Aharon Appelfeld

Suddenly, Love

1

ERNST TURNED SEVENTY, AND FOR HIS BIRTHDAY IRENA baked a cheesecake and decorated it with strawberries.

“Happy birthday,” she says and places the cake on the table.

“At my age, one no longer celebrates,” says Ernst without looking at her.

“That’s not true,” Irena replies, frightened by the words as they emerge from her mouth.

Irena has been working in Ernst’s house for two years, since his operation. She arrives every day at eight and leaves at three. Some days she stays longer. They speak little, but sometimes Ernst surprises Irena with a question, or an idea that is preoccupying him.

“Why did you think of baking a cake for me?” he asks without raising his eyes.

“I thought it would make you happy.” She answers in a full sentence.

“Me?”

“Cheesecake always makes people happy,” Irena says and is pleased with her reply.

“I enjoy a good cake,” Ernst says, “but it doesn’t make me happy.”

Irena doesn’t understand the difference and doesn’t answer.

“At my age happiness is tiring,” he adds.

A year earlier Ernst was still reserved with Irena, but her diligence and devotion won his heart. Now he leans forward to listen when she offers advice about the house or tells him about something she found interesting. But Irena speaks little. The few words that leave her mouth during the day are measured. She knows that Ernst doesn’t like to chat or tell jokes. He is pleased when she takes a hint or guesses instead of asking him straight out. Ernst constantly surprises Irena. Yesterday he told her, “I wouldn’t have wanted to live a different life.” For a moment she was perplexed. His life hasn’t been a bed of roses.

Irena sits in a corner without looking at Ernst. She likes to serve him food and wait for his reaction, but she is careful not to disturb his thoughts. Sometimes he sinks so much into himself that he forgets to eat. Ernst speaks to Irena in German, now and then with a Yiddish word and sometimes also a sentence in Hebrew. He says that his memory has weakened since the operation. Irena doesn’t notice that. The words that come from his mouth are clear, and she understands his requests without any explanation. She has noticed: Ernst seldom describes things, but sometimes he says something so fresh that it’s like a pear that was just peeled and placed on a plate. He also has little customs that she likes: putting on a hat before leaving the house, bowing when she hands him his walking stick.

“I never imagined I’d reach the age of seventy,” Ernst says, as though to himself.

“Thank God,” Irena cries out.

Ernst doesn’t like this display of religiosity, but he makes no comment.

“Seventy is a fine age,” she adds.

“It’s no different from any other age: you’re just weaker, and your memory betrays you more frequently.”

Irena doesn’t agree with him. Ernst is alert. He reads and writes. When he goes for a walk, his posture is erect and his bearing stands out.

“You say that seventy is a fine age.”

“Am I mistaken?” She responds immediately.

“Of course you’re mistaken.”

By now Irena knows that the word “mistaken” doesn’t always indicate disagreement. Sometimes it implies unspoken agreement with slight provocation.

The day is nearly over. Irena has tidied the kitchen and set the table for supper. She puts on her coat and wishes Ernst a good night.

The way home is not long. Irena lives in the Old Katamon neighborhood of Jerusalem, a twenty-minute walk from Ernst’s house. Not long ago, her life had been scattered, her days vexed and pointless. She used to stand in the street and wonder whether to take a long walk or return home. Now she walks slowly, a bit tired, but full of words and the sounds of words that she had absorbed during the day.

Irena’s apartment has three rooms, and a kitchen and a balcony. Here she grew up, and here her parents died. After their death she preserved their memory with little ceremonies she invented. Since she started working for Ernst, Irena has done less of that, but she still goes to the cemetery on their birthdays and on the anniversaries of their deaths. On the Sabbath and holidays she arranges the house exactly the way her mother did. But most of her thoughts are now devoted to Ernst. Sometimes, when her fears get the better of her, she goes back to visit him in the evening. She serves him a cup of tea or peels an apple for him. Since she started working for Ernst, Irena has stopped going downtown, and she doesn’t even go out for short strolls.

2

“YOU WERE BORN IN ISRAEL, ISN’T THAT RIGHT?” ERNST surprises her again the next day.

“No. I was born in a displaced persons’ camp near Frankfurt.”

“I was sure, for some reason, you were born in Israel.”

“I don’t remember anything about it,” Irena says, and immediately regrets it. Her parents had nurtured the memory of that camp to the point where sometimes it seemed to her that she remembered the smallest details. Her parents had met there. Her mother had become pregnant and only in the sixth month of her pregnancy had they been married, by an American army rabbi. Her mother had told her this at the end of her life. In any event, that DP camp near Frankfurt had been impressed in Irena’s memory, and sometimes she dreamed about it. Sorry, I do remember. She is about to take back her words, but she immediately sees that this would be foolish.

Ernst is in a good mood this morning. He reads the newspaper and jokes about a political hack who is pretending to be an honest man. “Just like before the war. They say that life doesn’t repeat itself. That’s a mistake. It does repeat itself.” Ernst reads newspapers and is well informed about events in the country. Five years earlier he divorced Sylvia, his second wife, and quit his job. About Sylvia, who immigrated to Vienna, he speaks little, just a scornful remark here and there.

Irena doesn’t ask, but the bits that she catches during the day seep into her soul. Ernst’s few words sometimes are scalpel-sharp. At first she thought he was a lawyer. His acuity frightened her. But now she knows that it was the discipline of the last few years. He writes for three hours in the morning and for two or three hours in the evening. And he takes two strolls, one in the morning to the café and another at night, which he calls the “march.” That discipline, or whatever you might call it, imbues his behavior with sharpness and sometimes impatience. But it isn’t directed at her.

At nine every morning Ernst goes out to the café and sits there for an hour and a half, or sometimes two hours. Most of the customers are strangers to him, but he doesn’t feel isolated. Since Irena’s arrival, Ernst’s life has changed. She takes care of everything. The kitchen, where confusion always ruled, is tidy and gleaming. The living room is bright, and even the bookcase, his most intimate domain, is different from what it was. Ernst likes to sit at home, and when he goes out, he yearns to return.

When Ernst saw Irena for the first time, to tell the truth, she didn’t please him: she was short and barely uttered a word. But before long he began to find her ways pleasant; her face was bright, and even her stammering had some charm. Since her arrival, Ernst has been rising early, shaving, and sitting at his desk. Irena arrives exactly at eight and prepares breakfast for him, everything in measured portions and at the right temperature. More than once he has suggested that she join him, but she always refuses. Only after he has left the house does she make a cup of coffee for herself.

Until she began to work for Ernst, Irena’s whole life had been her parents. Her father was an electrician, and her mother stayed at home and kept house. Several times she had wanted to leave her parents’ home, but in the end she hadn’t. Her short stature and her shyness had kept her back. Irena’s mother had poured all the love she had into Irena’s heart. Later, after she died, Irena’s father had been like a mother to her as well. When he died, Irena stayed at home and cherished their memory. On Sabbaths and holidays she would set the table and light the candles, sit in her place, and imagine they were at her side. She made no changes in the house. What had been permanent became more permanent.

After her parents’ death, Irena worked in an old age home for a while. The old people were fond of her and gave her nicknames. But some of the old women tormented her, called her “tight-lipped,” and cursed her. One time an old woman threw a plate at her, and Irena decided to leave.

Fortunately for her, she didn’t need that job. Along with the apartment, her parents had left her their savings and the reparations they had received from Germany. In fact, she could have gotten by without working, but her imagination preyed on her, made her head spin, and finally drove her out of the house.

Years earlier her parents had tried to find a husband for her. They were men much older than she, short and crammed with urges. Irena had been so embarrassed she hadn’t even raised her head. At last they stopped pestering her. After her parents’ death, a man began to accost her, making advances every time she entered her building and went upstairs. One time he attacked her at the door to her apartment and pulled up her dress. She struggled with him and escaped into her apartment. For a long time she didn’t leave home.

So the years passed. Irena tidied the apartment just as her parents had done while they were alive. The thought that she was guarding their home, the kitchen and its utensils, the living room, the wide bed in her parents’ bedroom, her bedroom — this gave her strength. Not only would she envision her parents here, she would also sail away to their village in Galicia.

Once Irena’s mother came to her in a dream. Her advice was the same as when she was alive: You have to get out of the house, dear. You’re still young. Your life is before you. If not now, when? Irena wanted to tell her about the frightening man who had attacked her, but when she saw her mother’s face, the words stuck in her mouth. When Irena awoke the next morning, she was sorry that her mother hadn’t noticed that the apartment was tidy, just the way she had left it. In great pain, she wept.

Irena sat at home most of the time, as though it weren’t an apartment but a house of prayer, where one changes nothing and only preserves what is already there. With great caution she even shuttered the windows so the sun wouldn’t damage the furniture. The thin darkness in the summer was pleasant. In the winter she raised the shutters, but never the way her mother had done. Her mother used to open the windows every morning energetically. Irena hadn’t inherited that vigor from her.

3

AT TWELVE-THIRTY ERNST RETURNS FROM HIS JOURNEY, bringing with him everything he has collected in the café and on the street. His step is heavy, and his face is filled with concentration. He ought to sit at his desk and write down his thoughts. But he is too excited; he prefers to sit in the armchair and wait for Irena to announce that lunch is ready.

Ernst’s return today is different. He has brought a letter with him and immediately announces, “My ex-wife wrote to me. What did she write?” In his voice there is a mixture of faultfinding and contempt. He lays the letter on the table without opening it. Ernst has many ways of expressing reservations. Placing a letter on his desk without opening it is one of them. “My ex-wife wrote to me,” he repeats, knowing there would be no response to his words.

Irena has noticed: there is no trace of that wife in the house, but the memory of his first wife is evident in several places. A family photograph stands on the cupboard: Ernst in shorts, his wife hugging a baby. Irena occasionally studies the photograph. Sometimes it seems to her that she met them years ago. Once she dreamed that Ernst’s wife and daughter came to visit him, and she made a festive meal for them.

Ernst has finished his meal and is sitting in the armchair. At this hour he likes to read magazines or doze off. Irena restricts her activity so as not to make noise. When Ernst is asleep, his face is young and his forehead shines.

“It’s three-thirty, and you’re still working.” Ernst has awakened from his nap.

Irena thinks that she is disturbing him. She immediately puts the laundry in the wicker basket without folding it and heads for the door.

“Will you have a cup of tea?” he asks, turning to her.

“I’ll have one at home,” she says and slips out of the house.

The letter from Sylvia has upset Ernst. They were married for five years, but their life together wasn’t happy. She was an opinionated woman, a former Communist, who expressed her views vehemently. Her ideas weren’t unreasonable, but the way she presented them made him furious. To shield himself from the torrent of her words, Ernst would lower his head or hide his face in his hands, but to no avail. She persisted. The house wasn’t a home. He prepared the meals himself. Her attitude toward his work was even more scandalous: in her heart she was contemptuous of him because, as she said, one shouldn’t write for the drawer. If you can’t publish, don’t write. Every statement of hers, every gesture, drove Ernst out of his mind.

Sylvia was a handsome woman, but her opinions belied her beauty. They strove only for the utilitarian. Something that brought no benefit should by rights not exist. She had spent the war years in Siberia, absorbing the cold and the contempt for Jews there, and when she reached Israel, nothing pleased her, neither the place nor the people. The years after their separation was a time of bitter spiritual accounting for Ernst.

Irena makes her way home slowly, almost without thinking. She doesn’t usually mull over her thoughts. If she happens on an interesting sight, she contemplates it and stores it up in her heart. Often the sight is revealed to her again in a dream. Sometimes a word gets stuck in her mind, plays there for a moment, and then disappears, going back to where it came from. But now the image of Ernst’s return from his walk reappears to her — the way he entered the house and laid the letter on his desk. His face had narrowed, as though he had been gripped once again by sounds that had previously let him go. When he sat in the armchair, his lips were twisted in disappointment.

Then a vision of tall, cold Sylvia accosts her as well. That woman, who in the past lost no opportunity to weaken Ernst, is trying to inject him with her venom now, too, from a distance, by means of letters. Serpent, Irena is about to call out, but since she has never used that word, it is stuck in her mouth.

Irena returns home as the last splinters of light are filtering through the slits in the shutters, and she immediately begins to arrange her parents’ armoire. The clothes are folded the way they always have been. She carefully removes them, shakes them out, and then puts them back. Irena does this once a month, so she can be involved in the silent life of the garments. The clothes have lost their odor but not their form. As Irena stands by the armoire, her mother sometimes appears and urges her to go out to a club and pass the time with friends. Nothing comes of all that urging. Irena used to go to the movies with her father and sometimes with her mother. Her father was a good-looking man, and she enjoyed going out with him.

After rearranging the shelves, Irena opens the package of pictures. Most of them are from her parents’ house back in Zalachov. They didn’t take many pictures in Israel. Irena knows the pictures very well, but still a small discovery awaits her: her young mother being hugged by two tall fellows. On the back of the picture is written: “The Nest of Hashomer Hatsa’ir in Zalachov.” Once Ernst had asked her something about her parents. She was alarmed and said, “They’re always with me.”

“How?” he wondered.

“I changed nothing in the house.”

“Everything is as it was?”

“Just as it was.”

That gave him pause for a moment, but he didn’t ask anything else.

4

IT RAINED DURING THE NIGHT, AND ERNST’S SPIRITS have sunk. It’s hard to know why. Apparently, he wrote for many hours yesterday. He writes and crosses out, and in the end he rips up the paper and throws it in the wastebasket. Irena serves him breakfast, and he sits and eats. Irena has noticed that over the past few weeks Ernst has been struggling with gloom. Going out to the café in the morning is one of his strategies for deceiving his stubborn enemy.

Writing is Ernst’s secret domain. He says nothing about it, and Irena doesn’t ask. But she senses that it’s a harsh arena of struggle. More than once she has found him in the morning exhausted at his desk. But during the day as well, when he has withdrawn into his corner, his concentration is evident, as though he were trying to whet a sword that refuses to be sharpened. Sometimes it seems to her that he is contending with tiny demons who vex him. Sometimes, when she comes to visit in the evening, they slip away like evil mice.

Ernst has indeed gone out to the café, and when he returns, the somberness has been erased from his brow. On the way home he had met one of his acquaintances, a man much younger than he, who told him that in the brokerage house where Ernst had formerly worked, everything was as it had been. A few people had retired, but most of them were working in the same offices. The thought that he had spent twenty years of his life there saddened him for a moment, but happiness that he wasn’t still there overcame the sadness.

“I’m free,” Ernst calls out when he returns home.

Irena doesn’t understand the meaning of his happiness and asks, “What happened?”

“I no longer work for Manfeld Associates, Brokers, Ltd. I work in my own company. My company may not be splendid, and it doesn’t make huge promises, but it’s mine, right?”

Irena is pleased that the depression has loosened its grip on him.

In the afternoon, Ernst sits in the armchair and reads with concentration. As Irena is about to leave the apartment, he asks for a glass of cognac. She pours it for him, and Ernst downs it in a single gulp. Since she started serving him cognac, Irena has learned to appreciate this fiery liquor. Sometimes, when she gets home, she pours a glass for herself. At first it made her head spin, but now it opens her eyes, her imagination leaves its den, and she sits at the table and visualizes what happened to her during the day.

After she has had a drink, Irena’s father and mother sometimes appear and sit next to her. She tells them about Ernst, and they listen without commenting or expressing an opinion. Since she started working for Ernst, she has noticed, they don’t offer her advice. They just listen and appear to be content with what she tells them.

A year ago, on a rainy evening, Irena went to visit Ernst and found him drunk. He mixed up his languages and called her Ida. Irena was alarmed, and in her panic she said, “What have you done?” as though he weren’t Ernst, but a delinquent boy. Her strange way of speaking to him made him laugh, and he said, “What did I do? I’ve done a lot. I wrote three books and ripped them up. Isn’t that a lot? I saved the world from three bad books.”

“Forgive me,” said Irena, withdrawing.

“What are you apologizing for?” He gave her a severe look.

“Forgive me,” she repeated.

“My dear, you’re not to blame for anything. All the blame is on me,” he said, striking his chest.

Since that confused encounter, every time she has a drink, she remembers Ernst’s rumpled face. Fear that he’ll get drunk and fall down grips her. Sometimes when she finds him hung over, he confesses, “I had too much to drink last night. What can I do? I wanted to rise above it, but I couldn’t.”

Once a month, if his health allows it, Ernst goes to Tel Aviv, stays there for a few hours, and then returns. At first Irena suspected that he had a woman there. Some time ago she found out that he really does go there to see a woman. Her name is Toni. They studied together in high school, and she has been confined to a wheelchair for years.

“Toni wrote an important book,” Ernst told her.

“About what?” The words slipped out of her mouth.

“About German romanticism.”

Abstract matters are far from Irena’s mental grasp. Sometimes a guest comes to the house and speaks to Ernst in a language Irena cannot understand. At such times she realizes that there are areas in Ernst’s life to which she has no access. Still, she catches a few things. From one of the conversations she learned that Ernst had taken his first steps as a writer in Czernowitz, the city where he was born. He had published some poems in German there. He mentions them sometimes, but he’s not proud of them. “The sins of my youth,” he says.

After the war there were years of roving, of journeying from country to country; finally he dropped anchor in Jerusalem. For years he has tried to call up his life from within him, but it turned out that telling the story is no simple matter. Sometimes the “what” is an obstacle, and sometimes it’s the “how.” Usually both of them block him at the same time. But there are days when the writing flows, when words join together with words, expressions to expressions, and in the end a passage acceptable to his heart glows on the page. That is a miracle, and such miracles don’t happen every day.

5

WINTER IS MAKING ITS PRESENCE FELT. THE BOOK ERNST wants to write keeps getting more complicated. He mercilessly uproots words, expressions, and descriptions, but still the pages aren’t free of weeds. Every night there is a new disappointment. Ernst knows that no one will read his book; if he sends the manuscript to a publisher, they will return it. But he continues working and takes care with every word and expression. The years have not softened his self-criticism. Sometimes a faulty word will keep him awake all night. The old, tame words are his enemies, and he desperately battles against them.

After a night of struggle Ernst’s depression intensifies, and his words almost cease.

“What should I make, a cheesecake or an apple pie?” Irena asks, trying to change his mood.

“It doesn’t matter.”

When Ernst says, “It doesn’t matter,” that’s a sign that his appetite has diminished and depression is overwhelming him. This makes Irena spring into action. She doesn’t rest for a moment. She cooks; she tries new recipes. Maybe he’ll find one of her dishes tasty.

One day he said to her, “Last night I dreamed about my hometown.”

“Were you happy?”

“It was my city, but everything in it was arranged differently. The houses on Herrengasse had moved over to Siebenbirgerstrasse. The public garden was shifted over to the city hall plaza. I said to myself, everything can be put back in place, but I immediately understood that what had been uprooted couldn’t be restored.”

Irena had often heard Ernst speak about his hometown, but never with longing or with nostalgia. Her parents used to talk about Zalachov with hidden love, but every time Czernowitz was mentioned, Ernst’s face filled with sorrow, as though it was a secret that refused to be erased.

For years Ernst had tried to write, but every time he sat at his desk, some obstacle would get between him and the letters. They estranged themselves from him, but he didn’t give up. Even in his darkest moments he would write sentences and half sentences on slips of paper. He collected the slips of paper in a bag. Every now and then he would pick up the bag and take out a slip of paper. The notes were snippets of self-mockery, reproaches for weakness, notions about blindness, and false beliefs. But not a single word about his parents or about the grandparents who had enveloped his childhood and youth.

Ernst would wait for the new words to come to him at night, and as though in spite, they wouldn’t. If they did appear and he was ready for them, his job in the investment company used up his hours. His wife wickedly declared: A person shouldn’t write for the drawer. If you don’t publish, you’d be better off stopping.

The phone rings. Sylvia is calling. Irena approaches Ernst and whispers in his ear.

“I don’t want to talk to her,” he grumbles.

“Ernst can’t come to the phone.” Irena tries to be tactful.

“Did you tell him who was calling?”

“I did.”

“Tell him that he’s bad.”

Of course she doesn’t tell him that.

“I don’t want to see her,” Ernst says. “If she comes here, don’t let her in.”

Irena is pleased with Ernst’s vigorous response. For a moment she thinks that the evil spirits that have assailed him for the past few days have receded. Indeed, they have, but not his backache. Irena keeps rubbing salve on his back. The salve relieves the pain, and he gets out of bed and sits at his desk.

Since the beginning of winter, Irena’s own life has meant nothing: all her thoughts have been devoted to Ernst. Even when she is at home, surrounded by the objects she has lived with since her childhood, she thinks about him. Sometimes she telephones Ernst from home to ask whether the supper was tasty and whether she should bring him anything besides some rolls in the morning. If he asked her, she would have stayed in his house at night, too. Irena knows there are times when Ernst has to be by himself, to write and struggle. Though the struggle weakens him and usually depresses him, in the end it gives him the will to live. One morning he said to her, “Last night I wrote a chapter that I’m pleased with.” His face was drained, but there was a flash of victory in his eye.

Ernst is tall and robust, and his struggle to write is also robust. Irena envisions this struggle as the bending of iron bars. But when he is calm, sitting in the armchair and looking through a magazine, she wants to kneel at his feet, cover his hand with both of hers, and say, I’m so pleased that you allow me to serve you.

Once he commented to her: “You’re not a servant.”

“You don’t let me serve you,” she said with distress.

“We are friends, and friends don’t serve each other,” he replied.

Irena thought so much about those words that she began to think he was mocking her.

6

QUIET DAYS FOLLOW. EVERY MORNING ERNST GOES OUT to the café. Irena does the housework diligently, without undue haste, as though directed by an inner guide. At first Ernst thought that she didn’t talk because she lacked the words. He knew that Irena had left school after the tenth grade. She helped her mother in the house, and when she turned eighteen she enrolled in a school for practical nurses. But he soon realized he was mistaken. True, Irena doesn’t speak much, but the little that leaves her mouth is drawn from deep within her. Her words are well chosen and have an inner charm. Ernst has also noticed: she moves swiftly, but without nervousness or unrest. She takes care of things with caution, but not in weakness.

“Were your parents observant?” he once asked, as though incidentally.

“Yes,” she said, surprised by the question that landed upon her.

“And you’re observant, too?”

“I do what my mother did,” she said simply.

Ernst wanted to keep questioning her, but seeing her embarrassment, he stopped. Yet he couldn’t restrain himself and a bit later asked, “Were your parents always observant?”

“In their youth, they were in the Hashomer Hatsa’ir youth movement,” she said, blushing.

“When did they go back to a traditional lifestyle?”

“After the war.”

Strange, Ernst said to himself, specifically after the war.

Only that night, after having had a drink, did Ernst grasp that his questions had been invasive and coarse. Irena had answered because he was her employer, but even an employer has to be polite. If it hadn’t been so late, he would have telephoned her to apologize.

“Forgive me,” he said as soon as she arrived the next morning.

“For what?”

“For my questions.”

“I wasn’t insulted.”

“But I insulted myself with my behavior.”

Irena doesn’t keep all the commandments, just the ones that her mother observed. On Friday evening she lays two loaves of challah on the table and lights the Sabbath candles. The sight of the candles stirs her memory, and she sees not only her mother but also her grandfather and grandmother, whom she knew only through photographs. On Yom Kippur she fasts, but she doesn’t go to synagogue.

She doesn’t say the Grace After Meals, but she will say the appropriate blessing when she eats a fruit for the first time each year. Right after Yom Kippur her father would put up a sukkah on the balcony. Since her parents died, she has not had a sukkah, but on Sukkot her thoughts dwell on the sukkah that her father used to build.

Since childhood Irena has had the ability to imagine things from afar, to describe places and people even though she had never seen them. Her mother had been frightened by that ability, and she used to say to her, “You mustn’t imagine things. People who imagine things end up being liars.” When, for example, Irena said, “I see Grandpa,” her mother would interrupt her and say, “You can’t see him. You’re just imagining that you do. The Germans murdered Grandpa.” Those comments did hamper her imagination, but since she started to work for Ernst, Irena has regained her ability. When she sits at home now, she sees her grandfather and grandmother as they were before the war, before they were murdered.

Ernst has recently begun to contemplate Irena from different perspectives. She’s a woman like any other, but different nonetheless. The difference isn’t evident. Sometimes she seems like a woman who knows how to listen, but mostly she is reserved. Sometimes he discovers a smile in her, as though she were embracing a secret. Sometimes she says, “Thank God.” When she does so, Ernst wants to say, It’s not proper to proclaim your faith in public. Faith must be hidden. Of course he doesn’t say it. But once, in a moment of deep gloom, he couldn’t restrain himself.

“Why do you say ‘thank God?’ ” he asked. “Not everything he does, if he does anything, is worthy of thanks. You mustn’t justify his cruel acts. Say thanks for what’s good and beautiful, but not for what’s ugly and filthy.”

Irena was alarmed and left the room.

When depression seizes Ernst, he mainly keeps silent. But sometimes he’s flooded with speech and talks vehemently about ugliness and cruelty, which blacken the heavens and sow despair. Irena knows that his words are not directed at her, but she does feel that a bit of it is, and she is filled with both sorrow and guilt.

In the depths of her heart, Irena loves Ernst’s rage. Rage adds to the strength of his face. “In my youth love was uprooted from within me!” he once cried out. Irena didn’t understand what he meant, and of course she didn’t ask. But at home one night, her heart opened and she said, I’ll give you all the love that I’ve gathered up.

7

IT’S STRANGE, BUT ERNST HARDLY EVER ENVISIONS HIS parents. For seventeen years he lived in their company, but now their features are faded and blurred. They were withdrawn people who hardly ever spoke. Sometimes his father would erupt, and his mother would rush to do his bidding. Ernst suffered from their silence. It appeared to be repressed anger, and sometimes like a sunset in thick darkness. They left for their grocery store early in the morning and returned home after dark. They were more relaxed in the store than they were at home.

When Ernst began to go to school, the barrier between him and his parents appeared to grow higher. His mother took care of buying notebooks and textbooks and other necessary supplies, but she hardly spoke to him. When he turned nine, he sank deeper and deeper into his books. He was so immersed that nothing around him touched him. He read in German, Romanian, and later in French. His love of languages and literature was boundless.

The teachers liked him; his fellow students, less so. They knew in their hearts that no matter how hard they tried, he would outdo them. If the teacher asked for a German synonym, he would immediately offer three or four. His French pronunciation was precise. His parents were proud of his report cards, but they didn’t know how to express their pride. They were too deeply withdrawn into their silence, as if their tongues were tied up in their mouths.

At home they retained a bit of the tradition, but it was without life, without joy. Every Sabbath eve his mother would clean and straighten up the house, and for the holidays the cleaning was more thorough. But these were preparations for a day that they didn’t know what to do with. Ernst’s father would lie on the sofa and read the newspaper. Sometimes he would go to the synagogue and drag Ernst along with him. Upon their return, his mother’s silence would greet them.

To tell the truth, during those years Ernst hadn’t needed his parents at all. Books were his good friends. To open a book and sink into the yellowing pages, to meld into the flow of the plot — that was his life. Sometimes his mother would rouse from her silence and ask, “What are you reading?” It was an idle question, and Ernst wouldn’t bother to answer.

In other houses that he happened to visit, people talked, quarreled, and even shouted. In his house everything was frozen in place. One time his father abandoned his muteness, turned to Ernst, and asked, “Are you studying history?” Ernst was stunned at being addressed. But he recovered and replied, “Certainly, the French Revolution.”

“In the village, we didn’t study history,” said his father, smiling sadly. The grocery store ate up his inner life. It was evident in his hands, in the way he would lay them on the table, or in the way he sat in a chair. Usually he slept on the sofa. That was his place when he returned from the store, and on the Sabbath and holidays. This passivity used to drive Ernst out of his mind. More than once he wanted to stand up and shout, Everything is stifling here!

Ernst felt like a guest in the house, and nothing around him seemed to belong to him. Were it not for the public library and the books he consumed, his life at home would have been a barren desert. He drew his happiness from school. In the race for achievement, he always came in first. His accomplishments provoked wonder, admiration, and of course envy. As early as ninth grade Ernst developed a kind of arrogance. He never expressed his feelings openly, but his behavior proclaimed it: Don’t try to catch up with me; I’m already at the top. In time he brought that pride home. Home was not only darkness and mildew; it was also full of passive ignorance. Sometimes he would erupt, as though to remove a burden from his shoulders, but that was like tramping through stagnant water.

Ernst’s parents demanded nothing of him. On the contrary, it was as if they said, You’re doing too much. Why don’t you sit with us and be quiet. Too much effort is harmful to your health. Though this was never actually stated, it would exasperate him.

Only later on and far from home did Ernst understand that being uprooted from their home in the Carpathian Mountains and settling in the city had made his parents into mute creatures. If anything brought a small suggestion of pleasure to their faces, it was the memory of their parents’ homes in the mountains. Mainly they were sunk in stagnation, and more than once Ernst felt that they were dragging him down with them into an abyss. He would escape from the house and sit in the yard, but the stifling feeling didn’t leave him in the yard, either. He would go as far as the river. Only playing soccer on the riverbank would calm his spirit.

