Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine. Vol. 133, No. 5. Whole No. 813, May 2009

Off Paper

by Patricia McFall

Patricia McFall is a freelance writer, editor, and journalist who also teaches fiction writing. She’s the author of the suspense novel Night Butterfly and a half-dozen short stories, three of them (including this one) mysteries and all published in EQMM. See 2004’s “The Foreigner’s Watch” and 2005’s “The Resurrection of Daniel Mason.” The latter featured Lane Terry, the performance artist.

Whenever you’re playing a role, you’re lying, which may be why all of Southern California wears the unfair mantle of Hollywood’s artificiality. But be nice. We’re only practicing our lines. I’m a good liar because I used to be an actress, more of a performance artist, really, but now I practice in the line of work. As a private investigator, I sometimes have to assume an identity. I work as Lane Terry & Associates, and that last word is technically another lie, nothing more than a performance with a supporting cast when I need one. I prefer to act alone, in both senses.

With an agency located in luxurious Laguna Beach, I often call upon my theatrical background. Recently, my being a good actress even saved lives — mine, for instance.

I’ll start with the woman standing in my open office door staring at the lettering on the glass. A mousy little woman about my mother’s age, tail end of the Baby Boomers, but that was the only resemblance. Mom is well kept, in an artistic, natural-beauty, wouldn’t-think-of-plastic-surgery, handcrafted-clothes-and-jewelry kind of way. This woman’s sloppy T-shirt, padded vest, and stained grey relaxed-fit jeans weren’t aimed at effortless classic style. They were aimed at keeping the rain off and the wind out, and could as easily have come from a shelter as a thrift shop.

I wondered if she was some poor soul who had lost her home and family and was in need of someone to share with. She surprised me by opening the door, giving me a sharp look, and asking, “Are you Lane Terry or an associate?” When I said I was Lane Terry, she mumbled that she’d expected a man, and that I looked awful young to be an investigator.

I get this underestimation all the time if I don’t dress right or wear makeup. I’m twenty-six, but since I look younger, these days I’ve taken to wearing my hair expensively cut to shoulder length with feathery bangs I can peer intelligently out from under. I also acquired a business wardrobe of sorts.

But at that moment, my expensive hair was stuck up under a baseball cap, and I was wearing deck sandals, a pair of khaki cargo shorts, and a Hawaiian shirt in aggressive tropical-bird colors. Maybe I looked like a surfer, but I was culturally appropriate since it’s a beach town and the morning had been unusually warm for March. Besides, why should she care? She didn’t have an appointment.

I grabbed a pair of horn-rimmed glasses with zero prescription I keep by the phone. Not much, but the only prop I could find on short notice, and this was improv. I stuck them on and asked, “Did you have a question about something?”

All she did was stare back, looking forlorn, catching her breath from the walk up the hill. I almost felt sorry for her, but my clients generally come from referrals, and she was a walk-in. I wanted her to make her point so I could get some work done.

She took a quick breath and said, “I need you to find my daughter.”

Outside, a driver honked at a too-mellow pedestrian carrying his Boogie Board across the street in a leisurely mid-block diagonal. With her back to the windows, the woman couldn’t see, but she flinched and glanced over her shoulder. She was still out of breath, so I offered her a chair.

She sank into it, sighing, “Lord, what a hike.”

It was. My new hilltop office is on a nice little side street near the public library. People who can’t find a parking place have to walk, and a lot of visitors to Laguna Beach don’t know where to look for one. It’s like cracking a cipher. I consider it good exercise for them and always give newcomers a minute to defib before I ask any questions.

But she didn’t wait. “I’m Ruth Holloway,” she said. “My girl’s seventeen, be eighteen in June. Her name’s—” she hesitated, which struck me as unusual — “Megan Doyle, but she could be using some other name. See, she run off from our home in Westland. Just a little town nobody’s ever heard of, population of two thousand. It’s south of Jackson in Calaveras County, off Route Forty-nine, up in the gold country where they have the Jumping Frog Gun Show?”

I nodded, though I had never been there, or to a gun show, either. I have nothing against frogs, but I don’t much like guns.

Ruth went on, “Megan took off about six months ago. The law was no help. They said half the kids in a little town take off.” She winced out a smile that showed how agreeable she’d look if she made a habit of it. She shrugged. “Guess they can’t stand the peace and quiet.”

I knew about small towns, even if this was a glamorous one. They do get to feeling smaller in your teens, and I’d done my walkabout, too. But there was something about her. This woman was afraid of something, and she was telling lies, even if they were masked by some truth.

Now that I was suspicious, I made a point of asking her why her daughter took off. She studied her ragged cuticles and shrugged, not even bothering to come up with a story. “My husband’s strict, and she — she disobeyed him.” Her voice squeezed off, her expression crumbled, and she started crying. I handed her a box of tissues. Oh boy, I thought, there’s an iceberg right underneath here. I wondered about the “my husband,” not “her father,” and the different last names. Megan’s stepfather? I tried not to feel too sorry for Ruth. My kind-of-boyfriend Sean thinks I could afford to toughen up a little, that it takes a big shield to cover such a big heart. I don’t know about that, but I do know I don’t like to watch someone who’s hurting, so I have to guard against manipulation.

Ruth blew her nose. Then she wiped her eyes and told me between sniffles that the family got information on her daughter’s whereabouts, that Megan had apparently been at The Little Church on the Hill, where they helped street kids in Laguna Beach. I knew the place, and I’d heard that they were good people. In fact, I had sent a few lost kids up there, one not long before.

Ruth said she’d been to talk to “a lady preacher,” but the woman wouldn’t tell her a thing, not even whether Megan had been there. She said, “And I knew she was there because she called a friend from there.”

But Megan hadn’t called home, had she? I waited for Ruth to finish.

“I don’t know what kind of Christian that so-called pastor thinks she is,” she snapped, and I could see a nasty edge to her now.

“How do you mean?” I asked evenly.

“Well, Miss Terry, I shouldn’t have said that. She was acting like some government bureaucrat, you know, talking all about how they don’t give out information. I’m sure she was just doing her job.” She paused for me to respond, which I didn’t, then answered herself. “But she thinks her job is to keep kids away from their own parents. Well, but I’m sure she was doing right as she seen it...”

Ruth Holloway gave me the impression that she could easily change her opinion a hundred and eighty degrees just to avoid the listener’s displeasure. I had seen this kind of conversational dodging before, from someone I met at a women’s shelter. Maybe I was reading too much into it, but I was curious enough to ask her what they’d already done, whether they’d officially reported the girl missing to the unhelpful police in Westland or been in touch with our locals. No to both. Maybe I did feel sorry for her, but I was running out of time, patience, and a good reason to get involved.

“Can you show me some identification, Mrs. Holloway?”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” she said, putting a hand to her lank hair and looking away. “I come down here in such a rush I must have forgot it.”

“That can happen,” I said. Her body language and her eyes both told me she was lying. “Do you have a picture of Megan?”

That she had remembered to bring. She hooked a finger into a vest pocket and extracted a snapshot of a dark-haired teenager leaning over a picnic table in the desert, looking up as she reached into a cooler for something. She was wearing a pink T-shirt and a denim mini that showed off long, well-tanned legs. Even so, I could see some family resemblance. The daughter was delicate-boned like the mother, but her expression was full of independent spirit that had yet to be extinguished. Pretty, smart, and her own person. No wonder she was out of there.

One more thing about that picture: I immediately recognized the girl as the one I’d sent to the church less than a month before. I’d seen her on the sidewalk in front of the library, she panhandled me, and before I gave her my five-dollar contribution I talked to her long enough to tell that she wasn’t a druggie or a crazy that needed other kinds of help. On the contrary, she seemed like a nice kid. I told her about the church, and she smiled happily, thanked me three times, and took off straight up the hill. I hadn’t seen her since.

I looked back up at Ruth, thinking that with such a weird family, Megan could be running away for good reason. I heard myself say, “Tell you what, Mrs. Holloway. I don’t see how I can take you on as a client, because I just don’t have enough to go on, but let me tell you what I can do. I’ll go see if someone at the church will talk to me. For that I’d charge one hundred dollars as a flat fee, but if I get information and we decide to work together, that would be a deposit. That work for you?”

“Oh yes, that would be fine.”

“How did you want to take care of that?”

“Oh, we only use cash,” she said, picking around in an inside vest pocket. She wasn’t carrying a purse. “We’re sure not rich,” she said more loudly than necessary. “Rich man’s got less chance of gettin’ into heaven than a camel through the eye of a needle.” She glared out the window as though hoping that there were rich men around to hear her. “We’re gettin’ our reward, though — we’re rich enough in faith to know we’re chosen.”

Well, didn’t that sound smug.

She pulled two fifties out of a vest pocket and put them on my desk.

I took them and said, “I’ll also need a number where I can reach you.”

“I’ll come back tomorrow or call you tonight,” she said, taking a business card.

“No, that won’t work. I’m not in the office and I’m in the process of changing my cellular service,” I lied. “Why don’t I leave a message on your home phone?”

“Don’t have no phone.” She sounded smug about that too.

“How about a motel number or something local, then? Where are you staying?”

“With an old friend in Anaheim,” she said reluctantly. “I’m sure she’ll be glad to take a message for me.” She got out and unfolded a piece of paper from some grinning realtor’s giveaway pad and pushed it across for me to copy the friend’s number penciled across it.

I gave back the original, noting that the phone number was in the 714 area code, which would be right for Anaheim. A little nugget of truth? Who knew? I stood up and told her I’d call her that evening or the next day. “You have transportation, Mrs. Holloway?”

She nodded and said, “You can call me Ruth. I left my girlfriend waiting in her car.” She pointed up the hill.

You don’t generally get all breathless walking downhill.

I gave her a good lead and put on my uncolorful jacket before I tailed her — downhill — to a public coin lot where she got into a mud-spattered old pickup with Texas plates. No girlfriend, either. A man was at the wheel, and I watched them stop at the bottom of the hill and turn left on Pacific Coast Highway. South, the direction opposite Anaheim.

I returned to my office, called in a chip to Ron Walker, a really nice but unfortunately married acquaintance in a slightly shady netherworld of employment, to see if he could find out who owned the truck. I put the hundred dollars into my floor safe to protect it from me. Maybe I’d give it to the kid if I found her. In the combination break/conference/quick-change dressing room, I put on a dress, sandals, hoop earrings, and a jacket, grabbed my leather tote, and hiked up to The Little Church on the Hill.

According to the glass-front announcement board in the foyer, there was a youth-group meeting in session, and I decided to wait until it let out. There was a pretty little meditation garden which had not been sacrificed for more parking area, which made me like the place even more. I tried to keep my imagination in check while I picked up messages. One from my mother inviting me to see Medea with her that weekend, assuring me, “It’s entirely modern. I understand the whole cast is only going to meet on the one night of the performance. No rehearsals. Thought you’d like it, baby. Let me know.”

They really shouldn’t let schoolteachers retire early. I decided to call her back later.

I’m not religious myself, but it was a meditation garden, so I meditated on how lucky I was to have great parents, even if my mother was a bit ethereal at times, my dad a bit too analytical all the time. This kid Megan had run away from her parents, and one of them had just been lying to me. I connected the dots to create dramatic links from Texas to a mousy housewife who talked in religious references to a family that hung out at gun shows. Then I reminded myself not to get ahead of the information I had.

I scanned the cloud-sponged sky to its shimmering horizon, then closed my eyes to smell the ocean, wet earth, sage, and eucalyptus. Maybe yesterday’s would be the last rain of the season.

A minute later, a group of teens came out of the church with a middle-aged woman. She wore her salt-and-pepper hair like a helmet, and her short, stocky build, made shorter and stockier by a thick brown sweater and wide tweed slacks, resembled a mother bear. When she caught sight of me, her expression turned wary. She finished her conversation with a couple of lingering boys with a gentle shoulder-punch for each, and they left looking happy, one with a book-bag slung carelessly over his shoulder, their running shoes scuffling along. I approached her with a business card held out, explaining that I was looking for a runaway named Megan Doyle. Could she help?

“I doubt it,” she said, the welcome dimming in her eyes as she read the card, adding, “You didn’t think she was in our little group here, did you? Because—”

“No, I was just waiting to talk to you. Nice little garden. Very Zen.”

“—because you’re no doubt aware the place to report missing persons is the police. Have you contacted them?”

“Not yet. I have a picture. Would you mind?” I dug for it in my leather tote.

“Don’t bother. I already saw it,” she said, shaking her head. “So you’re working for the mother. I already told her I don’t know the child. Even if I did...” She let her voice trail off, and the downward cast of her eyes told me worlds about why she wasn’t always eager to send runaways back home.

“Just so you know,” I said, “I met Megan on the street and sent her up here to you. And Ruth Holloway isn’t really a client. I only said I’d see if you’d talk to me. That’s the extent of the deal.”

She took another look at me, and waited, maybe for more information.

I said, “I took off myself once,” not entirely lying but stealing a glance upward for incoming bolts of lightning. “I know some kids have good reasons for leaving and don’t want to be found. But I understand that a friend heard from Megan and she said she was here, at least she was a few days ago—”

“The mother didn’t tell me that, not that it makes any difference, Miss—” She glanced down at the card — “Miss Terry.”

“Why don’t you call me Lane? That’s what my friends call me.”

“Then call me Marcella. I’m assistant pastor.” She smiled a little in spite of herself, maybe hoping I really wasn’t on the wrong side of things. But she didn’t offer to shake hands or invite me inside, either. We were still in the little garden, both of us standing, neither giving way.

Finally, I asked, “Sure there’s nothing you could do?”

“The answer’s still the same. Sorry, can’t help you.”

“Can’t, not won’t?” My words slipped out. She gave me another appraising look but said nothing, so I added, “I also want you to know that it’s my policy when I look for someone and find them, I don’t tell the client until after the person they’re looking for says they want to be found. Understand? I would never put someone in harm’s way. Anyway, you have my card. Nice meeting you.”

“Goodbye,” she said.

The next morning, I took a quick beach walk, showered off the sand, and put on my cat-burglar outfit, black wool slacks and black cashmere sweatshirt, because the day was overcast and almost chilly. Then I pulled on a matching pair of black Keds and walked to the farmer’s market for some produce. When I got back, I dialed the number Ruth Holloway had given me one more time — after about ten attempts the night before — and let it ring on my speaker phone as I filled my veggie crispers. If someone answered, I could report that the “lady preacher” had not been forthcoming and that I had thus discharged all professional services agreed to and good luck to her.

But there was no answer, no machine, and no particular surprise. As far as I was concerned, that closed the case that never was.

Five minutes later, my phone rang.

“Lane Terry? This is Marcella Perkins from The Little Church on the Hill.” Her voice sounded weak and a little slurred. “I need to see you right away.”

I checked my watch. “What’s it about? I’m at home, in South Laguna,” I said. “You want me to meet you at the church?”

“I’m not at the church. I’m at Hoag.”

As in Hoag Hospital. “Is everything okay?”

“I’ll be fine,” she said, grunting with probable discomfort. “I need to see you, but they’re keeping me here a couple of days for observation. I took a fall and hit my head.”

“Oh, no. Sorry to hear that.”

“Would it be convenient for you to come right away?”

It wasn’t, but she hadn’t impressed me as someone who played games. “Look, I’ll come as soon as I can. If traffic isn’t too bad I should make it in about forty-five minutes.”

She gave me a room number, and we hung up.

Though I was uneasy not knowing what she wanted, I assumed that something was wrong. Traffic was heavy but moving, and I motored up Pacific Coast Highway making good time, my Honda wheezing up the hill to the hospital with its admirable Japanese spirit of endurance. As I took the elevator up and saw my reflection, I realized I was dressed for a funeral.

Marcella Perkins was in a semiprivate room with someone who slept the whole time I was there. Marcella’s bed had a big flower arrangement next to it, on one of those wheelie tables where they put a plastic pitcher, a cup, and a little spittoon. When I walked in, she opened her eyes and smiled like a survivor. She had a black eye and a split lip. The bandages that wrapped around just above her ears left her gray hair sticking comically out the top, but it wasn’t funny at all. More bandages wound down her right forearm and hand. The index and middle fingers were splinted and wrapped together.

A fall down the stairs it wasn’t, but I played along politely.

“I’m so sorry about your accident,” I said. “What do the docs tell you?”

Her painful little smile widened. “Of course they don’t tell you a thing. ‘Wait and see,’ they say. Even though they claim I don’t have a concussion, they want me to stay so we can all wait and see together. It may be they think I’ll sue them, as if I would! In any case, I’m okay, and I’m not lonely. I called you for a reason.”

I let my face ask the question.

“I didn’t really fall,” she explained without the slightest air of drama. “A man came just after you left. He said he was Megan’s father. You can see what he did. When I wouldn’t tell him anything, he punched me a couple of times, hit me with a telephone, and took off with my purse. I found it just outside the door. All he took was some cash and my address book.”

“Well, you’re sure calm enough about it,” I said, trying not to imagine being beaten. “Marcella, he did that to you and you didn’t call nine-one-one?”

“I did. I knew I needed medical attention.”

“Yeah, but what about the cops?”

“I didn’t want to report it. Still don’t.” She had a finality about her statement that made it pointless to ask why. Maybe she thought he’d come back and finish the job if she did report it, given what she’d said about the address book.

I felt the pounding pulse of imagination in my ears when she said, “I want to hire you to take a message to someone for me.”

I headed out toward the desert in the persona of a crusty old prospector with a map to a hidden mine. Marcella couldn’t write, so she’d had to tell me how to draw the map, which was of the inland desert northeast of San Diego a few miles from Warner Springs, according to her estimation. She had been there only once, she said, “so some of the details might be off.” I wondered if that meant I’d just have to knock at derelict trailers until I found the one without a serial killer in it. Or if I took a wrong turn south, I might end up in Mexico, be taken for a drug mule or a journalist, and never be heard from again. Sometimes you just have to slap yourself for having thoughts like that.

It was getting dark, and it was my own fault that I’d gotten stuck in getaway traffic in Orange County. I went out of my way to save time, but instead the highway was choked with high-end cars, SUVs, and monster trucks with aggressive drivers heading home with very poor manners. I got off as soon as I could, but Marcella’s map didn’t direct me to do anything specific before I crossed into San Diego County. In fact, her map stank, but it wasn’t her fault that Holloway had stolen her address book. Her little map was all I had to go on, because my regular state map left out the really small roads, and since I had no route numbers and no address, even a GPS would have been useless. On the plus side, I had a certain blind confidence, and I wanted to help Marcella. As I was leaving, I’d tried to talk her into reporting the crime, but if she didn’t, I’d do it myself as soon as I got back. What kind of animal beats up a sweet little old bear-lady minister?

As I shot straight south on a middling desert highway with few cars swishing by, my cell phone played a few bars of the Brandenburg Concerto No. 3. It was Ron, his voice breaking up with a poor signal, telling me that the Texas car was registered to Naomi Conkling of Brownsville.

I asked, “Any relation to the Conklings?”

“Yes, ma’am. That would be the sister of Gary Conkling. He’s now a long-term guest at the Leavenworth Marriott.”

“Omigod,” I said. “Guess I owe you one—”

For a few seconds the speaker sent out crunchy noises. I waited, and Ron came back in at “—paid up. You ready to let me take you to dinner, though?”

“Sounds great,” I said slowly and clearly. “Why don’t you bring along Tiffany and the baby?”

“You go messing with Conkling’s friends and relations, you’re [crunch, crunch] need my help.”

“I’ll keep it in mind. Give my love to your family.”

He either hung up or the call got dropped.

Out here in the boonies, it was already quite dark, country dark. The road was right out of Atmosphere 101 in set design. It was increasingly foggy, like a translucent scrim, layered and billowing. The hill-and-dale two-lane road I’d turned onto at the end of the middling highway, as instructed, dated from before they leveled land to build roads, I guessed. It was like a little roller coaster with near-zero visibility. There were almost no cars out there, fortunately for me, because even the center line was hard to see and easy to cross, and the shoulder didn’t even amount to a place to pull over and cringe. I kept it in second gear and crept up and down, up and down, getting queasier by the minute. Marcella had said to watch for a certain small unpaved turnoff “just after the one Shell station out there,” and I had to thank the owner for having terrific lights on, because I never would have seen it otherwise. I felt so appreciative that I topped up my gas tank and asked the attendant in his little glass box if he knew where the geologists were.

“Geologists,” he said blankly. Not a good sign.

I tried a different tack. “There’s supposed to be a mobile home around here somewhere where some rock collectors or prospectors stay.”

“I don’t know. Trailer up the next road, though.”

I sighed. “Do you have a public phone?”

“Sure do. Clean bathrooms, too, especially the ladies’. Take care of it myself.”

I didn’t dignify that with comment, and phoned the hospital, where the call got routed to voicemail. Presumably Marcella was sleeping or something. I left a message telling her where I was, tucked away the gas credit-card receipt, and went looking for the turnoff.

Even though I didn’t have far to go, the fog made it seem like leagues. I could barely make out a small metal sign at the next turning, actually got out of the car and walked around and looked. It read “Western State University Geological Research Station,” with a stylized university seal superimposed over what looked like a pile of rocks or some mountains. An arrow pointed down the side road. I got back in the Honda and crept along a few hundred feet uphill in first gear until I saw a light up ahead. I turned in at a driveway with a surprisingly large parking area and could just make out a trailer like you see on construction sites, next to it a double-wide mobile home, and in front of that, a white Chevy pickup truck. I parked next to it, got out, and found out that it had license plates identifying it as the property of the State of California, and walked to the trailer, since it seemed to have a dim light inside. I couldn’t see in through the blinds but climbed up the wooden ramp to the door and knocked.

The door squeaked open and a fortyish guy with a beard, a receding hairline, and glasses he was sliding onto his nose came out onto the porch looking spooked. He wore a T-shirt and a pair of khaki shorts. I took it he didn’t get a lot of night visitors.

“Sorry to bother you,” I said and, taking a likely stab, went on, “Professor—”

“Weibold,” he finished.

“Sorry to disturb you, but I had to come in person. Your aunt Marcella sent me here to see Megan.”

He really looked uncomfortable. “I haven’t heard anything from her about this.”

I smiled sheer harmlessness and tucked a naive little lock of hair behind my ear, the one without the row of piercings, which remained covered. “I’m a licensed investigator,” I said, holding up my ID wallet, which he glanced at but didn’t take. “You can call Marcella at Hoag Hospital and ask her if you like.”

His distrustful expression leapt to fear. “What’s she doing there?”

“Why don’t I come in and tell you?”

He stood to one side and let me in.

I took a quick look around. The office was anonymous in furnishings of laminate tables, file cabinets, and Scotchgarded upholstered chairs and sofa. But on the shelves, books shared space with various rocks, arrowheads, and petrified bones. The weapons and animal skulls lent a certain creepiness to the otherwise unremarkable decor.

Dr. Weibold, obviously an introvert, avoided eye contact as he waved me to a chair and asked if I’d like some coffee. I said thanks, I would, and that I’d also like to make a phone call. He said, “Help yourself to the phone and then come on over to the residence and I’ll have your coffee ready. I’ll let Megan know you’re here.”

Either he didn’t get many visitors or he was a really nice man.

I checked Hoag. Still no Marcella. Thinking she might have left a message, I checked my voicemail — to find a message from Ron Walker.

“Lane, I’m hoping you check home because I couldn’t get you on the cell, and I really gotta warn ya about those assholes you’re dealing with. I checked with my sources, and it looks like they’re major leaguers, gun dealers, part of a militia of wack-jobs who like shooting at illegals coming over the border. I believe you may be dealing with Conkling’s other sister Ruth and his brother-in-law Levi. Their surname is Halliday, and you said they were going by Holloway. Sorry to tell you, sweetie, but there’s a fugitive warrant out on Levi. He bought a small arsenal from a gun dealer who happened to be working as a confidential informant for the ATF. The feds blew the bust and our boy got away, but not before he shot and wounded the dealer. The guy’s in protective custody until they can have him testify against Levi, but first they have to find Levi. Stay away from it, Lane, and call me the minute you get this. Where are you, anyway? Why haven’t you been answering your house or cell?”

My machine played another message, from Sean, wondering the same thing.

I stood there and stared at a petrified carnivore skull.

I’d have to call back later, because the danger made talking to Megan more urgent. I had to take care of that, and then head back through the desert fog with a vow to stay away for good.

I knocked lightly and let myself into the double-wide, hearing an intermittently noisy espresso machine. In a lull between the hissing and screeching, Professor Weibold puttered until the fragrant brew was in cups, then went down the hall and came out with Megan, looking much as I remembered except for the lack of makeup and some weight loss. She was barefoot, dressed in obviously borrowed men’s clothes, another pair of khaki shorts — how did these people keep from freezing out here? — and an oversized T-shirt commemorating a science leadership conference in 1998.

I stuck out my hand, which she regarded warily for a split second before grabbing it and shaking it hard.

Before either of us could say anything, the professor broke his silence. “This is the person Marcella sent.” Frothing milk now, he went back to topping the cups and putting them onto saucers with spoons in a practiced ritual.

I introduced myself and said, “Megan, I have some things to tell you. Is this a good time?” If it wasn’t, I couldn’t exactly come back later, but I was trying to give her a little chance at control.

“I don’t know. It depends on what you want. How come Marcella didn’t come with you?”

I softly told her that Marcella was in the hospital, and why. Her eyes filled with tears, and sounding like a little girl, she matched my soft voice and asked, “Is she going to be okay?”

I nodded.

She stifled a sob that was trying to break the surface and, almost to herself, said, “Oh, Jesus, he’s going to find me and then he’s going to kill me.”

I murmured, “Your father doesn’t know where you are. Can you sit down and we’ll try to work out a game plan?”

She nodded and turned to the reluctant keeper of her safe house. “Jerry, is it okay if we take our coffee over to the office so we don’t bother you?”

“That’s okay; I was just going myself. I have some data to work on for my Monday report.” At least the guy could take a hint. He served our coffee, taking his outside with him with an almost apologetic smile. Could be he didn’t want to know the details, even if he didn’t mind doing a favor for his aunt.

Megan went back quickly to put on some shoes and a windbreaker — did she think she was going somewhere? If I took her with me, it would be too risky, unless we went straight to the closest cops. I didn’t even know where that was. She might be better off staying here. Before I made any decisions, I needed to get her story.

We had a few sips of coffee before she took a deep breath and looked as though she was going to tell me something she was reluctant to tell, but when she spoke, her voice was calm. “I met you before, in Laguna. You gave me money.”

I smiled. “I didn’t think you’d remember me. I’m Lane Terry.”

“My real name’s Megan Halliday, but I want people to call me just Megan. I’m not proud of my father’s name.” I nodded in sympathy, and she asked, “Do you know anything about the Protectors of the Blood?”

“Not a whole lot.” I had heard that they were a racist armed group that splintered off from some religious survivalist cult, but I wanted to say as little as possible so she’d open up.

“My father’s been the leader ever since my uncle Gary went to prison. His name’s Levi Halliday. When I got away from home, I kind of had a chance to go sane. I never went to school. When I would try and ask questions, my father would beat on me until I stopped. But I couldn’t stop. I guess I’m stubborn. That’s what Marcella says.” She paused. “I’m confused and I’m stubborn.”

“Sometimes stubborn can be good,” I said. I could tell it wasn’t easy for her. I’m sure I didn’t have that much nerve when I was her age. Seventeen seemed like long ago.

“Marcella helped me a lot,” she went on, hugging her knees as she hunkered into a corner of the sofa. “When I first came to her I was traveling with a couple of other street kids, a boy and a girl, about a year ago. I ran away because my dad killed Jesse.”

“Was he your boyfriend?”

“Jesse’s my brother. Was. He got away with it because they were down by the border and our dad shot him and got rid of his body. Everyone in that little town is afraid of him, so he thinks he can do whatever he wants to women and kids.” She looked at me, then back down, and now I could really see the child there, rocking with her arms wrapped around her tight, like a closed bud, as though to keep herself from flying apart. I had a sense I needed to keep her talking.

“So he got away with it?”

“Yeah, that’s right. Nobody said anything. Jesse wasn’t strong enough to be a man, that’s what he thought. He didn’t like guns, and he didn’t learn what my father tried to teach him. My father really thought he was going to be leading an army of Protectors, and our big brother, when he gets out of the Marines, he’ll be next in line. But Jesse, when he got big enough, would have to be his backup lieutenant to take over the Protectors later on. He wanted both his sons to follow in his footsteps. He called Jesse a faggot and hit him a lot. He hit all of us.”

Then she suggested another cup of coffee. “I can do it now. That machine was so complicated to learn.”

“I wouldn’t even try,” I fibbed. I wondered if she needed a little break. When she’d delivered our refills, she stretched, walked over to the window, lifted a slat to look outside, murmuring, “Quiet as a tomb,” then came back to the sofa. She lifted her little cup, then set it down again.

“My dad wanted guns and money, so he decided the best way to get both was to kill this gun dealer that he knew. Him and his wife had lots of merchandise and lots of cash. Where I’m from, nobody’s got no credit or taxes or nothing if they can help it, and they don’t use their real names.

“So he took Jesse with him to help, and Jesse was only fifteen years old, and even if he seen a lot of animals dead, he never seen a dead man before, and when my father shot the gun man and told Jesse that it was his turn, that he had to shoot the wife, Jesse couldn’t, and my father had to and then kind of disowned him. They loaded up the guns and money, and my father knew how not to leave any traces, and how to put bodies where nobody would find them. The dealer people lived way up out in the desert, and nobody even missed either of them for weeks, since they was always away at gun shows.

“But when they did, in come the ATF and the FBI, and everybody’s twice as paranoid as before, and my father’s telling all his friends that the feds probably killed the gun dealers just so they’d have an excuse to clamp down on everyone who hates the government and the illegals. And they acted like they believed him, too.”

“When did he kill your brother?”

“Well, Jesse was his number-one problem, wasn’t he? With the government getting into it, he could tell them, and he would have been a great witness against him. He was there when he killed them people.” Her eyes were watery again, and she shook her head as though to clear it.

My mouth was dry, and I took a sip of coffee to avoid clearing my throat and said, “Tell me what happened after that.”

“Okay, he had to get rid of Jesse because he didn’t trust him, said he was born wrong, should have been a girl, like that was the worst curse you could put on a person.

“So the next time they went border hunting, he killed my brother. He thought nobody could touch him, but it must have been eating at him because he started asking me if Jesse ever told me anything about the trip they took the year before, and I told him I didn’t know a thing about it, that Jesse didn’t confide in me because I was only a girl. I think he believed me, but I knew it was only for a while because he’s crazy and he wouldn’t think twice about killing me if he knew that I knew all about it. Jesse told me every detail, and I wrote it all down since then and give it to Marcella in case he ever got to me, so they could finally get him for something. And then I went off paper and on the run.” She shrugged. “That’s it.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what ‘off paper’ means.”

“When you break off connections with the government and drop out of sight. You use a fake identity, move around, and pay cash for everything. Cover all the traces you were ever alive. That’s what I done. I found some new IDs my father forgot about because they were for women, and he was complaining that his supplier had screwed it up again, and how women only had a small part in it, and he needed men’s identities. But he didn’t give them back, and they sat in a drawer, three of them, and I took all three so if he remembered any of the names he wouldn’t know which one I took. And it turned out it wasn’t important anyway because I didn’t have to work or rent a place or even have a bank account.”

“How did you live?”

She told me she’d stolen some of her father’s cash and come to California, finding other runaways, traveling, finally running out of money in Laguna Beach. Then, she said, just like her guardian angel I gave her five dollars and sent her to Marcella.

I smiled. “Don’t think I’m qualified for that job, but thanks for the thought.”

“Welcome. When I got here, I heard that when they tried to take my father in for gun trafficking, he shot up a gun dealer who was helping the ATF, and then he escaped. That’s all I know.”

Attempted murder added to the list of things to keep him in jail, but a bonus would be to have him on ice while they got a search warrant for the stolen firearms that could tie him to the earlier double homicide. Unless they’d already made the connection to that crime themselves, I needed to get word to someone, and talk Megan into an interview.

I made an executive decision.

“Megan, you’ve been through a lot, and you’re safe, but this situation is too dangerous. I need you to come with me right now as soon as I—”

I was reaching for the phone when I heard a car coming. I looked at Megan, but she was already on her feet, saying, “We got a plan, so you just keep him distracted. I got a place I can hide. Go ahead. Let him search.”

And she headed toward the back of the mobile home.

I couldn’t hear her leaving, but I did hear a car door slam outside. I had to keep him away from the professor, no doubt the world’s worst liar, and I had just enough time to grab her coffee cup and shove it into the dishwasher. I raced to the door and opened it a crack to peek out, standing slightly to one side just in case.

A man was getting out of a black Tundra with heavily tinted windows and California plates. It sure didn’t look like a rental to me; it was probably stolen.

That bastard had either given Marcella a second helping in her hospital room, or found some note in her book next to Weibold’s address, or followed me in the fog and temporarily lost me.

Had he also come in on foot first to eavesdrop? No, I’d have heard his footsteps on the gravel. It was all around the place. Even so, I should have been more careful. I wondered if Megan had gotten to where she was going, and how come I hadn’t heard any gravel as she left.

I put on a neutral face, opened the door, and came out. I got a look at him as the porch light hit his face. He fairly exuded meanness and the need to dominate, and especially in light of Megan’s story, I was shaking scared. But we actors learn how to breathe, we practice, even the understudies, so we know how to look calm when our knees are ready to buckle. Standing on the wooden porch, I said, “Hi. If you’re here for the professor, he’s—”

“You know why I’m here,” he said with a sigh that might have been fatigue or a signal that he wasn’t going to suffer fools. “I heard my daughter’s here.”

His foot was on the bottom step. I stood my ground, stalling. “I’m Lane Terry, the investigator your wife hired.” He ignored my outstretched hand, so I let it drop back to my side. “I guess the minister got in touch with Ruth, huh?”

He said nothing, but started up the steps.

“Mr. Holloway, I’d have saved you all the trouble but I couldn’t get through to that number in Anaheim she left. Anyway, your daughter was here until yesterday, but she left.”

“Uh-huh,” he said, clearly not buying my story.

“Why don’t you come on in?” I turned to the door, avoiding eye contact and sort of ignoring him, the only form of self-defense that might work, like when you meet a really big dog.

Steps ahead of him, I could hear some scrabbling on the kitchen ceiling that I didn’t think was a nesting bird, so I went for the kitchen counter with more hope than expectation, hit the “brew” button on the espresso machine, and said, “I’ll bet you could use a cup of coffee, too.”

“All right.”

The machine gave off a loud hydraulic mutter, and I hoped I hadn’t destroyed it, but when it made a satisfyingly loud grinding sound, the wheeze of steam and smell of coffee immediately reassured me that it was acting on cue. I eyed the spigot in case it started to drip, and announced loudly, “The professor’s working, but he was nice enough to offer me some coffee before I headed back. See, Megan left yesterday with two other kids.” I rattled around looking for cups and heard a clunk directly over my head but slammed that cupboard door as though I couldn’t find them, and tried another. Adrenaline having come to my rescue like the cavalry, my hand was rock steady as I retrieved cups, stuck one under the dispenser, hit “serve,” and the brewing noise continued as the fragrant brew flowed. In a pause from the machine, all was quiet above.

“There a bathroom down that hall?”

