asks, “Thinking about singing that song for me?”

I look away from the sign. “Maybe.”

He taps my arm. “Hey, what’s wrong? You don’t have to sing if you don’t want to sing, you know.”

“I know.”

He lets out a sigh. “What makes it so hard for you?”

I slowly make eye contact with him again. Should I tell him? We have opened up about so many things that he deserves to know this too. “Back in fifth grade, we had this recital. I got up in front of, like, two hundred people to sing a solo. I was so nervous my heart was racing. I didn’t look at the audience when I started singing. Everything was fine, until I looked up. My voice trailed off and my knees locked into place. That’s when I fainted.” I close my eyes. “Nobody really remembers it now but every time the idea of singing alone comes up, the feeling associated with that moment stirs up inside of me and I freak out.”

He touches my arm gently. “I’m sorry for trying to push you into it.”

“You didn’t push for anything. Besides, it’s not like you knew.” I look back at the sign. “One of these days I’ll just do it.” I lightly shove his shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you’re there for it.”

He grins. “Promise?”

“Cross my heart.”

As we walk down the street with our drinks, I fill him in on what transpired over the weekend.

“Everything will work out eventually,” Chevy says.

“I know,” I say with a sigh.

“You don’t believe me, do you?”

“I wouldn’t say that.” I sneak a glance and see a smirk on his face.

“Because it sounds like you don’t.”

“Okay, maybe I don’t believe it,” I admit, “but I believe you.” I smile sweetly.

He smiles back. “You’ve been telling me the same about my dad. Turns out you were right, despite the fact that I kept believing it was all going to fall apart.”

It hits me suddenly how important we are to each other. Our friendship over this summer has managed to keep both of us from losing our minds. Everything we have been going through, he has been there for me as much as I have been for him. It has drawn us closer. I didn’t have that with him when we were in school. I didn’t have that with him when I abandoned him over the summer.

I didn’t really have him until now.

“Adrienne?”

I break out of my reverie and turn to him. “Yes?”

He chuckles. “Where did you go just now?”

I shake my head. “Just somewhere in my head.”

“Where in your head?”

“The part that is extremely grateful to have you in my life.”

He reaches over and puts his arm around my shoulder, holding me close as we walk. “That feeling is mutual.”

I wrap my arm around his waist. “Good to know.”

Chapter Thirty-three

Monday, August 20th

Regardless of the truce, I spend the day over at Lyndsay’s to avoid any potential accidental battle at home. My mom is working a rare late shift due to a schedule change. Instead of being home in the evening when Maurice is home, she is there during the day. I didn’t think Kaitlin was enough of a buffer zone to prevent any fights, so I opted to go elsewhere. I felt bad about leaving Kaitlin by herself, but she has still been acting a little weird and I didn’t want to push her too much. I figure she just needs a bit of space right now.

Lyndsay is going through her college schedule online while I lie on the bed. She has some mellow music going and it makes me want to fall asleep. I nearly do, but then I hear a faint sound through the window that causes me to jump straight up.

The sound of a siren.

A chill runs up my spine. “What is today?” I ask.

Lyndsay looks at the calendar on her wall. “The twentieth. Why?”

I turn to the calendar and confirm that it is the twentieth. My eyes widen in horror. The accident.

She stares, brows furrowing. “Adrienne. What is it? Is something wrong?”

This can’t be happening. I talked to John—everything should be fine.

“Seriously, Adrienne, what is wrong? You’re beginning to scare me.”

I snap back into reality. She doesn't know what I know, and she can’t find out. I can’t possibly tell the truth. I shake my head and quickly reply, “Sorry…I was just thinking about Kaitlin. I should get home to her. That’s all.”

“Hmm.” She doesn’t believe me. I'm about to crack when she sighs and says, “Okay, I’ll see you later then.”

I give her a quick hug and head out the door. Hurrying down the street, I have fallen into full-blown disbelieving panic. There is no way this is happening. It has to be some sort of trick of my mind. The ambulance is going to another house. It is not at the Thompsons' house. It is just not possible.

Turning the corner onto Chevy’s street, the ambulance is in front of his house. My stomach sinks to my feet as I stop dead in the middle of the sidewalk. My breath catches in my throat. My worst fear has happened.

My second chance has been stomped on by fate.

My hands fly up to my mouth and I hold back a cry. I watch, helpless, as the paramedics carry John out of the house on a gurney and place him in the back of the ambulance. Chevy and his mother run out the door after them.

I freeze up, realizing I should not be here. I should not know about the significance of today. There is no logical reason for me to be standing here. None. But I can’t just stand here. And I can’t run away.

“Chevy!” I yell as I run to him. He turns his head and stares in disbelief. I close the space between us, taking hold of his arms. I ask, “What happened?”

His breath is uneven. “My…my dad. We were...we were eating dinner when he grabbed his chest.” He stops, looking to the house. “He fell to the floor. They...they think he had a heart attack.”

A heart attack. Of all the things…

Noreen takes hold of Chevy’s shoulders and touches the side of his face, saying, “I’m riding in the front. I called Seymour and he’s on his way to meet us there. Will you be able to drive there by yourself?”

Chevy is not only at a loss for words but he's also shaking. He is in no shape to be driving. I speak up, “If he can’t, I can drive him, Noreen.”

She looks relieved. “Thank you. Chevy, get the keys to my car. I will see you there.” She climbs into the front seat of the ambulance.

I grab Chevy’s hand and we run into the house. He finds her keys in the bowl on the table next to the door.

We drive to the hospital in near silence. I speed, but only slightly since I can’t stop looking over at him. His right hand is gripping the handle on the door so tightly his knuckles are turning white. The rest of him is shaking. Slowing down, I reach over and take his trembling hand in mine. He looks down at it, then to me. I squeeze his hand, and then turn my eyes back to the road.

When we get there, we run into the emergency room so quickly I don’t get the chance to brace myself for the smell. It hits me like a wall, causing me to stop. But I can’t stop now.

Not now.

Chevy stares at me. “Are you okay?” he asks, clearly concerned. He knows why I stopped.

This doesn’t matter though. John matters. Chevy matters. And he needs me.

I stare at him, holding my hand to my chest. Breathe in, breathe out. I can do this. I can do this. I need to push through the pain to help someone I care about. One deep breath later and I am in control. I take hold of Chevy’s arm and say, “I’m fine,” as I guide us to the nurse’s station. Noreen is nowhere in sight in the waiting room. She must be with John.

The nurse behind the counter turns out to be one of my mom’s hospital friends, Teresa. When she sees me, the expression on my face must scare her. “Adrienne! What’s wrong?”

I take in another deep breath and ask, “We’re looking for the man who was just brought in. John Thompson. Possible heart attack.” Chevy holds onto me tighter.

Teresa gasps. “Oh my,” she says. “They just took him in and the doctors are working on him now.”

I nod. “Okay. Where is the woman who came in with the paramedics?”

Chevy speaks up. “Yes, where's my mom?”

She looks to the double doors. “She's in there with them.”

Chevy leans on the counter and says, “Can we go back there? Please. I need to see him.”

Teresa gets a pained look on her face. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I can’t let anyone else back there.”

“But he’s my father!”

“Let me see what I can do, honey.” She picks up the phone and dials. “Please, have a seat,” she says, gesturing toward the waiting room. “I’ll call out for you when I get a hold of somebody.”

Chevy doesn’t move, so I tap his arm and say, “Come on,” taking him with me to the chairs. Just as we sit down, the double doors open and Noreen appears. We both stand up immediately. One look at Noreen’s face tells us all we need to know.

John didn’t make it.

* * *

When they let Chevy and his mom go back to say goodbye, I sit there in disbelief. Everything I had worked toward. Everything I had maneuvered. Everything I had done.

It all just vanished when John drew his last breath.

A couple of minutes go by, and then I see someone in teal scrubs walk toward me. It's my mom. Teresa must have paged her. She kneels down in front of me, wrapping me in a hug. I blink a couple times, not realizing until this moment that my eyes are ready to overflow. I choke out, “He died,” right before the tears spill out. I reach my arms around her, gripping tightly.

