Mari Saat

THE SAVIOUR OF LASNAMÄE

Translated by Susan Wilson

“A soul butterfly…” thought Dmitri Dmitrievich and flinched – but butterflies weren’t out at this time of the year, were they? There are no butterflies in winter.

Natalya Filippovna had little reason not to be content with her life: she earned the average wage in Estonia, sometimes a shade more. No small thing for a woman on the wrong side of forty-five who couldn’t speak the official language. Actually, that wasn’t entirely true – she could understand it and even say a few simple things; it was just that she couldn’t shake off her thick accent, and the writing was so foreign-looking… and after all there’d been no need for it before: the Estonians all used to speak Russian, but now – well, the younger ones couldn’t… and the older ones wouldn’t…

Natalya Filippovna’s life had, broadly speaking, settled down nicely: she had a handsome two-room flat in Lasnamäe that had been allocated to her thanks to the birth of her daughter. Well actually, thanks to her job in the building industry and the birth of her daughter: she had been one of the last people to be allocated a flat by a workplace and her daughter’s birth had pushed her ahead of the competition – ahead of unmarried women who had not produced a child. Women like that had had to stay in the hostel and there was no dishing out flats to people after that. Mind you, she’d have had no flat at all if she’d stayed on at the kindergarten – there were never any flats for kindergartens to allocate. She’d have been happier at the kindergarten though…

Nowadays she’d have had to buy the flat herself or build it – the state wouldn’t give you anything any more, but what could you buy or build when even a shack cost over a hundred thousand, and the only way prices ever went was up, but take-home pay was only four and a half thousand, in a good month five or even five and a half if you’d had to work Saturdays and Sundays or if there’d been rush orders… But one and a half thousand of that was swallowed by the cost of the flat once you’d taken off the electric and telephone, another one and a half went on food, and the remaining one and a half was simply not enough to make ends meet for the two of them. They always got through another two. If only her daughter would eat sausage stew and fried potatoes, but she wouldn’t. She would not eat meat. She wanted fruit and puddings… And travel tickets, soaps, shampoo, tampons – her daughter needed tampons too now… And there was the constant need for money for school or art school – exercise books, paints… And that music player that she had to have on all the time – just look how much the batteries for that cost. Good job that she could get clothes second-hand, but shoes really had to be bought from a shop… or the market. Mind with the market you never had any way of telling how long they were likely to last. Once a sole wore right through in two weeks, and there was no one you could complain to… All told, she’d never had as much as five hundred spare in a month…

Natalya Filippovna had a dream that if she could scrape together ten thousand over the winter, she’d be able to afford a proper holiday for the two of them somewhere in Europe… They always ended up arguing about it – Sofia wanted to go to Holland where there were canals and tulip fields, but Natalya Filippovna wanted to go somewhere where there were mountains – warm sun and jagged snowy mountain peaks… Last time she’d been to Crimea – it felt like aeons ago… It was still deep in the Soviet time – as the Estonians called it. Everywhere was one great Union – no need for any visas. You just made up your mind and off you went to Crimea. Using a travel voucher to boot… There were no real snowy peaks there of course, but there was hot sunshine and the sea was a warm, dark blue, not always cold and grey like here. It was there that she’d met Sofia’s father… Sofia’s father… it almost felt out of place to talk about him like that because there ought to be something solid about a father, even a touch of menace, but instead he was like a faint, warm breath of wind that merely caresses you and vanishes, or the headiness of a light, clear wine that evaporates, as if it had never existed, just like a dream…

That was all to the good to Natalya Filippovna’s way of thinking. She was plenty old enough already to be happy with just the child, and she’d never hungered after men, unlike some of her friends who settled for the bluster and even the beatings of a drunk just so long as they could have a shag… She’d been through all that – from shagging to beatings, when as a young woman she was married to Corporal Grisha and as a result moved thousands of kilometres away from home to find herself here on the shores of the grey sea in the wet land of the Estonians… Actually they’d been through several places before they’d ended up here… But it was here that she’d thought for the first time that it wasn’t right. It was that time when she was lying in hospital that she’d thought that it wasn’t right for her husband to beat her, never mind whether he was drunk or in a bad mood, and cause a miscarriage… she shouldn’t settle for it… Perhaps she started to think that way because of the climate here or the people – the fact that the people here were so correct and the women were always discussing what was right and what was wrong… not “he loves me” “he loves me not” or “lucky” and “unlucky” but simply “right” and “wrong” or “who has the right” – as if there were a ruler inside them that could always draw the line between right and wrong, and if you were always on the side marked “right” then everything was fine. The women here often lived alone, brought up their children alone, not always because their husbands had left them, but because they felt it was right. Natalya Filippovna liked these independent-minded women. Why couldn’t she live like that too? She had the feeling, however, that it was only here in this wet, grey land that she would be able to think and live that way – if she went back to somewhere in Russia, perhaps beyond the Urals again where she had come from, she would have to live life differently, accepting, putting up with… But she did not want to!

And anyhow, her child was enough for her. The child that she’d found herself expecting, rightly or wrongly, that was something else she really wasn’t sure about… Quite simply, she wasn’t so alone… she had someone to live for… And work was stressful enough as it was. Watching the soaps on TV was as much as she could manage in the evenings… Earning more than the Estonian average wage was not an easy thing to do. As for having a man to look after as well… no way!

Natalya Filippovna worked in a large electronics factory. There she soldered components the size of specks on to circuit boards. She worked on the circuit boards that were fitted inside machinery, telephones or any other equipment, making the pathways through which electrons would flow, quick as a flash, at lightning speed… The work was precise and quick, they said it was for people under forty-five, but she managed all right because she had always been precise and nimble enough. She had no problem with the work – in a warm clean room. Of course she had to do shifts and when there were rush orders she had to be there on Saturday and Sunday too, but she was paid extra for that… and the factory bus took her to and from home. She was already over forty-five but productivity – speed and quality – was monitored and she was always rated a little above average. The key thing was to last out at least the few years until her daughter had finished school. Then she’d be able to stand on her own two feet, not that there was any need for her to find a job mind you – nowadays even young people had trouble finding a job, although granted, Sofia could speak the language… but she was so – how to put it? Woolly-headed? No, that wasn’t the right word because she was doing very well at school… But she was unworldly… with such dainty long fingers and a build like a beanpole. Who’d employ someone like her, and what work would they give her? Perhaps she should try and get into a university on a scholarship so that she wouldn’t have to pay. A student loan would be dreadful. It would hang over her for half her life. A loan of any kind was an awful thing… Things were better in the olden days. You couldn’t get loans – there was no temptation to because there was no opportunity. And you could always get work, you could always get some kind of work, you didn’t have to suck up to the boss. If the boss yelled at you, you could yell back, but nowadays no one ever dared raise their voice. Granted, there had been nothing in the shops to buy, but people still had food to eat and no one was turfed out of their flat… If, of course, they’d been lucky enough to have one – there was no chance of a flat for people working in kindergartens… but no one had had to beg either. Just try talking about it when Sofia was in earshot though, she would not hear anything of it, she would get so irate. She only goes and defends the Estonians! It’s because she speaks Estonian so well and reads Estonian books… the Estonians think that they destroyed the Union. And there are even some Russians who agree with them, they think that the eternal Estonian fascists destroyed the Union, when in fact of course the Union broke apart all by itself. Last time Natalya went to visit her family, when her mother was still alive, deep in the Soviet time, when Gorby was still fighting vodka and the trip was straightforward, there was no need for visas or anything, and her uncle had told her, “The Union’s breaking up, you must have noticed. The trains are no longer running to time, if they run at all that is; the coaches have disappeared, whole trains have gone missing, you must have noticed. Once the railway stops running properly, the country will follow soon enough, it’s like the thaw, it’s unstoppable.” Her uncle knew about these things, he was a third-generation railway worker, his own father had seen the tsar leave… So Estonians or no Estonians, the Union would have broken up in any case. Any peck that tiny Estonia landed on mighty Russia would go unremarked, though sure enough, once it was riven with cracks, a teensy tap would be all that was needed to smash the whole thing apart…

Once Sofia was able to stand on her own two feet then Natalya would be able to get by, perhaps as a childminder… She’d have earned much less as a childminder, no more than the minimum wage, and she’d be on the go all day. Shift work was better; sometimes you just needed some time in the day or a morning to do things in town… Like going to the doctor’s…

She’d barely gone to the doctor’s at all during independence, and never for herself, just occasionally for the child. In fact her daughter had managed to make her own way there but now there were so many places that asked for money, lots of money, and she wasn’t keen to give it to her. Sofia was so lackadaisical about money; she’d put it in her pocket and it would fall out with her hanky… Or if she put the money in her bag she’d leave the bag on a counter somewhere. She was sharp though… There were no Bs in her school reports and she read Estonian freely, and English too. Every Friday and Saturday evening she would sit in front of the TV half the night and listen to the dreadful thud-thud-thud and interviews with the musicians responsible for the din, but it wasn’t all bad. She learnt English that way, and that was something that she definitely needed in life, perhaps even more than Estonian. No, definitely more. Besides, she wasn’t bothered about partying in the evenings.

Natalya Filippovna was pleased when Sofia invited her friends home, and what’s more they didn’t turn the TV up too loud either. If they had done, the neighbours would have come and complained. With earplugs in she could sleep. Natalya Filippovna had learned to sleep whatever the circumstances – in full daylight or amid noise. It was essential with the shifts at work when you had to be just as quick and accurate at night as during the day… Finally, the most important thing was for the children to be at home indoors, not mooching about goodness knows where.

That Thursday Natalya Filippovna and Sofia went to the doctor’s. Sofia had to miss school because of it of course, because the only free appointment that the doctor had was that morning, otherwise they’d have had to wait another month, but the appointment was important. Natalya Filippovna had been told that this doctor was the cleverest doctor in the whole of Estonia, or at least in Tallinn, and what this one didn’t know, no one did.

As a matter of fact there was nothing wrong with Sofia at all. She was a completely healthy child. Oh, she often had a cold or a sore throat or fever, but these things passed. Otherwise she was as fit as a fiddle. It’s just that her teeth were a bit crooked. Well, not crooked, just a bit too close together – one of her incisors was slightly, but barely noticeably, in front of her other teeth. Natalya Filippovna even thought it endearing, as if one of the front teeth were planning to push in front of the others but was in two minds about it… But it wasn’t even so much as a blemish. All right, perhaps if she’d wanted to be a model, and she was cut out for it right enough – she was already taller than Natalya Filippovna and as slender as a whip with her long, wheat-coloured hair… Just like her father: tall and slender, just as compact, and an oval face like his too – that’s why there wasn’t much room for her teeth. It really was no more than a blemish. She didn’t think anyone would have cared in Russia, Moscow or Saint Petersburg, but here children were sent to the doctor’s, here all the kids went round with braces on their teeth… Natalya Filippovna had left it late: the braces should have been fitted when Sofia was seven or eight but that was just when the Union was collapsing, Estonia’s money was diverted to other things and Natalya Filippovna had lost her job – her job as a crane operator. If she were still a tower crane operator, she’d be drowning in money now and have no worries about work at all. But she couldn’t cope with tower cranes — being so high up made her feel sick, and no one had any need for ordinary crane operators any more… It had been such a huge worry that she’d simply forgotten about the braces, and besides Natalya didn’t see Sofia’s teeth as an emergency. They’d been reminded about it during a school dental check-up, but no one would treat Sofia now; they said her case was too complicated, told her to close her mouth, and that was that. When during the flu season, her front tooth that hid shyly behind the incisor began to hurt, Natalya Filippovna became seriously worried: what would happen if the barely visible but completely healthy tooth were to fall out? How would her daughter set out in life? False teeth in such a young girl? They could crown it of course. Natalya had a crown with a bridge herself; it had cost her a fortune mind, even though it had been done in the Soviet times. They would also have to file down another tooth so they could fit the bridge. What a horrendous thing for such a young child… The doctor did nothing about the tooth though; he just prescribed some tablets and some gel to massage into the gums and wrote a referral to another doctor who could give advice on dental matters – who could even apparently cure periodontitis and knew everything there was to know about teeth. He said that if there was any further delay then she would definitely lose the incisor…

The doctor who knew everything there was to know about teeth was a respectable-looking, grey-haired gentleman with his own secretary and a team of young doctors reporting to him. He examined Sofia’s mouth at great length before he asked her to close it and finally said that the condition was serious but even so he thought there was one doctor in Estonia who could treat it.

He said that Natalya Filippovna could trust this doctor, this orthodontist, if this one told Sofia to close her mouth and then said that nothing could be done, then nothing could be done. This doctor had trained in these types of cases and wasn’t called “doctor” just because that’s how physicians and dentists in Estonia are addressed: no, this was a doctor with a PhD from a Finnish university and spent half the time working in Finland and half of it here… And now, this Thursday, she had this appointment with this orthodontist who had a PhD.

This doctor was completely different from all the others that Natalya Filippovna had seen before. Well, not completely different – human like anyone else, but different in type from the doctor of Natalya’s imagination. Natalya had expected the most distinguished orthodontist in the whole of Estonia or definitely in the whole of Tallinn to be at least as respectable-looking as the previous one: a grey-haired or perhaps balding gentleman, probably older than him, perhaps bespectacled, and definitely a man… You couldn’t tell whether Estonians were men or women from their surnames, unlike Russians. Of course she could have puzzled it out using the doctor’s first name, but Estonians’ first names were a real mix: Teet was a man’s name, Reet a woman’s… It was the same with Elo and Eno: one of them was a man’s name and the other a woman’s, but which was which? And sometimes they were married to each other. Teet and Reet! The Estonians are gender-neutral and no mistake. Yet the orthodontist was a small, young woman like a baby bird. Even her hair was fair, short and fluffy – just like a baby bird! As for her age… well, to be honest she didn’t look old enough to be a doctor, at least not the kind of doctor who could be the best in Tallinn let alone the whole of Estonia. Going by her age she could have been Natalya Filippovna’s daughter; Natalya’s baby, the one she’d miscarried that time, would probably have been about the same age. Not that a child of hers would be a doctor, mind.

On the other hand, thinking about it, this doctor had made her nest in the city centre where the rent was really expensive. And there was a light, spacious waiting room with soft divans and chairs and plenty of beautiful magazines flush with glossy photographs that she would have been happy to pore over, about health and food and gardens… Not that a single one of them was in Russian mind you, but pictures like that needed no explanation… And she had to fund it all from her work as a doctor – so she couldn’t be a bad doctor… So when she sat her daughter in her chair and looked into her mouth, it was like a goldsmith getting down to work. She said that the panoramic X-ray they’d brought with them was useful, but that it was not enough on its own, and they would have to take another in profile… Anyhow, the doctor picked up some callipers for measurement and set to work on her daughter’s mouth.

Natalya Filippovna had taken her daughter to several doctors in her time, but none of them had been able to explain a thing. She’d finally found one who said that the only thing they could do was wait. When Sofia was eighteen she could have an operation to carefully break her jaw and then widen it somehow. Natalya Filippovna found the idea so horrific that she stopped visiting doctors altogether. This doctor had a model of the jaw that she snapped open and shut to show how someone’s bite should be and what Sofia’s was like. Only now did it dawn on Natalya Filippovna why all the doctors had asked her daughter to close her mouth: it was because everything in there was in the wrong place. It wasn’t just the upper and lower front teeth that wouldn’t bite together, it was her molars too, and this caused tension in the jaw joints to the extent that they were becoming or had already become deformed, exactly how badly Natalya couldn’t remember, so great was the shock. What she did remember, though, was that if nothing was done then the joints would become stiff in around fifteen years’ time and she would no longer be able to open her mouth. She’d only be able to drink from a small beaker and as for eating, well, she’d only be able to put thin slices of food into her mouth…

Natalya Filippovna tried to argue that she’d never seen anyone who couldn’t open their mouth, and the doctor did not bridle at her argument; she merely explained that such people were definitely around, it was just that we didn’t notice that they talked with their mouths half-closed…

“What language was she speaking?” Natalya asked her daughter as they made their way home.

“Estonian,” said Sofia. “You spoke in Russian but she replied in Estonian.”

“And I understood everything?”

“Of course,” said Sofia, “she made things clear as crystal!”

But Natalya had the feeling that the reason she’d understood was that what the doctor had had to say was so horrendous, she would have understood her even if she’d been speaking Chinese.

How could it? How? How could it be like this? Natalya Filippovna asked herself over and over again. How could it be that in fifteen years’ time Sofia would no longer be able to open her mouth, and if they hadn’t seen this doctor, this orthodontist with the PhD, that’s how it would have been, and that’s how it could still be, if she were unable to find enough money to pay for the braces, because apparently the powers that be had decided that children’s braces would no longer be funded – children’s dental treatment was free of course, but parents had to pay for braces themselves because “malocclusion” – a poor bite – was a cosmetic defect. This was exactly what the health insurance people said, and it was just what Natalya Filippovna had herself thought until now, but how could it be a cosmetic defect, if the person affected wouldn’t be able to open their mouth in fifteen years? How could the sickness insurance system be so stupid? The stupidity of it brought tears to her eyes.

Natalya Filippovna cried. She was depressed and the insurance system appeared to be a monstrous iron machine, while Sofia was so fragile and helpless. The machine was threatening to imprison Sofia inside her own jaws.

“Don’t cry, Mum,” said Sofia, stroking her. “If you can’t afford the braces then I’ll earn the money myself, I’ll get a job in the summer…”

“Right, and just where are you going to get that kind of job?”

And then they started discussing how to find the money. It wasn’t completely impossible, because the money didn’t have to be paid all in one go: the doctor had even given her a schedule – a treatment schedule setting out all the costs, and had even comforted her herself with the fact that there was no need to pay for everything at once, the treatments lasted eighteen months… Or actually, a bit longer, because first they would have to extract Sofia’s wisdom teeth, but that would be done for free by her usual dentist… After that, there would just be some spacers – costing 350 kroons – and in the second week X-rays, impressions and tests – they cost 1,400 – which was manageable… But then came the appliance, the first appliance as the list said, and that cost 6,400 kroons in one go. Then there would be the adjustments – in just six months she would have to come up with 9,800 to make ends meet. And with another 19,000 kroons in the following six months, and six months after that another 9,000 kroons, making a total of 36,800 kroons. Natalya Filippovna found it hard to imagine that kind of money, but spreading it across eighteen months she saw that it meant 1,800 a month and each month she had 2,000 to spare. If she was lucky she earned 5,000 a month – but reckoning on 4,500 would mean there would be 2,500 spare a month, 3,000 if she was lucky. From that sum you’d have to subtract the cost of the flat, food, clothes, everything else – paintbrushes, textbooks, paper, pencils, perhaps aspirin or more expensive medicine – after that there would be 1,000 left over, 1,500 if she was lucky… So what did that give? 30 kroons a day, in the best case 50… For both of them! “We couldn’t even afford to eat with that,” Natalya Filippovna again felt her throat tightening.

“Where will your pencils and paper come from? And the travel passes? I completely forgot about getting around – we couldn’t even buy bus tickets! I’ll get the works bus in, but you’ll still have to get the bus to school.”

“Child benefit,” shouted Sofia, “one hundred and fifty kroons a month – we can live on that! And I won’t be asking you for meat or bread rolls. We can both go on diets.”

“Don’t talk rubbish. You will not be going on a diet,” scolded Natalya Filippovna although in fact her own fleshy arms and soft cheeks embarrassed her. “If you don’t eat and your teeth fall out, what use will the braces be to you?”

“Teeth fall out because of scurvy, if you don’t get enough vitamin C,” replied Sofia knowledgeably, “but you can buy cabbage from the market for that. Sauerkraut! I can probably eat sauerkraut instead of apples.”

She began to make a list of what they could buy for thirty kroons. She had lessons at school on health and nutrition, and knew very well what people should eat. She knew nothing about prices though, because Mum preferred to do the shopping herself. Turned out that there was a fair amount you could buy for thirty kroons: a litre of milk, and bread, and eggs for both of them, and a small packet of margarine for two days, and sauerkraut…

“We’re a long way from starving,” pronounced Sofia confidently. “In World War II the people in Estonia ate moss and leaves off the trees. Most of them made it through.”

This historical empathy did not inspire Natalya Filippovna in the least.

“No way you’d survive long on moss,” she retorted, but then she remembered that Kiira’s mother had survived the Leningrad Blockade. There they’d eaten dogs and cats and pigeons – for as long as there were any to be had. And the trees had been stripped of leaves for food… Cat meat was apparently revolting but dog meat was quite nice – a bit like veal… Even as an old lady, Kiira’s mum would still eat bread as if it were sweets – she would suck dried bits and say that there was no going hungry as long as you had bread… There’d been no eating human flesh where they’d been. One of the neighbours, an old man – not a woman but a man – had died of hunger; he’d lived alone with his little grandchild and had died of hunger but the child had survived. Not everyone had eaten their children or their parents or even their grandchildren.

