Whisper to Me

Between Breaths - 3

Christina Lee

To Stacie. You are courageous. Resilient. Beautiful.

Chapter One Rachel

Scientists say that we’re all made of pieces of stars.

Never had that felt truer in my life than that one fateful night three years ago. I’d clung to my boyfriend’s shirt on the back of an old dirt bike as he increased his speed around the bend on Meadow Road. When the motorcycle narrowly missed the cat that darted into our path and skidded against the guardrail, I could have sworn I went sailing as high as those glittering pinpoints of light.

Crashing down and leaving a trail of dust in my wake, I stared up at those brilliant luminaries stretching through the heavens. I reached for the promise ring that’d hung as a fixture around my neck, but my fingers only met my collarbone. I was certain my head had burst into flames, the stars low and imposing, as darkness descended upon me. I imagined myself combusting into a fine powder, and uniting with those incandescent wonders, like a dazzling supernova in the sky.

And now here I was again, at another one of these field parties, the kind I hadn’t been to since high school. Though it was good to see all of my old friends, some of them still didn’t know what the hell to say to me. And I didn’t know what to say to them. Since we’d added a few semesters of college, the division had become even wider. It was now the summer between my junior and senior years of college, but to them I was still the girl with the shaved head and ugly scar.

My neck was stiff from gazing upward, so I yanked my legs inside the bed of the truck and settled against a rolled-up sleeping bag. It was flipping hot out here for eleven o’clock at night. Beads of sweat formed above my lip and pooled down the center of my boobs.

I located the North Star and stared at it until my vision blurred and the beat of the music took over my senses. Shane Garity had had the same damn pickup truck since way back when. It was old and rusty but the speakers could still crank out the tunes. And everyone continued to seek out the field in the back of his parent’s house for impromptu parties just like this one.

Some things never changed.

Dakota hadn’t returned from using the bathroom, so I figured she and Shane were up to their usual flirting ways. He’d crushed on her all through high school, and she knew it and practically egged him on, except when her brother, Kai, was around. He was Shane’s best friend and had let him know in no uncertain terms that his sister was off-limits.

My elbow had knocked over her red Solo Cup and her syrupy wine had leaked into the rusty cracks of the truck bed. It reminded me of the way the lovable me had trickled away as the trauma team stitched my head back together.

Dakota was my oldest friend, and even though we’d gone our separate ways after high school, she easily folded me back into her life, and had even begged me to stay at her expensive apartment this summer. Her parents were loaded, and despite having been blessed with the newest model car, amazing digs, and incredible looks, she never acted like a spoiled brat. She worked her ass off for her finance degree at the local private university and was motivated to make a name for herself.

I figured it’d be an easy commute into the city from her apartment to help Mom with her fledgling business. When Daddy divorced her the year after my accident, she got the house and the company. But the location of Pure sucked. It was smack dab in the middle of the touristy part of the city and sightseers didn’t seem to be interested in handmade soaps and lotions. They wanted magnets and bumper stickers. No wonder the store wasn’t doing so hot.

Mom had remarried and moved to a smaller condo with her new husband, but she kept hanging on to this damn business as if her life depended on it. I always suspected she wanted to prove to Daddy that she’d made something of it. I’d suggested a location change to the East End and she’d taken that as a sign that I’d help her make the move this summer.

“Been studying astronomy in your spare time?” Shane asked.

Dakota stood near the rear wheel next to Shane, whose hands were shoved deep in his pockets. I gave them both a cursory glance to check for any signs of fooling around. The way his gaze roamed over her profile in quiet admiration made something stir inside my chest. Like a quiet yet potent surge of longing for someone I once loved. But then it slid away and I chalked it up to the nostalgia of being around this place again.

“The stars are brighter out here, asshead,” I said. “You know that.”

Dakota shook her head. “God, I missed your face. But your potty mouth? Not so much.”

“I appreciate Rachel’s potty mouth,” Shane said, wiggling his eyebrows.

“That’s a given,” Dakota said, rolling her eyes. “Boys.”

“I’m a complete package,” I said with a wink. “Take it or leave it.”

My effortless banter with my childhood friends was reminiscent of the same easiness I shared with my college friends, Avery and Ella. Except with Dakota and Shane, the easiness was real. I was someone different with my friends from school. Someone bolder and unattached—because if I was bold and unattached, I didn’t have to be me. Coming home had knocked some of that newfangled fire out of me, stripped me down to who I really was.

Dakota fingered the yellowed, peeling sticker on the truck’s bumper. Life’s a bitch and then you die. The adage found everywhere—widely accepted, even—from coffee mugs to greeting cards. I agreed it was a fair summation. Apart from the fact that I’d cheated death, which meant that bitch had spared me, so maybe she wasn’t so bad after all.

“You miss the city, Rachel?” Shane asked. He was ruggedly handsome, and he and Dakota would definitely make a sweet couple. He was kind and cool and never an asshole, which endeared him to me most of all. He still felt guilty about that night. I could see it in his eyes. But it had been my decision to hop on the back of his bike with no helmet for the ride of my life with Miles—only to return as wrecked as the motorcycle.

“It’s not like we’re in the boonies.” Dakota snorted. “The city’s only a train ride away and I’m guessing it wasn’t such a big change for her after all. Right, Rach?”

“Only a change of scenery, really.” I took a sip of my beer and returned to stargazing.

Dakota knew I’d left for college dejected, after Miles had broken things off while I was still laid up in the hospital. I left for a place far away, where no one would know to treat me differently, as everyone had been doing since my recovery.

I’d gone through months of rehab by the time I left, and despite occasional headaches, a slightly off-balance gait, and numbness in my fingers from time to time, nobody at college suspected I’d suffered a near-fatal subdural hematoma—in other words, a brain bleed, caused by the impact of the accident.

“Always wanted to hang at the less touristy places,” Shane said. “But Dakota didn’t invite me on her trip during winter break.”

Dakota bumped Shane with her hip. “That’s because I needed girl time with Rachel. I was afraid she’d forgotten about me.”

That little dig was for my benefit. I’d kept my distance, even from my best friend, because she was impossibly perfect and I felt like I couldn’t measure up during my recovery. She’d become an unrelenting cheerleader in rehab, constantly pushing me to try harder, do better—rah, rah, rah!—but I had practically caved from the pressure.

“I’d never forget you, babe.” Still, she was the one person who knew me best.

Or at least she used to. Little did Dakota know I’d spent my college years erasing Miles from my mind by becoming a new person. A different person. With a second chance at life. I hadn’t let things tie me down, so I’d never let anyone get too close. I’d bedded whomever I wanted and I always up and left them after they helped me take off the edge.

That’s why Avery and I saw eye to eye. She had the same attitude about guys. Until she met Bennett. And then Ella met Quinn—but that was just in time for me to leave town for the summer, anyway.

Avery and Ella accepted me for who I was even though I’d never let them get close enough to learn about my past. I’d become the free-spirited girl I’d always dreamed of being, with no worries dragging me down. It had worked until the phone call came from Mom, begging me to move back home this summer. Before that, I had been able to avoid prolonged visits since high school.

But Mom had been there for me, and now I needed to return the favor. I needed to revisit my old ties and responsibilities.

“How do you think your bro’s adjusting to being home?” Shane asked, and my head immediately snapped up at the mention of Dakota’s older brother.

When Dakota convinced me to live with her, she hadn’t told me that Kai had returned from studying abroad in Amsterdam and was crashing at her place this summer. During the past week I’d spent with the two of them, I couldn’t help smirking at the pseudo Dutch accent he’d picked up or secretly drooling over his new physique. I mean damn, he must have bench-pressed some serious windmills or shit over there.

Not that he was my type. I’d always had a thing for jocks. And Kai—with his rotating selection of Vans sneakers and pants that fit his lean thighs like a second skin—was most certainly not a jock.

Still, Kai and Dakota were my oldest friends. I needed to rein in my thoughts. It wouldn’t be the first time I’d admire Kai from a distance and it wouldn’t be the last.

Dakota and Kai were easily two of the most striking people I’d ever laid eyes on. A mix of Dutch from their mother’s side and Native American from their father’s side, they’d been blessed with shiny hair that resembled silky strands of onyx.

They also had the same elusive indigo eyes as their mother, who had sandy-brown hair and fair skin. Next to Mr. Nakos, with his deep brown eyes, hair, and skin, she and her husband made an attractive couple. But the blend of their looks together, in their children, was breathtaking. Mrs. Nakos liked to joke that her children were mutts, but most would agree that the family looked more like well-bred aristocrats ruling the most exquisite, exclusive island.

At least Dakota did. Kai looked more like some flashy rock star, given his piercings and shoulder-length hair.

Kai’s family had owned several successful businesses over the years, including the casino a few miles up the road from where we grew up. A part of me wondered if Kai had returned from Amsterdam to join his father’s ventures, but I instantly batted the idea down. Kai wanted nothing to do with the family business. But Dakota indicated that he’d gotten himself in some trouble and lost his internship with a recording studio. Their mother’s Dutch cousin had all but kicked him out after that.

Kai had always been kind of a loose cannon—a lost soul. He’d been in his share of bands, played several instruments, and had a reputation as a bad boy around town. And beautiful bad boys always got the girls. There’d been no shortage for him in that department.

But he was also a walking contradiction. His true passion was jazz music, though he’d never admit it out loud. He’d lug around his upright bass in a beat-up hard-shell case that looked as if it’d been on tour with a rock band. And maybe it had—at least for that one summer when he’d traveled with a swing band and afterward hooked up with a local celebrity metal group, in which he’d primarily played the keyboard. That boy was mad talented.

“Looks like nothing’s changed, right?” Dakota said.

Kai stood near the bonfire surrounded by a few girls who no doubt wanted his undivided attention, just like old times. He had on a pair of black skinny jeans that nobody had any business wearing, with some stud and hoop earrings dangling from his ears. His shoulder-length, glossy black hair was pulled away from his face in a low ponytail. And he wore two shirts, gray on top of white, thick enough to hide his nipple piercings, but every female in the general vicinity knew that if luck were on her side, she’d be able to find them.

“That’s my boy,” Shane said, laughing. Being Kai’s best friend had its advantages when it came to the female population, but Shane had always been the more serious one when it came to relationships. He usually had a girlfriend, but his relationships never lasted for too long, and in between, he’d pine over Dakota. Or maybe even during.

When Kai’s eyes latched onto mine from across the yard, I felt that familiar pull toward him. It was as if he and I were parallel in this one singular moment. Both fish out of water, having abandoned our homes—only to return, eager to find our way.

Hoping to make it work.

And damn, as Kai pushed his calloused fingers through the stray pieces of hair that fell from his makeshift elastic tie, I remembered what a beautiful soul he was. He’d always had his looks going for him, sure. But tonight, with the glow of the embers slanting across his bronzed cheekbones, he seemed even more gorgeous. And there was something in his stance—the way he toed the dirt, fists clenched at his sides that made him seem vulnerable. Exposed. More open than I’d ever witnessed before.

The vision of him knocked the breath straight from out of my lungs.

But then he ruined that perfect image by taking a long drag of the joint in his hand. I hated when he smoked. Still, I couldn’t help but notice how his full lips curved over the top of the blunt.

What in the hell was wrong with me?

I’d grown up with Kai and was practically a member of his family. And he knew nearly everything about me—up until three years ago.

Dakota said he’d been smoking way too much weed, and it had nothing to do with it being legal in Amsterdam. I knew the only thing Kai ever wanted to do with his life was play music in some way, shape, or form. So when he decided to study music theory in Amsterdam, I was actually impressed. Until I found out that he’d been hanging with a new crowd, was close to doing something bordering on illegal, and Mr. Nakos had encouraged him to get the hell out of the country.

I shook my head—Kai was always in some kind of trouble.

Some dude pulled in way too fast on a red Yamaha motorcycle. “Don’t crash, you idiot,” Mile’s old teammate yelled as the bike skidded in the grass. Too many eyes darted in my direction, and there was nervous tittering from some of the girls. Nope, being home was not awkward in the least bit.

“I’m getting another drink,” I said, jumping down from the truck. “Want anything?”

“No, I’m good,” Dakota said. She and Shane had gotten involved in a conversation with some former classmates who’d just arrived at the party.

I headed toward the cooler for another beer. As I passed by the bonfire, I heard Kai’s low and smooth voice telling his admirers how the red-light district wasn’t as it appeared in movies.

“Let’s drill Rachel about what the big city’s been like.” I felt strong fingers grip my hand, and then I was yanked into the hard wall of Kai’s chest.

“Sound good, Turtle?” he whispered, and I playfully elbowed him in the ribs. It’d been his nickname for me since middle school cross-country. I was one of the slowest on the team in my forest-green uniform, and he’d gotten a kick out of his joke. When I’d tell him where to stick it, he’d only change it to a turtle name like Shelly or Myrtle just to piss me off.

Kai’s arm immediately curled around my neck in a kind of headlock, like the three years had never passed between us. He’d made this same obnoxious move countless times in high school and I’d clamber to get away from him, because it always made me feel like a kid in front of his metal-head friends. And, more important, in front of him.

But this time felt different—he was all warm skin over hard muscles, and his arm had sprouted biceps I’d never felt before. Instead of trying to get away, I grew motionless as the enormity of my own smutty thoughts crashed down on me—thoughts about this boy who was now a man, who just happened to be my best friend’s brother.

Apparently, nostalgia was a bitch, too. I didn’t know what in the hell had come over me.

“Are you going for your CPA, Rachel?” Julia, one of my old high school friends, asked. I could muster only a nod, but that was enough of an opening as she went off on a tangent about how hard her own business classes had been at her university.

I remained hyperaware of the fact that my body was aligned with Kai’s, that my ass was right up against his crotch, and how it seemed so damn wrong to even think about the nice package he had going on behind me.

Kai would never know that I included him on the short list of guys who’d left me. Right there with Miles and my dad. When Dakota was considering her college options, I’d decided that, despite her impossible standards of perfection, I wouldn’t let her leave me, too. So I was the one who chose a college far enough away that I wouldn’t return to visit very often. I wouldn’t return at all. Until now.

Now Kai ran his thumb through the back of my waves like he used to do right before he’d fuck up my hair—usually after it had been carefully flat-ironed and sprayed. He’d always irritated the hell out of me.

I’d finally finished growing out my locks this past spring—my hair had remained short for too long after surgery and had been an almost-constant reminder to me that I had cheated death.

But this time I didn’t care if he messed up my hair or not. Having his strong arm around me made me feel protected. Safe. Like I was home.

I shivered as the edge of his nail skimmed my scalp in slow and lazy circles. Until it traced along the very edge of my scar. His fingers stilled and his grip on me tightened, as if to say, I know you.

It felt way too damn intimate, so I pushed on his forearm and broke free of his hold, scooting far away. But not before turning back and shooting him a scathing look.

But my cutting gaze didn’t faze him. He chewed on his bottom lip and stared at me with a questioning gaze.

Who have you become, Rachel?

Wouldn’t he like to know.

Chapter Two Kai

As I watched Rachel walk away from me, I realized she was all grown up. And she was different.

Not only physically. Yeah, her rich brown hair had grown below her shoulders and it softened her carved cheekbones and strong jawline. But there was a sharpness in her eyes that I’d never witnessed before—not even during the months after Miles left her or while she’d worked her ass off during physical therapy exercises, determined to use her limbs again.

This was a different kind of fire. Harsh. Resolute. Unwavering. One that told me she’d drawn a line and anyone who crossed it might get burned. The severity in her eyes was like a road hazard, warning someone not to get too close. Not even me. Not even the boy she’d grown up with and told practically everything.

Sure, we hadn’t seen each other in three years, and it had taken me a long while to stop thinking about her every minute of every day. To stop hoping she was still healthy, and to prevent my fingers from dialing her cell too often. Instead, I got updates from Dakota or my cousin Nate, on my mother’s side. I only ever saw him at holiday time but I knew he also attended TSU. Hung in the same circle of friends, even.

He’d told me Rachel liked the jocks, and when I couldn’t stomach it any longer, I told him to shut the fuck up. Told him I only wanted to know if she seemed healthy and happy.

I figured I’d run into her again someday. Maybe by then I’d be over her.

Over her piercing emerald eyes, which were as translucent as the green bottle fisted in my hand. As multifaceted as the sea glass that washed up on the lakeshore. Or maybe I’d be over the feel of her fingers entwined in mine, and the image of her teeth tugging at her bottom lip, which happened whenever she was unsure of herself.

But on the night I returned from meeting with my former band, all it took was catching sight of her curled up on Dakota’s couch, and I was right back where I was three years ago. I knew she was there the moment I came in the front door. I could smell her scent, and I gripped my guitar case so tightly my fingers ached.

Because seeing her basically unhinged me.

As I removed my boots so as not to wake her and then padded toward the couch on the hardwood floor, the realization hit me that she had changed. She was prettier, shapelier, more womanly.

Her scent was the same as in high school. The one from her mother’s holistic or whatever-the-hell shop where she made her own soaps and lotions. Rachel had said it was called rice flower and it was like a whiff of fresh spring air with subtle floral undertones. I’d never smelled it anywhere before and anywhere since, and I had to restrain myself from picking her up off the cushion and folding her into my chest as soon as that scent filled my nose.

But she awoke as I neared her, and as she took me in through narrowed eyes, I wondered what she saw in me three years later. Her scrutiny sent my stomach into a free fall.

Because I had changed, too. In fact, I had changed the very night I’d heard the news of her accident. It was after band practice and I was out partying with my boys. I dropped everything to rush to the hospital, even though I was high as a kite.

I was there for her every damn day after that. Especially when Miles left. He’d never been worthy of her and she didn’t deserve his abandonment. Her parents, Dakota, and I kept a rotating shift at the rehab facility. She’d had minimal use of her fingers and her speech had been slurred, so we needed to keep up her morale, keep her fighting.

It was a one-person battle, and she recovered weary, yet unwavering.

When she began choosing colleges, I was still waffling on what the hell to do with my life. I was living at home, playing in bands, my parents getting increasingly more irritated with my supposed laziness. When I was almost implicated in a breaking and entering my band mate pulled off, I decided to get as far away from Rachel and my feelings about her as possible—before I screwed up even more right in front of her eyes.

Mom called in a favor with her cousin’s friend who ran a recording studio in Amsterdam, and I headed out there to work as his intern. I studied music theory at the university, too, but I was only truly happy during my nights at the studio, when I helped an album come together or sat in on a creative session, like when a jazz band put together a demo before an upcoming tour.

Otherwise, I was constantly reminded that something was absent from my life. Someone.

I asked myself why I hadn’t just told her what I was feeling, but I knew she’d been too raw. From the accident. From her recovery. From Miles dumping her.

Besides, I had my own life to figure out. My parents were great, but I’d always been kind of a fuckup. I didn’t know what I wanted to do other than play music, and I felt as if I should’ve been more ambitious, like my father.

Thankfully Dakota fulfilled that role for my parents. And even Shane was more like a son than I’d ever be. Every summer he returned home to work for my father at the casino.

“Kai.” On the first night I’d seen her, Rachel’s voice had been raspy, drowsy, sexy. She’d reached out her hand. “Your hair grew.”

“Yeah,” I’d said, kneeling beside the couch. “So did yours.”

Her fingers entwined with mine and she tugged me in for a hug. “I’ve missed you.”

I stifled a groan as she laid her head against my neck and slipped her arms around my shoulders. She was warm and soft and sleepy. I kissed her temple quickly and then pulled away before I fell back under her spell. “Go to sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.”

After that night, Dakota had helped Rachel and me get our belongings sorted out in our temporary spaces, and we hung out together often. We watched movies, opened bottles of wine and reminisced—always skating along the surface, never delving too deep into who we’d become.

And before tonight, I hadn’t touched her since.

I headed toward Shane’s house to take a leak. Nudging past a few people in the kitchen and then a couple of dudes who high-fived me, I made my way to the guest bathroom located on the first floor. Shane’s mom always used some sort of strong lavender air freshener in here and it brought me right back to our high school days and all the drunken weekend bashes.

It was probably wrong of me to have sought out Rachel at this party. To have wanted contact with her. Call it homesickness or nostalgia or whatever the hell you want, but I swear, she was like a goddamn remedy or cure or something. Still, she had no clue how I felt about her. She’d never know. Behind the weed, the piercings, the girls, and the I-don’t-give-two-fucks attitude, I hid it well.

If she found out I’d fallen for her during her recovery, she’d freak. Her heart had been broken and she’d lost the substance of her former self. A huge wall of grief surrounded her on all sides. I’d gone day after day as her friend. I held her hand when she cried, her hair back when the contents of her stomach wouldn’t cooperate with her medications, read her books, and watched countless hours of television with her.

So tonight, when I’d pulled her into my chest like a brother would do to antagonize a kid sister, she never suspected that I’d just wanted to smell her. To push aside her hair and taste the skin just below her ear. My elbow rested just above her breasts and I couldn’t help noticing how they’d filled out, along with her shapely hips, since her recovery. She looked healthy and gorgeous and irresistible.

And most surprising was that she didn’t push me away like she normally did. She didn’t tell me I smelled like weed or that I was too rough or whatever excuse she’d usually give to get away. Tonight I felt her settle against my chest like she was relishing it. Like maybe she missed me, too. Even though it could never be as much as I’d missed her.

But then I made the stupid-ass move of finding her scar. What a douche bag. It probably reminded her of how broken she once was, when all I wanted to do was help her remember that we were connected. Shit.

I needed to find her and apologize. Tell her I didn’t mean anything by it. That I didn’t want her to run away from me. I was probably still such a fuckup in her eyes. I was the guy who’d gotten kicked out of my internship in Amsterdam after Johan’s too-young-for-him girlfriend came on to me. Returning to my father’s disapproving gaze sucked big time, but finding out Rachel had returned as well almost made the whole thing worth it.

I headed back outside and heard the low rumble of a hot rod pulling up to the field in back. I looked over my shoulder at the sweet blue ride with gleaming silver tail pipes. My gaze slid to the driver’s side and my whole body tensed. And just like that, I knew I was meant to be Rachel’s friend tonight more than anything else. She was going to need me.

Because Miles had fucking wrecked her and now he was here to screw with her again.

I stormed through the crowd, pushing past people to search for her. Julia tried to reach for my arm, but I shrugged her off. I was pretty sure she only wanted to drag me into the woods to hook up for old times’ sake.

I rounded the bonfire and slowed my steps as I spotted Rachel near the wooden fence in the back of the lot. With her jaw set and her fists clenched tight, she looked fierce. Determined. On fire.

I realized that she’d done pretty well without me the past few years.

Maybe she didn’t need me to protect her anymore. Not when it came to him.

She could probably kick his ass all on her own. And maybe mine, too.

Chapter Three Rachel

There was a squealing of tires as a muscle car pulled up and got the attention of everyone at the party. It was hard to see who was behind the wheel through the tinted side window. But then a couple of the guys whistled, knuckles rapped the bumper of the car, and I heard the nickname I hadn’t heard in years. One that I hadn’t become immune to—yet.

“Big M, I was hoping you’d make it!” shouted a voice above the din of the crowd.

Big M, also known as M, also known as Miles, my ex-boyfriend. The boy I hadn’t laid eyes on in years. The same boyfriend who’d told me my recovery was too much for him to handle, who’d never even questioned what had happened to the promise ring he’d given me a couple of months before the accident. The person who’d vanished from my life and never visited me in the hospital again.

And I got it. Damn, I got it. We were young. He was on his way to college on a basketball scholarship. Still, his desertion cut deep. Because after his phone calls and visits stopped, I’d felt so alone. Hollow. Gutted.

Sure, I had my parents. And Dakota. And Kai.

Kai—the guy who spent hours playing cards and wheeling me back and forth to physical and occupational therapy. Who held my hand when I could barely grasp his back. Who stayed in my room until I fell asleep with tears dried in the corners of my eyes from crying so damn hard over Miles.

Those nights in the hospital changed me. Toughened me up. Even more than the physical accident caused me to get stronger. More than the two surgeries reduced the swelling and pieced the fragments of my skull back together.

Now Kai gripped my shoulder in another show of support. Or maybe it was to hold himself back from pouncing on Miles. He’d already done that once after the accident, and I made him promise to never do it again. Even though Miles had deserved it.

But I wasn’t the same girl who needed Kai’s support back then. I hardened to the point of not needing anyone anymore. At least I didn’t want to need anyone. And I’d proven that I could take care of myself during these last three years.

So when I shrugged Kai off, I felt his hand skate down my back and fall away. Like it was a last-ditch effort to hang on to the girl I had once been.

I felt a warm hand on my arm again and figured Kai was trying to mess with me, but when I looked back it was Dakota instead. Her eyes were widened in surprise. “Shoot, I’d heard he was back in town, but I didn’t think he’d show up here. Let’s have Shane kick him out.”

I steadied my breath. “No, it’s cool. I don’t want him to think I can’t handle being at the same party with him.”

At this point almost everyone’s gaze was shifting back and forth between Miles and me, even though he hadn’t even spotted me yet. Kai had stepped away and now stood across from me, as if to shield me from Miles’s view. I had to look away from him because I knew his gaze would cut deep. He knew how hard it’d been for me those days after the accident. He knew so damn well. My knees practically buckled at the thought.

The crowd parted to let Miles through and as the realization of my presence dawned on him, his jaw became slack and his steps slowed to a halt. He gave me the once-over, like he was seeing a damn ghost or something.

He was all lean muscles from playing ball twenty-four seven for Cleveland State University. I’d forgotten how smooth his tan skin had felt or how long his powerful legs had been. He was so tall, in fact, that I barely reached his chest. But I’d loved that about him—how he could lift me up with one scoop of his arm or raise my mouth to his lips. Rumor had it that he had a good chance of being picked in the NBA draft this summer. I knew that was his dream, so in a strange way, I was glad for him. But that happiness was padded by a thick wall of sorrow, even to this day. Because there were so many things unresolved between us.

I’d thought for sure I was over him. But seeing him standing before me with his close-cropped hair, square jaw, and deep-set brown eyes was nearly my undoing. Regret slammed into my chest and blindsided me. I tasted the stinging of tears in the back of my throat. The truth of the matter was: I’d never been gutted by someone like that before Miles. Anyone who’d experienced such a profound loss would understand the lingering influence that person has over you. Your emotions. Your moods.

My heart had been tucked away in a corner, with the shades pulled down, for the past three years, but now it was as if she were peeking out the window, getting a closer look at the one person who’d obliterated her.

Even as Miles high-fived a bunch of guys, he kept his eyes glued to mine. But I didn’t want him to have that kind of power over me, not anymore. So I commanded my legs to move. I turned and nearly tripped over my own toes, they felt so unstable, like a crumbled and abandoned building. As I walked back over to my perch by the truck, I felt as if I were floating in some kind of fucked-up dream.

An old high school friend named Carrie made room for me on the edge of the truck bed, sympathy dripping from her eyes. “You okay?”

“I’ll be fine,” I said, my voice sounding strained. “First time I’m seeing him, is all.”

Man, I was way off my game since I’d been back home. I didn’t discuss feelings with anybody. Not anymore. Normally I wouldn’t even dignify that kind of lame question with a response. Especially not to these people, who’d never figured out how to treat me and had backed away instead, making me feel even more alone. I mean, fuck, I was only a girl in town who’d had an accident that resulted in a brain injury.

“Rachel.” He was standing in front of me now, and Carrie had the decency to scoot off the truck bed to give us privacy.

My name fell from his lips, and my stomach clenched into a solid brick. I hadn’t heard him say my name in such a long time that the sensation bordered on painful.

“Miles.” It came out in a hoarse whisper.

“You look . . . amazing.” He looked down as if unsure of himself. “I . . . I heard you were back in town. Can . . . can we talk?”

I stood up on the bed of the truck so that I towered over him, giving me the leverage I needed. “Nope.”

And then I jumped down and headed toward the mishmash of cars parked haphazardly on the lawn. Anger blazed like a wildfire inside my chest. No fucking way did he earn the right to talk to me.

I heard the crunching of dry grass behind me and realized that Miles was gaining on me. Except he was about three years too late.

“I’m just about to head home,” I called over my shoulder. “So just go the fuck away.”

Without turning around, I knew that I’d shocked him into silence. Never had I spoken that way to him before. Kai said that led to our downfall. He hadn’t liked the way I’d acted with Miles and had told me so on a number of occasions.

As I moved toward the cars, Shane stepped into our path, with Kai beside him. “Miles, probably best for you to take off.”

Kai tried catching my eye, but I looked away and kept moving, pushing past Shane.

“Wait, Rachel, please,” Miles said, and I twisted my head just as Kai restrained him, keeping him from going after me. “There’s something I need to say and then I promise to leave you alone.”

I stopped dead in my tracks and then swung toward him. “Oh yeah? How about all those times I wanted to say something to you but you never answered your phone?”

Damn it to hell. I had blown it. I’d let him see how he was affecting me. For three long years I had said he was dead to me. So why was my whole body reacting right now? I balled my shaking fists.

I had imagined this same scenario playing out so many times in my head: Miles returning to tell me he’d messed up, that he’d been a wreck without me. That he was sorry. Then he’d help me through rehab. He’d hold my hand and tell me I was beautiful despite my shaved scalp. He’d adjust the straps on my recovery helmet and kiss my cheek tenderly.

Just like Mom had done . . . and just like Kai had done.

I gave Kai a stern warning look. One that said, Stay out of this. Kai tightened his jaw as if he wanted to clock Miles one, but he let him go and stayed put, respecting my wishes. These two boys were as different as night and day. And I was different with each of them. With Kai, I confronted him toe-to-toe. With Miles, I’d always softened to his wishes.

I shook the thought from my head and moved farther away from the crowd, Miles following behind.

I spun in fury toward him. “What the hell do you need to say to me?”

Miles was just as handsome as always. His cheekbones had sharpened, and the chocolate eyes I had loved so much now appeared to hold a deep well of pain. They made me waver.

“Rachel, I was an asshole. I’ve grown up a lot since then.” Had he felt bad about his decision all of these years? “You didn’t deserve someone like me, anyway.”

I clenched my jaw so tight I saw stars. “You’ve got that right.”

“Damn it. I’m so sorry. I was scared.” He began pacing in wide circles, running his fingers through his barely-there hair. He’d always kept it closely shaved during the basketball season. “We were supposed to go away to college together and I didn’t know how to handle what happened to you. But I haven’t been able to get over how I treated you.”

Even though I had wanted this type of apology for years, hearing it out loud only made me feel numb. Confused. Lightheaded.

“I get it. I do,” I said. My voice was now a whisper. All my anger had been placed on pause. “But I sure as hell didn’t know how to handle it, either. So I don’t feel sorry for you.”

He looked me over as if surveying the aftereffects of everything damn thing that had happened to me. “You came back strong.”

“I did,” I said. “Without your help.”

“Maybe that’s just it, Rachel,” he said. “Maybe you got strong because I walked away.”

“Don’t pretend you were doing the honorable thing!” I spit out. His face fell, but I knew he was right in so many ways. But there was no chance I was admitting to them now. I probably wouldn’t ever.

“Please, Rachel.” He stared into my eyes, and I looked away to break the spell. “Can you give me a chance to make it up to you? I want to get to know you again. To be friends.”

“No way.”

“Will you at least think about it?”

“Never.” I shook my head and turned away. “Fuck off.”

But I had lost the power of those words and my shoulders slumped forward instead. Like all the fight had gone out of me in that moment.

I stalked toward Kai and Dakota, leaving Miles in my wake. “Give me your keys, Kai, so I can drive myself home. Catch a ride back later with Shane.”

“Wait a minute,” Dakota protested, and then turned to Shane. “If you don’t kick Miles’s butt out, then I will.”

But before he could respond, I said, “No, please. I want . . . I need to be alone.”

Kai gave Dakota a look. They knew I meant business when I wanted my solitude. It was the one thing that hadn’t changed over the years. I’d been an only child who’d absolutely thrived on it when my family had gotten to be too much for me. Kai reluctantly dangled his keys in front of me, and I snatched them from his grasp before he had the opportunity to change his mind.

I sprinted to his car, swung open the door, and slid inside. I had shut out that little corner of the world and all I could hear were my own heavy breaths. I closed my eyes, rested my head against the seatback and breathed a sigh of relief.

After another moment, I fired up the engine and put the car in drive. But before I could peel off like some badass, the passenger door swung open.

And in slipped Kai.

Chapter Four Kai

“Not even going to talk to you,” I said through gritted teeth. “But I’m not letting you leave alone. You haven’t had more than one drink, right?”

She nodded.

“So just start driving, goddamn it.”

“Shit,” Rachel grunted, and then she pushed down on the gas pedal, causing her to fishtail through the grass. I kept my mouth shut like I’d promised and gripped the door handle instead. She turned the wheel and straightened out the car as she came toward the road.

Being with Rachel like this again made it all rush back. Not one great middle-school memory didn’t include her. Rachel had always been so damn cute with that dark hair and those sea-green eyes. And now this body of hers that had blossomed since her illness—she’d developed shapely legs, narrow hips, and tits that I couldn’t stop noticing in that thin tank top of hers. Fuck me.

When she started dating that douche bag Miles, she’d changed. She became meek and humble, lost her smartass retorts and sarcasm. She hadn’t been my Rachel anymore. She’d been his.

But now. Now she was her old self to the extreme. They say your personality can change after a head injury. But this was something altogether different. This was Rachel shutting down, closing herself off completely. And I got it. I so got it.

I had looked for someone like Rachel in Amsterdam. I’d actually dated girl after girl trying to get that feeling back that I had when I was around her. In her space. But it had never returned. Until now.

Rachel grumbled and huffed and smacked the wheel. I just shook my head and looked out the window, allowing her to work it through in her own head. I wanted to know what that motherfucker had said to her, but a promise was a promise.

Did Miles want her back? Would she actually consider it after all this time? He was like her kryptonite. I clenched my jaw until it ached. I wanted to push his teeth through his skull.

As we drove past Lucy’s bar, her foot let off the gas in a moment’s hesitation. Maybe if I hadn’t been with her, she would have pulled in and drunk herself stupid. Gone home with some random guy. I wasn’t an idiot. I knew what my cousin Nate was getting at when he’d given me reports about Rachel.

She’d become someone different in college. It sounded like she was using guys who reminded her of Miles to get lost in for a night. Just like I’d used girls who weren’t Rachel in Amsterdam.

I figured at the very least I was saving her from making a dumb-ass decision tonight. Not that there was anything wrong with having an active sex life, but she seemed to be exercising it for the wrong reasons. I pushed away the thought of just how many guys she might have been with at college. The idea of any number of dudes pawing at her body made me want to slam my fist through the windshield.

But then a heavier thought flitted through my brain. At least she was at the university. At least she was living a life that had once threatened to be taken from her.

I noticed the tears welling up in the corners of her eyes and knew she was on the verge of losing it. So I turned up the radio and let her be alone with her thoughts. If I tried to speak she’d ream me a new one anyway.

Yep, she was definitely alive and letting everyone know it.

She pulled into the underground garage and thrust the car into park. I wanted to yell at her for bashing on my brakes, but I held my tongue. She slammed the car door and charged up the stairs to the bank of elevators in the lobby. I caught up to her just as the metal doors ground open. I allowed her to pass in first, and she jammed the button to our floor before sagging against the far wall.

I could hear her heavy breaths as she attempted to keep her emotions at bay. I tried to keep my gaze off the vein throbbing in her neck as her gaze skated over my body as if she was memorizing me or discovering me all over again. I didn’t know which. Maybe she just wanted to use me as a punching bag. I pushed away the thought of what angry sex with Rachel would feel like. Her on top, riding me with wild abandon in her eyes. Fuck.

I bolted out of the elevator as soon as the doors parted, and then turned the key in the lock. She pushed open the door and stormed past me, heading straight for the bar. She rummaged around before finally pulling out a shot glass and a bottle of Patrón.

She sat down hard on a barstool and poured herself a generous shot. Swirling the tequila in her cup she looked lost in deep thought. I made my way behind the bar and pulled out a glass of my own. I began prepping the lime slices and salt but she didn’t wait for me. She threw back her head and gulped the strong drink, wincing as it went down.

Then she started pouring herself another one.

Her eyes slid up to meet mine in quiet determination. She looked woozy yet still defiant.

“Well, damn,” I said, finally breaking the silence that had been building up between us.

A bark of amusement shot out of her mouth before she covered it with her hand. It was like being back in middle school all over again. My lips twitched as I tried to hold back my own grin. I downed my shot and heard her break into the same kind of hysterical fit that, when we were kids, would become contagious.

She stopped laughing long enough to knock back one more shot, and then choked and coughed after it went down. She rested her head on the edge of the bar, her shoulders shaking with laughter, and I couldn’t hold back any longer. I laughed long and hard right along with her.

After a couple of minutes her chuckling slowed into sputtering gasps. She lifted her head and heaved out a gloomy sigh. Her eyes welled with tears that had nothing to do with the laughter from moments before as she tried keeping her trembling lips in a neat straight line. But she failed miserably after two seconds more as the floodgates opened and she began bawling.

Fat trails of tears rolled down her cheeks, and she tried swiping at them unsuccessfully.

Her emotions were all over the map tonight.

“Hey,” I said, my own voice rough with compassion. “Come here.”

I pulled her into my arms, and she cried even harder against my shoulder. My cotton T-shirt was soon soaked from her tears, but I didn’t give two shits. This was the kind of weeping she’d done in the hospital over that same piece of garbage, and I fucking hated hearing it again.

“It’s gonna be okay,” I said, rubbing circles on her back. I wasn’t sure what to say at this point that wouldn’t hurt her worse.

Her arms, which had been hanging limply at her sides, came up to grasp my shoulders, as if I were her anchor. She was breathing heavily into my neck, and I felt her tears slide onto the skin at the base of my throat.

My fingers trailed down her back to grasp her waist, and I could feel how lean she was. Not as lean as she’d been in the hospital. This was shapely, sexy, all-woman lean. My fingers rested on the sliver of bare skin that had become exposed when she’d raised her arms to embrace me, and I relished the softness there.

Her head moved to the crook of my neck, and I felt her shudder, so I drew her even closer, my fingers sliding up her bare back in an attempt to comfort her. The next moment I felt a tentative brush of her lips against my skin. Right above the neckline of my shirt. I became perfectly still, wondering if I’d only imagined it.

But then she trailed her soft lips across my neck to my throat as I swallowed roughly. It felt so damn good that I couldn’t help the groan that escaped my lips shortly thereafter.

I grabbed hold of her shoulders and pushed back to look into her eyes. There was alarm there at what she’d done, certainly. Like her body had been on auto-pilot and she couldn’t stop herself. Yet there was something underneath as well. Need. Passion. Desperation.

At that realization my brain lost all logical function. I gathered her face in my hands and whispered, “What are you doing, Rach?”

She shook her head, maybe trying to clear the doubt, the shock. “I . . . I don’t know.”

My thumbs slid over her cheeks and I asked the more direct question. The one that maybe she’d been waiting for, given how she’d dealt with her emotions the past three years. “What do you need?”

In response, she closed her eyes and let out a whimper. Her hips thrust forward against mine and my dick immediately responded.

Then I felt her fingernail trail up the back of my neck, and she fisted my hair tightly in her grasp, which only lit a fire inside my chest. I realized just how fucking much I wanted her in that moment.

Except, she didn’t want me in the same way. She just wanted the idea of me. She wanted the escape I could give her. And given my history with the female population, she probably thought I knew damn well how to deliver it to her.

Sure, after downing those two shots she probably wasn’t thinking too clearly. But neither was I, because she was touching me and her hands were warm and her sounds were sexy and her eyes told me she needed me. Just for tonight.

And I’d give her whatever the hell she wanted, even if I had to forget it ever happened tomorrow. I’d do that for her. And suffer the consequences.

Before I could reason any further, she brought her other hand up and stroked the pad of her thumb across the flesh of my bottom lip. I let out a soft growl and flattened my body against hers.

Her back angled above the lip of the bar, and I positioned my groin against her smooth center as she spread her knees to adjust. And, shit, being this close to her was amazing. Fucking unbelievable. To smell her soft scent and hear the heightened arousal in her harsh breaths.

A moan tumbled from her lips and her nipples pebbled through the thin material of her shirt. I flicked my tongue along her jaw to her ear and mumbled, “Is this what you wanted?”

“Yes.” She panted out a breath, and then opened her eyes to look at me. Her pupils were clear. So damn clear in that moment. “Please.”

No question about it. I was so fucked.

Chapter Five Rachel

My entire body was thrumming with carnal lust and the need to escape into someone else, the way I usually did these days. This was so damn wrong, but something about it felt so fucking right. More right than any of my past conquests had ever felt.

Maybe because this was Kai and he was familiar to me—and so different from all of the other guys. He smelled unbelievable—like a mix of pine and spice—and even the hint of weed was working for me, surprising enough. Maybe I was getting a contact buzz. God knows I’d lost my brain cells somewhere back at that party.

His biceps were bulging beneath his T-shirt, strands of his hair were coming loose from his elastic tie, and he looked beyond sexy.

I figured he knew how to be with all kinds of girls. Hell, I’d seen him with tons of girls over the years. So maybe he would know how to be with me. Just this once.

In the back of my foggy brain I knew this might change us. Would change us. Unless we both took it for what it was. We were both good at this sort of meaningless hookup, weren’t we?

As my back scraped against the bar and I felt his body mold to mine, I lost all lucid thought. My thighs were spread wide to accommodate him and I was desperate for release. To feel his rough hands on me. To taste his tongue in my mouth.

Why hadn’t he just left me alone? I could’ve been screwing somebody else’s brains out by now—someone from the local bar. Yeah, even though everyone around here knew me, and word would probably spread fast if someone saw me leaving that pub.

But Kai wouldn’t tell anyone if we were together tonight.

What do you need, he had asked—it was like he knew me. Saw inside me. I’d shaken my head as if I didn’t know, but the truth was that I had been too ashamed to admit it. I needed a warm body. I needed his warm body.

His eyes were hooded and filled with so much desire that I almost wanted to look away from the truth hidden inside them. He studied my mouth, corner to corner, and then slid his gaze up to meet mine. A fireworks display of yearning exploded inside me.

“I know he left you,” Kai said with a gravelly voice that was like fingernails sliding up my bare skin. I could hardly focus on the meaning behind the words. His head bent forward, his mouth finding my ear. “But look at you now. Strong. Confident. Gorgeous.”

“You left me, too.” I didn’t even know where the words had come from. From somewhere deep inside my body. Deep inside my soul.

He braced his arms against the bar and flicked his penetrating gaze to my eyes.

“Is that what you believe?” As if on cue, tears began to pool behind my eyes again.

“I . . . I don’t know.” I shook my head. Why had I said that? Maybe I had always wanted him to know. That I had needed him to stay. “Ye . . . yes.”

“Fuck, Rach.” His voice sounded tortured as he grabbed on to the back of my head and tugged me closer to him. “I never left you. Never.”

Kai’s warm heat was wrapped around me. His heady scent was potent now—soap and spice, and all man. It made my brain all kinds of fuzzy.

My lips skimmed along his neck, and I pinned his earlobe between my teeth. “Show me, Kai. Show me that you didn’t leave me.”

A low groan escaped his mouth right before his fingers tunneled deeper through my hair, the pads of his thumbs mapping patterns against the hollow of my throat.

