Cooper S. Beckett

A LIFE LESS MONOGAMOUS

dedicated to K

for making me realize

it was really about them

1

Ryan found himself captivated by the small crack in the ceiling even as he knew he was supposed to be having sex with his wife. He stared at it, focused on it. Two and a half weeks since their last sexual encounter. That gap of time was a new record for them – at least when period, family, or occasional business trips didn’t factor into things. He couldn’t attribute the waning urge to age, either. As much as he felt old, past his prime, he knew he couldn’t classify himself as “older” with a straight face. While thirty-two may once have been middle-aged, these days it still qualified as quite young. It meant figuring things out. Still unsettled.

Still unsettled, indeed.

Even if he could consider himself old, the fault didn’t lie there. Things had always been like this. He and Jennifer had never been one of those couples that couldn’t keep their hands off each other, not even in the beginning when they’d first started dating. Young when they got together, only eighteen and nineteen, with Ryan older by just a few months. They’d been good kids. They’d waited a couple months before the first fumblings, first blips of fluid, first trembling fingers down pants, perhaps stymied by the fear of pregnancy instilled in them from overzealous sex ed classes.

Jennifer had never seen a penis before she unzipped his jeans in the basement of her parent’s house one warm summer night. She’d told him of her one and only prior sexual experience, which had taken place in total darkness with an excess of clothing. Her wide eyes and open mouth betrayed fear when she unsheathed Ryan. He knew his penis measured just on the happy side of average, so it couldn’t have been fear of size. Instead, he read her surprise as dislike and didn’t talk about it, beginning to wear that pattern of noncommunication into their relationship, setting back their progress around the proverbial bases by another four weeks.

Ryan had learned, through hand jobs from his previous girlfriend, how to keep things from exploding on contact and managed a respectable, though unremarkable, nine minute showing before the end of their first time. The tenor of their sexual encounters was set that day, respectable though unremarkable ever since.

We don’t want to be one of those couples, Ryan’s mind insisted, trying to rouse himself from wondering how he had not noticed the crack before. Perhaps he rarely laid on his back, looking straight up. Only this position when cuddling with Jennifer, when cuddling before—well, before, before what? What were they doing here?

Roughly fifteen minutes before laying her head on Ryan’s chest while he stared at the ceiling, Jennifer had looked over at Ryan from the opposite side of their sectional couch. They didn’t sit so far apart because they disliked being close; it was just for the simple convenience of each having an end table to themselves. She’d held the March issue of Cosmo, far out of date and vastly more insipid than the last issue she’d read almost a decade ago. The magazine had traveled home with her from Dr. Petrillo’s office because she thought that, just maybe, one of the “How to Please Your Man” articles might be helpful.

Because helpful certainly didn’t describe Dr. Petrillo.

The magazine’s newest suggestion perplexed Jennifer, advising that while on a hike with her man, she find a small, flat stone and conceal it, so that later it might be pressed up against his anus. Her eyebrow cocked with skepticism, her hazel eyes narrowed. What on earth would Ryan do if she suddenly pressed a rock against his asshole? Flip out, surely, and not because of sexual prudishness, but because the whole idea was such an “out of left field” thing to do. Strange, unusual.

Though, if it might help…

No. She put down the Cosmo.

“Ryan,” she said, more of an outward breath than an actual vocalization. Again, girl, louder this time! “Hey, um, Ryan.”

He looked away from his game of Super Mario World and offered “Hmm?” with a smile. For a moment, the childlike innocence of the man she had married overwhelmed her, and all at once she felt a distinct discomfort about sexually ravishing him. Not that she had the energy to ravish anyway. Nor the inclination, really. Hell, they’d both be happy with a little missionary and then call it a night.

It’s been too long. We’re becoming one of those couples, she thought, biting her lip hard enough to surprise a yelp out of her.

Ryan hit pause and blinked at her.

“I was just wondering if you wanted to go upstairs.”

“Oh,” he said. “Yeah, hold on, I’ll get to a save point.”

He did, and they went.

But after undressing across the room from one another and climbing under their six hundred thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, Jennifer rested her head on Ryan’s chest, and there they lay: naked, ready, willing, able, not having sex.

With her head high on his chest, every breath he took blew a small lock of her chestnut hair aloft, where it drifted for a moment, then settled back down.

Ryan’s eyes fell to the top of Jennifer’s head, then back to the ceiling where the crack watched them, wondering, he was certain, why the two of them didn’t have more frequent sex.

He didn’t have an answer for that, though when Dr. Petrillo had asked him alone, with Jennifer waiting in the vestibule for her turn to have one-on-one time, Ryan did admit to a wish she’d initiate more. Petrillo found that noteworthy, jotting a rare note onto his pad in a gesture that made Ryan feel a tiny bit validated. Petrillo never shared his own thoughts, just made that occasional small note and a request to “tell me more about that.” Aside from the silly mantra worksheet he’d given them, Ryan had begun to think these sessions a superficial waste of one hundred and twenty-five dollars an hour. Petrillo had never even asked about his sex drive!

Once Ryan’s youthful race to the top of Sex Hill had reached its zenith a decade and change before, his drive to climb the hill had become smaller every time, he knew. It wasn’t for lack of interest, it was just sometimes easier to rub one out himself in front of the computer at three in the morning than wake Jennifer, she of the early work meetings. Also easier, certainly, than trying to coax an orgasm out of his wife.

Ryan frowned. Was that the crux? The orgasm thing? Jennifer had orgasms, they just weren’t very… well, they were few and far between. When they did happen, they weren’t so much fireworks, but more the kind of sparklers you find in the impulse buy section of 7-11 in early July. That’s not fair, he thought. Orgasms are harder for women. Despite the fact that as a woman of thirty-one, Jennifer sat at her biological sexual peak, she also sat under a decade’s worth of pressure to demonstrate her enjoyment.

Probably fakes it in case I can’t stay hard.

His eyes widened. Now why had he gone and thrown that idea into the mix? Thoughts like that served no purpose. None at all! Except maybe to turn up the heat on his own performance anxiety. Of all the things that might need to be dialed up in the valley surrounding this fledgling marriage, he’d prefer his occasional inability to hold an erection didn’t take priority.

With her head on Ryan’s chest, Jennifer could tell that he had some serious thinking going on, the kind with plot twists and mood swings. His breathing and heartbeat vacillated from calm, almost contemplative, to quick and wildly erratic. She wondered what he could be thinking about. Couldn’t be that nervous about sex, could he? Was he worried that the performance anxiety thing would come back? How many times would she have to tell him that it was okay before he’d start believing?

She wasn’t bothered by his perceived failings, and, unbeknownst to Ryan, about two years ago she’d discovered the healing power of the shower head massager. This discovery had led to finding an orgasm on her own. Unbeknownst to both of them, simultaneous orgasms had occurred on multiple separate occasions. A win, indeed, just perhaps not the win they’d reached for, as the orgasms had occurred in separate rooms.

Maybe she ought to tell him?

Maybe they could shower together.

Freddie Mercury implored them not to stop him now, and insisted that because he was traveling at the speed of light, they call him Mr. Fahrenheit. Ryan’s eyes blinked open. Blurry. He rubbed them. In the distance, he could hear the shower. He turned to his phone, which now wanted to make a supersonic woman of him, and tapped the triple zzzs to give himself nine more minutes of peace. His tap amounted to a shove, and the phone disappeared behind the nightstand.

We fell asleep, he realized. Fuck.

He ran a hand through his hair and counted the strands that came out with it. Twelve today. Seven of them still tan. Only seven. Can’t stop the march of time, bucko, he told himself. Got to get a handle on other things, though, they’re all spiraling out of control.

Feet on the floor, good start.

Ryan sat on the edge of the bed, elbows on his knees, hands propping his chin up. His morning wood asserted itself, but he regarded it as nothing more than a nuisance that would have to make itself scarce before he could use the toilet.

He lifted a sheet of yellow note paper off the nightstand, covered in several hand written lines of text. Their mantras. Lines that they’d worked out with Dr. Petrillo. A snake-oil lifeline out of the hole.

“So, we just say this stuff?” Jennifer had asked after they’d finished working it out with their doctor less than a month prior.

“When you both feel that the time is right, you’ll decide to make the change.” Petrillo had told them over tented fingers, a clichéd pose that made the quality of the content that much more dubious.

Jennifer had dismissed the mantras out of hand on the way home from his office. The paper had sat, folded, in the same spot on his nightstand for the ensuing weeks. Ryan didn’t hold much hope either, but something had to change.

The shower stopped and Jennifer emerged. He watched her preen in the mirror.

“Today is the day we change our lives,” Ryan read.

Jennifer poked her head out of the bathroom, electric toothbrush in her mouth, eyes wide, perplexed, a look on her face that silently asked “Really?”

“When we leave this bedroom today, nothing will ever be the same.” He looked up again from the paper and shrugged.

Jennifer spat.

“We’re moving forward,” he said.

“Getting older, certainly,” she added.

“I know, it’s—”

“It’s silly, Ryan.”

“We fell asleep last night instead of having the sex we both claim to want.” He threw his hands up and waved the paper at her. “I’m willing to give it a try. Are you?”

Her comically smug expression, accented by lips covered in toothpaste foam, hung and grew serious. She nodded.

“Then, today is the day we change our lives,” he asserted.

“Nothing will ever be the same.” She waved her hand in a circular motion. “Etcetera.”

Ryan smiled at his wife, seeing the vaguest glimmer of hope in the smile she returned. “We change because we choose to do so. We change because we are no longer…”

“We’re no longer content to be ‘just okay.’” She sat on the bed next to him. The fresh, crisp scent of her shampoo wafted into his nostrils.

He’d always thought her the most beautiful woman, never once doubting his love for her. His commitment, though… There sat doubt. “For someone who doesn’t hold much stock, you sure seem to know the text,” he poked at her.

Jennifer stuck her lower lip out and cocked her jaw. In a flash of naked flesh, she grabbed the paper. “You don’t?”

He knew the words too. That night in Petrillo’s office had been a mild form of catharsis, the kind of night where you realize all the things you want to say and what you want to change, but can’t quite make it happen. He’d read the mantras over and over again on the ride home, as Jennifer drove in silence. “Because ‘just okay’ is no way to live.”

“It’s not acceptable anymore.”

“Because it’s not what we want from our lives. Right?”

Jennifer nodded, sincerity in her eyes, but also a tinge of desperation. He knew the desperation well, because it had crept up on him, too. From the outside looking in, their marriage looked fine, healthy. At least, no more at-risk than anybody else’s. They rarely fought, certainly not in public. They were nice to each other, affectionate. All outward appearances normal. Internally, though, when the chips were down, they’d both felt an upsetting certainty: This is how friends feel toward each other, not lovers, not husband and wife. This is how roommates feel. Roommates that occasionally get around to sex when the urges reach critical mass.

“We can do this,” said Ryan, though it sounded more like a question than a statement.

“We can do this.” Jennifer sounded even less sure of herself, but they held eye contact a moment before she changed the subject. “Don’t forget, the party at Barbara and Noah’s is tonight.”

The promise of the moment gone, Ryan flopped onto his back on the bed, sighing theatrically.

“You knew about this. I thought you wanted to—”

“It’s been a long week,” he griped

“I know,” she said, moving her hands to her hips, a comical stance of nude defiance.

“Do we really need to go?”

Jennifer threw her hands up in the air. “I don’t know, Ryan. Isn’t this the day we, you know, live?”

Ryan scowled.

2

“We’ll stay an hour, maybe two,” said Ryan, fishing a grocery bag stuffed with chips and dip out of the back seat.

“I don’t know, hon,” Jennifer slung her purse over her shoulder and held a hand out for one of the bags, but Ryan shook his head. “It seems like we’re always the first ones to head out at—”

“We work, they know that.”

“They all work too.”

She held her hands out again, this time with more insistence. He relented and slung one of the grocery bags around her right wrist. They both took a deep breath and turned towards Barbara and Noah Watkins’ house, set far enough back on the lot to allow its upper middle class mini McMansion status to play its intimidation game with those who weren’t able to park in the driveway.

Jennifer began to stride across the lawn, but Ryan didn’t follow. After a moment she looked back at her husband, standing in the moonlight, two Jewel grocery bags at his side, shoulders slumped, hair falling in his face a bit, and there, for a fleeting second, she felt the stirring that has been so long slumbering, that bit of warmth, the tingle. Let’s just skip this party and go home and fuck… Stop this making love pressure and just go fuck for chrissakes!

But the words didn’t leave her lips. Instead she half smiled at Ryan, and he half smiled back.

“Are you driving us home tonight?” she asked him as he joined her on the front porch.

“Do you want to drink?”

“I don’t know.”

Ryan’s phone appeared, and he swiped through his calendar. “I need to be downtown by noon tomorrow.”

“Maybe we just shouldn’t drink.” But oh, after the tingles, she felt that a drink might be essential.

“Yeah.” Ryan rang the doorbell. “Just let me know when you’re ready to bolt. They’ll understand.”

“I hate doing that,” Jennifer sighed heavily. “Do I look okay?”

Ryan nodded.

“You’ve got something…” She pulled a fuzz off his lapel. “Got it.”

The door swung open, revealing Barbara Watkins in all her hostessing glory. Tall and slender, clinging to the last scraps of her thirties, Barbara looked every inch the sort of woman who drove an impeccably clean white SUV, sunglasses on, black hair pulled into a ponytail. Her cocktail dress, midnight blue, was far showier than it needed to be, of course, but what should one do with money but spend it? “I’m so glad you guys could make it! Wouldn’t be a Christmas party without the Lamberts! But what about that other thing you had?”

“Got canceled,” said Jennifer, dismissing their excuse. She breezed into the house.

“Great! Well, not great, but, you know what I mean.”

Ryan’s smile appeared genuine when he told her they were glad they could be there. Jennifer marveled at his ability to do that. He was always able to seem at home, even when uncomfortable. Able to seem happy, even when—

“I’ll take the food.”

Jennifer snapped out of her momentary melancholy and realized what was missing. “Do you have the wine, honey?”

“Crap, it’s in the trunk. I’ll get it.”

Ryan relished the momentary opportunity to vanish from the foyer and walk, all on his own, back across the massive front lawn. Moments alone weren’t infrequent, but he hesitated to take them lest it be thought he didn’t want to spend time with Jennifer. Rarely did he find himself able to stroll. Tonight he strolled, because Jennifer was with her friend, and while she might be thinking about how long his trek back for the wine was taking, she’d be at least partially distracted by some discussion of Christmas shopping or the Watkins’ children. Surely something more interesting than Ryan Lambert.

“What’s the plan?” The question drifted to Ryan’s ears from a few feet distant, where a handsome man walked towards the house with his companion. Dark hair, very roguish, mid-forties, he had a woman of spectacular grace on his arm. Ryan had always felt that Barbara and Noah Watkins, while lovely people, were posers of class. Never sure quite how to do it right. But this couple, strolling up the walkway instead of cutting across the grass like a cad, exuded worldly class, and Ryan couldn’t take his eyes off them.

He closed the trunk and hung back so he could observe, staying a moment behind in step.

The woman tightened her grip on the man’s arm and rested her head on his shoulder, bunching her wavy cascade of strawberry-blond hair against him. “I don’t think we need a plan, darling.” Her voice was deep, velvety, almost having a weight of its own.

“Gotcha,” said the man. “All vanilla tonight, right?”

The woman smiled, devilish, and bit her lip. “Unless someone surprises us, yeah.”

The man laughed.

She swatted him. “Remember, I work with her! So—”

“I will be on my absolute best behavior.”

She laughed hard at that. “Yeah, I know what that’s like.”

Re-entering the foyer, Ryan stood behind the man and woman as they removed their coats. Barbara returned with Jennifer.

“Oh!” said Barbara, a strange cautiousness in her words. “I didn’t realize you knew each other.”

It was only then that the classy man and woman turned and noticed him. Ryan Lambert lifted his hand in a weak wave. “I was just behind them.”

“Were you?” the woman asked, making eye contact with him, as though she were asking a much more important question.

“I was getting the—” Ryan lost his train of thought in the woman’s crystal blue eyes before his own fell just enough to begin to appreciate the expanse of bare skin below her neck, plunging line downward into spectacular—

“Wine?”

He looked back up. Jennifer waved at him. Ryan swallowed hard.

“And now here it is, and here you are, and I’m Bruce Shepard.” Bruce Shepard extended his hand, exuding the sort of confidence Ryan had only ever seen in men to be cautious of: sales folk, convention speakers. But somehow, as he took Bruce’s warm hand to shake, he didn’t feel the same concern. While holding Ryan’s hand in his, Bruce made eye contact and smiled, dipping his head into a short nod, then relaxing his grip.

“Ryan Lambert,” Ryan announced, and pointed with the bottle toward Jennifer, who took it from him. “My wife is—”

“Jennifer,” she said, and gave them a wave Ryan felt must have been eerily similar to the one he’d provided moments before. “Hi.”

The woman turned back to Ryan. “I’m Paige, and she is gorgeous.”

Jennifer blinked, then coughed back a laugh.

“And lo, in my foyer came Shepards, keeping watch over my flock by night.” Noah Watkins appeared, a touch wider than he’d been before Thanksgiving, neat Scotch in one hand, the other open for a high handshake that always became a half hug and a clap on the back. He delivered one of these to both Bruce and Ryan.

The women each received a kiss on the cheek, then Noah suggested that the four of them “join the festivities.” He led the party as though out of Hamlin, with Ryan lingering behind, suddenly uncertain about whether or not they belonged here. Surely they did, their friends had invited them, but they didn’t have the money, the class…

Bruce, at the end of the pack, looked back. “That man may have already had his limit.”

Ryan laughed.

“Now that we’re old friends, shall we?” Bruce raised his hand and led the way into the party.

3

Ryan sat, nursing his second Jack and Coke of the evening, at the cherry wood wet bar in Noah Watkins’ basement man-cave. He stared past Noah, playing bartender at the mirror-backed shelf across the bar. Between the top tier bottles of Noah’s newfound Scotch obsession, he saw the reflection of a young man who looked exhausted. How could that be? How could life have run so roughshod over him, extracting the jubilance and joy he’d had as a young man? Now, a not so much older man sipping a drink he didn’t really like, declining every time his giddy friend offered him another Scotch while explaining where it was from and how ungodly expensive the bottle was, with a world weariness that originated from no identifiable source.

Good job. Stable. Not wealthy by any stretch, certainly nowhere in the same ballpark as the new money Watkins, flagrantly spending anywhere and anyhow they could, recession be damned. Envy maybe, then? Was that the reason for the weariness in the eyes in the mirror across the bar that must have cost more than his car? Fabulously long, with seating for ten, and magnificent flat screen televisions on either side, both running a high definition broadcast of that Christmas staple, The Yule Log.

Perhaps envy at the fact that Noah and Barbara had seemingly figured It out, where he and Jennifer had not? The indefinable It eluded him. Was it their relationship? Their money? Their jobs? Their family? Again, Ryan felt the internal assurance that he was content with the income arriving bi-monthly in the Lambert bank account. His job was perfectly fine. Both he and Jennifer mostly regarded children as an inconvenience that they would have to ship off somewhere whenever they wanted to go out for the night, however rare that desire manifested.

Maybe they’re having sex, suggested something deep within Ryan.

There it sat, perhaps, the crux of the problem. Content everywhere, but with this little canker festering and exhausting the both of them on all topics non-sexual, so they couldn’t even see the stem. “Petrillo really should’ve noticed that,” Ryan told his Jack and Coke, now very nearly through.

Noah finished up with two loud drunkards at the opposite end of the bar and slid down toward Ryan. Ryan kept his head down toward his glass, so Noah stared at the top of his head for a while, then grabbed his small bar towel from his shoulder and began to wipe down a glass in a most theatrical fashion. “Long day?”

Ryan smirked. “What’re you doing back there?”

“You kidding?” Noah threw out rhetorically. “This way everybody has to come see me, none of that mingling crap. ‘Where’s Noah?’ ‘At the bar downstairs, if you want to get a drink.’”

“Makes perfect sense.”

“Sam!” Noah bellowed, lifting his finger of Scotch up in a salute to Sam Morton, who slid onto the stool next to Ryan.

Sam, slender, his retreating blond hairline and sallow expression suggesting an age far greater than thirty-eight, wearing a thick, ill-fitting, and likely home-knit sweater sighed before asking for a “Blind Russian.”

“The fuck is a Blind Russian?” demanded Noah, eyes squinted at Sam.

“Same as a White Russian, only with Bailey’s instead of cream.”

“Nicely done, Sam, found a way to remove the only non-alcoholic portion of your drink and replace it with more alcohol.” Ryan tipped his glass. “Cheers.”

Sam gave a dramatic sigh as he folded his hands on the bar. “It’s a constant now,” he told them gloomily. His demeanor spoke volumes and told Ryan and Noah what “it” was without their asking. Sam had, for the last few months, had a recurring problem with the dreaded erectile dysfunction, something that the three of them had hesitated to actually refer to as ED, for that would give it name, and this was something that should not be named. Ryan and Noah exchanged solemn nods as Sam continued. “She said, ‘No, don’t worry…’ and all that ever does is make you worry!”

“Yeah,” returned Noah. The flaw in this bartender impression was, as always, his inability to empathize when occasionally Ryan or, far more often, Sam spoke of difficulties in his bedroom.

“And once I start worrying about it,” Sam continued, “it’s all I can think about. And nothing says limp quite like worry. It’s like trying to push a fish into a garden hose.”

The simile hung in the air between the three men as each reflected on what it meant to them. Ryan stuck his finger in his almost empty glass and shuttled the ice about.

Noah cleared his throat. “Okay, now, I know I’ve suggested it before, and…”

“I don’t want Viagra.” Sam was firm, punctuating the sentence with a heavier than usual clink of his glass on the bar top. “It’s psychological. I can beat it.”

“Well…” said Noah with a sigh. “Godspeed.”

“When did it stop being fun for you guys?” Ryan asked.

Sam looked up from his drink. “Oh, god… years?”

“Too much worry…” Ryan finished the Jack and Coke and held it up for Noah.

Sam gave a soulful nod. “Way too much worry.”

“We’re talking sex, right?” Noah slid the finished Blind Russian over to Sam. “You poor bastards. It’s still fun for me. You know, do new things. New places. New… And when you do it, you gotta just slide it in, don’t ask permission first or you’ll get knocked down. Got very close last night. Very close. Like more than just the tip.”

“Adventurous isn’t simply sliding your dick in her ass when she’s not expecting it, Noah,” Ryan snorted.

“It’s an adventure,” he returned.

“It’s all about the attempt for you?” asked Sam.

“Sure.”

Sam raised his glass in toast. “In that case, I’m doing spectacularly. We attempt daily.”

Ryan sucked the last of the Jack and Coke off one of his ice cubes and spit it back into the glass. “You’re having sex with Patti daily?”

“Well, I can’t—”

“Sam!” Noah slammed his hand down on the bar and his voice took on the baritone of too much drink again. “Knocking it out time and time again. And you were implying… well… less.”

Ryan stared at Sam in disbelief. Sam, married six years longer than him. Sam, balding, almost skeletal, was having sex every single day. “All that sex.”

“Well,” Sam argued, “it can hardly be called sex, can it?”

“Are you putting your penis into her vagina?”

“A little.”

Noah poured himself another Scotch. “Let’s drink to this wonderful revelation!”

4

The last of a bottle of golden Moscato cascaded into Jennifer Lambert’s waiting wine glass. “Oh,” she said and smiled at Barbara. “Thanks.”

Barbara shrugged and set the empty bottle alongside several fallen compatriots on the black speckled granite countertop near the sink. “Looking glum. Certainly far too glum for a Christmas party.”

“Nah,” denied Jennifer, waving it away and masking with a smile. There was the smile that kept things nice and social and polite. That affirmed everything was a-okay. Nothing wrong with her life, her marriage, her sex life, nothing at all, thank you kindly.

Barbara looked at her a moment longer before taking her by the elbow and pulling her toward a small collection of women gathered around the chips and dip on the center island, directly below a hanging sconce. The cornerstone of Barbara Watkins’ McMansion had to be her well-appointed kitchen, laid out in oak and granite with tile floors and inset lights, halogen and LEDs, around the bases of the cabinets. Mood lighting when the main overheads were turned off. Now additionally adorned with several strings of white twinkle light garland.

Of the four woman surrounding the island, Jennifer knew Patti Morton, the wife of one of Ryan’s friends, and the sultry woman she’d briefly met in the entry way before Noah ushered them all in.

“I can’t go more than a day without the gym, anymore,” declared the woman, taking a healthy swing of her wine. Jennifer watched her swirl behind her perfect lips and felt a quivery feeling deep within that she couldn’t readily identify.

“I wish I had your energy, Paige, I really do.” Patti, giving her thirty-fifth year a third go, just now over the edge of tipsy, swirled her own wine in her glass, a pale simulacrum of a move that the woman named Paige had done moments before. “I always say I’m going to go more often. Doesn’t help that I can barely drag Sam off the couch.”

Paige caught Jennifer’s eye and winked, triggering an unexpected bout of self-consciousness within her. Had that wink been meant for her? Had Paige noticed that Jennifer had been staring at her lips for the last few… Quit staring, say something! “You, uh, you look great.”

“Well, thank you, Jennifer! Doesn’t come easy, believe me!” An effortless laugh cascaded from those same spectacular lips, glinting under the twinkle lights with a shine that didn’t seem to transfer itself to her glass. How did she do that?

Barbara offered a shrug. “They say you can become addicted to anything, provided you do it enough.”

“Every year I try. Make it until around the third week in January, then say…” Jennifer again felt the self-consciousness, afraid to say—

“Fuck it?” suggested Paige.

Jennifer laughed. “Yeah.”

“Well,” Paige held her wine glass between her palms and rolled the crimson wine back and forth within, then cocked her jaw and looked up, as though she were considering the wisdom of the ages. “You have to reward yourself after. I get a weekly massage.”

Patti expelled an audible sigh. “We could never afford that.”

“I didn’t say I pay for it!” Paige winked. “Bruce has magic hands!”

Barbara smirked. “I’ll bet.”

The Watkins house was full of people who were trying. This woman in front of Jennifer, Paige Shepard, was different. Paige was succeeding. And making it look easy. Jennifer couldn’t quite define what it was Paige was succeeding at, but she had… a quality. A quality that offered something very unique, in fact, deep within.

The warmth and velvety-smooth intoxication that descended upon Jennifer Lambert brought with it faint pangs of long-forgotten feelings, confusing and exciting, abstract and scary. For a moment, Jennifer was reminded of her eleventh summer, and a slumber party in a tent in her backyard with two girls from school. But as soon as the memory formed in her mind, it vanished again like smoke from a snuffed candle. Paige’s eyes were on her again, the faintest smirk on her lips, but as soon as Jennifer noticed, Paige turned her attention back to the group.

The memory and her sure to-be-noticeable leering brought Jennifer to the conclusion that she ought to make a hasty exit. Find Ryan, grab coats, keys, go. Barbara would be disappointed they weren’t staying for White Elephant, the game that Ryan always called Nasty Christmas, but she’d understand. Something Jennifer ate, maybe, a bout of luncheon food poisoning. She gulped the last of her Moscato down and spun to retreat to safety, beyond the reach of these indefinable feelings. Her flight ended quickly as she slammed into Paige’s husband.

“Whoa,” he said. “Let’s not be hasty.” He put a hand on her shoulder, looking down and smiling at her. His hand was cold and smelled of tobacco, the idea of which usually repulsed Jennifer, but the scent also called to mind the past. Other summers’ evenings on her front porch, neighbor smoking a cigar. The momentary regression made her smile and look away.

“Not leaving already, I hope,” he said with a smile.

“No,” said Jennifer. “I was—”

Paige caught the eye of her husband. “Bruce! Speak of the devil.”

“And the devil appears,” returned Bruce. “Didn’t want to drop this in the yard, Barbara, my dear.” He held up the final remnants of a snuffed cigar, and the comforting smell again captivated Jennifer.

Barbara held out her palm. After a moment’s hesitation and a nod from her, he put the cigar into her open hand. “Thank you,” she said.

“Thank you!” He clapped his hands together. “Good stuff to speak of, I hope.”

Paige brought her hand to his bicep and gave it a light squeeze. “Magic hands.”

Bruce gave a laugh, hearty and true. “These old things?” He held up his hands to the ladies.

Paige’s hand dropped to the small of Bruce’s back, and the effortlessness of their interaction overtook Jennifer. These two made marriage look easy. Smiling at each other with genuine smiles, not the semi-glazed looks that so many of their friends carried around to exchange with their significant others, their life partners, their better halves. Somehow Bruce and Paige seemed to have stepped from out of a movie screen, showcasing the kind of heightened-reality love story that comes without problems, regret, envy, jealousy. Somehow…

“Doesn’t everyone look just marvelous here.” Bruce’s smile was wide, without a tinge of smarminess. He made eye contact with Jennifer. Smoldering chestnut brown eye contact. Then he pointed at the empty glass in her hand. “Jennifer Lambert, you need more wine.”

She raised her hand, unsure how to proceed. Moments ago she’d been desperate to leave and now, despite the words “Oh, no, I probably…” spilling forth from her mouth of their own accord, she held up her glass toward this man, desperate to have another drink. Desperate to have him bring it for her.

“What do you like, beautiful? Merlot, Cabernet, Chianti, Chablis. I can go on, but please stop me when I get somewhere. Pinot Gris, Char—”

Jennifer nodded. “Yes.”

Despite the understanding in Bruce’s eyes, he questioned her. “Yes?”

“Anything.”

Paige whispered in her ear. “He knows oodles about wine, why don’t you go with him.” Her hot breath on Jennifer’s neck sent shivers down her spine.

Bruce offered his arm. Jennifer looked to Paige for approval. Could it be this woman was actually sending her off with her husband? People didn’t do that. That would be wrong, somehow, wouldn’t it? At a party, indeed, people would talk. But Paige smiled and nodded, so Jennifer hooked her arm into his and followed him from the room.

“Will you allow me to surprise you with something?” asked Bruce, looking back over his shoulder.

“Something?” Jennifer asked, uncertain, the amount of wine already in her system making her thoughts dance in and out of focus, playing tricks on each other, shoving and scrapping.

He laughed. “With some wine, my dear, nothing nefarious.”

“Oh,” was all she could find to respond.

He suggested she sit as he perused the bar, lined with bottles she was sure outclassed anything on their fridge-top wine rack at home. She obliged and sat.

The overstuffed leather sectional couch seemed to stretch out for miles in what Jennifer had once heard Barbara Watkins call their “great room.” She sat, legs stretched along one exceptional wing of the couch, her back to a cream leather pillow against the cream leather armrest of this cream leather island.

Bruce sat mere inches from her toes. He leaned over to hand her a new glass of beautifully deep crimson wine, his charcoal sport coat brushing against the tips of her toes clad in black tights.

“Thank you,” she said, feeling mildly naughty that here she sat with another woman’s husband; freely given, to be sure, but alone, off somewhere, at a party. That’s always when you hear someone speak up, in the distance, saying something like “Has anyone seen Jennifer?” and “I think I saw her with Bruce” and there’d be a to-do. There was always a to-do.

She took a long sip and felt warmth in her mouth. About to swallow, she hesitated, watching Bruce admire his own wine in the light, swishing the liquid in his mouth, taking a deep breath, closing his eyes. Then swallowing.

Jennifer gulped and hers went down as well. She coughed, and the cough turned into a laugh.

“Superb, isn’t it?”

She nodded. “What is it?”

“Amarone della Valpolicella,” said Bruce. He set his glass on the equally expansive ottoman/coffee table/island next to them, folded his hands together and leaned an arm on the back of the couch to tip himself in her direction. “We bought two cases when we were there. Have you been?”

“Have I— What?”

“Damn, sorry. I hate when people do that.”

Jennifer smiled at him. He was flustered and she had no idea why, but at least now she wasn’t the only one. “Do what?” She leaned over her legs towards him.

“Make assumptions of wealth.”

“Ah,” she nodded, then shook her head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I don’t really care.” She blinked slowly and realized that things were getting smoother. “This is really… really… good.”

“Packs a wallop too,” he said as she finished her glass. He took it from her and set it on the ottoman. “It’s from Valpolicella, just north of Verona, actually.”

“Ahh…” she drew out the sound of the word longer than she should’ve and nodded again, ignoring the inner warning bells sounding that she’d crossed that warm and welcoming threshold of alcohol into the foyer known as tipsy. “Fair Verona, where we lay our scene.”

Bruce’s laugh was hearty, the laugh of a Viking, she imagined. “Indeed it is. Shakespeare fan then?”

“A master’s thesis worth, anyway.”

“Dedication.”

“Regrets…”

He dropped an eyebrow as he squinted a bit, sizing her up.

Maybe he’s wondering whether he should be hanging out with a drunk girl. How many glasses did we have tonight? Jennifer frowned. Well, we had two in the kitchen, one from Noah when we arrived, and hmm, maybe I shouldn’t—

“Should I have brought the bottle?”

“No, no, no,” another indicator, the repetition of words. Abort, Jen. “I’m silly enough already.”

“So this is silly Jennifer Lambert, then?”

Jennifer leaned forward again and wrapped her hands around her feet, bent over now almost in two, to get as close as possible to Bruce. Smelling the scent of his aftershave, just a hint beneath the still-lingering effects of the tobacco. “The potential is certainly there, as I seem to have had one or two more drinks than I anticipated having tonight.”

Bruce dropped his lower jaw in a look of mock shock.

“Indeed! I could break out the silly at any moment.”

“I’m a big fan of the silly drunk.” He put his hand on her hand, and she felt the weight and warmth transfer to her foot. So intimate, touching one’s feet, even just a finger brushing, even in tights. “I myself turn verbose and introspective when drunk.”

His thumb moved across her index finger, drawing its way upward to the ball of her foot. She straightened, suddenly. He has a wife. “And, um, Paige?”

Bruce didn’t miss a beat. “When drunk? Well, Paige is a nympho.” The cat that ate the canary grin appeared. His eyes moved behind her and he smiled wider.

Jennifer tipped her head back, a move she immediately regretted due to the spins it brought on, and saw Paige in the doorway, leaning casually on the frame, glass of wine in her hand. Jennifer let out a quick gasp as her face turned hot. Why would she have sent me with him if she didn’t want us talking? she wondered, mind scrambling and unscrambling itself.

She turned her body quickly, swinging her legs to the floor. “Oh, um, Paige, I—” Bruce grabbed the wine glass out of her hand moments before a spill.

Paige stepped forward, palm toward her. “Oh, no, I was happy to see you hanging out. He usually just spends time in the yard. I’m glad he found a friend.”

Jennifer didn’t have a response for that.

“Can I borrow him for a moment?”

“Can, what?” Now with both feet on the ground, Jennifer was bodily steady, but the blush held firm on her cheeks and she could feel the throb of her heartbeat.

Bruce handed her wine glass back to her. “I do hope you’ll stay.” He stood.

Jennifer took another sip and nodded, keeping her gaze on her glass, as Paige and Bruce disappeared from the room.

5

Bruce Shepard loved to walk behind his wife. Watching her move through a room held such pleasure. The obvious, of course, her shapely figure, toned from exceptional gym discipline, the recognition that sexy didn’t mean stick-skinny, and great genes. Tone and curves from top to bottom. That was mere window dressing, however; the real reason Bruce loved to walk behind Paige was to see her effortless glide.

Truly she was better at owning a room than he, and it gave him something to aspire to, to work toward. Everywhere she walked, she belonged. He smiled. The first time he had laid eyes on her was in high school. Paige Norton, cheerleader. Cheering in the red and white pleats and pompoms of the North Bend Wildcats. Her hair was big then, everybody’s was, and it bounced in the flickering stadium lights, shining like a beacon.

A quarterback had watched the head of the squad, smiling and planning to ask her out that night, after the game, after a Wildcat win. Perhaps he’d throw her over his shoulder to take her out for a meal and then to the victory party. Paige had different ideas, and told the quarterback, whose name Bruce could no longer remember, that she really appreciated the offer, but had to decline.

After the Wildcats lost, and the team had left the field to support staff and cleanup, Bruce asked what she had planned for the night. “Well, I suppose whatever you’re about to ask me to do,” she’d responded with a gleaming smile, zipping closed her duffel bag. He still remembered the bits of pompom sticking out of the zipper. She’d been distracted. Flustered even. Or was he giving himself too much credit?

Their first conversation lasted for two and a half hours in the chilly Midwestern late October, on cold bleachers, until the lights of the outdoor stadium snapped off, drinking the unsold hot chocolate from the refreshment stand that Bruce ran for the extra credit that came with the job. Their first kiss had followed that conversation. Hard to believe that almost thirty years had slid by, almost as if by magic, unnoticed.

“You look proud of yourself,” said Paige, moving close to him.

“Nostalgic.” Bruce smiled. “And suddenly wishing I had some hot chocolate.”

“Perhaps the afterparty could have hot chocolate,” she suggested and kissed him on the cheek. “How’s your friend?”

“Jennifer?” asked Bruce. “She’s the kind of girl to make you wish you spoke a little French.”

Paige’s eyes sparkled. “Well then, cheers!” She clinked her glass with Bruce’s before turning pouty. “Barbara is furious.”

Bruce slung his arm over Paige’s shoulders. “Barbara is not furious, I assure you.”

“She’d like me to think she is.”

He shrugged. “She’s just concerned about her friends. I mean it’s not like you were plying this one with liquor.”

Paige leaned forward conspiratorially. “I think Barbara poured half a bottle of Moscato into her in the kitchen.”

“See, we’re entirely innocent, and Barbara has nothing to worry about.”

She lifted her eyes to his, and he saw the sparkle again. “Of course not. We don’t bite.”

“Much.” He kissed her forehead and held her in his embrace. Being nearly a foot taller allowed him to keep his lips pressed against her forehead, or nuzzle into her hair, which he did whenever, just to get a glorious whiff of this remarkable woman. “And what do you think of them?”

“She’s lovely,” Paige said.

“And Ryan?”

Paige looked back up and smiled wide. “Yum. I’ll have to drag him away from the boys downstairs.”

Bruce smiled, seeing in her devilish face the girl who had suggested they make out in the refreshment stand after the next home game, and then suggested far more than making out. “Drag away, beautiful.”

They pulled apart to go their separate ways, but first, Bruce ran his finger alongside his nose and winked at her.

She smirked and nodded. “You’re a big dork.”

“Hey,” he replied. “It was cool enough for Newman and Redford!”

“They were too cool for school.”

“And me?” he asked.

She held her hand out and tilted it from side to side. “Eh…”

6

“Paige!” called Noah, raising a glass to her arrival at the bottom of the stairs that ended in front of the basement bar.

Ryan smiled at her with a nod and tried to keep his direct gaze to a minimum, he’d already been caught looking on their first meeting and really didn’t want to make her think him some lecherous villain who couldn’t behave himself. Eyes back to his glass.

“Yes, Noah.” Paige folded her arms and slid onto the empty stool next to Ryan, on the far opposite end of the bar.

Noah leaned forward, then backward, then forward again, trying to look around both Ryan and Sam to the person he really wanted to talk to. “I need you to settle a debate.”

Sam shook his head. “There’s not really much debate.” He bored holes into his umpteenth Blind Russian, visibly embarrassed that Paige was being drawn into this vile guy talk. Perhaps also unwilling to look a beautiful woman in the eye at all. He sidelined his gaze to Ryan and rolled his eyes.

“Anything for you, Noah!” called Paige from the other end of the bar, tipping her glass. She reached down one long leg to run a single nail along her calf, perhaps scratching an itch. As she did, she leaned in closer to Ryan, filling his nostrils with the scent of, well, he didn’t know, but it didn’t smell like anything that would be bottled and sold as a scent. At once, he was certain this bouquet was simply how she smelled.

“Having fun?” she whispered to him, straightening back up.

Surprised by the overture, Ryan laughed to himself. His friends were quirky but genuine. The bluster and pomp that Noah put into everything rarely failed to elicit a smile, even if it was occasionally accompanied by a groan. And Sam, well, Sam was perhaps the one person in his life who always seemed more stressed out by the simple act of living than Ryan himself was. Was he having fun? “Always.” Then he did look Paige in the eye. The skin around her eyes crinkled as her mouth revealed a tiny smile.

“So what am I settling?” Paige asked Noah.

Perhaps to emphasize the importance of what he was about to ask, Noah set his drink on the bar and folded his hands. “We need a ruling down here, and when I saw you arrive I thought, who at this party would be better suited to answer this question than you?”

“Good Lord, Noah, that prelude.” Paige laughed.

Sam sighed entirely too loudly to be anything but for show.

“Anal.” Noah let the word hang in the room, loud enough to catch the attention of a few other party-goers who Ryan didn’t recognize. The men stood, staring quizzically in Noah’s direction, holding steady with their pool cues. After a moment, the one on the left sunk the seven ball. “Should we hem, and haw, and—”

Ryan interrupted Noah’s bravado, and brought the volume of the discussion back down to earlier levels. “Not hemming and hawing, Noah.” He turned to Paige. “He doesn’t think we should warn—”

“Like we’re attacking or—”

Ryan continued despite Noah’s attempt to explain himself. “—our wives that we’re going to try to—”

“That we’re going to stick it in, Paige.” Noah slapped the bar hard enough that his over-filled glass of Scotch splashed droplets onto the bar.

Ryan sighed and turned his face fully to Paige, her eyebrows sloping outward, lips pursed. “Yes,” he told her, pained.

“So,” she stood, touching Ryan’s knee as she did, and approached Noah. Sam turned his body away from what it looked like might be a confrontation. “You just jam it in there?”

Duck and cover, eh, Sam? Thought Ryan. “He tries,” he called after Paige.

“And fails,” mumbled Sam.

“Maybe Barbara just doesn’t want your dick in her ass.” Paige’s smirk grew, and she punctuated with a tip of her glass toward Noah.

Sam, emboldened, suggested “That’s something to consider, isn’t it?”

“So your conceit,” continued Paige, “is that women don’t like anal sex, and because of that you need to trick them by surprising them with that excruciating first push? Without proper lubrication I’ll assume as well, and no, Noah, spit doesn’t count as lube.”

Sam nodded, the way he likely had in the schoolyard seeing someone picking on his personal bully. “Nice summary.”

“She’s on to closing statements,” said Ryan, “then we, the jury, may retire.”

“That’s a bit simpler than I’d intended.” Some of Noah’s bluster was gone, but he continued, perhaps hoping to save a bit of face and convince the prosecutor of his innocence. “But, yeah, sorta. I do use Astroglide, though.”

Paige nodded, looking at the men at the bar, each in turn. She winked at Ryan.

He turned his focus inward. The touch, the leaning forward so he could smell her hair, the smile in her eyes. If he didn’t know better, he’d swear that this beautiful woman was flirting with him.

Did he know better?

“Well, Noah,” she began, putting her hand on Noah’s shoulder, “a good number of women who manage to get past that push actually love the sensation of anal sex, and by forcing the issue, you’re likely ensuring that she’ll never get past the clenching stage.”

The emboldened Sam was back. “See, Noah, have you thought about the clenching stage?”

Noah nodded at her, pursing his lips. “And you, Paige?”

She playfully poked at his nose. “I’ll never tell… you.” With that she scrunched her nose and grabbed Ryan’s hand. “C’mon, Ryan, you’ve outgrown this conversation.”

“You know, I thought that might have happened.”

“Bye, boys.” With a wink, she pulled him upstairs.

7

Jennifer slid her toes across the leather couch closer and closer to Bruce’s leg. She knew she was in dangerous territory here but did it anyway. He was in the middle of a fabulous story, of which she’d long since lost the main thread, but she still made a point to laugh when he looked at her with that grin. The signpost warning that the bridge is out was miles back. The velvety haze of red wine drunk had arrived, and Bruce kept refilling her glass. The one in front of her, a Barbaresco, was deep red, almost black in the dim light of the great room.

“To continue our tour of Italy,” he’d said as he gingerly handed it to her. “You will let me know when you’ve had enough of my unquenchable need to hear myself talk, yes?” She’d nodded, perhaps with a bit too much enthusiasm. Since then, she’d kept her movements to a minimum.

The current story involved Bruce and Paige’s children. Jennifer felt certain it was a positive story, that he wasn’t complaining about his family, but couldn’t recall more than that. Once thing was for sure, “You must be exhausted.”

Bruce flicked his eyes in her direction, a quizzical look in them. “No, no. I’ve got a nice buzz going on. And you’re a delightful conversational companion.”

She giggled. “No! I mean, in general. ’Cuz of…” she stammered, realizing that she’d already forgotten the names of the children. “Your kids. Kids are tough.”

“Do you have any?”

“Me?” Jennifer made a pssht sound and then immediately regretted it, sure she’d launched some saliva in Bruce’s direction. She tried to recover while keeping her visual search for wet spots on his pants on the down-low. “No, I just infer that they are. We’ve, Ryan and me, I mean, we’ve always waited for that moment to come, down the road. The one where you’re all, ‘I want to be a parent.’”

“I remember that moment. You’ve never felt it?”

“No. So many of our friends did, and we’d hold the babies and just feel… nothing.” Jennifer recalled when Sam and Patti had brought their infant to one of the Watkins’ brunches. Perhaps no more than three months old at the time, little Dorothy had been all giggles and bubble blowing for about ten minutes, as everybody cooed and goochie gooed over the child. The tiniest pang had come, perhaps, but more an “I wonder” than “I want,” and that pang had vanished almost immediately thereafter when Dorothy tired of the grownups and decided to raise some holy hell. The crying started, which begot sobbing, which begot wailing, which begot screaming, which begot the Mortons making a hasty retreat from the brunch and not returning to an event for nearly a year, when they’d finally realized that babysitters might serve an actual function.

“So I figure leave the babies to the baby… wanting people.” Jennifer grimaced and shook her head. “Not the most eloquent.”

“Perhaps not. Yet a valid sentiment that so few actually seem to subscribe to, and so often ignoring that instinct makes one miserable. Kids are indeed tough, even as they get older, maybe especially as they get older.”

As Jennifer finally allowed her toe to touch Bruce’s leg, he looked down at it for a moment, then put his warm hand on her foot. She thought he was going to push it away, to maintain the bubble of polite social decorum, but he rested his hand there, giving her foot a light squeeze.

“I assume it’s gotten easier to have time for yourself as they’ve aged?” She tried to remember how old but came up with only the vaguest idea of high school. He’d told her, she was sure of that. There’s not going to be a quiz, Jen, just pay attention from now on!

“Oh, of course, they have lives of their own, girlfriends. Now we get to decide if we’re going to be parents that police their sex lives. Limiting alone time. I didn’t have a girlfriend when I was a freshman, certainly. So I’m not sure what they get up to. Kids today are light-years ahead of where we were. Fuck!” Bruce rubbed his hand down his face and shook his head with a chuckle. “I can’t believe I just said ‘kids today.’ I’m that guy.”

“You’re not that guy.” After watching the confidence with which he’d played the evening, Jennifer found the view behind the curtain quite intriguing.

“So yes, their aging helps, but one must be more calculating with the lies.” He smiled.

“The lies?” The idea struck Jennifer as somewhat absurd. As the adult, the person in charge, why would you have to— Wait, had her mother lied to her? When she told her the dangers of— Jennifer’s eyes widened.

“Oh, Jennifer, tell me you’re not still laboring under the delusion that your parents not only knew what they were doing with you, but somehow never had to fib about it either.”

“I guess I didn’t really think about it.”

“The lie planning is of utmost importance. So is being able to roll with a challenge to your story.” He laughed and leaned back on the couch. “Just the other day, in fact, Adam, the older one, told me he knows we’ve been lying to him his entire ‘adult’ life. But now he sees through it, he knows what Paige and I are up to.”

Jennifer leaned in, intrigued. “And what is that?”

He turned to her, as though himself caught in a lie and smiled. She returned it.

A tinkle of glasses, a louder thump. Jennifer looked to the sidebar and saw Paige and Ryan together, looking at the bottles. She jumped, withdrawing her toes to the circle of acceptability and pulled her knees in tight. Ryan had a smile on his face as he looked at her. Genuine, warm. Nothing weird. No question of what she was doing with this guy. Just a smile of love.

Look at this girl, thought Ryan. Sometimes it was hard to imagine there could be conflict between them. Sometimes he could forget the therapy and the need for mantras and just look at her the way he’d looked at her that first week, month, when things were new and different, when he couldn’t even believe he got to kiss this girl goodnight. The whiff of jealousy came, that she seemed so comfortable there on the couch with Bruce, that handsome, charismatic, real and true man. He’d probably never have issues getting it up, he’d probably never turn down sex in favor of finishing level 8-3, ‘cuz it’s so damned hard to get there, and this time I made it with a fire flower for chrissakes!

But a whiff was all it was, and it dissipated into the ether again, and he saw his beautiful wife and this man that he himself would like to get to know, because Bruce had… a quality. He didn’t know what that quality actually was, and if said quality could be taught, but the man had something undefinable there. Ryan pursed his lips into a kiss for Jennifer. Her face turned from what might have been minor concern to blowing a kiss back, followed by a smile.

“What do you think of this?” asked Paige, holding up a Hogue Late Harvest Riesling. “It’s about that time of the evening, isn’t it?”