Natalya Filippovna sighed. Sofia had a way of seeing things that made them seem much simpler, like an adventure.

“Let’s imagine it’s an adventure!” exclaimed Sofia. “Let’s imagine that we’re under siege for a year and a half.”

“Riiiight,” murmured Natalya Filippovna tearfully.

“And maybe I can get myself a job? In summer at least? Some people sell newspapers, don’t they?”

Sofia was like a butterfly, like a reed wafting in the breeze, like a cloud floating up above. Why did she have to have this problem with her teeth, her jaw, that meant it might freeze open all of a sudden? It felt so unfair, so unbefitting.

Natalya knew it was all down to her own wantonness, her own sin! She hadn’t for a moment thought about a child at the time, there in Crimea on the shores of the calm, sighing sea, so great and warm and dark. She had wanted it to be this way, wanted Volodya – that was his name – to remain in her life like a dream, a beautiful dream so utterly different from damp, cold, grey Estonia or Grisha who yelled and got drunk and ruled with his fists and oozed a sour smell in the morning… Perhaps she was afraid that her beautiful dream might turn rowdy, sour and rank in everyday life? Not that she had a clue where to look for him now. If a child had crossed her mind, the possibility that there might be a child and that she might need support… Perhaps Volodya was now a wealthy man and would be willing to pay for the braces and a touch more because Sofia was the spitting image of him. No need even for any DNA testing, one look at her was enough… But she took pride in the idea that “the important thing is to bring up this child” – and in fact she had been perfectly capable of managing on her own… At any rate she’d need to borrow a bit at first, no way could she scrape seven thousand together quickly. Maybe Lyuda had something put away for a rainy day. Lyuda would trust her, no question, if she explained the situation and paid her back two thousand at a time…

Naturally, things were not as straightforward as Sofia had thought. They did just what Kiira’s mother had done: they dried small cubes of bread and sucked them – that was dead good. It didn’t bother her at all, after a while it was just like taking medicine or pills. At school it felt good to pop something into her mouth when everyone else dashed down to the tuck shop at break time to buy bread or crackers and Coke and chocolate. She would suck on bread and then drink water. Soon it became quite the fashion – sucking bread and watching your weight. The whole class sucked on cubes of bread – if they could be bothered to make them at home and bring them into school, and the boys would cadge them off the girls…

And yet her stomach always felt empty. And she constantly had cravings, especially for chocolate. After all she couldn’t accept anything anyone offered her at school: who would believe in her weight-watching and principles if she did? They would all realise that she simply didn’t have any money. She noticed that she would nervously peek into the bins when walking along the street, just in case there was an empty bottle in there. It was completely pointless: she would never have dared to pick one up and claim the deposit; someone might have noticed and labelled her antisocial. What’s more, given all the homeless on the streets, who would want to take anything from a bin – one of them might attack her. She had nothing against them in principle, but they stank. She reckoned that the very act of taking a bottle out of a bin would leave a nasty smell; even a mere glance at a bin made her feel that something might have rubbed off on her and that it would dawn on the others at school what that “something” was… She suddenly became aware that she’d started looking down all the time in the street and on the bus… Sometimes she spotted a twenty-cent piece, for some reason it was usually a twenty-cent piece. But picking it up was tricky – as if it weren’t the proper thing to do – especially on the bus… No one else did, they all went coolly on their way. Not Sofia… As she covered it with her foot she would adopt the expression of someone who’d lost something…

On top of that she suspected that Mum wasn’t playing fair at home: Mum often had sausage or even cheese in the cupboard at home for her and claimed she’d had something to eat at work, but Sofia could see that Mum’s eyes had sunk. Mum said of course that the weight-watching was working very nicely, but Sofia didn’t want her to be thin, or even just thinner. Mum had always been soft, plump and warm. Even as a small child she had been unable to understand why other children weren’t frightened of their thin mothers (even now she didn’t understand it). In her opinion a proper mum had to be plump…

Time moved on and the dentists worked on Sofia’s teeth. Her wisdom teeth were extracted one week at a time by the august gentleman dentist who had introduced them to their sparrow of an orthodontist (that was the nickname Natalya Filippovna had given their clever little doctor, and Sofia liked it – she imagined herself to be a crocodile, mouth open wide, and the orthodontist picking at it just like the little caretaker birds in a crocodile’s jaws). The last one (in the lower jaw) proved rather difficult, but finally Sofia had her first braces fitted, not the actual train tracks as yet, but braces that you couldn’t see: a brace fitted to the inside of the upper back teeth to widen the palate. The front tooth that had coyly held itself back was already standing in a single line with the others… She had questioned whether it was really right to have the braces when they were the cause of so much worry and the reason for her mother’s sunken eyes, but even when just her wisdom teeth had been removed, a feeling of expansiveness spread through her mouth. As for the braces that the dentists had said might make her mouth horribly sore, well, it felt as if they created an expanse throughout her head – as if her intellect and vision had broadened in some way…

Then one day when she came home from school she found her mother sitting at the kitchen table, staring at the window. That wasn’t like Mum at all. Sofia had never come home from school to find Mum, already back from the morning shift or just leaving for the late shift, staring so fixedly at the window, completely oblivious to her. Was she in a world of her own? That had to be it, otherwise she would have done what she always did; she would have come over to give her a hug, or if she were busy with something she would at least have called out and asked a question or explained what she was doing. Sometimes it felt like she was a bit of a nag.

“Mum, what’s up?” she asked.

Natalya Filippovna cried. She cried during the day and she cried during the night, even in her sleep. She wasn’t even sure whether she slept at all or just cried. If she were suddenly called back to work now it was more likely than not that she wouldn’t be able to do anything because her eyes were so red and sore from crying, and her head was thumping, and she had a pain in her chest, and her fingers were trembling – there was no way she’d be able to do anything with her fingers in that state. And now there was nothing for them to do anyway.

She had of course heard that things weren’t going so well at the factory. There was talk of a crisis engulfing the global electronics industry, of things not going well with their two main clients, and that there might even be lay-offs. That’s what the gossip was – not that she really paid much attention to it, perhaps because she was, after all, above average. No doubt her age was significant but what did that matter? She was above average for accuracy and speed, had never been off sick and her daughter wasn’t so young that she’d have to stay at home on the odd occasion that Sofia happened to be ill. She was a very good, effective worker. As a result she didn’t immediately understand when they called her in for a chat and said that with regret they could not extend her contract. Later it transpired – as the women had already guessed – that only people whose temporary contracts were coming to an end were being let go. This meant that they would not be laid off – only that their contracts would not be extended any longer. Then it emerged that they were not real workers, unlike workers with permanent contracts who could not simply be discarded in this fashion because they had to be paid redundancy money. Temporary workers could merely be tossed overboard. Natalya Filippovna found it particularly insulting that everyone was treated alike; their speed and accuracy and how much supervision they required counted for nothing. They’d always been happy with her, she’d never missed a shift and now they were suddenly letting her go while the slower, careless workers were kept on just because it cost the factory more to get rid of them… She understood of course that the factory had problems. Even if they actually got rid of the less capable workers on permanent contracts, the factory might not survive, but whatever way she looked at it it felt so unfair. Why bother to monitor and congratulate and praise workers, if it counted for nothing? As she stared at the window, she wanted to hammer her fist against the glass until it bled but instead she merely wrung her hands. It didn’t matter if she broke her fingers, but a broken window would have to be paid for… And how could Sofia live here then, in a kitchen with the wind whistling through… There was no money for new glass… How much would they charge for glazing these days anyhow?

Kiira brought her back to reality. Where from she didn’t know – not from the clouds but from a black hole somewhere. “You mustn’t cry. There’s no point in you crying like this; you’ll make yourself ill and you’ve got a daughter. Who’ll feed you both and what are you thinking of – that your daughter’ll end up on the street? You’ve got to find a job quickly,” Kiira scolded.

That was true all right. She had to find a job quickly. Not just any job because Sofia’s braces were waiting and she was still 7,500 kroons short. It wasn’t just the braces though – if she got behind with the rent they’d be evicted. She had half a mind to walk into the sea, the cold grey sea, go as far as she could, first wading and then drowning, going ever onwards for as long as she could – until it was so cold already that she would just freeze to death and have no more worries. But where would that leave Sofia? The very thought that she could think like this at all – forgetting her child, not caring about her, not caring about the braces – drove her back to tears.

“Stop snivelling! There’s no point in crying. You’ve got a child to feed and bring up. You can’t let it get you down,” chided Kiira. “Here, have another swig!”

The wine was good. The wine had a relaxing, softening effect, like being enveloped in soft cotton wool.

“I mustn’t get drunk,” she said. “If Sofia comes home and sees her mum drunk…”

“Don’t worry,” said Kiira, “we won’t have any more, we’re not men – we won’t drown our sorrows. We’ve only had enough to lighten the mood, just this one swig, we’ll have a good strong brew and then we’ll see…”

And they did as Kiira said. Natalya Filippovna registered as unemployed: the benefit wasn’t enough even to pay half the rent, but it was supplemented by a housing allowance and now every cent really counted because unemployment benefits were available only for a few months and there was very little hope of getting work at the job centre. She’d been hoping for a job as a caretaker or dishwasher or cleaning lady. The pay was really low – the minimum wage – and there’d be no paying for braces on that, but at least they wouldn’t be thrown out of the flat. It would be just until she found something better. In the past she’d held down three caretaker jobs… But now she learnt that these jobs had all been taken long ago by pensioners, because pensions weren’t enough to live on. After all, a bit of snow shovelling in the early morning never did anyone any harm… And caretaker jobs were much sought after; you couldn’t just walk into one like in the old days. They all asked for work experience! Only qualified caretakers with previous work experience were in demand. Yes, specially qualified. Your caretaker work was no longer what it used to be. Now they had different brushes and sponges and pastes and powders, polishing wax for the floor and all kinds of machines, and everywhere they said you had to speak the official language. If the client said or asked something in the official language you had to be able to answer – it was the same for shop assistants – you had to be able to understand and reply! But the moment she was asked a question and had to reply, Natalya Filippovna understood nothing – her face went red, she bit her lip, and a rushing sound filled her ears, muffling her hearing. It always happened just when she was asked a question that required an answer and because of the swishing sound it was impossible to understand anything or think of a response… The only thing she got at the job centre was depression…

Then one day Kiira arrived with some news: there was A WAY OUT! There was a job, although not a permanent one – a temporary job as a replacement so it was only definite for a couple of months, perhaps four or five, that was the downside – but there was no need to give up the benefits, and the work was in the evenings. The job was a bit like being a carer for the sick, and it would be cash in hand every evening. And there was no need for the official language, in fact there was no need for any language. Only a patient mindset. How could it be – a job like this?

The new job was not far away, in fact it was right there in Lasnamäe. And not in a factory or an agency, but in an ordinary flat in an ordinary nine-storey block. Kiira said it was some kind of social work, helping people. At first sight it definitely didn’t look as if anybody was in need of help in there – it looked classy and up to European standards. It was larger than Natalya Filippovna’s, definitely three rooms, perhaps four. It was very clean and tidy but different from Natalya’s. Everything in hers was simpler, bluer, yellower, greener, with light-coloured curtains adorned with a pattern of little flowers. Here everything was darker and more luxurious. Through the door that opened into the living room – it probably was the living room – she could see a large, dark, soft sofa and dark red velvety curtains – like in some kind of palace. Or somewhere in the south. Yes, for some reason the curtains she’d spied through the doorway reminded Natalya of Crimea and she felt a frisson of warmth, as if the clock had turned back for a moment.

There were only two people in the household: a husband and wife, both around Kiira and Natalya’s ages, perhaps slightly older. The woman was as plump as Natalya Filippovna, but more flamboyant in colour – florid red lips, a square face and small black stripes of eyebrows. The man was shortish and stocky, the type whose appearance never betrays his age; he was bull-necked and fair – his eyes, brows, the few hairs that traced a thin yellowish grey strip over his bald patch – all fair. The man appeared nervously matter-of-fact.

He shook Natalya Filippovna by the hand and said his name so quickly that Natalya couldn’t catch it, then introduced his wife just as quickly. Well, no matter – likely as not she could find out their names from Kiira – seeing as they didn’t introduce themselves to Kiira the three of them must know each other already. Kiira had so many friends – a whole city’s worth.

“Let’s go into the kitchen,” said the man. “Kitchens are better places to drink tea in.”

The kitchen was simpler with light-coloured furniture, and over the table hung a large lamp with a globe shade covered with an orange fabric. There were jugs ready on the table, small glasses and a bottle of brandy. The brandy was a Moldovan brand – Bely Aist. Everything – the glowing orange lamp and the bottle of brandy – reinforced the impression that if you looked outside you’d see plane trees and the warm dark sea…

“This is good old stuff!” said the man. “A shot of brandy helps keep your wits about you. And if you can’t do that these days, you won’t cope!”

The man swallowed some brandy and the woman some tea – from a large, round Thermos flask. When the woman had sat down, the man declared, “Right! I don’t like lots of chit-chat and explanations, because time is money and we can’t just fritter it away!”

At these words Natalya froze because she had time aplenty these days and felt guilty that she was so foolish and incapable. She had time but didn’t know how to make any money from it; she was just frittering it away, a valuable source of funds.

“We have a problem,” the man continued. “Everything was fine before: I drove the taxi, I looked for clients and my wife looked after them, but now it so happens that my wife is ill. She has to go in for an operation. More likely than not everything will go well – women’s trouble – they’ll keep her in, but it’ll just take time – in hospital and at home. She’ll be over it in three or four months definitely, that’s what they said… But we have trusted, regular customers and don’t want to lose them. And they – they trust us too; these days stable businesses are all built on trust… But we’re going to have to stop providing our services for a while – and our customers won’t wait. They need the service we provide. They’ll go looking elsewhere and then, well, we can forget it.”

He paused for a few moments, bowed to Natalya Filippovna and spoke to her with great conviction and intensity, “So we need someone, a replacement. Someone clean and tidy who can keep things to themselves. And of course, someone who can take my wife’s place – because our clients are shy with us, coy, and not used to new… That’s how it is!”

“Keeping things to myself is not a problem,” said Natalya Filippovna hesitating, “but what will I have to do?”

It all seemed too plain and simple.

“Nothing,” the man replied, “just lie back – and at the right moment, spread your legs.”

“What? Sorry?” mumbled Natalya Filippovna, a bitter lump rose in her throat and took her breath away, “I don’t understand…”

“What is there to understand?” said the man. His voice became a shade warmer and he explained slowly, patiently, as if to a child, “Men have needs; many men have needs but no opportunity, and they’re nervous of brothels; quiet, respectable men who are willing to pay if they can only find a small, safe place that services their need… What’s the harm in that? I know how to choose clients. As soon as someone gets in the car, I know if he’s single and desperate. I can tell straight away who the troublemakers are. I don’t accept them, I take them to a brothel. But everything is safe here, with condoms. Anyone who refuses can go and find some stupid girl, I wouldn’t offer my wife to them, and the conditions for you, Natalya Filippovna, will be exactly the same. And it’s good money: half a grand up front that we can split between us fifty-fifty. That means a quarter of a grand a time for you, six thousand a month for definite, and for only a few evenings a week. If it’s late, I’ll drive you home. You live nearby and I’ve got a car downstairs, no problem… It’s a really good offer, you think about it… It’s not something I’d offer to anyone quite frankly, just like that, but Kiira trusts you…”

She heard the words as though muffled by other sounds. The man opposite her looked hazy and yet she understood every word, and saw how the man eyed her, hard-headedly, appreciatively, like gift-wrapped merchandise on a shop counter, seemingly pleased with what he saw… Everything was at the same time so hazy and so clear, as if Natalya had two pairs of eyes and two pairs of ears – in one set everything was foggy and raucous, but in the other everything was clear and sharp…

“But how…” she said – Grisha! Grisha used to beat her solely because she had a… a fanny that she might… might shag other men with… “But how do you bear the idea that your wife… with complete strangers, for money?” And she burst into tears.

The man seemed to find this verging on amusing.

“There, there,” he comforted Natalya, “have another drink… What a sheltered life you’ve had… Things aren’t what they used to be you know, bread always on the table, roof over your head, work easy to find. Nowadays you have to settle for what there is and use it to the best economic advantage; you can’t let anything go to waste or just stand idle these days – people need to provide a service whether it be using their brain, their hands or their crotch… What do you think it is that politicians do? They sell their brains – everyone sells what they have. It’s nothing to be ashamed of… What is it that makes a brain better than a crotch? Or any worse? Is it that one of them should be sold and the other shouldn’t? I was crippled when I was in the army, with no children, and now I can’t get it up any more. What good would it do to deprive my wife, just because I can’t get it up? If she wants sex, then why do it free of charge? She may as well do it for money if the demand’s there and there are plenty of buyers – it’s a win-win situation. The punter gets relief from his distress and my wife still has some money to put aside for her old age. Otherwise she sits here at home by herself, with idiotic thoughts troubling her…”

What he said was so clear and so right. There was no arguing with it. But it seemed so awful, terrible, so dreadful – like a deep black pit…

The woman brought her some more tea. And added some sugar. Very sweet, hot tea… It eased her throat… Somewhere as a very small child she’d once had very sweet tea, drunk with a cube of sugar between her teeth too in the old-fashioned way – as much as she’d wanted. A terrifying black animal had chased her along the muddy village road – a dog or a pig — and then there’d been women round her, not her mother, just some of the village women… Just like this woman and Kiira were now…

“There, there!” the woman repeated her husband’s words. “You’d be doing us a great service! I can probably be back at it in three months. It’s just that Vova doesn’t like to lose clients – and they’re all respectable clients, they’re not weird, and you don’t touch them – there’s a condom between you…”

“No, I just couldn’t,” she told Kiira on the way home. “Why on earth did you put me up for the job? And why didn’t you take it yourself? Why did you offer it to me, if you won’t even do it yourself?”

“Because you’re in dire straits,” said Kiira, offended, “and of course I’d take it, if I had a child to feed and rent to pay and no hint of a choice – think of the money, just weekday shifts, in the evenings… Why wouldn’t I take it, of course I would…” Then she began to giggle, “But they wouldn’t have me – they wouldn’t have me. They’re after a curvy woman, pretty and quiet, the type of woman the punters are used to. I’m as skinny as a rake and I’ve got wrinkles a prune would be proud of. Not to mention argumentative… Their clients – they treat their clients with kid gloves; they wouldn’t offer someone like me to any client of theirs or he’d be out the door pronto…”

Kiira promised to carry on looking for a job for Natalya – a respectable, decent job, she’d only have to stick it out until she found one. What’s more, she’d be helping other people in trouble as well as herself and Sofia.

After this Natalya Filippovna did a great deal of thinking – the man, this Vova, was right, as was Kiira. Everything was safe, secure, and what’s more would do nothing but a bit of good all round. It would help everyone, whereas refusing would be bad for everyone, especially Sofia! Yet this was a sin. That’s what she felt, though many years, perhaps decades, had passed since she had really pondered what sin was – until now. It was all so confusing, so impossible to understand. Was Sofia really the product of sin? How could she be when she was so beautiful, so sweet and so full of her own life? What did she have to do with the sin that led to her being born?

Natalya Filippovna went to the church on the Sunday morning when Sofia was still soundly asleep. She didn’t eat before she went – just like before a blood test – because she wanted to do things properly, go to confession and take communion. She hadn’t done this for years. She was a very lax churchgoer. She did go, but only once a year for the blessing of the water. She always kept some holy water in a cupboard at home just in case, as a cure for Sofia, like in the old days when she was little and her mother and grandmother had kept a flask of holy water so they could dab some on her eyes or give her some to drink when her eyes were shining suspiciously bright and they weren’t sure whether she was ill or not… You should always have some holy water on hand. But she neither had the heart to drag Sofia out of the house on Sunday mornings nor the heart to rouse her. Anyway the child couldn’t have abided the long service. These days you could watch the church on the telly at home at Christmas and Easter. One definitely good thing about the collapse of the Union was that the church was no longer treated with hostility… So she would always go for some holy water. You could get the water at other times too, not only on the day of Jesus’s baptism. It was in the font in the corner of the church, but it never felt quite like the genuine article – it was as if the effect was always subtly different if you took some immediately, as soon as the priest had consecrated it.

It had been so long since Natalya Filippovna had been to confession or communion that she had completely forgotten how the whole thing worked. But it wasn’t complicated: she had to stand in a long queue for confession and wait until the priest placed his hands on her, and then stand in a queue at the communion table and wait. Waiting in the queue for communion meant she could see what happened when someone stood in front of the priest… But what she had to do before the priest went completely out of Natalya Filippovna’s head… She looked straight at him although she had no need to. She looked straight at him and noticed that he had a wonderful, bushy, black beard and gentle, pale eyes. And then she noticed that the deacon standing next to him was hissing quietly over and again, “Say your name… Say your name.”

