A REAL DISASTER

By Molly Ryan

Chapter One

There was one problem about being a good girl. One single thing that I can pin point almost immediately: Good girls hardly ever do anything. How would I know? Because I’m a good girl, of course. I’ve been a good girl my whole life, from my first ‘A’ in kindergarten to becoming the valedictorian of my graduating class.

People ask me all the time why I was a good girl. Didn’t I want to have fun? Didn’t I want to have a life? Didn’t I want to fall in love and have more memories? These were the questions that they would ask and I would answer the same way. Of course I want all of that. That’s all I ever wanted but it just never happened. The girls I knew who weren’t good girls were usually the ones who ended up pregnant and alone. They were the ones that contracted STDs and the one’s whose names and numbers were on the stalls of the boy’s bathroom. So as much as I hated being a good girl, it was easier to do so. There was no drama if I was a good girl. However, college changes everything.

* * *

The campus was crowded with people… Almost overcrowded. Kids and their parents were everywhere. Every time I turned there was another rolling luggage passing me by or two friends hugging hello after a long summer away. I, on the other hand, had nothing but a duffel bag and a nervous smile for everyone else. I guess that’s what happens when you’re a freshman and thousands of miles away from home.

I adjusted the strap of the bag on my shoulder and steeled my back, standing straight. I wouldn’t show fear, I couldn’t. If I showed any type of fear the vultures of the college would eat me alive. That’s what I thought anyway. So instead, I pulled my mouth into a full smile and began to look people in the eye.

“Hello,” I said to one person. “Hey,” I said, turning to another. Both people stared at me, their eyes wide.

Great, now I look like some kind of freak.

Great job Lily.

I kept the smile on my face but I shifted away from the girls and grabbed the map in my pocket. Studying the page, I used my finger and traced a path from where I was to my new dorm. My furniture and rest of my clothes were already there waiting for me. So was my roommate, the roommate I had only spoken to on the phone a couple of times. We never met up, never introduced ourselves, nothing. I took a deep breath and headed towards the dorms.

My hands shook as I approached the door of my dorm. It was closed and I took the key out of my pocket, inserting it into the lock and turning. The lock clicked open and the door swung to the side. I was greeted with an army of My Little Pony staring at me from one of the dresses. The neon colored plastic ponies stood in three straight lines.

Oh. My. God.

I walked through the threshold.

This cannot be happening.

It was my luck to be stuck with the child of the dorm house. Obviously I had drawn the short straw.

“Welcome!” a cheery voice greeted me. “You must be Lily! It is so nice to meet you! I am Sabrina! I am so excited!”

Sabrina took my hand, shaking it so hard that the rest of my body shook with it.

“I hope you don’t mind but I took the bed on the left. My bed at home is on the left of my room so taking it kind of made me feel better.”

I stared at Sabrina not saying a word. “Oh but if you like the bed on the left I can move. I don’t want to start off on the wrong foot because of a silly thing such as the bed.”

It’s official. Her rambling made it obvious that she was nervous.

Glad I wasn’t the only one.

“It’s fine,” I told her. “I don’t care which bed I get. As long as it’s clean and accessible, that’s all I need.”

“Great!” Sabrina exclaimed.

I slipped past Sabrina and walked over to where my rolling luggage was waiting. Kneeling down, I unzipped it and started moving the clothes from the luggage into the one empty dresser, all the while avoiding looking at the My Little Pony dolls.

I had to figure out some way of getting rid of those things.

“So what do you like to do?” I heard Sabrina ask.

I could hear springs squeaking as Sabrina sat down on her bed.

“Read, listen to music, study.”

I kept my answers short and simple hoping that it would deter Sabrina from talking anymore so I could unpack and get settled.

No such luck.

“That’s it? Seriously that’s all you do?”

I nodded.

“But…how?”

“What do you mean how?” I asked as I faced my new roommate. “It’s not that hard.”

“I don’t think that it’s hard,” Sabrina said sputtering.

I had shocked her, obviously.

“It sounds… Boring. Haven’t you ever gone to a party? Had a drink?”

“No, and I don’t want to.”

This time Sabrina outright laughed.

“You don’t want to?” she asked. “That has to be a joke. You’re pulling my leg, aren’t you?”

“No I’m not,” I said. “I don’t drink or party. I don’t see the point…”

“The point is that you socialize! You meet other people and make friends. Maybe even get yourself a boyfriend, or at least a good hook up.”

“Why? So I can end up pregnant or carrying a disease?” I rolled my eyes. “That’s exactly what I want to do.”

Sabrina sat there, staring at me with her mouth hanging open.

“Are you telling me that you’ve never kissed a guy? Never had sex?”

“I’ve kissed guys,” I said. “Plenty of them.”

Actually, it was one. I kissed one single guy my entire life and it wasn’t even someone that I had feelings for. Back in tenth grade, when I was nearing my sixteenth birthday, I decided that I was sick of waiting for ‘Mr. Right’ to sweep me off my feet.

I was officially the only one of my friends and probably even in my grade that had never kissed someone else on the lips at the time. Some people thought it was admirable but most of them made fun of me, snickering behind my back. They thought I was a freak and I started to believe them.

So one Friday after school I asked my friend Steve, a kid I had known since we were in diapers, to kiss me. I wanted to get it over and stop being the ‘freak’. Steve wholeheartedly agreed and I was sure it was mostly because of the massive crush he had on me. The kiss was wet and sloppy but I wouldn’t have traded it for the world. I had finally gotten my first kiss and I wouldn’t be the ‘freak’ anymore.

Although I still was.

“What about sex? Have you had sex?” Sabrina asked. I shook my head. “Have you even sucked a dick?”

This time my lip curled and I gagged.

“Gosh, are we seriously having this conversation?” I asked. “But, no. It’d definitely have to be the right guy because it sounds disgusting.”

Sabrina rolled her eyes.

“It’s not that bad,” she informed me. “When the guy is hard, which he usually always is, it’s fun. It’s like having an ice cream cone. First you start at the top and swirl your tongue over the tip. Guys like it if you stick your tongue right in the little hole at the top. I’ve heard that doing that to them feels the same as if they ate us out. It drives the guys crazy.”

I put my hand up but Sabrina continued still.

“Then you have to start on the shaft. You put your lips on his head and make your way down. Guys like when you put it in as far as you can. Some even like it if you gag on it. It makes them even more excited.”

“Sabrina stop,” I said and put my hand to my stomach.

I felt nauseous and I looked around for a garbage pail to throw up in. There wasn’t one.

“What?” she said. “Too much for you?”

“A little,” I admitted.

“What are you, a prude?”

The words felt like a slap and I actually skittered back from my roommate.

“No,” I said hotly. “But, I’m not that kind of girl. I don’t do those things. I have school to worry about so I can keep my scholarship.”

“So you’re a freak?”

There it was, the ‘freak’ word again. It seemed like I couldn’t get away from the damn word. But unlike when I was sixteen, this time the word didn’t bother me.

“Sure, why not,” I said.

I’m the freak and yet she has a My Little Pony collection?

I kept my mouth shut. There was no point of getting into that with my roommate. I didn’t have time for the drama that surrounded roommates not liking each other. I had a G.P.A. to keep up.

“Whatever.”

Sabrina frowned and then immediately forced her face flat.

“My mom told me that frowning caused wrinkles earlier. I can’t wrinkle my face.”

“Why not?”

She looked at me as if I was an idiot.

“Because I’m going to be an actress,” Sabrina said. “Duh.”

Of course she was going to be an actress.

That’s exactly why she was in college.

How could I not have known that already?

Refraining from rolling my eyes, I turned back to my clothes and continued to unpack. This was going to be a long, long year.

* * *

What the hell was I thinking?

I sat in my dorm room staring at the wall. Classes didn’t start for another week and I was stuck here, in the cramped room, with absolutely nothing to do. I had no friends, I didn’t know where anything was, nothing. Basically I was screwed.

My hands itched to pick up the phone and dial my house number. My parents would come and pick me up, that I was sure of, and they would let me stay with them until the classes started. That’s what they wanted me to do to begin with. But I couldn’t call them, I wouldn’t. If I called them they would lecture me about how they were right and I was wrong.

So there I sat, bored and alone, while my roommate flittered about. Since the moment she unpacked, nearly two days ago, I hadn’t seen her for more than a couple of hours. She only came back to the room when she needed to sleep or change her clothes. I didn’t mind, though. The less I saw of her the better.

We were complete opposites. The best part about her being gone is that I could put a towel over her precious My Little Pony dolls. Their eyes freaked me the hell out and they looked perverted, staring at me as I changed. They had to go and I had to find some way of doing it.

Getting off the bed, I moved to my desk and started to organize the books and pencils around it. I would need to make labels for the hanging file folders, pick up post-it notes and highlighters, and a recorder before I would be able to step into the classroom. Was I obsessive?

Maybe.

I liked things in order… I liked knowing where things were and knowing that they would be there when I looked for them. As I organized the desk, there was a knock on the door.

Who could that be? No one in the dorm knew me and I hadn’t introduced myself to anyone. The knocking persisted and I slid from the seat, shuffling to the door. Turning the handle, I pulled the door open.

“Can I help you?” I asked in my most bored tone.

There was a guy standing there, fliers in his hands, his hair flopping over to one side covering his ice blue eyes.

“You’re new, right?” the guy asked me.

Considering that I was in the freshman dorms, I thought that the question was stupid. Of course I was new.

“No I’m not new,” I answered. “I like staying in the freshman dorms.”

Instead of the guy turning away like I hoped he would, he laughed, throwing his head back.

“You’re funny,” he said.

He held out his hand.

“I’m Turner. Turner Schmidt. I’m a sophomore here at Kingston University.”

After a moment I shook his hand.

“Nice to meet you. I’m Lily. Lily Williams.”

“Welcome Lily Williams to Kingston University.”

He handed me a flyer and I scanned the contents.

“There’s a concert this weekend, kind of like a welcome back to school thing. I hope you can come.”

“I’ll see if I can make it,” I said even though I knew I wouldn’t go.

I didn’t need a concert welcoming me to school in an attempt to make me feel included.

“I won’t make any promises though. I’m pretty busy right now.”

We could both see through the lie but Turner smiled anyway.

“Well I hope that you can come. It’s going to be a lot of fun,” Turner said.

He shuffled the papers around and then looked at me.

“I have to go finish handing these things out. See you around?”

“Yeah, see you around,” I said.

I watched him trot down the hall before I closed the door and returned to my desk. I laid the flyer down and stared at it.

Don’t start your new school year off with a thud…start it off with ROCK!

The beginning of school only comes once a year so let’s make it a great one!

The Banger Boys are performing, one night only, to begin this school year right.

FREE BOOZE to anyone and everyone! Come get a drink and bust a move!

August 31 at 9 p.m. on the great lawn. Be there or forever be known as a loser!

Don’t be square…rock out!

The flier was kind of lame. Whatever printer it was printed off of was running out of ink and the colors were dull and faded. I could barely make out the words and the paper itself was crumpled.

“Like I would be caught dead at some rock concert. Yeah, right.”

Crumpling up the paper, I tossed it into the trash and then climbed up on my bed. If that made me a square then I was okay with that. I wasn’t going to conform into someone I wasn’t just to ‘fit in’. Fitting in wasn’t going to get me anywhere in life.

With a sigh, I grabbed a book from my make-shift bookcase, pulled a blanket on top of me and began to read. Or at least I tried to read.

My mind kept going back to the flier and the guy who gave it to me. He was cute, I would admit that much. His eyes were to die for and his smile was infectious. But it didn’t matter; good girls never get guys like that. Good girls got the good boys with the pocket protectors and the degrees in accounting, psychology, or some other kind of typical major. Even though that should be what girls want, it’s hard not to be somewhat interested in the sexy bear drinker.

Against my own better judgment, I climbed out of bed, grabbed the flier out of the trash, and worked on smoothing it out. Reading the flier for a second time didn’t change the lame writing or pathetic attempt at clip art. Still, I folded the paper in half, and then quarters, until it was small enough to fit into my palm. Then I slipped the paper into the pocket of my notebook, out of sight but definitely not out of mind.

Now that I was up, I took the time to log into my computer and get on Facebook. I wasn’t the only one of my friends to go away for college. My group of friends were scattered across the country, none of them wanting to stay in the small town that we grew up in.

After Facebook finished loaded, I was greeted with a page full of pictures. My friends were already off making new friends, experiencing new things. They had pictures with boys, on boats, and dancing at some club. My friends were living their lives, shedding their own goody-goody images. I, on the other hand, was clutching to my image with as much strength as I could.

But why?

Beginning to feel sad that I wasn’t having as many experiences as my friends were, I closed Facebook and stared at my wall. It was not even ten o’clock and I was going to get into bed to go to sleep. There were parties going on all around campus but I kept myself in the room. How pathetic was that?

I was a loser in high school and I was going to be a loser in college too. I was going to go day by day, watching life pass me by, and I wasn’t going to care one bit. But aside from good grades, what was I going to be bringing with myself out of college? A degree, a possible future? That’s fine and dandy but what about everything else? What kind of stories, memories, would I have? Getting that ‘A’ in class or staying up late finishing the award winning paper? What about the rest of life?

My stomach twisted as I watched my future flash before my eyes. I was old and wrinkled, sitting in a rocking chair and reading with thick, coke-bottle glasses on my face. My husband would be sitting next to me, his glasses matching my own. We would sit there silently, neither of us trying to have any type of conversation. The silence wouldn’t be new; the two of us would have the type of marriage we would have; a marriage of convenience. We would have children who we never saw and my mind would be wrapped around the “what if’s” and harboring on the experiences I never had. The thought made me… Sick.

That night, as I sat alone in my dorm room, was the first night that I actually questioned my good girl status. Although I didn’t know it at the time, but that night was the night that I decided, subconsciously, that I didn’t want to be a good girl anymore.

Chapter Two

“So, like, this guy comes up to me and he’s, like, ‘hey you can be a model, have you ever thought of it?’ and I told him that I wanted to be a model,” Sabrina said to another girl from our dorm, Elizabeth. “Then he gave me his card!”

They squealed and I rolled my eyes, pressing my head phones harder against my ears. No matter how loud I turned on the music or how thick my head phones were, I could still hear the shrieks coming from the other side of the small room. Their voices sounded like nails on a chalk board and our small dorm room was beginning to feel a little too crowded for my liking.

“You are so lucky!” Elizabeth said. “What I wouldn’t give to get a real modeling agent’s number!”

“I know!” Sabrina agreed. “I’m at college for only four days and already it’s becoming the best time of my life!”

I wanted to lunge across the room and wring my roommate’s neck. Usually I wasn’t a violent person. I actually tried to be as calm and as patient as I could most times. But today… Today I had to dig my nails into the palms of my hands to keep from screaming.

Was there any way to move into a different dorm room. Maybe a singular dorm room? I should have listened to my mom and stayed home for college. What was I thinking? It’s hard to not second guess decisions sometimes.

Really hard.

“So are you going to the rock concert this weekend?” Elizabeth asked Sabrina.

I discreetly turned down the volume of my iPod to hear Sabrina’s answer. If she said yes, then I would have the whole room to myself again. But if not…well then I wouldn’t be starting off college a very happy person.

“Obviously,” Sabrina replied. “Who isn’t going to the concert? Well except maybe my lame roommate.”

Sabrina raised her voice when she said ‘lame roommate’, obviously hoping that I would hear her. This had been going on for the past few days.  I wasn’t going to let her get to me. She would not determine my self-worth.

“Hey lame-o,” Sabrina called out. “Hello?”

I could hear Sabrina but I chose to ignore her, keeping my nose deep in my book. Suddenly a pillow hit me square in the face. Was she fucking serious? What were we, children? Though rage was boiling inside of me, I took my headphones off with steady hands and turned to the two girls opposite of me.

“What is it Sabrina?” I asked.

“Why are you so lame?” she asked.

“Because I’m not a tool. I don’t like to fit in because it’s the supposedly ‘cool’ thing to do.”

Unlike you.

Even as I was saying those words, they began to feel like a lie.

“But that’s so… Weird,” Sabrina said. “Why did you dorm here if you’re going to be a hermit? The whole point of living in a dorm is to get out of who you used to be and become someone completely different!”

I paused, taking Sabrina’s words in. The girl who collected My Little Pony dolls was telling me to fit in? To have the ‘whole college experience’ and not to be a ‘hermit’? Part of me wanted to yell at her, tell her that she knew nothing about me.

Another part of me, a bigger part of me, wondered what it would be like to invent a whole new person. To shed the good girl image I carved so lovingly in the past and embrace another side of me. I went day by day being a good girl and questioning nothing. But now, miles away from my house, my good girl image was becoming suffocating. Good girls got good grades but I wasn’t having fun.

“So, let’s say that I didn’t want to be a hermit and I wanted to be someone different. How would I go about doing that?”

Sabrina and Elizabeth looked at me, surprise written all over their faces.

“But you like being the goody two shoes,” Sabrina said. “You said so yourself.”

“I can change my mind, can’t I?” I asked.

Neither girl said a word, they just stared at me, and I sighed.

“Listen I’m a good girl because that’s all I know... I never thought about being anyone different. I never wanted to be anyone different. But that was in high school and I’m not in high school anymore. I chose a college far away from my home so that my status wouldn’t follow me only to realize I brought it along with its own luggage.”

They continued to stare.

“So…”

I swallowed…gulped really. I couldn’t believe what I was about to do.

“So I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to go through college with no real adventure or experience. I want to have stories when I graduate, not just good grades.”

Sabrina looked at Elizabeth and I was sure that she was going to turn to me and throw some nasty comment my way. To my surprise, though, she didn’t. Instead, Sabrina crossed the room and flopped on the bed, throwing her arm around me.

“I can help you,” Sabrina said. “Isn’t that what roommates are supposed to do?  And anyway, all I wanted this whole time is to be friends with you.”

Yeah right.

“You have a funny way of showing it,” I said and Sabrina took the comment as a joke.

“Yeah well I’m a bitch, what do you want from me?” she said.

She pointed at Elizabeth.

“How about going out with us this weekend?”

“This weekend?” I repeated.

“Yeah… The concert.”

Sabrina wiggled her eyes suggestively and my heart constricted. What did I get myself into?

“It’s the perfect way to get out of your shell. Everyone is going to be at this concert, you know that. So if you go to the concert with your brand new image no one will ever know that you were once a goody two shoes.”

“Umm…”

“Come on. Just try to have fun for one night. Please?”

“I guess,” I said, but wasn’t so sure.

Did I really trust Sabrina to help me? What if she used my problem for her own gain and made me look like a blubbering idiot after all?

“Don’t worry, I know exactly where to start. Do you trust me?” Sabrina asked, grinning.

No.

“Sure,” I said and pasted a smile on my face.

Sabrina started talking about my make-up, hair, and clothes. She was naming so many things that I had trouble keeping up. This wasn’t extreme makeover.  I was just going to a party. Finally I tuned Sabrina out, realizing that she wasn’t talking to me as much as talking to herself, and let my mind wander.

What would my parents say if they found out that I was changing? What would they think if they found out that I was going to concerts and partying it up? They would drive here immediately and drag me back home by my hair. In the blink of an eye I would be enrolled in the first all-girls college that my mother could find. Neither of my parents would believe the ‘it’s all part of the college experience’ story.

What would I tell them if they asked me why I wanted to do it? How could I explain to my parents that I hated being the good girl and I wanted to experience life? I wanted to meet people and have fun. They wouldn’t understand that because neither of my parents tried to have fun. They were okay with sitting at home any night of the week, doing nothing but watching reruns of Wheel of Fortune and Golden Girls.

Would I tell them that, for once, I wanted to fit in? I wanted to be going with the crowd instead of against it. How did I expect them to understand it when I didn’t even understand it myself? It was ludicrous!

I should tell Sabrina that I had a change of heart. I’ll just tell her that image really isn’t me and I wouldn’t feel comfortable with it. At least I wouldn’t have to worry about what my parents would think. At least I won’t disappoint them. I could just not tell them but parents find out everything somehow.

“Lily, are you listening?” Sabrina asked suddenly.

Her voice snapped me back to the present and I stared at my roommate. The words were at the tip of my tongue but I couldn’t utter them. Deep down I knew I needed to at least try going out and it didn’t matter what it would do to my parents. I couldn’t worry about them. It had to be one or the other and this time I decided that it was going to be me.

“Sorry, what were you saying?” I said as I ran my hand through my hair. “I got a little distracted.”

Sabrina sighed but, surprisingly, kept her nasty retorts to herself.

“I said that we need to go shopping for you. Tonight. You can’t keep going around campus with what you are wearing now. You need something sexy that shows off that body of yours.”

“Shopping?” I stuttered. "I hate shopping."

"Come on. We don't have to be there all day."

"Well, I don't have much money so I won't be able to buy much."

"Then we can just shop for deals. How's that sound?"

I hadn't been shopping for a while. In high school I only went to the mall to eat at Bennigan's with my parents. Then we would shop afterward. It sounded like a lot more fun going with the girls.

"Okay, let's go. But only for a few hours."

"Deal."

Chapter Three

By the time Sabrina and I got back to the dorm rooms I was exhausted. My head hurt from the scents and sounds of women shopping and gossiping. My arms hurt from changing in and out of clothes at a rapid pace. All in all I felt like I was run over by a Mack truck. Sabrina, on the other hand, was still as bouncy and happy as she was when we entered the store six hours ago. She was like the energizer bunny; she kept going and going and going. I flopped down on my bed, too tired to so much more than lie down. Sabrina flittered around the room putting her clothes away and whistling.

“So how hot is the card for you Sabrina?” I asked with a grin.

Sabrina looked at me and laughed.

“I mean, by the work out that the card got today, I’m surprised that it hasn’t disintegrated yet.”

“Yeah well the card is in very good shape. I make sure of that every month or so. It gets a physical, you know.”

“Every few months?” I asked, shocked.

Sabrina goes shopping every few months? For what? What could she possibly need that badly to go shopping for? I never shopped unless I really needed something. There were times that I was so stubborn that I didn’t go shopping until I had only one thing left to use.

“How much do you spend then?”

“Just as much as I did today,” she admitted. “Sometimes more.”

More?! She spent nearly two thousand dollars on herself.

“And your father doesn’t notice?” I asked.

“Nope. I told you, my dad goes through money like it’s water. He’ll never miss the money now or any other time.”

“Wow,” I said.

I wasn’t sure if I was in awe or if I was disgusted. I never met anyone who had that much money, let alone able to spend that kind of money without a second thought.

“But it was worth it, don’t you think?” Sabrina asked and I knew that I was supposed to nod my head.

It didn’t matter if I really thought it was a good idea. Sabrina, I learned, liked to know that she was right with whatever she suggested. Underneath the party girl, Sabrina seemed to have  really low self-esteem. During our shopping trip she pulled me over to the side and explained that she had been a good girl. She had been a geek, a nerd. Sabrina ate in the bathroom every day at school just to keep from getting teased and bullied. She was overweight and covered in acne. High school was horrible for Sabrina and she refused to let college be the same thing. So she got skinny, took care of her acne, and became outgoing.

“I guess so. It was fun.”

“Do you like what you got?”

“I love them!” I said and smiled. “Even if I had to shop for deals. Thanks for taking me out.”

“No problem. I needed it as much as you.” Sabrina shrugged. “And now you can get rid of all of your lame clothes. They are disgusting, you know.”

She stuck out her tongue and shuddered.

“I thought that I was going to have to burn them when you were at class one day.”

“Nice, Sabrina. Great way to start the year.”

“Well the clothes are that disgusting!” she exclaimed. “I can’t help that, can I?”

“You’re ridiculous,” I muttered.

The two of us looked at each other before my lips curved into a smile.

“Are you hungry?”

“Starved, what do you want, Pizza or Chinese?”

“I can totally go for some sushi,” I told her.

Sabrina rummaged around in her desk drawer, pulling out menu after menu.

“Do you just have menus lying around, waiting?”

“I grabbed the menus to the best fast food places around here when I moved in. We can’t cook here so what the hell else are we supposed to do.”

It made sense.

“Well… Good job. At least one of us thought of this.”

“When your parents are away for most of your life, you kind of learn how to fend for yourself.”

Sabrina lost her smile and I shifted on my bed uncomfortably. An awkward silence filled the room. Sabrina sighed and looked at me.

“Well anyway, it’s whatever. I’m going to go order. You might want to hang up your clothes before they get wrinkled.”

“Sure, no problem.”

Sabrina slipped out of the room, clutching her phone to her hand.

* * *

Dear Mom and Dad,

Hey guys. First I want to say that I miss you… A lot. College is a heck of a lot different than I thought it was going to be. But it’s a not a bad different. It’s actually a pretty great different. The girl that is sharing my dorm with me, Sabrina, is awesome. At first I thought she was a little weird and she thought the same about me. She had these My Little Pony dolls on her dresser, all lined up and staring at me.

Anyway, since I know you’re wondering, I wanted you two to know that I am eating right and taking my vitamins. I’ve been exercising three times a week just like at home. I’m doing everything that I promised you that I would do if you let me live in a dorm.