“Ernst!” His father would sometimes emerge from his torpor and address him. Ernst would flinch, pull back a bit, and say, “What do you want from me?”

“Nothing,” came the prompt reply.

Occasionally Ernst’s father would say, as though just remembering, “I met your French teacher, and he’s very pleased with you. When I was in school, they didn’t teach French. We were two Jews in a class of forty peasants.” It was hard to know whether this was resentment or a hidden lament.

“Irena, what did they talk about in your home?” Ernst surprised her again.

“About everything,” she replied, not sensing that this question was freighted with a heavy burden.

For a moment Ernst was about to bring her into his tangled memories, but he drew back. He wrote that night, a great deal. It was nearly morning when, from the scrawled letters, a simple truth, one that had been hidden in his soul for many years, emerged: the reason for his parents’ silence. Now he had to admit that there was some nobility to it. They never complained or assigned blame. It was as if they were saying again and again: Everything is within us and from within us. Our connection with our parents’ faith was severed once we left the village. When we left, we were sure we were doing the very best thing. This is our fate, and it’s no one’s fault. There’s a reason to make a spiritual accounting, but not for recrimination. Our parents delivered all the secrets of faith to us, but we didn’t follow their path.

8

ERNST WONDERS WHY IRENA FASCINATES HIM. SOMETIMES he thinks that she bears within her the serenity of a believer. Indeed, she behaves like a believer. She neither complains nor assigns blame, she finds positive things in people, and sometimes she gives thanks to God. At first her behavior made him feel uncomfortable, but over time Ernst learned that Irena speaks with no ulterior motive or pretense. And her actions are consistent with her speech. But sometimes he thinks that she isn’t intentionally living according to her ancestors’ traditions, that she is just totally filled with wonder about everything that happens to her and everything that happened to her parents and to the grandparents whom she had never known. Ernst likes the expression on her face. He gets the feeling sometimes that she is curious about him. But usually her face reflects what she is doing. Her hands are busy with work, and she doesn’t waste a moment. The house and the furniture gleam. And when everything is in its place, she sits in the kitchen and pickles cucumbers or prepares fruit for drying. When she works, and she works most of the day, rigor and order are her essence.

One evening Ernst surprised Irena by telling her that he was going to write about his childhood. She waited to hear more, her eyes wide with anticipation. Ernst was about to tell her some of what he was feeling, but in the end it proved to be too difficult for him. His childhood and youth weren’t merely a series of errors. There were also, he had to admit, quite a few moments of joy, especially in school. But his parents remained an open wound. During his years at home, he wrote long indictments against them, and after he left home he continued to find fault with them — quite honestly, for no reason. They gave him everything they could. Their own lives were unimportant to them; they asked for nothing for themselves. But he couldn’t forgive them for his unhappy childhood, even after he found out what the Romanian Army had done to them during the war.

During the past few weeks, Ernst has tried desperately to connect with his parents. He sits at his desk for hours and awaits them. For years they had tried to get through to him, but he was either busy at work or concerned with himself, and he didn’t let them in. Sometimes his mother would break through the barrier. His father tried, too. But his efforts didn’t get very far. He would look at Ernst from a distance, as if asking repeatedly, What harm did we do to you that you withdraw from us even now, when we’re in another world? While they were alive, there was no competition between his parents. And if there was, it was minimal. But since they have been trying to approach him from the world beyond, there has been a hidden competition between them. Who will get there first? But the tables have been turned: Ernst is now seeking them.

Ernst’s anticipation of their arrival failed to bring them to him. But images of his childhood materialize from a distance and appear before him. His father lies on the sofa and reads the newspaper. That was his permanent place in the world. Ernst’s mother often said, “Why don’t you lie down in the bedroom? The sofa is narrow.” His father wouldn’t respond, and his mother’s suggestion would be ignored.

Sometimes Ernst’s mother would stand at the window and look out into the night, as though she were expecting someone to come from outside and break the silence in the house. Suddenly she would turn her head toward her husband, seeming to ask for his confirmation. At the time, Ernst didn’t understand that turning of the head. It appeared as if she wanted to voice some reproach. But that notion was, of course, not correct. She never demanded anything.

On Friday evenings Ernst’s mother would light candles. The candles brought no additional light to the house. On the contrary, it seemed to Ernst that the dim light of the white candles was the embodiment of inertia. “Good Sabbath.” His mother’s voice would pass by and touch the stagnant air. Ernst’s father would rise from the sofa and open his eyes wide as if to say, Where is my mistake? There’s no doubt that I made a mistake. But apparently the mistake can’t be corrected. His mother tried in vain to breathe a different spirit into the Sabbath meal. His father would eat two portions of fish. His strange appetite on the Sabbath always repulsed Ernst.

Something else appeared to Ernst recently: his mother’s folding of clean clothes. Every Monday the Ukrainian laundress, a sturdy young woman under whose hands shirts and socks were crushed, would come to their house. Her whole being radiated stability, health, and joy. Everything that was missing in their home was present within her. There was a good reason for Ernst to stop reading and watch her. Her name was Galina, and she represented everything he yearned for: a body one could take hold of, full, firm breasts, long legs, rhythmic motions, and laughter. His mother looked like a blighted shadow next to her. Ernst felt bad that he didn’t know how to talk to Galina. His parents’ silence clung to him and seeped into his body, and he stood mute next to her. Still, she left something of herself with him. Every time the scent of starch reached his nostrils, Galina rose up out of the past, as if time had not obliterated her. At night, after returning from the grocery store, his mother would fold the clothing that Galina had washed. It annoyed Ernst that his mother so easily reaped the fruit of Galina’s labor.

Irena resembles Galina slightly: she also has sturdy legs, a full body, and quick hands. When she appears each morning, there is a smile on her face, and Ernst feels like saying to her, Come, let’s live our lives anew. For a moment he forgets the pains that torment him at night and the years that have ill treated him. He’s ready to put on warm clothes and set out.

9

THE COMMUNIST CHAPTER IN ERNST’S LIFE BEGAN WHEN he was twelve. Communist youth from his neighborhood persuaded him to take part in putting up posters at night. The boys were called “poster pasters.” They were fourteen or fifteen years old. Some of them were orphans, but most of them were poor boys who had run away from their families. They squatted in abandoned houses or in empty warehouses where there were no watchmen. They were thin and quick, and their clothing smelled of oil. From them he heard coarse language for the first time.

One night Ernst was caught and put into jail. His father and mother were called, and they hurried to the police station. His mother swore that they were honest people and that their son was an only child. Of course her pleas were useless. The policeman declared that Communists were unworthy of mercy. Their place was in jail.

“He’s a child,” Ernst’s mother implored.

“Even a Communist child is a Communist, and he has to be plucked out before he takes root.”

What pleas failed to accomplish was done by bribery. Ernst’s mother placed a few banknotes in the policeman’s palm, and her son was freed.

The next evening Ernst didn’t report for duty. He was sure that the episode was over, but the following morning his handlers lay in wait for him as he walked to school. If he didn’t report for work that night, they threatened, his blood would be on his own head. You don’t abandon the Party because you’ve been arrested once, they said.

“I’m afraid,” he blurted out.

“You’re afraid of the Romanian police? You ought to be afraid of Stalin instead!”

Ernst encountered those violent boys almost every day. He tried to run away from them, but they were faster than he was. If they didn’t catch him by day, they ambushed him at night. Once, in the middle of the night, they banged on his window and shouted, “Traitor! Traitors won’t be forgiven!”

In the end Ernst couldn’t resist the pressure and returned to his handlers. They didn’t greet him fondly. They kept reminding him that the Party doesn’t tolerate shirkers and deserters.

His parents suspected that his disappearances at night weren’t of an innocent nature, but they were immersed in the store and in debts, and they didn’t ask a lot of questions. Ernst became more deeply involved in the Party. One night he was taught how to break open doors and prepare flammable materials. Before long he took part in burning down one of the smaller yeshivas. Burning down religious institutions was regarded as one of the Party’s important imperatives. All the boys took part. At first Ernst hesitated, but he became increasingly captivated by their rigor.

One night he witnessed the interrogation of an elderly rabbi who lived on the outskirts of the city. The boys entered his apartment without knocking. The rabbi was sitting at his desk, reading a book. The head of the gang addressed him in Ukrainian. “Rabbi,” he said. The rabbi raised his head up from the book.

“We came to warn you.” The boy spoke directly to the rabbi. “You’d better not teach boys Talmud anymore.”

“I don’t understand.” The old man sat up straight in his chair.

“We came to warn you not to teach the Talmud. The Talmud is full of superstitions. Spreading damaging beliefs is like spreading poison.”

“Poison?” The rabbi looked sharply at him.

“Indeed.”

“These teachings are meant only for Jews.” The old man spoke softly.

“I know. What difference does that make? Poison is poison, and it’s poisonous.”

“I’ve been teaching for fifty years.” The rabbi spoke as if the person before him wasn’t an intruder but an accuser who had come to complain about his legal decisions.

“You’ve been spreading poison for fifty years. The time has come to stop. The Party doesn’t mince words. If its demands aren’t met, it has ways of putting the one who refuses in his place.”

A smile spread across the rabbi’s face. “I’m seventy-one years old,” he said. “A man at my age isn’t afraid anymore.”

“You’re wrong. Fear isn’t connected to age. The Party has the power to impose its authority on everyone.”

“I see that the Party is omnipotent,” the rabbi replied, not without a hint of irony.

“Correct. I wouldn’t suggest testing its strength. You’d be better off, for your own good, accepting the Party’s dictates without provoking it.”

“What’s wrong with studying Talmud?” The rabbi reverted to his old argument.

“Didn’t I explain it to you? You yourself know that the Talmud is full of superstitions and benighted laws, not to mention magic. A person who devotes himself to Talmud study eventually becomes a fanatic and an exploiter, oppressing women and children. Those poisonous plants must be rooted out.”

“Who are you?” asked the rabbi, as though roused from a nightmare. He placed his pale hands on the table.

“That’s not important. This is not a personal matter. You have to stop this harmful hypnosis once and for all.” It was evident that the young interrogator had a good bit of talent for speaking. During the conversation, he had used the word “theology” several times, and a few other words that Ernst didn’t understand.

The old rabbi rose to his feet and said, “This is our holy Torah, and we are willing to give our lives for it.”

“We’ve already heard that stupid argument, and it doesn’t deter us.”

“Get out of my house!” The rabbi could no longer control himself.

“You’ve crossed the line.” The interrogator changed his tone. “The Party won’t forgive a sin like that. Until now you were a public nuisance; from now on you’ll be seen as an adversary. Adversaries are judged more harshly.”

“Get out of here. Get out!” The rabbi spoke as if the interrogator weren’t threatening but was just annoying.

“I could have eliminated you easily,” said the boy, pointing to the revolver in his belt. “I won’t do it, because the Party allows for repentance and for begging pardon. I’m giving you a week’s reprieve.”

The old man opened his eyes wide, as if the person talking to him were an evil spirit.

“I advise you to think carefully about what I said to you,” said the boy, as he and his two associates turned to the door.

Ernst was increasingly captivated by all these goings-on and became more deeply entrenched within the Party. The thought that he was freeing people from the prison of religion inspired him with the will to act. There was no limit to his devotion, to his obedience. Ernst believed that self-sacrifice was the highest expression of humanity.

10

ERNST WRITES EVERY DAY. AFTER THREE HOURS HE FEELS weak all over. He hadn’t written about his own life in years past but about the lives of others. He believed that cutting himself off from his personal experiences was necessary for accurate and truthful writing, just as it was important to sever himself from Jewish tribalism. Jewish tribalism felt like an oppressive anachronism to him.

From time to time Ernst reads a passage or a chapter to Irena. When he reads to her she lowers her head as though trying to absorb his words with all her might. This time she couldn’t contain herself and said, “It’s forbidden to set fire to yeshivas and synagogues.”

“But at that time people believed that this would bring salvation to humanity, including the Jews.” Ernst tried to put things in their historical context.

When Irena disagrees with Ernst, she closes her eyes and her body trembles. Finding words to express her feelings is not easy for her. A day or two might pass before she can draw out a few sentences. When she finally does, they always surprise Ernst with their simplicity and seriousness. Sometimes she utters a sentence she has already said. It’s impossible for Ernst to argue with Irena because, among other things, she doesn’t stand up for her opinions. He has often tried to draw her into an argument, but all his efforts have been in vain.

Irena is not like other women. He learns this anew each day. There is a kind of solid innocence about her that one cannot easily shake. “My neighbor, Mrs. Grossman, invited me to dinner,” she told him this morning. “She can hardly walk, but she hasn’t forgotten the day my mother died. ‘Everyone is an orphan on the day of their mother’s death, even if they’re fifty years old,’ she told me. That’s right, isn’t it?”

Irena’s “isn’t it?” is part of her charm.

Irena always finds something good in everyone, even in the neighbors who weren’t friendly to her parents. It’s apparently hard for her to be angry. For example, she doesn’t understand why some people hate those who pray.

“And do you pray?” Ernst surprises her again.

“Sometimes, but not regularly. But I light Sabbath candles. I love to look at the flames. They move me.”

Ernst knows there are things he can learn from Irena. What he’s concerned with now are the things people don’t talk about — what they cover up or cut off in silence. After reading Irena a passage or a chapter, he asks her opinion about it. But the direct inquiry embarrasses her; she withdraws into herself and is silent.

Sometimes, in response to his request for an opinion, Irena rises to her feet, and her whole body seems to say, Why are you bothering me with something I have no notion about. But at other times she wants to say to him, You must beg forgiveness of your parents. Don’t worry. They’ll forgive you. Parents always forgive their children. You mustn’t ignore them. A person who ignores his parents is an orphan forever.

Ernst trips himself up with a question he had asked before and stumbled over. “Are you religious?”

This time, too, she says, “I do what my mother did.”

“That’s not what I asked.”

What do you want from me? she says silently.

Seeing the look on her face, Ernst stops annoying her.

There’s a contradiction in what you say. That sentence is frequently on Ernst’s lips. Irena often imagines it as a sword that has come out of its sheath and is about to be thrust at her, but then she says to herself, Ernst wants to teach me something important, but since I’m not capable of absorbing it, he keeps saying the same thing over and over. Irena knows the word “contradiction,” but she doesn’t know how to use it.

One time he aimed another obscure word at her. She was wounded, and in her pain she burst into tears. Ernst didn’t imagine that a word could hurt so much. When he realized what he had done, he drew near to her and said, “Irena, I was just trying to make things clear, not to hurt you. Perish the thought.”

Irena didn’t sleep that night. It appeared as though Ernst had tested her, and she hadn’t passed. By now Irena ought to know: Ernst’s thinking wasn’t like hers. Ernst inquires, clarifies, entertains hypotheses, compares, constructs, and contradicts. If other people were around him, he would clarify things with them, but since only Irena is with him for most of the day, he tries to clarify things with her. After a sleepless night, Irena decided that from now on when she doesn’t understand something that Ernst says, she’ll tell him, I don’t understand; it’s beyond me. Why bother with me?

The next morning Irena found Ernst totally drunk. He mixed up languages, called her Ida, waved his arms, and was as embarrassed as a wayward child. Irena went over to the stove to make him toast and coffee. When he saw the steaming cup, he cried out, “You’re my redeeming angel.”

11

THAT NIGHT HIS WORDS WROTE THEMSELVES, INVOLUNTARILY, and in the first person.

More than we hated the religious Jews, we hated the rich Jews. Striking a blow against the owner of a factory who had withheld his workers’ pay was regarded as a good deed of the highest order. The owners of small factories, and even the owners of workshops that employed six or seven workers, were also regarded as exploiters, and their buildings were set on fire. “Justice must begin at home!” That was the slogan and the order.

At first every limb of my body rebelled against the violence, but in time I was convinced that if the rich and their armor bearers weren’t eliminated, injustice would never be corrected. Wealth and exploitation had to be rooted out.

During those years, I attended lectures in basements, and not only about Marx’s Das Kapital and about Freud on religion. I also read Gorky and Sholokhov and other works of Soviet socialist realism. This underground activity, which was most intense in those nighttime meetings, gave me the feeling that I was a partner in building a new world.

What were the Jews guilty of? The lecture started off with that question every time, and the answer came quickly: obstinacy. Their refusal to change, their clinging to the worthless old faith of their fathers. The new Jews were no better: wealth was their faith. In those years I hated the Jews, though most of the people handling me were Jews, as were their commanders.

Quite a few ideas were raised at those secret nightly meetings: to dismantle all the ghettos and transfer the Jews to agricultural colonies; to imprison the rabbis, the religious judges, the kashrut supervisors, and the heads of yeshivas in reeducation camps; to forbid studying in Jewish religious schools and in synagogue study halls. The fury of the commissars was directed especially at ritual baths. They were regarded as a symbol of ignorance and evil.

I left home at seventeen, when I finished school. Neither my mother’s pleas nor my father’s silences could keep me with them. The idea that from then on I would sleep in abandoned houses, live by stealing, and help my weak friends was more powerful than any feelings of guilt.

Of course the reality was different from what I had imagined. Abandoned houses weren’t ideal places to live. People fought over every bit of floor, over a rotten mattress, not to mention a slice of bread or a hunk of cheese. The commissars tried in vain to impose order on the mixed multitude. The police, who used to raid the buildings at night, did not inspire within us a desire for mutual assistance. Whoever was able to flee ran away, and the weak ones would be caught and put in jail. It was a violent, exhausting life. I would often fall asleep under a bridge or in the hallway of an apartment building, just to avoid the company of my comrades.

I never returned home. My mother’s pleas reached me from time to time: “Come home, son, my life is nothing without you.” They arrived in the form of short letters or in chance meetings with neighbors. I ignored them. Harden yourself! I would repeat during those times. I had to harden myself in preparation for the great struggles. Humanity came before the individual. The revolution came before everything.

I eliminated parts of myself. I regarded anything that didn’t contribute to the revolution as a luxury. I stopped reading the beloved poems of Rilke and the prose of Kleist. I didn’t permit myself to enjoy a melodious sentence or a special word, not to mention a phrase that contained mysteries of the soul.

I even denied myself strolls on the riverbank and visits to cafés. I took my meals in the soup kitchens of churches and synagogues.

I trained myself to be an ordinary soldier, one who receives orders and carries them out without thinking about them. Everything that I had learned in high school — doubts, hypotheses, comparisons, ambiguities — all that was like a sin for which I had to atone through exhausting labor.

12

THE COMMISSARS QUICKLY DISCOVERED ERNST’S ABILITIES: his mastery of languages, his articulate writing, and his ability to compose a series of tracts. Literature was his great love, but he suppressed his feelings and gave them no expression. The world would not be founded on poetry but on eliminating injustice, he repeated to himself. Instead of poetry or literature, Ernst created posters, open letters, and pamphlets. He learned to turn a personal feeling into a slogan that caught the eye and captivated the ear. Like all his comrades, Ernst divided the world into black and white, bad and good. In the good world dwelt communism, and in the bad world, everything that existed before it. The division was so sharp that no one around him doubted it. From time to time Ernst would feel a twinge in his heart at the sight of a word he had corrupted, but the belief that he was doing what was necessary was stronger than any other feeling.

Hour after hour Ernst would sit in his cellar, writing and rewriting. On the agenda were not only social and political matters but also culture, literature, religion, the plastic arts, and music. He called upon all his abilities and, even more, on his youthful energy, to produce splendid pamphlets. The publications of the other political parties seemed thin in content to him, faltering, and lacking vision. His texts shone with borrowings from literature and philosophy. They stood out in their simplicity and honesty, and they aroused the heart.

People were enthusiastic about his writing and quoted it; his work became well known in Czernowitz. Of course no one knew who the author was. There were rumors that the polished pamphlets came straight from Moscow. The Communists of the city weren’t examples of good behavior, but Ernst’s posters and pamphlets were called “a model of good writing.”

Ernst was shunted from city to city like a workhorse. Everywhere he went, a cellar, an old desk, coarse paper, a pen, and ink awaited him. He knew what to elevate and what to cast down. Words flowed from his pen that were full of meaning and laden with irony, words that fired the imagination.

At restricted Party meetings, which were called “kitchen nights,” future actions and punishments were determined, and Ernst saw the regional leaders close up. They were mainly of his tribe, and they spoke better Ukrainian and Russian than the Ukrainians. They were short and nearsighted, and their eyes were filled with cunning, suspicion, and ambition. Their practical ideas were written in little notebooks that they would whip out of their pockets. They pronounced Jewish names the way the Ukrainians did, which immediately displayed the barrier they had erected between themselves and their brethren. Another thing was conspicuous at those kitchen nights: the little maps, the handiwork of anonymous women volunteers, that indicated the religious institutions, factories, and workshops that were to be burned down, or whose owners were to be attacked.

After two years without seeing his parents, Ernst decided to visit them. He didn’t do it willingly. Harsh dreams tormented his sleep. At first he tried to ignore them, but they returned night after night. His parents appeared in the dreams the way he remembered them, with no evident change. Their faces had grown thinner, and, as always, they expressed disappointment with themselves. He interpreted that disappointment as a demand for him to return home.

Ernst made his way in the dark from his cellar to the house. He knew that his parents locked up the grocery store at seven and returned home. At eight his father would stretch out on the sofa, immerse himself in the newspaper, and wait for his mother to call, “Dinner is ready.”

When Ernst opened the door, nothing new was revealed. His mother was in the middle of preparing a meal; his father lay on the sofa. Ernst’s sudden appearance riveted them in their places. In their great astonishment, they could say nothing.

“Where have you been?” At last his mother got a few words out of her mouth.

“Not far from here,” he answered in a voice not his own.

“Do you have an apartment?”

“Yes.”

Ernst wasn’t anxious to provide details, and his mother’s mouth was still. His father didn’t utter a syllable. His long face grew longer. His eyes were filled with astonishment. Seeing his father’s expression, Ernst said, in a self-satisfied way, “I’m working on important projects.” His father didn’t react to that, either. Ernst felt that the word “projects” was laden with empty pretension.

“We’re about to close the store.” His mother recovered herself and told him about their situation.

“Why?”

“No more customers.”

“How will you make a living?”

“God knows.”

Soon everything will change, he was about to tell her, but instead he said, “You have to think about what to do.”

Hearing her son’s words, Ernst’s mother’s face cleared and she said, “We have no one in this city whom we can consult. The big stores are devouring the small ones. We can’t offer customers what a big store offers.”

“I understand,” Ernst said and lowered his head.

“We’ll have to go to work somewhere.”

When he heard that, Ernst was gripped by irritation. “I’ll come again soon and stay longer,” he said.

“Won’t you eat something?”

“I’m in a hurry,” Ernst said, as he used to in the past.

“I made the sweet blintzes you like.” She spoke as if he had never left the house.

“Not now.” Ernst hastily kissed her on the forehead and went to the door.

As the door closed, his father emerged from his inertia. “I don’t understand a thing,” he said, curling up on the sofa.

Ernst dreamed about free love, but the Party forbade all contact between the sexes because it interfered with Party activity, which came before everything. You were allowed to marry and have children, but you weren’t allowed to kiss in the cellars, not to mention have intercourse. Delinquents were reprimanded, and comments were entered in their personal dossiers.

Once Ernst witnessed the trial of a lively, buxom girl who was accused of having had sexual relations with three boys. The poor girl didn’t blame the boys but only herself. The verdict was unequivocal and cruel. She was expelled from the ranks of the Party for life.

13

ERNST READS THE CHAPTER TO IRENA. IT’S HARD FOR HER to follow his words, but Ernst’s voice captivates her, and for hours afterward her body throbs with excitement. This time she understands the content, and she is stunned by the opacity of his heart. Why did you run away from your mother and father? she wants to ask. Ernst senses her astonishment and tries to explain, but it’s hard for him. He knows that Irena possess a language of her own and has her own images in her heart. When he utters the words he has written, they sound exaggerated and artificial to him, and he immediately retracts them. Were it not for the close attention she pays, he would not read his work to her. Every time he tries to explain something to her, he feels the same disappointment with himself.

“Why did I run away from my parents? you ask. Because I believed that it was possible to correct how life is lived. My parents belonged to the Generation of the Desert, which could not be reformed. For that reason I refused to accept their love. Is that so complicated?”

Usually Ernst addresses Irena abruptly, but this time he speaks at length. Irena can’t understand his words, but she feels that they have come from his heart. When Ernst is moved, his face and neck become delicately flushed. On her way home, Irena thinks again about all the things Ernst has said to her. She opens the door to her house cautiously and immediately lights a candle. She closes her eyes and says, “God, help Ernst find his way to You. If he finds his way, he will be cured. He is very ill, and his thoughts torment him. Give him words so that he can ask for forgiveness from his parents.”

Irena then begins to tidy the rooms. For years after her parents’ death, the house kept the form that her mother had given it. Now it is Irena’s private sanctuary. The clothes and most of the utensils aren’t used. Sometimes it seems to her that they have lost their former life, and no precious memories waft up from them. There are days when Irena sits in one place and tries for hours to absorb what the house evokes from within.

God, she prays silently, restore Ernst’s parents to him. Without parents, we have no grip on the world. They watch over us in this world, and when they’re in the World of Truth, they are no less connected to us. So devoted is her prayer that she actually sees Ernst’s parents. His father reclines on the sofa, and his mother is in the kitchen. The silence between them is tense. It’s hard for her to erase that image, perhaps because Ernst keeps describing it in different ways.

So far he has written nothing about his grandparents, who lived in the Carpathian Mountains. Irena feels closely connected to her grandparents. She knows about their lives in detail. Every night for many years her mother would tell her a story about them or relate an incident. No wonder they have a shadowy place in her memories. Two portraits hang on the eastern wall in her home: her grandfather, a tall man, is leaning on a cane, wearing a peasant shirt belted at his hips; sharp honesty shines from his face. Her grandmother is a short, heavyset woman with a warm smile.

Irena loves to look at their photographs. She often soars away and visits with them in their house and in the fields, accompanying them to synagogue and back. The stories her mother told her become alive, and they bring up images and visions. When she is by herself at home, she is not alone. Irena knows what happened to her grandparents during the war, but the feeling that they live on is stronger than the reality of their deaths. Once her mother told her, in her own father’s name, that death was an illusion and that it should be ignored. This has stayed in her mind.

Irena is sorry that Ernst’s parents don’t come to comfort him. His illness vexes him, and his writing is impeded. Though he does write, he crosses out and rips up what he has written. Irena feels that if he were to ask for forgiveness from his parents, he would rouse them in the World Above, and they would enlist his grandparents to help him as well. Irena doesn’t know how to speak to Ernst about this; she worries that if she does so, he will scold her.

That night Irena lights some candles so that the house won’t be without their flickering flames. When the house is lit by candles, the evil shadows have no power over her or over her dreams.

14

WHEN ERNST TURNED TWENTY-THREE, THE PARTY APPOINTED him Commissar for Jewish Affairs in his district. By then he had read what every devoted Communist was required to read, secretly visited the Soviet Union, taken part in advanced courses on organizing, and was involved in everything that was being done locally within the Party.

The committee that appointed Ernst knew that no one was better qualified than he. His loyalty to the Party and hostility to the members of his tribe were intertwined. They also knew he never stayed in one place for more than a day. He was systematic, his initiatives were innovative, and he did what he promised.

Within a month of his appointment, Ernst already had a file on the wealthy Jews, on the religious elite, and on everyone who should be recruited for the Party — especially young people in the high school and technical schools.

At that time his hatred for his fellow Jews was at its peak. He was certain that because of their distorted lives, they were damaged beyond repair. If he could, he would have burned down all the synagogues and yeshivas and all the factories and workshops where workers were exploited. He would also have condemned the arts-and-letters clubs to the flames. His closest friends were Ukrainians, half Jews who were disgusted by their Jewishness, and Polish exiles who brought with them from their homes a hatred of Jews.

At night Ernst would walk about in Czernowitz’s Jewish neighborhood. The jumble of grocery stores, dry goods stores, stalls, and synagogues seemed to him the embodiment of sickness and filth. These lairs have to be rooted out, he hissed to himself.

Every few months he would visit his parents. The liquidation of their store took a while. In the end, they sold it very cheaply to a real estate agent in the city. Ernst heard about it and raged. Strangely, he wasn’t angry with the agent who had exploited his parents’ situation but with his parents, who didn’t struggle to keep their bit of property. They remained the same. Actually, they became more confused, more immobile. Ernst would sit with them, pile up fatuous sentences, and then leave. After he left, his parents would sit frozen in their places, as though after a violent robbery.