He looked at the bottle, then back at her. He was clearly expected to say something in confirmation or refutation, but he only knew that whatever was in that bottle, if she’d chosen it, would probably be better than the wines he simply knew as “red” or “white” back home. Oh, and “pink.” Sometimes pink. “Yeah, looks perfect,” he offered.

Bottle in hand, Paige lifted two empty glasses from the sidebar and walked to the couch. “Can I offer you two some Riesling?”

“About that time, I think,” said Bruce. In a fluid motion he knocked back the last of his Barbaresco, deposited the empty glass on the side table, and took hold of the glass from his wife as it was filled. Paige tilted the tall brown bottle to Jennifer.

Jennifer looked from the bottle in Paige’s hand, to her half full glass of Barbaresco, and back to the bottle. She blinked a few times and shook her head.

“She can have a taste of mine,” Bruce told Paige.

She leaned down and kissed her husband. “I’ve saved Ryan from juvenile boy talk in the basement so he can have an adult conversation.”

“Enjoy, Ryan,” Bruce told him. “My wife is quite the cunning linguist.”

Ryan wondered how drunk Jennifer was. He made eye contact with her as best as he could hold her attention. Still lucid. His eyes asked everything okay?

She nodded back, then smiled wider.

Paige returned to Ryan’s side and tilted her head toward the hall, her curls bounced with the gesture.

When she left the room, he followed.

8

Ryan had never been down this hallway at the Watkins’ house. He glanced back over his shoulder, wondering if perhaps he’d simply had too much to drink. Jennifer had had… well, was too much the right phrase? That implied poor decision making, and she never indulged herself more than she could handle. So not too much, but more than he’d seen in a while. She’d looked happy, though. It had also been a while since she’d seemed so content, happy… comfortable. Another turn down the hall, a low rumble approaching.

“Where are we going?” he asked. Paige just offered him a smile in return.

Today was the day they started their lives, right? New friends weren’t a bad way to do that. Ryan couldn’t remember his last new friend. Lots of acquaintances here or there, but new? Friend? Perhaps not.

Paige opened the door in front of her, far simpler than doors they’d passed in the hall before this turn, absent the trim and corners and panels of doors elsewhere in the house. The rumble, a cycling sound, louder. She pushed him in and flipped on the light.

Ryan stood in a laundry room as large as his office at home. Gleaming front-load washer and dryer stood beside each other on the opposite wall, the rest was all with white cabinetry topped with equally white counter top. In the center, a laundry basket sat atop an island, also white.

“An odd time for Barbara to be doing laundry,” Ryan observed.

“John French upended a chafing dish in the kitchen about an hour ago; Barb is on her party game to have the tablecloth in the wash already!” Paige stepped past a couple folding chairs tucked between a break in the cabinets and flung herself up onto the washer.

“Really?” asked Ryan.

“A quiet place to talk.” She patted the top of the dryer next to her.

“Quiet-ish.”

Paige put on a thoughtful expression. “I think it’ll do, unless you’re itching to rejoin the boys downstairs, that is.”

“Hell, no,” he said through a grin, and hopped onto the dryer next to her, slightly shaky. She grabbed his arm and made a showy save of his balance. He smiled widely at her as he righted himself.

“What’re you grinning about?”

“Sorry.”

“That’s not an answer.”

Ryan stared at the door, realizing Paige had closed it behind them. He looked from her to the door. “Should we be in here? Alone, I mean. Someone could—” He stopped, uncertain. Something felt off about it, surely, but he wasn’t sure he could put it into words.

“Someone could what?” Paige let her dangling feet swing. She tilted her left foot down and her shoe dropped off the heel, holding to the toe. After a moment she twisted her toes and the shoe popped back up. “Come in? See us? Are we forbidden to be in here together unsupervised? Do you plan to ravish me against the hamper? The basin?” She pointed at each and then stared at him, expressionless.

Ryan felt the crawling embarrassment, she was making fun of him, surely, this was a game, surely. Something these two did at parties, divide and conquer, some sick trick to make fun of—

“Ryan?” Paige touched his chin lightly, lifting it up so he could look into her eyes. “I think we’ll be okay.”

The internal conflict vanished in an instant, a puff of smoke. He smiled back.

“So, tell me about you and Jennifer.” She folded her hands in her lap and waited.

Ryan found the gesture adorable. Then he wondered if a mature woman like Paige would want to be called adorable, if it’d be somehow degrading. Jennifer still liked being called that, said it made her feel like they were teenagers. What age does one get to before they don’t want to feel that way anymore? “We’ve, uh, been together seven years.”

“Would you like me to scratch it?” she smirked.

“What?”

Paige nudged him with her shoulder. “The itch. Seven.” She shook her head. “I mean, that pause…”

The door snapped open. Barbara jumped when she saw them. “Paige.”

“Hello, Barb.” Paige crossed and uncrossed her ankles. “Need to check the tablecloth?” She tapped her heel against the circular glass door, where suds still splashed.

“And Ryan,” Barbara looked between them.

“Yes,” said Ryan. “I’m here too.”

Barbara locked eyes with Paige, and her face hardened for a moment. Ryan looked at Paige, who smiled and winked. “I’ll let you know when it’s done,” Paige offered, but Barbara didn’t stay to hear it.

“Well, she certainly thinks dirty things are going on.” Paige put her hand on his arm and looked at him.

Ryan looked at her hand.

“You’re turning red.”

“No,” he said.

Paige laughed, genuine. Had he heard it earlier, when he was momentarily certain that the Shepards had concocted a plot to embarrass him, that laugh would have filled Ryan with dread.

“I’m messing with you.” She held her forefingers over her cascading hair like devil horns, then scrunched her nose. “It’s fun!” Her grin softened when he stared at her. He opened his mouth a couple times.

Something here made him feel comfortable. Something so different from trying to talk to Noah, who always made things about himself, or Sam whose woes approached operatic levels. He almost asked her to tell him that she didn’t always want sex, that it wasn’t the mark of a good relationship, that it didn’t mean things were bad or wrong, that, well, that everything was going to be okay.

Because in the end, wasn’t that what he wanted? Just acknowledgment. Maybe even the acknowledgment that this was in fact a rough patch and the way out didn’t need to be a stampede. Just gradual work. A slope upward.

“You okay?”

He realized he’d been staring at his hands. “So,” he began, entirely unsure of how he would finish the question. “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

He didn’t raise his eyes. “It’s sorta personal.”

“Okay.”

“Have you ever—” When he did raise his eyes and look into hers, he stopped short. The concern on her face was real. She was listening in a way he hadn’t seen in he couldn’t remember how long. Certainly Dr. Petrillo, all pursed lips and paging through almost nonexistent notes, didn’t listen this way. Emboldened, he pushed forward. “Have you ever, um, had a dry spell?”

Paige thought for a moment.

Fearing an uncomfortable silence, Ryan threw some extra words out. “You know. Sex.”

Paige narrowed her eyes, nodding conspiratorially. “Ah. Yes. Sex.” Then she put her hands on the washer behind her and leaned back a bit. She looked at the ceiling, then back at him. “Sure. Everybody does. You in one?”

He nodded. “What do you do?”

“I dunno.” She shrugged. “I guess you just sorta have to work around it.”

He parsed her words, but couldn’t follow them through to meaning. “How do you work around it?”

She tilted her head and looked away. Opened her mouth, then closed it again. Began and then stopped. After a moment or two of this, she put her hand on his knee comfortingly. “You know, I think you and Jennifer have a lot going on up here,” she tapped her finger on his temple, “and you’re not paying nearly enough attention to what’s going on in here,” she pressed her finger against his chest.

Ryan wondered if she could feel his heartbeat quicken.

“And most importantly, down here.” She pointed a finger directly down, into his lap and the growing bulge Ryan hoped she wouldn’t notice.

“But such is life.” She patted his knee.

9

She’d turned her back toward Bruce what seemed like ages ago, resting against his shoulder, listening to him talk. Jennifer had seen him consume nearly two full bottles of wine now, if her count was remotely accurate, and he was showing no sign of intoxication. The storyteller in him seemed to expand to fill the room.

She let go of a bit more of her cautiousness when he offered to rub her shoulders. A long day spent filing had really put a kink in her left. At first she thought she’d only let him rub the one shoulder, and only until the kink was relieved, but Bruce’s large hands knew how to detect and work problem areas. Soon her worries and cares were forgotten thanks to his aptly named “magic hands.”

She drifted in and out as he spoke, sometimes apologizing for missing something. “That means I’m doing a good job,” he assured her.

“We used to come to parties worried about how long we’d have to stay, who we’d interact with, how we’d put on the show,” he told her, thumb sliding deep along her shoulder blade.

“The show?” Jennifer wondered if she’d told him then that, before they’d met the Shepards, she weren’t likely to stay past nine o’clock.

“The married show. The aren’t we happy and in love and everything’s good and wonderful and so on and so forth.”

She started. “But aren’t you? Isn’t it?”

“Didn’t say we aren’t, just that it was something we used to worry about.” He slid his index and middle finger along her spine, searching for more trouble spots to work.

“But you don’t anymore?”

Bruce shook his head. “Doesn’t really come up anymore.”

“I need one of those tonight, too, I’ve got a thing!” Paige flopped onto the couch, close enough for Jennifer’s feet to brush her thighs. She reached back and rubbed her own shoulder to demonstrate her thing.

“Anytime, angel.” Bruce transitioned from deep rubbing to a gentle back and forth on both of Jennifer’s shoulders, then a tap that seemed to indicate that he was done.

“Hope he hasn’t been boring you,” Paige said to her. “The massages are his cunning way to get people to listen to him.”

“Not at all,” Jennifer said. “He’s been wonderful.”

Paige leaned over and put her hands on Jennifer’s feet, a move she found surprising. For a moment, Jennifer considered pulling them back, but found that her impulse seemed driven by what she was expected to do, not what she wanted to do.

“That is delightful to hear,” said Paige. “I’ve had a great conversation with your lovely man as well.”

Jennifer felt a pang of relief that there wouldn’t be one of those rides home where they picked at each other because one had enjoyed themselves and the other had not. It was a recurring theme, and a prime reason they didn’t often go to parties. “Aw, good.”

Paige let her eyes drift from Jennifer up to Bruce, giving him a little head tilt.

“Well, Jennifer, my dear,” he said, “Paige has to be up early.”

“Sorry.” Paige scrunched her face and squeezed Jennifer’s toes lightly.

“Okay, well, we’ll have to get together sometime, maybe, just the four of us,” suggested Jennifer.

A lingering look passed between Bruce and Paige. They both smiled at her. “Just say the word,” said Paige.

Bruce stood and helped both of the ladies off the couch. He and Paige both hugged Jennifer, saying how glad they were to have met. “And to think,” said Bruce, “we almost didn’t come!”

If you only knew, thought Jennifer. “That would’ve been tragic. Or something sad that doesn’t trivialize tragedy.” She laughed at her own joke. They smiled politely, something that might have seemed incredibly patronizing, coming from anyone else at that party, but somehow the Shepards pulled it off.

She found Ryan in the kitchen. He stood in front of the massive stainless steel fridge, vainly pressing buttons on the panel in front, holding an empty glass at its spout. Jennifer watched from the doorway.

Beep! Nothing. Beep! Nothing. Beep! Nothing.

She felt a wistful sadness when he stopped pressing the button and set the glass down next to the fridge. I love you very much, she thought, willing the words in his direction. How do we stop feeling lost all the time? How do we stop feeling so ill equipped for life itself?

He looked up at her. “Hey, there you are.”

“Were you looking for me?”

“I assumed you were in good hands.” He lifted his empty glass. “Do you know how to get ice out of here?”

“No,” she said, “But there’s ice in the drawer in the bottom.”

Ryan slid the large bottom freezer drawer out. “So there is.”

“It’s late.”

“It is.”

“Are you good to drive?”

Ryan downed a glass of water, finally feeling equilibrium returning. It had taken its damn sweet time. “Yeah, I’m good.” He smiled at Jennifer, she smiled back, eyes drifting shut momentarily. “You look blissed out.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry about. It’s awesome.” He gave her a quick kiss. “I’ll get the coats and meet you in front.”

In the hall, Ryan noticed very few coats left on the rack. A quick count showed that perhaps only ten people were still at the party. He checked his watch, just after ten. Early night. He grabbed Jennifer’s red wool overcoat and his nondescript black wool coat.

“Leaving.” It was more of a statement than a question coming from Noah behind him, who now held a small steaming cup of coffee. Even from across the room, Ryan could smell that it was Irish.

“Yeah, though I’m surprised everyone took off so early.” He threw the coats over his arm and offered a hand to Noah to shake.

“The hell are you talking about? You’re here later than you’ve ever been.”

Ryan stared at him, then glanced at his watch again. Shit! It’s ten ’til two! “Whoa. That’s… surprising.”

“I guess when you have the right company, time flies.” Noah’s words came out flat.

Ryan frowned. “Is there a—”

“There’s something I think I ought to tell you.”

Ryan waited, and when it was apparent that Noah wasn’t going to continue, he elongated the word “Okay…”

“You’re going to want to brace yourself.”

Ryan waited.

10

Jennifer rested her head against the passenger side window, watching the dancing colored lights as they zipped by between lengthening blinks. She wondered if they’d actually get any snow this year. Third week in December already, still not a flake. She also wondered what it might be like to get closer to Bruce.

The thought wasn’t fully formed, which could be attributed to the general haze and warmth of the wine from the evening, but also to a general resistance to allowing it to coalesce. Jennifer rarely fantasized about people, except that actor who’d played Benedick in last year’s Chicago Shakespeare Theater run of Much Ado About Nothing, but she felt he was acceptable. He’d come up a few times in her head, always with the best lines. I don’t know him, I’ll never meet him, it’s just fantasy. There was also the question of whether those fantasies were that actor or actually Benedick, leaping from page and stage to court her.

Once, in an attempt to have some spicy talk, to see if that would jump-start their libidos for the evening, she and Ryan had discussed which of their friends they’d be interested in fucking. Fucking had been the operative word there. It conjured slapdash, unplanned, heat of the moment, raw energy passion. “Making love” would’ve been an absurd concept to attach, and even “having sex” felt too intimate for the game. So it’d very much been fucking. To both of the Lamberts’ dismay, neither had been able to conjure a friend they’d like to fuck.

“I suppose, Patti?” Ryan offered hesitantly after a long while, shaking his head to himself as he said it.

“I think,” Jennifer said, ducking the question, “We may need to, even beyond the realm of this game, expand our social circle.”

Ryan agreed. “I don’t really want to fuck Patti,” he told her, to put a coda on things. Their little fantasy game, a failed attempt to turn on the sexual lights, had instead left them pondering a need to be friends with more than two couples. Perhaps even some people who weren’t coupled. Perish the thought!

But after tonight, thought Jennifer, I might have a different answer for the fantasy game.

She smiled at the twinkle lights zipping by and sighed a contented sigh, all the while trying to stuff that “getting closer to Bruce” thought down the memory hole, way deep down. The game had ended so, well, not badly, more depressingly, last time that it was unlikely they’d play it again.

She tilted her head so she could see Ryan’s face as he drove, while still leaning against the window for support. This was important, of course, because every time Jennifer sat up, her head would loll and begin to put together ingredients for an epic headache. Ryan was driving focused, purposeful. Perhaps he’d had more than she thought and was trying to focus through the creeping drunk until they got home. It wouldn’t be long, just had to successfully navigate out of the ritzy section of town, back down to where the regular folk lived.

He caught her looking and smiled, but the smile was holding back, missing something. He returned his focus to the road so quickly afterward, too. Something was off. Before she could ask what it was, he asked her “Did you have fun?” his voice flat.

She blinked a few times. Perhaps she shouldn’t be analyzing moods this late and this drunk. She smiled. “Yes. Fun. Everybody was so nice.”

“Yeah. Nice.” Flat, again.

“It was so nice to talk to people,” Jennifer said, drifting back to the conversation in her head, the feel of Bruce’s hands on her shoulders. “And have real conversations.”

“Yeah. Conversations.”

She smiled to herself. If Ryan was in a mood, for whatever reason, he could either tell her about it or just grump to himself as usual. Jennifer decided that she wouldn’t let him mess with her good feels. “You know who’s nice?” she said, not really asking. “Bruce Shepard.”

“Yeah. Nice.”

“He’s nice. He gave me a massage.”

Ryan glanced over at her. Jennifer’s head lay against the window. A little puff of condensation appeared and disappeared as she breathed. There were little rumblings of jealousy in his stomach and chest; he should be upset that she got a massage, right? Wasn’t that how it went, when another man touched your wife? He looked back to the road. That felt so… owner-y. But the feeling was valid, especially given the information Noah had shared with him.

“They’re swingers,” Ryan said. He supposed it made sense. Normal people don’t touch others that much, the leaning in, the now-clear flirting, the hugs. That’s not really what you do with people you’ve just met.

The revelation had altered his whole perception of the evening, like one of those twist endings in a film, where they go back and show what really happened, and all the dialog seems different now, even though it’s actually the same.

“Swingers,” he’d repeated to Noah in the hall, eyebrow cocked, all skeptical.

“Yep.” Noah nodded.

“Like from the 1970s? Or are they holding onto that late nineties dance craze? Old Navy fans?”

Noah frowned at him. “You know what I mean, Ryan.”

“I really—”

“Paige dragged you off somewhere. You know what I mean.”

Ryan looked at his shoes. He heard accusation in Noah’s statement. He found it hard to process both things at once. That this really wonderful couple they’d met were somehow… into this thing, this weird thing, this, he supposed, deviant thing, and now Noah seemed to be lumping him in with them.

“I didn’t do anything.”

“Well, you looked awfully cozy. So, I thought you should know.”

“Do you not like them?” Ryan asked, puzzled why Bruce and Paige would’ve been invited to the Christmas party if Noah wasn’t on Team Shepard.

“No, they’re fine,” Noah reflected and lightened his tone a bit. “I just didn’t want you to get too far down the line into something and realize later.”

Ryan pondered Noah’s reasoning, as he waited for Jennifer’s response. Maybe she hadn’t heard him. “Jen?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you hear me?”

“Bruce really got that kink in my neck worked out.”

Ryan frowned. “I need you to focus for a moment.”

She lifted her head off the glass and turned fully toward him. She held still for a moment, then nodded, blinking slowly. “Focused.”

“Bruce and Paige are swingers. Noah told me. They have sex with other couples. Together.” He thought about it. “Maybe separately, too, I don’t know.”

As Ryan spoke the words, flashes of realization cycled through Jennifer’s mind. Bits of the conversation replayed themselves as though watching a play. Context changing. “Just the other day, in fact, Adam, the older one, told me he knows we’ve been lying to him his entire ‘adult’ life. But now he sees through it, he knows what Paige and I are up to.” They’d been interrupted before he’d replied to her follow-up asking what, in fact, they were being accused of lying to their son about.

“Really?” was all she could offer to Ryan. Her brain, so recently on the verge of sleep, began cycling back up, sliding around data, looking for more clues that she should’ve picked up on. Well, of course that’s why they were so free with the touching. Normal people don’t touch like that.

As Jennifer climbed under the covers at home, a general sense of unease stuck with her. Her lips pursed as she thought it through. It seemed so unfair. Like a violation of the social contract. Here she and Ryan followed the rules, while people like Bruce and Paige got to go off gallivanting around doing God knows what with God knows who. It wasn’t… Well, she really didn’t have a problem with it from an ethical point of view. What other people got up to in their bedrooms had always been a curiosity to her, sure, but never had there been any clucking tongues or tsking. Not from her.

She shook her head. She was very tolerant. But this. These two. The Shepards. They were acting as though the rules didn’t apply to them. “People shouldn’t do that,” said Jennifer.

Ryan paused a moment, t-shirt pulled over his head, and looked at her. “Shouldn’t do what?”

“Be with other people.” She didn’t look up from her hands, folded on top of the duvet, white in places from clenching. She loosened them.

“Oh. Bruce and Paige.”

“Yeah.”

Ryan tied his pajama pants’ drawstring. “I think, when you get married, that’s it. You’ve made your choice.”

Now she did look at him, her pursed lips transitioning to a frown. “You say choice like it’s a—”

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

She waited.

He climbed into bed. “I just meant…”

She looked back at her hands. “It’s not fair.”

Ryan looked at his wife, wearing an old Ghostbusters shirt of his that was long enough to be her pajamas. She looked sad and frustrated. He tilted his head at her. “Tell me more about that,” he said, then immediately regretted the phrase, cribbed from their sessions with Dr. Petrillo.

Jennifer took a rather dramatic deep breath and turned to him, not just her head, but her body, too. Deep under the multiple layers of blankets, her toes touched his flannel-clad legs. “Well, I mean, why should they be allowed to sleep with whoever they want?”

“Allowed?” he asked.

“Like, we can’t just drop our lives and our commitments and go—”

“Wait,” Ryan held up his hand. Jennifer dropped hers back to the covers. “We? Us?”

She rolled her eyes. “Yes, we, us, who did you think?”

“Didn’t know if we were speaking hypothetically, here.”

“No, the literal we, Ryan.”

He took a breath, spoke in his most calming tone. “Okay.”

Her lips were pursed again, tight enough that he could see them turning white. “Should we have sex? I’m… probably still drunk.”

“Well, do you want to?” Ryan thought about it. Did he want to? It’d be fine. He’d have to get the condoms out of the dresser, of course. One of these days he ought to actually follow through on the vasectomy, shouldn’t he? His mother would be grumpy with that decision, but she didn’t need to know. Though, if she didn’t know, he’d keep getting “When am I getting a grandchild?” for the rest of his life.

“Maybe tomorrow,” Jennifer said.

“Okay.”

Problem solved. He reached over and snapped off the lamp on his bedside table. Lines of pale blue light, the moon peering through the vertical blinds, penetrated the darkness. He rolled onto his side, wincing when he saw his clock. 3:08. Shit.

“And Paige was all over you when you came through the room. She must be into you,” came out of the darkness.

Ryan contemplated that. In retrospect, yes, it seemed that might be true, that Paige was coming onto him all night, but in a gentle, relaxed fashion. Hearing Jennifer reiterate it, though, made him less self-conscious about the thought.

“On second thought,” she said from the dark, “I do want sex.”

He heard her pull her shirt over her head, and saw it cross through the shafts of light. She flung the covers back and staggered a bit as she made her way to the dresser. Flashes in the moonlight, her ass, a nipple, then she was back, tugging at his drawstring.

He reached down to help, but she’d yanked the pajama pants down. The erection, brought on by the Paige reminiscence and the flash of desire from his wife, was swiftly clad in latex, and he pushed into her before he knew it.

As she rode, he could see she’d closed her eyes.

11

Ryan yawned and stared into the pancake slowly bubbling on the griddle in front of him. Far too early to be up after far too late a night. The pounding in his head kept a steady rhythm, and the sizzle of the pancake cooking sounded like a foghorn. He closed his eyes, slid his spatula under the cake and flipped it. Bummer, dark brown. Overdone.

Jennifer, at the table behind him, hummed tunelessly, her hum occasionally drifting into a distinct bowm-chica-bow-wow tune here and there.

“Bruce is pretty attractive, don’t you think?” asked Jennifer.

Ryan looked over his shoulder at her. She sat at the kitchen table behind him, facing away, her iPad next to her plate, tapping on a time-killer game Ryan didn’t recognize. The question hadn’t sounded rhetorical. His first instinct was to say, “I guess,” then add something like, “if you’re into guys.” But that sounded very bro-y to him. Especially if he replaced “guys” with “dudes.” Then he had an urge to say it just because it’d be so out of character.

But it didn’t answer the question, not really. Bruce’s actual attractiveness couldn’t be denied. Not that he needed to deny it, either. Ryan wondered why his first instinct was to distance himself from the question. “Sure,” he said. “Yeah.”

“Rugged.” She still didn’t look back at him. “Like Tom Selleck.”

A new moment of clarity hit Ryan as he realized that was who he’d been trying to remember all night, thinking that Bruce reminded him of someone, some celebrity. Tom Selleck! Ryan chuckled. “Selleckian quality there, definitely.”

“So is Paige.” The way she still didn’t turn toward him was beginning to seem rather conspicuous.

He flipped the pancake onto the stack and walked breakfast to the table, setting it in front of his wife. She tapped to pause the game. “Except for the mustache,” he offered.

“She’s not Selleckian, you doof!” Jennifer grinned at him. “She’s attractive.”

Again the instinct, the overwhelming feeling that somewhere a sign was flashing “Turn Back Now!” and ahead was Dead Man’s Curve. Ryan! Lookoutlookoutlookoutlookout! “Yeah.” He kept his tone noncommittal, playing it safe, but unwilling to even attempt the standard bullshit of “I didn’t notice.”

“She’s cute,” he added.

“Cute?” Jennifer finally looked at him, smile curved up on one side, eyes calling him an idiot. It was the way she’d looked when he hadn’t realized that Bruce Willis had been dead the whole time, or that Tyler Durden didn’t exist. “Why don’t you say what she really is? Hot!”

“Yeah, okay.” He returned to the stove.

“Alright then.”

As he poured another pancake onto the griddle, he heard her eating, fingers tapping lightly on her tablet. Then silence.

“I just don’t get how two people like that can… do that!”

“Like what?” Ryan didn’t turn around.

“You know. Like, family people. Grownups!”

Now he did turn toward her. Her arm was on the back of her chair and she was looking at him. “Grownups?” he repeated.

“You know what I mean. They have kids and everything.”

“Oh, I didn’t know that.” Ryan flipped the pancake just in time. Tan, not brown yet.

“Two boys, high school.”

He contemplated, remembering how suspicious he’d been of everything in high school. Always looking for his parents to slip up, so he could point out their mistakes and somehow offset his own juvenile foolishness. “Do they know?”

“Bruce said one has suspicions.”

“I’ll bet.”

They sat across from each other and ate in silence, introspection on both sides. “Do you ever wish we’d had kids?” he asked, suddenly enough that he surprised himself with the question. It hadn’t even been a fully formed thought in his head before it was on the table.

Jennifer raised her head. If the question surprised her, she didn’t show it. Her eyes searched his face, then the netherspace between them. She took a deep breath. “Sometimes. I guess. Do you?”

“Only when I think about being old. I wonder who’s going to take care of us in our old age.”

“Not the best reason to have a kid, certainly.”

“No,” Ryan agreed. “Rather selfish, in fact.” He recognized the reason he’d asked the question and pivoted. “Is it a regret, ever?”

“Once or twice,” she said, her voice lilting up at the end as though it was almost a question.

“Once or twice,” Ryan repeated, flat.

“No, honey, I mean,” she paused, “we’ve been together almost 10 years! Of course I’ve thought about it once or twice. That’s a lot of time being very happy we don’t have children, if you think about it.”

“True.”

Jennifer reached out and put her hand on his across the table. “Hon?”

He met her eye.

“You thinking of something else? Or do you regret not having a family?”

She watched him contemplate.

“No. Not regret. And I have a family.” His smile looked weak, distracted. He shook his head, and his face lightened. “It’s okay. I’m okay.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.” He glanced at the clock on the stove behind her. “Shit, need to get downtown.”

Ryan stuffed the last few bites of his pancake down and dumped his plate in the sink. As he walked by he placed a light kiss on the top of her head.

She caught his hand. “Wait.”

He turned back.

“Really kiss me.”

With a smile he returned, and really kissed her.

12

Midmorning traffic bloomed into early afternoon traffic on the Kennedy Expressway into Chicago. Ryan stared at the left blinker of the car in front of him, already all the way in the leftmost lane. He leaned his head toward to the side and saw an unbroken line of tail lights. A plane passed overhead, low enough to identify the airline as United, descending toward O’Hare Airport.

His hands-free speaker blared a ring, then another, then another. C’mon, Noah, pickup! What could he possibly have going on?

“Hello,” said Noah.

“It’s Ryan.”

“How’s that hangover?”

“Not bad, actually,” said Ryan with a laugh. “Yours?”

“Pssht! I don’t get hangovers.”

Ryan nodded, waiting. Waiting for what? A moment? An invitation to ask? The offering up of unasked information?

“Did I lose you, Ryan?”

“No, I, uh, I just wanted to ask.” Well fucking ask already! “So, you know this, for a fact?”

Noah made a sound that approximated “heh” and then held the silence a while longer. “Should I just go ahead and assume we’re talking about Bruce and Paige?”

He knew I’d call, thought Ryan. “Yes.”

“Yes, Ryan. They’re swingers. They swing.”

“They swing.” Ryan couldn’t parse exact meaning even as he repeated it. More information was definitely necessary. “What does that even mean, these days?”

“These days?”

“Well,” Ryan found himself at a loss, “I mean, I thought swinging was just something people did in the seventies. Like Quaaludes.”

“You know, next time you make fun of me for sounding like a ‘get off my lawn’ old man, I’m going to take you back to this moment and paint you this specific picture.”

“Fair enough.”

“It means they have sex with other people.”

“They have affairs.”

Noah’s sigh came through loud and clear. “As far as I know, Ryan, they go on dates with other couples and have sex with them.”

Ryan sat, silent. The blinker and brake lights ahead of him both snapped off. For the first time since the conversation had begun, Ryan inched his car forward.

“Gone again?”

“You and Barbara aren’t—”

“No.”

“Have you ever—”

“It’s not our thing.”

He nodded, watching a Virgin Air plane slide impossibly low over his car, coming in for a landing. “Gotcha.”

“I don’t have any other information for you, though,” said Noah. “Beyond our first conversation about it, shortly after I met Bruce, I have not spoken to him about their shenanigans.”

“Shenanigans,” whispered Ryan.

“I don’t ask because I don’t need to know. Some things are and should be private. You good?”

“Hmm?”

“Did you need anything else, Ryan?”

“Oh,” Ryan replied, seeing the brake lights coming on again ahead of him. “Yeah. Thanks.”

“Yeah. Don’t forget poker on the fourth.”

“I’ll be there.”

As traffic stopped again, Ryan rested his right hand on his thigh, just above the knee. He felt where she’d touched him. The smile, the warmth. “You’re not paying nearly enough attention to what’s going on in here. And most importantly, down here.” The bulge grew again. Ryan grabbed at his pants to adjust.

She’d seen last night, surely. She knew.

How could she not know? She was attractive, and surely she knew the effect her attractiveness had on other people. Especially if she was a— If she did that. S-words for five hundred dollars, Alex?

Certainly it was possible that Bruce and Paige just preferred to mingle separately and had taken a genuine friendly shine to he and Jennifer. We are nice people, he thought. And somewhat attractive, right? There it was again, though. If it had to do with their attractiveness, then the Shepards were trying… something.

“Were you trying to recruit us?” Ryan asked the car in front of him.

That makes it sound so… sinister, said the voice from last night, a nebulous and hazy version of Paige. His imagination supplied a far clearer image than he’d have expected, having only just met her. Her hair cascading, her cheeks dusted with freckles, eyes the impossible color of arctic water.

A honk brought him out of it. He saw he’d fallen nearly an entire car length behind the next car. Ryan shook his head, threw his hand up, as if to say, “My bad.” What he actually said, through the smile that might have been visible in his rear view mirror, was, “Kiss my ass.”

His miniscule journey completed, Ryan sighed. The specter of Paige had vanished from his mind, and his conjuring attempts now left him with only vague outlines. Recruiting does sound sinister, he admitted to himself, but that is only if it’s to do something you don’t want to do.

Now, that’s interesting.

Another plane passed overhead, its logo ambiguous. “Don’t you find that interesting?” he asked it. “Because it’s not sinister if they correctly identified people who might be interested in doing the same thing! It’s just an, I’m sure, very small subsection of the population doing what it needs to do to make a connection.”

To make a connection.

To break through.

Fuck.

Wasn’t that what they’ve been trying to do? If you stripped away all the theater from their sessions with Dr. Petrillo, it was about the sex, but not just about liking it, it was about enjoying living, not just doing it. All the times he and Jennifer had stayed home instead of going to parties, keeping their friend group to a whopping two other couples. Wasn’t that limiting? Wasn’t that—

Ryan hit the brakes just in time to stop less than an inch from the car in front of him. He saw the driver do a very similar gesture to his “my bad” but had the distinct impression from the stabbing hand motion that this bad was his. He took a deep breath through his nose and let it out, slow, steady. He looked at the empty cup, formerly containing overpriced coffee, in his cup-holder, wondering if maybe he could suck a touch more from it. Historical data from the past two times he’d tried suggested he ought to just leave it for dead.

“What if we’re happy?” he’d asked Dr. Petrillo in the solo portion of their first couple’s session.

“What if you’re happy?” Petrillo asked back, noting, Ryan assumed, his defensive tone on his notepad.

Ryan waited for him to continue, but he didn’t. After an almost interminable silence, Petrillo’s shoulders went up, and he cocked his head a few degrees to the right.

“Well, we wouldn’t need this, right?” Ryan said.

“Do you need this?”

“Not if we’re happy.”

“Are you happy?”

Ryan frowned. “Sometimes,” he told the car through the window, “Sometimes we’re happy.”

But that’s why they’d gone. “I’m tired of just existing,” Jennifer had said. “Aren’t you?”

“I think we do more than just exist.”

“Yeah? What?” she’d said. “No hobbies, no vacations, no sex, what are we even saving for?”

“A house.”

“For what, Ryan?” She’d grabbed his chin and turned it toward her face. “So we can have more room to hide from the world outside and do nothing?”

She apologized in Dr. Petrillo’s office, thanks to a referral from Barbara, who hadn’t answered whether she saw Petrillo solo or with Noah. “But I can’t just exist anymore. I need something in my life. Things! People! Pleasure! You!”

Dr. Petrillo pressed his pen cap into his dark black mustache and remained silent.

Ryan knew, objectively, that the ultimate job of therapists was to bring you to the realizations you need to make. Because forced change so rarely stuck. After another session, Ryan had been ready to cop to Jennifer’s complaint about “just existing.” He wanted it too, after all, he wanted more.

He just had no idea what more looked like.

None at all.

A flicker of hope, as Ryan saw the flashing lights of a squad car over the next hill in the highway. “Almost to the problem,” he exclaimed aloud, then immediately felt self-conscious about his enthusiasm. Could be someone dead up there. Could also just be a stupid driver, of course. Or a cop just fucking with all of them, right?

Whatever Bruce and Paige’s motives might be, they represented one thing that the Lamberts had not experienced in quite a long time: making new friends. Whether it came about as part of a vast conspiracy to induct them into the secret society of swingers, or was, as he and Jennifer had felt, the joy of experiencing a connection with new people, did it really matter?

Ryan decided that it didn’t.

The tension in his back and shoulders that he hadn’t realized was there lessened. Traffic ahead began to clear.

13

Somewhere in this closet. She knew that much.

Jennifer stood, hands on hips, staring into the walk-in closet in their tiny office. Everything they hadn’t unpacked in the six years since their last move had wound up in here, a mishmash of miscellaneous sized boxes, unlabeled, of course.

This search was inspired by a feeling from the depths inside her. She’d felt the same way for so long she’d accepted that it was just the way life felt. But now, this new yearning felt visceral, physical. The intensity of the new emotion had caught her off guard, the intensity of something different.

Since she’d begun noticing the stasis they’d fallen into, she’d been reflecting on the difference between her own marriage and those in her extended friend circles. When Marianne her coworker’s marriage had fallen apart, it had been one of those drag-out, throw-down nightmares that they make movies about. Beginning with screaming fits, transitioning to a legal arms race, and morphing a final time into desperately trying to get everything, just so the other would have nothing.

In fact, every bad marriage, even every mediocre marriage, that she knew of was worse than theirs, without question. She and Ryan loved each other. That was the cornerstone, the key. “You’re friends,” Barbara sometimes reminded her, “So many couples can’t even say that.”

“’Friends’ may be the whole problem, eh, roomie?” Jennifer asked the empty room.

Perhaps their relationship just fell left of center. Like the aim, or the calibration was off. That’s why Dr. Petrillo. Though he hadn’t quite earned his exorbitant hourly fee yet. The mantras were a good idea, sure, but who really changed themselves or their lives like that?

She flicked open the box cutter and made swift work of the tape sealing the box in front of her. Kitchen, damn. “Wow, I thought we had all the kitchen stuff unpacked.” Party supplies, a plastic mixed drink pitcher, a couple candles (because those had made it into every box they’d packed, it seemed), and at the bottom, still wrapped in newspaper, a faux crystal punch bowl.

She sighed, and from her sitting position in front of the closet, pushed the box with her sock-clad toes as close to the door of the office as she could. That’d have to go downstairs. She hadn’t been looking for those things, but they should be where she might look, when she did want them. Should they ever actually throw a party again.

The stack of boxes immediately at the front was down to two. She slid the next one off the pile and set it between her legs.

Jennifer had initially mistaken the yearning as hunger, and she’d followed up their meager pancake breakfast with a quick jaunt through the drive-through, but even a large fries couldn’t sate her. She picked at the fries. As the feeling in her chest, and stomach, and, if she was being honest with herself, her clit, continued, it became harder and harder to dismiss it as simple hunger.

The feelings were of sexual longing, they weren’t just the funereal mourning of the bed death of a relationship, but something more substantial. This was active and present sexual interest. Directed toward a person in her life, not an absent celebrity or a character in a novel, but someone she knew. Someone she could still smell. And… Well, there was the… other thing, too.

She nodded. She was going to have to face up to the other thing, too, at some point.

The next box had, of course, more candles in jars; she set aside one that smelled like gingerbread. Beneath the candles, bedroom miscellany. The kind of things you dump in a box from the bottom drawer of a night stand, once you’ve given up on organizing at the end of a move. Promising.

Jennifer wasn’t hiding from the yearning, just trying to focus around it, because she didn’t know what to make of the other part yet. Bruce Shepard, the main part, the central thrust, as it were, she knew what to make of that. She didn’t even like mustaches and she knew what that was about.

It was about a man in almost complete control of his game. Comfortable and confident. The kind of man who only seems to look better with age. Like Clooney, or Cary Grant. The gray that appeared in his head of rich, deep brown hair conjured words like distinguished. Old didn’t enter into it, though she knew he was at least a decade, likely fifteen years older than she. No, experience, that was it.

She could be honest: at the age of thirty-one, having only experienced two penises in person, one in the dark, with a partner who didn’t want her to touch it, or taste it, for that matter, she had reason to wonder what else might be out there.

A twinge beneath her yoga pants pushed her to resume the search in earnest.

That boy, that poor religious boy. Of course, he was a man grown now, but Steve Hurley had been so conflicted when they’d turned off the bedroom lights and fumbled at each other’s clothes. The seventeen-year-old had actually stepped back, after his shirt was off, so he could remove his pants himself. She’d known because she’d heard his belt hit the floor beside them. Unsure what he wanted exactly, because they certainly hadn’t talked about it, she’d dropped the rest of her own clothes and reached forward to grab his hand.

She’d put it between her legs, his fingers cold against the growing warmth. He’d pulled away.

“Let’s do it,” he’d said, the darkness all but completely obscuring him. A shaft of light from outside played across the top of his mussed up hair. Mussed by her, of course, mussed by their make-out session, the longest one since they’d started doing that. From make-out to heavy petting to, “You should go home,” so often before.

“I want to,” she’d confirmed, “Go slow.”

He didn’t, but it didn’t much matter. Jennifer’s body was ready. After a year of build-up, finally, fucking finally. His thumb pushed inside her. Good, she thought, he’s not freaked I put his hand there. The thumb moved in and out, his body closer to her now, his breath on her neck, and then, suddenly, he pulled out, and she felt a cascade of warm liquid on her belly, sliding down into her pubic hair.

She reached out, wanting to comfort, wanting to console him for the premature finish, and was surprised to find both of his hands on the bed on either side of her. She reached to the middle as Steve tried desperately to catch his breath. She found a vast patch of hair, felt his testicles, tight against his body, and above, hanging, wet, she’d understood: He hadn’t used his thumb, and Jennifer Straub was no longer a virgin.

Jennifer stared into the overstuffed closet and frowned. Sex had been dramatically better since then, of course, but she realized that her barometer may never have been calibrated properly. She hadn’t seen Steve much after being he told her she should probably go that afternoon. He’d found other routes through the halls to his classes, routes that didn’t take him by her locker.

Her dating life had stagnated until she met Ryan in college. Three years had passed between her first sexual experience with another person and her second. Ryan had lasted almost ten minutes their first time, and there’d been no mistaking his penis for a thumb! Especially since he let her put it in her mouth.

In that three year interim, though, she’d been given a gift by Tricia Albion, a year older, a year wiser perhaps, certainly sluttier. But that wasn’t fair. Jennifer didn’t begrudge Tricia her experience. “More worldly?” she offered the room.

“It feels like it’s throbbing,” Jennifer had told Tricia, under her breath, side by side at the mirror of the second floor bathroom off the gym. Tricia had turned and smiled at her, unwilling to postulate what “it” was, forcing Jennifer to say the words, “My vagina,” even more quietly.

“Yeah, you need to get yourself off.”

Jennifer Straub had blinked at her.

Tricia had stared back for a long time, then looked down at her purse. “Okay, look, I just bought this. So I’ve only used it, like, once, okay? So you don’t have to feel ooky. But I think that you need it more than me.” She’d fished around in the oversized and overstuffed purse, and finally removed something that looked to Jennifer like lipstick.

The right box, at last. The purple draw string pouch that had come off a bottle of Crown Royal shone from the bottom of the box like a beacon. “Let’s just hope I remembered right.” She untied the golden drawstring and peered inside. Beneath two AA batteries, a pentacle necklace from her brief goth phase, a marker cap with no marker, a tube of cherry lip gloss, and a surely-expired condom, she saw a hint of translucent red plastic.

“I don’t know what to do,” she’d told Tricia, staring at the red cylinder in her hand. Three shiny metal bumps adorned one end, the other was a twist cap with ON and OFF in white print. In the middle, in exaggerated comic-booky text, the words Pocket Rocket, a zigzag below was probably meant to resemble lightning.

Tricia had pursed her lips. “When you get home, light a candle, lock your door, lie down on your bed.” She’d twisted the bottom of the rocket.

The intensity of the vibrations had surprised Jennifer and she’d almost dropped it. The buzz it emitted echoed off the walls. She’d reflexively glanced at the bottom of the stalls next to them, but it seemed they were alone.

“Turn it on like that, then press it here.” Tricia poked at the fly of Jennifer’s jeans, about two thirds of the way up. The poke was only for a second, but tingles had shuddered up Jennifer’s spine.

Sitting in front of the closet, Jennifer held up her prize, the words Pocket Rocket long since worn away to just a pair of CKs and some faux lightning, but the red translucent plastic was still bright. She twisted it. Nothing. She replaced the battery with one from the Crown Royal bag and tried again. This time, the vibrator snapped to life.

In her hand, this device felt so powerful, like it could make her entire body vibrate. She watched the metal balls on the top go from well-defined bumps to shuddering haziness. She felt the familiar throb, pulled the turquoise waistband of her yoga pants down, pulled her panties aside, and pressed her old and neglected friend, the Pocket Rocket, against her clitoris.

She came moments later, barely having had time to fantasize about Bruce Shepard offering her another glass of wine.

The second orgasm took longer, and this time the fantasy surprised Jennifer by involving her old friend Tricia in a supporting role.

14

As the garage door slid closed behind him, Ryan stood at the door to the house, immobile, hand on the knob, not turning. She wouldn’t understand. She’d blame herself. She’d blame him, too. He gulped. His meeting in the city had passed as though it were happening to someone else. He’d said nothing unless spoken to. He’d met no eyes, his own focused on the table, somewhere just below eye line.

To his coworkers, and surely to Brent giving the presentation, he must have looked completely checked out. Ryan’s mind had been racing, however, turning over scenarios, examining and reexamining his sexual history. He had opportunity to reexamine it many times, since it only encompassed a single other person. Only a single act, in fact.

Should he feel it’d been enough, a summer of hand jobs from a sweet girl who was unwilling to let him reciprocate?

During the meeting, while everybody else had been trying to wrap their heads around, first, why it was so important that they all be there on a Saturday, and second, who they could blame for the fact they were about to miss their prototyping deadline, Ryan had taken a tour through his adult sexual life. From his first discoveries that rubbing himself against a pillow felt really good, to stopping after “felt really good” also included an explosive finish on the pillow cases, to those furtive hand jobs from Lauren Castelletti behind the barn on their lake house property, through the first experiences with Jennifer, the first penetrative act, the first time they explored anal, to… well, that really was the end of firsts, wasn’t it?

Firsts. Ryan signed. I miss enthusiastic exploration.

They’d explored BDSM at one point, after Jennifer had been recommended the movie Secretary. The movie was hot, but their attempts in both roles dissolved into laughter, apologies, and accidental rather than purposeful bruises. He’d figured out in his meeting, while others were also problem solving, that he needed the exploration, the firsts. But experiencing firsts again really meant involving others, didn’t it?

Sure, firsts could include roleplaying and varying their sexual repertoire, but no matter how much they did that, it was unlikely to quench the deep-down desire, the deep-down need, and it couldn’t change the fact that, “I’ve only ever had sex with one person,” Ryan whispered to the door, “I don’t know what I’m missing.”

Telling the door wouldn’t do any good. Telling himself wouldn’t do any good. The entire conversations he’d held with his passenger seat on the way back from the city had been nothing but preparation. Jennifer’s car was in the driveway, it followed he’d find Jennifer in the house. Jennifer who needed to know, needed to be told these things.

On a rare occasion when he’d actually offered Ryan and Jennifer insight instead of just receiving and processing, Dr. Petrillo had told them, “One of the greatest temptations and greatest dangers, simultaneously, is not telling our partner something because we’re worried about hurting them. We’re protecting them, shielding them from pain. Pain that we’re accepting on their behalf. Pain that can become a cancer.”

“’We must learn to communicate, to reveal ourselves,’” Ryan finished, turning the doorknob and stepping into their laundry room. He took a long slow breath, closed his eyes, and walked up to the second floor. The scent of their fireplace filled his nose. He heard the crackling as he neared. She’ll be devastated. He held for a moment before walking in, hands in pocket.

“So, I was, um—” he began, not looking up from his feet.

“I want to see what it’d be like to have sex with other people,” she said, interrupting.

Ryan paused. He heard the statement replay in his head. He felt it bouncing around in his chest. Feelings of jealousy and failure, he wasn’t worthy, he wasn’t enough. He frowned. The bouncing slowed as he calibrated his mind to this new information. Hadn’t he been about to walk in and say this very same thing? Wasn’t this what his entire day had been about? How often, he wondered, did a couple come to this realization at the same moment?

He finally did look up at her. She stared down into her lap, hands folded, sitting on the center cushion of their hunter green couch. He saw the anguish and immediately empathized. The same anguish had kept him in the garage for almost ten minutes.

He opened his mouth to share, but without looking up, she continued. “I don’t want to get divorced.”

“I don’t either,” he said.

“So I figured, well, there’s always swinging.”

Now she did meet his eyes, hers watery.

“So, drinks?” he offered after a moment.

She pointed to the sidebar, where she’d already opened a bottle of Malbec and overfilled their two largest wine glasses.

“Perfect.”

They sat side by side on the couch for a while, the fireplace crackling next to them. The blue glow of the fading day cast the only other light. Ryan’s arm lay across the back of the couch, Jennifer nestled beneath it. They’d each finished their first glass of wine, and Ryan refilled their glasses with his unoccupied hand before the discussion resumed.

“I’m happy,” said Jennifer.

“Me too,” said Ryan.

Neither sounded defensive on that subject. In the past they had, so this felt like at least the bare minimum of progress.

“We’re just not quite right,” she said. “In that department.”

“The sex.”

“The sex.”

“It should be fun,” he suggested. “We should want to do—”

“But we don’t.”

Ryan sipped his wine, letting the rich flavor swirl around his mouth before swallowing. “We haven’t tried things.”

“We’ve had such limited experience. Together and separately.” She looked up at him. “And Dr. Petrillo’s wisdom didn’t really help because we’re inexperienced. I mean how are we supposed to really know what we like, if we’ve only had sex with each other?”

Ryan interrupted. “You had sex with—”

“Steve doesn’t count as exploration. It was one time.”

“It was one more time than I—”

“Are you going to count Lauren?”

Ryan frowned. “No.”

“We’ve been trying to figure out the sex thing on our own for twelve years, Ryan.” Jennifer sat up and turned her body toward him. “I don’t feel like Steve or Lauren provided us any exceptional insight into our wants and needs, do you?”

“No.”

“So why don’t we just agree that they may as well not count.” She put her hand on his knee. “Even with their help, how’re we doing?”

“Well,” he felt that pang of defensiveness, “We’re not doing bad.”

“How’re we doing in the sex department?”

“Okay.” He turned his body toward her. “So what do we do? Most people just have affairs.”

“And most marriages end.”

“I also don’t want to get divorced.” That didn’t feel adequate. A creeping anxiety grew in Ryan. “And I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Jennifer saw Ryan’s physical presence changing. He was grabbing for breaths more quickly, sipped his wine more frequently. She felt responsible, like she’d just walked in and knocked his life over. Rationality was necessary here, to calm and soothe, to point out the obvious. She put her hand on his chest, feeling his throbbing heart and accelerated breathing. “All I’m saying is, why sneak around for something we both want to do?”

He looked at her for a long while, and she could feel his breathing slow, his heart beat return to just a touch above normal. “That’s a good point.”