Anyway, I better get going. I have a lot of books to pick up and things to organize. Classes are going to start soon and I don’t want to be ill prepared. As usual I’ll give you a call on Sunday night.

I love the two of you and I can’t wait to see you over break. Say hi to everyone over there for me.

XOXOX

Lily

Who uses email anymore?

I do.

I closed the computer and put it on the desk. It was nearly ten and I was exhausted. At least I knew that this time I was exhausted for a reason. Sabrina was off somewhere with Elizabeth, doing whatever those two did. She left shortly after we ate and she wore one of the many different outfits she bought that day. They didn’t invite me on their little outing and I was okay with that. I had enough of the Bobbsey twins for the next couple of days.

I lay down on the bed and curled up on my side. My eyes were heavy and I felt each muscle of my body relaxing. For once I didn’t chastise myself for the time as I closed my eyes and let my body fall into a deep, deep sleep.

* * *

What was I thinking?

I looked through my closet the next day. It held a rainbow of clothing, and more short skirts than I ever thought. How could I ever let Sabrina persuade me to buy all of these things?

“Don’t you dare over think this,” Sabrina said.

I jumped at the sound of her voice. I turned to see my roommate lying in bed, blankets wrapped around her body like some kind of cocoon. Her eyes were closed but there was a smile on her face.

“We had fun yesterday. You had fun yesterday so don’t you dare deny it. The clothes look kick ass on you. Just try it out, okay?”

“You sound like I actually have a choice,” I said.

“Even if you did have a choice, we both know what choice you would make.”

I closed my closet doors and went back to the bed.

“How was your night?” I asked Sabrina when she finally opened her eyes. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

“That’s because I’m like a ninja,” she joked. “I can get in and out of places without making a peep.”

“Are you going to actually get up? We have things to do! The weekend is only two days away.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.”

Sabrina shifted but she made no move to remove the covers.

“Give me five more minutes.”

“Sure, whatever,” I said.

Sabrina turned over and dug her head underneath her pillow. Rolling my eyes, I left the dorm room and shuffled down the hallway. The hallway was quiet and my footsteps echoed against the wooden floor. Everyone was nursing some kind of hangover or bad decision made. Boys were tangled around some girls while others slowly moved around.

Ah the life of the college student.

“Well hello there sunshine!” I heard someone call down the hall.

My head whipped up and I spied Turner on the other side of the hallway. When he saw me looking at him he waved his hands.

“Hey,” I said and quickly walked down the hall.

I didn’t want Turner to continue to yell and wake up the rest of the dorm. When I approached him, Turner pulled me into his arms and hugged me.

What was he doing? I didn't really mind. I hadn't been hugged by any guy that was not part of my family. This was already new territory for me and it seemed awkward. I could feel the heat radiating off of him and his body felt tense.

God, I was being hugged by a good-looking guy.

“How have you been? Did you decide whether or not you are coming to the concert?” Turner asked.

“I don’t know yet. It seems like fun but it’s right before classes. I’m not sure it’s a great idea.”

“Really? It’s the last hurrah before the nightmare of classes and exams. You have to come. It’s the only way to start the year off right.”

“I’ll think about it. But I’m not going to make any promises. There’s too much going on in my life.”

“Fair enough.”

Turner stepped back and stared at me.

“Do you want to go get some breakfast or something? We can eat some pancakes or something?”

“That sounds like a date and I don’t do dates.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t’ know you…”

“No, you don’t,” Turner admitted. “But how are you supposed to get to know me if you don’t go out with me?”

He was right, of course, but I didn’t let him know it.

I didn’t want him to know it.

“Sorry, Turner, but I can’t. I’m going out with my roommate actually. We have some plans and she’s just getting ready.”

“You’re roommates with Sabrina right?”

I nodded.

“Well then we can go to breakfast and you’ll still be back in time to go out with her.”

“What do you mean?”

“Rumor has it that she takes forever to get ready.”

It was true, Sabrina did take forever. I was running out of reasons to say no.

“Turner, I just can’t, okay?” I said. “I can’t.”

“You can’t?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to!”

I don’t know why the words came out of my mouth and the moment that they were out I wanted to pull them back in. Turner was cute and funny. He had a great personality. So why wasn’t I jumping at the chance to go out with him?

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “I’m sorry Turner.”

Putting my head down, I blindly walked away from him, only slightly aware that he was calling for me to come back. So much for the new me.

* * *

“You actually said that you didn’t want to go out on a date with him?!” Sabrina screeched as we sat at the café across the street from the college.

I winced and covered my ears with my hands. Passerby’s looked at us, frowning, and continued down the street.

“I actually said it,” I told her. “The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them really.”

“But why would you say no?” she asked. “I don’t understand. Turner is hot… Really hot! Plus, he’s a great kisser. You could definitely pick someone worse to be your first boyfriend.”

“You kissed him? And he should be my boyfriend?” I questioned. “Who said anything about a boyfriend? I don’t have time to worry about a boyfriend.”

“We kissed at a party, so what? And you’re pathetic. You’re not in high school anymore, Lily. You can’t hide behind your denim jumpers and converse high tops. If you want things to happen in your life you have to make them happen. There’s no more sitting on the sidelines. It doesn’t work like that.”

I wasn’t sitting on the sidelines…or at least I didn’t think I was. I was shy, what was so wrong with that?

“I can say the same to you. What are you doing except drinking and partying late at night. What do you want to happen in your life as a college student?”

Sabrina shrugged.

“I’m a freshman, I don’t have to figure that stuff out right now. And let’s face it, it doesn’t matter what I do. I’m a trust fund baby and my parents will always be there to pick me up if I screw up.”

“If only the rest of us could be so lucky,” I murmured as I drank my tea.

My mind kept flashing to Turner staring at me, asking me out.

Was I an idiot to say no? What if he really is as great as Sabrina says? Did I screw up my chance? I didn’t want to think like that. Was I supposed to just say yes? I barely knew him. But I could have given him a chance. I could have gone out on one date with him and it wouldn’t have been a big deal.

“Turner works at the bakery two doors down,” Sabrina said with a smirk.

“Yeah, and?”

“Don’t try to tell me that you’re not thinking about him. You think you made a mistake, don’t you?”

“Well…Yeah,” I admitted.

“So go make it better,” she suggested. “Go into the bakery and tell him that you were just shocked at his question. Tell him that you actually do want to go out with him. It’s not that hard.”

Yeah, for her maybe.

“Just walk up to him, all willy nilly?” I asked. “Isn’t that a little… Bold?”

“We’re not in the 1950’s anymore. We don’t have to sit in skirts, clean the kitchen, and then wait for a boy to call us.”

“Are you going to stand up and start charging now or is this the end of your speech?”

“Shut up,” Sabrina hissed. “If you don’t want to ask the boy out then don’t ask him out. But if you don’t, then I don’t want to hear you complain about any of that. Nut up or shut up.”

“Classy, Sabrina.” I stood up anyway and brushed the crumbs off my lap. “I’ll be right back.”

Clenching my hands into fists, I left the table and walked down the block to the bakery that Sabrina pointed out. My heart was racing and I felt like I was going to faint. I was never asked out by a boy, let alone asked one out. I had no idea what the protocol was for this type of thing. I was flying in there, blind.

Bells jingled as I pushed the door open and stepped inside. The air conditioner cooled off the shop and I found myself wrapping my arms around my body to keep warm. Turner was behind the counter, talking animatedly to an older woman. As he talked, she smiled and patted his arm. The hat she wore flopped over one eye and every few minutes he would push it back with his free hand. Finally Turner rang the woman up for her order and waved goodbye. I stepped to the side, letting her walk out of the bakery.

“Hey,” Turner said.

“Hey yourself,” I said, trying to sound casual.

“How did you find out that I worked here?”

“I have my ways…” I said, smiling.

“So Sabrina told you?” Turner asked with a knowing grin.

“Yeah,” I admitted. “We’re having some coffee down the block and I thought that I would come and say hey.”

“Oh?” Turner said. “That’s the only reason why you’re here?”

My heart stopped. He was trying to flirt with me again and, again, I was struck dumb.

“Well maybe not the only reason,” I said when I finally found my voice again.

“So why are you here?” Turner asked one more time.

I stared at him, losing myself in his dream like eyes, as I desperately hoped that a customer would walk in. No such luck. It was just Turner and me, alone. My knees tremored and I sat down in the nearest chair.

“Look I don’t do this type of thing,” I admitted, looking at the ground. “I have no idea what I’m doing or what I’m supposed to be doing.”

“Uh, okay.”

Turner was obviously confused and I couldn’t blame him.

Here I was, visiting him at work, acting like a complete freak. I could only imagine what he thought of me.

“What type of thing are you talking about?”

“Dating, you asked me out earlier-”

“I am aware.”

“And I said no.”

“Again, I’m aware.”

As I looked at Turner I could see his brow furrowing and his lips pointing down into a frown. Great, I had made angry. That was a brilliant idea.

“I didn’t mean to say no,” I said, finally able to spit the words out. “I got nervous and flustered. No came out of my mouth faster than yes did.”

“So…”

“So I came here to see if the offer was still open. I want to know if you want to go to the concert with me?”

“Sure,” he said and started to wipe down tables.

Sure. It was so simple and yet it changed everything.

“I’ll pick you up at seven.”

“Sounds good.”

I stood up and turned to the door.

“I’ll see you later okay?”

“I’ll be here.”

Then I left the bakery.

I have have a date.

Suddenly the words sank in.

Oh. My. God.

I have a date this weekend.

Chapter Four

“This is why I never go out on dates,” I told Sabrina.

My side of our dorm room, which was usually pristine and perfect, looked like a bomb exploded. Clothes were everywhere; on the chair, on the bed, and strewn all over the floor. I couldn’t move without a threat of tripping and breaking an ankle. But, if I was honest with myself, breaking an ankle would be welcomed if that meant that I didn’t have to go out on the date. I was overly anxious and stressed.

“It’s too much work, too much stress. Who the hell wants to be this stressed out?”

“You’re only stressed out because you’re letting yourself get stressed out,” Sabrina told me. “You need to take a few deep breaths and relax. Dating is not really that hard.”

“And you know this because of all the dates you went out on?”

Sabrina was constantly telling me how easy everything was and how I was such a worry wart. But she had only been on only a few dates herself.

“Harsh,” Sabrina huffed. “Why are you being such a bitch?”

“I’m the bitch? I’m not being a bitch. I’m nervous and worried and you keep being so flippant about it all. Maybe it’s not so easy for me and such a happy experience. I know lots of girls that get this way.”

“Why? You are top notch meat. Any guy would be happy to sleep with you.”

“Sleep with me? Am I supposed to be having sex with Turner tonight?!”

“You’re not supposed to, but that’s usually how dates end, Lily.”

That wasn’t going to happen. I knew nothing about sex or having sex. Sabrina knew Turner… And that he would expect sex…

“I can’t go on this date. I’m going to call him and cancel.”

I went to go pick up my phone but Sabrina batted it out of my reach.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“Stop being such a prude, go on the Goddamn date. If you do it, you do it. Don’t over think things, it’s not helping the situation. Go with the flow…Don’t you know how to do that?”

She didn’t know my past so there wasn’t any way she would understand.

“Do I look like the type of person who can go with the flow?” I hissed. “I can’t have sex with Turner. I’m not going to have sex with somebody I hardly know because that’s what usually happens. If he thinks he’s going to get in my pants then he’s going to be disappointed.”

“Then tell him no!” Sabrina exploded. “If you don’t want to, then say no. It’s as easy as that! God!”

Sabrina jumped off her bed and stomped to the door.

“I can’t deal with you right now. There’s too much crazy here for me.”

With a growl, Sabrina left the room and slammed the door behind. I was left alone, in the middle of the room, with no idea as to what to wear.

What a great way to start the night.

The date seemed so daunting.

I slipped on a fire engine red skirt. I matched it with a block halter top with a deep V that left little to the imagination. Slipping on the pair of knee high boots that Sabrina insisted I should wear, I gave myself a look over in the mirror. My hair was mussed in waves around my face. Even without make-up I still didn’t recognize myself. Here goes nothing.

Eight o’clock on the dot there was a knock at the door. I opened it to see Turner standing on the other side, flowers in his hand, and a grin on his face.

“Am I late?” he asked as I ushered him into the room.

There was still no sign of Sabrina but I was okay with that. For once I embraced my solitude.

“No, right on time,” I told him.

Turner handed me the flowers.

“Those are for you,” he said.

“They’re gorgeous. Thank you.”

Filling up a pitcher with water, I placed the flowers in them, pulling the stems apart to separate the bunch. It was the first time I ever got flowers before.

“Are you hungry or anything? Do you want something to drink?”

“To be honest I’m too nervous to be hungry or thirsty.”

My heart melted at his comment. He was nervous? To go out on a date with me? It was adorable and relaxed my nerves too since I felt the same way.

“Don’t be nervous…” I said to him. “I’ve been telling myself the same thing so we’re both in the same situation. I don’t want our nerves to get in the way of the two of us having some actual fun, you know?”

Turner gave me a grateful smile.

“I hear that this is supposed to be the biggest concert of the year. A great kick off… Is that true?” I asked, trying to change the subject.

“Yeah,” Turner said. “Last year there was a bond fire and carnival rides. It’s not just a concert, it’s a whole big to do… Just so we have a bit of fun before the hell begins.”

“Sounds like everyone is going to be there…”

“They are. Everyone wants to say that they were there at the big kick off. If you aren’t there, you’re kind of lost the rest of the year. People talk about the kick off for at least the fall semester.”

“So be honest with me… Is there a lot of drinking at this thing?”

Turner cocked and eyebrow and his smile faltered.

“A lot… No,” Turner said slowly. “But there is drinking. Is that a problem?”

“No… Of course not,” I said with a laugh.

I wasn’t about to tell Turner that I didn’t drink; that I only had a couple drinks in my whole life. Nothing could turn him off more than that, I figured. I didn’t want to sound like a complete loser right away.

“What’s your favorite drink?”

“A jack and coke,” Turner said.

“Well then you’ll have to get me one tonight,” I responded with a wink. “I want to see what it’s all about.”

If Turner could see through my façade he didn’t say anything. I looked at my watch and my eyes bulged.

“We better get going if we want to make it to the concert,” I said to him.

I grabbed a jacket and my bag. Turner held the door open for me and I slipped through, locking it behind us.

“Don’t worry about being too late,” Turner assured me. “We won’t miss anything. The concert doesn’t start until at least an hour later than they say.

“So why not tell people the real time?”

It was a good question. Too many events were like this anymore and it was kind of annoying..

“Because the best part about this type of concert is waiting and anticipating the music. It also gives people enough time to get nice and drunk.”

“Why drunk?”

“Because the music is so much better when you’re drunk.”

I stared at Turner, wondering if he was joking or being serious. Oh geez, he’s serious. I realized it when he didn’t start laughing.

“Why?”

This time Turner did laugh.

“You want the truth?”

“Obviously.”

“The music sucks. Every year the music sucks. Drinking is the only way to get through it without wanting to rip the hair out of your head.”

“But then why continue it every year?”

Turner shrugged.

“It’s tradition. You don’t mess with tradition here. If you do, or even if you try to, you’ll be tarred and feathered before you know it.”

“Are you serious?”

“Deadly. This is serious stuff that happens here. You don’t try to change it.”

He began laughing.

“You’re joking aren’t you?”

“Sort of…”

The two of us stepped into the elevator and pressed the first floor button. Standing next to each other, Turner and I each looked different ways, lost in our own thoughts.

“If I haven’t said it already, you look really pretty tonight.”

“Thanks,” I said and felt myself warming. “I wasn’t so sure about the outfit. I thought maybe it was too….” Revealing? Slutty? “Not me,” I decided to explain. “I’m not used to showing so much of my body.”

Was I really trying to explain my outfit choice?

“Why not? You have a body that was made to be shown off.”

Almost immediately Turner put his hand over his mouth and closed his eyes. “I’m sorry, that sounded wrong, totally wrong. I didn’t mean to say that… Or at least to make it sound so pervy.”

“It’s fine.”

He had about the same amount of confidence that I had.

“I’m not that type of guy,” he continued to explain. “My mother taught me to be a gentleman and she would have my ass if she knew what I said.”

“Well, then maybe I should give her a call,” I teased. “I’m kidding. Turner, you worry too much, did anyone ever tell you that?”

I was the same way though.

“More than once.  I’m what they call a ‘worrywart’.”

“That makes two if us.” I smiled. “I’m a bit neurotic myself.”

The elevator opened and we stepped out into the first floor. Turner rushed forward to open the door. We stepped into the night, the warmth and humidity encompassing us like a blanket.

“Thank you.”

“My pleasure.”

Turner held out his arm and I linked mine through, letting him guide me towards the Great Lawn. Turner was a… Gentleman. It came off as a little cheesy but at least he was nice. Others were milling about, all slowly making their way to the grass. I could smell the booze from where we were and the hum of voices greeted us as we sifted into the crowd.

Sabrina was sitting on a rock, a cigarette in one hand and a drink in the other. Sabrina smokes? I couldn’t help but wonder if the cigarette was to look cooler and fit in better. Elizabeth stood next to her, nursing a red solo cup.

“Hey guys,” I said and waved at my roommate.

Sabrina waved back and the two of them blatantly stared at Turner and me as we passed. Turner nodded at them but didn’t remove his arm from mine.

“Have fun!” Sabrina cried out. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

I ignored Sabrina’s comment and held Turner’s arm tighter. I didn’t want him to think that I spent my time gossiping about him.

“Can I get you a drink?” Turner asked when we finally stopped a bit of a ways from the crowd.

I shimmed up on a rock, keeping my legs crossed and putting my jacket over my lap to stop myself from flashing anyone.

“Sure. Whatever you’re having.”

Turner squeezed my arm.

“I’ll be right back,” he said and disappeared into the crowd.

I shifted on the rock, trying to relax, as I looked at the scene in front of me. People were already drinking and dancing even though no music was playing. I averted my eyes from a couple of people grinding up against each other, the girl’s skirt riding up on her tanned thighs. Any higher and she would be showing off everything. That was probably her plan. She wanted to be noticed, no matter what it meant. She didn’t care about what people said about her as long as they were talking about her.

A twig snapped to the left of me and I turned my head to see a guy sauntering up to me, a cocky grin covering his face.

“Are you an angel because I’m sure I just saw you falling from heaven.”

You have got to be kidding me. Could he be any cornier?

“I’m sorry, do those lines actually work on girls?” I asked.

The guy paused and then threw his head back in a boisterous laugh.

“Usually, except now.”

“I’m so sorry that I have more than two brain cells in my head,” I retorted. “Can I help you?”

“I don’t know, can you?”

Oh, I was dealing with a smart ass. This was perfect. I looked around for Turner but didn’t see him emerging from any part of the crowd.

Come on Turner, come back already.

“I’m Nash.”

“And I should care because?” I said as I stared at him.

Was he seriously standing there and bothering me with his lousy pick-up lines? Did I not make it clear enough that I wanted nothing to do with him?

“I’m the main singer in the band you came to see.”

“Good to know.”

I looked Nash over. He was good looking, I would give him that. He had a mop of black hair, the color that most couldn’t pull off, but it complimented his green eyes and tanned skin that were covered in tattoos. He wore a button down shirt, opened, and I could see the faint outline of muscle tone. Against my will my body started to hum.

Come on Lily.

He’s sexy…

He’s also incredibly dumb.

His narrow waist disappeared behind loose fitting jeans, ripped at the bottom, and his sneakered feet.

“So…do you have a name?”

“Of course I have a name…”

Again Nash laughed but it wasn’t a malicious laugh. It was a whimsical laugh that disappeared with the wind.

“Okay, I’ll admit it. That was a stupid question. It’s probably one of the stupidest questions I’ve ever asked.”

He took another drink.

“Well at least we’re in agreement about that,” I said.

This time I smiled at him, my cold shoulder growing warmer by the minute. Nash shifted on his feet and ran a hand through his hair. It bounced once and then lay back down exactly in the position it started in.

“So can I have your name?”

“It’s Lily…”

I opened my mouth to say more when I finally spotted Turner. He carried two cups and was smiling as he walked towards me. His smile abruptly disappeared when he saw Nash.

“Nash,” Turner said.

“Turner,” he replied. “Long time no see. How are you doing buddy?”

“Fine.”

Turner stepped between Nash and me, blocking him from my view.

“Do you want to walk around a little? I want to check everything out.”

I wanted to ask Turner what exactly he hoped to check out. It wasn’t as if things changed a lot, at least to him. From what he told me, the concert was the same, year after year.

But Turner’s face lost all its color and his chin trembled just slightly. There was something between these two guys… What had happened between them? Why, when Turner saw Nash, did he change so much?

“Sure,” I said and carefully slid off the rock.

I peeked around Turner’s shoulder.

“See you around Nash.”

“Thanks.”

Nash never lost his smile, even as Turner took my hand in his and pulled me away. Turner didn’t talk to me. I just followed him through the crowd of sweaty, drunk college students. My feet were killing me and I knew now why I hadn’t worn heels until that night.

I wanted to ask Turner to stop, or at least to slow down, but his grip on my hand stopped me from making the suggestion. I knew that Turner wanted to get me as far away from Nash as possible.

Finally the two of us stopped. I had no idea where we were, or where Nash was. Turner pulled me away from the crowd and we hung out against a tree, watching students continue to arrive. I could hear the echo of conversations fluttering over to me but I couldn’t hear what they were talking about. Turner turned to me and frowned, distracted.

“Turner,” I said slowly, tentatively. “What was that about? What’s with you and Nash.”

“Nothing. Nothing is going on.”

I knew it wasn’t my business, I knew that, but I pushed anyway.

“That wasn’t nothing.”

“Lily-”

“I know it’s none of my business and I know I shouldn’t be asking but you look so… Angry. You practically dragged me away from him like I was some kind of child.”

“I’m sorry,” he said and pulled me close to him.

He held my hand and stared into my eyes.

I could feel our bodies mixing together and I wouldn’t have minded if he just kissed me.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s not a big deal.”

I was telling the truth, it wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t the first time I saw two guys circle each other like two animals ready to attack.

“Nash and I go back… Way back. I’ve known him since we were kids.” Turner cleared his throat and I stood there, waiting. “We were inseparable.”

“So what happened?” Turner laughed a short, harsh laugh.

“What happened?” Turner repeated. “What didn’t happen? One night I come home after a long day of work and find the asshole screwing my sister.”

My eyes popped and I gasped.

“Are you serious?”

Turner nodded.

“He had her up against the wall like some kind of whore. It was sickening.”

I nodded, sick myself. I couldn’t imagine what Turner felt when he walked in on the scene in front of him. I knew that if that happened to me I would have flipped out.

“What did you do?”

“I grabbed the douchebag by the collar of his shirt and threw him out of the house. I told him that I didn’t want to see him at my house anymore and if I did, I would ruin him. Thankfully he listened. Now, the only time I see him is at these stupid concerts.”

Turner shook his whole body out and then smiled at me.

“And now I have made this, officially, the worst date ever.”

“It’s not ruined,” I assured him. “We still have the rest of the night.”

After a moment of hesitation, I pulled Turner down and kissed his cheek.

“Let’s make the most of it.”

Chapter Five

The music was deafening. Turner was next to me, jumping up and down. He had a drink in his hand that he expertly kept from falling and took glugs from every few minutes. It was his fourth drink while I just finished my second. I wasn’t sure if he was drunk yet or still getting there but I didn’t want to find out. My feet were killing me and so was my head. All I wanted to do was go home and climb into bed.

It was easy to get me drunk since it was my first time drinking that much.

I tugged at Turner’s arm, attempting to get his attention, but he didn’t feel it. He screamed at the top of his lungs at the music and fist bumped the guy next to him. Turner was having the time of his life but I had no idea why. If Turner hated Nash so much, how could he enjoy the music so much? Didn’t that contradict each other?

It had to be the alcohol.

Finally the music stopped. My ears were ringing but the pounding in my head became worse. I felt nauseous and disoriented.

Was I really drunk?

I started laughing to myself. Who asks themselves if they are drunk or not? Most already know the answer to the question. Turner downed the rest of this drink and then turned to me. His cheeks were rosy red and his eyes were glazed over.

“Alright all, The Renegation are taking a little break. The other band is going be filling in for us for a bit. Rock on!” Nash said and the band exited the stage.

A bunch of college girls screamed Nash’s name even though he wasn’t on stage anymore. He could probably get a date with any of them.

“Isn’t this awesome?!” Turner cried as he squeezed my hand.

“I don’t feel that great,” I admitted.

Turner’s face contorted into a look of concern.

“You look… Sick.”

“I think I am. I’m sorry, Turner. Now I’m the one who is ruining the date.”

I took a breath but it only made me more nauseous.

“I think I need to go back to the dorm and sleep this off.”

Turner looked at the stage, then at me, then back at the stage. It was obvious that he was torn about leaving the concert or leaving me.

What a first date this was.