In his youth Ernst had been sensitive to the landscape, to animals, to people in distress. But he now drove out all those feelings. He adopted an abstract, sociological way of speaking, using statistics and blunt statements. Personal talk felt like a luxury to him. Identification with an individual weakens one. One has to see the general picture, the goal, and at this time the goal was Birobidzhan, the province in Siberia that the Soviets had established for the Jews. That was his soul’s desire. When he spoke to young people, he promised them a healthy, normal life, a life filled with joy and usefulness to society. Quite a few of them, intoxicated by his speeches, left their elderly parents and wandered off into the unknown.

Later in life Ernst would say to himself, What did I do? What demon directed me then? Hatred that enthralled one’s youth cannot easily be uprooted. Years would pass before he could picture his parents, and even more time would pass before he could envision his grandparents. Now he is approaching the end of his journey, and night after night he expects them to reveal themselves to him. When a crack appears toward morning and a bit of landscape rises up from the depths, his body relaxes slightly. But on some nights he sees only his parents’ silence, which has been distilled even further so that there is no longer any separation between them and their silence, and he knows that it is in their marrow. He sees it in their faces: There is nothing to say. We won’t change. This is how we were, and this is how we will always be. When Ernst hears their silence, he shrivels up and trembles.

15

ABOUT A YEAR BEFORE THE WAR CAME TO HIS CITY, ERNST married Tina, an orphaned Jewish girl whom the Party had recruited. She had worked with Ernst for some time, and he was impressed by her modest, straightforward conduct. One time he sat with her in the canteen, and they discussed the works of Gorky. She said things he didn’t expect to hear. Evidently her reading wasn’t mechanical, and she was highly sensitive to details. She wasn’t impressed by Gorky’s ideas about society but by his ability to observe the minutiae of human suffering — especially in children and, even more, in old people.

That conversation in the canteen opened his heart, and something of his old self returned to him. Ernst and Tina used to meet and talk about books and writing, about what was important in life and what was external to it. Tina didn’t doubt communism, but her true interest wasn’t in reforming society but in improving the life of the individual. At first Ernst tried to remind her that this wasn’t the opinion of the Party. Tina was alarmed and apologized. Later he stopped reproving her. Her insights and charm captivated his heart.

The wedding ceremony was held in the Party’s offices, in the cellar. The Party secretary himself conducted it. Ernst and Tina swore allegiance to the Party and to Stalin. Afterward they drank a toast and recited the familiar slogans, and the activists recited the poems of Vladimir Mayakovsky.

Those were times of unexpected happiness. Every day Ernst discovered a new side of Tina, and every day he knew that only Tina could restore the essence he had lost. How this would happen, he didn’t know. He would remember the days with her as a time of bright sunlight, and what came afterward as prolonged darkness.

When their daughter, Helga, was born, Ernst’s happiness was boundless. The Party held a small celebration in the cellar. Again they sang, mocked the old world, got drunk, and cursed the police and collaborators.

After that they were hardly ever together. War was raging in Europe, and Ernst was sent on secret missions. In the spring, when the Romanian Army arrived in Czernowitz, the heads of the Party were ordered to flee across the border to the Soviet Union. Ernst parted from Tina hastily. He was sure that he would return in a matter of days. Tina felt differently. She wept and kissed his hands. Then came the days of the trains and the bombings. He transferred from train to train. If one didn’t arrive on time or was canceled, he marched on foot, joining the refugees. Every day took him farther from Tina, and every day he saw new suffering. But Ernst was confident in the victory of the Red Army and in his rapid return to her. In a village near Moscow he was conscripted and immediately sent to an officers’ course. The courses were short and accelerated, meant mainly for the Party faithful.

After Czernowitz was occupied by the Romanians and Germans, the Jews were imprisoned in a ghetto. Then the transports to Transnistria began. Ernst eventually learned that Tina and Helga had been among the first to be deported.

Although it had been many years since he had last seen them, when Ernst began writing about the war, he sometimes saw Tina and little Helga clearly, as if they weren’t mother and child but two girls holding each other’s hands. The big girl says to the little one, Soon we’ll get to the water, and you’ll be able to drink as much as you want. It was hard for him to uproot that picture from his mind. It appeared to him from various perspectives by day and by night.

Ernst also saw his parents in a long convoy of deportees. His father holds his mother’s hand and says, as he used to, There’s nothing to worry about. Everything is behind us.

And what about the debts? his mother asks.

In wartime, debts are forgiven, says his father wearily.

I don’t understand, says his mother, and her face is suddenly concealed.

From then on they don’t talk. They walk hand in hand with the rest.

Winter is at its height, but suddenly patches of earth peek out from the snow, as in the spring. That’s an illusion, of course. But the snowstorms have stopped, the ice on the river has broken up, and the water rushes. The soldiers hurry the deportees with blows and shots, so they will get to the raging river. The deportees know what is in store for them. They don’t try to escape. When they are close to the river, they remove their backpacks. With their loads lightened, they are shoved into the water by the soldiers and by the collaborators. When they are deep in the river, Ernst’s father stretches his neck, the way he did every morning when he shaved.

16

THE WINTER HAS BECOME HARSHER, AND IRENA’S EFFORTS to lift Ernst from the depression into which he has sunk all fail. She stands before him and lists all the dishes she has prepared. If he doesn’t respond, she recites the list again, and if he doesn’t respond to that, she knows she mustn’t disturb him further.

Ernst writes until late at night and sleeps no more than four hours. “At my age, there’s no need for too much sleep.” His opinion is firm. Irena feels that four hours of sleep are not enough. True, Ernst dozes off in the afternoon, but he doesn’t sleep. “Don’t pay attention to me,” he says when depression assails him. Irena complies with his request and doesn’t enter his room unless he calls her. In her heart she knows that Ernst’s depression arrives as a stubborn and intransigent wave and that until it passes he will lie curled up in bed.

Last fall Ernst took some bundles of manuscripts out of a drawer and said to Irena, “These are the books I wrote and never finished.”

“One day you’ll sit down and finish them,” Irena said, and hoped he would not contradict her.

“I’ll never finish them.”

“Why not?”

“Because they’re unworthy.”

“I don’t understand,” she said, frightened at his words.

Ernst struggles with life and with writing. He cannot change his life, but he is trying to give a new form to his writing. It is no longer descriptions of experiences and a mass of details, but only what is most necessary. For years he tried to write about human beings without any ethnic traits. He called his heroes Eldorado, Homer, and other names taken from ancient myths. They fought for justice, loyalty, and purity. But since Irena’s arrival in his home, many things in his life have changed. For years he tried to avoid contemplating his life, to ignore it, to build floating towers on it. Now his life is coming back to him like a spirit returning from the dead, and he knows that it seeks correction.

Rain falls without pause, the drops covering the windows. Most likely Ernst won’t go out to the café today. He’s sitting at his desk, copying. When Ernst copies something, it means he has a passage or a chapter that he wants to preserve. When he makes a copy, his handwriting is clear and without flourishes. He sits at his desk until noon.

“There’s fresh vegetable soup,” Irena announces ceremoniously.

“Thank you.”

Irena knows that there’s nothing like vegetable soup to lift Ernst out of the darkness. His struggle against depression is fierce. There were times when he lay in bed all day, but now Irena won’t allow him to give in to his pain. She invents all sorts of ruses and temptations to bring him to the table. Good food, she believes, can extricate him from his distress.

Sometimes, to make him happy, Irena wears her embroidered blouse and matching skirt, and she puts on makeup and earrings. Ernst is very pleased to see Irena in festive clothing.

I’ll do whatever you ask me to do, she wants to tell him. Ernst usually refuses to accept help. Even when he’s weak, he doesn’t want her to support him, not to mention wash him. Ernst is a proud man, and his pride is evident in his erect bearing. After the operation he was forced to accept assistance, but only to a slight degree. I’ll live as long as my legs can carry me. If I can’t walk, life is meaningless. When he goes out, striding confidently along, his weakness is not visible.

Irena serves Ernst soup and asks, “Is it good?”

“Very tasty.” That’s the answer she likes to hear. It’s a sign that the depression is lifting and that the light will soon return to his face.

“How is it outside?”

“Rainy and windy.”

“But now it seems to have stopped.”

As Ernst sits and sips the soup, his usual demeanor gradually returns, and a thin, ironic smile pinches his lips. Irena knows that smile very well. In a moment he will make some critical remark about himself or his situation. After lunch he shaves, dresses, and says, “I’m going to the café.”

“It’s cold out.”

“I like the cold.”

Ernst puts on his gray suit and his winter coat, wraps a thin woolen scarf around his neck, and says, “See you later.” After he leaves Irena feels a secret pride in her success, and for a long while she is wrapped in joy.

17

ERNST WROTE LAST NIGHT AND WAS PLEASED WITH WHAT he wrote. When he is pleased, his face opens up, and his weakness isn’t apparent. He shows Irena things that she didn’t expect to see: his city in its seasons, the hidden little parks where he loved to walk after school, and the tiny kiosks that looked like chapels, where you could buy a glass of cold lemonade or a cup of ice cream and from there go directly to the municipal library. High school was his racecourse. There he brilliantly demonstrated not only his knowledge but, mainly, his ability to think. French, literature, and philosophy were the subjects he loved, but he was also outstanding in the sciences. The teachers favored him, and everyone was impressed by his abilities and courtesy. No one doubted that he would become a university professor. How strange, he would later say to himself, that I sold my soul to a false faith. Communism, which took hold of him while he was in high school, halted his progress.

Irena has made Ernst breakfast: thin toast, low-fat cheese, and vegetables. She tries to vary his meals. This time she has added black olives and homemade plum preserves.

“You should sit and eat with me,” Ernst says in a commanding tone.

“I enjoy serving you.”

“But you also deserve breakfast.” He has demanded this on several occasions, but Irena doesn’t feel comfortable sitting next to him.

When it rains hard and the weather is very cold, Ernst lies in bed and reads the Bible. He discovered the Bible two years ago, and since then he has been charmed by the rhythm and the economy of the text. He reads a chapter or two in Hebrew every day, assisted by Martin Buber’s translation, which sounds too clever in comparison to the clarity of the original.

Yesterday Ernst recalled that three months before his thirteenth birthday, his father brought home a private tutor to prepare him for his bar mitzvah. The tutor was an old man whose eyes abounded with good-hearted gentleness. The old man grasped the Bible in his two pale hands, looked straight into Ernst’s eyes, and said, “This is our holy Torah, which we received from heaven. There are marvelous things in it. Our fathers watched over it with vigilance.” He spoke to Ernst in German mixed with Yiddish, which detracted somewhat from the value of his words. At that time Ernst was far from Jews and Judaism, and the old man’s words, full of conviction, sounded to him like a counterfeit appeal, if not a deceitful one.

A few of the lessons amused him, but before three weeks had passed, Ernst’s patience wore out. The sacrificial rituals seemed to him like a slurry of blood that belonged to a prehistoric age. He didn’t hide his opinion from the old man.

“You mustn’t talk that way,” his tutor replied. “God, the Master of All, hears you.”

“I’m not afraid. God is an invention of primitive man. We have been liberated from that invention.”

Ernst spoke to him as one speaks to an ignoramus. Upon hearing those impertinent words, the old man hung his head. After he recovered he turned to Ernst and said, “I see that you don’t want to learn our holy Torah.”

“No.” The answer came without delay.

The old man tried another tactic. “You can’t be a Jew without Torah,”

“I willingly give up that title.”

The old man said nothing further. He rose from his chair and headed toward the kitchen, where Ernst’s father was. After hearing what the old man had to say, Ernst’s father paid him, apologized, said a few words about the younger generation, and accompanied him to the door.

“I see that the Torah doesn’t interest you,” Ernst’s father said to him later.

“Correct.” Ernst was brief.

“You can learn history from the Torah.” His father tried to speak in the language of Jews who had attended high school.

Ernst’s reply was once again brief. “You learn history from history books.”

His father knew that in matters of education, he would never have the upper hand.

That distant memory, which had lain dormant within him for years, flooded back, and Ernst sees clearly some forgotten objects in his house, such as the washboard that hung in the back of the kitchen and the braid of garlic that was next to it. It appears as though the house that he had abandoned with contempt and thoughtlessness has not faded from his memory. The image of the old man, which had been revealed to him at night, makes him happy, like a gift that has come to him from a distance. For a moment he wants to tell Irena about his happiness, but he realizes right away that the matter is complicated and that this isn’t the right time to talk about it. “How is it outside?”

He speaks to Irena distractedly.

“Cold.”

“I’ll wear my winter coat.”

Ernst surprises Irena again and again. A week ago, before going out to the café, he turned to her and asked, “Am I dressed well enough?”

“Absolutely.”

“Sloppiness doesn’t become a man of my age.”

Irena irons his clothes very attentively, but she leaves to him the choice of what to wear and when. Ernst is sensitive to color. She has often seen him lay a shirt on his coat to see whether the colors match. He likes vivid colors, but not those that are too conspicuous. When Ernst goes out in the morning, he leaves some of his essence in the house. Sometimes Irena speaks to the absent Ernst, telling him something that has occurred to her. How strange that it’s easier for her to speak to Ernst when he’s not at home.

18

AFTER DAYS OF CONTINUOUS WRITING, ERNST IS ONCE again attacked by depression. His appetite decreases, and his face clouds over. He utters incomprehensible words, cancels plans that he was enthusiastic about just the other day, and more than once Irena hears him say, “I have to burn everything.” When she hears those words, Irena is choked with fear.

The depression can last a week, sometimes more. Irena comes earlier in the morning and leaves later. She is so tense on his dark days that sometimes she forgets a pot on the stove or the clothes in the washing machine.

When depression overtakes Ernst, Irena tries to be unobtrusive by not moving utensils or furniture. She would very much like to say to him, You mustn’t curl your body up in bed. Curling yourself up shortens your breath. You have to lie on your back, with your head raised, and let the air flow freely. But of course she doesn’t say it. Sometimes Ernst raises his head, and with a voice not his own, he grumbles, “I haven’t grasped the main thing yet. The details are deluding me.” Irena knows that he’s talking to himself. Depression has darkened his spirit, and nothing that he’s written pleases him.

When the darkness overcomes him, Ernst destroys his manuscripts, tearing them to pieces and throwing them into the garbage pail. Irena’s heart sinks, but she doesn’t dare say to him, Calm down.

A few days ago Irena entered Ernst’s house toward evening and found him drunk. This time he didn’t mix things up. He spoke about his failures in an orderly way, more or less saying, “A person isn’t an author just because he has a certain ability to write. If you’re not connected with your parents and grandparents, and through them to the tribe, you’re a hack, not an author. Russian literature is true and great because it is connected with the faith of the Russian people. Russian authors don’t feel contempt for icons. They themselves bend at the knee and implore, ‘Jesus, father of those who suffer, save me.’ ”

A few years ago some of Ernst’s acquaintances tried to have a small selection of his stories published in Hebrew. Two passages were translated as a sample, but no publisher was willing to take on the financial burden of having more material translated. Then came delays, letters that expressed reservations, and letters of outright rejection. Ernst knew that most editors were practical people, lacking sensitivity and taste, but it seemed to him that they felt the weakness in his writing. Ernst was firm in his opinion: I write according to inner imperatives. He tore the rejection letters to shreds. For years he hoped that a German or Austrian publisher would take an interest in his writing and publish his books, but letters of chilly courtesy came from them as well. Years passed without any hope of his work being published. Ernst wrote feverishly and sometimes with blessed diligence, but there were months when he never touched his pen. And after his operation he was overwhelmed by doubt. Weakness and attacks of depression undermined his self-confidence. While in the past the letters of rejection and reservation aroused his wrath and spurred him to write, now he agreed with his critics. Not only that, he would add, they’re being kind to me. If I were the editor, I wouldn’t have reservations. I would condemn. After the operation Ernst felt that the mighty engine that had powered his body, transmitting images and thoughts, had now slowed its pace. Cognac did help fire up his will, but not as before.

Irena sees Ernst’s struggles and doesn’t always know what to do. One thing is evident: his deep depression doesn’t make him unattractive. Sometimes she thinks that he refines his thoughts in his darkness. Nobility resides in his hands, in his slender fingers, and in the way he moves his lips. Every day she stands to the side, observing him, and wonders, How can I relieve this prince’s pains?

When Irena returns home, she downs two glasses of cognac. It makes her dizzy, and she pictures Ernst, wearing a blue suit, entering the gate of a splendid palace. An honor guard salutes him; he raises his arm and blesses them with bowed head. He climbs the steps, and the king himself, wearing a uniform, comes toward him and greets him.

Irena rouses herself and tries to get to her feet, but she feels heavy and dizzy, and she sits back down. Then she realizes that from now on her task will be different: she must stand close by Ernst’s large body and be his constant helpmate. If he gets angry with her, she will say to him, I want to be with you in the darkness, too. Your darkness is as beloved to me as the light that shines from your forehead. For a moment Irena panics at this thought. She goes to the sink and washes her face, and immediately sees Ernst as she had never seen him before: his face is full of light, as if he had finally freed himself from the chains that had shackled him.

19

THE NEXT DAY, ON HER WAY TO ERNST’S HOUSE, THE pleasant image from the day before comes back to Irena. Then she imagines Ernst sitting in the armchair, reading the Bible. Of late, this book hasn’t left his hands. Sometimes it seems to her that he is not reading it so much as being thrilled by every line; so great is his amazement, he doesn’t advance very far in his reading.

Irena is surprised to find Ernst in bed. “What’s the matter?” she asks. She sees right away that once again he has been attacked by depression. The weakness is visible not only in his face but also in his arms. They are inert on the blanket.

Irena goes to the kitchen to make breakfast. In the past she would announce, “I’m making breakfast.” Now she knows that there is nothing like the fragrance of coffee to draw Ernst from his bed. Before long Ernst is sitting at the table, drinking the coffee. “Too late,” he says to himself.

Irena guesses his meaning and says, “There’s no such thing as early and late.”

“What do you mean?” Ernst embarrasses her.

Irena laughs as though she has been caught in an error, but she immediately adds, “I don’t know where I heard that saying.”

Ernst shaves, dresses, and leaves for the café. Near the stairway he turns and says, “What did I want to tell you?” Irena is frightened when she hears that because it’s likely to be followed by, “My manuscripts are in the two upper drawers. If something happens to me, please burn them.” He had said that only once, but she is still frightened. This time he forgets what he had wanted to say to her.

The walk from Ernst’s house to Café Rimon takes twenty minutes. When rain falls and the wind blows, it takes longer. Not too many years ago there were study groups in literature, philosophy, and Jewish mysticism in his Rehavia neighborhood, and in the Yeshurun Synagogue there was a regular Talmud class. The 1950s and 1960s were years of great activity in Rehavia. Ernst was one of the regular participants in the literary circle. There was also a time when it appeared that a new Jewish culture, different from the culture of the kibbutzim, was in the making. Martin Buber and Gershom Scholem would lead it. Most of the study groups were held in German, but among the participants there were those like Ernst who knew Hebrew and Yiddish as well.

Back then Ernst wrote a lot and crossed out a lot. Sometimes he did have the feeling that he was digging in the correct place. Though the excavation was slow, he sensed that if he persevered he would reach the living water. There were also days of despair, of feeling distant from the goal, of fear of the future. When he divorced Sylvia and took early retirement, Ernst felt great relief. He felt as though he was setting out on a journey and that what had been hidden and blocked would return to him.

As long as the literary circle continued according to form and he was immersed in his writing, reading a chapter or passage at meetings every month, hearing comments and compliments, Ernst’s life had meaning. But when the circle disintegrated and the participants scattered in every direction, Ernst felt that his life in this world had shortened considerably.

20

SO THE WEEKS PASS, WITH DAYS OF ASCENT AND DAYS OF collapse. Irena does everything she can to make things pleasant for Ernst: she wears makeup; she makes sure that her clothes will catch his eye each morning. Ernst’s vision is sharp, and he notices details. Every time he sees her wearing a new outfit he says, “That becomes you.” Irena knows that Ernst’s compliments are not just so many words, and she lays them away in her heart.

Ernst has been struggling with his health on two fronts of late, with his long-standing heart disease and with a malignant growth that was removed two years ago. His condition has stabilized, but he nevertheless feels constantly threatened by death. The threat takes many shapes: pains and the images and visions they bring up. When the pains intensify, Ernst returns to the years before the war, when he was the commissar of Jewish Affairs and he would attack religious institutions, rabbis, and religious judges. A few days ago he dreamed that one of the old rabbis fell upon him, knocked him down, tied his hands and feet, and called him “doomed to death.” Nightmares have been his greatest enemies in recent years. After a night of bad dreams, the depression returns as though by itself. Ernst knows that these attacks are the doing of the Angel of Death and that he has to prepare himself for the final battle.

And there is another matter, one that he keeps trying to repress: the dread that his illness might worsen and he might be taken from his home and transferred to one of the hospices in the city. He once discussed this with Irena, and she immediately promised she would be with him always, no matter what. Ernst doesn’t doubt her, but there’s really nothing he can do about this. The unknown gives him no rest. When his spirit is feverish, he repeatedly requests: “Don’t give me over to a hospice. I want to die next to my books.”

“Why don’t you believe me?” Irena’s voice trembles.

“I apologize. A thousand pardons.”

Noon comes again, and with it vegetable soup. The way Irena prepares it, it is a masterwork: a burst of colors and flavors, and served at just the right temperature. Irena never studied cooking. Her mother’s dishes were traditional, but her desire to improve the taste of the low-fat meals that Ernst must eat has made her an excellent cook. Ernst likes her dishes and often proclaims, “You serve me royal delicacies. Who taught you how to work miracles?” It isn’t only her meals that he likes. Her presence instills in him the feeling that he is connected to life. Once he tried to thank her and failed. Her simplicity is so sturdy that he sometimes feels inferior to her. Shame overcomes him when he remembers what he told her about his writing plans, how he had tripped over his own tongue, spoken in clichés, and piled on flowery expressions.

Irena offers him dessert. “There’s baked apple,” she says.

“Of course I want some.”

When Ernst says, “Of course I want some,” it means that the cloud that darkened the morning has scattered, that he’s feeling better, and that soon he will tell her about something that happened to him. Indeed, he started speaking right away.

“Today I saw Professor Stauber being led by a tall, strong man. I went over to him and introduced myself. He stared at me without any sign of recognition. You should know that Professor Stauber was the leading authority on German romanticism. I introduced myself again, but he ignored me, raised his eyes toward the man who was escorting him, and asked permission to speak with me. This man, who not long ago had been the prince of scholars, on the level of Gershom Scholem, was now walking down the same street where he had walked for the past thirty years, and he didn’t know what world he was living in. For years he tried to learn Hebrew, but that intelligent, hardworking man, who mastered Greek and Latin and spoke fluent German, French, Italian, and Spanish, was unable to do so. Every sentence that came out of his mouth was faulty and clumsy. Just two years ago he used to walk down Ramban Street, healthy and optimistic. ‘Don’t laugh at me!’ he would say. ‘In a few years I’ll speak Hebrew like the children of the old-time settlers in Petah Tikva.’ Now a man escorts him as if he were a shadow. In a little while I’ll be like him.”

Irena responds immediately. “You are quite mistaken,” she says.

Ernst smiles. Irena likes that smile very much. It’s not a smile of weakness or of arrogance but one of inner acceptance. When Ernst feels in harmony with his senses, he is full of inner joy. One can see it on his lips. A few days ago he took Irena’s hand and kissed it; since then she has felt that she has an even better sense of him.

21

THE WINTER DEEPENS. IRENA BOUGHT AN ELECTRIC heater for Ernst’s study, for the times when the central heating is turned off. Ernst’s financial situation is apparently satisfactory. Every few months he gives Irena a raise, and on holidays he buys her a silk scarf or some jewelry. For Hanukkah he bought her a pendant and earrings.

“Why do you spend so much money?” she complains.

“You deserve it,” Ernst answers briefly.

Irena keeps the gifts in a drawer, and on special occasions she wears them. She is secretly very proud of these ornaments, and at night, when she can’t sleep, she takes them out of the drawer, places them on the table, and stares at them.

Ernst has returned to his nightly work. How strange, I live in Jerusalem and I write in German. Sometimes he is puzzled by this. Years ago a coarse-minded editor had written to him, “Why don’t you write in Hebrew?” Ernst, who was then forty-five and in the midst of a desperate struggle with his writing, replied with a long and detailed letter in which he explained his ambivalent attitude toward the German language and the way it scratched at him every day. “But nevertheless,” he added, “it’s my mother tongue, the language in which I spoke to my parents, and I read my first books in that language. It’s the only language in which I have the power to write.”

Ernst secretly envies all those whom fate had endowed with the ancient Jewish language. He feels that the primal Jewish essence is rooted in it. For him, as it was for the poet Else Lasker-Schüler, Hebrew is a promised land he will never reach. Still, Ernst does not let a day pass without reading a chapter from the Bible or from one of his books on Hasidism. There are days when he wanders about drunk from the heady scent those books give off. And sometimes after reading from the Bible, he sits and weeps like a child.

One evening, before Irena left for the day, Ernst turned to her and said, “I want to say something to you.”

“What?” she asked nervously.

“Don’t be alarmed. I want to make you my heir.”

Irena was startled. “Me?” she exclaimed.

“You’re the closest person to me.”

“I don’t understand. Why think about death?” She was mixing the two matters up.

“There’s no reason to think about death. But I … well, you know.”

“You’ll live for many years.”

“That’s true, but still.”

“I can’t.” She made the gesture of an obstinate child.

“We’ll talk about it later. There’s nothing to be afraid of. It’s simpler than you imagine.”

Irena hid her face in her hands, and Ernst retreated.

Irena was restless that night. Scraps of thoughts and images wandered through her head. The short conversations she would have with Ernst at the door always frightened her, and now it was as if the fear had come out of the darkness and shown her what reality was. If God had given her more words, she would have stood fast and said to Ernst, Don’t charge me with tasks that are beyond my strength. This work isn’t hard for me, but don’t unsettle my thoughts.

All night long Irena composed in her head sentences that she would say to Ernst in the morning. In the end she decided to say, I’m an uneducated woman. I can’t even write Hebrew without mistakes. I’m prepared to do physical work, but don’t give me tasks that I don’t have the power to do. I barely finished tenth grade.

But when she returned the next day and found Ernst wearing his gray suit, sitting in the armchair and reading a book, all the fears that had oppressed her during the night dispersed. Ernst ate breakfast and went out to the café. She was relieved. It appeared as though what had happened the day before at the door was just a passing nightmare, and now reality had returned to erase it.

For a long while Irena sat at the table and imagined Ernst’s struggles at night. His life and his writing had recently become one single thing. Some days the words respond to him, and other days he is helpless. When she sees him fail, she wants to cry out, Death is an illusion. It’s deceit. Don’t be afraid. We’ll always be together. There are days when something of her mother, perhaps something of her grandparents as well, overwhelms her. Then other words rise to her lips, and she feels strong.

After returning from the café, Ernst stood taller. The sights he took in on the way excited him. If he hears an unusual word or a proverb, he’s as pleased as if he had found a jewel.

“I prepared a light meal today,” Irena announced.

“I like light meals,” Ernst said. “All the meals you make are light and tasty.”

“Today there are squash dumplings.”

“As the Bible says, ‘A righteous man knows the soul of his animal.’ ”

22

THAT NIGHT BAD DREAMS PREYED ON IRENA’S SLEEP. SHE got out of bed several times and stood by the window to see whether the dawn had arrived. Ever since she had forgotten to visit her mother’s grave on the anniversary of her death, evil spirits were tormenting her.

As always in time of trouble, Irena clung to the two thin photo albums her parents had left her. She especially loves the photographs that survived from Europe. Her parents didn’t tell her much about the war. But before his death her father would open the album and go through it with her. Every photograph was a world in itself: their branch of Hashomer Hatsa’ir, the abandoned palace of Count Potocki, the stream that divided the village, the tall church that was painted green, the wooden synagogue. And at the center were her strong grandparents, God-fearing Jews who tilled the soil and who looked, outwardly, like Ukrainian peasants. Sometimes Irena feels that she, too, had been in their house, eaten their bread, and worked in their fields. Every time evil visions take hold of her, she says to herself, I mustn’t sink into them. I have a task, and I must stay on watch. But what can she do when Ernst’s surprising requests shock her? When he stands at the threshold and says, “What did I want to tell you?” she becomes dizzy with fear of the words that will come.

This morning, before leaving the house, Ernst once again scares Irena when he again asks her to burn his writings should something happen to him.

“I can’t take on that role.” Irena speaks boldly.

“If you won’t promise me, I’ll burn them myself.”

She raises her head. “Don’t do that.”

“I don’t want strangers to grope my writings.”

“Good God!” Irena exclaims, without knowing what she was saying.

While Ernst is out of the house, Irena involves herself in her work and tries to dispel the fears from her heart. She knows that in his condition she mustn’t defy him, that she must say, I’ll burn them, if only to give him relief. Yet it’s hard for her to say it. Her mother used to tell her that for the sake of reconciliation or to prevent sorrow one occasionally has to turn a blind eye or tell a lie. Telling the truth is sometimes harder than lying. Irena loved her mother and loved to listen to her. But she wasn’t able to absorb her practical life wisdom.