“I know,” she says, her voice breaking. She smoothes down my hair and holds me until I stop shaking.

Chapter Thirty-four

Friday, August 24th

I am numb. I can’t feel anything. My life is like a leaf caught in the wind. Just tossed around forever and ever until the wind stops. The end is just a puddle full of mud, sucking me under and into itself. When it dries, I just dry up and wither away into nothing.

Into dust.

With all that has been done, everything that I have tried to do to help, everything that has happened and changed—why not this?

After putting on the black dress, I sit at my vanity and look in the mirror. The face that looks back at me is just like the face I saw the day at the cemetery. I slowly gather my hair into a messy bun. Even though I don’t want to bother, I put on a little bit of makeup.

Once I am done, I can’t look at the girl staring back at me any longer. She isn’t who I am. She is someone who can’t do anything right. Someone who gets herself into disasters and can’t find a way out. Someone who gets a second chance and still fails at making things right.

Someone who can’t even protect the ones she loves.

When I got home that night, I found my list and tore it up. There was no point to the list now that the most important item on it wasn’t possible anymore.

I can barely get a bite of food in me. The thought of swallowing one more thing makes my stomach clench. I sit in silence, touching my fork to my eggs, while Maurice and my mom talk. I can't focus on the words. All I notice is how they seem so calm, so normal. Like this is supposed to be normal.

Like death is supposed to be normal.

That is how it felt when I was younger and I went to funerals for family members I never even met before. Like my mom’s aunt Beatrice from Florida. We visited her when I was a baby so, of course, I didn’t remember who she was. Walking into the funeral home, I clutched my mom’s skirt, wide-eyed and wondering what everyone was crying over. My mom lifted me up so I could see inside the coffin. She told me that Beatrice died. I knew I was supposed to feel something, something like sadness. It looked like she was sleeping and that was it. I didn’t understand. I didn’t know who she was.

I didn’t feel anything.

Looking back on my limited experiences of death, I can’t glean anything useful. I can’t pin down the feelings that are pushing on my whole body with their sparks and twinges of pain and shame and misery. It is nothing I have felt before.

In the car, I didn't anticipate how much I would fidget. I can’t sit still, not even for a second. My foot taps, my fingers tap, I crack my knuckles, and I pick at the edges of my fingernails. I must be driving Kaitlin up the wall with my incessant moving, but I can’t tell. I think she knows I'm having a rough time and she lets it go for my sake. My mom and Maurice keep quiet, although I feel my mom wanting to try to talk to me. She has tried since Monday but I haven't been responding. My mind was spinning, reeling over what has come about. Being alone with my thoughts wasn’t what I wanted, but how could she begin to understand what I'm going through when I can barely understand?

Stepping into the funeral home, I am greeted with wall-to-wall black clothing. I scan the crowds looking for Chevy, but all I see are people from school and neighbors. I look away before they make eye contact. I don’t want to talk to them. I don’t want to talk at all. I'm afraid even to talk to Chevy, but I need to. He's been avoiding me since the hospital. I tried to call him, I tried stopping by. He would not talk to or see anyone. Roger has been trying to help him out as well, to no avail. Seymour is the one I talked to every time all week. He has been attempting to keep Noreen above water but has not been able to reach Chevy.

Lyndsay wordlessly comes up to me and pulls me into her arms. She holds me tight and then whispers into my ear, “I’ll sit with you if you would like me to.” I nod yes while she is still holding me. “Okay,” she says. “You’re going to be alright.” She takes my arm in hers and our families all enter the room.

By the time I find Chevy standing near the front of the room, there’s not enough time before the eulogy starts for me to go up to him. I am barely able to listen to what is said. I keep thinking I'm going to see John. Like this whole section of my second time through this life is the part that is really a dream. The heart attack was just a horrible prank that my subconscious is playing on me. I am going to wake up, and he will be alive. It needs to be fake because there is no way this can be real.

Some people get up in front of everyone to talk about John Thompson’s life. It gives me a glimpse into who John really was behind the alcoholism. A baseball fan, a car restorer, a former guitar player in a band in high school… I barely knew him. Yet I feel this connection to him beyond what is normal. I watched him die once. To see him die again is almost too much to handle.

I am beginning to question this second chance. I am feeling a strange feeling…like a mixture of guilt coupled with unexplainable distress that makes me want to jump out of my own skin.

It terrifies me.

I make my way up front afterwards and walk up to the casket to pay my respects. It's hard to look at him. He looks like my great aunt Beatrice—sleeping. My hand involuntarily reaches out to him, as if he was still here, but I flinch back at the last second. I hate open caskets. Seeing somebody lying dead in front of me, it pains my heart. Seeing their eyes closed, never to open again. Seeing their still chest, never to breathe again.

Seeing their lifeless body, lowered into the ground.

The anger spreads through my being. I touch the side of the casket and lean in, whispering, “You shouldn’t be gone,” as I force myself to hold in the tears.

There's a line of people surrounding the family. I stand behind them, anxiety rising inside of me. When I reach the front, Chevy is nowhere in sight. Where is he? I gather myself together and go up to Noreen. She pulls me in for a hug before I can even speak to her. I whisper quickly, “I am so sorry.”

She whispers into my ear, “Thank you so much for being there for us at the hospital.”

Tears begin to well up in my eyes. I whisper back, “Of course.”

She pulls back and holds on to both my shoulders. “Could you do me a favor?”

“Of course,” I say again.

“Please try to find Chevy and talk to him. He escaped right after the services. He'll listen to you. I need him right now.” All I can do is nod. She lets go of me and is enveloped in another hug.

I step out of the way and take in what she said. Find him, talk to him. It is the first and last thing I want to do. It scares me to go up to him. What do I say to him? I don't know how to console someone who has lost a parent. I'm afraid he won't want me there. Will not want to be consoled.

Like before.

Then I remember. This is my second chance. He needs a friend. Whether he wants it or not, he needs it. I need to do this. For him.

I sneak my way out of the building, avoiding anybody who may stop me on my way out. I open the door to a clouded-over sky. The fresh air reinvigorates me, if only a little bit to keep me walking. I look around and spot the park across the street. It's the same one Chevy and I were at not long ago. Something tells me he is in there. I look both ways, run across, and start down the path. It's nearly desolate, likely due to the threat of rain.

It doesn’t take long to find him. He's sitting on a bench facing the duck pond under a tree. He is leaning forward, staring into the distance. He seems almost as helpless as he did when I saw him in the cemetery. The fear of what he will say almost takes over. I can’t let fear win. It won in round one. Round two is not one for chickens. I swallow my pride and sit down on the bench next to him.

He doesn’t turn his head but he knows it's me. I hear his breathing change slightly at my presence. Almost like before, but not exactly. “I want to be alone,” he says.

If this were taking place way back when, I would have listened. This time I turn my body at an angle and say, “No, you don’t.” I reach out and take both of his hands in both of mine. “I am not leaving you.”

His eyes meet mine for the first time in days. I watch them trade anger for surrender. I squeeze his hands. His lips begin to tremble and he looks down, away from my gaze. I feel his tears drop down onto our hands. The next thing I know, he pulls his hands from mine and puts both of his arms around me. I wrap my arms around him, holding him close as he sobs into my shoulder. I gently stroke his hair and whisper to him that everything will be all right. We sit like this for a while. Even when the crying subsides, he doesn’t let go of me.

And I don’t let go of him.

Chapter Thirty-five

Saturday, August 25th

I don’t know what to do with myself.

I am in the last twenty-four hours of my second chance and I have no idea what to think of it. Was that it? Is that what was supposed to happen? Did fate really think it was necessary to have me start over to end up pretty much the same? Sure, not everything has completely fallen apart.

Yet.

Then again, what if this was not how it was supposed to end up too? What if there is the possibility of having to start over until I get it right? Imagine having to relive all of this and every single detail I would have to fix.

Again.

I lean back against the wall behind my bed. Sitting here is not getting me anywhere. Dwelling on the negative possibilities is not helping me either. If this is it, I should be doing something to make things better.

I drive over to the Thompsons' house. There has to be something I can do for them. I don’t know what but I am willing to do what I can to make things easier if possible.

