Burl Barer

Capture the Saint

Chapter 1

How Simon Templar Spoke of Skiffs, and Salvadore Alisdare Became Agitated.

1

“Why are you still alive, Mr Templar?”

Simon Templar, alias the Saint, was only momentarily taken aback by the one unrehearsed question posed by perky television talk-show host Connie Cain during the live afternoon broadcast of “Coffee with Connie,” Seattle, Washington’s most popular local program.

“Mythological characters such as myself seldom age at the going rate,” responded the Saint cheerfully. “And if survival is the topic,” offered Simon, “I have been shot at, shackled, handcuffed, gassed, and interviewed by trained broadcast journalists — the relative degree of danger inherent in each being open to debate.”

The small studio audience laughed warmly and applauded with approval as the mildly bemused and professionally coiffed hostess signaled for a commercial break.

“You are very good at this, Mr. Templar. Do you do a lot of television?” Her question seemed curiously genuine in contrast to the alternately sanguine and saccharine couching of her on-air delivery.

“I find precious little on television worth watching,” stated Simon with disarming honesty. “But this is more fun than being either shackled or gassed, although I was once grilled for information under lights almost as intense as these.”

“Did you talk?”

“Not a word,” confided the Saint in hushed tones of mock severity. “Of course, the unsavory individual asking the questions was sadly bereft of your charm, grace, and intrinsic allure.” Simon may have been overdoing the charm, but the studio audience enjoyed the banter.

“When we come back from the commercial,” Ms Cain did her best to avoid a slight blush, “we’ll talk about the movie.”

The movie to which she referred was about to have its auspicious Seattle premier, and while the career of Simon Templar was once as well known as any celluloid adventure concocted for any contemporary hero, it was not a fictionalized version of the Saint’s life that had received the Hollywood treatment.

The simple truth is that Barney Malone, semi-retired Hollywood producer and established acquaintance of the Saint, spent a year on his knees and several hours in a bar convincing Simon Templar to sell him the movie rights to ‘The Pirate’, the Saint’s singular excursion into the world of adventure fiction. Written decades earlier and now creaking with age and bending under the weight of unintentional anachronisms, the novel was at best a derivative pot-boiler distinguished only by the romantic escapades of its Hispanic hero.

The initial sales of ‘The Pirate’ had been more than respectable, an adjective never utilized in the descriptive prose published by the world’s press when documenting the extra-legal activities of its youthful author who, at the time of its original publication, was earning his international reputation as the Robin Hood of Modern Crime.

The fact that a tag-team of screenwriters had rendered the plot and characters of Templar’s original story unrecognizable did not surprise him.

“I lost faith in films about the time of The Falcon,” admitted the Saint to Malone in only half jest. “I have far more faith in the stability of the dollar and the morality of Monarchs.”

The dollars Simon Templar was earning from Malone’s cinematic adaptation were more than enough to prompt the Saint to sit under the hot lights of a television studio, banter with entertainment page pundits, and spend a few pleasant days traveling the West Coast at Malone’s expense to promote the film’s debut.

To those who follow the career of Simon Templar, it may seem tragic that the exploits of the Twentieth Century’s Brightest Buccaneer would be relegated to the entertainment pages rather than dominating the headlines. The Saint was perfectly pleased to be absent from the latest Seattle headlines — a front page story detailing the death by gunfire of a weasel-like miscreant who most often utilized the moniker Salvadore Alisdare. Simon Templar, the affable and entertaining talk-show guest was the exceptionally singular twist in the story; the one missing piece neither police nor reporters were ever able to place.

Simon Templar was not the last man to see Alisdare alive. That doubtful honor was reserved for the individual who, meeting him in a Madison street alley during morning’s wee hours, punctuated the climax of their distasteful conversation by puncturing Alisdare’s lungs with several slugs from a .38 revolver. The Saint saw both men prior to their eventful convergence, knew the outcome of their meeting long before reporters detailed the events in print, and was not the least surprised to read of Alisdare’s death nor the subsequent arrest of the cold blooded killer. Although he encouraged the first’s demise and arranged the second’s arrest, the Saint’s primary intention was a unique and memorable birthday surprise for Barney Malone.

As the historic pleasure craft “Thea Foss” passed under Lake Washington’s Evergreen Point Bridge uniting Seattle with the Eastside suburban communities of Bellevue and Kirkland, Barney Malone raised a small green bottle of Perrier above his sunburned, balding head. “To ‘The Pirate’,” Malone offered as a proud if not predictable toast.

“To Thea Foss,” countered Simon holding aloft his Peter Dawson. “And her memorable motto, ‘Always Ready’.”

“What was she, a Boy Scout?”. Malone’s dark eyes darted about as if anticipating a vaudeville audience’s response from the nearby seagulls.

“The Scout motto is ‘Be Prepared’,” Simon corrected cheerfully. “A subtle difference and subtlety was never your strong point.”

Malone, bedecked in blue Dockers and matching windbreaker, sat back in the yellow canvas deck chair and studied the bronzed features of his long time acquaintance.

“OK, Simon. I know you’re up to something. What’s the story?”

“Let’s begin back in 1889.” The Saint leaned back comfortably and tilted his head to catch more of the sun on his already tanned face. “Dear old Thea Foss was living on a houseboat in Tacoma when a neighbor sold her his skiff for five bucks.”

“Wow. I am really enthralled now,” Barney faked a yawn. “When does someone get shot? If someone doesn’t get shot it won’t make a movie.”

“Hollywood has rotted your brain,” observed the Saint as if he had only that moment discovered the obvious. “Next you will be telling me about past-life lovers and the ancient ascended masters.”

“The only ascended masters I know are DeMille, Hitchcock, and the guy who made King Kong,” countered Malone proudly, “And if I had past lives worth remembering, they would have been on the Late Show by now, and colorized.”

“Thea Foss has been on the Late Show, except she was called ‘Tug Boat Annie’.” Simon waited for the anticipated reaction.

He didn’t have to wait long.

“Tugboat Annie!” Malone was instantly animated.

Sitting bolt upright with a suddenness that almost upended his deck-chair, Malone’s voice increased in volume by several decibels. “Marie Dressler, Wallace Berry... wait, don’t tell me the director...”

The mere mention of old movies activated a hidden circuit in the mind of Barney Malone. His otherwise adult and cynical nature defered to a markedly more youthful demeanor, exulting in the ability to recall with near total precision the cast and credits of innumerable Hollywood films.

The Saint confidently awaited Malone’s accurate remembrance.

“Mervyn LeRoy. 1933. Starring Robert Young and Maureen O’Sullivan as the obligatory young lovers,” rattled off Malone in staccato bursts of cinema savvy. “Am I right or am I right?”

“Absolutely accurate and correct,” confirmed Templar, “Tugboat Annie and Thea Foss are one and the same. From humble beginnings...” Simon gestured to Barney for the appropriate conclusion.

“To one of the largest tugboat companies in the world.” Simon Templar swirled the ice in his half-empty glass. “Foss Tugs roam the world, Barney. The boats have evolved from Thea’s first five dollar rowboat to the husky deep-draft ocean tugs that are familiar sights in nearly every ocean.”

“So?” Malone looked at Simon, awaiting the kicker.

“So,” replied the mercurial Mr Templar, “you are sitting on a true treasure.”

“Treasure?” Malone closed one eye, peering at the Saint as if through a spy glass. “Did Thea Foss stash some cash on board?” Malone, still squinting, attempted appearing Picaresque.

“Thea Foss never saw this exact craft in her entire life,” sighed the Saint. “Dear old Thea passed away in 1927. The Foss Maritime Company bought this ship in 1950 from a group of geological scientists working off the coast of California.”

Malone pulled an ugly cigar out of his pocket and stuffed it into the side of his mouth.

“Don’t say it, Templar,” warned Barney. “I’ll stop smoking when you stop drinking. Besides, if this was one of Charteris’ old Saint stories, you’d have smoked half a pack by the time we got to that line about Tugboat Annie.”

“Well,” the Saint slowly tilted his head away from the unlit but potentially offensive cylinder of tobacco. “if you want to know more about the treasure...”

Malone removed the cigar.

“Allow me to acquaint you with the vessel’s characteristics,” continued the Saint lightly, “her length is 12 feet with a twenty-one foot six inch beam, eight foot draft and displacement of three hundred tons. She has twin Atlas Diesel engines, horsepower of 550 b.h.p, cruising speed of 10 knots, officers and crew total five, and ten people may sleep overnight, but not with any degree of privacy nor intimacy.”

“So tell me,” interrupted Malone, “when does...”

“Someone get shot? They already did. Don’t you read the papers? It was a tragic story of back alley execution, low life crime, and high-stakes extortion. It will make a delightful motion picture,” insisted the Saint, “suitable for the entire family, provided the entire family is over forty, armed, and dangerous.”

“People over forty don’t go to movies,” scowled Malone as if confessing a tragic secret, “they rent videos of old movies.”

The Saint ignored Malone’s depressing digression into the realities of show business, and banged his foot on the ship’s deck much as men kick the tires of used cars.

“It’s built of 3/8 inch rolled steel, same as a World War II battleship. In those days she had anti-aircraft guns on her foredeck and carried a dozen depth charges on her fantail.”

“So did a dancer on La Cienega Boulevard I knew back in the ’40s,” deadpanned Barney. “Sorry, Simon, but I simply can’t enthuse about old warships. Now, you want to talk about actors, that’s a different matter. War ships? They mean nothing to me. And if by treasure you mean that this ship won a medal for having big guns bolted on deck,” Barney was building volume in mock bombast, slipping into his best Lionel Barrymore impersonation, “then the famous Simon Templar had better park his Hirondel at Cars of the Stars because I fear the man has become too senile to drive.”

“Senile is what Julius Caesar said to Cleopatra”, countered the Saint. “Do you do any other members of the Barrymore family, or are you a one trick impressionist?”

Barney rose to the challenge. Standing erect and windswept on deck, he turned sideways to Simon and gazed resolutely to the horizon.

Short and slightly lumpy, Barney Malone did not cut a romantic figure. The Saint gave this silent impression serious consideration before offering his opinion.

“Ethel Barrymore, sister of Lionel and John”, decided the Saint.

Barney allowed his flabby chin to hit his chest.

“True, true, all too true”, Malone faked a slight sob. “John was ‘The Great Profile’, I however, resemble Ethel. You could have been sporting enough to say ‘John Barrymore’ just to flatter me on my birthday.”

The Saint found Malone vastly amusing. Perhaps it was Barney’s unique ability to combine considerable business savvy with an unpretentious, almost childlike appreciation for the joys of his avocation.

“Flattery is not an appropriate gift for a man of your distinction and achievements, Mr Malone,” beamed the Saint. “You deserve something far more tangible. Say, several thousand dollars in cash and a King salmon buffet.”

Malone plopped back into the deck chair, eyed his cigar, and ran one stubby hand through his almost invisible hair.

“I wouldn’t take the money if it passed through your hands, Saint.” Barney’s eyes paid tribute to Eddie Cantor. “Lord knows what vile creature had it before you. I earn my money the old fashioned way — making movies for middle income twelve to twenty four year olds with enough cash to pay the inflated ticket prices at the multiplex. King salmon buffet, however, is perfectly acceptable.”

Invited to the upper deck by an officious white jacketed crewman, the two men enjoyed an obligatory Seattle latte while culinary experts in the galley began preparation of the aforementioned buffet.

After a few thoughtful sips of exceptional espresso, Simon called Malone’s attention to a grouping of condominiums on the lake’s West side.

“See that area over there? It’s called Madison Park.”

Barney nodded. He was not familiar with Madison Park, but he knew the general geographic area to which Simon referred. It was one of Seattle’s older, smaller, and more relaxed lake-bordering neighborhoods.

“Something very interesting happened in that lovely location late last night. I robbed a man who didn’t exist of over $50,000.”

There was no snappy come-back from Barney Malone. A relative silence punctuated by gull cries and augmented by the low rumble of Atlas Diesels informally requested clarification of Templar’s cryptic comment.

Malone locked eyes with the Saint, slowly pulled a silver Zippo from the right hand pocket of his windbreaker and proceeded to light the cigar. “If you didn’t shoot him,” Barney puffed, “it won’t make a movie.”

“Movies, movies, movies,” moaned the Saint. “And you were once a man of letters.”

“Newspapers can’t make you dance,” Malone countered. “With movies, I dance all the way to the bank. Now, tell me the story before I shoot you — no, wait, let me guess. It all starts with a small knot of struggling men.”

“Wrong story.”

“Then it must begin at a cocktail party where you are approached by a beautiful woman who wants you to kill the husband, remove her rival, or invest in a new line of lipstick.”

“Not this time.”

“Templar, let me give you a piece of advice. Always begin with your hero in mortal danger, then make it get worse as the plot unfolds.”

“If you would let me unfold it, you might enjoy it.”

Malone, having irritated the Saint to the point acceptable in their relationship, leaned back and drew deeply on his cigar. For Barney Malone, this was the all clear signal.

2

The Saint’s story began with neither struggling men nor beautiful women, but with an ice sculpture. While Simon Templar had seen his share of slowly melting swans, frozen busts of famous patriots, and even a lovingly rendered representation of two moose locking antlers, he had never encountered a five foot high block of ice which left him so chilled.

The sculpture, elevated by a stainless steel pedestal and back-lit by neon, shimmered in amplified translucence and tasteless overstatement. Serving as an unsubtle centerpiece for a mutated form of cocktail party known as a media reception, it dominated the room and overshadowed the buffet.

Simon Templar had seen so many astounding and unexpected items in his adventurous career that to say he was agog, stunned, or speechless would stretch the credulity of any enlightened follower of these chronicles. But the honest and accurate report must document that Simon Templar’s eyes, while not bugging cartoon-like from their sockets, widened by a perceptible degree while his jaw’s resolute ratchet mechanism involuntarily slipped several noticeable notches.

Representational of the human form in intent, yet minimalist in expression, the wet work of frozen art featured straight line limbs and body. Above its balloon-like head was a rakishly tilted electrically illumined halo blinking in irritating synchronization to music blaring from overhead speakers.

“Nothing exceeds like excess,” quoted the Saint under his breath. His logo was everywhere, on everything, dancing around the room on posters and placards placed strategically throughout the suite, as were one-sheet and three-sheet theater lobby posters for “Simon Templar’s The Pirate, Starring Emilio Hernandez. Screenplay by K.K. Beck. Directed by Karl Krogstad. Produced by B. Malone.”

Simon’s gaze shifted from the slowly dripping icon and the myriad match-stick logos to the event’s more animated participants. Connie Cain, recovering from her afternoon encounter with our endearingly dangerous central character, talked shop and sampled scampi with her co-anchors, weathermen, and assorted representatives of Seattle’s electronic media. A reporter from the Seattle Times and a columnist from the Eastside Journal discussed surrealism and screenwriting with Karl Krogstad and K.K. Beck as caterers served fresh lobster fra diavolo.

The invitations summoning luminaries from Seattle’s press, politics, and civic organizations to the Westin Hotel to meet The Pirate’s lead performer, director, producer, screen writer, and the famous Simon Templar, were also embossed with the Saint’s stick-man logo. A small encircled “R” by the figure’s left heel indicated the distinctive drawing was a legally registered trademark. The Saint found this contemporary addition to his crude artistic creation both amusing and disquieting. When he first hastily chalked the haloed figure on the doors of vice-traders, murderers, and blackmailers, he had no idea of its eventual commercial value.

Simon slid his souvenir copy of the invitation into his inside jacket pocket as journalists and individuals of distinguished social standing abandoned the crab and oysters to surround him for handshakes and introductions. As was his obligation, Simon Templar smiled broadly and entered the party with buoyant, honest enthusiasm.

As the social pleasantries passed, the predictable questions answered, the practiced one-liners delivered, and the guests shuffled off to the adjacent suite to meet the handsome and eligible Emilio Hernandez, the Saint noticed a short, moderately attractive, no-nonsense woman in conservative business attire holding back from the posse. Her eyes seldom left him. As the crowd thinned, she approached the Saint.

Holding her invitation as a calling card, she tapped the Saint’s rakish trade-mark with the well-manicured nail of her right index finger and cast an amused glance at the Saintly glacier.

“I remember the night you drew one of these for me on a torn scrap of paper,” she said coyly, offering Simon her hand.

“It must have been a night to remember,” said the Saint as if he remembered the night, the woman, and the significant particulars. His mind raced to place her face with an event.

“I am not surprised that you don’t recognize me, Mr Templar. It was long ago. Perhaps this will refresh your memory: You said ‘Give this to your Daddy and tell him The Saint brought you home’.”

The Saint’s memory was immediately refreshed. He remembered the night, the woman, and the highly publicized body count. He even recalled the first time he heard her name uttered by the impersonal metallic voice from a police car radio in New York’s Central Park:

“Calling all cars. Viola Inselheim, age six, kidnapped from home in Sutton Place...”

The Saint’s ability to relive each moment of that long ago night on New York’s Long Island had not dimmed through the veil of years. He could still hear her shrill cry of terror, see spitting flames of gunfire, feel his own shouts of ‘run!’ tearing through his throat as he spurred the child’s flight from captivity.

Released from vivid reverie, Simon realized he was still gripping the adult hand of little Viola Inselheim.

“Your fist was tiny then,” remarked the Saint softly, looking at her hand as if surprised it was not miniature and dimpled. “And the last time I saw you, you were wearing a white frock.” Simon paused. “And your father?”

“My father never wore a white frock, Mr Templar.”

They both laughed, releasing tension born of time, trauma, and little or no true familiarity.

Relaxed, she resumed.

“I still have the note, and the newspaper clippings. My father...” the intonation indicated that Zeke Inselheim was no longer living. “...saved it all. I pulled it out and looked at it when I knew I was going to see you again.”

Simon gestured towards a fresh gaggle of noshing and nibbling professional communicators devouring the remnants of Seattle’s finest seafood in his honor.

“I still hold a certain attraction for the press” commented the Saint in self-deprecation. He was attempting, by diversion and without success, to move the conversation to the next plateau.

“Saint Rescues Viola! Saint Battles Kidnappers!” quoted Viola, “The headlines were at least two and a half inches high in big bold black letters.”

Simon Templar felt oddly uncomfortable. Not with Viola, but with himself. He had rescued the child in a spectacular display of reckless bravado, but her rescue was secondary to his primary motive: killing her criminal captor, Morrie Ualino. The Saint accomplished both, admired the coverage of his escapades in the subsequent newspaper publications, and allowed little Viola Inselheim to become the one tender footnote to an otherwise violent and treacherous evening.

“I am now Vi Berkman, my husband is assistant Rabbi at the Reform Temple. We have lived here for a few years.” Viola took a deep breath, stretching her next word as if it were physically malleable. “And...”

The Saint recognized the intonation of “and” as the intonation preceding detonation. The Rabbi’s wife was no femme fatale, but despite her unquestioned integrity Simon knew there was something explosive coming, and he could feel it all the way up his spine.

Viola Inselheim Berkman turned her attention to the latest brigade of broadcasters and bigwigs abandoning the scampi to sample the Simon Templar, and smiled the smile of radiant acquiescence. The Saint sensed from her very bearing that she had become a woman of strength, dedication, purpose, and consummate courtesy.

“Time for you to play celebrity. We’ll talk later. Then maybe make some Big Bangs.”

The Saint sensed a sizzling fuse.

“Big Bangs, Mr Templar. Big Bangs.”

With finger food appetizers and spoon fed quotes, the trained professional broadcasters and local luminaries were not left hungry. Some of them — most notably Connie Cain — did not leave alone. She and Emilio Hernandez retreated to the dashing star’s personal suite where, during a more animated moment of interaction, she misplaced half a set of false eyelashes.

When the ice sculpture watered down and the contemporary soundtrack music no longer strained the sensitive components of the Westin’s sound system, Simon Templar and Viola Inselheim Berkman shared coffee at a quiet corner table.

After surface discussions of the Saint’s earlier completed Seattle itinerary — lunch at Leif Erikson Lodge in historic Ballard with Olav Lunde followed by preparation for his live television appearance — Simon and Viola exchanged observations on the differences between New York and Seattle life styles. When the small talk was depleted, Viola commented lightly on the pleasure of renewing their acquaintance, then asked an unexpected question.

“Do you still rescue children in danger, Mr. Templar?”

She intentionally released him from any attempt at formulating a response by immediately beginning her next sentence.

“No man does what you did for me unless he loves children, treasures them, and is willing to risk his life for them. And don’t be modest, Saint. I know. And even if my memory didn’t tell me, I can read it in those old clippings.”

Simon could sense a sales pitch a mile away, but he could also discern the purity of her motive.

“If this is leading up to me buying Girl Scout cookies, I’ll gladly take a case,” offered the Saint.

“I want you to take a case, but it is not cookies.” She looked at him with an intimate directness to which she was unquestionably entitled, as if searching his ice-blue eyes for signs of the same man who cradled her under his arm that night long ago when the Saint’s game was neither media nor movies, but death and justice.

Simon Templar leaned forward, taking both her hands in his. “You are not six years old anymore, and I am certainly not thirty-one. You are a grown woman and I’m...”

“...The Saint,” asserted Viola, reciting a memorized newspaper account, “an astonishing combination of heroism and terrorism, the most mysterious figure...”

“Spare me,” Simon laughed, “I was always easy copy for adjective addicted reporters”

“Those descriptions weren’t farfetched,” she said with a slight hint of humour, “All the superlatives were well earned. I know. I was there. And what I want to know is...”

“Will I pull out a hidden knife or noisy automatic and rub out a bad guy just like in the movies?”

“No, Mr Templar. Not like in the movies, like in New York. But this time there is only one man to kill, and many children to rescue.”

She wasn’t kidding.

Simon saw Barney Malone ambling towards them from across the room.

“Cut to the chase, Ms Berkman,” said the Saint.

“I work with Seattle’s street kids. Do you know what a predatory pedophile is, Mr. Templar?”

Simon’s involuntary shudder affirmed his knowledge.

“This man is so well protected, his prey so vulnerable, that he swims upstream in the so-called ‘regular channels’.”

Malone was getting closer, and Simon didn’t feel Barney’s inclusion in this particular conversation was appropriate.

“Cops? Do they know?” Simon tossed the quick question her way as he rose to introduce her to the arriving Mr Malone.

“Yes. They know him well. He’s on the force.”

With introductions and conventional niceties evenly distributed, Simon escorted Vi Berkman to the elevator while Malone oversaw the careful packing of the valuable promotional material.

“As I assume I have perked your interest,” continued Vi as they walked, “you are invited to my Youth Service Outreach office in the Sanitary Building by the Pike Place Market tomorrow morning at ten.”

“It sounds like a clean location,” remarked Simon, wondering exactly what Vi honestly expected of him. “Why exactly are we meeting at your office?” The Saint figured he might as well simply ask.

“Because,” said Vi as she stepped into the elevator, “You will see with your own eyes why you must do what I ask you to do, and who it is that you are going to do it to.”

The Saint slid into the elevator quickly as the doors shut behind him. “I’m not about to let you make a tv-movie exit, and there is no commercial break following your last line. I may have saved your life, but I am not about to commit murder simply because you think it is a good idea.”

Vi leaned against the wall and smiled a weak, knowing smile.

“OK. Don’t kill him. But I absolutely assure you that once you understand who he is and what he does, the Saint will not let him go unpunished by any means necessary, convenient or expedient.”

The small bell announcing their arrival at the Westin’s lobby served as ringing punctuation to her final comment. She put out her hand.

“Tomorrow, ten in the morning. Sanitary Market Building. Will you be there, Mr Templar?”

Simon relinquished the affirmation as he shook her hand. Watching her walk away, his mind still sifting through the conversation, the implications, and her request, he paid scant attention to the small, dark, man stepping into the elevator.

3

“Excuse me, Sir,” remarked the gentleman. “If you are Simon Templar, you are exactly the man I am looking for.”

“Really?” Simon pressed the appropriate button commanding the elevator to return him to the reception suite. “You don’t want me to kill anyone do you?”

“Good heavens, no,” the little man’s laugh sounded like a wheezing pig. “I want to make you rich.”

“Sir,” remarked the Saint with a polite bow, “I am already rich.”

“Well, even richer, if you prefer. My card.” The tiny fellow proffered forth a white card. “Our board of directors instructed me to introduce myself and make you a most lucrative offer.”

Simon examined the card carefully. It was, even by his standards, of significant interest. The card read “SeaQue Salvage International. London — New York — Seattle.” It featured a Madison Street address for the Seattle office and identified the little fellow as Mr Salvadore Alisdare, General Agent.

“I would offer you my card, Mr Alisdare,” said the Saint pulling the invitation from his inside pocket, “but I am saving it as a souvenir.”

The tiny man chuckled and pulled an identical embossed invitation from his side suit pocket and held it up to the Saint.

“I have one, thank you. I know the party is over, but I was working late and hoped against hope that I would still find you here.”

As the door opened, both men stepped into the hall. Simon jokingly took Alisdare’s invitation and held it up to the light as if verifying it’s authenticity.

“Looks real to me,” pronounced Simon, officially depositing it in his right jacket pocket in the finest Ticketmaster tradition. “Follow me and I will show you the most incredible ice sculpture you have ever seen in your life, then you can buy me a drink in Nikko’s lounge downstairs and tell me about the fortune in my future.”

As Simon Templar led the belated guest towards the nearby empty reception room, his steps were light and his heart dilated. Suddenly, Simon stopped cold.

“Wait a minute..” The Saint’s voice had the harshness of steel on chilled steel. The little man’s dark face turned beige. “I can’t stand the thought of seeing that block of ice one more time, let’s hit Nikko’s now and get some sukiaki and tempura while we’re at it.”

Simon Templar locked his grip on Mr Alisdare’s arm as an irrefutable argument convincing the confused General Agent to accompany the Saint back towards the elevator.

“Watching all those media types devour the buffet gave me an appetite,” insisted Simon, “and your invitation entitled you to free food anyway. You, sir, will be my guest.”

The little man’s tiny feet peddled rapidly to keep up with his new friend’s impressive stride. In one quick moment, the two men were in the descending elevator.

The Saint, while silent on the ride down, was exulting to himself on his good fortune and fate’s ironic sense of humor. Several floors above him a superficial resemblance of his career’s signature was becoming a chilly puddle, but the real live Saint was just getting warmed up. His mood advanced from quizzical in the face of Vi’s direct offer of murderous mayhem to ecstatic after meeting Mr Alisdare, for the Saint was always intrigued by ineffectual liars.

There were several aspects of the SeaQue agent’s presentation which Simon Templar discerned as decidedly fishy or, at best, crustaceanesque — most notable being the aroma of fresh lobster fra diavolo saturating both Salvadore Alisdare and his supposedly pristine invitation.

“So tell me how you are going to make me an even richer man than I already am,” prompted Simon as he dipped the tips of his Nikko chopsticks into the steaming sukiaki.

The little man’s cheeks flushed as he toyed with his tempura broccoli.

“Mr Templar, have you ever heard of the Costello Treasure?”

The Saint had never heard of the Costello Treasure and to the best of his knowledge, neither had anybody else.

“As in Abbot and Costello?” Asked Simon casually.

“Er, no. Mr Templar,” The little man seemed dissapointed with the Saint’s response. “The Costello Treasure is named after Dolores Costello, the famous actress. She was the wife of John Barrymore — the brother of Lionel and Ethel Barrymore.”

Simon Templar forced himself to suppress an outburst of laughter.

The Saint, having listened to all manner of nonsense in his life, would be willing to wager that the entire Costello Treasure myth, whatever it may be, was fabricated by the fun loving imagination of Barney Malone. The Saint had been an easy target of Malone’s harmless and amusing humor before, and this little diversion was perhaps Barney’s best yet.

Simon leaned across the table and spoke sotto voce. “Have you ever heard of a man named Barney Malone?”

“Who?” The lobster-scented General Agent, appearing confused, shook his head in slow negation. The highly suspect man from SeaQue was honestly ignorant concerning Mr Malone.

“Please, Mr Alisdare,” the Saint waved his chopsticks as if chasing away his previous question. “Tell me absolutely everything about the famous Costello Treasure and your irresistible, lucrative offer.”

The diminutive dinner guest recited the dramatic history of the Costello Treasure while Simon Templar, finding the inventive exposition fitfully enthralling, deftly trapped and devoured rectangles of tofu.

The narrative’s essentials concerned the sea-going saga of Dagfinn Varnes, a Norwegian cryptologist who’s antipathy towards the Axis manifested itself in covert activities on behalf of the Allies.

“In the latter days of World War II, Varnes was aboard the U.S.S. Amber guarding the entrance to the Strait of Juan de Fuca from Neah Bay to Port San Juan on Vancouver Island”, said Alisdare as if making a major revelatory pronouncement. He tilted his head to one side, stared expectantly at Simon Templar, and awaited an appropriate indication of unabashed fascination from his elegant companion.

“Where the lovely Miss Costello,” remarked Simon, “fleeced the crew at five card stud and stashed her winnings in the engine room.”

The Saint regretted the jest the moment it left his lips. Alisdare dropped his fluttering hands to the table and appeared to demonstrably deflate.

Simon apologized for interrupting, attributing the imperative nature of doing so to the call of nature itself. Alisdare winced when Simon affectionately squeezed his shoulder while leaving the table.

The only nature summoning Simon Templar was his inherent Saintly nature responding to intuitive trumpets, and his appetite for honest information outweighed any proclivity towards culinary indulgence. The Saint also preferred a main course of facts before swallowing fancy. Hence the wince-inducing squeeze delivered to the diminutive prevaricator masked the deft lifting of Alisdare’s wallet from the opposing pocket of his dinner jacket.

In the tiled isolation of Nikko’s spotless washroom, Simon Templar carefully scrutinized the billfold’s diverse contents. Having learned illuminating details about his dishonest dinner guest, Simon took a circuitous route to his table via the hotel’s courtesy telephone. En route, the Saint debated whether or not to return the errant wallet. As much for the sake of fun as for expedience, he wanted to keep it. But risk outweighed amusement, and Templar performed another successful slight of hand.

Seated and smiling, Simon convivially encouraged Alisdare to proceed with his story.

“Where was I?” asked Alisdare.

“Lying off the coast of Vancouver Island”, said the Saint with a slight hint of questionable inflection.

Salvadore’s ears turned red, he cleared his throat, and continued his recitation.

“After the Navy’s massive shipbuilding program had gotten into full swing, ships such as the Amber were no longer necessary. After the war, it was decommissioned and became property of Alaska salmon packers. Her name became the Polaris and her history became temporarily obscure — temporarily because recently SeaQue became privy to some rather astonishing passages from the papers of Dagfinn Varnes.”

Alisdare poured emphasis on “astonishing”, bathing it in unmistakable importance.

“And how astonishing is it?” asked a wide-eyed Simon Templar.

“Quite. Quite indeed. Portions of his personal papers were cryptologicaly encoded, and even after being decoded were somewhat, er...”

“Vague?”

“Um, perhaps metaphorical would be more appropriate.”

The Saint gently pursed his lips, suppressing the smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “I never metaphor I didn’t like,” deadpanned Simon.

With a weak sigh, the General Agent dug into his pocket, pulled out a folded sheet of typing paper, and asked Templar to listen carefully to Varnes’s decoded references to the Costello Treasure.

“Amber equals Polaris. Multi colored fish. Dazzling gems of inestimable value. Infanta. Murals of beauty, rich beyond measure. Lost beneath the waves of Neah Bay, awash in gray, the treasure of Dolores Costello.”

Simon drummed his fingers on the table as if translating the message into Morse Code.

“What does that mean and what does it have to do with me?”

Small beads of perspiration appeared on the swarthy forehead of Salvadore Alisdare as he leaned across the table. “It means an immediate ten thousand dollars to you if you will accompany me to Neah Bay tomorrow and twenty percent of whatever is recovered of the Costello Treasure. The Polaris sank there in 1953 and...”

“And why do you need me?” interrupted the Saint, “why doesn’t SeaQue simply salvage the Polaris and find these gems of inestimable value?”

Alisdare stared at Simon Templar as if the Robin Hood of Modern Crime was dense beyond compare.

“Publicity, Mr Templar, publicity”, explained Alisdare with drawn-out, almost insulting emphasis, “In case you don’t recall, you are the Saint. There may be nothing down there but a boat load of dead salmon. Varnes’ code could be the his way of disguising a penchant for bad prose,” Alisdare’s voice, having jumped an octave with each successive sentence, now squeaked like a squeezed balloon. “The point is, SeaQue wants some high-profile publicity in the maritime community of the Northwest, and the publicity of the Saint being part of this effort is worth the ten thousand dollar advance and the twenty percent commission.”

The General Agent’s eyes rotated in their sockets as if taking in an astonishing panorama of possibilities.

“Imagine the headlines”, implored Alisdare, “consider the feature stories on the evening news, ‘The Saint joins SeaQue search for Costello Treasure’.”

Noisily sucking air while gritting his teeth, the agitated little fellow forced himself to assume a stiffened posture of affected control.

“Now do you understand?”

The Saint understood that Alisdare’s story, riddled with enough holes to sink the Polaris several times over, was a hastily constructed ruse devised to lure him to Neah Bay. The reason eluded him, but Simon had no intention of allowing the ten thousand dollar cashier’s check previously discovered in Alisdare’s wallet to go uncashed.

Alisdare reached in his pocket, pulled out the billfold with which Simon was already familiar, and placed the check on the table.

“Proof of my sincerity, Mr Templar”. Alisdare rapped the check with his knuckles. “Ten thousand dollars. Yes, a cashier’s check payable to you from SeaQue Salvage is right here, right now, only awaiting your agreement to accompany me to Neah Bay first thing in the morning. The same press people you impressed earlier will be notified immediately. No doubt reporters will be hounding us when we arrive, which is exactly the idea. Well?”

Simon Templar stroked his chin, appearing to battle the allure of ten thousand dollars. The Saint silently complimented himself on having the good sense to return the wallet, and picked up the check as if seeing it for the first time. It was the one authentic item in Alisdare’s presentation, and it also smelled of seafood.

The Saint’s intensive deliberations were cut short by the arrival of a polite and efficient waiter.

“Excuse me, Mr Templar, you have a call on the courtesy phone.”

Simon sighed, begged Alisdare’s indulgence, and pocketed the cashier’s check before excusing himself. The pre-arranged interruption arrived precisely on schedule.

4

Simon threaded his way through the swelling evening crowd to the white courtesy telephone where, on the other end of the line, waited Barney Malone.

“Simon Templar speaking”.

“No kidding. Am I rescuing you from that woman? I thought she was an old friend of yours.”

“Different situation entirely”. Simon glanced back towards the expectantly waiting Alisdare. “I think I’m having an adventure.”

“I think I’m having dyspepsia,” countered Malone, “the lobster dish was awfully rich and seafood has a way of putting its claws into me.”

“Where did it come from?” asked the Saint.

“They usually inhabit the ocean.”

“The catering service, Barney. Was it the hotel’s?”

“Don’t know. I’m the producer, not the public relations director. Ask whatshername the publicist Now, please excuse me but there is a Republic Pictures Film Festival on channel 13. They are about to show 1949’s ‘Post Office Investigator’; a full length feature film with a total running time of fifty-nine minutes, counting the credits.”

The Saint allowed himself to laugh out loud, something he had wanted to do several times during his conversation with Mr Alisdare.

“One more thing, Simon. You have a couple of ‘fans’ waiting outside your door.”

“Thugs or thrushes?”

“Thrushes? You’re getting old, Templar. Neither. They look to be post-pubescent collegiate types intent on an autograph.”

“Swell. Thanks for the warning. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Simon...”, Barney allowed a semi-serious note to play along the rough scales of his voice. “If you are having an adventure, please stay out of jail and out of the morgue. You have a personal appearance in Portland in 48 hours and you will be there even if I have to prop up your bullet riddled body.”

“No problem,” agreed the Saint, “you can always keep me fresh in one of those haloed ice-sculptures. I’ll call you from my room.”

“And interrupt ‘Post Office Investigator’?”

Simon, having already returned the phone to its cradle, did not hear Malone’s plaintive objection. The Saint’s mind was unconcerned with cinematic curiosities, circa 1949. Salvadore Alisdare’s Costello Treasure was curious enough.

Less than ten minutes later, Simon Templar stood in the cool night air outside the Westin Hotel watching the light rain slick the artificially illuminated streets. Having returned from the courtesy phone, Simon informed Alisdare that the call contained a terse reminder of a previous appointment. Simon expressed regret that their enjoyable time together had come to an abrupt conclusion, but assured the General Agent that the allure of the ellusive Costello Treasure was too much to resist. SeaQue, Templar insisted, could count on the Saint.

Salvadore Alisdare, turned up the collar of his ill-fitting coat against the night’s chill, shook Simon’s hand, and glanced uneasily towards the Gray Top cab easing Northbound down Sixth Avenue and turning into the Westin’s taxi zone.

“You have the cashier’s check I gave you, don’t you Mr Templar.”

“Oh yes”, Simon patted his heart, “I always keep track of significant amounts of money.”

“And you will meet me tomorrow morning, at ten o’clock, the Islands Airline counter, Sea-Tac airport?”

“I meant what I said,” confirmed Simon with a clear conscience, “recovering the Costello Treasure takes precedence over minor social obligations.”

“Very well,” the little man smiled and began moving towards the cab. “Have a good evening, Mr Templar.”

“Wait,” Simon smiled and held out a twenty dollar bill.

“Let me take care of the cab.”

“No, no,” Alisdare refused and instinctively felt for his wallet. He felt nothing. He felt harder. It wasn’t there.

The Saint, by supreme will, kept the corners of his mouth from drifting upwards. Simon had been anticipating this moment since the two men exited Nikko’s where, in the crush and hub-bub of the crowd, a second liberation of Alisdare’s billfold proved irresistible.

“Problem?”

“Uh...” Dismay was quickly giving way to disorientation and undignified panic. Mr Alisdare was, in the vernacular, coming undone.

“My wallet. I can’t find it,” babbled the little man, spinning about as if performing an ancient agitated circumambulatory ritual.

“Calm down, my friend,” spoke Simon in the most soothing of tones, “you must have dropped it in the restaurant. You get in the cab and I’ll run in for a quick look.”

Before Alisdare could squeak out another word, Templar disappeared back through the doors of the Westin. Once inside, the Saint silently and insincerely scolded himself for this episode of mischief, and made the missing wallet scenario even more believable by removing all negotiable currency.

Simon Templar emerged from the hotel a few minutes later with a look of comforting triumph gracing his tanned features and a miraculously recovered billfold held aloft as would be the spoils of war. “You are a very lucky man,” insisted the Saint, “it was just turned in to the front desk. At least you weren’t the victim of a professional pick-pocket — your credit cards are intact — but whatever money you had is no longer yours.”

Alisdare snatched the billfold from Simon’s hand with more anger than appreciation, examined it briefly, and thrust it into his coat. Had he been in a cartoon instead of a cab, steam would have issued forth from his collar. As his wallet turned up missing while in the presence of the Robin Hood of Modern Crime, Salvadore Alisdare now harbored the most accurate and unerring of suspicions.

Simon again proffered a twenty dollar bill.

To document the array of emotions playing across the visage of Salvadore Alisdare would require an elaborate system replete with cross-referencing index. Pleased to have enlisted the famous Simon Templar in the quest for the fabricated Costello Treasure, furious with the disappearance of his wallet, and peeved at the possibility that Templar was toying with him, Salvadore Alisdare gave Simon Templar a look which revealed far more than did the contents of his billfold. The glare from Alisdare’s eyes dripped with implications and intentions so venomous and vile that Simon was, for a second’s fraction, frozen where he stood. It was as if the Saint had witnessed the transformation of a benign and buck-toothed bunny into a fanged and coiled cobra.

An intense chill crossed Simon’s shoulders and slid down the length of his spine. With one hand raised to shield his eyes from the rain, and the other resting on his hip, the Saint felt strangely akin to his icon’s icy replica.

The windshield wipers of the Grey Top cab slapped a sloshy rim-shot rhythm as the taxi began its crawl into the line of downtown traffic. Through the fogging window Simon discerned Salvadore Alisdare mouthing unfavorable epithets regarding the Saint’s matrilineage and personal proclivities. Whatever amusement Simon Templar had derived from his brief yet profitable interaction with Mr Alisdare seemed suddenly shallow and distasteful. The little man, at best, had appeared peculiar, eccentric, dishonest, possibly delusional, but decidedly harmless. The Saint’s opinion had, in the course of the last few minutes, shifted by seismic degrees.

Simon glanced at his watch, made a few quick calculations of time and distance, turned briskly on his heels, re-entered the hotel, and made a direct path for the elevator. Crossing the lobby, the Saint sighted writer K.K. Beck making her way towards the hotel’s southwest exit. Simon caught Beck’s eye, veered off in her direction, and motioned hurriedly for her to meet him mid-lobby.

The Saint appreciated Kathryne’s witty and lighthearted fiction, and was especially pleased with her shooting script for ‘The Pirate’. The last in a trio of hired writers, the tall and talented K.K. Beck was the only one who actually read his book before attempting an adaptation.

Similar in temperament to Simon Templar, Kathryne Beck shared any intelligent person’s disdain for cocktail parties, but resigned herself to the practical necessity of such self-aggrandizing promotional events as the recently concluded media reception. The Saint admired the way she and director Karl Krogstad worked the room like troopers, all the while amusing themselves with in-joke references to their divergent personal interests — Krogstad’s affection for surrealism, and Beck’s encyclopedic knowledge of seafood acquired during her years as associate editor of a prestigious trade journal dedicated to edible items from the briny deep.

“Kathryne, I have something suspicious I want you to smell,” declared the Saint as if offering her the opportunity of a life time.

“I beg your pardon,” Beck pulled back slightly, “If I had the desire to smell something suspicious there are containers in the back of my refrigerator which could offer ample opportunities.”

Templar, aware that Beck’s reputation for Nordic tidiness almost exceeded that of her award-winning prose, doubted her assertion.

“This will only take a moment and will be dazzling testimony to the trained discernment of your olfactory senses,” explained the Saint, fishing into his pockets.

“Close your eyes and open your nose.”

Beck laughed, lowered her eye-lids, lifted her chin and flared her nostrils.

Simon proffered Alisdare’s invitation.

“Name that aroma,” prompted the Saint.

“Lobster fra diavolo. That was easy. What do I win?”

“Good, now one more.”

“Don’t I get a whiff of coffee beans first?”

“You’re not buying perfume, Dearest. Now, close your eyes and get ready for item number two.”

Simon waved the cashier’s check under Beck’s performing proboscis. Her brow furrowed in concentration.

“This one is a bit trickier.”

“Just name that smell.”

Beck suddenly brightened with self assurance, opened her eyes, and proudly identified the aroma as belonging to Neptune Salad, a marketing euphemism for a low-cost concoction of mayonnaise and imitation crab meat which, while popular at numerous cafeterias and take-out counters, was not among the items at the evening’s buffet.

“Thank you, Ms Beck, O Queen of American Mystery,” intoned the Saint, gently genuflecting in her general direction.

“Thanks for the unexpected coronation,” she curtsied. “Is there a rational explanation for your sudden fascination with my sense of smell, or has this promotional tour resulted in some sort of Saintly breakdown?”

The Saint was already moving quickly towards the elevator when he gave reply.

“I will explain everything in 48 hours. Whatever dinner you want in Portland is my treat. And thanks for the loan of your nose. If this adventure ever becomes immortalized in the official chronicles, I’ll make sure it gets credit.”

Beck sniffed in playful derision. She intended launching a clever verbal rejoinder, but Simon Templar’s elegant personage was already aboard the elevator, his mind rapidly planning the balance of what he perceived as a decidedly hectic evening.

The Saint, relieved that thugs, thrushes, and post-pubescent collegiate types were not blocking his door, freshened up, placed three important phone calls, and emerged from his suite ready for action, but ill-prepared for the two young men now stationed like grinning totems outside the vestibule — one lean, lanky, and dark; the other short and pudgy with sheepdog hair. A healthy dollop of villainy would render their pairing an invariable cliché torn from the yellowed pages of pulp adventure fiction, but the Saint knew immediately that they were not villains. Had they been representatives of the ungodly, he could have punched them in the nose and been on his way.

Regrettably, they were fans.

“Mr Templar!” The tall one thrust out his hand in a threatening gesture of friendship.

“He just left,” growled the Saint unconvincingly as he pushed past them, “he threw himself from the window in a fit of dismay when he discovered the actress never met the bishop.”