“I can get back to the dorm by myself.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah it’s fine,” I said. “You’ve looked forward to this night for a while. I don’t want to ruin it for you. I’ll call you tomorrow or something?”

“Yeah, I’ll stop by tomorrow morning to see how you are.”

“Great,” I smiled at him. “I did have fun tonight, you know, before I got sick.”

Turner bent down and before I could react, his lips were on mine. They were swift and chilled, tasting like jack and coke.

Then he let off.

“See you tomorrow,” he said.

Too dazed to do anything else, I waved to Turner and then started to weave through the crowd as the new band began to play. I got out of the crowd just as they started to get rowdy.

Thank goodness.

I kicked my shoes off, hooking them around my fingers. I started to walk through the thick grass, letting the blades slip through my toes. All I wanted was a bed.

“Leaving so soon?” A voice behind me said.

I turned to see Nash walking up behind me. He had his one hand in his pocket while the other was slinging a leather jacket over his shoulder. He didn’t look like a douchebag, or the type of person to take advantage of someone else. Still, Turner’s story stuck in my mind.

Plus, I had a past that I didn’t want to relive with him.

“What’s up?” I said once he caught up with me.

“Oh nothing. Where are you going? Didn’t you like the concert?”

“It was okay, but I’m not feeling well. A little too drunk.”

“You think? Shouldn’t you know something like that?”

“Not if you haven’t drank but a couple times before.”

“Gotcha.”

Suddenly the nauseous feeling overwhelmed me and rushed over to the closest garbage can.

“Are you okay?”

“I feel like I’m going to puke,” I said.

“You’ll learn, it’s more common up here in college.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better.”

“Well then maybe I should walk you home.”

I shook my head and held up my hand.

“No, I’ll be okay.”

“I insist.”

“But your concert?”

“We won’t be back on for at least a half hour. I have plenty of time.”

“Did you really sleep with Turner’s sister?”

The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them. I put my hands over my mouth.

I really shouldn’t drink.

“I’m so sorry,” I said.

Shit.

“It’s fine,” Nash said. “But do you want to know the actual answer?”

No.

“Yes.”

“Well, yeah. It shouldn’t be a big deal either. It’s not the way Turner thinks it is. He never really gave me a damn chance to explain.”

“What is there to explain? You slept with his sister.”

“So? We were in love… And she wanted it as much as me.”

Haven’t I heard that before.

“Come on, Nash. Love? That’s what every guy says.”

“I did!” Nash cried. “I loved Turner’s sister so much.”

“So then what? What happened?”

I don’t know why I cared. Maybe it was to understand Turner more or to have something to talk about while I walked back to my dorm.

“We were in a relationship but I didn’t want to tell Turner because he can be a bit over protective.”

“So you had sex with her?”

“Yes, we made love. I already said that. Why does this matter?”

This time I grinned and shook my head. Who used the phrase ‘made love’ anymore? It was so old fashioned.

“It doesn’t matter now. That was back in high school. Plenty of hot chicks at this school to forget her.”

“I guess,” I said.

It didn’t surprise me that it was easy for him to forget her after seeing all those girls screaming his name.

Nash opened the door to the dorm for me and waited until I passed through. Then he pushed the button and the two of us waited for the elevator to reach the main floor.

“You still should have told Turner this.”

“How could I?”

“I don’t know…”

“Not only did he not give me a chance to explain, every time I tried he said that I was a liar. He flipped out and told me never to fucking come back. There was no way that I could fix anything no matter how much I tried. Turner cut me off in everything I tried to do. He kept his sister from talking to me, pushed me out of his life. Hell he even managed to turn his parents against me. We were best friends and then after that moment he was my biggest enemy. It doesn’t matter. I’m over that shit.”

My heart ached for Nash. I knew that his side of the story probably wasn’t completely true. Then again, I didn’t think Turner had it correct either. There might have been information missing, forgotten, or dismissed. Who knew? What I did know, though, was Nash’s story was heart wrenching. He tried to act like it didn’t bother him but how couldn’t it?

“How many times did you try to talk to him?” I asked as we stepped into the elevator.

“Too many to count. At some point I stopped, though. It never worked and I just gave up and cut my losses. Don’t worry about it though,” he said and swung his arm around my neck.

I pushed it off.

What did he think, that he was going to get lucky with me?

He was obviously worried about doing things with me more than his and Turner’s relationship. But I was a fixer and wanted to repair their friendship.

Maybe I should try to talk to Turner… See if I can get him to see the other side. All the signs pointed for me to stay out of it. It wasn’t my business and I really didn’t want to get involved in some long, drawn out drama. But like I said, I’m a fixer.

“So do you want me to come in?” he asked as we lingered by my dorm room door.

Sabrina would still be at the concert and we would be alone…

“I don’t think so…” I responded as I inserted the key into the lock.

“Really?”

He was obviously not used to getting turned down.

“Yeah. Honestly, I feel a little weak. I just need to sleep this off,” I said.

“All right, maybe some other time then. Back to the concert I go.”

There would be plenty of girls he could sleep with there.

First college party.

First college date.

First guy that tries to get with me.

I was on a roll…

I was also already chickening out.

“Thanks for walking with me back to my dorm”

“No problem, see you around.”

When I got inside I fell face first into my bed and fell sleep.

Chapter Six

The first thing I noticed the next morning was the fact that I was hunched over the garbage can. I had been throwing up God knows what all night.

My body ached, more than it did before, and I winced as I sat up, stretching. My body was sticky with sweat and God knows what else. I think it’s time to shower, I told myself and forced myself to sit up. Grabbing my robe, I slipped my arms through and wrapped it tightly around my naked body.

A second later the door to my room opened and Sabrina came sauntering in. Her makeup was smeared and her hair was matted in different places.

“Oh my God, are you okay?” I asked as I stared at her.

She carried her shoes in her hand and padded into the room in dirty, bare feet.

“I’m fine,” Sabrina said.

She plopped down on the bed and stared at me.

“The night was amazing, one of the best nights that I’ve had in a while.”

She eyed me carefully.

“And what about you? Turner said you went home early?”

“Yeah I wasn’t feeling well.”

I opted to leave out the part about Nash walking me back to the dorm. I didn’t need to be part of the rumor mill.

“I’m not used to drinking and I think I had too much last night. When I got back to the dorm I threw up and then went straight to bed.”

The story wasn’t a complete lie but it wasn’t exactly the truth either. I couldn’t help but think about Nash hitting on me. It wasn’t something I was used to. While Nash was worried about getting me naked, Turner just wanted to jam out at the concert.

“That sucks,” Sabrina said and I let out a sigh of relief. “Turner was bummed too. He was having a lot of fun with you last night.”

“He was?” I asked, surprised. “How do you know?”

“He told me when I bumped into him. He thought that it was his fault you left or something.”

“He did?”

“Yeah, but I told him that it wasn’t the reason. I mean I don’t know you that well but I figured that you wouldn’t just leave a date for no good reason.”

“Well… Thanks.”

I smiled at Sabrina all the while I feeling like I was being punched in the gut. Although I didn’t intend on going home with anyone, it still happened. While I was getting hit on by the enemy, Turner was worried about me and the date. This was a real disaster.

The two guys that actually show interest in me just had to be enemies from the beginning.

“No problem.”

“Well I need to go take a shower,” I said and grabbed my shower caddy.

“Lunch later?” Sabrina asked.

I nodded, not really listening. Too much was on my mind.

“Sure, whatever.”

I quickly exited the room.

Once in the shower, I turned the water on as hot as I could and stood under the needles. I let the water rush over me as I thought about Nash and Turner. As mean as Turner painted Nash, there was a part of him that was honest, genuine, and caring. He did walk me back to my dorm.

And he also thought I was sexy... Then there was Turner. He was fun, exciting, and always knew how to laugh. Our first date started off great and I was sure it would have ended just as great if I hadn’t gotten sick. I wanted to get to know Turner better.

So there I was, alone in the shower, wondering how in the world I had managed to get myself into the predicament that I was in. How did a girl, who came to college knowing nothing about relationships, of guys in general, manage to get involved with not just one but two guys? Sworn enemies to that fact?

Chapter Seven

The first day of classes…

Dreadful.

Usually I would be jumping up and down, ready to start learning. I was one of the few who loved school, loved learning, and didn’t mind getting homework. All the way through high school I would do the assignments given to me and then some. I handed in extra credit on things that the teachers didn’t ask for. I would read text books for fun and write essays on literature that was well over the high school level. Why? I had no idea. It was fun to me. Sure, on the weekend I would hang out with my friends, but if I was honest with myself I would say that I would have rather been at my house, alone and studying, then out with other people.

Today, though, I was not excited for classes to start. My nerves had been on edge ever since the night with Nash and Turner. Turner tried to get a hold of me but every time he called I would ignore it and whenever we bumped into each other, which was more than I liked, I would think of some kind of excuse. He was getting suspicious, that much I knew, but I couldn’t be around him or Nash.

They were both corrupting my mind. I knew I needed to keep all my concentration on school if I wanted to keep my scholarships.

I packed my backpack with great care, mostly stalling, while Sabrina fixed up her make up in the mirror. She, as usual, looked perfect while I still felt like a child playing dress up. I knew I would get used to wearing my new clothes sooner or later. Somehow they attracted Nash and Turner and I didn’t need to attract any more guys.

“What’s wrong?” Sabrina suddenly asked. “You look sick.”

“No I’m fine,” I said but frowned.

“Right, because you look so fine. You look amazing actually.”

Sarcasm dripped from her words as she turned to me. She stuck her make up in her pocket and went to her own bag.

“Why have you been cock blocking Turner?” I nearly choked on the gum that I was chewing.

“Excuse me?” I asked, stunned. “What are you talking about?”

“You’re cock blocking him,” Sabrina accused. “You went on the one date with him, got sick, and now you’re not talking to him. Are you embarrassed or something?”

“Embarrassed of what? What should I be embarrassed about?”

“I don’t know, the fact that you got sick or the fact that you can’t hold your liquor. You could be upset about anything…”

“I’m not embarrassed or upset.”

“Then what is it? Why aren’t you returning his calls or anything?”

“Maybe I don’t want to give him false hope,” I told her. “Maybe I’m just not into him like that and I’m trying to let him down but he’s just not getting it. Maybe I just need to concentrate on school.”

“No that’s not it. You’re attracted to Turner, I can tell, but something is holding you back. What is it? Are you ashamed of being a virgin?”

“Yeah,” I said, finding my way out. “He’s probably been with a ton of girls.”

I prayed that it would be the end of the conversation. I was hoping that, since Sabrina got answers she obviously needed, she would drop the subject.

No such luck.

“Well then obviously you don’t know guys very well.”

Sabrina walked over to me, her skirt swishing against her waist and thighs.

“Guys love to be a girl’s first. It makes them feel more important or something. You tell Turner you’re a virgin and he’ll cum in his pants before he even sees you naked.”

I had a feeling that Sabrina was being a little eccentric but I didn’t want to ask.

“Seriously, Lily, tell Turner you’re a virgin and you will have him wrapped around your finger in no time.”

“Jesus Sabrina. That will be my decision. Please don’t go gossiping to Turner about what I told you. I don’t want him to know anything unless I decide to tell him, okay?”

Sabrina ran her fingers over her lips in a zippered motion.

“You’re secret is safe with me,” Sabrina said.

Yeah but for how long?

I didn’t want to imagine what would happen if Sabrina told Turner what I told her. Not only was it too personal for anyone else to know, it was also a lie. But I didn’t want anyone to know how I lost mine.

“I have to go or I’m going to be late,” I said and I zipped my backpack up. “See you tonight.”

“See ya,” Sabrina called out as I left the room, closing the door behind me.

“Hey.”

I jumped and turned to my left only to see Turner staring at me. His hair was wet and his eyes were shining.

“Damn Turner, you scared the shit out of me,” I said.

Dear God I hoped he didn’t hear our conversation.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

“Waiting for you. I thought I would walk you to class.”

“Why didn’t you knock?” I asked.

“I just got here,” Turner said. “I was about to knock when I noticed the door opening.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. If Turner truly did just get to the door then there was no way that he could have heard anything.

“Sorry for scaring you.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “But I didn’t expect you here.”

“I know,” Turner said, “But you’ve been so busy lately that I figured that this was the only way that I could see you.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. Getting ready for classes and all.”

The two of us stepped into the elevator and rode it down in silence. When the door opened I gasped. Standing in front of us was Nash. He was talking to a girl and they were laughing animatedly. My stomach knotted in jealousy… A walk back to the dorms with him and this was happening to me.

I’m not going to be jealous.

I’m not going to be jealous.

I’m not going to be jealous.

Who was the girl and why was he laughing with her? Was he involved with her? No strings, no problems, I reminded myself. I wasn’t looking for a relationship. It doesn’t matter who she is or what they’re doing together.

I was jealous.

Suddenly Nash turned and our eyes met. I could hear Turner yammering on about something next to me but the words were muffled and incoherent. My gaze went into tunnel vision as Nash and I stared at each other.

“Hey, you’re Lily, right?” Nash said finally.

I furrowed my eyebrows but Nash winked secretly.

“Yeah that’s Lily,” Turner said for me. “What’s it to you?”

“It’s nothing,” Nash said smoothly. “I just remember her being with you the other night and I wanted to say hi.”

“Well you did and now you can leave,” Turner hissed.

I rolled my eyes at Turner’s anger. The other girl looked at me and I shrugged, feigning ignorance when it came to the two boys.

“Come on, Lily, let’s go. I don’t want to be late.”

“What class do you have?” Nash asked.

He stepped in front of me, blocking me from moving on with Turner.

“Introduction to Psychology. We both have it, Turner and I.”

“What a coincidence, I have it too,” Nash said and my jaw dropped.

He had to be kidding me.

“I was walking Anna over there back to the dorms and I was going to go. I guess I’ll see you there.”

“I guess so,” I muttered.

Nash stepped out of the way and let me pass which I did quickly. When Turner and I finally made it through the doors Turner growled.

“I hate that son of a bitch,” he said. “He’s so cocky and sure of himself. Did you see how he was trying to hit on you? He thinks he can have any girl he wants!”

“He’s probably not really like that,” I found myself saying. “I know you have issues with him because of your sister but I don’t think he’s some kind of Casanova. Maybe he really did care for your sister.”

“Like hell he did,” Turner muttered. “He used her just like he uses every other girl. She was a notch on his belt and that’s it.”

Turner looked at me.

“Why are you defending him? You don’t know him and you don’t know his past.”

I didn’t know why I was defending him. For all I knew Nash could have been lying.

“I just think that whatever happened in high school should stay in high school,” I finally said. “We’re in college. Don’t you want to shake off all the anger and resentment and enjoy college? Or would you rather spend the next four years cursing Nash like you have been?”

“He's a sophomore so it's only a couple of more years. But I hate him. I hate him and I want to strangle him until the life drips from his body. He hurt my sister and my family. We treated him like another son and brother. He repays us by fucking my sister. How can I get over that?”

“Maybe he loved her,” I said and closed my eyes.

Those words should have never left my mouth.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“No, tell me what you said.”

Turner grabbed my arms and turned me to him. We were face to face.

“What did you say?”

“Maybe he loved her,” I repeated. “Maybe he truly loved her and never got a chance to explain that to you.”

“Are you saying that I overreacted? That I have no right to be angry?”

“I’m not saying any of that!”

I was falling quickly off the ledge.

“I’m just saying that there might be some things you don’t know or understand. Things that, maybe, you didn’t think of back then. It’s possible, isn’t it?”

Turner paused.

“Possible, maybe,” he said. “But not probable. He’s an ass, Lily, and if you knew him as well as I do you would see that.”

Thankfully the conversation ended as we stepped into the large lecture hall.

“I’m sitting in the back, care to join me?”

“No, I do better in the front.”

“See you after class?”

“Sure,” I said.

Turner waved to me and went to the back of the lecture hall while I picked a seat dead center in the front row. Students trickled in and sat in the middle and back rows. So far, I was the only one who was sitting in the front row. I bent down in my seat, rifling through my bag for a notebook and a pen. When I sat back up, Nash was sitting right next to me, tapping a pen against the desk.

“I knew that you would be sitting here, in the front row.” Nash said.

Nervous, I turned back and saw Turner frowning at me. I shrugged helplessly. I didn’t ask him to sit next to me. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Why did it matter? Turner acted like he owned me, like we were already a couple.

I was single and I could talk to whoever I wanted.

I liked Turner when I met him. He seemed cool and fun. But the issue with Nash and the looks he gave me every time I was around him were starting to annoy me. He didn’t like Nash, that I understood, but that didn’t mean that I had to stay away from him too.

“Are you trying to piss him off?” I asked as I nodded my head towards Turner. “He thinks that you want nothing to do with me unless it has to do with sex.”

“Turner’s being a baby,” Nash said. “I’m not trying to piss him off. Sorry that he put you in the middle of us. I really wanted to come sit and talk to you.”

“Sorry,” I said, my voice low. “I didn’t know what to say and wasn’t sure that you wanted me to talk to you...”

“Why wouldn’t I want to talk to a sexy girl like you?”

Sexy?

He was hitting on me like the other night.

Why didn’t he just bother all the girls that were glaring at me from behind us while he talked to me?

“Because it was just a walk back to the dorms. What did you want me to do obsess over you like all the other girls do? I'm just not that type of person. Sorry if that's what you wanted.”

“I don’t give girls my number if I don’t want them to call.”

I looked at Nash warily. Before I could answer the professor walked in and slammed his bag on the desk.

“This is Introduction to Psychology. I don’t take any crap from any student so if you think you can sit on your butts and do nothing, leave now. The rest of you, shut the hell up.”

* * *

After an hour and twenty minutes my hand was cramped, my head throbbed, and my eyes were crossing. The notes that started off neat and orderly were now scribbled every which way in my notebook. I didn’t know where they began and where they ended.

“God, I forgot how intense professor Salmon is,” Nash muttered as we exited the lecture hall.

“You had him before?”

“Once and obviously that was a time that I chose to forget.” Nash rubbed his temples. “My head feels like it’s going to explode.”

“Join the club,” I said.

“Mines from boredom.”

I laughed.

We stepped off to the side and I looked for Turner. I would probably walk back with him as long as he didn’t try to kill Nash before we left.

“Hey,” Turner said when he finally arrived. “Nash.”

“Turner.”

The two looked at each other but no words were thrown. The air crackled with tension. Other kids pushed past us, completely unaware of the scene in front of them. They wanted to get as far away from the class room as much as I did.

“Did you love my sister?” Turner asked suddenly.

I shrugged as Nash’s eyes slid towards me and then the two of us stared at Turner.

“Yes man,” Nash said and it seemed like he was being honest. He sounded the same way he did when he and I talked the night of the concert. “I wanted her to be happy.”

“So then why were you trying to fuck her?”

“We both wanted to be together. It was a mutual thing. You had to have known that, Turner. It’s not like I raped her.”

The word stung my ears…

“What I know is what I saw and what I saw was you taking advantage of my baby sister.”

“I told you she meant the world to me.”

“Like hell she did,” Turner snapped.

“Fuck you Turner.” Nash’s words began to have a hard edge. “You don’t know because we didn’t tell you. It was our business, hers and mine. Get over it. You’re becoming annoying.”

“Fuck you. I had every right to interfere. I was trying to keep her safe.”

“She was fine!”

“You were using her.”

“You’re sister cared about me more than you and that’s why you’re pissed.”

Suddenly Turner’s fist swung out and hit Nash squarely in the jaw. Nash fell to the floor, clutching his mouth, and I yelped. Turner was shaking his hand and hopping from foot to foot.

“What the hell did you do?” I cried.

I looked around but thankfully no one else was there to witness it. Seeing this would surly get the two expelled.

“Turner what the hell were you thinking? Are you trying to get expelled or even arrested? You can’t go around and punch people.”

“Take that you pussy,” Turner hissed. “You self-centered asshole.”

He turned on his heel and walked briskly away from Nash and I. I watched Turner go, torn between following and making sure he was okay or staying with Nash.

I chose Nash…

Grabbing his arm, I pulled Nash up to a standing position. Blood trickled down his mouth and to his chin where Nash wiped it with his bare hand.

“I tried to tell him,” Nash said as we watched Turner’s retreating form. “What a fucking baby.”

“He’s just in shock,” I said. “Are you okay?”

I pulled Nash’s hand from his mouth and wiped away the blood with a tissue I had in my bag. He had nothing but a busted lip, not even requiring stitches. A bruise was already blossoming on his jaw.

“Do you want to go to the infirmary to take care of this?”

“No, I’ll take care of it myself. I took a beating from my brothers all the time so no big deal.”

“Let me come with you, maybe I can help.”

Nash smiled and then winced.

“Want to go back to my place?”

I tried not to ask why it was his ‘place’ and not his dorm.

“Sure…”

Nash touched his face tenderly.

“Damn! I forgot how wicked his right hooks were.”

“This isn't the first time this has happened?”

“No, we used to get in fights all the time. That shit happens though. It's just part of growing up and having lots of disagreements. We were guys hanging out with each other all the time so it was bound to happen.”

“I just don't get guys sometimes. I can never imagine fighting with any of my friends. Then again, I didn't have many close ones anyway.”

“You didn't have many friends? Well, that is strange.”

“I guess if you want to call it that.”

Chapter Eight

When we got to his house I hesitated at the door. I was nervous and terrified to be alone with him. It wasn't that he had done anything specific to be afraid of him but I was scared of being alone with any guy because of my past. I knew I had to get over it though and I just needed to be cautious instead of holding myself back all the time.

“Are you okay?” he asked with a concerned look on his face.

The door was wide open and he was standing inside on the rug. He smiled and waved me in.

“Yeah, I'll be okay,” I said, slowly walking inside.

I sat him down and began to tend to his mouth. The bleeding clotted and I gently wiped away the dried blood. His lip was swollen, not unexpected, and on his jaw there was a nice flourishing bruise. He winced as I cleaned him up but not once did he complain or tell me to stop.

Finally, when I was finished, Nash took my hand and led me around the house. We were ending our tour with his bedroom.

“And this is the bedroom. This is where I do all of my best thinking and creating.”

“Nice,” I said as I took a tentative step inside.

The last time I was near a bedroom with Nash, he wanted to join me. The room was painted a deep blue with white checkered curtains and lamps in each corner. There was a queen bed against one wall and a desk on the other side. In the corner was a guitar and a stand. Clothes littered the floor but the closet was closed.

“Yeah, it’s one of my favorite places,” he said, pushing the clothes out of the way and patting the bed. “Sit down for a bit.”

“Nah, I’m okay,” I responded, eyeing the bed. “I don’t need to sit, I’m not tired.”

“Lily, sit down,” Nash said as he patted the bed again. “I’m not going to try and fuck you here.”

I cocked an eyebrow and Nash chuckled.

“Okay, I’ll try not to... I can’t make any promises, though.”

That’s what I was afraid of.

After hesitating a moment, I sat next to Nash on the bed. He grabbed my hand and squeezed.

“Thanks for taking care of me. You didn’t have to come home with me or make sure I was okay.”

“It’s fine,” I said as I waved away his thank you. “What kind of person would I be if I let you go home by yourself? You looked half dazed when I pulled you up off the floor. I’m not sure you would have been able to make it here by yourself, honestly.”

“Well, I appreciate it either way.”

Nash dropped my hand and stared around his room.

“So what kind of greatness happens in here? And don’t say sex,” I said, smiling.

He laughed.

“Well, do you know how many songs I wrote in this room? How many times I paced back and forth, thinking of the best words to use or a new verse? I play my guitar for hours in here, sitting on the bed, until my fingers are raw and my body is stiff.”

“So you’re passionate about your writing. You’re passionate about your music.”

“Yeah, I always have been. Music is my life; it has been since I learned how to play the guitar when I was kid. It was an escape from everything.”

“An escape?”  I asked. “An escape from what?”

“Life… Reality… You know, just everything. Writing and playing music has been my way to dealing with growing up and the people around me. It helps me figure stuff out.”

“Life couldn't have been too hard for you considering you are so popular.”

“I was anything but popular. Everyone looked at me like I was just the guy in a rock band. It was nothing like how it has been in college. I had a couple of friends that were in a band with me and that was it. No one else.”

I was surprised. After going to the party and seeing all the girls that wanted his attention I never suspected that it was any different when he was in high school. It felt good to be around someone that felt alone in high school just like I did. Going to college has been good for him and it is already pointing towards it being good for me too.

“Really? You must be in heaven with all these girls screaming your name now then.”

“I guess you could say that...” he said, pausing. “So you don't have anything like singing to help you escape from life?”

“I was really into chorus but it didn't help me escape from anything. I just did it for an extra-curricular activity. Sure, I loved it, but it didn't help with any of my life problems. All I really did was study and read books. I always wanted to get perfect grades. That's just who I was.”

Nash looked at me, tilting his head.

“Really? There wasn't anything that helped you get away for a bit and not worry about anything? Reading books didn't even do it for you?”

I paused, thinking about it for a bit. I thought back to my childhood, back to my family and school. I couldn’t think of anything.