His mouth hovered close to mine. So damn close that I could feel the current running between our lips, like a magnetic force drawing us together.

I could see him deliberating—his midnight eyes were deep pools of wonder and lust and heat, and I wanted to swim in them, get lost in them tonight.

Kai’s lips brushed mine—a barely-there kiss—and the hairs on my arms stood at attention.

His mouth was soft and his lips tender as he applied gentle pressure again. I closed my eyes and hummed from the sensation.

“Rachel,” he whispered, and my entire body erupted into flames.

My tongue flitted out and skimmed his lower lip.

“Goddamn.” His lips became harder, more insistent, as if he were attempting to brand me. His tongue slashed past my lips and entered my mouth—hot, wet, and demanding. His tongue ring scraped over my teeth, acting like a tuning fork inside my body.

The metal ball swiped against my tongue, teeth, and the roof of my mouth, creating a sensation I’d never felt before. I was beyond turned on. Ready to combust.

I let out a long moan that only urged him on. He bit my bottom lip, swiped the tip of his tongue across the sensitive skin there and then moved on to my jawline, taking pieces of me as he went.

His hips thrust forward and I wrapped my legs around his waist, allowing our hot centers to collide. We were all lips and teeth and heavy breathing as we devoured each other. His tongue licked and tangled with mine as he tugged at my hair, making me even more frantic for him.

Never had I kissed someone like this before. Sure, there had been horny and sloppy make-out sessions with guys. This was altogether something different. We were pouring ourselves into each other. Like we were filling each other up before becoming empty again.

And Kai. God, Kai.

He was kissing me like he needed to memorize my lips, my tongue, and my taste.

My tears continued to fall along my cheeks not only because I was sad and confused from earlier, but also because what I was experiencing in this moment with Kai was mind-boggling. Startling. Fucking incredible. Too strong for words.

I never wanted it to end. I wanted him to fill all of me. To consume me. To make his way inside of me.

My fingers reached out and clutched him through the front of his jeans. He was hard and huge and ready in my grasp. He ripped his mouth away from mine and hissed through his teeth.

Yanking my hands away from his zipper, he laced his fingers through both of mine and then pulled them behind my back. “Turn around.”

His voice was so commanding and thrilling that I immediately did as he said. I swung around on the barstool so that my ass was against his front, my heart crashing through my chest. He still had my arms tucked behind my back with one of his hands, like he was holding me captive. And in that moment I would have stayed his prisoner forever. Would have done anything he asked.

“I’ll help you take the edge off,” he growled into my hair. “I’ll make you feel good tonight.”

Then he slid his palm along my stomach and up the middle of my chest before finally cupping my breast. He huffed out a breath that matched my own. “Shit.”

He pinched my nipple through the fabric of my tank top and I nearly came undone right then and there. I arched my back and swayed sideways, and he adjusted his legs around my thighs to keep me upright. I could feel the swollen length of him digging into my back.

He let go of my arms and in a gruff voice said, “Brace your hands on the bar and keep them there.”

The authority in his voice was making my stomach do somersaults and the area between my legs throb with desire. He’d always been so mesmerizing. Mysterious even.

And in the hospital, I’d witnessed his tender and compassionate side. But I’d always wondered what he did with all those girls, even tried to ask him, but he’d never shared.

I’d fantasized about this very thing. Despite being only a year older, he had definitely been the more experienced of the two of us. But not anymore. I felt confident, completely alive in my own skin, like I could match him turn for turn.

I liked to be in charge, too. “Are you going to fuck me, Kai?”

He drew out a low and long groan that seemed to last an entire minute. Finally he said, “Shit, Rachel. Hearing that from you . . .”

I didn’t want him to finish that sentence. I was afraid it would end with a phrase like “kid sister” or some other term that would ruin this for us. Ruin this image I was evoking for him now. I wasn’t the same girl I had been with Miles. I was someone who could take control and make a man feel good, too—if only he’d let me.

His other hand came around to tug on my other nipple while he sucked on the back of my neck. I moaned and pushed my ass toward him, asking for more.

“Not tonight,” he said, breathless. And I sagged against him in frustration. “But I’ll take care of you.”

My chest flipped at his words. I prayed he’d keep indulging me.

“Tell me what you want,” he growled in my ear.

Now gasping in anticipation, I begged, “Touch me. Please.”

His fingers slid down my arms to my thighs, and I opened my legs with eagerness. His teeth tugged on my earlobe as his hands inched upward.

Finally one long finger skimmed over my denim-covered center, and my chest heaved. I closed my eyes in gratification, my head falling back against his shoulder.

“You like that?” he mumbled.

“Yes.”

Two of his fingers teased along the edge of my shorts. It was a torturous kind of pleasure. Maybe he was deciding whether or not to take this to a whole other level. I held my breath and dreamed he’d keep touching me, ignoring the voice in the back of my head urging me to stop this madness.

His fingers skirted between the denim of my shorts and the silk of my underwear to the area right above my center. “Damn, you’re soaked.”

His hot breath was on my ear, while his other hand continued to cup my breast.

I squirmed on the stool, attempting to get his fingers to travel downward. I was beyond listening to any voice of reason. I only wanted release and I only wanted it from him. I couldn’t remember another time in my life that I’d been this turned on.

Finally the tips of his fingers traveled a couple centimeters south to my epicenter. When he touched my rigid nub through the fabric of my panties, it felt like a million pinpricks were arresting my body. He blew a harsh breath against my hair as I squeeze my eyes tight, hoping he’d keep his fingers there and give me more. So much more.

“You’re so fucking hot,” he said. “And I’m going to make you come on my fingers.”

His words alone sent my senses into a complete tailspin. I felt the anticipation building low in my belly as all of my nerve endings seemed to pulse simultaneously, making my breasts feel heavy and my nipples ultrasensitive.

When his fingers began moving against me, the whole world seemed to halt to a standstill, as if the singular sensation was focused between my legs. He alternated between swirling fast and then painstakingly slow, and then everything began tingling—my spine, my toes, even the roots of my hair.

His hand closed in on my swollen center, pinching and tugging, and I let out a breathy gasp. The slick material of my underwear created a friction that almost sent me skyward. He rubbed his finger up and down my slit and then returned to rubbing my tender nub, all the while breathing against my neck and whispering his intentions in my ear.

“Picture me kneeling between your legs,” he said in a quiet rumble. “You’re spread wide open for me. And my tongue is doing dirty things to you.”

I was whimpering and moving my hips in an upward rhythm against his hand.

“I’m licking and sucking and you taste so fucking good.”

“Oh shit,” I breathed out.

“Would you like that, Rachel?” he murmured.

“Yes. Oh God, yes,” I bit out between clenched teeth.

“Say my name.” His voice was gravelly and authoritative.

I’d do anything he asked at that point.

But I could barely concentrate on saying that one syllable. “K . . . Kai.”

My hips swayed and my ass ground against him.

“Say it again,” he growled as he tugged at my swollen nub.

Warmth spread through my limbs like hot lava and then finally erupted. “Kai, oh fuck, Kai.” Flames licked menacingly at my center, and I arched my spine as I came hard against his fingers.

He stilled the palm of his hand against me as unintelligible words fell from my lips. My legs shook and then gave out as they sank in defeat to the sides of the barstool.

His forearm braced me across my stomach and his other hand brushed my hair away from my neck in a soothing motion. For several long moments I caught my breath and floated back down to the land of the living. His lips swept along the top of my hair before he gave my head one firm and final peck.

“You ever need to work stuff out, you come find me—understand?” I’d become the irritating younger sister again. My gaze flashed up toward him as shock crashed down on me about what we’d done. What I’d done.

He shook his head as if to warn me against speaking, and then his arm tunneled beneath my legs. His other arm supported my back as he scooped me into his arms. My eyes opened wide in alarm as he stalked toward my bedroom. My fingers reached up to run along the scruff at his jaw, and he jerked his face away.

He sat down hard on the edge of my bed and then laid me down on my sheets.

I studied his face, terrified that I’d ruined everything. An enormous amount of guilt and fear and pain swept over me.

His fingers reached out and stroked my hair away from my face in a gentle gesture that confused me even more. Was he angry, or did he accept what we’d done?

There’d been a tenderness in his eyes right before they turned distant. Frustrated. Perturbed, almost.

“Kai, I—”

“Fuck, Rach,” he growled, cutting me off. “Just . . . sleep it off.”

Then he was gone.

I lay there staring at the ceiling, my heart bouncing around in my chest until my vision blurred and I fell into a fitful sleep.

Chapter Six Kai

I was too damn worked up about what had just gone down between Rachel and me. There was no way in hell I could fall asleep right now.

All I could think about was the way she’d felt in my arms—soft and vulnerable. The way her lips and tongue had moved against mine. How she’d sounded when she said my name and then came against my fingers.

I lifted my dumbbells from the corner of the room and started with bicep curls. Before the night was over, I’d probably get through my entire workout routine. It was a healthy habit I had picked up in Amsterdam during a particularly stressful afternoon at the studio. And somehow I figured it balanced out my unhealthy vices.

Johan had a weight machine and barbells laying around in the back room, and he’d taught me some simple exercises. I’d go back there and work out my frustrations on practically a daily basis. At night, I’d head to my favorite “coffee shop,” also known as a hash bar, and work out my troubled head in a different way—only to wake up the next morning and do it all over again.

After my twelfth rep, I focused on my quivering muscles instead of my desire to head straight back into Rachel’s room and lay down beside her. I wanted to pull her body taut with mine and smell her again. Taste the skin on her neck and whisper in her ear.

But that would have only confused the situation further. I needed to steel my emotions away. What happened tonight was just a fling to her. It was the same thing she’d been doing the last few years at college. I was just another guy she’d hooked up with. Used to make herself sane.

It had taken every sober brain cell I had to stop me from sinking myself deep inside of her. Because if I had, I’d be an even bigger wreck than I was right now. For her, this was about forgetting Miles, not about sharing something with me.

My phone buzzed with a text message from Dakota.

Dakota: How is she? Did she beat your butt for jumping in the car?

Shit, I’d forgotten that at any moment Dakota could’ve walked through that door and caught us in a compromising position.

Me: She’s going to be fine. Already asleep. Took a couple of shots to get her there.

Dakota: I don’t doubt it. K, gonna crash here. I don’t want to hear anything about it. You’ve been gone for 3 years & I’ve taken care of myself just fine.

Me: Whatever. Shane better give you a bed to sleep in. Alone. See you in the morning.

That motherfucker better not try anything with Dakota. Of course I knew that my best friend had a crush on my sister on and off through high school, but no way did I need them to have a drunken hookup over the summer. Or even date and then break up. It would’ve been all kinds of awkward between the three of us for all of eternity.

Hell, I was being a damn hypocrite. Rachel was practically a member of the family and look what line I’d crossed tonight. I brushed my fingers through my hair and paced around the room. Dakota had never given me any kind of warning about Rachel, because, even though Rachel and I were friends, Dakota thought we were interested in different things. Different people. No way could she have ever suspected how my feelings for Rachel had grown before I left for Amsterdam, could she?

And Rachel. Never would I have expected her to be attracted to me. I knew she was only interested in sex, sure. But I also knew I had never been her type. Somehow that had changed tonight. Damn, the way she’d begged me for it. At this rate, I’d be hard for two more hours.

I set down the weights and stalked toward my upright bass, pulled it off its stand, and positioned myself behind it. I placed my fingers on the strings and began playing something I’d been working on since moving back home.

I was never one to use a bow for the upright bass or even a pick with my electric bass—I preferred hammering away at the strings with my bare hands. It felt more organic that way, as if I were one with the music. Some of the best musicians I’d ever had the privilege of hearing used only their fingers, so I figured I was in good company.

The pads of my fingers had long since developed a thick skin. If I didn’t play for a few weeks—which almost never happened—a painful process would occur all over again. Blisters would turn into scabs and then into dense and unyielding calluses. My hands would never be the same again.

I’d first heard the upright bass at an orchestra concert in middle school. It was a Christmas program I’d begged my mother to take me to, despite the cost of the tickets. My father had tried to steer me toward the football field or basketball court, but I wanted nothing to do with sports. I was playing the piano and guitar at that point, and my teachers had told my parents that I was a natural, talented beyond my years.

Since that night, the sound of the upright bass had always calmed me. It has a low rumble, concentrated and deep. I loved the way it added such a rich layer to jazz and the blues, just as an electric bass grounds all the textures together in rock music. I liked to play either instrument, depending on my mood.

I’d always enjoyed working with my hands. Even dabbled in art and photography, but music was my first love. My original band was Shane, Joe, Logan, and me in my parents’ basement rec room in the eighth grade. We mostly just messed around, but I was probably the most serious about it in the group.

By high school, while they had moved on to other things, I continued playing in several different bands, performing at parties and even at some bars. I was heavy into smoking dope and could have sworn some of my best music was written while I was flying high.

In Amsterdam, I became a damn competent studio engineer. I loved working with new talent who’d come in to record their first albums. If they were a shitty band, no amount of engineering could help, especially if they ever wanted to play live. I’d tell them that they’d have to lip synch forever, or they could practice hard for the next several weeks, then come back and try again instead. Some bands told me to fuck off. Had their eyes so set on fame that they ignored my advice and then fell flat on their faces months later.

My other favorite part of working in the studio was sitting in on bass, or any other instrument, when a band needed extra sound for their demo. I loved losing myself in the music. Creating something new with people I’d never met.

I lit up a joint with the hope that it would help me unwind and actually fall asleep tonight. I was going to work for my father in the morning, and I needed to get my head screwed on straight, so I only took a couple of hits. I didn’t want him to see that my eyes were red or glassy.

Dad had said he was done with me and the music biz, and that I owed him, needed to pay him back after I’d messed up so royally in Amsterdam. And I knew he was right.

Besides, in a lot of ways, I was still the same screw-up I was in high school. A kid who needed to put in extra hours just to earn passing grades. I still couldn’t make it on my own, not yet. Not with only my music to support me. But sooner or later, I would have to prove to him that I could. Prove it to myself, really.

I padded out into the kitchen for a glass of water and then made my way down the hall to Rachel’s room. I opened the door a crack to make sure she was still asleep. A totally brainless and dangerous thing to do—watching her lying there in only her tank top and underwear after I’d helped remove her shorts so she’d be more comfortable. I could’ve slipped inside those sheets so easily and held her all night.

I couldn’t shake the words Rachel had uttered right before I had kissed the hell out of her. She said that I had left her. How was that even possible? She had been the one to pull back, to escape to a college so far away from home.

I considered what a rough time it must’ve been for her. She probably felt like everyone was moving on without her. And I never wanted her to feel that way again.

Just as I pulled her door closed my phone buzzed with a text. It was from Julia, my old high school fling who had also been at the party.

Julia: Everything okay with Rachel? Miles got stinking drunk after she left and spouted off about how miserable he was that she wouldn’t even talk to him.

Me: Poor fucking baby. Yeah, she’s fine. Thanks for checking in.

Julia: No problem. How about you? Are you fine? I’m up at Lucy’s Bar. Miles just left here with some group of friends from college. Want to hang out?

I knew that meant she wanted to hook up. I still had a semi hard-on but the thought of being with anyone other than Rachel made my libido shoot way down.

Still, Rachel would’ve probably expected me to move on to the next girl. For now, I’d let her keep thinking that, just in case it would make her comfortable touching me. But the truth was: I’d rather get off on only my fantasies of her than sleep with somebody else.

At least until the summer was over and she was gone.

Me: Sorry. I’m beat. Catch you another time.

Then I crashed against my sheets, sleep finally consuming me.

Chapter Seven Rachel

I woke in a bleary-eyed haze. I was only in my tank and underwear—no pajamas, no shorts from last night. How had that happened? I felt tender in certain areas of my body, like my neck, my nipples, and between my legs. And then it all came rushing back. My heart thundered in my chest, and I felt panic rise up in my throat.

A faint recollection of the sound of Kai playing his upright bass in the middle of the night came to me. It kept lulling me back to sleep because I always found his music hypnotic and soothing. Had he stayed up until all hours feeling guilty over what happened between us?

I immediately sat up and considered that I may have ruined our friendship. Ruined one of the most constant things in my life with one of the most important people I’d ever had the honor of befriending.

What the fuck had I done?

It was bound to be awkward between us now.

Why did I seem determined to destroy relationships with all the guys in my life?

I needed to drag my ass out of bed, find him, and tell him I was sorry. Ask him to forgive me. I flung my legs over the bed and then held on to my roiling stomach.

I ran for the bathroom and threw up the contents of my alcohol feast from last night. I’d done those shots at the bar in the kitchen and that’s when everything with Kai had gone downhill fast. But he had smelled so good and felt so right.

I brushed my teeth, slid into a pair of jeans, and listened for noises in the house. It didn’t sound like Dakota was home. Had she crashed at Shane’s house? She could have walked in on Kai and me last night. And in the throes of passion, I wouldn’t have given a fuck. But now I certainly did.

I didn’t hear Kai rummaging around in the house either. Maybe I missed him. Maybe he took off early to get away from me. All because I couldn’t get a grip on seeing Miles. I was such a fucking mess. I’d been home all of two weeks and already couldn’t handle being back.

I opened the door and padded to the living room. My heart lurched when I saw Kai out on the balcony. He was sitting in one of the wicker chairs, his fingers gripping a cup of coffee and his feet resting on the ledge.

I fought the image that swelled inside me. The image of me climbing into his lap, into the warmth of his strong arms, and our watching the sunrise together.

Instead I reached for a mug from the cupboard and poured myself a huge cup of coffee. The first sip was heavenly. Determined to make things right, I strode to the screen door.

I heard Kai’s muffled words. “Understood, Dad.”

I realized now that he had placed his cell phone on the table, set to speaker. I recognized Mr. Nakos’s strong, deep voice. He sounded frustrated. The only words I could make out were smoking dope, company policy, and then, show some respect. I’d heard many such arguments between them over the years, but Kai was always good at shrugging them off.

He didn’t even seem that bothered right now. His voice was calm and steady. “Okay, Dad. See you in a bit.”

Sliding open the door as gently as possible, Kai’s shoulders instantly became rigid. My stomach tightened into a fist and the only thought I could muster was that I’d take it all back—everything we’d done, how he’d made me feel—just to hang on to our friendship.

My voice broke. “K . . . Kai.” He didn’t turn to look at me, just raised his cup to his mouth to take another sip. The only telltale sign of his emotions was the mild tremor of his fingers as they grasped the handle. I rounded his chair to stand in front of him.

I sucked in a breath at Kai’s effortless beauty. Did he even understand the effect he had on the female population? Today he wore an army-green T-shirt that made his bronze skin glint in the sunlight. The name Charles Mingus was splashed across the front in bold white letters. His jeans were a dark wash and his tan feet were bare.

I fidgeted, placing one of my feet on top of the other, while he stared up at me, his gaze as strong as steel. I couldn’t stop myself from looking at his full lips and imagining how rough and then soft they’d been against me last night. His words were also brazen and then smooth, and I recalled how the juxtaposition had turned me on full throttle.

I couldn’t see the outline of his nipple piercings through the thick material of his shirt, but I knew they were there and I remembered how they’d felt against my back. Before my nipples could respond in kind, I turned away to gaze at the skyline over the balcony.

“Morning, Rach.” Kai’s voice was low and gruff, and I was grateful just to hear the sound of it. “How are you feeling?”

I shook my head and turned to look at him. I needed to talk about what I’d done. I didn’t give a damn about how I was feeling. I deserved to puke my guts out for days on end. “Kai, I—”

“Don’t say it, Rachel.” His hand shot out, and he winced. “It’s cool, okay?”

“Is it?” I sank into the chair across from him.

“Of course it is, Turtle,” he said matter-of-fact, like maybe he’d had just this kind of conversation with countless women. Maybe girls who wanted more from him the following morning. I imagined him letting them down easy. Saying everything was cool. And the thought of that made my stomach twist. I swallowed the bile rising at the back of my throat.

“It doesn’t feel like it, though,” I said. And now I probably just sounded whiny. “I mean, we’ve been friends forever.”

“Yes, we have. And we know each other pretty well,” he said, adjusting himself in his seat. “For example, had I not been with you last night, you would have stopped at Lucy’s Bar and went inside. Am I right?”

God, how had he known?

“Maybe.” I shrugged. “Is that why you . . . did what you did?”

Now I probably did sound like one of those girls he let down easy.

“No!” he protested. “At least, not exactly. I mean, fuck, Rachel, you were kind of hard to resist. Do you not realize how sexy you can be?”

I felt my whole body heating up at his comment. He pushed a hand through his hair, clearly frustrated.

“That doesn’t change the fact that I started it . . . the thing that happened between us last night.” I yanked my knees up to my body. “I’ll always regret that.”

A dark cloud passed through his eyes before he recovered. I’d hurt his feelings. Or maybe his pride. I was fucking this up big-time. “That’s not what I meant, Kai. All I was trying to say was . . .”

“We’re not that different, Rachel. We both like sex,” he huffed out. “It helps take the edge off. Though I suspect you might use it for different reasons.”

“What the hell does that mean?” I said, sitting up. Now I was the annoyed one.

“You use it to get lost,” he said, as if it were that simple. “To help you forget.”

I folded my arms across my chest. “The same way you use pot?”

I expected him to get angry, call me a nag. Accuse me of eavesdropping on his phone conversation with his father. His head sloped to the side, a ruddiness growing on his cheeks. “Maybe.”

“Well, I don’t like it when you do that,” I said, standing up and pacing the length of the balcony. “But I know you get enough flack. I’m not the boss of you.”

He looked like he wanted to say something, but he bit his tongue. Instead he just shook his head, the beginnings of a smirk lining the corners of his mouth.

“Look, no one has to find out what happened between us.” He moved his legs when I passed by him to pace in the opposite direction.

“You know Dakota would flip.” I turned, fisting the ends of my tank top.

His gaze followed my hands, as if remembering just where his fingers had been. I promptly dropped my arms to my sides.

“So just between us, then?” he asked.

I finally stopped my forward motion and slid back into my seat. “It’s a deal.”

He reached out his hand. “Shake on it?”

I shook my head. “Pinky swear.”

The pinky swear used to drive Kai nuts when Dakota and I were kids, because we’d use it for every single damn thing. And he always said it made no sense. So sometimes we did it just to bug the crap out of him.

“If you insist.” He held out his pinky with a lopsided grin that brightened all the gloomy corners of my heart. We hooked fingers, and I felt the tingle of his warm skin all the way down to my toes.

I breathed a sigh of relief that Kai was cool and mature enough to smooth things over between us. If only I could ignore that little fluttering in my belly every time I thought about where his lips had been.

I’d admit to being a little hurt that he didn’t seem fazed by being in my presence this morning—but having his friendship back was all that mattered in the end.

“So what are you going to do about Miles?” Kai’s jaw ticked. “I’m assuming he wanted to talk and you refused.”

I turned toward him. “How in the hell do you do that, you asshat?”

His eyebrows slammed together. “Do what?”

I squeezed my eyes shut, a dull headache throbbing in the back of my skull. “Know me so well.”

“We have history, Turtle,” he said. “We’ve been through a lot together.”

“This is true.” But we’d never known that other part of each other. The one we discovered last night. Sure, I’d fantasized about it briefly through the years. But it was just a passing curiosity.

Besides, I had never taken him seriously. He’d been with so many girls. But he’d never been a dick to them. They just seemed to know the score.

Still, it turned me off. Or at least I told myself it did, even as I imagined him kissing me in the exact same way I’d caught him kissing any number of girls over the years. The only time he seemed to cool it was during my hospital stay. Not that I had the wherewithal to pay attention to that aspect of his life during that time.

Kai leaned forward and tapped my knee with his hand. “So maybe you need closure with that asshole.” I looked down at his strong and callused fingers. Would I ever be able to get over the fact that those hands had been all over me?

I groaned and slumped farther down in my seat. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”

“You’re a different person now.” He bowed his head to meet my eyes. “Maybe seeing him for who he is will help you leave the past behind.”

I bit my lip, considering the truth of his words. “Since when did you get so smart?”

“Since always.” A cocky grin lifted his cheeks and made my chest ache. When it came down to it, I loved Kai for his friendship, for his honesty, for his loyalty. I don’t want that to ever go away.

I placed my head in my hands. “Gah, I was so afraid I’d ruined our friendship.”

I felt a warm hand on my back and raised my head to look at him. “Kai, you’re . . . very important to me. You know that, right?”

His eyes connected to mine so firmly it was as if we’d been woven into the same patchwork quilt. Each essential to the fiber of the material. And to each other.

“You’re important to me, too,” he said, almost breathless. “No matter what.”

My chest threatened to burst open, so I needed to lighten the mood before I asked him to pull me into his lap. Kiss me. Fuel me. Make me come alive again.

“So, you just go back to being a jackass and I’ll . . .”

“And you’ll go back to being your annoying and obnoxious self?” He reached out and messed with my hair. “And slow as shit. Shelly.”

I grinned. “Works for me.”

Yet something still didn’t sit well. I felt like something was off between us. Or just lost.

He balanced his empty coffee cup on his lap. “But I won’t stop worrying or caring about you, got it?”

I felt my cheeks redden with some residual anger. He’d walked away and yet he now claimed he worried about me? I knew I had no right to feel that way. He had been so supportive, so caring and accommodating.

But he’d also been a screw-up, getting himself in trouble with his band mate and being told in no uncertain terms by his father to leave town. It was irrational to think that he should have held it together for me.

How ridiculous did that sound—we weren’t even dating.

He was just living his life as he always had. I should’ve just been grateful that he had taken the time to visit me every day in the rehab center. I’d felt so close to him back then and maybe that was part of the problem. I felt as if I knew him. Really knew him. I had shared so many pieces of myself with him.

But at times he seemed to hold himself back. I didn’t always know what was going on beneath the pain in his eyes. He would go out and party and get himself in trouble yet again. But friends were supposed to accept each other, faults and all, right? I needed to get over myself.

“We haven’t been around each other in years,” I said, trying to keep the bitterness in my voice at bay. “I’ve taken care of myself just fine.”

“So I’ve heard.”

My head snapped up. There was no denying the sullenness present in his voice.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.” He leaned all the way back in his chair, propping his feet up again. “Forget I said that.”

“No.” I pushed at his legs to get his full attention. “Talk, right now. Say what you want to say. No secrets.”

He hesitated as if formulating the right words. “I’ve been checking up on you.”

“What? How?” I moved my lips to say something else but no words would come out. I couldn’t imagine what he was about to tell me. Had he known someone I’d fucked around with? A sickening dread climbed its way up my throat and I balled my fists as I waited for his reply.

That’s when I saw the regret that filled his eyes. “My cousin Nate.”

“Nate,” I parroted back. I tried to jog my memory as to who Nate could’ve been. I may not have remembered all the guys I’d made out with, but I certainly remembered the guys I’d slept with. Usually they were guys I already knew. And they were almost always jocks. I had a thing for athletes. I liked their dedication to the game and—who was I kidding—their huge muscles and tight asses in those uniforms.

“He knows you from TSU,” Kai said. “Some parties. A couple of classes.”

Realization washed over me. That Nate. Bennett’s friend. Suddenly I was so damn grateful I’d never hooked up with him. He wasn’t my type and wasn’t anyone I wanted to have angry or hard-up sex with. Thank God.

“Nate is your cousin? But you don’t look anything alike. . . .” My words trailed off and he waited to see if I’d put two and two together. Nate had blond hair and looked like the boy next door. Definitely all-American. But not Native American. “Is he a cousin on your mother’s side?”

Kai nodded.

“So . . . what about it?” I said. “Out with it.”

“He told me stuff . . . about you.” He watched me vigilantly, like maybe I’d slug him any minute or something.

I folded my knees to my chest, maybe in an effort to protect myself. “Like what?”

“That you liked your . . . athletes.”

“Fuck.” I pushed my fingers through my hair in a flustered rush. I thought of the parties Nate and I had both been to where I’d flirt with the jocks and then either make out with someone or go home with them.

I never stayed after sex. I never wanted to. At the beginning, it felt like I was taking a stab at Miles. I felt strong and confident, determined to shit all over his memory. But then it changed to need fulfillment. It became a way for me to live out my ridiculous fantasies of him still wanting me.

“But it makes sense,” Kai said. “That’s why you chose to go away to college. To make a fresh start.”

I nodded, my lips too numb to make a sound. I rocked back and forth in my chair.

“You were working out everything that happened to you. Maybe you didn’t want to be that same girl anymore.”

Finally my lips became unstuck. “I didn’t. I don’t want to be her ever again.”

“Believe it or not, I liked that other girl,” he said. “The girl you were before you were with Miles. That girl was cool and funny as hell. She was confident and amazing. Confident in a different way. More self-assured.”

I shook my head. I sure as hell wasn’t confident back then. At least not with guys.

“And now?” I whispered. I felt like I was on display. Like he was chipping away at my exterior, trying to see deep inside.

“You’re that same girl . . . but on speed.” He grinned. “And maybe seeing Miles brought it all to the surface. Your way of working through it might not accomplish anything anymore. At least not at home. Not where people will talk.”

All I could do was study him. He always knew the right things to say. He’d been better at fixing me than he’d been at fixing himself.

“So if you feel like you’ve got something to work out, come find me again. Our secret, remember?” His eyes flared briefly with passion. He had been remembering our night. Maybe he’d enjoyed kissing me, too. It certainly appeared as if he had. A shiver raced down my spine.

He seemed adamant that it wouldn’t ruin our friendship. But just in case, I didn’t plan on asking him to take care of my needs ever again.

“Only if you come find me when you’re tempted to smoke an entire bowl of weed,” I hissed. His eyebrows rose in midair. “Use me, too. We’re not that different, remember?’

He sighed. “I remember.”

Chapter Eight Kai

I pulled into the underground garage of the Golden Arrow Casino and the attendant waved me in. My head was still buzzing from my conversation with Rachel. Damn, when she told me I was important to her, all my feelings for her had been on the very tip of my tongue.

But she was so afraid of ruining our friendship that I needed to make sure I tucked my feelings away. She’d spent the past three years trying to work out her problems emotionally—and physically—and eventually, her strategy would fall flat in the face of reality.

Just like it had for me. Little did she realize that I’d curbed my own behavior after I’d fallen for her. In years past, no one made me feel anything. I was all about having a good time. But once I recognized the way I felt about Rachel, she changed that and everything else in the world paled in comparison. Everyone else.

Rachel was a like a shock of red in a dreary sea of gray.

I parked in the employee row of spaces and then took the elevator to the second floor. Looking around at the new patterned carpet in the entryway to the lobby, I realized how long it’d been since I’d stepped foot in my family’s casino.

Being here reminded me of our roots. Faces that looked like mine. The bronze skin, dark eyes, thick ebony hair. Some of our people still wore it braided down their backs out of pride for our heritage.

A couple of women wearing the traditional buckskin dress at the entrance to the gift shop bowed to me out of fucking respect. That had always been something to get used to. One older gentleman I didn’t recognize straight away clunked me on the back as I strode by him at the blackjack table. “Long time no see, Shiye.”

I turned to look into his deep-set black eyes. My parents had taught me good manners, especially about respecting one’s elders, so I stopped to speak to him. Besides, I was already on their shit list after my father’s phone call this morning. “Sam, yá’át’ééh. Nice to see you. How have you been?”

He looked down at the deck of cards in his hand. Time had not been kind to him. Wrinkles lined his mouth and forehead, and there were bags beneath his eyes. Had he had patrons at his seats, there would be no time for small talk. But the place was mostly empty. At least at the gambling tables, which always saw more action in the evenings. The slots machines looked to be about half-full.

I stole a look at the clock just beyond the giant crystal chandelier. If Sam didn’t hurry, I’d be late, and then dad would accuse me of getting high this morning. Not that I hadn’t considered it. “Well, my grandson has been pretty sick.”

“Gosh, I’m sorry to hear that,” I said, trying to sound more interested. The old man seemed pretty upset, so maybe his grandson didn’t just have the flu. “Which grandson is this?”

“Micah,” he said almost reverently. “He’s going to need a transplant.”

That made me turn my full attention to him. “What kind of transplant?”

“Heart,” he said. “He’s been placed on a list. We’ve all been pitching in trying to keep his spirits up, and your parents have been great about allowing me to trade shifts from time to time.”

“I’m so sorry. Please know that he’s in my thoughts.” I knew everything there was to know about trying to keep a hospitalized person’s spirits up. “If you ever need anything.”

I motioned to my father’s office and turned to walk away.

But his soft and tentative voice called me back. “Well, since you asked . . .” I couldn’t imagine what he could possibly want from me. Did he need me to take a shift? I certainly hadn’t gone to dealer training, but I wouldn’t put it past my father to ask me to get my license or any other license required to work in his casino. I’d put it off for far too long.

I took a step back toward him. “What is it?”

“Maybe you could visit Micah sometime. He likes rock music and, well, you study music and play in bands. Maybe you could bring your guitar and keep him company some afternoon.”

I was struck speechless. How bad off was this kid? The look of anguish on his grandfather’s face might have said it all. “Sure, Sam, anytime. But right now I gotta get on the clock. So let me ask you about visiting hours later.”

“Do your father proud,” he said as I strode away from him.

I knocked on the office door before firmly twisting the knob. I heard my father’s deep, rich voice as I pushed it open. “Come in.”

Mom was the first person I saw as I entered the lush space. She sat behind a small oak desk at the back of the room right beneath a giant portrait of a Navajo warrior in battle. She had her own office upstairs, but my parents always hung out in the same space, so it was no surprise to see them together. Mom rose first to greet me, stepping around my father’s large desk, which took up most of the middle of the room.

“There’s my favorite guy.” She tugged me into her arms, and I felt how thin and bony she was. My father was a tall and imposing man, so next to him she looked like a porcelain doll.

I kissed her cheek and pulled away. “Hi, Mom.”

Then I looked over at my father. He stood behind his desk and stretched out his hand as if I was a new employee or something. And maybe that was the message he was trying to send.

“Dad.” I reached over to grab his hand, and he gave me two solid claps on the back. “Have a seat, son.”

He only used that formal tone when I was about to be reamed out. I figured he’d gotten it all out on the phone that morning, but maybe he had more to say. Even behind closed doors, my father was the consummate professional in his place of business. Suddenly I was thankful this meeting hadn’t taken place at their house instead. Even though I was an adult, I still sometimes felt like a twelve year old who’d just been caught taking a sip from his father’s beer when I was reprimanded there.

My father cleared his throat. “I’m glad you decided to work here this summer.”

I worded my response carefully. “Not sure I had much of a choice, Dad.”

My ears automatically tuned into the sound of the lame elevator music piping through the speakers. My thoughts veered off to the idea of creating different mood music in the casino before I realized I had totally tuned my father out. Fuck.

I heard my father sigh, and when I looked up his face was beet-red. “Have you heard anything I’ve said?”

“Of course I have,” I snapped, in a lame attempt to convince him. Besides, I’d heard all of his lectures before. Even the ones about smoking pot. “Whatever you need, Dad.”

“Look, son,” he said, sitting back down in his seat. “You tried it your way. Now let’s try it my way.”

I looked him directly in the eyes. The eyes that I’d respected and admired my whole life. “Is it your way or the highway?”

“Knock it off, Kai,” he rumbled, and I sat up straighter. His voice still had the power to disarm me. “Do you have a better idea for making a living?”

He had me there. He wasn’t going to spot me any more cash. And playing gigs paid shit. And I certainly didn’t want to flip burgers or put on a monkey suit for an office job.

Mom came up behind me and placed her hands on my shoulders. “Honey, I really want you to finish your degree somewhere in the fall. Have you thought about that any more?”

“Mom, I’m just not sure I’m cut out for school,” I said in a show of honesty. “I mean, I liked the classes I was taking, but I liked working at the studio more.”

“The classes are necessary in order to get to the thing you love,” my father said through a clenched jaw. “Haven’t you figured that out yet?”

I shrugged. “Yeah, sure. I just know music is where it’s at for me.” The only two things I’d even been good at in my life were playing music and taking care of Rachel. Even my parents told me how proud they’d been of me during her stay at the hospital.

“That’s obviously not working for you.”

“Then I’m out of ideas,” I said simply. Because it was true. I was at a roadblock. Or maybe a crossroads. Nothing really made sense anymore. Nothing ever really did to me.

My father stood to his full intimidating height. “Look around this casino, son. You’ve been given an opportunity to get an education. Something that many of our employees will never have.”

Same argument, different day. He thought he was doing a service to our people by giving them jobs and bringing money into the tribal nation. And he definitely was. But my uncle Elan disagreed. It was an old argument between him and Dad that dated back to Dad’s initial decision to invest in this casino with other tribal owners and become the majority shareholder.

Uncle Elan had argued that Dad was only adding to the problems plaguing our community. Alcoholism. Gambling. Elan mostly stayed away from the casino because of it. He’d always been inflexible. My father was stubborn as well, but he was also compassionate and giving.

But at least they both stood for something. I didn’t know where I stood on the issue. I could see both sides. And that had always been my problem. Nothing really mattered to me besides music and Rachel. I went through the motions, and if shit happened around me or to me, I just shrugged it off and kept on going.

“I understand, Dad.” I brushed my fingers through my hair in exasperation. “I’ll figure it out. I promise.”

Chapter Nine Kai

My mother, who had been raised in the Netherlands, stayed out of my dad and uncle’s argument as well. But she supported my father fully. I could see the admiration in her eyes. Privately, she told Dakota and me that every culture had examples of failures and successes—the Dutch Eighty Years’ War, for example.

Before I moved overseas, she gave me a quick lesson in her homeland’s history—about the pinnacle of her culture, called the Dutch Golden Age—which I appreciated. Amsterdam had its share of culturally tolerant and liberal thinkers, and I’d felt comfortable there—even though my heart had been someplace else—despite the fact that I was referred to as an allochtoon, the Dutch word for foreigner, everywhere I went. I snickered to myself at the memory.

My father’s booming voice brought me out of my reverie. “Today I’m putting you out on the floor under Stuart.”

“Got it.” Stuart was one of Dad’s oldest and most trusted employees.

“And you’ll get a regular paycheck,” Mom said. “Depending on how many hours you work.” Mom handled the books in the casino with a team of accountants under her. Dakota was learning the ropes from my very intelligent mother. Apparently she’d gotten all the smart genes.

According to my late grandfather, I took after some distant relative who loved smoking his peace pipe, dispensing advice to the tribe, and beating the poplar drum every morning. Cool by me. At least he’d been accepted by his people.

“I want you to take out those piercings you love so much,” Dad said.

“Honey, he’s fine,” Mom said, squeezing my shoulders. But had she known all the places where I was pierced, she’d have fainted right on the spot.

She leaned close to my ear. “Ik houd van jou.”

I love you. It’d been the phrase Dakota and I had heard our entire lives. One that was a quick reminder of our Dutch ancestry. Thanks to Mom, I’d been able to pick up basic phrases in Amsterdam like please and thank you. But I had certainly never used the words she’d just uttered with anyone besides my family.

My mother still retained a slight Dutch accent, but it really rose to the surface when she was upset or angry. That was her tell, and right now, I knew she was frustrated with my father. Probably thought he was being too rigid. But I deserved it. I’d never compare to Dakota, who had blind ambition and worked hard to please my parents and make them proud.

I’d just always preferred flying under the radar and doing my own thing. Except that plan wasn’t quite working out for me. I should’ve protested more to my manager in Amsterdam. Honestly, girls came on to me all the time. How in the hell was I supposed to know that Johan would walk in right at that moment?

Sure, I needed to cut back on the weed. It slowed my reaction time and made me care even less about the things happening around me. Even Rachel had noticed. Which was so not cool.

Last night probably needed to be my last hurrah with pot. The phone call with my father this morning was only the beginning. Mom apparently had a nice little chat with her cousin in Amsterdam about the stash of dope I’d left in a drawer. Dad said if I didn’t shape up, he’d make me submit to the company drug policy. He probably would anyway. So I’d better not come in looking like I’d smoked.

I may have stopped lighting up whether or not Rachel had asked me to. But old habits die hard, so I needed to be more determined than before. If only she’d allow me to believe that she was soley thinking of me when we’d been together last night.

I tightened my fists at the same self-loathing thoughts that had filled my head the last couple of years. When would I finally get my shit together?

My problem was that I never stood up for what I believed in. Everything I did was half-assed. I didn’t fight for Rachel, for my education, or go after the jobs I wanted. I deserved a swift kick in the balls from my parents.

I was good at making people feel things—lust, happiness, anger. But never admiration. The thought of that hit me so squarely that I was thankful to be sitting down.

“You’re not saying you’re a fan of his piercings,” my father said disapprovingly to my mother.

“No. I’m not a fan,” she said, and then stifled a grin. “Well, maybe a little.”

My father huffed, and my mother strode over, laying her hand on his arm in an intimate gesture I’d seen hundreds of time. Still, I looked away. I felt an ache—a longing, deep inside my bones.

“Have you forgotten what it was like to be young already?” she mumbled to my father. His eyes softened. “Let’s not be the type of parents who stifle their children. We never have, and I don’t want to start now.”

Mom was one of the coolest women on the planet, and I loved that she and my father were equals. She was confident and feisty and reminded me of a certain someone who wasn’t related to me. Even Dakota was practically her twin. Too bad I hadn’t inherited the confidence gene, either. Other than in the bedroom.

“Maybe that’s where we’ve gone wrong with Kai,” my father muttered, but I got the message. Typically my parents didn’t speak openly about rearing their children, but I could feel my father’s stinging disappointment from across the room. And lately it was really starting to affect me.

“It’s a good thing you’ve got Dakota to be proud of,” I said, and my father cringed. His eyes reflected regret, and I immediately felt awful.

“Son . . .” he began.

“It’s okay, Dad. I get it,” I said. “Whether you believe it or not, I actually do think that I have rocking parents.”

“And we have a rocking son,” Mom countered, but I wished it had come from my father’s lips instead. “Your father is understandably upset. I hope one day you’ll tell us what the bloody hell really happened in Amsterdam.”

“What always happens,” my father’s voice roared through the small space. “He screwed around and didn’t think about the consequences.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Dad!” I said, my own anger finally unleashing. “There’s no way in hell I screwed around with her. Do you think I have a death sentence or something? It was a total misunderstanding.”

“Then why didn’t you stand up for yourself?” Mom asked, her gaze searing into mine. “Fight for what’s right?”

My shoulders sagged. I was pretty sure my father didn’t believe me. And he had no reason to in the past. But this time had been different. “I . . . I don’t know.”

The truth was I didn’t care at the time. I was ready to come home. I hadn’t been happy for a long while. And I’d figured that since people had preconceived notions about me, why try to change them?

“When are you going to finally settle down, son?” my father said, quieter this time. As if the fight had gone out of him. “Figure out a way to make a decent living. Make some girl proud.”

“He’ll find himself a nice girl when he’s ready,” Mom said. “We had our own rough start, you know that.” Mom and Dad were initially friends in college but were in love for a long time. My paternal grandparents didn’t exactly approve. They’d been nervous about the Native American culture dying out. But you can’t stop love from happening, Mom had said. Didn’t I know it. Instead, Mom agreed to honor Dad’s culture and our native traditions.

“But I have to agree with your father about the job part.”

“I hear you loud and clear.” I stood up because I no longer wanted this conversation to continue. “So, where can I find Stu?”