Ernst returns from the café with an ironic smile on his face. An Israeli publisher has agreed to publish a selection of his writings, but of course not for free. Ernst is required to put up three thousand dollars toward the expense of producing the book. For years his manuscripts bounced around from one publisher to another, and now, when an opportunity to publish them has finally arrived, Ernst isn’t satisfied with his writing. For many years — actually, since his youth — he has striven to tell the story of humanity itself. Ethnic details seemed restrictive and provincial to him. But now he knows that literature begins at the well you leaned over as a child and with the black fear that looked up at you from its depths. From the puppy you patted that turned out to be rabid. From racing to the clinic crowded with panic-stricken adults and screaming children, the doctor, holding a huge needle, baring your trembling belly and sticking the needle into it, your mother no less frightened than her child. This is where he should have begun, with the little details that have been soaked in the autumn rain, with his mother and father. If he had begun at that point, his life would have been different.

For a moment Ernst wonders what to say to Irena. Sometimes he thinks that Irena understands the torments of his writing no less than the pains of his body, and he wants to sit down and tell her about them in detail. But some days he is overcome by doubt, and he prefers not to share his insecurity with her.

“What’s the matter?” Irena asks when she sees that Ernst is upset.

“They decided to publish a few of my novellas.” He doesn’t keep it from her.

“That’s lovely, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know.” He doesn’t explain.

Irena doesn’t like to press him. When Ernst shuts off his words, she retreats to the kitchen and leaves him sitting in the armchair. It’s hard for her to see him in his daily struggles. It isn’t enough that he has to swallow nine pills every day; he compounds his trials by straining to write. But she has to admit that Ernst withstands them. He dresses carefully, goes out on his walks every day, and his expression doesn’t betray his pain.

Ernst is aware of everything around him — the local culture, the economy. The local culture doesn’t capture his heart. This is a country of refugees, and Ernst doesn’t believe that someone who has fled from his birthplace can create a new literature or new art forms in his adopted home. Even if they have become successful tillers of the soil, industrialists, or university lecturers, refugees will always remain part of the culture from which they came. This is why Ernst feels that the culture here is deracinated, that it’s just politics dressed up as literature.

One time, when Ernst expressed this opinion to one of the managers of the investment firm where he worked, the manager attempted to correct him.

“A new nation is growing up here,” the manager said.

“In what way is it new?” replied Ernst.

“Does this need an explanation?”

Irena listens and tries to understand Ernst’s opinion. She sees that he struggles day and night, pouring his soul into the long pages that lie on his desk. Why not rest a little from writing? she wants to cry out every time she sees his drained face.

That night Ernst writes a letter to the publisher. “I won’t conceal from you,” he says, “that I don’t regard my novellas as any good. I’m grateful to God that you delayed their publication. I would be very sorry if they were published.” He wants to read the letter to Irena, but in the end he decides not to bother her. He puts it into an envelope and immediately feels relieved.

23

ON PURIM IRENA PREPARES A PLATTER OF HAMANTASCHEN and dried fruit.

“In honor of what?” Ernst asks in surprise.

“In honor of Purim.”

“It’s nice that you remind me of the holiday.”

“My mother used to prepare mishlo’ach manot platters for the holiday, and I would bring them to the neighbors.”

“Didn’t you have any relatives?”

“We had a cousin in Bnei Brak. He died.”

After the meal, Irena serves Ernst a cup of tea. He samples one of the hamantaschen and says, “Very tasty. It reminds me of the hamantaschen my mother used to make for Purim.”

It is hard for Irena to imagine Ernst’s parents. They sound like people who were plucked out of one place but not planted in another and that sadness accompanied them into every corner. Once she saw his father in a dream, sprawled on the sofa, muttering, as though listing his sins. His mother approached the sofa, knelt, and said to him, It never was and never came to be; it was only a parable. Those words made an impression on his father, and he stopped muttering.

One time, curiosity overcoming her shyness, Irena asked Ernst, “Did your mother observe our traditions?”

“My mother was attached to the tradition of her fathers,” Ernst replied, “and she had a connection with some of the secrets of faith, but I had no understanding of her life. She was shackled to herself. I remember her face and her eyes but not her hands. When I left home, and she knew that I had gone over to the Party, she didn’t say a word to me. Once, when I was a boy, I asked her, ‘Mother, why don’t you talk?’ When she heard my question, sorrow creased her face. I didn’t understand my parents, neither their lives nor their struggle with themselves and with God. I was in a world of bombastic phrases then, of black and white, of reforming humanity, but I didn’t see my parents’ sorrow.”

Before Irena leaves the house, Ernst asks her for a glass of cognac and invites her to join him. Irena pours the two glasses, and they drink a l’chayim. Now she notices that the wastebasket is full of torn paper. In the morning he ripped up everything he had written during the night.

Ernst’s struggle seeps into Irena. Sometimes she feels that his battle is with despair. He talks about the years he wasted and about the scandalous results, but she senses that there is strength in his despair. At night he struggles with an essence that is much stronger than he is, and sometimes he prevails. The sharpness in his eyes in the morning is not a sign of frailty but of a strong will. Once he said to her, “Life is so full of contradictions. I’ll never understand it. But I want to describe it.”

“Do you believe in God?” she dared to ask.

“Yes, in the God of my fathers. It took me years. In my youth just the word ‘God’ repelled me.”

It’s hard for Irena to take in all of Ernst’s ideas. They are too elevated and inaccessible. She understands the God of her childhood. “God dwells everywhere,” her mother said. Since her mother told her that, she has imagined God dwelling in the peach trees that bloom in the spring or in the fig trees that drop their leaves along the road. But she especially feels God’s presence on Sabbaths and holidays. She puts a lot into getting her house ready to greet them. When she sits at her table on Friday night, she feels a great light enveloping her, and she prays in her heart that God will shine His face on Ernst and show him how to struggle with that dark monster that is trying to undermine him.

A week ago Ernst felt ill, and the doctor ordered him to lie in bed for several days. He obeyed, and one evening he said to Irena, “You have no idea how good it is to lie in bed and not to do a thing. To close my eyes and not think about anything.” Irena was alarmed by his words. It seemed to her that they were spoken in fatigue and an unwillingness to struggle. She was wrong. It was a moment of relief, of escape from depression. Working at night exhausts Ernst. After a night of looking for words and for their proper rhythm, his body weakens. The correct sound of the words sometimes evokes a melody. But usually the words are like gravel, and as hard as he labors, they don’t change their shape. Suddenly Ernst felt liberated from that burden. His body existed for itself, and his soul, too.

Over time Irena has developed strategies to draw Ernst out of his gloom. One of them is blintzes filled with cheese and raisins. She immediately announced, “I’m making blintzes.”

“Now?”

“Right away.”

Irena likes the way Ernst relaxes after a meal. Light shines from his face, and she feels a great closeness to him. At such times he may relate a story from his life. One time Ernst told her about his service in the Red Army. About the horses that bore him across the steppes of the Ukraine, about the brotherhood of soldiers, and about the powerful desire to live that pulsated throughout his unit. He walked over to the cupboard and took out a small box. In it were the medals of valor he had been awarded. “I loved the soldiers, and they loved me,” he said, and that distant memory filled his face.

24

HEAVY SNOW FELL IN EARLY MARCH, AND ERNST DIDN’T leave the house. He wanted to go out several times, but Irena persuaded him not to: the sidewalks were slippery and the winds were fierce, and he could trip.

“Sitting in the house without interruption blunts my thoughts.”

“What can I do?”

“Allow me to go out.”

When she heard that, she burst into tears.

“Irena, what’s the matter? I was just joking.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to say you’re sorry. I’m the one who has to apologize. You’re only thinking about what’s good for me, and instead of thanking you, I’m annoying you.”

Ernst is constantly struck by Irena’s simplicity. On March sixteenth she turned thirty-six, and in honor of the event Ernst wanted to take her out to dinner in a restaurant. But it was cloudy outside, so they celebrated at home.

Ernst lit two wax candles that he had prepared and handed her a present: a pendant studded with precious stones.

“You spend too much on me.” Irena allowed herself to use the familiar German “du” for “you” instead of the more formal “Sie.”

“It’s nothing.”

“It’s very expensive.”

Irena grilled fish and garnished it with vegetables. When she sits alongside him, Ernst wants to ask her about her life, about the lives of her parents, about the village they came from.

Sometimes he thinks that she preserves in her soul not only the events of her own life but also those of her parents’ lives.

On that festive evening in honor of Irena’s birthday, Ernst dared tell her, “Irena, you’re restoring my parents to me. I left them in a sinful haste.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You’ve preserved your own parents within yourself.”

“I don’t feel anything special.”

“You have the ways of someone who grew up close to her parents.”

“I don’t go to synagogue,” she said.

“But you have the tranquility of someone who prays.”

Irena was glad that Ernst was pleased with the meal and praised the work of her hands. But his insistence that, if something were to happen to him, she burn his manuscripts and inherit his house and his library frightened her. Nightmares don’t leave her alone. I can’t burn them, she wants to cry out. Order me to clean floors or polish sinks, but don’t order me to burn anything.

When a nightmare assails her, Irena gets out of bed, makes herself a cup of coffee, and reads the memorial albums her parents left her. As she reads them, it seems to her that she, too, was in their village, that she also greeted the Sabbaths and holidays, sat on the wooden bench alongside the door of the country house, and on Rosh Hashanah went to the river with everyone to perform the tashlikh ritual.

God, keep me from fear, she sometimes prays. The night before her birthday Ernst had appeared in her dream, dressed in his best suit, and demanded that she burn his manuscripts. She was so alarmed that she said, Your wish is my command, sir. And she knelt down.

But then the dream changed. Ernst was standing near the door, embracing her and pressing her to him. Irena loved his large body and its scent. This time she didn’t restrain herself. I want to be with you forever, she said.

Without a doubt, Ernst replied with kindness, but at some point we’ll have to part, just for a short time.

I refuse, she said, with an insistence that stunned Ernst.

In that case, your wish is my command, he said and lifted her in his arms.

25

ERNST WRITES AT NIGHT AND DOESN’T RIP UP THE PAPER. When a stack of paper is piled on his desk and he is content, Irena feels that soon he will lift her up again, and she will soar with him to other worlds. Sometimes it’s a tangled forest, and sometimes it’s one of the big cities where he lived in his youth. He speaks very little about the war. Irena knows that his parents, his first wife, Tina, and their daughter, Helga, perished on the banks of the Bug River during the war. Sometimes Irena feels that she knows them well and that she has played with Helga on a carpet.

Ernst always speaks with restrained fury about his second wife, but one time he lost his self-control. “Two monsters stood in my way in Israel,” he said, “the investment company and Sylvia. I don’t know which of the two was more damaging to me.”

Ernst is expressive. Even his silence is sharp. A few days ago he said to Irena, “I’m not afraid of death, but I’m repulsed by degeneration. A person should disappear modestly, without disturbing anyone. Slow death is a curse. If I knew how to pray, I would pray for a quick death.” Ernst sometimes says, “If I knew how to pray.” Why does he say, “If I knew”? Irena wonders. How hard is it to pray?

Two days ago Irena had a long, clear dream. She saw Ernst from a distance, holding his knee, trying to soothe a pain. But as she approached him, her error became apparent. Ernst wasn’t in pain. He was wearing a splendid uniform, walking with quick steps toward the entrance of a palace.

Irena, he said to her when he noticed her standing on the sidewalk, why are you standing on the side? Why don’t you join the ceremony?

I’d rather stand here. I can see from here, too.

But you won’t be able to see the ceremony in the palace.

I’ll hear it on the loudspeaker.

But you have to sit next to me. I want to pass all the documents on to you.

Irena was frightened and said, I don’t want to receive anything. I’ve received far too much. I don’t need anything.

Ernst lowered his head and said softly, It’s a simple transfer, much simpler than you imagine. The orchestra immediately started playing.

Irena awoke from her dream and wanted to go to Ernst right away. But it was early, so she made herself a cup of coffee. Since Ernst spoke to her about his papers, the nightmares return regularly, a mixture of celebration and dread.

Irena wanted to arrive early that morning, but in the end she was half an hour late.

“I’d begun to worry about you,” Ernst greeted her. “You’re always early.”

“Forgive me.”

“Why are you asking to be forgiven?”

That morning Ernst was in a good mood, and after breakfast he put some papers in the pocket of his three-quarter coat and went out to the café. Irena knew that this time he would sit in the café and write down some of his thoughts. “My thoughts run away from me,” he sometimes complains. When he’s in a good mood, he speaks about himself in the third person, saying, “Ernst is a fool. He’s sure that if he wears the three-quarter coat, the coat will make him walk. He thinks it’s possible to make the years go away. The years are visible in every step and wrinkle.” And sometimes, to tease Irena, who when speaking to him uses the formal German “Sie,” which means “they,” he says, “Who are those people you’re talking to? There’s just one person here, and you have to talk to me directly.” Irena understands him, but it’s hard for her to use the informal “du.”

The day was bright and pleasant. Ernst went out in a good mood and returned happy. Irena prepared lunch, and at four o’clock she served him mint tea and went home.

All the way home she said to herself, Ernst is pleased with his writing, and that’s why he’s in a good mood. When she reached her apartment, she immediately lit two colored candles as a sign of gratitude that her efforts didn’t disappoint him. For a long time she sat and watched the candles. She saw Ernst leaning over his papers, and she was filled with gratitude and joy. That night she washed and went to bed early, and her sleep was untroubled.

But for Ernst the night didn’t go well. After midnight thieves broke into his house, tied him up, and covered his mouth with a bandage. Ernst resisted and paid a heavy price. The robbers beat him. When Irena arrived in the morning, and she came early, her eyes darkened in distress. The front door was smashed in, the cupboards were open, papers were scattered. Irena found Ernst lying tied up in the back room, his face as white as a sheet. She peeled the bandage off his mouth, untied the ropes on his hands and feet, and with a voice that wasn’t her own, she cried, “Ernst!”

Ernst opened his eyes, but his voice failed him. Irena immediately rinsed his face and called a doctor. The doctor arrived, and the police came after him. The house, which had until then known only silence and suppressed struggles, was now laid open. Detectives poked around in every corner, and a police officer tried in vain to get Ernst to say something.

The doctor sent for an ambulance to bring Ernst to the hospital without delay. Irena went with him. By noon the X-rays revealed his injuries: a fractured right leg and two cracked ribs.

Later Ernst was asked again, “What do you remember?”

“Nothing,” he said, shrugging his shoulders.

Irena didn’t move from his bedside. He now looked to her like a wounded soldier who had returned from the front. She knew that because of his Communist past, when war was declared he had been assigned to an accelerated officers’ course and then sent into battle. For a year and a half he had been on active duty and had apparently been an outstanding soldier. Once he said to her, “Too bad I didn’t continue in the army. That was a healthy struggle. Any other struggle is against yourself.”

Ernst was in pain and asked for a sedative. After receiving it, he sank into a deep slumber. If he would only awaken, Irena thinks, he would tell her about the war: about the front and about the artillery that shelled the German headquarters without letup.

26

ERNST’S RECOVERY IS SLOW. IRENA STAYS AT HIS SIDE, even at night. In vain he tells her, “Go and rest.” Her devotion is a combination of quietness and patience. Her eyes don’t leave his face, and her ears are attentive to his breathing. Pills and injections sooth his pains for two or three hours at a time, but after midnight they return and awaken him. Irena quickly gives him a pill, and if that doesn’t work, she asks a nurse to give him an injection. Irena imagines his sleep to be like that creature he battles at night at his desk.

After a week of intermittent sleeping and wakefulness, Ernst’s face is still pale and his jaws still sunken, but the spark of life has returned to his eyes. He tries to get out of bed. Irena hands him crutches, and he grabs them, raises himself, and stands up.

“Another trial,” he says and begins to walk toward the bathroom.

Now, too, it seems Ernst remembers nothing of what had happened to him. Irena tells him that robbers broke into his apartment and stole his wallet and his watch.

“And they didn’t touch my books or manuscripts?”

“They just scattered them.”

“Quite a robbery!” he says and chuckles.

Interesting, Irena says to herself. It’s important for him to know that the manuscripts weren’t destroyed, which means that they’re important to him. Why did he order me to burn them?

Many thoughts go through her mind, but they don’t for a moment distract Irena from her devotion to Ernst. She is entirely given over to him. Although the sparkle has returned to his eyes, his thoughts are still scattered and jump from one thing to another. One night he tells her again about his service in the Red Army. She has noticed: Ernst doesn’t tell a story all at once. First he prepares the heart, traces the framework, and gradually brings the images into it.

“I was at the front for a year and a half. They were marvelous times. I loved the soldiers, and they loved me. They were downtrodden, most of them were drunkards, and they revered Stalin and Jesus. Their ideas were a mixture of Communist propaganda and the beliefs that their mothers transmitted to them in secret. I was with them from the Ukraine to Berlin, and we felt that we were chopping down the writhing Nazi monster that extended up to Stalingrad and from there was trying to dominate all of Russia. Our cannons thundered and our tanks raced forward, and the sense of destruction swept us along and delighted us. Every one of us, Jew and non-Jew, was wounded. This one had lost a brother, that one, his mother. We were fired up with feelings of vengeance that drove us and urged us on. They called us the ‘iron panthers,’ and we really were panthers.

“In those marvelous days we forgot the evil of communism; we were united by one impulse: to drive out the twisted Nazi serpent. After conquering a village, a provincial city, or a railway station we would celebrate and get drunk. Plundering was the order of the day; drunkenness was widespread. Women were raped in houses and yards, but we felt that we were cutting the Nazi serpent into pieces.

“But after that, at the end of the war, on the golden beaches of Naples, on the way to Israel, I lost my will. That was when the first seeds of despair were sown. At first I didn’t know it was despair. It appeared as though the other refugees were in despair, not I.”

Ernst continues telling his story, but after half an hour he begins to doze off. When he’s asleep, the firmness in his face doesn’t fade. Irena prays with all her heart that he’ll recover, that he’ll return to his desk and to his enchanting habits. Once when he woke up he told her, “I didn’t understand that it was just the beginning of the struggle then.”

“What is the struggle about?” Irena wants to know more.

“About having a clean mind and a life with a purpose.”

Ernst dozes for most of the day. One time he uttered a few long sentences, complex and incomprehensible. Another time he shouted, “We will drive out the serpent no matter what!” Irena was alarmed and approached him cautiously. Now his sleep is sound, like that of a soldier. Soon they’ll wake him, or he’ll wake himself up. Without delay he will put on his uniform and set out for his unit. Apparently the unit is already standing in formation, ready for his orders.

27

A WEEK AGO IT APPEARED AS THOUGH ERNST WOULD BE fully recovered in a few days. This proved to be merely wishful thinking on Irena’s part. Ernst still writhes in pain, and his heart is not beating as regularly as it had been before the attack. But in between stabs of pain he engages in conversation with Irena. Usually he talks and Irena listens. Sometimes she asks him about a word or a concept. Ernst in the hospital is a different Ernst. Now one can see him as the Red Army officer that he once was. He doesn’t grumble about his pain but jokes about it instead. It’s annoying, he says, not only denying him movement but also forcing him to deal with his body and to trouble the people around him. A person ought to be self-sufficient and not bother a whole medical staff, he says. If Ernst knew how much Irena yearned to help him, he would not refer to her efforts as “trouble.”

“Is she your daughter?” one of the nurses asked, observing Irena’s devotion.

Ernst wasn’t put off by the question. “Does she look like me?” he asked.

“A lot.”

“Then she’s my daughter.”

One evening, when the pain had subsided, Ernst spoke about his parents again. “It seemed to me then,” he said, “that they were competing with each other, who could keep silent longer. I had plenty of words then, words from the books I read and words that the Party stuffed me with. When I would open my mouth and talk, they would both stand there and wonder where I had gotten so many words. I didn’t understand the meaning of their silence, and this would drive me crazy. I was sure that only someone who presents facts, analyzes them, and explains them was worthy of being counted as part of the human race; the others were clods who had to be guided and taught. I admired explainers, people with a doctrine who knew what was good and what was bad. I thought stammering was a flaw. I was sure that one day they would send all the stammerers to special schools to correct their speech. There were months when I ignored my parents, as if they didn’t exist. They didn’t dare ask me what I was doing or what I planned to do. I saw their silence as annoying inertia and submission. I was glad to leave the house. Whenever I came to visit, my mother would stuff a banknote or two into my pocket, and that always stung, as if I had deceived them or stolen from them.

“I hated their passivity. ‘You have to coax customers,’ their neighbors kept advising them. ‘A customer won’t buy unless you coax him, show him, and convince him that the merchandise is good. Without persuasion, there are no sales.’ ‘Right,’ my father would say, but he didn’t change his ways. Not only were they both laconic; they also had an aversion to overdoing, to too much interference. I didn’t understand their focus on themselves, their way of walking about on tiptoes, their constant mindfulness. Everything within them was derived from fear, from prolonged, static ignorance, from an unwillingness to adhere to great beliefs and take action on behalf of the general good. All I saw was how miserable they were. Only over the past few years did I come to understand that my parents bore within them an ancient heritage from which they had been cut off. Perhaps they themselves didn’t realize it, but their behavior bespoke a nobility that had been diminished and had lost its value. Only during the past few months, in fact, did their silence palpably return to me. It was a silence born of a nobility that extended back for many generations, generations that have taught themselves this silence. They understood that life is short, incomprehensible, and ugly and that speaking didn’t necessarily add to understanding.

“Unfortunately, my parents had lost the positive silence of their ancestors, the silence that is prayer and connection with the God of their fathers. What remained with them was only a barren silence, without any connection to heaven, just a noble despair.”

Ernst stopped speaking, and Irena felt that this was a kind of pain that he had never before revealed to her.

Later he added, “They wanted to give me their soul and their might, but I didn’t know how to accept anything from them.”

28

ERNST’S RECOVERY IS SLOW, AND IT HAS ITS UPS AND downs. When the pain attacks him, he grits his teeth and bites his lip. He struggles with it and receives praise from the nurses and doctors. One time Irena was about to tell him, We’ll light a memorial candle on the anniversary of your parents’ death. They will come back and forgive you. Parents always forgive their children. When Irena has taken care to keep her house properly maintained and has gone to prostrate herself on her parents’ graves on the anniversaries of their deaths, she knows that ghosts won’t disturb her rest at night.

Irena has noticed that since Ernst has been in the hospital, his speech has been flowing in torrents; whenever the pain lets up, he talks about his parents, about his home, and about the distance between the house and the grocery store. The narrow space disturbs him. Irena doesn’t know how to respond or what to do to calm his spirit. On Sabbath eve, when she lights the candles, she prays and asks Ernst’s parents not to be angry with him, to speak slowly to him. He will listen to everything they say, but in the state he is in they mustn’t be angry with him. One evening, Irena went to Ernst’s house, dusted, washed the floor, and before leaving lit a memorial candle. Perhaps his parents would hear of this and forgive him.

Ever since Ernst told her about his parents at length, Irena has known no rest. She listens to his thoughts, and she keeps trying to reach his parents in another way. She tries so hard that she can see them before her eyes: they are tall people, somewhat stooped, and wrapped in silence. There is no anger in their eyes, just the perplexity of forgiveness. When they draw near to Irena, she wants to say to them: Ernst is looking for you. He has been looking for you for years. What should I tell him? They look back at her, and their confusion increases. But they have no words.

Of course Irena tells Ernst nothing about these secret contacts; nevertheless, he seems to feel that she is trying very hard to raise his parents up from the depths. Every morning, when he opens his eyes and sees Irena, he says, “Why don’t you go to sleep?”

“I slept.”

“But you’re always at my side.”

“I slept for three hours straight.”

Sometimes it appears to Irena that he, too, is trying to reach his parents with all the strength of his pain, and she wants to tell him, There can be no doubt that you’ll reach them one day. The path is unpaved, but longing can reach any place. You aren’t alone. There’s someone watching over you. Ernst is aware of her efforts, and he says to her, “Thank you, Irena.”

“What are you thanking me for?”

“For sitting by my side.”

“I’m not doing anything.”

“You’re doing more than I deserve.”

“You deserve every help.”

Sometimes Ernst speaks about his writing, about the many nights he has invested in digging up the wrong wells.

“For years I didn’t understand why the wells were dry. I thought that if I dug deeper, I’d find a living spring.”

Once he told her, “I have to go home urgently.”

“To which home?”

“To my parents’ home.”

You’ll go there. You have already been going there, she was about to say, but she didn’t say it.

Irena knows that Ernst doesn’t like useless consolations, ornamental words, or hollow expressions. Once he told her something that she will never forget: “Words that aren’t connected to pain aren’t words, but fluff. For so many years I went to places where I didn’t belong, with words that didn’t grow from within me.” What did he mean by “words that didn’t grow from within me”? Irena wanted to ask. Ernst sensed this and said, “Words that don’t grow out of one’s pain.”

29

THERE IS ANOTHER SETBACK IN ERNST’S RECOVERY. THIS time it’s his heart. “When I get home, I’ll be a different man,” he says. How will he be different? Irena wonders. In any case, she will light a memorial candle in his house, too. Her parents were very particular about Holocaust Remembrance Day. They used to fast and sit at home next to the memorial candles and read memorial albums. When the Zalachov memorial album was published, they bought three copies. They sent one copy to their cousin in Bnei Brak and placed two copies in the bookcase. There were articles in the book about Zalachov before and during the war, and a long article about the survivors who gathered after the war.

Holocaust Remembrance Day was like Yom Kippur in their home. Irena’s parents weren’t particular about observing all the commandments. In fact, they kept only a few of them, but the few they kept gave the house an air of exaltation and secrecy. This was especially felt on Holocaust Remembrance Day and on Yom Kippur. There was always something of Irena’s grandparents in her parents’ ways, even in how they sat at the table or kept silent. They didn’t intentionally conduct themselves like their parents, but their parents’ mannerisms were stored up inside them. If they said a blessing, they did it the way their parents had done it.

“What are you thinking about?” Ernst surprises her again.

“About Holocaust Remembrance Day.” She doesn’t keep it from him.

“Is Holocaust Remembrance Day coming?”

“In a month.”

Ernst has noticed that Irena also speaks about the Holocaust with astonishing simplicity. There were years when he didn’t talk about it at all. He was convinced that writing about the Holocaust was impossible, forbidden. He found firm supporters for this opinion. The philosopher Theodor Adorno, for example, claimed that writing poetry after Auschwitz was “barbaric.” Ernst accepted this without challenge.

All the texts for Holocaust Remembrance Day sound clumsy to him, meaningless and, even worse, grotesque: a bunch of hacks and politicians spouting trite words, carrying torches, and glorifying the partisans. If that’s the way people talk about the Holocaust, then I won’t talk about it, he would say to himself. And indeed, he kept his silence.

When Ernst married Sylvia, he found a true partner in his feelings. She, too, had cut herself off from her parents and hated their tribe — its way of life and its beliefs. Every Jewish book, every custom — not to mention weddings and bar mitzvah celebrations, Simhat Torah, and funerals — drove her out of her mind.

“The Zionists talked about a free people, about normalcy. Where’s the freedom? Where’s the normalcy? Everything is done here as it was done in the shtetl,” she protested. Her physical beauty and her blunt language combined to give her a wild power. When their fights grew more frequent, first about trivial matters and later about his writing, Ernst felt that her hostility was full of poison.

One day he couldn’t restrain himself. “Monster!” he shouted at her. Sylvia gave as good as she got and screamed back at him. “You sickening skeptic! Incurable busybody! Paper eater!” Ernst had only one word, and he repeated it every time they fought: “Monster!” When she heard it, her mouth would fly open and a flood of invective would pour out. In time he was to say: “How could I have lived with that human beast?”

After Ernst separated from Sylvia, it seemed to him that his writing, which had proceeded hesitantly all those years, with infinite drafts, would now come together and flow. There were a few encouraging signs, but they proved to be only ephemeral. Ernst’s imagination drifted in a chaotic, insubstantial world. Every time he thought about his parents or the grandparents who lived in the Carpathian Mountains, he would push their memory aside.

Not until Irena’s arrival did Ernst understand that his parents, Tina, and Helga, who had detached themselves from him and who now lived in the world of water, would gather together on Holocaust Remembrance Day with other tormented victims. Despite the awkward ceremonies, on that day they would have a tiny resurrection.

A few days ago Ernst saw the Bug River in a nightmare. In it were his parents, Tina, and Helga. For a moment it appeared as though they were bathing in quiet water. Around them floated people whom he knew well, though he couldn’t remember their names. He was about to address them, the way he used to address an audience as a commissar on the first of May or on the anniversary of the revolution, and proclaim, Comrades, we are nearing the day when you who are living eternally in the River Bug and we who are on its banks will intermingle, and there will be no barrier between us. But in the middle of the dream he woke up and grabbed Irena’s hand.

