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THEM!: A Story In Five Parts

THEM!

A Story in Five Parts

Gwen Cooper

BenBella Books, Inc.

Dallas, TX

Copyright © 2018 by Gwen Cooper

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

BenBella Books, Inc.

10440 N. Central Expressway, Suite 800

Dallas, TX 75231

www.benbellabooks.com

Send feedback to feedback@benbellabooks.com

e-ISBN: 9781948836036

Distributed to the trade by Two Rivers Distribution, an Ingram brand www.tworiversdistribution.com

THEM!

A Story in Five Parts

1. The Bowl Boy

Laurence and I uncovered an infestation of moths in our closets and drawers a few weeks ago. It was the kind of thing I thought only happened to people in sitcoms and movies—having never personally known anyone with a moth-ridden house in real life. Turns out, it does happen in real life. When I first started finding holes in the cashmere sweaters I was prepping for summer storage, I blamed the cats—Fanny, in particular, who dearly loves sleeping on articles of my clothing, especially when that clothing is made of cashmere or angora (Fanny having very posh tastes). I’ve occasionally observed her remorselessly “making biscuits” on said clothing—her claws at full extension—preparatory to lying down. It seemed like a plausible theory.

But when I then found identical holes in T-shirts, sweatshirts, silk blouses, pajamas, socks, workout togs, and all manner of other clothing that neither Fanny nor Clayton had access to, I began to doubt the cats’ guilt. And when I finally noticed two teeny-tiny moths, perched upside down on the bedroom ceiling above my head, I knew I’d found my culprits.

Tearfully, I consigned a large pile of expensive cashmere sweaters—accumulated over some fifteen years—to the trash, the holes in them so numerous that no amount of clever crocheting could have salvaged them. I walked from the bedroom closet to Laurence’s home office, right next door to our bedroom, cradling in my arms the moth-eaten corpse of a much-beloved cranberry cowl-neck as tenderly as if it were the bullet-riddled body of a comrade fallen in battle. Throwing it across the desk where Laurence was working, I informed him of the moth-y new development in our lives. “We must kill them,” I announced. My voice quavered with the intensity of my desire for vengeance, and I struck my fist on Laurence’s desk for dramatic emphasis. “We must kill them with fire!”

The only ones who seemed pleased at this turn of events were the cats. My manic tear through our closets and drawers, after I’d discovered the first moth holes, had sent airborne perhaps another half-dozen moths who’d been disturbed from the cool, dark comfort of their hiding places. Small as they were, their frantic, looping cartwheels in the air around us made the catching of them a delightfully tantalizing prospect for Fanny and Clayton.

Poor, stocky Clayton, who has only one hind leg, is a mediocre jumper at best, and most of the moths evaded him easily enough. But his littermate, Fanny—slender and leanly muscled—is our resident jock. Able to leap from a starting point on the ground to the height of my hairline, with as much dazzling speed as if she were a black-furred bolt of lightning, Fanny was in her element as she made short work of one moth after another.

It’s possible that Fanny is the actual sweetest cat in the world—a devoted lover who coos and cuddles and looks at me with her whole heart in her round, golden eyes—but she is, conversely, also the most murderous cat I’ve ever lived with. If Fanny has a bucket list, that list consists of only one item: to kill something worth killing before she shuffles off this mortal coil. Every spring, when the sparrows who nest in the eaves of our Jersey City brownstone push their fledglings down into the little patch of grass in front of our bay window, I have to lock Fanny in the upstairs bedroom for a couple of days, legitimately afraid that she might crack her skull from striking it repeatedly against the bay window’s panes, so desperate is she to dispatch those temptingly plump and flightless baby birds as they hop around helplessly on the other side of the glass.

As a strictly indoor cat, Fanny never gets a chance at the birds or squirrels who seem to take a certain delight in taunting her from safe perches just outside our windows. And since I’ve never seen a rat or a mouse in any home I’ve shared with my cats—not even when we lived in Manhattan, dubbed “Worst Rat City in the World” in 2014 by Animal Planet (presumably the rodents catch our home’s cat smell and clear a wide berth)—Fanny is forced to expend her bloodlust on toy mice and whatever live insects manage to make their way indoors. The moths, therefore, were a bonanza for her.

They were, however, anything but a bonanza for me. I hadn’t been kidding when I’d proclaimed, “We must kill them with fire!” A cursory check of Google revealed stories of people who’d been fighting moth infestations for years. I quickly outlined for Laurence what seemed to me an entirely rational plan of attack, involving roughly a metric ton of kerosene and a single lit match.

Cooler heads eventually prevailed, however. We ultimately embarked on a far more sensible course of action, purchasing dozens of boxes of mothballs, plastic zip-up storage bags, cedar hangers, two cans of repellant cedar spray, and another two cans of a pet-safe insecticide. We backed these up by emptying every single item out of every single closet and drawer and either putting them through three entire laundry cycles or, in the case of delicate fabrics, sending them out to the dry cleaner. Once everything had been cleaned, I then completed a thorough visual exam, sitting beneath a strong lamp with a magnifying glass in my hand as I pored over sweaters and wool dresses like a Talmudic scholar, searching for any telltale signs of moth larvae.

Having undertaken such an early and unexpectedly aggressive round of spring cleaning, Laurence and I decided we might as well give the entire house a thorough scrubbing from top to bottom and, in the process, dispose of all the superfluous stuff we’d accumulated over the years. Since we were, thanks to the lepidopteran pestilence visited upon us, getting rid of so many things we actually cared about, what was the point in hanging onto things we were indifferent to?

And here’s where an old and familiar series of arguments began: Is it technically fair to call something “unused” if we never use it ourselves, but the cats use it all the time in some way other than its original intended purpose?

“You made me go out and buy that special cast-iron frying pan so you could make us omelets,” I said to Laurence, “and we’ve still never had a single omelet in this house. The pan’s been gathering dust on top of the kitchen cabinet for three years now.”

“You really think we should get rid of it?” Laurence gestured across the room to indicate Fanny who, as if on cue, made a nimble leap from kitchen counter to cabinet top, then stepped neatly into the middle of the frying pan in question. “Someone might object.”