Nothing that I used to escape…

“No,” I said honestly. “I don’t think there’s anything that I used to escape. But I’m not sure if I had a reason to escape either. My life wasn’t bad…”

Well, for the most part.

Unless you count not having many friends as being bad or the life changing event that caused that to happen.

But I didn’t want to tell him or anybody about that.

“Life doesn’t have to be bad to escape. My life wasn’t bad at all. It was hectic, sure, but it wasn’t bad. You really had nothing you wanted to escape from?” he repeated again.

“Not one thing,” I lied to him.

I shrugged. Nash shifted on his bed before lying down on his back.

“Damn my head hurts and I’m fucking nauseous.”

Immediately I shifted on the bed before I was on my hands and knees, leaning over Nash. I was looking at his head, trying to see any cuts or bruises on any other surface of his skull. I tried to remember: did Nash hit his head when he fall? Was there anything in his way as he toppled over, anything that could have nicked his head? I scrunched my eyes together, trying to reset the picture in my head, but I came up with nothing. I couldn’t remember what happened after Turner punched Nash except for the bloody lip and Turner storming away.

“Did you hit your head?” I asked Nash, running my hand over his scalp. “When you fell did you hit anything? The concrete? Metal? Anything?”

“I don’t think so. But everything is kind of a blur. All I remember is Turner decking me and then being on the ground with blood pouring from my lip.” Nash frowned. “What are you doing?”

“Checking for any bumps of cuts,” I explained.

“Why?”

“Because if there’s a bump, you might have a concussion,” I told him. “If you have a concussion then you need to go to the hospital.”

“I don’t think I have a concussion. I’m just a bit dizzy.”

“Nash, I really think you should go to the hospital. This could be really bad.”

Nash didn’t answer me. A layer of sweat gleamed on his body and, for lack of anything better to do, I rubbed Nash’s back. His breathing was rugged and he looked pained when he rubbed his hand across his mouth.

“Nash.”

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to go to the hospital?”

Nash shook his head.

“No. I don’t want to go anywhere near a hospital. Hospitals scare the shit out of me.”

“But what about your head? What if you have a concussion?”

“I’ll be fine. I’ve gotten punched before and I’m pretty sure it’s not a concussion.”

“So what do you want me to do?”

“How about you kiss me and make it all better?” Nash asked, winking at me.

He opened his eyes and stared at me.

I closed my eyes and felt the heat of his breath get closer to me.

“I don’t think so Nash.”

I opened my eyes and backed away.

“How about I just sit here and keep you company? I read somewhere that if you have a concussion that you have to stay awake to make sure of one thing or another. I don’t want you stay here, awake, by yourself.”

“Can you stay?”

I knew I shouldn’t stay with him. I had class the next day and I had none of my stuff with me. Turner was expecting me for dinner. There were so many things I needed to do but my something was pulling me to stay.

“Sure I’ll stay,” I found myself saying. “If you really don’t want to be alone I’ll be here with you, it’s not a problem.”

Nash smiled.

“Thanks,” he said. “One day I’ll get that kiss...”

Goosebumps crawled on my body.

“I know you want it as bad as I do.”

“Whatever you want to believe Nash. So… Now what do we do?”

“Whatever you want to do.”

“Well, I would love to go to the beach. I have never seen the ocean that has been my lifelong dream to do so.”

“I think it is a little late to go to the beach.”

“I know. I was just making a joke. I'm going to go soon though because I’ve never seen it before.”

“You should... I can't believe you've never seen the ocean.”

“Yeah, me neither… Anyway, how about we watch Disney movies?”

I was that girl in college that still loved to watch Disney movies. A couple of my cousins were the exact same way so I knew I wasn't the only one.

“No way. Please not Disney movies!”

“Oh come on. If you want me to stay in you’re going to have to watch some with me. A lot of them are on Netflix.”

“Fine...”

I looked over at him and we smiled at each other.

* * *

“You can’t honestly be telling me that Monsters Inc. is better than Toy Story,” I argued. “Toy Story has a plot, it has feeling!”

“Like Monster’s Inc doesn’t? Come on! Boo is adorable!”

“Yeah but the friendship between Woody and Andy is unforgettable!”

Nash threw a pillow at me and I caught it easily. I chucked it back at him and, unfortunately he didn’t have as quick of reflexes. The pillow bounced off his face before dropping onto his lap.

“Nice,” Nash said.

It was nearly four o’clock in the morning and we were filling our time with Disney movies thanks to me, bad TV shows, and stale popcorn. My eyes were heavy and I yawned, stretching up as I did. I wanted to sleep and that’s all I wanted. I wanted to throw an old t-shirt on, crawl into bed, and close my eyes. I was so tired that my vision was doubling.

“Hey are you okay?”

“Fine,” I said as I swayed. “A little sleepy, maybe, but fine. I’m not used to pulling an all-nighter.”

“Haven’t you ever had a sleepover? You and your girlfriends, in your pajamas, gossiping until the sun rose? Isn’t that what girls do?”

“Not since I was twelve,” I admitted. “In high school I wasn’t very social. I liked being home by myself more than I liked being with other people.”

“Funny, I was the complete opposite. I never wanted to be home and when I was home I was jumping out of my skin.”

“Why?”

“Boredom.”

“Oh,” I said. “Kind of like now?”

Throughout the night Nash and I had went through movies, junk food, and bad TV shows. We talked and joked, teasing each other about our tastes in about everything. Now there was nothing left to do and I felt like the night was dragging.

“I guess… You probably had a million things to do tonight.”

“Not anything that couldn’t get moved around,” I told him.

“Well, in any case, I owe you. You kind of went above and beyond helping me, considering you didn’t even like me before.”

I shifted back.

“That’s not true,” I told him, but I hesitated. “Okay it was a little true. But you came off as such an asshole! You were leering at me in my skirt.”

“Well your legs were sexy,” Nash argued. “What was I supposed to do? Pretend that I didn’t notice?”

“You used a lame ass line on me too!”

“Yeah, I did. They usually work on most girls.”

“I’m not most girls. You’re not going to be able to just say some lame line and I’m going to sleep with you. Why do you want to be with me anyway?”

“Because you’re sexy and for some damn reason you won’t put up with my shit. Most girls would jump at the chance to kiss me.”

“Whatever Nash...”

Girls did jump at him though and I didn’t want to have to compete.

* * *

I didn’t remember falling asleep but when I opened my eyes, Nash was lying next to me, his head propped up on his hand, and grinning. It was the slight brush of his fingers against my cheek that brought me back to the land of the living.

“Hey there beautiful,” Nash murmured as my eyes fluttered open.

I was disoriented and groggy.

What time was it?

Where was I?

What happened?

It took me few minutes before my brain caught up with my body. I was at Nash’s house, keeping him company. I had no idea what time it was but the sun filtering through the window hinted at daylight.

My heart started to beat fast as I realized I was lying next to Nash. His arm was wrapped around me. I moved away and laid on my back far enough that I didn't feel like I was close enough to cuddle with him.

“How are you feeling?” I asked immediately, my heart’s pace slowing down. “How’s your head? Your jaw?”

“Both are fine,” Nash said.

I looked at him, confused, before my mouth split into a grin.

“You’re so lame,” I said as I pulled myself up to the sitting position. “What time is it?”

“Nearly noon,” Nash said and immediately my heart went into my throat.

“Oh my God, I missed my class!” I screeched, jumping off the bed.

I rummaged around the cluttered floor for my bag and shoes. My head was spinning. How could I forget class? It was the first class of the semester and I missed it!

“Calm down.”

“Calm down?! How can I calm down?” I demanded. “I missed class, Nash, and it was the first one! I can’t even imagine what the professor thinks of me! He’s going to hate me if he doesn’t already!”

I grabbed my stuff and shoved my feet into the shoes. As I moved I calculated how quickly I could get to the professor’s office. Maybe I would be able to talk to him, explain what happened. I could tell him about Nash and the concussion. Hopefully that would sway his opinion.

“Lily, calm down,” Nash said again.

He tugged at my arm, pulling me onto his lap. I struggled as Nash wrapped his arms around me. Bad memories came flashing back to me…

“Get off of me!” I seethed. “I have to go talk to my professor. I have to make this right. I screwed up, Nash, I screwed up badly.”

“No you didn’t,” Nash said. “It’s okay if you miss a class. The first two weeks of school are when people drop classes and add classes. The classes don’t really start until that period is over. I doubt you missed much, if anything, today. I promise.”

“Are you sure?” I asked, doubt filling my head.

“I’ve been at this school longer than I care to remember. Don’t worry so much.”

I let myself relax and I tugged his arms apart, slipping out from between them.

“You need to relax a bit or you’re going to give yourself a heart attack.”

“No I’m not. I’m resilient. I’ve been this neurotic since I was younger. What’s going to give me problems is you holding me like that. Don’t ever do that again…”

I took a deep breath.

“Sorry, won’t happen again. I’m surprised that you haven’t had a heart attack though. Why are you so hard on yourself?”

I shrugged, unable to explain it to him. How could I explain my ‘good girl’ status and need to be perfect? It was a self-imposed purpose, an obsession really, and my parents’ approval fueled it. When everyone expects you to be perfect, and you succeed, it becomes like a drug. You want to succeed over and over again, no matter what the cost.

“Because I’m good and I’m good at being good. That’s who I am,” I told him. “I want to be the best, act the best, and reach the highest.”

“But at what cost?”

“At whatever cost it takes,” I answered immediately.

Nash furrowed his eyebrows together.

“It’s not as bad it sounds, I swear.”

“Good because it sounds like you’re a bit psychotic.”

“Thanks,” I said warily. “That’s so nice.”

“I never said I would be nice. I’m not nice… I’m honest.”

“Well maybe some people don’t want the honesty.”

“Those are the people who usually need it the most.”

I rolled my eyes at him.

My brain was beginning to work on overdrive trying to figure out what was going on with Nash and I. Everything was moving fast, faster than I thought it ever would. He didn’t ask me out but tried kissing me and called me…

Sexy…

These were cautionary signals.

We were hanging out and joking as friends too though. Just because there was no explanation for what was going on, didn’t mean I wanted it to end. I didn’t. But I also didn’t like the uncertainty. Turner could be right about him too.

I sighed and rubbed my temple with my hands.

“I really should get going,” I said.

“Do you have to? I thought that we could go out, have some lunch.”

“I can’t,” I said, even though it was a lie. “I have to go meet up with some people.”

“People like Turner?”

That wasn’t on my list of to-do’s but now Turner crept into my mind.  I had already missed most of my class and Nash had persuaded me that it wasn’t a big deal.

“Maybe… He seemed so angry yesterday,” I said for an explanation. “He was practically foaming at the mouth and, well, you know the rest. I do want to see if he’s okay... I want to try to talk to him…. But…”

“Why?” he asked, cutting me off. “You just go back to the guy who has no control over himself?”

I paused. That was a good question and I didn’t have a set answer for him.

“Because he’s my friend,” I said finally. “Just like you.”

Nash shrugged but there was a frown on his face.

“Do what you want,” he said and disappointment seeped into my heart.

I was hoping that Nash would put up fight, even a little one, trying to get me to stay. But he didn’t. If anything, he was trying to get me to leave quicker.

What the hell did I do? Was he jealous? Actually jealous that another guy might have a chance with me? What did I get myself into?

“I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah, see you around,” I agreed.

I glanced at Nash over my shoulder one last time before exiting his room. I let myself out into the warm day and headed back to school, leaving my heart behind.

Chapter Nine

And so it began. Every day, I got up, packed my stuff, and trudged off to class. If I woke up early enough I would grab breakfast but if not I grabbed a coffee to keep me from passing out. I hadn’t seen Nash outside of class since I thought he had a concussion, and I saw Turner even less. Sometimes, if he was in a good mood, Turner would meet me at the dorm and we would walk to class together. Then, the moment he saw Nash, he would frown and stomp away like a school boy whose toy was taken away from him. This went on, day after day, for weeks. I barely had time to breathe let alone relax and it was starting to show.

“Can you turn that down please?” I asked Sabrina.

She had the television on full blast and she was watching Maury, or as I liked to call it, white trash crap. Going on a show to determine the paternity of your child was bad enough, but when you went on the same show multiple times, that was ridiculous. I was embarrassed for these girls.

“What’s wrong with you?” Sabrina asked, glaring at me.

She turned the television off and tossed the remote on the bed.

“Why are you so cranky?”

“I’m not cranky,” I told her. “I’m stressed out. I have all this stuff due and everyone is expecting everything from me. On top of all of that, I’m friends with two sworn enemies. Don’t you think that’s enough to put me the least bit on edge?”

Sabrina nodded in agreement.

My mind was racing.

“Lily, are you sure you’re okay?” Sabrina asked. “You look pale and like you’re about to faint or something.”

“I’m fine,” I lied. “Things are fine. What makes you ask?”

“Because you’re acting even stranger than usual. Did something happen? Are you hiding something?”

I wanted advice, no, I needed advice. I was completely out of my field.

“Does this have anything to do with Nash or Turner? Or maybe both?”

I bit my lower lip, thinking. Should I really take advice from Sabrina? She and I had gotten close since the day I moved in but I still wasn’t sure if she was someone that had the answers I needed.

“Yes, it has to do with Nash and Turner. More Nash though.”

“Do you like him?” Sabrina asked.

“Who?”

“Nash, of course.”

I paused for a minute, thinking about it. Nash made my heart flutter and my stomach tighten. Whenever I was near him I couldn’t think straight and when I wasn’t near him I was thinking about him,

“I don’t know. It doesn’t matter,” I whispered.

“Why doesn’t it matter.”

“Because Nash will never like me back. He didn’t tell me that but I know that he doesn’t want to be tied down. He doesn’t want any commitments. And anyway, he’s still head over heels in love with Turner’s sister.”

“Wow,” Sabrina said.

“I guess.”

She didn’t say anymore and didn’t have to. Letting myself relax for the first time in a few days, I lay on my bed and closed my eyes.

* * *

After one of my afternoon classes I sat on the bench outside the building. I was looking over notes for my upcoming test and a bunch of students came rushing out of the building. Obviously, another class just got over.

Nash and another girl walked out together and she had her arm wrapped around him. They stopped in front of the steps of the building and she kissed him once on the lips before he began kissing her back. They were fully making out in front of everyone. I couldn't believe it.

He was so angry that I had to leave his house and that I was going to talk to Turner. Now, he already had found another girl.

He wanted to kiss me yet he was already kissing another girl?

I knew it was a good thing that I didn't give in to him. That would have been a huge mistake.

When they finally stopped kissing she started walking away from him. He turned towards me and began walking my way. I looked back down at my notes hoping that he didn't see me staring at them or even sitting on the bench.

“Hey,” Nash said as he sat next to me on a bench.

Shit.

My body tensed and I moved away from him, trying to put distance between us. I looked up at Nash to see that he was frowning.

“What’s wrong?” he asked me. “You’re not acting like yourself.”

“Because you know me so well,” I muttered. “Oh that’s right, you don’t.”

“What does that mean?” Nash asked. “Why are you so sour today?”

“Am I supposed to be sunshine and roses all the time? Is that how you like me?”

“Jesus! What the fuck is your problem?”

“You! You're already kissing another girl after we hung out at your place just the other day. You tried to kiss me Nash…”

“And you didn't let me! So why is it such a big fucking deal that I'm kissing another girl?”

“Because!”

“Whatever. You don't want me to kiss you but you don't want me to kiss other girls. You're fucking confusing!”

I have to admit, I kind of was. But I cannot help all the things that go on in my mind. Just because I didn't want to kiss him though didn't mean that I was not interested in him. Obviously, that means something different to Nash. I should have known since so many girls loved his band, loved him.

Nash shot up off the bench, nearly kicking me in the process. He bunched the napkin up in a ball and threw it behind us.

“Fuck! What is with you? I didn’t think that you were going to get all clingy like this! Damn, you sound like a fucking shrew-ass wife!”

“Well you know something, Nash? You can go fuck yourself!”

“Maybe I will,” he countered. “At least I wouldn’t have anyone clingy up my ass.”

Nash strode away and didn’t look back, anger emitting from his body. Only when he was around the corner did I let the tears trickle out of my eyes and down my cheeks. The tears were burning nearly the whole time.

How could I be so stupid? How could I have not seen Nash for what he was? Turner warned me… He warned me! I should have listened to Turner. I should have kept Nash away; far, far away. If I had just trusted my instinct to begin with then this wouldn’t have happened. I knew Nash was trouble from the moment he leered at me the night of the concert. Oh why didn’t I listen to myself?!

“Lily?” I looked up and immediately swatted at my cheeks, wiping the tears off with such fierceness that I winced.

“Hey Turner,” I said and smiled… Or tried to smile at least.

My smile was watery and even without looking in the mirror I knew that my eyes were red and puffy.

“What’s up?”

“I could ask you the same thing,” Turner said. “You okay?”

“I’m fine,” I lied.

The last thing he needed to know is that I was upset about Nash. I didn’t want to feel that way. It's hard to get rid of feelings. Sometimes when you try it only makes it harder.

“You don’t look fine. Your face is red and splotchy and your eyes are puffy.”

“Oh that?” I said, feigning nonchalance. “I have horrible fall allergies. They kick my ass every year.”

I looked at his hand. His knuckles were still bruised and scabbed.

“How’s the hand?”

“Better than that bastard’s face. Did you see him? He still has the shiner.”

Turner had a smile on his face. Up until now I would have probably scolded him, telling him that he was being an ass. But not now. Maybe Turner was right; maybe Nash had gotten what he deserved.

“It still hurts, though. I can’t really bend it too much without it hurting.”

“Did you break anything?” I asked as I inspected his hand.

“I don’t think so. I went to the infirmary and she looked at it. She said that it didn’t seem broken especially since I could, essentially bend it. She thinks it’s just a horrible bruise. If it doesn’t stop hurting she said that I should go to the hospital.”

“Well, have you gone to the hospital?” Turner shook his head.

“No, not yet. It hurts but the pain is going away. I’m sure that by this time next week it won’t hurt at all.”

“If you say so,” I said, not really believing him. “Be careful though. You can’t just go around fighting with people because sooner or later someone will fight back.”

“I know, I know. I usually keep my head up and out of trouble but I couldn’t stop myself when he said that shit. It’s not going to happen again though.”

“It better not,” I teased. “Because if it does, I’m going to kick your ass myself.”

Turner scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“Like you could kick my ass. You’re a puny little thing!”

“Yeah but I can pinch like the devil,” I warned and brought my hands up into a pinching motion. “Do you really want to risk it?”

“Yeah,” Turner said and stuck out his arm. “I doubt you can hurt me. I have muscle upon muscle.”

“You asked for it,” I said and clamped his flesh between my fingers.

I pinched as hard as I could, rotating my hand as I did. Turner’s face became red and he pulled his arm away.

“Damn!” he cried out. “What the hell was that?!”

“A pinch,” I said.

“That was no damn pinch. You’re vicious.”

“I tried to warn you. You didn’t want to believe me.”

Turner rubbed his arm with his free hand and shifted away from me.

“You are dangerous,” he muttered. “I don’t know if I want to be around you anymore.”

“Oh stop being a pansy,” I chided.

I raised my eyebrows and then smiled at him. The two of us burst into laughter and I clutched at my stomach. After the argument I had with Nash, laughing for no good reason was exactly what I needed.

My laugh petered out and I stared at Turner. He was looking around, taking in the amazing weather. His hair seemed darker against the sun and the sun hit his eyes, letting the color shine through. He was cute, handsome even. His smile lit up everything around me. I knew that I could sit with him for hours on end and do nothing but laugh and talk.

So why hadn’t I given him another chance? Why had I been avoiding him? Why had I been so worried about Nash and not Turner? Turner is so easy going. There’s no strings; no expectations. Why didn’t I see that before?

“What are you staring at?” Turner asked.

“Nothing,” I said and became flustered.

“That doesn’t look like a nothing look,” Turner accused. “You were staring at me like… Well I don’t know like what. But you were staring! I saw you were staring!”

Turner’s eyes got wide and he put his hand to his mouth.

“Oh my God, are you going to start stalking me? Am I going to have to get a restraining order? Oh God I don’t feel safe!”

Suddenly Turner whipped around.

“Help! Help! This girl is giving me the eye! I need an adult! I need an adult!”

“Shut up!” I exclaimed through my giggles.

People looked over and shook their heads at us.

“You are such a loser!”

“Yeah but you love it, don’t lie.”

He grinned.

“Let’s go out on a date,” I heard him say.

“Um…”

“A date,” he repeated. “Let’s go out on a re-do first date. I want another chance. I want a Mulligan.”

“I guess,” I said.

With Nash out of the picture it was worth a shot.

“Only if you want to Lily...”

“Of course I do. How about tomorrow night? Around six?”

The butterflies in my stomach started to swirl around at full force.

“Yeah, that sounds great. And I promise, there won’t be any drinking involved.”

I grinned.

Chapter Ten

“Are you sure that this is a good idea?” Sabrina asked me as I told her about my impending date with Turner. “Don’t you want to be with Nash?”

After seeing that girl kiss Nash it didn’t matter if I wanted to be with him.

“I thought I did. But he has a bunch of other girls occupying his time so there's no reason to waste my own.”

“So that's why you're going with Turner?”

“I guess. I kind of like him also. He's nice and he doesn't have a bunch of girls wanting him. There is no one to compete with.”

“Yeah.”

I looked through my closet, surveying each outfit before moving on. I had to pick an outfit that was cute. I wanted to look like myself and not overdo it.

“Does Turner even know about you and Nash?”

I shook my head.

“Of course he doesn’t. But all Nash and I did was walk to my dorm together and then hang out at his place after Turner punched him,” I told her. “I doubt Nash would tell him. They don’t talk, remember?”

Sabrina rolled her eyes as looked at her notes for class.

“I just think that if you were going to go out with him you should have told him about you and Nash.”

I turned to her.

“Why? It’s not like we had sex.”

“Because if he finds out from someone else he will never forgive you. You will have a black mark next to your name forever.”

I paused, considering Sabrina’s point. Should I have told Turner? He knew we sat next to each other in class. But I did stay the night at his place and he did try to kiss me. He would instantly assume the worse since it’s Nash.

“Wel,l it’s too late to be worrying about that now,” I said as I pulled out a pair of jeans and a sweater. “I’m not going to tell him tonight on our date.”

“In my experience,” Sabrina said. “Things like this don’t stay hidden for long.”

I shrugged even though I was frowning.

“Maybe I’ll tell him later next week when I have time to think about what I’ll say.”

Sabrina shrugged but I could tell that she didn’t approve of the way I was handling things. I was hoping that I would never have to tell him in general. I didn’t want to see his pain, his anger, or any other emotion he would show. I didn’t want to disappoint him and I definitely didn’t want to lose his friendship.

Turner would find out one day. I just hoped that it would be long enough away that he wouldn’t stay too angry at me.

After slipping on the clothes, I dabbed some eyeliner and lip gloss onto my face and brushed my hair until it shone. Throwing converses on my feet I smoothed my sweater down and then grabbed my watch. I was throwing the last few things in my bag when there was a knock on the door.

My heart hammered and I felt a bit woozy. Pasting on a smile, I maneuvered my way across the room and opened the door. Turner stood there, a smile on his face, and a single red rose in his hand.

“I was going to buy you a dozen,” he told me as he handed me the rose. “But that didn’t seem special. I thought one single rose made a better statement. Do you like it?”

“Yes… Thank you.”

Putting the rose in a bottle of water, I waved goodbye to Sabrina and left my room. Turner and I walked down the stairs in silence. He rocked back and forth on his feet, whistling.

“Are you nervous or something?”

“Is it that obvious?” Turner asked. “I want to make this date good, great even. I’m trying to make up for the last time.”

“You don’t have to make up for anything. We both had a hand in ruining that date. So why not pretend it never happened?”

“Yeah… You look cute, Lily.”

“Thanks Turner.”

“Is something wrong?” Turner asked, looking worried.

“No,” I said quickly, too quickly. “Nothing’s wrong. Everything’s perfect.”

“Good,” Turner said, satisfied with my answer.

Turner led me to his car and opened the door for me. I glanced in the back seat to see a picnic basket and a blanket resting there. Turner grinned.

“I thought that a picnic would be perfect tonight. It’s not too hot, not too cold. I know this spot that is a little secluded.”

I cocked an eyebrow and looked at him.

“Not that I think we need to be secluded. That’s not what this is about. I’m not trying to get into your pants or anything.”

This was going to the wrong place.

“That’s good to know,” I laughed.

He laughed too.

He started the car, revving the engine, and put down the window. Pulling away from the curb, the two of us drove in silence. I looked out the window and watched the scenery whiz by. The colors of the trees blended together until it was one big blob.

“So, ah, I hope you don’t mind too much but I packed some Italian food. I’m always a sucker for Italian.”

“Sound great. I love Italian food actually. It’s one of my favorites.”

Turner sighed in relief.

“That’s great. We’re almost there.”

Turner drove for a bit more, changing lanes. Finally he pulled into the parking lot and threw the car into park.

“We’re here.”

I exited the car. Turner grabbed the basket in the back seat and then followed me.