30

ERNST HAS RECOVERED: HIS BLOOD TESTS, BLOOD PRESSURE, and EKG are all normal. Soon they will remove the cast from his leg. As for his constant sleeping, the doctors say that it’s curative. Irena knows that the struggle he has been engaged in for so many months has changed its location; now it’s being waged in his sleep. Ernst’s sleep is chock-full of bits and pieces, and every few minutes he wakes up and utters a few words or sentences.

It’s hard for Irena to understand whether Ernst is talking about his life or about his writing. His writing preoccupies him no less than his life. Over the past few days she has heard him murmur: “Facts, facts, and not descriptions. An overabundance of details only blurs the main point. The prose of the Bible has to be a model for any writer.”

One time when he awakened he said, “My best years were when I was in the Red Army. You know who’s a friend and who’s a foe. The soldiers are your sons, and the enemy is the serpent you have to drive out. The grief is great and it is difficult, but your thoughts are clear. There are few doubts, and they don’t gnaw at you. You do your duty, and at night, even when the cannons thunder, you sleep the sleep of the righteous.”

That night Ernst told Irena that after his demobilization from the Red Army he fled to Italy, and from there he was about to sail to Australia. A lot of people were going to Australia and New Zealand then, and it seemed to him that the distant continent would make his heart forget his life. “I didn’t go to Australia because a ship had docked in Naples that was gathering refugees on their way to Palestine. And so, almost by chance, I arrived here.”

Meanwhile, Irena is preparing the apartment for Ernst’s return. The thought that life would soon return to its routine thrills her. Ernst’s injury and slow recovery brought her closer to him through his sleep. From his sleep she learns whether his pain persists or has begun to subside.

One night he told her, “If I had destroyed everything I had written at the right time, perhaps I could have started afresh. Since I didn’t destroy it, I can’t begin again. I saved my labor, even though I knew it was fruitless labor.”

Later that night he awoke and said, “Forgive me, Irena.”

“For what?”

“For asking you to destroy my manuscripts.”

“Why?”

“A person should do that kind of thing by himself and not via an agent.”

Irena was momentarily relieved, although she understood that his earlier request had disturbed him. Don’t worry, she almost said to him, whatever you command me to do, I’ll do.

In her heart Irena knew that submission of this sort would not please him. More than once Ernst had said to her, sometimes in a tone of reproach, “You work too much. You have no life of your own. Complete self-abnegation isn’t a good trait.” Occasionally Irena feels that Ernst wants to expel her from his life. She is mistaken, of course. He is in fact becoming increasingly attached to her.

Sometimes he says: “I miss our house, waking up and knowing that in a little while you’ll come and make me breakfast. Since the end of the war, I’ve been struggling. But now I’m not alone.” Those declarations frighten her, and she wants to tell him, Not because of me. I’m a simple woman. But in her heart she preserves every word that comes from his mouth.

Irena has thoroughly cleaned the apartment. For the first time she looks closely at Ernst’s manuscripts. There are eight thick folders and four envelopes containing clean manuscripts, orderly, with headings. Ernst has occasionally said of these manuscripts that they are full of flaws and need to be rewritten. The harshest word he used was “counterfeit.”

Irena doesn’t understand how they are flawed. Ernst’s devotion to his work — and this she could testify to in any court — is complete, and without respite. Day and night he toils at his writing. But for the most part he tears up and throws into the wastebasket what he has written, leaving very little. It isn’t a pointless devotion, she says to herself, rejecting Ernst’s severity.

A few nights earlier, as Irena sat at Ernst’s bedside, she shut her eyes and fell asleep. In her dream she was in a courtroom. It was almost empty, lit here and there with patches of sun. Ernst sat in the defendant’s seat, alongside two lawyers. It all looked official but also frightening, perhaps because of the dim light that surrounded the empty benches. The prosecutor made accusations. Irena didn’t understand a single word from the many that he fired off.

Suddenly, Irena was called to the witness box. I’m here by mistake, she wanted to say. I don’t know how to testify. But the judge, seeing her hesitation, glared angrily at her, and so she stepped forward.

How many years have you known the accused? the prosecutor asked her.

Two and a half years, she said, glad that there were words in her mouth with which to reply.

What do you know about the accused? asked the prosecutor, without raising his voice.

Ernst speaks very little, sir. Irena spoke cautiously, as though handling a fragile vessel.

Nevertheless, what did you hear? What did he say? And what did he talk about?

He mainly accuses himself, she said and was glad she had found the appropriate words.

What does he accuse himself of?

That his writing is full of flaws.

And what else?

Mainly that.

Irena awoke from her nightmare. Ernst was sleeping quietly, the lights in the rooms were dim, and the other patients near him were sleeping peacefully. But Irena wasn’t at ease. She could still see the courtroom. She didn’t feel completely awake, and she was afraid that she would soon be called upon to testify again. That fear got her to her feet.

Ernst opened his eyes. “Why don’t you go to sleep?”

“I’ve slept more than enough.”

“Go home, my dear.”

“I’m not tired,” she said, laughing softly to herself.

31

THE NEXT DAY ERNST IS RELEASED FROM THE HOSPITAL and returns home. Irena had prepared the house carefully. Ernst is surprised. “Everything is in its place. I didn’t imagine that I’d ever be back here.”

“Now let’s celebrate,” Irena says, and she takes a cheesecake out of the refrigerator, like the one she had made for him on his seventieth birthday.

“Irena …” He doesn’t hold back his gratitude.

“Thank God you’ve come home.”

“I don’t know how to recite blessings, and I don’t think that I ever will.”

Irena doesn’t understand his comment. She remembers her dream and says, “Last night I had a dream about you.”

“About me?”

“You were in a courtroom.”

“And I was found not guilty?” He is eager to know.

“You were very quiet, and you smiled every once in a while.”

“Irena!” he cries out.

“What?” She raised her voice, as though she had been caught in a regrettable error.

“Why did you light candles?”

“On a holiday it’s customary to light candles, isn’t it?”

“What holiday is it today?”

“Isn’t your return home a holiday?”

On Passover Irena sets the table for the holiday. Ernst is very moved.

“I would like to say the blessings,” he says, “but I don’t know the melodies.”

“It’s just nice to sit at a Passover table,” Irena says.

Strange, Ernst says to himself, Sabbaths and holidays brighten Irena’s face, but they only depress me. I must have inherited this depression from my father.

“My father didn’t like holidays,” he can’t resist telling her. “My mother would set the Passover table exactly the way it had been set in her parents’ house, but that meticulousness embarrassed my father. He would skip things when he read the Haggadah, close his eyes, and sink into himself. His separation from his father and mother apparently pained him, but he didn’t talk about it. Sometimes in the middle of the Seder he would rouse himself and start singing.

“In the Party everything was in a ferment. Our activities were festive and full of energy, and they took place in the fields, in barns, and on riverbanks. For obvious reasons we weren’t called the Communist Youth but, rather, the Progressive Culture Club.

“By the age of twelve we had already learned to hate religious Jews. We would watch the way they hurried to the synagogue, speaking to one another in whispers, trading merchandise or promissory notes. The young commissars explained to us that no act of the Jews was pure. Everything was done with cunning or deceit. Helping the poor didn’t count with them, only performing rituals.

“We were organized into sections. Each section was divided into squads, and each squad had five members. We were supposed to steal from the Jewish stores. We would distribute the stolen goods to the needy in the poor part of the neighborhood. The mission had to be planned well. We would watch the store owner for a few days and figure out the opening and closing times. We would choose stores that didn’t have thick grilles or bolted doors. We didn’t examine only the doors and windows but also the narrow openings to the basements. We quickly learned that even a narrow opening offered an excellent gap that we could wriggle through.

“Usually we succeeded, but if we were caught, the section leader would hold an inquiry. If it turned out there had been a flaw in the plan, they would put the squad leader on trial, and sometimes the whole squad. It was like the army, and sometimes more serious. We often broke down the door of a store, and to cover our tracks we would burn down the store after robbing it.

“The violence was accompanied by a feeling of justice. We weren’t stealing for ourselves, but for the poor. The stolen goods would be delivered to the poor neighborhood at night, and there we would distribute it according to a list.”

Irena listens. It’s hard for her to understand this tangled reasoning, but in her heart she feels that the flaws Ernst keeps talking about haven’t yet been corrected in his writing.

A few days after he returns from the hospital, Ernst begins to talk about his summer vacations with his grandparents in the Carpathians. They dressed in long smocks, just like the peasants, and they were attached heart and soul to the fields of grain and the orchards. That was before the Communists arrived and confused everyone. The Communist years erased, among other things, those splendid sights. Ernst saw marvelous things during his visits to the Carpathians. But exactly what he saw is hard for him to say now. He makes an effort to remember.

Several times Irena finds Ernst drunk and merry when she arrives in the morning. She fears his drunkenness, and because of it she stays longer in his house. In truth, she feels that she has to stay with him to watch over him.

On one of his drunken nights Ernst embraced Irena. “You are my light,” he said. “You brought me everything that was stolen from me.” Irena was stunned but not frightened. His big body felt solid but also had a great gentleness, and she felt his hands on her, and his breath.

When she returned home that night, Irena couldn’t sleep. She walked from room to room and finally sat down and read the diary of Etty Hillesum, a Dutch woman who had died in the Holocaust. In her young life she had known many men and also a powerful love of God. Love of God and love of people are the same thing, Irena decided, but then became alarmed by this thought.

32

ERNST’S SCHEDULE HAS CHANGED. HE SPENDS MOST OF the day at home and goes out to the café in the afternoon. He no longer issues his commands upon leaving the house. Irena is frightened by this restraint and worries that he might destroy his manuscripts himself. When Ernst returns from the café, supper is ready. After the meal Irena offers him a glass of grapefruit juice, or tea and cake. If Ernst accepts, she stays for a few minutes and then goes home.

Since Ernst’s injury, Irena has neglected her own house. Still, once a week she vacuums the carpets and washes the floor. When she’s finished with her errands, she sits at the table and reads a book. Sometimes she feels that her parents’ presence in the house has diminished in the past months, as if they have realized that she is now given over entirely to Ernst. It pains Irena that her parents have distanced themselves. Don’t worry, she heard her mother say one night, we’ve withdrawn because we don’t want to disturb your thoughts. We’re as close to you as ever. You don’t disturb me, she wanted to answer, but the words wouldn’t leave her mouth.

It’s pleasant for Irena to think about her parents. Her parents aren’t a memory for her, but a warm closeness. She tells them everything that her heart tells her. She doesn’t conceal feelings or thoughts from them, but since she started working for Ernst, her parents have been closing themselves off from her, as if they were embarrassed by their limited education. Now Irena tries to bring them back, to seat them in their usual places in the living room or the kitchen.

It is actually easy to bring them back. They now sit where they always sat. They don’t ask what or how, as they sometimes used to when they were still alive. They are intensely attentive. Everything that Irena tells them interests them, and it’s evident that they are content with the way she keeps the house.

She tells them what happened to Ernst, about the burglary and his injury. She wants to relate it all in an orderly way, and for a moment it seems to her that she can do it in an uninterrupted flood of words, but the words are able to form only a few sentences. She concludes by saying, Ernst told me about his time in the Communist youth movement.

The Communist youth movement was the worst, her parents say. They would burn holy books and synagogues. Didn’t we tell you that they tried twice to burn down the two synagogues of Zalachov? The synagogues were saved by Ukrainian peasants, who drove off the Communists.

And didn’t Hashomer Hatsa’ir burn holy books? Irena asks.

In Hashomer Hatsa’ir they held bonfires on Yom Kippur and wild parties, but they didn’t burn holy books.

Ernst regrets it now, Irena says, defending him.

And rightly so, her father says, rising from his seat. Irena knows that her father is unwilling to forgive those sins of Ernst’s youth. She had heard Ernst say more than once: We distressed our parents, who had done nothing wrong. They were honest people, hardworking, loyal to the faith of their fathers. Both in the ghetto and in the camps, they observed even the minor commandments.

While Irena was still a child, her parents used to compare the Communist youth to Hashomer Hatsa’ir in Zalachov, and their conclusion was that both movements had treated the faith of their fathers brutally. But the Communists went too far.

Ernst is an author, not a Communist. Irena tries to appease them.

What does he write about?

About his life.

Let’s hope he’s not writing against the Jews.

Irena clearly recalls Holocaust Remembrance Day in their home. Twenty-seven memorial candles burned in the kitchen. Her parents fasted and took on a vow of silence for the day. Her mother would lie on the sofa and groan now and then. In her last year of life Irena’s father begged her to break her fast and drink a glass of water. Irena’s mother responded without opening her eyes and with a strange movement of her head. “Nothing will happen to me,” she said.

Usually her parents depart after an hour or two. They leave suddenly, without warning, which momentarily frightens Irena. In the past she believed that by doing this they were expressing dissatisfaction with her way of keeping the house. Of course that fear was groundless. They had never once uttered even a word of criticism. They always apologized for not bringing flowers.

After her parents depart, Ernst appears in front of Irena again. One time she saw him drifting on the river, trying to stop the boat he was on. It was obvious that he was expending great effort, but the boat didn’t stop. In vain he steered it toward the bank, but the current was stronger than he was. Finally, he raised one oar in a gesture of protest and shouted. But the next day, when Irena told Ernst what she had dreamed, he just smiled and said, “In my youth we used to row on the river.”

Since Ernst returned from the hospital, another matter has been troubling Irena: his medicine. Every four hours she hands him his pills. But she forgot several times, and this torments her. Ernst swallows the pills and explains to Irena that his writing was flawed because spite and didactic thinking distorted it, and now it’s hard to correct. “Every night I try to uproot the poisonous weeds, but there’s still a lot of work to do. The Russian authors knew how to love their people, together with their pain and their wounds. Why does that effort cost me blood?”

Irena has heard these arguments before. But since Ernst’s return from the hospital, they have become more strident. Irena wants to tell him, You mustn’t be angry at yourself, but she doesn’t say it. She feels his intense closeness now, and every time she touches his hand or he touches her neck, her nights are stormy. One evening he grabbed her and, without any warning, kissed her leg.

33

ERNST IS WRITING FEVERISHLY NOW, AND HE HAS EVIDENTLY connected with distant worlds. Since his return from the hospital, the sharp gleam has returned to his eyes. When Irena arrives in the morning, he lifts his eyes up from his papers. “And what did you bring me from the outside world?” he asks. Irena tells him what happened to her on the way there, what she saw in the bakery, and whom she met.

Yesterday, Ernst asked Irena whether her father used to pray. The question greatly embarrassed her. Her father didn’t pray regularly, but several times a year he would wrap himself in his tallis, put on his tefillin, and begin to pray and weep. Irena was fearful at this sight of her father, and when she would ask her mother why he was praying that way, she was given no clear answer. She wouldn’t dare ask her father. In her heart she was sorry she had touched upon this secret of his. There are things one mustn’t speak about, she would say to herself, and when she said it, her father would appear again, wrapped in his tallis, weeping and keening. Her mother would sit in the kitchen with her face in her hands, frightened. When her father finished his prayer, she wouldn’t go to him or say anything; this was his secret, and she had no part in it.

One evening Ernst tells Irena that a great stone has been rolled off his heart, and perhaps now the route would be clear. Irena knows the word “route,” but she has never used it that way. What route? she is almost tempted to ask. She knows that if Ernst wants to explain, he’ll do so. If he doesn’t explain, that means that he’s in the midst of his work and his thoughts haven’t yet fully matured. When Irena returns home that night, she lights a candle and prays in her soul for Ernst’s recovery to be rapid and for him to find his way in his writing.

Irena knows that writing is Ernst’s arena. For years the devil stood in his way and blocked him with obstacles. Not very long ago Ernst explained to her at length that all his efforts to reach the “hidden source” had been in vain. Without access to that source, there was no point to his work.

Irena doesn’t know what that “hidden source” is, but she doesn’t think that it’s pain or guilt or regret but a spring of living water. Clear water, which one draws up from the depths, possesses a virtue that opens the heart.

Since Ernst told her this, Irena has prayed for God to lead him on the right path, to place the right words in his pen. She feels that because of his weakness, he needs more help. Lighting the candle and praying bring Irena’s day to a close. Afterward, she sits at the table and reads a book or dozes off.

One morning Ernst tells her, “I have returned to the Carpathians.”

“How is it there?” she asks.

“As it was, with no change.”

“When were you last there?”

“At the age of eight.”

That’s very moving, she almost says, but she immediately remembers that Ernst doesn’t like words such as “moving.”

“Irena, what’s your earliest memory?” He asks her directly.

“I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you know?”

“My parents told me a lot about the DP camp in Frankfurt. Sometimes I think that I remember things from the age of two, but that can’t be.”

“For me the Carpathians have been wiped out of my memory. I’m amazed at how that happened to me.”

“Are you pleased?”

“I don’t know what to tell you.”

Ernst usually expresses his opinions clearly, but on some days surprise grips him, or weakness, and he openly admits, “I don’t know what to tell you.”

Irena wants to help him, but she doesn’t know how. At times she has the feeling that it would be better not to mix in. Too much talk could disturb the direction of his thoughts.

Sometimes Irena thinks that if she read more, she could understand Ernst’s efforts. Her parents left her shelves filled with books: memorial volumes, survivor testimony, and diaries. Since they passed away, she has bought a few more books, and in the evening she looks through them. Some of them — the diary of Anne Frank and the diary of Moshe Flinker*—she reads over and over again.

As she reads, Irena pictures the cities and villages where the Jews were trapped and envisions herself trying to escape with her parents. When she reads Primo Levi’s If This Is a Man, she sees her parents trudging through the heavy snow in Auschwitz, their legs swollen. From books she learns what her parents didn’t tell her. They actually told her very little. Had she known what they went through, she would have loved them more. You have to hold the people who were in Auschwitz in your arms and love them morning, noon, and night, she once said to herself with great feeling.

* Moshe Flinker was a Jewish teenager from the Netherlands who kept a diary during World War II. He and his parents were killed in Auschwitz in 1944. (Ed.)

34

ERNST HAS WRITTEN ALL NIGHT. WHEN IRENA ARRIVES IN the morning, she finds him sitting at his desk. His face is open, and his forehead glows. For a moment she wants to say, You mustn’t work all night. Working without a break will weaken you. But seeing his enthusiasm, she keeps her mouth shut.

Irena is frightened by Ernst’s enthusiasm. And, indeed, after days of increased effort come days of depression and darkness. Sometimes she thinks it’s her fault: she doesn’t have welcoming words. What comes out of her mouth barely forms a coherent sentence, and sometimes it’s only broken syllables.

Irena rushes to serve Ernst breakfast. He doesn’t ask how she is or what happened to her on her way there. He mutters a few words, eats hurriedly, and goes back to his desk. When Ernst is immersed in his writing, it seems to Irena that he is swimming in deep water. She can tell this by the way his head tilts, as though he were plunging and rising. When he’s done, he wraps his arms around himself.

About an hour after breakfast Ernst surprises Irena and reads aloud to her from what he had written:

Early in the morning Grandfather would open the eastern window, wrap himself in his tallis, and speak directly to God. I would lie in bed and see God approach the window. Grandfather’s face was hirsute, and his eyes were scarcely visible under thick eyebrows. He would pray in a whisper, but sometimes he would shout, too. While he prayed, Grandmother would stop her housework and sit at the table with her eyes shut. The mighty Lord was a constant guest in their house. After praying, Grandfather would slowly remove his tefillin. All that time Grandmother would sit attentively, and not until he closed the window would she rise to her feet.

After prayers, they would sit together at the table and eat breakfast. Grandmother would have baked a loaf of peasant bread and prepared dairy dishes, vegetables, and fried eggs. Grandfather would break off a piece of the bread and whisper the blessing. They used to eat from the same plate, without speaking. Sometimes Grandmother would ask Grandfather something, and he would reply briefly. Silence hovered over their meal. When he was finished eating, Grandfather would lower his head and recite the Grace After Meals.

One morning I lay on the broad wooden bed and saw the sun flood the kitchen and the dining alcove. I feared the arrival of angels, because the night before Grandfather had told me about the angels who came to visit Abraham.

I spent all my summer vacations with my grandparents. They were short vacations, but each hour was full and each had its own light. In the Carpathians, there is more shade than light, but during the summer, daylight extends until deep into the evening.

Grandmother would be busy cooking prune jam. Two copper pots were placed on an iron stand, and a wood fire licked them until they turned dark gray. Grandfather would sit and smoke a pipe as the sun set. He looked like a giant to me. If he rose to his feet, he would shake the tall trees that surrounded the house.

During one vacation, when I was nine, Grandfather died. When he was late for lunch, Grandmother went out to the field and found him lying on the ground. I saw her fall to her knees, slap his face, and cry out, “Mordechai, Mordechai!” I was standing at a distance and didn’t dare approach. When her efforts failed, she rose to her feet and asked one of the peasants to call the neighbors.

Within a short time people began to arrive, coming from every direction. They were Jews like Grandfather: tall and sturdy, with the fragrance of the earth and sap coming from their clothing. They surrounded the dead man, and some of them fell to their knees. The people of the Carpathians don’t die in their beds but in the field, in the vegetable patches, among rows of trees in the orchard, or sometimes next to a tree they were about to chop down. Both Grandfather’s father and his grandfather departed from the world in the field.

Everyone in the room was mourning, but there was no panic. The men did what they had to do, moving quietly and deliberately. Haste is not proper when performing a commandment. They drew water from the well and washed Grandfather according to the Jewish custom. Grandmother sat at the door of the house, withdrawn and not uttering a word. God gave and God took away. One doesn’t reproach the Creator of the world. Unfortunately the sons and daughters would not be able to escort their father to the World of Truth. They lived in distant cities, and one had sailed to America. There is nothing to fear: Grandfather is going to a place far from here, but he would not rest in heaven. The merit of his good deeds would assist his descendants whenever they were in distress.

The sun, whose light had filled the morning sky, suddenly departed, and low, dark clouds descended in its place. That was when I noticed Grandfather’s large hands, which delicately held his prayer book as though it was a fragile treasure. His height and strength only accentuated his gentle ways with people, but when he chopped wood in the yard, his power was thunderous.

By now people had come from all over and surrounded the house. Only the elderly heads of households were permitted to enter. The rest stood outside, close together. Some Ruthenian peasants gathered near the fence. For years they had worked on Grandfather’s small farm. They knew that Reb Mordechai was a God-fearing Jew who observed all the commandments and did not mind other people’s business. Only acts of violence would upset him. When he saw a Ruthenian peasant threaten his neighbor or his wife with an ax, he would intervene. “God dwells within us, and we mustn’t act with brute force,” he would say softly, and, amazingly, the peasant would put down his murderous tool.

The small tombstones in the cemetery were carved from basalt. The tall trees shed thick shadows on them and on the grass that grew around them. Suddenly the clouds parted, and a bright summer light scattered the shadows. The pallbearers stopped and lay the coffin on the earth.

One of the old men stood next to the coffin and, with his eyes closed, spoke to the dead man. “Here is a faithful servant of God,” he said, “who worked the soil all his life and took care to give tithes for the needy. God in heaven will receive Reb Mordechai with a glowing countenance. Just as he was connected to the earth, so, too, he was connected to heaven, making sure to pray to God three times a day. Reb Mordechai, remember your wife, Raisl, and your children, and help them from above.” As the old man finished speaking, his voice broke.

In a few minutes the grave was dug. Grandfather was laid in his grave, and the friable soil covered the coffin. For a long while those in attendance stood silently in the sunlight, next to the small headstones. Then I saw the Attending Angels. Their faces were like those of children, and they raised Grandfather from the mound and bore him to heaven. No one else noticed this miracle, which took place before my eyes. Everyone else stood silent and in pain, but no one saw what I did.

Irena is stunned by the final sentences, and tears well up in her eyes. The person who read these words wasn’t the Ernst she knew so well but an Ernst who was connected with other realms. The words had a clear sound. They were cut to fit his breathing.

The reading tired Ernst. Irena makes him a glass of lemon tea. This time he doesn’t ask, What do you think? He just sits at his desk without uttering a word. Irena serves him some apple cake and withdraws into the kitchen.

35

ERNST SITS AT HIS DESK EVERY MORNING. IRENA CAN tell how deeply immersed he is in his writing by the bend in his back. Sometimes he just concentrates on a blank page and doesn’t write at all. “Irena!” he will suddenly call, and she will rush over. Irena is always on the alert. He doesn’t ask for anything; he’s just checking to see if she is nearby.

During the past week Ernst spoke sadly about having ignored his mother tongue for so many years. “The Jews’ language is their soul,” he told Irena. A notebook lies on the desk, and Ernst writes words in it, sayings and proverbs in Yiddish. Whenever he remembers a word or a proverb, he grabs the notebook to write it down. Ernst fights forgetfulness and his fear that those precious words, which he heard in his childhood, will be lost to him. Sometimes he asks Irena whether she had also heard in her home the word that he remembered. Irena tries to recall, and when she does, a big smile lights up her face. It seems to Irena that Ernst has left the dark cave where he lived for years and is now stepping out cautiously, trying to get used to the new light. It’s hard to say that he is happy, but the gloom that dwelt on his brow has gone. Every day he produces a page or two. He labors over each sentence, sometimes copying it several times. As he works, he murmurs or hums to himself, or throws a word of satisfaction out into the room.

Yesterday Ernst told Irena that since he left the hospital, his path homeward, which had been blocked for so long, had become clear. The first house wasn’t that of his parents but that of his grandparents. He had known this in his heart, but certain obstacles delayed his return.

“Do you also think fondly about your grandparents’ home?” he asked Irena.

“My grandparents perished before I was born.”

“Oh, yes, I’m sorry,” he said and hit his head with his hand.

As Irena was about to leave for home, Ernst asked if he could read her a short chapter. The chapters that he read took her far away, to the village where her parents and grandparents lived. Her parents had told her a lot about that village, but only now does she see it before her eyes. Ernst is a magician. A few words, sometimes even a single word, carry her to a new place.

Immediately after Grandfather’s funeral, my uncles and aunts gathered to sit shiva, and the little house, which had known years of silence, filled with city voices. The commotion didn’t last long. The Carpathian Mountains don’t allow noise and commotion. After a day or two the tumult died down, and thin rustles of prayer filled the rooms.

The mourners prayed three times a day. They were joined by some of the neighbors nearby and even by some Ruthenians. The Ruthenians invoked Grandfather’s name with great awe. They were familiar with the Jews’ customs of mourning, and they said in Yiddish, “May God console you.”

What I saw most clearly during the shiva were images, even some not particularly significant ones, such as the long, colorful peasant mat that had been made by the farm women of the village. The mourners were sitting on it. Among the mourners, the pretty, round face of Aunt Malka stood out. She was my mother’s sister, and she sat on the mat with eyes full of wonder at the shiva and at what visitors told her about her father.

In the village even Jews beat their children, but Mordechai did not. He spoke to his children while hugging them or carrying them in his arms, and when they matured, he spoke to them like they were grown-ups. Nor did he abuse animals. A runaway horse wasn’t punished. A cow that kicked the pail and spilled the milk was scolded but not punished. No wonder he was always surrounded by birds. Birds would land on his shoulders, peck at his hands, follow him to the field, and follow him home in the evening. His dog, Yambi, howled every day of the shiva, refusing to eat and drink. At the end of the shiva, when they all got up, he withdrew into his doghouse, where he died.

In my eyes Yambi and his doghouse now became one, along with the tall trees that surrounded the house, along with the well, whose deep waters I could barely see. The dripping buckets they pulled up from it held everything: the secret darkness, the shining, cold liquid that quenched thirst better than any other drink.

During the seven days of shiva, the mourners didn’t eat full meals; they only nibbled. Two Ruthenian girls served coffee and mamaliga filled with plums or cheese. Most visitors spoke in whispers, but some of the old people raised their heads and recited blessings out loud. The old people were a world unto themselves. Old Ephraim was the most respected of all. He wore a long peasant smock, a wide belt around his hips, and wide cloth shoes. When he explained the Torah, he closed his eyes, and everyone listened intently to what he said.

“God gave, and God has taken away. We mustn’t question His judgment. Too many questions are poisonous to body and soul. We must do much, because in doing, only in doing, is redemption.” Thus spoke old Ephraim, contradicting all the faultfinding and doubts that arose from the mourners. “Let us bless what is good and what becomes better, because it is all from Him. Nothing in the world happens by chance. Chance is an invention of the devil.”

My parents were among the mourners. A wagon brought them one night, and since then my mother was also sitting on the floor. I found it strange that my parents’ usual habit of silence was not in evidence: here they prayed and spoke with my mother’s brothers and sisters and with her aunts and uncles, drawing words and whole sentences out of themselves. Mother’s face changed completely: light brightened her brow. Her father, who had risen to heaven, left some of his features in her face. But my father didn’t change. The same sadness clung to his face. Though he did pray with the mourners, the prayers didn’t remove the shadows from his brow for even a moment.