“Sure is. Second door on the left. You go right ahead, and I’ll go get Dr. Weibold to talk to you.” I wanted to give him just enough time for a superficial search, and I hoped that Megan was well hidden and didn’t move. As I saw him head down the hall, I admit to wanting to make a mad grab for my car keys and take my chances with the fog at seventy miles per hour. Instead, I went lamblike to the trailer. The professor was at his computer, staring at a screenful of numbers and unfamiliar symbols.

“Her father’s here,” I said in a near whisper.

He nodded, his Adam’s apple jumping out of the way as he swallowed. “I heard the car door slam.”

“Professor, I think you should avoid seeing him. I’ll tell him you’re busy and see if he buys that. If he doesn’t, I’ll come get you and you take my lead, play along with absolutely anything I say. Understand?”

He nodded again.

I grabbed a paper and a pencil with “National Geographic Survey” written on the side, and made up an address in the last town I’d passed. I pointed at it, talking fast. “Now, this is where she went with her two friends, a boy and a girl, yesterday afternoon. The minute I’m out the door now, call nine-one-one.”

I heard crunching gravel outside, then boots on the steps. Weibold got up as though facing a firing squad and went to open the door. As the two men shook hands, I said, “Dr. Weibold, this is Mr. Holloway. He’s Megan’s dad.”

Weibold surprised me under pressure. Though avoiding eye contact, he sounded sincere enough when he said, “Sorry you missed her, sir. I imagine you came quite a substantial distance and that you’re understandably concerned about her welfare. She was fine when she left yesterday afternoon with some young people she met in town. This is the address they gave me.”

He held out the paper to Holloway. “I’m not sure if it’s a residence or some kind of shelter, actually. It’s outside Quarry. That’s a small town where you can find most things, not that far north of here, maybe ten or fifteen miles. Of course, in this fog and with these roads, one could reliably calculate that it would take you in the neighborhood of—”

“That’s all right,” said our visitor as he snatched the paper from Weibold’s hand. I was about to jump for joy as he read it and turned toward the door, but my impulse was premature. He turned back. “Tell you what,” he said to me. “You drive me over there so I won’t get lost by myself or following you.”

“You’re the boss,” I said in as cheerful a manner as I could manage.

Then he turned to the professor. “You come along, too.”

“Well, I do have an early meeting in the morning, and while I didn’t mind doing a favor—”

“You’re coming,” Holloway said in a tone firm enough to freeze anyone in mid-excuse.

He watched me as I retrieved my purse, and I knew there was no trying to get help. I had no idea whether he believed me or if he planned to take us out somewhere and dump our bodies. Maybe, as a fugitive, he just didn’t want to take the chance of using the car that he’d come in. Long, tall Weibold folded up like a pocket knife to get into the backseat of the Honda, and Holloway took the front passenger seat. He clearly intended for me to drive, probably so I couldn’t pull anything. Even if he didn’t suspect us, a person with his background would keep watch, even on someone I sincerely hoped he’d taken for some ditzy detective wannabe from a tourist town filled with “illegal alien” servants of the corrupt and godless town residents.

He’d be wrong about that last part. I was teaching myself how to pray.

Though the fog was cooperating well enough to keep my speed down, I drove like a real granny, checking each turn in the road with Weibold, who of course was in the backseat, couldn’t see jack, and by his own nature had to think every question over. What a team. I kept having to give the geek credit, and though neither of us had any idea of what to do, I was very grateful not to be alone with Halliday/Holloway. No, I had to keep thinking of him as Holloway or I’d make the one slip that would hand the whole script over to him.

We were coming into town, and a real live traffic signal loomed up vaguely in the gloom ahead. It was red in my direction, and a hulking SUV was entering the intersection cautiously from my right. I did what any sensible person would do in the circumstances. I hit the gas.

Just as Holloway said, “What are you—” the SUV hit my poor Honda on the right side just ahead of his door, unfortunately. I had been hoping for them to hit my passenger.

I wailed with real dismay, “Oh, shit, where did they come from?” I left the keys in the ignition, half hoping Holloway would steal my car. But that would be unfair to Weibold.

Both vehicles were still in the intersection, not that there was any traffic that would have to maneuver around them. A red-faced, overweight fellow was trundling over, and I grabbed my purse just like in the real world and walked over to talk to him.

He started out calm. “My direction was green,” he said, the upset making his voice quaver. “Are you stupid? I have the right of way.” Then, his voice rising to a roar, he asked, “Where in the hell did you think you were going, missy? I have my little boy in that car!” The kid inside, about two, looked just fine in his little kid seat, strapped in and whining to be set free to get a better view of the excitement.

“It’s this fog. I’m sorry,” I said, walking around my car to the far side of his, pretending to note the nonexistent damage to the behemoth as he continued to assert his rights. I fished my driver’s license and insurance card out along with my P.I. identification but let him run on, trying to sidle out of earshot around the front of the SUV. Damned Holloway was out of the car but standing next to it, not moving. Weibold was wisely doing nothing in the rear seat.

I couldn’t say anything in front of Holloway, but I got out a piece of paper and pretended to write my information for the SUV guy. Actually, what I wrote was, “Crash was on purpose! Hostages! Call police. Federal fugitive Levi Halliday.”

“Read the note,” I suggested.

But the guy stuffed it in his pocket and kept getting more belligerent. “I don’t care what your insurance company says to my insurance company,” he said with all his neck veins puffing out. “I live here in Quarry. You’re some idiot out-of-towner who doesn’t know how to drive. We’re going to see what my good friend Sheriff Yates has to say about this.” He produced a cell phone. “Don’t you dare leave the scene.”

My mind was speeding ahead, wondering if some trigger-happy Yates — or Holloway, more likely, since I had to assume he was armed — would start shooting and hit that kid, or one of us. I wanted to play along and hope for a turn of events, but Holloway must have seen what was happening. He leaned into the driver’s seat, slammed the seat back, and said something to the professor, who flipped the front passenger seatback forward and got out.

“Nobody’s hurt,” Holloway barked, startling everyone. He lifted his chin in the direction of the backseat and said to me, “Get in. We’re going.”

The SUV guy said, “Like hell you are! I told you, I’m—”

We got in, Holloway fired up the Honda, and off we sped, to the extent that my old car could speed. It’s not bad out of the hole, and we must have been most of the way through the little town by the time the guy could react. I hoped that a sedentary lifestyle hadn’t taken its toll and that he’d be faster on his feet than he looked.

Holloway was saying, “We’re going to that place that my daughter’s at. We ain’t got time for that back there. You,” he said to the professor. “Keep your hands where I can see them, and don’t move. You either. See this?” I took that as permission to peek around the headrest. He purposely pulled his jacket aside to show us a small revolver tucked into his belt. I knew we were deep in the deep and kept waiting to hear help coming behind us, but there was nothing. The fog had started to lift, giving maybe fifty yards’ visibility. Even if the other driver saw the note, who knew whether he’d call 911 or play the hero and follow? I hoped not, thinking of that little kid.

“Where’s the house at?”

Weibold said, “I’m not familiar, actually—”

“We’ll come back later,” Holloway said.

When I sneaked a look behind us, I saw only the thinning signs of civilization as we cleared the outskirts of town, where the yards got bigger and the houses farther apart. But as I turned back, I saw something Weibold must have left on the backseat. It was medium tan, the same color as my upholstery, or Holloway would have seen it too when the dome light came on for the seat-swap. About five inches in diameter, wedged partway between the seat and back, and hard as a rock. As a matter of fact, it was a rock, and it fit right into my hand. At that moment, I loved the professor for being a geologist with a pragmatic side.

As Holloway turned right onto a small dirt road, I slid my hand over unobtrusively at the exact time Weibold provided a distraction by learnedly and politely demanding to know where we were going.

“Shut up,” Holloway replied. He turned his head slightly to the right to say something to me, and I simultaneously said, “I’m not sure, but I think we passed the street back—” and slammed the rock into Holloway’s temple. It was a stupid thing to do, and it could have gotten us killed, but it might also have been crazy intuition in the presence of evil. He travels fastest who travels alone, right? Holloway had just taken a turn that in the lifting fog you could easily see led straight to open desert, and I somehow knew that before he went back to town, he was going to lighten his load as soon as he was in a place where nobody would hear shots.

As the primitive rock connected, Holloway let out an involuntary cry, and my little car bucked as the steering wheel went solo on the bumpy road. He let go of the wheel because Weibold was trying to get his gun out of his waistband. I tried to get my balance enough to hit Holloway again, and managed to glance one off the top of his head. There was a lot of blood that ran into his eyes — or so I later understood — and as his hands flew to his head, Weibold pulled the trigger while the pistol was still in Holloway’s belt. The sound was huge, like an added physical impact as the car jolted off the road and thudded to a stop in a ditch. The engine died. Holloway’s mouth moved, and I could see blood between his teeth, like something from a horror film, but there was no sound.

Weibold was also mouthing something, the gun now in both his hands, and even though Holloway was blinded by his own blood, he made a move to get it. Weibold fired again, and Holloway slowly slumped against the driver’s-side window. His chest was heaving, so he wasn’t dead. I watched a trickle of blood travel down the window and all of a sudden I had to get out.

I must have said something, because Weibold, his hands shaking, managed to slide out, still holding the gun, and open the door. I found the little flipper to let myself out of the backseat. It was slippery in my hand. I had blood on my hand.

Weibold kept the stubby barrel trained on Holloway, the dome light shining down on the gory tableau. The headlights were aimed into the desert night. I ran in the opposite direction, doubled over with my arms around my middle, making for the main road to get help.

It’s a terrible thing to wish for someone else’s death, but right then I hoped that Levi Holloway, who had killed at least two people besides his own son, not to mention his planning to kill three more, would die. If only the other driver hadn’t sensibly called the sheriff, who called the FBI. If only the fog hadn’t cleared and a Medivac helicopter been available.

And if a fine surgeon hadn’t been on call at the hospital in Hemet, he’d have drowned in his own blood.

I guess I inherited some of my mother’s moral outlook. Some things just aren’t supposed to happen. Good and evil aren’t abstractions to me anymore. They’re found in people and what they do or don’t do. It bothers me that reward and punishment don’t necessarily relate to justice. It took me an especially long time to get my head around the fact that Levi Halliday shot his own son in cold blood, felt righteous about it, and was probably going to get away with it. All that, and he hadn’t been struck dead.

The irony is that Levi may just get the death penalty for the gun-dealing couple’s murder once he’s well enough to stand trial. His wife, in protective custody, will make a good witness now she’s turned her nasty side on him. So will Megan, of course. The aftermath of a great crime is the ongoing involvement required of people who’ve already been traumatized. Especially Megan, but also Jerry Weibold, still waiting to retrieve his stone axe from the evidence lockup, Marcella Perkins, and even me. No choice but to revisit pain and horror in courtrooms, waiting for their sidetracked lives to resume, lives that will always be divided into before and after.

I don’t know if Megan will ever really heal. Nothing can erase those toxic doses of paranoia, superstition, abuse, and sheer malevolence administered by two disturbed parents. No number of new friends can outweigh that, though we’ll try.

Time will carry Megan farther and farther from this history. When enough years have passed, her memories may fade like the names once recorded in fresh ink, now only pale shadows on the yellowed page of an old family Bible.

©2009 by Patricia McFall

Wake Me Up for Meals

by Bev Vincent

Bev Vincent is a contributing editor at Cemetery Dance magazine and the author of over forty stories, including one contained in the Bram Stoker Award-winning anthology From the Borderlands: Stories of Terror and Madness. The Road to the Dark Tower, his first book, an analysis of Stephen King’s Dark Tower epic, was nominated for a 2004 Stoker Award. But the Texas author is also a mystery writer. One of his tales appears in the MWA anthology The Blue Religion; and the following story tails a crook who may be too full of his own cleverness.

* * * *

I used a stolen passport as a down payment on new identity papers. El Gordo knew I was good for the rest. No one in his right mind stiffs him. After buying a one-way plane ticket, I had just enough money left over for a few in-flight drinks and the bus into town from the airport.

Eight hours later, Milan was little more than a bad memory. Battling jet lag on the sidewalk terrace of an Irish pub called Cuffs, I perused an abandoned copy of the Boston Globe. It was probably the appropriate time for a couple of draft Guinnesses somewhere on the planet, though Cuffs was currently as empty as my wallet — which was why I was sitting on the sidewalk.

The Franklin Park Zoo sounded like a good place to blend in with tourists, and the four-mile walk — after a short sprint — helped clear my head. Motor coaches lined the street outside the main entrance. I loitered under a tree until another bus arrived and spewed out a gaggle of gaudily dressed adults who looked like they got lost on the way to Disney World.

The tour guide was about thirty. She had shoulder-length black hair. Her short skirt revealed long, lean legs and her white blouse was open at the neck. Mother Nature had been generous to her both above and below the waist.

She carried a striped umbrella that she waved to command her group’s attention. The men’s eyes, I noticed, never got as high as the umbrella. When the group passed me, I dusted my clothes off and followed them through the turnstile reserved for tours. The purple happy face affixed to my shirt came from one of the older travelers, who might eventually wonder where he lost it.

By the time everyone assembled at the meeting point three hours later to board the bus, I knew the names of half the people and got nods or smiles of recognition from the rest. I have the sort of face that seems familiar, they tell me. Philip Uxley from Baltimore had even sprung for an overpriced soda for me at the concession stand.

I found an empty seat and relaxed in air-conditioned comfort while the guide explained in an Australian accent that we would be traveling out of the city to explore the New England wine district. Yes, there would be free samples, she assured a couple near the front. Then we’d have a picnic at Revere Beach, the oldest public beach in America, before returning to the hotel for the night.

Sounded fine to me. The bus pulled out of the parking lot and wended its way through the streets of Boston. I adjusted the angle of my window seat and was about to take a stab at resetting my internal chronometer when someone dropped into the seat beside me. A woman, I decided, based on the luxurious waft of perfume that accompanied her.

“You know,” she said, “sometimes I come up a person or two short after I do my head count, but it’s a rare day when I end up with one more warm body than I started with.” Her voice was nasal, her vowels flattened, but the net result was sexy and sultry.

My senses went on full alert. I opened one eye in cool consideration. The other one popped open on its own. She looked even better up close than she had from the careful distance I’d maintained at the zoo.

“What was your name again?” she asked. “I don’t believe we’ve been formally introduced.”

I’d used Gerald — “Gerry to my friends“ — with the others, so I extended my hand and repeated that name, which sounded as real to me as any of the others I’d adopted in recent years.

The corporate nametag nestled precariously above a bounteous curve identified her as Jane. “And where did you come from?”

“Milwaukee,” I said, which was the truth. I try to keep the number of lies associated with any given alias to a minimum.

“I saw you join us at the zoo.” Her pale green eyes grew hard, like a lawyer dropping a bombshell during cross-examination. A look with which I had more than passing familiarity.

“What do you mean?” Might as well play my hand until I ran out of cards.

She smirked. On any other face it would have been irritating, but it worked for her. She reached out a well-toned arm and fingered the purple happy-face sticker an inch north of my left nipple. “Mr. Reeves.”

I said nothing, trying not to be distracted by the manicured fingernail resting on my chest.

“That’s who you stole this from. Very slick.”

I shrugged and offered my most disarming grin. If I’d been burdened with guilt or plagued by a conscience, I might have blushed. I waited for her to deliver the punch line. Why hadn’t she blown the whistle on me back at the zoo? Did she intend to dump me among the road kill in remote northeastern Connecticut to teach me a lesson? I’ve been taught worse.

She leaned in to make sure she wasn’t overheard. When she did, two things happened to make it difficult to concentrate: Her blouse fell open at the neck and another cloud of intoxicating oriental woody fragrance enveloped me.

Women have always been my downfall. That’s not to say I haven’t scammed a lady or two in my time. As a teenager, when I worked at my father’s store, I identified his most vulnerable clients — wives whose husbands paid them too little attention. After I delivered their new mattresses, I helped the lonely ladies break them in. Then, while they lolled in post-coital bliss, I relieved their homes of one or two valuable trinkets. They never called my father or the cops. I like to think they were so appreciative of my services that they considered it a worthy payment, but in reality they were probably embarrassed at being taken in so easily and didn’t want to admit their weakness.

What little money I’ve amassed during my unremarkable life I’ve spent on women. Or lost at cards, but even that was usually done to impress women. So my radar dish went into full rotation when Jane’s blouse parted to expose more of her sumptuous bounty.

“You’re after the Reeveses, right?” she asked. “All that cash he’s been flashing around. He must have a couple of grand in his wallet alone and I’ll bet there’s more in his suitcase or a money belt.”

The sphinx’s face revealed more than mine did, or so I’d like to think.

“Mrs. Carmody’s diamonds? Don’t bother — they’re fakes. But her emeralds look like the real thing.” She arched her eyebrows awaiting my response.

I let her wait. I was finding it difficult to breathe. I shifted my weight and reached up to the overhead console to increase the airflow.

“I want half of whatever you get,” she said.

An ambitious, beautiful woman with confidence, an eye for gems, and filled with larcenous intent. I was in love.

“What makes you think I’m a thief? I was just looking for a comfortable place to get out of the sun for a while.” I lowered my eyes. “See the sights.”

“Right,” she said, resting her hand on my thigh. “Look, mate, I’ve been schlepping these loudmouthed Yanks — no offense — up and down the East Coast for six days. I deserve a finder’s fee at least.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

She nodded, then glanced out the window. “Hold that thought,” she said and returned to her station at the front of the bus.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we’re coming up on the Sharpe Hill Vineyard, where we’ll stop for a tour followed by lunch. Charles Flynn will guide you through the grounds and show you the entire process from grape to glass.” A man of about fifty stepped onto the bus when we came to a stop, presumably the erudite Mr. Flynn. “I’ll meet up with you in the tasting room.”

I disembarked with the other tourists — Mrs. Carmody’s diamonds did indeed look like paste — but Jane grabbed me by the arm and pulled me aside.

“You and I can go straight inside. We have things to discuss. Gerry.”

“And I was so looking forward to Mr. Flynn’s tour.”

She gave me a withering look, looped her arm around mine, and led me down the garden path — so to speak — to a side door that opened into a bright meeting hall furnished with rows of tables. Another tour group was just leaving. I held the door until the last of them — Germans, by the Sturm und Drang of their conversation — staggered toward their bus. Jane didn’t relinquish her grip on me for a moment and I didn’t mind much, since my arm was in the enviable position of being clutched against her pliant bosom.

The tables were strewn with tiny plastic tasting glasses left behind by the German tourists. Jane was on a first-name basis with the wine steward, who delivered a bottle of chilled Chardonnay to our table along with a pair of goblets. She relieved him of the bottle and poured us each a full glass. He left, casting dark glances back over his shoulder. For a moment I thought he was going to challenge me to a duel.

“Partners?” She raised her glass.

I left her hanging and downed half my wine in three swallows. I prefer beer, but free wine’s okay, too.

She leaned across the table. “C’mon, Gerry.” She said my name as if she didn’t believe it. “Fifty percent of what you get from my sheep is better than nothing, right? Better than a ride to jail in the back of a police car, right?”

“I got on the wrong bus, that’s all. An easy mistake. Happens all the time, I bet.” I stripped the purple smiley face from my shirt and applied it to her blouse at the exact point where it began its outward curve. “Have a nice day,” I said, and stood up.

She muttered something I didn’t hear and peeled the sticker off, sticking it to the table with a pout. I regarded her with the same arched-eyebrows look she’d used on me earlier.

Her shoulders slumped. “Twenty-five percent?”

I felt a little sorry for her — she caved so easily. I sat down again, refilled our wineglasses, and raised mine. She hesitated long enough to make me wonder, and then clinked her glass against mine.

“So, do you always rip off your... what’d you call them... sheep?” I asked.

It was her turn to play the sphinx.

“Probably not. The owners would catch on before long. But you’ve been thinking about it. Dreaming that someday you’ll hit the jackpot and retire to Fiji. Until the money runs out. It always does, you know?”

She furrowed her brow. She could have entire conversations with those eyebrows of hers.

“Money always runs out. There’s never enough.”

“So what do you do?”

“Take my retirement on the installment plan. Learned that from a character in a book. When I run low, I go back to work.”

Maybe it was the wine. More likely it was the way her leg brushed against mine now and then. I regaled her with tales of my funnier capers, the made-to-order party stories I never got to tell because no one throws that kind of party. A hair-replacement scheme that plucked thousands of dollars from vain, desperate men. My stint as a personal-injury lawyer courtesy of a diploma granted by the University of Some Caribbean Nation. A brief but lucrative job appraising household belongings that went south when the settings on some rather valuable pieces of jewelry started leaving mysterious green stains on the necks and fingers of their owners.

“You never get caught?” She was on her third glass of wine by then. I wondered how she was going to talk to her charges later without slurring into the microphone.

I shrugged and pressed my leg back against hers when she brushed me for the sixth or seventh time. “A few times.”

“Go to jail?” Her leg didn’t move. She toyed with a strand of black hair that curled around to touch her cheek.

“A little.”

“How did you stand it, cooped up in a cell for months? Years?”

“It’s free room and board. I can read a little, catch up on a month or two of missed sleep. You know what I always tell my cellmates?”

Her eyes were unfocused but they still seemed to penetrate my soul. She shook her head and sucked on the tip of the strand of hair.

” ‘Wake me up for meals.’ They get a kick out of that one. It’s from a Warren Zevon song. I tell them that’s what I’m going to say when I get to heaven.”

She raised one eyebrow.

“Okay, wherever I end up.”

I was about to ask her how a beautiful sheila like her ended up so far from the Antipodes when a set of doors opened at the far end of the room. Jane’s tour group filtered in, presumably vastly wiser about the process of winemaking. Jane slipped our dead soldiers under the table and sprang to her feet to greet them with nary a stagger or a slur. I was impressed.

The room filled with loud conversation as jugs of wine were distributed along with more of those tiny plastic glasses that reminded me of the ones I prepared for communion during my brief stint as an altar boy back in Milwaukee. Lunch consisted of ham sandwiches wrapped in cellophane. I smiled at the waitress and took two, against orders.

Jane put on her game face and wandered among her flock. She looked genuinely interested in whatever anyone said to her and smiled easily as she meandered, spending a few moments at each table. Her tips at the end of a tour were probably quite generous. The cleavage helped, no doubt; I noticed the men gaping into her blouse. I didn’t blame them — I did the same thing every chance I got.

The noise level in the room grew to a crescendo as the jugs emptied. At two o’clock, Jane herded the group onto the bus for the drive back to Boston. After a few announcements about what we’d be seeing along the way, she strapped herself into her jump seat and left me alone for the return trip.

I did the math. Forty-four people not counting Jane, the driver, and me. Suppose the average tourist had five hundred dollars in cash or traveler’s checks. That meant over twenty grand, not counting watches, credit cards, cell phones, iPods, rings, and jewels. I didn’t have any connections in Boston to fence stuff, but I knew people who could point me in the right direction.

I invited Jane to walk down the beach with me while a catering crew set up a picnic buffet at a shorefront pavilion at Revere Beach. I tied my laces together, slung my shoes over my shoulder, and rolled up my pants so I didn’t have to worry about getting my feet wet. Jane looped her arm in mine again as we strolled. Wet sand seeped between my toes. A guy could get used to this, I thought, banishing the warning bells clanging in the back of my mind.

“So, what’s your plan?” she asked when we reached a huge stone on the shoreline. I clambered onto it and pulled her up after me. She snuggled between my legs facing away from me and wrapped my arm around her. In the distance we could just make out her sheep, who were, ironically, dining on roast lamb. My stomach rumbled, but I didn’t let one human need get in the way of another. I hugged her close and nuzzled her hair. She melted into me. Her breasts weighed heavily on my arm. Her breathing seemed faster and deeper than before, but it was hard to separate hers from mine.

“How does five hundred a person sound, from each of your... baaaaa?”

She giggled. “At least. We still have five days left to go. They usually save money for big purchases at the end so they don’t have to drag things around for the whole trip.”

I nodded against her and upgraded my estimate to a thousand per person in cash. My stint as an insurance adjuster had sharpened my forgery skills, so I didn’t mind traveler’s checks, either. Along with the jewelry and other valuables, even at ten cents on the dollar I was looking at maybe fifty grand.

“I’ll need a gun.”

She nodded and hugged my right arm tightly, raising it up over her breasts. The thought of a nice chunk of change in her future seemed to turn her on.

“And a place to stay. I don’t have much money with me.” None, actually, but I saw no reason to let her know that.

“You can stay in my room if you don’t let anyone see you,” she said, which was exactly what I’d hoped. She caressed my arm in long, slow strokes and I wondered if she could feel me pressing into her lower back. I cupped her breast gently and did a little stroking of my own as the sun met the horizon and sent a river of gold streaming across the water’s surface toward us. A few nuzzling kisses on her neck just below her right ear and she turned into putty.

“Can you spot me some cash for the gun?” I whispered into her ear.

She moaned a response that I interpreted as assent. My left hand slipped under her short skirt. Her breathing accelerated quickly and her entire body trembled against mine a few minutes later, sealing the deal. I could have asked for a Learjet.

The next morning I awoke an hour before dawn. Jet lag still had me messed up and I hadn’t managed much sleep, what with tracking down a gun and keeping up with Jane and all. When I stirred, she rolled against me and tried to get something going again but I pushed her gently back onto the sheets and rewarded her with a long kiss before sliding out of bed and into the shower. Always leave them wanting more. I learned that long ago. Later, when she woke up fully, her body would be alive with energy, nerves tingling, lust lighting a furnace in her belly. My every wish would be her command.

During a quiet interlude at about three in the morning, Jane had outlined the day ahead. After breakfast, the bus would depart for a scenic drive on the Kancamagus Highway through White Mountain National Forest. Before lunch, we’d pull off onto a scenic overlook — the perfect spot for a hijacking.

The shower’s warm pulse reenergized me. When I emerged from the bathroom in a cloud of steam, Jane was awake, leaning on one arm, a thin sheet draped enticingly across her naked torso. I sat on the bed beside her for a moment but when she got that dewy look in her eyes I waggled my thumb at the clock and told her I had to go. “You don’t want the sheep seeing me sneaking out of here.” She stuck out her lower lip, but nodded.

I stole her pillowcases for loot, tucked the pistol in my waistband, gave her a smoldering kiss full of promise, and crept out of the room like a thief in the night. Not far from the truth, I guess.

I made a phone call, then had breakfast, a hearty buffet with lots of meat and grease to keep a body going, charging it to Jane’s room. She sauntered in after everyone else was seated and adorned her plate with fruit and a croissant — enough food to last me about ten minutes. We exchanged one lingering glance before I returned my attention to the Milton Dreyfuses of Wichita, Kansas. He was a retired investment counselor. The gaudy gems his wife wore made me upgrade my estimate of the potential windfall by another ten grand.

My heart took on a familiar rhythm, beating rapidly but solidly in anticipation of the day ahead. Adrenaline was my friend. I never felt quite as alive as I did when the job was about to go down.

Jane kept her distance once everyone was on board the bus. We’d agreed it was best if people didn’t see us together too much from that point on. She struck up conversations with several passengers and laughed easily at whatever they said. She was glowing, and I knew it wasn’t just from the sex. It was the thrill of the hunt. Once the gun came out, she’d pretend to be as alarmed as everyone else, but hot blood would course through her veins. She’d be thinking about our rendezvous later that night, where she’d count the money several times and try on some of the jewelry. High on adrenaline, her heart beating twice as fast as normal, she would momentarily cast thoughts of the booty aside and reward me until the sun came up.

Of course, by the time she got to the motel where we’d agreed to meet, I’d be back in Boston, swapping gems and electronics for cash with the guy who’d sold me the gun the night before. Her confusion would turn to panic — and then to fury when she realized that not only did she not have ten or twenty grand coming her way, she was out a few hundred for the gun.

And then she would start answering the police’s questions.

The East Coast wouldn’t be big enough for the two of us after that, so I had a reservation on Lufthansa. Ten hours after the heist I’d be in Munich, where I knew a guy who knew a guy who’d set me up for a while. I’d settle with El Gordo and use whatever I had left — fifty or sixty grand if all went according to plan — to enjoy the mountain air and Bavarian beer for a few months.

I tried to sleep, but people kept stopping by to chat. Everyone acted as if I’d been with the group all along instead of just since the day before. Jane kept a respectful distance, though she batted her eyes at me on the way to the back of the bus to get brochures for one of her sheep.

At the two-hour mark I started getting antsy, ready for the whole thing to be over. Before boarding, I’d transferred the gun to one of the pillowcases, which would soon be filled with cash and other valuables. I thrummed my fingers against the armrest and chewed on the inside of my mouth, habits I used to sucker people at the poker table but which were difficult to control at times like these.

Twenty minutes later, Jane made another trip to the rear of the bus for brochures. She dropped one in the aisle next to my seat and knelt to pick it up without looking my way. My five-minute warning. I looked out the window at the scenery and realized we were reaching the top of Kancamagus Pass. The view of the White Mountains was impressive, I suppose, but I had no time for that now. I grabbed the pillowcases and made my way to the front of the bus.

The driver looked at me like I was crazy when I showed him the gun and told him to pull over at the scenic overlook. “I was planning to,” he said.

I waved the gun at Jane too, for show. She flashed her eyes in mock panic, but I could tell she was working to suppress a grin. I would have bet good money that her nipples were as hard as the bullets in my Glock.

When the bus stopped, I told the driver to hand over the keys. I pointed the gun at Jane again and told her to pass me the microphone. “Ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to try something a little different today.” A murmur of curiosity ran the length of the bus. Jane shielded her mouth with her hand.

“There’s some lovely scenery off to the east, but what I’m more interested in seeing is everything green and shiny you own.” That brought confused silence.

“You see, this is what’s known as a stickup. Lovely Miss Jane is going to make a couple of trips down the aisle with these pillowcases. I want each and every one of you to hand over your wallets, purses, credit cards, traveler’s checks, watches, rings, necklaces, cell phones, money belts, earrings, BlackBerries, MP3 players, anything of value. I’ll be watching in this big mirror here.” I indicated the parabolic reflector above the driver’s head. “Please don’t make me go back there. Cooperate and this will all be over before you know it.”

I kept an eye on the driver in case he wanted to be a hero while Jane filled first one pillowcase and then the other. During her second pass down the aisle, I winnowed out the junk that wasn’t worth carrying. I emptied the wallets and purses and tossed them into a pile. Some of the jewelry was crap but several pieces were worth serious coin. The growing stack of cash astonished me. I couldn’t believe people carried that much money.

Bless them, every one.

I called a couple of passengers by name and reminded them of specific items. Mrs. Carmody’s emeralds and Mrs. Dreyfus’s jewels had to be worth forty grand alone.

The bus got so quiet you’d think everyone was watching a movie. Shocked by the unexpected turn of events, I suppose. Trying to figure out how they could have been taken in by such a nice young man.

Jane uttered calming words as she moved among them, playing her part to the end, but no one else said a thing. In ten minutes I was ready to go. I glanced at my watch — my ride would be along shortly.

That’s when the New Hampshire State Police showed up. I never found out whether they’d been following us all along or had responded to a signal from Jane. One car pulled in front of the bus, lights flashing, and another boxed us in from behind. Standing in those big plate windows at the front, I was the perfect target.

I briefly considered taking a hostage, but I’m not a violent man and I didn’t want to end up on the business end of some sniper’s rifle. The jig was up. I raised my hands so the gun-wielding cops could see them. I still had the Glock in my right hand, dangling loosely from my index finger.

El Gordo would have to wait for the rest of his money.

The bus driver popped the door open and cops swarmed up the stairwell. They relieved me of the gun and forced me onto my stomach while they cuffed and searched me. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Jane tucking a thick wad of cash under her jump seat. Good for her. The rest would end up in evidence, so it would be a while before anyone noticed the shortfall.

While the cops were dragging me off, I heard her call my name. The name I was using, anyway. I dug my feet into the loose gravel to slow us down and turned as far as I could to see Jane standing beside the bus.

“Make sure they wake you up for meals,” she called. Her eyes shone more brightly than any gem I’d ever held in my hands. I chuckled and would have flashed a finger pistol at her if my hands hadn’t been cuffed behind my back. I had to settle for a knowing wink.

“Enjoy your retirement,” I called to her before the cops wrestled me into the back of their car and slammed the door.

©2009 by Bev Vincent

Dummy

by Brian Muir

Brian Muir may have been in L.A. for two decades, working in movies (as production assistant to Roger Corman and as a writer of screenplays), but he has not forgotten his home state of Oregon. In fact, he began a series in EQMM in 2004 about a Portland private eye whose sex is never explicitly mentioned and he’s now completed a novel-length case for her.

* * * *

The idiot. I told him to stay away from her. I said, ‘You’re an idiot if you keep seeing this girl. A Grade-A dummy.’ But did he listen? That was a rhetorical question, by the way.”

“Thanks,” came the sarcastic reply from Detective Stockel. He’d seen the blood spatters on the wall.

Stockel and his superior, Detective Perrone, questioned their witness, seated before them as they stood.

“He was infatuated with her,” she continued.

Stockel shot a weary look to Perrone, “Come on, man. The paperwork on this case is going to bury me. How long do we got to stand here and listen to this?”

“Just let her talk,” said Perrone, and that was that.

The woman nodded to Perrone. “Thank you, Detective,” making a “hmph” sound in her throat, muffled as if by too much phlegm.

“I’d like to talk,” she said, pointy chin chittering away. “I want to talk. I’ve kept this bottled up way too long. I realize perhaps I should have come to someone sooner, and I’ll never forgive myself for that. I should have told someone about my son. He’s had ugly thoughts for some time now.”

She blinked large eyes, blue as bird eggs behind round glasses.

“Forgive me for being indelicate,” said Perrone, “but would you say your son has been... unbalanced for some time now?”

She stared up at him without saying anything.

Stockel, impatient: “He means did you always know your boy was a nutjob.”

“You’re a rude man, Detective.”

“Maybe. But I never killed anybody with a screwdriver.”

“Perhaps your mother should have taught you proper manners.”

“Like you did with your boy, you mean?”

“That’s enough, Ray,” chastised Perrone.

Stockel took a breath through his nose.

“Jimmy was a good boy, when he was young,” she continued, hands folded in her lap. “But he was never the sharpest knife in the drawer. His father and I had an act long ago: Mr. & Mrs. Santoni; a little comedy routine, witty banter and such. We played Caesars, did USO tours in the Seventies. We were even on The Mike Douglas Show. See those photographs on the wall over there? See us, posing with Mike and Dinah Shore?” Her head rose on her thin neck, proud.

“Yes, ma’am,” said Perrone. “I think I saw you and Mr. Santoni on Douglas when I was a kid.”

“You should understand that Jimmy’s father and I weren’t married. That was merely our act. He was married to a woman named Margaret, a lovely woman, Jimmy’s mother. I’m not proud of it, Detectives, but Jimmy’s father and I, working together as often as we did, spending so much time alone... we grew quite close, if you catch my meaning.”

Stockel gave another sidelong glance at Perrone, but the older detective didn’t acknowledge it. “We hear this type of thing often, ma’am.”

“Well, that doesn’t make it right, of course. But he and I were in love and he eventually left Margaret for me. I don’t think Jimmy ever forgave him for that. It took the boy and me a long time to reach an understanding, but that’s the way these things go.”

“And Mr. Santoni?” asked Perrone.

“Oh, he died five or six years ago. Unpleasantly.”

“I’m sorry for your loss,” interjected Stockel, but his tone was anything but commiserate.