He grabbed my hand and to my surprise kissed me. We didn’t stop holding hands as we climbed the hill. When we finally reached the top, Turner smoothed down a blanket and I looked out into the horizon, watching the sun set. It was gorgeous.

“This view is amazing!” I breathed.

“Isn’t it?”

He appeared behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist.

“I was hoping that we would get here on time to see this.”

In the distance I could hear kids screaming and playing. There was music playing somewhere but I couldn’t pull my eyes away from the sun to even look around.

“Turner it’s gorgeous.”

“No, you’re gorgeous. The sun doesn’t hold a candle to you.”

My heart swelled.

* * *

“So when I was in high school I was the epidemy of a good girl. I wore pleated skirts and knee high socks with loafers.”

“That sounds sexy,” Turner said and I laughed.

“Trust me, I was anything but sexy,” I told him. “I wore ire rimmed glasses and my hair was always tied in braids down my back. I didn’t wear any make up and I always had my nose in a book.”

“Why is that so bad?”

“Because I was lame. People made fun of me, talked about me behind my back. I was the odd one out.”

“Or you were unique,” he countered. “I think that if I saw you in high school I would have gone out of my way to get to know you.”

“Well then you would have been the only one.”

“That’s because I have a thing for nerdy girls who read too much.”

“How about good girls that go to church every week and doesn’t do anything fun?”

“Even better,” he said with a wicket grin.

I rolled my eyes and pushed Turner. He lost his balance and toppled to the ground. He winced as his elbow met with a tree root.

“Goddammit!” Turner cursed as he rubbed his elbow. “Damn that hurt!”

“Oh God, are you okay?”

I lost my smile and watched Turner rock back and forth, cradling his arm.

“I’m sorry, Turner. I didn’t mean for you to hit your elbow.”

Turner rubbed his elbow roughly and then looked up at me.

“Oh well, it’s not any worse than getting hit in the head with a basketball. I’ll survive.”

“Good...”

I was scared for a moment.

After finishing our meal, Turner started packing up the basket. I folded the blanket in half, then in quarters, until the blanket fit snugly inside the basket.

“So what would you like to do now? Do you want to walk? Go back to the dorm and watch movies? Go get ice cream?”

“I don’t think I could eat another bite,” I told Turner as I held my stomach.

“Okay, how about your dorm?”

“That is fine.”

* * *

We stepped in the elevator in the dormitory and Turner was about to push the button for my floor but I put my hand over his.

“Let’s skip my floor. Sabrina is probably going to be there with Elizabeth and I don’t want the third degree. Let’s go hang out at your dorm. Is that okay?”

“Sure,” Turner said and something flickered in his eyes.

He didn’t say anything more, though. He enfolded my hand in his and we rode the elevator together, connected. When we got out on the eighth floor, Turner let me pass first and then led me to the end of the hall. I could hear parties going on in all different dorm rooms as well as the sound of video games.

“How do you get any studying done?” I asked as I winced at the sounds I heard. “I’m so glad that my floor is nothing like this. I would never get anything done.”

“You learn to tune it out after a while.”

He unlocked the door at the end of the hall and pushed it open.

“This is me. Come on in.”

I stepped gingerly over the threshold and tried not to curl my lip in disgust. The dorm room was a mess. There were clothes everywhere and dishes were stacked on the floor.

“I know it’s a little messy,” Turner said and had the common decency to be embarrassed. “I didn’t think that we were going to come back here and… Well I’ll admit it, I’m lazy. I keep finding other things to do, other things that I want to do, than clean here. Now I’m kind of regretting everything.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I said, trying to sound relaxed. “It’s really not that big of a deal. I’ve known people who are way messier than you.”

“Really?”

I hesitated and then shook my head.

“Yup.”

His arms lashed out and wrapped around my waist. Before I knew what was happening, Turner’s hand was cradling my neck and his lips were on mine. Shock turned into desire and my eyes fluttered closed.

Turner’s kiss wasn’t soft or hesitant. He kissed me with heat and passion that I only read about in books.  His lips were soft and yet firm against mine. His fingers ran up and down my spine, tracing the bones. My arms found their way around his neck and I pulled him closer, grinding my body up against him.

My heart vibrated in my chest and my mouth couldn’t get enough of him. I dug my finger nails into his back and moaned as he moved from my lips to my neck. His hands went from my back to the front, cupping my breasts.

“Stop,” I said and pulled back, shaking my head.

I felt foggy and disoriented. Immediately Turner dropped his hands and stepped back.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured as I fixed my sweater.

“No, I’m the sorry one. I shouldn’t have done that. I didn’t bring you back here to have sex with you.”

Turner took my hands and kissed my palms.

“You deserve better Lily. You’re worth more than that.”

“If we are ever going to be together I want it to be special, something that you can remember. I don’t want you thinking back and remembering our first time being in this disgusting dorm.”

Turner pulled me close and kissed my forehead.

“I want to be with you, Lily, but I want to make it perfect. If we ever get that chance I promise I will give you the stars and the moon.”

I looked up at him from underneath my lashes as my hands found the buckle of his belt.

Chapter Eleven

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to,” I said, my voice cracking and his breath hitching.

Maybe this was a bad idea. I turn down Nash but I’m okay with having sex with Turner?

“A-Are you sure you want to do this?”

The truth was that I wasn’t sure I wanted to do this, or anything. I didn’t even know howto do any of it. He was kind to me. Was that why my brain was saying yes? Or was it to get back at Nash?

I was nervous, so nervous.

“Yes, I want to do this.”

I dropped my hands from his belt buckle and ran my fingers up and down his arm.

“Let’s take this to the bed, what do you think?”

“Sure…”He grabbed my hand, linking our fingers together, and pulled me to the bed.

“You are so, so beautiful,” Turner said.

He dipped his head forward, capturing my lips with his once again. His hands kept busy removing my sweater. Once it was off, Turner’s nimble fingers unbuttoned the shirt underneath and pushed it off my shoulders. His fingers then moved to my light pink bra.

“Slow down,” I said, taking a deep breath.

I nudged Turner away.

“This is about you.”

Hell I didn’t know what I was doing. I just wanted to show Turner that I liked him. There were probably other ways to show it but I thought that what I was about to do would be the best way to show him.

“But I want to make you happy too,” Turner said.

“I know, but I really want to do this…”

That was half a lie.

My hands went back to Turner’s belt as I expertly pulled it from the loops. Turner put his hands on my arms as he watched me unsnap and unzip his pants. Nudging them down his narrow waist, I raised my eyebrow and looked at Turner.

I looked at his large, pole-like boner beneath his boxer briefs. It was pulsating through.

I shivered with anxiety and took a deep breath,

I licked my lips as my fingers slipped under the waistband of the boxer briefs. Turner sucked in a breath as his hands found my hair.

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

It wasn’t the biggest turn on to have a guy constantly ask if I really wanted to do something sexual. The first time, yes it’s important to make sure it’s consensual but after that it’s a little annoying.

I didn’t respond.

With a swift motion, I pulled Turner’s boxer briefs down and let his dick spring out.

“Oh God,” Turner muttered. “I don’t know if I can take much more of this.”

I slowly moved my right hand up and down his shaft.

I kneeled down in front of Turner, my face right in front of him.

I cupped his balls in my hands while I kissed the tip of his dick. I tried not to be nervous as I kneeled in front of him. The only experience I had with blow jobs was what I read about in novels and the things I accidentally saw on television. My parents never discussed sex with me and the girlfriends I had in high school didn’t talk a lot about it.

My free hand went to the shaft of his penis, slowly rubbing it again while my other hand held his balls, gently squeezing them. Turner moaned above me and I could already feel his legs quiver. I turned my head to the side and placed kisses all down the shaft and back up until I was at the head again.

Sticking my tongue out, I licked up and down and then took Turner into my mouth. His hands, which were still on my hair, clenched and Turner pushed me closer to him. Sucking softly, I pulled back until my lips were only over the taut tip of Turner’s dick. I swirled my tongue in circles and figure-eight’s over his hole.

“”Oh God,” Turner moaned. “Oh fuck! Don’t stop, Lily. Don’t fucking stop. This feels so fucking… Fuck! Oh!”

Turner started to jerk his own body back and forth, pushing his dick in and out of my mouth as he held my head straight. He pushed hard, nearly blocking my airwave, but pulled back nearly as quickly. In and out, in and out. My jaw was becoming sore but I didn’t stop or pull away.

“Kiss me,” Turner said and he suddenly pulled me up enough to get me onto the bed.

Turner sat next to me and took my mouth to his, all the while pumping his dick with his own hand. His fist was jerking away, hard and fast. Turner pulled at my bra, pulling the straps down and pushing the cups away from my breasts. With his free hand, Turner grabbed my tit, squeezing it and running his fingers over the nipple, making it hard. Now I was the one gasping for breath. A familiar pulling feeling started at the base of my stomach.

“Oh God, Lily,” I heard Turner moan. “God, I’m almost there. I can’t wait any longer.”

Turner didn’t give me a choice when he pushed me on the bed and straddled my hips. He didn’t stop pumping his hand over his dick.

“Here it comes,” Turner said.

One last pump and his dick squirted cum all over my chest.

“Oh God, oh! Oh!”

Turner tremored and moved just quick enough so that he didn’t fall on top of me. Turner reached across the bed and grabbed a towel.

“I’m sorry. Here, let me clean it up for you.”

Turner began to wipe at my body, cleaning up my chest.

“Are you okay?” he asked when he was finally finished wiping everything up. “I didn’t hurt you or anything, right?”

No.

But if it was over, what a horrible experience.

“No, I’m fine,” I said.

Was I fine? What started as a hand and blow job ended…

Weird…

He ripped my bra off, held me down, and then came on me. All horrible reminders of my past that I wanted to forget.

“Good,” Turner said, kissing me.

I moved my head to the side to stop the kiss. I sighed, frustrated. I shifted on the bed, pushing myself away from Turner. I quickly grabbed my clothes that were scattered across the room.

“Is something wrong?”

“No, why?” I lied.

“I don’t know, you keep moving around and you’re frowning.”

Turner hoisted himself up on his arm and stared at me.

“Did I force you into this? Did you think that you had to do this to make up for something? Are you upset with me?”

“I don’t think any of that,” I told him. “I’m not upset and I definitely don’t think you forced me into something…”

That wasn’t the problem at all.

“So then what’s going on in that head of yours?”

I shifted again, uncomfortable with the path that the conversation was heading. My past was the problem. Now he reminded me of it, but I didn’t want to explain it to him or anybody else.

“Nothing, really, I’m okay.”

“You’re lying,” Turner accused. “You can’t even look at me.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not upset.”

I wasn’t sure if I was trying to convince him or convince myself. My mind was a mess of my past and present.

“Lily, talk to me. I don’t want you to leave upset again.”

Turner wasn’t going to give up until I said something, but what was I supposed to say? I looked at Turner, torn between telling him the truth and keeping it to myself. Turner stared at me and then his mouth split into a grin

“I know what’s wrong… You’re horny.”

“Seriously Turner? You’re way off!”

“What then?”

“Just don’t worry about it.”

I put my clothes on in silence.

However, Turner couldn’t keep quiet any longer.

“Well, do you want to hang out for a while then?”

“I don’t know. I have some stuff to do,” I said.

“What about we go out for some ice cream tomorrow night?”

“Um…”

“Come on,” he begged.

I might as well agreed to stop the begging.

”Fine,” I said, throwing on my shoes. “Meet me at 7 at my dorm.”

“Awesome.”

Then I left his apartment.

* * *

The next day, I finished my homework around 5 PM, took a quick shower, and got dressed. Around 7 I grabbed my purse and left my dorm room.

“Hey!” Turner yelled down the hall as I closed the door.

I walked towards him and waved. I could only hope he wouldn’t bring up what happened the night before.

Turner had thrown on a pair of faded jeans, a white shirt, and a jacket. He looked pretty cute when he washed up. The two of us went downstairs to the front sidewalk that led to the ice cream shop.

“I don’t feel like driving. Do you want to just walk there? It’s not like it’s that cold out.”

“That sounds like a great idea,” Turner agreed.

He grabbed a hold of my hand and linked his fingers through mine. I wanted to push his hand away. After being held down by him I just wasn’t that into him.

As a boyfriend anyway.

Friends sure.

Together we walked to the ice cream shop. The night air was crisp and nippy. The sun had set, taking whatever warmth with it. Unable to wrap my arms around myself, I shivered a little.

“Are you cold?”

“Yeah,” I said nodding.

Immediately Turner shrugged off his jacket and wrapped it around my shoulders.

“Better?”

“You don’t have to do that. I’ll be fine,” I told him.

“I’ll be fine too.,” Turner assured me. “I’m not the one shivering anyway.”

I didn’t know what I wanted. I already regretted what had happened the night before. My mind just took over after seeing Nash and another girl all over each other. Turner was so nice to me and I was hurting. It was a mistake. How was I going to let him down easy without losing him as a friend.

We continued to walk.

“I didn’t think I could recover from that horrible first date. I thought that was it; I thought I was toast. I’m glad I’m not Lily...”

He smiled at me.

“Yeah, It takes more than one horrible date to send me running,” I responded, giving him a fake grin.

“Really? Even though you hadn’t dated much? I thought that I completely ruined it for you.”

“”Nah.”

The way he was acting made it obvious he thought we were together.

I didn’t want to hurt him.

I still wanted to be friends.

“Well, well, well, look at the happy couple.”

My head whipped around to the voice. Nash was standing there, partially hidden in the shadow, smoking a cigarette.

I wrinkled my nose. He just had to show up.

“Nash,” Turner said and I felt him tense next to me.

I threw a little prayer up that the two of them wouldn’t get into an all-out brawl.

“What do you want?” I asked Nash.

“Nothing,” Nash sneered and stumbled closer.

I could smell the alcohol on Nash’s breath.

“And I’m doing much better, thank you. You’re pussy punch didn’t keep me down for long.”

“Whatever, now if you’ll excuse us,” Turner responded.

“Wait a minute!” Nash cried. “Tell me about this happy couple. When did you guys get together? Last time I checked Turner, you let this lovely woman stumble back to her dorm, drunk, while you partied.”

“Nash-” I said under my breath.

“How do you know that?” Turner asked.

His eyes narrowed as he stared at Nash.

“Because I was the one who had to bring her back. She was in no shape to walk all on her own.”

Turner turned to me.

“Is it true?”

“I didn’t ask him to walk me home,” I tried to explain. “I was walking home and he saw me. He just wanted to make sure I got there safe.”

It was beginning to take a lot of effort trying to keep them both happy.

“And that’s all?”

“Well-” Nash started.

If this led to me spending the night at Nash’s then I knew there would be another fight. This time, Nash wouldn’t hold back.

“That’s all,” I said, cutting Nash off.

I shot daggers at Nash but he pretended not to notice. What the hell was he trying to do? What the hell was his problem? Would Nash really tell Turner about our night together? Yeah, he would. Anything to get a rise out of him.

“Come on Turner, let’s go get that ice cream.”

“I’ll see you two love birds later,” Nash said.

He dropped the cigarette onto the dirt and rubbed it out with the toe of his sneaker.

“You know where to find me sexy.”

Now he was trying to get a rise out of me.

Nash turned and sauntered away. Turner didn’t budge until we couldn’t see Nash anymore.

“That son of a bitch! What the fuck is he getting at?! What was he trying to prove?! Bastard!”

“He was just trying to get under your skin. Ignore him. He’s not worth it.”

In that moment, I truly believed my words. I wasn’t sure if it was because Nash was angry at me still for leaving his place the other morning, or because of his immense hatred for Turner, but he was acting like an asshole. He knew those words would hurt Turner, humiliate him even, and yet Nash didn’t care. Turner’s shoulder’s sagged and he hung his head.

“I guess this is yet another date that was ruined.”

“Just focus on other stuff. How about we go in and get some ice cream?”

I didn’t want to tell him the truth that this wasn’t a date for me to begin with. I’d rather make everyone happy. It was obvious Nash was angry at me already even when everything was his fault.

This was a real disaster.

“Of course,” Turner said.

He spun me around until I was facing him and then with his finger Turner lifted my head. His lips felt tender as they begin to massage against mine.

“Stop Turner,” I told him, pushing him back.

“Sorry, I’ve just wanted to do that since we left the dorms.”

“Okay, but not out in public.”

“Sorry…”

Chapter Twelve

“So, uh, what do you like to do in your spare time?” Turner said for the eighth time.

I smiled at him as he flushed but my smile was forced.

“I’m sorry. I know I keep asking the same question but my mind went blank. I’m just so nervous.”

Nervous about what, I wanted to ask. This was our third so called date, and our first date was disastrous and the second one was going good until he held me down in bed. I tried to put it to the back of my mind but it kept coming back to me, reminding me that I didn't like Turner as a boyfriend.

“There’s no reason to be nervous,” I said, trying to lighten the mood. “I think we’re close enough to skip the polite conversation, don’t you think?”

Turner flushed again as the spoon he was holding slipped from his fingers. It clattered against the ice cream bowl and others around us jumped, glaring at us. I bit the inside of my lip to refrain from rolling my eyes.

God, could this get any worse?

“Sorry,” Turner mumbled. “I guess all I know how to do is fuck up. I mean, obviously that’s all I know how to do because that’s all I’ve been doing.”

And here comes the self-pity.

“You’re not fucking anything up,” I lied.

I tried not to sneer as Turner rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. At first Turner’s awkwardness was a turn on; something that made him cute and vulnerable. But now… It was becoming annoying. The guy sitting in front of me wasn’t the guy I originally met and it was a complete turn off. I didn’t want to be mean to him though.

“Is it good?” I asked.

“It’s amazing,” Turner gushed.

“Oh wow, it’s late. I think once we finish we should get going. I have a lot to do.”

“Want me to keep you company in your room?” Turner said with a wink. “Or, if you’d rather, I can take you back to my place. We could pick up where we left off?”

How could I go back there when everything already sucked right where we were?

“I wish I could,” I said, feigning regret. “But I have a test to study for… A big one. If I don’t ace this, my G.P.A. will drop.”

Turner frowned and actually put his milkshake down.

“That’s a bummer. Do you want me to help you study? I’m used to pulling all-nighters. I can get us some coffee, some donuts, and we can make a night of it. Nothing else, I promise.”

“Thanks for the offer but I think this is kind of a solo job, you know?”

Turner shrugged but he lost his smile as he finished the milkshake.

“Okay,” he said after a minute.

“Not a problem. Maybe we can hang out this week.”

“Maybe,” I said lightly.

The two of us stood up and exited the place, surrounding ourselves with the cool night. I turned my head up to the stars and silently wished that things could get better.

“Do you want to do something this weekend… After your test?”

I clamped my lips shut tight, not wanting to say yes but feeling too bad to say no. Turner wasn’t a horrible guy. It was just that the more I hung out with him, the less I felt for him. We were good as friends and that was all I could do… But how could I tell him that? And what happened at his place didn't make things any better. It was a huge mistake on my part. The way it ended made it hard for me to see myself with Turner, ever.

“Turner I-”

Turner stopped and I nearly crashed into him.

“Let me guess. You think we’re great as friends but nothing else, right? You don’t feel for me what I feel for you, right?”

Too shocked to say anything, I only nodded.

“I’m sorry,’ I murmured.

“Don’t be. It’s not something I haven’t heard before… Especially after girls meet Nash.”

Turner didn’t sound angry, nor did he sound resentful. Turner just sounded… Sad. I wanted to grab his hand and tell him that it wasn’t Nash… That this had nothing to do with him. Nash wasn’t involved in my decision at all. I knew, though, that even if I did tell him that, Turner wouldn’t believe me.

“It’s fine, Lily. I get it.”

“Do you?” I asked. “Do you get it Turner?”

“Yeah,” he confirmed. “I understand. I’m just not boyfriend material. There’s no spark, right? There’s nothing there… Or at least you don’t feel it.”

I didn’t want to ask if he felt it. I knew what the answer would be.

“I’m sorry.”

“Let’s get back to the dorm.”

Turner made a sharp left and I couldn’t do anything else but follow him.

* * *

I let myself into the dorm using my key and immediately dropped my bag onto the floor. Sabrina, who was surprisingly in the dorm studying, looked up when I walked in. She closed the thick text book, marking her page with a highlighter, and turned to me.

“Rough night?” she asked and I nodded, too exhausted to answer.

I shimmied out of my clothes and exchanged it for a baggy t-shirt and a pair of flannel pants.

“I’m assuming the date didn’t go well?”

“You would be assuming correctly,” I told her.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know,” I said honestly. “It started out fine,”

“But then it just fell to pieces. He’s not for me.”

I laid out to Sabrina the whole date if you want to call it that. I started with the night before. Then from the time we left the dorm room earlier and bumped into Nash, right up until I walked into the room. She nodded and murmured as I spoke but I wasn’t sure if she was truly listening to me. She probably didn’t understand my fear of being held down by someone. She probably would enjoy it the way she talked.

“Sorry for bogging you down with this crap. I just needed to talk to someone. I really thought that everything was going well. Turner… Well he seemed like a great guy, a hell of a lot better than Nash. But after last night and today… I don’t even want to hang out with him, honestly.”

“I totally get it,” Sabrina told me. “And Turner is a nice guy. But if I’m going to be honest with you, Lily, he’s kind of dull.”

Dull? Now all of a sudden Turner was dull?

“I wasn’t going to say anything before because you seemed really into him.”

Really? She obviously didn’t understand what I was talking about.

“Whatever.”

I plopped down onto my bed and pulled a blanket over me.

Curling on to my one side, I turned off my lamp and stared, bleary-eyed at the wall. My body was tired and my eyes drooped but my mind would not stop thinking about the day, or about Turner and Nash.

Although I wasn’t going to admit it, Sabrina hit it right on the nose. I liked Nash, as much as I didn’t want to. Probably more than I should and I knew it. But there was something about him; something about the way he talked to me, that drove me to him. Up until our fight, he was the person I talked to if I needed anything, even more than Sabrina.

Nash had the air of confidence and security that I wanted coupled with the sense of adventure I craved. Compared to Nash, Turner was bland.

And he reminded me of my dark past.

But it didn’t matter.

I didn’t like Turner and Nash didn’t like me. He made that perfectly clear the other day and was obviously pissed when he saw Turner and I together. I was right back to where I started; alone. What was I going to do about it?

With that thought in my mind, I finally closed my eyes and willed my body to sleep.

* * *

A few weeks later at around three o’clock in the morning, I heard a pebble hit the thin window of my dorm room. Before I opened my eyes, I heard the second and then the third pebbles. Soon the pebbles weren’t coming one by one but instead in packs, sounding like hail. If it kept going I knew that it would wake Sabrina up and then all hell would break loose.

Stumbling up from my bed, I shuffled to the window and looked down.

Though the shadows were thick, I could make out Nash’s profile in the soft light of the flashlight he was holding. He looked serious as he motioned me downstairs.

Jesus.

I hadn’t seen or talked to him for a while, but at three in morning he’s bothering me?

The pebbles didn’t stop. I finally grabbed my robe and as I left the dorm room I couldn’t help but wonder how Nash managed to stay under my window without getting caught. Security patrolled the dorms at night and yet they didn’t catch him.

Frowning, I pulled the robe closer to my body and went down the stairs and outside. My feet were cold even in the slippers that covered them and the crisp air slithered under my robe, sending shivers through my body.

“Hey there,” Nash whispered as I got closer to him. “Did I wake you?”

His cocky grin proved that he knew he woke me.

“What do you want?” I asked. “I have to get back to bed. I have a test tomorrow.”

Nash frowned and dug his hands in his pockets.

“I wanted to talk,” he mumbled and I rolled my eyes.

“Why? Why do you want to talk? I don’t think we have much, if anything, to talk about... You made yourself very clear last time we talked.”

And by kissing that girl…

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about Lily… I came here to apologize. I shouldn’t have said any of that shit. I was…. Well, freaked out, majorly.”

“You think?” I hissed. “I think you did more than freak out.”

Nash nodded.

“I didn’t mean any of it. I should have never said what I said. I… I just fucking miss you okay?”

Miss me? He missed me?

“Y-You miss me?” I stuttered.

He nodded.

“Yeah, I miss you. I miss you a lot actually. I miss hanging out with you and seeing you. I hate not knowing what the fuck is going on with you.”

“Why do you care? Last time I checked, you thought I was clingy and needy.”

“I didn’t mean that shit. You make me laugh and think about things that I used to never think about. You don’t fall at my feet like all of these girls; you challenge me and push against me every chance you get.”

I found myself smiling anyway.

What the hell? How can he have this effect on me?

I should have turned him away. I should have told him that I never wanted to speak to him again but the words just wouldn’t come.

“Well, what if I don’t care about any of that? What if I don’t give a flying fuck about how you feel or what you think?”

“Well-”

“You hurt me Nash. You discarded me like I was trash and didn’t give me a second glance. You-”

I clamped my mouth shut, biting my tongue. I was about to tell Nash something that I didn’t even realize until that moment. I was about to tell Nash that he broke my heart. He broke my heart.

