McCreary Declan

Pandemic: We've Run Out of Toilet Paper!

Declan McCreary

PANDEMIC

WE’VE RUN OUT OF TOILET PAPER!

Day 14: Two weeks into the worst pandemic modernity has seen and I’m pretty bored. The electricity went out after the first week so of course with it went the internet and my prime source of entertainment. The next week you can only meditate and read so much before you simply crave information or some kind of human contact. I’ve got enough food and water to last me another 2 ½ months, I was prepared supplies wise, though I always figured it would have been some kind of water crisis which kept me cooped up in my place. The couch barricades the door, so I just decided to stay put until the virus ran its course or a cure was found. There wasn’t a lot of information that first week but I could hear people leaving and screaming from their apartments, there weren’t even government emergency camps that I know of. And now I’m realizing that all the food and water still leaves me ill-prepared, a lack of social input is paralyzing my mind and dragging me down into an existential malaise which no whisky can remove. Time stretches, each second expanding longer than the last, each moment a deranged glimpse of the next—the only thing that is real is watching the water slowly run low. I can measure my achievements by the empty bean cans, empty fruit cups, crushed beer cans, and the used candy wrappers. I figure I’ll stay here until I have a couple days’ worth of food and water and then take off, look for my family, my girlfriend, anyone who isn’t trying to cut me up.

I know my neighbors upstairs are still there, I can hear them chattering in low whispers on occasion, but it’s their footsteps which really give them away. I hear the crackle of a radio, must be battery powered, and it might also have news, information about the outside world. My interest is piqued, giddy even but afraid to go and contact them. They could be armed; maybe they’ll assume I’m a marauder. What the hell is a marauder though and what would I even want, I just want to know the news or anything really. I’m also reticent because I don’t want to buddy up to them, I’ve got plenty of supplies and they might not have any, that’s the only reason I haven’t went out looking for people. I just didn’t realize the intensity of the human pull.

I put my Santoku knife in my belt behind my shirt on the backside, just in case. Damn thing isn’t even very sharp, and it’s a terrible stabbing knife, my reckoning however is that it’s a lot more terrifying to go up against a man with a knife than one without so may as well. I’m mostly muscle, lean, not large by any standard but I’m fast and when I squint my eyes I kind of look like a less badass Clint Eastwood. I head upstairs slowly but with purpose imaging what I’ll say and how they’ll respond. I imagine first them screaming, then bullets blasting through the door and they scream, “Get the fuck out you mother fucker!” I knock on the door. Silence, I knock again, crouch and say, “I’m from downstairs, I heard your radio and I just want to know what’s going on, if there are any points of interest or army camps setup.”

“We don’t have any food or water, go away,” I hear somewhat muffled.

“I don’t want your stuff, I just want to know if you heard anything on the radio,” I respond thinking this might be a bad idea. I stand there starting to sweat, it runs down around my eye and I start to really feel the heat out here, it’s been absolutely brutal without A/C, now add not having the water running for the past week and you got yourself a fine mixture for feeling real pretty. Anyways, the silence goes on so I knock again and repeat my request.

“All we’ve heard is survivalist nuts making racist jokes and saying you’re all fucked, this is god’s punishment, bullshit like that. Do you have any food or water?” they yell through the door.

“That’s it? No, I only have a couple days’ worth left. They didn’t say anything about which cities are still functioning, any reports about the virus, casualties, cures, anything else?” I reply taken aback.

“That’s it, go away, leave us alone.”

I head back downstairs through the thickness of heat, rotten food, mixed in with what I can only imagine is a rotting carcass behind one of these lucky doors. I haven’t really stopped to think about it before, but the misery and complete lack of anything good has become palpable, you can smell it in the air. Life hasn’t even smelled like this before, it means something, it smells as if a new age has arrived—I’m not the religious type but there is a categorical difference here.

I unlock the door, I’ve always been a stickler for locked doors, but only now has it actually become a life and death matter. An unlocked doors means you get raped and robbed at night, or so I imagine. Before all the fun and games it might have been your elderly Jewish neighbor wandering in asking for some sugar. O’ how interesting and deathly without levity things have become.

Day 19: 626 steps if I walk only along my walls, I’ve counted 58 times now. I’ve counted the floor boards in the hardwood floors, 1,283. I’ve taken the television apart and tried to put it back together, I’ll never know if I succeeded though. Food and water looks different, there’s less of it. The bathroom is like a place if you took all the hipsters of San Francisco, put them inside of a dog kennel, fed them the worst organic diarrhea inducing burritos for a week and had them all shit on the same toilet at the same time. I don’t even sit on it anymore; I just sort of crouch over it hoping to god my body doesn’t touch it anymore. You can’t flush when there’s no running water. Before this all went down I used to imagine it and it sounded fun, I legitimately thought my life was so boring that it needed a veritable global pandemic to make it interesting. I was so egoistic that my boredom demanded a global crisis to alleviate any existential ennui. Now that I’m finally on the greener grass side of the fence, I have to say, it really sucks and I say so unabashedly. I was wrong before, I prefer dull and clean to dull and rotten. My beard is getting pretty gnarly; I can smell my balls without even having to take my pants off, even in a standing position. I’m constantly itchy, my head is like some kind of ant hill of activity without the bugs, I fantasize about removing all the skin, just tearing it off so it would stop fucking itching. Eating only canned beans, fruits, peas, chili, tomato sauce, cold soups, and various packaged goods like dried ramen gets old fast. I was never a gourmand; in fact I made fun of my yuppie douche bag friends who obsessed about food but this has taken me to a new level of desire. Just a simple fucking sandwich, with turkey, tomato, cheese, lettuce, mayo, and some solid non shitty bread-a freshly made sandwich-what I would give for it. I’d kill my neighbors for it, maybe, probably, certainly, maybe not.

Humans evolved to run, jump, and move. All I do is pace which is better than nothing, but not enough. The only things keeping me sane are Anna Karenina, one of the few books I have in my collection that I haven’t finished, meditating, and looking out my window. There’s nothing to see from the window, it’s essentially a small plot between apartment buildings with your usual assortment of junk and plywood. As if the universe had in mind a very particular assemblage of various shit that all plots of land of this variety must have, a strange occurrence. I also write, I’ve been writing some erotica, to which I later jerk off too. I wrote one called Sexy Sorority Robot Time Machine Dinosaur Adventures. I figured I may as well make it funny as well, I haven’t really laughed since all this started except the usual chuckle at the absurd, it helps prevent suicide.

Day 38: 2, that’s how many shits I used to take per day. Now I just shit diarrhea constantly throughout the day. There are no known words in existence to describe the bathroom anymore; I can smell it throughout the entire apartment if the door is open. I’ve started to just shit and piss in a bucket and throw it out the window, fuck the police I say. They never did me no good anyhow and I don’t believe in victimless crimes anyways, so fuck order and sanitation, pretty much nothing matters anymore. I’m pretty sure there’s a new ecosystem growing on my balls, and I’m afraid to look at my asshole in the mirror for fear of finding intelligent life; my fear isn’t the life itself, but that they might be Klingon types who start to wage war on me. I don’t hear my neighbors upstairs anymore. A couple of nights ago I heard screaming upstairs, a door slamming, and then silence. I feel terribly lonely, I can’t shake a heavy feeling in my heart but it’s actually become quite difficult to discern various emotions at this point. Everything is mired with a kind of nausea, from the shitty food but also from facts; the fact of the world, the fact of my isolation, and the fact of my profound ignorance of what is currently happening anywhere else but here. My entire scope of reality has been severely limited to a studio apartment, my body, and my disordered mind. It’s a new kind of myopia, not medical, but pandemic. I look at the gallons of water I had collected before all this, I might have miscalculated before, or maybe not, I don’t really know, but it looks like I’m over halfway through the water, and water is more important than food. I try not to drink too much, but I find that I have constant headaches either way.

I’ve finished Anna Karenina, I won’t spoil it, I’ll just say it was a solid read and if you ever find yourself in a global pandemic, check it out. I can’t meditate anymore, you would think that having all this alone time you would get really good at it. However, it’s pretty damn hard when you are indescribably itchy, nauseated, headaches, stomachaches, and constant anal fallout. I amuse myself by singing songs that I don’t know the words too, giving speeches to high-schoolers about the value of the humanities, or yelling more intently at people for their voting behavior pre-collapse. On the bright side I haven’t had to answer any emails in the past month, or worry about work which is completely and thoroughly awesome. I suppose I never have to pay taxes again which is pretty sweet too, and I never get spam anymore-in fact I don’t even have to check my mail box. Overall though, I think these are small prices to pay for being able to shower and go outside. But you got to stay positive and negative. Between optimism and pessimism, both extremes serve to confuse the mind, one must use principles from each depending on the situation. So you might ask, what am I optimistic about, well I answered that, no more emails.