Dad walked around his desk to open the closet at the back corner of the room. He handed me some kind of itchy polyester suit jacket. It was the color of cranberries and had the name of the casino emblazoned across the front pocket.

I opened my mouth to protest, but my father gave me a warning look. “You have to wear this. Company policy.”

“I’m just not a suit kind of guy.” Especially not a goddamn polyester suit. “What about the T-shirts I see the bar backs wearing?”

“Ask Stu to order a few in your size. In the meantime, put this on.”

I bit my tongue and grabbed it from him. It was too snug, but I pushed up the sleeves and was on my way.

Chapter Ten Rachel

I pulled alongside the curb in the artsy part of town known as the Commons. I spotted Mom inside the new shop, looking tired and flustered. Immediately, I knew I’d made the right decision to come home to help her this summer.

She’d been there for me on so many occasions. When I’d woken up in the ICU and seen the confusion and torment on her face—the pain and sorrow—it had killed me. Daddy’s face hadn’t been much better.

I had tried hard for them, especially at the beginning of my recovery. And I had definitely been trying for me, too. My days were spent wallowing between despair, anger, and hope.

And whether I admitted it or not, many of those hopeful days were due to Kai, who had always showed up with a huge, cocky grin on his face. “You ready, Turtle?”

And that would piss me off and spur me on. But he’d get this tenderness in his eyes, and I couldn’t stay mad for long. That nickname had stuck through high school, and to this day, you couldn’t pay me to run. Even though I would’ve loved to show my classmates up after surgery.

Little did Kai realize how appropriate a moniker it would become for someone who was so weak she needed a cane to help her walk just a few feet or a wheelchair to move her around.

The first time Kai let that nickname slip after a particularly grueling physical therapy session, I’d felt an initial stab of humiliation, which I was positive had been reflected in my eyes. “Damn, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize what that might sound like now.”

“Don’t you dare stop calling me that. I’ll be pissed if you do,” I’d said. “You’re one of the only people in my life who treats me the same as you did before.”

We shared a meaningful look that made me feel connected to him in a way few others had. “Okay, Shelly. I won’t.”

I banged on the door to Pure, startling Mom in the process. She rushed to unlock it and then helped prop it open as I carried in a box of color samples from the paint store and some other decorations I had spotted while at Walmart.

I looked around the shop, which was a smaller space than her last one but a fitting size for her business. Plus, there were two back rooms where Mom could work her lotion, candle, and soap-making magic. Hand-poured and paraben-free, of course.

“It’s looking halfway decent, Mom. I like how you arranged the shelves,” I said. “I still think you should paint that back wall a warm dramatic color, like a taupe or chocolate brown, to make the whole room pop.”

When she gave me a skeptical look, I continued. “I brought samples. Let me dab some on the wall first before you veto my decision.”

“Okay,” she said. “You’re better at the decorating stuff than I am.”

I placed my boxes near the cash register and then pulled out a light-colored T-shirt from one of the bags I’d brought along. “Maybe you’d also consider carrying other locally-made things. Like these shirts. They’re crafted out of one hundred percent organic cotton and have these cute Zen sayings on them.”

I handed her the top. “This one says, Leap and a net will appear.”

She rolled the material between her fingers and then held it up. “I never would have thought to include other local products along with mine.”

“It’ll create more of a community feel. Plus, you can cross-promote,” I said, removing a couple of the bracelets I’d purchased from an online neighborhood shop. “It might even help boost the local economy.”

“Huh, when did you get so darn smart?” she said, trying on the bracelet for size.

“I am getting my business degree for a reason,” I said, prying the lid off one of the paint cans.

“You sure are.” She gave me a one-armed hug and kissed the top of my head. “Why do you think I begged you to help me?”

I smiled and dabbed a small brush into the chocolate-brown paint before slashing across the wall.

“What do you think?” I said, taking a step backward so she could see the effect.

“I definitely like the color. Dramatic, like you pointed out,” she said. “But it’s hard to tell from that little segment.”

“Let me paint a larger section of the wall and then we’ll decide.” I dipped the brush again and this time drew longer strokes across the pale wall. Mom got busy unloading a box of her beeswax candles.

“When’s the last time you talked to your father?” I could hear the tightness in her voice.

For a while, I’d secretly been afraid that I’d caused my parents’ divorce. That what they’d gone through after my accident had placed an inordinate amount of strain on their marriage. But Mom had reminded me that they hadn’t been getting along for a long time, and that revelation had forced me to recognize the truth.

What my recovery had done was exacerbate how much my parents didn’t see eye to eye. And that’s another reason why I hadn’t put much stake in relationships in the years after. If one traumatic event had sent three guys out of my life, I figured I wouldn’t be very good at making the other parts of relationships work, either.

“I talked to Daddy yesterday,” I said, still making even brushstrokes. “We’re going to meet for lunch tomorrow.”

“Good,” she said, now arranging the Shea butter soaps on the corner display.

I wanted to ask her if she had any regrets about divorcing my father. If she truly was happy now with her new husband, John. But I’d work up to it slowly. I could always talk straight to my mom, but some subjects were touchier than others.

“So how does it feel being home?” she asked. I could hear the caution in her voice. She knew that being back in town brought on a mixed bag of feelings.

“It feels strange, to be honest,” I said, pulling out another small brush to test the other color sample.

“I understand, honey,” she said, getting to her feet and admiring her handiwork. “But time has passed, and you’ve grown into a gorgeous young lady. Nobody remembers you as that girl. Heck, I’m your mom and even I don’t recognize you anymore.”

I laughed louder than I’d intended and shook my head.

“What’s so funny?” She turned toward me and squeezed my shoulder.

“Kai said practically the same thing to me this morning,” I offered, while dabbing the new color onto the far side of the wall.

She raised her eyebrows. “He certainly knows you pretty well. What do you think he meant by it?”

There was no way in hell I was going to tell her that Kai said it after indicating he knew what I’d been doing in my free time at the university. “I think he meant that I was tougher than the last time he saw me.”

“Well, I’d certainly agree with that,” she said, and now I wondered what changes she’d noticed about me—outside of shortened visits home and phone calls that consisted only of talking about classes and news about friends.

“So it’s going okay living with your two childhood friends?” she asked. “I’ll admit I was surprised to hear that Kai was back and crashing at her place, too.”

I wasn’t about to tell her why Kai had returned so suddenly. She’d find out eventually, anyway. Somehow I felt protective over him, maybe the same way he’d been over me.

“It’s great,” I said. “Who wouldn’t want an apartment with that view?”

“True,” Mom said. “They’ve always been good kids. And hopefully Kai has matured over the past few years as well?”

Oh, he’s matured all right, I’d wanted to say, but I held my tongue.

“I think so,” I said.

I thought about my childhood with Kai and felt that fear in the pit of my stomach again about ruining things with him.

“Oh, the trouble the three of you would get into, especially when Kai was around.”

I would always egg Kai on. Or dare him to do something silly or crazy, and he’d always take me up on it. Little did my mom know that I had been the instigator, and Kai had had a hard time backing down from a challenge. Dakota always ratted us out. She had always been a total tattletale and daddy’s girl.

“Well, your daughter only pretended to be an angel,” I said, with a smirk on my face. “Kai just took up for me most of the time.”

She looked up from her box of lotions, her eyebrows bunched together. “No way.”

I nodded. “Way.”

“Sheesh, the things parents find out after the fact.” She got this wistful glint in her eye. “That explains why he was so great with you in the hospital. He’s a caretaker, that one.”

I had never thought of Kai in that way. But when she put it like that, it made sense. He was definitely great at music, and he was also a loyal and compassionate friend.

“I always thought he’d make a great husband someday,” she said, lost in thought. “After he was done sowing his wild oats. Kids probably don’t even use that phrase nowadays.”

Old-fashioned saying or not, my skin heated at her words. The way his fingers felt against mine. His mouth.

“I’m pretty sure he’s the same old Kai with the girls. Doesn’t seem to want to be with one person. He’s still kind of a lost soul.” A beautiful and sexy lost soul. “He’s going to work at the casino this summer and figure out what he wants to do.”

“He’ll settle down one day,” Mom said. “And so will you.”

I looked away and considered whether or not to be truthful. “I’m not sure I want to, Mom.”

“Oh, honey,” she said, striding over to me. “Is that because of what happened between your father and me?”

“Things don’t ever stay the same,” I said, stepping back and admiring my paint job. “Things change. People change. I’ve learned that lesson, at least.”

“But some people do get it right the first time,” she said, her voice quiet. Filled with regret. She grabbed for my hand and squeezed. “It’s just that your father and I didn’t. And even still, we did get one thing right. You.”

I clasped her fingers in mine, but I didn’t want this turning into a tear fest, so I changed the subject. “So, which color do you like best, Mom?”

Chapter Eleven Kai

I pulled out the Raisin Bran and mumbled a good morning to Dakota and Rachel, who were at the table in their pajamas drinking coffee and eating toast. It was easy to act natural in front of Rachel, given our friendship. But altogether another struggle to keep my gaze from wandering over her bare legs, given our intimacy the other night.

This was what Rachel had been afraid of—this awkwardness—so I needed to make it work. I wanted to keep her in my life in whatever capacity she wanted me. I’d play the part and do it well. Because even doing all the normal, everyday things with her felt too perfect, too seamless, too right.

She filled up all the quiet places inside of me. Even if I could have only this pure and unconditional part without the other—her heart-stopping kisses and sexy noises—I’d take it. Because if she walked away, severed our ties completely, I might never recover.

I sat down across from Rachel, and as my long legs searched for space beneath the square table I accidentally brushed my calf against hers. I saw her shoulders give a little shiver before she moved her feet away without looking at me.

“Sorry,” I mumbled into my bowl, and the room fell into a comfortable silence. We were used to being around one another, so thankfully Dakota had no clue that anything had gone down between Rachel and me.

“What time do you head in today?” Dakota asked.

“In about an hour,” I said around a mouthful of cereal.

“Dad might not admit it, but he likes having you at the casino,” Dakota said. “Mom, too.”

Rachel peeked at me over the top of her coffee cup, her green eyes clear, like a cellophane wrapper.

I nodded. “Yeah, I know.”

Dakota pointed her buttered toast across the table. “So don’t fuck it up.”

As a flash of heat stretched across my neck, I noticed how Rachel’s eyes widened. She never got involved in our sibling arguments, so I knew she’d keep her mouth shut this time, too. But I was not in the mood for Dakota’s bullshit this morning and especially not in front of Rachel.

More than anything, I didn’t want Rachel to see me as a fuckup anymore.

“Damn, sis,” I said, raising my coffee cup in a salute. “Thanks for your support.”

“C’mon, Kai,” she said. “You’ve already got the entire female staff panting after you.”

“And somehow that’s my fault?” I refused to look at Rachel, but I caught her frown in my peripheral vision. Great, she was already siding with my sister. “I’m not trying to hook up with anybody from work.”

“Yeah, right. The only rule at the casino is that you can’t gamble,” she said. “The tribal nation doesn’t specify dating co-workers.”

“And?”

“I saw you chatting up Meadow the other night.”

“What the hell, Dakota?” As I stood up in a huff, my chair toppled on two legs and almost crashed to the floor. “So I can’t be friends with co-workers? I’m supposed to keep to myself and talk to nobody?”

She scrunched up her face at my display. “You know what I mean.”

I rinsed my bowl in the sink, suddenly losing my appetite.

“Not sure I know at all what you mean,” I mumbled.

“Since when do you know the company policy for dating co-workers?” Rachel asked, her eyebrows wiggling playfully at Dakota.

Dakota gave her a warning look. I strode to the kitchen island to refill my coffee cup.

“See what a hypocrite you’re being? Besides, you haven’t been around me in three years,” I said, throwing her earlier comment back in her face. “Maybe I actually had a serious girlfriend in Amsterdam who you know nothing about.”

Both Dakota’s and Rachel’s jaws fell open at that revelation. God, I was just digging myself a deeper grave.

“Seriously?” I ran a hand through my hair. “Is that really a breaking news story?”

“What’s her name?” Dakota asked, her eyes narrowed in a challenge.

I noisily placed my mug on the table and reached for the sugar bowl. “What?”

“Name the girl you dated,” she said. “Off the top of your head . . . and go.”

Suddenly my brain was a blank canvas. I had dated two girls for about a month each until I realized the relationships just weren’t working for me. One of them agreed to the mutual split. But the other was furious with me, spewing all kinds of obscenities in Dutch. It was actually kind of sexy. I’d been attracted to her, but I didn’t think we had anything in common besides good sex.

But under Dakota’s and Rachel’s scrutiny—two of the most important women in my life—I just couldn’t remember the names of the girls I’d shared my bed with for more than one night.

“Told you so,” Dakota said.

Rachel dug back into her toast, her expression unreadable.

What did she think of me now? Maybe what she always had. That I was a guy nobody could pin down. And that no longer sat well with me.

“Screw you,” I said, and headed out of the room. “Going to shower.”

Thirty minutes later I emerged from my room dressed in black jeans and a red Golden Arrow T-shirt that Stuart had scored for me to replace that itchy polyester jacket.

Dakota was sprinting around the apartment trying to get her last-minute work things in order. She resembled Mom, with her elegance and professionalism in her gray skirt and black heels, despite having dark hair and olive skin.

“See you later,” she said to me. Just as Dakota pulled open the door to breeze into the hallway, Rachel’s voice rang out.

“Are we out of shower gel, Dakota? I couldn’t find any under the sink or in the linen closet.”

“Shoot,” Dakota said, training her eyes on me. “I thought I bought more.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I said, edging the door shut. “She can use regular old soap from my shower.”

“Boys.” Dakota rolled her eyes and then turned for the bank of elevators. “Tell Rachel she needs to bring home the good stuff from her mom’s shop.”

There were three bedrooms and one utility area in my sister’s condo, and compared to my tiny rented bedroom in Amsterdam, it seemed like a warehouse instead of a closet. Dakota’s master suite was on the east end of the living room along with Rachel’s bedroom and the bathroom they shared. My bed and bath were located on the other end.

That was cool by me because a lot of chicks always had their makeup and lotions and perfumes spread all over the counter, and it drove me nuts. Dudes like me are low maintenance because we don’t need much—just deodorant, soap, shampoo, and a toothbrush.

Don’t get me wrong, all of those products help girls look and smell damn good, but if I could avoid having to share a space with a woman, I would at all costs. Though I might make an exception for one girl in particular.

As I headed down the hallway toward Rachel, I suddenly realized how something as normal as discussing toiletries with a roommate now felt too intimate.

“Dakota had to leave for work,” I said from outside the bathroom door. “She said you should bring some shower stuff home from your mom’s shop today.”

I heard her muffled voice. “Yeah, I could do that.”

“I’ll let you borrow my old-fashioned bar of soap, though. It’s coming your way. Sound good?”

She giggled as she pulled open the door, and then her mouth drew into a straight line when her gaze clashed with mine. She had on a fuzzy pink bathrobe and my eyes darted to the area above her breasts, where the terrycloth parted, and then down to the tightly drawn sash. Was she naked beneath that wrap? I couldn’t help imagining what she’d do if I suddenly leaned forward and untied that knot.

“Thanks,” she said. I saw her swallow roughly at my inspection. “I’ll also bring home a thing or two for your bathroom.”

“Will it smell like you?” The words tumbled from my mouth before I could stop them.

Her nostrils flared briefly as her eyes zoned in on my lips and then flitted away. “Wou . . . would that be a good thing?”

“You always smell good, Turtle.” I turned and headed back down the hallway before I confessed something even more damaging. “Be right back.”

Rachel’s hair had been up in a messy bun, and I wondered what kind of shampoo she used, because her hair had smelled amazing the other night. I needed to rein in my thoughts before Rachel realized that I was focusing way too much on our one-time encounter.

I grabbed the Ivory soap from my shower, all the while cursing myself for not acting more normal around her. When I returned to her bathroom, the door had been left open and Rachel was leaning over the sink, cleaning her face with a washcloth.

I figured I needed to say something to redeem myself. “I think the stuff from Pure smells pretty good. You always wear that lotion.” A memory of her mother massaging hand cream into Rachel’s weak and trembling fingers at the hospital came to mind. That scent would linger in the room for hours afterward.

“You told me the name of it once. Something with rice or maybe wheat?” I knew damn well what the actual name was but no way would I let her know that.

Her head snapped up and her reflection met mine. “You remember what it’s called?”

“Pretty sure anyone would remember that it’s named after some kind of food.” I shrugged. “But it smells like flowers.”

A pretty rose hue stretched across her cheeks. “It’s rice flower.”

“That’s it,” I said, avoiding her gaze. I slipped behind her to place the new bar of soap on the tray in the shower. I tried not to rub against her, but damn, I so wanted to.

“I’ll get you some oatmeal soap,” she said. “It’ll make your skin nice and so . . .”

I turned just as she was taking a step back from the vanity. Our bodies aligned and we were practically on top of each other, in the same position as the previous night.

“So . . . soft,” she mumbled, finishing her sentence.

Our eyes met in the mirror, and for a split second I saw her pupils flash hot with desire. My hip bumped again hers on its own volition, pinning her against the vanity.

“Kai,” she whispered, as a tremble rushed through her. My lips came dangerously close to the skin on the back of her neck as I watched her reflection in the vanity.

I took a whiff of her scent, and then closed my eyes to revel in it. When my lids reopened, her breaths were labored, her chest moving up and down from the effort. Her robe had parted even farther from the exertion. In a subtle move, she pressed her bottom against my front, but there was nothing reserved about my hard-on growing steadily against her back.

“I probably shouldn’t be late for work,” I whispered against her ear. I wanted so badly to reach around and grab hold of her breasts, pinch her nipples, and make her come from my touch again.

Her lips parted in the mirror almost like she could read my thoughts. “I . . . yeah . . . I have to . . . shower.”

“Better get in there, then.” I dragged my nose along her hairline to her other ear as she whimpered. “Have a good one.”

Chapter Twelve Kai

Fuck, this was going to be a long-ass day. After I walked out of Rachel’s bathroom, it took several long minutes—including the car ride over—to get my breathing and raging hard-on under control.

What in the hell had I done that for? Call me overconfident, but it sure as hell seemed like she was feeling it, too. That inexplicable draw between us. The same one that had already existed, even in the friend zone.

We had always sought each other out—being comfortable enough to hang, swap stories, share secrets, without the expectation of anything romantic or sexual.

We simply liked being around each other. Sure, it had transformed into something deeper on my end throughout her recovery. We’d grown so close during that time, speaking from our hearts, sharing our vulnerabilities. Hell, I told her shit that went down after my gigs or arguments I’d had with my parents that had fucked with my brain.

And somehow, letting her inside had been like a salve to my soul.

I was pretty sure our hookup was only supposed to be a one-night thing, despite my open invitation for more. And now she definitely knew I was attracted to her. But it needed to end there, unless she sought me out again.

After a brief and curt hello from my father near his office door, I stepped onto the floor to find Stuart. I walked past housekeeping services and got an overexuberant wave from Meadow. I kept moving, because after that lecture from Dakota, I didn’t want to give any women around here the wrong impression.

I found Stuart near the entrance to the lobby, and upon seeing me he gave a brisk nod to someone over my shoulder. I turned to see my father stepping back inside his office as if he’d been making sure I’d gotten to my destination. As if he’d been checking up on me. Sure, I’d gotten to work late a couple of times already, but it wasn’t because of smoking weed. I’d already begun to curb my habit, taking only two or three hits on the nights I wanted to unwind and write some new music.

The frustration must have shown on my face because Stuart patted my back and said, “Don’t let your father fool you. He was just like you back in the day.” He and Stuart had grown up together and had even gone to the same high school.

“Somehow I have a hard time believing that,” I said, taking in how full the gambling tables seemed already. There was a poker tournament happening later tonight, so the casino was bound to become even more packed.

“He didn’t know what the hell he wanted to do, either, and then one day he found his passion for business,” he said, leaning down almost conspiratorially. “You’ll find your passion, too.”

“I think I’ve already found mine. Mostly,” I said, muttering that last bit. “I just don’t know how to make a living doing it yet.”

Stuart’s eyes zeroed in on two shifty-looking guys entering the lobby. They kept their heads down and refused to greet the attendant near the door. Based on their worn clothing, they looked like they could barely afford the penny slots, which probably spoke to my uncle’s argument against casinos. But there was a difference between being poor and being a criminal, as my father liked to point out.

“Too bad your father won’t include you in his plan to class this place up,” he said, keeping his eyes on the two strangers. “But it’s only a matter of time, so keep your nose clean.”

Great. Even Stuart thought I was a fuckup. I decided to ignore his comment. “What do you mean, class it up?”

It was true that upon entering the casino for the first time in a couple of years, I had questioned whether it was going downhill, even though my dad had spruced it up with new fixtures and carpets. The clientele appeared rougher around the edges. They seemed to be hardcore gamblers, as opposed to people out for a night of fun and entertainment. I wondered on more than one occasion if my father had had to beef up security due to thievery, card counting, or bar fights.

“Your father’s concerned about the riffraff coming through here lately, and he’s organized a committee to help us get back to our roots,” he said. “And since you know a thing or two about the entertainment industry, I bet you’d have some ideas.”

“Thanks, Stu,” I mumbled. “But I doubt my father would want me involved in any of that.”

“Hey, why the long face? You want to know what Chief Red Hawk once said?” Stu was spouting off again about the infamous leader of our tribal nation. He’d been his greatest admirer for as long as I could remember.

I actually liked hearing his quotes—mostly. If only to keep me grounded in my history. Usually the proverb had to do with returning to nature or finding your spiritual self, but I couldn’t imagine that type of quote would fit into our current conversation.

I nodded. “Sure.”

He cleared his throat. “Understand that you are essential to this world. To the laws of nature. Find your own way, make your own peace. For it is you who has to live with yourself.”

I contemplated that while he stalked off to handle a disagreement taking place near the employee lounge. My father frowned upon staff taking out their personal issues in public. Stuart would undoubtedly remind them of that and get their argument under control.

I’d always thought that I could sit back and allow things to happen in my life. For nature to take its course. But now, more so than ever, I’d come to realize that the world doesn’t work that way. I needed to take the steps forward, and even some backward, to get myself somewhere. To get what I wanted.

And right now all I wanted was some direction in my fucking life.

I wanted to feel alive.

For my nerve endings to buzz as deafeningly as they had the other night with Rachel when I made her feel good against my fingers. The same fingers I used to hammer away on the strings of my bass to create music. To mix sounds together.

As vibrant and dazzling as that feeling I got in my chest when I produced something good—for myself or somebody else.

Stuart returned looking flustered and worn. “So where do you need me today, Stu?”

So far, he’d plugged me in wherever I was needed throughout the shift. The other night I was a bar back and that kept me very busy, since the casino was packed. It also allowed me a good visual of the stage and the band.

I wasn’t sure how to tell my father that his acts sucked. Because there really wasn’t a way to put it delicately. If he wanted to make the place classier, he needed more professional musicians and he needed to be willing to fork over money to get them. The sound engineer was decent, so it wasn’t necessarily a reflection on that guy.

I knew that I needed to tread lightly with my father. I didn’t want him to think that all I cared about was music, since my dad obviously wasn’t interested in that being the path for me anymore. First, I needed to prove that I was a hard worker. At the very least, that was expected of me. It was a pretty safe assumption that he wouldn’t even entertain a conversation with me about the musical acts if he didn’t see that I was putting forth effort to make some kind of living.

Second, I needed to show up on time and lay off the weed.

“I need you at the elevators,” Stuart said. “Check the room keys of everyone who passes to be sure they belong in this hotel.”

Ugh, mindless and boring. “Will do.”

Two hours later, the only saving grace was that I got a direct view of the band setting up for their show. My fingers itched to play, and even though I’d met a few times with my former band mates—who were happy to welcome me back into the fold—I was pretty sure I needed to stay away from them. Why hadn’t I noticed what a bunch of losers they were before?

Sam had made a beeline for me about an hour earlier to talk about his grandson Micah. He said Micah was being moved to another facility and that he would let me know the visiting hours once the boy was settled. I promised him I’d visit Micah in the next couple of weeks, but I still didn’t understand his motives for seeking me out.

For all I knew, my mother had put him up to it or something.

She had always commented on how nurturing I had been to Rachel in the hospital. In reality, I think she knew how my feelings had changed. But she was cool enough not to mention it, outside of teasing me about living with two women for the summer. When she asked about Rachel, she’d get this softness in her eyes that I continued to ignore.

Regardless, I felt for the kid and would visit Micah if it made Sam happy. It might even make me feel better. Maybe I’d bring along my acoustic bass and play him some tunes.

Two women dressed in skimpy clothing now edged closer to the elevators, and I could already tell they would attempt to get by without showing their room keys.

“I need to see your keys,” I said in an authoritative voice.

“Oh c’mon,” the one in the red heels said, trying her best to use a seductive voice. “We . . . accidentally left them in our room.”

It bugged me when girls used their sexuality to get their way. But I supposed it worked on enough men to keep the practice in business.

I remained unflappable. “Which floor?”

She seemed surer of her answer to that question. “Fifth.”

“Mmm-hmm,” I muttered, reaching for my two-way radio. “Let me call the front desk and have them look up your names.”

“No, wait,” the brassy blond said, her eyes shifting guiltily. “We . . . we don’t actually have rooms here.”

“Yeah, thought so,” I said. “Nice try. Why do you ladies need to get up there?”

They side-eyed each other, and then the brunette said, “Our boyfriends are waiting for us.”

I’d heard this one before. These girls were probably supposed to meet some businessmen, away from home for the week, in their rooms. “Why aren’t they down here with you?”

Blondie shrugged. You’d think the dudes would be slicker and actually bring them up with their own cards. But they were too afraid to be seen with women who were not their wives.

“Security’s in place for a reason,” I said. They tried giving me doe eyes, but I wasn’t going for it. “For all I know, you could be strapping bombs or something.”

They laughed and looked down at their scantily-clad bodies, pretty certain that what I was suggesting was ridiculous. “You can frisk us and find out.”

But the only woman I’d consider frisking was a certain green-eyed beauty.

Chapter Thirteen Rachel

“You scheduled your follow-up appointment with Dr. Douglas, right?” Mom asked.

Every summer visit post-surgery, Mom made sure I secured an appointment with my neurosurgeon. The idea was that they would monitor the pressure in my skull. Even though the fluid had been drained during surgery, post-op complications were always a possibility. Three years out, I hadn’t had anything more than occasional headaches, some numbness, and sensitivity to light.

“Of course,” I said. “It’s not for a couple of weeks.”

“I’ll go with you,” she said, setting up a display of natural lip balms at the cash register.

I nodded. It was a given that she always wanted to come, and I was more than fine with that.

“I’ve been thinking.” I walked over to the freshly-painted chocolate-brown wall and looked around the store from that vantage point. “You need a website, Mom.”

“Um . . .” Mom looked at a loss for words as she did after many of my latest suggestions.

“I brought my camera,” I said, pointing to my bag. “I figure we can take photos and then post the items on a webpage.”

“Gosh, honey, I don’t know.” She bit her fingernail, a habit I’d been noticing a lot more recently. “How am I supposed to keep up with a website after you head back to school?”

“We can do something basic. We’ll list the hours of operation, phone number, and address,” I said, even though she still looked skeptical. “Just so people know how to find us.”

“I suppose that makes sense,” she said, folding her arms and sinking back against the counter.

“And great photos of the space might draw people in. Especially the locals,” I said, moving to another corner to see what the lighting looked like near the front windows. “They’d be willing to take a drive here to see what this place is all about.”

“That does sound like a good idea, honey,” she said, joining me at the front display to stare out across the small parking lot. “Gosh, what am I going to do without you?”

“You managed without me at the other location,” I said, playfully knocking my hip against hers. “Besides, I bet John would help if you needed him.”

“Yeah . . . he would,” Mom said with a contented gleam in her eye.

Her husband, John, had been to the shop during his lunch break this week to see our progress. I’d admit it was still awkward being around him—one of the reasons I was thankful for Dakota’s offer to stay at her place this summer. Mom and John had been married only a year—they had eloped and held a private ceremony, which was best for all concerned—and it all felt too fresh, as if they hadn’t waited for the ink to dry on my parents’ divorce papers.

John was definitely nice enough, and he didn’t act like he was trying too hard to win me over, but what I noticed most of all was how he treated my mom. It was like he revered her. It hadn’t slipped by me that they spoke openly, consulted each other on important things, and made decisions together.

I realized how vastly different that was from how Mom and Dad had interacted. They were barely in the same room at the same time. And they never seemed to agree on anything. In retrospect, maybe they’d acted civil only for my sake.

Because as soon as I’d retreat to my room, they’d argue bitterly in hushed tones, just a floor below. It was scary listening to your parents knock each other down with words. I’d lay awake desperately formulating elaborate ways to fix things, but the next morning everything would seem fine between them. Empty, but fine.

Maybe contentment in a new marriage—a new relationship—was just a novelty. I remembered how close I felt to Miles at the beginning. We talked incessantly on the phone those first few weeks. We had been a deliriously happy couple, hadn’t we?

And then I began remembering the little things. How I’d been so giddy about dating him that I let certain things slide. Like when he was out with his teammates, I was never invited along. How I stayed home alone my share of weekend nights because he had away games or would be involved with some kind of team thing. How sometimes Dakota, and even Kai, would show up to drag me out the door to a movie or to get pizza with friends.

Gosh, how had I forgotten that? Come to think of it, Mom and Dad had separate friends and activities as well.

Spending weekends over at Dakota and Kai’s house had felt drastically different. Their family laughed and got along most of the time. Mr. and Mrs. Nakos would share meaningful looks, and they always spoke respectfully to each other.

I removed my digital camera from its case, adjusted the flash, and began taking test shots of the store. “I think we should do a grand reopening in a couple of weeks. We’ll pass out fliers and invite family and friends.”

Mom moved out of range of my shot to avoid being in the picture. She was such a pretty lady, with her dark pixie cut and bright eyes, but she hated seeing herself in photographs.

“You’re in a better location now,” I said, sneakily taking a shot of her while she arranged candles on a shelf. “So hopefully business will pick up.”

She sat back on her heels, admiring her arrangement. “That would be great.”

“And knowing you, you’ll want to be in the back making product most of the time,” I said. “So I’d consider hiring part-time help to work the front of the store.”

She looked up at me. “Can’t I just keep my little girl here?”

“You know I’d do it if the university was closer,” I said as my guilt accelerated.

“I know you would, sweetie,” she said, exhaling. “I’ll have to hire somebody responsible and trustworthy.”

“Of course. Let’s see how the rest of the summer goes,” I said, snapping my last photo. I’d have to shoot more once the shop was in final order. “Before I head back to school our goal can be to find someone.”

“Sounds like a plan.” She stood and headed to the back room to check on the new batch of candles cooling on a rack.

I got busy unloading more boxes from the previous store—bath lotions, shower gels, and soaps. I remembered the deep timbre of Kai’s voice when he told me I smelled good that morning. How he stood so close behind me. The way his eyes sought mine in the mirror.

Had he been remembering our night together the way that I had the past few days?

Damn, he was starting to hijack my brain.

A week ago, I would have never considered him to be anything more than a handsome best friend from childhood. But now I was entertaining all of these other thoughts about him. I imagined waking up in his bed. In his strong arms. Touching him, tasting him, hearing the sounds he made when he came undone.

And, Holy Mother of God, what did that boy look like completely naked?

I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d felt this kind of visceral response to somebody. It was like a live wire had been plugged into the center of my chest and was being fed directly to the area between my legs.

I was beginning to feel anxious about when I’d see him again and even hopeful for our next encounter. I needed to make sure Kai didn’t clue in to my crazy dirty thoughts about him. I couldn’t even understand them myself—so how would he?

Kai had made me feel desirable. Like a real woman. So different than how I had felt with Miles—which now seemed juvenile in comparison. But we’d only been teenagers when we met, for Christ’s sakes.

Sure, other men had made me feel attractive over the years. I mean, I’d made out with some really cute guys. But normally, if an encounter led to sex, it was after a few days of being hard up—so it was usually sloppy and with a goal in mind. And if I was being honest with myself, what Kai said the other day had been true. I’d been trying to work out my anger, regret, and unresolved feelings for Miles.

Truth be told, I figured I’d still be horribly upset about seeing Miles the other day. I thought I’d be pacing around and thinking about him constantly. Considering other ways to see him or get in contact with him.

But it was as if Kai had stepped in and given me something else to focus on.

Fantasize about.

Had that been his plan all along? Because he’d been pretty damn good at it.

Had he made all the other girls feel this way?

He’d said that he’d dated a girl in Amsterdam—if in fact, he’d been telling the truth after being put on the spot by Dakota.

What would it be like to date someone like Kai?

Fuck, I needed to cut it out.

I didn’t know what would happen if I sought him out again for a night of “forgetting.” It seemed almost too dangerous to become lost in him. Maybe this had more to do with the fact that I knew Kai too well.

But no—what I experienced with him the other night was a side of him I’d known nothing about. I’d always been curious about him, sure. Never in my wildest imagination would I have pictured him kissing and touching me like that.

He’d made me come just by rubbing his fingers—his very skillful fingers—over my panties. The forbiddenness of that very act between us might have made it more exciting. I mean, shit, Dakota could have walked in at any moment.

Kai didn’t want to fuck me that night—he’d been the only sensible one in the room—thank God. But part of me wondered why he hadn’t—I’d given him plenty of opportunity. I remembered how he seemed frustrated, angry even, when he carried me to my room.

Had he only been doing me a favor? If that were the case, what in the hell had the bathroom business been about this morning? As it stood now, we hadn’t even seen each other naked. We’d just used our hands and our lips, and maybe if I kept thinking about it in those terms, it would still feel innocent enough.

Yeah, right.

Already I was thinking up excuses for why I needed to get him alone. Maybe it was only a matter of getting him out of my system. Or maybe I needed to go find somebody else to screw around with. But the thought of that didn’t sit well anymore.

I wanted Kai. All to myself. Again.

And the guilt of that thought alone was enough to send me packing early.

Damn, Dakota might disown me. If she hadn’t already disowned me because of my antics the past three years in college. Dakota was so different, so prim and proper. And I had been, too—before my life had been turned upside down and my heart split in two.

I set a few body washes and soaps to the side for the apartment. Mom carried a more manly-smelling line for her male customers. I opened the top of the body lotion and breathed it in. The scent was like fresh linen with a bit of spice. It would be subtle enough for Kai, so I made a neat pile for him.

And now my thoughts had drifted to smelling Kai. God, I needed a lobotomy.

My phone buzzed with a text from a number I didn’t recognize.

Rachel, it’s Miles. Can we grab a drink and talk?

My stomach dropped. Shit, I wasn’t sure how this was going to play out with both of us being back in town. I wasn’t sure if I’d run into him again. Or even if I wanted to.

Me: How did you get my number?

Miles: Sorry, I asked around. Julia gave it to me.

Our old high school friend. Thanks, Julia. I owe you one. Not.

I’d admit part of me was impressed that he’d made the effort. Maybe he really did do some growing up and wanted to set things right. Thing is, I didn’t know if I could ever feel comfortable around him again. I might always be on edge. Forever hurt and angry. Always feel as if he’d left me. As if everybody had left me.

Me: It’s okay. What’s there to talk about?

Miles: Please, Rachel. I just want to explain some things.

I thought about what Kai had said about needing closure with Miles. He’d always been good at saying all the right things and dispensing little pearls of wisdom. Despite the fact that he pretty much fucked up lots of stuff in his own life, he sure could give good pep talks. If he’d only take his own advice. He had this untapped potential to do something really great—if he’d only realize what that might be. If he’d only give up weed.

I hadn’t smelled it as much on him lately, though, so maybe that was a good sign he was getting himself together. Maybe even trying, for his parents. I was pretty sure he wasn’t trying for me. What I said to him the other morning about laying off the pot seemed only to amuse him.

My fingers hovered over the keys on my phone. I could be an adult and resolve this once and for all. Or I could go back to pretending to work this all out in my head. Like I thought I had been doing for the last three years. Thinking I was tough and confident and had gotten over Miles.

Hell, I’d even been too chicken to confide in the girlfriends I’d made in college. Even though they had laid out all of their shit in front of me. Allowed me to see their flaws while I permitted them to see only one side of me. The fun, no-cares-in-the-world, fake part of me.

Except for the last few weeks before break. I’d admit to becoming a bit of a softie because of my anxiety about returning home for the summer. I’d even told them a couple of stories about growing up with Dakota. I remember how my chest ached when I’d mentioned Kai. I’d felt tears gathering behind my eyes, but I had ignored the physical clue that I’d been missing him.

They hadn’t, apparently. Without even realizing it, they stopped talking and stared at me like I had three heads. As if I’d been abducted by aliens and replaced by some sentimental sap. I made a joke, suggesting I was emotional because I was getting my period, but I could tell they didn’t exactly believe me.

So maybe it was time to get my shit together, so I could move on. Where to, I didn’t exactly know. But moving forward would be a good thing.

Me: Okay, fine.

Chapter Fourteen Kai

Dakota, Rachel, and I were spread out in the living room, watching a movie on the big screen. This was the first time we’d been home together in the last couple of nights, given our different work schedules and activities.

I saw Dakota in passing at the casino, of course. She worked in the third-floor finance office with my mom, and her hours were different. I was mostly on second shift, which was cool by me, because I got to check out the consistently lame bands. There had been only one group that had a decent set of chops. They were mainly instrumental and played an eclectic set of music that sounded like a mix between jazz and psychedelic, and sometimes added old school punk.

As they were knocking back a few while on break the other night, I told them their sound was similar to a couple of bands I’d worked with in the recording studio in Amsterdam. Turned out their drummer, Cameron, knew Johan from a tour he’d done with another crew in the Netherlands.

Johan had helped them mix a CD that they’d passed out at their shows. Over a couple of beers after their set, I told Cameron what had happened to get me kicked out of Johan’s studio. He said that Johan’s girlfriend had quite the reputation for screwing around on the side. Then we exchanged numbers in case they needed an extra bass player to jam with, and I came away feeling as if maybe I’d made a new friend.

When I’d gotten home from work one night that week, I’d wondered if Rachel was awake and wanted some company. Not that I’d ever barge into her room. But I had hoped she’d maybe heard me come in and would want to talk or hang out.

She and Dakota had been to the local bar earlier that night, and I hadn’t been able to help worrying about whether Rachel had met or hooked up with anybody. I had been pretty sure that wouldn’t happen while she was with Dakota, let alone while she was home, unless she’d been very discreet. And the only person I wanted her to be discreet with was me.

I certainly had no desire to be with any other girl after our night together. Not in forever, actually. Not that Rachel knew that or would ever figure it out. But I couldn’t help hoping for another opportunity for her to seek me out, if only to comfort her. I’d welcome Rachel’s rice-flower scent wrapping around me. Along with her legs.

I adjusted myself in the chair and grabbed a handful of popcorn from the bowl Dakota had placed on the coffee table.

Tonight we were watching The Princess Bride, and Rachel and Dakota were in their pajamas, which for chicks consists of cotton shorts and tank tops. Thankfully Rachel still had her bra on, because I think I’d lose my mind if she ever decided to forego it around me. I’d heard chicks talking about how constricting bras could be, and I’m sure if I hadn’t been living there she would have had those puppies hanging loose.

Sometime in my senior year everything had shifted with Rachel. I had noticed for the first time that she was hot—and all of my friends had made the same determination. I became totally protective of her around my boys, who’d just assumed I was being an overbearing big brother. And of course I had been, but now that I thought back on it, I hadn’t wanted anyone having dirty thoughts about her, period.

During a commercial break, Dakota turned to Rachel. “So how strange was it for you to hang with Miles last night at the bar?”

I sucked in a sharp breath. That was new information. She hadn’t told me she’d even spoken to her ex again.

I’d never thought Miles was good enough for Rachel. He was a big-name jock at the school, walked around like he owned the place, and Rachel had totally fallen for that bullshit. It wasn’t that I hated jocks. Shane had played sports as well. But he hadn’t been a total douche with a God complex like Miles had been. Like he still was, damn it.

When I’d heard Miles had taken her out on Shane’s motorcycle without a fucking helmet, I’d almost killed the guy. He’d come away with some cuts and bruises, while Rachel had suffered a near-fatal head injury.

The next time I laid eyes on him, I punched him square in the face, with little warning. His weight and build might have been an advantage, but I had rage and raw instinct on my side. Had Shane not pulled me off of him, I would have broken all the bones in his goddamn body, too.

“It was . . . different,” Rachel mumbled, and fiddled with the afghan that she’d wrapped around her knees. “Uneventful, really.”

I pocketed my phone and picked up my beer, trying not to act like I had a ticking time bomb ready to detonate inside my chest. “So you took my advice to get some closure?”

Had I seriously told her that? Maybe I needed to kick my own ass.

“Not exactly,” she said. “He sent me a text and asked to meet.”

My stomach tightened. “And?”

“And . . . he met me at the bar. Dakota walked away to play darts with Julia.” She worried her bottom lip between her teeth. “I expected more, I guess. More drama or something. But all I felt was numb. He’d said he wanted to explain some things, but he never did. So we just played catch up, then he walked me out, and that was it.”

Did she let him touch her? I clenched my fists and looked away.

“To be honest, you didn’t seem all that . . . interested. In him or anything he had to say,” Dakota said.

Rachel shrugged.

“If you finally wrap things up with Miles, maybe you can start dating again.”

Rachel scrunched up her face. “I’m not sure I care about dating, Dakota.”

“Seriously? C’mon, Rachel.” Dakota huffed out a breath. “You’re young and gorgeous and there’s a really cool guy at the casino I want to hook you up with.”

“What guy?” I said, trying to keep the alarm out of my voice.

“Knock off your protective-big-brother act. You probably haven’t run into him yet,” she said. “He works in the accounts payable office.”

My jaw ticked. Of course, someone who actually had his shit together. Unlike me.

“No thanks,” Rachel said, and I released the breath I’d been holding. “Besides, I’m only here for the summer.”

Her words were like a knee to the stomach. And a reality check for me as well.

“Then just be casual. I bet you haven’t had that kind of fun in a while,” Dakota said, wiggling her eyebrows.

Rachel kept her eyes straight ahead, trying like hell to avoid making eye contact with me.

“It’s been three years. It’s time.”

Rachel shot me a warning look. She was so determined to keep that part of herself that Nate had told me about hidden from her best friend. We’d been home less than a month, and already Rachel’s secrets were piling up. But this was one I was willing to keep, if only to be spared any details. Hell, I’d keep this secret for life if she’d asked me.

“Does that mean you’re finally giving in to your lustful feelings for a certain someone?” Rachel said in a playful voice.

Dakota’s eyes nearly bugged out of her head.

“Who are we talking about here?” I said. It had better not be Shane. I couldn’t help my defensive instinct from kicking in, despite my sister rolling her eyes. I waited for her You’ve-been-gone-for-three-years-and-I’ve-done-just-fine speech, but it never came.

“No one. Rachel’s just trying to cause trouble,” Dakota said in a strained voice. “Aren’t you?”

“Of course. I’m just messing with you, asshead,” Rachel said. “But maybe you should be the one dating your co-worker.”

