Chelsea Martin

Even Though I Don't Miss You

~ ~ ~

I became aroused while I was in the shower, and I started fantasizing about how I might seduce you once I was finished with my shower. I imagined jumping onto you from behind and wrapping my limbs around you. But in my fantasy I sort of hurt you by jumping onto you, and you had also been holding a bowl of cereal that I hadn't imagined until after I imagined jumping on you, and I made the cereal spill all over the floor, and you seemed tired and looked at me and sarcastically asked me if I was trying to seduce you and then you made me clean up the cereal. By the time my fantasy was over and I left the bathroom, I was noticeably irritated.

You said, "You seem in a weird mood."

I said, "You always say something like that when it's actually you who is in a weird mood and you just don't want to take responsibility for your own weird mood because you don't want to take the time to analyze your own feelings in life."

And you said, "What's going on?"

And of course I couldn't say, "I'm really mad and hurt and confused over this hypothetical melodrama I just went through while I was in the bathroom," so I just said, "What the fuck?"

And you said, "What the fuck?"

And I said, "It's an interesting question."

Now whenever someone asks me something about you I say, "I don't know. I don't remember," without even listening to the question.

I've never meant "I love you" so much as when I tried to say it to you by using words like, "resolve" and "supposedly," or when I tried to say it by using a metaphor about waking up with someone else's Band-Aid on.

This poem is about death and, to some extent, life. I'm drinking wine because I'm trying not to drink anymore. Drinking wine is the closest thing to not drinking that I can manage right now.

Is it overbearing of me to text you more than once per year asking if I still have the correct phone number?

If you don't respond, what is the maximum number of follow-up texts I can send within the month?

Does this number change if I email instead of text?

What if in the emails I mention that I have a bad feeling about the state of your health because I haven't heard from you?

What is the maximum number of times I can contact you per year confirming your contact information? I'm just asking.

When I texted you about my party, you texted back, "Who is this?" and I didn't respond and you didn't come to my party.

Of course, it was bound to happen this way. In terms of the sequence of my life and the habits I have as a human, I could have predicted that I would feel this way and you would not know I feel this way and, given that I was once a little girl who felt it was important to pretend to like rice cakes, I was basically designed to internalize my feelings until they became obsessions and the obsessions became part of who I was (like a freckle or tumor) and you were bound to be in my dreams almost every night, everyone should have expected that, and those dreams were going to affect my perception of you, and there should never have been any question that my image of you would warp in my mind and you would become, to me, someone only vaguely resembling the person you used to be, and this fact alone was going to greatly influence my perception of the world. And of course you weren't going to come to my party and of course I was going to pretend to enjoy my party and spend the whole night pretending not to watch the door.

I'm taking screenshots of the image on Photo Booth, instead of clicking the take photo button. There are pizza rolls in the freezer and I've barely considered heating them up. Guess I just feel really brave.

I dreamt about an uneventful trip to the post office. I was in the post office but in the dream you had recently left me, or hurt me somehow. Standing in line at the post office was my attempt at appearing casual about the situation, even though I genuinely felt casual.

I wish I knew it was a dream, though. I would've eaten some pizza rolls or something.

You said, "You have a curly-Q in your pubic hair."

I said, "Oh."

And you said, "Does that offend you?"

And I said, "No, I'm flattered."

Yesterday I saw a girl walking down the street, tears streaming down her entirely unexpressive face, mouth open, while emitting no noise and neglecting to wipe the tears from her face and neck, so now I know for sure I'm not the only person who does that.

I bought you a pair of shoes once. I never told you this, but there was some problem with the shoe selection when I bought them. They didn't have the color I wanted, or I had to go to several stores to find the right size. Something like that. I remember crying.

But then you thanked me too much for the shoes. It was annoying.

You woke up from your nap while I was still watching you. You swore that you would want to make out with me if you didn't happen to be so physically ill. At the time, I thought it was one of the nicest things anyone had ever said to me. Looking back, I think you were just trying to get me to give you my Pepto Bismal.