You must be wondering, well how does pessimism help, well that’s a great question. I always thought humans were completely fucking stupid and their underfunding of the CDC and the WHO would bite them in the ass, and when it finally happened I wasn’t even mad. Seneca urged us to imagine all the terrible things that could happen to us each day, to steel ourselves against the worst of it, so when it finally happens your mind is able to take it in stride. Well no matter how much you prepare, you cannot be ready for how itchy your asshole will be when you can’t stop projecting shit from it all day every day. I’ve also run out of moisturizing lotion, The Walking Dead never dealt with the real issues. I have half a year left of Claritin, but my eye drops are donzo’. Now in addition to all my other joys, itchy, runny, red eyes are a new constant.

Day 45: My grandma always told me that one of the defining traits of people is that they always adapt. I’m not sure I’m adapting well to be honest, I’m just eating and drinking more and more. Going outside isn’t an option unless it’s absolutely necessary, I hear the occasional murder screams-no thanks. I spend hours just sitting on my couch fidgeting looking up at the ceiling. I’ve chewed all my gum, trident orange flavored one, though I didn’t let it go to waste. I stick them all on my wall as a reminder of all the great things capitalism brought us in the days gone by. What could they sell us now?

It’s not the smell of my body or the loss of hope and decimation of any dreams I had for my life, but the incredible soul crushing loneliness that’s recently become my new raison d’être. In the absence of any pleasures and devoid of meaning, a little bit of sadness swirled with the desire for human touch becomes the thing that lifts you up—reminds you what you’re about. My family, my brother, my girlfriend, my friends, what’s become of them? I was so consumed with my own survival that it’s only just occurred to me. I walk over to my drawer in the hallway between the kitchen and living room. Probably mahogany but I never learned the difference. Opening the top drawer I take out a map and bring it to my writing table, shitty one from Ikea, and spread it out. I’m in LA, and Cleveland is pretty far. I’m completely useless at navigating without a GPS, technology ruined us all. I study the map, I-80, I-40, or I-70 seem to be my options, but I don’t have a car, though I have a feeling I’ll find one outside. I take out a sheet of paper and jot down things to bring, knife, backpack with the remaining food and water, spare clothing, and some other weapon. I’ve got a broken Swiffer stick which I duck-taped to a broken broom handle to extend its life, I guess that’ll have to do as my make-shift staff. May as well do this Mad Max style, you know, when in Rome. Better look the part, I make four pony tails with my shoulder length hair and decide to keep the beard, I once read some study that women find men with beards more aggressive; maybe it applies to men too. Anything to give me an edge, I’d rather not get skull-fucked because I cut my beard, you never know these days. I’ve got what looks like 13 days left of supplies, so may as well leave in 9, I can carry about 4 days’ worth of food and water in my backpack.

You’d be surprised the difference a plan can make. That’s the strength of people-imagination-we feel accomplished as long as we write things down; you can see it right here on this sheet of paper. It’s not ridiculous to ponder that maybe, just maybe that’s why humans are terribly awful at dealing with things when they don’t go according to plan.

Day 54: Viral pandemic check, crazy hair check, smell like shit check, knife check, backpack with supplies check, shoes tied tightly check, broken Swiffer/broom handle duck-taped together check, ready to fuck shit up, we’ll see. I open my door cautiously and the smell from before is gone. It’s been replaced with something truly atrocious, I stagger back inside from the scent slamming the door. It smells like a fat man who threw up on his own dick after running a 5k. I try again but this time run out my door, fly down the stairs, and jump over what in hindsight was a bloated corpse of the dude who must have ran the 5k. The feeling of the outside air and the sun on my skin is sexual, relaxation and hope vibrates down from the crown of my head to my toes—this feels good. I look up at slowly at the sky and note that the clouds are still there-trash is everywhere. First step, find a car with keys in it because let’s be frank Frank, I haven’t a fucking clue how to hot wire a car.

I step out from the buildings awning and look down the street. It hasn’t even been that long but already grass has started to take back what was once its own realm. A few cars are parked at odd angles. Some in the middle of the street, broken glass scattered here and there, I look up at the building across the street which has sheets streaming down from the windows, trash all along the side of the building.

“HEY YOU,” I jumped back frightened. I see a woman lean out of her window with a broom and she says “You got any food, put it on the ground and you don’t get shot.”

My mind reels back, calculating what’s happening. Is she crazy, has my vision gone, I squint, maybe it’s a laser rifle, no that’s dumb.

“Are you insane?” I scream back at her. Taking out my own Swiffer/broom combo and aiming at her, “I’ll blast you the fuck out of that window you dumb cunt!” giggling to myself.

A pop zings out as the ground at my feet explodes. It was my vision—I lurch forward sprinting like I’m back on my high school track team, 200 meters to get the hell out of her sights. I hear another shot and see the concrete flint right in front of me and I jump for cover behind a car.

“Drop your gear son, and you won’t get shot,” I hear faintly. I wonder if I knew her before things became awesome. I feel pretty panicked but I’m curious, maybe I held the door open for her when I went to the corner deli. What an asshole.

“I helped you before, just let me go!” I yell out, totally a wild card.

“How do you figure?” she asks.

“I held the door open for you.”

And then I bolt running as fast as my legs will carry me and round the corner. My heart feels tight—the adrenaline pumps do that, the feeling of fear is overwhelming. I see an Audi, looks like a model from 2002, the doors unlocked, hot damn. I get in, drop my backpack on the passenger seat and throw my “rifle” in the back seat. The seats are soft, leather, beige, and it has a nice used car smell, like new shoes but a little gentler. I lean the seat back and breathe in deeply, my stomach grows, chest expands and I release a long breath slowly. I’ll have to keep in mind that my vision might not be perfect anymore. I check my pockets for my eye-drops, empty, anger bubbles up at how itchy my eyes are. I used to compulsively check my pockets for my wallet, keys, and gum. Now it’s time for a little gift from god-the car keys. I check the glove compartment and I’m not making this up, first times a charm. I start the car and see that I have about a quarter tank of gas. I drive out and the feeling of accelerating forward isn’t exactly novel, but it certainly brings shivers to my spine. It’s wonderful, I floor it and get pulled back into my seat and my spirit soars; a feeling of jubilance cascades over my being like a cool waterfall.

I open all the windows and scream out, “Wooo hoooo!” laughing hysterically that I almost got shot for a backpack with water and food-oh how things have changed.

As I drive down the street swerving left and right to dodge the various debris and detritus I switch through the radio, static, static, static, and then I hear a voice, “And that’s what you call a three-fingered salami,” I think this is the survivalist nut-job talk show my neighbors were talking about, the guy rants about taxes and road kill for the next 15 minutes but it’s strangely soothing, just to hear the sound of a voice no matter how deranged.

I drive like I’ve never driven before-no speed limits-fuck the police; I drive just how I want to drive. Prime Directive: get on the highway and haul ass to Denver, see if my Dad is still alive, then make my way to Ohio and see if my Brother and Mother haven’t been decapitated, and then head to Boston to see if my girlfriend’s in one piece.

I pull into a gas station with a bit more optimism than is warranted, I don’t quite understand how the infrastructure works but I’m assuming the pumps still work. I park next to a pump and get out, look around. A cool breeze comes through as some papers fly by, a dog barks in the distance. I look inside the convenience store or kiosk, however you call it, windows smashed in and looted. I walk over to check it out and see if there’s anything I can scrounge. I have my Swiffer/Broom ready just in case, knife still in my belt. As I walk towards the door glass cracks underfoot and I get a slight hint of oil in the air, the door is ajar and I slowly step inside with caution. It’s completely silent; the floor is sticky, various drinks and snacks are spilled all over and old newspapers litter the counter. I grab one of them, it’s the LA Times and the front cover states Pandemic both Viral and Bacterial. Well shit, maybe all those antibiotics finally did screw things over royally, I always told my aunt that not everything needed a pill. I read the article and glean that in essence, the CDC and WHO couldn’t deal with a dual hitting combination of a highly deadly and contagious virus mixed with a new strain of Gonorrhea that was completely anti-biotic resistant, a perfect mixture of shit and suffering. I recall an interesting piece from The Atlantic, “Is America Ready for a Global Pandemic,” nope she sure as shit wasn’t. Do you reckon that people simply didn’t read enough of the journal? Why didn’t we heed their call, who was asleep at the wheel-thanks Obama—but really it was probably Trump’s fault.

Looking through the racks I see a few bags of chips left and inside the refrigerators are a couple of warm sodas. I grab what I can and walk back to the car, I think this is pretty cool, didn’t even have to pay. I try the pump, it’s still on and it seems like the station still has gasoline. I fill up and drive out of the station. Navigating my way towards the highway, eventually coming upon I-80 East I merge onto it. Well this is it, the cool wind blows my ponytails left and right and I can still smell my balls but it’s okay, I’m doing something with my life—what’s more important than family and lovers right?

The highway is relatively empty with the occasional burned out car and body, probably infected laying out being lazy. On further consideration I probably should have scored some CD’s or a music player or something, driving in silence is alright but I can actually feel a kind of musical void in my soul. I would kill for some Bill Withers or Nina Simone right now, maybe some classic Al Green, a little bit of My Girl here and there, but that’s the price you pay for freedom.