Seymour answers the door with a warm smile. “Adrienne, you’re just in time.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Just in time for what?”

He gestures that I come in. I step through the door and he closes it behind him carefully. He says quietly, “Chevy snuck out at some point in the middle of the night. He isn't answering his phone. Mom is beside herself. Well, she already was, but this is making it worse. I tried calling all his friends and several people in our family but nobody knows where he is.” He pauses. “Then I realized the person I needed to get in touch with was you.”

“Why me?” I ask. “I don’t know where he is.”

“Ah,” he says, holding up his index finger. “But you do.”

I stare at him, baffled. “How can I know when I don’t know?”

Seymour tries to hold back a laugh. “Come on. Don’t be so naïve. You and I both know there is a close friendship between the two of you. Maybe there isn’t something more,” he smiles, “but trust me, he needs you more than he has been letting on.”

I blink a few times in realization as to what he is hinting at. “Oh.” I stare off at the wall for a moment, taking that in. Here I am doubting when an outsider can see everything. Could he be right? I can’t help but doubt though, despite the certainty in his voice. Do I really know Chevy that well? I'm not some supernatural being that knows all about Chevy. I can’t just picture exactly where he would run off. Then it hits me. There is only one person who remembers what happened today. One person who remembers the end and the beginning.

I know where he is.

* * *

At the cemetery before, I didn’t know that Chevy would be there. Well, there weren’t any guarantees. All I had was this feeling, something inside telling me that was where I would find him.

I was right then and I know I am right now.

As I arrive there today, the anxiety from the first time returns. I sit there and take a deep breath. “You can do this. You are not a coward.”

I don’t know if it was the speech of confidence or my own determination, but I push my hesitation aside. I step out of my car and head down the same path, right where I need to go. There he is, standing there like before. This time, I don’t stop. I keep walking, straight for him.

He hears me coming this time. He says, “I had a feeling you would come looking for me.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

A slight twinge of a smile edges on the corner of his lips, but it disappears just as quickly as it came. “Sometimes I wonder why you do.”

I guess I'm not the only one with doubts. “I care about you.”

“Why?”

“Because you listen to me when I talk. You go out of your way to cheer me up when I am down. You chose to be friends with me out of all the rest of our classmates when you didn’t even know me yet. You care about everyone around you so much. You are one of the closest friends I have ever had in my life.”

He slowly closes his eyes. I stand there silently, waiting for him to respond to my words. He opens them again and turns to me, a mixed expression on his face. He finally says, “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For being here. For,” he holds open a hand toward the grave, “just helping me get through this.”

I press my lips together. “Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m helping that much.”

“You’re helping more than you know.”

His words give me a sensation I haven’t felt in a long time. It's hard to describe but it feels like a reassurance. Of what? I'm not sure yet but it reminds me of Seymour’s words earlier. I stand there a moment. I break the silence and say, “Do you want me to stay?”

“Yes.” He sits down next to the grave and I sit next to him. He leans on my shoulder. “Despite everything that happened, I'm glad I tried to do something for him before he died.”

I lean my head on his head. “He was glad you did too.”

“How can you know?”

“Trust me, I know. I could see it in his eyes.”

“Now that you mention it, I think I saw it too.” He reaches over and takes my hand in his. “Will it ever get easier?”

I squeeze his hand. “Someday. Someday it will.”

Chapter Thirty-six

Sunday, August 26th

I wake up the next day with a jolt. My legs nearly fall from under me as I leap out of bed, and I have to steady myself with a hand on the dresser. I go downstairs to find my mom pouring syrup over her waffles. This is different. This isn’t like before.

This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

My sudden appearance in the doorway startles her to the point where she clutches her heart. “My goodness, you scared me.”

“What is today?” I ask in a hurry.

“Sunday.”

“No, the date.”

“The twenty-sixth.”

“Of?”

“August.”

“It’s not June?”

“No.” She tilts her head in confusion. “Why?”

It’s not June second again. It’s August. It’s the day I was supposed to live to begin with. Then that changed. I tried to change the course of time. I tried to change everything. I tried so hard to fix my mistakes.

And I got nowhere.

I can’t tell her any of this. I shake my head and force a smile. “Nothing. Just a weird dream that it was June again, that’s all.” It’s all just a dream, isn’t it?

I wish it were a dream.

I grab a banana and go back upstairs before she can respond. I quickly slip into the jeans that are on the floor from yesterday and throw on a tee. Next thing I know I am in my car and driving aimlessly. I need to talk to somebody about this so badly but I can’t. I can’t tell a soul about what happened to me because not only will they not believe me but they will probably want to take me in for a psychiatric evaluation. What can I do? Where can I go?

As I leave the city limits, I have the sense of déjà vu wash over me when the abandoned barn comes into view. I turn into that driveway and jump out the second I turn off the ignition. I break into a run and go inside the barn. I stand there in the center of the barn and just look around. For a barn that is not in use, it isn’t as broken down as I expected to see it. Dirt-encrusted straw covers the floor and the stalls. Nobody has been here for several months, if not a year or two possibly. At least that means that no one can stop me from being in here.

And if nobody is here, I can tell these walls anything I want.

“So…” I start, breaking the silent air, “this is how it’s going to be, huh? You give me a second chance and I’ve blown it.” Part of me knows that I have done some good, like yesterday with Chevy.

It doesn’t bring John back though.

“Maybe I should be grateful for this. No, I know I should be grateful for this opportunity. But I wish it had never happened. Why did it happen? I just don’t understand!” I let out a frustrated scream. “I screwed it up! Don’t you get it? I screwed it all up.” I kick one of the stall doors and it smacks against the wall with a loud thud. “I want to be happy with how things turned out but I don’t see how I’ve made any progress. I have not done anything to right the wrongs. I have just made things complicated in different ways.”

I heave a heavy sigh and lean my back against the wall. The memory of the last time I was here comes to the front of my mind. The tears I cried before cause new ones to emerge in the corners of my eyes. I fight the urge to cry, and fail. One tear, two tears, three…

I slink down to the floor, hold my knees to my chest, and wipe the tears away with my hand. “This isn’t how I expected my life to be.” As if the first time would have gotten me to that place either. Letting out a deep breath, I shout, “Oh, get a grip, Adrienne! Life isn’t perfect. Not everything will go as planned.” I make a fist and tap my knee a few times. “I suppose I only have myself to blame for most of it. I shouldn’t just assume that everything will fall into place.” I pick myself up and dust off my pants. “I can make it all fall into place. I can still fix this.” Something has to get better; otherwise, I would have relived this again.

There's still time to make things right.

With that, I can feel the possibilities open to me just like when I first realized I had a second chance. My apprehension has not faded but my optimism is renewed.

After taking a moment to catch my breath, I get back into my car and stop by Lyndsay’s house to wish her luck on her first week of college.

“I know it isn’t what you want, but I still wish you were going to be there too,” she says. “We would be in most of the same classes and we could study together.”

“Yeah, it would have been nice. I still have next semester to look forward to.”

“Have you figured out what you want to take?”

I stare at the wall and shake my head. “No. I have no clue.”

She reaches over and puts her arm around my shoulder. “You still have time to discover your true potential.”

I smile at the truthfulness of her words. Considering the reality at hand, for me there is a whole roadway of discovery and choices and decisions. “Yes, I do still have time.”

Chapter Thirty-seven

Friday, August 31st

Due to the circumstances, The Auto Shop gave Chevy an extra week off. It was a good idea since he had taken his father’s death hard. I go over every day to get him out of the house. He needs to get out of his head a little bit. Otherwise the grief will take over. I don’t want him to forget about his father, but I don’t want him to dwell on the sadness forever either. It's a difficult balance—one I don’t even know if I would be able to handle if I were in his shoes.

Seymour stayed in town all week to help Noreen with getting back on her feet. She is doing very well and I believe part of it is due to Chevy being around and not running off anymore. Once Seymour leaves, Chevy will be all she has. Now that the week is over, reality is starting to come to the forefront. Noreen and Chevy will be going back to work next Tuesday. I don’t think either of them looks forward to it.

And, to be honest, neither am I. I'm not sure what I will do with my free time when he goes back to work. Probably just back to “work” myself.