The days of mourning were long: they began at sunrise and didn’t end until late at night. Between one prayer service and another, the mourners studied the Mishnah and read from The Ford of the Yabbok River, a book about the laws and customs of mourning. The old people weren’t the only ones who took part in the study. At night a deep hum rose from the house. It was hard to know whether it was a reconciliation or a sadness that refused to be silent. The prayers and study continued after midnight. Then, suddenly, the great effort caught up with them, and they all fell asleep where they were on the mats.

Even then, God was not absent from the house. He was present in other ways. Early in the morning, darkness invaded from the forest and enveloped the worshippers in black fleece. It seems that God not only dwells in the light but also hides in the moist, cold darkness. Here I am, He announced, and the worshippers felt His gentle, singular presence. They were shaken and acknowledged that they had a long way to go to achieve goodness and purity, and they raised their voices and wept.

But at dusk, in the midst of afternoon prayers, God appeared as a sudden flash of light that dazzled the worshippers’ eyes. The mourners lowered their heads so as not to be blinded by the glow. The light continued to pour in and was not consumed. And the soul knew that it was no longer filled with anger but with forgiveness and mercy.

When Irena returns home, she realizes that the day spent in Ernst’s company has filled her with emotion. Sometimes she sits at the table and is so moved that she weeps. Only later does Irena realize that in reading his work to her Ernst is revealing inner secrets, things that he had kept to himself for many years.

One time Irena heard Ernst ask his doctor, “My body is wearing out and is finished. Does the soul wear out the same way?”

The doctor was stunned by the question and replied, “I’m just a doctor. What is your profession, if I may ask?”

“I was an investment adviser.”

“And now?”

“I’m trying to write.”

“Very good.”

“Why do I merit your approval?”

“For trying to tell us about the soul.”

“Doctor,” Ernst replied, “you can’t imagine how far I fall short.”

36

After the shiva, the uncles and aunts went back to their homes in the city, and Grandmother Raisl remained alone on the farm. My parents also returned home. It seemed to me that they were glad to leave their only son with his grandmother. I, in any case, didn’t ask to go back. The house in the city always oppressed me. Here the silence of the tall trees gave me a feeling of spaciousness and pleasure. I went for walks, and the shadows of the trees accompanied me everywhere; the deeper I went in the forest, the more wonders I saw: here a raspberry bush, and not far away a twisted branch full of currants. One could even find a low cherry tree that bore fruit as black as coal. Suddenly a huge crow would pop out of the thick foliage and fill the woods with its screeches.

If I walked deeper into the forest, I would come to a lake in the heart of the mountains. I had been there a few times with Grandfather, who would stand by the lake and look out at the gray water. Sometimes we took off our shoes and dipped our feet in. Grandfather probably knew how to swim, but he wouldn’t go further in. Swimming and everything associated with it wasn’t proper for a Jew. A Jew had to stand and observe. Observation illuminated one’s thoughts with images that were not visible to the eyes. New visions were a sign of faith.

After Grandfather’s departure, his presence only intensified. Every time I went out for a walk, I felt that Grandfather was with me. I would go out with him to see if the wheat had ripened, to observe the blush of the fruit in the orchards, and, of course, to look at the hay. Grandfather’s pace was slow. “Walking fast isn’t proper for a Jew,” he used to say, and as he spoke a smile would spread across his bearded face. Grandfather smiled often, and his smile would light up his face. But he never laughed out loud.

I wandered about all day, and when I came back I found Grandmother Raisl cooking. At meals Grandmother acted as though Grandfather was still sitting at the head of the table. After his death she adopted his way of moving. Whatever Grandfather did, she did in exactly the same way. Once on a hot Friday afternoon she fell asleep, and when she woke, night was already falling. She couldn’t forgive herself for neglecting the approach of the Sabbath. After that she fasted every Monday. Despite her loss, Grandmother didn’t let despair gain a foothold. She rose early, prayed, drank a cup of coffee, and went out to work in the fields. Like Grandfather, she knew the fields well: what had ripened in the vegetable garden and had to be picked, which field had to be plowed, and what to let rest until autumn. The Ruthenian peasants obeyed her and said, “We’ll do as you wish.”

In the evening, upon returning from the fields, Grandmother would sit with her eyes closed next to the chair where Grandfather used to sit. It was hard to say whether she was praying or gathering her thoughts. She was strict with me about two things: reciting the Modeh Ani prayer of thankfulness in the morning and the Shema Yisrael at night. My mother also used to remind me to pray from time to time. But Grandmother Raisl was more determined. She didn’t treat me like an only son.

Even after the thirty-day mourning period, Grandfather’s presence was still felt in the house. He would appear in unexpected places. In the Carpathians a person doesn’t depart from the world without leaving behind a bit of his essence. Grandmother didn’t speak about Grandfather in the past tense.

I noticed that the sealed eastern window looked different. When Grandfather prayed, Grandmother would open the shutters and sit at his side for the length of the prayer. When he was finished praying, she would close the shutters. After Grandfather’s death the window took on a new importance. Grandmother was careful not to stand near it except during the regular hours for prayer. She recited her own prayers in a separate alcove near the bedroom.

On Sabbath eve Grandmother would go out to the garden, pick flowers, arrange them in two vases, and place them on the windowsill. Suddenly the shuttered window took on the form of a gate.

On Sabbath morning I would go to the synagogue with Grandmother. We took the paths I used to take with Grandfather. Grandmother didn’t speak either. In the Carpathian Mountains people learned from the trees and from the basalt rocks how to be silent. When Grandfather was alive, Grandmother didn’t go to synagogue every Sabbath, but now that he was gone, she took care to go. She walked slowly and thoughtfully, not like the way she walked at home.

The synagogue was a small wooden building. People entered it with bent backs. No one sat in Grandfather’s seat. His absence only made people feel his presence even more. In the synagogue they remembered not only Grandfather but also his father and his grandfather. In the name of Grandfather’s father, they recalled the proverb: “Don’t think that after the tree has been chopped down its shadow disappears.” They interpreted that proverb literally, although some said it referred to people.

After the Sabbath, Grandmother would go down to the cellar and prepare dairy products. The dark cellar, which was lit by two lamps, was also one of the wonders of the place. Grandmother churned butter in the cellar, made cheese, and stored apples for the winter.

Raising the trapdoor to the cellar, going down the stairs, lighting the lamps, and driving out the darkness — all of these things that she used to do together with Grandfather she now did alone. She didn’t complain. She did everything quickly and with great concentration. Sometimes a word or half a sentence, which I didn’t understand, would escape from her mouth. I didn’t ask what they meant. Here one learned not to ask questions unless it was absolutely necessary.

After one Sabbath, a Ruthenian woman, a neighbor, came carrying a bunch of flowers. Grandmother greeted her warmly and told her what she had done during the previous week and what she was planning to do. With suppressed pain, the Ruthenian woman told Grandmother everything that her daughter from her first marriage was doing to her. Grandmother listened with her head down, and when the woman had finished speaking, she advised her to pray. “Nothing changes things like prayer. Prayer works miracles,” she said in Grandfather’s tone of voice.

Every evening Ernst reads Irena a passage or chapter before she leaves. The short chapters stand on their own. Ernst would very much like to hear her opinion or a comment, but Irena doesn’t know what to say. Only on her way home or when she sits in the dining alcove does she feel the visions that Ernst’s writing evokes grow stronger within her.

A few days ago Irena had a long dream. In it she is walking with Ernst on a network of paths in the Carpathians. Both she and Ernst are nine years old. She is wearing a lace dress that her mother sewed for her and Ernst is in shorts and a blue shirt like the ones they used to wear in Hashomer Hatsa’ir. They are walking hand in hand. She feels his hand very strongly and wants to kiss it, but she doesn’t dare. Ernst is bolder. He put his hand on her shoulder and embraces her. She is so happy that the few words she possesses are snatched from her mouth.

“It’s all because of you,” Ernst tells her one evening.

The compliments that Ernst showers on Irena embarrass her. She doesn’t think her ideas and actions are important, but she is glad that Ernst is writing diligently and that every day another page or two appear on his desk.

37

ONE EVENING ERNST SAYS TO IRENA, “IT SEEMS TO ME I’M on the way.”

Irena rises to her feet, approaches the bed, and says, “I don’t understand.”

“I’m returning to the place from which I set out.”

“Thank God.” The old-fashioned expression pops out of her mouth.

“Irena, dear, if something happens to me, burn everything except this notebook.”

Every time Ernst directly asks or just hints to Irena regarding what to do with his writing, she looks at him as if to say, You haven’t finished your work in this world. I’m not an educated woman, but my heart tells me that now that you are in the middle of your work, nothing bad will happen to you. Ernst studies the expression on her face and is stunned by its power.

Indeed, Ernst is now writing with great diligence. Sometimes he’s surprised by what he remembers and by what emerges from his pen. There are things that were buried within him for many years, like the long walk he took one night with his grandfather. During their nighttime hike, they didn’t speak; they just took in their surroundings. In the Carpathians bright stars fill the vast night sky. During those years, Ernst felt a great closeness to God, but he didn’t know how to express his feelings. Grandfather spoke little and never said anything about God, but his whole being proclaimed that the earth we tread on is holy, that it is forbidden to treat it with disrespect or to abuse it, and that animals, too, have within them something of the divine image. In Grandfather’s house they didn’t eat meat, only what the earth brought forth. Grandmother was very knowledgeable about soups, casseroles, and puddings of every kind. At the end of the summer she would spread plums, apples, and pears on a mat outdoors. The fruit would shrivel in the sun.

The weeks Ernst stayed with his grandmother were well preserved in his memory, but not because of unusual words or actions. Grandmother was busy from morning to night, never avoiding any chore. When she was in the vegetable garden, she hoed with the Ruthenian peasants, and when she was in the orchard, she shouldered a sack and picked the fruit. The abundant harvest wasn’t all for her. She tithed for the needy, sold about half the crop, and sent the rest to her children, who lived far away in crowded cities.

The grandchildren didn’t always remember her, but she remembered them all by name. In the evenings she would sit and write them letters, and the next day she would ride to the center of the village, to the post office, and hand over the packages and letters. Riding with her to the post office and back was also magical. Ruthenian women would stop her wagon, ask how she was, or request a blessing from her. Grandmother wouldn’t hesitate. She would place her hands on the peasant woman’s head and bless her.

Ernst also remembers that Grandmother insisted on performing the ritual hand washing every morning because, she said, the night leaves its pollution on your hands.

“Why does the night pollute?” Ernst wondered.

“Because of the evil spirits,” Grandmother replied seriously, as though she had been asked about the harvest or about the price of a crate of cucumbers.

“Can you see the evil spirits?” Ernst’s curiosity increased.

“Usually you can’t see them,” Grandmother said reluctantly. There were things one didn’t talk about. Ernst knew this but he still pressed her with another question: “Are they small?”

“So people say.”

“Have you seen them?”

“Once,” she said, with a small wrinkled smile.

One didn’t speak about evil spirits, but one didn’t doubt their existence. Verses from the Bible attached to the doorposts guarded each entranceway, and holy books protected the whole house. Evil spirits didn’t dare enter a house with holy books.

The objects in his grandparents’ house didn’t seem like inanimate things to him but like living, breathing beings that concealed hidden life, like the wooden barrels behind the kitchen that were full of rainwater, or the big wooden mallet that Grandfather used to pound in fence posts.

In Grandfather’s house no one sharpened knives to slaughter calves or chickens. They picked vegetables and fruit instead and stored them carefully in the cellar. As autumn approached, the cellar would begin to fill up, and every time Grandmother opened the trapdoor, a damp fragrance drifted up from the darkness. There were also earthenware pots in the cellar, wrapped in white kerchiefs, where milk curdled. After every Sabbath Grandmother would remove the white kerchiefs from those silent pots and separate the whey from the curds. Then she would pour the curds into white sacks, and soon they would congeal into fragrant cheese.

Grandmother Raisl didn’t complain. She bore her lot in life by suppressing her emotions. If bad news came from her children or grandchildren, she would bury her face in a kerchief or just sit silently.

Death has many messengers, but one slowly learns to recognize them. “Death is an illusion and a deception,” people said in Grandfather’s name. “Only stupid and ignorant people think that death is the end.”

Ernst reads the Bible and is amazed by the patriarchs. They were connected to the earth and to their animals, but at the same time they conversed with God, addressing Him like sons addressing their father. And He, in turn, answered them in ordinary language. Clouds of doubt didn’t darken their deeds. That was also how his ancestors lived in the Carpathian Mountains, many centuries later.

For many years Ernst had forgotten this. But Irena didn’t forget. Her parents transmitted the faith of their fathers to her in a veiled way. When Irena says, “I’m praying in my heart,” Ernst believes that she knows what she’s talking about. For him faith is just a glimmer, twinkling lights that shine and then vanish. Irena, he wants to ask her, how did you manage to preserve that buried knowledge? But he doesn’t ask. He keeps noticing gestures that he hasn’t seen before. When she opens the window in the morning and places a vase of flowers on the windowsill, her expression is filled with wonder.

It’s now clear to him: Irena’s beliefs aren’t abstract. They extend even to inanimate objects, and every time she touches a garment or a flower it appears as though she is about to kneel in prayer. Sometimes he thinks that she has come to him from the ancient world, where earthly and heavenly love were intermingled. Once he was so overcome by that feeling that he suddenly embraced her and kissed her. Irena didn’t move; it was as if he had put a spell on her.

38

ERNST WRITES AND THEN TEARS UP THE PAPER. THE WAY he tears it, Irena notices, is different from the way he tore it in the past. He isn’t angry; he’s just dissatisfied with himself. The words that emerge don’t fit what he intended to say. He spends all day searching for other words. On occasion he has to wait a few days before they come. Depression tries to conquer him, but he is firm in his resolve to move forward.

Sometimes Ernst feels like someone who was exiled from his home, wandered for years, and finally, in a dream, the way home is revealed to him. Now he is afraid of losing his way. He writes feverishly, as though battling against time. Occasionally he turns back to see how far he has come and whether he has strayed from the path.

Yesterday Ernst told Irena that on his grandparents’ farm there were a few horses in the stable and three cows in the dairy. When one of the cows got sick and the others were in danger of being infected, two strong peasants came to take the sick cow to her fate. It was a question of whether to slaughter her with a knife or shoot her. Grandmother, who was fond of the cow, was in a quandary. Finally she asked them to bring the veterinarian to give the cow an injection and ease her death. The peasants were astonished. “It’s just a cow,” one of them said. “People slaughter cows in the village every day.”

“We’re commanded not to hurt animals,” Grandmother insisted.

“We’ll do what you say,” they said and retreated.

The veterinarian did come. He was a short, half-Jewish man, and he did the deed. The peasants took the cow out of the barn and led her away. Grandmother followed her with her eyes. When the cow disappeared from view, she hung her head, went into the house, and sat there without saying a word. Writing jogs Ernst’s memory, and each time it takes him to another place.

The farmhouse was planted in the very heart of the forest, as though it belonged to the trees. But from the distance of years it seems more like a wooden temple upon whose threshold one’s shoes are removed. The objects in the house were few, and all were made of wood. Flowers of every color, fresh and dried, decorated the tables, the cupboards, and the windowsills. When a guest entered, he would stand motionless, stunned by their fragrance.

Silence hovered over the dim space and brought visions to the soul. When Grandmother asked a question, Grandfather would not rush to answer. It wasn’t polite to answer right away. He would sit quietly or go outside, and only upon returning would he reply.

He spoke very little outdoors, and in the house he was silent. The day was divided into long stretches of silence and longing, as though it had been agreed that words were more precious than gold and weren’t to be treated wastefully.

On some days they took vows of complete silence. A bad dream or a gloomy feeling or a presentiment of bad news would immediately cut off all speech. They would keep on working, taking care of the animals, listening to the requests of the peasants who worked for them, but not a word would leave their mouths. Usually the vow of silence would last for a whole day, but sometimes it would go on longer. The peasants knew that they had vowed to keep silent and would rarely disturb them.

On the silent days the meals were meager, hurried, the necessary minimum. The silence was evident in the way they moved, in how they picked up an object or a tool. But more than anything, the silence was visible on their darkened foreheads.

Irena listens, and her heart is lifted. Ernst’s revelations affect her deeply because her grandparents’ village, about which she had heard so much from her mother, has become part of her. But now, because of Ernst’s descriptions of his grandparents’ village, she feels even closer to it and understands it even better. It was as if it had removed its earthly attire and was dressed in garments of eternity.

What a marvelous place you describe, Irena wants to say, but she doesn’t say it. She knows that Ernst doesn’t like it when people say “marvelous,”

“splendid,” or use other expressions of enthusiasm.

Irena is happy about Ernst’s interesting discoveries, but her anxieties won’t go away. She’s afraid of a relapse. Every night she lights a candle and prays that Ernst’s depression won’t return, that his heart will withstand the effort, and that the impulse to destroy won’t overtake him.

Ernst’s depression doesn’t return, but he shows signs of weakness. It’s hard for him to sit up in a chair. The doctor believes he would be better off in hospital, where they can run some tests.

“Just now?” Ernst says. “When at long last the sights and the words are joining together?”

“Only for a week — no longer.” The doctor tries to mollify him.

“Next week.” Ernst asks for a deferral, and the doctor agrees.

Despite his weakness, Ernst keeps writing. He writes in bed or in the armchair. Irena tries not to disturb him, and she doesn’t approach him until his meal is ready. Ernst’s appetite has decreased recently, but he makes an effort to eat something to avoid making Irena feel bad.

Visions come to him every night. Sometimes they’re so powerful they refuse to be clothed in words. Ernst knows that without the correct words the visions will fade away as if they had never existed. He tries even harder to capture them.

In the Carpathian Mountains God has many faces. The great plane tree in the yard that raised its upper branches toward heaven — that was one face. Vasil, the peasant who carried a sack of barley on his back and put it down next to the trough — that was another face. Vasil was an unfortunate man who exiled himself from his home because of the disasters that struck him. His wife and their three children were burned to death in their sleep the day he went to town to sell his crops. Years had passed since that tragedy, but the mark it left on him remained. God’s curse was evident in everything he did. He didn’t engage in conversation or ask questions. He worked from morning till late at night. When Grandmother said to him, “Enough, Vasil, go and rest,” he replied, “I’ll rest, I’ll rest,” and kept working. Sometimes he looked like one of the Greek titans who defied God and was severely punished by Him.

And sometimes he seemed like one of God’s secret servants, those who assume pale, indifferent faces and appear to be actual slaves and not servants of God. But someone who observed Vasil well could see that there was another, hidden purpose in his work, a higher goal. It was evident in its steady pace, and it was especially obvious when he stood in the field in the evening and waved his scythe over the clover.

Since Grandfather told me that God dwells everywhere, I was careful not to harm small animals, and I walked cautiously. Mindfulness and caution are always appropriate. In the Carpathian Mountains a person will stand attentively, sometimes for hours, so that the sounds he hears will seep into him.

Grandmother used to say, “Rainwater is good for the body on Sabbath eve.” I heard that more than once, but back then, of course, I didn’t understand its meaning. Grandmother communicated only what was necessary, useful, or helpful — and all in a soft voice. She would raise her voice only if danger threatened.

“God doesn’t like loud talking,” she would say. The word “I” was forbidden. There were many roundabout words that were used to avoid saying “I.” When I was five or six and still a stranger to the place, I asked Grandfather, “Why is it forbidden to say ‘I’?” “Because a person isn’t God,” Grandfather replied sharply in his thick voice, and there was no room for doubt.

Later I learned: in the Carpathian Mountains there is silent worship of God and alongside it high places for idolatry. Worship of God is hidden. It exists in a whisper next to the eastern window. The idolatry is in the field, beneath every tree.

The sides of the roads and paths were sown with crosses and little chapels; tall, sturdy peasants stood next to the crosses like reprimanded children. I would sit for hours and watch them. Grandmother would remind me that it is forbidden to watch idol worshippers. Their ways were liable to cling to one. A Jew must retain his own ways, must not be hasty, must not imitate animals. If a gentile grabs a woman and throws her down into the weeds, one must go away.

39

THE DEFERRAL IS OVER, AND ERNST IS HOSPITALIZED. Irena doesn’t leave his bedside. She’s sorry that his writing has been stopped. His life and his writing are now inseparably joined together: his face is brightened by a page that contains words appropriate for what is being related, a page on which the sentences flow.

“Truth is not enough,” he once told her. “The truth has to be clothed in the right words. Otherwise it will sound counterfeit or, worse than that, pretentious or hypocritical.” Over the past few weeks Ernst realized that extended descriptions were no longer necessary. He mercilessly uprooted words that didn’t further the action of the story. The details emerged selectively, without superfluousness, only what was most needed.

Ernst is pleased that the days he spent toiling over Bible stories weren’t in vain. Life in the Carpathian Mountains didn’t proceed in tranquility; instead, as in the Bible, it had simplicity, solidity, and a belief that life has a purpose. We aren’t a bundle of particles thrown down from somewhere just to disappear. The trees in the forest, the horse in the meadow, and the man in the field — they are all as one.

But meanwhile Ernst is tormented by pain. Irena tries to distract him by telling him things she’s heard or that have happened to her. Ernst listens and asks questions. He has a special ability to follow the details.

“Didn’t your parents tell you about the war?” Again he asks her this.

“Not much.”

“And didn’t you ask?”

“I asked, but they said that it was better not to talk about meaningless suffering.”

“What did they talk about?”

“About their life before the war.”

At midnight, when Ernst falls asleep, Irena goes back to his house. Ernst’s house is tidy, but in it there are no candlesticks, no dried flowers, and no prayer books. Irena clears a corner of the kitchen, lights a candle, scatters dried flowers on the counter, and sets down a prayer book that she brought from her house. Let Ernst’s parents know that they are sought-after guests in their son’s home. After she arranges that corner, the look of the house changes.

The medical tests aren’t simple, but Ernst doesn’t complain. The desire to return home and give himself over to his writing makes him a determined man. Irena is anxious, but she suppresses her anxiety so as not to worry Ernst. One day he asks her whether she has been to his house.

“I go there every day,” she tells him.

“What’s happening there?”

“Nothing,” she says, alarmed by Ernst’s question.

Over the past few days Ernst has been asking questions that he hadn’t asked before. Irena realizes that he has been shaken by the sights revealed to him in his parents’ house and his grandparents’ house. Ernst recently realized that he suffered more from his mother’s silence than from his father’s. His father was a chain smoker; it was as though he was trying to detach himself from the place that shackled him. Once Ernst heard him say, “I feel like burning the grocery store down.” His mother was frightened but didn’t say anything.

Years ago, when Ernst was very involved with the Party, he heard a head commissar say, “Propaganda is the very essence of our doctrine.” He was a short Jew, the son of one of the real estate brokers in the city, and he always spoke in a loud voice, as though trying to silence the voices around him with his own. That wasn’t his only strong suit. Words shot out of his mouth as though out of a machine. It was clear that his strength lay in deception, and his loud talk was one of his methods. Then, as though visualizing something through the dimness of twilight, Ernst understood his parents’ silence, and he knew that in their silence was the truth. He knew it, but he refused to accept it. At that time he had not yet realized that their silence was a mighty instrument of torture that they had built to torment themselves.

In the Carpathians the people knew silence with their bodies. Ernst’s grandfather, after reading a book, would sit quietly for a long time. His silence was a kind of covert labor. He would sift thought the day’s events so he could approach his night’s sleep cleansed of all delusions and confusion.

“Were there delusions in the Carpathian Mountains?” Irena asks in surprise.

“They tried to shake them off so they could fall asleep without them. Delusions bring nightmares. Reciting Shema Yisrael before going to sleep prevents nightmares.”

Ernst mines his memory for visions and fragments of visions. Sometimes he’s surprised that a certain detail has been preserved within him: his mother, sitting on the mourner’s mat with her brothers and sisters, the glow returning to her face. She doesn’t waste words, but she does reply to questions that have been addressed to her. She prays like her mother and sisters. Her mannerisms once again resemble those of a pure believer. One evening she turned to Ernst distractedly and said, “Isn’t this an enchanting place?” Ernst was stunned by her question and didn’t know what to say. Only later did he realize that the word “enchanting” wasn’t used in the Carpathian Mountains. Only a person coming from the outside would say “splendid” or “enchanting”—words that tried to cover up an emptiness or fear. He was angry with his mother, who had been devoted to her silence all her life, for using a word she had borrowed from others.

All night long Irena stays close to Ernst in his sleep, and with first light she rises from her chair and stands next to his bed. She observes the taking of his temperature and the blood tests, and later she eavesdrops on a conversation between the doctors on their rounds. To his question about what the tests show, Ernst receives a hesitant answer.

“And how do you feel?” they keep asking him.

“Backaches and weakness.”

Each doctor is, individually, a courteous person, asking questions and taking an interest in the patient, but when seen together they look like a stern panel of judges. They do take note of his questions, but their attention is mainly given over to numbers and X-rays, which they pass from hand to hand. The way they stand there frightens Irena. “There’s nothing to worry about,” says Ernst after the doctors have left the room, more than anything to calm her down.

Then Ernst closes his eyes and falls asleep. His brow is untroubled. The white beard that has sprouted on his face gives him the look of a person who has overcome his suffering. Death is apparently preoccupying him, but he doesn’t talk about it.

When Ernst rouses from his slumber, he’s glad to see Irena. She peels a pear or an apple for him, and if he’s thirsty, she hands him a cup of water. Since he has been in the hospital, her attention to him has become more intense. She watches his breathing and hurries to hand him what he needs. “It’s too bad I never finished high school,” she said to him a few days ago. “If I had finished, I would have been accepted in nursing school.”

“You’re dear to me without a high school diploma,” Ernst said quickly.

At night, when Ernst and the other patients are asleep, Irena sits in a corner and reads. She always liked to read, but since she has been working for Ernst, she has learned how to get more out of books. She especially likes to read books about the Second World War.

The war is a very mystifying chapter in Irena’s soul. Since reading books by Leyb Rochman* and Primo Levi, she understands why her parents didn’t tell her more about it. In her dreams she sometimes sees her mother trudging with the last ounce of her strength from her work to the barracks, swallowing weak soup and trying to reattach the sole of her shoe with two pieces of rope. It’s strange, Irena says to herself. To see my father and mother during their most difficult ordeals, I had to read Primo Levi. The Italian Jew revealed what my parents never revealed to me.

Irena’s mother never told her a thing, not even the names of any of the camps that she was in. Every time Irena asked her about the camps, her mother’s face would close up. It was no wonder that in her childhood Irena thought that her mother had had a love affair during the war and that she was hiding it from her husband and daughter. That was another reason why she loved her father more than her mother. She used to take long walks with him at night, and she went with him to the movies. He was tall and good-looking, and women would follow him with their eyes. Over time she learned to love her mother, too, but not the way she loved her father.

* Leyb Rochman was a Jewish writer and journalist who, while in hiding in Europe during World War II, kept a diary that was published as The Pit and the Trap after the war ended. (Ed.)

40

AFTER TEN DAYS OF TESTS AND OBSERVATION, THE DOCTORS reached a conclusion: nothing more could be done. Though it would be possible to try chemotherapy, in this case it probably wouldn’t work. There were some other, innovative treatments available, but their effectiveness was dubious. Medical science wasn’t raising its hands in surrender, but for the moment it had nothing to suggest. If the patient wanted to try something, they would try it.

The short doctor announced his verdict with some emotion, but he left no doubt as to the majority opinion. The majority left the decision in the patient’s hands. For a moment it seemed to Ernst that the doctor was about to pull a pistol out of his cloak, hand it to him, and say: It’s your decision, to shoot yourself or to bear with prolonged suffering until your death.

Ernst ignores that thought. He asks the doctor how many weeks or months he has left to live. The doctor’s answer is long and detailed, full of medical terms and Latin words, most of which Ernst doesn’t understand. But what he implies is that they can’t estimate how long he has; it varies with the individual, and there are exceptions. He himself had met a patient in Ernst’s condition who lived for a long time after being diagnosed and finally died of another disease. The doctor’s final words sound less like a medical evaluation than like worthless consolation. He stretches out information that could have been conveyed in two sentences.

Ernst returns home that very day and immediately feels better.

Irena leaves the house only to buy medicine and groceries. Now her life is Ernst, only Ernst. She places a folding bed in a corner of the living room, and at night, when Ernst shuts his eyes, she brings her bed close to his. After midnight she gets up to see how he’s sleeping. Ernst sleeps until four and sometimes until five. Irena makes him breakfast and sits at his side.

Since returning from the hospital, Ernst has been telling Irena again about his military service, about the camps that were liberated, and about the soldiers who served in his unit. Even then he had doubts about the path of the Communists and the purity of their intentions, but the war united their hearts. Every advance, every conquered village planted the feeling in the soldiers’ hearts that they were plunging a sharp bayonet into the monster’s scales. That feeling made them drink even more and strengthened their resolve.