I drive and mentally map all the things I miss about the past but at the same time feel ecstatic that here I am driving a stolen-my new car-down the highway as fast as I want and that’s all I really have to do, just drive. We used to talk about freedom in the world before, it meant this, it meant that, there was positive and negative freedoms and we all argued about which laws took them away or increased them. Well let me tell you stranger, there’s no law or scripture which captures the present moment, flying down the pavement, four wheels in contact with the asphalt and my soul ethereally above it all not caring one bit about anything and everything.

I drive on for about forty five minutes carefree and just feeling swell and pretty, remembering the song Oh, Pretty Woman—I wish I could hear it one more time. Suddenly a number of cars and people run out from the trees surrounding the road forming a roadblock. I slow to a standstill, about 300 meters out from the block. I see about 10 men on foot carrying what I imagine are weapons but they look like more broomsticks, that’s what the apocalypse really was, a broomstick invasion. They might actually have AK-47s; I can vaguely make out an ammo clip. At this point I realize going forward isn’t an option, I don’t know who or what they want, but I reckon it’s nothing good. I drive the car around and start heading back the other way and right before my eyes I see the same thing occur in the other direction.

I panic; I’m boxed in, dead, soon to be raped and mangled and eaten. I look in the rearview mirror, outmanned, outgunned, outfucked. This is deadpool-guaranteed annihilation. I process every avenue of escape, pretty much all end up with a bloody asshole and my teeth kicked in. I might drive into the forest but this car isn’t going far and I can’t just do another 360, both sides are blocked and a bullet storm ensues no matter which way I go. I could try negotiating but that’s a pipe dream. The only real chance is to go full speed, duck down, and try to drive between the cars or around on the curb.

I can hear yelling from afar “Get out of the car and we won’t hurt you,” faintly, almost indecipherably. I can feel my penis retract into my body and my heart accelerates, my palms get moist. Do or die time this is. I lean back in my seat thinking up all the horrors they have in store for me, I take a look at my passenger seat, all for food and water, or do they want more than that? Anyways I suddenly really wish I could get out and take a piss in the trees to my left. I can’t say how many cars and people and how they are dressed, but I would wager they are what we would call marauders. They aren’t partial to dialog and thinking, rather they just like to get what they want, at least I think so and I’m not going to risk it.

Decisions, decisions, decisions, and I floor it back in the direction I came from. I see a weak point between two cars where it’s just a guy with a supposed AK-47 and head right for it. The accelerating feels great and I feel ready to vomit out of fear and the tree of possibilities, each branch signifying a different but equally brutal and undignified end. They aim their weapons at me and I calculate the distance and steering requirements, duck down and keep the wheel steady. They start shooting and I can hear the bullets whisk through the hood, windshield being pelted-I hear the headlights shatter. Snap, crack, and I hold steady. Suddenly my body gets jerked to the left and blood streams from my left ear after my head smashes the steering wheel. I sit up and look around, I see the roadblock retreating in the rear-view mirror, and realize I must have just skirted one of the cars. Damn that fucking hurt but it feels good to slip by. It’s kind of like when you get an extra twenty at the super market but you feel a bit guilty taking it, in this case there’s no guilt, just pure satisfaction. It doesn’t last long though, my heart sinks when I see about 10 cars pull up on the horizon. Whoever they are, they must really be looking for some new friends. I shove down the accelerator as far as it goes and sit back, the windshield’s got a bunch of holes in it now and from the looks of it so does the passenger seat and my own. Periodically I look into my mirror and notice they are still on my tail, we keep this up for miles and the whole time I’m in a state of complete depravity. It’s as if my heart had fallen into a morass of hate and despair, a miasma of disturbing scents and a great pulling down from within your own body—like a hand choking you from inside; I’m just so fucking scared. No matter my fear I drive on, I feel like I’d like to take a shit and a piss but unfortunately my band of brothers doesn’t think I deserve any kind of rest-room break.

We drive on and on and once my tank hits below half way I start to take this to its logical conclusion, will my gas outlast theirs and if not what’s going to happen? I look a little bit forward into the future and my arms shackled behind my back and a few dicks in my mouth; I only wish my car could go faster. I reformulate, that’s not an acceptable outcome—I’ll take one of these exits and lose them in the city.

We drive on like this for another 20 minutes, around 120 MPH is where the limiter kicks in and you can’t go any faster. There’s an exit coming up and I figure this one’s as good as any other. I swerve through the exit hoping to increase the distance between myself and my new crew. I see a small town come into view, good news; somewhere to get them off my tail. They’re all taking the exit and one of them screeches off the road and their car flips into the underbrush. I fly through the main thoroughfare doing 80 in what’s supposed to be a 35 zone. It’s not that difficult given it’s mostly empty but the occasional corpse or burned out car mean I stay hyper-vigilant. I slow to 40 and take a sharp right into a side street but the car slides, took it too fast, bam. My head whips forward into the airbag and the wind flows out of my lungs. I lean back blood coming from my nose, I’m reminded of pennies, everything is silent and slowly a faint ringing enters my perception. It grows until I realize the horns stuck, I also realize I’m about to get my face cut off if I don’t bolt. I grab my Swiffer/Broom and backpack and run out the car across the street busting into the first apartment building I see and run up the stairs. I fly up two flights when I notice a door slightly ajar and jump in slamming the door behind me. The floor’s littered with an inch thick layer of extra delicious snack offerings from your local convenience store and the usual sugary drinks, Coke cans, and Gatorade bottles. As if it had settled to the floor over time, building up more and detritus as humans receded further and further from the world. The door’s locks are busted, must have been kicked in before, I head to what I assume is the living room. I’m startled by what I see, two small kids, a boy and a girl probably between 8-10 years old just staring at me wide-eyed.

“Fuck, you scared me,” spurts from my mouth, thinking on this I probably scared them a lot more than they me. “Look, we need to be really quiet ok, there are some very bad people outside, and if they hear us they will hurt us,” I calmly tell them.

I grab the couch and shove it through the pile of junk barricading it against the door, it needs something more though to keep it in place. I shove my Swiffer/Broom between the couch and the doorway to the kitchen, making it fit snuggly so as to keep the coach in place against the door. The kids stand their staring, the boy walks over to me and takes a revolver out of his back waistline and I get a sudden vision of having my insides blown right out, drooling in pain on the floor, wondering what just happened. He hands me the revolver saying nothing as I think about what must be going through his mind, a leap of faith, a complete lack of reason, or the perfect decision?

“Are you hungry or thirsty?” I ask and both of them nod, “Okay, get me a bottle.” I fill it up from my water jug and they take long draughts, breathing out with an “ahh” passing it between each other for seconds and thirds. I give them a one of my bags of Cheetos, it doesn’t stand a chance.

I go and sit on the coach putting my finger to my mouth making sure the kids are aware that they should be silent and I listen for coming death, boots against the ground, and orders of any kind. I can faintly hear the car horn and it suddenly stops. Just barely I hear shouting; I assume they are spreading out.

At this point I realize that I have six bullets in the revolver, which meant that I had to kill at least six of them if they wanted to get their money’s worth. I also reckoned that there were more than six of them, so it was kill six of them and then get raped, enslaved, or killed, or on the other hand kill three of them then kill both the kids and myself. I couldn’t imagine leaving the kids behind to those animals and no matter what one thinks about ethics, no matter how much the world changes, one thing remains constant; pain and suffering. These are essential elements of the human condition, it doesn’t matter if you are the last man on Earth—you find avenues to avoid suffering. I readily admit the children’s suffering matters as well, just ask them. Philosophizing aside, the boy stairs stoically at me, I’m not sure if he’s scared or simply incapable of comprehending anything anymore. It’s as if his mind was erased upon the coming of this apocalypse, rebooted with new software, a more rugged operating system. He stands there with a blank expression, is he aware of the coming cruelties the marauders would inflict?

Sounds like a few of them are inside the building banging on doors shouting, “We know you’re in here,” cliché as fuck.

They run past the door and the revolver is dripping with sweat from my palms, my heart palpitates like I just ran a marathon, and the kids just keep standing, a strange bulwark against the madness outside. They give me an ounce of courage; when you have something to protect things always become more lucid. I hear them run back down, they must have figured I wasn’t here; maybe my luck’s turned. We sit like this in a state of sub-panic just to be safe, two hours pass and I figure they aren’t coming back. By this time it’s dark outside and the two kids are sitting together in the corner.

I come up to them and say “Looks like the coast is clear, I’m Beeblebrox (because why the fuck not), what are your names?”

The boy shifts a bit uneasily and the girl answers “I’m Hope, and this is my brother Jesus.” That’d be funny though right, no, she didn’t say that. “I’m Mary and this is my brother Jesse,” she half smiles.

“How long have you two been here?” I ask.

“We haven’t been here to too long, we were with our parents but they’re gone now,” says Jesse, he’s the younger child.

“I’m tired,” says Mary.