“Thank you,” came the old woman’s flat response.

Perrone surveyed the one-bedroom apartment. The sparse furnishings appeared well-dusted. A painted sign, about 4x4, leaned against one wall. It read: Santoni & Mom.

“I take it that after his father died, Jimmy took over the act and the two of you came up with a new routine,” surmised Perrone.

The old lady slowly turned her head to view the sign. “That’s right, Detective. But truth be told, we’ve never really been able to make a go of it. I’m the first to admit that our comedy is rather antiquated. Perhaps too much so for today’s audiences.”

Her big eyes swept the room as if scanning for eavesdroppers. She lowered her voice to a raspy whisper. “And unfortunately, Jimmy never had the talent of his father.”

“I understand,” said the detective.

The lady raised her voice again, anger creeping into it. “That needn’t be the case, if he’d listen to me when I try to teach him something. I know best. He’s never realized that. The dummy.”

“We got that, ma’am,” said Perrone. “You don’t think your son is very bright.”

“I don’t mean to sound harsh, Detectives. I’m trying to look out for the boy but he’s somewhat... impressionable. Easy to fall in with the wrong types. Take this woman, for instance.”

“You mean the decedent?”

“Mm-hmm. It may be improper to speak ill of the dead, but she was nothing but a hussy, if you ask me. And I told Jimmy so, straight out. Not that he’d listen, of course.”

“Why don’t you tell us how they met.”

“It was perhaps a month ago. We’d been out trying to pick up new bookings. I realize we don’t have the clout to fill a showroom — like his father and I used to — but we’re very comfortable in the smaller venues. At any rate, we were interviewing at hotel casinos and lounges. We traveled to Henderson and went up to Reno. That’s where Jimmy met her.”

Perrone consulted his notes. “Serena Mayes. Cocktail waitress at the Mule Kick Saloon.”

The old woman pshawed. “Cocktail waitress. By day perhaps, but at night she drove down here to Vegas to work in one of those ‘gentlemen’s clubs.’ ” She made finger quotes, not so much with her fingers but her whole hands, flopping in the air like limp, tired birds.

“She was a stripper,” finished Stockel.

“Slut,” she said. “Pardon my language, but I could tell she wasn’t right from the start. After we’d auditioned for the manager, Jimmy and I were having lunch in the saloon — a very nice establishment, by the way — when the two of them locked eyes, Jimmy and the girl. I could see the sparks immediately, and admittedly she’s got the most vibrant green eyes...” She stopped, reconsidered. “Well, she had the most vibrant eyes, before...”

“Before the screwdriver, you mean.” Crow’s-feet tickled the corners of Stockel’s eyes as he held back a smile. “I understand it was a Phillips head.”

“You seem to be taking perverse delight in this, Detective.”

“Don’t mind him, ma’am,” said Perrone. “Please, continue.”

The old woman kept staring up at Stockel, unblinking.

Perrone said, “Say you’re sorry, Ray.”

“I’m sorry, Ray,” replied Stockel.

“HA!” burst out the old woman, her thin lips not even cracking a grin. “The dust on that one’s a foot thick, Detective. That wouldn’t even make it into the act I did with Jimmy’s father.”

“That’s why I went into police work. I got no sense of humor,” said Stockel.

Perrone interjected, “If you could, ma’am, tell us what happened with Jimmy and Serena.”

She cleared her throat. “Of course. Shortly after they met, he began making trips to Reno to see her at the saloon. And when she drove down here to dance at the club on weekends, he’d go in to see her, spending all of his hard-earned money on her. Spending all of OUR hard-earned money.”

“So he was a customer,” said Perrone.

“I suppose that’s what you would call it. But he and the girl got along outside her work as well. They often saw each other during the day, went to UNLV ball-games, that sort of thing. But I’ve no doubt her intentions were improper.”

“She was just after money, is that what you mean?”

The old woman nodded, her head bobbing pistonlike on her brittle neck. “It may not look like it, but we do have a little bit socked away for emergency. I didn’t want her getting her hands on it. I voiced my opinion, but Jimmy wouldn’t listen. Honestly, Detective, though I didn’t care for her, it was the girl I was trying to help.”

“How’s that?”

“As I said, my son has issues. With women, I mean. There have been incidents of violence in the past. I’m not proud to admit it, but there it is. He’s got a police record for domestic violence and stalking.”

Perrone made a note. “Thank you for your candor, Mrs. Santoni. I’ll look into that.”

Stockel stared down at the woman, her white hair like soft yarn. “Just curious. If you knew he might hurt her, why didn’t you try to stop him?”

“Detective, look at me. I’m obviously in no physical condition to prevent my son from...”

“What I meant was, why didn’t you try to talk him out of it at least?”

“Oh, but I did. He and I argued about it on more than one occasion. He said nasty things to me, vile things. That’s not the way I raised him.”

” ’Course not.”

“At any rate, things came to a head yesterday. He informed me that she was coming over to spend the night. I forbade it. After all, I live here, too. He may be a grown man, but I have a right to say who can or cannot sleep under this roof. And I’ll be darned if I’m going to have them doing their dirty business on the other side of the wall while I’m trying to sleep.”

She looked up, blinking once, deliberately. Stockel swore he could actually hear her eyelids punctuate her statement. He lifted his hands, palms open in surrender.

Perrone said, “So when you laid down the law, what did your son do?”

“He locked me up. Can you believe it? He intended to have her over and rub my nose in it. I’ll be darned if that little dummy was going to disrespect ME like that. Let’s be clear that this was not about my distaste for the girl. This was about a boy respecting his mother.”

Stockel couldn’t resist a dig. “Yeah, but his real mom divorced his dad. You’re more like a... stepmom. Not his REAL mom.”

“Let her finish the story, Ray.”

“She’s the one that brought it up. The thing about respect, I mean. I thought she was all about making sure the girl didn’t get hurt.”

Mrs. Santoni barked, “I DIDn’t want her to get hurt! That’s why I confronted him. Confronted them. It was an embarrassing situation, to be sure...”

She raised a hand to her face, the wisp of a handkerchief looped around a finger.

Perrone calmed her. “Just take us through it step-by-step, ma’am.”

“Well... when the lights went down and the two of them started... to do their... I heard what they were saying, what they were doing...” She described it to them, as delicately as she could, sniffling. “I realize I’m old-fashioned, but back in my day, that sort of thing wasn’t done, not by respectable people.”

“I understand how it may have shocked you, ma’am. I believe in some states it’s still considered illegal.”

“As well it should be.”

“So, when you heard them, what did you do?”

“I started pounding and hollering and raising a ruckus, until Jimmy finally let me out. The poor girl seemed so confused, as if she didn’t even know I lived here, as if Jimmy were keeping it a secret, like it was some perverse little game. I said to her, ‘Get your clothes and get out.’ She glared at Jimmy and asked, ‘What’s going on?’ Jimmy said, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll take care of this.’ Then he and I began arguing.”

“What did the girl do?”

“She went to put on her clothes in the corner. I think I remember her shouting at him again, ‘What the HELL is going on?’ Or something like that. I wanted her out of the apartment, for her own safety, of course. As I said, I know how Jimmy can be when his blood is up.”

“And you weren’t concerned for your own safety?” asked Perrone.

Her head swiveled back and forth. “No. Though he shouts and berates, he’s never raised a hand to me. At least, not until tonight.”

“Tell us,” urged Perrone.

“I reiterated that I wanted the girl out of here. He shouted something like, ‘You never want me to have anyone! You don’t want me to be happy!’ As if I would deny him his life. As I said, the boy is delusional. Anyway, we kept arguing back and forth, the poor girl having to listen to the whole thing, until finally Jimmy grabbed the screwdriver. His face was... I’ve never seen him like that, the pure anger, the rage. He stepped toward me, shouting — and I’ll never forget this — He said, ‘I’ll take you apart piece by piece!’ Can you imagine such a grisly notion?”

“Hard to believe,” straight-faced Stockel.

The old woman ignored him and pressed on. “He stood over me, raising that screwdriver, red in the face, spittle flying from his mouth. I have to admit I was frightened to death, but I stood my ground. As calmly as I could I said, ‘Jimmy, you don’t want to do this. Please send the girl away and we’ll get you the help you need.’ He stared at me with his eyes so huge, still intending to use the screwdriver. Then I heard the girl in the corner shout, ‘You’re messed up!’, though she peppered it with some very unladylike language. Something seemed to snap in Jimmy. He turned and rushed toward her, stabbing her over and over. I shouted for him to stop, but he didn’t. Not until he’d tuckered himself out. That poor, poor girl.”

Perrone glanced across the room. Serena Mayes was dead on the floor, slick with blood, eyes gouged out. Crime-scene investigators continued their examination of the room.

“One of the neighbors must have called nine-one-one. All the noise and everything.” She coughed, a deep throaty rumble, too big to be coming from such a tiny thing.

Stockel decided to play good cop. “Would you like a glass of water for that cough, ma’am?”

“Is that some sort of joke about our act, Detective?”

“No joke, ma’am. I told you before, I’ve got no sense of humor. If I did, I wouldn’t be so irritated standing here talking to you.”

Stockel turned to his older, more patient partner. “Really, man, how long are we going to play this game? He’s the one we’ve got to talk to.”

He jabbed a stubby finger at Jimmy, the young man with the blood-spattered shirt and the stone-frozen grin on his face, sitting before them.

“We ARE talking to him,” said Perrone. “And he’s been quite helpful.”

“Thank you, Detective. Thank you for understanding,” said the old woman sitting on Jimmy’s lap.

“We’ll make sure your son gets the help he needs,” comforted Perrone.

“Thank you.”

Stockel rolled his eyes.

Perrone got the attention of a uniformed officer near the door.

The cop came over, placed an arm on Jimmy’s shoulder.

“Take him downtown and park him in interrogation room three,” said Perrone. “I’ll be there when I can. Have Doc Wozer take a crack. Be sure he knows the kid won’t respond to questions, but his mother’s plenty talkative.”

The officer scrunched his eyebrows, baffled.

Stockel translated, “Tell Doc to talk to the dummy.”

At that, the old wooden woman stared at him with eyelids at half-mast, affecting a glare. Jimmy did the same, a scowl affixed to his visage in mimicry of his mother-puppet.

“You’re an unpleasant man, Detective,” said the ventriloquist’s dummy.

“You said that already,” replied Stockel. Then he stared Jimmy in the eye. “You’re not half bad at that, kid. Too bad you’re nuts.”

Jimmy carried the wooden Mrs. Santoni in the crook of his arm as he was led away by the officer and out the door.

“There goes one disturbed individual,” sadly intoned Perrone.

Stockel crossed to an old wooden steamer trunk on the table, one end of it decorated with peeling decals from various ports of call, its leather carrying strap cracked with age. He lifted the lid, looked inside at the red velvet lining. “He should’ve kept her locked up.” Then he pondered, “You think they’ll let him take her to the joint with him?”

“That’d be something,” said Perrone.

Stockel once again surveyed the crime scene and shook his head. “Man... the paperwork.”

©2009 by Brian Muir

The Jury Box

by Jon L. Breen

Of the increasing number of mysteries with a religious background, some feature sleuths in the tradition of Father Brown, Rabbi Small, Sister Ursula, and Brother Cadfael. Others exploit sacred institutions as a backdrop for bizarre crimes. While some are celebratory and inspirational, others are skeptical and debunking; some ad-dress real moral and theological conflicts, and others expose charlatans and hypocrites. Beginning the round-up below are two polemical novels that come from very different places on the social/political/culture wars spectrum. Both explore contemporary religious issues with unusual depth and (allowing for their disparate vantage points) balance.

*** Jane Haddam: Living Witness, Minotaur, $25.95. The controversy over Intelligent Design in the public school curriculum of a small Pennsylvania town culminates in a life-threatening attack on a nonagenarian gadfly and two subsequent murders. Former FBI agent and latter-day super sleuth Gregor Demarkian investigates, leaving to his blue blood Philadelphia fiancee the contentious planning of their coming wedding, which involves its own religious controversy. Haddam specializes in intricate puzzle plotting, well-realized characters, and clear-headed exploration of ideas and issues.

*** Larry Beinhart: Salvation Boulevard, Nation Books, $24.95. When an atheist college professor at a fictitious Southwestern university is murdered and an Islamic student is accused, his Jewish defense attorney employs a born-again Christian P.I., who belongs to the congregation of a charismatic televangelist. Though some of the melodramatic developments and character reversals strain belief, this expertly written and consistently absorbing thriller has a surprisingly thoughtful and nuanced consideration of contemporary religious views. A closing note indicates that the outrageous scam at the center of the plot has a precedent in recent history.

*** Ben Rehder: Holy Moly, St. Martin’s Minotaur, $24.95. The skull of a prehistoric Alamosaurus is found by a backhoe operator on the property of yet another fundamentalist televangelist, this one of the prosperity gospel type. Competing values — the bone’s monetary and embarrassment potential — send a variety of well-drawn characters after this archaeological MacGuffin, while game warden John Marlin investigates the bow-and-arrow murder of the backhoe driver. This fast-moving, cross-cutting farcical mystery bears comparisonto Donald E. Westlake’s comic thrillers. If you guess the murderer,you’re good.

*** Kate Charles: Deep Waters, Poisoned Pen, $24.95. In her third outing, young Anglican curate Callie Anson, a likeable and fully realized character, confronts problems romantic (her relationship with a Roman Catholic cop), domestic (her necessary co-existence with the vicar’s wife), and professional (dealing with the family of an infant who may have been murdered). The baby is the daughter of dimwitted short-term celebrities Jodee and Chazz, known for their graphic coupling on a British TV reality show. The solutions to the baby’s death and another suspected murder may not satisfy fans of formal detection, but I can highly recommend this novel for its smooth style, expert management of a large cast of interesting people, and insights into 21st-century attitudes to fame and celebrity.

*** Linda Berry: Death and the Crossed Wires, Five Star, $25.95. At the beginning of the sixth case for Georgia police-woman Trudy Roundtree, a youth pastor about to baptize a teenage girl is electrocuted before the stunned congregation. This is a strong example of the small-town procedural. The easy, humorous first-person narrative brings a range of believable characters to life; the plot is agreeably complex; and though the murderer is not a surprise, the motivation is interesting.

*** Cassandra Clark: Hangman Blind, Minotaur, $24.95. In 1382 Yorkshire, Sister Hildegard sets out on an unaccompanied journey hoping to establish her own small abbey house. Multiple murders complicate her mission. This first in a very promising new historical series is especially strong on setting the scene, establishing the historical and political context, and elucidating the attitudes and conflicts of the characters. The practical and business aspects of medieval religious life receive more emphasis than in some other series.

*** Carolyn Hart: Ghost at Work, Morrow, $24.95. Admirers of Blithe Spirit, Topper, and other works in which an-gels or ghosts help or bedevil the living, will find an enjoyable fresh variation in this farcical fantasy. The comforting Biblical Heaven depicted honors earthly memories and activities somewhat like Richard Matheson’s in the 1978 novel What Dreams May Com. Bailey Ruth Raeburn, who died fairly recently but before the prevalence of cell phones and computers, is a new recruit to the Department of Good Intentions, whose emissaries are expected to keep their interventions as low-key subtle as possible when returning to Earth. But Bailey Ruth is dispatched to her Oklahoma hometown,Adelaide, to assist the Episcopal pastor’s wife, who has found a dead body on the back porch of the rectory, before she can fully study the rules and almost immediately starts improvising in the tradition of Clarence in It’s a Wonderful Life. Though the sleuth is supernatural, the agreeably tricky whodunit is grounded in earthly reality.

** Paul Charles: Dust of Death, Brandon/Dufour, $36.95. The first novel about small-town Ireland’s Inspector Starrett, a one-named bachelor in the Morse tradition, concerns a carpenter found crucified in the sanctuary of the Second Federation Church. The American-based denomination has a very odd theology and, in its only foreign outpost, a distinctly uncharismatic pastor. The solution isn’t quite as good as the tantalizing problem, but strong style, characterization, and sense of place suggest future books may reach the level of the author’s established Christy Kennedy series.

** Aimee and David Thurlo: The Prodigal Nun, St. Martin’s Minotaur, $24.95. The fourth outing for Sister Agatha, former journalist and extern nun (i.e.,one allowed to deal with society outside the monastery) for a cloistered New Mexico order, concerns the murder of amass attendee in the chapel parking lot.Sometimes other strengths — here,intriguing plot, unusual background,and engaging characters — can compensate for flat, by-the-numbers prose and dialogue. (By evidence of the bestseller lists, this happens quite a lot.)

** Brandt Dodson: Daniel’s Den, Harvest House, $14.99. New Orleans investment advisor Daniel Borden, finding evidence of money laundering when auditing the accounts of a recently deceased colleague, makes the mistake of reporting it to his boss. In the frame and on the run, he joins forces with a widow and her nine-year-old son, a precocious news and history junkie. After as low start (excessive back story as each character is introduced), this turns into a fairly effective thriller, its religious connection in the spiritual life of the characters rather than the background or subject matter. While soul-saving doesn’t crowd out action and suspense most of the way, the inspirational denouement goes over the top.

Identity Theft

by Jon L. Breen

Back for a third case, here’s Jon Breen’s cop team Berwanger and Foley, who spend as much of their time doing public-relations speaking as they do on the beat. The first Berwanger/Foley tale appeared in EQMM in December of 2007, the second in the MWA anthology The Blue Religion. A fourth will appear in EQMM later this year. Mr. Breen is, of course, the longtime author of our highly esteemed Jury Box review column.

* * * *

Detectives Berwanger and Foley made their way up the front steps of the city’s main public library, not to investigate murder in the stacks but to make one of their frequent and much in demand community appearances in the cause of departmental public relations. Foley, who compulsively kept track of such things, said to his partner, “Do you realize we now spend nearly half our on-duty time filling speaking engagements?”

“Really?” Berwanger said.

“Yeah. I figured it out last night.”

“How long did that take you?”

“I don’t know. An hour, maybe.”

“You should get a life.”

Foley shrugged. “I like statistics.”

“Okay. Just so it’s nearly half and not over half. Staying working cops is vital to our credibility.”

“You think we have credibility?”

Berwanger didn’t dignify that with an answer. They walked though the main doors and turned left toward the office of the deputy chief librarian, Melissa Foxglove, who had arranged their visit. The door was unlocked, but she wasn’t there. Berwanger looked at his watch. It was six-thirty, the agreed upon time, and their appearance was scheduled for seven.

“Where is she?” Berwanger said.

“Hey, not everybody’s as clock-driven as cops. She’ll be here.” They entered the office and waited.

At a quarter of, Melissa arrived, full of apologies and obviously frazzled.

“Everything okay, Ms. Foxglove?” Foley inquired.

For a moment, it appeared she would unburden herself, but instead she shook her head and said, “It’s nothing. I’m just having a tough day. Why should I bother you guys with my problems?”

“Because that’s our job,” said Berwanger. “To protect and serve the public.”

“Besides,” chimed in Foley, “we’re detectives. We can’t be presented with a mystery without trying to solve it.”

“It’ll be a distraction. We’ll spend all evening wondering what’s bothering you.”

“It’ll ruin our presentation.”

“Still, we don’t mean to be nosy. You don’t have to tell us.”

“I mean, it’s not like you’re a victim of a crime or anything. Is it?”

“Well, actually,” Melissa said, “I am the victim of a crime. But—”

“That’s it,” said Foley. “Now you have to tell us.”

So she told them, pouring out the circumstances in a fast-paced five-minute monologue. When she was finished, the two detectives looked at each other.

“We can’t help you,” Berwanger said, shaking his head sadly.

“You’ve done everything right, it sounds like,” Foley said.

“It’s been helpful just being able to tell you about it,” Melissa said.

“It can help others, too,” Berwanger said. “And it can help us figure out what we’re going to do tonight. You know what I’m thinking, Foley?”

“I think so.”

After Berwanger told Melissa what he wanted her to do, she led them along the hall to the library’s community meeting room, already full. As Berwanger had expected, their library appearance had drawn a wide demographic from pre-teens (have to keep it G-rated) to senior citizens (have to keep ‘em awake). The librarian’s introduction was cheerful and generous, and the two cops had received a rousing ovation before they uttered a word.

As usual, Berwanger spoke first. He thanked Melissa, then turned to his partner and said, “I never know what to expect from a library crowd.”

“They’re some of the best ones,” Foley said.

“Sure, but you never know what you’re going to get. Any of you folks writers?” A few hands went up. “For a roomful of writers, we gotta be ready with little details of who’s got jurisdiction and how you protect evidence and when you Mirandize the suspect, stuff they can use to give the illusion they know what they’re writing about, but that’s going to bore the rest of you. You want war stories, right?” There were murmurs of assent. “Now, if we were visiting a grade school, we’d gross you out with a creepy story and sneak in a subtle little moral. But I have to disappoint you kids. No fart jokes. It offends your parents and grandparents. And you jaded high-school kids, you’re really a tough audience. If we were at your school, we’d get you every time with jokes about the principal, but that won’t play here. Now you retirees are a great audience. You like to hear about classic cases and the changes in police work since you were young. But that won’t mean a thing to the rest of this crowd. That’s the thing about appearances at libraries, you draw from every category, and it’s hard to know what will work.”

“Shall we just go home?” Foley said, taking a few steps toward the door.

“I don’t think so. The chief wouldn’t like it.”

“Just have to play it by ear then,” Foley said. “I got your back, partner.”

Berwanger looked out at the group, pursed his lips as though pondering what he would say next, and finally asked, “How many of you folks have been victims of a crime? Come on. Just put your hand up. I’m curious.”

“What is this, jury duty?” Foley cracked, and Berwanger gave him a pained look.

As expected, several hands went up at once, and by the time the timid ones had decided it was safe, most of the hands were up.

“Who’d like to tell us about your experiences?” Most hands went down quickly. “A few of you, just as examples. You, sir?”

“Home burglary,” said a middle-aged man at a corner of the front door. “Years ago now, but it puzzles me to this day. Hardly anything stolen, and the burglar put a record on the stereo. It was the cast album of How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.”

“At least he was trying to improve himself,” Berwanger said. “You, sir?”

“My car was stolen last year,” said a thirtyish man in a pizza-delivery uniform. “Don’t know why. It was a wreck. Guy did me a favor.”

Several others chimed in with burglaries and car thefts. Some of the kids had had books or magazines or cell phones stolen from them at school. Only one person who spoke up had been a victim of violent crime, a street-corner mugging. Berwanger and Foley knew that statistically there must be rape or robbery victims in the room, or kids who had encountered school bullies who sold protection, but they were understandably not eager to share. Finally Berwanger called on Melissa Foxglove, standing at the back of the room.

“I was the victim of identity theft,” she said with fresh outrage. “Somebody got ahold of my Social Security and credit-card numbers and ran up a bunch of charges. It’s taken me months to straighten it all out, and just when I think it’s finished, something else pops up.”

“Overdue library books?” Foley suggested.

“Even worse than that, and that’s serious,” she replied.

“A distinctly contemporary crime,” Berwanger said. “And it’s on the rise. Was your computer involved, Ms. Foxglove?”

“Not my computer,” she said disgustedly. “It was my son’s computer, and my husband was using it at the time. It had nothing to do with me, apart from cleaning the mess up.” She got some sympathetic murmurs from women in the audience.

A youth in the front row provided the perfect lead-in. “Did you guys ever have a case involving identity theft?”

Foley looked at Berwanger. “Well, there was that one case.”

“Oh, you mean—?”

“Yeah, that one.”

“And did that have something to do with somebody’s computer use, too?” Melissa wanted to know.

“In a way,” Berwanger said.

“Yeah, kind of,” Foley said.

A “pre-published” mystery writer the police team recognized from other speaking engagements put up his hand and said, “Folks, I’ve heard these guys before, and we’re not getting all we could out of them. They’re at their best talking about murder. That’s where it’s at. I’m a writer, and there’s only so much you can do fictionally with identity theft. So tell us this, Detectives, what’s the strangest motive for murder you ever encountered?”

Berwanger and Foley glanced at each other, both thinking the same thing. The guy wasn’t an audience plant, but he couldn’t have served them better if he’d been briefed ahead of time.

“What do you know?” said Foley, “I think that same case qualifies, don’t you, Berwanger?”

“Technically, it was even more a murder case than an identity-theft case,” Berwanger agreed.

Naturally, the whole audience, from middle-schoolers to senior-center habitues, clamored to hear about it.

“Okay,” Berwanger said. “Detective Foley and I will play a little scene for you now. Picture an interrogation room at the police station. Not much furniture, just a table and a couple of chairs. Earlier that day, a man had been pulled over on a traffic violation, going fifty-five in a forty-five-mile-per-hour zone, the sort of thing that would normally just get him a ticket. But the officer who pulled him over found something he thought suspicious enough to bring the man to the station for questioning. I was on duty that night. Foley here was out sick with a cold or something—”

“Flu symptoms,” said Foley. “I was out with flu symptoms.”

“Let’s just say he had some lame excuse for a night off. Anyway, he wasn’t there, so—”

“I hate missing work, but I could have infected the whole station house. You’re making it sound like I was malingering or something. I felt terrible, but I would have come to work if I hadn’t been so contagious.”

“These folks don’t want to hear about police personnel problems—”

“I’m not a personnel problem. I hardly ever miss work.”

“All right, all right. Because my partner was at death’s door, I got the job of interviewing this guy by myself. Okay? But I told Foley all about it later, so for purposes of our interrogation demonstration, I will play myself, and my partner will take on the role of the suspect. He was a middle-aged man.”

“I can do middle-aged,” Foley said confidently.

“Not at all dangerous looking. Well-dressed, looked like a solid citizen. Can you manage that, Foley?”

“Obviously, yes.”

“Going a little bit bald, a little bit fat, kind of soft.”

“It’s a stretch, but I can bring it off,” Foley said.

“Normally mild-mannered, you might think, but sitting in the interrogation room for the better part of an hour had made him a bit edgy and disgruntled.”

Foley turned his back, rotated his shoulders, contorted his face.

“Get on with it,” Berwanger said. “My partner the method actor.”

Foley finally turned around to face the group in the character of an outraged citizen, holding in his anger by force of will.

Berwanger said, “You say your name is Ignatz Teitlebaum.”

“That is correct.”

“And you are currently registered at the Holly Arms Hotel downtown?”

“That is correct, yes.”

“And you are the driver of a beige 1994 Camry wagon that was pulled over earlier this evening by Officer Dawes?”

“I believe that was his name.”

“And he gave you a ticket for speeding?”

“He did. He claimed I was driving ten miles an hour over the speed limit.”

“And were you?”

“Probably. I don’t plan to dispute it, and I gave the officer perfect cooperation. I have to say, though, that it seems excessive zeal on the part of the patrolman with all the more serious crime that presumably goes on in this city. I was moving the same speed as the other traffic, and I feel certain my speed was safe. Still, Officer Dawes was fully within his rights to give me a ticket, and I am prepared to pay whatever fine is levied. What was your name, Officer?”

“Detective Berwanger, sir.”

“Detective Berwanger, I am a stranger to your city. I don’t know how you do things here. Do you know how long I’ve been sitting here?”

“I’m sorry, sir. We’re a little shorthanded today. My partner is out sick.”

“Well, I wish he were here. He’s probably a fine officer.”

“Yes, sir, he is.”

“In fact, you probably rely on him. I’d venture to say he probably carries you most of the time, doesn’t he?”

“I wouldn’t go that far.”

“Maybe if he were here, you’d be proceeding in a more orthodox way.”

“What strikes you as unorthodox, Mr. Teitlebaum?”

“Well, now let me see. A visitor to your city is pulled over on a minor speeding infraction.”

“You think speeding is a minor infraction, sir?”

“Certainly, it is. I wasn’t driving unsafely. I wasn’t drunk. I didn’t offer any resistance to the officer who stopped me. I am ready and willing to pay whatever fine is levied for my egregious offense. And yet I have been brought to your police station, been placed in this dingy little room to cool my heels for—” a glance at his watch — “nearly two hours. Then I have been confronted by a policeman with the exalted title of Detective who presumably should have more important things to do. Is this your department’s usual procedure on a traffic violation?”

“Mr. Teitlebaum, I’m sure you realize there is a bit more to it than that. Now, before we go any further, you’ve been advised of your rights. You know you have the right to an attorney and you have waived that right, correct?”

“Yes, yes, no need for a lawyer.”

“Let me congratulate you on your driver’s license.”

“Why? The picture isn’t at all flattering.”

“It’s one of the finest forgeries I’ve ever seen. Perhaps you can tell us where you got it.”

Outrage was registered. “I got it from the Department of Motor Vehicles, Detective! It is not a forgery.”

“Your credit cards all look quite authentic, too. Very nice work.”

“They are authentic! I am Ignatz Teitlebaum.”

“No, you’re not.”

“I’m not?”

“The real Teitlebaum is a respected member of this community, and I know him well, at least by sight. You look nothing like him. You apparently have stolen his identity.”

“What can I say to that? There must be another Ignatz Teitlebaum.”

“Come now, sir, whatever your name is. Are you telling me there could be two people named Ignatz Teitlebaum?”

“I know it sounds unlikely, but here I sit to prove it. Detective, this can be easily cleared up. In my own city, I too am a respected member of my community. I’m a high-school teacher.”

“What do you teach?”

“English, if that’s relevant.”

“It explains the way you talk.”

“Thank you. I take pride in expressing myself with precision.”

“You a good teacher? Do the kids relate to you?”

“I’m a very good teacher, yes. Earlier this year, I was recognized as teacher of the year in my district, a distinction of which I’m very proud. But what does that have to do with this nonsensical conversation we’re having? I want to get out of this police station and get on with my life. I am prepared to write a check for my speeding violation tonight. I’m even willing to make an extra contribution to your policemen’s benefit fund or to the charity of your choice.”

“You offering me a bribe, sir?”

“Certainly not!”

“It sounded like it. Now what was your name again?”

“I have told you I am Ignatz Teitlebaum and I can prove it. A few phone calls can verify my identity.”

“Maybe we can make those calls in the morning. Don’t want to bother people this time of night.”

“In the morning? Do you mean you intend to keep me here overnight?”

“I’m afraid we have no choice.”

“Detective, this is absurd. I insist this whole thing be straightened out immediately. I do not find your city a friendly place, and I am becoming more and more anxious to leave.”

“I’m sure you are, sir.”

“Perhaps if you took me to this other Teitlebaum, we could straighten this all out.”

“I think you know that’s not possible, sir.”

“How would I know such a thing?”

“Officer Dawes asked you to come to the station with him because your name made him suspicious. He thought he had a case of identity theft on his hands and maybe a murder suspect. Ignatz Teitlebaum is dead. Someone shot him to death in his home earlier today. Neighbors reported seeing an unfamiliar beige Camry wagon near his house. One of the neighbors took down the license number of that vehicle. Your license number. On the basis of this, we were able to procure a warrant to search your vehicle. We found your weapon in the trunk. Pending a ballistics report, we suspect it fired the bullet that killed Ignatz Teitlebaum. I don’t know what your name is, but I suggest you killed Mr. Teitlebaum after stealing his identity. Who are you really?”

Deep sigh of resignation. Faint ironic smile. “My name is Ignatz Teitlebaum, and everything I’ve told you is true.”

“But there’s a lot you haven’t told me.”

“That is true, too.”

“You don’t have to say anything more. You have a right to a lawyer.”

“Yes, yes, I know. But what’s the use? I want to tell you everything. I want you to understand.”

“Good. Enlighten me.”

“All my life I have been interested in names. Probably more than I would have been if my name were John Jones. I have been especially curious about people who have the misfortune to share names, a situation I never expected to encounter personally. An English novelist built a fine reputation for herself using the name Elizabeth Taylor. Then another young person came along and became much more famous using the same name in quite another line of endeavor. How annoying that must have been to the original. Similar case with a radio personality out in California named Michael Jackson. Had the name long before that singer fellow. But once that Michael Jackson came into prominence, it was as if the other Michael Jackson had his name stolen out from under him. There’s a Canadian writer, very good one, named Peter Sellers, like the motion-picture actor. Since this Sellers achieved prominence after that Sellers was dead, there’s little danger of their being confused with one another, but still, it must be galling. Worse still, some unsuspecting babies are deliberately sentenced to live with famous names. Back in the Thirties there was an outstanding football player named Bill Shakespeare. No danger of being confused with the long-dead bard, but his parents clearly saddled him with a famous name deliberately, and I wonder how he liked it. Of course, there are non-celebrity examples, as when two children in the same class have the same name, leading to confusion and inconvenience. I once had two Jose Estradas at the same time. I dealt with it, but it was annoying.”

“This is all most interesting, sir. But where are you going with it?”

“I shall get to the point. First, you must understand that I am intensely proud of my name and of the Teitlebaum family. But growing up with such an unusual name, I was the target of teasing from my fellow children, which I accepted with a dignity and stoicism beyond my years. At least I could console myself that I would never be confused with anyone else. The name Ignatz Teitlebaum was surely unique and throughout my life would be mine alone. Do you ever Google yourself, Detective? By that I mean—”

“I know what it means. And yes, I did it once. Or twice. Just to see.”

“You have an unusual surname, though you share it with another Thirties football player, Jay Berwanger of the University of Chicago, who won the first Heisman Trophy. Is he any relation?”

“Distant, I think. But we’re getting off the subject.”

“Not really. I’m making a point. I live in a city several hundred miles from here, and I am a minor, unimportant schoolteacher. Occasionally, though, my name would appear in the news, and I would succumb to the temptation of looking myself up on the Internet. Few items would come up, but they would all be about me. When I was named teacher of the year, I was very proud. I had my picture in the paper. This called for another Googling, did it not? But this time I discovered your Ignatz Teitlebaum, the one who lives in your city, the one who has only recently become so prominent in your civic affairs, on every committee of every charity, asked his viewpoint on every matter of public interest. Suddenly, his achievements outweighed my own to the extent that of forty Google references, thirty-five referred to him and only five to me! The one thing that I could call my own, my unique name, was suddenly taken from me. I came to your city determined to meet this other Ignatz Teitlebaum.”

“Intending what?”

“I don’t really know. Not murder, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“It certainly is what I’m asking. Why would that surprise you?”

A shrug. “I could have wondered if he was a long-lost relative, could I not? Perhaps I hoped to get him to change his name, or at least start using a middle initial to distinguish him from me. Perhaps I wanted to commiserate with him over our situation, which must have been as annoying to him as it was to me. Well, not quite, with his thirty-five to five advantage. Maybe I was just curious about what another Ignatz Teitlebaum would look like. In any case, I had no intention of killing him. I had looked up his address in the phone book and was able to find it fairly easily with the aid of a city map. I walked up to his front door and knocked, wondering if I should have telephoned first. But I was pleased that he greeted me quite cordially, invited me in. He was home alone, said his wife was out at some sort of charity meeting. He offered me a drink, and we sat down to have what began as a nice chat.

“But as I sat there across from him, things gradually began to change. I suppose the horrifying reality that there could be another Ignatz Teitlebaum began to dawn on him. His manner became more and more agitated, hostile, and suspicious. A glint of madness came into his eye, and his attitude could only be called threatening. He came up out of his chair, shouting the most horrible things. ‘You are not Ignatz Teitlebaum! I am the only Ignatz Teitlebaum!’ He grasped a letter opener and came at me like a homicidal maniac, ranting insanely as he came nearer. ‘You have no pride in the name of Teitlebaum!’ he cried. ‘You disgrace the name of Teitlebaum! You have no right to the name of Teitlebaum! You are an impostor and haven’t the right to live!’ I was in fear for my life, Detective. I had no choice but to defend myself.”

