Anonymous

Confessions of an Author

AUTHOR'S PREFACE

I gave you these pages, my dear friend, on the same day that my doctor had given me the impression I could expect the end. And as the last favor to a friend I had asked you to publish the pages I had given you. That I ultimately did not die is neither your nor my doctor's fault. But meanwhile you have read my honest and forthright confessions and are of the opinion that they should not be withheld from the rest of the world. As a matter of fact, you consider these confessions educational. Of course, I have to smile about that. I have no desire to educate. Not anybody. To educate means to spoil. But I have an idea: to publish these confessions is bound to give a certain beautiful woman a marvelous case of jaundice.

So, please, do publish my diary. Just change the names and leave out something here and there, wherever you think that I might be too easily recognized. The beautiful woman, that harridan, will recognize me well enough … and that suits me just fine.

Chapter One. MY EARLY YEARS

My sexual desires were awakened at a rather early age and I can remember all the circumstances that contributed to this early awakening quite clearly. I had a mother who was very beautiful and a real woman. Whenever she took me upon her lap, I pressed myself close against her and loved to push my face against her full and resilient breasts. I often tried to unbutton her blouse, because I wanted to put my face against her bare skin; but, to be perfectly frank, the moment Mama realized my intentions, she slapped my hands. It made me more aware… I started to think. Now, why shouldn't I press my face against Mama's beautiful, rosy, bare skin?

I was five years old when Mama took me with her to the city's bathing establishment. I was not the only boy in the ladies' department. It gave me immense pleasure to watch all these women in their many-colored bathing suits and to see those naked calves. There was one in particular that I could not keep my eyes off. She was wearing a tight-fitting knit suit and had already been in the water. The tricot fitted her like her own skin. The little buds on her breasts stuck out quite visibly and her thighs were marvelously white and full. A few of the ladies noticed my obvious delight and I heard Miss Rita Hellmer — who was destined to play an important role in my later years — remark to one of the other girls, “That little boy starts early!” Though I did not understand her remark, it made me think, and now I felt duty-bound to really stare at that beautiful woman in her tricot.

Mama had left me in the care of one of the female attendants and a few of the boys who could already swim. But suddenly she took me along with her and sat down with me on the steps which led to the swimming pool. Oh, how I pressed myself against her! Now I really felt her skin and saw the beautiful bosom which stood out firmly in the red bathing suit. At that time a strange, up till then unknown, feeling shivered through me and I had to hold myself tightly against Mama, since, otherwise, I would have slid into the water. I was overcome with a sudden vertigo. Mama noticed that I did not feel too well and brought me over to a bench which was standing next to the cabin in the shadow. She sat down next to me and I leaned my face against the wet red suit, precisely where it stretched tightly across her bosom. I sat there very quietly and I was very happy. As soon as Mama noticed that I had quieted down, she wanted to stand up. However, I held her tightly and she had to virtually beg me to let go of her so that she could take one more swim in the pool. I let go of her but my eyes followed her greedily and when she went out of sight I cried quietly. Finally she returned. She walked quickly into her cabin to dress so that she could take care of me as fast as possible. I sat there for awhile but she took too long, so I got up and hurriedly slipped into the unlocked cabin. There I saw Mama, standing before me in full and gorgeous nudity.

I heard her cry out in surprise. I saw how she grabbed for the first piece of clothing and held it in front of her and I was terribly disappointed that now I could only see her nude arms and the little blonde hairs in her armpits. That was the day my sexual feelings were awakened and from then on I have had a continual desire for the sight of an unclad female. And at the same time I also may have felt that first, delicious itching in the attribute of my manhood, that certain feeling of pleasure which points the direction of the hand. I cannot remember how often I sat in the corner of the sofa, or surrounded by the bushes in our garden, with my eyes closed, imagining all the women and girls I knew in the nude, embracing and kissing each other and they all had the beautiful body which I had seen. And my little hand would go in my pocket and my fingers would feel around till they found the nudity of my prick and finally a sweet, weakening feeling would run through my body. During one of these fantasies, it suddenly occurred to me that I had not noticed that little thing on Mama's gorgeous body. It seemed to me the most important because it was that organ which caused me to have all these sweet pleasures. No, you could not see it on Mama. She had darling blonde hairs at that spot. But possibly I could have been mistaken. If I just could see her once more that way! I desired that so much that I asked her if we could go once more to the bathing establishment together. I noticed that Mama exchanged glances with my father. And my father said thereupon, “The next time I will take you with me.” But they did not please me with that answer in the least.

At that time I also had a nanny, a young girl who could laugh beautifully. She may have been seventeen or eighteen. She would romp around with me and she kissed me often. Every time we embraced I would hold onto her breasts with my little hands, though those breasts were not as full and firm as those of my Mama. But since she never punished me and also never complained about my little liberties to Mama, I loved her very much and trusted her more and more, far more than I ever did anybody else. I quite frequently lifted her skirts up to her knees whenever she sat down, though I did not get much higher. And I would have loved to find out if she had a similar sweet little thing. And even when I lay down upon the rug and tried my very best to look under her skirts when we were wrestling and playing, I never succeeded in noticing anything else but her white underwear.

Normally, Mama would bring me to bed, except when she had to go out with my father, which, as far as I can remember back to those days, was something that did not happen too frequently. But if and when, my nanny would take over that task. I will never forget the evening when that lusty young girl, Miss Rosa, my last nanny, had to put me to bed for the first time. My parents had left early that afternoon and they were going to stay away for the night. I was alone in the house with my nanny, because she had given the cook permission to go out and Mama had taken her chambermaid with her. My nanny was very nice to me and she also allowed me to sit on her lap while she caressed me. Suddenly she said to me, “Laddy, do you love me very much? Will you promise not to tell your Mama when somebody visits me?” I was very curious and swore solemnly to say nothing to Mama. Soon thereafter a young man showed up who brought chocolates for me and kisses for Rosa. Thereupon I was told to play with my fortress and set up all my tin soldiers exactly the way Miss Rosa had shown me, very carefully and taking my time. She just wanted to go with her “brother” into the other room for awhile and show him something.

At first I wanted to come along, but since she assured me that she would be right back, I let myself be talked into playing with my fortress and soldiers. I set up the strongholds and placed all my soldiers in a row … I had over one hundred and they were all carefully placed in rank and file but Rosa still had not returned to view the results of my labor. So I went to the door and knocked. “Just a moment, laddy, just a moment,” said the voice of my nanny, and she sounded as if she had just been running up and down the stairs. I stood on the tip of my toes and managed to open the door. Rosa and her “brother” were playing around on the rug, they were wrestling, she was underneath and he was on top. Their eyes sparkled and their faces were flushed. I started to laugh and let myself roll down upon the carpet, too. However, both of them had jumped up quickly and gone into my playroom. I thought that they were going to play tag so I got up and rushed after them. But now I saw that my nanny's blouse was open and that her “brother” was buttoning his trousers. And I also noticed immediately that both were very embarrassed.

Nanny quickly fastened her blouse, walked over to me, kissed me and said that she would cry and leave me if I ever told anything to my Mama. And when Rosa, long after her “brother” had gone, put me to bed, she made me promise once more to keep silent and then she promised me that she would do anything I wanted. I looked at her for a while and then said, “I will tell Mama nothing, but then you must take off all your clothes, right now!”

At first she cried out, “But laddy,” and then she started to laugh and promised to take me into her bed. “But the lights have to be burning,” I stated my desire plainly. Rosa went into the kitchen and when she returned, she locked the door. “That is because of the cook, you know, so she cannot come in,” she said. “She, too, is not supposed to find out anything.”

Rosa undressed me and put me in her bed, which stood opposite mine. “You're sure you won't tell anything to your Mama?” she wanted to know again. And then she undressed herself. I followed every single one of her movements with eagle's eyes and waited for the miracle. The first thing I said when she stood in front of me naked was, “Is that all you have up front? Just hair?” She laughed loud and clear, bent down over me and kissed me upon my eyes, mouth and body and then upon my little member which suddenly stretched itself and stood up. She kissed it with moist lips and took the entire thing in her mouth. She shivered, pressed her breasts against my face and had me kiss her little rosy buds. Thereupon she stretched out next to me, took my hand in hers and made me touch her pubic hairs and then deeper. She smiled prettily and called out, “Oh, you sweet, sweet, laddy!” I found everything incredibly beautiful and interesting and absolutely refused to move away from her. She had to use force to get me into my own bed.

That was the night in which I learned about the difference between the sexes.

In the fall of that same year I had reached the age where I had to go to school, but the doctor decided that I was not strong enough and among other things he ordered that I would have to start sleeping alone at nights. Rosa was told to leave the house because I had to be weaned away from female company. I cried and did not want to let her go and I almost betrayed the poor thing. A very serious-looking private tutor came to live with us. He was a very good-looking black-haired gentleman with sinister dark eyes. Every time he looked at Mama, those eyes would light up and he would forget me and my lessons.

Once, Mama walked into the room during one of my instruction hours and she leaned against the table when she pressed a kiss upon my forehead. While she did that, I noticed her squeezing the hand of my tutor and I saw him brush his lips against Mama's dress at the spot where it covered her breasts. I experienced the most unbearable jealousy. Right after my lessons I ran to Mama, hung on to her, kissed her hands, her dress and behaved like a little maniac. She had my teacher called in to talk something over with him and I was sent out into the garden. I can only guess what they talked about together, surely it must have been about me. And from the few words I was able to catch, I could gather that Mama had also talked about me to my father. I believe they had made up their minds that I was to be placed in an all-male environment.

But Mama succeeded with her wish to keep me with her till the next vacation. She had a slight tendency to put on weight and she was going to take the cure at Marienbad. I was going to be taken along and, because of me, it was obvious that the tutor with the glowing eyes had to go also. Papa, who was always very busy, could not take his vacation till much later that summer and he wanted to go to the Mediterranean. I was used to the fact that my parents came easily to an agreement with each other. In fact, I cannot remember that they ever had an argument. Father treated his beautiful wife, who was his mental superior, with the utmost charm. Whenever he came home, or left again, he kissed her hand. But I never saw those two people affectionate with each other. Later, much later, I knew that there was something out of order between them. I assume that my father, because of an operation, had become unfit for the marital bed and only afterward did I remember that he, long before I had my first tutor, had been sickly and confined for quite some time in a sanitarium. So I have the right to assume that my father must have been a remarkable man, a true hero, who did not allow the woman on his side to suffer because of ill luck that had befallen him and who moreover allowed her to lead a life befitting a woman of her marvelous beauty. Anybody else in his place would have been incapable of such greatness, at the most he would have been able to give the woman her freedom. Surely my father had offered this freedom to Mama and equally as surely she had given up all her claims to it. They lived together as two very good friends. Surely the essential conditions of a mere friendship between husband and wife are the incapacity of the man and lack of moral principles in both parties.

But at that time in Marienbad, I, the seven-year-old, had a marvelous vacation. Possibly because I was on my own most of the time. I was extraordinarily developed for my age and despite my secret sexual life I looked hale and hearty. I was especially pleased with the half-grown-up girls, the ones who were about to bloom out into full womanhood. They tried everything to gain my friendship and I was almost always surrounded with a pack of these young things whenever Mama and my tutor went to the springs or afterwards on one of their long walks. I did not come along with them after Mama had decided that these long hikes tired me out and that the springs made me lose my appetite.

Among the young girls was one in particular whom I can still remember exactly. Her name was Grete Holm and, as I heard later, she took the veil and became a nun after she had secretly given birth to a child. But at the time she must have been barely thirteen years old. She was no beauty, but she was very fleshy and she had a remarkably well-developed bosom for her age. She titillated my senses to the utmost with her low-cut sailor's dress which gave an excellent view of her bare upper chest. And she seemed to notice my interest. And whenever she managed to be alone with me she showed considerable interest in the center of my kneepants. Whenever something caused me to bulge there, she pressed her thighs close together, stared out into nothingness and her breathing would become short and shallow.

One day, right after breakfast, which the hotel's chambermaid had served me, and while Mama and the tutor had gone first to the springs and then on one of their long hikes to have breakfast somewhere far away, Grete walked into my room. Without any further ado she sat down at the table with me and while I was stirring my chocolate milk, in the meantime staring at her especially low-cut dress for that occasion, she was putting honey on my breakfast roll. Then she put a piece of it into my mouth and laughed. Suddenly she unbuttoned her blouse and I could see that she was nude all the way down to the waistband of her skirt. She did not wear a chemise! She took the spoon out of the honeypot and rubbed it across the nipples of her breasts that were standing out nice and red on her well-rounded bosom. She then walked up close to me, almost pushed one breast up to my lips and said, “Lick off the honey from this one!” I opened my mouth greedily and sucked. And then the other one. But it did not seem enough for her. I was supposed to take those nipples between my teeth, only not too firmly. Even today I still don't understand why I did not bite them off. She walked over to the door and bolted it securely. Then she returned to me and lifted her little skirt so high that I could see her full thighs and her belly. Grete really did not wear a chemise.

“Isn't that beautiful?” she asked. And she did not let go of me. I had to show her what I had. She became ecstatic and kept calling out, “Gee, how beautiful!” She wanted me to take off my clothes. She insisted, begged. But I did not do it. We sat next to each other upon the couch for quite some time, she with her skirt lifted high, and I with an open fly, and our hands were not idle. On top of that I had to lick and suck continually on her breasts. It was wild. We possibly could have kept this up for a long time but because of her ardent laboring my member started to burn and sting so terribly that I jumped up groaning. She lost all color and became very flustered and begged me to say nothing to my Mama. Well, I did not say a thing even though I was still hurting that night and despite the fact that I was terribly afraid. When I met Grete the next morning near the bandstand she told me that she had been too excited to sleep at all. If my Mama really did not know anything and if I was still hurting, she wanted to know. It was remarkable how easy it was to put her at ease! Finally she said with an air of superiority, “Ah, you are still too young and too stupid!” And ever since she did not even as much as look at me, no matter how much I tried to attract her attention.

A few days later I saw her in the company of a gentleman who was very big and who had very thick and heavy lips. She stared at him without interruption and he kept smiling at her. I did not feel well at all. Frankly, I believe that I must have been insanely jealous, because I was convinced that that gentleman had seen her exactly the same way I had. How much honey must she have been pasting on her chest to accommodate those big lips! I tried to imagine him licking and smacking. I became unbearably excited. I ran up and down the promenade which led to the springs, avidly looking at the girls and especially the women who showed their fullness through the thin summer dresses they were wearing.

At noontime Mama picked me up in the hotel's reading room, like she did every day, to go to lunch. She was terribly upset about the way I looked and the tutor had to feel my pulse. Thereupon they called the doctor and before afternoon I was in bed. Mama sat next to me, the tutor at her side. My dear God, those two people were so beautiful. Once in a while they whispered to each other, very softly so that I could not understand one word from the French they were speaking. I pretended to be asleep but I was constantly looking at them from between my half-closed eyelids. Mama seemed to be terribly concerned and she leaned over to look at me quite often. And then I saw her lean back and her hand would be in front of her beautiful blue eyes, those eyes which made her look like a Madonna. The tutor kneeled next to her and pressed his lips upon her white hand. I heard him say, “Please, don't cry, it will not be that bad.” She embraced him and pressed his face against her bosom.

When I woke up again I had compresses on my head and I was terribly thirsty. I heard Mama's voice and then I heard her sob loudly. I believe that someone led her out of the room. Only much later she told me that I had been very, very ill and that she was about to ask Papa to come and stay with us. But I had a strong constitution and I was well fed. That is why I made it. And on my eighth birthday, which was a special celebration, I was allowed to get up for the first time. But I was so weakened that, despite the fact that the doctor was holding me, I barely managed to walk through the room once.

It was well into fall before we left Marienbad. Mama was more beautiful than ever. She wore a white, very low-cut Foulard dress, richly adorned with lace up front and she smiled very often and had an extremely contented look. Throughout the railroad voyage the tutor was very concerned about her every move, but she laughed at him. And whenever she thought that nobody noticed it, she caressed his cheeks. We only stayed at home for two days and then the three of us traveled to Nice — Mama, the tutor and I. Father had taken us to the railroad station. He kissed Mama's hand and said, “Take good care of yourself.” He shook hands with the tutor without saying a word. But he swallowed as if something was stuck in his throat. In Nice I was under continual supervision. Mama did not leave me out of her sight and at night the tutor slept in my room which was connected by an unlocked door with Mama's room. I do believe that those two people were very happy, but I was bored to death, especially since they were so extremely careful. Quite frequently I lay awake for hours, listening behind the open door. I heard Mama talk to the tutor and I could hear quite clearly that they were talking about the most unimportant matters, about books and things that were of absolutely no interest to me. So finally I got into the habit of falling asleep as soon as I went to bed. Mama had become positively enchanting, though, despite her cure in Marienbad, it seemed to me that she had put on weight nevertheless. I remember that once she gave me a big kiss and said, “If you're a nice boy, maybe we will give you a little baby brother for Christmas.” When she said that, the tutor blushed a deep red and Mama looked up to him with an adoring look on her lovely face.

We returned home a few days before Christmas — Mama and me. The tutor drove up to the house with us, but he did not come in. I will never forget the long painful look he gave Mania when he took leave from us. Mama whispered to him, “Don't look so glum, when it is all over we will take another journey with the child. I will write you a letter.” I pretended not to listen, though not a single word had escaped me. Besides, I did not think it strange that those two were on such confidential terms with each other and I was overjoyed at the idea that the three of us would soon go on another voyage. After all, it was obvious that “the child” was me.

One can imagine my utter surprise when I was told, shortly after we had come home, that I was to go to a boarding school! Right after New Year's I really had to go. A strange gentleman had arrived, a teacher of the school where I had been enrolled. He stayed with us for a few days so that I could get acquainted with him, and then I had to leave. The farewell from my mother was very sad. Mama pressed me against her and cried, and I cried too, nuzzling her full bosom. I can remember that I wished nothing else but to tear Mama's nightgown and kiss her naked breasts. Finally Mama pushed me away from her with a certain insistence. Papa went with the boarding school teacher and me to the station. He kissed me and said nothing else but, “Have courage!”

I got into the coach.

* * *

I spent three years in that boarding school without ever seeing my parents, not even during the vacations. I know that my mother must have suffered greatly, because she loved me very much. But I also must respect my father's feelings and his reasons for keeping me away from home. Especially now, since I have grown into adulthood, I realize that he was not so devoid of male vanity as to have been without shame before his son.

Life in this educational institution gave a new twist to my sexuality. Physical education, which took an important part in our curriculum, gave me indeed more strength, but it did not tire me enough. It is possible that they should have given me more to do than those pupils whose resistance was not as great as mine. I derived my greatest pleasure from the large swimming pool of the school. When I found myself amidst all those nude boys for the first time (they were not even wearing swimming trunks), I was overcome by a strange feeling of shame. Almost automatically I kept my hands in front of my member, and, as I found out later, that was how the boys could notice the newcomers to their school.

After I had regained my composure a little bit, I looked at the bodies of my fellow pupils, first sneakily, then hesitantly and finally with bold daring. I did not like the skinny ones at all, but I liked the firm ones with light skin, especially those with a tight crotch and wide hips, the ones who looked like girls. And I also took a very good look at those private parts. I am sure that after the tenth time in the swimming pool I could have recognized every one of them by those parts, even if the rest of them had been hidden from sight. I also noticed something else, and that was that sometimes one of the boys, during the horseplay around the pool, especially in summer, would get a stiff member. Whenever the supervising teacher would notice such a thing, the boy in question received a cold spray from the garden hose, much to the delight of all the other boys who knew the meaning of this particular cure. We whispered about these things and the innocent ones who knew the effect but not the cause were quickly enlightened by the more experienced boys about the feelings that caused the hardening of the parts in question.

On my twelfth birthday, which was celebrated at school like everybody else's, I had an experience. Obviously I was used to receiving presents from home only. This time I received more than usual and among the presents was a picture of my three-year-old little brother whom I had never met. That made me feel quite sentimental and I cried a few hot tears. But somebody had noticed it, a blond beautiful boy whom I had always secretly liked very much but with whom I never had had any contact, possibly because he was a few years older than I was. He walked over to me and embraced me passionately. I should tell him about my troubles and he was going to be my best friend. He shoved a large piece of chocolate into my mouth and had me swear eternal friendship.

The whole thing was incredibly solemn. We were alone in the room, because all the other boys were already on their way to the gymnasium. I promised to be true to him forever and we kissed each other. And then we went after the others to the gym. It struck me as peculiar that, from then on, the boy avoided me as much as possible in the daytime. I asked him about it. “Is this your way of showing friendship?” I questioned. And he whispered harshly, “The others aren't supposed to know about it!” and he withdrew again from me. Whenever we were over at the swimming pool, I took great delight in watching his body. The firm calves and thighs, his full chest with pronounced nipples and private parts more beautiful than those of any of the other boys. He noticed that I was watching him and walked over to the dressing rooms. I waited a little while and then followed him. We were alone. The boy smiled at me, his lips slightly parted and showing his beautiful teeth. He stretched his arms over his head in one fantastic fluid movement. It is very possible that the memory of it makes the mental picture more beautiful than it really was, but I know for a fact that it made a tremendous impression upon me at the time.

“Quick, kiss me!” he called to me softly. In no time at all I was standing close to him, our nude bodies pressed together, our private parts touching. Suddenly he grabbed me firmly and started to wrestle. Soon he threw me and slapped me laughingly upon my behind. “You little devil,” he called out. “Did you think you could wrestle me?” I heard the laughter from two of his friends. He had just noticed them in time through the opened door, and, to fool them, he had started our mock wrestling battle. When we were back in the pool, he started to throw water at me, separating me from the others, and when we were alone he whispered quickly, “I hope I did not hurt you, baby.”

All day I walked around in a daze. As often as I could, at mealtime and during afternoon recreation, I tried to get close to him and touch him. I could feel how shivers would run through his body. When I became a little too bold, he told me to be more careful. Once two boys had been caught kissing each other and the most terrible things had happened. The boys had almost been thrown out of the institution, and now it was his task to watch over one of them. But actually, he protected both. Of course, I wanted to know their names, especially since I too wanted to be their friend. But he did not tell on them. “Not yet, I want to make sure first,” was all he said.

A few days after this great experience which, if it had continued, could have changed my entire life, my new friend came to see me and said, “This afternoon, right after the vespers, go to the old log cabin at the end of the park. You know where it is? Now, the entrance is nailed shut, but on the right side, just above the tile foundation, is one log that can be moved aside. It's easy to crawl through the opening. You will see what is going to happen. I cannot tell you anything now. But if you betray us, or if they catch you when you crawl through that opening, we will all be lost forever.”

I paid so little attention to the morning classes that the teacher cited me. My excitement grew to such a fever pitch that I was incapable of taking even one bite during lunch. Therefore I had to go to the school doctor and I was scared stiff that he would send me to bed. But, fortunately, everything seemed to simmer down.

At two o'clock I was called into the director's office. I started to tremble. Could he have found out anything about what I was about to do? But the director was very nice to me and even invited me to sit down next to him. Then he said, “You will have to take the next train and go home, my boy!” I was terribly scared, and my first thought was that my beautiful friend had squealed on me and that now several of the boys were going to be dismissed because they liked each other too much. The director ruffled my hair. “I don't think that; it will be too serious, my boy. Your father is ill and he would like to see you. Pack all your things together, because we don't know when you will be back.”

Then he appointed one of the teachers to accompany me. I listened and listened. Didn't the director say that Papa was ill? I tried my very best to visualize my father and I did not succeed. I could not remember at all how he looked and it frightened me enormously. And then I suddenly remembered that I was supposed to be in the log cabin right after the vespers. Wasn't it possible to take the night train? The director himself had told me that it was not that serious! I cannot remember how I arrived in my room, but suddenly I was there, stuffing my belongings from the drawers into my luggage. The teacher was standing right next to me, urging me to hurry. When we crossed the schoolyard, my beautiful friend stood in the window. I did not even have the time to say good-bye to my friends. It seemed as if the boy was crying while he waved to me. It became apparent to me that he knew the reason for my sudden departure.

That is why I never got to know the mystery of these boys. I suffered for a long time about that. My imagination supplied me with the most daring pictures, in both waking and sleeping hours. And even today I sometimes feel that I, who have experienced so much during a lifetime, have an emptiness somewhere, not in my intellectual life, but definitely in my emotional outlook, an emptiness which I cannot seem to fill. And it is most extraordinary that I have never met even one single boy with whom I used to go to that boarding school, not even my beautiful friend. Once, about fifteen years ago, during a long stopover in Berlin, I did try to look for him in “certain” circles in which I assumed he would now travel. He was from Berlin. But I had no success.

My father had died.

After the funeral, my former tutor came to visit us. He did not take much notice of me but went directly to see Mama and he talked at length to her in the red reception room where Mama also used to play the piano. I sat with my little brother, who had grown into a darling boy, and his nanny in the next room. Once in awhile the tutor's voice could be heard; he spoke very excitedly, but unfortunately I could not understand a word he said. He was incredibly serious when, after a long time, he finally left the room. Afterward I heard that my tutor had implored Mama to marry him. He was then barely twenty and Mama was well past thirty. She told me herself, when I had become an adult and her trusted friend, that she considered it an incredible audacity that a man, like Richard III, would woo the widow away from the dead body of her husband. She was afraid that he would do harm to himself, but the fact that he did not even try, made her decide to let him go.