It’s true. Fanny has a fondness for high places—probably because the higher up she is, the less likely that Clayton will be able to pester her—and that frying pan had become her favorite kitchen napping spot. And I’ll confess that, once I noticed how much she loved curling up there, I’d lined the pan with an old T-shirt, hating the thought of Fanny trying to make herself comfortable in a “bed” of cold, hard metal.

“What about that huge ‘decorative bowl’ you made us buy for the middle of the kitchen table?” Laurence suggested. “It doesn’t do anything. It just sits there until we push it out of the way at dinnertime.”

“No way!” I protested. “That’s Clayton’s favorite place to sleep when he’s in the kitchen.”

“He only ever comes down to the kitchen when we’re not eating so he can bother Fanny,” Laurence pointed out.

“Exactly,” I replied. “And when he can’t get to her, because she’s on top of the cabinet in her frying pan, he goes to sleep in his bowl, and everybody’s happy. I thought you thought it was so adorable of him,” I added wistfully. “You always call him the ‘bowl boy.’”

Moving through the house with an eye toward ridding ourselves of the unnecessary, it was astonishing to realize how many things had long since ceased to be of any practical value except insofar as the cats got some enjoyment out of them. For example, the gel pads I’d bought to support my wrists while I was typing, when I’d felt the earliest twinges of incipient carpal-tunnel syndrome (an occupational hazard for writers). Clayton, who likes to sleep next to me on my desk while I work, had immediately claimed them for his own, clawing at them until the gel oozed out to form sticky patches. This had rendered them unfit for my own use, obviously, but—once the sticky patches had attracted enough of Clayton’s shed fur to make them more fuzzy than gummy—they made for ideal catnap pillows. I didn’t really want to take those away from him, did I?

Then there was the recumbent exercise bike I’d installed in a corner of our bedroom, intending to ride it during the breaks I managed to snatch for reading a book while on writing deadlines. I’d ended up discovering, however, that I much preferred a couple of hours of dedicated gym time to twenty-minute increments here and there over the course of the day. Still, I’d been loath to try to resell it, because it was Clayton’s favorite bedroom perch once we’d all turned in for the night. In any event, he’d “marked” the bike’s faux-leather seat with his claws until it was so torn up that we probably couldn’t have resold it even if we’d wanted to. There was plenty of room for it in the bedroom, so it was hard to see what harm we were doing by just letting it stay there.

We had empty shelves mounted on walls throughout the house, having planned once upon a time to display our knickknacks on them. But Fanny, with her love of high places, was apt to sleep on those shelves, and Clayton—when it came to the shelves he could actually climb up to—had a habit of pushing any knickknacks he encountered onto the floor. So the shelves remained empty, devoid of any justifiable use to our home’s human inhabitants and making it look as if we were in a perpetual state of either moving in or moving out. Fanny was happy, though, which was the thing that really mattered.

There were two plush blankets that Laurence’s sister had given us as holiday gifts last year—intending, I think, for Laurence and me to snuggle beneath them together while watching movies from the couch. But the cats adored all soft things, and the second we’d placed the blankets on the couch, Clayton and Fanny had sprawled out on them, rolling around ecstatically on their backs as they luxuriated in the plush texture. Now the blankets were thoroughly be-furred and wadded up on the ground, one in our third-floor bedroom and one in the book room on our middle floor.

“If anything’s going to attract moths, those blankets will,” Laurence said.

“Moths don’t eat polyester,” I replied.

Like all cats, Fanny and Clayton loved cardboard boxes more than just about anything. Accordingly, a few old shoeboxes had taken up a permanent residence on our living-room floor. “We can finally get rid of those—can’t we?” Laurence suggested, pointing to two boxes that the cats happened to be sleeping in at that exact moment. As if they understood what we were saying, Clayton and Fanny looked up at us, anxious pleas for clemency written in four identical golden eyes. You’re not going to take away our shoeboxes that we love soooooo much . . . are you?

“You’re a monster,” I told Laurence.

Similar stays of execution were also granted to a few stray plastic bottle caps (“Fanny loves ‘hunting’ them, and she never gets to hunt anything real,” I implored); a nest of ink-less pens that Clayton, unbeknownst to us, had been hoarding beneath the couch (I tried to get rid of them, really I did—but Clayton had hippity-hopped after me, as I clutched his treasure trove of useless pens, with such a persistent and plaintive chorus of Meeeeeeeee! that I’d been forced to relent); some old rolls of wrapping paper that didn’t have enough paper left on them to wrap another gift, but that nonetheless delighted the cats with the crinkling sound they made when they were knocked onto their sides and batted across a tile floor; and a couple of ancient bed pillows that were well past any ability to provide comfort to human heads, but that the cats thought were absolutely purr-fect spots for a long siesta, once Laurence and I were up and out of bed for the day.

In the end, we got rid of two huge trash bags’ worth of moth-chewed clothing and a far more modestly sized bag of broken hangers, old papers, and the like, culled from our cleaning efforts throughout the rest of the house. “It’s not as much as I thought it would be,” I admitted to Laurence, who sighed and agreed, “Yeah . . . it never is.”

Our first battle against the moths was over. The war, however, had only begun.

2. Fanny Frenzy

It’s hard to imagine two creatures whose lives more closely resemble an airtight cocoon of security and love than my cats. They came to us as a “bonded pair” of littermates and best friends, and—except for the two weeks Clayton spent recovering from the surgery to remove his bad half-leg—the two of them have never been separated since the day they were born. They live with a pair of humans who dote on them to a fairly ludicrous degree and who work from home, ensuring that Clayton and Fanny have a near-constant stream of attention and affection pretty much on tap. Our leafy street in Jersey City is generally quiet and serene, and the rhythms of Clayton’s and Fanny’s days—varied mostly by whether and how many squirrels and birds perch on our windowsills to tempt our little would-be predators—have the sort of comforting and predictable sameness that would be the envy of most other cats. And life, for the most part, has always been good to Clayton and Fanny. Unlike so many rescue cats, they never spent a single day of their existence confined to a cage in a shelter. They were found at two weeks of age in the backyard of a kindly cat rescuer who turned them over immediately to a foster network he volunteered with, called Furrever Friends, which placed the two kittens in the home of an experienced kitten foster mom. From what I could tell in our conversations prior to my adopting them, she lavished on Clayton and Fanny (then named Peeta and Katniss—possibly the only genuine hardship they’ve ever had to endure) nearly as much slavish adoration as Laurence and I do now.