“He attacked you?”

“Yes, Detective, he did.”

“He suddenly went ballistic in the middle of a friendly conversation?”

“A cliche, but apt enough, yes. Don’t you believe me?”

“I half believe you. I think somebody went ballistic, but I think it was you.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“You’re the one who came into his house carrying a handgun. Do you usually do that when paying a friendly social call?”

“I honestly don’t remember taking the gun in with me. I’m somewhat absent-minded at times. But it’s certainly lucky I had it, isn’t it?”

“Those things he shouted at you, Mr. Teitlebaum. About lacking pride in the name and disgracing the name. Where did that come from? What was it that set him off exactly?”

“Uh, I think it was the vanity plate.”

“The vanity plate? You mean a personalized license plate?”

“Yes, I do.”

“But you didn’t have a vanity plate on your car, Mr. Teitlebaum.”

“No, no. It was his vanity plate. He took me to his garage to show it to me. He seemed pleased with it, amused by the way he had abbreviated his surname. But I found it most offensive and insulting. It said, ‘TITLE BUM’! Can you imagine that? What sort of man makes fun of his own proud name?”

“So let me get this straight. He was insulted by something on his own license plate?”

A moment of disorientation. “What?”

“You said the maniacal outburst came because of his license plate. So whose outburst is it you’ve been describing, Mr. Teitlebaum? Yours or his?”

A long pause, the two combatants staring at each other.

“Tell me the truth, Mr. Teitlebaum.”

“I have been.” A shorter pause. “Mostly.” A sigh of resignation. “All right, all right. Something came over me, Detective. Something over which I had no control. Maybe something in my subconscious was planning what happened, but I certainly knew nothing about it. I don’t even remember the moment of pulling the trigger, but I must have done it, because he was lying there in front of me dead. Through no volition of my own, through a strange insane impulse, I was a murderer. My immediate thought was to call the police at once, give myself up. But then I considered my family, my students, my responsibilities. That Ignatz Teitlebaum was dead, but this Ignatz Teitlebaum could still carry on a useful life. What would be gained by taking the teacher of the year out of circulation, eh? So I decided to flee. Who knew me in town? No one. Who could connect me to the crime? As far as I knew, no one. I began to drive back to my hotel, intending to check out and head home immediately. I even believed I was driving at a reasonable speed, but apparently you are strict about speed limits in your city, and your Officer Dawes pulled me over. So here I am.

“Yes, I killed him. Ironic, isn’t it? Now, our names are joined forever. And you know what, Detective Berwanger? I won. You may try me and fry me or send me to some place where the criminally insane are sent, but it won’t matter because I won.” Contorted face, maniacal laughter, an insane look in the eye. “Do you hear me? I won, I won, I won!!”

When Foley had finished and dropped his chin to his chest to signal a falling curtain, the audience gave him a standing ovation.

When the applause had subsided, Berwanger said, “Really like to chew the scenery, don’t you?”

Foley smirked at the audience and said, “Jealousy is so unbecoming.”

“But you forgot the punch line, Foley. Why did out-of-town Teitlebaum think he’d won?”

“Oh, that’s easy. The murderer always gets more Google hits than the victim.”

©2009 by Jon L. Breen

Without Anesthesia

by Maceias Nunes

Passport to Crime

Translated from the Portuguese by Cliff Landers

Maceias Nunes is a graduate of the Federal University in Rio de Janeiro, where he has lived for fifty years and where he is a community organizer in the poor areas of the city. In his free time he is a prolific creator of challenge-level crossword puzzles in Portuguese. “Without Anesthesia” is his first published work of fiction, so it also qualifies for our Department of First Stories. It was one of the finalists in a contest run by O Globo Rio de Janiero’s, leading newspaper.

* * * *

Eichmann had been captured just two weeks earlier, and that added to the astonishment that sent a chill through me when Herr Weber began fishing through the trunk of objects that would establish his true identity. Herr Weber was more than just the gringo who lived with his wife and daughter in a masonry house in the Jacarezinho favela and worked as a machine mechanic at the nearby textile factory. Frau and Fraulein Weber would be away for a couple of hours before returning from their Friday outing, which would allow enough time for the ritual that the German was executing with an economy and precision of gesture characteristic of his six-foot three-inch frame. Next to the trunk, on the cheap wooden table, were three bottles of red wine.

He placed on the table a blackletter copy of Mein Kampf, with a brown cover, and said in a neutral tone, “I’ve read it three times, but I didn’t need to. The Fuhrer’s ideas were telepathic.”

He took from the trunk a yellowed copy, also in blackletter, of the “Horst Wessel Song.” And he lined up on the table other items — an aluminum mug with a swastika in bas-relief on its sides, a Parabellum, and a red banner with the inscription in yellow: Deutschland uber alles.

His hand trembled slightly as he took out a photograph. In it, Heinrich Himmler was smiling discreetly and benignly. Beside him, tense and martial, was Herr Weber.

He left the photo on the table, his eyes now bloodshot from the wine that he sipped straight from the bottle, then plunged his hand into the trunk again and emerged with a black velvet sack, spilling part of its contents onto the table.

“Gold teeth taken from the dirty mouths of those Jews that Himmler and Heydrich did the favor of annihilating. Bergen-Belsen. I was a guard there. Pulled without anesthesia, some of them from the living. A lovely sight. From the dead it wasn’t necessary.”

He exploded into harsh, cold laughter, humorless and joyless. I wanted nothing more than to get out of there. He saw my anguish, picked up the Parabellum, placed the barrel against my forehead, and said, “My name is Wilhelm von Gutwelt. Frau Brunhilde is actually Lina Knupp von Gutwelt. Fraulein Elke is Gudrun, the name of Himmler’s daughter. What matters from now on is your future, Herr Gabriel, with Elke.”

The ironic emphasis on Herr served as preamble to the torrent of insults that he proceeded to pour out, saying that he’d chosen me because I was dark skinned and would serve as alibi; that I was a nobody, incapable of refusing the offer he was about to make me; that Brazil was the end of the world and a favela in Rio de Janeiro was the end of the end of the world; that he felt revulsion at the thought of seeing Gudrun married to a maggot such as me, but the hell of it was that she seemed to like me; that women are like that: The less something is worth, the more they value it; that, to terminate the conversation, this was the deal: two kilos of gold, a house to live in outside the favela, a job at the textile factory to learn the trade of machine mechanic, twenty thousand dollars in cash, plus everything that he and Frau Lina would leave their daughter as inheritance. In exchange, I’d keep my mouth shut for the rest of my life.

“I’m not a fool. It’s no good trying to hide using the traditional methods. Where Eichmann and the others went wrong is that they didn’t succeed in being average enough.”

He picked up the mug, filled it with wine, handed it to me, and said, “We have a pact. I give you the future you could never have on your own and you give me the chance to acknowledge my past openly. At least with you.”

I drank the wine in the mug in a single swallow and left through the maze of alleys with the sensation of having taken a beating. Even today I still struggle to understand why a small-time Nazi, whose obscurity could have guaranteed his safety, would reveal himself so readily. I conclude that he used me to play a kind of psychological Russian roulette. I was the bullet.

But it could be that he was merely displaying the Nazi megalomania — to conquer the world at any cost. After all, Eichmann had done that. His name was in all the headlines. Or maybe he’d spoken just to vent, trying to appease the fury of guilt reawakened by Eichmann’s capture. It’s possible that, thinking himself on the verge of being caught, he was attempting to put his affairs in order. Or might it be a test whose final result would prove the mixed-breed’s inferiority, whether in petty tasks or in lacking the courage to denounce a confessed criminal? Could it be just a psychotic display by a half-mad Nazi?

The first time I saw Elke afterward, I told her that her father had been a guard at Bergen-Belsen and had offered me happiness in exchange for silence. Her eyes brimming with tears, she corrected me.

“It was Auschwitz, and he was responsible for burning the bodies.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

“Because I love you and thought the subject need never come up between us. I don’t want to lose you. Let’s run away. My mother won’t leave my father. She was a member of the Nazi party, like him.”

I began to think running away was a good idea. We would go somewhere far away, to the end of the world. Then I remembered Herr Weber’s words: “The end of the world is here.”

If he could have seen me hanging from the door of the Central Station train heading to work next day along with the other lunch-pail carriers from the Baixada Fluminense and the outlying districts, Herr Weber would have had even more reason to say that he had sought refuge at the end of the world. And if he’d seen me shouting “I know a Nazi!” at a messenger who worked in the office next to mine on Churchill Avenue, he would have concluded that even at the end of the world there was no refuge for him.

“I can’t hear a thing!” my acquaintance said.

After we got off the train and won the race that guaranteed us a seat on the Francisco Sobus, I resumed the attempt at dialogue: “I said on the train that I know a Nazi.”

“What’s a Nazi?”

“A man who likes to kill Jews.”

I knew that he worked for a couple of Jewish businessmen named Klein, father and son, who handled the importation of gourmet foods. He said that if there was some Nazi trying to kill his bosses it was best to warn them right away.

When I spoke to them about the matter, they asked for details about the German’s daily routine. He was arrested near the factory at seven-thirty in the morning. Half an hour later they took Frau Brunhilde away, after her husband, without being forced to do so, pointed out the way to the house in Jacarezinho. I never heard anything further about the couple, nothing in the papers. Eichmann, the big fish, dominated the headlines. He was enough for the world not to forget the lesson of the annihilation of the Jews.

I denounced the Gutwelts because of the German’s laughter when he spoke of extracting teeth from the Jews. In my experience, at that time, the greatest possible cruelty was pulling teeth with the worthless anesthesia with which the fake dentists in the favela would try futilely to desensitize my inflamed gums. Even the thought of extraction without anesthesia was too much for me.

The Jews kept their promise not to touch Elke. When I told her, at the house in the favela, that her parents had been arrested, she hugged me and sobbed for a long time, softly. Then she told me that for them the Nazi party, Hitler, and especially Himmler, came before her. After we got married, we moved to Santa Teresa. The Kleins also moved from their office on Churchill Avenue, but first they called me in and handed me a package containing twenty thousand dollars, saying that they had kept the trunk and the other things as proof. I replied that I needed to consult Elke about whether to accept the money. She said I should.

We were happy for the forty years we were together. Every month I visit her tomb at the Sao Francisco Xavier cemetery. The Jews never forgot what they considered an act of courage on my part and Elke’s. In reality, if not for the fake dentists I’m certain I would’ve accepted Herr Weber’s offer and never have done that favor for the cause of the Holocaust.

We never had children because Elke didn’t want to, and the decision came on the day I told her that I had asked the Jews to spare her because she was an angel, and one of them had commented, bitterly and without irony, that the incredible thing about life is that devils can engender angels. There was no way I could disagree with that.

©2009 by Maceias Nunes; translation ©2009 by Cliff Landers

Shining Rock

by Blake Crouch

Blake Crouch makes his EQMM debut this month but he’s already created a buzz with his two mystery novels, Desert Places and Locked Doors (St. Martin’s). Reviewers hailed him as a new writer to watch, and in 2005 a Rocky Mountain News readers’ poll named him the top suspense writer in Colorado. Mr. Crouch now lives in the San Juan Mountains of southwestern Colorado, but he was born in North Carolina. Fellow Carolinian author Pat Conroy calls his work a “whacked out combination of Stephen King and Cormac McCarthy“.

* * * *

I they’d been coming to the southern Appalachians for more than a decade, and always in that first week of August, eager to escape the Midwestern midsummer heat. Last year, it had been the entire family — Roger, Sue, Jennifer, and Michelle — but the twins were sophomores at a college in Iowa now, immersed in boyfriends, the prospect of grad school, summer internships, slowly drifting out of their parents’ gravitational field into orbits of their own making. So for the first time, it was just Roger and Sue and a Range Rover filled with backpacking gear heading south through Indiana, Kentucky, the northeast wedge of Tennessee, and finally up into the highlands of North Carolina.

They spent the night in Asheville at the Grove Park Inn, had dinner on the hotel’s Sunset Terrace, watching the lights of the downtown fade up through the humid dark.

At first light, they took the Blue Ridge Parkway south into the Pisgah Ranger District, the road winding through primeval forests, green valleys, past rock faces slicked with water that shimmered in early sun. Their ears popped as the road climbed and neither spoke of how empty the car felt.

By late morning, they were pack-laden, sunscreen-slathered, and cursing as they hiked up into Shining Rock Wilderness on a bitch of a path called the Old Butt Trail. Roger let Sue lead, enjoying the view of her muscled thighs and calves already pinked with high-altitude sun, glistening with perspiration. He kept imagining footsteps behind him, glancing back every mile or so, half expecting to see Jennifer and Michelle bringing up the rear.

They crested Chestnut Ridge in the early afternoon, saw that the sky looked cancerous in the west, a bank of tumor-black clouds rolling toward them, the air reeking of that attic mustiness that heralds the approach of rain. They broke out the rain gear. The pack flies. Huddled together in a grove of rhododendron as the storm swept over them, thunder cracking so loud and close that it shook the ground beneath their boots.

They reached Shangri-La a few hours shy of dusk. Sue had named it on their first trip here, thirteen years ago, having taken the wrong trail and accidentally stumbled upon this highland paradise. The maps called it Beech Spring Gap, a stretch of grassy meadows at 5,500 feet, just below the micaceous outcroppings of Shining Rock Mountain. Even the hottest summer afternoons rarely saw temperatures exceed eighty degrees. The nights were always cool and often clear, with the lights of Asheville twinkling forty miles to the north. Best of all, Beech Spring Gap was largely untraveled. They’d spent a week here four years ago and never seen a soul.

By 8:30, they were in their sleeping bags, listening to a gentle rain pattering on the tent.

’Night girls, Roger thought. It would be easy to fall asleep tonight. Too easy. He used to stay up listening to the twins talking and laughing. Their tent would have been twenty yards away in a glade of its own, and he’d have given anything to hear their voices in the dark.

The next two days transpired like mirrors of each other.

Warm, bright mornings. Storms in the afternoon. Cool, clear evenings.

Roger and Sue passed the time lying in the grass, reading books, watching clouds, flying a kite off the nearby peak.

The emptiness seemed to abate, and they even laughed some.

Their fourth day in Shining Rock, as the evening cooled and the light began to wane, Roger suggested to his wife that she take a walk through the meadow with a book, find a spot to read for a half-hour or so before the light went bad.

“Why do you want me out of camp all of a sudden?” she asked. “You up to something?”

When Sue returned forty minutes later, a red-and-white checkered picnic blanket lay spread out in the grass a little way from their tent. Roger was opening a bottle of wine, and upon two dinner plates rested a bed of steaming pasta. There was a baguette, a block of gruyere, even two of their crystal wineglasses from home and a pair of brass candlesticks, flames motionless in the evening calm.

“You brought all this from home?” she asked. “That’s why your pack was so heavy.”

“I’m just glad the crystal didn’t break when I fell climbing up the Old Butt.”

Roger stood, offered his arm, helped Sue down onto the picnic blanket.

“A little wine?”

“God, yes. Honey, this is amazing.”

He didn’t know if it was the elevation or the novelty of eating food that hadn’t been freeze-dried, but the noodles and tomato sauce and bread and cheese tasted better than anything Roger had eaten in years. It didn’t take long for the wine to set in behind his eyes, and he looked down at the mountains through a haze of intoxication, watching the light sour, bronzing the woods a thousand feet below. It was the first time in a long while that things had felt right, and Sue must have sensed it, because she said, “You look peaceful, Roge.”

It was so quiet he could hear the purr of the river flowing down in the gorge.

Sue set her plate aside and scooted over on the blanket.

“Is it the girls?” she asked. “That what’s been bothering you?”

He reached his arm around her, pulled her in close.

“Let’s just think about right now,” he said. “In this moment, I’m happy and—”

“Evening, folks.”

Roger unhanded his wife and rolled over on the picnic blanket to see who was there.

A stocky man with wavy gray hair and a white-stubbled chin smiled down at them through reflective sunglasses. He wore well-scuffed hiking boots, tight blue shorts, and a frayed gray vest, bulging with an assortment of supplies. His chest hair was white, skin freckled and deeply tanned. Roger estimated him to be ten years their senior.

“Hope I’m not interrupting. I’m camped up in the rhododendron thicket and was just on a stroll through the meadow when I saw your tent. Wow, crystal wineglasses. You guys went all out.”

“We just finished eating,” Sue said, “but there are leftovers if—”

“Oh, I’ve got my dinner simmering back at camp, but maybe you two would be interested in a card game later?”

“Sounds lovely,” Sue said.

“Then I’ll come back in two hours. I’m Donald, by the way.”

“Sue.”

“I’m Roger.”

“Good to meet you both.”

Roger watched Donald march off across the meadow toward the rhododendron thicket at the base of Shining Rock Mountain, and didn’t realize he was scowling until his wife said, “Oh come on, Roge, you antisocial party-poop. It’ll be fun.”

No campfires are permitted within the boundary of Shining Rock Wilderness, but the moon would be up soon. Roger and Sue relit the candles for ambience and sat on the picnic blanket, waiting on their guest, watching for the flare of meteors in the southern sky.

Roger never heard his footsteps. Donald was suddenly just standing there at the edge of the red-and-white checkered blanket, grinning.

“Lovely night,” he said.

“We were just sitting here, looking for shooting stars,” Sue said.

“May I?”

“Please.”

Donald set some items in the grass and knelt to unlace his boots, stepping at last in wooly sockfeet onto the blanket, easing down across from Roger and Sue.

“I brought playing cards, an UNO deck, whatever your pleasure, and some not too shabby scotch.”

“Now we’re talking,” Roger said as Donald handed him the bottle. “Ooh... twenty-one-year Macallan?”

“Roge and I have become scotch aficionados since a trip to Scotland last year.”

Donald said, “Nothing like a good single-malt in the back country on a quiet night.”

Roger uncorked the Macallan, offered the bottle to Sue.

“I’ll drink to that.” She brought it to her lips, let a small mouthful slide down her throat. “Oh my God. Tastes more like a fifty-year.”

“Everything tastes better on the mountain,” Donald said.

Sue passed the bottle to her husband. “So how many nights have you been up here?”

“My second.”

“You’ve been here before?”

Roger wiped his mouth. “Goddamn that’s smooth.”

“Actually, this is my first trip to Shining Rock.” Donald took the scotch from Roger and after a long, deliberate swallow, looked at the bottle a moment before passing it back to Sue. “I usually do my camping up in northern Minnesota, but figured these southern highlands would be worth the drive.”

“Where’s home?” Roger asked.

“St. Paul.”

Roger and Sue glanced at each other, smiled.

“What? No, don’t tell me the pair of you are Minnesotans.” He drew out the o in stereotypical Midwestern fashion, and they all laughed.

“Eden Prairie, as a matter of fact,” Sue said.

“You could make a strong case for us being neighbors,” Donald said and he looked at Roger. “What are the chances?”

Midway through his second hand of UNO, Roger realized he’d gotten himself drunk — not a sick, topsy-turvy binge, but a tired, pleasant glow. He hadn’t meant to, but the scotch was so smooth. Even Sue had let it get away from her. She was laughing louder and with greater frequency, and she kept grabbing his arm and pretending to steal glances at the twenty-plus cards in his hand.

Sue finally threw down her last card and fell over laughing on the blanket.

“Two in a row,” Donald said. “Impressive.”

He pulled out the cork and took a slow pull of scotch, then offered the bottle to Roger.

“Oh Don, I think I’m done for the night.”

“Come on.”

“No, I’m good.”

“One more. Bad luck to skip a nightcap.”

Roger felt the twinge of something in his gut he thought forty-eight-year-old men were impervious to. He took the bottle and drank and passed it back to Donald.

Sue sat up. “Say, I meant to ask why you had a machete lashed to your back?”

Donald smiled. “Sometimes I like to get off-trail, do a little bushwhacking. I did a few tours in Vietnam, and let me tell you, that was the only way to travel upcountry.”

“What branch of the military?” Roger asked.

“Green Berets.”

“Wow. Saw some shit, huh?”

“You could definitely say that.”

Donald suddenly tilted to one side and squelched out a noisy fart, then chuckled, “Damn mountain frogs.”

Roger thinking, Well he’s definitely a little drunk.

Donald corked the scotch, said, “You have children?”

“Twin girls,” Sue said.

“No kidding. How old?”

“They’ll turn twenty next month. They’re in college at Iowa. Michelle wants to be a writer. Jennifer, the more practical of the two, is pre-law.”

“How nice.”

“Yeah, this trip has been a sea change for Roger and me. Our family’s been coming to Shining Rock, God, forever, but this is the first time it’s just the two of us.”

“Empty nesters.”

“How about you, Don? Any kids?”

Donald bit down softly on his bottom lip and looked away from Roger and Sue at the moon edging up behind the black mass of Cold Mountain.

“I didn’t pick twenty-one-year-old scotch to share with you two on a whim. This whiskey,” he swirled what liquid remained in the bottle, “was put into an oak barrel to begin aging the year my little girl was born.”

He pulled out the cork, tilted up the bottle.

Sue said, “Is she in school somewhere or—”

“No, she’s dead.”

Sue gasped, and through the gale in his head, Roger sensed something attempting to piece itself together.

“I’m so sorry,” Sue said.

“Yeah.” Donald nodding.

“What happened, if it’s not too—”

“She’ll have been gone six years this coming fall.”

“She was sixteen when...”

“Yeah.”

Roger reached for the scotch and Donald let him take it.

The bottom edge of the moon had cleared the summit ridge of Cold Mountain, and somewhere in the meadows of Beech Spring Gap, a bird chirped.

“Was it a car wreck?” Sue asked.

“Tab was a cross-country runner in high school. Captain of her team when she was only a sophomore. Very devoted, disciplined runner. It was just a thing of beauty to watch her run. She made the state championship her freshman year.”

Roger noticed Donald’s hands trembling.

His were, too.

“Morning of October third, I was on my way to work when I came to a roadblock about a mile from our house. There were police cars, a fire truck, ambulances. I’d heard the sirens while I was getting dressed but didn’t think anything of it.

“I was swearing up a storm ‘cause I was late for a meeting and getting ready to do a U-turn, find an alternate route, when one of the EMTs stepped out of the way. Even from fifty yards back, I recognized Tabitha’s blue shorts, orange running shoes, her legs.

“Next thing I remember was throwing up on the side of the road. They say I broke through the barrier, that it took two firemen and four cops to drag me away from her body. I don’t remember seeing her broken skull. Or the blood. Just her legs, orange shoes, and blue running shorts, from fifty yards back in my car.”

Sue leaned across the blanket and draped her arms around Donald’s neck.

Roger heard her whisper, “I’m so sorry,” but Donald didn’t return the embrace, just stared at him instead.

Sue pulled back, said, “Someone had hit her.”

“Yeah. But whoever did was gone by the time the police arrived.”

“No.”

“This occurred in a residential area, and in one of the nearby houses, someone had happened to look out a window, see a man standing in the street over my daughter. But he was gone when the police showed up.”

“A hit-and-run.”

“Yeah.”

“Oh my God. What about your wife? What—”

“We separated four years ago.”

Roger couldn’t look at him, turned instead to the summer moon, nearly full, and as large and white as he would ever see it, the Ocean of Storms clearly visible as a gray blemish two hundred thousand miles away.

Donald said, “Sometimes I can talk about it without ripping the stitches, but not tonight, I guess. I better go.” He got to his feet, leaving the scotch and cards on the blanket, and walked off into the dark.

They were lying in their sleeping bags in the tent when Roger leaned over and whispered in Sue’s ear, “We have to leave right now.”

“I was almost asleep, Roge, what are you—”

“Just listen.” The whites of her eyes appeared in the dark. “I want you to quietly get dressed, put your boots on. We’ll leave everything here, just take our wallets and keys.”

“Why?”

“Donald’s planning to kill us tonight.”

Sue sat up in her sleeping bag and pushed her brown hair out of her face. “This isn’t funny, Roger. Not even a little—”

“Do I sound like I’m joking?”

“Why are you saying this? ‘Cause he walks around with a machete and was in Vietnam and...” Sue covered her mouth. “Oh, Roger, no. Oh God, please tell me...” Sue turned away from him and buried her face in her sleeping bag.

Roger lay beside her, whispering in her ear.

“I was late for a meeting downtown. I turned a corner on Oak Street and the coffee spilled between my legs, burned me. I swerved, and when I looked up...

“At first, I just sat stunned behind the wheel, like I could will the moment away, press UNDO on the keyboard. I got out and saw her on the pavement, half under the front bumper. I looked around. No other cars coming. No one else in the vicinity. Just a quiet Thursday morning, the trees turning, wet red leaves on the street. I thought about you, about Jennifer and Michelle, all the things that could be taken from me because of one stupid lapse in concentration, and the next thing I knew I was on I-94.”

Sue was crying. “That’s why you sold the Lexus. Why you moved us to Eden Prairie. How’d you keep this from me, Roger? How did you—”

“Live with myself? I don’t know. I still don’t know.”

“Are you sure it’s him? That Donald’s the father of the girl you hit?”

“This thing happened in early October. Almost six years ago. In St. Paul.”

“But what if it’s just a horrible coinci—”

“I still dream about the orange shoes and blue shorts, Sue.”

“Oh God, baby.” She turned over and pulled her husband down onto her chest, ran her fingernails across the back of his neck. “What do you think he’s gonna try to do to us?”

“I don’t know, but he didn’t come all this way, follow us up into the middle of nowhere just to talk.”

“So we just leave? Right now?”

“Yes.”

“Can you get us back to the trailhead in the dark?”

“I think so. If not, we’ll just hide somewhere until morning. What’s important is getting out of this tent and away from our camp as soon as possible.”

“But he must know where we live, Roger.” Sue sat up, faced her husband. “He was able to find out we were coming to North Carolina. What keeps him from doing this when we get back to Minnesota? Or from turning you in?”

“I don’t think this is about bringing me to justice in any legal sense of the word.”

“We can’t just run away, Roger.”

“Sure we can. And we will.”

“He might know where our girls live. Might decide to go after them. We have no idea what he’s capable of.”

“So what are we supposed—”

“You wanna be free of this?”

“Of course.”

“Have it never come back to haunt you as long as you live? Guarantee the safety of me and the girls? Your own freedom?”

For a moment, there was no sound but the weeds brushing against the exterior of the tent.

“Jesus, Sue. I don’t have that in me.”

“Well, you had it in you to leave a teenage girl dying in the street. Now if that man came into this wilderness to murder us, he probably went out of his way to make sure no one knew he was coming here, which works out perfectly for us.”

He heard his wife moving in the darkness, the separating teeth of a zipper.

The leather case dropped in his lap.

“You have to take the bullets out,” she whispered. “Wipe them down so they don’t have our prints. You probably won’t be able to find the shell casings in the dark.”

“Sue, I can’t.”

“You’re gonna make me handle this? Look, it breaks my heart that that man lost his daughter, and it makes me sick that it’s your fault, but I will not live the rest of my life in fear, looking over my shoulder, calling Jennifer and Michelle five times a day to make sure they’re okay. That morning, when you drove away, you decided you weren’t gonna let a mistake you made destroy our lives. Well, it’s too late to change course now.”

“I am telling you I can’t—”

“You don’t have a choice. This night’s been coming ever since that October morning. You started this six years ago. Now go finish it.”

He left Sue lying in the tall grass several hundred feet down the mountainside and headed back up toward the meadows of Beech Spring Gap carrying a flashlight he didn’t need under the blazing wattage of the moon.

He reached the gap, moved past their tent and along the trail that led to Shining Rock Mountain, the base of which stood cloaked in thickets of rhododendron that bloomed pink in the month of June.

On a walk that morning, a thousand years ago, he’d noticed a piece of red tucked back among the glossy green leaves, and wondered now if that had been Donald’s tent.

He walked off the trail and crouched down in the grass. Five yards ahead lay the edge of the rhododendron thicket. Roger thought he recalled that piece of red being a hundred feet or so up the gentle slope, though he couldn’t be sure.

For a while, he lay on the ground, just listening.

The grass swayed, blades banging dryly against one another.

Rhododendron leaves scraped together.

Something scampered through the thicket.

This was his thirteenth summer coming to Shining Rock, and he found that most of their time here had vanished completely from memory — more impression than detail. But a few of their trips remained clear, intact.

The first time they’d come and accidentally discovered this place, the twins were only six years old, and Michelle had lost her front teeth to this gap while she and Jennifer wrestled and rolled in a meadow one sunny afternoon, and cried her heart out, afraid the tooth fairy wouldn’t pay for lost teeth.

There had been the trip seven years ago, when he and Sue had to fake happy faces for the girls, crying at night in their tent, while fifteen hundred miles away, in a laboratory in Minneapolis, a tumor cut from the underside of Sue’s left breast was screened for a cancer that wasn’t there.

Three years back, he’d been anxiously awaiting news on an advertising campaign he’d pitched, which, if chosen, might have netted him half a million dollars. He remembered trying not to dwell on the phone call he’d make once they left these mountains, knowing if he got a yes, what that would mean for his family. He’d pulled over once they reentered cell-phone coverage at an overlook outside of Asheville. Walked back toward the car a moment later, eyes locked with Sue’s, shaking his head.

But looking at the time they’d spent here as a whole, forest instead of tree, it felt a lot like his life — so many good times, some pain, and it had all raced by faster than he could’ve imagined.

Roger crawled to the thicket’s edge and started up the hill, the flashlight and the Glock shoved down the back of his fleece pants.

After five minutes, he stopped to catch his breath.

He thought he’d been making a horrible racket, dead leaves crunching under his elbows as he wriggled himself under the low branches of the rhododendron shrubs. But he assured himself it wasn’t as much noise as he thought. To anyone else, to Donald, it probably sounded like nothing more than the after-hour scavenging of a raccoon.

Roger was breathing normally again and had rolled over on his stomach to continue crawling when he spotted the outline of a tent twenty yards uphill. The moon shone upon the rain fly, and in the lunar light he could only tell that it was dark in color.

He pulled the gun out of his waistband.

His chest felt tight, and he had to take several deep breaths to make the lightheadedness dissolve.

Then he was crawling again, though much slower now, taking care to avoid patches of dead leaves and low-clearance branches that might drag across his jacket.

The tent stood just ahead, a one-man A-frame. He was still hidden in shadow, but another few feet and he’d emerge from the cover of darkness into the moonlit glade.

Roger lay beside the tent and held his breath, listening for deep breathing indicative of Donald sleeping, if in fact this was even the man’s tent. He didn’t know how long he lay there. Two minutes. A quarter of an hour. Whichever it was, it felt like ages elapsed, and he still hadn’t heard a sound from inside.

Maybe Donald wasn’t in there. Maybe he’d already found a spot to hide and watch their tent. Maybe he was a silent sleeper. Maybe he’d heard Roger crawling toward him through the rhododendron and was sitting up right—

“That you out there, Roger?”

Roger jumped up and scrambled back toward the thicket.

He stopped at the edge of the glade, his gun trained on the tent, trembling in his hand.

“Would you tell me something?” Donald asked. “Was she alive right after you hit her? She was dead when the paramedics arrived.”

Roger had to wet the roof of his mouth with his tongue so he could speak.

“She was gone instantly,” he lied.

“You didn’t tell your wife, did you?”

“No.”

“She seemed surprised. Does she know you came over here? Did you discuss it with her after I left? Tell her what you’d done?”

“What were you going to do to us?”

“Not a thing.”

“I don’t believe that. How’d you find me?”

“When the police gave up, I spent thousands of dollars on a P.I. who located and investigated everyone who owned a silver Lexus in the St. Paul area. I’ve had conversations like I had with you and Sue tonight with a half-dozen other people I suspected, feeling them out, gauging their reactions.”

“You didn’t know for sure it was me?”

“Not until this moment, Roger. Not until you crept up to my tent at one in the morning with what I imagine is that Glock, registered to Sue. That pretty much convinces me.”

“Do you have a gun in there?”

“No.”

Roger glanced over his shoulder into the thicket, then back toward the tent. There was a part of him dying to just slink away.

“What do you want, Donald?”

“I already got it.”

“What?” Roger could hear Donald moving around in the tent.

“The truth.”

“So that’s it? We just go our separate ways, pretend this night never happened.”

“No, it happened. But it doesn’t have to end like I suspect it will.”

“How does this end, Donald?”

“Are you asking if I’m going to turn you in?”

“Are you?”

“What would you do? If I’d hit Jennifer or Michelle, spread their brains all over the pavement?”

“Are you threat—”

“No, I’m asking you, father to father, if you knew who the man was who’d killed your daughter, what would you do?”

“I’d want to kill—”

“Not want. What would you do?”

“I don’t know. What do you want to do?”

“Beat you to death with my bare hands. That’s what I want to do. Not what I will do.”

Roger stood up, took six steps toward the tent.

Donald said, “Roger? Where are you?”

“Right here, Donald.”

“You’re closer.”

“Listen to me,” Roger said. “I want you to know that I am so sorry. And I know it doesn’t do a goddamn thing to bring Tabitha back, but it’s the truth. I was just so scared. You understand?”

“Thank you, Roger.”

“For what?”

“Saying her name.”

Roger fired six times into the tent.

His ears ringing, gunshots still reverberating off the mountains, he said, “Donald?”

There was no answer, only wet breathing.

He went to the tent door and unzipped it and took out his flashlight and shined it inside.

Donald lay on his back, the only visible wound a hole under his left eye, and the blood looked like oil running out of it.

Roger moved the flashlight around, searching for a gun in Donald’s hand, something to mitigate what he’d done, but the only thing Donald clutched was a framed photograph of an auburn-haired teenager with a braces smile.

Three days later, seated at the same table they’d occupied a week before at the Grove Park Inn’s Sunset Terrace, they watched the waiter place their entrees before them and top off their wineglasses from a bottle of pinot noir.

The August night was cool, even here in the city, like maybe summer would end after all.

Near the bar, a tuxedoed man was at a Steinway playing Mozart, one of his beautiful concertos.

“How’s your filet?” Sue asked.

“It’s perfect. Yours?”

“I could eat this every day.”

Roger forced a smile and took a big sip of wine.

They ate in silence.

After a while, Sue said, “Roger?”

“Yes, honey?”

“We did it right, yeah?”

It annoyed him that she would bring it up over dinner, but he was well on his way toward inebriation, a nice buffer swelling between himself and all that had come before.

“I don’t know how we could’ve been more thorough,” he said.

“I keep thinking we should’ve moved his car.”

“That would’ve been just another opportunity for us to leave evidence. Skin cells, sweat, hair, fibers of our clothing, prints. I thought it through, Sue.”

She reached across the table and took his hand, the karat diamond he’d given her twenty-four years ago sending out a thousand slivered facets of candlelight.

“Above all, it was for the girls. Their safety,” she said.

“Yeah. For the girls.”

The scent of a good cigar swept past.

“You’ll be able to go on all right?” Sue asked. “With what... what you had to do?”

Roger was cutting into his steak, and he kept cutting, didn’t meet her eyes as he answered, “I’ve had practice, right?”

It was early October when it occurred to one of the forest rangers of the Pisgah district that the black Buick Regal with a Minnesota license plate, parked near the restrooms of the Big East Fork trailhead, had been there for a long damn time, which was particularly strange considering no one had been reported missing in the area.