“It is him!” exclaimed the pudgy one, moving in hot pursuit.

The Saint turned to face them, walking backwards as he did so.

“I’m sorry, fellas, not now. I would love to chat, sign autographs, answer questions, commit mayhem, the works, but not now, not tonight.”

“But Mr Templar,” pleaded the taller of the two, “we’ve read every book...”

“In the world? Congratulations, you must be brilliant. Now if you will excuse me, I have an appointment with my Rabbi.”

Simon repeatedly pressed the elevator call button as if he could nag it to a prompt response. Turning towards the boys, the Saint saw their crestfallen demeanor and took pity. Simon sighed, smiled, and apologized for his brusk behavior. Surprisingly, the two youths seemed to enjoy it.

“I imagine we appear the worst type of smug self-congratulatory devotees, Mr Templar,” admitted the lanky lad, “But we know all about you; we’ve read every Saint book...”

“I haven’t,” interrupted the Saint. “Oh, I’ve glanced through most of them. A lot of it is fairly accurate, some of it is...” Simon saw the look of preparatory dismay creep across their eyes as if he were about to prick their happiest holiday balloon with an oversized pin. “very accurate,” the Saint concluded with emphasis.

The two smiled the smile of affirmed illusion, brimming with adoration and unabashed hero-worship. The Saint had seen the look often enough, although he preferred finding it affixed to attractive members of the complimentary gender.

“OK boys, you have until this elevator reaches the lobby to ask whatever you want and receive an honest answer. My romantic relationships are the only subject off-limits.” The pudgy one, blatantly disappointed, turned to his companion and spoke as if the Saint were deaf and invisible.

“Does that mean we can’t ask him whatever happened to you-know-who?”

His pal blinked rapidly, giving this conundrum serious consideration.

“Which you-know-who?”

The Saint laughed out loud, approached the protruding tummy of the human sheepdog and treated it as he did the elevator call button, his index finger poking it relentlessly.

“You’re missing your cue, laddie,” prodded the Saint, “You are supposed to say ‘leave my stomach out of it’.” Grinning, the youth dutifully repeated the phrase.

“There,” declared the Saint, “you can tell your friends I treated you exactly as if you were dear old Claude Eustace Teal of Scotland Yard himself.”

The youth, obviously delighted, perseverated the phrase “thank you” as if it were his mantra.

“As for you, kiddo,” continued the Saint, turning his attention to the tall one, “How did you locate my room? For that matter, if you didn’t have an invitation, how did you know I was in this hotel?”

The long-legged lad suddenly spoke with an adult self-assurance and sense of personal assertion which caught Simon up short.

“Kiddo? Mr Templar, I happen to be the same age you were when you deserted the Spanish Foreign Legion. I have a degree in marine biology, and am hardly your stereotypical fawning fan. In fact, we happened to be in the hotel, believe it or not, for reasons having nothing to do with you. We were helping prepare for the Maritime Issues Forum being held here starting tomorrow. Of course,” he admitted, softening in tone, “once we found out you, the Saint, were here, or was here...” his voice trailed in self-conscious embarrassment.

“That’s when we became stereotypical fawning fans,” explained the pudgy one with an honest and infectious smile, still delighting in Simon’s treatment of his tummy.

The Saint originally intended disengaging from this fan club duo when reaching the lobby, but Simon Templar was never one to argue with fate and opportunity. It may have been the strong, assertive nature of the marine biologist, the mention of the Maritime Issues Forum, or the Saint’s pleasure in performing for a favorably disposed audience. Then again, Simon’s decision to include these two characters in the adventure’s next phase may have been simply prudent strategic planning.

“So tell me, my nefarious new accomplices,” asked the Saint, “what are we driving?”

Simon’s new friends, identified in an earlier conversation not quoted verbatim as Daniel and Ian, gleefully responded in near unison as they led the Saint out of the Westin.

“The Saintmobile.”

Chapter 2

How Simon Templar Sang on Broadway, and Diamond Tremayne Passed Her Audition.

1

The Saint opted for optimism. Walking eastbound up Olive Avenue, his eyes scanned the curbside for a restored Hirondel, Desurio, Furillac, or Bugatti 41 Royale. He saw no vehicle which would induce any sane individual to name it The Saintmobile, especially not the half-primer, half painted metallic copper Volvo GL station wagon, complete with luggage rack.

“We read in one of the books that you drove a Volvo,” offered the tall Daniel, “and we figured we could really spiff this up and make it Saintly, for example...”

The Saint, conscious of time and appointments, cut Dan off while scooping the keys from his hand.

“Putting me behind the wheel will add a touch of authenticity,” insisted Simon as they climbed aboard. A throaty roar, a cavalcade of rattles, and a lurching gear-catch later, Simon and his couplet entourage were on their way to the Sanitary Market Building. A glance at his watch assured him that he was running right on schedule. A quick phone call to Vi Berkman from his hotel room had rescheduled their meeting from morning to immediate. As he told her at their conversation’s conclusion, “I might have to kill more than one man tonight after all.”

“The difference between crime in fiction and crime in real life,” explained the Saint to his enraptured passengers as they threaded through Seattle’s downtown traffic. “is that writers give more thought to the structure, motive, and execution of crimes than do criminals, insisting every plot twist be logically motivated; every detail painstakingly dove-tailed. From my experience, which we can all agree is extensive,” Simon elaborated as he slowed down the windshield wipers to match pace with the diminishing rain, “the ungodly are too self-centered to seriously consider the contingencies, conditions, or coincidences destined to rip their little webs to pieces. Take, for example, a peculiar little liar I encountered only this evening...”

The Saint amused Dan and Ian with essential exposition of the story thus far, concluding with a demonstration of his astonishing ability to parallel park a Volvo wagon in a space intended for an Izetta.

Vi Berkman arrived only moments earlier, stilled the ignition of her BMW, and waited behind secured doors and smoked glass for signs of the Saint. Even in the acoustically engineered silence of her vehicle’s interior, she heard the distinctive cry of metal in despair as the Volvo braked without pads.

Viola Berkman emerged from the German import, hailed the Saint with a friendly wave, and shook her head in amusement. Simon waited while the exhaust system sputtered itself to a shaking expiration before pulling on the doorhandle.

“Hi, Vi,” said the Saint cheerfully. He threw open the door, swung his feet to the wet pavement, and stood gentlemanly erect. “These two are Dan and Ian, the lost boys. I commandeered their car and dragged them along in a swaggering tribute to their swashbuckling fantasies. Besides,” explained Simon, slamming the Volvo door behind him, “I felt less conspicuous driving Seattle’s most common vehicle of choice than if I hailed a cab or wandered about the Westin’s parking garage searching for my rented Chevrolet.”

“Less conspicuous?” Vi giggled, pressing finger tips to lips. “Look at the...” momentarily silenced by mirth, she delayed the sentence’s conclusion, “passenger side.”

Simon raised an accusing eyebrow at the two young men starring sheepishly at their shoes. The Saint circled the vehicle, and espying the impetus for Ms Berkman’s amusement, covered his eyes, moaned, and peeked warily through his fingers.

The boys, abashed, remained in apologetic silence. Summoning his resolve, the Saint dropped his hands and stepped back to more fully appreciate the artistry of the large decorative addition to station wagon’s passenger door: an iridescent red stick-figure topped by a rakishly tilted halo. Above it, equally iridescent and no less irritating, was painted the designation, “The Saintmobile.”

“Simply displaying my initials on the license plate would have sufficed.”

“We thought of that,” admitted Ian proudly, his intended elaboration curtailed by a sharp elbow to the ribs.

“Even without this four-wheeled billboard,” admitted the Saint, “it is only prudent to assume we’ve been followed.” True concern captured the features of Viola Berkman, and a more subtle expression summoned the Saint to her side.

“Some material may not be...” Berkman trusted Simon knew the phrase.

“Suitable for children,” completed the Saint, “but Daniel Long Noodle is a full grown marine biologist,” he reasoned aloud, “and the other one,” Simon realized he had no clue as to Ian’s career, “eats peanut butter cups for a living.”

“I heard that,” said Ian, “and it’s an avocation, not a vocation. But how did you know?”

“Candy wrappers in the car, chocolate smudges above your pockets,” the Saint recited the litany’s balance without emotion, his iron sight scanning intersections and alley entrances. Vi Berkman crossed to her car, removed a hefty black leather purse, and locked the BMW.

“C’mon,” said Vi, “it’s time for your lesson in contemporary street reality.”

The lesson began with a quick tour of Seattle’s First Avenue in the vicinity of the Pike Place Market. It was nothing that the Saint had not seen before in Times Square or Soho, except on a more confined scale. The unescorted women, underdressed and overly made-up, attempting conversation with passing males; irrational street people babbling beside overstuffed shopping carts; vacant eyed men waiting at bus-stops but never getting on board; children too young to be out alone stepping into cars with strangers.

“Where do these kids live,” asked Simon, although he could guess the answer.

“They don’t,” offered Vi ruefully. “If you mean where do they sleep, it could be anywhere, with anyone who’ll also fill their stomach or feed their habits. They grow up without maturing, age without wisdom, and die too young — inside and out. And the real tragedy is,” Vi said with a sigh that came from depths of caring, “they are tender little plants that have been denied shelter, exposed to the harshest elements our greatly vaunted civilization has to offer, and abandoned.”

They walked without speaking, hearing wolfwhistles, car honks, and rude epithets mingling with the rinky-dink disco soundtrack accompanying the bikini-clad women with surgically augmented figures dancing in the window of “Uncle Elmo’s Adult Emporium and Good Time Arcade.”

“Those must be Elmo’s nieces,” commented the Saint as they passed the gyrating display of enhanced allure, “I’m sure they’re a close family.”

“Elmo died with a plastic bag over his head six months ago,” stated Vi dispassionately. “They found his body in a White Center motel room.”

“Suicide, no doubt,” said Simon as if stating the obvious, “achieved after a failed attempt to fold himself to death in an ironing board.”

“Of course,” concurred Vi, “and now the Good Time Arcade is operated by a nifty little holding company called R.T. Enterprises, Inc.. Nothing illegal about it, but when I consider the ‘R’ and the ‘T’, it gives me the creeps.”

The Saint didn’t have to ask for an explanation.

“ ‘R’ stands for Rasnec,” she continued, “as in Arthur W. Rasnec, attorney at law, and the ‘T’ stands for Talon, as in Detective Dexter Talon of the Seattle Police Department.”

They crossed back to the other side of First Avenue, reversing direction and heading north, stopping to summon Ian and Dan from their temporary fascination with two of Elmo’s more demonstrably attractive relatives.

“And the reason ‘Elmo’s’ survives no matter how many Elmos go to the great arcade in the sky,” remarked the Saint, “is because humans are such easy prey.”

Vi Berkman stopped, shifted her black bag to the opposing shoulder, and looked Simon in the eye.

“Some prey are easier and younger than others.” She dug into her bag, retrieved keys, and unlocked the door to the Sanitary Market Building.

“And,” she said through her teeth, “I have the pictures to prove it.”

Simon allowed Vi, Dan, and Ian to enter while he lagged behind to give the bustling street scene further scrutiny. The Saint’s internal early warning system had already alerted him to the presence of the jungle cat, and the evening’s cavalcade of interconnected, although seemingly unrelated, incidents convinced him that mayhem was imminent.

There was no sudden rush of footsteps on the street, no uncharacteristic slowing of nondescript cars. In maritime parlance, the coast was clear. Unless, the Saint reasoned, the ungodly were ahead of them rather than behind, or simply awaiting a more opportune moment to interfere.

Simon took the steps ahead of him with swift, easy, strides, and caught up with his entourage before Vi could enter her office.

“Allow me,” insisted the Saint coolly, motioning the others aside. Simon opened the door as if anticipating an onrush of enemies.

“Something up, Mr Templar?” Ian spoke, his voice betraying a slight nervous tremor.

The Saint flicked on the overhead lights and crossed to the window, glanced out, and swiveling the latch, pushed it up and open.

Vi walked cautiously over to Simon, dropped her bag on the metal desk, and looked at him with questioning eyes.

“Is there something wrong, or is this ‘Paranoia for The Saint’?”

“I am simply being prudent,” said Simon with a relaxed smile of assurance, “We Saints don’t know the meaning of the word paranoid. Those who say we do are probably plotting against us.”

Simon’s easy manner instilled confidence, but internally the Saint was all steel — his senses intensely acute; balancing probabilities with an agility that would leave a Las Vegas odds maker shaking his head in amazement.

As Vi slid open a file cabinet drawer and removed a manilla folder, the Saint helped himself to a pen and note pad from her desk.

“You boys are about to provide a valuable service,” insisted the Saint, and the two young men snapped to almost military attention.

“First, I want that Volvo moved off the street, then I want you to follow these simple instructions. Here,” he handed Daniel the note, “If you see any problem, tell me now, because this is an important assignment.”

Dan shared the note with Ian while Vi, holding her folder, seemed a bit adrift.

“You want us to grocery shop and pick up your laundry while we’re out?” joked Daniel.

“Yeah,” interrupted Ian, “and you got us meeting a British Airways plane at Sea-Tac, besides.”

The Saint refrained from commenting on Ian’s sentence structure, and instead offered a partial explanation.

“I may be meeting up with you half-way through the scrawled itinerary, but Ms Berkman and I have things we must do before it gets much later. I don’t want her rabbinical spouse to bar her from the house.”

“My rabbinical spouse is used to me coming home at all hours with tales of sin and degradation — not my own, of course — besides, he is expecting Simon and me to join him in less than an hour.”

“So, hop to it, my Cherubs. Complete this assignment and fame will be yours. I’ll nominate Daniel as Maritime Man of the Year, and buy Ian a case of peanut butter cups. And,” said Simon as he handed them an admirable amount of negotiable currency, “here’s a little something extra for your efforts.”

“This is what we get for choosing a life of outlawry,” muttered Daniel in feigned exasperation as Ian and he headed back down toward the building’s main entrance.

“Uh, one question Señor Saint,” said Ian, “Did I hear you mention Thea Foss?”

Simon nodded.

“Cool,” Ian said with approval as he descended the stairs.

“Thea Foss is cool?”

“Yeah, way cool,” called out Ian. “You know, like Dolores Costello.”

The Saint heard the main door open and close, then moved back to the window to watch the boys cross to the Volvo.

“You ready to look at this?” Vi, perhaps from impatience or anxiety, seemed again on edge as she placed the folder on the desk and began pacing about the room.

“As soon as our boys are in the car,” said Simon, watching the lads cross First Avenue. Suddenly three men came up behind the boys, pushing them insistently towards the vehicle.

At the moment the Saint saw the triple threat advance, he instinctively turned determined to leap down the stairs, bolt through the door, and rescue his dutiful admirers. But before he could move, Berkman’s office was enveloped in darkness. To be more precise, it was near darkness, a distinction not lost on the Saint. Yellowed reflected illumination drifted foggily through the open window, providing scant hints of sizes and shapes.

The size and shape of the individual suddenly storming across Vi’s office was, to be polite, exceedingly generous. Were you to stuff an Alaskan brown bear into an ill-fitting ensemble of slacks and sweatshirt, and arm it with a length of pipe, you would have a fair approximation of the intruder’s dimensions and dementia. The unwanted night visitor violently thrust Viola aside before she could scream, and made a determined attack on the Saint.

If this was all Simon had to worry about, he wasn’t worried. The pipe wielding fashion plate with the lumbering gait was no jungle cat, and his offensive moves were as telegraphed as the standard repertoire of a television wrestler.

In the heightened reality of the moment, the Saint choreographed his own counter offensive, still hoping to intersect the Volvo before Dan and Ian were harmed, robbed, or kidnapped.

The bear swung the pipe with a wide round-house right, the type for which any boxer has a professional disdain, and it swished by without impact. It was still in its uninterrupted arc when the Saint launched his jack-hammer fist into the beast’s solar plexus.

In the Saint’s mind, the pipe wielding intruder was already collapsing, devoid of wind and consciousness. In reality, the rocket-launcher impact of Simon’s fist didn’t even slow him down. The Saint found this particularly disconcerting.

Unstoppable as a locomotive, the giant’s bulk sent the Saint sprawling back across the desk, his arm entangled in the straps of Vi’s leather bag, and propelled him over the desk’s edge. Simon’s head banged on the wooden seat of the swivel chair as he, the folder, and the contents of Vi’s purse, spilled over on to the floor.

The pipe again descended, splintering the chair where the Saint’s head had been an only instant before. With his shoulders on the floor and his legs flexed, Simon power-pumped his heels directly into an exceptionally sensitive area of his adversary’s anatomy. Far more effective than the solar plexus punch, the kick inflicted immeasurable discomfort, sent the brute stumbling back against the filing cabinet, and temporarily forestalled a renewed attack.

Three distinct sounds merged in the Saint’s mind — the giant’s animal moan, the clang of pipe dropping to the floor, and cries from Vi Berkman.

“My purse!” screamed Vi, “My purse!”

While a woman’s purse is often considered an inviolable and sacred item, the Saint rightfully decoded Berkman’s high-pitched exclamations as directives rather than admonitions, immediately perceiving two fascinating items among those loosed from Vi’s purse: a small canister and a long, thin, black flashlight. He didn’t have to read the label to know the canister’s contents. He reached for them both, but the canister rolled away under the desk. The Saint clutched the flashlight, spun his body, and kicked the canister across the floor to where Vi stood shrieking.

Before the Saint could stand, the giant’s massive paws grabbed Simon’s lapels, pulled him off his feet, and brutally banged him against the wall adjacent to the window frame.

In the amber illumination streaming through the window, the Saint saw the man’s eyes. What Simon Templar saw in those eyes would not haunt him for years to come, nor would the image visit him unwanted in the midnight hour.

Simon Templar’s instantaneous accurate appraisal of his assailant’s ocular condition was, while not medically precise, operationally adequate. The eyes were wide, wet, and unnaturally dilated. Stripped of prolixity, suffice it to say, the giant’s mental state was as artificially altered as Elmo’s nieces’ measurements.

The beast pinned Simon against the wall, one huge hand wrapped around the Saint’s throat while he pawed at Simon’s jacket with the other.

“Looking for something?” Simon spoke through a constricted larynx.

Slamming the flashlight’s head against the giant’s left eye, Simon fired the high-powered halogen bulb. The beast’s reaction was sudden, violent, and perfectly predictable. He bellowed, recoiled, clutched his head, and turned directly into the path Viola Berkman.

Vi thrust the canister’s nozzle into the beast’s gaping mouth, pumped a stream of lung-scorching Mace down his throat, and stood aside while Simon Templar smashed the giant’s contorted face with his right fist.

The ominous intruder’s head snapped back as if attempting to escape his ham-like neck. Stumbling clumsily backwards, his arms whirling in wild concentric circles, he came to a gagging, choking standstill against the side wall.

It was, all things considered, not a pretty sight.

The Saint immediately turned to the open window, searching for signs of Daniel and Ian.

The Volvo was gone.

Vi, holding the canister at arm’s length in her tremulous hand, kept the nozzle aimed at the intruder’s ugly face as she felt for the light switch. The flash of flourescence further aggravated the incapacitated attacker who stomped his booted foot in an ineffectual protest.

“OK, Snookums,” drawled the Saint.

“You calling me Snookums?” asked Vi incredulously.

“No, my child, Snookums is the term of endearment I have chosen to bestow upon this horrific specimen of modern male fashion and lapsed social graces,” said Simon as he twirled the retrieved pipe as if it were a baton. “Everything about his behavior, not to mention his wardrobe, is blatantly offensive to prevailing community standards, but it’s only fair that we allow him to offer whimpering excuses and pass the blame on to his tailor and whoever put him up to this.”

The man’s chest heaved labored breath as he emitted an unprintable example of his limited, although colorful, vocabulary. Simon came dangerously closer, slapping the pipe against his palm in a threatening gesture.

“Snookums, dearest, I’m afraid you’ve violated the verbal morality code. And in front of a lady, no less.”

The Saint’s tones were silken, but his eyes were chips of iced lapis. The brute hazily gazed into those famous mocking eyes, but he sought neither depth of emotion nor novel metaphor. The beast was picking a target. Had his vision been more acute, or had Simon Templar been six inches closer, the Saint’s hawk-like profile would have been permanently altered. Instead, the beasts fist slammed solidly into Simon’s forehead.

The Saint, to his perpetual embarrassment, never saw it coming. He did, however, see an astonishing array of lovely geometric patterns pulsating in colorful corroboration with the accompanying pain. Vi, equally surprised, failed to fire the canister, and the beast lurched out the doorway heading for the stairs.

Simon Templar’s powers of stamina and recovery, frequently documented and familiar to followers of the Saga, are the stuff of legend, and the Saint was as eager to preserve his image as he was to prevent his attacker securing an easy escape.

The beast had a good lead, but Simon moved with more agility, catching up at the head of the stairs. Vi, brandishing her canister, scrambled after him.

“Don’t go,” called Simon grabbing the back of the giant’s slacks, “we were just becoming disgusted with you.”

The Saint secured his grip on a handful of waistband, braced himself against the rail, and dug in his heels. Simon was rock-solid; the beast was in direct forward motion; the slacks worn by the fleeing adversary, despite the best intentions of their manufacturer, were never designed to withstand such intense amounts of opposing tension. Bare-bottomed and unexpectedly air-born, the beast flew down the flight of stairs, his face kissing the final few before colliding with, and crashing out, the front door. Pulling the back of his sweatshirt down over his embarrassment, he hurried into the First Avenue throng.

It is of minor sociological significance that nothing about his looks, dress, or behavior prompted a second look from any passers-by.

Simon Templar sat atop the stairs holding his head in one hand and a torn swatch of fabric in the other, his shoulders shaking in silent laughter. Momentarily, he raised his eyes to Vi and waved the pant seat as if it were a checkered flag.

“Snookums escaped by the seat of his pants,” said the Saint with a resigned laugh, “ ‘strong as a racehorse and swift as a rapier’.”

Berkman allowed the canister to hang by her side.

“He was?”

“No, I was, back in the days of my wayward youth.” Simon stood and playfully tossed the torn pant seat at Viola Berkman. She caught it in her left hand. “And our friend Snookums is a pickle packer.”

Vi’s eyebrows aimed for her hairline.

“I beg your pardon.”

“When he had his hand around my throat, I smelled the vanilla,” said Simon as they walked back into Vi’s office, “People who work with pickles rub vanilla on their hands to dispel the smell of brine.”

Vi put the canister and pant seat aside as Simon and she picked the folder and other scattered items off the floor.

“Simply telling me Mr Snookums reeks of vanilla and packs pickles leaves me clueless as to why he ran in here with a pipe and tried to smash your head in,” muttered Vi, as if expecting in-depth exposition of the intruder’s motivations, short term objectives, and long term goals.

Her expectations were not unrealistic, and Simon Templar answered.

“Snookums is not a professional thug. Despite his size and strength, he had to augment his attitude by artificial means — drugs of some kind — before he could take the assignment. His motivation was either promise of reward or fear of punishment, and his failed objective was to liberate a cashier’s check for ten thousand dollars from my pocket.”

“How did he know...”

“He knew because, I firmly believe, the man who gave me the check sent him to get it back.”

“And who...”

“My new business partner,” said the Saint. “but I don’t have much faith in the long term prospects of our relationship. Right now my focus is on more important things, such as your predatory pedophile,” Simon threw a glance at the window, “and the curious misadventures of Daniel and Ian.”

Vi sighed, checked her watch, and reached for the telephone.

“Your pal Snookums cut into our time. I suggest we take the file with us back to my house.”

She punched a rapid succession of buttons, paused, and brightened when her husband answered.

“Hi, hon. Listen, we’re on our way. Yeah. OK. Well, someone who packs pickles and smells like vanilla tried to assault Mr Templar, but,” continued Vi with an affected breathlessness, “the Saint pantsed him and threw him out the door.”

Simon growled.

Off the phone and by his side, Vi Berkman tapped the Saint on the shoulder.

“It is alright to tease you a little bit, isn’t it, Saint?”

Simon, redepositing the last errant item into her black bag, gave her the warmest of smiles.

“Viola, my dear, true adult professionalism manifests itself as childlike play.”

“Which means?”

“You can tease me all you want,” said the Saint comfortably, and he meant it.

2

The slender silver key slid into the precision ignition and the momentary whir of the starter died into the smooth sibilant whisper of a perfectly tuned engine as Vi Berkman’s BMW came to life. She depressed the clutch, eased the gear lever into first, and heard the subdued click beside her as Simon Templar fastened his seat belt.

“You’re a good boy, Saint,” said Vi with maternal intonations.

Simon leaned back against black leather and allowed himself a moment of nostalgia, speaking in accents peculiar to the late and unlamented Prohibition Era crime boss, Dutch Kuhlmann.

“Yes, you vas a goot boy, Saint.”

Vi shifted smoothly into second gear. Simon sighed, ran his hands through his dark hair, and opened the passenger side window for a breath of Seattle’s night air.

“I was just thinking of someone I shot once,” remarked the Saint, “or maybe I shot him twice, hard to recall. Memories and carbon monoxide make an intoxicating combination.”

Vi drove; Simon scanned Seattle’s streets with eagle vision for Dan and Ian’s Volvo wagon. At the intersection of 3rd and Denny he noticed an aqua and white Nash Metropolitan in which the driver, Mr Surush Josi, was belting out the theme from “Oklahoma” at the top of his lungs.

Of Nepalese birth and impressive girth, Josi was as ignorant of Simon Templar as the Saint was of Mr Josi. Seldom demonstrably sociable, Surush was usually quiet, introspective, and impressively efficient. The occasional rocks tossed into his life’s pond by the hand of happenstance created only minor ripples, leaving both his inner being and outer countenance essentially undisturbed. As befitted his employment at the King County Morgue, the sight of blood, decay, dismemberment and decomposition bothered him not in the least. And Surush Josi was a man of secret appetites. His duck pin build attested an earnest appreciation of Nepal’s cuisine, but the passion of his solitude was Broadway show tunes. Be it “South Pacific,” “Gypsy,” or “Brigadoon,” Surush knew and loved them all.

Simon Templar smiled at the sight of Josi belting out Broadway standards to the silent audience of his windshield. Josi, oblivious to all details beyond the generalities of traffic, continued Eastbound while Vi Berkman turned Westbound. The paths of Surush Josi and Viola Berkman were never destined to cross, nor would he recall catching a brief glimpse of either the attractive female driver or her piratical passenger.

To pry Josi’s attention from the twin demands of safe driving and singing show tunes required either an element of quiet curiosity or a thunderclap of cognitive dissonance. The only curious item on his nightly pre-work drive was the earlier sighting of a bright red luminescent stick figure topped by an absurd elliptical halo adorning the side of a Volvo wagon as it entered the northbound lane of Interstate 5. He had no idea of the insignia’s intended meaning, what product it advertised, political position it endorsed, or the sociological implications of its application to a Swedish vehicle. He only knew that he had never seen it before and would certainly recognize it if he saw it again.

“Not pleasant to contemplate, is it Mr Templar?”

Rabbi Berkman, looking more akin to a collegiate linebacker than a Rabbi, poured fresh brewed coffee into Simon’s cup. Husky, rugged, and athletic with sandy brown hair and deep dark eyes, Nat Berkman appeared as ready to wrestle Jacob and the angels as he was to unravel intricacies of Talmudic scholarship.

When Vi and the Saint first arrived, the muscular Rabbi ground fresh coffee beans, measured them on the heavy side, and prepared the perfect pot of coffee as his wife and her guest shared full details of the evening’s adventures. As an additional treat, the Rabbi pulled a cardboard carton of pre-fabricated cinnamon roles from the refrigerator’s freezer compartment, microwaved them, and squeezed out a decorative white topping from an accompanying pouch.

Savoring the aromatic Sumatran blend, Simon enthusiastically complimented Nat Berkman on the superlative quality of his coffee; eating the rolls, the Saint commented solely to himself, was rather like chewing on plastic.

“Not pleasant at all,” confirmed the Saint, placing the final picture back into Vi’s manila folder.

The three sat comfortably in the Berkman’s well appointed condominium on the south slope of Queen Ann hill. The living room view encompassed the Space Needle, making the bright Seattle landmark resemble a colorful backyard souvenir.

Having examined Vi’s disturbing collection of amateur photographs, the possession of which would to grounds for prosecution in more than one State, Simon understood why she requested that the Saint intervene. Had the photos featured consenting adults he would have merely cocked an eyebrow at their inventiveness. But the central figure featured in the photos was neither adult nor consenting. The snapshots, Vi explained, were lifted from the scene of humiliation by a fourteen-year old street child known only as “Buzzy”.

“There is no way to identify the perpetrators of this outrage,” remarked Simon, and they knew exactly what he meant. “Aside from Buzzy who, judging from her haircut, was also attacked by a blind barber, no one could be picked out of traditional line-up.”

“And she refuses to go to the police,” completed Vi. “She confided to me that one of the men is Detective Dexter Talon, but if you were to ask her right now, she would deny any ability to identify either the men, the location, or admit that she is the girl in the photos.”

This was not, according to the Berkmans, an isolated incident. A group of men, including Talon and an amateur photographer, centered their personal proclivities on underage and defenseless children. Shielded by an aura of professional respectability, they operated with immunity and impunity, violating the fragile dignity of the street’s most vulnerable victims.

“You’re sure about Talon?” Simon asked as he stood and walked towards the window.

“Absolutely,” confirmed Vi.

“Does he know that you know?”

“I don’t think so, but it is possible.”

Simon’s gaze took in the multi-colored highpoints of Seattle’s skyline, the gentle meandering of slow-moving vehicles, and romantic couples strolling along the Queen Ann side-streets. He noticed one young woman’s golden hair reflecting the metropolitan illumination of moonlight and neon. For a moment, the Saint was far away.

So was Viola Inselheim Berkman.

Throughout her adulthood, Viola held to the indelible impression of the Saint retained from her childhood. She saw him as almost more than human, shamelessly reckless and impudent, capable of accomplishing the near impossible with nary a hair out of place nor a wrinkle to his wardrobe. Viola Berkman was, of course, absolutely correct.

As for the Saint, he knew she perceived him as a knightly hero, slayer of dragons, and righter of wrongs. Simon Templar, by his own admission, had never gloried in that particular role. To himself he was always an outlaw, pirate, and adventurer. If he were a champion of justice, it was his own justice that he championed — one neither inscribed in books of law nor reached by general consensus — a justice derived from inherent integrity. Simon Templar also realized that on nights such as these, he was more than a soldier of fortune; he was an agent of fate.

“I would be most interested to know,” said the Saint in a voice of strangely ethereal detachment, “a good deal more about our illustrious Detective Talon.”

“Well,” offered the Rabbi as if announcing a sports score, “I can tell you plenty. He’s been around at least a good decade and a half. He has, or had, enough of a reputation to survive the big purge they had on the force about ten years ago.”

“Purge?” Simon turned to face the Rabbi.

“Yeah, a big one.” Berkman cracked his knuckles in emphasis before reaching for another cinnamon roll. “Corruption and cover-ups went all the way to the top, but some clean cops spilled the proverbial beans to reporters after all sorts of clandestine meetings at the Dog House restaurant. It came out in the paper, big shakeup, heads rolled, and most of the department was flushed. Only the strong or the upstanding survived.”

“Either Talon was clean,” said the Saint, considering options, “or simply slippery. Or then again, maybe his unsavory ‘hobby’ is of recent acquisition.”

Vi gave a cynical laugh and brushed crumbs from the front of Nat’s sweater. “You mean like his acquisition of Uncle Elmo’s Good Time Arcade?”

“As you said earlier,” Simon admonished in a manner neither harsh nor light-hearted, “there’s nothing illegal about Talon having business interests, and the assisted suicide of dearly departed Uncle Elmo is no indication that Talon had anything to do with it. We must be careful not to allow our distaste for his alleged abhorrent behavior with little Buzzy to color our perception. What we need are facts.”

A look of surprise and minor disappointment passed over the face of Viola Berkman. She couldn’t believe the Saint doubted Talon’s thorough corruption.

Simon sat down, leaned forward, and looked back and forth between Vi and Nat as if he were about to share a deep, dark, secret, but a playful spark glimmered in his ice-blue eyes.

“Confidentially, despite my considerable criminal savvy and almost unerring brilliance,” said the Saint, “I have, believe it or not, made mistakes. Back in New York, years ago, there was a man named Valcross. I thought he was a paragon of civic virtue; he was the biggest crook in town.”

Vi nodded. She knew the story.

“And there was another time,” continued Simon with a self effacing grin, “when I thought an honest and hardworking Portland businessman named Irv Jardane was a bunko artist. Only a simple twist of fate saved me from making a ghastly mistake. As it turned out, I helped Irv make a bundle in the food preservation business. And while we never became what you’d call close friends, at least he wasn’t swindled out of his honest earnings, thanks to the Saint.”

“So,” said Viola Berkman with a questioning lilt, “the omniscient Simon Templar is telling us that omniscience has its limits?”

Nat washed down his latest mouthful with a large gulp of dark coffee, his finger raised to make a point.

“No, dear,” observed the Rabbi, “Mr Templar is the Saint. Hence, ‘to err is human; errant Divine’.”

Vi scowled and kicked at Nat’s shin as if it were an irritating Pekinese; Simon considered tossing a couch cushion at him or beaning him with the remaining cinnamon role.

“Henny Youngman, you’re not, hon,” drawled Viola affectionately as Simon stood, stretched, and strolled towards the window.

“Seriously, Mr Templar,” said Nat, changing his tone, “considering the attack on you earlier this evening, the questionable disappearance of those two young men, and that other character who wants you to run off to Neah Bay to search for the Costello Treasure, why don’t you simply call this Talon character on some pretense...” Before the sentence could be finished, Simon turned in obvious interruption.

“Yes, I do need to use your phone if you don’t mind,” said the Saint, and he picked up the sleek, black, cordless resting on the end table.

“Just a quick call to the Westin to check for messages,” explained Simon.

Vi raised her coffee to her lips, but her eyes never left the Saint. She heard him identify himself, request messages, and she saw him smile at the two of them as he listened. She also saw his eyes momentarily narrow, then suddenly brighten.

“My, my, my,” said the Saint with bemused wonder. He depressed the new call key and punched in seven digits as he turned back towards the windowed view of the Emerald City.

Nat and Vi eyed Simon with mounting curiosity.

“Hello,” the Saint began with a solid, business-like delivery, “this is Simon Templar returning your call, and I must say that I am most eager to hear what you have to say.”

The Berkmans looked at each other and shrugged.

“Yes. Yes. Uh-huh. I see. The Checkerboard Room?” Simon looked over his shoulder at them for confirmation. They nodded, not knowing what they were confirming, nor to what they were agreeing. “OK. Half hour. I will? Alright. Thank you.”

Simon returned from the window, replaced the phone on the table, took his seat, and savored another sip of Nat Berkman’s superlative coffee.

The Berkmans were, as the saying goes, on the edge of their seats.

“Well? What was all that about?” asked Vi in a voice that was almost too loud.

The Saint laughed.

“Ah, the marvels of voice mail,” said Simon with absolute sincerity, “I had three messages waiting for me. The first was from Barney Malone informing me that if I had a brain in my head I would be watching ‘Trial Without Jury’ on Channel 13; the second was from Bill Farley of the Seattle Mystery Bookshop requesting additional autographed copies of ‘The Pirate’ to meet the rising and inexplicable demand; the third was from a Detective Dexter Talon. I returned his call immediately and I shall see the gentleman in person about a half-hour from now at Ernie Steele’s Checkerboard Room on Capitol Hill.”

Rabbi Berkman almost dropped his saucer.

The Saint cleared his cup from the table, carried it into the kitchen, and called out a request for Vi to summon a taxi.

“I’d borrow your BMW, but I having it riddled with bullet holes might harm the finish,” remarked Simon as he ran water in the sink and made clattering noises with the cutlery.

“Bullet holes?” Rabbi Berkman was still recovering from the syncronicity of Talon’s call for the Saint; Vi was already detailing their address to the cab dispatcher.

Simon excused himself to freshen-up before departing to meet Talon, but paused to make one admittedly unusual request.

“Would you happen to have either duct tape or an ace bandage?”

3

“Judas ain’t.”

“I beg your pardon,” said the Saint.

“Judas ain’t,” repeated the cabbie as the Grey Top taxi turned East on Mercer and headed towards Capitol Hill.

“Judas ain’t what?”

“Judas ain’t diguydigits dibageyes,” explained the driver with conspiratorial glee, “sawyon afer disoaps.”

“You’re absolutely right,” confirmed Simon after searching his memory bank for a neumonic Rosetta Stone to America’s diverse accents and intonations, “I am the Saint, the guy that gets the bad guys. And yes, you saw me on on after ‘the soaps’.”

Temporarily trapped in traffic directly in front of the Seattle Center Arena, Simon witnessed roving packs of denim clad teens and leather jacketed adolescents herding across the street to queue up under a marquee reading “Grand Theft — Conquest of America Tour.”

The driver spoke again, and Simon activated his mental decoder.

“This concert’s a big deal, I guess. Read about it in the paper. You into that stuff?”

The Saint shook his head and laughed.

“No, not at all. Whatever vices I have, being addicted to rock ’n’ roll is not one of them. I do admit, however, to following some of these characters’ more colorful escapades. If my memory serves me well, this particular thieves’ picnic had quite a spread in the newspaper.”

In truth, the only reason Simon Templar scanned the Seattle Times’ Grand Theft profile was because of its adjacency to more important articles about the Saint in Seattle, the premier of ‘The Pirate’, the love life of Emilio Hernandez, and the anticipated international attendees of the Maritime Issues Forum.

“This is Grand Theft’s big comeback tour,” the cabbie said sarcastically as the taxi began to make progress on Mercer, “they’re old enough to have fathered half the audience, and from what I’ve read about ’em, they probably did. They split up several years ago, but Lord knows why.”

Simon studied a gaggle of affluent youths preening, posing, and pretending to do neither as they acted out their pop culture rituals.

“It was probably a combination of interpersonal malaise, managerial condiments, and the group’s digression into out-of-body aerobics,” offered the Saint. “Personally, I wouldn’t buy a ticket if they were giving them away.”

“Naw, me neither,” admitted the driver, “they ain’t my style, but some of those kids would do anything to get in. Jeez,” added the cabbie, pointing to one rather colorful grouping, “these kids today. Just look at ’em.”

The Saint had been looking for some time. A young girl with a heretical haircut paced in front of the Arena wearing only a lightweight denim jacket, tank top, torn jeans, and tattered tennis shoes. Unlike the majority of youngsters crowding the concert’s doors, no caring parent dropped her off with a pre-paid ticket, an extra twenty bucks, and assurances of a safe ride home. Perhaps the frail young teen was not Viola’s Buzzy, but her street-weary aura pierced the crowd’s festive atmosphere like a lighthouse beacon, illuminating Simon Templar’s sense of purpose.

The two men traveled in silence as the cab dipped under the Aurora overpass, and at precisely the intersection of Mercer and Fairview the Saint vowed with iron resolve that Dexter Talon would not escape his justice.

Ernie Steel’s Checkerboard Room, the alcohol serving adjunct to what is best described as a diner rather than a restaurant or cafe, was comprised of two overlapping seating sections: smoking and chain-smoking. Had Simon Templar not long ago abandoned the harmful habit, he would have barely noticed the thick blue haze discoloring the wine-stained backdrop of false front comraderie demonstrated by Detective Dexter Talon.

The Saint had encountered all manner of detectives in his adventurous career, most of whom sought reasons for either his arrest or extradition, and he often derived delight from tweaking their collective noses. Simon did not want to tweak Talon’s nose. Punching his nose, for that matter, would be insufficient punishment for a representative of law and order whom Templar found totally insufferable and blatantly offensive. And while suppressed hostility is almost always perceived, the Saint had long ago perfected the uncanny ability of appearing benignly agreeable to those he thoroughly despised.

“So you’re the famous Simon Templar,” said Talon as if it were a joke.

“Yes, a pleasure to meet you, Detective,” Simon answered as if he meant it, extending his virile grip to Talon’s fleshy palm.

The detective recognized the Saint the moment Simon Templar walked through the door. It would have been difficult not to spot him. He was the only celebrity in Ernie Steel’s, and the singular gentleman in attendance who could, by any amplitude of perception or imagination, be termed elegant, refined, piratically handsome or dangerously picaresque. As the customers’ vocabularies were limited to the recitation of brand name bottled spirits and the mascot nomenclature of collegiate and professional ball teams, none of them would have applied analogous edifying phrases had they considered describing him at all, which they did not.

Talon, to be courteous in our appraisal, rather resembled a rolled boneless ham. His waxy flesh appeared sloppily glued to his rubbery sinews, giving the impression that creational improvisation, either by design or oversight, deprived him of a standard-issue skeletal frame. His adipose abdomen flopped over his waistband while his chin attempted obscuring the knot of his necktie.

“I know all about you, Saint,” said Talon, “and I know you’ve got a thing about detectives.”

“I’m not quite sure, under the circumstances, exactly how you mean that,” Simon said, his face giving a flawless impersonation of a friendly smile as the two sat at Talon’s dark corner table.

“I’ve read about you, even heard your ol’ pal John Fernack of the NYPD go on about ya once at one of our cop conventions back east some years ago. Beer?”

“Sure, the house brand will do,” answered the Saint, and Talon seemed to smirk while his dark little eyes swiveled in their sockets like greased ball-bearings.

“Yeah, right. Here’s the deal, Templar. Listen, we got a problem.”

“We? We’ve only just met, and we have a problem?”

Talon fished into a crumpled pack of short, non-filtered cigarette, pulled one out, lit it, hacked out the first puff, and poked the pack with a stubby forefinger.

“Help yourself if you want one.”

“That’s OK,” said Simon politely, “I’ll just breath yours.”

Talon glanced around the room as if what he was about to say required confidentiality. It did. When the beer arrived and the waiter departed, Talon spoke.

“I didn’t call up beggin’ you to come see me so we could swap true crime stories or chew the fat about dead criminals we’ve known and loved. When I say ‘we got a problem’ I mean it. The problem started out being mine, but now, whether you like it or not, it’s yours.”

The detective spit an errant piece of tobacco from his tongue’s tip, flipped a bit of ash into the black plastic ashtray, and waited encouragement from the Saint.

“Oh?” Simon’s response — flat, abrupt, and unemotional — was not exactly the encouragement Talon anticipated, but it served as an appropriate prompt. The grotesque detective raised the long necked bottle to his thin lipped mouth, the flabby flesh above his collar creasing and bending backwards as if an elastic hinge were secretly embedded behind his gullet. Talon gulped four ounces, banged the bottle back on the table, and began his clumsily rehearsed recitation.

“I ain’t no crooked cop, and I been around more than twenty years and in this town that’s sayin’ somethin’. But...” Talon stopped and stared at the table as if expecting his next line of dialog to be etched into the wood. It wasn’t. His heavy shoulders raised in a gargantuan sigh and, after taking another long, slow drag of acrid tobacco, continued. “I hate to admit what I’ve done because its embarrasing as hell.”

Remembering Viola’s photos of the violated Buzzy, the Saint’s eyes seared into Talon like twin shafts of iced lightning.

“I’m being blackmailed,” blurted out Talon with startling suddeness, “Blackmailed, Templar. You hear that? And I’ve paid and paid and there is no end to it.”

“Blackmail?”

“Damn right,” said Talon, his piggy eyes aimed pleadingly at the Saint. “I know how you feel about blackmailers. It’s no secret you think they’re scum. Hell, old John Fernack clued me in on your attitude about that years ago, but it ain’t easy acting like some vigilante rub-out artist when you’re a respected police detective.”

The Saint was not about to quibble with Talon over degrees of respectability, and as the unattractive detective had unexpectedly put a new spin on the evening’s festivities, Simon could no longer play it cold and aloof.

“You’re correct about my attitude towards blackmailers, Talon,” said the Saint seriously, “You’re a fool to pay them, they won’t stop on their own, and the option I endorse is outside the realm of approved police behavior. You did say you paid, right?”

Talon’s head wobbled an ashamed affirmation as he deliberately stubbed out the last life of his smoldering butt.

“Yeah, at first I figured what else could I do...”

Simon leaned closer, speaking in tones simultaneously silken and deadly.

“Tell me, dear Talon, why exactly are you being blackmailed, by whom, and why is it suddenly my problem?”

Dexter Tallon affected a sheepish expression for which he was ill suited, and a small smug grin inched across his lips. “It’s your problem because I used your name.”