I've always hated myself because I'm impatient, self-righteous and quick to judge others, but I" m starting to realize that I hold myself to too high a standard, making it impossible to be happy, which is another thing I need to start being down on myself about.

I said, "I think I'm going to be vegetarian."

But looking back, yeah, my feelings are kind of hurt, because I couldn't've been more explicit in saying that I wasn" t going to be giving out my Pepto Bismal that night.

You said, "What was it, again, that derailed your confidence the other day? I can't remember."

I said, "Conspiracy theory about aliens."

And you said, "Ohhh, that's right."

I've been meaning to ask — what is your personal definition of the term 'heat conductivity?'

You told me not to worry, but I wasn't feeling worried. I thought maybe there was something I could be worried about. I tried not to worry about figuring out what it was that I could but should not be worried about. I tried to comfort myself by thinking about the things I knew I could be worried about, each of which I was certain you weren't referring to when you told me not to be worried, and told myself not to worry about them.

You pointed to my backpack and asked if it was a backpack.

I tried to say something to you about my feelings. I was looking for some kind of warmth. A kind of connection to indicate that I was experiencing the same world that someone else was experiencing. I tried to indirectly express this but you said, "Stop talking about heat conductivity, Chelsea. No one cares. I don't even think you care," and you disconnected from chat.

There is a piece of clothing thrown on the floor in the shape of what I look like to myself.

~ ~ ~

Yesterday I cried over a 30-second trailer for a Robin Williams movie I saw fifteen years ago.

I said that I wanted to have a baby.

I said, "My body is strong enough, and it will be a good joke to play on my future self."

Jokes about pregnancy are really funny because you have never thought so.

I said, "It feels like we're at the point in the relationship where I can start pooping with the door open and start saying I love you so much and denying that anyone else has ever been attractive."

It's upsetting to feel so close to someone yet not have the ability to control their thoughts or effectively manipulate their feelings. Sex is ultimately disappointing because a body becoming separate from another body is a cruel reminder that two bodies can't be merged in any emotionally sustainable way.

I'm not saying I felt lonely during sex but if I thought about it afterwards it did seem lonely.

The most romantic love stories are the ones where nobody ever gets what they want because they are always pretending they don't want it.

I said, "When did you first know that you liked me?"

You said, "I don't know. I've always liked you."

I said, "But when did you know that you wanted to date me?"

You said, "I don't know."

I said, "Do you want to know when I first realized liked you?"

You said, "I'm halfway asleep."

Being in a relationship for a very long time feels just like being single except that I can't remember the last time I was alone for more than five hours.

You and I were turning into the same person and growing apart simultaneously, which felt like finally getting the one thing I always wanted, which was learning not to want that particular thing.

What I look for in a relationship is feeling good all the time, but I'll settle for feeling bad all the time. But maybe I shouldn't use the word 'relationship' unless I'm saying it sarcastically.

I would never say this to you, because we always got in fights over stuff like this, but I got this really intense feeling of love for you one time while I was watching you sew a button onto your shirt. I was totally overcome by your beauty or vulnerability or something, and I got caught up in the moment and secretly opened your computer and upgraded you to Hulu Plus.

Today I cried over the same 30-second trailer for the Robin Williams movie that I cried about yesterday because I looked it up again.

Some of my friends have a hard time reconciling the fact that I read poetry on the toilet with the bathroom door open, but they don't read the kind of poetry I read.

Honestly, I'd rather hang out by myself all the time and cry about how hot the shower is than hang out with someone who only wants to tell me 85 % of what goes on inside their heads. I wish I were the type of person who had 13–15 friends and liked each one of them with about 10 % interest, because I would end up being at least 130 % interested in my friends. I think I could probably spend about 3 hours finding the solution to that math problem, mostly because I always forget how to use the division button on my calculator, but also because this issue barely qualifies as a math problem. I guess I'm lonely.