I hung out with him only a few times and he already broke my heart? I couldn’t help it.

“You what?”

“Nothing,” I muttered. “Never mind.”

“No, Lily, tell me,” Nash pushed.

He brushed my arm, leaving a row of tingles. Suddenly, in the dark, I heard the rustling of leaves and heavy footsteps. By the time I turned, the security guard was standing in front of us, tapping his foot on the ground.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

“I  just had to speak to her and it couldn’t wait. I couldn’t wait.”

“Well no student is allowed to be out this late on school grounds, it’s school policy. We don’t want anything to happen to anyone.”

“I’ll get back inside…” I mumbled.

Nash grabbed my arm before I could move.

“Lily-”

“I need time, Nash,” I said. “I know that you don’t want to hear it but just give me some time.”

“Lily…”

Nash dropped his hand, shuffling back to give me ample room to move.

“Shit. Fine.”

“Thank you.”

Without another glance at Nash, I schlepped through the leaves back into the building. My hands were numb but not as numb as my heart.

Slipping through the door, I was relieved to see that Sabrina was still fast asleep. Climbing back into my own bed, I pulled the covers up, tucking them under my chin, and closed my eyes. A part of me wanted to look out the window and see if Nash was still there, waiting for me. I wanted to know whether he meant what he said and if he really regretted everything that happened. I should have asked him about the girl. I’m sure there was more than one.

But another part of me, a stronger part of me, didn’t care. I wasn’t going to let him walk all over me with a bad attitude and kissing other girls. If he wanted to be with me he would have to show me.

Though I doubt that will happen.

Despite what he said, I didn’t believe that Nash was the type of guy to come back crawling, begging for forgiveness. He thought he was too good for something like that. That was the last thought I had before I found myself in the deep black orb of sleep.

Chapter Thirteen

“Morning sunshine!” I turned my head and groaned as I saw Nash leaning up against the wall of my dorm building.

He wasn’t going to give up.

After the night before, I figured Nash would get the hint. He would sink away, leave me alone and go do whatever he needed to do. I should have known that I was absolutely, one hundred percent, going to be wrong. I should have realized that Nash doesn’t give up on anything.

“How did you sleep last night?”

“Like shit, actually.”

He had a cheesy grin all over his face.

“So… Are you ready for your test?”

In truth, I wasn’t even thinking about the test. All I could think of was Nash’s visit and his admission. But the big questions were…Was he being serious? Did he really mean those things or was it just something he said to get into my pants?

“Do you want some coffee before the test? Maybe a little breakfast?”

“No thank you, I’ll be fine.”

“Without some breakfast or at least some coffee, you’re not going to be taking the test very well…”

I didn’t want to tell him that no matter what I wouldn’t be taking the test very well. Not with everything else on my mind and in my life.

“Come on, let me buy you coffee.”

“No,” I said again. “I don’t want you to buy me coffee. I don’t need you to buy me anything.”

“I don’t care about what you need. I want to do this for you.”

“Why?” I snapped.

“Because I like you.”

“You’ll say that and go kiss another girl. That’s who you are.”

“So you don’t like me.”

“Nash…”

I didn’t get the chance to finish the sentence because, at that moment, Nash grabbed me around the waist and pulled me against his hard, taut body. His other hand grasped my neck as he crashed his lips onto mine. I was frozen, too shocked to react.

Dropping my bag onto the floor, I found myself wrapping my arms around Nash’s neck and tilting my head ever so slightly, deepening the kiss. A spark ignited in the base of my stomach, flourishing down to my toes and then back up. Despite the time that passed and the fight that happened, I wanted Nash as much now as I did before.

What is wrong with me?

I had to stop.

A bad boy isn’t what I needed.

I pulled away abruptly and shot my hand out to balance myself against the wall. My heart thumped and blood rushed in my ears. Nash’s eyes were glazed over and it didn’t seem like he knew much more of what was happening than I did.

“I have to go,” I muttered and dropped down to pick up my deserted things. “I have a test and then I have to meet Sabrina and Elizabeth.”

“Lily-”

Nash reached out to me but I skittered out of his reach. If he touched me again I knew I wouldn’t stop it from going farther. I was so disjointed that I probably would have pushed forward. My body was warm and I was restless. I wanted to ditch everything, including my inhibition, and take Nash upstairs. I wanted to crawl into bed with him and let him do anything and everything he wanted to me. I wanted to be at his mercy and that scared me... I never felt as drawn to one person as I did with Nash.

This was new territory for me.

“I said I have to go,” I repeated. “Nash…”

He looked at me, hope written across his face. His scowl was gone and, now that his sense came back to him, he was smiling again. He ran his hand through his hair and smoothed out the collar of his shirt, all without taking his eyes off of me.

“What?” he asked and I could hear the expectation.

He was waiting for me to tell him that I was wrong, that I made a mistake. He wanted to hear that I realized that I couldn’t live without him. Although he didn’t say that, I could see it in his face. He thought he broke me... Maybe he did.

But I didn’t want him to know…

“You need to leave me alone… I need space…”

Nash opened his mouth to spew out a retort but I turned around, cutting him off. My chest tightened and a knot was in my throat. I wasn’t sure what would happen if I walked away from Nash but I knew that I had to.

* * *

After my test that I’m sure I failed, my head pounded and the knot that was in my throat traveled down my stomach making it impossible for me to eat anything. On the other side of the room Sabrina sat with Elizabeth, laughing at some kind of inside joke. I, on the other hand, was curled up with blankets, tucking my head under the pillow. All I wanted was some peace and quiet but it didn’t look like I was going to get that any time soon. Every time I closed my eyes, Nash’s face came back to me with such force that I hadn’t slept in two, maybe three days. I was becoming exhausted and it was showing in everything I did.

It took almost all my strength to get up in the morning and drag myself to class. Already I had ditched two classes because I was just so tired and so depressed. Like I asked, Nash left me alone. He left me alone so well that I never saw him in the halls or where I got food. It was like he disappeared, or as if he was a figment of imagination.

He probably found another girl. It wouldn’t be hard for him

Turner, on the other hand, was everywhere I turned. The first encounter was awkward; neither of us knew exactly what to say, but he finally broke the ice with some pathetic joke that actually put a smile on my face.

When was I going to forgive him? The logical side of me said never. Nash hurt me, a lot. But, I didn’t want to mope around for the next few years.

“Hey little miss fun sucker, are you going to come out from your little cocoon and join the land of the living again?”

I lifted the pillow over my head and glared at my roommate. She had half of a smile on her face and she was staring at me expectantly.

“Or are you going to lie there, hiding from the world, because your heart got banged up a little?”

“I’ve just had a lot on my mind lately and need some time to decompress.”

“So by decompressing you’re going to fail out of school and go home? Is that going to make things any easier, really?” Sabrina scoffed. “He’s just a boy, for crying out loud. You’ll meet someone new next week or the week after that.”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m not going to find someone new. I don’t want to find someone new. I’m done, worn out.”

Sabrina sighed and crossed the room to sit on my bed. I was fine in high school without a boyfriend. Now, here I was aching for bad boy Nash.

“For what it’s worth,” she said. “He came over the other night… When you were at the library.”

This time I took the pillow off my head and pushed myself up to look at my roommate.

“He?” I asked. “He who?”

“Nash,” she said. “He was looking for you… Well actually he was looking to see how you were. He knew that you wanted nothing to do with him but he decided to come by and ask me. He’s worried about you.”

“Well, he has no reason to be worried,” I said. “You can tell him that the next time you see him. I’m fine...”

“Right. Fine.”

Sabrina started to play with the ends of my hair; hair that could use a good washing.

“If you want to believe you’re fine, Lily, then I’m not going to stop you. But, honestly, if you want my opinion, you are everything but fine. Why don’t you give the guy a chance? People screw up.”

To my horror, tears brimmed in my eyes and I squashed them away by rubbing my palms against my sockets.

“I really liked him, Sabrina. I thought he liked me too… But he kisses other girls and gets pissed at me for stupid stuff.  I should have known that. I mean he told me that he wasn’t a one girl type of man.”

“But maybe now that he met you he is a one girl type of guy. Maybe he changed… Or at least wants to change. Did you ever think of that?”

The truth was that I hadn’t. I hadn’t thought much of anything except what Nash said to me during our fight.

“Guys don’t change,” I argued. “They don’t know how to change. It’s their way or no way.”

Sabrina slapped her hand on her forehead and shook it.

“You are so damn stubborn sometimes,” she muttered. “You like to think that the guys are the thick headed imbeciles but you… You’re just as bad.”

“No I’m not!” I exclaimed.

How could Sabrina say something like that? Wasn’t she supposed to be on my side? Shouldn’t she be defending me to Nash, not the other way around? What was this?

“Nice, Sabrina, really nice. So much for sister solidarity. Aren’t girls supposed to stick together; you know, ho’s before bro’s?”

“Yes we are and I would be if a certain ho wasn’t so stuck in her ways when it came to a certain bro,” Sabrina wrapped her arm around me. “What made you this way, Lily? Why are you so hard on Nash, Turner, or any other guy? Why can’t you give Nash a chance?”

Tears spilled down my cheeks and dripped off my chin. I wiped them away as fast as I could but Sabrina and Elizabeth still saw them.

“Lily what’s wrong?” Sabrina asked. “Why are you crying? Did I make you cry? I didn’t mean to. I was just trying to get through to you.”

“Because… I lied to you,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

“About what?” Elizabeth asked.

It was the first time she had spoken and she cut the tension in the room with her voice. I didn’t want to tell them, any of them, the truth; the truth that I tried to bury a long time ago. I didn’t want to relive the moments in the cabin by the lake or the feelings that I was left with.

“Lily…Lily, talk to us.”

“I can’t,” I said. “I can’t talk to you… I can’t talk to anybody. Not about this. I don’t even want to think about this, let alone talk about it.”

“Well, whatever it is you’re hiding,” Sabrina said, “it is preventing you from being able to move on with your life. Is this the way you want to be from now on? Do you want to be a shell of yourself; hiding and darting around just so no one gets close enough to you?”

No, of course I didn’t want that. I didn’t want any of that but there was nothing I could do about it. Once they knew there was no going back. I would be that girl forever. I had to break away from it once and that was only because I went to college. How was I supposed to break away from it again?

I hoped that it wouldn’t be like last time. These people… They’re older and would understand more. They wouldn’t try to burn me at the stake…Or maybe they would. But I would never know until I tried.

“I’m not a virgin,” I said.

Sabrina and Elizabeth stared at me, silent and waiting.

“You lied about sex? But why?”

“I didn’t want to tell you the truth because the truth comes with more baggage than I wanted. I didn’t want everyone to know it about me. I… I wanted to start over; I wanted to be a new person.”

“So what happened?”

I wiped the tears from my eyes.

“It happened when I was fourteen years old. It was the very end of the school year and I was about to graduate from middle school. That coming fall I would finally be a freshman in high school, something I only dreamed of being.”

“Okay, and?” Elizabeth  asked.

Sabrina glared at Elizabeth as she squeezed my hand.

“She doesn’t have to tell us if she doesn’t want to,” Sabrina said.

She looked at me.

“Seriously, Lily, you don’t have to tell us. It’s okay to keep your secret.”

“No,” I said as I swallowed loudly. “I have to tell you… I want to tell you. If I don’t then I’ll just be living two different lives. I won’t be able to be honest with myself or let anyone else close to me.”

I wanted all my new close friends to know about it so it didn't feel like I had to hold it in and feel so alone. I didn't want attention or anything like that otherwise I would've told people about it a long time ago. But it was to the point where my new friends were beginning to not understand me. Letting them know about my secret would probably help them too.

“Okay, but only if you’re absolutely sure.”

“I am,” I said, wiping the tears from my eyes. “So like I said, it was the summer before I entered high school. There was this boy I met, a seventeen year old. He was cute; you know blonde hair, blue eyes, great body. He was the lifeguard at the local pool and he would always take a minute or two to talk to me when I got there. All my friends were jealous because he was giving me special attention. I liked the attention because no other guy had ever given me any. So I didn’t bother to try to stop it or change it anyway. Why would I, you know? Anyway, one day he asked me if I wanted to go on a date with him. I knew my parents wouldn’t let me so I lied and told them I was staying at a friend’s house. He wanted to take me to his families’ cabin in the woods, right by a lake.”

Elizabeth gasped and Sabrina bit her lower lip. I had a feeling that the two knew what I was going to say before I even said it.

“Oh no,” Elizabeth sighed. “You didn’t go, did you?”

I nodded.

“I did go,” I said, regret filling my words. “And I wish I hadn’t. When we got to the cabin he opened the door for me and led me inside. I thought it was chivalrous and charming. I loved it. But the moment that door closed he grabbed me and started kissing me on the lips. I kissed him back because I liked the attention but then he started to try and take my shirt off and I told him no. He didn't listen though. He pulled and tugged at my shirt while I tried to stop him but he was too strong. He was able to get me completely naked and he raped me. At the end he held my arms down with his legs and came all over me. I screamed and cried but I'm sure no one ever heard me because we were in a place that was secluded.”

I stood up and walked around, not able to sit there and watch my friends’ faces change from happy to horror. This was the whole story behind why I was so scared to go in Nash's house with him. I was afraid to be alone with guys ever since that moment. Then I was finally able to break out of my shell once I started college, but it was still difficult.

When Turner held me down and came all over my chest it brought back memories that I didn't want to relive. I would never be able to look at Turner the same again and it wasn't even his fault. It was just that my past had so much pain in it and one stupid sexual incident with him caused it to all come back.

“Go on,” Sabrina urged.

“Once it was over he told me he would give me a ride back into town as long as I didn't tell anybody about what happened. He said if I ever tried people wouldn’t believe me anyways. And that's what I thought would happen so I never told anybody about it. I lost all my friends because I was in constant pain and could not handle being around anybody. I would just hide in my room and study.”

Chapter Fourteen

“Oh my God. You should've told somebody. You are a victim and you shouldn't have had to take that. No one should!”

“I know that now. I was so young at the time I was scared. I wish all young girls that get in my situation go to the authorities right away. Nobody should be doing that to anybody.”

“Does Nash know any of this?” Sabrina asked finally.

I shook my head.

“No, of course not. How could I tell him something like this? He wouldn’t look at me the same way. No one ever does when they find out this stuff. That’s why I tend to keep everything a secret. I don’t want to be treated differently. I don’t want people look at me with pity. I just want to be normal.”

“You are normal,” Elizabeth said. “This… Whatever happened to you, doesn’t affect whether or not you’re normal. You’re a victim Lily. You didn’t ask for this. Whoever thinks that somehow you allowed this is stupid.”

I was relieved that neither of the girls turned away from me. I wouldn’t know how to handle it if they did. They were the closest friends I had here and I didn’t want to ruin that.

“But you should talk to Nash,” Sabrina said. “Maybe not tell him the whole story but tell him something. Don’t keep shutting him out because you’re scared. He doesn’t want to hurt you.”

“How do you know?”

I looked at Sabrina, convinced she wasn’t paying attention. Her head was down and she was fiddling with her phone.

“Sabrina?”

“I know that Nash has some type of reputation as a heartbreaker but trust me, he’s not as horrible as people make him out to be,” she said, finally looking back up at me. “Deep down, he cares more about people than they realize.”

“How do you know all of this about Nash and Turner?” I questioned.

Sabrina seemed to know Nash and Turner better than she let on.

But why?

How?

“I… It’s not important,” Sabrina said, brushing off my question. “I just know them, both of them.”

The more she evaded the question, the more I was itching to know.

“Tell me,” I pushed. “You seem to know them a lot more than just meeting them a year ago. Come on, I won’t tell either of them what you said.”

“It doesn’t matter how,” Sabrina said, her eyes narrowing. “Stop pushing it, Lily, okay? Just drop it.”

I opened my mouth to argue but I knew it would be no use. Sabrina wasn’t going to tell me at all. Whatever secret she was keeping I knew she would take it to her grave.

Maybe I could ask Turner… Turner had to know the answer that I was so desperately seeking.

“Okay, I’ll stop,” I said and Sabrina looked at me with surprise.

I figured she was waiting for more arguing, more complaining on my part. I was just going to have to get the answers from another source.

“So are you going to talk to Nash?” Elizabeth asked.

“No.”

The light mood vanished and I was back to facing my own dilemma.

“I can’t. I don’t know what to say.”

There was a knock on the door and I frowned. I wasn’t expecting anyone and I didn’t think Sabrina was either.

“Well you better think of something quick because there’s your knight in not-so-shining armor.”

I looked at my roommate, panicking.

“What did you do?” I whispered as there was another knock on the door. “I told you that I didn’t want to speak to him! Now what the hell am I supposed to do?”

“Look, I know you don’t want to speak to him. But I also know that you like him a lot and you’re just scared. You don’t want to get hurt and I get that but you can’t run from this forever.”

After the third knock on the door Sabrina sat up straight.

“Come in,” Sabrina called and the door swung open.

My hands were clammy and all of a sudden my throat was dry. I tried to ignore the gnawing in my stomach as I stared at him. Sabrina stood up and took Elizabeth by the hand.

“Come on Lizzie, we have to go get some nail polish and stuff.”

She gave me a meaningful look.

“See you two later.”

Sabrina and Elizabeth disappeared into the hallway and closed the door behind them, trapping me in the small space with Nash.

What was I going to do? What was I going to say? He was staring at me. I had to say something.

“Hey there,” Nash said. His voice was soft and tentative.

“Sabrina said you wanted to talk.”

“I guess,” I bit out and then hung my head. “I do want to talk… I just don’t know what to say. Or how to say it?”

“Say what?”

“I don’t know, that’s the problem,” I wailed, throwing up my hands.

Nash took a slow step towards me and reached out his hand until it clasped mine.

“Why are you here? I told you that I needed you to leave me alone. I can’t be around you, not right now and maybe not ever. You… You make me feel too much.”

“Why is feeling a bad thing?” Nash asked.

“Because you make me feel vulnerable. Like there is a chance that I can be a normal girl.”

“But you are normal.”

“And what if I’m not? What if you know nothing about me and you only think you do? What if there’s this whole other side of me… A dark side… That I’m hiding?”

“I know all that I have to know about you,” Nash said. “I know that you’re beautiful, smart, witty, and tough. I know that you’ll be the one who keeps me in line and yet keeps letting me know how much she loves me. I know that, even if you put up a tough front, all you want to do is be loved. This is all I need to know about. The supposed dark side, the stuff you don’t want to tell me, it doesn’t matter. I don’t care about your past, whatever it may be. You’re here, today, right now, that’s the only person I need. It’s the only person I want.”

“I’m just no fun.”

“Yeah you are. We can have fun together. I want to enjoy warm nights with you walking through campus. I want to take you to my concerts and be able to look at you while I’m playing. I… I want you, period.”

How easy it would be to let myself be swept up with Nash. I could picture us, the two of us, walking around hand and hand. I could picture waking up next to him and having some breakfast in the early morning sun wearing nothing but his button down shirt. I could picture it all and it all seemed so… Perfect.

But there was no real perfection.

Things wouldn’t stay like that. One day everything would fall to pieces, just like my past, and I would be left with a shattered heart in my hands. It already happened once and we weren’t even dating. What happens if it happened again after we were involved? It was a chance that I wasn’t sure I wanted to take.

But if I didn’t take a chance with my life who would?

“Please,” Nash begged. “I know that I fucking screwed up and I know that you don’t trust me but, please, just give me another chance. Let me prove to you that I can be the guy you want… No…Deserve to have.”

“Okay,” I whispered, finally relenting. “I’ll give you another chance.”

Nash turned me to him and tilted my head up with his two fingers. His lips pressed against mine, neither hesitant nor pushy. He was giving me the chance, the option. I would set the mood and pace.

The dampness of my mound greatened with the touch of our lips and I shifted, halting our kiss only to pull my shirt from my body. Nash did the same and then my bra was gone. Wrapping his well-toned arms around me, Nash pulled me close until our bare chests were touching. I moaned and Nash nibbled my ear lobe before sucking on the sensitive skin right behind it. I moaned again and my hands found the button of Nash’s jeans. My heart hammered and my hands trembled as I tried to pull the button free. Nash trailed kisses from my ear down my neck, stopping to tease his tongue against my collar bone. His hands worked my pants and underwear down until they were pooled in a pile around my ankles. I shifted, releasing my ankles from their shackles.

“Nash,” I gasped as his fingers found my sweet, throbbing clit.

“Yes,” he said to me. “What do you want?”

“I want…” I panted.

Now Nash was rubbing my clit with his fingers, slowly, tantalizing me as he stared at me.

“Tell me what you want,” Nash said. “I want…”

I couldn’t think, let alone come up with a coherent sentence. As Nash played with me with one hand, he slid his own pants and boxers down, kicking them away from us.

“Nash!” I growled in frustration.

His pressure against my clit grew and a knot of delight tightened in the base of my stomach.

“Please Nash.”

“Not until you tell me what you want,” he said, even though he knew exactly what I wanted; what I needed. “So tell me... Tell me what you want me to do to you.”

Putting my hand over his, I tried to push his fingers in, but he resisted, keeping me on the edge. I was wound tighter than a brand new guitar and I was teetering at the edge with no hope of falling over into a flood of release.

“Nash,” I whimpered as I tried again, in vain, to get him to help me over the edge.

“No,” Nash said fiercely. “Not until you tell me exactly what you want.”

He’s was trying to kill me! He was trying to drive me mad with unresolved passion. I paused, staring at him through passion filled haze.

Fuck this.

I pulled myself away from him. He paused, momentarily surprised, and I used that time to push him down onto his back, his erection standing stiff and straight.

“What the-”

The rest of his words were cut off as I swung my leg around him and straddled his lean torso. I didn’t know exactly what I was doing but that didn’t stop me from trying. Gripping his hands and keeping them pinned above his head, I lowered myself onto him, pausing only to let my body get used to the new sensation. Now it was Nash that groaned. Leaning my body forward, I put my lips next to his ear.

“Tell me what you want,” I whispered as I ground against his penis, lifting my body up and back down.

Bracing my legs, I continued my rhythm as Nash thrashed about.

“I want to touch you,” he moaned, begged really.

“No,” I said with a wicked grin.

I was enjoying this far too much.

“No touching, only watching… While I touch.”

“And how are you going to stop me?” Nash challenged. “You can’t let go of me so you can’t touch yourself. You’re going to lose…”

“Oh God,” Nash murmured as I continued to grind on him. “God damn you’re sexy, Lily.”

I finally let go of Nash freeing his hands to grab my breasts. I slid one of my hands down my body and began to play with my own clit, pinching it and rubbing it. Heat built up in my body and my legs trembled.

“Fuck,” Nash moaned. “Come here, now.”

I shook my head even as my stomach clenched.

“Fuck yeah!. Keep going...”

He grabbed my breasts harder and rocked into to me taking complete control. With a guttural cry, I finally let myself go and shook as the orgasm overcame me. Seconds later Nash moaned and his body jerked.

“Fuck,” he murmured, drowsily.

Nash pulled me close tucking me against his body. Closing my eyes, I drifted off to sweet oblivion.

* * *

Hours later my eyes opened and I saw Nash staring down at me, my hair twirled around his fingers.

“Hey there,” he whispered as he brushed his fingers over my cheek. “Sleep well.”

“Yeah,” I admitted. “You?”

“Great now that you’re next to me.”

Nash rolled on his back and pulled me to him until my head was on his chest and I could hear his heart beating. Despite everything I said to Sabrina, and the drama that Nash and I had been through, I finally felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I didn’t know what would happen tomorrow, or even the end of the week, but it felt right, now. I wanted to live in the moment, taking it one day at a time.

“Let’s go away this weekend,” Nash suggested. “Let’s go away and have some time together, just you and me. What do you say?”

“I can’t,” I murmured against his chest. “I have midterms to study for.”

“I’ll help you study for them and we can hang out. Come on.”

It sounded great. Actually, it sounded more than great; it sounded perfect.

“But my midterms. If I fail… My father will kill me and bring me back home on the first plane they can book me a seat on.”

“They can’t control you.”

“Yeah they can, I’d lose my scholarship and have nowhere to go but home.”

I looked at Nash, who was frowning.

“Well we can just stay here and study. I can help...”

He was actually serious about helping?

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“After my midterms,” I promised. “We can go somewhere. Okay?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

He kissed the top of my head and I felt my face warming. I let my eyes close once again. Sabrina was right; talking to Nash had been the best thing that I could have ever do.

Chapter Fifteen

When I opened my eyes, Nash was gone. Where he was once lying beside me was now cold and I was alone in the whole room. Panic seized me.

Where did he go?

Was I just a booty call to him?

Was I tricked?

I sat straight up, my heart pounding in my ears, and looked around. My eyes fell on a ripped piece of paper taped to my phone. Curious, I pulled the paper off and stuck it in front of my face, willing my eyes to focus on the words.

Dear Lily,

Before you go start thinking things that you shouldn’t be thinking, I didn’t run out on you. This wasn’t a one night stand and I’m not going to find another girl to lay tonight. My band called and they said they had some sort of emergency. They needed me right away and you looked so peaceful that I didn’t have the heart to wake you. I’m sorry.