She offered a smile, one he returned. The rest of the evening they left the subject alone, a restful detente as each of them processed the idea. Jennifer felt positive, she’d said her piece rather than keeping it inside. Things hadn’t exploded, the wheels hadn’t come off. The “Are you fucking kidding me?” storm out she’d imagined after her afternoon of fantasy and masturbation, hadn’t remotely come to pass.

When Ryan came out of the bathroom after brushing his teeth, he held up the red plastic vibrator, a sly smile on his face. “Where’d this come from?”

Jennifer laughed. “A girl gave it to me back in high school.”

“I meant, where’d it come from today!”

“Office closet.”

“Aha.”

His eyes sparkled. He didn’t break eye contact as he twisted the base of the vibe and the buzzing filled the room. His pajama pants expanded out, tenting at the crotch. Her eyes drifted to it, then her hands. Before long they lay in bed, Ryan the big spoon, Jennifer the little, his penis inside her. They moved together slowly, gently. He ran his fingers up and down her exposed thigh and breast. This had long been a preferred position of theirs, as it allowed for a very relaxed mood.

She did occasionally wonder if their sex life was diminished by their somewhat laissez-faire attitude, but tonight it worked to both of their benefits as they continued the conversation, circling closer and closer to what felt like a possible resolution.

“How would it work?” asked Ryan, kissing the nape of her neck, just below the downy beginning of her hair.

“We’d both be allowed to go out and see other people.” She bit her lip and exhaled slowly.

“How does one explain that to a person you’re trying to pick up? ‘I’m married, but it’s cool?’”

Jennifer considered that for a moment, distracted by the sensations within her. “I don’t really know.”

“Seems delusional,” Ryan said, “or at least something that’d be far easier for you to do than me.”

“Why?”

“Imagine a guy coming up to you and saying that.”

“Ah. Whereas I have tits,” she laughed.

“You do indeed!” He found them with his hands and pulled her tighter against him, his pace quickened.

“Right there! Right there!” She tilted her head back.

He nibbled on her shoulder. “Like this?”

“Yeah, faster!”

Her climax arrived, waves crashing for minutes before his followed. Then they lay next to each other, staring at the ceiling, sheets and blankets bunched on the floor. Jennifer thanked herself for remembering to turn the space heater on as soon as they’d come upstairs. She held his flaccid penis in her hand, her head against his chest, their breathing nearly synchronous.

“So you’re thinking open marriage over swinging?” Ryan asked.

She wasn’t sure. “I don’t know what the difference would be. I’ve heard people say ‘open marriage’ and never have any idea.”

“I think the difference is together or separately.”

Jennifer thought about this for a while. While her fantasies today had been about exploring on her own, she had to admit that the idea of doing it with Ryan there in some capacity made her tingle again. She looked down at his penis in her hand, and imagined she was holding it for someone else. For Paige? She didn’t know, but could feel her juices beginning to flow again.

“I think I’d want to do it together,” she told him.

“So swinging.”

“Yeah.”

“Like Bruce and Paige.”

Hearing their names increased the tingles. “Yeah.”

“It’s not the craziest idea.”

As she stared at it, she realized that it made her feel so juvenile, thinking of his member as his penis. She knew that’s what it was called, of course, but at this moment, as she watched it harden again and saw the glisten from their previous encounter, she knew the time had come to change their game completely. She stroked his dick. “It would solve the problem of wanting to… fuck other people.”

He stopped running his fingertips along her arm for a moment, she knew he was taking in her use of the word. “And since we’d be doing it together, it could even make us closer.”

Now he was entirely hard. Jennifer knew she wanted Ryan’s dick in her mouth. And she wanted to wrap her legs around his face while she was sucking him.

And she wanted to fuck Bruce.

And she wanted to fuck Paige.

She exploded as soon as Ryan’s tongue touched her.

15

“Today is the day we change our lives,” whispered Ryan, staring at the crack in the ceiling of their bedroom, morning light filling the room. At least, he thought today would be the day. Jennifer, beside him, still slept.

Their talk last night — more than just talk, of course — had seemed pretty conclusive. It seemed that a new and unexpected factor was about to assert itself in their lives. Speaking of things asserting themselves… Ryan glanced down at the rising tent of sheet which revealed his body’s assent to the planned course of action.

After the second session the night before, they’d retired to the shower to clean off, and that led to a third session. After that one, just heavy breathing and lying in bed. Staring upward.

“That was something.”

Ryan agreed.

“Are we going to do this?” she’d asked, between breaths, “Or is this just an imaginary thing? Like Dr. Petrillo telling us to share our fantasies.”

He rolled onto his side. “I’m in if you are.”

“We jump together.”

“Yeah.”

She rolled on her side to face him, lying nose to nose, at the center of their king-sized bed. “With Bruce and Paige?”

“I wouldn’t know where else to start,” he said, “So that seems like the best course of action.” As an afterthought he added, “I mean, assuming you want to fuck him.”

Before the words had completely left his lips, she was nodding. Ryan braced himself for the wave of jealousy but found surprisingly little lapping against the shore of his mind.

“Do you want to fuck her?” Jennifer asked, awash with earnestness.

Ryan winced. The world, TV, movies, everything had taught him that this kind of question always led to bad things if answered honestly. An affirmative answer would lead to a “Why am I not attractive enough?” throw down, while a dissenting answer could go any number of other horrible directions, including, “Why must you always lie?” Never mind that he’d asked her the same question, and it hadn’t been a trap.

“Yes,” he said, finally. “Very much.”

Jennifer’s face betrayed nothing for a moment, then she smiled. “I think I do, too.” She buried her face in her pillow.

“Really?”

He heard the sound of her rubbing against her pillow as she nodded into it. In twelve years she’d not indicated any attraction toward women. He pondered it as an old kinetoscope spooled up in his mind, something he’d seen converted to a flip book, in the garage of a buddy when he was nine. Two women, curvy, nude, in a fluffy boudoir, nuzzled against each other’s ample breasts before beginning to swat at each other with pillows. Their bushy pubic hair stood out in vivid black against the fading rest of the image. Only in the kinetoscope of his mind, the two women were his wife and Paige, and after the pillow fight they collapsed on the bed, embracing.

“Ryan?”

He snapped back. She’d unburied her head but wasn’t looking him in the eye. “Yeah?”

“That’s okay, right?” she asked.

“What?”

“That I want Paige? That I want to,” she searched for the words for a long while, “do stuff with girls?”

“Oh! Yeah, of course.”

“You don’t think it’s weird?”

“No.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” He’d pulled her in and left a kiss on her forehead, drifting to sleep soon after.

Now, in the morning light, he rolled on his side to look at her again. Her sleep didn’t seem fitful. Perhaps she felt content for the first time in a long while. He brushed a lock of hair from her face. “Today is the day we hold our breath and jump.”

16

Jennifer scrolled down to Barbara Watkins’ name in her phone and took a deep breath through her nose. She exhaled slowly, glancing at Ryan, emptying the kitchen garbage can to give himself something to do while she did this part. She pressed the call button.

When the pleasantries were done, and thanks made for the party, the conversation stalled into awkward silence.

“Well, Noah and I are about to head—”

Jennifer interrupted, blurting out, “So, we were hoping to get Bruce and Paige’s phone number.”

Silence.

“Barbara?”

“Bruce and Paige’s phone number,” Barbara said.

“Yes,” Jennifer agreed.

“Why?”

She hadn’t expected to need a reason, and somehow, “Well they’re swingers and we want to be that too,” didn’t seem like the best tactic. “They were friendly. Seemed nice,” she offered. Then, a little defensively, added, “We liked them.”

“They are nice,” Barbara agreed, a bit begrudgingly. Another long pause. “Look, I just want to say one…” she trailed off.

Muffled, she heard Barbara say, “They want to talk to Bruce and Paige.”

Then from Noah, “Well if you don’t want them scooping up your friends, you should stop inviting them to things.”

“What did you want to say,” asked Jennifer into the phone, frowning. She wanted to point out that she and Ryan were grownups, for chrissakes. They could make their own decisions and choices. Had she wanted to, she could’ve probably just found Bruce and Paige under Shepard in the phone book. Though she did wonder if she still had a phone book. White Pages online, then. But more importantly, fucking grownups! “Barbara!” she said instead, firm.

A sigh on the phone.

“Do you not want us to hang out with them?” Jennifer needled. She knew what this was, Barbara being protective, but it wasn’t warranted. Or necessary.

Ryan stood at the hall door, staring, waiting, quarter-full garbage bag in hand.

“No, honey, it’s…” Again with the pauses. “It’s nothing. Don’t worry. Have a pen?”

As it happened, Jennifer did have a pen. After writing the number down, and saying a terse goodbye to Barbara, she stared at the yellow note with a phone number on it, stuck to the linoleum table top.

Now what?

Once Jennifer had started writing, Ryan had taken the bag out to the can in the garage. Now he stood in the kitchen doorway, hands in his pockets, uncertain. “What do we do?” he asked.

“Well,” she began, then paused. “I guess we call them up. Ask them out.” Neither of the sentences were questions, but she noticed her own voice going up at the ends, implying a question mark she hadn’t intended.

“Ask them out,” Ryan repeated. “Like a date.”

Jennifer felt a flush in her cheeks, feeling suddenly very exposed by all this. This was happening too quickly, after all, wasn’t it? They’d met a couple on Friday, and here on Sunday night they were planning to ask that couple out on a date! What did that even mean? “I think a date. I mean we don’t just call them up and tell them we want to fuck them, do we?” She grinned at Ryan, a loopy grin, one that revealed the absurdity of this all. One thing was certain, she liked saying fuck better than sex.

He sat across the table from her and also stared at the Post-it. “I think it would be in our best interests, and disagree with me if… well, if you disagree with me, to get together with them to talk. Probably should have drinks.”

“Lots of drinks,” Jennifer agreed.

“And just, sorta, ask them about… what they do.”

Jennifer thought she might be nodding too much.

“They might not even be interested,” he said.

She hadn’t considered that, the possibility that this couple was extremely flirty in general, that it was just how they “did” parties. The possibility that she and Ryan might get… rejected. “Well, shit.”

“What?”

“Now you made it like high school.”

“What’d I do?”

“Now I get to worry about rejection.” She slapped her hand on the table and scowled, folding her arms across her chest.

“Oh, honey.” He leaned toward her, both of his palms flat on the table top. “I wasn’t talking about them not being interested in you.” His emphasis spoke volumes, and she turned back toward him. Her husband looked pale, nervous, needed reassurance, needed to hear, “Of course she wants to fuck you.”

He looked surprised when she said it, and more surprised when Jennifer jumped up and sat on his lap. “Yeah?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

After a moment, and a kiss, Jennifer grabbed her phone, typed in the number from the note, and held her finger over the call button. She looked at Ryan, smirked, and asked, “Are we go for launch?”

He laughed. “We’re go, flight!”

She pressed the button, then immediately pressed the one next to it, and the tinny sound of a phone ringing filled the kitchen, echoing. Another ring. Another ring. This must be a home number. Jesus, what if they’re not home? Jennifer didn’t think she could handle having to leave a message, or waiting to hear back if—

“Hello?” asked Bruce’s voice.

Seconds ticked by. Neither of them said anything. Both stared at the phone.

“Hello?” This time the voice was more puzzled.

He’d hang up in a second. One of them had to say something. One of them had to grow a pair and just—

“Bruce!” exclaimed Ryan.

He laughed at the enthusiasm. “Yes, this is! And who might you be?”

“Ryan. Ryan Lambert.”

“Ryan Lambert. We were wondering when you’d call.”

Jennifer watched as that response threw Ryan for a loop. “Oh, we weren’t trying to—” He frowned. “I mean, we didn’t want to be obvious when—”

Bruce laughed again.

Jennifer jumped in to save her husband. “I’m here, too! Jennifer. I mean, hi!” She shook her head at her own awkwardness.

“Well, hello again, Jennifer. Shall I get Paige on the line? Make it a foursome?”

Ryan and Jennifer looked at each other, lobbing a polite, nervous laugh between them.

“So, what can I do for you both? It’s not Paige’s baked Brie recipe you’re after, is it? I warn you, she’s taking that to her grave.” He waited for a response. When none came, he continued. “Sure, I know what you’re thinking, how unique could it be, it’s baked Brie after all. But if it wasn’t so unique, you wouldn’t be calling to ask for—”

Jennifer couldn’t take it. “We want to do the thing!”

Bruce waited in silence.

“With you.” She felt, perhaps, she needed to clarify. “The date thing. With you and Paige. The thing you do. Swingers. We want to. Okay?”

Another moment of silence. Shit. Could that have been any more awkward? Here came the part where he told them that they’d misread the entire situation. Would probably start with something like, “Listen,” and then follow along with, “We think you’re great, and we’d love to be friends with you both, but—”

“Sounds lovely,” said Bruce. “When?”

They hadn’t thought that far ahead. Jennifer grabbed at her phone and opened the calendar app. Shit! Christmas is this week, then New Year’s next week. She showed the calendar to Ryan, who scowled.

“Hard to plan these things, what with the holidays and all,” said Bruce.

“Yeah.”

“But you know what…” They heard Bruce cover the phone with his hand. He was much better at hiding the other half of the conversation than Barbara had been. “Got plans tonight?” he asked when he returned.

Jennifer scrolled back to today, Sunday. Empty. She looked to Ryan who, wide eyed, shrugged. She didn’t want to think about the implication of having a date in less than twelve hours, or to think about what that date could mean, or contain, or imply, so she just answered the question directly. “No. We don’t have plans tonight.”

“Would you like some?”

“Sure,” said Ryan, jumping in.

17

The pile of clothes on the bed intimidated Jennifer. They were all decent options, so she couldn’t rightly say that she had nothing to wear, but she certainly felt that way. Ryan changed his shirt for the fourth time, this one midnight blue.

“Is this okay?” he asked her.

She didn’t give it more than a glance. “It’s fine.”

Jennifer disappeared back into her closet, sliding a blouse, a dress, a shirt, down the rack. Why hadn’t she ever organized in here? Every year she made a deal with herself that she’d only buy more clothes if she organized, or donated the ones she wasn’t wearing. She saw a few of those “not wearing” offenders at the back and pulled them down, looking around for a box to stuff them into, finally start the donation pile.

She stopped. “What the hell am I doing?” she exclaimed to herself, tossing the donation possibilities on the floor in the back corner of the closet.

“You’re getting ready for a date,” Ryan offered from outside the closet.

Jennifer sat on the closet floor. I’m getting ready for a date, she thought. A date with swingers, a date with the intention of learning about swinging, a date with the intention of maybe having sex with other people, a date with her husband and other people. She realized she hadn’t taken a breath since she sat down and gasped, grabbing for the dresser at the back of the closet.

“How about this one?” Ryan appeared in the door, now wearing a charcoal button down. He’d also redone his hair, back instead of to the side. When he noticed her on the floor he rushed to her. “Are you okay?” He knelt in front of her, between her legs.

“Yeah,” she said, “Overwhelmed.”

He took her hand. “Me too.”

“You look good.”

“Yeah?”

She gave him a once-over and smiled. He did look good. His wardrobe for non-formal things was decidedly business casual, but emphasized the business. His dark slacks went well with the shirt. “Very nice. Sexy.”

“Sexy.” He grinned. “Really?”

“Definitely.” She looked, distraught, at her two racks full of clothes. “Will you please help me?”

He glanced at the clothes, too. “Of course. What do you need?”

“I’ve got nothing. It’s like I’ve forgotten what’s sexy.”

“You haven’t forgotten what’s sexy, you looked sexy at the party!”

Jennifer smiled, a warm and fuzzy feeling descending on her. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, and Bruce must’ve thought so too.”

The warm fuzziness became a pulse, and she knew she’d better keep looking before she got distracted by other things.

“How about this?” he asked, pulling a red sweater dress off the rack.

Jennifer went pffft!

“Well, I’m sorry, okay.” He replaced it and slid his fingers down her hanging clothes, stopping on one toward the back. “This?”

She looked at it. She’d be cold for sure, the material was thin, a jersey knit. But that made it soft. The scoop neck was also a plus, since she fully intended to get some mileage out of that old push-up bra that she’d been saving for… well, she wasn’t sure what she’d been saving it for. Simple black, so she could go with anything on her legs. Ryan loved her in tights.

“Sold,” she said.

Ryan looked surprised. He laughed. “Really?”

“What color tights?” She yanked off her t-shirt and kicked off her yoga pants. Ryan stared. “Ryan?” She smiled and ran her index finger over her left nipple. “Please focus,” she said, biting her lower lip. “Or what about the thigh-high socks?”

“Yes,” he said, “Purple. The striped ones.”

She stepped closer to him, pressing her breasts against his shirt. She reached into the top drawer of her dresser and grabbed the woolen purple and black-striped socks he liked so much. “I’m going to look young in these,” she pointed out.

“You’re going to look sexy in those,” he countered, his hand finding the cleft where her legs met. She rapidly drew a breath and he smiled, making an mmmm sound.

“Do you think we have time?” she asked him.

“I don’t know what time it is,” he told her.

They looked at each other for a moment, then she reached forward and unzipped his fly.

When he left the closet roughly fifteen minutes later, Ryan’s shirt hung untucked, his dick protruded from his fly, and his hair was mussed. “Well shit,” he said, “how’s ten minutes late to leave strike you?”

Jennifer emerged from the closet, bra on, pulling the dress over her head, socks clamped in her teeth. The clock read quarter ’till eight. She dropped the socks onto the bed. “You’re driving?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll do makeup in the car. Check your hair.”

They were out of the house by ten ’till.

Ryan drove the twenty minutes to the restaurant, a steakhouse called the Horn Lodge, in the next suburb over. His right hand rested on Jennifer’s purple and black-clad knee as she applied her makeup.

As she finished adding mascara to her lashes, she stared at her eyes in the mirror, blinking at the wide eyes staring back at her. “Jumping into the deep end, aren’t we?”

“So it would seem,” he replied.

“Can we really do this?” asked Ryan, as he pulled into a parking spot in front of The Horn Lodge, the red neon sign lighting up their faces in a distinctly Amsterdammy way.

“It’s not illegal.” She laughed, then her face changed. “Wait, it’s not, right?”

“No,” said Ryan. He was sure. Well. Not sure. “Pretty sure.”

“Are we being rash?”

He thought about it. Rash? No. They’d spent the last twelve years being so conservative with their expectations and desires, playing their feelings so close to the vest. That had been the poor decision, he was sure of it.

“No. No, I don’t think we are.”

“Are we ready for this?”

Ryan wasn’t sure, so he squeezed her knee. An image swam before his eyes, the two of them in a small beige room with a balding man in a short sleeve shirt and tie. “It’s not like we’re buying a time share here, we’re just meeting a couple friends for dinner.” He laughed to himself.

“A couple friends.”

“Yes,” he smiled, “I don’t feel we’ve made any decision we can’t walk back, do you?”

She snapped the mirror closed but still didn’t look at him. She looked at his hand, then placed hers on top. She took a deep breath. “No. No, we haven’t.”

“So if this all gets…” he searched for the word.

“Too real?” she offered.

“Exactly. If it gets too real, we can always thank them for a lovely evening and head home for the night.” Ryan nodded to himself to reinforce this potential course of action. “And, I don’t know, I guess I feel… optimistic? Like, they seem really well put together to me.”

“Like they know what they’re doing.”

“Exactly.” He lifted her hand to his mouth and kissed each of her fingers. “Today is the day we change our lives.” He sucked on the very tip of her pinky for a brief moment.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Let’s go.”

18

Without a doubt, the Horn Lodge was the nicest restaurant Jennifer and Ryan had ever been to. Intimidating, in fact, when they walked through the door: dimly lit by discreet inset lighting, deep red cherry wood bar and tabletops crossed with clean white linens, candles on each table. They removed their coats and gripped them tightly as they stood by the hostess welcome station.

A blond woman, early thirties in a crisp white dress shirt, stepped up to meet them. “Good evening, table for two?” she asked.

They stared at each other. No, we’re adding more to our twosome, thought Jennifer.

“We, uh—” Ryan began.

“We’re meeting some people,” she finished.

“You must be the Lamberts.”

The flush of embarrassment hit Jennifer’s cheeks. She felt so exposed here, in her low cut dress, cleavage on display. Real names. Shouldn’t there be aliases or pseudonyms or something when you do this? For rendezvous, for trysts? Something.

“Yes,” said Ryan. “We are.”

“The rest of your party is already here. If you’ll follow me, I’ll take you to them.” The young woman turned and walked into the dim restaurant, moving past the bar.

Jennifer looked at Ryan, who offered a weak smile. “It’s about possibility. Potential,” she said, walking after the waitress.

“Yes, right,” he said, following. “We can do this.” He leaned forward and whispered into her ear, “Your cleavage game is on point.”

Jennifer smiled to herself, shedding the doubt for a moment, knowing that he was right.

The hostess led them to a table for four, tucked into a back corner of the restaurant, secluded thanks to a rack of wine bottles on one side and barrels on the other. Bruce and Paige sat across from each other, Bruce with his back to the approaching group. When the hostess neared the table, though not near enough to hear conversation, she stopped and gestured toward it. “Have a lovely evening,” she said, and disappeared back into the darkness.

Paige noticed them first and smiled, standing. Bruce followed her lead and turned around. “Hello, Lamberts!” he said as they approached. He stepped forward, holding his hands out. “May I take your coats?”

Jennifer gave her coat up reluctantly, now with nothing to hide behind, no armor at all. Bruce hung their outerwear on wall hooks in the corner. Perhaps sensing the discomfort radiating off them, Paige walked over, all smiles. Her hair, spilling over her shoulders, framing a face showing little makeup. She also wore a dress that emphasized her bosom, with a high enough hem to reveal that her dark stockings were thigh highs.

She took Ryan’s hands. “We are so very happy you suggested this!”

He cleared his throat, more loudly than he’d intended. “So are we.”

Bruce ambled back to the group, his hands in his pockets. He also wore dark slacks and a burgundy button down. “Honestly we weren’t sure we’d see you again, when we found out that Noah… well, told on us. But thankfully we are seeing you now, so hello!”

He opened his arms, offering a most comforting embrace.

“Oh, well, it was sort of a left field surprise,” said Jennifer, stepping forward.

Bruce enveloped her with his arms. His scent filled her nose as she hugged back, just a touch of cologne or shave lotion. Warm, comforting indeed.

Paige leaned forward and kissed Ryan gently on the lips, following the kiss with a hug. Ryan blinked as she moved to Jennifer. That was the first kiss on the lips he’d received from anyone other than Jennifer in almost thirteen years. That felt… significant. He watched Paige surprise Jennifer with the same kiss, and she appeared to go from quite content to startled, then to a sort of woozy smile.

Bruce pulled Ryan into a bear hug.

As Ryan returned the hug, he pondered the strangeness of it all. The intimate physical interaction with people they’d just met two days prior. Do friends kiss? Have the Shepards already made assumptions about their comfort level? Their interest level? Ryan re-calibrated his thoughts. But isn’t it nice? The brief kiss from Paige, the hug from Bruce. Hell, his relationship with the two men he’d consider close friends was mostly antagonistic, wasn’t it? They didn’t hug. This all felt so…

“You guys sure know how to make people feel comfortable in their discomfort,” Jennifer blurted.

“Well, how about we ease that discomfort by doing something rather normal, and sit,” suggested Bruce. He extended his hand toward the table. He pulled out a chair for Jennifer, and Paige sat across from her. “Mind if I sit here?” he asked, gesturing to the chair next to Jennifer. She looked back at Ryan.

“Oh, uh, sure,” said Ryan, “Fine with me.”

Paige winked at him. “Good, I sit next to him plenty.” She patted the seat next to hers, and Ryan sat.

Quiet. Uncomfortable silence. The foursome smiled at each other.

Jennifer broke first. “So. We don’t know how this works.”

“It’s just like dinner with vanilla friends,” said Paige, “Only with more potential.”

“Vanilla?” asked Ryan.

Bruce smiled, looking back and forth between the Lamberts. “It’s what we call people like you. I mean, at least until you join us on the other side of the fence.”

Paige leaned across the table toward Jennifer. “That’s the fun side,” she assured her. “But Bruce, I think they’re at least vanilla with sprinkles.”

Jennifer and Ryan locked eyes across the table. She willed him to say something, to make sure that the other couple knew that this wasn’t a done deal, that they weren’t a sure thing yet. When he said nothing, she offered: “Oh, yeah, we’re just—”

“Testing the waters,” said Bruce. “We know.”

“It’s a lot of pressure,” Ryan said, looking down at his place setting. “I mean this is our first date in— I mean… it’s not a date. I didn’t think this was—” Jennifer watched him start to panic. “I just meant…”

Thankfully, Bruce saved him. “You’re fine, Ryan. Remember to breathe.”

“I think we should all have some drinks!” said Jennifer, craving the sweet social lubricant. “Do you all think we should have some drinks?” She noticed that the pitch of her voice had elevated, and the realization kicked it up a few notches higher. “Drinks would be good. Maybe some wine.”

“Yes, I think some wine would be a fine idea.” Bruce caught the attention of their waiter and made the international drinking gesture. The waiter nodded and disappeared.

“Okay, guys,” Paige leaned forward again and dropped her voice. She waved everybody in. “Let’s make this a little bit easier for you. Because I’m sensing some…”

“Stress?” offered Bruce.

“Yeah.”

Jennifer and Ryan met eyes and nodded.

“Do we want to fuck you?” asked Paige. “Yes,” she confirmed, her voice now little more than a whisper.

Ryan immediately broke eye contact. “Oh, uh—” He stopped talking when Paige pressed a purple-nailed index finger against his lips.

“Do we want to be your friends even if we don’t get to fuck you?” she posed. “Yes!”

Bruce nodded. “So let’s not worry about anything beyond having a lovely dinner with awesome friends.”

“Because there’s no pressure at all.” Paige looked back and forth between Ryan and Jennifer. Then she smiled and held both thumbs up.

A waiter appeared with a bottle of red. “Your Barbera, Sir,” he said, showing the bottle to the foursome. Jennifer watched as the waiter uncorked the bottle and handed the cork to Bruce, who smelled it as the waiter poured a taste. Bruce swished, swallowed, then nodded. The waiter set and filled their glasses, then left the bottle and vanished back into the restaurant.

“I, uh,” Ryan began, stopping before more came out. He took another run at it, lifting his glass up. All eyes were on him, he wondered if this was a foolish idea, should he have left the toast up to Bruce? You can do this! “I just wanted to say that we, that Jennifer and I, haven’t made very many friends in our adult lives. But, uh, meeting you two, we right away saw— Right?” he asked Jennifer, who returned a nod and proud smile. “Right away, that you were both the kind of people we wanted to spend time with. Whatever that meant.”

Paige rubbed his knee in support.

He felt he should actually get to the toast part of his toast. “So, I guess then, a toast. To trying new things.”

The foursome clinked glasses.

“And new special friends,” added Jennifer.

“Hear that, angel,” said Bruce to his wife, “They think I’m special.”

“We, handsome. We,” said Paige.

As the wine and conversation began to flow, things began to feel more natural for Jennifer. Ryan had begun to sit up straighter, to drop the “uhs,” to smile wider. She thought he might actually be coming out of his shell a bit; regardless of where tonight led, this wouldn’t turn out to be one of those evenings where they had the I wish we’d just stayed home and watched Netflix conversation.

Such a relief.

“I honestly had no idea she was interested in me,” Bruce said, in the middle of a story about an evening at a sexy party.

“No, sure,” Paige laughed she turned to Ryan conspiratorially, “he says this every time, but the woman was topless.”

Ryan laughed, hard.

“So were you!” Bruce said.

Jennifer found herself entranced by both Bruce and Paige, but she was spending a lot of her evening, between bits of conversation, watching her husband. Her husband, who’d over the years become so withdrawn around other people, even around her. Look at him now, smiling, making people laugh with his own stories. This was what he’d been like when they’d met, way back then. She watched Ryan tell a story, surprised to realize he was telling the story of the girl he’d dated before her, talking about his lack of sexual experience. Her mild embarrassment at the subject being brought up was washed away by the fact that he felt comfortable enough to tell it at all.

“I just never had a chance, you know?” he said, “And she was surprisingly uninterested in anything but giving hand jobs. I never did see her with her pants off.”

“The trap of heavy petting,” offered Bruce.

Ryan laughed. “Definitely. I mean granted, I was getting regular hand jobs, so how much can I complain?”

“Bruce doesn’t like them,” said Paige.

“Hey now, let’s not be telling stories after school,” Bruce winked.

“You don’t?” asked Jennifer. She’d wanted it to come out coyly, but felt she’d missed that target a bit and just sounded surprised.

“Well, hey,” Bruce held up his hands, “I’ve never said that I don’t like them.”

“You don’t prefer them, then,” clarified Paige.

“Okay, true, I don’t prefer them.”

“I love them,” said Ryan.

Paige smiled at him. “I love giving them.”

Ryan almost choked on his bread-stick. Paige lightly patted him on the back.

“You okay, there?”

“I’m okay.”

Jennifer laughed, glancing down at Bruce’s leg as he spoke, recommending they not overthink his dislike of hand jobs. Trying not to overthink her next move herself, she placed her hand on his upper thigh and squeezed.

“So, when you masturbate the same way like that, heh,” Bruce turned and winked at her, “then it becomes difficult for anyone to… make it happen… without doing it exactly the same way.”

“And have you seen his hands?” asked Paige.

He looked at his hands, both front and back. “Guilty, I guess.” He rested his arm on the back of Jennifer’s chair, and she felt a light touch as he ran his finger along her back.

She let her eyes flutter closed for a moment. The fear they’d felt, coming into the restaurant, was a specter now, almost gone entirely. She still wasn’t sure where this would lead, of course, but she felt far more willing to go with the flow.

“We’d forgotten how to get ready for a date,” Ryan admitted when their food came.

“You’re fond of calling it that,” said Paige with a smile.

“Well, what do you call it?”

“With the food and drinks?” Bruce asked, gesturing to said food and drinks. “It’s dinner, Ryan.”

Feeling cheeky, Jennifer asked “And how about the… sex?”

“Dessert.” Paige smiled and ran her tongue along her upper lip.

Dinner progressed and another bottle of wine arrived. Ryan and Jennifer deferred to Bruce’s wine expertise, though he did consult with Paige when choosing between an Amarone and a Chianti. She chose Chianti, “Because I’m feeling spicy.”

“Jen said your kids are making inquiries,” said Ryan, later. “About the thing.”

“Oh, the thing!” asked Bruce.

“That thing we do?” laughed Paige, shimmying a bit.

“Yeah, as they get older they ask a lot more questions,” Bruce said. “Think we can stop them from doing that?”

“Getting older?” laughed Paige. “Not legally, I don’t think.”

“Maybe just the questions, then.”

“Questions like,” said Paige, “’why do you put your coat on in your bedroom?’”

Jennifer wasn’t sure she understood why herself, but curiously asked: “What do you say?”

“The truth: that’s where I keep my coats!” Paige nodded, indicating that’s where the conversation with her sons would end.

“She just omits the fact that she’s wearing a schoolgirl outfit beneath the coat.”

Ryan’s eyes glazed. “Schoolgirl outfit.”

A vivid picture of Paige in a short, plaid, pleated skirt, and a white shirt, partly unbuttoned, coalesced in Jennifer’s mind. When her mind-Paige bent over, she saw that panties had been left out of the outfit.

Ryan noticed that Jennifer, across the table, had checked out, her glazed look intensely focused on Paige’s cleavage. “Jen,” he tried to whisper across the table to her, realizing the futility and foolishness as soon as both of the Shepards turned to look at him.

“She’s fine,” said Paige. “I’m happy she likes them.”

That snapped Jennifer out of it. “Oh, I.”

“It’s okay to like them.”

He watched the red flush crawl up Jennifer’s neck and into her cheeks as she avoided their gaze. He wanted to help, but wasn’t sure what he could do.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—” she took a sip of her wine and shrank in her seat.

“Jennifer,” said Paige, putting her hand on top of Jennifer’s. “I’ve been looking down your dress every chance I’ve had. Your breasts are wonderful.”

That did it, Jennifer coughed on the wine and kept coughing, pressing her other hand to her chest. Bruce patted her back.

“Are you okay?” asked Ryan.

“She’s experiencing girl lust, give her a minute,” said Paige, moving around the table and crouching next to Jennifer.

Jennifer turned a bit toward her, still coughing, still flushed with embarrassment. Paige put her hands on both of Jennifer’s knees.

“Look at me,” said Paige, then pointed to both of her eyes. “Right here.”

Jennifer did as she was told, and the coughing slowly subsided.

A waiter approached, but Bruce shook his head and silently waved the man away.

“You okay?” Paige asked.

A nod, a cough. Paige moved up from the crouch, closed her eyes, and pressed her lips against Jennifer’s. After a moment, Jennifer closed her eyes, too.

Ryan stared, entranced. He didn’t know what he’d expected from this night, but seeing these two kiss hadn’t been on the list.

“See, Ryan,” offered Bruce, “stepping outside your comfort zone is fun.”

Ryan nodded an affirmation.

After the kiss became a hug, and Jennifer’s breathing returned to normal, the conversation turned to hobbies and families, drifting briefly through the religion and politics valley, though all agreed that they had far more interesting things to talk about.

“The game is Never Have I Ever,” offered Paige. “You say something you’ve never done, and whoever has, takes a drink.”

“I think you guys’re going to win,” said Ryan.

“I think we all win,” said Paige.

The game started fairly tamely, with talk of kisses, fondles, and childhood crushes, going around the circle. Ryan had been right, the Shepards drank far more often than they did.

When dessert came, the waiter brought a slender dark brown wine bottle. “This is ice wine,” said Bruce, pouring a small bit in each of their fresh glasses. “They harvest the grapes after the first frost, and that traps in the sugar, so it’s very sweet. From just outside Niagara Falls. The Canadian side, above their tribute to Branson, Missouri.” He winked.

Ryan felt Paige’s lips and hot breath near his ear as he took a sip.

“It’s so sweet,” she said, “Do you like sweet, Ryan?”

He wasn’t sure which was more intoxicating, the wine, or the woman asking. “Do I like sweet?”

“Wine, Ryan, stay with me.”

“Yes.”

“He does like sweet,” said Jennifer.

Paige turned to her. “I believe it’s your turn, my lovely.”

Jennifer thought for a moment. “Never have I ever been in an orgy.”

Both Bruce and Paige sipped their wine, Ryan was sure their sips were getting smaller every time. “How many people do you need to qualify as an orgy?”

“I think international standards say five and up,” said Bruce, “Sounds right, doesn’t it, angel?”

“Sounds exactly right,” said Paige, adding more wine to Ryan’s glass.

Ryan watched the glass fill with the thicker golden wine. “Are you trying to get me drunk?”

Paige laughed.

He watched her and Bruce make eye contact across the table. Her eyes seemed to gesture away. Bruce nodded.

“That was subtle,” said Ryan.

“Now, now,” responded Paige, standing up.

“We’ve all had a good deal of wine here tonight,” said Bruce. “I don’t believe subtlety is on the table any longer.”

“We’re going to excuse ourselves for a moment,” Paige said.

“To talk about us?” Jennifer laughed, then became serious when she realized, “oh, it is to talk about us, isn’t it?”

“In the spirit of transparency, yes,” said Bruce, also standing. “In this thing, we don’t have the luxury of just excusing ourselves to the restroom to assess the situation. That’s the detriment of plural.”

Ryan laughed. “The detriment of plural.”

“You like that?”

“I do.”

“So we’ll be right back.”

Bruce and Paige disappeared toward the bar. When they were a bit out of range, Ryan jumped up and sat down next to Jennifer. “How’re we doing?”

“I have no idea,” she replied.

“Well, how are you doing?”

“Fun! I mean, I’m having a lot of fun.”

Ryan felt relief. “Good, yes, me too.”

She took a deep breath, and when she let it out she had a touch of sadness in her voice. “I really like them. But it’s making me feel like I never really connected with my girlfriends.”

He nodded. “I know exactly what you mean.”

“And.” She stopped, and looked away.

“What?”

“I don’t know if I can tell you.”

Ryan frowned. “Sure you can, you can tell me anything. I mean, didn’t they say that was a rule? That communication is key?”

“I feel like,” she started, “like Paige is really into me. And I feel sorta conceited saying that.”

He shook his head. “No, honey, look at me.”

She did.

“Paige is really into you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, like, to an obvious extent.”

Jennifer giggled to herself. “I really, like really, want to make out with her. Is that bad?”

“It’s new.”

“Yeah,” she nodded, emphatically. “Yeah, it’s new.”

“Not bad, not bad in any way,” he assured her.

“You don’t think it’s weird?”

Ryan stared at her and saw fear of judgment in her face. He put his hands on her cheeks. “Honey, I love you.”

“I love you, too,” she whispered back.

“I think it would be really, really awesome to watch you make out with Paige.” He laughed. “When she kissed you earlier, I, uh, I hit at least half mast.”

Jennifer laughed heartily. She straightened up, almost cocky, clearly aroused. “Yeah? You’d like that?”

“God, well, yeah!”

“Well, something might interest you,” she said, “that I was thinking about.”

“What?”

She dropped her voice to a whisper coated with devilish overtones. “I want to see you fuck her.” Embarrassment overtook the devilishness, and she looked away.

“Yes,” said Ryan, taking the comment in. “This idea would also… not… be… in any way… a bad… idea.”

“This is weird!” said Jennifer, affording herself a quick glance back to Ryan.

“This is the day, Jen. We’re jumping in together. You jump, I jump, right?”

“That’s from Titanic,” Jennifer said and burst out laughing.

19

Paige’s nails running down the sleeve of Bruce’s shirt made a soft shhh sound as she sat on the stool next to him. The Horn Lodge’s bar was nearly empty past nine on a Sunday. “You have concerns,” she told him, not asking.

She could tell when Bruce had concerns about a playmate, she could see it in his reactions, his gestures, even the way he laughed at a joke. One of his tells: wiping his hand down over his nose and mustache. She wasn’t sure that he even knew he did it, and she didn’t want to tell him and lose this valuable insight. His tell.

“Yeah. Mild, but yeah,” agreed Bruce. He mouthed water at the bartender and held up two fingers. “You?”

She really didn’t have concerns, and that made her feel good. Jennifer and Ryan had a spark. “I did, at first. I mean, just the fact that they’re so close with Barb and Noah alone was cause for concern.” She smiled. “And they’re babies!”

He laughed and passed a glass of water to her, courtesy of the bartender. “Well, there is that, but that doesn’t bother me.”

“Of course not.” She poked at his side. “Another beautiful young thing throwing herself at Bruce Shepard.”

He glanced over at her, eyes narrowed, smile a bit tighter.

She shook her head. She enjoyed pressing his buttons, to be sure, but not while he was concerned. That would be cruel. “Well, would you like to share your concerns?”

He took a long drink of his water. “I feel like they’re willing to give it a go, but it might be too much.”

“Swinging? Us?”

He shrugged. “All of the above.”

She agreed, their nervousness and enthusiasm showed a sort of blind ambition that could very well lead to a negative outcome. “We were like that.”

“Eh,” he shrugged a bit. “I think you remember it differently than I do.”

She remembered it vividly, a wild discovery that there was this thing in the world, and people they knew did it. This thing that sat behind closed doors, forbidden, just starting to re-awaken to the modern age, utilizing AOL and Prodigy and this wacky new thing called categorized chat rooms. One moment they were looking down the road at the future and saw monogamy, kids, grandkids, perhaps retiring on a sailboat — and then there were swingers, and they were everywhere.

It had taken until the mid-nineties for the swingers to start re-emerging from the bomb shelter they’d hidden themselves in, after the eighties made sex truly frightening, and killed all the goodwill that the seventies pioneers, the progenitors of the “open” movement, had fought for. She and Bruce had ridden the wave of resurgence, a coincidence where technology and desire worked in tandem.

And everybody got laid.

They had jumped into the deep end straight off the high dive. “Did some flips along our dive in, if I recall,” she said, putting her arms around Bruce’s shoulders.

“Perhaps you’re just forgetting the stress.”

“I’m not forgetting the stress. I’m saying the difficulties were worth it.” She leaned forward and whispered into his ear. “And that couple over there has seen behind the curtain. It was an apocalypse, darling. The veil has lifted and they’ve seen the possibility that exists in the world. Nothing will put that back in the bottle.”

“No,” he agreed with reluctance.

“So, what I’m saying is that those four eyes have seen the glory of the coming of salvation.” She grinned and snorted. “And, I don’t know if you got it from context, but I’m choosing to spell that c-u-m.”

“I got that,” he returned a laugh. “So does your revelry have a point, or are you just sloshed.”

Paige put a hand to her chest and expelled a mock gasp. “My point, my handsome man, is that we can tell them they ’ought to think about it for a couple weeks, and we can hope that they sit down and weigh the pros and cons and come up with a real analysis of whether or not their relationship can handle the stress fracture that this occasionally causes…”

He could hear the ellipses in her sentence. “Or?”

“Or we could tell them that we like them, and we want them.”

“We already did that,” Bruce returned, “at the beginning.”

“Yeah, but now they’re sitting there wondering if they passed the test.” She sighed. “You know how difficult that is.”

“Yeah.”

“So we can tell them that we like them, and we want them, and we want to take it at their pace and not do anything they’re not sure about and all that stuff. And be that wonderful couple they seem to think we are.” She drank the last of the water he’d handed her. “See? I’m spacing.”

“They think you are wonderful, at least,” he pointed at her. “You’ve got them both wrapped up. Without question.”

“Oh, please.” Paige waved the comment away, not deigning to let it exist.

“I don’t want to overwhelm them.”

“So don’t.” As if to emphasize the ease of it all, Paige shrugged and lifted her palms skyward. “Look, I get it. We don’t want to scare off the noobs so badly.”

“And I understand what you’re saying. If not us, it could be someone else.”

“Someone who wouldn’t be looking out for their best interests nearly as much as us.”

Their first couple had been mediocre at best; a decent first date, then drama, fights between them in private rooms at parties, then fights in the center of parties, then the emailed accusations towards her and Bruce had begun. She wondered if the first few years would’ve been easier, if they would’ve made fewer mistakes, if they’d had better people to talk to.

“Well, I’m in. You?” Bruce asked, pointing to her.

“Do you have to ask?”

“No, your nipples speak volumes.”

Paige opened her mouth in mock shock, looked down at her nipples asserting themselves, and covered the small bumps with her hands. “But you don’t think tonight’s the night?”

“I don’t think they’re going to make a move, and I think we should let them make the first one.”

“That’s fair.”

“We should tell them we had a great time and call it a night.” Bruce threw a couple bucks on the bar and waved to the bartender.

She sighed.

“You’re disappointed.”

Paige held up her thumb and index finger a bit apart.

“It’s just postponing. We can even offer to put something on the schedule for Friday.”

“Friday is Christmas.”

“Shit.”

“Stupid holidays.”

“Well, maybe we can unwrap the Lamberts.” Bruce winked and held out his hand. She took it.

As they walked back to the table, she moved from handholding to snuggling against his shoulder, her arm tucked into his. This man of hers. This considerate fine man. Of all the men she’d ever met — a number which, by her own reckoning, had increased exponentially since they’d begun swinging almost two decades ago — this man was something special.

“So, guys,” her man began when they returned to the table. “We just wanted to say that we had a wonderful time tonight, and that if you ever—”

Jennifer stood quickly and stepped forward. She took a deep breath and reached for Paige’s other hand. Uncertain, Paige decoupled from Bruce and allowed herself to be drawn forward by the lovely woman, red-cheeked, wide-eyed. She laughed. “What’s up?”

Jennifer’s lips touched hers, the overture surprising her. What began as a tight-lipped, almost familial, kiss loosened, and she felt her lower lip tugged by Jennifer’s. Then their lips parted, and tongues danced, the sounds of the world around them fading away. Bruce’s muffled, “Well, I guess that changes things,” almost like music being played the next ballroom over. Jennifer brought her hands up to Paige’s hair. Fingers slid between the locks, and Paige felt Jennifer’s nails slide against her scalp, sending shivers down her spine.

She wasn’t sure how long they stood like that, though at some point Paige distinctly noted that their position had shifted about three feet to the left and two back, because the round body of a wine barrel was now pressed against her back. Their heads were tilted at complimentary angles, noses brushing against each other, lips and tongues, breathing together. Paige wrapped her own arms around Jennifer’s waist and pulled her body closer.

Then, as suddenly as it had begun, the kiss ended. Lips separated, hovered mere millimeters from each other. Noses rubbed again. Eyes fluttered open, an extremely close view that didn’t offer clarity, but detail shone. Flecks of brown in Jennifer’s hazel eyes.

Sound began to return as Jennifer exhaled an almost silent laugh. “Sorry,” she offered.

Paige’s loud laugh startled all of them. “Sorry?”

“I should’ve asked,” said Jennifer, stepping back a bit.

“Oh, well,” Paige said, and immediately regretted the laugh, “listen you lovely thing, that was… amazing.”

“Yeah, it was,” Ryan said, though it wasn’t clear if he was talking to the group or assuring himself he’d actually seen it.

“I just,” she searched for the words, “didn’t expect it.” She gripped both of Jennifer’s arms, pulling her closer again. “Thank you so much for doing that.”

This reassured Jennifer, her bashful smile returned. “So, we were talking. And. Um.” She looked at Ryan, who nodded. “Want to come back to our place? Tonight? Like, I mean I know it’s late, so right now. Maybe?”

“I’ll be honest,” Ryan added. “We don’t know exactly what inviting you over after a date, erm, dinner, means or implies, but we’re intrigued enough to take the risk anyway.” He took a long pause. “So, thoughts?”

Paige blinked her surprise and turned her head to Bruce.

He pursed his lips for a moment, then shrugged. “I’m game,” he said, but then poked his finger toward the small tray with the bill and Ryan’s credit card on it. “Though if you think for a moment I’m going to let the two of you subsidize my ridiculous wine habit, you’ve got another thing coming.”

“Oh, thank god,” said Ryan, “I just thought it was a good move, but damn, that wine was expensive.”

“Anything worth doing is worth overdoing,” said Bruce, throwing his own credit card on the bill.

20

Their car cut through the night. A giggle escaped Jennifer’s lips. Ryan followed with his own laugh. They held hands across the center gap between the seats. “I mean,” said Ryan.

“What?” she asked, trying to affect a coy attitude, but coming across far more seductively than she even intended.

Ryan turned to face her, and she could see something in his eyes that she hadn’t expected. Her husband was impressed. She’d expected surprise, perhaps shock and awe, had been prepared for jealousy even, but she hadn’t expected him to be joyously impressed. “What?” he asked, emphasizing it with what sounded like an entire paragraph’s worth of exclamation points and question marks.

“Okay.” She felt she should be bashful. Everything told her she should be bashful, embarrassed, something. Wasn’t what she did the same thing that college girls did at bars to impress their boyfriends? Make out with the hotties? Make out with each other? To amp up their men for a good pounding later in the evening. To bring out… well, honestly, having worked through college and lived at home, she didn’t quite know beyond what she’d seen on TV, but it seemed like it brought out the worst in them.

“Barsexual,” Ryan had called it dismissively, once upon a time. “They don’t want to do it, they just do.”

Tonight hadn’t been that. Not with Paige. Tonight had had been… “Wow.”

“Wow, indeed,” returned Ryan. “I applaud your form jumping in. That certainly seemed to catch them off guard.”

“Oh, god,” she said, considering that. “You don’t think in a bad way, do you?”

“I don’t think they’d be coming over right now if you’d caught them off guard in a bad way.”

“You’re sure?”

He smiled. “I’m sure of nothing here, hon, we’re sort of off the map. I’ll tell you a few things from my perspective, though. One, you surprised and delighted Paige. Two, you surprised and delighted Bruce. Three, you surprised and delighted me.”

“Yeah?” Jennifer lost herself in the memory of the kiss. The way Paige had felt, the moisture on her lips, the scent and taste of her breath, her perfume, her hair, all mingling together to form a most intoxicating bouquet.

“And how about you?”

“Hmm?” she asked.

“How do you feel?”

“God, she was soft.” Jennifer lightly ran her tongue over her lips. “And she tasted good.”

He laughed. “Fuck.”

“An operative word.” She took a deep breath and squeezed Ryan’s hand. She let the processing take over and took another deep breath. The realization that the evening, rather than ending, had just begun, pounced on her. “We invited them back to our house to fuck them, right?”

“I think so,” he said, his face also growing pale.

“Is the bedroom clean?”

“I can throw everything in the closet if we spend some time downstairs first.”

“Good. Maybe light some candles. I don’t know. Is that weird? That’s weird, isn’t it.” The welling panic, her heart pounding.

“It’s not weird.”

“What the hell are we doing?” she asked.

“Do you want to call it off?”

“No!” She stared at Ryan, shocked he might even suggest it. “I may be freaked out about the particulars, but I damned sure want to see what else that kiss might lead to tonight.”

“Okay,” he smiled, holding his right hand up, palm out. “Well, before we do this, do you think there are any like, details, limits, stuff like that we should work out?”

She nodded. “Probably.”

“Okay.”

“Oh,” she said. “I don’t have any on deck or anything.”

“Condoms?”

“Condoms, absolutely.” She nodded. “Penetration?”

“Meaning penis and vagina.”

“Yeah.” She frowned. “Or butt, I suppose.”

“Not off limits?” he asked.

“Not for me. I mean, I don’t want it, but it’s not a limit where I would say you shouldn’t do it or anything.” She thought about it and turned to him. “But we sleep together. Right? No matter what?”