It’s true that I can’t account for anything that may have happened to them during the first two weeks of their lives. But, then, I doubt that Clayton and Fanny would have much information to offer about those two weeks, either.

So it irks me, probably more than it should, when the two of them get more skittish than a given situation seems to call for. I expect—and accept—a certain amount of hissing from Clayton when I run the vacuum cleaner. But I’ll admit that I get a wee bit impatient when I hear that same wild flurry of hissing upon snapping open a plastic garbage bag (“When,” I’ll ask Clayton, “have I ever allowed a single bad thing to happen in this house?”). Or when Fanny, the quintessential “daddy’s girl,” bolts in terror at the sound of Laurence’s footsteps—his tread undeniably heavier than my own—coming up the stairs. Usually, once she’s gotten a few feet away, she’ll boomerang back around to greet Laurence properly, as if having realized mid-flight, Oh, wait—that’s not the Apocalypse. It’s just Laurence walking upstairs! But after six years of hearing that exact same footfall, you’d think she’d have learned to recognize it instantly by now.

Then there was the time when Fanny got a tiny price sticker—picked up heaven knows where—stuck to one of her front paws. I found her in the hallway trying furiously, and unsuccessfully, to shake it loose. Intending only to help—and not thinking much of it—I picked her up with one hand, pulled off the sticker (it came off very easily, I should note, and didn’t take a single strand of fur with it), and placed her back on the floor. The whole thing took about two seconds. Nevertheless—I kid you not—Fanny hid under the bed or ran to hide in a closet whenever she saw me coming for the next five hours. Five hours! The same cat who spends half her day napping sweetly in my lap while I write—a cat whom I’ve never once touched with anything other than gentleness and love—was now fleeing from me in abject panic because I’d pulled a tiny sticker off her front paw. The nerve of it! The drama! “Fanny!” I pleaded, watching her scuttle out of my path, eyes wide with fear, as if I were Carrie at the prom. “What is your problem? Nothing bad has EVER happened to you!”

So I knew we were really in for it the Saturday afternoon that Fanny got her exceptionally long, snaky tail caught in one of our moth traps.

If Phase One in our war on the moths had been a general carpet-bombing of drawers and closets with moth spray, then Phase Two was all about hand-to-hand combat. Once our arsenal of mothballs and cedar hangers, and a generous application of cedar spray, had made life in closets and drawers thoroughly untenable for the invaders, they began showing themselves out in the open, in plain sight. One of them, in a frenzied flight away from a plume of cedar spray, flew right up Laurence’s nose. “I think it came out my ear!” Laurence sputtered, pressing his finger against his nose to hold one nostril closed as he exhaled furiously through the other—until, finally, he saw the welcome sight of the moth exiting (considerably worse for wear) the same way it had entered.

For a good few days, it seemed as if the air in our house was thick with minute gray wings. We went on something of a rampage, whacking them with rolled-up newspapers and T-shirts—whatever was close by, basically, that could be used to crush an errant moth against a wall or the floor without damaging either. The cats were alarmed at first by the constant hiss of spray and thwack! of newspapers that filled our home—although they, too, were eager to get in on the action. Fanny and Clayton sometimes made their kills individually and sometimes worked as a team, with Fanny leaping high to force a moth into a downward trajectory while Clayton waited on the ground beneath her to scoop up the befuddled insect in his jaws.

In addition to the mothballs and insecticides we’d already acquired, we purchased—on the advice of several online posters who’d also dealt with moths—a slew of moth traps, which were triangular cardboard tents with sticky interiors that operated on the same premise as Roach Motels: They enticed the moths inside with a moth-attracting scent (undetectable to the human nose) and then held them fast.

We placed the moth traps atop our tallest bookcases and highest shelves—higher, we thought, than even Fanny was able to go. Clearly, however, we had underestimated the zealousness of Fanny, our little huntress, in her pursuit of airborne quarry.

Laurence and I were downstairs on the living room couch watching a movie when we first realized something was wrong. Ever the film buff, Laurence had curated a collection of giant-bug movies from the ’50s for us to watch during this, our time of insect affliction. With a new appreciation, we rediscovered (or, in my case, discovered for the first time) such noteworthy entries in the subgenre as The Deadly Mantis, Earth vs. the Spider, Tarantula!, The Wasp Woman, and, of course, the classic Them!, which was about a swarm of giant, irradiated ants that sprang up in the New Mexico desert, near the nuclear test sites.

Clayton was sound asleep on my lap, so when we first heard the rapid-fire thudding of feline paws on the floor above our heads, we assumed it was, as we call it in our house, a “Fanny Frenzy”—which is when Fanny goes to town on Rosie the Rat (her favorite plaything), swatting and tossing the toy from one bedroom to the other in a burst of hyperactivity. But then we heard the clatter and thump of unknown objects flying from their perches, and the crash of a bedside lamp hitting the floor. Those noises weren’t at all typical of a Fanny Frenzy. Swiftly dislodging a thoroughly unhappy Clayton, I leapt from the couch and ran upstairs to see what was going on.

The sight that greeted me as I entered our bedroom looked like a crime scene. The pillows on the bed and the pictures on the walls were all askew. Everything that had once been on top of a piece of furniture now lay in a heap below it—books had been swept from the bookcase and were lying open and bent upside down with their pages wadded up; pens and earrings had been tossed from the top of the dresser onto the floor; the lamp, clock radio, and tissue box that customarily resided on the night table were lying at odd angles on the ground. In the midst of all this chaos, Fanny was crouched on the floor. Her pupils were so dilated with fright that her golden eyes appeared black.

Glued firmly to the end of her long, long tail was one of our tented moth traps. Unable to detach it, she’d obviously tried to outrun it instead—alas, to no avail.

“It’s okay, Fanny.” I deliberately made my voice low-pitched and calm as I walked slowly toward her, not wanting to alarm her further. “It’s okay, baby girl. Let mommy help you.”