At least I was allowed to stay with Mama. Even though I was overjoyed at the prospect, secretly I longed for the boarding school and especially for the hidden delights of the log cabin at the end of the park. It excited my imagination to such an extent that I started to lose weight. Mama was terribly concerned about the way I looked and she counseled our new family doctor, a young man who really adored her.

And one day he took me aside and talked to me about the secret sins of boys in such an extensive way and at such great length that I learned many things about which I had not even dreamed in my wildest imagination. Like anybody else would have done, I suppose, I denied any sexual misstep. Obviously I decided not to heed a single one of his warnings and I set out methodically to try out every single one of the means of self-pollution with which he had charged me and about which I had heard from him for the first time.

I belonged to those boys who do not lose their desire for a woman even during the wildest masturbation bouts because it was always the image of a naked woman that set my senses afire. Once I was caught in the act by our cook when I was standing naked in front of the mirror observing myself with pleasure, with my hands not entirely idle. She cried out in horror and ran away. When I thereupon quickly sneaked into the kitchen to talk to her and ask her not to tell anything to Mama, she said, “But, laddy, that's not how you should start off.”

And then she took my face between her rough hands and whispered into my ear that after all she slept all alone in the little servant's room next to the kitchen and why didn't I come to her at night once in awhile and that would be so much better and healthier than …. My hands reached for her enormous bosom. Suddenly she threw her arms around me and slobbered all over my face, sighing, “Oh, laddy, laddy!” Well, I am sure that the fat one meant well for me. And really, the next night, when everyone was asleep, I tiptoed into her room. She must have expected me, because when my hands, groping in the dark, tried to reach out for her, I felt that she had rolled up her coarse linen nightshirt. My fingers squeezed around the massive and slack breasts and played in the forest which was situated somewhat lower. The fat cook pretended to sleep. But suddenly her rough hands held me and lifted me toward her, tenderly as if she were afraid I would break. Too late, because while one hand was groping around her fullness, the other had sacrificed to the goddess of love. And when I was on top of that fat woman, who really thought she was doing me a favor, the horrible dank smell which emanated from her made me nauseous and I quickly slipped away from her and disappeared like a shadow.

I cried with impotent fury and shame when I returned to my own bed because the first opportunity to fulfill the most ardent wishes of my feverish fantasy had brought me nothing but physical disgust and a bad case of nausea. And the fat cook must really have disliked me tremendously because from that day on she did not even as much as look at me and within fourteen days she had given notice, leaving our home. Her pride had been most grievously hurt. And she was right. Didn't she try to be my benefactress and hadn't she been rejected? And all this just because her little room was not properly aired and heaven had promised her greater fulfillment than I had been able to deliver.

After the fat woman had left the house I still avoided that particular room, my disgust for it was that strong. Instead, I avidly looked at all the women that were well-formed and prettily dressed and most of all I stared at the firm outlines of my new piano teacher who desperately tried to teach me the proper fingering at this instrument.

Once, while she was telling me off, I put my head against her bosom and said, “But I cannot pay proper attention, because I always have to look at you.” The poor thing, who was not even pretty, was at a loss for words because probably nobody had ever said this to her. She pressed my face firmly against her breast and tried to be very motherly about it, telling me that she would not be harsh to me from now on, but I would have to apply myself a little bit more. I thereupon pressed my whole body against her, because her innate goodness excited me tremendously. She must have noticed that my feelings were rather carnal, because while she was talking about my piano lessons and music in general, we had gotten up and she pressed me against the only door in the room and performed right then and there with her hand that certain ritual which mine only performed secretly in the dark. When my head limped in sweet relaxation against her shoulder, she asked me, “Now, isn't that much better?” Then she left, though I had noticed that she too had become very much excited. From then on I positively loved my piano lessons. I was truly longing for them and I really paid attention because I knew that after playing the keys I would be instructed in other techniques of fingering, provided I had done my lesson well.

But the vacations also put an end to the piano lessons and when they were resumed in the fall I was told that I would have a different teacher, because Miss Olga was ill. A few years later I met her again and heard what really had been the matter, but I will talk about that later.

The new teacher was an old wrinkled little lady whose looks neither excited my senses nor my desire to learn. And therefore I have been a terrible piano player ever since.

When I was fifteen and about to become a senior, I also made the honor roll of students, thanks to one of the teachers who was kind enough to help me with my homework. He soon became one of Mama's best friends and I liked him most of all of Mama's best friends.

One of my favorite pastimes at that age (I must have been about sixteen) was to walk around on the streets between seven and eight, just before dinner time. The streets were then full of people on their way home from work and I knew all the streets through which the young factory girls walked. A lot of them allowed me to walk with them and take certain liberties. Whenever I managed to walk along with a whole group of them I was delighted to listen to their rude and vulgar expressions, and it never failed to surprise me how the young men dared to use the gestures and gropings, even in the more busy streets, to indicate their intentions. I often dared to brush very closely past one of these young girls or to put my hand somewhere against her every time I pretended to pass her. But to talk to one, or even walk alongside her, was more than I could dare.

But once, one of the girls talked to me! It was in a narrow side street which had very little traffic. I had been walking behind this young thing for quite awhile and she had noticed it. She obviously must have liked it and she had walked into that side street only so that I could talk to her. And when I did not do that, she suddenly turned around to me and said, “Well?” At that very moment a young lieutenant came out from nowhere. I presumed that he had followed this girl too./He shoved me rudely aside and said to me, “Why don't you go on home, you little self-polluter?” I heard the girl laugh out loudly, I felt the blood rush hotly to my cheeks and I turned around and ran.

I had never before felt so miserable. I balled my fists in impotent fury. Sobs strangled my throat. I know now that on that night I was truly ashamed of myself for the very first time. That horrible name which the young officer had given me burned in my mind, and I suddenly felt so guilty and so dishonored, before the female sex I loved so much, because those words had been uttered in front of a girl and her hysterical laughter still echoed in my head.

I swore eternal vengeance to that officer. I could not care less at that moment that I had only seen him for a few seconds on a barely lit side street and most likely would not have recognized him if I ever saw him again. But the next day came and I was compelled to go out on the street again. I was still terribly ashamed. How easy would it be to run into that same girl again and to be recognized by her! I believe that that was the awakening of my sexual pride, the feeling that you are there for the pleasure of the woman and that it is a sin to fail in the discharge of those duties. I most likely would have fallen back into my old habit if I had had a few days in which to lose this burning sensation of shame and to regain the strength necessary to break my voluntary abstinence, if it were not for the fact that Mama had a visitor … Miss Rita Hellmer.

Rita Hellmer is the same girl who was in the bathing establishment when I went there with my Mama into the ladies' department, staring at all those girls and women in bathing suits, and who had told her girl friend, “That little boy starts early!” When Miss Rita, who meanwhile also had become ten years older and more voluptuous (nevertheless she had remained unmarried), entered the room, I did not recognize her and most definitely did not remember her remark. She told me about that herself, and since she thought that I was remarkably well-developed and tall for my age, she honored me with a small conversation.

Since I could not take my gaze away from her, she remarked smilingly to Mama, “He still looks exactly the same as he did at the baths.” She laughed. When Mama was called away for a moment, she turned around to me and said several times, “My, those eyes of that boy … I really should not say 'boy' any longer, and I should take care of not being so familiar with you.” And she took my hand.

I was totally confused. Blood rushed to my head. I kept staring at Rita, who now leaned back into her chair with a relaxed demeanor which was to me the epitome of excitement. She smiled, leaned over to me and brushed the tip of my nose with her beautiful lips. “Don't stare so hard,” she whispered to me, in such a way as to indicate that only I should hear her words.

I grabbed for her small beautiful hand and pressed my lips against it. From the way she allowed me to do this and in the manner on which she released me when Mama returned, I knew for sure that she was not entirely disinterested in me. But at the same time I became terribly fearful that I would give away my secret to Mama and I got up to leave the room. Rita offered her hand and again, though less passionately, I was allowed to press my lips against those divine fingers.

I felt incredibly proud and happy; I walked as if upon a cloud. But, this day had even more in store for me. About half an hour after Miss Rita had left, I was called into Mama's room. “Miss Hellmer forgot her lace shawl and I want you to take it quickly to her home. Be very careful with it, it is priceless.” Hot and cold shivers ran through me. I turned around and went back into my room because I did not want Mama to see my excitement. I told her that I wanted to dress up before I left. Mama laughed. “You vain boy,” she called when I dashed up the stairs, “she may not even be home!”

I had put the lace shawl in the inside pocket of my jacket; once in awhile I would take it out and hold it against my lips. Obviously, I talked myself into the fact that Rita was deeply in love with me.

When I had reached the street where Rita's home was — she had inherited it after her parents died-I had become so excited that I was unable to walk one more step, I could no longer see straight. But soon I succeeded in walking very slowly in front of the houses and when I had finally reached her home, Rita was just on her way out. She acted rather surprised but she called me by my first name. And she looked at me sort of strangely, winking!

She was in the process of leaving, she told me, because she had to deliver something somewhere, but I was obviously so tired that she went back into her home with me and asked me to sit down in a low easy chair. She sat down opposite me. But I could no longer take it. Suddenly I got up, kneeled in front of her and threw my arms around her waist. I felt her fingers in my hair and then I heard how she softly whispered, “Wait.”

When she returned she was without her hat and wearing a long, soft dress which left her shoulders free. I walked toward her and wanted to embrace. “Oh you wild, wild boy,” she said, though she made no move to avoid me. She walked over to the door and secured its lock. And then she permitted me to throw myself upon her and kiss her like a madman. She finally fell down upon the couch, completely out of breath. “But boy, where did you learn all this,” she asked pantingly. I pulled the beautiful white dress down her bosom, causing a few buttons to break off. I tore at the lace chemise which showed the fullness of her breasts and I kissed and kissed and kissed. Then, with a tenderness of which a virgin is incapable toward a man, she taught me the ultimate expression of love between man and a woman; she took me, because I did not yet know how to give.

When I left two hours later, I had become a man.

Chapter Two. THE YOUNG MAN

The next one and a half years of my life were called “Rita Hellmer.” The passion with which I had started my relations with womanhood was so strong and insistent that Rita, during her moments of extreme ecstasy, held onto me tightly and cried out fearfully, “One of these days it might damage your health!” I closed her lips with my kisses. Those were fantastic hours. At first I met her every day right after school and I would leave her only around dinner time. An excuse was easily found: I was playing the piano together with Rita.

Her large home was laid out in an extremely favorable manner. The music room had its own entrance and it was connected with Rita's bedroom by an archway covered with tapestry. Her chambermaid and the cook had no business there and it would not even have been necessary to lock the bedroom door, which gave entrance to the rest of the house. Nevertheless, it remained locked whenever I was there. We also did not have to be afraid of unexpected visitors. Rita knew how to protect herself; she never received anyone unless the intended visit had been announced beforehand. That was her rule. And it should be obvious that any visit during our afternoon sessions was out of the question.

It always took too much time for me to gulp the tea and Rita had to shove the edibles that belonged to it practically down my throat. The cold cuts, the caviar and the candies. But she allowed me, while I was furiously chewing away at these things, to loosen her silken gown, take off her shoes and slip off her silk stockings and then her fine silken chemise which was the only thing left to take off. Thereupon we would sit at the piano. She had invented that one to drive me out of my mind.

A few bars, and then I could not take it any longer. And then Rita would start to undress me, very slowly. She would turn and move with hot desire and I would almost lose all control over myself. And when her delicious-smelling nudity would kneel in front of me to untie my shoelaces, staring continually at that part of my body which stretched out passionately and longingly toward her, I was usually no longer capable of containing myself. I would take her by the shoulders and push her down upon the soft carpet or the silken pillows which she had moved from the chairs down to the floor. At that moment all her willpower would depart from her body, she would throw her arms over her head, her muscles relaxed and any life which remained in her would only be audible because of her heavy breathing. But the moment she felt my hot forehead against her shoulder, she would embrace me wildly and not let go of me. I have never since found such an ardent aftermath with any woman. And the aftermath was usually followed by new desire.

Before I left her, I always had to go with her into her luxurious bathroom. And when we were together in the large tub, in the warm water, we would kiss and kiss till our desire would flare up again.

And when I came home, Mama would receive me with quiet tenderness. She would often stroke my hair. She knew where I came from and I believe that she also knew about everything else. When I had been to visit Rita day after day for a few weeks, Mama said to me, “You will have to limit your piano playing with Rita to three times a week; the other afternoons I will have a tutor help you with your homework, otherwise I am afraid that you will fail in school and we can't have that happen, can we?” I took Mama's hand and held it for a long time, thinking whether I should talk and tell her everything. But my natural feeling of tact held me back. I remained silent. I did not protest Mama's wish to limit my visits with Rita.

Come to think of it, that was not very surprising. After all, I had just come home from Rita. And when you tell someone who has just gorged himself at a banquet that he will have to go on a diet, it does not make much of an impression. Normally, Mama would insist on my going to bed as soon as we had had our dinner together, but that night she allowed me to stay up for one more hour. She was so sweet that I suddenly embraced her and kissed her. Then she said, “Oh, you wild, wild boy.”

At that particular moment I did not know whether it was she or whether it was Rita who said that. I held Mama's head firmly against my chest and then I slid down and put my face in her lap. I remained that way for a long time and was very thankful to Mama that she, too, did not speak a word.

An hour later, when I was in bed and trying to study a little before I would fall asleep, I had a sudden inspiration which intrigued me so much that I got up and sat down in front of my desk to write it down. The idea was not at all original but it caused my feelings for Rita to change and it also gave me a chance to put my feelings down on paper and to write down my experiences. This is how my diaries were written which I have kept up till today and from which these pages found their inspiration.

One should not laugh about keeping a diary. If they mirror the most intimate part of a human life, then they are priceless. By writing an honest diary one can be of tremendous service to those who make it their life's work studying human nature and who may one day acquire possession of such a diary. Only a very few who write down their experiences are capable of telling the complete truth. Most of us do not have the courage to look at ourselves naked in that mirror. A false feeling of shame and modesty forces us to hide and even justify our doings to ourselves. To avoid the truth of which we are afraid, we will wrack our brains to come up with fantasies which are more satisfying and we are only happy when we have been successful in replacing an unpleasant truth or an experience which we really had or a thought that flashed through our minds with something nice and kind which has never happened at all.

I thought about my entire affair with Rita and finally I came to a sudden conclusion that I was playing the role of the eternal giver. Her submission was not a granting but an avid taking without any feeling of gratitude. Suddenly I said to myself, the way she takes you, she has been taking many others before you, not because she wants partners to share her delights but simply to satisfy her own lust. It occurred to me that she might not care at all that I had to limit my visits to her home.

But no matter how these and similar thoughts had haunted me, the next day I felt impelled to visit Rita again. I was passionate and wild and I told myself that I was the lucky one who was received happily by her, though nevertheless I was more observant than usual. Despite all this, it was fantastic doing it that particular day. I can still remember it clearly. After some gigantic outbursts of passion we were resting, our bodies entwined, upon the soft carpet. Our breaths mixed, I can remember that we had just enough common sense left not to forget our breathing. Otherwise I felt that dying at this ecstatic moment would be my greatest happiness.

We had fallen asleep, breast against breast, mouth upon mouth. Suddenly I got up, sat on my knees and tried to lift up Rita. At first she resisted. Then I told her harshly, “I want you to embrace me, you have to kiss me and I order you to tell me that you love me!” She laughed and got up on her knees, too. We sat opposite each other on the soft carpet, eye to eye. Half relaxed, she spread her arms and called out, “Kiss me!”

The way she sat there in front of me, her arms spread out, her body slightly reclined, her beautiful breasts jutting provocatively, her eyes closed and her lips half opened, she seemed to me to be the very embodiment of a bacchante. I kissed this desirable body everywhere and she started writhing with renewed passion and vigor. She let herself fall back upon the carpet, her arms raised above her head and we went at it wild, wilder, wildest.

Only after I came painfully out of this state of utter mania, I suddenly experienced a disillusionment like I had never felt before. I absolutely refused to go with her into the bathtub and pulled away when she tried to grab my hands. She acted very surprised but then she started laughing and said, “You should stay away for a couple of days, little one, I think I am giving you too much.” She lifted her breasts with her hands and held them out to me. “Aah, I would have loved to give you so much more!”

It scared me. Of course, she must have noticed that because she said with a motherly air, “But no, no!” Meanwhile she took me by the hand and led me straight into her bathroom. I did not resist any longer. She told me to get into the tub. I did. She got in, too. I felt her kisses, moist and hot, I felt her soft fingers stroke up and down my body, but suddenly I did not feel anything any longer. A sweet, lingering weakness took hold of my body and I became incapable of feeling and thought. The incredible fear which Rita must have experienced became clear to me when I woke up. She had not been strong enough to lift me out of the tub so, while she had lifted my head above the water with her left hand, she had taken out the drain stop with her right one. That is how I wound up in an empty tub. Rita was rubbing me with sharp smelling essences, my chest, my forehead and my temples. And when I opened my eyes, her first words were, “It is too much for you.”

I stared at her for a while and then I grabbed automatically for her breasts which were closest to my face since she was leaning over the tub. She said, “Don't start that again,” and she laughed teasingly. But her whole body started to shiver and she looked very white. I tried to get up and was successful though I had a sudden attack of vertigo and had to hold on tightly to Rita. She must have misunderstood my motive, because she cried out, “Do you really trust yourself to do it once more?” She also grabbed for my member. I tried to avoid her hand. Disappointed, she said, “You must go now, my boy. Are you sure you feel well enough?”

During all that time I had not said a word, but now I asked for my clothes. They had been left in the bedroom and thus we went in there. Suddenly I looked into the large mirror which was standing between the two high windows on each side of it, a red light spreading a warm glow. I saw Rita and myself, completely nude, in the clear glass. Of course, I had seen the two of us in the nude quite frequently, as a matter of fact we never wore anything when we were together. But this time it seemed to me something incredibly enchanting.

As if in a dream I turned away from the mirror toward the nude woman. What a beautiful back, the fabulous white roundness of her behind, the finely modeled, slightly rounded belly, those gorgeous legs, and above all … those breasts! I just stared and Rita would not have been a woman if she had not considered my uninterrupted stare as a nice compliment. But all I did was look and I had no intention of taking possession of her once more. But suddenly she became excited and exclaimed thickly, “I can't stand it any longer!”

She stared directly at my member, took it in both hands, kneeled down in front of me and she kissed it! To no avail. I barely had the strength to look down. I saw her whole body shaking. Then she pulled herself together, got up and put on her dressing gown. I put on my clothes, too, and when I was ready, I felt quite a lot better. Except, I was so empty and experienced a strange cramping in the area of my heart. Rita said, “Now, I don't want you to come tomorrow, you hear me, and also not the day after tomorrow, you wild, wild man!” She took me into her arms and kissed my forehead, eyes and mouth and pushed me toward the door. “We must use our heads, my boy. And if you still don't feel well tomorrow, you should go and see a doctor. But be sure he does not know you, promise?” One more kiss and I found myself standing out on the street.

How I succeeded in getting home that day still is not clear to me. I walked as if in a dream. Mama had gone to the theater, so that I had the good fortune of not having to find an excuse for my being so late. Even though it was only eight o'clock, I went directly to bed after I had drunk a few little glasses of liqueur. I fell asleep immediately and did not wake up till that next morning because someone was knocking loudly on my door.

One look in the mirror made me realize that it would be much better for me if Mama did not get to see me that morning. The gray shadow under my eyes reached all the way to my cheeks, and the color of my skin was sallow and yellowish. I rubbed my face with my hands in an attempt to create some color. While washing up I saw my naked torso in the mirror, which in turn made me think of Rita again and a wild desire to be with her that instant overcame me. I wanted to see her exactly the same way when I awakened from my fainting spell, and without seeing if Mama had already awakened and without touching my breakfast I walked out of the house.

To Rita's.

Her chambermaid opened the door for me and looked at me in utter surprise. Then she told me that Madame Rita was still asleep. Finally I pushed the girl aside and forced my way into the house. The door to Rita's bedroom was locked. I ran against it. The next moment Rita opened the door. And before she had had a chance to recuperate from her surprise to see me at this unusual hour, I pushed her ahead of me and stood in her bedroom. The next moment, however, I backed up against the door in utter confusion and surprise. There, in the bed, right in front of me, sat a young man … mother-naked! He glanced shyly in my direction. Rita did not lose her composure for one single moment. She threw off her silken gown, which was the only piece of clothing she wore, stretched out her arms while walking toward me and said, “How sweet of you to come and see me! I hope you do feel a lot better again!” I could not utter a single word and did not even try to ward off Rita when she pulled me toward her and put her head against my shoulder, purring modestly, “There was no other way, I simply could not stand the thought of being alone.”

And she started to unbutton my vest. But at that moment the naked man in bed cried out, “You filthy whore!”

I automatically moved toward him but Rita held me back. “Oh, why can't you be sensible,” she whispered to me, and to the other one, “Only the nights are for you. Who could guess that this dumb boy would show up this early?”

She walked over to the bed and smilingly bent over to the young man, kissing him. “You have so much more staying power,” she gurgled lustily. And before I had had time to comprehend what was going on, I saw how the young man pulled Rita toward him and proceeded to throw himself upon her. I heard their passionate groaning, which I knew so well from her, and I saw how she held on to this man's nude body, writhing wildly and enjoying his debaucheries tremendously.

I have never before or since felt as lonely as during those few moments. I left the room and closed the door behind me. Away from there was all I wanted. But then I sank into the closest chair and started to sob. How long I sat there I cannot remember. For a long time I heard the groaning in the other room, then it became silent. The exhaustion after the storm. That, too, I knew so well. I began to think. I now remember quite clearly that I was contemplating returning to that bedroom and strangling Rita. As a first thought, that seemed to me the most natural thing to do. Then it occurred to me that the man on the bed first had called her dirty names and secondly had almost immediately thereupon taken possession of her. I thought about this contradiction for such a long time that I sobered up completely. I sat down at Rita's white writing desk and started to compose a long letter to her which I know now must have been a very stupid one and it most likely made no impression upon her whatsoever. But my pride forced me to do it and I accused her of sharing the most beautiful, most sacred thing I had ever possessed with somebody she had just picked up from the street. I also told her in that letter that she was the one who lost because I had always been the giver whereas she was never anything else but the taker. I was very satisfied with myself when I had finished the letter … and I left. Her maid, who was waiting for me to leave, took my hand and said, “Don't take it too hard, dear young sir, it is impossible to be jealous when you are one of Madame Rita's visitors. Look, I am not jealous, either. Isn't this the sweetest?” And she pressed my hand against her breasts, looking up at me longingly. But I pushed her away from me and ran out of the house.

Of course, it had become too late to go to school. I aimlessly wandered into the city with the intention of considering my recent ordeal from every possible angle. But I never got around to doing that because suddenly I felt as if Rita was a person about whom I had never cared at all. I was totally incapable of even disliking her for what she had done to me. But I could not rid myself of a certain curiosity: I would have given years of my life to know who the young man was that was visiting Rita this morning?

No matter how hard I tried, I could not remember his face. All I could recall was his strong body and his white skin. And I had to admit to myself that the sight of those two was no longer as horrible. As a matter of fact I could not even find it shameless. I almost envied them because of their courage. They did not care about me; they wanted to do what they felt like doing at that particular moment and … they did it! Meanwhile I had dozed off while sitting on a bench in the park. I suddenly woke up with a start … it was past noon! I was terribly hungry and I went home. Mama looked at me with a worried expression. At first she did not say a thing, but after I had eaten she hesitantly offered the following opinion, “Is it possible that your piano playing at Rita's, after a strenuous day at school, is not a little bit too much for your strength?”

I could feel the blood rush to my head and I needed a moment before I could answer Mama. “I will not visit Rita any longer,” I said. I would have loved to say more to Mama, I mean I could have confided in her completely. But I did not speak and Mama never mentioned Rita again.

It is curious. I suddenly became a serious student at school and I worked hard. And not once did I have the slightest desire to see Rita again. About three or four weeks went by when I overheard one of the maids announce to Mama that Miss Rita was here to visit her. I said to Mama, “You cannot receive her!”

My expression may have betrayed me; Mama had herself excused. At that moment Rita had disappeared out of my life forever. I did hear a few years later that she had become a princess and had been introduced at the Imperial Court, but I never saw her again.

I have heard quite a lot about her, but that does not concern my life and it left me emotionally cold. But I did meet the one with whom I shared the servicing of Rita's eternal desire (though I am now no longer sure that he was the only one). I met him a few weeks afterward. One night while I was looking at the window display of one of the book stores, a young man walked up to me and started a conversation. I took him for a laborer till I saw his hands: they were clean, white and soft. At first I did not understand what he was talking about when he said, “Don't you know what happened to her? Her house is all locked up!”

He noticed that I did not know what it was all about and he started to laugh.

“I must admit that the last time we met, I was not wearing any clothes.”

Now I understood. He had awakened my curiosity, and I walked with him into a more quiet side street. He told me that Rita had kept him busy all morning of that day when I had surprised the two of them. She had asked him to stay on for several more days. He lived with her as if in paradise till he had become so worn out that he could no longer stay awake. She had let him go to regain his strength. And when he returned he had found out that the house was locked. The doorman told him that Miss Rita had left for a long journey and would not return within the foreseeable future.