“Not my type,” Dakota said, and then settled back just as the movie resumed playing. Dakota hadn’t done much dating of her own lately, at least not that I’d seen. She’d always had a boyfriend in high school and even in her first year of college. She was usually with nerdy and smart dudes, so the fact that she wouldn’t be with this accountant surprised me.

Rachel grabbed the remote and paused the movie. “What makes you think he’s my type?”

“You’ve always liked those bulky sports guys,” Dakota said, and I felt my stomach flip over. “Like Miles. And he doesn’t seem to be doing anything for you anymore. Not that I blame you.”

Rachel’s cheeks turned pink and she mumbled, “I honestly don’t know what I like anymore.”

“So maybe it’s time for a change,” Dakota said. “Andrew is smart and good-looking. You might like him, if you gave him half a chance.”

“No thanks,” Rachel said again, grabbing a handful of popcorn. “I’ve kept mostly to myself the last couple of years. It’s been working okay for me.”

“Yeah?” Dakota raised her eyebrows. “Whenever I checked in, you were always going to a frat party or some kind of game. So I figured you were at least scouting out future prospects.”

“Which reminds me,” I said, in an effort to change the subject from Rachel’s conquests. I wasn’t sure how she was going to talk her way out of that one. Besides, I needed to say something before it was way too late. “I talked to Nate the other day.”

“Nate . . . as in our cousin Nate?” Dakota said as confusion stretched across her brow.

“Yeah. We’ve been talking quite a bit, actually,” I said. No way did I want Dakota to be surprised at the next family gathering if we seemed overly chummy. “He goes to TSU with Rachel.”

“How did I not know this information?” she said as her eyes snapped to Rachel. “Do you know him?”

“Yep. From around campus,” Rachel said, and then subtly narrowed her eyes at me. “He’s a cool guy. I only recently figured out that he was your cousin.”

“Anyway,” I said. “He’s thinking about driving down to the Manic Tour at the Artisan Music Center. It’s five acts including the Black Tresses, which you know is my favorite band of all time.”

A moment of panic passed through Rachel eyes. Little did she realize what was coming. I was only working up to it.

“When’s the show?” Dakota asked.

“Weekend after next, and I already told Stu not to schedule me,” I said. “The thing is, I already have two pavilion tickets, because I was hoping to talk Shane into going with me.”

“And?” Rachel said, looking confused.

“And”—I took a deep breath—“Nate asked if he could bring some friends from school. Said they’d drive up together and get lawn seats.”

The Artisan Music Center provided outdoor seating on the lawn for concerts. It was a distance away from the stage, but you could spread out blankets and party with your friends under the stars while listening to the music. The pavilion seats were close to the stage and required special-access passes. So I figured I could party with Nate and his friends on the lawn, and then move to the pavilion when my favorite band got to the stage.

“Which friends?” Rachel asked, her voice a bit quivery. She knew what was imminent.

“Your friends,” I said, almost too quietly, like if I’d spoken any louder, she might have throttled me. “Some dude named Bennett, his girlfriend, and other friends you know.”

“So Avery and Ella and Quinn, too, I bet,” she said, in the space of her own thoughts.

“Those names sound familiar, yeah,” I said. “It’ll be cool.” I was essentially trying to let her know that her secret was safe with me.

We had a silent conversation with our eyes, her telling me that she wasn’t nearly as confident as I had been.

“You mean I’ll finally get to meet your friends?” Dakota said, clapping her hands. “They weren’t around the weekend I visited.”

Rachel’s gaze flew to mine again. I hadn’t realized she had ditched her friends when my sister had come around. Honestly, I thought she was making this a bigger deal than she needed to. Unless there was something I was missing.

She had fooled around with dudes to get her needs met, and even though the thought of it turned my stomach, it was pretty clear that she shouldn’t be crucified for it.

So why was she being so hard on herself?

“I’ll order our lawn tickets online tomorrow,” Dakota said.

Rachel hit play and turned up the volume on the movie, as if to drown out her thoughts.

Chapter Fifteen Rachel

I lay in bed staring at a dark ceiling, knowing that sleep would not be coming anytime soon. My two worlds were about to collide. Fuck me.

But what’s the worst that could happen? Avery and Ella would find out that I’d been hiding things about my past. That they knew virtually nothing about me, especially not that I had suffered a near-fatal brain injury.

Or that my boyfriend had dumped me immediately after.

I had stretched the truth with Avery and Ella when it came to what had happened between Miles and me. Stretched it far and wide. Once the story had left my lips, I’d kept up the act and played the part. I’d regretted lying then, and I despised it even more now. Loathed how far I had strayed away from my true self. And now it was about to come back to bite me in the ass.

And I deserved it. Plain and simple.

I had carelessly told them over a few beers that Miles and I had gotten engaged, when all it had been was a stupid juvenile promise ring. A cheap silver band that had been lost forever after the accident. I told them that I broke it off and decided to attend TSU instead, while he remained on a basketball scholarship at CSU. At least that part had been true.

But I also alluded to the idea that I hadn’t been with anybody else in so long that I was making up for lost time. When really I was just hoping to do whatever the hell I wanted without getting close to anyone. And that would have been well and good. Hell, they probably would have even accepted as much. It was through half-truths that I had resurrected around me a house of cards. One strong wind and it would implode.

Damn, what a fucking mess. What in the hell had gotten into me? I didn’t like the person I’d become. I wasn’t sure how anyone else had, either.

And the one thought that was really keeping me awake tonight was—what the hell would Dakota think?

Dakota had always been a stable dater and had a collection of respectable ex-boyfriends. Would she accept that her best friend had existed suspended above a crevice built entirely upon falsehoods, just to escape reality for a while? Would she reach out and offer a hand, or allow me to crumble in the flimsily-constructed fabrication of my own making?

I thought I’d been shedding my old skin, when in reality, I’d only been hardening the one I’d worn my entire life.

Even though Dakota was my oldest girlfriend, I still wanted to please her. To appeal to the high standards she’d set for herself and everyone around her.

That realization struck me hard, and I rolled onto my side and curled up into a tight ball, attempting to make myself as small as I felt.

I had even put on a brave face for Dakota while in the hospital, to make it seem as if I was doing better than I actually had been. She had been so damn determined that I get better—and fast. It had been so much pressure, though she had been coming from a compassionate place. When she had been with me, I had been tense, frustrated, and stiff.

Then Kai would walk into the room, and all the suffocating and stale expectations would fade into the background. He’d lift the corners of his cheeks into a lopsided grin, and the atmosphere would shift and transform. I’d draw his fresh and abundant energy into my lungs, needing my fix.

“My turn, Turtle.”

Dakota would stand and kiss my cheek. “See you tomorrow.” As soon as the back of her perfectly-tamed tresses had vanished into the hallway, I would allow myself to fully breath. To suck in more of Kai’s verve. His essence. Allow it to permeate my lungs.

My muscles would loosen. My heart would expand. My true self would show her less-than-perfect head. Would know she was safe. Kai had been in his own world of trouble many times before, and somehow I’d known he would accept me no matter what.

Dakota was my best friend, but in the space of two heartbeats, I realized her brother knew me better. That thought made me spring out of bed, my consciousness fraying along the edges. I hadn’t been able to speak to Kai in private since the night we’d crossed the line.

There was no reason for it; I just wanted to see him. To be in his space. And being around him this summer had only made me realize how much I’d missed him these past three years. If I was being honest with myself, I had thought about him a lot during that time.

In addition to mourning my failed relationship with Miles—along with my former self—had I also been grieving for Kai?

Crazy how I’d seen Miles for a mere hour last night, and instead I was now craving Kai. Miles was bland in comparison. He hadn’t even gotten any words out. I’d felt like I was compensating for him and I’d regretted even telling him we’d be up at the bar. He’d had nothing to say. Only repeated what he’d uttered at Shane’s party. Just like he’d had nothing to offer the past three years. And maybe I’d just needed evidence of that.

I stepped into the hallway as quietly as possible and then stilled in front Dakota’s door to be sure she was asleep. Earlier, I’d heard the loud volume of her television, but it was silent now, and I could almost hear her sleepy breaths.

I padded to the kitchen and reached for a glass, unsure if Kai was even awake. As I turned the faucet on low, I heard it—the soft hum of his bass. My heart leapt in my chest. I didn’t know what the hell I was so anxious about. But the anticipation of seeing him, just talking to him alone, had revved my pulse to a feverish tempo.

But maybe he didn’t want any company tonight.

I wandered over to his door, unsure of what I’d say or even if I’d knock. Instead, I stood motionless, listening to him play. It was a low and drowsy strum, and I swayed against the wall, my senses dulled. During a longer pause, my knuckles tapped once and then twice against the wood.

I heard the sounds of what could have been his returning his heavy bass to its stand and papers rustling, and then the door slowly creaked open. Kai stood in front of me with his hair hanging loose at his shoulders. He had on those obscenely tight gray skinny jeans from earlier and nothing else.

My gaze followed the line of his neck, across his shoulder, to the muscular biceps propping the door open. I spotted the set of free weights resting beneath the stand of his bass. He’d definitely been working out in the three years since I’d last seen him. He wasn’t overly muscular like some athletes I’d been with, just lean and fit.

My gaze tripped over to his sculpted pecs and landed on his nipples. His pierced nipples—that seemed to harden at my perusal.

Fuck, that was hot. Since when did I think silver hoops dangling from a guy’s nipples were sexy? But on Kai, they worked. Like fruit waiting to be plucked, they hung above the trunk of his sculpted abdomen, while a smattering of fine hairs branched from beneath the button of his pants. Hot damn.

“What’s up, Rachel?” He swallowed thickly. “Did I wake you?”

“I . . .” I finally met his eyes. “I couldn’t sleep and I heard you were up.”

“Yeah, me neither.” He moved aside to allow me to pass into the room. “I was trying to be quiet.”

“Actually, most of the time your music lulls me to sleep.”

“Yeah?” he said in a low and gruff voice. “Is that why you’re here—so I can put you to sleep?”

“No, you ass.” I grinned. “Well, maybe.” When his eyes turned dark, I mumbled, “Just kidding.”

We stood awkwardly in front of each other, until he finally had the wherewithal to lie down in his bed. He propped his arms behind his head as I sank down on the very edge.

“What’s going on in that pretty head of yours, Rachel?” he asked. “Is this about seeing Miles?”

“No, not really.” Not at all, actually. Although he did figure in somehow, I supposed.

“I’m just . . . pissed that my friends are coming up here. I didn’t want . . .” I shook my head, the words dying on my lips.

“It’s not like I invited them,” he said. “They’ll see where you grew up—is it really that big of a deal?”

“If anything slips—even as a joke . . . ” I squeezed my eyes shut.

“Now I’ve got questions.” He looked pointedly at me. “Makes me wonder just exactly went on the last three years.”

“I’ve just been . . . doing what I wanted. Living my own life,” I said defensively. Though I didn’t know why I was suddenly feeling that way in front of him. “The same thing you were doing in Amsterdam, right?”

“Sure,” he said. “But if my friends from Amsterdam were to suddenly visit me, I wouldn’t be trying to keep them away from you guys. So what gives, Rachel?”

“Okay.” I held up my hands. “Stop playing the overbearing-big-brother role for a minute and just talk to me as a friend.”

“I’m pretty sure the idea of me being any kind of brother went out the window after the other night.” He held my gaze, and it was as if a sparkler had been ignited inside my belly.

“True,” I whispered, as prickly heat shot up my neck and across my cheeks.

“So what’s the harm in friends knowing things about you? Or telling my sister more about your college life?” he said. “What do you think is going to happen?”

Now the heat became unbearable as the same anxiety that plagued me knocked against the base of my skull. “So many people have already left me.”

“For the record, you left, too, Rachel,” he said, softly. “And the thing about true friends? We’re loyal. My sister is loyal. I’m loyal. We’d accept you no matter what.”

My hands began shaking as the cold dread of my lies rose to a crescendo inside of my chest.

He gripped my hand and then drew it toward him. “Come here.”

My body pitched forward, and I descended onto his sheets. “Wha . . . what are you doing?’

“I’m doing what I do well,” he said, tugging me nearer. “Taking care of my Turtle.”

My heart rose up in my throat and threatened to send my tears tumbling out. Why did his words hold such meaning?

He maneuvered me around and pulled my back flush against his bare chest. I could feel the outline of his nipple rings against my shoulder blades. “I don’t remember you taking care of me like this.”

“Sure I did,” he whispered. “You just couldn’t hug me back at the time.”

I gasped as memories crashed over me in waves. The moments he’d given me lingering embraces in the hospital. The time he lay down in my bed to watch a movie and fell asleep with his head propped on my shoulder. I woke first, felt the heat of his warm body coiled next to mine, and watched him sleep for a while.

Hot stinging tears welled up in my eyes as I realized just how much strength he’d provided me during those times.

All of a sudden his breath was on my neck. “Your secret’s safe with me, Rachel. But sooner or later it’s going to come up and there’ll be nothing you can do to stop it. So maybe it’s time to fess up.”

“I’ll think about it,” I whispered, and he tightened his arms around me.

My ass was against his crotch and a pyrotechnics display was shooting off low in my belly. All of a sudden, I wanted him to touch me the way he had the other night. I couldn’t help the hum that burst from my throat. It felt too damn good being curled up next to him.

“Trying to tell me something?” he said low in my ear.

“You’re pretty good at this stuff,” I said, reining in my out-of-control breathing.

“What stuff?” His voice held a hint of amusement.

“Making-girls-feel-good stuff.”

He blew out a breath like he was going to have some sort of retort but then stopped himself.

“Is that why you’re here . . .?” His voice was soft, tentative at first, but then became brusque. “So I can make you feel good again?’

“I . . . I don’t know, honestly,” I said, wondering why he sounded both frustrated and earnest. “I’m here because you’re my friend and I feel like I can talk to you. Like, you get me.”

“I do get you,” he said. “I think we get each other.”

His fingertips were swirling a pattern up and down my forearm, making my skin tingle.

“Is that why you let me in, because you saw I could use a friend?”

It felt like we were skating on thin ice, neither wanting to say what we really meant. That we both wanted this closeness. But it was an impossible situation, one too hard to admit out loud. Because we were meant to be friends, family even. Besides, our time together was limited by secrecy as well as the summer break.

“I’m doing it because you’re my Turtle and you needed a good hug.” He tickled my side and I yelped. He placed his hand over my mouth to silence me as I squirmed beneath him.

When I finally settled down and released the giggles still bubbling inside my chest, I blew out a couple of breaths and said, “Kai?”

I felt his heavy breath against my hair. “Hmm?”

I squeezed his forearm, which was now lower, around my stomach, instead of beneath my chest, which helped alleviate my growing desire just a bit. “What happened in Amsterdam?’

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. Why did you . . . get kicked out?” I wanted to ask if he’d been smoking too much pot, especially since I spied a bud sitting on the edge of his dresser, but I didn’t want to be too accusatory. I hadn’t smelt it on him lately and I noticed only a hint of it on his skin right now, along with the subtle scent of the products I’d brought him from Pure.

He released a long sigh and flipped onto his back to stare up at the ceiling. I immediately lamented the loss of his body heat. “Johan, the guy I was working under at the studio, had this girlfriend that he was crazy about. She’d come around all the time while we were working and when he wasn’t looking, I’d catch her staring at me. I’d smile or ignore her until the one day she tried to corner me.”

“And let me guess, he walked in on you?”

“Yep,” Kai said, clenching his teeth. “And of course, he accused me of coming on to her.”

“God, that sucks. I’m sorry,” I said, now turned on my side, my head resting against my arm. “Of course, her coming on to you doesn’t surprise me.”

“It doesn’t?” He gave me a quick sidelong glance.

“C’mon, Kai. You know you’ve got your looks going for you.” I tried meeting his eyes, but they were glued to the ceiling. “Girls have a hard time resisting you.”

He became still beside me, and I got the impression that I’d just said something he didn’t like. “What’s wrong?”

“Now you sound like Dakota.” He sounded sad. Disappointed, even. “Is that the only thing girls see in me?”

“No way,” I said emphatically. Did he really not know how amazing he was? “There’s so much more.”

He blew out a breath of relief. “Like what?”

“Seriously? Outside of all the physical stuff girls like—your piercings, your looks, your rock-hard body”—I waited for his eyes to find mine before I continued—“you’re mad talented. And you’ve got a heart of gold.”

“You think?” He suddenly seemed shy, almost unsure of himself. This was the opposite of how he’d always acted around me. Lying next to me right now was the most vulnerable I’d ever heard him.

“Look how you took time out of your day just to hang with me at the hospital,” I said. “I looked forward to those hours with you.”

His eyes widened. “Yeah?”

“Of course I did,” I said, wondering where this timid guy had come from. “I mean, you’d hum me to sleep and play cards and just . . . listen to me.”

He was quiet next to me, so I continued. “Shit, I was such a wreck. I didn’t know what was going to happen in my life. But somehow having you there gave me hope.”

“What kind of hope?”

I grabbed for his hand, winding my fingers through his. “Hope that I’d be okay.”

Chapter Sixteen Kai

“That’s because I knew you would be,” I said, marveling at the unexpected turn of this conversation. I used to whisper those exact words to her while she slept, but I was pretty sure she didn’t remember because she’d never brought it up.

But maybe this was her way of remembering, subconsciously.

“I felt like half of a person. Especially after Miles ditched me. I think my anger—at myself, at him, at the world—fueled me on.” She refrained from saying she was mad at me, but after her admission the other night, I couldn’t help wondering if I’d been included in that list. She’d said I’d left her, too, when all I’d fucking wanted to do was stay. I’d thought I’d been giving her what she wanted, what she needed.

She took a deep breath. “By the time I got to college, I felt like I needed to prove something.”

“Prove what?” I sat up a bit to give her my full attention but made sure not to break her hold on my hand. It felt too good having our fingers knotted together.

“That I was whole. That I was a survivor.” She clenched her teeth. “That I could get over Miles.”

I tucked a stray piece of her hair behind her ear. “Did it work?”

“For a while.” She absently ran her finger over my thigh, not realizing her touch was making blood rush to a region I was desperately trying not to focus on at the moment. “I loved the idea that nobody knew who I was. My friends didn’t know that I had suffered a brain injury and almost died. Or that my boyfriend had left me during my recovery.”

“It was that way for me in Amsterdam, too. Like it was a fresh start,” I said, tracing a pattern on her palm with my thumb. “Almost no one knew what a fuckup I’d been.”

Her jaw fell open. “I never knew you felt that way. I mean, you got in trouble, sure. But you were always so damn cool about it—like junk just bounced off of you.”

“That’s because it always has.” I shrugged. “But I can’t be that person anymore. I need to figure out what matters to me. What the hell I’m doing with my life.”

I adjusted myself on the bed while she studied me. “My parents are disappointed in me. Thank God Dakota impresses them on a daily basis.”

“She’s pretty darn good at impressing people,” she said, thinking it over. It was probably one of the reasons she was afraid to let Dakota down. It was definitely hard measuring up against her. “I guess I always thought you’d do something with music.”

“So did I, but it’s not really working out so well for me,” I said. “And that sucks, because nothing ever interested me until I picked up my first instrument, that’s for sure.”

“Tell me how that felt.” Her eyes were tender, supportive.

“It felt like it was the one thing missing in my life,” I said, holding her gaze. “Very few things in life feel that way.”

She closed her eyes as if she was processing my words. Her eyelashes fanned across her cheeks and I wished I could bend down and kiss her right then. If only just to tell her how much I liked confiding in her.

“The problem is that I didn’t know how to channel it. Which direction to go. How to make money, even. So I got lazy, let stuff slide,” I said. “Sure, my parents are loaded, but I know they work their asses off. And here I was just cruising through life, hoping that something would keep me grounded.”

“Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself,” she said, adjusting her fingers over mine so that they fit snugly together again. “You’ll figure it out. But do you think . . .”

She looked uncertain and I didn’t know what she was about to say until I saw her eyes dart quickly to my dresser and away.

“You’re going to ask me if pot smoking has gotten in the way? Seriously, Rach?”

“Don’t get all pissy with me, dickhead,” she said. “It’s a valid question. I thought we had a deal.”

“You told me to come see you if I had the urge to smoke a whole bowl of weed.” She rolled her eyes. “And I certainly have not. I’ve been cutting down . . . on my own. Just a puff here or there.”

“And it has nothing to do with a bunch of people who care about you getting on your case about it?”

“Probably.” If she kept harping on it, I was close to kicking her cute little ass out of my room. “Look, I get it, but things don’t change overnight.”

She nodded, remorse in her eyes.

“So how about you?” I asked. “You got stuff figured out yet?”

“Obviously not. I’ve been . . . hiding, haven’t I?” she said. “And after awhile hiding gets kind of . . . lonely.” She looked deeply into my eyes. It made me wonder if she could spot my overwhelming feelings for her inside of them.

“What are you lonely for?” I muttered.

“I don’t know. Maybe for home. Maybe the very thing I’ve been running from.”

Eyes weary, she laid her head down on my chest, and I shuddered out a breath. I ran my fingers through her hair, and she sighed. I loved having this time with her, regardless of the fact that I’d be picking up the pieces of my heart soon enough. As soon as she was done using me. And especially after she’d gone back to school.

I’d better have a strategy figured out by then. A plan to move on. Get over her.

Actually make money doing something I love.

“This whole time I told myself I was missing Miles,” she said, and her breath feathered across my skin. “I had this whole fantasy about our reunion. And here he is, in the same town as me. I saw him last night and the reality is so different.”

“What’s different?” I wanted to ask more about what he’d said and what they’d done, but I didn’t want to push her. I also probably didn’t want to know.

“I see myself a bit more through his eyes now,” she said. “I was just this girl who fell for this popular jock and didn’t know how to act or what to do with that. As it turns out, he didn’t really know how to act either. “

“It was like you lost a bit of yourself,” I said, going for honesty.

“I know I did. And I’ve repeated the same mistake the past three years,” she said. “Don’t get me wrong, sometimes a girl needs sex. But I went to ridiculous lengths not to get to know anyone. To not let anyone get close.”

Something else was on the tip of her tongue. I could hear it in her voice. Something she wasn’t telling me. Something she was ashamed of. But I wasn’t going to press her about it. I had plenty of things to be ashamed of.

“I’ve never let anyone get close, either,” I said. Nobody except you. “The difference for me is that nobody has ever given me a reason to let them in.”

“Ever?” She looked up at me through lowered eyelashes.

I hesitated. “Ev . . . ever. Does that make me sound so shallow?”

“No,” she said, suddenly throwing her arms around my chest in a hug. “It just makes you sound honest.”

My hand came up and curled around her shoulder. My face went to her neck, and I breathed her in.

“I’ve always loved talking to you, Kai,” she said, running her hands up and down my back. “Always.”

“Is that what we’re doing here?” My lips met her ear. “Just talking?”

“I . . . don’t know,” she said, letting out a long sigh. “I’m not sure I really want to examine this. Not right now.”

My fingers gripped her waist, and I felt her tremble in my arms. “Sounds cool to me.”

Her hands traveled across my shoulders to grasp my hair. “The truth is . . . I liked what we did the other night.”

“Yeah?” I said, my lips coming dangerously close to her mouth. “What did you like?”

“The way you”—she looked from my lips to my eyes—“helped me forget.”

“It’s a hard habit to break, huh?” I said, and she stiffened in my grasp. Shit. I didn’t want to break this spell we were under. I didn’t want her to question her decision to come to my room. Even if it was to erase Miles from her mind. “That’s not how I meant it. It’s okay. I want you here.”

She visibly relaxed as her fingers resumed grazing my biceps. I loved the feeling of her hands on me. I closed my eyes and savored the way her fingers traced over my arms, across my shoulders, and then down my chest.

When she hooked a finger into the loop of my nipple ring, my eyes flew open.

“What do these feel like?” she asked, her eyes innocently roving over my pecs. Then she tugged at the hoop, and I groaned.

“Obviously pretty damn good,” I said, trying to get a handle on my breathing. “Rachel, I’m warning you.”

“What do you mean?” she said, her gaze not so innocent any longer. “What’ll happen if I keep doing this?”

Before I could respond, she bent her head and encircled my nipple with her tongue.

My dick immediately sprang to action. “Fuck, Rachel.”

“Do you like that?” Her voice was coy and sexy as hell. Now her lips closed over my hardened nipple. She slid the the tip of her tongue through the ring and sucked. All the pleasure receptors in my brain immediately went on high alert.

I grasped the back of her head as she moved to the other side, her mouth like a suction cup.

“Two can play this game.” Without any warning, I tugged her mouth up to mine and drove my tongue past her lips, deep and forceful. She grabbed my shoulders and whimpered against me.

If I couldn’t bury myself inside her tonight, I’d fuck her with my tongue instead.

Chapter Seventeen Kai

She tasted like the salt and butter from our popcorn earlier in the night, and I wanted to feast on her tongue and skin. I angled her head to gain better access to her mouth and then licked and nibbled her lips.

She dragged her fingers up my arms to my neck, and I could feel the pressure of her nails digging in. Her tongue and mouth were just as hungry and the noises coming from her throat were arousing the hell out of me. We were devouring each other and barely coming up for air.

Extracting my fingers from her hair, I grazed the bare patch of her back between her shorts and tank. Her skin was soft and smooth, and I wanted to nibble it with my teeth, soothe it with my tongue. I wanted to brand her and make her mine.

The palm of my hand slid to her stomach and inched up her torso to the area between her breasts. I could feel her heart crashing against my fingertips as she panted from the contact.

My lips skimmed her jaw and then down her neck to her collarbone. I kissed the skin above the scoop of her tank before closing my lips around one of her nipples and sucking it straight through the fabric.

“Oh God . . . Kai.” Her nails dug into my shoulders, and my dick strained against my zipper. I wanted to strip off her top and finally lay my eyes on her tits. I’d fantasized about that exact moment too many times to count.

I thumbed the ends of her shirt. “Take this off. Now.”

She only hesitated a split second before sitting up and lifting her top over her head. I kept my eyes pinned to hers before finally allowing my gaze to slide down to her nearly-bare chest. She wore a black lacy bra that was a contrast to her creamy, pale skin. The smooth flesh on her stomach was sexy, and I could see the edges of her hipbones jutting above her cotton pajama shorts.

I took my time drinking her in, and I saw her shiver beneath my scrutiny. She was so turned on her nipples looked like hard pebbles through the ebony material. And all my brain could muster was that I was the one responsible for that desire in her eyes, as the blood rushed straight to my crotch. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever been harder than in that moment—when the girl I ached for was finally noticing me in the same way.

And I wanted nothing more than to lose myself in her like she wanted to get lost in me. But some logical part of my brain knew that we shouldn’t take it to the next level. That she might regret it if we did. And besides, if I was going to bury myself inside Rachel, the girl of my fucking dreams, I wanted it to be under different circumstances.

I wanted to see something beyond lust in her eyes. I wanted her to really see me for who I was. I needed her to want every single piece of me, beyond the physical. But I’d take every encounter as it came, knowing each one might be the last.

I sat up and hooked my fingers beneath the satin strap of her bra, tugging it down partway. “Take it off, Rachel.”

I knew she liked when I was bossy, when I took action. I could see it in her eyes—there was a flicker of desire there every time I gave a command. It was definitely one of the areas I excelled in. Taking control in the bedroom. It was probably what made girls come back for more. It was one of the few things I was good at.

But I wanted to excel at more than just the art of seduction.

Besides, I liked it when girls took charge in the bedroom, too. And given the stark difference between the Rachel I knew with Miles and the one I’d heard she’d become during the past three years, I wondered which Rachel would show up tonight.

Rachel’s eyes stayed on mine, both of us breathing heavily as the anticipation coiled around us, shrouding us like a thick blanket.

“You want this off?” she asked, teasing me by placing her hands over the cups of her bra.

I gave a curt nod.

One seductive eyebrow lifted before she leaned forward and whispered, “Then take it off yourself.”

There was the Rachel that I’d missed. Fuck me, I’d be taking a cold shower tonight. My fingers curled around her wrists and I tugged her hands away from her breasts. I yanked them down to her sides as her fists clenched tight.

I bent and kissed her neck as I reached around to unclasp her bra. Now it hung loosely on her torso. I slid the straps down her arms to remove the cumbersome material. Flinging the undergarment over my shoulder, I allowed my eyes to wander over her gorgeous breasts.

Her chest was heaving as I took in her small and round globes, her perfectly brown nipples standing at attention. Then my gaze slid up to meet hers. There was trepidation in her eyes. She’d been nervous about my inspection. Anxious about what I’d think of her body.

I gathered her face in my hands and rose up on my knees. She matched my effort, her teeth worrying her bottom lip. I scooted forward so that our chests were almost touching. She let out a small whimper, and I could feel her breath against my mouth as her lips trembled.

I leaned toward her, my lips barely grazing hers. “I always knew you’d be beautiful, Rachel.”

She closed her eyes and bent back her head to rest against my fingers. As if she were allowing my words to rinse over her. Her eyelashes fanned across her cheeks and her chest flushed a rosy color.

She’d never looked prettier.

I’d seen her vulnerable that entire year after the accident, when she was attempting to pick up the pieces of her life. Trying to survive.

But this was a different kind of weakness that I never would have guessed I would witness. She’d hoped I found her desirable. Me. The boy who she didn’t even fucking realize loved her. The one who already worshiped her, body and soul.

And I wasn’t sure where this defenselessness was coming from.

Maybe she thought I was some kind of sex expert. A guy who had seen one too many girls’ bodies. But there was nothing compared to seeing the body of the girl you loved.

She knocked the goddamn wind out of me.

I couldn’t hold myself back any longer, as I tunneled my fingers through her hair. I ran my tongue along her bottom lip and then bit down lightly. Her eyes snapped open.

My tongue probed the seam of her mouth and she parted her lips. The tips of our tongues brushed against each other while we openly stared into each other’s eyes.

As if we were being honest in this one moment. Showing each other our cards. Proving how exposed we felt in the other’s presence.

Then I deepened the kiss, and her eyes fell closed in a moan. My mouth moved over hers in a heated rush as my hands traveled down her back to clutch her ass and yank her hips forward. Her fingers grasped onto my hair as our bodies finally met skin to skin. And the feeling was indescribable.

This desperate need to feel her completely naked against me bubbled up inside me. I nudged her back onto the bed and sank down so that my skin could touch hers. I propped my forearms so as not to crush her as she opened her legs to accommodate me. My hard-as-nails dick met her soft and warm center, and we fit together like a glove. It was fucking amazing.

“Kai,” she whispered, as I took my time kissing her—her mouth warm, her tongue like velvet, as it glided smoothly against mine. My hands on her ass, I slid my lips down her neck to her collarbone. I bit down on the sensitive flesh there and ground my hard-on against her.

“Please . . . I need you.” She drove her hips against mine as she breathed on my neck.

My mouth trailed down the center of her chest and then closed around one of her stiff peaks. I felt her shudder as I flicked my tongue against the tender skin there. I moved to the other side, licking and sucking, while I cupped and pinched the other breast.

Her hands were going wild, nails scraping through my hair, down my neck, and along my back. When her moans became louder I looked into her eyes and shook my head, a silent reminder that my sister was just down the hall.

She squeezed her eyes shut and exhaled a shaky breath. I captured the skin at her throat and sucked on it greedily all while grinding my hips into hers.

Her fingers glided down my chest to my pants. Unbuttoning the top button and unzipping partway, her thumb swiped over the top of my dick. Ah, fuck.

“Rach, wait.” I gasped when her fingers slipped farther inside and she clutched me with her warm hand.

“You . . .” Her hand stilled and her lips parted. “You’re . . . pierced.”

I raised an eyebrow. “I tried to warn you.”

Her finger looped through the ring on the underside of my head, making me shudder. “How in the hell does this even work?”

I attempted to rein in my harsh breaths.

“I’ve been told it works pretty well,” I grunted out.

“You are full of surprises, you know that?” she said, marveling at me.

I grasped her hands and then pinned them above her head, rocking into her even harder. She wrapped her legs around my waist and thrust upward.

The tip of my dick strained against her entrance. “Fuck, Rachel.” The friction created from the seam of her shorts almost caused me to lose my load.

She tugged at my arms, attempting to get her hands loose. When I shook my head and smirked, she stretched her mouth upward and bit my lip, like some wild animal. “Keep that up and I’m going to come in five seconds flat.”

Her hot and stinging lips devoured my neck and my ear. Then she flicked her tongue against my mouth. When I parted my lips, she urged my tongue into her mouth and sucked on it, hard.

Beyond turned on, I was close to stripping her completely naked and licking every single inch of her skin. Branding her. Owning her. Showing her who in the fuck was boss.

I released her hands and reached down between us, grasping at the front of her cotton shorts. My fingers found her center and I rubbed her through the material.

“I want to feel your fingers,” she pleaded. “Please, touch me.”

My mouth moved down to claim her breast while my fingers slipped beneath her underwear to her very slick center. Her skin was silky smooth and—fuck me—she was completely bare. I closed my eyes in an attempt to calm my racing heart, which was pounding like a jackhammer in my chest.

She arched her back with wild abandon as my finger swept deep within her. I urged another finger inside, and my thumb stayed on her swollen nub, swirling and rubbing, as her eyes glazed over. She was close and so was I, from the pure arousal of watching her.

All it took was a few more swipes of my thumb. As she let herself go, shuddering and gasping, I fused my mouth to hers, absorbing her sounds. She cupped my ass and continued tugging me toward her. I ground my dick against her soft center a few more times, completely on the edge of losing my fucking mind.

“Come for me, Kai.” The sound of her voice urging me on was all that it had taken. I buried my face in her neck as I came hard.

“Holy fuck.” I sank down in a heap, making sure not to crush her.

“Yeah, no shit,” she said, as her palm swiped over the mess I’d made on her stomach.

I retrieved a handful of tissues from the box of Kleenex on my nightstand and did my best to clean her up as she lay panting and staring up at me.

Her finger traced over the flesh of my bottom lip, and then she lifted up to place a soft and intimate kiss on my mouth. Her eyes stayed open, and I saw tenderness and affectionate reflected in them.

I lay down beside her and pulled her body into mine. We stayed silent for a few long moments, only listening to our breaths. When she went lax against me, I knew that she’d fallen asleep.

I wouldn’t be able to doze off for another solid hour at least, so I’d make certain to wake her in time. But for now, it sure felt fucking sweet having Rachel curled up in my bed.

Chapter Eighteen Rachel

I was meeting Miles again tonight and this time was going to be different, I could feel it. He’d been biding his time, saving himself up. Maybe even seeing if I was too delicate to hear it. So I’d decided to meet him in a public place where I felt comfortable and would have my friends for support if I needed them. Most evenings, the casino was noisy and crowded, so it may not have been the perfect location to have a serious conversation. But alone in a quiet restaurant over dinner felt too romantic, and I was already anxious enough.

Miles and I had gotten together by ourselves only one other time—at the FroYo place near Pure. Again, it had been quiet and ordinary. Almost humdrum. I’d begun to question what in the hell we’d ever had in common. He claimed he had stuff to say to me, but yet again, he never did.

Then his text came last night.

Miles: Meet up again? I really need to get some things off my chest.

Rachel: You’ve had plenty of opportunity, Miles.

Miles: I know I have. I was just . . . giving you time to get comfortable around me again.

Me: ???

Miles: I wanted to see what it would be like to hang with you. To spend time getting to know you again. See what there still was between us.

Me: WTF? Pretty sure we’re not on the same wavelength. I only met up with you so you could say what you needed to say. NOT to be in each other’s space again. You can’t make that decision for me. I swear to God, Miles, you need to get on with it. Spill it or be on your way. This is absolutely the last time I will be meeting with you. Got that?

Miles: Got it. And I agree.

I figured if he held back yet again, then I would be the one to say good-bye. Three times would be enough closure for me.

He was lucky I was even giving him this chance. But I had to admit, I was still curious about what he had to say.

Dakota and Kai were at work, so I got ready alone in the apartment. I kept dropping my mascara wand in the sink as I prayed that I wouldn’t make a fool of myself by dressing in the outfit Dakota had insisted I wear. Had I been at the university prepping for a frat party with the girls, I would have worn my sexiest shirt, my tightest jeans, and swiped on one more coat of mascara. I pleaded for that confident and carefree mind-set now.

I had wondered for hours on end what in the hell Miles could possibly have to confess. Even though I felt stronger each time I saw him, I was afraid continued contact with him might finally break the dam keeping my emotions at bay. Would wreck me all over again. I actually questioned if these past three years were only a precariously placed Band-Aid over my heart and whether I’d done any real healing after all.

What if I only thought that I’d become stronger, self-possessed, and secure in my own skin? Maybe my supposed healing was a ticking time bomb, like the carefully monitored pressure in my brain, threatening to boil over at any moment. Be my undoing. Take me to my final grave.

Everybody still tiptoed around the subjects of Miles and my accident. I knew Mom and Dad were terrified that I’d have long-term physical complications, like an infection or a random blood clot—it was a long shot, sure, but I saw the caution in their eyes.

Allowing me to go away to college had been a huge step for them—of letting me go. I could still feel the tethers from miles away.

The only person who seemed to treat me the same was Kai. He’d always had this quiet confidence that I would be okay, that everything would work out. And for that alone I admired him. Appreciated him. Would always consider him a best friend.

But best friends didn’t get that gnawing feeling in their stomaches when they saw each other, the one that gets you all knotted up inside, hoping that the too-perfect moments from another night could be repeated again and again.

A platonic friend didn’t stand in front of the mirror and wonder if the same outfit she was wearing to meet her ex would also appeal to that certain someone else working tonight.

If anything, I should have been thanking Kai for the distraction; otherwise I would have been a basket case at this point. Instead, my stomach twisted and sloshed with anxiety and dread.

I tugged the black mini dress from the hanger and slipped it over my head and down around my hips. Then I stepped into my killer black pumps. I rarely dressed like this, but Dakota had shoved her collection of gorgeous dresses at me, adamant that I wear this number because the neckline made my boobs look bigger. She told me to go big or go home. She said if this was the last meet-up with Miles, he needed to have one final hot memory of me.

I turned toward my closet and considered pulling out my best pair of jeans and my highest wedges instead. But I was already dressed, and it kind of felt nice to wear a dress for a change. Maybe I should do it more often. Maybe Dakota was rubbing off on me.

I looked in the mirror, and as a line of red washed across my cheeks, I imagined Kai kissing my neck. The way the ball of his tongue ring dragged across my flesh and how his fingertips felt rough and uneven from plucking at the strings of his bass.

Thinking about the sexiness that Kai exuded was definitely serving as a great diversion from my meet up with Miles.

* * *

I drove to the casino in a haze, prepping myself for the night ahead. I parked in the garage and took the elevator up to the casino level. As I neared the bar, I saw that Miles was already seated at a small table. My emotions flooded back. How it had felt to be with him. How I’d melded into his body, his interests and plans. How I’d lost who I was with him.

How I had just allowed him to talk me into meeting with him on three separate occasions.

And there had been something altogether comfortable about letting him have that control, because I didn’t have to think or prepare—I just had to be. A perfect role for a first-time girlfriend of a hugely popular jock. I had been virtually invisible.

Until suddenly I wasn’t—because of the crash and the recovery, the scars and the shaved head. It had been as if he’d stepped out of the limelight and allowed me to take center stage, which I’d never even asked for. Which I’d never even wanted. Especially not for that.

I wasn’t that girl anymore, and tonight, I needed for him to know it.

He stood as if in a daze when I approached the table and then pitched forward to pull out my chair. Ever the gentleman. Adults loved him. His own parents worshiped him, just like everybody else in this damn town. Even my parents had loved him. Until he’d walked away so callously.

“Thank you,” I said clumsily.

He returned to his seat as his eyes greedily took me in. “You look great, Rachel.”

I dipped my head, feeling uncomfortable about the compliment. Even though I had selfishly wanted it. “Thanks.”

“I ordered you a beer. Hope that’s okay.” And it all came crashing back. How he’d always done things like that—things that I’d thought I liked—under the pretense of his taking care of me.

I felt my rage welling up. “What if I wasn’t in the mood for a beer today?”

“Shoot, you’re right.” His eyes widened in discomfort. “Sorry. Order whatever the hell you want.”

“I will, thanks,” I said, my eyes meeting his in a challenge.

He studied me from across the table, and I had trouble holding his gaze. I looked down at the bar menu in front of me.

“God, you’re so different, Rachel.”

“Of course I am.” My eyes slid back up to meet his. And suddenly I had a moment of vulnerability. Something he often brought out in me. “Is . . . is that a bad thing?”

“Hell no,” he said. “Just wasn’t sure what to expect after so long.”

I ordered a margarita from the server, and we sat in awkward silence for a few moments.

Tapping my fingers on the black tabletop, I said, “What did you need to say, Miles?”

“I just . . .” He adjusted the sleeves of his button-down. My thoughts immediately drifted to Kai and how differently he’d dressed from someone like Miles. Miles was so prep school, with his starched shirt and loose jeans. He wouldn’t be caught dead with any piercings on his body. I used to love that clean-cut look in a guy. Had sought it out, even.

What had changed in a couple weeks’ time?

I’d gotten it on with a bad-boy musician with more holes in his ears than in mine, and he’d made me feel damn good. He’d made me forget. So fucking what?

Kai was somewhere in this casino working one odd job or another, and I forced my gaze back to Miles. I needed to be present no matter how much I was fighting it. The dread of what Miles was about to say was difficult to tamp down. And the longing to meet Kai’s gaze—to have him silently tell me all would be okay—before Miles got on with it was tugging at me.

“Could you listen to me first without interrupting?” Miles said, his voice low, timid even.

I started to protest and tell him where to stick it, but he cut me off by saying, “I’m afraid I won’t be able to get it all out. And I want to. Please.”

I nodded and then waited for him to begin, all the while scanning the bar area, hoping to see a comforting face. But all I saw were drunk guys and hard-up girls. And it occurred to me that on any other night during college, those girls would have been me. Just looking for a good time for a couple of hours.

“Listen, Rachel,” Miles said. My eyes sprang back to his. “What I did to you was wrong. So damn wrong. And I’d never make any excuses about it.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping his apology would finally register. I’d wanted to hear it for so long that now the words just sounded hollow in my ears.

“But I need you to understand what was going on in my head at the time.” He took a quick sip of beer, maybe for courage. “I just . . .”

Just get it out already was the phrase screaming inside my head. So I could get the hell out of there and do whatever I needed to do to lose myself. To forget the ache in my heart.

“Look, I though maybe I could make it up to you somehow. See if we still had what it took . . . to date again. That’s one of the reasons why I kept asking to see you.”

Anger lapped at my neck and heat crawled across my cheeks. “I’m pretty sure you don’t get to make that decision alone, dill weed.”

“I know that, okay?” he said, clenching his teeth. “You promised not to say anything until I was done.”

I gave a curt nod. “Whatever. Go on.”

“See, before the accident, I was already questioning our relationship,” he said, looking away from me. Like a goddamn coward. “Wondering how to break it off.”

I sucked in a deep breath. That certainly was news to me.

I hadn’t been expecting that confession, and it felt like a hard slap across the face.

An old wound being ripped open.

Was his damn promise ring some last-ditch effort to keep me happy? Fucking promise ring. What a crock. A racket. A bucket load of shit. So glad that puppy had been lost after the accident.

I was so stunned I didn’t even know how to arrange my face. So I just sat there, unblinking. Unable to move my lips into any semblance of words.