Laurence came up the stairs behind me just in time to see Fanny turn her all-pupil eyes briefly in my direction (Don’t come any closer! I REMEMBER THE STICKER!) before darting under the bed, the triangular moth trap still stuck to her tail skipping merrily across the floor behind her. In vain, Laurence and I knelt on opposite sides of the king-size bed and then lay down on our sides, trying to get to Fanny so we could pull her out. But neither of us had arms long enough to reach the spot in the middle where she’d curled herself into the tightest ball she could manage. The only way reaching her might have been possible would have been if Laurence lifted the bed, and it seemed unwise to risk adding the complications of a back injury to the problem we already had.

So, for the moment at least, Fanny had us at a stalemate. “She’ll have to come out eventually,” I finally said with a sigh. Bending down, I picked up the lamp and clock radio and restored them to their appointed spots on the night table. “And she’ll probably be calmer when she does.”

Fanny had bolted under the bed at around one o’clock in the afternoon, and it was nearly midnight before she finally reemerged. She’d missed both her lunch and dinner—although I’d done my best to tempt her out of hiding, carrying the cans up two flights from the kitchen to the bedroom, just so I could open them next to the bed. In my experience, the sound of a can opening and the rattling of a treats bag are the two sounds likeliest to summon even the scaredy-est cat. Accordingly, I’d also gone up periodically to shake the bag of Greenies in the hallway just outside the bedroom. But Fanny had remained unmoved by either of these lures.

Some calls of nature, however, are harder to resist than others, and I think Fanny was heading for the litter box, some eleven hours later, when she finally crept down the stairs. But the sound of the moth trap dragging behind her, thumping against each step as she descended, sent her into another, quite literal, tailspin.

Fortunately for us, though, this time Fanny didn’t head up and back toward the bed. Instead, she flew down the remaining stairs and began running in desperate circles around the living room. Up and over the couch, across the coffee table, onto the mantelpiece, then back down to the floor—the triangular trap on her tale a whirling mace that sent throw pillows, coasters, coffee-table books, and framed photographs into brief, dizzying flights before they crashed to the ground. Laurence and I threw up our hands to protect our faces from any flying shards of glass from the picture frames, only lowering them once Fanny was safely earthbound again among the wreckage as her spinning continued.

Clayton, clearly laboring under the misapprehension that Fanny had invented some fascinating new game (We’re running in pointless circles! Wheeeeeeeee!) hippity-hopped after her, working desperately hard to keep up and make sure he didn’t miss out on any of the “fun.” I don’t know if Fanny thought that Clayton was chasing her, or if his presence simply egged her on, but the harder he pursued, the faster she ran. The moth trap still attached to Fanny’s tail bounced gaily between them, like a child’s pull-toy.

I knew that Fanny’s inevitable next move—once the futility of running in circles had fully revealed itself to her—would be to try to get back upstairs and under the bed. Accordingly, I stationed myself in front of the staircase and hunkered down like the catcher in a baseball game. Soon enough, Fanny came winging toward me. Upon seeing me waiting for her, she tried to make a last-minute swerve beyond the reach of my arms. But this time I was quicker than she was and—at last!—I scooped her up in my arms.

Shooing Clayton away with one foot, I cradled Fanny against my chest for a moment, both hands supporting her from beneath as I pressed my cheek against the top of her head and tried to slow the anxious pounding of her heart with the calmer rhythm of my own. “I’ve got you, Fanny,” I murmured. “I’ve got you, little girl. It’s all going to be okay.”

Gesturing Laurence toward the middle of the living-room rug, I carried Fanny over and sank slowly into a cross-legged position. Holding Fanny out at both arms’ length for a moment—the moth trap now dangling limply from her tail like a flag that’s lost its wind—I turned Fanny around and pressed her against my side, so that my hands were still supporting her beneath her chest and hindquarters, her head was wedged firmly beneath my elbow, and her backside with the sagging moth trap was facing toward Laurence, who was now seated across from me.

“I’m going to kind of squish her against my side, so that she feels a little safer and doesn’t see what’s coming,” I told Laurence. “And you are going to rip that wretched moth trap right off her tail.”

Laurence, his eyes passing over Fanny as she continued to squirm, looked dubious. “I don’t want to hurt her.”

“It’ll be fine,” I assured him. “Ready?” I pressed Fanny a bit more tightly against my side.

Laurence grasped the end of Fanny’s tail and, with agonizing slowness, began to peel it from the inside of the moth trap, one strand of fur at a time. Fanny struggled in earnest now, one of her hind claws raking through my shirt and into my skin. Although we kept her claws fairly well trimmed, she dug in hard, and I knew it would leave a nasty scratch.

Gritting my teeth against both the pain and Fanny’s tussling, I said to Laurence, “You have to rip it off in one clean shot, like tearing off a Band-Aid.”

“But I don’t want to hurt her,” he repeated.

“She’s hurting me,” I told him. “Just get it off already.”

Laurence’s hold on Fanny’s tail tightened, as did his grip on the moth trap in his other hand. He hesitated for a second and then, with one decisive tear, tail and moth trap were finally separated. I loosened my own grip on Fanny just a little, but that was all she needed to wriggle free. Racing back upstairs, I could hear the sound of her claws skidding across the floor above us as she once again retreated under the bed. I knew we wouldn’t see her again for the rest of the night.

When I examined the moth trap, I found a fuzzy black strip that Fanny’s tail had left behind but, fortunately, no skin and no blood. I, however, hadn’t fared as well. A few dots of blood from the scratch Fanny had given me seeped through my nightshirt. Laurence noted it, too.

“I’ll go get the alcohol,” he said, standing up and helping me to my feet.

“Rubbing or drinking?” I asked, hoping for the latter. And Laurence laughed, replying, “Why not both?”

By breakfast-time the following morning, Fanny and I were friends again. A good night’s sleep and the welcome aroma of food after her unplanned fast the day before (Clayton, it would appear, had eaten Fanny’s food as well as his own when she’d failed to show up for her meals) had done most of the work of restoring the balance between us. After her post-breakfast siesta, Fanny returned to stalking moths through the house. Laurence and I were pleased to note that their numbers were in a definite decline. And the retreat continued even after we disposed of the rest of the moth traps—which, we were forced to admit, hadn’t been nearly as effective a moth deterrent as Fanny was, anyway.