Your friendship is merely an opportunity for me to spread my philosophical views.

Maybe I write because no one will shut up long enough for me to talk. Maybe I just need a quiet girl friend.

All I want from life is to creatively express myself.

And be admired for it.

And be rich because of it.

~ ~ ~

Sometimes when I'm laughing I realize how long it has been since I've laughed with or around you. I swear it gives me such a deep feeling of strangeness that it shocks me and throws me into this strange ultra-consciousness in which I can only move my body like it's a puppet and I feel so far away from myself that I can almost see the curve of the Earth.

Sex is so weird. There's always that moment like who is going to undress me?

People like to pretend they don't want things when they want them very badly. It's kind of like how I don't like ugly people but it has nothing to do with their looks. It's their personalities.

Something about you seems so familiar. This is a weird question but do you have any personal philosophies having to do with pants? Perhaps some strong opinion about giving pants as gifts? And not to ever do it?

I would like to say something about how the experience of "now" is just a selection of memories being re-appropriated and slightly altered to benefit one's preexisting ideas about what how "now" should be perceived, and that the memories being appropriated for this are just old "nows" that have gone through the same process.

I feel like everything I write could be mistaken for theory about Adobe Photoshop's Clone Stamp Tool.

~ ~ ~

I'm listening to fugues on YouTube and trying to find some way to compare our relationship to the fugues. They are so familiar. But I think our relationship is not like a fugue. A fugue is like a trap door in that it is pointless until just the moment when it becomes useful. Sometimes the simplest trap doors are the most profound. Anyways you didn't ask me anything about the fugue.

I momentarily forgot that you were not just an appendage to me and I said, "Do you want to make an OkCupid account?"

You said, "What are you talking about?"

I said something unintelligible while piecing together newly-forming ideas such as the fact that you were a separate body from myself, that we were dating, that what I said was unprofessional, and that 'unprofessional' wasn't the right word to use to describe my behavior, since this wasn't a workplace; 'inappropriate' was better, or 'confusing,' or 'bad.'

I made a goofy face and looked at my wrist as if I had a watch on, in reference of some kind of sketch comedy situation I think.

You said, "I'm not sure what's going on."

One time you accused me of ovulating and I said, "WHY? BECAUSE I'M TALKING ABOUT CHOCOLATE-COVERED HEART-SHAPED MARSHMALLOWS?"

The space in my life I've designated for you seems to be much too big, and you seem to have a low to medium-level interest in being there.

You said that my queef sounded like the end of a ketchup bottle and I somehow felt happy about that. It's like I'm trying too hard to feel happy.

Sometimes I'm so aroused and all I can do is frantically eat birth control pills.

I meant for that to sound more punk rock.

I am the strong, female lead in my own currently-in-development novel, and I can do anything I put my mind to, even if it is remaining in a very difficult and frustrating relationship with low emotional payoff.

Not that that's what's happening.

You said, "This conversation has no basis in reality but I guess that's because relationships are only interesting in concept," after I had said something like, "I'm not sure if you actually like me or if you're just here," although what I meant to say was, "Please hold me because if you don't I don't know what I'll do," but after I had said it I felt like you would interpret it more like, "I think neither of us could do any better but that's not really a reason to stay," and that you were about to ask, "Do you ever visualize us together in the future and feel disappointed?" and that the simple answer would be, "Yes" but more specifically, "Not even very far into the future."

Romance is such a funny term.

Funny as in, "I have a fake body part. Guess what it is."

The protagonist in my novel is called 'I,' and she doesn't even know that she's in love with the French antagonist until she kisses him and then explains that she, "normally doesn't kiss French boys unless [she] believe[s] that it will increase [her] overall emotional stability and/or preserve the positive aspects of [her] self-image in terms of spontaneity, recklessness, and international significance."

There is moment that foreshadows the kiss in the beginning of the novel where someone asks the protagonist and the French antagonist if they are dating and the protagonist and the French antagonist both say, "No," at the same time.