I’ll call you later today since I know we have a lot to still talk about. And I’ll come by to help you study, like I promised. Let me know if you want to study at my place or your dorm. I’ll make us dinner.

Nash

As my heart fell back into its original rhythm, I settled back down and smiled. Nash and I were together. Who would have thought that would happen? I sure as hell didn’t but I wasn’t going to lie and say I didn’t like it or that I wasn’t excited. Tucking the note under my pillow, I pulled the blanket off of me and stood up.

Every step I took my muscles cried in protest. If I was going to get through the day I would need to start with a hot shower and some Advil. Oh and I couldn’t forget the coffee.

I wrapped my robe around me just as the door to the dorm opened and Sabrina came strolling in.

“Good morning there, sleepyhead,” Sabrina said. “Have a good night?”

“It was okay,” I said, keeping my face blank. “I’m surprised that you didn’t come back. How was your night?”

Sabrina shrugged and her eyes darted down. I knew that morning wasn’t a good time to be asking Sabrina any questions. If she wanted to tell me what was wrong she would.

“Did you sort everything out with Nash?”

Just his name sent shivers down my spine and blood to my cheeks. I couldn’t help but wonder if Sabrina could tell exactly what Nash and I did last night. I definitely hoped she couldn’t.

“Yeah, he thinks that everything will be okay.”

“And?”

“And I agreed,” I told her. “I told him that I would be willing to see what happened but that I wasn’t making any promises. I also told him that I was scared. He got that.”

“I knew he would. He’s that type of guy. He’s sweet and really cares. He’s also a bit full of himself but that’s only because there’s no one else around to compliment him or support him. Deep down, though, if you needed him he’s going to be there.”

Again I wondered how Sabrina knew Nash so well and I was itching to ask her.

But did I want to know the answer?

“I think I’m going to hang at his place tonight. He’s going to help me study for midterms and everything.”

“Sounds fun.”

“Yeah... Well, I’m going to take a shower,” I announced. “I’ll be back in a bit.”

Bringing my clothes with me, I crossed the room and down the hall into the shower. Thankfully it was still too early for anyone else to be awake and the bathrooms were empty. Tucking my clothes into the cubby, I hung my robe and towel on the peg and slipped into a shower stall. Turning the water on as hot as I could handle it, I let the drops pierce my skin like little knives, cutting me open and smoothing out all my aching muscles. Water fell on my hair, soaking it, and droplets trickled down my spine, hugging all my curves and crevices. After I lathered my hair with shampoo, I began to wash, closing my eyes, and as I washed, I thought about all the places Nash’s hands touched. My collar bone, my ribs, my breasts.

Suddenly the main door opened and I heard footsteps walking towards the locked stall that I was in. My eyes widened.

“Lily?” Sabrina knocked on the door. “Lily, are you okay? It’s been, like, an hour since you got into the shower. Did you pass out?”

“I’m fine,” I said, hating the quiver in my voice. “I’ll be out in a little bit.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?” she asked. “Do I need to go get someone?”

“No. I’m coming out now.”

Quickly rinsing my hair, I pulled all my toiletries into my carry-all and wrapped a towel around my body. I stepped out of the shower and bumped into Sabrina, nearly falling back. Thankfully Sabrina grabbed my arm, pulling me up and steadying me.

“Thanks.”

“You don’t look okay.”

I shook my head.

“I was just taking a long shower is all.”

“Good, thought something happened to you. Come on and get dressed, then the two of us can go get breakfast.”

“Sounds like a great plan,” I said and followed Sabrina back to the room.

* * *

If someone asked me what I learned the day after I had sex with Nash I wouldn’t be able to tell them. I wasn’t paying attention in any of my classes; my mind was drifting off to the gorgeous guy waiting for me to get back to my dorm. If I didn’t take notes, on autopilot none the less, I would have nothing to study from.

Finals week went by in a blur. Nash helped me study and I shuffled from class test to class test, every second wishing that I could be with Nash. Every text message he sent, sent a jolt of excitement through my body. Thankfully it was over and I could just be with Nash on my break.

As Nash I sat on the couch in my dorm’s common area, I thought about how my life had changed so quickly. I went from no friends to two really good friends in Sabrina and Elizabeth. I went from no guys wanting me to two. It was unbelievable.

“Hey Lily,” I heard someone say.

Before I could say something in response, a shadow loomed over us. I looked up and the heat in my body turned to ice as I saw Turner standing there, staring at the two of us.

“Turner, hey,” I said breathlessly. “What’s up?”

“Not much,” he said.

His words were slipped and dripped with cynicism.

“So what’s going on here? Rumor has it that you two are the new it couple...”

“It’s not-”

“Yeah we are,” Nash said, cutting me off.

“Cool, I just came to I’m cool with it.”

Turner turned to me and I could see the ice in his eyes.

“At least I know why you didn’t want to go out with me now. You know, you could have just been honest and told me. You didn’t have to lie.”

“I didn’t lie,” I said and glanced at Nash.

He had an amused expression on his face but I knew that he was listening to each and every word that came out of my mouth.

“I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. I see you as a good friend, Turner. Isn’t that good enough for you?”

“No, but it looks like it’s going to have to be. You’re not giving me much of a choice, are you?”

“I don’t think she is,” Nash said, responding for me yet again.

I didn’t mind him speaking for me as long as he didn’t become over controlling. I still wanted to do things myself.

“Turner, if you want to talk, we can go talk. But let’s not make a scene, okay? I don’t want people staring at us.”

“Yeah, otherwise get the fuck out of here! Go find another girl!” Nash shouted.

At that moment I figured Nash crossed the line. Everyone in the common area was now watching, waiting for a fight to break out. But to my surprise, and the disdain of everyone else, Turner turned away and stomped out, slamming the door behind him. There was a thick silence in the room while everyone looked from me to Nash. But finally the room slowly filled up with mindless chatter.

“Are you okay?” Nash asked.

I knew that he saw my pale face and shaking fists.

“Lily?”

“I’m fine,” I bit out.

“Just ignore him. He’s just angry because you don’t want to be with him. Plus, he hates me and that only makes it worse.”

I wasn’t sure that was the whole story...

“I’m fine,” I said again, this time softer. “Rain check?”

“Of course,” Nash said.

Chapter Sixteen

Clouds rolled in the sky, hovering over the college and threatening to open up. I hovered near the window, a blanket wrapped around my body, and watched as the clouds grumbled. Lightning flashed and I jumped, moving away from the window. I turned to watch Sabrina as she painted her nails. She blew on the fingers she just painted, her eyes never leaving my face.

“What’s going on?” she asked, climbing on top of my thin mattress.

I rested my head against the wall and yawned.

“Nothing, this weather just sucks.”

“Aw are you missing your little boyfriend?” she teased. “You didn’t get enough kisses or hugs before he left you?”

“Oh shut up. You’re just jealous because Nash is my boyfriend and not yours.”

Sabrina snorted.

“As if I want to deal with his baggage again.”

Again? Did she just say again? Sabrina went back to her nails but I couldn’t stop staring at her. What did she mean by again?

Did Sabrina date Nash? It seemed like she did…

“Sabrina,” I said, my voice sounding louder then I meant in the small room.

She jumped, painting her toe instead of the nail.

“What?” she said.

She glared at me as she tried to wipe the nail polish off the toe without smudging the nail.

“Do you mind not having a spastic moment? Now what are you squawking about?”

“Did you and Nash…” I bit my lip.

This was harder than I ever imagined.

“I mean… Were you and Nash…”

Sabrina through her head back and laughed.

“Are you asking me if I was Nash’s girlfriend?”

“Yeah, basically. You seem to know him really well and you said you didn’t want to deal with his baggage again. That kind of indicates…”

“I was never his girlfriend,” Sabrina said.

I almost smiled when Sabrina opened her mouth again and froze me to my spot.

“I made out with him is it.”

My heart stopped. .

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because it doesn’t matter. It was at the beginning the school year.”

“But you didn’t tell me,” I repeated.

And neither did Nash.

Sabrina shrugged.

“I guess it just… Slipped my mind I guess.”

I wasn’t sure but it looked like Sabrina had a smile on her face as she finished up her toes.

“I have to go,” I muttered.

Throwing off the blanket, I grabbed a jacket and left the dorm room. I didn’t remember getting in the car or driving to Nash’s house. All I remembered was when I got to the front of the door. I banged against the wood, open palm. The rain splashed down on me, soaking my clothes and my hair.

I had to live up to Sabrina now.

“I know you’re in there, Nash,” I muttered. “Your car is in the drive way. You have to be home.”

I banged on the door again, my hand stinging with the contact.

“NASH!” I screamed. “NASH, OPEN THE DAMN DOOR!”

Finally the door opened and Nash stood on the other side of the door in his boxers and for the first time I saw his muscular tattooed cover body in the light.

“What’s going on, Lily?” Nash said.

He rubbed one sleepy eye and then the other. It was only then that I realized he wasn’t at his gig.

“What happened to your gig?” I asked, momentarily thrown off the reason I went to his house.

“It got rained out,” he muttered. “What’s going on?”

“Did you sleep with Sabrina?”

“What? What are you talking about?” he asked.

“Sabrina. She said that she slept with you in the past. Is that true?” Nash’s brows furrowed and he frowned. “Nash!”

“Why did she tell you that she slept with me?” he asked, not answering the question.

“I asked you if you did. Did you sleep with her?”

“We made out,” he admitted. “Once. It was a drunken night after a party.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Nash shrugged and grabbed my hand.

“Why wouldn’t you tell me something like this?”

“Because it didn’t mean anything. I barely remember it, I was so drunk. And honestly, I forgot that it happened until you just mentioned it.”

I pouted, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

“Seriously, Lily. It meant absolutely nothing. It’s not like we had sex. This isn’t a big fucking deal.”

I knew he had kissed other girls. I knew he had sex with other girls. However, Nash kissing Sabrina was the worst of all. I didn’t want to be getting her sloppy seconds.

“You could have told me. I felt like a fool when she told me.”

Nash pulled me close to him, getting me out of the rain.

“I’m sorry. Maybe I should have told you. But Lily… Are you really going to keep getting mad at me for my past? You know I’ve been with other girls. Is this going to continue to be a problem?”

I knew that the right answer, the only answer, was no. I wasn’t going to keep getting mad at him because of his past. But I couldn’t tell him something that I wasn’t sure of. Nash was my first real boyfriend and the only person I’ve had any experience with. Unless you count Turner. I didn’t like to think that Nash was with anyone else, or loved anyone else. I would admit it; I was jealous.

“I’m not mad at you. You have to give me some kind of leniency though. I’m all new at this dating thing.”

“I know and so am I. Now what do you say we get you out of these wet clothes?”

The gleam in his eye told me that he had more planned than just getting me warm.

All I did was smile and let him lead me into the house and down to his room.

* * *

“Come on I want to show you something,” Nash said.

I was sprawled out on his couch, in his sweats, watching a re-run of The Nanny. I cocked my head to the side, staring at him.

“But I’m comfortable Nash,” I complained.

The rain stopped overnight and the sun was peeking up through the trees. It was cold out but at least there was no more rain.

“And I’m warm. Do we have to go out?”

Nash laughed as he tugged me to my feet.

“I want to take you somewhere and show you something. Are you really going to argue with me?”

With a sigh I shook my head.

“Fine, I’ll go with you…” I said, kissing him.

* * *

I buckled in the car as he started the engine. Soon we were off, driving down the stretch of road. The road was empty and the air was cold against my cheeks. I let my arm hang out the window and smiled at the sunrise in front of us. Just me, Nash, and the sunrise; the perfect morning. Suddenly, Nash made a left, pushing me into the car door. I held on as the tires climbed over the rocky road.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“You’ll see,” he promised. “Do you trust me?”

I was in the car with him, alone. It was the type of question that the answer didn’t actually matter. For the first time I wasn’t the littlest scared about being alone with a guy because of my past.

“Yeah, I trust you,” I said. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t like to know what’s going on.”

“You’ll see.”

Nash made another turn and drove down what looked like a deserted road before stopping and turning the car off.

“You told me that seeing the ocean and letting your toes curl in the sand was one of your biggest dreams. Right?”

“Right,” I said.

“Well, welcome to your dream.”

Nash climbed out of the car and I followed suit. He grabbed my hand and guided me through some trees before coming to an opening. The wind tickled my face, throwing my hair away from my neck. In front of me was nothing but land and ocean. The waves crashed onto land in a rolling motion as the sun rose higher. The beach was deserted, not even a seagull in sight. I slipped off my shoes, followed by my socks, and took a tentative step forward.

The sand was cold but felt like little balls underneath my feet. My feet sunk in and the sand trickled over my toes, rubbing up against each toe. I took another step forward, gasping at the new feeling. It didn’t matter that my hair was blowing in my face or that my feet were becoming numb from the cold.

“Want to go in the ocean?”

I never felt the ocean water against my feet and the thought of moving forward both exhilarated me and scared me. I nodded and reached for Nash but he took a step back.

“Aren’t you coming?” I asked and he shook his head again.

“It’s your dream...”

“But you’re part of it Nash.”

Nash was my whole dream, every single inch of it. The flitting thought grabbed my heart and squeezed.

I loved him.

I was in love with Nash.

Absolutely, one hundred percent in love with him.

I didn’t see it before because I didn’t want to see it. I wanted to make sure I was safe. I didn’t want to give my heart out.

“Come with me,” I urged. “Please?”

“But Lily-”

“I want you to come with me. I want to experience this with you.”

Nash hesitated but finally joined me. Together, hand in hand, we walked down the sand and to the edge of the surf. I waited as the wave broke and water hit my feet. I jumped back but the water got me again. It was like no matter how far away I got from the surf, the water always found my feet. It was…

Amazing.

“Lily?”

“I love you Nash,” I blurted out. “I love you. I’m in love with you.”

I turned to Nash and saw that he was as white as the sand I was standing on.

“Nash?”

“We should go, Lily,” he said. “I don’t want you to be late for class.”

We had just got there and now we were already leaving. He turned on his heel and started back to the car, not even looking back to make sure that I was following him. Confused and defeated, I hung my head and started back behind him. What did I say that was so wrong? Was telling Nash that I loved him the wrong thing to do? Impulsive, sure. I would admit that. But shock ran over me when he didn’t say it back. Maybe he didn’t love me. Maybe…Maybe this was just a fling for him.

When I got to the car and finally climbed in, Nash had his eyes on the road and both hands on the wheel. I looked at him but he didn’t look back. Instead he started the car and we started back to my dorm which told me I did do something wrong since we came from his place.

I really screwed up.

The air in the car was thick with tension. Nash’s hands were so tight on the wheels that his knuckles were white.

“Nash?”

“What’s up Lily? Did you like the beach?”

“Y-Yeah, I… I thought it was great.”

“Well, I wanted you to be able to see it.”

He smiled at me but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. Was he going to mention what I blurted out or was he going to pretend like it didn’t happen? I couldn’t take back the words and I wasn’t even sure that I wanted to. I did love Nash. We had things in common.

But it wasn’t going to mean anything if he didn’t love me back.

“You don’t love me, do you?” I whispered.

Nash slid his eyes over to me for a second.

“What?”

“Love me, Nash, I told you that I loved you back at the beach. I told you that I was in love with you. But you didn’t say anything. It’s because you don’t love me, do you?”

“I didn’t say that, Lily.”

“But you didn’t say you loved me back. That kind of explains everything, don’t you think?”

Nash didn’t say another word. He pulled in front of my dorm building and kept his head straight as he stopped the car. It was my cue to leave but I hesitated hoping that Nash would say one last thing. He didn’t. Blinking back tears, I climbed out of the car and walked toward the building. By the time I turned back Nash and his car was gone.

Tears brimmed in my eyes and I knew I couldn’t go back inside the way I looked. So, tightening my jacket around me, I turned the opposite away Nash went and started to walk, hoping the cold air would clear my mind and relax my taut nerves.

* * *

When I got back to the dorm room, Sabrina was there reading a book. Elizabeth was next to her, using Sabrina’s laptop. I slammed the door and plopped down on the bed. Sabrina looked up.

“I’m sorry, Lily. I should have never said anything about Nash. Or I should have at least explained that it was nothing. I didn’t mean it to come out that way.”

“It’s okay… I overreacted anyway.”

“I would have done the same thing.”

Thankfully someone would have.

The next few days it was sunny out, the air was still cold and I pulled the blanket over me, curling myself up underneath it. I wasn’t tired but I was drained. All I wanted to do was stay in bed and not come out until next spring when the school year was over and I could go back home.

I still hadn’t heard from Nash. Opening my stupid mouth was such a bad idea. I should have kept it in and let Nash say it first. Maybe I made him feel trapped in a corner. I desperately wanted to text Nash and apologize for what I said. I wanted to take it back and pretend it didn’t happen. But even if I apologized I knew that it wouldn’t change anything. The words were already out there; I couldn’t take them back. I would just have to wait and see what would happen. I hoped that I didn’t screw everything up for good. But I had a feeling that I did.

Chapter Seventeen

I love you. Those three words were the worst three words that left my mouth. They ruined the one good thing that was happening and there was nothing I could do to fix it. I stared at my phone, willing it to ring, but it stayed silent. I hadn’t heard from Nash since the incident and I was unravelling at the seams.

My history text book was opened up in front of me, the pages parted to the American Revolution, but the words were blurring in front of my eyes. What time was it, three in the morning? Four? Sabrina was snoring softly across the room and I didn’t bother to look at the clock. It wasn’t going to change anything.

Waiting for Nash to call had made me an insomniac for the past few days. I couldn’t sleep, I barely ate. All I could think about was him and the look of pure horror after I let the words slip.

Slipping off my bed, I left the dormitory and went outside to the dark night. Crickets chirped and somewhere in the tree an owl hooted. Impulsively, I opened the phone and dialed Nash’s number. It didn’t matter how late it was. It was a Friday night; there was no way Nash was asleep. He had a gig that I was supposed to go to before he stopped talking to me, and it wasn’t ending until after midnight. By now he was probably just getting back to his house.

The phone rang once, twice, and on the third ring he finally picked up. I could hear a crowd in the background.

“Hello?” he said into the phone.

His voice was loud and I winced at the volume.

“Hey Nash,” I said.

I didn’t speak as loudly as he did because I didn’t want my voice to carry through the dead of night. I didn’t need campus security to hear me and come investigate what was going on.

“Hello?” he said again, obviously not hearing me.

“Nash, it’s Lily,” I said, this time louder.

“Lily? Hey what’s up?”

If he was upset to hear from me I couldn’t tell. He sounded happy and alive; as if he didn’t have a care in the world.

“What’s going on? It’s four in the morning, shouldn’t you be sleeping?”

It was like the whole incident didn’t happen. Nash spoke to me the same way he always did. There was no awkwardness, no silence. Yet, he never called me.

“I… I missed you,” I said, deciding to tell the truth. “I wanted to see how your set was. Did you do a good job?”

“The crowd seemed to like it. They asked for three encores. Can you fucking believe it? Three!”

“That’s great! I wish I was there to see it!”

We both knew why I didn’t go; I didn’t feel comfortable going to see him not knowing whether he was mad at me or not. Especially since he hadn’t talked to me since the beach incident.

Okay, he was mad at me.

“So… Do you want to come over tomorrow? I can make breakfast in the common area or something?”

“No,” Nash said and my heart dropped to my stomach. “Don’t worry about making me breakfast. How about I pick you up and we go to breakfast together. I think we need to talk.”

The dreaded four words. If guys thought it was hard hearing those words from a girl, it was even harder being the girl hearing it from a guy. I could just imagine all the things he wanted to say to me. First it would be a breakup, like I was expecting. I freaked him out.

“Sure,” I said, trying to keep my voice light. “See you around eleven?”

It wasn’t exactly breakfast time but I had a feeling that Nash would want to sleep as late as possible.

“No,” he said again. “I’ll see you at eight. Sweet dreams Lily.”

He cut off the call before I could say anything back. With a knot of dread forming in my stomach, I headed back to my dorm room to wait in agonizing silence until I saw Nash.

* * *

“Morning sexy,” someone said softly in my ear.

I opened my eyes to see Nash standing over me, dark circles under his eyes and a sleepy smile on his face.

“Good morning,” I mumbled.

I yawned and stretched, cracking my back.

“What time is it?”

“Eight forty-five. I wanted to let you sleep a little longer.”

“Thanks,” I said, confused.

I didn’t remember falling asleep and yet there I was, waking up to Nash’s soft voice. Staring at Nash, I tried to figure out if he was happy to see me. Was this an act for Sabrina or was the smile genuine? I didn’t tell Sabrina about my mishap but Nash didn’t know that. He probably didn’t want to look like a bad guy in front of her so he acted happy to see me.

“Give me five minutes and I’ll be ready.”

“I’ll wait outside for you, okay?” Nash asked.

“Sure.”

To my surprise, Nash bent down and kissed me on the lips before disappearing out of the dorm room. Not wasting any time, I found the cleanest clothes I could from the floor and ran across the hallway into the bathroom. Taking a stall, I changed out of my pajamas and into the clothes, then went to an empty sink to brush my teeth. Running back across the hall, I threw my dirty clothes onto my bed and then, on impulse, threw on a little eyeliner and lip gloss. If I was going to be broken up with, at least I would look good in the process.

At the fifth minute I was back downstairs and out the door, standing next to Nash. He was staring across the quad, watching kids throwing a Frisbee to each other.

“That was quick,” he commented.

“I told you that it was only going to be five minutes,” I pointed out. “I’m a girl of my word.”

Nash opened his mouth to say something but I put my hand up.

“Listen, before we go and before we have our little ‘talk’ I wanted to say something.”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for saying… Well you know. I didn’t mean it. Well, I mean I didn’t mean to say it. The words I meant but I should have kept them to myself. But I understand if that makes you uncomfortable and you want to break up.”

I was definitely rambling.

“You thought I wanted to break up with you?”

I nodded.

“What else was I supposed to think? Whenever someone says ‘we have to talk’ it’s usually a break up. Why would I think that this was any different?”

“Because I’m not the type of guy to run away when a girl admits her feelings,” he said.

But he kind of did at the beach.

“I’ll admit that I can’t say those words right now, but that doesn’t mean that I may not say them in the future. I was surprised, that’s all, and I didn’t know how to process it. I’m flattered, I am, and I care a lot about you.”

“You do?”

I felt a glimmer of hope at the edge of my fragile heart.

“Of course I do. You’re a great fucking girl Lily and I like you a lot. My mother died a year and a half ago and she was the last person to say I love you to me.”

“I’m sorry Nash.”

“It’s okay. I usually hide everything because it helps the days go by easier. I’m sorry I acted that way. I’m good at fucking things up.”

“No, it’s me. I get a little crazy. I told you before… I’m not used to any of this.”

“I guess that makes two of us,” Nash joked. “Why don’t you and I take it easy. Let’s go to breakfast and then we’ll figure out the rest. One day at a time, you know?”

It wasn’t exactly what I wanted but it was a better idea then breaking up.

“Sure, one day at a time.”

I grabbed his hand and let him lead me to his car.

The two of us drove down the highway, Nash humming while I looked out the window at the passing scenery. My eyes were still heavy and I couldn’t imagine how Nash was feeling. How was he still awake?

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said. “Why?”

I shrugged.

“Just asking, I know you were up late last night and I’m sure that you’re tired. I can drive if you want.”

Nash laughed.

“Do you know how to drive shift?”

I shook my head.

“Well then I think I’m our best bet.”

“But I can learn.”

“It will take more than a few minutes to teach you how to drive. Why don’t we put that off for another day?”

I rolled my eyes.

“Oh don’t give me that ‘I’m so offended’ look. I’m not being mean and I don’t hate you.”

I smiled out the side of my mouth while Nash pulled into a parking lot and grabbed the first spot he saw.

“Where are we?”

“A small diner about three miles off campus. Most people don’t know about this place which makes it great because it’s not crowded. You can get a seat almost immediately.”

“Have you been here before?”

Nash nodded and I bit my lower lip.

“Have you been here with… Other girls?”

He paused and looked me straight in the eye.

“One,” he admitted. “My sister. It was when we were younger, right after her prom. She had just broken up with her boyfriend for trying to force himself on her.”

Sister? She went through something similar to me.

“Oh my god Nash.”

“My mother had already died so I was all she had since she didn’t want to tell our dad.”

I was about to say something but he stopped me with a kiss on my lips.

“Let’s go inside.”

We both got out of the car. Nash held the door open for me and I stepped through right to the podium. Like he said they do, the waitress seated us immediately and handed us menus. She took our drink order and sashayed away. Once she was gone, Nash continued.

“I picked her up from her after prom party and we came here, I think it was five in the morning. She had her dress on and I came directly from the after party of my gig.”

“Oh,” I said.

I looked at the menu, pretending to be really intrigued at the options, when in reality my mind was going off in all different directions. I was upset. I didn’t like to hear that anyone had to go through that.

“Is something wrong?”

“No,” I lied.