Simon felt as if the linoleum floor of Ernie Steel’s Checkerboard room had evaporated mirage-like beneath him, leaving the detective, the table, two chairs, two bottles of beer, and one dirty ashtray suspended in mid-air.

“You used what?” The Saint did not disguise his incredulity.

Talon shifted in his chair, lit another cigarette as almost an affrontive gesture, and said it agin.

“I used your name. You know: Simon Templar, alias the Saint, the Robin Hood of Modern Crime and all that.”

“I believe my name and likeness are now officially registered trademarks,” said the Saint dryly, “I’m afraid they can’t be used without paying an outrageous licensing fee. According to my agent, I am worth more than all the Warner, Ritz, and Marx brothers combined.”

Talon took another hot-box drag and washed it down with cold beer.

“Yeah, well I figured your name was worth somethin’ alright. When they kept asking for money and I’d had enough, I told them you were an old pal of mine, that we shared similar interests,” said Talon with an offensive wink, “and that you and your gang would take care of them but good. When you came rollin’ into town with your famous face all over the news, that’s when I told ’em they were dead ducks for sure.”

Simon leaned back and gave Detective Dexter Talon the slow, visual once-over. The Saint’s steely gaze seemed to pierce his very soul, and Talon slowly squirmed in his seat.

“Who are ‘they’ and why exactly are you being blackmailed?” asked Simon, “And please be precise. If you’ve been throwing my name around, I have a right to know all the gruesome details. Before you answer, please give the formulation of your response significant considerations concerning honesty, accuracy, and my reputation.” The Saint weighted the final few words with intonations designed to elicit images of murder and mayhem.

Detective Talon deflated like a punctured bop-bag, small snorts of smoke puffed from his nostrils, and he told his tale of woe.

“I love bein’ a cop, Saint, but there’s more to life than that. Look at me. Its easy to see that I don’t have much of what you’d call a social life. I was married once, years ago, nice girl. Sort of. We had a kid. Got problems. Cop’s kid’s problems. Nothin’ but trouble.”

“And the reason your being blackmailed is...” prompted the Saint impatiently.

Talon glared while smashing his cigarette’s red tip into the crowded ashtray. His fingers came out smudged and smelly.

“Give a guy a break, Templar. I’m tryin’ to tell ya.” He reached for another smoke, but Simon put his hand on the pack.

“At the rate your smoking those you’ll be dead before the waiter asks if we want another beer, so to keep me from hearing this story wheezed through a respirator, let me make it easy for you. Most people are blackmailed over illicit romantic entaglements or past illegal activities. Being that you survived the famous purge of the Seattle Police, I’ll assume that you were indiscrete with someone’s wife, husband, daughter, livestock, or modern kitchen appliance, and the ungodly want you to pay up or be exposed. Am I correct?”

“Close enough,” admitted the detective, “I like women, OK? There’s nothin’ wrong with that. I’m a man. Unnerstan’?”

“Yes, I like women too,” responded the Saint compasssionately. “My only problem has been in the plurality, but please go on.”

“Well, I got in with a guy who snapped some photos and now I’m paying. But his demands are beyond extreme. I’ve already given him twenty grand.”

Simon Templar, an accomplished expert at the game of cat and mouse, long ago discovered the joys of tossing catnip and mousetraps onto the playing field.

“Oh, you must mean those cute snapshots of little Buzzy, the girl with the dreadful haircut,” announced the Saint happily, “why don’t you just arrange to give these leeches the ‘Uncle Elmo’ treatment?”

The emotional explosion from Dexter Talon was immediate and volatile. The thick fist thrown towards Simon’s face stopped mid-flight, snared by the immovable might of the Saint’s own grip. He tightened his fingers, Talon grimaced, and the Saint laughed as if the two were at play.

“Calm down, Detective,” said the Saint through a false smile, “or our fellow customers will think there has been a rift in our friendship. And we certainly don’t want to attract attention, now do we?”

Talon’ eyes smoldered, his ashen cheeks reddened with anger.

“What was it that pushed your hot-button, Talon? Was it little Buzzy that raised your ire, or was it the reference to the late, great Uncle Elmo? Speaking man to man, if you want my help, I need to know all the distasteful details.”

Talon relaxed, pulled back his squished fist, and sagged in his chair. Simon picked up the crumpled pack of smokes, removed one, and handed the single cigarette to the weary looking detective.

“You have from the moment you light it until the time you stub it out to tell me absolutely everything, so either speak quickly or don’t inhale.”

The detective sucked back more beer before igniting his fix; the Saint sampled the watery brew and found it lacking in both body and flavor.

“You know plenty considering you’re new in town,” began Talon with a trace of sarcasm, “the loser called Uncle Elmo got in deep with organized crime and they bumped him off. It was good riddance. A lawyer buddy of mine and I formed a corporation and bought out the place from his survivors. It was on the q.t., of course, but the criminals got the message — the place is clean, no prostitution, the girls are protected,”

“And you get dates motivated by appreciation and gratitude,” added the Saint.

A slight smile and small shrug from Talon indicated Simon was on the right track.

“Strange, isn’t it Saint, that the best way to put crooks out of work is for cops to take over the business?”

Simon simply raised his eyebrows.

“That’s it as far as Elmo is concerned,” said Talon, “He’s exceptionally dead, and probably the better for it. As for the girl with the horrid haircut,” he added bitterly, “she’s no innocent sweetheart, I’ll tell ya that right now. She may be underage, but what she lacks in years she makes up for in conniving greed and deception. Trust me, Saint,” insisted Talon with obvious anger, “if she was being used, it wasn’t by me. Put make up on her and a pair of heels, and believe me, she looks every inch a woman. I was set up with her by this guy who had become my party buddy. A picture taker who’s now takin’ me to the cleaners. Turns out this street-wise little trollop is in on the deal from the get-go.”

Talon, noticing that his cigarette was about to burn his fingers, set it in the black ashtray and used a previously extinguished fellow to crush it out.

“The Badger Game,” said the Saint, “it’s one of the oldest cons in the book. Except in your case no outraged husband came bursting in at an embarrassing moment accompanied by a camera toting accomplice pretending to be a private eye. Instead, you got the squeeze put on you maybe a day or even a week or two later.”

“Exactly. It was about five days after the girl and I... well, anyway, my ‘good buddy’ comes around and you know the rest, or most of the rest. And there has been some cat following me.”

“You mean cat as in hipster, cat as in feline, or do you mean something else entirely?”

“Maybe it’s an enforcer, maybe it’s someone from the old Uncle Elmo’s crowd, I even thought it might be someone with you. Anyway, I haven’t really seen ’im, but I can tell when someone is following me.”

So could the Saint.

Simon washed down his distaste for Talon and the other principle players in this unsavory game with another swallow of headless beer. As his mind was drifting into considerations of the mystery cat’s identity, he forced himself to re-focus on the most urgent and imperative issues.

“You said your ‘good buddy’, the one you told that I was coming to get him, is an amateur photographer,” said the Saint, “does he have another profession?”

“Ya mean a job?”

Simon nodded.

“Yeah, sure. Something normal, but...”

Simon raised his hand in obvious interruption. “And now, for the jackpot question: does his job have anything to do with seafood?”

Detective Dexter Talon starred at the Saint, a look of begrudging cynical admiration distorting his already unpleasant face.

“Jeeze, Templar, is there anything you don’t know?”

Simon waved a summons to the nearby waiter, addressing him with exultation.

“Bring my friend here another pack of these delicious, nourishing cigarettes,” insisted Simon as he showed the shabby pack to the gaunt, humorless waiter, “and bring us both another round of that yellow water with the suds on top.”

The Saint never tired of intrigue, nor was he distressed by mounting layers of deception. To Simon Templar, they were all part of life’s grand adventure.

“Talon, you slippery old rake, ’tis time for us to conspire together for the betterment of mankind.”

The adipose investigator regarded Simon with renewed suspicion.

“When the beer gets here, you can light up another one of your smelly smokes and tell me everything you know about Salvadore Alisdare. In return, I’ll tell you a little known but absolutely true story about Dolores Costello.”

4

In the following forty five minutes, Simon Templar inhaled massive amounts of second hand smoke, swallowed minimal amounts of American beer, and absorbed intoxicating information regarding Talon and Alisdare’s symbiotic relationship. Although exceptionally well concealed, the Saint’s disdainful attitude towards both men had not undergone even the most minimal of modifications. While Simon’s external presentation was warmth and accessibility personified, there was ice at the core of his being.

“He’s nuts and dangerous,” declared Talon to a seemingly enraptured Saint, “I never knew what a loose cannon this guy was until he started puttin’ the hammer on me. I ain’t no social worker or a psychiatrist, but the guy is a first class sociopath, if ya ask me.”

Simon Templar, having previously witnessed Salvadore’s dual nature in an unsubtle display outside the Westin Hotel, was not surprised by Talon’s roughly expressed evaluations.

“As for that stupid Costello Treasure nonsense,” continued Talon, “it musta been jus’ some scam to get ya to leave town with him. God knows what would have happened to you if you went with him. He probably planned to give ya da woiks.”

Simon spun his beer bottle slowly on the table.

“Give me the woiks?” the Saint found the phrase more flavorful than the local brew. “That’s the type of expression which proves you’re truly of the old school.”

“Yeah, and I graduated with honors,” said Talon, hacking out a gurgling, alcohol scented guffaw, “You and me, Saint, we both know the good ol’ days.”

Simon smiled with his lips, but allowed his eyes to drift. There was nothing in the two men’s life experiences upon which to base even the most superficial of friendships. To the Saint, they were sworn enemies. And, as did many of his enemies, Talon foolishly assumed the Saint could be played for a sucker.

“Kill him,” said Simon suddenly, catching the detective off-guard. “Kill the little weasel and get it over with.”

The Saint suddenly stood from the table, tossed a few bills down by the ashtray, and made obvious motions to leave.

“What?” Talon’s bulk banged the table as he attempted to rise. “Whatchamean?”

“You heard me,” said Simon as he put a restraining hand on Talon’s shoulder and bent down to speak sotto-voce.

“Listen to me. I gave up the swashbuckling business years ago because I figured it was time to live off my well earned reputation and dubiously acquired fortune. I haven’t been arrested for years, nor had as much as a traffic citation for decades. If a damsel in distress ran in here right now insisting that she was being pursued by a submarine fleet of armed and dangerous romance-starved terrorists, I would gently point her towards the pay phone and, at best, offer her correct change for a local call to the Seattle Police. Maybe you would be the detective assigned to the case. That, dear Talon, is the extent of my involvement with matters of law and justice. For all intents and purposes, I am a well-known has-been — a marketable one, but one none-the-less. As for my ‘gang’ taking care of anybody, my ‘gang’ dissolved so far back that any newspaper clippings they might have saved in their scrapbooks yellowed long ago. If you and I are of the ‘old school,’ I’m afraid that building has been condemned. But,” added the Saint emphatically, “I will give you this one bit of honest-to-God advice: kill Salvadore Alisdare. If he really did set you up, if he really is blackmailing you, I don’t know a cleaner cure. Make it appear an accident, make it appear self-defense, make it whatever you want. I’m not going to do it for you and I’m not going to participate. I am only giving you my opinion.”

Talon sat speechless, each softly spoken phrase pounding into his brain like a pile-driver.

“One more thing,” said Simon with intensified confidentiality, “I couldn’t help but notice that it never occurred to you to ask me how I knew about little Buzzy or where I had seen the incriminating photos. Decent detectives notice such errors of omission, even old amateurs such as myself. You are, in the vernacular, a scumbag, Talon. If these were the good old days, I would gladly give you ‘da woiks’ myself.”

Talon gulped audibly.

The Saint reached down, scooped up the pack of cigarettes from the table, pulled out the remaining coffin nails, and tossed them directly into the detective’s lap.

“Here,” said the Saint flashing his brightest smile, “why don’t you suck on all those at once and put everyone out of your misery.”

Simon Templar turned briskly on his heels and made a direct line for the door. The Saint always enjoyed a melodramatic exit, and he was particularly proud of this one. He had vented his honest anger at Detective Talon in a blatant display of believable dishonesty. There was no doubt that Talon swallowed Simon’s convincing post-retirement diatribe. After all, the Saint’s most recent foray in the realm of outrageous adventure — an unchronicled caper in British Columbia involving Marian Kent of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police — had been well-concealed from the press on both sides of the border.

Outside Ernie Steele’s, the Saint filled his lungs with Seattle’s crisp night air and noticed the brightly illumined marquee of the Broadway Theater.

NOW PLAYING

Simon Templar’s

THE PIRATE

Coming Soon: Love, The Redeemer

Before he could turn left or right, Simon felt the distinctive pressure of a small gun barrel nudged against his ribs.

“Oh, no!” exclaimed the Saint, “Not that!”

“Calm down, Templar. Keep quiet and I won’t shoot.”

The gruff voice did not belong to Dexter Talon, and while the Saint was curious as to who was jabbing him with a diminutive firearm, he knew he would find out soon enough.

“It’s not the iddy-biddy gun in my ribs that concerns me,” said the Saint without so much as budging, “its the horrendous realization that ‘Love, The Redeemer’ has been made into a movie. Really,” continued the Saint as if having a drawing room conversation, “it was a quite dreadful play.”

“Start walking up the street, wiseguy,” insisted the voice, but the Saint refused to move.

“I don’t think so. No, I really don’t think so at all.”

Between the words “think” and “all”, Simon Templar turned sharply on his heels to face the man eye to eye.

“Why Snookums, dearest,” intoned the Saint, “you’re more ugly than ever. Of course, you’ll be even uglier after I take that away your clumsily concealed peashooter and use it to hammer your forehead. Besides, there is a famous Seattle detective sitting in the Checkerboard Room right beyond that door.”

Snookums, operating upon the erroneous assumption that any man will do what you want if you have a gun on him, stared at the Saint in total confusion.

“Do you honestly intend to gun me down amid the bright lights of Broadway?” asked Simon as if chatting with a familiar acquaintance. “You must be under the mistaken impression that I’ll go where you want and do as you insist because of the implied threat of physical violence. Now, it is possible that where you want to take me is exactly where I want to go, but your manners are so affrontive that my response is, with all due courtesy, decidedly negative.”

The Saint threw back his head and laughed as if he had heard the joke of the century. When his head snapped forward, however, it did so with sudden impact and accurate aim.

In one flashing instant of rhinoplastic agony, a broken-nosed Snookums released the weapon and sagged at the knees. Simon jabbed him quickly in the ribs, caught him in what appeared as a playful embrace, pressed the pistol into the beast’s back, and began walking his would be assailant northbound on Broadway Avenue.

“A drinking ditty would be appropriate right about now,” insisted Simon to his bleary eyed and wobbly companion, and the Saint raised his manly baritone in song.

“Baby Jane, when only three

Spiked her sister’s milk with DDT,

And at the age of eight

She beaned her brother with a plate.

At thirteen, aiming slightly higher,

She set her Grandpa’s beard on fire;

Grandpa died in some distress,

But left a million, more or less.”

The evening crowd strolling up Broadway chuckled at the presumably alcohol fueled comraderie of the unlikely male couple. As Capitol Hill is notoriously supportive of unorthodox interpersonal relationships, no one gave the men’s behavior a second thought.

When Snookums’ vision and personal attitude began to re-align, the Saint encountered problems maneuvering him around the luxuriously maintained black Jaguar XKE which suddenly emerged from the parking lot of Jimmy Woo’s Jade Pagoda. Having kept his stumbling, disoriented, and angry burden from becoming an unwelcome hood ornament above the personalized license plate, 1 °COM, Simon propped the groggy beast against the restaurant’s wall, discretely impacted the concrete with Snookums’ head, pocketed the pistol, and hastily joined the pedestrians crossing the intersection of Broadway and Roy. As the Saint stepped on the curb, he glanced back to see Snookums slowly slide to the sidewalk and the shiny Jaguar slip sleekly into Northbound traffic.

The Saint quickly merged with the patrons queued up at the ticket window of the Harvard Exit, Seattle’s most famous specialty cinema. Dissimilar to such historical palaces as the Paramount or the Orpheum, the Harvard Exit was formerly the Women’s Century Club. It retained the Club’s demure hospitality and living room atmosphere while accomodating a discriminating theatrical audience in the social auditorium. The Exit’s patrons — collegiates, bohemians, and tweed attired upwardly mobile professionals — obviously preferred the subtitled double bill of “La Vaca Espana” and “Les Anges des Tenebres” to the American made blood and thunder adventure playing at the Broadway.

Certain that Snookums did not attempt snatching him without backup nearby, Simon quickly bypassed the ticket booth and directly entered the front door. As the Saint mounted the stairs, he retrieved an impressive memento from his billfold — a lifetime pass assigned by the theater’s original owners.

“Is this still good here?” asked Simon, showing the ticket to the young man inside the door.

“For you, Mr Templar, we always have a seat. If you’re looking for Karl Krogstad,” said the fellow with understandable cinema savvy and a warm smile, “he’s pontificating over by the piano.”

The Saint had no idea that Karl Krogstad, director of The Pirate, would be one of this evening’s patrons. Considering Krogstad’s repeated viewings of his own film, a double dose of subtitled foreign pretension was undoubtedly a creative salvo.

As described, Krogstad was indeed holding pre-curtain court around the keyboard, loudly and gregariously proclaiming the plight of struggling independent filmakers — a noble gesture in as much as two prestigious domestic nominations and several international accolades elevated Krogstad long ago from the ranks of the struggling, if not the independent.

“Simon,” called out Karl, “you’ve missed ‘La Vaca Espana,’ but the French film rolls right after intermission.”

“I saw ‘La Vaca Espana’ in Juan-Les-Pins,” responded the Saint as he clasped Karl’s enthusiastic grip in his own, “it broke my heart and I never recovered.”

“But it’s a COMEDY, Saint, a COMEDY!” Krogstad laughed loudly, the only way he knew how to.

“I realize that, Karl,” replied Simon, playfully picking a napkin from the piano top and using it to daub his eyes, “that’s what broke my heart.”

Krogstad popped a complimentary cookie into his mouth, unaware of Simon’s attention being more directed towards the door than the refreshments and atmosphere.

“Is Beck with you?” asked Karl as he chewed a macaroon, “She made tentative plans to join me here before the first feature, but she hasn’t shown up.”

“No, the last time I saw her was at the hotel,” said Simon, dismissing the probability of Kathryne being a damsel in distress. “She might have called it a night. After all, she had three book signings today in addition to the media reception.”

Karl nodded as the lobby’s lights blinked a summons to the second feature.

“Winning the Pulitzer does wreck havoc on your social life,” remarked Krogstad with a straight face.

“Are you sitting with someone special, or will you join our little party? There is someone here that I am doing my best to impress.”

The Saint pulled him gently aside as the other patrons moved towards the auditorium.

“Actually, I came in here purely on impulse to avoid potential contact with a contingent of the ungodly. I left one of them unconscious in front of Jimmy Woo’s. Finding you here is a fortunate bonus.”

Krogstad loosed another thunderous laugh.

“Really! Simon, how exciting. But tell me,” Karl chuckled, “who’s directing this adventure?”

“You can direct me to your car and loan me the keys; I’ll cover the cost of your taxi. If my evening’s escapades ever become a movie, the rights will be yours.”

“Yeeee,” gasped Krogstad, “One of those direct to video releases, no doubt. While I would love my fame assured, I don’t have a car tonight. We decided the designated driver should have a meter on his dashboard. Sorry. Here, take a macaroon for the road.”

Before Simon could stop him, Karl swept a chocolate cookie from a nearby tray and thrust it into the Saint’s jacket pocket. Krogstad’s hand recoiled as if it had encountered a scorpion.

“My God, Templar,” rasped Krogstad dramatically, “that’s a GUN! A real GUN!”

“Shhhh,” admonished Simon, “take it easy.”

Little beads of perspiration glistened on Krogstad’s reddened forehead.

“Listen, Saint, this is Seattle. We don’t carry guns into theaters. Espresso, yes; guns, no. There’s always the danger that someone who doesn’t like the film will shoot the projectionist.”

“An honest concern,” concurred the Saint, putting an arm around the hyperkinetic filmmaker, “And who knows what they would do if they knew there was a director in the house?”

Krogstad glanced about as if expecting an outburst of machine-gun fire, sighed nervously, and attempted to conceal his agitation.

“Wonderful,” mused Karl, “Enter the Saint and our lives are imperiled. Listen, Templar, don’t go shooting up the theater and terrorizing the patrons. I have an important potential financial backer in the audience teetering on the brink of signing a large check.”

“Finacial backer? I thought Barney Malone paid you a king’s ransom to direct The Pirate,” chided Simon.

“Yeah, it was a King’s ransom — a small, Balkan king, but a king nonetheless — but the trick in this business is to never invest your own money in dicey ventures.”

Karl elaborated as they walked towards the crowded autitorium.

“I have envisioned an international independent filmmakers conference and competition which would allow others the opportunity to become as reputable and mainstream as I by offering them high-profile exposure. There is, of course, entrance fees and attendance fees, and workshop fees, and material fees...”

“And you have a heart of gold, Karl,” added Simon with minimal facetiousness.

“Yes, I have a heart of gold and my potential backer has deep pockets, a law degree, and several beautiful maidens absurdly eager to have a career in showbusiness.”

Simon Templar did not stop cold, but he did stop.

“Money, maidens, and a law degree?”

Karl smiled a broad affirmation. “It is almost too good to be true,” confided Krogstad, “We’re talking big bucks, Saint. Big bucks and buxum babes all tied together with the kind of loot only a lawyer can manipulate.”

The floor seemed to ripple beneath Simon’s feet, and for the second time that evening he felt detatched from reality’s reference points.

“Karl, does the phrase ‘Good Time Arcade’ mean anything to you?”

Krogstad almost burst with joy.

“Yes! Templar you amaze me. No wonder you’re famous, you know everything. Of course I know the Good Time Arcade. That’s the guy, them’s the dames, and that’s the source of my backer’s money. You walked right by him when you came in. He was standing at the snack bar yaking to some client on his cellular phone. Lawyers are always on the phone, which is the best time to put a pen in their hand ’cause sometimes they’ll sign anything simply out of habit.”

“Interesting habits, indeed,” said the Saint as he glanced back towards the snack bar, “I trust you will introduce us.”

“You’re not going to shoot him, are you?” asked Karl, unsure of his own seriousness.

“Heaven forbid,” stated Simon reassuringly, “I would never shoot a potential financial backer, at least not in this chapter.”

Krogstad stared at the Saint as if increased visual acuity could impart clarity of comprehension.

“Well, that’s a relief,” mumbled Karl pointing his thumb toward the snack bar, “as soon as he gets off the phone, he’ll be heading this way.”

Simon turned to get a look at Karl’s prospective sugar daddy, fully prepared to squeeze the slimy fingers of a pin-striped, Brilliantine dipped, shifty-eyed insult to the legal profession. Instead, the Saint saw a youthful Mount Rushmore of a man bedecked in a bright canary yellow sweater and beige slacks walking briskly toward them. Arthur Rasnec’s face looked less than thirty, and his bright blond hair was razor-shaped in the most contemporary style, but tiny lines accenting his hazel eyes implied an added decade.

Introductions exchanged and hands well-shook, the Saint searched Arthur Rasnec’s facial expressions and body language for tell-tale signs of predatory underpinnings. Rasnec’s emotional infra-structure remained an impregnable fortress of self-containment.

“There’s always something,” said Rasnec, shaking his head in mild dismay as he pocketed his blatantly expensive and stylishly unobtrusive cellular phone, “Someone pilfered my office tonight and made off with my little .22.”

Krogstad, remembering the cold steel in Simon’s pocket, laughed nervously.

“The Saint didn’t do it,” insisted Karl jokingly, “He has an alibi, don’t you Simon?”

“Absolutely,” responded the Saint, “I was drinking beer with Detective Dexter Talon of the Seattle PD until only minutes ago.”

Again, Simon searched the lawyer’s boyish visage for reaction, but saw only an inscrutable mask of practiced social graces. What the Saint next perceived caused him to momentarily catch his breath — a vision of feminine beauty gliding effortlessly towards the three men. Karl poked him in the ribs.

“Here she comes.”

If a woman can make an entrance when she is already in the room, that is exactly what she did. Had there been an orchestral overture accented by the sudden illumination of a single spotlight, her arrival could not have been more enrapturing of male attention.

Perched upon exquisite heels, she embodied every cliched attribute of the hackneyed phrase, “drop-dead gorgeous”. From the fine points of her precision nails to the lustrous tips of the reddish-golden-brown hair cascading down to her shoulders; from her well turned ankles to her lightly rouged high-boned satin cheeks, she was deft and dazzling testimony to natural beauty brought to perfection by cosmetic artistry.

Her figure and features were undeniably attractive, and even a man as potentially jaded as Simon Templar found himself unabashedly fascinated. The knowing curve of her smile communicated a degree of familiarity to which even the Saint was unaccustomed from a stranger, and her eyes’ unalloyed alertness was almost tangible.

The woman did not exactly stop moving upon joining the all-male trio, but rather softly undulated herself to the side of Rasnec where she continued the most subtle hints of suggestive motility. Despite the encircling of her waist by Rasnec’s arm, her luminous gaze did not shift from the face of Simon Templar.

“So you’re the Saint. Nice to see you in a social environment. Call me Diamond,” said the vision, with a hint of humor. She offered Simon her hand as if proffering a gift to a king. He accepted the benefaction, giving it a proper conventional squeeze before bestowing an unconventional second press of measured lingering intensity.

“Social environment?” Simon anticipated a humorous reference to the illustrious illegality of his notorious past. The expectation of his anticipation was misdirected by several decades.

“I recognized you ‘window shopping’ downtown earlier this evening,” stated Diamond pleasantly, her oblique reference to Uncle Elmo’s did not pass undecoded by the Saint. “Are you a fan of the performing arts, Mr Templar?”

“The art is in the performance,” said the Saint, and he noticed an encouraging increase in her smile. There was more to Diamond than glitter, and more than Simon’s interest was piqued by her telegraphed inferences of privileged knowledge and laser insight.

Rasnec, giving Diamond’s waist a possessive squeeze, interrupted the one-to-one atmosphere with exclamatory verbal intrusion.

“Yep! Diamond’s going to be star alright. Look’s like one doesn’t she? We’re going to put her on the big screen in one of Karl’s films. Isn’t that right, Krogstad?”

All eyes swiveled to the red-faced director who loosed another trademark guffaw and nervously hid his hands in his pockets.

Diamond, as if mocking herself rather than the self-conscious director, batted her luxurious lashes and dropped her voice to a throaty resonance. “Do you have an authentic casting couch?”

“No, but we have seats waiting for us,” recovered Karl, gesturing toward the auditorium, “Shall we?”

The timing was perfect. A short bald man with an impressive moustache was about to address the crowd, detail merits and shortcomings of the upcoming feature, explain why he selected it for viewing, and announce the annual anniversary showing of his personal favorite, Casablanca.

“You kids go ahead,” said Simon. “I have an imperative appointment with my caterer.”

Rasnec’s plasticine smile never wavered, Diamond pursed an impressive pout, and Karl seemed relieved.

“And good luck with your movie career,” added the Saint, making the word “your” inclusive of all three.

Diamond posed majestically as Simon moved towards the double exit doors.

“My parents named me Diamond because I am a gem of inestimable value,” she declared, “but I am destined to become...”

The Saint, in a flash of both recognition and precognition, discerned her surprising allusion to Dagfinn Varnes’ alledged memoirs, and knew exactly what she was about to say. She said it.

“...the new Dolores Costello.”

Chapter 3

How Viola Berkman Searched for Herring, and Salvadore Alisdare Battled a Doorknob.

1

Stepping out onto Harvard Street, his mind swirling in response to Diamond’s blatant references to Salvadore Alisdare’s suspect Costello Treasure scenario, Simon Templar walked briskly southbound, cut across the A&P Market’s illumined parking lot, emerged one block east, and secured a Jet City taxi near the corner of Broadway and Denny.

“Take me to 14th and Madison, if you don’t mind,” instructed the Saint.

“And if I do mind, what am I supposed to do?” countered the crabby cabbie from beneath her Seattle Mariner’s baseball cap, “Take you some place else?” She had used this line so many times that it was part of her nightly repertoire.

“I’ve been some place else already, and this will be a new experience for me,” Simon stated casually. He glanced out the cab’s window towards Ernie Steele’s Checkerboard Room, wondering if Detective Talon was still sucking smoke and swallowing beer.

A familiar object, and a familiar face slid between Simon’s view and the bustling sidewalk. Inching in the opposite direction was Viola Berkman in her black BMW. Their eyes locked in recognition, and each quickly lowered a window.

“I’ve been circling this block forever,” admitted Vi with sheepish enthusiasm, “I’m dying of curiosity about your meeting with Talon.”

Simon considered transferring to Vi’s vehicle mid-street, but the taxi’s rear view mirror reflected the driver’s preemptive look of disapproval.

“14th and Madison. Meet you there.” Simon added a circular hand gesture indicating she should reverse direction.

The driver, pleased at not losing her fare, stopped scowling and wiggled her abundant eye-brows.

“That your girl friend or your wife?”

“Neither,” clarified the Saint, as if she was entitled to a clarification.

“Yeah, well I figured she looked a little young for you anyway,” the cabbie asserted emphatically. She retrieved a battered 8-track tape from the glove box and slammed it into the aged player.

“I like music while I drive,” she announced as if declaring a political conviction, “I play Grand Theft and I play it loud.” The final five words were stated with the implied conclusion: “And there is nothing you can do to stop me.”

The Saint, forever the essence of courtesy, offered one delicately phrased observation.

“It is traditional to torture the hero when he is in the hands of villains, not while he is in transit.”

The driver cranked up the volume and tossed back a retort over the cacophony of screaming guitars. “Who said you was the hero?”

“I’m the last hero you’ll have in this taxi,” muttered Simon, and the vehicle’s aural atmosphere was submerged in a deluge of reverberating electronic feedback.

Crowbar Schwartz, lead singer and rhythm guitarist for the power trio Grand Theft, was really named Crowbar Schwartz. The circumstances surrounding his distinctive appellative were the stuff of contemporary urban legend: while rushing his ever-loving spouse to the maternity hospital, the senior Mr Schwartz — a virtuoso Chicago musician with several tiresome compositions to his credit — lost control of his pristine Falcon Futura and wrapped it around a lamp post.

Trapped in twisted heavy metal, the laboring Mrs Schwartz — a beauty specialist and personal grooming consultant — remained miraculously unharmed. Her talented husband, dazed but uninjured, used a crowbar to free his wife at the exact moment their infant son emerged. Mr and Mrs Schwartz, perhaps still suffering from shock, agreed that the boy should be forever known as Crowbar Avon Schwartz.

While psychologists and sociologists later quibbled in print over the name’s influence on his career choice and lifestyle, Crowbar achieved considerable wealth by dedicating the fruit of his musically predisposed genes to replicating screeching tires, broken glass, and crashing metal on his guitar. As for stage make-up, Crowbar gratefully acknowledged his mother’s loving, professional, color-coordinated guidance. None of this, of course, was of particular interest to Simon Templar. His exposure to the atonal caterwaulings of Crowbar, despite their international and relentless air-play, was limited to this particular cab ride on Capitol Hill. Thankfully, as Broadway Avenue’s boutiques and restaurants gave way to the more educational trappings of Seattle University, the 8-track player devoured the tape.

So garbled and distorted was the original recorded performance that no deviation from its normal sound was initially discerned. Soon, however, the stretched mylar strangulation of Grand Theft’s earnest efforts became unmistakable as the ironically entitled selection, “Scream,” was ensnared by the capstan and entangled in the machine’s swirling metallic innards.

The driver ripped the plastic case from the dash and threw it violently to the floor. Long slender entrails of twisted, lifeless recording tape dangled death-like from the gaping hole in the console.

“Look at that,” exclaimed the aggravated cabbie.

“It looks better now than it sounded before,” said the Saint seriously.

She wheezed out a long, laborious sigh, turned on the radio, failed in a knob-spinning attempt at retrieving any of Seattle’s numerous AM signals, and barked an overworked and un-ladylike oath as she clicked off the dysfunctional receiver.

“Devoid of art, woman despairs,” observed Simon objectively, “I suppose we must now amuse ourselves with romantic conversation.”

“I don’t date customers, so you can save your breath,” she growled with believable menace.

The Saint, not easily menaced, allowed a faintly thoughtful smile to linger on the corners of his mouth, rather recklessly and dangerously. But that was like Simon Templar, who never got worked up about anything, let alone a lippy cabbie cursed by sudden mood-swings.

“I believe this is the first time anyone has ever actually told me to save my breath,” replied the Saint amiably. “Apparently, in the best pulp fiction tradition, I am about to be bludgeoned to death by clichés.”

“Hey!” The cabbie tugged down the bill of her Mariner’s cap, “You complainin’ about my drivin’?” While Simon Templar serenely contemplated the evening events, conversations, characters, and escapades, Viola Berkman easily maneuvered the irregular traffic patterns and unorthodox block structures of capital hill, eventually managing to position her BMW two car lengths behind Simon’s taxi. Equal distance behind purred a perfectly restored black Jaguar XKE.

“Blackmail? Serves the jerk right,” commented Viola as the Saint recounted scintillating details of the Checkerboard Room encounter, “But that business about Buzzy looking every inch a woman is delusional hogwash. Even a pig like Talon...” Vi stopped in disgust and tightened her overcoat against the night.

Simon had paid the cantankerous cab driver, met Vi at her parked vehicle, and walked her graciously to the provisional shelter of a green and white awning gracing the entrance of a tiny Italian bistro.

“You are about to enter the mind of a confused and desperate criminal,” stated the Saint flatly.

“Looks more like a pizza joint to me,” admitted Vi after a cursory appraisal of the bistro’s exterior.

“We’re not going in there,” clarified Simon, “we’re taking a brief walk to the non-existent Madison address of SeaQue Salvage.”

He took her arm and led her paternally to the end of the block. En route, he fished out Alisdare’s business card and showed it to Vi.

“You will notice that the address on the card corresponds not to any actual location of SeaQue Salvage, but only to...” He pointed across the street to a small store-front who’s exterior sign proclaimed “Mail Boxes for Rent.”

“In fact,” continued the Saint, “I am willing to wager that SeaQue doesn’t even have a mail box there.”

An electric Metro Transit bus, drawing power from overhead lines, passed through the intersection. Bright blue sparks crackled skyward in a minimal display of short-lived fireworks.

“Those bus sparks are one of my favorite things about Seattle,” she said, “but you didn’t bring me down here to watch buses and look at an unused mail-drop.” The light changed and Simon signaled for Vi to follow him to the other side of the street.

“It is a theory, about to be proven,” proclaimed the Saint once the two of them stood before the darkened store front, “that Salvadore Alisdare selected this Madison mail-drop as SeaQue’s fictional location without any great master plan in mind. I believe he chose it simply because he passed it everyday, or because it can be seen easily from...” Simon scanned the diverse businesses and outlets within view, and smiled with happy triumph as he pointed to large older building kitty-corner from Madison. “Right over there.”

Viola Berkman took a good look at the Saint’s prized discovery.

“Emerald City Custom Catering?”

“The sign says they are ‘The Seafood Specialists,’ ” confirmed Simon.

“Seafood?”

“They delivered the dynamite lobster fra diavola so pleasing to the media mavins at this afternoon’s reception. I believe Connie Cain put a daub behind each ear to win the heart of Emilio Hernandez.”

“A romantic gesture,” concurred Viola, “let’s all visualize that, shall we?”

“And,” continued Simon undaunted, “I am absolutely positive that they also do brisk business with Neptune Salad and dill pickles. Blackmail, extortion, and the exploitation of children are not, you will notice, advertised on the marquee, but comprise a significant portion of their fishy activities.”

Viola Berkman watched the late-night traffic cruising Madison before asking the obvious questions.

“Dill pickles as in ‘packed by Snookums’?”

“And sold by Salvadore Alisdare, purveyor of pickles, seafood, condiments, perversion, persecution, extortion, and illegal substances to boot. A man becoming increasingly irrational, desperate, and unpredictable; a man who handed me a $10,000 cashier’s check to search for the Costello Treasure.”

“Does this mean you have everything all figured out? You know what happened to Dan and Ian, how to stop Talon from victimizing children, and what the real story is on Dolores Costello?”

Simon put his arm around her and they began the walk back to her car.

“If I were that brilliant, this would only be a novella,” explained the Saint, “but I firmly believe that some simple breaking and entering, coupled with full-scale burglary of Salvadore’s fish and pickle palace, may give us more answers than we anticipate.”

They walked back across the street in silence. As they continued towards her BMW, he broached a serious and sensitive subject.

“Vi, there are a few things I haven’t told you. And I believe there is something you haven’t told me.”

The Saint’s blue eyes seemed iridescent in the dark, and his tone displayed none of the light playfulness which had characterized their previous banter.

“What do you mean,” asked Vi. She was neither overtly defensive nor offended.

“I haven’t told you that I met Arthur Rasnec tonight.”

Vi stopped.

“With Talon?”

“No.”

“I’ve never met him, myself. Where did this happen?” asked Vi.

“He was with Karl Krogstad, the director of The Pirate, at some silly double feature playing at the Harvard Exit. But there was a woman with him, a rather remarkable and attractive woman named Diamond, a woman who seemed to know more about what I was doing than she had any right to, including details of Alisdare’s bogus Costello Treasure story.”

Vi Berkman appeared momentarily surprised and unmistakably abashed. She averted her eyes, but Simon sensed it was not from guilt. He walked her to the driver’s side and held the door while she entered, then circled the back of the car. Vi released the door locks and Simon took the seat beside her. A few drops of light rain speckled the windshield; Vi adjusted the rear-view mirror; the Saint chuckled softly and shook his head.

“C’mon, Vi. What’s the story on Diamond? Your silence is deafening.”

She leaned her head back on the seat and sighed with a slight smile.

“Quite a looker isn’t she, Saint? Her name, so she says, is Diamond Tremayne. I honestly had no idea that your paths would cross, at least not tonight. All I know is that she has personal interests in getting to the bottom of this for reasons similar to mine, although I have the impression that her motivations may be more vengeance than justice. She told me that a cousin’s daughter got into some trouble a few years ago, ran away from home in Massachusetts, wound up in Seattle,” Vi sighed as if telling the story increased the burden of knowing the details, “and after her experiences here at the hands of a certain respected law enforcement official, she committed suicide. A scrawled note of drug-fuelled rumblings makes for poor evidence, especially out of town, but it was enough for Diamond. But not enough,” added Vi with a practiced air of professional detachment, “for the Federal authorities to whom she complained. They said they would look into it...”

Vi stared out the window for a moment, but she wasn’t looking at anything. Simon allowed her the silence. After a moment, Vi purposely decorated her face with an adult smile.

“I meet a lot of angry, confused and vindictive people in my line of work, Simon. Most of them make a lot of noise, and then go home. I’ve learned to take very few of them seriously. Anyway, when I shared my feelings about Rasnec and Talon’s connection to Uncle Elmo’s Good Time Arcade, Diamond seemed convinced that she could use her considerable feminine charms to successfully ingratiate herself with the primary suspects and, in her words, make them pay.”

Make them pay.

The Saint repeated the phrase almost inaudibly to himself, allowing the implications to percolate in his subconscious. The resultant realizations formed and extrapolated slowly at first, but Simon Templar soon felt a warm glow radiate from the center of his being, rising in increasing calorific intensity until it manifested itself in a grin of near luminescent magnitude.

His bright blue eyes widened as if attempting to absorb a panorama of possibilities. Perhaps, reasoned Vi, he was indulging in the predictable, masculine contemplation of Diamond’s ample, tempting lips, or the attractive packaging of her flawless features and statuesque physique.

“I think I’m in love,” declared the Saint. And Vi Berkman, to this day, affirms that she actually heard him giggle.

If the Rabbi’s wife believed the Saint had taken leave of his senses, she was not the first person to harbor such an erroneous impression. It may be noted, should one be taking notes, that Simon Templar had been considered irrevocably eccentric and decidedly absurd by numerous individuals throughout his distinctively dangerous career. For some, such an appraisal had proven fatal; for others, simply distracting. And were Viola to infer that the Twentieth Century’s Brightest Buccaneer had blown a bulb, such an hypothesis would only indicate a failed appreciation for an essential and endearing aspect of the Saint’s unique and wondrous personality. Simon Templar had always been his own greatest admirer, but such personal aggrandizement never obscured his appreciation for the accomplishments of others. Among the talents and abilities cultivated within himself was the glorious appreciation of the same light reflected in different mirrors. The dazzling illumination refracted by Diamond Tremayne was, by his appraisal, nothing short of breathtaking.

Although his initial intuitive deduction cleft the veils of conscious reasoning like a comet crashing resistless through the narrow mathematical orbits of logic, his brain had to catch up with it, plodding laboriously over the steps that inspiration had taken in its winged stride. For Simon Templar, such laborious plodding took mere moments, and he promptly offered an adequate, if truncated, explanation for his unexpected excursion into inappropriate jocularity.

“I’ve been bending my brain into a pretzel attempting to unravel this business with Talon, Alisdare, Buzzy, SeaQue Salvage, and the Costello Treasure,” admitted Simon, “and, up to a point, I accepted much of it as an improbable, yet intriguing, interlacing of coincidences. But Diamond crossed the line — her subtle references were lobbed over Rasnec’s head with clear intent. She wanted me to catch each and every allusion. Ever since I walked out of the Harvard Exit I’ve been asking myself what she was up to and how she knew so much. And then, when you said ‘make them pay’, I realized that she was doing exactly that — making them pay. I bet she’s responsible for Alisdare clipping Talon for twenty grand, responsible for Alisdare passing ten of it on to me. It is currently my conviction that the dynamic Ms Diamond is also the author of that outlandish Costello story. No wonder I thought it was a practical joke,” exclaimed Simon, remembering his initial impulse to credit Barney Malone, “I was never meant to fall for it in the first place. Alisdare was convinced that I would, but someone convinced him first. The con was a con from the moment of conception.”

Vi looked at the Saint with tight jawed intensity.

She had no interest in fabricated treasure stories nor intra-criminal deceptions.

“What Talon did to Buzzy is no practical joke,” she remarked ruefully, “We’re talking about predators, Simon. These men are life destroyers.”

The Saint turned towards her, taking her cool hands in his warm grip. Another bus passed by, but Vi didn’t notice the brief blue sparks reflected in her windshield. The blaze of solid determination flaming behind the Saint’s eyes transfixed her attention.

“I know what these men are, and they disgust me,” insisted Simon. “They don’t deserve to be called men at all, because they’re lower than animals. Trust me, Vi. I’ve vowed that Talon will not escape justice, and the same goes for Alisdare and the whole damn bunch. If Rasnec’s dirty, I guarantee you that he’s going down too.”

Vi’s own grip tightened as if drawing strength from a dynamic electric current.

“But we’re not alone in this,” continued the Saint seriously, “There is more going on with Diamond Tremayne than either of us fully understands. Each of us has met the woman only once, but from what she said tonight, I believe she’s working both sides of the game, raiding the hulls of two different ships, and is either smart enough or crazy enough to point it out to me. But that is a deadly and dangerous game to play.”

Vi loosed her hands and lowered her head.

“I don’t know, Saint. What kind of woman would ingratiate herself with the likes of those men?”

Condensation clouded the BMW’s windshield; smeared light seemed to run in rivulets across the tinted glass. Seattle, blurred and augmented by mid-town metropolitan drone, could have been any city of neon, nightlife, and too much traffic. The Saint thought of New York.

“Either a woman of purpose, or a woman without one,” answered the Saint.

“Really, Simon, a woman wielding influence over a pedophile?”

“Diamond was playing hip accessory to Arthur Rasnec, not Dexter Talon,” Simon reminded her, “and an opportunistic hedonist like Alisdare would gleefully accept entrepreneurial guidance from anyone projecting an air of malicious intent, especially one...”

“Who’s drop dead gorgeous?”

“I was going to say ‘exceptionally clever’,” said Simon, and they both knew he wasn’t going to say that at all.

“It is one thing to be a mocking desperado, it is quite another to be in the hands of one,” said the Saint wisely. “It recently occurred to me that I may be attempting to capture a galleon already boarded by another buccaneer.”

“What do we do now?” Asked Vi.

“We?”

She laughed nervously, relaxing somewhat from her previous pitch of keyed tension.

“You’re going to sample an Italian soda at that little bistro,” he stated pleasantly, “while I burgle Emerald City Catering.”

“Going after seafood?” She attempted regaining her sense of humor. “Absolutely not,” said the Saint. “This story has enough red herrings already.”