Over several days, the sheriff of Haywood County spoke briefly with two estranged, living relatives and an ex-wife in Duluth, none of whom had been in contact with Donald Kennington in over a year, all of whom said he’d been on a downward spiral since his daughter’s death, that it had ruined him in every way imaginable, that he’d probably gone up into the mountains to die.

A deputy found it in the glove box — a handwritten note folded between the vehicle’s owner’s manual and a laminated map of Minnesota.

He read it aloud to the sheriff, the two of them sitting in the front seat as raindrops splattered on a windshield nearly pasted over with the violent red leaves of an oak tree that overhung the parking lot.

My name is Donald Kennington. Please forward this message to Arthur Holland, detective with the St. Paul Police Department.

The death of my daughter, Tabitha Kennington, brings me to these mountains. I am writing this in my car on August 5th, having followed Roger and Susan Cockrell, of Eden Prairie, Minnesota, to Beech Spring Gap. I have taken their photographs with a digital camera, along with pictures of their green Range Rover and license plate. You will find my camera containing these pictures in the trunk of my car.

At this moment, I do not know if Mr. Cockrell was responsible for killing my daughter in a hit-and-run six years ago. I plan to meet the Cockrells tonight and find out. To be clear, I intend no physical harm to Mr. Cockrell or his wife. If Mr. Cockrell is responsible, however, we will see if I’m so lucky. Does a man who runs down a young woman and leaves the scene contain it within him to murder in cold blood in order to hide his crime and his shame?

I suspect he does.

The Cockrells will be thorough in disposing of my body, tent, backpack, etc., which makes this last bit of business a little tricky.

My camp is in a small glade in the rhododendron thicket on the east slope of Shining Rock Mountain, approximately a hundred vertical feet above the meadows of Beech Spring Gap. The glade is twenty yards across, with a large boulder in the middle. Look for a flat, shiny rock in the grass. My tent now stands over it, and I’ve made a tiny rip in the tent floor and dug a small, shallow hole in the ground under the rock.

Tonight, if Mr. Cockrell admits his guilt, into this hole, sealed and safe in plastic, I will drop a tape recorder, and hopefully rebury it before he murders me.

©2009 by Blake Crouch

667, Evil and Then Some

by Marilyn Todd

A Shamus Award nominee for her 2007 EQMM story “Room for Improvement,” about a female P.I. in 1950s London, Marilyn Todd returns, in this issue, in a much more fanciful mood. Fans of her series of novels set in Ancient Greece won’t want to miss Blood Moon, the follow-up to 2007’s Blind Eye, which is scheduled for April 2009 release from Severn House. In it, High Priestess Iliona is called on by the Spartan secret police to find out why three people were killed during a diplomatic visit.

* * * *

The devil went down to Georgia. Everybody knows this, because Charlie Daniels wrote a song about how he was looking for a soul to steal and was in a bind, ‘cause he was way behind, and was willin’ to make a deal. Obviously, there’s poetic licence here. Hell, as you’d expect, is not exactly short of applicants, all of whom are processed with commendable speed and efficiency. Nor do we make deals.

What was true, though, was that when the devil came upon that boy playing on a fiddle and playin’ it hot, he did jump up on a hickory stump and say, “Boy let me tell you what: I bet you didn’t know it but I’m a fiddle player too, and if you care to take a dare, I’ll make a bet with you. I’ll bet a fiddle of gold against your soul, ‘cause I think I’m better than you.”

Or words to that effect, the devil not really being one for poetry, whereas Mr. Daniels probably needed it to rhyme. But the point I’m making is that the president does like to get out of the office every once in a while, see how the world of sin is shaping up. Which is pretty nicely, as it happens, but when he’s gone, Hell doesn’t run itself. So while he and this Johnny character were taking bets, souls versus fiddles and all that, it was noses to the grindstone for the rest of us.

Leastways, it should have been.

Was it Georgia, specifically, which always gets as hot as Hell in August? Or pure bad luck that the minute the competition started, the pitchfork sharpeners went on strike? In no time, the brimstone workers had walked out in support, with the stokers of the hellfires downing pokers in sympathy. I felt beads of sweat trickle down my horns. As the president’s right-hand demon, it was my job to relay status via his personal hotline and I wasn’t looking forward to that, I really wasn’t. He tended to have what I suppose you’d call mood swings when it came to bad news. Messengers rarely volunteered for the job. In the end, of course, it was immaterial. The weather forecast showed that it was a rainy night in Georgia. I couldn’t make a connection.

“Don’t worry about the strikers.” The head of Inhuman Resources patted my shoulder reassuringly. “I used to teach kindergarten, so I’m well used to tantrums,” he breezed. “I’m off to start negotiations straightaway.”

“Good, because it would have put the Old Man right off his playing,” I said, remembering how very attached he was to that golden fiddle of his. And quite honestly, I had enough problems to contend with without my boss venting his spleen.

The thing is, you see, before he left, he’d tasked me with conducting a feasibility study into the future of Hell.

“After all, if the universe is expanding,” he’d argued, “we need to know what’s going to happen to us.”

He was big on economic forecasts, was the president, and like any major corporation, tended to invest heavily in research, development, and marketing. Once, he set me writing slogans in his absence and I thought that was a pretty tough assignment.

The devil’s in the details, that was one of mine.

Hell to pay, another.

Damned if I know, probably the best.

But slogans, I quickly discovered, were a piece of cake compared to feasibility studies. I mean, where do you start? After kicking at the edges for a while, I eventually pressed the button in the elevator for three thousand floors down to the Finance Department, where every thumbscrew, prod, and drop of boiling oil has to be accounted for. Exactly. If taxation is hell, then Hell itself is truly taxing. But thankfully, between Accounts and the Admissions Office, I managed to gather enough statistics to fill a football stadium. And having waded through them, began to see a problem.

“Dr. Faust.” The nasal voice of the tannoy echoed through the sulphur. “Dr. Faust to ER immediately. Dr. Faust to ER.”

Another emergency in Eternal Retribution, then? Any other time I’d have been curious to see what was so urgent that it needed to drag the good doctor away from the golf course. Someone else selling their soul to the devil, and starting a fight because they couldn’t get a discount? Or was the Irritating Ringtone Punishment Squad failing to get a signal again? Whatever the crisis, though, I decided it wasn’t my problem. What I’d discovered, on the other hand, was. And it was big...

“Dr. Lecter,” boomed the disembodied tannoy. “Dr. Lecter to the canteen, please.”

Poor old Hannibal. Ever since he’d been appointed Director of Pain and Misery, he kept forgetting lunch, and another time I’d have made some wisecrack as he hopped into the elevator about taking his work home with him. That day, though, I had weightier issues on my mind, and even when I got the spiky bit of my tail caught in the doors, I barely noticed the bruise.

“Good news, good news!” The head of Inhuman Resources was grinning as he rounded the corner. “Arbitration’s going swimmingly. With luck, the strikes will be over before the president returns.”

I wished I could have returned his smile, or even confided my suspicions, but for the moment, I held back. I had to be sure — I mean really sure — of my findings.

Meanwhile, up in the foothills of the Appalachians, the devil opened up his case and he said, “I’ll start this show.” And fire flew from his fingertips as he rosined up his bow.

Soon, though, it would be Johnny’s turn to play.

I was running out of time.

“Boyle’s law?” My friend Stanley looked up from where he was updating the Liars, Cheats, and Swearers database, and frowned. “Since when have you been interested in thermodynamics?”

“I’m not,” I said, crossing my fingers in the hope that my name wasn’t about to be added to the register. “Learning the twenty-three laws of gases is a new punishment being introduced for those who didn’t eat their greens.”

Stanley used to be in secondhand car sales, so he didn’t query my explanation. Instead, he reached for a piece of paper and wrote PV = k on it in thick red ink.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“Boyle’s law.”

I must have looked as stupid as I felt, because he pointed with his trident.

“P denotes the pressure, V is the volume of the gas, and k is a constant value representative of the pressure and volume of the system,” he explained. “So long as temperature remains constant at the same value, the same amount of energy given to the system persists throughout its operation and therefore, theoretically, the value of k will remain constant.”

I was hoping he’d give me a moment to take this in, preferably ten years. But, just as if he was selling a ten-year-old Chevrolet with dodgy brakes and leaking radiator, Stan was in his stride.

“Due to the derivation of pressure as perpendicular applied force and the probabilistic likelihood of collisions with other particles through collision theory,” he said, “the application of force to a surface may not be infinitely constant for such values of k, but will have a limit when differentiating such values over a given time. Forcing the volume V of the fixed quantity of gas to increase, keeping the gas at the initially measured temperature, the pressure P must decrease proportionally. Conversely, reducing the volume of the gas increases the pressure, got it?”

“Got it.”

Like you, I hadn’t the faintest idea what he was talking about. In fact, it was only later that I discovered he’d brought up the Wikipedia article on his computer and was quoting it verbatim. Seems you can’t trust anyone these days.

“You can also tell those cabbage-haters that Boyle’s law predicts the result of introducing a change in volume and pressure to the initial state of a fixed quantity of gas. The ‘before’ and ‘after’ volumes and pressures of the fixed amount of gas, where the ‘before’ and ‘after’ temperatures are the same (heating or cooling will be required to meet this condition), are related by this equation here.”

My heart sank. Another piece of paper. Another red equation.

p1 V1 = p2 V2

I nodded knowingly, thanked him for his time, and then, once I got back to my desk, cried my eyes out. Physics and feasibility? I was doomed.

“Boyle’s law?”

Of all the help in all of Hell, the last place I expected to find it was from my pedicurist. Don’t get me wrong. Suzie does a great job, buffing, polishing, and getting a really even cleft between my hoofs. In fact, it was I who suggested she put the “love” in “cloven” in her advertisemens, and turn the “o” into a heart. Even so, she was the very last person I expected to be familiar with physics.

“Oh, sure, honey.” Buff, buff, polish, polish. “Pythagoras’s theorum, Archimedes’ principle. Ask me anything.”

I hadn’t actually intended asking her one damn thing. I’d simply been grumbling about my problems over a soothing shod-rub to unwind, when suddenly she trots out with that little gem. Amazing. And though the prospect of more horrendous equations filled me with dread, when it comes to fact-finding, there is no such thing as too much information. I braced myself.

“Easy peasy, sugar.” She gave my scales an affectionate ruffle. “Boyle’s law simply states that the volume of a gas increases when the pressure decreases at a constant temperature.”

And there it was. Suddenly boiled down (boyled down?) to something I could understand. Everything I needed in a nutshell.

“Suzie, you’re a star,” I said, hugging her.

“Aw, go on with you,” she said, blushing and pushing me away. All the same, she gave my horns a good hard burnish as a freebie, and when I left, I could really feel them glowing.

I know what you’re thinking.

You’re wondering why, if Hell doesn’t make deals, the devil was cutting one in Georgia. Well, I’ll tell you. Fun. He just went up there to have a look around and enjoy himself, because win or lose, Johnny’s soul was his. It was only ever a question of time, since what people often don’t appreciate is that everybody goes to Hell — and I do mean everybody. You. Me. Murderers, thieves, rapists (obviously), but where do you draw the line? Pickpockets? Exam cheats? People who exceed the speed limit while driving? Yes, you’re probably thinking. There might be a case to be made for those, along with adultery, tax evasion, forgery, and plagiarism. And you probably have a mental image of a panel of judges sitting in the Admissions Office, deciding who comes in and for how long, but you’d only be partially right. Sinners are indeed sorted according to category. But I repeat: Everyone comes in.

Nobody comes out.

Surprises you, does it? It shouldn’t, because in the end it all comes down to religion, many of which proclaim that if you are not a member of theirs, you will go to Hell. And since there are many of these religions, and given that people never belong to more than one, everybody ends up here by default. Factor in projected birth and death rates, and you begin to see that the clientele is increasing in direct proportion. Hence the need for a feasibility study.

But having done the analysis, the conclusion was chilling.

And frankly, it made telling the president about pitchfork sharpeners going on strike look very tame indeed.

You see, this is where Boyle’s law comes in. Once I’d got to grips with Wikipedia, I saw that if you look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, you’ll see that the temperature and pressure can’t stay the same; and the volume has to expand as more souls are added. Which means one of two things will happen.

Either Hell will expand at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter. In which case, the temperature and pressure will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

Or Hell will expand at a faster rate than the rate at which souls enter. In which case, the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

Now who’s going to tell the devil that?

The boy said, “My name’s Johnny and it might be a sin, but I’ll take your bet, you’re gonna regret, ‘cause I’m the best that’s ever been.”

He played: Fire on the mountain, run boys run, devil’s in the house of the rising sun, chickens in the breadpan, picking out dough, Granny does your dog bite? No, child, no.

Hmm, I thought. Fire on the mountain indeed.

Believe me, with what I’d just discovered, I was really starting to sweat.

The devil bowed his head, because he knew that he’d been beat. And he laid that golden fiddle on the ground at Johnny’s feet.

This is a fact. I witnessed it myself.

Johnny said, “Devil, just come on back if you ever wanna try again. I done told you once, you son-of-a-bitch, I’m the best that’s ever been!”

He wasn’t. The devil was just giving him his due, or at least an extension of it. “Sucker,” he chuckled under his breath, and was so busy laughing at his own joke that he failed to notice me.

And really, why should he?

When you leave the Great Underground Car Park, you adopt human form, and the first thing I did when I got back to earth was catch that midnight train to Georgia. You see, at heart I’m a coward. I knew what would happen when I showed the president the results of that feasibility study, and I didn’t fancy being toasted over fire while having my liver ripped out as rats gnawed at my vitals. Not eighteen times a day for all eternity. No way.

On the other hand, I couldn’t fudge the results, either.

So there was only one thing left to do.

I had to kill the devil.

Despite what you might think, murder isn’t easy. Not that I haven’t picked up a few tips over the millennia, of course. The Borgias had enough poison recipes to fill a cookery book. Ghengis Khan was never short of ideas, either. Plus there was always Torquemada’s bestseller to dip into, Ink and Inquisition, if I got stuck. But this is the devil we’re talking about, and whilst silver bullets work for vampires, the president was bulletproof, and there was no heart to drive a stake into.

I resorted to the age-old tried-and-tested never-fails routine. My good friend, the peanut allergy. And since the devil has no soul, he won’t be going back to Hell, and neither, for that matter, will I. No, sir. Not with that prognosis!

And in case you’re wondering who I am, look up. Now whose is the first face that you see...?

Fire on the mountain, run boys run, devil’s in the house of the rising sun. Chickens in the breadpan, picking out dough. Granny does your dog bite? No, child, no.

Cerberus, the three-headed hound who guards the gates of Hell, does tend to whine a bit, mind you. But that’s only because he’s missing his master, and no doubt once Hannibal takes over, he’ll settle down again.

©2009 by Marilyn Todd

For the Jingle

by Jack Fredrickson

Jack Fredrickson’s fiction debut, “The Brick Thing,” was in our Department of First Stories in 2002. He has since had two novels published by St. Martin’s Press, to rave reviews: 2007’s A Safe Place for Dying (which was also nominated for the Private Eye Writers of America’s Shamus Award) and 2009’s Honestly Dearest, You’re Dead. Both books feature the private eye protagonist of this new story, Dek Elstrom, whom PW calls “an appealing combination of bloodhound and bulldog.”

* * * *

The secretary telephoning could have been French. “Hold please, for Mr. Ruffino.” She pronounced it roof-eeno, instead of rough-eeno, as truth demanded.

Before I could laugh, the lawyer was on the line, saying, “Dek Elstrom!” like we could stand each other.

“You handling zoning cases in Paris, Harry?”

He chuckled with the sincerity of a siding salesman. “I’ve moved downtown, in Chicago. Only big-buck zonings now. How about you?”

“I continue to bask in Rivertown.”

“In that castle?”

“Turret, Harry; there’s just the one turret. And yeah, I’m still here. Because I might never be able to sell it. Because you couldn’t get my zoning changed.”

“It takes money to fight city hall.”

“A privately owned structure, zoned as a municipal building? That should have been a slam-dunk for you.”

“Don’t blame me; blame your aunt. She’s the one cut the deal with the city.”

“Why are you calling, Harry?”

“I got a job for you. Come to my office this afternoon.”

“Let’s discuss it on the phone. Save gas.”

“I’ll pay you five hundred dollars.”

“Up front, today?”

He sighed, and gave me an address far enough north of the expressway to be impressive. Harry Ruffino had indeed crawled downtown.

I told him I’d be there at two.

Harry’s building was tall, and had views of the Chicago River and Lake Michigan. Harry’s office, though, didn’t. It was buried in an interior corridor next to a door marked “Maintenance.” Still, the secretary — she of the French accent — who ushered me into his private office had red hair, a South Side strut, and an amazing decolletage. I supposed that was enough view for Harry until the huge money rolled in.

He sat behind a mahogany desk. He wore a conservative pinstriped suit that was considerably less shiny than the last one I’d seen him wearing. He’d toned down his shirt, too. Today’s was a respectable white, with no hint of a geometric pattern. But amid the careful, muted stripes and soft white broadcloth lay an iridescent purple necktie that sparkled when he shifted in his chair. He was still the same old Harry.

He got right to it. “I have a client, Albert Petak, in the Rivertown jail.”

I dropped into the black leather chair across from him. “The five hundred, Harry.”

He slid a check across the desk. Written in black ink on heavy, cream-colored paper, it was not the kind of check people got on the Internet, the ones that come with free, misspelled address stickers. I put it in the pocket of my blue blazer.

“Rivertown,” I said. “Naturally you thought of me.”

“I figured it would be efficient, you living there, in that castle—”

“Turret,” I cut in. There was no sense being grand about a stone tube, five stories tall. It was meant to be the corner of a castle, but my grandfather ran out of money and breath before he could get past the one cylinder. “What’s your client been charged with?”

“Small stuff, but it’ll be arson, upped to murder.”

“In Rivertown?”

He nodded.

“The Sherman Stamping Works.” It had been the only big fire recently, collapsing an entire wing of the abandoned old factory and crisping a homeless man. Accelerant had been found. “Is Petak guilty?”

An ordinary lawyer would have put on the mask. Not Harry. He nodded right away. “An eyewitness put him there right before the flames broke out. I want you to talk to him, see if he will give you anything I can use.”

“What’s he telling you?”

“Nothing, other than he’s innocent. That’s why I need you to dig at him.”

“You mean, to show the court you didn’t just sit on your hands.”

“I’m doing what I can.”

“Who’s the eyewitness?”

“A scrapper named Wildcat Ernie, but I’ll handle him at trial. Just talk to Petak, see if you can shake something loose.”

Harry slid open the center drawer of his desk, pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He switched on a small air purifier, lit a cigarette, and blew smoke at the machine. It made him look like an idiot.

“As I said, they’re holding Petak on lesser charges,” he said above the fan. “Criminal trespass, damage to property. But they’re going for murder.”

“Doesn’t sound like your kind of case, Harry.”

He raised his arm, peeled back a cuff so he could pretend to see the time and I could see a pretend gold Rolex. Little was genuine with Harry.

“Go see Albert,” he said, once he was sure I’d had time to admire the timepiece.

And I did, right after I stopped at his bank to cash the check.

The Rivertown jail is in the basement of the police department, which is within spitting distance of city hall. People used to joke that the close proximity was deliberate, so that when reform came, the lizards who’d corrupted the town wouldn’t catch cold perp-walking between city hall and the jail. Nobody in Rivertown joked that way anymore. Nobody believed reform was coming.

I didn’t know the cop at the desk, but I knew his DNA. He had the same last name as the mayor, village clerk, and two of the city’s trustees. He didn’t bother to look up from his soft-porn magazine when he told me to wait in the green cinderblock room down the hall.

Albert Petak came in wearing an orange jumpsuit. I expected that, like I expected the beard stubble and the build-up of oil in his hair. Jail can change a man in a hurry, make him jettison hygiene along with hope. But no way had I figured the missing teeth, nor the eyes that darted around nervously, like a rodent scanning for lunch. Albert Petak didn’t look like somebody who could afford Harry Ruffino.

He sat down at the brown-grained, plastic table and played those nervous eyes across my face.

“Harry Ruffino asked me to look into your case.”

“You a private investigator?” His voice had a twang, Deep South.

“I nose around sometimes. I’m not licensed.”

His eyes left my face, started looking at the baseboards. “They got rats here.”

“What can you tell me?”

“I didn’t figure Ruffino would pop for a professional,” he said, checking the far corner.

“I meant about the stamping-factory fire.”

Petak stood up, went to tap on the door. A cop in the hall opened it almost immediately.

“I need smokes,” he said. “Marlboros.” And then he went out.

I walked outside, took out my cell phone, and called downtown.

“Bonjour,” the Queen of France breathed into my ear.

“Bonjour, mademoiselle. Monsieur Ruffino,s’ il vous plait.” It was all I remembered from high school.

She hesitated just a fraction, then put me through.

“Your man is reticent, all right,” I said when Harry picked up.

“That’s it, then.” He didn’t sound surprised.

“I’ll chase down Wildcat Ernie.”

“You’re done. I’ll try to muddy things up in court.”

“Why Albert Petak, Harry?”

His little smoke vacuum started whirring, and his lighter clicked. “What do you mean?”

“I mean he’s been living under cardboard someplace. Not your kind of client.”

“Sometimes I do pro bono.”

“Admirable, you working for free.”

“Don’t believe all the lawyer jokes.”

“I still owe you a few hours from that five hundred. I’ll look around the factory.”

He exhaled quickly. “Don’t uncover anything that can hurt us.”

I went back inside, asked the sergeant at the desk who was working the stamping-factory fire. This time he looked up. He told me it was an officer named Brockhouse, and that he was in.

Brockhouse was in his mid twenties. He led me to a small room similar to the one where I’d met Petak, except the cinderblocks were beige.

“Albert Petak has been around for a couple of years, doing odd jobs,” he said. “Lately, he’s been scrapping in the stamping factory.”

“Which means many people could have seen him there regularly?”

“Sure,” Brockhouse said, understanding my inference that Petak could have been set up.

“Homeless?”

“Depends. If the scrapping’s good, Petak sleeps at the Health Center. Otherwise, he’s under a viaduct.”

“I thought Rivertown was scrapped out years ago.”

“The copper wire has been gone for years. Same with the aluminum. But scrappers collect all kinds of stuff. I’m hearing now they’re after clinkers, those old dark bricks rich people use to build fireplaces.”

“A scrapper named Wildcat Ernie placed Petak at the factory just before the place went up?”

He nodded. “He’s at the Health Center sometimes, too.”

I was starting to like Brockhouse. He didn’t make me beg for information.

“How about the dead guy? Petak have any link to him?”

“You never know. Sometimes one gets on another’s nerves, next thing knives are out, or bottles are broken. Or, I suppose, fires started. Scrappers have their own rules.”

I thanked him for his time, started to leave, but stopped at the door. Brockhouse wasn’t a Rivertown name. “College man?” I asked.

He grinned. “Northwestern. Bachelor’s in Criminology.”

It didn’t make sense, not in Rivertown. Unless...

“What’s your mother’s maiden name?” I asked.

He gave me the name of the mayor, and the village clerk, and the two village trustees.

I left, grinning too. Maybe there was hope for Rivertown if the lizard DNA was beginning to get washed by universities.

At first glance, the Sherman Stamping Works squatted low in the heart of Rivertown exactly as it had for eighty years, a four-block long, dark brick building hard by the railroad tracks. But then the eye picked up the double row of shattered windows, the rust on the hundreds of yards of rail siding. And the newest indignity, the rubble of scorched bricks lying where an entire wing had stood.

I walked through an opening made jagged by its doors being ripped away, and entered one of the main stamping rooms. It was a huge brick cavern, at least two hundred feet long. Fenders and floor pans had been punched out of sheets of steel there once, but now puddles of rain water lay between the square concrete islands where the presses had stood. High up on the dark trusses, pigeons fluttered at my intrusion, and then went silent. There were no light fixtures, no hardware on the windows. The gutted building still stood because land wasn’t worth anything anymore, not in Rivertown.

The pigeons started fluttering again. Above the rustling of their wings came a slight pinging sound. Somebody was hammering.

The huge room led into another great hall, identical to the first except that the concrete pads were smaller and set closer together, for smaller machines. A man in stained, torn clothing was using a claw hammer and a chisel to loosen the clinker bricks on an interior wall. A scrapper.

I gave the room a cough.

The scrapper turned. I raised my hands. “Got somebody who likes old bricks?”

He gave me the once-over, decided I wasn’t a cop, and nodded his head. “A couple of snazzers in a Mercedes Benz. They’ll give me twenty bucks for a hundred of them.”

“If you load them in their trunk?”

He looked at me, confused. “Sure.”

They must have been real snazzers if they were throwing around money like that.

“You know Wildcat Ernie?” I asked.

“This about Albert?”

I pulled out a twenty — a trunkload of bricks, in the current currency of the realm — and handed it to him. “Ernie fingered Albert for setting the fire.”

“Lots of guys come here. Could have been anybody set that fire.”

“Did you know the dead guy?”

“Never seen him, and I been around here plenty. I think he just wandered in that night. Bad luck, him getting dead.”

“Ernie around?”

“Not since the fire. Heard he came into some jingle. He’s roosting at the Health Center.”

“How well do you know Albert?”

“People keep to themselves.”

“Albert set fires?”

“If he did, he had a reason.”

I thought about that, walking out: A man has to have a reason.

The Rivertown Health Center used to be a residential YMCA. That was back when people came to Rivertown to make new things in the factories and new starts in their lives. Nowadays, the factories were dead, and all that got made in Rivertown were the girls who worked the curbs along Thompson Avenue, and the bets in the barrooms behind them. But the Health Center still served as a transient center, except now its guests were in transition either to the viaducts or to the afterlife. I’d stayed there for a night, once, in a room just vacated by someone who’d expired in the remains of his supper. One night had been enough.

“Wildcat Ernie,” I said to the grizzled gentleman at the desk.

He shook his head. Whether in refusal or incomprehension, I couldn’t tell.

I flashed a five-dollar bill. Everything is cheap at the Rivertown Health Center.

“Four-twelve,” he said.

I didn’t bother with the elevator. Even if it was operating, there was no certainty its ancient motor would hum all the way up to the fourth floor. And there was the likelihood it was already occupied by a passed-out resident, similarly unable to hum his way up to his room.

Four-twelve was two damp spots past the stairs. The door was slightly open.

So, too, were Wildcat Ernie’s eyes. But the rest of him had closed down for good. He lay on the thin mattress, a dead man in a flannel shirt, clutching an empty bottle of Gentleman Jack. The pockets of his stained blue pants had been pulled out. He’d been tossed, post-mortem, probably by another resident. Death, too, was cheap at the Rivertown Health Center.

I saw no marks, no blood. I rolled him onto his side. There was a second bottle of Gentleman Jack beneath him. This one was full. Whoever had plundered Wildcat Ernie had missed it.

I looked around the room. It seemed to be furnished identically to the blur in my memory of my own stay: metal bed, chipped pine dresser, one small bulb hanging from the ceiling, a ripped vinyl shade drooping, unsprung, over the window.

There was another empty Gentleman Jack bottle lying in the corner.

A three-pack of Gentleman Jack. Booze enough to float Wildcat Ernie into oblivion.

I went down the stairs, walked past the desk to the front stoop. I had to call the cops. But first I had to call my client. The Queen of France put me right through.

“Big news, Harry: I just found the guy who fingered Petak dead at the Rivertown Health Center.”

He fired up his smoke-eating fan, then his lighter. “Won’t help,” he said, exhaling. “The cops didn’t take a chance on Ernie disappearing. They videotaped him making his statement.” He took another drag. “Cops there?”

“I called you first.”

He blew smoke at our connection, but no more words.

“He drank himself to death, Harry. With Gentleman Jack.”

“What are you saying?”

“Gentleman Jack, Harry. That’s the good stuff, twenty-five bucks a bottle. He had three bottles. That took jingle.”

“Obviously he made some money, if he could afford Gentleman Jack.”

“Booze like that never makes it into the Health Center. The residents buy cheap, to stretch the buzz.”

“Whatever.”

“Somebody gave him those three bottles.”

“Doesn’t matter. We’re screwed. No hope now of tripping up his testimony.”

I left him to his little fan and clicked off.

Brockhouse was in. I told him I’d just found his chief witness drowned in whiskey. He muttered something appropriately profane. I said I’d be outside, waiting.

The ambulance siren came in less than two minutes. Brockhouse was right behind it. He let me follow them up the stairs. The medical techs took a second to verify that the spirit of Wildcat Ernie had indeed left the building, and then stepped back to allow Brockhouse to look around. He was thorough, and respectful of the man dead on the bed.

As he finished, he shook his head at Wildcat Ernie’s pulled pockets. “Whatever he had has been plucked.”

I pointed to the full bottle on the bed. “Except for Gentleman Jack.”

He turned to look at me. “What do you make of that?”

“Twenty-five bucks a bottle.”

“I wouldn’t know. I’m still paying off my college loan.”

“Three bottles of that stuff doesn’t fit here.”

He nodded slowly, then said, “Good thing your man Petak is locked up solid with an alibi. He has motive.”

“Harry Ruffino says this screws Petak. Now there’s no chance to take apart Ernie’s videotaped identification.”

“There is that tape; yes.” Then, nodding at the dead man, he said, “We’ll autopsy.”

“You’re kidding.” Drunks never got autopsied in Rivertown.

“He was the chief witness in a murder case. But like you, I’m seeing alcohol poisoning.”

“Good alcohol,” I said.

“Too good, if it’s twenty-five bucks a bottle.”

“It took jingle,” I said.

I met Albert in the same basement room. Again he scanned the corners, too concerned with vermin to be interested in the pack of Marlboros and book of matches I’d set on the table.

“Wildcat Ernie is dead,” I said.

His eyes worked the baseboards between the corners. “There’s rats here.”

“So you said, the last time. I need more, Albert.”

He looked down, saw the cigarettes. He picked them up, put them in his pocket. “There is nothing more. I didn’t set that fire.”

“Why did you get fingered?”

“I was convenient.”

“For what? Why would Wildcat Ernie give a damn?”

He smiled a little as he stood up. “Thanks for the smokes.” He went to the door, knocked, and was let out.

I started to reach for the matches he’d forgotten. But I didn’t need them. I left them on the table.

The Queen of France told me Harry was gone for the day. I asked her to give me his voicemail.

“You can tell me,” she murmured Frenchly.

“I’ll bet,” I said. “Tell Harry that I got nothing from Albert Petak. Tell him I still owe him a few hours.”

“Merci.”

“I’ll bet.”

That evening, after microwaving something that was pictured to taste like haddock but went down like paneling adhesive, I brought coffee up to the roof to sit in the night air. I was hoping the coffee would cleanse the chemical taste from my mouth and the mud from my mind.

It wasn’t just the Gentleman Jack that was nagging. There was the motive for the fire. The homeless man who’d burned to death was new to town; nobody alleged that Albert had even known him. That made the dead man an accidental victim. And that left the more obvious, and the more usual, motive for the fire: jingle.

Looking out that evening at the jumble of neon from the honky tonks, and the headlights of the slow-cruising parade of johns looking for fast love on the cheap, it was easy to see an insurance motive. Crime for money, big and small, made Rivertown run. Someone had paid Albert to torch the husk of the stamping works, to collect on a policy.

But it didn’t explain Wildcat Ernie’s bottles of booze.

And it didn’t explain Albert’s almost insolent indifference.

I knew a guy who worked for the county. First thing the next morning, I called, asking him to find out who carried the insurance on the Sherman Stamping Works. Then, switching gears in my clever brain, I spent the rest of the morning sanding wood.

He phoned me back before noon. “You owe me, Elstrom.”

“I’d have it no other way.”

“The Sherman Stamping Works has been in bankruptcy for years, but the factory was never seized. Call it...” He paused, not wanting to offend me by being honest about my hometown.

“...the fact that Rivertown real estate is worthless? Who carries the insurance?”

“No insurance.”

My certainty vanished like smoke into Harry’s machine.

“However, I did discover something interesting,” he went on. “All the back taxes were recently paid up.”

“How recently?”

He gave me a date that was two days after the fire.

Paying up the taxes made sense if the property was about to be sold. Arson without the promise of an insurance payout made sense if the motive for the fire was to kill.

But that both had occurred within two days of each other was too coincidental.

I thanked him and hung up.

I switched on my computer, searched through the Internet for any business news on the Sherman Stamping Works. Other than the news of the fire, there was none. In the world of business, the stamping works was dead.

Noodling, I clicked into one of the newer satellite photo sites, and brought up the aerial view of Rivertown. I saw Thompson Avenue, the Willahock River, city hall, and the turret. Saw, too, the railroad tracks that ran like a spine down the center of Rivertown, broken only by the spur onto the railroad siding alongside the long building with the blackened mound of bricks at one end.

And saw motive.

I called back the man at the county. “Was it a lawyer who paid the back taxes on the stamping works?”

“Yes.”

“Was it Harry Ruffino?”

He put me on hold for a minute to check. When he came back, he said, “I’m impressed, Dek.”

“It wasn’t me,” I said. “It was Gentleman Jack.”

Neither Harry nor the Queen of France picked up his line, and after three rings I got sent to his voicemail. “I’ve tripped over the game you’re running, Harry. My guess is that Petak doesn’t know about the game. My guess is that Wildcat Ernie did. You stink on this, Harry. Try to get to me before I get to the cops.”

It was unethical, bluffing a client. But my mind kept seeing Albert Petak twitching at the Rivertown jail, scanning the corners for rats.

I spent the next hour trying to cut wood trim for one of the turret’s slit windows. Carpentry normally calms me, because there’s a sureness to it, a logical route to a certain conclusion. But that afternoon, I kept making bad cuts because my mind was too tensed for the phone to ring. Finally, I gave up on the wood and went upstairs to the second floor, to what will be an office, which is across the hall from what will be a proper kitchen. All I need is money, and the stomach to keep encountering people like Harry Ruffino.

I sat at my card-table desk and called Harry’s office. Again I got routed to the tape. “Harry, I’m going to get rough. Call me.”

I got Harry’s home address and phone number from an Internet service that offers thorough privacy-invasion for a modest monthly fee. He lived in one of the better burbs northwest of Chicago. I aimed the Jeep there and arrived in a half-hour. A black fastback Mustang with its door ajar was parked in the driveway of Harry’s two-story colonial. I stopped a couple of doors back and cut the engine.

It took no time at all to deduce that the Mustang belonged to the Queen of France, because she was banging on Harry’s front door. Even from two hundred feet away, I could see the flush on the back of her neck, though it was not quite as red as her hair.

Her fist wore out after a couple more minutes and she marched back to the Mustang. The way she peeled out of there led me to believe her neck was going to stay red for some time.

I tried Harry’s office number again, gave his machine another yell. “Harry, I’m coming for you.” Next, I called his home phone. “I’m outside your house. I’m going to bang on your doors until I crash my way inside.” Then I pulled into his drive and revved the tin engine of the Jeep loud enough to rattle its failing muffler and, I hoped, his windows.

My cellular and automotive tantrums didn’t work. Harry didn’t call, and he didn’t come outside. So I got out, walked up to the house, and picked up where the Queen left off. I banged on his front door, and on the huge front window. Then I went around back and pounded on the kitchen door long enough to satisfy myself he wasn’t home. On my way back to the Jeep, I noticed a dark brick lying in the flower bed at the side of the house. It looked to be a clinker from the stamping factory. I wondered if Harry had picked it up as part of his guise in getting to know Wildcat Ernie.