“Natalya,” she said.

“Natalya,” repeated the priest – he had a gentle, soft voice – “what seems to be the trouble?” He did not say “Be penitent”, he did not ask “What sin have you committed?” – he merely asked, quite simply, like a doctor, “What seems to be the trouble?” And Natalya Filippovna felt everything whirling into confusion: what she’d intended to say was just that she sought forgiveness for her sins and wanted to take communion. She just couldn’t talk about what she was planning, or say that she was intending to do something dreadful and would like to fool him into blessing her for the appalling deeds she was about to do.

“Sometimes I don’t believe,” she said to herself unexpectedly, “sometimes I can’t believe that there is a God, when there’s no way out and there’s no work anywhere…”

Suddenly she felt that that was exactly what she had wanted to say, that that was why she had in fact come into the church, and all at once she burst into tears as she wasn’t biting her lip firmly enough.

“Just pray,” said the priest, “don’t pray for a particular thing, just pray ‘Lord, have mercy, Lord, have mercy…’ That will make it easier… God tests those whom he loves, those whom he trusts. He tests them harshly… Have patience and don’t worry…”

The priest spoke like this at length, wholly against the convention, and Natalya felt his voice chiming out and everything around him glowing and shining with happiness as if there were no cares in the world. The happiness cast light throughout the church and accompanied Natalya to the end of the service, still in the queue for communion. She saw how the dappling sun reflected off the icon of the Madonna, directly off the Virgin’s brow… What was it the priest had said? That God tests those he trusts? Had the Virgin had troubles too? Wasn’t it true that the Virgin had sinned too? She’d had an honourable man in Joseph, but just think, she’d got pregnant by the Almighty himself. So wasn’t that a sin? Why did it have to be a sin? Did God himself help in the commission of a sin? Why couldn’t the Lord descend directly from heaven, seeing as he’d ascended directly back there? Why did he need the Virgin at all? Why had Natalya’s honourable job been taken from her?

The glow vanished. Or perhaps the sun was just obscured behind a cloud and was no longer reflecting off the icons. Wasn’t it still shining through the windows? Had the priest given her some guidance? He had said to be patient and not worry. Did that mean that if God didn’t provide her with any other option, then she shouldn’t worry?

“Lord, have mercy, Lord, have mercy, Lord, have mercy…” She tried her best to repeat the phrase but it was as if Kiira’s voice kept butting in with words of solace: “Don’t worry, there’s no touching, there’s a condom between you.” As if that were really a fact of great importance…

For some reason she had the feeling it was indeed very important. She didn’t even know which sentence repeated itself more insistently in her head as she awaited her first client under the orange lampshade. However, despite this reassurance, she was trembling so much that her teeth were chattering.

“This won’t do,” said Vova, worried, “you need to have a stiff drink to ease your nerves otherwise you’ll scare the client off. This punter’s very calm and gentle. Don’t worry, he’s so gentle he couldn’t hurt a fly, but if you go scaring him off with all that din then he won’t give us any cash, perhaps ever again – even though he’s a regular client, comes every two weeks…”

“Give her another swig,” said Vova to his wife Ira, “I’ll call when we set off. Get her straight into bed to wait under a thick quilt. If it makes her too hot, well at least her teeth won’t still be chattering… It’ll unnerve him…” And off he drove to the port to pick the customer up.

Ira settled Natalya into the bed under a thick quilt, stroked her hand and comforted her: “Don’t be scared, Jaakko is a good man, calm and gentle… All of ours are calm and gentle… It’s no worse than having an internal at the doctor’s… Just imagine that you’re at the doctor’s. Just relax and everything will be fine… I’d say it’s worse at the doctor’s, sat on a chair with everything on show! At least here it all happens under a quilt…”

That Jaakko – he wasn’t so calm and gentle after all… So were the others even worse? He was small… Or not that small, definitely taller than Vova but slender… Well, not so slender in fact, but he gave the impression of being slight and fair. Although the room was dark, with only a night light, the impression was of a fair complexion and greasiness… And sharpness at the same time… Of course, Natalya had covered herself with a thick layer of vaseline down below so the body that climbed on top of her felt cold and greasy, and everything happened so quickly yet took so long, as if time had stood still, and it felt as if a lizard had climbed on top of her and entered her and she couldn’t believe that it was suddenly over, that escape was possible…

She was so numb from it all that when the client had gone and Vova looked in through the door, slightly worried, and said that another client would be coming today and that perhaps she could cope with another because he was such a good, calm, gentle client, very respectable and also a regular… Natalya could only murmur something in reply.

But when the man began to enter her, stubby and big, she burst into tears. Once again it was as if there were two Natalyas: one that cried and one that tried to quieten her as if explaining that she mustn’t cry, that although the door was shut, the boss and his wife would hear her crying anyway, in the room next door or the kitchen where they were at the moment… But the man did not force himself on her, in fact he drew away a little and, caressing Natalya’s hair and cheeks, he asked quietly, concerned, in good Russian, “What’s up? What’s happened? Did I do something bad?”

“No, no,” whispered Natalya Filippovna in between hiccups, “everything’s fine… You carry on… If you’re not satisfied they can’t take your money…”

“Oh, the money’s not that important,” said the man.

“No, no, it is,” explained Natalya, “the money’s really important, it’s the most important thing. I have braces to pay for, not for me, for my daughter because otherwise she might be handicapped and won’t be able to open her mouth any more, but the factory laid me off because there’s a crisis in electronics but it’s not their fault that they laid people off, electronics is in crisis the world over…” and she talked and talked, rapidly, evenly, in a whisper; she felt she had to make a clean breast of it quickly, before Vova’s suspicions were aroused because she didn’t know how much time Vova allowed for a punter. And now here she was, frittering all the time away jabbering on, and that was definitely something that had not been part of the bargain because the client was becoming the service provider in that he was just stroking Natalya’s head as she talked, perhaps occasionally murmuring something, although what he may have said Natalya did not notice.

Eventually she calmed down, perhaps because of the non-stop gentle stroking or the man’s low, lilting voice almost crooning to her, like a doctor, as if she were at the doctor’s and had to make a clean breast of everything, as if some good may come of it…

She sobbed and finally said, “They won’t be able to take your money off you now because I’ve frittered all the time away rabbiting on…”

“Please don’t worry about that,” said the man, “of course I’ll pay, I must pay, I’ve frittered your time away too just the same. It’s not your fault that I listened to you and did nothing else, your time was ticking away anyway… Just try and dry your eyes – otherwise the squire will think I’ve been too forceful with you…”

That was the expression he used – “the squire” – like in an old-fashioned story…

When the punter had gone and Natalya was finally dressed and stepped into the kitchen, Vova studied her for a long while in astonishment.

“Dima said you’re one shit-hot piece of skirt…” he said, adding falteringly. “Actually, he never talks so… bluntly. ‘What a woman’ is what he said… or perhaps it was something a bit more genteel…”

While driving Natalya home, Vova warned her nevertheless, “But don’t you go overstepping the mark. They’ve only paid for you to spread your legs. Nothing more. To them you’re just a hole that services their needs!”

But Natalya was miraculously calm inside. The moon shone over the bare field in Lasnamäe and its round, gnarled, pale face looked directly through the car window at Natalya, as if tinged with coldness, indifference, as if from a completely different, far-off time – as if everything were suddenly as clear as day to her…

It’s curious how after that first night, after she had tearfully sobbed out her whole story, everything was somehow different, different in nature – clear. It hadn’t got better, it was repulsive. Exceedingly repulsive. Yet somehow within the bounds of bearable. She felt that it was just a job – just like any other job. There was a coldness in her soul, a cold sense of duty – she was doing this for duty’s sake… There’d be at most two, or occasionally three of them a night, from Wednesday evening to Sunday, including Saturday night into Sunday, at 250 a time. But Sunday evening to Monday was free because Vova said that there were no punters or clients on Mondays. On Mondays they were all thinking about work…

“250, 250, 250…” she chanted to herself over and over in time with the movement of the man’s body. The men were different, but in one sense it was always the same – as if pressing on at an ever increasing pace over a mountain, until reaching the summit and then pausing there for a moment before plummeting down – that was her 250 in the bag… As the man’s excitement grew, so did Natalya’s hatred and resistance; she would have liked to let fly, bite, beat, destroy the man on top of her… but then the other Natalya would appear, cold and calculating, like Vova, and chant to her 250… 250 – it’s just a client, it’s just a client… Nothing else mattered to her. Besides, she was always separated from them by a condom… She tried to imagine they were covered in plastic, separated, and somehow she felt the 250 helped separate them too – it helped her not to notice the grunting, the sweaty skin, the fact that her body was being groped and grasped… Also, after the drive home she could have a shower. Now she could afford to use the shower, she didn’t have to think about not wasting water, especially hot water… But there was always something left inside her, a filth and a dread… Perhaps it wasn’t quite dread, but she began to have one particular frequently recurring dream: she would dream of Vova, but the Vova in the dream wasn’t just Vova, it was something or someone much more powerful, an incubus that blew icy cold; he was a tyrant, the boss, forever counting – 250, 250, 250. It was as if the other men, the clients, weren’t the ones using Natalya Filippovna’s body, but Vova himself, while repeating 250 as if he controlled everything, Natalya and the clients, their bodies – it was so strange – as if he’d banged some gargantuan drum that threatened to suck up each of their bodies and bludgeon them to a pulp. Natalya awoke from the incubus and even awake she still had the feeling that this was no mere dream, but a wretched reality…

Dima – as the boss and his wife called him – returned two weeks later. He darted under the quilt next to Natalya and lay there, as if dead, his hands crossed on his chest.

“Why aren’t you getting on with it?” asked Natalya, blushing.

She didn’t blush with other men any more – so why was she now? Or hadn’t she had the time to notice?

“I shan’t,” said the man, “I’m in training. You’ve given me the chance to – train myself – else it wouldn’t have struck me… that it’s so important. But don’t you worry about it…”

“But there’s no need…” said Natalya, “you can go ahead. Otherwise what’s in it for you… And anyhow, it’s not right if you pay without getting anything in return… And it doesn’t upset me as much as it did before… I just chant over and over – 250, 250. That’s what I get each time. It makes it easier somehow… or, I don’t know, it somehow makes the coldness… less terrible…”

“That’s not good,” said the man turning to her suddenly, “it’s not good to say that over and over again – there’s no point to it – you’ll get your money anyhow – why spare it another thought, there’s no need to think of the money when you’re going to get it anyhow – why bother thinking about the money?”

“But it makes it more bearable,” argued Natalya, “if you just keep repeating – remembering what it’s for…”

“It’s still not good…” said the man, “your body’s making the money anyhow – why think any more about it… You could think about something better…”

And then he whispered, suddenly fierce but entreating, “Think instead, at least if you can – Lord, forgive them, forgive them their sins, forgive them their sins – then you’d be helping us…

“I shouldn’t have asked you to do that, it’s too much,” he said, and got up quickly.

It had never occurred to Natalya that you could do that – not spare the least thought for what you were doing, what you were actually doing or why, forget about yourself altogether and instead repeat, “Forgive them their sins” – their sins!

It had not occurred to her before that she might care about other people, about someone other than Sofia – because Sofia was why she was doing this, Sofia was why she wouldn’t give it up, wouldn’t drink herself to oblivion, wouldn’t walk blithely into the sea or anything else… And she had to guide Sofia too – sometimes – although she was fairly compliant when it came to what was good and what was bad or what was unacceptable or inadvisable behaviour… But she’d never really thought that she would have the right to brand other people sinners. Now mountainous waves of hate would tower up against the men when they climbed on top of her, but it was an ineffable hatred and repugnance imbued with complete indifference towards them. She did not care about them. Apart from the fact that she earned money because of them. Had she earned her money in any other way, she would not have cared whether they were dead or suffered whatever punishment for their sins – or even if they didn’t: she harboured no persistent hatred towards them, no desire whatever for vengeance… They were merely bodies, sea slugs or an assortment of soft-bodied machines…

Now, though, they started to assume a form: even though she chanted in a purely mechanical fashion, unthinkingly, “forgive them, forgive them their sins, forgive…” the repeated words made them human again and even made her pity them, as if they had urgently had to buy a woman’s body and hand over their money for nothing more than short-lived satisfaction, not something that could by any stretch be called “love”, merely a hole into which they could empty themselves; in doing so they had sinned in some way, debased themselves… Quite why, Natalya could not explain, but that was what she felt.

She’d even once dreamt that all her clients were marching in torpid procession into a dark tunnel somewhere, a cold, lonely place, one after the other, yet each one on his own. It was so odd that she’d woken up and begun to chant, “forgive them, forgive them, their sins, forgive…”

If truth be told, she wasn’t entirely honest in her prayer, and the more she prayed it the more she felt she wasn’t being entirely honest: there was one man in the general crowd gradually flowing into the tunnel who stood out – the man who had asked her to say the prayer, a man whom she knew only by a Russian short name, Dima, but it seemed disrespectful in his case. No, she couldn’t call him that… Dima could be short only for Dmitri… Dmitri… Dmitrievich. As she didn’t know his patronymic that’s what she could call him, after all, why couldn’t a father have the same name as his son? In any case, Natalya felt this was less random than some other name… Dmitri Dmitrievich definitely shouldn’t be among them. That’s how it was from the very first night when Natalya tried to grant his request, and allowed her clients to flow past her eyes while she chanted mechanically to herself, “forgive them their sins… Father, forgive them their sins…” She didn’t bother to recall their faces, their shapes, she merely chanted the words and mused that she didn’t even have to picture them in her mind, because they were all just some among many. Just think how many of them there were in the whole world, one worse than the other… As she somewhat disdainfully and disinterestedly chewed over her prayer, she suddenly spotted Him among them, in the general flow, nodding, walking, as if in chains… Of course, he’d said, “By doing that you’ll be helping us…” us! – by using that word he’d lumped himself among the others. But he shouldn’t be lumped in with them. And the more Natalya said the prayer and tried to pray it as Dmitri-possibly-Dmitrievich had wanted – for all of them – the more she felt she was thinking only of one of them, “You, my love, my sweetheart, my darling, you mustn’t go there, Father, forgive him, please forgive him his sins…” but in herself she didn’t feel it was right because she should really have been praying for all of them.

Sofia had a secret that she’d kept from everyone, all her friends, even her mother. At first she hadn’t talked about it because she simply couldn’t – she must still have been too small. Later though, as she grew up, talking about it or thinking that way began to feel thoroughly unseemly. Since she’d been a little girl, she had had the feeling that there are some things you just can’t talk about to anyone. Some intuition, some inner awareness that although some things in life are a lost cause, you shouldn’t tell anyone about them because they would spoil in the telling… And now she was on the cusp of adulthood, it was completely impossible to mention it to anyone because everybody – Estonians and Russians alike – would think she’d lost it completely if she said that since she was a tiny child she had had this feeling inside that she would become the president of the Estonian Republic.

First it was impossible because she was female. Although actually, the Finns now had a woman president – and didn’t the Latvians have one too? Be that as it may, she couldn’t imagine the Estonians having one. And that was the least of it. Perhaps it wouldn’t be such a big deal that she didn’t have a real family – only a mother who, to cap it all, was an unskilled worker. What did it matter that her mother said that Sofia’s father had been the best, most beautiful person, and would never have abandoned them if he’d known she was expecting his daughter? That was her mother’s story, the one her mother wanted to believe… No, that wasn’t such a biggie; these days half the kids had absent fathers – they’d left or just weren’t around, no one knew how many there were. The killer factor was that she was Russian, and not from a long-established Russian family. Yes, admittedly, Kuperjanov was Russian, but Kuperjanov had won freedom for the Estonians whereas she, Sofia, had come as an occupier from somewhere beyond the Urals, from somewhere in Siberia, the place where Estonians had been sent in exile. Despite the fact that she’d been born here her roots were in Siberia. Even her surname – Tomskaya – was almost a reference to the place where Estonians were deported. No, the Estonians would have to be completely out of their minds to make someone like her their president… The earliest it might happen would be in thirty years’ time – certainly no sooner – but in all likelihood it would be more than forty: you couldn’t be president before you were forty-five because there was an age restriction, or to put it more accurately a youth restriction, but by and large presidents were all of a similar age the world over… What would have to be the matter with the Estonians for them to elect her as their president? Perhaps there’d have to be so few of them left that they would be almost dying out and it would be all the same to them if the president were a woman or black or even Russian. It wouldn’t be like there was a real president any more. Perhaps the Estonians would again get to the point they’d reached when the Russian forces had invaded and made Vares president, the poet with the bird’s name – the one who topped himself or was bumped off. Sofia had no ambition to be that type of president, of course, or to be like any other historical Estonian figure, yet Kuperjanov did retain some attraction for her. Although not a genuine Russian, he was at least a Russian Estonian, but he’d fought for Estonia’s independence and had had the good fortune to die young and no one took exception to his having a Russian name…

Nonetheless the fact remained that when the next Independence Day came along and the TV showed the military parade followed later in the evening by the president’s speech from a national venue, Sofia was left with two worries and convinced herself that she wouldn’t be up to it – she was bound to stumble when inspecting the troops or trip up over her words, and she couldn’t make that kind of speech and what was more, she didn’t want to. She didn’t like standing up in front of her class, let alone wanting to be on the TV. There would be loads of people picking up on every little slip and gloating over them all. Besides, who could force her if she really didn’t want to?

Independence Day, with its snow or cold and the military parade, always brought four words to her mind – the Battle of Paju – words that seemed to embody all the elements of the Estonia’s independence: a cold, snowy, bare field… and blood… There was no way that she, as a woman living her life now, would want to be anyone like Kuperjanov – because she’d turn out like Joan of Arc – as a woman she definitely did not want to be a heroic figure in that mould. On the other hand she would definitely want to be someone who could be relied on… And there’d been that dream of hers that had worried her: a dream she’d had when she was still very small, before she could read or write, or even really knew anything very much about either the Estonians or their presidents.

She had dreamt that three flags fluttered on the sledging hill at her kindergarten: one was red, one was red with little light blue waves, and one had three stripes – blue, black, white. The last of the three fluttered highest of all, above the others. When she’d woken up she’d told her mother about it and asked what the funny flag was, the dark one – but her mother didn’t know. Shortly afterwards the Estonians’ Singing Revolution had begun and they’d started to raise that very flag and Sofia found out what flag it was. She’d then had a feeling of déjà vu, a feeling that they were raising their flag partly for her, so that she would be able to fulfil her destiny… Fortunately at the time she hadn’t been able to explain it to anyone, and later she was astute enough to hold her tongue.

The Estonians really were different from the Russians. That much she had realised when she’d gone on an excursion to an open-air museum: there was a farmhouse without a chimney stack, a chimneyless dwelling, ancient… It must have been a conventional farmer’s home but one wall incorporated a log as thick as Sofia was tall. The log, roots and all, was part of the structure, and the flooring of the barn-cum-farmhouse was broad limestone slabs… In some ways it was clearly farmhouse-like with its tiny windows, low doorways and high sills, yet it had something eternal about it like the castles of long ago. Russian houses were built without foundations. When she went to St Petersburg once, they’d passed Russian villages along the roadside, houses closely packed one against the other and an older house, more twisted than the rest. Later her mother had told her that this was because the houses had no foundations. Where could people get stone for foundations? Russia was pure earth, there was no stone, whereas in Estonia there was stone aplenty and nothing but… To Sofia, this fact made the Estonians different from the Russians: the Estonians were here in their own land like a tiny sharp thorn wedged into the ground and they did the things they did in the way they had always done them; the Russians however seemed to be spread loosely across the surface of the earth, always ready to be on the move like the Ivan of Russian fairy tales who lay about on the stove and rode around on it… Ivan was lazy. The Estonians thought Russians were lazy but that wasn’t true. Or even if it was, then Estonians were no better for their busyness – they were just different. They were brusquer, clearer, more punctilious, whereas the Russians were more fluid, more discursive… Sofia couldn’t say which was better. Her mother was lovely – so round and buxom, like a gladiolus… Perhaps things seemed that way to Sofia because her mother liked gladioli. She always tried to give some to Sofia on 1 September to take to her teacher on the first day of school, although Sofia had now finally managed to get it through to her that it was no longer the custom to take flowers to your teacher on 1 September… Sofia liked to see them in a vase at home though; they were like an embodiment of her mother, white and pink gladioli… Only they always began wilting from below, just as the last blooms were emerging from the top. Time seemed to flow through their stems, and they had to cut off the wilted blooms at the bottom to persuade time that the gladioli were still flowering, otherwise they wilted as they bloomed…

She feared for her mother. Even though she’d found herself a new job, she didn’t seem to be at all happy about it. In fact she seemed rather dispirited. She went to work in the evenings and came back late when it was almost night. She had to be looking after someone seriously ill to be working lates for the family. The family drove her home late in the evening, so they were considerate, and from what Mum said the pay was decent. Sofia had already been fitted with braces on her upper teeth, there’d now be a break before the next big payment, and it wouldn’t be so big this time. Most of the money had already been paid, so there seemed to be more money for food than before. But it seemed that nursing the sick patient was grinding her mother down. Sofia would have gone with her to help, but her mother said it wouldn’t be right – in a strange flat… If Mum could go back to her old job in electronics, she’d been happy then, although tired sometimes… But now it felt as though she might wilt away and cheating time wouldn’t be an option…

“Why do you always go around with that glum look on your face?” asked Rael.