People with black cats are apt to refer to them as “house panthers.” It’s an epithet I’d certainly never apply to my roly-poly Clayton, crazy as I am about him. But in Fanny’s case, the comparison between her and her “big cat” cousins seemed apt: the precise symmetry of her lean muscles beneath her glossy black fur; the flawless grace and balance when she leapt from floor to bookcase; the hypersensitivity of the ears, eyes, and whiskers that didn’t miss a single thing that moved, crept, or flew in the terrain around her.

I realized, watching Fanny prowl through the house with as much unthinking confidence in her own prowess as any panther ever had, that the constant stream of sensory input and physical awareness—which made her such a ruthlessly efficient hunter—were also the root cause of the overload that occasionally made her spook a little too easily.

You couldn’t have separated the one from the other, couldn’t have changed the balance without throwing the entire mechanism off its axis. Without question, Fanny could be a pain in the neck sometimes. But she was our pain in the neck, which was precisely why we loved her as much as we did.

And she was still—as we recognized that laundry and pesticides would take us only so far—one of the best weapons we had in our ongoing assault against the moths.

3. Scene from a Lost Harold Pinter Play

ACT ONE – SCENE ONE

INT. GWEN AND LAURENCE’S THREE-STORY BROWNSTONE IN JERSEY CITY – A SUNNY WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON

LIGHTS UP ON DOWNSTAGE LEFT: GWEN sitting at a sleek black desk in front of her laptop computer. With one hand on the keyboard, another tapping on the desk, and her eyebrows scrunched as she gazes at the laptop’s screen, she’s obviously deep in thought. CLAYTON, a three-legged black cat, is splayed out on her lap.

LIGHTS UP ON ELEVATED PLATFORM, DOWNSTAGE RIGHT: LAURENCE has just sat down at an old wooden desk in front of a large desktop computer. As he arranges himself on the chair, FANNY, another black cat, eagerly leaps onto his lap and daintily makes herself comfortable. LAURENCE shifts to accommodate her as he turns his head toward the offstage door and shouts to GWEN, who is one floor beneath him.

LAURENCE: Hey! One of the cats threw up in the kitchen!

GWEN: Okay.

LAURENCE: Okay.

GWEN: And . . . ?

LAURENCE: You should clean it before it sinks into the tile and makes a permanent stain.

GWEN: Can’t you clean it? With all the moth mishegas I’m behind on my deadline.

LAURENCE: I thought you’d want to look at it first.

GWEN: Why would I want to look at it first?

LAURENCE: I don’t know . . . I thought you might want to check viscosity and breakdown.

GWEN: What does “viscosity and breakdown” even mean?

LAURENCE: It’s from that old motor oil commercial—remember those commercials?

GWEN [muttering]: You and your old commercials.

LAURENCE: What’d you say?

GWEN: I have to turn in this story to my editor tomorrow. Are you going to clean it or not?

LAURENCE: I really think you should examine it first.

GWEN: They probably just ate too many moths or threw up a hairball or something.

LAURENCE: It doesn’t look like moths or a hairball.

GWEN: How would you know what a hairball looks like? You never clean up their hairballs.

LAURENCE: Because I always think you’ll want to look at it first.

GWEN: Why do you keep saying that? What do you think is so compelling about a puddle of cat vomit that I have to drop everything and race over like it was a flash sale at Barneys?

LAURENCE: What if one of them is sick?

GWEN: Cats throw up sometimes. It’s what they do. I’m sure it’s fine.

LAURENCE: But you don’t know that it’s fine—you don’t even know who threw up.

GWEN: What am I, a cat CSI unit? How am I supposed to know which cat threw up? Was one of them standing near it?

LAURENCE: They were both gone by the time I found it.

GWEN: Found it and left it for me, you mean.

LAURENCE: I can never clean it as well as you can.

GWEN: Oh, come on!

LAURENCE: It’s true! I’m not as good as getting it all up as you are.

GWEN: Well, as my mother used to say, practice makes perfect.

LAURENCE: Did she?

GWEN: She also used to say, God gave you two arms and two legs. Didn’t your mother ever say anything like that?

LAURENCE: Don’t bring my mother into this.

GWEN: I’m sure she’d agree that you’re a full-grown man who’s perfectly capable of cleaning up cat vomit all by himself.

LAURENCE: But I’m on the third floor. You’re so much closer.

GWEN: Wait . . . you’re upstairs? I thought you were still downstairs. How’d you get all the way upstairs?

LAURENCE: I walked on the two legs God gave me.

GWEN: Sarcasm’s definitely your best play right now.

LAURENCE: Why are you asking a question you already know the answer to?

GWEN: So . . . you saw the throw-up on the first floor, decided to leave it for me, walked all the way past me on the second floor without saying a word, and now you’re on the third floor?

LAURENCE: I can make you a sketch of my route, if you’d like.

GWEN: Very cute.

LAURENCE: Well, I’m obviously too far away to do anything about it now.

GWEN: Only because you walked up two whole floors before you said anything!

LAURENCE: What’s done is done. Besides, I thought you’d want to look at first.

GWEN: Stop saying that!

LAURENCE: It’s true!

GWEN: Like I don’t know that this whole you should look at it first routine is just so you can stick me with a gross job.

LAURENCE: My intentions were pure.

GWEN: Pure?!

LAURENCE: Not to mention that Fanny’s already so comfortable on my lap. It would be cruel to disturb her.

GWEN: Don’t use Fanny against me! And anyway, Clayton’s on my lap. So we’re even.

LAURENCE: But I’m up on the third floor. What am I supposed to do about cat throw-up that’s all the way downstairs?

GWEN: It’s too bad we had those one-way-only stairs installed. How will you possibly get “all the way downstairs” ever again?

LAURENCE: Now who’s being sarcastic?

GWEN [mimicking him]: Now who’s being sarcastic?

LAURENCE: I heard that!

GWEN: Isn’t it enough that I just did, like, fifteen loads of laundry to get rid of the moths? Can’t you do this one thing when you know I’m on a tight deadline?

LAURENCE: Fine! I’ll go down and clean the cat vomit. Go back to your writing.

GWEN: FORGET IT! I’VE ALREADY LOST MY TRAIN OF THOUGHT!

LAURENCE: This is going to end up in your new book, isn’t it?