Then the French antagonist says, "That was one of those moments where one person is like," and he shakes his head vigorously, "And the other person is like," and then he nods his head vigorously.

And the protagonist says, "Were you going," and nods her head vigorously.

And the French antagonist says, "No."

It kind of feels like I keep writing the same thing but maybe I just keep being the same person.

Later in the novel, joint purchases are alluded to, and the French antagonist gets a haircut at the protagonist's request.

Protagonists in novels can be selfish and awful and manipulative and pathetic and still we read page after page and call them 'true' and try to see ourselves in them.

I'm jealous that that's the way it works for protagonists in novels.

I guess I'm still coming to terms with the fact that when I walk out of a room the story line continues in the room I just left instead of following me around like a security camera.

Sometimes you would look at me in this way that said, "I haven't heard a thing you've said in three years," and then you would make a joke about how shitty my new recipe was.

Well if you hate my new recipe so much why don't you get a restraining order against it?

I feel heartbroken today, but I don't know. Sometimes I get that way when I'm fucking hungry.

Sometimes it seems like the whole day is spent listening to songs about you. I think of what you might be doing in the world at that particular time, and I try to imagine you doing it. I try to think of something to say to you while you do this imaginary activity, and I slur the most important part.

I'm visualizing the letters that make up your name, but my brain has written it in Courier and the font size is too small and I feel irritated by it.

~ ~ ~

At a bar, you touched my knee repeatedly.

I happen to believe that people outside of myself can't incite feelings in me, that the feelings I am capable of feeling are the ones that I will feel when my body finds that it is the time to feel them, regardless of who happens to be near or against me at the time.

The touching seemed to be accidental at first, a very slight touch with the back of your hand during dramatic gesturing during climactic points in our conversation. We were drinking whiskey.

I said, "Happiness is my new favorite thing to talk about because it makes me feel horrible."

We talked about the different ways happiness is portrayed in books and movies. Finding happiness, losing happiness, cultivating happiness.

You said, "Happiness is so nice that it almost makes life worth living."

My friend Megan was talking to your less attractive friend. She had started drinking before we went out so that she would have the courage to appear composed and confident in front of you, but ended up talking to your less attractive friend and looking a little sad and drunk.

I attempted to make a non-pathetic and non-convoluted smile for Megan but a pathetic and convoluted one was all I could come up with. She didn't look at me and I thought maybe I shouldn't've smiled at all.

You made constant eye contact as you talked to me and your eyes were both too close together and too close to my eyes, which are having trouble figuring out what to look at.

Everything I said to you was so funny that I didn't want to stop talking to you and miss any of the funny things that might come out of me.

It is something to consider, if we're making a list things to consider, that most relationships are mirrors of yourself, and that those who you choose to be around is largely dependant on what you want to see in yourself at that time. There wasn't even enough time to say all the funny things I was thinking of, so I began excitedly typing them into my phone.

You said, "Who are you texting?"

I said, "I'm not texting."

You said, "I have the confidence to talk to you about happiness because I am drunk and because you gave me a nickname earlier today."

I said, "What was the nickname?"

You answered, or began to answer, but I couldn't hear the answer over the increasing volume of the bar noise.

You said, "Do you have a lot of ex-boyfriends?"

And I said, "No."

You said, "Do you stalk them on the internet?"

"No."

You said, "Yes you do. Everyone does."

I said, "I don't."

You said, "You don't go on their Facebook pages and stalk them?"

And I said, "I've been to their Facebook pages but not very often."

You said, "Yes you do. Everyone does."

And I said, "No, I don't. You're projecting."

And you said, "I'll admit it. I stalk my ex-girlfriends on Facebook. Everyone does it. I'll admit I do it."

I felt this compassion for you suddenly, which isn't something I feel a lot. I imagined you alone in your apartment, masturbating and trying to write an online dating profile based on the clues about yourself you think you've found on your ex-girlfriends' Facebook pages.

I said, "I don't know. I don't think so."