Rael was the type of girl who always came right out with what she was thinking, and sometimes spoke even more bluntly than that. That was why everyone – pupils and teachers alike – thought her nosey. But Sofia had learned to answer her by paying no heed – as if she hadn’t noticed that she could have taken offence at Rael’s questions. In her view she could talk to Rael freely if she ignored her argumentative manner. She had discovered for herself that Rael was often quite happy to say and ask things that other people shied away from, as if she were picking a fight, but if Sofia ignored it, Rael was completely normal again.

“What do you mean a glum look?” Sofia asked.

“Well, the kind of look that says you’re three months pregnant, as if you’re about to faint – it’s plastered all over your face the whole time… Sucking pieces of bread doesn’t appeal to me at all – could it be perhaps that you just don’t have anything else to eat?”

“So what if I haven’t?” Sofia asked in reply, unexpectedly bristling.

For the first time she had doubts whether it was always right to answer Rael directly. She realised only too well that Rael was scornfully asking, “Got nothing else to eat, have you?” But she was tired – she was tired of the pussyfooting around – about why she wouldn’t ever go anywhere, anywhere that had any hint of money about it, whether it was the disco, or the school supplies shop, because she dreaded the others buying anything, albeit the smallest cheapest thing… how would she… what could she say to explain why this or that wasn’t to her liking?

“I have nothing else to eat,” she said and now suddenly, abruptly and brusquely, she felt as if she’d cast all the bitterness of the last few months into that one sentence, and it surprised her how much of it there was and how it dissipated. “Mum was laid off, she was sacked because there’s a crisis in electronics – over half of them there were laid off and she hasn’t found another proper job, and now we’re living like they did in the Leningrad Blockade or in the Great Northern War – Estonians went hungry in the Great Northern War. They ate moss because there wasn’t even any bread!”

There were no words to express the pleasure she felt as she peevishly unburdened herself to Rael in bitter, accusing tones.

But Rael was neither cowed nor offended. Her eyes widened in bewilderment and she said slowly, “Hell, there’s no way I could do that… I tried to go on a diet once, but the next day I stuffed myself so much I threw up… And I don’t want bulimia, thank you… But there’s no way I could do that…”

“What would you do then,” asked Sofia, as caustically as before, “if you just didn’t have any money at all?”

“I don’t know… I guess I’d steal…”

“Get caught and they’d throw you in jail.”

“Well let them. At least you get fed in jail. The food budget for jails is bigger than the one for us in school. It was on TV once. Compared to jails the schools budget is mingy… So what are you living on then?”

“Oh well, things aren’t as bad as they were,” said Sofia.

She’d calmed down now all of a sudden, perhaps because Rael wasn’t making fun or mocking her. Instead she was putting herself in Sofia’s shoes, imagining what it would be like to go hungry, as if she felt a genuine practical interest. Sofia even felt embarrassed because she’d overdramatised her current situation. She explained that actually, things weren’t so bad any more because Mum had found something “on the hush-hush”. She was nursing someone and got home late in the evening when the patient’s family came home from work, but they got home very late, they must have the type of job where they had to work late and at the weekends, and because of it Mum had to work the weekends and late into the evenings too, so when she got home she did nothing but mumble and moan, wouldn’t talk about anything, it was as if she were fit to drop… Could nursing a sick person really have that effect on you? She hadn’t been able to tell anyone about it, and now she suddenly felt as if Rael was her only friend and advisor.

“And how,” exclaimed Rael, “that’s something I do know first-hand!”

It now transpired that although Rael’s parents were prosperous, or enormously well off compared to Sofia’s mother, or at least should have been judging by how Rael dressed or the hints she dropped about the places she’d been to, and the time she spent puzzling over the ones she hadn’t visited yet… and the type of music player she owned and even her mobile – only three people in their class had mobile phones, for goodness’ sake… and she apparently even had a computer at home. There was no need for her to queue to use the class computer; she could sit in front of one as long as she wanted. She explained that she had to nurse a sick patient twice a week. It definitely wasn’t as bad as Sofia’s mum’s job, because firstly the patient wasn’t a stranger, but her own grandma who was very old because she’d had Rael’s dad so late – when she was past forty, and he was her only child, so she had no grandchildren other than Rael. And that was a real drag… a real nurse actually visited her separately anyway, every day, and grandma wasn’t bedridden, she could move about under her own steam indoors and Rael didn’t really have to do much more than visit twice a week for around an hour at a time and read the newspaper to her, sometimes make a pot of tea and wash a few cups up. Occasionally the nurse had just left and had already read her the morning paper. She couldn’t read it herself because she was almost completely blind… She was more or less all there upstairs, but deadly dull and got right on her nerves. But she had to go twice a week and mind her manners while she was at it. So Rael understood Sofia’s mother very well. She had no choice because her parents said her grandma loved her such a lot and she was the only one, and because she got a grand a month for visiting and she wouldn’t be able to manage without the money as she always needed so much stuff…

“Do you reckon that’s an honest thing to do?” she asked Sofia. “They pay me a grand a month so I’ll go round, but I mustn’t tell her that that’s why I’m going, instead I have to say that I go because I want to – because I love grandma so much.”

“I don’t know,” said Sofia, unable at that moment to think about such a complex question because her head was reeling at the very thought of the possibility – a grand a month – two lovely pinkish-grey five-hundred-kroon notes just for reading the newspaper to your grandma twice a week. Why didn’t she have a grandma? Actually she had had one, somewhere in faraway Siberia, but she’d been dead for several years and even if she were alive it was highly unlikely that anyone would have paid Sofia to read her the newspaper – you needed to have rich parents for a start. Several factors had to coincide: you had to be an only grandchild with rich parents and a half-blind grandma…

“It’s not that it’s a complete lie, because I do love her a lot, it’s just that I’d love her better from a distance… Apparently I have nothing to do, whereas they think that they’re busy the entire time and that I’ve nothing better to do but mooch about and read the paper… And everything she says I’ve heard before. She just has to open her mouth and I know what the next word is going to be. It’s like I’ve downloaded all her stories a hundred times and my hard drive’s full.”

Sofia was still unable to follow her complaint fully and empathise with her…

“If I could earn as much as that I’d be round there four times a week, perhaps every day,” she said – and calculated that if she visited perhaps every day for a couple of hours she’d still have time to study late in the evening… And she wouldn’t be such a burden on her mum! If she spent half of the money and put half of it aside, that would be five hundred kroons a month. She could gradually pay back the cost of the braces… When summer came, she thought, she’d definitely try and find a chance to earn some money as a paper girl. Some of them were even younger than she was – perhaps ten years old. Or might she get some gardening work?

“Yeah, wealth isn’t shared equally in this world,” said Rael, not in jest or with any irony, but as if giving the matter some consideration – whether of the injustice in the world or of the possibility of finding a way out was not clear. “I could give you half, but you mustn’t let on – I’m always short of money…”

“What?” exclaimed Sofia, astonished. “That’s not what I was thinking at all. I was only thinking that it would be a cushy number – not that I wanted to do it. I was just thinking that it’d still leave time for studying,” and she was embarrassed that Rael might now think that she envied Rael her wealth, and the one in a million opportunity that Rael had… She felt so small and hateful. She felt so beggarly…

“That’s not what I was thinking either,” said Rael, “I was just wondering whether there might be room for us to go halves. We could visit together and you could read the paper and I’d do something else – I could make the tea for us all maybe… It’s just that I’d have to go too, they wouldn’t agree to me not going… You see, I’m my grandma’s heir, or that’s what they tell me at least, that it’s my name that’s in her will, and that I’ll get her flat as soon as I’m eighteen… Or when grandma dies anyway. But by then it’ll be high time to move out, when I’m eighteen I mean, because my parents are pretty much impossible to live with as it is… But if you did the reading I could at least put my headphones on and listen to something. The time wouldn’t go to waste… although going halves would make things a bit tight moneywise…”

Even so, Rael approached Sofia the next day and said, “Hey, I reckon we should give it a try – let’s go together and I’ll say that I’ve got a sore throat and you’ll be doing the reading – and I can put my headphones on and if she asks me something, you can just give me a nudge… that way I can ease you into her good books and then we can split the money!”

“But five hundred’s not enough for you, is it?”

“No, it isn’t. I was thinking about it all day yesterday. A whole grand isn’t enough for me either, about halfway through the month I tend to get down to my last penny and have to go and cadge it – I’ll just have to do a lot more pestering. It’d be no hardship to them to shell out another grand a month, it’s just that Dad thinks that money should be earned… Because he lived really frugally during the Russian time, at least that’s what he’s always rubbing my nose in anyway…”

Before Sofia visited Rael’s grandma for the first time, she dreamt she was sitting on a park bench next to an elderly lady, thin, once perhaps fairly tall, but now with a stoop, her hair as white and sparkling as snow swept into a tall bun on the back of her head, and her eyes sparkling like pieces of the morning sky through which the sun was gleaming. So much so that it hurt to look into them. And with one hand she held on her lap a small black puppy which occasionally whimpered and wriggled and was eager to be off, but in the other she held a cardboard punnet of wild strawberries. The strawberries were tiny, slightly squishy yet slightly dried, and she offered them to Sofia…

Rael’s grandma was just like that, except she didn’t have a puppy and she didn’t proffer any strawberries and you could look as long as you wanted into her eyes – as grey-blue as a murky sky – but you would find no curious sparkle to them…

“This is Sofia,” Rael explained to her grandma, “we sit at the same desk and she’s a really good student, nearly always gets just about full marks. I’ve brought her with me today to read the paper because I’ve got a bad throat and a bit of a cough…” and she coughed twice in evidence, “otherwise there’d be no one to read you the papers…”

“Oh it’s marvellous how you always worry so about your grandma,” said Grandma, although Sofia thought she detected something of a knowing tone. Was there not perhaps a slight jibe in there? Had she seen through their plan?

And to Sofia she said, “Ah, so this must be Sofia…” with a hint of coldness, as if she already knew what to think of her… and then added in businesslike fashion, “Right then, perhaps we should make a start… What first: Maaleht? Or perhaps Äripäev?”

Rael’s grandma had a large round table in the centre of the room piled high with papers and magazines – the older ones underneath and the newer ones on top, each in a separate stack. There were Maaleht and Äripäev, Newsweek, Nedelya, Financial Times, National Geographic and Der Spiegel…

“I don’t read the dailies,” she explained importantly, “there isn’t the time – and who’d ever get through reading me that lot. I have to listen to the news on the radio or the telly. If I put my ear up close, I can make it out all right…”

It became apparent that she didn’t have to read articles at random, instead Grandma had sifted through the papers and magazines with a magnifying glass, reading the titles and introductions in the largest type. All she wanted read were the articles she’d selected. Sofia started with a Russian article: “…last week the Russian securities market was again seized with panic …” she read and sneaked a look out of the corner of her eye in Grandma’s direction. At first, Grandma appeared to be very pleased – she nodded from time to time, her eyes half-closed and a slight smile on her lips. Gradually the nods became deeper and her breathing slower – was that her snoring?

Sofia suddenly stopped reading without being asked, but Grandma immediately said, “Read on, read on, speak up a bit!”

“Most probably, the interest rate will be held at 6.5% at the next meeting of the US Federal Reserve Board on 19 December. What Alan Greenspan says is important…”

Grandma’s eyes had gradually closed again, but this time her head was resting on the headrest of the armchair and she really was snoring gently. But it could be deceptive, like a trap, it wasn’t worth trusting to it…

“If the issue is the need to tackle inflation …” she continued.

“Bullshit!” shouted Grandma suddenly, almost making Sofia jump off her chair.

“Surely you must see that oil prices are so high that Greenspan himself has lost the plot! You read well but what you’re reading is bullshit…”

Sofia didn’t understand whether Grandma was reproaching her for reading such “bullshit”… She remembered the story that Genghis Khan had slain messengers who brought him bad news – had broken their spines…

“Don’t worry,” said Grandma as if in encouragement, “whatever rubbish your eyes are reading, just let it all come flowing out of your mouth, otherwise if you read quietly in a corner you’ll just drink it all in yourself. Let’s try Maaleht instead!”

In Maaleht, an Estonian agricultural weekly, Grandma had highlighted a story about foot-and-mouth disease. Sofia found it bizarre that a grandma who looked so small, with a long, thin face and the daintiest of long fingers, and had lived in a city all her life had any interest in Maaleht at all, let alone in foot-and-mouth disease…

“The epidemic has resulted in pyres of thousands of animals all over Europe,” Sofia read. “Culling animals because of foot-and-mouth is evidently the most effective and quickest method. Vaccinating would create a situation where animals carrying the virus may be left alive. A vaccinated animal can remain a carrier for up to one year. To prevent this confusion most countries in the world have imposed their own import regulations to the effect that countries with which they have reciprocal trade relations must not vaccinate livestock against foot-and-mouth disease. That is the requirement in the European Union. If the situation were otherwise, the European Union would not be able to compete with cheaper meat products from the United States. The culling of infectious animals is the most economically effective approach: if we started vaccinating animals, we would wipe out the export opportunities for Estonia’s meat and dairy products for the next three to four years…”

“What an abomination!” Grandma suddenly exclaimed in a piercing voice. “They’d kill their own mothers. Just for better opportunities for competition. Why do we, the Europeans, have to be at war with the Americans – why on earth do we have to produce more meat than we eat? It’s madness. Why are we wearing our land out? The Estonians are becoming as ridiculous as the rest of Europe!”

Then she leant towards Sofia and said quietly as if disclosing a great conspiratorial secret, “Foot-and-mouth isn’t generally fatal, it’s like the flu for humans – it can be cured if you look after the animal. Stalin himself cured foot-and-mouth, and even nowadays they cure it in Russian animals… but not for love of the animals – no – it’s for their meat, there’s not enough meat in Russia, not enough to go round… Everything’s run on greed!” Her voice had now swelled with a stern and piercing tone, and then just as suddenly it faded…

Sofia wondered whether to continue reading, but then Grandma said quietly, as if in a ghost story, just like the voice in the dream earlier, sending chills up Sofia’s spine, “This world is going to perdition, going to perdition… the deserts are coming… the world over… deserts, deserts…”

“Why deserts?” asked Sofia almost in a whisper because she found this hoarse prediction so frightening. Grandma was indeed listening – there was no deafness there now.

“Because,” she said suddenly goading, almost knowingly, “deserts come from evil, from evil thoughts, the earth cannot tolerate it. The earth is in pain – deserts are scorch marks on the face of the earth… All humans, all peoples, all of them are burning the earth with their devilry… The cows are earth’s teats; through cows the earth feeds people with its milk, the cows are holy, cows are the earth’s motherhood, cows must not be molested, but look what man has done to them – they tend them in small pens… And when they have worn them out they slaughter them… Look how many evils the Americans have committed! Like when they killed the bison in their droves! Why do you think that was? Just so that the Indians wouldn’t have anything to eat any more and would starve to death… they’ve still to pay for it… but the rest of humanity’s no better – the Germans, the Russians… they grow up on milk but kill each other… Not even the Jews are blameless, otherwise Hitler wouldn’t have been given the power to thrash them… What power would Hitler have had otherwise…”

Then she added, suddenly quiet, knowingly sneering, “I shouldn’t be talking like this… I’m not a Jew, I care little for religion…”

Sofia did not know quite what to make of that last sentence; for some reason she asked instead, “But what about the Estonians? There’s so few of them?”

“The Estonians?” said Grandma slowly, and asked, almost suspiciously, “What have you got to do with the Estonians?”

Sofia felt her face reddening – she didn’t know if it was because Grandma had realised somehow that Sofia wasn’t Estonian – did she still have a Russian accent then? Or had Rael told her? But Sofia sensed that no one had to tell Grandma anything – that she could see everything for herself when she stared intently like that – she could even see her secret…

However, Grandma did not require any more replies from her, she merely said, slowly and knowingly, “The Estonians… the little ruffians…” and sniped as if with a knife, “just look what they did to Sigtuna!”

The whole conversation drove Sofia into a state of utter confusion. But the thing that dismayed her most was that the earth might be in pain; could it be true that somewhere beneath their feet, under the tarmac, there might be a great being, immeasurably larger than an elephant or a dinosaur, who really might groan and suffer at the hand of the tiny creatures that were forever plaguing it?

“What did the Estonians do to Sigtuna?” she asked Rael on the way home.

“To what?” asked Rael.

“Sigtuna?” Sofia repeated, falteringly – she wasn’t sure whether she’d remembered the word correctly.

“Haven’t the foggiest,” Rael said, “what makes you think they did something to whatever it was?”

“Your grandma said, ‘look what the little ruffians did to Sigtuna’… That’s it, and by ‘the little ruffians’ she meant the Estonians…”

“Oh well, if that’s what Grandma said then they definitely did something dreadful to whoever it was… broke his neck… or disembowelled him, if it was a really long time ago… They disembowelled a priest once – the Estonians were no angels, you know… Grandma takes in everything she reads, and remembers anything she’s read, even if it was a hundred years ago…”

Perhaps the history teacher would know, although Sofia wasn’t sure that she’d remembered the name Sigtuna correctly – could it have been “Sigulda”? She’d heard of Sigulda – it was in Latvia…

“Do you believe everything your grandma says?” she ventured again.

“Such as?”

“Well, for example, the idea that the earth is actually alive? And that it could be transformed into desert… Made into desert by bad ideas, that bad ideas make deserts grow?”

“Ah, Grandma’s been telling you that load of old rubbish then!”

“But haven’t we just been learning about deserts growing all the time?”

“Well that’s because, because there are simply too many people… That’s why we need to irrigate and cut down the forests… You shouldn’t believe everything, you know… Anyhow, Dad says that anything might happen, it’s just as likely that a comet will smash into the earth and we’ll all be for it, but we can’t live as if that’s actually going to happen – if we’re scared of everything then we’ll never get anything done. Much better to live as well as you can, for as long as you can.”

Rael was right, of course. But if her grandma was telling the truth and everything was as she said, after all, that was how it had sounded when she’d said it, as if there were no doubt about it, in a voice that sounded like a messenger from the bosom of the earth, gloomily reporting what the earth had to say…

Sofia was suddenly overcome with distress: if it really was true, then were they and their lives so pointless, what was the purpose of her having braces so that she didn’t have to spend her life going round with crooked teeth and her mouth half-closed… What was the point of it? And yet Grandma’s story also offered some solace because if they were so pointless, then it wouldn’t really be of any import whether she became president or not, much less president of the little ruffians… There was no one in the world who was good, no good nation – even the tiny ones had inflicted harm on someone and if they hadn’t, then it was only because they hadn’t had the strength – and if there were a God in heaven… What if he really did exist? If he did, then why did he allow people to do harm to the earth? What was the earth guilty of? All it did was spin. It span on its course – why did it have to suffer? Mum’s friend Lyuda, the lovely, plump, ever-immaculate Lyuda had a dog, a small beige long-haired little dog that Lyuda always described as almost a full pedigree Pekinese. The little dog had caught fleas once and kept scratching itself and whining. “Where could he have picked them up?” Lyuda had wailed with an aggrieved expression, lips pursed and her fat soft cheeks a-wobble, and why did the poor animal have to suffer like that… Why, oh why do the innocent have to suffer?

That night in bed she couldn’t sleep – she had itches here and there as if suddenly being bitten by fleas herself. Eventually she fell into an oppressive, fitful half-sleep – it appeared to her that the earth was full of tiny people trampling its round belly and gnawing at it and whining snidely and jostling and tearing at each other, but the earth kept on spinning beneath them. It wasn’t really a dream, more of an anguished feeling, and it prevented her from nodding off… Some time later she began to feel the anguish mounting, gaining strength, and she suddenly noticed that she was not in fact asleep and that the anguish was real, audible from the adjoining room – that meant that Mum had come home without her noticing, and she was now asleep and moaning in her sleep as was usual of late… But Sofia was so horrified that she ran into her mother’s room and shook her.