GWEN: Don’t be ridiculous . . .

Scene.

4. Ping!

Ahoy! Bless your eyes, here’s old Bill Barley. Here’s old Bill Barley, bless your eyes. Here’s old Bill Barley on the flat of his back, by the Lord. Lying on the flat of his back like a drifting old dead flounder, here’s your old Bill Barley, bless your eyes. Ahoy! Bless you.

—Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

I always say that when I turned forty, it was like a warranty expired. There wasn’t any single catastrophic failure, but all kinds of little things started going wrong in unpredictable ways. The gradual breaking down of my previously resilient body began, in point of fact, on the night of my fortieth birthday itself. Laurence and I were celebrating in Paris and had gone out for an extravagant dinner at an over-the-top restaurant (Napoleon had courted Josephine there, our guidebooks breathlessly informed us), and the six-course meal left me—despite having always prided myself on my billy-goat stomach—wide awake and tossing for the better part of the night with the kind of intense heartburn I’d never even suspected was possible.

As the months went by, new and unmistakable signs of aging cropped up. I’d find dark hairs sprouting on my chin, whereas the hair in other, more private, regions began to fall out. Suddenly I had knees that could forecast the weather: I’d feel a certain twinge in the right one and be able to inform Laurence, with near-perfect accuracy, “It’s going to rain tomorrow.” Getting around New York and environs was definitely more of a challenge than it had been in younger, sprightlier days. Upon reaching the top of the endless flights of stairs at the Christopher Street PATH station in the West Village, for example, I’d find myself too winded to speak for a good minute or two.

This catalog of minor grievances could go on, but you get the point. Still, nothing truly awful had gone wrong until one afternoon, about a month into our moth infestation, when I was in hot pursuit of a particularly large and resilient moth that Fanny had flushed out in the living room. I had a rolled-up newspaper in one hand, and had just bent over to swat the bugger as it made a sudden dive toward the floor, when I felt a ping! in my lower back. And then, everything stopped.

More specifically, my legs stopped. Working, that is. The last thing I remember thinking, as I fell to my knees and cried out for Laurence, was that aging is the absolute worst thing in the world.

Well . . . except for the alternative.

A visit to our neighborhood chiropractor revealed no injuries of a serious nature—no herniated or slipped disk, or anything requiring drastic intervention. “Just a good old-fashioned pulled muscle,” was the chiropractor’s diagnosis. After cracking my spine a few times, he advised, “Spend as much time as possible lying flat on a firm surface. A firm mattress would be ideal. Everything should settle back into place within a day or two.”

At the risk of making my cats sound heartless, it must be said that Clayton and Fanny are always positively elated when I’m sick enough to require a full day in bed. It’s usually a cold or flu that takes me down, and the cats take great pleasure in requisitioning my heating pad (to lie on) and my box of tissues (to tear to shreds). The aspirin bottle I’ll keep on the bedside night table for easy access makes a charming rattle when peremptorily swatted off the table to roll around on the floor—and, no doubt, my cats must ask themselves whether it wouldn’t be more sensible on their humans’ part to simply keep this enthralling cat toy easily accessible on the night table all the time.

But the very best part of my being sick, from the cats’ point of view, is that they get to join me in bed for a full day, or—if I’m really sick and the cats are really lucky—maybe even two full days. Clayton and Fanny are longtime practitioners of snooze-all-day-ism, and they seem to regard my sick days as a possible—and promising—first step toward a permanent embrace of their lifestyle. They’ll pile into bed with me, and frequently on me, like senior members of a cult keeping close tabs on a new initiate, making sure she doesn’t begin to have second thoughts or stray from the path. If they sense that I’m about to get out of bed, one or the other of them will climb onto my chest and bring a whiskered black face as close as possible to my own. You can’t quit now, they always seem to be saying. You’re doing so great! And if I’m sick enough to run a fever, so much the better. Burrowing under the blankets with me, they add the not-insignificant warmth of their own furry bodies to my heightened body heat, until the space beneath the covers feels like a sauna—one that vibrates with the strength of my cats’ purring contentment.

The day that my back went out, however, wasn’t quite like my usual sick days. For one thing, I had no interest in lying under the covers and had Laurence shove them entirely to one side of the bed—along with the piles of clothing we were still cycling in and out of the laundry in an effort to rid ourselves of moths once and for all. Even worse, I never once turned onto my side for a delightful session of cuddling one or the other of my cats in a spoon position. I just lay there sprawled out, flat on my back, in a kind of Vitruvian Man pose. I lay so flat that I couldn’t even see the TV screen across the room, or much of anything other than the ceiling. The number of moths we’d spot fluttering around the house had abated almost entirely but, from time to time over the course of that day, I’d spy one or two hovering above me. Fanny spotted them, too, and leapt onto my belly in order to use my motionless body as a springboard heavenward in her pursuit, each time prompting a loud “Oof!” from me.

Convenient a launching pad as my inert body made, it wasn’t exactly Clayton’s or Fanny’s notion of the ideal day spent in bed with Mom. Nevertheless, there was plenty to be happy about on any day that saw me spending so much time with them. And the heating pad had been duly taken down from its closet shelf and was turned over to Clayton or Fanny every twenty minutes or so, whenever I felt I’d used it long enough for the time being. That, at least, was something.

The only real moment of consternation on that first day came in the evening, when Laurence helped me into a hot bath that I hoped would help soothe my knotted back muscles into something resembling their previous shape. Proper baths—as opposed to showers—are a rare event in our house, and Clayton and Fanny peeked anxiously over the side of the tub, occasionally daring to rise up on hind legs (or hind leg, in Clayton’s case) and dip a tentative front paw into the water before quickly withdrawing it. Their little brows furrowed in anxiety and confusion. Whatcha doin’ in all that water, Mom? IT’S WATER!!!

Eventually, however—having clearly concluded with a mental shrug that humans were just weird sometimes, and there was no explaining them—they sprawled out in front of the tub like two ebony-carved centurions. Perhaps they’d decided that, with my having taken this foolishness into my head, someone had to make sure I didn’t drown. In any case, their refusal to leave the tub area so long as I was still in there made Laurence’s job getting me out of the tub, a half hour later, needlessly complicated. (“Just step around them,” Laurence kept saying patiently. While I—trying vainly to move sideways a leg that refused to go in any direction other than backward or forward—replied through gritted teeth, “I can’t step around anything!”) The cats seemed relieved as, with Laurence’s help, I finally hobbled back to the bedroom and the three of us settled into bed.