To let Albert squirm much longer at the Rivertown jail, perhaps cowering from the sounds of little feet scratching near his head, was unconscionable. But so was short-circuiting Harry’s chance to go to the cops. I decided I’d give him the afternoon to get back to me.

I called Leo Brumsky and suggested lunch. He has been my friend since grammar school. He makes me laugh.

“I’ll even pay,” I added.

“You must be agitated.”

“I’m packing large. I got a five-hundred-dollar fee.”

Leo made that much in a morning as a provenance specialist for the nation’s largest auction houses. That morning, as he always did whenever I earned anything, he expressed amazement. “You rob a bank? If you did, I want to stay home and watch you being arrested on television.”

I told him I’d meet him at Kutz’s.

Fifteen minutes later, Leo’s Porsche, top down, rolled onto the few remaining bits of gravel in front of Kutz’s, filling the air with the intertwining of modern, muscular German exhaust and the soft echoes of forty-year-old Brazilian bossa nova. I recognized the murmurings of Elis Regina and Tom Jobim. It was one of Leo’s favorite albums.

“Behold the diminishment of the sun,” he shouted, as he popped his five-foot-six, 140-pound frame out of the Porsche. Then, thrusting his hands out, V-fingered like Richard Nixon, he twirled slowly so I could admire the outrageous double-XLs flapping on him like bed sheets hung in a breeze. Leo’s girlfriend selects his suits, normally Armani. But for casual, he shops alone, with the flair of the truly colorblind.

I laughed a much-needed laugh. The brightness of his overlarge duds — a neon-yellow shirt billowing above orange trousers — did indeed diminish the sun. In fact, except for the dark fur of his eyebrows — caterpillars cavorting in mirth — they almost made his bald head, always as pale as a skinned, newly boiled potato, invisible too.

We walked across the parking lot to join the cabbies, cops, and construction workers lined up in front of the flaking wood trailer. Kutz’s Wienie Wagon has been resting on flat tires, under the viaduct, since Young Kutz’s old man opened the place during World War II.

When the person ahead of us stepped away, making us next up, Leo inhaled suddenly. “Damn,” he muttered.

“You jerks going to order?” Young Kutz’s unshaven face snarled from the order window. Young Kutz is on the wrong side of eighty, but he’d wasted not a minute of all those years developing people skills.

Leo ignored the greeting and tapped the glass at the side of the order window. “For real, Mr. Kutz?”

“You going to order?”

“Indeed, Mr. Kutz; indeed,” Leo said.

“You’re not,” I said, but I knew they were wasted words. Like Leo, I’d noticed the fresh sign taped behind the opaque residue of old grease fires. On a sheet of white paper, Kutz had drawn the outline of a paper boat. Inside the boat, he’d drawn several red squiggly circles, then scribbled over everything with a yellow highlighter. He’d titled his art, at the top, “New Menu Item.”

Leo grinned. “At least I won’t be wasting my own money.”

He ordered his usual five hot dogs and the big-swallow soft drink. But instead of the invariable tub of Kutz’s gelatinous cheese fries, he tapped the glass in front of Kutz’s art and ordered the New Menu Item. I shook my head, in wisdom and disappointment, added another hot dog and a small diet cola to the list, and peeled off a twenty from Harry Ruffino’s fee. Our food was ready in thirty seconds because Young Kutz never strives for freshness, and I carried the flimsy plastic tray, following Leo, around to the pigeon-strafed picnic tables behind the trailer.

I took my hot dog and the small diet drink, and pushed the rest across to Leo. Nodding at the New Menu Item, I said, “Surely it’s obvious where Kutz gets the ingredients.”

“Barbecue cheese onion rings.” He smacked his considerable lips.

“Ketchup crustings from the counter bottles. Mold-spotted, soft onions...”

“Recycling’s fashionable.” He made a pincer of his thumb and forefinger and plunged it into the substance coagulating in the little paper tub. A second later, his hand twitched; his fingers had caught something. He pulled it, quivering and slow-dripping the yellow goo that Kutz insists is cheese from the tub.

With a sly glance to make sure I was watching, he tilted his head back, a bird to a worm, and opened his pincer. But the lumpy yellow strand did not drop. It clung, trembling, to the tip of his forefinger. He made snapping motions with his middle finger and thumb, once, twice, and then it fell into the yaw between his grinning lips. He moved his jaws quickly, chewing, then swallowed. And it was done.

He laughed at the horror on my face, and reached for his first hot dog. “Now, tell me what’s got you upset.”

“Remember that shyster I hired to get the turret rezoned to residential?”

“Harry Ruffino.” He picked up the second of his five tube steaks. Leo has weighed one-forty since high school, a weight gain of zero. He attributes that to speed-eating the corrosive bacteria found in Kutz’s hot dogs.

“Harry’s representing the alleged torch behind the Sherman Stamping Works. He hired me to talk to the guy.”

“You mean look into the fire,” he said around the hot dog.

“No. He just wanted me to talk to the guy, a scrapper named Petak, to see if I could shake anything loose for Ruffino’s defense.”

“And?”

“I struck out. Petak’s acting more concerned with the rats in the jail than with saving his own skin.”

“No one likes rats.”

“No one likes jail. Yet all he asked me to do was bring him a pack of smokes.”

“First things first, with us addicts.” He grinned, making a show of plunging his pincer into the cheese again.

“I went looking for the eyewitness who placed Petak at the factory. He was a guy named Wildcat Ernie.”

Leo caught my use of the past tense. He looked up as his fingers came out of the tub squeezing another oozing New Menu Item.

“I found him dead at the Health Center,” I said.

His fingers paused halfway to his mouth. “Murdered?”

“Alcohol poisoning. He drank himself to death with Gentleman Jack.”

The yellow-camouflaged bit of ancient onion fell back to the tray. “Gentleman Jack is good whiskey,” he said, watching my eyes.

“Too good for folks at the Health Center. Ernie had three bottles, but only needed two to send himself on his way. I’m thinking somebody gave Ernie those bottles.”

“Knowing he’d drink himself to death?”

“Absolutely.”

“Who?”

I shrugged, didn’t answer.

Leo, ever practical, said, “Does that free your man Petak?”

“No. The cops took the precaution of videotaping Ernie giving his statement. Harry says Ernie’s death worsens things, because Harry can no longer take him apart on the stand.”

“Ouch.” He slid across the tray of submerged New Menu Items in sympathy.

I pushed it back. “I don’t think Harry ever intended to attack Ernie’s identification.”

“Whoa.”

“Immediately after the fire, the back taxes on the stamping works got paid up.”

“By whom?”

“Harry.”

“Jeez.”

“I’m thinking Harry hired Wildcat Ernie to set the fire, to scare the owners into giving him a cheap option to buy the factory.”

“Why would he want that place?”

I took out the aerial photo I’d printed off the Internet, and put my thumb in the right place. “In case Rivertown ever comes around.”

Leo saw it right away. “Clever Harry. What do you do now?”

“He’s dodging me. I left him phone messages, threatening to go to the cops.”

He looked down, remembering the bit of New Menu Item that had fallen. It lay motionless — in rigor or in repose — a yellow squiggle atop a crust of more yellow. He picked it up and dropped it in his mouth. “No way he’ll ever confess to setting up his client, Petak.”

In a quite literal sense, Leo was right.

There were no messages on my cell phone, nor on the answering machine back at the turret. I spent the afternoon sweeping up sawdust and cleaning varnishing brushes. And listening for the phone. But Harry didn’t call.

At five-thirty, Brockhouse from the Rivertown police knocked on my door.

“Evening, Mr. Elstrom.”

“Like to come in?”

“I have, for some time.”

He stepped inside. Like most first-timers, he needed a short tour of the round room. It’s not the furnishings that grab them; there are only two plastic lawn chairs and a table saw. It’s the walls. My grandfather built the turret of good craggy limestone that seems to change color, almost continuously, in the light that drifts in through the slit windows. A wrought-iron staircase curves up, through the beamed ceiling, to the four floors above.

“They talk about this place over at city hall,” Brockhouse said from across the room.

“Because they rezoned it as a municipal structure, so the town can use its image everywhere?”

He smiled. “Rivertown will change, Mr. Elstrom.”

We sat on the plastic chairs.

“Any word on Wildcat Ernie?” I asked.

“Autopsy results won’t be available for a few days. But like you and me, the medical examiner is thinking it’s going to be alcohol poisoning.” He shifted in his chair. “I understand you’re feeling some frustration with Mr. Ruffino.”

“How did you come to that conclusion?”

“You left strongly worded messages for him today.”

I tasted oil at the back of my throat. “What’s happened?”

“Tell me about your calls to Harry Ruffino.”

“I think Albert Petak is innocent. I want to make sure Ruffino thinks that, too.”

“That Albert Petak was set up? By whom?”

“Wildcat Ernie is the obvious candidate.”

“He’s conveniently dead. Anybody else?”

“I’m not sure.” I was, but the ethics of my client relationship with Harry Ruffino still stuck to me as thickly as the cheese on Kutz’s New Menu Item.

“You also drove to Mr. Ruffino’s home today. His neighbors told us you appeared quite distressed.”

“Cut the crap. What’s happened?”

“Harry Ruffino is dead.”

My mind stutter-skipped over possibilities. Nobody I knew had motive and means to kill Harry. “How?” was all I could manage.

Brockhouse said nothing.

“I never saw Harry today,” I said.

“You were at his house. Angry.”

“I never went inside. He wasn’t around.”

“You were mad. You threatened him. The neighbors saw you banging on his doors and windows.”

“Then the neighbors saw that I didn’t go in. And they saw his secretary, too. She was also banging on his door, just as upset.”

“She got worried when he didn’t show up for work. Why the anger, Mr. Elstrom?”

“I told you: concerns about Petak’s case. How’d Harry die?”

He leaned back in the plastic chair and gave me an eighth of a grin. “In bed, probably of a heart attack.”

“You come here implying that I had something to do with Harry’s death, then tell me he died in bed, of a heart attack?”

I put my hands on the white plastic, like I was about to get up. “Unless you’re going to free Albert Petak, I’ve got to find him an honest lawyer.”

He made no move to rise. “Pure coincidence? Wildcat Ernie, and now Harry Ruffino?”

My ethics problem was dead. Giving Brockhouse what I suspected would hurry Albert’s release.

“Harry wanted an option to buy the stamping works. But he wanted it dirt cheap, so he hired Wildcat Ernie to torch a wing to put a little scare into the owners before he contacted them. The deal he cut must have included paying the taxes in addition to some dough under the table. Part of his deal with Ernie was to finger Albert. To make sure Albert went down for the fire, he offered to defend him for free. That way he could control the trial, make sure no unpleasant doubts arose about Albert’s guilt. Even with Albert convicted, though, Ernie would still be a loose end. So Harry gave Ernie three bottles of really good whiskey, knowing Ernie would lap at it until it killed him.”

“That’s a lot of cunning.”

“Albert Petak is innocent.”

Brockhouse made no move to get up. “I don’t see motive for Ruffino. I can’t see why he would have wanted that old factory. Nobody’s buying property in Rivertown.”

“You said it yourself: Rivertown will come around eventually.”

“That factory is shot. It’s a ruin.”

I ran up to the card table, brought down the aerial photo. “Harry didn’t want the factory. He wanted what runs up to it.”

Brockhouse studied the picture for a few seconds, then handed it back and stood up.

“The only railroad spur in town,” he said. “He’d have made a fortune in fees, charging people to ship through that siding.”

“When Rivertown turns around.”

He shrugged. “It’ll happen.”

“Albert Petak?” I asked him at the door.

“Awfully convenient for Albert, Ruffino dying when he did.”

“Albert Petak was in jail. And he didn’t set that fire.”

Both were true enough.

I didn’t race off to see Albert. I took coffee to the roof, to go over, one last time, the means I’d fitted to the motive. As Brockhouse was telling of Harry’s death, Leo’s throwaway line at lunch had come back to me, banging the facts into a row as straight as the boxcars used to be, lined up on the rail siding at the stamping works.

“First things first, with us addicts,” Leo had said, grinning as he plunged his fingers into Kutz’s New Menu Item. He’d been talking about the yellow stuff Kutz tries to pass as cheese.

And about Albert’s cigarettes.

I tossed the pack of Marlboros onto the table in the green cinderblock room. I hadn’t brought matches. They wouldn’t be necessary.

“The first time I came to see you, you asked for Marlboros — Harry Ruffino’s brand.”

Albert’s eyes stayed steady on mine. He didn’t look at the cigarettes. He no longer needed to scan the corners of the room.

“First things first, with addicts,” I went on. “Any smoker in this place would have lunged for the cigarettes I’d brought. But not you. You only needed one, for the rat powder you scraped out of some corner here.”

The trace of a smile fit onto his lips. “Rats come in all sizes.”

I handed him the receipt I got from the sergeant at the desk. “I wrote you a check for two hundred and fifty dollars.”

Surprise made his eyes flicker. “Why the jingle?”

“It’s half what I got paid by Ruffino. An officer named Brockhouse will probably release you this afternoon, because he doesn’t have enough to hold you anymore. Use the money to run like hell.”

He nodded, but said nothing.

“I’m guessing you only powdered one cigarette. But they could autopsy Ruffino, and then they might check the butts in his ashtray.”

He shrugged.

“They could question yesterday’s visitors, maybe find somebody who saw your hands on two packs of Marlboros as Harry was fumbling for something in his briefcase.”

“Ruffino wanted me down for murder.”

“Run like hell, Albert.”

He got up, walked to knock on the door. He’d left the smokes on the table. As the door opened, Albert Petak gave me a vague salute.

“Thanks for the jingle,” he said.

©2009 by Jack Fredrickson

Unruly Jade

by Terence Faherty

Terence Faherty’s Scott Elliott series has been nominated for two mystery awards, the Dilys, given by the Independent Mystery Booksellers Association and the PWa’s Shamus Award. Both nominations were for a novella in which Elliott features, In a Teapot, and in both cases the book was up against full-length novels written by some of the top names in the field. Here is Elliott with a mundane case that suddenly turns deadly.

1.

“It’s a night of danger, intrigue, and infinite possibilities.”

I was inclined to doubt that claim, as the man who’d made it was a little mouse of a guy who looked like he wouldn’t know danger and intrigue if they took turns tickling his ears. And the only possibilities he could spot, I was sure, were the ones quickly receding in the rearview mirror of his life.

His name was Claude Dabney, and he was a humorist, formerly in print and now on the silver screen. He’d come to Hollywood in the late thirties in the wake of another humor writer, Robert Benchley. Benchley had had a mild success both in supporting roles in features and as the star of a series of shorts in which he basically played himself: a slightly befuddled Babbitt, eager to share his confusion with everyone else, often in the form of a comic lecture.

Dabney, who was vaguely English and, as I said, underproportioned, added an additional dimension to the same basic act. In the two-reelers he made for Columbia, he got pushed around by everyone and everything from shoe salesmen to shoelaces, but somehow managed to triumph in the end. In appearance, he resembled Roland Young more than Benchley. That is, he had thinning hair precisely parted, a beak of a nose, and tiny eyes inclined to blink. But there was one area in which he and Benchley might have passed for twins: They both drank like lovesick fish.

Drinking had rushed Benchley’s death, which might have been why Dabney was so cautious. He insisted on company whenever he went on one of what he called his “toots.” And that’s where I came in. On that dangerous and intriguing night in 1946 I was working for Hollywood Security, a firm which swept up after the studios and the stars. I was their current probationer, and as such, I’d been assigned to babysit Dabney, a job any real babysitter in real bobby socks could have handled, in my opinion. My boss, Patrick J. Maguire, had tried to build the part up by telling me that Dabney could be a Jekyll and Hyde when he drank, but I’d dismissed that as Paddy’s standard blarney.

Sure enough, except for a desire to move around more than seemed necessary, Dabney had proven to be quite the lamb. We’d started with an early dinner at the Brown Derby, me, as ordered, in my somewhat seedy tux and Dabney in his very seedy one. Our waiter there had called me “slugger,” as he was an old-timer and remembered the evening before the war when I’d decked a certain star in the Derby. I’d been an actor myself then, in a small way. Dabney had insisted on hearing the story, and it had gotten him blinking and then some.

“But this is wonderful, old boy.” He repeated my name, Scott Elliott, a time or two like he was suddenly remembering it. “I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you as a former member of the fraternity. But I must say I’m pleased. I wanted us to look like a couple of old friends, out for an evening of reminiscence and perambulation, and now we shall.”

We were a mismatched couple, with me being tall and a little heavier than my acting days and considerably the Englishman’s junior. But I went along with the gag happily. It would be one last chance to make the rounds as my old self.

Our perambulating eventually took us to Ciro’s, a sophisticated nightspot on Sunset. The club reminded me of Paddy’s Jekyll and Hyde comment; it was sleek and modern on the outside — its entryway roof with its curves and many slender supports looked like a harp designed by Harley Earl — but very baroque on the inside. It had been remodeled by its new owners and toned down a little, but it still resembled a Versailles boudoir that happened to seat three hundred.

Our seats were at the bar, at Dabney’s insistence. His drink of choice was a Bronx, an antique cocktail made from gin, sweet and dry vermouth, and orange juice. I’d watched so many being made by then that I had the formula down by heart. I was consuming orange juice, on the rocks. Orange juice and a steady stream of Dabney’s patter.

“Have you ever noticed, old boy, how many movies are set in one of two places, a newspaper or a nightclub? I’ve often thought those locales come up so often because a writer will always fall back on what he knows best. Most screenwriters worked for a newspaper early in their careers, what one might call their honest period. The nightclub experience comes from a writer’s Hollywood period, when these upholstered confines come to seem more real than the unupholstered world outside.”

I thought of kicking in that nightclub settings popped up so often because they gave the studios a chance to insert their musical performers in nonmusical pictures, thereby keeping them off the streets and out of trouble. I didn’t make the observation, because Dabney had segued into a story about his lost days on the London Times. And because the man seated to my left said something just then that divided my attention.

It was: “There she is, the dame in the green dress. Memorize her.”

Dabney was peering into his cocktail, so I was free to glance over my shoulder at the dance floor, where the customers were swaying to “They Didn’t Believe Me.” I spotted the woman in the green dress right away. She was tall and slender, with dark hair worn up everywhere but in front. There, sharply cut bangs reached down almost to her widely spaced eyes. She was wearing a necklace of green beads a shade brighter than her dress. The necklace also caught the attention of the guy beside me.

“She’s wearing the jade,” I heard him say. “That’s handy.”

The mirror behind Ciro’s bar had a finish of crackled gold, but I could still make out that the speaker was a light heavyweight, dark of features and suit. His companion, also in a dark suit, had a bluejacket’s haircut over a baby face.

“That’s worth eighty thousand bucks?” the kid asked.

“Every nickel of it,” the dark man replied.

Dabney, meanwhile, had reached the payoff of his story. “The actual cause of my firing was a piece I wrote about astronomy. At one point, I had to give the distance to the moon in miles. I might have looked it up, but I thought the figure I gave, ‘rather more than ten,’ to be both true and adequate. My editor, the fossil, disagreed.”

He stretched his short arms. “I feel like a change in ambiance, old boy. Let us reclaim our hats.”

2.

I would like to have stayed and overheard more about that jade necklace, but Dabney was insistent. The next place on his list was the Cafe Trocadero, or the Troc, as it was known locally. The club was what had drawn the stars to Sunset Boulevard in the first place and so had drawn the tourists who liked to bask in starlight. I’d been there often in my studio days, parading some starlet in front of the photographers for the benefit — we hoped — of our respective careers. Those nights were usually as awkward as a blind date for the prom, but every now and then I’d broken through the glamour and met a genuine human being, maybe even a Midwesterner like me.

Paddy had told me that the Troc was closing after a decade’s run, and the rumors he passed on were generally reliable. But I didn’t really believe that one until Dabney and I were installed in the grill room. The place was half empty, and the occupied tables contained only tourists, mildly disappointed. The carpeting was as worn as Dabney’s tux. The whole interior was. What once had seemed to me a chic Parisian cafe now looked like a bad parody of one. I told myself it was because I’d seen the real Paris — courtesy of Uncle Sam — since my last visit. But then Dabney took up the same theme.

“The grandeur that was Rome, eh, old boy? What a shame. The nights this place has seen. I’m told Ted Healy died in a brawl in this very bar. Did you know him?”

Leave it to Dabney to be up on movie comics who drank too much. “Before my time,” I said.

“Before time itself, perhaps,” Dabney replied. He pursed his lips a little at his first taste of the Troc’s idea of a Bronx, but sipped on manfully.

“Growing old is an odd thing, Scotty. It seems mild enough, incremental, as it were. You notice a gray hair in the mirror and then another, but the head they’re sprouting from remains the same. More or less the same. Then you visit a place like this that you remember from a lost time, or you see a person you haven’t seen in years, and whammo. I mean to say, look at what happened to Gladys Cooper. She was once the most enchanting creature on the London stage, johnnies at her door every night, staggering under their loads of flowers. And now she’s playing severe old ladies with Gorgon’s eyes. How did that happen, old boy? When did it happen?”

Sometime after Dabney had first set sail on the Bronx Sea, I guessed. I noticed that his speech was becoming a little slurred and took it as a good sign. I thought he’d have his fill soon and I could drive him home, maybe in time to squeeze in some drinking of my own. Then he dashed my hopes.

“We must fight against it, Scotty. We must nail our colors to the mast! Requisition another round, old boy. I’ll be right back.”

I ordered his drink and a fresh pack of Lucky Strikes for myself. I was lighting the first one when someone screamed directly behind me.

A woman built along the lines of Margaret Dumont was rubbing her backside and turning as red as the local streetcars. Her gaze would have made Gladys Cooper’s best imitation of a Gorgon look like a come-hither wink. She was directing it at Claude Dabney, who was standing before her with an empty tray in hand and a napkin over one arm. He looked like any of the waiters, except that their seedy jackets were white.

“I beg your pardon, madam,” he said. “Didn’t you order the goose?”

That got a laugh from everyone within earshot except me, the lady in question, and a guy who was either her husband or a stevedore she’d adopted after her last ocean voyage.

“Why you...” the man sputtered, using the time-tested formula. He followed that up in a conventional way, too, pushing back his coat sleeves and balling his big hands into fists.

Dabney closed his not-big eyes, and I wondered if he’d decided to try Ted Healy’s cure for old age. Wondered, but didn’t wait to find out.

I’d witnessed a few brawls in barracks and bars during my time in the service and I knew that guys planning to throw a punch fell into two broad categories: those focused on a specific target and those mad enough to hit anything that moved. I’d learned from hard experience not to play peacemaker with the latter group, of which this stevedore appeared to be president. But Dabney had paid for his babysitting in advance, so I stepped between them. “Excuse him, please,” I said. “He’s had a little to drink.” A little more than a gallon.

As I’d expected, the husband’s idea of a counterproposal was a looping left aimed at my head. I stepped inside its arc, grabbed one corner of his black tie, and gave it a quick yank, undoing what had been a beautiful bow.

That act of vandalism puzzled a little of the steam out of him. Before the pressure could build again, he had a waiter — a real one — on each arm.

I turned to give Dabney a choice word or two. The borrowed tray and napkin occupied his previous spot on the balding carpet. Of the man himself, there was no sign.

3.

When I started to look around for Dabney, everyone who noticed me at it pointed the same way: toward the club’s front door. The man in charge of that door confirmed the bad news. Dabney had grabbed another party’s cab and sped away. For a crisp new five, the doorman remembered the destination Dabney had given the cabbie. It was another nightclub, Don the Beachcomber’s, on McFadden.

I dallied long enough to collect our hats and then set out in my LaSalle, a sleek prewar coupe that was the brainchild of that genius designer I mentioned earlier, Harley Earl. The drive to McFadden took less than no time, but even that was too long. At Don’s, a club that looked like it had been flown in complete from Key West, I learned that Dabney had been turned away due to the damage he’d caused on a prior visit. He’d sawed partially through the seats of several of the club’s rattan chairs with his trusty penknife. The weight of their next occupants had completed the gag.

The guy who had bounced Dabney on that occasion took pity on me and recommended I try Nick’s Hideaway, another place from which Dabney had been banned. The bouncer’s theory was that the little humorist — whom he called a “bedbug“ — would naturally go where he wasn’t wanted. I decided to trust his judgment, since the alternative was confessing all to Paddy.

After the big nightclubs had established themselves on Sunset, smaller ones had popped up on the hills behind the boulevard. These had both fed off the overflow and taken advantage of a wartime tendency among the stars to seek out quieter watering holes. I hadn’t been around to follow that trend, so I’d never been to Nick’s Hideaway. It turned out to be a Spanish-looking stucco building with an authentic red tile roof and inauthentic striped awnings, all of it spotlit in a way that belied the hideaway part of its name.

The inside was much darker and quiet, so quiet that I despaired of finding Dabney. The first guy I asked was a thin citizen in a suit whose jacket was overly wide in the shoulders and so long it came down almost to his knees. His trousers were as tight at the cuffs as jodhpurs. He was standing at a window next to the front door, peering through a gap in its gauzy curtains.

“Don’t work here,” he said in a south-of-the-border accent. Then he undercut his claim by exiting through a door marked Private.

I left my hat on the counter of an unmanned coat check and entered the main room, where a decent combo was playing to a smallish crowd. Their current effort was “Sophisticated Lady,” a Duke Ellington song I’d loved ever since I’d heard Lillian Roth warble it in a Vitaphone short. My visit to the Trocadero had made me sensitive to signs of decay, and I saw them all around me at Nick’s, which had last been painted around the time I’d landed on Utah Beach. I decided that the place was yet another Hollywood hopeful who would soon be looking for a fresh start, which made us soul mates.

I asked after Dabney at the bar and was told he hadn’t been there and wouldn’t get in if they saw him coming. The bartender didn’t describe Dabney’s past offense in detail, except to say it may have involved Jeanette MacDonald and a seltzer bottle.

I sat there smoking a Lucky and trying to think of my next move. I could wear out my very valuable tires trying to hit every gin joint in greater Los Angeles. Or I could call the cops to see if anyone had reported a riot. Or I could call Paddy and make a clean breast of things. I was looking toward the phone booth near Nick’s entrance when a lady I knew came in. It was the woman of the jade necklace from Ciro’s. She was accompanied by the guy she’d been dancing with there, who was peering around now through gold-rimmed specs like he was appraising the joint.

I wasn’t surprised to see them. If you went nightclubbing in as small a town as Hollywood, you could expect to bump into the same nomads once or twice in the course of your evening. That reflection made me think that my best plan might be to stay where I was and let Dabney come to me. I was still mulling it over when a guy sat down next to me and asked to share my ashtray.

“I’m Nick Sebastian, the owner,” he said. “I understand you’re looking for Claude Dabney. You his keeper?”

I gave him my name and Hollywood Security’s. I would have shown him a card, too, only Paddy hadn’t issued mine yet.

Sebastian nodded through that and said, “I came by to offer to hold on to Dabney for you, if he should stumble in. I’m guessing the object is to keep him out of the jug.”

“And the hospital,” I said, thinking of the punch the little man had courted at the Troc.

Sebastian, a sad-eyed, slightly overweight guy, gave his jowls a shake. “If you ask me, a hospital is where he belongs, one with bars on the windows. That liver of his isn’t going to last forever.”

I’d been keeping one eye on the front door in case that endangered liver sauntered through. So I caught the entrance of another Ciro’s alumnus. It was the kid in the dark suit who’d shared the bar with Dabney and me. The one who’d been told to memorize the woman in the green dress.

4.

The kid scanned the main room, spotted the jade woman and her escort at their ringside table, and sat down at the bar a few stools from the club owner and me.

“Friends of yours?” Sebastian asked.

“Nope,” I said. And then, “Excuse me.”

The combo was taking a break, and the audience was stirring itself, looking around for the powder room or the coat room or just doing a little table hopping. It was the natural moment for me to say hello to old friends, even ones I didn’t actually know.

These friends were laughing as I walked up to their table, though I thought the woman’s titter was less than sincere. That judgment might have been colored by one I’d arrived at when they’d entered, which was that she was far too pretty for her companion.

“I beg your pardon,” I said when they realized I wasn’t the waiter. “I wonder if I might have a word with you.”

I’d addressed the lady, but the wearer of the gold eyeglasses answered me. He had wavy hair and a shade less jaw than he needed to support his attitude. “What’s this regarding, Mr...?”

“Elliott,” I said. “Scott Elliott.” I waited for them to recognize the name and told myself I had to stop doing that. “I guess it’s regarding a warning.”

“A warning?” the woman repeated. “Friendly or unfriendly?”

“Extra friendly.”

“Please sit down,” she said, with a warmth in her voice that convinced me the laughter I’d heard earlier had been pure tin. I didn’t often notice a lady’s ears, not for the first date or two, but I noticed hers. Her dark hair being up put those ears on display, and it had been worth the effort, as they were delicate, perfectly shaped, and — backlit by the glow of the stage — as translucent as fine china. In contrast, her full lips had been designed for heavy service and rouged for it, too. Her brown eyes, under long, natural lashes, were green around the irises, the color brought out by her gown. And the jade, of course.

“We should introduce ourselves,” my hostess said. “My name is Evelyn Lantrip. This is my brother, David Beeler.”

She explained the difference in their last names by uncovering her left hand — formerly under her right — and displaying a wedding ring I should have noticed a lot sooner.

“I’m visiting from Kansas City,” she added. “David is showing me the town.”

A Midwesterner, I thought, suppressing a sigh. “Mr. Lantrip doesn’t dance?”

“Doesn’t even travel,” his wife said.

Her brother was less patient with personal questions. “About this warning.”

“Right. I happened to be in Ciro’s earlier this evening while you were there. I overheard two men discussing your necklace. Specifically, how much it was worth. One of them followed you here. The crewcut at the bar.”

Brother and sister exchanged a glance and maybe a ghost of a smile, though I convinced myself that I’d been wrong about that when Mrs. Lantrip’s tone became serious. “You’re concerned about a robbery? That’s sweet of you, Mr. Elliott. I guess it was foolish of me to wear this, but it’s the nicest thing I own. A girl from Kansas City needs all the help she can get out here.”

“Not every girl from Kansas City,” I observed.

Beeler took his absent brother-in-law’s part. “Thanks for the warning. We’ll keep our eyes open. Please don’t let us detain you.”

I wished them a good evening and returned to my seat at the bar. Nick Sebastian was still occupying the one beside it. He took up our conversation where we’d left off. “No kidding, I’ll be happy to sit on Dabney for you. Just give me a number I can call.”

Between Sebastian handing me my hat and Beeler’s bum’s rush, I was beginning to feel unwelcome. “You’re not afraid he’ll wreck the joint?”

The club owner shook his jowls again. “We’re closing to remodel in a week. I’ve picked up a silent partner with a pocketful. Dabney’s welcome to tear down anything but the bearing walls.”

We were seated with our backs to the padded bar, so when Beeler whistled up a waiter and paid their check I noticed. I looked down the row of stools in time to see the kid with the crewcut toss some bills on the bar.

I started to get up, and Sebastian put a hand on my arm. “Then again,” he said, “if you’re here when Dabney shows, it’ll be easier on me.”

Evelyn and her brother were at the exit by then. They used it without a backward glance at me. The kid followed them out.

I removed Sebastian’s hand from my sleeve. “When you make up your mind,” I said, “wire me collect.”

5.

I didn’t waste any time at the hat check; my best black snap-brim was on the counter exactly where I’d left it. Still, I barely made it outside in time to see the brother and sister team pulling away in a cab. Before I reached my LaSalle, a dark blue Plymouth coupe left the curb in the wake of the taxi.

I joined the parade, which wound through the hills without climbing much or descending to the boulevard. Eventually, I spotted the red neon sign of another nightspot, one I knew, the Arbor Supper Club. Either by design or accident, Lantrip and Beeler were moving to increasingly discreet establishments. The Arbor was so discreet it couldn’t be seen from the street. It was reached by a path that climbed through a long archway of trained bougainvillea. The cab stopped at the foot of this chute, and the lady and her escort got out. The Plymouth had pulled to the curb well before the club’s shield-shaped sign. I parked even further back.

The man who got out of the blue coupe wasn’t the one I’d been expecting, the kid I’d followed out of Nick’s. It was his shorter, broader friend from Ciro’s. He’d been using his junior partner to keep tabs on Lantrip and the jade, I decided. Now he was moving in himself. As he stepped onto the sidewalk, he yanked his hat brim down almost to his nose. If he’d covered half his face with a black bandanna, I wouldn’t have been any more sure that the feature was about to start.

To keep up with him, I had to pass within plain sight of the Plymouth and its driver. I weaved a little as I walked and whistled a few bars of “Sophisticated Lady” so I’d pass for a Dabney-in-the-making. I hadn’t forgotten about the real Dabney or my real job, though I was trying my best. But nothing, not even Paddy’s certain disapproval, could get me to put a pint-sized practical joker ahead of a damsel in distress.

The bougainvillea tunnel was inadequately lit by a series of paper lanterns. Though the ground rose steadily, there were no steps, just some flags set here and there in the grass. Muted Gershwin came down from above, sounding no louder than a neighbor’s gramophone. I started up at a trot, trying my best to step on the grass and not the stones. I hadn’t gone very far before I saw my man. He was standing still and — it seemed to me — listening. I listened too, hearing a voice only a little louder than the distant music. I had a second’s impression that the voice was familiar. Then I swung into action.

Due to the wetness behind my ears, Paddy hadn’t issued me a gun, which suited me, as I’d had my fill of them. But a gun would have been a comfort just then. I made do with my right hand stuck in my jacket pocket, supplemented by a fountain pen I’d gotten in the habit of carrying back when I was hoping to be asked for my autograph.

“Don’t move,” I growled. “You’re covered.”

The light heavyweight froze, hands at his sides.

“Forget about the jade,” I said. “The lady’s taking it back to Kansas City.”

I had more to add, maybe something about how crime didn’t pay. But just then somebody grabbed my pen arm and whirled me around.

It was the kid I’d left behind the wheel of the coupe. If he’d clouted me from behind, we would have been done. Luckily, he’d chosen to do the sporting thing and brace me face-to-face. He’d even spotted me a slight advantage, since I was above him on the hill. I counter-punched his left jab aside and landed most of a right cross.

Then something that wasn’t a fountain pen poked me in the spine. “Reach, Gentleman Jim,” the older man said.

The kid was getting up from the grass, looking a lot less sporting. His partner stopped him with a single word: “Relax.”

He patted me down, found the Waterman, and swore. “Who the hell are you?”

“Scott Elliott, Hollywood Security,” I said, thinking it might be my last chance to make that claim.

He shoved me under the nearest paper lantern. “One of Paddy Maguire’s crew? Let’s see some identification.”

“Haven’t got any yet.”

He swore again. “Another rookie.”

The kid I’d sat on the grass rubbed his jaw and looked embarrassed. I was starting to feel the same way.

“Who are you guys?” I asked.

“Truax,” the man with the gun said, tapping himself on the necktie. “He’s Riggs.” As he returned the snub-nosed revolver to his shoulder holster, he added, “We’re Hollywood Security’s competition. Only we’re legitimate.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“You’ll find out, if Maguire keeps you around long enough. In the meantime—”

Somewhere off in the shrubbery, a woman screamed.

6.