“Mum, are you ill? Are you ill?”

Mum woke up with difficulty.

“Two hundred and fifty…” she murmured.

“What do you mean – two hundred and fifty?” Sofia almost screamed, and shook her mother again.

“I, I don’t know. It’s nothing…” her mother said, more clearly now.

“What’s wrong?” Sofia demanded, she felt so awful, she had the feeling that somewhere deep beneath their feet, under the building, deep in the heart of the earth something might suddenly happen, that everything might suddenly crumble to dust…

“Nothing,” said Mum, “it must just have been an incubus. An incubus might come if you sleep on your back. They throw themselves on you and try to smother you… you just have to roll over…”

“Mum, can I come in with you? I can’t sleep, I want to come in with you, there’s room for me,” begged Sofia and pushed her mum towards the wall.

“What are you doing?” her mother pushed her away. “You’re a big girl now… I’m not clean… caught something from the patient… Not OK…” but in the end when she saw Sofia sitting on the end of the bed and not going away, she said, “OK, let’s go into the kitchen, we’ll make some sugar water, tomorrow’s Sunday, we can have a lie-in in the morning…”

Sofia felt suddenly better and content. Sunday mornings were the best mornings – she could sleep and she knew that Mum wouldn’t be visiting the patient in the evening, so the strange family would have to look after him themselves… And the sugar water that she sipped was like something very clean and light that gradually, comfortingly spread through her… As if it made everything as smooth as glass…

“Mum,” she asked, “is the earth, our planet, alive?”

“I don’t know,” said Mum. She was quiet for a while – perhaps she was thinking about something else entirely – but then suddenly she added, “We Russians call the earth Matushka Zemlya, as if it were a mother to us, a good woman … So for us it’s as if it’s alive… Or is that what we say about Russia?”

When Natalya woke in the morning and looked in Sofia’s room, Sofia was curled up asleep in bed, hugging a globe. Natalya was surprised – Sofia had cuddly toys, a large black bear and a small, light brown cub, that she hadn’t cuddled for years, presumably from embarrassment that she was too big for them, but she would still arrange them at the head of her bed in the day and by the wall at night where they would watch over her from their station between the wall and her pillow. The bears would have been much nicer to hug; the globe, although smooth, was hard and had an angular handle… but she didn’t dare take it from Sofia’s arms. She’d wake up in her own good time, today was Sunday and she could sleep…

It was on her third visit to read to Rael’s grandma that Sofia found a stern-faced man with round eyes suddenly standing before her. Sofia hadn’t noticed how he had got into the flat or even the room, because she was tied up with an English article. The text was oddly worded and interesting at that. She didn’t understand all of it, of course, but as she read, a general picture formed naturally in her mind, and it was accompanied by photos that she’d have liked to look at and read the captions. She wasn’t able to because she had to read the article – and keep an occasional eye on Grandma as well, but now all of a sudden a black wall loomed between the two of them. He was a burly man, dressed in black, with black hair and strict-looking, bulging brown eyes that looked fixedly at her and said, “Ah, so you must be Sofia then?”

Sofia nodded because she’d lost the power of speech.

“And you’re the one working while Rael’s asleep?” he continued sternly.

“N-no,” stammered Sofia, although unjustifiable guilt brought her voice back, “Rael’s making tea in the kitchen…”

“Ah, Rael’s making tea in the kitchen, is she?” mocked the man. “Come and see how she’s getting on with it!”

He took Sofia by the hand and dragged her behind him into the kitchen. Rael was sprawled on the sofa, arms dangling, headphones on, eyes closed and a happy expression on her face.

The man removed her headphones and Rael sat up quick as a flash, snatched the headphones back and clasped the music player and the headphones tightly to her chest.

“Sofia said you’re making tea in the kitchen – making tea like this, are you?” the man asked, now scoffing.

“Yes,” grumbled Rael in an injured tone, “in principle I am, but it’s a bit early yet…”

“Ah, in principle you are, is that it? Well carry on with it then!” yelled the man, pointing at Rael under her nose. “Can you not get it into your skull that if you let someone else read while you make the tea, then you’ll carry on making the tea and be a kitchen girl all your life! You’ll throw away everything I’ve earned! Just you wait and see!”

“But I’m not just making tea,” whined Rael, “I’m listening to my music too! I have to keep in touch with the tracks! If I’m not up to the minute, what will I talk to other people about? Who’ll ever talk to me?”

“That music player!” shouted the man, and made a threatening movement that made Rael cower protectively over the player again. “Music players should all be smashed, destroyed; you’ll drive yourselves doolally with all that listening. The beat makes your brain soft. You’ll see, when you’re a deaf kitchen hand… or… or a tramp hunting through bins for food.”

He then turned abruptly to Sofia and asked, unexpectedly quietly but sternly, “Tell me, Sofia, what do you want to be?”

Sofia suddenly felt herself blush, her ears tingle and a throttling feeling somewhere deep in her throat…

“I…” she said, “I want to be an orthodontist!”

“A what?” the man asked, bemused.

“An orthodontist,” Sofia repeated, now confident, and explained that an orthodontist was someone who corrected people’s teeth and jawbones, and that it was very important because a narrow bite could put so much pressure on the jaw joints that they stiffen, leaving the person unable to open their mouth any more, or only able to open their mouth slightly so that they’ll have to eat only soup through a straw and put thin slices of things in their mouths, and it wasn’t an easy thing at all to become a good orthodontist, you had to be good at 3-D visualisation, 3-D visualisation was really important; you had to have very good spatial awareness… She explained it all quickly and enthusiastically – everything that her lovely doctor-orthodontist had explained to her while working on Sofia’s mouth, and Sofia felt that being an orthodontist really was her dream in life.

“Spatial awareness…” the man repeated thoughtfully, “do you have good enough spatial awareness?”

“I don’t know…” said Sofia, now somewhat perplexed, coming back down to earth.

She noticed that Grandma had also come to the kitchen door and was listening and eyeing her sharply, and Sofia again felt the throbbing and clenching in her chest overwhelming her because she sensed that Grandma knew she was lying… But at the same time she also felt defiant – after all why shouldn’t she want to be an orthodontist? In the end it was up to her to decide, wasn’t it?

“Wasn’t he just furious!” said Rael the next day at school.

“Was that your dad?” asked Sofia.

“Well, who else could it be… Him and his property! He’s always in a tizz about his property. As if I’ll need it. I’m going straight to America to be a model. At first he said only that he won’t be paying for anything any more, but then I said that I wouldn’t be able to pay you any more – that we were splitting the cash fifty-fifty, and that your mum’s out of work and you’re even eating leaves and moss… Just as well that you’re like a beanpole – he wouldn’t have believed me otherwise…”

“We’re not eating leaves and moss,” said Sofia, “just pieces of dry bread…”

“Well, not much difference, the main thing is that it worked! I told him that it wasn’t easy for me either, that I can’t manage with a grand, and that he sometimes sponsors people so why can’t I… Then he asked what your mum’s job was… I told him she worked in electronics – that’s right isn’t it? But what did she do?”

“I don’t know, something to do with soldering the boards, soldering circuits on to boards that made the electronic equipment work…”

“I can tell Dad… Anyhow, he didn’t say anything else – that means that we can carry on where we left off. He wants you to make the tea and me to do the reading though, but there’s no sense to that at all.”

At the next reading session, Grandma interrupted Sofia to say, “You read well. No mistakes, and clearly. You don’t stumble over words and you don’t gabble… My son wants Rael to read to me but I said to him, I said, so Grandma has to put up with a learner reader, does she? Why does he have to punish Grandma with someone who has to sound out every word? The thing is, he’s worried about what an old person like me might do, he’s worried I might develop some affection for a stranger and leave my wealth to her… Ha! What wealth do I have – this flat here’s all I’ve got… But my son is making sure that this tiny bit of wealth doesn’t fall into the stranger’s hands… He doesn’t realise that not everyone needs wealth – people like you don’t need wealth…”

The paper had sunk on to Sofia’s lap. She didn’t fully understand – was Grandma talking to herself or expecting her to reply? Or should she read on? But Grandma was looking knowingly at her, as if asking a question.

“I don’t know,” said Sofia, “I definitely need money!”

“Look here,” said Grandma triumphantly, “you can tell the difference between money and wealth, but you don’t even realise you can. Everyone in this world needs money – this world of ours, it’s under the rule of the devil, it’s dog eat dog! And everyone here uses money as a yardstick; money is the measure of your worth… But the worth of people like you isn’t measured in money, money flows through the fingers of people like you, it doesn’t stick to you, it doesn’t pile up under your feet, it doesn’t afflict you… but wealth, wealth does afflict people and once it’s started, it never fully lets up. It afflicts them when even a tiny drop threatens to drip through their fingers…”

Grandma spoke disjointedly, with pauses, and sometimes seemed to wait for a response from Sofia. But Sofia did not really understand what she was saying. Was it that Grandma thought it a good thing if money flowed through your fingers or did it mean there was too much wasted? And didn’t financial hardship afflict her just as much as it did Rael?

“Doesn’t money flow through Rael’s fingers too?” she asked cagily because Rael was genuinely forever complaining that she was out of cash and desperately needed this or that, that she was unfit to leave the house if she wasn’t wearing Davidoff. Cool Water was the only fragrance that suited her properly but she was a hundred kroons short, and it was the only thing she needed, she had everything else… Yet if she managed to cadge the missing hundred kroons by the following day and got her hands on the Davidoff, she would get bogged down in bags and scarves and braids and say something like, “Look, this is just the scarf to match that beige blouse of mine, you remember, the one with the flowers embroidered on it, it’s almost see-through…” all her happiness at the Davidoff having evaporated…

“Rael’s different,” said Grandma. “She’s like a starving person – she wants more and more things, that’s all; she’s forever wanting to see the things she can get for money. Money burns a hole in her pocket… Life might well prove hard for her…”

Grandma sounded quite worried as she spoke. Sofia hadn’t seen her like that before – Grandma seemed to be one of those people who was free of the concerns that ordinary people had, as if she were above them, but now all of a sudden she looked like a small, elderly, concerned granny, just like the ones in the shops who crumpled their purses in their fingers and weighed up whether to buy a morsel of sausage or soup bones… Sofia knew some little grannies like this and understood their feelings – that was thanks to the fact that lately she had been lurking in shops, swallowing saliva and fearing that people noticed when she did so… And for some reason it was precisely those women, the little grannies, whom she had noticed – their facial expressions suggested they were working out the best option, but she realised that in fact they were weighing up whether they had the wherewithal to buy anything…

“But she’s not a bad sort,” said Grandma, as if reconsidering, “no, she’s not a bad sort…”

And then she beamed, as if switching on a light, “She is a lovely child…”

Sofia was suddenly suffused with sadness – or even bitterness, the type of bitter sadness she’d never previously experienced: Grandma would never wistfully beam and call her a “lovely child…” To Grandma, she was a peer – the type who was suitable as a companion because she read nicely and listened quietly, suitable because of her qualities, a bit like the radio, telly or the computer… but Rael was simply a lovely child, unconditionally… She felt the wave of love that flooded out of Grandma, bypassing her, insensible to her as it bubbled into the depths of the kitchen somewhere, where Rael was most likely lying down on the couch, headphones on…

“But what if everything were taken away from Rael?” asked Grandma, suddenly sly. “Perhaps she’d find poverty useful? Perhaps I should leave everything here to you? D’you think perhaps you’d know how to make good use of money? Put it to good use?”

“No, why?” said Sofia, suddenly alarmed as she finally understood what she was talking about and why Rael’s father had been worrying. “No, you mustn’t do that.”

“Why mustn’t I?” Grandma demanded.

Sofia didn’t know. She simply felt it would be dreadful for Rael to have everything taken away – the rooms with the high fanlights and the silky curtains, the old carved dresser and easy chairs, the fine, delicate porcelain cups, the mother-of-pearl pastry plate, the sugar bowl and silver spoons that would clatter as Rael would bring them to the table, usually without breaking anything… and her grandma’s unconditional love radiating its brilliance over the whole scene…

“No,” she said, “you mustn’t, it wouldn’t be right! You’re Rael’s grandma!”

“Perhaps, yes,” Grandma agreed, calming down, “perhaps it is right for things to be bequeathed down the bloodline. Worldly goods can be passed on down the bloodline, but intellect and spirit cannot… You see, this person receives the intellect, the spirit, but this one does not, she puts her headphones on and does not drink of it…”

And she leaned forward towards Sofia and said, as if disclosing a big secret, “But the truth is that all this is futile, it doesn’t matter what you have here or who you are, no matter how powerful or decent you are. You sense that, but some people, including some great, clever, elderly people, do not. When we go, we leave with nothing, you can’t take anything with you, not your fortune or your self-respect, the only thing that counts is the good you have done here. So ask yourself only one thing: what good did you do? And you can see it all as clear as day. But if you start to brag about it then you will stumble. So if you brag, you will fall immediately, as if the rungs of a ladder had been pulled out from under your feet.”

And Grandma looked at Sofia so seriously, exactingly, as if she were a judge weighing Sofia up and taking the measure of her, that Sofia started to feel genuinely uneasy.

But then Grandma sagged once again into a stooped little old lady and said dolefully, “Not that I’ve got anything to show off. One son who worries only about wealth… nothing… futile… nothing good…”

Sofia fell silent, the paper on her lap, not knowing what to say, although she would have liked to say that there was something good – that it was good that there was a grandma like her to drink tea with in her house from delicate porcelain cups and eat melt-in-the-mouth pastries after reading and listening to fearful stories of fire-breathing dragons that had once trod the earth before people could even walk, in the days when they could only swim in dense, hot steam like tadpoles or aquatic plants and sucked nutritious sap from the earth through their tails, as if they were sucking up milk… Even Rael had started to enjoy the stories – when she saw that Sofia was listening to them – and she told Sofia privately, “Actually, they’re more exciting than the history they teach us at school. Not that we have to believe unconditionally that we’re descended from the apes, of course – believing can be what you like, can’t it? Perhaps there even is a God who made everything? And if there is, then it’s his fault that I’m the way I am, not hardworking, I mean – what can I do about that?”

But the most important thing to Sofia in all this was that everything here, the room where they sat in the gentle light of a floor lamp and drank their fill of tea and stories, everything was enveloped in a great transparent bubble that extended in space and time – and the bubble extended to encompass even the dangling tadpoles and the fire-breathing dragons, and inside the bubble the dragons seemed small and even faintly amusing – and the bubble was a being, a he or a she, not an it, because he or she had a character, and his or her character… his or her character was uncomplicated, good…

Ultimately Natalya thought that there was nothing she could do but go to church, to confession. It was more of a habit really, a custom from home, ingrained from her village: you went to church only on very important festivals such as Easter or the baptism of the Lord, or when you urgently needed holy water. There’d been no church in her own village – there had been one once, of course, in the time of the tsars, but it had been destroyed many decades previously. The nearest church was on the other side of the town, over the river. It took a whole day to get there and back, leaving early in the morning, in the dark, and returning in the evening, in the dark… And people didn’t really want to take children with them – especially schoolchildren in case there was trouble at school… Nonetheless Natalya had liked church – when she was a preschooler, her grandma used to take her. Church sparkled and shone and was full of a wonderful smell and they gave out white bread soaked in wine and a sip of warm, sweet wine. The sip they gave you was so tiny that you were left with a longing for something, for something very good… But here she went to church every day, she could go any working day, so when Sofia set off for school in the morning she would go to church. She went because the life she now had was becoming impossible: as she began praying “Lord, forgive them, forgive them their sins…” she would think only of Dmitri Dmitrievich, and a longing would embrace her and she would begin to calculate whether enough time had gone by yet for Dmitri Dmitrievich to call again. Because he didn’t do anything, just lay beside her and talked now and again, gasping a little – as if for some reason he had difficulty breathing. Actually, the evenings with him had been almost festive. And when Dmitri Dmitrievich had left and the next punter had arrived, Natalya would repeat to herself devotedly, feelingly, “Lord, forgive him, forgive him his sins…” But it was doubly a lie! Because first of all there was no need to pray for Dmitri Dmitrievich because he didn’t do anything that needed forgiving – he didn’t even touch Natalya, just lay gasping next to her — and secondly she should have been praying for her next client, but it was as if he didn’t even exist for her, or rather was no more than a ghastly distraction that only intruded on her prayer…

So she went and talked to the priest – in reality she gabbled, her eyes cast downward: “I want to pray for many people’s sins: Lord, forgive them, forgive them their sins… But I can’t do it properly because there’s only one of them I love and all the while I’m thinking only of that one person – and so there won’t be any point in it for the others, will there?”

But the priest replied to her in a soft, lilting voice: “If there’s nothing else you can do, my good woman, then perhaps pray for just that one person and that one person will sense it and pray for all the others…”

Natalya Filippovna suddenly raised her eyes because the reply surprised her – the fact that she could do that if there was no other option – but even more because that voice was so familiar – although not gasping, but crooning; crooning as Dmitri Dmitrievich’s voice had been that first time when Natalya Filippovna had burst into tears and ruined his evening… The priest wasn’t Dmitri Dmitrievich, he couldn’t be, because the priest had a wonderful dark, bushy beard whereas Dmitri Dmitrievich was clean-shaven… In a rush, Natalya kissed the cross that the priest held out to her and hurried to leave, her eyes cast downward again.

The whole idea was ridiculous, of course. How could she even think of a priest in that way – he was a monk! But they had the same voice, didn’t they? And they had the same eyes, didn’t they? People did have doubles. They also had twins… Perhaps he was Dmitri Dmitrievich’s twin, who knew everything and was asking Natalya to pray for his brother? Not that that was really any business of his!

She would have liked an explanation though. And a completely improper thought entered her head: if she had taken hold of the priest’s beard and given it a tug, everything would have become clear. But the thought was so awful, wild and improper that she quickly rubbed her eyes with her fingers, like after a bad dream… And what was more, Natalya suddenly thought, the priest’s gaze had been strange. His voice had been the same – quiet and soft like Dmitri Dmitrievich’s – but his gaze had been directed past Natalya or through her. Yes, his gaze had been thoroughly strange – would Dmitri Dmitrievich have been able to look at her like that?

Had the priest been of any help this time? What was it he’d said again – that if there’s nothing else you can do then perhaps pray for just that one person and that one person will sense it and pray for all the others? So there was some point to the misplaced praying, at least it was better than nothing at all… Only, if it hadn’t been Dmitri Dmitrievich there hiding behind that beard, if it really had been a priest there then here, right beside her, was an ordinary man. Would he sense that he was being prayed for and could he pray for the others?

She could have asked Dmitri Dmitrievich outright about it of course, but she had been unable to because it would have meant acknowledging how things really stood, and for some reason that kind of a confession was unthinkable to her – unacceptable, improper. Anyhow, she had already told Dmitri Dmitrievich twice that he shouldn’t be wasting his time and money like this, that he should get something in exchange and that she didn’t mind, but it wasn’t as if she could do more to force herself or her services upon him…

She could just ask, of course: Have you got a brother? And is your brother a priest? But it wasn’t right to pry into a client’s life like that…

Instead she listened as Dmitri Dmitrievich spoke. He was talking about the sun. Saying that the sun was probably not the one and only as we see it, but that there might be two suns… Or was it one sun with two faces? Natalya didn’t fully understand. In any case, one of them was an evil sun and the other a good sun; one was in fact black; even though it beams light to us, it is black by nature because it burns, scorches everything black. But the other one, the good sun, enlightens… How this could be true Natalya had no idea, but Dmitri Dmitrievich said that he had a big, thick book at home where it was all written down. Well, not written but illustrated, and the pictures weren’t real pictures, but hieroglyphs. That’s what he said – symbols… Natalya liked that word. So the symbols must be the pictures, lovely colourful pictures, only they had a deeper meaning. Dmitri Dmitrievich had found his tongue and talked about the book and the pictures in it as if they were from another world. He would have liked to show Natalya it, although he couldn’t cart it here to a strange bed – this bed was not the place for looking at picture books. Vova would probably have found it fishy, even if it was what the punter had paid for…

“You could come to mine one evening, when I have an evening off, we could have a cup of tea and look at the book…” said Natalya, finding herself blushing all over at the improper suggestion. “Of course,” she tried to rescue the situation, “if it’s not too much trouble for you to bring it round, and that – I live with my daughter in Lasnamäe, but I suppose it might be tricky for you to find it by yourself…”

“No, no,” said Dmitri Dmitrievich, “it’s not a problem at all, I’ve been to Lasnamäe many a time…”

Dmitri Dmitrievich gazed absent-mindedly through the window. There was nothing at all to see but the dingy greyish-pink, damp-blotched wall of the block opposite the old city’s narrow street. Perhaps the wall wasn’t so damp, just looked that way because of the snow that had fallen overnight, and that now drifted down intermittently in fuzzy specks whose dazzling whiteness cast greyness over even the sky and the occasional pedestrians scurrying by like strays, chins hunched between their shoulders… The building opposite was girded by a chest-high basement ledge that ran in a broken line along the wall. Above it ran rows of windows like soldiers, but tired, sickly soldiers in worn greatcoats, each slightly skewed, tilted, awry… Parallel to the ledge and above it flew a dark butterfly battling the wind, perhaps entirely black…

“A soul butterfly…” thought Dmitri Dmitrievich and flinched – but butterflies weren’t out at this time of the year, were they? There are no butterflies in winter. Perhaps it was a charred piece of paper – perhaps someone had for whatever reason burned some paper and a scrap had fluttered out of the window. But a piece of paper would have floated down; it would not have battled the wind, level with the ledge in the wall of the building… Perhaps the butterfly had slept somewhere between the windows or in a dark staircase and something had woken it… Was it in fact a real butterfly and not a hallucination? But Dmitri Dmitrievich was not inclined to hallucinations… So more likely it was a real butterfly that had broken loose from somewhere – perhaps some soot had found its way into the basement, the butterfly had woken up, flown into the yard in fright, and was now battling its own death…

Dmitri Dmitrievich felt sad – whether for the butterfly or himself he didn’t know. He was confused. He had always regarded women as beings that had been brought into the world only as a temptation. He neither despised nor hated them – perish the thought! On the contrary, he admired them, and that was his greatest weakness. He was otherwise something of a slouch – if he had the opportunity to eat, he ate more than he needed, and was unable to refuse good food, and the same was true of booze. Although he never got properly drunk, there was no question he enjoyed good wine and stronger drink, even vodka in cold weather, and the feeling of his head spinning gently, but no more than that… And it was of no great concern to him if he’d run out of tea at home or had no dry bread somewhere in a cupboard corner. He would simply boil some water, hot water was great, and it dulled hunger. It even lifted his mood. Neither food nor drink were real problems.