At the bar, I ordered another whiskey, even though I wanted beer, because I had told everybody that I was gluten-free and we had this whole conversation about how I couldn't drink beer. My stupid whiskey came and I stupid drank it.

"I wrote a story," you said, in a tone that indicated to me that you thought you had revealed something intimate about yourself.

If we were actors I think the camera would zoom in a little to appreciate the calculated tempo of my eyes as they shift from Point A (the top of your left shoulder) to Point B (your left eyebrow) to Point C (a hair on your chin) to Point D (a freckle on your cheek).

Megan and I had been on her porch earlier, sharing nostalgia for when we were teenagers, for when we lived together and shared everything, yelled goodnight to each other from our rooms on opposite sides of the apartment, and fought about the chore chart. She said we would never have the same closeness again.

On her porch I thought she was referring to our proximity, but I was beginning to think she meant something else.

I said, "What is the story about?"

It had been a few minutes since you touched my knee, and I wished that you would touch it, and you did touch it, and I felt silly for having wished it, and I wished you hadn't've touched it. You touched it again later and I felt silly again, but to a slightly lesser degree.

~ ~ ~

Once when we were fighting I went around the apartment pretending to water the plants. When I was done I said, "I've watered all the plants no thanks to you." A few days later I remembered that I hadn't actually watered the plants, and I checked them and they were very dry. I was mad that you hadn't thought of watering the plants, even after the comment I had made a few days prior about you not watering them. So I pretended to water all the plants again and picked a fight with you about how I shouldn't even have to water the plants since they were mostly yours. A few days later I was mad about something else but I checked the plants again. The plants were looking pretty bad so I said, "The plants are dying, I guess I'll water them like always."

I remember I had said, "Do you hate me?"

And you had said, "Yes." Then you said, "I hate you."

I drank two full glasses of water, one after the other, because my body couldn't cry while it was drinking water. To believe in evolution is to believe that these kinds of bodily responses have somehow supported the survival of our species.

Before the do-you-hate-me-yes-I-hate-you, I felt like we were living some kind of Truman Show rip-off, in which I was an actor hired to make you believe certain things about your life, and you were Truman, except that you were cognizant the whole time of the fact that I was acting. But we kept living this way because neither of us wanted to talk openly about the situation for fear of what might happen if we were both aware that we were both aware that we were both aware.

I thought I was done writing about you after I did a Find and Replace for your name in all my Word documents and replaced your name with forward-slash. After the Find and Replace, I felt like I was only one person again. It felt bad, like nobody else was me with me. You weren't taking part in my being anymore so I was only myself. I don't know how else to say it.

It didn't turn out to be a very practical choice to do the shitty things I did to you. I didn't consider that I might grow into someone who could no longer rationalize treating someone so poorly. And writing poems isn't really the most efficient way of relieving guilt.

I want to squint right now to help explain what I'm feeling but this poem can only ever be words.

Please accept this poem as a formal cryptic nameless public half-apology. It means something to me to see the words written out, like I have a choice to believe them or not. So many hundreds of times I've woken up in the middle of the night with this mysterious bad feeling, and when I'm just about to give up trying to place why I feel bad, I think of what I did to you and my heart gets hot. I don't know if for you or for you-in-quotations, which would indicate that I have something more in mind than what is immediately apparent, which I don't really know what that would be, so probably you without quotations.

Maybe it's condescending of me, and further damaging to you, to assume I had an impact on your wellbeing that warrants this kind of nighttime mania. I will add this to my giant list of shitty things I've done to you. In fact, I am prepared to add any number of things to my giant shitty list.

Sometimes the sun is so elusive, like it knows it has a place in my heart. Is it pointless to compare you to the sun? Does it seem inappropriate to describe the sun as haunting?

I wish you could see all the backspacing and retyping I've done to get here. Maybe things would be different if you knew about all the backspacing and retyping.