They both retire to the bedroom and fall asleep on a mattress without sheets or pillows; it’s turned brown from bodies other than their own I assume. I check the taps and the shower with a slight religious conviction that for some reason it’ll be running, it’s not. I drink a bit and have some snacks and lay on the coach thinking about what a great day it’s been. I start to cry silently at first, then those tears turn into a real man’s weeping, my chest shakes and the tears stream and flow and come freely. The two kids come back out and look worried, but that might have been my skewed perception.

“It’s all right,” I hiccup through snot and tears “go back to bed.”

They listen and eventually I stop crying, a rebirth always takes place after an emotional outburst like that, at least that’s how it was, now I’m just right back to the world as it is—not much hope but at least I can sleep rape free tonight. Regret weighs heavy on my mind, a jab in my soul. I feel like I should have just stayed home but remembering my family and friends made it only a matter of time; I also had to leave for supplies eventually anyways. But for all I know, all my loved ones are gone, like tears in the rain. These two kids were thrown into this thresher maw alone, maybe this is my destiny.

I wish I had a bag of tobacco and rolling papers, I don’t even smoke but I just crave it, maybe something something Freud or whatever, or just something to take the edge off. Speaking of which, I go and check the fridge, I see three warm unopened Heinekens in the fridge, and a low powerful laugh reverberates through me. I lay back down drinking my spoils, bless those children for leaving me some beer- soon enough I pass out.

The Adventures of Mary and Jesse: Pre-collapse

A T.V. blares another story on CNN, Dr. Thomas Frieden says cuts would “pull the rug out from programs that are helping ensure that we have a safer world.” Miranda, only by possible osmosis could she take the information in, scrolling through her Facebook feed of friends posting pictures of children. Her husband Daquan was reading a Washington Post article.

“You won’t believe this, according to WashPo the CDC is forced to cut back their efforts to prevent global disease outbreaks by 80%,” with some genuine concern.

Miranda briefly glances from her phone to meet his eyes “I can’t deal with the news anymore, if it’s not a pandemic, it’s going to be climate change, or bees, or micro-plastics in the water, I really just can’t do it.”

Daquan raises an eyebrow unsure of what words to choose, a man in his mid-40s, often worries about the world his children will inherit. He wants to console his wife but he often wonders if he himself will ever be soothed. He believes himself and his wife to be good people, with good children, and wishes that his nation’s government would get their act together—fund science, build a coalition of federal and business leaders to combat the increasing threat of a changing climate, reverse and slow the damage being done to the ecosystem. He wonders how he will even teach his children about any of this, or even when to bring it up. Mary and Jesse run down the stairs giggling as they pretend to be Thor and Hulk.

“Hulk smash,” giggles Jesse as he swings his arms like a ninja on acid.

“Daddy watch this,” says Mary as she spins in place falling down to the ground. “Did you see that?”

Miranda and Daquan both smile, but the constant hum of chaos, the impossible to reconcile reality that their only option is to play along, while knowing that it only exacerbates our decline.

“Yea I did, are you Thor?” asks Daquan.

“Mmhmmm, and Jesse is The Hulk. Remember when they fought but Hulk cheated and Thor was supposed to win?”

Daquan nods as he swoops down on his kids pretending to the Thanos, they all laugh and play, Miranda too soon joins in on their Marvel adventures. For a moment leaving the dull mental safety of Facebook, their smart TV now playing Anthony Bourdain’s: Parts Unknown. He’s visiting China, a country in which the CDC was forced to scale back their disease prevention efforts. He was enjoying a rather delicious looking soup however, smiling and dining.

“Daddy I love you,” says Jesse.

“Me too, and I love mom too,” says Mary.

Daquan and Miranda both look at each other tenderly, all was well with the world, but each had in the depths of theirs minds an irking pull, forever there-without end that let them know that things weren’t well after all.

Post-collapse

The dimness of the night conceals the terror in the children’s eyes as they stand over the corpses of their still warm parents. Things weren’t always like this of course, dad’s head until only moments ago was still attached and mom definitely used to have a mouth full of teeth. They watched from afar as a band of psychos led by Lord Humongous mercilessly, and with rock music blasting, desecrated the only thing these two loved. They were lucky really, their parents were sharp and heard the approach giving them enough time to hide the children. Now Jesse and Mary emerged from that spot to encounter-in close proximity-the death of one’s parents. Now their only question was, what do they do next? The psychos were gone-the souls of their parents with them-they had each other. Jesse started to cry first, Mary being a bit more sensible in post-apocalyptic dead parent situations tried to shush him, she put her hand on his mouth as he wailed. His tears rolling down his cheeks unto her hands, she felt their warmness—reminded of when her own mother had comforted her. Jesse looked at Mary and another agonizing cry bubbled up but this time muffled, he took a last look at his guardians and with teary eyes nodded knowingly; death was no longer mythical. Even in his moment of mental perturbation, he had the wits to take his father’s revolver.

The two children scurried like mice before a storm to what had been their home, a grey drab apartment complex that had quite endeared itself to them. It no longer held the spark of life and ceased be a place of joie de vivre. Mary looked around at where they had collected various memorabilia, she had collected a few Barbie dolls, one which she had outfitted to resemble the vogue of their epoch. Had Mattel sold this particular model it might have been the Mad Max Barbie line—the right side of her head shaved from the temple, with one eye, a gun(likely from a Terminator action figure), a knife for a hand, and rags instead of the latest fashion accessories. Jesse was fond of the doll, he remembered what it used to look like and what his dad would say if he played with it, “that’s your sister’s toy,” well now it seemed the new Barbie was more fit for this hell-hole lifestyle than dad, maybe he was wrong about the doll.

“What are we going to do now?” asks Jesse, still fazed from his parents passing.

“I’m not sure, but we’ll think of something,” she says, not without a hint of doubt.

“Who’s gonna tell us bedtime stories and protect us, how are we going to eat, what if those people come back?”

“I can tell you stories and protect you Jesse,” she says, feeling in that moment her duty as eldest.

“But you’re just a kid!” which startles Mary. It’s true, she’s just a child and uncertain where to go, how to acquire food, and she isn’t even sure she knows a whole lot of good bedtime stories. But they must go on, this she feels without question.

“I know, but that’s ok, let’s get ready for bed and we’ll make a plan tomorrow, ok?”

Jesse looks skeptical, pathetic even in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt, with a hole on the shoulder, then he nods in acquiescence.

The next morning they’re awoken by loud footsteps and they both freeze in panic. A strange man, bedraggled, with a broken Swiffer, smelling quite awful storms into their apartment wild-eyed. He looks like he’s homeless but mostly harmless. They look at each other and then back to the intruder.

The Band Sets Out

Upon awaking my eyes creak in my skull. My mouth feels like I haven’t brushed my teeth in a couple months and a fox climbed in to make its coffin there overnight. Life ain’t grand, but I’m still alive so that’s something. I wade through the wrappers and bottles and notice the siblings playing some weird game with trash, I get my backpack and have a little breakfast and take in some water. The kids hear me and come out from the bedroom and I share my canned beans with them, these aren’t spoiled kids and they seem to enjoy them. Once society stopped abetting a system of decadence, you’re happy to get what you can.

“We can’t stay here you know, eventually we’ll just die or run out of food, we need to keep moving,” I let them know.

“But there’s nowhere to go.” Mary frowns and Jesse nods his head.

“We’ll find a place doesn’t matter how far away we’ll get there, maybe we can find my friends and family,” I reassure them. “Get everything that’s important to you and put it all together in a bag or something you can carry, food and water is obviously important if you have any stashed away here.”

They spend the next few minutes putting some broken trinkets, what looks like garbage, and some Gatorades and bagged chips into a torn up back-pack. I make sure I’ve got my broken Swiffer/Broom still intact, food and water, the gun, and all my sundries.

“If you guys come with me there’s just one simple rule you need to follow, otherwise you’re quite likely to get really hurt. Listen to what I say, what I say is high priority like when your mom or dad.....” I cut myself off realizing this is no place for kids, in fact this isn’t a place for anyone. “I mean, just make sure you listen to me guys, I don’t want anything bad to happen.” They look at one another and utter a few things I don’t catch and then both say okay.

“First plan of action is to avoid the people from the other day. Second we need to get a car and drive East, we can stop at city centers and look for more supplies like snacks and food, let’s go.”

We head downstairs and as the stairs creak I feel a new weight, or maybe just heaviness I haven’t felt since the collapse. I’ve just taken on a responsibility without even considering it, this isn’t normal behavior for me; I usually frantically check every single website for reviews before I make even the most trivial of purchases, but adopt two strange kids, sure why not. That reality hits me pretty hard and my fears flood back. They are baggage with needs—they are slow, if they get hurt it’s my fault. I shake my head rapidly as if that’ll undue the new etching that has branded my brain. I open the door to the outside world slowly and light floods in as I narrow my vision. My hand flies up behind me to signal them to keep back as I check the coast. My car from yesterday is in worse shape than when I left it, it says Face Rape Death on the side in red paint-pleasant people. The building opposite to us is new but retro fucked. It hasn’t been weathered by age but by complete chaos and rapid suffering. The brickwork is covered in a patchwork madness of posters about quarantine and bio-hazards, elsewhere vague warnings of religious significance. The sun is warm on my face and I look back at Jesse and Mary as I feel a resurgence of good feels and maybe even what some think of as happiness. A cool tranquility and ease caresses my heart and I take Jesse’s hand and tell him to take Mary’s hand and we start our march down the street in search of wheels.