But when it came to women – they were things of beauty, fragile and exciting – even the ones who were wrinkled and haggard, even the ones who aroused pity on sight… or the slatternly alcoholics with bloated faces curing their hangovers with a morning beer outside Tallinn’s main railway station – the very sight of them was downright painful… But then there was something more fragile, more lovely about them than there was with men of that ilk… Of course he had tried to convince himself that there was nothing more special about women than humans in general, or indeed any living creatures, that their special magic was merely the product of their own sensuality. No amount of sermonising was any use. There was no way out; it was completely hopeless. Time and again when he had to talk to a woman, explain something to her, and he was unable to avert his gaze from her delicate, smooth skin and the curves of her cheek and neck, he would feel his excitement rising, want to kiss the curves… and the rest, of course. Women were so trusting; they had no idea of the danger they embodied… Once Dmitri Dmitrievich had feared he could endure it no longer. That would have been a disgrace – he would have been deemed mad. And then he definitely would have been unable to carry on living.

Vova was the way out. Through Vova he’d obtained satisfaction for some time now. Each time he bought a service through Vova, he convinced himself with the thought that it was just like eating and drinking, he was just satisfying his appetite, a foolish rubbing. If only he had the will, if only he weren’t so indolent, he’d be able to make himself the focus of his energies, reach new heights…

A bought woman was good – with a bought woman everything was clear. She wanted money and provided a service in exchange for it – it was something you could envisage as mechanical, at least once it was over. You could imagine it as a temporary weakness that you might eventually, gradually overcome, one that the service provider recorded simply in the form of the banknote she earned. To the service provider it was just work… What’s more, at a place like Vova’s everything was matter-of-fact and freely entered into. There was no fear that young girls were held by force or that anyone was being treated badly. It was a safe, businesslike transaction. With an older woman… Or, as Vova put it – it was good for an older bit of skirt, a bit of a workout did them good – and the good thing for him was simply that it appeased his own body…

But now, suddenly, everything was becoming more complicated. And ironic, too – as if it were not the devil but God Himself directing temptation! He had replaced the indifferent, cold Madam Ira in that bed with a woman who was tormented by her work and frankly had ultimately been driven to it, and whom he had almost raped… The shame of it… A woman who, as he languished fretting next to her there in that bed, radiated enticement and purity at once… He had never felt that way about a woman before, felt that he wanted just to embrace, stroke, caress her – especially caress – and then sleep with, oh yes, of course that’s what his body wanted, but more powerful was another feeling that he had never felt for a woman before, or anyone else – to embrace, to caress, to protect, just hold in his arms, holding himself back…

He didn’t know what was going on or what might happen when he set off to visit Natalya Filippovna with his book. Clearly they would drink tea. Then he would let Natalya Filippovna look at the pictures and explain them. The pictures were so pure and beautiful in themselves… But then… Yes, fortunately, Natalya Filippovna had a daughter – and she said that she lived with her and hopefully her daughter would be at home. So in fact nothing could happen… So what was his real reason for going there? If the only talking he’d be able to do would be to explain the pictures? He would actually have liked to make a clean breast of everything to this woman, to tell her everything he felt and what it was that perplexed him and that he wanted to sleep with her but never there in that defiled bed. And that most of all he would like to buy Natalya Filippovna her freedom, including her freedom from himself, tell her that never again would she have to feel forced to sleep with someone, provide sexual satisfaction, not to anyone. Tell Natalya Filippovna that he could pay even for her not to have to sleep with him, however difficult that might be for him. But his earnings wouldn’t stretch that far… the whole thing would be pointless. So it would be better if the daughter was at home. And it was much better to explain the pictures there than sweating and fretting as he languished in that sordid bed. Surely the fairest thing to do might be just to back out? Not to call, not to make an agreement, and just back out of the arrangement with Vova too? How simple it would be.

That night Dmitri Dmitrievich had dreamt of a huge Russian fireplace, broad and tall, with a sleeping area on top. The sleeping area was so high you could stand in it without any trouble. On it stood a long, simple, stout table. And in the dimness, on chairs around the table in the sleeping area, a council of some kind was in session. A ladder reached the sleeping area from the floor below. The ladder stood very upright and there were wide gaps between the rungs making it fairly tricky to climb. But he, Dmitri Dmitrievich, needed at all costs, for some reason, to climb it. No doubt it wouldn’t have been so very difficult if he had held the rungs with both hands. He would have had no problem then, but one hand was full – in one hand he had the book, eternally thick and heavy, and getting heavier and heavier… The council watched him climbing and one of them said… or rather they were discussing him up there among themselves and asking, “Why is he holding that book under his arm? It makes climbing so much more difficult…” But he wouldn’t let the book go, because without it he wouldn’t have been fit to go visiting. He simply had to deliver the book…

Sofia had to go to Zhanna’s for her birthday. Actually, it wasn’t Zhanna’s birthday but her rat’s. The rat’s name was Johnny – in honour of Johnny Depp. He was Zhanna’s third rat already – the other two had both died when they were barely two years old from cancer. Zhanna said that actually the rats sold in pet shops were all lab animals bred with delicate, weak immune systems that made them all prone to cancer. When Zhanna explained this, the boys teased her that her rats had AIDS, infuriating her. She said that if Johnny also died aged two, then there was no way she’d be getting another, but added quickly that what did she or anyone else know: she had said the same about the previous one too… Anyhow, Johnny appeared to be a completely different kind of rat. She’d never seen such an intelligent creature before, not even a dog, to say nothing of cats. And come what may, they had to mark its first birthday, because there just might not be a rat to celebrate with in two years’ time.

Another reason why it was a good day for a celebration was that Zhanna’s parents had, admittedly with some misgivings, gone to St Petersburg for the weekend taking her younger brother with them, leaving her at home alone with dire warnings. In any case, Zhanna couldn’t have gone with them because she had a dance performance on the Sunday morning. Not that she’d have wanted to – in St Petersburg they’d be staying at her grandma’s in the city outskirts, drinking tea all the time, talking non-stop, never going anywhere interesting and afterwards, on the way back, would be amazed at how the time had sped by so quickly that they’d not been able to get anywhere…

“Bring what you can,” Zhanna had told Sofia, “everyone’s bringing what they can…”

Sofia knew, obviously, what that meant. That if anyone could get hold of some alcohol, then to bring as much as they could. She even had money to buy some with now that the braces had already been fitted and her mum had that horrible job that seemed to earn her perhaps even more than her work at the electronics factory had. And Sofia was earning too, from reading to Rael’s grandma. What a good feeling that was. Now she could go shopping and ponder what to buy. A bottle of wine would be cool. But who would sell one to her? They’d definitely want to see her passport. They’d definitely not believe her if she claimed to be eighteen… And they’d definitely not sell her even a beer. Anyway, she didn’t have a taste for beer. In the end, after a great deal of indecision, she loaded her shopping basket with a packet of fudge, a packet of sunflower seeds for the rat and two mini-cans of gin and tonic. She shouldn’t spend any more than that. The cashier didn’t so much as give them a second glance; apparently she didn’t regard the cans as alcoholic drink.

The party was very civilised to begin with. Zhanna gave a warning that no one must drink lying down or throw up on the carpet and at first they were all sober, no one was smoking even though there were ashtrays in the kitchen and the living room, and Zhanna had said that her mum smoked like a chimney and that her dad had a ciggie once in a while, so smoking wasn’t a problem. They’d never twig when they got back… It looked like nearly everyone had managed to bring something with them. There were several sorts of wine and even a couple of bottles of vodka, as well as cream liqueurs. Sofia’s two metal cans seemed paltry next to all this bounty, but they were immediately mixed with vodka and offered as aperitifs, just until the sandwiches were ready.

There was music of all kinds, although Zhanna said that they mustn’t play heavy stuff at full volume. If they did, the neighbour, an old witch from hell, would come up to complain and might even call her parents, which would be the end of parties for good, because there’d be no skiving off trips to St Petersburg any more… The good news, she said, was that the old cow turned her TV up to full volume so she must be half-deaf… And the other neighbours underneath were always yelling at or scolding or beating their kids so someone was always screaming the place down…

As the evening proceeded the drink began to take hold. Everyone became jollier and tried to talk over the music and writhed to the beat. Fortunately no witch came up from below to put a stop to it – perhaps she’d taken a sleeping potion or was holding her own party, seeing as it was Saturday night. Sofia didn’t like parties. She enjoyed them at first, but from the moment that the booze went to people’s heads, their eyes would glaze over and their chatter would lose its meaning. They would talk about something that was on their mind, perhaps something important, but it was impossible to understand them. Perhaps she should have got herself drunk as well, but she had to be home by midnight at the latest – before Mum got back – and she didn’t want her mum to realise she was drunk, or that she was coming home so late – Mum would go ballistic. Mum was permanently afraid of what might happen – that someone might murder her or rape her, or worse – that she might get AIDS… Her mother’s fear was forever ringing in her ears – she always had the feeling that something might be about to happen and that the thing that might happen would be something sordid and shameful. Being run over or meeting with some other kind of accident wouldn’t be so bad…

Swaying in the hinterland between sobriety and drunkenness was highly unpleasant… And to think that right now, or in no more than half an hour, she had to pull herself together and find a reason to leave. Or just secretly slip out – that would be the most sensible thing because it seemed that no one in the party as it was now would pay the least attention… She was sorry – everyone else seemed to be happy. They weren’t thinking. They weren’t worrying. Why did she have to worry all the time? And why wasn’t she happy? Why did she enjoy completely different things? She didn’t even like dancing with others, but at home, on her own, she could move and writhe exactly as she wanted… It was ridiculous to think that anyone like her would ever begin to deliver speeches…

She went to the window. Beyond it was the great, black sky, and far below, eight storeys down, dots of light moving, dot-like lanterns cleanly puncturing the darkness, the burning eyes of the windows of buildings lining the road, the lights of cars travelling along the long boulevards – twinkled and dotted roads flowed up into the sky and back… Like rivers. It was a real, large, unfamiliar city, not Lasnamäe but a city that stretched to the edge of the sky… And then she noticed amidst it all an eye glowing in the deep, dark sky, an eye that was staring into her, as if seeing through her…

She quickly realised that it was her own eye. It was reflected in the outer windowpane – upon studying it an indistinct face complete with two eyes, a mouth and nose appeared. But if she focused her gaze elsewhere, there was only a single, large, clear eye somewhere in the middle, opposite the bridge of her nose. It was as if that eye looked down from the sky above, over everything, over the roads, the buildings, the crawling twinkling bugs on the roads… It was her eye, and yet it was not, as if from heaven above, omniscient, staring right into her…

It was then that Tolik and Venya arrived – that was how Zhanna introduced them. They were probably friends of hers, although they looked older than the others here.

Venya was tall, sturdy, slow. He didn’t talk at all, merely smirked to himself, but he was able to find a glass on the table and drain it in one… Tolik was small, thin and very nervous – his eyes burned, he spoke rapidly, excitably, as if forever having to prove something, persuade someone, protect himself against someone. He reminded Sofia of the members of the communist youth from one of the old Soviet films, a Young Communist League figure working for free on one of the Great Construction Projects of Communism, the type who campaigned zealously and actually believed everything they said, the type who sprayed machine-gun fire or galloped on fiery steeds, budenovkas on their heads. They were ready to die for their ideas…

Tolik suddenly began talking about something that was apparently close to his soul – he tried to explain that young people were being messed around – people said that drugs would kill you, make you drop dead straight away, as soon as you tried them you’d be ill forever. He’d tried everything, more or less everything, and there was nothing that he couldn’t do without if he needed to. LSD and weed were completely harmless – the whole world smoked weed. He grabbed his silent friend’s glass, as if in passing, as if it were a perfectly natural thing to do, and drained it completely. Venya didn’t so much as flinch, and merely turned to the next glassful.

“There’s no way I’m going to start injecting myself,” said Zhanna, “I reckon it’s completely stupid to get AIDS just for a high.”

“You don’t have to inject at all,” objected Tolik hotly. “That’s just for people who like injecting. People who want to inject, inject; people who want to snort, snort… There’s all sorts of stuff you can snort, if all you want to do is get high.”

“What do you get out of it?” said Andryusha sceptically. “You snort, it’s okay the once, and afterwards you’re left with the shakes your whole life…”

“Am I shaking?” yelled Tolik.

“So what do you get out of it?”

“I get everything. It’s a completely different world… You just have to be in that world once, and everything turns upside down… It’s like you’re free. In it you’re completely free.”

For some reason the conversation made Sofia sad – both sad and uncomfortable – somehow very uncomfortable… The boys seemed to be the type to talk them all round: Tolik was nervous and jumpy, Venya was slow in comparison, yet there was nothing placid in his sluggishness, instead it was heavy somehow, and they worked together like some kind of mesmerising machine, each knowing how to complement the other… And then that thing that Tolik said – it’s like you’re free, completely free… No one had ever talked like that about getting stoned. All they’d done in school was terrify them in health education classes, but no one had given them chapter and verse like this, yet perhaps this was the most important thing about it all?

To Sofia’s right, on a little table by the window, Johnny began rattling about in the coffee box and hurried out. He always did everything in a hurry – he even yawned hurriedly. He abruptly jumped upright on to the cage bars and looked at Sofia questioningly, his nose quivering. He had a sharply pointed nose, sensitive and restive like Johnny Depp’s – like the one he had in The Legend of Sleepy Hollow; the little paws with which he clung to the cage bars were just like human hands with their little pink fingers. Not that they were really human hands; they were hands with long, sharp claws, more like Edward Scissorhands’s… And then there were his eyes, bulging in surprise… those eyes and that face that couldn’t laugh…

For some reason Sofia began to feel very sad for the rat, well, not sad so much as afraid for it. The creature was here and completely at their mercy, as it happened, they were supposed to be responsible for it but they weren’t by any stretch the kind of people it thought them to be: it trusted them, but they could be very dangerous. What would happen if someone more drunk than Sofia were suddenly to get it into their head that rats should be destroyed? She should really let it out of the cage; it had to escape. But it wouldn’t have anywhere to go, would it? It was a situation with no way out, and Sofia felt tearful because of it.

It was all stupid, this way of thinking. The reason, it appeared, was that Sofia was pretty much wasted: the rat was not in any danger from anything, no one was paying it the least attention. High time to fetch her coat from the pile of clothes in the kitchen corner and set off home. The time it took from here, at least half an hour in the cold, would be enough to sober her up. And perhaps blow away the stink of smoke too…

But Tolik and Venya and Zhanna herself had settled down at the kitchen table together with others from their class.

Tolik was knocking something up, turning a roll-up between his spidery, nervous fingers…

“Shut the door,” whispered Zhanna to Sofia, as if something very secret was going on here.

“Shut the door, yeah,” growled Venya in a low voice – that was the first time he’d spoken at all. “There won’t be enough good stuff for everyone…”

There was a telltale bittersweet scent in the kitchen.

“Doesn’t matter, seeing as she’s come in, let her have a drag too!” said Tolik brusquely – as if giving an order.

“No, I don’t want one,” said Sofia quickly, “I just came to get my coat…” and she hurried over to the pile of clothes in the kitchen corner.

“Where are you off to?” shouted Zhanna, grabbing her by the arm and pulling her towards the table. “It’s still really early! Come on, try it, it’s really groovy – it makes everything so clear. Everything is so funny. When will you get another chance?”

“I don’t want to,” objected Sofia, but she didn’t know why not – was it that she really didn’t want to or was it just because she was afraid, because she actually liked the scent and would like to try it, but was afraid because she was always so blindly cautious…

Suddenly Venya took the matter into his own hands: he forced her to sit down, her head under his arm, his fingers holding her nose, and with his other hand forced the roll-up between her lips… Sofia had never thought that she could be so enraged. At school no one had ever touched her, instead she herself had once hit Vitya on the head, well his ear and his smooth cheek, because he’d pinched Anna under her arm in what to Sofia’s mind was a completely indecent manner, and Sofia had been genuinely furious with him and had slapped him on the cheek, but later it was she who felt embarrassed about it all because Vitya had been so horrified, and he was such a fatty and sometimes he screamed like a girl… All that was now several years in the past… Vitya didn’t scream any more… But now Sofia was unexpectedly so stupefied by outrage, or rather stupefied by the rage rising inside her, that she became almost paralysed, stiff, held her breath – she felt she couldn’t breathe any more, that breathing was completely impossible… and then she collapsed as if into the soft depths of somewhere…

Then suddenly everything was so fantastically clear, and on two levels: she knew that she was lying on the floor and the others were around her and asking if she was dead or what, and Tolik was having a drag on the joint and holding it, smoking, under her nose and berating Venya – you’re an animal, you mustn’t do that to women, what if you’ve broken her neck… It was all so vivid, but so unreal, just like a vivid sharply drawn picture. But behind the picture was something completely different, a different, real yet highly shaded world and from there, as if from behind a curtain, ran a peculiar, spidery-legged, pointy-nosed green little man, tiny, barely knee-high; he ran giggling over the kitchen floor and disappeared into the wall…

Sofia began to cough and moved towards a chair.

“Look, she’s alive! She’s still alive!” everyone shouted happily.

“What did you think she was?” grumbled Tolik knowledgeably. “If anything like that happens, weed’s always a help – and it’s not a narcotic, it’s legal in Holland… It’s a medicinal herb…”

“I have to go home now,” said Sofia.

“Are you sure you’re all right to get yourself home?” asked Zhanna in concern, although actually, she looked like she would be pleased if Sofia actually left anyhow…

Sofia had no doubt whatever that she could get home on her own two feet without any mishap. But if she didn’t make it, it wouldn’t matter anyhow. Everything was so clear, still so clear. The lights in the apartment windows had mostly gone out, the buildings now stood like large boulders; the odd car swished past – with a susurration of cold air. She knew they were cars, yet they were like some kind of foreign object. She knew what they were called only by mere chance. They weren’t real.