When I get to his place, I can tell Chevy seems to be getting a little better. I can see it in his face. There is still an overcast of clouds but it is slowly starting to dissipate.

I say to him, “You want to go see a movie? There are a couple good ones that came out today.”

He shakes his head. “Don’t you have better things to do?”

“No,” I say with a smile.

“Really? You have to. You have your sewing business to deal with.”

“It can wait. Besides, I need a break from it.”

“As much as I enjoy having you around, I don’t want your future to go up in flames because you spent all your time here.”

I shake my head at his worry over the little things going on in my life. He is right though. Not only that but he probably needs a little time to himself.

“Okay, fine,” I concede with a sigh. “How about this? I'll spend the weekend working on my future. But…on Monday, we need to do something special since it’s your last day off.”

He nods in agreement. “Okay, deal.” He shuffles back and forth on his feet. “Adrienne, can I ask you something?”

“Of course.” I sit down on his bed and he sits next to me.

He takes a deep breath. “Do you think I’m destined to become an alcoholic too?”

His question takes me by surprise. “Why do you ask?”

“Because that’s what they say about alcoholics—their children have a higher risk of becoming the same. I know it’s not entirely genetic because there are plenty of people with parents who are alcoholics and addicts but they still manage to avoid it.”

I put my hand on his shoulder. “Look,” I tell him, “you’re strong, just like your father was. He fought the battle like a warrior.”

“But I don’t know if he would have beaten it entirely.”

“Does any alcoholic beat it entirely? They fight it every day. A lot of them can go years without alcohol but any one of them could cave at any time. The reason why they don’t is that they are determined not to. They have reasons why they stop. That’s what keeps them from ever starting again.”

“Why did my dad stop?”

“For his family.”

“How about me?”

“Like I said, you’re strong. If you ever feel that pull of addiction, I know you would fight it. You would find a reason and you would fight it.”

A smile begins to form on the corner of his lips. “Thanks,” he says. “I needed to hear that.”

“You’re welcome.”

He peeks over at me. “We’re still going to see a movie tonight, right?”

I chuckle and put my arm around his shoulder. “For you, anything.”

Chapter Thirty-eight

Saturday, September 1st

The nervous anticipation is palpable as I walk into Hidden Treasures to see how my month went. I have been both dreading and longing for this day. Now that it is here, I'm attempting to be confident while sweating bullets.

I drive over there late in the morning so I don’t seem overly anxious about being paid. I am sure there are plenty of other people who get there right at nine when the place opens up. I don’t want to be like that. This is why the anxiety has built to higher than normal levels. That and I have a couple dozen headbands in a tote to share with her today. She told me to bring new stuff in anytime but I decided to wait until September when I had enough stuff built up.

When I walk in, Mary Ann looks up from the paper and smiles. “Hi, doll! How have you been?”

“Doing all right. How about you?”

“Can’t complain.” She reaches under the counter and pulls out a binder. “Let me see here,” she says with her tongue sticking out the side of her mouth as she flips through it. “Adrienne, right?”

“Yes.” Here we go.

“Okay.” Her finger scrolls down and she stops at my name. “Hmm…”

“What?”

“Well, it looks like you didn’t have any sales this month.”

My heart sinks. “Oh,” is all I can say.

She can see the disappointment in my face. “Don’t worry though, dear. Sometimes the first month you sell nothing. You never know what to expect. One month you sell nothing, the next you sell ten things, and the next you sell one.”

“That makes sense,” I say, nodding even though I don't believe it. The tote of headbands starts to weigh my arm down. I try to get the words out to tell her about my new venture, but I can’t. I just say, “Well, I guess I’ll wait and see how this month goes then.” I flash a big smile.

“That’s the spirit!” she says enthusiastically as she puts the binder away.

I say goodbye to her and walk out to my car slowly. I sold nothing. Nobody wanted to buy my creations. All that effort over the summer. Every second I spent working my butt off trying to do something I loved. And for what? For nothing.

Maybe she is right about the selling. Who am I kidding? If anyone should know, it is her. She has seen the market, seen the sales firsthand.

Yet, why can’t I believe it?

I shake my head and drive home. After setting the tote on the dresser, I sit on my bed and stare at it. Should I have shared them with her? I probably should have. What would it have hurt? Nothing. Except for the fact that nobody would have bought those just like nobody bought my purses. I jump up, grab the tote, and put it under my bed. Out of sight, out of mind. Now to distract myself with something. Maybe a movie.

I go across the hall to Kaitlin’s room and find her sitting at her desk writing in a notebook. “Hey, you interested in watching a movie?”

She says, “I have a lot of homework I need to do.” She doesn’t look up at me.

“Oh, okay, no problem. Maybe tomorrow?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

Something isn’t right and I know it isn't too much homework. She is not going to talk though. “All right,” I say, quietly stepping back into my room and closing the door behind me. I wonder what is on her mind. Should I have asked? I have not been around most of the week. Maybe I should have made the effort to spend at least one night at home with her.

As I look for a romantic comedy, I see Coventry sitting on the shelf next to the DVDs. I stand there a moment and debate on what to do. Who am I kidding though? I know exactly what I need to do.

I pick out a movie and pick him up.

Chapter Thirty-nine

Monday, September 3rd

I burst into Chevy’s room. He is lying face-up on his bed, staring at the ceiling. “Okay, up and at ’em,” I tell him as I smack his arm.

He pretends to look annoyed but I can tell he is amused. “Why?”

“We need to do something fun.”

“Like what?”

“I have no idea.”

He laughs. “You had all weekend to come up with something. What were you doing?”

Drowning in my sorrows about my failing plans. Upset at the possibility of my mom being right about my poor choices. “Nothing much,” I say finally. I look around his room. “You moved stuff around.”

“Yeah,” he says, sitting up. “I was looking for something in my closet and started to go through everything in there. Then I did the rest of my room.”

I walk over to the rollerblades sitting in front of the closet. I pick one up. “You like to rollerblade?”

“Yeah. I used to blade a lot.”

A grin spreads across my face. “I know what we should do today.”

After a quick drive home to pick up my pair, we're both sitting in his driveway putting on our rollerblades. He suddenly laughs. I turn to him, smiling. “What’s so funny?”

“It’s been, like, a year since I’ve done this.”

“Probably about the same for me too. This ought to be amusing for both of us then.”

“It’s like riding a bike.” He stands up. “Ah. This brings back memories.”

I pick myself up. “Oh yeah.” I push forward and go to the end of his driveway.

He follows me. “Where to?”

“Up the street and back?”

“Sounds good.” We go to the end of the block and turn around. Since the sidewalk isn't too wide, we can’t blade side by side. I suggest going to the park but he says he would rather stay close to home. So we head back to his house.

I go into his garage and look around. “There’s got to be something we can do while blading.” I pick up a basketball. “Now this would be fun,” I say, spinning around to face him. I toss the ball to him.

He smirks. “First one to five wins?”

“You’re on.” He races out to the driveway ahead of me and throws one in. “Hey! That wasn't fair! I wasn’t even out here yet to block you!”

“You didn’t set any rules,” he says, passing the ball to me.

I narrow my eyes at him. “Okay, fine. I’ll let you have that one.” I roll closer and toss the ball over his head. He reaches up to block but misses and it goes in. “One to one. This is going to be a close game.”

He picks up the ball and makes another shot. “Ah, two to one.”

“That’s it!” I yell as he passes the ball to me again.

This goes on for the next five minutes until it's tied four to four. When he goes to make his last shot, I come up behind him and try to grab for the ball. He lets go right before and it goes in for a clean swoop. He raises his arms and says, “I win!”

“Yes, you do,” I say reluctantly.

He spins around and, wrapping his arms around me, we fall into the grass together. I start laughing and so does he. Still holding on to me, he whispers, “Thank you for this.”

I smile at him. “You’re welcome.” I expect him to let me go to get back up and keep rollerblading.

But he doesn’t.

Instead, he is intently gazing into my eyes. My smile begins to fade as he moves his face closer to mine. My heart shudders in anticipation. Could it be…could he be…? He pauses an inch away from my face, his now half-closed eyes still fixed on mine. When his lips lightly touch mine, my eyelids flutter closed involuntarily. I am in a dream. I have to be. This can’t be happening.