They liberated camp after camp. Ernst wanted to love his tormented brethren, but he didn’t allow himself to. He was certain that humanity was marching toward unity and that one day there would be no difference between Jews and non-Jews. But reality slapped him in the face. He ran into anti-Semites everywhere, within the division and outside of it. They liberated the camps, but they were in no hurry to provide the liberated people with basic supplies. After a while, when canned goods from the Joint Distribution Committee began to arrive, he heard the supply officer say, “The whole world takes care of the Jews. The Russian people suffered more.” Ernst heard this and gritted his teeth.

The simple soldiers with whom he fought changed him. They turned him, the commissar-informer, into a fighting man, a devoted officer. When they approached the first camp and he saw his brethren for the first time, pressed up against the fences, Ernst knew how alienated he had become from them. While he was standing there in astonishment, one of the Russian officers whispered, “They look like Jesus of Nazareth. Every one of them looks like Jesus.” The young officer’s display of emotion upon seeing the human skeletons hanging onto the fences gripped Ernst by the throat.

“How do you know they’re like Jesus?” he asked the officer.

“From church,” the officer replied when he had recovered. “In our church the image of Jesus hangs from the cross, thin and tormented, and the thorns on his head are like that barbed wire.”

“Those are Jews,” Ernst said, to test him.

“I know. Jesus was also a Jew.”

Ernst felt as if he had been hit in the face. He stepped back and murmured, “That’s right. That’s right.”

The encounter with the young Russian officer next to the barbed-wire fence was engraved upon him like an accusation. From now on Ernst was fighting on two fronts: against the Germans, of course, and on a second front against the Russian anti-Semites. Every time he managed to steal a food truck, he would drive it to one of the liberated camps.

One night when he entered a camp, some of the wretched inmates were still awake. They had gathered around a small bonfire. Their arms, or rather their bones, were stretched toward the flame. When he spoke to them in Yiddish, they were silent, as if they couldn’t believe their ears. When they recovered, they crawled over to him, hugged his legs and arms, and kissed him. “Take us away from here,” they begged. “Don’t abandon us.”

Ernst felt his flesh crawl, and he wanted to escape. That very night he enlisted the regimental doctor and some medics. They went to the camp, bringing medicine and cans of milk with them. The survivors were so gaunt that they couldn’t even stand on their feet.

The sights of the camp wouldn’t leave him. On several occasions at the nightly roll call, Ernst addressed the company.

“We’re fighting an enemy that built concentration camps and tortured innocent people in them,” he said. He knew that not everyone identified with what he was saying, but most of them, particularly the young, innocent soldiers, knew what he was talking about.

One time one of the soldiers approached him and asked, “What harm did the Jews do, to make the Germans abuse them so badly.”

“It’s hard to know,” Ernst said, to avoid revealing too much.

“They don’t have God in their hearts,” said the young soldier, his innocence evident in his face.

When Ernst tells Irena about the soldiers at the front, something of the officer returns to his face. His words are decisive, and he pushes weakness and the doctors’ report aside, clearing the way for the strength and vitality that fill his large body. If we overcame the fascist monster, we’ll also overcome this weakness, his face says. Irena is so pleased that she doesn’t know what else to do to keep his spirits up.

41

ERNST DOESN’T TALK ABOUT HIS ILLNESS. HE SITS FOR hours in the armchair and writes. His intention is to join together all the segments of his life. He feels that his army service is an important link in the chain, but the chapters of his youth come first. It’s a journey that will take many days. He has to persevere and not grow weary. Irena understands his mood and tries not to disturb him. She varies his meals, arranges his pills, and if he wants to read her a chapter, she sits at his side and listens. She has noticed that his writing is simpler. She understands almost every word. Sometimes she thinks that he’s doing this for her, and she wants to say, Don’t take me into consideration. My education is limited. You have to write for knowledgeable people.

The Carpathians keep revealing themselves to him, each time in a new vision. When Ernst was eight, his parents sent him to spend the High Holidays with his grandparents. He stayed with them for a whole month, for some weeks before the holidays and after.

Why did they send him there? he has often wondered. True, he was outstanding in school, but to take him out of the classroom and send him far from home — what for? First he attributed it to simple arbitrariness. Later he thought that they were trying to bring him closer to their ancestors. But all these explanations seemed flimsy.

Two days after I arrived, I saw the fruit harvest. Grandfather stood next to one of the fruit-laden trees with Grandmother at his side, and both of them had bags at their hips. Grandfather reached up toward the leafy branches with his long arms, picking apples and placing them in his bag. Grandmother picked from the bent boughs. After the bags were full, they poured the fruit into giant wicker baskets. The apples in the baskets lost none of their glow. And their colors appeared to grow more intense, as though a more powerful existence had replaced their old one.

When I arrived at my grandparents’ home, the days still went by at their usual pace. But then things gradually slowed down. This was evident in Grandfather’s bearing. He would return from the fields with small steps, as though time was about to stop and he was going to stop along with it. When he got home, Grandmother would prepare a basin full of rainwater, and he would dip his feet in it. The little that he said decreased even more. After lunch he would read a book or doze off. The book would remain in his hands, even while he dozed. After the nap, he would resume reading as he hummed a melody. Grandfather had two voices: one that whispered so that you could barely hear it, and the other, when he prayed, that was full of entreaty.

While he read, Grandfather would occasionally close his eyes. His reading would continue in this way for a long time. At first glance it looked like studying, but that, of course, was a misapprehension. It was actually a continued effort to approach what is hidden within the letters and touch it. This didn’t come easily to him. Finally, in a last effort, he would grab the large book and press it to his chest, rise to his feet, raise his head, and close his eyes.

Grandmother wouldn’t take part in this. She would be busy with her own chores, making the special foods for Rosh Hashanah. The sweet, fragrant food and the gleaming, painted china would be displayed as gifts for the holiday angels who would come to visit.

During the days leading up to Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, Grandfather didn’t work in the field in the afternoons, didn’t transact business, and didn’t repair anything in the house. Most of the time between noon and afternoon prayers he would sit and read his book. When the time for prayers came, he would rise to his feet, walk over to the window, open the shutters, and stand before the open sky.

Between afternoon and evening prayers, peasants would come and ask Grandfather for a blessing. He would place his hands on the gentile’s head, close his eyes, and bless him. Kneeling was forbidden. A peasant who knelt was asked to rise. Peasant women also came. Grandfather wouldn’t touch them. Instead, he called them by name and blessed them from a distance. When Grandfather blessed the peasant women, he looked like a priest, and indeed he was a cohen, a descendant of Aharon Ha’cohen. On several occasions, I saw Grandfather in the synagogue wrapped in his yellowed prayer shawl, getting ready to bless the congregation. I didn’t dare to look at him when he actually performed the blessing.

Every day Grandfather would sit with me for an hour, sometimes a bit more, and read the prayer book with me. Grandfather knew that in the city I didn’t attend religious school, didn’t pray, and didn’t learn the weekly Bible portion. Grandfather wanted to do the impossible in the short time at his disposal. Along with the prayer book, Grandfather would read the weekly Bible portion with me and tell me about the patriarchs, the judges, and the prophets. When I joined Grandfather on his walks, he showed me that God dwelt in every single plant; only the blind could fail to see this, he said. Grandfather spoke seriously but not with severity. Sometimes he would joke about all those who had forgotten that God was in heaven and worshipped alien gods instead.

We would take the evening meal on the veranda. It was always the same: potatoes cooked in their skins and borscht with sour cream. During the days leading up to Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, Grandmother would serve plum compote about an hour after the meal — a custom she didn’t know the reason for.

There were many secret things in the house; some passed me by but some touched me. Once Grandfather said to me, “Not everything has a reason. God keeps the reasons for some things from us. But what we see and feel is enough. Lots of talk won’t explain. It’s better just to observe what we have been commanded to observe. Good thoughts don’t grow out of words but come from proper observation. A person must be attentive to hear what God asks of him.” Grandfather didn’t usually speak in long, connected sentences. I pieced the sentences together and said to myself, I don’t understand his words now, but the day will come when God will reveal to me what Grandfather is saying.

One afternoon Grandfather and Grandmother disappeared. I tried to drive the evil thoughts out of my mind. I went from room to room, and finally I went outside. Full of fear, I asked one of the peasants where my grandparents were. “Before the New Year,” the man replied, “the Jews go and lie down on their parents’ graves.”

“What do they do there?” I asked, ignorant of this custom.

“They pray,” said the peasant, and a smile spread across his broad face.

I had noticed that the gentiles living in the areas around Grandfather’s small property and the ones who worked for him knew a lot about the Jews and their way of life, more than I myself knew. What Grandfather didn’t tell me, they told me. For example, on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur we didn’t use tallow candles, only wax candles. They didn’t buy them in the grocery store; instead, Grandmother made them with her own hands, behind the closed door of her pantry. The gentiles also told me that on Rosh Hashanah the Jews go to the river and throw all their accumulated sins into the water.

These gentiles seemed to me like distant relatives who wished to draw nearer to Grandfather and Grandmother but weren’t allowed to. So they secretly watched, putting the details together and telling the whole story to their children in confidence.

There were secrets everywhere, like in the giant basalt cliffs that protruded from the mountains. Every cliff had a name, and every name had a story behind it. Grandfather knew the names and the stories. To me they looked like prehistoric creatures that had been tied up and immobilized in the middle of a walk. It was not surprising that restrained anger was visible in their faces.

A few days before Rosh Hashanah, Grandmother would prepare Grandfather’s clothes. She would wash them in a large wooden tub. From the way she hung them on the lines in the yard, it was evident that she had special reverence for those clothes. The fragrance of laundry soap and starch and charcoal for the iron would spread throughout the yard and perfume the air.

Beginning two days before Rosh Hashanah, Grandfather would not leave the house. The peasants who worked for him would come to receive instructions. He would give them brief directions and immediately return to his room. Those two days were devoted to preparations. Now three books lay on his table. Grandfather would read them over and over. During those two days, he was like a soldier who had been called to the front and was taking his leave of his birthplace and loved ones. He spoke to Grandmother like someone giving instructions about what to do if he should die in the war. Grandmother, a solid woman with customs of her own, would do his bidding without question. I knew that on Rosh Hashanah the wicked were condemned to beatings and hard labor. That knowledge filled me with gloom.

On the eve of Rosh Hashanah, Grandfather and Grandmother went to the synagogue together. Grandfather was dressed all in white, and Grandmother wore a blue lace dress. In the low-ceilinged synagogue the worshippers were dressed in white, and only the guests from the city stood out in their dark suits. Grandfather led the prayers, wrapped in his prayer shawl; when he lifted it off his head, a bright light glowed on his brow.

After two or three hours of writing, Ernst usually feels weak. He falls onto his bed and doesn’t even have enough strength to cover himself with the blanket. Irena doesn’t hesitate to remove his shoes, to lift his head up onto the pillow, to kiss his forehead and his chest. She takes his hand in hers and sits next to him until he is able to open his eyes.

Over the past few days the belief has taken root within Irena that if she stays close to Ernst, she will remove the illness from him — or at least part of it, the way her mother did when she was a girl and ran a high fever.

42

ERNST RISES EVERY MORNING LIKE A SOLDIER. SINCE THE doctors issued their verdict, his diligence has increased. He sits at his desk or in the armchair, writing and crossing out. His struggle to find the right words is evident on the paper, but it isn’t an irritating struggle. He calmly crosses out and patiently looks for a substitute. His perseverance plants hope in Irena’s heart that soon he will recover his health and be able to leave the house.

To lighten his mood and encourage him, Irena dresses nicely, wears makeup, and hangs the pendant that he bought her around her neck.

“You’re a charming woman,” says Ernst, taking her hand and kissing it. These chivalrous gestures move her.

Irena is glad that the doctors’ prognosis hasn’t filled Ernst with despair. In the morning his posture is erect, like that of an officer marching at the head of his soldiers to capture a fortified position. For that reason Irena thinks he is writing about his service in the Red Army. She is mistaken. After years of internal struggle, he has finally reached the “hidden source,” as he calls it.

Ernst knows that there are pitfalls and obstacles in this enchanted realm. His memory hasn’t always preserved the correct details. The impulse to prettify is a human one, and it’s hard to avoid it. Nevertheless, Ernst feels that he is breathing the very air and touching the very earth that brought the mountain Jews into the world.

For Ernst’s seventy-first birthday, Irena has once again baked a cheesecake and decorated it with strawberries. This time he is pleased and says, “Thank you, Irena.” He gets out of bed immediately and sits at the table. Irena sits next to him. He has become thinner over the past few months, but the gleam in his eyes is as sharp as ever. He writes for several hours every day, and each morning he goes over what he has written the day before and continues on. From time to time Ernst asks Irena to bring him a folder from the cabinet. There had been several instances in the past when he had consigned a folder she gave him to destruction. Now it seems that his rage has eased. He reads with a smile and asks her to put the folder back in its place.

Ernst’s writing is progressing. Every day a few more pages accumulate on the desk. Irena is happy that his writing is uninterrupted and that he seldom tears up the paper.

“It’s all because of you, Irena,” he says, holding her gaze.

“Me?”

Ernst likes that sudden look of surprise, which can be seen also in her white neck, her small ears, and her cheeks. She still has within her the demeanor of a young girl, and every time a smile lights up her face, her nose wrinkles.

Most of the time Irena’s thoughts are given over to Ernst, to his meals and his medicine, to creating a pleasant atmosphere for him. Once a week the doctor comes to see him. He’s a tall man and his speech is full of impediments. Ernst asks him some questions and at the same time offers him a few words to use. The doctor is grateful and uses them.

“Has there been a turn for the worse?” Ernst asks.

“I haven’t seen the latest test results yet.”

“Excellent,” Ernst exclaims.

“They’ll certainly come by tomorrow,” says the doctor, not realizing that this will shorten the reprieve.

The riddles of life that appear in the guise of illness confound the doctor, too. He admits that as of now nothing has the power to stop the spread of the malignant cells, but he says that one day, perhaps very soon, we will have the right tools. Ernst knows that this tall man, whose expression displays benevolence and a good heart, wants to encourage him, and he accepts the encouragement without demurral.

“What are you writing about?” the doctor overcomes his reserve to ask.

“About the Jews in the Carpathian Mountains,” Ernst is pleased to reply.

“I come from there, too,” says the doctor, as though he’s been caught concealing something.

“May I ask where you were born?”

“In Vizhnitz.” The doctor is glad that his reply is brief.

“So we’re from the same region.”

“But I left at the age of five. I don’t remember anything from there.” The doctor tries to backtrack.

“May I ask where your family went?”

“To Vienna.”

“Too bad,” says Ernst.

The doctor lowers his head, as though a secret has been revealed. “Recently I met a cousin, and he told me about the Carpathian Jews.” The doctor backtracks from his backtracking.

“Jews of heaven, weren’t they!” Ernst speaks with enthusiasm.

“I had the impression they were tillers of the soil.”

“There’s no soil without heaven,” says Ernst, embarrassing the doctor.

From the first time that Ernst had met him, the doctor aroused his sympathy. Unlike the arrogant specialists, he doesn’t inspire fear. He asks the patient questions and immediately tries to make a connection with him. He’s a tall man, but his height isn’t noticeable in the house. Because of his stooped back, he looks like a Christian minister who has come to visit a member of his congregation who is tormented by pain.

One night, when Ernst was wracked with pain, Irena left her bed and got into his. She hugged his large body and pressed him close to her. When the pain didn’t subside, she got up and rubbed his body with oil and then curled up next to him again. She sensed that her hands were doing what was necessary and that it was better to avoid asking questions. Ernst thanked her by stroking her, then turned his face toward hers. The power of his closeness made her dizzy.

Irena doesn’t let the pain prevail. She gets into Ernst’s bed immediately and lies down next to him. Contact with her seems to soothe him. He turns to her and kisses her brow, and when he embraces her, she feels all of his gentle strength.

43

ONCE A MONTH ERNST RETURNS TO THE HOSPITAL FOR tests. Sometimes they keep him there for a few days. Ernst doesn’t complain — either about his pain or about the treatment. Irena feels that the doctors who are taking care of Ernst are always trying to evade responsibility and to place it instead upon him. Ernst doesn’t get upset. He lays his hand on his chest and says, “The responsibility is all mine.”

When Ernst is in a good mood and writing without pause, Irena returns to her house for a while; she dusts and lights two candles. Since she has started living at Ernst’s house, Irena has lost contact with her parents. She knows that they are used to coming to their own house, but that they wouldn’t dare come to a place that wasn’t their own. So she sits at home and waits for them. The tension brought on by this anticipation tires her.

In the mornings Irena washes Ernst, and if his skin is dry, she rubs his arms and legs with a moisturizing cream. Sometimes she also shaves him and pats rose water on his face. Ernst doesn’t flinch. He has full confidence in Irena’s hands.

Time is short, but Ernst does not feel under pressure. Irena envelops him with moderation and calm. Most of the time she is in her corner or the kitchen, and when she appears, her face is full of readiness to do his bidding.

Ernst gets deeper into his time in the Carpathian Mountains. He knows that what was revealed to him back then has been hidden away over the years. But thanks to Irena, he now has a key that opens the heavy doors. Sometimes he feels that Irena is from there herself, that she’s one of Grandmother’s young granddaughters, or perhaps a great-grandchild who lived with her for several years and learned the rules and customs for serving God, and all the little details that accompany them: how to walk, what to say and when, how to be silent, when to pray silently, and when to pray out loud.

One time Ernst asked Irena, “Weren’t you there?”

“No,” she said, “I was born in a displaced persons’ camp on the way to Israel.”

Irena has changed. She is prettier. Her gestures, which had been reserved, have blossomed. Her vocabulary has also changed. She still talks in the same jumble of languages that her parents had spoken in, but her voice has taken on a special charm. Irena tries to surround Ernst with things that please the eye, with fresh flowers and dried roses. A few days ago she bought a Chinese screen decorated with flowers so that he wouldn’t feel too exposed to the daylight.

At night, when Ernst closes his eyes, Irena is happy just to be at his side and watch over him. From his face she can tell whether his sleep is tranquil or he is being frightened by bad dreams. Once she heard him talking in his sleep in Russian, and it sounded like the recitation of a poem.

Ernst is actually dreaming about Irena. She is wearing an embroidered peasant blouse and a wide skirt that resembles the skirts that the Ruthenian women in the Carpathians wore. He tries to free himself from the bonds of the dream, but his body feels heavy and the bonds are tight. In great despair he tears the ropes with his teeth and runs toward Irena.

“We were together in the Carpathians,” he tells her when he wakes up.

44

THE PAINS ATTACK ERNST AGAIN, BUT HE PERSISTS AND writes every day. After supper he invites Irena to the table and reads to her what he has written. Several times she is about to ask how a little boy grasped so much and in such great detail. Ernst divines her thoughts and says, “I loved my grandparents. It was a hidden love, and I wasn’t aware of it until I started writing.”

“So the purpose of writing is to rescue things from oblivion?” Irena wonders.

“So it appears.”

“What else do we have within us that we don’t know about?”

“Who knows?”

Irena rereads Leyb Rochman’s The Pit and the Trap. Rochman, his wife, Esther, his sister-in-law, Zippora, and his brother-in-law, Ephraim, spent the war together in hiding. They were subjected to every fear that one can experience. Rochman wrote in detail about all of it.

Once a week the tall doctor comes, examines Ernst, and adds one or two prescriptions. Ernst usually doesn’t ask how much time he has left to live. This time he asks. The doctor loses himself in thought for a moment and then says, “Why are you asking?”

“I’m in the middle of important work,” Ernst replies.

Uncharacteristically, Ernst reveals to the doctor that for years he had tried to write, but the writing didn’t come out well. During the past year, he finally found a tunnel to the spiritual treasures that had been buried within him.

“Thank God,” says the doctor, in a way that doesn’t seem appropriate for a doctor.

“I’m in the midst of mining,” says Ernst. “I need more time.”

Ernst’s voice has taken on a strange quality, as though he were asking the doctor for a reprieve. The doctor, a bit embarrassed by his request, says, “You’ll surely manage. ‘If you will it, it is no dream.’ Who said that?” The doctor tries to remember.

The doctor’s equivocal words fill Ernst with new strength, and he writes all morning without taking a break.

Tranquility does not always reign in the Carpathians. Sometimes sudden storms arise from the heart of the forest. In their great rush, they uproot groves of trees, tear the roofs off houses, trample fields of grain and orchards, and kill peaceful animals. Worse than these are the tempests of the soul. A peasant returns from his work, certain for some reason that his wife has betrayed him. Without asking or investigating, he brandishes an ax and kills her. The news travels like lightning. Women and children freeze in fear, but not the murderer. He sits on a bench in the middle of his yard, the red ax in his hand, like a satiated beast of prey.

The priest, the medic, and two policemen are immediately summoned. The killer is asked if he committed the murder, and he nods. The policemen handcuff him, he gets up and begins walking, and they follow him. I did not witness the murder, but I saw the killer, his yard, and the people who stood at the fence of his house and watched with amazement what was happening.

I am shaken, but Grandfather and Grandmother don’t talk about that horror. They are immersed in preparations for Yom Kippur. Grandfather is getting ready to go from house to house and ask forgiveness, and I am to accompany him. Grandfather also intends to ask forgiveness of a non-Jew named Nikolai, who had worked for him for many years. A year ago a horse kicked him, and since then his health has been poor. Grandfather compensated him for the injury and continues to pay him half his salary. The peasant acknowledges this generosity and greets Grandfather warmly. Grandfather tells him that in two days it will be Yom Kippur and that it is important for people to accept the yoke of God without reservation. The peasant agrees with him and says, “Without God, life isn’t life.” They speak and are silent by turns. Grandfather eventually says, “If I’ve harmed you, Nikolai, pardon me.” The peasant bows his head and says, “You haven’t injured me, sir, not in word and not in deed, and may God judge us all for the best.”

Grandfather goes from house to house. His fellow Jews are standing in their doorways, tall and sturdy, and dressed in long smocks. Grandfather approaches each of them and asks for forgiveness. They invoke the name of God and forgive one another, asking for redemption for all the Jewish people.

Grandfather skips one of the houses, the one belonging to Gumborovitz. Gumborovitz’s great-grandfather had been taken in by the deceptions of the apostate Jakob Frank. He converted to Christianity and spread slander against the Jews. Since then the Jews have been careful not to be in the presence of his descendants. I saw Gumborovitz once and was very impressed: he was a tall old man with hair that hung down his shoulders and back. He was walking along the path in silence and with measured steps. Suddenly he stopped and turned his head. I felt his sharp gaze fix upon me and froze.

On the day before Yom Kippur Grandfather doesn’t leave the house. He sits in his chair, either lost in thought or reading a book. Three times a day he opens the shutter and stands in prayer, facing heaven. The sky is clear. From time to time a white cloud passes by. Not only do people prepare for the Day of Judgment; the animals do, too, and the trees.

A few hours before the beginning of Yom Kippur, a drunken peasant enters the yard and begins to sing and curse. Grandfather goes out to him and says something. The peasant is stunned by what Grandfather has said and asks some confused questions. Grandfather takes the trouble to explain things to him, and in the end he sends him on his way.

On the eve of Yom Kippur we are commanded to eat. Grandmother prepares dishes of vegetables and fruit. In Grandfather’s house they don’t eat a lot, nor do they rush, but the walk to the synagogue is quick. “We’re walking along the same path that my grandfather and my great-grandfather walked on,” Grandfather says. On Yom Kippur eve Grandfather mentions them and speaks in their names.

45

ERNST’S PAINS HAVE GROWN STRONGER, BUT HE TRIES TO ignore them. Irena brings fruit, vegetables, and flowers from the market. She believes that fresh juice and a devoted heart are necessary for his health.

Not long ago Ernst would get dressed and go out to the café. Going to the café and returning would stimulate his thoughts, but his writing hadn’t progressed. It remained caught in a thicket with no escape. Now the pains are leading him to places where he had been wanting to go for years. Now he is in the Carpathians at his grandparents’ home. But the day is not too far off when he will return to his parents and from there to Tina and Helga, all of whom live in the womb of the Bug River. They all perished on the forced march to that cursed river. Grandmother, too, at the end of her days, was uprooted from her sanctuary and marched with them all, until she collapsed and never rose again.

“Irena,” Ernst says, “last night I dreamed we were both in the Carpathian Mountains. You asked me why everything in the Carpathians is made of wood. I had a long and detailed answer ready, but the words were blocked for some reason. Then you suddenly spoke up and asked for forgiveness for the question, and you said to me, in a clear voice, ‘All the proper sanctuaries are made of wood, because man is like a tree in the field.’ ”

“I said that? Impossible.”

“You did. I heard it with my own ears.”

Once a week Irena returns to her house. She cleans, tidies, and lights a candle. Since she started sleeping in Ernst’s apartment, gloom has settled in her house. Irena tries to sweeten the sadness that has accumulated there. She brings a bunch of flowers and scatters them on the kitchen counters and on the table. Her faith tells her that she must enlist her parents’ help at this time.

But to her regret, her parents don’t take the trouble to come anymore. Irena feels that their failure to return is bound up with an old desire to separate themselves from her. For years they used to say, You have to go out. You have to build a life for yourself. She wants to tell them, You’re wrong. Now I have a companion for life, and I’m bound to him heart and soul. She has often said to herself, What a shame that my parents never knew Ernst. I’m sure they would have loved him.

Sometimes Irena cooks in her house and brings the food to Ernst. There’s no logic in doing this, but it seems to her that the food she cooks there is healthier. When she returns, Ernst asks her, “How’s the house?” Each time she brings word of something new or affecting. This time she told him that the flowers she had put on the table a week ago had dried nicely, and the house was full of their fragrance.

But the pain doesn’t let up. At two in the morning, and sometimes before that, the pain pulls Ernst from his sleep. Since the illness has gotten worse, the pains have increased and become varied. There are stabbing pains, pinching pains, and pains that throb with intense pressure. Irena has many strategies for easing the pain. She doesn’t always succeed, but some nights Ernst falls asleep in her arms, and he is completely hers.

One night Ernst dreamed that Irena was wearing the uniform of the Red Army and they were speeding somewhere together in a jeep. Suddenly the car stops, Irena gets out, removes her boots, and reveals perfect little feet. Ernst is thunderstruck, sinks to his knees, and says, “Captain Ernst Blumenfeld requests permission to kiss your foot.” Without waiting for an answer, he lowers his head and does it.

46

“IRENA!” ERNST CALLS OUT.

“How can I help you?”

“Nothing special. I want to read you a chapter.”

“I’m glad.”

Irena has noticed that Ernst’s preparations before writing involve a hunching over of his body, to focus his attention. When his attention is well directed, Ernst sees things that he saw in his childhood but also things that he never actually saw with his own eyes, like his great-grandparents. The family had lived in the Carpathians for generations. All the paths around the house, all the fields and orchards, were part of their sanctuary, which consisted of their huts, their storehouses, and the barns that surrounded it all. The woods were also part of the sanctuary, as well as the large black rocks that jutted out of the earth. There were also high, soaring mountains in the Carpathians; if you raised your head to look at them, you would get dizzy.

A neighbor, a frequent visitor, enters the yard, and his appearance is different than it usually is.

“What’s the matter?” Grandfather approaches him.

“The Jews crucified Jesus, and the crucifixion pains me. It’s been paining me for years,” the peasant says, nearly in tears.

“You also believe that the Jews crucified Jesus?” Grandfather asks quietly.

“Everybody says so.”

“And so I say to you that they didn’t crucify him. It’s a lie that people are spreading. Not everything that people say is the truth. You’re a smart man, and you know that not everything people say is true.”

“The priest says so, too.”

“Sometimes even a priest can be mistaken. A priest is a man, not God. You’ve known me ever since you came into the world and opened your eyes. Did you ever see me raise a hand against anyone? Did you ever see my wife, Raisl, shout or curse?”

“No,” the peasant says in embarrassment.

“So why do you say, ‘Everybody says so’? ‘Everybody says so’ isn’t proof.”

Grandfather’s restraint makes an impression on the peasant. He keeps on mumbling, but his mumbling no longer has any force. Grandfather’s words apparently influence him. Grandfather approaches him and says, “You’ve forgotten that we used to work in the fields together. How many years have passed since then? How old were you?”

“Young.” The peasant rouses himself from his distress.

“We hoed the cornfield together.”

“Right. So why did the Jews crucify Jesus?” The peasant goes back to his original question, as if he’d forgotten what Grandfather told him.

“We already talked this over back then, don’t you remember?”

“I don’t remember.”

“I’ll remind you. We all have one God. You go to church, and we go to the synagogue, but we pray to the same God. One God created us all and gave us the Ten Commandments.”

“True,” says the peasant.

Grandfather walks over to the window, and as a sign of reconciliation he takes the bottle of slivovitz from the cupboard and pours two drinks. Both men call out “L’chayim,” and down their drinks. As is the custom here, Grandfather pours each of them another drink. He takes the peasant by the arm and tells him that this year the wheat harvest wasn’t as it had been in prior years, apparently because there was too much rain. Sometimes an excess of blessings can become a curse. The peasant agrees with Grandfather. His fields haven’t done well, either.