2

Twenty minutes later, Viola Inselheim Berkman sat sipping an Italian cream soda in the cozy bistro. The warm aroma of baking pizza permeated the air, relaxed conversations and occasional laughter drifted in from neighboring booths, and the dark wood bench upon which she sat seemed solid and reassuring. Simon Templar was also solid and reassuring, but he had merged into the night’s darkness some time ago armed, to her knowledge, with only a slim black flashlight.

She would wait; she would think; she would watch the traffic. She imagined the Saint sneaking into Emerald City Catering by violating whatever security existed for such establishments, and returning filled with self-satisfaction and pertinent information.

Vi swirled the cream around the ice cubes in her tall class, checked her watch, and glanced out the window. A sleek black Jaguar XKE pulled up along the bistro’s west side, stopped momentarily and moved on. She looked at her watch again and realized the hands had moved only one tiny increment since her previous examination of the dial.

She gave the ice cubes another ride around the glass. They slowed in their gradual spin and settled precariously, one atop another. She held the glass in her right hand and raised it to her lips. At that precise moment she saw an Emerald City Catering van turn the corner and head directly toward the old, dark building where Simon Templar was breaking and entering.

The glass stopped mid-motion and the ill-concealed shaking of her hand caused the weary cubes to collide in a wet, muted clatter. She delicately placed the glass on the table, resolutely rose, and walked out into the night with hell-bent determination and iron-willed resolve. Viola Inselheim Berkman would never allow the Ungodly to capture the Saint.

Simon Templar hated fighting in the dark. He calmly despised the entire scenario of dodging bullets, hiding behind makeshift shelters, and anticipating a sudden, shattering end to his carefree lawless career. He felt much the same about the intellectual equivalent. The Saint never fancied himself following in Bulldog Drummand’s footsteps; he preferred leaving dogmatic detection to plodding, patient, meticulous clue collectors and masters of deductive reasoning. Simon Templar’s mental gymnastics were, if one must invoke stereotypical geographic references, more conceptually Eastern. Jigsaw puzzles were neither his forte nor had he ever selected them as a pleasurable pastime. He could, if requested, successfully assemble the pieces, but gleaned no enchantment from the process nor completion. He was simply a big picture thinker.

Yet, here he was, performing one of his least favorite functions — breaking, entering, and searching for puzzle pieces. In the Saint’s intuitive and highly refined consciousness, he knew an absence of hard facts left drastic gaps in this adventure’s logic. The logical adventure was itself a rarity, but no more so than an uncritical publisher or an unblemished bootlegger. Criminals were seldom the masterminds portrayed in paperbacks, nor were they as successful in their complex conspiracies as best-seller hardbacks would have their readers believe. But greed and selfishness, coupled with an indiscriminate longing for excess wealth, had driven small time hoods to the big house, and bigwigs of industry to small cells in multi-tiered institutions. One man’s political indiscretion, the Saint once noted, was another man’s prison sentence. And while blind justice often peeked, Simon Templar preferred putting a thumb’s pressure on the scales of equity. At this exact moment, however, the Saint was applying his thumb and forefinger to the combination lock found on Salvadore Alisdare’s personal safe in Emerald City Catering.

Simon Templar burgled the building in record time, surveyed the basic layout of the enterprise, briefly admired the two gleaming stainless steel kitchens, located Salvadore Alisdare’s unimpressive office, riffled through every item on or in the cluttered desk, and set about unlocking whatever secrets were concealed behind tumblers and steel.

So advanced was he at the art of safecracking that he mastered the combination with minimal effort and a minor narrowing of concentration. Actually, to be perfectly frank, Alisdare’s investment in personal security was not up to industry standards. Perhaps had he been general manager rather than an opportunistic event planner with added responsibilities in cold storage and shipping, Alisdare could have procured a more complex and inviable system. In the deft and dazzling hands of Simon Templar, however, it would have made no difference whatsoever.

The safe’s door swung open, and the black flashlight’s intense shaft of precision illumination highlighted the contents. There was not much to highlight — a nefarious black book of names, numbers, and addresses, a yellow legal pad, a loose audio cassette tape, a battery powered micro-cassette recorder, and a small packet of photo negatives. The tape was labeled “Talon #1”; the negatives were similar in content, albeit more detailed, to the snapshots in Vi’s folder.

“Why, Alisdare, my dear, you are a thorough little blackmailer,” murmured Simon as he poked through the safe’s contents, “And you thought these would be more secure here than at home.”

A cursory examination of the black book revealed curious and incriminating annotations, women’s names with little stars drawn next to them, a cryptic ledger, a list of chemicals, and a thought provoking addendum under the name Dexter Talon: a.k.a. Tex Nolan. The address was a prestigious high-rise condominium complex on the 2000 block of Madison Park’s 43rd Ave. East. The phone number was not the one at which he had reached Talon earlier.

Enveloped in the cloak of darkness, peering into Alisdare’s collection of incriminating evidence, Simon had a bright idea. It was one of those wild, reckless and impertinent actions for which the Saint had been both roundly criticized and deservedly admired. He swiveled to the black business phone on Alisdare’s desk and dialed the fictional Tex Nolan’s unpublished phone number.

There was, of course, the distinct possibility that Talon was still ensconced in the smoky environs of Ernie Steele’s, cruising for adolescent company along First Avenue, or at his respectable address of record. Possibilities, however, seldom deterred the Saint from following inspiration’s prescient tickles.

“Hullo?” It was Talon answering, his voice rasping of bad beer and harsh tobacco.

“Sorry to bother you, Tex,” chirped the Saint affably, “but after I walked out on your alter ego, I decided to discover a few facts.”

“Saint! How did you...”

“Perfectly, the same way I do everything,” admitted Simon, “but in the joy of the moment, I couldn’t allow myself to forget you.”

Talon, shocked at receiving a call from Templar on his most secret of lines connected to his most secret of lives, was momentarily nonplussed but allowed his deepest fears to find voice.

“You’re working with Alisdare, aren’t you,” barked the detective, “he must have given you this number. I’ll get you both!”

“Relax, Tex,” advised the Saint, “Alisdare is your problem, and I suggest you take my initial advice. I have no more love for him than you do. He didn’t give me this number, nor did he reveal your secret identity. Let’s just say I’m not such a slouch at detective work myself. I don’t know everything, Talon,” Simon lied convincingly, “but enough to know Alisdare is up to his little red ears in more than seafood and serviettes. I’ve found a delightful stash of photo negatives...”

Talon choked.

“And I think the world would be better off without them.”

“You’re kidding.” Talon was incredulously grateful.

“Yes, it’s the Saint to the rescue, Tex. You can’t say I never did you a favor. Someday we’ll drink a mutual toast to justice.”

Talon wheezed out a lungful of relief.

The Saint hung up the phone and sat for a moment in the silence of Alisdare’s office. There were times when he amazed himself.

“To hell with Emelio Hernandez,” he said to no one in particular, “the best actor award goes to Simon Templar.”

He delved back into the safe and pulled out the yellow legal pad on which, in a woman’s fine handwriting, were the essential details of the Costello Treasure. The Saint chuckled to himself softly, retrieved Alisdare’s SeaQue Salvage business card from his pocket, memorized the phone number, and moved over to the desk. He again punched the telephone button for line one and dialed SeaQue. Line three began blinking silently and an answering machine commenced a pre-recorded response.

“Thank you for calling SeaQue,” cooed the unmistakable voice of Diamond Tremayne, “Mr Salvadore Alisdare cannot take your call right now, but if you will leave your name, number, and message at the sound of the tone, he will get back to you as soon as he can.”

While the machine transmitted Diamond’s mylar coated greeting, the Saint traced small wires trailing from the phone jack to an inexpensive answering machine installed as a touch of authenticity should Simon consider calling the number on the card.

Believing that Vi waited impatiently at the corner bistro, he hurriedly pocketed the negatives, microcorder and cassette, slid the little black book into his jacket pocket, tossed the legal pad back into the safe, shut the door, and made sure the black line above the dial pointed to the same digit as when he arrived.

The Saint slid silently past the second floor office area towards his unauthorized point of entry. He froze for a moment when he felt the low rumble of an arriving truck and heard the unmistakable metallic fanfare of the motorized delivery door widening its receptive jaws. Simon Templar banished all thoughts of Talon, Alisdare, and blackmail from his mind — the imperative issue at that exact moment was the Saint’s getaway.

He knew his bearings to the nth degree, and he travelled to his destination with the noiseless precision of a cat. In the near distance he heard the truck’s engine rattle to a healthy standstill and felt the violent vibration as the heavy metal door shook to a secure closure.

The Saint had not only the silence of a cat, but the curiosity as well. His very nature was torn between two opposing, but equally attractive scenarios. One was admittedly more mature and conservative — get out by whatever route was most accessible — the other was more confrontive and daring. There have been infamous incidences among the Saint’s escapades, many of them documented in print and enlarged by legend, during which his most efficient route to freedom was judicious application of unexpected confrontation. On this particular night, and in these specific circumstances, prudence born of experience convinced him that this venture was assuredly not one of those.

For one thing, the identity and purpose of the recent arrivals remained undisclosed. For another, he may not be in immediate danger. The truck’s driver could depart quickly, allowing him delayed but undisturbed egress. However, it was also possible that two or more Emerald City Catering employees would turn on every light in the joint, make themselves a pot of coffee, and spend the next hour or so playing gin rummy.

Artificial illumination instantly flooded the main floor, someone remarked about the imperative nature of coffee, and another insisted upon a new deck of cards.

It could be worse, reasoned Simon. At least he was one dark floor above them where he could tremulously hide in a hutch were he given to such self-protective temerity. The Saint, quickly discarding the option of being cramped in a cupboard, allocated himself a few trim minutes of eavesdropping before searching for the second story eaves.

“I wish Alisdare would score us some free tickets when we did these concert jobs,” said one fellow emphatically, “I’d love to be in the audience instead of just settin’ out cold cuts backstage.”

“Ah, c’mon, Dave,” responded the other, “you mean you really go for those guys? I don’t know how you can stand a bunch of old hippies jumping around screaming. Instead of Grand Theft, they should call themselves...”

His suggestion, while not suited for all audiences, caused Dave to guffaw and snort, an unpleasant auditory experience inexplicably interpreted as an expression of appreciative humor.

“Besides,” he continued, “I think Alisdare saves all the good perks for himself. If the job is lobster and scampi for big shots with big bucks, you can bet the little runt will be licking his fingers all the way to the client’s table. He had one of those today at the Westin. Some movie promotion and they probably spent as much on the food as they did on the special effects. That little goof-ball is probably spending his commission right now shovin’ tokens in the slot at Uncle Elmo’s peep show.”

Dave cut the cards.

“You’re kiddin’ me, Bud. Ya mean ol’ Alisdare hangs out down there?”

Bud laughed as if Dave was ready for his own prime-time comedy special.

“He hangs out there all right. There and that other dive, ‘Chesters,’ in Woodinville. Probably because the cold storage and ice sculpture guy is out there and they got that ‘Brine Time’ pickle business. What a racket,” chortled Bud as he sloshed coffee in his personal World’s Greatest Lover cup, “He makes money on the catering, plus he orders pickles from himself. He got some investor I guess to pump money into his pickle business, but I wouldn’t eat ’em ’cause, knowing him, ya never know where they been. He wanted me to party with him and some pals one night, but that kind of stuff is not my scene. I’d rather watch a ball game or listen to country-western.”

Dave rearranged his cards. It made no difference to the quality of his hand.

“I’d rather be tortured than listen to country-western,” said Dave slyly, and his mind was back at the Seattle Coliseum. “We’ll be back in time for their big encore. We gotta bring plenty of those Brine Time pickles and overpriced sandwiches for the road crew.”

Bud discarded a ten of diamonds.

“Did you catch that blond dressed like a space alien backstage? Boy, she can beam me up anytime.”

Both men laughed because such men laugh at such jokes; the Saint had heard enough. He relocated to the row of windows where his seldom used but never rusty talents as an accomplished second story man were put to immediate use in reverse.

Getting out, Simon discovered, was not going to be difficult. Getting out silently, however, was going to be impossible. He could open a window with only slight opposition, but the building’s ancient nature guaranteed grating screeches equal to Grand Theft’s encore.

The Saint was momentarily perplexed, but only momentarily. Two loud bangs, separated by a one-second pause, suddenly rattled the delivery door as if someone was entreating entry. As two knocks are almost always followed by a third, Simon threw open the window as the third shockwave hit the door. Success.

“What the hell?” Dave tossed his official Emerald City cap on the table next to the discard pile, set down his cards, and headed for the loading dock’s entrance.

“Oh, jeeze, it’s probably some nut,” offered Bud, the older and more experienced of the two. He had been through this more than once.

“We’re closed!” he yelled to the air, and watched his companion open the back door next to the large delivery entrance.

Weaving mildly in an excellent and accurate impersonation of a slightly sloshed and obviously inebriated upper class patron of Seattle’s nightspots was Mrs. Nathanial Berkman. She smiled and blinked, steadied herself, and raised her palm in a gesture so authoritative that any word attempting escape from the lips of the capless employee stopped short of expression.

“Pickled herring,” began Viola stepping forward with the determination of a steamroller about to descend a steep hill, “I’m looking for that pickled herring. Not the big rolled herring, not the wine herring, not the sour cream herring, but the pickled herring in the tall jars with all the onions. Not that I object to onions, mind you, but onions are no substitute for herring, a certain number of onions are obligatory, like ablutions before prayers.” Having propelled herself placidly through the opening, she panned her gaze around the interior of Emerald City Catering. Two guys, coffee, cards — one of the men sipping his java while watching his young compatriot handle the situation.

“You do understand about herring, don’t you?” She smiled hopefully.

“I understand we’re closed,” said Dave patiently, “and we don’t sell herring to walk-in customers anyway. We’re a catering service, not a deli.” He would have continued his explanation, but the coquetry look on Viola’s attractive face curtailed any further commentary.

He gently guided the well-groomed intruder back across the threshold and shut the door before Viola Berkman could say another word, and that was fine with her. Vi’s intent had been simply to ascertain the degree of tension behind the door, and as there was none, either the Saint had escaped or remained undiscovered. If a distraction were useful, useful she was.

“Are you sure you can’t spare a herring?” giggled Viola with a slight slur, the final request adding further authenticity to her performance as a slightly sozzled socialite. The only response was no response, and that too was fine with Mrs Berkman.

The Saint was squirming out the window when he heard the source of his fortuitous distraction. It was difficult to make out any details of the conversation, but Simon Templar silently thanked his providential guardian angels for once again ladling out preposterous amounts of delightful luck. With his strong fingers curved over the edge of the sill, Simon hung at his full arm’s length. Transferring to the narrow stone ledge running along the side of the building was effortless, and he moved quickly to the nearest corner.

From this vantage point he surveyed much of the neighborhood. Unfortunately, much of the neighborhood could, should they bother looking, survey the Saint. The closest streetlight shot glare across his vision. Simon considered a blind forward leap into mid-air would certainly result in crippling impact with either pavement or gravel; a calculated jump to the side could, if he were correct in his estimation of distance and positioning, allow him to land several feet below on the flat roof of a small retail outlet christened with the grandiose title “Prosthesis World.” Overestimating ability or underestimating distance would qualify him as a potential customer.

Deciding that another moment of blatant public exposure was unacceptable, the Saint took a leap of faith. It was a leap not dissimilar from any of the numerous leaps which find their way into these stories, except that mid-distance between the point of departure and the point of arrival, the cassette tape stashed in Simon’s pocket became independent of its human carrier and sailed off alone into the night, its clear plastic case shimmering with reflected light for one brief moment before plummeting into darkness and pavement. Simom heard the sharp treble crack of the cassette hitting the asphalt strip running between the two buildings only a millisecond before his strong legs delivered him unbroken atop Prosthesis World.

Crouched rooftop under moonlight, Simon Templar considered the familiarity of this nocturnal environment. Countless times he had scampered across similar roofs, swung from balustrades, dangled from sills, and stretched his lean athletic frame from drain gutter to lattice. The Saint could not deny that tonight was somehow different. There was an uncomfortable ache along the length of his calves and a mild cramping in his upper arms. Despite continued formal workouts, Simon regretfully acknowledged to himself how distant in actual experience were the once common physical rigors of demonstrative outlawry.

He watched another Metro Transit bus spark its way up Madison, noted the green neon sign of the Italian bistro, and leaned gargoyle-like over the roof’s edge. He retrieved the thin black flashlight from his jacket and aimed the pinpoint beam downward, but it revealed only the pavement’s predictable location.

The safest place to drop was from the roof’s far west side. Simon eased himself over the edge and let go. The ground, accented with a liberal sprinkling of gravel, was more uncomfortable on impact than he anticipated. He rolled once, stood quickly, straightened his clothing, and merged back into the tall foliage sprouting alongside the building.

Stepping from the shadows, he walked over and picked up the tape.

“Boo!”

3

Simon spun around and found himself facing a gleefully grinning Viola.

“Hey Mister, what’s a man your age doing jumping around like that?”

“C’mon,” urged the Saint as he took her arm, “Let’s go. What in the world are you doing here?”

“I’m the one who distracted the employees so you could do your nightly calisthenics,” declared Vi proudly as they strolled quickly, but not suspiciously, back to the bright lights of Madison.

“I’m glad that you’re having so much fun, Ms Berkman,” drawled the Saint. “But if you’re going to accompany me to the last rural lair of corrupt caterers and deviant pickle packers, I insist on taking the wheel.”

“Only if you tell me everything,” bargained Vi.

The Saint drove.

The BMW passed over the Evergreen Point Bridge towards the affluent eastside suburbs, and by the time it turned north on I-405, Simon had recounted his version of events and discoveries at Emerald City Catering. Vi poured through the pages of Alisdare’s little black book of names, dollar figures, cryptic notations, and references to ingredients not smiled upon by advocates of environmental protection.

“I don’t think this is a recipe for pickle brine,” said Vi jabbing a fingernail into the page. “Ferric chloride, ephdedrine sulphate, ammonia gas, benzaldehyde...”

“Don’t forget a liberal sprinkling of formaldehyde and acetic acid,” added the Saint, “that’s what makes Brine Time pickles so crunchy and Snookums so cranky.”

Vi shut the book.

“Cranky indeed. That’s what the kids call it — crank. They also call it speed, the poor man’s cocaine. I’ve seen kids on that stuff more nervous than a bag full of cats. They stay up for days without sleep, get paranoid and unpredictable...” Her voice trailed off as her jaw tightened in anger and determination.

The Saint gave the BMW some speed of its own and moved to the right hand lane.

“Methinks Mr Alisdare has been sampling his own product, judging from his recent behavior,” commented Simon, “and Snookums probably had a snoot-full when he entertained us at your office. But by the time the sun rises over the Cascades, I am absolutely positive that Talon and Alisdare will concern you no more.”

He said it with such flat matter-of-fact assurance that Viola could only look at him with comforted admiration.

Simon flicked the turn signal indicator and took the Woodinville/Duvall exit. A brightly lit self-service gas station illumined the descent from four lane freeway to the tiny town’s one main intersection. They turned left and continued on the Woodinville/Duvall road and soon passed the only enterprise doing any business at this late hour, the rowdy and raucous Chesters Dance Palace. A beer and wine outpost featuring exotic dance performances for men with bulging wallets, big tires on their pickups, and unfulfilled fantasies, Chesters had not yet become victim to the future’s unavoidable emergence of conservative family values and gentrified property improvement.

“You can guess who owns that joint,” muttered Vi, “the wonderful Mr Arthur Rasnec.”

“And probably without Dexter Talon,” added Simon as he slowed to the speed limit.

“Without Talon? I thought they would be two peas in a perverted pod.” Vi’s expression indicated unsurprising disapproval.

“Talon may be a crafty predator, but he is no investment genius,” explained the Saint as they continued on the darkened two-lane blacktop, “I’ll bet you his bottom dollar that when he decided he wanted a piece of Uncle Elmo’s action, he went to Rasnec without even knowing him. Rasnec isn’t a criminal lawyer, he’s an investment attorney. He invests his own money as well as others’. He likes to be a player. Chesters makes perfect sense for Rasnec — he finances a cheap thrill joint in an underdeveloped area like Woodinville and funnels the profits into land purchases. Look at it — wooded acres, no industry, no retail, a few houses. Someday it will be another populated extension of the Bellevue/Kirkland Metropolitan Area with fast food franchises, factory outlets, and high-priced housing developments. Rasnec, seeing the future, would be buying it up with every penny of profit from the world of exotic dance. Five years from now, when all this is strip-malls and condominiums, the main street will be named ‘Rasnec’ in honor of the town’s primary benefactor and most respected investor.”

“Hmmm, I doubt Talon is as futuristic in his motivations,” said Vi, “but if you’re right, Rasnec probably saw ownership of Uncle Elmo’s as not only a prudent downtown investment, but as another source of talented performers for Chesters.”

“Advance to the head of the class, Viola. Elmo’s daytime nieces may be grinding away back there for table tips at this very minute.”

“And if it’s true that Talon didn’t arrange Uncle Elmo’s death,” Vi enjoyed playing Ms Deduction, “the mob who put Elmo in his grave would tread more lightly around a Seattle Detective. They might even slip him cash, if he were open to it.”

The tall trees and occasional clouds obscured the moonlight. Simon turned on the BMW’s high beams.

“It’s possible,” agreed the Saint, “A little corruption goes a long way.”

“I hope it takes him all the way to hell,” insisted Vi.

The were both silent for a time, and the dark road seemed to unravel forever. Vi hoped the Saint knew where he was going. She turned and stared at him, which was something she enjoyed doing. He didn’t seem to notice, or if he did, he didn’t mind. Despite his age, he appeared timeless. There was still the same heroic swiftness of line about his features, and the same dancing devil of mischief in his clear blue eyes that she either remembered from her childhood or memorized from magazines.

The Saint tossed back his head and laughed aloud. Vi, assuming that he was laughing because she was staring, begged his forgiveness.

“No, no,” objected Simon good naturedly, “the day women stop staring is the day I refuse to go out in public.”

Vi eyed him playfully for a moment before posing a perfectly reasonable question.

“Why do you still do it? Being the Saint, I mean.”

A reckless smile glided across his lips and his chin tilted up in youthful impertinence.

“Because I refuse to grow up and settle down,” stated the Saint proudly. “I’ve certainly matured, but I promised myself at an early age that I would never resign myself to life without adventure. I vowed to keep crashing about, raising hell, righting wrongs, rescuing damsels in distress, and biffing the ungodly on the beezer for as long as I could. Besides,” the Saint added for additional justification, “it’s good for the complexion.”

Simon slowed the BMW as they rounded the curve into what would be the center of Duvall if Duvall had a center.

“Then again,” continued the Saint, “I’ve always asserted that I was a genius, and to prove it, I promised to quit while I was ahead.”

She reached over and squeezed his arm. His bicep was rock solid.

“The public thinks the notorious Saint retired years ago, Mr Templar,” said Vi affectionately.

“It was a mild intention never fully realized,” admitted the Saint cheerfully, “Maybe I felt something remained undone. When I was young and brash all I wanted from life was adventure, and adventure became life itself. But Viola my sweet, adventure, more than anything, is an attitude of mind. In other words, it’s not what you do, it’s the manner in which you do it.”

“As the actress said to the Bishop?”

The Saint laughed and Duvall’s one streetlight cast refracted rays through the lightly fogged window bathing Simon’s profile in an aura of white.

“If there were no Saint, I imagine we would have to invent one just to keep us on our toes,” said Vi sweetly. “But really, Simon, when you’ve swashed your last buckle, who in the world could take your place?”

Simon’s bright sapphire eyes focused far away on some private, personal vision.

“The spoiled child of a wild tempestuous destiny,” stated the Saint, “who wants to have all the fun in the world. As for me, when that time comes, I shall recline in literary repose on a sun-drenched beach and write my memoirs.”

She had her answer; the Saint dimmed the headlights and eased slowly into the dirt and rock parking lot of a closed country cafe called The Silver Spoon.

“Are you lost?” asked Vi, somewhat concerned.

“Of course not,” snapped Simon playfully, “and if I was do you think I would stop for directions at an empty restaurant?”

Simon turned off the ignition and reached down for Viola’s purse.

“I need to retrieve something from you, if you don’t mind. A deadly weapon, as a matter of fact.”

Simon pulled Snookum’s small revolver out of Vi’s bag. The Saint heard her gasp.

“How long has that been in there?” Vi sounded like a scolding schoolmarm.

“Oh, since just before I ran off to burgle Emerald City Catering,” responded Simon, “You can’t make big bangs without one of these, you know.”

“Do you plan on shooting somebody for real?” Vi asked it as if worried that pumping people full of lead was not situation specific appropriate behavior.

“Not if I can help it,” said Simon, “the police always want to investigate those things, and corpses are so inconvenient.”

Vi looked around dimly lit Duvall as if expecting the aforementioned corpses to suddenly appear.

“There’s nothing here except this cafe and a few little shops across the street,” she said, pointing at a small clustering of outlets including The Handmade Blade Arts and Crafts Center and The Child’s Balloon Gift Shoppe. “You plan on shooting your way past the decoupage for a climax by the wrapping paper?”

Simon finished double checking the gun and slid it into his back waistband.

“We’re not far from Brine Time, and we’re equally close to Mr Alisdare’s private lair,” explained the Saint coolly, “I’ve known dear Salvadore’s domicile ever since I lifted his wallet back at Nikko’s. In fact, I believe Snookums had every intention of bringing me here earlier, although I wasn’t particularly receptive at the time. Let’s just say I am arriving fashionably late and hopefully unannounced.”

Simon took the black book from Vi, thumbed through it, and ripped out a page. He also removed one unpleasant negative from Alisdare’s collection, kept the plastic bag in which they were contained, and activated the inside trunk release. He stepped out of the car and motioned Vi to do the same. The Duvall air was chilled and moist with the scent of trees. Vi seemed more to fall out of the passenger side than exit gracefully.

“If you think you’re stuffing me in the trunk, you’re certainly mistaken.”

She stood in the damp darkness, her arms folded, her demeanor straining to retain its air of competent professionalism.

“The thought never crossed my mind,” admitted the Saint, and he placed some items lifted from Alisdare’s safe into the trunk, retained others, handed Vi the keys, and provided carefully worded instructions regarding the balance of the evening’s agenda.

A few minutes later, the black BMW slowed to a stop along a single lane road off what passed for the main Duvall highway. Had anyone been watching, they would have seen nothing. The car regained speed and disappeared into the dark. So did the Saint, but he was not in the car.

Simon Templar had every intention of walking up to Alisdare’s front door and ringing the bell, but not before ascertaining a thorough understanding of the property’s features, structures, and hazards. In crime parlance, he cased the joint.

The wooded property was at least three acres. Set back at significant distance from the secondary road was an older house and two minor secondary structures. One was steel, the other was a nondescript wood shed, both were newer than the house and looked distinctly utilitarian. The shed, surrounded by shrubbery, was not noticeable from the entry road. A miniscule border of light seeped through one small rectangular window.

For anyone to sneak up on the building without stumbling over tree roots, especially in the dark, would be next to impossible. For the Saint, next to impossible was the stuff of his legend. He slithered through the darkness in self-assured silence and positioned himself directly beneath the window. He could hear voices, none of which were familiar, discussing one of his least favorite subjects — chemistry.

“The HCL salt is odorless, colorless, and bitter-tasting and it forms needle-shaped crystals in ethanol,” remarked one fellow to another, “Highly water soluble. Less soluble in ethanol. Only very slightly soluble in acetone, toluene, or MEK, more if solvent is hot. Insoluble in ethyl ether.”

“Yeah,” acknowledged a deeper voice with a world-weary tone, “Methamphetamine freebase is a very pale yellow oil, foul tasting as hell, and alkaline enough to irritate the lungs. We’re probably smart to use toluene — less of a fire hazard.”

The Saint, despite a relative ignorance of chemistry, understood that the men were not discussing pickle processing.

He slipped away with the noiseless precision of a military commando and approached the main house from the back side. He could see the outline of three vehicles in a flattened clearing — a 4X4 elevated by absurdly enormous tires, a nondescript medium sized two-door import, and a Volvo wagon. Simon shot a pinpoint shaft of light from the black flashlight to the wagon’s passenger side and a red stick figure’s halo winked back at him.

So precise and noiseless were his footsteps than neither leaf nor twig knew of his existence. He moved up along side the Volvo, peered in, and steeled himself for the possibility of bloodstains.

There was no blood, only crumpled wrappers from peanut butter cups. The Saint surveyed the two story house. It was an older Duvall construction with large front porch, a smaller one in back, and a daylight basement. An open shed off to the side contained a wheel barrow, rakes, a cord or two of wood, an axe, and sundry related items. Stretched out on the ground was an extension ladder, the type painters use. Simon considered it for a moment, judged the distance between the ground and second floor window, and decided to leave the ladder untouched.

He crept around the side of the house, his ears straining to catch every sound. Positioned directly under the main floor window, the Saint stole a peek inside and saw Salvadore Alisdare preening in front of a mirror. Out of his suit and into faded denim pants and wide lapeled lavender shirt, he looked like an overdressed duck.

The Saint continued around to the anterior porch, paused to assure himself that he looked his best, and strode up the five steps to the front door with all the affirmative confidence of an old-fashioned bible salesman.

With a smile on his face and every muscle at the ready, Simon Templar rapped a playful rhythm on the door.

There was a moment of predictable trepidation, for the Saint seriously considered the possibility that he could be gunned down there and then. He dismissed the idea, and not entirely by his traditional justification that such an ignominious demise was not in keeping with destiny. If Snookums had been sent to retrieve him, Simon’s appearance on Alisdare’s doorstep may be a surprise to the domicile’s inhabitants but one they were at least partially prepared to deal with.

Salvadore Alisdare casually pulled open the front door as if anticipating visitors, but from the look in his face, he was obviously not anticipating the Saint.

“Sorry to bother you at home, old fruit,” began the Simon with characteristic charisma and unflappable effrontery, “but I seem to have misplaced two young men and an ugly station wagon.”

4

The Saint strode directly into the room, shut the door behind him and turned the deadbolt before the slack-jawed Alisdare could find his voice-box.

“Now, as the wagon is outside I assume the boys are inside. Would you mind fetching them for me?”

Alisdare’s ears resembled two hot-pink flames rising from the side of his head. Sweat ran in rivulets from his temples down the sides of his cheeks, and his little eyes blinked with astonishing rapidity.

“Mr Templar...,” Alisdare, torn between an imitation of courtesy and an outburst of anger, almost stumbled over his tongue, “this is...”

“A surprise, an honor, a day for celebration,” continued the Saint in his most absurd and irritating manner, “but we must wrap this up quickly as it’s getting late and we need our beauty sleep before we search for the Costello Treasure, don’t we Mr Alisdare?”

Salvadore’s eyes burned with an unnatural fire, and Simon knew its source was the shed behind the house.

“Yes, the treasure,” acknowledged Alisdare, and he struggled to regain his self-control. “Your young toughs are my honored guests. They are in no danger, I assure you. Please make yourself comfortable.” He gestured towards a modest yet comfortable living room ensemble, but Simon didn’t budge. “Please, we have much to discuss.”

“We can discuss how to get more loot from Dexter Talon, for one thing,” insisted the Saint with inflection tinged by criminal conspiratorial intentions.

“That’s the real treasure and I believe there’s enough for both a blackmailer and a pirate. I’m one, you’re the other.”

“So that’s your game,” said Alisdare with a sweaty smirk, “I thought...”

“Don’t think,” interrupted Simon roughly, “You don’t have the qualifications.” He began to jab his finger into the small man’s chest. “Talon told you I was on his side, but you knew that was probably bogus. But you wanted me out of town, out of the game, because you couldn’t take the chance that I’d interfere. I loved the Costello Treasure story, I really did. I especially loved the ten thousand dollar cashier’s check. If you hadn’t come to me with that whopper I wouldn’t have seen the photos of little Buzzy until tomorrow morning.”

Salvadore turned several lighter shades of beige.

“I’ll cut to the chase, Mr SeaQue Salvage. The way I figure it, you’ve got Talon over a barrel and that barrel is full of cash — corrupt cash but cash none the less. Someone told you I’d fall for that Costello story faster than a boxer taking a dive. Even if I didn’t believe it, my curiosity would compel me to go along for the ride. Whoever it was, they were right, except I bumped my schedule ahead by fifteen hours and this has been a most educational evening.”

Alisdare, his piggy eyes wide as dish plates, instinctively and defensively took a step backward with each of Simon’s pokes.

“I’ve had bad beer with Detective Talon, met Arthur Rasnec and Diamond Tremayne, paid a little visit to Emerald City Catering,” continued the Saint with assertive bravado, “and brought back a few souvenirs.”

The Saint shoved the photo negative and the torn page from the little black book into the sweat-drenched weasel’s face.

“Look familiar?”

Alisdare wanted to throw up. He wished Simon Templar would simply vanish. His heart pounded ferociously and the room swirled around him. He put an arm out to steady himself, but there was nothing within reach. He began to list dangerously to one side, but Simon’s strong hand steadied him.

“You can’t drop dead on me, my little rodent,” cautioned Simon, “we have so much nefarious planning to do, so much wealth to confiscate, so many details to work out.”

“Please,” pleaded Alisdare weakly, “let me sit down.”

Simon plopped the plump lump of agitated flesh into an unpleasantly upholstered armchair and leaned over to squeeze Alisdare’s cheeks with his strong brown fingers.

“You have a meth lab cranking away out back and protection from a Seattle detective because he is under your thumb. He can’t have you busted ’cause you hold all the cards and all the photos. But I’ll tell you the one thing you have going for you that I really appreciate even more than your crisp, delicious pickles or your scrumptious lobster.”

Alisdare looked up into the Saint’s clear blue eyes for a hint of mercy and found only a dangerous mocking humor.

“You have the world by the tail. You really do.”

Simon’s voice was light and full of admiration while his grip was tight and unrelenting. The trembling blob in the armchair imagined the Saint must be a madman.

“You see, Salvadore ol’ pal, I despise Dexter Talon even more than I dislike you. He has nothing going for him except bad habits and part ownership of a sleazy arcade. But those habits and that arcade are earning him payoffs from the old enemies of Uncle Elmo. You remember dear old Elmo, don’t you? You must, because I found his name in your little book. You’ve managed to tap into the easiest flow of money in the criminal kingdom — extorting payoff money from a corrupt cop. The poor leech is just a conduit of cash. It builds up in his hands and then, after you insist, it moves on to you. So what if you toss ten grand at me, there must be five times that much just waiting to be snared.”

Alisdare nodded his head violently in affirmation.

“But you’re even more greedy than I am, Salvadore. You had to send your pickle-packing compatriot to get your check back. He failed of course, so he comes back with a gun. Where was your big beast going to take me if I had gone along with him?” The Saint wanted an answer and released just enough tension on Alisdare’s cheeks for him to squeeze out words through pursed lips.

“Here. He was going to bring you here. I wanted... I wanted to explain things to you, make you my partner, honest... the Costello story, you’re right about that... I figured you were tipped off when you and two of your gang took off for Uncle Elmo’s...” Alisdare, babbling foolishly, rambling and stumbling, hoped for an opportunity to make sense, to say something that would make the Saint go easy on him, “We’re two of a kind, you and me. We can work together, really we can. You’ll see.”

The Saint would have laughed out loud but he didn’t want to step out of character. He reached back and pulled Snookum’s gun from his waistband. Alisdare recoiled in fear.

“Give me your hand,” insisted the Saint, and Salvadore held up one weak wet hand.

Simon spun the gun around and slammed the butt into Alisdare’s reluctant grip.

“Take it,” Simon insisted.

He took it.

“Shoot me,” demanded the Saint, and the little man’s hand shook violently.

“Pull the trigger!” Simon slapped him across the face. “Pull the trigger!”

CLICK!

The gun was empty.

“Thank you,” said the Saint happily and thrust a pen into the gun’s barrel and lifted it out of Alisdare’s sticky palm. The tremulous blackmailer, immobilized by fear, watched as the dangerous buccaneer pulled a small plastic bag from his pocket and deposited the weapon inside.

“I had to shoot a few people tonight and your fingerprints on the murder weapon will be most convenient,” stated Simon with a straight face, “Even Talon won’t be able to get you off the hook.”

Under the circumstances, and despite the absurdity of the Saint’s assertion, Alisdare had no choice except to take Simon’s word for it.

“Now, let us agree between you and me, that we will have no more secrets,” intoned the Saint in the most silken of tones, “I’ll tell you right out that I’ve given my gang the contents of your safe. If you have Talon over a barrel, we have you. But I’m not on Talon’s side; I’m not on your side. I’m on my side. It just happens that my side is closer to you than it is to Talon. We both want what Talon’s got — money and plenty of it. And together, were going to get it and get it all at once.”

Alisdare squeaked out a question.

“All at once?”

“Simple, my little cucumber,” intoned Simon as if Alisdare was a complete idiot. “You are going to arrange one of your little meetings with Talon — a meeting of the minds. Tell him you want to negotiate an arrangement for your long term prospects together. He’ll fall for it. All you have to do is keep him busy in a neutral area, maybe by that little bistro on Madison, while I have my gang, including the about to be liberated ‘young toughs,’ ransack his hideaway in Madison Park.”

“But,” Alisdare began to object, but Simon cut him off with a glare.

“But that would kill your golden goose? Too bad. I’ll split the loot with you, fifty-fifty. Or maybe sixty-forty, depending on your degree of cooperation. You see, I’m only in town for a day or two so raiding the hen house instead of waiting for eggs doesn’t bother me a bit. You should just be happy I don’t kill you right here, right now. I could, you know. I’ve done that sort of thing before.”

Alisdare considered the Saint’s notorious reputation and Talon’s previous threats. He bought it.

“You do what I say and I won’t do a thing to harm you, your meth lab, or your pickle business,” growled the Saint, “Cross me in any way and I’ll smash you and everyone associated with you.”

Salvadore Alisdare wished he had never heard of the dangerous rogue who held him captive with nothing more than attitude and inflection. The same dashing gentleman who listened so patiently to the Costello Treasure story now intimidated him with wholesale threats and an awe-inspiring presence that gave even the unimaginative Alisdare images of india-rubber, freshly lubricated lightning, and high explosives. The little man was afraid, and nothing fuels hatred faster than fear. The Saint watched the animosity boiling in the whites of Alisdare’s eyes.

“You know, I get the feeling you don’t like me,” said Simon with a slight pout. “You don’t want your partner to feel unappreciated, do you?”

Alisdare, convinced that Simon was both deliberately dangerous and decidedly insane, did his best to humor him.

“No, no. I appreciate you, I really do. After all,” insisted Salvadore, “you are the famous Saint. Everyone knows you; everyone marvels...”

Simon cut the absurd flattery short.

“Enough!”

The Saint pulled Alisdare roughly out of the chair.

“We are not going to be the best of friends, but we will certainly pretend we are. Before you offer me your comraderie and fellowship, I suggest you reunite me with my youthful gang members. Then we will all sit down together for some delicious Brine Time pickles and discuss the limited financial future of Dexter Talon.”

Alisdare’s eyes darted nervously towards the back door.

“Oh, yes,” added the Saint, “when your chemistry class is dismissed and the kids come home from school, feel free to introduce me as your long-lost Auntie Ethanol. You can doubt me if you wish, but I assure you it will be fatal. Now, where are the boys?”

The little man wiped a sleeve across his dripping brow and raised his eyes.

“Upstairs.” The reply was without enthusiasm.

Simon threw a muscular arm around Alisdare’s hunched shoulders and squeezed him as if they were dear old pals.

“C’mon, let’s go liberate the youths, and don’t even think of pulling a fast one or tipping off your Bunsen-burner buddies. That one gun may be empty, but I’m a walking arsenal,” lied the Saint, “I’ve got more firepower on me than you can imagine.”

As Alisdare could imagine extensive firepower, he trembled in acquiescence as the two men traipsed up the curved stairway to the upper floor. Simon paused to offer a critical commentary on Alisdare’s choice of lime green shag carpet, but the words washed over Salvadore like sea water over the sunken Polaris. Lost beneath the waves, Alisdare was in no mood for interior design consultation.

Beneath the Saint’s surface, he was neither as buoyant as he behaved nor as malevolent as he appeared. Simon enjoyed being back in action, but that was his choice. Dan and Ian, however, were simply fans whose admiration and eagerness merited fellowship and an autograph, not kidnapping and captivity. He had blithely sent them on their way, entrusted with a few simple errands designed to give them an exaggerated feeling of adventurous involvement, never imagining he was consigning them to even the most minimal degree of danger.

The Saint had earlier categorized the night’s priorities. Now that Dan and Ian were located, the first task was to assure their freedom. Beyond such immediate concerns, there were other matters occupying Simon’s thought processes. He fully grasped the methods and motives of Alisdare and Talon, despite their mutual antagonism, but the exact roles of Diamond Tremayne and Arthur Rasnec remained enigmas. As mysteries go, she was the more captivating of the two. Simon trusted time, fate, and the gods of adventure would assure complete disclosure of Ms Tremayne and her Costello Treasure. As Diamond had manipulated Salvadore Alisdare into revealing himself to the Saint, she was obviously on Simon’s side. But the Saint knew from experience that sides can be characterized by slippery borders and abstract boundaries.

No less slippery was the diminutive Mr Alisdare who led the way upstairs with predictable reluctance and appreciable trepidation. The top of the stairs merged into a hard-wood hallway decorated by an antique floor radio and one struggling palm. The long languid plant leaned listlessly to one side, the dirt in its terracota pot caked from benign neglect.

“Really, Salvadore,” commented the Saint, “your green thumb seems to have deserted you.”

Alisdare stopped in his tracks, turned toward the plant and allowed his gaze to move bravely back to the Saint.

“It’s supposed to look like that,” snapped Salvadore acerbicly. With the remark still dripping from his lips, the little man suddenly bolted down the hall with an astonishing animated velocity. Simon, close behind, reached out one strong arm, grabbed the ferociously peddling fellow by the nape of neck, and lifted him off the ground. Despite an inability to achieve traction while suspended in space, Alisdare’s feet maintained their repetitive rapidity while his hands flailed furiously like a pair of flapping geese.

The Saint lifted and twisted Alisdare around until the agitated character faced him eye to eye. The struggling subsided and Alisdare seemed to resign himself once again to the Saint’s control. Simon eased him down until his toes skimmed the floor’s surface.

“Behave yourself or there will be no pickles for dessert.” The Saint’s tone was only moderately paternal. Alisdare, his lower lip vibrating, nodded penitently. Simon set him solidly on the ground, swiveled him around, and placed both his hands firmly on Salvadore’s shoulders.

“Lead the way, partner,” commanded the Saint.

There were doors on either side of the hall and one of them featured a small buzzer-like device with wires running up the outside frame and disappearing into the wall. The Saint had seen these before — electronic door releases operational only from the outside. Both the device and the wires were painted over in the same dull peach as the wall and door frame.

Salvadore shuffled towards the entry on his left with understandable resistance.

“Can’t we just leave them be while we talk this over?” asked Alisdare weakly. The Saint’s expression discouraged any continuation of that particular line of reasoning. Then, with the same speed with which he had bolted at the head of the stairs, Alisdare thrust out one short pudgy finger and pressed the button with such force that the tip of his finger blanched. It did not release the door, rather it unleashed a blaring electronic wail of piercing intensity rivaled only by Grand Theft’s encore at the Seattle Center. And all hell broke loose.

In retrospect, Simon acknowledged that Salvadore’s mad dash down the hall made perfect sense, as did his illusory penitent attitude. Having regained control of Alisdare, the Saint mistook trickery for temerity. His captive was dashing towards that very buzzer when apprehended. His goal, although momentarily delayed, was achieved. The electronic bleating which ensued the moment Alisdare pressed the button threw the previously silent house into an uproar. Alisdare, as unlikely a Gabriel to ever blow the trumpet of ungodly summons, sent a danger signal to the men in the shed and alerted any malefactors of which Simon was unaware.

The Saint tossed the little man aside as one would a stuffed toy and kicked in the door. It was a garish bedroom accented by metallic green wallpaper and black satin sheets. It was empty. Alisdare cackled in nervous laughter. Simon spun and faced the opposite door. As Simon lunged, Alisdare threw himself at the Saint’s knees. Perhaps Alisdare thought his grip and weight could abort the Saint’s mission or negate the explosion of power in Simon’s legs. If such were his intentions, they were ill founded. Rather, it was more as if Alisdare had locked his arms around a rocket at the moment of lift-off. The Saint was airborne, his strong right shoulder impacting the solid wood door with sufficient force to rip out the striker plate and tear the door frame asunder. Alisdare, like the tail of a cat, was along for a short but eventful ride which culminated in painful collision — first with the floor and then with the sole of Simon’s shoe. The later did not impact Alisdare’s forehead entirely by accident.