~ ~ ~

Somewhere in the infinitely expanding universe there must be another living entity with a set of feelings that compares to the feelings I have, and I hope that whoever or whatever is experiencing those feelings also has the psychic inclination to write a book of poetry and send it to my home address for my own shallow, desperate consumption. I feel pretty optimistic about this happening, actually.

I'm going to try not to hold you to any specific standards. You've asked me not to, so I'm going to try not to.

I hated it when you would disregard another girl's feelings. I only wanted you to disregard my feelings.

It seems like you're moving slightly away from me and it makes me afraid of the Laws of the Universe but I'm afraid to mention it because the phrase "Laws of the Universe" seems so 80's.

You can't capture something that is casually walking away. A vehicle in motion can never reach its goal, unless the goal is to remain completely stationary, in which case there's no point in even getting there. Meaning movement is a ruse, which is a metaphor for life. Although I hope you're not looking for answers. I write for a blog about fairies and I've been brainstorming for four months about what I should post to your wall for your birthday.

When I use an umbrella (an object I have a hard time associating with you in any way — is it that there was no rain when we were together?) I experience that umbrella as lacking the wash of you that contaminates much of my life. I have trouble even addressing the umbrella because I'm not certain I know where I stand with it.

It probably seems like I've never read Catcher in the Rye, but I want to point out that I am desperately trying to convey that I've read it very recently.

When I kissed myself on the hand I was kissing it in the way I used to, imagining my mouth was your mouth, and my hand your hand, that I was you kissing your own hand.

I was trying to retain some kind of closeness with you, your mouth, and your hand.

Out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw you but it was just the folds of my pillow. But you looked kind of hot.

I think I must have some kind of thing for romance. Some kind of sick thing.

I guess the mass of all things you love in the world is less than or equal to the combined weight of all the hearts you've mishandled. I guess that's something most people already know by the time they're my age.

I don't know why I'm explaining this. Everybody has already done what I've done and thinks what I think.

I think I'm at a point in my life.

I said, "You look disappointed by something."

You said, "You're not hurting anyone's feelings, Chelsea."

Anyone with the loosest grasp of the theory of evolution should have known that I was bound to pick up the phone at this time each night and scroll through my contact list just to see your name float across the screen as some kind of concrete proof that you still exist in the world, as if that indicated that you were somehow taking part in this lonely internal struggle.

Loosest grasp.

I repeated for you a string of words that I had been told and I asked you to drive me to work. I cried in the car. It felt like I was crying in the car not because of the string of words that I had heard and repeated to you, which was an upsetting string of words, but because I had forgotten a piece of paperwork that I needed to bring with me to work. When I called my boss and explained the paperwork and explained why I was crying, he told me not to come to work and not to worry about the paperwork, and I cried for what felt like this massive desire to go to work and do paperwork. Instead, you took me to a thrift store and I bought Nascar-themed bed sheets while feeling generally okay (and feeling down on myself about feeling generally okay).

At some point I started crying because I remembered something disgusting and horrible I had said years ago. I tried to think of the awful string of words as I cried about this, hoping that the crying would count for both things.

The next day I didn't cry at all, though I almost cried when you singed some of my eyelashes off by playing with a lighter too close to my face. I felt sorry for you for singeing off my eyelashes. You must have felt so clumsy and ridiculous.

~ ~ ~

I'm starting to feel a bit anxious over how high my heart rate must be because of the anxiety I have over how wound up I am over the panicky feeling I experienced a few seconds after I woke up. I usually only experience that kind of waking panic when something has happened that makes me feel startled when I remember it (after having been asleep not thinking of it), even though, intellectually, I understand that it was only some kind of random panicky feeling that I had experienced, and that most people probably experience things like that once in a while without throwing themselves into an anxiety feedback loop, which in itself is anxiety-inducing.

Maybe I'm just late for work.

Sometimes when I'm at work I think, "I work here," and try to imagine looking at myself in the mirror instead of doing any work.