As we walk amidst debris it’s like New York City during a city workers strike, garbage and refuse galore without a soul to care. Three dogs trot out from a side street ahead and stop once they become cognizant of our presence. My feet slide apart and plant firmly, I hold the Swiffer death stick in front of me like an untrained Samurai—I try to remember the wisdom of Aang’s uncle Iroh-keeping balance. I search my memory of Samurai Champloo for fighting tactics. The lead one-eyed dog cocks his head for a brief interlude and then trots off and his two companions follow. We move on cautiously and take a left around the next corner, I put my hand on the revolver this time as we keep moving. I eye a cop car up ahead with a body slumped over the steering wheel. We rush over to it and I pull the body out, keys still in the ignition with a quarter tank of gas. The kids don’t even seem to mind the dead body, go figure. They get in the back and by the grace of god the car starts. I look behind me at the kids, “Buckle up for safety, you wouldn’t want to get hurt would you?”

We start the drive for round two. This time I’m armed and carrying precious cargo, if the marauders show up someone is dying. As we drive slowly I take in the city; a landscape littered with cars, bodies and unusual messages canvass the city. I don’t know the layout nor where to head so it becomes a matter of trial and error; suddenly as if out of a different world and unreal space-time the kids ask “are we there yet?”

“I’ll tell you when we get there, your job is to look out for highway signs and bad guys,” I respond.

Eventually we get onto I-76 East and pick up speed with our windows down-I look back to see the kids beaming, the speed always feels good. Speed has a way of out-running fear and the faster you go the further back it seems. After a couple hours we pull over because they want to pee and we do so at an abandoned rest station and check for gas. Pumps still work and the kids feel refreshed, not much to raid in the stores though except a few Slim Jims they found underneath the fridge, crafty kids. We get back on the road and eventually see an exit for a small town ahead.

“You guys want to check it out?” I ask.

“YEAAA!” they scream back, I feel like I’m back teaching middle school again.

The exit takes us onto what looks like a main avenue and we head down in the direction of buildings. Not too far into the town there’s a large gathering of people so I slow to a stop a good quarter mile off. My hands start to perspire the palpitations return as my mind turns from neutral to uncertainty and doubt.

“What are they doing?” Jesse asks.

“I’m not sure, I’m going to pull up slowly, then get out and approach them because it looks like they are trying to get inside that store, they might be good.” Internally I second guess myself, maybe this isn’t wise, but it could also be a group of people to join. The prospect of community slightly stills my anxiety like a blanket of warm water. I pull the car up slowly and some of them notice me and notify others. As I pull up I stop with enough distance between us that should I need to I can book it back to the car. I get out of the car and tell the kids to stay put. I stop and reconsider, “Do either of you know how to drive a car?”

“I’ve seen momma do it lots of times,” Mary says.

“Ok, sit here in the driver’s seat, if I start running really fast back at the car put it in reverse and as soon as I get in hit the gas pedal all the way down to the floor. Can you do that Mary?” I question her gently.

“Uh huh, I can,” this makes me feel somewhat fine, on the other hand my fate is now potentially in her hands, a young girl I barely know.

Walking slowly towards the group I start to piece together the scene. They are essentially all clumped around a convenience store with a metal grate protecting the entrance and windows. Some of them have sticks and others are armed with rakes and axes. Most of them are completely unkempt, farmers from a bygone area that’ve never heard of or cared about personal hygiene. Before I know it a somewhat familiar smell wafts into my mind, except it’s even more horrendous and I realize it’s the group of people before me. Putrid, horrible, piss, shit, and suffering all combined with barbarism give rise to a pungently powerful aroma.

“Who are you, where you come from?” one of them yells out.

“I’m just looking for a safe place running from marauders, what’s going on here?” I ask.

One of them steps forward, a white man with a dirty bandana on his head. He’s tall, strong built but not athletic, the kind of man that once he gets a hold of you there isn’t much light left for you in this world. Should you be quick and light on your feet he’s not insurmountable.

“Truth be told, we got ourselves a minor inconvenience. You see here, this shop be the last place we got to get food. Problem is, Rodney done locked hisself up in here and ain’t comin out. Now usually we’s all sharin’ between ourselves of what’s left since the incident. Rodney got hisself some ideas bout taking it all on hisself. Now we’s all gathered here but it’s locked on the inside o’ the gate, we already did shatter the windows, but ain’t gettin in,” he explains.

I come closer and look at what he’s described. It’s a normal, but packed, corner store with a metal gate—near the top of the gate are slitted openings through which arms can reach, and shattered store windows. I imagine they threw rocks through the slits in an attempt to entice Rodney back out. People yell out to Rodney on occasion, mention a crushed skull, and the rights of man, etc. All are fairly intent on letting Rodney now the present impropriety of his behavior, but to little avail. Further inspection finally yields the culprit sitting with his back to the stacked goods eating what looks like canned peaches. It looks quite delicious to be honest.

“How long’s this been going on?” I ask.

“Long ‘nuff so as we gettin’ real hungry. We been travellin’ from town to town see, and finally Rodney cracked.”

“Well I got an idea, but it’s risky and messy.” From the darkness of my mind, out of some obscure problem solving region an idea arises for which I take no credit for, but was in fact a rather brilliant thought-idiotically gifted at the same time. Maybe it was partly a desire to just do something insane, maybe I genuinely thought it would be helpful, and partly because things just mattered in an altogether different way at this point in humanity’s life that I actually thought we should do it. What happened next is one for the history books. When humanity gets restored to the glory it once had or alien historians document the occurrences that took place at these coordinates, what happened on this day will have its own chapter, and a bio all about me and my extraordinary exploits. I tell everyone to start shitting into a bucket and putting anything else nasty they can find into it. As we’re doing this I notice an old newspaper on the ground, trodden by foot but still legible. I pick up it the headline is “Climate Change now thought to be central factor in spread of disease,” I don’t think much of it but subconsciously I feel an old cynicism rise up in me. We just couldn’t live peacefully on this rock and just had to fuck it up. Well this is the finale of post-industrial society, it isn’t what it was cracked up to be.

The yokels in this part of town follow along with what any rational agent would take as lunacy and actually start shitting in a bucket. Some of the younger members of their party find a dead rat, bird, and vomit to add to our witch’s brew. I spit in the bucket not really wanting to actually get close to the concoction we’ve made. The questions start coming at me from our new potential friends.

“Biological warfare fellas, you smoke him out for lack of a better term,” I tell them. At first a skeptical grimace ripples through these people and slowly knowing smiles show their jubilation.

“So we gon’ throw all this shit at Rodney? Hahaha, this gon’ be good, real good!” yells a woman with a face that has felt the winds of many moons.

“That son’fo’bitch gon’ see why you listenun to us!”

I peer into the bucket from afar on tiptoes. A real witch’s brew, a miasma of gunk and goo fit only for a soul bent beyond death. Mary and Jesse stand nearby-smiles blazing-their white teeth a stand out component in an otherwise grim globe. I reckon that’s what kids are into these days, what a time to be alive.

“Alright you hooligans, now all you have to do is go and show him what’s at stake. A simple question will suffice, would you like us to throw this at you?” My eye closes slightly, like Robert DeNiro with a grimace to match.

“I’ll throw it,” chirps an eager redneck and he whoops and hollers towards the store gate. As he descends upon the store, like a centurion coming upon a castle to siege, he says “Rodney, you stupid motha’ fucka’ you gettin’ what’s comin’ to ya.” With his feet spread apart, mouth agape smiling.

“I ain’t comin out,” says the beleaguered Rodney.

It’s at this point that our American centurion with the bucket whips it forward, a perfect trajectory of liquid suffering gently cascades over the gate and into Rodney’s once sanctuary. A shriek pierces our ear drums like a bat twisted in two. Rodney yells with indistinguishable ferocity; a string of unknown adjectives said with such panache that one had to smile that such a game wasn’t illegal, not anymore. Judge, jury, and executioner—a quick witted industrious person could really make a name for themselves in a world like this.

Moments later the gate flies up and he scuttles out like a rat escaping a flooding drainpipe. “FUCK YOU BASTARDS,” he garbles covered in crazy goo and in that moment everyone descends upon him, violent intent in the air.

“Don’t, you already got what you wanted!” I yell hoping to avoid bloodshed. I hadn’t foreseen the moral weight or the political intrigue that would lead to murder. A woman with a bat runs at him and I take out my Swiffer and jump into her path, she draws aback confused. Behind me two men make their way towards Rodney with chains ready to whip his stinking body into a carcass.

“Please, don’t!” I yell as they raise the chains.