It made a curious impression upon me when the young man exclaimed, “I will forgive that whore anything, as long as she comes back. I will never get one like that for the rest of my life. She was too good for one alone, and one only was not enough for her! Oh, God, dear God! You know, I would like to die right on top of her!”

He became even sadder when I admitted that I had not heard anything from Rita and, as a matter of fact, not even thought about her. “You asshole,” was all he said when he turned his back to me and walked away.

I do not deny that I did not feel a certain admiration for this guy who obviously was proud of the fact that he had been the giver to this female to such an extent that all he finally wanted was to go to sleep. And not only that, but he seemed to long for the moment that he could go on giving and he did not seem to mind that this particular female also took from others because she drained the strength from one much quicker and faster than she could extinguish the fire which burned hot and passionately within her.

Chapter Three. FIRST LOVE

One thing remained with me for a long time after this first great adventure: a certain fear for all those well-dressed women belonging to the higher classes. I returned to those secret sins of my youth, alone with my own nudity in the bathroom, and had so many orgasms that I started to suffer from nervous exhaustion.

But then I met a poor little salesgirl and she was the first woman with whom I had relations again. It was only a short interlude of such little duration that I would not have remembered it were it not for the fact that I have it written down in my diary. And while I am writing this the memory of this entire little episode comes back to me.

I can see again the badly undernourished body of the little one, her shrunken breasts. I really do not understand now, especially after having been used to Rita's voluptuous charms, how I could possibly have become excited at the sight of this poor miserable creature. And yet, it happened! I was aimlessly wandering through the city and I saw the girl go into the cathedral. She moved like a shadow up the steps and disappeared through the half-opened door into the church. It is probably that, at that moment, desire for female company had awakened in me again, and the half-child with its poverty-stricken look excited me. I don't know, but I went after her.

She had knelt in front of a saint's statue whose name I was unable to find out. He stood on his pedestal wearing only a loincloth and at his feet stood a raven or a crow or something. A small lamp lit her face with a reddish glow and to me she appeared at that moment remarkably beautiful. She looked up at the almost-nude saint, her hands folded in prayer and her breathing was rapid and very audible. I kneeled next to her, brushing against her as if by accident.

“What's the name of that saint?” I whispered softly.

“I don't know,” she answered.

She glanced in my direction when she said that and smiled at me. I moved a little bit closer arid my hand pressed against her thigh. No response. I moved closer again. And then she whispered at me, “Why don't we sit down on a bench?”

She got up and went to one of those low benches that are completely hidden in the darkness. I went after her. For a while we sat there, quietly and without moving, then my hand went out to her, searching, feeling and caressing. She raised herself a little bit, lifted her skirt and sat down again. When I went with my hand under her skirt, I felt naked flesh. It upset me, but quietly, as if walking a forbidden path, my hand moved on. I touched her belly. I went lower. The girl opened up her thighs, she grabbed my finger and helped it penetrate her. After a while her head lolled and her body started to spasm. Then she pulled my hand away from under her skirt and brought it to her lips, kissing it. She started to nibble on my fingers, groaning, and at the same time I felt her hand groping for the bulge that had formed in my trousers.

I just sat there without moving and I knew that even with Rita I had never known such delight. She tried to unbutton my trousers, but suddenly she said, “Let's go.” It sounded so softly, yet so passionately, longing. At the door she dipped her fingers in the holy water and crossed herself. We walked up and down the quiet side street next to the cathedral. There were no people in sight We were both incapable of bringing out a word; the excitement had made our throats dry. Finally the girl pushed me into a hallway and there she embraced me, kissing me sweetly and reverently … Rita had never kissed me like that!

“Do you want me?” she asked shyly. I held her tightly. And then she told me that she knew about a little inn near the railroad station where we could be together without being disturbed. After we had walked along for about ten minutes, she suddenly stopped.

“Oh, wait a moment,” she said, “I first have to see if I have enough money with me.” She pulled out a small purse.

I laughed. “Don't be silly, I have enough money with me.”

But she did not want to hear about that. She did not want me to pay. “If I want you with me, then it shouldn't cost you anything.”

At first I revolted. Wasn't that exactly like Rita? If I want you with me! Do I only exist to be wanted by rutting females? But my desire for this girl was stronger than my objections to being used again and I said only, “But I walked after you into the cathedral; I was the one who talked to you first; I wanted to have you!”

But she hooked her arm into mine and nuzzled up to me.

Later, when we were together in bed in the simple hotel room, and after she had kissed my whole body during a scene of fervent passion, she looked up at me, putting her hand under her chin, and said sadly, “You know that you are the first one who wanted to have me. Oh, every time when I cannot stand it any longer I have taken a boy to this place. It is not difficult with all those poor students who don't have money enough to get themselves a girl. They are always grateful. And I only like the very young ones; the older ones make me sick.”

I bragged to her about my previous affair, of course, without mentioning Rita's name. But the little one laughed and told me the name. She said that she had heard it from a couple of high school boys with whom she had been to this little inn. They had told her about this incredibly beautiful woman who was absolutely insatiable and who sometimes took on two boys at the same time, either in bed or in her bathtub. And the little girl freely admitted that she would do exactly the same if she had the money, even two at the same time … no, that … never! You really couldn't love two at the same time, and to do it without love wasn't worth doing it. She started to kiss me all over again and exclaimed, “I want you! Please, love me! Please, feel me …” And, after we had reached our full satisfaction, she took my hands and kissed them, assuring me that she could not think of anything more beautiful. “I would rather have even less money but more often a good-looking boy like you.”

Before we parted, she said, “I will go back to the cathedral for sure tomorrow; I have to thank that darling little nude saint who has helped me in getting you.” And then she confessed to me that she always went there and that she, if nobody would talk to her and go with her, at least could look at the saint's nakedness. She would rub her thighs together and get at least some satisfaction. We made a date to see each other again in the little hotel.

“If you really show up, then I will promise to remain faithful to you,” she said, looking at me with a very honest expression on her face. I think what attracted me most to her was her honesty and her gratitude for being with me.

We met a few dozen more times in the little hotel where I had become an honored guest.

But finally it turned into a mere habit and the desire for someone more beautiful had overcome me. I was no longer passionate with her. Sometimes I did not stay longer than a half-hour with the girl in that hotel and I often caught myself trying to remember Rita's voluptuous body while I was on top of the girl, because I needed something to get me excited.

After all, the girl only wanted me for her own pleasure and she was grateful for the release I gave her. However, she did nothing to me any longer which evoked any release from my emotional tensions. And it frequently became too much for me when I happened to see a well-built girl walk past me in the street with a pretty face and a happy smile. And one day my little girl said to me, “You are not any longer like you used to be.” Her face was a little sad and she gave me her hand, “But it was beautiful while it lasted.” She left without making an agreement to see me and we never met again. I don't know what has become of her. The poor thing, with her unquenchable desire for happiness which seemed to elude her always.

It was around the same time that my mother finally got the impression that I had grown into manhood and that I had become fully initiated. I mean, fully knowledgeable about the facts of life, especially hers. I can now fully realize the difficult internal struggle she must have suffered between the desire to live her own life and her sense of duty. Oh, how I hate that word “duty,” which prevents us from realizing our hottest passions and which ties and strangles us and forces us to deaden our truest feelings. Thank the Lord that my Mother had a strong will and that she refused to sacrifice herself at her young age.

I must admit that her material situation allowed her to give a better upbringing and education to her children than she could possibly do herself. She was only excellent for the most noble lust for life, she was only good as a giver of joy because I know that giving and taking were mixed with equal proportions in her personality. Wherever she enjoyed living, she loved with body and soul. To look at her was sheer delight and to hear her deep, soft voice was utter ecstasy. To have scaled with her the heights of passion must have been pure joy of paradise.

And especially during that time which I spent, finally unwillingly, in the embraces of the poor girl, my gazes lingered more frequently than usual, full of admiration, upon the beautiful form of Mama. Without any particular reason I would hold her hand and press a passionate kiss upon it, I would take her in my arms and hold her tightly. It really came as a shock to me when she told me she was going on a long voyage around the world. She ruffled my hair with her adorable hand and said, “It has to be that way!” She pulled me close to her and kissed me upon the mouth. The delightful shiver running through my body impressed me so greatly that it made me write one of the few poems I ever composed in my life. I wrote it for myself, and for myself only, and I have taken great pains to see to it that it will be buried with me.

For the duration of Mama's voyage, my little brother was to live with our grandmother whose lands were near the western border. I remained as Lord of the Manor in our own house, occasionally visited by my dear departed father's only brother, with whom I had absolutely nothing in common.

In the beginning I suffered from loneliness and the wild desire to see Mama again. I hardly noticed the people around me. Our housekeeper looked after the house, and Old Joseph, our gardener and manservant, stayed on to look after me. But dinner was served by a young, almost seventeen-year-old girl with beautiful red cheeks and a well-formed body which seemed untouched. The old housekeeper, who had been with us since Papa's death, had hired the girl to help her with the household chores a few days after Mama's departure. But as soon as darkness set in, and my tutor had left for the day, the old woman would retire to her room and Joseph left for the coach house. The young girl was left alone to take care of me. She did this shyly and without making much sound so that I hardly ever noticed her at all. But one night, after I returned from the theater, I could not help but take a good look at her.

It must have been around ten o'clock and she was sitting in the well-lit living room. She asked me if I still wanted her to serve my dinner. My God, she was beautiful! Deep black shining hair, a soft snow-white skin, flushing red cheeks, a veritable picture of beautiful health. I must have stared at her a mite too long and longingly because she blushed deep red.

She served supper and left the room quietly.

I hastily drank a glass of wine or two, maybe three. After I had finished eating, I leaned back in my chair and felt terribly lonely in that dining room with only one light burning on the table. Suddenly I imagined that I was suffering from incredible thirst which could only be slaked by a tall glass of ice cold water. I did not want to drink that wine. My hand automatically reached for the bell, and equally as automatically, did not ring it. Instead I got up and walked slowly toward the door. I opened it, called out softly, “Marie!” Then I went back into the room and closed the door. A few moments later she entered.

“Did you call, Sir?”

“Yes, Marie.”

“I am sorry I didn't hear you ring.”

“No, Marie, I did not ring … I did not want to wake up the old woman.”

I had walked up to her as closely as I dared but I could not bring myself to touch her, even with one finger. We just stood there, standing close together, without uttering a sound. Finally she started to move one foot.

“I would — love to have a glass of water, Marie.”

“Very well, Sir.”

She left, returned right away and poured me a glass of water. Then she started to take away the dishes.

“I just cannot stand it any longer to just sit here all by myself, Marie. Please stay with me for a while. Please, sit down, Marie.”

I suddenly took her hand in mine. She did not pull back, but she did turn away her head. I began to get warm. “Why don't you sit down, Marie? Are you afraid of me?” She shook her head and allowed me to pull her toward me on my chair. I stroked her beautiful black hair, caressed her lovely cheeks. I suddenly had to take off my tie and loosen my collar. Then I unbuttoned my shirt, because I thought I was going to choke. I put the girl's hand under my shirt upon my naked chest and I could feel how she shuddered.

She said softly, “Please, no, dear Sir.” She tried to take her hand out of mine but I did not let go of her. But, during this slight struggle I happened to touch her full and firm breasts. That was enough to drive me out of my mind. I embraced the girl wildly and kissed her passionately on the mouth. Her arms relaxed and fell slack to her side. I held her that way for a long time, whispering, “I won't let you go!” I kissed her again and again.

But suddenly she seemed to regain her senses and pulled herself away from me rather roughly. I went after her. She had almost left the room, but I went down upon my knees before her and embraced her thighs, pressing my face against her. She bent over me, took my head in her hands and put her feverishly glowing cheeks against mine. I reached for her breasts and in doing so I tore the blouse she was wearing, exposing two full and firm globes with rapidly hardening nipples. I stared avidly at them while she stood up and stretched herself voluptuously.

“Take off your clothes, oh sweetheart,” I panted.

Suddenly she embraced me tightly. I pulled her down upon the sofa, took one of her breasts in both hands, kissed it, licked it and sucked the little nipple. Then I took the other breast. The girl squirmed and groaned. I pulled out my member and let her touch it. She grasped it and squeezed so firmly that tears came to my eyes. Suddenly she buried her face in her hands and called out, “But I couldn't, Sir!”

I was unable to contain myself. I kneeled over her and tried to take off her skirt, but she resisted with all her power. I held her firmly and tried to lay down on top of her but she pressed both hands against the seat of her shame. Then I tore her blouse completely and uncovered her bosom fully. It was there … right in front of me, in all its unspoiled splendor. I laid my swollen member in between those youthful breasts, pushing them together with both hands. I groaned and panted and finally achieved some relief. But right away I became terribly ashamed of myself. I got up, put my member back in my trousers, turned around and went wordlessly into my darkened bedroom which was next to the dining room. Suddenly I felt myself embraced from behind, a cheek brushed past mine and warm and willing lips pressed upon my mouth.

“You poor, dear boy.”

Mechanically, I pulled her closer to me and rested my head against her shoulder. We just stood there and did not move. A few times she murmured, pity in her voice, “Poor boy.”

Then she rushed out, cleared the table and when she had finished she stuck her head around the bedroom door, whispering, “I'll bring you some fresh water in a minute.”

I switched on the light on my nightstand and waited. For what? I could not keep my thoughts straight. When I had waited too long, I started to undress and lay down upon the bed, smoking a cigarette, taking long, deep drags. A soft noise near the door jarred me out of my thoughts. I looked up. The girl tiptoed into the room holding a carafe with fresh water. She put it down on the table and looked in my direction. I noticed that she had made herself comfortable. She was without shoes and wore only a light dress.

“Make it dark,” she whispered.

When I did not move, because only looking at her would stir new passions, she walked over to the nightstand and turned the light off herself. My hand groped for the beauties of this young body. But I, wanted to look and see. I sat up and turned the light on again. She pushed her face into the pillow, turning onto her belly. I loosened her skirt bands and unbuttoned her top. Now she lay there next to me in all her naked glory. The freshness of her body made my head spin. She did not look like any of the girls I had ever seen.

I moved my face across those beautifully rounded and firm twin pillows. I kissed them. She whimpered, “I am so ashamed.” Her body was aglow. I tried to turn her around, but she absolutely refused. I tore the long nightgown off my body and moved and squirmed my nakedness all over her. The girl shuddered and whimpered with excitement but she kept her thighs tightly closed with all the force that was in her and I did not succeed in prying them apart. I became angry and asked her why on earth she had come to me in the first place, if all she wanted to do was to tantalize and tease me. She started to cry. I begged her to at least turn her beautiful breasts toward me. She turned her upper body just a little bit, but I grabbed her roughly and threw her on her back. I lunged upon her breasts, avidly kissing them, licking them. I licked her lips, licked her clenched teeth and sank down, completely exhausted.

Now she became nice and tender: she kissed me, took my greatly swollen, over-excited member in her hand, squeezed it gently, then she lay down on top of me and held her breasts against my lips. Now that I was exhausted, she was no longer afraid. And then she opened up her thighs. When she noticed that I did not even pay attention to it, she became more bold and guided my hand to her inner thighs. When she noticed that I had become moody, she grabbed for her blouse, put it on and then stepped into her skirt. Before she left, she kissed me and said, “Don't be mad at me, kind Sir, I cannot do anymore. If I were to get with child …”

I perked my ears. A child? It had never occurred to me that anybody with whom I had anything to do could ever get a child. And obviously, the females with whom I had consorted had never had that thought, either. It is possible that these women had nothing to be afraid of, and that the one who now was bending over me was an entirely different type, one who had to give and receive in an entirely different way. This thought made me very sentimental. I caressed her cheeks softly and kissed her almost reverently. And it seemed to make a greater impression upon her than my former abandon.

After a particularly long and passionate kiss, she stood up and stretched herself. She glanced down upon my nude body. She held her bosom and exclaimed, “God, how beautiful!” Hesitantly she sank down and brushed her lips across my chest, then planted a kiss between my thighs. Hastily she left the room.

I stayed awake for a long time. Being together with this girl, without having experienced any physical satisfaction excited me tremendously. I was contemplating whether I should sneak up to her room. No, her exclamation at the sight of my nude body was more than enough to indicate that she had seen such a thing for the first time, and her fear of getting pregnant was a sure sign that she had not yet surrendered to any man. I was slowly getting mad at myself. I had terribly insulted this innocent virgin! All the tenderness that was within me welled up and I wanted to caress her and beg her forgiveness. I even believe that my eyes got moist.

I finally fell asleep, of course, without turning off the electric light. I fortunately woke up in the morning before Old Joseph had come in to bring me my clothes and shoes, because otherwise he would have seen me stark naked lying on top of my blanket.

At first I thought I had dreamed, but slowly everything that had gone on the previous night became clear to me. And when I had realized fully that it was not a dream, a tender feeling came over me which I had never known before. If the girl had walked in at that moment, I would have embraced her and kissed her like one makes love only to his beloved. But she did not walk in, and even during the time that I was in the house, I could not as much as catch a glimpse of her.

To have a reason to be late for supper, I made an absolutely unnecessary visit to my uncle and I phoned the old housekeeper that I would not be home till around nine o'clock. I was hoping, of course, that she would go to bed without waiting for me to come home. I did not have the slightest intention of taking advantage of the girl. All I wanted to do was just sit there with the girl, talk to her and tell her that I loved her and that she should love me, and also, I wanted to kiss her. I wanted that most of all.

I have never, before or since, experienced a night like that. But I have often longed for one. I still have that longing.

When I walked into the room, Old Joseph was just about to leave. My eyes darted around … the girl was not there! I quickly said goodnight to the old man.

She was in the dining room, setting the table. Without looking around at me she greeted me. I walked over to her, grabbed her hand and pulled her toward me. I kissed her. She blushed deep red, pulled away and left for the kitchen to get my dinner. After serving me, she wanted to leave again without having said a word to me. I held her back. I pleaded with her not to be angry with me and I promised her that I would never again be as brutal to her as I had been … never, never, never. And please, now, sit down and talk to me. But she said, “You are absolutely right. A person who has behaved herself the way I behaved myself toward you, does not even deserve to be looked at.” And she tenderly took my head in her hands, kissed me quickly and walked out of the room.

I felt very sad, my meal did not taste good at all, I shoved my plate away and started to smoke. I picked up a book and began to read. But it did not work. I could not take my mind off this girl. And I kept repeating over and over as if to console myself, “She has kissed me.”

I must have sat there for over an hour and when Marie returned to clear the table, I took her hand and said, “Please, forgive me, Marie.”

“I do not want you to be sad, young Sir, and please, do not make yourself feel guilty.”

And suddenly she embraced me, held my head firmly against her bosom and she kissed me tenderly. “Please, don't be sad,” she said several times over. With a deep sigh she stroked my hair, picked up the dishes and went. I had the feeling that the most beautiful thing had just happened to me. I was happy and I smiled like one who is at peace with himself and the world. That was the mood I was in when I went to bed, turned out the light and really, I pressed my lips against my pillow, kissed it passionately and said, “Good night, Marie!”

Wait a minute! Didn't somebody slip through the half-opened bedroom door? No, nothing! But suddenly I felt a hand on my face, a nude body in my bed! Marie!!

She snuggled up to me closely and whispered, “I could not take it any longer. I don't want to be alone!”

She felt around, caught my head and kissed, kissed and kissed.

“I promise not to do anything, Marie. I promise. Oh, you sweetheart. Oh, my angel!”

It felt as if her whole body dissolved, she rested peacefully on her back, all her muscles relaxed and then … she opened her thighs! I threw my arms around her, kissed her lovely face, her neck, her breasts, her entire body. She threw her legs apart, I felt her hands under my armpits, she tugged at me and drew me across her body. What happened then? I heard small outcries of pain and got terribly scared.

“Do you want me to go away?” I stammered. “I am a terrible brute, Marie!”

She held-on to me tightly, her panting breath came haltingly, she stretched her thighs even wider than before and I felt both her hands search for my member, grab it and pull as if she wanted to pull my entire body inside her. No longer in control of myself, I pushed forcefully — a suppressed scream — I put my mouth upon hers. My head sank next to hers on the pillow, but I did not let go of her. A wild feeling surged over me, but also over her. It was a sort of terrible hunger. She clamped her legs around me as if she had to keep me tight and tighter and her lips locked onto mine. It seemed as if we never could be separated again, we held on tightly to each other and stayed that way for quite a long time.

Finally I slid exhausted off her hot body, burying my face between her breasts. I heard her soft breathing and could feel the passion ebbing away. We lay there for some time and then I asked, “Can I switch on the light?”

She did not answer, but her hands caressed my body softly. I switched on the light. There she was, her eyes closed, but with an expression of intense happiness. Then we looked at each other, laughing like happy children. She lifted her arms and stretched them toward me. I let myself be embraced by her.

“Oh, what else can I give you, my darling,” she sighed.

No, the happiness of that night, the delight of those weeks … I'll never find them again. Even the life of the most blessed person is sadly lacking bliss like that.

I do believe that Marie is the only girl, with the exception of my beautiful mother, that I have ever deeply and truly loved. Our togetherness was tender and timidly intimate and even the storms of passion that raged between us were very sacred. There was nothing in our words and deeds that was unclean, and there was not a hint of the lasciviousness which used to whip me into a frenzy whenever I was with Rita.

And the day on which Marie admitted to me that she was to become a mother, belongs to the very few real sacred ones in my entire life. We were absolutely not worried. I remember that she lifted her beautiful face up to me, and smiled with shining eyes. I looked deep into her eyes and said, “My girl.”

She anticipated our child with joy. She only did not want her parents to know about it. After it had arrived she would show it to her mother and then I had to be there too. Oh, it was all arranged and so beautiful. Throughout that whole period I did not dare to embrace her firmly because I was afraid she would break. But she just laughed at me and came to me night after night.

One day she said to me that she had to leave the house because it had become increasingly difficult to hide her situation. She wanted to rent a room in one of the suburbs and there she would deliver our child. “And after that you can be with me forever,” she said. That was our tragedy. It could not be. I started to think. It was impossible for me to imagine the days and nights that I could not be with her. With a thousand kisses I talked her into staying. She finally gave in.

This was where Mama had to help us.

I had long since decided to tell her everything. Fortunately for us, her trip around the world proceeded very slowly, and at that particular time she was still on the Continent. Surely, she must have had ecstatic times now and then and could understand the trembling with which her son now asked for her assistance. I wrote her everything. That, at first, I had had the bad luck to fall into the hands of a female to whom I was nothing more than an instrument to satisfy her insatiable demands, and that finally, after a few other trials and efforts, the desire which brings man and woman together had overcome me. I can still remember word for word the letter I wrote to Mama. And, even though some of the things I said now seem to be rather childish, one thing was for sure: I had painted a very accurate picture of my relations with Marie.

What I have written down on the previous pages is nothing but a faint copy of what I have written to Mama. And what still amazes me to this day is that I could write all this to that marvelous woman. I did not have to wait long for an answer. The next day I had a telegram from Mama: “Dear Boy, Your Confidence Made Me Happy, Letter With My Proposed Arrangements On Its Way, Greet Marie, Kisses From, Mama.”

Marie had some trouble regaining her self-control after she had read Mama's telegram. She kissed it, she kissed my hands and she implored me to tell her what she could also do to make me happy. My God, she was so sweet when she offered me her body. I did not notice any changes, and I put my ear to her belly, listening for any possible sounds that might come from the movements of our baby. We smiled happily at each other.

According to Mama's preparations, Marie moved in with an old woman who had been Mama's wet nurse and who had lived for years on a small farm outside the city. When we went to see her, the old lady knew about everything from Mama and she was very nice to Marie and me. She talked about Mama as if it were her own daughter.

“You can stay here for the night, you bad boy! The two of you have gone — well — as far as you have gone, and I don't think that you both will say the rosary when you sleep here tonight,” and saying this she patted me shamelessly on the crotch, adding, “Such a knave. But it felt good, didn't it?” She squeezed Marie's blushing cheeks and left the two of us together. But I no longer dared to touch Marie. It seemed to me as if she had become a higher being.

Week after week passed. I often kneeled in front of her and kissed her hands and then I left her with a feeling of sacred elation and shyness.

And then a day arrived … it would be sacrilege to attempt to describe it.

As usual, after school hours, I walked out to the little dwelling of the old woman. She opened the door with a very worried look on her face and did not want to let me in to see Marie. At that moment I heard her cry out for me. Marie had had an accident and the six-month-old fruit of her womb had been destroyed. A few days later she died in agony after she had touchingly said her farewell to me.

I was destroyed. I did not know how to hide my feelings and often paraded them for everyone to see. They could not prevent me from walking behind the coffin with Marie's parents. And obviously, my fellow burghers knew soon what had transpired. The most venomous gossip went from one to the other. The little provincial town had its sensation of the year. Without any shame these people said, “It's obvious! The mother is doing exactly the same!”

How I hated those dogs. They have as little respect for love as they have for suffering. They drool and slaver the very moment a human emotion shows itself unveiled. Their morals are like a changeling conceived by jealousy and irritation over the fact that their own dulled senses can only be stirred by vile and disgusting fantasies.

Fortunately for them, I was so immersed in my own grief that I did not pay any attention whatsoever to their vile whispering, or else I might have knocked several people's teeth out. It did not even make any impression upon me when my tutor, who was also one of my school teachers, told me that he had taken the liberty of announcing my withdrawal from that institution to save me the embarrassment of being expelled. It's obvious that one should expel a derelict like me. May the devil get them all.