My manager once told me I reminded her of one of our customers. Then she asked someone on the other side of the room to do something that was part of my job while I stood there halfheartedly looking around for something to do.

You said, "It seems like you're strategically planning your mental breakdown so it fucks over your manager at work."

I said, "I'm just trying to fuck over anyone I can these days."

The beautiful thing about life is that you can just hit CTRL Z whenever you say something you shouldn't've said.

I usually wake up inspired to write the next great American novel and by midmorning I've settled on writing the next great American soup can copy.

This is how you can enjoy the present while dreading the future, regretting the past, and not even honestly enjoying the present.

I love my job because I get to work alone. I can cry as much as I want to.

In the movie version of this poem you will be played by a revolving cast of similar-looking actors, causing viewers to feel confused about and unattached to your character. Any personal connection your character may have with the protagonist (played by me) will be shallow, minor, and fleeting.

The last time you texted me, you addressed me as "Anise," so I think there must be some confusion about my phone number, or it got entered into a new phone incorrectly, or you don't have it anymore.

I am watching a skull walk toward me and then pass me and then walk away from me, propelled forward by interior nonsense resembling sense. Now the skull is gone.

I said something horrible and I can't take it back because it has been said already. It is history. For the rest of my life I'll be the kind of person who says the kind of thing that I said.

Before I said it, I had been having a lot of trouble sleeping. I would stay up counting seconds in my head, trying to be as accurate as possible, trying to count sixty in just the time it took my digital clock to turn a minute.

~ ~ ~

There is something about you that makes me want to have a bad day on purpose so I will have something to write about in my diary.

Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, I'm keeping a diary now.

You would say, "That is so stupid, you're being irrational, don't do that," with your glass raised halfway to your mouth.

It's possible that I am hearing something different than what you think that you are saying. It's possible, in a world where it isn't possible to confirm that we are seeing the same colors in the same way as one another, it is possible that certain breakdowns in communication are possible. It's possible, for example, that you are experiencing the air density differently than I am. It's possible that you are experiencing the word 'commitment' differently than I am. How could it surprise me, given how layered and complex the world is, and how our personal experiences interfere with our perception?

There is something about you that makes me want to cry into the phone and possibly yell, and then use what you say to try to calm me down against you at another time, or gossip about it later behind your back.

You lied on top of my back and I said, "What do you want?" and you didn't say anything and I said, "Answer me."

You said, "I don't know. I'm just doing this."

I felt bad for you. What I want and what I want are usually two different things.

My hands hurt from how much I've typed about you in my life. Perhaps the muscles in my hands wouldn't be so strong if I hadn't had to type all these things about you. It makes one wonder, doesn't it? Doesn't it make one wonder? Doesn't it just fill you with wonder? Or doesn't it?

I wonder how improbable is it that I should be drinking whiskey and feeling sorry for myself (in an obviously original way) tonight?

How many millions of years of evolution did it take (I'm yelling this part! I'm angry!) for humanity to arrive at a point where I might aimlessly type symbols into a machine that I can't begin to understand, hoping to find clarity while feeling definitively drunk?

The ability to connect unrelated moments and feelings and concoct elaborate stories about their meaning is one of my favorite evolutionary adaptations.

I said, "Real life is not like the movies."

You said, "I'm so tired, Chelsea. Just give me a fugue."

~ ~ ~

I feel overwhelmed by the burden of context. The bigger picture is an illusion, something we" ve made up about the meaning of the bits and pieces that we want to understand. There is no great romance, there is only a series of unremarkable moments, made significant by connecting each moment to select other moments that enhance the bigger picture that you want to see in the first place.

I put my makeup on wrong today and didn't fix it.

I'm not emotionally advanced enough to talk about what I'd like my feelings to be without giving away what my actual feelings are, or to problem-solve without making myself unattractive. Although I don't know why I care. Everyone thinks I'm really great even though that's an unattractive thing to say and even though I tend to say it a lot. Well, that's not exactly what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying I would say if I was saying something I would never say.