It was my second scream of the evening. This one was cut short before it really got going, which somehow made it worse. My two new friends took off up the path, with me a step behind them. At the head of that path was a jumpy guy with an unlit cigarette in his mouth. He took one look at us and exited stage right. The scream had come from stage left, from somewhere down a gravel path that skirted the Arbor’s big bay windows. Just beyond the light they cast, we found Evelyn and Beeler.

She was seated on the gravel, nursing a bleeding lip. Beeler was staggering around, his wavy hair standing up like the back hairs of an angry cat. He was looking for something — his golden glasses, I realized. As I helped Evelyn to her feet, I noticed a second missing item. A whole lot of jade.

“He took it,” she said. “A guy with a gun.”

“Describe him,” Truax ordered.

“A black-haired zoot-suiter, the creep. He hit me. Then he ran off that way.”

She pointed away from the building. At a nod from his partner, Riggs took off in pursuit. I started to follow him, but Truax blocked my way.

“They’ll be coming from the club,” he said. “Buy us some time.”

“Yes, please,” Evelyn added.

I handed her my handkerchief and trotted back toward the lights. Three men had come out of the Arbor, none of whom looked thrilled about this call from danger and intrigue. I told them some guy had gotten fresh with his date, and they went back inside happy. When I rejoined the trio on the path, Beeler was in his glasses again and demanding names, ranks, and serial numbers.

Truax introduced himself as an operative of the Transcontinental Detective Agency.

“You too, Elliott?” Beeler asked me.

“Hell no,” Truax said. “How do you know Elliott?”

“He warned us about a robbery,” Evelyn told him. “Back at Nick’s Hideaway. He’d noticed your friend watching us.”

“Then he hurried along after you to make sure the real robber would have a clear field,” Truax said.

“Wait a minute,” I said.

“Wait nothing. If you hadn’t stopped me, I would have seen the whole thing. I would have nailed the guy.” He turned from me to Evelyn. “My firm was hired by your husband, Mrs. Lantrip, to keep an eye on you.”

Things were getting darker fast. I said, “Lantrip knew someone would try for the necklace?”

Truax looked pained by something. My naivete, as it turned out.

Evelyn said, “He wasn’t worried about theft, Mr. Elliott. He was worried about infidelity. With good reason.”

“Shut up,” Beeler said in a tone that made me sorry he’d found his glasses.

“Go to hell, David. I’m sick of this masquerade. And I’m not getting stuck for the price of that tramp’s jewelry.”

Truax, who was faster than me on the uptake, said, “You’re not Evelyn Lantrip?”

“No. My name is Marion Hale. I’m Guy Alexiou’s assistant.”

Finally, a name I could place. Alexiou was maybe the hottest director in Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer’s current stable.

The woman with my pocket linen to her lip said, “Mrs. Lantrip met Alexiou when she was catting around out here last year. They’ve been trading love notes ever since. She knew her husband had hired Transcontinental to chaperone this year’s fling, but she also knew you only had her description to work with. I happen to fit that description, too. So she and Guy worked out a switch.”

That explained the secret smile she and Beeler had exchanged after my warning. I’d let them know the plan was working.

“While you’ve been traipsing around behind us,” Hale concluded, “Lantrip and Guy have been over in Malibu, going at it like rabbits.”

“Shut up,” Beeler said again.

He made up for being late with the line by shaking her arm roughly. That was all the opening I needed, glasses or no glasses. Only Truax beat me to the punch, literally. He hit Beeler in the breadbasket with a movement I admired both for its efficiency and effect.

“Why did the brother here go along?” he then asked as though nothing had happened.

Hale said, “He thinks Alexiou is going to get him in at Metro. He’s been out here for years, trying to worm his way in somewhere. Guy’s playing him the way Lantrip’s playing her husband.”

Riggs trotted out of the darkness. “No sign of him, Sam. He must have had a car waiting.”

“He’s halfway to Mexico by now,” Hale said. We all looked at her, even the stooping Beeler, so she explained. “He had an accent.”

That rang a bell. And Hale’s earlier reference to a zoot-suiter finally registered. But Truax still had the floor.

“How did he lure you away from the lights?”

Beeler wasn’t up to speaking, so Hale answered. “He met us on the club’s front steps. Gave us a song and dance about how there’d been a big fight and a newspaper photographer was inside snapping away. I couldn’t afford to have my picture taken as Evelyn Lantrip. The guy told us this path was a shortcut to a taxi stand. He followed us and pulled a gun.”

The Transcontinental man worked through it aloud. “He can’t have known the next party coming up that path would have a small fortune around her neck, any more than he knew that Elliott would come along to cover his back. He must be having the luckiest night of his life.”

I was good and sick by then of playing the fall guy. “His luck’s run out,” I said. “If we move fast, we’ve got him.”

“We?” Truax said.

“Sure. It’ll make a great ending for your report to Kansas City.”

7.

I took off for the bougainvillea tunnel, ignoring the group’s questions until we were passing the Arbor’s front door. Then I said to Hale, “You can wait inside. Or they’ll call you a cab.”

“What about Beeler?” Truax asked.

“He goes with us,” I said.

“The hell I will,” Beeler said.

Riggs, who was supporting Beeler at the elbow, stole his boss’s line: “Relax.”

Hale said, “I’m going, too. I want to see how this ends.”

I liked her for that and said okay. Truax wasn’t liking much about the setup, but he didn’t voice his objections until we were all squeezed into their coupe, Beeler and his nurse in the backseat and Hale between Truax and me in the front.

“Why Beeler?” he demanded then.

“Who picked the Arbor as your next port of call?” I asked Hale.

“David did. He said it was part of the circuit his sister liked to make.”

“It is,” Beeler said.

“And how did the gunman know you couldn’t afford to be photographed as Lantrip? That fairy story was especially designed to scare a woman in disguise. Nothing happened tonight by chance; everything’s been planned out. That’s why Beeler.”

“You’re forgetting your part,” Truax said. “They couldn’t know you’d blunder in. But if you’re right about Beeler being involved, then the robber had to have known his mark was being tailed. No gunman would waylay the lady if he knew she had a private cop in tow.”

It was a great objection. Either Beeler was an innocent party and the robbery was a lucky fluke or Beeler was a mastermind who’d set up a robbery that couldn’t work unless I happened along. Luckily, I’d seen a third way.

“Remember the guy with the unlit cigarette we scared when we charged out of the jungle? He was part of the scheme. All he had to do was ask you for a light and you’d be off camera long enough for the thing to work. Only I slowed you up instead. By the time you finally showed, Miss Hale had screamed and the jig was up. So the accomplice took off.”

I’d been giving Truax driving directions in small chunks, the same way I’d been passing on my brilliant solution. I knew that once I told all, it would be back to the chorus for me. Eventually, though, we arrived at Nick’s Hideaway.

“Why here?” Truax asked.

I told them then about seeing the watchful youngster in the dated suit and got the demotion I’d expected. Truax told Hale to stay in the car, she told him to tell it to the Marines, and we all five went in. Though the music was still playing, no one greeted us. I showed them the door marked Private. Truax tried its knob very quietly, then drew his gun and kicked the door in with the same economy of motion he’d earlier used on Beeler.

If Guy Alexiou had been directing the scene, the little tableau that greeted us couldn’t have been any more perfect. The gunman with the accent and the dated wardrobe was standing next to the room’s center of light: a big desk trimmed out in brass studs. Seated behind the desk was Nick Sebastian. Between his fat hands stretched a long strand of green beads.

We trooped in, Riggs shutting the damaged door behind us. A movie script would have provided some snappy dialogue at that point, but we did without. Truax patted down the Mexican and took his gun. Only then did Sebastian ask what we wanted.

“That,” Truax said, aiming his snub-nose at the necklace. “And you two.”

“The gentleman told me he found this outside,” Sebastian said. “If that isn’t what happened, it’s news to me.”

I said, “Your silent partner here says different. He says that jade was going to remodel this dump.”

Sebastian picked Beeler out of the crowd. “You four-eyed sponge. I should have known better than to trust you.”

It was a great spot for one of Beeler’s retroactive shut-ups. Instead, he took us all by surprise. Riggs still held him by the arm, but only loosely. Beeler pulled the kid into a headlock and, reaching around him, drew the gun from Riggs’s holster.

“Drop yours,” he told Truax. “Both of them.”

The detective couldn’t hope to shoot without hitting his partner, so he dropped his revolver and the Mexican’s glittering automatic. When its previous owner stepped to retrieve it, Beeler waved his gun at him.

“No you don’t, Pedro. I’m flying solo from here on.”

He pushed Riggs aside, crossed to the desk, and took the jade from Sebastian. “Enjoy prison food, Nick.”

As he backed toward the door, he noticed Hale. The look he gave her made me step between them.

Then the door behind Beeler flew open, hitting him a whack that sent his glasses flying and shoved him my way.

I grabbed his gun arm and raised it to the ceiling just as the revolver went off. Then I landed a right cross, a solid one this time.

Beeler sank to the floor, revealing the figure in the doorway. It was a little guy with a beak of a nose and a nonstop blink. Claude Dabney. He was huffing and puffing like the Big Bad Wolf.

“I want my hat, you chaps,” he announced. “And I want it now.”

8.

Just shy of last call, Marion Hale and I found ourselves in the tiny, book-lined bar of the Arbor Supper Club. We’d gone back there — after a preliminary interview with the cops — to collect my LaSalle. The club had let us in despite the early hour and even though I no longer had a tie. I’d used mine to bind the hands of Claude Dabney, king of the jungle. He was now asleep in the backseat of my car, wearing his beloved hat, which I’d been carrying around for him since the Troc. But not wearing his shoes. I’d locked those in the trunk as an added precaution. Marion had tossed in her phony wedding ring for good measure.

We’d earned our nightcaps, and they sat on the hardwood before us, a Gibson for me and a Gimlet for Marion. She was ignoring hers to gaze into my steely blue eyes, which gave me a dilemma. Not concerning what her gaze meant or where we were heading. I wasn’t that wet behind the ears. I was wondering how I’d break the news to Paddy that I’d won an in at MGM and would be returning to my old profession.

I’d already turned down one job offer since they’d put the cuffs on Beeler and Sebastian. That had come from Sam Truax on behalf of the Transcontinental Detective Agency, and it had been easy to refuse. If I had to be a babysitter for the Dabneys and Lantrips of this world, I preferred to work for a firm with Hollywood in its title, not one whose name threatened a transfer to Tacoma or Topeka or Trenton.

A chance to crash MGM was another matter entirely. So I was wording my resignation and feeling a little regret over it, now that I’d glimpsed my job’s more exciting possibilities. Then Marion rendered the question moot in the extreme.

Her exact words were: “Want to help me say goodbye to Hollywood, Scotty?”

“Goodbye?”

“Yes. I’m heading east, maybe after I have a farewell toot, like that little friend of yours.”

“What about your job?”

“Gone. Guy fired me, the goat. I called Malibu from the ladies’ room back at Nick’s. I wanted to let Evelyn know she needed a good divorce lawyer. Guy canned me before my first nickel ran out. Said I’d never work in this town again, the plagiarist.”

“He’ll apologize,” I said.

“He’ll have to do it long distance. I’ve got a standing offer from a typewriter company in Ohio. My old man runs it. Someday I will. You’re looking at the first female president of the Dayton Chamber of Commerce.”

I controlled an impulse to down my Gibson and raised it to her instead. “Good luck with that,” I said.

“You should think about getting out, too, Scotty. Guy and all the other vest-pocket Napoleons in this burg are living on borrowed time. They think things are going to go back to the way they were before the war, but those days are gone forever. The future’s waiting to do to Hollywood what the flood did to Johnstown.”

She was just blowing off steam, but her prediction still gave me a chill. Not that I let on. I knew that much about playing a gumshoe.

In my best offhand delivery, I said, “Sounds like I’d better hang around and make sure everything turns out okay.”

Marion raised her drink to me. “Good luck with that,” she said, and we clinked our glasses on it.

©2009 by Terence Faherty

L’Etang du Diable

by Caroline Benton

Caroline Benton’s novel The Path of the Dead was published by Constable, in the U.K., in 2006. She is currently at work on a follow-up novel, which she expects to complete early in 2009. She has also been producing a lot of short stories, mostly in the crime genre, but also some tales of the supernatural and women’s fiction, which she has sold in the U.K. and Scandinavia. She previously appeared in EQMM in 1/09.

I laughed when Gabrielle told me Le Coisel was haunted. Ghouls and ghosts are not part of our modern vocabulary, except as ingredients of a particular genre of movie intended to scare, and more recently of emotive love stories intended to cause weeping. I expected Gabrielle to laugh with me, but her face remained solemn.

“I know what I know,” she said cryptically.

I smiled. “And what do you know, Gabrielle?”

But she was not to be drawn. She snatched up her duster and told me she was too busy to talk.

Gabrielle is Le Coisel’s femme de menage, the daily help. It was she who held the keys to the house after the death of the previous owner, and she who, when we first discovered it, silently showed us around. She lives with her farm-labourer husband, Jacques Prudence, in a one-storey maison rustique a kilometer from here, where the track from Le Coisel meets the small country road. They are the nearest neighbours.

Like most of the farming community in this quiet area of Normandy, Gabrielle speaks not a word of English. Never a problem for my wife, a fluent speaker of French, but frequently one for me, though on this occasion I was sure I had not misunderstood her. Back in my study I checked the dictionary to make sure. No, no mistake. Hante — haunted. I smiled at the credulity of countryfolk.

Her revelation had come as a result of my request for help the following Friday evening when we were to give our first small dinner party. We had met an English couple the previous weekend in the paint section of the local brico, and had pounced on each other as only expats can. Already we were missing our native tongue.

Neil and Penny Morgan had a house twenty kilometers to the northeast in the area of Calvados known as the Bessin, and had been permanent residents for two years. The countryside around them was flat, they told us, but coming from Norfolk, they were used to that. They were a little vague as to how they were surviving. He mentioned doing building work for other Brits — of which, it seems, there are many — and she enthused wildly about “running chambres d’hotes” when their own renovation was completed, which I gathered was a long way into the future. They seemed envious of my writing, though more for my ability to generate income in a foreign country than from any literary kudos I might have acquired. They had not (apologies all round) read any of my books.

We asked them what they missed most about England. Cheddar cheese, they said, and bacon, and cream that isn’t sour, at which point my wife — who, forewarned, had a quantity of cheddar still in the deep-freeze — invited them to dinner. They were an odd-looking pair, younger than us and a trifle “New Age“: he tall, spare, and bearded, she with long braided auburn hair and voluminous skirts. I suspected we would have little in common other than language.

Le Coisel is a haven for a writer. There is nothing exceptional about the house itself. It is typical of the area — large, sturdy, built of the local stone beneath a steeply pitched slate roof, although it does have a rather ornate central dormer of carved stone which gives it an air of rural grandeur. It was the situation rather than the house that we fell in love with.

One thinks of Normandy as a vast tract of horizontal dullness, and indeed much of it is, but the area of southern Calvados known as the Bocage is more engaging, with gently rolling hills and lush valleys, a rich farming land not unlike the Gloucestershire countryside where I grew up. Le Coisel is situated where Bocage and Bessin meet, not far from...

But forgive me if I do not reveal its exact location. I bought it for peace and seclusion and have no wish to be overrun by people deeming to satisfy a morbid curiosity. Suffice it to say, Le Coisel faces south along a wood-enclosed valley from which no human habitation can be seen, and through which runs the gentle Ruisseau de la Vierge on its way to meet the Drome.

It was summer when we first saw it, one of those glorious hot weeks in July. The sun had turned the car into a furnace, so the tree-shaded track offered a welcome relief. Before even entering the house we walked down to the stream and stood in quiet contemplation amongst a carpet of bog iris, their yellow heads thigh-high, holding out our bare arms to let damsel flies in iridescent blues and greens alight upon our hands, whilst at our feet the water burbled and the hot air pulsated with the songs of birds. Paradise. The pressures of London seemed as remote as Mars and we did not need to speak to know we would buy it.

The house itself, shuttered and unlived in for many years, felt like a tomb when Gabrielle finally turned the great iron key and creaked open the door, but both Stella and I immediately recognised its potential. Massive fireplaces, beams the size of buttresses, exquisite floors of handmade hexagonal pave were enough to make an interior designer swoon. It had suffered from its period of abandonment, but only through damp. In England, it would have been vandalised. The whole came with five hectares of land, which included the valley and the surrounding woodlands.

In truth, I would have preferred something farther south, where the weather is hotter and summer more reliable, but my wife, a keen gardener, preferred more northern climes. That’s where she was that morning, at a garden near Bayeux, conducting her research. She had just received the go-ahead from her publisher for a second coffee-table tome with the provisional title The Gardens of Northern France.

She returned in late afternoon, cold and exhausted (there are no damsel flies in March!), and huddled beside the woodburner to thaw, whilst I, still an Englishman at heart, made a pot of tea. Had I remembered to ask Gabrielle about Friday, she wanted to know, and I told of the strange refusal.

“Haunted?” said Stella. “Le Coisel?”

“Has she not said anything to you?”

“Nothing. Not a word.” She thought for a moment. “Did she say what form the haunting takes?”

I shook my head. “I thought you might ask her. You’ll have more chance of understanding what she says.”

She nodded. “I’ll ask on Saturday. Assuming I’m still able.”

I raised my eyebrows and she laughed. “If we haven’t been scared to death the previous evening.”

A cold draught seeped under the door and I moved closer to the stove.

There was a frost that night. The valley next morning was powdered with a fine white dust and icicles hung in sabre-toothed clusters along the banks of the stream. I put on my thickest jacket and went out for a walk. Thursday was not one of Gabrielle’s mornings and Stella was already in her study typing up the previous day’s notes.

I let myself out the back door and walked briskly, feet crunching, my breath wafting in clouds before my face. I went first through the orchard, where cider-apple trees sagged beneath huge balls of mistletoe, and from there up into the woods. I love the woods of Le Coisel. They are old as time, deciduous, suffocated by undergrowth so dense that in summer they are impenetrable to all but the creatures that inhabit them. But they fill me with a strange sense of pride. I can only attribute such feelings to the “lord of all he surveys” syndrome and confess it has taken me by surprise. How well, I wonder, do any of us truly know ourselves?

But I digress. In the winter months, when the undergrowth had died down, I was able to forge my way in and from then on walked there most days, regardless of weather — alone, mostly: Stella was usually too busy — and it was on one of these early forays that I discovered the etang. To be precise, I almost fell into it. As is usually the case on my walks, my mind was elsewhere, and although I was vaguely aware of a clearing ahead of me I had no reason to suspect it contained water. Only by grabbing a young ash branch was I able to prevent what could have been, in such temperatures, a fatal accident.

The pond was twenty meters across, dark and still, its surface broken only by rotting leaves and the occasional drip of water from the rock face rising some thirty feet above it. The slow drip-dripping was the only sound, and echoed around the clearing like a death knell. I stood at the lowest part of the rim, where the water was no more than a foot below me, and leaned forward. My reflection stared up at me, the decomposing body of a shrew hovering at my right ear. I gave a cry and leapt backwards, then turned and hurried away. The clearing smelt of rotting wood, humus, and death, and I had no wish to linger.

Later I told Stella of my find.

“Is it natural or man-made?” she asked.

“I’ve no idea. It could be an old quarry.”

“Deep?”

“Probably.”

She resumed her typing.

“Don’t you want to see it?”

“Haven’t time,” she said, fingers flying over the keys, so I went out and closed the door. I’d hoped she would be excited.

The pond had a name, I learned later from Gabrielle. The locals called it l’Etang du Diable. When I asked why, she was unable — or unwilling — to enlighten me, though eventually, with much apologetic gesturing, she admitted that it is by this ominous name that Le Coisel itself is known. It seems I wallow daily in the Devil’s Pond.

On the morning of the dinner party no water dripped into the l’Etang du Diable. Instead, swords of ice stabbed downwards from the rock face, aiming their points at the frozen skin on its surface. It looked magnificent — the pool of the mountain king; the Snow Queen’s bathtub. I walked to the edge, obliterating with my hefty footprints the delicate tracery of birds’ feet feathering the frost, but did not bother to lean forward. Ice gives back no reflection.

Emerging from the woods, I saw Jacques coming towards me on his tractor, spraying gravel over the verglas of the track. He pulled up beside me and reached down to shake hands. When we had exchanged the usual pleasantries and concerns regarding the weather, I told him I had come from the etang.

Jacques frowned. It would be wise not to go there, he told me.

“Why’s that?” I asked.

He shrugged. “C’est dangereux.”

“Is it deep?”

He shrugged again, and taking a pouch from his pocket began with painful slowness to roll a cigarette.

“Did somebody once drown?” I prompted.

He ran his tongue carefully along the paper and fumbled in several pockets to find his matches. At last the flame hissed and he held it to the tobacco. “Helene,” he said, inhaling deeply. “Helene Bazire.”

“Gerard Bazire was the previous owner,” I said.

He nodded. “Helene was his wife.”

I stared down towards the house. “How did it happen? Was she alone? Did she fall or...?”

“Who knows how these things happen,” said Jacques. “She drowned. That is all I know.” He spurred the engine.

“Is that how it got its name?” I shouted over the din, but Jacques didn’t answer. He let out the clutch and the tractor lurched forward.

It was bitterly cold that night and we had severe doubts as to whether our guests would arrive, but shortly after seven-thirty we heard the crunch of tires on gravel and the slamming of doors. They came in, red-nosed and rheumy-eyed, stamping frost from their feet as they unwound numerous layers of clothing. I poured us all a pastis, including Stella, which was unusual.

Penny said it was nice to be somewhere warm for a change, pounced on one of the many bowls of amuse-gueule Stella had set out, and huddled in front of the stove. She nibbled frantically, as if she’d not eaten for a week, though unless the bulk was caused by further hidden layers, her figure told otherwise. Heaven only knew what lay beneath the colossal mohair jersey, and I, for one, preferred not to speculate. But they seemed a pleasant enough couple. We talked of general things — houses, the best places to shop, the peculiar customs of the French — and were finishing our third glass of pastis when Stella informed us the food was ready. We were already a jovial foursome when we sat down to dine.

The wine, in its turn, flowed freely. Even Stella, normally so abstemious, was swilling it back with the rest of us and I hoped she wouldn’t regret it later. She and alcohol have always made uncomfortable bedfellows. By the end of the second course it was clearly having its effect and she was expounding loudly on her forthcoming volume, having discovered, to her apparent delight, a fellow enthusiast in Neil. I let her continue, removed the plates, and brought the cheese, watching with amusement as our guests ignored the creamy richness of Pont l’Eveque and Roquefort of which we were so fond, and devoured instead the much-yearned-for cheddar. Would we be like that, I wondered, in two years’ time?

Stella continued both to drink and to talk gardens. She and Neil were leaning closer now, becoming animated. Her face was flushed and her eyes had a sparkle I had not seen in them for a long time. Penny, on the other hand, appeared bored.

“Shall we talk about something else?” I said at last. “We don’t all share your enthusiasm, darling.” At which Stella spun towards me.

“For gardens, or for my new book?”

“For gardens, of course,” I replied patiently.

She continued to stare.

“It must be really exciting,” said Neil, somewhat ingratiatingly, “having a wife who’s a successful writer.”

Stella laughed. “Oh, I don’t write, Neil. Only writers of fiction write, isn’t that so, darling? They are the creative ones, whereas I merely record facts.”

She spoke in jest, but there was no denying the underlying sarcasm. Neil shifted uncomfortably. It was, of course, the drink talking.

“I once made the mistake of referring to her first book as a coffee-table tome,” I said lightly, trying to put him at ease. “I’m afraid she’s never forgiven me.”

“Nonsense,” replied Stella. “What is there to forgive? That’s exactly what it was, lots of pretty pictures and not much text. A mere piece of frippery.” She reached for the bottle and yet again replenished her glass.

“Are you sure that’s wise?” I asked, but she ignored me and offered the bottle to Neil. He did decline, on the grounds that he was driving.

“Stay,” said Stella magnanimously. “We’ll put the radiator on in the spare room. Won’t we, darling.”

I waited for a further polite refusal, and when none came reluctantly climbed to my feet and went upstairs. Our new friends were pleasant enough, but I had no wish to prolong their visit.

When I returned, Stella had served the final course and was struggling to open a bottle of Sauternes. “Let me,” I said, fearing, in her present condition, some frightful accident with the corkscrew. For a moment I thought she would refuse to let it go, but finally she relinquished it and resumed her seat.

“I’ve been telling Neil and Penny about our reputed haunting,” she said. “Penny thinks we should be concerned.”

“I would be,” Penny affirmed, looking around the room as if some ethereal being might at any moment materialise through the wall. “I wonder whose ghost it is?”

“Probably Helene Bazire’s,” I said, pouring the wine.

“Who?”

“The wife of the previous owner,” said Stella. “Why do you say that?”

I realised I had not told her of my conversation with Jacques.

“She drowned in the etang,” I said. “Jacques told me this morning.”

“Good God. When?”

“I’ve no idea.”

“What etang?” asked Neil.

Briefly I described the pond in the woods and its sinister reputation. Penny shivered. “How did it happen?” she asked.

“Jacques doesn’t know. At least, he says he doesn’t.”

Her eyes widened. “Does he think she was murdered?”

“I don’t know. I’m merely repeating what he said.”

Stella looked thoughtful. “Her husband mistreated her, you know. Gabrielle told me.”

“Then perhaps he did it.” Penny sat forward excitedly. “Perhaps he killed her and pushed her in. Ghosts are supposed to be the corp...” she stumbled over the words, “the corporeal manifestations of victims of violent death,” she said at length, and slumped back in her chair. “I’ve drunk too much,” she giggled.

It was becoming apparent that we all had.

“Sounds like a good basis for a story,” said Neil to me. “Perhaps you can use it in your next book.”

I smiled stoically and Stella laughed. “What an excellent idea, Neil. God knows he needs something to stir the creative juices.”

My hand firmed around the stem of the glass. “I have plenty to inspire me without resorting to ghost stories,” I said coldly, and Neil and Penny exchanged glances.

“Neil’s brother’s read your books,” she said. “He phoned during the week and I told him we’d met you. He teaches English in Lincoln.” She shot a sidelong glance at her husband. “He said you haven’t published anything for ages. He wondered if you had writer’s block.”

Beside me Stella gave a snort of laughter. “Writer’s block doesn’t exist, does it, darling? It’s — and I quote — ‘a fiction in its own right, propounded by those who lack ideas.’ ”

I winced in embarrassment. She was slurring her words and was by now quite obviously drunk. “Why don’t you make coffee?” I said.

“Why don’t you!”

She leaned towards Neil and placed her hand on his. “Tell your brother, my husband has been resting — a long rest, I agree, but creativity is exhausting. As for writer’s block... tch!” She dismissed it with a wave of her hand and sent the bottle flying. Wine gushed over the tablecloth and onto my trousers but she seemed not to notice.

“But let me tell you this, Neil,” she continued, leaning still closer, “it’s a good job some of us still have ideas or we wouldn’t be paying the bills. Even if we aren’t real writers.”

Neil looked embarrassed and I averted my eyes in disgust. There is nothing more odious than an inebriated woman — especially an older woman. I plucked the wet fabric from my leg and squeezed it in a napkin.

Eventually Stella staggered to her feet and went to the kitchen. Penny excused herself and followed, presumably to find the bathroom, and Neil and I were left alone. “You must forgive my wife,” I said, all too aware that I was probably slurring too. “She rarely has more than a glass or two. It affects her badly.”

“We all do it once in a while,” said Neil generously.

“Not Stella,” I said. “Stella never lets go. Stella never allows herself to...”

But I didn’t finish the sentence. There was a muffled shriek above our heads, followed by heavy footsteps on the stairs. The door burst open and Penny came hurtling in. She threw herself at Neil and began to babble incoherently.

“Now what?” I cried, jumping to my feet and tipping over the chair, but Neil looked as bemused as I did. He gathered her into his arms and began stroking her hair, all the while murmuring “there, there” as if she were a child. The noise brought Stella from the kitchen.

“What’s happened? Is she ill?”

“God knows,” I said. “She’s talking gibberish.”

“I want to go home!” cried Penny with sudden lucidity. “I won’t stay in this house. It’s evil, it’s...”

“What’s she talking about?” asked Stella, swaying against the jamb. “She can’t go. She’s drunk.”

“Oh yes, I can!” screamed Penny, pushing Neil to one side. “Where’re our coats? Coats! Coats!”

I felt like slapping her. She was clearly becoming hysterical. She started rushing around the room like one demented, searching for the coats, as if we’d simply thrown them into a corner.

“Do something,” Stella said to me. “They’re drunk. They can’t...” She collapsed into a chair.

“I’m not their keeper,” I said, and fetched the coats from the hall.

I saw them to the door. Penny scrambled into the car as if the hounds of hell were after her, leaving Neil to mutter a few garbled words of apology and thanks. I stood outside and watched the lights of their Deux-Chevauxmove slowly up the track and vanish into the trees.

And that, I’m ashamed to say, is all I remember. My sudden exposure to the bitingly cold air must have been too much for me because I, too, succumbed to the excesses of the evening. For the first time in more than twenty years I was intoxicated to the point of oblivion.

I awoke in my bed, dehydrated and nauseous. I tried to get up but the pain in my head forced me back down. I reached across for Stella but the sheet was cold.

Some time later I woke again. The thirst was unbearable. I felt like death. It took me some time to realise that the intrusive hammering was not only in my head but also outside. Someone was banging on the door. I forced myself to sit up.

I was naked. Where were my pyjamas? More to the point, where were my clothes? I managed to stand and grabbed my dressing gown. “I’m coming,” I muttered angrily as I made my way downstairs.

I opened the door to find Jacques, his employer Monsieur Chicot, and a younger man whom I didn’t recognise standing on the step. They were bareheaded and solemn. It was Jacques who spoke.

It is difficult to be alert or coherent when in the throes of a severe hangover, even more so when one must converse in a foreign tongue. I couldn’t at first grasp what he was saying, and wished only that he would go away so that I could get a drink of water and some aspirin and return to my bed. I was aware of how I must look, unshaven and haggard, and of the coldness of the tiles beneath my bare feet. I gathered he was speaking of my wife and eventually I caught the word etang.

“Again,” I told him. “Slowly.”

I must go with them, he said. To the etang. There had been an accident.

My stomach filled with ice. “Stella?” I asked.

He hung his head.

It was the third man who had found her, the one they called Alain. He was a hunter and had gone into the woods to shoot. Normally, he said, he avoided the etang, but for some reason that morning he had been drawn. He had found her facedown in the water, frozen into the ice, and had run to Jacques, who in turn had called Chicot. The three of them had returned and dragged her out. Then they had come for me.

Somehow I managed to dress — I still couldn’t find my clothes — and followed them to the pond. They had left her lying on the bank, face upwards in the frosted leaves, as though staring at the cold circle of sky above the clearing. Her lashes were thick with ice. The grey woollen frock, saturated and (since they had come to fetch me) frozen over, clung to her body like a diseased second skin, coarse and putrescent. I turned away and vomited.

A moment later I heard shouting. The police had arrived. There was much arguing and gesticulating — mainly, I gathered, because the body had been moved. For the first time I looked at the dark gash in the ice. Already it was filming over.

Gabrielle appeared and, despite my wild protests and demands to stay with my wife, she, Jacques, and a policeman led me back to the house. They took me to the kitchen and stared aghast at the mess. The dining room was in even greater chaos — spilled wine, kicked-over chairs, sprawling empty bottles. Had we really behaved so disgustingly?

“Party,” I mumbled as Gabrielle made a space for me to sit down and began to clear the debris.

The following days were a nightmare. I kept expecting Stella to appear — there were so many things I wanted to tell her — but then I would remember and my stomach would churn. I howled with loneliness. The police interviewed me many times, but there was little I could tell them, other than that we had all drunk far too much and I had eventually passed out in a stupor. I cringed with shame. Neil and Penny confirmed my story but, like me, could offer no logical reason why Stella should have gone to the etang. Penny’s suggestion that she had been drawn by whatever evil presence lurked in the house was dismissed, quite rightly, as nonsense. Although I have since learned that Helene Bazire was not the first woman to die there, I still cannot accept supernatural intervention. For pity’s sake, we are no longer peasants.

The press, it goes without saying, were obnoxious. The incident had all the ingredients of a sensational story — mysterious death, well-known protagonists, hints of the paranormal. Even implications of foul play which I did my best to ignore. They couldn’t substantiate, of course — any evidence had been destroyed when Jacques and his companions removed her body and by our footprints walking to and fro — but it added to the speculation. Which did not displease my agent. Sales of my books soared. Penny too, I’m told, was paid handsomely for her chilling descriptions of “The Ghost of Le Coisel,” although I suspect the “woman pleading for mercy at the top of the stairs” was the product of a business mind rather than psychic disturbance, and I doubt if we’ll ever know what, if anything, she truly saw that night. I eschew the use of cliches but at times it is hard not to think of the proverbial ill wind.

Later that day I found my clothes. Gabrielle was pulling them from the washing machine when I stumbled into the kitchen. They were wet and clean, the cycle completed, so I said nothing and allowed her to continue. There seemed little point in drawing attention to what had otherwise passed unremarked.

The verdict of the inquest was predictable — death by drowning whilst under the influence of alcohol — and I pray there isn’t an afterlife or Stella will have died a second time through shame. I returned to Le Coisel, determined to sell, determined to have the etang filled in. In the event, I have done neither.

To be frank, there seems little point. I never go near the Devil’s Pond now, and nor, I feel sure, do the locals. This latest incident will have done nothing to diminish its evil reputation. And as for selling...

I thought at first I would move south, but I find I am strangely content here. Yellow flags again line the riverbank and damsel flies dart jewel-like amongst the leaves. It is a haven of peace and tranquillity. I sit daily beside the water and have come to rely on its gentle murmur for solace, even, I suspect, for inspiration. I have begun writing again and my first novel for many years is under way. I see little reason to move.

Perhaps content is too strong a word... The night of the tragedy is never far from my mind and at times I am deeply troubled. But there are some fears one cannot fully express even to oneself. That way lies madness.

I am a gentle soul, I tell myself, when I lie awake in the early hours, heart pounding and bathed in sweat. I am kind and compassionate, incapable of inflicting even the mildest hurt. But then the other voice begins to speak, soft and insidious, reminding me that we are all capable of good and evil, and that I, as a writer, should know that better than most. Whereupon I begin to sweat again and strain to hear the former voice for reassurance. How well, I wonder, do any of us truly know ourselves?

©2009 by Caroline Benton

For the Love of Mary Hooks

by Christopher Bundy

Christopher Bundy’s fiction and essays have appeared in Atlanta Magazine, Glimmer Train Stories, The Rambler, and many other publications. He is a teacher and a founding editor of the journal New South in Atlanta, Georgia. He joins us for the first time with a story that explores the mystique and magnetism of The Beatles. A small kernel of fact helped to inspire this story: there were actual accounts of barbers going out of business in the 1960s because of the popularity of the popularity of the Beatle cut.