Mama was in Japan at that time. How could she have come to my aid quickly? My uncle, my father's brother, took me under his wings. He did not ask any questions, the “facts” were enough for this little Philistine. Oddly enough, today I am very grateful to him. He bought me everything he could think of and then he dropped me off at the railway station. “Travel! It makes no difference where,” was his opinion. Nice Philistines like him are always of the opinion that a young man who has been in trouble should travel. He did not know any better.

First I went to my grandmother to see my little brother again. I really longed to see him. After all, he was part of my Mama. Then I went on to France, to Spain, with the boat to Sardinia, Italy, and finally to Switzerland. That's where I stayed because I was tired of running. I took up residence in one of the respectable and expensive hotels.

Chapter Four. A YOUNG MAN BECOMES EDUCATED IN THE UNUSUAL

I could not rid myself of the depressed mood I was in. I would sit in the hotel lobby and vacantly stare into nothingness for hours on end. Sure, I was young and healthy, and there were moments in which I managed to forget. But, moments like that were short and few. The only things that made a lasting impression upon me were the sweet and tender letters Mama wrote to me. If I ever succeed in forcing myself into a higher esteem for my fellow men, I will give to the world this collection of letters written by a marvelous woman. They deserve a high ranking place among the most noble documents of mankind.

But finally the day arrived that I laughed for the first time. And about what does one laugh first? About the miserable old husband who has a beautiful young wife. I had noticed the wretch in the reading room of my Swiss hotel. He bothered all the young people with invitations. His beautiful wife, a golden-haired Swede, was bored. He needed company to cheer her up, at least during the evening hours, he kept assuring them. And he held one champagne party after the other. He had always avoided me, which I can fully understand since I never bothered to smile and my eternally stern-looking features could not have possibly endeared me to him.

Finally he decided to talk to me, inquiring after the reason of my sorrow. The man was so preposterous that I managed a smile when I answered, “That's because so far you have always neglected to invite me.” His face lit up with delight. He refused to let go of me and I started to regret that I had bothered to talk to him in the first place.

He introduced me to his wife. She pretended to be very demure and disinterested but the occasional glances she threw at her husband indicated that she was highly satisfied. Now and then she would lean toward me and, as if unintentionally, she would afford me a look into her low-cut gown, showing me her finely veined milk-white breasts and deeper, all the way down to her navel and below. I was assured that, aside from her blue silken gown, all she wore was silk stockings.

When she got up out of her club fauteuil, I noticed, not without displeasure, that she had beautiful flaring and inviting hips, a marvelously modeled behind and promisingly well-shaped thighs. At first I was surprised that I noticed such a thing and then my surprise turned into sadness because, after all, I had traveled Paris and Madrid without paying any attention at all to the many beautiful women that live there.

But my serious mood did not last long. That idiot husband of hers made me laugh with his overzealousness. I got the distinct impression that he wanted to force his wife upon me! I finally accepted his invitation to a “small and intimate supper,” as he called it. It took place in one of the large rooms of the suite in which the couple lived. To my surprise I was the only guest and I could not help but make a remark about that. The man answered, and when he spoke he poked me in the shoulder blades, “But most people are so boring, no youth!”

I had to disagree. I remembered the names of several young people with whom I had exchanged some conversation.

“They are very nice and sociable people,” I said.

The man smiled mysteriously.

“Yes, yes, you are right … sociable; you know, but people, just plain people! One wouldn't want to socialize with them … it's like you said, nice, but, you know, their conversation is so, so … dull. Like I said, their words are so, so artificial; everything they say is so, ahem, well-dressed!”

At that moment his wife entered the room. She wore a simple black dress. Come to think of it, I don't know whether one could call it a dress. It looked as if she had wound a few yards of soft black silk around her naked body, starting under her arm pits. Her neck, shoulders and arms were bare, her white skin contrasted sharply with the gown and her reddish-blonde hair accentuated it even more. One thing was sure: this woman looked gorgeous!

She must have noticed the admiration in my eyes. Bending her upper body slightly backwards, she proffered her hand. Her husband, enraptured, reached for it and pressed his slightly heavy lips upon her fingers, showing no intention to let go of her hand. She jerked it away from him, turned toward me and said with a smile, “Ah, he is so … so …! But, why don't we sit down?”

She threw herself upon one of the low couches, behind which a huge mirror stretched all the way to the ceiling.

“Don't you prefer to sit next to me?”

Madame suddenly did not appear as reticent and honorable as she had been downstairs.

“You are not from northern Germany by any chance?”

“I am an Austrian, my dear lady.”

“One can see that immediately. You are so nice and have so much natural charm. Those other gentlemen in the hotel… ach … Berlin! Leipzig! And those two young ruffians … those Americans! You know …”

She held out one hand and allowed her husband to hand her a smoker's tray. She took a cigarette, put it in her mouth and then offered one to me and one to her husband. While doing this, her arms and my face came suspiciously close together. “You are still very young, or is it impossible to seduce you?” she asked smilingly.

“Isn't she marvelous?” exclaimed the man.

The behavior of this woman had made me bold enough to answer, “Dear lady, it would be a pleasure to be seduced by you.”

The tottering husband applauded, “Hurrah for Austria! What do you say, Syddi, wasn't I a good boy?”

She reached him her hand so he could kiss it.

“The lady wanted to talk about the Americans?”

“Oh yes, well I … now look at that. If I don't watch out, this horrible man would stick my whole hand into his mouth! …”

She withdrew her hand and dried it on her thigh.

“Oh yes, one of them, the blond one, what's his name? Jenkinson, right?” she turned to her husband, “Jenkinson. Now, listen to this, he says to me, 'Madame, you are very beautiful … I would like to give you a check every month!' “

“Just think of it,” interrupted her blockhead husband, “that's what he said, right in front of me, too!”

“Of course, we just laughed at him. He could not take that and he left. Before champagne had been served!”

I must admit that the entire conversation made me feel slightly ill, and if it had not been for the beautiful body of this mysterious woman, I would have left the room before these people would laugh at me like they did at poor Mister Jenkinson. But my curiosity was great enough to keep me there. What was going to happen next? The door to the adjoining room opened and a very young manservant announced that dinner was served.

“Don't you want to offer me your arm?” asked the lady.

A slight shiver ran up and down my spine. It seemed that she had a special ability to detect this because she looked up at me with a passionate gleam in her eyes, pressing her bosom against my arm at the same time. I sat next to her during dinner and her blockhead husband was sitting opposite us. Now and then I noticed her leg pressing against mine and some of her warmth rubbed off on me. Besides, I was still very curious. And when she poured me a glass of wine, she did it in such a way that I had an extremely good view of the hairs in her armpit. When she did that it is possible that some ardor was shining in my eyes, because she turned rather abruptly toward me, handing me my glass and now I could freely look under both!

“See, isn't she beautiful when she raises her arms!” was her husband's exclamation.

I would have loved to go for his throat, but she pushed me with her well-rounded shoulder and laughed, “Oh that man! But he is sort of nice, don't you agree?”

After we had finished our supper, the man left the room for a moment. She grabbed my hand and said, “I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, 'Thank God, he has left!' But you are doing him a great injustice. He can stay here and watch. It should be no reason for us to be ashamed.”

I just stared at her and couldn't think of anything to say. She thought it was very funny …

“If you are an Austrian, then you must have met lots of women?”

“Is that so obvious?”

“Oh, I am sure. One can talk about everything with Austrians, and it is not necessary to pretend!”

She suddenly got up, quickly pressed her upper arms against my lips and went into the room where we had sat before. She stretched out on the sofa and said, “Quickly, come here and sit down next to me!”

I noticed that one of her thin shoulder straps had loosened itself somehow and that now her bosom seemed even fuller and peeked through her gown.

“My husband is only going to get some more champagne. Ah, I am so giddy, I just love it, I am ready to do about anything.”

She laughed out loud and stretched her arms. At the same time she smiled very invitingly at me. I was beginning to get slightly horny; the quiet life I had led for the past several weeks became noticeable. And, oh, those little blonde hairs in her armpits! She noticed that I had no desire to talk. She looked at me penetratingly and called out, “Well, why don't you come over here!”

She took my arms and pulled me down toward her, suddenly my face was buried in her shoulder. She put her arms around me.

“I wish that we could have some fun!” she said. “My dear husband likes some fun, too, but all these young people are so terribly dumb.

Why don't you kiss me? Please, kiss me. I give you my full permission.”

She pulled up her knee and I could feel it press against my back.

“But what if your husband comes back?”

“Well, so what?”

Without loosening her hold on me she raised her upper body and called out, “Hugo! The champagne, please!”

The next moment, the old man walked in from the other room with an ice bucket and when he saw us in this compromising situation he exclaimed happily, “Ah!”

I wanted to get up quickly but she did not let go of me, on the contrary, she pulled me closer toward her and kissed me passionately.

Meanwhile the old nut had filled three glasses and happily exclaimed, “Finally, finally, a nice cozy evening!”

She held out one hand and received one glass of champagne. She handed that to me and reached out for a second one for her.

“Children, now we shall drink!”

She first toasted with me and then with her husband. I suddenly had a splendid idea. I took a sip out of my glass, pulled her black silken gown a little bit lower and emptied the contents into her cleavage. She laughed and her husband veritably howled with pleasure, “Oh, those funny Austrians!”

“I can't stay this way, I am drenched,” The beautiful woman wiggled and wound as if she were a bacchante.

“No, she can't stay that way,” seconded her husband.

She fingered around with her gown, made me hold one end of it, spun around like a top and suddenly she stood before me wearing nothing but black silken stockings!

Her husband screamed with delight and waved his champagne glass as if he were a drunken satyr. He threw off his tail coat and opened his fly. The nude woman, however, threw herself upon me, embracing me firmly. Her husband left quickly to get us another bottle.

“Drink, drink!” he hollered and filled the glasses again.

The nude woman reached for her head, loosened some pins and then she shook and her golden-blonde hair cascaded down her naked shoulders.

“But it is much too warm here,” cried the satyr, and he tried to take off my vest. I tried to avoid him. But he tore off his own shirt now, exposing his body, covered with gray curly hairs. Then I felt the beautiful woman.

“Don't be a spoilsport. Take off your clothes; you haven't even looked at me.” But she sounded happy and her laughter rang like a clear bell.

And the next moment she posed in front of me, stretching and moving her body in the most alluring and seductive positions. Then she laid down upon the carpet, opened up her thighs and stretched with her beautiful fingers the lips of her private parts.

“Look, children, isn't that beautiful!”

Her husband crouched in an easy chair, his hot eyes staring at his wife, his lower jaw slack, drooling like a horny ape, one hand fingering his limp member. She had meanwhile, crawling on all fours, sneaked up to me and tried to render me helpless by tickling the back of my knees. I buckled for just a moment, closing my eyes and before I knew what was happening I was stretched backwards upon the carpet and she had opened my trousers quick as lightning and lifted my shirt. A joyful outcry followed, “Oh, Hugo, look how beautiful!”

Her fingers caressed and played around with my member. I was lost. I turned, my eyes saw a frenzied raging woman, her face and expression were a demand for passion and lust. She let herself fall backwards, opening up invitingly and then she kept staring at me. I threw myself upon her as if I were a hungry predator. We rolled around on the carpet like maniacs. Near me I heard a barely suppressed screaming. The woman under me groaned, moaned and laughed, her body bucked convulsively …

Finally I woke up out of this wild, wild dream. The woman did not want to let me go and she clamped her legs around me, pushing up toward me, keeping me captive within her, when suddenly she relaxed and let out a never ending, “Aaaah!”

I was lying down next to her, trying to hide my face. I was ashamed and disgusted and if someone had come in and killed me, I would have been grateful. The conversation between the couple jarred me back to reality, but it also increased my disgust.

“Hugo, what did you think of that? Hugo, bring us some more champagne! Hugo!”

I arose. And then I saw this horrible old man, standing there, fully nude, except for the trousers that were hanging around his feet, jumping up and down while feverishly pulling his limp member with both hands.

“Marvelous, marvelous,” he kept calling the same word over and over again. He skipped toward the ice bucket, lifted the bottle out of it and sat down upon the cubes, starting to groan the moment he sat down as if he suddenly had an erection. His wife went over to him, kneeled in front and proffered her buttocks. Quick, quick and it was over, she grabbed the bottle, poured a glass and emptied it in one draught. She filled another one, looked up and saw that I was putting on my clothes. Infuriated, she got up and jumped at me, but, because I sidestepped her, she fell to the floor.

“What are you going to do?” she cried out.

I did not answer anything else but, “Out!” and turned away from her.

“No, no, you cannot do that, I won't let you,” she said as if she were a pouting child. And then she started to flatter me and, sidling up to me, she whispered, “My poor husband does not make you feel ashamed, does he? It is his only pleasure. All he wants to do is look at us, and isn't it far more exciting when somebody is looking at you!”

The poor wretch had gotten up out of his ice bucket and, though barely covered, he walked over to me and begged me to stay. Possibly he meant well when he said, “Ah, it is always so much nicer and different when a real gentleman does it instead of the servants. After all, a valet only does his duty!”

“You stupid ass!” screamed the woman.

That did it. Madame did not even try to keep me with her. She threw herself face down upon the sofa and pouted. I had gone into the other room and waited there till the blockhead husband came in to let me out of their apartment through a side exit. Once I was outside a shiver of disgust ran through me and I fled toward the street from whence I walked over to the hotel lobby. There I met the young servant of the fabulous couple. At first he looked at me in surprise, but then a sly smile curled around his lips when he noticed that I started to blush. I wanted to walk past him quickly but he walked up to me as if he had an important message.

“Sir, if you want me, I will gladly walk up to your room with you. I am game for anything you might desire.”

Did I understand correctly? I looked at the boy; he was blond, very young, well-built and his face was good looking and clean. He misinterpreted my staring at him because he said, “Room 8, Sir?”

I hastily answered, “No, thank you.” And I virtually ran up the stairs to my room.

I could not rid myself of the feeling that I had dirtied the memory of Marie. I surely would have found my way back into life and loving and consorting with women. But did it have to be this way, through the dirt? And the suggestion of the young servant had really topped it all! I was sad and melancholy when I walked up and down in my room. I now stood in front of the large middle window, looking out over the gigantic snow-covered mountains, shimmering in the light of the full moon.

I felt cold and I shivered.

Why couldn't I forget about the young man who had said that he was “game” for anything I might desire … anything! I imagined how he would behave together with me and the beautiful woman with her old billy goat husband. I visualized his body, tender yet muscular and very will built. Nude, next to the woman, upon her, under her, squirming on the carpet with her and the old horny bastard coming closer and closer, open mouthed and slack-jawed, drooling and with hot hands groping for the young man's well-rounded buttocks.

A hot desire painfully welled up in me and I tried to tell myself that my previous experiences would only make it natural that from now on I would never touch a woman again. I tried to convince myself that, because of the almost sacred memory of Marie, I was obliged to turn away from females. I suddenly had to think of my beautiful friend at the boarding school and I wracked my brain to make the memory more vivid.

I had become incredibly excited. If the young servant would have entered the room at that moment, I believe that I would have torn the clothes off his body and covered his naked flesh with passionate kisses. I would have implored him to teach me the delights of male relationships. I stared at the door, listened. No, he did not show up. And I was so unspeakably excited, unable to resist the demands of my body. I opened my trousers, my hand crawled toward my own naked flesh, touched and felt and the hand became more bold and insidious, it pulled out my member and the fingers started to play the game of love they used to play so long ago.

But then I stamped my feet, and shook my head. A horror for myself took hold of me … no! I'd rather have the first best whore off the streets … or … and again, like a secret missive, the other desire slipped back into my mind … or the young manservant. I left my room, just to run away from myself. I had not even turned on the light. I noticed, not without dissatisfaction, that my excitement had certain consequences, and I suddenly realized that my encounter with this Swedish nymphomaniac had not even been enough for me! I returned to my room, switched on the light, and rang for room service. When the maid entered I asked her if it was not too late to draw me a tub of water for a bath.

“No, Sir.”

“Fine, then I would like to take a bath.”

The girl hesitated before asking, “For one person … or …?”

I looked at the girl. She was of medium size, rather full-breasted and with wide hips; her nice, sun darkened face was framed by long dark curls and she had dark eyes. Without meaning anything else but a jovial remark, I answered, “Unless you want to take a bath with me.”

“Not a bath, Sir, but I will stay with you if you want me to.”

Now it was my turn to stare at her. And my passionate desires returned. I told myself very clearly: Girl or boy, as long as it is not my own hand.

“If the gentleman is willing to wait about fifteen minutes. I will have his bath prepared and … it won't be so difficult for me to enter his bathroom at such an unusual time.”

When she said that she bowed her head slightly, bit her lower lip and waited a while before she said, “It is to the right, at the end of the corridor, Sir.” And she did not move, as if expecting at least some kind of advances to be made by me. However, when I kept staring at her in utter amazement, she bowed slightly and disappeared.

What sort of a ridiculous day was it today, anyhow? Had everything and everybody gotten together in order to whip my senses? I let myself fall upon the couch and lit a cigarette. After I had tried to gather my thoughts for about ten minutes I got up again to walk over to the bathroom. I had not been able to gather my thoughts coherently, neither while I was resting on the couch nor on my way through the corridor toward my bath. There was only a certain feeling of apprehension, only a feeling of curiosity: Now what is going to happen, and what are you going to do about it?

When I entered the bathroom, the water was still running from the pipes into the white-tiled tub and a woman was dipping a thermometer into the water to check the temperature. She turned her head and asked, “Seventy-five, or more?”

“Warm,” I answered curtly.

She left me alone and I started to undress in front of the large mirror that was built into the wall. It had not happened since I had had my affair with Rita, but when I looked at myself in the mirror, standing there in the nude, I stretched my arms over my head, pressed my cheek against my right shoulder and watched my organ slowly swell and stiffen and finally erect itself. And a hot passionate desire took hold of me. I tiptoed to the door and listened. Was she about to show up? Why did she let me wait so long? She had to show up! I put on a robe and opened the door slightly. Then I heard a slight sound coming from the opposite door as if the little spyhole in it had just been closed. The next moment that door opened and a person, covered with a large bathrobe just like me, quickly walked over to me. The chambermaid. She quickly closed the door behind us and bolted it.

“Well,” she said and remained standing where she was.

I looked at her. She put down a purse and then she stepped slowly out of her robe. Standing in front of me, wearing only a very tight-fitting low-cut swimsuit with very short, short skirt, she lifted her arms high above her head and slowly turned around to grant me a good look at her. Her upper body was slightly bent and I could see her huge but nevertheless well-formed breasts. She asked, “Are you undressed?”

She seemed to take it for granted that one was supposed to be without clothes on in her presence. But this woman had something that was very distinctive, her voice was pleasant and I was not at all offended by her question. Not even when she asked me, “Do you want to get into the tub, or do you want to lie down upon the couch right now?”

I could feel my excitement increase. I just stood there, my arms hanging down the sides and I pulled in my stomach. My bathrobe came off and fell on the throwrugs that covered the tile floor of the bathroom and I just stood there, stark-naked. I heard her surprised exclamation and noticed how a delighted shiver ran through her body. Her voice was noticeably friendlier when she asked me to please make myself comfortable on the couch.

She threw her robe on the couch.

“Like this?”

And I stretched out on the couch. While doing so I wanted to grab her beautiful large breasts but she avoided me and sighed, “Please, don't.”

She reached for the leather purse and took a sponge out of it which she dipped into the tub.

“The water is very warm,” she said, bending over me, sprinkling my pubic hair and moistening my member with the sponge. She turned around and opened her leather purse again. I was looking at her backside and admiring the white, absolutely hairless legs and calves, and the gorgeous globes of her behind. I involuntarily spread out my arms and exclaimed, “Please, hurry up!”

And she did … she started to rub my pubic hairs and my organ with a perfumed soap. At first very quickly to create enough foam and then slowly, incredibly softly and excitingly. I started to groan, I bucked, but her fingers did not stop. To increase the excitement and to postpone a possible climax she would occasionally stop to tickle my belly and my chest, but she always returned to my member. She smiled at me, bit her lower lip and continually mumbled things like, “You have a beautiful body” or “Actually, I don't like a man's body, but yours …”

Sometimes she stopped completely and leaned back voluptuously. Her eyes would become large and shining. At one point it seemed as if she was about to take off her bathing costume, but she only slipped down one shoulderstrap and let one large breast hang free. I begged her to put it against my face but she shook her head and started to bite her lips again. However, she kept on soaping furiously and finally my excitement gave way to a furious release and with a sigh I let my head loll to one side. But she kept my member firmly in both hands and I could feel her tremble. Suddenly she let go of it and slipped back into her tricot suit, her breast was no longer visible. She jumped up and I could see that her face was quite distorted while she was shaking her head wildly.

“Come here, to me!” I called out, sitting up. But she backed up against the mirror that was built into the wall and kept staring at me. Her way of having sex with me had excited rather than satisfied me, so I jumped up and wanted to throw myself upon her. But she held up her hands pleadingly and said in an almost panting voice, “Oh, please, no … no man has ever possessed me … please get into the tub.” But I had already taken her hands in mine, intending to pull her toward me, when I caught the rather painful expression in her eyes. I stepped back without taking my eyes off her. She threw the sponge into the tub, quickly grabbed her robe and covered herself. “What are you doing?” I exclaimed. She wiped a few strands of hair away from her forehead and said, “I thank you, Sir, now I feel fine again,” … she smiled, “I don't think it has ever been as difficult as it was today.”

I hurried washing and cleaning myself, slipped into my bathrobe and sat down next to the girl on the couch. My physical excitement was gone and I only wanted to know about the meaning of this all, especially her almost inhuman resistance. She moved away from me, then she stood up and walked toward the door.

“Do you want to leave me now? Please stay with me … I promise that I won't bother you, Miss …” And while I was talking to her I wondered why I suddenly had become so respectful toward her. But when I noticed that this girl, who had just committed such a licentious act upon me, started to blush, I got up and politely asked her to sit down.

“There is nothing to be worried about … I promise not to try and keep you here if you want to leave,” I said, beginning to get the uncomfortable feeling that I had just attacked a respectable woman whom I had now to ask for forgiveness, “But before you do … I implore you … please explain to me …”

She looked at me for a long time and her eyes were terribly sad, then she shook her head slowly.

“Please, Sir, let me go without an explanation.”

But I kept insisting, I flattered her, and finally she was unable to resist. But she did not want to talk here.

“Please, do get dressed first… I have to put my clothes on too, because somebody may ring for me … and when you are in your room, all you have to do is to call room service.”

Without answering I pulled the bolt on the door, looked out to see that nobody was there, and I let the girl walk out. The next moment she had disappeared behind the opposite door.

About a half-hour later she was standing in front of me, wearing a black tafetta dress, a white apron and little starched cap.

“I should have known that you would not have wanted my … particular service,” she said, “till now it had only been old men who called for me. I strongly believe that one recommends me to another … they never hesitate to say what they expect me to do … it is sometimes very difficult for me to hide my disgust.”

“But, why then …”

“Nobody has ever asked that question. Why does it have to be you, Sir?”

“Maybe only because I am young, and because I feel sorry for you.”

She pressed her fists against her eyes.

“And because I do not understand how a woman like you can resist so much. You are not an iceberg.”

“Fortunately it has never been difficult for me to resist.”

“And today …?”

She gave me a hungry look and then she pressed her arms close to her body.

“I don't want to talk about it any longer. I had to force myself to remember why I started this wretched trade.”

“The goal?”

She suddenly tensed and asked, “And can you tell me any decent way that a woman can make money, much more money than just the little amount she needs to scrape by. You can believe me when I tell you that I have tried. Night after night I worked on embroidery and I made the most beautiful things that sold very well. Fine, but when a year has passed, how much money is left? No, no, there is no work that pays enough. Oh, sure, one may become the mistress of some rich man; I could have been so lucky,” she added bitterly.

Out in the corridor the bell had been ringing several times and she did not seem to notice it. But now the shrill tone seemed to penetrate.

“Somebody is calling me … do you really want to hear the rest of the story?”

She did not wait for my answer and hurried out of the room. Once I was alone I paced up and down my room like a caged animal. I was completely confused. And I could barely expect her to return. When I thought I had waited too long, I pressed the bell button, and a few minutes later she reappeared.

“I hope we will never meet again, dear Sir … I had a good position in an office in Vienna. My salary … maybe you know how little a job like that pays; but my boss, a man between sixty and seventy, devoured me with his eyes every time I came close to him. I thought I could use that when I went to ask him for a raise. I explained my miserable living conditions to him.

“'Oh, but you could earn much more, my dear child,' he said to me. I was very upset, but he laughed. Oh, no, he was not lusting after my body, he assured me, what was he supposed to do with a young body that most likely would be insatiable. And he explained to me what I had to do, and for each single one of my shameful services he would give me half my present wages. That was how I made my money … without having to surrender my body.”

“Only to make more money?” I asked, amazed.

She just looked at me, and did not answer my question.

“One day that man suddenly died, just after I had left him. I shuddered when I thought that he could have died just as easily under my hands. And believe you me, every time one of those dotards requires my service, I am trembling with fear.” It seemed as if she were fighting a shiver of disgust before she went on, “I left Vienna soon thereafter and found a position in a distinguished small hotel, because I assumed that the tips during the season would be more than the wages of working for two years in an office.” An expression of incredible harshness clouded her face when she continued, “And I was not at all disappointed. One of the guests in the hotel happened to be a friend of my late Viennese employer and, as I soon found out, he knew all about our arrangement.” She paused. “And that is how I acquired, wherever I went, a circle of regular clients, making a small fortune during the past three years.”

“And you have kept your body unspoiled and I know you are very happy,” I jeered.

She winced and turned toward the door.

“Money, money, money! That's all you women ever think about, and you're willing to do anything to get it. You would even remain an untouched virgin, if you could make enough money out of it!”

She wanted to leave. At the door she turned once more toward me, “But what do you think of it when someone who has a trade like mine wants to buy her life's happiness that way?”

“Independence with the money?”

“And possibly more,” she said bitterly, “possibly … love?”

I came toward her and wanted to grab her hand, but she backed away.

“How could you understand … how could I expect that any man would understand?”

“Is it because you are in love with a man …?”

At that moment this woman seemed so great and admirable to me, as I had never known any woman before to be. My feeling about her must have shown on my face, because she reached me her hand, “Believe me, Sir, I am flesh and blood, and once it was very difficult for me to resist, despite my love for the one I am trying to win … and that was today … after all, I am but a woman.”

This confession, in all its simplicity, yes I must use the word I hate so much, in all its chastity, shattered me completely. I brought the girl's hands to my lips. The next moment I felt her arm around my neck and a kiss was placed upon my forehead. And then I was alone.

Can this be understood. Yes, yes, by all the devils who dish out our minimum amount of happiness which God would deny us if He could, I can understand it. And I swear by everything that is human in me, and hence good, it is permissible to do it! I would adore any woman who would do such a thing, or a similar one, for me forever and ever, I would even allow her to put her feet upon my neck.

But the history of the chambermaid from the hotel in Switzerland has an ending, too. Or rather, it has one for me. And even though I must interrupt the chronology, here it is.

Two years after the experience I just wrote about I happened to meet her again. After a long absence I had arrived for a short visit to my birthplace, and I must admit that I wouldn't even want to stay there as a dead body out of fear that my many relatives would get the idea to visit my grave on All Soul's Day with fake mourning and adorn my grave with flowers to show hypocritically that they had forgiven me my missteps, while actually their entire morality consists of one simple fact: their balls have no strength. But anyway, I was visiting my birthplace and suddenly recognized the girl as one of the salesladies in a glove shop in which I had wandered to buy a pair of gloves. She recognized me immediately and she was afraid that I would give signs of recognition while we were not alone in the shop.

When the few clients had left, she looked up at me and offered her hand. And at that moment I remembered her. I did not open my mouth, but my eyes asked the question. And she told me in her simple and forthright manner which had made such a great and shattering impression upon me two years ago. It is terrible! Is the devil not even strong enough to protect his handiwork against that which so-called well-educated moralists prefer to call the wrath of God? This woman had practiced a well-paid profession (she had not even invented it, because I heard about one who was called la bette Savonaise, the beautiful soaping woman, who at the time of the Concodat satisfied the lusts of the diplomats and cardinals alike with foaming soap), and she had within a few years made enough money to deposit a bond so that she could get married to a certain young officer with whom she was deeply in love. Even though she had been poor, she did not want to become his mistress and she had worked hard to earn the money she needed to become an officer's wife. Her love for this man had been so strong that she had hesitated to run the risk of becoming a victim of her own passions. And away from her homeland, in strange hotels, she had set out to make money by satisfying the passions of strangers while keeping her own body pure.

Though her innate disgust for her profession proved to be a good companion, it often happened that the woman within her awakened and she not only longed to give but also ached to receive. Nevertheless, she never gave in to that desire. And, finally, the day arrived when she had achieved her goal. She forthwith traveled to the garrison where her groom was stationed and deposited the money required for the bond. She did not tell him where the money came from, and he believed her story that it was from an inheritance. These two people lived for one day in a dreamworld of absolute happiness. The abstinence she had been forced to practice for three full years gave way to one enormous frenzy of the senses during that night. She had given herself to that man in the full knowledge and security that she was his.

The next day she found her officer in his room with his brains blown out; in his extreme happiness and after a full night and day of cavorting, he had gone into the officer's casino to gamble a little bit. He had lost control of the situation and gambled away her entire dowry. That had been a year ago, and now she was a saleslady in this glove shop of my hometown. And she had become respectable. She had become pregnant but she did not want to give birth to the child. She told this to me, visibly shaken, but without passion and without the pretense of suffering.

We shook hands quietly and I left. I have never seen her since, but that may be because I went out into the world again soon thereafter. But doesn't it sound to you as if the devil had lost all sense of humor?

After this entire day of incredible experiences, I had no desire to remain in that hotel any longer. Especially when I found out that the Swedish redhead and her tottering husband had left the hotel as if in flight, I decided that I, too, had no desire to remain. I went to Zurich.

Chapter Five. I TAKE A MISTRESS, RENEW AN ACQUAINTANCE, AND FIND SUCCESS

I had arrived in Zurich and found myself with nothing to do. Out of sheer boredom I decided to become an author. I wrote — truth and fantasy skillfully mixed together — a novel about my mother. And I was quite successful because its appearance in my homeland was greeted with a book burning and its further publication was forbidden.

While I was writing my novel I became acquainted with a very nice lady, the wife of a public official. She was suffering terribly from both moral restrictions and her husband's inability. When I met her, she had just bidden farewell to her last lover. She admitted that quite calmly and when I asked her, “When will you say good-bye to me?” she answered with a sweet smile, “How do I know now what I will feel for you tomorrow?”

I liked that answer and she became my mistress. I must admit, to do her full justice, that she was the most accommodating mistress I have ever had. Every morning between nine and ten she visited me at my apartment. Fortunately, it was easy for her to come and see me without fear of detection, and moreover I had given her a key to the front door. Usually I was still in bed that early in the morning and I had grown accustomed to waiting for the moment when she would peek around the door to my bedroom with her poodle hairdo and call out, “I am not here to say good-bye to you!”

Whenever she was later a certain uneasiness would well up in me … she has given me her silent farewell. I was neither very sad nor truly upset when this thought would occur to me. “One of these days she will stay away and I will have to go out and look for another one. I am sure there are women enough who are available for a little changing of partners. After all, they love to do it.”

And then, when she showed up after all, everything would be fine. She had the habit of lifting her skirt and petticoat the moment she entered the room and, since it was easier for her not to wear any other undergarments at all, I was afforded a good look at her firm thighs and a small portion of her belly. She then undulated toward my bed and, as first part of the ritual, I had to kiss her mound of shame.

She would then undress as quickly as a little monkey and the real kissing would get underway. First the mouth, which lasted for a long time, thereupon eyes and throat. She would become very excited and by the time I had reached her ears she would twitter like a little bird, try to escape me and immediately turn her other ear toward my lips. Next her bosom. It was very firm and small, “A handful is enough, anything more is strictly for the pigs,” is a saying of my countrymen with which I do not entirely agree. By the time I started to kiss the nipples of her breasts she would completely relax and sink next to me on the bed; once I had reached her inner thighs, her entire body would shudder and shake.

That is how it all usually was done. Sometimes she would lie down immediately, especially after she had had an exceptionally exciting dream. And when the sacrifice had been made she would invariably turn her little round behind toward me and I had to give it a firm smack. “You know, I always pretend that my husband hits me, and then the whole affair is all right.”

I asked her once why she was unfaithful to her husband, if she suffered every day again from pangs of conscience.

“It has to be that way,” she countered, “because he comes to me every Saturday and he says that that is enough … you know what happens at our place on Saturdays?” She laughed like an excited schoolgirl. “Do you believe that my husband has never seen me naked? And my body is surely beautiful, but he has not once, not even in pitch dark, stretched out his hands and touched it. Well, anyhow, on Saturdays we go to the theater and afterwards we visit a restaurant. He orders half a bottle of red wine and drinks it. His face will become more and more serious and he starts pressing his knees together. That is a sure sign. I know he has not forgotten that it is Saturday. And, after about a half-hour, he will say, 'Well!' That's all. Nothing else. And we leave.

“On the way home we don't talk, probably because that would make his desire disappear. Another fifteen minutes and we are in bed, in our pitch dark bedroom and I hear him say again, 'Well!' Of course, sometimes it takes a little longer before he utters this invitation, because sometimes it takes him simply a little longer to get an erection. I have to giggle, and I am on my back, tickling myself with my fingers. And then … put, put, put … and he's ready and crawls, without even kissing me, back into his own bed. And with the same regularity he tells me, 'The preventative is not torn, but I think it is better when you take a douche. Good night!'

“So you see, those are my nights of love … the Saturday nights. Oh, in the beginning they were terrible, because I had nothing else and I would often think that I would die out of sheer misery. I never became passionate till after he was ready. So, I started out with my fingers and later on with a candle. And later on, I became a little bit smarter. At a girl friend's house I saw one of those rubber things.

She put it on, rubbed it with some oil and then … my God, was that ever an experience. And then, when she became tired of it, I assumed the role of the man. I went to see her as often as I could, but one Saturday I had spent the entire afternoon with her till I was sore inside and out. I could have done without my husband's put-put-put that night. But finally that playing around with the rubber thing was no longer pleasant. It did not give me the satisfaction I wanted. So I thought: To hell with all this so-called decency, and I took a lover. After all, the natural thing is still the best, and I can't help myself, I have to have what I need.”

And, I'm sure, that's what the little one has always had. Before me and since me and, if she's still alive, which I fervently hope though she must be a matron by now, for all I know she is still having it. She did not, like Rita for instance, belong to the unsatiable ones, though she did have one thing in common with Rita: her delight in her own nudity.

Once she told me happily: “You know what? Tomorrow I can spend the entire day with you. Be sure to have some cold cuts and candies, will you?”

It must have sounded terribly ungrateful and coarse when I did not seem enthusiastic at all by asking with surprise, “All day?”

She pouted a little. The poor thing had so much enjoyed the prospect. Her husband had to go to some convention or other and she had already given the maid a day's leave. I took her into my arms and said, “But of course, darling, don't be so disappointed, tomorrow you'll be with me all day and I'll simply postpone my work till the day after tomorrow.”

“You mean you have to work?”

I told her that at the moment I was working on a theatrical play. It was my first play, by far my most outspoken one, but the only one which had not been attacked by a howling mob of moralists, mainly because nobody had ever produced it.

She embraced me, kissed me and clapped her hands like a little excited girl. She was happy to find out that I had a profession, and especially the one I had. “I will stay with you, you will have to read passages to me and you will also have to do some work on it. I want to be your muse!” she exclaimed while turning a pirouette. Doing that, she had excited me so greatly that I did not want her to go yet. But she was very firm about it and said, “No, not today … tomorrow!”

And she walked away.

The next day was more than just charming. She arrived at her regular time and was very carefully dressed. I was still in bed, waiting for her, as usual. But this time she did not lift her skirt when she closed the door and she also did not undulate up to the bed. Instead she exclaimed happily, “Mister poet, why don't you get up and wash your face while I fix your breakfast in the other room!”

She hurried over to me, gave me a quick kiss and whispered in my ear, “But you don't have to put your clothes on.”

And she disappeared.

When I walked into the adjoining room, I noticed that the curtains were drawn and the lights on. The table was set and next to it, on its iron stand, stood the samovar. Only I did not see my little one. Suddenly she called out, “Peek-a-boo!” Her poodle hairdo came from under the table and the next moment she was in my arms, as naked as I was. I was extremely passionate but she did not want it yet.

“First our breakfast!”

She pressed herself against me, her body quivered with desire … I tried to master her, but she tore herself loose and started to pour tea.

“First our tea, that will make us even hotter!” she said, panting heavily.

Breakfast did not take long, what followed took considerably longer. She had hauled all the heavy feather blankets and pillows out of the bedroom and we threw ourselves upon them. We did not leave much time for kissing, but that day, for the first time since Marie, I found woman again.

And then my little one said, “So, and now you are going to read to me, aren't you?”

She nestled herself, nude as she was, in one of the easy chairs and I had to sit down on one of the stools, and read to her from my manuscript. She experienced so vividly what I was reading to her that her thighs became rather moist and now and then she would dip a finger in her little triangle. It made a deep impression upon me. I kissed her fingers, her lips and her little triangle, but she pooh-poohed me and said, “What are you doing, lips are for being kissed, down below is reserved for something else … please, read on.”

And, really, she allowed me to conquer her again only after I had finished reading.

Then we ate the nice things that I had bought the previous afternoon and took with our lips the morsels from one another's mouth. She did not allow me any other extravaganzas, even though I would have been capable of almost anything now that my usual vigor and desire had fully returned. She really was only a very unspoiled and naturally sensitive woman. We rolled around once more on the feather blankets and then we fell asleep, holding each other closely, our lips welded together.

She insisted that I should work in the afternoon. She sat down upon my desk, wholly nude, spread her legs apart, giving me a beautiful view of her love-nest. My manuscript was between her thighs and I managed to write a full scene that way. There were, indeed, a few interruptions. I kissed her thighs, her belly or I took her poodle head between my hands and let my tongue explore her mouth. Once there was a larger interruption which made her very, very happy “because it lasts longer when you do it for the third or fourth time,” as she naively put it.

She made me laugh when she was ready to leave. She was such a true housewife, because she carefully put my entire home in order. And she kissed the sheets while she was making my bed, “Whoever could stay with you in them forever …” she whispered and I noticed that her eyes became moist. But she straightened herself and managed a smile. “Don't pay any attention to me. Whenever I have as much as I had today, I become very sentimental.” She fondled and caressed me, softly, the way a mother caresses her baby. She suddenly stopped and looked at me very seriously.

“Do you know what suddenly occurs to me? The way it was today must be the last time.”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you going to be sad?”

“About what?”

“Now, look … more beautiful than beautiful is impossible, right? The best that could happen to us is that a day like today would repeat itself. As long as you have never reached the top there is always the expectation. One waits for the big day like I have waited for this one. But now it is over …”

“And now you believe you have to look for new expectations … in the arms of someone else?”

She embraced me and the poodle hairdo was against my chest, her eyes looking up at me. “You will make many girls happy. Anyhow, we have possessed each other!”

She went toward the door, turned around and impishly winked at me to come closer. But her words had upset me and I hesitated. She looked very surprised and said, “Do you want me once more?” starting to unbutton her white silken blouse.

I shook my head. Now it was her turn to be surprised and she ran out of the apartment.

The next morning, when I awoke, my little one was sitting at the edge of my bed, naked as a jaybird. I had not heard her come into the apartment, and I also did not wake up while she was taking off her clothes in my bedroom. She threw herself upon me and kissed like a maniac. After about an hour she quickly dressed and left.

At the breakfast table which she, as usual, had set, I found the key to my rooms and a handwritten note:

“You spurned me yesterday and I could not stand the idea. But in the meantime I have betrayed you, too. Last night. I was so passionate, I had to do it.

“You won't be alone for long, about that I am sure. Just look for someone who is as pretty as I am. And especially, look for someone who is healthy. By the way, you don't have to worry, the one I had last night was definitely healthy, too.”

That was the end of the affair.

I cannot honestly say that I was deeply hurt, but it had been a very pleasant habit. It used to be so nice to wake up every morning and have the little one at my side. And it was rather handy, too. Really, I was thinking all morning about how I was going to do it from now on.

I started my little walks again, something which had not happened for quite some time. In the afternoon I made a mistake, walked into the wrong restaurant and had such a miserable meal that I made up my mind immediately to leave Switzerland.

Since I had no other visits scheduled than a call on my first publisher, I could make all travel arrangements very quickly. While I was doing this I had to admit to myself that every time an affair with some woman was ended, I packed up bag and baggage and left. Actually I think it is quite normal. Not because a trip soothes the “pain,” but simply because a change of towns makes it less possible to run into a former mistress with all the resultant little embarrassments. This slight feeling of embarrassment has really never left me, though it is not as strong as it used to be.

Anyhow, I went to Munich.

One of the first evenings in the new town, I was sitting in the Peterhof, where a Viennese Ladies' Orchestra was giving a concert. The lady conductor was a young girl, a blonde with rather angular movements and a pale face. The pianist was a stocky older man, obviously the slave owner of these eight to ten girls. I saw that man for the first time that evening but I hated him immediately. I started paying attention to him when I noticed that he reproached one of the girls, a violin player, rather abruptly — it was the first time I noticed her — by hissing at her, “Flirting is all these women can do; their music is plain shit.”

And then I noticed that the girl was staring in my direction. She was neither young nor especially beautiful, rather thin, but her breasts were remarkably large. I knew at once that I had seen her before but could not place her at all. She must have noticed that I was thinking deeply but she, too, did not seem to trust her memory and she made no attempt at contacting me. I went to the back of the hall and, calling one of the flower girls, bought a handful of red roses, asking the girl to bring them to the violin player with the message if we had not previously met somewhere. The flower girl returned with the following message, “I should only tell you Olga and piano lessons,” and she also mentioned the name of my home town.

But naturally! Now I remembered. My piano teacher Miss Olga who rewarded my fingering the keys with her fingering me! And then she had to leave suddenly because she had gotten ill or something. Without thinking that I might cause her to be embarrassed, I walked toward the podium and shook hands with her. The poor girl turned deep red but I noticed that she was overjoyed. To appease the slave driver, I asked him to play Blue Danube and put a gold piece on his piano. The man positively sniveled with servility. I made a date with Olga to get together after the concert. I was rather quiet when I returned to my table because meeting her caused a lot of memories to come back to me which made me sort of sad, mainly because I thought about how much I had experienced and how young I still was and Lord knows how much I had yet to learn.

The flower girl walked up to my table and gave me the message that Miss Olga would await me right after the concert, ready to leave whenever I wanted, at the last table on the right. I really became excited and sort of nervous; I was finally getting together with the girl who had made love to me when I was still a little boy. I had to smile at the thought that I was actually only acquainted with her hand. But I was also glad that I had an adventure ahead of me without really having looked for one.

From where I sat I could easily see the table which the flower girl had indicated. In her dark street clothes Olga looked even slimmer and more large-bosomed than she did up on the stage. And her face really was no longer not very pretty. Possibly it was because I happened to have reached the stage where almost every woman turns into a Helen. But Olga was not alone. She was with a girl that had a wonderful profile, smaller than her and with a better figure. Definitely not a member of the musical team, because I would have noticed her instantly.

When I got up to walk over to their table, Olga arose also. She had noticed me and walked rapidly toward me. “Oh, my sweet little laddy,” she whispered when she took my hands, and we smiled knowingly at each other as if the years between had never happened.

“Do you want to go to the park?”

“Don't you want to go somewhere else? But you're not alone.” I turned toward the other girl who was a lot better looking. She had a very strange but, at the same time, charmingly intriguing expression on her face.

“My friend, Cathy,” said Olga, “does not like to go into the park because all the gentlemen artists strolling around there walk up to her and don't give her a moment's rest.” She exchanged a quick glance with her girl friend and said softly, “Isn't she beautiful?”

I had a very strange feeling which I could not put into words. It was odd to meet my friend Olga after so many years, and especially at a moment when I felt rather lonely, but nevertheless, the presence of another person was not at all unwelcome. I had absolutely no objections against Cathy coming along with us.

Out in the street I had one on my left and the other on my right side. We walked toward a certain street which had a small but very renowned little tavern. “Exquisite and very expensive,” said Cathy, looking at me as if this disclosure might scare me off. But Olga immediately countered with “Oh, laddy, laddy, we've got it!”

I would have loved to ask at that point what it was supposed to be they had in mind. But I had the feeling that something special was about to happen and I also darkly suspected that someone in the know would not have asked such a question. And since I did not want to be taken for an ignoramus, I decided to keep my mouth shut. The small, very renowned, little, exquisite and very expensive tavern also was rather cheap and common. A long corridor with cheap reproductions in even cheaper frames and a lot of doors on either side. Obviously toward the separate chambers. A Jewish waiter with a white towel around his waist, pretending to be Viennese, asked with a leering smile what my pleasure would be. I did not like his urgent confidence at all and was rather flustered till Olga advised me to take three rooms. So, I took three rooms. The miserable waiter grinned and said, “You can have more, you can have 'em all … there ain't nobody here!”

The rooms looked as shabby as some of the front rooms in one of those streets in Vienna where the lowest females ply their trade and where I once used to make a furtive visit or two.

I forced myself to be gay and happy, argued with the waiter who had brought us the wine list and finally threw him out of the room. Olga laughed. She embraced me and tried to make a whirl around the room with me. “Don't be jealous at him,” she called out to her friend. “He is my very own sweet little laddy! It's because of him that I became pregnant, when he was about eleven or twelve years old, right? — Oh, but of course, you couldn't know about that. Jesus, I was always so damned excited after our piano lessons that one day I couldn't stand it any longer and I went to bed with my older brother. And, boom … it happened right then and there.” She threw off her jacket and lifted her remarkably large breasts with both hands, “And ever since, these have been pretty big. Remember, laddy, when you used to press your face against them … always your little nose on my titties.”

Cathy had taken a seat on the large sofa which stood in the corner of the room and it seemed as if she did not notice us. But suddenly she asked, “Aren't I a little bit superfluous?”

Olga walked over to her and took her face in both hands, “Don't be silly,” she exclaimed laughingly. “He does not take anything away from you. Aw, come on, Cathy, be nice!” And she took the girl by the ankles, threw her quickly backwards upon the sofa. Then she leaned over the girl and kissed Cathy till the girl started to groan. “He won't take me away from you,” she repeated.

They separated quickly when someone knocked on the door. The waiter brought in the ice bucket and a tray. He turned around just before he left and said with a leering smirk, “If you need any help, I recommend myself highly.” I could not even smile about this insolence. As a matter of fact, I was rather out of whatever mood I had been in, completely. If I had not been ashamed in front of the girls, I think I would have left. I noticed that the two girl friends were in a heated whispering conversation and Cathy seemed to disagree violently with something.

“Oh, come on, you only live once,” Olga exclaimed and poured herself a full glass. “Here we go … to you and you!” She emptied the miserable foaming wine in one gulp and turned around to me. “Hurry, laddy, order two more buckets before we get going and then the waiter won't have to disturb us!”

She rang herself. The waiter brought her order. Olga locked the doors to the three rooms and when she walked up to me again, she had opened the buttons of her blouse. She stretched out her arms and her breasts slowly popped out of their imprisonment. Cathy stared at them as if hypnotized. Suddenly she jumped up and started to nibble on them furiously till Olga groaned and cried out voluptuously. Both disrobed in no time and soon they were only wearing their petticoats. “Come here, laddy,” Olga called to me. “Come on over here and look how sweet she is,” and she lifted the other's petticoat.

I must admit that those were the most beautiful legs and thighs I had ever seen. Furiously, Cathy tried to cover them. She looked at me and a dark red flooded her face.

“Jesus, isn't she cute? Look at her, she's blushing,” Olga cried. Then she grabbed me and started to tug at my clothes, pulling off my jacket, and whispering, “It's getting too hot in here.”

I told myself very clearly that, since I had gotten this far, I should not be a spoilsport. I might as well take the dive, even if it were kneedeep into the mud. I threw off my clothes. Since my affair with little poodle-head in Switzerland I had learned to enjoy nudity and soon the three of us threw off our last item of clothing. Olga cried out with sheer pleasure. Cathy grabbed hold of her. But I embraced the two of them and led them toward the sofa where I started to tickle them. I suddenly noticed to my horror that Cathy had a member! She was a hermaphrodite with an enormous tickler and she had an erection as if she had a penis.

“Look, laddy,” Olga groaned as she turned on her back, spreading her thighs widely, making the poor old sofa creak and groan.

Cathy seemed totally oblivious to my presence. Her eyes were glazed, her entire body quivered and she allowed Olga to tug and pull her till she was positioned on top of Olga. It seemed as if she had lost all willpower. Olga lifted up her enormous breasts toward Cathy's face. The girl let her face fall down upon them. Suddenly, crying out so loud that I jumped, she grabbed the large, rather welkin breasts with both hands, held on to them and licked, bit and sucked them furiously. Judging by Olga's moans and groans, it seemed that the hermaphrodite had succeeded in penetrating Olga with her erect tickler. And, indeed, Cathy moved up and down like a man.

“And you, you,” Olga moaned at me, “come, laddy, come.”

And the other one's breath started to pant and cough, quicker and quicker till she collapsed with a painful whimpering, without any strength left, completely lifeless. Olga embraced her and caressed her and talked to her as if she were a little baby.

Curious, and even today I cannot fully understand this sort of behavior. At first I just looked as if the whole affair was none of my business, then I had to stifle a completely involuntary laughing fit, and finally I started to get sick. I was still sitting without moving in the creaky old club chair when the two girls regained their composure and started all over again to find their pleasure in each other. They kissed each other loudly and finally one turned around on top of the other and they worked each others private parts with their tongues. Without the girls noticing it, I took my clothing and went into the other room, dressed quietly, put a hundred-mark bill on the table and quietly opened the door, sneaking into the narrow corridor with its horrible pictures. The miserable waiter had been listening on the middle door to the groaning and moaning which again was reaching a fever pitch. He raised an eyebrow but presented me with the bill, which I quickly paid and a minute later was standing in the street, breathing freely.

I felt as if I could never touch another woman again and not only did I feel miserable at that moment but also for the next few hours and the entire next day.

I gave up my intentions to stay in Munich for any prolonged period of time. I decided to leave as soon as possible.

My few remaining days in Munich were spent mainly with avoiding beer halls and pubs. I found a small hotel where I put the finishing touches on my play. Occasionally I spent a few hours in an art gallery or I went to see a church. The day before my departure from Munich I had a little experience in Saint Peter's Church. I loved this monumental building and had already been in it three times. That particular day I longed to see it once more before I left Munich …

In passing the front door I had noticed a girl's head to my right, though I really did not pay too much attention. The thought of female company still did not give me any pleasure.

I went into the church and was soon completely under the spell of this fabulous monument. I did not know whether anyone else besides me dwelled in the House of the Lord, but about ten minutes after I had entered, the same girl was standing next to me and it was obvious that she was trying to attract my attention. It is possible that, absentmindedly, I looked at her longer than one normally looks at another person, though I swear that my gaze was quite unintentional. She asked, “Did you go up in the choir loft yet? There are stairs …”

I was flabbergasted. “If you want me to, I will show you the way … and if you're nice, I'll show you much more,” she added boldly, lifting her gray skirts so high that I could see her stockings. The look on my face must have registered utter surprise. “There is nothing to be afraid of upstairs … nobody ever gets up there, and if you don't feel safe, we can always lock the door. We can save ourselves the cost of a hotel room.”

She went up the stairs to the choir loft and lifted her skirt so high that I could see her thighs and her belly. “Well, come on, what are you waiting for!” she called impatiently. I don't know what came over me at that particular moment, but I walked over to her, quite calmly, and spat squarely between her legs on her belly, turned around and quietly walked out of the church, the whore whose “femininity” had been insulted belching the meanest gutter-words from the choir.

I told myself that I had had enough. I said, as long as you can't find anything decent, leave the people alone and don't mix with them. But I knew that my desire for female company had become quite overwhelming. I would have leaped with joy if I would have met Rita that particular evening and the thought of Marie … I thought quite often about her … made my knees buckle. That night I did not go back to my hotel, because I had become afraid to be alone with myself.

It must have been around two o'clock in the morning when I was in a well-known artist's cafe, sitting in a quiet corner and working on a small novel I intended to have published as soon as possible.

Then a waitress walked over to my table and asked if I was not the author so and so, and she named my name.

I turned as red as a beet* Author! I felt completely exposed. I was embarrassed, and thus I said, “No!”

If it is really true that one must lose all inhibitions before one can become a true artist … well, I'll probably never become a true artist.

Isn't it really only inhibition which prevents me from putting my name on this manuscript? I know many who would love to brag that they had written it. Perhaps they should be envied.

Soon the waitress walked over to my corner again, this time to announce that I must be mistaken, because indeed I was the gentleman in question. And she handed me a letter. A pale-pink envelope, addressed in pencil and the handwriting was without any particular character, difficult to decide whether written by a man or a woman.

The waitress noticed my reluctance. She obviously was a woman of experience. She said, “If you write plays, don't be stupid and take this letter. She can help you and she can harm you anyway she wants. And if you don't need the theater then you can always tell her to go and get ….” She suddenly started to laugh without finishing her beautiful sentence, saying, “Oh, well, that's what she likes best anyway!”

I had not yet been hardened enough in the art of making blunt remarks not to be slightly upset. I knew that I had correctly guessed the essence of the expression, though I could not believe that such a thing was possible in Munich.

Finally I convinced myself that there may be something which I did not know about and which bore investigating (I was still young then, and considered myself fully matured in sexual matters, though in reality I had not experienced a thing). I opened the letter. Yes, there was something new! The letter was signed by a very famous actress of that time and it read,

“My dear, beautiful Sir:

I know you. Anton (and here followed the name of a famous journalist), who knows everybody, has assured me that you are an author. He even thinks you have talent and that old pig usually can never find a good word for anybody. But I've known your name for a long time because your father was one of my best friends when I was still an actress in your hometown. As a matter of fact, remembering your father right now has made me so hot and bothered that I would love to tear the clothes off your back right here and now. From where I am sitting I have an excellent view of your nice and muscular behind. Oh boy, I wish I could bury my face between its nice cheeks and bury my tongue way up your little bunghole. Why don't you come over to our table, I bet you have never experienced a thing like that. You don't have to do anything, I will do it all. Come directly over to my table and afterward we will go to my home for the experience of your life.”

I read the letter three times.

She had signed that letter with her full name!

I remembered the name, though today I can no longer recall it, as one of the most famous actresses and, once upon a time, the treasure of my hometown. And she had written a letter like this? She once was one of my father's best friends? I must admit that I had become somewhat curious. At least I had to see the woman. I arose, and at the same time a raucous female voice from the other side of the cafe penetrated the whole room. I saw a large and stately lady walk toward me, her expensive clothes slightly disheveled and her reddish countenance betrayed the fact that she was not entirely sober. “I thought I'd pick you up myself so that I don't have to send that damned waitress over here again.”

She offered me her hand which was covered with a glove that reached above her elbow and which was not entirely clean.

When I hesitated, she simply grabbed my hand.

“You've got to sit down before I can grope you.”

I resisted. Suddenly she became quite excited and almost shouted at me, “Don't be so goddamn stupid, or I'll make such a noise that everybody will come over here to look at what's going on.”

After the first impression that she made upon me I did not doubt for one moment that she would not carry out that threat, and since I had no desire for a scandal, I sat down. It was bad enough that I had been recognized. She tugged at me and soon I sat next to her. Another lady, and a few gentlemen to whom I was introduced (one of them was a very famous author who only came to Munich to get dead drunk on beer) occupied the same table. When the actress told the author that I also was a writer, he asked me, “Are you professional or do you just write for fun? Excuse me my ignorance, dear Sir, but as a matter of principle I refuse to read the shit the others pour out; I have enough trouble with my own!”

The other gentleman and the two ladies laughed out loud and called the author a character. But the actress used the interruption to squeeze my thighs with the one hand she had slipped under the table, whispering, “Open the two first buttons so I can get inside.” When I did no such thing, she tried to do it herself. It seemed to excite her terribly, because she suddenly bit me on the upper arm. The author had not missed a thing, because he suddenly said, “Oh God, the old pig is horny again!” and turning toward me, he asked, “Doesn't she make you puke?”

I must admit that I felt rather uneasy, but on the other hand I was also very curious. I did not resist when she let her hand wander around till it had found my member, and when she did find it she pressed herself against me and groaned out loudly. I really became meaner than I had ever been before in my life and I talked to her as if I were her pimp. But that seemed to excite her even more. She tried to wriggle her other hand under my behind, and when she finally succeeded she stuck her middle finger up my rear. That finally became too much for me to bear and I started to get up. The author, who had become very drunk, blurted, “Finally he's getting smart … 'Tis much better that the two of you finish that at home … but, beware, my boy, don't let her bite it off, I know that slut and she wants to take everything in her big mouth.”

I paid my check as fast as I could but I was not fast enough, because ere I had reached the exit, the actress was at my side again. “Oh, why didn't we stay a while longer,” and without any shame she put her arm around my middle. I finally decided that the time had come to inform the lady that I had no intentions whatsoever of continuing our acquaintance and she started to scream like a fishwife.

No, I beg indulgence from all fishwives, she sounded more like a lowdown whore in a cheap brandy fit. I fled into the nearest hansom and offered the coachman twice the fare if he could get me out of there as fast as possible. He turned around and said, “I see she's drunk again.”

I could still hear her voice when the cab turned around the corner, “You wanna be an author: hah, piss on you … bastard!” I had to smile when I entered the hotel, because in the lobby hung a life-size portrait poster of the lady, billing her as Ophelia.

The next morning I left Munich.

Chapter Six. LOTTE AND ELLY

After the repulsive experiences in Munich, I was glad to discover in Salzburg that the curiosity, delight and satisfaction which the opposite sex afforded me had not altogether left me. Absolutely contrary to my original intentions, I decided to settle in that nice town. I rented a small home outside the city limits, where it isn't even Salzburg any longer and, if it weren't for the greatest and also most painful experience of my life, I would have spent the rest of my days in Salzburg and most likely my history would not have ended as miserably as it did.

Out there, in Heilbronn, during one of my long walks, I met a girl. She was not young; deep in her twenties I guess, but she was peculiarly attractive and charming. Well built and slim, her face framed with an abundance of golden hair, she walked toward me. I stopped and stared. She noticed it and a slight blush spread across her cheeks. She instantly awakened that desire in me which a certain type of woman brings out.

It is something of a light hypnosis. I kept looking as she walked past me, then I slowly turned around and followed her hesitantly. I had the distinct feeling that she wanted me to start talking to her. I passed her twice and finally, the third time around, I gathered the courage to start a conversation. I felt terribly silly and was as gangling as a high school boy, because once I had brought up the courage to talk, I no longer could find the proper words to say anything. My eyes tried to penetrate her clothing and I became terribly excited. I felt as if I had to attack this woman from behind and simply rape her. I had never felt this way before around a fully dressed female. It is possible that her particular odor was driving me slowly out of my mind.

But fortunately, something of the civilized male in me prevented me from acting out my primeval urges and I forced myself not to do what I wanted to do, so as not to spoil any future chances. Since my excitement prevented me from taking one more step, I remained fixed at the same spot without letting her out of my sight for one single second. It seemed that my gaze was holding her firmly, because she slowed down her pace, too, and finally she also stood still. But that had evidently nothing to do with me. I noticed that another young woman had approached us from the opposite direction, her absolute mirror image, slightly younger and instead of golden hair, her beautiful face was framed in ebony curls. A few moments later the two were standing together, holding hands. I noticed that the dark one looked in my direction, making it obvious that they had talked about me. I cannot remember exactly how it happened, but the next moment I was standing with the two girls.

I excused myself for anything which might have brought on the displeasure of the blonde girl.

The three of us continued our walk.

They were sisters, the daughters of a retired high-ranking officer.

We talked about everything. Their ways of speech were so charming and soft, they were so cuddly, and the perfume they exuded was so intoxicating that I was walking as if in a dream. I gathered enough courage to tell them this and also to offer the blonde one my right arm. I felt counterpressure. She also whispered into my ear, “My sister and I are quite inseparable.” So I offered my left arm to the dark-haired one and she cuddled up to me on the other side. I saw her look at the blonde with a smile that looked like a silent question.

Meanwhile it had become dark and it was obvious that our kisses had become a pressing obligation. They invited me to their home because Papa was visiting the captain of the garrison anyway and would not be home till midnight. That was the moment to become quite honest, “It would be impossible for me to contain myself; I would be driven out of my mind, and I surely could not guarantee my best behavior.”

Each pressed their bosom against one of my sides and they whispered in unison, “Neither can we!” The blonde's hand trailed downward and I felt her touch just at the spot where my passion was hottest and her breathing was so deep that it sounded like a sigh.

“Of course, today it will have to be like it happened in that play of yours …” said the dark one.

“The novel, silly …” corrected the blonde. “Yes, yes … the lady takes the young man whom she met on the street into her home, the man was at his club, and …”

I embraced both girls.

“But children, before he left, leaning against the door through which her husband could enter at any time, he took her and …”

Kisses rained upon my face from both sides at once.

I must admit that I did a lot better than the young man in my novel.

We were sitting in the gorgeous dining room where an ardent collector had gathered the choices antiques. A forged iron chandelier lit every corner of the room. We had dinner and were served by two maids who saw to it that our goblets were never empty. The heady wines increased our passions. Then the dark one went into the adjoining salon and sat down in front of the grand piano, playing, while the blonde one leaned against my shoulder. Now and then her lips searched for mine. I unbuttoned her blouse and she exhibited a pair of the most beautiful soft white globes I had ever seen. I pressed my face against them.

She escaped my embrace, walked over to her sister and, kissing her, she exclaimed, “Lotte's bosom is much more beautiful! Look!”

The three of us started kissing each other and my fingers groped around in sheer beauty. I groaned, “Children, I cannot stand it any longer!”

Lotte forcibly freed herself, buttoned her blouse and started to play with all her might. The other one, Elly, pulled me into another room and together we fell on the floor. She embraced me fiercely, I felt her panting breath and … wow!

This moment of furtive delight was simply gorgeous, but it became even better when she pleaded with me, “Do Lotte, too!”

Sure! Lotte, too!

And afterward we gathered very chaste and properly in yet another room, sipping tea. We tried to set up plans how we could go about it in the future. We agreed that today's interlude had been mere chance and it might be a long time before we would be as lucky again. Our minds and bodies were heated, our kisses passionate and it was only the threat of their Papa's pending return as well as the presence of the maid servants we did not trust, that we did not give our imaginations and actions free reign. The girls thought it was only natural that I invite them to come over to my home. Since the previous tenant had been an artist, there was a studio and we decided that I was going to pass as a painter of their portraits. In that case the girls did not have to be embarrassed when they visited me.

After I had left their home, on my way to the closest cabstand, I was overcome by an insatiable desire to view a nude body. My imagination had shown me profusely what I could not see from my two girl friends. Naked flesh is what I wanted to see and feel and smell. Oh, what pity that I could not have taken the girls along to my home. I walked up and down all the familiar little streets and measured every female I met. One of them smiled at me. She was heavily made-up and her breasts were firmly corseted. I visualized how those breasts, the moment her jacket would be unbuttoned, would dangle down to her belly in disgusting slackness. The idea revolted me and I got into the first handsom that drove by.

But, at home, I still had the wild desire to view nakedness. I turned on all the lights and drew the curtains. Thereupon I undressed completely and stood in front of the mirror. I lifted my arms and tried to look at my back, but kept staring at my member which started to swell painfully. Then I started to turn around and waltzed across the rugs that covered my rooms, my dancing becoming wilder and wilder till finally I was drenched in perspiration. I went to bed exhausted and pulled the covers over me. My breath was panting, my eyes were hot and dry, my heart hammered … finally I fell asleep.

When I woke up it was bright daylight. At first I did not fully realize where I was. Then I noticed from the alarm clock on my night-stand that it was way past nine o'clock and I lumped out of bed to discover that I was completely naked. Slowly I started to remember the bacchanalia of the previous night and I thought of the two beautiful girls who had aroused me so greatly that the mere thought of them started to stir my passions anew. I wanted to see them, smell them, feel their naked flesh against mine. Oh, why didn't they show up? Were they unaware of my desire for them?

Crazy!

I hastily readied myself and did not make breakfast. I ran out of the house. Where to? Into town, because I had to see my girls and talk to them, see them, implore them to visit me and explain to them that I would whither and die if they did not allow me to possess them fully and completely. Both of them! I felt that I had to have one in each arm and squirm myself between their hot, passionate bodies. I suddenly remember the passion of Jean Jacques for two girls who were both in love with him … a dark one and a blonde. Didn't I have the same problem?

I went into town and loitered around the girls' home. They had to come out of it sometime! Finally I had waited long enough. I decided to leave because I had to admit to myself that I would only compromise the girls by standing guard in front of their home, and then talking to them if they ever decided to go out. I returned to my own little home. When I opened the iron gate which led into my front yard, I noticed the girls talking to my gardener.

It took all the powers of my imagination and concentration, which at that time were not yet fully developed, to greet my girl friends with the required ceremony. I expressed my regrets that my studio had not yet been completed and asked them to come into my living quarters.

I had barely closed the front door and entered my large living room when both girls threw themselves upon me, embracing me passionately. Kisses are kisses, I know, but some kisses are more so and the passionate ones I had to endure made my blood course through my veins and swell my muscles. They were not at all coy, especially since we all knew why we had come together again.

I met no resistance at all when I started to undress them. Piece after piece fell to the floor till they finally stood in front of me with nothing on at all … nothing! I did not even let them wear their fine silk stockings. They stretched their bodies voluptuously and started to embrace each other, their large breasts firmly pressing against one another. There is nothing more beautiful than seeing two gorgeous nude women embrace. There is also nothing more exciting! They walked over to me and started to take off my clothes.

When they noticed that my member stretched itself full of desire, they virtually tore the remaining clothes off my body, kneeled down in front of me and covered my member with their kisses. I could not stand it any longer! I lifted the blonde in my arms and carried her towards the ottoman which was jutting from a corner into the center of my living room. But the other one did not let go of my member. Suddenly the three of us sprawled on the ottoman. At that moment I did not know who it was, whose body I penetrated. I felt a hot body under me, into which I kept poking my member wildly. But at the same time, my face was resting against a glorious behind which I could kiss and cover with love bites till I succeeded in burying my tongue deep into its love-nest. When I had spent I noticed that I was on top of the blonde and that Lotte had turned her behind toward me, bracing her sister in such a way that Elly could lick her sister's private parts.

How often I put my member and my tongue at the sisters' disposal I cannot honestly say. One thing is for sure … none of us was shortchanged. The greatest excitement I could give the girls was when I laid myself on top of one, bit the nipples of the other and went with my fingers up their beautiful behinds. And the girls taught me how I could excite the female parts with my tongue and I must admit that I thought it a quite charming pastime. I reached a sexual climax when, under the influence of my mouth, the girl's body started to quiver and quake. But I never allowed either one of the girls to take my member in her mouth. I did not mind them kissing it, especially not after it became difficult to get an erection.

That first afternoon in my home had brought the three of us so close together that we decided to become friends. Our sexual bouts had awakened our mutual spiritual love. To make it more comfortable for us I had decided to furnish the studio especially for our meetings. The wall-to-wall carpets were soft and thick, and the couches could easily be pulled together to make a large double bed. And, I also had large thick pillows. The girls had told me that delight could be increased by raising to a certain height. And that was how high the pillows were.

It is amazing that the girls did not lose one whit of their freshness and firmness — even their breasts remained full and firm — despite the regular small and large orgies we organized every Wednesday and Saturday afternoons. They took very good care of their bodies.

Of course, by that time I was very well aware of the fact that I had not been the only man in their lives with whom they had been cavorting simultaneously. And among my predecessors must have been a few who knew some very exciting tricks, because not one get-together would go by without the girls teaching me something new of which I had never dreamt before. And it was always for the three of us. My past did not bother me at all. I was in love and they loved me in turn.

Since Elly had remarked once that it ought to be incredibly exciting if we were to pee upon one another, I had decided to have the studio fully covered with a waterproof soft cloth. Why shouldn't we try and find out if there was any excitement to it?

The lukewarm fountains with which we sprayed one another excited us so greatly that we rolled around in the moisture as if possessed by the heady aroma of the female urine. When people are in love with each other, there is really nothing which is disgusting to them and hardly anything which they are not willing to do. Even though our bodies were wet with urine we kissed and licked each other incessantly and passionately. On another day, Elly wanted to try something very special for herself and me and she allowed me to plunge my member into her behind. At first we met with some difficulty but, after having used some oil it became easy. Once I had penetrated up to 'the hilt, I was in the grip of the strongest sensation I had ever had, and I needed all my power of concentration to remain calm. But Elly seemed to experience similar strong feelings, she moaned, groaned and twisted. Then I noticed that Lotte was giving her sister's little pussy a thorough workout with her tongue while I was enjoying Elly from the rear.

One thing was remarkable throughout the duration of my affair with the two sisters: neither of the two girls, nor I, ever experienced any sobering up after the act. Whenever we had reached a climax, we would start to kiss and neck all over again till either my member or my tongue, or both, would be ready for action again.

The least we did was cuddle close together and kiss. Of course, I realize that one needs the strength of youth and I don't believe that an older man of let us say, forty, would be capable of spending an entire afternoon playing the most daring games of love. But we lived our life of love and games, permeated with pure sensual pleasures, and on Wednesday eves we longed for the Saturday afternoons; the Saturday eves we looked forward to the noontime of Wednesday. And sometimes the waiting was too difficult for me and the girls, causing us to sneak in a few stolen hours from the days between.

We met frequently in public places or at someone's social gathering, and we got a secret pleasure out of being introduced formally on such occasions, pretending that we had never met before. It never happened that one of the girls came to see me alone, not even when either one of them would have their periodic troubles coinciding with our regular meeting days. Once we talked very seriously about our future together, and the girls unanimously declared that they did not think about getting married. They had proof enough that it was possible for both of them to have one and the same friend with whom they could share their sensual pleasures. But to find a man who would marry one of them and divide his sensual pleasures and duties equally with both of them presented difficulties. “How long would he be capable of making love to both of us — and there is no man alive with enough courage to ask one, two or more good-looking friends to help him out when he has become too weakened to handle us all by himself?”

Frankly I was surprised by their reasoning, which was stated as if it were the most natural thing in the world. The girls threw their naked arms around my neck and pressed their voluptuous breasts against me. Kissing me, they admitted that once they did have two lovers at the same time; as a matter of fact, it had been their first lovers and the four of them making love together had never led to any trouble at all. I must admit that the girls had less prejudices than I, because their confession gave me a feeling that I had never had before: a sort of jealousy caused by hurt vanity, a questioning of my own virility. I had fully believed the girls' assurances that they had never, never loved anybody as much as they had loved me, that they had never given themselves so completely and without any reservation, and now I suddenly discovered that behind their love for me lurked an intense desire. I could not possibly be mistaken: lovemaking with four must have been more exciting for the girls and have given the man greater satisfaction.

They noticed that I had become pensive and tried their best to dispel the impression which their confessions had made upon me with flattery and kisses. But it was impossible for me to recover the “lost innocence” of our games. I pulled the girls close to me and asked them very seriously, “But don't you want to get married?” They pressed their hot cheeks against my shoulders, embraced me tightly, but remained silent. “I am serious, I love you two, you should know that by now!” They kneeled before me, passionately covered my body with hot kisses. Then they jumped up and laughed.

Elly squatted in the middle of the studio on the rug and the gorgeous sight of her in this inviting position was so breathtaking that I forgot everything else. I could not take my eyes off her beautiful nudity. I ran toward her, kneeled next to her and kissed the tears off her cheek. I felt her tremble all over.

Suddenly she looked at me and said, “No, my friend, it would be disastrous! You are so nice. But a marriage would drive us apart. Think of the thousand and one little considerations, the innumerable slights and the many, many hurt feelings the one who is not chosen to be your wife has to undergo.

“But one does not get married for sex only!”

“No, no … I cannot leave Lotte alone, and neither can she be without me!”

I was still sitting next to Elly on the rug.

“We love you dearly,” she said, “can't you feel that? And you should love us, as long as you can …”

She suddenly pulled me toward her and threw her legs around me.

When I penetrated her deeply and with hot passion, she called out while gasping for breath, “We're for making love, not for getting married …. Lotte!”

She cried out her sister's name, and Lotte lay down next to us. Suddenly, Lotte mounted my back, facing the other way, pressing her face between my thighs and her tongue started playing with my balls. When Lotte noticed that Elly was bucking in ultimate passion, she let herself slide off my back and sought my mouth with moist, hot kisses, tonguing me, and trying to drive my passions to the utmost limit of my endurance. She forced me, however, to remain on top of Elly who was now writhing and bucking, spasming wildly, while she held Elly's legs so that I was captured completely by the latter.

Elly had become possessed and did not let go of me, even after I had come for the second time and my head was lolling on the carpet. But suddenly something happened which made me fully realize how close these two sisters actually were. Elly remarked that Lotte had not had her just share of the lovemaking. She called herself an egotist and implored her sister not to be mad at her. And when Lotte admitted that it was she who had forced me to remain inside Elly, the girl became so passionately grateful, covering her sister with kisses, that Lotte sank exhausted upon the floor.

Unfortunately my powers of recuperation were not so great that I was capable of performing again, despite Elly's ministrations to make me get another erection. When she noticed that she was singularly unsuccessful, she hollered at me, “You see, you see … you have already forgotten that you have two women; can't you imagine how it would be if you married one of us?”

She threw herself upon Lotte and embraced her passionately, caressing her body softly yet insistently, and plastering her with moist kisses; and when Lotte lifted her beautiful legs, exposing the lips of her private parts, Elly tried to stuff her breast into the love-nest, trying to rub the tickler with her erect swollen nipple. She kept staring at my member, groped at it occasionally, but my plight had been so exhausted that nothing happened at all.

Elly became frustrated. “We have to do something … can't we give her a substitute?” She pulled me down and made me lick her sister's tickler while she nuzzled her face under Lotte's behind, tickling and licking the other entrance with her tongue. Lotte groaned and cried out loud. I felt another erection coming up slowly. I pushed Elly forcefully aside. It felt as if I spent an eternity on top of Lotte and I would still have been there, unable to reach a climax, if Elly had not uninterruptedly spurred my flagging passions by licking my balls and my asshole.

Finally the three of us were so exhausted that we fell asleep and almost missed the usual hour at which the girls left the studio. But that particular day the girls were insatiable nymphs. They could not bring themselves to getting dressed. They danced naked around the room, carrying me along with them, while they were singing, “Isn't it getting hard yet, isn't it getting hard?”

Finally they left, because nothing happened. I did not think at that time that I would be able to attain erection for the rest of my life. I walked them, like I always did, toward the iron gate, kissing their hands respectfully.

When I wanted to enter my home again, the gardener walked up to me and handed me a telegram which had arrived earlier. I opened it, and its contents made me faint. I fell to the floor ere the gardener had a chance to catch me. I don't think that the message would have devastated me as much if I had not been so exhausted from the orgy. I had regained consciousness before the doctor who had been called, had arrived. By the evening of that day I was ready to travel on a long voyage which led me across France and two days later I kissed my mother's cold hands.

* * *

After the funeral, which had taken place in the free country where Mama had given up her passionate spirit, I had a nervous breakdown. I spent a long time in the care of an old, venerable doctor in the same hotel where Mama had expired.

My younger brother, who had arrived with a companion, did not move from my bedside. He became my friend during my long period of illness. He was a fine person who had inherited Mama's beauty and passion. His hands were so soft, his eyes so large and beautiful, his expression so pensive. I soon knew that in him the love of both sexes had mixed to become its own particular expression, a love which is not precisely the same as a woman's but yet its desire is for the strength only a man can offer.

He must have noticed that I had recognized it in the way I treated him. What could have happened to me, if a female had not taken possession of me at my tender age, had become second nature to him. He symbolized for me the resurrection of a Grecian youth who inflames the passions of his own sex, conquering the women who have become useless to their men. A creature of greatest perfection. We never talked about it, because I was afraid that words would not be tender enough, too harsh to express my true feelings. And he was grateful for my silence with a quiet intensity.

He made me want to get better. He consoled me with Mama's passing in a way which can neither be called motherly, nor only brotherly. During my convalescence he gave me a new lust for life as soon as he had noticed that a kiss from him made me shiver. Whenever I was moody, or when I did not want to take my medicine, he smiled and would say, “If you're not nice today, I won't kiss you.”

He has become a very happy man, an apostle of beauty.

It took months before I finally noticed the faint stirrings of a will to live within me, and it took as many weeks before I walked out into the world again. I was no longer young in mind and body, despite my relatively few years; I had become a mature man.

Chapter Seven. THE MAN

I could put this “man” between quotation marks to denote the irony of the meaning of this word. What do I care about this so-called “virility” of your “manhood.” This society has made itself a fantastic ideal of strength. As long as he is able to perform, every weakling is allowed to consider himself a giant. But the moment the ability for carnal pleasure disappears for one reason or another, and sometimes this may happen overnight, it happens frequently that a man does not become serious, but sad. And I truly believe that a sad man is the most ridiculous sight on earth.

Well, I was at the time such a man. I wrote my most stupid book, a novel drenched with melancholy, and bathed in tears. Today I know people a lot better — it's odd, but there are so few men and women — and I am no longer surprised that this particular bit of trash became my greatest best seller. I have written many more and better things since which have given me the recognition in the small circle of connoisseurs which is necessary for a creative person, but I have never had another smash like that bad book I wrote. I don't think, or hope, that I will ever have another one. But when it happened I was still blinded enough to be very proud of my “success” and I seriously believed myself to be what all these male and female morons told me I was, a great man. The success of this novel was also the reason that a theatrical producer in Vienna, who had read some of my older plays, commissioned me to write a play for him. To me, his request seemed obvious.

It was about two years after Mama's death that I returned to Vienna. I had successfully recuperated from my weakness and I also had forced myself to forget about everything that had happened prior to that sad day … I refused to think about the past. But, on the road to Vienna, several events of my life were forcibly brought back to my memory, because of the familiar surroundings, and one period above all stood out in all its glory, my year in Salzburg.

I must admit that I had a terrible longing for my two girl friends who did not know anything else but that I had been called away for an emergency two years ago. It must have been an insult to them not to hear a word from me, the man who wanted to marry one of them, for so long. It occurred to me to interrupt my voyage to Vienna, in Salzburg. I started to enjoy the idea of seeing them again, though I realized that they must have looked for, and found, a replacement for me. They simply did not belong to those people who just sit there and save it for the love of a man who takes off for several years, and they also were not the types to deny a man their bodies out of a misplaced feeling of spite. I knew them well enough for that.

I had kept my home in Salzburg by paying rent several years in advance. And it was the first place I went to. My gardener was very surprised and told me that I had changed so much that he had trouble recognizing me. Then he went on to tell me that the “ladies,” and he cocked his head, blinked his eyes and cackled knowingly, had inquired after me for several months but finally they had stayed away. He even gave me their names and the moment he noticed that my ears perked up he became more confidential. “They were no good for a fine gentleman like you … everybody in Salzburg knew about them … ooh, I tell you, Sir, about a year ago there was a real scandal with a married man about those two … his wife had to come between them … she went at them with a dog whip …”

I was surprised that it made no impression upon me at all. I only remember that I had to admit to myself then and there that neither a wife nor a dog whip, nor for that matter the married man himself, would succeed in breaking off relations with my two friends. I asked, “And when were the girls here for the last time?”

“Oh, God, I can't even remember,” said the gardener, “it must have been more than a year ago since they left Salzburg.”

My quick, involuntary movement must have made him realize that I was more interested than I pretended to be. “Oh, they've gone. After a scandal like that one,” cackle, cackle, “they couldn't have stayed in this town. And their father was not much better than they were. He went with them instead of throwing them out of the house. Well, you know how people talk.”

“About what, my friend?”

“Well, that he … that he did it with his own daughters.”

I laughed. No, I could not believe that. The girls would never have kept that a secret from me. More likely that they would have bragged about it to me. It was simply a matter of their father allowing them to be happy in their own chosen way.

So why else had I come to Salzburg. In my imagination I had already created a happy reunion and now I was starving for their company … any company.

I had been ill for almost a year and after that I felt it my duty to castigate myself. Whenever my desire threatened to overpower me I would do handstands and other gymnastics till I was exhausted. But now my period of chastity had gone through its crisis.

I was somewhat irritated when I retired into my room. God knows that I, if I had found out where the girls were, would have taken the next train to follow them to wherever I would have found them, I would have taken them on the spot. Oh, yes, I would have. And I did the most stupid thing I could have done. I stretched myself on the sofa and gave my fantasy free reign.

Fortunately, I was not given too much time, because someone knocked on the door. A second knock. Finally I decided to call, “Come in!” A girl came in, the maidservant of my gardener as I soon found out. She had been sent to ask if there might be something I wanted. She was a typical peasant girl from the Salzburg district, fairly tall, sturdy and without too much shape. I let her come very close to me and when she finally stood at my side, I took her hand and pulled myself into a sitting position.

“What I want … what I want,” I asked, caressing her upper arm which felt strong and firm. “Just wait a minute, dear girl, and I will think of something.” I grabbed her around the waist and forced her to sit down next to me. When I started to take my hand off her arm, she made a move so that I, without intending, touched her voluptuous bosom.

Now my desire started to awaken. I did not see or hear any longer, I had become lust. With one full swoop I tore the girl's cotton blouse. I saw the beautiful white skin, the beginning of her broad, firm breasts. I pulled the girl down on the sofa with me and, ere she had had time to recuperate from her initial surprise, I had lifted her skirts high and feasted my eyes upon her well-formed thighs and almost hairless organ, the sight of which made me go wild with burning desire. I threw myself upon the girl and, while my hungry kisses closed her mouth, I penetrated her deeply. She was as if hypnotized, but when I shamefully wanted to let her go, she clamped herself around me. Then I noticed her deep red flush, her longing eyes, and I noticed desire behind her smile, her white teeth flashing, lips curled, in a half-open mouth.

“Do you think you could stay longer?” I asked hesitantly.

She nodded, keeping me in her firm grip. I made her let me go, took off my clothes, locked the door and started to undress her.

She resisted. “Oh, no, not that… it's shameful!” But I wanted to see all of her, because I had noticed that she had a beautiful belly. I brutally tore the clothes off her body and, sure enough, I had never seen a more beautiful belly and well-formed buttocks on any of the women I had possessed. I told her so, but she did not seem to listen. She sobbed, hands on her face, and repeated, “Oh, please, you take away all my feeling of shame.”

That made me laugh, and I was surprised to find that I could still laugh. I started to kiss the girl all over, even her hairless organ. I nibbled the firm flesh and then I screwed her like a madman. She groaned and bucked and when I came for the second time, she lifted her behind and pushed against my body so firmly that I couldn't come free. She suddenly pulled me against her bosom, her hands pressed against my buttocks, pulling and pushing, and her innocent fumbling caused me to start all over again in an orgy of fury, her entire body now cooperating in our wild game of love, an orgy of steaming flesh. Groaning, she was thrashing wildly on the bed, but when I wanted to pull out my member she grabbed for it and held it in a firm grip till it hurt. That was the lust of a wild animal, rutting to conceive.

When she finally let go of me, her words were breathless but her eyes were shining and she repeated pantingly over and over, “Oh, my God, that's gonna be twins!” And she lifted her breasts, adding with a smile I will never forget, “and they won't ever be hungry, neither.” I could not help myself, and kissed her tenderly all over with awe and veneration. Then she dressed herself with the languid movements of a satisfied animal.

“Are you going to come back?” I asked her.

She let the question sink in slowly and then felt her private parts, rubbing them softly as if they were hurting her. Then she said, “One more time, but then you will have to do it till I go silly, if you can bring it up-but not today — tomorrow, after dark.”

And she came to me the next night after the gardener and his wife had gone to bed. We knew each other fully undressed and it seemed to me as if I was catching up in one night on things I had left undone for two years. My member was raw and she was silly.

The next day I left Salzburg. Whether she really did get twins or not, I don't know. Though I have tried to find out whatever became of this girl — and I am sure she must have found her man — I never knew what became of her. I am grateful that I have been able to reward her richly, giving her the security of a carefree future. I hope that she has found herself a husband who will bring up my “twins” to be good and decent people and who will receive from her body the same delights that she gave me, a poor starving man.

My following stay in Vienna brought me a period of sexual overindulgence and a subsequent satiation which, as has happened to so many before me, brought on a total breakdown in my sex life. I must grudgingly admit that this misery does not happen to everyone.

The writing of plays obviously brought me in close contact with the capital's theatrical life. I got to know them all, the little men and the little women; I have described them exactly the way I found them and earned their undying ingratitude that way. Obviously they are convinced that I have lied about everything but that is only because they don't know themselves and have no idea about the objectionable parts of their personalities.

And yet, I did find a few with outstanding personalities, oddly enough: only among the women. Men are either vain out of stupidity or stupid because of their vanity. Their art is a craft to them. That is why there are so many who are absolutely unimportant, only a handful who have perfected their craft to the limit with effort and endurance, and an occasional virtuoso who has pushed his capabilities far beyond the average. But it seems to me that there are no longer any true artists among the performers. I have only met a few women who, because of their temperament, could not possibly be anywhere else but in the theater.

I was especially intrigued by one of them. Without being truly great, and definitely without any true claim to all the furor that was made about her, she was a born actress and above all a real woman. I had met her during a rehearsal. I was completely taken in by her soft charm, at least during the beginning. We became intimate and one day I thought that something might develop between the two of us But then she warned me, “My dear friend, don't become involved that way. You wouldn't be able to bring it up. I need quite a lot.” She laughed a clear ringing laughter and sounded like a cheap whore, adding, “I don't know the situation of your money-bag, but that is not the bag I am after. And I am sure the other one is neither heavy nor full enough to satisfy me.”

It was known that she was almost exclusively attracted (unless she could make incredible material gain) to the type of people that are grooms and stableboys. Once I went with her and the rest of the troupe on a small tour and all of us stayed at the same hotel. At dinner she was introduced to a young Italian singer. A few years later he lost his voice and became an actor. But he must have made a tremendous impression upon her because she only had eyes for him. The next day I went upstairs to my hotel room and I had to walk past her door. I saw two chambermaids peeping through the keyhole and keeping their ears against the door panel. Under the pretense that I needed something or other, I called one of the girls into my room and — how low can one get? — asked her about the things she had heard and seen. She told me that the Italian and the actress had been humping around for over two hours now. They had taken the mattresses off the beds, spread them on the floor and he had — two hours later, mind you — not gotten off her yet!

The girl was small and pretty but the jealousy in her tone of voice was big and ugly.

We both put our ears against the wall in the hope to hear something of what was going on next door. The little chambermaid lifted her skirts and I took her standing up against the wall, because she wanted to have it, “just like the woman in the other room!”

Just like the woman in the other room! It seemed to me that the actress had a keen eye for my shortcomings, because I am sure I could not possibly have kept it up for such a long time. I had become too weak for an exercise like that. And it is quite possible that she, in turn, was incapable of enjoying milder forms of mutual affection. But she did have what we call personality. And her strength and personality never left, not even when she collapsed under what our moral Philistines call, “a scandalous way of life.” Even when she was half-dead, she would still try to get it good.

Once I allowed an older actress to seduce me. That was very funny. I had had supper with her and obliged when she asked me to drive with her to her home. On the way there I noticed that she was leaning against me. When we had nearly reached her home she asked me to drink a cup of black coffee, as all Viennese do, at her place instead of in a coffeehouse. Since every one of her words had a hidden sob, I assumed that she was rather excited, and my surmise was correct. I glanced at her sideways, a woman of around forty, very well preserved, slim, quite a lot of bosom, a good waist and eyes that seemed to swim in tears. I thought that an aging woman might show greater appreciation and soon I was sitting in her nice and cozy living room. I must admit that I was beginning to feel some excitement after the lady had excused herself for a moment to go into another room. It was not difficult to guess that our get-together would only develop toward one certain direction.

She finally reappeared, wearing a light blue negligee, which was exceedingly low-cut and showed her breasts in all their milk-white voluptuousness. She rang for her maid, who served us tea, and when the actress sipped from her cup, bending forward slightly as if to show me her complete fullness, she nodded to the girl who thereupon left the room. I had the wildest desire to grab for those large globes and hold onto them. She smiled knowingly at me and whispered, “I would love to see you nude.”

Her hand went to my vest and started fumbling with the buttons, then she let it slide lower and come to rest down there. She became more and more intimate and I leaned back in my chair, letting my arms hang down and adopting the attitude of, “All right, cruel fate, take thy turn.”

She finished unbuttoning my vest, started my trousers, my underwear, my shirt. She lifted my shirt flaps and pressed her face against my belly with a contended sigh, looking up to me with sparkling eyes, a tear blinking in each corner. Then she grabbed with both hands for my privates and pressed tender kisses upon my member. She then tried to take off my jacket and when she did not immediately succeed, she asked me to be a little bit more helpful. And suddenly I was stark naked, she had even managed to take off my shoes and my socks. She pushed me back upon the couch, took my legs between her thighs and my member, which had become quite stiff at the sight of my own nudity, between her fingers. She just stood there, breathing deeply, and finally after awhile she said, pantingly, “Oh, my God, how beautiful, I'm dying!”

The picture of that woman, bending over backwards, in the throes of wild abandon while all she was doing was holding my legs between her thighs and my member between her fingers, was too much for me, though tremendously exciting. I pulled her negligee down, exposing her breasts, which now hung down like a pair of badly inflated big bladders. She bent over and pushed one nipple into my mouth. At that moment I started to shudder, but an uncontrollable excitement came over me and I started to come. Quick as lightening she bent over my member, stared at it with open mouth, emitting sounds of pure pleasure. Then she caught the spurting semen and swallowed it.

That brought me back to my senses. I got up and pushed the woman away from me. She stretched herself voluptuously as if in aftermath. Then she buttoned her negligee, put her arms around my neck and smiled at me gratefully, her eyes still swimming in tears. But I had had enough. Before I left, she suddenly pressed one of my legs between her thighs, started to groan and I could see delight in her eyes. Then she shivered throughout her body. She had climaxed again.

When I left her, I noticed that none of the doors had been locked and I brought this to her attention. “So what?” she said, “I am not ashamed in front of my maids, if one of them happens to walk in.”

The squeezing of her fingers around my member left a wild desire for more and an uncontrollable urge for some woman. On my way home I had to cross that section of small streets where the free girls live. I went into one of those side streets.

It was still legal, then, to keep the windows lit. The girls would lean on the windowsills with their elbows, squeezing their breasts between the forearms. Some of them knocked against the window panes to attract the attention of the passersby. Others licked their lips with the tip of their tongue to indicate that they knew some very special tricks. And behind the darkened windows sacrifices were brought to the goddess of love.

I went up and down the street with searching eyes and finally selected the first house on the left. I had barely opened the inside glass door when two girls, both dressed in the barest necessities, came out to meet me. Each had thought that I had penetratingly looked at them just before I entered the house. Could I disappoint either one of these creatures? I invited both to come into a room with me. Room would be too nice a word for this miserable stable, furnished with cheap draperies and tapestry. The furniture consisted of a dilapidated sofa covered with a piece of unsightly cloth.

Both girls smiled at me knowingly and one of them asked how we were going to be entertained. She thereby allowed her dress to slip to the floor and now she stood there, wearing only a pair of black silk stockings and scuffed high-heeled black shoes. Then the other one took off her dress, holding her hands pressed against her crotch, plaintively saying, “Oh, I'm so ashamed.”

Both were well built, not really young, but still firm. I felt their breasts and patted their fannies but remained standing, fully dressed, coat buttoned and hat firmly planted on my head. “Well, aren't you gonna take your clothes off?” said the one, and the other asked, “You only wanna watch and see how we make it together? You know, I go down on her and suck her off while you can fuck me in the ass. You're really gonna get something good but it's gonna cost you ten for each of us.” I put one-fifth of the asking price for each of the girls on the sofa and left. In the corridor I met a young fluff who smiled at me, saying, “Come with me, I'll entertain you better.”

She had a nice look on her face and beautiful dark brown eyes. I caressed her cheek but then I was out on the street again, standing in front of the next brightly lit window. I saw a beautiful profile, loose hanging hair, neck and shoulders that were gorgeous and the breasts perfection. She tapped with her fingers against the pane. I walked into the house; into the room. It looked a little bit better than that other room. The girl dropped her shirt, stretched her arms above her head, turned slowly and asked, “Do you think I am beautiful?”

“Yes, girl,” I said, stroking her gorgeous body, “you are truly beautiful. Do you have to live in a place like this?”

“Please, everyone comes up with that question, but no one has ever taken me away from it.”

That irritated me. I took her by the hands and held her at a distance from me. My eyes feasted on her beauty. She said, smiling, “Oh, the way you look at one.” Then she pulled me next to her on a sofa.

“Do you live here?” I asked.

She nodded.

“And you can't get away?”

“I owe the landlady so much money. Please, you don't know how much girls like us have to pay.” She stretched herself. “Stop asking foolish questions. Do you know how to do it good?”

I kissed her beautiful shoulders, I took her breasts in my hands and licked the nipples. I enjoyed her nude beauty, but … I could not get excited. I did not know what had come over me. What did that mean? I pulled the girl up and had her sit on my lap, pressing my face against her gorgeous breasts. She playfully grabbed for my member, her smile faded, making place for a disappointed expression. I was ashamed of myself. But she noticed that and tried to console me, “Oh, well, you are tired today!”

It sounded sweet. I kissed her bosom. A nude bosom, especially a beautiful one, never failed to excite me. I kept kissing. To no avail. I put money on her table and ran away. I became nervous and jittery, a feeling I had never known before. Was I through? No, the girl was not my type.

The next window. A fat slob. I had gone up and down the street once more, looking into every window, when an old woman who was standing in one of the doorways, addressed me. “Sir, I have something delicious for you. Fifteen years old … a virgin.” I wanted to walk past her, but she followed me. “I have beautiful rooms, dear Sir. A couch with saddle, and if you just want to look, I have a couple of very proficient girls.” I turned around and followed the old hag.

“I want to see them all,” I told the crone. And the poor girls arrived, dressed in blue, red and black gowns. There were about seven or eight.

After a while the old woman returned, pushing a little nude girl ahead of her, breasts like rosebuds about to bloom. The girl was blushing and shy. The others, the ones in the gowns, pulled the little one toward them and one of them even caressed her cheeks and gave her a little tender kiss. The old woman asked me to come over to one corner and said, “That is going to be fifty already, Sir.”

I mechanically opened my wallet and handed her the bills. Then I asked her to leave the room and I closed the door, behind which, I was sure, she was listening. I sat down in one of the low easy chairs and ordered the girls to take off their gowns. I wanted to become excited. I felt that my life's happiness depended upon proof tonight that I still could get excited. The girls stood around me in a half-circle, the little one, obviously a novice, walked shyly up to me.

“What are you afraid of? The gentleman won't hurt you,” said one of them, and another added, “My God, stupid girl, all he's gonna do is fuck you, that's why you're here, ain't you? Come on, you'll love it!” The others giggled and felt her lithe young body. They all seemed to have a certain respect for the virginity of the little one. I pulled her up to my lap, stroked her soft skin, nuzzled her little budding breast, the small of her back, kneeding her firm young buttocks. I tried everything I could think of to become excited, but despite an ardent desire, nothing stirred my loins.

One of the girls said, “Why don'tcha take off your clothes? We'll get you horny.” And I started to undress. They all pitched in and helped. They rubbed their breasts against my face and their organs against my hands and body, their pubic hairs tickling me all over. I could feel some life stir in my member. I could have jumped for joy. I took the first best pair of breasts in my hands, rolled the nipples between thumb and forefinger, licked the breasts of another. But when I was standing naked in front of them, the girls made strange faces and one of them said, rather loudly, “Oy, Veh!” A more experienced one opined, “Difficult to stab a virgin with that one.” I could have died from embarrassment.

“I wish you'd kick me to death,” I called out to the girls, throwing myself in desperation upon one of the chairs, covering my face with both hands. I felt like someone who had just been told he has only one more hour to live. The girls stood around me, caressing my hair, my skin; one of them had knelt down and was kissing my member. They were simply nice girls. But my mood had become so foul that I interpreted their goodness as pity, and the one thing I could not take was just that. I jumped up, grabbed for my clothes and asked the girls to leave. When they hesitated, I hollered at them, “Get out!” They left me alone.

I left the house slowly. I stole through the narrow street like a thief and, while I had never cared before that I might meet acquaintances of mine in that district, who — like I — went regularly on the prowl there, I hid my face in my coat collar, turning my head to the side every time someone walked by me. Suddenly I was again in front of that first house on the left, I walked back and looked into the window of the beautiful one. She was still there, as beautiful as ever, and she nodded and smiled at me. I had been embarrassed in front of her already and perhaps my inability was entirely due to the miserable surroundings. I clamped myself to that idea.

“If you could just give yourself some proof of that,” an inner voice kept telling me. Then I had a splendid idea: I liked this beautiful girl very much. I went into the house and entered her room. She looked at me, “No longer tired?” I asked her if she wanted to get away with me. She laughed, “That's impossible. Where would I go with you?”

“Away from here. Completely! I will rent you a place. Do you want to?”

The girl put her hands on my shoulders and looked at me with disbelief. “Don't do that. You shouldn't joke like that.”

It was difficult to convince her that I was serious. She owed the landlady more than one hundred in back rent. So who cared? I had to pay another hundred to free the girl from any future obligations since she had not given any proper notice. I gladly would have given more. Oh, if I could only have the girl with me in a decent hotel room.

It was a joy to watch the excitement that had come over the girl when she realized the sudden change of her fortune. “Do you really like me that much?” she kept asking me. She went through her clothes and asked me what I wanted her to wear. “Something very simple,” I told her. Soon she was dressed, and she looked beautiful. I embraced and kissed her.

Then I took her to the closest cabstand and gave the driver the name of the hotel where I wanted to go.

The girl said fearfully, “That one? They'll never allow me to enter there.”

I quieted her fears, “When you are with me, that I'd like to see.”

I took the most expensive suite. After the dungeons in which I had, spent half the night, I needed some luxury and comfort. The girl held on to me and stared around in surprise when she saw the beautifully appointed rooms. “Ooh, it's just like a dream, I must be a princess in a fairy tale.”

I kissed her again and ordered some choice supper for two and a bottle of champagne. The girl was utterly charming and what surprised me most, her manners and social grace were impeccable.

I did not hear one single rude word, and not a single move betrayed the girl's profession. And most remarkably, when I started to undress her “she blushed. I carried her to the bed and, after I had divested myself of my clothes, crawled in next to her, nestled my head into her lap and fell asleep.

I did not awake till morning and she told me that she had been terribly worried about disturbing my sleep. She had carefully drawn a blanket over me and had not dared to stir or fall asleep, but she added hastily that she had never been so happy in all her life. I took her in my arms and covered her face with kisses, then her entire body, and when I laid myself on top of her to take possession of her, she said, “You know what? I wish that I had been a decent girl so that I could give you everything I have.”

Then she embraced me and kissed me passionately and then…. I could have cried out joyfully, the old desire started to stir within me, and excitement took hold of me as if it was never going to stop again. After I had spent twice, without leaving the girl at all, she took my face between her hands and said, with shining eyes, “You are very strong!” And when I still did not want to get off her, she admonished me softly, “But you have to rest up a little bit, you know, we can do some more of it later on, but for now it has been more than enough, even for me.”

She gave me an almost motherly kiss and put her right arm under my neck, telling me to lie still. Her left hand sneaked downward toward my member and caressed it softly. “It's really ready for a next one!” she exclaimed in surprise. “Let me see that, can I?” She sat up in the bed and lifted the blanket. “Oh, how sweet!” she exclaimed. Thereupon she swung her right leg over my body, straddled me and guided my member deep in her insides.

She stretched voluptuously and the sight of that gorgeous woman topping me was so exciting that I tried to sit up and kiss her body. We spent the entire day in bed.

We ate the leftovers from the previous night. Every time we woke up we'd start kissing, wind up fucking and fall asleep again. There was not a single little spot left on the girl's body I had not kissed. And her beautifully formed behind worked wonders. It excited me just looking at it and I loved to sink my teeth into the elastic white flesh of those gorgeous buttocks.

Late in the afternoon she said, “Boy, now we have to get up, and you should get some fresh air, otherwise you'll wind up with a headache.” She was so nice and charming and pretty that I could not stop covering her with kisses. But this time she did not give in and finally she succeeded in getting me dressed. We went together to the Roman Baths and I would have loved to take my bath together with her. But she told me that for today we had had enough. She was afraid I might strain myself again. She was very adamant and did not want to take a bath together. “We could draw a big fine for that.” After the Baths we went back to the hotel for dinner.”

From there we went to the theater. On our way I bought her an evening gown and cape. She was very happy with that. After the opera we sat in a charming separee and by three o'clock in the morning we were back in bed, nude and in a hot embrace, confessing our love for each other.

A period of happiness began for me. This girl, whom I had found in a house of ill repute, was more decent than any of the fine ladies of good society with whom I had had affairs.

I rented a home for her. A love-nest in which she ruled as a queen. Our nights and days of love were not wild, yet very intense. Secretly I was surprised that this girl had no idea of the existence of the slightly perverted sex which I had encountered among the women and girls of the so-called better classes. I did not introduce her to these things.

Chapter Eight. TRAGEDY FOLLOWS BLISS

One day, when I walked across Stephen's Square, I met one of my girl friends from Salzburg. She had seen me first and talked to me. And that afternoon I visited her in her stately mansion.

After the affair both girls had left Salzburg, their father had passed on not long afterwards and they decided to settle in Vienna. It would have been possible for them to lead a simple and quiet life on their inheritance, but the idea did not appeal to them. Then they had the splendid idea of opening an exclusive boarding home. It also gave them an opportunity to fulfill their heart's desire. A home for young gentlemen of fine families. Three or four at an exorbitant rate because these young gentlemen needed, except for their school education, everything at home: French and English conversation, piano and other music and many pleasures which young people otherwise would seek outside the home. They were lucky. Soon they had four young men between seventeen and twenty years of age, each one of them exceptionally good-looking. I am sure that the sisters exercised a very strict selective choosing.

When I walked into their home they flung themselves around my neck as if I had never been away, they behaved really as if we had seen each other the previous day. I had to tell them everything and they showed genuine concern about my fate. When I wanted to leave they insisted that I stay a little while longer. They wanted me to witness the life they were leading now. I did put in some resistance by not allowing any of the young men to see me. They laughed at me but finally they showed me a little room where I could be alone and watch through the keyhole. They thought I would come out of the room voluntarily once I had seen and witnessed the goings-on. They left me alone.

Somewhat later I heard voices, young, lusty, laughing voices. The sisters were alone in the other room, but I looked through the keyhole anyway to see what made them laugh.

I saw the girls talking to an older woman, obviously the cook. I also saw that the old woman, without any shame, was fingering Elly's lower belly, at the same time exposing Lotte's behind by lifting her skirt. She kissed Lotte's buttocks. Then she left and the girls set the table for coffee and cake. In came the four young gentlemen; they kissed the sisters' hands, all wore similar flannel suits, they waited till Lotte and Elly were seated and then took their own places. Everything went perfectly.

I quietly got myself a chair so that I could watch the proceedings at ease. I must have missed the very beginning, because suddenly I saw the girls and the four young men in paradise costumes. I saw four beautiful mast poles proudly erect, I saw Lotte and Elly each embrace two young men, I saw the six of them, laughing and panting, roll around on the rugs, I saw legs and arms entwined and in less than fifteen minutes both girls had been fucked twice. It was quite a sensation for me to view these male and female bodies in various stages of ecstasy.

Now it seemed that the four young men were about to leave the room, but the sisters called them back. Lotte and Elly rubbed the boys' members with soft towels and talked to them excitedly. I could only hear Lotte's slightly penetrating voice: “Today is a very special day. You can stay here all afternoon, but there won't be anything tonight.”

Regarding that last part of her sentence there was some slight protest. One of the young men walked over to the piano and started to play a waltz. I watched the nude couples dance past my door and I could breathe the aroma of the nude bodies. I noticed a young, handsome giant dancing with Lotte and trying to insert his member into her while whirling around to the strains of the waltz. At that moment Elly knocked on the door behind which I was hiding. The next moment I stood in the middle of a lot of naked people.

They flew apart, but Elly laughed and Lotte kept her giant in an embrace, allowing him to serve her standing in the middle of the room, groaning passionately. Then she ran over to me, kissed me and said, “You see?” She introduced me to the nude people, “Our dearest friend from whom you people may be able to learn a lot!”

And as if she had been love-starved for months, she tore the trousers off my body and before I could do anything, she was holding my erect member in her hands, putting kisses all over it. Elly called out, “He has the most beautiful body I have ever seen and as far as fucking is concerned, he can outdo each and every one of you.”

The young men seemed used to the fact that their paradise was inhabited by more than just one Adam and Eve, because my sudden entrance did not seem to bother them one whit. They only insisted that I join the group and take off my clothes. The young men were wild, but the two girls were even wilder. They no longer bothered to get up from the rug, but just lay there with their thighs spread apart, pulling one after the other down on top of them. As long as any of us could hold out we were straight fucking. And the moment our members needed some recuperating, our tongues became very busy. The boys licked everything: lips, breasts and nipples, between the buttocks and the sex organs. And when the members still did not get hard enough, the girls' tongues would pitch in. We were all rolling around on the carpet in one big ball. Lotte had one big member in her twat, another stuck in her behind, a third down her throat and another in her right hand. Elly only had two. Each one of the girls must have been fucked and sucked at least a dozen times before dinner was announced and they still were bucking and lustfully groaning for more.

They did not want to let me go and after dinner we were back down on the floor again. I was between the two sisters. I asked Lotte, “Aren't you afraid you will ruin these boys?”

“It's not this way every day,” she laughed. “Usually they only get it twice, once in the afternoon and once before bedtime. That's normal, isn't it? If the boys had their way, it would be like this afternoon every day. Oh, God, at least one knows why one is alive,” she added as an afterthought.

I asked her what they did those few days of the month when they were incapable and she said, “The boys are positively crazy about those days. They can only visit us at night and we keep the room dark. But have you never taken a woman during her period? That's when they are at their best.”

The young giant had overheard us and he slowly crawled over to Lotte and put his enormous erect member in her hand. “You see,” Lotte said, “all he has to do is hear about it and he is raring to go again!”

Without taking any further notice of us, the two started to lick each other and ere long the young giant threw himself upon her, penetrating her up to the hilt. Amidst her groaning and moaning, Lotte called out, “Elly does not have anybody yet, you lazybones!” Then she threw her legs around the giant's waist who kept pumping away and did not seem to get tired at all.

We all took turns in possessing Elly, who was very sweet and willing in her ecstasy. But when all of us had spent in her, the young giant was still deeply locked into Lotte, who was moaning low and spasming voluptuously. The young man was holding her buttocks firmly in his large hands, lifting her against him while grinding away at a steady pace. I have never seen such capacity and endurance in any woman before, or since.

All that time I had not once given a single thought to my girl, Anna. The newness of this orgy at the sisters home had completely wiped every other thought out of my mind. When I was in the big double bed between Elly and Lotte, trying to fall asleep, which I couldn't, I suddenly thought of her. It had never happened before that I did not show up for a solid day and night. To rid myself of thinking about Anna, I turned my face against Lotte's naked breasts and sucked her nipples. But she was so sound asleep that it did not wake her up.

That excited me. I became terribly agitated; I simply had to do something which would afford me release from tension, at the same time preventing me from thinking about my girl. Carefully I turned Lotte on her back. I did not have to pull her thighs apart because she opened up wide automatically, even in her deep sleep. I crawled on top of her and quietly guided my member into her, penetrating ever so softly but very deep. She stayed asleep and her breathing was deep and regular, it did not even quicken while I took her. I experienced a feeling of voluptuous release as I had never felt before. And when I had spent, I fell asleep on top of her.

When I woke up my member was still deep inside her. As a matter of fact, it had become quite hard again and I looked into Lotte's shining, laughing eyes, felt her hands in my armpits and her belly moving up against me.

“Oh, you sweet angel, you,” she sighed several times. Then she reached for Elly who was still asleep. But Lotte did not give in till her sister was wide awake and joined us. While I was poking away at Lotte, Elly had turned around in the bed and was working over my behind, exactly as we had done that evening in Salzburg when I was still the one and only in the girls' lives.

I was a guest at the home of my Salzburg girl friends for three days, and indeed, during that time the young men were limited to once in the afternoon and once at nighttime. For the remainder I was allowed to satisfy their every whim, and, incidentally, every one of my own whims. When I left their home, promising that I would return as soon as possible, I was completely worn out and my knees buckled under me. I went to the baths and from there straight home. I wanted to sleep, long and sound; afterward I would go and see Anna.

When I woke up after God knows how many hours, I was still shot. I had to admit regretfully that I was no longer capable of absorbing the excesses of the past few days. I wanted to excite myself and kept thinking about all the situations and positions I had been in; I tried to visualize Lotte and Elly, singly and together.

But then I had to think of the poor girl out of the whorehouse. My God, how nice and decent she was.

My knees were weak and my head was still spinning when I arrived at Anna's. She ran toward me and took me in her arms, still crying. “I could not even find out how you were. I would have visited you immediately if I had known where you live. You have to tell me your address. You could have been far more ill than you were now. You were ill, weren't you?” I felt guilty and I did not want to admit it. And one is never more unjust than when one feels guilty.

“You are nervous. Did anything happen? Please, tell me. Did you spend too much money on me?” She tried to nestle herself upon my lap. “You have been too good to me. I haven't earned so much goodness …”

She wanted to go on but I pushed her rudely away from me. She put a fist against her lips, knuckles white, and stared at me as if she wanted to look through me. That irritated me even more. I got up reluctantly and asked her, “Do I owe you any accounting for my time?”

She stared at me for a long time, biting her knuckles. “No, you don't… you're right.” But then she sank down into a chair and started to sob uncontrollably, even though she tried to contain herself.

I could not possibly have been normal and I must assume that the almost endless orgy at the home of the two sisters had dulled my senses, because I remained fully apathetic at the sight of the one woman I loved going through hell. When she did not stop crying I became furious, turned around and stomped out of the house. The next day I sent the girl a letter by messenger with a note for one thousand in it and the request to give me my freedom back. I still have to blush deeply and shamefully when I think about that. I am convinced that the girl would have flung the money in my face if I had given it to her myself, including all the other gifts she had received from me. But I was a big coward and remained hidden from her. She did not know where I lived but I moved nevertheless to one of the suburbs, wanting to put as much space between her and me as was physically possible. But she would be revenged … poor Anna.

* * *

I tried to lose myself in my work so I would not have to think about the new situation I had gotten myself into. I turned my nights into days and vice versa. I divided my time between my bed and my writing desk and the many leeches and parasites who kept me company, the pseudo literati one can find in almost any coffeehouse from Vienna to Berlin. All of them are loudmouths with a little bit of influence here and there; some of them even belonged to the editorial staff of a genuine newspaper.

I enjoyed reading my name in newspapers more frequently. Every time there would be some small item mentioning that one of my plays had been performed somewhere, obviously with great success, sometimes it would say that I was working on another one, then it was because one of my books would be reprinted, or a new one was about to be released. I scoured the drawers of my desk for small items I had written now and then, gathering them into anthologies that only found a publisher because my name on it was a guarantee for advance sales.

I know that people who write, and write things that are truly worth the trouble often plague themselves for months and years and then they have to grovel before some innate people in order to get their works published. But I never gave that a thought. One has to feel the ice-cold hand of death or go bankrupt to realize these simple truths. But in those days? I was proud of the fact that a well-known newspaper tried its best to add me to its staff and I became, though very temporary, one of their editorialists. I did not learn anything worthwhile during that period. How little use did I make of my experiences! But about that I will talk in another book, if I ever get around to writing one.

There were two people I liked a little (just a little) more than all the others with whom I associated. They stood out ever so slightly among the masses of acquaintances, but at least they stood out and that had attracted them to my attention. One was a very fat fellow who could have been a very fine writer. The few scraps he showed me to read proved that to me.

He was financially well-off and belonged to the very few who did not live off my income. He gorged himself on food and drink and ate himself into an untimely death. The other was the producer-director of a neighborhood theater. I mention both because they taught me an entirely new side to my sexual life. Once I came to know them better they allowed me to join them in a few of the big fat one's entertainment nights. By God, that was really something new to me, sickeningly new.

The fat one was, as he was wont to point out frequently with a whining voice, “absolutely through.” He was impotent, as he assured me often, with moist eyes and quivering lips. But he still had some desire left for a little excitement now and then. Lord knows how he did it, but he always managed to drum up a couple of waifs; boys and girls, about once a month. He would invite them into his home and personally give them a bath (the director and I were allowed to watch through a peephole), and then they would go into the living room where the children were ordered to masturbate, or to rub their sex organs against each other. The old lecher would just sit there, with but-toned-up fly, groaning with pleasure till some of his seed would drip through a limp member.

Those were his sexual holidays. The director enjoyed a few more realistic delights. And I? I had discovered something entirely new, though I never could find any true delight. Anyhow, these events ended abruptly, because our fat friend died. One day he had found a rather curious way of sexual satisfaction. He had lowered his enormous bulk into a tub of lukewarm water which was filled just high enough to allow the head of his member to bob up and down. He pulled the wings off a horsefly and let the insect crawl around on that tip. That's when a massive stroke surprised him.

We all knew that he had been playing this particular game once in a while and the life he was leading was both fascinating and repulsive to me. I endured it for two years and then the day of reckoning arrived. Those are the days that give birth to the most enormous stupidities.

I told myself that if sex had degenerated with me into wallowing in filth, I needed extra strong excitement to whip up my passions. Were there any that I had not yet tried? Now what? And again that same desire welled up in me: the love for my own sex. And I don't know why I resisted this urge with all the energy that was left in me, just like I had done every other time. Oh, how I wish I had given in to it because I allowed this desire to be conquered by the worst form of hypocrisy that our Philistine society could have dreamed up: I decided that it was about time to get married.

I had not given thought to any person in particular, merely to the idea itself. This was because of my reasoning: of all the other forms of sex, the only one that is unknown to me is the well-protected way of the marital bed. She has to be someone entirely different from all the others you know, I told myself. Usually one gets married because of love or adoration or, at least, to bring some form of regularity into one's life. About twice a week makes over a hundred times a year and that that sounds more than sufficient, according to church regulations. The man quietly at the side of his loved one, quietly doing with those bodily parts what nature intended him to do with them, and then back to sleep.

It started to sound excitingly new and I was overcome by a longing for happiness and a desire to get married great enough to inflame my excitable imagination. Therefore, I started to look around and really, among the citizenry I found myself a girl that seemed as if she were capable of giving me this particular paradise on earth. I was not a stranger among the members of the girl's family. They knew all about me from write-ups in the newspapers, and they respected me because I was rich and famous. Moreover the daughters of the house were enthusiastic about everything that looked like literature, especially the genre which one might consider modern.

In short, I became engaged. I told myself that I had to do things differently from other engaged couples who pretend respectability and in secret learn all about the charms of their brides by pawing with their coarse and vulgar hands, ruining the nice girls' blouses and dresses. Occasionally their underground activities would ruin a pair of good stockings or pull a pubic hair.

No, I preferred to be vulgar and indecent in words only, since this is very fashionable and expected from a modern man who is also a well-known literary person. Once my bride hinted that she did not understand that a man like me, especially during the opportunities we had together, remained 30 incredibly respectable as only a true Philistine could. “No, my child,” I told her, “I am a true connoisseur, and I refuse to enjoy my delights by bits and pieces. T take my pleasure all at once, I want to exhaust it completely and, if necessary, I will be destroyed by it.”

She cast her eyes down and asked shyly, a blush covering her face, “Have you never … found pleasure?”

“I have never been married,” I answered, and added more honestly, “I am waiting for happiness.” She rested her head on my shoulder and did not say a word. I waited, because I assumed that she was going to say something, something important. But she remained silent and, after awhile, started to chatter about other things.

A few weeks later she was my wife. To betray her during the engagement period would have been vulgar, to say the least. I did not even have any desire to do so. I had achieved a certain state of expectation which really made me feel very good. I wanted to remain chaste for this special one, who was going to become the center of my life and who existed for no one else but me.

After the wedding ceremonies we took the train. I felt terribly festive and kept telling myself that my life finally had been given a purpose. At nightfall we had arrived at a station which appealed to me. When we arrived at our hotel, I passionately embraced my beautiful young bride.

Silently I held her in my arms and finally my lips sought hers. “She is mine, she is mine,” inner voices jubilantly sang. It was not just a brutal feeling of lord and master; no, it was the exalted experience of a free spirit knowing that the merger of two was necessary to become one again. I knelt in front of her and asked her softly, “Do you want to give yourself entirely?”

She laughed. “Aren't we man and wife?”

“Not yet.”

She bent over me and said, whisperingly, “But please, be careful, don't make me pregnant right away. Do you really want children at all?”

I heard, but unfortunately did not listen. The shyness of the girl and her desire not to cut the period of happiness short with an unwanted pregnancy. The desire for possession had been awakened in me. The lust for one who had never before been possessed and who had saved her virginity for me.

I sat down and pulled my wife upon my lap. I started, as tenderly as possible, to unfasten her dress. I felt positively giddy when I exposed her well-formed, marble-white breasts and lovingly gazed upon the firm round globes. I kissed them and her shoulders and then I proceeded to unfasten her other garments. I carefully explored all the forms of this beautiful girl's body which soon was to be all mine. She resisted a little bit when I proceeded to take off the last obstacle but then she stood before me, a beautiful Eve as no painter would ever be capable of portraying, in the middle of the room, under the chandelier, the epitome of womanhood.

I kissed and kissed. Then I turned off the light and undressed. I embraced her and our glowing bodies pressed together. “Are you going to hurt me very much?” she whispered anxiously. I carried her to the bed and started to caress her slowly. A shiver went through her body. “I am afraid,” she said fearfully.

I took her firm breasts in my hands, rolled one nipple between my fingers and licked, nibbled and then sucked the other one. My tongue trailed a path along her belly, her sex and her thighs. Then I tried to break down her resistance. At first quietly and insistently and finally with a little bit more force.

I asked her, trying to tone down my excitement, “Do you think I am a brute, don't you want me?”

I noticed that she hesitatingly opened her thighs a little. Suddenly I threw myself upon her. I heard her cry out … it had happened. I took her, kissing her wildly and embracing her passionately. When I had sacrificed for the first time, I heard her groan and cry. I blanched. “It hurts so much,” she complained. I kissed her tenderly, but when I wanted to mount her again she begged-me not to do it. I shrank back and tried to remain calm. Oh, yes, she knew how to hurt me.

A little while later I felt her hand. “Are you mad at me? But please, it hurts so much!” And when I did not answer her, she crawled over to my side and kissed me. First my mouth, then my chest, my belly … she reached for my member and took it in her hands. “It's far too big for me.,” That sounded so horribly sobering. I gave her a quick kiss and said, “Go to sleep, my child.” She pulled away from me and soon. I heard' her regular breathing. She was sound asleep.

I intended to be very considerate. This young creature had to-get used to many things that I took for granted. We continued our trip that same day. All day she was very sweet and demure but when we were finally together in the suite of our hotel in Trieste, she snuggled up to me, took my head in her hands and said,

“Dear heart, we are modern people and we should be able to talk things out quite openly. And after all, since last night we are truly husband and wife.” She looked me square in the face, “And really, we should hold nothing back from each other. So, you see …” Now she hesitated slightly. I did not insist and waited. Finally she went on, ”… I've read a book, I think it was French … no, I'm sure it was … please, turn off the light.”

I turned off the light and when I had found my way back in the darkness to where we had been sitting, I grabbed something naked. I pressed my face against her thrusting breasts and hardening nipples and felt her hand steal down toward my groin. “Wait, I'll take everything off, and you undress, too. Yes?” She seemed to be very excited. Now we were nude. “Can you find your way to the bed, or at least to the night-light?”

I stumbled my way to the bed while she held onto me. I turned on the lamp on the night-stand, then I lifted up my young wife and lifted her into the bed. She held her arms tightly around my neck and pulled me with her. I covered her beautiful body with kisses. I lingered when I had reached her sex and pressed many kisses there to excite her even further. I pulled the lips with my fingers and stuck my tongue into the opening as deep as I could.

“Oh yes … fine … ooh, you … how … fine!”

It excited me tremendously. I licked and licked and the more I licked the more her beautiful body quivered with voluptuous pleasure. She bucked, she turned and thrashed and started to groan with carnal delight. Suddenly I felt her hands on my head. She caressed my cheeks, my ears and ruffled my hair. “Oh, sweetheart,” she exclaimed, “that's what I meant, and you can't get pregnant that way either … that's what I read in that French book.” She leaned upon one elbow, and kissed me. “I want to do the same thing to you, but how do I do it? You lick me and I lick you … oh, isn't that wonderful?”

She took my rigid member and pressed it, suddenly she planted a kiss upon it. “When you can lick me, I can lick you,” she exclaimed, happily laughing. I was so overexcited that I had no will of my own and I sank on my back. She licked and licked and licked and did not stop even when my seed was spilling. But now I had become incredibly horny.

She kissed me passionately with moist lips.

Then she asked, “Can't we do it at the same time you do me, I do you?” and she spread her thighs apart. I showed her how. I mounted her the wrong way, my face in her sex and my member turned toward her face. At first we licked mutually but soon she left my member alone and enjoyed herself alone. Only when she felt that I had satisfied her did she take it back against her lips, licking, occasionally nibbling with her teeth. After this second licking I was exhausted. But she wanted more. That night my misery had started.

She did not want an;- other way of intercourse and declared flatly, “Isn't it the highest form of love? Could you do a thing like that to a man you don't like?” Her logic was devastating.

And we licked. She me, I her. She started to bloom and looked more beautiful every day. The strain was beginning to show on me; I was heading for a nervous breakdown and after these nightly orgies I was incapable of going to sleep. She did not listen at all when I told her that this manner of conjugal bliss was killing me slowly. “I will be very considerate,” she promised. But when, because of the proximity of her beautiful nude body my member became rigid, she would exclaim happily, “But see, he wants to!” And then I, too, wanted it again. She loved it so much that she also wanted to be licked during the day, and there have been days that she insisted upon at least six times. And I had to be undressed during these ceremonies at all times. Finally my member refused to react at all, and my wife resorted to tricks. She rubbed it, sobbing, against the throbbing nipples of her breasts, she licked my anus, and even that seemed to excite her enormously.

We had long since returned to Vienna. I still had one joy, the sight of her marvelous, nude body. But I also had the desire to possess it. Completely, not just with my tongue. I implored to no avail. I begged her, and she would answer, “You want to be a modern man, don't you?”

One night I came home much later than usual. When I entered the bedroom, I found it empty. I became worried. I looked for her everywhere and when I came close to the door of the servants' quarters I heard a noise in the chambermaid's room. I heard moaning, “Ooh, yes … that way … down further … Oh, my God … it's great!”

I sneaked away and went to bed, as if I did not know that my wife needed more tongues than mine only. An hour later she came down, relaxed, happy and a little bit tired.

She pretended to be very surprised to find me in bed, and as if nothing had happened, she kissed me and lay down herself. I started to boil over, “I've been looking all over for you …”

“I know, darling, and it was very decent of you not to open that door … you know that Tina is fantastic. She licks like no one else. Really, you should try it, too. Have something really good and have her give it to you …”

All the hate within me crystallized and I said, “Fine!”

Her eyes lit up and she said quickly, “I know what we can do; you lick me, she licks you, and if she wants to, she can twiddle herself with her fingers!” She bounced out of the bedroom and returned soon with a slightly reluctant chambermaid.

She pulled off the girl's nightgown and stood next to her. “Which one of us has the nicest figure?”

I cannot remember whether the girl was good-looking or ugly. The only thing I can remember is that I threw her upon the bed.

I heard my wife ask, “What position should we take?”

I knew what position I was going to take. I was going to rape and fuck the maid right in front of my wife's eyes.

But my fury had killed my desire. I couldn't … What had happened to me; what was I going to do?

“Back to your room,” I hollered at the girl.

When she had slipped out of the room I turned around to my wife. I grabbed her by the hair and dragged her to the bed. And I hit her and hit her, and if I had not blacked out, I would have killed her.

I left my home that same night.

This marriage has brought me to the brink of my grave. A serious heart condition is the result of months of unnatural copulation. I will most likely die of it before I have finished this confession.

But I do hope that this writing will show this execrable creature whom I loved and who called herself my wife that the only whore I ever knew and who temporarily played a role in my life was venerable compared to her who had vowed before God to share my bed. Amen!

Content

Anonymous
Confessions of an Author

AUTHOR'S PREFACE

Chapter One. MY EARLY YEARS

Chapter Three. FIRST LOVE

Chapter Four. A YOUNG MAN BECOMES EDUCATED IN THE UNUSUAL

Chapter Five. I TAKE A MISTRESS, RENEW AN ACQUAINTANCE, AND FIND SUCCESS

Chapter Six. LOTTE AND ELLY

Chapter Seven. THE MAN

Chapter Eight. TRAGEDY FOLLOWS BLISS