But it is.

He pulls away, looking into my eyes to see if he should have done that. As if it was a gamble. Doesn’t he know how much I care? Can’t he tell I would do anything for him? I have been waiting for days, weeks, months for this very moment.

I put his worries to rest and kiss him back.

As soon as I do, he relaxes into it. His lips part mine so delicately I nearly melt into him. There is something more to this kiss but I am not sure what or why. I can just feel it, like a burning desire building up and pulsing through my veins. Without realizing it, I begin clutching his shirt to pull him closer. He must feel it too because he holds me tighter to his chest. With the hand clutching his shirt, I lightly tap him a couple times. He breaks the kiss and asks me breathlessly, “What?”

I wiggle out of his grasp and stand up. He looks at me curiously. I extend my hand to him to lift him up, then keep holding on to it as I roll us into the garage. Without saying anything, the two of us take off our rollerblades and run up the stairs to his bedroom. As soon as the door closes, his arms are around me and his lips are back on mine. I wrap my arms around his waist. A dancing sensation spreads through me as his fingers run through my semi-tangled hair. I hold him closer, his kisses filling me with a thrill I have never imagined possible. My lips drink him in and I savor the sheer pleasure of it. For one glorious moment, I feel as though we are alone in a sky of stars. Floating endlessly. Burning forever.

It is extraordinary.

Until a strange feeling overcomes me, causing me to wonder if I am only dreaming. Everything that happened this summer the second time around always came back to nearly the same thing that happened the first time. My mom is still mad at me for not pursuing what she wants me to. My dad and I still have not tried to spend time together. Kaitlin is just as distant as ever. My future is still an unmitigated disaster. And worst of all, Chevy’s dad still died. Does Chevy really care for me or is he just confused about his feelings after what just happened? What if this will end the same way everything else seems to be? How can I even know?

I loosen my grip on him and pull away.

He stares at me, concerned. “What’s wrong?”

I have no idea what to think. I have no idea what to say. I have no idea what to do. What was I thinking letting him kiss me? What was I thinking when I kissed him back?

Why did I let it go this far?

He reaches out and touches the side of my face. “Adrienne, what is it?”

“Nothing,” I say softly. “I just...I should probably, you know, head home.”

He blinks. “Head home? Already?”

I nod, walking backwards to his door. “Yeah, I need to help with dinner tonight and I don’t want to be late.”

“Oh.”

I know he doesn’t believe me. I know he knows something is off. I know what I am doing is not right.

But I leave him standing there wondering what it is.

Chapter Forty

Thursday, September 6th

Sitting on the floor next to my window, I stare out with my arms resting in the sill. There is a butterfly perched on a leaf of the oak tree right outside. I wonder what she is thinking. If she could read my mind she is probably wondering why I automatically assumed she was a she. It's easy to do that, view something in only one way, even though there can be another option.

The butterfly slowly unveils the back of its wings, and then closes them. It reminds me of the Butterfly Effect, then the Chaos Theory, and then Chevy. Could it be real? Could this simple act taken by this butterfly be creating pain for somebody else somewhere else in the world? And what of me? Could I somehow set one thing into chaos with the simple act of being here instead of at my father’s house? Am I doing anything to benefit the world around me by being here?

Maybe I just convinced myself otherwise out of a selfish purpose. Maybe being transferred back to June was just a practical joke. I haven't done anything to help anybody. It’s all back to where it was. I suppose that’s fine, but what of the chaos that could ensue? What is the point of this if all I'm doing is creating chaos in a different way?

A knock on my door snaps me back to reality. Lyndsay comes into my room and plunks herself down on my bed. “So,” she says, “Chevy just called me wondering if you were all right. He said he has been trying to get in touch with you but you haven't been answering your phone. I thought I'd give it a go myself, but you didn’t answer my call either.”

I reach down and pick up my phone. Five new missed calls—three from Chevy and two from Lyndsay. “Oh, sorry. I must have had my phone on silent.”

“For two days?” When I don’t answer, she continues, “Why aren’t you answering his calls? And don’t you even BS me with some lame excuse either. I know you inside and out and know when you are lying.”

I let out a little laugh. “Yeah, you do.”

“So,” she says, leaning back on her hands. “What’s going on?”

I hug my knees to my chest. “Something…happened on Monday.”

“When you were at Chevy’s house?” I nod but stay silent. She raises her eyebrows. “What happened?”

I bite my lip. I can’t hold it in any longer. So I blurt out, “He kissed me.”

Lyndsay’s jaw drops. “No...way…”

My lips tingle from the memory. “Yeah…”

“Does this mean…are you two…you are, aren’t you?” Her excitement trails off. “Wait. He kissed you…and you’re not answering his calls?” I shake my head. “What? Are you kidding me?”

“I can’t be with him.”

Her eyes bulge out. “What do you mean you can’t be with him? You have been in love with him ever since you met him. Why would you out of nowhere let it go?”

“It’s complicated.” I turn away from her piercing stare and look out the window.

“I don’t understand.”

“I couldn’t let it happen. He didn’t want me at graduation. He only thinks he wants me now.”

“But you didn’t talk to him at graduation,” she says matter-of-factly.

“No, I didn’t.”

“Then how would you know?” Her confusion is apparent. Can you blame her? I'm not making any sense here. I need to tell her why. Holding all this in is too painful to bear alone. There is no way anyone would believe me.

But there is only one way to find out.

I tightly close my eyes, and say quietly, “That’s because I did the first time.”

“The first time?”

“Yes.” I turn to face her.

“I don’t understand what you're saying.” She shakes her head.

I put my fingers to my mouth. “I don’t know how to explain this. I’m afraid to.”

“Please just tell me what’s going on.”

I comb my hair back with my fingers, twisting it into a bun and letting it fall back down. “You're going to think I am crazy.”

“Hey,” she says gently, touching her hand to my knee. “Whatever you have to say, I will believe it.”

“Even if it is irrational or impossible?”

“Yes.”

I laugh. “Okay, maybe you are just as crazy then.”

“Please, it’s in the genes. You’re my best friend and we have known each other since we were babies. You have never lied to me before. What reason would I have to not believe you?” Lyndsay looks at me expectantly.

I start with the easiest way to make her grasp this. “You remember the movie Groundhog Day?”

“Yeah.”

“It happened to me. Only I didn’t relive just one day, I relived my entire summer.” My confession meets with silence. I sigh. “That’s why I am crazy.”

“Because you think you relived an entire summer?”

“No, I did relive it.”

“How?”

I shrug my shoulders. “I have no idea. One day, it’s August twenty-fifth, the next day it’s June second again.”

She lets this sink in for a moment. “So, you relived almost three months of your life?”

“Yeah, I did.”

She leans back, clearly astonished. “This is intense.”

“I know. I’m still wondering if it’s all just a dream.”

She asks, “Why June second?”

“Because that was the day everything changed.”

“What changed?”

Closing my eyes, I will the video from replaying in my mind. “I did something crazy and then acted out in a very non-Adrienne way. Remember on graduation day, when you asked me if I talked to Chevy?”

“Yes, you told me you didn’t.”

“That's because I did the first time.”

“What did he say?” I just look at her and she knows. “Oh.”

I sigh. “I was…upset. I ended up moving in with my dad for the summer. I pretended it was because I needed a break from all the nursing expectations of my mom. She wasn’t happy with me. I didn’t talk to anyone here, except you. You were the only one who understood. I did nothing there. I isolated myself.” I stop. “Not that you even remember any of it, but I am sorry I left.”

“You don’t need to apologize. I don’t remember so it doesn’t matter.”

“Maybe not…but then Chevy's dad died.”

The revelation becomes apparent in her eyes. “So you did know,” she whispers.

I nod with my eyes closed. “I wasn’t able to make it back for the funeral. I showed up the day after. Chevy was mad at me for not being there for him, for leaving. When I started wondering what got me there with everybody mad at me, I realized it was because I screwed up at graduation. The next day when I woke up, it was June second again.” I remember my optimism when I first discovered this and half smile. “I was given a second chance. I didn’t know how, I didn’t know why. I thought it was so I'd be able to fix everything…even keeping John alive.” I pause. “When I first heard about it, all I was told was that he was in a car accident. So when Chevy told me about his father’s alcoholism…”

“You thought you could prevent it from happening.”