“End of the night sleep, or sex sleep?”

“End of the night,” she said, “I want to be with you for that.”

“Yeah, absolutely. I want that too.”

“Good,” said Jennifer. She turned to look out the window, seeing the SUV behind them. In the passenger seat, Paige put on lipstick. Her breath fluttered at the sight.

Paige snapped the mirror closed and flipped the visor back up.

Bruce hit his blinker upon seeing Ryan turning right. “I think we need to assume that they’re just exploring. We shouldn’t read too much more than that into it.” He thought for a moment. “I mean it’s probably just—”

“Misplaced college experimentation?” offered Paige.

“Yeah.”

She shrugged. “I could be okay with that. Being the token wild swingers. Couldn’t you?”

He laughed. “Yeah, I think so.”

“I mean he’s really cute. And, well, Jennifer…”

“Yeah,” Bruce agreed, “She’s—”

“Something else.” Paige shuffled through her purse and pulled out a tin of ginger mints. She popped one in her mouth and offered them to Bruce.

“I’ve got the Altoids, all good.” He patted his breast pocket, where a tin of wintergreen Altoids clinked.

“Not my fault you don’t have any taste.” She sucked on the small mint, and the flavor of ginger began to fill her mouth. “Barb’ll kill us if we ruin them.”

“We’re not going to ruin them,” he said. “Honestly I think that no matter what we do in this situation, Barbara will be upset.”

“Perhaps.”

“They have to make the first move,” he pointed at the tail lights in front of them.

Paige laughed. “She made the first move. Then they doubled down by inviting us over. On a school night!”

“They made a move. But I don’t think they really have any idea what that move is. They drew out their queen very early in the game, with no plan.” He nodded toward the rear window of the Lamberts’ car, perhaps wishing it could tell him something, anything, about what they might be up for tonight.

She watched him for a while. “You’re such a dork,” she said. “But for some reason all the pretty ladies still seem to want to fuck you.”

“And one even married me!” Bruce lobbed back. “It’s dorky charm.”

“Is that what it is?”

“And, excuse me Mrs. Shepard, but I’m not the one who used the word noobs tonight.” He stuck his tongue out at her.

“Don’t stick that out unless you intend to use it.” She smiled. “You know, on me, or on the beautiful Jennifer…”

He took a deep breath. “I wonder how much further to their house.”

“I wonder how much further to their bed.”

Five minutes later, they pulled into Ryan and Jennifer’s townhouse driveway. The young couple stood next to their car, waiting.

Ryan fumbled in his pocket for his keys as Bruce and Paige climbed from their SUV. Here he was, inviting swingers into his house. They’re not vampires, he thought. Such an unexpected turn of events. Just a few days ago he’d resigned himself to never having a new and exciting sexual experience again, and now this, this… potential.

“Welcome,” he said.

“Thank you,” said Bruce.

They moved to the door. The keys all looked the same. Why hadn’t he turned on the outside light tonight? Well, he hadn’t because it had burned out, and he hadn’t replaced it because he hadn’t intended to bring back visitors, now had he? “It’ll just be a moment.”

He saw Paige slip her arm around Jennifer out of the corner of his eye. They looked into each other’s eyes. Ryan was distracted. Focus on the task at hand! He told himself. That feels like the key.

“Things are heating up here, Ry, right on your front stoop.”

“Yeah,” said Ryan, jamming another key into the lock. It turned. We have a winner! “Yes! Got it!”

He swung the door open, and held the storm door for Jennifer and Paige. After the women stepped past him into the house, his wife planted a soft kiss on Paige’s lips. Ryan stared into the foyer at them, not moving.

Bruce stepped toward the door, but stopped, leaning toward Ryan, who could smell aftershave, wine, and the leather of his coat. “You know,” he said, “this sort of decision has the potential to change your lives.”

Ryan turned toward him. Emotion welled up. To hear those words spoken outside their silly mantras from Dr. Petrillo, spoken by someone he had such respect for, someone he yearned to be like. To be as cool as Bruce, as smooth, as confident, all of that.

“Promise?” Ryan asked in a whisper.

Bruce smiled and clapped him on the back. “After you.”

Ryan walked into his house. Bruce followed.

Ryan closed the front door and looked up the flight of stairs to the main floor of their town house. On the landing at the top of the stairs, Jennifer and Paige stood, their fingers in each other’s hair, their lips locked together. Hands moving, jackets being pulled off.

A brand new door swinging open.

21

Momentous moments, especially ones with accompanying adrenaline and oxytocin, become hazy quickly. Things blend and morph, changing order and expanding and contracting along the timeline. Time can appear to stand still, and then, only an hour later, Ryan was discovering, seem be moving so quickly he couldn’t catch his breath.

Paige and Jennifer were pulling each other’s coats off, and Ryan couldn’t fathom what he ought to do. He stood at the landing as Bruce slid in and glanced around the first floor of the townhouse. Ryan saw Bruce catch the action out of the corner of his eye, but being a cool cat indeed, Bruce didn’t stare.

Unlike a certain young husband watching his wife grope another woman in their living room. A certain young husband still holding his keys. Bruce clapped him on the shoulder and took the keys from his hand. Ryan watched his guest set the jangling mess in a basket with another set of keys, the spares.

Jennifer’s long woolen coat fell to the floor in a heap. She stepped over it, backward, as the two women slammed into the wall. A gasp escaped Jennifer’s lips as she re-oriented herself. Eyes closed again, the kiss continued. She found the buttons on the front of Paige’s coat and pulled it open. In a moment, it fell atop her own.

Ryan stood alone now, Bruce had crossed the room to the light switches. He flipped them, noting which turned off what, and found a dimmer for the living room. The lights fell to half power. Bruce removed his own coat and hung it over the back of the couch.

“Hey, uh,” Ryan began. He stopped when he saw Bruce shake his head and press his finger to his lips. The man smiled, pointed to his eyes, then to the women with the same two fingers. Ryan shut his mouth. He followed the other man’s lead and removed his jacket. A flash of fabric caught his eye, and he saw Jennifer pulling Paige’s dress over her head. When her arms caught, they both laughed. Then the dress fell off and was subsequently tossed away.

He looked away instinctively, seeing a woman in her underwear in the company of her husband was certainly not…

Bruce stood behind him, putting both hands on his shoulders. “You need to internalize that everything here is cool,” he said, more than a whisper, but low enough that the women couldn’t hear him, or wouldn’t pay attention if they could. “Look at them, neither is doing anything they don’t want to.”

“It’s weird,” said Ryan. “Like I’m… peeping.”

“They also wouldn’t be doing this in the living room if they didn’t want an audience.”

That thought hadn’t occurred to Ryan. The level of exhibitionism in his life was the rote nudity of marriage. During sex. In between shower and clothes. In between day clothes and sleep clothes. He’d never detected in his wife that bit of—

Jennifer caught his eye, looking over Paige’s pale, freckled shoulder. Her eyes narrowed a bit. She nibbled on Paige’s neck, keeping eye contact with him the entire time. He saw what Bruce meant. This had performance in it. The central enjoyment was between the women, but an offshoot of what they were enjoying was the fact that these two men, their men, were there, watching, turned on.

“Huh,” Ryan said. He brought his hand up to his face, rubbing his cheek.

Jennifer couldn’t read his expression. He stood there, watching, his hand on his face, but his eyes didn’t seem to see them any longer. She shuddered as Paige ran her nails down her back, over the exposed flesh of the scoop neck, over the fabric, over the bump of her bra-strap, then down the small of her back, her hands separating at her ass, running a single circle around each cheek.

A very quiet whisper, almost not even there, Paige’s warm breath in her ear. “Can I take off your dress?”

Jennifer nodded enthusiastic assent. She stepped back, and Paige had her dress off over her head in seconds. Standing apart for the first time since this make out session had begun, they took in each other’s bodies. Jennifer extended her hand to Paige’s chest and traced four light lines across the freckled skin, then let her fingers drift, using gravity to find the tops of her lovely breasts, adorned in an emerald green bra that matched her panties.

“I.” Jennifer said.

A smile crossed Paige’s lips. “Did you have a follow up?”

She realized her eyes had stayed transfixed on Paige’s breasts and torso, tightened by all those workouts she’d mentioned at the Christmas party, surely. “I,” she said again, “I think I would like to lie down with you.”

Paige laughed a bit, a laugh that Jennifer was surprised didn’t pull her over the edge into embarrassment. But she’d said nothing embarrassing, and Paige wasn’t making fun of her. It felt nice to be confident of that fact. “I would like to lie down with you too, Jennifer. Couch? Bed?”

“Bed,” she said. Her eyes widened, the bed, the bedroom, the piles of rejected outfits, the necessary candles. “Could we just, I mean, Ryan!”

Ryan snapped to attention, and Jennifer waved him over. “What can I do?”

“That stuff we talked about. The bedroom?”

“Got it. Two minutes.” He darted up the stairs, two at a time, toward the bedrooms.

The women both smiled at his enthusiasm.

“How’re you doing, handsome?” Paige asked Bruce.

“I’m wonderful, angel.”

“Need anything?”

“For you to have an amazing night.”

“Oh,” said Paige, turning back to Jennifer, “It’s already well beyond that, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Yes.” Jennifer said, trailing the ssss out after the word.

“When we lie down, Jennifer, in your mind, what are we wearing?” Paige asked quietly.

“Nothing,” she said before she’d even fully processed the question. Her eyelids drooped a bit as she realized what she’d said, sure that that’d be too much, too much to ask, too much to hope for.

Paige lifted her arms. “Would you like to?”

Jennifer reached out hands that didn’t seem to remember how to do this. She felt awkward, fumbling at the clasps, reaching her arms around Paige, leaning in between her slender neck and her shoulder, feeling the warmth radiate off her. After a moment of fumbling, she laughed to herself. “I don’t think I—”

“Need a hand?” asked Paige. “It can be disorienting from the other side.”

Their eyes met, and Jennifer’s silently thanked Paige. For being so patient. For being open. For not laughing at, but laughing with. She hoped at least some of those thanks got across, but was distracted again as the emerald bra fell away.

“How about I just take care of these too,” Paige offered, and the matching panties slid down her legs.

Jennifer couldn’t remember the last time she’d been so close to a naked woman. Well, perhaps never this close, even. Maybe college? No. High school drama dressing room, more like. And one didn’t let one’s eyes wander too far then, because reputations were oh so very fragile. But here stood Paige Shepard, nude in stockings. Her breath caught and she felt a momentary pang of relief at seeing the patch of red hair above Paige’s vulva. Jennifer had worried so much that she’d be thought a prude if she wasn’t shaved bald like all those girls in porn.

She drew her arms in momentarily, wrapping them around her torso. Not to hide, she didn’t think, not out of embarrassment either. But perhaps a bit overwhelmed.

“Tell me what you’re feeling,” said Paige, again so quiet that Bruce wouldn’t overhear.

“I don’t know.”

“Do you want to stop?”

Jennifer’s head jerked up and she looked into Paige’s face. “No!” she shook her head, then again, to show her vehemence.

“Okay. Because if you did, I’d still like you.”

Oh, Jesus, what was this feeling, causing tears to well up? What the hell? She looked up at the ceiling, hoping the tears wouldn’t fall.

Paige stepped closer to her, wrapping her arms around Jennifer, putting her hand on the back of her head. “Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay. This can be—”

“Big,” said Jennifer, “It’s big.”

“Yeah, it is.” She leaned out of the embrace and looked into Jennifer’s eyes. “I’m going to ask you three questions, and no matter what your answer is, I’m still on board with you here, okay?”

Jennifer nodded.

“One, do you still want to lie down with…”

Jennifer vehemently nodded.

“Alright. Two, would you like to keep your underthings on for a bit?”

The embarrassment came, not for her almost-nude body, but for her answer to this question. The nod was less vehement.

“Okay, that’s fine, really. And three, would you like Ryan and Bruce there with us, or maybe just Ryan?”

Jennifer looked up the stairs, seeing Ryan standing, midway down, watching. Unsure. “Maybe,” she said, “Maybe just us for a few minutes.”

“Is everything okay?” asked Ryan.

“It’s, um, a lot.” Jennifer smiled at him. “But I’m really okay. I promise.”

“Okay, I did all of the things. Upstairs, I mean.” He made his way to the bottom of the stairs.

Jennifer pulled away from Paige’s embrace to throw her arms around her husband. He looked so concerned. She wanted to assure him that this — like that time, that first time they’d made love, that moment where she cried — that it was okay, that it wasn’t bad. That this was something amazing.

“I love you,” she said into his ear. “Everything is… there is nothing bad here.”

“You sure?” he whispered back.

“I’ve never been more sure.”

She pulled back and smiled at him, then grabbed Paige by the hand.

Ryan watched as his wife, clad only in her bra, panties, and those socks he liked so very much, led Paige, now naked except for her own thigh high stockings, up to their bedroom.

He turned back toward the living room and found Bruce standing near him.

“Did I miss something?”

“I think, Ryan, you may have missed a moment of catharsis.” Bruce put his hands in his pocket, seemingly unable to not appear cool and nonchalant. “Have a bar?”

“Yeah,” said Ryan, absently. “In the kitchen.”

“Good, they’re going to want drinks in about ten minutes.”

He put his arm around Ryan’s shoulders and led him down the hall.

22

The bedroom, lights dim, smelled of baked apples, a candle providing the scent on one of the bedside tables, a regular candle on the other. Not a single object or item of clothing in sight that would make Jennifer cringe. She smiled. He’d done such a great job in here. She exhaled the breath she’d been holding in and stepped out of the doorway, welcoming Paige.

She felt a tingle in her lower half as this sexy woman stepped past her and into the center of their bedroom. Paige looked around in a single motion, her curls bouncing, then smiled at Jennifer.

“How’re you doing?” she asked.

Jennifer thought about it for a moment, then nodded. “I’m okay. I mean, I’m awesome. I just got…”

“Overwhelmed, I know.”

“Yes.”

Paige sat on the foot of their bed and patted the duvet next to her. Jennifer sat, leaving a gap between them. She tugged on the elastic top of her thigh high striped socks before folding her hands over her knees.

“You’ve never been with another woman before,” Paige didn’t ask, just stated.

“No.” Jennifer laughed. “I mean, unless you count using a friend’s vibrator and thinking about her when I did.”

Paige returned the laugh. “Maybe you get partial credit for that.”

“I don’t want to disappoint you,” Jennifer told her, looking at her hands in her lap. “I don’t want to disappoint Ryan, or Bruce.”

“I can’t speak for Ryan,” said Paige, “but I can tell you that both Bruce and I have had a lovely evening, and even if this goes no further than it already has, I have enjoyed myself thoroughly. You’re a wonderful kisser.”

Jennifer smiled a weak smile. “Yeah.”

“Yeah. So then, I would ask you, how you think you’re going to disappoint me.”

Jennifer wasn’t certain she could explain why she felt like she’d disappoint Paige, because the explanation involved the thing she wanted to do. So the explanation itself was a request to do that thing. What if Paige said no? What if she thought it was weird or gross? Maybe Paige did it all the time, but maybe she never had. Aside from some innuendo-y talk at dinner, it hadn’t come up.

“Can I sit closer to you?” Paige asked, breaking the silence.

Jennifer nodded.

Paige slid over. “Can I touch you?”

Jennifer nodded again.

Paige put her hand on Jennifer’s thigh, her index finger lightly brushing Jennifer’s folded hands. She leaned closer. “What is it you’d like to do? We can lie down together, like you wanted downstairs. We can continue sitting here, talking. We could make out some more, because that was lovely. We could—”

“I want to go down on you.”

Paige nodded. “We could do that.”

“But I’ve never done it, so I won’t be good at it.”

“Is that what you’re worried about?” Paige planted a big kiss on Jennifer’s neck. “Honey, with that talented tongue you’ve been kissing me with, I feel like you might have the instincts.”

Not thinking about it anymore, Jennifer decided the time had come to plunge forward. She turned toward Paige and dove back into a kiss, this one with more intensity and depth. She leaned Paige back on the bed, and moved from her mouth to her neck. Kissing, sucking, ever so slightly. No hickeys, Jennifer!

The moans encouraged Jennifer as she moved past Paige’s collar bones to her breasts. She licked each nipple, watching Paige’s closed eyes and open mouth, an exhalation of breath, on the right track. Jennifer took Paige’s right nipple into her mouth and sucked at it. The breathing intensified. She could spend an evening here, with these wonderful breasts, but below was where she wanted to be, where she may have always wanted to be. The slide-show in her mind spooled up that fantasy almost forgotten, the one where Tricia offered to show her how to use the Pocket Rocket, the one where then she helped Jennifer bury her face in a patch of deep brown curly hair.

But why think of that now?

Jennifer recognized the incongruity of fantasizing about a high school friend when there was a real live woman right here with her. The screen in her mind rolled up as she slid her tongue between Paige’s breasts, trailing down to her stomach, dipping momentarily into her belly button.

Paige giggled.

Jennifer went to her knees at the foot of the bed, between Paige’s legs. She stared forward, for a moment, this new angle. Paige’s vulva glistened, and seemed to redden before her very eyes. She noticed that, like her own, Paige’s inner labia poked out on the left side, like a tongue stuck out playfully. At that moment she knew one thing above others. She wanted to suck on that lip.

She dove in.

Paige’s moan drifted through the ceiling, down to Ryan and Bruce next to the bar in the kitchen. They stopped talking and looked up at the ceiling. “There we go,” said Bruce. “I think the initial jitters may have ebbed.”

Ryan listened as more moans and cries came. After a moment, he resumed shaking the cocktail shaker. On the bar in front of him sat four oversized martini glasses, a can of pineapple juice, a bottle of cake vodka, and grenadine. His mind raced. He felt relieved that Jennifer had gotten over her momentary… whatever that had been, and now seemed to be doing something to Paige upstairs. His imagination provided flashes of entwined bodies, fingers, tongues, uncertain who might be doing what, but very hard at the thought of it being done.

“It’s distracting, isn’t it?” asked Bruce.

“Yeah,” said Ryan, pouring the pineapple juice and vodka out of his shaker into two of the glasses. He poured a touch of grenadine in each. “Do you think they’ll want these?”

“Oh, yes,” said Bruce. He leaned on the stand-up bar. “How’re you doing with all of this? The dinner, the date,” he smiled and winked, “the naked stuff in your living room.”

“It’s kinda crazy.”

“It’s kinda crazy, indeed.” Bruce smiled again. “Why don’t you fix up two more, because I think I’m going to have this one.”

Ryan nodded and grabbed another handful of ice from the bucket. “Can I ask you something?”

“You can ask me anything, Ryan.”

“Do you ever get nervous on a date?”

“You mean a date that may end in playing?”

“Yeah.”

“Sure,” said Bruce. “I think everybody does.”

“You don’t strike me as a guy who worries much about that.”

“About what?”

Ryan poured in the pineapple juice and vodka. “About whether or not a woman likes you.”

“Do you worry that Paige doesn’t like you?”

He frowned and began to shake the shaker. “No, not like me. More…”

“Oh,” said Bruce, with a nod. “You want to know if I get nervous about whether or not the missus of the other couple wants to fuck me.”

There went Bruce, cutting through the bullshit. Ryan nodded, quickly. “Yes, that.”

“Of course,” said Bruce. “Again, I think everybody does.”

“But you’re so…” Ryan trailed off, unsure what he wanted to say. Maybe confident. Maybe sexy, but that’d be weird, wouldn’t it, telling another man he was sexy?

“My brio, Ryan, my bluster, my braggadocio sometimes, it’s a show. A demonstration of confidence.”

“I’m not that confident.”

“Neither am I.” Bruce smiled and toasted with his martini glass. “Don’t tell anyone, okay?”

Ryan laughed and squinted his eyes. “So you’re saying…”

“Act confident and one will appear to be confident.”

“It can’t be that simple.” Ryan poured the two remaining pineapple upside-down martinis.

“Why can’t it?”

He shook the shaker over the last glass, watching a few more drops of juice spill out. “It just can’t.”

“So,” said Bruce, lifting another martini off the bar and poking it in Ryan’s direction, “If I were a betting man, I’d make the wager that the reason you ask is because you don’t feel confident, and you don’t feel that my lovely wife is interested in you.”

Ryan nodded and took the glass.

Bruce stuck his forward to clink with Ryan, who slowly brought his own up. “Well, she is.”

“I guess I get hung up on if she’ll want to,” he sipped his drink to buy some time, “want to—”

“Fuck you?” Bruce asked, sipping his own. “She does.”

“Are you just assuming?”

“I’m assuming. But mostly based on her telling me in the car.” A grin spread across his face. “She’s hot for your bod, Ryan Lambert.”

Another moan from on high.

Bruce lifted a second glass off the bar, holding the stem between his index finger and thumb. “Why don’t we go see what’s got someone up there all hot and bothered.” He nodded toward the last martini.

Ryan picked it up and followed him from the room.

23

“You’re a quick study,” Paige said, as another gasp escaped her lips. She grabbed at Jennifer’s head, moving between her legs with such enthusiasm that Paige’s fingers could barely get purchase. She caught a clump of hair. Jennifer said something like “unf” and increased her vigor.

Her enthusiasm reminded Paige of the day the floodgates had broken for her, the day she finally felt she could like girls. On the 8th floor of her dorm in Normal, Illinois, after a tearful admission of her feelings and inclinations toward Trina, her floor RA. Trina had responded with a kiss, and as Roger Waters might say, the tigers broke free.

Jennifer’s aim and focus may have been erratic and sloppy, but that hardly mattered when she approached her task with such enthusiasm. There were moments here and there when Paige wished that she would just focus on a spot and stick with it a while, but to complain that this lovely woman was eating too much of her pussy? Nah.

She had not expected this, no siree. Maybe a fleeting kiss that lingered, perhaps a drunken game of truth-or-dare that would get the tits out, but not this. Her left hand gripped the top sheet of the bed. She flung her head back to emit the loudest moan of the evening thus far as the orgasm began anew, building and building and building. Paige’s head fell between the two stacks of pillows, and the decorative ones tumbled down atop her as the orgasm poured over her.

Holy fuck! And Jennifer was just improvising!

“Okay,” panted Paige.

Jennifer did not abate.

Paige realized that was because she’d clamped her thighs tight around the poor girl’s head, covering her ears. She rectified that, though another shudder made her instinctively ball up and giggle. She tapped the top of Jennifer’s head as she tried to roll with her.

Dedicated, too!

“Okay, sweetie, honey, darling.”

Jennifer paused, eyes up to Paige’s face, nose obscured by fiery pubic hair, tongue still planted inside.

“I need a moment,” said Paige.

She lifted her face away from Paige’s vulva. “No good?”

“Are you kidding?”

Those beautiful wide hazel eyes blinked, and Paige knew what she needed to hear. “You did amazing. Now come here.” She tapped the bed next to her. “Lie down.”

“I can do more,” offered Jennifer, a grin breaking out. “I liked it.”

“Well, I’m glad for that,” said Paige, “And while there will be many more opportunities for you to do just that in the future, at the moment I may be orgasmed out.”

That had the desired effect, and Jennifer hopped up on the bed next to her, flopping down hard, hurling the pillows away. Her face beamed with satisfaction in her work. Paige even saw her lick her lips.

“I wager that you’re now more comfortable.”

Jennifer nodded.

Paige ran her fingers around Jennifer’s stomach, and just under the waistband of her panties.

Jennifer looked down.

“Think I could have a turn?”

Her nod was emphatic.

Paige lifted the band away from her stomach and planted a kiss just over her trimmed patch of dark hair. She slid the panties down and inhaled Jennifer’s scent, staying at this angle, kissing her thighs, the inner tendons, then along her vulva.

Jennifer’s head flung back almost immediately as a full body tremor pulsed through her.

Paige felt a moment of wistful nostalgia for Emily. Emily had been a gateway for her and Bruce. Young, but experienced and experimental, polyamorous, not a swinger. Dating two men and a woman. Wanting to be in their lives. Giving of herself to them, so fully, so deeply. They gave all they could back as well, but priorities changed, as they often did, all around, and while the three of them never “broke up” by any means, there was a time where she’d been a daily phone call, and then a time where she wasn’t any longer.

Paige wasn’t foolish enough, or getting so far ahead of herself, to assume that void could be filled with Jennifer. In fact, she’d be quite surprised if anyone came close again. There’d been something about Emily that she’d probably never recapture. In the intervening years, on the back half of the second decade now, she’d popped up very occasionally and then vanished again like smoke. For now, Paige could revel in the similarities that Jennifer offered, the little twinge of melancholy nostalgia.

And Jennifer could revel in the orgasm building thanks to Paige and her tiny bit of private reverie.

Fingers ran down the nape of Paige’s neck. She felt situational awareness that the room now held two more people. She lifted her right hand off Jennifer’s thigh and reached up to grab Bruce’s hand, holding it against the back of her head, sharing that moment. Ryan slid onto the bed next to his wife, who noticed him moments later as her eyes fluttered open. She smiled and mouthed, “Hi.”

Paige wondered if Jennifer could feel her smiling.

Ryan leaned down to kiss her, and they embraced, the kisses deep.

“How’s everything going in here,” asked Bruce, his voice low. Paige didn’t answer, mouth occupied.

After a moment, Jennifer did. “Things are wonderful in here.” She stretched, bringing her shoulders up next to her cheeks, then reached down to twist one of Paige’s curls around her index finger.

“That’s lovely to hear.” He sat on the bed next to Jennifer and held one of the martinis out. “We thought perhaps the two of you could use drinks.”

“We could use some other things, too,” suggested Paige, winking at Ryan.

Jennifer nodded, snatching the martini out of Bruce’s hand and taking a long swig.

“Well,” said Bruce, “on that subject. Have you two given any thoughts to boundaries for tonight?”

“Condoms,” said Ryan, “That’s a… thing.”

“Absolutely,” returned Bruce. “We don’t play with people who don’t use condoms with others. And for your comfort, both Paige and I have been tested in the last six months, Paige just last month, negative on everything including herpes one and two.”

Ryan and Jennifer looked at each other. “We didn’t,” she began, “I mean…”

“You’ve told us your sexual history,” said Paige. “We’re not worried.”

Jennifer laughed. “Whew!” She mimed writing on a small notebook, “To do list.”

“So, I guess the last real boundary question is… want to stay with our own partners tonight? Or—”

“Or,” said Jennifer.

Ryan nodded emphatically.

Bruce laughed. “Alright then. Ryan.”

“Yes?”

“I feel overdressed, you?”

Ryan took a moment, but got it. “Oh, yes!”

“Let’s rectify that.” Button by button, Bruce popped his shirt open.

Unbuttoning his own shirt, Ryan looked at the room and took a deep breath. He hadn’t ever been naked with more than one other person except in a locker room, and never naked with a girl other than Jennifer. Even those hand jobs, way back when, had been delivered to a pantsed Ryan Lambert. The pants may have been around his ankles, or partially tugged down, but they hadn’t ever come off.

Another set of hands appeared, taking over the unbuttoning for him. Paige planted a kiss at the corner of his mouth as she pulled the shirt off. He noticed Jennifer watching them, Bruce sitting behind her, chest just as hairy as Ryan had thought it would be, calling to mind Burt Reynolds on a bearskin rug in Cosmopolitan Magazine. Bruce’s hands ran along Jennifer’s arm and back, but her focus didn’t leave Ryan and Paige.

Ryan’s breath caught when Paige undid his belt, sliding it slowly out from the belt loops, looking up at him, into his eyes, as she did it. She bit her lip and brought her hands back up, undoing the button and slowly sliding down the zipper fly. He finally let out his breath when Paige reached around and lifted the slacks away from his body, sliding them down. Before she took them off, she hooked both of her fingers around his socks, and placed two fingers on his chest, pushing him back just enough that he sat on the edge of the bed. His pants and socks vanished behind Paige.

She lifted his dark gray undershirt over his head, and moving back down, ran her nose along his sternum. He felt her hot breath move over his chest and stomach, down to his boxer briefs, bulging with enthusiasm. She exhaled over him, tucking her fingers along the waistband of his underwear, he felt her breath on his cock, which twinged in delight. She looked up at him, tugging lightly at the waistband and held her position. She gave a small nod, he nodded back.

She took down his underwear.

Ryan sat nude before her, curved erection pointing out and up. He took a deep breath through his nose and exhaled slowly. He felt Jennifer move in behind him, her breasts pressed against his back, her fingers trailing through his comparatively meager chest hair.

“I love you,” she whispered in his ear, breathy, deep. He turned and kissed her, saying it back in confirmation.

“You good?” he asked, almost inaudible.

“I’m perfect,” she said.

“Yes, you are,” he grinned.

She kissed him once again, then drifted away, fingers trailing as she did, turning her body toward Bruce.

Ryan watched after her for a moment, then was called back to Paige as she very gently ran her nails along the underside of his penis. He smiled down at her and she wrinkled her nose.

“Good?” she mouthed.

He nodded.

She opened her mouth and swallowed him. He tipped his head back and allowed himself to feel every tiny sensation, the warmth and wetness of her tongue, her suction, so different than Jennifer’s. Couldn’t even remotely be quantified as better or worse, just different. His eyes rolled in his head and he caught a glimpse of the back of Jennifer’s head in front of a nude Bruce. He had the most fleeting thought, as he saw Bruce’s penis, the first erect penis he’d ever seen in person aside from his own, about how surprised he was that Bruce’s was smaller than his.

His mind began to spiral on that subject, that he was objectifying and—

Paige’s hand slid around his testicles and squeezed, not tight enough to hurt, but certainly an attention getter. When his eyes met hers again, she nodded as best she could without changing up her technique.

When the four of them moved closer to each other on the bed, Ryan and Jennifer lay side by side. They reached out to each other and held hands. Jennifer watched, fascinated, as Paige slid the condom onto him and then climbed on top. She saw something she’d never quite seen before, Ryan’s cock disappearing inside someone. Her vulva twinged.

She looked back to Bruce kneeling between her legs. He slid toward her, leaning down to kiss her neck, whispering to her, “What do you want?”

“I want you to fuck me,” said Jennifer, surprising herself with the directness of the request.

“Your wish,” said Bruce, unrolling his own condom and reaching between them. She felt him slide inside and shuddered with the tendrils of an orgasm that had stretched back to Paige’s tongue, drawn forward and revived by the current situation. A situation that she almost felt she could observe from outside, from a chair by the door to the room.

Looking in at this mass of bodies, four different yet similar, writhing and touching, moaning and breathing. She felt the rhythm of the scene. She watched Bruce and Paige share a deep and soulful kiss next to each other. Hands crossed over. Bruce squeezed Ryan’s arm. Paige leaned over and kissed Jennifer. The rise and fall, the ebb and flow, positions changing and evolving until it seemed that there was just one body, one entity on the bed.

She felt every orgasm as it happened, regardless of to whom it belonged. Because tonight, they belonged to the four of them. A living, breathing collective.

Tonight they all held hands and jumped.

24

The window next to Jennifer’s side of the bed rattled. She rolled on her side, turning away from Paige, to look. Outside, in the orange glow of a street lamp, she saw swirls of snow spiraling down. In the street it flew. She felt Paige drop a kiss on her shoulder and put her head next to Jennifer’s.

“Well, look, maybe we’ll be snowed in,” said Paige.

“That’d be lovely. The king size bed finally comes in handy!” As much as Jennifer wanted that to be the outcome, she knew the evening would be coming to an end before long. Downstairs, Ryan and Bruce were working on starting a fire in the fireplace, and had promised hot chocolate when they left the bedroom. She and Paige had opted to stay snuggled under the covers.

She kissed Paige, then turned back toward the window, pulling Paige’s arms around her. They cuddled together, spooning, breathing together. “So,” Jennifer asked, “is this, like, every weekend for you?”

“Oh, we’ve got another date tonight,” said Paige.

Jennifer’s heart sank, a puzzling feeling, like the drop of a roller coaster.

Perhaps feeling Jennifer’s body tense, Paige quickly recanted. “I’m kidding! No, this isn’t every weekend. When we were new, it happened a lot. Back then we had dates scheduled once or twice every weekend and a couple times per week. Youthful exuberance and excitement.”

“But now?”

Paige kissed Jennifer’s ear lobe. “Well, now we sort of take things as they come. Sometimes we meet new friends. Mostly we see old friends.”

“That sounds nice.”

“It is,” said Paige. “One should never underestimate the comfort that can accompany routine. It’s only when you no longer occasionally break out of the routine that you… I dunno… die a little inside?”

“I know what you mean.” Jennifer tried not to betray any melancholy in her voice, but it was there regardless.

“But now doesn’t feel that way, does it?” Paige squeezed Jennifer and nestled her head on her shoulder.

“No,” said Jennifer, “no, it doesn’t.”

“What does it feel like?”

“I. I mean.” So many things to say, yet none of them felt remotely adequate to Jennifer. “How does one describe a… change?”

“A tectonic shift?”

“Bigger,” said Jennifer. “I feel like. Man, I can’t form a sentence to save my life here, can I?”

“Sometimes that happens after getting fucked into oblivion.”

“Oblivion, indeed.” Jennifer pulled Paige’s hand to her face and kissed her fingers. “When everything you think you knew changes over a weekend… even long held beliefs about yourself, your relationship, your sexuality…”

“You fucked a girl and you liked it,” Paige giggled into Jennifer’s shoulder.

She was surprised at how apt such a glib sentence could be, yet how it couldn’t even begin to capture the true extent of everything. “Things are different. I don’t just feel different. I think I am different.”

“Well,” said Paige, “I think what you’re experiencing here is a paradigm shift.”

“Don’t know that one…”

“A paradigm shift,” said Bruce, as Ryan threw another log onto the low beginnings of the fire. “It’s what Paige called the moment we first started these shenanigans. It’s what scientists called it when we went from the geocentric model of the solar system to heliocentric.”

Ryan blinked at him over his shoulder. “Do you get smarter as the hour gets later and you have more to drink? ’Cuz I experience the opposite, unfortunately.”

“Fair enough,” said Bruce, with a laugh. “Forever we thought we were the center of the universe, right? But then Copernicus comes along and says ‘Whoa, everybody!’”

“He said, ‘Whoa?’”

“I firmly believe he did.”

“Fair enough.”

“’Whoa, everybody, check it out! We aren’t the center, that is!’ and he stuck his finger out at Sol, the sun.”

Ryan flopped onto the couch next to the naked man pontificating about changing perceptions of the world. “I think you may be oversimplifying there.”

“That shift, that fundamental change in thinking, that’s a paradigm shift. That’s what it felt like for us, when we opened up.” He handed Ryan back his drink from the end table. “And from what you were saying there, it sounds like there might be some of that for you, too.”

“A paradigm shift,” repeated Ryan.

“It changes not just what and how you think, but who you are. Because there are these beliefs we have about how the world works and doesn’t. How monogamy works or doesn’t. How relationships…”

“We had some of those beliefs on Friday morning.”

Bruce’s grin in the flicker of the fire could’ve been intimidating, ominous, but all Ryan felt toward it was affection.

“Oh, c’mon,” said Bruce, waving a big hand in his direction. “Look, I just want you to know it’s okay, you know, to talk to me. ’Cuz you seem like the kind of guy who likes a good postmortem analysis. Like to talk. You know, about stuff. After you do it.”

Ryan nodded. Talk? Talk didn’t seem like a big enough word. Analyze, do that postmortem, perhaps. Obsess. He tried to let it just be a thing, a thing they’d done, a think they could maybe do again. But there came the fear, of course, the fear that pulling the thread could cause the entire tapestry to unravel. Any of the little possible threads. Since swinging was such an abstract, new concept, Bruce’s paradigm shift, how on earth could he tell the threads that could handle being tugged from those that couldn’t?

“Perhaps after you internally analyze, too,” said Bruce. “How about Paige?”

He wasn’t sure what about her. “Huh?”

“You like her.”

It wasn’t a question. Ryan didn’t know how to respond exactly. He wondered if now he was hanging from the thread, holding on tight, dangling over a pit. The fire flickered, and he said nothing.

“You don’t have to worry about telling me you like her,” said Bruce. “I mean, the way you get all bashful around her says that plenty. We don’t get embarrassed around people we don’t like, because who gives a fuck?”

Ryan couldn’t argue with that logic, but was still having trouble figuring out where this line of thought was going.

“So you can say, ‘I like her,’ or, ‘I loved fucking her.’”

The heat, the taste in his mouth. Was he about to get chastised? Had Bruce brought him down here because he’d been unhappy about something he’d seen? Maybe when Paige had Ryan spank her. Oh fuck, thought Ryan.

“Okay, Ryan,” said Bruce, pointing to his eyes, “Right here. Sorry I’m dragging this on. While I don’t get smarter when drinking or tired, I suppose I greatly increase my dramatic flair. What I’m trying to say is that I want to hear that stuff, if you’re willing to share. I like hearing that Paige is making other men happy, or horny, or content, or I suppose anxiety-ridden like you. I’m not jealous.”

Ryan let out the breath he’d been holding onto.

“The way I see it, if someone thinks that Paige is amazing, I mean, first of all, they’re just stating the truth, ’cuz she is. But more important, I know that it makes her feel good, and I’ll tell you, I live for that.” Bruce finished his drink and pointed the empty glass toward Ryan. “How about you, did you feel jealous? Seeing Jennifer with Paige? With me?”

Parsing the last handful of hours, Ryan realized that aside from a moment here and there, he hadn’t thought about being jealous. “When I watched you put the condom on,” he told Bruce, “I sort of braced myself for it, but… I think I thought more about the fact that I wasn’t jealous than I thought about being jealous.”

“A profound thought with fine execution, my friend. Jealousy can be the most difficult hump in this.”

“For me,” Paige told Jennifer, “it’s always about feeling left out. When I do feel jealous, which is pretty rare these days, it’s usually because I wish I was participating, but for whatever reason I didn’t bring myself into a situation. Bruce is the go-getter. He’s always talking to people. I tend to hang back a bit.”

“I don’t get that from you at all,” said Jennifer.

The two women lay on their sides, facing each other, running fingers lightly through each other’s hair and around their arms and legs.

“I put up a great game,” said Paige with a smile.

“Is it weird that I wasn’t jealous?” asked Jennifer, hoping that Paige would assuage the fear. “I mean, since it was our first time?”

“I don’t think it’s weird,” Paige responded, letting her palm rest on Jennifer’s cheek. “So many people let jealousy rule their lives. Some of us are lucky and we’ve managed to tune out the frequency almost entirely. I thought it was so sexy watching Bruce fuck you. Not just because I knew he enjoyed himself. But I knew he’d be taking care of you, too.”

“He did,” said Jennifer with a smile, reflecting on how, after a long and slow session, Bruce had crouched next to the bed and pulled her legs forward, to finish her off with his tongue several more times.

They snuggled for a while longer before joining the men downstairs. The foursome sat on opposite couches, Bruce and Paige on one, Ryan and Jennifer on the other. Holding their spouses, listening to the crackling fire and the sound of the wind outside, trying to bluster up a ferocious winter storm.

Bruce held up his mug to the room. “To Jennifer and Ryan,” he said.

Jennifer held up her own. “To Bruce and Paige.”

“New friends,” added Paige.

“To new friends,” Ryan agreed.

The mugs came together in the center, over the coffee table.

Later, after a sheepish acknowledgment of the clock drifting past four, they began the dances of coats being retrieved from floors and chairs, making sure everybody had everything.

“You’re not going to vanish now, are you, Lamberts?” asked Bruce as he pulled on his gloves.

“No,” said Ryan. “Hell, no.” He looked at Jennifer, who emphatically shook her head.

“Good,” said Bruce. “’Cuz you’re both sorta cool, and the two of us need all the cool points we can get.”

Just blowing smoke, Ryan thought. One of the defining characteristics of truly charismatic people was their ability to make those around them feel good about themselves, and Bruce and Paige were exceptional at it.

“Tomorrow let’s start the calendar dance,” said Paige.

Jennifer and Ryan looked at each other.

“To plan another date night?”

“Yes!” said Jennifer.

Very long hugs and kisses, then the Shepards disappeared into a world with a soft new coat of white on it.

Ryan and Jennifer watched out the window as they drove up the street. “Today is the day we change our lives,” said Ryan.

“Yesterday,” corrected Jennifer. “I think we just changed everything.”

They smiled at each other and kissed, descending into giggles as they sat on the stairs.

25

The calendar on Jennifer’s phone surprised her. She looked at it every day, sometimes multiple times per day, but somehow she’d missed the trend. Today’s date, February 3, had an all-day event marked with ♥, her notation to indicate that she and Ryan had sex that day, the symbol she’d used ever since she first started noting such things. Before the phone, it had been a small heart in red ink on the bottom right corner of the calendar page in her day planner.

Maybe it was because she rarely switched to month view, or even week view for that matter, but the preponderance of all-day events marked with heart emoticons stunned her. A field of bright red events filling up the calendar, sliding back in time through January, through to the end of December, to Saturday the nineteenth, the day after the party at the Watkins’, they day they first used the word, had the talk.

The day their lives changed.

“Hey, babe?” she called to Ryan in the bathroom, brushing his teeth.

He walked out, electric toothbrush buzzing away in his mouth, foamy toothpaste on his lips. He raised his eyebrows to ask, “What?”

“Do you realize that we’ve made love more since we met Bruce and Paige than the whole year before that?” She held up the phone to him, the spotted month overview for January visible, she swiped back to December, showing the last two weeks also vividly crimson.

Ryan’s eyes narrowed. The toothbrush stopped buzzing. “That can’t be right,” he said, his mouth full of toothpaste foam.

“Like bunnies. Fifty-one times over forty-seven days.” She grinned.

“Shit.” Ryan paused for a moment, nodding, then stuck the toothbrush back into his mouth and finished.

Jennifer walked to their bathroom doorway and looked at his reflection in the mirror. “It’s a major success.”

Ryan nodded. “Mrghr.”

“And that’s not even counting the sex we’ve had with them!” Jennifer giggled at that. She hadn’t tracked that number on the calendar, but she could remember all six of their dates as a foursome, and the one-on-one she’d had with Paige. “I’m not sure how to count some of that activity.” She smiled.

Ryan spit, then looked back at her in the mirror. “Should we call and ask Dr. Petrillo where his chapter about swinging is in the book?”

“Perhaps we should advise him to update!” She threw her arms around Ryan after he wiped his face, tasting the wintergreen mouthwash when she kissed him. Looking into her husband’s eyes, she found it hard to believe that so recently the situation had felt… dire, hopeless.

By luck, by chance, by pure happenstance, they’d met ambassadors, though Bruce always cringed when she suggested that’s what they were. “You showed us something new,” she’d told him.

“Sure,” Bruce had replied, standing before the Lambert kitchen stove. He cut a potato into cubes and slid it into a bubbling pot. He was mum about what his dish would become. “But I don’t like the idea that we’re out there evangelizing. I think this is a thing that comes to people in its time, if they can handle it.”

“Fate?” asked Ryan, returning from a trip with Paige to get wine.

“Perhaps a bit,” said Bruce.

“He likes to get all philosophical,” said Paige, giving her husband a kiss on the cheek. She leaned forward over the bubbling pot and took a deep breath. “Smells wonderful, handsome.”

“I do like to get philosophical!” Bruce said, sounding a bit defensive to Jennifer. “Your situation,” he gestured toward Jennifer and Ryan with his knife. “You were in the right place, the right time, we met you at that crossroads. The nexus point in your lives. Earlier and you may not have been ready, later and—”

“It might have been too late,” suggested Ryan.

“Yes.”

Jennifer hadn’t enjoyed thinking about “too late,” but as the first month had slid by, she’d recognized the truth in it. She and Ryan had teetered on the edge in December. For six months, perhaps more, the tension had been building, rubbing the relationship raw. Paige and Bruce were a salve.

The Monday morning after their first date with Bruce and Paige, she and Ryan had stayed in bed long past their alarms. They took turns calling into their offices with non-specific flu-like symptoms. Once that was done, they were free.

Ryan had celebrated his freedom by asking, “Would you sit on my face?”

She’d obliged.

Tonight, Ryan came out of the bathroom and shut off the lights. He dropped his pajama pants and slid into the bed. Jennifer reached out under the covers to run her fingers along his body. “You’re cold,” she said with a giggle.

“It’s cold out there!” He slid his hands between her thighs. “Good thing you’re so damned warm!”

Jennifer squealed and rolled away from him.

“Fifty-one times.” Ryan said, pulling the extra blanket up over them. She felt his cock press against her butt.

“Why did we sleep in clothes for so long?” she asked.

“Why did we ignore our desires for so long?” he countered.

She reached back and grabbed his cock, not to play with it or suck on it, just to hold it. Because they touched each other now. She’d noticed that within the week leading up to Christmas. Every time one of them passed the other, there’d be a touch, or pat, or rub. Often on the ass. They touched each other enough that they noticed a few raised eyebrows at the Watkins’ brunch on the twenty-sixth. Notably Patti’s eyebrows. Nothing had been said, of course, because the only thing less common in polite company than showing physical affection was actually talking about said affection.

“Did you ever, ever, consider that this might even be a possibility?” Jennifer asked, sliding back closer to him.

“Oh, sure,” he replied. “Figured I’d start keeping my shirt unbuttoned to the navel, get a gold medallion the size of a dinner plate.”

She giggled. “You’d need some facial hair.”

“Of course, a nice long mustache, the kind that turns down at the sides and then just keeps going all the way down the chin.”

“Aha,” she replied, imagining him with a dark brown Hulk Hoganesque mustache. “That’d look terrible on you. I don’t think I’d sleep with you.”

“You’d be helpless to resist my charms,” he reached out and pulled her forward with both arms, nuzzling against her neck.

“Helpless,” she agreed. “You could always wear one like Bruce does.”

Ryan laughed. “I’d be a pale imitation. His Selleckian mustache puts others to shame. I think mine would fall right off upon coming face to face with his.”

“Oh, you think so, do you?”

“Yeah, it’s like a graven image!”

She marveled at her husband. She’d always found him funny, and knew he could throw barbs with Sam and Noah, but to be confident enough to verbally spar with Bruce, and with her, that was something. She felt a momentary twinge of sadness. Had she and Ryan not really been friends? All this time, their relationship had been less playful and more, well, respectful perhaps. But now, to be treated the way he treated his friends.

Another fascinating shift.

“Did you see the email they sent?” she asked Ryan.

“The invite, I assume.”

“Yeah.” They’d gotten an email earlier in the day from Bruce, letting them know he’d put them on the invite list for a party mid-March. “What do you think?”

“Well, if we’ve only been playing with the two of them, can we really consider ourselves swingers?” He smiled. “It’s like we’re impostors!”

“Be serious,” she said. The idea of a swing party was exciting, to be sure, but a tremendous amount of uncertainty surrounded it.

“Sorry,” he said. “I think I’d be okay with it. I’m not in a hurry or anything.”

“They’ll probably be with other people there.” She put it out there. Every time Paige mentioned a girlfriend, or a couple, as infrequently as it happened, Jennifer felt a twinge she didn’t really like.

“Sure. We’re not exclusive or anything,” Ryan said. “Does that idea bother you?”

“I know it shouldn’t,” said Jennifer, “I know that. But yeah, sometimes when I think of them with other people, I get a little…”

“Jealous?”

“Shut up!” she swatted at his shoulder.

“I’m not saying it like a bad thing!” He held his hands up, rolling on his back in a submissive I give up pose. “But that’s what it is, isn’t it?”

Jennifer frowned, regretting the swat. He was right, but it made her grumpy. She hadn’t been jealous any of the times she’d watched Ryan and Paige together, so what right did she have to be jealous that their awesome friends the Shepards were playing with other people? “Yeah,” she admitted, “maybe a little.”

“Tangential change of subject,” suggested Ryan, “have you given any thought to us being with other people?”

“Beyond Bruce and Paige.”

“Yeah.”

She had, a few times, in fact. The most notable time was the night they’d gone to a swing club with Bruce and Paige. The club was a large old house, way out in the deep suburbs so far from the city of Chicago that they may well be in their own orbit. Very mid-nineties decorations and mostly an older crowd.

The other guests hadn’t much mattered, they’d come as a foursome with intent to sit in the hot tub in the snow, swim in the indoor pool, and utilize the sex swing on the third floor. The evening had been a lovely one for all, and included hot tub soaking both before and after some very hot sex.

The post coital soak found the club mostly empty, as the hour had grown late, and the foursome had talked through the steam radiating from the glowing blue hot tub water.

“Mind if we join you?” a woman had asked, from the darkness.

“Please do!” said Bruce. “The more the merrier!”

A couple had climbed into the hot tub, which was starting to feel full for the first time. The woman, perhaps forty, sat next to Jennifer, apologizing when she put her hand down on Jennifer’s knee.

Jennifer had observed as this new couple introduced themselves. Rob and Sarah didn’t look like they were old pros at this, and their introductions were filled with awkward laughter and stumbling. But Jennifer didn’t care. She’d just smiled and stared, taking them in. When she and Ryan had returned home that night and climbed into bed, she rode him for a while, eyes closed, picturing Rob with his short blond hair and smooth chest below her. She’d imagined Sarah’s arms around her from behind, small nipples running light lines around her back, kissing her neck. In her fantasy, she’d reached back to slide her fingers inside that beautiful bald mound.

“Sometimes I think it might be fun,” Jennifer told Ryan, “Meeting other people, fucking other people.” The other people in her mind beyond Rob and Sarah were mostly vague shapes and scenarios. She laughed. “Hard to have an orgy with only four, right?”

“It is.” Ryan took her hand and kissed it. “I called to ask him about it. He said this party is a pretty good environment for newbies. Safe. I told him we’d think about it.”

“Safe for newbies,” she repeated. “I don’t know, though, a party could be a lot of pressure. Especially if a lot of their friends are there.”

“We don’t have to decide tonight.” Ryan smiled at her. “Want to see what they’re doing tomorrow?”

“Dinner at the Watkins’.”

“Damned vanillas.”

“We have to see regular folk occasionally, hon,” said Jennifer with a laugh.

“Yeah, I suppose,” said Ryan. “But put another way, do we?”

“Yes.” Jennifer grabbed her phone off the night table. She took one last glimpse at their seven weeks of high sexual frequency and smiled again.

Paige had compared it to a fuse being lit, on their only date without the boys. “And now energy you’re drawing from elsewhere is manifesting in your relationship.”

“It’s made a difference,” said Jennifer.

“That’s great! That manifestation is one of the best parts of being open. We can draw energy from those around us, and then funnel it directly into making our lives extra awesome.”

“You’re extra awesome,” Jennifer told her, then immediately felt bashful about it.

Paige had winked, stood, and planted a kiss on Jennifer’s lips across the table. Holding it just long enough for the teenager behind the counter to notice and do a miniature double-take. “Thank you, darling.”

They’d finished their bowl of salted caramel brownie ice cream in the mall before going home to try out the new double-ended dildo Paige had flashed from her trunk when they met for dinner.

Back in bed with her husband, Jennifer drifted off to sleep, her dreams filled with warm combinations of bodies and positions, sexual partners and playmates cycling through. Ryan, Paige, Bruce, Rob and Sarah, even briefly Ice Cream Clerk Boy, who in her dream world was blessed with a cock that reached just shy of eleven inches. She knew because she helped Paige measure.

The two of them were about to decide who got first mount by flipping an over-sized novelty coin that Jennifer was sure contained chocolate, when the alarm notified her that another day had arrived.

26

“Glendronach.” Noah poured Ryan a tiny amount of the Scotch, as though rationing it. “Fifteen-year revival.”

“I don’t know what that means,” said Ryan.

“It means it’ll taste like it’s been buried for fifteen years,” said Sam.

Noah waved his hand at Sam and set the glass in front of Ryan. “Neat, of course.”

“I don’t know why you insist on—”

“Just try it,” said Noah.

Ryan stared at the glass. He held it up in front of him, the caramel-colored liquid in the bottom catching the light. He truly didn’t understand why Noah insisted on sharing his expensive Scotches with him and Sam. Neither of them particularly liked Scotch, and the price of the bottle seemed inversely proportionate to the amount they enjoyed it. But if Noah continued handing him expensive tastes of alcohol, he’d keep trying them.

He smelled it. “It’s got that good… campfire scent.”

“Oh, c’mon,” griped Noah.

Ryan tasted and scowled. “Sam, you’re right.”

“Like it’s been buried,” said Sam.

“No,” said Ryan, “I think it actually just tastes like the dirt it was buried in.”

“No taste, the both of you.” Noah snatched the glass back off the bar and upended it into his own. “Shall I make you an appletini?”

Sam perked up. “Actually, I’d have—”

“I don’t have Apple Pucker,” Noah groused.

“Nothing like the companionship of friends,” said Ryan, a smile on his lips.

“I’m surprised we’re seeing you at all,” returned Noah. “It’s been damned difficult to reach you lately.”

“We missed you,” said Sam. He patted Ryan’s back.

For a moment, Ryan felt ashamed. He had abandoned these two, hadn’t he? Up until the end of December he’d spent every other Friday night here at Noah’s, playing pool, or poker, or just watching whatever new 4K video content Noah had managed to acquire in his vain quest to convince them that UltraHD represented the future, Ryan insisting he didn’t need to see Kevin Spacey in such high resolution. Over the several weeks since that singular day in December, though, he’d been absent.

“Thanks, Sam,” said Ryan. “Sorry about that. We’ve been pretty busy. The good news is, we’re actually connecting now.”

“You and Jennifer,” said Noah, flat.

“Yeah.”

“That’s good, man,” said Sam, “I know it was touch and go there for a while. I’m happy that things—”

“Still have time for your other friends?” asked Noah, an odd edge to his voice.

“—have leveled out a bit,” finished Sam, throwing a grumpy look Noah’s way.

“Dinner’s ready, boys!” came Barbara’s voice from the intercom behind the bar. Noah didn’t turn to look at it, holding his steady look at Ryan.

“Dinner’s ready,” repeated Ryan, uncertain what the edge meant. Was he still grumpy about them calling for Bruce and Paige’s number? Wouldn’t that be a bit silly? Maybe it was because they’d gotten a bit too frisky at Christmas brunch. Regardless, he didn’t like the tone, and was about to say so, when Noah pressed the button behind him and told her they’d be right up.

27

Jennifer found she’d missed this, these friends, more than she’d expected. The six of them sitting around the dinner table. Noah’s steak, Barbara’s appetizers and sides, the greatest Caesar salad she’d ever tasted. She smiled at the group, Sam and Patti across the table, Barbara and Noah at either end. She’d even missed Noah’s obnoxious stories.

Despite missing all of it, things felt different now. They had at Christmas brunch too, the last time she and Ryan had sat at this table. She felt bad admitting it, but these relationships, these dinners, felt so quaint now. Like they put on this appearance of normality, a costume they wore to hide the giant S scrawled across their chests. While she’d never quite had a connection with Noah, and Sam was so quiet around her as to almost be a non-person, she genuinely liked Barbara and Patti. Small talk proved difficult now.

Luckily, at the Watkins house, dinner often included The Noah Show, and tonight was no exception.

“Out of nowhere?” Ryan asked. He’d been paying attention while Jenifer had not.

Barbara set down her fork and turned to Patti, whose face seemed to demand an explanation. “He makes this story out to be something it’s really—”

“Middle of the night!” said Noah. “’Have you ever considered a threesome?’”

“Ten years he’s dwelt on this,” said Barbara, rolling her eyes.

“Understandably so,” said Sam.

Ryan agreed. “It’s a big question.”

Jennifer smiled. “Doesn’t get asked nearly enough in this hectic workaday world,” she offered, then snickered into her napkin.

“That’s what I’m saying!”

Patti shook her head as she quietly made a contribution. “I still don’t get the obsession.”

“Oh, Patti,” said Barbara. “I think it’s a pretty obvious obsession.”

“And rather universal,” said Sam to his plate.

Patti frowned at him, then turned back toward Barbara. “Well, I know all guys want is a threesome with two girls. But they don’t get that it doesn’t do anything for us. Where’s the incentive?”

Emboldened by her wine, Jennifer murmured, “Some of us,” under her breath. Ryan gave her a sidelong wink and squeezed her knee.

“I mean just look at it logistically,” said Patti, turning her conversation directly to Sam. “You are now responsible for two whole women and all that goes along with that.” She stared at him. The entire table went silent. After it became clear to her that Sam had no intention of responding, she opened the discussion up again to the rest of the them. “Not to mention the sheer number of writhing bodies and amount of sweat.”

Jennifer wondered exactly how much thought Patti had given it.

“I’ve never asked you for—” Sam began, finally turning to look at her.

“No, you haven’t asked, of course not.”

Squeezing Jennifer’s knee quickly, Ryan sought to slide the attention back away from poor Sam, staring helplessly into his food. “But, guys, the story here isn’t a vague philosophical discussion about threesomes, but rather Noah and—”

“Oh, yes,” said Barbara, “Wouldn’t want to lose that thread, would we?”

“Yes, right!” Emboldened, Noah began to gesture with his wine glass. “So, she asks me this, and I don’t know how to answer.”

“Well, it could be a trap,” agreed Ryan, nodding to Noah like a treasured confidant.

“I was asleep,” Barbara told him, then to the table, added, “It was a sleep question.”

“Something on your subconscious mind, Barb?” asked Jennifer.

Barbara’s lips tightened, and she stared at her husband far across the table. “Well, I’ve thought about it, sure. But I can tell you that this moment he’s obsessing about was truly not an invitation.”

“You’ve really thought about it?” asked Patti.

“Haven’t you?” asked Barb.

“No.”

“Really, Patti?” asked Jennifer. “What about the sheer number of writhing bodies?” She wondered to herself if people noticed her amped up energy, her willingness to toss things around like the boys always did. Privately, it made her feel emboldened, strong. But she cautioned herself not to tip their hand, no, they mustn’t do that.

“So, I’m lying there,” said Noah, wrenching back the conversational reins. “And I’m not saying anything.”

“Sure, no,” said Ryan, egging him on. “’Cuz anything you say could be the—”

“End of the conversation,” finished Noah.

“Ryan, I assure you, there’s no story here,” said Barbara. “Because that was the end of the conversation. He said nothing.”

“Nothing at all?” asked Ryan to Noah.

“Nothing. At. All.” said Barb, a satisfied smile on her face. “I ask him the question he was dying to be asked, and he—”

“I hesitated.”

“Hesitated all night. I went back to sleep.” Barbara punctuated with a raised eyebrow.

“Back to sleep?” Patti asked.

Sam looked to Noah like he’d been betrayed. “You were presented with this opportunity, one that you—”

Patti shook her head. “It wasn’t an opportunity, it was just a—”

“It could’ve been an opportunity.”

“It wasn’t an opportunity,” acknowledged Noah. “Patti’s right.”

“It was a question,” said Barbara. “Not an opportunity.”

“The moral of this story—”

“Oh, goody,” said Jennifer, “a moral.”

“Yes, the moral is that threesomes are the stuff of legend.”

“Not necessarily,” said Jennifer, then realized she maybe should keep that part a bit quieter.

“Because how could one possibly live up to what I’ve built up in my mind?” Noah agreed.

Ryan nodded at Noah’s strange attempt to logic his way around the idea. “Does it have to live up? Couldn’t it just be an awesome experience that broadens your view of—”

Because he was so focused on Noah, Ryan didn’t notice the strange look coming over Barbara’s face, but Jennifer did, and she knew what the look meant even before Barbara opened her mouth.

“Okay. You did it, didn’t you?”

“What?” Jennifer tried to play it cool.

“You,” said Barbara, looking for a comfortable way to say it, “got together with them, didn’t you?”

Sam looked around the table, perplexed. “What’re we talking about?”

“Bruce and Paige,” said Patti to Sam, then turned back to Barbara, “Right?”

“Yep,” said Barbara, terse.

All eyes shifted to Ryan and Jennifer. They looked at each other. A bit of the old Jennifer clawed her way back to the surface, the Jennifer who stayed mostly quiet at this dinner table, the one who didn’t want to make waves.

Ryan tried, and she applauded his effort, but she knew the genie had come out of the bottle the moment Barbara had spoken.

“I don’t know what you’re implying, but—” began Ryan, with all the indignation he could muster. Though that itself was a giveaway, wasn’t it? If he didn’t know what they were implying, why would he be so indignant about it?

“Sure, man,” said Noah, frowning.

“Really, I don’t think we—”

“Can someone please tell me what’s going on?” asked Sam, a note of pleading in his voice.

“Nothing,” said Ryan.

“They’re swingers,” said Patti, with a scowl that made no secret of her distaste.

The S word silenced the room, then hung over the table like a pendulous storm cloud.

Sam’s face moved from a confused lack of understanding, to surprise, to disbelief, to a bit of jealousy, then back to sadness. Patti got up from the table and walked out of the room.

“Patti!” called Ryan after her.

“Like from the seventies?” asked Sam.

Ryan turned to Jennifer, wrestling internally with the desire to flee.

“Bruce and Paige are swingers,” Noah said to Sam.

“Really? Wow!” Sam blinked a few times, taking in the new information. “I didn’t think people still did that.”

“Guys, c’mon,” said Ryan, much of the wind gone from his sails. “Do you really think we would do—”

Jennifer took his hand under the table. She’d been tussling with the flight urge and had squashed it. She appreciated Ryan’s attempt to stay in the negative, or at the very least neutral, but she’d reached her edge.

Barbara pointed at them. “This is a bad idea. This road you’re going—”

“Why?” snapped Jennifer, locking eyes with the other woman.

Barbara jumped.

“Seriously, how do any of you people know what’s good for us?”

Ryan nodded and opened his mouth to speak, pausing when Jennifer squeezed his hand.

“No, please tell me, when the four of you are in such dire straits that poor Sam cowers in fear of Patti, and the two of you talk endlessly about the risks you never took.” Jennifer pointed at Ryan. “Well, we’re happy. And it’s working.” She turned to him. “Right?”

“Yeah,” said Ryan. “Never been happier, actually.”

Noah made a dramatic flourish of a sigh. “And you’ve thought through all the risks inherent in—”

“Sometimes risks are worth taking,” said Ryan.

“You’re happy now, sure,” said Barbara. “But how long do you think this could possibly—”

“Barb!” Jennifer slammed her hand down on the table, making all the silverware on her side jump. “It’s not your decision!”

“I know,” said Barbara, softening a bit. “I’m just trying to look out for my friends.”

“So,” began Sam, who Jennifer had forgotten was still at the table, “It’s like wife swapping?”

“Look, guys,” said Ryan. “It’s not a big deal.”

Barbara shook her head. “You really think it’s not a big deal?”

“Well, fine, maybe it is a big deal. For us!” He was approaching Jennifer’s level of seething indignation and defensiveness. “We’ve had long conversations about us, looked at it from every angle.”

“Yeah,” agreed Jennifer. “There isn’t a complaint you could level that we haven’t already considered.”

“Seems like there could be a lot of conflict. Issues. Jealousy.” Sam seemed to be processing the concept more for himself than to the rest of them.

“Of course there could be!” Jennifer’s mind raced. “But they’re no worse than they are in the vanilla world!”

Sam looked up at her. “What’s that?” he asked.

She looked to Ryan for help, trying to apologize with her eyes that this had spiraled so far out of control.

He took a deep breath. “It’s their,” he shook his head and rephrased, “our name for people like you.”

Sam’s expression held no more sadness or withdrawal than usual, but even so he looked exceedingly hurt as he repeated, “People like us.”

Jennifer felt hot crushing panic and embarrassment. They’d done this, they had to fix it. “Look, Sam, we weren’t—”

Sam pushed back from the table and stood up. “I’m going to go check on Patti.” He left his napkin hanging over the back of his chair and went to the door. He stopped and looked back. “So you… did it… with them?”

Somehow his phrasing made it all the worse. Both Ryan and Jennifer nodded.

Sam returned the nod, then left the room.

“You had to bring this up?” Jennifer seethed at Barbara.

“You’ve really thought it through?”

“Yes,” said Ryan, “We have.”

“Well,” said Barbara, raising her wine glass. “I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for.”

Jennifer shook her head, grabbed Ryan’s hand, and left the room.

They made a big noisy show of getting their coats and shoes, flinging the front door open to retreat.

“Sorry,” said Noah.

They stopped in the doorway and turned back toward him.

“For the record,” he said, “I don’t think it’s an especially good idea.”

“Thanks,” said Jennifer, turning away and stepping outside. “Very helpful.”

“But I’m glad you guys are happy.”

Ryan stepped out of the house. “Thanks,” he said. “Next time, maybe try without all the judgment.”

The Lamberts left.

28

The 2007 Bodegas Avanthia Mencina might a bit too special occasion-y, so Bruce slid it back into the wine fridge. As he bought more variety, it seemed, the problem became deciding which bottle in his fridge didn’t qualify for a special occasion. “Perhaps something from the Pacific Northwest instead,” he suggested to himself and reached up to the top row. Those six bottles were certain to not be wait and hope bottles.

He held a Matello Pinot Noir in his hands. This should be lovely for the four of them and had a fun name to boot. He closed the door to the walk-in closet that housed his wine collection and pulled the metallic cap off. He stopped in the hallway, pulling his wine key out of his pocket to open the bottle before returning to the group, so that no one had to see the inevitable part where he put it on the floor between his feet to get extra leverage.

He smelled the cork. “Yes, this is perfect.”

Bruce returned the wine key to his pocket and glanced at the clock as he walked toward the living room. Only 9:30. The boys wouldn’t be back until midnight at the earliest, and before then he planned to double bolt the door, so they had to ring the bell. A bit nefarious perhaps, but as Adam had begun griping more about this big scary secret he was convinced his parents shared, yet covering his ears whenever Bruce tried to talk to him about it, he didn’t feel bad locking him out of the house.

Hunter was another story. Their sixteen-year-old had somehow managed to start dating a senior, and a gorgeous one at that. Well, gorgeous as far as Bruce was willing to allow himself to think, anyway. He found it hard not to be proud. Took after his old man, perhaps; Paige was a year Bruce’s senior.

But that goodwill and pride had stopped when, last Thursday, he’d snuck his girlfriend in, hoping his parents would turn in at a reasonable hour so they could head to the basement. When Bruce and Paige had decided to continue their House of Cards marathon with a couple rounds of, “Maybe one more episode,” instead of turning in, his gawky sixteen-year-old sensibilities had come out, as he tried to sneak her back down the front hall steps and out the door.

Kevin Spacey may as well have told him he was grounded.

Tonight, though, there’d be no surprise teenagers, and they could actually have friends over at home, an exceedingly rare occurrence. The thought occurred to him that he hadn’t checked the hot tub temperature in a few days. With the air hovering just below twenty degrees outside, tonight would be a lovely night for some skinny dipping indeed. He smiled.

The doorbell rang and Bruce’s face fell. Already? Not even nine-thirty and they’d already crashed the party. What could possibly have changed in their plans so early? And this meant they’d have to restart the scheduling dance to find another remote opportunity to share the house with friends instead of family.

Not to mention the whole, “Who are they?” question from Adam, should he wander into the living room and meet their guests. Of course, he’d also question why Mom was dressed like that?

“Like what?” Bruce would ask, indignant.

“Like a,” but Adam would trail off. They’d had similar conversations in the past, and honestly Bruce had a hard time working himself up over the idea that Paige might be dressed like a slut when she herself had asked him, “Too slutty? Or not slutty enough?” before putting on tonight’s extremely slinky and slutty-by-choice dress.

He set the bottle on the side table in the hall and unlocked the door, swinging it wide, about to throw a “What?” at his sons, realizing that his intensity might itself need explaining, but not quite caring.

The “What” did an abrupt left turn, and nearly became, “What are you doing here?” but he managed to stop that as well, finally settling on, “Well, hello, Lamberts.”

“You guys busy?” Ryan poked out a bottle of wine that had clearly just been purchased, as he’d tucked the bag it came in into his coat pocket.

Bruce blinked. “Uh, well…” he began.

“We’ve had a terrible night,” said Jennifer. “Just got outed and bitched at by Barbara and Noah.”

He sighed. One of Paige and his main concerns when they’d started this exploration with the Lamberts had been the possibility of doing critical damage to their relationship with their friends, those lovely people who really just wouldn’t understand. When at events at the Watkins house, he always felt as though he was tolerated as an accessory to Paige, who herself was perhaps only invited because she worked so closely with Barbara.

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

The couple on his doorstep smiled nervously and shivered. He stepped away from the door and waved his hand toward the hallway. “Come in a second.”

Ryan and Jennifer stepped inside. “Happy you’re home,” said Ryan. “We could really use some… positive reinforcement.”

“And passion,” said Jennifer, planting a kiss on Bruce’s lips.

Well, they not only brought wine in a bottle they brought wine in a girl, haven’t they? Bruce thought, noting the taste from Jennifer’s kiss.

“Listen, guys,” said Bruce, bringing his voice down. “We’ve got some friends over right now, so—”

“Special friends?” Ryan smiled.

“Yeah,” admitted Bruce.

“The more the merrier?” Jennifer asked.

He could hear the hope in her voice, the need. He’d been there, they both had. When Paige’s brother had found out they were swingers and decided to confront them in a big splashy show of judgment, fuck, he’d been there. They’d flown to Vegas with the Murrays that weekend. Had to get the fuck out of life for a while.

Ryan looked uncomfortable, perhaps picking up on Bruce’s hesitance. “Just a drink?” he suggested.

“Play it by ear?” said Jennifer.

They both stared at him, the yearning so great. He gave them a polite nod and held out his hands. “Can I take your coats?” He hung them on the peg hooks by the door, noting to himself that if they knew the peg hooks meant temporary, they might be hurt. “Now, listen, this couple… they’re—”

“What happened to you?” asked Paige, appearing in the doorway, adjusting the bottom hem of her dress, which just barely covered her shapely bottom at its lowest. “They asked if you fell into the—” She noticed Ryan and Jennifer. “Well, hey, cuties,” she said in a stilted manner. “I thought we told you we couldn’t—”

“There was an incident at the Watkins’.”

Paige frowned. “Oh, man. Was it the proverbial shit?”

Ryan nodded. “They outed us to Sam and Patti, and then just went on and on about how they didn’t think it was a good idea, and we weren’t thinking clearly.”

“Fuck,” said Paige. “It can be rough when people don’t understand.”

“They didn’t,” said Ryan.

Bruce looked at his wife, whose eyes were clearly asking why he’d invited them in. He tried to tell her, but was sure he’d failed, as her eye-talking skills were light years beyond his.

“Simone wanted me to ask you for a red this time,” she told him.

Bruce nodded. He picked up the bottle from the side table. “How about the Matello Pinot?”

Paige nodded and looked at the bottle. “You tell me.”

“It’s good!” said Bruce, “And the name means little fool.”

“Perfecto,” said Paige.

“We, uh, also…” said Ryan.

“Yes, the Lamberts brought wine as well.” Bruce grabbed both bottles and led the procession into the living room, where their other friends awaited their return.

29

A knot grew in the pit of Jennifer’s stomach. She rested her hand over the place where it sat. This whole thing was off. They shouldn’t have come here. Clearly Bruce and Paige didn’t want them here. She couldn’t really blame them, either, showing up unannounced, uninvited, asking themselves in, interrupting their evening with sexy friends.

Rude. Just rude.

She reassured herself, though, as they walked down the hall, that these two wonderful people understood, because they’d been through this whole thing themselves. Being outed. Having to defend their lifestyle. Fighting for their right to be left alone by well-meaning friends and family.

Who knew, maybe the six of them would get along, and something else could happen.

She fluttered a bit at that thought. Only four days had passed since their last rendezvous with Bruce and Paige, but that was entirely too long, as far as she was concerned. How she wished they could fly away somewhere, maybe off to California’s wine coast, where they could go to tastings and eat fabulously expensive meals that they couldn’t rightly afford but who the fuck cared? Then, at night, fuck until they fell asleep, without worrying about that early meeting, or the kids at home, or nosy friends, or any of it.

They could be lovers.

Jennifer sighed at the thought, and the pit momentarily vanished. They’d only been to the house once, so the four of them could drive together to a play, and they hadn’t seen much of it. What they had seen confirmed what they’d expected: Overwhelming good taste and the kind of money necessary to realize that taste. The house felt warm and inviting, not full of the kind of rooms that belonged behind gold velvet ropes, only to be used on the most extravagant of occasions.

A crackling fire in a massive stone hearth, mantle the better part of a small tree, greeted them as they turned the corner into the living room. A semicircle of two overstuffed brown leather couches and a chair surrounded the hearth. On one couch sat a man, fortyish, slender, graying at his temples, on the other a slightly younger woman, straight black hair cut just below her ears in the front and higher up in the back. As they entered, the couple stood, their expressions uncertain, smiles that went only skin deep.

Bruce introduced everybody with his signature bravado. “Simone, Mike, meet Ryan and Jennifer. Good friends all.”

Jennifer and Ryan shook hands with both Simone and Mike. Jennifer could feel in their handshakes that they didn’t know what to make of this arrival. This intrusion.

“Now, Simone,” said Bruce, “I’ve been informed by Paige that you’re in need of another drink. I’ve just this moment opened a bottle of Matello Pinot Noir, and Ryan was wonderful enough to bring,” he turned the bottle in his hand to see the label, “our old favorite Ménage à Trois. A blend.” He held both bottles up before her.

Simone extended a thin finger with deep red polish on the nail and swiped it against the Matello. “You’ve talked about this one,” she said.

“I have.” Bruce moved to the sideboard with the bottles and pulled two new glasses from underneath.

Jennifer held her hands together in front of her and shuffled anxiously.

“So,” said Mike. “How do you both know—”

Bruce leaned away from the sideboard and smiled at Mike, giving a wink. “Lifestyle.”

Almost immediately, a lot of the tension seemed to drain from the room as both Mike and Simone visibly relaxed. “No need for pretense then,” said Mike.

“By all means,” said Bruce, “Don’t stand on ceremony here, Mike.” He brought the freshly filled glass of crimson wine to Simone.

“Yeah,” offered Ryan. “We’re, uh, cool.”

Paige sat immediately next to Simone, the two of them taking up barely a single couch cushion. They smiled at each other as Simone rested her hand high on Paige’s thigh, and Jennifer got the impression that’s where they had had been moments before this interruption.

“Jennifer? Ryan?” asked Bruce, pointing between the two bottles on the sideboard.

She knew the bottle they’d brought was dramatically less posh and impressive than the one Bruce had opened. She felt ashamed, even though he and Paige had never once acted as though Ryan’s or her choices in wine or fineries mattered a bit. She waved her hand at him and sat in the easy chair that completed the semicircle.

Ryan watched his wife sit and felt that maybe they should leave. Soon at least. A polite glass of wine, and then leave their friends to their evening. This had been a bad idea. “You recommend the Pinot?”

“I do indeed.”

“Well, you’ve not steered me wrong yet,” Ryan smiled.

“Would you like to sit?” asked Mike. “I promise I’m secure enough that I am able to sit next to a man.”

“When one has shared a single vagina with another man, it does seem to relieve him of other petty male bonding insecurities,” said Bruce, handing Ryan the glass. “Please, sit, Ryan, or I’ll have to remain standing.”

Ryan sat next to Mike.

Bruce nodded and sat on the spacious other side of the couch occupied by Paige and Simone. Ryan watched the two women. Simone, now comfortable that no one here qualified as vanilla, appeared intent on getting Paige’s attention through nibbles on the neck and whispers in the ear. He was struck by how natural and effortless the interaction appeared. He could see a long history. He glanced at his wife, who seemed to be trying, and failing, not to stare.

“How long have you known these two?” Mike asked him.

“Oh, uh,” Ryan thought about it, and marveled at the short amount of time. “Only about two months.”

“Oh!” Mike said, excited. “You’re the newbies! You’re the reason we’ve had such a devil of a time getting these two out for a date!”

Ryan’s stomach dropped. “No, I mean…”

“I’m kidding,” Mike slapped his arm. “We’re incredibly busy. Simone travels for work and my schedule… Well, our availability is scarce. It just so happened that we were free two random nights, and it seems others with better schedules had gobbled them up.”

Mike’s smile was genuine, but Ryan still didn’t know how to react to the implied theft of their friends. He looked to the others in the room, but found no solace. Bruce watched as Simone and Paige delved deeper into each other, petting, kissing. Paige’s eyes closed, head back, hair ablaze in the firelight. Jennifer, also no help, stared intently at the trio on the couch.

“We’ve known these wonderful people forever, it seems,” said Mike. “Eh, Brucie? How long?”

“Nine years, I think.”

Mike’s grin widened and he slammed his hand down on Ryan’s knee, not turning away from Bruce, to whom he exclaimed, “Nine?”

“Nine,” said Bruce with a nod.

“Jesus,” said Mike, turning back toward Ryan. “And how long in the lifestyle?”

“Oh, uh, well, that two months,” he said, then added, “ish.”

Mike marveled at him, the way people do with babies and college graduates. “L’chaim!” he said, raising his glass of Scotch toward him. Ryan clinked his glass.

“Ryan?”

He turned to Jennifer, who was still looking at the three on the couch. Maybe he’d misheard, but it had sounded like her.

“So what did it?” asked Mike.

Ryan turned back to him. “We needed a change.”

“It is that, certainly.”

Bruce leaned over and kissed Simone’s shoulder, mirrored by Paige doing the same on the other side. He put his hand on her knee.

“Just a month in, are you still soft swap?” asked Mike. “It took us about six months before we moved beyond oral sex.”

“No, we’re full swap.” said Ryan. “We actually started there. Full sex.”

“You don’t mind me being direct, do you?”

“Oh, no.”

“Good, I find things are much easier when you’re simply direct with questions. And there’s nothing wrong with soft swap, of course. Are you okay, Jennifer?”

She didn’t respond to him. Ryan watched Mike reach out and lightly put his hand on her knee. She jumped, startled.

“I can’t,” she said, louder than intended.

The trio on the couch stopped and looked at her. She felt their eyes all staring as she stood from the chair. She backed away to a wall. She couldn’t do this, sit here. All of it ran through her, over and over in her mind, memories of the play times the four of them had spent, surely, but mostly memories of that solo date she’d had with Paige. The one where they couldn’t even wait to get back to the house before sliding their fingers down each other’s jeans at the mall, leaving a broad wet spot in Jennifer’s.

But now she was kissed this skinny girl, this experienced skinny girl that she’d known for years. Only bits of Ryan and Mike’s conversation had penetrated the fog of jealousy, but that one, nine years, oh, that one had stuck.

“I can’t watch,” she began, feeling tears welling, tears she absolutely didn’t want to spill. “That,” she gestured with her palm at the couch.

The three of them, and on the other side, Ryan and Mike, all stood. Everybody moved toward her at once, looks of concern on their faces. Too much, just too fucking much. She couldn’t breathe. She gasped. Ryan grabbed for her, but she wanted Paige to just hold her and tell her that everything would be alright.

Too many people.

Too many too close.

Ryan’s hand reached her and he took her arm but it felt like tugging and sure they all look so genuinely concerned but when Jennifer left there’d be laughing and she would shrug and say, “Newbies.”

“No!” She held out both her hands, palms out. “We need to go. Ryan, we need to go.”

“Yeah,” said Ryan as she went. “Yeah, okay.”

He looked at the faces, seeing genuine concern all around. He looked at his glass of wine and set it on the end table next to the easy chair where Jennifer had been sitting. Jennifer who had left the room. Jennifer who had looked like she was about to cry. “It was,” he offered, “nice to meet you.”

Ryan met Bruce’s eyes, and saw surprise, confusion perhaps, more than anger. But what could he expect? “Sorry,” was all he could offer.

“Jennifer!” He caught up with her crossing the lawn, face buried in her hands, tears streaming now.

“I want to go home,” she said. She pulled on the passenger-side door handle and let her arms flop when she found it locked.

“Okay.” Ryan unlocked the car with the key fob. “Of course, okay.”

He opened the passenger door and ushered her into the car. As he closed it, he looked back up at the house.

Faces in the window. Ryan’s own face burned.

30

She’d already washed the dish, but Jennifer put it back into the soapy water again and began to scrub it. Ryan sat behind her at the table, phone to his ear, waiting to see if this time they’d pick up. Three phone call attempts in the two days since their dramatic exit from the Shepard house. Ryan’s posture would change when they picked up, but every time so far, it’d been voicemail.

She’d left a single message for Paige the day before, full of long pauses and little substance. “I shouldn’t have,” then silence, then, “I didn’t expect to feel the way I did.” Should probably explain that more, shouldn’t she? “When I didn’t get jealous of you and Ryan, I thought,” she laughed uncomfortably. “Maybe I was in the clear?”

Clear from jealousy. Somehow immune. How wrong she’d been, how surprisingly wrong. Foolish. Amateurish. No wonder they were called the newbies, they certainly acted like people who had no fucking clue what they were doing.

Jennifer tensed as Ryan’s posture changed.

“Bruce!” he said, cuing up his apology. Start light, he thought. “Glad I finally got a hold of you! Seems like we’ve been playing phone tag.”

“Yeah,” said Bruce. “Ryan, listen.”

Ryan’s voice quieted. “Yeah.”

“So,” Bruce sighed. “Jennifer’s—”

“She’s really sorry about that,” Ryan said quickly, bouncing his head in an affirmative. “We both are. You know, stress and the events of the evening.”

“I’m sure,” said Bruce. “Yeah.”

A long pause, Ryan waited, hoping he wouldn’t cut Bruce off again. He reminded himself to be polite, gregarious, contrite. It might blow over. I mean, they liked him and Jennifer, right?

“Look, Ryan,” said Bruce, “It made us a little nervous.”

“Nervous,” Ryan repeated. They made Bruce and Paige nervous. He met Jennifer’s eyes and his heart dropped, a mortified look on her face, her eyes glassy. She dragged the soapy sponge in small circles around the plate in her hand.

“Yeah,” he replied, allowing another silence to linger. “So, Paige and I were talking, and we think it would sorta be best if we pulled back a little, put things on the back burner.”

This is the end, isn’t it? They’d blown it. When the words came out, the idea of swinging presented, they never thought they’d get attached. They never thought they’d spend more time with these two than anyone else in their lives. That they’d begin to care so deeply.

That they could be dumped.

“Back burner,” repeated Ryan.

Jennifer turned away, toward the sink. The dish clattered into the pile.

“Hey,” said Bruce, lightening out some of the ominous tenor of his voice. “We like you guys. A lot.”

“We like you too,” said Ryan. “A whole lot.”

“I think it’d be good.”

“So you like us enough to break up with us.” He watched Jennifer’s shoulders shudder.

“Don’t say that,” his voice changed again. The boisterousness gone, now more earnest. “That’s not what this is.”

“It’s not.”

“No,” said Bruce, hitting the word with some added emphasis. “We just need…” Something muffled. “A little space.”

Ryan knew what the muffled moment had been. He could almost see it across the miles between them. Bruce sitting at the table on his phone. Paige standing next to him, nodding at his comments, offering, “A little space,” when it looked like Bruce needed it.

“Just for a bit,” Bruce added. “And then we—”

“Well,” said Ryan. He’d heard enough. “Okay, then. I guess we’ll just leave you be.” He cleared his throat, hearing his voice waver. “Give you that space.”

“Ryan.”

“We’ll probably be at that party next month, so thank you again for that. Maybe we’ll see you there.”

A long pause. “Sure,” said Bruce. “Sounds good. I’ve got a bunch of things I need to—”

“Yeah, bye.” Ryan hit the end button and put the phone down on the table. He stared at it, jaw clenched. “Been a while since I’ve been dumped.”

Jennifer turned to him. “I blew it.”

“No, you didn’t. Don’t say that.”

He could see the tears welling and moved over to his wife, wrapping his arms around her.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“You don’t have to be sorry.”

“It’s my fault!”

“It’s okay.” He hugged her tight against his chest and dropped a kiss on top of her head. “It’s okay.”

His focus on taking away the guilty feelings, making her feel better, trumped the rest. The thought that maybe much of the fault did lie with her, though not entirely, no. They had both wandered into that situation, sure, and both of them ought to have realized that they didn’t belong there, that they should’ve begged off. Apologized for interrupting and called it a night. Things would’ve been okay, then.

Even if Bruce and Paige had been mad about their unannounced intrusion, on a night they’d specifically told him and Jennifer they couldn’t get together, they would’ve understood the impulse. The need to cling to people also doing that thing. That thing they’d just been berated about. That thing they’d just been accused of, as though it were a negative, as though it were a horrible thing they were doing.

She sniffed into his shirt. “What do we do now?”

Ryan wasn’t sure. He tried to find something he could say that might make it better. Something that would make it hurt less. Or maybe something that’d help Jennifer not blame herself. All he could come up with was, “I don’t know.”

He did wonder, for a moment, why she had been so jealous there? They’d talked a lot about their surprising lack of jealousy over the past several weeks.

“I don’t think it’s a negative,” he’d told her, “I think it really speaks to how secure we feel with each other.”

She’d nodded. “Like I’m not worried you’ll leave.”

“Yeah, exactly.”

So was that it? That Bruce and Paige had just left? The pulling of the proverbial plug? Ryan tried not to worry that it spoke to something deeper, something that Jennifer needed that he simply could not provide. He’d seen it, too. Maybe it was the newness, the excitement, the exceptional variety that being bisexual afforded his wife.

But the looks Paige and Jennifer had exchanged on multiple occasions. When she’d asked if he’d be okay with her going on a solo date, he’d known immediately it wasn’t with Bruce but with Paige. A tremendous depth existed between the two women, in the unspoken silences, in the kisses, in the touches. That was why it’d been so difficult for her to watch.

Paige was something entirely unique to Jennifer. A singular person in the world. Someone without equal. But two days ago, she’d been presented with a vision of reality she’d not allowed herself to think about, perhaps. The one that showed that while Jennifer might be special too, in Paige’s mind, and Ryan really did think that was the case, she wasn’t wholly unique.

It must’ve been horrible to feel.

Jennifer wiped her eyes, rubbing her cheek on Ryan’s faded flannel shirt. She tried to remember the old saying, about burning bright and fast. Maybe this thing was only meant to be this long. Maybe that’s all it had in it.

The thought crushed her. She liked both of them, of course. Both Bruce and Paige were incredibly sweet and attractive and considerate. Great lovers, without a doubt. But when she thought of Paige, her stomach fluttered.

She kissed Ryan. “We still have each other,” she said.

He leaned back, surprise on his face. “Of course we still have each other.”

“Good.”

She squeezed him hard, pressing her face back against his chest. He pulled her in tighter.

They stood that way for a long while.

31

Ryan pulled the car to a stop in front of the massive suburban house on what could hardly even be called a corner lot. The front of the house, and much of the driveway, were obscured by trees. Low lights lit a path to the door, and small spotlights lit up the columned facade. The driveway held a line of cars, all dark colors. The car in front of him on the street had the trademark space-age T hood ornament of a Tesla. He exhaled sharply, taking it all in, wondering if they had any business being there.

“Are we ready for this?” he asked Jennifer.

“You can say no anytime you want,” she replied, taking in for herself the extravagance before her.

“I’m just asking,” he said back.

Their preparations for this event had been a multi-day slog. Jennifer had been back and forth from the hair salon, the nail salon, a waxing salon. “If they’re all perfectly bald, I’m certainly not going to be the only one with bush,” she’d told him when he questioned it.

When she’d returned from that appointment the day before, Jennifer’s jeans had gone down in a flash to show him her freshly waxed vulva, pink, almost throbbing. “Yeah,” she said, looking down at it. “It hurt.”

Ryan had made his own trip out to a local sex shop called Priscilla’s for an accessory for himself. He’d stared at the rack of “Male Enhancers,” little red and blue pills vacupacked to cards, all with different names that made him feel woefully inadequate for needing them. Cock-SURE! Hard-All-Nite! Not that he had any reason to believe he did, in fact, need them. He’d only had trouble once or twice in their time with Bruce and Paige, but it had been the distraction of too much happening at once that had done it. Something that might well be the case at a party like this.

He’d finally decided on CockStarr, after the girl with the nose ring and the blue hair told him, “Avoid the top row. And that one called CockStarr is the only one I’ve ever been told works. So…”

He’d grabbed the pack even if the lack of space and extra “r” made him mildly nervous, along with a box of condoms and some lube, and was home before Jennifer. As the card recommended in disconcertingly broken English, Ryan took the pill on empty stomach, up with two hours before activity. It came with the rather ridiculous promise to last up to 72 hours.

Since he’d arrived home before her, he’d spent a good fifteen minutes with his electric trimmer trying to figure out what today’s wealthy man might do with their pubic hair. In the end, he’d admitted defeat, and decided against doing anything more than trim off the longer bits. As he stared at his genitals in their bathroom mirror, he shrugged, wondering if anyone really noticed or cared about such things.

When Jennifer returned from her nail appointment, she’d found him standing in front of their full length mirror, looking at his newly shorn genitals. “You trimmed,” she said.

“Yeah.” He looked at her. “Is it weird?”

She shook her head. “Doesn’t look much different. Just more visible.”

He’d nodded.

“Do we belong here?” he asked her, parked behind the Tesla, lit by the house’s ambient lighting.

“I have no idea,” she said.

Ryan smiled at her. Even in the dim light, she looked amazing. Her hair hung in a cascade of large curls. Her makeup smoky charcoal, lips glistening crimson to match her nails. Her cleavage sparkled with glitter lotion, a pale expanse over the top of her littlest and blackest of dresses. Perhaps the question was not if they belonged there, but if he did.

When picking out what he’d wear for the evening, he’d tried his hardest to look as effortlessly handsome as Bruce, but had quickly realized that it was quite difficult to try hard to do something effortlessly. He’d ultimately decided on a gray blazer with a black button down beneath it. If he didn’t look great, perhaps he’d just blend into the background. Every attempt to try something different with his hair had led to regret, so ultimately he’d stuck with his go-to side part.

Before they’d left for the evening, Jennifer had squeezed past Ryan into their small master bathroom, and he’d felt an almost instant tightening in his pants. “My, that was sudden,” she said, reaching out to feel his hardness with her hand.

“I took a thing,” he said, feeling sheepish, as though it was somehow dishonest of him if he didn’t mention it. He pointed to the torn card backing on the top in the trash can.

“Oh, really?” she smirked.

“Stupid?”

“No,” she’d said, the smirk vanishing. “Whatever will help you feel comfortable. It’s…”

“Intimidating,” he’d finished.

Everything about this felt intimidating. The house. The expanse of snow covered lawn. The Tesla. To say nothing about what was likely already happening inside the house. He reached across the center console and grabbed Jennifer’s hand.

“Did you try them again?” she asked him.

He nodded.

“Leave a voicemail?”

He sighed. “I don’t want to leave another one.”

“Yeah,” she said, sullen.

“We’ll see them tonight, or we won’t. We’ll play with them…”

“Or we won’t.”

He nodded again.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, I’m okay. Are you?”

She nodded a bit, revving up her enthusiasm. “Today is the day we change our lives.”

“Been doing that for a while now, I think.”

“No,” she took his other hand and turned toward him. “This is on our terms. We’re not beholden to Bruce and Paige, not afraid of looks or judgment from the Watkins or Mortons…”

He agreed. “This is the deep end.”

“Yeah,” she said. “Sink or swim.”

The deep end had seemed so improbable and far away after that phone call with Bruce, after that awful night. For the first time, this “fix” that they’d stumbled onto had seemed like a mirage, an apparition. He’d even suggested to Jennifer that they go back to see Dr. Petrillo.

Jennifer had been surprised. “I thought you didn’t want his help anymore.”

“I don’t have that same confidence that I did,” Ryan offered, feeling ashamed.

“I’ll absolutely go back, but,” she’d lifted his face up to meet hers, sitting next to him on the couch in front of the fireplace. He’d paused his video game. “But you’re still awesome. And me, I’m still awesome.”

He didn’t feel awesome. He’d told her that.

“Do you want to be in a monogamous four-way relationship with Bruce and Paige?” she’d asked him, surprising him with the question, surprising him with the concept.

“I’m not—”

“As strongly as I felt,” she’d said, “And believe me I felt more strongly than I thought, I still looked at that as the beginning. Didn’t you?”

He had. Bruce and Paige were to be their first swinging playmates. Not their last. Not their only. Perhaps enthusiasm and affection had hijacked that and steered it, but there’d always been the planned eventuality of dating again.

“We’ve got some ‘don’t do’s now, I think.” Her laugh was strained and a bit melancholy. “But we can still do this.”

He was impressed by her enthusiasm. The subject of what now had come up so infrequently that first week after the, may as well call a spade a spade, breakup. Both of them had gone on acting like business were indeed as usual, as though the date they’d scheduled for the following Friday hadn’t been canceled.

When Friday evening had come and gone, though, spirits were lower. Over those few weeks there’d been a definite drop in their sexual fervor, but it still sat well on the happy side of their old average. When they did wind up sitting on Dr. Petrillo’s couch again, the week after that, for the first time since they’d met Bruce and Paige, he’d noted their frequency increase, “Well above the national average for your age, income bracket, and relationship status.”

Surprisingly unruffled by the swinging decision, Petrillo seemed far more focused on the mantras, delighted they’d been using them. “I’m pleased to hear you chose this together,” he told them, then folded his hands. They stared back. “Would you consider it an improvement?”

“Well, yes,” said Jennifer.

Ryan felt that his own ambivalence was odd, so he didn’t disagree.

“Excellent,” Petrillo said, then waited.

The rest of the session had not strengthened Ryan’s faith in Petrillo to effect real change in their outlook and relationship. He’d nearly pointed out to the doctor that this whole change had nothing to do with his mantras or their earlier sessions, and everything to do with just being in the right place at the right time.

So tonight he wondered: Was this the right place? Was this the right time? As they climbed out of the car, they took each other’s hands.

“I love you,” said Jennifer.

“I love you, too,” returned Ryan.

They followed the well-shoveled path up to the house. As they drew near, the sounds of laughing and music, and deep in the background, some orgasmic moans, bled through the walls.

They’d most definitely found themselves out beyond the ropes now, into the deep end.

Sink or swim.

32

The front door swung open to reveal a foyer larger than their bedroom. Jennifer tried to keep her mouth from hanging open. The rounded walls of the room, leading to a double staircase upward, surrounded a table as big as their dining room table with a single floral display on it.

She wondered for a moment if the door had opened itself before seeing an attractive couple in their mid-fifties waiting to greet them.

As they opened their arms to Ryan and Jennifer, the woman said, “And you must be the Lamberts!” with warm enthusiasm.

“We brought…” Ryan began before restarting. “Um, yes. The Lamberts.” He pointed his finger at himself. “Ryan.” He pointed at her. “Jennifer.”

Well, that was classy, she thought.

“Welcome both of you,” said the man. His hair was white and close cropped, longer on the top, and he wore a short length of beard on his cheeks and chin. Broad-chested and thin-waisted, he clearly had not been slacking at the gym. His button down shirt revealed a poof of gray chest hair. “I’m Marty, and this vision you see next to me, Amanda.”

Amanda’s body had the toned but not overly muscular fitness of someone in her mid-thirties. A runner perhaps. She wore her slinky dress with panache and a healthy amount of cleavage on display. Her short hair coppery red, her smile very welcoming.

Jennifer felt at ease. The welcome alone had stopped the pounding in her chest.

“Can I take your coats?” asked Marty, offering his hands. He opened a curved door set into the wall, revealing a walk-in closet full of coats. Jennifer wouldn’t have been surprised to see a coat check girl in there.

“Now that the coats are out of the way—” began Amanda.

“Oh! We brought…” Ryan held out the bottle to her. It had cost more than they’d ever spent on a bottle of wine for an event. They were perhaps a bit desperate to make an impression.

Marty took it from him. “Ah, the Hitching Post! Have you been?”

He stammered.

“We try to get there every couple of years; that region produces simply glorious wine. I find I vastly prefer domestic because of the middle of California.” Marty grinned broadly. “And Washington, of course.”

“Are you huggers?” asked Amanda.

Upon nodding, Jennifer received a warm hug from Amanda. Hands on her back, holding tight. Then one from Marty.

She saw Ryan receive a hug and handshake.

“Your RSVP said that this is your first party?” asked Amanda.

“Yes,” said Jennifer.

“Don’t be afraid.”

“We’re not,” grinned Ryan.

“Good,” said Marty. He held up the Hitching Post Pinot. “I’m going to put the wine where it can mingle with its brethren, and Amanda can give you the tour. I assure you that you’re in excellent hands.”

“Thanks.”

“Shall we?” asked Amanda, as Marty disappeared between the two staircases.

Jennifer nodded.

The tour began walking down a hallway with walls full of pictures. Children, grandchildren. Jennifer felt immediately more comfortable that these were happy family people, though she didn’t know why it mattered to her. Would someone have the opposite reaction should they notice that she and Ryan had no children?

“Our number one rule here,” Amanda said as she walked them into a space Jennifer was sure would be called the great room, “and at all of our parties, is that no always means no. I mean, it sounds silly, but they’re words to live by and bear repeating over and over again.”

She reached out and touched Jennifer’s arm. “Nobody does anything here to which they don’t give enthusiastic consent.”

Jennifer nodded. She took in the expansive room. A wall of windows looked out into the forest behind the house. Several of the closer trees glowed with white twinkle lights. The room held two separate seating areas, one in an elongated U around the massive stone fireplace, and the other recessed into the ground, full of a sectional couch that looked like it had expanded well beyond anyone’s expectations. Both seating areas were full, with perhaps thirty people in the room. Many lounged on the enormous sectional in what Jennifer’s mother would’ve called a conversation pit. Some stood around the fireplace. Couples here, clusters of three and four there. A number of people stood near a grand piano by the windows. A pair of women sat at the piano, their duet involving tongues and fingers.

It appeared to be the kind of fancy cocktail party one might see at a fundraiser for a well-appointed charity, but a closer look would quickly reveal something here was different. Hands were on knees and laps, breasts were fondled through dresses, and there was far more extensive kissing than one would ever expect to see in so-called polite society.

“No, thank you also means no, by the way.” Amanda winked and waved them back toward the hallway. In the doorway, a plaster pillar stood about waist tall. Atop it was a cherry wood tea serving box. “I wish I could take credit for this idea, but my girlfriend Stephanie suggested it.” Amanda gestured at the box. “The tea boxes, which you’ll find all around the house, contain the condoms. These boxes are everywhere, and you should never be far from one!”

“Good to know,” said Ryan.

As they passed the box and moved further down the hall, she looked back over her shoulder. “Protection is essential. We fully believe in safer sex at these parties. After all, we aren’t savages.” She winked at Ryan. “For the most part. And it’s called safer sex,” she emphasized, “because we know that truly safe is unattainable. We must all do our best.”

She pointed to the end of the hall. “We have our sauna, the guest bath, and guest bedroom down there. That bath has a Jacuzzi tub. But if you’re a bubbly water fan, and I know I am, I recommend the hot tub on the patio. Seats eight vanillas. We’ve had sixteen in there.” She laughed. “Nearly emptied the tub!”

She waved them out again into the foyer. As they entered, Amanda threw her hands up and squealed in delight. “Beth! Andy!” She rushed forward toward and threw her arms around the couple in their who’d just entered. Kisses and hugs were exchanged. “I’m giving the Lamberts the tour — it’s their first time here! Ryan, Jennifer, meet our dear friends Beth and Andy!”

Ryan stepped forward to cross the room and introduce himself, but Amanda was already moving up one of the two staircases. “Moving on!”

Jennifer waved at Beth and Andy as she and Ryan followed Amanda.

Upstairs, a small seating area with a chaise lounge and a recliner was occupied by two women performing enthusiastic fellatio on an equally enthusiastic man, who nodded and waved at them before closing his eyes again and moaning.

Amanda watched for a moment, a smile on her face. “Just remember, Lamberts, it’s all about pleasure,” she said. “If it’s pleasure you want, then it’s pleasure you deserve!”

She waved them down the hall. “You are free to use any room in the house except for the last door down on the left. Off limits.” She leaned in toward Jennifer in an aside. “I assure you, it’s not as enticing as that may sound. It’s a sewing room. And a mess.”

Jennifer laughed and they moved down the hall.

“If you want privacy, choose a room and close the door. Shut doors should always be knocked on. Don’t go in if not invited, etcetera.” She stopped in front of a door only open a crack. “On the other side of the spectrum, of course, are our friends Terry and Penelope, who we passed on the way up with their new friend…” She put her hand to her forehead, scrunching her brow. “Rebecca! That’s it. Well, what you do in public is ripe for voyeurs.”

She smiled. “You belong to the Shepards, don’t you?”

“What?” Jennifer blinked at that. “No, we—”

“I just mean they asked us to extend you the invitation, right?”

“Yes,” said Ryan, seeing Jennifer’s confusion.

“They’re wonderful people,” said Amanda. “It’s been far too long since we’ve had a chance to play with them.” She pointed to the door, open a crack. “The Fullertons we’ve known about as long. Also lovely! And if you’re open for visitors but not gawkers, a cracked door is an invitation.” She slid past them, heading the opposite way down the hall. “We’ll take the back stairs down to the bar. Come, come!”

Ryan watched her go, and Jennifer turned and followed, beginning to shake off the fluster. He leaned toward the door, peaking through the crack. Dim light barely illuminated the room, but he could see Paige’s hair, and then noticed Bruce. The couple with them might have been their age or older, but Ryan couldn’t quite resolve what was happening.

The foursome on the bed undulated together, breathing heavily. Then, like a Magic Eye picture, the tryst snapped into focus. Bruce lay on his back on the bed, and the other three, the two women and other man, all were servicing him.

“Huh,” said Ryan, turning away from the room.

They’d never talked about it, but he wondered if that meant Bruce was bisexual. Or if he just was okay with receiving that way. He wondered if Bruce had ever looked at him sexually, if—

He crashed into a thin blond poking at a touch screen display on the wall. Ryan stepped back quickly, holding up his hands. “I’m so sorry!” he said.

“No harm done!” The young woman grinned at him. “Hiya!” She couldn’t have been thirty, likely closer to twenty-five. She wore only a black bra and panties with red polka dots on them.

“Hi,” he said back, suddenly quite aware that he’d been leering at her body. He tried to stop.

“I’m trying to find some new music on this thing. Everything they’ve got is so…” she made a face. “What’s the point in having cutting edge technology to control all the music in your house if you’ve got nothing past 2000? Am I right?”

He nodded. “Any luck?”

“I may have to Bluetooth my phone into it.”

Impressed, Ryan peered at the device. “It does that?”

She shrugged. “I’m Annabelle.”

“Ryan.” He offered his hand.

She laughed and planted a kiss on his cheek, then squeezed him in a hug. “You smell good, Ryan.” Above them came the voice of Neil Diamond, loudly asking Cracklin’ Rosie to get on board. They both looked at the speakers inset in the ceiling above them.

“Thank you, you—”

“Well, it’s not new, but it’s awesome!” said Annabelle with a grin.

My god, her teeth are perfect, thought Ryan.

“Want some E?”

“What?” he asked.

Annabelle waved off the question. “Want to sit with me?” She pointed toward the chaise lounge, now empty of the fellating trio.

Scenarios flew through Ryan’s mind, conflicting with the rational brain that wondered if he should catch up on the tour. If he didn’t rush off to rejoin the tour, he resolved that he wouldn’t do anything without Jennifer, that if this… basically teenager wanted to have sex with him for some reason, he’d drag her down to the bar with him.

“We’re new at this. At the lifestyle,” she said when they sat very close together on the chaise.

“We are too. Where’s your,” he glanced at her fingers, “boyfriend?”

“Doug’s playing cornhole in the game room.”

She must have noticed the surprised look on Ryan’s face.

“You know,” she laughed. “Bean bags. What did you— Oh! No. He’s straight. Well, bi.” She waved her hands as though she were conjuring a modifier. “Situational?” That satisfied her, and she nodded. “Are you into that?”

“Am I into—”

“What do you do, Ryan?”

Ryan took a deep breath, finding it difficult to keep up with this conversation. “I work for an investment firm.”

“I’m a dental hygienist.” She grinned, wider than before, to display those two rows of perfect teeth.

“Good for you!” He said with a smile. “So, since you’re new, have you figured out what you like?”

“Well, it’s all fun, isn’t it?”

Ryan grinned as well. “Yeah, it really is.” Maybe they really could do this. This place felt comfortable, if a bit intimidating. Everybody was really friendly. They didn’t need Bruce and Paige, who were clearly occupied with other people.

“But if I had to pick, I think I like fisting best. DVP and DAP are close seconds.” She made a roar of excitement. “I love feeling full.”

She’d lost him now. “DA—”

“Double anal penetration.”

Ryan knew the words, but the idea didn’t gel. “Double.”

“Airtight is great too!”

He just let his mouth hang open.

“You know, all holes plugged.” Annabelle leaned forward and ran her finger in a circle around his chest. “I’ve been looking at your hands,” she said. “Do you want to put one inside me?”

Yep, this crossed the boundary. At least the implied boundary. He hadn’t even finished the tour yet! He heard the oooooo-eeeeee-oooooo-eeeee of a British siren in his mind. He wondered why it was British.

Ryan leapt to his feet. Annabelle grinned at the bulge in his pants. Damned pill! he thought.

She reached out and unzipped his fly. He quickly zipped it back up.

“You don’t have to fist me if you don’t want to. I’ll still blow you.”

Ryan squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. His blood coursed, rushing through him. He could hear it in his ears. “I need to find… um…”

“Your wife?” offered Annabelle.

“Yes! My wife.”

“She could join us!” suggested Annabelle, as Ryan rushed down the hall to figure out how to rejoin the tour. If he’d been told earlier today that a girl in her twenties would be into him, he would’ve roundly dismissed it. Now his blood pressure suggested he might want to dial things back. Something mellow. Something calm.

Right now he had to find Jennifer.

33

“How’d that one treat you?” Marty asked Jennifer after she knocked back a shot.

“Like I need another one,” she said with a grin. The bar took up an entire wall of the basement. She sat on a stool next to four others. Immediately next to her sat a man in his mid-thirties named… she wanted to say Jeff. Was that bad? To have forgotten already? The guy next to him, perhaps a bit older, that was Glen, and she was sure of that because he had the dark hair and eyes and chiseled jaw of another Glen, a quarterback in high school she’d had, well, perhaps not a crush on, but certainly had giddy/naughty feelings about. On the other side of Jeff, a few seats down, was a couple in their forties. Marty hadn’t introduced them. They looked like they might be having a serious discussion, bodies turned entirely inward toward each other.

Amanda had turned her over to Marty at the bar after she’d pointed out the hallway to their home theater, warmly lit by discreet lighting along the floor and art deco wall sconces. The game room was complete with a pool table and some younger men playing the bean bag game, beers in their hands. Jennifer didn’t think they looked like they really belonged there. But what did she know?

The guests were eclectic. Impressively so. The age range, too. Whenever people clustered in her standard social circle, the age range tended to be smallish. Maybe ten years. Jennifer was impressed by the variety on display here. But the boys in the game room, holding Pabst bottles… Something about that just made her think they were on a different level than the rest of this place, this elaborate bar she sat at, with a rail for her feet and everything.

Jennifer giggled when she noticed her lap was illuminated by a line of LED lights inset along the underside of the bar. She wondered where Ryan was. They’d lost him on the tour. Surely he’d love this bar. He’d have to tell Noah about it. Rub it in his face a bit.

The thought surprised her. Was she bitter toward Noah? She hadn’t thought much of him and Barbara since the night they’d stormed out of that argument and stormed right into Bruce and Paige’s date. Could hardly blame the Watkins, could she? She shook her head. No, it was pretty well my fault, she thought. While the Watkins might have lit the fuse, Jennifer had been the one to explode.

But tonight was about new beginnings. New exploration. Expansion.

“Let me buy this next one!” said Jeff, winking at Jennifer.

“Nope, I’m buying,” said Glen.

Jennifer smiled at the bidding war.

Marty set his bottle of honey bourbon on the bar and cocked his head at them, a twinkle in his eye. “You two do realize that the only one actually buying this beautiful woman drinks is me, right?”

Glen shook his head at that and leaned across Jeff to make eye contact with Jennifer. “You are simply gorgeous.”

The twinge that ran through her was at least half informed by her long-ago quarterback, but the present was nice too.

“There he is!” said Marty, raising his glass of Scotch toward the stairs behind them.

Jennifer turned to see Ryan coming down the stairs with a dazed expression on his face. She breathed a sigh of relief and smiled at him. He smiled back. She felt herself relax, surprised to discover that she’d been concerned. Not outwardly, not on top, but underneath. A little bit of what if he doesn’t come back? But none of it mattered because now she could, and did, wrap her arms around him.

“Jeff, Glen,” said Marty, “This is gorgeous Jennifer’s husband.” He gritted his teeth for a moment and squinted. “I want to say Randy?”

Jeff laughed. “I’ll bet he’s Randy!”

“Ryan,” said Ryan.

“Yes!” Marty leaned forward. “I do apologize, but I’ve been given this wonderful bottle as a gift by our esteemed friend Jeff here.” He slid over a bottle of Highland Park 25.

Must be an expensive bottle judging by Ryan’s expression, thought Jennifer.

“Usually I’m much better with names, but…” He shook his glass at Ryan. “Would you like some?”

“Really?” asked Ryan. “Sure, yeah!”

Marty nodded and grabbed a glass from below the bar.

“Enjoy it, my friend,” said Jeff.

Ryan raised the drink to Jeff, who mirrored the gesture. Marty followed it.

“Let me just tell you,” said Jeff, “that this woman you brought is a stunning example of… womanhood.”

“That was a nice one,” said Glen. “Womanhood.”

“Thank you?” asked Ryan.

Jennifer loved that he’d followed his thank you with the implied question mark. No one brought me! She enjoyed the attention, though. Quite a bit.

“I would very much like to give her a kiss,” said Jeff.

Ryan looked at Jennifer, then back to Jeff. “Well, don’t you have to ask her if that’s okay? Not up to me.”

Jeff moved behind them, stepping around to Jennifer’s side. “May I?”

Jennifer nodded and leaned forward. Jeff kissed her, at first light, quick, then longer and lingering. Then tongues joined and he brought his hands up to her face. He held her face close to his as they parted, looking into her eyes. His sparkled, a pale blue.

“Lovely,” he said.

She agreed.

“How about a kiss for your old friend Glen?” Glen asked, miming being hurt.

Was it somehow unethical to channel her misbegotten lust for that quarterback from a decade and change ago? To kiss the hell out of this guy just because he shared the name and look? “Of course,” she said and brought her face to his. Whereas Jeff had steered their kiss, Jennifer brought her hand up to the back of Glen’s head, pulling him toward her. His eyes brown, a smile on his face when the kiss ended.

“Man,” said Glen. “You’re something.” He poked his glass into the air. “To Jennifer and Randy. Sorry, Ryan! You are randy, but your name is Ryan.”

Ryan chuckled. He wondered if this might be part of Glen’s game, to throw him off by not using his name. At the same time, Marty had done it too, and he didn’t get that vibe from him. So perhaps… over-thinking? “So,” he asked. “Are you guys here alone?”

“Magdalena,” said Glen, “My wife, I mean. She’s upstairs.” He laughed. “Haven’t actually seen her in the last hour, though.”

“When I last saw the lovely Magdalena,” offered Marty, “she was in the hot tub with Erik and Nicole.”

“There you go,” said Glen.

“My missus assured me she’d be right back,” Jeff said. He pointed at Ryan. “I’ll introduce you to her. You’re definitely her type.”

Ryan wondered what that might mean. He ran a mental inventory. What did Jeff know or assume about him? How could he possibly know what type Ryan was? Furthermore, Ryan wondered if he ever had actually been someone’s type?

“Another finger, Ryan?” asked Marty.

Ryan wasn’t sure what he meant until Marty reached out and tapped his empty glass. “Oh,” he laughed. “Sure.”

Marty gave him another generous helping of the Highland Park 25, two fingers at least, and leaned toward him. “You let me know if you need anything.”

Ryan took comfort in that. “I will.”

“Anything,” he reinforced. “It can be overwhelming.”

“I think I’m good so far. Overwhelming, yeah,” he thought about Annabelle. “It’s all good. Just a lot of new.”

“Of course.”

“My love!” called Jeff, as a dark haired woman with deep red lips glided up to the bar. “Let me introduce Ryan!” Jeff pointed toward him. “I’m helping entertain his wife Jennifer. This is Julianne.”

Julianne leaned forward and pressed a light kiss on Ryan’s cheek. “Having a good time, Ryan?”

He gave in to temptation and looked Julianne up and down. He was this woman’s type? “Never better,” he said.

Jennifer also looked entranced as Julianne turned to her. “Your wife is gorgeous. You, Jennifer, are gorgeous.”

“Thank you,” said Jennifer.

Julianne leaned forward to give her a kiss on the cheek, but neither of them turned their head. “May I?” she whispered when she got very close. Jennifer answered by kissing her lips.

“Wonderful,” said Julianne when it ended.

“Yes, it was,” whispered Jennifer.

Amanda reappeared, leaning into the bar next to Glen.

“Hey, darlin’” said Marty.

“I need to borrow Jeff for a while.” She leaned in and whispered in his ear.

He grinned and said, “Absolutely.” He stood, “Mind if Julianne comes?”

“Mind?” asked Amanda, a devilish grin on her face. “I practically insist.”

“So very glad to have met you,” said Jeff. “We must talk before the night is out!”

“Yeah,” laughed Glen. “Talk.”

“Great to meet you, too!” said Jennifer. “And yes. Must.”

Julianne ran her fingers through Ryan’s hair. “I trust you’ll be… around?”

He nodded.

“Oh, Glen,” said Amanda. “Magdalena was asking about you. Said if I saw you, to tell you to check your phone.”

Glen thanked her and pulled his phone out as the trio disappeared upstairs. Ryan watched Julianne go, hoping he’d get to see her again. Turning back to the bar and Jennifer, he caught a glimpse of Glen’s phone and an image of three people in what appeared to be an oral sex triangle.

“That’s enough to summon me,” said Glen, when he noticed Ryan looking. He stood.

Marty had moved down the bar to talk with the introspective couple at the end. Ryan sat next to Jennifer as Glen vanished upstairs.

He smiled at his wife, she smiled back. “Doing okay?”

She nodded, a blissful smile on her face. After a moment she poked Ryan. He narrowed his eyes at her. What? She jerked her head toward him and made her eyes big. She was definitely trying to insinuate something.

“What?” he asked.

“They’re talking about us,” she said.

He glanced over, and saw the couple at the other end of the bar smile at them and talk to each other. Ryan didn’t look away, and after a moment he saw them look back up and smile again.

34

The hot tub sat, surprisingly empty, on the south patio next to the house. Four walls of screens and a roof formed a partial enclosure that hid it from the outside world. Not that hiding was necessary, since all that could see the tub were some of the closer trees wrapped with twinkle lights. Jennifer looked out at the forest with a smile, then turned back to Ryan.

“Sometimes it seems rather,” he searched for the word, “obvious?”

The other man nodded, taking in every word Ryan said. “Like sharks.”

They seemed nice, the couple from the other end of the bar. Vince, the husband, had made an adorably nervous and winking show of, “Can I buy you a drink?” The fact that Marty had already left gave him only a moment’s pause before pulling himself up to look over the bar. “I’m happy to announce I’ve found Bailey’s Irish Cream.”

Ryan had laughed and pulled himself over. “In addition to the Highland that I would not come near without Marty pouring, we seem to have a honey bourbon, Jameson, and… well, I’ll be damned, Cinnabon vodka.”

“Seriously?” asked Kendra, Vince’s partner.

The foursome had pondered that for a moment, then poured shots all around. The vodka did in fact taste vaguely like a cinnamon roll. After another round of shots, they quickly got down to the nitty-gritty conversation.

“How long have you been doing this?” asked Jennifer.

“Less than a year,” said Kendra, “Does it show?”

Jennifer laughed. “Well, you’ve got at least a few months on us.”

Vince had looked impressed. “Then is this your first time—”

“At one of these? Yeah.”

The couples nodded at each other for a while. When the silence drew long, Jennifer had suggested, “I’ve been curious about going to see the hot tub.”

“We didn’t bring any swimsu—” Kendra stopped herself. “Sorry, forgot where I was.”

They’d been pleased to find the hot tub empty. The party inside had seemed sparse, but more moaning had been coming through closed doors. Jennifer assumed the bacchanal was in full bloom.

Each of them put fingers and hands in the water, commenting about how warm it felt. Jennifer smiled at the couple, taking a moment to drink them in. Kendra cut a curvy figure, her dark hair short and in a ponytail. Vince was a bit lanky, his hairline receding, but turning a pleasing salt and pepper as it did.

She found herself wondering, yearning to see, what they had under their clothes. Presumably that was why they were at the party, after all, to get naked with other people. She knew that the delay, the awkwardness, was a matter of each of them waiting, hoping for someone else to drop the first article of clothing. Spring was coming, sure, but the temperature tonight had still dipped into the twenties. The blue shimmering water looked inviting as the steam climbed skyward.

This could be her time. To lead. To show everybody what she had, both physically and emotionally. To lead by example.

“Well, I’m getting in.” Jennifer reached down, grabbed the lower hem of her dress and pulled it over her head. She noted Ryan’s surprise, and surprised looks, coupled with appreciation, on Vince and Kendra’s faces. She shivered as a gust of wind blew across her vulva, exposed to the outdoors for the first time sans pubic hair. She felt the goosebumps rise on her arms. Off came the bra and shoes, and she slid into the water.

So very warm. Heavenly.

Jennifer turned toward the three still standing outside the tub, looking at her. She folded her arms on the side, rested her chin on her arm, and asked, “Well, who’s next?”

Ryan hopped awkwardly, untying his shoes.

A questioning moment between Vince and Kendra, and Jennifer was unsure if her gambit had worked. But then Vince pulled a chair over from the patio set and removed his shirt.

“You don’t mind me watching, do you?” asked Jennifer.

“Oh,” Vince laughed. “Not at all.”

She beamed as she noticed them making a bit of a seductive show of taking off their clothes. Kendra’s large breasts and curved belly cut a striking Rubenesque figure that Jennifer quite appreciated. She lamented the pain of her own waxing experience as noted the woman’s full bush. But her smile deepened with a glimpse of Vince’s long and uncircumcised flaccid penis. She actually heard herself think Yum! Yum to the both of them. She felt momentarily embarrassed by that, the objectification of these bodies. But then she thought back to the basement, to how wonderful that had felt. After all, what was a bit of objectification between friends?

“Yum,” she allowed out loud.

Both Vince and Kendra smiled as they climbed into the tub. Sharing the appreciation for the bodies, now looking forward to getting to know the minds. Ryan climbed in last, and Jennifer was pleased to see their eyes watching him as well.

When talk turned to feeling like newbies at an event like this, Ryan and Vince bonded. “The one guy asked my permission to kiss her,” said Ryan.

“Yeah, that seems to be a thing,” Vince allowed.

Kendra nodded. “I don’t think it’s as sexist as it might seem. It’s a bit of deference learned from monogamy.” When the sentence quieted the conversation, she added, “I’m a sex therapist.”

Ryan laughed. “Are you studying this from within? Like Jane Goodall?”

She laughed. “Actually, our first bit of exploration was checking out a bar meet-up that one of my colleagues mentioned. And maybe, sorta, at the beginning, I might have been taking mental notes.”

“And tonight?” asked Jennifer.

“Totally off book.” Kendra winked at her. “But, what I recognized is that, in a lot of parts of this swinger subculture, so much learned behavior trails over from monogamy. The reason guys ask the guys first to kiss the girls is because they’d get socked in the nose, in the real world,” she punctuated the phrase with air quotes, “if they asked the woman first. I don’t think any of them believe the men hold the keys, they’re just… maybe gun shy.”

“I’ve certainly been guilty of the same,” said Vince. “And believe me, I hold no illusions about the consent pecking order.”

“So,” said Ryan. “How do you two, uh, do this?”

“We were actually talking about that at the bar tonight,” Vince replied, then looked to Kendra. Jennifer read the gesture as a question, Vince asking his wife where they should take this conversation.

It made Jennifer feel good, that she and Ryan had chosen a great and thoughtful couple to go off with. Maybe, if things were right, they could have some fun with these too, instead of just fucking someone random to prove they weren’t riding the Shepards’ coattails anymore.

Kendra nodded and took the reins. “Well, we’ll immediately admit that we run a lot more in swing theory than swing practice. But if you’re asking us what we might like to do tonight… we’re soft swap, so oral is fine, but penetrative sex is only for partners. How about you?”

Feeling suddenly saucy, Jennifer leaned toward them and put her hand on Vince’s knee. “Are you asking what we want to do with you tonight?”

Kendra smiled. “I think that’s implied.”

“We do full swap with sex, but are happy to stick with whatever the comfort level of the room is.” Ryan smiled.

Vince pointed back and forth between them. “Straight, bi?”

“Straight,” said Ryan.

Jennifer realized she hadn’t ever considered her orientation. “Huh,” she said.

Kendra slid closer to her, perhaps sensing the questioning nature. “What would you have considered yourself pre-swinging?”

“Straight,” said Jennifer.

“Yet now you’re—”

“Not,” said Jennifer.

“Works for me,” said Kendra with a smile. “Vince is straight, too, like so many men in this lifestyle.” She leaned in, “Though I have my questions about some of that. But that’s a story for another time. And I’m not straight shaming, I assure you.”

Ryan just nodded.

“Myself, I’d say, probably bi-flexible?” She seemed to consider it again in the moment, to be sure. “I like to think I’m evolving on the issue, and really, I want to emphasize here that we’ve been with a grand total of three couples in around ten months…”

“We’ve been with one,” said Jennifer, suddenly self-conscious.

“Okay, so we’re all still exploring!” proclaimed Kendra. “Striking out to see what we like and don’t. Why cut ourselves off from anything? But do I crave it? Not really.”

“I do,” said Jennifer, feeling that pang of loss, the vision of Paige.

“Well, if you’re interested in me,” said Kendra, then turned to Ryan, “because it’d be the very height of hubris to assume such things,” then back to Jennifer, “I’m certainly on board to go a round or two. With both of you.”

All four of them smiled wide, looking back and forth. As the pause grew ever more pregnant, they realized that, much like with the nudity, they were all waiting for someone else to sew this thing up right.

“It appears the motion carries,” said Ryan. “Shall we look for a room? Or see how this plays out right here?”

Again, the back and forth looks. Kendra and Vince nodded to each other. Jennifer could see their communication; they were much better at the silent talk than she’d ever been.

“Can I sit here?” asked Kendra, pointing to the seat between Ryan and Jennifer.

They nodded. As Vince moved next to Jennifer, he tapped the button on the side of the tub, turning the jets back on. She realized she hadn’t noticed they’d stop, but the impressive roar suggested it had been quite a while ago, and the four of them had become used to the quiet.

He put his arm around Jennifer and kissed up her shoulder to her neck. She shivered from both the air and his warm breath. She reached her hand out to Kendra’s leg and put it above the knee. When Kendra took her hand, she felt validated. When her hand was pulled up Kendra’s thigh, and she felt the light caress of that patch of black curly hair, the pulse of lust thrummed within her.

The kissing on both sides grew in intensity, with the girls moving back and forth between the guys and each other. Jennifer made a mental note that the kisses with Kendra, while passionate and lovely, seemed a touch more perfunctory. This must be the bi-flexible part coming into play.

Before the jets needed to be renewed again, fingers and hands worked for their lives, all four of them both giving and receiving the accelerating delights of hands-on sexual pleasure. Kendra arched her back with the first orgasm of the encounter. Soon after, Ryan joined her, standing up and ejaculating over the side, into the grass.

“Sorry,” he said as he sat back down.

Kendra shook her head and moved closer to him, kissing. “I’m sure our lovely hosts will appreciate that you didn’t come in the water.”

Vince, in between deep breaths, added, “I’m told it messes with the filter. Semen, I mean. It—”

He stopped as Jennifer’s orgasm began to roll and she grabbed Vince’s wrist, holding his hand stationary, riding the wave until it broke on the shore.

“And you seem ready to go again,” said Kendra, as she took Ryan’s stiffening cock in her hand.

Jennifer’s stroking intensified and she looked into Vince’s face as he closed his eyes. She wrapped her hands around his thighs and lifted him out of the buoyant water, taking a long look at his impressive cock before opening her mouth.

She tapped the button to restart the jets after he finished.

35

Wearing plush turquoise robes, Ryan and Jennifer returned to the basement bar. The robes had come from hooks near the door out to the hot tub, offered up by a sign bearing the words, “Go forth in comfort, help yourselves.”

Like the hot tub, the bar had been abandoned in favor of other pursuits. With new confidence, Ryan ignored the alcohol at hand, moving instead behind the bar to explore what was available. Thrilled to discover the makings of the pineapple upside-down cake martini, Jennifer’s favorite drink, he whipped up two of them before returning to the civilian side.

He smiled at his wife in the mirror across the bar. Her wet hair clung to her face, now mostly devoid of makeup. She looked beautiful, but more importantly, she looked happy. “Reinvigorated?”

She gave him an emphatic nod.

“Me too,” he said.

They toasted with the drinks. “To new friends,” she said.

“To new friends,” he returned with a giddy laugh.

After their hot tub tryst, their new friends Vince and Kendra — the de Martolos, they’d learned – had discovered that the hour had gotten late, crossing eleven.

“We actually only intended to come for a couple drinks,” Kendra had said. “Didn’t expect to, you know…”

“Connect?” offered Ryan.

“Yeah.”

“Because of that fact,” added Vince, “we unfortunately negotiated an early night with our sitter.”

“Aw, bummer,” said Jennifer.

“Might you both,” Vince had begun, then held for a moment and rethought. “I think we’d be interested in seeing you two again. How might you feel about it?”

“We’d be into that.”

“They’re pretty cool,” Jennifer told Ryan at the bar, sipping her drink. “And so are we!”

“Yeah,” he agreed. “You initiated the hell out of that.”

They clinked their drinks again.

“Who needs Bruce and Paige?” he asked.

The mention of the names brought the revelry down, but only for a moment.

“Are you tired, or up for more fun?” she asked.

Ryan flipped his robe open, revealing his hard cock.

She nodded. “That’s an answer.”

“I’m just getting started,” he said. “I mean, we thankfully don’t have children at home, or a sitter, to pull us away.”

“Yeah,” Jennifer agreed, “that was sucky.”

“Don’t you two look comfortable!”

Ryan turned to see Glen coming down the stairs, clad in black boxer briefs and nothing else. His formerly well-combed hair gave the distinct impression of a hand-combing fix.

“We were in the hot tub!” said Jennifer, turning toward Glen to welcome him back to the bar.

The look on Jennifer’s face was glee. Here came the more fun she’d asked about and hoped for.

Ryan’s impression was a bit lower. Nice, perhaps, polite to his face. He had called him Randy before, too.

“I hope you’re having a good time,” said Glen, directing the question at Ryan.

“Great time,” said Ryan.

Glen held up his hand, palm out. After a moment’s hesitation, Ryan slapped him five. “These parties are the best of all of them. I’ve been to big and small, been to some like in that movie, you know with the masks and…” he held his hand over his nose and pulled out, miming the exaggerated features of the commedia dell’arte masks from Eyes Wide Shut. “But Marty and Amanda throw the best of all of them. Mostly because of the people they invite.”

Halfway through that sentence, Glen had reconfigured his stance, moving from aiming his conversation at Ryan to smiling down at Jennifer. Ryan parsed his feelings. What was this reaction? What was he feeling? Jealousy? Dislike of Glen? Did he have a reason to dislike Glen at all? Or was it only the Randy thing. Because if that was it, reasoned Ryan, then that was really nothing at all.

After all, Bruce and Paige had vouched for this place, these people. Maybe not the individual couples, people, but Ryan had gotten the feeling that their hosts wouldn’t invite just anybody. He trusted Glen that far.

He watched as Glen ran his fingers up Jennifer’s terrycloth-clad arm.

Ryan leaned toward them, resting his arm on the bar. He wasn’t inserting himself between them, but he made sure he would be a more obvious fixture in the conversation. “We met Vince and Kendra de Martolos.”

“Oh man,” said Glen. “Those two are great!”

Ryan felt the surprise cross his face but tried not to let it show more than a moment. He’d admittedly not known Vince and Kendra long at all, but their straightforward attitudes suggested good judgment. He relaxed a little, let his shoulders drop. He watched his wife and Glen hold an exceptionally long moment of eye contact.

Movement behind the bar called his attention, and to his delight, he found himself watching Julianne shake a drink in the cocktail shaker. She wore a sky blue kimono, with a pastoral scene on the back, draped over her slender frame.

When she noticed him looking, she smiled and winked. “Hello again,” she said.

“Hi!” said Ryan.

With finesse, Julianne flipped two more traditional martini glasses up on the bar top, not the enormous monstrosities that he’d selected for his and Jennifer’s drinks. His face reddened as she poured a simple vodka martini into each, followed by two olives. She leaned forward over the bar toward him. “Your lovely is getting along famously with Glen, isn’t she?”

He nodded, looking over only briefly, before returning his gaze to her dark eyes.

“And how are you doing?”

“Better, now,” he said. “Happy to see you again.”

“The feeling is mutual.” She slid her martinis out of the way. “How about a kiss?”

The giddy thrill took him. After all, he was apparently this woman’s type. Her type. He leaned in and kissed her. The kiss moved slower than Kendra’s had, a long time with mouths closed, lifting, lingering, pressing, an inhalation of breath from each other’s mouths, the running of tongues along lips and against each other. Her hand found his hair again and the passion intensified. For a flash that could’ve lasted no more than a few seconds, but felt like minutes, Ryan was lost in her. Faces pushed together, angles finding and losing themselves.

When they separated, Julianne pressed her forehead to his, grabbing hold of the hair at the back of his head.

“Unf,” said Julianne. “I’m frightfully sorry, Ryan, but I have somewhere I must deliver these martinis.”

He sighed, catching it halfway through to reduce its volume and impact. She smiled, and he hoped perhaps he’d managed to make it sound like a cute, yearning sigh, instead of one of disappointment.

“Will you be around, though?” she asked, loosening her grip on his hair and sliding back behind the bar.

He nodded.

“I would like to have a drink with you, tonight, if you’re up for it.”

Ryan was indeed up for it. His imagination drifted, his hands running up under that kimono, sliding across her body as she untied his robe and was presented with his chemically-enhanced member.

She lifted the two martinis and came around the bar, stopping in front of him. She tilted her head back slightly, turning her neck to him, eyes asking him to nibble. With ferocity, he planted a solid kiss on her neck, then brought his teeth together. He felt her gasp as his teeth slid across her skin. He was careful, though. They were adults, after all, who couldn’t very well show up with hickeys tomorrow.

Not suitable in the real world.

After another few nibbles up and down her neck, he planted a kiss on her lips.

“To be continued,” said Julianne.

“Indeed,” agreed Ryan.

While Ryan was sharing his time with Julianne, Jennifer was losing her words amid the eye contact with Glen. On this closer inspection, she realized he actually didn’t resemble that quarterback all that much. Broad strokes had allowed for the feeling, a general swaggering similarity. This Glen was far more attractive than the other had ever been, Jennifer decided.

“So what are we doing here?” he asked her.

“I don’t know what to call that,” breathed Jennifer.

Glen smiled and lifted her chin with his index finger, their lips met, a long, soft kiss.

“That either,” said Jennifer when it ended.

“Perhaps ‘What do we want to do here?’ is a more valuable question to ask just now.”

Jennifer straightened up in her chair. She felt unmoored. She reached down to her barstool, grabbing for any semblance of stability. She and Ryan hadn’t talked about being with a single person, only couples. She knew that Glen had a partner somewhere upstairs, but she had the distinct feeling that his question was really inviting a situation with only the two of them. She wasn’t certain, but he didn’t seem to be suggesting a threesome.

She threw a quick glance at Ryan, hoping for some insight into his thoughts. He and Julianne were leaning over the bar toward each other, lost in a simple kiss growing more complex. Her gaze returned to the man in front of her, and his deep brown eyes filled her field of view.

He kissed her again. “I’m not trying to put any pressure on you here.”

“I know,” she said, little more than a whisper.

“But I’m into you,” he said. “And I don’t think it’s a stretch to conclude that you’re into me as well.”

“It’s not,” she said.

“Good.” He smiled. “So what…” he kissed her forehead. “Are we…” he kissed the tip of her nose. “Doing here?” he finished his tour with another deep kiss on her lips, bringing his right hand up to caress her cheek. She felt her eyelids flutter and close as he began to kiss down her neck.

She heard herself say, “I don’t know,” and then immediately tried to replace it with, “I want to,” and found a “but…” at the end of her sentence.

He stopped and put his hands on hers, settled in her lap.

“What can I do?” he asked.

“Let me talk to Ryan?” she said, opening her eyes again, the world swimming hazily.

“Absolutely,” he said. “I’ll go upstairs and get some wine. Will you join, if all is well?”

She nodded, and after a last kiss, watched him go upstairs. A moment later, Julianne followed, carrying two martinis.

Jennifer turned to Ryan, who gave her a similar dazed look. “Hey,” she said.

“Hey,” he replied.

“How would you feel,” she began and paused, reaching out and putting her hands on his, “about me going upstairs with Glen?”

He blinked for a moment. “I think that’d be okay.”

“Yeah?” she asked, searching for more to read in his expression.

Ryan thought about it. The twinges of jealousy he’d felt toward Glen swam in his mind: the man’s physique, his confidence, his way with women, with Jennifer. Jennifer going off alone with him. The corners of Ryan’s mouth turned downward. Then his thoughts drifted to Julianne, and to what might follow those three words, “To be continued.”

How would he want Jennifer to respond, should he ask her that same question? He ran the scenario in his mind. Julianne had just asked him to come upstairs, and he asked Jennifer how she would feel about him going upstairs. In his mind, she smiled and kissed him, telling him that he should do whatever made him most happy.

This was a plunge, wasn’t it? The deep end’s seemingly endless fathoms stretched deeper and deeper ahead.

“Yeah,” he repeated. “I want you to do whatever makes you most happy.”

A look of serenity and love glowed across Jennifer’s face. “You’re wonderful,” she said.

“You’d do the same for me,” he replied.

She nodded and kissed him.

“Just check on me,” he said as she moved to the stairs. “Okay?”

“Of course,” she said, rushing back and kissing him again.

Then Ryan sat alone at the bar, feeling the throb of anticipation, the warmth of fantasy, imagining laying Julianne down right on the bar, kissing and licking her with wild abandon.

He hoped Jennifer would have a good time.

He hoped he would, too.

36

Two ten-foot-long buffet tables lined one side of the dining room. Jennifer looked down them. First twenty or so bottles of wine, then small hors d’oeuvres and finger foods, ending in row after row of bottles of water. She nodded, impressed by how well-appointed this play party buffet was.

Two couples and a single woman mingled in the room, picking up bottle after bottle of wine to read the label before deciding.

Jennifer nibbled her lip.

“What’s the verdict?” asked Glen, appearing behind her.

She turned to him and took a deep breath. “We’re, um, good.”

“Excellent,” said Glen with a grin.

Jennifer felt flustered, as though she didn’t belong. She had no idea how to start things here, or if she ought to. Should there be drinks first? Or did downstairs count? Would she be a whore if she just fucked this beautiful man on a sofa in the great room? She finally decided just to ask. “So, how does this work? Do we just go off into a room?”

“What would make you happy?” he replied.

Big question, that. What would make her happy? She realized how rarely she’d considered the question. What she wanted. What she needed. Ryan knew what she liked and so didn’t really ask. Bruce and Paige had known all the tricks, so they had suggested things, and she had jumped on the train. All that aside, since she’d first seen Glen, she’d wanted to jump him. Not in a sweet and loving way, no, this was a desire to really let loose and fuck him, the way she’d always wanted that quarterback. There again, she questioned the legitimacy of her interest in him, was this somehow unethical?

“You remind me of someone I knew in college,” she blurted out.

Glen smiled.

“He was also named Glen.”

“And did you ever… do anything with this Glen?”

She shook her head.

His grin widened. “Did you want to?”

After a moment, she nodded.

“Do you want to pretend I’m him?”

Amazing, she thought. He was entirely unfazed, willing to just go with it. Of course, she considered, just going with it might get him what he wanted, an opportunity to play with her. Did it matter, she wondered? Didn’t everyone have their own reasons and methods and plans? So what if two people were just using each other, if everybody was getting what they want out of it?

“That wouldn’t be weird for you?” she asked.

He shook his head, then leaned over so his mouth was right by her ear. The stubble on his cheek scratched against her and sent shivers down her spine. “You feel free to tell me if I’m overstepping here, but I always regretted not telling you that I wanted you back at school.”

That deep voice. Her eyelids fluttered.

“And I don’t care that we’re surrounded by people, I just want to take you upstairs, find someplace secluded, yank open that robe, and fuck you.”

“Yes,” she whispered. “Let’s… do exactly that.”

She grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the room.

When Ryan wandered upstairs to the buffet room, maybe twenty minutes later, he found it empty. He’d gone from alone at the basement bar to alone at the buffet. He nodded. Figures.

His head swam from the very heavy pour of the Highland Park 25 he’d helped himself to, after it had become apparent that no one would soon be coming downstairs to join him. After that, though, he’d decided he ought not have more of the Highland. Too good to waste when he was already… tipsy, right? This was tipsy. He’d decided to wander and explore.

He poked through the bottles of wine, wishing that someone was around, even Bruce, to tell him which bottle he should drink, what was good. He knew one thing, he hadn’t seen these labels at the grocery store. Could probably just close his eyes and grab. Whatever he chose would be exceptional. After a while, he grabbed a bottle from the reds and poured himself a very deep glass of Pinot Noir.

Jeff swept into the room, making a beeline right for a row of red bottles in the back. “I see you have taken advantage of the most comfortable robes. Excellent!” he said, noticing Ryan.

“Yes,” he said, “I hope that was alright.”

Jeff nodded. “Marty and Amanda are all about the amenities. Their casa es su casa!”

“Awesome. We had a lovely time in the hot tub with some new friends.” He realized he’d framed it as a brag. Perhaps he was hoping to impress Jeff, perhaps to make him jealous. Ryan didn’t quite know, but he gulped down some of his Pinot.

Jeff didn’t seem to notice or care about any edge in Ryan’s comment and smiled. “Successful first party, then?”

Ryan bobbed his head in a nod that lasted one beat longer than it should have before he reigned it in. “Absolutely.”

“You’re good people,” said Jeff, clapping Ryan on the shoulder. “Maybe Julianne and I could get together with you and your wife sometime?”

Ryan nodded. “Yes, absolutely!”

“Anyway, I’ve been summoned by the beautiful Miss Saundra, so I’ve got to make this wine run the very definition of haste.”

“Who’s Miss Saundra?” asked Ryan.

“She’ a goddess, my friend. Sixty-four, been in the lifestyle since 1973, when they still called it wife swapping. A legend.” Jeff took an extra moment, where he appeared to be sizing Ryan up, put his hand back on Ryan’s shoulder, and offered, “You be good, now,” followed by a wink.

“You know it,” said Ryan, and Jeff whisked two glasses of wine back out of the room.

Ryan took his own glass and wandered, appreciating the amazing house as he did. The impression of emptiness vanished as he neared every alcove or room. In a corner nook in the hall, a man with his pants around his ankles humped a woman, her legs wrapped around his back, gleaming red heels shining in the overhead light. An open door led to a den, where he saw Amanda wearing a cock and harness, fucking a gagged woman bent over doggy style, grasping the edge of a large wooden desk.

Given the sheer number of bedrooms upstairs, Ryan wondered why anyone would feel the need or desire to get head in the hallway. Or, as he glanced into a room at the end of the hall, atop the washing machine and dryer, where a pair of women lay, inverted toward each other in a sixty-nine.

Ryan discovered his glass was disappointingly empty. Better get a refill before the tour continued.

“Hi again!” The cheerful voice snagged Ryan’s attention as he passed an open door. He turned and saw Annabelle standing in the doorway, a hand on each side of the door jam. He made a point to remain focused on her eyes, difficult when the twenty-something was nude except for a pair of black and white platform heel saddle shoes. Her nipples were pierced.

“Hi,” he said. He held her eyes. The slight waver in his stance gave away nothing.

Annabelle’s grin became a smirk. She leaned out of the doorway, still extending her long arms to the edges of the opening. “You can look at my body, I don’t mind.” She told him. “I really actually like it.”

She widened her grin as Ryan looked her up and down. Her hair had been tied in long pigtails extending down to her lovely breasts, small and perky. Her vulva was pink and engorged. His once-over told him one thing: she’d had a lot of sex tonight.

“Now that I’ve shown you mine, can I see yours?” She reached out and grabbed the tie on Ryan’s robe, holding it firmly.

He looked down at her hand. Why not? he thought. He nodded and kept his head down, watching as Annabelle untied the robe and pulled the sides apart. His cock, which had spent much of this journey tenting the robe, seemed positively thrilled to have been let out, and it throbbed toward Annabelle.

She grinned. “Can I touch it?” she asked, reaching out, pausing moments before closing her hand around it. He gave her a single nod. He would’ve said no if he hadn’t wanted her to, wouldn’t he? And she would’ve stopped, right? Ryan blinked back the thoughts as Annabelle stroked his cock. He remembered that just moments ago he’d been wondering why anybody would do these things in the hallway, and not in a—

“Want to come in the room with us?” she asked him, flicking her other thumb in the direction of the room behind her. She gave his penis a playful squeeze that sent a shudder of pleasure up and down Ryan’s body, radiating outward from that point.

“Us?” The word rang in his head.

“Oh!” Annabelle laughed. “Doug, my boyfriend, and Ravi, and Gerald, and…” she paused, her eyes drifting up and left. “And Eric. We were going to just go for a DVP airtight, but with you here we could go all the way for a double-double-airtight!”

He jerked away from her hand, purely on instinct. Annabelle’s smile faltered as he stammered. “No, uh, I mean.” Ryan began, then shook his head to clear the Etch A Sketch and start over. “I appreciate the offer, but, I, uh—”

“Doug says that it feels like nothing else! ’Cuz your cock is rubbing against another cock in a really warm pussy.” She grinned. “Or my ass.”

Ryan grabbed the sides of his robe and pulled them closed. “I don’t think it’s really my thing,” he said as he tied the robe shut. “And I need to find my wife,” he added, hoping that’d be enough of a conversation ender so he could walk away. So he wouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable. So he wouldn’t have to question how unfair he was being by judging how many men that girl was fucking tonight.

“Oh,” sulked Annabelle, “Alright.”

He stepped back and away from the room. After a moment, Annabelle turned toward the bed. Shapes in the dim light resolved into four naked men. When she leapt onto the bed, they climbed on top of her. Fingers, hands, penises, tongues everywhere.

He needed another glass of wine.

37

Refilled wine glass in hand, Ryan stepped into the great room. A nude woman with silver hair sat alone on the couch, a blissful smile on her face, her eyes focused on something he couldn’t see. He moved deeper into the room, stepping down two stairs. On the floor of the recessed area, surrounded by the enormous sectional couch, he saw what she was watching. A man, perhaps in his fifties, lay on his back, legs up. The man’s playmate, a much younger woman, knelt on the floor between his legs, moving her hips rhythmically.

Ryan wasn’t quite sure what it was he was seeing and stepped closer curiously. Both of the woman’s hands were on the man’s legs, helping to hold them up. The man was stroking his flaccid penis. Ryan moved closer to the woman on the couch, still trying to make sense of this scene. From her vantage point, he saw the woman on the floor wore a black and red leather harness, a purple dildo jutting out from her pelvis. The dildo slid in and out of the man in a fluid motion as he moaned.

He’d never seen that before. Everything that was going on around the house, the orgies, the oral sex, plenty of things he’d never seen in person before, but this was something he’d never even seen in porn. “Wow,” he said, louder than he’d intended. His wow emphasized how uncharacteristically quiet the room was.

The man on the floor opened his eyes and looked at Ryan. He grinned. “Damn right, wow.”

“Have you ever had your prostate stimulated?” asked the silver haired woman on the couch.

He looked at her. “I had an exam about a year ago. But it was only mild prostatitis.” He blinked. Don’t share your medical history, that’s not sexy!

She smiled back at him. “Well, that’s good to hear.”

“I highly recommend being pegged,” said the man on the floor, closing his eyes and throwing his head back with a moan.

Intrigue. That was the feeling coursing through him. At the same time, though, he felt like he was intruding on this scene, this silver-haired woman with the contented smile, watching another woman fuck her husband, make him moan.

Somewhere in this house, Ryan’s wife was getting fucked by another man. Could he sit across from them and smile a similar contented smile?

Could he derive pleasure from her pleasure? Without being touched himself?

He wasn’t sure, and the uncertainty made him slip back out of the room as the man’s moans grew louder, echoing off the windows and high ceiling.

He needed to find her. Perhaps to prove to himself that he could watch, because the creeping doubt had grabbed him by the throat. A refill stop at the buffet, this time a Cabernet. Up the stairs, toward the countless rooms full of passion and ecstasy. Moans and cries built as he reached the landing. The sound of skin slapping together, an echoing thud here and there, the cries of men and women, low and high moans, repetition of words, yes, oh god. Catholic for two decades before he’d lost the faith, Ryan wondered what his old God might have made of all this.

Could it be a form of praise?

A moan crescendoed out of the first room, the door ajar. Ryan swayed and grasped for the banister, then the rail at the landing. He put both his hands on the rail and looked out over the foyer. Just breathe, he told himself, in through the nose, out through the mouth. The spinning slowed, the world snapped back into focus.

He stood before the open door. A candle flickered on the bedside table. A threesome undulated in the bed. Two women kissed over a man lying prone, one of them bouncing on his cock, the other sitting on his face. Another door was closed, but Ryan paused for a moment near it. Inside he heard a slap, then a thud, then a moan.

Muffled, a woman asked, “You like that, don’t you?”

Muffled more, choked back as if through a gag, a male voice replied, “Yes, Mistress.”

The next door hung open just a crack. He peered inside. His wife knelt on the bed, mouth around Glen’s cock, his hands on the back of her head. She doesn’t like that, Ryan announced into the room without opening his mouth. He heard her gag, then Glen pulled her head back. Jennifer gasped and looked up at him.

“What do you want?” he asked, intense.

“Fuck me,” whispered Jennifer.

His intensity mounted. “What do you want?”

Jennifer repeated, louder, more forcefully. “Fuck me.”

“What do you say?”

A beat. “Please fuck me.”

“Good girl.”

Glen flipped her over and threw her down on the bed. She could hear the rustle and rip, then the subtle unrolling, then his knees were on either side of her thighs and he slid inside her. He was smaller than Ryan, and Bruce, for that matter, but his speed was intense. As his speed built, his torso slapped against her ass, getting louder and stronger, the intensity building.

She’d said please, and by god he was giving her what she’d asked for. As the orgasmic wave rose, she turned her head, resting it on the incredibly soft sheets. The room brightened, whoever had been in the doorway stepping away to view another show.

Hearing her climax must’ve triggered Glen, because his grunting turned to near shouts, and with a few more thrusts he collapsed on top of her. His chest against her back, his arms on either side of her. His cheek against hers. Slowing breaths. His cock softening inside her until she felt it pop back out. The sensation set off another wave of tremors and she heard him say, “Yeah? That sounds good,” as the tremors rose and then fell, though his voice was far away.

Big night, wasn’t it? thought Jennifer.

Glen rolled off of her onto his back. “I’ll be right back,” he whispered. She nodded without looking. Light filled the room behind her and she heard the whir of the bathroom exhaust fan. The light was extinguished again as he closed the door.