The street lights cast sharply defined spheres of light; a few stars had punctured the dark sky and the occasional feathery speck of snow floated softly down. It was even more like a vividly drawn picture; she walked on into the picture and became part of it. How could anything happen to a plaything like this here in this play world, and even if something did happen? Even if it did, it wouldn’t be real… She didn’t know whether the little green man had been inside the picture or part of the next picture. And what was beyond it? Perhaps another picture? She began to feel afraid: if there was no reality, then was it all just one picture after another, each inside another bigger picture? So what was this? That was how it felt: it felt as if she wasn’t walking along the road, but in the air and there was nothing to grasp hold of if you fell…

But something or someone was real. Johnny Depp! The small, brown and white piebald cage-bound Johnny with his little pink fingers and sharp claws. So what if he died in a year’s time? Right now he was real simply because he didn’t know anything about not being real. Because his ignorance was reflected in his eyes. Cage-bound Johnny now felt much more real than the real Johnny Depp, he felt like the only real thing… And Sofia realised that if she managed to hold firmly on to that small, real, reality, then everything would be all right…

Rael’s dad was a big help anyhow: it transpired that he had connections at a factory; quite how, Rael was not exactly sure, she wasn’t interested, perhaps he was a shareholder or something… The factory was very small, nothing like the one where Natalya Filippovna had worked before, but they made more or less the same kind of things, although not for mobile phones, more for cars – Rael thought they were for cars, or other bigger machines. These days every moving thing, every actual machine, even washing machines, contained circuit boards for electrons to flow through, as if directed by a person unseen… And now Natalya Filippovna could resume soldering specks for the electrons on to boards…

Notice how the life of Natalya Filippovna, a grown woman on the large side, some might even say portly, had been guided by her young daughter, who was able to earn herself some money honourably and even found a job for her mum, a decent job. Natalya Filippovna hugged her daughter, in tears, because she was so sorry that she had berated her so severely only the previous weekend when she had sailed in after midnight from the she-knew-not-where party (although Sofia had said it was at Zhanna’s), her clothes stinking of smoke and the smell of drink on her still. All right if she was with one of the girls from school, but the thing that capped it all, capped having a drink and a smoke and doing who knows what else – although she’d never have thought Sofia capable of doing that – was getting drunk. Had she understood nothing? If truth be told she had scolded Sofia only out of fear – she’d always had the feeling that Sofia might disappear somewhere, that suddenly she would cease to be and then she would no longer have anything here in the world, nothing, everything would be empty, even Dmitri Dmitrievich would be nothing… That meant that the only thing she had been able to do while waiting for Sofia to come home was to pray soberly, without really realising it, just repeating the familiar words “Lord, have mercy, Lord, have mercy, Lord, have mercy…” without taking in their meaning, in sheer panic and with a heavy painful stone in place of her heart, all the while expecting that when Sofia came through the door she’d feel great happiness and joy and peace, but when Sofia had actually finally arrived, she’d suddenly felt empty inside and then distressed, as if her controlled distress had to find an instant outlet, and as soon as she could breathe between whimperings she began to read Sofia the Riot Act – unable really to measure the words she was saying, both hugging and tearing into her daughter, so that ultimately she too burst into tears, sobbing with her head in her hands…

Quite frankly, she hadn’t wanted to allow Sofia to go anywhere in the evenings, not even to Rael’s grandma’s because she’d be coming home in the dark now that it was winter. Not that it was late – small primary schoolchildren, the ones who did the evening lessons, were making their way home from school by themselves at the same time… Although Sofia still had studying to do for the next day… things were definitely much easier now that her daughter had some money of her own. She was afraid, of course, that Sofia would glimpse the type of life they would never be able to afford themselves. Could that maybe be a good thing? Who could say? Perhaps it was? Who could say what Sofia might one day become or what good it might do her in the future to catch a glimpse of it? Perhaps it was a good thing for her to practise reading Estonian and especially English clearly, after all she apparently had to read to the old lady in all those languages…

The last time they’d sat in the kitchen with Lyuda, Lyuda had explained in aggrieved tones how her language exam had gone. She wanted to pass it so she could apply for citizenship – she didn’t need to do it for work, she just thought that she should have everything straight, and as she had been born here and already had grandchildren who had been born here, and her children had citizenship, why shouldn’t she be a citizen too? The fact that her children were citizens and she wasn’t made it feel as if she didn’t belong with her children. Anyhow, she just about had the exam in the bag, she had everything straight, when at the last minute they asked her what the names of Kalevipoeg’s dogs were – you know, Kalevipoeg, the one who the Estonians’ national epic is about.

“You tell me,” she complained to Natalya. “Am I really supposed to know what his dogs were called? Pet dogs that have been dead for yonks and people are still supposed to know their names.”

Sofia, who was drinking tea with them because she always liked drinking tea with Lyuda, spluttered.

“What are you spluttering for? What is it you’re giggling at, you cheeky little brat?” scolded Lyuda – she always chastised people that way, but no one was actually afraid of her because she never got really angry. “You’re laughing at your elders and betters. You tell me their names.”

“Irmi, Armi and Killer Blackie,” shouted Sofia, laughing.

“Is that so?” drawled Lyuda, sceptically. “And just how do you know that?”

“We did it at school!”

“Is that so… They teach all sorts at school these days. They actually teach something practical. Kisser Blackie.”

Sofia was now roaring with laughter.

“What are you laughing at your elders for?” Lyuda was still trying to tell her off.

“This is a kiss,” laughed Sofia, and kissed Lyuda on her smooth, soft cheek, “but a killer kills. The dog was the Black Killer, Killer Blackie! With a coat that bristled and eyes that glowed – like the hound of the Baskervilles!”

“Who on earth are the Baskervilles?” murmured Lyuda sceptically and sighed, “You see, if I’d have known that, I’d be a citizen now… Killer Blackie! Kids are getting cleverer all the time…”

Natalya thought so too, and the fact that she didn’t say so out loud didn’t stop her thinking to herself, “You never know, Sofia could be a teacher.” Never mind that teachers’ pay was very low, it was a dignified job… It flashed into her head that perhaps she might even become a professor, but the thought seemed indecently arrogant…

Suddenly Sofia burst into tears – so suddenly, that even Lyuda was alarmed.

“What is it, what’s up, I’ve not said the wrong thing, have I?” she asked.

“No, no,” said Sofia almost calmly, only hiccupping, “it’s just the rat… the rat…” and it was as she sobbed the word “rat” that she started to cry again.

It turned out that the rat, the one belonging to her classmate Zhanna, whose birthday she’d gone to celebrate, the one that she’d got into trouble with Mum about, the rat had disappeared. Zhanna had woken in the morning to find the cage door open and the rat nowhere to be found. She was dreadfully cold and the window open, as well as the cage door… Had someone thrown him out of the window? But there was no rat in the street – it was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps the street cleaner had already been and brushed him away. And nobody had thrown him out because Zhanna had interrogated everyone who was still there, and no one knew anything. Perhaps the rat had just hopped it?

“Well you know,” said Lyuda, “rats are devious creatures. They’re intelligent, they don’t get into any trouble.”

But Sofia had the feeling that something had befallen the rat – and it wasn’t just that she felt really sorry for it. No, there was something else – as if there were no longer a something or a someone to rely on… And there was a heaviness in her heart, deep within her breast…

Dmitri Dmitrievich hurried along the long, curved street on the fringes of Lasnamäe. It’s not that he was lost, he’d just got off the bus one stop sooner than he’d needed to. And there was no point now waiting for the next one. Actually, he knew full well where he had to go – he knew Lasnamäe almost like the back of his hand. He didn’t need to follow the curve from here, just go over the wasteland along the path as far as the dark apartment buildings (in daylight they were actually red – the colour of their red bricks). They rose up against the background of the sparkling snow like a dark battlement – which was why the apartment block had been dubbed Dvigatel’s fortress since the Soviet time… After cutting through there he should be on the right street… It was still fairly early, before eight o’clock, but now in midwinter, that meant deep darkness – unless the moon was up. On the city streets you didn’t notice the moon, but here it illuminated the snow-trampled path as efficiently as street lights… In the field the wind swished and whirled in gusts; it bit acerbically into your cheeks and then subsided again, as if mulling something over for a moment.

It was no better between the buildings. The blocks were tall; the wind whistled nervously as it gathered momentum, assaulted you, broke cover from the wall of the building and faded again as if building up its momentum anew – or as if having doubts… Just like Dmitri Dmitrievich himself – he still wasn’t fully sure whether he’d done the right thing by calling Natalya Filippovna, and now he was actually on the way… But there was no other way for him to see Natalya Filippovna again because she’d found a new job, a proper job, and had told Vova categorically that she would not be helping them out any more even though Vova’s wife would have liked a couple more weeks to convalesce, perhaps even longer… But Dmitri Dmitrievich could not so much as countenance Vova’s wife any more, or any woman other than Natalya Filippovna for that matter; he’d even dreamt he’d slept with Natalya a couple of times and woken up relieved, happy, only to sink back immediately into deep despair… Could this turn out any better though? Would it be better if he explained just the pictures in the book?

Hurrying towards him almost at a run on the long empty street were two men, more accurately two young men, two boys huddling from the cold: one short and thin, the other tall and heavyset; when they were almost in front of him they suddenly dodged sideways – one as if he wanted to pass him on the right, the other on the left. In his left hand he held the briefcase containing the book. Hold on to the briefcase – he managed to think and gripped the handle firmly in his fist. The thin one tried to tear the briefcase from him; the tall one shoved him brusquely so that he lost his balance and fell, head first to the ground because he was clenching the handle of the briefcase in one hand and holding the case itself under his other arm…

“You bastard! You shit!” said the boys and kicked him in the head, the back… He thought he’d be able to overcome them if he only let go of the briefcase, but he mustn’t because it contained the book and without the book he’d have no reason to go to Natalya Filippovna’s… Thinking that thought he began to sink as if into soft cotton. He felt the boys turning him over, rummaging through his breast pockets. “Just like doctors do…” he thought, perceiving even through thick clothes how wonderful, clever, human hands were, all the things they could do… He could feel how he was distending, stretching out in every direction, swelling into a great blain that held everything within it, the whole of this world… It was the very feeling he had always yearned for – that he could embrace the earth, encompass its lovely blue globe, as lovely as Natalya Filippovna?

Sofia hurried home – over the snowy wasteland. She could have stayed on the bus until the next stop – although the bus would have taken her on round the curve, it would still have brought her back more quickly than she could have managed on foot – but she wanted to walk, and she wanted specifically to cross the broad snowy field that both enticed and horrified her. Especially now, in the dark, when only the moon lit the snow-trampled path. Cold, pallid light as if everything was not real, just a dream… And the moon itself was no smooth shining disc, it bulged as if a shadow had been cast on it, as if Zhanna’s rat were holding it in the sky with its little paws… As soon as she remembered the rat though she felt a grip tightening round her throat, as if she were guilty of something. Why did she always feel guilty? As she did when Rael’s grandma talked about the earth people worry themselves to death about… Or when the papers reported that the Estonians would die out because of falling numbers… She had once asked Rael’s grandma why people should worry about a small nation like the Estonians, if the whole world was going to perdition and turning into deserts… And she’d had the feeling that Grandma had looked at her reprovingly.

She might have been wrong though, because Grandma had replied, “Well, my dear, I’m an old lady but see, my children are still looking after me, they haven’t bundled me off, even Rael comes to visit – but what’s the point of it? Is there even a point?” This answer made the topic so intricate that it seemed to have flummoxed even Grandma.

So perhaps the Estonians should look after themselves in the same way that Rael’s dad was looking after his mum? As if they were looking after a little old lady who would live her allotted span?

“I’m the president,

When everyone’s been fed

When everyone’s been fed

When everyone’s been fed…”

The nursery rhyme began to go round and round in her head; it had dug its way in there for some reason and just kept going round and round – as if the person who had come up with it was Sofia herself, although not her true self, but a different, spiteful version of herself that seemed to tease and mock her with the rhyme, in time with her steps…

“The Battle of Paju,” she repeated back, over and over again, “the Battle of Paju…” slowly and convincingly, because this moonlit field, dotted with the odd shrub, was just like a battlefield after the battle: empty, silent, desolate – perhaps there was the odd frozen corpse buried somewhere under the snow…

Over the field, along the snow-trampled path, two dark shapes were running towards her: men, one large and one small; they stood by the leafless willow shrubs and began to do something to a box or briefcase that the larger one was holding. Sofia thought the smart thing to do would be to turn back or away – who knows what they might decide to get up to and there didn’t appear to be another living soul on the field – in this cold everyone preferred to go by bus, not trek across the field… But somehow it felt inappropriate to turn round and leg it – not that she would have been ashamed to reveal her fear, but it felt ugly to suspect someone when there perhaps were no grounds to do so… As she walked, she looked straight ahead and not towards them at all, and she moved very quickly as if she hadn’t even noticed them…

It was impossible to pass them like that though – the path took a dog-leg around the shrubs and they were busy right there behind the shrubs, muttering angrily, “There’s nothing, nothing at all…” One of them kicked the briefcase away and it landed just in front of Sofia. Sofia stopped and raised her gaze – it was Venya and Tolik.

“What are you two doing here?” she asked, cheering up for a moment because she knew them, even though they were Tolik and Venya.

“Ha!” said Venya, and as if in relief, “rubbish… you see…” and fell perplexedly quiet.

But Tolik, small and thin, approached her slowly as if prowling, slightly stooped, panting, with wide-open eyes that glowed strangely but coldly.

“Listen, we need money, right now! You’ve got money!”

Sofia took a small purse out of her belt bag. Her hand was shaking. “How does he know I’ve got money?” was the thought that flashed across her mind – her only banknote was a large five-hundred-kroon one that Rael had given her that evening, a whole month’s money! But that wasn’t important right now because she sensed that this money was a matter of life and death – not for her, but for the boys. She sensed that something very dreadful might have happened to them, and might still, if she did not hand over the money; she would have given more if she’d had it…

“Good girl,” said Tolik slightly more calmly, slightly less uptight, “look have this, take this book for it!”

And he offered Sofia a thick book.

Now suddenly Sofia was gripped by a frantic fear and broke into a run, crying with the book under her arm; her fear was completely irrational because the boys were hurrying away in the exact opposite direction.

She ran and ran without stopping as far as the building where she lived and up the stairs. It never entered her head that she could wait for the lift; she searched for her keys in her pocket mid-run, rattled them in the door to open it and once in the hall sank on to the chair in the corner.

Mum came into the hall wearing a surprised expression. Mum looked ready for a party, she was wearing her silk blouse – the one with the pale red and gold spots that she never wore at home. Mum was beautiful – bedecked in the palest of pale blue summer skies and reddening flowers and golden sunshine… Her loveliness and festiveness made Sofia burst into tears, sobbing and shaking.

“What’s the matter?” asked Mum, really frightened.

“I don’t know. Something dreadful’s happened!”

“Who with?”

“Those boys.”

“What boys?”

“Them. Venya and Tolik. I gave them money.”

“They took money from you?”

“No, I gave them it, they needed it… They really needed it right away.”

“What happened after that?”

“I don’t know, something dreadful…”

Mum helped her up and led her to a chair at the kitchen table; she poured some hot water from a flask into a cup and stirred several spoonfuls of sugar into it. The good sweet warmth flowed across her whole body. It was incompatible with the fear thrashing within her, supplanting it a little too forcefully, through the back of her head, and out… Yet it didn’t work as well as usual because an anguish bubbled up into her throat from somewhere deep inside her chest and made her sob. Mum took some of her own more powerful herbs from the cupboard as well – valerian – and soaked a sugar lump thoroughly in it. This and the hot water helped. Or the warmth in the room and time itself helped. Sofia yawned. She remembered the way the rat had yawned: hurriedly but otherwise exactly as a human would. The rat didn’t make her cry any more, instead she thought, a little sadly, that people were not much bigger than rats… She felt that she knew what it would be like to be a rat…

Mum got Sofia’s bed ready for her.

“You get into bed now, and off to sleep,” said Mum, “but no more crying. Everything’s OK now. And there’ll be more money – now that I’m back at work…”

Mum had always said that children must not be left to cry themselves to sleep because if they woke up they might start with a stutter and never lose it again… Sofia didn’t argue with her, didn’t remonstrate that she was no longer a child – suddenly she felt so tired that she wanted to climb straight into bed and not move at all… She sank on to the bed, sitting on it.

“Make sure you get yourself undressed and put your nightie on,” said Mum.

“I will…”

“Good,” said Mum, “I’ll close the door so you can nod off more easily…”

Sofia stood up, undressed, put her nightie on, her clothes on the back of the chair, lifted the quilt to climb in and only now noticed the book on the bed, the book that Tolik had given her… Had Tolik given it to her in exchange for the five-hundred-kroon note or had she bought it from Tolik for the five hundred kroons or had she just given him the five-hundred note and Tolik given her the book? She would have liked to get it straight, but she was too tired to think it through thoroughly. In any case she laid the book on the bed and couldn’t fathom how neither she nor Mum had managed not to notice it. She was aware that while she’d been running home the book had been like a millstone round her neck and she remembered having it as she unlocked the door, but after that she couldn’t recall anything about it – how she’d managed to take her coat off, go into the kitchen with the book and from there to her bedroom, and how Mum hadn’t noticed the great thick tome at all.

The book was really thick and heavy; the blue-grey bindings with fine, grooved linings were well worn and foxed but inside there were many colourful pictures, in pastel colours – delicate hues of pink, green, aqua and pale yellow… The writing was in old-fashioned, crooked letters. Sofia thought she’d be able to read them although with great difficulty… In one picture there was an eye – a beautiful, serene eye, and around it were rays, like the sun’s rays – and around the eye there were seven stars, four stars at the top, over the eye, and three below. Each star had seven points. Letter by letter Sofia laboriously spelled out the inscription underneath the picture: “The eye of eternity manifests itself in Sophia’s mirror… The eye with which He sees me is the same eye with which I see Him; my eye is His eye. It is one eye, one seeing, one adoration…”

The text wasn’t difficult to read, but it was difficult to understand: why was her name here? And why were “He” and “His” written with initial capitals but “me” and “my” were not? She realised of course that the “Sophia” written in the book, leaving aside the “ph”, wasn’t her, wasn’t the name her mum had given her for whatever reason, the one written with an “f”. Yet it didn’t seem to her to be mere chance. Everything seemed somehow linked, planned in advance, the fact that she should happen to be there in the field today and that those boys had needed money and that they’d had to give her this book and that she’d opened the thick book at this very page… She remembered the eye that had looked inside her up there in Zhanna’s flat, the eye that she had looked into, and it had been her eye… She was not afraid. Not now that she’d read those three pairs of words – one eye, one seeing, one adoration…

It was awe that she felt. Not fear but awe. This book was like a strange elderly gentleman with a long grey beard who was in no way cruel or angry, but who had to be treated with great respect… In any case Sofia placed it under her pillow. Perhaps it wasn’t so bad that she’d lost her money but received a book like this? Now she was fully calm… and just drifting into sleep… But wasn’t it selfish? Now she was in a warm bed and no longer remotely worried about the boys? No, it wasn’t right!

She hurried to find Mum. Mum was sat on the sofa in the living room, watching a film on the TV. She was still wearing the silk blouse and only now did Sofia notice that she even had her velvety indoor heels on that she wore only if there was a party – for New Year or a birthday – and guests had been invited. But she didn’t give the impression of someone who was flourishing and festive; instead she looked somehow despondent, as if the flowers on her blouse were wilting.

“Oh, have I got it on too loud? I’ll turn it down a bit,” said Mum, seeing Sofia.

“No, no, it’s not that. I was just thinking… I wanted to ask – is it OK to light a candle for living people? Like when someone dies, someone you know, and you go to church and light a candle for them – you lit one for Kiira’s dad, but can you light one for people who are still alive?”

“Of course,” said Mum, “especially if you know who their patron saint is… But why do you want to light a candle?”

“I’m not sure… I was just thinking – perhaps I could light a candle for those boys? Perhaps it might help them?”

Sofia hugged Mum, “I love you so much!”

“Get away with you!” scolded Mum. “Off to bed now. I’ll turn the telly down. And I’ll be turning in myself soon too…”

No sooner had Sofia climbed into bed and closed her eyes than sleep deserted her again. And she started worrying: what did it mean that Mum was wearing a silk blouse and those shoes at home on a workday? She hadn’t said she was expecting anyone, had she, when they were sitting in the kitchen? Who could it be? She wouldn’t have dressed up like that for Kiira or Lyuda, would she? Perhaps whoever it was had never arrived? Mum was sitting on the sofa by herself as if she was watching a film… Somehow inappropriately alone… I wonder why she called me Sofia? She would have liked to run back to ask, but didn’t want to bother her again… For some reason Mum wanted some privacy…

Suddenly Sofia wanted so strongly, with all her soul, for Mum to have someone. For Mum not to live with and for her alone – to use Mum’s own words – to help her when she had a lovely little girl of her own. Sure enough it pleased her when Mum talked like that and she was always wanting to sit on Mum’s lap and hug her and for Mum to caress her… or just sit next to her on the sofa and watch a horror film on the telly because there always seemed to be one on even though there actually wasn’t… If Mum had someone, would that be an end to all that? Would she have to really grow up? But she so wanted Mum to be happy, to have someone who loved her…

She began to wonder who it could be. There was no point in hoping that her father had appeared out of the blue from somewhere – or someone else who was tall, chiselled, gorgeous and loving like him. What would the main thing be? The main thing would be that this someone loved Mum, loved her above all else, but just who could he be – an Estonian or a Russian or a Jew… or even a Finn! What he looked like was not important… Mum would have to like him a bit, of course… Maybe that wouldn’t be so easy. If Sofia’s dad had really been as good-looking as Mum always said… Somehow she’d have to explain to Mum that looks weren’t important. Even if he was skinny or fat… or perhaps balding – Phil Collins was bald and look how many fans he had… Anyhow, wasn’t time running out for him? But not because he was bald. The main thing was that he wouldn’t hurt Mum, that he’d look after her… It’d be good too, of course, if he had money and didn’t throw it away on drink. If he and Mum could travel, go to Capri for example… Sofia would be happy to stay at home, look after the house, and earn money for herself – she’d read to Rael’s grandma and in summer might sell newspapers… Apparently there was a grotto on the island of Capri, a grotto in a cliff that you could sail into, and the water inside was supposed to be as clear and as blue as a precious stone, and warm, and there were towering cliffs – or so Rael said. Might it be like that time in Crimea? Then everything around would be so lovely that it wouldn’t matter that the man wasn’t exactly like Sofia’s father had been… What kind of man could be so rich that he’d take Mum to the island of Capri? Surely it would have to be a Finn? But weren’t the Finns big drinkers? What would a Finn who couldn’t hold his drink be like?