“That’s why I suggested the intervention. To give him a chance to make amends and to change so that he wouldn’t get in the accident.” I bite my lip in an attempt to hold back my emotions. I grab one of the pillows on the floor beside me and squeeze it. “I said something to him, to John. I may have crossed a line, but I had to tell him that his family needed him.” I jump up and throw the pillow across the room. “But it still happened!”

“I know.”

“I tried to make my mom happy by following through with the volunteer work but I couldn’t handle it. She caught me in the lie and is madder at me than she was the first time around. I tried to get closer to Kaitlin but she’s pulling away again.” I start to pace. “And then there’s Chevy. Sure, we kissed, but if everything else fell apart like before, what was going to prevent that from failing?” I turn to Lyndsay. “Here I am wondering if there was ever a right answer. Like, it was going to end this way no matter what. It was our fate.” I recall my own words from before: It doesn’t make a difference. I clench my fists at the memory. “Nothing I could have done would have changed that fact. Maybe the lines of time intersect at the same spot eventually regardless of what choices you make.”

She shakes her head. “No, sweetie. You’re wrong.”

I press my lips together. “How am I wrong?”

“Nothing is determined by fate. We create our own fate.”

I throw my arms up. “Then why is everything the same?”

She stands up and steps toward me. “John died of a heart attack. You can’t prevent that from happening. His body was a time bomb ticking. He must have gotten in an accident the first time because he was coming home from a night out drinking when the heart attack happened to him. This time he was spending the evening with his family. His family, Adrienne.” She pauses for effect. “The first time, John had no family. Chevy didn't have a father. Noreen didn't have a husband. You gave them something they never had before—the memory of a man who loved them right before he died.”

I'm seized by the power of her words. They strike me hard in the heart. Everything that happened, everything that I had done, everything I said, every event that I caused starts to run through my mind. I thought it was all the same. It was not.

I had changed fate.

I look at her face then, overcome with what this means. Nothing made any sense until now. Now it all makes complete sense. Regardless of the fact that it changes nothing, I still changed something. Something had been changed. Whether I really knew it or not.

At this, I fall to the floor and start to cry. Lyndsay sits down next to me and holds me as I let it all out.

* * *

What Lyndsay said made me realize something important. After she leaves, I walk outside and call my father. “Hi, sweetie! How are you?”

Without thinking, I say in a rush, “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry? About what?” he asks.

I shouldn’t have opened with what I did but there's no turning back now. “I’m sorry for not staying in touch. I’m sorry for barely talking to you. I’m sorry for not visiting you at all.”

“Sweetie, hold on a minute. Where is this coming from? I don’t understand.”

“Did you hear about John?”

“Ah, yes. Your mom called me to let me know what happened. I’m sorry.”

“John died unexpectedly. It hurts me that his family is going to be without him. It made me start to think about the divorce. You and I kept drifting apart week after week, then month after month, until we barely spoke or saw each other. The last time we saw each other before graduation was January. I let myself get wrapped up with school and college prep. And now I’m overwhelmed with guilt—”

“No,” he interrupts. “I'm not going to let you blame yourself. This isn't your fault.”

“It’s at least partially my fault. By not making an effort, I chose to not do something about this.”

I can hear a heavy sigh through the phone. He says, “Adrienne, even if it was partially your fault, you shouldn't be the one to carry the responsibility. You may be an adult now, but I was the adult then. Not only that, I’m your father. I’m the one who has allowed things to become what they are. I could have prevented it from happening in the first place. I moved away when I could have stayed near you so there wasn’t as much distance between us. I work sixty or more hours a week when I could survive on forty or less so I could be available to see you more.” He pauses. “I made these choices for many stupid reasons. Mostly because it was devastating when your mother and I fell out of love with each other and it was hard for me to live so close to her. Working overtime keeps my mind off of the fact that she moved on and remarried somebody else.”

I didn’t know how hard my father had taken the divorce. It happened during my early teenage years. I couldn’t completely see what was going on. “I never knew all that,” I say quietly.

“I didn’t want to burden you with my troubles. It’s unfair when parents do that to their children. All it does is create even bigger rifts between them and causes bigger issues between them and their kids. You were heading into high school, and as tenacious as your mom can be about things, you needed her to help you with the girl stuff I don’t understand. I knew I could trust her to take care of you through your teenage years.”

“A girl may need her mother for some things, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t need her father too,” I tell him.

“You’re right. That is why I am the one who should be apologizing. I love you, Adrienne. You may not realize it, and I know I haven’t shown it, but you really are my world.” He starts to choke up. I was hoping I would be able to make it through this without crying but upon hearing him, the tears well up. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not being there.”

“How about…” I stop to sniffle. “How about we call it even, forgive each other, and try harder to stay in touch?”

“I think that is a great idea, sweetie.”

Chapter Forty-one

Friday afternoon, September 7th

I'm sitting up in my room when I hear the front door slam. I get up and run down the stairs to see what is going on. Kaitlin is barreling through the living room into the kitchen. I walk cautiously to the edge of the kitchen.

My mom is sitting at the table. She looks up. “Kaitlin, what’s the matter?”

She yanks open the refrigerator door. “Nothing.” She slams the door and cracks open her can of pop.

Mom stands up and walks over to her. “I can tell that something is wrong. What is it?” she says gently.

“Nothing is wrong.”

“You can talk to me about whatever it is.”

“No,” she says firmly, slamming the can down on the counter. “I can’t. You wouldn’t understand at all!” She runs past me and up the stairs, slamming her door shut.

My mom touches her fingers to her temples with closed eyes. She shakes her head. “I don’t know what to do with her.” She sits down at the table with her head in her hands. “She refuses to talk to me. What am I supposed to do? Maurice won’t be home until at least ten.”

I stare at my mom with new eyes. It never really hit me that she was having the same feelings I have been having this whole time. It has to be hard to become a mom to someone else’s child, especially when they don’t seem to want a new mom.

What about a sister though?

“Let me talk to her,” I say.

My mom scoffs. “If she’s not talking to me, why would she talk to you?”

“Even if she doesn’t want to talk to me, I have to try. We’re a family. We need to at least try.” I walk off before she can respond.

I knock gently on Kaitlin’s door.

“Go away,” she says, choking on a sob.

“Not a chance.” I step into her room and sit on the bed next to her. She curls up and faces away from me. “Something has been bothering you for a while. I haven’t asked you about it or pressed the issue because I didn’t want to make you upset. I figured that if you wanted to talk about it, you would.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Yes, you do. You just didn’t want to talk about it with my mom.”

“What makes you think that I want to talk to you about it?”

“What makes you think that I’m going to believe that for one second?”

She sits up and faces me. “Why do things change?”

“I suppose it’s part of growing up, unfortunately. Why?”

She picks at her fingernails. “You remember Mindy and Jaclyn, those girls that were taking the riding lessons with me and Paige?” I nod. “Well, they’re part of the popular crowd at school. When Paige and I started hanging out with them, I thought it was cool. Then Paige started to change. She spent all her time with them and barely any with me all summer. Then school started and Paige stopped meeting up with me between classes. Any time I'd talk to her, she was in a rush to get to class and couldn’t talk. Today after last period, I go up to her, Mindy, and Jaclyn in the hallway. Paige just looks at me, like she doesn’t know why I’m standing there, and says, ‘What do you want?’ I say, ‘I wanted to say hi.’ She says, ‘Why?’ I say, ‘Because you’re my best friend.’ Then she laughs.” She sniffles and wipes her nose. “And then she says, ‘Like I would be best friends with you.’ Then they’re all laughing.” She starts to cry again.

I reach out and she puts her arms around me. “I’m sorry,” I whisper into her hair.

“Why are you sorry? You didn’t do anything.”