Rodney bewildered with the new chain of events, suppliant with hands drawn together in prayer. The chain swings up, my heart jumps, and in that moment the man vomits. The other man covers his mouth and retreats, Rodney saved by the utter wicked pungency of our biological weapon. My body relaxes as they realize he’s got a defense matrix of their own creation and laugh. Some rush into the store to get water, snacks, medicines, and anything else of value.

“Thanks stranger, you don’ right by us,” a woman tells me. Jesse and Mary stand astounded, unsure of exactly what happened, knowing only it was great fun. I nod and we start to head back to the car.

“Uhhh, you know, have a good day guys,” I say while the kids wave and the crowd jeers us on, we get in the car and start cruising on.

Surviving the Human Extinction Part 2

Day X: Jesse, Mary and I drive on and on. To where we go, only uncertainty is certain. A train headed into a wall that speeds up is foolish because eventually it crashes, we’ve already crashed so we may as well accelerate. The rednecks were kind enough to give us a nice re-supply which the kids munch on, without greed—a kind of serenity has taken over their minds; I wager it’s on account of having me around.

With the windows down we feel the cool drizzle coming in, refreshing on a hot day. The sun shining, trees dancing with the wind, and the kids smiling in my rear-view mirror renews the wellspring of goodness in my heart.

The revolver lays on the passenger seat granting its own kind of happiness-but possibly only the illusion of invincibility.

“I have to pee,” shatters my thoughts, so I pull over. I get out with the kids and scan the area as they run off into the trees.

“Not too far stay within ear shot… stay close enough so I can hear you!” I shout.

Jesse and Mary run back giggling, I don’t question their mirth and back on the road we go. As the sun begins to descend we hit a long clearing and I make out what looks like a farm in the distance.

“Can we see what’s there?” Mary asks.

I give her suggestion a primitive cognitive analysis, I conclude it can’t be worse than elsewhere to sleep. We drive over the dirt road as a low fog of debris floats up behind as we drive up and a fence makes itself visible. A woman—roughly in her 40s, weathered face, auburn hair, and an air of True Grit—stands with a rifle at her hip guarding the entrance.

I slow down and stop within 40 feet, I look back at the kids and say, “Don’t move, if shit…. If things go bad drive away, you can do that right? You have practice.”

I hand them the keys. I put the revolver into my waist band, Killer Swiffer staff in hand. I get out of the car with my hands up tell them we’re friendly while I question my decision to give the kid the car keys. She motions with her hand to step forward, she happens to be smoking and wearing all black-out of place these days. As I walk closer I see that she has some sort of writing, a pamphlet in one hand.

“Are you friendly?” I ask once I am within talking distance.

She remains silent as she motions me ever closer—my nerves became frayed and my heart speeds up. In the air I sense blood, the sun warms my face, I’m close enough to count the crow feet around her eyes, each step crunches dirt underfoot. She extends the pamphlet in a leathery hand, her eyes dim and she nods her head back. I take the pamphlet in addition to a few steps back. My eyes dart between her and the pamphlet. She nods again, motioning at the paper. I begin reading:

Subway

A Jewish man sat by a Jewish woman, I could tell because he wore a golden Star of David, the woman was in traditional attire, or probably it’s more accurate to call it conservative dress—but with flashy bracelets and earrings, a contradiction of theirs. I could see his arousal, interest, and desire but lost in an unknowing nest of what to do. He stared sideways as she bent over and brushed her hair back, she sat back as his lust overcame him. He picks his ear as I wonder if that’s the best he can do. Is he proud of himself, I want to know but I’m too scared to ask. Is that fear a trap, is it none of my business?

I don’t know what to make of this. I flip it to its backside and continue reading. My discomfort grows as I peek back at the woman, she simply stands there, a monolith of unknown origins.

Face

He was strangely handsome, as if his handsomeness was only an inverse refraction of his ugliness. Unorthodox appeal to be sure. A perfect imperfection of various almost just right features, grotesque at a glance and the gestalt of them was clearly a face to admire. English, strong features, and probably on a crew team. Ugly and beautiful are at times one and the same; close interplay of features in which analysis can vary wildly simply because one observer miscalculates or perceives differently a single feature.

“Lady, what the fuck is this?” but she says nothing. “I got two kids in the car, can we stay here tonight?”

She squints in my direction and nods. I look back at the car, Jesse and Mary falling over the steering wheel trying to get a better look. The woman in black opens the gate and motions us in, I drive in slowly it say, “I don’t know who these people are, so stay close.”

“Why are they wearing black?” asks Mary.

I want to tell her they might be a cult, but reconsider, “It’s just, the way they dress,” I fumble.

The gate closes behind us and we drive over to a lot with others cars. Two men approach us as we get out of the car, my hand ready to grab the Swiffer or revolver, probably the revolver. One reaches into his back pocket and I step back ready for anything but he pulls out a notepad.

On the pad he writes: Where did you come from?

“Some town not too far from here, we’ve just been driving for some time now.”

Are those your children?

“In a manner of speaking I suppose they are,” I look back at them, they look cute and I feel a warmth envelop my heart.

You can spend the night here, only one.

“Alright, thank you.”

They take us round the compound, or commune, or cult base. I was surprised to see that not all of the people here were silent or wore black. A large fat white man with overalls strides past smelling of labour, shovel over his shoulder. Shacks are spread out around us in organic fashion—some mobile homes with personal decorations, others tin shacks hastily put together. Hippy types dance around a fire, naked people lying unconscious nearby, others shouting, but they seem semi-content. As we kept walking Mary and Jesse were glued to my sides holding my hands.

“I don’t like it here,” Mary said.

“Me neither,” Jesse replied.

I look to comfort them as we pass a naked man being paddled by a woman wearing a nun’s outfit. I want to laugh but I only find befuddlement. We near what I would likely call the center of this community, a group of people sitting cross legged-their eyes narrowed, focusing intently.

“Who are they?” I ask our tour guides.

The bigger fellow writes: Jedis. I don’t question this, at this point if they aren’t trying to kill me or cover me in shit I am okay with it. Suddenly Steady as She Goes by the Raconteurs starts playing over a loud speaker. In the air I smell reefer and hear people yelling, I pick up Jesse and we keep walking with our guides. From what I can tell this place has one entrance—the rest is barbed wire fence. They seem to have their own water and it doesn’t seem to have any central authority; unless the people in black run the show. We get close to a tiny house and the men write: Tonight you stay here now you work.

To the left of the house a man is shackled to a tree. “Help me god damn it,” he faintly whispers.

“Why is he chained there?” I ask our kind patrons.

He helped Samson cut his hair is all they write.

I tense up realizing we’ve entered a new kind of place.

“What do I need to do?” I ask.

Leave kids follow.

“Where I go they go,” I say.

They glance at each other, then the small one nods at me. We walk to a larger house near the outskirts away from the “city” activity. We walk to a house—old Victorian style with books scattered over the floor and oil-paintings hang from the walls. They motion me over to sit in a chair at a desk. Opposite me sits a woman with blond hair, glasses from the 70s, and dressed in black slowly giving herself lung cancer.

“Welcome to our humble little oasis. I hope you find it suitable for the evening. Sarah let you in because she deemed you worthy, not everyone here was let in for the same reason. Do not ask me any questions, you simply answer mine and you can stay here without trouble,” she says this all coldly and yet she betrays some leeching desire to know something.

“Ask away ma’am. I’m just glad to find a safe place to sleep,” I say as the kids begin to explore the room we’re in.

“How many people have you killed?” she says as she lights her second cigarette.

“None, haven’t needed to, we’ve been quick on our feet, and our wits match that speed,” I smirk, feeling somewhat clever.

She gazes at me steadily with intent licking her lips as he closes her eyes.

“Why are those two kids with you?” Her head signals towards them.

“You’d call it serendipity I think,” I say honestly.

She sits there just smoking, I shift in my seat looking around and the two tour guides just stand there.

“Why don’t they talk?” I ask.

“Shut the fuck up!” she stands slamming her arms on the desk. “I told you, no questions, is that so fucking hard to remember?”

I apologize ready to fight, adrenaline pumping as a dead weight drops in my chest.

“Ok, forget it, I need you to go in that room and talk to the man inside it. For one hour then you can stay here.” She points to a door in the next chamber.

“Ok, like I said before the kids come with me.” They don’t deny the request and we walk to the door.

I look back at the woman and she says to knock, I knock, and the door slowly opens. I immediately notice an exquisite chandelier hanging among general disrepair. A man walks back to his seat and we walk in cautiously. A television is mounted above his head, it’s playing a video of what looks like a Youtube channel-someone’s vlog about eating food. I stand there taking it in; he’s eating something and talking about its taste, the camera zooms in multiple times on the food and another video starts again about foodies and food culture. I look at the man, sun-tanned with a salt and pepper beard, grey-blue eyes set back in a European skull. I look around—on his desk are a few books: One-Dimensional Man, Sane Society, Existential Psychotherapy and Everyone Poops. In the corner stands a women dressed in steam-punk attire, she has a nose ring that extends to her ear, I have a slight inclination to yank it out—she’s also sporting a wicked green waster cut. I look down and Jesse and Mary are sitting cross-legged on the ground as if ready to take in some dropped knowledge. I look back and the man is sitting there calmly as tears stream down his wrinkly face.