By and large Natalya Filippovna understood nothing of the whole business – some boys were in trouble. Boys that Sofia didn’t really even know, she’d only met them once at Zhanna’s at that awful party that Sofia had come home from in the dead of night. She’d given them her whole month’s pay – the money that she’d earned at Rael’s grandma’s, but the boys hadn’t taken it from her by force, she’d given it to them because they’d been in such trouble – that was what she’d said over and over again – that they were in a terrible state. Yet they’d been alive and healthy and, most important, Sofia herself was alive and healthy. The money, the five hundred kroons, was a large sum, no two ways about it, but not a matter of life and death now that Natalya was back in work… She couldn’t understand these kids, and what they thought was dreadful and what they didn’t… Perhaps it actually was a good idea – to go and light a candle for them – if it only satisfied Sofia. And going to church was good in itself, a healthy thing to do… Only, what if at the church she, Natalya, were to come face to face with the priest? Now that Dmitri Dmitrievich hadn’t arrived or phoned even though he’d promised he would, he’d agreed, down to the exact time… Could something have happened to him? Or had he hesitated, decided at the last minute that he wouldn’t call on a woman like her after all… Hardly likely though, was it, that the priest had anything to do with Dmitri Dmitrievich – there were plenty of people like that with that kind of voice… All said and done, she didn’t want to meet the priest and look him in the eye. The place she wanted to be was in that sordid bed – yes, she’d like to be there, but not with anyone other than Dmitri Dmitrievich, lying side by side, and Dmitri Dmitrievich could talk to her… about the good sun and the evil sun… But all this was completely impossible because Natalya had turned Vova down in no uncertain terms despite the fact that Vova’s wife would have been happy to let Natalya provide services to her clients for a fair while longer…

Natalya ached with longing. All the time. While at work building pathways for electrons or on the bus on the way home, or watching the telly without registering what was actually on – whatever she was doing she thought about Dmitri Dmitrievich. She even forgot to keep checking Sofia’s grades – she forgot to ask how school was going… Finally she even began to feel that Dmitri Dmitrievich was by her side. She was definitely not going mad. She could not see Dmitri Dmitrievich or hear his voice. But when she thought about him or wondered what he might have said in response to something or other, she had the feeling that Dmitri Dmitrievich was somewhere behind her, at her right shoulder, and would reply in his crooning, lilting voice… And she even confused what he had actually said earlier about something or other with what she, Natalya, now believed Dmitri Dmitrievich might say… If anything, things were actually easier this way – there was none of the depressing emptiness, just a feeling that he was always here somewhere…

He couldn’t really have died, could he? Once when visitors were round for tea, when Natalya was still small, her grandmother had said that when a small child dies it leaves a companion for its mother, like a guardian angel, and they can see the child – the ones with the gift, that is – hovering by the mother’s shoulder… It was just whether it was at the right shoulder or the left – that was what Natalya could not recall. But she was not Dmitri Dmitrievich’s mother. And he was definitely not a small child. If he had died, he would definitely have gone straight to heaven.

Natalya wondered for a moment – if Dmitri Dmitrievich really had died, would she want him hovering by her shoulder or would she want him to go straight to heaven? No, she didn’t want Dmitri Dmitrievich stuck at her side. Yet it was so good to sense his presence, sometimes the feeling was very strong, as if someone had delicately stroked her cheek like a warm, gentle breeze even though she was sitting indoors and there was no breeze, or was on the bus with all the windows shut.

She and Sofia had gone to church on the Sunday morning and lit a candle although the priest hadn’t been there. Was Dmitri Dmitrievich still going to Vova’s? Not that it would be right to ask. She just wanted to know, and to know that nothing had happened to him. “Oh, just let him be alive!” grieved Natalya Filippovna. “Never mind what he’s doing. Whether he calls or not, whether he’s still visiting Vova’s flat, Vova’s wife, the main thing is that he’s alive, healthy and alive.” Because if he wasn’t, she could no longer live, she’d be alive of course, but she’d live like a machine – she’d go to work like a machine, she’d make meals at home like a machine – she’d live only for her daughter, Sofia, like a machine – she’d no longer even be able to love her child or believe in God – she just wouldn’t… And when she worried and grieved in this way, she felt a gentle laughter at her right shoulder, at the nape of her neck, like grown-ups chuckling over childhood’s trifles. So much so that it embarrassed her. She remembered that once Dmitri Dmitrievich had said that the thing that everyone thought was love was not in fact true love – the love that people feel for their dogs or cats or husbands or wives or even the love that they feel for their children. All that was just learning to love. The truth was that people lived solely in order to learn to love, to love truly – but true love was like a light that spilled over everyone equally, be they an enemy or even a murderer or a vicious pile of scum… And when that love was clear, then everything in the world was clear!

Clear… light… white…

But she didn’t understand, she was incapable – couldn’t conceive how to imagine it. Like at school when she was small, it took a while before she realised how the letters combined to make a word… And who could imagine it? Who could possibly imagine that you might love a murderer just as you love your own dear little daughter?

Spring was in full bloom and a starling would sing in the early mornings in the chestnut tree behind the bins. It could quite easily have been mistaken for a nightingale because in the distant, bush-covered wasteland, not yet overcome by urban sprawl, nightingales would sing as high summer approached, but Natalya and Sofia both knew this starling – was it actually a starling, not a thrush? It was black with a yellow beak and appeared every year when the snow was still lying, or if the thaw had come, it would be forever scurrying across the slushy ground to clear it of everything edible. But this starling had no fear of spring sleet, it hugged the bins, somehow escaping the cats’ claws and now, every morning before dawn, affirmed with the piercing notes of a penny whistle that he was still alive and still ready to fight for its mate and its chicks and its chestnut tree.

Natalya Filippovna listened to his song, but it did not bring her joy or yearning as it had in previous springs. The feeling it gave her was as if the song was reaching her through a silence; to tell the truth it didn’t actually reach her, but instead drowned, died away into the silence, the emptiness… Much as she saw and heard everything and understood everything, the “everything” lay beyond the great silence that enveloped her… “That is just so lovely! Mum, come and listen! It’s so – not even a flute comes close. Our starling!” called Sofia – and what’s more, she agreed with her daughter wholeheartedly, but that didn’t stop the song feeling strange and far away… Perhaps that was how things were meant to be; after all, her life was already as good as over. She was pushing fifty; the only thing that she had to think about still was ensuring that her daughter got an education. She must keep both feet on the ground. She must provide for herself; study Estonian conscientiously every evening so that when her eyes were no longer good enough for electronics, or her fingers could no longer move nimbly enough, or there was another crisis in electronics, she could find a job working in a shop, say, find a decent job so that when Sofia had grown up and become independent, she would not be a burden to her. And she really did study hard: the only channels she watched on the telly were the ones in Estonian, and sometimes the ones in Finnish because Sofia wanted to watch a film they were showing. The films were mostly in English with Finnish subtitles so Natalya would try to decipher them – it was completely crazy because although the letters were the same as in Estonian, everything was twice as long written down and Natalya only ever managed to decipher two or three words before the next lot were on the screen. It was easier to listen to the news in Finnish. It was fairly similar to Estonian but more relaxed. As a rule, all Finnish broadcasts felt more relaxed. Estonian broadcasts barked at you rapidly as if they were forever wanting to say that if you couldn’t cope, then it was no one’s business but your own. If you couldn’t cope they’d write you off… But the Finns spoke as if they wanted to calm you: everything is OK, we’ll get there, just take things calmly… The only bad thing was that the two languages became a jumble and when Sofia told her to reply to something in Estonian, a mishmash would often emerge, making Sofia laugh and tell her that the way she talked was the way Estonians spoke Finnish – half in Estonian, half in Finnish…

And then one evening Kiira phoned and straight out said hello from Vova and said that Vova had invited her, Natalya, to his flat. Natalya felt a stern coldness envelop her heart and with the same sternness in her voice replied quickly that she no longer wanted to hear anything about Vova and she would never do that job again…

“Calm down,” chided Kiira, “don’t be so touchy! Vova’s not asking you to come to work, his wife’s back at it, she’s bellyaching about it but she’s back at it – money doesn’t grow on trees. It’s just that there’s a punter, just the one, who won’t go with her any more and just wants to see Natalya, just meet her and that’s what I, Kiira, on behalf of Vova, am now trying to arrange – although it’s not directly any responsibility of Vova’s and it’s nothing to do with Kiira. Nothing at all. But you have to meet people halfway when it’s an emergency like this.”

At that Natalya’s heart escaped her stern grasp as if it had slipped loose, and then started to flutter.

“I don’t know…” she murmured, bemused, when Kiira persisted, “I don’t want to, I don’t have time for any punters… I have my own job…”

But Kiira kept on cajoling – there was nothing to fear and nothing indecent, all you’ll do is sit down for a while, have a cup of tea, a chat. The punter just wants to chat, get things clear, I can come with you if you like… Natalya listened through a fog of sound filling her ears, and her body was being washed now by waves of heat and now by waves of cold…

And so she agreed to go to Vova’s on Thursday evening – Thursday had to be convenient for the punter and at the same time she was calm, there were no other punters, she could sit down calmly and have a cup of tea…

The three days before Thursday evening – as well as the whole of the day on Thursday – felt like a terribly long journey on an express train: her feelings hurtled through her, ever changing, like pictures flashing past a train window – happiness, trepidation and unexpected, unfounded sadness, and fondness and suspicion… They all hurtled around inside her while she had to sit in her place at a work bench or distractedly choose food in the shop or peel potatoes at home… Sometimes she smiled privately but tried immediately to wipe it away… And she sensed that everyone else was happier and was smiling all the time, and Sofia had started to laugh again and chat and seemed to have forgotten about the rat and those horrible boys who more likely than not had taken her money – or probably would have, if she hadn’t given it to them… Better not to think about them.

Natalya had intended to wear the same silk blouse with the red and gold flowers but then began to waver – she’d already waited once in vain. She dressed simply in a black skirt and her grey sweater; it was a tidy sweater, solid, and when all was said and done she wasn’t going on a date, was she? At least she mustn’t make that kind of impression. Even so she dabbed some perfume behind her ears, on her wrists, under her arms… The perfume was ancient, the one she’d brought back from Crimea. She used it only a couple of times a year, when she went to the theatre with Sofia to see the ballet, The Nutcracker or Swan Lake. She always tried to go to the theatre once a year with Sofia, and sometimes also when she was struck with a yearning for the warm, blue, sighing sea… But she tried to be careful with it, she wouldn’t be able to afford anything like it these days. Yet the scent in the bottle firmly stoppered with a cork had lasted nevertheless.

Vova and his wife Ira had stowed the tea table in the living room between the deep easy chairs and the sofa. A beautiful bouquet of flowers stood in a vase on the table, providing shade to a brandy bottle, glasses, teacups, a flask and a bowl of biscuits… In one of the easy chairs sat Jaakko – the Finn, her very first punter, who was cold and greasy like a lizard and looked like one too – bald and colourless. He stood up quickly, as soon as Natalya came through the door, but then just stood there by his chair, ill at ease.

Vova offered Natalya a seat and she sat down because she felt her legs growing suddenly numb and didn’t understand. Jaakko? Why Jaakko? What was the Finn’s part in all of this?

Jaakko had been a regular client who’d visited at exactly the same time, once a week, no more, no less. He never made any sound – except for his rhythmic, increasingly rapid breathing that stopped suddenly and he left as quietly as he arrived, quickly, almost in shame. For some reason Natalya even felt gratitude towards him – that she could forget him, that she could imagine that he wasn’t really a person, just a rubber robot that she could completely erase from her life – like an unpleasant film, she could just turn the telly off or switch channels… And now she was especially offended that that grey, cold, greasy lizard was occupying the space that belonged to her lovely, warm, tender Dmitri Dmitrievich – what he had to say to her could not be of importance. Perhaps he was going away forever and just wanted to say goodbye; perhaps he already had a family or God knows what, but not under any circumstances should he have been… in his place… She might have guessed as much, she should have realised beforehand, she should know by now that everything in this world was wicked and nothing else, wrong and no two ways about it. It was all a mockery.

“Yes, Natalya Filippovna,” said Vova, “this bouquet is for you. Jaakko chose it just for you, for the wonderful, fleeting moments he spent with you…”

Natalya could no longer hear what he was saying. She felt that Vova was a grey lizard too of the same ilk, only stronger and more execrable for that reason; as if none of them were people – not even Kiira and Vova’s wife Ira. And this room around her was not a place for people, it was some kind of lair for all the animals that had lured her here into a trap. And she burst into tears – how much from offence and how much from despair, she did not know.

“There, there,” Vova tried to calm her by patting her on the shoulder, “it must just be the shock… Have a swig…”

Natalya brusquely pushed away the glass that Vova was offering her; the brandy spewed into her lap and the damp stain on her clothes suddenly divided her in two – on the one side she was crying inconsolably, but on the other she saw and heard everything and followed attentively, yet calmly, with the superiority of an adult at a children’s performance. Not condescendingly, but with understanding empathy, as if she were looking over her own shoulder, as if it was not her own self, but Dmitri Dmitrievich, or as if they were both one and were trying together to calm the Natalya who was crying in the easy chair. But their consoling efforts were different from Vova’s, they would have regarded all the people there, including the unhappy Natalya in the easy chair, in the same way, as little creatures, perhaps as slightly foolish little creatures, but strangely each one as lovely as the rest, even though some of them looked a bit like lizards.

“Why is she crying?” asked Jaakko in Finnish, worried.

And Kiira shrilly replied in Finnish, “Onnesta! Aiva onnesta!”

Although she no longer really knew which Natalya she was just then – Natalya realised she understood what Jaakko was asking. It was just that she didn’t understand Kiira’s reply – onnesta – that must mean õnnest – “for happiness”, mustn’t it? But she wasn’t crying for happiness, so? Or perhaps the Estonian for the Finnish word was õnnetust– “unhappiness”… Just what was it they were saying? Kiira could speak every language, because she had to sell stuff all the time and she said that she had to be good at something and that something was selling, and if she didn’t know a customer’s lingo she’d learn it all right, even Chinese if more Chinese started coming here, just so she could flog them stuff… Never mind that Sofia always said that Kiira spoke all languages the same… and suddenly Sofia was here, and she no longer understood whether the person crying at her right shoulder was herself or Sofia; herself and Dima or Sofia and Dima, and how she now thought of him simply as “Dima”, and how she could think and feel so many things at once and so differently at once.

“How’s about that then?” asked Vova. “How about that, dear Natalya Filippovna? Jaakko is just saying that he can’t sleep with anyone any more – except you. He just can’t get it up for anyone else.” Vova spoke with emphatic deference, addressing her formally, although it sounded somehow quite pompous, as if he had Natalya under interrogation somewhere and was accountable to higher powers. “Just think, Natalya, how much worry and pain you’re causing another human being because of that.”

Those words cleared her head; she was suddenly herself again. The tears stopped as if they had never been shed, and she looked at the Finn with surprise: he was a completely ordinary person. And genuinely worried, helplessly worried.

“I will never sleep with anyone for money again,” said Natalya, surprising herself by the manner in which she said it – with such certainty and calmness, as if she knew that she would never need to do that again.

“Not for money,” Vova explained, “not for that… Of course he’d be willing for money, like before, if need be… But he wants you, the full package. To marry you!”

“But I don’t,” said Natalya, surprised, “but no! I don’t love him. Not in the slightest.”

She cast her eye over Jaakko at length and found she no longer understood: the repulsion had gone. There was no love, but there was no repulsion either. There was a chill in her heart.

“Oh Natalya, Natalya,” said Vova, “love is for the young… For children! But you and I should look at life with our feet on the ground. Jaakko, you see, is a simple worker, but he earns more than some of our government ministers and when he retires he’ll have no worries. Finnish pensioners can travel. Just look at us – if we’re even lucky enough to draw a pension, it’ll only ever be enough to keep the wolf from the door… If you’re with him you can be a lady and your worries will be over.”

“I don’t want to,” said Natalya determinedly, “I want to keep my job, that’s not negotiable!” But she wondered what were they talking about it for, she and Vova, because what was the point of travelling or money any more?

Now Jaakko became alarmed, shook Vova’s arm, asked something, Vova explained something to him then Kiira chimed in too. Natalya understood not a thing. Not because she’d understood nothing of the languages they were speaking, but because she was no longer trying to listen or understand anything. She just sat there, disinterested.

Vova then set about explaining again, trying to bring her round: “Jaakko says that you can do anything, live just as you like, you don’t have to invite him to your home, or come here, he’s bought a lovely little pad here and he has another flat in Helsinki… It’s small, but he owns it…”

“But why isn’t he married?” asked Natalya and felt that she wasn’t asking out of stubbornness or nosiness, but just as if she were a doctor addressing a patient, trying to make a specific diagnosis.

Vova translated her question with a sigh, but Jaakko replied dutifully, quietly, as if explaining his problem to the doctor.

“He was married,” Vova now translated what Jaakko had said, “but his wife left him. He says he’s a boring type of a bloke – women don’t fall for men like him… He’s not expecting you to love him – if only you can indulge him…”

Natalya glanced at Jaakko, but then they caught each other’s eyes. The look in Jaakko’s was gentle, humble, concerned – a look that stopped Natalya in her tracks. That was how Dima had looked at her, Dmitri Dmitrievich, when he’d said “pray for us, pray for all of us…” Natalya burst into tears again, whether from despair or sheer surprise that warmth was again flooding into her heart. Vova no longer rushed to console her, but merely turned to Jaakko. The three of them put their heads together, Vova, Kiira and Jaakko, and discussed something at length among themselves…

Then Vova turned to Natalya again, patted her on the shoulder and said softly, rapidly, “Kiira’s explained that you have a daughter, but Jaakko said that that doesn’t matter, he has two sons, both grown up. Kiira’s explained that you live only for your daughter, that she was the only reason that you ever did the work you did here for us… But Jaakko said that it’s completely understandable for women to live just for their children and that he won’t interfere with that, he wouldn’t disrupt your lives, he’d have no idea how to bring a daughter up… He doesn’t know a thing about women – he wouldn’t have the cheek to disrupt your daughter’s life…”

“Kiira said that you have a dream, that you liked Crimea, being by the warm sea… But Crimea isn’t what it used to be in our day. There’s a war in Crimea these days – they might not be fighting at the moment but everything’s in turmoil and it’s poor – there’re no spas or holiday accommodations there any more… But Jaakko says that there’s warm blue sea elsewhere – in Greece, Italy… There’s a rocky island in the middle of the sea, Capri, it’s even more beautiful than Crimea, and the water there is like a precious stone, clear and limpid…”

Natalya lifted her gaze again and looked directly at Jaakko – his eyes were clear and light… But somewhere in the innermost depths of those eyes she saw looking back at her the same yearning, the same sadness that moments before had again flooded through her being like the spring rain…

“Oh Lord,” she thought in bewilderment, “oh God, could I really? Could I really settle for him and not end up despising him?”

Copyright

© Mari Saat 2015

Translation copyright © Vagabond Voices Publishing Ltd.

November 2015

First published on 2 November 2015 by Vagabond Voices Publishing Ltd., Glasgow, Scotland.

ISBN: 978–1–908251–54–1

The author’s right to be identified as author of this book under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 has been asserted.

Printed and bound in Poland

Cover design by Mark Mechan

Typeset by Park Productions

The publisher acknowledges subsidy towards this translation from the Estonian Cultural Endowment

The publisher acknowledges subsidy towards this publication from Creative Scotland

For further information on Vagabond Voices, see the website, www.vagabondvoices.co.uk

Content

Mari Saat
THE SAVIOUR OF LASNAMÄE
Translated by Susan Wilson

Copyright