“I’m sorry that you had to go through something like that. You know what?” I pull back and look her in the eye. “People like Paige don’t deserve to have you as a friend, and you deserve much better than someone like Paige, or Mindy, or Jaclyn. Just because somebody isn't popular doesn’t make them worthless. I’m not popular,” I say, pointing to myself, “and I turned out just fine. I think.” Kaitlin giggles. “Would you look at that. I got you to laugh.” I take her hand in mine. “Trust me. You will make friends that are much better than Paige ever was before she changed. And no matter what, you’ll always have me.” I smile.

She smiles back. “Thanks, Adrienne,” she says, giving me a hug.

* * *

I go back downstairs to the kitchen and find my mom is still sitting at the table. I go to the cupboard and open it up. “Do you need some help with dinner?”

She shakes her head. “No. I’m just going to cook a frozen dinner tonight.”

“Okay,” I say, turning to leave.

“Wait, Adrienne,” she says, standing up. She hesitates, pressing her lips together. “I’m sorry,” she finally says.

I blink a few times. What did she just say? “Huh?”

“I’m sorry. Sorry for how mean I have been lately. I just…ever since I was a little girl I couldn’t wait to have a girl of my own so that she could be a nurse with me. I couldn’t imagine not having that happen. When I found out you didn’t want it, I was upset. At first I was upset about the nursing aspect, but I stayed upset because I was worried for your future.” She sighs. “If I hadn’t been so pushy with my own agenda, you could have pursued the things you enjoyed. I feel like I held you back. Then you wouldn’t be in a time crunch trying to figure out what you want to do. So, I’m also sorry for never giving you the chance to make any decisions on your own.”

I shake my head. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I should have spoken up sooner about how I felt. And I definitely never should have lied about quitting. I should have told you right away. I just didn’t want to disappoint you.”

“Honey,” she says, stepping forward to touch the side of my face, “you could never disappoint me. I am so proud of you, more than you could imagine.” She sighs. “I have a confession.”

“What?”

“I was standing outside the door when you were talking to Kaitlin.” My jaw must have dropped because my mom quickly says, “It wasn’t my intent to eavesdrop, I was just worried for her and wanted to make sure she was okay. When I heard the way you spoke to her, it made me realize how mature you are.” She leans back against the counter. “It shows me the effort you’ve made to make Kaitlin feel like she’s part of the family.” She starts to chuckle. “Especially with your sneaky paint switch.”

My eyes widen. “Oh right. That was kind of out of line.”

“Maybe it was but it sure made a difference, don’t you think? I like to have things just so, but sometimes there's room for some change. It’s not easy though.” She says this with a frown.

“I know. But I promise you that I won't throw away my future.”

“There are a lot of possibilities out there. You’ll find one that suits you.” She smiles. “This whole thing makes me see how much you’ve grown up. It makes me proud that I was able to raise such a wonderful young woman.”

Tears involuntarily well up in my eyes. “I love you, Mom.”

She envelops me in a tight hug and kisses the side of my head. “I love you, too.” She pulls back and wipes my tears away. “And I have to say, Chevy is lucky to have you in his life.” I shyly look down. She tilts my chin up. “You love him, don’t you?” I nod. “He’s a nice young man.”

I smile and bite my lip. “Yeah, he is.”

And I definitely do not want to lose him again.

Chapter Forty-two

Friday evening, September 7th

I walk slowly to his door. Halfway up the sidewalk I nearly want to turn around to make a run for it. But running wouldn't change anything. And if I have learned anything this week, it's that change is possible if you put yourself out there.

Even though there are no guarantees.

I pause to take a deep breath, and knock. While I wait for an answer, I take in the surroundings. Everything is exactly as it was a month ago, yet it feels different. I expect to see Noreen but it's Chevy that answers the door. His eyes are wide when he sees it's me.

We stare for a few seconds. I finally say, “Hi.”

“Hi,” he says hesitantly.

That hesitation makes me nervous. So I blurt out, “First off, I’m sorry for avoiding you all week. There’s no sensible excuse for it but there is a reason. And I would be grateful if you would give me a chance to explain.”

He closes his eyes and suddenly chuckles. “As angry as I should be, I just find your little speech too cute to say no to.”

I let out a breath. “Thank you.” I pause. “Do you think we could go somewhere else? Like walk to the park or something?”

He nods. “Sure.” He closes the door and follows me down the sidewalk. “So,” he says. “I am ready when you are.”

“Okay,” I say and let out a huge breath. “Here goes…what happened on Monday between us…”

“Our kiss…” he adds.

“Yes, our kiss. I don’t regret it. In fact, I never want to regret it.”

“But…”

“What?” I look at him.

He turns to me and says, “But…there’s always a ‘but.’ There has to be, otherwise we wouldn’t be having this conversation right now.” He raises his eyebrows and gives me a slight smirk.

I shake my head. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“So, what is it?”

“I don’t regret the kiss, but I can’t help but wonder what could have been.”

“Could have been…?”

“Like…if things were different, would this still be what it is? Or is it just in my imagination?”

“I’m not following…”

Of course he's not—I’m not making sense. Maybe I should try another way. “Can I ask you something?”

“Certainly.”

“And I want you to be completely honest, no matter what, okay?”

“I promise.”

Taking a deep breath, I ask, “If I would have asked you out at graduation, how would you have reacted?”

“Wait,” he says, touching my arm to stop me. “You were going to ask me out?” Going to ask him out…more like did…and then didn’t.

I nod, turning away from his gaze. He lets out a breath. He knows how he would have reacted. I brace myself since I already know the answer.

“I probably would have said something to the effect of ‘Let’s be friends.’”

I stay silent a moment. “That's what I thought.” I continue walking.

“Adrienne,” he calls out as he jogs to catch up to me. “You already know I would have only been doing that to protect myself. I was afraid if I were to get into a relationship with you back then, there was a chance it could end in heartache.”

“What makes you think it would end in heartache?”

“Because…” He runs his fingers through his hair. “Because when you finally have something you’ve always wanted, you have something to lose.”

“What do you mean?”

“Remember when I told you how it felt safer to not get into a serious relationship?”

“I remember.”

“Well, before I transferred to Hamilton, I was dating this girl, Lola. We had been dating for four months when she decided out of nowhere to dump me. I was devastated to say the least. I liked her a lot and I could see potential for a long-term relationship. To have it vanish like that,” he snaps his fingers, “was more than my sixteen-year-old heart could bear. It was fortunate that my family moved right after. Not only because it meant getting away from where she was, but also because of you.”

“Because of me? Wait,” I say, holding out my hand. “So, you did like me back then?”

He laughs. “Adrienne, I’ve liked you since the moment I laid eyes on you. I always looked forward to seeing you and talking to you. Whenever I couldn’t be around you, it sucked. I wanted to be with you all the time, yet I was afraid to be heartbroken again by someone I cared so deeply about. Hence, the meaningless relationships that led nowhere. Then you made that comment about how you need to make the choice to either say nothing or speak up. Take a risk.” He lets out a long breath. “This summer, after everything that has happened, you have been there for me in ways I never imagined a person could be. I knew that you cared about me the way I did about you. It didn’t seem like such a risk once I knew.”

“That’s why you kissed me, because it didn’t feel like a risk?”

“No. I kissed you because you saved my life.”

I stop, taken aback. “What?”

He looks down at his feet. “That day at the cemetery…you saved my life.”

“How?”

“Do you remember when we found the bottle of vodka in my dad’s office?” I nod. He closes his eyes and says, “My mom handed it off to me to pour down the sink. I intended to do so but, for some reason, I was possessed to keep it. I hid it in my room…and I had it in my jacket pocket when you came. I wanted so much to just take it out and drink it all. Numb the pain. Ease the ache.”

My heart drops into my stomach and encases me in a suspended state. If he had the vodka in his pocket that day…when he told me to leave…and I left…when he was giving up…what else was there for him to do…but to…

He says softly, “Then you came. All I could see was us. You make me feel alive. I wanted to let go of that pain, that ache, and move on…with you in my life.”

I can barely breathe at his admission. Everything I thought I knew, I didn’t. Everything I thought I could see, I couldn’t. Everything I thought was the reason was never the reason. Things were not falling apart because I asked him for something more.

It was because I ran away.