The Saint was on his feet in an instant while Salvadore, disoriented as much from the chemicals in his system as from his sudden burst of stressful exercise, had difficulty scrambling as far as all fours. It took only a micro-second for Simon to realize that this room was also without guests. The Saint, as much as he hated admitting it, had been momentarily outwitted by a consummate scoundrel. Simon quickly delineated his immediate options and listed them as limited. A headfirst dive through the second floor window was the next best thing to suicide, and the Saint did not come here to die. There was no advantage in escape without the boys, nor was there success to his visit unless he could exercise significant influence over Alisdare. If the recipients of Salvadore’s summons were no better blessed in physique and agility than their master, it was still possible for Simon to gain the upper hand. An immediate assault upon Alisdare’s arriving reinforcements was a risky venture, but the Saint’s colorful career could be characterized as a succession of such ventures, each proportionately speculative and uniformly hazardous.

The Saint swiftly sidestepped Alisdare, moving back out into the hall, and saw the first human obstacle to his situational ascendency — a scrawny, hollow-cheeked individual, less than five foot ten inches tall, with a total estimated weight of one hundred fifty seven pounds — taking the stairs two at a time in manifest earnestness. When the Saint burst into view, the gangly thug stumbled to a mid-stair stop and spun his right hand up to fire the sleek, silver television remote control clutched in his grip. The aforementioned spin came to an abrupt halt when he realized the impotence of his armament and blurted out an embarrassing caveat.

“I forgot my gun!”

“Tough noodles, Toodles,” commented the Saint dispassionately.

Toodles was not the stringy fellow’s given name, but as he and Simon were alone on the stairs, he knew it was to him that the Saint spoke. In a reflex action as absurd as it was ineffectual, Toodles’ thumb desperately depressed one of the remote’s buttons. The Saint did not pause, rather he pounced with the power of a compressed steel spring suddenly released.

Had a photograph been taken at the earliest moment of this eventful encounter, it would reveal only an absurdly handsome modern-day pirate conversing with a wide-eyed, slack-jawed imbecile. Even the most advanced techniques would fail to capture the emotional impact on the gunless gunsel who noticed neither the precision tailoring of the Saint’s wardrobe nor the finer aspects of Simon Templar’s personal grooming. Either because he was scared as hell, or perhaps because he nurtured the mistaken assumption that the personification of danger at the top of the stairs would wait for him while he went back for his revolver, the ungodly’s vanguard turned his back. It was this same back, neither wide nor muscular, which immediately experienced an unpleasant impact mid-center, propelling him in a flailing arc of descent interrupted only by a momentarily painful collision with the wall. The Saint’s own descent was equally rapid, and Simon was already in Alisdare’s living room while his proposed opponent, a tangle of limbs on the landing, cried shamelessly over a sprained ankle.

Alisdare, having regained his two-footed stance if not his composure, began issuing abrasive orders from the second floor hall.

“Capture the Saint!” yelped Salvadore, but his disheveled accomplice was both unenthusiastic concerning the concept and decidedly unworthy of the task.

As for the Saint, he knew the henchman could only have arrived so quickly if he had been somewhere in the house to begin with. As he had not appeared during Simon’s earlier boisterous conversation with Alisdare, he must have been completely distracted one floor below.

Simon’s immediate survey of his surroundings revealed nothing surprising about the architecture or layout of Alisdare’s home. Traditionally, American domiciles of that era featured daylight basements accessible by stairwell located near the back door and adjacent to the kitchen. Already sprinting in that direction, Simon could see through the kitchen towards the back door and predict with a fair approximation of accuracy the exact location of the aforementioned stairwell.

Three sets of keys gleamed on the kitchen counter and another rested atop a hall table. The math was easy — three cars in back, one in front. It was quite possible that Dan and Ian had been hustled in via the back door and promptly ensconced underground. Alisdare, Simon noted to himself, violated the conventional thriller protocol which requires villains to hold prisoners above the first floor unless the house is situated atop a seething whirlpool, cavernous labyrinth, or boiling pit of molten lava.

The Saint scooped up the keys from the hall table, grabbed the other sets as he crossed into the kitchen, and stuffed them into his pockets. The door to the basement was ajar and Simon propelled himself down with one agile leap, landing with uninterrupted strides upon gold shag carpet in Alisdare’s subterranean party room while his affronted host continued berating his semi-crippled lackey into limping, lukewarm pursuit.

Simon immediately discovered Dan and Ian gagged with duct tape and amateurishly secured by bungy cords to two black metal chairs set several feet apart in front of a console television. On screen was an inventive escape of interpersonal cross-gender indulgence never previewed by any legitimate ratings board; resting atop the TV was the object forgotten by the injured henchman in his hurried response to Alisdare’s summons — a snub-nose .38 revolver.

Thrilled at seeing their knightly hero drop into the midst of their dilemma as if descending from heaven, Dan and Ian began straining furiously against their bonds, grunting out muffled cries behind taut tape.

“So much for being a captive audience,” remarked the Saint, his voice resonating with victorious promise, “you’re watching too much television and not getting enough exercise.”

Simon grabbed the .38 in one deft move and swiftly unsnapped the absurd restraints. Dan and Ian sprung from their chairs, ripping away the tape from their lips.

Thundering footsteps and husky voices signaled that reinforcements from the shed were soon to be upon them, and the quietude of Duvall’s pastoral serenity was already pierced by Alisdare’s shrill commands and anguished expletives.

“Lock ’em in,” ordered Salvadore breathlessly from above, “slam that damn door!”

If the Saint harbored any concerns regarding his young fans’ response to the reality of being engulfed in a maelstrom of life-threatening mayhem, they were discarded with the same rapidity with which Daniel and Ian sent their chairs crashing through the basement’s windows.

“They’ll trap us down here!” exclaimed Daniel. His remark was more explanation and instruction than observation, but the Saint was already several mental steps ahead of him. Simon tossed a handful of keys to the wide-eyed Ian as the young men scrambled atop a teetering video cabinet to kick out the chards blocking their potential egress, grabbed a bungy cord, and headed back up the stairs.

The first human shadow cast on the stairwell wall jumped back in panic when the Saint’s purloined .38 spat flame and a high-velocity slug slammed into the kitchen wall. Simon heard swearing and cries of warning echoing in the reverberation of his gunfire. He took the stairs in two leaps, slid the metal hook of the bungee cord around the thin stem of the old-fashioned brass door knob, and jumped back down to fasten the opposite end of the tightly stretched high-tension cord to the metal bracket at the bottom of the stair’s railing. Keeping the basement door from closing provided more opportunity than danger. He knew Alisdare would send thugs back outside the moment he realized his captives were scrambling out into the dark, but no one in his right mind would dare risk the impact of hot lead by descending the stairs or lingering in the doorway long enough to discover the reason for the door’s inexplicable reluctance to achieve closure.

No one said Salvadore Alisdare was in his right mind.

“Shut that damn door, Milo,” he insisted, and Milo the Gimp reached out, grabbed the handle, and attempted slamming the basement door. The resultant increased tension on the bungy cord, amplified in its resistance at the point of near closure, was more than Milo could control.

Had Milo insisted on retaining his grip, he would have been pulled off his one good foot and sent face first into the gold shag carpet several feet below. The handle, however, jerked from his sweaty hand and the door swung back open with a bang. Aggravated, and unaware of the bungy cord, Alisdare took angry control of the effort, pulling furiously at the recalcitrant introgression at the same moment that Dan and Ian crawled out the basement window.

The Saint was directly behind them atop the unsteady cabinet when he heard Alisdare tugging and swearing, his plump shadow elongated and animated on the stairwell wall. Before Simon pulled himself through the jagged exit, he fired one well-aimed parting shot. The bullet smashed into the railing bracket exactly where the Saint intended. Although Simon couldn’t see the predictable result, his imagination provided appropriate mental illustrations to accompany the cacophony created by Alisdare’s rear-first crash into the accessory closet of brooms, dustpans, detergents, and an exceptionally noisy ironing board. One of Salvadore’s shed-dwelling auxiliary immediately retaliated by firing two slugs from a .45 through the basement door, but they served only to alert the Saint that there was more to dodge than scrawny Ungodly and unlicensed chemists.

Outside in the dark, Dan and Ian raced towards the Volvo wagon as two shadowy forms exploded out the back door and attempted interception. Alisdare was immediately behind them, waving his arms wildly and screeching like an agitated parrot.

“Stop them, stop them all!”

Had a professional football scout been in attendance, the boys’ abilities to deftly elude their pursuers would have earned them lucrative offers from several major league teams. The thugs, unimpressed by such agility, resorted to weaponry. A shotgun blast of blue fire racked the darkness and the left rear window of the Saintmobile shattered in crystalline fragments.

Ian dove in the dirt, seeking cover by crawling under the station wagon, while Daniel threw himself behind a tree. The Saint, moving at full speed, pulled the .38’s trigger while his adversary’s first shot was still vibrating his tympanum. The shadow behind the shotgun screamed, his right arm pierced by the invading projectile, and fell backward as his smoking weapon vanished behind him in the brush.

“Don’t kill them!” screamed Alisdare, but as Simon was unsure to whom the entreaty was addressed, he ignored it. So did the second assailant who, perhaps more motivated by self-defense than a desire to halt the trio’s progress, fired three wild rounds in rapid succession. Two bullets screamed into the dirt by Simon’s heels, and the third sent bark splintering from the tree behind which Daniel hid. Ian, still stretched out under the Volvo, clasped his hands over his ears and prayed for deliverance.

The Saint vaulted in the brush, grabbed Daniel by the shoulder, and threw him behind the Volvo’s right side before the ungodly could fire another round. With Ian under the car, and Simon and Dan behind it, they were either on the verge of entrapment or escape.

Simon thrust a strong arm beneath the auto’s chassis and gripped Ian by the sleeve, dragging him hurriedly from under the vehicle.

“The keys!” insisted Simon, and Ian fumbled out an indistinguishable handful. The Saint pulled open the passenger door and the dome light splashed illumination, alerting the ungodly as to their exact location. Simon dove into the front seat as fresh round from the .45 blasted through the windshield and slammed into the Volvo’s headrest.

“Damn!” exclaimed Ian, and he suddenly bolted from cover.

Intermittent lunar luminance and the yellow 100 watt bulb above Alisadare’s back porch streaked through an atmosphere of gun smoke and outcries. The wounded assailant’s moans merging with the oaths and expletives uttered by his unsavory compatriots convinced the local crickets and bullfrogs to keep their croaks to themselves and their hind legs immobile. A new element entered the auditory mix — an angry outburst of taunt and derision from a short young man with sheep-dog hair. It was Ian, loudly shouting crude and creative insults as he dashed out of the clearing in a daring desperate and unexpectedly heroic act of effective distraction. All manic movement and furious noise, he leaped stump to shrub, weaving erratically towards the stacked cord wood on the other side of the vehicles.

“Get the little bastard!” ordered Alisdare, scurrying down the back steps as if moving three feet closer to the action would somehow increase his odds of success.

Milo hobbled stupidly in Ian’s general direction while the shadow with the .45 automatic instinctively swung his sloppy aim away from the Volvo.

The fuel injected pride of Sweden burst to life with a horrendous roar, a blaze of headlights, and the clamor of inadequate tread on loose gravel. The Saint was behind the wheel, in control, and ramming the accelerator to the floor.

“Hang on, kiddo,” advised Simon, and Daniel’s fingers dug into the brown plastic dash as the right passenger door banged back on its hinges.

The Saint rode the clutch and manipulated the shift knob with gear grinding abandon. Now, for the first time, he could clearly see every detail of the night’s madness — Alisdare yapping and scuttling like an inbred Pomeranian, Milo limping about aimlessly, a lump of humanity adorned by bedraggled beard and bib overalls clutching a blood soaked arm, and what could only be described as a generic skinhead from central casting wielding a .45 doing his best to corner the wild and wily Ian.

Simon pulled hard on the steering wheel, gunned the engine, and spun the Volvo to create more chaos and increase the dust factor. Skinhead turned from Ian and angrily let loose another burst of gunfire at the Saint. The shot blew away the black AM radio antenna, sending it ricocheting off the luggage rack.

“The radio didn’t work good anyway,” commented Daniel conversationally, and the Saint knew he was in good company. Simon aimed the Volvo’s brights directly at the armed man who could not decide between pursuing Ian or taking another shot at the Saint. His indecision was his undoing. As he turned his eyes away from the Saintmobile’s headlights, the wrong end of a ladder banged him directly across the bridge of his nose. On the other end of the ladder, swinging it like a mighty staff, was Ian.

“Eat wood, scumbag,” he shouted, and whacked the blinded skinhead resolutely alongside his hairless noggin. The thug’s fingers jerked in painful reflex, blasting the last round in his clip through the toe of his boot. He thudded to the ground in disoriented agony, yelling and kicking his smoking foot in the air.

Simon leaned on the horn; Ian tossed aside the ladder and began his dash for the open passenger door. To the Saint’s surprise, Ian skid to a stop and turned back as if remembering an important errand.

“What’s he doing now?” asked the Saint in obvious wonderment.

“He gets like this sometimes,” answered Daniel, doing his best to sound nonchalant despite the pounding of his heart, “I think it’s an unresolved anger issue.”

Ian raced back to the woodpile, grabbed the hatchet, and began swinging it above his head while unleashing a torrid stream of unseemly obscenities at Salvadore Alisdare. The hatchet was accordingly launched as a sharp-edged exclamatory punctuation, smashing into the light bulb over Alisdare’s head and imbedding itself point-first above the porch.

The last tiny flecks of shattered filament drifted downward as Ian raced to the Volvo. The Saint was already shifting gears and positioning the vehicle for an unobstructed route out the front drive. The swing of headlights when the Saint threw the Volvo into reverse revealed Alisdare on all fours searching for the lost shotgun, two thugs on the ground commiserating over their mutual discomfort, but no Milo. Simon was not actively concerned about the gimp’s whereabouts until Ian and the limping lacky appeared simultaneously at the open passenger door.

For an instant, the Saint almost expected Milo to repent of his past misdeeds and request a ride as far away from Duvall as the Saintmobile could carry him. Instead, Milo grabbed Ian by the throat.

The Saint retrieved the .38 from his lap, but Dan was between Simon and Milo, as was the strangled and struggling Ian. Daniel instantly grasped the situation’s logistical complexities. And that, as they say, was that. Less than five seconds later Ian was gulping air in the front passenger seat; Milo, minus two of his yellow rat-like teeth, was flat on his back in the dirt, and Dan sat in the back seat massaging his sore knuckles.

“I couldn’t have knocked him colder myself,” admitted the Saint, and Dan didn’t bother to suppress a smile of adventurous pride.

The Volvo spat dirt and gravel from its back wheels as Simon gunned it from the clearing to the front drive. It was a long, one lane blacktop, and they were up to 40mph as they took off for the exit.

“Who were those guys?” asked Ian weakly, “I mean they really ticked me off big time.”

The Saint was incredulous.

“You mean you don’t know that was the SeaQue Salvage liar I told you about?”

“Oh, your Costello Treasure buddy,” exclaimed Daniel. “Nah, they never explained anything. They just kidnapped us, blindfolded us, brought us here, and the little guy asked us stupid questions.”

“The nut kept demanding information about our gang,” Ian added derisively, “and he carried on about talons, diamonds, and somebody named Buzzy.”

“Then ratface made us watch dirty movies.”

“The first one was the better of the two,” clarified Ian needlessly, “at least it had a plot.”

Nearing the intersection of Alisdare’s private lane and the secondary road, a set of headlights suddenly blazed in the distance.

“Who’s that?” gasped Ian, pointing at the two bright bulbs growing bigger and brighter, filling their windshield.

“Maybe it’s a bus load of movie critics coming to offer second opinions,” muttered the Saint.

The oncoming vehicle appeared to increase speed, bearing down on them with unrepentant intensity.

Ian gulped and griped the cloth upholstery; Dan brushed some shattered glass from the back seat and wondered what if his minimal insurance covered damage by gunfire. Moments from potential impact, the Saint discerned the oncoming car’s distinctive BMW emblem, slammed on the brakes, and twisted the steering wheel hard to the left. The BMW took the opposite evasive action, and both cars screeched, skidded sideways, bounced backwards off the narrow lane, and came to temporary repose directly across from each other. Beam to beam, they faced each other.

“Is that the Berkman lady?” asked Ian hopefully.

“It shouldn’t be,” answered the Saint, “but it certainly looks that way.”

Simon fished the .22 in the plastic bag out of his jacket pocket and tossed it to Daniel in the back seat.

“Keep this safe for me.”

Dan and Ian shot each other looks of dismay, then stared at the Saint.

“Just because you’re out of the basement doesn’t mean I’m out of the woods,” explained Simon quickly. “Old pink-ears and I still have unfinished business, and you have time to complete the last item on your errand list.”

“Then what?” It was Daniel speaking, his tone even and unshaken.

“Then,” said the Saint optimistically, “we will glory in our romantic outlawry.”

“Personally,” commented Ian dryly, “I’d settle for a pepperoni pizza.”

“This is where I get out,” said Simon. He put the Volvo in neutral, switched the dome light switch to the off position, and left the engine running. “When I slam the door, go for it.”

The BMW driver door swung open, as did that of the Volvo. The Saint emerged with Milo’s .38 in his right hand. The piercing lights made discerning anyone behind the glare impossible for either party.

Ian spoke sotto-voce from the driver’s seat.

“Saint, where are we?”

“Duvall,” stated Simon softly “Turn right at the road, right at the end, left at the single light. Just drive. You’ll make it.”

The Saint strained his eyes against the dust and headlights. The only sounds were the BMW’s smooth murmur, the Volvo’s low rumble, and the distant voices of Alisdare and his incapacitated accomplices.

“Simon?” It was Viola’s voice behind the glare, tinged with tears and trembling. “Oh, God, Simon...” She was abruptly silenced by internal emotion or external pressure.

The Saint raised the .38, slammed the Volvo’s door, and moved into the light.

“Drop the gun, Templar.” It was Snookums who spoke, and his statement was an order, not a request.

The conversation suffered interruption when Ian shifted the station wagon into gear and gave it a rush of octane. As the boys peeled out, their headlights revealed three forms standing by the BMW’s drivers side. One was a woman, the other two were men. The larger of the two men held obvious dominion over his reluctant female companion.

Ian increased speed, swung out the driveway onto the secondary road, and disappeared into the night as a second set of headlights narrowly missed collision with the speeding Volvo and turned in on Alisdare’s road.

The Saint stood in stark relief against the dark Duvall night, his right hand holding the .38 at eye level, his left hand resting on his hip. The very blood in his veins seemed to freeze, and his bright sapphire eyes frosted with iced intensity.

The newly arrived vehicle slowed to a stop ten feet away and flicked on its high beams. Simon noticed, but did not divert his attention from Viola and her captors who now moved haltingly in front of the idling automobile.

Snookums held Viola roughly by the hair, the point of an authentic Stiletto pressed into the soft white of her throat. In the double illumination of the two cars, every detail burned into Simon’s consciousness — Viola’s nylons tattered and shredded, blouse torn to embarrassing exposure, lipstick smeared clownlike on her lips, mascara in tear streaks down her cheeks. Despite the distance between them, their eyes met in intimate communication. Her exterior may have been abused and violated, but her inner core remained defiantly her own. He knew what she expected of him, and he would not disappoint her.

“We’ve got the girl, Templar, give it up.”

“I’ve got the gun, Snookums, give her up,” countered the Saint, and his voice carried an inflection of perky unconcern.

“I could slit her throat in a heartbeat,” insisted the giant harshly.

“And you’d have a bullet in your empty head as a souvenir of the occasion,” explained the Saint as if delineating a basic scientific principle.

“He’s a remarkable shot, honest,” added Vi helpfully, tilting her throat back farther from the blade’s point.

“Shaddup!” demanded the giant, and he glared intently at the Saint.

The silence between them stretched with increased tension. At length, the Saint spoke. “Your turn,” prompted Simon, “Really, you must keep up your end of the conversation.”

“You expect too much of him, Simon,” added Vi bravely, “I was similarly disappointed...”

Chapter 4

How Duvall Became Illuminated, and Milo was Unforgiving.

1

The beast tightly twisted her hair, and she clenched her teeth to keep from screaming.

The Saint heard a car door slam to his right, and his peripheral vision glimpsed another bulky skinhead lean against a late model fender. A scurry of small footsteps on blacktop indicated Alisdare, breathless and agitated, was coming down the drive. By now, Simon reasoned, Salvadore had either found the shotgun or reloaded the .45.

“Tell you what, Snookums,” offered Simon generously, “I’ll make you a trade — your life for the lady. Either that or I shoot all three of you and be done with it. Personally, I would opt for the latter, but multiple bodies are so hard to explain to the authorities now days, and what with the rising costs of iron clad alibis...”

“Enough!” It was Alisdare, dripping with perspiration and leveling a re-loaded shotgun. “What’s going on here?”

The little man’s piggy eyes bounced back and forth between the captive Viola and the armed Saint.

“This young lady is obviously taking her gorilla out for an airing,” answered Simon, squinting dramatically down the sight of the .38, “apparently unaware of the bounty on exceptionally ugly gorillas.”

Alisdare stared at Viola, studied her face, and understood the unsavory implications of her disarray.

“What the hell have you done to this woman?”

“Nothin’, honest,” objected Snookums, “I didn’t do nothin’ like it looks. She’s that Berkman dame, the one with the street kids, we found her hangin’ around the edge of the property. It’s just that she fought like a tiger when we grabbed her.”

Alisdare turned to the two overweight back-ups.They each nodded uncomfortable confirmation.

“Put away the knife, stupid,” Alisdare ordered and the giant reluctantly complied.

The sweat-drenched oligarch pointed the shotgun directly at Simon’s head and cocked the hammers. Simon’s finger increased tension on the .38’s trigger.

“We can stand here like this all night if you like,” murmured Simon. He glanced down the long barrel of Alisdare’s weapon into the eye’s of drug-fueled madness and delusions of grandeur.

“I could call the Sheriff and report those boys of yours as intruders and vandals, you know,” insisted Salvadore, prodding the twin barrels at the Saint’s face. “I could have them arrested and prosecuted for trespassing. I’m a respected businessman around here. People trust me.”

As Alisdare believed himself to be absolutely inerrant, Simon felt it best under the circumstances not to contradict him.

“Of course people trust you. Who can blame them? You can also trust me to fire every last round in this 38 before you figure out how to take the safety off that shotgun.”

Alisdare’s eyes immediately locked on the stock, searching for the safety release. His attention thus diverted, Simon’s left hand soared suddenly from his hip and snatched the weapon from Salvadore’s pudgy hands.

“Thank you,” said the Saint graciously, and he deftly allowed two shotgun shells to drop in the dirt before handing the empty weapon back to his astonished would-be captor. “We all feel much safer now.”

Vi, delighted at the sudden turn of events, dashed to his side.

“Let’s get out of here, Saint,” Vi was pulling at his sleeve, prompting him to enter the BMW.

“We’re not going anywhere,” said Simon, and his emphatic inflection surprised her. “No, we’re not going anywhere at all. You see, Mr Alisdare and I still have unfinished business regarding your pal Talon.” The Saint turned his attention and the .38 towards Salvadore, “Isn’t that right, partner?”

Alisdare’s vocal cords felt akin to stale beef jerky, but he managed to rasp out a rough affirmative response and contort his mouth in an abstract interpretation of a conciliatory smile.

The Saint stepped back slightly and considered the situation’s dynamics. Alisdare sweated on his left, Snookums and an unnamed accomplice stood silhouetted in front of him, and the fourth man leaned lazily against his car’s fender attempting to appear invisible. Milo and the two injured thugs were nowhere in sight.

“I have a wonderful suggestion,” offered the Saint happily, “In fact, its a brilliant suggestion. Let’s all go back to the house and have a cup of hot cocoa.”

“I beg your pardon?” Alisdare was incredulous.

“Simon...” Vi spoke his name out of reflex and nothing more.

The Saint spun the .38 as would a cowboy hero and smiled broadly at the confused assemblage.

“Here we are, a delightful group of adults with similar concerns. Why should we terrorize each other in the moonlight when we can consult comfortably back at the house?”

Simon tossed the question out to the group as if they were top-level executives at a respectable board meeting.

“Do I hear a second to the motion?” Simon stopped spinning the gun and leveled it at Alisdare.

“You have a point, Mr Templar,” acknowledged Salvadore reluctantly. He shook his impotent shotgun. “Besides, for the moment you seem to have more power of persuasion.”

The Saint walked over to Alisdare, threw his left arm around the little man’s shoulders, and gave him an affectionate squeeze while poking the revolver into his ribs.

“I knew we could all get along,” said Simon victoriously, “Now, let’s toodle over to the enclave and swap motivations, shall we?”

Salvadore squirmed his poochie tummy away from the .38.

“Can’t we dispense with this gun business?” asked Alisdare nervously. In a worthless gesture, he tossed the empty shotgun to the ground.

The Saint, still hugging his duck-like prisoner, loosed a joyous laugh and turned to the bedraggled Viola.

“Whatcha say, Vi? Shall we let bygones be bygones, mend fences, forget the past, bury the hatchet, embrace these malcontents as if they were our dearest friends?”

Vi blinked against the glare of her BMW’s headlights. She had no idea what Simon was up to.

“Very well,” pronounced the Saint, and he suddenly tossed the .38 over Vi’s head towards the fender-warming skinhead. There was a collective gasp of disbelief as all eyes followed the weapon’s tumbling mid-air arc and precision descent into the silent thug’s outstretched hand.

“Nice catch,” Simon commented appreciatively, “given an opportunity, you could have been major league instead of minor character.”

Vi Berkman bit her lip and all but burst into tears. Had she caught the gun, she would have been tempted to shoot Simon herself.

“Come now, Salvadore,” prompted the Saint as he pulled Alisdare towards the BMW, “I’ll drive you and the bedraggled damsel back to the house in Germanic luxury; Snookums and the crew can ride with Mr Major League. Of course, you’ll explain to Milo and the boys that a cease fire is in effect.”

With the Saint unarmed, Snookums and the beefy henchmen glanced at each other in confusion. Alisdare, equally caught off-guard by the Saint’s sudden discarding of the .38, had yet to make response. Vi, however, immediately headed for the passenger door. The giant temporarily blocked her way, but as he was incapable of independent thought in the presence of Salvadore Alisdare, she brushed him aside, entered the idling auto’s back seat and began reaching for her purse.

Snookums, although slow to respond, had painful memories of her purse’s more acerbic contents. Prompted by the recollection, he yanked the door open behind her and clasped his strong grip on her thin wrist.

“Not so fast, lady.”

Vi considered struggling, but she was as familiar with futility as Snookums was with the contents of her canister.

“I’ll ride here,” announced the beast, and he managed to fold himself into the backseat’s confines.

When Simon and Salvadore approached the vehicles’s front, Alisdare separated himself from the Saint and directed the remaining men to take the other car.

Major League spun the .38’s cylinder and uttered his first line of dialog — an elongated expletive of one sylable stretched to imply several, followed by the disclosure that Simon Templar, alias the Saint, had held them at bay with an empty revolver.

“Oh, you finally noticed,” chirped Simon, “I guess we’re all about as disarmed as we can be, except for the .45 under Salvadore’s shirt.”

Alisdare was fumbling for the automatic even as Simon spoke, but the Saint slid behind the wheel with charactistic self-assurance.

“Put that away before you hurt yourself,” advised Simon, “Get in and sit down.”

Viola Berkman, through a veil of tears, saw Salvadore Alisdare do exactly that. The BMW’s dome light remained on as Alisdare entered, and when she looked desperately at the Saint, his smile was the one reassuringly resplendent ray of sunshine in what was for her a most dark and depressing situation.

The way Vi Berkman tells it, Simon Templar’s performance that evening was nothing short of astounding. It was not, however, a performance. Simon Templar was simply being the Saint — maddeningly mischevious, mercurially manipulative, and ultimately heroic.

He remained disconcertingly untroubled during the brief transport back to Alisdare’s domicile. Even the obligatory shoves by Snookums on the way into the house didn’t phase him. Arraigned before his unsavory host, there was nothing but mocking laughter in those clear blue eyes and hell-for-leather delight in his radiant countenance. Despite recent forays into rough and tumble fisticuffs, his clothing appeared as fresh and unruffled as his demeanor.

The Saint in a tight corner had even been the most entrancing and delightful sight in the world, and not a shadow of uneasiness darkened the Saint’s brow as he crossed the threshold into Alisdare’s informal dining room. The two damaged thugs were at the small kitchen table doctoring their wounds while Milo spat blood into the sink. They growled like dogs on chains when Simon gave them a friendly wave.

The agitated host paced back and forth with a grandiosity which, considering his unimpressive physical attributes, seemed strangely reminiscent of any number of would-be tin-pot dictators who’s egos and ambitions towered over their morality.

In this alternate reality of armed order-takers, lackeys, and drug manufacturers, Salvadore Alisdare reigned with Napoleonic presence. But both men were standing, and Simon was taller.

The Saint’s poise had never been more easy and debonair, nor the chilled steel masked more deceptively in the mocking depths of his sapphire eyes, than it was as he stood there smiling as if he were an honored industrialist accepting an award from the Chamber of Commerce.

Salvadore Alisdare’s dilated pupils fixed steadily on the Saint. He didn’t like what he saw.

“Sit down,” he ordered, and the Saint glanced at Viola, flanked by Snookums and Major League, before sliding out one of the straight back chairs from the table and offering it chivalrously.

Alisdare winced and allowed Vi to join Simon at the table before walking over and positioning himself above the Saint. He enjoyed the view, and Simon watched a twisted snarl distort the little man’s lips. Alisdare’s ears turned crimson when the Saint smiled warmly and fluttered his eyelashes.

Snookums and the two others hung back against the wall smirking as their commander continued to pace.

“Take a load off your tiny feet and join me in conversation,” suggested the Saint, “I think an honest evaluation of our mutual positions will bring us once again to conclusions not far from those previously outlined.”

His captor stopped pacing and sat down at the head of the table.

“Who’s in control now, Mr Saint?” gloated Alisdare. “Where now are your threats and bravado?”

Simon flicked a piece of lint from his immaculate trousers and smiled the smile of the unconcerned.

“Right in front of you as before,” responded the Saint honestly, “I don’t see how anything has changed, except your ears seem to be losing their rosy glow.”

Salvadore banged his fist on the table in a weak show of intended strength. His hand hurt, but he concealed his discomfort.

“I am in control,” asserted Alisdare, “that’s what’s changed. I have captured you, outwitted you...” the little man’s mastery of verbiage exhausted itself quickly.

“Poo-poo,” stated Simon, “I would characterize the situation differently. Here we sit, two businessmen with similar interests. Why, earlier tonight you were extolling my virtues and insisting we could work marvelously together. Now, I admit to being somewhat pushy when I first arrived, but let’s ascribe that to my haphazard upbringing. Had you not raised such a ruckus and been so reticent to release those two boys, we would be toasting our profitable friendship by now. After all, I could have left your lovely estate had that been my intention, so don’t think I only hung around because of her.” Simon pointed towards Vi without bothering to watch her reaction. “The contents of your safe are still with my gang, Talon remains my primary target, and that .22 with your prints on it will soon be joining the archives. You have me, but I also have you. In a way, we’re even. There is no reason why we cannot reach an amicable arrangement.”

Alisdare eyed the Saint with contempt.

“You storm into my house, terrorize me, kick down doors, smash windows, shoot people, and all this after I have paid you ten thousand dollars. Where is your gratitude, Mr Templar?”

“Beneath the waves of Neah Bay,” answered the Saint.

Alisdare smoldered before spitting out his next sentence.

“I’ll take back my ten thousand dollars. That should cover the damage you’ve inflicted on my house and amend for your rudeness.”

“The damage has yet to begin in earnest,” advised Simon helpfully, “and my rudeness is worth far more than ten grand. I really must put in more time on the pistol range,” remarked Simon as he glanced toward the kitchen, “I can’t believe I only clipped such a large and ugly target. Besides, I can’t hand back the loot, old fruit, I gave it to Little Buzzy to pay for a new hair style. Although,” the Saint looked Alisdare directly in the eye as if what he was about to say was meant for him alone, “even with that haircut, she looks like a good deal of fun, and I have always been an outspoken advocate of old fashioned fun as an accompaniment to newly acquired wealth.”

Vi choked and Snookums laughed either at the off-color implications or Simon’s blatant bravado. The Saint’s smile was now neither mocking nor insulting, it was the sly grin of a man whose moral fabric was cut from lesser cloth than his wardrobe. Salvadore’s face flushed slightly and his eyes wandered. Simon could see the chemically greased wheels turning. Talon’s proclivities, encouraged and photographed by Alisdare, put the adipose detective directly under his thumb. If the Saint were subject to similar temptations and unsavory pastimes, he could be similarly ensnared or creatively distracted.

Alisdare attempted deep thoughts, but his success was spotty at best. His brow furrowed and eyes narrowed.

“Yes, Little Buzzy,” said Salvadore coldly. His attention suddenly snapped to Snookums. “Where is Buzzy? I told you to bring her here. Where is she?”

“She wasn’t where she usually hangs out,” explained the giant, “not the donut shop by Elmo’s, or the old Penny’s building, none of em, maybe Talon’s got her...”

Vi’s voice, trembling with anger, sliced through their conversation.

“What do you perverts want with that girl? Haven’t you done enough damage to her already? She’s just a child and you’re filthy scum.”

Major League guffawed crudely behind her.

“Hell, she didn’t act like no little kid with me,” he bragged offensively, “give her enough dope and she’ll do anything, anything that is except stop bragging about her imaginary rock-star father.”

Vi erupted out of her chair and turned like a cobra at the foul-mouthed henchman. The Saint made no attempt to restrain her as she loosed a revelatory tirade.

“Sometimes fantasies are all a kid has, and that’s why you’ll never find her tonight, not in a crowd of fifteen thousand, because that traumatized child foolishly believes she’s got a famous father who’ll save her from the living hell you’ve put her through,” Vi’s voice rang with power and authority, and no one dared speak, “That’s why I’m here, I’m the one who got the Saint involved. He’d never heard of Talon, Buzzy, Rasnec, or any of you until tonight. He’s here because I asked him if he still... if he still...” and Vi came to the end of her emotional reserve and stopped mid-sentence. Overcome with anger, frustration, and grief, she turned away and sank back into the chair. “Damn!”

She banged her fists on the table and fought back a fresh flood of tears. The air nearly crackled with emotional energy, but Alisdare and his men seemed immune to its influence. There were a few uncomfortable snickers from Snookums and Major League, but Salvadore stared at Vi as if reading hidden words.

“The Coliseum,” said Alisdare succinctly, “she is at the Seattle Center Coliseum. And knowing that nervy brat, she’ll have no problem doing whatever it takes to get backstage after the show to...”

“Have her heart broken and her illusions shattered,” completed Vi angrily.

“Or run off with the band,” laughed Major League.

“Or the road crew,” added Snookums.

“Or better yet, the caterer,” completed Salvadore with a smug grin. “Thank you, Mrs Berkman, for solving the mystery of the missing Little Buzzy. As Emerald City has the contract for tonight’s event, a simple phone call will put two more of my men backstage — men more concerned with grabbing Buzzy than serving cold cuts.”

Vi drew breath to empower an insult, but it was the Saint who spoke. His voice was a whip-crack of assured authority, drawing all attention unto himself.

“You should thank Mr Alisdare, Viola. If you understood what he was doing, you’d clasp him to your bosom. Of course, you’d have to lift him up to do it.”

2

Vi reeled as if slapped in the face with a wet towel. She turned to stare at him, and Salvadore, Snookums, and the other two men stared as well. Simon Templar was leaning back in his chair, his polished footwear propped upon the table. As he spoke, he nonchalantly pared his nails with the bright blade of Snookum’s stiletto.

Alisdare’s eyes almost shot from their sockets; Snookums lodged an expletive in Simon’s general direction.

The Saint swung his long legs to the carpet and stood up. Balancing the blade on the tip of his index finger, Simon Templar addressed the diverse denizens of Salvadore Alisdare’s dining room.

“It’s all about balance, Vi. Even something sharp and deadly, handled correctly, can become a plaything. Correspondingly, a plaything like Little Buzzy can be deadly to one’s career if allowed to get either out of hand or into the wrong hands.”

“How did he get that knife?” Alisdare demanded of Snookums, but the giant had no answer.

“Oh, be easy on the poor fellow, Salvadore. I lifted this lovely item during a brief game of shove and swear on the way into the house. You didn’t even miss it did you, Snookums?”

“The name is Barry,” interjected the giant.

“Your’s or mine?”

Barry grunted.

“Well, you’ll always be Snookums to me,” sang the Saint.

Viola watched the Saint stroll about the dining room, the bright razor-edged blade perpendicular to his outstretched finger.

“As I was saying,” continued the Saint, “It is all about balance. Everything in Alisdare’s life, until recently, seemed perfectly balanced. He was a respected event planner for a prosperous catering company, he had a fun and rewarding social life involving a variety of party girls and high-level party pals, plus two semi-lucrative side-lines: legal pickles and illegal drugs. And then he added two more volatile element to the mix: blackmailing Talon over his immoral relationship with Little Buzzy, and a platonic yet perdiferous relationship with an intoxicating beauty named Diamond Tremayne.”

Alisdare, fascinated by the Saint’s behavior and well-delineated narrative, held up his hand as warning for his men to not interrupt.

“And what do you know of Miss Tremayne?” asked Salvadore calmly.

“Only enough to be entranced,” responded the Saint honestly, “and while I assume that she’s in this soup up to her rather attractive cheekbones, we have more immediate concerns.”

Simon noticed Alisdare’s ill-concealed relief at the setting aside of any further discussion of the enigmatic Ms Tremayne.

“You see, Vi,” continued the Saint, “everything was fine for Mr Alisdare and his rather boisterous companions here until someone started throwing around the name ‘Simon Templar.’ Then things began to tip,” Simon tilted the blade precariously as he spoke, “suspicions became aroused, plots began to be hatched, threats were made, and all the while the real Simon Templar was simply doing his best to promote a Hollywood film. And then...” Simon propelled the stiletto straight upward. It turned sharply in mid-air and descended point first. He caught it deftly by the handle, spun on his heels, and sent it flying with astonishing speed and precision. The point buried itself into the wall only inches from Major League’s left ear. “The Saint steps in: you beg me to save Little Buzzy from Dexter Talon and the creeps who are exploiting her. I agree. Alisdare comes to me with a story about the treasure of Dolores Costello, wanting me to leave town at the same time I’m supposed to meet you. I agree, and see you tonight instead. Detective Talon, not to be left out, requests a heart-to-heart over a filthy ashtray and a bad beer. One thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, everyone is all in an uproar, people are pulling guns and... oh yes,” the Saint paused as if he suddenly remembered something important. He reached back and pulled a .45 out of his waistband and tossed it to the dumbstruck Alisdare.

“I think it fell out in the BMW while we were driving in,” offered the Saint innocently, “but who knows where the clip is?”

Salvadore stared at the empty automatic and looked up blankly at the Saint.

“But even if he had the clip,” continued Simon pleasantly to Vi, “Alisdare is not in the business of killing people. In fact, the thought of his property being littered with bodies strikes him as overwhelmingly distasteful. He only wants to blackmail Talon and have us all leave him alone to do it. But I won’t, Vi, and he knows it. We discussed this situation before your arrival. Remember, our host is no dumbbell,” and the Saint said it as if he were affirming an historical fact, “he didn’t achieve his position of power and influence, especially among men as bright as these, by accident.”

Alisdare puffed up like a blowfish, held the empty .45 at his side, and centered his concentration on the Saint’s monolog.

“He wants to get his hands on Buzzy for at least two good reasons, if you discount a third distasteful one. First: to save her life.” Simon allowed reason number one to hang impressively in the air. Alisdare was as surprised to hear it as was Vi, but he nodded in complete agreement.

“He knows that Talon may decide that one more dead streetkid is safer than one live child to testify against him if she ever gets up the nerve, or if Salvadore’s more detailed photos ever become public. Talon knows that the game is on, and he could get to her backstage at the coliseum as easily as if she was in the backseat of his car.”

Vi knew Simon was not rattling this off for her benefit, and if it was part of a Saintly scheme, it was currently beyond her ken. It didn’t matter. She trusted him.

“Oh, I see,” said Vi thoughtfully, and she convincingly added a tinge of appreciation to her tone.

“Reason number two,” elaborated the Saint, “is that Buzzy can be easily manipulated via the application of the proper condiments. Were Salvadore to assure Buzzy of complete protection should she come forward against Talon, and pressure her to do so if Talon stops the cash flow, he could make sure that his name and endeavors were absent from the minutes of the meeting. In fact,” added Simon with an appreciative glance at Alisdare, “he may have lodged these concepts into her little mind already on more than one occasion. Perhaps another crank-fuelled reverie tonight would only reinforce her allegiance and obedience.”

Although Snookums and his compatriots seemed only moderately interested in Simon’s soliloquy, Milo and the two bandaged henchmen crowded in the doorway. At the conclusion of the Saint’s previous paragraph, Milo stretched forth his arm and pointed an accusing finger. Whatever unpleasant and inconsequential utterance he considered appropriate for the audience was, by virtue of Alisdare’s interdiction, relegated to terminal obscurity.

Salvadore, sensing an intermission in the Saint’s presentation, approached the door-way contingent and surveyed them with mild disdain. The overweight man with big beard and bandaged arm was none the worse for his encounter with wayward lead, and the second had suffered no greater indignity than a perforated boot, a heat-seared toe, and minor facial bruises from his encounter with Ian’s anger.

“You said not to kill them,” Simon reminded him, and Alisdare understood that the Saint could have easily killed them had he so chosen.

Salvadore sighed and seemed to slightly sag. The unnatural fuel on which he’d been running for hours was beginning to dissipate.

“You three get to work in the shed. I’m tired, Milo. Get me some refreshment. And here,” he said, handing the empty automatic to Milo, “put this somewhere.”

The three tumbled out the back door and Salvadore turned his attention to his house guests.

Viola, a disheveled mess, sat stern-jawed at the table; Simon Templar, astonishingly self-assured and debonair, stood in the middle of the room as if surveying his dominion; Snookums, Major League, and the other non-descript thug leaned back against the wall. All were looking expectantly at Salvadore Alisdare, and Salvadore Alisdare was not a happy man. Stress and exhaustion seemed to soak him. His dapper shirt was sticking to his back, the collar felt wet against his neck, and his eyes were beginning to ache. The Saint, he decided, was giving him a migraine. Maybe there was a simple way out of all this. Maybe Templar had the best idea after all.

As for the Saint, had Alisdare’s thoughts been spelled out in balloons above his head, they could not have been more easily perceived. Simon turned slightly to Vi, brushed two fingers against his cheek, and raised his eyebrows. She got it.

“Excuse me, Mr Alisdare, but I look like hell and feel worse,” said Vi “may I please...”

Salvadore wiped a hand across his damp face, and felt a twinge of unexpected guilt.

“Yes, yes, certainly... Barry, show the lady where she can freshen up. And let her have her purse, for God’s sake.”

The Saint tossed Vi an inappropriate kiss capped by a wicked wink, and she regarded him curiously.

Alisdare seemed to lose himself in contemplation of the carpet for a moment, then raised his eyes to Simon’s brilliant gaze. The Saint motioned towards the remaining men with a nod of his head, and addressed Salvadore directly.

“Can we talk, just us,” he asked with the slightest hint of secretive advantage, suggesting two great minds merging in private could accomplish more if relieved from the pressure of performing before a studio audience of divided allegiances.

Alisdare, at this point, appreciated any inference of reduced pressure and increased advantage.

“In a moment,” responded Salvadore thoughtfully, and he walked to the beige telephone hanging on the wall near the kitchen. He picked it up, dialed, and easily made arrangements for additional back stage access to the Seattle Center Coliseum.

Replacing the handset back in its silver cradle, he stretched his lips across his tiny teeth and gave instructions to Major League and Nondescript regarding appropriate subterfuge and their mission’s essential purpose — securing little Buzzy.