They weren’t nearly so sanguine, however, by the following morning. Like all cats, Fanny and Clayton are wedded to the routines that make up their typical day. One of the most important items on our daily agenda is when I get out of bed at five a.m. precisely and head down from the third-floor bedroom to the first-floor kitchen to give them their breakfast—tossing Clayton’s toy mouse for a few preliminary rounds of fetch along the way.

Even when I’m down with a cold or flu, I still manage to sneeze and cough my way downstairs to feed the cats on time. So nothing in their previous experience had prepared them for this first morning after my back injury. The pain in my lower back did feel distinctly lessened when I initially woke up—although possibly that was the lingering effect of the Vicodin (left over from some dental surgery Laurence had had a few months earlier), which I’d taken before going to sleep.

Nevertheless, I couldn’t sit up. I had to sort of rock from side to side until, eventually, I rolled out of bed and onto the floor in a semi-crouching position, at which point I stood up as straight as I was able and limped to the bathroom at the end of the hall. After that, staggering back to bed was all that I could manage. Walking down two flights of stairs to feed the cats—and then two flights back up again—was as unattainable a goal as climbing Everest.

The cats appeared flabbergasted as I got back into bed without having fed them. Laurence was sleeping in the guest bed in his office next door—to allow me the full and undisturbed span of our bed—and I’d advised him the night before to keep his door closed, anticipating that, when the cats found me unresponsive, they would be disinclined to wait for him to wake up on his own. There was a solid five minutes of caterwauling in the hallway as the cats did their best to rouse at least one of us—but Laurence, a sound sleeper, kept dozing undisturbed. Thanks to his closed door, they were unable to deploy any of their more aggressive tactics, like stomping onto his chest and meowing loudly into his ear.

They could, however, still use both maneuvers on me. “Laurence will be up soon, you guys,” I assured them over the loud and increasingly desperate cries that were beginning to make my eardrums hurt (although I knew that “soon,” given that Laurence kept a much more normal schedule than I did, wouldn’t be for at least two more hours). “You’ll get your breakfast—I promise you will.”

Vexed and baffled by this unprecedented state of affairs, they were obviously working hard to figure out a way of getting me onto my feet, down the stairs, and pointed in the direction of the pantry where their food was kept. Clayton seemed to be of the opinion that if he kept doing the things that he normally does in the morning, then inevitably I would also fall back into my normal routine. Accordingly, he kept bringing over the rattling toy mouse he likes to play fetch with, hauling himself up onto the bed so he could rattle it a few times in his mouth and then drop it into my hand. I would toss it half-heartedly as far across the room as I could without moving any more of my body than my arm. Clayton was patient with me at first as he dutifully retrieved the mouse, climbed back onto the bed, and dropped it into my hand once again. No, see, you’re doing it wrong. You’re supposed to get up and throw it for me—and then you’re supposed to keep walking. After four or five repetitions, however, he was stumped. He looked over to Fanny for guidance. Got any ideas?

Fanny is unquestionably the smarter of the two. She had evidently reasoned out that I couldn’t solve their problems until my own mysterious problem—whatever it was—had also been solved. She leapt nimbly from the bed, and I heard her descending the stairs. She returned a few moments later and, with the “hunting” cry that generally meant she was about to leave Laurence or me a “gift” (usually Rosie the Rat, which she thoughtfully places on our pillows every night before bedtime), returned to my side and gently deposited a white plastic spoon on my stomach. She watched me expectantly for a few seconds, seemingly disappointed that her gift had produced no immediate effect beyond my saying, “Thank you, Fanny,” and handing the spoon back to her. Undeterred, however, she departed again and returned with another white plastic spoon—and then, about three minutes later, with yet another.

I’m still not sure what these plastic spoons symbolized to Fanny (or even where this stash of hers was being kept, given the thorough moth-related housecleaning we were still in the process of undertaking). Perhaps, I reasoned, trying to follow the logic, she knew that humans use spoons for eating and thought that if I ate something, I might be able to get up? Whatever effect she’d hoped the spoons might produce, when it failed to occur she must have decided that a more drastic intervention was called for.

It was perhaps a half hour later, and I’d just drifted back into sleep, when I was roused once again by the sound of Fanny ascending the stairs with her hunting cry. I felt her land beside me on the bed, and she once again placed something on my belly. I blearily half-opened my eyes and raised my head as far as I could without engaging any more of my beleaguered spine than the very top portion of my neck. It was hard to make out what it was at first, although . . . was I imagining it? Was whatever it was moving? The room was still dark in the pre-dawn hours, so I switched on the bedside lamp.

It took me a second to realize what it was—primarily because my brain, for a moment, flat-out refused to confirm the report my eyes were sending. What Fanny had so lovingly deposited on my stomach was an enormous palmetto bug—otherwise known in the Northeast as a “water bug,” or simply a “huge ugly cockroach”—on its back AND STILL ALIVE as all six of its legs waved feebly in the air.

Now, I was born and raised in South Florida. I’ve seen plenty of giant cockroaches in my day. I’ve seen—and dispatched without flinching—cockroaches so big you could’ve saddled and ridden them in the Kentucky Derby. I had even, once or twice, awakened with a kind of prickly sensation on my arm and realized it was just such a cockroach crawling across me.

And, as would normally be the case in finding an enormous cockroach on my person, my instinctive first response—which, without thinking, I immediately undertook—was to attempt to bolt upright into a sitting position so as to dislodge the thing and get it off me.

Except that I couldn’t bolt upright. I couldn’t sit upright at all. The instant and painful wrench I felt in my lower back as I tried to rise quickly—an effort that would end up costing me another two days in bed—was a forceful reminder of just how futile this attempt was. “Son of a—!” I swore loudly, as I fell back into a supine position.

So there I was, flailing about helplessly on my back, while the giant cockroach on my belly was also flailing about helplessly on its back, the two of us acting out a scene from some cat-and-cockroach remake of Misery, in which Fanny was playing the Kathy Bates role and either the cockroach or I—or both of us—were James Caan.