* * * *

Where the Cul-de-sac Met the Railroad Tracks

When Dobson Johns found Donny Palmer by the railroad tracks, Lake Claire, Georgia, embarked upon a change, just like the world beyond that had begun to surface in the newspapers and on TV. The citizens of Lake Claire thought the con-fusing headlines from Atlanta, Washington, and abroad, however forbidding, wouldn’t make it to their town; and for the most part the town stood still. But then, among the odd rhythms of the summer of 1966, even blue sky was fleeting, buckets of rain submerging pastures and overflowing streams and rivers. Not a patch of solid ground to be found. Lake Claire, which never had a lake, only a few places where water seemed to collect more than others, went swampy. As soon as you rested on firm earth it gave way beneath. Inside the houses of the small south-Georgia town the sheets were damp and towels never dried. Clothes clung to warm backs and it was best to sit still and let the sound of rain quiet your heart. And for the first time it seemed even the television went muddy, revealing, nightly, a window onto a more and more inconceivable and unpredictable decade.

For the Love of Mary Hooks

Through the curtain of constant rain, Mary Hooks caught her second look at Donny Palmer. Hidden in the shadows of the entranceway to Drucker’s 5 & 10 on the opposite side of Corbett Street, she watched as the boy and his mother dashed into the Dairy Queen. Mary had seen the boy only once before, when his father, Don Senior, had showed up to tell her he had to stay home that night — something had come up and his wife Dale expected him. In the rain, Don Senior had stood hovering in the doorway to keep her from his son’s view. But she saw the boy, a beautiful blur behind the streaked glass of his father’s Pontiac LeMans, shaggy blond bangs over his eyes. From the Dairy Queen, mother and son sprinted to Carmello’s Barbershop where, under the awning, they shook off the rain. The boy’s mother pushed open the shop door, but Donny shook his head and refused to enter, stepping back from the meaty figure of the town barber and into the rain.

The truth about Carmello DeNino was that ever since The Beatles first appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show he stopped liking boys altogether. The barber scowled from behind his chair, disgusted with the boys of Lake Claire who had let their hair grow long: first the front and sides, over the eyes and past the ears, and to their collars, where it curled like a girl’s. Then they stopped coming altogether. The Palmer boy, an oddball already, Carmello told anybody who would listen, was the first to refuse a haircut. But others followed. And here the boy was, standing in the rain, again refusing a haircut.

For eighteen years Carmello stood each morning before the American flag that flew from his barbershop. His massive hand spread over his swelling chest as he recited the Pledge of Allegiance with a solemn shake of his head, to show the people of Lake Claire he was an American, the best you could possibly be. But after two decades of running an honest business in Lake Claire, Carmello spoke painfully of the declining number of young customers in his shop each day.

Mary Hooks watched as the boy’s mother appeared to plead with her son to enter the shop, angry, yes, Mary thought, but more disheartened than anything else. Donny remained steadfast in the rain, as if to underscore his defiance. The boy’s mother dropped her head in surrender and entered the barbershop, nodding apologies at the immigrant barber, who had a moustache like Stalin, the cheeks of a bulldog, and a head like a fuzzy pumpkin. Donny stepped back under the awning and out of the rain. Crossing the street to get a better view of the rain-soaked, shaggy-haired boy, Mary sought shelter under the same awning.

“Just can’t stay dry these days, can we?” she said to him as she shook water from her umbrella.

“No, ma’am,” Donny answered, his eyes still on his mother and the big barber inside, who stood with his beefy arms folded across his chest.

Mary stirred at the boy’s formal “ma’am.” At twenty-two she was not used to hearing such formal greetings. “Not ready for a haircut yet, I guess.”

Donny acknowledged the pretty stranger with rosebud lips, brown eyes, and short dark hair with a puzzled glance her way. But he didn’t hold his gaze; he pushed wet bangs from his eyes and looked away, barely grunting a reply. Donny’s mother talked inside, with her back to the window, while the Italian barber glared at the boy over his mother’s shoulder.

“My name’s Mary.” She dipped her head to catch the withdrawn boy’s eyes again.

“Yes, ma’am. I’ve seen you.” He shuffled his feet from side to side, kicking at the wet sidewalk with the toes of his sneakers.

“I’m going to make a guess here — and I’m usually right about these things — I bet you like The Beatles, don’t you. Is that it?” she asked, the hope of a reply in her smile. Donny looked up with eyes wide. “Uh-huh.”

“Is that why you don’t want to get your hair cut?” Moving closer to the boy, Mary hummed the melody from “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away.”

“Uh-huh.” He ran his hand through wet hair, his eyes returning to her in recognition.

“Your parents making you? Is that it?”

“Uh-huh.” He glanced at his mother again and back to Mary. “Mostly my dad, he doesn’t like it one bit. But he’s not here right now.”

Mary Hooks nearly answered that she knew his father was away on business in Atlanta, but caught herself in the middle of a nod. She knew because she had met Donny’s father, Don Senior, just yesterday during her lunch break, at home, and right before he had left for Atlanta. I’ve only got a few, Mary-girl, Don Senior whispered in her ear as he pressed his hips into hers. They didn’t eat lunch but instead made love on Mary’s rose-colored sofa, Don Senior murmuring promises of gifts from Atlanta, of a time when they would be together, of a ring on her finger. Don’t worry, honey, I’ll make you honest. Just, things have to move slowly in delicate situations like this. When he had exhausted himself, he kissed Mary’s forehead and hurriedly dressed, cursing the clock on the wall. Don’t you move from here until I get back. Mary knew he thought he was being romantic.

“Is that right?” Mary turned back to the boy.

“Uh-huh.”

When she asked the sixteen-year-old if he had heard the new Beatles single, “Paperback Writer,“ Donny shook his head. Mary Hooks smiled and touched the wet bangs that had fallen again over his eyes, before jerking her hand away in shock at her own action.

“I like your hair,” she added, as if saying so would explain away her immodest gesture.

Through the large plate-glass window of Carmello’s Barbershop, Dale Palmer, frustrated and tired from the latest battle between father and son, leaving her, as always, in the middle to mediate, watched as a stranger, a curiously familiar young woman, reached out to touch her son’s face. Dale noticed that the young woman wore capri pants in the latest fashion, something her husband Don had forbidden her to wear. It’s not proper. I don’t care what they’re doing in Atlanta, he told her. Without understanding why she needed to return to her son so suddenly but knowing that she did, Dale Palmer apologized to the bearish barber again.

“I’m sure we’ll be back,” she said and left the barbershop.

Donny waited under the awning, grinning oddly at his mother. There was no sign of the young woman with short hair who had touched her son’s face with such affection.

“Who was that?” Dale Palmer asked her son.

“Some lady,” Donny replied, turning from his mother and the offer of her umbrella. “Said she liked my hair.”

Donny Palmer had a pretty face for a sixteen-year-old boy: the eyelashes, the yielding blue eyes, the smooth, clear skin of his mother, the fine fair hair that fell well past his ears to the collar of his shirt. While most of the boys of Lake Claire wanted to be like Aaron, Alou, or Matthews as they cracked balls into the hot, humid air of Fulton County Stadium, Donny wanted to be a Beatle. Ever since he, like seventy-three million others in America, had gotten his first glimpse of The Beatles on The Ed Sullivan Show, Donny felt something stir inside that he could hardly name, an enthusiasm that rose up from within and brought tears to his eyes as it swelled to a scream. He had no idea why, but he knew he wanted to keep that feeling. Watching The Beatles sing on television in their neat black suits as they strummed guitars, heads bobbing, Cuban heels tapping to the backbeat, Donny wanted to jump around. It was a fantastic noise, not unlike music on the Negro station he heard when their housekeeper Mrs. Jackson thought no one was around. Listening to The Beatles gave Donny the idea there was something beyond the borders of Ball County, beyond the stifling walls of his father’s house and the needy hands of his coddling mother. When Donny heard The Beatles, he danced, and not the dances he had been forced to learn at junior cotillion where, dressed in dinner jacket and dark trousers, he hid in gymnasium corners waiting for the evening to end. In his bedroom, Donny danced like the kids on American Bandstand, where everyone danced together, where stylish city kids knew the latest hit songs and pretty girls cried out for pop stars like The Lovin’ Spoonful, The Turtles, and Love. Donny couldn’t stop himself and he didn’t care. He didn’t care that his father had forbidden him to listen to The Beatles or any music like it.

“What good could possibly come from that nonsense?” Donny’s father asked.

Donny didn’t care that only days before his father had taken the few records he had ordered from a shop in Atlanta and burned them all in an oil drum out back. He didn’t care that his father was planning to lead a Stamp Out The Beatles campaign in Lake Claire in response to a Datebook magazine story in which John Lennon said The Beatles were more popular than Jesus Christ.

“No one, you hear me, no one’s bigger than Jesus,” Don Senior preached.

Donny didn’t care that his father had ordered him to have his hair cut before he returned from a sales trip to Atlanta on Friday, because on Thursday a strange, pretty woman with dark hair who knew The Beatles said she liked his haircut, and that was enough for him.

Don Palmer, Senior, had disliked The Beatles from the moment he first saw them on television. He sat behind his son and wondered aloud what sort of baloney Donny watched.

“What do they call that racket?”

“They’re from England,” Donny answered, not taking his eyes from the television. Don Senior, lead salesman at Quality Stone Supply, alderman, usher at Mt. Zion Baptist Church, and a man who thought no music finer than a Roger Williams number, believed English fellows in tight, shiny suits like monkeys on show, their hair cut long and dandyish like Dr. Tweedy’s boy, who had the body of a man and the mind of an idiot, were surely a temporary foolishness. It was possible, he conceded, the English hooligans were worse even than the crude black singers he’d seen shaking and shrieking under a giant tent out by the fairgrounds last summer, the many and varied voices of the devil inhabiting the bodies of a hundred Negroes so they too shook like the possessed. As The Beatles grew in popularity, and Don heard more of them in his own house and around town, he liked them less — the screech of electric guitars and the hypnotizing effect the longhairs had on his mollycoddle son.

“I’ve had enough of this noise,” Don finally told his son. “How am I supposed to rid Lake Claire of this garbage when my own son’s parading around town looking more like a girl than a boy?”

Don watched his son’s head bob back and forth like a jack-in-the-box freshly popped, inches from the television. Donny’s hair hung in his eyes, fell below his ears, and curled at the back. Such a susceptible nature behind those weak blue eyes. Donny had the soft features of Dale’s father, a yielding man who had surrendered easily to a death of something Don could never remember: infection, pneumonia, obstruction. Don had tried to interest his son in those summer activities he knew and loved so well: baseball, and with the Braves so close by in Atlanta; Hemingway’s Nick Adams stories; and the rewards of youth ministry. But God had provided him with a different son: a girlish, gawking boy, who bobbed his head back and forth to the clatter of electric guitars. Preacher Avery suggested to Don that God wanted him to love his son no matter the differences, this was a new generation of kids, and that was all right. But Don recalled his relationship with his own father, a man who expected a son to carry on the traditions of his elders. Was this not the way families worked? Despite his irritation with Donny, Don tried to understand his son’s passions, but he also knew that as his father it was his responsibility to intervene when he felt the boy was being misled. Certainly this infatuation with a boy band was temporary, just like the electric guitars they played. And even as he searched his heart for the love he knew Christ encouraged, he could not remove the image of his bob-bobbing son.

“He looks like a bird,” he told Dale, hardly a sympathetic ear when it came to his concerns about her only son. Watching Donny bounce before him, Don was embarrassed, though he tried not to be, and he wanted to smack his son’s bob-bobbing head, which he did, his hand like a snake striking and faster than he could stop it, as if his hand had shot out from somewhere behind him, someone else’s hand, someone else’s girlish boy fueling his rage with half-witted dancing about. Just as quickly, he pulled his hand back with the snap of regret. Surely God encouraged his lessons in obedience and modesty but what good did it do to hit the boy? His son just looked so wayward, moving in front of the TV as if under a spell, not turning to look at his father when he was addressed and finally struck.

“Donny, are you ignoring me? If all this music does is encourage disrespect, then I think you’ll understand when I turn it off,” Don said.

“No sir,” Donny answered without turning around, his shoulders tensed in anticipation of what might come next. “I don’t mean any disrespect. It’s just I don’t want to miss this.”

“Well, look at me when I’m talking to you.”

When his son turned to face him in silence, Don intended to tell him it was about time he had his hair cut, too, feeling his hand rise at his side, ready to strike again. But the boy’s watery eyes, barely visible beneath his bangs, left Don despairing of his defiant son. He felt cheated by the boy’s refusal to acknowledge him or the slap across the back of his head. His mother’s son. Dale’s babying of the boy had been a sore point between them since he was born — hadn’t his own father’s sense of discipline better prepared Don for the realities of life? Don felt weakened by the stranger before him, at odds with and abandoned by a wife gone soft.

“I don’t want to hear any more in this house. You hear?” Don said.

“You can’t...” Donny turned to his father.

“Sure I can,” Don said. “As your father, it’s my responsibility to keep this sort of Godless trash out of our home. You think I burned your records for the fun of it? I didn’t like it anymore than you did, but sometimes a father has to do unpleasant things in the hopes his children will grow up decent.”

“But Dad...”

“Starting... right... now.” Don reached over his pouting son’s shoulder and switched off the television with as much fuss as the little knob allowed. “And come Friday,” he said, “you’re going to cut your hair. When I get back from Atlanta, I want to see your hair cut, you hear. If your mother won’t take you, I will. And you better believe it will be a haircut fit for a boy.”

Don returned to his chair and his newspaper, relaxing with the satisfaction that he had finally put a stop to his son’s disrespect. But Donny turned back to the dark television in silence, his head resuming its aggravating bounce as if the music still played. Not for the first time, Don silenced his rage with thoughts of Mary Hooks: daydreams of her mouth as she chewed slowly at the caramels he bought her settled him in a state of impatient pleasure, each sensation of her driving his desire for another.

When Don first realized his feelings for the supply clerk who processed his sales orders, he was surprised by how hungry he was, by how much pleasure he found when he finally let himself go to her bed. He must have been famished, he reckoned. Surely God would recognize his need for the affections of a woman, even if she wasn’t his wife. It was not something he could talk about with Preacher Avery, not like he did about Donny. He reasoned the guilt he suffered upon leaving her house, the very stealth of his entry and exit, was God’s punishment enough. And each night he prayed for forgiveness and guidance. What was he supposed to do? He loved the girl, loved every inch of her. Don loved Dale too, but he could not recall ever feeling as high as he did when he was with Mary — a sky-scraping sensation of matchless joy. There was life in that girl. In weaker moments, Don actually let himself imagine a time and place, in another city, another state, where he and Mary might finally be joined under God’s eyes.

Don’s mother had been a distant woman who spent her days in Bible study and charity work, though she never seemed to share her dedication with Don. He married Dale in part because she seemed so different from his mother, attentive and devoted to him and their home. But after Donny was born, her attentions shifted to her son, and the interest she had once saved for him never returned. Once he fell for Mary, Don gradually withdrew from Dale, finding either exhaustion or frustration or both stealing any desire he might have felt for her. There was little pleasure when he went to her in the darkness of their bedroom, no newness in her body. And not a word from her, as if she were merely fulfilling a duty. Don knew too that Dale would not do the things Mary did, never unearth in him the bliss buried within for so long. Don wondered with some irritation whether she was watching the same idiocy on television.

He still hadn’t forgiven her asking him for The Beatles tickets. What in hell could she hear in that so-called music? She had been dizzy with excitement — seen usually upon the gift of a new appliance — when she asked him. Can you, Don? Can you get me those tickets? I’ll do just anything to see The Beatles in Atlanta. And then, when the God-awful noise came over the transistor radio by her bed, she turned it up so loud his whole mood was ruined. A gift from him, too, that radio. He endured the same foolishness from Donny, but it was Mary’s request that sent his uppers and lowers into a grinding clash so his neck and jaw troubled him the next day. He would have to put his foot down about the music, a small favor she could surely do for him. Hadn’t she had her eye on a jadeite-green waffle iron from Rival?

Mary Hooks, age twenty-two, stone supply clerk and Beatles fan, convinced her lover Don Palmer, Senior, to get tickets for her and a girlfriend when The Beatles played the new stadium in Atlanta. At first he had refused, upset with her over the small request. But Mary Hooks had learned at fifteen how to quiet men. And Don was no different. Don was a real puppy dog, though he could hardly look her in the eyes afterwards. She knew he believed God looked down on them with displeasure, that what they did was a sin. She also knew Don would not resist, just as she could not resist the spark of joy she recognized in his eyes when she came to him. There was goodness in Don, such that she let herself believe him when he offered promises of marriage, a life together one day — so often made as he searched her naked body with his eyes, reluctant, it seemed, to touch her, as if she were some hallowed ground that might disappear if his eyes left her.

Other men she had known were all as easily quieted. As a teenager there had been boys in high school, a few from the junior college in Columbus, and one from the chemical supply. There were strangers, too, older men of business on the road. Mary was eager to indulge a few restless nights when it felt okay, less of a sin under the light of loneliness, her father long gone, her mother dead, the aunt who raised her always too tired to be any sort of genuine company. And then Don: such a serious man in brown trousers and starched white shirt, always a tie, who came undone with the slightest affection, who claimed his love like no other could. He bought her things. He got her tickets to see The Beatles in Atlanta. All she had to do in return was a few small favors.

“I want to hear The Beatles, please,” Donny told Mary from the other side of the screen door, rain coming down around him. When he looked at her with watery blue eyes, Mary Hooks knew she was going to cross a line that was about more than maintaining small favors and finding a new Featherweight sewing machine in the mail.

“I’m supposed to be getting my hair cut, and my dad gets back tonight,” Donny added before stepping up into Mary’s two-bedroom bungalow, as if with this information she might reconsider letting him inside. “He’s going to kill me if I don’t do what he asked,” Donny said, still inside the doorway.

Mary wondered herself what Don might do. Over the course of their love affair, now six months deep, she had endured endless complaints about his son. She wondered why such little things like a haircut and electric guitar music were worth souring a relationship with your only son.

“I’m sure he’ll come around. He’s just... I mean, I’m sure he’s just old-fashioned, that’s all. Give him time.” She held out her hand. “You’re soaked. Let me get you a towel.”

“Thanks. You want a cherry sour?” Donny offered her the bag.

“Aren’t you sweet,” Mary said, taking the bag from him, a few of the candies spilling to the kitchen floor.

“Now, that towel. You want something to drink? Iced tea, milk? I got chocolate syrup.”

“No, I mean... no, thank you. I just want to hear The Beatles, please. You said I could hear The Beatles.” Donny shuffled from foot to foot, nearly dancing before the music had been played.

Mary brought Donny a towel that smelled of jasmine. “You want to sit down?”

Donny ran the towel over his head and arms, and sat down on Mary’s Chippendale sofa, faded rose damask more at home in her aunt’s house. But as soon as she had put the needle down on the A-side of The Beatles’ new single, “Paperback Writer,” Donny stood to dance. He moved with an abandon she had rarely seen from folks in Lake Claire. She marveled at the freedom the boy, so nervous in her doorway with his bag of cherry sours, displayed in her living room, hardly aware, it seemed to her, he was in a stranger’s house. Donny’s arms, legs, and feet moved wildly, his head bounced as if it might fly off at any minute, and his eyes remained shut. His face revealed an easy joy Mary recognized as the same she had seen from Don when she kissed him. The stereo needle lifted automatically from the record, and Donny beamed at Mary, sweat glistening on his smooth, hairless face.

“Play it again.”

Mary obliged, replacing the arm of her Magnavox stereo console, a present from Don three months earlier. She returned to the sofa and watched Donny dance again, his long blond hair whipping in the air, his eyes closed as he absorbed the music. When the song had finished again, Mary put on the B-side, “Rain,” and moved with the rhythm of the otherworldly song, enjoying the sense of a previously unimagined place far from Lake Claire, the jangle and thump of guitar and drum, the drone of ghostly voices in harmony like she had never ever heard. With thoughts of otherworldly rain, so unlike the dismal steady soaking that came down around them, Mary reached carefully for the boy, finding behind girlish bangs the same hunger she had seen in his father’s eyes, the same hunger that drew her to them all.

Can you hear me? John Lennon sang in a voice of vapor and mystery.

Driving southwest along Interstate 85 from Atlanta, Don Senior’s thoughts were on Mary Hooks as he hummed Frank Sinatra’s “Strangers in the Night,” and indulged in thoughts of her rosy skin, her dark hair, the curve of her lips, the way her pants fit her narrow hips, and the false eyelashes she had begun to wear that reminded Don of Brigitte Bardot. He had picked up the Sinatra single for Mary in Atlanta; he planned to play it for her when he stopped by as a surprise before going home. A steady drizzle kept the summer dusk gray, but Don had the car window down. He enjoyed the cool, wet breeze, one Tareyton after another, and a bottle of Old Crow he had planned to open with Mary but, in a good mood, opened early, taking long drinks from the quart bottle. Don wasn’t a drinker, but he knew Mary liked a taste now and then, and, like his father, he believed the occasional nip good for the body. By the time he turned off of I-85 onto a two-lane state road, however, Don had finished a third of the Old Crow and smoked half a pack of cigarettes. With the easy rhythms of the Sinatra song in his head, the warmth of bourbon in his belly, and the idea of Mary waiting for him, Don smiled, right hand on the wheel, his left holding a cigarette out the window as a cool mist fell across his arm.

In her bed again, the smell of jasmine would stir him, the sight of her often more than he could take without his throat tightening so he could hardly breathe. For this he would lie to Dale and probably later have to cover for that lie and the one before it too, his list of fictions long enough that most wives would have already stumbled upon the obvious. Not Dale. Before returning home, Don would have to smoke at least another half-dozen cigarettes to hide Mary’s perfume. And he managed their checking account, not that Dale ever looked, to hide the money he spent somewhat recklessly on Mary: from bottles of peach brandy to the chiffon housecoats and the latest appliances from General Electric and Zenith she pined for. All of this for the love of a short-haired supply clerk named Mary Hooks.

When they had listened to “Rain” three more times, dancing slowly to the last two, Mary pulled a record from a stack on top of the stereo cabinet and placed it on the turntable. She took Donny by the hand and pulled him towards her bedroom as the first strains of “I’ve Just Seen a Face” came through the console speakers. Mary was no fool; she knew where this evening led, and she knew it was wrong. Yet the desire she saw in the boy’s face, whether for the simple pleasure of dancing in her living room, away from the repressive air of his father’s house, or some more fundamental yearning, driven by curiosity and nature, was irresistible. Mary could satisfy that hunger, which filled a hole that always threatened to tear her in two. In quieter moments, when she surrendered to a head-hanging shame for the things she had done, she wondered what devils her parents had been, what sins they had committed and left for her to bear. It was then she wanted most to drown in her troubled waters, to put an end to her own longing, to fill the hole up with red clay and silence.

Donny stopped and smiled in recognition, his blue eyes wide with gratitude and a flicker of hesitation. “Rubber Soul,” he said. “My mother gave me this record last Christmas, just like I asked. Made my father madder than hell.”

“Your mother sounds like a very nice lady.” Mary smiled at him again. Outside, the rain came down harder; thunder growled overhead.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Donny said, his stomach knotting at the thought of his mother at home. Donny looked beyond Mary to her bedroom and back to her, a question on his lips he could not ask. He guessed what might happen in there, but his feet seemed fixed to the pineboard floors. Dancing with Mary, Donny felt swaddled in the scent of her, a scent he couldn’t name, though it felt as familiar and calming to him as the smell of his mother’s dressing room. With the curl of her hair on his neck, her breath in his ear, and the sound of rain outside and in, Donny felt at home and wondered how he would ever return to his parents’ house.

Mary held out her hand to him. “Don’t worry, honey. I won’t burn your records.”

Outside Mary Hooks’ kitchen door, Don Palmer, Senior, stood in the rain with the bottle of Old Crow and a bag of caramels in one hand and the Sinatra record in the other, listening to the heavy beat of rock-’n’-roll music and grinding his top canines into his bottom ones. When he tried the door, he found it locked. Peering in through the kitchen window, Don saw no one. But hearing the sound of rock-’n’-roll music drained the pleasure he had nurtured on the drive home right out of him. He had cautioned Mary about listening to such garbage, this hoax on the ears, this foreign fashion — for wasn’t that all it was, a fad — but here she was, behind his back, doing just that. He held his finger on the doorbell for nearly a minute so she might hear it over the music. When Mary finally answered the door, the music had stopped and she stood there as if he might be a traveling salesman trying to unload a vacuum cleaner.

“It’s me, Mary-girl. What’s going on?” Don’s face had gone red, his jaw locked so in aggravation he didn’t notice she bit nervously at her bottom lip.

“You’re back.” Mary opened the kitchen door, but the screen door stood between them.

“Of course I’m back, honey. It’s Friday, like I told you. I’m getting soaked out here.”

“Of course. Just... I wasn’t expecting you.” She straightened her blouse, clutching it at its neck, unlatched the screen door for him, and let him inside. She smelled the whiskey on him.

“I know. I wanted to surprise you. Got you something from Atlanta.” He pulled the Sinatra record from a paper bag.

“That’s nice. Have you been drinking? That’s not like you.” Mary moved to the kitchen where she put on a pot of water to boil, hardly listening to Don at all.

“I only had a taste of this Old Crow I bought for us to share. Just enough to put me in a fine mood — that is, until I heard that racket. You know how I feel.”

“This isn’t exactly a good time, Don. I’m not feeling so good. All this rain, I guess.” Mary kept her back to Don as she fumbled with teacups.

Sensing an unusual nervousness in his mistress’s behavior, Don offered her a candy from his bag of caramels as a peacemaker. Since he was already at her house, he didn’t see the harm in wrapping himself in her intoxicating smells and staying longer than he had planned. He would just have to dream up a bigger lie for Dale when he got home.

“Well, I got something might make you feel a whole lot better. You’re going to love this so much more than that noise. Bring us a couple of glasses and some ice. And sit down, I don’t need any tea.” Don moved to the living room, sitting down on the sofa as if he lived there.

The bag of cherry sours on her coffee table gave Don Palmer his second feeling of out-of-placeness. He couldn’t figure out if it was he who felt out of place or the bag of cherry sours. He had never seen Mary Hooks eat anything but caramels and this bag of cherry sours looked like they had just then been plopped down on her coffee table and offered up.

“I didn’t know you liked cherry sours,” Don said, picking up the bag of candy, examining it as if the answer might be inside.

“I didn’t,” she said, “but I do now. I’ve had enough of caramels, anyhow.”

“Is that so?”

“It is,” Mary answered. “A person needs change once in a while.”

“Is that so?” A familiar resentment rose in Don’s throat as he recalled the music he had heard coming from her living room.

“It ain’t Christian.”

“What?”

“That music.”

“And this is?” Mary could hardly believe the words spilling from her mouth. But she recognized their truth.

“What’s that?”

“You and me. That’s Christian?”

“You know what I mean.

“Just saying, that’s all.”

Don didn’t like the defiance he recognized in his Mary’s face. “Just saying,” he said. “What’s gotten into you? Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong, because you know I’ll do anything for you, honey. Didn’t I get you those tickets, even though you know how much I hated the notion of you sitting inside a baseball stadium, of all places, listening to that abomination?”

Don was right. Mary didn’t know what had gotten into her. She was scared; she felt like someone had come along and loosened up her head so all the pieces of it fell to the floor and she only had time to pick them up in a scramble, not one fitting together like it had before. Why had she encouraged the boy to come to her house? What good could possibly come from his being there? And how many times had she asked herself these same questions when she had encouraged other men to do the same? And Don loved her so. What devils drove her to invite his son into her home? Something was coming to an end tonight, but Mary was afraid to see just what it might be. From the kitchen, she felt detached from Don in the other room, his words like a voice on television, unreal and far away.

When Don realized the cherry sours weren’t Mary’s — he wasn’t sure how he knew, but he knew — he stood up too quickly, the taste of whiskey rising in his throat and leaving him feeling sick. He noticed Mary’s bedroom door was closed. Who would she close the door to?

“What’s going on, Mary?” Don’s sense of out-of-placeness grew. “Is somebody here?”

“What do you mean?” she answered from the kitchen. “Of course not, Don.” She steadied herself against the kitchen counter.

“Good Lord, Mary, if you’re lying to me,” he said and went looking, determined, nearly delirious with the sureness of finding something he hadn’t expected.

From the moment Don found his only son in Mary Hooks’ closet, all felt like a memory just out of reach, fuzzy and quick, a confusion he couldn’t quite sort out, as he watched himself from the outside: the quiet and determined rage that settled over his body — this was God’s punishment, he understood; a cool sweat and a subtle ache in his bones that left him feeling later as if he had come down with a cruel summer cold — drained; to the car, dragging the boy by his arm, leaving a bruise like a three-fingered plum; and home where he sat Donny down in the kitchen, holding him in the chair with one remarkably strong hand as he tied his son’s arms and legs; the hunt for scissors — in the gift-wrapping drawer, Dale answered, confused and sleepy from a nap — and the way Donny’s fine hair fell to the ground in great crescent-moon glides, piles of it scattered across Dale’s spotless linoleum; the screams of a mother; the silent but sure wrath of a father; and the dark red blood of a boy that spilled to the floor as scissors met flesh.

What Dobs Found Where the Cul-de-sac Met the Railroad Tracks

What Dobs found where the cul-de-sac met the railroad tracks was so twisted and bruised it no longer looked human, he told anyone who asked. Cut clean in two by a Southern, I suspect. Dobs found Donny Palmer as the rest of Lake Claire listened on the radio to the Atlanta Braves play baseball. And that included most of the boys in Lake Claire. They were supposed to be out searching for Donny; but it would have to wait for the game. There was no sense of urgency even after he had been missing a full day. Many figured Donny-Mop, the nickname he had been given for his over-the-ears and curled-at-the-neck hair, not to forget the bangs all the way beyond his eyebrows and nearly so he couldn’t see at all, had left town altogether, already an unbalanced teen driven by the whims of a changing nation. Always a quiet boy, most figured he had simply wandered off to Atlanta or worse. When Dobs found Donny, it felt like a run of bad luck through a good place. And a week later the people of Lake Claire found themselves a villain in Carmello the Barber.

Inside Carmello’s Barbershop the forty-six-year-old barber bent over the head of a frightened teen. Carmello’s giant hairy hand held him still in the chair, a leather strop fitted across his legs, while the other hand gripped electric shears that brought down the girlishly long locks like a thresher across a field of hay. The teenager wailed like a little boy, his father watching with a mixture of satisfaction and alarm as the giant Italian yelled, Boys is boys is boys is boys... as if to convince himself as well as others. From across the street citizens of Lake Claire saw a large immigrant barber standing anxiously in the doorway watching and waiting for adolescent heads to cut, business slow and passions aroused.

It Was No Surprise to Anyone

No one thought much about the haircut — Donny’s hair was freshly shorn when they found him — including Sheriff Gerdts, who didn’t even note the detail in his report. Until two days later when King Roper pointed out that Donny had been seen in front of Carmello’s refusing to have his hair cut just a day before he disappeared. And it came as no surprise to anyone in Lake Claire, including, once again, Sheriff Gerdts, that Carmello DeNino had been griping up a storm about the boys of Lake Claire who no longer came for his chair, his scissors, and his razor. Carmello DeNino, a foreigner, and who knew what went through the mind of an Italian with the face of Stalin and a head like a pumpkin.

“Don’t you find that surprising?” King Roper asked Don Palmer.

But Don hardly grunted a response, his mind, to King Roper and others, at least, lost in grief, his only son so brutally taken. Only Mary Hooks wondered at the coincidence of Donny Palmer’s death to the events at her house. And she didn’t do that long, keeping her thoughts to herself, because Mary took to the road with a young rock-’n’-roll band from Macon, leaving Don Palmer and Lake Claire, Georgia, for good.

Four days after Donny Palmer’s body was found, word spread that Sheriff Gerdts had gone to Carmello DeNino with questions. And then it took less than twelve hours before a posse of fathers, mothers, and those who had simply quickened at the flurry of righteousness blowing through Lake Claire gathered at King and Jane Roper’s house to make sure no evil went unfound or unpunished. These were their children. From the Ropers’ house it took less than two minutes in a steady rain to ride in cars and trucks to the DeNino home, where Caterina DeNino listened to her husband’s booming protests in Italian about the ridiculous questions Sheriff Gerdts had asked him in regard to the poor boy who had fallen under the wheels of a Southern locomotive.

“No accident, he says. Murder, he calls it. These boys no longer come for my chair. So what if I complain nobody wants a haircut like boys should have? Why does this Mr. Sheriff Gerdts ask me? Carmello DeNino is a barber. I cut hair, not little boys.”

Caterina heard the rumble of cars outside and knew why they had come. She had wondered when this day would arrive and here it had. Her husband refused to recognize himself as a foreigner in this dull place, but they hadn’t. Carmello opened the door to see what caused such noise outside his home. His beefy body filled the doorframe; with the light of the house behind him and a curtain of rain in front, his silhouette stood like Frankenstein’s monster, the right of his barber’s hands holding out the day’s newspaper he read each night to practice his English. He raised his arm and opened his mouth to speak to the crowd that had gathered on his lawn and in the street.

Sheriff Gerdts closed the case of Donny Palmer’s murder just as he did the case of Carmello DeNino’s murder. It was simple. In his mind, in everyone’s mind, it all added up, and Lake Claire settled back into the summer of 1966. The citizens of Lake Claire who were present at the shooting all insisted Carmello DeNino had pointed a gun, or at least something that looked like a gun, when someone, no one was saying who, fired a shotgun from the street that cut the big Italian barber in half and left buckshot in the pale green armchair behind him. Don Palmer was remembered for his own pleas for calm outside Carmello’s house, his cool head in the midst of such grief and anger. Pastor Avery pointed out Don’s willingness to forgive, as God asks of us, while others noted Don’s own modesty in the wake of his heroics. Hank Aaron hit forty-four home runs by the close of September and Tony Cloninger threw twenty-seven wild pitches. A few teenaged boys left town for college and university and only then grew their hair out long. A few others wound up fighting Communist guerrillas in Southeast Asia, Lake Claire losing three boys to the conflict in Vietnam. Caterina DeNino returned to Italy a widow, where she learned to speak again and forgot the people of Lake Claire, Georgia. Mary Hooks left her Georgia rock band for San Francisco, where her pacifist boyfriend accidentally beat her to death only two days into the new year. As a New Year’s resolution to settle sins of the past, Mary had written a letter of confession and apology to Dale Palmer. It began, I suppose it was the sweets at first... And Dale Palmer, who never read Mary’s note, scrubbed at the linoleum of her kitchen floor from morning to night each day until her husband finally had her admitted to the state hospital in Milledgeville. In the fall, Don Palmer led the Stamp Out The Beatles campaign in Lake Claire, just as he had promised, a renewed fervor in his convictions. A ghostly glaze over his eyes suggested to Lake Claire residents that this ordinary man made extraordinary by unimaginable loss had replaced grief with a profound faith in God’s goodness, with a selfless devotion to service in God’s name. Nobody’s bigger than Jesus, he preached again, convincing twenty-four kids to contribute their board games, records, pins, stickers, stamps, plates, and photographs to a bonfire that rose roof-high.

©2009 by Christopher Bundy

Content

Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine. Vol. 133, No. 5. Whole No. 813, May 2009

Off Paper by Patricia McFall

Wake Me Up for Meals by Bev Vincent

Dummy by Brian Muir

The Jury Box by Jon L. Breen

Identity Theft by Jon L. Breen

Without Anesthesia by Maceias Nunes

Shining Rock by Blake Crouch

667, Evil and Then Some by Marilyn Todd

For the Jingle by Jack Fredrickson

Unruly Jade by Terence Faherty

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2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

L’Etang du Diable by Caroline Benton

For the Love of Mary Hooks by Christopher Bundy