“You must have come far to get here stranger.”

“Sort of, far physically but in other ways too,” I respond in what I think is nonchalance. “What’s with the commercials and the books and the weird chick?”

“Why not? The books help me make sense of what happened, the commercials remind me of the past sub-conscious desires, and the chick is just weird man,” he says with a smile.

“So I’m just supposed to stand here and talk to you for an hour?”

“That’s the deal kid.”

“Well what do you want to know?”

“A better question is, what’s the point?”

“The point of what?” I ask as my eyes squint in minor confusion.

The steam-punk weirdo comes over and sits with Mary and Jesse. A commercial for Arby’s sandwiches comes on followed by some kind of clothing company that ships clothes to yuppies in cities they are about to visit.

“The point of anything anymore? Everything’s gone, everyone’s gone mad, and nothing really matters anymore,” he says but without indicating any emotional connection to the words.

“Did it matter before though? I mean, people are still people, we just happen to live in a new era, a crazier era but here we are,” I haven’t exactly given it much thought, I just like not answering emails and paying taxes really.

“It mattered before because we had a system of justice and humanity. We also had a vision to create a better world, and yet here we are. A people succumbed to their own sickness.”

“Sickness, like the plague or disease you mean?”

“No, I mean like consumerism, mindless people working 40 hours a week, driving to a place they hate, to do things they don’t want to do, to buy shit they don’t want, made by poor exploited people, burning fossil fuels to bring it to us, while the whole damn world burned. The disease was just one symptom that got out of control. If not the virus it would have been something else. It was a sick world, we were, are, all sick. So maybe you’re right, maybe there never was a purpose. So why go on at all?”

“Why not?” at which point shouts are heard outside, expletives and gun-fire too.

The People in Black, Anal Penetrator, and the European Skulled-Man

Once all hell had broken loose in the world the usual cults sprang up preaching salvation in a damned world. Others rose up to monetize or at least profit, on humanity’s renewed sense of faith and community. And of course another clever group intent on self-preservation would attach themselves to the savvy profiteers, too smart to join up with whack-jobs while hating humanity too much to lead them. Not all cults were made equal however and some were way cooler than others. Our story with Beeblebrox, Mary, and Jesse happened to veer into just such a wonderfully interesting group of post-apocalyptic humans.

The People in Black had given up health and happiness, speaking even in favor of cigarettes, community, and suffering. They felt—not without reason—that all that happened was just desserts for humanity’s misdeeds, the reckoning we all deserved. They viewed themselves as truly unworthy of continued breath, so they diligently but slowly snuffed it out with chain smoking. Those who had risen in rank would eventually work their way up to other drugs. Their spiritual pursuit eventually ending in desiccation and death.

The People in Black had formed their group, cult, within the city limits of Denver. Those souls who somehow managed to stay alive after the initial collapse formed small bands which coalesced around the European Skulled-Man. He was tall, with cheek-bones that seemed to give rise to his crystal blue eyes. A man with a keen eye for profit and a .357 Magnum finds himself with the bona-fide job characteristics to meet the requirements of post-apocalyptic cult leader. To his surprise, instead of demapping everyone he met, his face seemed to inspire faith in others. But whence cometh his loyal followers you may wonder? Who would devote themselves to a cause and why?

Before we get to that it’s important to first note Logan’s (European Skulled-Man) brief tango with suicidal ideation. He had taken shelter in an abandoned apartment complex in Five Points, it was there that the ex-banker was forced to finally consider what the point of his life was. 9-5 was gone, status disappeared, Huggies butt wipes extinct, easy sex access via Tinder evaporated, parents dead, friends unknown, and most importantly he didn’t know what the fuck to do. Before he was inside of a groove, rolling forward with the constant feedback of his bank account, promotions, and the attention of attractive women. Now he was surrounded by chaos; finally in these moments of existential ennui, he was confronted whole-heartedly by that which he had spent a lifetime avoiding. The bulwark of fear, once it plows into your soul doesn’t simply walk away. He cried long and hard and he knew not why or for whom—maybe for the world, maybe for his fear, but ultimately he went and decided that he would kill himself. In his newfound mental prison amidst limitless freedom, he couldn’t understand who he was anymore. Without external monitors of his progress, virtue, and purpose he himself was unmoored. He put the gun inside his mouth, his European-Skull was about to be eviscerated and in the moment of truth he heard a commotion outside.

“Fuck you, you mother cunt!” shouted a tall dark-skinned, Mo-hawked woman as he was stepping on a raider’s groin, pointing a katana at his face. She was surrounded by four others pointing rifles, nail-bats, and chains at her. He squirmed and shouted, “Kill the bitch!”

The other raiders—in their rags, old-sports equipment, and missing teeth started to move in. Logan liked her chutzpah, and wondered what to do. Moments from his own demapping he thought, well if I’m gonna die I may as well go out in style. In this flicker of meaning something new ignited, a sense of purpose not externally granted but pushing him on from within.

He pointed his .357 out the window slowly, wanting to get a surprise critical hit. He aimed at the one he thought most dangerous, mostly based on his size, one-eyed grin, and gun. He took steady aim as the woman below crouched and said, “Who wants to die first, you fucking pigs?”

Bang, her head swirled to look at the window from which a bullet that opened the big fella’s skull jettisoned out. Logan looked down at her and winked, it was the start of a beautiful friendship. Instantly she sliced the throat of the fool under her as she spun and lunged at the nearest threat. She swung the blade from the ground up slicing from his groin and right through his face, a blood-curdling scream pierced their ears as the other two ran at her. The first swung his chain at her as the second shot rang out, blowing his entire arm off. He stood there holding the nub with the other hand as a fountain of blood poured out—he moved in a 360 like a red sprinkler. The final raider swung his nail-bat at Anal Penetrator and she ducked while rolling back. He lunged forward smashing his bat down again, this time she parried right, as she sliced his gut open, stood up and made a final slice decapitating him.

“Nice,” said Logan.

He decided that maybe there was something to live for after all. He came downstairs as she was cleaning her blade, he noticed a pink dildo hanging from her belt, “is that for people you like or…”

“Maybe you’ll find out,” she said without jest. “Thanks for the help.”

“Yea, no problem.” They decided to set out together, for both had a mutual distaste for raiders and psychos.

Logan learned that in a past life Anal Penetrator had been a librarian. She was very anal about the places in which books must come to a rest and now she finally had an outlet for years’ worth of pent up rage as imbecile library goers misplaced books, not returning them on time, and just generally being wastes of life. She took refuge in the calm and quiet library in an absurd world. For many years she had grown world-weary, with our politicians, climate change, and the deluge of stories about our destruction of the natural world. She even began to crave the dissolution of society—she would binge watch anything where the world order had fundamentally shifted, reading every apocalyptic novel. Her favorite was The Windup Girl, which luckily she saved a copy and lent it to Logan. She respected anyone who read books, especially suggestions from peers so as to discuss them together. Meeting Logan-much like it did for him-gave her a revitalized sense of well-being. The life they began to build was a tiny pocket of peace.

They traveled together until they came upon a compound of tobacco and sin. They found a village with a simple legal system, run by insanity and cigarettes, and all were welcome. Of course those who overstayed their welcome were ungently reminded. Logan and Anal Penetrator quickly ingratiated themselves here as essential problem-solvers, ruling over a small motley crew until their pocket of peace would one day erupt.

A Fateful Day at the Compound

“What the hell was that” the man looked visibly upset now and the steam-punk moron ran out of the room.

“Let’s go,” I tell the kids and they follow me out. In the main chamber people are scrambling, the woman from before shouts about watching the walls. We run outside to general disarray, the fat man in overalls runs by with an axe and I see people in the distance fighting. The chick with the ear-nose ring runs by with a god damned M249 SAW. The kids and I run back to our car, get in and I start driving away from the chaos, machine guns rattling over the hum of the engine. We drive away from the commune and head towards the other-side of the wall. Mary shrieks wildly and I whirl back telling her to calm down and that everything is going to be…. We’re suddenly slammed to the side with an immense force as a truck smashes into us. My head goes right through the window, the warmth of the blood is oddly soothing but I freak when I remember the kids. The engine is out-the people in the truck are getting out-and the kids are unconscious. Panic starts to set in and I autonomously get out and run for cover, I leave the kids because I don’t know what else to do. Two men with pistols start shooting at me, the bullets hit the tree and whiz by.

“Fuck you, you cunts!” I yell as I take out my revolver.

I peak around and take aim as a bullet shatters the bark and it clips my eye before I can take a shot. An Asian man, probably over six foot sprints towards my aggressors with a chain screaming, “I’ma fuck you up!” and they shoot him dead without mercy. I take advantage of the momentary distraction, peer out and take aim blasting one of their skulls wide open. The other opens the door to my car and grabs Mary putting the gun to her head.

“Throw your gun out or she dies!”

My blood chills, checkmate—why the fuck did I leave them there? I step out from the tree with my hands up and I see Mary crying with a gun mashed against her head.