Ultimately, the palmetto bug was more successful than I was. It soon righted itself and began a rapid scurry up my body in the general direction of my neck. I tried to brush it off with the back of my hand but, with a brief flutter of wings, it scuttled right over the top of my hand, down my palm, and—clearly as startled and disoriented as I was—continued its trajectory up my torso with an increased dash of frenzied speed.

I had a friend in Miami who’d once awakened in the middle of the night to find that a palmetto bug had crawled into his ear, and both his own and the cockroach’s combined efforts had been unable to get it back out. He’d wound up in the emergency room where the doctors irrigated his ear canal—effectively drowning the palmetto bug while my friend was forced to listen to its excruciating death throes inside his own head—before they were finally able to extract its corpse from his ear, chunk by chunk, with a small pair of forceps.

This palmetto bug—the one that I was dealing with in the here and now—was closing the distance between itself and my chin at an alarmingly swift pace.

“Laurence!” I shrieked. “LAAAAUUUUUUREEEEEENNNCE!!!”

Fanny and Clayton—who’d been sitting next to me with an eager air this whole time—darted off and under the bed so quickly, they practically left spinning dust clouds behind them. From the guest room, I heard the sound of feet hitting the hardwood floor and then a rapid thud of footsteps. In a flash Laurence was standing in the bedroom doorway, clad only in his boxer briefs and brandishing the baseball bat he always kept next to him while he slept (a holdover from having first moved to New York in the ’80s, at the height of the crack epidemic).

So poised and ready did Laurence look to club somebody bloody with that baseball bat that I had a wild, momentary fear he might use it on the cockroach while it was still on top of me.

“Get it off me,” I whimpered, gesturing to the bug on my chest. “Get it off me!”

Dropping the bat with a clatter and grabbing a handful of tissues from the box on our night table, Laurence snatched up the hapless cockroach. He clenched his fist with a satisfying crunch and swept it from the room, the sound of the toilet flushing a moment later confirming that it had been given a burial at sea.

“How did it get all the way up here, anyway?” he asked, as he returned to the bedroom. During the warmer months, we were usually good for one or two palmetto bugs a week squeezing into the basement-level kitchen through the French doors that led out to our tiny backyard. But the only time we ever saw one up on the third floor was in pieces, after Fanny had thoroughly mauled it and left its remains for us as an offering.

“Fanny brought it up,” I confirmed. “I think she thought she was ‘helping.’ She didn’t even eat any of it before she gave it to me.” The thudding of my heart had finally slowed to its normal rhythms, and I smiled at Laurence. “That was damn manly, by the way—how you raced in here ready to beat an intruder to death to protect me.”

Laurence smiled back. “I probably would’ve tried to talk my way out of it first.”

Clayton and Fanny, having determined that the coast was clear, peeked out from beneath the bed’s dust ruffle, then tentatively crept over to sit in front of Laurence. They craned their necks to gaze up into his face, their yellow eyes wide and hopeful. “You know,” I suggested, “as long as you’re awake . . .”

Laurence looked down at the cats. “Come on, guys,” he said, his tone resigned. “Let’s go get breakfast.”

Fanny gave Clayton a look that could only be described as triumphant. See? I knew I could get at least one of them out of bed!

As the three of them headed downstairs, one lone moth fluttered out of a dresser drawer to perch on the ceiling above my head—a solitary soldier in the enemy army taunting me, a fallen warrior, as I lay helplessly on my back remembering the day, one pleasant but otherwise ordinary day, just over a year ago when the whole thing had started.

5. In the Beginning . . .

It was a dreamily perfect spring afternoon. The sky outside the window of my writing nook was as pure and crystalline a blue as God had ever intended. The tiny pink roses on the climbing bush, wending its way up the wooden fence enclosing our small backyard, were in full, festive bloom. After a particularly cold and difficult winter, the entire backyard had exploded into a riot of glorious green leaf and multihued flower. I’ll admit that there are still days when I think to myself that nothing will ever be better than living in Manhattan. But, on days like that one, I can’t imagine any place on Earth I’d rather be than in my lovely little brownstone, here in Jersey City, with Fanny napping on the sunlit windowsill of my writing nook and Clayton dozing peacefully on the desk beside me.

A sudden commotion of sparrows split the silence outside, and I swiveled in my desk chair to see what had them so agitated. A wispy, fast-moving cloud of some kind was rising from the other side of the fence that adjoined our neighbor’s yard. I couldn’t tell what it was at first, but I soon detected the fluttering of small, almost imperceptible wings. It looked as if an egg sac of infant moths had burst open into the stillness of the springtime air—and the sparrows, grateful for the bounty, had stationed themselves in a cluster around the newly hatched insects, gobbling up as many as they could in their small beaks as the moths tried to beat their way skyward.

The sound of sparrows tittering in the backyard had wakened Fanny and Clayton from their slumber, and they took up side-by-side positions on the windowsill for a better look. My wall-unit air conditioner faces out onto the backyard, and soon I noticed three or four of the minuscule moths—small enough to pass through the filter—fluttering their way through the air conditioner, into the house, and around the cats’ heads.

It was the birds my cats wanted, not the bugs. But the cats were already up, their appetite for hunting whetted, and the baby moths were better than nothing. Rising up on her hind legs, Fanny tried to grab at them with her front paws, while Clayton made a few half-hearted hops, attempting to catch one or two in his mouth before they got away.

But the moths were so small—so very, very tiny—that it was nearly impossible to keep track of them among the dust motes also dancing in the sunlight that fell through the window. Almost before Clayton and Fanny had even started to try to catch the insects, before I could think of finding something to swat at them with myself, the wee creatures had flitted out of sight. And even though they hadn’t tried very hard to nab the moths, Fanny and Clayton still looked disappointed.

“Aw, don’t worry about them, you guys,” I said, giving each cat a sympathetic scritch on the head. Fanny and Clayton looked up at me drowsily from heavy-lidded golden eyes, purring lightly at the touch of my hand. “Those silly moths weren’t worth trying to eat, anyway. There’ll be plenty of bigger and better things for you two to catch someday. You’ll see . . .”

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Купер Гвен THEM!: A Story In Five Parts