Chapter Nineteen Kai

I was filling in for a cashier who’d called in sick at the casino that day and only had about an hour left on the clock. My father had looked impressed when I arrived ten minutes early for my shift. I wasn’t about to fuck around where the casino’s money was concerned, even though I was bored stiff and my fingers were numb from counting out change.

Rachel had slept almost until morning in my room the previous night, and when she awoke, we both agreed to be more careful. I had no clue what in the hell we were doing. All I knew was that it felt damn good.

I figured it was nice for her, too. Probably in a different way. This is what she’d been doing with random guys for the past three years. But I knew we shared something more—a history. She loved me like a brother. Okay, maybe not like a brother anymore. Maybe more like a guy friend.

I still thought she was only using me instead of going out to the local bar to work out her issues or whatever the hell it was that she’d been doing with those guys. And I was fine with that. It was going to hurt like a bitch at the end of the summer when all of this ended, but at least I’d have those memories to hold on to.

Her soft and smooth skin. How she watched me when I touched her. The excitement in her eyes when I took control. How she thrilled at taking it back. Watching her shudder when she came. The way her tits were perfectly round and full in my hands.

She’d have no clue I was thinking or feeling any of this, and it would remain that way. She probably figured this was what I did with all the girls I’d been with. Except she’d be so wrong.

I didn’t savor or revere those girls or even remember some of their names. But I didn’t want to give Rachel the impression that I liked being with her too much—she might pull away if she knew. I needed to act natural and confident like I always had around the opposite sex.

So when this super hot chick headed toward me at the cashier’s counter, I gave her a good look up and down. I tried to push the image of Rachel far away. “What can I do for you?”

“Lots of things.” She hesitated a moment while allowing her gaze to roll over me. “But first I need to cash these in.”

She handed me a pile of ten-dollar chips through the Plexiglas window.

“Been playing some roulette?”

“Yep, been playing lots of games.” She was full-on flirting with me now. And I was all for getting my mind off Rachel, until I looked over her shoulder and saw Miles heading straight to the bar. He looked like he was alone, and I wondered what in the fuck he was doing here.

He stopped briefly to talk to Shane, who was on security duty tonight. Shane met my gaze across a row of Lucky Seven slot machines and gave me a firm nod.

“Is everything okay?” the blond in front of me asked.

“Everything’s cool. Sorry about that.” I handed her the cash and turned to break open a new stack of one-dollar bills, essentially giving her the message that our little flirting session was over. She huffed before walking away, and I blew out a breath of my own.

Shane strode toward me and stuck his head in the window before the next customer could step up. “Rachel’s meeting Miles at the bar tonight.”

I clenched a row of hundred-dollar chips as my entire body tensed.

“What the fuck for?”

“Calm down, big brother,” he said quiet enough for only me to hear. “She told Dakota that if she was going to meet him again, it would be in a public place close to where her friends were.”

My shoulders instantly unwound. She wanted the security of her friends in case things went south fast.

I raised an eyebrow. “And how is it that you know this when I live with the girl?”

Shane looked momentarily guilty and then shrugged. “Just ran into Dakota. She told me to look out for Rachel. My shift’s over soon anyway.”

“Yeah, mine, too,” I said, looking at the giant clock behind me. “Meet you in the bar in a few.”

After he moved away, I called up the next customer, an older gentleman with some five-hundred-dollar chips. Man, the amount of money that filtered through this place was mind-boggling. I made sure to concentrate on my task instead of on the douche bag at the bar. I didn’t want to count the bills wrong or make any other stupid mistakes that would get back to my father. He’d hand me my ass on a silver platter.

In between customers, I saw Rachel enter the bar, practically taking all the air in the room with her. I’d rarely seen her dressed up and—goddamn—certainly never in a sexy-ass dress and fuck-me-now heels. My stomach clenched painfully knowing she’d worn that outfit for him. But could I blame her? Who wouldn’t want to look her best when meeting up with an ex? Unless it was an ex you gave two shits about getting back together with.

Fuck, was that what this was about? Was she hoping for reconciliation? And how about Miles?

And that’s when I saw her—this blond chick with bright-red lipstick sitting at the roulette table not far from the bar. Miles made eye contact with her a couple of times as if he knew her.

Had he brought along a date for his meeting with Rachel? What a stupid-ass motherfucker. Sure, I was relieved that he probably had no intention of getting back together with Rachel, but my protective instinct had now kicked in full force.

Rachel had taken a seat across from Miles, and I could see only the back of her head and her profile when she turned her face to briefly look around. Was she searching for her friends? I noticed how she clenched her fists and bit down on her lip, and damn, I hated that Miles made her so apprehensive.

I could barely keep my eyes on the customers, but I forced myself to look down at my cash drawer. As soon as there was a lull in the line, my gaze returned to them.

At one point, Miles reached across the table as if to comfort her, but Rachel moved her hand beneath the table and kept her body stiff and upright. I could see the tension rolling off of her as Miles kept talking, making his point with his fingers, and then finally letting his head drop into his hands.

When his head was down, I saw her swipe at the corner of her eye, like she was afraid he’d noticed that she’d been moved to tears. She was trying to be so strong in front of him, and I badly wanted to punch the shit out of him like I’d done that day after the accident.

But I needed to remind myself that this talk between them was necessary for resolution. Just like it was essential for me to see how emotionally unavailable she continued to be. How much leftover baggage she still had with this guy.

Besides, she only liked that I got her off.

Nothing more, nothing less.

But maybe after this meet-up with Miles, Rachel would finally be able to shake the influence he continued to have over her. It was the same power she held over me. The power to destroy me with one word. One look.

Maybe there was that one person who could forever haunt you. For her, it would be Miles. And for me, it would be Rachel. But there was no way I was turning back now, because the reality of having Rachel’s body in my arms was so much better than the fucking fantasy of having her heart.

So I needed to keep up appearances. Continue being the reckless dude who messed around with girls. And I’d be that for her for as long as she needed me to be.

Even if it broke me.

Chapter Twenty Rachel

“We were talking about our future, thinking about colleges, and I was wondering whether we’d really last, you know?” Miles said. I was having trouble concentrating on his actual words. I was too busy trying to remember what it had been like between us. What it had really been like. On the inside. In my gut.

Had I been happy? Had I felt whole when I was with him? Hadn’t I lain awake at night wondering when I’d finally get a backbone and become the person I was supposed to be?

I remembered admiring Dakota and Kai in those days. Not because they came from a close family. Not because they were good-looking and had loads of money.

But because both were so confident and self-assured. Even when Kai was fucking up and getting in trouble, he did it with finesse. Like he knew exactly what he was getting himself into and could remain in control. I wanted that self-possessed certainty. That poised surety. I was like some bumbling fool next to the two of them.

I got why we hung out. In the privacy of my own circle of friends, I could be funny, cocky even. But get me in front of a group of guys and I became a wallflower. And if that’s what attracted Miles to me in the first place, it was kind of pathetic. He’d once told me he’d been used to girls throwing themselves at him, and it had been refreshing being with someone like me.

Someone like me. Those words now rang true in my head.

“I mean”—Miles was still talking, and I flicked my eyes back to him—“in the end, I couldn’t see us married or anything, Rachel. And I know I gave you that ring. But . . . God, that was so stupid of me. I was confused . . . and again, feeling guilty.”

I shook my head numbly. I didn’t want him to see how much his revelation was affecting me. I didn’t want the tears that were burning the back of my throat to spill down my cheeks.

“You relied on me for a lot of things.” I gave an imperceptible nod, agreeing with him in my own way. “And . . . and I let you. You never really stood up for yourself. You became different from the girl I was first attracted to.”

I had trouble dispelling the oxygen from my lungs. I knew exactly the girl he was referring to, but I asked him anyway. “And what girl was that?”

“You were gutsy and sarcastic and seemed to have so much confidence—at least in front of your friends,” he said, and I could only agree with that. Because he was right. I had been mostly invisible to boys when next to my very beautiful best friend, and that had been fine by me. When it came to guys, I hadn’t known how to act.

Except with Kai. When he had been with his friends, I would freeze up, sure. When he’d pull me into his chest, mess up my hair, and treat me like a kid, I’d be embarrassed. But in private, when I’d spend weekends at their house, sleeping over in my best friend’s room, we’d had a blast together. We would stay up late watching movies, playing video games, sneaking into their parents’ liquor and getting tipsy.

When Kai would come home late from dates with girls, his hair mussed, his face shiny from lip-gloss, I would be intrigued. I’d wonder exactly what he’d done with those girls.

And here Miles was talking negatively about the same girl who Kai had warned me I’d become in that relationship. I threw a look over my shoulder to see if he was anywhere around. I could’ve used the distraction right then.

“Rachel?” I brought my attention back to Miles. “I’m sorry if this is hard to hear.”

“It’s not,” I said, clamping down my jaw. “I already figured all of it out myself.”

I purposely made my voice sound harsh. No way was he going to have control over my emotions again. “So go on. Say whatever else you need to say.”

Sadness filtered through his eyes before he continued. I found it hard not to look away. Seeing him miserable affected me whether or not I wanted to admit it. No matter how much he hurt me, I still cared about him. I couldn’t help myself.

It wasn’t the same kind of caring it had once been. It had evolved and transformed into something different. Something that bordered on agony. Almost like going through the surgery to put my head back together. I knew that in the end, it would be the best thing for me—despite hurting like a bitch and knowing I’d come out differently.

Others who have life-changing experiences find God, become charitable, go around preaching not to take life for granted. I’d never had that need. I figured people already knew just how precious life was.

I let other people ignore signs of my accident as they went about their daily life, because any reminder would be too painful for them. I remembered how difficult it had been for people to look me in the eyes when I’d attempted everyday tasks in the weeks following my accident—like walking into the grocery store, needing the support of my mother’s arm or a cane.

Life was hard enough.

Instead of going around preaching about just how fragile our existence was, I took life by the balls. I got my needs met—physical, mental, social—did whatever the hell I wanted, never worrying how I looked to those around me. They didn’t know me anyway.

It was a pretty fucked-up way of conducting my life, I now realized. Even I could see the absurdity of my last three years. I had been over-the-top, like a clown with too much makeup. If I’d just toned it down, people might’ve actually been able to understand me better, see me more clearly. I was just some messed-up girl trying to navigate her way through relationships and decisions. Through life.

“I asked you to take a ride on that motorcycle with me,” Miles said, with conviction in his voice. And it dawned on me that he’d been trying to navigate through life in his own way, too. “And after the accident . . . seeing you like that, knowing it was my fault?”

Suddenly his head dropped to his hands, and I was stunned into silence. “I couldn’t live with myself. With the idea that I’d hurt you.”

My fingers reached across the table to comfort him, but they fell short. He should’ve been comforting me, damn it. Not the other way around. I quickly wiped a tear from my eye, so he didn’t see it spill over.

“No, Miles.” I cleared my throat. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“I was driving the damn thing, Rachel,” he said through clenched teeth. “I’m the one who was being careless. I caused the accident.”

Honestly, the revelation that he’d felt that much remorse took me by surprise. I mean, Shane felt guilty about his bike—but his guilt had looked different. Shane didn’t just fucking walk away.

“Don’t you see?” His voice was muffled by his hands. “Not only did I feel guilty about wanting to break up with you. I also had the shame of the accident.”

Those words delivered a powerful punch straight to my gut. I was surprised I wasn’t hunched over dry heaving or something.

“Got it,” I mumbled, tasting bile in the back of my throat.

I couldn’t remember a time I had felt lower as a human than waking up in the hospital, unable to speak or use my limbs. I felt my bottom lip quivering and clamped my teeth down on it. I was so close to losing it. To letting all my sorrow burst free.

“I’m so damn sorry, Rachel,” he said, lifting his head. “Please, believe me.”

I said nothing in return, maybe secretly wanting to prolong his torture.

And then fury, disappointment, and agony bubbled to the surface as I stared at his perfectly shaved head and starched collar.

What a fuck stick. A goddamn motherfucking fuck stick. Plain and simple.

And if I truly had been half the girl I pretended to be at TSU, I would have said that out loud.

For everyone in the entire universe to hear.

But he was only being honest. And I probably should’ve respected him for that. My anger deflated and then dissipated as my own pride and humiliation won out.

He had put it all on the line, never mincing words. He could have left out the bit about how he’d felt about me and just worked the guilt angle. But no, he was pouring it all out in front of me. Every last bit of his ugly words—his ugly truth.

I wanted to stomp on it and bury it deep within my subconscious.

Maybe he’d actually done me a favor. Had he hung in there with me, I probably wouldn’t have fought so hard. After all, the tears and the wallowing, the heartache and the shame did a hell of a lot to spur me on. Along with having my life hanging in the balance.

“What made you decide to tell me all of this now?” I said, trying to compose myself yet again and failing miserably. “Why wait three years, make me go through hell wondering what in the fuck was going through your head?”

“I was immature. I didn’t have the balls.” His eyes leveled on me. “I’d like to think that I’ve got myself together and am now admitting to my mistakes.”

At the cost of my feelings, I wanted to say, but I didn’t. Because on the one hand, I was grateful to truly know what he’d been thinking. I’d always wondered. Hell, I had killed myself wondering. And one day soon, it would sting less.

“I just didn’t feel like I could go on any longer without telling you how deeply sorry I am.” I saw his eyes skate over my shoulder to something behind me and I wondered just who or what he was looking at. “Do you think you can ever forgive me?”

“Forgive you?” I blinked at him. He wanted me to absolve him.

And it should have been a profound moment between us as he waited for my answer. Except that he stole a look behind me again. This time I turned in the direction he had just glanced only to see a blond girl subtly shaking her head at him. “Who in the hell are you looking at?”

“Damn it, Rachel. I’m sorry.” He sighed. “That’s . . . Melanie. She’s . . . a friend and she’s kind of here for moral support.”

I considered flinging my drink in his face, but then thought better of it when I spotted Dakota in my peripheral vision, rounding the corner on her way to the other bar on the opposite side of the casino. Hadn’t I also come seeking moral support from my friends?

“Please, don’t be upset. She encouraged me to talk to you. And . . . being around her helped me figure out that maybe I have stronger feelings for her than I’d realized.” And now he looked love-sick, and I wanted to punch him in the face. “Ha . . . haven’t you been dating anyone, Rachel?”

Nope, just sleeping around with every Tom, Dick, and Jock to get you out of my head. How pathetic. He might actually be moving on to a significant relationship, and I’d done nothing more than have meaningless flings.

I stood up, wanting to get as far away from him as possible—and I had never felt that way about him before. But I didn’t want to be in his space any longer. Not one goddamn minute more.

The truth of it made my knees feel weak. I grasped at the edge of the table.

“I need to go. Thanks for baring your fucking soul,” I spat out as his mouth hung open. “Have a nice life.” Asshole.

Chapter Twenty-one Kai

Rachel looked visibly shaken. Miles seemed shell-shocked as well. Fuck, what the hell had the two of them discussed? My shift was just about over, so it was the perfect time to make sure she was okay.

But as I picked up my pace in switching over the drawer to the next cashier on duty, I saw Rachel head toward Dakota and Shane, who were already seated at the other lounge across the way.

I looked around the casino to see if I could spot Miles, as my hands clenched into fists. I wanted to follow him and break his fucking nose. But I was too late. He had slipped out the main entrance with the blond I’d seen earlier at the roulette table. Besides, another fistfight wouldn’t go over well with my father, especially in his casino.

As soon as Rachel reached Dakota, my sister pulled her into a tight hug and then tried to steady her shaking hands. That only made me work faster.

I tried to look as casual as possible walking to the table, not like I was ready to yank Rachel into my arms and comfort her.

Except Sam cut me off at the pass. He must have just gotten off his shift at the blackjack table.

“Kai, I wanted to tell you about the visiting hours at the hospital.”

“Okay, right,” I said, turning toward him. “Of course.”

Rachel twisted in her seat at the sound of my voice. “Sam, this is my friend, Rachel.”

“Hi, Sam,” Rachel said, her lips lifting at the corners. “Nice to meet you.”

He gave a slight bow. “The pleasure is all mine.”

“Sam’s grandson Micah is at Northeast Community Hospital,” I explained. “He’s in bad shape right now awaiting a heart transplant.”

Different emotions passed through Rachel’s eyes. Sadness, sympathy, and maybe understanding.

“Thought I’d bring my guitar to the hospital and play some tunes for him or something.”

“I’m so sorry, Sam,” Rachel said, her mouth turned down in a frown. “But Kai here is the perfect person to visit Micah. He’s great company.”

She gave me a disarming smile and then waved as Sam said his good-byes.

In a rush of emotion, I placed my hands on her shoulders and leaned close to her ear. “Hey. Everything okay?”

She nodded. “I’m good.”

Dakota and Shane didn’t look like they believed her. They sat silently staring at her, Dakota swirling her straw in her drink and Shane’s eyes moving from my face to Rachel’s.

I took the seat next to Rachel as she gulped from her new margarita glass. “Whoa, lush. How many drinks is that?”

“Only my second,” she said. “But I could use a shot.”

Dakota’s mouth hung open as if she’d never seen her friend drink before. But maybe she was just concerned Rachel would get drunk, and then she’d bolt on us like she had the other night from Shane’s party.

“C’mon, you guys. Lighten up,” Rachel said to them. And then to me, “You got a cigarette?”

I cracked a smile. “You take up smoking all of a sudden?”

“I could use one right now,” she said, and then muttered, “Unless you’ve got something stronger.”

“This from the person who tried to make a deal with me to quit?” That got another smile out of her. “Nah, I’ve been trying to lay off.”

Her eyes beamed like the fucking sun or something, and I got lost in their orbit. “Oh yeah, you got something to prove?”

“Damn straight,” I said. “To a lot of people.”

It was my way of telling her that she’d had some influence over me, despite my needing to quit because of my parents’ threat about the casino drug policy. But truth be told, I hadn’t been this clear-headed in days. Maybe in months.

I caught Jimmy’s eye from behind the bar and motioned to him for a cancer stick. “Jimmy will hook you up.”

I walked over to the bar, ordered four shots, a Jack and Coke, and then grabbed the cigarette and lighter from him. I made two trips back to the table with our drinks, sat down, and picked up my shot glass. “Cheers.”

“To good friends,” Dakota said before gulping down her shot.

After I downed my drink I brought the cigarette to my lips, lighting it for Rachel. I noticed the way she stared at my lips, and I hoped she was thinking the same thing I was. About getting lost in each other later tonight.

And I also hoped we weren’t too obvious in front of my sister and my best friend. But when I looked up, I saw they were too busy making small talk across the table to notice.

Even though I’d warned Shane not to touch my sister with a ten-foot pole, I was feeling more and more fraudulent. Who the hell was I to dictate whom someone wanted to hook up with?

Still, the idea of my best friend and my sister together made me nauseous. Especially after I’d heard stories from him my whole life about the different girls he’d had and what he’d done with them. I mean, he was definitely a decent guy—the best, actually.

But I couldn’t stomach the idea of them hooking up, especially when someone was bound to come away with a broken heart. I shook away the thought of that exact same scenario going down between Rachel and me.

I handed her the lit cigarette, and our fingers brushed against one another briefly, sending a low-voltage current through me. She bought the cigarette to her lips and inhaled deeply. Something about her putting her mouth right where mine had been made me horny as hell.

“So, what the hell did Miles say?” Dakota said, finally asking the question we all wanted answered.

“If he said something to hurt you or even worse—” I started to say, but Rachel shot me a scathing look to shut me up.

“I don’t need you taking up for me anymore, asshead,” she said in the tone I’d come to find affectionate over the years. “But thanks anyway.”

“Fine, Shelly.” I emphasized the word, and she rolled her eyes. “For fuck’s sake, just tell us what happened already.”

She deadpanned and then shook her head, a hint of amusement playing along her lips. “Geez, we just talked . . . about what happened after my accident.”

I bit my tongue and ground my feet into the floor. I was liable to run out of the building on an all-out manhunt and never hear her explanation.

The table fell silent, waiting. We’d always been open like this with one another, but Rachel seemed reserved today. Nervous, even. She had already shredded the napkin in front of her and was now working on mine, her lit cigarette wasting away in the ashtray.

Was it because of what we’d been doing behind closed doors or was it that the conversation between her and Miles had been too emotional? Too brutal? She’d certainly looked a bit decimated when she left his table. As had he.

I tried to give her some reassurance by finding her thigh beneath the table and brushing against it with my fingers, but that only caused her to blush and tense up. And it only made me want to yank her against me. That dress she was wearing pushed up her cleavage, and fuck if I hadn’t just laid my eyes on those tits the other night.

She stubbed out the cigarette after being halfway done and heaved a deep sigh.

“He told me he’d been thinking a long time about why he’d done that to me.”

“And?” Shane said now, as if trying to urge her on.

“He walked away from me because he felt guilty,” she said, almost hesitantly. “Tha . . . that it had been his fault for urging me to get on that damn bike, after all.”

She moved her lips to say something else and then clamped her mouth shut. Maybe we didn’t need to hear the raw and gritty details of what two people had confessed to each other after being in a relationship. Even if it had been three years ago and in high school. I certainly didn’t want to hear any specifics, unless she needed to share them.

Shane tried to hide his remorse as his gaze fled to his lap, and I shook my head. Before I could say what was on the tip of my tongue, Rachel piped up. “And, Shane, you need to cut that shit out.”

His head sprang up. “Huh?”

“You feel guilty because it was your motorcycle,” she said. “Always have.”

He stared at her for another beat before nodding.

“Look, it was my choice to go for a ride. Nobody else’s,” she said, and Dakota nodded, maybe in an effort to comfort Shane. “It could’ve been anybody’s bike.”

“True,” Dakota said, starting to reach out to Shane before thinking better of it. The poor dude had tension rolling off of him in waves.

So I made an effort to lighten the mood. “Yeah, so stop beating yourself up about it. If I catch you moping anymore, I’m going to have to kick your ass.”

He cracked a smile. “I’d like to see you try, brother.” It was true—Shane was several inches taller and probably had about fifty pounds on me.

“Soooo . . .” Dakota dragged out the phrase, probably hoping Rachel would continue on her own. “How are you feeling about all of that?”

“I don’t know,” Rachel said, and then ordered another drink from the server as she passed by our table. “I mean, I could tell he was being sincere.”

“Yeah?” Shane asked, looking over his shoulder as if he might see Miles somewhere in the casino.

“He said he had a hard time living with himself,” Rachel mumbled.

“He sure had a shitty way of showing it,” Shane said. “I mean, it took him long enough.”

“Yeah,” Rachel said. “But everyone deals with pain differently. Avery, my friend from college? She had some shit go down with her mom’s boyfriend when she was a teen and basically just shut everyone out of her life.”

Maybe she’d been closer with her college friends than she had let on. Or maybe she chose to share only what she wanted to.

“So what you’re saying is, you forgive him?” Dakota asked.

“I don’t know. I think I have to—so I don’t harbor this anger and sadness about him all the time.” She looked at her friend. “Don’t I?”

“Yeah, you do,” Dakota said before I could respond in the affirmative. “I mean, you’ve carried around all this baggage for the past three years, right?”

Rachel shrugged. “Yeah, mostly.”

“And you haven’t let any other guys get close,” Dakota said matter-of-factly.

I felt Rachel’s thigh tense up next to mine. Did she think she had let me get close? Or was she thinking of all of her past conquests?

“Did he say whether he wanted to see you again . . . or get back together?”

“Hell, no,” she said, steeling her jaw. “Besides, I wouldn’t want that anyway.”

“Really?” Dakota said, staring into her best friend’s eyes, searching for some measure of truth.

“He had someone with him,” Shane said, his words tentative, unsure of whether he was saying too much. “Some blond.”

“Right,” Rachel said. “He said she was his . . . friend and was there for moral support.”

I snorted and Shane smirked. “Wimp-ass.”

Dakota elbowed Shane. “I think that’s kind of sweet. It’s obviously been eating him up.”

“Yeah, I think so,” Rachel said. She was sounding mature about the whole thing. “But he’s still an asshat.”

Dakota grinned. “A jackass.”

“A total fuck stick,” Shane said, before downing his drink.

“A complete dickwad,” Rachel said, laughing. Now it felt more like old times, as the table erupted in laughter, everyone in stitches. My prim and proper sister actually called someone a jackass. Though with good reason.

Then Dakota reined in her laughter and leaned toward Rachel. “Do you . . . still have any feelings for him?”

Now it was my turn to hold my breath. I looked away, pretending I was watching the band set up.

“I don’t think so . . . not anymore,” she said, taking her time to carefully think about it. I blew out a breath but disguised it by taking a swig of my drink. “I think in a way, I’ll probably always care about him. But I see now that our relationship was childish, really. I’m not sure I know what real love is. Like, at all.”

“That makes two of us,” Dakota said.

“Three of us,” Shane said, raising his glass in a toast.

I clinked their glasses but kept my mouth shut. Because I think I absolutely did know.

But I was willing to let Rachel go, if that was what she needed in order to be happy.

Chapter Twenty-two Rachel

Kai had left the table to talk to the guy working the soundboard, someone he seemed to know. I also understood it was natural for him to want to be where the music was. I thought he likely was miserable working for his father and felt lost this summer.

Neither of us seemed to know exactly who we were yet. Who we wanted to be. Except maybe who we wanted to be for each other. That felt natural, easy, almost primal.

Immediately I missed the nearness of Kai’s body. His thigh brushing against mine beneath the table. When he’d placed his fingers on my leg in a show of support, I’d nearly melted on the spot. That was the effect he had on me.

I was dreaming up excuses for how to get close to him again tonight, because after that conversation with Miles, I was ready to either get drunk or laid. It beat being alone in my own head for too long. I hated to envision another painful discussion taking place between Kai and me in a few short weeks. So maybe it was time to branch out, pick up somebody else in the casino. Dakota would just think I was trying to move on from Miles, so it would be a win-win for both of us.

Even though I’d spotted some good-looking guys playing poker across the way, I couldn’t keep my gaze from swimming back toward Kai. Noticing how his ass moved in those tight jeans, the bottoms straight and skinny, almost tucked into his black-and-white checkerboard Vans. How his biceps and forearms were muscled beneath the sleeves of that tight burgundy casino T-shirt he was required to wear.

Maybe my brain was messing with me. I had just met with Miles and I was already thinking about the next time I’d be able to see Kai alone. Ask him to hold him. Kiss me. Make me feel good.

Was it that we kept our trysts secret or that he made me feel safe? Safe even from my feelings over Miles. Was I, in fact, still insulating myself from those emotions? Every time I had the urge at TSU to email Miles, look him up online, ask him how he could have walked away so easily, I would find a new guy—preferably a jock—to get lost in.

But Kai was no jock. He was so different from Miles, from anyone I’d been with. So I was even more confused as to why I wanted him so damn much. And I was pretty sure that it came down to how he made me feel, inside and out. How he made me pant for him. Come for him without having sex. Just from the movement of his fingers.

Upon hearing the first note from the band, my eyes immediately sought out Kai again. He had moved toward the far wall to watch them perform. They were a cheesy nineties cover band, the same kind Kai would’ve snubbed his nose at in years past. His sense of music was refined, and he always despised the boy bands and pop music, which made it difficult to listen to the radio in the car when he was around.

I watched as a girl approached him. She was thin, statuesque, and gorgeous. She touched his arm, and his eyes briefly lit up, as if in recognition. My heart vaulted to my throat, my blood pulsing through my veins, as an unexplainable emotion coursed through me.

As she engaged him in conversation, I tried my hardest to keep my focus on the exchange between Shane and Dakota, rather than on Kai and Barbie.

“See, what’d I tell you about my brother?” Dakota said, following my line of sight.

“Leave him alone, he’s not doing anything wrong,” Shane said. “Just how it is. He’s a good-looking dude, a chick magnet—always has been.”

“You’re a good-looking guy,” Dakota said, but her tone wasn’t playful. “Are you saying the same is true for you?”

There was a jealous edge to her voice, and I couldn’t help picking up on the current running between them. I narrowed my eyes at Dakota. She finally remembered I was there, straightened, and looked away guiltily.

I was so cornering her once we were alone. She was going to tell me exactly what was going down between her and Shane.

But when I imagined her questioning the newfound chemistry between Kai and me, I changed my mind. Things might be better left unsaid, especially if Shane and Dakota didn’t yet understand the tension between them, either.

I wondered if Kai noticed anything happening between his sister and best friend and whether he’d pop a blood vessel over it. I certainly wasn’t going to point it out. But one thing was for certain: Dakota would never act on her attraction to Shane. She was too poised, too honorable to do that. She knew Shane was off-limits.

Since when had Dakota and I become so different?

As I looked across the table at my friends and noticed their sidelong glances at each other, I figured they were having the same trouble as me and Kai. Unable to keep their hands off each other but acting like it meant nothing. Well, at least I knew it meant nothing to Kai. Nothing more than a good time.

So what did it mean to me? I didn’t even want to think about it. I just wanted to go with it—I’d never had a problem thinking too hard about sex these past three years. Except those guys were not my childhood best friend’s brother.

“I think the difference is that Shane has always given off a different vibe than Kai,” I said, trying to intervene in their standoff and help Shane out.

But I was also speaking the truth.

“What do you mean?” Dakota said, her eyebrows bunching together.

“Think about it, asshead.” I motioned across the table. “Shane gives off the I’m-serious-and-like-being-in-a-relationship vibe, and Kai . . .” Talking about him gave me another excuse to look over at him. The girl was now whispering in his ear and whatever she was saying amused him. His hands were deep in his pockets, and he seemed to be enjoying the attention. “Well, he’s all about the player mode.”

“Maybe,” Shane said. “But I think he’s slowed down a bit in his old age.”

“Oh, really?” Dakota said, looking over at her brother. “What gives you that impression?”

Just then, Kai leaned in to whisper in the blond’s ear, and Shane and Dakota burst out in laughter. I chuckled along with them but this time felt way different. Something was blossoming inside my chest. Something that felt a lot like the green-eyed monster.

I needed to cut that shit out, or I’d be in a world of hurt. But there was this growing hunger, this growing need for Kai developing inside me. There was just something about being with him, and I wondered if he gave each girl he was with the same fluttery feeling. The same attention.

He had a way of making me feel special, as if I was the only one in his line of sight. As if he was going to take care of me. And he’d certainly provided for my physical needs in the past few days. Just like he’d taken care of my emotional needs during my recovery, come to think of it.

Goddamn, since when had all of this transformed into an entire Kai fan-fest? Before I knew it, I’d be making signs and wearing foam fingers and shit. Holding up my lighter for an encore. Joining his other fans in line and squealing like a pathetic schoolgirl.

I needed to stop staring at Kai, or Dakota was going to figure something out. Maybe after we actually did the dirty deed, he’d be out of my system. But he didn’t seem to want to go there with me, even though he never had any problem in that department with other girls.

And that only fueled my desire more.

As soon as I had that thought, Kai looked up and fixed his gaze on me, heavy as steel. A flush stole over my skin. I was certain my eyes betrayed how much I wanted him. Needed him. His gaze fastened me to my seat while he ignored the girl, who was trying to get his attention by tugging on his arm. Finally, he looked away, taking my breath with him and turning my insides into molten lava. I needed to stick my head under a damn faucet or something.

“Going to the bathroom,” I said, standing up abruptly. “Order me another drink?”

I headed past the slot machines, the Triple Sevens I’d never had any luck with at this casino, toward the far wall where the restroom sign was displayed. The casino was pretty full tonight, but it felt empty back there, away from the glaring lights of the machines and the noise of the band.

The men’s room was to the right, the ladies’ room to the left, and in the middle stood a solid white door with the words FAMILY BATHROOM emblazoned across the top. I assumed it was a place for mothers to take their infants, having seen similar separate areas in restaurants and department stores. But who in the hell would bring their baby to a casino?

Then I considered some of the indigenous workers at the casino whom Dakota and Kai had such a connection to, given their shared background. The employees might’ve needed such a facility and maybe the Nakos family accommodated that request.

Before I could get the entire thought out, I felt a hand on my lower back. I almost let out a yelp, but then I heard the low timbre of his voice. “Come with me, Rachel. Now.”

Chapter Twenty-three Rachel

He opened the door to the family bathroom, yanked me inside, and promptly twisted the lock.

I looked around the small space, which contained a sink and a changing table for infants, unable to form any words. First, because we could have easily been caught by family members or friends. Second, because the anticipation of being in close quarters with Kai was making my heart beat at such an erratic rate, I was liable to go into cardiac arrest.

Not allowing me another moment to catch my breath, his fingers gripped the back of my neck and his body moved in close. So damn close. His wedged me between the wall and his hips, and his eyes stared deeply into mine. I saw desire in those dark blue depths.

One hand left my neck and slinked down my rib cage to my leg, creating goose flesh in its wake. It was as if a winter storm was brewing inside me, each touch from his fingertips a drop of melting snow along my skin, creating a tingle of shameless longing.

“Did you wear this sexy dress for Miles?” His fingers brushed beneath the fabric at my thigh and I shuddered at his touch. “Or was it to drive me insane?”

The truth was, I wasn’t sure anymore. Miles would have never yanked me into an empty bathroom to maul me. And maybe I’d never needed him to. Never wanted him to, either. Maybe all the pleasure receptors going haywire in my body were for Kai and Kai alone.

“I . . . I don’t know.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” he murmured against my ear, and I felt an electric current travel through my body.

I realized that what was happening right in this moment was different from the times before with Kai. He hadn’t waited for me to seek him out. He had come to find me.

Did that mean he’d been thinking about me, too? Wanting me just as badly? Or could he just see the need in my eyes at the table?

“Of . . . of course, I needed to look good for my ex.”

“Oh, you look good all right,” he said into my hair. And then he pulled back and his eyes met mine. “Good enough to eat.”

My breath hitched as his hand traveled higher up my leg.

“Is that what you want me to do, Rachel?” His hand now rested on the edge of my panties. “Eat you?”

“Oh God.” I was trembling with need as his fingers slid along the elastic, waiting on my answer.

He positioned his knee between my legs, and I felt my desperation pulsing between my thighs.

My head fell back against the wall. “Please, Kai.”

“Please what, Rachel? Don’t be shy.” His tongue flitted out to lick my ear, and then he pinned my lobe between his teeth. “What do you want me to do?”

I had suddenly become reserved, whereas before I’d always asked for what I wanted. But I needed him so badly right then that for the first time in a long while, I felt vulnerable.

Maybe my need for Kai, plus that emotional conversation with Miles, had thrown me off. Or maybe it was the way Kai smelled or how much I wanted to feel that tongue against my skin again.

“What . . .” I was having difficulty catching my breath. “What happened to the girl you were talking to?”

“Who the hell cares,” he growled. “Maybe I didn’t want her. Maybe you’re the sexiest girl in this whole fucking place and I only wanted to take care of you.”

A deep moan erupted from my lips. I could get off just on his words alone.

I squeezed my eyes shut. “Shit, Kai, is this how you make all the girls feel?”

His grip on me loosened for a split second, giving me the impression that I had thrown him off his game. He leaned in closer. “Are you jealous, Rachel?”

“N-no,” I said. “I . . . I don’t know. I just know that I want you.”

“Well, you have me. Right here and right now.” His voice was low and smooth in my ear. I couldn’t believe how much I liked the sound of those words falling from his lips, even though he meant them only for tonight.

But soon that thought was lost in the buzzing of my brain as he sucked on my neck and shifted his fingers slightly beneath my dress.

“Please, Kai,” I said again.

“Why so reserved? Why can’t you tell me what you want?” he said. “You’ve taken from other guys—so take it from me.”

I held in a gasp. Sure, I’d gotten off from other guys—I couldn’t be angry at his statement. But taking from him was like consuming some aphrodisiac that messed with my head and kept me coming back for more.

I bit my lip and whimpered. “Why won’t you have sex with me?”

My words had set him off. He flattened his body into mine, and I could feel him throbbing and pulsing against my stomach.

“When I do fuck you, Rachel, it’s not going to be in a bathroom,” he snarled. “It’s going to be somewhere I can have you all to myself. All. Night. Long.”

My legs were quivering, vibrating with desire as I fidgeted against him. I panted openly with raw need.

“But right now I’m going to make you feel good.” His voice softened and he kissed the side of my head. “So tell me what in the hell you want.”

His insistent words forced my lips into action. “I want your mouth on me.”

His gaze traveled from the top of my head and blazed a trail down to my feet. “Where do you want my mouth?”

I looked him in the eye, my gaze confident and steady. “On my lips, for starters.”

Without hesitation, he leaned forward and teased my lower lip between his teeth. He bit down and then swiped his tongue across, soothing it. I couldn’t take the torment any longer.

I shifted my hands to his hair and yanked his mouth toward mine. Our tongues clashed in a frantic pace, as Kai slid his thumbs over my eager nipples and seized my breasts. I was panting into his mouth and he pulled away to catch his breath.

Then his hands cupped my face, and his lips touched mine more gently, his tongue slowing us down to a tender, merciless rhythm. It was overwhelming and addicting at the same time.

I again had the sensation that I had never been kissed this way before and I might never be again. I would leave this summer a wreck, a complete mess. And I was doing nothing to stop myself. I couldn’t stop myself.

He drew his mouth away from my lips and moved down my neck, pulling at my dress as he went. The cool air rushed up my legs to my breasts, making my nipples stand even further at attention.

He bunched my dress at my waist and then sank to his knees. Kissing my stomach, he licked a circle around my belly button before caressing it with his lips.

He outlined the top of my thong with his mouth, biting and then dragging his lips along my skin. I was on fire, completely out of my mind, as I squirmed beneath his touch.

His head moved down, and he kissed the tops of my legs, my knees wobbling from the contact. He sucked the inside of one of my thighs before giving it a tiny bite.

It was like a jolt to my system, and a precursor for the next shock wave, as he placed his mouth fully over my mound. I could feel his hot breath straight through the fabric of my underwear, and I would have collapsed into a heap had he not been holding on to my hips.

I moaned so loudly I was afraid anyone outside the door would hear. And, oh yeah, we just happened to be in a public restroom in his family’s place of business. We had apparently lost our minds.

“Is this what you need, Rachel?” His gaze clashed with mine, fire blazing in his irises. “Someone to take care of you?”

“You,” I panted. “I want you to take care of me.”

What in the hell was I saying? Geez, girl, tone it down.

Kai’s eyes flared for a brief moment before he looked back down at my legs.

“You’re going to hold your dress up while I lick your pretty pussy,” he said, rolling up the material to my hands, which now shook at his words. “I already know you’re going to taste amazing.”

He grasped the thin straps of my thong and tugged them down my legs, slipping them over my heels. He kissed each of my ankles, and I gasped at how intimate his lips felt.

I was now naked from the waist down and on display in front of him.

My bottom lip quivered in anticipation. All I wanted was his mouth on me, but I was nervous that he’d seen better—had better—and for some reason that mattered to me. So much so that I almost moved my hand down to cover myself.

“Do you know how much it turns me on that you’re completely bare?” he said, inspecting me, before sliding his eyes up to meet mine. “Tell me you did that for me.”

I couldn’t even form any words. I gave a hint of a nod as his mouth hovered closer to me.

“Look how fucking gorgeous you are,” he said as he leaned forward, his lips a breath away from my skin. My chest heaved with eagerness.

He slid the broad side of his tongue up the center of me once and then backed away.

I strangled out a curse word. The feel of his tongue ring as it made contact with my swollen nub was so arousing, I was almost seeing stars.

“You want me to taste you again?” he said, looking up at me.

“Yes, Ka . . . Kai,” I said, stuttering.

“That’s right, keep saying my name.” He licked me several more times, his tongue ring rolling against my tender flesh. I was lost. Lost in my own haze of passion.

I inched my fingers down and pulled at the elastic tie to release his hair. His ebony waves fell like a curtain above his shoulders, and I grasped at it to give me leverage.

His fingers wrapped around my thigh to lift my leg, and he placed it over his shoulder. “That’s it—nice and open for me.” He slid one finger inside, and I moaned.

He drew his finger out and lifted it to my mouth. “Taste how mouth-watering you are.”

My tongue flitted out to lick the very tip of his finger before he jerked it back and stuck it deep inside his own mouth instead. “Mmmm . . .”

It was so incredibly erotic—him showing me how much he enjoyed tasting me.

“You’re going to come on my tongue”—he licked my center once more—“because I need to taste you for a long time.”

Holy fuck. Kai’s dirty talk might have been the single most arousing thing about him. I pushed away the question of what he said to other girls, and pretended his words were for me and me alone.

He inched two fingers inside me and watched closely as I whimpered and breathed his name. When he removed them I almost protested. Until he parted my folds with his thumbs and drew my swollen center into his mouth.

He alternated between sucking and then flicking his tongue against me, and it didn’t take me long to draw nearer to that edge. I had that swooping feeling in my stomach, like I was about to plunge forward into the dark abyss of my orgasm.

“Oh God . . . so close . . . so close.”

He held my nub between his teeth and then soothed it with his tongue, as I ground my hips against his mouth. His thumb replaced his lips and applied direct pressure to my bundle of nerves.

I felt him lick lower and then tunnel inside me. The sensation of his tongue ring in such an intimate place provided a friction that built to an all-consuming level. The feeling was indescribable. Before I knew it, pinpoints of light danced around the edges of my vision, and I detonated.

“Fuck, Kai . . . fuuuuuuck.” My legs shook and I tried moving away from him but he grasped my thighs and thrust his tongue deeper still.

And shit, I couldn’t even wrap my brain around what in the hell he was doing to me. I was too busy trying to get control of my quavering stomach and hands and mouth.

Finally he removed his tongue and licked me slow and gentle until I sank against the wall, completely spent.

He stood up and allowed the fabric of my dress to fall so that it covered me again.

I looked down at his raging hard-on and felt the need to take care of him as well.

As if reading my mind, he backed away. He reached down for my underwear on the ground, stuffed it in his pocket, and then twisted the door handle. “I’ll get those back to you later.”

Before I could protest, he was gone.

Like, gone gone. From the bar. From the casino.

Shane and Dakota barely noticed I had returned; they were so immersed in their own little world. And I was glad for that because I had no idea how I even looked—probably thoroughly fucked. I’d had just enough sense to smooth some strands of my hair in the bathroom mirror. I searched around but didn’t see Kai near the band either.

Shane said that Kai texted him that he was leaving, and Dakota made a crack about the blond he’d been talking to earlier. My stomach bunched up at her words, but I knew he wouldn’t have just been with me and then left the casino with her. Would he?

But I did wonder where he had gone, and why he’d felt the need to leave so abruptly. He was so turned on and I was willing to help, but he didn’t want me to.

Had he let the blond assist him instead?

* * *

We stayed for one more drink before heading home.

Kai’s car was in the parking lot, and when we got up to the condo, the door to his room was closed and his lights were out.

“Night,” I said to Dakota as I turned to go in my room.

Draped across my pillow were my black panties.

Chapter Twenty-four Kai

I sat on my bed, making a pile of my freshly-washed jeans, listening to a CD that Cameron, the drummer I’d met from the casino, had loaned me. It was of his jazz quartet, and they sounded pretty good.

This sort of music—my favorite kind of music—made me want to smoke a joint, inhale deeply, and revel in the beat. Strangely enough, though, that was the last thing I wanted to do today. Initially, I stuck to folding laundry because of the promise I’d made to Rachel and my parents. But now that I was sober, I realized that I could focus on every riff—every baseline melody. It brought a whole new depth to the composition in front of me.