The peasant’s house is nearby, and Grandfather escorts him home. Before opening his gate, the peasant tells Grandfather that his daughter has left home and has gone astray and that he plans to kill her at the first opportunity.

“Don’t kill her. She’ll repent,” Grandfather speaks in a soft voice.

“I don’t believe it.”

“You’ll see. Sometimes a person loses his mind, and you have to forgive him. Someone who confesses and leaves his evil ways will be forgiven. That’s what the Bible teaches us.”

The peasant loses himself in thought for a moment and then says, “Who knows?” And he goes inside his house.

After the High Holidays, the mountains are filled with a different silence. Grandfather rises early, prays, and goes out to the fields. Grandmother stays at home and prepares the house for the rainy season. God’s presence is diminished, perhaps because of the low clouds that are always visible in the windows. It’s hard to visualize God in the image of darkness or of melancholy. Grandfather doesn’t come home at noon, and Grandmother brings his meals to him in the orchards in three clay pots.

When Grandfather returns in the evening, there is no joy in his eyes. He opens the shutter and prays fervently, but the prayer doesn’t draw him out of his gloom.

Grandmother serves him a drink and immediately brings another. Two glasses of vodka do their work: Grandfather’s forehead becomes flushed, and a fixed smile appears on his face, as though he was smiling at himself. Grandmother doesn’t ask him how he feels or what he wants to eat. She just serves red borscht in a wooden bowl, a saucer of sour cream, and a pot of potatoes in their peels.

47

THE PAIN IS INTENSE, BUT ERNST DOESN’T SURRENDER TO it easily. He gets up every morning and struggles with his weakness and with the visions that emerge from within him. It’s important to him for his writing to be orderly and the details well chosen. A faulty sentence drives him mad. Years earlier he used to embellish the paragraphs with metaphors. Now he is striving for short sentences, factual, without adjectives. He has declared war against adjectives. Every time he encounters one, he uproots it.

Once a day a nurse comes to gives him an injection to ease his pain. Ernst no longer asks how long he has to live or other questions that there is no point in asking. The nurse, a quiet, devoted woman, reminds him of his daughter. Ernst is certain that if his daughter were alive, she would be like her. During the past month, he has seen Tina and Helga rising up to the surface from the voracious waves of the Bug River. They have become so blended in with the current, it is as if they have become human fish. Ernst is distressed that they have changed their form so that he can no longer approach them. He tries to nevertheless but is blinded by the sparkling water.

One night Ernst woke up, turned to Irena, and said, “Why aren’t we able to love our people the way the Russian authors love theirs? Nothing is simpler than to love. Nothing is more natural than to love. But Jewish artists seem to be handicapped. First they hated those who preserved the tradition and accused them of being primitive and drugged. Then they hated the Jewish shopkeeper and said he was a greedy exploiter who deceived people. And when the Holocaust survivors came, they said they were human dust. Why did Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, Chekhov, and Turgenev love their people, and why aren’t we aren’t able to love as they do?” That thought had clearly raged within Ernst during the night. When he finished speaking, his head sank back onto the pillow and he fell asleep. During the past few nights, Ernst has uttered sentences or sentence fragments in his sleep. Irena understands some of his words, but most of them are garbled and unclear.

Writing has become a struggle against his weakness. Ernst doesn’t give in to it. Every morning he gathers the remnants of his strength, rises, shaves, eats breakfast with Irena, and immediately sits at his desk. Irena is impressed by his determination. A secret belief whispers to her that the struggles are strengthening him and that the time will come when he will stand up, dress, put on his coat, and say, I’m going for a walk. Meanwhile, she is making an effort to stay close to him in every way. She sits at his side and watches his head on the pillow. She holds his hand and places a damp washcloth on his forehead.

A few days ago Ernst turned to her and said, “Irena, dear, even if I’m in coma, don’t send me to a hospice.”

Irena was shocked. She took his hand in hers, kissed it, and said, “What are you thinking of? You’ll always be with me.”

Now Death is a guest in the house. Sometimes he assumes the guise of the tall doctor, who resembles a Christian priest who comes to dying people to hear their confessions. And sometimes death enters as Leiman, the retired man who comes to do physiotherapy with Ernst. More than once Irena wants to say to the tall doctor, We expect the proper medicine from a doctor, not the consolations of a rabbi. Leiman is cynical. One can hear his cynicism in every word he says. Once Irena heard him tell Ernst, “Man is a strange creature, hungry for life. What’s in this life that makes him cling to it so much?” That time she didn’t restrain herself. She went up to him and said, “You don’t have to tell your thoughts to your patients.”

“So what am I supposed to do, sing rosy songs?”

“Keep your thoughts to yourself, and don’t preach them.” She spoke in cutting tones.

Ernst notices that Irena has changed during the past few weeks. She watches over him like a bodyguard, alert and tense, and every time the Angel of Death approaches the window, she rises to her feet and pushes him out. The Angel of Death apparently evaluates her alertness correctly and retreats, but sometimes her obstinate resistance angers him, and he digs in on the windowsill. Irena doesn’t surrender: instead, she closes the shutter. Some nights Ernst sleeps in her arms, and in the morning he rises full of vitality and the will to accomplish things. No one is happier than Irena. She makes breakfast and sits at Ernst’s side for a long time. Toward evening she bathes him and massages his arms and legs with lotion. A few days ago Ernst told Irena that in his regiment there had been a Russian nurse, about twenty-five years old, who had taken care of the wounded soldiers like a mother. She would stay awake all night, singing to them and telling them about life in the Caucasus Mountains. Near the end of the war a shell struck her, and she died in terrible torments. The soldiers in his regiment followed her coffin and wept like children.

48

ONE MORNING ERNST OPENS HIS EYES, GETS OUT OF BED, and says, “Last night I dreamed that I was in my parents’ house. Father lay on the sofa, and Mother was in the kitchen. They were glad that I had come home. I expected Father to say a happy word to me, but he, as usual, didn’t utter a syllable. He looked at me with his tired gaze, which hadn’t changed at all, as if to say, What is there to say? But Mother was overjoyed. She came up to me and said, ‘I’m so glad you’ve come home. I knew that one day you would return, but I didn’t know when. Father didn’t believe it, but I did. Too bad I don’t have anything in the house to serve you.’ Upon hearing her words, Father smiled with the same skeptical smile that would appear on his face after an exhausting day at work in the grocery store. Finally, he overcame his silence and asked, ‘Where are you going?’

“ ‘I’m not going anywhere,’ I replied succinctly.

“Father’s expression was suddenly like a mirror. Now I plainly saw how similar my appearance was to his. Mother apparently knew that. She always used to say, ‘You look like your father.’ But I refused to accept it. I didn’t regard skepticism and moroseness as noble qualities. Now this dream came and, as it were, slapped me in the face.”

Irena listened to the dream and said, “That’s a good dream.”

“How do you know?”

“Your parents are watching over you.”

Irena’s faith is simple, anchored in the God of her parents and grandparents. Her faith has concrete expression: the candles, the dried flowers, the corner where she secludes herself with her parents. Her faith or, more accurately, her beliefs are her secret. She doesn’t talk about them much. Ernst understands some of them, and when he occasionally asks her about them, she is frightened; she blushes and doesn’t know how to answer. Now a new conviction has been added to her beliefs: her faith in Ernst’s writing. It tells her that Ernst is writing important things, perhaps new teachings for life. She expects that Ernst will tell her more about them.

In the afternoon, if his pains subside, Ernst sits in the armchair and reads the Bible. Sometimes he pulls out a word or a verse and talks about it. The Bible doesn’t distinguish between heaven and earth. The patriarchs loved their wives, their open spaces, and their flocks. They were bold nomads and sometimes cruel, but at the same time they heeded heaven. Death didn’t scare them. When a man believes that he is gathered up unto his fathers, death has no dominion over him.

Now the Carpathians are Ernst’s sanctuary. Sometimes it’s plain to see that he isn’t even here but instead is leaning on the trunk of a plane tree or sitting next to a window that leads to heaven. Sometimes it seems to Irena that he’s praying. That’s a mistake, of course. Ernst does look into the prayer book sometimes and is impressed by the prayers, but he doesn’t pray. “It’s doubtful whether a Jew in our day and age knows how to pray,” she has heard him say.

When her soul is filled with everything that Ernst tells her or writes down, Irena feels that she must share her experiences with her parents. She rushes to her house, tidies it, lights a candle, and sits in her chair.

Irena’s parents have come back, and they are happy to hear everything that she tells them. Her only regret is that her words aren’t properly phrased. She worries that she hasn’t told them the important things, that she has instead turned minor matters into major ones. More than once, instead of recounting something, she has wept.

In her sleep Irena accompanies Ernst to the Carpathians. Since Ernst began reading to her about life in the Carpathians, those mountains are always in view. She immerses herself in their darkness and rises with the morning light breaking through the treetops. Sometimes it appears that in the depths of the night Ernst is struggling with the commissars who filled the Jewish storekeepers with dread. His expression is tense, like someone who has drawn his sword from its sheath and is ready for hand-to-hand battle. Once he told her, “The Jewish commissars were the worst of all. They didn’t spare their brethren.” She was horrified, for he included himself among them.

Ernst’s life is now within her body. In one of her dreams she saw him praying with his grandfather, and the next day she told him about the dream. Ernst listened and commented, “I loved Grandfather, and I loved to hear his prayers. But I didn’t know the prayers. My father knew them, but he had lost the ability to pray. When I came to my grandfather, my father’s muteness was already embedded in me.”

Ernst keeps opening windows into his soul. What’s easy for her is like splitting the Red Sea for him. There are many burning places in his life. Every time he approaches them, he is stunned or angry.

“You’re never angry,” he says to Irena.

“Whom should I be angry at?” she says, shrugging her shoulders.

Where does she get that strength? Ernst asks himself and has no answer. Innocence, certainly, but it isn’t an innocence lacking in practical wisdom. Her practical wisdom is accompanied by simple happiness. She never exaggerates, never burdens him with questions, and when she’s distressed, she turns to her parents. Her path to God is always by means of her parents.

49

BY NOW IT IS HARD FOR ERNST TO GET UP IN THE MORNING. Irena washes him and, after drying him off, hands him his razor. Ernst jokes, saying that he’s now reached the level of a baby that needs to be taken care of.

His daily schedule has changed. He’s still awake for most of the day, writing for two hours and reading. He embroiders plans for the future: a book about the Jews of the Carpathians. He’s certain that if he becomes immersed in that enchanted land, it will open its soul to him. He has already carved out a bit, but the way forward is still a long one. The Carpathian Mountains won’t let just anyone enter them. You have to prepare yourself, to shake off the confusions that have stuck to you, and only then can you start from the beginning.

Ernst lies in bed, once again calling up pictures from his past in Jerusalem. His writing had been imprisoned by matters concerning all of mankind, lacking time and place, and distant from his own life. He had once spoken about this with S. Y. Agnon. Ernst had placed great faith in Agnon. He admired Agnon’s devotion to his ancestors and to their faith, and he was certain he would find in him a brother for his way of thinking. But for some reason Agnon didn’t welcome him. On the contrary, he spoke ill of his home city, Czernowitz, of its rabbis, authors, and poets, most of whom, like Ernst, had adopted the German language, developed it, and written in it. He even found fault with some of the great Hasidic masters in his city, or, rather, with their followers. But above all he hated the apostate Jakob Frank, who claimed that redemption would come not to a generation worthy of it, but to one that was unworthy of it. Therefore one should commit many sins, and whoever sinned the most was the most praiseworthy. Frank had polluted many regions, but above all he had laid waste to Galicia and Bucovina.

Now that the pain is robbing Ernst of sleep, he’s sorry he hadn’t devoted time to studying Jakob Frank, to learning how that cheat had managed to tempt women and men with his secret rituals. Who knows what happened to those souls and their descendants? Who has continued to worship Frank in secret and who had atoned for his sins? Ernst agrees with Agnon: wanton souls like the ones that Frank fostered don’t disappear. They are reincarnated and take on new faces in the next generation. But Ernst doesn’t agree that every Jew from the Czernowitz region has to examine his soul, lest a spark of that apostate’s alien fire be reincarnated within him. It angers Ernst that Agnon wanted to exempt Buczacz, his native city, from the possibility of influence of that evildoer and that Agnon attributed all of Frank’s pollution to Ernst’s city instead. It was well known that no city or town in Galicia and Bucovina, including Buczacz, had escaped that reprobate’s poison.

The matter of Jakob Frank darkened Ernst’s relations with Agnon, and he avoided him. Once he met Agnon in Café Hermon and said to him, “My ancestral roots are in the Carpathians, where the Ba’al Shem Tov secluded himself for many days.”

“And how did you get to Czernowitz?”

“My parents ended up there.”

“Too bad,” said Agnon, without explanation.

Ernst has not seen Agnon since that meeting in Café Hermon. Egotistical people weren’t to Ernst’s liking. Agnon’s egotism was mingled with arrogance, and that was a shame. He was the only one from that generation who possessed the key to the world of their fathers, and it was too bad he hadn’t passed that key on to anyone else.

When Ernst wakes up in the morning, he sometimes sees his grandfather before his eyes, but not as he had been revealed to him in his early childhood. Now he is taller, as though heaven had drawn him toward it. Seeing his grandfather, Ernst wants to say, Irena, dear, give me the prayer book. I want to touch its binding, but he realizes that if he says that, he would look foolish to her.

When he is overcome with fatigue, Ernst asks Irena to read a chapter of the Bible to him. Her voice is young, and the verses that she reads have a pleasant sound. She has already read several chapters of Genesis. The Bible stories suit her. Though she may not have the cunning of the patriarchs, their warmth is planted in her.

Irena reads without asking questions. When Ernst questions something, she raises her head from the book as though surprised by what he is asking. She has no reservations, and she doesn’t look for contradictions. She can picture what the scripture recounts.

“Irena,” Ernst says every time she finishes reading a chapter.

“What?” Irena asks, raising her head.

“I just wanted to tell you that you read nicely.”

Every day Ernst discovers a new aspect of Irena: now it’s her fingers. They are long and the joints bulge a little. When she moves an object or a flower, she wraps her fingers around it delicately. Her fingers don’t grasp things tightly, so sometimes she has to use both hands. When she bathes him or rubs his body with lotion, her touch is solid but not heavy.

50

ERNST NO LONGER WRITES WITH MOMENTUM OR WITHOUT interruption. He pauses and reads the little that he has written to Irena. Irena listens attentively. She believes that he is conveying important things to her. She doesn’t know whether they are practical or more esoteric, but she feels that her world is expanding from day to day.

Sometimes Irena thinks that in his youth Ernst trained to be a priest, like Samuel in the Bible, who served Eli the High Priest. Ernst also contemplated nature and people and heard voices, but the circumstances of his life made him stray from the path of his fathers, and he was captured by the enchantments of the Communist Party. Now he was trying to understand why his life went astray, why he served Moloch for so many years, why his ancestors didn’t help him get free of the trap. They are now the focus of his longings. He searches for them in the Bible. He has no doubt that there is a close connection between the patriarchs in Genesis and his ancestors in the Carpathians, but he has no proof.

Irena, to tell the truth, has no interest in questions that are beyond her comprehension. Ernst’s pains and whatever she can do to ease them — most of the time she concentrates on this and this alone. Ernst’s pains are not apparent. He suppresses them, so they are not expressed outwardly, but Irena knows how fierce they are. She makes certain to serve him food that he finds palatable, to give him his medicine at the correct time, to change the pillows as needed, and to distract him. When the pain attacks him, she curls up with him. The wall that once separated them has been completely erased, and she is ready to go anywhere their paths may take them.

Irena is a woman like other women but somehow different. When she sits next to Ernst, or even at some distance from him, it seems to him that she is touching his thoughts. There are no conflicts, reservations, resentments, accusations, or torments of conscience in her world. She blesses that which is good and beautiful or keeps silent.

Often in his dreams Ernst sees Irena standing in wonder among the trees in the Carpathians or working in the vegetable garden. When evening comes, she puts the hoe on her shoulder and returns home.

He is certain that his grandparents would have been pleased with her and would have received her cordially. She, for her part, would have been excited by all the charms of the Carpathians. Irena likes wooden bowls, blue sky, and open fields. When she sees a flower, she is likely to cry. She’s sentimental. Sentimentality doesn’t suit everyone, but it suits Irena. Ernst’s mother and father would certainly have accepted her cordially as well, and they would have been happy with her, too. A house where silence and melancholy reign all day seeks someone whose face glows with life.

“Irena, do you understand me?” Ernst rouses from his reverie and asks her.

Irena doesn’t always know exactly where Ernst is at any given time and what thoughts that place arouse in him, but she can usually guess. When he tells her about the Carpathian Mountains, the sights are not alien to her. More than once she wanted to tell him, Don’t worry. I have been there, too. I’m not a stranger to those paths because you’ve taken me there more than once.

When strong pains wake him and Irena’s embraces don’t work, she doesn’t hesitate to give him an injection to ease the pain. The injection works immediately, and Ernst is so grateful that he hugs and kisses her.

The pain lacerates his body, but Ernst is not a miserable person. Irena’s presence, her closeness, opens corridors for him to worlds he never knew. Or if he knew of them, he was blind to them. He had never imagined such love.

Some nights when Ernst is awake, he tells Irena about previously unknown parts of his life. When he tells her about his grandparents, his face immediately takes on the look of his grandfather: that of a proud peasant with the faith of his fathers instilled in him, his forehead broad and determined. And when he tells her about his parents, his face quickly turns gloomy; their misery clings to his cheeks, and he is as lost as they were. But then the story of his time in the Red Army rouses him to life.

51

SO THE DAYS PASS, AND THEY REACH THE MONTH OF April. Ernst lies in bed most of the day, dozing, reading a book, or watching Irena’s doings. Her body is full, but her movements are quick. The house is tidy and shining, with a vase of flowers or a landscape in every corner. Irena’s taste is like her personality: simple and not overly decorated. The corner where she secludes herself with her dear ones also has nothing that offends the eye. When she has finished the housework, she sits at the dining room table or in the kitchen. “A woman devoted to her house,” says the doctor, but Ernst knows that there is a secret hiding within her simplicity. He has not deciphered it, but he feels it throughout the day.

When evening comes, Irena expresses to Ernst her feeling that life is a continuum that extends into the unknown. There’s no point in listening to the voices of the spirits or of the doctor, who announces each time he arrives that parting is unavoidable. Irena, in any case, won’t leave Ernst alone at any of the way stations that are ahead of him. She now sees him as that low-ranking officer who took command after most of the senior officers were killed or taken prisoner, organized the remnants of the division, and launched a counterattack that defeated the enemy. For that deed he was awarded a medal for heroism by the Soviet Union and raised to the rank of lieutenant colonel.

Irena has worked for Ernst for only three years, but she can’t imagine her life without this house and without him. Her own home has grown distant from her, more like a house where life is mummified. Ernst is a model patient. He seems like a soldier who has been badly wounded at the front, but determination to defeat the enemy burns in his bones. Even now, if someone only gave him crutches, he’d join his regiment.

When Irena discovers this determination, her faith that Ernst will confound all the doctors’ predictions, will rise from his illness and return to his former habits, is strengthened. He still has a lot of work to do, and he will doubtless need a drink or two during the day. The doctors have forbidden strong drink, but to boost his spirits Irena will on occasion secretly give him a shot of vodka. He’ll sip it and look at her with a victorious expression.

There had been days when Kafka’s writings took possession of Ernst, and his own voice was stifled. Thank God, he was no longer under the influence of that great author. Kafka’s focus was entirely inward. Even the exterior was his interior. No wonder he fascinated those who were like him. Ernst explains to Irena why he had been drawn to Kafka and what dangers lurked in that attraction. Now Irena understands most of what he says, and what she doesn’t understand, she intuits.

Later Ernst writes a short letter to Irena, revealing to her that in the coming days he intends to destroy the manuscripts he has accumulated in his cabinet. He is doing this with a calm heart and a feeling of obligation. He will leave only what he has written in the past two years. He asks her not to be angry with him and not to blame herself. Moreover, he regards his latest writing as a collaboration with her. Not only has she been a constant help to him, but she was also the spirit of what he wrote. Therefore, if the manuscript should ever be published, it should say — and this is his explicit desire—“by Ernst and Irena Blumenfeld.” When he finishes writing the letter, he puts it among his papers, closes his eyes, and falls asleep.

Irena’s thoughts are not easily confused. She makes blintzes filled with cheese and raisins. She knows that this is a dish that Ernst savors. The preparations, the frying, and waiting for the moment he awakens direct her thoughts, and she is sure that her life will carry on at this pace for many years. She wants nothing more. Every day with Ernst is a day of spreading her wings and soaring to the heights. If she could take on all of his pains, or even just some of them, she would be happier. Over time Irena has discovered some stratagems for making Ernst happy — for example, handing him his brick-colored shirt in the morning, ironed and fragrant. She knows he likes that shirt, and if he wears it, he will have a pleasant morning.

With every passing month Irena understands Ernst’s language better. He speaks to her in German but mixes in a few Hebrew sentences. She likes that mixture a lot. Over the past few weeks he has been using more Hebrew, and she interprets that also as a good sign.

On several occasions Ernst has expressed regret to her that he doesn’t know Hebrew well enough to write in it. In the past he had envied the author Leah Goldberg, who spoke many languages but adopted the Hebrew language for her writing. To her credit it must be said that she never said to him, When will you start writing in Hebrew? She had read some of his manuscripts and regarded him as an author with a voice of his own. They had sat together several times in Café Hermon or Atara. But now, thank God, he has a road map. His life is no longer one of wandering and confusion. He gets up in the morning, and if his body bears him, he sets out on his way. The Carpathians are a tangled landscape, but he is helped by his memory, and, amazingly, his memory leads him to the black cliffs that reach out from the earth. From there, the way to Grandfather’s sanctuary is short.

When he reaches the threshold of the sanctuary, the smell of wood strikes his nostrils, but more than the smell of wood, the silence is intense. Ernst feels it throughout his body. It wraps him up and takes him away from all the tumult that has clung to him. Now he will dwell there for a few years. He will absorb everything that is both visible and hidden in that silence.

Day after day, Irena feels that she is growing stronger. Sleepless nights leave no mark on her. If she were required to travel a long distance to bring medicine for Ernst, she would go. She feels that much of this strength is in her arms and legs, and she can now make more of an effort.

The tall doctor comes twice a week, adding medicine or changing a dosage. But in actual fact, he comes to converse with Ernst about art. From his youth he wanted to devote himself to literature and art, but his parents forced him to study medicine. First he resisted, but in time he followed their advice and went to study medicine in Vienna. He was hoping that one day, perhaps after he retired, he would start writing. For a moment he forgets that he is a doctor, and he asks his patient about his writing habits and the sources he draws on.

Ernst doesn’t hide the fact that for years he wandered in alien fields but that in recent times he has discovered a reservoir of living water that was hidden within him.

52

ERNST’S SITUATION IS GRAVE, BUT IT ISN’T GETTING worse. The doctor who comes to visit him asks about the secrets of writing, and Ernst tells him. When Ernst says that silence is preferable to speech, the doctor is surprised. What does silence produce and why is it preferable to speech, which connects people?

“Silence is the full expression,” says Ernst.

“But, nevertheless, it’s mute.” The doctor is pleased that he’s found the right words. He raises his head, looks at Ernst, and says to himself: This man is so ill, but still he isn’t lost in the world. He doesn’t preach, he doesn’t make demands upon others, and he doesn’t pretend to know a lot. He works, and he’s glad to be working.

Ernst’s spirits appear to be stable now, and his thoughts are quiet. He doesn’t give up sitting at his desk. When Irena feels that the Angel of Death is lurking near the window, she gets up and drives him away, the way one would drive away a bird of prey.

They sit together for hours, mainly quietly. Irena is now more sure than ever that Ernst’s life will continue far beyond this spring, with its bright skies and pleasant warmth, into the summer, and from there on to the autumn, and then the winter, and on and on.

When Ernst writes a sentence, he strives with all his powers to end it correctly. When he is pleased with a paragraph or a page, his face is bright. Irena recognizes that happiness in every feature. It instantly makes him look younger.

It is now of the greatest importance to Ernst for his writing to be clear, orderly, without superfluity, and without any exaggerations. If a sentence has an air of coquetry or a hint of ornamentation, he crosses it out. He even excised the word “fine” from a sentence because it sounded soft to him. Writing has to be direct and to the point, without twists. Only people who are conflicted in their souls write in arabesques and with vagueness, and it always seems as though they have something to hide.

Good writing has to be like Grandfather’s peasant smock: a simple tunic, with no decoration, comfortable to wear. Once Grandfather told him that there is not a superfluous word in the Bible. Every word counts and has its place.

A few days ago Ernst asked forgiveness of his ancestors, of his parents, of Tina and Helga, but then he took it back. Asking for forgiveness that involves no specific deed is hypocritical. In his grandparents’ generation, when a person sinned, he would go into exile to reform himself and to help the poor and oppressed.

If Ernst had the faith of his fathers, he would have thanked God for showing him the way to himself, to his ancestors, and to his parents. It was easier for him to write about his grandparents than about his parents. His parents had bequeathed to him skepticism and gloom. Those traits had bound up his inner being for years, and they didn’t permit him to look inward. Every time he tried, he heard a whisper of doubt: What will you find there?

But now Irena is with him. Her presence is the gateway to life. In her company, every high or inflated word sounds foolish. Now Ernst uses only those words whose content one can see, words that have no ambiguity, words to which one can reach out, as one reaches for a slice of bread or a pitcher of milk.

When his spirit is ablaze, Ernst envisions himself writing an essay on biblical prose: on word choices, on the severe factuality, on the avoidance of descriptions and embellishments, on the eschewing of explanations and interpretations, on the absence of allusion to externals, on simplicity and straightforwardness, on wonderment with no doubts, on the silence between sentences and between words.

At night Irena dreams that they are walking together in the Carpathian Mountains. Ernst is wearing khaki trousers and a military jacket, with an officer’s cap on his head. He is tall and graceful. Irena also feels light on her feet, and she wonders at the splendid meadows. “When did I become so closely acquainted with this place? After all, I was never there.” She is amazed. Ernst smiles and says, “We were born here. Because of some mistake we were driven from this paradise and cast into exile. But finally the mistake has been corrected, and we have returned to the place where God and man dwell together. And soon we will come to the sanctuary.”

“The sanctuary?” Irena asks in surprise.

“You have nothing to fear. Grandfather’s house is his sanctuary. There is no altar; no one makes sacrifices. It’s just the gateway to heaven.”

Ernst embraces Irena and swings her into the air; he catches her and swings her again. In his arms she is light. She is a bird. She hangs onto his neck. Her hair smells of pine. She breathes in the fragrance and is drunk with it.

“I had a dream,” Irena tells Ernst.

“What did you see?”

“I saw the Carpathians, and in the middle of the meadows there were only the two of us.”

Ernst wants to thank her for pulling him up out of the depths of despair and into a life that has sunlight, but he doesn’t know how to say this without embarrassing her.

In the afternoon Ernst feels better, and he sits down to write. The brick-colored shirt suits his face. The effort is visible in his arms but not in his face. A glow illuminates his brow, and for a moment Irena wants to approach him and say, Ernst, you don’t know how much happiness you gave me when you swung me up. I was so light in your arms.

Later she serves him a cup of tea. Ernst drinks and keeps writing, and Irena has no doubt that it will be this way from now on. Ernst will write, and every day he will discover a new corner of the Carpathians. She, for her part, will watch over him, wash him, prepare the food he enjoys, iron the clothes he likes, and sit by his side. The doctor will come, and they will talk about writing, and she will reinforce the house on every side. No harmful creature will ever dare to approach the window.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Aharon Appelfeld is the author of more than forty works of fiction and nonfiction, including Badenheim 1939, Tzili, The Iron Tracks (winner of the National Jewish Book Award), The Story of a Life (winner of the Prix Médicis Étranger), and Until the Dawn’s Light (winner of the National Jewish Book Award). Other honors he has received include the Giovanni Boccaccio Literary Prize, the Nelly Sachs Prize, the Israel Prize, the Bialik Prize, and the MLA Commonwealth Award. He is a member of the American Academy of Arts and Sciences and has received honorary degrees from the Jewish Theological Seminary, Hebrew Union College — Jewish Institute of Religion, and Yeshiva University. Born in Czernowitz, Bukovina (now part of Ukraine), in 1932, he lives in Israel.

Content

Aharon Appelfeld
Suddenly, Love

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

13

14

15

16

17

18

19

20

21

22

23

24

25

26

27

28

29

30

31

32

33

34

35

36

37

38

39

40

41

42

43

44

45

46

47

48

49

50

51

52

ABOUT THE AUTHOR