Jennifer rolled onto her back and stared up at the ceiling fan, spinning lazily above. She wondered if Ryan was having a good time. Tonight was their reinvention, after all. Minor setbacks had come and gone, but this path felt right. Tonight, to have kissed several people, made out with some, given and received some wonderful oral sex, and gotten a thorough if not terribly impressive fucking just now… Well, big night didn’t quite cover it, did it? Her vulva throbbed. Next time maybe the wax could happen a few days before a party. Or not at all.

Glen had given her the encounter with Glen the Quarterback she’d always wanted, intense, rough, dominant. She sensed he’d have no issue at all if she went off to find more fun. He’d gotten what he needed, and she’d gotten the same. The question of whether there really needed to be more than that surprised her. Sometimes, often, yes, more was desirable. Required, even.

“Do you say thank you?” she asked Glen when he returned from the bathroom.

The intimidating demeanor and jockish attitude turned to deference immediately. “Thank you,” he said.

She laughed and shook her head. “No, I was asking.”

“If I say thank you,” he said, puzzled.

“If etiquette dictates…” Jennifer rolled her hand in the air, indicating he ought to follow the train.

“Oh!” He followed it. “Well, did you enjoy yourself?” he asked, lying on the bed next to her.

“Very much,” she told him.

“I wouldn’t hate hearing the words.” His smile, so earnest, so genuine, so eager to please.

She rolled on top of him and kissed him twice, the first light, the second deeper. “Thank you,” she said finally and rolled back off.

“Any time,” he replied. He sat up on the side of the bed and lifted a pair of navy blue boxers off the floor. He stood and slid them on. “And your mister…”

“Ryan.”

“Yes,” he smiled, “I know. He should really meet my missus. Magdalena. I think the four of us could have some great fun together.”

“I don’t doubt that,” she said.

Pulling his shirt over his arms and letting it hang, unbuttoned, Glen leaned down to where Jennifer sat on the bed, kissing her again. “That said, I also wouldn’t say no to getting together with you one-on-one again.”

Jennifer gave him a coy smile. “Wouldn’t say no?”

“I’d be an emphatic yes, happy?”

“Yes.”

Glen asked if he could get her anything, Jennifer declined. He offered to stay with her a while longer, she declined that as well. He said he wanted to see where the elusive Magdalena might be, offered a last kiss that Jennifer happily accepted, and left the room.

She lay naked in the center of a large California King mattress, on the softest sheets she’d ever encountered, smiling up at the ceiling fan.

What a wild night.

38

“I hoped I’d find you again,” said Julianne.

Ryan looked up with a smile.

“Welcome back,” he offered and tipped his nearly empty wine glass toward her before finishing the last mouthful. She watched him lean forward and set it on the table.

“Would you like some company?” she asked, pointing at the couch next to him.

Ryan was sitting on the middle couch of three that made up the front row of the home theater. The screen in front of him had been playing porn when he’d walked in, but by futzing with the buttons on the projector he’d switched it over to another device that now silently played It’s the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown. After looking for a remote and finding none, he’d just resolved to watch.

She pointed at the screen and gave him a quizzical look.

He shrugged.

She moved to the back of the room and stood on her toes. With a click, the screen went dark. Without the blinding pastels of animation casting their light across the room, his eyes adjusted to the dim light of the wall sconces. Much better, he thought.

She returned and sat next to him, no longer wearing the kimono, back in her dress from earlier in the evening. “Is this evening treating you well?”

“Better now,” he said.

“I’d like to kiss you,” she told him. He nodded enthusiastically. She leaned in and gave him a sweet kiss, hands on his face, fingers in his hair. After lingering a while, she sat back. “Thank you for that.”

“Thank you!” he said.

She nodded. They sat in silence for a bit.

“How, uh, how long have you been… in?”

“In the lifestyle?” she asked. “Six years.”

“And how, um, do you like it?”

A wide smile spread across her face. “Love it. Truly. The best decision Jeff and I ever made.”

Ryan squinted his eyes and nodded. After a moment he realized he was still nodding, and focused on stopping. “That’s fantastic.”

“How about you?”

He’d answered this question numerous times tonight, yet the answer still felt surprising. “Only a couple of months.”

“Wow,” said Julianne, patting his terrycloth-covered knee. “You don’t play like newbies.”

Her voice had an edge, a quality, something Ryan couldn’t place. Perhaps he should just follow the thread. “Oh?” was all he could muster. The glare from the sconce on the wall behind her head made it difficult to look directly at her. He leaned back on the couch and squinted.

“Well, separate rooms, separate play. That’s sorta,” she thought about it for a moment. “Varsity level?”

He considered that, then told her, “I’m happy that Jennifer is having a good time,” but he felt mostly like he was trying to convince himself it was true.

“She’s lovely, Ryan.”

“And popular,” he said, smiling, then expelling a rueful, “heh.”

“In a place like this, a woman that sexy? Of course she’s popular.” Julianne had stopped touching his knee.

Of course she’s popular.

It seemed so obvious to him now. Why wouldn’t Jennifer be so popular? Why wouldn’t the guys all want to fuck her? To make her beg for it? “I guess I thought it’d be more… even,” he said quietly.

“The myth of equality,” said Julianne, further away on the couch now. “We all think that, at the beginning.”

“Think what?”

“That it’ll somehow be equal,” she gestured to him. “Even. She gets something, you get something. But unless you’re only playing together, it won’t. Even if you are only playing together, some nights things just won’t happen for one of you.”

She squinted at Ryan again, and her face softened. “I see it like the scales are always slightly imbalanced. But what makes it okay is enjoying that your partner is having a good time, right?”

He blinked.

“Do you enjoy that?” she asked him.

He nodded. He was happy Jennifer was having a good time. She’d been so crushed after things ended with Bruce and Paige. They both had, of course, but she’d taken it especially hard. Maybe this party, he’d thought, would help ease the burn. Because as “over it” as they’d gotten, it still hurt that no one would answer their calls. “I want her to be happy.”

“Good, we all do.”

They sat in silence, Ryan staring at his feet, poking out from beneath the chestnut colored robe. He looked up again. He could do this. And she liked him, right? Let’s do this. He looked around the room.

“Something wrong?” she asked.

“I don’t see the box,” he said and, swaying a bit, stood.

“What box?”

“The condom box,” he replied. He needed them because he didn’t have his pants. He’d left his pants… somewhere. Somewhere when he got into the hot tub. Had he brought them back in? Were they still outside?

“They could be trying to discourage sex in here,” she said.

“I’ll go find some,” Ryan said, lurching forward.

“Oh!” Julianne stood up. “Ryan, wait.” She put her hand on his arm.

“It’s not a big deal,” he said

“Ryan,” she said, more firmly this time.

He turned back to her. Julianne stood an inch taller than him in her heels. She put her hands on both of his arms. “Honey, you’re drunk.”

He recoiled at the thought. “No, just…”

“You’re drunk,” she said again. “And if I’m being honest, it sounds like there’s a lot of other stuff going on with you.”

“So,” he frowned. “So you’re not going to have sex with me?”

The look on her face betrayed her surprise, nearly shock, at the question. “No, Ryan. I’m not.”

“Well that’s just fucking great,” he sat back down.

Why would she have sex with him? Clearly Jennifer was the prize in this fucking stupid fucking cereal box of a marriage. He wasn’t anybody’s type, he was just a guy. “And guys are expendable.”

“What?” she asked, her voice tense. Her hands found her hips.

“We’re just… whatever. It’s all ‘look how sexy you are’ for the girls but for the guys it’s ‘oh hi,’ and ‘I’m not going to have sex with you.’” Ryan knew he ought to reign it in, but that train had left the station.

“Alright,” said Julianne, her jaw set. “I’m going to walk away. But before I do, I think you ought to hear something important.”

She reached out and grabbed his chin.

“One of the most important rules of the lifestyle is that you should never expect anything. No matter what you thought might have been happening between us, you made the mistake of expecting something specific.”

“You told me you wanted to see—”

“And!” she used the word to cut him off. “Even if we’d made specific plans to have sex, Ryan, I could still say no at any time.”

“Sure, why not?” he said, staring at his feet again, a difficult thing to do with her hand holding his face up. “Not like you don’t have a whole supply of other men upstairs…”

She yanked her hand off his face hard enough to make his neck crack. “I’m sorry I kissed you,” she threw at him bitterly and was gone before he looked up.

39

The tall, thin bottle of ice wine caught Jennifer’s eye as she moved down the buffet. That would be the perfect thing after her evening’s fun. She poured herself half a glass and sipped it. Memories danced on the flavors, of meeting Bruce at that Christmas party.

She should check on Ryan. She smiled. With any luck he’d found a beautiful woman and was basking in his own afterglow somewhere. She closed her eyes and took a long sip of the ice wine, letting it cascade over her tongue. Man, they definitely needed to buy some of this stuff for home!

She lifted her hands up and spun away from the table. She crashed almost immediately into Marty, shirtless. “Whoa, there!”

“I’m sorry!” She looked at him, wide eyed. “I’m so sorry!”

He laughed. “No damage done!” he said, then pointed at her glass. “Seems you even kept all of your wine.”

She laughed back. “It’d be a sin to spill anything this good.”

“Indeed!” he said. “You’ve found my favorite evening drink!”

Jennifer made a three-sixty back to the table, lifting a glass toward him. “May I pour some for you?” she asked and winked.

“That’d be lovely, Jennifer,” said Marty. He watched her do a final spin and pour the golden wine into his glass. She made eye contact as she poured, waiting for his “when,” which he gave only after his glass was full. “Are you having a good time?”

“You throw a wonderful party,” she said and poked his chest as she did, flicking a tuft of white hair.

“Thank you,” he replied.

“By any chance have you seen my husband?”

Marty thought about it. “Last I did, he was watching porn in the theater. I know Julianne was headed down there to find him a little while ago.”

“She’s lovely too,” said Jennifer, then felt a bit self-conscious about her seemingly hungry attitude.

“She is indeed.” He held his glass up for Jennifer, they clinked. “Well, madam, I must away.”

“Thank you for the party, and for the wine.” She smiled and watched him leave.

The hallway leading to the home theater was dimly lit, but Jennifer enjoyed dancing in and out of the light being cast by the low sconces. She heard muffled voices in the room and slowed as she approached the door.

“I’d like to kiss you,” said Julianne.

Jennifer watched the sultry woman lean in and kiss her husband. She felt relief well up in her chest. This was good. She and Ryan had fun together, and they could have some fun separately. We can do this. We really can!

“Thank you for that,” said Julianne.

Jennifer slipped back against the wall. If he saw her, he might think that she was checking up on him and get self-conscious, or feel obligated to invite her to join. He should have this to himself. Then, on their way home, they could go over all the wonderful things that had happened tonight.

She made her way up to the great room, empty save a couple making out on the sectional couch. She chose the overstuffed leather love seat and flopped directly in the center. After a moment of enjoying the comfort, she looked down at the belt of her robe. So many people naked around the house at this point, why be clothed? Clothing was for vanilla parties, wasn’t it?

She glanced around, not really sure what she was looking for. More people? Fewer? Regardless, she tugged the loose knot free and opened her body to the room. The firelight from the fireplace danced across her chest. She leaned back her head and closed her eyes.

The scent of the fireplace filled her nose, mingling with candles and the musky bouquet of sex. She’d always been a touch repulsed by the way the bedroom smelled after Ryan and she did it, but this scent was different. It radiated off her as well, like a note in a symphony of sex emitted from the house itself. Intoxicating.

“Since you seem to be basking with an empty glass,” said Bruce, “I thought I’d offer a refill.”

Jennifer opened her eyes and looked up at Bruce, standing next to the couch. His ruby red shirt hung unbuttoned, black undershirt exposed, curly chest hair poking out over the top. He was here and smiling at her. Maybe all was forgiven? She resisted the hope.

“Hey!” she said, and immediately regretted the eagerness in her voice.

“Hey, you,” he said. “It’s Sandeman Aged Tawney Porto. A wonderful addition to a late evening. An experience only improved by chocolate or cigars.” He handed the small glass to her. “Sadly I have neither to offer.”

She took it in both hands. “Thank you,” she said.

“And how are you doing?” he asked.

“Well, I’m doing lovely.”

Bruce smiled wide, a wistful expression on his face. “So it seems,” he told her. He looked down, and away, then sat and folded his hands over his knees. He stared at them for a moment. “So, listen. We, Paige and I, felt bad about how things—”

“No,” Jennifer said. She pressed her hand into his chest. “I should apologize.”

“It’s just… We were sorta surprised by our connection with you both, too. So that night—”

“We’re new at this,” she suggested, hoping he’d be willing to write it off with that.

“Yes,” he agreed. “And enthusiastic.”

She nodded, but tried not to do it enthusiastically.

“Just thought it best to pump the brakes, and then re-acquaint…” he drifted off when Jennifer put her hand high up on his thigh. He looked down and smiled. “Well, hey there, kiddo.”

“Do you have someplace to be?” she asked.

He shook his head.

“Where’s Paige?”

“Paige is,” he smiled, “Otherwise occupied.”

Jennifer stared into Bruce’s smiling face. She felt the rush of the warmth and comfort that exemplified their time with the Shepards. She took a risk, leaned in, kissed him. After a moment, he kissed back.

“Do you play separately?” she asked when the kiss finished.

“Yes,” he replied, seeming surprised by the question. “Do you?”

The emphasis on “you” gave her pause, but the plan moved forward now. Just kick off the jitters and ask for what you want, Jen. “We are tonight.”

Bruce leaned back a bit and cocked his head. “So, Ryan is…”

“Downstairs,” she returned, “with a gorgeous woman named Julianne.”

“Julianne.” He smiled and looked off to the side, clearly enjoying a memory flash. “She’s something.”

“Yes, she is.” Jennifer realized that Bruce wouldn’t make the first move. “Can I tell you something?”

“Sure.”

She looked down, unsure she’d be able to say it with his eyes on her, but wanting to say it, needing to say it. Here went nothing. “I want you to take me in one of those rooms upstairs and fuck me.”

When she looked back up, she saw that Bruce’s eyes had narrowed, just a bit. A sly smile crept across his face as he stared into her, trying to read her. Jennifer felt exposed, she’d just thrown it out there, swung for the fences. Been honest about what she wanted for a change, no hiding behind pretense or anything else. Open.

“Do ya, now?” he asked, affecting a slight drawl.

She nodded. “Very much so.”

He pursed his lips. “And Ryan is—”

“Otherwise occupied,” she said.

Bruce’s eyes didn’t leave her as he took a long, slow sip of his wine. His tongue darted out to clean the purple port from his upper lip, just below his mustache.

Time to seal the deal? Jennifer slid her hand all the way up his thigh, cupping his cock, which seemed to strain against the fabric of his pants. She ran her fingers along its contorted shaft until she got to the spot just below the head and pressed harder, rubbing in a semicircle.

“Jesus,” he said.

“Just me,” she replied.

40

“Julianne left in quite a hurry,” Amanda said from behind the bar as Ryan shuffled in. She looked unhappy.

He waved his hand, blowing off the comment. “Misunderstanding,” he said as he tightened the tie on his robe.

Amanda stared at him for a moment, jaw set. She reached under the bar and produced a bottle of water, setting it down with a thud.

“What’s that for?” asked Ryan.

“Some agua fria,” she snapped at him. “Why don’t you drink it.”

Ryan looked from the bottle, to his host, to the bottle again, then begrudgingly sat at the bar in front of her. He twisted the top off the bottle and drank a third of it, staring at her as he did it.

“Good,” she said, keeping eye contact.

He knew that he should just keep his mouth shut. This had always been a problem, that moment with Jennifer, or with his boss or a coworker, where he had something he so desperately wanted to say, but shouldn’t. He always knew it, too. That there was no good in it. That saying whatever damn fool thing was on his mind wouldn’t help. Wouldn’t even make him feel better. Would just escalate the situation.

So he absolutely should not say, “That wasn’t right.” He sighed after he said it anyway.

“And what’s that?” asked Amanda.

“She lied to me,” he said, trying to jam his fist into his brain to stop himself from continuing. “Told me she wanted—”

“Okay, Ryan,” the polite terseness was over, now her voice was cutting. “Let me go ahead and stop you there.”

Good. Let it stop there. Let that be it. Don’t open your fucking— “Are you also going to lecture me about not having any expectations? ’Cuz she already played that song.”

“No,” said Amanda. “As a matter of fact I was going to tell you how off-putting someone is when they’re as clearly drunk as you are.”

“Oh, were you?” He boiled inside himself. The little voice that had been telling him to stop turned around and walked away. “Well, let me tell you—”

“There you are!”

The voice startled him silent, as did the appearance of Paige, topless, next to him. She slapped her hand down on his shoulder.

“I’ve been looking all over for you!” she said, making eye contact with Amanda. She hooked her hands under his arms and stood him up. The room spun, and he tried to remember if he’d spoken to Paige tonight. Or at all since the incident, for that matter.

“What are you doing here?” he asked and watched her make an apologetic expression at Amanda, who’d crossed her arms.

“Rescuing you,” said Paige, a terse edge to her own voice.

He pulled away from her. “I don’t need rescuing.”

“Oh, god, you do.”

Amanda leaned forward across the bar. “I think it’s time for him to—”

“Sorry, Mandy,” said Jennifer. “I promise I’ll take care of this.”

When she grabbed him again, it was by the wrist, and her grip felt rough. Her nails, painted purple, he noticed, dug into the underside of his wrist.

“I was doing just fine,” he said as she pulled him toward the stairs.

“Yeah, but you weren’t,” she said, yanking him up.

They emerged from the basement into the hallway off the kitchen, empty just now. Paige shoved him out of the staircase and he hit the wall, then spun to face her. “I don’t even fucking know where Jennifer is.”

Paige clapped her hand to her face and shook her head, marveling at him. “Good lord, you’re far gone.”

She shoved him farther into the empty kitchen, leaning him against the island in the center. He watched her glance around.

This woman who had cut them off.

Time to give her a piece of his mind, now that his censor had abandoned him. “It’s all so easy for—”

He saw stars. Purple and blue blotches. A ringing in his ear. He looked back and she leaned close, looking into his eyes. The ringing got louder before it subsided, and Ryan realized what had happened. Paige had slapped him. “What the fu—”

His head swung the opposite way, and now his left ear rang to match his right. The purple bloomed all over the stark white kitchen. He put both of his hands on the island behind him to keep from falling over. He didn’t want to be that guy at the party.

Ryan took a deep breath and glared up at Paige.

“You need to snap out of whatever the fuck that was downstairs,” she said. She reached out and grabbed his cheeks, pointing his face directly at hers. “Now you listen to me very carefully. You are at someone else’s house. They invited you into their home—”

“You invited us,” he replied, bitterly.

She looked at him for a moment, sadness on her face. “Yes. We did.” The anger returned. “We vouched for you! These are our friends! You can’t just come into this world and behave like—”

“I thought we were your friends.”

“Ryan,” she sighed, sounding defeated.

“You don’t call us back.”

Paige folded her arms across her chest, looking suddenly self-conscious about her lack of clothing. “I don’t,” she said, then looked away. “Look, we…” Her expression hardened again and she turned back to him. “You just showed up at our house! We never got to see those two, so we wanted one night to ourselves with— And then you freaked out!”

Ryan slid down the island to the ground. He let his insides spill out. “It got so lonely so quickly.”

“What?”

“Here. When Jennifer left.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “Like I wasn’t worth anything else, without her.” He turned away when he felt tears in his eyes. Didn’t want to give her one more thing, one more reason to think he wasn’t good enough. He steeled himself and stood back up, taking deep breaths. “And now she’s off fucking Glen.”

“Jennifer?” asked Paige.

“Yeah.”

“Jennifer’s with Bruce.”

He blinked and turned to look at her finally. Her expression had moved from anger to concern. But it had come too late, hadn’t it? All of this, too late.

The center didn’t hold.

41

Ryan always liked to rib her about enjoying “mustache rides” when Bruce went down on her. Jennifer had to admit that she really did enjoy the extra tickle that Bruce’s mustache gave her clitoral hood. He moved lower to slide his tongue all the way in and she could feel the bristly mustache itself against her lips and clit.

While she had missed that sensation since they’d stopped seeing each other, what she wanted more than anything else right now was to feel Bruce’s body on top of hers, his legs between her thighs, his cock moving in and out of her. She tore open a condom sitting on the bedside table and pulled out the latex sheath.

She reached down with her other hand and tapped him on the head. He paused and tilted his head up so just his nose and eyes were above her bare mound. The crinkles at the corners of his eyes suggested a smile on his face. She made a “come hither” gesture and showed him the condom.

“You sure?” he asked.

Jennifer nodded.

Bruce moved his body up hers, crawling and kissing as he went, around her belly button, below her breasts, one nipple, then the other, her sternum, her neck, her chin, her lips. He lifted himself so he could see her face. “We did miss you,” he said.

“Shut up and fuck me,” she said with a wink. She reached down, pinching the tip of the condom, and slid it down the length of his shaft. He watched her do it, and then watched her take his cock in her hand and press it between her labia until it disappeared inside.

Jennifer leaned her head back and closed her eyes. She tried to experience the moment fully, focusing only on this set of sensations. Just the sound of his breathing, the occasional grunt of pleasure, the smell of his musk, the sliding and filling inside her, the tingles his cock sent up her labia to her clit, the deeper feeling inside when the large head of his cock slid against her g-spot.

For a moment, she felt everything could be as it had been before. The four of them. A team of lovers. The best of friends. Without the unsettling overshadowing of what had—

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“Whoa, Ryan! What’s wrong?”

Jennifer’s eyes snapped open as Bruce pulled back. She felt the pop and vacuum sensation as his engorged head pulled out of her. The overhead light snapped on, flooding the room. She squinted at the brightness. Her dress hit her in the face, and she realized Ryan had thrown it at her.

“Get dressed.”

“What’s going on, Ryan? Paige?”

Paige is here? Jennifer opened her eyes again and saw Ryan, his button-down shirt over his shoulders but open at the front. Pants on, belt unbuckled. Paige stood behind him, a look of horror on her face. What had happened?

A pall of shame settled down around Jennifer. Her enjoyment, had it been too much? Was she not supposed to actually get what she wanted?

“Jennifer,” said Ryan, snapping his fingers in front of her face.

She focused on his hand and then his face. Fury there. Fury she didn’t understand. What had happened?

“We’re leaving,” he said.

“Ryan,” Bruce put his hands on Ryan’s shoulders. She saw him throw them off. He whirled around to face Bruce as Jennifer stood up. She tried to sort out which end of her dress was the top and which was the bottom.

“Real nice. Won’t answer a single phone call, but will fuck my wife at the first opportunity?”

Jennifer pulled the dress over her head and stood to adjust. She’d just pushed her arms through when she felt Ryan grab her wrist and yank. “Let’s go.”

She watched Bruce and Paige in the room as she was pulled past them into the hallway. Bruce walked toward them, but Paige put her hand on his chest and shook her head. They were in the foyer before Ryan let go of her wrist and disappeared into the coat closet.

Jennifer stood alone in the foyer, looking up to the seating area at the top of the dual staircases, hoping Bruce and Paige would come to the landing. She wondered if Paige was also pissed off. Had she done something terribly wrong? Again?

Her face felt so very hot. She fell into a chair.

All she’d wanted was to go back to the way things had been. She ran through the evening in her mind. They’d done so well, hadn’t they? First fun and flirting at the bar. Then Kendra and Vince, and that had gone swimmingly, hadn’t it? They’d even both had their own encounters. Ryan was Julianne’s type, in fact. That had to have made him happy.

He re-emerged from the coat closet, already wearing his jacket. He thrust hers out to her.

“Ryan,” she said, almost pleading. “What’s—”

“Put it on.”

She took the coat. As soon as it left his hand, he turned away and disappeared out the front door. It stood, ajar, a cold breeze blowing in as the storm door closed behind him. She looked back up to the landing, still empty.

Whatever this was, it could be fixed, right? She put her coat on, then the heels he’d thrown on the floor.

When she left the house, she saw him halfway across the front yard, leaving footprints in the snow cover. It’d be best for her to walk all the way around, in these heels, but she needed to catch up to him. She needed to fix this.

“How much have you had to drink?” he asked without turning back toward her.

“Tonight?”

“Recently.”

She didn’t know. “Two glasses of wine, maybe? I don’t—”

“You’re driving,” he said as he reached the car. “I’ll probably kill us.” She heard the keys jangle, saw them glint in the moonlight and land in the snow in front of her.

She stopped.

He climbed into the passenger side, slamming the door behind him.

The neighborhood was encased in silence. Jennifer looked down at the keys in the snow, then slowly fished them out. The ice crystals immediately began to melt on her hands, hot and red with embarrassment. She struggled to hold back tears as she climbed into the driver’s seat.

“Two people,” he said. “Didn’t even come to mention before going off to fuck—”

“You were with Julianne!” she said, pleading her defense. “I didn’t—”

Ryan slammed his hand on the dashboard hard enough that the glove compartment popped open. They both stared at it for a moment before he reached down and closed it.

His voice was calmer when he spoke again, slow, considered, but no less angry. “I don’t want to talk about it. In fact, I don’t want to talk at all.”

She stared at him.

“This was a bad idea,” he said.

Jennifer didn’t know how to respond. After a long silence, she started the car, and drove.

The silence followed them home.

42

Ryan did not go to bed with Jennifer when they returned home from the party. They made eye contact as she went up the stairs, her eyes red with tears, but said nothing.

They’d arrived home just before four. Ryan’s fitful sleep on their living room couch only lasted about an hour and a half. The next morning, he sat at the kitchen table, still wearing the button down and slacks he’d worn the night before and slept in. He didn’t eat or have coffee, just sat thinking. He sat in the kitchen until the sun came up, watching the rays glisten across the softening snow of their small backyard.

Jennifer appeared in the doorway around 6:30, jumping when she saw him sitting there. “I thought you’d left,” she whispered. “When I didn’t see you on the couch.”

“No,” he whispered back. “No, I didn’t.”

She waited, at the door, holding the frame with her hand as though she needed the extra support it provided. When he said nothing, she moved into the room. “Coffee?” she asked.

“I didn’t make any,” he said.

“I was going to.”

Ryan didn’t respond or look up from his hands resting on the table. Here he could say he was sorry, couldn’t he? Just say it. Let that be it. I fucked up. He could surely say that, couldn’t he. He had, hadn’t he? Whatever sin Jennifer had committed in his mind, couldn’t he just say he was sorry and see if things could be salvaged?

He didn’t say it, and after Jennifer started the coffee pot, she left the room again. When she returned, she was wearing her coat.

Ryan didn’t look up from his hands. He could feel her, though, standing behind him at the coffee pot. He heard her pour the coffee, add her sugar and creamer in, stir it, and screw the top on her travel mug. Then silence. She was looking at him, wasn’t she? Waiting for him to say something. Maybe she wanted to apologize too, though what that could be, other than a vague and ambiguous apology hoping to broadly paper over offenses that were by no means substantial, he had no idea.

After an interminable few minutes, where they both dared each other to make the opening conversational volley, Jennifer left the room, and the house moments later. When he looked up, the clock on the microwave read 9:17. Had he fallen asleep? Sitting here? His hands still sat folded in front of him.

He went upstairs and crawled into their bed, undoing the neatly tucked covers Jennifer had left behind her. He stared at the crack on the ceiling, his old friend. He’d barely noticed it for the last few months, but there it was again, waiting for him, like an old friend. His eyes burned with tears that wouldn’t fall. The frosty reflections of the morning light played wistfully around the crack. He loathed himself for what he’d done.

An hour passed and he didn’t sleep. He could get up again, but what purpose would it serve? He had nothing better to do with his Sunday. He didn’t know where Jennifer had gone, but she’d had the right idea, hadn’t she? Just getting the fuck out of here. Hell, anywhere would be better than being here with him. Unfortunately, Ryan didn’t have the luxury of leaving this prick behind.

The alarm on his phone went off, an alarm that they’d set ages ago for Sundays, a reminder not to waste the day in bed. Today would be wasted, though. The alarm jump started a headache, the morning-after hangover finally making an appearance. He’d wondered where it was, lying in wait until he was no longer drunk and could remind him of all last night’s horrors. The scene he’d made, the brute he’d been, how she’d cried. He looked at Jennifer’s pillow, the lingering makeup, evidence of now-dried tears.

Fuck.

Despite the pain, Ryan made no move to silence the thirty seconds of Muse looped on his phone. He kept his hands under the down comforter, in safety. The repetition, the cycle of it, matched the throb of his headache, and the two synchronized themselves together. The throbbing grew and grew until he couldn’t take it any longer and finally slammed his hand down on the phone, silencing it for another nine minutes.

He wouldn’t sleep. He knew that no matter how long he lay here, he wouldn’t sleep, so he sat on the edge of the bed, the soles of his feet brushing the carpeting, waiting for the nine minutes to be up. Migraine flagellation perhaps. When the song began anew, Ryan lifted the phone from the table hurled it across the room where it dropped behind the dresser.

Maybe a shower.

What had happened last night? His memory wasn’t black, or even hazy. No, everything was vivid in his mind. He stripped off his clothes in the bathroom, dropping them to the floor. He looked at himself in the mirror, repulsed. What was that there? Thirty? Forty? Fifty extra pounds, maybe? More?

“Fuck you,” he told the man in the mirror. For good measure, Ryan flipped him off.

What had happened? Loneliness? Was that a fucking excuse? Something he could say? He tried it on for size, telling the man in the mirror, “I’m sorry I threw your clothes in your face and dragged you out of the room, and then, for good measure, threw my fucking car keys at you, but I was lonely.”

The word tasted rancid.

Jealous. That fit a bit more. The poor jealous boy who hadn’t gotten enough attention, while the pretty girl got it all. The poor jealous boy who’d only had his fucking cock sucked earlier in the evening by a woman who really did seem to like him. Seem? Odd choice of words, wasn’t that?

Well, had Kendra liked him?

He blinked, and the hideous naked man blinked back. Why would she like that? Why would anyone?

If he hadn’t gotten drunk, perhaps Julianne would’ve liked him. Jeff had even said he was her type. The naked man in the mirror scoffed at that.

“Fuck you,” he said again.

In the shower, the water was scalding hot. He left it that way until he couldn’t bear it.

He could forgive her, he thought, for going off and fucking Bruce. How was it any different from all the other times she’d fucked Bruce, after all? It wasn’t. She could’ve come told him first. Asked him, maybe, if he was alright.

He could hardly blame the other men at the party for thinking Jennifer hot. She was hot. Last night she looked so very sexy in that dress. All they did was call it like they saw it. Thinking with their dicks perhaps, but wasn’t that what every man there did? Wasn’t that what this whole fucking thing was ultimately about? Thinking with their dicks and pussies for a change?

As if on cue, his own dick popped straight out. That fucking thing again. He was over the easy erection that pill had provided. He took the shower head down and pulled the knob back over to hot, concentrating it on the proud little fucker.

Before long, it went flaccid again.

Back to the bed, Ryan’s body pink and angry. He pulled the comforter over himself without toweling off, lying in in the now-wet sheets, and stared at the crack in the ceiling. Had it returned now just to torment him?

When he awoke again, the room was dark. His mouth was so dry it felt like his lips were ripping as he opened it. The migraine pounded. His hangover was here with him, here in the dark, and he could think of no more appropriate company.

He didn’t know if Jennifer would come home. He wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t.

If she did, though, he knew they should talk. That they should put it all out there. Everything they hadn’t talked about. The feelings about Jennifer’s outburst at Bruce and Paige’s house. The feelings about last night. The rights and the wrongs and the responsibility. It would all have to go on the table.

Once it did, though, what was to stop everything else from spilling out? That landslide that had been held back ever so precariously by a barrier emblazoned with the words, “Well, there’s always swinging.”

What if it started sliding and never stopped?

43

Ever since Jennifer had been a little girl, she’d loved watching planes take off and land at the airport. Watching them had been easier then, and one could do it from inside the airport without having a ticket. She’d spent many afternoons with her grandmother, riding the L into the lowest floor of O’Hare Airport, wandering past the massive terminal windows, watching them fly. They spoke to her of possibility, she could go anywhere, if she wanted to. There was some money involved, of course, but all she really had to do was climb aboard and be whisked away to someplace magical.

Someplace else.

Today, watching the planes from over a mile away, Jennifer still longed to be whisked away. To go someplace else.

She sat at the counter that lined the windows of the O’Hare Oasis, a steel and glass structure passing over a highway near the airport. From here she could see them take off and land, though without the immediacy of being right there in the airport with Grandma Straub. From here she couldn’t daydream about being told there was an empty seat on the next flight to Jamaica, and wouldn’t she just love to take it?

But the watching sufficed. In the last few years, she’d come here once a month or so, when she didn’t know what to say at home. When she’d yearned for contact and couldn’t find it. To avoid going seeking somewhere (someone?) else to look for it, she’d come here. Open twenty-four hours and loiterer friendly. No one would tell her she was taking up a table for too long. No one would say in that friendly but condescending tone “Ma’am, don’t you think you ought to go home?”

She sat at the long counter designed to eat and sit and work and lean. She needed to lean today. Elbows on the table today. How quickly things had gone south. Maybe that was the price they’d pay.

She’d not felt guilty about the things they’d done since they’d met Bruce and Paige, the things they’d done together. The sex. Occasionally there’d been a pang, sure, but one who grew up Catholic never quite loses the penchant for guilt or shame. Today, though, the shame had arrived in spades, setting up shop with guilt and loathing. Today she felt worse than she had in years.

Jennifer didn’t understand exactly what had happened last night, but she’d pieced together snippets. Ryan had gotten drunk because she’d left him alone. Half of herself refused to accept responsibility for that, wrestling with the other half. He’d been drinking before she left, after all – was it her fault he’d just drank more after? He could have said no. He could’ve taken her out of there with a word, not a hand.

She’d been scared after Paige. After the blowup. Scared that she didn’t belong in this community, doing these things. Because she wasn’t strong enough, didn’t have the emotional wherewithal it took. There it was, another pocket, another well of crude guilt bubbling up into her brain pan. Bruce and Paige, she’d really cocked that up, hadn’t she.

If she hadn’t insisted that night that they “go and see what Bruce and Paige were up to,” because she’d “really needed a friendly face right now,” well, they probably would’ve been at the party last night with the Shepards. They would’ve been there, to help the newbies navigate the deep end, filled with wonders, such wonders, but sharks, too. Bruce and Paige could’ve been the main show and not just the final act.

If only she’d managed her emotions better.

She heard her voice on the other side, the contrarian, the feminist side, say, “Fuck that shit,” clear enough that she looked around to see if anyone else at the counter had heard it too. They hadn’t.

Her emotions? Seriously? Of all the forms that the shame could’ve taken, all the avenues to deliver the guilt, her brain was trying to tell her that her emotions were the problem, after the drunken shit show that had ended last night’s event? Fuck that shit indeed. She’d followed her instincts, something that both she and Ryan were trying to do more, followed the thread as it showed up and took her somewhere.

She hadn’t sought any of that. It had been serendipity, kismet. Did it still count, if it turned dark and sour?

Is there a way back from this?

The question in her mind surprised her, she didn’t feel like she’d asked it herself. She’d encountered it, almost, spray painted on a wall, with stenciled illustrations of herself and Ryan cowering away from the words, as if painted by some gray matter Banksy.

She’d thought they could bounce back, after Bruce and Paige. Hadn’t been sure, but the possibility was still there. Vince and Kendra had kicked that possibility into an almost sure thing. They could still do it. They were young, sexy, strong, smart. Catches, the both of them.

But in the harsh morning after, she wasn’t sure anymore. She’d seen Ryan’s fears manifested as rage for the first time last night. Over their decade together they’d had their fair share of fights, even some throw-down shouting matches, but never had she seen that seething, boiling cauldron of rage spilling over into the fire. Any question of “could they come back from this” would have to be asked alongside another.

In the Banksy graffiti of her mind, she saw the second question, written in chalk, below the first: “And if we could, do I still want to?”

Whatever she’d deserved, for whatever he felt she’d done, and whatever she’d deserved if she’d been negligent somehow, she hadn’t deserved the rage. Her phone buzzed again, the third time. A glance at the screen revealed a text from Paige. “Please let me know you’re okay.”

She stared at it. If only they’d called back, before the party. Maybe they could’ve sat down and figured out a way forward, the four of them. Bruce and Paige’s stubbornness on the issue hurt, too. With a scowl, Jennifer unlocked her phone, hit ok and sent it, then flipped it over on the counter.

Since the beginning of this crazy adventure, everybody had told her to be unafraid to explore what she wanted, to let it out. To be. The two times she’d really done that, let her feelings be known, done something unexpected and new, the truth had become clear: Be yourself, but not that much.

“Fuck that,” she said, this time aloud, under her breath. The family six seats down didn’t hear.

Her face hardened as shame and guilt gave way to her own anger.

She’d been betrayed, after all. By everybody guiding this thing. Like parents running behind a bike, saying they wouldn’t let go, they wouldn’t let go. But they had let go, and she’d ridden. Until the parents had stepped forward, grabbed the seat, and flung her to the ground.

Fuck.

A United plane came in low above the oasis, landing gear down, roaring toward the airport. She sighed, longing for the days there with her grandmother. To be only six, or seven, or eight. So many years ahead. So many mistakes yet to make. So many pleasures left to feel. The simplicity of childhood had an unexpected allure. God, even to go back to high school again. Before life had become rote.

Though high school me wouldn’t have gotten fucked the way I did last night, she thought with a burst of a laugh. No, siree.

She’d go back home eventually, sure, but for now she wanted to watch the planes. Maybe later she’d even respond with a more complete message to Paige and Bruce’s separate concerned texts. But not now, not yet.

She hoped that when she did get around to responding, or to going home, she’d know what to say. At the moment, she was at a loss. She felt like she ought to apologize to all involved, but that was the guilt talking wasn’t it? Even so, starting with an apology, even a vague one for “my part in everything,” never hurt. She damned sure felt like she deserved apologies, too, though. From all involved. For everything.

What does one say, when waiting for something they may not hear? When waiting for something specific that the other person might not even feel? Does one start the dialog, throw things on the table?

Or, if history was any indication here, and Jennifer Lambert had a feeling it might be, does one simply sit in polite silence and hope for spontaneous improvement?

There was always a chance of that, and silence brought less stinging pain.

The pain that accompanied silence was bearable.

44

The snow melted. The ground thawed. March gave way to April, which threatened to turn to May.

Jennifer and Ryan’s conversation had become, “Excuse me,” and vague polite questions about dishes, garbage, or who would to park in the garage that night in weeks. Little more. Not since the evening after that party, when they’d tried to talk about it.

“I think we should talk,” Jennifer had said, when she finally arrived home, around 9:00 that evening.

Ryan had been sitting in the living room in the dark. “Okay,” he’d said.

She’d stood for a moment longer, then sat on the couch opposite him, leaving the room dim, lit by the street lamp outside, and the hall light peeking in. “You drank too much.”

There it was. Drank too much. His fault he drank too much. His fault he drank too much and made a scene. He nodded, but realized she might not make it out in the dim light, said, “I did.”

“And you didn’t care what I had to say.”

He looked over, in the dark. He could see her silhouette, but not her face, save two pinpoints of light reflected in her eyes. He thought she was looking down. “You didn’t say anything.”

“When?”

He heard anger in her voice now.

“When would I have said something? When you charged into the room and started yelling?”

“Wait,” said Ryan.

“When you threw my dress at me and told me we were leaving?”

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“When the fuck could I have said something, Ryan? Maybe on the way home while you alternately seethed and snored? Maybe then?”

She was right. There hadn’t been a time for her to say something because he hadn’t given her time.

“When I said that you didn’t care what I had to say, Ryan,” she took a deep breath and leveled the anger out of her voice, “I meant you didn’t bother to ask me what I had to say.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“So what was it, Ryan?”

The repetition of his name reinforced how upset she was with him. Even though she’d dialed her anger down to the appearance of calmness, he could feel it beneath the surface. Beneath the surface, Ryan.

Could he say what it was? Even here in the dark? “You shouldn’t have fucked Bruce.”

Silence from Jennifer, then, “Why not?”

He opened his mouth, and nothing came out.

“No, really,” she said. “Because I should’ve come ask you first? Like you’re in charge of the keys?”

He felt a weight was on his chest. “That’s not what—”

“Did you come ask me about Julianne?”

“I didn’t fuck—”

“Did you want to?”

He had. Well, maybe. “Yes.”

“So what was it?”

“I don’t know!” he shouted.

“You know, I spent all last night worrying about the horrible thing that I’d done wrong. That I fucked two people instead of one. Or that I fucked Bruce, and he was somehow off limits because… something.” Her voice dropped lower. “You told me you wanted me to do what made me most happy.”

“Yes.”

“Was that a lie?”

“No.” It hadn’t been a lie. He did truly want that. “I also asked you to check on me.”

“I did, you were making out with Julianne!”

Hell of a moment to check on him, hadn’t that been? “You caught the one and only kiss.”

“Is that my fault?”

He didn’t say anything for a long time. “I was lonely.”

“In a house full of people.”

It hadn’t mattered how many people were around. The loneliness had run through his veins. “No one was interested in me. They were all interested in you.”

“That’s absolutely not true.”

“That’s the way it felt.”

Jennifer stared into the darkness at Ryan, his vague figure slumped on the couch across from her. She shook her head and set her jaw. “I’m sorry you felt lonely.” She took a deep breath. “And I’m sorry that you felt that no one was interested in you, while they were all interested in me. But that’s just your perception of the evening. And part of that perception was thanks to the sheer volume of alcohol you had, and how poorly you held it.”

His figure bobbed in the dark, nodding.

“I’m even willing to be sorry I wasn’t a bit more diligent in checking up on you,” she took a deep breath, feeling the urge to lash out at him. Let it pass, bring it down. “But I will not apologize for enjoying myself. For doing what you told me I should, for myself. For feeling pleasure, for myself. Should I have sat downstairs in the dark with you because you were feeling unappreciated?”

A long pause. “No.”

“Then what would you have had me do differently?”

“I think we need to stop,” he said, cautiously.

She pursed her lips. “Okay, fine,” she said. “We can continue this tomorrow.”

“No,” he said. “Swinging.”

“What?”

“We need to stop swinging. I don’t think we can handle it. I’m closing the door.” He opened his mouth to speak again a few times, then added “Climbing back out of the deep end.”

She gaped at him. Stop this? This thing? She wasn’t sure she could. She’d suffered through that time off, after the fight with Paige. The thought of not doing it at all now left her cold. “Going back to our pathetic excuse for a sex life?”

“It’s better than the way I feel right now,” he said.

“What about how I feel, Ryan?” She stood up and turned on the light. “You haven’t asked me how I feel! You made a decision. Like last night. And now you’re just dragging me along by the wrist.”

She knelt in front of him. He stared into his lap.

“I think we should postpone this conversation a bit, maybe just till tomorrow. To look with fresh eyes.” She touched his knees, and he jumped away from her.

“No. We need to stop. We’re not good at it. You’re not good at it.”

She reeled back, his words slapping her across the face. She let her mouth hang open.

His expression changed too, hardened, seeing her shock. “This can’t be a surprise to you. After the way you acted at Bruce and Paige’s. You’re not ready.”

She sat back on the floor, dazed, staggered. He stared at her, blank face revealing no emotion whatsoever, no concern for what she was feeling. Rigidity. He’d spoken. No more swinging. As angry as she was with the words, though, the question of whether or not she was in fact “bad at swinging” echoed through her. That she’d caused a scene, that she hadn’t been able to watch Paige with that other woman, that she felt so much shame over it.

No! She shook her head. “You wallow, Ryan. You wallow all you want in this oh so unfair world you’ve created in your mind. But you recognize something. We were adrift. Remember? Adrift, and then we found something. And you’re suggesting we cut the cord again?”

“You found something. Someone.” The bitter edge in his words tasted like copper.

She stood and backed away. “I’m done with this conversation.”

“No, you’re not,” he said.

“When you have a moment of clarity, because I’m sure it’ll come, you need to think about the hateful person you appeared to be last night. You think about how they see you now. And you think about whether any of that may have contributed to how lonely you felt.” She turned her back on him. “But I will not feel sorry for having a good time. A good time that you ruined, mind you, when you dragged me out of a good situation back into this… whatever this is.”

“This is our marriage.”

“Maybe that’s the problem.” Jennifer climbed the stairs to their bedroom. She held back the tears until she turned out the light. With the door closed, he wouldn’t hear. When morning came, they looked at each other in the mirror as they brushed their teeth and prepared for work. He drove her to the hotel. He picked her up. The routine that had been fixed two years ago, when their schedules first lined up, kept running.

The next morning, they didn’t look at each other at all. Perfunctory questions about breakfast, coffee, and leftovers in the fridge, all uttered quietly, were their only communication. By April, even that had ceased.

45

Noah set the bottle of Scotch on the bar between them. He held his glass up to the light, roughly an inch of caramel colored liquid on the bottom, two gray cubes in it. “Barbara got these for me,” he said, pointing to the cubes. “They’re metal or something, so you can freeze them and throw them in your drink, and they just get it cold, they don’t water it down.”

Ryan nodded.

“Want to try some of this Glenlivet? It’s a 21.” He elbowed Ryan.

Nothing.

“This amount here,” he said, “sixteen dollars. That’s not what you’d pay at a bar, that’s what the actual value is. At a bar, you’d pay…” He cocked his head at Ryan, who shrugged and nodded.

“What’d you come over for, if not to talk?” asked Noah, pulling another glass off the shelf behind the bar. He dropped two of the gray cubes into the glass and poured about an ounce of the Glenlivet 21. “I’m gonna start you off with eight dollars.”

He handed the glass to Ryan, who brought it to his lips and poured the entire ounce into his mouth. He swallowed, grimacing as it burned its way down his throat.

“Tastes like your bar,” said Ryan, “if I gnawed on it a little.”

“He speaks!” Noah raised his arms theatrically and did a bit of a jig that reminded Ryan of his high school theater’s interpretation of Tevye. “But will he share?”

“I don’t remember the last time she and I had a conversation. I mean, since then. We exchange basic conversational pleasantries, sure…” Ryan trailed off, staring at the cubes in his glass. He shook them, watching them tumble like dice. “I talk to the receptionists at the office more than I talk to my wife.”

Noah clapped him on the back as he came back around the bar and sat next to him. “Sometimes I, too, talk to the receptionists more than Barbara.”

Ryan choked out a laugh, the sound seeming foreign, it had been so long since last he made it. “Yeah, but that’s by choice.”

With a nod, Noah leaned closer to him, his shoulder rubbing up against Ryan’s. “Seems like yours is by choice, too, buddy.”

Ryan thought about that. No, if it were his choice the silence wouldn’t have lasted (he did some quick math in his head), Jesus, almost four weeks. It wasn’t his choice, it was their choice, and the Lamberts were opting out.

“Sex is gone too, now,” he said instead. “Months since the last time.” He turned to Noah and looked into his eyes. He poked the empty glass toward him. “You warned us.”

Noah gulped his Scotch. His face changed, as though he’d sucked down a lemon with that sip. “Oh, don’t play that fucking game,” he said.

“No,” Ryan insisted, “You did, you and Barbara.”

“We were concerned,” conceded Noah.

“Yeah. We should’ve listened.”

“Why? I wouldn’t have.” Noah folded his arms over his chest, swirling the last few sips of Scotch around the bottom of the glass, the gray cubes tinkling as they slid.

Ryan looked at him. “What?”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” asked Noah, growing more animated. “The promise of wild sex? New friends? Excitement?” He grabbed the bottle next to him and gave Ryan the full sixteen this time, topping himself up to the same. “Someone puts that option legitimately in front of me… I mean, for real. I’m all over it.”

Ryan stared at his friend, this new information so different than what he’d revealed before on the subject. Noah talked big about his exploits, but had seemed shockingly prudish when the chips came down regarding the swingers. “So, I’m sure the option was there… Why didn’t you?”

He shrugged. “Barbara talked about it when she met Paige. I mean, Paige didn’t exactly hide her proclivities. So, we had the conversation. The ‘what do you think of this’ conversation. But I got this vibe the entire time.” He ran his hand down his face, then took a sip. “This vibe that the discussion was just that, discussion. That there was nothing real behind it.”

Noah looked Ryan up and down, until Ryan nodded.

“It was fun to talk about, though,” Noah said.

“Yeah, man.” Ryan smiled as he swirled his own Scotch. The memories of the beginning, so sweet and vivid. “Those few days we were talking about it, and then after our first date—” He threw Noah a sidelong glance. “Dinner with them. We really thought we were changing our lives. The sense of possibility and potential. It was so vibrant.”

“Well, sure.”

The smile faded along with the memories. “I guess nothing could live up to that.”

“That’s bullshit,” said Noah, finishing his drink. “You’re just feeling sorry for yourself.”

“No,” insisted Ryan, “I’m telling you—”

Noah grabbed Ryan’s Scotch and knocked it back. “At our big dinner a couple months ago, that one where Barbara outed you?”

“Yes,” said Ryan, “I remember it vividly.”

“Good,” returned Noah, poking him in the chest. “That dinner was way beyond that first week, and you were living the fucking life, man. You were different.” He shook his head, as though he couldn’t even believe how different. “I think I’ve known you for something like nine years now, my friend, and you’ve never been so,” he searched for the right word, “alive! So don’t give me that ‘it all fell apart because it wasn’t real’ bullshit. ‘Boo hoo, our debauchery ruined us.’”