When I dug through my laundry basket and pulled out a pair of Rachel’s blue panties that had mixed in with my boxer briefs, I knew we’d taken too many chances in the middle of the night.

Rachel had come to my room a few times in the last couple of weeks, and I’d gotten in the bad habit of holding her underwear hostage. It was a little game we played. She’d slip into my sheets as quietly as possible and then into my arms. Most of the time we made out like a couple of lovesick teenagers—at least that’s how it felt for me.

I wasn’t exactly sure what was happening on her end, except that she took comfort in me. As soon I tucked her into my chest, her whole body would relax. She’d breathe into my neck and sigh. And sometimes she’d fall asleep. It was fucking incredible.

Other times we’d search each other’s bodies with our hands—only our hands—trying to keep silent, with most of our clothes on. Well, I always kept my clothes on. I couldn’t be held responsible for how much I needed to touch and pleasure her.

But we tried to be careful, especially after one night when we heard Dakota rummaging around in the kitchen, sounding restless and troubled about something. I could feel Rachel’s pulse beating double time against her neck as we waited Dakota out for a long, painstaking hour before Rachel was able to return to her room.

On the nights when we explored and held each other—trying like hell not to get too caught up in our desire for each other—I’d pocket her underwear and then plant it somewhere for her to notice the next day.

Now I shoved her underwear beneath my own in my drawer, intending to get it back to her later. But I knew today wasn’t the day for jokes. Rachel’s friends were coming up for the Music Center show tonight. She’d been a wreck about it all week, but her anxiety had skyrocketed to a fever pitch when she had been in my room last night.

“I’m afraid to tell you,” she had whispered at first, curled up tightly in my arms.

“Why are you so afraid?” I’d tunneled my fingers through the back of her hair, trying to put her at ease.

“I’m scared what you’ll think of me.” She had looked up, and I’d seen trepidation in her eyes. “I . . . I’ve made some mistakes.”

“We all make mistakes,” I’d said. “I’ve fucked up more times than I can count. So whatever you have to say won’t surprise me.”

Except that it had. It made me wonder just how far off-course she’d gotten in the last three years. But, truth be told, I also liked this new Rachel. I liked how much more confident and sure of herself she’d become. She was closer to the Rachel I knew before she dated Miles, anyway.

Everybody goes through shit in life. Shit that can change you. And what Rachel had gone through would change anybody. So I couldn’t fault her for that.

“Out with it,” I’d said, and she’d tensed in arms.

“I . . . I lied to them.” She sighed, finally letting it loose. “To my friends in college. I’m such an idiot.”

I couldn’t imagine what she could have possibly lied about that made her this uneasy. “I know you didn’t tell them about the accident and your rehab. So what else did you lie about?”

“About Miles. I told them that I broke it off with him,” she said in a rush. Probably in an effort to get it all out. “I exaggerated about that ring he gave me—I know it was a stupid-ass promise ring, but I told them it was an engagement ring and that I wasn’t ready for that.”

I remembered how she wore it so proudly on a chain around her neck. I’d always questioned why the fuck you’d give someone a ring in high school. I’ll admit, it had made me wonder if Miles had bigger feelings for her than I suspected.

Until I overheard him one day in the hall after school. His friends had been ragging on him about it, asking him if Rachel had guilted him into giving it to her. And he’d just shrugged and played along. Didn’t even stand up for her or their relationship. Big pussy.

“And then I pretended that I was just having some wild fun after being in such a serious relationship,” Rachel said, snapping me out of my thoughts. “When instead I was just . . . doing whatever the hell I was doing with those jocks.”

My jaw tightened. It was hard to hear that. “What were you doing with those guys?” I had no right to ask, but somehow it slipped out.

“Mostly making out. Sometimes sex . . .” She trailed off and then looked up at me. “Safe sex. Always. It felt good to be the one in control. I decided who I wanted to get lost in and for how long . . .”

I tried to steady my reaction. I needed to be a friend. But wasn’t she essentially doing the same with me? I shouldn’t have been hurt. I’d known all of this going in.

“Please don’t look at me that way. You’re the only one who . . .”

“Who what?”

“You’re the only one who I can talk to. Who might understand.” Her eyes were timid and soft. “I’m sure you wouldn’t want me to question you about all of your . . . girls.”

“You’re right, I wouldn’t,” I said, tightening my hand into a fist. “And I do understand. And for the record, I’ve been safe, too.”

Little did she realize I hadn’t been with any girls since I’d laid eyes on her this summer. That’s why I didn’t want her to question me. Because I didn’t want her to know that she was the only girl I’d been thinking about. “So let’s go back to the thing you’re really upset about. The lie.”

“Yeah,” she said. “Everything was a lie. I was a lie. They knew I’d had a rough time, but after that one conversation, we never talked about it again. They didn’t know how dark it really was. How dark it still is. I’d hang out with them as the careless, fun one and then go back to my apartment and brood about everything else. I don’t know what the fuck was wrong with me. I just didn’t want to let anyone in.”

“Bet it’s hard, though, keeping up a façade like that.” My eyes flashed to the pained look on her face, and my heart expanded.

“It got old.” She shook her head as if clearing away that other part of herself. “Pretty sure I’m done.”

I wanted to ask if that meant she was done with other guys. If she was done with me. But the idea of that terrified me. Besides, our time together went beyond a hookup, because we had roots. Familiarity. Companionship. Didn’t we?

Even though the lines were all distorted and blurred, I didn’t want it to end.

Not yet. Not ever. But I knew it would, in a just few short weeks. So I’d rather pretend it never would, than to question it now.

“So fix it.” I lifted her chin with my thumb.

She had trouble meeting my eyes; hers were laden with guilt. “How?”

“By coming clean to them this weekend,” I said, kissing her head. “And with Dakota after that. You’ll feel better when you do.”

“And what if they’re done with me?” she said, worrying her lip between her teeth. “I mean, Avery and Ella.” One set of problems at a time.

“Then you didn’t have a basis of friendship after all,” I said, and I felt her shoulders grow rigid. Whether or not she’d admit it, she cared more for these girls than she’d been letting on. “They hung out with you for a reason, right?”

“They might have just thought I was good for a laugh. I was the ‘life of the party,’” she said, using her fingers as air quotes.

Who was this Rachel she was describing? Happy-go-lucky, not a care in the world?

I mean, she was always fun, a blast, even. But she could also be serious, give good advice, and be a great friend. The persona she had adopted at TSU sounded exhausting. And meaningless.

But hadn’t I been doing the same thing? Carefree playboy, troublemaker, ready for a good time. Except she’d been actively participating and I’d been actively avoiding. Using pot as my crutch. Fuck, we were more alike than I’d ever imagined. Both of us needed to get our shit together.

“Maybe,” I said, knowing full well Rachel was charming in so many other ways. “Or maybe your friends see beyond the pretense and are just waiting for you to share more of yourself.”

“I hope so, because they’re really cool.” She settled into my chest again and let out a sigh. I pulled her closer, rubbed circles on her back, and soon enough her head went limp against my shoulder.

“Does this mean you’re not mad?” she said in her groggy voice. “You still care about me, Kai?”

I knew she meant it in a brotherly, best-friend way. But I couldn’t help taking a deep breath and squeezing my eyes shut at just hearing those words fall from her sweet lips.

“Of course I’m not mad.” Her fingers increased their pressure on my forearm. I leaned closer to her ear and whispered, “I’ll always care about you, Turtle.”

Ik houd van jou. Even after you’re gone.

She hummed into my neck, and we both drifted off to sleep soon after.

Thankfully, I woke before dawn. The sky was turning pink, and I nudged Rachel awake so she could return to her bed.

She sat up, wiped at her eyes with the backs of her hands, and then pushed her legs over the side of the bed. I knew I wouldn’t get to see much of her this weekend with our friends around, so I grasped her hand and tugged her back down.

There was no resistance as she cocooned into me again. I gently kissed her neck, and she ground her hips against mine. I had a raging hard-on like I always did when she was curled up next to me, and I tried adjusting myself in my shorts.

My fingers grazed beneath her shirt to touch her breasts. She wasn’t wearing a bra—she rarely came to my room with one on anymore—and her nipples hardened on contact.

“I don’t think we have time,” she whispered, and then moaned as I covered her gorgeous tits with my hands.

“I know,” I mumbled, pressing her down on the bed. I lifted her shirt and kissed the soft skin on her stomach. “I’m just giving you something to remember me by this weekend.”

I trailed my tongue up her torso to her chest as she panted and clutched at my hair. I sucked on her soft globe until it stiffened into a peak and then moved to the other side. I lightly bit her nipple as she wriggled her hips beneath me.

I kissed and licked the underside of her breast and then moved upward, positioned the skin between my lips, and began sucking hard.

“Ka . . . Kai,” she stuttered. “You’re going to leave a mark.”

After another long moment, I released her breast and then drew back to admire my handiwork.

A bright-red mark began to form on her chest, and she looked down at it in awe.

“That beauty belongs to me,” I said playfully, knowing full well it might’ve been the wrong thing to utter to someone who you were having a fling with.

“Oh yeah?” she said, pushing at my chest. “My turn.”

I didn’t even try to resist as she sprang up and then straddled me. She sucked my nipple ring into her mouth and then sealed her lips on my pec like a vacuum, attempting to leave a comparable mark.

I imagined her lips around my dick in a similar fashion someday and it almost sprang free on its own accord. “Fuck.”

“There.” She pulled away and looked down at my chest. “You are mine, mister.”

My entire body thrummed at her words.

I grasped her shirt and yanked her down toward me. My fingers traveled beneath the material and I cupped both of her breasts, my thumbs resting on her nipples.

My mouth hovered near her lips and my gaze pinned her with a long, unblinking look.

Her lips tentatively brushed across mine, and then she kissed me—slow, gentle, and sensual. I wanted to wrap myself up in her. Get lost for hours. Days. Years.

I’m yours, Rachel. I’ll always be yours.

Chapter Twenty-five Kai

The doorbell rang and we buzzed Rachel’s friends up. Dakota was in the kitchen making a pitcher of Sangria, and Shane helped by cutting up some fruit. Rachel did little more than pace back and forth like a caged animal, pretending she was busy straightening up the condo so that Dakota wouldn’t question her about it.

Nate was the first to step through the door. We high-fived and gave one-armed hugs. Close behind was a striking girl with blue streaks in her hair and a sleeve of tattoos on her arm. “Hi. I’m Jessie.”

I wondered if Nate was dating this girl, except they weren’t holding hands or even making eye contact. Besides, they seemed as different as night and day.

“I brought an extra friend,” Nate said. “Her boyfriend was headed out of town and I thought she’d like to hang out with all of us.”

So it wasn’t his girlfriend. Was it a hookup or were they truly just friends?

Funny how my mind had immediately gone there.

“Cool,” I said as Rachel introduced herself to Jessie.

“Hey, Nate, come give your cousin a hug.” Dakota waved from the other side of the kitchen island. Shane was slicing limes to put into her red concoction.

Four other people entered the condo. Rachel gave them all brief hugs and then turned to introduce them to us. “These are my friends from college.”

The two girls, a blond and a brunette, were petite and pretty; the two guys they were with towered above them.

“That’s Ella and her boyfriend, Quinn,” Rachel said. The brunette stuck her hand up in a wave and the built dude wearing a TSU baseball cap nodded in our direction.

“And that’s Avery and her boyfriend, Bennett.” Rachel pointed to the blond standing next to a guy whose wavy hair almost matched the color of mine.

“Actually, its fiancé, now.” Avery leaned forward to show Rachel the ring on her finger as her cheeks brightened with a wash of pink. Her boyfriend’s hand curled around her waist in an intimate gesture.

Rachel’s jaw went slack, while Ella beamed.

Rachel finally recovered and then whacked Bennett’s shoulder playfully. “So you finally put a ring on it, asshat.” Bennett grinned.

I could see how easygoing she was with these friends, and they seemed genuinely happy to see her. I couldn’t help thinking that Rachel’s fears were unfounded. Despite the lie she’d told them, I figured they’d welcome her back with open arms.

“Tell them how it went down, Bennett,” Ella said, as her boyfriend, Quinn, slid his arms around her waist.

An emotion I didn’t recognize slammed into my chest. All I could think about was how I longed to be as openly affectionate with Rachel. To reach for her hand. Pull her into my chest and kiss her neck. Put an end to all the secrecy.

But then I looked over at Dakota, who seemed reserved while meeting these new people. My sister wasn’t judgmental—she just took her time letting people into her world. Her standards were high, and I could tell she was still deciding what she thought of this group.

She probably wouldn’t speak to Rachel and me for weeks if she knew we’d been fucking around with each other behind her back. But somehow I didn’t even give a damn anymore.

The tatted-up girl named Jessie said, “Dude, you were a helluva nervous wreck that day. Got the whole shop in on it.”

Bennett laughed and ran his hand through his unruly hair.

“Avery was coming in to get a new tattoo,” he said, scratching the back of his neck. “So I had the whole thing planned.”

The dude was a tattoo artist. Cool, my kind of people. And he obviously worked with Nate’s friend. Back in the day, I may have even hit on a girl like Jessie. There was something sexy about a tattoo on a girl. A piercing, too. I knew just where I’d place one on Rachel.

Fuck, I needed to rein in my dirty thoughts before I had to excuse myself.

Bennett grasped Avery’s hand. When he kissed her palm she closed her eyes with a sigh.

I sure as hell hoped we weren’t going to have to be around a bunch of fucking lovebirds all weekend. I got it now, though, I really did. When you loved someone it was hard not to want to show it. And if Rachel ever agreed to be mine, I’d show her every single damn day. But shit, right now I didn’t want it thrown in my face every five minutes how much I couldn’t have her.

I looked over at Dakota and Shane, who were now standing on the periphery of the room, listening to the proposal story. At least they were still single. Nate, too.

God, since when had I ever given a shit about any of this stuff? I used to think it was stupid as fuck. That guys just put on a show to get into a girl’s pants. I’d never understood it. Until I fell for Rachel. And now she had me pussy-whipped, and we weren’t even dating. How in the hell had my world become so twisted?

Avery turned to Rachel. “I wanted to get a tattoo of that one quote I told you about a couple of months ago.”

“The one with the roots?” Rachel asked.

“Yeah.” Avery nodded. “It wanted it on my hip above the heart.”

“Cool,” Rachel said, taking a seat on the couch, followed by Ella.

“So I got the transfer paper ready to be applied to her skin,” Bennett said, smiling down at his girl.

“Dude, I would have been trembling at that point,” Quinn said, adjusting his cap. “Nervous as fuck.”

“Oh, I was definitely shaking in my boots,” Bennett said.

“Hold the phone,” Rachel said. “I don’t get that. You obviously know that the person you’re dating loves you, wants to be with you. Why do guys always get so nervous about popping the question?”

“Probably because we’re putting it all on the line. Our feelings, our pride,” I said, wondering where in the hell this foreign line of thinking was coming from. “When you ask someone to be yours, you’re talking about the rest of your freaking life.”

The whole room went silent and all eyes fell on me. Shane’s, Dakota’s, and Rachel’s, especially.

“Sorry. I guess that’s just how I imagine it would be.” I shrugged and shoved my hands deep in my front pocket. “Not that I know a damn thing about it.”

“Yeah, really, bro. How in the hell would you know?” Dakota said, laughing. “Your love life consists of bringing a girl home and then making sure she leaves by dawn.”

I felt heat crawl up my neck. Fuck, Dakota. Was I really as bad as she’d just made me sound? Normally I would have laughed right along with her. But today her lame-ass joke irritated the shit out of me.

“Leave him alone, D,” Shane said, coming to my defense. “He hasn’t brought any girls home since he’s been living here with you guys, has he?”

I could feel Rachel’s gaze on me like a wall of heat. I was afraid to turn in her direction. Afraid that my eyes would somehow betray me.

“The way Kai described it is pretty close, actually,” Bennett said, skating right over the awkwardness in the room. I could have kissed the dude. “So maybe he does know what that feels like.”

“Nah, just guessing,” I mumbled. “So, let’s hear the rest of this story.”

“Yeah, c’mon, I’m dying over here,” Dakota said, and I glowered at her.

She just glared right back. I was so going to slice into her when I got her alone.

“Anyway,” Bennett said. “I placed the transfer on her hip and then handed her the mirror to take a look.”

“I should have known just by how unsteady his fingers were,” Avery burst in. “Instead of the quote I was expecting, it said, Will you marry me, in bold black letters.”

Bennett bit his lip and looked down at his feet. Like he’d heard the story told a zillion different times but was still uncomfortable sharing it.

“Holy crap, asshead,” Rachel said. “Did you fall over or what?”

“To say that I was shocked would be an understatement,” Avery said, kissing Bennett on the cheek.

“Whoa, dude. Nice one,” Shane said, giving Bennett a fist bump.

“So then he dropped to one knee,” Avery said, grabbing for her guy’s hand. “And the rest is . . . private.”

“Yeah, so private, they didn’t want anyone disturbing them for the next hour,” Jessie said.

Everyone laughed.

Rachel propped her feet up on the ottoman, looking more relieved than she had all day. “So, when’s the big date?”

“We haven’t decided any of that yet,” Bennett said.

“We’re just hanging out, going day by day.” Avery sat on the other side of Rachel on the wraparound sofa. She pushed down on the cushion and looked around at the space. “Nice place, by the way.”

“Thanks,” Dakota said, handing out plastic cups. Shane went around the room pouring everyone a glass of Sangria. We did a toast to Avery and Bennett and then to new friends.

We spent the rest of the hour talking and getting to know one another. Bennett asked where I had my piercings done and whether I had any tattoos. I told him about the tattoo shop in town I frequented and the body-modification expert I trusted to put holes in my skin. He asked whether I’d ever considered getting ear gauges and I told him it wasn’t my thing.

“I hear you,” he said.

Dakota looked at the kitchen clock and said, “Are we ready to head out?”

Nate had rented a huge utility vehicle with a third row of seats. Shane, Rachel, Dakota, and I followed behind them in my truck. The Artisan Music Center was packed and we had to park far away in an auxiliary lot.

We removed the blankets and the cooler filled with snacks and sodas from the trunk. You couldn’t bring your own alcohol into the park, but you could buy beer and wine inside for a hefty price.

As we moved through the long line at the entrance to the stage, Rachel looped her arm through mine. It was the first time she’d touched me all day, and I grinned at her appreciatively.

“Your friends are cool,” I whispered. Anxiety crossed her features and she nodded. “Don’t worry, Turtle. It’ll all work out.”

Chapter Twenty-six Rachel

We found a spot near the back of the lot, which was tough, because the lawn was already jam-packed. We spread out three blankets and the girls sank down on them while the guys went to stand in line for beer and wine. Jessie waved to someone she recognized a few blankets over and then strode away to chat with them.

“So awesome to see you, Rachel,” Ella said, patting me on the leg. “And to meet your best friend.”

Dakota smiled. “Yeah, took you long enough to introduce us.”

I shrugged, but my stomach was buzzing with anxiety. “It’s not like we all live in the same city or go to the same school.”

“Rachel only invited me to visit that one time, and the weekend I came up, she said you guys were busy.”

Well, shit, here we go. Did this topic have to come up so soon? We’d just sat down for fuck’s sake.

“Yeah?” Avery said, looking at me with a skeptical gleam in her eye. “When was that?”

I gave her the slightest nod of my head, hoping she’d get the hint that there was something I wanted to keep private. But I wasn’t sure if she noticed or not.

“Over last winter break,” Dakota said, and I dipped my head, pretending to straighten my corner of the blanket.

“Maybe we’d already headed home to our families,” Ella said, thinking it through.

The first band began their set, and I was glad for the distraction as people stood and began swaying to the noisy riffs of the music. Then some drunk dude tripped over the blanket in front of us, also providing a temporary respite.

“Anyway,” I said, hoping for a change of subject. “Still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that you got engaged, Avery.”

“I know,” she said, spreading her fingers to admire her ring. It was a round stone and looked dainty and vintage. “Can you believe that shit?”

“It’s so romantic,” Ella said dreamily, removing the cheese and crackers from our cooler. “You guys are so in love, it’s sick.”

“Us?” Avery said, her eyebrows rising to her hairline. “Have you taken a look at you and Quinn? You guys barely come up for air when you’re in the same room.”

“Shut up, dickhead.” Ella laughed and tossed a stray grape in Avery’s lap.

While Avery and Ella had a mini grape war, Dakota leaned over and whispered, “I really like your friends. I can see why you hang with them. Outside of the fact that you all have the same potty mouths.”

“I’m glad you do,” I said, smiling warily. I would have been much more relaxed if I hadn’t been keeping secrets from my best friend and college friends. Damn it, how did I allow myself to get into this situation?

“Tell us what’s happening with you,” Ella said, after offering some cheese and crackers on a paper plate. “And what about these hot boys you’re hanging with? Have you hooked up with either of them yet?”

I cringed, and Avery gave Ella’s knee a not-so-subtle nudge.

“What?” Ella asked innocently.

I tried to do damage control before the conversation got any spicier. “For starters, Kai is Dakota’s brother—I thought I’d told you guys that, but maybe you hadn’t put two and two together.”

Ella shook her head. “Guess it makes sense that he’s rooming with you guys. I didn’t remember, sorry.” That didn’t surprise me—I spoke more of Dakota than Kai, and even that was infrequent.

“No biggie,” I said. “And Shane is his best friend. So there’s nothing going on with this group.”

Dakota’s eyes became soft and her cheeks splotched red. “We grew up together, so we’re more like siblings.” She said this to the blanket, though, rather than meeting anybody’s eyes, mine especially. My friends probably thought she was embarrassed about the idea of kissing someone who was more like a brother, but I knew better.

“Yikes, my bad,” Ella said. “I could have sworn I saw something different, but maybe it was my imagination.”

“What do you mean?” Dakota said, her eyes darting around to other people’s blankets.

“Nothing.” Ella bit her lip. “I shouldn’t have said anything to begin with.”

“No, it’s cool. Was it about Shane?” Dakota looked over her shoulder conspiratorially to make sure the guys weren’t headed back over. “Shane has always kind of had a crush on me.”

I rolled my eyes at how Dakota had slanted it Shane’s way. As if the crush wasn’t reciprocated. Only I’d notice that distinction, however.

Frankly, I was surprised that Dakota was being so candid with people she’d just met. But it did seem as if she’d warmed up to them pretty quickly. Maybe because she’d noticed how easygoing my relationship with them was. Plus her cousin Nate was friends with them.

“I knew it,” said Ella, relief flooding her features that she hadn’t spoken out of turn.

“But no way would Shane want to cross Kai,” I said, adding to the explanation. “He is way too protective of the women in his life.”

“Well, that sucks,” Avery said, always one to speak frankly. “Even you, Rachel?”

“Oh God, yes,” Dakota blurted out, before I could come up with a safe response. “He was at that hospital every single day watching over her, making sure she was going to make it through her recovery. If Rachel has one protector in her life, it’s my brother, Kai.”

Panic rose in my gut to a crescendo. A hush had descended over the group as Ella and Avery became stiff and silent, and I stared at the ground. Well, here it was—all out there, without my being able to say it in my own way.

If I had been smart and not such a chicken shit, I would have called them before they drove all the way out here. And told them the whole truth. Maybe they would have decided not to make the trip after all, and then maybe we wouldn’t be sitting here now in this awkward situation.

“What in the hell just happened?” Dakota looked from one to the other. “Did I say something wrong?”

“We just . . .” Ella started, and our gazes collided. I shut my eyes against the truth she was about to betray. “I think we don’t know very much about Rachel yet. We love hanging out with her, but we haven’t heard a lot about her past.”

Dakota swung her gaze toward me. “You didn’t tell them about your accident . . . your rehab?”

I shook my head, remorse settling in my gut.

“Why not?” Avery said, concern etched in her features. “Did you not feel . . . comfortable enough, telling us?”

I hung my head in shame.

“But”—Ella shot Avery a look—“you know practically everything about us. So you know we’re not even close to being perfect. Did you think we’d expect you to be?”

“What in the hell is going on?” Dakota said, rising up on her knees, disappointment dripping from her voice. I felt like a scolded child.

“I just— Listen,” I said, running my fingers through my hair. “I wanted to go somewhere and not be known as the girl with the brain injury.”

“Brain injury?” Ella’s voice had pitched higher. “God, Rachel, I’m so sorry.”

Avery stared at me with something like awe in her eyes. Her gaze skated around my neck and shoulders and then up to my hair, as if picturing the damage.

“See, that’s exactly it,” I said, so quiet. I would have curled into a nearly invisible ball right then if I’d had the chance. “I didn’t want anyone’s pity.”

Chapter Twenty-seven Rachel

“I actually understand that,” Avery said. And somehow I’d known she would. Ella was always more open. The more talkative one. Avery had been a bit closed off when I’d first met her.

Until Bennett came along. He had definitely been a positive force in her life. So what did that say about me? I certainly didn’t need a boy to help me figure shit out. Even though the heart-to-hearts I’d been having with Kai were more comforting than any pep talk I’d given myself.

“Still, I should have told you. But I kind of blew it,” I said. “I guess as more time went by, I figured, why bother.”

I looked at Dakota, her jaw slack and her eyes glassy. “I know it doesn’t make much sense to you.”

Dakota snapped out of her trance to look at me. “I feel like you’re two different people, Rachel.”

I hid my face in my hands. “If you only knew.”

She yanked my fingers away from my eyes. “After this concert, we’re going to talk, you and me. I have a feeling you’ve got more to explain.”

I sucked in a deep breath without responding. That was proof enough.

“We’d like that, too,” Ella said, and Avery nudged her knee. “I mean . . . only when you’re ready.”

“I’ll be ready,” I said, wishing we were in a different setting. I just wanted to spill it all out now. Get it over with and deal with the ramifications. “I’ve been such an idiot.”

Even still, relief washed through me. One hurdle down, one to go.

The guys were headed back, double-fisting drinks, one for each of us. Bennett was laughing at something Shane was saying while Kai and Quinn were looking at Nate, who pointed out something in the distance. Then Nate headed off to where Jessie continued to chat with some girl with a flower tattoo to hand her the beer. She smiled at him and then began introducing him to her friend.

Kai handed me white wine in a plastic cup, Shane handed Dakota hers, and it all seemed so ordinary. If anyone were scrutinizing us from the outside, they might have seen four couples, even though half the people in our group were only friends. And it struck me just how natural it felt to be here like this—sitting on a blanket next to Kai, listening to music under the stars, and talking about friends and work and school.

Would it have felt the same with Miles and his friends?

The awareness hit me that it never had. It was always me with him and his crew, never him with me and my friends, and we barely ever all hung out together. I just gave everything up for him. And I vowed right then and there to never do that for any guy again.

Kai leaned over and whispered, “How’s it going—have you been outed yet?”

“As a matter of fact, I have,” I said, I hoped quietly enough that nobody heard. “Thanks to Dakota.”

“Already?” He glanced at his sister and shook his head. “We haven’t even been here that long.”

I cringed. “No kidding.”

“Well, now that the cat’s out of the bag”—he spoke against my hair, and I held in a shiver—“was it really so bad?”

I looked back at my friends, who all seemed to be having a good time listening to the second act, which was a pseudo punk rock band. “No. Actually, I feel relieved.”

“Told you,” he said, all smug, and I elbowed him playfully in the ribs.

“They only know about my injury, though,” I said. “Not about the Miles stuff.”

“They’ll be here tomorrow, too. Tell them before they leave,” he said, patting my knee as I tensed up.

Gray puffs of clouds moved overhead, and the night air became chilly, so we covered ourselves with the extra blankets we’d brought. I made sure not to sit wrapped up with Kai. I didn’t want to lose myself in the feel of his skin next to mine and his heat mixing with the softness of the throw. It would feel too . . . nice. Too right. And I’m sure all my emotions would be visible on my face.

So I scooted back and shared the edge of a blanket with Avery.

“You think the rain will hold?” Ella was leaning against Quinn’s legs and looking up. The dark clouds loomed, blotting out the stars, and against the nighttime sky they looked ominous.

“Hope so,” Dakota said, sitting between Shane and Nate, who had returned with Jessie. “If not, we can head out, since we’ve seen half the show already.”

* * *

Ninety minutes later, there was a break before the final act. During that time I had answered a couple of more questions Ella and Avery had about my accident and rehab. Dakota listened in but kept quiet. I could feel her disappointment, her disillusion, heavy as the blanket I was sitting beneath.

Kai stood and announced to the group that he was going down to the pavilion to see his favorite band up close and personal. I could see the exhilaration in his eyes, the lightness in his features. He looked so stunning right then—in his element, surrounded by music.

The Black Tresses were more of a rockabilly band with a bluesy mix, and I could almost imagine Kai up on that stage with them. I hadn’t seen him play a gig in a long while, but I’d heard he was sitting in with a jazz band at the casino in a couple of weeks.

“I have an extra ticket if anyone wants to head down with me.” Kai glanced over his shoulder and then back toward the stage. I eyed my friends, all cozy beneath their layers. Even Nate and Jessie were sitting pretty close together. Dakota and Shane, of course, were pretending like they weren’t.

“I’ll go,” I said, raising my hand to him. “Help me up.”

He gave me a lopsided grin, latched onto my fingers, and pulled me up to stand. Dusting myself off, I turned to my friends. “Keep your cells close in case we get separated or you guys want to take off. This place is like a zoo.”

I waved as I followed behind Kai down the hill.

“Rachel, wait up.” Avery’s voice was loud enough to be heard over the din of rock music piping through the speakers during intermission.

She trudged toward me through the grass, followed closely by Ella. Kai was a few paces ahead, but stopped to wait for me near a bunch of rowdy guys on a plaid blanket.

I turned toward my friends, my stomach clenched tight. “Yeah?”

“We just wanted to say . . . that it’s okay,” Ella said, gripping her plastic wine cup. “Don’t feel bad about . . . you know, not telling us anything.”

“I already feel terrible.” I toed the grass as a flash of heat climbed up my neck. “And I can’t say I’m sorry enough. But . . . thanks for trying to understand.”

“You’re different out here,” Avery said. “More relaxed and comfortable. Maybe it’s because you’re home.”

She looked over at Kai, who patiently stood with his hands jammed in his pockets, waiting on me.

“Or maybe it’s the company you keep,” she said, wiggling her eyebrows. Ella laughed.

“You mean Kai?” Panic rose in my throat. Crap, was I that obvious? “We’re just . . . friends. We grew up together.”

“I realize that,” Avery said. “And that’s awesome. But don’t keep lying to yourself like I did.”

“What do you mean?” I lowered the volume of my voice, as if Kai could even hear our discussion. Or as if Dakota could, for that matter, even though she was three blankets away.

“It’s the way you look at him,” Ella blurted out, as I worried my lip between my teeth. “We’ve both noticed.”

“Shit,” I whispered, ruffling my fingers through my hair. “You guys, no . . .”

Yet another lie. Would it ever end?

“Don’t panic, asshead,” Avery said, placing her hand on my arm. “You don’t have to fess up to anything. It’s just . . . I think he brings out something good in you.”

“Plus, he’s pretty hot,” Ella said with a dreamy look in her eyes. “And he’s different than your normal type, which is a refreshing change.”

If they had noticed, did that mean Kai had, too?

“And I really like your best friend,” Ella said, looking back at Dakota. “So bring her back with you for a visit in the fall.”

She kissed my cheek, and they turned to head back to our friends.

“Wait!” My voice rang out. I looked back at Kai for courage and then mouthed sorry to him. He shook his head and turned back to the stage to watch the band set up.

“Listen, guys,” I said as they turned back toward me. “I do have to fess up.”

They looked at each other, confused.

“I haven’t been a very good friend. I realize that now,” I said, my voice wavering. “Worst of all, I didn’t tell the truth.”

“What do you mean?” Avery asked, looking past me at Kai.

“Not only did I keep stuff from you.” I bit hard on my lower lip. “I . . . I told you a lie because I didn’t want to face up to my own truth.”

“What kind of lie?” Ella asked, a worry line etched between her brows.

“About my ex, Miles,” I said. “It’s a long story and I’ll tell you sometime if you want to hear it. I mean, if you still want to hang out with me.”

“Out with it, dickhead,” Avery said. “No holding back this time.”

And just like that, it felt like old times. Like everything would be okay.

They didn’t look angry, just concerned—and a bit disheartened. And I didn’t blame them.

“The short version is: He didn’t give me an engagement ring, it was just a stupid promise ring. And I didn’t leave him at college. He left me. He didn’t want to stick around during my recovery.”

Ella’s hand slammed over her mouth. “That’s awful.”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “But, my lie was awful, too. I guess I didn’t have enough faith that people would want to get to know me if they knew the whole truth. Not after the way I was treated in this town right after my accident. People just . . . disappeared. They didn’t know how to act around me most of the time.”

Ella reached for my hand, sadness in her eyes. In Avery’s, too. They silently waited on me. Giving me their full attention. And for once I didn’t back down from their scrutiny. I didn’t try to hide or make a joke.

“I don’t know who I’ve become these past three years,” I said. “But I don’t want to be that girl anymore.”

Still they remained quiet. Dragging it all out of me with their unspoken sympathy, understanding, and—hopefully—acceptance.

Dakota might be a different story.

My heart hammered in my chest. “Can you forgive me?”

“On one condition.” Ella folded her arms across her chest, like a disappointed parent scolding her child. “We’re allowed to ask you questions and make you talk about stuff. We care about you. You shouldn’t have to hold all of that in.”

“Ella!” Avery said, laughing.

“No, that’s fair. Absolutely,” I said. “It’s a deal.”

“We’ll have more girl time later,” Avery said. “Now go have fun with that gorgeous guy waiting on you.”

I nodded and turned back to Kai.

When I neared him, he reached out his hand. “Grab it. I don’t want to lose you.”

As soon as I gripped his fingers, I could breathe again.

He was my anchor, my respite, my North Star.

I don’t want to lose you either, Kai.

Chapter Twenty-eight Kai

As we trudged to down the grassy slope, the rain began to fall in heavy layers, so we darted beneath the cover of the pavilion. We looked up the hill to try to spot our friends but couldn’t make anything out through the mayhem of people sprinting to their cars. Of course, plenty of people had remained to splash around in the rain and watch the show’s headlining band.

The Black Tresses’s first note sounded as we made our way to our seats. We seemed to be a million miles away from our blankets on the lawn, and I was thrilled that Rachel had accompanied me to watch my favorite band play.

Our clothes were drenched, our hair dripping wet, our eyelashes glued together. We found the fifth row and I was practically elbowed in the face and kneed in the balls while getting to our primo spots. We were practically close enough to touch the band, and I could feel the frenetic energy of this crowd as they yelled and swayed to the music. We remained standing at our seats, because everyone around us was up and moving like a tightly wound live wire.

Eyes glued to the stage, I leaned toward Rachel. “You okay?”

She smiled and nodded, hovering close to me since the people on either side of us were attempting to dance on their chairs.

I recognized the band’s first couple of numbers and reveled in seeing them perform live. The bass player was one of the best I’d heard, and his upright, which looked hand-carved, with an ebony fingerboard, was fucking sweet. Rachel held up her phone with a text from Dakota that our friends had piled in the rental van and were heading home.

I felt guilty that Shane and Dakota would have to squeeze into those seats to fit, but also thankful that I had driven separately, so I could enjoy the entire show. Even still, I leaned down and asked, “Do you want to take off, too?”

“Hell no,” she said and then lifted her phone to snap a selfie of the two of us. I felt like I resembled a drowned rat, but Rachel looked gorgeous with her brown hair plastered to her forehead and her green eyes beaming at the lens. She also took a few shots of the band, which she promised to text me later.

By the middle of the set, I noticed that Rachel was shivering beside me. I slid over and wrapped my arms tightly around her, hoping to keep her warm. She immediately relaxed against my chest, so I knew I’d made the right decision.

It felt like we were in our own little sanctuary—surrounded on all sides by people we didn’t know, and, fuck, I wanted to savor it. The privacy and the freedom to be out in the open with her. Nobody questioning anything. Questioning us.

Overcome with emotion, I leaned forward to kiss Rachel’s hair, at the exact location of her scar. I hadn’t even thought it through—it just felt natural. She looked up at me, eyes wide and lips quivering, as if I’d done something so private, personal, secret.

Then she cast a quick glance over my shoulder, and at the crowd, as if we’d been caught being close. Intimate. The moment she realized that we were anonymous, the corners of her lips tugged into a gorgeous and playful grin.

I planted a soft kiss on her shoulder and then my fingers traced her chin before slipping down her throat. I brushed aside her hair to feather my lips along her hairline. She trembled and tucked her head against my neck.

My fingers traveled down her arm to the soft sliver of skin above her shorts and I tugged her more firmly against me. I was sure she could feel how aroused she made me, but I didn’t give a shit. It felt too damn good—too damn right—having her so close.

It was amazing how responsive she was to me. Her breaths escaped from her lips in shuddery whispers, and her nipples pebbled beneath her shirt. I could hear—or rather feel—her low moans, despite the chaos of the crowd and the noise of the band.

She swung her ass across my crotch, and it was so seductive, my breath scattered in gusts of wind against her hair. If anyone had been watching, they might have assumed we were simply swaying to the music, when in fact I had the impulse to lay her down on the grass and strip her naked. Feel her soft skin and bury myself deep inside her.

She placed her warm hand over mine, urging my fingers beneath her shirt. My palm crept upward, slipping over her moist flesh, and enclosing her breast. Skimming beneath the lace of her bra, my thumb traced circles around her nipple, as she whimpered and arched her back.

I groaned into her neck and then trailed the tip of my tongue to her ear. “I fucking want you so bad.”

Her eyes wilted to half-mast upon hearing those words. Twisting her head, she kissed the hollow of my throat, her lips like a suction cup against my damp skin.

She clutched my shoulder and tilted her face, her mouth moving closer to mine. My tongue flitted out, outlining her lips, and her eyes darkened with need. Our breath mingled and our lips brushed as we stole the smallest of kisses. Kisses that did nothing to quench my craving for her.

Her mouth found my ear. “I want you, too . . . so much.”

I could barely focus on the music because her fingers were in my hair, and her other hand had slid up my shirt to tug lightly on my nipple ring. My knee was resting between her legs, and my dick was pulsing so goddamn hard against her back.

I looked into the deep pools of her eyes and saw something there.

It was more than desire. It was more like a promise of things to come.

I sealed my mouth over hers and our tongues darted out to taste each other. She spun in my arms and wove her hands around my neck. I deepened the kiss and pulled her body flush against mine, keeping in mind that we were in a public place.

We stayed close throughout the rest of the set—stealing kissing and touches and secret glances against the backdrop of my favorite music, not giving two shits if anybody was observing us.

I watched her expression as the lights from the set illuminated her features, and I saw how lost she was in the moment. She was as engrossed as I was, and it felt like something had shifted between us. I wasn’t ready to name it, nor did I want to. I just wanted to feel it, experience it, live it tonight—with this girl who meant the world to me.

After an impressive fireworks display as the grand finale, we weaved our way through the crowd, fingers interlaced, never once considering letting go. I was positively drunk on Rachel, and given her furtive glances my way, she seemed equally as intoxicated. Call it longing or passion or lust—I didn’t know which.

Her hair had begun to dry, and it fell in soft waves at the top of her neck. She looked sexy as hell. Even the black eye makeup that had crept beneath her eyes made her look like a seductive vixen. Her thumb was rubbing circles against my palm, and, God, I wanted her more than ever right then. If only we could head somewhere private, where I’d have her to myself all night.

She tripped over a puddle, getting our shoes even muddier, and we laughed about the state of our clothes.

All of a sudden we heard a low voice behind us. “Rachel.”

We turned to see Miles behind us and an audible gasp fell from Rachel’s lips. Miles looked from Rachel’s face down to our entwined hands, and just like that, our secret bubble of happiness was ruined.

His eyebrows rose to his hairline. “Are you two . . . ?”

I dropped her hand and felt frustration well up in my chest.

“Of course not,” I said, leaving out the words asswipe. “I’m just looking out for her, like a good friend would.”

There was deeper meaning in those words, and Miles understood it immediately. He flinched as if I’d slapped him.

“Okay, dude, no harm,” he said, holding up his hands as if in surrender. “You’ve always been a great friend to Rachel.”

Rachel snapped out of her surprise and seemed to finally find her voice as her eyes warily scanned the crowd. “So . . . who are you here with?”

She was afraid that someone else had seen us, and now my gaze searched the area as well.

And that’s when I saw her, the same blond from the casino standing between two parked cars off to the side. Shit. Just what Rachel needed tonight.

I noticed how Rachel squared her shoulders and waited on Miles’s response. Miles turned and stepped a couple of feet forward, awkwardly grabbing for the blond’s hand. “I want to introduce you to someone, babe.”

The blond stepped into his embrace, and he wound a secure arm around her shoulder. She had trouble meeting Rachel’s eyes. “This is my . . . girlfriend, Melanie.”

My eyes shot to Rachel, wondering if she’d need me to have her back, but she stood strong and resolute. And then she stretched out her hand. “Melanie, nice to meet you. I’m Rachel.”

Melanie’s face brightened in relief. After all, she knew who Rachel was and what a fuck up Miles had been. “You, too.”

For the first time in ever, I felt a bit of admiration for Miles. At least he had the balls to admit he’d made a mistake. To try to move past what an idiot he’d been.

I’d been a dumbass all these years, as well.

We all fuck up in some way or another. The point was to own up to it and move on. And I could tell that was what Miles had been trying to do.

“Hi, Melanie. I’m Kai.” I moved closer to Rachel and placed my fingers at the small of her back, no longer caring what Miles thought. “Did you guys enjoy the show?”

Miles’s face broke out into a grin. It was probably the first time we’d ever shared sincere pleasantries with each other. “Yeah, it was cool. But now we’re beat and headed home.”

“We are, too,” Rachel said, and then turned as if to continue walking to my car. Like she didn’t want to stay another moment to make small talk with her ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend. And I didn’t blame her.

With a small wave she said, “Drive safe, Miles.”

She and Miles shared one last lingering gaze. Almost like a normal good-bye between friends.

Chapter Twenty-nine Kai

Rachel laced her arm through mine and said, “So, where were we?”

She seemed lighter somehow. As if seeing Miles had been a good thing, after all.

She smiled and tugged me along through the puddles. The hike to our car looked like it went on for miles, and the parking lot was filled with mud and potholes. I offered her a ride on my back. and we jog-walked the rest of the way to the virtually empty auxiliary section.

As we neared the car, I felt her lips skim across the back of my neck, setting my nerve endings on fire. Letting out a growl, I swung her around into my arms, and then pinned her against the passenger door. My forehead rested again hers and I stared into her eyes for minutes, hours, days before nipping at her bottom lip.

“Kai.” She sighed and then tugged my head toward her until our lips met. Her mouth was warm and wet, and when the tip of her tongue flitted out to meet mine, I felt a spark of electricity.

I flattened my body against hers and practically devoured her lips. We were making out like horny teenagers, out in the open, in a wide expanse of space, and it felt so damn good.

As if we were unrestricted. I was free to show her how much I wanted her. And she was free to return the favor. Even though this was just physical for her. Even though our time was limited. I’d take it. If only to experience this sort of exquisite moment.