Major League laughed and snorked.

“Take the car you came in,” instructed Alisdare, “and don’t make a scene. All I want is for you to get her and take her to the Tropicana Motel on Aurora. Take some of the new batch with you, tell her it’s the best batch she’s ever had. That ought to do it.”

Alisdare leaned against the doorway, looked wearily at the Saint, and watched the two men head for the shed before aiming their vehicle towards the Seattle Center. He closed his eyes for a moment as if eight hours of sleep could be compressed into four seconds, then slurred out a conversational question.

“What was this Berkman woman up to? She really is a big, stupid, nuisance.”

“She is neither big nor stupid,” corrected Simon, “for an example of each, look in the shed. No, she is the attractive and adventurous wife of a studious and respected Seattle Rabbi. She is also a trained counsellor and humanitarian comfort to Seattle’s children of the night, and a close confidant to America’s Sweetheart, Little Buzzy. She despises Dexter Talon, had never heard of you until tonight, met Snookums... I mean Barry, when he danced into her office to demonstrate the duplicity two-step, and is only guilty of two things,” elaborated Simon, who was not above taking creative liberties with the realities of a situation, “having an intense and perfectly understandable attraction to your’s truly, and operating a taxi without a license. All she did was give me a lift and then she was supposed to go home. Apparently, her more adventurous nature got the best of her. And,” added Simon wickedly, “before the night is over, I might also.”

Alisdare heart beat a little faster at the thought of such impropriety.

“And how were you supposed to get back to Seattle?”

“I figured I’d ride back with you when you went to meet Talon,” Simon answered honestly, for it was one of his options at the time. “I had no idea you’d object to my brilliant plan of immediate profit sharing — a plan I hope you will seriously reconsider. And, I want you to understand, I had no idea those two boys were your ‘guests’ until I arrived — let’s just say that was an unfortunate coincidence. Also, if I may take a moment to point out the obvious...”

Salvadore granted permission to continue.

“I inflicted no permanent harm on any of your men, and have disarmed myself on more than one occasion for your benefit. Believe it or not, your interests and mine have become intertwined.”

Alisdare motioned for them to be seated, and Simon joined him at the dining room table.

“You see,” continued the Saint affably after looking over his shoulder to confirm that Viola had not yet returned, “Mrs Berkman knew me years ago and has an image of me that’s far more, shall we say, ‘straight laced’ than I have since become. An image, I happen to believe, she would enjoy having displaced by one more in harmony with... well, let’s simply say I think the woman has possibilities, if you catch my drift.” The little man, familiar with immoral drift, smirked an implication of understanding.

“I promised her I’d stop Talon. If you go ahead and meet up with him, and my gang loots his hideaway, and Buzzy agrees to leave you out of it and simply lodge a complaint with the police about Talon’s inappropriate behavior, we’ll all be happy. Talon has nothing on you except maybe your meth lab, and you can have that baby moved to another location in twenty-four hours. I know I can get Berkman to turn a blind eye to your activities because she’s been giving me the glad eye all night, especially if some of Talon’s loot goes to her humanitarian activities.”

Simon, even when fabricating sand castles of improbability, was blessed with every successful salesman’s secret weapon: an absolutely victorious attitude. Alisdare, rattled and weary, was beginning to see radiant light at the end of his alley. What he really wanted to see was Milo returning from the shed with his required refreshments. The Saint, however, was determined to make progress convincing Salvadore of appropriate action before a fresh dose of drugs reactivated the paranoia and devious excitability.

Simon Templar knew he was taking risks, but risks were as much part of his arsenal as they were a fact of life. Of all the risks he had taken this evening, the next was the most tenuous.

“We both know you gave me $10,000 advance to search for the Costello Treasure. What did you really have planned for me, Mr Alisdare? Why did you give me $10,000, and how does Diamond Tremayne fit into all of this?”

Salvadore’s tiny eyes became two squinted Chiclets before he gave reply.

“In a way, if you must know, you’re ruining everything. You’re a fool. You could have had more than ten thousand dollars if you stayed out of this Talon business,” said Alisdare dispassionately. “Hell, you probably would have stolen the whole thing yourself, taken Rasnec to the cleaners, and run off with Tremayne, knowing your reputation.”

Simon was mystified by Alisdare’s comments, but found them fascinating.

“In order to steal the whole thing, and take Rasnec to the cleaners,” improvised the Saint, “I would need to know more than I know now.”

“That’s why you’re such a fool,” insisted Salvadore flatly, “We gave it to you on a silver platter.”

“That’s consistent with your catering background,” admitted the Saint, “but what exactly did you give me?”

Alisdare opened his mouth to reply, but stopped when Snookums and Viola returned from down the hall.

Vi Berkman looked surprisingly fresh, and only her tattered nylons referenced any previous unpleasantness. She noticed the men’s attention drawn to her hosiery, and looked askance at Barry before she muttered a muted, sarcastic request.

“How about a few bucks for a pair of panty hose.”

Alisdare, curiously chagrined, put his head in his hands as Barry fished a handful of crumpled ones out of his pocket and offered them to Viola. She took them, without so much as a thank you, and stuffed them in her bag.

The back door loudly banged and Milo the gap-toothed gimp limped into the kitchen, sat at the table, and summoned his superior.

“Excuse me,” said Alisdare, and he stood to exit.

“Uh, Salvadore,” interrupted the Saint, “may I?”

The implication was obvious — Simon wanted a taste of Alisdare’s refreshments. Surprised, Salvadore, for the first time that evening, honestly smiled.

“And how about a drink for the lady,” added Simon with a grin.

“Yes, of course. Barry, get out a bottle of wine and some glasses from the cabinet.”

Alisdare stopped momentarily at the doorway, and turned back towards the giant.

“Be a gentleman, Barry. The nature of our relationship with these people is undergoing a profitable transformation.”

Vi stared in disbelief as Simon trotted into the kitchen after their little host, and Barry began fetching glasses and a bottle from a small liquor cabinet. Vi noted the white handled stiletto was still stuck in the wall, serving as grim reminder of the evening’s earlier festivities.

In the kitchen, Milo cringed when he saw the Saint standing above him. To put the fellow at ease, Simon spoke words of reassurance.

“Don’t worry, old chum,” said the Saint, “I’ll forget about you strangling that boy if you can forgive me knocking you down the stairs.”

“Buh wuh abou’ muh tee’h,” objected Milo.

“Oh, we’ll find them in the morning,” replied Simon jovially, “and whack ’em back in with a hammer.”

Milo cringed again.

“Please, Mr Templar,” interrupted Alisdare, “Milo was only doing his job, a job that comes with certain risks, right Milo?”

There was no further comment from the scrawny fellow who excused himself after unfolding a triangle of white paper on the kitchen table. Alisdare sat down on a green plastic covered chair and bent over to examine the contents. Simon did likewise. It smelled strongly of ammonia, strong enough to make Simon involuntarily shake his head. Alisdare laughed.

“Cry baby,” said Salvadore with a malevolent chuckle.

“Cry baby?”

“Burns like hell,” said Alisdare with pride, “but works so well.”

And with that comment, he stuck his finger into the yellowish powder, pulled it out, motioned for Simon to do the same, thrust the finger into his absurdly small right nostril, and sniffed as hard as he could.

What transpired next was something Simon Templar considered penultimate testimony to the remarkable ability of human beings to inflict pain and discomfiture upon themselves in pursuit of transitory pleasure.

Alisdare burst bolt upright from the plastic chair with a yelp of agony, threw himself against the white Kelvinator refrigerator and, while hitting his forehead with his hands, stomped his foot loudly on the floor.

Vi jumped from her seat in the dining room, but Barry held up one huge hand. She sat back down.

Alisdare was now squirming against the refrigerator, tears streaming from the corners of his scrunched-up eyes.

Simon quickly tore the corner off a nearby napkin, dumped a major portion of the remaining powder into it, folded it tightly, placed it in his pocket, and began a thoroughly believable mimicry of Alisdare’s demonstrative behavior.

When Snookums and Viola dared peek into the kitchen, they saw two men bleating, wailing and stomping like wounded water buffalo. As Alisdare’s outcries began to subside, Simon allowed his to do the same.

“Oh, jeeze, that hurts,” wept Alisdare, “it’s like pouring Drano down your sinuses.”

Simon moaned believably and smashed his hand against the kitchen wall as if it could beat back the pain racking his head.

Alisdare watched Simon through misted eyes, and laughed through his own pain.

“Good stuff, right?” Alisdare was actually bragging.

“Oh, yeah,” agreed Simon with appreciative but winded enthusiasm.

Barry poured Vi a glass of wine and muttered under his breath.

“Stupid, if ya ask me,” confided the bent-nose Snookums as he set the bottle on the table, “I put it in my coffee and be done with it. Only show-offs do it like that. Who wants pain, anyway?”

Not wanting to engage the giant in a philosophical conversation, Vi simply sipped her off-brand wine and admired the Saint’s wondrous abilities. Every psychological ploy, educated gambit, and proven technique for bonding with the damaged and distressed — methodologies she learned at great cost and expense at an East Coast University — were being deftly implemented, layer upon layer, by the amazing and mercurial Simon Templar. The Saint, of course, did not acquire his insights by long hours in a collegiate study hall, nor were they honed to a master’s perfection after repetitive hours of role play or respectable residency at an accredited clinic. The major portion of the Saint’s insight into human behavior was purely intuitive, and the balance was based upon years of interaction with those of diverse thoughts and devious temperaments. As for Simon’s seeming indulgence in dangerous drugs, Vi did not doubt for a moment that it was an act, and one worthy of a sold gold statuette and international accolades.

And then a beeping began to be heard. A tiny, insistent beep coming from the depths of Viola’s large black bag.

“Wassat?” Barry demanded, looking around as if expecting an invasion of flying saucers, “Wheredat comin’ from?”

Alisdare, still wiping his tear-soaked eyes, rolled into the dining room like a wind-up duck.

“Who’s beeper is that?”

Viola began digging through her bag and pulled out the small black device which had interrupted Salvadore’s absurd indulgence. She pressed a button and the beeping stopped, then she examined the newly illuminated numerals.

“My husband,” she explained apologetically, “he probably wonders where I am and what I’m doing. I usually check in with him by now.”

Alisdare, who now seemed to be vibrating in rhythm to an unheard aggregate of drummers, stared intensely at Vi’s beeper.

“Talon’s got one of those too,” he remarked incongruently.

“Well, this one isn’t his,” Vi clarified, “Its mine and that’s my husband calling.”

Salvadore turned to Simon as if only someone in a similar mental state could offer relevant advice.

The Saint, now projecting an aura of near overwhelming energy, began pacing the floor in an impersonation of Alisdare which, in a previous age, would have qualified him for top billing in any vaudeville revue.

“No problem at all, ladies and gentleman. The young lady simply uses your cute little beige telephone, calls hubby, and tells him that she is at a wild party of rampant immorality with a man called the Saint,” said Simon, and his amplified frivolity was joyously contagious. “Here,” the Saint held out the phone to Vi and his voice softened, “call your beloved and tell him you’ll be home in an hour or so.”

Alisdare started to become tense and his face revealed renewed disorientation.

“Its OK,” Simon reassured him gently, “you don’t want her spending the rest of her life in your dining room, and I already told you that she’ll play ball. Isn’t that right... sweetheart?” Simon gently pulled Vi close to him in a manner surprisingly romantic and she realized that the Saint was about to kiss her. For the briefest micro-second, she was unsure what response he expected. When their eyes met, she knew the game.

It looked impassioned and genuine from a distance, as did her initial reluctance to respond and her eventual overtly enthusiastic submission to what Alisdare and Barry interpreted as drug inspired activation of Simon’s libidinous nature.

The stage kiss complete, Vi clung to the Saint while she dialed her home number.

“Hi, honey,” said Vi, looking into the Saint’s eyes and doing her best to stay in character and ignore the stares of Alisdare and Barry. “Oh, I’m just fine. I’m with the Saint.”

As Vi held the phone to one ear, Simon appeared to be nibbling the other and whispering sweet nothings. Alisdare, delighting in the display, suppressed a giggle. The Saint, however, was not nibbling anything, nor were his whispers tinged with off-color implications.

“How about we blow this entire place to hell?” murmured the Saint seductively, and Vi nodded at him in complete agreement.

“I think he want’s me to do something with him for a while, honey, then I’ll be home,” intoned Vi distractedly, seeming far more interested in planting cold but convincing kisses lightly on the Saint’s cheek.

“Nat wants to speak to you, Simon.” She handed him the phone but did not loose herself from the Saint’s embrace.

“Hullo, Rabbi, how’s everything biblical?”

“Vi sounds strange, she’s not making any sense.” answered a concerned Nat, “I told Vi that she just had a call from someone named Diamond Tremayne, and she put you on the phone. Where are you anyway?”

“That’s a swell idea, Nat. A late night cheesecake sounds wonderful.”

“You can’t talk, can you?” Nat was now becoming agitated.

“Of course not, but think nothing of it, honestly. We’ll all be together soon. Vi is even going to let me drive her BMW,” Simon punctuated his last sentence by giving Vi an obvious squeeze for the benefit of Alisdare and Barry.

“Tell me the truth, Saint, is everything alright? Are you in control of the situation?”

“Absolutely, positively, beyond the shadow of a doubt,” confirmed Simon. “We’ll see you later.”

The Saint hung up the phone with one hand and held Vi close with the other.

3

Alisdare stared at the couple, a stupid grin adorning his flushed face. Snookums, perhaps feeling left out, pulled his stiletto out of the wall, folded it up, and put it away. He then ambled off into the kitchen to see what was left in the white triangle of paper.

Simon, with Vi as an inseparable attachment, walked over to Salvadore. Vi leaned her head dreamily against the Saint’s strong shoulder. Whatever he was up to, she was with him all the way.

“Listen, Salvadore, I’m sure you understand the situation,” advised the Saint with a confidant’s smile.

Alisdare didn’t understand much of any situation, but he nodded.

“So, let’s do exactly as you planned — you call Talon or beep Talon or whatever you do to get hold of him and arrange to meet him at 14th and Madison. And you’re right, Salvadore, we want to catch him before he makes a play for Little Buzzy.”

Before the little man could recall exactly who suggested this plan in the first place, or unravel the reasoning behind it, he was making a call.

Simon sat down at the table and poured himself a glass of wine. Vi sat on his lap, feigning near adolescent affection. She nuzzled his neck and offered a whisper of her own.

“If he pulls out a camera, I could be blackmailed,” growled Vi with plucky derision. “But at least I can find out something I always wanted to know.”

“What’s that?” asked the Saint, watching Barry lick the remaining vile powder from the white triangle. Viola reached up and playfully tousled Simon’s hair.

“Gee,” she giggled girlishly to mask her anxiety, “you can have a hair out of place.”

Simon, although appearing engrossed in Vi’s displays of affection, was focusing is entire attention on the behavior of Salvadore Alisdare.

The phone was jammed tight against one wet, red ear, and his shoulders were hunched. He spoke in staccato rhythms through clenched teeth, and Simon had to strain to make out the essence of the conversation.

“Oh, but I do insist,” hissed Alidare, “and bring an extra five hundred dollars while you’re at it, unless you want an eight by ten full color photo of you and your under age paramour on the front page of the morning Post-Intelligencer.”

Salvadore hung up the phone, drew another deep breath, and came over to the table to pour himself a drink. He stood, glass in hand, with a faraway look in his shrunken eyes until Simon’s wink caught his attention.

“You’re good, Mr Alisdare. Positively the best. I wish you and I could have teamed up years ago.”

Alisdare re-focused on Simon and Viola intertwined and seemed unsure of his next move.

Realizing that this lesser mind of crime was becoming progressively derailed from his train of thought, Simon unwrapped himself from Vi’s elaborate embrace and came over to give Alisdare’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze. It was the consistency of damp putty.

“Thanks to you, Talon is right where we want him,” delineated the Saint, “Buzzy is on her way to where you want her, and...” Simon smiled smarmily, “I’ve got a woman here who wants me.”

“Obviously,” Alisdare noted with a light laquer of envy.

“So, how about you allow the lady and me a private interlude while you head back to Emerald City. By the time you step out the door to meet Talon at 14th and Madison, she’ll be on her way home and I’ll be looting a condominium hideaway belonging to a nonexistent Tex Nolan. We can re-convene at the Tropicana, split the loot, re-fuel, and you can show me what there is to Little Buzzy besides that silly haircut.”

Salvadore seemed to regain a sense of purpose, and began glancing nervously around the room.

“My keys,” stammered Alisdare, “where did I put my keys.”

Simon seemed to pull a set out of the air and jingled them next to his ear.

“I was holding them for you,” said Simon truthfully, and Alisdare eyed him as if he wasn’t quite sure if he was being given the bum’s rush or a supportive send-off.

Alisdare gulped down his warm wine, pulled a light jacket out the hall closet, and was about to recap his understanding of upcoming events when the bell inside the beige wall phone pealed out an auditory interruption. Snookums, being closer, grabbed the receiver in his meaty paw and barked out an unpleasant hello before extending the receiver to his smaller superior.

“It’s for you, Boss. It’s Diamond.”

Alisdare was so stunned by Barry’s indiscretion that he literally listed back on his heels. Tipping back to proper balance, Salvadore peddled across the rug and snatched the phone away.

“Why don’t you just tell Templar and this woman everything, you idiot! No, Diamond, I wasn’t calling you an idiot. Yes, you heard right — we have company here tonight: Simon Templar and a lady friend of his who’s also tight with Buzzy. Now, calm down... let me explain...” Alisdare pressed the phone tight to the side of his sweat-drenched head and pulled the long coiled cord with him into the small alcove around the corner from the dining room. He spoke sotto-voce, but the alcove’s acoustics and Salvadore’s emotion made it possible for Simon to discern almost every nuance as the little man recounted each aspect of the night’s cavalcade of circumstances from his unique perspective.

At length, Alisdare stopped talking and started listening. He paced nervously back and forth, in and out of the room, his eyelids flapping wildly and his face occasionally turning the color of beet borscht. The entire time, he obsessively wrapped and unwraped the coiled phone cord around his finger.

“Templar and I have everything worked out,” Simon heard him say, “but yes, it would have been better if he spent a relaxing night in his hotel room and simply showed up at the airport in the morning.”

Vi looked dismayed and confused, Snookums appeared unamused, and the Saint, having adjusted his hair, was absolutely perfect.

“You want to what?” Alisdare was incredulous. “You can’t be serious. Yes, he wants Talon, but we made a deal, he and I. And this Berkman woman...” Diamond cut him short, and he stammered for a moment. “If you think that’s smart, but I think its crazy. OK.”

Alisdare stopped pacing, came out of the alcove, held the phone down to his side like a vanquished warrior, and reluctantly held it out towards the Saint.

“She wants to talk to the famous Simon Templar,” announced Salvadore, and it was obvious that he was not impressed.

Simon strolled lazily to Alisdare and cheerfully took the call.

“Good evening, Ms Tremayne,” he began chattily, “did you enjoy La Vaca Espana?”

The warm breathy laugh on the other end of the line conveyed more than amusement.

“I’m rather surprised to find you there, Saint. I need you well rested.”

“Oh?”

“Didn’t you guess?” chided Diamond, “I’m part of the search party. In fact, I’ve made reservations for you and me at the most delightful bed and breakfast in Neah Bay. A friend of mine owns it — he owns a lot of valuable real estate all over Washington.”

“I think I’ve met him,” responded the Saint airily.

“I’m sure you can take care of yourself and Mrs Berkman without hurting innocent people,” she put the emphasis on innocent, and Simon was aware that all eyes in the room were on him.

“You’re not as predictable as I imagined, Saint. You’ve moved farther on the game board than I anticipated. But you always were the best of the buccaneers.” Her inflection was an aural caress.

“Am I giving you a run for your money?” asked Simon.

The laugh on the other end of the line was almost intoxicating.

“Its not my money you’ve got to run for, at least not yet,” and she phrased the final four words as if they were puzzle pieces. And then she was gone.

The Saint gave no indication of a severed connection, continuing with pleasant, if one sided, banter.

“Yes, Alisdare and I have become closer than Hart, Shaffner, and Karl Marx. We had a meeting of the minds and half of them showed up, so I have a half a mind to spend the evening carousing with Salvadore and dancing with Dexter Talon to Grand Theft’s Greatest Hits. Yes, I’m sure what Salvadore and I have planned will bring documented performance. Well, you have a good night too, Ms Tremayne, and we’ll all dream of Dolores Costello.” Alisdare stared at him intensely.

“What the hell was that all about?”

Simon raked him with a mocking glance, but spoke in tones completely non-threatening.

“She’s beyond my comprehension,” said the Saint, and he wasn’t being facetious. “I don’t know how you managed to get her on your side, but she certainly wishes us all the best.”

Perhaps, in retrospect, Simon Templar may confess that his choice of words at that moment was ill-advised, but as he had taken advice from no one concerning those words, any attribution of error must be firmly placed at its point of origin. Something Simon said pushed an unpleasant button deep in the convoluted consciousness of Salvadore Alisdare, and the Saint realized it immediately. There were no verbal outcries from the tiny fellow, neither insults nor sarcastic remarks, but a stiffening of posture and tightening of the jaw, not dissimilar to the physical changes Simon witnessed outside the Westin Hotel, were sufficient indications of Alisdare’s anger and internal agitation.

Salvadore’s face flashed with the crimson insistence of a railroad crossing. Vi looked at Simon, Simon looked at her, and Snookums looked larger and more dangerous than ever.

It was Simon who confronted the atmospheric instability head on.

“Is there a problem of which we are unaware?”

“No,” responded Alisdare evenly, “not at all. I think everything will proceed perfectly, or at least passably. You’ve already seen the upstairs rooms, Mr Templar. I assume one of them will allow you and the lady to have your private moments before you leave. Barry will make sure you’re taken care of, won’t you Barry?”

A tingle of apprehension crawled up Simon’s spine and spread its tendrils along his scalp.

Salvadore walked to the front door and stopped momentarily to issue one last instruction to his oversized henchman.

“The boys will call from the Tropicana. We may want to move farther from the Seattle Center and more towards... the other.”

And then he was out the door, down the steps, into the late model sedan, and driving off down the black top driveway towards the secondary road. Barry watched the two red taillights grow dim in the distance before turning from the window.

Simon was gathering up the wine bottle and two glasses, giving every indication that he and Viola were about to slip upstairs for private romance.

Snookums squared his shoulders and gave loud voice to a concern obviously harbored in silence for some time.

“Ya broke my nose, and she sprayed something horrible down my throat.” It was as much threat as it was statement of fact.

“Yes, we recall that quite well, Barry. It was one of the highlights of the evening,” said the Saint pleasantly as he placed himself between Vi and the giant “but we all decided to be friends and not kill each other any more, remember.”

“You’re part right,” agreed Barry as he began to walk toward them, “Alisdare can’t stand the thought of seeing people get killed.”

“And what’s the other part?” Asked Simon as would a disinterested third party.

“I kill ’em so he don’t have to see it.”

“How thoughtful of you,” admitted the Saint, “I’m sure the sight of Uncle Elmo with a plastic bag over his head would have distressed him no end.”

The giant stopped in his oversized tracks.

“Hey, even Alisdare doesn’t know I’m the one who did that. It was a contract job, pure and simple. How did you know?”

“Just a lucky hunch. Now, if you don’t mind, all this talk of murder is infringing upon our previously established mood of conviviality.”

Barry glowered at the Saint, and Simon placed the wine bottle and glasses back on the table.

“Listen Snookums,” said the Saint as if reasoning with a ten-year-old, “if you plan on killing me, or her, or both of us, I have a favor to ask first.”

“Favor?” Barry cocked his head sideways as if Simon would make more sense looked at differently.

“Well, sort of, but not really. You see...” Simon stopped and looked back at Vi as if she shouldn’t be hearing this conversation. “Wait here a second Vi, Barry and I need to chat.”

Barry was not aware of any need to chat, but the Saint’s carefree manner was remarkably authoritative and the giant’s curiosity was equalled only by his height.

Simon approached the beast as if conferring with an old pal, and motioned that they should step into the alcove.

Vi watched the two men disappear, realized she had been holding her breath for an eternity, and laboriously exhaled.

Alone with Barry, the Saint posed a pertinent question.

“Who first had the idea of partying with Little Buzzy? Alisdare or Talon?”

“Why do you care?”

“I may never get the opportunity to join the fun, but a good idea certainly deserves credit.”

The giant clamped his left hand around Simon’s chin and lifted him up against the wall. The white handled stiletto snapped to deadly attention, its blade poised under the Saint’s heart.

“Neither,” rasped Barry, “Talon has always loved little girls and boys, but I was the first to spot her, the first to drug her, and the first to...”

And those were the last words ever to cross his lips. The remaining intended verb and noun drowned in a rising tide of blood. Snookums’ grip waned in intensity, he stumbled stupidly backwards, and crashed noisily to the floor.

“Grab the wine bottle, Vi,” called the Saint, “We’re getting out of here.”

Vi snapped up the bottle and ran into the alcove. When she saw Snookums dead on the floor, she almost fainted.

“Oh, God.” Vi turned white. “That’s... that’s...”

“Yes, I know,” said the Saint, pulling a long blade out of Barry’s chest and wiping the blood on the giant’s shirt, “its your cutlery. I took it from your kitchen earlier tonight when I was tidying up and secured it with duct tape.”

Vi stared blankly at the large body sprawled on the floor. “I wondered why you asked for that,” she said softly. “He’s dead isn’t he?”

“Permanently,” stated the Saint succinctly as he returned the knife to its makeshift sheath, led the way into Alisdare’s kitchen, turned on the gas oven and doused the floor with a liberal amount of Alisdare’s wine.

“Is that safe?” Asked Vi, and she felt self-conscious posing the question.

“Of course not. When the Saint plays with fire, the ungodly burn in hell — we’re going to blow this entire operation off the face of the earth.”

Simon ripped a sheet of paper towels from a roll on the counter, stuffed it into the bottle’s neck and scooped a few plain kitchen matches from a metal bin above the stove.

“Your car is out front and your keys are in the ignition,” said Simon, “get out there, start ’er up and head for the end of the road.”

“But what about you?”

The Saint set the wine bottle and matches on the counter before stepping out on the back porch, reaching up, and wiggling the hatchet free from where Ian embedded it.

“Just keep an eye on your rearview mirror,” he advised, “and maybe you’ll get that big bang you were asking for. Now, gather up your stuff and scoot.”

Vi scooted.

4

The Saint quickly perused the contents of Alisdare’s cupboards and kitchen drawers, retrieved a bottle of cooking sherry, constructed a second Molotov cocktail and affixed to it a slightly longer, tightly wound fuse. In the process, he helped himself to an array of burglar’s perks: a few rubber bands, thumbtacks, and another helping of old-fashioned, plain kitchen matches.

As Viola closed the front door behind her and headed for the BMW, Simon opened the door to the posterior porch, used the sherry bottle as a door stop, and lit the fuse. He slid the hatchet in his belt, stepped out into the dark, and headed towards the wood shed.

There was no way of knowing what final words or warnings passed between Major League, Milo, and the meth lab’s remaining men. It was entirely possible that Vi and he could simply drive away unhindered, but if the late and unlamented Snookum’s behavior was any indication, immediate destruction was not only manifest justice, it was their best protection. It came as no surprise to the Saint that the smooth firing of the BMW’s ignition triggered an immediate response from Alisdare’s chemically inclined minions. As the first rays from Vi’s headlights swept the driveway, the bearded thug in bib overalls lumbered out to investigate. His curiosity shifted almost immediately to the sudden appearance of a white handled stiletto protruding from his chest approximately 1/4 inch from his left bib button. While the knife was one with which he was familiar, he was not used to seeing it embedded in his own ample body. Before he could give this conundrum further serious consideration, the ability to consider anything beyond the last fleeting moment vanished in eternal silence. His body teetered back and forth as if grappling with a life or death decision. The decision made, the body crashed backwards in the doorway.

The recently deceased’s sightless eyes perceived not the lovely starlit sky, the Molotov cocktail sailing over his head, nor the all consuming flames that soon reduced his fatted form to indistinguishable ashes. Vi Berkman, however, saw the first of two fireballs blast yellow illumination in her rear view mirror. The second woe came quickly — a thunderous explosion of ground shaking intensity shooting flames hundreds of feet in the air. In the sudden flare of fire and flame, she glimpsed the silhouetted form of Simon Templar fleeing the conflagration towards her bright red tail-lights.

And there was a ball of fire spinning behind the Saint — a ball of fire with a pronounced limp, to be exact. Milo, by a miracle of nature or an unpleasant twist of fate, emerged from the caustic combustion smoldering to the bone, his anger hotter than hell itself. Spared the near instant death of his companions, Milo erupted from the destruction as would a wiry yet vengeful phoenix. Better trained in fire safety than his melted co-conspirators, Milo threw himself in the dirt and rolled back and forth with valiant determination. The outward flames died in the dust, but the searing heat and acrid chemicals continued sizzling through his skin’s remaining layers. Whatever thoughts of self preservation motivated him to extinguish the external blaze were his final reserve. All that remained in his barbecued brain was a burning desire for unrelenting retaliation.

The vibration under Simon’s feet and the intense heat at his back gave him no reason to doubt the effectiveness of his incendiary inventiveness. He needn’t look back for verification of the meth lab’s vaporization, nor for confirmation that Alisdare’s domicile was engulfed in a maelstrom of destruction. There was only the clear path before him, the blacktop beneath him, and the bright brake lights of the BMW as his immediate goal.

Vi, however, knew what the Saint did not: a smoking form emerged from the dust, flailing its arms in wild concentric circles, throwing itself at the 4X4 whose paint blistered from the intense heat generated by the twin blasts. Milo, propelled past the brink of madness, felt no pain when grasping the red hot door handle and throwing himself behind the wheel. He pawed the driver’s side visor and an ignition key plopped into his scalded palm.

Viola Berkman leapt from her car, waving and yelling warnings at the Saint. Simon couldn’t hear her, but her body language bore sufficient augury. The Saint turned to witness the big wheel’s twin beams blast through the smoke and see the spin of enormous tires on gravel.

The Saint ran towards Vi’s car, she raced to the passenger side, and Milo slammed a seared foot on the accelerator. The 4X4 lurched, spun, and charged towards the blacktop, its heavy tread seeking and finding sure footing on the hard, dark pavement. Through heat baked vision and dirt caked windshield, Milo considered Simon Templar as a miniscule figure fleeing from certain death.

“Under my wheels!” Yelled Milo, “Under my wheels!”

The Saint could not hear Milo’s rants, and had he heard them he would not have been impressed. What Milo perceived as Simon’s unavoidable doom, the Saint considered simply another of the evening’s avoidable inconveniences.

The BMW idled in anticipation, Vi secured her seat belt, and well before Milo was halfway down the blacktop, the Saint was behind the wheel, in command, and projecting an air of irrefutable confidence. For Viola, the sight of the monster truck bearing down on them served as adequate impetus for anxiety, and the ease with which the Saint launched the BMW from warmed standstill to tachometric intensity did little to alleviate her understandable internal tension.

The dark road vanished under their headlights with increasing rapidity, but Milo’s massive tires and lead footed approach to night driving gave his pursuit a roaring dragonian ambiance of such ferocity that Viola could almost sense the sinister hiss of an overheated radiator steaming at her neck.

The Saint’s fingers skimmed the black steering wheel with deft precision and characteristic disregard for inferences of danger. A signature whistle melodically eased through his lips and his piratical visage was wreathed in smiles.

“He wants to kill us, you know,” said Vi.

“He won’t live that long,” stated the Saint optimistically, “and don’t look back, it only encourages him.”

Vi looked back anyway; the truck was gaining. She turned to the reckless and unperturbed gentleman piloting her conservative family sedan as if qualifying for a stock car competition and wished she’d taken her husband’s sportier model. Vi had no choice but to surrender her trust to Simon’s rakish features and mocking blue eyes gleaming like chips of crystal. If she retained any hope for a happy ending to the night’s shenanigans, such faith was best invested in the durable desperado with the might of angels aligned in his favor.

“Before I forget,” said the Saint conversationally, “I want to tell you how impressed I was with your performance back there. Had you not become a public spirited rescuer of abandoned off-spring, you could have had a career in theatrical improvisation.”

“I minored in drama,” she admitted with distraction. Her fingers trembled, and her voice quavered. The night’s avalanche of relentless anxiety was not the stuff of which her evenings traditionally consisted, and for her to maintain an attitude of relaxed nonchalance while being pursued by a madman would be expecting a bit much.

Indeed, the ground pounding 4X4 with the singed and sinister driver weaved wildly behind them from lane to lane, attempting to gain advantage and pull either in front or along side.

The Saint shot the BMW through the intersection where the Woodinville/Duvall road met the miniscule heart of the second city and pumped it full throttle. The sizzling saboteur in the hydraulically heightened road beast banged a peeling fist on the dash board as if violence in the cab translated into increased speed on the road. There was some truth to this superstition, for the high-riding vehicle was cutting the distance between itself and the import. This fact of unfortunate logistics was not lost on the Saint.

“He must have one hell of an engine or German engineering isn’t what it used to be,” said Simon dryly and Vi felt obligated to offer a weak, if not particularly comforting explanation.

“Maybe I’m past due for a tune-up.”

Simon cocked an eyebrow at her self-deprecating comment, squinted at the reflection of Milo’s headlights in the side mirror, and eased his foot off the gas peddle. The BMW slowly decelerated as the truck accelerated. Milo, enthused at his high-speed progress, expelled a smokey whistle through his ugly gapped teeth and aimed his charred grill into the oncoming lane. In a moment he would be along side, determined to fling his 4X4 full force against the sleek sheet metal of the German import. Even though the mighty vehicle was not his personal possession, he was familiar enough with it to be aware of its more unique accessories. He reached down under the driver’s seat and snapped up a decidedly illegal and fully loaded sawed-off shotgun.

He laughed a crazed coughing cackle and spat black grit on the dashboard. The road ahead was clear, and a spasmodic jerk of his scorched head allowed him an inspiring view of the glowing red stain spreading like a billow of spilled blood on the night sky’s black velvet backdrop.

The Saint monitored every miniscule movement of Milo’s high-rise motorized would-be weapon, calculating speed, distance, and strategy. Milo’s madness was factored into the equation, along with his stupidity and forgetfulness.

For Milo, it was if the enormous tires were infused with demonic power — each tread a rapacious talon grasping hungrily at the asphalt, every inch of rubber a hard-skinned reptile — seeking their prey with remorseless resolve. He was riding the back of the beast, a pilot of death wielding fire and retribution. He could hear the distant howl of hell-hounds rising in his ears, see the swirling pyres of Hades licking the road ahead.

The Saint perceived the same audio and visual cues as Milo, but decoded them accurately — the distant howl, an approaching siren; the swirling pyres, a Snohomish County firetruck. Simon eased the hatchet out of his belt, lowered the window, and checked the side mirror to ascertain Milo’s proximity.

The two vehicles screamed around another bend, Vi did the same, and when the 4X4 pulled along side, Simon saw manifest madness, armed and dangerous, behind the wheel.

Milo extended his blistered arm full length towards the open window, his charred fingers tightening on the trigger. In one abrupt movement, the Saint threw the hatchet and slammed on the brakes. Although Simon Templar was more experienced in the art of hatchet throwing than the average Seattle tourist, the particular hatchet in question was neither of perfect balance nor was it manufactured with throwing in mind. It is adequate testimony to the Saint’s strength and aim that the hatchet, while not directly terminating Milo’s existence, sailed through the truck’s cab with sufficient force to painfully slice away the topmost portion of Milo’s right ear before disappearing out the opposite window.

The sudden shock had a profound effect on the 4X4’s erratic pilot. For a brief moment, the wild fog around his eyes and the swirling mist inside his head seemed to evaporate in a bright crimson light. For the first time since the meth lab burst into flames, the gap-toothed lackey saw things as they were. Sadly, they were not to his liking — most especially the enormous oncoming firetruck.

There was one icy moment of panicked indecision before Milo’s left hand desperately cramped the steering wheel far to the right.

The truck’s speed, the narrow road, and the sudden swerve united in a coldly coordinated conspiracy to capsize Milo’s metallic monster. The squeal of tires and screams of sirens drowned out similar noises made by Milo himself as the 4X4 tipped treacherously on its wheels, left the road in a sideways launch, and crashed end over end. Before the first horrific impact with terra firma, a relatively small, bright flash illumined the cab’s interior. The shotgun in Milo’s grip followed the same over end trajectory as the vehicle itself. When Milo saw himself looking down the wrong end of the weapon, he wondered who could possibly by trying to shoot him. In an understandable act of intended self-defense, Milo pulled the trigger.

The fire engine clanged undetered towards Duvall’s acre of flames, and the alert firefighters summoned reinforcements when the 4X4 launched itself from the road and disappeared down a ravine.

As for Simon Templar and Viola Berkman, the firefighters were sufficiently occupied avoiding head-on impact with the 4X4 that they never noticed a sleek black import turn casually off onto 173rd, circle the residential cul-de-sac, re-emerge far behind them, and drive away in the opposite direction.

Vi stared out the back window, watching the firetruck’s flashing lights diminish in size and intensity.

“He’s gone. The man in the truck, I mean,” said Vi with amazement and gratitude, “I thought he was going to...” She shuddered and leaned wearily against the head rest.

“He gave it his best shot, so to speak,” Simon commented pleasantly.

Vi looked at him while her mind replayed vivid memories of the evening’s more recent and lurid highlights.

“How can you be so damn calm?” Vi objected with healthy animation, “Crazy people trying to kill us, explosions, fires, gunfights, and you act like were out for pleasant moonlight drive.”

“I find that fact that we’re still alive very pleasant,” offered Simon honestly, “and you must realize that I’ve been in situations similar to this on enough occasions to view them with a certain degree of good natured detachment.”

“Detachment?” Vi was only moderately incredulous. “That nut in the truck wanted to detach your limbs, and there was nothing good natured about the way he was chasing us.”

The Saint easily ascertained Vi’s needs.

“Did I ever tell you about the time I chased myself through the Bavarian hills?”

“Well, considering we have only met twice in our lives, and the first time was when I was a child, and the second time is tonight,” said Vi forcefully, “and you’ve never mentioned Bavaria at all, I shall have to confess that you’ve never told me about the time you chased yourself through the hills of Bavaria. But,” she added, showing her first honest grin of the hour, “I bet I’m going to hear about it now.”

And she did. The Saint spun an astonishing tale of daring do, miraculous getaways, and, in the process, revitalized Vi’s positive, joyous, and victorious attitude. By the time her BMW whipped up to the dual phone booths near the 405 on-ramp, Viola Inselheim Berkman’s emotional condition was back on a solid and self-assured footing.

“We’re really in it now, aren’t we Simon? I mean, are we, that is... will they...”

The Saint smiled compassionately as he set the hand brake.

“No, we’re not going to be arrested. You are not going to jail, and should anyone attempt to link you with tonights festivities, you have an air-tight alibi.”

“An alibi is an excellent idea,” she agreed. “And what, may I ask, is my air-tight alibi?”

“Your alibi,” explained the Saint, “is that you were with me.”

She stared at him, not quite sure if he were having fun or being serious. When she realized he was doing both, she began to laugh. Neither a carefree, melodic manifestation of mirth, nor a tense cackle prompted by nervous hysteria, her weak laughter was born of complete, willful resignation to the improbable and uncontrollable vagaries of the situation. She had asked for big bangs, and the Saint delivered; she summoned the hero of her childhood and he swept her away into the wildest and most exhilarating night of her life — a night she knew was far from over.

“You call Nat and tell him we’re on our way back to Seattle,” instructed the Saint, “while I call your old pal, Dexter Talon.”

“My pal, my...” Vi spat the expletive on the pavement.

Moments later the jingle of falling change rattled the Woodinville GTE phone system to life. Vi assured Nat that all was well; Simon spoke less lovingly to Dexter Talon.

“Howdy, Tex, its your old saddle-pal Simon Templar calling. Listen up, cowboy — before you toddle off to whack Alisdare, I’ve got something important to give you. I know Madison Park, so here’s the plan: sit your bulbous behind down in the bar just up from the corner, guzzle a few beers and smoke three or four packs of coffin nails. Give me forty minutes or so, and by the time your first attack of emphysema kicks in, I’ll be right there to moan and groan over the body. Yeah. Same to ya.” The Saint clanged the receiver back in the cradle, checked the coin return box for change, and whistled his way back to Vi and the BMW.

“Nat was worried as hell,” said Vi, “but he’s calming down. I told him to have a cup of tea and a cinnamon roll.”

“That’ll fix him, alright,” said the Saint.

The black BMW flashed to life, Simon and Vi fastened their seat belts, and the Saint peeled out of the parking lot with all the enthusiasm of an incorrigible adolescent.

“Some men never grow up,” observed Vi, and the Saint was all smiles.

Simon Templar, despite his carefree veneer, was seriously calculating the viability of the evening’s diverse possible scenarios. In mid-thought, a disturbing question came to mind which he asked in a relaxed, off-hand manner.

“Your story about Buzzy at the Seattle Center searching for her long-lost daddy, was that part of your improvisation?”

“No, why?”

“I was rather hoping you concocted that bit of business to throw them off.”

There was a moment of awkward silence, and Simon sensed her embarrassment.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think,” sighed Vi. “I was angry and upset. It’s true — she’s convinced that she’s the offspring of a useless ex-groupie and a famous musician — a fantasy shared by about half the girls like her. With fifteen thousand kids at that concert, and considering the security,” she added hopefully, “do you really think those men could ever get their hands on her?”

Simon prefaced his answer by increasing pressure on the accelerator.

“What was it Alisdare said? ‘Knowing that little brat, she’ll have no trouble getting backstage’?”

Vi’s throat felt dry.

“Yeah. That’s what he said, alright.”

Simon changed lanes, aiming for the 520 interchange. Vi noticed a fleeting expression of displeasure momentarily cloud his countenance.

“Midnight mayhem and daredevil rescues are my meat and potatoes,” declared the Saint, “but the thought of suffering through three minutes of Grand Theft is almost enough to turn me into a vegetarian.”

Vi eyed him with renewed wonderment.

“And that, of all things, is your main concern?”

In truth, the Saint’s mind was not totally untroubled. Talon, Alisdare, and Little Buzzy were not entirely peripheral, but his concentration was keyed primarily to the cryptic comments and buccaneering bravado of Diamond Tremayne. Viola Berkman gazed at the serene skyline of the Queen City — an appreciative appellative bestowed upon Seattle by virtue of Queen Marie of Rumania’s historic visit several decades earlier — and watched one of Boeing’s signature homegrown aircraft arc across the starlit sky.

Chapter 5

How Simon Templar Entered an Elevator, and Little Buzzy Consumed Cauliflower.

1

Seattle, seen from heights of freeway overpasses or aerial overviews, appeared as a pleasant mix of modern technology and small town warmth. For thousands of residents, such was the reality of life in the Pacific Northwest. If she could turn a blind eye to the pain of exploited children, the city would seem perfect. She knew better. For some, there was little or no justice.

Every city needs a saint, and all saints supplicate for assistance. Vi’s supplication brought her Simon Templar, and he had given his assurance that before the sun rose over the Cascades, there would be justice.

The Saint maneuvered easily through the light late-night downtown traffic and soon the distinctive profile of the Westin Hotel loomed before them. Before Simon swung the BMW into the broad circular drive, Vi espied Dan and Ian’s distinctive Volvo wagon parked facing eastbound on Olive Way.

“Bless those boys,” exclaimed the Saint, “they are as fast as they are efficient. Now the fun begins.”

“What fun? What are you talking about? What are we doing now?”

Simon stopped the car, popped the trunk’s release, left the engine running, and opened the door.

“You’re going home to your husband; I’m going to raise hell with the ungodly.”

“Not without me you’re not,” objected Vi. “You’ve put me through too much to put me out now.”

Simon tooted out a rhythm on the car’s horn. The doorman tossed him a quizzical look and the Saint gave him a military salute.

“I’m not ditching you,” Simon clarified as they got out of the car, “you have two important missions to accomplish — first, put on a new pair of hose; second, deposit the check.”

“Check?”

“The one stuck to the front of your refrigerator with a little watermelon shaped magnet,” explained the Saint cheerfully as he retrieved the trunk’s incriminating contents, “It’s a cashier’s check for $10,000 made payable to me and endorsed to you for charitable purposes. It was given to me by Salvadore Alisdare earlier this evening, but save your gratitude for Diamond Tremayne. I’m sure Nat has found it by now, especially if he decided to pummel his innards with more of those pre-fabricated cinnamon rolls.”