Ryan scowled at him. What the fuck did he know about it? He was about to ask Noah that very question when he again got poked in the chest.

“You guys made a stupid choice to do something you weren’t ready for with that party.”

The words hung in the air for a moment.

“When we met Bruce and Paige, we talked to them about their lifestyle. We asked them how they did it. Did you?”

Ryan thought about it. Surely they had. Sometime, at least, in that first date? The more he considered it, though, the more he realized that they’d discussed around the nitty-gritty how-to, preferring instead the flashy lifestyle magazine version of storytelling. “No,” he admitted finally.

“Rules,” said Noah. “First thing they told us. Said you could call them boundaries if you wanted, but they’re fucking rules. And they can be flexible, they can evolve. But they provide safety. So no one wanders off and fucks two people without checking in.”

Ryan nodded.

“And no one gets completely shit-faced, bitches out a woman who won’t fuck him, then cocks off to the host. I mean, seriously, dude!” Noah gave him a look of utter contempt. “You walked into a play party with no rules, no plans. Like a couple of little leaguers showing up for the Super Bowl.”

“Different sports,” said Ryan, off hand.

“Exactly,” said Noah. “That’s my fucking point. Not ready, not equipped, and probably had only the vaguest fucking clue how to even play the game. So of course it was going to end badly.”

“So you’re the big expert now?”

“Hell, no,” Noah blew off the question. “Just doesn’t take a genius to see that crap.”

They sat in silence for a while, and Ryan thought it might be time to get to the reason he’d come over in the first place. “Listen. I wanted to ask you. If something happens, you know, between Jennifer and I. Do you think I could stay—”

Noah didn’t look at him when he told him, “You’re not moving in here. You’re not leaving Jennifer. Honestly, you’re lucky she hasn’t left your sorry ass already.”

He poured maybe four more dollars of Glenlivet into Ryan’s glass and slapped it back into his hand. “Now finish your drink.” He clinked his glass together with Ryan’s. “And then go home and actually talk to your fucking wife.”

Ryan stared into the drink, wondering perhaps if the answers would be clearer when he’d finished it. He knocked it back.

They never were.

46

Jennifer leaned forward into the bathroom mirror and applied a little blush. Keep it subtle, of course, she wouldn’t want anyone to think she had any ideas about what tonight might mean. The text from Paige had only said I’m here if you want to talk, after all. Not I miss you, or, the thought that got her tingling, I want you. But if there was one thing Jennifer was certain about, if she was going to see Paige, spend time with Paige, hang out with Paige, be close enough to Paige that she could smell her, she was going to look better than she had these last few weeks.

Because why bother doing more than getting dressed, right? Her trips to the airport oasis certainly weren’t about anything other than mental health. Half the time she wore yoga pants, especially as the weather began to warm.

Life felt chilly as ever in the Lambert house.

She leaned back from the mirror and looked at herself. She felt tears welling up at the person looking back at her. Hello beautiful, she thought, I’ve missed you.

Jennifer took a deep breath to clear the tears and center herself. That girl in the mirror looked a lot like the version of Jennifer Lambert that she loved, the version that was strong. The version that had only really existed in the physical world for a few brief flash-in-the-pan months as the years changed, just then. Had that version always been inside the chrysalis of her shyness? Or had she been birthed in the crucible of that first crazy night?

And where had she gone?

She knew one thing above the rest, that was for sure: That she was no longer willing to just be. “Today is the day I change my life,” she told the girl in the mirror who looked oh so much the way she wanted to look. Her confidence didn’t appear to be there, her face seemed strained and worried, but otherwise, she was so very close. Just seeing Paige would help push it further.

I want to talk, she’d texted back a few days earlier. Then a bit of back and forth before arriving at tonight.

Paige had offered to take her to the Horn Lodge. I could use a good steak.

Jennifer could use something too, and this chillness at the house had outstayed its welcome. Just about time to make a move, wasn’t it? She felt her train was about to leave the station, and her husband could get on board or not. Really up to him. She always had Plan B in her purse. Plan B: The business card that Rita at work had given her, Hayward-Rosenfield-Palmer, Divorce Attorneys.

She’d handed the card back, in the break room. “It’s not that bad.”

Rita had just looked at her over the top of her glasses.

Jennifer had taken the card back.

A conversation would need to be had, and soon. That conversation would need to spin off into others, and more and more. Bough breaking, cradle rocking. She’d tried, when she’d find him just sitting on the couch, staring at the TV that he hadn’t turned on, here and there she’d sit with him. His grunts, in response to her forays, were noncommittal, his focus never on her.

They’d talked more about coffee brands in the past four weeks than about anything else in their lives.

Tonight, though, tonight was about seeing Paige. Jennifer closed her eyes and pictured their greeting in the Shepards’ foyer. Seeing each other, standing under the warm recessed lighting, Paige’s strawberry hair ablaze in the glow. They’d look into each other’s eyes and all would be forgiven, they’d rush, and hug, and kiss.

Admittedly, in her fantasy version, the scene took a turn for the porny as Paige pushed Jennifer onto the bench near the door, yanked up her skirt, and plunged her hot tongue into Jennifer’s yawning vulva.

She noticed herself flushing in the mirror, her chest reddening. A sly smile crept across Jennifer’s face as she looked over her body. This would be hard for Paige to resist, wouldn’t it? Her dress, emerald green, had the appearance of casual, but clung to her curves.

Jennifer knew, without a doubt, that there wouldn’t be sex with Paige tonight. Nor should there be. While she hadn’t been in the wrong for most of the things that Ryan had thrown at her after that party, she had been in the wrong when it came to Paige. Atonement and apologies, all necessary and deserved.

There were things she knew she was in the wrong about here at home too, and there was still that pit in her stomach when it came to Paige, and the jealousy, and the incident. But Ryan’s problem right now was Ryan. She hoped that all this quiet reflection he’d been doing for the last month had done him some kind of good.

As she locked the front door, Ryan pulled up to the house. He’d begun to pull his car into the driveway, but seeing her stepping out, he parked in the street. She walked to her car and opened the driver’s side door. He stood near the back of her car. She wasn’t certain what he wanted, but was willing to wait and see.

“I, uh,” he started. A very Ryan opening.

She looked at him. She could see his reaction to her makeup and styled hair. He took a quick breath.

“I thought we should, talk about things.” His sentence didn’t flow properly, pauses in odd places.

“I agree,” said Jennifer. She fixed a last look on him, weighing the options here. Her decision was easy. “But right now I’m on my way out to meet…” she almost said “a friend,” wondering if she should keep this dinner date a secret, then wondering why her initial instinct skewed that way. “Paige,” she said, finally. “I’m meeting Paige for dinner.”

Ryan processed that, then nodded.

He walked past her into the house. She watched him go, wondering if she should say anything else. She took a deep breath, remembering the last time she’d been on a plane, the flight attendant’s instructions, to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then help children or others.

Put it on yourself first.

She drove to meet Paige.

47

Ryan watched Jennifer’s car pull away.

Blown it again, hadn’t he? Of course she didn’t want to talk to him, why would she? Even his attempt to discuss the issue had turned into accusatory yelling. Over time, he’d stopped being so angry about the incidents at the party. He understood, in fact. He would’ve done the same, had he seen her making out with someone, would’ve assumed that she was occupied and fine, and found his own thing to do.

Had that been the sin of the party? Assuming he was better equipped than he actually was? No, thought Ryan, the sin of the party was being unprepared and drinking all the drinks. That was it, in fact, all the drinks. He could’ve thought clearly without all of that. He’d thought he needed the alcohol, thought it would calm the voices. The ones that shouted ugly and disgusting, who would want you, boring.

All that pill he’d taken had managed to do was give him an erection that had depressed him due to lack of facility to use it. Such a change from his imagined, feared, scenario of the exact opposite, plenty of opportunity and his old friend erectile dysfunction.

As her brake lights disappeared around the curve at the end of their street, he choked up unexpectedly. Why had he waited all this time? Waiting for an apology, perhaps? Even though he hadn’t really believed she ought to be the one to apologize, he’d been waiting for it.

He should’ve thrown it out first, “I’m sorry, this is stupid.” Perhaps even, “You know what we need to do? Go somewhere and just fuck!” Silence had always been his tactic, though. With girlfriends, parents, better to be quiet than risk the explosion. Eventually, most things just went away.

This problem would go away alright, wouldn’t it? He’d seen the business card. That trio of divorce attorneys would never recommend trying to make it work. Why would they? Not their business, after all. They’d make swift work of the Lambert marriage, and within a couple months, she would be back to Jennifer Straub, free to pursue someone who didn’t make her feel guilty, feel sad.

He stood on the front stoop of the house and stared at the street. He clenched his fingers around his car keys.

Jennifer didn’t want to talk now because of what she thought talking would look like. Couldn’t blame her for that. Leading with an apology, though? That conversation she might be ready to have. He looked at his phone.

Could text her. That felt passive. She should see his face, so she could see that he meant it. Then, if she didn’t want to talk, or was busy, she could just accept his apology or not, and that would be the start.

The seed.

He couldn’t just leave his marriage in the hands of those divorce attorneys.

Noah had been right, he needed to talk to his wife. His jaw set, resolve on his face as he jumped back into his car, pulling up the GPS on his phone to take him to Bruce and Paige’s house.

He found Jennifer’s car in the driveway and drew a deep breath. He parked in front and hurtled himself across the lawn. Hit the doorbell twice for emphasis.

Bruce opened the door to find Ryan standing before him, leaning on his arm, gripping the door jam, slightly out of breath. He blinked at Ryan for a moment before silently opening the storm door to him.

Ryan stepped into the foyer and glanced around.

“What can I do for you?” Bruce asked the man who’d accused him of sneaking around his back to fuck his wife. But when he looked into Ryan’s face, he felt it hard to be angry. He saw confusion, and fear, and an almost overwhelming sadness.

“I need,” Ryan said. “I need to talk to Jennifer.”

“Not here,” said Bruce.

“Her car’s outside.”

“She was here. She and Paige just left.”

“Do you know where they went?”

Bruce took a breath. “I do.”

“I need to go there. I need to tell her.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Ryan’s face shattered. Tears flowed. “I need to tell her I’m sorry,” he wailed. “I need to tell her, or she’ll leave.”

Bruce hadn’t expected this. At the very least he thought he’d expected an indignant attitude, “Why is she with Paige?” He’d certainly gotten that from men in the past. Women, too. Paige had a way of getting into people’s brains and setting up shop.

The words I think you should go home, Ryan hung in Bruce’s mind, but he couldn’t say them. He couldn’t send the broken man before him back out into the world. Fuck, now he felt responsible for him.

“Why don’t we sit down,” he suggested, putting his hand on Ryan’s shoulder. He opened his other hand toward the living room.

Ryan nodded and sniffled like a four-year-old, coughing on his tears.

He gave Ryan a nudge toward the other room, and grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge, catching up with Ryan just as he walked in. Bruce twisted the top off one of the bottles and handed it to Ryan.

Ryan sat, holding the bottle in both hands between his knees, slumped forward.

“You should drink some of that,” suggested Bruce.

Ryan did.

Bruce clenched his jaw, the niggling anger eating at him, he had to say something about it, something about the fact that, “You were a dick to me the last time I saw you. You know that?”

Ryan nodded.

“I need you to know that’s one hundred percent not cool. You understand me?” Bruce leaned down toward Ryan, who appeared to be trying to vanish inside the couch cushion, perhaps hoping he was a chameleon and could change colors to match.

“Not cool,” Ryan whispered in return.

Jesus, thought Bruce. How can I beat up on the guy? He’s doing all the work for me.

“Look,” he said, then reached out and tapped Ryan’s knee. “Are you listening to me?”

Bloodshot eyes blinked back at him when Ryan met his eyes. “Yes,” he whispered.

“You leapfrogged. Jumped in way too deep, way too quickly, you understand?”

Ryan nodded.

“It wasn’t my job to check with you. When Jennifer said it was alright, I trusted that you two were on the same page. That night that you two came over, I trusted that all four of us were on the same page, that we’d be seeing other people.”

“My fault.”

Bruce sighed. “I’m not assigning blame. I’m telling you about the value of trust. Without it, none of this works. Right now, Paige is out with Jennifer, something she and I’d decided was going to be a no-go for quite some time. But she said it needed to happen, and I trust her to make that decision. You see what I’m saying?”

“I trust Jennifer.”

“Trust isn’t just about her not doing anything that you both discussed not doing, Ryan.” He tapped Ryan’s knee again, to get him to look up. “Trust is about believing that your partner will do what is best in a moment. Best for themselves, best for your relationship, best.”

Ryan thought about that. “It wasn’t her fault,” he said after a while.

“Which part?”

He shrugged. “I looked like I was having a good time. I told her I wanted her to do what made her happy. I—”

“Did you actually want her to do what made her happy?”

“Well, within—”

“Because if you didn’t, then you weren’t giving her a reason to trust what you have to say.” Bruce sat back in the easy chair, unscrewed the top from the second water bottle, and took a sip. “She isn’t beholden to you, just because she’s your wife. She’s not always going to put your feelings first. She’s going to weigh everything going on, but especially her own feelings, and make a good decision. Jennifer is smart as hell.”

Ryan nodded.

“One of the things that attracted us to you both. You were scared and new, but you were thoughtful and smart.”

“But not anymore… We trusted the two of you to—”

“We,” said Bruce, firmly, “we didn’t break the contract. You did.”

Ryan deflated again.

“Do you trust Jennifer right now?”

“I don’t know.”

“How about Paige?”

“I’m worried,” said Ryan, looking up of his own accord, “that Paige will tell her to leave me.”

“Are you worth staying for?”

The bluntness of the question caught Ryan off guard. “We’ve been together almost thirteen years, we’re—”

“That doesn’t mean anything, if you’re not worth staying for.”

“Are you saying I’m—”

“I’m asking you questions, Ryan. Because I feel like, and this is just an observation, that you’re clinging to something neither of you like.”

Ryan flinched.

“I’m not talking about your marriage. I’m talking about the way you’ve behaved toward each other since that party. Admittedly, I only know a little of it.” Bruce had overheard Jennifer and Paige’s tearful beginnings, hugging in the foyer, before they’d left. He’d only listened for a moment. Trust in all things, so very important.

“We’re not clinging to that.”

“Neither of you is trying to change it. Why cling to the husk of a marriage?”

“Am I too late?” asked Ryan.

“That’s not what I’m saying.”

“Am I too late?” he pleaded.

Bruce thought about it. He’d seen bad before. This was bad. Not talking for a month certainly qualified as bad. Going into a play party unprepared, also bad. Ryan needed hope though, right now. There was hope to be had.

“You know why non-monogamy is scary?” he asked.

Ryan shook his head. “Where do I begin?”

“True, it is vast.” Bruce laughed. “But specifically. In monogamy, we have this feeling of control, right? That somehow the social contract will keep our spouse in check. That this thin membrane will keep the external scaries out.”

Ryan looked at his hands, nodding.

“Non-monogamy appears to take away that membrane. When we meet newbies, you know what they ask us?”

“How soon can we fuck you?”

Bruce’s laugh came out genuine this time, and Ryan actually cracked a smile. “Before that. They ask, ‘What if my spouse/partner/whatnot falls in love with someone else?’”

The question struck at Ryan’s core. He focused on Bruce’s face.

“And I ask them, ‘What’s stopping them before from doing that right now?’ The answer is invariably that they’re not allowed to. Because monogamy. Like it’s a magic wand, making people’s genitals only compatible with each other.” Bruce hoped Ryan was ready. “But the real answer, Ryan, is that can absolutely happen. Just like in real life, your partner can at any moment leave.”

“This isn’t making me feel better,” said Ryan.

“You shouldn’t assume that’s my goal,” returned Bruce.

That caught him by surprise.

“The truth is rarely comforting. But trust?” Bruce paused for emphasis. “Trust is very comforting. If Paige believed the best course of action was to bend Jennifer over at the Horn Lodge and pull a strap-on out of her bag, I might disagree, but I trust her judgment. That helps me not worry.”

Bruce moved to the couch, sitting next to Ryan. “You told her, and me just now, that you want her to do what makes her happy. Is that really true? Or only true if what makes her happy is the same as what makes you happy?”

Ryan thought about it for a long time. “When I said it at the party, I said it to make her happy,” he told Bruce. “But I really I want her to be happy, with or without me.”

“You know that stupid phrase, ‘if you love something, let it go, blah blah blah’?”

“Just because you call it stupid,” said Ryan with a smirk, “doesn’t mean you can turn around and use it without looking like the guy using that phrase.”

“Fair enough,” Bruce smiled too. “But that phrase isn’t correct, really. It’s not about letting people go on their own personal Rumspringa from their relationship. It’s about allowing your partner, your spouse, this person you love, the freedom and trust to do what’s best for them. In return, I’ve found, they often will do what’s best for you. No one has control over anybody else. We only control ourselves.”

The two men sat quietly for a while.

48

“We’ve only been married seven years,” said Jennifer, sitting across the table from Paige in a dimly lit corner of the Horn Lodge. “We felt like things were… over.” She sighed. “You know, we played the game, we did the things, got married. Most people have kids at that point. That’s certainly what my parents wanted us to do. And as things stagnated in the last few years, I became more and more afraid of accidentally having a kid, because it would complicate things if we got divorced.”

She took a deep breath. “But you guys made us feel amazing. Like we were viable, again. Like we weren’t done.” She looked across the table, Paige’s eyes flickering in the light of the candles on the table. “And you woke something up. Something in me. Not just the,” she lowered her voice, “lesbian stuff.” She laughed when she realized she’d said that just like her mother might have, dropping it down low when she used the word lesbian. “You helped me find my… confidence.”

Paige sighed and smiled a melancholy smile. “We were really glad to have met you two, you know that, right?”

Jennifer’s “Yeah” was unconvincing.

Paige frowned again. “It’s hard to connect with people.”

“Whatever,” said Jennifer.

Don’t be a brat! she thought, willing it across the table at Jennifer. “You don’t believe me?”

“No,” challenged Jennifer, leaning across the table and dropping her voice again. “I’ve seen you at parties.”

“The confidence?” Paige laughed. “Whatever. Honey, listen, it’s hard to connect with people on deeper levels. We have a lot of friends, but very few we’d consider introducing to the boys. We connected, the four of us, the two of us.” She sighed and looked down. “It was nice. It was new. Bruce and I hadn’t connected with anyone like that in a long time.” She brought her eyes back up. “But things got… intense.”

Jennifer avoided Paige’s gaze. “We were so confident, when we were around you two. When you liked us.”

Paige nodded. “The past tense is interesting there.”

“We haven’t gotten it back,” Jennifer said, her voice a little pleading.

“Well, no.” Paige’s own voice was tight, clipped. “You crashed. You burned. And still haven’t talked about it.”

Jennifer said nothing.

“Why haven’t you?”

“’Cuz it could be bad.”

“Sure,” said Paige. “But so what?”

“We don’t talk about stuff.”

Paige reached across the table and put her hand on Jennifer’s. “And that doesn’t strike you as a problem? The hardest conversations are the ones you need to have the most. You two didn’t have any rules or plans at that party, and it showed.”

Jennifer took her hand away. “Please don’t be mean to me.”

“What?” Paige blinked in surprise. She realized that Jennifer was crying. “I’m not trying to be mean to you, honey…”

She slid her chair next to Jennifer. “Listen, all I’m telling you right here is that you need to talk. We’ve had issues, Bruce and I, issues that seemed insurmountable, but we talk, and sometimes it takes days, but we figure it out.”

Jennifer nodded. “Talk things out.”

“Always.”

“I also have some feelings,” said Jennifer.

“Of course,” Paige returned.

“For you.”

Paige nodded. She’d suspected, of course. Hell, she more than suspected, she knew that Jennifer had feelings for her. “What does that mean to you?” she asked, treading lightly.

“I don’t know,” Jennifer looked at her, forlorn. “But I needed you to know.”

“Because talking,” said Paige.

“Because talking.” Jennifer breathed slowly. “Are you mad?”

“Why would I be mad?”

She shuffled in her seat. “Because we’re not supposed to have feelings.”

“You and I?” Paige thought she knew what Jennifer was getting at, that swingers weren’t supposed to have feelings for one another, but wanted Jennifer to clarify on her own.

She watched her go through a brief moment of being flustered. “I’m not supposed to have feelings for you.”

Okay, thought Paige, that’s probably enough. “You can have feelings for me. I feel strongly for you too, you beautiful thing. That said, right now those feelings are a moot point.”

“Because of everything else.”

“Because of everything else,” repeated Paige.

Jennifer sighed, then was self-conscious at how loud it had been. Paige smiled at her, sadly, sweetly. Understandingly. For months now she’d been worried that, aside from anything else that had happened, her feelings themselves were wrong, inappropriate. To know that it was ok, that right now other things needed to take priority but there was nothing wrong with the way she felt, was like an anvil being lifted off of her.

When they returned home from dinner, Paige pulled Jennifer in for a big hug. She held her for a long while, head on Jennifer’s shoulder. “You are special,” she whispered. “Never feel otherwise. Know you are loved and appreciated, and that there’s nothing wrong with your urges, sexual or romantic. Own what you want.”

Welling up, Jennifer pushed her face into Paige’s hair and took a deep breath, unsure when they’d be this close to each other again. “Do you think we could hang out some time?” she asked, hopeful, but suspecting she knew what the answer would be.

“That’d be great,” said Paige. “Once you guys figure things out. You’re a drama risk right now. High alert. You need to talk to each other, and until you do, you can’t be swingers.”

Paige’s deadly serious tone made Jennifer laugh. “It’s like you’re taking away our car keys.”

She laughed, too. “Yes, you’ve lost your lifestyle privileges. You have to be vanilla for a while.”

Before Jennifer left, Paige leaned forward and left a very light, but lingering, kiss on the corner of her mouth. She held her gaze for a moment, sadness in her eyes.

“Be good,” she said. “Be amazing.”

49

Ryan waited in the living room for his opportunity to say it, to mean it. He’d even turned the lights on this time. He heard the front door open, then close. The shuffling of jacket and shoe removal. Jennifer came up the stairs. She stopped in the doorway behind him. He heard her breathing. They both waited. He didn’t want to interrupt her if—

“Hey,” she said, her voice little more than a whisper.

“I’m sorry,” he said, then he turned around and said it again to her face.

She blinked surprise.

“Do you have time to talk?” he asked.

She nodded.

“Will you sit down with me?”

She nodded again and sat down on the opposite couch. She noticed the takeout container in her hand and set it on the coffee table between them. “There’s half a fillet in there, if you—”

“I’m sorry,” he said again.

Jennifer let out a long breath and cocked her head. “I’m going to need you to tell me what exactly you’re apologizing for.”

That was fair, very fair. He nodded in assent. “First, for being a dick.”

She snorted out a laugh but regained her composure quickly, pursed her lips and nodded. “Alright.”

“No, I know,” he said. “All of it, at the party, I didn’t trust you.”

“You didn’t trust me?”

Quickly, Ryan, you’re losing her. “I mean, I trusted you, absolutely, but subconsciously, I didn’t. I felt other things. I worried you’d go off with someone and ditch me, like, not come home with me at all. Or you’d meet someone interesting, and he’d be more interesting than me.” He took a long breath and dove in, tearing open the wrapping and exposing the inside. “Because I’m not adventurous, and because I don’t have the experience these guys have, or the charisma.”

“You’re charismatic,” she said, offhand.

“Confidence, they had it in spades the way they came up to you, told you that you were beautiful and sexy and amazing. Making a show of telling me the same things about you, to remind me of how lucky I am.” He looked at her. Lucky alright, lucky she even sat across from him right now. “All I could do was see better options for you, better than me. Smarter, sexier, wealthier than me.

“And then Bruce. I mean, he’s just the best of them. All charm, no smarm.”

Her laugh sounded genuine this time.

“Sexy, sophisticated, and he has the one thing I can’t give you.”

She cocked her head. “What?”

“Paige.”

“Ryan,” Jennifer said, “you enabled that possibility. We did that together.”

“I miss… swinger Ryan,” he said, realizing that fact as he said it. “I was better. Better than I ever was before. More confident, less edgy. Certainly better than I’ve been since.”

“I wouldn’t say better, I’d just say—”

“Think about it, remember the way I was at the beginning? Man, the way you looked at me then. Like you were hungry for me. That night you pointed out that we’d essentially lapped ourselves in the sex department. When it was new. When it was exciting.”

“When it was good,” said Jennifer, with a nod.

“We had a blowout,” he told her. “It was big. Because we’d hit a pothole shortly before, and we’d never quite recovered from it.”

“That’s enough metaphors for you,” said Jennifer, moving to sit next to him. She took his hands in hers. “We can fix this.”

“I don’t want to lose you,” said Ryan.

“Then you need to stop pushing me away,” she replied.

“I know.”

“You’re right.” Jennifer could feel the tears coming. “Our time after meeting Bruce and Paige was the most fun we’ve ever had together. And I think that was the closest I’ve ever felt to you.”

“We connected,” said Ryan. “Much deeper than before. But that meltdown was spectacular.”

She couldn’t argue with that. “We added a lot of complexity to our lives very quickly. What sort of idiots were we, to think that there wouldn’t be a learning curve?”

He smiled, but it was short lived. “I saw the card,” he said, looking away. “The divorce attorney.”

Jennifer nodded, feeling a momentary flush of embarrassment. Then she remembered that she had nothing to be embarrassed about. That he’d pushed her so far, and so hard, by being just… awful. Her jaw tightened, and she was about to tell him why she had it, that she thought she might use it, when he sidelined her.

“I understand if you want to use it,” he said. “I’ve been terrible since that night. It’s my fault, and I’m sorry.”

She decided to try to salvage, instead. “It melted down because we went in stupid,” she said.

“Without rules,” said Ryan.

“Well,” said Jennifer, “We could set some.”

He met her eyes. In an instant, Jennifer saw a bit of a flash. The flash of potential, that maybe, somehow, they could find their way back. Back to each other, back to the world. But before they did…

“But you can’t treat me that way again.”

Ryan nodded.

“Ever,” said Jennifer, slapping her hand on his knee. “You didn’t respect me enough to treat me like a person. You treated me like this thing you owned.”

“I’m sor—”

“Listen, I really need to say this to you!” she said, poking him in the chest.

He nodded in silence.

“You don’t own me. Or my feelings. Or my desires.”

He nodded again.

“And I’m not sitting around this house in silence for days ever again! Do you understand me?” She took a deep breath and stared him down.

He nodded once more.

“Okay,” she said, sitting back and putting her hands on her knees. “Here’s what I would like. And you can talk again, by the way.”

Ryan gave her a small smile, but still just nodded silently.

“We can’t swing right now.”

“No,” agreed Ryan.

“Paige said we’re a drama risk,” she told him, and he nodded in assent. “We need to reconnect. We had some amazing sex before that party, and there’s no reason we can’t continue to have that.”

“I agree.”

“But more importantly, we need to talk. A lot. Often. About stupid things, as well as important things. We need to talk so much that when we hit conflict, our default will be talking, instead of…” She trailed off to demonstrate the alternative. “How do you feel about what I want?”

“I’m on board.”

She put her hand on his. “Now, I want you to really think, just for a moment. We can restart our lives together here. Do you want to do this with me?”

He looked into her eyes. “Yes, I do. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

She kissed him, realizing exactly how long it had been since she’d done that. Their lips pressed tightly together, wrapped in each other’s arms. A kiss of assurance. A kiss of memory. A kiss reminding them what it had once been like. The warmth returned to the room. Perhaps it had just been the furnace kicking on, but it pushed them forward.

When the kiss loosened and invited the tongues to the party, she felt flush. She’d missed this so very much, missed him. That person she’d left the party with, that person she’d lived with since, that hadn’t been Ryan. Just a shell instead, wearing his clothes, shuffling around their house without purpose. For the first time in forever, she felt like Ryan was there with her.

She slid her hand up his leg, finding him hard. A pulse, the beginnings of the wave, rocked through her, beginning between her legs and shooting tendrils upward. They kissed harder, tongues deeper. Moving back and forth, sucking and nibbling on lips and tongues. She unzipped his fly.

Jennifer’s eyes widened when Ryan reversed their positions. They didn’t break the kiss as he moved in front of her. He took her head in his hands and kissed up her cheek and down her chin to her neck, down her neck to her collar. He reached his hands to the hem of her dress and paused.

She opened her eyes. They stared into each other.

“Is this okay,” he asked, breathless.

“Yeah,” she said, “Yeah, whatever, just… touch me.”

He lunged, and the kiss elevated to another level. He slid his hands up her thighs, discovering with muffled surprise that she had no panties. He laughed.

“What?” she asked, letting a sly smile crawl across her lips.

They grinned at each other for a moment, then Ryan dove between her legs, licking and sucking with a surge of vigor and ferocity. With one hand she gripped a clump of his hair, with the other the couch, feeling the need to keep herself from taking flight and drifting away. The first wave broke, then two smaller ones followed. Ryan upped his game, sliding two fingers inside beneath his tongue.

The next wave that broke crashed on her shore in a cascade of wetness. She looked down at his soaked grinning face and realized she’d just found the female ejaculation orgasm Paige had raved about.

“Well,” he said, “That was new.”

Wide eyed, she nodded.

Her husband returned between her legs, wave after wave of orgasm, none as explosive as the surprise one, but all intense. He continued to lick and suck until she held her hand up, palm out, exhausted.

As she worked hard to catch her breath, Ryan kissed his way back up to her face, giving her two kisses on the lips. A flutter deep in her core as she tasted herself on his lips. She smiled.

“What do you want?” he asked her.

About to speak, Jennifer realized what her answer always would’ve been in the past, regardless of what she actually wanted. Something for him, something demure, something like “I’m fine.” Not tonight, kiddo, she told herself.

“Ice cream,” she said. “Lots.”

He grinned back. “I’ll get my keys.”

50

“That is, without a doubt,” said Ryan, pausing for emphasis, “The largest American flag I’ve ever seen that wasn’t flying over a sporting event.”

Jennifer looked at the flag flying over Barbara and Noah’s front door and nodded. “Maybe the one over the expressway?”

Ryan turned to her. “Are you ready for this?”

She laughed. “Not even slightly,” she said and crossed the lawn toward the house.

He watched her stride, two short pigtails bobbing as she went, red, white, and blue ribbons holding them up.

She looked back over her shoulder at him. “You checking out my ass?”

“Yup,” he said.

She stuck it out a little more, her navy blue shorts lighting a fire in him. “You coming?” she asked him.

“Hopefully not yet!”

Ryan hadn’t been to The Watkins’ himself since that evening with Noah, figuring that after the beat down he’d been given, he ought to wait until he experienced some results, at least. They’d both been happy to receive the barbecue invite in June. “Maybe fences are being mended,” he’d offered.

“It’s a big step, though. For Noah and Barbara. Inviting us.”

“It is.”

Barbara and Noah’s 4th of July Barbecue was their second largest event, just behind the Christmas party. Everybody was invited, friends, family, coworkers. Jennifer had asked the question Ryan had on his mind as well. “Do you think they’ll be there?”

He didn’t know, shrugged.

He caught up with her near the side of the house, a case of Summer Shandy under his arm. She reached out and grabbed his hand. She leaned closer to him, filling his nostrils with her intoxicating scent. He had no idea what this one was called, but he’d buy her a gross of it if she told him the name

“Deep breath,” she said.

They walked through the gate and into the yard. Barbara and Noah owned a large plot of land behind their house, surprisingly large for the neighborhood. He’d mentioned something once about the previous owners having bought the house behind them to tear it down. In the space, kids ran and screamed, clusters of people divided themselves into the “how do you know” categories. We’re work friends. We’re family. We’re vague acquaintances who might be upset if we weren’t invited.

A hand went up, just behind a cluster of people crowded around a row of coolers. Sam waved. Ryan dropped the twenty-four into ice and took cans for himself and Jennifer, popping the tops off before joining Sam and Patti Morton. They stood near each other in silence, smiling and nodding for what seemed like an eon.

“So, how are Bruce and Paige?” asked Sam.

“Good,” said Ryan, unsure why he’d said that. He wouldn’t know how they were, of course, not having spoken to them in a couple months, but that’d just be so complicated to explain. He was about to retract his statement when Jennifer saved him.

“We actually don’t see them much,” she said.

“Really?” asked Patti. She looked surprisingly disappointed by that.

“We’ve been reconnecting on our own,” offered Ryan. “Taking a break.”

“Then you’re not swingers anymore?” Patti blinked at them. Sam also waited intently for the answer.

How to answer that, Ryan wasn’t sure. Were they currently swingers? Perhaps not really, they hadn’t done anything resembling swinging since that play party that had gone south. But again, the Mortons didn’t want to know that. They were just being polite, of course. Just asking because they thought it was important to him and Jennifer.

“I’d say we’re on hiatus,” said Jennifer.

Ryan bobbed his head up and down quickly in assent, then smiled at her. Well done, he said with his eyes. She winked.

“We’re just glad you two are talking to each other again,” said Barbara, swinging near the cluster with two large trays of meat. Sausages, hamburgers, bratwurst, hunks of chicken and beef on skewers. She leaned in and kissed both Ryan and Jennifer on the cheek.

“We really are,” seconded Patti.

“Thanks guys,” Ryan said. “That means a lot.”

“Okay,” said Barbara. “Gotta bring the meat for the grill!” She headed toward the patio behind the house, where a billow of smoke sailed skyward as Noah, wearing an apron and an enormous chef’s hat, opened the top of his grill. He took the hat off and waved it in the direction of whatever was, this very moment, getting char broiled.

“So, I think we owe you some thanks,” said Sam, pointing with his bottle of hard cider.

The color drained from Patti’s face. She looked mortified. “Oh, no, Sam! Not now!”

“What is it?” asked Jennifer.

Sam, uncertain what to do, turned to Patti, who rolled her eyes at him. She leaned in toward Ryan and Jennifer. “Your little… thing.”

“Our little… thing.” Ryan repeated, making sure to put Patti’s dramatic pause in the same place.

She narrowed her eyes at him. “You know what I mean. Your swinging thing.”

“Oh,” said Jennifer. “Our swinging thing.”

“It’s led to some…” she trailed off and put her hands up. “This isn’t appropriate barbecue conversation. There are kids around.” To prove it, Patti poked a finger in the direction of a child.

Sam rolled his eyes. “Oh, whatever.” He turned back to Ryan and Jennifer. “Patti’s not interested in swinging.”

Ryan looked at his wife, who shrugged. “We weren’t trying to pick you two up. You know that, right?”

“Don’t feel bad about it, though!” added Jennifer.

“We don’t,” said Patti in her clipped tone. She dropped her voice to a whisper. “But it made me realize I am interested in…” She looked away. “Jeez.”

“Being more playful,” said Sam with a smile.

“Yeah.” Patti didn’t turn back to them.

“Like, role playing and stuff,” continued Sam.

“Enough!”

He turned to his wife. “I just want to make sure they understand what—”

“We get it,” said Jennifer.

“And spanking,” added Sam, as though he weren’t in control of his words. “Did you know there’s a dungeon club in the city?”

“Sam!” exclaimed Patti.

Ryan laughed. “And that’s working for you?”

He saw a genuine smile on Sam’s face, echoed by Patti. Something he couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen. “Very well,” said Sam, full of pride at the revelation.

“Very well,” Patti repeated. “Now can we stop talking about it?”

51

Jennifer dug through the cabinets under the wet bar in the surprisingly empty basement. She and Ryan came in for some air conditioning, but also because they’d been watching the yard gate a bit too intently, wondering if Bruce and Paige would show. Wondering, without wanting to ask their hosts, if it was even a possibility.

It had taken everything she had to not reach out, at all, in the intervening months. Paige had sent a single text with a thumbs up emoji, slash, thumbs down emoji.

Jennifer had returned, Working on it.

Day by day, working on it. Week by week, working on it. One thing was certain, it felt a lot less like work these days. Not the wild feelings of those months spent swinging, perhaps, but days to rival the best in their marriage. She looked up from the cabinets under the bar and saw Ryan smiling at her, hands folded, waiting.

“I don’t know where he keeps anything,” she said and held her empty hands up.

“It might all be outside,” offered Ryan.

“Do you have any idea how much Scotch is down here?” she asked. She pointed above her, to the shelves of various Scotch lining the back wall of the bar. “That ain’t got nothing on this. Do you like any of these? ’Cuz Scotch we got!”

He laughed. “No, I’m good.”

She stood up and put her arms on the bar. “Are you now?”

“I am,” he said. “Now.”

She lifted herself to her tip toes so she could lean across the bar and kiss him. When she began to slide backward, she grabbed onto the lapels of his bowling shirt, pulling him across the bar toward her. They kissed for a while.

“Can I call dibs? Do I need to put a quarter on the bar or something?”

Ryan and Jennifer parted and turned toward Paige, standing at the bottom of the stairs, smiling at them. Jennifer felt her chest flush.

“Who you want?” asked Ryan, pointing to Jennifer, then himself, then Jennifer again.

“I’m not a one-person gal.” Paige sidled up to the bar, her denim shorts clinging to her round ass. She sat down next to Ryan and looked between them. She leaned over the bar to Jennifer, saying, “If you don’t mind,” as she went. Jennifer’s eyes slid closed as she nodded. Their kiss seemed to create a vacuum, all sound fading out, until she could only hear her heartbeat, and faintly Paige’s. Paige tasted like honey.

Jennifer held her lips together, afraid of being the one to part lips first, afraid of… what, actually? She opened her mouth and advanced the kiss, reaching across the bar she put her hand on the back of Paige’s neck. There was nothing wrong with what she wanted.

“I leave for two minutes to get drinks and the girls are already kissing,” said Bruce, four hard ciders in his hands.

The girls split apart but didn’t move farther, their eyes locked onto each other’s. “I missed the hell out of you,” said Paige.

Jennifer felt tingles run down her spine and nodded, kept nodding. Paige kissed Ryan hello, a kiss that might not have matched the intensity of the one with Jennifer, but felt significant nonetheless. Bruce came around the bar to greet Jennifer with a kiss of his own.

“We hear good things,” said Bruce, after the foursome relocated to the rec room opposite the bar. Paige kicked off her shoes and snuggled beneath the crook in Bruce’s arm. Jennifer and Ryan mirrored the position, on the other side of the sectional couch.

“About?” Jennifer asked.

“That you two are talking. That you two are solid.”

Jennifer nodded. “We think so.”

“That’s good,” he said.

Ryan laughed. “I’m rather surprised that our hosts have left the four of us alone down here together for so long.”

“Oh yes, Ryan,” said Bruce. “Bask in the warm embrace of simple, no-questions-asked acceptance.” He raised his cider. “Now, doesn’t it feel nice?”

“Very,” agreed Ryan.

Jennifer sat up and turned to face them. Something needed to be said, and she thought it’d be best to just put it out there. “So we had all sorts of things that we wanted to say to you both. Big things. Apologetic things.”

Ryan nodded assent.

“But I’m feeling like a simple ‘we’re sorry’ might do, at least for now.”

“It does plenty,” said Paige.

“Someday we’ll have to tell you about our early drama and meltdowns,” said Bruce.

Paige nodded toward Jennifer. “Like the time he fucked his secretary.”

“You wound me, Paige,” said Bruce, then to Ryan and Jennifer he added. “The rules thing, I didn’t know!”

“Well,” said Ryan. He thought for a moment and then smiled at them. “Instead of that long and drawn out apology, we’ll just say this. Do we want to fuck you? Yes. Do we want to be your friends even if—”

“Shut up,” laughed Paige, diving atop the two of them. She kissed Ryan, deeper than before.

“We really have missed you guys,” said Bruce.

Paige moved to Jennifer, leaving Ryan a bit dazed. “No one to party with?” he asked.

Bruce laughed. “Plenty of people to party with,” he assured Ryan, then winked.

“Just no one like you guys,” said Paige before kissing him again.

Jennifer looked up to Bruce, alone on the other couch, and invited him over with her eyes. He smiled and waved her off. She was about to try again when Paige interrupted her by climbing into her lap.

“Well,” said Noah in the doorway to the rec room. “This is great and all, guys. And let me say, I’m really glad that you four crazy kids are going to make a go of it. Truly. I’d just really rather that go of it wasn’t in my rec room at 4:00 in the afternoon. While my family and friends and coworkers mill about at the barbecue outside. You know, maybe I’m old fashioned. Okay?” He grinned a tense grin. “Yes? Good. Thank you.”

He disappeared from the doorway, the four in the rec room looking after him.

After a moment he reappeared. “Oh, yes, there are also sausages upstairs. You can eat those instead. So as not to traumatize my nieces.”

“Well,” said Bruce, after it was clear Noah had actually gone upstairs. “Shall we eat? And then decide where to take this show?”

Jennifer agreed.

They went upstairs together.

52

A small crack in the ceiling captivated Ryan, but only for a moment, as he lay in bed with three other people, collapsed in a puddle of heaving flesh. Unlike the dates that had come before, where there had been some token separation, coupling, tonight everything had melded together with renewed vigor.

It had, after all, been months since they’d last intertwined.

There was never a moment where less than three people touched like extended circuits, Bruce Jennifer Paige, Ryan Paige Bruce, Ryan Bruce Jennifer, Bruce Paige Ryan, and then often, all four, completing the circuit.

Bruce leaned over to him. “What’re you looking at?”

Ryan pointed at the crack.

“I know how to fix that,” said Bruce.

“That doesn’t surprise me,” said Ryan.

He rolled atop Jennifer, kissing her, then kissing Paige next to her. He thought back to the first moment, that crazy suggestion, the words his wife had said to him, and he laughed.

“What?” she asked and placed a kiss on the tip of his nose.

“Well,” he said, “There’s always swinging.”

With a smile on her face, Paige asked, “That was the day you changed your lives?”

The Lamberts laughed, knowing nothing would ever be the same.

Author’s Note

This project has been unlike any other I’ve thus far undertaken. A Life Less Monogamous began its life as a screenplay I wrote back, in my early days of swinging, pre Life on the Swingset and other such nonsense. Over the course of my time “on the swingset” I’d noodled around with the first five thousand words of this manuscript.

With deadlines mounting for an as yet unfinished project, a prescriptive tome entitled The Big Book of Swinging, I searched for something, anything, to distract me, and came upon the first chapter of this story. Liking it quite a bit (it’s only been through minor changes to become the chapter that opens this current version), I abandoned the work I should’ve been doing and embarked upon the greatest single act of procrastination of my entire career.

A Life Less Monogamous was written as an experiment, a NaNoWriMo simulacrum, and it’s only in existence now because of the screenplay skeleton that came before, as well as the tireless efforts of Kat, Lauren, and Ginger, who read it nightly as new chapters arrived in their inboxes. This method – which I, full of hubris, continually called Dickensian – helped keep me moving forward, even as I arrived in places I was unsure about.

Looking back over it, I believe it contains some of my finest writing on the dense topic of non-monogamy, and I’m incredibly proud to have this story out in the world. We the weirdos, the non-monos, the swingers, have been incredibly under-represented in the world of media, and that is something I hope is beginning to change. If I am to be among those firing the first salvos, it’s an honor and a privilege.

As I wrap this project up and begin the next (though I wonder if I’ll procrastinate on that one with something else), I must give thanks to those in my life who’ve helped me: the amazingly generous folk who overlooked spelling errors, grammar issues, meandering sentences, and some downright weird tenses to read early versions of this manuscript; my post production support team of Lauren and Alicia; Kari my wonderfully patient editor; and the love of my life, Ophilia, who smiled and said, “Whatever you need to do,” when I needed to work.

And, as always, to you the reader. Thank you.

— Cooper S. Beckett

January 31, 2016

About the Author

Cooper S. Beckett is the founder of Life on the Swingset & host of its swinging & polyamory podcast. He speaks and teaches classes on pegging, swinging, polyamory, play parties, and non-monogamy. He is a graphic & web designer, photographer, and voice over artist, has been a guest expert on Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast, & is the announcer for Tristan Taormino’s radio show Sex Out Loud. He is also the author of My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory and is working on two new books, The Big Book of Swinging, and Approaching the Swingularity.

He lives in Chicago with his partner Ophilia Tesla.

This is his first novel.

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Excerpt from “My Life on the Swingset”

The following essay appears in Cooper’s memoir:

My Life on the Swingset

Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory

Find My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory, a book of essays by Cooper S. Beckett at MyLifeOnTheSwingset.com

Be Cool

I am very positively, very certainly, not cool.

I’ve alternately been a nerd and a geek as long as I can remember. You know, the kind of person who discovers something cool like swinging and rather than bask in the light of it and suck the marrow from its bones, builds a website and podcast to talk about it. That kind of uncool. Oh, yes.

So, would it surprise you, faithful reader, to know that I was also tremendously uncool in high school? In college? Only once did I get to hang out with the cooler kids, and it was because our school froze one day. Literally. Gotta love the Midwest. That day I somehow got invited along with a bunch of others to one of the cheerleaders’ houses. I spent my time watching these cool kids. Thinking about how nice it must be to have their friends and their fun and their relationships and their (I was very sure then, mildly sure now) kinky sex.

Whereas, I lost my virginity the summer after high school… in a long term monogamous relationship to boot.

So why dredge all this up?

Well, I sorta realized something. While I still would never consider myself cool, these days I’m doing the things cool people do. Exploring sexuality and experimenting, going to very interesting parties, enjoying friends from all walks of life, and most definitely having sex with people outside my relationship with my partner’s full permission and participation. In fact, I’d like to jaunt this thought one step further. I’m reasonably certain (because how certain can you be?) that the football team captain I vaguely wanted to be in high school (mostly because he slept with both the girls I confided in him that I liked) has had fewer sexual partners than I have. I’m far more confident that he hasn’t participated in a sixteen person orgy.

In fact, this can be said about the vast majority of the folks that I wanted to be in times gone by. I wanted to be them because they were having all of the cake, as it were. They were living glamorous lives, and doing glamorous things, and having glamorous stories.

In high school.

Now, as I am friends on Facebook with quite a few of these folk, I know exactly what they’re doing and who they are. Most of them are popping out their second or third kid, talking about which Mega Church they cult off to every week (like jacking off, but with “God”), and otherwise living the preposterously mundane life that, well, I used to live in high school.

The cool kids always seemed exceptional to me, like they’d managed to tap a vein of gold that was making them emotionally, sexually, and physically rich beyond their wildest dreams. Sure, many of them would argue with me that they had problems too, and it’s not easy being popular, and that not everything was as it looked, and that… oh my, I just fell asleep boring myself with their woes. And now, the vein seems to have dried up.

I’m confident that many of them are quite happy with their lives, and more power to them. But as news trickles in through the grapevine of troubles all around, I observe that a lot of them peaked early. That they had their days of fun and those days are behind them. It’s time to be grown-ups now.

Which is, I think, why we “play.” By “we”, I mean swingers.

They’ve all grown up to their grown-up jobs and their grown-up responsibilities and their grown-up hobbies (like fly fishing) and their grown-up lawn mowing and dog walking and carpooling and minivanning; all looking back on what The Boss called Glory Days. Days that can’t be recaptured. Days that are long gone. As though they’ve forgotten where the fun is and have replaced it with simulacrum.

But still, we play.

We haven’t forgotten how to play. From the youngest playmate I’ve had in their twenties to the oldest in their fifties, we remember to enjoy… to suck the aforementioned marrow out of life (as well as other stuff out of other things) and seize us some diem.

I’m tempted to reach out to some of them and remind them that they can still have fun being grown-ups. Others it just makes me snigger that I’ve finally found something cool that I get to do and they don’t. ’Cuz even if I can’t fathom that I might be considered cool, I’m doing something that not many people get to do in their lives, and something that might cause others, even that high school jock, to envy me.

Holy shit, that’s odd.

A Note

This novel, as well as its predecessor My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory were both published independently by Cooper S. Beckett. Because of this, we could really use your help sharing and promoting the work.

The easiest and best way you can show support is with a five star review on Amazon, iBooks, or Goodreads. Reviews help the book get noticed.

If you enjoyed the book and would like to purchase an autographed paperback or audiobook, they can be purchased direct from Cooper at ALifeLessMonogamous.com

Read Cooper’s memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory as an ebook, signed paperback, or audiobook. All at MyLifeOnTheSwingset.com

Like Cooper’s facebook page, follow him on twitter, instagram, tumbler, and elsewhere at these links:

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Copyright

Copyright © 2016 by Cooper S. Beckett

Cover Illustration by Corbett Vanoni

All rights reserved. Except for brief passages quoted in newspaper, magazine, radio, television, or online reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording, or by information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author.

Although the author and publisher have made every effort to ensure that the information in this book was correct at press time, the author and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party for any loss, damage, or disruption caused by errors or omissions, whether such errors or omissions result from negligence, accident, or any other cause.

The events and stories in this book are true, but the ravages of time consume us all, so they may no longer be entirely factual. Names have been changed to protect the innocent and guilty alike. Your mileage may vary.

Published Internationally by Hump and Circumstance

Printed in the United States

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First Edition

First Printing: February, 2016

ISBN: 978-1518685712

BISAC: Fiction / Literary

Hump & Circumstance Press

Chicago, Illinois

CooperSBeckett.com

Content

Cooper S. Beckett
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Author’s Note

About the Author

Newsletter

Excerpt from “My Life on the Swingset”

A Note

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