I have been wasting all this time questioning his feelings. If I meant that much to him, why would he turn me down? The question I should have been asking…

If he meant that much to me, why did I run away?

“Adrienne?” Chevy’s voice breaks me out of my trance. I look up at him. “Why does it matter what I would have said then? Just because I might not have accepted at that moment doesn’t mean I’m not accepting right now.” He carefully brushes my cheek with his fingers. He murmurs, “Do you doubt my affection for you?”

I feel a thrill at the wording in his question and shiver. “No,” I whisper. “I don’t.”

“Then, why did you avoid me?”

I look down and bite my lip. “Everything else in my life was going wrong—everything—and then we happened and I…well, I panicked. If the rest of my life was falling apart…I was afraid that we would fall apart and I would be left with nothing.”

He reaches for my hand. “Whatever happened to taking a risk?” I stare at his hand in mine, and then back into his eyes. “Do you think it was easy for me to take the risk?” I shake my head no. “Then why does it matter?”

He wants a real answer—an honest answer. I let out a sigh. “Maybe…maybe it doesn’t matter.” Maybe it doesn’t. I was not able to keep John alive but I preserved something important between his family that was not there before. Maybe I am over-thinking. No. I am over-thinking. “Not now.”

“Why not?”

If I would have told him no in the cemetery that day when he told me to go away, perhaps all the mistakes that led to that moment could have vanished. Perhaps we could be here in a similar moment entangled in a different kind of predicament that would be easy to overcome. Perhaps we would have kissed and nothing would have tampered with the importance of that moment because nothing else would have mattered anymore. Maybe it was in my control all along. If I would have stood there by his side instead of running away again, I could have helped him. I let my pride get the better of me. We could still be here, in this moment.

We are in this moment. Nothing else matters anymore.

I smile and say, “Because we’re here now.”

He smiles. “Are we?”

“Maybe I was just terrified of my heart shattering at the possibility of losing the love of my life.”

He grins. “That makes two of us.” I open my mouth to say something, but he cuts me off with a finger to my lips. “You are right. Here we are.”

I spent years wishing for this. I spent years hoping for this.

And here it is.

I take a step closer to him and, cupping his face, press my lips to his. He wraps his arms around me and, smiling against my lips, whispers, “So, where do we go from here?”

“Now that I’m with you, anywhere.”

Epilogue

One year later

There are days where I imagine fate continuously circling us back to the moments we need to change until we get it right. We keep repeating history while being frozen in space, waiting for it to end so that we can move on. Only, in normal circumstances, we are not aware of it. I'm not one of those normal circumstances. I'm the one that got a true second chance, one where I had to learn from the mistakes rather than roll the dice. Of course, this is just something my imagination conjured up to make sense of that summer.

If it isn’t true, I mean, if fate isn’t real, then our choices have more meaning. They can be powerful tools in guiding ourselves in the right—or wrong—direction. That one wrong choice can lead us into a life of pain and regret. Sometimes I look back to that day I made the wrong choice and visualize what could have happened if I woke up the next day in the present rather than the past. Every time I think about it, I cringe in horror.

I don’t know why I was offered that second chance, and I doubt I will ever get another one. Which leads me to believe it was not just a second chance but also a way to gain new perspective for the future. It has caused me to learn how to decide my path when I reach a fork in the road. Not all of our decisions will lead to positive results. Some may end the same no matter which one we take. It’s like how people always say that you can’t control others, but you can control yourself.

That is what it boils down to: You can only control yourself.

It's not easy to face the facts but it's part of life. My mom still wishes I was a nurse, but she has learned to live with my choice. Kaitlin still wishes she hadn’t lost her best friend, but she made new friends. My dad still works a lot, but he has been making more of an effort to be part of my life. Chevy still struggles with the idea of alcoholism being a problem for him down the road, but he has a reason not to let it take over.

I didn’t have the greatest start with my career, but a lot has changed since then. I not only went back to Hidden Treasures with my headbands but also asked for a job, which Mary Ann was more than happy to give me. I may not have sold enough of my creations to make a living, but I learned a lot from the experience and gained confidence in my abilities. I'm even considering majoring in business now that I'm in college.

Not everything in life is going to be perfect. Until we can accept that, we will never truly learn how to live. We can pull through the bad times and come out renewed, ready for the next challenge. Life is what we make of it.

You just need to be there.

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Acknowledgements

First of all, a huge thank-you to every single person who believed in me and supported me through this whole thing. Thank you Mom, Dad, and Matt for always being there. I love you! Thank you Rebecca for putting up with me (time and again), cheering me on, and being a great friend. Thank you Steph for being such a super awesome since Kindergarten friend for these (more than) two decades. Thank you Marie for being such an amazing support, designing my cover, formatting, and all the advice (and laughs).

Thank you to Susan Kaye Quinn for your critique that helped immensely in focusing my first five pages to where they needed to be. A humongous thank you to my beta readers: Angie, Lan, Marie, and Molli. You guys really helped me bring out the heart of the story. Thanks so much Stephanie for editing and spreading the word. Thanks also to Cindy C. Bennett for formatting this book for print. Thank you Angie, Jenny, Lan, Marie, Molli, and Sarah for all your kind words and encouragement over the years. I always look forward to hearing from all of you! Thank you to every blogger and author that assisted in sharing the cover and hosting me on your blog and in other places. And thank you to everyone I’ve “met” online that has ever left a comment or stopped by my blog even once.

And finally…an ENORMOUS thank you to every single one of you who bought If Only We! This means YOU!

If I forgot anyone, please forgive me. You know my brain is sometimes all over the place and I didn’t mean to…and that I love you dearly!

About the Author

Jessica is the 28-year-old author of IF ONLY WE, a YA contemporary coming out in October 2013. You can often find her either reading or marathon watching TV on DVD, her favorites being Castle and Veronica Mars. She frequently mismatches her clothes and giggles uncontrollably. She knows almost every Billy Joel song by heart. She collects books and toys, and she has an intense love of cats and lemurs. Currently in the midst of her quarter-life-crisis, she is still takin’ names and getting very close to reaching an epiphany.

Content

If Only We
by
Jessica Sankiewicz

Chapter One Saturday afternoon, August 22nd

Chapter Two Saturday evening, August 22nd

Chapter Three Saturday morning, June 2nd

Chapter Four Saturday afternoon, June 2nd

Chapter Five Saturday afternoon, June 2nd

Chapter Six Sunday, June 3rd

Chapter Seven Monday, June 4th

Chapter Eight Tuesday, June 5th

Chapter Nine Wednesday, June 6th

Chapter Ten Friday, June 8th

Chapter Eleven Saturday, June 9th

Chapter Twelve Monday, June 11th

Chapter Thirteen Wednesday, June 13th

Chapter Fourteen Saturday, June 16th

Chapter Fifteen Tuesday, June 19th

Chapter Sixteen Wednesday, June 20th

Chapter Seventeen Wednesday, June 27th

Chapter Eighteen Saturday, June 30th

Chapter Nineteen Friday, July 6th

Chapter Twenty Saturday, July 7th

Chapter Twenty-one Sunday, July 8th

Chapter Twenty-two Friday, July 13th

Chapter Twenty-three Saturday July 21st

Chapter Twenty-four Saturday, July 28th

Chapter Twenty-five Wednesday, August 1st

Chapter Twenty-six Friday, August 3rd

Chapter Twenty-seven Saturday morning, August 4th

Chapter Twenty-eight Saturday evening, August 4th

Chapter Twenty-nine Monday, August 6th

Chapter Thirty Friday, August 10th

Chapter Thirty-one Saturday, August 11th

Chapter Thirty-two Wednesday, August 15th

Chapter Thirty-three Monday, August 20th

Chapter Thirty-four Friday, August 24th

Chapter Thirty-five Saturday, August 25th

Chapter Thirty-six Sunday, August 26th

Chapter Thirty-seven Friday, August 31st

Chapter Thirty-eight Saturday, September 1st

Chapter Thirty-nine Monday, September 3rd

Chapter Forty Thursday, September 6th

Chapter Forty-one Friday afternoon, September 7th

Chapter Forty-two Friday evening, September 7th

Epilogue One year later

Acknowledgements

About the Author