How was I supposed to tell Nash what was going on in my head? How do I explain to him how I went through something similar.

“I need coffee is all.”

“Well, good thing that the waitress is bringing us two huge cups of it. Do you want to split something or have something yourself?”

“Either is fine. Want to get a stack of pancakes and split that?”

“Sure.”

* * *

“Thanks for breakfast,” I said as Nash brought me to my dorm room door. “I would invite you in but honestly I wouldn’t be any fun. I need sleep… Lots of sleep.”

“Me too.”

Especially since my test was that afternoon.

“Maybe we can meet up in a couple nights for something? I have another show… Want to come?”

My heart was pumping and butterflies were in my stomach. It was the first time that Nash actually invited me to one of his shows. The other time I just told him I was going.

“If you really want me to.”

“Hell yeah. How else am I supposed to show off my hot girlfriend?”

Hot?

Girlfriend?

I resisted the urge to jump up and clap my hands.

“Well then I guess I need to come.”

I tried to keep my voice calm, my words sounding nonchalant. Nash was smirking, almost expecting me to overreact.

Nash pulled me close, nuzzling my neck.

Chapter Eighteen

By the time I got to the bar Nash was playing at, I could already smell the alcohol. People were meshed together, taking up every nook and cranny available. The air was thick with smoke and I coughed into my hand, my lungs begging for fresh air.

Why did Nash choose here?

I forced my way through the throng of people. Guys were holding drinks while the women stepped close to them, intertwining their legs together. There was more skin than clothes and I averted my eyes from one girl whose nipples were seen through her fitted t-shirt.

She was probably hoping that they would get wet and she’d get laid that night.

I was about to turn around and leave the bar. As I went to leave, I felt a hand on my shoulder. Looking behind me I saw Nash’s smile.

God he was hot.

“Hey there beautiful,” he said.

I wasn’t sure whether the alcohol that I was smelling was on his breath or if it was just in the room. He didn’t look drunk, but Nash was also fully capable of holding his alcohol longer than most after seeing him drink a few times. Who knew how many beers he already had.

“Hey, interesting place.”

I kept my voice light.

“I know, it looks like a dump, but it’s pretty great. The food’s amazing and there is a fully stocked bar.”

And of course, that’s the highlight of the evening.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

I side stepped just in time as a fight broke out and someone went flying onto a table three feet away. The table broke and there was blood but everyone began clapping. Clearly they were too drunk to figure out what was going on, let alone care about it.

“So, when do you go on?”

“In a couple of minutes. I’m really glad you came. It means a lot to me.”

He kissed me on the lips and wrapped his arm around my waist. Any negative thoughts began to drift away as I stood there in Nash’s embrace.

“Do you want me to get you a drink?” he offered. “I hear that the margaritas are great.”

“Sure, but get me whatever you’re having.”

“Are you sure? The last time you drank you kind of ended up wasted.”

“I’m sure Nash.”

“Okay then.”

He disappeared into the crowd. People around me were locking lips in every corner.

A few minutes later Nash made his way back to me.

“Here you are,” Nash said as he returned with drinks.

Snapping my head back, I took the drink from Nash and downed half of it at the start.

“Thanks,” I said when I finally came up for air.

“You’re welcome… Someone was fucking thirsty,” Nash said, shaking his head with a bewildered smile on his face.

“Damn right!”

“I’ll be back soon,” he promised. “If you want another drink just drop my name. I started a tab.”

I nodded and watched him get sucked up by the crowd yet again until he appeared on the stage, a guitar around his neck. He adjusted the microphone and then searched the place. Was he looking for me or someone else? Who else would he be looking for? I thought he wanted to show me off. Why would he say that if he was planning on finding someone else while he was here?

Maybe I was being paranoid.

The alcohol was getting to my head but I didn’t stop drinking. I did, however, slow down, nursing it.

“Hey there everyone!” Nash shouted into the microphone. “Are you having a good night?”

He was answered by drunken cheers from the audience.

“All right, well I’m Nash and this is The Renegation! Are you ready to hear some great music?!”

More cheers came from the audience and I found myself clapping along.

“Lily, this one is for you.”

My eyes widened as someone shone a spotlight on me and heads turned, staring at me. I gave Nash an embarrassed wave as he strummed his guitar.

Leaning up against a pole, I listened as Nash dove into a rendition of Brown Eyed Girl. His eyes didn’t leave me through the whole song and I felt a lump in my throat. This was why he wanted me there. I swiped at the tears that trickled down my cheeks. The song ended and Nash continued, starting his own songs. I took the chance I had and, after finishing my drink, slipped through the door to the cold night. Bundling my jacket close to me, I sat on the stone steps and stared at the starlit sky.

How did I get so lucky?

There I was, the good girl, getting the bad boy’s heart. How did something like that even happen? It was like I took a page out of some young adult novel. I was almost waiting to wake up and realize that this was all just a dream. A girl like me didn’t get a guy like him…

Ever.

So how did it happen?

“Excuse me.”

I looked up to see a red headed woman standing in front of me. She wore a long green pea coat and had a beret on her head, also green. She wore knee high boots and I could see the faint line of a pencil skirt under her jacket.

“I don’t mean to bother you but I was wondering if The Renegation is playing tonight?”

“Yeah, they are. They’re actually in the middle of a song right now. They just started.”

“Thanks,” she said.

I scooted over to let the girl through and felt a gust of heat hit my back as she went inside.

Well she wasn’t the person I would imagine going to see Nash’s band.

Then I laughed.

I wasn’t the type of person to listen to Nash’s band either and yet there I was.

Following the girl’s lead, I stood up on unsteady feet, and wobbled my way back inside. I stayed in the back and out of the way, not wanting to bring any more attention to myself. Grabbing another drink, I settled down and listened to my boyfriend’s band play their hearts out.

Another hour later, the music finally stopped and the band stepped off the stage. The set was over and they were congregating around the bar, passing out congratulatory drinks. The red head was also at the bar and she was nursing some pink drink, talking to Nash.

Furrowing my brow, I tried to think whether or not Nash mentioned he had a friend coming. She looked familiar but I couldn’t place her. Had I met her before? Did she go to school with me? Nash looked up and caught my eye. He smiled, said something to the redhead, and weaved his way over to me.

“Hey there sexy, what did you think?”

“You were amazing,..”

“Thanks.”

“Thanks for the dedication,” I added shyly.

I wanted to tell him that I loved him again but I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t need a repeat of the other day.

“No problem…”

“Who’s that?” I asked, motioning my head in the direction of the redhead.

I couldn’t help but ask.

“A fan,” he said, but something told me that there was more to the story than he was leading on.

“Have I met her before? She looks familiar.”

“I don’t think so.”

He dropped his eyes and started to play with his cup. Something was definitely going on.

“Does she go to our school? Maybe I have a class with her.”

“She’s just a fan Lily,” Nash said with a laugh.

“But I think I recognize her.”

“Maybe she just has one of those faces, you know? The type of face that you swear you know even though you don’t.”

“I guess,” I said, even though I wasn’t convinced.

Maybe I didn’t know her but Nash did and he wasn’t telling me how. I resisted the urge to press him about the situation. I didn’t want to start a fight on such a great night so I kept my mouth shut and smiled.

“How about we get out of here?”

“That’s the greatest plan you had yet,” I told him winking. “Back to your place?”

“Perfect.”

* * *

“Hey!” Nash cried as I rolled over, taking the blankets with me. “I’m cold over here too, you know.”

“Shut up,” I mumbled. “I need to sleep. Sleep is good.”

I snuggled deeper in the pillows. There was a rustling of sheets, a cold breeze, and then I felt Nash’s hard, warm body next to me. He draped an arm over my waist, his hand cupping my breast lazily.

“You smell so good,” he murmured in my hair.

“I’ve been sleeping, how can I smell good?” I asked as I slit my eyes open.

“Because you do,” he said. “You always smell good, Lily.”

Nash kissed my shoulder and I smiled. Through the slits of my eyes I could see the sun rising, coloring the sky in reds and pinks.

“I love you.”

My eyes whipped open.

“What?” I asked.

“I love you,” he said again, moving his hand down to my hip.

My heart drummed against my ribs and I was sure that Nash could feel it. I was speechless. I lied there shocked for a while but finally found the courage to speak.

“Nash?”

It was too late. Instead of an answer, I heard the sound of Nash’s soft snoring; he fell back asleep.

I love you.

He said the three words that I was desperate to hear. But did he mean it? Maybe in his drowsy state Nash said it. Who knew what would happen when he woke up.

He was probably still drunk.

I could only hope not.

* * *

I hunched over a table at the school’s library, reading over my history paper and making corrections as I went. My head pounded and my stomach turned from being hung over.

And that is why I don’t drink. It never turned out good for me.

“Hey, Lily.”

I turned and Turner stood in front of me.

“What do you want?”

I hadn’t heard from him since he got upset in the common area. I curled my hands into fists, digging my nails in to the palms.

“I came to apologize.”

“Apologize? Do you really think that some apology is going to make up for what you said?”

“Lily-”

“There are no words in this world that can make up for that. I thought of you as a friend, Turner, a true friend.”

“I didn’t mean to say those things. I wasn’t thinking.”

“No shit you weren’t thinking. If you were thinking then maybe you wouldn’t have said it,” I hissed.

“What can I do to make this better?”

I put my hand to my chin and tilted my head as if I was pondering something.

“I don't know Turner. Is there something else you need?”

“Yeah, I came here to tell you something.”

“What?”

“Nash is seeing my sister.”

I stopped short, narrowing my eyes and staring at Turner.

“Excuse me?”

“Nash, he’s seeing my sister,” Turner repeated. “She told me the other day. He called her and they’ve been talking. She came down to see him.”

Nash and Turner’s sister? Again? No, there’s no way. There’s no way that’s possible. He was lying.

“You’re a liar,” I whispered. “You would say anything and everything to break Nash and me up. You’re jealous.”

“I am jealous,” Turner admitted. “But I’m not lying. I saw them together yesterday during the day. They were at the park. Why would I lie to you?”

At the park yesterday? That wasn’t possible, I was with Nash yesterday. Well most of yesterday. There were a few hours that I wasn’t with him. But it’s not possible. He wouldn’t do that to me. If she was here Nash would tell me.

“Sorry, I don’t believe you.”

I stood up, nearly toppling the library chair over, and grabbed my stuff.

“Stay away from me, Turner. Stay the hell away from me. Got it?”

I didn’t wait for him to answer. Instead, with my arms full of books, I stomped towards the library doors.

“I’m telling you the truth, Lily,” Turner yelled after me. “Ask Nash! Ask him about my sister being here! She even told me that she was going to see him last night!”

Last night. I felt like I was punched in the gut. The red head? No, no that’s not her. Turner wasn’t a red head and I saw pictures of his sister. She had darker hair than he did. No, it wasn’t her. I was positive.

My emotions were running on high gear and all I wanted to do was throw things. Somewhere in my bag my cell phone was ringing but I didn’t bother to answer it. I knew that it was probably Nash but I didn’t want to talk to him. I wouldn’t know what to say and the sound of my voice would likely tell him something was wrong.

The last thing I wanted to do was mention my encounter with Turner. In reality, though, I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind at all. Anyone who talked to me would see that and I didn’t want to answer any of the typical questions. I wanted to be left alone. Period.

Turner is a liar.

I kept repeating it.

His sister isn’t here and she definitely didn’t see Nash. Nash was with you all night. If Turner’s sister really was there last night he would have introduced you to her. He’s not ashamed of you, you know that.

Turner’s lying.

I couldn’t convince myself.

My stomach was still in knots when I went back to my dorm room and hopped into the shower. Nash would be gone for a few days with his band and it was probably a good thing. I needed to get my thoughts in order.

Chapter Nineteen

Nash returned from his gigs and I still hadn't made a decision whether or not to confront him about seeing Turner's sister. I didn't want him to think that I believed everything Turner told me. However, it was tearing me apart thinking about it and the only way to get rid of the feeling was to know for sure that he wasn't seeing her.

* * *

Nash and I sat together a lot quieter than two people that are dating should. I just couldn't get the thought of Turner's sister and Nash out of my mind.

“You’re a little quiet tonight,” Nash said as he rubbed his hand up and down my back. “Is something wrong?”

“No,” I lied. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m just a little tired.”

Tired was an understatement. I wasn’t sleeping at all; instead I was lying up night after night. Every time I tried to sleep and close my eyes all I could picture was Nash and Turner’s sister together. I kept imagining them wrapped around each other, Nash caressing her body as she kissed his mouth. If I did manage to sleep I would wake up in a cold sweat.

“You’re not sleeping?” he asked.

He looked concerned which made me feel worse than I already did. I kept picturing the red headed girl talking to Nash at the bar; the ‘fan’ he claimed. I was becoming paranoid. I was creating stories in my head instead of talking to Nash.

I needed to ask him, flat out, whom she was. Ask him if Turner’s sister is really here or if Turner was just trying to ruin what we had.

“Not very good. I have a lot on my mind… Can I ask you something though?”

I looked up at Nash and nearly melted at the concerned look in his eyes. His mouth was puckered in to a frown. He curled a piece of my hair around his finger slowly.

“What’s up? You can ask me anything you want.”

“The redheaded girl at the club the other night,” I said slowly. “Do you know her?”

A look passed across Nash’s face but it quickly disappeared and he smiled.

“She’s just a fan, Lily.”

“But you seemed like you knew her. Like she was more than just a fan.”

Nash shook his head, the amused grin still on his face.

“She’s a fan, only a fan,” he repeated. “She has come to my shows before I ever met you. I think that she’s been coming to the shows since the band started.”

I knew his words were supposed to comfort me but it made me feel worse.

“Can I ask you something else?” I ventured. “Of course…”

“I heard that Turner’s sister was back in town.”

Another look passed across Nash’s face but it was only a second

“Where did you hear that?”

Now it was the moment of truth. Should I tell Nash about Turner or keep my mouth shut? I didn’t want to cause a bigger fight between the two but if I didn’t tell Nash and he found out he would be mad at me.

“I saw Turner at the library the other day,” I admitted. “I didn’t plan to see him there, believe me. But I was about to leave and there he was. He told me that his sister was in town and she was looking for you. He made it seem like it was something you already knew about and weren’t telling me.”

I lowered my head and waited for Nash to flip out.

“He’s lying,” Nash said, surprisingly calm. “He’s trying to get to you. He despises the fact that you chose me and didn’t choose him. He would do anything, and I mean anything to break us up. If his sister was here I would tell you. I have nothing to hide from you.”

“Really?” I asked doubtfully.

I figured that if Turner’s sister was here and Nash knew about it he would do whatever it took to keep me from knowing about it. Especially, since I knew the background of the two of them.

Why’d I even ask?

“Of course. Why would I risk everything to keep a stupid secret? I’d rather be up front with you.”

That calmed me down enough. I thought about the ‘I love you’ Nash murmured in his sleep and wondered, for a second, that he knew that he said the words but didn’t want to admit it. He could have been scared, nervous, or something else. I love you was a big step and Nash may not have been ready to take that step.

“I’m sorry,” I told him.

It felt like all I was doing lately was apologizing.

“I’ve just been a little… Crazy. I really like you and… Well I feel like everywhere I turn there’s something or someone who is trying to get in the middle of everything. It’s… Exhausting. I didn’t think that it would be this hard.”

“It won’t be this hard forever. Do you want me to talk to Turner?”

Nash put his hands up.

“I promise that it will be only a talk. I’ll see what’s really going on with him and try to figure out how we can make it better.”

I shrugged.

Confusion swept over me. Nash and Turner were enemies, that was something I knew. After Turner’s blow up in the cafeteria, the gap widened between them. Nash didn’t care what was going on with Turner. So why was he offering to help? Why was Nash so willing to talk to him, try to reason with him?

“You don’t need to talk to him,” I told him. “There’s no point and I honestly don’t think it’s going to change anything.”

I sighed.

“Alright, now if you’re done with your line of questioning, I have a question for you.”

A question? For me? My heart dropped to my stomach. What type of question could Nash have?”

“Shoot,” I said, trying to stay calm.

Why do I always go to some horrible place? It’s a simple question. It can be any question… So why panic?

“I was wondering…” Nash said.

“Wondering what?”

“What do I have to do to convince you to come to dinner with my family tomorrow night?”

There was a knot in my stomach. Dinner? With his family?

“Why?” I blurted out and Nash laughed.

“Because you’re my girlfriend. I talk so much about you that they want to meet you.”

“Who’s going to be there?”

“My father and probably my sister. They really want to meet you and get to know you. To be honest, I think they’re starting to wonder if you’re real or if I’m making you up. They are convinced that you’re a figment of my imagination.”

“Your family,” I repeated. “You want me to sit down with your family?”

“And eat,” he added. “Eating would be a big help. But it’s not going to be this whole big thing… It’s going to be a barbeque, in the backyard. What do you think about it?”

“I think that it’s nerve wracking. I’ve never met any boy’s family. I wouldn’t know what to do or how to act. I… I don’t want to embarrass you.”

“You’re not going to embarrass me. Please? This is really important to me. My family is so curious about you.”

“Okay,” I said finally, knowing that was the only answer I really could give.

I might not have met a boyfriend’s family yet but I’ve seen the movies. The dinner with the parents was almost as important as actually going out with the person. If the family didn’t like you well then you might as well kiss the relationship goodbye. But what else could I do? If I said no, Nash would be crushed. I didn’t want to do that to him; it wasn’t fair.

“I promise you won’t regret this. And I promise that I’ll meet your family too.”

“No!” I cried. “I mean, no. No, you don’t have to meet my family. At all.”

Nash cocked his head to the side but didn’t say anything. I smiled weakly. I hadn’t told my family about Nash at all and I was trying to keep it a secret for as long as I could. It would be bad enough to admit that I had a boyfriend, there was no way I would be able to tell them that Nash was a musician. In my parent’s eyes, a musician did nothing but smoke weed and drink all day while fucking all night. Musicians didn’t have girlfriends, according to them. Instead musicians had groupies that they fucked whenever they wanted to with no conscious. They had personal whores who were around only to make the musician happy. No, telling my parents about Nash’s career path would be the spark that ignited the bomb.

“Why not?”

“My parents… Well they’re old school. And I kind of promised them that I wouldn’t have a boyfriend during school. They don’t think that I can juggle a boyfriend and schoolwork. To them, school was the most important thing; nothing else stands up to it. If they found out about you… Well they might take me out of this school and enroll me in an all-girl school.”

“They wouldn’t.” Nash said, aghast.

“They already did with my sister. She got caught going away for the weekend with a boy she was seeing. By the end of that month she was out of the school she enrolled in and in a catholic college. Trust me, when my parents want something one way, they get what they want. None of us want to cross my parents or make them angry.”

“Wow, it sounds like your parents are tyrants.”

“Not tyrants. They just want the best for their children. Unfortunately they think that they’re the only ones who know what’s right for us. Trust me, it’s frustrating and sometimes ridiculous. But how can you get mad at them for caring?”

“I guess.”

“Doesn’t your dad worry about you?”

“If by worry you mean criticize then, yes, he worries about me all the time. Every single time I see him he’s worrying about me.”

I frowned at the bitterness in Nash’s voice. If his relationship was so bad with his dad, why were we going to see him for dinner? The answer was obvious. TO this day, Nash still wanted to make his dad proud. He wanted him to see how great he was doing making his own decisions. He, like everyone else, wanted his dad to be proud of him.

“So,” I said, trying to lighten the mood. “Should I wear a dress or pants tomorrow?”

“Pants,” he said with a smile. “They make your ass look better. And a sweater. It will make you look sweet and innocent.”

I grinned.

* * *

I ran up the three flights of stairs and down the hall, skidding to a stop in front of my dorm room. My hands shook as I grabbed the key and inserted it into the door.

“Sabrina you’re never going to believe what happened,” I said as I swung the door open.

I looked up and my bags fell to the floor with a thud.

“Mom? Dad?”

In front of me stood my parents, side my side, identical grins on their faces. My mother wore a fitted dress, ending at the calf, with matching peep-toe pumps and her hair was blown out behind her. My father wore khakis with a button down shirt and a cigar tucked in his pocket. His salt and pepper hair was slicked back, ending right above his collar. My mother stepped forward, her arms outstretched, waiting to embrace me. I stepped forward and let her arms curl around me in a loose, dainty hug.

“W-What are you doing here?”

Blood rushed through my ears as I ran my hand through my disheveled hair. It was nine in the morning and I crossed my fingers praying that my parents wouldn’t ask where I was or why I looked the way I did.

“We were waiting for you to come back,” my mother said. “Your lovely roommate told us that you went out for a run.”

Behind them, Sabrina winked at me.

“We wanted to see you, dear,” my father said. “We missed you and wanted to make sure that you were okay.”

“I’m fine, see?” I said and did a little dance in a circle. “Nothing to worry about.”

If my parents noticed how desperate I was to get them to leave, they didn’t show it. My father took a seat on my desk chair while my mother chose my bed. They both stared at me, waiting for me to say something. But what? What could I tell my parents? There was no way that I could tell them what was really going on at school. I couldn’t mention Nash, or the music, and I definitely couldn’t mention the drinking.

“How long are you here for?”

“Just tonight,” my mother said. “We were in the area and wanted to check up on our baby girl.”

Just in the area? Yeah right. But I sighed with relief. At least I would only have to cover my tracks for a little while.

“So tell us all about school.”

Sabrina stood up and slipped around my parents.

“Well, I’ll let you guys catch up,” she said. “I’m going to go get myself some food and then maybe see what Elizabeth is up to. Catch you later, Lily?”

“Definitely,” I said. “Thanks,” I added softly as she passed.

She winked and then let herself out of the dorm room, leaving me alone with my parents.

“Do you guys want to go out to lunch?” I suggested. “There’s a nice little bistro right on the corner.”

“That sounds like a wonderful plan,” my mother said and my father nodded. “Our treat. You work hard, after all, and you deserve a break.”

* * *

I nodded, gritting my teeth, as I picked up my bags and led my parents down and out into the street. This was not going to end well.

Ten minutes later the three of us were sitting at a table, under an umbrella, waiting for the food to be served. My mother drank a Malibu Bay Breeze, my father had a beer, and I nursed a Shirley Temple.

“So tell us about school, pumpkin,” my father said and put his elbow on the table. “I heard from your professors; they all said you are doing very well. I hear that you’re going to be on the Dean’s list.”

“All in your first semester too!” my mother cooed.

I stared at them dumbfounded.

“How do you know?” I asked.

“Your father’s friends with some of the professors and they did some looking into it for him.”

I balled my hands into fists under the table. My parents were checking up on me? They called my school to find out my grades? I felt… Violated. I thought going away to school was to get out of the scrutiny of my parents.

I should have known that they would do something like this. They never were going to think I was old enough to make my own decisions or let me do what I want without checking up on me.

“I’m glad to find out,” I said, trying to keep myself calm. “But I don’t like that you guys are calling my professors to check up on me.”

“We aren’t checking up on you, pumpkin,” my father said. “We just want to make sure that everything is going as planned. We want to make sure that you’re not drifting off the path.”

“The path?” I hissed. “You mean the plan that you created for me? The one that you want to see me accomplish? You mean the plan that I had no say in?”

“Don’t start, Lily,” my mother said as she sighed. “Your father and I are just looking out for you.”

“Yeah,” my father agreed. “We want the best for you, you know that.”

The problem was that I did know that. I knew that, deep down, my parents cared about me. They wanted to see me succeed and make something of myself. But they wanted me to make something of myself in a way that they agreed on. If it wasn’t something that they themselves didn’t think of then they didn’t tend to back the decision. It was vicious circle.

“I know,” I said.

There was no use fighting with them.

“I’m sorry. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately and I guess I’m just a bit tired.”

“It’s okay,” my father said as he patted my hand.

The waitress returned with our food, handing it out, and then disappeared. My mother picked at her food, stabbing her fork into the chicken only to move it to the other side of the plate. My father, on the other hand, gobbled his food up as if he hadn’t eaten in days. He barely looked up from his plate as he shoveled bite after bite down his throat.

“So tell us about the rest of college, dear,” my mother said. “There are no boys around, right? You aren’t running around at all hours of the night, are you?”

I bit my tongue and discreetly looked at my watch.

Only six hours and twenty-five minutes until they leave.

I only had to survive a little longer and then they would be gone.

* * *

I had finally made it through the next six and a half hours with my parents and was happy to lie down on my bed and relax. Sabrina and Elizabeth had gone to the mall so I was all alone and felt great to have peace and quiet. Before I knew it I had fallen asleep.

I probably could have slept all afternoon and night. A knock came from my door. I opened my eyes and rubbed them, trying to come back to reality. I laid there for a few seconds but someone continued to knock so I got out of bed and opened the door.

Standing in front of me was Turner and the red haired girl from the bar that was talking to Nash. I stood there speechless, not able to say anything. I knew Nash had lied to me the instant that I saw Turner with this girl. I could not believe it

“Hey Lily, this is my sister.”

Nash lied to me.

Content

A REAL DISASTER
By Molly Ryan

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen