Everlasting Sin

J. S. Cooper

PART I

Prologue

Riley

Fifteen Years Ago

Six Years Old

When I was in first grade, there was a boy who used to pinch me on the bus, and every day I would go home crying. He was older than I was by at least three years, and he had a snotty nose and dirty hands. I hated him with as much passion as a six-year-old could hate a boy. And one day, in my bravest voice, I told my mom that I no longer wanted to go to school on the bus because of this horrible little boy. The day after I told her, my mom found out the boy’s name from the bus driver and took me to his house so that she could speak to his mom. That was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. I sat there on the couch in the living room, waiting in fear. I was so scared that the boy was going to come in and pinch me again. But he didn’t. Instead, my mom brought him over to me and he apologized with a big dopey grin. A grin that told me that he didn’t think he had really done anything wrong. My mom told me that he was going to look after me on the bus and at school and make sure that no one ever hurt me. He was going to be my very own protector. He called himself Batman, I called him Dopey, and his parents called him Hudson. Hudson Blake. From that day on, he never pinched me on the bus again. But I can’t say that I’ve never cried because of him since.

Chapter 1

Hudson

Ten Years Ago

She sat in the corner of the couch crying, her sobs loud and her face red and splotchy. I walked past her into the kitchen and grabbed a can of Coke, ignoring the tug of my heartstrings as I watched her.

“What’s wrong, Riley?” I sighed as I questioned her. She looked up at me with big brown eyes full of tears and I was taken back to the days when I used to pinch her on the school bus.

“Nothing.” She gulped and looked down at her legs.

“Tell me what’s wrong.” I sat on the couch next to her and awkwardly put my arm around her shoulders. “Maybe I can help.” I had no idea what I’d be able to do to help, but at fourteen, I felt years ahead of eleven-year-old Riley.

“Eden won’t...” She paused and sobbed some more. “Eden won’t let me borrow her nail polish.”

“What?” I frowned, confused.

“Eden won’t—”

“I heard that part.” I stared at her for a few moments before continuing. “I don’t get why you care. Nail polish just looks cheap and gross anyways.”

“No, it doesn’t.” She shook her head and I sighed.

“Get up, Riley. Let’s go and talk to Eden.” I grabbed her hand and pulled her up from the couch, and she held on to my hand as we walked up the stairs to go talk to Eden. Eden was my sister and Riley’s best friend, but many times I felt as if I were closer to Riley than I was to Eden.

“Eden, open up.” I tried opening the door and then banged on it.

“No!” my sister yelled back in a whiny tone.

“Eden, I don’t have time for this!” I shouted, annoyed. I was fourteen and at the age where I felt like I was a man, not a boy. “Open up. Now.”

“Whatever!” she cried out as she slowly opened the door. “What do you want?” She stuck her face out at me and raised her nose up in the air.

“Let Riley play with the nail polish, please.”

She rolled her eyes. “I told her she could already.”

“I wanted the red one, not the pink.” Riley looked at me with wide eyes and I sighed.

“The red one, Eden?”

“No, that’s my favorite.” Eden shook her head. “You can’t make me.”

“Riley’s your best friend,” I huffed. “You should be generous. You know that’s what good little girls do.” I gave her a big smile like my dad always did to try and convince her. “Okay?”

“No,” she said obstinately, as only an eleven-year-old could.

“Eden.”

“That’s my name. Don’t wear it out.” She gave me a superior look.

“You’re so childish.”

“You’re such a brat,” she shot back at me.

“Whatever. Come on, Riley.” I grabbed her hand and walked away from Eden’s door. “See you later, Eden. Riley and I are going to hang out in my room.”

“Kissy kissy time!” Eden called out and made kissing noises, and I frowned at her.

“You’re disgusting.” I shook my head and let go of Riley’s hand. “Come on. We can go and hang out in my room.”

“Okay.” She smiled at me weakly and followed me into my room.

“You can sit on the bed,” I offered generously. I really was magnanimous. I wanted to call Luke and tell him to come over so that we could play my new wrestling video game, but I knew that would be no fun for Riley to watch. “I’m going to play video games.”

“Okay.” She nodded and smiled at me. She sat on my bed with her legs crossed, and I stared at her for a few seconds before speaking again.

“You can play too...if you want.” I held back a sigh, not wanting her to know that I didn’t really want to play with her. Girls sucked at video games, especially her and Eden. Whenever they came to my room to play, they always giggled and fell on the ground. It was so annoying having to let them play when my parents were home that I was surprised I had asked her to play now of my own volition.

“I can watch.”

Yes!  “Okay.”

“Are you going to play the car racing game?” she asked eagerly, and I groaned. I should have known that she didn’t really want to watch.

“No, I’m going to play my WCW game. Practice my wrestling.” I flexed my arms to show her my muscles, but she didn’t look too impressed. Typical kid. She had no clue that I’d been lifting fifty-pound weights for the last couple of months.

“Wrestling is boring,” she spoke innocently, and I tried not to let it annoy me.

Wrestling was my life. I wanted to be in the WWE when I grew older. I was going to be called ‘The Real Batman’ and I’d wear a black cape and mask and be totally awesome.

“You’re too young to understand.”

“I’m not too young to know it’s boring.” She grinned at me and I laughed.

“Very funny, Riley. Don’t make me pinch you.”

“I’ll tell my mom.” She gave me a look, and this time I didn’t hold back my groan.

“Please don’t. I don’t need her coming over here again, begging my parents to make me be nice to you.”

She giggled. “She didn’t beg.”

“She did.”

“Well, it worked.” She got off of the bed and came and gave me a hug. “Now you’re my private bodyguard.”

“You know it.” I gave her an awkward hug back. “I’m your personal Batman.”

“Uh huh.” She smiled up at me.

I was about to say something else when Eden knocked on the door.

“What are you guys doing?” She sauntered in without waiting for an answer to her knock.

“What do you think, dork?” I rolled my eyes.

“K-I-S-S-I-N-G!” Eden laughed and I shuddered.

“That’s disgusting, Eden. What do you want?”

“Want to come and do nails, Riley?” She walked over to her friend. “You can use the red.”

“Are you sure?” A grin spread across Riley’s face. “I thought it was your favorite.”

“I’m sure. It’s my favorite, but you’re my best friend.” Eden linked her arm through Riley’s and they walked back out of my bedroom door.

I shook my head as I watched them go and then picked up my phone to call Luke.

“Wassup, dawg,” Luke drawled into the phone, trying to imitate his favorite rappers.

“What up?” I sat on the bed and looked at the door. “You wanna come over and play video games?”

“Dude, my mom said I gotta finish my homework before I go anywhere.”

“You nearly done?”

“Do you think I’m nearly done? I’ve got homework from last week that I still gotta do.” He groaned. “This school shit sucks.”

“I know, I know.” I sighed. Luke had been my best friend for years and I loved him, but sometimes I wished that he was a little bit more on the ball. “You think you can finish in the next hour? I’m sure you can stay over for dinner.”

“What’s your mom cooking?” he asked eagerly. Luke loved coming over for dinner, as my mom was a great cook and his mom was the queen of takeout. As much as we both loved takeout, we didn’t want to eat it every night.

“Meatloaf, I think.”

“With mashed potatoes?” His voice was excited and I laughed. I knew that Luke would do whatever it took to get over to my house that evening now that he knew my mom was making her famous mashed potatoes.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“I’ll be there in an hour.” He hung up the phone and I grinned before running down the stairs.

“Mom!” I shouted as I ran. “Mom, what are you cooking for dinner?”

“Mom went out to grab a pizza.” Eden poked her head out of her door and made a face at me.

“Not again,” I groaned.

Now that my dad had started working late, Mom was making fewer meals at home. I was fed up with pizza. She didn’t even get the good kind. I felt like I was starting to look like Hungry Howie every time I glanced in a mirror.

“I like pizza.” Eden stuck her tongue out, and I ran into the room and grabbed her. “Put me down!” she squealed. “Hudson!”

“You’re a brat.” I dropped her on the bed and she giggled.

“Whatever. At least I’m getting pizza.”

“I wish mom would make meatloaf.” I shook my head, frustrated.

“I’ll make it if you want.” Riley smiled up at me, and I couldn’t stop from smiling back at her. She was a brat as well, but definitely not as bad as my sister.

“Thanks, Riley. Maybe next time.” I tousled the top of her hair.

“Yeah.” She nodded at me with eager eyes as I walked through the door and back to my room. “Just let me know, Hudson.”

Chapter 2

Riley

Six Years Ago

Hudson Blake reminded me of a hawk: a majestic, maddening, and daring hawk. When he looked at me, I felt like I was his prey: weak, innocent, and totally willing. I think it was the way he talked to me that had made me fall in love with him. He was always so caring and sensitive to my feelings. It was like he knew that I was a gentle creature to be coddled delicately. He never teased me mercilessly like he did Eden.

The first time I realized that Hudson might be as attracted to me as I was to him was when I was fifteen. I was staying over for a sleepover, and I wandered into his room to escape the gossiping that was going on among the girls.

He looked up at me and smiled. "Hey."

"What are you doing?" I walked up to his desk and looked at his blank computer screen. "You weren't looking at porn, were you?"

"No," he laughed. "Of course not."

"What do you mean, of course not? You're eighteen. Eighteen-year-old boys look at a lot of porn."

"You seem very sure of that." He raised an eyebrow at me and smirked. "Been checking it out yourself, have you?"

"No, of course not." I blushed and played with my hair.

"What are you girls up to then?" He frowned and stared at my fingers for a few seconds.

"Talking about boys and other girls." I made a face.

"Not enjoying that?" He laughed as I shook my head. "You and Eden are like chalk and cheese. I'm not sure how you've made it as best friends for all of these years."

"What do you mean?" I asked, not quite understanding what he was saying.

"Nothing bad." He stood up and I stared up at him as he towered over me.

Hudson was wearing a plain white t-shirt and a pair of black shorts, and it was impossible for me to ignore how handsome he looked. His hair was spiked up and his hazel eyes were light with humor. I smiled up at him and then gasped as I noticed a tattoo on his upper arm.

"What's that?" I reached over and lightly touched his upper arm.

"What does it look like, Ms. Straight-A-Student?"

"You got a tattoo?" I asked in a disappointed tone. I wasn’t sure why I was disappointed, but I really felt let down.

“Yeah. Don’t you like it?”

I shrugged. “It’s okay.”

“I guess you’ll never get a tattoo then?”

“No. I don’t think so.”

“I can’t convince you?” He grinned and flopped down on his bed.

“Doubt it.” I stood there, staring down at him, and he laughed.

“Don’t look so serious. I’m not going to force you to get one.”

“I didn’t think you were going to force me.”

“Come sit.” He patted the bed and I walked over and joined him. “What’s wrong?”

“What do you mean?”

“I can tell you’re upset.”

“How?” I asked, surprised. “I didn’t say anything.”

“You didn’t need to tell me, Riley. I know you like I know the back of my hand.”

“Uh huh.”

“So what’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I mumbled and lay back on the bed next to him. “It’s embarrassing.”

“You don’t have to be embarrassed around me.”

“I know.”  I turned to face him, and he was staring at me with his concerned hazel eyes. I stared into his eyes and tried not to focus too much on how handsome his face was.

“Tell me, Riley.”

“I just feel stupid because I’ve never kissed a boy before.”

His brow furrowed. “Why does that make you feel stupid? There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“I’m the only girl who hasn’t been kissed.” I blushed.

“So that just makes you even more special.”

“Whatever.” I shook my head and groaned. “I feel like a loser.”

“You’re not a loser.”

“I just don’t know what to do,” I admitted shyly. “I feel like I don’t know what to do if a boy kisses me.”

“Has a boy tried to kiss you?” He frowned.

“Not really.” I made a face, and he laughed, suddenly carefree again. “I guess guys just don’t like me.”

“Don’t be silly. You’re beautiful.”

I made another face and he pulled me closer to him.

“Don’t make a face at me.”

“I’m not.” I was mere inches away from him now, and I could feel my heart racing.

“Liar.” He grinned and leaned closer to me. “Close your eyes.”

“Why?” I stared into his eyes, feeling completely breathless.

“Because I’m going to teach you how to kiss and I want you to concentrate on the movement of my lips.”

“Oh, uh, okay.” I blinked rapidly, swallowing hard. I didn’t know what to say, and ‘thank you’ sounded too lame.

I closed my eyes and waited. I was unprepared for the warm feeling that filled me as I felt his lips pressed softly against mine. I lay there still and unmoving as he kissed me, and I heard him chuckle as he pulled away from me.

“You can kiss back, Riley,” he laughed.

“Sorry, what?” I opened my eyes slowly, feeling disoriented.

“I said, kiss back. If you just lay there like a fish, it’s not going to be fun.”

“Oh, my bad.”

“Okay, let’s try this again.” He smiled wickedly. “Keep your eyes open this time.”

“Okay,” I mumbled and took a deep breath. I waited for him to lean forward again.

“Stare into my eyes and move towards me. You’re going to instigate the kiss this time.”

“But I don’t know what to do.”

“That’s what I’m teaching you.” He grinned.

“Okay.” I took a deep breath and slowly leaned towards him.

I stopped right before my lips touched his, and I could see the humor in his eyes. I gently pressed my lips against his and waited to see what was going to happen next. Hudson just lay there for a second and I didn’t know what to do, but then he leaned towards me and grabbed my hair, pushing my face into his. I felt his lips crushing down on mine and kissed him back, trying to mimic the movement of his lips. I reached my hands up to his hair and stared into his eyes. Hudson’s lips crushed into mine, and I felt the tip of his tongue touching my lips.

I sprang back then and gasped. “What are you doing?” I questioned him with wide eyes.

“Teaching you how to kiss.”

“But you used your tongue.”

“It’s called a French kiss, Riley.”

“But we’re not in France,” I mumbled, feeling stupid. I knew my face was burning a deep shade of red, and I could see that he was laughing at me from the sparkle in his eyes.

“You can’t tell me you’ve never heard of a French kiss before.” There was shock in his eyes and he laughed slightly.

“You’re a jerk.” I pushed his shoulder hard.

“No.” He grabbed my hand. “I’m your teacher.” He leaned towards me again and brought my face towards his. “Close your eyes and do what you think is right.”

“What I think—”

Hudson’s lips interrupted my speech and I closed my eyes, trying to let my body and not my brain guide me. His lips were soft at first, and I felt myself kissing him back gently, but then his fingers ran through my hair and he pulled my face closer to him. His tongue deftly slipped into my mouth, and I slowly pushed my tongue into his mouth, enjoying the unexpected warm feelings that were coursing through me.

His tongue met mine, and I allowed my tongue to touch his. It tasted and felt funny, and I pulled away a little bit. Hudson pulled my face back towards him, and I allowed his tongue to enter my mouth again. This time, his tongue was rougher as it explored my mouth as if looking for cavities. My eyes popped open as he ran his hands down my side and rolled me into my back.

His eyes looked down at me with an unfamiliar emotion, and I felt his body crushing down onto mine. I gazed up at him and ran my hands down his back, not knowing what to do. I shifted on the bed beneath him and suddenly he froze and jumped off of the bed.

“Okay, great. I think you get the idea.” He walked back to his computer and sat down at his desk without looking at me.

“Oh, okay.” I sat up, feeling confused and stared at his back. “Is everything okay, Hudson?”

“Yeah, yeah, it’s fine.” His voice sounded gruff, and I swallowed hard.

What had happened? Was I such a bad kisser that he was disgusted by me?

“I’m going to leave now.”

“Fine,” he mumbled and clicked the keys on his laptop.

“Thanks,” I whispered, standing at his door.

I gently rubbed my lips, not really believing what had just happened. Had I really just kissed Hudson? My heart was singing with joy, even though my brain was upset and confused.

“No worries,” he mumbled and sighed, but then he turned around and smiled. “There’s nothing to be worried about, Riley. You’re a good kisser.” He stared at me for a few moments and then continued. “If you were older, I’d be teaching you even more.”

“Even more what?” I frowned and stared into his hazel eyes.

“You’ll figure it out one day.” He shook his head and ran his hand through his silky hair. “Now scoot. I’ve got things to do.”

I walked out of his room with a huge smile on my face, even though I’d just been dismissed. He had enjoyed kissing me, I was sure of that. Maybe one day, we’d be kissing for real.

I stopped in the hallway, rested my head against the wall, and closed my eyes. It was now hitting me. I had just kissed Hudson Blake. The boy of my dreams, even though no one else knew that.

Chapter 3

Hudson

Five Years Ago

“Hudson, let’s go to the Sigma Kappa party tonight.” Luke stood at the door to my dorm with wide, eager eyes.

“I have a test tomorrow.” I shook my head.

“Dude, there are going to be lots of hot girls. We might even get laid.” He grinned and walked into the room. “Plus, think of all the times in high school you convinced me to play video games when I had a test the next day.”

“Dude, that was on you. I didn’t make you do anything.” I grinned back at him and he shook his head.

“Come on, Hudson.” He sat on my bed and I pushed him off. “Don’t you want to get some?”

“Not really.” I shook my head and looked down. There was only one girl who set my heart on fire.

“Come on! The girls are hot. You know sorority girls. They love to give it up easy.”

“I don’t want a girl who gives it up easy.”

“Dude, just come for me then. And at least you can tell Eden and Riley that they shouldn’t join sororities when they go to college because you know firsthand how slutty the girls are.”

“I’m not going to tell my sister and her best friend that sorority girls are slutty.” I gave him a look and he laughed.

“Dude, it’s going to be epic. What are you doing? You’re ruining the college experience for us.”

“I’m not,” I lied. I knew I was.

I hadn’t really been to any parties since we’d started college. Sure, I’d been to a few and had a few hookups here and there, but nothing special. I hadn’t met any girls who’d touched me in any sort of way. But I couldn’t tell Luke why. He’d laugh if he knew I had a crush on Riley.

She was supposed to be like my little sister, but I couldn’t stop myself from feeling more for her. I think the day I taught her to kiss was the catalyst of my affections. Her response had been so sweet, yet so primal. I’d been ashamed of myself for feeling something for her. Something that was far from innocent.

“Whatever.” Luke walked to the door in a huff. “Live your life like some monk. See where that gets you.” He stopped at the door and turned towards me before he left. “I thought this was going to be the time of our lives, but frankly, you’re making it really shitty. Some best friend you are.”

There were a million responses I could have come back with. The one on the tip of my tongue was something along the lines of, “Then get some more friends and stop harassing me.” But I knew I couldn’t say that. For all his bravado, Luke was very sensitive and emotional. So I replied in the only way I knew how. “Fine, I’ll be ready at eight, but I’m not staying out late.”

“Don’t worry about it, dude.” He grinned in pure joy at me. “I’m sure I’ll be in some back bedroom by nine, so you can leave then.”

“Uh huh. Are you sure you want to sleep in someone else’s house?”

“Asshole. I won’t be sleeping. I’ll be doing that slow grind.”

I laughed as he started moving his arms and hips and covered my eyes. “Please, that is not an image I want to be seeing right now.”

“I’ll see you later.” He laughed as he left the room, and I jumped up and grabbed my book bag to head to the library.

I knew I still had to study for the test or I was going to fail. I grabbed my books and my laptop and quickly put them in my bag. I was about to leave the room, but instead I went back and pulled up my pillow.

There was a photo of Riley at the beach, and I stared at it for a few seconds before touching my finger to my lips and then to the photo. I put the photo down and covered it gently with my pillow before I walked out of the dorm. I sighed as I walked to the library.

I was starting to feel like a bit of a loser spending my days thinking about Riley. She wasn’t my girlfriend, and for all I knew, she had a boyfriend. There was no way I was going to make a move on her. She was still in high school and lived hours away. And she was my sister’s best friend. And her mom had asked me to look after her. There were way too many reasons for me to not follow my feelings. Because really, I didn’t even understand how I felt.

* * *

There were five girls running around the room doing shots and pulling off various items of clothing when Luke and I made it to the party at nine. We both grabbed a beer as soon as we walked into the house.

“This is why I love sorority parties. Such easy access to alcohol.”

“Sure. That’s why you love them.” I rolled my eyes, chugged my Bud Light, and looked around. I watched a hot redhead pulling off her top and grinned. Maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad after all.

“Hey, bad boy.” A cute girl with long blond hair walked up to me and stroked my chest. “What are you doing here?”

“Excuse me?” I frowned up at her. “What do you mean?’

“Don’t you belong at some bikers’ meeting or something with those tattoos?”

“I’m not a biker.” I frowned again and stepped back. “Sorry.”

“Oh, don’t be sorry. You’re still sexy as hell.” She stepped towards me again, but this time she stumbled and fell against me. “Oops.” She giggled.

“Lara.” Another girl ran over to us and gave me an apologetic look. “Lara, I think it’s time for us to leave.” The girl smiled at her friend and then at me. She had a sweet smile, and I stared back at her.

“I’m not going anywhere. We just got here.”

“Come on, Lara.” The girl tried again. “You’ve had too much to drink.”

“No, I haven’t.” Lara hiccupped and I laughed.

“What time did you guys start drinking?” I asked the new girl.

“Lara’s been drinking since six.” The girl rolled her pretty brown eyes. “I don’t drink.”

“Clara’s a goody two-shoes.” Lara looked at her friend in disgust.

I stared at Clara, who was now blushing, and looked her over. She was a pretty girl, with her shoulder-length curly hair, brown eyes, and caramel skin. She looked up at me then and rolled her eyes, and I gave her a sympathetic smile. It was obvious to me that she had been dragged to the party, just like I had been.

“What can I say? I don’t love parties with lots of drunk girls and guys looking to take advantage of them.” Clara smiled at me, and I nodded in agreement.

“I agree. It’s not really fun, is it?” I looked around the room and watched as Luke flirted with a girl who appeared to be drunker than Lara, who was now walking away to go hit on another guy.

“No, it’s not. I’d much rather be home reading a book.”

“Oh, you like to read?”

“Yes, I love it. You?”

“Not really.” I made a face and she laughed.

“At least you’re honest.”

“That I am.”

“So do you have a girlfriend, Mr. Honest?” She looked up at me with a curious light in her brown eyes. I stared at her pretty face and thought for a moment.

“No.” I shook my head. “I’m single as can be.”

“So am I.” She smiled back at me and looked down. “Oh, I can’t believe I just said that.”

“Why?” I laughed and smiled down at her.

“Because I’m not usually this forward.”

“Then I’m glad you were tonight.”

“Yeah?” She took a step towards me and beamed at me. “Then I’m glad I was as well.”

“Wanna get out of here?”

“Sure. Where do you want to go?”

“I was thinking we could go sit by the beach? Watch the stars and talk?”

“Oh.” She made a face. “The wind isn’t good for my hair.”

“Oh.” I was disappointed in her answer. I knew Riley would have jumped at the opportunity to go and stare at the stars.

“But maybe we can go and get milkshakes at Steak ‘n Shake?” she suggested with a sweet smile, and I nodded.

“Sounds good.”

We walked out of the party together, and while I was happy to be leaving the party and getting to know her better, a part of me felt sad. A part of me felt like I was giving up something I’d never really had.

* * *

“So, tell me all about yourself, Hudson Blake.” She leaned forward and sipped on her chocolate milkshake.

“Want do you want to know?” I ate some fries and sat back. “I’m nineteen, a sophomore. I love video games. I’ve had the same best friend my whole life. I’ve got two tattoos. I like wrestling and boxing. I’m single.” I smiled wide at her and she laughed.

“Wow, that tells me a lot, but not really.” She grinned.

“Why don’t you tell me about you?” I sipped some of my shake and waited for her to talk.

“I’m nineteen as well and a sophomore. I want to be a doctor when I grow older to help find a cure for cancer. I also want to be a doctor because they make a lot of money and I want to buy my mom a house. I’m mixed as well.”

“Mixed?” I laughed. “Mixed up in the head?”

“No,” she giggled and stole some French fries off my plate. “My mom is black and Native American, and my dad is white.”

“Are your parents still married?”

“No.” She grinned. “My dad remarried and I have two small brothers with the blondest hair and bluest eyes. It’s really funny when we all go out. People stare at me and wonder what I’m doing with them.”

“I suppose they think you’re the nanny.”

She burst out laughing. “Exactly! That’s not an issue, is it?”

“What, that you’re a nanny?” I raised an eyebrow at her, and she leaned forward and hit me in the shoulder.

“No, that I’m mixed.”

“Doesn’t matter to me if it doesn’t matter to you that I’m all English.”

“I love English men.”

“Well, I should clarify.” I laughed. “I’m not actually English, but I think my ancestors are.”

“That’s pretty cool.”

“Yeah, I can even put on an accent.” I cleared my throat. “G’day, guv’nor, my name’s Hudson.” I spoke in my best Cockney voice, and Clara burst out laughing.

“That was absolutely awful,” she said between sobs. “Please never do that again.”

“Wot do ya mean, mate? I’m from London, England,” I continued and grinned as I watched Clara laughing. There were tears coming out of her eyes and she was doubled over.

“I think ‘mate’ is Australian,” she giggled, and I reached over and wiped a tear off her cheek. She paused then and stared at me, her face turning a deep red.

“I hope you don’t mind me touching you.”

“No, that was very nice of you.”

“We sound so formal.” I laughed. “If Luke were here, he’d jump up and moon us or something to get the party started.”

“Luke is your friend, right?”

“Yeah, he’s my best friend. He’s the one who dragged me to the party.”

“Yeah, Lara is my best friend and the one who made me go as well.” She sighed. “We should hook them up.”

“I don’t think you want your best friend to date Luke.” I shook my head. “I love him, but he’s not anyone I would recommend as a boyfriend right now.”

“Oh yeah?” She laughed. “Then he’d definitely be perfect for Lara.”

“Oh, Clara. You’re so bad. Who knew?”

“Not me.” She shook her head and laughed. “Do you want to get out of here and do something?”

“Something like what?”

“Maybe we can go and drink.”

“Drink?” I paused, surprised at her words.

“Yeah, maybe we can grab some beers and smoke pot.”

“Oh. I didn’t know you—”

“Oh, I don’t at parties, but otherwise, why not?” She jumped up, grabbed my hand, and pulled me up. “Let’s go.”

“Okay.” I got out of the booth slowly, suddenly unsure how I felt about continuing the night with her.

Her comment had taken me aback. I’d thought we were on the same wavelength about drugs and alcohol, but apparently I’d been wrong. I was thinking about a way to tell her I had to go home when my phone started ringing.

“Hello?” I answered hesitantly, as the number was unknown.

“Hudson, where are you?” Eden’s voice was loud, and I could hear loud music in the background.

“I’m just leaving Steak ‘n Shake. Why? What’s wrong? Is Riley okay?”

“Huh?” Eden sounded confused. “I’m at home. We’re having a party.” She giggled. “Riley’s in the closet right now making out with Steve Anders.”

“What?” I could tell that my voice sounded agitated, but I couldn’t help it.

“Seven Minutes in Heaven.” She giggled again, and I took a deep breath. “That’s what we’re playing. I’m hoping I’ll get to go in with Zack Spinelli. He is so hot.”

“What do you want, Eden?”

“Do you know where Mom and Dad leave the keys to the liquor cabinet? I wanted to make screwdrivers for everyone.”

“Eden, are you joking?” My voice was loud, and I saw Clara give me an anxious look.

“Don’t get all high and mighty on me, Hudson Blake. I know you and Luke drank plenty of whiskey in your time.”

“That was different.”

“Why? Because you’re guys?”

“No.” I sighed. “Because you are girls and you have guys over. Alcohol makes people act funny. You don’t want anyone getting pregnant during those seven minutes in heaven.”

“Hudson, gross!” Eden shouted, and I heard someone whispering something to her.

“Who’s that?”

“Riley says hi,” she continued. “Riley, get on the phone with my stupid brother and tell him to tell you where the key is.”

“Hello.” Riley’s voice was soft and I smiled involuntarily.

“Hey, egghead.” I laughed into the phone and heard her groan.

“What’s up, asshole?” she muttered, and I closed my eyes for a second to picture her face. I knew exactly what face she’d be making right now.

“I’m not telling you how to get into the liquor cabinet,” I continued and then realized that Clara was just standing there, looking at me uncomfortably. “Hey, let me call you guys back in a few minutes, okay?”

“No need,” Riley giggled, and I frowned. “Just a second, Hudson,” she said into the phone, and then I heard her laughing hysterically. “Stop it, Steve! You’re going to make me drop the phone!”

I frowned even more as I heard her laughing, and I felt a dark emotion run through me. I gripped the phone tightly as I listened to Riley flirting.

“Riley, I have to go,” I spoke into the phone with a stern voice.

“Okay. Bye.” She hung up then, and I stood there, feeling like someone had just slammed a door hard in my face.

“Everything okay?” Clara looked at me with a concerned face.

“Yeah.” I nodded slowly and gave her a weak smile. “Just my sister and her silly friends.” I shrugged. “Nothing important. Let’s go and get that drink, yeah?”

“Sounds good to me.” She grabbed my hand as we walked out and smiled up at me. “I’m so glad I met you, Hudson.”

“Me too.” I tried to mean the words as I said them, but all I could think about was Riley.

What was she doing at the party? What was she going to end up doing? What if she slept with that guy Steve? I felt my blood boiling and tried to ignore the feeling of emptiness that was slowly filling me up.

“Hold on a sec, Clara.” I pulled my phone out and called my parents, leaving a voicemail. “Mom, you and Dad need to get home as soon as you can. Eden is having a party and I’m pretty sure things are getting out of control. I suggest you go home as soon as you can before something bad happens.” I hung up and put the phone in my pocket, feeling a little better.

I knew my parents well. As soon as they got that message, they would be racing home. The party would be broken up and all the boys would be sent home. All that would be left was a girls’ sleepover. Steve—whoever he was—would be gone and Riley would be snuggled up under my roof, safe and sound. I tried not to examine my feelings too much. I was trying to protect my sister and her best friend. That was what big brothers were supposed to do.

Chapter 4

Riley

Four Years Ago

Every summer, Eden and I would go to her parents’ beach house in Englewood, Florida, for two weeks. I would accompany her parents and Hudson, and sometimes Luke, Hudson’s best friend, would come as well. As we got older, I always worried that Hudson would stop coming, but he never did. Those summers were magical. We would swim and boat, sleep under the stars, and grill out almost every night. Eden’s parents let us do our own thing most of the time, so during those summers, we really felt like adults.

The summer I was eighteen, right before my senior year in high school, Hudson brought someone else with him. Her name was Clara, and he proudly introduced her as his girlfriend.

"This is Clara," he spoke to Eden, who stared at the beautiful brunette with wide, eager eyes.

"Nice to meet you, Clara. I'm Hudson's sister, Eden, and this is my best friend and almost-sister, Riley."

I smiled weakly at the girl who stood in front of me holding Hudson's hand.

"Hi." Her voice was as sweet as she looked, and I tried to dismiss my thoughts of jealousy.

"Riley." Hudson's voice was surprised as he looked me over. "You've grown." His eyes traveled the expanse of my body and back up to my eyes. There was an odd expression on his face, and he frowned. "I haven't seen you in a while."

Eden rolled her eyes. "Now that you're a college man, you don't have time for your two sisters."

"Riley's not my sister." His voice was harsh, and my face reddened. "I'm going to go and show Clara around now. I'll see you guys later." And with that, he turned around quickly and walked out of the room, Clara scurrying behind him.

"He's such a pain." Eden rolled her eyes at the door. "I can't believe he got a girl as beautiful as her though!"

"Why not?" I looked at her in surprise. "He's hot."

"Eww! No he's not." She pretended to puke. "He's annoying and gross. Don't you agree?" She gave me a pointed look and I nodded.

What was the point of telling her that I harbored feelings for her brother? It was just a teenage crush, and he wasn't interested. He'd never be interested in me. Especially not now that he had a beautiful girlfriend.

"He's a boy. All boys are gross," I replied as if that explained it all. I tried to ignore the pangs of jealousy and pain that twirled in my stomach. "Let's go swim." I ran into our shared room and looked for my swimming suit so that she wouldn’t ask me any more questions.

* * *

The day that changed my life started off like every other day. I woke up and went to the kitchen to get some cereal while Eden lay in bed, still snoring. I was pouring out my Frosted Flakes when Hudson walked in, bare-chested.

"Morning, Squirt." He wrinkled my hair.

"Morning, Gramps." I made a face at him and he laughed.

"What are you eating?"

"Cereal."

"Boring." It was his turn to make a face. "Want to go and get pancakes?"

"You and me?" My heart started beating fast as I stared at him with hopeful eyes.

"Yeah. I assume Eden is still in bed?"

"Of course."

"We'll call her on the way back. See if she wants anything." He grinned. "Now go and get dressed."

“What about Clara?”

He frowned. “She’s suffering from  a hangover.”

“Oh.” I bit my lip and then continued. “Is she in your room?”

“No.” He shook his head. “She’s in her room.”

“Oh, you guys aren’t sleeping together?”

“Not on this trip.” He laughed. “Mom and Dad aren’t that cool.”

“Oh, okay.” Did that mean that he and Clara had slept together before or not? I knew it was none of my business, but I really wanted to know.

“Why?” He gave me a thoughtful look, and I stared at his lips, remembering the night he had taught me to kiss.

“I was just curious.” I shrugged and turned away. “Let me go and get my clothes on.”

I ran out of the room and made my way to the bathroom so that I could brush my teeth and wash my face. After that, I ran to the bedroom I was sharing with Eden and looked through my clothes for something cute but unassuming to wear. I decided on a black tank top and a pair of white shorts, and I was just brushing my hair when Hudson poked his head into the room.

“You’re not still getting ready, are you, Riley?”

“Yes. I had to put my clothes on.”

“Come on,” he groaned as I pulled out my lip gloss. “You don’t need that.”

“I’m coming.” I rolled my eyes at him and reached for my blusher.

“Riley,” he groaned again, and I glared at him.

“Be quiet,” Eden mumbled as she rolled over in her bed.

“Are you up, Eden?” I whispered, with my heart in my mouth.

“No,” she grumbled and rolled over again.

I grinned at Hudson and hurried out of the room. I was glad that Eden was staying in bed. I hadn’t spent time alone with Hudson in years, and I was looking forward to it.

“Are you finally ready?” He rolled his eyes at me and I shoved him.

“You’re an ass.” I laughed as we walked towards the front door.

“Watch who you’re talking to.” He grabbed me around the waist and pushed me against the wall. “I’m dangerous, you know.”

“Uh huh.” I giggled. “You’re the most dangerous twenty-year-old in the world.”

“And you think you’re the smartest eighteen-year-old.”

“Well, you know. I’m a eighteen-year-old rebel.”

“Well, rebel, want to go for a swim before breakfast?”

“At the beach?”

“Yeah.” He nodded and stared into my eyes. “Or are you worried about your hair?”

“What’s there to worry about?” I laughed. “It’s going to look like a frizzy mess in a few minutes anyways.”

“Oh, Riley.” He laughed, and then we both paused as we heard a sound.

“Hudson? Hudson, are you awake?” Clara called out, and I felt a surge of disappointment wash through my stomach. That was it then. Clara was now up.

“Shh.” Hudson placed a finger against my lips. “Let’s go.” He let me go and we walked quietly to the door, exiting quickly. We ran to his car in giggles, and I jumped in, feeling high on life.

“Why didn’t you answer her?” I asked him as he started the ignition.

“I wanted to spend a morning with my favorite girl uninterrupted,” he answered with a quick grin, and I sat back, feeling happier than I had in a long time.

“Then what are we waiting for?” I reached forward and turned on the radio. The Beach Boys’ high voices came vibrating out of the speakers, and I sang along to the music.

“So tell me. How are college applications going?” Hudson gave me a quick look before pulling onto the main road.

“Eh, still trying to decide where I want to go.” I shrugged and looked out the window. “And what I want to study.”

“What are you thinking?”

“English or journalism.”

“What are you going to do with them?”

“Maybe become an English teacher or a journalist.” I laughed and turned to him. “What about you? You graduate soon. What are you going to do?”

“I have no clue,” he sighed. “Mom and Dad keep telling me to go to law school, but I have no interest in being an attorney.”

“Yeah, that sounds like a boring job.”

“Maybe I’ll just travel the world and then decide.”

“Travel the world?” I looked away, not wanting him to see how disappointed that made me. I didn’t want him to travel the world.

“Yeah. It’s something Clara and I have been thinking about.” He frowned and then accelerated.

“Oh, Clara is going as well?” My disappointment became jealousy, and I looked out the window, nibbling on my lower lip.

“She’s thinking of taking a year off before med school, but she’s not sure.” He shrugged.

“So you guys are serious?”

“I can’t really answer that question. We don’t see each other that much, what with all her studying and her part-time job.”

“She has a job?”

He nodded. “She helps to support her mom.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah, she’s a good girl.”

I looked over at him as he pulled off of the highway. “You really love her, huh?”

“I don’t know.” He gave me a quick look. “What’s love, really?”

“Does she make your heart race when you look at her? Does your stomach do flip-flops? Can you breathe when she’s not around?”

“What are these questions, Riley? Have you been reading too many romance novels again?”

“I don’t read romance novels,” I lied. They were my dirty little secret. I devoured about two romance novels a week, and all I could think about when I read them was me and Hudson riding off into the sunset.

“Well, then you need to stop watching chick flicks. Sometimes being with someone isn’t about all that sappy stuff,” he snapped. “Sometimes you’re with someone because the alternative is not acceptable.”

I stared at him with wide eyes. “You really don’t want to be alone, do you?”

“What are you talking about?” he sighed.

“You just said if you weren’t with Clara you’d be alone and that wouldn’t be acceptable.”

He shook his head in frustration. “I said no such thing.”

“That’s what I thought you meant.”

“Well, you thought wrong.” He pulled into the parking lot of a diner and stared at me. “You’re eighteen, Riley. You have the rest of your life to worry about love and all that nonsense. Don’t get caught up in it now.”

“I’m not caught up in anything.” My face went red as I got out of the car. “Asshole,” I whispered under my breath.

“I heard that.” He laughed and grabbed me from behind. I shrieked as he had caught me unaware, and he started tickling me.

“Hudson!” I squealed as his fingers worked their way under my arms. “Stop it!” I tried to escape his hold, but he pulled me closer towards him.

“What’s the magic word, Riley?”

“Please!” I pouted slowly as I stared up into his eyes.

“No.” He grinned down at me, his hazel eyes mocking me as his lips moved dangerously close.

“Open sesame.”

“What?” He laughed and tightened his grip on me.

“Hudson, let go of me.” I tried to push him away, but all I could feel was his solid muscle underneath my fingertips.

“Not until you say the magic word.”

“I don’t know what the magic word is.” I shook my head and he laughed.

“I’m not letting you go until you get it right.”

“But I’m hungry,” I groaned and batted my eyelashes up at him.

“I suggest you start guessing or you may starve.”

“Oh yeah?” I whispered as a thought entered my mind.

“Yeah.”

“We’ll see about that.” I giggled, and then took a deep breath.

My brain was screaming at me for my stupid idea. Don’t do it, Riley! Don’t do it! But I couldn’t stop myself. I stood on tiptoes, leaning slightly forward, and kissed Hudson. I could see the shock in his eyes as our lips made contact. His lips tasted sweeter than I remembered, and I gasped as his tongue entered my mouth slowly.

“Hudson.” My eyes widened as I felt his hands running down my back.

“You wanna sin, Riley? Then you gotta do it right.” He laughed against my lips and then pulled me into his arms as he kissed me harder.

I closed my eyes then and blocked out every other thought and feeling other than the touch of his lips against mine.

PART II

Chapter 5

Hudson

Present Day

“A million dollars, dude. You can dirty up your pretty face for a million dollars.” Luke punched me in the shoulders as he continued his fast talking. “And I’ll be your manager.”

“I don’t think so.” I shook my head and laughed.

Luke was my best friend, but I would be a fool to listen to anything he said. He always had a new scheme to make money, and I had learned the hard way when we were teens that what he said didn’t ever come true.

“Come on. What do you have to lose?”

“Every fight.” I rolled my eyes. “I’m not a fighter, Luke.”

“You’re not a lover either.” He grinned at me with his million-watt smile.

“I’m not a girl.” I laughed. “Batting your baby blues at me isn’t going to get me to agree.”

“You do this. I’ll get you as much ass as you want.”

“I can get my own ass.” I stood up and stretched. “Anyways, I gotta go.”

“C’mon, Hudson,” Luke pouted and threw his beer can into the trash as if he were Kobe Bryant going for the winning shot in the last game of the NBA finals. “We need this.”

“I don’t need this.” I shook my head. “And you just need to get a job.”

“Don’t nag. You’re not my mother.”

“Thank God.”

“The economy’s shit. You know that.” He shrugged. “When it gets better, I’ll get a job.”

“And until then, you’ll live off your momma?”

“I don’t wanna live off my momma. I want you to enter this damn fight and win a million dollars. Dude, do you know what we can do with a million dollars?”

“Nope.” I shook my head again and laughed at him. “Please stop trying to seduce me with your eyes. Save it for the girls.”

“I’m practicing on you until Riley gets home,” he joked, and I froze for a second.

“What did I tell you about, Riley?” I kept my voice calm, but my insides were storming up at the sound of her name. “Don’t even joke about Riley. Or Eden,” I added for good measure.

“I won’t go after your sister, dude.” Luke laughed. “Now her best friend? Yummy.” He licked his lips. “I don’t know if I can back away from her.”

“Not funny.” I glared at him, heat rising in me. I clenched my fists and took a step back.

“I’m just joking. Damn, Hudson. I know she’s like your sister as well.” Luke shook his head and then stared at my fists. “You were not just about to hit me, were you?”

“Get a life.”

“I’ll get a life if you sign up for one fight.” He collapsed on the couch. “It’s not just about me. You could also give some money to Clara’s mom. I heard she still hasn’t found a job.”

I flinched as he said Clara’s name. “The economy’s rough. She’ll find a job.”

“She’s so depressed.” He shrugged and looked away from me. “I don’t know that she’ll ever be able to work again. I heard my mom say that she thought Clara’s mom may lose her house.”

“What?” I frowned and felt a nerve jumping in my neck. “I thought she had insurance money.”

“It’s gone.” His voice sounded normal, but the words seemed to reverberate in my mind. Well, really only one word. Gone. Gone. Gone. It was like the clanging of a gong against my temple.

“I’ll see if I can give her some money.” I shook my head, trying to shake the inevitable headache I knew was coming.

Luke made a face. “For the rest of her life?”

“I don’t know.” I sighed and looked away from him again. “I gotta go.”

“Think about the fight. It could solve a lot of problems.” Luke made one last passionate plea. “And giving Clara’s mom a bunch of money may make you feel better.”

“I guess.” I shrugged, but a light in my head went off at his words.

“You can even help Eden with her tuition.”

“Yeah.”

“When are they coming home though? I seriously haven’t seen Eden or Riley in ages.”

“Eden was home a few weekends ago.” I opened the front door. “And Riley’s not my family so I have no clue what she is doing.”

“Is she dating anyone?” he asked curiously, and my heart stopped for a second.

“Who knows?” I looked at the wall, trying to ignore the tightening of my chest. “I don’t have her call me with updates.”

“She knows better than that. They both do. Who needs a father with a shotgun when you’ve got a brother that can fight them off with his hands?”

“She’s not my sister,” I muttered. “And I don’t beat guys off of anyone.”

“What about if it’s for a million dollars?”

“Luke.” I stared at his goofy smile for a second and then shook my head. “I swear, if we weren’t friends I would smack you.”

“Lucky for me, we’ve been friends since we were kids.” He laughed. “I’m too pretty to be bruised.”

“But I guess I’m ugly enough to stand a few scrapes and cuts?”

“You’re handsome enough to look even hotter with a few scars.” Luke shrugged. “It’ll just make more women want you.”

“I don’t want more women to like me.”

“You have to get over Clara at some point, Hudson.” Luke’s voice was suddenly serious, and once again I froze at his words. “I know it hurts, but—”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I quickly walked over to the door. “I’m out. I’ll see you later to shoot some hoops?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you at the court. I still...”

I didn’t hear the rest of Luke’s words as I immediately closed the door and walked to my car.

* * *

I decided to go swimming as soon as I got home. I was lucky enough to live in an apartment complex that had an Olympic-size pool. I wasn’t really sure how Rosemead Apartments had gotten the money to put in any sort of pool, but I wasn’t complaining. I walked through the parking lot filled with old and rusting cars and tried to ignore the crowd of guys huddled at the end of the parking lot, talking loudly and passing something around in a small bag. I could guess at what was in the bag, but I didn’t really want to know. I didn’t want anything to do with the other guys who lived in the Rosemead complex. I didn’t need any trouble.

I noticed a young blond guy with a marine buzz cut staring at me, and I started jogging to get away from them. I wished moving out were as easy. I hated living here at Rosemead; I absolutely hated it, but I felt like I needed to. Not because I couldn’t afford to live anywhere else. But this was for Clara. This was to make her happy.

Jamilah waved at me excitedly. “Hey, Hudson.”

“Hi, Jamilah.” I grinned at the little girl who was about to dive into the pool. “How is school going?”

“School is school.” She made a face. “It’s boring. But I think I’m going to make the swim team.”

“Well of course.” I smiled at her and looked around. “Where is your mom?”

“At work.” Jamilah chewed on her lower lip as she twisted her arms. “She got a new job, but she has to work evenings.”

“Where’s Marcus?”

“Doing his homework.” She shrugged. “I just came to practice swimming for an hour. Don’t tell my mom.”

I looked at her and tried to keep the smile on my face. I didn’t want her to see how upset I was. Jamilah was only ten and her brother was only eight. I felt bad that their mom had to leave them alone while she went to work, but I was angry that Jamilah was here by herself when I knew she was still a beginning swimmer.

“Hey, next time you want to go swimming and your mom isn’t home, come and find me, okay?” I gave her a look. “And if I’m not home, wait until me or your mom is available.”

“Okay.” She nodded. “Do you want to race?”

“Race?” I laughed. “But you know you’ll beat me.”

“I won’t.” She giggled. “I’ll be slow this time.”

“You can’t go slow just for me.” I smiled at her. “You need to go your fastest.”

“I will.” I watched the light fade from her eyes before she spoke again. “Hudson, do you think I have a real shot of making the team?”

“Of course!”

“But what if my mom can’t afford it?” She looked away from me. “There are fees to be a part of the team and she just got this job.”

“Jamilah, you’re ten. Let your mom worry about that.” I ran my hands over the top of her head to comfort her. “You just practice swimming.”

“Yeah, I guess.” She nodded. “Okay, one, two, three, go.” And with that, she did a clean dive into the pool and started doing a front crawl.

I watched her swim for a few seconds and then dove in behind her. The water felt cold and crisp against my skin, and my brain soared to life at the shock of my body submerging into the cold water without a second thought. My arms stretched out and got into their rhythm automatically: one, two, breathe, one, two, breathe.

I saw Jamilah’s legs kicking furiously in front of me as she tried desperately to keep her lead, and I slowed my pace slightly to ensure that I didn’t overtake her. I wanted to give her the confidence she needed to make certain she didn’t give up on her swimming dream. I could tell from the way that she was talking that it wasn’t going to take much to dissuade her.

It saddened me that she wasn’t pursuing her dreams like a normal kid. A kid shouldn’t have to worry about money or being bullied. I sighed inwardly as I reached the other side of the pool and thought to myself, If only there was a way for me to give her mom some money.

“I beat you, I beat you!” She splashed me with the water as she grinned at me. “I can’t believe I beat you.”

“I guess it’s the Olympics up for you next.”

“They’ll play the national anthem for me,” she beamed. “That would be awesome.”

“Yes, it would be.” I nodded in agreement.

“I wish it would really happen.” The smile left her face and she pushed herself out of the pool.

“It could happen if you practice a lot.” I jumped out of the pool with her.

“I don’t know.” She looked down. “I have to support my mom.”

Her words made me freeze. The memories that brought back to me were bittersweet, and I could feel my heart racing. Jamilah stood there shivering as water slid down her body and her eyes were full of sadness. She was too young to be taking on the cares of her mother.

I repeated the words I had said to Clara so many times. “It’s not your responsibility to take care of your mom.”

“She doesn’t make much money.” She shrugged. “I want to help her.”

“That’s admirable of you, Jammy.”  I gave her a quick hug. “But your mom is doing fine.”

“I wish she was home more.” She hugged me back and then giggled. “What flavor jam am I?”

“What flavor jam do you want to be?” I whispered, playing the game we’d been playing for the last year.

“Not raspberry jam.” She made a face. “Or mixed fruit. Mixed fruit jam is yucky.”

“What about strawberry?” I smiled down at her. “You like strawberry jam, don’t you?”

“Yes!” She smiled up at me. “I love strawberry jam.”

“Then you’re my strawberry Jammy.” I winked at her, and she giggled.

“I should go and check on Marcus.” She sighed. “Make sure he’s doing his homework.”

“Yeah, you should.” I smiled. “I’ll walk you to your apartment.”

She shook her head and made a little face. “You don’t have to do that.”

I laughed. “Have I told you that you remind me of a girl I once knew?”

She shook her head as we walked. “No, who?”

“When I was younger, I used to tease a girl on the bus. Her name was Riley, and one day she went to her mom and complained about me. Her mom came to my parents’ house and told them what was going on. She asked if she could ask me to protect her instead of my being punished.” I smiled at the memory as I spoke. “Well, that girl and I became friends, and she always used to make faces at me.”

“Is she your best friend?”

“No. Luke. You remember Luke? Well, he’s my best friend.”

“He’s goofy.” She made a face and then stopped, her hand flying to her mouth as she looked at me sheepishly. “I mean, he’s nice, but goofy.”

“That describes him perfectly.” I smiled at her.

“So, are you and Riley still friends?”

“No, not really.” I frowned as I thought of her. I paused as I let the feelings of love, joy, wonder, hurt, horror, and heartbreak wash over me. “She has her own life now.” I tried to smile again, but couldn’t.

I could see Riley’s face in my mind as clear as day. It made me feel incredibly guilty and incredibly sad. Riley was a part of my life that I couldn’t think about anymore. Not after what had happened. Not after Clara. It didn’t matter what I wished were different. This was my life now. I thought back to my earlier conversation with Luke and sighed inwardly. I had a feeling I was going to try and enter that fight. A million dollars would go a long way. I knew what Clara would want me to do, and I couldn’t let her down. Not now.

Chapter 6

Riley

Present Day

The taste of sin is sweet. Ridiculously sweet—like honey dipped in sugar. It’s satisfying for one distinct moment before you realize that it’s too much and you regret taking a bite. Especially if you’re like me and you’ve taken the biggest bite your mouth could handle.

“Riley, there is no way that you are going to be able to go in there and fool those guys into believing that you know a thing about underground fighting.”

“You don’t know my powers of persuasion.” I laughed. “And my acting skills are also great. I’ll be fine.”

“Unfortunately, I do know about your bad wannabe-actress skills. Also, you don’t have any powers of persuasion.” Eden shook her head. “Just because you watched one YouTube video about how to persuade people to believe you’re invisible doesn’t mean you have any mad skills. In fact, it gives you no skills and makes you a bit of an idiot.”

“I’m going to believe I didn’t hear that.” I stared at my reflection in the mirror. “Do you think I should cut my hair? Or dye it or something?”

“No way.” Eden jumped up and grabbed my arm. “If you cut off your beautiful hair, I will kill you.” Her fingers played with my long brown hair and she sighed with envy. “You have gorgeous hair, Riley. You know what I would do for your chestnut tresses.”

“I told you I’ll sell it to you.” I grinned at her and stared at her golden bob. “Though, half the world wishes they had naturally blond hair like you.”

“Uh huh.” She flopped down on the bed. “Anyways, this is not about me. Are you really going to try and infiltrate the fighting ring?”

“Yeah.” I looked at her in excitement. “This is my first real assignment. I can’t mess this up.”

“It’s not going to be dangerous, is it?” She looked at me with a worried expression. “You don’t want me to get Hudson down here, do you?”

“Whatever.” I rolled my eyes while my insides flushed at the mention of her brother’s name.

“You know he’ll totally drive down if he thinks you’re up to something bad.”

“Don’t tell him.” I gave her a stern look, and she laughed.

“You’d think he was your brother and not mine.” She shook her head. “Though I suppose I should be thankful that he thinks he has two younger sisters. I’m very grateful that he is on your case more than he is on mine.”

“Argh. I’m not,” I moaned. “My mom asked him to look after me when I was six. He doesn’t have to keep doing it like it’s his job.”

“It’s because he loves you like a sister,” Eden explained. “He plays the overprotective-big-brother role to a T.”

“Yeah he does.” I smiled at her before I turned around and walked to my closet.

“Did I tell you that he’s going on an around-the-world trip in a few months?”

“Oh?” I turned around in surprise and tried to still my beating heart. “For how long?”

“No idea. He thinks he’ll be gone for a year or two.”

“A year?” I frowned.

“Yeah,” she nodded. “You should be happy. I’m enthused. We can finally date boys and not have him acting like he’s a part of the FBI and they’re criminals.”

“Yeah.” I gave her a weak smile.

I was hurt that Hudson hadn’t called me to tell me of his plans. But then after what had happened three years ago, nothing had been the same.

“We’re twenty-one, Riley. We’re ready for real relationships.” Eden sighed and stared up at the ceiling. “I’m ready to lose my virginity.”

“Yeah,” I mumbled, my face burning up at the huge secret I was keeping from her.

“I hope it’s romantic and sexy.” Her eyes glazed over as she daydreamed out loud. “I hope he has short, dark, silky tresses and sky blue eyes. I hope his lips are soft and sweet and taste like cotton candy. I hope my body trembles at his look and shivers at his touch.”

“Eden!” I burst out laughing. “You have been reading way too many Harlequin books. You really need to stop.”

“Shhh!” She grinned at me. “A girl can only hope right. Knowing my luck, it will be one, two, three, bam, and then he’ll fall asleep on me and I’ll be thinking, Is this it?”

“It won’t be that bad.”

“How do you know?”

“I don’t.” I made a face and closed my eyes for a second, remembering my first time. It had been as gentle as it was rough, sweet, bitter, and sweaty, and I had still been able to taste myself on his lips as we’d kissed and climaxed together. It had been the best night of my life. And also the worst. The most wickedly devious night of my life, and I wanted to relive it again and again.

“Well, we both need to find out then.” Eden giggled. “And preferably soon.”

* * *

"Hi, I'm Riley." I smiled wide at the group of guys in front of me. "I'm from the school newspaper," I continued and then groaned inside. "Not high school, by the way. I'm in college. At State," I mumbled, seeing that I was losing their attention. "I'm going for my English degree. I know, I know. Should I be studying journalism or some sort of broadcasting?" I paused as I saw a few of the guys yawning. "Anyways, I don't mean to bore you." I smiled tentatively this time. "I just wanted to introduce myself so that you know who I am if I ask you any questions or if you see me in the changing rooms." I tried not to sigh as I saw all of the guys looking at their phones. I'd lost them. Eden was right—I had no business being here. I wasn't a journalist, and I knew nothing about fighting or fighters. "Does anyone have any questions?"

"What are you doing tonight?" one of the guys shouted out, and the other guys laughed. He gave me a boyish smile, and I smiled at him without reservation.

"Hopefully talking to you," I shot back at him, and he raised his eyebrows at me. "What's your name?"

"Channing." His blue eyes twinkled at me. "Yes, like Channing Tatum."

"You wish." The guy to his right punched him in the shoulder. "You’re as much Channing Tatum as I am Denzel Washington." He rolled his eyes, and all the guys laughed again.

"What's your name?" I smiled at the handsome black guy, who looked much hotter than I considered Denzel Washington to be.

"Justin." He smiled boyishly at me. I laughed to myself at my thoughts. None of these guys were boys. Their bodies were fit and muscular, and while they were all still rather young, they were all definitely men.

"Nice to meet you, Justin." I found myself blushing as I felt him looking me over in a very inappropriate way.

"You too, Riley. I'd be happy to give you a private interview any day of the week—or should I say night."

"So who's the best fighter here?" I changed the subject, not wanting to give anyone the wrong impression. I knew how easy it would be to make one or some of the guys get the wrong impression of me, and I didn't want that to happen.

"Batman." Justin smiled wryly.

I looked around the group of six guys. "Who's Batman?"

"He's not here right now," Channing said with a shrug. "I guess he's too good to join us for a group meeting."

"Don't mind Channing." Justin rolled his eyes. "He's just a bit jealous."

"Jealous of what?" Channing's voice rose and he scowled at Justin.

"You're jealous ‘cause he's the new guy and he's already a better fighter than you."

"He's not a better fighter."

"He's in it to win it."

"We're all in it to win it." An extremely handsome boy spoke up. "Isn't that why we're all here?"

"Why are you all here?" I interjected eagerly. What made all of these guys want to enter the underground fighting match of the year?

"A million dollars." Justin flashed his perfect white teeth at me. His light brown eyes looked at me with a clear, honest expression. "We all want a chance to win a million dollars."

"But only one of you can enter the contest to represent this club, right?" I thought back to what I already knew about this underground world.

There were only a few private gyms that had access to the underground fighting championships, with Nick's being the only gym in the state. There was an annual championship and there were no rules. At least I'd heard there were no rules. And that people died. Or rather men, as no women had ever gained entrance.

"Yeah, the best member at each club gets to take part." Justin smiled at me again, his dark mocha skin seeming to glow in the bright lights. "And this year it's looking like that will be Batman."

"That's his name? Batman?"

"That's how we know him." Justin shrugged. "You'll meet him soon enough. He never misses a fight."

"A fight?"

"We have fights every week. The one who wins the most fights will represent Nick's and fight against the best nine fighters in the country."

“Nine?”

“Yeah. There are ten fighters who get to participate.” Justin held up both of his hands. “So you have a one-in-ten chance of winning a million dollars.”

Channing’s eyes narrowed at Justin’s words, and I could tell he was thinking about the money.

“So Batman is the best fighter here?”

“No.” Channing jumped up. “I’m going to knock his fucking brains out, punk-ass bitch.”

“He’s not talking about you.” Justin laughed, but I could tell he looked anxious. “Batman’s only been coming to the gym for two weeks. We were all pretty sure Channing would be the one representing us before he arrived.”

“It’s not fair.” Channing glared at me. “He’s trying to take my spot. I’ve been training for this shit for two years and he thinks he can just show up.”

“He’s a new fighter?” I asked curiously. “How did he get a spot with you guys?”

“Nick’s cousin is his best friend.” Justin answered me.

“I’ll punch Luke’s fucking face in as well.” Channing hit a boxing bag with such power that it swung back and forth furiously.

I stopped breathing for a second. “Luke?”

He couldn’t be talking about the same Luke I was thinking of. He just couldn’t be. Because that would mean that Batman was Hudson. And I didn’t know if I could stand to be around Hudson now. Not after everything that had happened.

“Let’s not talk about him.” Justin jumped up. “What else do you want to know?”

“I guess for now I’ll just watch you train, if that’s okay?” I closed my notepad and put it into my bag. “I just want to observe.”

“Sure, whatever.” Justin nodded, and the other guys stood up, walking away from me. They all went in different directions, and I wasn’t sure which one I should follow.

I stood there for a few moments when I noticed that Channing was in the corner just standing there. I walked over to him slowly and stopped just in front of him.

“Hey, everything okay?” I asked him softly, hoping he was not still angry.

He looked up and nodded. “I’m fine.” His blue eyes looked sad, and I felt sorry for him even though I didn’t know why.

“You may still get the opportunity, right?” I tried to be encouraging. “Maybe this Batman guy will mess up? I mean, who calls themselves Batman?”

“A douche, that’s who.” He gave me a small smile. “Thanks for your kind words. I guess it’s not over until the fat lady sings.”

“Exactly.” I smiled wide. “You look like you’re pretty strong to me.”

“I’m strong, but the championships are about more than strength. They’re also about being smart.”

I looked at him in surprise. “Oh?”

“You thought it was just about the fighting, didn’t you?” He laughed and shook his head.

“I did.” I looked at the ground, feeling slightly embarrassed.

“Hey, you wouldn’t know.” He touched my shoulder, and I looked up at him. His expression had changed, and there was a look of curious wonder and interest in his eyes. “Do you know anything about fighting?”

“I know a bit about boxing and MMA.”

“This isn’t MMA.”

“Oh. I thought it was similar?”

“Mixed martial arts is still pretty controlled. Underground fighting is dirty. It’s physical and psychological. You have to be aware of everything. The most important part is your mind. Not your muscles.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“Maybe I can take you out to dinner and explain everything to you.” His expression changed even more this time, and I felt my heart racing. I didn’t know what it was about Channing, but something about him made me pause. He seemed like a nice guy, but when he grew angry, there was a light in his eyes that made me wonder just how angry he could get.

“Yeah, that would be cool.” I nodded and looked around the room. I saw Justin motioning for me to come join him and I nearly cried out in happiness that he was saving me. “But let’s talk later, yeah? I think Justin wants to talk to me.”

“Okay.” Channing looked disappointed, and I quickly walked away from him.

“Hey, how can I help you, Justin?” I almost ran up to him, and he laughed.

“You’re funny.” He grinned. “I’m actually just about to lift before the fights start. But it looked like you needed someone to intervene.”

“Thanks. Is he always this intense?” I paused and blushed. “I hope you don’t think I’m offending him.”

“I’m not concerned if you offend him or not.” He laughed again. “Channing’s just pissed because he thought he was going to get to go and then Batman came in at the last moment.”

“So...this Batman. He’s really good, huh?” I stared at him thoughtfully. “How come he’s not here right now?”

“He comes and goes as he likes. I think he trains somewhere else. He just comes here for the fights.”

“Oh.”

“Stay around and you’ll get to meet him. He’s a different guy. A bit older, but he seems cool.”

“I have class in ten minutes. I should really get going. Hopefully I can meet him when I come tomorrow.”

“Yeah.” He nodded. “He comes every day. Even when we don’t want to see him.”

“Sounds like you like him just as much as Channing does.”

“That obvious?” He shrugged and picked up some weights. “I don’t know. It’s just all fucked up. We all need this fight. We all want this opportunity. It’s just not right that we’ve been here busting our asses for months and he just shows up.” He looked me in the eye then and leaned forward. “I’ll tell you this, Riley. I’ve got a bad feeling. A really bad feeling.”

Chapter 7

Hudson

Present Day

I felt slightly out of breath as I got to the gym. I’d run twenty miles today, but I knew that it still wasn’t enough. I had to be in the best shape of my life if I had a chance of winning the million dollars. I laughed as I walked into the gym. “You don’t even have the entry yet, buddy,” I chided myself and looked around.

A part of me felt bad that I was going to be taking the spot that some of these guys had been practicing for over the last couple of years. But when I thought of Clara’s mom and Jamilah, I knew that I had to take a shot at the title. Luke had been delighted when I’d called him and asked for more information. I think he’d known that as soon as he’d mentioned Clara’s name he’d had me. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for Clara.

“Well, look who we have here, it’s Batman.” Channing’s voice carried through the gym. He sounded bitter and angry, and I knew that he had hoped he’d never see me again.

I knew that he was my biggest competition to represent Nick’s club at the championships. He had considered the spot his until I had shown up. I felt bad that I was going to take it.  I really did.

A female laugh made me pause, and I looked back around the room, slowly this time. Time seemed to stand still as I saw her. Her head was held back and she was laughing. I saw the long lines of her slender neck and I froze. She seemed to notice me then because she suddenly looked in my direction. Her eyes met mine and I felt as if the world had stopped. Time has stopped and images flashed into mine as I looked at her, and I was transported back to one of the last times we’d been together.

* * *

Four Years Ago

“Hudson, we should get back to the house.” Riley giggled as I made chocolate faces on my pancakes. “Eden and Clara will be wondering where we are.”

“Let them sleep some more.” I stared at her. I couldn’t stop myself from just looking at her face and into her eyes. Being with Riley made me feel happy. “It’s been so long since we’ve seen each other.”

“Well now that you’re a college guy, you just don’t have time for me.” She smiled, but I could hear the sadness in her voice.

“I figured you didn’t want to be bothered by me anymore. Now that you’re so busy with all those guys.”

She frowned. “What guys?”

“You know.” I tried to keep my tone light. “All your high school boyfriends.”

“What boyfriends?” She tilted her head and started playing with her hair. I felt a stirring in my stomach as I stared at her innocent expression.

“Don’t you call them boyfriends now?” I faked a laugh. “Are they all friends with benefits?”

“Friends with benefits?” She laughed. “What benefits?”

“You know.” My heart thudded. I wasn’t sure why I was going into this line of questioning, but I had to know if she was seeing anyone.

“No, I don’t.” She shook her head and then took a sip of water. I watched as her eyes widened and she looked at me in shock. “Hudson, you’re not asking me if I’m having sex with a bunch of different guys, are you?”

“No, of course not,” I groaned, and both of our faces went red.

“I don’t have any friends with benefits, Hudson Blake.” She leaned forward and hit me in the arm. “I can’t believe you would ask me that.”

“Sorry, I just thought...” I sighed and shook my head. “Forget what I thought. Eden told me something about you and that guy and I just assumed.”

She looked confused. “What guy and assumed what?”

“Well, it was a night you were playing seven minutes in heaven.”

“What?” She looked at me and laughed. “I’ve only played that once and that was ages ago.”

“Oh.” I looked at her lips again and sighed. So I’d gone and made a mess of things. “I thought you were practicing all your newly acquired kissing skills on other guys.”

“Don’t remind me of that night,” she groaned and looked at the table. “Thank you for humoring me that day.”

“I wasn’t just humoring you. I enjoyed it as well,” I said softly, and her breath caught. She looked up at me again and her brown eyes seemed to glow as we sought answers to unspoken questions. “I enjoyed it very much.”

“You’re just saying that.” She looked down, and I stared at her for a few moments before answering.

If she only knew just how much I’d enjoyed it, she’d think I was some sort of pervert. I’d thought about that night many times and I’d had dreams that that kiss had led to so much more.

“When have I ever just said something?”

“All the time.” She rolled her eyes. “Like when you didn’t call me an annoying brat when we were growing up.”

“You weren’t an annoying brat.” I laughed.

She looked up at me with laughing eyes. “Yes, I was. I cried all the time.”

“Then make it up to me.” I suddenly leaned forward. “Let’s go swimming.”

“I can’t.” She shook her head slowly. “I don’t have my bathing suit.”

“So?” I grinned, ignoring the warning bells that were going off in my head. “Neither do I.”

“But you’re a boy.”

“I’m glad you noticed.” I flexed my biceps and she grinned.

“You’re silly.”

“What’s new?”

“You shouldn’t have kissed me.” She blushed as she looked at me.

“What?” I licked my lips slowly.

“You shouldn’t have kissed me,” she repeated. “You have a girlfriend.”

“It was just an innocent peck,” I lied.

“I know that, but if anyone had seen, they would have thought something different.”

“Who?”

“Who what?”

“Who would have seen and thought something different?”

“You’re trying to be difficult, aren’t you?” She jumped up. “Let’s go.”

“Yes, Ms. Bossy Pants.”

“Whatever.” She flung her hair and walked towards the door.

I watched her walk for a few seconds before I put some bills on the table and followed her. I knew she was right of course. It had been wrong of me to kiss her and hope for something more while I was dating Clara. I sighed as I thought of Clara.

I wasn’t really sure how a relationship had occurred. It had just seemed to have happened. After the party, we’d kind of just kept hanging out on the weekends, and then one night, she got so drunk she couldn’t go home, so she stayed over. The next thing I knew, we were having sex and she was introducing me to her friends as her boyfriend.

It wasn’t that I had tried to stop any of it. I hadn’t. Not really. I felt that dating Clara made me a normal guy and not some pervert who was lusting over his little sister’s best friend. I mean, I used to tease Riley, pull her hair. She’d cried to me over the smallest, stupidest things. I’d seen her through pimples, braces, and awkward hairstyles, yet I couldn’t stop thinking about how beautiful she was when she smiled.

A part of me regretted coming to the house this summer. I had a bad feeling that someone was going to be heartbroken by the end of the summer. Maybe Riley was right. Maybe we should just go back home and I’d avoid her as much as possible.

“Hudson.” Riley came running back into the restaurant with eager eyes. “Hurry.” She grabbed my hands and pulled me out of the restaurant with her.

“What’s so urgent?”

“I’ve decided I want to go swimming.” She laughed. “Now take me before I change my mind.”

I stared at her in surprise, my heart suddenly racing. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, let’s do it.” She stood by the car door, waiting for me to open it, and I felt my heart leaping.

“Shit, I’m going to hell,” I muttered to myself as I opened the car.

“Sorry, what did you say?” she asked me with eager eyes, and I shook my head, smiling back at her.

“Nothing.” I took a deep breath. “Nothing at all.”

We drove for about ten minutes until I pulled off to the side of the road and stopped the car.

“This part of the beach is pretty desolate. I don’t think many people come here, so we’ll have some privacy.”

“Sounds good.” She eagerly jumped out of the car and ran to the sand.

I followed her eagerly, wondering what sort of trouble I was getting myself into. Riley kept running, and I frowned as I saw her jumping into the ocean.

“What are you doing?” I asked, confused as I watched her jumping waves.

“I’m about to swim. Why?” she shouted back at me, looking very youthful as she squealed.

“Uhm, you have clothes on.” I pulled my shirt and pants off and ran into the ocean after her.

“You thought I was going to take my clothes off?” She looked so shocked that I laughed.

“I thought we were going to skinny dip.”

“Oh.” Her eyes widened, and I saw them survey my naked chest.

“Yeah. Oh.” I shook my head and grabbed her around the waist. “Don’t mind me. I’m an idiot.”

“Put me down, Hudson!” she screamed as I swung her around in my arms.

“Sorry, what?” I grinned down at her as she clung to me.

“Put me down!” she screamed again, and I dropped her in the ocean. “Hudson Blake! Argh!” She splashed around in the water and I laughed. “I’m going to get you.” She stood up and started splashing me.

I tried not to stare at her breasts since her nipples were clearly visible through the thin, wet material. I turned away to stop myself from reaching out and touching her. I wanted to groan at the sudden tightness in my pants.

Riley jumped on my back and attempted to push me into the water. I stood there for a second, enjoying the feel of her against me, and then fell into the water with her still on my back. We splashed around for a few seconds, laughing and coughing up the salty ocean water. I jumped up and pulled Riley up with me. I held her in my arms for a second before letting go and taking a step back.

“This was fun.” She grinned through chattering teeth. “Though it’s a bit cold.”

“It would have been warmer if you were naked,” I joked, and she poked me in the chest.

“Sure it would have.”

“I’m just saying.”

“Do you and Clara go skinny dipping a lot then?” She looked up at me, and I couldn’t tell if she genuinely wanted to know or if she was just trying to bring Clara’s name up to remind me that I had a girlfriend.

I shook my head. “No.”

“I wonder if she’s up and making cocktails already.” Riley giggled, but I frowned at her words.

I was worried about Clara’s alcohol intake. It seemed that she was always getting drunk these days. I thought back to the day we’d first met and how I’d thought she didn’t drink, but Clara had a problem with alcohol. I just didn’t know how to confront her about it.

“Let’s hope not.” I dove into the water and swam out into the ocean.

I loved swimming in the ocean’s never-ending pool of water. It was so different than swimming in a regular pool. The expanse of water was so large in the ocean that I felt like I could drift off and just keep going. In a pool, you always had to stop and turn around. There was something so jarring about swimming in a pool that wasn’t there in the openness of the ocean. I could float away in the ocean and forget all of my worries.

I finally stopped swimming out and started swimming back to shore. I could see Riley standing there watching me with big open eyes. I wanted to know what she was thinking, what she thought of me. Did she think I was a creep because I was flirting with her while I had a girlfriend? Did she hate my kisses? Did she know that she was as special to me as she was?

I swallowed a mouthful of salt water by mistake and starting coughing as I swam back. It was taking longer for me to swim back to the shore because the current was strong and kept pushing me farther back. I knew better than to panic, continuing with my front crawl, and kept trying to swim back to shore.

“Hudson!” Riley called out. “Come back in now please. You’re scaring me.”

I could hear the panic in her voice as she waved me in. I wanted to shout back that I was coming, but I knew I needed to keep my mouth shut in these murky waters. I didn’t want to swallow any more salt water, and I didn’t want to expend my energy trying to communicate with her. I increased the pace of my arms and tried to double up my strokes as I attempted to swim back to Riley.

I saw her start swimming towards me and I panicked. I didn’t know if Riley would be able to make it back to shore with these riptides if she made it all the way to me. I took a deep breath and started swimming furiously. The only thing on my mind was making sure that Riley didn’t make it all the way out to me.

I could see Riley’s arms flailing as she got close to me, and my heart stopped for a brief second before adrenaline kicked in. I swam towards her and grabbed her around the waist before setting her on her back and swimming back with her to the sand. This time, there was no current too treacherous for me to defeat. There was no way I was going to let anything happen to Riley. I made it back to shore in record time, and I carried a coughing Riley out of the ocean.

“You okay?” I looked down at her face as she coughed up salt water and tried to calm my nerves.

“I’m fine,” she sputtered. “I was worried about you.”

“I’m fine as well.” I glared down at her. “That was a stupid move to make, coming out into the water to save me. How did you think that was going to happen?”

“I didn’t think.” She glared back at me. “I just acted. I just wanted to help.”

“You nearly drowned.”

“Only because I had my clothes weighing me down and the current out there is crazy,” she muttered back to me.

“Don’t ever do that again, Riley.”

“I didn’t want to see you die, Hudson.” Her eyes filled up with tears. “I had to do something.”

“Shh.” I crouched down and pulled her into my arms. “It’s okay now. We’re both fine.”

“I know.” She nodded and looked into my eyes.

We were both still for a moment before our lips met, slowly and unsteadily at first, as if neither of us knew what the other one wanted. Then the kiss deepened and we fell back into the sand, our tongues exploring each other while we held hands. The kiss only lasted for a few minutes before we both just lay back and stared at the sky in silence. My heart was beating fast as we lay there, exhausted, but happy, both of us wishing that we were somewhere else. That it was just the two of us.

My ringing phone upset the mood, and I groaned when I saw Clara’s name on the screen. I was going to ignore it when I saw Riley look at the screen and jump up.

“I guess we should go.” She looked into the ocean and avoided my eyes.

“Yeah.” I nodded and got up.

We walked back to my car in silence, neither of us mentioning the moment we’d just had. Neither of us bringing up the fact that there was something developing between us. I guess we both realized that, with Clara in the picture, nothing could happen. Or at least nothing should happen. What sort of people would we be if we went ahead while I was still in a relationship?

* * *

Everything in the gym seemed to go still as I stared at Riley. All the old feelings hit me once again—feelings that had never really left me. I watched as she raised her hand and waved at me with an awkward smile. I stared at her for a moment, not knowing what to do.

I felt guilty that a part of me was so excited to see her. I wanted to run over to her, pick her up, and give her a big kiss. I wanted to hold her close to me. I wanted to feel her warm body against mine once again. I wanted to be able to love her freely. But then I thought of Clara, and the color that had seeped into my world for a brief moment faded to black once again. I turned away abruptly without even acknowledging her and walked to the locker room with my heart beating fast.

Why was she here? I was annoyed. I hadn’t expected to see her. I didn’t want to see her. Riley could make what was very simple become complicated again. I closed my eyes and then went to splash my face with cold water. I felt bad for ignoring her, but I knew that was the only way. I had to be indifferent to her. After everything that had happened, I couldn’t allow myself to seek joy in her presence. I was a sinner and I had to pay for what I had done.

Chapter 8

Riley

Present Day

I hurried out of the gym with tears in my eyes. I should have known that Hudson was Batman. He’d always been Batman. I didn’t understand why he had snubbed me. Well, I guess that was a lie. I did understand why. I just hadn’t expected it.

I felt like I couldn’t breathe as I walked to my car. Seeing him had affected me deeply. I felt winded. When I’d waved at him, his eyes had lit up for one brief second. For a split second, I’d thought everything was going to be okay. He had forgiven me. He had forgiven himself. We were all right. But then the light had faded, his eyes had darkened, and he’d walked away without even acknowledging my existence.

I knew he blamed himself for what had happened. I knew that the guilt must be ravaging him inside. I knew that because the guilt was still ravaging me. Every single day. I felt like I was the scarlet woman. The whore of Babylon. I knew why he hated me, because I hated myself. But I still held hope.

My breath had still caught when I saw him. My heart had still jumped when my eyes took him in. Oh, how I’d longed for the day when I would see him again. My tall, wonderful Hudson. He’d looked sweaty and more fit than I remembered him being. It had been four years since I’d seen him. Four long years. And nobody even realized it aside from me. I knew that Eden didn’t think anything of it. But of course, she didn’t know. She couldn’t know.

I got into my car and sat there for a while, just letting my tears flow. I hadn’t expected it to feel like this.

I’d been waiting for this moment for years. Hudson was my first love. My only love. And I’d longed for the day when I would get to see him again. I’d hoped that it would be like it had been in the beginning: easy, carefree, loving. He’d always been my protector, more than my best friend’s brother. He’d been like my best friend as well. Only I had gone and ruined it. I’d ruined it all in one impetuous moment.

* * *

Four Years Ago

It was the final night of our summer vacation and while I was happy to have enjoyed the last two weeks of the summer with my best friend and her family, I was also incredibly sad. I had watched Hudson and Clara go out each day, and I’d been jealous. Very, very jealous. It wasn’t that I didn’t like Clara. She was by all accounts a sweet, intelligent girl. But I didn’t want her with Hudson.

Hudson sat next to me on the couch. “Hey, sweet pea. What you thinking about?”

“Nothing. I can’t believe this is our final night.” I smiled at him and tried not to shiver as he put his arm around my shoulder.

“I know.” He nodded. “It went by so fast.”

“We didn’t even get to spend much time together,” I blurted out and then groaned inwardly. Why was I being so obvious?

“You and Eden seem to have been very busy.”

“You and Clara looked busy too.” I could hear the jealousy in my voice, and I bit my lower lip in embarrassment. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course. You guys are in love.”

“We’re not in love.” Hudson shook his head. “Far from it.”

“Oh.” I looked into his eyes then and saw an emotion I’d never seen before. “I thought you were.”

“No, we’re just friends.”

“Friends with benefits?”

“There aren’t many benefits,” he laughed and looked over at Clara. “I mean, she’s a great girl, but we aren’t together for stuff like that.”

“Stuff like what?” I giggled.

He rolled his eyes. “Benefit stuff.”

“You mean sex?”

“Yes, Riley.” He sighed and squeezed my shoulder. “I mean sex.”

“You guys have never had sex?”

“We have.” His eyes searched mine. “But we haven’t had sex on this trip.”

My eyes widened. “Oh.” I wanted to ask why, but I was scared of his answer.

“Hudson, let’s go down to the bar,” Clara called over to us as she danced along to a song in the kitchen.

“We have beers here, Clara,” Hudson called back, but he didn’t get up.

“I want to go to the bar.” She made a face. “Don’t be a spoilsport.”

“I don’t want to go to the bar. You’ve had enough to drink.”

“Who are you? My dad?” She left the kitchen and walked over to us. “Leave the little kids behind and let’s go be with the big kids.”

I gasped at her words. She’d never been so mean and rude to me before. I could see from across the room that Eden looked a bit shocked as well.

“Be nice.” Hudson frowned. “And maybe go and lie down. You’re drunk.”

“I’m not drunk,” Clara slurred.

“Come on.” Hudson jumped up and grabbed her arm. “Excuse me, Riley.” He gave me a small smile and escorted Clara out of the room.

“I guess they’re about to have some hot drunken sex.” Eden grinned at me, and I attempted a smile, though it was very weak.

“Yeah, who knows.” I walked to the kitchen and grabbed a soda, feeling overwhelmingly sad. “I wish today wasn’t our last day here.”

“I know,” Eden groaned. “I don’t want to go back to school.”

“At least we have college applications to look forward to.”

“Are you joking?” Eden gave me a crazy look. “I still have to retake my SATs, and I don’t know if my GPA is good enough to get into State.”

“Not trying for Harvard anymore?” I laughed.

“Harvard my ass.” She grinned at me. “My GPA wouldn’t even get me into the kitchen staff program.”

“Kitchen staff program?” I burst out laughing and collapsed next to her on the couch. “You always make me laugh, you goof.”

“You know it’s true. Shit, I may not even get into State. I may have to go to community college for two years.”

“Nothing wrong with that.” I smiled at her and rubbed her shoulders. “It’s cheaper.”

“You’re a doll, Riley, but I do not want to go to community college first.” She sighed. “I want to meet hot frat guys, and there are no hot frat guys in community college.”

“Eden, you do know you’re not going to college to meet guys, right?”

“What? I’m going to get laid.” She grinned.

“What do you think you’re first time will be like?” I sat back and sipped on my Coke.

“I hope it’s hot.” She grinned. “And I hope he’s hot as well. Tall, blond, maybe a surfer. And I hope he’s really into me.”

I rolled my eyes. “Well, I would hope he’s really into you as well.”

“What about you? What do you want your first time to be like?”

“I want it to be magical.” I closed my eyes and thought for a moment. “I want it to be under the stars. I want there to be fireworks in the sky. I want him to hold me and love me and kiss me all over. I want him to—”

“Okay, this is sounding like a movie, Riley.” Eden laughed. “I do not foresee some random guy in college kissing you all over. More like a quick in out, in out, and bam.” She laughed. “That’s what Alexis told me her first time was like with Todd.”

“She had sex with Todd?” My mouth dropped open, and Eden nodded.

“Didn’t I tell you?” Eden squealed. “She and Todd had sex and he came within three minutes.”

“What?” I screamed. “Three minutes?”

“And he wasn’t wearing a condom yet.”

“What?” I screamed again.

“So she had to take a pregnancy test.” Eden shook her head. “Imagine if she got pregnant after three minutes.”

“That would be crazy.”

“What would be crazy?” Hudson walked back into the room with his shirt off and I tried not to gasp out loud. He was so hot.

“Nothing.” I shook my head, embarrassed.

“Alexis had sex with Todd and he lasted three minutes and now she thinks she might be pregnant,” Eden burst out.

Hudson laughed in response. “Is this a soap opera or something?”

“No, you know Alexis,” Eden rambled on. “My friend with the white-blond hair and the big boobs.”

“Uh, okay.” He shrugged and looked at me with a small smile. “What are you guys up to tonight?”

“I’m going out with that cute guy from Boston.” Eden jumped up. “I better go and get ready.”

“What about Riley?” Hudson frowned as he watched his sister run to the bathroom.

“Riley doesn’t mind, do you?” She looked at me and I shook my head.

“It’s cool. I’ll just watch TV.”

“Why don’t we go somewhere?” Hudson looked at me casually.

“I thought you and Clara were going to go to a bar.”

“No.” He shook his head. “No, we’re not.”

“Oh.”

“I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I think Clara and I are pretty much done.” He sighed. “It was a mistake to date her.”

“Why?” I asked him with wide eyes and excitement in my heart.

“I don’t think we are compatible.” He shrugged. “But let’s not talk about it.” He gave me a smile. “Want to do something tonight?”

“Okay.” I nodded and then thought back to my conversation with Eden. There were some parts that I hadn’t told her. Like that I wanted Hudson to be my first. “What do you want to do?”

“I don’t know. What do you think?”

“Maybe we can go swimming.”

“Swimming?” He looked surprised. “At night?”

“Well, you know. We only went that once and it was a bit of a mess.”

“You can say that again.” He laughed. “Okay then. Let me go and get my trunks.”

“Or maybe we can skinny dip this time,” I spoke slowly, not believing what I was saying.

His eyes blazed into mine in shock. “Are you sure?”

I nodded. A look of understanding passed between us.

“I’m sure.” I reached over and softly touched his chest. He stilled and grabbed my hand.

“What are you doing?”

“Just checking out your tattoos,” I lied, but I wasn’t about to tell him that I just wanted to touch him because I couldn’t resist anymore.

“Do you like them now?”

“They’re just okay.” I half-smiled at him.

“You’re just okay.” He ruffled my hair, and I stuck my tongue out at him.

“Ass.”

“I never want to be an ass to you, Riley.” He pulled me into his arms and looked down at me for a few seconds. “I hope you know that.”

“I do.”

“Are you sure you want to go skinny dipping?”

“Yes.” I nodded and leaned up, kissing him lightly.

“I taught you well.” He laughed, leaning down and kissing me harder. I felt the tip of his tongue on my lips, and I opened my mouth slightly before we both jumped apart.

“You guys decided what you want to do?” Eden walked back into the room, spraying herself with perfume.

“Not yet.” I shrugged, trying not to blush too much. “We’re still deciding.”

“Okay, well, have fun.” She hugged me. “I can’t believe we’re leaving tomorrow.”

“Me either.” I hugged her back hard.

A part of me felt like my life was about to change tonight. Tomorrow seemed so far away. Part of me didn’t care if tomorrow never came, just as long as I had tonight.

“Okies, I’m out. See you fools later.”

“Eden, sometimes I wonder about you.” Hudson laughed and gave her a quick hug. “Be safe and call if you need anything.”

“Yes, brother of mine.” She rolled her eyes and ran to the door. “Don’t worry. I’m not about to lose my V-card tonight.” She laughed again at her brother’s expression and ran out the front door. “Be safe, bitches. See you soon.”

“I don’t know where she got that mouth from.” Hudson grinned at me.

“Haha. You know Eden. She’s always got the slang down.”

“I wish she’d get her grades up.” He sighed. “So what about you? What are your college plans?”

“I’m thinking I’ll go to State and study journalism.”

“I’ll have to show you around when you come visit.” He smiled. “I thought you were going to go to Duke or something?”

“I was thinking about Vanderbilt and Duke but decided State is fine.” I looked down. “It’s cheaper.” And I’ll be closer to you, I thought to myself.

“Makes sense.” He nodded and grabbed my hand. “Let’s get out of here.”

We ran out of the house and to his car before stopping. “Want to just walk to the beach?” Hudson looked at me. “Or would you prefer to take the car?”

“Let’s walk.” I nodded, suddenly excited. “But maybe we should get a towel or something.”

“Hold on.” He grinned at me and ran back inside. About five minutes later, he came back outside with a bag and a cocky grin. “Let’s go.”

The walk to the beach seemed to flash by in a blur. All I could think was, He’s holding my hand. Hudson Blake is holding my hand. It felt surreal. And I still felt a bit bad. Even though he had said he was about to dump Clara, he hadn’t yet. What I was doing was still wrong. I felt bad about it, but I wasn’t really thinking about it. I was too caught up in the moment. I’d never felt this excited and exhilarated before. I was with Hudson and we were about to do something bad—really bad—yet I felt so good.

* * *

“Are you ready?”

We stood at the edge of the water and stared up at the moon. There was a cool chill in the air, but I didn’t feel cold. In fact, I felt as if my body were burning up. I looked over at Hudson and gasped as he pulled off his shirt and pants in front of me.

“I don’t know,” I whispered, suddenly shy. “I, uh, need a minute.”

“Sure.” He smiled at me, and I watched as he pulled his boxers down as if he didn’t have a care in the world. I stared at his manhood and froze. I couldn’t believe it. I was seeing him naked. “See ya.” He grinned at me and ran into the ocean. I watched as he swam a few strokes and then jumped back up. “You coming in?”

“Yes.” I called out and stared at him in the ocean. He was waiting for me, and I felt as if I were in some indie movie and this was some poetic scene.

I took my clothes off slowly, feeling shy but excited. I was so excited that my fingers were trembling in anticipation. I couldn’t believe that this was happening. The air felt weird against my naked skin. I stood there in my bra and panties and took a step towards the water. I saw Hudson staring at me. I couldn’t see the expression in his eyes, but I knew he was anticipating this moment as much as I was. The moonlight shone down on him, and for some reason, he reminded me of a werewolf.

“What’s so funny?” he called out to me as I started laughing.

“Nothing.” I shook my head, quickly unclasped my bra, and then ran into the ocean. I was too scared to take my panties off. It felt like the moment would be too real if I went completely naked. It was like I was giving myself to him on a silver platter. I didn’t want to be easy.

I dove into the water and stayed underwater as I swam. I wanted my body to become accustomed to the cold water. I came up for air and stared at the sky for a few moments before looking for Hudson.

“Over here,” he called out and waved his hands. He was only a few feet away, and I swam over to him slowly. “Hey.” He smiled at me as I reached him.

“Hey.” I smiled back at him, treading water carefully. I made sure that only my head was above water. I was too shy to let him see my naked breasts.

“It feels nice, doesn’t it?”

I nodded. “Yeah, the water is refreshing.”

“Yeah, it is.” He reached over and touched my face for a second. “Sorry, I was wiping away some water. You had some on your face.”

“I’m in the ocean,” I replied stupidly and we both laughed.

“So how does it feel?” He floated on his back.

“It’s different.” I decided to be brave and float on my back as well. I felt my breasts bobbing at the top of the water. It felt weird and different, but also kind of nice. I felt like I was one with nature.

“The stars are really bright tonight.” He continued with his small talk and I realized that he was nervous as well.

“I wonder if we’ll see a shooting star.”

“What would you wish for if you saw one?” he asked as we both stared up into the night sky.

“Nothing,” I answered softly. “I wouldn’t wish for anything. What about you?”

“Nothing either,” he said. “This moment is pretty much perfect. I don’t think I could wish for anything more perfect than this.”

“Me either,” I whispered back. I felt as if my heart were going to burst out of my chest. And then I felt his hands around my waist as he pulled me to him. I wasn’t afraid or scared as I felt my breasts crush across his chest.

“Hey.” He smiled down at me. There was a look of intensity in his eyes as he searched mine.

“Hey again.” I felt his hands gripping my back, and instinctively I wrapped my legs around his waist.

“You’re wearing panties.” He laughed and I looked up at him curiously.

“How did you know?”

“Because if you weren’t, we’d be making love right now.” He winked at me and pushed my butt forward. I gasped as I felt something hard between my legs.

“Oh.” I blushed, glad that the night sky was hiding my embarrassment and lust.

“Maybe you shouldn’t keep your legs like that,” he groaned into my ear and I looked at him again.

“Why?”

“Because your panties might not remain on for long.”

“Oh.” I laughed nervously, wishing that I’d taken them off before I’d gone into the ocean.

“How many boys have you been with, Riley?”

“None.” I bit my lower lip as I waited to see how he was going to react. “Hopefully that will change tonight.”

“Are you sure you want me to be the one?” He struggled with the words, and I nodded my response. “We don’t have to do this.”

“I want you to be the one.” I looked into his eyes. “I like you.”

He grinned at me. “I like you too.”

“You were my first kiss and I want you to be my first, you know...lover.”

“I don’t want to do this if you aren’t ready.”

“I want it to be special,” I whispered. A part of me was screaming at me that this wasn’t special. It wasn’t special or right—not when he had a girlfriend—but I ignored the voice.

“I want to be your first,” he groaned. “Maybe I shouldn’t admit that. Right? I don’t know. You’re all I think about, Riley. You’re so special to me. I wish that—”

“Sshh.” I leaned forward and kissed him. The water was starting to feel colder, so I pressed into him harder.

He leaned back and looked into my eyes. “I think I might love you, Riley.”

“I think I might love you too, Hudson.” I laughed, happy but still feeling like what I was doing was wrong.

“I want our first time to be special.”

“This is special.” I pushed away from him and pulled my panties off. I held them in my hands and he watched as I threw them into the ocean. “This is what I want.”

“Oh, Riley.” His fingers reached out and caressed my breasts.

I sighed as his fingers played with my nipples. It felt nice, and a warm feeling spread throughout my body. I’d never felt like this before, and I wasn’t accustomed to this strange but welcome feeling.

I reached out and touched his chest. It felt cold and hard and wonderful. I ran my fingers over his nipples, and he gasped as I pinched them. I looked up at him in amazement and he laughed.

“What’s so funny?” I mumbled and leaned forward to kiss his chest.

“Nothing.” He cupped my breasts and then I felt his hands moving to my butt. “You’re just wonderful.” His fingers ran over my ass and squeezed gently. “I want to kiss your breasts,” he whispered in my ear, and I swallowed hard.

“Oh yeah?”

“Let’s go to the shore.” He grabbed my hand and we swam together as one until it became too difficult, and then swam separately.

Hudson made it to the sand before I did, and he pulled me out of the water as I caught up with him. He picked me up and carried me to our clothes and his bag. He set me down gently, pulled out a towel, and wrapped it around me, drying my body.

“What are you doing?” I stood still as he rubbed me down.

“I don’t want you catching a cold because you’re cold and wet,” he answered seriously, and he paused before he started rubbing between my legs. We both froze as he dried my thighs and then my breasts.

“My turn now.” I gave him a small smile. “Do you have another towel?”

“I want you to use this one,” he said to me slowly and pulled it off my body.

I took it into my hands and tried to stop myself from feeling self-conscious as I stood there naked. I held the towel gingerly and started rubbing his chest down. The water drops clung to his chest hair, and I watched them carefully as if my job of drying him were the most important job in the world. And then I moved the towel farther down his body and paused. I heard Hudson’s sharp intake of breath as my fingers slowly touched his hardness.

I stared at him in amazement. This was the first time I’d seen a naked man’s body and held a man’s penis in my hands. It felt strange and weird and wonderful. I wasn’t sure if he expected me to drop to my knees and take him into my mouth, but I knew I couldn’t just do that, even though I was really curious to find out what it tasted like. I wanted to spend the whole night exploring and getting to know his beautiful body.

“You’re gorgeous.” His voice sounded raspy as he looked at me.

“You’re just saying that.”

“No. No I’m not.” He shook his head and pulled my hand away from his hardness. Reaching down to the bag, he pulled out a blanket. He shook it out and we arranged it so that it was flat on the sand. “Come.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me down onto the blanket with him.

We stared at each other for a few moments before he leaned forward and took one of my nipples in his mouth. My body trembled as his hot breath heated my cold body to its core. It felt strange to feel his teeth on my nipple. He sucked on one breast gently while his fingers played with the other one, and I groaned as I felt an odd wetness filling up between my legs. It felt so erotic and naughty and like nothing I’d ever felt before. Hudson looked up at me with dark eyes before switching his mouth to the other breast. I screamed slightly as his sank his teeth harder down on my other nipple.

He stopped biting and looked at me in concern. “Am I hurting you?”

“No,” I whispered and shook my head.

I used that opportunity to explore his chest with my hands. I ran my fingernails along his nipples and smiled when I heard him gasp. I was about to lean forward and suck on his nipples when he pushed me flat on my back.

“Has a guy ever gone down on you before?” He looked down at me with passion filled eyes, and I shook my head. “Good.” He grinned and kissed me hard on the lips before kissing down my body.

I lay flat on my back wondering what he was going to do. I’d heard about men going down on women, but I didn’t really understand why. What was great about that? I felt embarrassed that he was going to be putting his face there, in my private spot.

“Relax, Riley.” His voice was hoarse as he reached my stomach. I felt his fingers trying to spread my legs apart, but I kept them closed. “It’s okay, Riley. Open your legs,” he whispered and slipped a finger between my thighs.

“I’m scared,” I whispered.

“Don’t be.” His voice sounded reassuring, so I slowly unclenched my legs. He took the opportunity to spread them wide, and I moaned loudly as I felt his fingers gently touching my private spot. “How does this feel?” he whispered as he ran his fingers up and down, making me wetter and wetter.

“It feels good,” I whispered and closed my eyes as my body was filled with unfamiliar feelings. I felt like a woman. I felt like I finally understood the secret of love and sex. I now understood why so many people made a big deal of sex.

“Good,” he whispered. His finger started rubbing me gently, and I felt an even more intense feeling building up in me. I tried to close my legs to stop the feeling from spreading because I thought I was going to pee.

“Stop.” I whispered, terrified that I was going to pee on his finger.

“What’s wrong?” he groaned and looked down at me. “Are you okay?”

“I just feel like I’m going to...” I whispered, not wanting to finish the sentence.

“Oh,” he laughed. “Are you scared because you’re wet?”

I nodded and he shook his head. “Don’t be embarrassed, Riley. It’s natural. It’s beautiful. Just like you.”

“Are you sure?” I groaned as I felt his finger enter me slightly. “What are you doing?”

“I’m just seeing how tight you are,” he groaned. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Hurt me?”

“When I enter you for the first time.” He smiled gently. “I’m using my finger to see how wet you are and how tight you are. When I enter you, it’s going to hurt a little bit.”

“Oh.” I trembled slightly.

“Don’t worry. I’ll make it as pain free as possible. Part of that is my making you as wet as possible.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Now relax.” He groaned and pushed me back down.

I felt his face between my legs, and I lay there still as a rock in anticipation. I never could have predicted how good it was going to feel. His tongue felt warm against me, and he licked me up and down as if he were a puppy lapping up milk. I felt my legs clenching on his face as my body trembled and shook. I was not prepared for the rush I felt when his tongue entered me. I’d thought his finger had felt good, but his tongue was something else altogether. It was warm and hard and soft all at the same time.

Hudson seemed to be enjoying it as well, grunting as he licked me and teased me. I was sad when he withdrew his tongue from me, but then he started sucking on a sweet spot and I knew I couldn’t stop what was about to happen.

“Oh, Hudson!” I screamed, reaching down and grabbing his head as I felt myself having my first orgasm. “Ooooh!” I screamed as I felt the heaviness down low erupting onto his face.

“Oh, Riley, you taste so sweet,” he groaned and held my thighs as he licked me. I moaned as he kissed back up my legs and then kissed me on the lips. “I can’t hold back any longer,” he muttered and reached over to the bag, removing a box. I watched as he pulled out a packet and ripped it open.

“Can I?” I whispered as he was about to place the condom on the tip of his penis.

“Okay.” He guided my hand. I rolled the rubber onto his hard shaft, and he groaned as my fingers ran down him. “Are you trying to make me come?” He groaned and pushed me back down. “I’m going to go slow,” he whispered. “I’m going to go slow so it doesn’t hurt.”

I nodded and lay back, opening my legs wide.

He entered me slowly and sweetly. I cried out when it hurt slightly, and he looked at me in concern. I nodded at him to keep going, and he pushed into me farther and harder until he was all the way inside of me. My fingers found their way to his back, and I wrapped my legs around his waist. Hudson increased his movements and his pace, and I felt as if my body were becoming one with his as he filled me with pleasure. Hudson groaned as he increased his pace even more. He opened his eyes and stared down into mine as he continued making love to me. I felt his body still for a moment and then he moved faster and faster before collapsing down on me.

“I love you, Riley,” he whispered as he rolled off of me and pulled me into his arms. “I hope I didn’t hurt you.”

“You didn’t.” I smiled at him and snuggled into him.

“Did you come?” he asked, and he stroked my breast.

“I don’t know.” I shook my head. “I didn’t come like before.”

“Oh no.” He looked upset. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. It still felt good.”

“I want it to feel more than good.” He grinned and kissed me. “We’ll do it again so I can try again.”

“I won’t say no to that.” I smiled up at him and laughed as I felt his fingers between my legs again. “And I love you too.”

“I never want this night to end.” He stroked my hair and gazed into my eyes. “I never want to forget this night of magic.”

“Me either,” I whispered back at him. “Me either.”

I saw a light shining in the bag and realized that Hudson’s phone had just received a text message. I saw Clara’s name and my heart thudded in guilt.

“Promise me that we will always both treasure this moment,” Hudson continued, and I diverted my attention to him.

“I will never forget.” I pulled him towards me and kissed him hard, wrapping my arms and legs around him. I could hear his heart beating next to mine, and I allowed myself to melt into the moment.

* * *

That night had been the only night we’d ever made love. It had been the last night we’d ever spent with each other. I could still remember it like it was yesterday. I still held it close to me. I had hoped that the next time I saw Hudson we could pretend like nothing had ever happened. We could pretend like everything that had happened was a dream. I’d hoped we could go back to being friends. I knew that I could never hope for us to talk about love again. Not after our betrayal. What we had done was wrong and we had both paid for it. I just hadn’t realized I would be paying for it for the rest of my life.

Chapter 9

Hudson

Present Day

I walked into the gym feeling tense. It had been a couple of days since I had seen Riley and she hadn’t come back, but I wasn’t hopeful that I could avoid her forever. Not now that she was writing an article about the championships. I knew that I was probably going to see her again, but I didn’t want to. Well, that was a lie. I did want to, but I didn’t want to want to.

I pulled out my ringing phone as I walked to the weights. “Hey, what’s up?”

“How’s it going?” Luke sounded eager as he gushed down the phone. “Nick says you’re awesome, which I already knew of course.”

“It’s fine. What do you want?”

“Is that any way to speak to your best friend?”

I sighed. “I’m busy.”

“Well sorry, Mr. Trump.” He paused. “I saw Clara’s mom today at the grocery store.”

“And?”

“She was using food stamps.”

“Oh?”

“She had to put some food back because she didn’t have enough.” He continued. “I felt bad for her, but I only had twenty dollars. Nothing I could do, you know?”

“Yeah.” I bit my lower lip. “I guess she still hasn’t found a job.”

“I guess she planned on Clara always looking after her.”

“Yeah.” I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall. “That was the plan.”

“Anyways, I thought I would let you know.”

“Yeah.”

“Just in case you were thinking of backing out,” he continued. “You know, Clara would—”

“I gotta go, Luke.” I hung up the phone angrily and quickly walked to the locker room.

I slowly opened the door, wishing that I could wake up one day and be out of this nightmare. I paused as I opened the door and heard the other guys talking.

“She has a tight body,” I heard Justin say. “I’d love to bend her over and...”

“I’d take her in the shower.” Channing sounded gruff. “I’d fuck her so hard that she’d be begging me to stop.”

“She’d never fuck you.” Justin laughed. “She’s all over me.”

“She was staring at my cock yesterday like she wanted to go down on me right then and there.”

“You wish, Channing.” A couple of the guys started laughing. I could feel my heart racing as I listened to the guys.

“No, Riley wishes.” He laughed. “She’s begging for me to take her.”

I felt something in me explode as I heard him say her name. I rushed forward and grabbed hold of his collar, and pushing him into the locker.

“What the fuck are you saying about Riley?” I snarled in his face.

“Nothing that ain’t true.” Channing looked at me with hate in his eyes.

I tightened my grip. “What were you saying?”

“I said she wants to suck on my cock,” he said slowly while licking his lips.

“Shut the fuck up, you prick.” I couldn’t stop myself, and I felt my fist hitting his face.

“Or what, pussy?”

“Or I will fuck you up.”

I attempted to punch him again, but he blocked my fist and tried to knee me in the crotch. I pushed him back into the lockers again and brought my right hook up to his face again. He was too slow this time and took a blow to his eye. He looked at me angrily, and I felt him push me back. I tripped over the bench, and he took advantage of the fact that I was down to kick me in the ribs. He got two kicks in before I grabbed his leg and pulled him down to join me. I grabbed his face and smashed it into the ground as he kneed me in the crotch.

I didn’t feel any pain as he beat me up. All I could think about was how he’d disrespected Riley. I felt sick to my stomach that he could say such things about her and even sicker thinking about her with another man—especially him. I would kill him before I would let him touch her.

His words played around in my mind and I grew angrier. I started hitting him harder and then I felt his teeth sinking into my arm hard.

“Guys, stop!” Justin stood above us, and I could see the panic in his eyes. “Please stop! Come on, Channing. Leave Batman alone.”

“He started it,” Channing grunted out while attempting to hit me in the face. I turned over and pushed him onto his back before sitting on him and holding him down. “It’s not my fault that Riley wants me to fuck her brains out.”

“Shut up, you asshole!” I didn’t hesitate before I punched him in the mouth.

“Pussy!” He spat blood out at me and I held his arms down.

“What did you say?” I growled at him. My eyes burned into his, and he looked up at me in hate.

“I said, it’s not my—” He began and I made to hit him again when we were interrupted.

“Stop.” Riley ran into the locker room and stared at me for a few seconds before looking away. “Please stop.”

I watched as one of the other guys followed her into the other room and sighed. I wondered what he had told her. I stared down at Channing and wondered if I could chance hitting him one last time.

“Please, Hudson, stop.” Riley’s voice was soft, and I looked at her.

I wasn’t prepared for the feeling of want and desperation that filled me as I stared at her. I was about to get up when Channing whispered up at me.

“You may have won this one, but I’ll still have her screaming out my name as I fuck her.” He grinned at me as he licked his lips, and I found my fist crashing down into his face again.

“Hudson, no!” she screamed and ran over to me. I could see tears in her eyes. “Please, stop!”

“You need to leave, Riley.” I pushed her away from me. My arms were on fire where she touched me. All of a sudden, all I could think about was the night on the beach—the night I took her virginity. I could see her face as she purred up at me in pleasure. I could feel her supple breasts in my hand. I looked at her angrily as the feelings came back. “Get out of here!” I shouted at her and watched as she flinched.

“I’m not leaving.” She shook her head and stared at me. “You can’t make me.”

“You guys know each other?” Channing looked back and forth at us and then smiled an evil little smile. “That makes sense of course. It makes perfect sense.”

“I don’t know him.” Riley looked at me for a second and shook her head. I felt empty at her words.

“Riley, I’m...” I stopped and looked away from her. I didn’t know how to say the words.

I wanted to tell her that I was sorry, but that would mean I’d have to acknowledge everything that had happened. I didn’t want to even think about it. I was scared that if I went back down that road, old feelings would resurface. Feelings that I’d kept under wraps for the last four years. Riley was someone who couldn’t be in my life anymore. Not now that I had other responsibilities. I owed it to Clara.

“So, Riley, we’re all going to a camping trip next weekend because Nick wants us to bond. I was hoping you could come. What do you think?” Channing’s voice was smooth as he invited Riley on the trip, and I held my breath, hoping she would say no. She had to say no.

“That sounds good. Thank you.” Her voice was sweet and innocent, and I saw her quickly glance at me to see my reaction.

I ignored her stare and looked at Channing. He was pushing his tongue in and out, and I grabbed Riley by the arm and pulled her out of the room with me.

“What are you doing?” she cried out in surprise, but I ignored her and pulled her into the parking lot with me.

“What are you playing at, Riley?” I growled down at her, staring into her wide brown eyes.

“I’m not playing at anything.” She shook her head and paused. “I’m surprised you know me now though.”

“What?” I frowned as she trembled in my arms.

“You ignored me the other day.” She took a deep breath, and I could see tears in her eyes.

“Don’t cry, Riley.” I felt my heart breaking as I stared at her, and I pushed all the doubts out of my mind and leaned down to kiss her.

I couldn’t stop myself from tasting her lips again. I knew it was wrong. I knew I was going to pay, but I just couldn’t stop myself. I needed to hold her in my arms again, if only to remember everything I had lost due to my sinful ways.

Chapter 10

Riley

Present Day

The world has ended. That’s all I could think as Hudson kissed me. I was confused to feel his lips on mine. It was something I had never expected to feel again. There was nothing gentle about his embrace as his lips crushed down on mine.

“What are you doing?” I reluctantly pulled away from him. “What’s going on, Hudson?”

“I told you that you need to leave.”

“So you know me now?” I gazed into his eyes, and he took a step back and looked away.

“I’m sorry about the other day.” He sighed.

“Why were you fighting Channing?”

“That’s why I’m here, right? To fight.”

“That looked like a real fight.”

“They are all real. This isn’t fake fighting.”

“I know it’s not fake, but that didn’t look like you were fighting for the championship.”

“It’s none of your business.”

“Of course not.” I rolled my eyes, hurt at his words.

“Why are you here, Riley?”

“I’m writing an article.”

“You shouldn’t be here.”

“Why? Because I’m a girl?”

“This is not the place for someone like you.”

“Someone like me?” I could feel the tears building up in my eyes again. I didn’t understand why he was being like this.

Where had my Hudson gone? This man in front of me was hateful and cold—something I’d never expected from him.

“Please don’t cry.” He stared at me with pained eyes and pulled me towards him. “I can’t stand it when you cry, Riley.”

“I’m not crying.” I shook my head and turned my face away from him. I felt his fingers on my cheeks wiping away my tears. “Don’t.” I looked at him angrily. “Don’t touch me.”

“I’m sorry.” He shook his head as his fingers moved to my lips, tracking them gently. “I’m sorry.” He bent down again and kissed me.

This time, his lips were soft and searching. He kissed me as if he were looking for something, and I kissed him back urgently. My hands found their way to his head and my fingers played with his hair as his tongue entered my mouth. I sucked on it eagerly, as if our deepening kiss would somehow fix everything. I felt his hands on my back, then on my stomach. His fingers caressed me. His touch made me feel alive.

Then his fingers made their way up to my breasts. At first, he was timid, but then it was as if something in him had snapped. His fingers squeezed my breasts eagerly and roughly as his tongue wrestled with mine. I could feel his breathing grow heavier. My own heart was beating fast, and I pressed myself against him. This was what I had been missing. This was what felt so right. This was where I belonged.

“No,” he gasped as my fingers ran down his chest and he pulled away. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want this to happen. This can’t happen again, Riley.”

“I’m sorry.” I looked down, ashamed of myself.

“It’s not your fault.”

“Don’t hate me, Hudson.” I looked into his eyes, trying to convey all of my emotions in one glance. “I’m sorry about what happened.” It was the first time I had told him sorry, and I felt as if I were in that moment once again.

“It’s not your fault. I’m the sinner, Riley. I’m the one who has to pay.” His eyes looked at me bleakly.

I could feel the pain running through his veins. I could see the guilt. I recognized the sleepless nights in the bags under his eyes, and I sensed the hopelessness in his voice. It was the same pain and hopelessness I felt. It was the same guilt I experienced every night when I went to bed. Only I was the one to blame.

“It wasn’t your fault, Hudson.” I reached out to him, but he shook his head.

“I’m sorry. Please just go. Riley. Please. I can’t do this. I don’t want to see you.” He looked away from me, and I wanted to scream at him. How could he sound and look so casual as he ripped my heart out of my body?

“You don’t mean that,” I whispered, needing him to look at me.

“I’m sorry, Riley. I don’t know what you expected.” He glanced at me and looked away. “It’s been four years. We shouldn’t have seen each other again. I thought we’d never see each other again. I’m not a good man.” He stared at me then. I could see that his eyes were devoid of emotion. It was if he had lost a part of himself.

I watched him walk back into the gym and stood there for a few minutes, deciding what to do. I wanted to go back in, but I knew it was too soon. I wasn’t going to let him run me out again. The next time I went back to the gym, I was going to be in full control of my emotions.

It was obvious to me that Hudson hadn’t forgiven himself for that night, and that killed me. I wanted to tell him the truth, I wanted him to know my part, but I was scared that he would hate me more than he already did. I decided to go home and study instead. I needed to think about something other than Hudson. It was clear to me that we were never going to get back to that place.

* * *

I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling, thinking about Hudson and the kiss. I hugged my pillow and tried not to scream as I daydreamed about him, my textbook on the bed next to me.

“Hey, what are you doing home?” Eden walked into my room with a surprised face.

“Needed to study.”

“I thought you were going to interview some of the guys. Don’t tell me that they figured out you have no clue already.”

“Very funny.” I laughed. “And they know I’m not an expert.”

“You told them?” She sat down on the bed next to me. “Tell me. Are there any hotties?”

“Hotties?”

“The guys! Any potential de-virginizers?” She giggled, and I rolled my eyes at her.

“No. Well, there is one guy, Justin. He seems nice, but who knows.”

“Ooh, Justin. I like the name. Is he a surfer?”

“Not a surfer.” I shook my head and she sighed.

“Of course not.” She lay back on my bed next to me. “Where did all the surfers go?”

“Hawaii?”

“Funny.” She giggled. “So tell me more. Why are these guys doing this? Aren’t they risking their lives?”

“I don’t know. Money, I guess.” I bit my lower lip and sat up. “I saw Hudson.”

“What?” Her eyes widened. “My brother, Hudson?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Weird.” She stared at me. “Where did you see him?”

“At the gym.”

“Oh?”

“He’s trying to enter the competition.”

“The fight?” She sat up then. “No shit.”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “He seemed pretty intense.”

“Yeah.” She sighed and leaned against the wall. “I guess he never really got over Clara.”

“Yeah.” I looked away, feeling bad.

“I spoke to Luke the other day,” she said slowly. “He said Clara’s mom is doing really badly. Like she might get evicted.”

My eyes widened. “Oh no.”

“I bet he wants to give her the money,” she continued. “What’s the prize again? A hundred grand?”

“A million dollars.”

Her jaw dropped. “Holy shit. That’s a lot of money.”

“Yeah.” I nodded and then peeked at her. “He looked like he was really down, Eden.”

“Oh, he’s always like that these days.” She shrugged.

“Do you ever think about that summer?” I asked her softly, not wanting to bring it up but needing to talk about it.

“Sometimes.” She nodded and sighed. “But honestly, I try not to.”

“I always think about that last night,” I continued. “If we had done something differently, what would have happened?”

“Yeah. If I hadn’t gone on that horrible date.” She made a face.

“Yeah, or if Hudson and I hadn’t gone out and left Clara at home.”

“We couldn’t have known, Riley.” Eden grabbed her hands. “We were only in high school.”

“But we knew she’d been drinking,” I continued, not able to stop.

“We thought she was sleeping.” Eden’s voice rose. “I’m sorry, but she was selfish. She had no business going to the bar by herself. Especially when she was already drunk.”

“Alcohol makes it so you can’t think properly.”

“She was an alcoholic. She did this to herself.” Eden grabbed her hands. “I know you’re sensitive, Riley, but her death wasn’t your fault. And it wasn’t Hudson’s either.”

“I know.” I looked down, unseeing and barely able to breathe. I was taken back to that night, and all I could think about was lying naked in his arms, kissing him, touching him, loving the feel of him next to me.

It had been so sweet, so so sweet. Yet it had ended in tears. We’d stayed out all night and we’d gone back home in the early hours of the morning. Everything had fallen apart as soon as we saw the cop cars in front of the house. It was as if we both knew before we’d even been told. I could remember that night as clearly as if it had happened yesterday.

“Oh, Hudson!” Eden had run out of the house and into his arms. Her face was red with tears and she didn’t even notice how we stepped apart quickly. She didn’t notice that I was wearing his shirt. She didn’t notice that our bodies were glowing. She didn’t notice that Hudson and I had made love all night under the stars. She didn’t notice because none of that mattered. Not after the tragedy that had occurred. “What’s wrong?” Hudson had asked the words but I think we both knew.

“It’s Clara,” she whispered. “She’s dead.”

“Riley, are you okay?” I felt Eden shaking my shoulder, and I looked up at her unblinking.

“Yeah, sorry. What did you say?”

“Are you thinking about it?”

“Yeah.” I nodded and swallowed. “I was thinking about it.”

“She was driving drunk. She was irresponsible.” Eden grabbed my shoulders. “Look at me, Riley. This wasn’t our fault. She should have known better. She shouldn’t have driven drunk.”

“I know.” I felt sick to my stomach and rolled away from her. “Do you think I can be by myself right now?” I whispered. “I don’t feel well.”

“Okay.” Eden stood up, and I listened to her as she walked to the door. “You can’t blame yourself, Riley. You didn’t know.”

I lay there for about thirty minutes, staring at the wall blankly. My brain was void of thoughts and my heart was void of emotion as I thought back to that night again.

Dead, dead, dead. I could still hear the words in my ears. So unfamiliar, so unreal. How could she die? She wasn’t supposed to die. She was supposed to ask someone for a ride home. She wasn’t supposed to drive drunk.

My stomach started churning as I allowed myself to go down the dark road of that night again. The one night that had been the best and worst of my life. I closed my eyes and pictured Hudson’s face, so handsome, so caring, and so loving. He’d loved me. I knew that now. He’d always loved me. Once upon a time. And I’d loved him. How could I not? He’d been my protector, my friend, the boy who’d taught me to kiss. The boy who’d always cared about me.

And he was handsome. Oh was he handsome. When I looked at him, my heart did a million flips. I could barely control my breathing when I was close to him. I’d dreamed of him for years. I’d always wanted a chance. Waited for him to realize he wanted me. And then he’d brought Clara with him. Clara, a beautiful, wonderful girl. Clara, who was to become the first girlfriend of his that I had ever met. I’d hated her on sight. How could I not? How could you not hate the woman who was with the boy you’d always wanted? But I’d tried to hide my hate. And I’d tried to stay away from him.

Until that last night. That last night I’d had a shot of vodka and gained some liquid courage. That night I’d thrown caution to the wind. And it had been marvelous. Making love to Hudson had set my heart and body on fire; I’d never known it could be like that. So sweet and hot and sexual. I hadn’t known that there were tastes and feelings that could make my body pulse with such pleasure that I didn’t want it to end. And I hadn’t wanted it to end.

As I had lain in his arms, soaking him in, I hadn’t wanted the night to end. And that was why I’d deleted the text messages. I could still see them clearly. The messages and the missed calls. “Hudson, come pick me up at the bar. I’m drunk.”

I hadn’t even hesitated as I’d pressed delete so quickly and casually. I wasn’t going to let her ruin my night. It was supposed to be our night. It was supposed to be about me and Hudson. I didn’t want him to feel guilty. I didn’t want him to think about her. He was going to dump her. He didn’t love her.

I’d been childish and selfish and jealous, but it didn’t even matter because I had still lost Hudson. And I’d cost Clara her life. And the guilt of what I’d done continued to consume me. I knew I needed to tell Hudson the truth. He had to know that it was my fault that Clara was dead. I was the reason he hadn’t gone to pick her up. Only I was scared. I was scared that not only would Hudson stop talking to me forever, but that he would hate me forever as well.

Chapter 11

Hudson

Present Day

I sat at the back of the bus by myself. I was angry that Riley had shown up, but I tried to tell myself I didn’t care. I’d made a mistake kissing her the other day. I shouldn’t have kissed her. I’d seen the look of shock in her eyes. The fear and the pain. She was disgusted by me. She probably thought I couldn’t keep it in my pants. I was like every other guy. I let sex guide me. I let lust guide me. I wasn’t an honorable man. I was a killer.

I clenched my fist as I sat back, watching Riley laughing and talking with Justin. Though, I was glad it wasn’t Channing. I would have killed Channing if he even thought about talking to her. She looked beautiful of course. When she’d arrived, she’d given me a scared look, as if she’d thought I was going to shout at her and tell her to leave. I’d been angry to see her of course. However, another part of me had been excited. Really excited.

I listened to her laugh, and a part of me was warmed by the sound. I groaned softly to myself. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be near her. I didn’t deserve to be.

I closed my eyes and tried not to stare at Riley like some creep. Instead, images of her filled my brain—images of happier moments in time.

* * *

“Hudson, wanna go fishing?” Riley’s ten-year-old voice was eager as she walked into my room.

I shook my head. “Not really.”

“Oh.” She came and sat on my bed. “What are you doing?”

“I’m studying.” I sighed, not wanting to be bothered by her.

“What are you studying?”

“Botany,” I lied.

“What’s that?” She made a face and reached for my book.

“Plant stuff.” I grabbed my book up to my chest. “Why don’t you go and bother Eden?” I snapped.

“What?” She frowned and looked at me with sad eyes.

“Nothing,” I sighed, feeling bad but still holding my book close to my chest.

“Why are you so mean?”

“Why are you so annoying?”

“Because I’m the boss.”

“Boss of who?” She looked around.

“The boss of you. Duh.”

“You’re not the boss of me.”

“Yeah, I am.” I raised an eyebrow. “Go and get me some water.”

“No.” She shook her head.

“Go and get some water and I’ll take you fishing.”

“Really?” She looked at me eagerly.

“Yeah,” I grinned at her. “Sure.”

“Okay.” She jumped off of the bed, ran to the door, and stopped.

“Go and get me my water, minion.” I laughed and lay back. “I told you I’m the boss.”

“I saw the boob in your botany book.” She raised an eyebrow at me and grinned. “Happy studying, Hudson.” She giggled and ran out of the room as my face went red.

Shit! I threw the book and the Playboy magazine it was supposed to be hiding on my bed.

“Riley!” I screamed as I ran out of my room.

“Yes, boss?”

“Don’t tell my mom.” I glared at her as she giggled. She was a pain in the ass.

“Yes, boss.”

“Stop calling me boss.”

“Yes, boss.”

“You’re so annoying.” I glared at her. “Don’t tell anyone or I’ll never take you fishing again.”

“Uh huh.” She smiled, and I rubbed the top of her head and walked back to my room.

* * *

I opened my eyes then, feeling sad. I missed having Riley in my life. She’d always been a pain in the ass, but she’d always been someone close to my heart. I supposed in a way it had been inevitable that we fell in love. She’d always had a piece of my heart from the very first time I’d met her.

I watched as Riley turned her head slightly and looked at me, and I looked away quickly. I sat there for a few seconds and then looked back to the front. Riley was no longer looking at me, but Channing’s gaze was on me with a knowing look. It took everything I had to not get up and punch the smug look off his face.

This weekend was supposed to be about bonding, and while I had no intentions of bonding with Channing, I didn’t want to let anyone know that before we’d even arrived at the campsite.

I sighed as I realized that I was going to have to interact with Riley once we got there. There was no way I could just ignore her. I had to learn to get a handle on my emotions and feelings. I had to be prepared for the looks I was sure she would be getting from every guy on the trip. I knew that there was no way that all the other guys would be able to ignore her. She was beautiful and nice and kind and sexy.

I jumped up and walked to the front of the bus, before I could stop myself.

I tapped Riley on the shoulder. “Hey.”

She looked at me in surprise. “Hi.” Her eyes were curious, and I saw a flash of excitement in them, but she didn’t smile at me.

“I was wondering if we could talk.”

She frowned. “You want to talk to me?”

“That’s what I said,” I huffed, annoyed that she hadn’t gotten up already.

“What about?”

“Yeah, what about, Batman?” Justin chimed in, and I tried my hardest to keep my mouth shut. I liked Justin and didn’t want to have to smack him.

“Riley.” I said her name softly, and she gazed up into my eyes. We stared at each other for a few seconds and then she stood up.

“Fine.” She followed me to the back of the bus, and I heard Justin shouting after us.

“Don’t leave me, Riley,” he sang out, and a couple of the guys laughed.

“So?” She sat down in the back next to me, and I could see the question in her eyes.

“I wanted to just say hey.” I shrugged, feeling inadequate.

“You could have said hey while I was at the front.”

“I thought we could talk.”

“About what?” She leaned back and looked at me expectantly.

“Maybe we can be friends?” I felt awkward saying the words. This was a girl I loved. This was the girl whose virginity I had taken, yet here I was, asking her to be friends like we were strangers.

“Sure.” She nodded and looked down.

“I’m sorry for ignoring you the other day.”

“You already told me that.”

“I’m sorry that I told you to leave.”

“I understand why.”

“I’m sorry I kissed you.”

“I’m not,” she whispered, and I looked at her in shock. My heart started beating fast as she stared into my eyes.

“Sorry, what?”

“I’m not sorry you kissed me.” She bit her lower lip, and I could see the confusion in her eyes. “It was nice.”

“Riley,” I groaned. I didn’t need this right now. I didn’t want her to tell me that she’d enjoyed kissing me. I couldn’t hear that.

“Hudson.” Her voice cracked. “It’s not your fault that Clara died.” She stared into my eyes, and in that instant, I felt like I was back at the scene. She had the same look in her eyes that I’d had when we saw the cops outside the house.

I was ashamed of the first thoughts I’d had when I’d seen the cops. I was mad. I was mad that our perfect evening was being ruined. I’d wanted it to be so special. I’d wanted every moment of it to be picture perfect. But of course, how could it have been? I’d been a guy with a girlfriend. It didn’t matter that I’d been about to end it. The fact was that I hadn’t ended it, yet I had still slept with Riley.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I shook my head, and she grabbed my hand.

“I need to tell you something.” Her voice cracked and I shook my head again.

“No. This isn’t the time.”

“Do you hate me?” Her voice drifted into my ears, and it felt so strange to hear it. I’d grown up listening to that voice, but now it sounded distant. It was surreal.

“I could never hate you.” I took her hand in mine. “You know that, right? You’ll always be my little squirt.”

“You just stopped talking to me.”

“I’m sorry.” I sat back and took a deep breath. “I took advantage of you. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“You didn’t take advantage of me.”

“I never should have encouraged you to skinny dip.”

“Hudson, stop it.” She shook her head angrily. “I wanted you to.”

“I should have waited. I should have made it more special. It wasn’t right. We shouldn’t have made love that night.”

“So you regret it?”

“Yes.” I nodded and stared into her eyes. “I regret it.”

A dart of pain shot through me as I lied. This is why you’re evil and destined for hell, Hudson, an inner voice said to me. You don’t regret it at all. You’ve never regretted it. It’s the only thing that makes you happy. It’s the memory you look back at when you feel down and depressed.

Making love to Riley was the highlight of my life. That night was everything to me. I held it close to my heart. It made me feel. And I lived with that guilt every single day of my life. The best moment of my life happened right before Clara died. And I just couldn’t live with myself for that.

“I see.” Her voice cracked and she jumped up.

“Where are you going?” I grabbed her arm, loath to see her walk away.

“I’m going back to my seat.”

“Oh.” I dropped my arm.

“It was good talking to you.” She offered me a weak smile.

“Friends again?” I held out my hand, and she looked at it for a second before taking it.

“Okay, friends again.” We shook hands weakly, and I watched her walk back to the front of the bus.

I felt my heart breaking once again. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through this weekend. And to be completely honest, I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through the rest of my life.

* * *

I went for a run in the woods to try and calm myself down. I’d been pissed when I saw Channing and Riley place their sleeping bags next to each other. I’d seen him grinning at me as he put his bag down next to hers, and I’d wanted to punch him hard. He was a jackass, and I knew he was deliberately trying to wind me up.

“Save your energy for the fight,” I whispered to myself as I ran. That’s all I could tell myself.

I couldn’t afford to make a wrong step and not get the opportunity to attend the championships. I needed to win the million dollars. I needed to support Clara’s mom since I knew that was her greatest wish, and I also wanted to give money to Jamilah’s mom. I was worried about her.

I’d seen her right before the fight, and she’d looked stressed. I knew that she was leaving the kids at home while she went to work, but what could I say? I knew she needed the money, and I tried to babysit whenever I could. It broke my heart that Jamilah and Marcus were left alone so many nights, but I didn’t know what I could do without interfering. If I won the million dollars, maybe Jamilah’s mom could look for a new job and get someone to help her watch the kids.

I stopped by a tree trunk, sweat dripping down my face. I felt like I had a world of worries on my shoulders, but all I could think about was Riley. I wondered what she was doing at that very moment. I sighed and sat on the ground as I tried to sort out my thoughts. I stilled as I heard footsteps approaching me.

“Thanks for agreeing to walk with me.” Channing’s voice sounded smarmy, and I frowned.

“No worries,” Riley replied, and I froze. What was she doing with him?

“You’re so pretty.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re single right?”

“Yes.”

No, I wanted to shout, she’s not single! She’s mine! But I just remained still and clenched my fists.

“Good, I’m single as well.”

“Oh nice.” Riley’s voice sounded uncertain, and I was annoyed at her. I didn’t know why she wasn’t shutting him down right away.

“We should go on a date when we get back.”

“Okay,” she replied, and it took everything I had to not run out and grab her.

“What do you like to do?”

“To do?”

“On dates?”

“Oh, lots of stuff.”

“Do you like riding?” Channing’s voice was soft, and I felt my blood boiling.

“Riding?” Riley sounded confused.

“Yeah, I love girls that love to ride,” Channing laughed, and I stood up, ready to go and hit him.

“I can’t say I’ve ever been. I’ve never really been around horses,” she replied, and I smiled.

“Do you like dogs?”

“Yeah, why?”

“I love doggie style.”

“Excuse me?” Her voice rose and I could hear the shock in her tone.

“I’m joking,” Channing replied smoothly, and I knew that he was trying to play it smooth.

I wasn’t sure if he really liked her or if he was playing with her to try to get to me, but I knew that there was no way I was going to let him sleep next to her tonight. I knew he would try and pull something. I didn’t trust him at all and I wasn’t going to just wait to see what happened.

I waited until they had walked some more and then I ran back to the camp. Most of the other guys were sitting around drinking beers. I walked over to the bags, quickly grabbed Riley’s sleeping bag, and ran off. I ran deep into the woods and threw it behind some rocks before running back.

“Hudson, want a Bud Light?” Justin called out to me, and I nodded.

“Thanks.” I took it and sat next to him. “Looks like this should be a fun weekend,” I said casually.

“Yeah, it should be cool.” He nodded. “You and Channing going to be okay?”

“Why shouldn’t we be?”

“I don’t know.” He shrugged.

“I have no problem with him,” I lied.

“Oh okay.” Justin chugged some of his beer, and it looked like he was about to say something when Channing and Riley arrived back to the camp. “Hey, guys. You want a beer.”

“Of course.” Channing ran over and grabbed a beer. I watched as Riley followed him slowly and took one.

“Are you sure about that, Riley?” I frowned at her and she blushed.

“Yes.” She opened the tab and took a long gulp.

“Fine.” I shook my head and looked away from her. “So what’s the plan for tonight, guys?”

“I thought I’d have an early night.” Channing grinned at me. “You never can be too prepared.”

“Prepared for what?” Justin asked him.

“People screaming or shouting.” Channing stared at me. “Or scratching and sucking.”

“What?” Justin looked confused, and Channing turned around and laughed. “Nothing.”

Fucking asshole, was all I could think as I stared at his cocky face.

“I’m going to go and change.” Riley looked at me for a second and then walked over to the bags. “Shit!” she cried out, and I saw her pacing around. I stayed where I was, not wanting her to get suspicious if I jumped up too quickly. “Hey, guys, has anyone seen my sleeping bag?” She walked up to us, her face a deep red. “It’s missing.”

“It can’t be missing.” I frowned.

“Well, it’s no longer there,” she snapped back at me.

“Are you sure?” I asked slowly, giving her a look.

“Yes, I’m sure.” She glared at me, and I bit back a smile.

“Let me see.” I jumped up and walked to the sleeping bags with her. “I don’t see it.”

“That’s what I just said.”

“What are you going to do?”

“What do you mean, what am I going to do?” She glared at me. “I don’t have many choices, do I? I guess I’ll sleep on the ground.”

“Okay.” I shrugged and turned away. Then I stopped and turned back to her. “You can share my bag.”

“What?” Her eyes widened and she shook her head. “I can’t do that.”

“I have a double. It’ll be fine.”

“I can’t sleep in the same bag as you.”

“Why not? Would you rather be in Channing’s bag?” I shot at her jealously.

“No.” Her eyes narrowed at me. “Not at all.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“I can’t.” She looked away from me.

“We’re friends, right?” I took a step towards her and waited for her to look up at me.

She nodded. “Yeah.”

“Then share my bag with me. I’m not going to have you sleeping on the ground.” Or with Channing.

“Fine.” She nodded. “I’ll try and keep to my side.”

“Good.” I nodded back at her.

“Good.” I watched as she swallowed.

I couldn’t stop myself from staring at her body. I felt a tightening in my chest as I realized that I was going to be sharing a sleeping bag with her. What was I doing to myself? Was I a glutton for punishment?

“I’m going to go and shower,” she said slowly and I nodded.

“Fine.”

“I’m going to go to sleep early.” Her eyes searched mine. “I’ll probably be asleep by the time you get in the bag.”

“I’ll try not to disturb you.”

“Thanks.” She smiled weakly, and I turned away from her, walking back over to the guys.

I saw Channing giving me a look of hatred and I didn’t feel anything. If he only knew the reality of the situation. I hated myself at that moment as well.

Chapter 12

Riley

Present Day

I lay in the sleeping bag with my heart racing. I tried to count sheep to make myself fall asleep, but nothing was working. I just couldn’t fall asleep. My body was on edge waiting for Hudson to get into the bag with me. I wasn’t sure what had happened to my own bag, but I felt like this was some sort of sick retribution for the secret I was keeping. It was going to be the sweetest kind of hell sharing a sleeping bag with Hudson—having him so close to me, yet so far. It wasn’t like I would be able to touch him or kiss him. Not like I wanted to. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths to ensure that I didn’t start crying. That was the last thing I needed.

“Night, Hudson,” I heard Justin say before walking back to the campsite.

“See you in the morning.” Hudson’s voice was smooth, and I shivered. This was it; he was on the way back to the sleeping bag.

I squeezed my eyes tight and lay there curled up. I heard him stop next to the bag, but I wasn’t sure what he was doing. I felt like I’d waited for over an hour for him to finally get into the sleeping bag, but I knew it had only been a couple of minutes, if that.

I froze as I felt him sliding his body into the sleeping bag. He moved very slowly, and I guessed that was because he didn’t want to wake me up. His arm brushed against mine and it left a trail of fire on my skin. I waited to see how he would settle in the bag and was disappointed when he lay back and left distance between us. I pretended to yawn and rolled over so that I was closer to his body. He stilled as I crashed into him. I kept my eyes closed but moved my hand over his waist.

“Riley?” he whispered, but I kept my eyes closed. I felt his arm move around my waist, and I moved in closer to him, pretending to still be asleep. I gasped inwardly as I felt my hand touch his naked chest. My eyes peeked open to confirm that he had no shirt on. “Riley,” he whispered again, and I felt his hands on my face. I looked up at him slowly and saw a smile on his face. “Did I wake you up?”

“No.” I shook my head and made a face.

“Am I making you hot?”

“No.” I shook my head again. “In fact, you’re warming me up. I was a little cold.”

“Oh, well we can’t have you lying there cold.” He put both his arms around me then and pulled me closer to him. I shifted my legs and found them rubbing up against his. “I love the feel of your smooth legs against my hairy ones,” he whispered in my ear, and I giggled.

“You could have smooth legs too.”

“Are you telling me to shave them?” He made a face, and I shook my head.

“I’d never say that.” I ran my fingers against his chest hair. “That’s what makes you a man.”

He raised an eyebrow at me. “My chest hair makes me a man?”

“Not just your chest hair.”

“Oh good, I was about to say. I thought it was my dick that made me a man.”

“Hudson.” I pinched him and he chuckled.

“Sorry.” He stroked my hair and sighed. “This was a bad idea.”

“What was a bad idea?”

“Having you sleep with me.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to do so much more than sleep.” He looked at me then, but I didn’t know what to say to him. How could I tell him that I wanted to do more than just sleep with him as well? “Sorry. Did I upset you?”

“No.” I shook my head, and he sighed.

“I’ve missed you.” He gave me a sweet smile. “You look so beautiful. I’m so proud of the woman you’ve become.”

“I missed you too.” I bit my lower lip and stared into his eyes. “I’m sorry I came on this trip. I know you didn’t want me to.”

“I’m glad you came.”

“Why?” I asked in a hushed tone. My heart was thudding and I felt like I was getting a fever from being so close to him.

“Because I get to do this.” He leaned forward and kissed me, his eyes never leaving mine. His lips tasted salty, and I kissed him back. Our lips connected for a few seconds before he pulled back. “Sorry.” He sighed and rubbed his forehead. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“I didn’t say no.”

He shook his head. “We shouldn’t do this again.”

“Fine.” I pulled away from him slightly. I was hurt. I was so into him, and I wanted to touch him again so badly, but he just seemed to want to push me away.

“Don’t be upset.” He grabbed me around the waist and pulled me towards him. “What are you doing to me, Riley?”

“Nothing,” I mumbled, frustrated and confused.

“I want to kiss you again,” he sighed, and I felt his fingers running up and down my back.

“You can kiss me again.”

“No.” He shook his head. “I can’t.”

“Why not?” I asked, disappointed.

“I want to do more than kiss you, Riley. I want to hold you and touch you. I want to feel you. I want to make love to you.” He groaned as I grabbed his hand and placed it on my breast. “What are you doing to me?”

“I want to make love to you as well,” I whispered against his lips. “I want to taste and feel you, too.”

“We can’t do this.” He shook his head. “I’m not good for you.”

“Let me decide that.” I licked his lips.

“Riley,” he groaned. “You don’t know how badly I want this to happen, but I can’t. I just can’t.”

“Don’t you like me?” I whispered, hurt.

“Don’t you get it?” His fingers gripped my chin and made me look at him. “I more than like you, Riley. I’ve always liked you. But look what happened. What we did. What I did. I don’t deserve you. I have things I have to do.”

“I heard about Clara’s mom.” I traced the lines under his eyes. “I know why you’re entering the fight.”

“She nearly got evicted.” He closed his eyes. “It’s my fault.”

“That’s not your fault.”

“Clara was going to take care of her.” He eyes looked bleak. “She was going to become a doctor so that she could help people and make enough money to support her mom.”

“She was a good person.”

“She had issues. We all do.” He sighed. “She liked to drink. I knew that. That always hits me. I knew she was drunk that night.” He shook his head, and his voice sounded angry. “I knew she wanted to go to the bar. I should have stayed.”

“I’m the one who convinced you to leave.” I bit my lower lip. “It was my fault.”

“Never say that.” He shook his head. “It was not your fault.”

“Hudson, I’ve got something to tell you.” I took a deep breath and was about to tell him about the text message I’d deleted when his lips found mine again.

This time, they were hard and passionate. His tongue slipped into my mouth eagerly, and my fingers ran up and down his back. He groaned against me, and I pushed my legs between his. He was wearing a pair of boxer shorts, and I felt his hardness against my leg. I reached down and slipped my fingers into his shorts and he gasped. He pulled away from me slightly with a question in his eyes.

I leaned towards him and kissed him again as he pushed me onto my back. His fingers slipped under my t-shirt, and he groaned as he realized that I wasn’t wearing a bra.

“Oh, Riley, what are you doing to me?” he muttered against my lips, and I ran my fingers down his hardness, holding him in my hands softly and squeezing him gently. My fingers ran to the tip of him, and I felt his body tremble as I reached down and tugged on his balls. “I love the way you taste,” he groaned as he kissed my neck and sucked on the skin, giving me a hickey. His fingers played with my nipples, and I moaned as I felt his hands moving south. “I wish I could see you,” he whispered in my ears.

“You can see me,” I whispered back.

“I mean I wish I could see all of your body,” he groaned. “I want to suck on your nipples right now.”

“Oh!” I gasped as his fingers slipped into my shorts and worked their way into my panties. “Ohhh, Hudson.”

“We have to be quiet.” He pressed his lips against mine. “We don’t want anyone to know what we’re doing.”

“Do you think they suspect?”

“I don’t care.” He half-laughed. “They can suspect what they want.”

“You don’t like them, do you?” My back arched as his fingers gently rubbed me. “Oh, Hudson.” I squeezed my legs together, and his eyes blazed into mine.

“They mean nothing to me.” He kissed me. “Nothing at all.”

“I see.” I closed my eyes and then stilled as I felt him gently pulling my panties down. “What are you doing?”

“What do you think?” He grinned and licked his lips.

“Can we do this?” I whispered back, very much wanting to do it.

“It’s up to you.” He looked at me, and I lay back, pulled my panties and shorts completely off, and stared back at him. “Are you sure?”

I looked at him and nodded. “Yes, are you?”

“I shouldn’t,” he groaned. “There are so many reasons why I shouldn’t, but I don’t think I can say no.”

“None of the reasons are good ones.” I pulled my t-shirt off and pressed my breasts against him. He groaned and pulled his boxer shorts down.

“You have to turn around,” he whispered softly.

“Why?”

“Because I’m going to have to do you from behind.” His voice was hoarse. “If I’m on top of you or if you’re on top of me, it will be too obvious.”

“Oh.” I blushed, feeling stupid. “I didn’t think about that.”

“We’ll have to spoon. Turn around,” he commanded, and I rolled over. He immediately put his arms around me and pulled me back into him. “Oh, God, what are we doing?” he groaned, and I felt his hardness against my ass.

His fingers played with my stomach before moving up and grabbing my breasts. He squeezed my nipples hard, and I moved my ass back against him. His left hand then reached down between my legs, and he groaned again.

“You’re so wet,” he muttered, his voice deep, and I trembled as he played with me. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to just experience the familiar and wonderful feelings that were flowing through me. “Are you sure you want to do this?” he whispered in my ear as he lifted one of my legs up. “Back your ass up a bit and move forward slightly,” he commanded without waiting for an answer.

I shifted slightly and felt him move his cock between my legs. He rubbed the tip up against me and I gasped.

“I’m sure. Please, Hudson. I want this. I need this.” I pushed back against him and he groaned.

“I don’t have a condom,” he muttered into my ear.

“I don’t mind,” I moaned, not caring and not thinking.

“I haven’t been with anyone,” he whispered. “Not since you.”

“Neither have I,” I whispered back, and I felt his body freeze.

“So I’m the only one you’ve ever been with.”

“Yes,” I whispered and shivered. I wanted to tell him that he was the only one I’d ever wanted to be with.

“Oh.” His fingers rubbed me gently, and I felt my body trembling as he teased me. “Is it horrible that I take such pleasure in knowing that?”

“No,” I mumbled, delighting in the feel of his fingers against me.

“I’ll pull out,” he grunted in my ear. “To be careful.”

“Okay.” I nodded, not caring, not thinking. He could have told me anything in that moment and I would have agreed. I could feel the tip of him rubbing against me and I just wanted him inside me.

“Are you okay with that?” His fingers increased their pace and slipped inside me. “It’s still a risk.”

“I don’t care,” I moaned. “Please, Hudson.”

“We shouldn’t do this,” he groaned as I had my first orgasm and my walls closed in on his fingers.

“Please, Hudson,” I moaned and reached behind me. “I want to.”

“I can’t say no to you.” He kissed my head and pushed me back. His cock entered me slowly, and I nearly cried out as he moved inside me. “You feel so good, even better than I remembered.” He grabbed my hips and moved slowly in and out of me. I moved my hips back and forth, trying to meet his thrusts as much as possible, and I could hear his heavy breathing behind me. “Oh, Riley,” he groaned into my ear as he played with my breasts. “Being in you feels like home.”

“Shh.” I trembled as he started moving faster. I grabbed his hand, moving it down between my legs, and I heard his chuckle as he started rubbing me as he slid in and out of me.

“You know what you like,” He grunted.

“Yes,” I groaned as I felt my orgasm building up. I was on the edge of coming when he stilled.

“I have to pull out now,” he muttered and slowed down.

I groaned and shook my head. “Please, not yet.”

“I can’t stop myself,” he groaned as I closed my legs and backed into him. “I’m going to come.”

“Please, not yet,” I moaned passionately. “I’m so close.”

“I’ll have to go slow.” His fingers started rubbing me quickly as his cock started moving slowly. His cock felt hard and deep in me, and I wiggled back against him and slowly moved my hips.

“No, Riley,” he whispered and grabbed my hips. “Please, stop for a second.”

“You guys okay?” Justin’s voice halted us both still and I froze as I saw him walking towards us.

“Yeah, why?” Hudson responded impatiently.

“Just heard you whispering. Thought you were arguing.” He looked down at us with squinty eyes. “Just wanted to make sure.”

“We’re fine,” Hudson grunted, and I tried not to laugh as I wiggled against him. His hand flew to my stomach to try and stop me from moving, but I couldn’t stop myself.

“Tomorrow should be fun, right?” Justin continued, and Hudson didn’t hold back his groan. “What did you say?” Justin asked.

“Nothing.” Hudson’s voice was hoarse, and I ground back into him. “Stop,” he hissed in my ear, but I couldn’t. I was too excited.

For some reason, I was feeling even hornier and turned on. I reached my hand between my legs and started playing with myself. Then I felt him sliding slowly in and out of me.

“You excited about the final fight?” Justin continued, and I nearly laughed.

“Yeah,” Hudson sighed, and I felt him increase his pace slightly.

“Okay, I guess you’re sleepy.” Justin sounded disappointed that Hudson hadn’t said more and walked away.

“Idiot,” Hudson whispered in my ear and I laughed. “You’re a bad girl, Riley.”

His fingers went to the front of me and he gasped as he realized I was pleasuring myself. His fingers met mine and I guided them along my sex. He started moving his cock in and out of me faster, and within a minute, I felt my muscles clenching down on him as I came.

“Oh shit.” Hudson grabbed my hips and slammed in and out of me, grunting into my shoulder as his body trembled. I felt his body still and he pulled out quickly. I felt his warm sperm on my legs and butt. “Shit,” he groaned as he lay back.

“What’s wrong?” I turned towards him and kissed him.

“I may have pulled out too late.” His eyes looked worried, and I stroked his face.

“It’ll be okay.”

“I’m sorry.” He shook his head. “I should have known better.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I don’t suppose you’re on the pill, are you?”

“I am.” I nodded and giggled at the look of confusion in his eyes. “My doctor prescribed it to help regulate my period.”

“Oh.” He sighed and then smiled. “You should have told me.”

“You never asked.” I smiled, and he growled.

“Come here.” He opened his arms and I snuggled into his chest. “You feel so soft and warm.”

“So do you.”

“I can’t believe we did this.” He shook his head and held me tight. “I didn’t deserve to get another night with you.”

“Maybe we’re just meant to be together.”

“I don’t deserve you.” He buried his face into my neck. “I don’t deserve to be happy.”

“Everyone deserves to be happy,” I said sleepily as I closed my eyes.

“Sinners don’t,” he whispered next to me as I fell asleep.

I heard someone’s phone ringing as I slept, but I was so exhausted and happy that I didn’t bother opening my eyes. I didn’t even stir when Hudson got out of the sleeping bag. I knew that he was just going to the bathroom or something. I lay on that sleeping bag content as could be, all worries gone from my mind. Everything is going to be okay, I thought to myself as I hugged my secret in. Everything is going to be okay.

It took me about thirty minutes to realize that I was wrong. My eyes popped open and I lay there feeling worried and alone. Hudson hadn’t come back from his bathroom trip. I looked to the side and realized that his bag was gone. He’d left me. He’d gone. Everything in my world was black again. Once again, I was the girl who had killed his girlfriend or was at least responsible for her death and I was never going to be able to stop paying for it.

Chapter 13

Hudson

Present Day

The bus stop was in a desolate location. A location that fit my mood. I stood there waiting with panic and anxiety running through my veins, though it was the guilt that pervaded me the most. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called the hospital.

“Mercy Hospital, how may I direct your call?”

“I’m calling to check on a patient,” I quickly said into the phone.

“Sir, we can’t give out privileged information over the phone.”

“Jamilah Brown is her name!” I shouted. “I need to know if she’s okay!”

“Sir, I’m afraid you will have to come into the hospital.”

“What do you think I’m trying to do?” I shouted and hung up the phone angrily. I felt sick to my stomach as I stood there. If Jamilah didn’t make it, I would never forgive myself.

I wondered what I should have done to prevent this. I’d told Jamilah not to swim in the pool by herself. She’d promised me that she wouldn’t do it. Should I have told her mom? I hadn’t wanted her to get banned from swimming altogether, and she had promised me. She’d promised me she wouldn’t go without me.

But you can’t be there all the time, Hudson.

I closed my eyes as I thought about her in the pool. She’d gotten a cramp, her mom had said when she’d called crying. She’d gone swimming late at night and gotten a cramp in her legs in the deep end. She’d swallowed a lot of water. She’d nearly drowned. My heart stopped for a moment. I didn’t know what that meant. I didn’t know if she was okay. If she died, I didn’t know what I would do.

It’s a sign, a voice whispered inside of me. It’s a sign that you shouldn’t be with Riley.

Every time I slept with her, something bad happened. I knew the universe was telling me that I didn’t deserve her. She was too pure and innocent for me. She was good, while I was bad. That didn’t mean I would stop loving her. It just meant I had to start resisting her.

Making love to her tonight had been like heaven on earth. It had felt even better than the first time. I’d felt like I’d gone home again. She’d fit against me so perfectly. For a few minutes, everything in my life had seemed like it was going to be okay. If I closed my eyes and stood perfectly still, I could still smell her. That smell of sex and sin mixed together made my blood boil over. I hadn’t known that one woman could affect me so deeply. I knew in my heart that there would never be anyone else for me. Riley was the one. She had always been the one. I felt tears rolling down my eyes as I realized I had to let her go.

The bus pulled up around twenty minutes later and I jumped on it, making my way to a window seat. I stared out the window and wondered what it was I had done wrong in life to put me in this position. Then I felt mad because I was feeling sorry for myself. I still had my life. I still had my family. I’d had a pretty charmed life growing up.

My thoughts turned to Jamilah and the life she had being a latchkey kid, having to look after her brother. I should have done more. I could have tried harder. I should have been there for her. My heart thudded as I thought about her eager face and smile. All she wanted was to make it to the Olympics. We’d all had dreams like that at one point in time. I just wished she hadn’t gone in that pool at night. If only I hadn’t gone on the camping trip, then I could have been at home and taken her to the pool myself. I could have taken care of her.

The bus ride seemed to take forever, but that’s how it always was when you needed to get somewhere important. The ride seemed slow or the traffic was always crazy. I ran from the bus stop to the hospital. I ran as fast as I could and I didn’t stop, even though it was about two miles away. I knew that I couldn’t be that close and wait for another bus.

I pulled out my phone and called Jamilah’s mom as I approached the hospital. The sun was starting to rise, and I knew that Riley and the guys would be wondering where I had gone. A flash of guilt flooded me when I realized that Riley would be left with those vultures, but I knew she could take care of herself. I was scared that she wouldn’t talk to me again. I felt that I’d committed the ultimate betrayal by sleeping with her and leaving her by herself.

“Hudson!” Jamilah’s mom cried into the phone.

“Where are you? I’m at the hospital.”

“We’re in the ER,” she cried, and I felt my heart pounding as I walked quickly to find her.

I navigated the corridors in a cloud of fear as déjà vu hit me. I hated hospitals. They made me think of death. The last time I’d been in a hospital had been when Clara died and I’d never wanted to come back to one.

“Hudson,” Marcus called out to me in a soft voice as I walked into the emergency room’s waiting area. He looked small and worried as he sat there next to his sobbing mother. Tears were furiously rolling down her face, and as she looked up at me with small red eyes, I felt my feet freeze.

“How is she?” I asked after a few seconds, all the blood having drained from my face as I looked into her bleak eyes.

“She nearly drowned.”

“Is she okay?” I held my breath, waiting for an answer, praying to God that she was okay.

“They said she’s going to be okay.”

I felt my heart start again. I walked over to her and put my arms around her, awkwardly trying to comfort her.

“I don’t know what I would have done!” she sobbed. “My baby. My little baby.” She cried into my shoulder, and I patted her back.

“When can we see her?”

“I don’t know.” She continued to cry, and I just held her. I rubbed her back and smiled at Marcus.

I didn’t want them to see my pain and worry. I wanted to be strong for them. I wanted them to know that they could count on me as a man. I hadn’t been there for Clara when she’d needed me. I hadn’t been there to help her. I hadn’t been there for her mother when she died. I hadn’t known what to say or what to do. How could I have faced her, knowing that I’d been with another woman the night she died? It seemed to me that no mother would want to hear that her daughter’s boyfriend was a dog. I didn’t think she wanted to hear that I’d been about to break up with her daughter either. She didn’t want to know that my dating Clara had been a mistake. That my heart had belonged to Riley since we were teenagers.

“I don’t know if I can take this again.” Jamilah’s mom jumped up. “How am I supposed to look after my kids and work? I can’t seem to do both. My poor babies. I just don’t know what to do.”

“It’ll be okay.”

“How?” She shook her head. “I can’t seem to find another job. I can’t keep leaving my babies at home while I go to work. I can’t afford to pay someone. And I don’t take help from the government. I’m not some welfare mother. I may be a single mother, but I’m working hard to take care of my kids.”

“There’s no shame in accepting help when you need it. That’s what it’s for.”

“I don’t want to be that woman,” she sobbed. “I just don’t know what to do anymore. I try so hard, but every day it’s something else. Every day someone is trying to bring me down.”

“It’ll get better.” I didn’t want to tell her about the million dollars. What if I didn’t win?

“I’m scared.” She sighed and rubbed her eyes. “How am I supposed to raise two strong, intelligent babies if I’m never there?”

There was silence in the room as we sat there, and I felt Marcus grab my hand. I looked down at him, and he looked scared. There was a look in his eyes that I shouldn’t have seen in a young boy.

“I’ll help you as much as I can.”

“You got your own life, boy.” She shook her head but gave me a quick smile. “Thank you for offering though.”

“I mean it.” I rubbed Marcus’s back to try and get him to relax, and I realized that my words meant nothing without actions. I could say anything I wanted. Words were meaningless.

“Hi, Mrs. Brown?” A doctor walked in with a clipboard and I stood up. “You can come in and see Jamilah now. She’s a very lucky girl.”

“Thank you, doctor,” she sobbed. “Thank you.”

* * *

I left the hospital feeling slightly happier. I’d gotten to see and talk to Jamilah, and I had felt life come back into my soul when her eyes lit up when she saw me. I had hugged her and held her tight to me. I pulled my phone out and dialed the number I had memorized by heart even though I hadn’t called it in years.

“Hello.” Her voice was soft and hurt, and I felt terrible.

“It’s me.”

“I know.”

“Are you mad at me?” I asked stupidly.

“Where are you?”

“I had to leave.”

“I see.”

“You don’t, but that’s okay. I’m not the guy for you, Riley. I’m not good enough for you. I’ll never be good enough for you. I’m sorry that I took advantage of you.”

“You did not take advantage of me.” She sounded angry.

“I was supposed to be your protector, Riley. Not your lover. You deserve a man who’s upright. I’m not that man.” My voice cracked as my heart broke. “I need to amend for my sins.”

“Clara’s death is not your fault.”

“I should have been with her that night. I shouldn’t have left her. I shouldn’t have been with you. What I did was wrong.”

“We were both wrong, Hudson.” Her voice cracked. “It’s not your fault. It’s mine.”

“No. No, it’s not. You were caught up in the moment.”

“I deleted the text message, Hudson. She sent you a text message to come and get her and I deleted it. You didn’t know. Don’t you see? It’s my fault. I’m the one who stopped you from going to get her. If it weren’t for me being jealous, you would have gone to get her. She’d still be alive.”

I stopped dead at her words. I felt sick to my stomach and my face paled.

“Hudson, please don’t hate me. I’m so sorry. You have to know that I never would have deleted the messages if I’d known. I just wanted to be with you. I didn’t want you to leave. I’m the bad one here, not you. Please don’t close down or blame yourself anymore. If you’d known, you would have gone for her. If you’d seen that text, she’d still be alive. I’m so sorry, Hudson.”

I hung up the phone and let it drop to the ground. I felt like I couldn’t breathe or see. Everything in me had frozen at Riley’s words. She still believed in me after all that. That was what made me feel worse. That she still had complete and utter faith in me after everything.

I collapsed to the ground and slammed my fist into the concrete, screaming and shouting. I sat there with my bloody fist in my hand and closed my eyes. This time, all I could see was Clara’s face as I tucked her into bed that last night with a flask of whiskey. “Sweet dreams,” I had whispered in her ear, my mind only thinking about Riley and the night ahead. “I’ll see you in the morning.” I smiled at her as she gazed up at me with hurt eyes.

She’d known, like I had, that it was over between us. She’d known I’d been distant. I thought she’d known how I’d felt about Riley. The one thing neither of us knew was that that would be the last time we’d ever see each other.

I jumped up off the ground, grabbed my bag, and started walking. Riley was wrong. I was responsible for Clara’s death, and if Riley knew everything, I knew she’d never believe in me again. And that was the most troubling thing to me out of everything. I couldn’t stand for Riley to know who I really was. Because if she knew, she would hate me forever. Just like I hated myself.

Chapter 14

Riley

Present Day

It had been two weeks since I’d seen Hudson. He hadn’t been at the gym on the days I’d gone and I had been too numb to care. I didn’t blame him for hating me. What I’d done was wrong and I wasn’t sure if I would have been able to forgive myself either. That didn’t stop it from hurting inside, of course. The pain was raw and deep. I felt like I had been ripped open and my guts were hanging out for all the world to see. To have come so close to happiness again and lose it was devastating.

Being with Hudson the second time had confirmed to me what I’d already known. He held my heart. He held it in his hands and he had crushed it when he’d hung up on me after I’d told him about the text message. I knew what I had done was wrong, but I hadn’t expected him to be so done with me.

Part of me wondered if maybe he had lied that night. Maybe he really hadn’t wanted to break up with Clara. Maybe he had loved her. Maybe I was just a dalliance. An easy piece of meat. He had been a young college boy and I had basically offered myself up on a platter. “Make love to me. Take my virginity.” What man was going to say no that? I was ashamed of myself for having been so easy and then letting him sleep with me again.

I closed my eyes as I sat in the car, too nervous to head into the gym. Today was the day of the final match between Hudson and Channing. Whoever won would represent the club at the championships. Eden and I had talked about it and we both hoped that Channing would be the one to represent the club. I’d done some research and found out that there had been two people who had died at the previous year’s event. Justin had told me that some of the fighters thought they were a part of the Hunger Games and did anything to win, even if it meant someone dying.

I was scared for Hudson and I didn’t want him to win. A part of me wanted to beg him to withdraw, but I knew he wouldn’t listen to me. He was entering the championship to give money to Clara’s mom. There was no way he was going to let me talk him out of that.

I jumped out of my car, ready to walk into the gym, when I felt someone tap me on the shoulder.

I turned around and my eyes widened in surprise. “Luke? What are you doing here?”

“Came to see my friend kick some ass,” he laughed, but his eyes looked worried.

“I wish you wouldn’t have told him to do this.” I sighed and shook my head.

“Hey, he’s going to make a million dollars.”

“If he wins.” I glared at him.

“Well, nice to see you too, Riley.”

“It is good to see you.” I gave him a quick hug. “I’m just worried. People die, you know.”

“Hudson knows how to take care of himself.” Luke turned away from me. “He’ll be fine.”

“I hope so.”

“Been skinny dipping lately?” He raised an eyebrow, and I frowned at him.

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing. I was just remembering how much you liked to go skinny dipping those summers in Florida.”

“I don’t think so.” My heart raced as I stared at him. “The only summer I went skinny dipping was the last time I went to Florida and you weren’t there.”

“Uh huh.”

“How did you know I went?”

“I just guessed.”

“Did Hudson tell you?” I frowned, and he shook his head.

“No, Hudson didn’t tell me anything.”

“I see.” I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed. “Why didn’t you come that summer anyways?”

“I had an internship, but I did make it down for a few days.” His face turned red and he pulled out his phone. “Hold on. I think Hudson is calling me.”

“I didn’t know you came down.” I frowned, trying to remember. “You didn’t stay at the cottage.”

“No, I didn’t.” He put his phone back in his pocket. “Hudson wants to see me.”

“Really?” I frowned.

“Yeah.” He quickly walked ahead of me.

“Luke,” I called after him. “Why do you care so much about Hudson entering the fight?”

“Well, I know he wants to give some of the money to Clara’s mom.” He shrugged. “It would help her out a lot.”

“What do you care?”

“Clara really loved her mom. Everything she did was for her.” His tone changed. “She’s the only girl I know who really cared about someone more than herself.”

“I didn’t realize you knew her that well.”

“We went to college together,” he snapped. “She dated my best friend. We were friends.”

“Okay.” I put a hand up. “No need to bite my head off.”

“Stop questioning me.”

“I wasn’t questioning you. What’s your problem?”

“Sorry. I’m just stressed.” He sighed. “I’m concerned about Hudson as well.”

“Right. You’re scared he’s going to get hurt?”

“No, I’m scared he’s not going to win. He needs to win that money.” His voice rose. “You need to make sure he wins.”

“What?”

“Nothing.” He shook his head, and I could see a dazed look in his eyes. “Sorry. Nothing.”

“You okay, Luke?” I frowned as I stared at him. He looked like he was wired.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He nodded. “Sorry, okay?” He rushed into the gym ahead of me and I wondered what his problem was.

Something about his demeanor had seemed off. A part of me wondered if he was going to try and take the money from Hudson if he won. I knew that Luke didn’t have a job, and now I wondered if he had gotten himself into some sort of gambling debt or something. Something seemed really odd about how anxious he was for Hudson to win. I didn’t buy that he was worried about Clara’s mom. What did he care if Clara’s mom was kicked out or not? It just seemed fishy to me.

I froze in the middle of the gym as I realized that all of the equipment had been moved to the side and that there were gym mats on the ground. They had been roped off like a boxing ring and there were first aid kits sitting at the side of the mats.

Justin walked up to me with a smile. “Hey, you.”

“Hey, Justin.”

“You excited?”

“Not really,” I shook my head. “More like worried.”

“Yeah, me too,” he whispered, and I gave him a sharp look.

“Why are you worried?”

“Channing is not going to go down without a very dirty fight.” He looked around and continued talking. “He’s was already pissed that Hudson might take away his opportunity and now he’s angry that Hudson took his girl as well.”

“What girl?” My heart flipped as I thought about Hudson with someone else.

Justin gave me a look. “You, of course.”

“Me?” I frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“Channing thinks you’re cute.” Justin shrugged. “He was hoping you guys would hook up on the camping trip. That’s why he put his bag next to you. But then your bag went missing and...you know.”

“No, I don’t know.”

“Well, I know you guys tried to be quiet, but you know...” Justin’s eyes looked embarrassed.

“Oh, my God.” I flushed red as I realized what he was saying.

“You were the only girl.” He made a face. “Channing felt like Hudson stole you.”

“Hudson and I have history.” I blushed.

“Yeah, and he left you by yourself.” Justin shrugged. “He doesn’t seem like a great guy to me, but I don’t know him well. I’m just saying that I think Channing is out for blood tonight.”

“Channing and I never had anything though.”

“Do you think that matters to guys? In Channing’s mind, you were his. Or at least you were going to be his. It was a done deal. I don’t know if he really liked you or if he sensed you and Hudson had a connection, but Channing is out for the kill.”

“He wouldn’t hurt Hudson though, would he?”

“Are you joking?” Justin’s laugh sounded tormented. “He’s out to hurt him. I think tonight is going to be the fight of the century.”

“They can’t do that.” My face paled. “It’s illegal to harm someone else.”

“This is the world of underground fighting, Riley. Don’t you understand that yet? There are no rules or cares. Everyone has their eye on the prize.”

“But all you guys are so nice.”

“There’s a reason why the two who are fighting the championship are Hudson and Channing. Neither one of them gives two shits about anyone else.”

“That’s not true.” I shook my head. “Hudson’s a good guy.”

“I don’t know why you’re defending him. It seems to me he fucked you and left.” Justin’s eyes looked at me in apology. “I’m not trying to be rude.”

“I know.” I bit my lip and looked down. My mind was filled with a million different thoughts, and I didn’t know if I would be able to watch the fight without throwing up. “Excuse me.” I gave Justin a short smile. “I’ll be back.”

“Okay.” He sat down in one of the plastic chairs and I quickly walked away from him.

I made my way to the locker room, trying to ensure that no one was looking at me. I pushed the door open and walked in quickly. I saw Channing and his group of friends in the far right corner and I moved swiftly to make sure he didn’t see me. I walked to the other side of the locker room and that was when I saw Hudson and Luke standing there.

“You’re doing a good thing, bro.” Luke was grinning at Hudson and egging him on. I paused and decided to watch them for a few minutes before I spoke. I thought it was odd that Luke looked so cheerful now. “Maybe when you win the money, you can dedicate the win to Clara.”

“I don’t think that’s appropriate.” Hudson shook his head.

My breath caught as I stared at him in his black boxer shorts. His tattoos seemed to glow as he stood there, and I wondered at how I had ever thought they were gross. They looked magnificent. He looked magnificent. So powerful and so strong. I swallowed as I stared at his chest and biceps. He looked fitter than I’d ever remembered him being. I wanted to walk over and touch his chest. I wanted to feel his hard body against mine. I wanted his lips to crush down on mine. I wanted him to tell me that everything was going to be okay. I wanted him to tell me that he forgave me.

“You know, Clara knew about you and Riley.” Luke’s voice changed and my breath caught as he spoke.

“What are you talking about?” Hudson’s voice was angry.

“She knew that you had a thing for her. We all knew.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You think she didn’t realize you were being cold to her that summer? Do you think she didn’t see how you used to watch Riley? Do you think she couldn’t tell that you were distant with her?”

“How would you know that, Luke?”

“She...she called me.” I watched as Luke’s face went white. “We were friends.”

“I don’t really remember you guys being friends.” Hudson frowned. “I don’t really remember you talking much at all.”

“Well, I’m just saying you need to win this.” Luke sat on the bench.

“That’s what I’m trying to do.”

“Just think how many girls you’ll get if you win.”

“I’m not doing it for girls.”

“But it’s a great side benefit, right? A bunch of hotties bending over for you?”

“Luke, I think you better leave.” Hudson turned away from him and I could see that he was angry.

“Okay, well, good luck.”

“Thanks.”

I watched as Luke walked away from Hudson before approaching him. My heart was beating fast and I could feel the nerves jumping in my stomach.

“Hey, Hudson,” I said lightly and watched as he turned around to face me.

“You shouldn’t be here.” His eyes lit up as he dismissed me. His eyes were what gave me hope and a little bit more nerve.

“I had to come and see you before the fight.”

“What did you want?”

“You don’t have to be mean.”

“What do you want, Riley?” He sighed and looked into my eyes. “I thought I made it clear that I didn’t want to talk to you.”

“I wanted to wish you luck. I wanted to make sure you were okay.” I looked down at the floor, feeling incredibly hurt.

“Thanks for the good luck.” His voice was hoarse.

“Do you think you’ll ever stop hating me?” I asked softly and looked up at him again. His expression changed and I could see a flow of different emotions cross his face.

“I don’t hate you, Riley. I could never hate you.”

“I know what I did was wrong.” My voice caught and I stopped talking.

Hudson stood up and slowly walked towards me. His hands made their way to my face and he tilted my chin up to look at him.

“Listen to me, Riley. You did nothing wrong. You are a beautiful, wonderful human being.” His eyes blazed into mine. “Never ever forget that.”

“Why did you leave me at the campsite?” I asked him, trying not to cry.

“I left because someone I know was in an accident.”

“Oh, no,” I gasped.

“She’s okay now.”

“You haven’t called me.”

“I have nothing to say.”

“Because you hate me!”

“Riley,” he growled and pulled me towards him. “If you only knew how false that statement is, you’d never say it or think it again. If you only knew how much I cared for you.”

I looked up at him with wide eyes. “How much?”

“This much.” His lips found mine, and I grabbed the back of his head as we kissed passionately.

I ran my fingers down his back and slipped my tongue into his mouth while biting down on his lower lip. He pushed me back into the lockers and lifted me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist, and he groaned as his hardness came crashing into me. He eyes stared into mine with a dark gleam, and he leaned back a little bit and groaned. His mouth fell to mine again, and his hands gently held my ass. His fingers squeezed my butt cheeks, and I ran my hands through his hair. Our kiss deepened and I felt as if I were somehow flying through the air on wings of a dove. My whole body felt weightless, and I kissed him hungrily, wishing that all my other worries and problems would disappear.

“Now do you understand how much I don’t hate you?” Hudson let me down onto my own two feet and gave me a sweet smile.

“I guess you don’t hate me?” I asked breathlessly, still holding on to him.

“I love you, Riley,” he whispered against my lips. “I love you.”

“But you hung up on me.” My heart raced as he spoke. I wasn’t sure if I was living in some sort of daydream. He loved me? Could this possibly be true?

“Because you have more faith in me than you should.”

I frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“Now’s not the time.” He shook his head and took a step back. “I don’t want to see your face before the fight. I don’t want you to hate me before the fight. I want you to still respect me, even if it’s because you don’t know the truth.”

“What are you talking about, Hudson? What truth?” I grabbed his arms. “Please tell me.”

“Do you love me, Riley?” he whispered, his eyes hopeful.

“I love you so much, Hudson.”

“Good. That’s what I want to go into the fight knowing.” He gave me a smile. “I want to know I have someone to fight for. I want to know that you’re rooting for me with all your heart.”

“Why?”

“Why?” He looked sad. “Because you’re the only one who’s always believed in me and loved me. And if I lost that before the fight, I don’t know that I could win.”

“I don’t have a good feeling about the fight.” I gripped his arms. “Please don’t enter.”

“I have to.” His fingers wiped the tears on my face away. “I have to do this for Clara’s mom.”

“But I already told you it’s my fault. It’s not your fault.” My voice cracked.

“It’s all my fault.” His eyes looked so bleak that my heart cracked.

“No, it’s not. If you knew about the text, you would have gone for her. She’d still be here.”

“Shh, my darling.” He softly kissed my lips again. “Thank you for being strong enough to always come back to me, no matter what I say or do.”

“I’ll always be here for you. I’ll always come back to you, Hudson. You’re my candle and I’m your moth.”

“You’re my heart, and I’m yours to do with what you want.” Hudson grinned at me. “Oh how I love you, Riley.” He kissed me again, hard and deep. “I want to freeze time. I want us to remain here in this moment, only knowing what we know now. I want this to be it. I could live the rest of my life just staring at the love in your eyes.”

“I feel like you’re saying goodbye to me,” I said sadly, gazing back into his loving eyes. “Why do I feel like this is the end instead of the beginning?”

“Once you know who I am, what I’m capable of, I don’t think you’ll want to be with me.” He looked away from me. “I’m not the stand-up man you think I am.”

“Hudson, there is nothing you could—”

“Ooh, what do we have here?” Channing’s voice interrupted our conversation, and we both sprung apart as he walked towards us. “Is it my fellow fighter and his little slut?”

I gasped at his words and saw Hudson’s face go red, but neither of us responded.

“Do you need a few minutes?” Channing continued and looked at his watch. “I guess you still have some time to pull your shorts down so she can have a quick suck on your cock.”

“Shut it.” Hudson took a step forward and I grabbed his arm.

“Just ignore him,” I muttered, glaring at Channing’s smirk.

“Or would you rather like a suck on mine?” He laughed and grabbed his cock. “I’m sure you’d like to be with a man who could fuck you long and hard and not run off in the morning.”

“I’m warning you,” Hudson growled and took another step forward.

“You’re warning me?” Channing laughed again and his eyes narrowed. “What are you going to do? Hit me?” He beat his fists against his chest. “Are you going to try and fight me? Over this little whore?”

“I told you to shut the fuck up.” Hudson moved swiftly and pushed Channing back into the lockers. “I don’t care what beef you have with me, but I’ll fuck you up if you talk about Riley like that.”

“Didn’t she tell you that when you left I slipped into the sleeping bag and fucked her?” Channing licked his lips. “The only reason she knew it was me was because I lasted so much longer than you. Did she tell you that?”

My heart stopped as I watched Hudson slam his right fist into Channing’s eye. Channing didn’t make a sound, but I could see the look in his eyes turning into pure hate and evil.

“Put him down, Hudson.” I ran up to him. “Please.”

“Listen to your girl, Hudson,” Channing said in a sing-song voice. “Or she’s going to have to charge you extra tonight.”

Hudson’s breathing was heavy, and I was scared he was going to hit him again.

“He’s not worth it,” I whispered. “Wait until the fight.” I touched his arm and prayed to God that he didn’t do anything else. I sighed in relief as he released his grip on Channing and stepped back.

“Get the fuck out of here, Channing.”

“Yes, Batman.” Channing stared at us and laughed. Then he looked me up and down. “I’m glad you chose this loser. I was never that into big-thighed sluts,” he sneered at me and then turned away.

I watched as he walked out of the gym and then looked up at Hudson.

“You okay?” His eyes were full of concern for me, and my heart melted once again at how wonderful he was.

“I’m fine.” I nodded and stepped forward to hug him. “He’s a pompous ass.”

“I’ll enjoy beating the shit out of him.”

“Don’t hurt him.” I touched his face. “Please don’t do anything too bad.”

His eyes widened. “You want me to go soft on him?”

“No, but I don’t want you to break anything.” I bit my lower lip. “Don’t stoop to his level.”

“You have so much faith in me.” He shook his head. “I don’t know why you think I can stop myself from beating the shit out of him.”

“Because I know you. I know you and I love you.” I leaned up and kissed him. “Just remember that when you’re in the ring.”

“I’ll try.” He nodded and paused. “You’re making this so hard.”

“What am I making hard?” I frowned.

“You’re making me want to believe.” He closed his eyes. “You’re giving me hope.”

“I love you, Hudson,” I whispered in his ear. “That’s never going to change.”

“God forgive me, but I don’t know if I can give you up.” He grabbed my hands. “I’ve done bad, Riley. I know I’ve done bad and I know you’re going to hate me when I tell you, but I swear to God, I’m going to fight for you. I can’t let you go. I can’t let this go.”

“You don’t have to,” I whispered against his lips. “Now go out there and win that fight.”

We held each other for a few minutes before Hudson kissed my forehead and walked out of the locker room. I let him go ahead of me and sat down on the bench. I touched my lips and rubbed them softly. I felt warm and fuzzy inside. It seemed to me that everything was finally going to work out. He didn’t hate me for what I’d done. In fact, he loved me. He really loved me. I hugged myself as I sat there grinning. Finally, everything was working out. Finally, Hudson and I were going to get to be together.

* * *

I waited in the locker room for about five minutes before going back out. I was shocked by the crowds of people I saw in the gym. It was loud and packed, and there was a buzz in the air that I had never felt before.

I reached into my bag, grabbed my phone, and started taking some photos. They would be awesome to include in my article. I realized then that I should start taking some notes. This was the biggest fight Nick’s gym was going to see; in fact, it was the first real fight I was going to see. I was scared at what I was about to witness. I half-smiled to myself as I realized I should get used to it. If Hudson won and entered the championships, then there was going to be a whole lot more fighting for me to witness.

“I’ve got fifty on Channing.” A tall guy passed some money to a skinny guy with spiky blond hair.

“I’ve got two hundred.” Another guy gave the blond guy money and grinned. “He’s going to beat the shit out of that punk ass.”

“What’s his name again?” the tall guy asked and laughed.

“Rudson or something,” the other guy replied. “Or maybe it was Robin or something.”

“It’s Hudson.” I walked up to them. “The other guy’s name is Hudson, but he also goes by Batman.”

“Okay, okay.” The tall guy gave me a surprised look. “Don’t get it twisted.”

“What?”

“Don’t get it twisted.”

“Don’t get what twisted?” I rolled my eyes at him and turned away. “Dumbass,” I mumbled under my breath. I was pretty sure he had used the slang phrase incorrectly.

“Riley, come over here!” Justin shouted and waved at me.

I pushed my way over to the seat he was saving for me and gave him a look of thanks. “It’s really busy in here.” I looked around.

“Yeah,” Justin nodded. “Nick’s pissed. No one else was supposed to be here, but Channing created an event on Facebook.”

I frowned. “Why would he do that?”

“He thinks he’s going to win.”

“He doesn’t have a shot, does he?”

“If he plays dirty.” Justin shrugged. “Who knows?”

“You really think he’s going to fight dirty, don’t you?”

“I don’t know.” Justin’s face was grim. “I really don’t know.”

“He’s going to try and hurt him, isn’t he?” I stared at him and felt my body going cold. “I know you said that earlier, but I thought it was just conjecture. But you weren’t just saying that, were you? You think he’s going to really try and hurt him.”

“I don’t know what he’s capable of, but yes, I think he has a few tricks up his sleeve.”

“I need to talk to Hudson.” I jumped up, feeling panicked.

What if he didn’t fight back because I had told him to fight clean? What if he just took it because he was worried what I would think? I had to let him know to fight as dirty as he had to.

“You can’t go to the mat.” Justin grabbed me. “You’ll get him disqualified.”

“But I need to talk to him.” I shook my head as my whole body convulsed.

“You can’t go to the mat.” His fingers tightened their grip on my arms. “If you do, he’s out. It’ll be okay, Riley. Hudson knows what he is doing.”

“I hope so.”

I sat back down and watched as an older-looking man stepped onto the mat. He looked at Hudson and Channing and said something I couldn’t hear. Then the fight began. The room became quiet. I was shocked by the silence. I had always assumed that fights were noisy events.

“Why is it so quiet?” I whispered to Justin.

“People want to hear every break and crunch.”

“What?”

“They want to hear the bones break.” He offered me a gentle smile. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” I swallowed hard. “It just seems so weird that people would want to see other people get hurt.”

“That’s humankind for you.” He shrugged and then gave me a once-over. “Are you sure you want to be here? It could get pretty bad. I’m sure there will be a lot of blood.”

“I want to see.” I nodded. “I have to see. I’m writing an article.”

“Yeah.” He looked at my pad and paper. “I forgot about that.”

We turned back to the fight and I tried not to squirm in my seat as Hudson and Channing faced off. So far neither one of them had made the first move, and the tension was high in the air. We were all waiting to see what happened.

I sat there with my hand over my mouth. I wanted to scream, but nothing had happened yet. I was scared for Hudson. I was scared for myself. A horrible feeling was building up in my stomach and there was a ringing in my ears. My entire body was still in tension.

And then it happened. It seemed like everything was occurring in slow motion. I watched Channing’s right hook connect with Hudson’s jaw. The crack was heard throughout the room, and I heard everyone gasp. Hudson tried to hit Channing back, but Channing blocked him easily. I watched as Channing hit him again and blood squirted out of Hudson’s nose. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see him getting hit.

“Oh fuck.” Justin’s exclamation made me open my eyes again. I watched as Channing held Hudson in a choke hold, squeezing down on Hudson’s neck.

“Stop.” I screamed. “You can’t do that.” I cried out, but no one paid any attention to me. Channing punched Hudson in the face again and then went crashing down to the floor. He jumped up, kicking Hudson in the ribs, and then fell on top of him. The whole room went silent as we heard a loud crack.

“He’s not moving!” someone screamed, and I watched as Channing stood up, staring at the ground in shock.

“He’s gone and broken his neck!” someone else shouted.

Suddenly there was commotion in the room as everyone struggled to look at Hudson’s unmoving body on the mats.

“He’s killed him.” Justin’s eyes were wide with shock as he stared at me. I could hear in his tone that he was about to break down.

I stared at him and then looked at Hudson again. I started to feel like the world was spinning and I couldn’t catch my breath. I watched as a guy jumped on the mats.

“I’m an EMT!” he shouted and kneeled down next to Hudson. “He’s not breathing!” he shouted out. “Someone call 911!”

I stared at Justin in shock, and then I fainted.

Chapter 15

Hudson

Present Day

“Welcome,” a sweet soft voice whispered to me.

I couldn’t see her face or locate her in the darkness, but I was grateful for the sound. I was happy that I was surrounded by angels. I hadn’t been sure what was going to greet me when I crossed over.

They say that when you die, all your memories flash before your eyes. You see your life in a dream sequence so you can remember the people you’ve lost and the people you’ve loved. All I could think about was Riley. In the darkness, it was her face that kept me warm. I died happy—well, as happy as I could be. I died with the knowledge that Riley loved me. I wasn’t mad that I died right when all my dreams were about to come true. It was karma or kismet, as some people would say. One death begets a death. It was my fault that Clara was dead, and now I was dead. It was how it should be.

I remembered what my pastor had said in church once. He’d said that when a person died, the breath of life departs from the body and the soul no longer existed. He said that death was like a long, deep slumber. And that we’d have to wait until Jesus came back and then the good would go to heaven and the bad would go to hell. His words had scared me to death.

Could you imagine just waiting to be awoken, not knowing if you were going to an eternal lifetime of love and hope or if you were going to be burning in the pits of hell? Now that I was dead, it didn’t seem so bad.

I was alone with my thoughts and my memories. And all I could think about was Riley—her beautiful brown eyes, her long silky hair, the way she smiled at me when she saw me, the way she touched me so softly, the way she moaned when I kissed her. I could remember every last moment I’d spent with her. I couldn’t stop the guilt though. It stayed with me, even in death. And a part of me felt uneasy.

A part of me wondered if she would have still loved me if she’d known the truth. I thought back to that last night in Englewood. Clara had started drinking at lunchtime. She’d been texting back and forth with someone fervently, and all I could think about was how sad I’d been at not knowing when I’d see Riley again. We’d argued a little bit. Clara had told me that she could cheat on me just as much as I could cheat on her. I’d ignored her talk since it was the alcohol talking.

I hadn’t cheated on her physically, though mentally she was far from my mind. She’d gotten drunker at dinner, telling me I wasn’t really a man. That even Luke thought she could find someone better. I’d rolled my eyes and thought about how I could get Riley alone.

When she had gone to lie done, I’d felt exhilarated. I tucked her in with the flask and I knew it was over. She knew as well. And I didn’t feel guilty because she had been too busy texting back and forth. I didn’t know who she’d been talking to, but whoever it was seemed to make her happy because she laughed every time she got a new text.

I went to the beach with Riley, feeling like I was on top of the world. Everything was going right. And when we made love, I felt my heart overflowing with happiness and joy. But then my phone had started beeping. I pretended to ignore it, but I knew that it was bothering Riley as well. I watched her checking the phone but pretended to kiss her shoulder. I watched her as she read the messages and then deleted them. I saw the messages from Clara asking me to come and get her, but I ignored them.

In fact, seeing Riley delete the messages had made me happy. I was sick in the head, but they made me feel like she really loved me. I’d thought to myself, How cute. She’s jealous so she’s deleting the messages. I didn’t even consider going to pick Clara up.

And then we made it home and the police told us that Clara had been in a car accident. Clara had died and it was all my fault. I’d betrayed her and let her down in all the worst ways. Yet, Riley still had faith and love for me. She thought that I was still a stand-up guy.

Her words kept playing in my head. “If you knew she needed you...” and “If you’d seen the messages, you would have gone.” How could I have told her that I had seen the messages and I had known that Clara had needed me? How could I have broken her heart and my own in the process?

I’d thought I'd have more regrets when I died, but I didn’t. I thought it's because I’d died an honorable death. I hadn’t fought back. I didn't go dirty when I realized that Channing was going to go dirty. To be fair, I'd known before the fight had started that he was going to fight dirty. I’d thought he was going to knife me up, so I’d brought a small pocket knife with me as well. However, my plans had changed when Riley asked me to fight clean. I’d known in that moment that I would do what she’d asked. I’d wanted her to know that at least once I'd tried to think of someone else before myself.

I'd seen the look of surprise in Channing's eyes as he hit me, and I’d kneed him in the groin. “Pussy,” he had whispered in my ear as he'd choked me. “You're going to lose for some pussy.” His voice had been full of venom and I'd felt sorry for him. If that was all he saw when he looked at Riley, then he must have had a very sorry life. How anyone could look at her and not be taken by her beauty and kind smile was beyond me. Only someone very jaded could see Riley and only think of pussy.

Though, I'd be lying if I said that one of my regrets was not getting to spend more time with her in bed. It was as if our bodies had been made for each other. My favorite memories were of us kissing and making love. If I thought about it hard enough, I could almost experience the same thoughts and feelings I’d felt when I entered her. All I had to do was think very hard.

I didn’t think the angel was happy at my naughty thoughts because she kept punching me and saying my name. “Hudson,” she whispered. “Hudson.” Her voice distracted me and made me tired. It was as if she were lulling me to sleep. If I ever had kids, I would have recorded her singing nursery rhymes. She had the sort of voice that comforted you and made you feel safe.

I’d lied earlier. There was one thing I regretted about being dead. I regretted not knowing if I’d gotten Riley pregnant that night we went camping. She'd said afterwards that she was on the pill, but I knew that the pill wasn't one hundred percent fail proof. Part of me wanted her to be carrying my child so she’d always have a piece of me in her life, but the other part of me knew how selfish that was.

That’s when the sadness hit me. I was never going to see her again. Rage filled me as I realized what they really meant. All of a sudden, the memories didn’t seem like enough. How could they ever be enough? Memories didn’t replace my getting to touch her and hold her. Kisses in the mind weren’t as good as kisses on the lips.

I didn’t want to be dead. The poetic justice I’d believed had been served was unfair. I didn’t want to be in deep slumber. I wanted to be alive. I wanted to live my life. I wanted to own up to Riley about everything. I wanted to protect her.

It’s funny how you take things for granted when you’re on the earth. I’d given up hope. I hadn’t fought for her or for us. She was the one who had really tried to make things right between us. I was ashamed of myself for accepting death so easily. It didn’t feel so peaceful now. It felt tiring and upsetting.

The memories were no longer comforts, but taunts of what my life could have been. All I could think about was Riley and me on a beach. Riley was wearing a long, flowing white dress. It only took me a few moments to realize it was a wedding dress. There was a flower in her hair, and she was beaming at me, waiting. I realized that I was watching her walking down the aisle. I was getting married. My heart jumped for joy as I realized she was going to become my wife.

I wanted to savor the moment, but it faded quickly. Then I was in a room and there was a baby crying. My head was aching and I was annoyed. Why wouldn’t the baby stop crying? I found myself getting out of bed and walking through the hallways in an unfamiliar house. There were photos on the wall, and I gasped as I realized that they were of me and Riley and a bunch of kids.

I followed the sound of the baby crying and opened the door. Riley was sitting in a chair, and she was nursing. She looked up at me and smiled, and I was caught up in the beauty of the moment. I hadn’t expected to feel such a rush of love. I stood there, captivated by the scene in front of me, and then I started shivering.

Death felt colder than I thought it would. Colder and softer. My mind felt foggy as I realized that it was something pressing down on my body that was making me feel cold. That’s strange, I thought, I didn’t know I’d be able to feel my body. I’d just assumed that once I died I would just have my brain, my thoughts, and my soul. I guessed I’d never really thought about my physical body.

“Mr. and Mrs. Blake, I’m going to let you stay here with him for a few more minutes. He’s still unconscious and I don’t think he’ll come out of it tonight,” the lady with the sweet voice said to me. She sounded like she was shouting though. She was shouting and turning on a light.

I groaned as the darkness was lifted from me for a few seconds. For a moment, I almost thought I saw my parents, but then the light was gone and I was left with my dreams of Riley once more.

Chapter 16

Riley

Present Day

I woke up in my bed feeling groggy. I stretched and winced as pain filled my head.

“Morning.” Eden’s voice was soft, and I looked around the room to see where she was.

“Morning,” I whispered back at her. “Why are you in my room?”

“I wanted to make sure you were okay.” She stood up and walked over to me.

“I’m fine.” I rubbed my temple, and then it all came crashing down on me. “Hudson. How is Hudson?”

“We don’t know.” Eden’s voice broke, and I could see that her eyes were filled with tears.

“He’s still alive?” I asked hopefully.

“He’s unconscious. We don’t know what damage he might have right now,” she sobbed. “My parents and I were with him last night.”

“How did I get here?”

“Luke brought you with some guy named Justin.”

“Oh.” I bit my lip. “I want to go and see Hudson.”

“You should rest. You fainted. Hit your head pretty hard.”

“I’m fine. I need to see him.”

“Do you love him, Riley?” Eden sat on the bed and looked at me with wounded eyes.

“What do you mean?” I bit my lower lip and felt my face flushing. “Of course I love him. Just like you do.”

“No.” Her voice was louder. “I mean, do you love him?”

“Why are you asking me this?”

“Have you kissed him?” Eden sounded angry. “Have you kissed my brother?”

“I don’t understand.”

“Why are you lying to me?”

“How did you know?” I grabbed her hand and sighed. “It’s not that I wanted to keep this a secret from you. It’s just that we never really had anything substantial to talk about.”

“So you guys hooked up that summer?” Eden was crying. “That last summer?”

“Yes,” I nodded. “I lost my virginity to him that summer.”

“What?” she screamed.

“Oh.” I made a face. “You didn’t know?”

“Luke didn’t tell me all that. He just said that you guys had made out and Clara knew and it made her really upset and he had to comfort her.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” I sighed. “There were so many times I wanted to, but I didn’t know how.”

“That’s okay.” She sighed and then giggled. “Maybe it’s for the best. I would have wanted all the details, but it would have been too weird knowing it was my brother you were talking about.”

“I love him, you know.” I attempted to get out of bed. “I thought he died last night. I thought Channing broke his neck.”

“He tried.” Eden held out her hand and I grabbed ahold of it. “That guy is one sick motherfucker. Justin told me everything that happened. Everyone says that Hudson is lucky to be alive.”

“He’s going to be okay?” I felt tears running down my face.

“I don’t know what may be broken.” Eden’s face looked tired. “I didn’t stay long since I wanted to come back home and look after you.”

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“Of course I did. You’re my best friend, my sister. I couldn’t leave you alone for long. I had to make sure you were okay as well.”

“I love you.” I gave her a quick hug and she smiled.

“You’re lucky you’re not one hundred percent better yet or I would be slapping you for keeping such a big secret from me.”

“I promise you can slap me when the headache is gone.”

“Deal.” She laughed, and we walked to the living room. “Ready to go to the hospital? I can drive.”

“I’m still in my pajamas.” I looked down at myself and laughed. “But you know what, who cares. Let’s go.”

We drove to the hospital in silence. Both of us were too caught up in our thoughts to say anything else to each other. The humor of the morning was gone as we both realized the gravity of the situation. I was happy that Hudson was alive, but he was still unconscious and we didn’t know what damage he may have. Of course my mind instantly went to the worst options possible. What if he was brain-dead or paralyzed? What if he never woke up? I wasn’t even sure medically what unconscious meant? Did that mean he was in a coma? I didn’t bother asking Eden because I knew she wouldn’t have a clue either.

I sat back in the seat and cried silently. Once again this was all my fault. It seemed to be that I kept making decisions that were costing people their lives. I didn’t really understand why this had happened to me or to him. Though, I knew it wasn’t for me to understand. All I could do was pray and hope that he was going to be okay. I knew I wouldn’t leave him though. No matter what happened, I would still be there for him. I’d become his caregiver if I had to. Whatever he needed, I would give him. I still loved him more than life itself. I just hoped that the life he still had to live was one he would be happy with.

Eden pulled up at the front of the hospital and stopped. “You get out. I’m going to park the car.”

“Don’t you want to come in with me?” I frowned as I unbuckled my seatbelt.

“I’ll come in a bit.” She shook her head. “I’m sure you want some alone time with him.”

“Will they let me see him?” I gave her a look of thanks. “I’m not technically his family.”

“I put you down as his sister.” She grinned at me. “So yes, you can see him. Just don’t go kissing him or anything. I don’t want them thinking we’re some sort of weird family.”

I laughed then and smiled. “Thank you, Eden.”

“No worries.” She gave me a wide smile. “Now go and talk to my brother. If anyone can make him wake up, it’ll be you.”

I closed the door and walked into the hospital. It was clean, white, and clinical. I found the front desk and quickly walked up to one of the nurses.

“Excuse me. I’m looking for Hudson Blake, my brother.” I cringed inside as I said brother. It felt icky even thinking it.

“Hold on.” She held up a hand and typed into the computer in front of her. “Take the elevator up to the fourth floor and go to room J. You’ll find him in there.”

“Thank you.” I nodded and walked over to the elevator, my heart beating fast.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to see when I walked into the room, and that scared me. I stood in the elevator with a doctor and two nurses, and I looked down at the floor. I was starting to get a headache again, but I tried to ignore it. I got out on the fourth floor and looked around for a sign to point me in the right direction. I spied Luke standing with a petite black lady and walked over to them.

“Hi, Luke,” I said softly and curiously. He looked up at me with bloodshot eyes, and I could tell that he had been crying.

“Hi.” He smiled weakly. “How are you feeling?”

“Like there are a bunch of nails in my head, but I’m okay.”

“Good, good.” He nodded and looked away. “He’s still out.”

“I see.” My heart stopped for a second. “Any other updates?”

“No.” He shook his head and paused. “I hope he knows I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, Luke.”

“It is.” He sighed, and I saw the bleakness in his eyes.

I looked at the lady standing next to him and smiled. “Hi, I’m Riley.”

“Aww, the infamous Riley.” She gave me a wide smile and shook my hand. “Nice to meet your acquaintance, Riley.”

“You know me?”

“I’ve heard of you, yes.”

“Oh.” I looked back at Luke, wondering what was going on, and he sighed.

“This is Clara’s mom.” His eyes darkened as he said her name. “She wanted to see how Hudson was doing, so I gave her a ride to the hospital.”

“As soon as Luke called me this morning, I knew I had to come if I could.” She nodded in agreement. “Especially since he had entered this fight for me.”

“You knew that?” My head started hurting again.

She nodded. “Luke told me.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you guys knew each other.”

“Luke started visiting me after Clara’s funeral.” She took ahold of his arm. “He’s become like a son to me.”

“I’m sorry about Clara,” I whispered, suddenly ashamed to be standing there as if nothing had happened. As if I hadn’t played such a large role in her demise.

“I don’t know why the Lord decided to take my child. She was my world, but I do not question the Lord’s decision.” Clara’s mom’s voice was passionate, and I looked up at her trying to study her face.

Was that how she really felt? I knew that I would be absolutely mad at the Lord if he decided to take Hudson away from me. I wouldn’t just accept it like that. I felt panicked inside as I thought about death and mortality. I couldn’t grasp how she could be okay with it all.

“Don’t get me wrong. I cried for years. I still cry, but my Clara had demons. Her life wasn’t easy.” She sighed. “I tried my best, but I couldn’t do everything. She had a drinking problem.” She looked at Luke then and squeezed his arm. “That was her problem, and I never addressed it. No one is to blame for her death but the alcohol.”

Luke grabbed her hand and started crying, and I stared at them for a few moments, confused and unsure as to what was going on. I was going to ask more questions when I remembered that I was there to see Hudson. I pushed the questions in my mind out of the way and gave them a gentle smile.

“Excuse me. I’m going to go and see Hudson.”

“Only family can see him right now.” Luke gave me a face, and I smiled.

“I’m his sister.” I grinned and looked for room J. “I’ll see you both later. It was nice meeting you.” I nodded at Clara’s mom, and she nodded back at me.

I turned around quickly and almost ran when I saw the big J outside of the door. I pushed the door open and walked in. I wasn’t prepared for the sight in the room. Hudson was lying in the bed with a bunch of different machines connected to him. I stopped by the door and just stared at him, feeling too scared and emotional to move any closer.

His face was the only thing that wasn’t covered with anything, but he looked different. It was swollen, and he had bruises all over him. I didn’t understand why he had so many bruises because I didn’t remember Channing hitting him that many times. I took a couple of deep breaths and then walked closer to the bed. I walked all the way to the front and stared down at his face.

“Hey Hudson,” I whispered, hoping for a romantic miracle. I waited for him to open his eyes and smile at me lazily. A teardrop fell as I realized that wasn’t going to happen. “Hey, Hudson, wake up,” I spoke, this time louder. His face didn’t move.

I stared at his chest and was grateful to see that it was moving up and down. There was some sign of life there. I reached down and touched his cheek very gently. His skin was a mix of black, blue, and green with some purple hues. Channing had done everything he could to make sure that Hudson lost the fight.

“It’s me, Hudson. It’s Riley,” I whispered as I traced his bruises. “I’m sorry I told you not to fight back dirty. I was wrong. You shouldn’t have listened to me. You should have beaten the shit out of him.” My hand flew to my mouth. “Oops, sorry for cussing.” And then I laughed. “Who am I apologizing to?” I shook my head and closed my eyes for a few seconds. This was a lot harder than I had anticipated it being. “I guess I fainted last night. I woke up this morning in my bed and I don’t even remember leaving the gym. Isn’t that crazy?”

I rambled on, not knowing what to say. It was weird talking, knowing I wasn’t going to get a response.

“Luke’s outside waiting to see you. You won’t believe who he’s with.” I leaned down and whispered, “He’s with Clara’s mom. Weird huh? Who knew they were friends? She said he’s been going to see her since the funeral. I didn’t even know he was good friends with Clara. But I suppose the three of you must have hung out a lot.” I paused and decided to change the subject. I wasn’t sure he wanted to hear about Clara.

“So Eden told me you’re going to go on a trip traveling around the world. I wonder what countries you’re planning on going to. Do you want a travel buddy? I don’t have the money to go yet, but I’m sure I can get a job and save—if you’re willing to wait a few months of course. Or maybe a year.” I laughed awkwardly. “I’m not sure I’ll have enough money in a few months. I still have to finish this exposé on underground fighting. I want to interview you when you wake up. I’m going to make you the star of the article.”

I took a step back then. I couldn’t stop the feelings of sadness and depression from taking over. I walked to the door and was about to leave when I decided to go back.

“Hey, Hudson, it’s me again.” I took a deep breath. “I nearly left to go and get some water and coffee. I didn’t think it would be this hard. I don’t even know what’s going on or what’s wrong with you. I miss you. You know what’s funny? The fact that you still call yourself Batman.” I started laughing. “Who calls himself Batman? I mean, it was cute when you were an obnoxious kid, but you’re a man now.” I giggled. “I’m going to get you a cape and a mask. And I’m going to make you wear it to the mall and you’ll have to run through the mall shouting, “Batman’s here!” And I’m going to take lots of photos to blackmail you with.” I smiled down at him, love filling my heart as I remembered how he’d always been there for me.

“Get better, Hudson. Please get better. I love you. I think we were destined for each other. Please just get better. I’m not going anywhere. I promise. I’m not going anywhere. I will always remain by your side. Please don’t leave me alone, Hudson.” I felt the tears welling up in my eyes as I leaned down and gently pressed my lips against his. “I love you, Hudson,” I whispered against his lips.

And then two things happened: his eyes popped open and a nurse walked into the room and gasped.

Chapter 17

Hudson

Present Day

I was never going to live down the name ‘Sleeping Beauty.’ It wasn’t the worst name a guy could have, but it wasn’t exactly the most masculine either. If another person called me Sleeping Beauty, I thought I was going to pull my hair out and scream.

Though, I suppose it’s not as embarrassing as what happened to Riley. Having the nurse catch her kissing me was something she wasn’t going to live down either. I suppose it never feels good to be caught kissing your brother. I laughed weakly and saw Riley frowning at me from the chair next to the bed.

“Why are you laughing?” she asked me suspiciously, but I didn’t tell her why.

“No reason.” I smiled at her. “Come.” I waved her over to the bed. I watched as she slowly got up and walked over to me.

“You okay?” Her eyes searched mine with a worried expression.

“Yeah.” I nodded and reached up to touch her face. “I just wanted to look at you.”

“Okay.”

“Kiss me?” I asked her. “I need you to breathe some life in me.”

“Uh huh.” She rolled her eyes, but I could see her grinning. Riley was loving the fact that she had been the one to wake me. “I’m not a fire-breathing dragon, you know.”

“I don’t need the fire.” I grinned. “At least, not now. Not while I’m still in the hospital. Unless they say conjugal visits are okay.”

“Hudson!” she gasped, and I laughed.

“Kiss me,” I demanded, and she leaned down and gently pressed her lips against mine. “Hmm,” I muttered, grabbing her head and running my fingers through her hair as I kissed her harder.

I slipped my tongue into her mouth and we kissed each other eagerly. I closed my eyes and breathed in her smell. This was what I had missed when I’d thought I was dead. The realness of this moment didn’t compare to my memories. The smell of her was so strong and vibrant, the taste of her so sweet, the feel of her so warm. There was nothing that could ever compare to the real thing.

“Hudson.” She pulled away, slightly breathless. “That’s enough.”

“I can never have enough of you, Riley.”

“Well, we’ll have to save the rest for the moment you leave the hospital.”

“Yeah, I suppose so.” I frowned. “You’re so mean to me.”

“Has Channing been to see you?” She changed the subject. “It’s been a week since you woke up, and I was just wondering.”

“No, he hasn’t.” I shook my head. “Nick has though. Channing’s out of the club.”

“What?” Her eyes widened. “So what does that mean? He’s not going to the championship?”

“Nope.”

“Oh wow. So Justin’s going.” She looked at me thoughtfully. “He was next up, right?”

“He was next, but he’s not going.”

“He’s not?” She looked in me in confusion. “Then who’s going?”

I took a deep breath and grabbed ahold of her hand. “I have something to tell you.”

“What?” Her face went pale. “Oh my God, no, Hudson. You can’t do this. You nearly died. You have to stop letting your guilt take over your life. It’s not your fault that Clara died. Your dying isn’t going to solve anything.”

“Riley, listen to me. Please.” I squeezed her hands, my heart breaking at her obvious pain.

“Why? So you can tell me that you’re going back for round two? Do you think I want to go through this again? I can’t go through this again, Hudson. I don’t like it. It’s not right.”

“Riley, I wanted to talk to you about the night that Clara died.” I took a deep breath. “Please listen to me.”

“What?” She glared at me. “I’m getting so fed up of going over that night. I know that makes me a horrible person, but will we ever get to move past that night?”

“I saw you delete the texts.” I bit my lip, and her eyes flew to mine in shock. “I’m not the saint you thought I was, Riley. I know Clara wanted my help. I saw you delete them. I didn’t want to leave you that night. In fact, I was happy you were jealous. I thought it proved to me that you really did care for me like I cared for you.”

“I didn’t know.” She kissed my forehead. “That’s why you feel guilty? That’s why you thought I’d hate you?”

I nodded, and tears filled my eyes. “We both made mistakes that night. I knew she had an alcohol problem and I gave her more alcohol before we left. I just wanted us to be together.”

“Oh, Hudson.” She stroked my cheek. “I’m sorry. I understand why you feel a responsibility to her mom.”

“About that.” I took another deep breath. “About the fight.”

“I don’t know if I can go through this again.” Her eyes were bleak, and my heart broke at the scared look in her eyes. “What if they kill you this time?”

“I signed up for the fight because I felt guilty about that night, but there’s something else you need to know.” I took a deep breath and was about to continue when the door opened.

“Can I come in?” Luke walked into the room and I nodded, still unsure as to how I felt about our friendship.

“Luke, you need to talk some sense into Hudson. He said he’s going to continue with the fight.” Riley’s voice rose. “How is he going to continue with a fight? He has no shot at winning.” Her voice cracked, and I saw Luke give me a questioning look. I shook my head as he sighed.

“I’d hoped Hudson would have told you already.” He sat down and stared at Riley.

She looked at him in confusion. “Told me what?”

“I’m the one going to the championships, Riley.”

“What?” Her jaw dropped and she looked at me in shock. “What are you talking about?”

“I spoke to Nick and he’s sending me.” His voice sounded sad. “I never should have convinced Hudson to sign up. I should have been man enough in the beginning. I should have signed up myself.”

“No, Luke.” She walked over to him. “You don’t need to do this either.”

“Yes.” He jumped up. “Yes, I do.”

“Why?”

“I need to win the million dollars. I need to give some it to Clara’s mom.” He looked at me and gave me another apologetic smile. “I’m the reason she’s dead, Riley.” Tears started rolling from his eyes as he spoke. “She wasn’t driving home from the bar when she crashed. She was driving to meet me.”

“But that doesn’t make sense. Her text message said she needed a ride home from the bar.” Riley looked confused. “She needed Hudson to take her home.”

“I think she was testing him to see if he would leave you.” Luke’s voice was distraught. “I asked her to leave Hudson. I asked her to date me. She knew he had feelings for you, but she wanted to see if he was really going to choose you over her. And when he never responded to her texts, she realized it was over. She called me and asked me to come to the house, but I didn’t want you guys to know I was in town. I didn’t want Hudson to suspect I was chatting up his girlfriend. So I told her to come and meet me.” His voice cracked as he started crying. “Only she never made it.”

“Oh, Luke.” Riley’s voice was filled with shock, and I could see in her eyes that she was as taken aback as I had been when I heard the news a few days prior. I watched as she took him in her arms and hugged him, and my heart filled with renewed love for her. The fact that her first thought was to comfort him at this time meant the world to me. “Luke, this isn’t your fault.”

“Every time I think about that night, I hate myself. I haven’t been able to function.” He sobbed. “I loved her, you know.”

“Is that why you became friendly with her mom?”

“Yes.” He nodded. “She’s a wonderful woman. She knows about that night and she forgives me. I couldn’t believe it, but she forgives me. That’s why I’m entering the fight. She’s going to lose her house. I need to get some money to help her.”

“Oh, Luke.” She held him tighter to her. “I wish you wouldn’t do this.”

“You can’t talk me out of it.” His voice was firm as he pulled away from her. “Ask your boyfriend. he’s already tried.”

“That I have.” I sighed and shook my head. “He won’t listen to reason.”

“But can you even fight?” Riley made a face. “Sorry, but I’ve never seen you—”

“Riley, shh.” I laughed as Luke looked hurt. “Now’s not the time to be asking if he can fight.”

“But isn’t that important?” Riley looked annoyed and then sighed. “I guess you know what you’re doing.”

“Yes, I do.” He nodded and gave me a smile. “Hudson’s going to train me.”

“What?” Riley’s jaw dropped. “Are you kidding me?”

“Nope.” I gave her a look. “He’s going to give me a hundred thousand for training him.”

“A hundred thousand from where?”

“His winnings.” I grinned. “I have someone who needs that money.”

“Oh?” She looked at me curiously.

“A friend of mine, Jamilah. You’ll meet her soon.”

“Okay.” She nodded, smiled, and walked over to kiss me on the cheek. “Just as long as she’s not an ex-girlfriend or something.”

I laughed. “She’s a kid.”

“What?” She looked confused again.

“Don’t worry. She’s not my kid.” I laughed again. “I’ll tell you more later.”

“Yes, dear.” She kissed me again, and I pulled her down so I could feel her warmth next to me.

“Okay, I think that’s my cue to leave.” Luke laughed and walked to the door. “So, I’ll see you next week?”

“Yup,” I nodded. “Start running. I want you running at least ten miles by the time we start training next week.”

“Okay.” He made a face, and I laughed.

“Now, get out of here. I want to kiss my girlfriend in private.”

“See you guys.” He left the room, and Riley just stared at me.

“I can’t believe any of that.” She shook her head. “When were you going to tell me?”

I groaned and closed my eyes. “Can we talk about something else?”

“What do you want to talk about?”

“How much you love me?” I opened my eyes and grinned up at her. “And how much I want to make love to you.”

“There’s no way I’m going to make love to you in your hospital bed.” She giggled.

“Why not? We’re sinners anyway.” I raised an eyebrow at her.

“Yeah, but not sinners who have sex in a hospital.”

“That’s what makes it so exciting.”

“You’re so bad, Hudson.” She shook her head. “And no, I’m not having sex with you here. There is no way in hell that is going to happen.”

I changed the subject and grabbed her hand. “You know, when I was unconscious, I had a dream.”

“Not of us having hospital sex?” She rolled her eyes.

“No, silly.” I laughed. “I had a dream that we got married.”

“Oh.” Her voice was soft, and I could see the surprise in her eyes.

“Yeah. I had a dream that we were married and we had kids. Only, I didn’t realize I was dreaming. I thought I was dead. And it made me sad. I thought I’m going to miss out on so much. I realized that I had so much life to live. So many regrets to give up. I realized that I needed to forgive myself. I couldn’t hold on to that pain and guilt forever.”

She nodded. “Yeah.”

“But I couldn’t quite seem to find my way out of the darkness. I thought, This is it. I’m trapped here.” My breath caught as I thought about what it had been like. “And then I heard an angel talking to me. It wasn’t the same sweet voice that had been speaking to me earlier. It was an angel that had wings and the face of the woman I loved. And as she kept talking to me, I felt something soft caressing me, like a butterfly. And I started warming up.”

“Oh.”

“And then the angel kissed me.” I caressed her cheeks and stared up at her, wondering how I had gotten so lucky. “And all of a sudden, the darkness was gone. And I knew as soon as I stared into her brown eyes that I had to make her mine.”

“Oh,” she repeated again breathlessly.

“Marry me, Riley. Please marry me. I don’t want to go another day without you in my life.”

“Oh, Hudson.” Tears fell from her eyes. “Of course I will marry you. I love you so much.”

“We’re in this together, my darling. You are my everlasting love.” I grabbed her around the waist and kissed her hard. “I don’t want to live life with any regrets any more. You’re the only one I’ve ever loved. You’ve been it for me forever. You’re my life, and I will spend my life showing you how much I love you.”

“You’re my everlasting love as well.” She kissed me hard. “And my everlasting sin.” She grinned, and I looked at the twinkle in her eye and then gasped as I felt her hand on my chest.

“Everlasting sin?”

“I’m going to make love to you,” she whispered in my ear. “Sit back and enjoy the ride, Mr. Blake.”

“I love you, Riley.”

“I know, my love. I know.” And then she winked at me and pushed me back.

I closed my eyes and laughed to myself. I’d never thought that when I’d picked on the little girl on the bus that one day we would eventually land up in love and about to spend the rest of our lives together. It seemed like it was the perfect ending to our story though. I was going to spend the rest of my life loving and protecting Riley. And I was going to have the time of my life making sure it was as good for her as it was for me.

AUTHOR’S NOTE

Thank you for reading Everlasting Sin by J. S. Cooper. I hope you enjoyed it. Please think about leaving a review and recommending the book to a friend if you did.

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Content

Everlasting Sin
J. S. Cooper

PART I

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

PART II

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

AUTHOR’S NOTE