As Vi mentally spent the ten thousand dollars, she saw Dan, Ian, and two exceptionally distinguished gentleman respond to Simon’s automotive summons. The two men, elegantly attired and radiating auras of impressive savoir fare, seemed an unlikely pair to accompany Simon’s youthful fans. All four were smiling.

“Look, it’s the Saint!” One of the gentleman was pointing and shouting with mock amazement.

“He’s the Robin Hood of Modern Crime, I hear,” added his companion, “not a bad banjo player, but he spreads melodrama around him like an infectious disease.”

“Oh,” replied the first thoughtfully, “so that’s what he’s been spreading around.”

Vi found herself starring at one of the most juvenile displays ever performed by adult males in public — the Saint dove at the two men, securing one in a playful headlock while the other protested that he didn’t want to wrinkle his suit. Dan and Ian stood aside, beaming with radiant admiration.

“What in the world is going on,” asked Vi, feeling a bit out of the loop.

Having released his willing victim, Simon dragged the two men over for introductions, but it was the taller of the two — a rugged chap with hard bitten features — who spoke first.

“You should know better than to associate with a known criminal, Mrs Berkman, especially one who recycles his old literary efforts and sells them to the movies.”

“Simon and I are old friends,” said Vi extending her hand, “we met several years ago in New York.”

“Yes, but he is a much older friend,”

“I didn’t get your name,” she prompted.

He proffered his card. It was conservative in design and utilitarian in its purposeful understatement. His name — Peter Quentin — was printed in small, dignified type face beneath a larger rendering of his firm’s official name and trademark.

“We’re here for the Maritime Issues Forum,” he explained. The slim, white card also identified him as Executive Vice President of an international corporation who’s logo, designated by two intertwined initials, could have but one anagramatical articulation.

“Exactly how do you pronounce this?” She asked weakly.

“C-Q,” explained the second gentleman as he shook hands. “I’m Roger Conway, the ‘C’ in SeaQue; Peter Quentin here is the ‘Q’ in SeaQue.”

“Simon...” Vi turned to the Saint, her face pleading for explanations. She saw only the world’s most dazzling and irrepressible smile, and eyes sparkling with triumphant mischief.

Dexter Talon lit another stubby cigarette and allowed the smoke to pour out his nose and into the beer hiding in the shadow of his double chin. He nursed the glass’ contents with admirable patience, glanced at the clock above the television, and began putting away the personal mementos of his sordid double-life — a lock of hair, an ankle bracelet, and other scraps left behind by various youths lured to his lair by false promises, or ensnarred to his desires by fear. He placed each item carefully in a shoebox, carried it into the bedroom, and he slid it under the dresser. Ashes dropped from his cigarette’s tip and settled unbroken on the carpet. He smeared them in with his shoe.

Templar had called thirty minutes earlier at least, but Talon tended to lose track of time when admiring his collection. He pulled on his overcoat, took another gulp of beer, adjusted his shoulder holster, and exited his alter-ego’s 8th floor condominium. His big baggy body waddled down the long hallway to the small elevator. While awaiting its arrival, he shoved the brown-stained remains of his current smoke into the bowl-shaped ashtray under the elevator call buttons and looked around nervously. He tried to time his comings and goings as to be of little or no notice to the other tenants. For an incredibly large man, he had mastered the dubious art of the low profile.

The arriving elevator’s musical ding broke his after-hours reverie. Talon poured himself into the cubicle, pressed the parking floor button, and waited for the descent. Less than a minute later, Detective Dexter Talon was ambling across the secured, underground parking garage towards his nondescript, unofficial vehicle — a common brown Plymouth indistinguishable from thousands exactly like it on Seattle’s streets.

As he unlocked the sedan, a strong hand clasped down on his beefy shoulder.

“What ho, Tex,” said the Saint, and his voice was as heated steel slicing through the night’s moist chill.

Talon turned, his keys falling with sharp metallic impact on the gray concrete.

“Saint! How did you get in here,” stammered the Detective, “You said you’d meet me...”

“I say lots of things, butterball,” Simon interrupted, “and any enterprising youth with a bit of patience and a dollop of creativity could make off with every hubcap in sight.”

Simon Templar appeared as self-assured, self-possessed, and completely refreshed as he did several hours earlier. Talon, although he made no reference to the topic, found the Saint’s impeccable personal grooming to be a source of nagging irritation. Rather, the flabby man’s tiny eyeballs seemed to crawl back into their sockets as he nervously looked from side to side. He attempted a gruff retort, but Simon spoke first.

“We’re quite alone, just us two,” said the Saint softly. “I promised you a little gift, and I am a man of my word — something to add a touch of realism to whatever you have planned for Mr Alisdare.” He handed Talon a plastic bag.

“This is a gun,” the Detective said flatly.

“Brilliant. I’ll recommend you for a promotion. Don’t touch it. It has Alisdare’s prints all over it. It may come in handy.”

The disgusting man’s lower lip quivered with emotion, and the Saint controlled a near overwhelming impulse to split that lip with a strong right uppercut.

“Thanks, Saint. I don’t know why you’re helpin’ a guy like me, especially after I used your name and all.”

If Talon expected compassionate warmth and comraderie to issue forth from Simon Templar, he was summarily disappointed.

“If you ever mention my name again, even in passing, I promise I’ll have you killed. Period. Do you understand me? For your information, I do have a gang. I have instructed them to watch your back tonight when you meet Alisdare, except if you mention my name. If you do, it will be the last thing you ever say. Observe that simple rule, and if only one man walks away alive from your little meeting, that one man will be you.”

Had Talon been face to face with a ferocious jungle cat, he could not have been more terrified than he was at that moment. It was as if every primal and dangerous aspects of the Saint’s personality were manifest before him as twin shafts of ice-blue light reflected in the cold depths of Simon’s ethereal azure eyes.

Not another word was spoken, Talon bent down to retrieving his keys, and the Saint was gone. He listened for Simon’s footsteps but heard only the erratic buzzing of a flickering fluorescent light and the gentle waves of Lake Washington lapping against the outer rim of the garage. He let out a long, laborious sigh, tucked the plastic bag under his coat, and clumsily stuffed another smoke between his thick, dry lips. It shook so hard he could not light it. A sudden cold breeze blew in from Lake Washington, whistling between the lot’s solid concrete columns, and his baggy body wobbled and shuddered in response.

Detective Dexter Talon, alias Tex Nolan, muttered an unseemly expression under his labored breath as he plopped into the driver’s seat, started the ignition, and activated the electronic garage door opener attached to his visor.

The Saint, from a vantage point of concealment, watched the large garage gate rise in response. He saw the Plymouth pass out of the lot, drive up the incline and turn right on the one-way street. In the back of Talon’s car were most of the contents from Salvadore Alisdare’s personal safe. Most, but not all. There was one item retrieved from Emerald City that was, at that very moment, being returned to its rightful owner. And the Saint smiled, for he knew that neither he nor Little Buzzy, nor any of Seattle’s children of the night, would ever see Dexter Talon again.

The Saint exited by simply reversing his clandestine method of entrance, and allowed himself a few minutes of peaceful repose. He sat on the park bench situated to the building’s North, as would any comfortable Madison Park resident, and admired the scenic panorama. A young couple walked a large dog along the sidewalk, and a few boats peppered the lake with bright running lights. To his left, the Evergreen Point bridge stretched across Lake Washington. To his right, although his vision was partially blocked by high-rise condominiums, majestic Mt. Rainier seemed to rise in snow-covered glory behind the Mercer Island Floating Bridge. He soon stood from the bench and walked purposefully towards the high-rise’s front door, arriving exactly at the moment an elderly lady, having been carefully delivered home by relatives, turned her key in the lock.

“Allow me,” said Simon graciously, holding open the door.

She had one minor moment of suspicion, but the man smiled so sweetly, and was so deliriously handsome, that he could never be a burglar or a purse snatcher.

“I don’t believe I’ve seen you here before,” said the woman sweetly as the elevator door enclosed her with the Saint.

“I’m in town on business,” said Simon without elaboration.

“How nice,” she responded automatically, “My son-in-law is an accountant. He and my daughter took me to see that silly Pirate movie with Emilio Hernandez in it. It had all sorts of noisy action, but you know young people like that sort of thing.”

The Saint smiled and nodded.

“What kind of business are you in?” The woman’s desire for conversation remained acute, and although the elevator door opened on the 3rd floor, she waited for his answer before exiting.

“Diamonds,” said the Saint warmly, “I evaluate Diamonds.”

“Oh. Well, if you have any spares...”

They both laughed, she left, and Simon pushed the button for floor number 8. The night’s events were clicking together with the predictability of precision tumblers. He pictured Talon parking that old Plymouth on upper Madison, preparing for the penultimate rendezvous. As for Salvadore, Simon was not concerned about the little man with the wet brow and unsavory predilections. He knew Alisdare was in good hands.

2

“Unhand me, you villains!” Alisdare wailed and flailed but to no avail. The two elegant men had him sussed and trussed, having first tossed him as a chef would a reluctant salad.

“Templar and I had a deal, honest,” objected Salvadore, who had been bleating and pleading ever since the two malevolent gents manifested themselves unannounced within the supposedly secure confines of Emerald City Catering.

Prior to the dramatic interruption, Alisdare disconnected his make-believe SeaQue answering machine and checked the contents of his personal safe. As he expected, it was essentially empty. The jittery fellow made several unkind comments to himself about Simon Templar, and wished that the Saint had at least left him his micro-recorder.

“You are the noisiest little fellow,” remarked Peter Quentin as he disdainfully stuffed a serviette in Alisdare’s gapping yammer.

Salvadore, bereft of speech, yelled with his eyes.

“Calm down, fruitcake,” advised Roger Conway, “you’re liable to pop a ventricle.”

“Really,” concurred Quentin, “if you realized how committed we are to your eternal future, you’d be waxing positively rhapsodic.”

“Rhapsodic?” Conway questioned the word’s very existence.

“Similar to Quixotic, only more syncopated,” explained Peter.

As for Alisdare, he was unamused and thoroughly traumatized. He had allowed himself several moments of self-congratulatory indulgence on his way into Seattle during which he gloated over his superior intelligence, celebrated his outwitting of Simon Templar, and anticipated further milking of a reluctant bovine named Dexter Talon. Now, much to his dismay, two roughs cut from cloth similar to the Saint’s were making his life a living hell.

Conway and Quentin’s immediate leap from Sea-Tac’s British Airway’s terminal into the mid-most heart of a full-throttle Saintly adventure was the perfect antidote to international jet lag. With nothing to hide and minimal luggage, they passed swiftly through airport security, discovered two young men holding aloft a clumsily scrawled drawing of a familiar stick figure, and immediately knew there was more adventure on the menu than simply a birthday surprise for Barney Malone.

They quickly absorbed the verbal rush of information and admiration poured forth by Dan and Ian, experiencing an adrenaline tinged nostalgia for those precious years past when nights of adventure and days of danger were common occurrences. A brief perfunctory reunion and strategy session with the Saint outside the Westin strengthened their resolve to reinforce their reputations for justifiable outlawry — reputations modified in recent years by enviable financial success in diversified business interests consolidated under the auspices of their self-named firm. The inescapable fact that their empire’s initial capitol funding derived from exploits chronicled in earlier editions of the Saga was never far from their minds, nor were they from the thoughts of a devil-may-care rascal with fire in his ice-blue eyes and a never-ending penchant for improbable and profitable escapades. Roger Conway and Peter Quentin long ago resigned themselves to the unalterable reality that their lives and fortunes were forever wedded, directly or indirectly, for better or worse, to the sign of the Saint.

“How many times have you saved the Saint’s life,” asked Ian as the battered Volvo rattled Northbound on 1–5 from Sea-Tac to the Westin.

“One time too many,” joked Conway.

“That makes us about even,” said Quentin dryly, and the two post-adolescents in the front seat grinned unabashedly from ear to ear.

Salvadore Alisdare failed to appreciate either Peter’s dry wit or Conway’s upbeat mannerisms until such time as the two offered a cursory explanation for their intrusive and abrasive behavior.

“We have a gift for you, shortstuff,” announced Peter graciously. He held Alisdare’s micro-recorder lightly in his right palm. “As you’re the rightful owner, it’s only proper for you to keep it close to your heart.”

Salvadore vibrated silently, the serviette’s tail flapping against his chin.

“And we have a charming little tape to go with it,” added Roger, “I previewed side one and discovered a disgusting exchange between Dexter Talon and a certain underage street kid — a conversation custom made for blackmail — and decided you should record an incriminating sequel on side two.”

Alisdare’s pleading piggy eyes begged questions; Peter yanked the gag from the squirming victim’s mouth.

“You’re not gonna hurt me?” Salvadore was near incredulous.

“Heaven’s no,” said Roger seriously as he leaned down into Alisdare’s wet little face, “we want you happy, healthy, and wired for sound.”

Bleary eyes darted back and forth between the Saint’s two elegant henchmen.

“Templar and I...”

“Yes, we know,” interrupted Roger Conway who had located a handy cache of Brine Time Pickles and was crunching his way through a large, flavorful, dill, “you had a deal. You still have a deal. We’re just making sure everything goes as planned.”

“True,” concurred Peter dispassionately, “we strap this recorder to your svelte and alluring self, you get even more incriminating verbiage on tape, plus pocket a few hundred bucks in the process. More power to you, Mr Alisdare.”

Conway, rummaging happily through various drawers and cupboards, retrieved a roll of reinforced packing tape and eyed Alisdare as if measuring him for a new suit.

“Unbutton that unflattering shirt, Alisdare,” prompted Peter. Salvadore, seeing unfettered cooperation as his most viable option, daintily complied.

“Toss me that recorder,” interrupted Roger, “I almost forgot something.”

Alisdare looked nervously at Conway and Roger rolled his eyes mockingly.

“No, I’m not hooking it up to some sort of high-tech detonator so we can blow you and Talon to a billion disgusting bits, although that is a cheery thought,” said Conway, “there is simply a little touch, requested by the Saint, which I almost overlooked.”

With the recorder in his possession, Roger turned his back and slid open the cassette compartment. Alisdare could hear the ripping of hard paper and he wondered exactly what this emissary of Simon Templar was up to.

“There we go,” confirmed Conway as he handed the recorder back to Quentin, “let’s turn this little man into a walking sound studio.”

And that is exactly what they did before the two dapper gents escorted Salvadore Alisdare out the door of Emerald City Catering.

A sharp damp breeze swept up from Puget Sound and swirled the scent of salt and sea through the sullen side streets of Capitol Hill. Alisdare turned up his collar, checked his watch, and stared at his shoes. He desperately wanted this night to be over, or at least fast-forwarded to more enticing interaction at either the Tropicana or a non-descript motel in White Center.

A Camaro rumbled by with its windows down and dance music vibrating its uniframe construction. The rhythms reminded Alisdare of Elmo’s Arcade where dancing girls of limited financial means had unlimited weaknesses for men with adequate money or unending supplies of stimulating chemicals. He found temporary comfort in memories unfit for description augmented by fantasies of getting one up on Simon Templar.

The dark sleek ribbon of Madison Street stretched like an asphalt incision across the belly of Seattle. Alisdare, flanked by Conway and Quentin, wished for daylight. He knew that somewhere under the fleeting cloud cover and erratic nocturnal illumination was Diamond Tremayne. He would have to give her a good talking to, that was for sure.

“Treasure,” muttered Salvadore under his foul breath, and for one fleeting moment he wondered if he had been played for a sap all along.

“Nothing personal, dear fruit,” advised Conway, “but I must confirm that we don’t really like you very much.”

“I’m sure we could have all been dear friends,” replied Alisdare sarcastically, “if Simon Templar wanted it that way.”

Peter tossed a threatening arm around Salvadore’s hunched shoulders.

“The Saint is a most practical pirate,” explained Quentin, “he understands your peculiar talents, sympathizes with your habits, and shares many of your more exciting interests. It is simply that he doesn’t trust you, especially after Snookum’s did his best to cut short Simon’s adventurous career. A silly, useless effort, to be sure.”

Salvadore’s heart almost exploded in his chest, and his knees began to quake. Peter squeezed him comfortingly.

“Now, don’t be concerned. Simon’s fine; Snookums has never been better, and the Saint has no intention of ever telling anyone about your meth lab or anything else. His only concern is that you meet Talon as planned and that you get even more juicy blackmail material.”

The two men guided their reluctant companion towards the brighter lights of Madison.

“There is only one condition upon which we insist,” added Roger emphatically, “and that is that you make no mention of the Saint, Mrs Berkman, or us when conversing with Talon — after all, you don’t want to blackmail yourself, now do you?”

Alisdare wobbled his head in resigned agreement.

“Good boy,” affirmed Conway, “and you can feel confident that we will be keeping close watch on you the entire time. And if you’re worried about Talon, don’t be. We won’t let him do anything to jeopardize our plans.”

As they came close to the designated rendezvous, Peter reached inside the miserable little man’s shirt and activated the recorder, then roughly squeezed Alisdare’s pudgy, putty cheeks. Salvadore flinched and pulled back. The two men stared at him ominously and sent him on his way.

Salvadore Alisdare inhaled Seattle’s mist-washed air and filled his mind with ugly thoughts. Partially due to the disease of conceit, he could convolute any situation’s implications to reinforce his self-aggrandizing perspective. All life’s scenarios spotlighted him at the center of attention, the man in control, the one with others under his thumb. He pictured himself lording it over Talon and, in the final analysis, outwitting the Saint for possession of the Costello Treasure. He even entertained an unmentionable mental illustration involving Diamond Tremayne — the distance between the image and any probable reality was even a stretch for him — but he allowed the fantasy to linger precariously on the ledge of his consciousness while he put one small foot before the other and disappeared forever down the dark alley off Madison.

Detective Dexter Talon of the Seattle Police Department recognized the tell-tale clatter of Alisdare’s tiny shoes echoing off the back street’s graffiti covered walls. He had preceded Alisdare to their oily rendezvous by several minutes, and although well prepared for their planned consultation, he was not thinking about Alisdare — he was thinking about the Saint, and doing so with begrudging appreciation.

Were it not for the Saint, Talon rightly reasoned, he would not be rehearsing murder in his mind, mentally planting a finger-print laden revolver in Salvadore’s limp hand, or preparing an official explanation of how he happened to kill a caterer in self defense. Were it not for Simon Templar’s emphatic assurances that certain incriminating photographs and negatives were destroyed, that the Saint would never lend the weight of his reputation nor the muscle of his rapid-fire mind to any blackmailer’s efforts — no matter how repulsive the victim — Talon would not feel empowered to give Salvadore anything beyond the payoffs and tip-offs the little weasel demanded. Tonight was different; tonight was a night of justice and vindication during which Talon would be released from the little leech with reptile eyes who gorged himself on other’s sins. From now on, thought Dexter Talon to himself, things would be different. Maybe he would leave the force, take his concealed wealth and make the move about which he often fantasized. Perhaps he would quit smoking, lose weight, stop drinking, take a geographic cure by relocating to California, and do something safe, normal, and moral.

Staring up into the night’s soft darkness beyond the blaring neon of a nearby cocktail lounge’s battered service entrance, he saw himself in sunnier southern climes, a hundred pounds lighter, clean and sober, happy and smiling, cheerfully opening a school bus door, greeting the children one and all as they clamored aboard chattering of classes and carrying their lunch pails. He sensed the redolence of inexpensive perfumes and colognes mixed with scents of hairspray and skin cream — obligatory olfactory identifiers of energetic adolescents, children Buzzy’s age, the age of his own daughter when he committed that which repelled and revulsed her, denying him her affection forever.

The final thought thrust the immoral man’s mind back to unpleasant reality, and Talon’s grip tightened around the butt of his weapon. He cursed an involuntary outburst of self-loathing, spewing smoke, phlegm, and weak regrets into the filthy drain grate at this feet.

He wasn’t going anywhere and he knew it. He was never going to change his weight, his habits, his passions. He would kill Alisdare, cover his tracks, and return to haunt and hunt his easy prey. He relinquished all illusions and unblinkingly acknowledged his personal identity: a crooked cop and predatory pedophile about to become a cold blooded murderer. And he didn’t regret any of it. Not now, not with Salvadore Alisdare standing ten feet away grinning coldly with that sick expression of slimy superiority.

Talon felt bile rising in his throat and the desire to see Alisdare die was almost overwhelming. He didn’t know if he would vomit before or after pulling the trigger. Talon swallowed hard, squared his enormous shoulders, and began his final conversation with the man who, with no motive beyond exploitation of another’s moral weaknesses, connected him to Little Buzzy and had made him pay and pay over and over again.

Roger Conway and Peter Quentin did not wait to hear the gunshots that punctuated the final unsavory conversation between two equally disgusting men. Those shots, as the next-day’s newspaper would dutifully detail, were from a .38 service revolver. They perforated the lungs of an allegedly armed and dangerous low-life miscreant named Salvadore Alisdare and killed him dead. It was, according to Detective Dexter Talon’s written report, an act of self defense. In reality, it was an act of justice orchestrated with justifiable pride by Simon Templar, alias the Saint. Far removed from the alley of death, the relaxed and unperturbed embodiment of masculine charm was admiring the Lake Washington view from Dexter Talon’s Madison Park condominium.

The Saint had easily entered the high-priced apartment and quickly uncovered the luxurious lair’s concealed secrets — the box of souvenirs, the wall safe, the hollowed out books — and conservatively estimated the combined value of illicit currency and illegally obtained gems at approximately fifty-thousand dollars. Despite the valuable booty, expensive locale, and expansive view, Talon’s secondary domicile reeked of bad taste and unpleasant associations.

The Saint helped himself to a single shot of fine whiskey from the cherrywood liquor cabinet, and settled back into the one comfortable leather-clad lounger.

“I’m betting on the roof,” said Simon evenly to the empty room, “I’m wagering on less than ten minutes, and the Saint bids diamonds.”

He was, of course, absolutely correct.

Seven minutes later, the first fleeting shadow moved across the outer patio. A single black cord descended to within three feet of the deck, and down it came a comely shape fashioned for adult tastes. The inky figure softly slid aside the patio door and crept cat-like into the room. The night sky’s scant illumination silhouetted a sleek feminine form of breathtaking beauty. Her movements, fluid and graceful, primal and elegant, were animated art in three dimensions. The Saint’s night vision clearly perceived her outfit’s impressive imitation of jet black epidermis, and he suppressed a soft whistle of honest appreciation.

To describe her as draped head to toe in skin-tight fabric would be a reversal of visual reality. It was more as if her alluring curves were lovingly hand ladled into sheer ebony, or a dedicated cadre of classical sculptors concentrated their combined talents in fashioning her perfectly proportioned figure from the finest onyx.

With stealth and self-assurance she removed a slim black flashlight from her waist pouch and triggered a thin beam of illumination. The light shaft slowly swept the room. As it approached the corner where Simon silently sat, he triggered a matching beam of his own.

“My, my, my,” murmured the Saint.

“Said the spider to the fly,” completed Diamond Tremayne melodically.

Beam to beam they faced each other, two pinpoints of light merging into one. The Saint reached up and switched on a small reading lamp, increasing the room’s illumination by enough minimum wattage to further highlight his visitor’s enchanting characteristics.

“I’m pleased to see more of you, Ms Tremayne,” began the Saint honestly, “and you’ve never looked better.”

“I’ve certainly seen better,” countered Diamond, blinking her eyes into adjustment, “were you anticipating someone else?”

“I did have a momentary twinge,” confessed Simon as he stood and approached her, “that some unexpected secondary character would come crawling out of the heat ducts dripping with unrevealed associations and hidden motives.”

“You’ve read too many mass-market paperbacks, Mr Templar,” she said conversationally, and her smile was exceptionally inviting. “In real life, women such as myself are consistently guilty of being as clever as we seem.”

The Saint found her more than attractive. In fact, she was beginning to manifest positive perfection. Simon gestured toward the liquor cabinet, offering her refreshment.

“No thanks, I never drink when I’m working.”

“You appear dressed for play, if you ask me,” observed the Saint, “and I believe you’re not the least bit surprised to find me waiting for you.”

Diamond cocked an irreverent and questioning eyebrow at her debonair host.

“Your perfume entered the room well before you,” explained Simon. “Were solitude your honest expectation, the thought of daubing pulse points with pheromones would never occur to you. What’s the fragrance, Midnight Marauder?”

Tremayne slid her sleek physique to the long couch and curled up in the corner as would a petulant school girl.

“No,” she replied with criminal pride, “Grand Theft.”

She was good. Very good. Simon Templar had known women of all calibers on both sides of justice, and the delicious damsel calling herself Diamond Tremayne ranked right alongside such assertive heroines and lawless ladies from his notorious past as Jill Trelawney and “Straight Audrey” Perowne. The Saint regarded her with iron sight before sitting down and leaning dangerously close. She slowly uncurled, stretching her long legs languidly as would an awakening cat.

“You’re name is not Diamond,” he said smoothly, “and unless this adventure has more coincidences than even I can accept, you are also not a Tremayne.”

“No? And would that be because one of your early friends — one of that dedicated band of reckless young men so brilliantly led — was named Dicky Tremayne, later husband of the notorious Audrey Perowne, alias Anusia Marova, who, along with her beloved, fled to South America oh so many years ago?”

Simon knew she was toying with him, demonstrating a detailed scholarship of his personal history thorough enough to rival even the encyclopaedic erudition of Daniel and Ian. He found her easy familiarity oddly endearing and peculiarly affectionate. She searched his eyes for reaction and found gleaming chips of sapphire tinted encouragement.

Pleased, she laughed aloud while tossing back her luxurious hair and raising her rib cage provocatively, which is not to say that provocation was her intention, but rather Simon Templar’s involuntary reaction.

“Coincidences are always coinciding,” she teased, “it is one of their peculiar attributes.”

The Saint patiently waited for her laughter to subside, which it did momentarily before beginning again. At length, her excursion into humor fulfilled, she admitted the falsity of her moniker.

“I chose the name ‘Tremayne’ especially for your benefit,” she confessed easily, inching slyly in his direction. “Because of the association with your past, I figured you’d spot it as an alias immediately, especially with ‘Diamond’ stuck on the front. And you must admit,” she continued moving closer, “dreaming up that Costello Treasure scenario was a stroke of genius, and I happen to be the strokeable genius of whom I am speaking.”

The previous sentence was spoken by lips no more than a sweet-scented breath away from those of Simon Templar. Her seductively libidinous inclinations thus succinctly telegraphed and aromatically augmented by the near intoxicating impact of her liberally applied attar, a moment of lithe silence suspended their interaction in soft, musk-laden limbo.

The Saint could feel the heat and pulse of her, and it is no detraction from his pre-ordained role as our story’s stalwart and uncompromising hero to affirm his response as decidedly and thoroughly human.

“Were I a younger man of easy virtue...” began Simon, but the pearls of his utterance remained unstrung.

“Were you a younger man of easy virtue,” completed Diamond Tremayne, her lips touching his as she spoke, “I would not be doing this.”

It will no more surprise readers of this saga than it did Simon Templar that she kissed him passionately, and with honest, vigorous enthusiasm. The Saint, forever the gentleman, returned the favor with equal ardor, commensurate ebullience, and consummate skill. Whether from years of experience, or simply by virtue of the situation’s electric spontaneity, it must be said that what he did, he did quite well.

A period of interaction devoid of dialog interrupted the adventure’s narrative until such time as her soft cheek rested on his shoulder and one black sheathed calf twined around his perfectly tailored trouser leg.

“I love poetry,” she intoned softly, wistfully.

The Saint could not resist such an obvious opportunity.

“There was a young lady from Exeter, and all the young boys wanted...”

She pushed him roughly off the couch and snapped a caustic jest regarding male sensitivity and chivalrous romanticism. They laughed at the absurdity of the moment.

Diamond Tremayne, from Simon’s vantage point on the carpet, appeared delightfully disheveled for a cat burgler. He took hold of her right foot and massaged the arch. She purred, squirming in her Danskins.

“Now, Ms Tremayne,” said Simon Templar as if interviewing her for a potential position in the secretarial pool, “tell me where you fit in this puzzle of evil predators, pickle packers, real estate attorneys, and drug crazed caterers.”

“Really, Saint, do you mean to tell me that the 20th Century’s Brightest Buccaneer hasn’t deciphered all the clues?”

“I’ve never claimed a degree in detection,” stated Simon as he increased pressure on the ball of her well-formed foot. She resisted his touch slightly by pulling her leg up, but he coaxed it back down. “It’s apparent that you know almost everything about me there is to know, have been tracking me since the moment I arrived in Seattle...”

“Before Seattle,” clarified Tremayne with a podiatristic wince, “I’ve been either right behind you or two weeks ahead of you for over six months. I was inventing the Costello Treasure story Alisdare told you long before the hydrofoil docked from Vancouver, and when you met Olav Lunde for lunch in Ballard...”

The Saint, impressed, increased his pressure on the reflexive sensitive pleasure-centers as he interrupted her explanation.

“And what do you know about Olav Lunde?”

“He’s a Krigsseiler — Norwegian Seaman War Veteran intimate with every detail of the USS Amber, aka the Polaris. In 1930, his father was employed by John Barrymore and Dolores Costello. That’s why you had lunch with him, Saint. You were after the real Costello Treasure the minute you came to town, which is exactly the reason I convinced Alisdare to pitch you on recovering it. I knew you would smell more than lobster fra diavola, and jump into the fray like a trouper.”

“My outlaw’s intuition told me I’d entered a play that was already in the third act,” admitted the Saint, “playing my part as close to someone’s imagined script as possible. Am I that predictable?”

Diamond smiled with as much compassion as good humor.

“Well, you’re the Saint. When I made my career choice, you became the object of my living masters thesis because you are the living master.”

“That sounds half-esoteric,” noted the Saint sarcastically, his strong fingers working the area between her toes.

She loosed a short laugh and quick gasp as he pressed a tender spot.

“Really, you are the original modern-day Robin Hood, the headache of cops and crooks alike.”

“You forgot to say ‘the devil with dames’.”

And with that, she was on him. It was a fluid pounce worthy of the finest female panther. In truth, he saw it coming and did not resist. She sat astride his chest, her knees atop his shoulders, her exquisite features and full red lips precariously close to his own.

“Considering they call you the Saint, you sure don’t act like one.”

“Perhaps I dropped my halo behind the couch,” suggested Simon. He could have tossed her off with no difficulty, but he rather enjoyed her playful one-upmanship. Besides, he wanted answers. An illusion of ascendency may be the position most conducive to truth-telling. As usual, his intuition was right on target.

“I made a complete study of you, Simon Templar. Every caper, every crime attributed or undeniable. I’ve examined your methods, both mercurial and predictable. But most of all, I’ve scrutinized your motives.”

“Please, go on”

“Justice — the best beloved of all things in your sight is justice,” insisted Tremayne.

“Well, I’ve also had a fond appreciation for precious gems and negotiable currency,” added Simon.

She shook her head. She was astonishingly beautiful.

“You’ve had enough loot to last anyone several lifetimes — at least you would have if you didn’t keep giving the bulk of your booty to charity. No, despite whatever crazy concepts of adventure got you into this game, you’ve become the man of your own legend, the embodiment of your own image, private enterprise personified with a heart of gold.”

She kissed him again, and while it is not germane to the plot, it is a fact that he kissed her in return.

“You forgot to mention that I’m a published author and frequent guest on America’s most asinine talk shows.”

She smirked and continued her lecture.

“I always wanted to be just like you, but not make the big mistake you made.”

The implication that he had made a big mistake dampened any enthusiasm for an immediate return to kissing volleys.

“Mistake?”

“Leaving that silly stick man logo all over the place in the old days.”

“It’s now a registered trademark,” added the Saint.

“You couldn’t resist being the famous Simon Templar.”

“And obviously,” countered the Saint, “neither could you.”

“Touché,” she said, and stood up. “There were pirate women who sailed the seas, Simon, many of them as keen, crafty, and adventurous as any parrot-toting brawler with a peg leg.”

“Knock on wood,” agreed Simon, pegging her legs as those of a dancer.

She regarded him seriously for a moment.

“You’re very charming, Mr Templar, but I didn’t come here for a high-school date. Besides, this place gives me the creeps. Where’s the loot?”

The Saint politely gave her the guided tour of Talon’s lair, concluding with a full inventory of cash, gems, and less attractive elements of the detective’s life-style.

“We both came here for the same reason, Saint,” stated Diamond with near corporate inflection, “and I hope we have the same plans for Talon’s ill-gotten gain.”

Simon divided the booty in half on the kitchen table.

“Ten percent for me, ninety percent becomes an anonymous donation to Viola Berkman’s humanitarian efforts,” explained the Saint, “I’ll trust you with half and expect that you’ll do the same.”

“Something along those lines,” responded Tremayne slyly as she filled her black bag with booty.

She turned towards the patio door as if she could exit as enigmatically and unhindered as she arrived. The Saint seized her arm firmly, but not roughly.

“I believe I’m entitled to a few more answers,” insisted the Saint, but he let loose her arm lest she fear his intentions.

She smiled with pride and studied his face for some time before responding.

“If you really want the complete story, keep that appointment at the Islands Airlines counter at Sea-Tac at 10am. Neah Bay is lovely this time of year.”

Simon was not about to be put off. For all he knew, Diamond Tremayne would never be seen nor heard from again.

“I’m taking a chance letting you leave as it is,” said the Saint, and everything about him confirmed that he was certainly capable of restraining her, and that was not lost on Ms Tremayne.

“You’re simply not used to friendly competition,” said Diamond, “and it was not even really competition. I needed you to arrange the one part of this caper that I couldn’t do myself — the one part I knew the Saint would handle perfectly, as I am sure you will. As I also wanted the opportunity to, shall we say, make your acquaintance, it was killing two birds with one stone.”

The Saint understood.

“The two dead birds being Talon and Alisdare.”

She nodded.

“At least those two, if not more. I could do everything else — manipulate, infiltrate, investigate, influence who got invited to your media party and even suggest the caterer — but wooing and winning, cajoling and controlling, is not the same as killing. I was after Talon and Alisdare with a vengeance.”

“What about Rasnec?”

She chuckled.

“He’s a sweetheart, with the emphasis on sweet, if you get what I mean. I made perfect window dressing for his personal life. Smart when it comes to real estate investment, dumb as a post when it comes to who he allows to be in business with him. The only real interest he has in Chesters or Elmo’s is the monthly profit and loss statements and how soon he can do something respectable with the property. He may put a good portion of his wealth in Karl Krogstad’s latest venture, among other things.”

“Lucky Karl,” murmured the Saint.

“The crooked real estate investor is one cliché you won’t find in this story, Simon.”

He regarded her thoughtfully, glanced at the clock above Talon’s television, and realized they didn’t have much time. Diamond shifted her weight and stepped closer to the patio.

“Alisdare believed I was going to keep you away from Berkman and Talon,” continued Tremayne, “He also believed there really was a valuable Costello Treasure, which, of course, there is. He was clueless about the name SeaQue — he wouldn’t know that you would recognize the name — so he went right along with my plan. But you and I know that the treasure isn’t in Neah Bay and there are no gems of inestimable value aboard the sunken Polaris.”

“Because the Polaris never sank,” asserted Simon, “and there was never a Norwegian cryptologist named Dagfinn Varnes. You tipped your hand early on to Viola Berkman, fabricated the Costello Treasure ruse for several inter-related reasons; (a) to con Alisdare into approaching me and giving me $10,000, (b) to have me take off to Neah Bay with, of all people, you to stay at a bed and breakfast owned by Arthur Rasnec. Was Arthur going to cook us eggs and sausage?”

“Be at Sea-Tac at ten in the morning and you’ll find out exactly what Arthur is cooking up,” answered Diamond cheerfully, “now, shouldn’t you be off doing something horrid to Alisdare and Talon?”

“It’s been done.” He said it with such icy finality that a shiver raced down Diamond’s spine and her scalp felt a size too small for her head.

“But you’re here and they’re meeting way up on Madison,” she stammered, her further objections stopped short of expression. She knew he was serious.

“How did you do it?”

She was obviously and honestly mystified. Simon realized at that moment that she had no idea that Roger and Peter’s SeaQue enterprise was, relative to the adventure, anything more than an oblique bit of arcane trivia.

Simon flashed his famous saintly smile, appearing as pure and innocent as his sobriquet could imply.

“The most simple explanation in the world.”

She waited to hear it, and it was worth the wait.

“I am the Saint,” said Simon Templar, and that settled that.

3

Detective Dexter Talon stood over the lifeless body of Salvadore Alisdare and admired his handiwork. He couldn’t afford to gloat, not with patrolmen standing around taking notes. It was good. Very good. The little weasel was greatly improved by death, and the gun clutched in his dead hand bore convincing testimony to Talon’s assertion of self-defense. An autopsy would confirm massive amounts of illegal intoxicants in Alisdare’s system — drugs known to stimulate aggressive, violent, and unpredictable behavior.

Talon’s sausage-like fingers fumbled their way into his tiny cigarette pack, extracted another plain-end length of nicotine, and stuffed it between his large leathery lips. He looked again at Alisdare, rejoicing in silence. There was paperwork and official explanations ahead of him, but they were gratifying closure to a repellent relationship. From whatever angle it was viewed, this episode was more cut and dried than a shoot-out during a convenience store robbery.

Salvadore’s little carcass was scooped into a black body bag, transported to the King County Morgue, and delivered as a matter of routine to Mr Surush Josi, the Nepalese lover of Broadway show tunes who whistled while he worked.

The Saint whistled as well — a melodic ditty of short duration distinguished by a lilting repetitive motif — as he drove his rented Chevrolet up Madison and past a bustling crime scene. There was no reason for Simon to slow down. He knew the perpetrator, the victim, and the eventual outcome. Simon Templar had other musicological items on his mind — according to authoritative KOL radio reporter George Garret intoning from the dashboard, Grand Theft was nearing their grand finale at the Concert of the Decade where, if one were to believe Mr Garret, the crowd was going crazy.

“Due, no doubt, to auditory discomfort,” said the Saint.

While Simon Templar amused himself with jest, Grand Theft set new standards in high decibel distortion before an acre of wildly flailing fans. The screaming multitudes — all sizes, a variety of ages from pre-pubescent to second childhood, and arrayed in overstated costumes revealing greater and lesser degrees of flesh and taste — seemed not only impervious to the ear splitting blare, but positively delighted by it.

The screaming crowd rolled in waves of manifest adrenalin, squealing and squirming, leaping and writhing, smashing themselves again and again against the hard wood of the high rise stage and the equally immovable barricade of beefy security guards. Above the band, a large screen pulsated with pinks and paisleys projected in combination with repetitive clips of public domain industrial films by Seattle’s famed Retina Circus Light Show.

Crowbar Schwartz wiped a fresh, dry towel across his dripping forehead and beamed with delight at his ocean of adoring fans. His bandmates, equally pleased, repositioned microphones and double-checked amp volume in preparation for the second selection of their first encore.

“Here’s a real memory maker for ya,” yelled Crowbar, “a million seller from our first album...”

The roar was deafening.

“Its a foot-tappin’ latin number — Lux Sit and Dance!”

His right arm swooped down in dramatic overstatement, striking something resembling a chord in intent but sounding like a train wreck in reality. The audience cheered, a renewed wave of undulating humanity surged with one rampant will towards the stage — the singular and noteworthy exception being an attractive, if waif-like young woman whose hair appeared to have been shaped by the jagged edge of a broken milk bottle. With stoic silence and singularity of purpose, she seriously contemplated the finer points of backstage security, She knew what to do. She had heard the story countless times before — the episode of braggadocio and verve which allowed her mother to pierce the shield of fame — a story who’s anecdotal climax resulted in her own birth, her mother’s disillusionment, and a street-wise adolescent’s disastrous quest for identity.

“Like mother, like daughter,” murmured Buzzy. Ruffling her hen-house haircut and squaring her little shoulders, she swung her hips and leaned her lips to the receptive young man entrusted with guarding the Coliseum’s most private recesses. His eyes widened when she whispered a detailed litany of false promises and enticing innuendos. Little Buzzy, soon adorned with an all-access backstage pass, crossed the Coliseum’s inviable perimeter and headed for the dressing rooms. She knew the routine; she could almost hear Mom’s voice, strangely sober, guiding her through the concrete labyrinth. If backstage needed a map or guide, Mom knew where X marked the spot.

“If you’re inside the dressing room,” Mom once reminisced over a bottle of rum, “all you have to deal with is the catering service’s cold cuts, warm beer, and a dozen other groupies just like you — all pirates after the same treasure.”

The Saint swung right on 6th Avenue, maneuvered his way to west of Aurora Avenue and finally into the southside parking lot of a brightly lit Denny’s Restuarant. Next to him sat a distinctive, cosmetically distressed, and battle weary Volvo; situated across the side street was the Tropicana Motel. Simon Templar exited his car, meeting two men emerging from the station wagon.

“I saw a gaggle of cop cars convening on Madison Street,” commented the Saint.

“Of course,” confirmed Quentin, “they were celebrating Talon’s expert marksmanship.”

“And Alisdare’s impersonation of a grounded flounder,” added Conway with no remorse.

“No doubt you’ve been keeping our twin sycophants entertained with exaggerated stories of your ignominious past,” said the Saint.

“The past has been very good to me, I’ll have you know,” asserted Peter, “and ignominious is too big a word.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely,” Roger jumped in, “violates the minimum syllable ordinance.”

“When verbosity is outlawed, only outlaws will be verbose,” agreed the Saint.

Peter lifted the Volvo’s rear hatch, pulled out a bundle of clothing and handed it to the Saint.

“The outfit you ordered Mr Templar, and a little badge to go with it. All this high fashion is courtesy of Emerald City Catering and the late Salvadore Alisdare, as are the delicious pickles Roger’s been eating.”

“Oh, I thought he simply found a new vinaigrette cologne,” responded Simon waving to the two smiling fans gesticulating at him from the front seat, “did you pull your Child Protective Services act for the folks at the motel?”

Peter nodded.

“In this suit, I look respectable enough to be Chairman of the Childrens Home Society,” confirmed Quentin, “I showed them one of those cropped shots highlighting her hairdo. If those thugs show up, even if they’ve got Buzzy stuffed in the trunk, it’ll be one quick call to 911 with Viola Berkman waiting in the wings.”

“I’m wagering it doesn’t get that far,” said the Saint seriously, “and towards that end, I’m prepared to make the supreme sacrifice.”

Roger coughed mockingly.

“Let’s see, for Simon Templar the supreme sacrifice would mean...”

His punchline remained undelivered because the Saint provided his own accurate explanation.

“Hearing more than ten seconds of Grand Theft.”

A few more items were exhanged between cars before Conway and Quentin signalled Dan and Ian.

“Gentlemen, start your engines.”

The roars and screams merged into auditory mayhem bearing traces of mechanical devices, unearthly demons, and throats rasped from hours of abuse. Grand Theft had turned their guitars towards the massive wall of amplifiers, and the feedback alone was enough to send any British citizen with war time recollections scrambling for the nearest air raid shelter.

The band’s double-ramped U-shaped stage plunged into shadow, a gigantic strobe light flashed in relentless intensity, and fifteen thousand concert goers held flickering lighters aloft as if demonstrating ignited butane could summon Crowbar and his cohorts back to center stage. Footstomping vibrated the concrete floor, rumbling the very ground surrounding the venue, and a clamour of activity reverberated through the Seattle Coliseum’s inner sanctum.

“Outa da way, outa da way,” barked stage manager Joe Fiala, peppering his exclamations with predictable expletives as the evening’s headliners dragged themselves to the dressing room for a change of costume, measured inhalations of oxygen from a green medical cylinder, and a cursory perusal of the female fans presumably weighing their odds in the romance lottery.

Buzzy found herself ahead of the pack, her tennis shoes squeeking as she ran towards what was obviously the main dressing room — obvious because a female space alien, or a reasonable facsimile thereof, held the door open as if she were the elevator operator at the Waldorf Astoria Towers.

Buzzy ducked inside and flattened herself against the far wall. She was not alone. Several other females, some garish, others naturally attractive, all older than she, leaned their partially bare backs and denimed derriers against the same rampart. Buzzy felt as if she were in a police line-up. She had valid reference points, having been in line-ups before.

Spread before them as the stark room’s culinary centerpiece were coldcuts, a veggi plate, a variety of iced juice drinks, and a simmering pot of hot herbal tea. Two men in Emerald City Catering uniforms placed garni on the carrots.