She broke away to catch her breath. “The way you kiss me . . . you . . . you turn me on so much.”

“Tell me about it,” I mumbled. I kissed her neck and then ground my hips into hers. “Can’t you tell how insane you make me?”

“Yes.” Her breath was a hard gust against my hair. “And I love it.”

I looked into her eyes and saw moments of clarity there. Like she was working through some kinds of feelings. I was afraid she was thinking too hard about what we were doing and would decide to pull away. And I wasn’t prepared for that yet.

“We better get out of here before I eat you up—right here in public,” I said, allowing my gaze to slide down her body. “I’d let the world see how good you taste.”

Her breath caught. “Damn, Kai, the way you talk to me.”

I kissed her ear. “I thought you liked how I talk to you.”

“I do, but”—she spoke into my shoulder—“it . . . it makes me want to get lost in you . . . all the time now.”

I was too afraid to look at her. Terrified she’d see the potent, visceral emotion in my eyes.

I wanted her to get lost in me . . . forever.

“Isn’t that what this is about—getting lost in each other?” My words came out strangled. My heart was in my throat. “Forgetting about the outside world?”

She pulled back suddenly and stared at me. Really looked at me. Her eyes were filled with confusion and even some regret.

Had I said the wrong thing? Didn’t she want reassurance that what we’d been doing was okay? That it was only temporary?

Fuck, even I didn’t know anymore what this had become between us.

I opened my mouth to speak, but her features had transformed into something unreadable. She seemed to be struggling to smile.

“Yeah.” She nodded and the moment felt lost on the wind. “That’s exactly what this is.”

“Rach . . .” I said, trying to find the words.

“Let’s get going,” she said, straightening herself and reaching for the handle of the door.

My shoulders slumped as I slid into the driver’s seat. Rachel stared out the side window, rubbing her temples. My stomach was in knots. I felt as if I was already losing her.

“Hey,” I said, reaching for her hand. She didn’t resist. “You okay?”

“Totally.” She took a deep breath and then turned toward me. “Just horny as hell, Kai. Because you make me . . .”

I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel, my brain spinning, trying to make sense of the change in her. “Make you what?”

“Make me . . . forget that what we’re doing is off-limits,” she huffed out. “If Dakota was here, we could never stand so close or . . . or touch like that.”

“Do you not want to do this anymore?” My heart was crashing out of my chest. Maybe this was it. This is where we’d end, after an amazing day together. “Are you done . . . pretending?”

I was asking her two things at once. I was ragged with the effort of holding it all in. Everything I was feeling for her. I knew what we were doing was confusing as hell—for both of us—because of who we had been to each other.

Sometimes she seemed to be on the verge of having stronger emotions for me, something more than just lust, but then her eyes would clear, and I’d wonder if all of this blurring of lines was just fucking with my head.

“Pretending,” she whispered, as if testing out the word. She stared straight ahead at the streetlamp, which was illuminating her face. Her eyes looked sad, weary—and I didn’t want to be the one who’d put such a drain on her.

I wanted to be her light, her release, her salvation.

I probably needed to end it all right here. Right now. But I was too weak. I wanted her too much.

Then she turned and offered the slightest shake of her head. “The end of the summer is coming soon enough.”

And there it was. She was laying it out. Setting the parameters for what this was between us.

I nodded, feeling completely numb. My brain was having trouble keeping up. One the one hand, I was already grieving. On the other, I was on a high from being given the additional time to touch her.

I swallowed the boulder lodged in my throat. My heart was dying, practically on its last leg, and I didn’t know if it would make it until the end of summer and beyond.

But I had created this situation, the one that now resembled a shallow grave. And I was going to lie in it, whether I liked it or not.

“These last few weeks have been great,” she said. She was still grasping my hand. My palm felt clammy and cold. The finality that hung in the air between us was so thick I was almost choking on it. It was filled with unspoken things. And it had never been this way between us. We had always been more open and real.

But a deeper part of me was certain that we had wrecked all of that this summer and I had no earthly idea if there was any way back to the people we once were. Or if I would even welcome it.

“Mostly because of you. Talking to you,” she said, finally releasing my fingers and folding her hands in her lap. “You’ve made me braver. Better, Kai.”

“You’re way braver than I ever was, Turtle,” I said, trying to get back there. To that place where we were on the same page. Friends. Confidants.

Lovers.

Fuck.

I turned the key to start the ignition. I had the strong urge to vacate this place. Leave these heavy feelings behind. Get on the open road and just drive.

All at once her warm hand was on my leg. “And I need to think of a way to thank you.”

“There’s no need for that, Rachel,” I said, meeting her eyes. “That’s what friends are for.”

As I crawled along the lot toward the exit, Rachel’s fingers stayed on my thigh. They ran lazy circles while she talked about the grand opening of her mom’s boutique in a couple of weeks. “You’ll be there, right?”

“Of course I will,” I said, in an effort to catch my breath.

Her fingers skimmed higher up my leg, and I stilled them with my own. “If you keep that up, I’m not going to be able to sleep tonight.”

She scooted over on the seat, biting her lip, suddenly unsure of herself.

My fingers reached for her face and I traced her forehead, the hollow of her cheek, the outline of her lips. She was all beautiful curves and sharp angles. I longed to protect her and hold her. Whisper sweet promises in her ear.

But she was a contradiction beneath my touch. Her eyes were now alight with flame and desire. Her touch seductive and playful. But in the very depths of her heart were hesitation and doubt, and that made me shrink back with uncertainty and fear.

She leaned over to kiss my neck, and her hand tugged at my hair.

“Are you trying to run me off the road?” I whispered.

“You’re just going to have to pay better attention,” she mumbled as she caught my earlobe between her teeth. “I trust you.”

My heart swelled painfully in my chest. “Good thing I’m taking the back roads,” I mumbled, turning left onto Bailey Boulevard.

Her hand reached lower to flick open the button on my pants.

“Rach . . .” I said in warning, but it was a deflated effort, because I was already hard as goddamn marble just from her lips being near me.

She pulled down my zipper, and her warm hand skimmed beneath my waistband. It was a struggle to pay attention to the road, with her scent wrapped all around me. But it was late and dark and there were no cars ahead or behind us.

Her fingers moved downward and when she gripped my head, I groaned.

She pulled my dick out of my pants and ran her fingers over the underside of my shaft as if examining it. I gasped for air and gripped the steering wheel tighter. “What kind of piercing is this, anyway?”

“Why, are you taking notes?” I said, slowing down at a stop sign. “It’s called a frenum, and it’s pretty tame in comparison to some. I hear sex can be mind-blowing with the other kinds.”

“Is that why you got this?” She slid her pinky finger through the hoop of my piercing, making me insane with need. “So that you could have better sex?”

“Not exactly,” I huffed, as she began pumping her fingers up and down my shaft, pulling the sensitive skin near my piercing taut.

But maybe there was some truth to that. If I was being honest, I got some of these piercings so that I’d actually feel something besides numb. And they did the trick, for brief snatches of time. “Sex can be terrible no matter what—you know that.”

“I do know that,” she said. And I gritted my teeth because I hated hearing it.

I was still at a crossroads and there were no cars in sight. Even so, I didn’t want to be reckless, not with Rachel. Not when she always put so much faith in me. So I decided to drive ahead, until I found someplace safe to pull over.

Her mouth moved to my ear. “I’m getting worked up thinking about how this would feel inside me. How you would feel inside me.”

“Fuck, Rachel.”

“So maybe you should find somewhere to park.” And then her head was between my legs and I felt the flick of her hot tongue running over my piercing. I groaned and clutched at her hair.

“What the hell are you up to?” I considered asking her to stop because I was wound too damn tight. But I was pretty sure if she pulled away now, I’d die a slow and painful death.

Her lips were around my swollen tip, her mouth was wet and warm, and as she licked and sucked, I was sure I was going to explode in another few seconds. Because the sight of having her between my legs was enough to sustain my fantasies for years to come.

As I searched for a place to stop, her tongue slid seductively up my shaft. “I told you I wanted to thank you.”

That statement threw a bucket of ice on my libido. I jerked the wheel and pulled off the side of the road. “Whoa, Rachel. Hold up a minute.”

She sat up, her face a ball of confusion. “What’s the matter?”

“I don’t want you sucking my dick because you feel like you need to thank me for something,” I said through clenched teeth. I banged my fist against the steering wheel. I was so pissed and disappointed I was seeing stars. “Or even because you just saw Miles tonight and feel confused.”

She gasped, her hand clamping over her mouth.

“Go down on me because you want to, plain and simple,” I said. “Because I turn you on and make you feel things. Because you like being with me.”

Her mouth fell open and her eyes became glassy. “That’s . . . that’s not at all what I meant.”

I adjusted myself in my seat, anger slipping out of me. God, things were feeling all fucked up again.

“For the record, you dickwad,” she said, her hands shaking, “I’ve never thought about Miles when I’ve been with you. Not once.”

“Shit! I . . . I don’t know how this got so—” I began, but she cut me off.

“You’re the sexiest fucking guy I know.” Her voice had pitched higher and her finger jabbed at my shoulder. “You make my head spin. I get so . . . tied up in knots around you.”

She shivered and rocked back against the seat. “This is getting so messed up.”

My stomach slumped to the ground. “Rachel, wait . . .”

“We . . . I . . . should’ve never started all of this,” she mumbled. “Just take me the fuck home.”

Chapter Thirty Rachel

I had trouble sleeping all night. Not only because of what had gone down between Kai and me, but also because I had a killer headache and felt like I was going to vomit. Which may have been caused by Kai as well. Or maybe just too much wine.

I never thought I’d feel worlds apart from him like I had hours ago. Everything felt so jumbled in my brain. I wanted to be close to him in all possible ways, but maybe it was just as well that we got back to our roots—to just being friends.

I knew without question he’d always be there for me. He’d always have my back. I needed to get over this . . . this . . . whatever this was. It felt like I had the flu—dizzy, feverish, and nauseous. I must have had the mother of all crushes. What other explanation could there have been?

Nate and Jessie had taken off that night, as had Shane. But Dakota had slept in my bed so that Avery and Bennett could use her room. Ella and Quinn insisted on sleeping on an inflatable mattress on the living room floor.

I’d had Dakota to contend with as soon as I had walked through the door. Apparently, she had quite the conversation with Ella and Avery about me on the way home. She’d asked about what I’d been up to the last couple of years. We’d had a hushed argument as I tried to be honest and make her understand that I wasn’t trying to shut her out—I’d been trying to shut me out.

I groaned as I attempted to open my eyes. The sunlight filtering through the blinds was too bright, the wind was whistling too loud, and I wasn’t sure if I’d even be able to lift my head.

All the colors in the room seemed to blend together in a vivid halo of light as pain slashed across my head and neck. I shifted onto my side and realized that Dakota was no longer next to me. The strong odor wafting beneath the door was coffee, and I suddenly couldn’t tolerate the smell any longer.

I moaned loudly, my trembling hands grasping my stomach, and then threw up over the side of the bed. Chill bumps like sharp icicles jabbed every square inch of my body as I shook violently. Something was seriously fucking wrong.

I called out for the person I wanted, needed by my side. The person I was certain would take care of me. “Kai . . . please help me.”

And then the room went dark.

* * *

I’ll take care of you, Turtle. Please don’t leave me.

My eyes opened in a blur of colors and sounds. The beeping of a machine, the hum of the ceiling light, the scratchy cotton material at my collarbone.

Fear slammed into me like a locomotive train when I realized I was once more lying in a hospital bed. My chest constricted painfully, panic slicing through my veins—my brain might have been damaged all over again.

My hand shot up to my hair. Despite the sudden relief that my arm still worked and my head wasn’t bandaged, I worried nonetheless about my ability to speak.

Asleep in a chair next to my bed, my mother looked fuzzy around the edges, bright in the middle. “Mo . . . Mom.” My voice was scratchy and my throat felt dry, but I sagged with relief.

My mother stirred and then slowly blinked open her eyes. Once she realized where she was, she shot straight up in her chair. “Rachel, baby. You’re awake.”

All I could do was nod. I was scared and overwhelmed and so very tired from the effort.

Other memories flashed through my brain. The pain at the base of my skull, the powerful tremors. Vomiting on the floor in my bedroom.

She reached over and stroked my forehead. “Looks like your fever broke.” My skin felt clammy and my hospital gown seemed damp.

Mom pushed the red button near the bed to signal for a nurse. “Your father and Kai left to get us decent coffees. The cafeteria version tastes more like tea. You know how your dad likes his caffeine strong and pricey.”

“Kai?” I squeaked out.

“Yes, honey. He and Dakota have been here all week,” she said, now caressing my cheek. “Your other friends had to go back home.”

My gaze swept across the window. I could usually guess the time of day by the shadows. It was a trick I’d learned during my last extended stay. “All week?”

“Technically, three days,” she said. “The doctor should be here any moment to give us the results of your scan.”

That’s what I’d been afraid of. I tried to steady my voice. “Am I . . . is it my brain again?”

“Honey, you developed meningitis,” she said, relief evident in her eyes as she delivered this news. “The reason you had a seizure is because of the swelling in your brain.”

I sucked in a breath and squeezed my eyes shut. No, not this again.

“Are they going to have to operate?” My voice tripped over the words.

“No, sweetie. Absolutely not. Antibiotics took care of the infection,” she said. “You had a high fever, so you’ve been out of it for a couple of days.”

I opened my eyes—they felt bruised from the effort.

“The doctor assured us you’d recover quickly,” she said, squeezing my hand. “The meningitis could’ve been a long-term complication from your head injury. Or it might’ve just been a coincidence.”

My mother’s voice was strong and sure, but I could see the fear behind her eyes. “We knew certain risks still existed. But you’re going to be just fine.”

I nodded in relief and asked for a drink of water.

As she reached for the cup and pitcher, I remembered the dream I’d been having just prior to waking up. It had felt so real.

Kai’s mouth had been close to my ear. I could feel his breath on my neck. And then he’d kissed my head and whispered something. Something so amazing, it had to have been a dream.

Intimate and private. Words for me and me alone.

I’m falling for you, Rachel. And I don’t know how to stop.

Heat crept across my cheeks at the memory. Would I truly have wanted to hear those words? Since when had my innocent crush transformed into something real? Something more intense than anything I’d ever felt in my life?

The realization that I had fallen in love with Kai was so raw, so visceral, I felt it deep in my gut. It was so commanding that I pulled my knees toward my chest, my muscles stiff and aching from the effort.

Kai was an essential part of my life. As central as the very air I breathed.

The door pushed open, and I sucked in a harsh breath, afraid that it would be Kai. That he’d see the glow hidden beneath my depths. The underpinnings of truth awakening in my brain. My heart dusting itself off, glinting, reaching. For the luminescent stars. For all that was exquisitely him.

But it was a nurse who’d stepped inside the room.

“She’s awake.” She was short and stout and had a friendly face. “Let me take your vitals.”

My mother held the cup of water to my lips and I drank greedily. So parched, so thirsty. Not necessarily for water. But for something else. Someone else.

As the nurse took my temperature, Kai swung through the door, followed by my dad.

“Look who decided to join us this morning,” my mother said.

Kai gave me a sweet, lopsided grin as his face went through a series of emotions. Relief, joy, affection. His gaze fixed to mine, he stepped aside, allowing my father to reach me first.

“Good morning, baby girl,” my father said, grasping my hand.

“Hi, Daddy,” I said, my voice trembling and unsteady. Just like my heart.

I could feel Kai’s gaze like a thick rope tethering us together, despite the nurse stepping in his line of sight to write in the chart.

“It’s all gonna be fine, honey,” my father said.

I nodded. “Sorry if I gave you a scare.”

He reached down to hug me.

My mom was in the corner of the room speaking to the nurse. My father moved to the side table to pour cream and sugar into his large cup of Starbucks coffee.

Kai sat down on the edge of my bed and wound his fingers through mine. I instantly felt calm. Comforted. Safe. “How you doing, Turtle?”

“I’m okay,” I said, letting out a deep breath.

I suddenly realized that being asleep for three days might not have been a great look on me and began smoothing my hair with my fingers. “But I must look like hell.”

He reached for my hand to still my fingers and shook his head. “You always look pretty, Turtle.”

I realized whatever I was trying to do would be of no use anyway. He had already seen me at my worst. “What happened, Kai?”

“I don’t know exactly,” he said. “I heard you scream my name and when I got to your room, you were on the floor. Your body was convulsing.”

“Shit,” I said.

“Avery rushed into the room and told us you were having a seizure,” he said. Thank God we’d had a nurse in the condo. “She told us to protect your head from bashing into anything until it was over.”

“Oh my God,” I said. I reached my hand to cover my mouth and the IV line yanked painfully at my skin.

“It was freaking scary,” he said, meeting my eyes. “Dakota ran to call nine-one-one, but I just picked you up and carried you to my truck.”

“You drove me to the hospital?” I asked, my eyebrows climbing to my hairline.

His fingers tugged through his hair. “I wasn’t about to wait around.”

“Thank you, Kai,” I said, and he squeezed my hand.

The doctor swept into the room with his white coat and a thick Indian accent.

“Everything checked out fine,” he said in the brusque way I’d become accustomed to after so many doctors. “You’ll be discharged tomorrow, provided you continue on your course of antibiotics. You need to rest and allow your body to recover for another few days. And be sure to make a follow-up appointment with your primary care physician.”

“That’s it?” I asked, still on guard. Afraid to let my defenses down. Surrounded by my fears and anxieties and doubts.

“Yes,” he said. “Meningitis is a fairly treatable condition and certainly can develop in patients who’ve experienced traumatic brain injury. You can resume normal activities as soon as you feel up to it.”

He stepped out into the hall, and my parents followed behind to ask more questions.

“Good news,” Kai said, pulling out his phone. “I’ll text Dakota. She’ll call your friends—they’re waiting to hear, too.”

“I can’t believe this happened.” My hand reluctantly released his fingers to allow him to use his phone. “The doctor made it sound like I just had the flu or something.”

“Amazing how life throws you curve balls.” His eyes flicked to mine and then away. God, he was handsome, with his dark jeans and snug white shirt that illuminated his eyes.

“I bet you ten bucks my parents try to convince me to stay home and commute to classes somewhere else this fall,” I said, my voice scratchy and unsure. Would Kai want that, too?

“I think I’d lose that bet in a heartbeat,” he said with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “You’re just going to have to convince them that you need to get back to your routine as soon as possible.”

I nodded. My parents were sure to worry and resume their vigilant check-ins.

“So now that you’re back in the land of the living, do you have any requests?” he asked, a devastating grin lifting his cheeks and overwhelming all of my senses.

Shit, how in the hell was I supposed to get over him? Returning to college would definitely be the first step. I needed distance from him as soon as possible.

“A hot shower and a toothbrush, for starters,” I said. “God, how out of it was I? I had all these wild fever dreams.”

“Yeah, like what?” He brought his ankle to his knee as if settling in for a good story.

“I don’t know. Just crazy stuff. You were in one of them.” As soon as the words were out, I wanted to take them back. But still, I needed to know. To look in his eyes when I said it out loud. “Like, we were alone and you were . . . whispering to me.”

At first he looked confused and then stricken and finally his expression settled into something unreadable. “You were definitely in and out of consciousness and mumbling stuff. Your parents were here around the clock, so maybe you were . . . hearing them.”

“Probably,” I said, trying to keep the harsh disappointment out of my voice.

His eyes stayed on mine, his lips pursed as if words were hanging there, ready to be said. But then the moment was lost as my parents swept back inside the room.

Kai stood up. “I’m headed up to the fifth floor to visit Micah.”

I’d forgotten about Kai’s promise to Sam. “Wish him well for me.”

Chapter Thirty-one Kai

I fiddled with the amp onstage. I was sitting in on Cameron’s jazz quartet tonight, and the casino was already full with family and friends and regulars. As we each tuned our instruments, I felt my mind wander back to Rachel.

It’s been three weeks since she had been discharged from the hospital, and I’d been terrified I’d lost her that day. When she’d told me about her dream, she might have been recalling her recovery time three years ago. I had whispered lots of things to her back then. We’d been alone quite a bit and my feelings for her had escalated during that time.

I’d wondered just how much she remembered. And I’d almost asked, but things had become awkward enough between us. So I decided that our friendship was more important. In some unspoken agreement we’d been working on it together—hanging out, watching movies, joking, and laughing.

The sexual tension was still a haunting presence, but we’d both done a good job of ignoring it. Besides, I couldn’t help treating her more like a delicate flower since her hospital scare, and she let me know, in her own way, that she didn’t appreciate it.

Her mom’s and dad’s worries were enough, and she didn’t need my reservations on top of that, she’d said. Wanting to take care of her, keep her safe, was becoming more of a struggle than I had ever imagined it would.

She was busy helping her mom with the Pure grand opening and would be leaving for school a couple of weeks after that. I knew she needed to be her own person again. And I was sure to be a complete wreck when she left. It was probably best that she wasn’t in my bed and in my arms any longer. For now, I just wanted to spend as much time with her as she would allow.

Plus, in some undeclared way, she was trying to redeem herself in Dakota’s eyes. I knew my sister had been shocked to hear about Rachel’s transformation at college—mostly hurt that Rachel had tapered contact with her under the pretense of being too busy. But I told her to get the hell over it and offer support to her best friend.

As a result, Dakota had been giving me the silent treatment for days on end, and the absence of her nagging voice had been pure bliss. In fact, it’d given me the time to practice for this event and to set up a strategy to bring good music into the casino. For the first time in a while, I felt as if I had direction in my life.

Tomorrow night, a pan-tribal band would be performing. With Dad’s permission, I booked some different acts this weekend and asked my parents to check out the line-up. They included tambourines and water drums in their set and even sang traditional Peyote songs. I figured Dad would get a kick out of that, as well as the employees and patrons here of Native American descent.

The past couple of weeks, security in the casino had been beefed up due to public drunkenness and an all-out brawl near the craps tables. Of course, that kind of shit came with the territory. This was a place for gambling and drinking, after all.

I wanted to show my father that he could attract different clientele on the weekends. An older or more mature crowd. Maybe couples who wanted a fun, luxurious night out.

The jazz quartet played instrumental numbers, and I’d sat in on a few practice sessions the past month to learn the tunes. We clicked as far as the music was concerned. But musicians could be temperamental no matter what—working in a recording studio had opened my eyes to that.

These guys were different. They weren’t trying to make it huge; they just wanted to tour and play music, and I appreciated that. There hadn’t been any jealousy between them, either. The keyboard player said I was one hell of a bass guitarist. I’d heard that compliment before, and it always made me feel good. But where would that get me, really? No doubt I could play in a few bands like I always had, but that didn’t pay the bills.

“Hey, Kai, before I forget . . .” Cameron came up close behind me as I plugged the power cord into the amp. “We have an appointment at Bixby Studios to record something for an upcoming tour.”

“Yeah?” I said, vaguely familiar with the business over in Carlton County. “That’s cool.”

“I know that mixing is your thing,” he said. My thing? Was anything really my thing? Some little bell went off in my brain. “Would you mind showing up—maybe hang out in the control room and tell us if we’re any good?”

“Dude, they already have their own sound engineers.” I checked the strings on my bass. “What the heck would you need me for?”

“I chewed the fat with Johan recently.” He sat down at his drum set to wait for the sound check signal. “He told me you were really good—a natural.”

“Johan?” My brain was having trouble catching up. “In Amsterdam?”

“Yeah, we’re heading back there in the fall,” he said, twirling a drumstick. “He feels bad, you know.”

I stopped fiddling with the equalizer on the amp. “About?”

He shrugged. “About losing you.”

“About losing me,” I said. What the hell? “Not about accusing me of something I hadn’t done?”

“Well, that, too,” he said, testing his kick petal. “But I don’t think he’s got the balls to admit it.”

“True. He didn’t seem to have any balls at all,” I said, gritting my teeth. “At least not when it came to his girlfriend.”

“He told me you were a brilliant sound guy,” he said. “That you got bands to push themselves, to make their demo shine.”

“That’s a cool compliment.” One that surprised me. Johan was always on my ass about one thing or another.

“Anyway, will you do it?” he asked, before giving the sound guy the thumbs up to begin the check. “Sit in on at least one number?”

I smirked, still thinking about Johan. Bloody bastard. “Sure.”

When I next looked up, Dakota, Shane, and Rachel were seated at a long table in the bar area. My parents headed from the direction of the office and greeted my sister and my friends. Mom hugged Rachel and sat down beside her.

I glanced away to play a few notes for the sound guy, but I felt Rachel’s gaze, so I looked up. It was apparent she and my mom were talking about me, gesturing, smirking, and laughing. I just grinned and shook my head.

A few minutes later, Cameron announced the first number, and I got lost in the music. That’s how it’d always been for me, no matter what kind of band I’d played in. It was like a release of endorphins and always so damn liberating.

The next time I looked out at the audience, the landscape had changed. The bar was packed and there were certainly more couples interspersed with the usual groups of rowdy guys and girls. My father seemed to be making the rounds, speaking to different tables. For all I knew, he was surveying them, asking if they were enjoying themselves.

When I searched for Rachel, my eyes immediately zeroed in on some dude in the seat next to her, running his mouth and motioning with his hands. I tried to keep my reaction neutral. I should have been surprised she hadn’t been hit on sooner. But maybe I’d been giving off a don’t-touch-her-she’s-mine vibe.

Dakota was watching me, so I motioned to Rachel and her admirer, and she wiggled her eyebrows. Must have been the co-worker she was talking about setting Rachel up with. I nodded my approval, even though it took everything in my power not to throw down my instrument and knock the dude on his ass.

Cameron leaned over to ask if I wanted to try out the tune I’d played for them in practice the other day. I’d written it during the sleepless nights in my room, instead of seeking out Rachel or smoking weed. I was the most sober I’d been probably in years and had written one of my favorite pieces in the process. Go figure. And though she’d never know it, I’d secretly named the song after Rachel.

“Sure,” I said. We had nothing to lose, playing something new in this venue. If you were a skilled musician, it was easy to cover up mistakes. You could adjust rather quickly, even if you hit a wrong note in the same scale.

I began by plucking the first few tones, and the band followed. My eyes stayed glued to my temporary band mates so they could follow my tempo changes if one of them strayed.

The song had more of a blues vibe to it, a bit of a departure for this band, but I could tell they liked it. It was earthy and soulful, and I even hummed a couple of words into the mic. The song was personal, only I knew the lyrics, but I thought we pulled it off pretty well.

It wasn’t until the number had finished and we stood to take a break between sets that I heard the applause. The bar was giving us a rousing hand, and my eyes landed on my father, whose face was lit up.

As I neared the table my family and friends were seated at, Shane clapped me on the back. “You guys sound good, man. Haven’t heard you play in years. Loved it.”

Dakota gave me a thumbs-up, and when my gaze clashed with Rachel’s, she had this faraway look in her eyes. The guy next to her was chattering away, but she wasn’t even paying attention to him. Her eyes were trained on me, which sent my stomach into a free fall.

Dakota broke in with introductions. “Kai, this is Andrew. He works in Accounts Payable.”

Andrew held out his hand, and I shook it. “Oh yeah, hey.”

He turned to say something to Shane, and my eyes landed on Rachel’s again.

“Proud of you, Kai.” Rachel held up her hand to give me a high five and my palm met hers in midair. She grabbed on to my hand and pulled me in for a hug.

In my ear, she whispered, “That’s the song you’ve been playing every night.”

“Yeah,” I said, surprised that she recognized it. It had been so long since we’d been this physically close; I just wanted to stay wrapped up in her—smell her skin and kiss her neck—but I pulled away instead. “What did you think?”

“It was amazing,” she said. “I like how you sang a bit of it, too. I never knew you had such a cool voice.”

I reveled in her compliments. I’d sing for her every night if she asked me to. “Thanks.”

Mom gave me a strange look as I left Rachel’s side. Then she blew me a kiss as I inched past her to the bar to order myself a drink.

Sam was seated on a stool next to my father and a few other off-duty casino employees.

“Nice job, son,” my father said, grabbing my shoulder. I knew our set probably sounded decent, but hearing my father say it had been exactly what I needed. “You’ve got us a good crowd tonight.”

When my father turned to talk to the bar manager, Sam said, “Yeah, you play a mean bass.”

“Thanks, Sam,” I said. “How’s Micah?”

Rachel had come to visit Micah with me the day she’d been discharged. Even though we had to wear masks, she sat and talked to him in the visitor’s lounge for a while about his interests, school, and friends. I could tell she’d felt as emotional about his condition as I had. He was a young kid and already had so much to deal with in his life. I could see the stress of his mounting medical bills on his family member’s faces.

“He’s having a good week,” Sam said.

“Glad to hear it,” I said, spotting a familiar face in my peripheral vision. It was Meadow from Housekeeping. She looked different in street clothes. Gorgeous, in fact, with her long hair, dark eyes, and sweet figure. Still, I craved Rachel’s scent and lips and eyes—which tonight were a leafy green, vivid and clear and pure.

As Meadow and I chatted, I couldn’t help glancing over her shoulder at Rachel, who had returned to her conversation with Andrew. I tried not to pay them any attention, but the heaviness of her presence was in this bar. The tension pricked at my spine and settled in my bones.

And maybe this was exactly how it was meant to be. Me, permitting Rachel the space and freedom to discover relationships with new guys. Just what Dakota had said she needed.

I’d allow Rachel that. She probably deserved it. So I’d play along and act interested in whatever Meadow had to say.

Chapter Thirty-two Kai

Walking into the Pure grand opening, I could tell from the window display alone that this was all Rachel’s doing. Rachel’s shop. It might have been her mother’s business but Rachel’s style was written all over it. The front windows were warm browns and bright pinks—strong and feminine, just like her.

I pulled open the glass door as the bell above it jangled, but the sound could barely be heard over the din of the crowd. The place was crammed with family and friends and more than a few new faces. So packed, in fact that the windows were steaming up.

I was greeted at the door by Rachel’s mom, who was passing out lip balm samples. She pulled me into a hug. “You’re looking just as handsome as always. Thanks for coming.”

“I wouldn’t miss it,” I said, staring into the attractive face of Mrs. Mattson. Rachel was definitely her likeness with her dark hair and bright green eyes. “The place looks great.”

“Rachel sure knows how to decorate a space. And pack a room, for that matter,” she said, looking over the crowd. “I couldn’t have done it without her. I’m sure going to miss her when she returns to TSU in a couple of weeks.”

I spotted Rachel across the room in a girly, yellow sundress and my breath caught in the back of my throat. She was laughing with Dakota, a wash of color splashed across her cheeks. She looked relaxed, carefree and stunning.

“It’ll all work out,” I said, when I noticed the worry line between Mrs. Mattson’s brow. “I know you’re nervous, but she’s tough and independent. She’s been through way worse and the university isn’t that far away.”

“You’re a good friend,” she said, patting my arm. I definitely was trying to be again.

A few high school friends were there, including Julia, who’d texted me a couple more times since I’d been home. I’d met friends up at the bar a few nights, and each time she’d been there, I’d turned her down, but she was sure to try again. And maybe tonight I’d play along.

Yeah, right.

I watched as Andrew, the dude who worked with Dakota, stepped up to hand Rachel a drink. A smile tugged at her lips, just as jealousy yanked at my heart.

I tried to keep my head and think about this realistically. Andrew was a nice guy and seemed to be in to Rachel. Dakota had been pushing Rachel into dating again and I couldn’t tell whether she was seeing Andrew to prove something to Dakota or to herself.

I knew that Rachel was trying to get back in Dakota’s good graces, but I also wondered if she was losing herself again. Or maybe I just couldn’t handle the idea of her being with someone else.

Andrew had picked her up at the condo a couple of times in the past several days. I’d listened from my bedroom door, refusing to be in the same space as the two of them—because if I was, I was liable to do something irrational, like fling Rachel over my shoulder, all caveman style.

She never invited him over afterward, but for all I knew, they spent time alone at his place during those nights. And I couldn’t help the torment of wondering if she’d kissed or touched him the in same way.

I needed to stop being so naïve. She’d had plenty of guys before me—I hadn’t been special. I’d been only convenient. Maybe too convenient.

She’d be leaving soon anyway, and then who knew what the hell might happen.

Besides, I had my own shit to figure out, decisions to be made—and very soon.

Rachel’s gaze met mine from across the room as her mother showed me Zen organic something-or-other shirts. Her face brightened but then crossed over to hurt, and my chest tightened into a fist. As if she’d remembered that my friendship came at a cost—that it was still a complex and tangled mess—and I hated that I brought forth those emotions.

She headed over to greet me and what’s-his-face followed behind.

“Thanks for coming,” Rachel said, and then flung her arm around my neck for a hug. I went to kiss her on the cheek, just as she turned her head, and my lips landed on the corner of her mouth instead. Ah hell.

That little taste only made me want more. “Sorry,” I said, backing away.

Color rose in her cheeks, and she had trouble meeting my eyes. “Kai, you remember Andrew.”

I lifted my hand in a wave. “Yep. Nice to see you.”

Yeah, right. If I never saw you again it’d be too soon.

“Andrew,” Mrs. Mattson said. “Dakota tells me you’re transferring your credits to TSU in the fall?”

Seriously? Well played, dude. Now I just wanted my knee to find his nuts.

Panic flared briefly in Rachel’s eyes. Maybe she wasn’t even into this guy, and it had all been my imagination.

But then she flashed him a sweet smile, and I felt confused all over again.

“Yes,” he said. “They have a great finance program and I already took all of my core classes at the community college.”

There was a closer university about twenty minutes away, so I wondered why he hadn’t just transferred there.

“And I live in Hamilton County, so the commute to TSU is shorter.”

So it would have been a toss-up either way. I needed to knock it off and stop acting like this guy was ready to propose or some shit.

Mrs. Mattson’s face brightened. “I’m glad Rachel will have more friends around.”

Rachel looked away, but I caught the subtle roll of her eyes.

Shane had just joined our group as Mrs. Mattson turned to me.

“How about you, Kai?” she asked. “What are you plans for the fall?”

Dakota showed up next to Shane with a full glass of wine. “Yeah, what are your plans, Kai?”

She was such a pain in my ass lately. The exact reason why I hadn’t confided my news to her.

“You didn’t tell them yet?” Shane said, balancing a plate of appetizers and a bottle of beer.

“Tell us what?” Dakota reached for a carrot from Shane’s plate and doused it in ranch dressing.

Rachel refused to meet my gaze, and the words seemed to stick in my throat. I just shook my head.

“He might go back to Amsterdam,” Shane said. “Same setup as last time, right, dude? Classes at the university in between working at the recording studio.”

“Yeah, Johan asked me back,” I said, finally finding my voice. Rachel’s eyes flicked to mine, but I turned to Mrs. Mattson to avoid any emotions that might pass between us. “We had a little . . . misunderstanding this spring. He called me to discuss it and offered me another opportunity.”

That conversation had happened two nights ago, when I’d been out with Shane. I’d been shocked, to say the least. I’d been mulling the move over the last couple of days, considering all of my options. My parents would definitely be impressed if I returned to Johan’s studio and got my shit together, along with my degree.

“Fantastic,” Mrs. Mattson said. “So you’ll be heading to the Netherlands again soon?”

Truth be told, I hadn’t been sure until that very moment—I decided I needed to finally make a choice. Do something. Be somebody, for Christ’s sake.

“Yes,” I said, trying to sound confident in my decision. “I’ll be leaving in a couple of weeks.”

“Wow, Kai,” Dakota said with a look of something like awe in her eyes. The first expression of support she’d shown me all summer. “Do Mom and Dad know?”

“Not yet,” I said. “I’ll let them know in the morning.”

“They should be happy about your decision.”

I nodded and threw a quick glance Rachel’s way. Her eyes were unfocused and her shoulders were stiff. She seemed to be trying to keep her mouth in a neat straight line.

Finally she met my gaze, the corners of her lips turning up, and said, “Congratulations.”

Her gaze swept over the crowd before returning to her mother. “We’re getting low on appetizers. I’ll refill some plates.”

Then she walked away, leaving me to deal with my tornado of emotions.

Chapter Thirty-three Rachel

Stomach convulsing, I rushed to the back room as quickly as I could. We’d cleared a table for extra fruit, crackers, and wine for the opening, next to a shelf filled with my mother’s candle-making supplies.

I grabbed an additional serving tray and began loading grapes onto it.

Overcome with despair, I sagged against the table.

What in the fuck. Kai was leaving again?

I supposed he had no grounds to stay. I certainly wasn’t a good enough reason.

Going to college an hour away from home was completely different than traipsing off to a separate goddamn continent.

Sure, we had been back to friends-only status since the concert that weekend. Based on his angry outburst, all I could gather was that he thought I was using him for his body. But hadn’t he done the same? And hadn’t he encouraged just that?

After my recent hospital stay, he’d practically treated me like a porcelain doll—something I used to be able to count on him not to do.

At least Andrew had treated me like a normal girl. But I’d accepted his offers of hanging out for the wrong reasons. He was cute and nice and great, actually. The kind of guy I would have been interested in a few years ago. But I wasn’t the same Rachel anymore. Especially not after being with Kai. And shit, now I’d have to see Andrew around TSU campus, too.

I was tired of Dakota acting disappointed in me and asking me five hundred questions about the past three years. It was true that I’d avoided in-depth phone calls or visits home, which she was beginning to piece together. It was clear how much she didn’t really know me anymore.

And being around her again just reminded me how much I respected her, revered her, even—how straitlaced and honorable she’d been most of the time. How tough it had been to live up to that, even thought she hadn’t asked me to.

Instead of arguing with her, I felt some bizarre need to compensate. So I told her I was ready to date some nice guys again. As if I’d been the victim of my meaningless hookups instead of seeking out guys to get lost in.

Truth be told, I’d also hoped that having Andrew pick me up at the condo might’ve jogged something in Kai. Made him realize that he missed being with me—in an intimate way, instead of just allowing me to use him to fulfill my sexual needs.

I figured he’d moved on already. He’d been going up to the bar, and I’d overheard my high school friend Julia talking about how hot he was, so I assumed he’d hooked up with her. Of course, I’d lain awake at night tormenting myself imagining how he’d probably dirty talked her.

And finally, I had hoped that Andrew was the solution to all that was Kai. Would help me get over him, forget him. That maybe I’d slowly fall for Andrew. Like I had with Kai.

How it was like some crazy, wicked roller coaster. You’re climbing the tracks, hoping for a decent thrill, when suddenly the bottom drops out, and you’re crashing headlong into the most electrifying ride of your life.

But kissing Andrew was like grabbing on to a fizzling sparkler on the Fourth of July. And making out with Kai inspired the awe of the grand fucking finale. Opulent and exhilarating and wholly captivating.

I wasn’t sure if any guy would ever measure up to his charm, his glow, his magnetism. His dirty mouth. And truth be told, I no longer felt like finding out. I was done dealing with my problems this way. It was useless and dumb and only reminded me of what I was missing.

Before I could fully reason my way through my map of emotions, Kai came bursting through the door, shutting it closed behind him.

He stared at me, his breathing broken and heavy in the enclosed space. How someone could be so beautiful and self-possessed was a mystery. His dark hair hanging loose. His tight black pants and gray high-top Vans. It was almost painful to look at him.

“Rachel, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” he said, his voice raw with emotion. “I only made up my mind to go back to Amsterdam today.”

“No problem,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady. “I’m not your keeper. You don’t need to run your decisions by me.”

“True. You’re not,” he huffed out. “But you are my friend. My best friend.”

My chest constricted agonizingly. I wanted to reach out to him. To erase this invisible wall between us. Remove my desire to touch him, kiss him, and taste him. I could see it in his eyes, too. Desire, flanked by awkwardness and hurt. Being together had fucked our friendship up royally.

He may have enjoyed our sexual relationship, but we both knew that Kai belonged to no one, least of all to me. So the most I could’ve hoped for was to hear him say those words. His plea for my friendship.

“Yeah, well,” I said finally. “It hasn’t felt that way lately.”

“I know.” He stepped forward, and I held my breath. “It’s been so messed up between us. I’m so sorry. Had I really thought it all through—that I might lose your friendship . . .”

What he wasn’t saying was that he wouldn’t have been intimate with me. And that hurt, even though it did sound mature. Because I’d prayed for him to want me—the whole package—all of me. And now he was leaving again and I wouldn’t be able even to hug him for a long time. Maybe ever. Not like that, anyway.

“I’m not going to apologize for any of it, though. It happened. It is what it is.” His fingers slipped a piece of my hair behind my ear. “But the truth of the matter is that I . . . I miss you, Turtle.”

I shuddered at his touch. His lips moved closer to my ear. “So much.”

I closed my eyes. “Me, too.”

He pulled me into a tight hug, and I reveled in his touch, being tucked inside his warm arms. Smelling his spicy scent, feeling his soft hair against my cheek while his fingers touched my back.

“This summer showed me how much I value your friendship,” he said into my hair. “And I don’t know what’s going to happen when I leave the country and you return to school.”

He tugged me flush against him. “But I don’t want to lose you again, Rachel.”

“We didn’t lose each other,” I said. “I just lost myself. And that’s not going to happen again.”

“It’s not?” He pulled back to look at me. “What about with this new guy, Andy?”

I jabbed him playfully. “You know his name is Andrew. And I don’t know. He’s nice.”

“He seems like a good guy.” He sighed. I wanted him to be angry, possessive, claim me as his own, but that had all been just a pipe dream. “I just want you to be happy.”

I nodded, feeling the sting of tears at the backs of my eyes. If he only knew what would truly make me happy.

“I just want you to promise me, Rachel,” he said.

“Promise you what?”

“That we won’t lose each other . . . ditch each other.”

He was bouncing my words back at me.

“Because no matter how you spin it,” he said, cupping my cheeks. “You left, too.”

He yanked his phone out of his pocket and began typing something. I wondered what in the hell he was doing until I heard my cell buzz with a text.

I pulled it out of my purse and read his message.

Let’s start keeping in touch now. Texts will be the easiest way, Turtle.

I nodded, and then we heard the knob jiggle and backed farther away from each other. As if we’d been caught doing something wrong. When for the first time, the only thing we were doing was being friends.

I lifted up the cheese tray, handed Kai a bottle of wine, and turned toward the door.

Dakota stepped inside the room. “Your mom sent me back here. What the hell is taking you so long?”

“Tone it down, Dakota,” Kai said, strolling around her and out the door.

I just shrugged and handed her another bottle of wine.

Chapter Thirty-four Kai

I was leaving in the morning and my heart—my soul—was heavy. My bones weary, as if I was just going through the motions. Even though I was looking forward to getting back into the studio, I wasn’t as thrilled about returning to the country where I’d felt so unsure of myself, lost about so many things.

But I told myself it was a step in the right direction—that I hadn’t figured things out all summer long and this would at least help keep me focused on my future.

As soon as I made the decision, the days flew by. I made preparations for travel and finished my shifts at the casino. I wanted to show my parents how sincere I’d been about being responsible and finishing my degree. Maybe I’d come back in a year and feel surer, more settled.

Maybe I’d be over her once and for all.

Since our talk at the Pure grand opening, Rachel and I had been better at the friendship thing, both of us trying to be present with each other, even though there was sadness at hand every time we were in each other’s company—as if we’d never see each other again.