Most people can't recognize their own future when presented with a selection of possibilities, which is probably a symptom of perpetual distraction and a shallow understanding of the term goal.

Attaining goals doesn't really count as a goal because it's basically the equivalent of a t-shirt that says FASHION, but that t-shirt idea is actually something I'm trying to sell on my website so I guess this is an advertisement for that.

You said, "It looks like you've been crying."

I said, "Great."

You said, "What? I meant that in a good way."

You said, "Chelsea, you would like this, my brother is marrying this woman whose sister is marrying my other brother."

I said, "Thank you, I do like that."

I'm trying to stay optimistic but every ten seconds I have to try to remember that I like myself.

You said, "Chelsea, do you remember Greg? He lived on — what's that fucking village? On the hill? And made glass bongs?"

I said, "Yeah. I think if I could be anyone in the world I would be Greg. Or his girlfriend."

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I thought I should write a love song about you, since you're not here. I'm not going to contemplate the reasons that you're not here. Anyways love songs are always written in solitude.

I wanted it to be a French song but I only know two French words and have no background in music and one of the words is croissant.

It goes:

When you came over, you told me I was depressed, told me I was lazy, stored some frozen meals in my freezer, and passed out on my bed.

I felt like you had somehow accessed my erotic imagination.

You forgot to take your shoes off before you got in my bed.

I wanted you to hold me tightly, and you did, so thank you.

I don't have control over who I love but you seem to not want my love but I'm okay with that. Like my little lamp knows I love it even though I won't buy it a new bulb. Love is a strange thing.

I am told that love is not real. I am told that it would not even exist but for five or ten synapses inside the human skull, synapses which rarely receive credit for such monumental forces of human contribution. The person who tells me these things is someone I don't care for, obviously.

I freely and openly believe that our relationship had little or nothing to do with synapses!

What do I have to do to convince people I don't believe in synapses!

I would think of our relationship as one long uncomfortable silence, but I seem to keep talking.

I guess I just keep talking. I keep expecting to hear something. Are these words finally going to be the words that indicate what is meaningful? Or if I just keep talking, maybe someone will eventually interrupt me and say something. If this is what I'm supposed to be writing about, then good, I feel better.

I'm trying not to think of your text message inbox as my personal diary.

I'm looking to make a connection tonight.

A love connection. With just a friend.

I mean, I'm looking for someone new, a friend, someone special but not a special friend, but someone who will be in love with me.

If anyone feels like they could be in love with me then I think we should just be friends.

The main thing wrong with the world is that each person has to continue to be herself long long long long long long long long after it's become completely unbearable.

I'm having shrimp cocktail, or I was when I thought of writing that. Shrimp cocktail must be someone's idea of seafood. I miss you!

The main problem is that if you read this, maybe you will relate to it, and if you relate to it, that means that you too are trying to gain insight into your own confusing and ultimately meaningless existence, which means you are not thinking about me, but only yourself, and that's not really my goal.

I've always hated myself. That wasn't so hard to say.

I wish the world were different. I wish shrimp cocktail were different.

I'm trying to learn. Maybe I'll change.

The last time I really changed was when I got a bad haircut, the only thing that really changed was that I started telling people I was a girl.

This is my love song for you. It's called I Spent Fifty Hours Making This Even Though I Don't Miss You.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:

Thank you, thank you, thank you to: Ian Amberson, Elizabeth Ellen, Aaron Burch, Alese Osborn, Mike Young, Lauren Cohen, Hannah Finnie, Josh Pancer, Laurel Gunnarson, Sarah Warren, Paul Henri, and Mom. And also big thank yous to: Riley Michael Parker, Gabby Bess, Ben Bush, Abigail Young, and Prathna Lor for publishing and/or working with me on this material previously.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Chelsea Martin is an author and illustrator living in Oakland, CA. www.jerkethics.com

Content

Chelsea Martin
Even Though I Don't Miss You

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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:

ABOUT THE AUTHOR