“No beer, huh?” Asked Buzzy of her fellow female wall hanging, a bleached blond with impressive coal-black roots. Her outfit was New York’s idea of Native American beadwork via a Malaysian factory.

“These guys? No way,” deadpanned bleach-woman, “it’s nothing but healthy living for the boys nowdays. They even make the road crew stay clean and sober.”

Bleachy looked Buzzy up and down as if appraising her for retail.

“You related? A cousin or something, or do you work for the concert company?”

“Why?”

“I’m the bass player’s wife,” she answered proudly as the band poured through the door, “and our daughter there is the space alien.”

“Oh. I’m a relative, too. Sort of a space alien myself — or space cadet, anyway,” muttered Buzzy, looking at her laces. Bleach-woman-in-beads cocked her head maternalisticaly, her grin widening to full-scale smile as she watched her scraggly hubby splash cold water on his face, wave to her, and toddle off to change into his next set of encore clothing.

Joe Fiala attempted shielding the dressing room complex from further invasion. A mounting number of men and women managed, by right, art, or artifice, to have backstage passes pinned to their outfits.

“C’mon, give em a break,” pleaded the professionally exasperated Fiala. “stand back, they got another encore. Be patient.”

Buzzy, silent against the wall and situated at least on the periphery of Grand Theft’s family circle, felt both safe and invisible. Fiala’s attention and protection was focused on those attempting to follow the band into the room, not those already ensconced with the cold-cuts.

Crowbar and his band re-emerged from the back room almost as quickly as they entered it, their perspiration soaked stage clothes replaced by fresh denim pants, shirts, and fringed leather vests — exact replicas of the oufits worn on the cover of their first album from two decades ago. A gimmick, to be sure, but a crowd pleaser guaranteed to turn fashion nostalgia into a screaming fit of cultural affirmation.

Grand Theft’s lead guitarist stopped to pour himself a short shot of hot tea, his eyes following his refreshed bass player’s comical walk to the open arms of an adoring bleach-blond spouse. When Crowbar saw the outlandish haircut of the young girl standing next to her, he almost dropped his cup.

“That’s it,” shouted Fiala, tapping his watch, “never-ending encore time! Let’s go, guys, your fans have either run out of lighter fluid by now or they’ve all set fire to themselves.”

The bass player loosed himself from his beloved, the drummer stuffed another carrot into his bearded mouth while winking at chintz adorned leggy beauty batting her store-bought lashes in well-rehearsed pseudo-abandon, and the lead guitarist couldn’t take his eyes off the pretty young woman with the chop-shop coif. He backed away from the condiment tray, reluctant to release her gaze from his, and allowed himself to be ushered out the door, down the hall, and up the short fight of makeshift stairs leading to the custom crafted multi-million dollar stage.

A new, freshly tuned Fender Stratocaster stood at the ready, a single red spotlight shone down from a heavenward scaffold, and before him surged an enthusiastic mass of humanity radiating near idolatrous adoration. The roar and rush swirling round his mind was nothing compared to the retained image of the waif-like youngster in the dressing room who’s eyes revealed a long-ago loss of innocence, more the a modicum of hopelessness, and a pleading portion of personal desperation.

The drummer started the downbeat, the final encore began with all the refined subtlety of a rocket launch, and far, far behind the stage, Little Buzzy thoughfully dipped a piece of cauliflower into a tangy, white dip. She had never tasted raw cauliflower before. It crunched. She liked it. A warm hand squeezed her small shoulder, and she turned to smile at Blond Bead Lady. It was not Blond Bead Lady to whom she turned.

“Hi, sweetheart. Remember me?”

She did, but not with warmth. There was a moment of brain-numbing cognitive dissonence caused by seeing someone from one aspect of her life in a completely different dimension of her existance. She had imagined that somehow being in the Coliseum’s secured area would protect her from her own recent past and excessive moral lapses. No such luck. The uniform said Emerald City Catering, but the predator grin and sticky hand belonged to Major League.

He leaned down to her multi-pierced ear, bit the lobe lewdly, and intoned offers of high-quality crank and all the amusement she associated with its effects.

“Really, kid. This is the best stuff yet.”

Her tender heart pounded recklessly in her chest, her mixed emotions stretched between established physical cravings and deeper childlike longings. Despite every degrading and self-destructive act commited over her past few months on the street, the higher level of life achieved ascendency — Little Buzzy felt honestly innocent, hunted, and trapped. She instinctively jumped back from the sound of his voice, her left hand knocking over the dip dish and sending it crashing to the concrete floor.

“Hey!” It was Bead Lady, her maternal instincts summoned by Buzzy’s unspoken distress. “What are you doing to that kid?”

“Shaddup!” Major League was not known for his refined manners. Recalling Alisdare’s instruction to not make a scene, even he was caught short by his rudeness. Buzzy bolted for the door.

“Stop!”

She was already running.

Major League lunged for her, but was grabbed harshly from behind by Bead Lady. He spun, slamming his palm into her chest and propelling her backwards as if she were shot from a circus cannon. Her unintentional target for touchdown — the entire refreshment table — collapsed under her impact with noisome racket. Cold cuts, vegetables, tea, and one would-be Native American princess splashed and spilled messily across the floor. A teen-age space alien screeched in dismay at the sight of her mother so forlorn, but the balance of the backstage gaggle seemed more concerned with the loss of free food than any outcries of human distress.

Buzzy was out the door, Major League was right behind her, and Nondescript tossed aside his cap as he dashed in hot pursuit. The backstage girls later agreed that the second caterer was exceptionally difficult to describe. They were eventually even more nonplussed when the Coliseum’s contracted custodian opened the utility closet in search of a mop and discovered two authentic and docile Emerald City Catering employees, sans uniforms, bound and gagged along side the bucket. The first one said his name was Dave and expressed concern over missing the encore.

The single red spotlight was now joined by sweeping arcs of multi-hued illumination punctuated by flashpots, flashbulbs, laser beams and obligatory dry-ice fog. The enormous stage and its electronic environs looked and sounded like a futuristic frontier’s battle zone. Amid the mayhem, Crowbar swung his axe with the intensity of a rampaging Viking while the rhythm section pounded out a visceral tattoo calculated to arouse primal instincts worthy of any senseless bloodletting splashed across history’s stained pages.

Buzzy’s tattered high-tops squealed their rubbery wail as she skittered between hangers-on and press personnel detailing the backdrop of Grand Theft’s reunion tour, weaved between stagehands, special effects wizards, concert company personnel, and last minute entrants dropping names and flashing passes. With a deftness reserved for championship skiers and precision skaters, the energetic youngster successfully skirted several human hazards considered precarious by cautious and demure pedestrians, and she was certainly not one of those.

Major League, bereft of Buzzy’s agility, careened around the corner to collide head on with two burly stage hands who judged his behavior socially unacceptable and worthy of restraint. Encountering their opposition, he struck one of them soundly on the jaw before resuming his pursuit. Nondescript, no more adroit at avoiding collision than his cohort, found himself entangled in an unexpected encounter with numerous arms, legs, and torsos, the majority of which did not belong to him. From his perspective — one which no one would characterize as universal — the most painful aspect was the immobilizing grip locked around his neck by someone who’s fingers displayed the power of banded steel. Before he could make even an uncivil enquiry into his assailant’s identification, terminal darkness overtook any remnants of his limited consciousness.

Little Buzzy, moving in zig-zag form admirable of any downhill victor, didn’t bother to check the progress of her pursuers. There was no turning back and only one place to go — up the makeshift stairs to dive headfirst into the throbbing fog and screaming feedback. Had Major League and Nondescript not chased her, she would not have run; had she not run, she would not have panicked. Now, convinced that continued pursuit implied impending acts of danger, she perceived no choice but to cross the threshold from private fear to public exposure.

Major League’s mid-chase biffing of a backstage lacky in the chops did not go unnoticed by Coliseum security, most especially off-duty Police officers Bill Stroum and Allen Goldblatt who quickly barked details of this potential pop culture upheaval into their city issued multi-band radios. Lest this scene turn uglier than a Grand Theft album jacket, the two detailed the situation as an alert for possible back-up. Every cop in town heard the report, including the downtown bound Detective Dexter Talon. At first, he found the vignette of rock and roll pandemonium amusing, but grasping the details — catering service employee chasing young girl who’s top mop seemed fashioned by a demented hedge-trimmer — Talon turned from his original destination of police headquarters and boring paperwork towards the unmitigated excitement of the Seattle Center Coliseum.

“I thought the crowd was supposed to rush the stage, not caterers chase the kids,” cracked Talon to the dispatcher.

A short whoosh of static preceeded a good natured come-back catching Talon by surprise.

“Hey, that’s the most excitement we’ve had tonight. Even Duvall’s had more action than us. There was a big meth lab explosion, huge fire, the works...”

A lump of hot ice melted in Talon’s enormous gut.

Meth lab explosion in Duvall.

“Saints preserve us,” said Talon with a phoney brogue. He grabbed the single blue light from the floorboard and, rolling down his window, reached up and attatched it to the roof before firing his siren. As he pressed the accelorator to the floor, he thought to himself how fortunate he was to have Simon Templar on his side.

The ignition of multiple encore flashpots showered the stage with eruptions of eye-searing illumination and crowd-pleasing pyrotechnics. The thrashing performers threw themselves about the stage with the religious fervor of an addlepated Saint Vitus; the similarly afflicted multitudes responded with equal ardor and greater enthusiasm, dousing the beefy security line with wet fear and oppresive apprehension.

Concert promoter John Bauer, watching from the VIP seats, covered his eyes and prayed for the encore’s conclusion. He sensed mob mentality taking possession of fifteen thousand former individuals, transforming them into one howling beast of massive mindless reaction. He blanched at the thought of anyone suffering physical injury. Besides, the term “rock n roll riot” was bad for business. Bauer remained unaware that the stage’s southward perimeter had already been violated by a plucky youngster fearing for her life. It was only moments, however, before the crowd caught their first glimpse of what appeared to be one of their own cavorting unhindered with Grand Theft. If she could do it, so could they. The security line locked arms in futile attempt to stall a crowd as determined to swarm over the stage as would a rapacious cloud of army ants consuming a helpless water buffalo.

“Stop the music! Stop the music!” It was Joe Fiala bleating orders at the band, but it was Surush Josi in the Seattle morgue who pressed the stop button on the Walkman clipped to his belt, cutting short the rousing rendition of “Tradition” from Fiddler on the Roof.

He bent over the body of Salvadore Alisdare and loosed a low whistle unrelated to any Broadway musical. Strapped to Alisdare’s body was a sleek black micro-recorder who’s tiny tape had yet to complete recording the entire length of side two. Josi pressed the stop button, a slight whirring sound ceased, and the cassette lid popped open from his finger’s pressure. A small piece of cardboard ejected with the tape and fluttered unnoticed to the floor. Josi walked to the telephone and placed an evenly worded call to the on duty Chief of Detectives. He, in turn, called the Chief of Police who’s eventual obligation was to make late-night contact with Seattle Mayor Walter Crowley. If the Mayor was upset over the lateness of the hour, he was even more outraged over the contents of the little tape found on the body of Salvadore Alisdare — the vocals were clean and crisp, somewhat stacatto, and devoid of musical accompaniment. The words embedded on the thin strip of mylar were illuminating beyond any known candlepower.

The brash intrusion of megawatt houselights scattered the Coliseum’s mood if not the audience. Crowbar ceased strangling his six-string and opened his eyes to the reality of immediate danger from the fans who loved him. Scrambling to vacate the stage, his peripheral vision snared Buzzy struggling against the grip of a uniformed caterer. But even that vision was soon obscured by dozens of other youths — male, female, and undecided — scuffling with the security crew and clawing and pawing towards his own famous personage.

“Let’s go! Let’s go!” Fiala pulled at Crowbar’s fringe, entreating him to make a quick getaway.

The riotous pandemonium, although beginning to slack, poured over the stage, toppling bodies into the corridors and holding areas. The sound of smashing guitars and ravaged drumsets told Grand Theft that the tools of their trade were being both demolished and stolen — ironically, “Demolished & Stolen” was the title of track two, side one of their second LP.

With rented security chasing fans from the dry-ice fogged ramps, and Grand Theft’s own road crew making valiant attempts to protect the remaining equipment, no one noticed Little Buzzy being dragged off-stage by an officious looking man in a caterer’s uniform.

Buzzy thrashed wildly, resisting captivity with youthful muscle and few good nails which she forcefully raked down the side of her assailant’s cheek.

“Ya little brat,” growled Major League, shaking her violently, “you think you’re hot stuff.” He pulled back his ham-sized fist and slugged her full force in the face. Her head snapped back like a Pez dispenser, an ugly carnival of green and red lights swirled stupidly behind her eyes, and blood poured from her tiny nostrils. The pain erased all vision, replacing sight and will with dull throbbing numbness. Her little body collapsed, trembling with shock and fright. If she ever got out of this alive, she vowed to kill herself once and for all. She would go along with anything, everything, until they were done with her. Then, in her own way, in her own time, she would prove ultimate control of her own life by ending it. The prospect didn’t fill her with morose fascination nor moribund delight — it was simply an admission of exceptional desperation coupled with resigned recognition that her life was not, and would never be, anything resembling healthy, happy, normalcy. For now, the only escape was to shut down all response in a limp, tear soaked faint.

With Buzzy out cold, her captor quickly unzipped his Emerald City coveralls and tossed them aside. In the process, he spied a matching costume waving to him from the first tier above stage right. Cradling Buzzy in his arms as if he were a compassionate adult concerned for his child’s well being, he motioned towards the building’s East entrance — the one closest to the service lane and his vehicle — signaling his partner to join him away from the pack of backstage security bundled by the rear West exit.

Thousands were streaming out of the Coliseum, and all would make way for a man lovingly holding his sadly injured daughter.

The trek from center stage to the desired egress was a tiresome and enervating obstacle course of altered state hippies and stumbling aficionados of American nostalgia. Major League wanted none of it. In fact, he resented carrying Buzzy’s near dead weight. Alisdare would hear about this, and cough up hazard pay besides. In fairness, it did occur to Major League that the reward wasn’t worth the effort. Although the drugs were good and the women were easy, lately his boss was getting stranger and stranger. This Talon scam was getting out of hand, but at least the irritating Simon Templar had been taken care of — he was either on their side or dead on the sidelines. As for Buzzy, a street kid was a disposable commodity — the breath drawing equivalent of non-refillable butane lighters. “Use ’em and throw ’em away,” was his attitude, and the sooner he could dispose of Buzzy, the better.

Once outside the East entrance, the crowd poured left while Major League and his limp burden turned to the right, heading towards the dark service lane running along side the Coliseum. The weak waif stirred to consciousness, and he brought her down on her rubber soled but wobbly feet. Gripping her arm tightly, he pushed her ahead of him.

The night breeze carried the prepatory aura of oncoming rain, the silent signal of short downpours for which the city is renown. The brisk evening air chilled Buzzy’s once-warm tears; blood caked around her nose and mouth, and she squinted painfully to see where she was going. Devoid of reference points and still suffering pain from the cruel blow to her fragile features, she struggled to make sense of her surroundings. She soon understood that she was being propelled toward a bright set of headlights. She recognized the car’s grill and knew it belonged to the same creep digging fingerprints into her arm. Another man in Emerald City Catering garb leaned nonchalantly against the idling auto. Oblivious to the first large drops of rain, he was reading the evening Seattle Times.

“Stop readin’ the goddam paper,” snapped her abductor, not understanding why a semi-illiterate fool would suddenly be interested in the Seattle Times, “let’s get the hell out of here.”

The accomplice stood firm, for as any astute follower of these chronicles can surmise, the accomplice was non-compliant for the simple reason that he was not, by any stretch of the imagination, in league with Major.

“If the truth be known,” commented Simon Templar dryly, “I much preferred you as a minor character.”

Major League’s expletive laced response has no place in a moral and uplifting story such as this.

“I’ve got the girl,” insisted the thug.

“You’ve got the gall,” corrected Simon.

Buzzy, weeping, said nothing.

“Alisdare, Barry, Milo, and the rest of your little playmates have gone to their eternal lack of reward,” said the Saint conversationally as he un-zipped and stepped out of the uniform, kicking it aside, “And it’s a good thing for you, too. Ol’ Salvadore told you not to make a scene, remember? Were that pink-eared pervert alive today, he’d roll over in his grave if he had one, but I believe they’re still digging bullets out of him at the morgue.”

Major League involuntarily gasped.

“One more thing,” added the Saint as he snapped open the newspaper, “don’t expect your almost-as-ugly buddy to scamper out here and jump behind the wheel — he suffered a tragic neck injury about the same time he relinquished the car keys.”

The Saint leaned back against the grill and turned his attention to the front page, scanning the headlines as if waiting for Metro Transit. Major League tightened his grip and Buzzy sobbed harder. As the Saint spoke again, a limousine’s V-8 engine roared to life in the distance and a police siren wailed.

“Three inch bold type headlines, old boy, right here next to the wedding picture of Judge Crater and Amelia Ehrhardt. ‘Bad Guys Dead — You May be Next.’ I’m speaking in potentialities, of course, although every unpleasant person in this adventure has met a quite timely demise, except for you and Talon, but these piffling details can be wrapped up in a postscript attached to the final chapter.”

The Saint tossed the newsprint prop aside and spread his hands wide in a gesture of finality. “I’d say throw in the towel, but the tender child with whom you’ve mopped the floor is hardly made of terrycloth. She’s a flesh and blood human being, and a young one at that, short eyes.”

Major League blanched at the term “short eyes,” knowing it was prison slang for child molester, the one appellative guaranteed to assure early death or worse from those awaiting you behind bars. Even a false accusation could destroy a man, and a true accusation followed by incarceration would prove deadly.

“You don’t understand, Templar,” objected the man who understood full well that the Saint understood everything.

“I understand that you are going to let the girl go because you have no where to take her and nothing to do when you get there,” explained Simon.

“You ain’t no cop,” insisted Major League, as if that made a difference.

“Which is precisely why I can kill you and not be concerned about paper work,” responded the Saint honestly. Despite being woefully bereft of anything lethal in his possession, the power of his intention, so clearly and flatly stated, made the threat seem terrifyingly viable and immediately eminent.

Buzzy whimpered, and the Saint began walking towards the man and his underage captive.

Major League looked around desperately. With fifteen thousand people within one city block, the three of them were ominously alone.

“Don’t come any closer, Templar,” insisted the aggravated hoodlum, “just step away from the car.”

“I have stepped away from the car. Now, you step away from the girl. I’m not going to bother reading you your rights because (a) I’m not the law, and (b) you have no rights.”

“But I got Milo’s .38,” countered the thug.

The Saint walked to the right of the headlights while the villain and his victim circled to his left. They were fully illuminated, Simon was now back-lit at best.

“I know you do, Cueball, I gave it to you myself.”

Major League yanked the weapon from under his shirt with his free hand while digging his fingers even harder into Buzzy’s soft flesh.

Simon, not about to credit Buzzy’s captor with enough prescience to reload Milo’s weapon, laughed derisively.

“And whom do you plan to shoot? The girl? Me? Perhaps yourself?”

The Saint stuffed his hands deep into his pockets, wrapping the broad rubber band from Alisdare’s kitchen around the first two fingers of his left hand and easing out several tacks with the other.

“You have neither bullets nor options,” explained Simon happily, “but hopefully, an ear for classic music hall compositions.”

The Saint, it must be admitted, broke into song. And while the tune was that of a well-known standard, the lyrics were modified especially for the occasion.

“Little Buzzy was small, but oh my.

Little Buzzy was small, but oh my.

She killed old Goliath,

who lay down and dieth,

Little Buzzy was small, but oh my.”

Viewed from a distance, the trio seemed to be either performing a lackluster number from an off-Broadway musical, or reviving an ancient human sacrifice ritual with a four cylinder sedan as centerpiece.

Buzzy’s improved vision and comprehension coincided with Simon’s resonant baritone and the increased frequency of rain drops splashing on her with mounting rapidity. The rain was a dark night’s cold shower, and her awareness was on the rise. The relevant high points of the scenario in which she found herself were easily grasped — one rough and ugly man had bloodied her nose and kidnapped her; a smooth and handsome man, currently singing a song with her name in it, wanted to rescue her. Her sympathies and support were certainly not for the former.

Simon ceased his vocalizing and slowly backed up, altering his position as Major League inched closer to the car’s driver’s side.

“I’m surprised the young lady is still standing,” called out the Saint, “considering how hard you hit her, she should be down or dead.”

Buzzy, despite her beating or because of it, read the Saint’s message as if it had been projected in paisley with full illumination by the Retina Circus. She understood completely and complied immediately, throwing herself at the wet pavement behind the car’s fender. Major League’s grip was too tight to release, the sudden drop pulling him off balance and sending him stumbling stupidly after her until his revolting face was well-lit and perfectly positioned in the headlight’s blinding glare.

The Saint instantly swung his makeshift slingshot from waist height to eye level, took precise aim, and fired. Several steel pointed projectiles sailed through the rain and smacked painfully into the wet flesh of Major League’s face. He shrieked, throwing his hands up to claw away the pain. In the process, and without forethought, he released the girl and the gun.

“Run!” The command tore through the Saint’s throat as she scrambled to her feet and raced past the red taillights into the dark. She knew what she was running from, but no ideas what she was running to until she bounced off something large yet resilient that sent her stumbling back to fall on her petite and rain soaked behind. Through the drenching downpour, and off to the side, she saw a circular flash of repetitive blue light. Looming above her was the massive bulk of Detective Dexter Talon. She screamed.

The Saint, momentarily torn between chasing after Buzzy or engaging in a death fight with Major League simply on general principles, now had no choice — the scream simultaneously summoned him and sent his enemy diving for the driver’s seat. In a flash of inspiration, Simon threw himself at the windshield as Major League slammed the door. The Saint landed on the hood, locked his hands around the windshield wiper, and snapped it off as he rolled across and hit the ground running.

Tires squealed, and the sedan shot sightless out the service lane as Simon Templar raced to Buzzy’s cries.

Major League’s adrenaline pumped stronger than the engine’s unleaded octane and Mercer Street was only seconds away, but he couldn’t see anything beyond one absurd image: a silly stick man with a balloon shaped head and jaunty halo. It was iridescent, red, and growing in size. By the time the realization struck him that the image was attached to the passenger side of a Volvo wagon crawling through the post-concert traffic directly outside the service lane exit, there was nothing he could do but increase panic and lose control. The final rational thought passing through his paralyzed mind was the realization that his flimsy American sedan was no match for the tank-like construction of a Volvo. He jammed the brakes and spun the wheel. His car careened off a concrete abutment, scattered a herd of frightened pedestrians, and smashed grill first into a large metal pole owned and maintained by Pacific Power and Light. Had he bothered to buckle his seat belt, he might have lived. He did neither.

Horns honked, lights flashed, people yelled, and the mistreated youngster known as Little Buzzy found herself reluctantly consoled in the dark by an enormous object of fear and loathing.

“It’s OK baby,” murmured Talon, pressing her needlessly close, “all the bad men are gone.”

“All except one,” corrected the Saint.

The downpour was incessant, and time was of the essence. Simon had never expected to see Talon again.

“Look at her, Saint,” said the Detective as if showing off a prized collectable, “you can see how I was fooled.”

Drenched to the skin through her inadequate clothing, Buzzy’s undeniably well-developed feminine figure was being offered up as some sort of justification.

“I can’t thank you enough, Templar,” insisted Talon, “I really owe ya. Now beat it. I’ll take care of the little girl.”

Simon stood momentarily immobilized. The phrase “little girl” reverberated through his mind. Any moment the scene would be crawling with reputable law enforcement, rubber-necking onlookers, and press representatives from backstage. A good car wreck such as Major League’s tends to bring everyone together.

The Saint’s personal plan of remaining out of the headlines was being seriously threatened, but Simon Templar refused to leave Buzzy alone for even one moment with Dexter Talon. Somewhere behind the detective, a police radio crackled; behind the Saint shone the headlight configuration of a Jaguar XKE.

Odd shafts of light criss-crossed the scene with jagged shadows, the rain was subsiding, and there were people arriving from all directions.

Simon turned to confirm the identify of the vehicle behind him; Talon turned to face rapidly approaching footsteps.

Buzzy broke free from the detective’s repellent hug and ran towards the most welcome sight of her life — Viola Berkman flanked by several Seattle police officers, including Stroum and Goldblatt. She threw herself into Vi’s arms, half laughing, half sobbing.

“You’re a little late, officers,” explained Talon in a most professional manner, “some crackpot tried to kidnap that poor kid. That’s him wrapped around the power pole.”

Stroum walked to Talon’s car and opened the door to the back seat while Goldblatt approached the detective cautiously.

“You know something, Talon?” called out Officer Stroum, “You’re really sick.”

Talon’s skin froze.

“I’m afraid you’re under arrest, Detective,” stated Goldblatt officiously, “I’ll need your gun and your shield.”

The ex-detective’s excess flesh vibrated furiously.

“What the hell am I under arrest for?”

“The murder of Salvadore Alisdare, for one thing,”

“Jeeze, Dexter,” called out Stroum from Talon’s back seat, “the whole damn thing was tape recorded for God’s sake. Hey! Add possession of child pornography to the charge, Allen, the car’s loaded with it.”

Talon face turned purple with rage, he pointed his big fat finger in the direction of Simon Templar and shook it violently.

“The Saint! The Saint!” sputtered Talon irrationally.

“The man’s a Saint all right,” agreed the arresting officer as he snapped on the cuffs, “I can vouch for him myself. After all, he’s my Rabbi.”

Talon stared at the athletic frame of Nat Berkman silhouetted in the Jaguar’s headlights, and realized Simon Templar was nowhere to be seen and even less likely to be referenced by anyone in attendance.

“By the way, Rabbi,” said Officer Goldblatt pointing at the Jaguar, “I like your personalized license plate.”

“Thanks,” replied Berkman, “and its a good sign that you do. After all, it requires a certain moral mindset to recognize it.”

Talon stared at the plate. 1 °COM meant nothing to him. Buzzy, however, understood immediately. So had Simon Templar.

4

“Ten Commandments,” asserted Ian correctly as he shoved another bite of Denny’s pecan pie into his mouth.

“Not as blatant as RABBI,” noted Roger Conway, “but certainly more clever.”

“I thought that other jerk’s car was gonna cream us for sure,” Daniel admitted, shaking his head in wonderment.

Peter Quentin and Roger Conway, who recently assured the Tropicana Motel that Buzzy’s whereabouts were no longer of concern, watched the boys stuff themselves with pie and ice-cream, the most minimal of rewards for their outstanding heroism and coolness under pressure. The Saint, in addition to picking up the tab for the above referenced refreshments, also slipped them sufficient cash to completely restore their authentic Saintmobile.

The celebratory party of four was soon joined by a jovial Simon Templar returning from the pay phone with fresh news.

“The cats out of the bag and the fur is flying furiously,” sang the Saint happily, “the King County Jail has testy old Talon under suicide watch, a transcript of Alisdare’s last tape has been released to the news media, and here’s the best joke of the night: Little Buzzy had a special visitor at the hospital where she’s being kept overnight for observation — Crowbar Schwartz, lead guitar player of Grand Theft. Apparently he thought it good PR to visit such a put-upon fan. Besides, he said her haircut reminded him of an old girlfriend from 15 years ago. When he asked Buzzy if there was anything special he could do for her, she said ‘yes, take a blood test’.”

His compatriots in the Denny’s booth waited several minutes for Simon Templar to stop laughing.

“Wait a minute, Saint,” interrupted Ian, “what about the Costello Treasure?”

“Which one? There are two Costello Treasures,” explained Simon, “one of them has been in my hotel room since about one o’clock in the afternoon, the other has yet to be revealed, although I know exactly where it is.”

Dan and Ian looked at Simon incredulously; Peter and Roger, used to such shenanigans, didn’t bat an eye.

“Finish your pie and follow me back to the Westin for a sneak preview of the Treasure of Dolores Costello, then I must get my beauty sleep — I have an important 10 a.m. appointment.”

“That means a woman,” explained Peter in case the boys were bereft of understanding.

“What’s her name again, Simon,” chided Roger Conway, “Tiffany? Ruby? DeBeers?”

“This week she calls herself Diamond Tremayne. Next week, I haven’t the slightest idea,” acknowledged the Saint. “I can’t wait to see the name on her airline ticket.”

At ten o’clock the following morning, Simon Templar kept his appointment with Diamond Tremayne. She arrived dressed in a conservative business suit, white blouse, dark hose, matching black mid-heel pumps, and her luxurious hair in a lovely French braid.

“Disguised as a librarian?” asked the Saint.

“Librarians can find anything, Mr Templar,” she answered, “even treasure.”

Tremayne, to Simon’s surprise, did not arrive alone. Accompanying her were Arthur Rasnec and Karl Krogstad. Everyone was cordial, but only Simon Templar was ignorant of the exact nature and purpose of the excursion. The Saint did not earn his nickname solely on the basis of patience, although under the circumstances, he was entitled.

As Diamond promised, Neah Bay was beautiful that time of year, and Arthur Rasnec certainly owned a charming Bed & Breakfast. In fact, he owned far more than impressive overnight accommodations. He also held title to a spectacular piece of rustic property, once utilized as a summer camp, now perfectly suited as a retreat, artists colony, or both.

“The way I see it, Mr Templar,” explained Rasnec with professional expertise and remarkable human warmth, “this facility would be the ideal locale for the educational and moral rearmament of displaced street kids such as Little Buzzy. Privately funded, professionally staffed, dedicated to healing, training, and nurturing via an arts based curriculum.”

Krogstad was smiling broadly, rubbing his hands together gleefully.

“And get this, Saint,” added Karl, “you know today’s kids are crazy about media and movies. We’ll set up a complete film and video workshop, teaching them hands on techniques in editing, lighting, scriptwriting, drama, the works. We’ll actually produce original material created by the kids themselves — marketable, of course, and once a year, right here, we’ll have that International Independent Filmmakers Conference and Competition I told you about at the Harvard Exit.”

Karl obviously secured his investor, but it was Diamond Tremayne who put the humanitarian spin on concept and realization. Simon was impressed.

“There are also employees of other enterprises in which I own significant interest,” added Rasnec, “who are most interested in training for new careers and pursuing optional avenues of employment.”

“And what exactly do you want from me, Mr Rasnec?” asked the Saint politely.

“I’m donating the property and substantial funding, but Diamond has also made a generous contribution to the initial start-up of the project, and we were hoping...”

Our penultimate pirate’s bright blue eyes were glorious beacons of supportive assurance.

“The Simon Templar Foundation would be proud to participate,” confirmed the Saint, “and I know a firm named SeaQue will be similarly inclined. Do the Berkmans know about this?”

“I had a chat with Vi this morning,” answered Tremayne, her countenance glowing with an aura of charitable victory.

Diamond, Rasnec, and Krogstad took turns shaking Simon’s hand.

“What exactly is your position, Ms Tremayne?” the Saint later asked, the Neah Bay afternoon sun bathing his private room in warm golden hues.

“I raise collateral,” replied Diamond playfully, kicking off her pumps and wiggling her toes, “it is also my obligation to receive extensive foot massages from notorious and dangerously handsome men.”

To dispel any doubts as to the identity of her notorious man of preference, she reclined demurely on the sofa and stretched her exquisite legs across his lap. Simon’s strong fingers applied appropriate and anticipated pressure.

“Perhaps your little feet are weary from standing on such high moral ground,” commented the Saint.

“I told you I learned from the best,” she said, “As for morality, the world has too much rhetoric and not enough action. Most problems could be simply solved if people actually acted in conformity with their words. Some talk; some actually do.”

“And you, Ms Tremayne, are exceptionally versatile.”

“Mere conjecture, Mr Templar. And as much as you detest playing detective,” continued Diamond, her unbraided auburn hair cascading luxuriously around her shoulders, “I think this caper calls for increased personal investigation.”

“Shall we investigate how much of your story about having a cousin corrupted in Seattle is true? Shall we question how it is that you and Rasnec know each other, and for how long? Shall I raise the possibility that going after Talon was Arthur’s idea in the first place, not yours? Would it be wise to surmise that you have been many things in life before becoming the world’s most attractive midnight marauder, including a dancer with less than professional credentials?”

Diamond Tremayne carefully watched the Saint’s face as he spoke, searching for signs of judgement or condemnation. She saw neither.

“If all I’m raising is questions,” she answered coyly, “then I will pose a few of my own: what’s your mother’s maiden name? Do you have brothers and sisters?”

Simon Templar smiled.

“To appreciate a rose,” agreed Simon, “you inhale its fragrance, not sniff the soil from which it grew,”

Diamond swiveled her long legs from his lap and leaned in to him.

“Let us agree that you are the Saint and I am Diamond Tremayne,” she suggested in a secretive whisper, scrunching her adorable eyes into cute little squints and moving her dangerous lips close to his, “and, for the sake of discussion, let’s accept that characters such as myself sometimes simply appear full blown and fully grown.”

“You certainly fit the criteria,” said the Saint, the rest of the sentence and the balance of the chapter silenced by demonstrations of appreciative affection.

Chapter 6

How Barney Malone Did a Dance, and Simon Templar Became Inspired.

1

Barney Malone eyed Simon suspiciously before tapping the long white ash from the end of his aromatic cigar and turning his gaze to the serulian blue waters of Lake Washington.

“How much of that story has any association with reality?”

“Why? Do you want to buy the movie rights?”

“I’m not sure I buy much of it at all,”

“Mr Malone,” protested the Saint, feigning affront, “do you honestly believe that I would lure you out here on such a beautiful day to pull your leg — especially one as aged as yours?”

To validate his truncated version of the preceding narrative, the Saint handed Malone recent editions of Seattle’s two daily newspapers.

“Criminal Caterer Killed in Alley,” recited Malone aloud, “Detective Indicted in Downtown Slaying,” “Rabbi to the Rescue,” “Duvall Drug Deal Explodes.”

The Saint smiled smugly.

“Believe me now?”

Malone tossed the papers aside.

“There’s nothing about the romantic nuptials of Judge Crater and Amelia Ehrhardt.” objected Barney, “and I thought that was the best part.”

Simon dropped his head as would a penitent schoolboy.

“Alright, I made that up, but the balance of the story can be completely verified by Roger Conway and Peter Quentin.”

Barney Malone puffed fresh life into his cigar.

“I haven’t seen those two in years,” muttered Malone, “the last I heard, Conway and Quentin were lolling about the UK disguised as oil slicks on the road to prosperity. Why they’re not at least under house arrest is beyond me.”

Simon bit the inside of his cheek to avoid grinning too broadly.

“Those two rascals would verify you having danced the night away with Archdeacon George Townshend in the vestibule of St. Patrick’s Cathedral” deadpanned Malone perfectly, “the very fact that you would invoke them in defense of such a far-fetched yarn is almost adequate testimony to it’s manifest falsity.”

Barney’s ability to keep a straight face during the final three sentences of the previous paragraph was not up to the task, and both he and the Saint burst into laughter.

“OK, Templar, I’m hooked,” admitted Malone good naturedly as they regained their composure. “what’s the truth about the Costello Treasure?”

Simon checked his watch, noticed the craft’s approach to a lakeside mooring, and pulled a small photograph from his inside pocket.

“Here’s your first clue,” said the Saint, handing Malone the picture. Barney stared at it for sometime before speaking.

“I’ve never seen this one before,” he acknowledged, “its a perfectly wonderful candid snapshot of John Barrymore and Dolores Costello. Who took it? Where did you get it? More importantly, can I keep it?”

“Yes, you can keep it; I got it from my friend Olav T. Lunde; it was taken by his father who was once an employee of the Barrymore’s,” answered Simon, standing and pointing towards the dock, “and here comes complete validation for the story you’re so reticent to believe.”

Boarding the ship were Roger Conway and Peter Quentin, carrying a large cake and a gift wrapped package. Barney almost dropped his cigar.

“Surprised to see us, Barney?” kidded Conway as he stepped aboard.

“Only considering the long standing extradition agreements between America and Great Britain,” joked Malone, his true pleasure unconcealed and amplified by an excited smile.

Hugs, handshakes, and backslaps were soon well distributed and as the Thea Foss resumed its Lake Washington cruise, these men of long acquaintance settled down to admire the cake and watch Malone unwrap his gift.

The cake itself was an icing work of art, decorated with multi-colored fish, diamonds, waves of water, and an old-fashioned hand-cranked movie camera. “Happy Birthday Barney” was spelled out in Art Deco edible font. One understated candle adorned the cake’s mid-point.

“We’ll cut the cake after lunch, but first Barney must open his gift,” commanded the Saint.

Malone complied, pulling away the festive wrap and revealing a 1920’s style marine log book. The vessel’s name, written in elaborate script, was embossed on the cover.

“INFANTA”

Barney recited the name, recalling it as one of the cryptic clues quoted in the Costello Treasure scenario.

“Open it,” prompted an encouraging Peter Quentin.

He did, and was momentarily speechless. Each leaf of the exquisite book was adorned with another rare photograph of Barrymore, Costello, and their coterie of famous show business friends cavorting on Barrymore’s personal yacht; each large page featured handwritten details of fishing trips and sight-seeing excursions of the Great Profile, his beautiful wife, and numerous luminaries from Hollywood’s Golden Age.

“These photos are priceless,” whispered Malone emphatically, “none have ever been published, not in Silver Screen Magazine or any hardback collection, and I ought to know. This book is beyond value. I have never seen anything so spectacular. Who did you have to kill to get it?”

An awkward silence followed the question as Conway and Quentin looked to the Saint.

“He knows the story, fellas,” said Simon, “I told him all about our rousing adventure, Alisdare, Talon, Little Buzzy, the works.”

“What story?” Conway and Quentin asked impishly in unison; the Saint closed his eyes and shook his head.

“If Simon told you some wild yarn and it didn’t end with one or both of us saving his skin, then you know it can’t possibly be true,” advised Roger with all the intensity of a politician campaigning for re-election.

“Actually, Roger saved him this time because I was tired of doing it,” added Peter helpfully, “the Saint didn’t try to sell you some whopper about us being involved with the Corrupt Cop Kills Caterer story, did he?”

Malone chuckled, insisted he didn’t care about anything in the paper except the entertainment page, and allowed that this fabulous book must indeed be the famed Costello Treasure.

“In a manner of speaking, yes,” confirmed Simon, “The rare photos were duplicated from the private collection of Olav Lunde, formerly belonging to his father who accompanied Barrymore and his guests on those excursions. In fact, the senior Mr Lunde was captain of the Infanta and he took the original pictures; the handwritten text from the Infanta’s log book was replicated from the original historical document found only in Foss Maritime’s private collection.”

Barney Malone ran his fingers over the gift with manifest appreciation and admiration, but he didn’t quite understand the connection between the glamorous stars of Hollywood’s distant decades and a fleet of tugboats or ocean-going barges.

“Foss? What do Tugboat Annie or Marie Dressler have to do with Dolores Costello?”

“Absolutely nothing,” admitted the Saint, and the uniformed crewman summoned them to the dining room for a elegant King salmon buffet.

And it was while the four men sat around the dining table savoring salmon prepared to perfection, that Simon Templar thumbed through Barney’s gift, selected a particular page of interest, and offered it to Malone.

“Take a good look at this picture of Barrymore, and tell me he doesn’t look exactly like you,” instructed the Saint.

“We already established that I more resemble Ethel than John,” replied Barney, but he took a good look anyway. He looked again; he looked at Simon; he looked again, then he tossed his bald head back and laughed with glee. The absolute delight being derived by Mr Malone momentarily mystified Conway and Quentin who beseeched an explanation. Barney handed them the book.

The photograph showed John Barrymore, Dolores Costello, and two equally famous guests seated in the Infanta’s dining room. Everything in the photo was identical to their own immediate surroundings. Barney Malone sat in John Barrymore’s chair.

“This is it,” laughed Barney, “this is the treasure of Dolores Costello. The Thea Foss is the Infanta!”

“Originally commissioned by John Barrymore as a gift for Dolores Costello and named in honor of their baby daughter,” elaborated the Saint, “it was built in Long Beach, California by Craig Shipbuilding Company for the sum of $225,000, and designed by well-known naval architect Ted Geary. But even the rich and famous fall on hard times, and in the late 1930’s the ship was repossessed and sold to the Lowe family, Alaska salmon packers who changed her name to the Polaris. The U.S. Navy took her over shortly after the bombing of Pearl Harbor in ’41 and renamed her the Amber. After the war she became a geological research ship, and finally, in 1950, acquired by Foss, lovingly restored, and is now the Thea Foss. She’s a true treasure, alright — the Treasure of Dolores Costello.”

Barney Malone was no longer seated before the remains of his scrumptious salmon. He was dancing on deck, striking a great, joyous, and exuberant profile.

2

After the hub-bub concerning the clandestine tape recording of Dexter Talon terminating the existance of Salvadore Alisdare quieted down, Surush Josi eventually noticed and retrieved the tiny piece of paper from the morgue’s floor, examining the rough-edged rectangle carefully. It was torn from sturdy stock typical of high society invitations. The embossed design was familiar, meaningless, and identical to the stick-man character decorating a certain Volvo wagon seen on his way to work. At the end of his eventful shift, the scrap of paper traveled home in his jacket pocket. A few days later, Surush inadvertently rediscovered it while enjoying a reunion dinner with his cousin, Suniel, at Portland’s stately Benson Hotel.

The little stick figure also meant nothing to Cousin Suniel, but both agreed that someone more knowledgeable of the peculiarities of Western popular culture could explain the logo’s significance. Someone, perhaps, such as the handsome gentleman with tanned piratical features and brilliant blue eyes treating a certain witty scriptwriter to the promised dinner of her choice.

“According to Box Office Magazine, The Pirate just replaced Until Death as the number one movie in America,” commented the Saint, amazed at the cinema habits of the American public. He was about to offer further insights into art, literature, and politics when he was interrupted by a rather rotund Nepalese gentleman who looked vaguely familiar.

“I saw this design on a car and then I see it on this, but I don’t know what it is,” said Josi plaintively, holding the scrap out for investigation.

The Saint was honestly surprised.

“Where did you find this?”

“I found it on the floor at work,” replied Josi, “I think it means something, yes?”

Simon’s female guest looked at the logo and made an amusing face which the Saint ignored.

“What do you do for a living?” asked Simon Templar.

“I work at the Seattle Morgue,” Josi answered proudly.

The Saint smiled and shook the man’s hand.

“And I’m sure you do a fine job with the deceased,” intoned Simon, “I promise to send you all my business.”

“Everyone says that,” responded Surush undeterred, “you know what this is or not?”

“Its called the Sign of the Saint, and it stands for a certain brand of justice. You don’t see it as much you used to, but it is a powerful talisman.”

“Talisman?” Cousin Suniel did not know the word.

“Good luck,” explained Surush, and they both smiled.

The two related Nepalese thanked the handsome couple and headed happily for the cash register. Simon Templar could not resist one last parting bit of advice, calling out in a happy, melodious voice.

“Watch for the Sign of the Saint. He will be back.”

They nodded; the Saint laughed, and his dinner guest rolled her eyes.

Barney Malone joined them for coffee a few minutes later, and drew Simon’s attention again to the rewarding box office figures of The Pirate.

“You realize what this means, Simon,” enthused Malone, “The Pirate II looms on the horizon. There is a clause to that effect in the contract, and the sooner the better. You better ask the hotel if they have a typewriter you can borrow and then pray for inspiration.”

The Saint’s eyes danced with mischief.

“I’m not the least bit concerned about inspiration,” he asserted confidently, looking past Barney’s shoulder at the familiar form of an auburn haired woman of astonishing beauty striding gracefully across the Benson Hotel lobby towards the registration desk. She caught sight of him as well, flashing a smile warm enough to increase his tan.

“I have all the inspiration a man could need,” said the Saint, “In fact, I can see the sequel from here.”

Content

Burl Barer
Capture the Saint

Chapter 1 How Simon Templar Spoke of Skiffs, and Salvadore Alisdare Became Agitated.

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Chapter 2 How Simon Templar Sang on Broadway, and Diamond Tremayne Passed Her Audition.

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Chapter 3 How Viola Berkman Searched for Herring, and Salvadore Alisdare Battled a Doorknob.

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Chapter 4 How Duvall Became Illuminated, and Milo was Unforgiving.

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Chapter 5 How Simon Templar Entered an Elevator, and Little Buzzy Consumed Cauliflower.

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Chapter 6 How Barney Malone Did a Dance, and Simon Templar Became Inspired.

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