So I got in the habit of texting her short status updates every day, even though we lived in the same condo. I figured that would be our form of communication when we were away, and I wanted to make sure to keep in touch this time around. I wanted to hear about her classes and her life. I wanted to be a part of her world as a friend, and maybe that would make leaving less difficult.

Out of earshot of Dakota, I told her that it was good for her to date again. That she deserved to have a healthy relationship with somebody who appreciated her. Who she could be herself around—and she almost burst into tears at my declaration. But we’d been in front of the television and Dakota could’ve walked back in the room at any moment with our popcorn from the microwave.

I’d said my good-byes tonight to my family and friends during a quick dinner at the casino. It had been quiet, my mother and Rachel equally sullen. As soon as I got to my car, I pulled out my phone to text Rachel. She was supposed to be catching a movie with Shane, Dakota, and Andrew—a blockbuster sneak preview that Dakota had gotten tickets to weeks ago.

I had bowed out, saying that I needed to pack a few more things. Instead, I sent her a final good-bye message with a more positive spin.

Have fun at the movie. If I don’t see you, I’ll text you when I land and let you know I arrived safely. Night, Turtle.

It seemed to take her a while to respond as I zipped my final belonging into my bag.

My father had arranged for a driver to take me to the airport in a few short hours. But now I was like a caged tiger, pacing back and forth, practically waffling on my decision.

I played a couple of tunes on my upright bass, before placing it back in its hard-shell case. Dakota had agreed to keep some of my belongings that were harder to ship at the condo. I would used Johan’s spare bass in the studio, one I’d grown most fond of.

When I still hadn’t heard back from Rachel twenty minutes later, I chucked my phone on the bed and plugged in my headphones. If I was going to get any sleep tonight, no matter how minimal, I need to calm the fuck down.

A few moments later, I was startled by a hard knock at my bedroom door. Who in the hell was in the condo?

When I swung open the door Rachel stood there biting her lip, unsteady on her feet. “What . . . why aren’t you at the movie?”

She looked down at her toes. “Dakota and Shane went, but I asked Andrew to drive me home.”

My heart was lodged painfully in my throat. “Why?”

“I just . . . couldn’t . . .” Fat tears began rolling down her cheeks.

“Hey, come here.” My hand at her hip, I pulled her into me. “I’m going to miss you, too.”

She tucked her head into my chest, her fingers grasping at my shoulders.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I said, kicking the door shut behind her.

“No. I just . . .” Her voice was soft and breathy. “I need you to hold me.”

When her emerald eyes met my midnight blues, a spark flared in my chest so forceful, scorching, overwhelming—that I nearly doubled over from the intensity.

It was as if all the molecules in the room were rearranging themselves to be in our airspace—forcing our fiery energy together.

It was so primal, there was no way anyone would have been able to tear us apart.

In one second flat, I had her wedged against the door. I ran my nose along her jawline as her breaths became ragged.

“Kai.”

My lips skimmed her ear. “What the hell are we doing, Rachel?”

“I don’t know.” She whimpered as my fingers braced the back of her neck beneath her hairline. “It’s already fucked up. I’d rather you left with this kind of memory, wouldn’t you?”

I growled as I lifted her off the floor, and she wrapped her legs around my waist.

My hands traveled beneath her denim skirt to her nearly-bare ass, and my hard-on ground against her stomach.

Dakota was at a movie, we were alone in the apartment, and Rachel was mine—all fucking mine, for these final stolen minutes. I wished that I could freeze this moment and stare into her eyes for all of eternity. I had no idea what the fuck we were doing—just that I needed this, too, even though I’d pay for it later.

Her arms wrapped more securely around my neck, and I leaned forward to kiss the tears from her cheeks, her skin salty, her smell divine.

This was so going to fuck with my brain, but I didn’t even care. The chance to be close to her one last time was like finding water in a fucking desert. I was ravenous for her.

She fisted my hair as her mouth found my ear. “Kiss me, Kai.”

My heart was practically crashing out of my chest as I brushed my mouth against hers, savoring how soft, how smooth her lips felt. Committing them to memory for later, when I was alone with my thoughts, my fears, and my regrets.

She hummed in response, revving me up like a wind-up toy.

I flicked my tongue at the seam of her lips, and she opened up to me. I explored every corner—her teeth, her gums, the roof of her mouth. She moaned when my ring caught on the inside of her lip. “Oh, God.”

Our lips crashed together in a deep and bruising and all-consuming kiss. It felt as if the stars in the entire fucking galaxy had aligned, and I never wanted to let go, to kiss anyone else ever again.

Her mouth tasted like cinnamon and her skin smelled like rice flower and I was drowning in her. Submerged in the ocean of everything that was quintessentially Rachel.

I sank down on my sheets, bringing her with me, and then scooted back against the headboard. I felt so alive having her in my arms, in my bed. Our lips continued searching, barely coming up for air.

Her hands were everywhere, touching every part of me she could reach. She shoved at my shirt, and I gathered the cotton material behind my neck to haul it over my head.

“Much better,” she purred into my ear.

“Your turn.” I lifted off her shirt and then made quick work of unclasping her bra and tugging it from her arms. I hadn’t been sure if I’d ever be able to lay eyes on those pert brown nipples again, and the sight of them made me lose my breath.

Then we were skin to skin, the soft cushions of her breasts flattening against my chest, and I considered telling her that she needed to come to Amsterdam with me.

Live with me. Be with me. Never let me go.

Chapter Thirty-five Kai

I cupped her face in my hands. “God, what you do to me.”

I nibbled and licked her bottom lip and then swept kisses along her neck. I flicked my tongue against her collarbone and then down the center of her chest. Drawing her soft breast into my mouth, I sucked it into a stiff peak.

She grasped my neck as her other hand worked between us to flick open the button of my pants. All lucid thought seeped from my brain as her fingers worked my zipper, and she then gripped me firmly in her palm.

I groaned as my mouth found her other nipple and tugged it between my lips. She cried out and ground her ass against my legs.

“Touch me, Kai,” she mumbled in a haze of desire. “No holding back. I need to feel your hands.”

I knew she was saying these words because I’d been too delicate with her this past month. But now—I couldn’t hold back now even if I tried.

My hands traveled to her ass, and I jerked her skirt up around her waist. She was wearing a lacy white G-string like some goddamn angel.

“Are you trying to kill me?” I grunted out. “I need to see that pretty pussy right now.”

Her head fell back, and she moaned in an erotic way that appealed to some animalistic part of me. My longing for her skyrocketed and my patience grew thin. I grasped hold of the thin strings on either side of her panties and ripped them away from her body.

Her eyes were wide in wonder as the lacy material slid from my fingers to the floor.

“Gorgeous. So goddamn gorgeous,” I whispered as my finger reached down to tunnel inside of her. She whimpered so loudly the neighbors might have heard, but it was arousing as hell, considering we’d had to be quiet every other time.

And now she was grasping my dick and rubbing it against her thigh, trying to scoot her body closer. “Fuck, baby.”

I removed my finger from inside of her, and she brought it to her lips.

Watching her lick my finger clean was one of the sexiest damn things I’d ever seen.

She pumped her hand up and down my erection and then rubbed the tip over her soft center. And holy fuck, my dick coming in contact with her wet entrance almost made me explode on contact.

She jerked her hips forward, intent on joining our bodies, and I grabbed hold of her shoulders. “Wait, Rachel . . .”

“I’m not holding back this time,” she said, her eyes glazed over with longing. “I need to feel you inside of me. Right now.”

“Oh, you’ll feel me.” I clutched her cheeks in an effort to keep her focused. “I’m going to bury myself inside that gorgeous pussy until you scream my name and come all over my dick.”

Her eyes widened and her lips parted. She loved when I talked dirty and I planned on delivering. “But we need to find a condom.”

I hadn’t bought any condoms in a couple of months but there was certain to be a spare around here somewhere. She wasn’t thinking straight, so I needed to be the rational one.

“No condom,” she said adamantly. “I want you inside me with nothing between us.”

Goddamn. My dick was now standing at attention. “Rachel, what the fuck are you saying?”

“I want to feel this”—she ran her fingernail over my piercing—“inside me.”

My face fell. Is that what this was all about? She’d never been with a pierced guy before. She only wanted the thrill of it.

“Don’t you dare even say it,” she hissed. “This is about you. About every single part of you. And every single part of you and me together.”

Her eyes met mine with fierce determination. And I saw everything in them. Honesty and sadness. Desire and affection.

“I’m on the pill and I . . . I want to do this with you,” she whispered against my lips. “Right now, Kai.”

“Fuck, Rachel, you’re going to make me come before I even get inside of you.”

She wiggled her hips over my crotch, the tip of my dick resting at her entrance. And it felt . . . holy fuck, it felt incredible. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to hold back.

“I want you so fucking bad,” I growled.

I lifted her ass and yanked her forward, so that she was fully straddling me. Our eyes met as she was suspended there. I wanted to be sure this was absolutely what she wanted—that we were making this decision together.

“Yes,” she whispered, and then I slowly lowered her onto me. We both groaned as I entered her. My brain had liquified. The sensation was unimaginable.

Incomprehensible. Un-fucking-believable.

In another second, I had filled her completely and was so damn deep inside her body. I wanted to remain nestled there. Joined as one.

I’d only ever gone bareback once, and it’d been a stupid drunk-ass mistake. But this . . . fuck . . . this was like towering above the clouds, stomach swooping, senses on high alert, as the entire universe was laid out before you.

Grabbing hold of my shoulders for leverage, her nails dug into my skin. Her lips were parted, her eyes fiery with hunger. Engrossed in her task, she lifted up again and moaned before sinking back down, taking me inch by fucking inch.

I grabbed hold of her hips, desperate to slam her down over me, but allowing her to set the pace. My eyes threatened to cross as she continued to move. The feel of her wet and dripping center clenching my dick as she found her rhythm was a sensation I wouldn’t soon forget.

My legs were trembling and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold out. Her eyes were glassy and she began quivering with each thrust. “God, Kai, when you hit . . . that . . . one spot.”

And then she fell apart in my arms, shuddering all around me. A rosy flush had crept over her chest and cheeks, and her lips were shivering—I remained motionless, watching her, my thumbs brushing tender circles over her thighs. I wanted to keep thrusting but I also needed to witness this—Rachel coming undone. It was breathtaking.

“Don’t stop, Kai,” she finally said, catching her breath. “Keep moving.”

“Hold up a minute,” I said. I flipped her onto the bed and yanked down her skirt so that she was on my sheets completely naked. Her knees were bent, her feet flat on the mattress. Her skin glistened and her buds were still hard. I took a mental picture of her, so that when I was halfway around the world, I’d have a snapshot of this moment.

I stood and pushed down my pants, finally feeling unrestricted.

Her eyes roved over my bare skin, top to bottom, and then she sighed. “You’re beautiful.”

I worked my way up her body, licking her calves and her slick thighs, before landing between her legs. I needed to taste her again, in case I was never given another chance.

She squirmed and moaned as I sucked on her swollen nub.

After a few seconds more, she yanked at my hair. “No, Kai. Inside me. Now.”

“So bossy,” I said, crawling up her body. “I like it.”

I positioned my tip near her entrance and my thighs quivered with blinding need. I was so ready to just bury all of myself inside her warm body—to pump her full of my fears and doubts and regrets about leaving.

She wrapped her legs around my waist, and I pinned her arms above her head, consuming her eager lips. I thrust inside her, hard and deep and wet.

And holy fucking Christ, she felt tight and warm and goddamn perfect at this angle.

The sensation was almost too much to handle, and I stilled my body, hissing through my teeth.

“Move, Kai,” she said, snapping me out of my reverie. “Harder. Faster.”

She didn’t have to ask twice as I pumped into her hot and solid over and over, attempting to release all of it—my pain and passion and sorrow. Her thighs trembled and she arched up against me, her nails biting into my back as she was swept away again, mumbling my name against my neck.

It only took a few more firm thrusts before I let loose inside her. I attempted to pull out, but she gripped my ass and drove me into her, as I groaned deep and long.

“Fuck. Goddamn.” I sank down on top of her, attempting to calm my racing heart. I was a shuddering, panting mess. “So incredible.”

I kissed her neck and rolled off of her, still wanting to keep her close.

I reached for the towel from my earlier shower and cleaned her up, placing a soft kiss on each breast.

I feathered my fingers through her hair, over her jaw, and across her lips. The only sound was our heavy breathing as we lay quietly studying each other.

The finality of this moment—and the sorrow that came with it—slowly crept back in like a dense fog descending upon us.

And I saw the realization mirrored in the dark flecks of her eyes. I didn’t want to let her go, and I adjusted my arms across her stomach to grip her tighter.

We lay there for several long minutes, each lost in our own head.

Eventually, she pushed out of my grasp, and my heart lurched. I watched, trying to memorize her beautiful body, as she stood and began dressing. Her skirt, then her bra, before she tugged her top over her head.

Her face was a map of emotions as she looked down at her ripped underwear lying on the floor, considering whether to pick it up. In the end, she left it there.

She finally met my gaze, a silent, heartrending good-bye reflected in her eyes.

Knee propped on the bed, she leaned over, her mouth hovering close to mine. As her lips brushed my cheek, I closed my eyes, reveling in her touch. Her mouth feathered over my shoulder, my chest, and then down to my stomach and my muscles contracted from the intimate contact.

Her lips closed around the skin above my waist and she sucked, hard. I groaned and my fingers flew to her hair. “Rachel, what are you . . . ?”

She pulled back to admire her handiwork, then stood up and moved toward the door.

“Wait,” I said, emotions clogging my throat.

I wanted her to stay. And I needed her to go.

My heart threatened to burst from my chest. And then felt as if it might stop beating altogether.

She shook her head without turning around.

Her fingers roughly gripped the door handle, her knuckles turning white.

And then she was gone.

Chapter Thirty-six Rachel

I decided to return to school a week early because the condo felt too empty without Kai.

The night we had that amazing, mind-blowing sex, I couldn’t stay in the same space any longer. So I drove to my mother’s house, where I broke down and told her everything. She held me and kissed my head and told me that if he felt the same way, I’d know soon enough.

But I knew she was wrong, and besides, I didn’t want to hold out hope. Furthermore, his texts were vague, almost drab. I understood what he was attempting to do—to make sure we kept in touch—but they were almost too painful to read.

Arrived in Amsterdam. It’s rainy today.

Thanks for the weather forecast, Kai.

Whereas I didn’t know very much when he’d lived in Amsterdam the first time, now I knew almost too much. I kept picturing him tooling around town, grabbing coffee, meeting hot Dutch women.

Truth be told, his texts had become my lifeline. So I was screwed either way.

I now lived with Ella in Avery’s old apartment and that made my parents feel more secure. Living alone would have made them worry too much that I’d get sick and have no one to check in on me. I think Ella and Avery felt the same way, even though they never voiced it.

I had been open with them about my crush on Kai and a few things that had gone down—but some details would remain private, just between him and me.

They were convinced that Kai’s feelings for me extended beyond friendship, given how he’d acted the day after the concert when I was hospitalized. But I assured them that he’d always been protective of me, especially three years earlier, during recovery.

Getting back into my class load felt good—as if I was moving forward with my life.

Business had picked up at Pure since the grand opening, so with Mom’s support, we hired some part-time help. That assuaged my guilt about returning to my college life. Not that there was any real life left.

I certainly had no earthly desire to attend any sporting event or party. Besides, Kai had basically ruined guys for me. I would forevermore remember how it felt to have him inside of me. And right now, nothing would compare.

Before I hit the road, Dakota and I finally had it out. She told me I was brooding, I told her she was bitchy, and we decided to lay it all out on the line.

I figured everything else had pretty much been ruined, and I wasn’t enjoying my current relationship with Dakota anyway—how we tiptoed around each other—so I needed to finally have an open discussion with her.

“I can’t be who you want me to be,” I said one morning over a cup of coffee. It had been quiet between us. I could tell stuff had been on her mind, too. We used to be more open with each other. Until I had stuff to hide.

And now I still had stuff to hide, and I was weary from the effort.

What in the hell did I have to lose anyway?

“Which is who, exactly?” she said, huffing out a gust of air.

As if she’d been exasperated with me. The same thing I’d been feeling from her since my friends had come up for the concert. Even they’d given me less shit than she had. Sure, they’d call under the pretense of worrying about my campus housing, when in reality it was about my health and I couldn’t begrudge them that.

They seemed to have moved beyond the fact that I had kept plenty from them. But it appeared Dakota couldn’t.

“Miss Goody-Goody,” I said, straightening myself and trying not to cave under her stern gaze. “I know I was that girl before, but I’m not anymore.”

“Finally,” she said, letting out a breath. “God, Rachel, you may not realize this, but I actually admire you.”

“Admire me?” I said in a daze. Dakota’s entire countenance had changed. “For what?”

“For one thing, fighting so hard through your recovery. You went through hell day in and day out.” She grabbed the creamer and topped off her coffee. “And second, for just . . . being your own person. Doing what you wanted. It wasn’t the best way, surely . . .”

I rolled my eyes. She just couldn’t help herself.

“But you were strong. You did things your own way.” Her hand slapped the table, making me jump. “You weren’t completely out-of-your-mind scared about the future—like I’d been for you. I was freaked out and probably didn’t always act in your best interest. I’m sure I was a pain in the butt most of the time.”

I thought of how sheltered I’d felt by Dakota and my parents and how I’d longed to just break free and fly away . . . like Kai. How beautiful he looked in all of his uninhibited glory.

So maybe I had channeled a bit of him during the past three years.

Just thinking about Kai hurt my heart.

“Thank you, Dakota. Hearing you voice that . . . means the world to me,” I said, all of my anger flying out the window. “You’re kind of hard to hold a candle to.”

“Yeah, right,” she mumbled. “I know I act like I’m Miss Perfect—at least that’s what Shane calls me.”

She dipped her head. That was such an un-Dakota-like move that my eyes flicked up to study her. “Is that why you’ve been . . . walking around like you have a stick up your ass?”

“Kind of . . .” She bit her lip.

“Out with it, now,” I said, nudging her leg beneath the table. “Dakota, we used to tell each other everything. What happened to us?”

She gave me one of her award-winning looks.

“Okay, I get it—I had everything to do with that. Keeping our phone calls and visits short. I’m sorry.”

“I’d like to get back to where we once were,” she said.

“Start by telling me what’s wrong,” I said. I knew by saying that I might have to reciprocate, but at this point, I was tired of holding it all in.

“Shane is leaving next week.” She took a fortifying breath. “You are, too. And Kai already left.”

God, how selfish had I been that I didn’t notice that my seemingly strong friend would also feel left behind? She just always sounded so tough—working a ton of hours, hanging out with casino employees, and keeping busy with her college courses.

“Oh, honey,” I stood up to give her a one-armed hug. We were verbal but not always demonstrative in our affection. But I felt like I needed to be this time. “I didn’t know you felt that way.”

“Of course I do—you guys are my family.”

I playfully yanked on a strand of hair that had come loose from her ponytail. “Shane is your family, too?”

“Well, no. Shane and I . . .” She looked down at the table, a rose color climbing up her cheeks.

“There’s something there, asshead. I’m no dummy,” I practically hissed. “Massive sexual chemistry.”

“I’ve been denying it for a long time,” she said, finally looking me in the eye.

“Isn’t that because your brother didn’t approve?” It felt better not saying his name out loud.

“Probably,” she said. “But Kai said something to Shane before he left for Amsterdam.”

“What in the hell did he say?”

“His exact words were: ‘Go for it, dude.’”

My jaw hung open incredulously. “As in, you and Shane?”

“Yeah,” she said, her eyes wide. “Shane said he seemed different. More open to the idea. Said he didn’t want to hold anybody back from finding happiness.”

“Holy crap.” What in the hell had made Kai change his mind about that? Was it because of what had happened between us?

“And you may not think I’m so perfect after all,” Dakota said, twirling a coffee-stained napkin in front of her.

I narrowed my eyes. “What do you mean?”

“Shane and me. We’ve . . . kissed. We’ve . . . made out a couple of times this summer.”

“You dirty little slut.” I laughed, actually relieved that Dakota had faults—vulnerabilities—just like the rest of humanity. “And?”

“It was amazing,” she said, with a dreamy glint in her eyes.

Then her eyes darted away. “But now he’s leaving.”

I squeezed her hand. Gosh, if she only knew how wrecked I was over someone leaving, as well. “It’s not like you can’t date long-distance. You both have a year left. You’ll figure it out.”

“That’s exactly what Shane said.” She, however, didn’t look entirely convinced.

“See?” I said. “Think positive.”

“God, I feel so much better now that I told you,” she said. “I suppose I should thank my brother. Or not. That little shit.”

I grinned and shook my head. Siblings. “Why do you think Kai gave his blessing?”

“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “He’s been different, more mature. Maybe I was wrong to get on his case all summer.”

“Please, you’re always on his case. This summer was no different.”

She chuckled. “True.”

“Dakota . . .” It was on the tip of my tongue and I needed to just come out with it. “You know how close I feel to Kai, right? I consider him one of my best friends.”

She nodded. “You guys have a close friendship. He respects you a lot.”

“I . . . think”—my neck and cheeks and ears heated up—“I’ve developed a little crush on him this summer.”

Dakota stayed silent, and I had no idea what she was thinking.

Shit, had I ruined everything by telling her?

She folded her arms across her chest. “So you finally admit it?”

My head snapped up. “Huh?”

“In my opinion, you’ve had a crush on my brother since high school. Along with every other girl,” she said. “I don’t know what it is about girls swooning over bad boys. We’ve got to do something to save ourselves.”

I laughed, but it wasn’t genuine. Dakota lumping me in with every other girl made my stomach turn over. Brought me back to reality. Gave me the good thump on the head I needed.

“I’m sorry, Rachel,” she said, biting her lip. “I don’t know if my brother will ever settle down.”

“No, it’s cool—I’ll totally get over it,” I said, shaking my head vigorously. Suddenly I wanted to take it all back and suffer silently again. “I won’t see him for a long time, anyway.”

And that’s what kept me grounded as I got through my first month of classes.

Remembering how unconvinced Dakota had sounded about her own brother.

Chapter Thirty-seven Kai

The first thing I did when I arrived in Amsterdam—besides taking a lengthy shower and a nap—was to tell Johan that I needed more shifts in order to learn everything I could about the business.

I’d had a long plane ride to think it all through. Returning to Amsterdam didn’t exactly sit well in my gut. So I needed to use my time here wisely and force myself to figure out what the hell I was doing with my life.

I worked long hours at the studio and absorbed as much information as I could about equipment, instruments, and relationships in the music biz. An idea was beginning to take shape, and when I told Johan about it, he was cool with it. He even said it didn’t surprise him.

What had kept me going was the adrenaline rush of finally having a goal and doing the work to achieve it. I didn’t even bother with weed, even though it was more readily available over there. I also pretty much hung on Rachel’s daily texts.

I couldn’t shake our last night together. The way she’d looked at me, how it felt to be buried so deep inside her. When her white lace underwear fell out of my suitcase my first night back in the Netherlands, I almost texted her a picture of it. To remind her of the incredible connection we’d had.

That first week, I also couldn’t help running my fingers over the damn hickey on my stomach that she gave me before leaving my room. I imagined her lips there and wished it would stay on my skin forever.

And now, as I thought about Rachel’s smile, her struggles and determination, the blood rushed through my ears with a thunderous roar. Fuck. It was time, goddamn it. To be brave and present in my own body.

I needed to go after what I wanted and not let some other guy have her. Maybe my goals were shit compared to goals someone like Andrew had. Maybe she wouldn’t think I’d measure up. Hell, even I wasn’t sure if I measured up, but fuck, I needed to at least try.

If I professed my feelings for Rachel and the moment fell flat, then at least I would have given it my all.

So while I worked on my strategy, I kept texting her, in an effort to send her daily reminders that she was still in my thoughts, even though I was a whole world away.

Me: Got to sit in with a new band today.

Rachel: On bass?

Me: Yeah.

Rachel: Very cool.

Me: So . . . those upstanding college boys keeping you on your toes?

Rachel: Ha ha. Bet there are enough Dutch woman to keep you busy over there.

Me: The only woman I’ve been busy with recently has been you.

Holy shit, I had actually confessed something over text. My heart was bouncing inside my chest. My fingers shook on the keyboard.

It seemed to take her forever to respond. Had I professed too much? Suddenly I was doubting myself. Again.

Rachel: Yeah? Been working too many hours at the studio? Not enough play time?

Me: IDK, something like that.

As soon as I sent that dismissive response I wanted to take it back.

So I followed it up with one more text.

The night before I left was intense, Rachel. And despite what you may think, I’m not jumping from bed to bed. Anyway, gotta run. Talk more, soon.

Her response back had been a vague Okay and came way late, like maybe she’d had no clue what to say. The following day we resumed texting normal, friendly stuff about our days.

* * *

Before long, I was sitting in my parent’s office at the casino. I’d been home a couple of days and had sworn Dakota to secrecy. But I knew that wouldn’t last long. She’d already informed Shane, which I’d been cool about. He was my best friend, after all.

And despite giving my sister and best friend my blessing, I still wasn’t ready to hear the nitty-gritty. Just like I was sure Dakota wouldn’t want to hear how I couldn’t get Rachel’s beautiful body, soft voice, and warm lips out of my head.

I’d shocked the shit out of my sister by returning and asking if I could stay at her place for a while longer, until I got my life in order. I didn’t tell her about Rachel, not yet. I wanted to reserve that information for Rachel’s ears alone.

If she wanted me, then we could tell everybody, together.

I was afraid she was either already in deep with Andrew or still wanted to remain unattached, but given the personal nature of our recent texts, I was hoping my intuition had been right. That maybe she was missing me as much as I was missing her and would be willing to take it to the next level. To give us a fair chance.

But I needed to be looking her in the eye when I said everything I wanted to say.

I needed to see deep inside her heart—inside her soul. Even if fear, uncertainty, or guilt was hiding beneath those emerald irises.

If I had to—no matter how hard it would be—I’d walk away.

As I made my way into my father’s office that morning, Stuart spotted me near the lobby. Eyebrows raised, he asked, “You okay, son?”

“Yep. Just back in town. . . . to make my own peace,” I said, throwing his famous quote back at him. “To live with the choices I’ve made.”

A gigantic smile draped his cheeks right before he gave me two good clunks on my back. “Make Chief Red Hawk proud. And your father.”

Something that felt a lot like pride bubbled inside my chest as I stepped inside my father’s office. Only to have it be deflated instantly.

“Have a seat, son.” My father’s voice was biting, stern. Disappointment was mapped across his face. My mother stood to the side of his desk, worry etching her brow.

He waited until I was seated before he said, “What happened in Amsterdam this time?”

“Honey . . .” my mother began, but my father held up his hand.

“No,” he said. “I’m not going to go easy on him.”

My stomach was all twisted up in knots. I had this desperate need for my parents to see me navigate my life without being such a fuckup. To show them that I had a real plan, one that I was excited about. But it would take some convincing.

“Mom and Dad,” I said. I felt like I was giving the speech of my life. “I know I’ve really screwed up the past few years. Please know that you’re really great parents.”

My mother made the motion to move closer to me, but my father cut his eyes at her and she stayed put. He was fuming mad, and she knew how to pick her battles. She was sure to give him an earful later.

“It wasn’t so much that I chose to mess up,” I said. “It was more that I just didn’t care about anything.”

My father’s head sloped into his hands. I knew that would disappoint him most of all. The fact that I’d been handed opportunities and had squandered them. That’s not who he was or how he’d raised me. But sometimes you couldn’t be told something—you needed to be shown. By falling down on your own damn face and experiencing gut-wrenching emotions.

“I’ve finally figured out what I’m passionate about. What makes me truly feel alive. Happy,” I said, trying to meet my father’s gaze. “But I might need your help.”

The color had drained from my father’s face. He was on the verge of disowning me and I was asking for more help. Fuck.

“Only on the front end, as a loan,” I said. “I’ll pay back every cent.”

My father straightened up. That got his attention. I’d never had an actual proposal before.

“Go on,” he said, giving my mother a cursory glance. She seemed stunned into silence.

“I didn’t love living in Amsterdam,” I said. “But the experience did help me realize that I was good at something. Something I’d like to do as a career.”

“If this is about going on tour . . .” my father began, but this time Mom cut him off.

“Let him finish, echtgenoot.” That was the Dutch word for husband. But when my mother used it with my dad, it was as a term of endearment that meant something like my man, and he instantly softened.

“I . . .” I took a deep breath. “I want to start my own recording studio.”

Eyebrows raised, my father’s gaze flicked quickly to mine. My mother’s eyes were glassy and her hand tightened on my father’s shoulder.

“I’ve been told I’m a great sound man and, God, I . . . I love it.” The words rushed from my mouth, as emotions burst in my chest. “Taking a band’s music and creating . . . magic.”

My parents silently stared at me.

“I know you want me to finish school . . . and I can do that at the Music Conservatory here in town,” I said, to show them I’d done my research. “In the meantime, I want to start building my studio. I’ll need to rent a space and all the equipment. Johan even offered to spread the word with his American contacts.”

My dad no longer looked on the verge of rolling his eyes. He actually seemed impressed. “Where?”

“I scouted out a space in the Commons.” It was the same artsy part of town where Pure was located. “I made an appointment to see it in person.”

My father tapped his finger against his lips, as if thinking it through.

“I can still help around here if you need me,” I said. “You know, with your taste in music.”

My father cracked a smile. “Smartass.”

“Admit it, echtgenoot. You liked having your son around,” my mother said.

My father nodded. “Those acts you booked before you left town were impressive. Stuart said the crowd has changed a bit in the evenings. That’s a good thing.”

I smiled at the compliment, the tightness in my chest loosening.

“One more thing.” I shifted in my seat, feeling like I could finally breathe again. “I’d like to organize a benefit concert here for Micah.”

“Micah?” My father’s eyebrows bunched together.

“Sam’s grandson,” I said. I’d kept in contact with Micah while I was overseas. He’d download the links to cool music I’d text him. “They’re struggling with medical bills. I can bring in good acts and we could charge a cover—which would go directly to helping the family.”

In two strides my mother was in front of me and she threw her arms around me. “I’m so proud of you.”

My father came around his desk, and I stood to shake his hand. Then he gave me a few slaps on the back, which was his version of a hug. “Your mother and I will discuss what you’ve proposed. We’ll need to see some sort of a business plan.”

“Of course,” I said, backing away toward the door. I figured he’d treat this like a business proposition and I’d be ready for him. “I appreciate it, Dad.”

As I twisted the doorknob, I heard my mother’s voice. “Kai?”

I looked back at her. A sly smile draped her lips. “Are you gonna get the girl?”

I grinned. “I’m sure gonna try.”

Chapter Thirty-eight Rachel

I’d been moping around for days, and I needed to cut that shit out already. Maybe my texts with Kai needed to end, because I’d begun to hang on his every damn word.

Each time my phone vibrated with a new message, my heart would squeeze painfully, hoping there’d be something written there to give me a better clue as to how he was feeling. What he was thinking.

The other day I’d sent him the selfie of us from the summer concert. Our hair was stuck to our foreheads, our skin was damp, and our faces plastered with huge smiles. We looked so happy and carefree. I remembered how I’d felt that night—completely alive and positively on fire for him.

He texted back that he missed me and would always remember that night.

He hadn’t come right out and asked me about Andrew or about dating anybody else. So I never offered the information that, to my relief, Andrew had changed his mind about attending this university.

Kai had begun texting me at all hours and had even called me in the middle of the night last week. I thought maybe it was a drunk dial until I realized he was telling me about his long day. It felt so intimate lying in my bed and listening to his drowsy, sexy voice.

He also let it slip during that conversation that he hadn’t been with anybody else while we were together this past summer.

That had shocked the hell out of me. He’d only been with me, just like I’d only been with him. What did that mean?

“It means you made quite an impact on him, dickhead,” Avery said.

“Little that helps, with him being on the other side of the world,” I said.

“Why don’t you just ask him exactly what he’s feeling?” Ella said.

“No way,” I said. “Who knows how he’d respond. I don’t want to be crushed. Texting can kill, you know.”

Avery laughed. “That’s driving and texting, you ass.”

Avery, Ella, and I were in the campus coffee shop having lunch between classes. And they were giving off weird vibes, like they were about to have another heart-to-heart with me.

Since returning to campus, I’d had enough one-on-ones to last a lifetime. But I also felt closer to them than ever before and was thankful to have them in my life. Dakota was coming up for a visit next month, and I couldn’t wait to have all of my best girlfriends in one place.

I figured that would be the time to finally tell Dakota what had happened over the summer between Kai and me. I’d discussed it with Kai, and he said I didn’t have to keep the secret anymore if it made me more comfortable.

My phone vibrated with a text and my stomach instantly tightened.

Kai: Hey, Turtle. How are you?

Me: Good. Got some studying to do today. How about you?

Kai: Well . . . I’ve been thinking.

Me: About?

I wondered if he could feel the tension through the phone.

Kai: Remember when you told me about your crazy dreams the last time you were in the hospital? And you asked if I’d said some stuff to you?

Me: Yeah? I thought we’d determined that I was hallucinating.

My heart was straining against my rib cage.

Where was he going with this? C’mon, type faster.

Avery looked up from her book as I rapped my knuckles on the table. “Text from Lover Boy?”

She shot a look at Ella, who grinned.

“Who else?” I said, exasperated.

Kai: I wondered if you were remembering your hospital stay three years ago.

Grrr . . . he was so frustrating—just come out with it. But I suppose I wasn’t much better.

Me: Why would I?

My mind went through a series of memories as I waited on him.

Kai: Because we were alone a lot and I did . . . whisper to you.

My breath caught in the back of my throat. I practically choked on my own saliva. Avery and Ella looked at me cautiously, and I was about to tell them about my text conversation when my phone buzzed again.

Kai: Where are you right now?

Was he seriously about to change the fucking subject? This boy was giving me whiplash.

Me: Um, in the coffee shop on campus.

“What did he say?” Ella was acting as if she were bursting at the seams.

I was beyond distracted as I tried composing another text. “He . . . asked where I was.”

“You are so clueless lately, you know that?” Ella laughed.

I looked up at my friends. “Clueless how?”

Avery shot Ella a halting look and then shrugged. “You used to always have your Hot Boy radar on. But you don’t notice anything anymore.”

Just as I was about to argue that I was so over Hot Boys, especially Hot Jock Boys, my cell vibrated again.

Kai: Are you . . . alone?

Me: No, I’m with Avery and Ella. Why?

Kai: Look out the window. Across the street.

Chapter Thirty-nine Rachel

As my gaze jerked over to the large floor-to-ceiling window at the entrance of the shop, I gasped.

Kai was leaning against a pole in front of the health food store, and he literally stole my breath away. He was like my North Star. A brilliant, luminous, dazzling pinpoint of light.

He wore his trademark black skinny jeans, Vans checkerboard sneakers, and a cocky grin. His hand was fisted in his pocket, one ankle crossed over the other, and he couldn’t have looked more stunning if he tried.

My brain could not compute his being outside due to the lack of oxygen. Kai wasn’t in Amsterdam?

“Get out there, asshead,” Avery hissed.

I jolted out of my seat and practically sprinted to the door, lest he be a fucking perfect apparition. Weaving in and out of traffic, I crossed the street in a stupor.

As soon as I reached him, I threw my arms around him, overcome with emotion. He pulled me into his chest before picking me up and spinning me around.

He smelled so good and having his arms around me felt amazing.

“What are you doing here?” I said into his neck, trying like hell not to let go. “Why didn’t you tell me you were home for a visit?”

“I wanted it be a surprise.” He set me down but kept his gaze fixed on me. “I needed to say some things to you in person.”

I felt so woozy, my knees almost gave out. I held on to his arm to balance myself. “What kind of things?”

“Let’s walk.” He stuck out his hand and I took it willingly. We began trudging past the storefronts, away from the crowd.

“I just . . .” He gripped my fingers. “I don’t want be numb anymore, Rachel.”

I looked up at him. “Numb?”

“While I was in Amsterdam, I finally realized what I want to do with my life.”

Near the corner of Blossom Street, I turned to him. “You did?”

“I want to open my own recording studio,” he said. “Here in the States. Actually, I’m looking at a location close to Pure.”

“Whoa, seriously?” I pushed his shoulder playfully, even though my insides were twisting into a tornado of feelings. “That’s amazing.”

“Thanks,” he said, grinning.

“So are you saying . . . ?” I bit my lip, almost afraid of the answer. “You’re, like, home for good?”

“Yep,” he said. “I even talked to my parents about it.”

“So crazy. Crazy good.” I ran my fingers through my hair in an effort to keep them from shaking. “So that’s why you came here—to tell me that news in person?”

“Yeah,” he said, his eyes shifting all around my face. “And some other stuff.”

He began walking again at a faster pace, and I struggled to keep up. He seemed to be in turmoil about something.

“Kai, hold up.” I gripped his arm so that he’d reduce his speed. “What’s wrong?”

Slowing his stride, he kept his focus on some fixed point ahead. “I remembered there was this time in the hospital, when you’d just gotten through a brutal therapy session.”

He roughly shoved his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. “They were working your legs pretty hard. You were so exhausted and I was trying to cheer you on.”

I attempted to keep up with his train of thought. He seemed to be all over the map today. “That was the day they put you at the end of that run. As motivation for me—to reach you.”

I remembered his voice in my head. C’mon Turtle, you can do it.

“Exactly,” he said, huffing out a shaky breath. “You were inching closer and you had the most stunning smile on your face. You were so happy that you were actually walking without a cane.”

I nodded, remembering that feeling. It had to be one of the greatest moments of my entire life.

“Right in that instant—the second before you reached me?” His voice faltered on the last word. “That’s when I knew.”

I stopped abruptly, my body swinging around toward him. “Knew what?”

His eyes fastened on mine, his voice a hoarse whisper. “That I’d fallen for you.”

I inhaled sharply though my nose.

I’m falling for you, Rachel. And I don’t know how to stop.

My brain was a blur of memories and feelings all jumbled together. He was talking about our past, not our present. “Three years ago?”

“I mean, I ignored it. Thought it was just some crazy crush,” he said, his hands bunching into fists. “But then this summer . . . things started happening between us and . . . all of those feelings came rushing back.”

My chest was heaving, my breaths were fluttery as I tried making sense of his words. That he’d fallen for me back then . . . and he still felt that way now.

“I can’t get you out of my head.” His breaths were broken. “I . . . never could.”

I squeezed my eyes shut. All of these emotions were bombarding me at once. I wanted to reach out to him, to tell him I felt the same.

But a part of me wanted to leave, if only to have the chance to think it all through. To get my heart and my head back in some semblance of order.

“Look at me, Rachel.” Kai gathered my face in his hands, and I whimpered at the feel of his rough calluses against my skin. “I want to be with you.”

Kai’s eyes turned dark—so dark—as they pooled with emotion. “I want to take care of you, spend as much time as I can with you.”

My heart ballooned painfully, threatening to burst out of my chest and float away.

His thumbs brushed lightly against my cheeks. “I’m so fucking in love with you.”

My throat jammed with emotion, as tears spilled over my cheeks in waves. His lips parted as he searched my eyes deeply.

But I couldn’t stop the onslaught of overwhelming sensations. I’d spent weeks—months—doubting, pining, and aching for this beautiful boy standing in front of me. It had culminated in this one moment, and my body responded by shedding more tears.

“Hey . . .” He pulled me into his chest. “I . . . fuck, Rachel. I have no idea why you’re crying.”

He continued to soothe me, his voice cracking on the words. “It’s . . . it’ll be okay . . . if you don’t feel the same way. I just . . . I needed you to know.”

I grabbed fistfuls of his shirt in an effort to tug him nearer. I tilted my head to brush my lips against his neck.

A guttural sound surged from deep inside his chest. Like a quiet roar of yearning and desperation.

I kissed his throat, tasting my own salty tears, and then slid my lips to his ear. “I’m madly in love with you, too, Kai.”

He sucked in a harsh breath, his eyelids shutting. I watched his nostrils flare and his brow smooth out, as he gathered his storm of emotions. When he opened his eyes, I saw so much longing reflected in them.

We stood motionless in the center of the sidewalk, gazing at each other. As if we were discovering each other all over again.

He grasped my fingers and yanked me into the nearest alleyway between two stores. A banner hung on a line, strung between two windows, and he ducked beneath it, pulling me with him. He turned suddenly and pinned me against the brick wall.

Then his head swung down, his lips delicately hovering near mine.

And it was the most delicious torment. Exhilarating and excruciating all at once.

To wait for the love of your life to kiss you.

“This is just a sample of what I want to do to you when I finally get you alone,” he growled. Our bodies aligned, and his heat and scent wrapped all around me. I felt the hard planes of his muscles pulsing against me. “I’m going to taste every fucking inch of your body.”

My dirty talker was back. And I thrilled to the sound of his voice.

“God, Kai,” I breathed out. “I missed you so much.”

My fingers clutched his hair, and I tried yanking his head down, frantic for our lips to meet. But he resisted, making me wait. My gaze was trained on his mouth, and it was agonizing to watch his tongue dart out to wet his lips.

His gaze seared into mine, penetrating and full. Searching, reaching, grasping for something.

“But I can’t share you, Rachel.” He firmly cupped my chin. “I won’t fucking share you with anybody.”

My heart lurched to my throat, making it hard to swallow. Let alone breathe. “I . . . I won’t share you, either.”

He clenched my hand and then placed my palm flat against his chest. I could feel the unrelenting rhythm of his heart. “You’ve never shared me, Rachel.”

The words tumbled from his lips like a prayer. And the back of my eyes burned with unshed tears.

He leaned forward, his gaze scorching and his voice husky. “I’ve always been yours.”

His tongue flicked out to taste my lips. “Only yours.”

I moaned at the very sensation I’d been craving for days on end.

His fingers gripped my neck, and his thumb brushed over the hollow of my throat.

My head fell back in a whimper, my entire body thrumming from head to toe.

I was desperate for him. Desperate to experience every single part of him.

He nipped at my bottom lip, and I opened my mouth to allow him entrance.

Into my heart. Into my world. Into my soul.

Content

Whisper to Me
Between Breaths - 3
Christina Lee

Chapter One Rachel

Chapter Two Kai

Chapter Three Rachel

Chapter Four Kai

Chapter Five Rachel

Chapter Six Kai

Chapter Seven Rachel

Chapter Eight Kai

Chapter Nine Kai

Chapter Ten Rachel

Chapter Eleven Kai

Chapter Twelve Kai

Chapter Thirteen Rachel

Chapter Fourteen Kai

Chapter Fifteen Rachel

Chapter Sixteen Kai

Chapter Seventeen Kai

Chapter Eighteen Rachel

Chapter Nineteen Kai

Chapter Twenty Rachel

Chapter Twenty-one Kai

Chapter Twenty-two Rachel

Chapter Twenty-three Rachel

Chapter Twenty-four Kai

Chapter Twenty-five Kai

Chapter Twenty-six Rachel

Chapter Twenty-seven Rachel

Chapter Twenty-eight Kai

Chapter Twenty-nine Kai

Chapter Thirty Rachel

Chapter Thirty-one Kai

Chapter Thirty-two Kai

Chapter Thirty-three Rachel

Chapter Thirty-four Kai

Chapter Thirty-five Kai

Chapter Thirty-six Rachel

Chapter Thirty-seven Kai

Chapter Thirty-eight Rachel

Chapter Thirty-nine Rachel