“It’s gonna be ok Mary, I promise.”

He takes aim and I leap forward behind my car. I open the door and pull out Jesse, he’s awake so I tell him to run towards the other side of the enclosure.

“You’re dead mother fucker, come out and die or she does.” I’m pretty sure he will kill her too anyways. It seems I’m at the end of my rope here.

“I can help you, I know where they keep the supplies, the food, and water, don’t shoot.” I step back out with my arms up.

“Bullshit it, where is it?”

“Let her go and I’ll take you there.”

“Fuck you,” he says as he shoots Mary in the head splattering her brains all over himself, in that moment I know without a doubt that God doesn’t give a god-damned shit about us at all, not even a little bit. I feel a pull inside me and my eyes blow up, frozen in time without access to my motor system. I can’t even take a breath in as the anger flows like a broken dam-becoming my totality. The instinct to survive reasserts itself and I leap towards the pistol his partner held as he shoots towards me, one round hitting my arm. I unload the clip into him, he goes down and I shoot him until it’s empty. Mary’s body lays there next to his. I’m bleeding and don’t know where Jesse is, I look back towards the commune. Buildings on fire, the white ogre swinging his axe and splitting people, the steam-punk girl is standing atop one of the motor homes unloading. Bodies strewn over everything like a heavy snow fall. I walk over to Mary and look at what’s left of her, I gag and scream till my throat burns and then I remember that I need to find Jesse. I sprint away from the action to where I imagine a kid might have gone during such interesting times. I get to the fence and frantically look everywhere-spinning around, my mind races-I sprint back towards the madness. I slow down when I near the center, the sound of gun fire deafens my ears; a sickly sweet odor of BBQ wafts into my consciousness when I see a burning body hanging on fire in the distance.

A roaring machine blasts out from the smoking refuse, a biker with a nailbat screams from the underworld towards me. It’s time to use my Swiffer, I put my gun away and slowly take out the Swiffer stick holding it calmly over my head. The maniac rides full speed at me as I lower my center of gravity, time slowing down, everything happening now is an instant in life’s fabric of constant torment. A brief moment in the ever marching path towards the void. When he is within 20 feet I lunge forward with every ounce of power and rage that I can. He raises his nailbat ready to smash my face into my brains and I jump directly at him, shoving the broom through his teeth, shattering them, through his spine and out his neck, jumping over him as he slides off his motorcycle.

“Motherfucker.”

I run over and get on the bike, I hear Jesse yell out and I see him in the distance. I ride towards him but slow as I near the steam-punk chick. She’s supporting herself with a beautifully out-of-place Katana, blood trickles down from where her nose-ear-ring was torn out, her leg shot. “Get on,” I tell her and she does so smirking, “let’s fuck shit up.” We ride on as I see the big white overalls fella lift one of the raiders above his head and smash him into the ground head first in a crunch.

“10 points Bob!” the woman jeers as we ride by, he gives us a thumbs up.

Ahead of us a mohawked female raider has a nail gun and she takes notice of us, then starts letting them rip at us as I fire my revolver wildly in her direction. I get lucky and shoot her through the eye, as we pass my partner takes her arm off with a clean swipe.

“Help!” Jesse screams as we ride up.

A man picks Jesse up and puts him inside a large van; slavers I wager. That’s my cue, I don’t even bother shooting, I just ride right at him and upon seeing us, I imagine his soul said its final words and he starts running away. I ride up and his head goes missing, we loop back around to get Jesse. He gets on the bike and sits in front of me.

“Do you have a weapons stockpile or anything?” I ask her.

“Yea, head back to the main house.”

“Alright, what’s your name by the way?”

“Anal Penetrator,” she says without any hint of humor. I just nod and say nice.

We make the ride back quickly, on the way I see an old gypsy woman telling a bloodied man his fortune, as we pass I only see her single gold tooth as she smiles—I imagine his fortune is looking good. Back at the main house we enter to find bodies draped over the limited furniture. Anal Penetrator leads Jesse and I past a locked room, inside is a chest she opens, she grabs a TEC-9 and hands me a .357 Magnum. I grab additional ammo and then I pause. Jesse looks sad that he didn’t get anything, so I grab a bullet proof vest and hand him my Swiffer stick. I don’t want to make him a target, but also don’t want to leave him out; the burdens of modern day parenting I suppose.

“You got my back buddy?” he smiles and nods like kids do. “Thanks for the weapons but we aren’t sticking around.”

“Where you headed?” she asks.

“Not sure, but not here.”

“Want some allies, anal penetration aside?”

I smile, “sure, I could use an extra hand, we’re better off with a car though.”

She pulls out a set of keys from her fanny pack and smirks, waving us to follow her. Once we step outside a raider steps from our left and swings a sledge hammer and I duck at the last second, it smashes through the wall of the house and she can’t yank it out. Anal Penetrator lights her up with the TEC-9. Her final moments were a kind of avant-grade electro dance of death as she became a marionette with strings of bullets. I look up at the sky and wonder what it’s all about.

“The fuck you stalling, let’s go!” and we run after her, she takes us to a 1966 Cadillac Fleetwood Sixty Special Brougham, with a few after-market upgrades: sunroof with one PK Machine Gun, a cool decal that is two men sucking each other off, and pink seats.

“You drive, the kid takes the gun, I got shotgun.”

I look at Jesse and he beams all over. We get in and start driving towards the main gate. We pull out quick and the last thing I see is an RPG fired from the hip of some fool dressed as a clown. In that last moment our hero realized he wouldn’t find his girlfriend, his family, or his friends, but that he had briefly found something that eluded him all his life; an adventure.

Aftermath

During the chaos and confusion Logan had strapped on his bullet-proof vest and set out to dispatch and repel the invaders. He had seen Anal Penetrator and the visitors whiz by in his Cadillac only to have an RPG explode beneath its chassis. Luckily he had the people in black reinforce the undercarriage, doors, and roof with steel. He runs over as the clown is reloading, he doesn’t waste time and throws one of his shurikens directly into his eye. As the clown no longer smiles wailing and moaning, Logan runs up and demapps him from the map with a single shot through the heart. The car starts to blaze and he runs to pull Anal Penetrator out, he has yet to find out why she’s called that and doesn’t want to die not knowing. He then pulls out Beeblebrox and Jesse-faces like a chimney sweep.

The lot of them is coughing, wheezing, hands on chests as they lay on the ground in relief. Death had flashed before their eyes; little else in life gives one a sense of new found joy and respect for life.

“Where’s Mary,” cries out Jesse finally realizing her absence.

Beeblebrox feels a pierce through his heart as he once more takes in the truth. The fighting seems to have subsided and the question is like a friend’s prank, putting their cold feet on you, jolting you into awareness. He hugs Jesse close looking into his hazel eyes, tears well up in both their eyes. He searches for the right set of words to give Jesse, a child who has just lost his last remaining link to his family.

“I’m sorry Jesse, but Mary isn’t coming back.” He hugs him ever closer as Jesse’s tears turn to deluge, crying out loudly damning the world in his own way.

Anal Penetrator and Logan take stock of the situation, most of the tobacco and greenhouses have been burned and destroyed. Dead people decorate their once peaceful compound-some moan in agony from loss of friends and limb alike.

“Well shit,” is all Logan can muster.

“What the hell are we going to do now?”

“We should just give up,” he says with genuine dejection.

“Oh come on, there’s so much to live for! Charred bodies, our new friends, and all of the terrors and wonders that await us. Plus, you still have to experience me at my best and brightest. You haven’t lived until you learn why I’m Anal Penetrator,” she winks at Logan who smiles back.

Even amidst total insanity one’s sense of humor carries the capacity to uplift others. They double back to Jesse and Beeblebrox who are sitting on the ground as Beeblebrox tells Jesse about his own family and friends; he tells Jesse about their dinners, stories of laughter and mirth, and finally gets excited himself and asks if he wants to meet them. Jesse is still melancholic but his eyes do travel up to meet his new guardian and the proposition does sound rather comforting.

“Well we can’t stay here, my plan’s been to head east and find loved ones who hopefully haven’t been obliterated by the new denizens of post-sanity Earth. You two seem like good people to have around, are you interested in travelling together?” Beeblebrox asks the two of them.

They look at each other and reminisce about their first meeting, saving one another, and how they set out together only to once more come upon the crossroads.

“We’re gonna have to teach the kid how to fuck shit up though,” says Anal Penetrator as she shows off her Katana to Jesse.

“I think a few of the cultists are still around, we might be able to hitch a ride,” says Logan.

All of their vehicles being charred, Logan orders four of the people in black who remain to serve as their vehicles. They get down on all fours and our heroes mount them like loyal steeds. Jesse doesn’t know how to compute what’s happening, Anal Penetrator is right at home, Logan feels like his on top of the world, and Beeblebrox has his Swiffer-Broom strapped behind him ready for anything. Together they slowly ride out of the compound heading east, for greener pastures.

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McCreary Declan Pandemic: We've Run Out of Toilet Paper!

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